#anyways!! that was just me rambling it was just such a weird experience for me

[a-scary-lack-of-common-sense]

I think I made some of you guys a little sad with my last post, so you can have some happy aftermath twins before part 2, as a treat ❤️

[sideblogdotjpeg]

ive been thinking about the red string superstition recently and also sol bufo always and it makes me sick how uncannily caldwell tanner has made sol to perfectly target me personally

(+ cropped versions !)

[lunarharp]

played dragon age 2...just simple scribbles

[scintillating-scales]

I mentioned in a previous post that trauma and neurodivergence has influenced my nonhumanity. It's honestly a big part of why I've gone back and forth on whether or not I really am nonhuman, or if it's just like. A trauma response/coping mechanism. I know when I was very young, I liked to imagine myself as a dragon, and wished so much to become one. After all, being a dragon means you're big and strong and powerful and nobody can hurt you. And if you ever do fear for your safety, you can simply fly away. Being a dragon meant safety, and that was important to me, because I didn't feel it much as a human.

It's also a way to sortof reclaim the emotional isolation I've faced my entire life. Part of my particular brand of neurodivergence is my inability to connect with anyone, and my very low empathy. I don't know if I was born like this, or if it was stripped from me after a childhood full of neglect and solitude. But it's something I've had to come to terms with and learn to live with. Dragons in my mind are very solitary. Of course there are dragons who are social and feel things very deeply and have close-knit families. But I am not one of them. I'm the type to hold my own territory and immerse myself in whatever matters concern myself and myself alone, without care for the world beyond.

Then the trauma I experienced later as a young teen served to dehumanize me completely, and further divided me from the very few people I would've considered myself 'close' to. All the shame from what I went through manifested in a sense of deep self-loathing, that has never really gone away, and has only made me acutely aware of how inhuman and monstrous I am. Being a dragon then was less about safety, and more about embracing the alien, predatory sense of self I had. That specifically, in conjunction with my inability to connect, has created the very reptilian form I take. Nothing about me is soft or mammalian, and it feels wrong to ascribe any traits of that to what I am.

Because of all of my 'issues', every interaction I have involves masking. I like to think I'm pretty good at it. I come off as charismatic to those around me. But it's draining, unnatural, and it makes me feel even more like an impostor; like a coiled, tense predator. A dragon has no expectations of the sort. It can be distant and isolated and callous, with no mincing of words or faux platitudes. It can be vicious even, with no 'violation' of how a dragon is meant to be. It may be resented for its nature, of course. But it is no less draconic for it.

Ultimately, my draconity may only be a product of the hand I was dealt in life. A way to cope with an isolated experience. But my identity has been draconic for so long, I don't think I can dismiss it, even if it's not the typical experience for nonhumans.

[allthoseotherworlds]

Genuinely really loving the tendency of official Doctor Who stuff to now refer to the Doctor in general with they/them pronouns

[thewhizzyhead]

if I said eisa davis' influence in making lmm actually write something rather radically progressive has subsequently inspired me to return to my roots of actually fucking thinking of making radically progressive musicals after a 3-year long hiatus in doing so, then what-

[wutheringmights]

Spirit: When I graduated high school you were only 13 isn't that weird

Wars: Can yuo put that out on me

Based off that one chapter lmao

LMAO DAMN OKAY YOU ARE VERY CORRECT ABOUT THIS ONE THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BRINGING THIS VISION INTO THE WORLD IT WILL PLAGUE MY EVERY WAKING THOUGHT FOR AT LEAST THE NEXT WEEK BUT PROBABLY MORE 💛💛💛💛

[icewindandboringhorror]

Lineup of all of the characters that appear long enough to need a visual representation of them in the game lol

[maybege]

btw i am still alive now that i have recovered from swiftkirchen and i hope you are all doing super well this summer! i am FLYING through my reading list atm which is amazing and i am feeling more and more inspired for things (footballer!paz anyone? roommate!paz as well maybe?) so hmu in the inbox it is TIME TO THIRST

[crows-of-buckets]

Im still so mad about the fact that baldurs gate 3 is over 100gb. Like it's just wasting space on my PS5 rn there is NO NEED for the graphics to be that bloated

[wormtoxin]

updated personas/subroutines: (disclaimer: i still don’t think im plural, sorry)

Pepper/Clover: the main one, not even one of the subroutines really, just the blank slate object which all the others act upon. The physical body. The only persona recognized by society.

Autopilot: the regular forms and functions of being a human being. Wake up, brush teeth, go to class, come home, go to sleep. Sometimes one of the others sneaks in and replaces it without my notice, especially when I’m talking to other people, and I don’t care for that shit at all. Routine.

Rambles: Vile little subroutine that makes my mouth move well before my brain. Sometimes I feel like I’m going on and on and I can’t stop. I don’t like conversation much because having to talk necessitates Rambles and then I feel totally out of control and I hate it. Objectively this one has its uses but it’s also my least favorite.

The Wretch: Self-loathing subroutine. Convinced it’s a worthless fuckup and probably correct. Self-sacrificing while being selfish, apologetic while seeking sympathy, paradoxically victim and passive-aggressor. The worst of both worlds. I actually put a lot of time and effort into being properly accountable the way a human being should be, but sometimes i get overemotional and I spiral and that part’s The Wretch i think.

The Doll: Control, poise, perfection, submission, obedience. Maybe if it’s perfect we can get it right this time. If it’s just perfect then nobody can criticize it. Next time it’ll get it. Never does. Masking, I think? Maybe some kind of fucked up anti-masking? Can’t keep this one up for long. Wishes it could just be quiet for once and let our actions speak for themselves, but people keep trying to talk to it, and it inevitably slips away. Probably used it more when I was working.

The Dog: Playing, eating, sleeping, rolling, getting off, singing and drawing. Simple bodily expressions. Not so bright. This one doesn’t get much of an outlet. Kind of a lump, occasionally whipped into shape by expectation. I actually kinda like being this one but it’s impossible when being perceived by another human being. The most invisible persona of them all. Immoral (amoral?) and therefore unsustainable long-term

The Magician: Doing, studying, creating, dressing, presenting. A self-styled scholar. Flashy and stylish and confident. Would describe itself as “dark academia” or something similarly edgy-but-trendy. Work and school romanticized, transmogrified into an exciting fantasy. Useful for being productive.

The Witch: Free of responsibility to society or others or ethics. A heartbreaker maneater homewrecker bitch. A natural disaster. An expression not of individuality or self, but force and violence. Claiming anything it wants by any means necessary and destroying everything in its path. Selfish to the core. Chained up in a basement somewhere. It exists but it’s cruel and it sucks so I never ever let it out. But I like to remember it’s there. A trump card, a concealed weapon. Break glass in case of emergency. I feel the shape of its outline like a knife stashed in a boot and I know I could use it if I ever needed it.

Honorable Mentions:

Poetics: Playing with sounds, words, grammar, languages, ideas until they sound musical and pleasing. Etymology research, vocabulary buff, eidetic memory for certain words and phrases, but only when they sound “right”. Possibly used for all five senses, or possibly shares overlap with Composition (visual) and Kinesthetics (touch)

Faux Marxism: Self-righteous understanding of the dialectical materialist view of history. Used mostly for impassioned speeches at inopportune moments (Rambles) or in response to perceived political threats. Poetics and Faux Marxism are both very invested in learning as much vocabulary, history, languages, and multiculturalism as possible, but for very different reasons.

Horndog: you could take all of sexuality and sprinkle it across all the other different subroutines, OR you could concentrate it into one horrible little guy.

Puzzles: The subroutine that just will NOT let a problem go until it’s solved. Character designs, meaningless research inquiries, computer software. Very very very very rarely, actual assigned tasks. The Magician wants what Puzzles has.

Hibernation: Comfy cozy blanket pillow sweater cuddle nap pile. Memorized the rhythms of the winter hibernation episodes of Tanoshii Moomin Ikka and plays them in a loop continually year-round. This one might be straight-up biological. I think I might have a vitamin deficiency.

Fog: The squishy slouchy sweaty medium that fills up whatever psychic dream space all the other personas occupy. There used to be a sense of “me” but it got covered up by all the fog what seems like years ago. That sense of wholeness, control, totality, unification. It existed once. I like to think it’s still out there, somewhere, if I just get my meds right or get enough sleep and if I can just synthesize all the others maybe I can feel “like myself” again. But all the fog covers it up. Memory issues. Whenever I get a sudden moment of clarity, and I realize I’ve been one of the more loathsome subroutines, someone I don’t recognize, I’ll have just stumbled out of the fog. Always comes with a feeling of “Why did I just say that?” Or, “What did I just say?”. Dissociation, maybe???

????: see previous. The negative space that fills everything else in. I don’t even know whether to call this one “Selfhood” or “Synthesis” or “Control” or “Autonomy” or …”Me”. That’s probably most appropriate but it feels like too foreign a word to make sense of. Whatever was here once got swallowed up by the fog, and I don’t know what it is anymore. If it was here I think I could feel like a present sensor and agent in my own life again. This is probably what people expect out of “Pepper” or “Clover”, the flagship of the armada, the face and voice of the operation. I don’t know where that person is. All the subroutines (personas?) are trying to emulate her, stall for time until she comes back. She might not ever be coming back. We might be all we have.

[hylianengineer]

The fun thing about living with a theatre major is that I get to be the rubber duck for art projects and literary analysis. This is great because I love literary analysis but don't get to take lit. classes anymore.

[wheucto]

finally decided to start watching s2e17 of ii

[gregmarriage]

okay, i’m genuinely curious: do people find me intimidating?

[quatregats]

Honestly don't think I realized that Valencian music was this much of an actual genuine special interest until I got here and had to start explaining myself to people

[if-loki-was-a-fox]

I've pondered and questioned a fair bit on if I might be autistic over the last year or two 'cus it came up as having a lot of overlap while I was looking into my presumed ADHD

and I think the conclusion I've come to at this point on that is kinda a "I'm not autistic but I believe in their beliefs" sorta thing

Like I don't think I actually fit the criteria for autism or fully relate to it as a whole, but yeah.

Change sucks, social stuff is weird and frustrating, idk how to make friends, I would love to wear the exact same brand, make, and style of pants for the rest of my life, and scratchy seams on clothes are hellspawn.

I do resonate with those ideas I see y'all talk about a lot for a variety of reasons that in my case I don't think are autism