#anyway. next semester will definitely be difficult but i am glad i have this over w LOL

[pallases]

I PASSED W A 53 HOOOLY SHIT

[losingmymindtonight]

Trope: Clingy

AN: me, editing this fic: god, why is Peter so ANNOYING?

that little voice in the back of my head that’s an asshole: it’s because you based him off of you

As usual, I didn't edit this very closely, and it was written on a bus and in dining halls. This is just the new standard for the semester, y'all. I'm so sorry. Still, it's my usual brand of sleepiness (+ fixing Tony’s story in Endgame). If you've read of my other stuff, welcome back. I'm a one-trick pony.

--

Peter smacked his bedside clock, and his ceiling lit up with a galaxy, swirling and lazy. In the center, bright green numbers spelled out 1:58 am.

He could hear the indistinct murmur of the TV wafting up through the floorboards. When he focused, he could pick up Tony’s breath, and unmistakable off-kilter, over-fast thud of his heartbeat. Tony had told him that the technical name for it was tachycardia. A permanent reminder of Afghanistan and the damage done there. Even without the reactor and the shrapnel that had orbited it, Tony’s heart would never be healthy again.

He probably could’ve gone back to sleep. Actually, he definitely could’ve gone back to sleep. He’d been burning the candle on both ends, recently, with Spider-Man and all the summer work Midtown had assigned, a half-assed attempt to catch the Dusted students up to speed. His general lack of self-care had come to an apex last week: when May had ambushed him with a print-out of his sleep patterns, courtesy of the biomonitor Tony had given him. 

And that was, of course, how he’d ended up here: on a forced break from the suit and school and everything else. He’d been a little bitter about it, for the first five minutes, but then Morgan had lunged into his arms and a late-summer breeze had rattled the trees and Tony had pulled his duffle bag off of his shoulder, squeezing the back of his neck as he did it, and he’d decided that being bitter was for people who hadn’t died yet.

He hadn’t even realized how exhausted he was until he’d had Pepper’s homemade mac and cheese in his stomach and his head pillowed against Tony’s shoulder. He’d made it all of fifteen minutes into the classic Cinderella before Tony was ushering him off to bed, guiding him up the stairs and griping about teenagers having a major deficit in self-preservation skills.

To be fair, he was probably right.

Those few hours of sleep had been nice, but Peter could tell that he needed a lot more. Maybe an entire week’s worth. If he moped enough, he was pretty sure Tony would let him do it, too. Yeah, that would be nice. Sleeping for a week, curling into his sheets, listening to Tony’s heartbeat thumpthumpthump-skip through the floor.

Except it was 1:58 in the morning, Tony was watching TV in the living room, and Peter was too curious for his own good.

He pushed off his bed, grabbed the throw that Pepper had folded over the foot of his mattress, and settled it over his shoulders like a cape.

The hall was cold. Peter traced the wall as he headed for the stairs. There were picture frames everywhere. So many that he could barely see the wallpaper through them. Of course, there were dozens of photos of Morgan, from the first picture taken after she was born to one they must’ve hung only a few weeks ago: her dangling upside down from a swingset in the backyard, grinning wide. There were a few photos from Tony and Pepper’s wedding, the one they’d had during the five years Peter had missed, and a few more from the vow renewal they’d put on after he’d come back. And then, of course, there were the photos of him.

When Peter had first come to the cabin, there was only one picture of him hanging in the hall, which was definitely one more than he’d expected to see. Tony didn’t really talk about it, mostly because he didn’t really seem to like talking about anything that had happened during the missing years, but Pepper had told him that he’d put it up sometime after Morgan’s second birthday.

The funny thing was, it wasn’t even a picture of Tony and Peter together. In fact, it’d been taken long before Tony had ever even met him. Peter couldn’t have been more than two, but he was sitting in a patch of grass, brandishing a flower out to whoever was holding the camera with a smile on his face.

Apparently, Tony had found it when he was going through his and May’s apartment. He’d shyly offered it back to May, once everything had been reversed, but she’d just smirked at him and told him to keep it.

Now, though, there were at least half a dozen photos of him, all framed and hung alongside Tony and Pepper and Morgan. Peter holding a Spider-Man themed tub of Ben and Jerry’s. Peter and Morgan sitting on the dock. Peter and Tony working in the lab. Peter curled over his desk, taking notes from a textbook.

The stairs creaked under his feet, but Peter knew the pattern. Third step, seventh step, twelfth. The TV was louder, now, and he could tell it was turned to a History Channel documentary on Hitler and aliens. Tony wasn’t actually watching anything, then. He was just using it for background noise.

Sure enough, Peter turned the corner to see Tony slouched back on the couch, eyes fixed on his StarkPad rather than the badly-rendered animation of Hitler being abducted by a UFO.

“Hey, bud,” Tony said, not glancing up. He moved his arm, though, holding it up in an unspoken invitation for Peter to curl up with him.

(It was Peter’s favorite kind of invitation.)

He padded over, hardwood cool and textured against his bare feet. He flopped bonelessly into Tony’s side, and he heard the man let out a little snort of amusement, like Peter’s laziness was the most precious thing in the universe.

“You comfy?” Tony whispered, fingers tracing gently through Peter’s hair.

“One sec,” he muttered. He spent the next few seconds curling himself into a ball, knees knocking against Tony’s ribs. He poked him irritably until he twisted a little, letting Peter settle more comfortably, cheek pressed up against his collarbone.

He let out a contented sigh. “Now I’m comfy.”

“Oh, good,” Tony said, dry. “Glad we’ve got that sorted.” His voice softened, low and concerned. “What’re you doing awake?”

“I woke up and heard you breathing.”

It was probably something Peter wouldn’t have said if it wasn’t 2:00 am and he wasn’t half asleep. From the way Tony went all still and quiet for a few seconds, he guessed that his mentor had realized the same thing.

“You can hear me breathing from your bedroom?”

“Mhm. And your heartbeat.”

“Huh.” Tony turned his attention back to whatever it was he was doing on his tablet, seeming perfectly content to end the conversation there. “Fascinating.”

He hadn’t exactly had a specific intention in coming downstairs, outside of finding out what Tony was up to, but being ignored was not on his list of expectations. May kept making offhand jokes that Tony was spoiling him, and maybe that was a little true, but it was nice to have someone who looked at him like everything he said was lined with gold. He’d gotten used to it, after coming back. Tony listened to him like he was speaking scripture, or something. Like everything he did was a miracle.

He reached out and plucked the StarkPad out of Tony’s hands, setting it on the arm of the couch.

“Hey,” Tony chastised, but there was no real bite in his words, “I was doing something.”

Peter glanced up, smiling innocently. “Whoops.”

Tony rolled his eyes, but there was something curious there, too. Curious, gentle, concerned. “Why’re you being difficult, huh?”

“I just wanted to make you pay attention to me.”

Tony huffed out a breath that was half laughter, half fondness. “You don’t have to make me pay attention to you, buddy.”

Peter didn’t really feel a need to respond to that. Instead, he just nuzzled closer, pleased.

“Did you have a nightmare?” Tony asked, eventually. It took him a lot longer than Peter had been expecting.

“Nope.”

Tony was quiet for a second.

“So you really did just want attention.”

“It’s what I deserve,” he joked, and he felt a satisfied rush of success when Tony laughed.

“Uh-huh. Sure.” Another soft chuckle. “God, I’ve created a monster, haven’t I? Everyone kept telling me it would happen, and now it has. I’m reaping what I’ve sown.”

“You like it.”

“What, having clingy children? Absolutely not. I despise it.”

Peter just shook his head. He was too cozy to play along with Tony’s game. It was past 2:00 am, Peter had been dead this time last year, and he just wanted to have a few moments of warm, honest affection.

“You like it,” he repeated, and he could tell that Tony got the message, because he pulled Peter closer with a long, white-flag sigh.

“Alright, I do. Just keep that a secret, okay? If Morgan finds out, we’ll have trouble on our hands.”

“I think she already knows, Mister Stark.”

“Oh, god. We’re doomed.”

He snorted. “You weren’t doomed with just me?”

“That’s a fair point, actually.” There was so much affection in Tony’s voice that it overflowed into Peter’s chest. “There was never any hope for me, huh?”

“Nope.”

A few minutes slid past in relative quiet. The TV still droned on in the background, but Peter mostly tuned it out. Tony’s heartbeat was a better soundtrack, anyway.

Tony rubbed his side to get his attention. “Can I have my tablet back, Pete?”

Peter squinted one eye open, suspicious. “Why?”

“Because you’re going to be asleep in,” Tony faked glancing at a watch, “approximately five to ten minutes, and I have work to do.”

He didn’t really take offense to the estimate. Anyway, he was tired, and there wasn’t a better place to catch up on some sleep than with Tony there. Nothing, not even nightmares, could touch him like this.

Peter lazily handed him the tablet. He guessed it was probably a defeat, but it didn’t feel like one. After all, Tony just set it aside again and kept all his focus on him.

“You know,” Tony murmured, and he was using the tone he always put on when he read Morgan a bedtime story, “I saw an article earlier. I don’t remember what it was about, exactly, because you and Morgan were distracting me, but it talked about a study this institute did into parents. D’you wanna know what it said?”

“Uh-huh.”

“It claimed that the average parent worries about their child for five hours every day. And right away, I thought, that can’t be right. That’s not enough. I’m worrying about Morgan and Peter constantly.” He felt Tony press a light kiss to his head. “You never need to make me pay attention to you, Pete. I promise that I’m already doing it.”

He liked it when Tony referred to him and Morgan as one unit. My kids. My children. It didn’t really matter how often Tony reassured him that Morgan didn’t change anything, that Peter still mattered to him just as much ever: the hint of insecurity lingered. But these moments, these little slices of full-focus, all-on-him attention, soothed it away, if only for a little while. If only for a second.

“It’s a full-time job,” he whispered.

Tony paused. Peter recognized the silence as thought. Tony Stark may be known for rushing ahead, but that wasn’t all he was. He was careful with Peter, in the same way that he was careful with Morgan.

“It’s more than that,” he finally said, slowly. “You and Morgan… you two are the most important pieces of who I am. It comes before everything else. Everything I want, everything I need, is a secondary concern. And I know you hate it when I say this, but it really isn’t a feeling you’ll be able to understand until you’re older. Right now, it’s all about you, and that’s how it should be. It’s how it’s meant to be. But one day, you’ll have kids of your own, and you’ll get it.”

Peter just hummed. He hadn’t really absorbed much of what Tony was actually saying. He’d been way more content to doze during the speech. And in his defense, he had gotten the gist of it. Tony really could’ve just said I love you, I love you, I love you over and over again and ended up with the same result. 

Tony huffed a gentle laugh.  “You didn’t pay attention to a word of that, did you?”

“I kinda did.”

“Yeah, sure.” Tony scratched lightly at Peter’s scalp. Somehow, he always knew the exact spot to hit. “Get some rest, kid. I swear I’ll give you all the attention you want when you wake up.”

“And now.”

“Yeah, yeah. And now. You want constant attention when you’re tired. I’ve gotten the memo.”

“No, all the time.”

He could sense Tony shaking his head, hands moving to carefully tuck his bedroom throw more firmly around his shoulders. “You’re gonna be so embarrassed about this when you’re not sleep deprived, bud.”

“Nah,” Peter mumbled. He was already done with the conversation, if he was being honest. He was curled up against one of his favorite people in the world, he was exhausted, and he just wanted to sleep. “‘M never embarrassed with you.”

The comment won him Tony pulling him closer, which was never something to complain about. “That’s what I’m here for.”

“And attention,” Peter added, grinning lazily. “And food. And money.”

“Oh, yeah. Let’s not forget all that.”

--

AN: This was, as many of my fics are, inspired heavily by my dad. He tends to stay up really late working, and I like to come downstairs and bother him. 

I stumbled across the statistics I mentioned while doing some reading for my Women’s and Gender Studies class. When I asked my parents if it was true, they both immediately went, “absolutely not, I worry about you and your brother 24 hours a day, every single day.” Hence Tony’s little speech.

[celestelavie]

Campus Tours || Athena & Celeste

TIMING: About a week ago PARTIES: @athenaquinn & @celestelavie SUMMARY: Since they’re staying in town long term, Celeste decides to go to UMWC to get information on their nursing program. Athena shows a lost Celeste around

After a particularly grueling shift at the diner, Celeste had decided she needed a step in the right direction. College had never made much sense, being on the run all the time, but if they were going to be making roots here, now was a good time as any to start. It felt like a huge step to be taking with the threat of her parents still looming, but she had to believe even that would be under wraps soon enough. She could at least hope as much anyway. She figured she could visit the Admissions office as the very least and get an idea of what her next steps needed to be. However, she found the campus to be a little overwhelming to navigate. She stared down at the map on her phone, trying to figure out what part of it corresponded with the building. She’d been grumbling at her phone when she noticed a figure in front of her just in time to prevent herself from a collision. “Sorry,” she started, “Oh! You’re Athena, right? Ariana’s friend?”

School was out for the summer, but that didn’t mean that Athena wasn’t still on campus. She liked going swimming in the pool and she had friends taking summer courses. It was also a place in town that she knew her parents were fine with her spending time at. They had to be, even though they didn’t wish for her to live on campus. Today she was simply going for a walk around campus, enjoying the nice weather. She wondered where her brother was - he had still not yet come home, and part of her worried for him, no matter how angry she was at him for leaving in the first place. Caught up briefly in her own thoughts she didn’t see the woman who was about to run into her, but luckily the woman stopped before the two of them collided, and Athena briefly side stepped, ready to wave and be on her way when the woman began talking to her. “Oh! Yes, I am! You must be Celeste.” She grinned, turning to face the woman. “How are you? It is such a wonderful sort of coincidence to run into you.”

Of all the people to nearly run into, Celeste had to be grateful that it was a friend of Ariana’s. Using the map on her cell phone to navigate the campus had proven to be more difficult than she would have liked. Plus, it was good to actually meet Athena. By all indications, she was a good influence and had gotten Ariana in with that summer soccer camp she was so excited for. She extended her hand forward to shake Athena’s, “It’s good to meet you in person. I’ve heard great things about you and your cookies were quite delicious.” She stuffed the phone back into the pocket of her jeans and answered, “Oh, I’m doing well. I was just looking for the Admissions office, actually. The map was a little confusing… hence, the near collision.”

She’d been wondering if she was ever going to get to meet Celeste. Athena was always curious about other siblings - and the fact that Celeste was a good deal older than Ariana just added another layer of fascination into the whole thing. They also seemed to get along well. Better than her and Orion, certainly, though Athena was self-aware enough to know that though she and her brother might have appeared like ideal siblings, they had not been that for years. Namely due to his refusal to believe in his destiny - or at least that was what she told herself. “It is good to meet you in person too.” She took Celeste’s hand in her own and gave it a quick, solid shake. “I am glad you have heard good things - and oh, I’m so glad! Baking and sharing what I bake is just the best.” She tossed a bit of her hair over her shoulder. “Well, you know, I might be able to help you with that. You were headed sort of in the right direction. What do you say? We can walk and chat along the way? If you don’t mind the company, that is.”

Celeste welcomed the idea of someone helping her find her way to the Admissions Office, especially a friend of Ariana’s. It was becoming more and more apparent that the younger woman really was a perfectionist. Celeste couldn’t even remember the last time she baked something though she was sure it was probably chocolate chip cookies. “Well, I can’t complain since I get to eat some of the baked goods. I’ve never been much of a baker myself.” She shifted her purse on her shoulder and exclaimed, “I’ll gladly take the help. I was beginning to feel a bit silly not being able to find it. Chatting would also be nice.” She smiled as she followed Athena’s lead, thankful she ran into someone she sort of knew to help her find her way. “How’s everything been with you? I know Ariana mentioned you two would be volunteering at a soccer camp together this summer.”

“Well, if you ever want some recipes to try out, I’ve got some good starter ones to try.” Athena grinned. “I won’t go all out and send you complicated ones, don’t worry.” She gave a small shrug. “Just let me know.” She grinned as Celeste accepted her offer of help. Good - this would give her a specific task for the day. Not to mention, she was curious to get to know Celeste more. She liked Ariana, and it was good to get to know the family members of those you were friends with, wasn’t it? “Please, this campus is a mess of planning, sometimes. You’d think an admissions office would be the easiest thing to find and yet it is far from it.” Adjusting her pace so that she was in line with Celeste, Athena grinned. “Chatting would be nice. Things with me are good. College is out for the summer, which is nice, though I do like school so part of me is also sad - but I think I did very well in all my classes this semester so I am pleased. Ariana and I will be doing that! Starts the end of June, and I’m super excited. Ariana’s such a great soccer player, and it’ll be nice to have her around. How about you? How are the repairs on your home going? I hope well, though I know these things can sometimes take forever.”

“I may take you up on that one of these days,” Celeste responded with a smile, “Thank goodness, I remember my mom tried to have me make a meringue once without any previous guidance on it and it… well, it turned out disastrous.”  She welcomed the chance to get to know one of Ariana’s friends. One of these days, when they were able to have a place of their own again, they’d have to have her over. As they walked through the campus, Celeste laughed. “Yes, they definitely didn’t make it easy. I was hoping to get some information on what I’d need to do to get myself enrolled in the nursing program.” She kept pace with the younger girl and listened as she talked about her summer. It was rare to see someone who liked school, but she supposed she understood. She seemed like a very ambitious young woman. “Well, I’m glad to hear your grades are doing well. What brings you to campus if you’re out of class for the summer? I know she’s really excited for the camp, too. She’s always loved soccer.” At the mention of their home, she shifted her glance a bit. It wasn’t like she could explain it anyway, so she shrugged, “It’s coming along. Hopefully we can be home soon.”

“Absolutely, just let me know.” Athena grinned. “Meringues are incredibly tricky to get right, so I will be certain to not give you any of those recipes. Admittedly, even I do not love working with meringue, so I do not have many recipes that even use that.” She found Celeste surprisingly easy to talk to - though she supposed that she should not have been so very surprised, in the end. Athena liked to think of herself as someone who could win most anyone over. Certainly something she’d used to her advantage on more than one occasion. So far though, at least in this conversation, everything she had said was filled to the brim with honesty - or at least as much so as she ever properly used. “Oh, nursing! That’s so fantastic! One of the girls in my sorority is starting there in the fall, it’s supposed to be a wonderful program.” She glanced over to Celeste. “Thank you, and well - I like the campus, and it gives me a nice space to walk around and collect my thoughts. It’s nice to walk around here and not have to focus on thinking about an exam or paper or project that I’ll have to do.” She bit her lip. “I’ve loved soccer for years too. It seemed like a nice thing to mention to her, especially given how skilled she is.” She watched Celeste’s expression change for a moment at the mention of her home and for a moment (though only a fleeting one) Athena wondered if perhaps that was not the best sort of question to have asked. “I hope you can be as well.” She continued to make her way through the campus, past a few classroom buildings, as she pointed them out, “that’s where some of my favorite classes have been held. Introduction to Neuroscience, for one. The class that I came into excited for and left knowing that it’d have to be one of my majors.” She looked back over at the other woman. “Can I ask - what draws you to nursing?”

The talk of meringue brought Celeste to a not so pleasant flashback of a job she worked back in San Diego at a bakery. It had been short lived due to how many meringues she had messed up and she had no intention of putting herself through that kind of torture again. “That’s a relief. If it’s meringue-free, I’m sure I can make the recipe work and not have flashback nightmares to an awful job I had when we lived in San Diego.” Somehow the news that Athena was in a sorority hadn’t been surprising to her. Everything about her screamed Type A from her school ambitions and her involvement as a student athlete. Even down to the enjoying campus when she didn’t even have to be here. It was a nice enough campus, but she had to imagine a break was nice. She knew Ariana was always eager to leave school unless she had practice. “Maybe I’ll see her in classes then. I’m sure I have a ton of prerequisites to take. I haven’t taken any college classes.” Hell, she hadn’t even graduated high school though she had gotten her GED. Technically, she also had a very convincing counterfeit diploma and transcripts, too, but she was inclined to take the honest route. She walked along with Athena, bag swinging from her shoulder and mused, “I suppose I can understand that. The campus is nice and I’m sure has good spots for reading and the like.” Celeste smiled as she spoke of how she enjoyed soccer and how skilled Ariana was. It made her proud to see Ari excel at something, especially when it was something she enjoyed. She hoped the carpentry apprenticeship worked out well for her. “I’m sure you two will have a lovely time.” She shrugged calmly at Athena’s well wishes. The little house they’d been staying in wouldn’t be an option anymore. Finding a new place would be nice though. Ulfric’s was kind of cramped and as cordial as he was capable of being, it was fairly plain to see he wasn’t her biggest fan. She focused instead on the last part, “Well, I’ve always wanted to do something that helps people and I’m not at all squeamish.” She thought to her own stitches on her leg that she’d done herself, “Figured I have the personality to provide comfort and medical care, so may as well go for it now that Ariana is out in the working world. You mentioned going into the medical field as well, right?”

“You lived in California?” Athena’s eyes lit up for a moment. “I’d love to go there someday.” It was almost as though with everything Celeste said she felt all the more connected to her - or even if not connected - more intrigued. She’d lived such an interesting life - lived in so many different places, and Athena had only been in one. She knew that it was for an incredibly good reason, but it didn’t mean that she didn’t sometimes wish she could have traveled elsewhere. “You may! I’ll tell her to look out for you. You might need to do some prereqs, but like, I know they always want new students so that’s also something in your favor.” She gave a small shrug to the woman. “Besides, if you’re anything like your sister, you’re likely a quick learner. She told me she was struggling with math classes but then got up to nearly an A in almost no time!” It was genuine, her compliment - she knew that she wasn’t always genuine but she did enjoy talking to Ariana. So she figured that being honest was the best way to go about things in this case. “Exactly. Especially with the beautiful weather, it’s nicer to go here than in a library or coffee shop in order to read. Plus, I know this makes me sound like a giant nerd - not that there’s anything wrong with that - but sometimes I like to get my books for the fall in advance and read those, and doing it on campus seems even nicer.” Her grin matched Celeste’s. “I bet we will, it’s a great camp and she seems so excited.” Celeste didn’t seem to want to remark any more on Athena’s comment about the house - which was fine. She knew that they were still mostly strangers, and just because some people enjoyed talking about home repairs, others were more cautious. She only hoped that there hadn’t been a sort of terrible attack. “I feel much the same way - and yes, all of that makes sense. I am going into the medical field! Hopefully I’ll get into some good med schools come next year. I agree though, I truly just want to do whatever I can to help make the world a better place, and if medicine is one way to do that, then why not?”

“Yes,” Celeste answered with a small grin. It had been a very brief stint before her parents had gotten wind of their location, but she had enjoyed it. The state had a lot to offer in terms of different terrains and national parks. “It’s a beautiful state. I miss it sometimes, but White Crest has a homey feel to it.” The prospect of being a student again still had her nerves on edge, but having a connection could be nice. Make the whole thing easier. “I appreciate that. I’m sure any friend of yours is lovely.” As much was true. Athena seemed like a smart kid with a good head on her shoulders. She was definitely driven and friendly. It was nice to have someone showing her the way around campus. There was a certain excited energy that came with being here and it was nice to get some of it out. She walked alongside the girl and commented, “It has been beautiful as of late. It’s good that you enjoy where and what you study. I imagine it makes the whole keeping up with your coursework so much easier.” At least she had assumed as much. It’d been too many years since she had to study anything herself. A smile grew on her face at the mention of Ariana being excited for the soccer camp. It was nice she had something to look forward to, even in the midst of everything else. They were choosing somewhere to be home permanently which gave them both the freedom to pursue things they were passionate about. “She really is, which I love to see.” They walked through a part of campus that had a fair number of little picnic tables under trees. She could envision herself content under one just studying away. As much had always been something that felt so out of reach, but here she was. She studied the campus around her and listened as Athena spoke. “That’s an admirable goal. You seem to be very motivated, so I have no doubt you’ll reach it. I like the way you think though, helping people. The whole leaving the world a better place than you found it thing. I wish you the best of luck with applying and getting into med schools.”

“White Crest has a homey feel for me too,” Athena grinned. “Then again, it has been my home my whole life, so I suppose to some degree that’s to be expected. Though, if you don’t mind, I might ask you about California sometime.” She shrugged. “Oh, of course! She’s great, and plus, she knows the place well and so she’ll get you all in the know and everything. Which is something that counts, I think. Even if just to let you know all the shortcuts around campus.” Celeste seemed happy, and that made Athena stand up straighter and continue to lead the woman along, giving a small wave as she passed a boy who was in one of her lectures last semester. “It has been, and I am so glad for that. Though I love Maine, winters do get so dreary. Also true, that studying what I love does make everything a lot easier. More appealing, too.” Another nod. “I’m glad, I’m glad I could do this for her - but she really got in all on her own. Knowing me was an added bonus to her application, she’s incredible in her own merit.” She sighed. “Thank you, and same to you. Anyone who wants to further their education is bound to succeed in their own way.” She did believe that, to an extent. Certainly, this was a bit more forced than usual, but she wanted to make a good impression. “I agree. I have always been that way, for as long as I can remember. Just wanting to make the world as good a place as is possible. Thank you!” She looked up. “We’re almost to the admissions building. Not too hard after all, hm?” She winked.

“I didn’t live there too long, but I’d be happy to answer any California questions that I can,” Celeste stated easily with a smile. She did know the state was a popular tourist destination for a good number of reasons. Her initial thought when they had moved there was that it would be far enough away from the Aquilla Estate that her parents wouldn’t venture out there on a whim. She’d been wrong and now they were going to be here soon enough. She focused back on the nursing school things, noting each building they passed. “Thank you, Athena. I look forward to hopefully joining in the program and meeting her. This place is huge, shortcuts would be most helpful.” Potential study partners were also a plus. She’d always enjoyed making friends. Celeste smiled in the direction of the boy Athena waved at, not wanting to appear rude. She’d yet to experience a Maine winter so she wasn’t sure what she was in for. Whether it’d be better or worse than winter in other states. “I suppose I’ll see for myself soon enough,” she thought aloud with a laugh. It couldn’t be any worse than Minnesota. There was a surge of pride that went through her hearing Athena speak so highly of Ariana. Their life hadn’t been easy, but she’d always done her best to steer Ari in the right direction. “Thank you, I know she’s a bright kid. Passionate, too. I’m sure the kids will get that from both of you.” She scanned their surroundings, noting they were by the Financial Aid department. She made a mental note of that. She’d need to visit them shortly after Admissions. Not surprisingly, Athena mentioned they were close. “Oh good, I’ve been trying to keep an eye on landmarks to make it easier for next time. Thank you for taking the time to lead the way. Good deeds definitely help in making the world a better place.”

“Oh, I don’t expect you to be an expert, it’d just be more what it was like living there,” Athena offered an easy smile. “Of course - I hope you get into the program too, and shortcuts are for sure always handy to know.” Though the nursing program and medical school did not always work together so much, if Athena did end up at UMWC’s medical school (her parents might want that, she figured - even though Johns Hopkins or Harvard or Geffen were all higher up, she’d stay here if it was needed) then there was a chance that they’d run into one another, still. “I suppose you will, although hopefully not too soon! We had a time of complete darkness, and that was a bit difficult, but I do not wish for winter in the middle of summer.” This entire conversation was incredibly normal. She was used to it, but there was something about Celeste that felt more natural than some of the other conversations she’d had. Maybe it was that even though she was meeting her for the first time technically, they had already connected a bit online and Athena did already know her sister. The shared interest in the medical field didn’t hurt, nor did the fact that Celeste was certainly not fae. “I’m sure they will,” she said with a quick nod. “You have a good sense of awareness, it’ll serve you well here. The landmarks method is a good way to go about it, it allows you to figure out where places are from any point. Also, don’t even mention it, I’m more than happy to be able to help out and to finally meet you. Good deeds do indeed, and the world certainly needs more of that.”  

“Warmer, sunnier, more hip if that’s still what the kids are saying. Way less mimes,” Celeste answered with a laugh. Of all the things in White Crest, she found she hated the mimes most of all. With a wide smile, she said, “Thank you, Athena. I appreciate it.” The prospect of being able to settle in a place and beginning to build a real life both excited and terrified her. Still, it’d be nice to pursue something she was actually passionate about and never have to ask another person how they wanted their eggs. The mention of the complete darkness made her laugh lightly. “Yes, definitely don’t want winter too soon. I’d like to enjoy the summer weather.” Though she figured she’d opt from going swimming anywhere in White Crest. It seemed almost inevitable something would try to eat her and that wasn’t her idea of summer fun. She looked over the Admissions building, still slightly filled with nerves to get this journey started before turning back to Athena. “Thank you. I agree with you, landmarks and being aware of your surroundings truly help. I think I could actually find this building again. It truly was great meeting you. Once Ariana and I get settled back into our home, you’ll have to come by for dinner and games some night. Enjoy your day, Athena!” With a final wave, she made her way into the Admissions Building feeling more hopeful than she had in a long time.

[v-le]

Ktravels / Klife: After a year in korea Final Thoughts

Foreword: Surprise, surprise, procrastination got the best of me for quite some time. But im back. And for the last time. At least for the last time regarding my year-long study abroad experience in Korea. Here lies the last bits and pieces of my heart that left behind such a wondrous lifestyle in such a complex country.

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I guess this will be the last of my “Korean” writings for a while. I think I kept holding off on this because I didn’t want to solidify the fact that my journey abroad is officially over. I guess even being home and everything still doesn’t make me accept reality. All I can keep thinking these days is that exactly a year ago, I was sitting around every day, waiting for my summer to end & for me to hurry up and end up in Korea & I kept asking myself over and over and over and OVER, ceaselessly: “I wonder how my life will change once I live there. I wonder what my life would be like over there”.

And what’s crazy, is that even though I kept desperately trying to grasp that fact so intensely a year prior to today, I still don’t have the answer as I sit here in this seat. I still don’t think I can properly express what my 10 month-ish experience was like. I feel just as contemplative as I did a year ago.

I think ive been holding off writing this mostly because I don’t even know what to say. Why don’t I have anything to say? Hmm.. or more like, I have so much to say that I don’t even want to begin. Because once I do, and then once I wrap it all up, everything will truly be all over. It’ll solidify the fact that my year abroad is all done for, never to come back to me ever again.

I think my final post of my study abroad IG account, the one I posted every single day for, enclosed my immediate, final thoughts and feelings really well. I mean, I literally wrote that on the plane flying home, sooooo…

Maybe I should start with addressing my goals I set for myself before I left, and how those goals panned out upon my return. Very vaguely, one of my main pursuits was to “become fluent in Korean”. Even to this day, im not exactly sure what that constitutes and by my standards, I don’t really know to what extent I wanted to improve based on that statement…. But, I guess I just really really really wanted to practice communicating more and essentially feel comfortable speaking, reading, writing, and listening in this completely foreign language. And I mean even prior to arriving, I had already known how to read Hangul for like 8 years. So in terms of reading, I just got to practice a looottt and just brush up on my speed & precision, I guess. Listening has also never been too much of a struggle: years of pure absorption and drowning myself in Korean in every form possible has taken me this far, to be quite honest. It was never anything intentional, I just held onto more and more words as the years went by. And quite frankly, I’m pretty damn proud of myself for that. I guess my point is that I unknowingly wanted to focus on improving my writing and speaking. Which sounds a bit futile, because what was the ultimate purpose in expanding on these skills? When I cannot even use them outside of Korea? Hm… I didn’t think that far. I just knew I wanted to improve. Or no, I don’t even think I had any real basis before arriving anyway. I just wanted to get exposed to that side of the language and make some sort of progress. Because I enjoy it that much.

I didn’t even know how to write the strokes of Hangul characters properly. No one had ever taught me. For years, for the small words or phrases I might’ve scribbled down for fun or doodled my notebooks with, I just wrote what I knew, like pictures. I still, to this day, don’t know the proper strokes lol. It kinda makes me feel noob, but o well, ive made it this far nonetheless. In terms of speaking, of course, I had absolutely no background. There had never been a chance to practice this skill… in fact, if there were one, if I did speak Korean at some point before going to Korea, I feel like that would’ve been really weird anyway… I wasn’t learning it formally in a classroom or anything, so if I were to try…. To god-knows-who…… I dunno,  that doesn’t seem right to me. There was just never a proper place and time for me to use any sort of spoken Korean, and that made sense. Because I had such a wide range of “skills” under my belt when it came to this language prior to arriving, none of it was… “official”? None of it was ever proper…..? I am not really sure which word fits best, but the fact that I had known everything I knew at that time from pure Korean media absorption, it bothered me a lot actually.

I wanted to learn formally. I wanted to learn properly. So, I didn’t hesitate to take the intensive Korean language course at Yonsei, one that was 4-6pm every day, Monday-Friday, for the entire semester. What I did hesitate with though, very greatly, and a little regretfully, was the level in which I started learning formal Korean. A part of me is regretful, but I think I know in my heart it was the better decision. Speaking Korean with the teacher on the day of the placement test was probably my first time ever really speaking full sentences aloud to someone else & I can sorta recall it with slight embarrassment. Okay not even slight, like a ton lol I was such a nooooobbbb… I still ammmmm….anyway, based on that day’s tests, the teacher deemed me as able to start in level 2. But I rejected him. I told him I wanted to start at level 1. Because ive never learned properly before, I felt the need to start from the beginning. He told me that level 1 would begin with each Hangul character, pronouncing them one by one, etc. He asked if I’d be okay with going over all of that, and I told him it was fine.

My level 1 class ended up being more of a level 1.5 & we went much faster than all the other classes and didn’t even start with the basics that I was originally warned of. But still, quite frankly, level 1 KLI was butts easy and I didn’t even need to study for anything to do well. For that, im pretty proud of myself. I’m not trying to brag, but I’m actually just very glad that my skills I arrived with were at least up to par enough that I could complete 1 without much struggle. What I was most grateful for was that I got out of KLI was a lot of grammar basics. A lot of these structures I recognized and have probably used on my own before, but I didn’t know the rules properly myself, until I finally learned them in KLI. So really, if I didn’t take level 1, I really think I would’ve lost out on that basic foundation needed for learning more advanced things. Granted, I probably could’ve covered a lot of those things in my own time if I searched for the proper resources and had a stronger motivation. But I never did that by myself. So, I sorttttt offfff, “wasted time” in level 1.

The next semester, level 2, was also not too difficult. Some concepts were definitely a bit more challenging and less intuitive, but nothing impossible to understand. Overall, my semester 2 at Yonsei was when my Korean grew to the heights that I had hoped for. If I improved about 10% during semester 1, then I would say I improved 115% in semester 2. I don’t even know what that means myself, but my point is that I had many many manyyy more real life, application opportunities to use Korean. The biggest factor being my participation in Powers, the badminton team at Yonsei, that semester. Aside from the 2729017 other things that Powers influenced that semester, language was a big thing. At some point, many of my teammates considered me the “American that is really good at Korean”, but like, the over-exaggeration is real. Although one dude consistently talked to me in only English for the longest time, once I met beloved 익안언니, that English-only image of me died and I communicated with everyone else the same way they already communicated with each other: in Korean. I know that sounds….like…. idk, not a really big deal. Like wow good for you, you could communicate in a foreign language with these people. But my biggest deal with it was that if it weren’t for me being in Powers, I would not have practiced speaking or expanded my vocabulary or just LEARNED as much as I have. ESPECIALLY meeting 익안언니 was such a blessing. Although she is from Taiwan, she is a grad student studying Korean language and culture which already implies that she is basically fluent in Korean. And me, knowing absolutely no Chinese but at least having half-assed Korean skills, we only ever communicated in Korean from day 1. Since the day we met, the day she came up to me and asked if I wanted to warm-up with her and asked if I was a foreigner or not, and then revealing that shes actually a foreigner, too. That made us automatically click, because we realized we could both speak without feeling wary of sounding dumb or making mistakes in front of a REAL Korean person. Granted, other teammates always heard a lot of our conversations and sometimes joined in, too. The main point was that speaking Korean in that sense, was the best experience I could’ve asked for. Others may think the most ideal would be, y’know, a real Korean person. But, why be picky when the point is that I got to practice.

By the end of semester two, I had a kinda random idea, fueled by a conversation I had with a KLI classmate. She mentioned how she was studying for the TOPIK 2, the intermediate-advanced Korean fluency test for foreigners, and she decided to take it in Korea versus America because she heard it was easier and the 65th one would be held in Korea while she was there anyway. Upon hearing this, I only vaguely knew about this test, I didn’t think it to be that big of deal, yet in my head I knew I was always impressed with foreigners when they would say something like “yeah I placed level 6 (the highest mark) on the topik”. And so, I looked more into the test myself, and I was like hmm maybe I should try it out myself. 익안언니 mentioned that she actually needed to (re)take it too because her score from her last test is expiring soon. So very last minute, we decided to take it together. It costed money, but that was expected. I debated a lot in the beginning whether or not to take TOPIK 1 or 2, aka easy vs hard, but I decided to just fuck it, I just gotta make sure I study for reals and have more faith in my skills lol.

Im glad I made the right decision. I didn’t study as effectively for the test as I would’ve liked, but I did what I could given my circumstances. I was shooting for level 3. I at least wanted a LEVEL out of the test, not a blank score, which is what would be given if you can’t even manage the minimum level 3 out of the TOPIK 2. That test seriously HURT my brain LOL. As you get towards the end of each section, it gets ridiculously hard and there were 2475830 words I did not understand at all and the mere rows of sentences eventually turned into huge walls of text that filled the paper all the way to the edges  and o gosh, just imagine how brain frying those sorts of exams can be HAHAHAH.

In the end, I placed level 5. I was 8 points away from level 6. I was honestly very shocked and to this day, I think I just owe my score to me doing a good job at guessing correct answers, not my pure skills LOL. But above all else, I definitely underestimated myself. I really wanted to take the TOPIK to assess my Korean skills once and for all, definitively. But even after receiving my score, I still feel lost on how to accurately describe my skills. Does level 5 even cut it? Do I even have the right to call myself level 5? I got it though, right? Having drowned myself in Korean for 8 years & taken level 1 & 2 KLI, I was able to be lowkey fluent, I guess.

That’s pretty damn cool. Im pretty damn proud of myself. And yeah, idk, that’s that. LOL. Im not trying to brag about myself or anything. All of that was purely my journey with the Korean language, particularly in the context of studying abroad in Korea for a year. And in regards to my goal, I think I did a pretty good job. I can write long chunks of text without too much problem, I can speak a good amount, maybe not 100% flawlessly, but I can hold conversations, I can go weeks with only speaking Korean, and I think that’s pretty awesome progress that I made towards my goal. If anything, I may have surpassed my anticipations. Cool. LOL

 Another one of my main goals was to travel outside of Korea. Or not even that, just outside of SEOUL. Because as amazing that city alone is, I also knew that there is sooooo much to explore throughout the rest of the country and even in other nations. For second semester, I went to Tokyo in Japan, Bangkok in Thailand, Taipei and Tainan in Taiwan, and Busan, Jeonju, Jeju-do, and Yeosu in Korea. I was very blessed to travel to 3 other countries and hit a few beautiful areas outside of Seoul in Korea, too. Although it was a tiresome experience, I wouldn’t have traded it for anything else. Balancing school and travels and other commitments was ridiculously tough. Ive repeated this a lot but: all my snaps and ig updates may have looked like fun and games, but the burnout was real. Traveling with friends isn’t all fun and games.

I learned SO MUCH through this experience: planning logistics thoroughly, dealing with money & currency exchanges strategically, balancing school work, moving things around as necessary, utilizing transportation in various different settings in an effective and efficient manner, familiarizing oneself with the GEOGRAPHY of a place (a really important one that I feel people don’t really talk about), researching attractions from different perspectives & using multiple, varied resources, knowing where to go for help, preparing proper lodging accordingly & communicating with hosts/staff, researching FOOD, too. I could go on and on.

But when it comes to traveling, especially while on a budget bc we are broke ass college kids, the amount of proper communication & discussion & preparation with other members of the group that needs to go into it is no joke. It’s not fun and games, it’s making sure that we know what the fuck we’re doing in a foreign environment so that we can explore, see things, get around, eat, and ENJOY our time safely and efficiently.

SO in that sense, I’m also pretty proud of myself & my friends. Special shout out to Sabrina Sooyoung Wong who was my ultimate travel buddy for (almost) everywhere I went. I already miss the amazing time we had together :’(

Continuing where I left off, I have realized that this writing is taking way too long. The day that marks one year since I left for Korea has already passed (August 21st) & I realized that I was gone for exactly 11 months: Aug 21 -  July 21 (w/ a break in bw ofc) bc I literally landed back in America on the 21st of July, not realizing that the day I left was exactly the 21st as well. And my birthday is on the 21st too. Of Sept..:0 that’s whack. ANYWAYYYYYYY…………

What more do I have to say about this trip, hmmmm……. Ive already talked about my growth through the language and through traveling all over the place…These days, ive truly been trying to relive & recall the worries that shrouded my mind a year ago before I left.

I remember so clearly, constantly asking myself “How will my life change once I go and live there? Will I even be able to make any friends?” People around me also kept telling me that I would “HAVE SO MUCH FUNNNN”, but I recall constantly shutting them down and being pessimistic & telling everyone that I “would just be a normal student studying all the time, just in a different country lol” To address all these predeparture worries, I’ll say simply, thinking back on it now: My life changed SO MUCH, that it feels like nothing even happened at all (ik like wtf??? But lemme explain…), I made friends that I know will last a lifetime, and HONESTLY, I worked really hard studying when it came down to it, but I also made sure to have as much fun as I could. I did my best to balance everything (especially 2nd semester..)

So like, how tf could my life have changed so much that it feels unreal? Well, it’s exactly that. My daily life, the way I went about my daily routine, the lifestyle that I honed, the world that I wrapped myself in, the things I did, the food I ate, just about EVERYTHING about my life in Korea was so drastically different than my life in America, that returning home actually just makes it all feel like a dream, as if it were all a lie. My Korean lifestyle and my American lifestyle are incomparable. They are two completely different worlds. And for that…. I….. yes, I miss the Korean one like crazy every day, but that affection and sentiment for what I had makes my experience all the more precious and just… dear to my heart. Oh so dear to my heart, 나의 유학생활…. I think I kept asking myself the “how will it change” question countless times before I left because I was trying to prepare myself, trying to make sure I don’t throw myself off in the heat of it, make sure I stay grounded in the reality of my circumstances. And although nothing could’ve prepared myself enough for all those specific changes in my life, I think I definitely stayed rooted in mindfulness and never lost sight of the privilege I had.

If I look back on my first semester writings, I always repeated the words “thankful” & “grateful”. I really did my everything to remind myself of those feelings. Same goes for the friends that I met. Particularly my first semester gang, my days spent with them were infinitely bright. I feel like we were all so lost in the wonders of Korea (and Taiwan) and the beauty of just being there, spending time together, having valuable conversations, but also some very dumb ones, and really just bathing in the precious company of each other. It is not every day you meet an amazing group of people as the ones I did 1st sem. I gave yall a shoutout before, but thank yall again for taking care of me, the youngest of younglings out there, and making me laugh & smile more than I could ever recall doing with anyone else. Even my blessed friends from 2nd sem too, sooyoung, antony, Vicky, & 익안언니, I could not have imagined what my life would’ve been with them. My point in all of this? I was so worried about “making friends”, but miraculously, luckily, AMAZINGLY, it all worked out in the end. I am so grateful for that. I got close to some frking really cool people, who I still talk to today, who I still think about a lot, whom I owe a lot of myself to. Even if our collective time spent together was not the longest, even if the timespan of my other friendships are significantly more extensive, the friends I made through studying abroad are infinitely valuable and precious to me at the end of the day. Only stunning memories remain. Our friendships wont end there. They only started in Korea, but I have faith that they will transcend timezones and the years to come.

In terms of just balancing LIFE in korea, I can definitely recall many instances where I felt completely overwhelmed and burnt out. Those days were bound to come from the start. There were many days were I lacked a significant amount of sleep because I was so busy, there were days were I felt perpetually stuck & I could never overcome my problems (the things… a foreigner in Korean cannot do without a phone number…. Gg I felt soooooo shitty at that time)… there were also, ofc, days where I felt frustrated with many different people, there were days were I was so stressed out about whether I was doing the right thing (my 2 tutoring gigs…) or if I deserved anything I was receiving…., there were countless days where I studied hard and stressed about academics, as always (but I managed to get all A+’s 2nd sem & im honestly so proud of that…) …there were plenty of days where I would feel Korean societal standards weigh down on me & I felt painfully inclined to fit in in any and every way possible,.. I also struggled with deeper questions about the kind of toxic community Koreans can foster in various contexts (political, nationalism, etc..)… and the biggest of adversities, the one that broke me down the most, and to this day has left me empty & lost… was watching my singer get torn apart and disappear before my eyes.

I have written about this specific topic very extensively in a different piece, and…. It is definitely a pretty heated, passionate, painful piece. I had many many many many things to say about all of it, and I actually still have countless words to say, honestly. For sake of concision, for sake of keeping my sanity in place for at least this piece of text, for the sake of my world that has crumbled apart far too much for me to ever pick myself back up again… I’ll just say… I miss him so much and I pray for the day I can listen to him again. I won’t even be greedy and say “see” him again. I know ive seen him more times than I ever deserved too. But I want to listen to his voice again. In a new light, in a reassuring way. In some form, I want to hear him again… just once at least… please…Knowing him, listening to him for years, holding onto my life with his voice & music… I know that he needs to do music and nothing else. It breaks my heart every day to think about how this light has been lost from him.

One day… one day……….. I pray desperately every day that one day, he will come back to us. Please.

 Its honestly pretty difficult to talk about my hardships during my time in Korea without mentioning that stuff. It has taken such a big toll on me, life became so taxing because of that one situation, that even today I sit here, half a year after it all fell apart, without much improvement on the state of things anyway. But enough of the negative stuff. I hope that’s enough. Despite all the pain & highkey trauma I acquired from it all, I know that at the end of the day I learned valuable lessons and that I am still grateful for every experience nonetheless.

I still wouldn’t be who I am today or where I am today without those tough times, too. It sucks that I lost my light along the way, I lost sight of my world that so ironically always gave me healing when I needed it most.

Another thing I should mention is how I am also very grateful for that fact that I never got sick while in Korea, or just while abroad in general. I usually catch a cold about once a year, even my first year of college, I definitely had that small period of time where I was dead sick from some sort of virus. But not once, did my body ever falter while abroad. It’s ironic because usually being in foreign countries, especially the not-the-most-sanitary ones like Thailand, Taiwan, etc, one would normally be much more susceptible to a stomach bug or heat-related complication or whatever. One would think that my body would be especially vulnerable abroad. But nope. I stayed strong all throughout. I’m pretty damn proud of that too. I tend to take my health for granted, but looking back on it now, I guess I held up pretty well despite all the odds against me.

The most important question I should be asking myself now is… How have I changed since I’ve studied abroad? Some basic changes would be my outer appearance. My makeup has definitely changed, my clothes do not exactly look like the rest of my friends’, and my eyes are sometimes slightly different colored LOL. But, mentally? Emotionally? What has korea done to me? I thought that once I returned from being abroad, I could be this strong, amazing, fearless, bold person. Maybe in some aspects, I do feel that way. But quite frankly, being away from some beloved, close friends for so long has left me more insecure and unsure than I would like to admit.

No part of my confidence has significantly skyrocketed or anything. I am still too much of a pessimist for any of that to be possible. I actually feel kinda reluctant, vulnerable, skeptical… when it comes back to reconnecting with the friends I haven’t seen for over a year. So in this way, Korea has changed me in which I do not know how to reconvene with the life I originally left.

Korea also….. made me fall in love with the “Asian lifestyle”. I say this a lot in person, but I think I genuinely love Asian culture & way of living better than America’s. Especially after coming back & coming to terms with how normalized some illegal stuff are among kids my age are now, I cant vibe with any of that. I know well enough that both cultures have their pros and cons and but I think I can safely say I prefer one over the other. I have grown up in the same exact house and neighborhood my entire life and I very ironically chose to go to a school that mirrors this familiar environment almost perfectly. Therefore, I easily lose sight about what is new, what is enjoyable, what keeps me grounded here.

So to be honest, nothing keeps me grounded in my hometown. Not my parents, not really my hometown friends, nothing special. It’s a fact that I felt more attached to Korea than America. I don’t know. It just ended up that way.

I traveled to and studied there for a year because I felt like my heart belonged there. And after coming back, I think I finally can contest to that statement.

One more thing, as I try to run out of things to say… I dislike K-pop and I wish it wasn’t such a definitive part of Korea itself. I know for a fact that the way in which K-pop has blown up over the years is an inherent loss for Korean culture because now the world has been misguided, misinformed, and misinterpreting Korea as a whole due to K-pop. I hate how, if I were to speak to someone ive never met before about me studying abroad in Korea, they would most likely assume that I like K-pop or make some sort of connection to my experience, with K-pop. That presumption needs to end. I do not relate my experience to K-pop in any way. There was so much outside of that. So like, no, I did not meet so-and-so. No, I did not see that group on the streets. No, I did not go to that concert. I admit I went to plenty of concerts, but those people were basically NO NAMES compared to actual K-pop artists… So please… I wish there was a distance between Kpop & Korea.

I have come to cherish Korean culture way outside of K-pop. Sure, its what exposed me to it all in the beginning, but I very quickly, very NATURALLY, grew out of that mindset & perspective. Sigh. That’s that. A real shame.

I haven’t been able to wrap this up for an entire week now and I think, right before I head back to school for good at UCI, this would be a good time to close it up for good.

What I meant to talk about throughout this entire “final journey” chunk was how studying abroad changed me, and what that might mean for my future.

These days, while ive been lowkey wallowing away at home, avoiding my responsibilities and waiting for everything to come crashing down onto me once I return to Irvine, one of the biggest things ive been really missing is Yeosu. My spontaneous 2 day, 1 night trip to Yeosu with Sabrina was probably one of the best spontaneous adventures I ever chose to do.

Yeosu held some sort of beauty that is so impossible to explain, that pictures don’t even do justice for, and is really just a hidden gem sort of place that I am so so so blessed to have visited and fallen in love with. Even if it was just for two short days, Yeosu treated us SO well. It will forever be one of the best memories I’ve made in Korea, because of all its combined natural beauty, open air, wonderful weather, breathtaking views, exciting and undying street pojangmacha street life, and FOOD! Amazing, home-cooked 한식…..it was really, honestly, great.

Another thing I thought of: I feel like I took so many airplanes that I lost count and I even lost that exhilarating, enthusiastic feeling that used to be associated with taking airplanes at some point. I am not trying to BRAG that I had that sort of privilege, but I just wanted to…. Reminisce on that missing emotion. Now, going through that entire check-in, security, waiting, boarding process feels sooooo draggy, and if anything, even a waste of time….. :( but I at least appreciate airplanes for being able to take me everywhere…

OKAY FOR REALS, last thing im going to address: my current perceptions on sharing my journey abroad with others. If im going to be completely honest, I really hesitate to talk about how I studied in Korea for a year. I am pretty damn paranoid about what people would think of me and I am reluctant to really tell my story because I feel like all of it is very important and special and dear to my heart that it’s not as simple as “yeah, it was chill, I had a great time”. In response to the question of “omg how was it????”, ive literally made a script for myself: “honestly, like my life in korea and my life here in America were so totally different that it feels like it didn’t even happen… it went by so fast and there was so much going on that coming back here feels pretty weird…also, reverse-culture shock is real”

That is the best spiel I can muster up if I were to briefly talk about my experiences abroad. But in reality, I would want to talk about why korea & the Korean language mean so much to me, how grateful I am for all the places and people and things I got to see, how convenient day-to-day life was. And most of all, I would want to address the all the negative things I discovered about Korea. I would want to talk about how for nearly half of my time there, my world was, and still is, crashing down onto me, and how that entire happening has affected my viewpoint of Korean society greatly. I would love to go on about the nuances that make Korea a very toxic social environment, how many aspects that make it well-known and well-received globally also contribute to my disliking for Korea. My experience was so eye-opening. It really was. With all the beauty I discovered along the way, I feel like I faced some extremely terrible shit, too. But of course, as I have been repeating ceaselessly, I am thankful at the end of the day. I always am.

I think at this point, I don’t have much more to say. Despite how much I miss Korea on a daily basis, for now, I think its best to let go of it. I am proud that my daily Instagram will stay as my detailed, thorough testimony to the countless experiences and stories I thought were worth sharing, or remembering at the very least. 286 days. To be exact, I was abroad for 286 days. Not a year exactly, but sorta close. I did my best. I did everything I could. I was independent as I could be, I saw all the things I could see, and I just appreciated it all at the end of the day.

I am really excited to go back one day. It’s at the least the one thing keeping me a little bit optimistic for the future.

잘 있어줘, 한국아. 모든 걸 고마웠다.

[intobangtan]

Behind The Shelves

Requested by @barbiefdz

Type: One Shot | TraineeTeacher!Au

Pairing: Namjoon x someone - you or any other army (1st person POV)

Warnings: fluff, fluff, fluff + mild makeout session

Summary: You need some extra points to pass your semester. Namjoon happens to be your savior but during your working time in the library you easily get distracted and work turns into different fun activities behind the shelves.

I stared at the book in front of me, running my hand through my hair frustratedly. Why in hell had I decided to study psychology?

The class just started and I already felt helpless. It was an interesting subject, yes but since the exams came closer, my brain stopped functioning. And plus, I needed extra points to get through this semester. When our teacher Mrs. Sullivan talked about neurotic or medical issues in class - anything, I felt like I understood. I liked listening to her and her intelligent, well structured, long ass sentences but as soon as I had to do something on my own or participate in class and say something, I looked like a fool.

My exams started in three weeks. I had three weeks to gather myself and work this out. But if I wanted to pass this semester then an angel had to fall from heaven, motivate my lazy self to go to the library and save me.

Mrs. Sullivan started to write stuff on the board when someone new drew everyone's attention to himself. A young man had walked in. Apologizing, he made his way quickly to the last row. He waved at us students, smiling shyly, wanting us to look back to the front. Who was he?

Mrs. Sullivan turned around, pointing at the man in the back, "Namjoon, why don't you come to the front and introduce yourself before we start?" He nodded, again hurrying through the desks. He was hectic, causing noise and apologizing everytime he touched some of the students' stuff. I giggled, watching him. He was cute.

"Namjoon has gotten his master's degree last year and is doing an internship at the moment, right?" Mrs, Sullivan began introducing him. Namjoon nodded. "He offered his help during the period of your exams. He'll give afternoon lessons and he'll help you with your assignments." A murmur of disapproval erupted in class. What assignments? "Don't even complain like that." Mrs. Sullivan's voice rose higher. "Most of you need extra points to get through this term anyways."

I slumped back in my seat as I stopped listening to Mrs. Sullivan's rant about how we were not concious about the situation's importance. I had to pick a economical aspect when doing this assignment or else I was screwed because Mrs. Sullivan's-

"Right, Ms. YLN?" I looked up from my sheets to come face to face with the whole class. "Exactly." She rolled her eyes, sighing. "You can to the front to pick a topic now."

I quickly moved forward, letting my eyes travel over the massive work papers. Then I spotted the headline "Economic Psychology". I grabbed before anyone could take it.

"But this has nothing to do with psychology itself." Namjoon looked at me disappointed. I cocked my head to the side, pressing my sheets to my chest.

"And that is the exact reason why I am taking this topic." I sat back down on my seat and realized that he followed me, slumping down next to me.

"But then you don't get to see how interesting this class is." I shrugged but he didn't let go. "You could analyze what happens between synapses when someone suffers from schizophrenia or what exactly a headache because it definitely isn't a real wound somewhere in our head." I smiled at him ironically, folding my hands on the table.

"I wish you good luck with those really interesting topics but besides that I didn't major in this subject and I need a whole lot extra points to pass this semester, so don't get on my nerves with your smart ideas and your pretty dimples." I was never this ignorant. Really. But when I was stressed then everything about me worked wrong. I was about turn my back to him completely but he tried again. 

“I can help you.” I rolled my eyes at him. “I mean, I came here to help anyways so?” I wanted to shake my head but I considered it. Why not? I could need his help. He majored in this after all, right?

“What do you want in return?” I narrowed my eyes, watching him suspiciously. He smirked suddenly, making me feel nervous. If he wanted me to pay him, then he could forget it. I was broke anyways. His gaze made me feel unseasy. The atmosphere had changed. Or I was only exaggerating because he was wasting my time. I could have started my assignment by now. Or I could have checked my tumblr like I could have done more productive things. 

“I don’t want anything. I just want to help.” He said it so simple; I knew he was lying. “But if you don’t want to owe me anything and pay me anyways,” I knew it. “Then you can pay me by going on a date with me.” 

“No,” Your answer came out so fast, you were surprised yourself. He leaned forward, making you move a few inches back in your seat. I hadn’t realized that he was this easy-going. “Only,” You added because his dimples were definitely something. “I have to hand this assignment in in three days. If I get my extra points then, yes.”

He chuckled, “Okay then. I take this as a challenge.” He held out his hand for me to shake it. I did it, trying to give him the firmest grip I could pull together. “Then I’ll see you in the library at 3pm?” I nodded with a dead expression. He had to see and feel how serious the situation was. I felt as if I was selling myself for good grade. . 

The biggest issue that hovered in my mind right now was the fact that I had embarassed and would continue to embarass myself in front of a handsome guy. Great.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“See, we can’t work like this,” Namjoon looked at me dead serious. I had been late 17 minutes according to his watch but only 14 minutes according to mine. 

“You do realize that we wasted 5 more minutes because of your complaints?” I rolled my eyes. 

“Actually only three,” He looked at his watch, checking the time. I was about to snap but I had to keep my composure because he was my ticket for the extra points. 

Namjoon opened his book and began explaining his thoughts on how I should structure my assignment. After a few hours of non-stop working, we decided to call it a day. Without hesitating, I smiled at Namjoon, “Thank you. I’m 100% sure I understood more in these last hours than I had in the past semester with Mrs. Sullivan.” I had gotten more comfortable around him as well. He was a nice and chill guy. He was witty. I enjoyed his presence. It was refreshing from all the common stupid people I had to deal with here every day.

He chuckled only, shutting his books. “No problem,” He looked at me, “You seem hungry. Shall we get something to eat?” This was what I needed the most right now. 

“Sure,” I threw my bag over my shoulder and we left the library. Namjoon was a few steps ahead, so I just followed him. We left the University’s area and went to a small coffee shop to grab some snacks. 

After we ordered and sat down at a small table, Namjoon grinned and I knew, something went through his mind. Way too much was always going through his mind. During our time in the library he would jump from one topic to another. Hey, not everyone was as quick understanding as he was but this was something I had to teach him. When I frowned at him, he finally spoke up,

“You know, you said that you’d only go on a date with me when you have the extra points but look where we at.” His dimples popped up, when he smiled but I only shook my head, chuckling.

“You think, this is a date?” 

“What else can it be?” He sipped at his coffee, watching me from under his lashes. I leaned back in my seat.

“This is a busuiness dinner.” I stated, causing him to burst out laughing. 

“A business dinner?” He repeated, “I should have asked you for areal payment then.” 

“Well, we have signed our contract already, you can’t change anything.” I explained in a matter of fact tone and he watched me amused. Then we sat there, talking about daily life and getting to know each other. It was more him saying smart things and me complaining that not everyone can be as smart as him or not as interesting but he just wouldn’t listen. I knew, I would learn a lot from this young man and I was already glad I had met him to be honest. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Ok first of all, stop yelling at me, I swear, I’m about to drop everything.” I huffed. Namjoon looked up from his papers, frowning.

“I’m not yelling, I’m trying to-” 

“See? You’re doing it again.” 

“Why did I even offer you my help, you don’t even appreciate this.” Namjoon ran his hand through his hair. It looked way too attractive. I had two days left and I couldn’t focus on my work. It was all his fault. I was now at a certain point where his handsomeness was too distracting. I hated it.

“Oh, ok,” I groaned, “Now I’m the bad one.” 

“I didn’t yell at you but you are.” 

“I’m not!” The librarian looked at us, frowning. Namjoon made her a sign, excusing us. “Ok, I’m calm.” I breathed out. 

“YN,” Namjoon said with a soft voice, “It’s not that difficult. You just have to tell me if you want me to take you out again.” He grinned now. I only shook my head, closing the books. 

“Let’s do something different.” I said, looking around to get some ideas. 

“But we still have some work to do.” 

“We can do that tomorrow.” I waved my hand at him dismissively. 

“But it’s the last day then.” I shrugged. 

I pointed at a girl who sat a few table afar from us. “Do you see her?” He nodded. “You have 10 minutes, if you get her to give you her phone number, I have to do something of your choice. But if you don’t or if you get a warning by the librarian, you lose and I get to punish you.” 

“What is the punishment?” Namjoon asked curious, “And to what extend can I make you do something, if I win?” 

“Anything and the punishment-”

“Ok, I don’t care about that part because I’ll do it anyways.” With that he stood up confidently. “Put ten minutes on the clock and watch.” He walked off, approaching the girl with a warm smile. My heart ached slightly at the sight. He sweet-talked her, making her blush. She was startled at first but then she giggled, leaned in and even pushed his shoulder a little bit. Namjoon’s back was facing me so I had no idea what tricks and faces he pulled. 

At first I had been sure, he couldn’t get her number and I could punish him with asking the librarian out on a date with a pervert pick-up line but I wasn’t sure anymore. I felt like I was going to be the one getting punished. 

He had two minutes left and I watched how the girl pulled out a small piece of paper and scribbled something on it. Then Namjoon stood up, walking off with a smile. He sat down next to me with a triumphant smile. He waved the girl’s number in front of my face. 

“What did you tell her to get it? Did you threaten her?” 

“Did it look like I threatened her?” No. Unfortunately, it didn’t. “Now, let’s get to your punishment. Well, it isn’t really a punishment but-” He stopped, licking his lips. “I want you to kiss me.” 

My eyes widened. I was at loss for words. He continued. 

“But not just a simple kiss. I want to get really into it.”

“Are you stupid? Don’t you see how many people are in here?”

“So, you’re considering it?”

“No,” I hissed, but his smirk only grew wider.

“But I can make you do anything, you said and I want to reward myself because I flirted with some random girl to get her number even though the girl I’m actually interested in is right here.” My whole face began to heat up. I was flustered but I couldn’t look away because his stare was intense. “2 Minutes only,” he added and grabbed my hand, pulling me up. He led me to the very back of the library. No students were in sight. He pushed me behind the shelves and took his phone out, showing me that he put the timer on two minutes. 

“I don’t know,” was all I could bring out. He only shook his head, starting the timer and putting his phone onto the tabel behind him. His hands cupped my cheeks, pecking my lips softly. I closed my eyes, my hands laying on his chest. He smelled nice, I noticed.

His kiss was soft and careful at first but then it turned a bit more messy. His tongue explored the inside of my mouth, making me moan into the kiss. He smirked, stepping back to sit on a chair. He positioned me on his lap. The more intense and deeper the kiss and touching got the more I felt like I was drowning in it. His hands were now on my lower back, pushing me further against his hips. 

Then the alarm went off. Not yet, please.

I pressed my lips onto his one last time before letting go. My chest was rising up and down as I leaned my forehead against his. he grabbed the phone, shutting the alarm off. 

“You’re something, YN.” He was about to tighten his hold on me but I stood up, adjusting myself. I was blushing uncontrollably and avoided meeting his eyes. 

Namjoon just watched after me as I went back to our table and stuffed my things into my back. “Now, we definitely skipped some major steps before we even had an actual date.” 

“Shut up.” 

“Don’t tell me you didn’t like it because I did.” 

I looked him straight in the eyes. “Shut up.” I started to walk off. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” I mumbled, leaving with my heart hammering against my chest.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Finally,” I groaned, when Namjoon decided to appear in the library after me waiting for over an hour. “Where have you been?” 

I had been sitting here, wondering if I scared him off yesterday but I just couldn’t deal with my new emotions. I had thought about him the whole night, not being able to sleep. And how dare he show up this late now? I threw him an angry look. 

“I’m sorry. I had issues with my car. Just tell me that you didn’t just wait and did nothing on your assignment?” He looked at the sheets in front of me. 

“How stupid do you think I am? Of course, I did work.” 

“Actually, sometimes I wonder if you actually graduated Kindergarten?” My mouth fell open and I couldn’t stop myself from hitting him with the book in my hand. 

“I might not be brightest tool in the toolbox but hey,” I turned my laptop towards him, “I’m almost done with the assignment and to be honest with you, it wasn’t even that difficult.” 

Namjoon checked what I had written down and smiled at me fondly. “This is very good actually.” He looked up and helped me finish the last part. 

I high-fived him proudly. “It’s done, finally.” I leaned back in my seat, sighing. 

“I think, we can play another game before we call it a day.” Namjoon suggested. I narrowed my eyes, glaring. 

“What game?” 

“This time, I dare you to do something.” I waited for him to continue, “I want you to go the first row. There is table with five guys and the librarian can see you there as well. I want you to do some aegyo to them.” 

“No way,” I shood my head rapidly. “I won’t embarass myself like that.” 

“Oh, come on. It’ll be fun and I didn’t quit yesterday.” Namjoon tilted his head to the side.

I groaned, standing up. I didn’t like the librarian anyways and this was good opportunity to annoy her a little bit. Namjoon packed our things and followed me excitedly. 

“Hey guys,” I approached the table with the five guys and without waiting I started pulling aegyo poses. I squeeked and made hearts. They watched me confused at first but then they chuckled, cheering me on. I giggled, continuing but someone held my shoulder. 

“What are you doing?” The librarian looked at me annoyed. 

“What does it look like?” I asked her back. 

“Like something stupid,” 

“Asking you for your opinion was stupid,” I countered. I saw Namjoon cackling behind her and I tried to hold in my own laughter. 

“Out,” She ordered.

“Why? It’s not like I’m disturbing anyone. I’m giving the guys a break.” One of the students shouted ‘yes’, earning a glare from the librarian. 

“You are disturbing me.” 

“But disturbing someone, who is already disturbed shouldn’t be a problem, right?” Now I laughed. 

“You’ll get detention just wait. What was your name?” She frowned. 

Namjoon grabbed my arm, pulling me away from her. We were leaving the library and I turned around to see the librarian asking the guys my name. “You know my face but you don’t know my name.” I shouted and followed Namjoon into the hallway. 

“This was funnier than my actual dare.” He chuckled. 

“Well, all things I always wanted to tell her.” I grinned. 

“I’ll follow you to your car.” He said and we walked out onto the parking lot in silence, but smiling. Before opening the door to the driver’s seat, I turned around to look at Namjoon. 

“Thank you,” I mumbled. 

“You’re welcome. I wouldn’t have let a lady walk alone to her car.” He said. 

“That’s not what I’m talking about dumbass. I mean everything. For helping me out and I had fun these last three days.” I smiled warmly at him. I leaned forward, putting a kiss on his cheek. 

“Ah, we’re past cheek kisses.” I rolled my eyes at him, getting into my car. He knocked at my window, wanting me to roll it down. I did and waited for him to say whatever he wanted to say but he leaned inside, pecking my lips and making me blush hard. I huffed annoyedly.

“At the end, I do get what I want.” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It had been a week since I handed in my assignment and today I could check the results. I was nervous. We had worked hard on it. I logged into my students profile, when Namjoon popped up next to me. 

“Hey,” I mumbled, pushing my laptop towards him, “I can’t look at it.” He chuckled, taking it and scrolling down my profile. 

His face lit up. “And?” I asked excitedly. 

“You got a B-.” He told me with a bright smile.

“This means?” 

He shook his head dumbfounded, “This means you got even two points more than you needed.” 

“Yes!” I jumped up from my seat. “I knew it. I knew, we could do this.” I cupped his face with my hands. “Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.”

“I just helped. You did most of it alone.” He watched me fondly. 

“Shut up and take it. No need to be humble right now.” I hit his chest slightly. “We need to celebrate this. This is my first B- in an assignment.” I chuckled, embarassed.

“Oh, I’ll take you out to celebrate.” He raised his eyebrows. I remembered. I couldn’t deny that I was crushing on him but I still. 

“Don’t start with that again.” I rolled my eyes jokingly. 

“Shut up and take it. No need to be a lier right now.” He mimicked my voice, making me laugh. 

“Where are you taking me?” We both stood up. He took my hand in his. 

“Anywhere you want.” He said. 

“After getting a B-, are you convinced that I graduated from Kindergarten?” 

He snickered, “Bold of you to assume that.” I hit him slightly. 

“Ok,” I looked to the front door of the university. “Whoever gets to my car first, wins.” I started running already and he called after me confused. I sticked out my tongue at him, speeding up.

“The loser has to do something cringy in the restaurant we’re eating at.” 

~~~

~~~

~~~

masterlist

[klaineanummel]

unexpected 2/24?

Blaine Anderson was just about the last thing Professor Kurt Hummel expected out of a TA.

I'm still massively playing catch-up, because this chapter ended up being a bit longer than I expected. Written for the prompt "Cinnamon" from @klaineadvent day 2!! I'm cheating a little and using whichever prompt I like best ;) Hope you enjoy!!

Oh, and since I am writing this rather quickly and without betaing, I want to apologize in advance for any grammar/spelling errors, as well as errors in terms of NYU’s Steinhardt campus, which I have never been to and have done minimal research on. Sorry!!!!!!!!

Read on AO3  |  Previous Chapter

“Well, it was wonderful to meet you, Professor Hummel,” Tina says from her position by his office door. “I’m really looking forward to working with you this semester.”

“Likewise, Tina,” Kurt smiles at her and raises a hand to wave goodbye. Tina responds in kind and heads out the door.

“I should go, too,” Mercedes says, standing up and slinging her knapsack over her shoulders. “I’m meeting the chair of my thesis advisory board in twenty minutes across campus.” She smiles at Kurt and Blaine in turn. “It was awesome to meet you, Blaine,” she says. Then, she turns to Kurt and says, “And it was wonderful to see you again, Professor Hummel. I’m excited we get to work together again this year.”

“I am, too,” Kurt replies. Mercedes waves at them both, then heads out the door as well, leaving Kurt alone with Blaine.

The man stands once Mercedes is gone, smiling warmly. “I don’t actually have to be anywhere else today,” he says. He tilts his head to the side ever so slightly. “Would you be interested in getting a cup of coffee?”

Kurt’s eyes widen, and he presses his lips together. “Uh, well—”

“I mean, I’d love to get to know you better, Professor Hummel,” Blaine says, clasping his hands together in front of him. “Since we’ll be working together this semester.”

“Right, of course,” Kurt says, nodding, internally rolling his eyes at himself for immediately jumping to the conclusion of date, he’s asking me on a date. “Well, I don’t have anywhere to be for another hour, so why not. Sure, let’s grab some coffee!”

“Wonderful,” Blaine says, smiling again, and wow, Kurt needs to get his feelings under control.

The entire meeting, he had to keep reminding himself that Blaine was a student, that Blaine was his TA. This wasn’t some beautiful man he’d just happened upon at a coffee shop. He wasn’t a gorgeous profile picture on a dating app. He wasn’t a fellow professor. He was someone that Kurt definitely should not be noticing as much as he is.

Blaine takes the lead as they leave the building, and Kurt shamefully lets his eyes fall down to Blaine’s surprisingly toned ass.

He groans quietly. He can’t believe how difficult he’s finding it to hide his attraction to the older man. Usually he…

Well, he’s never actually been in a situation where he’s had to hide his attraction to someone. At least not for the past twenty years he’s been in New York. Every man he’s been attracted to since moving to the city has been someone it was appropriate for Kurt to be attracted to. He’s never found himself attracted to a TA before, or – thank god – a student.

“How long have you been teaching here?” Blaine asks, breaking Kurt from his thoughts. He’s lagging a little, allowing Kurt to catch up with him so they can walk side-by-side.

“This is my eighth year,” Kurt says. “I actually got this job almost immediately after getting my PhD.”

Blaine whistles lowly. “A professorate offer right out of college? Damn.”

“Well, hey now,” Kurt chuckles, raising his hands up to his shoulders. “I’ve been here for eight years, but only been a full-time professor for three. My first five were me scraping by on a part-time salary, practically begging them to view my research as worthy of their investment. Still,” he says, shrugging a little. “I know I’m lucky to be where I am, so I will still accept your congratulatory ‘Damn’.”

Blaine laughs, and Kurt feels his heart flutter at the sound. Their hands brush against each other where they’re swinging between them. Kurt feels his cheeks heat up a little, and, as casually as he can, he places that hand in his pocket.

Kurt looks ahead, catching sight of the campus Starbucks near them. He glances at Blaine and finds him already looking his way. Those eyes are going to prove a huge problem for him this semester.

“What about you?” Kurt asks, turning back towards the Starbucks logo on the side of the building. “What brings you to Steinhardt?”

He can see Blaine shrugging out of the corner of his eye. “Just wanted a change of pace,” is his reply, though his tone suggests there is far more to the story.

They reach the entrance to the coffee shop and Blaine skips ahead, holding the door open for Kurt. He smiles winningly and says, “After you, professor.”

Kurt’s stomach swoops, but he ignores the feeling. “Thank you very much,” he says instead as he strides into the shop.

He and Blaine join the line, which is thankfully not too long. Kurt shifts so that he’s half-facing Blaine, then says, “Really, though.”

Blaine chuckles, hands going to his pockets. He shrugs again, then says, “Really, I’ve always wanted to study music. I didn’t have the opportunity during my first go at it, and so I figured why not. You only live once, right?”

Kurt raises his eyebrows. “Isn’t YOLO a little 2012?”

Blaine shrugs. “Probably. Slang tends to trickle down a bit slowly to me. My only real connection to it is my kids, and they…” He looks down at his shoes. “Well, it takes some time for it to get to me.”

Kurt licks his lips, hoping this will be the axe to the head of his crush. “You have kids?”

Blaine nods, arms coming up to cross over his chest. “Yeah, two. Jane and Roderick. Twenty-one and sixteen.”

“Wow,” Kurt says, and, unconsciously, finds his eyes drifting to Blaine’s left hand. It’s a necessary habit now that he’s in his late thirties, but not something he should be doing to a student.

His heart does a little flip when he sees Blaine’s ring finger is bare. He tells his heart to cut it out.

“Yeah,” Blaine says. “Actually, Jane is just starting her senior year at the main NYU campus.” He smiles wistfully. “When I originally decided to come back to school, I had hoped we’d be able to go to school together, but the Music Business Major was only available through this campus, so.”

“That’s too bad,” Kurt says. “That it didn’t work out.”

“Ah, well,” Blaine shrugs, face deceptively nonchalant. “I’m sure she’s glad in the end. I doubt she would have wanted her old man hanging around during her last year of college.”

“Next,” the cashier calls, and they step up to order their drinks. Blaine orders a medium drip, while Kurt opts for a non-fat mocha because, what the hell, he’s developing a crush on his goddamn TA. He deserves the splurge.

They each pay for their drinks and then step to the side to wait.

They’re silent for several minutes, casually looking around the small coffee shop. It’s quaint, for a Starbucks built into a university building. They’ve made it look homey, like you’ve just stepped into your parents living room. Kurt can only imagine that, as a Starbucks set up in a university, this was more than purposeful.

“So,” he says, finally. “Why Music Business?”

Blaine looks up from where he’d been staring at the pick-up counter. “Well,” he says. “I’ve been in business since I graduated from Columbia back in the day.” Kurt tries to hide how impressed he is by Blaine’s alma mater. “It seemed silly to throw almost thirty years of business experience down the drain when I could incorporate it to my love of music.”

“Practical,” Kurt replies, which makes Blaine chuckle.

“That’s one word for it,” he replies.

Kurt wants to pry more. Everything about Blaine calls out to him. He wants to know everything about the man. He wants to know the other word for why Blaine chose Music Business for his graduate degree. He wants to know every detail of why he’s got two grown children, but no ring on his finger. He wants to know about the past thirty years of Blaine’s life, and however many years he lived before that, too.

Thankfully, before he can blurt out any of the undoubtedly inappropriate questions flying through his head, the barista calls out their names.

They each grab their drink and head to the small stand next to the pick-up counter full of everything they might need to make their coffee’s spectacular. Kurt doesn’t need much more than a stirrer and an extra cardboard cozy, but he watches as Blaine imbues his drink with a cocktail of sugar, milk, and cinnamon.

Somehow, it feels too intimate to be watching Blaine do this. Like knowing what his TA puts in his coffee isn’t something Kurt should know. Which is ridiculous, because he’s known the coffee orders of most of his TA’s over the years. Their pizza preferences, as well as Chinese food, too. This is nothing. This is normal. He would have learnt this eventually anyway.

Still, he looks away just as Blaine sets the cinnamon down. Maybe it’s less the act of knowing what his TA puts in his coffee, and more the act of watching Blaine’s gloriously long, slim fingers putting said things in his coffee.

He really needs to get this under control.

“So,” Blaine holds his cup up once he’s placed the lid firmly back on it. “Do you have a bit more time to chat, or do you have to be getting ready for your next meeting?”

He doesn’t. His next meeting isn’t for another hour, and it will probably be a short one, so he doesn’t have much to prepare for.

Despite that, he says, “Yes, unfortunately I should get going. But thank you for suggesting this, Blaine. It was nice to get to chat a little more.”

Too nice.

Blaine nods and smiles as Kurt begins to walk towards the door. He waves goodbye to Blaine, who is setting himself up in one of the few empty tables in the shop. Blaine waves back as he pulls his laptop out of his bag. Kurt watches him just a moment too long, watches as he takes a sip of his coffee and opens up his laptop.

When he finally leaves, it’s with the treacherous thought that Blaine’s lips would probably taste of cinnamon.

Chapter Three - Deputy

[abyss-mal-blog1]

current mind-space//word vomit

it’s amazing how much can change in a few days, but it hasn’t been a week since my finals ended and i already felt so different. i have been doing f45 everyday this week (if not then some kind of workout, but i’ve really been into that recently). i am feeling so much better now without deadlines, sometimes i don’t know if i function better under pressure or not. i guess not, but then it’s amazing how much i can do and achieve under pressure. i need the right amount of pressure, and this semester it has been a little difficult for me to get around that. 

last friday was kinda my last day of finals, i just had an essay to submit, and i am disappointed in myself and my work ethic because i submitted it at 9pm, went to my cousin’s (disappointing) party, and then professor emailed me to say that she cannot read Pages format (seriously smh @ my tardiness!!!), only got back at 1am that night and sent my mediocre essay. i am a little sad about it because i know that is not my 100%. idk why but college so far has just been a series of 80% effort. this paper was an interesting one, on airbnb, on the sharing economy, it’s a performance studies paper where i analyze the hospitality platform in terms of host-user relationship, parasitism and (attempted) to talk about free online labor. it is a little too late now but i kinda want to work on it again and like, submit for feedback. maybe ill ask taylor. 

last saturday was kinda meh, i agreed to go to a *social* kinda event at a bar/club at chelsea, held for Asian-ivy-alumni-people that yanlin invited me too. it was at up&up and honestly a little...i didn’t enjoy it at all. the music sucked, the people were either too dorky or gross or old or weird, and the whole time i just kept saying to myself, “never again”. they said it was open bar but they only served absolut, which was shit. and then my friend’s two friends were...i feel sorry that this was their first clubbing experience. at the beginning my reaction was look at all these ivy alumni! get hitched with one of them for ~da connectsx~ (and nothing else) but no kidding i was actually interested in talking to them just to get to know what people who graduated from ivies are up to, and what are they doing at such events...and are they actually enjoying themselves because it was really kinda gross. met my friend’s friend who seemed like a really smart engineer (he asked for my number the next day lol), and a german dude at the bar who didn’t want to get me a drink. all i needed that night was a drink.....(i’m glad i didn’t drink tho because recently drinking has made me feel all kinds of bad)  we had ramen after at ramen-ya (most probably the worst ramen and charsiew i’ve had but what can we do at 3am and my friend wanted noodle and soup...)

on sunday i KNow i should have left my house earlier to workout but i didn’t. i was angry at myself that i didn’t. instead, i stayed at home and emotion-ate. i must have eaten more green bean soup than my stomach would have liked. what else...avocado? i remember..two bananas? god. this was the day i felt like i was n’s boyfriend because i had to do what she wanted to do. i know i had agreed on going, but at that point i really wanted to go thrifting or something. i mean when i got to central park it was fine and things were good but the whole day just felt like i was kinda pulled into doing something that wasn’t my first choice of plans, not that i didn’t enjoy myself lying under the sun at the park. it just felt like i was accompanying someone. i was half an hour late to meet her as well, and half heartedly got a burrito-wrap at newsbar. if you think about it it is really kinda funny, we’re just buying food and taking the subway to this grass patch 50 blocks away. we didn’t walk much, we literally only stayed at a little grassy slope overlooking the baseball pitch. anyway we went to a dance class after (the class was an hour long but i felt like n had asked me about when and what time we should book the classes for more than an hour by text so i just got really sick of it) i rushed home and got dinner with my uncle who’s in town for my cousin’s graduation. i was surprised that he chose the same japanese restaurant again, after dissing it half a year ago we ate here. the omakase was crazy and it cost 230 per person. (for the most expensive set) it was also kinda dumb because you aren’t allowed to order a different omakase set from anyone else - everyone on the table has to order the same - because of “timing”. i wonder if this is how it is in japanese omakase etiquette, but in any case it really earned them a hefty amount because my uncle decided to get 230 for all of us. qiyang didn’t like and said qiqi had bad taste, hahaha. the food wasn’t bad, i mean it’s japanese fusion, but the prices were way too steep for the taste. anyway enough about the food, during the dinner i think we talked about many things though. i kinda wanted to talk to my uncle individually because i think he is the only one who knows about ah gong, but he was sick, and i could tell he was exhausted. my aunt got a little impatient because i didn’t arrange plans to take their furniture and they were going to throw all of them away and it was actually the first time i’ve seen her get so worked up - but at the same time trying to control her emotions - because she was talking to me. i could tell she was annoyed though but i tried not to take it personally, and arranged it tomorrow. 

arranging the moving stuff was kinda last minute, i was walking to the library for work one day and i saw a truck that said MakeSpace. i assumed it was a kind of moving company and so i looked them up. they seemed to be pretty okay in terms of their services and so i decided to try them out. confirmation and setting up an appointment went pretty smoothly, except for the part where the guy i think his name was joseph, asked me to give my credit card details over the phone. idk why i did that! i stopped though, and asked him why, to which he replied he wanted to key in with the coupon code. this service has so much gimmicks within the first 2-3 minutes on the phone he was already telling me about how the first pick up is free, and that he will deduct 100$ off the first month...when people give you discounts too easily it just feels like a ploy and a thing they give to everyone, it’s not anything special and it’s probably calculated inside whatever we have to pay. anyway, i was just thinking it would be cheaper (assuming the maximum that i would have to pay is ~$500, as i confirmed with them on the phone yesterday), it’d still be cheaper than starting an apartment lease now and going through the trouble of finding two subletters. 

well. idk, it’s also easy to have things all moved in, i have to find a place to store my perishables!

moving is so much work, and storing things. this reminds me of my paper on airbnb and about the digital nomad lifestyle. it is interesting though, that this is what it has become. but the homogenized aesthetic is something i really cannot stand, in airbnb, in coffeeshops around the world..i am sure you know what i’m talking about. a new york times writer did something about this - he termed it “Airspace” - and apparently it originated from Brooklyn. I guess that’s where the art/avant-garde stuff started. well. keep a look out im gonna write a blogpost about that 

moving on 

nat came to sleepover on sunday night and a few days after because the school kicks you out of the dorms you pay so much for right after your final ends. i forgot if we did something fun but i probably just fell asleep. 

on monday i think i went to f45 and did cardio at Dumbo with Gi. he seems like a pretty nice trainer, the first time i went it was him and another girl Bertha (i think my first f45 was last tuesday) and i felt like i had two personal trainers with me - Gi was cheering me on and Bertha was doing it with me. it felt like such a good workout, one of the best ive had in a while. then work, where i arranged the movers stuff. i also realized i bought the wrong date for my flight ticket as my friends and had to buy one more...............

tuesday was the same f45 in the morning, and the bobst after. didn’t really get much work done at bobst. oh i also viewed a 3BR flex at 160. hella expensive and small, and dates didn’t work out anyway. also the broker who brought us to view the apartment was a very nice tall french man and his name was jean-francois which i couldn’t pronounce and asked nat but still called him jean as in jeen instead of john. this is why i have to learn french. you’re embarrassing. i also went to the itp/ima spring show with shubham which was super cool. there were many cool ideas, and i just wonder if i could create something like that. i didn’t get to see all of the exhibits which i regret, but i remember a few notable projects. one was an installation made with keyboards that randomly clicks, but when you hold your phone up it’ll stop. it’s made using 3d gestures. there’s also one at a gallery for surveillance, this team had a thing they call facebox, and it’s literally a box, that when you open it has a webcam that would capture your face, find you on facebook, and print out an invoice/receipt on how much you have earned for this giant tech company.  what else...an AR project that when you scan a food,  it shows you where the food comes from. nat said that she would love it if menus have something they could scan and then have pictures appear in ~holographic~ format, or maybe in the nearer future something on your phone that shows you a picture of the picture of the food. but isn’t it a surprise tho? sometimes the fun’s in the surprise, you read the description, you know what are the foods you’ll eat, leaving room to imagine or be surprised by how the chef puts it together! anyway, went for dinner with nat and jenny - got vegan shwarma (definitely wasn’t worth $14) and went to get crepes with will after. 

wednesday we were gonna go to the dmv but we weren’t prepared. nat also needed to get her passport and she was lazy. wow the number of times i mentioned her, it feels like she’s my boyfriend at this point. talked to famz, sister, and beatrix. am currently considering if i should even go to beijing or just go straight home. fuck. went to bobst for work but no one was there i was just really sleepy. viewed an apartment at 55 morton (it’s a nice quiet residential street that seems to be tucked away from the loud cars and bars and people) then i went to f45 again-varsity!!! cardio!!!, walked across brooklyn bridge (a little regret although i wanted to walk, but my bag was heavy and there were too many tourists to brisk walk) 

also the reason for this is that after my soba/miso/salad/shrimp dinner last night i was just watching a bunch of netflix shows and it was probably the caffeine from puerto rican roasting company - the barista made me a chai cappuccino with almond milk (3 SHOTS!!!)

me and nat couldn’t sleep, i really think i slept for an hour. i watched so many different shows, yoko and john’s documentary, while we were young, anthony bourdain, i was seriously flipping through all the shows and alternating between amazonprme and youtube and netflix and i even tried watching peaceful cuisine and making the brightness lower and had the sleep mode on and wow i just couldn’t sleep

so yeah the birth of this word vomit 

i am going to create more things

[dragon-temeraire]

Come And Go With Me

I wrote a sciles werewolf convention fic for @liliaeth as part of the Stiles Rares event! (On AO3)

“I just don’t think it’s a good idea—”

“I’m perfect for this role, Derek,” Stiles says, glaring. “I’ve been Scott’s best friend forever, and I’m a great actor. No one will have any doubts about us.”

“Great acting, sure,” Derek says pointedly, while Scott looks between them with a confused expression. “But are you really going to be able to handle that level of contact? He’ll have to scent mark you pretty often, among other things, and—”

“Are you volunteering?” Stiles asks challengingly. “Do you want to play the role of Scott’s mate?”

“No, I just want to be sure—” Derek tries, but Stiles doesn’t let him finish before jumping in again.

“It’ll be fine,” he insists. “Scott, what do you think?”

“I’m not sure you guys are having the same conversation,” Scott says tentatively. “But I do know Stiles best, and I’d be most comfortable doing all the PDA with him,” he says to Derek. “I think it’d probably be the most believable.”

“Besides, no one else in the pack besides us is single. I really am the best option,” Stiles adds. “Though I still think it’s weird that Scott can’t go to this convention without a date.”

“It would be very unusual for an established alpha werewolf to be single,” Derek says. “It’s based on the old traditional idea that an unmated alpha effects pack stability in a negative way. It’s not true, but it persists anyway.”

“And I’m not going to make waves at my very first convention,” Scott says, glancing Stiles’ way.

Stiles raises his hands defensively. “Hey, I’m not going to make trouble. I’m just going to be your boring human boyfriend!”

Scott laughs, and slings an arm over Stiles’ shoulder. “I don’t think you could ever be boring,” he says, then glances Derek’s way. “Are we going to need to hold hands the whole time? Share clothes?”

“Flutter our eyelashes at each other?” Stiles adds, smirking.

Derek just gives a long-suffering sigh.

 *

 “Dude, what the hell?” Stiles hisses as soon as Derek’s inside the door. He leans out into the street, making sure no other werewolves are in sight, before turning back to glare at Derek. “What were you doing earlier? Were you just going to tell him how I feel—”

“You’ve been in love with him since before he turned,” Derek says sharply. “So I don’t think you’re the right person to go.”

“That should make me the best person to go! I’ll pass all the werewolf lie-detection tests because I’m actually in love with him,” Stiles snaps. “My actions will be more convincing if none of them are fake.”

“I’m just concerned,” Derek says, shoulders sagging. “Have you considered how difficult this is going to be for you?”

“I’ve lived a large part of my life in love with him,” Stiles says, aiming for casual but likely failing. “This won’t be any different than the usual.”

Derek raises his eyebrow. “Except that you’ll be sleeping in the same bed. And spending a lot of time close together, snuggling, holding hands, kissing—”

“I get it,” Stiles says before Derek can elaborate further. “But that might be all I get before he finds someone else amazing to date, so.”

“And what happens if he finds out? What if you two have a falling out at the convention?” Derek says, sounding tired. “What if he was only okay with it when it was fake? You have a week before you have to leave for the convention. Think it over, make your plans, and most of all be sure this is what you want.”

“And what happens if I decide not to go? I won’t let Scott go alone,” Stiles gets out, feeling like he’s trembling all over at just the idea of Scott rejecting him. He really can’t bear to think about it, no matter what Derek wants.

“Then I’d go with him,” Derek says. “I don’t love him the way you do, but I do love him.”

“Yeah,” Stiles says, running a shaky hand over his face. “Thanks Derek.”

 *

 “You’re sure you’re okay with this?” Scott asks, glancing away from the road for a moment.

It’s a nearly eight-hour drive to the convention, and Scott is taking the first shift behind the wheel. Stiles has supposedly been taking pictures of the vibrant wildflowers along the road, but has actually been sneaking just as many pictures of Scott, looking relaxed and content behind the wheel. He’d never admit it, but he’s definitely planning to print some of them and hang them in his dorm.

“Totally,” Stiles says, then watches Scott for a moment, wondering how much he’s going to push. “I’m just a little worried the other alphas will look down on you for having a human mate.”

“Derek said it’s not actually that uncommon,” Scott says, shrugging. “So it’ll be fine. I think Derek’s just happy I’m not dating Allison anymore.”

“Yeah, bringing a former hunter to a werewolf convention seems like a bad idea,” Stiles says, laughing a little. “You sure you’re okay with this whole charade? I know you hate lying to people.”

“It’s not a lie. I really do care about you, and I want you by my side,” Scott says with complete seriousness, and Stiles feels his traitorous heart flutter.

Scott glances over again, then takes a hand off the wheel and rests it on the center console, palm up.

“Wanting to get a little practice in?” Stiles jokes.

“Something like that,” Scott says easily. “You need to smell at least a little like me.”

“Dude, I’m wearing your jacket,” Stiles huffs. Still, he traces his fingers along the curve of Scott’s thumb and the flat of his palm before resting his hand in Scott’s.

“And you look great in it,” Scott says, smiling sunnily, and lightly squeezes Stiles’ hand.

 *

 Stiles whistles when they pull into the convention center parking lot. “Seems like werewolves tend to have money, huh? I bet this place has, like, a spa or something.”

“Well, we are using part of our summer break, we might as well enjoy it,” Scott says, shrugging. “I bet our room will be really nice, too.”

“Yeah, I’m super glad we’re not doing this during the semester. Can’t image my Biology professor would accept I had werewolf stuff to do as an excuse to miss class,” Stiles says, grabbing his bags out of the trunk.

“Probably not,” Scott agrees, automatically slinging half of Stiles’ stuff on his back.

Stiles considers it personal growth that he actually lets him do it.

“Hey, are there a lot of others here already?” Stiles asks curiously as they make their way toward the entrance. “Can you tell?”

Scott lifts his chin, seeming to take in their surroundings in seconds. “Not many yet. We’re kind of early.”

That’s proved when they walk in the door and there’s no line to check in. They get their name badges—Scott’s with a little wolf on it, Stiles’ with a moon on his—and room keys before shuffling into the atrium of the convention center.

It’s an airy, open space well-lit with skylights, and Stiles pauses for a moment to take it in. There’s a tall structure in the middle, made of wood and metal and rope, that dominates the space. It has balconies and little ledges sticking off it, along with a staircase running through the center, linking together what appear to be empty rooms. Stiles wonders for a long moment why there’s a weird, half-built house here, when he realizes what it actually is.

It’s a werewolf obstacle course.

A test.

Scott steps closer, leans his shoulder against Stiles’ and says, “Derek mentioned there’d be something like this. Apparently, they have a competition to see who can ring the bell first.”

“Bell?” Stiles says, eyes roving across beams and loops of rope. Scott points, and Stiles finally spots a tiny bell, hanging from a pole at the highest point of the structure. “Oh. Hey, how does Derek know all this stuff? He wasn’t an alpha for very long, and I know he didn’t slip away from Beacon Hills to attend a convention during that time, either.”

“He went with Laura once, about six months after the fire,” Scott says, resting a hand on Stiles’ lower back and guiding him toward the elevators. “Due to those circumstances, it was acceptable for a sibling to accompany her, rather than a mate.”

Stiles rubs a hand across his forehead, lets Scott push the button for their floor. “I didn’t realize. It had to be rough for him, dredging up all those memories. I’m glad he was able to help you, though,” he says, briefly resting against Scott.

“Me too,” Scott says, stepping through the doors and heading down the hallway. “And remembering what you lost isn’t always a bad thing. It reminds you to treat the future with care.”

Then Stiles has work hard to resist kissing Scott, who always tries to stay gentle and kind, even when the rest of the world isn’t.

“Whoa,” he says when Scott pushes open the door. It’s the biggest hotel room he’s ever seen—there’s an entire sitting area, filled with couches and a table and chairs, that takes up most of the space, and offset from that is the bedroom. Inside, there’s a dresser, a wardrobe, and only one king bed, of course.

Stiles knows werewolves are very tactile, so there’s no reason one wouldn’t want to sleep right next to their mate.  

He drops his stuff on an armchair, and immediately flops back on the bed, sprawling out. “This bed is so soft,” he sighs out happily, letting his eyes slide closed. “Makes all of this totally worth it.”

Scott laughs from somewhere close by, then Stiles feels the bed move as Scott climbs in. But he doesn’t lay down on the other side, he instead settles himself down carefully on top of Stiles, slotting his legs along Stiles’ and tucking his hands under his shoulders. “And you haven’t even been in the hot tub yet,” he says, nuzzling in against Stiles’ neck.

“True,” Stiles says, arms coming up around Scott and holding him close. Scott shifts a little, trying to get comfortable, and Stiles tries not to react. “Hey, let’s make a rule right now: we’re going to have to get close and personal this whole trip, so there will be no judgement for, uh, inappropriate reaction to stimulus. Okay?”

“Deal,” Scott says. “No judgement and no comments on…personal matters.”

“Thanks,” Stiles says, sweeping a hand down Scott’s back. “You know, I’m glad that—if I have to spend part of my summer on werewolf business—at least I’m getting to spend it with you. I’ve been regretting us not going to the same college, I was really missing you last semester.”

“Me too,” Scott sighs. “But we’re not that far apart, maybe we can try visiting each other every few weekends.”

“That’d be good,” Stiles says, but he can’t help thinking, isn’t that something you’d do for someone you’re dating? He’s been tempted to tell people at school that Scott is his boyfriend, but he has a deep fear of that somehow getting back to Scott, so he doesn’t do it. He imagines it a lot, though.

Scott tucks his face more firmly against Stiles’ neck, like he’s settling in and planning to stay.

Stiles is completely fine with that.

 *

 That evening, the convention is more of a party than Stiles was expecting.

“I think you smell enough like me,” Scott had said when Stiles’ stomach rumbled. “We can head downstairs and have dinner.”

There are long rows of buffet tables set up, full of food that smells amazing, there’s music playing, and some of the werewolves are dancing in an open area of the ballroom instead of waiting in line. In one corner, there’s a pile of cushions and beanbags and pillows—Stiles as a moment of horror, imagining they have to be part of a werewolf orgy—but realizes werewolves also get lethargic after eating, and just want a comfortable place to sprawl out and socialize after a big meal.

Stiles ends up dancing in line while they wait to get food, until Scott pulls him close and holds him there, tight against his side. It’s supposedly to scent-mark him, but Stiles knows the truth. But he also doesn’t want to accidentally hit another alpha in the face and cause an incident, so he wraps his arms around Scott’s waist and tries to keep still.

To Stiles’ surprise, they don’t go back up to the room after they eat, but end up on one of the big cushions, Scott’s head in his lap. He supposes it’s a good time to talk, while everyone’s relaxed, but he mostly lets Scott handle that, sliding his fingers through Scott’s hair and only jumping into the conversation occasionally.

It’s late by the time they head back upstairs to their room, and by then Stiles is too tired to worry about sleeping next to Scott. They’d continued to have sleepovers through high school, but they’d stopped sleeping in the same bed, and Stiles isn’t sure what to expect now.

He brushes his teeth and changes into his pajamas before slipping under the covers, and when Scott joins him a few moments later, he whispers, “Just like when we were kids.”

“Maybe not just like that,” Stiles says sleepily, but thinks even back then, I was hoping one day you’d marry me. So not much has changed, after all.

“You’re right,” Scott says, throwing an arm over Stiles and pulling him close. “This is better.”

Stiles falls asleep with a smile on his face.

 *

 The next morning features Stiles waking up with an awkward erection, and he quickly sneaks into the bathroom to take care of it. True to his word, Scott doesn't say anything about it, but Stiles does wonder if Scott's in a similar situation. He refuses to let himself look when Scott finally gets out of bed.

After they’ve both showered, there’s breakfast and all the presentations and panels Stiles had expected there to be at the convention. It becomes apparent that, werewolf or not, some people just aren’t good at public speaking. There is a lot of interesting information, though, and Stiles taps a few things into his phone to make sure he doesn’t forget.

Scott ends up asking a couple of questions at one of the panels, and the alpha who answers seems disconcerted by Scott’s sunny smile and gentle demeanor, and Stiles tries not to laugh when he sees several others immediately begin to underestimate him.

That tends to work out in their favor, so Stiles doesn’t say anything about it. He does take Scott’s hand when he comes back, squeezing supportively.

After presentations about types of pack dynamics and best management styles is over, it’s time for lunch, and after that is the apparently mandatory lounging-around time. He’s just considering lying down next to Scott and taking a nap, when he notices a lot of the other werewolves getting up and heading down the hall.

“What’s going on?” he asks when Scott’s suddenly on his feet.

“They’re starting,” Scott answers, which isn’t really an answer at all, and holds out his hand to help Stiles up.

Stiles takes it and then doesn’t let go, twining his fingers with Scott’s and following along. He shouldn’t be surprised when they end up in the atrium, bright sunlight shining down on the compressed obstacle course, but somehow he still is.

There are already two alphas waiting at the base of it, and at an unheard—at least to Stiles—signal, they both leap forward and race to the top, taking different routes to get there. One wins handily, ringing the bell before the other alpha gets close, but no one in the crowd seems particularly impressed.

When they come down, the winner stands to the side, and the loser heads back into the crowd. Then two more alphas step up. This time they both take similar paths, and Stiles can hear their claws scraping against the wood as they try to shoulder each other out of the way. The intensity is much higher this time, with everyone practically holding their breath, and it comes to a head when the alphas land on a balcony at the same time.

There’s a scuffle, with growling and snarling and a painful-looking use of elbows and knees, and then one of the alphas goes flying over the low railing. He catches himself on one of the loops of rope, tries to pull himself back up, but it’s too late. The other alpha rings the bell victoriously.

It goes on like that, pairs of alphas competing to get to the top fastest, and Stiles keeps waiting for Scott to step forward, but he just keeps standing there, still hand-in-hand with Stiles.

Every now and then, when the pool of winners gets too large, the alpha running the event makes a group of four or five of them go at once, with only one victor at the end. The area around the structure has started to clear out, with all the losing alphas standing back toward the walls, and the number of alphas yet to go gradually dwindling.

It’s not until there are only two winning alphas left that Scott finally lets go of Stiles’ hand and steps forward. Stiles doesn’t have werewolf hearing, but he still catches a few mutters about true alphas and being fair and letting everyone else go first.

It’s the first time Stiles has really heard any reference to Scott’s status, and it makes him hope Scott doesn’t lose terribly. That’d be really embarrassing.

The three alphas line up, and Stiles finds himself swaying forward in anticipation, his whole body tense as he keeps his eyes trained on Scott.

All three suddenly leap forward, and the two other alphas make a grab for Scott, but he slips through their hands easily. He takes a different route than Stiles has ever seen, leaping into a “window” and then bounding up the staircase in the center before reemerging onto a narrow ledge.

Stiles thinks it’ll all be fine, but then one of the other alphas lands on the same ledge, and Stiles knows that Scott’s not going to shove anybody off, even if they won’t be hurt. Scott and the alpha stare each other down for a moment, then Scott backflips—dammit, Derek—off the ledge and onto a nearby balcony. He times it so that he leaves the ledge just as the other alpha is jumping for it, and his two competitors collide and go careening off the edge.

They both manage to catch themselves and claw their way back up, but it’s too late. Scott’s already leaping toward the bell, and in the absolute silence the chime is clear and distinct.

A cheer goes up as Scott lands almost directly in front of Stiles, and a surge of emotion and the roar of the crowd has Stiles darting forward, arms going around Scott’s shoulders as he kisses him fiercely, putting all his exhilaration and admiration and devotion into it, and Scott—

Scott kisses him back, but Stiles suddenly remembers that he’s probably just doing it for show, because he has to, and he hastily pulls away.

Scott just smiles at him like nothing unusual happened—unlike Stiles, who is probably giving away the charade of their relationship just by the reactions he’s having right now—and he’s suddenly aware of all the other werewolves crowding around, patting Scott on the back and shoulders and anywhere they can reach, talking excitedly and congratulating him.

Stiles takes the distraction as the opportunity it is, and slips carefully through the alphas—who pay him no mind, all their attention focused on Scott—and gets upstairs to the room as quickly as possible. He needs to be alone right now, needs to find a way to spin this, to make this okay.

He doesn’t think Derek’s dire predictions will come true, but he doesn’t want to risk it, either.

He’s pacing across the room, muttering to himself as his thoughts fly in all directions, his anxiety ramping up the more he considers that things might have already gone wrong, that Scott might be freaked out or angry because Stiles kissed—

“Dude, good work. That was an amazing fake kiss,” Scott says, bursting into the room just as Stiles is mid-pace and at the height of his stress about everything.

That’s his excuse for the words he blurts out, though he knows it’s at least in part because he’s just tired of pretending, tired of hiding how he feels.

“It wasn’t a fake kiss,” he snaps, and the look of shock on Scott’s face feels good for about a half-second before the regret comes flooding in.

“I—but that’s not possible,” Scott says, looking distraught. “You don’t—”

“You think I don’t know whether or not I’m in love with you? Because I’m pretty damn sure that I am, Scott,” Stiles cuts in, because he might as well put it all out there. “And what do you mean, not possible?”

“Your scent never changed,” Scott says, and his voice his soft, but he’s looking at Stiles with an intensity he’s never experienced before. “All this time, I kept hoping that it would, that it would be different when you were around me. But it never did. You smell just the same as you did when I was first turned, so I—”

Scott sounds disappointed, sad, but Stiles can’t help laughing a little. “Oh, man,” he says, closing the distance between them so he can rest his hands on Scott’s shoulders. “Your baseline was flawed. I was in love with you before you became a werewolf.” He lightly strokes his thumb along Scott’s jaw. “And you’re right, that never changed.”

Scott’s frown suddenly flips, once he processes what Stiles is saying, and he’s suddenly beaming at him, head tipping up in a clear invitation that Stiles is only too happy to take. He kisses Scott again, but it’s better this time, with both of them knowing that it’s real, that they mean it.

After a long while of kissing and touching and soft, encouraging sounds, Stiles’ fingers encounter something on Scott’s chest, under his shirt. “What’s this?” he asks, tapping it curiously.

“Oh! That’s what I came up here to tell you,” Scott says, a little sheepishly. He fishes his hand into the collar of his shirt, and pulls out a chain necklace for Stiles to see. There’s a howling wolf dangling from it, with a tiny red gem for the eye. “Since I won the challenge, I’m in charge of it next year. I get to design it however I want.”

“That’s awesome,” Stiles says, brushing his fingers over the little wolf before tucking it back into Scott’s shirt.

“Yeah, I was hoping you’d help me plan something,” Scott says. “And I was hoping you’d be here again, as my mate.”

“Of course,” Stiles says, tipping Scott’s face up so he can press his smile against Scott’s. “I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

(They spend the rest of the day in their hotel room, but that’s okay. Everyone just thinks Scott is celebrating his victory. Only Stiles knows that Scott is celebrating something else.)

[loadingluke]

Hysto update

Hey all, long time no chat. Warning now, this is going to be a long one.

Firstly, I apologise for not being great at updating- I think that just over time I’ve stopped using tumblr to the same level as I do other social media, When I was 14-17 I was on here all the time, but now not so much. I will still use this as a means to document my medical transition, but I often forget about it so apologies if I don’t keep everyone as updated as I used to. Once phallo happens, I’ll be documenting in writing everything that happens, and I’ll definitely share that on here as well as my private facebook group (If you are 18+ and have facebook, feel free to add this account and shoot me a message to be added: https://www.facebook.com/luke.yeet.961). I’m much more active there compared to tumblr because tumblr mobile sucks lol. I’ll also be making more videos after surgery, as you’ll see below I was really screwed around and. being the middle of semester I was struggling to keep my uni work under control, whilst arranging this all and so I did not have time to film or edit any videos. 

Anyway, now that that housekeeping is out the way, let’s have a chat about what’s happened recently. For those of you who did not know, my hysto was confirmed for September 4th, and was going to be done for free in a public hospital on Medicare (Australian public health insurance). I had my pre-op appointment on the 16/8/2018, and when I got there I found out it had been canceled without me knowing or being told. The receptionist was lovely and found out what happened and told me someone was going to see me and that they wouldn’t be long. 2 and a half hours later, I was finally seen and was told that my surgery may need to be delayed due to ‘issues with ethics approval’. 

I don’t really know what these issues were, or if my case has been submitted at all or if I was just forgotten or something. I don’t know why it was ‘potentially delayed’, but I have seen 3 specialists, and I’ve seen the surgeons now 4 times. I really didn’t know what more I could have provided, or if there is anything more I could even do, but I was more annoyed that I was not being told what I need to do to make it better.

I was really upset and stressed about it all- I get that it’s a public hospital and that I’m lucky the service is available. I’m happy to wait hours, I’m happy to work around the date I’m given with no issues. It’s just really frustrating when I’ve been seeing surgeons there at the hospital since 2016, and actively arranging this since November last year SPECIFICALLY so that it wouldn’t end up being rushed like this. The only other option I was given on the public system besides my current September date was in October, 2 weeks before my final exams. I couldn’t do any later as I’m having phalloplasty in February and I won’t be recovered enough in time for that if I have my hysto any later.

I was really frustrated by the lack of communication and how I had no answers. I needed to get time off work, and special consideration from uni and I knew I had to work really hard to arrange it around what is already a really difficult time for me study wise because I knew that I was not able to be picky with dates and times. I was so relieved once I got my date confirmed by the hospital, and I had it all arranged. A week on from my pre-op appointment, I still had no idea if I was having surgery or not as I had no one contact me since my appointment.

At that point, I called the hospital and was given a little more of an explanation. Apparently, my surgery was canceled due to ethics having an issue with my age (I am 22 for context). They had a meeting that day regarding the situation an I can expect a call later. I was told that September is about 95% chance canceled, they MAY be able to swing something if I'm really lucky but it's not looking good. Apparently, this is a hospital-wide issue and I'm not the only case dealing with something like this. I was really upset. I specifically got the ball rolling months in advance to make sure all the ethics was fine, and then in April was told it was all good, so I still have no idea why this happened. 

I then contacted my team at my gender clinic. They tried to work with the surgeons to help me, as well as steps to issue a formal complaint. Afterwards I felt a lot more positive, and I'm so grateful that they are all so supportive and helpful. It meant a lot that they are taking time out of their busy days to assist me. 

Next, I got a call from the surgeon and she didn’t have any luck, and that they won't grant approval by my September surgery date. She arranged for my surgery to be done privately- I just need to check with Bupa when they are open tomorrow that they are happy to approve it (I'm currently in my 12 month waiting period). 

I really hope that I've made it clear that I'm not frustrated at the team at the hospital (bar the communication), more the system. Whoever these ethics people are or what their issues are, they can't just go back on their decision at the 11th hour...THAT'S not ethical. I hope that what follows this is a shift in attitude because trust me, I'm making sure this isn't just swept under the rug. I will say though, I've been jumping through hoops for years to prove that I know what I am doing, and fighting tooth and nail for body autonomy and I have been doing so as long as I've been transitioning (over 6 years now). Honestly, today is my first time actually having my health care practitioners advocating on my behalf and it feels amazing having so much support. The surgeon has done everything she can, and I am so very grateful for her and the work she does for the trans community, as well as everyone at my gender clinic for being so helpful and willing to work with me to fix this awful situation.

After 3 calls to Bupa I was finally sure I’m covered for my surgery. Two people had no idea what was going on, and one person was excellent. He was furious that they weren’t just accepting that my case was ‘psychiatric’ and not a ‘pre exisiting condition’ (2 month vs 12 month waiting period, I’m currently at 8 months). He he said he’d be able to sort it out but the turn around might mean it won’t be sorted by my surgery date. Stressful times. He called back later and let me know that at the moment updating from my current standard hospital care to top level care would remove my waiting times as they’ve had to change the plans around to meet the industry standard. This was not really relevant for me, but it was a neat loophole that meant I didn’t have to worry about running around and getting emergency psych evaluations (again!) because I’m just covered either way. 

My surgeon, Dr. Kent Kuswanto, squeezed me in for a Wednesday morning pre-op appointment last week.  It was a pretty quick chat as he had already obtained all my info from the public hospital, and I'd already had 4 other appointments with gynos/specialists so I was already familiar with the procedure and what was going to be happening. He just went through basic medical stuff, like asking about smoking, medical history etc. It was pretty straightforward. Since I'm covered with Bupa, I'll be having surgery privately on Monday. I've been booked in for 11:30, fasting from 7am the day of surgery, and I'm having a total laparoscopic hysterectomy (with a robot, how exciting!).

Kent is not charging me an out of pocket cost (as I was already on the public system list and my situation was unique, but I don't know if that is the norm), but I will be charged about 200-300 by the anaesthetist, plus potentially some pathology (which will either not amount to much, or will be covered by Bupa anyway). I'll need to pay the hospital my 250 premium for Bupa on admission to the hospital, but besides that, I should be covered for everything else. 

Since stage one phallo is only 5 months away, I'm glad I'm getting this done now. If I knew at the time that this is what would have happened, I definitely would have gone privately in the first place to avoid being messed around, and I would have done it sooner, but c'est la vie ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. Kent and his secretary are lovely, an I felt super well looked after. I'll make another post sometime tonight about how I'm preparing etc, but fingers crossed that's all for now until then!

[kelseybock]

A Few Lessons Learned: Summer 2019

I was flipping through a holiday magazine today and got so excited for all of the things associated with my favorite season and time of the year: cooler weather, pumpkin patches, cider, football, scarves, holidays... and I started reflecting on how great this summer has been as well. I have truly enjoyed this summer with friends and family. I’ve experienced so many events that I was unable to be a part of when I was in school due to lack of time, etc. and that I really felt that I had missed out on after getting married so young. I traveled to Mexico for my sister’s wedding and a family vacation, saw Cody Johnson (& Brett Young tomorrow!), visited with lots of family and friends, and met new co-workers and people from all over the world as I began my job. Colton would agree that we have both learned a lot about who we are and what we both want as a couple. 

I have personally been doing some serious soul-searching and that has been good, but also difficult. I’ve reached out to friends and family with my fears, doubts, and thoughts and have tried to make sense of things that I know have impacted my life greatly growing up. I’ve been trying to make sense of it all. 

Like I said, I have learned a few things this summer as I haven’t had the anxiety of schoolwork deadlines, exams, etc. on my mind to fret over and as I’ve actually been able to be where I’m at with the people that I love. Last summer Colton and I took a vacation to Colorado and I loved being with family in the mountains where we hiked, relaxed, and just took in the beauty of the nature surrounding us. This summer sticks out in my mind though as I have learned and been reminded of some valuable lessons as I traveled and was able to actually relax a little and have fun with so many people that I love. Below are a few of the things that I have learned or been reminded of:

1) Intentionality

It truly does make a difference to be intentional about being present, and scheduling in the time to do that. Our schedules these last few years have been crazy and difficult and we’ve tried so hard to just make it work however we could. I was working full time and was also a full-time student, while trying to juggle being a wife, a sister, a daughter, a friend, etc. Colton was doing the same and it was extremely difficult, especially when peak season hit every year at his job. I’m sure many couples may be able to relate to just in general, the stress of life and a packed schedule, and the pressure to have the quality time needed in marriage. Anyways, I am pretty darn real with people about my struggles and I am not usually one to sweep things under the rug, so when I say it was a difficult few years for us, it is not because I am trying to complain a lot, it is because it truly was.

People who know me well know that as a student, I stressed over my grades and know that I didn’t prioritize having a vibrant social life. I definitely sacrificed that often, but it was all worth it because I still have my man by my side and a family that has cheered me on through some pretty dark times. And a degree too, which helps in some respects I suppose. 

Friends have come and gone, but I am so thankful for our life group and the relationships Colton and I both have made here in KC. 

Lastly, I’ve had the thought that if others were to describe me as I pushed my way through life during those semesters, they would possibly say that I was anxious, boring, and probably grumpy. 

I’m glad to say that those long and dark days are a part of my past. My anxiety levels have gone down SO much and I’ve recently been putting way more effort into my health, relationships, marriage, home, and seeing and exploring our city. I have also recently started being more intentional about waking up every day to do something positive, something that brings me peace and joy before I start my day off by heading out the door into the world.

2) Facing Reality

I know from experience that just because one difficult season or period of life is over, it doesn’t mean that another will not arrive. I have had my fair share of bad experiences this summer alongside the good ones, but I’ve also had a lot that has happened in my life, just things that are part of my life story and have shaped me, that have come to the surface this summer. 

I try to stay positive and I don’t expect everyone to understand, but I do think that most people are surprised by my story when they take the time to listen to it. 

Having my past experiences rise to the surface happened often when I was in high school and college, but I was always too busy to really focus on them and the baggage that they entailed. As I’ve talked with others and have had the time this summer to seek out wise and certified people who have directed me to other intelligent and certified people, I’ve been humbled. And scared. Facing things from our pasts, our childhoods, our fears... those are things that most people never want to really deal with or relive. 

With the degree that I have, I should know that it’s more than necessary to take care of myself. People who have a passion and heart for taking care of others also have to take care of themselves, sometimes before they can even go out and help others. Reaching out and seeking out my options has been a huge step for me as I had talked to people in the past about it several times but didn’t end up following through. I made excuses because I was fearful. 

Kind of ironic... but has anyone else felt that way too? Fearful when it’s time to take a necessary and healthy step to help yourself? I think it’s important to have a good support system willing to follow up with you to see if you are taking those steps, growing, healing, etc.

3) Oversharing

A couple of semesters ago in my counseling classes, other students would say their first impression of me was that I appeared to “have it all together”, of which I laughed and explained how much of a mess my life really was. 

When people started telling me that they thought I had my life together often, I went a little extreme and made it a goal of mine to be as honest as I could with people, even at the expense of their comfortability, which is kind of embarrassing looking back, but I’ll own it shamelessly, or at least I’ll try to... haha...

However, I’ve learned to not share so much with people that I think may care. If people don’t ask, they probably don’t care too much. And if they do ask, I’ve learned that you also have to be careful because sometimes people are just vicious and want to use the information that you give them to gossip or hurt you somehow. I’ve learned that you can’t force who you truly are onto someone just because you want them to perceive you correctly. It is also other people’s responsibilities to get to know you, and you have to just trust that they will be gracious and kind in that process as you hope to be with others as well.

4) Investing

Colton and I are making more life changes and deciding what all of the next steps look like for us financially, with family, plans, etc. There are exciting changes ahead and we are serious about the next few years as far as how we handle our time and resources. 

If there’s one thing that I’ve learned, it’s to invest. 

Invest your time, invest in your relationships, and invest your money. Invest in the right relationships and friendships. 

Not everyone is cheering for me as an individual, cheering on Colton, my marriage, my family, or even my well being in general and I have found that everyone is definitely not my friend or interested in being one. I’ve learned to be wiser in recognizing those that aren’t. 

The reality is that everyone does not have my best interest at heart and that’s why being alert and aware is important as well. Not paranoid, but aware.

As far as investing money, we have been meeting together with a man that teaches courses over finances. He has helped us get on the same page with our finances, which has been such a healthy thing for us to experience!

5) Forgiveness

I sat down for the first time this summer and wrote out apology letters and also letters expressing how I felt about the things that they did to me or I to them. That might sound really strange, but I was advised to do it last year and never did until now. 

I wrote a letter to each person who I’ve been hurt by. I wrote out why I felt hurt by them, how their words and actions affected me, and lastly how I could have handled things differently in the relationships/friendships as well. I realized my own mistakes as I reflected. (Apology letters can be written for anyone obviously: family members, friends, anyone that you hold a grudge against or struggle to forgive) 

Writing the letters was more difficult than I thought it would be. Tears were shed and a lot of reflecting occurred. I realized while writing to these people that are no longer in my life or aren’t that involved how much I’ve grown as a person over the years and months, weeks even... and also how much I really was holding in all these years. I would encourage friends and family members to do this exercise as well because it’s incredibly freeing. You do not have to actually mail the letters or deliver them if you don’t feel comfortable with that. The act of writing them and putting them in a sealed envelope alone is enough for some. 

I think marriage makes you stretch and grow in this area at all times, but I have been reminded over and over about forgiveness and grace as I’ve been given it and have given it to others as well. I have been reminded that when I mess up and make mistakes, I can have some grace for myself. 

I’ve always been really hard on myself, but I’ve really tried to work on being more forgiving as well as remembering to take the time to reflect on my decisions. If my spouse makes bad decisions, I can always have more grace with him too. 

The forgiveness concept applies to all of my relationships though. I’m learning more about it overall and trying to give it out more than what sometimes feels comfortable. Because if I have been forgiven over and over, why shouldn’t I forgive others as well?

6) Boundaries

I’ve learned more about boundaries and having discipline after talking with people who have put their own boundaries in place. I’ve also read a couple of books about boundaries and people skills. 

Throughout my life, setting boundaries has been something that I’ve always struggled with. As a natural people-pleaser, I’ve struggled with saying “no”. This summer specifically, I got so fed up with allowing people to walk all over me and treat me like absolute garbage for being what they may perceive as a nice and quote-unquote weak person. Some of the kindest people have been through some of the most difficult experiences and events that some could not even begin to imagine. Those kind people are humans too. The difference between the people that are 90% of the time kind and the perpetually hateful ones is that the kind person has possibly experienced the pain from some of the most awful people and has possibly lived through some of the most horrifying experiences and are still able to treat others with kindness, respect, and love. I have learned that genuinely kind people have learned how to turn their storms and ugly life experiences into stories of hope for others. They have learned to love others wherever they are at in life. The perpetually hateful people, on the other hand, seem incapable of seeing the world beyond themselves and appear to have trouble with having empathy and truly caring for others. Que the conflict between the two and the relational disasters that often take place...

I will say that the kind people that some would never expect to lose their cool can get angry too if poked at too often for too long or if they perceive that they or their family are threatened... 

bears may be cuddly and warm looking, but poke a sleeping one, and you’re asking for it. I’ve learned to not be surprised if you provoke another to anger. I’ve learned from my own experiences, if you’re going to play with fire, then be willing to face the consequences if you end up getting burned. A tough, but good lesson to learn. 

With that said, I’ve learned to start telling people when they’re going too far with me. When they’re crossing the lines. When they’re inconsiderate and when they’re just downright being hateful and rude. I don’t do this every time because I am trying to choose my battles, but I definitely have grown in this area. 

I used to think that I had to just be extremely patient when people decided to resort to screaming or yelling as a way to get a message across, but I’ve learned that letting others think that it’s OK to treat people with hatred, disrespect, and unkindness isn’t helping anyone because if they’re not doing it to you, they will move on and do it to someone else that they can take their stress and anger out on. Sometimes it is your place to call someone out, especially if they’re hurting you and others. 

Setting boundaries with certain people is necessary and that’s ok too. I’ve learned to not feel bad about choosing to protect myself and my family from negative people and influences. You can still love people but say “no” at the same time. If those people can’t respect the boundaries you have chosen to put in place, then frankly, it is their own issue to work through. 

7) Grief

Grief comes in waves and it comes hard. This summer I was hit hard in dealing with grief and loss. I really missed people that I’ve loved dearly and lost. When I broke down at work one day, I quickly found that people are actually willing to meet you where you are and relate to you with their own experiences. In the past, I’ve tried to hold it all in out of fear that people would not understand. That’s sad because then you’re not giving people the opportunity to love you and comfort you with sweet words or hugs when you might need it.

I was also reminded that everyone grieves differently. As I’ve struggled through anger at times with peoples insensitive comments, it’s taught me what not to say to others. The saying is true that you truly don’t know what someone else is going through.

       . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 

There’s definitely more that I could write, but I think this list wraps up a good amount of lessons and reminders from this summer. Hope you all have a great and productive rest of your week! 

If you ever want to chat about life, I love coffee, food, and conversation. I’m not afraid to talk about real and hard things either. (Future posts are going to get very real. I’m challenging myself with this blog.)

Kelsey Bock

[kristyocheerio]

Goodnight Moon

Annnnnd I’m back. It’s 10 minutes until midnight, which makes it almost October 1, 2017. My hope for tonight is really to vent about my recent, last and final breakup with Bobby (I can’t believe I actually started using his actual name on here,) but since it’s been such a long time, I’d like to catch my reader(s) - AKA future me - up on everything that’s happened in the past year+. 

I graduated college in December 2016. Amazing how time flies. Looking back on all of my posts about college, change and venturing into new things really makes me proud of myself. The only disappointing thing about it all is that I feel like I’ve become less and less complex and profound over time. But anyway, my last semester I began interning at News 12, and now I work there as a freelancer. The pay is good and I definitely enjoy it, but I am not quite sure that it’s my calling, so now I returned to school to obtain my Master’s in Elementary Education. Surprise Surprise. I was reading some of my old posts, and I had mentioned how I felt uncertain about whether or not I chose the right major. I think I always knew I wanted to teach, but writing is so therapeutic for me, so I think working in a news station or as a journalist was in the books for me at some point or another. 

So yeah, I work at News 12 freelancing, go to grad school, and I teach a children’s mommy-and-me gymnastics class at a place called Dreamnastics. It’s a fun job and pays well. When I first graduated, I was working at News 12, Dreamnastics, and freelancing for a local newspaper company called Blank Slate. They had even invited me into the office a few times to help out when they were short staffed. They’ve actually offered me a job a few times, but I think the pay is really just too little for the amount of work that is required. Plus, I knew that eventually I’d want to return to school. I know I’ll be a forever student.

But less about that. I’ll give a more thorough update at a later date. Right now, I want to talk about my breakup. It’s interesting how I can look back at posts that I wrote about him 2 or 3 years ago, and still feel that they would have been applicable even today if we continued dating. The thing about Bobby is that (1) I never stopped resenting him and (2) his alternative lifestyle began affecting my happiness in the relationship. There’s so much more to it, but that’s the crux of the underlying issues that were never going to go away. And let’s not forget that ever since he cheated on me in 2012 with a girl who actually went on to be a heroine addict, I had kept him a total secret from my family. That means no coming to my house, no coming to family parties and no connection on social media. It seems obvious that our relationship was destined to fail. As I write this, I am still not sure how I feel. Why is it that it took me this long to accept the end of our relationship? Even now, I am so unsure of how I feel about the whole thing. Basically, the end really came from my inability to be happy in our relationship the last few months. I felt like our relationship just wasn’t normal. HE wasn’t normal. He doesn’t have a career goal, wasn’t working anymore, and literally hung out with potheads around the clock. He doesn’t even have a savings account. PATHETIC. Again, I know it probably sounds so obvious that I should have gotten out of the relationship a long freaking time ago, but still to this day I do not know why I held on (and may even still do.) 

My former counselor at LIU used to say that she thought I clung to Bobby because he was there for me when my health wasn’t great, back when I had picc-lines. That may be so, but I don’t know if that’s still the reason. I think maybe I held on because I got so comfortable to always having someone to talk to and receive affection from. Eventually, however, that affection wasn’t enough. I felt that I was growing up and he wasn’t. At some point, people have to grow up and start thinking about the next chapter in life. I’m not saying I want to get married or have kids any time soon, but if I can’t foresee that happening with him within the next five years, then at some point the relationship becomes a waste of both our times -- which it did. And I think he finally realized that too. For the first time in the past 5 years, the official break up was actually his idea. I’m glad he suggested it though, because I know for sure that I will not be weak and reach out to him after he broke it off with me. In the past it was always so difficult to break up, because he would always beg me and make me feel so bad about it. But now that he’s clearly given up, it’s becoming much easier for me.

I don’t want this post to become a giant essay, as my posts usually do, so I’ll conclude here. I wanted to write tonight because as I laid down to go to bed, I thought about how I wanted to have a good cry. I think I’m internally overwhelmed in this limbo of post-college, emerging adulthood. Between student loans, career goals, and just the desire to love and be loved, I feel kind of alone. Not to mention, as always, I have my health looming over my head. I think what freaks me out and upsets me the most about the whole Bobby thing, is that life flashes in the blink of an eye, and soon Bobby might just become apart of my narrative... just a background character in a much bigger story... And that really makes me uncomfortable. And this feeling would really probably come from losing anyone that once played a major role in my life. I don’t like the idea of just letting complete go of someone, passing through life, and then one day hearing about them in some context that is completely outside of my own. I literally loved Bobby so much, enough to hold on to him for nearly a decade, and just like that I’m going to move on, potentially find someone new, maybe get married, have kids.... and BAM. Suddenly I’ll be 85 years old - if I make it that far - and Bobby will have zero relevance in my life. That, to me, is so so sad... I don’t even know if I love him anymore. It’s so bizarre. How could such intense feelings disappear just like that? 

[canaryatlaw]

So all in all, today was pretty good in a bunch of random little ways, which is cool. Alarm went off at 9:55, took the train to school. I sat next to the cutest baby on the train and he was looking at me the whole time just totally enthralled and it was so very cute so of course I was making faces at him for like half the train ride, haha. Got to school right on time for my 11:30 meeting with my field placement advisor, same one from last semester and my former LARC professor. Of course she's the perfect person for the job because she used to work in the office I work in and knows half the people that are there because of it, lol. We have to do the 3 meetings a semester as required, but at this point we've really talked through most of it so she was just asking me about what tasks they've been giving me and if I had any interesting cases, so I told her about the one I saw yesterday about the girl's whose arm was broken in four places from a "restraint" and of course she was horrified by the prospect and said it would probably be referred to special litigation for a suit against the residential facility, so that made me feel somewhat better about it. But yeah, it was a pleasant little meeting. After that I headed down to the PAD office to hang out and eat some lunch. My plan for this time was to bang out the rest of my LARC assignment, which I figured could take a while. I was debating with myself last night if I should wear or bring gym friendly clothes because Wednesday afternoons is one of my now designated "gym times," but I knew this was gonna take a while and then I had a haircut so I opted against it, but surprisingly the LARC assignment didn't take as long as I thought, pretty much just because I ran up against the word limit pretty quickly, and that's that. I know what I wrote is, objectively, good convincing legal writing, but I don't know if it follows the "formula" we're supposed to use for LARC which irritates me. I would probably put more work into it if it were actually be graded and not just a grade for handing it in, but even so it's not like I slacked off on it, I did put a solid amount of work in, so that's good. I was kind of annoyed I didn't have my gym clothes at that point, but in reality there was other stuff I needed to get done so it was probably good that I had a chance to do that. One of those things was getting the application done for the nonprofit in NYC I would like to intern at over the summer, which was interesting. They just wanted a cover letter, resume, unofficial transcript and writing sample, pretty basic, so I start writing my cover letter and I have to laugh because last year I was like struggling about what to put in a cover letter on applications, but now I literally have so much to say and talk about it was probably the longest cover letter in existence (it was almost the whole page) but I just had a lot to say and I think it was all good things to include. I just had to do the final touches on my resume, like update my GPA and changing my class rank from top 15% to top 10% (which, I have to say, was immensely gratifying). Unofficial transcript I can just get off online, so that's easy enough, so that just leaves the writing sample. They didn't give any parameters about length or anything on it, so I texted my dad and asked him if I should use one of my academic things I've written for LARC or if I should use the school memo I wrote over break, and he was like oh definitely the school memo so of course I went with that. It's like, 4 pages long, which is probably a bit long for a writing sample but I think it's all good. Of course since I was sharing it with a third party I was obligated to change the personal information, so I changed the name of the school to "Anchorage Christian School" because I figured Alaska would give them enough distance 😂 so that was good. It was just a debate between if they wanted like real world application versus the formulaic LARC stuff, and I think they would side on real world, so hopefully that'll work. It felt good to get all of that handled and turned in, since it's been in the back of my head as something I need to do for a while now. As I was getting ready to leave for my haircut, the PAD president came in and asked me if anyone has talked to me about the PAD mock trial team. One of the board members who's on the team sent out an email a few days ago basically as an SOS call that one of their members got injured and wouldn't be able to compete next month, so they needed an emergency replacement. Upon reading it I kind of had a feeling it was going to end up on my doorstep, just because of the experience I have and such, but I didn't do anything about it immediately because they practiced Tuesdays and Saturdays and I have class on Tuesdays, and that's generally a deal breaker, but it still managed to get back to me haha. The PAD president was apparently talking me up to them (he's on the school team) so I sent a tentative email saying I could maybe do it but couldn't do Tuesday practices, and then left for my haircut. As I was going down the stairs to the subway entrance there was a girl coming up and she's like "uh, you may not want to go down there, there's some guys fighting and it's not looking good" and sure enough I just hear two guys shouting at each other and random slamming into random things and such and I was like haha fuck no so I walked to the other end of the block to get in at that entrance cuz I ain't dealing with that shit. Sigh, Chicago. While on the train I got a phone call from last year's PAD president who's now one of their mock trial coaches, but since I was on the train I let it go to voicemail to deal with later. Got to ulta and saw my stylist, who immediately let spill that one of the girls in my class that she knows is pregnant, which I definitely didn't know haha but I'm sure I would find out soon enough. So that was interesting. But yeah, for the rest of it we just did our normal discussions, and we always have really good and satisfying discussions about things that I definitely enjoy. I had her do the same short cut I got in October when I was there last and then just got caught up with shit and let my hair get obscenely long and was driving me nuts so here I was again lol. Towards the end she was telling me that her cousin, who was a freshman in college, had attempted suicide a week before thanksgiving, and then had just attempted again two days ago, which is of course a very sad and difficult situation, and she wanted to hear my thoughts because she knows I'm somewhat of a mental health advocate (or at least I'd like to think I am. It's in my profile so it must be true, right?). Apparently he had been away at college, and after the first time didn't go back, but just started up again with the spring semester a few weeks ago, and he was like really insistent about going back to school which is totally understandable, the stress and the loneliness just kind of got to him, and he was saying things like "I don't want to die, I just don't know how to deal with these waves of depression." I started off by saying that no two people have the same mental health journey, and different people respond to treatment in different ways. I said he obviously needed to get into therapy that would teach him some coping skills for dealing with depressive episodes. He had been inpatient for a few days after the first one and is there again now, but I said if a longer-term inpatient program was available they might want to look into that, or at least some sort of group thing, hopefully among peers (though I imagine finding a group of teenage boys willing to participate in such a thing could definitely be a struggle). And yeah, he obviously wasn't ready to go back to school, and college can be a really big trigger for some people because it's such a life change and they just don't know how to deal with it. And of course I said try to avoid saying anything that would make him feel guilty because he's already overwhelmed with guilt, and to not treat him any different or like he's fragile, because that's not how anyone wants to be treated. She said she would tell her family what I said, so hopefully some of that could be helpful. I told her a little about my work with twloha at college and how so many have such a need for that sort of thing. He's out of school for now though, which is definitely a good move. I feel bad for his parents because I can imagine they're going through hell right now, to almost lose their son but decide to let him go back to school only for it to happen again, and now they're going to be terrified that they could pose him at any point, and I really can't imagine dealing with a child of yours being suicidal, like that has to be so so difficult for a parent, something I definitely didn't realize the extent of when I was younger, but I can see now that if I had killed myself, it would've completely destroyed and devastated my family and like....I'm just really glad I'm still here. Anyway. Left ulta and took the train back to school, heated up my food and headed to class for another session of crim pro. It's been an interesting class so far because the prof is very focused on like wanting to hear our opinions about issues in the criminal justice system and the specific questions she asks, which is cool, but like, means we don't always get into the cases and actual learning haha. Tonight we didn't actually start the cases until after the break when class was half over. She let us go at 8 though, so that was nice. Went home, and I was debating to watch Arrow or Frequency off my dvr, but I ended up being bad and staying up to watch both even though I have to be up at 7 am for work tomorrow. I watched Arrow first though, pretty much just because I was so curious to see what they were gonna do with Laurel/black siren, and it was....interesting. I didn't love it, but that's no surprise. There were some moments and some lines that were very good, but others just kind of fell flat for me. I kept getting stuck between wanting her to actually be willing to reform and become good again, but Oliver's like naive belief that he can make that happen makes me think it's not going to happen, lol, cuz he just makes it seem kind of unachievable, so I guess we'll see what happens there. I liked the Felicity not listening to Oliver just for kicks, haha, and I very much enjoyed the legal intricacies of the Diggle plot, and was quite satisfied with their conclusion there. I am definitely not a fan though of some random ass meta girl who has a sonic scream waltzing in there and just becoming the black canary because like......are you fucking kidding me? We're doing this again? Just stop, stop trying to replace Laurel and either do her justice or move on. You're just forcing comparison now, and there's a very slim chance you're going to beat your original work with Laurel. Like, just LET IT GO already. I do like that they kept the door open for more black siren, and I hope they take advantage of that because I want to see Katie Cassidy on my screen as much as possible. After that I went straight to Frequency, which of course was the season finale, and I was pretty happy with it! I knew they would have to pull something out after last week's conclusion, and I think they did an excellent job setting it up that everyone reasonably thought the deacon was the nightingale, but then were able to pull the rug out at the last minute in a way that's still actually entirely plausible, so I applaud them for not jumping the shark there. I was very entertained by the flipping back and forth and the world changing in the middle of a conversation so that you can't be talking to your mom about her patient because she just died but 20 years ago that is still playing out right now. Like, it's just so good. I felt bad for all the people that kind of became casualties, like Megan and Gordo's dad (poor Gordo, I know he didn't like his dad but no child deserves to have their father shot in front of them). And I knew her talking through the radio when the guy was there was gonna lead to him smashing it, lol, that was pretty predictable. The ending though, when she comes out of the garage and the house isn't lit up, holy shit I was ready to murder someone if they left us on a cliffhanger or just straight up killed her mom, because that would've been all kinds of awful and I really hate when shows legit don't wrap up a story just for the sake of having a cliffhanger. So I was happy to see the conclusion to that. They left it in a good place too that the story is finished, but they still left in the possibility for a second season (I don't think it's been renewed yet?) so I was glad to see that. And yeah, that was my day and I've officially rambled on for way too long here so I'm gonna end it now. Goodnight babes. Sleep well.

[fashiontrendin-blog]

I Asked 19 People Whether “Going on a Break” Ended in a Breakup

http://fashion-trendin.com/i-asked-19-people-whether-going-on-a-break-ended-in-a-breakup/

I Asked 19 People Whether “Going on a Break” Ended in a Breakup

My relationship with relationship “breaks” has been varied, passionate and overall ironic. I myself have never gone on an official break — I used to “not believe in them” — but I’ve been through breakups that lasted a day, a week, a year, before we reversed them: a break in practice if not in name. And nearly every time I’ve ended a relationship, I’ve used the consoling idea that we might have a future as a means to get through it, and every time, I believe it up until I no longer need to. I’m a gullible and fickle creature when it comes to love, capable of lying to myself over and over again. I have evidence in the form of 28 years of pop culture consumption and late-night talks with friends to believe we all have a little bit of love blindness in us. I think it’s part of the deal.

Going on a break is a divisive solution for a relationship rough patch. Some believe it’s just a fearful pitstop on the way to a breakup; others believe it can be a healthy and necessary means to see the relationship from a distance. Still others believe it’s a copout, a bad sign, an escape in sheep’s clothing. The beauty of the break, though, is it’s temporary by definition, which means its success or failure is imminent and at least somewhat objective. Relationship-break hindsight, in that sense, is rife with realizations. In order to mine that wisdom, I asked a bunch of people who went on a break about how theirs turned out. After you read through what they told me, meet me in the comments to further theorize on the efficacy of “the break.”

“About two years into our relationship, [we took a break]. We didn’t want to lose each other, but things weren’t working. The break lasted about a month. Skip ahead to two more years and we are no longer together. I am happy we did the ‘break’ thing in the past because I am currently not questioning if the relationship would be better now if it was revived. Already tried it and it was clear! The split was also much more amicable and loving than I ever could’ve expected. True ‘conscious uncoupling,’ Gwyneth-style.”

Ivy, 26

“Currently [on a break]! He is 18 years older than me and I felt as though I had some boxes left unchecked that I wanted to explore. Still love him and see him, but the pressure and anxiety of being in a relationship has been removed. Boundary-drawing has been difficult, but we are learning and I love having him in my corner without all of the added daily pressures of being in a full-on relationship.”

Steph, 23

“First semester of my freshman year I put my boyfriend on a break because we were heading towards becoming open and I was restless. I was also interested in someone else and overall feeling trapped. I put us on a break for three weeks — no talking. After three weeks, I went home and we broke up in a cafe. We both kinda knew it would happen at that point. After four months though, I missed him a lot. He called me and we spent a couple weeks talking and then got back together on V-day. Now we’re open. Neither of us regrets that break; it hurt a lot, but it was needed for us to grow individually. The break made us realize how much we meant to each other.”

Helena, 19

“We went for 2 weeks with just texting but no seeing each other. I ended up cheating on him during that time (but we never really defined clear boundaries, so I’m not sure it totally counts?) and we broke up about two weeks after the break was done. He never found out about the cheating. I thought it would have been nice to get some clarity, but I was just postponing the ultimate outcome.”

Martha, 24

“I was dating a guy in the military. We met in college and, after his first deployment, we talked about what our next steps were after being together for six years — was I going to “stick it out?” We decided we both needed the space to think through it. A few months in, he found out they were moving him overseas for a year, so we got back together and got engaged. He moved overseas and that was the unintentional break we actually needed. Enough so that we decided to call it off. He’s since married someone else, but I am so thankful for all that ‘time and space.’ I had started to live in his world, completely losing myself.”

Maria, 29

“My current boyfriend and I met when he was a married professor and I was his student in a college course. We commenced a relationship with the naive belief that we could avoid catching feelings. After a long affair with me, he found out his wife was also having an affair. They ended up getting a divorce and he needed to be single. I was devastated and felt deeply betrayed considering everything we had been through. We were broken up for a year, dated other people (I hated every minute of it) and eventually got back together. It’s been six years and we are going strong. It’s a long and twisted (and slightly unsavory) tale, but the bottom line is that because of our year apart, we realized that there was no one else better suited for either of us and we have never doubted since!”

Maria, 39

“My (now) husband and I went on a break for about four months a few years ago. At that point, we had been together for six years and he was living in California and I was living on the east coast, and long distance and all the anxiety surrounding it had really worn us both out. It sucked and we ultimately ended up getting back together after a lot of back-and-forth and a lot of sadness. About two months or so after we got back together, he moved back to the east coast to be with me and within a year we were engaged. I hated being on a break and when we got together I definitely didn’t take our relationship for granted nearly as much as I had before. However, it was really good for us in that we both got to experience what life was like without the other person being on the end of the phone and to sleep with and flirt with other people. I felt more comfortable getting married knowing that we had had that really intense time apart.”

Julia, 31

“My boyfriend and I went on a break after being together for 18 months. I could tell he wasn’t into it as much — he put out less effort, etc. I suggested we try something more casual and do a break. We kept talking for a few months and then he sort of fell off. We talked less and less and less. Then he got in a relationship with someone else on Facebook and I was surprised to find out we weren’t together anymore! He’s still with her but still calls and texts me drunk five years later…fun!”

Aleandra, 26

“[Went on a break] for maybe a month or two, on and off. It was confusing. We kept seeing each other and sleeping together because we still really liked each other and it was hard to keep away from one another. I remember telling him I would sleep over and have sex with him, but I wouldn’t kiss him on the lips, like that was an important line for me to draw for some reason. We ended up breaking up for real eventually, with no communication whatsoever. After three months of that ‘real breakup,’ we got back together (slowly, while talking through all our issues) and have been together ever since. That was three years ago.”

Emma, 24

“We had been dating for just over a year when we went on a break for three weeks. Rules were: no talking or texting, dates with other people [were allowed] but no kissing other people, and we even split up what days we could go to our acro yoga class. We didn’t have a shared dog, so I guess our class was our big shared item. Absolute overkill. It was torture, on my end. I just couldn’t stop thinking about our relationship and him. Thank goodness for girlfriends listening to me hash it out over and over again. We did get back together and dated for another two months before it ultimately ended. Did it help us with some of our problems? Yes. Did it fix the fact that our relationship was never going to end in commitment for life? No. I’m glad I gave that relationship everything I had, but I’d never do a break again. The break nearly broke me. Or at the very least, nearly broke anyone having to listen to me talk about it for three weeks straight.”

Jessica, 30

“I never thought I’d be ‘that girl’ who goes on a break with her significant other. It’s common knowledge that going on a break is just pregaming your breakup. But love can make you do weird things, hence why I put my long-term relationship on hold for ‘about a week’ only to break up with him three days later. I also never thought I’d be the girl who dumps her boyfriend and gets back together with him a month later, but here I am. Love is weird. Who cares if you’re ‘that girl?’”

Timarie, 19

“I went on a break with my boyfriend of three years because I was feeling discontent with the roles we had fallen into and realized I had completely stopped working on myself and wanted to make some more time for that. He seemed to agree at the time — when I said it face to face — but a day later he was already asking if I would to get dinner. I wanted to text a little less, but it was hard to orchestrate that when he kept texting me and I felt obliged to reply so as not to upset him. We then had a wedding coming up that had been planned [to attend] for a long time and we agreed we would go to it together. We slipped straight back into being a couple again without me really feeling like I had made the active decision that I wanted the relationship to carry on. So the break lasted around two weeks and now I’m in the awkward position of needing to bring up the same thing all over again because my feelings haven’t changed…”

Emily, 23

“I once went on a break with my boyfriend who was also long distance. After the first day, we never spoke again. He lived in Tennessee and I’m in Connecticut, so it was bound to flop anyway.”

Will, 19

“My ex-boyfriend begged and begged that we go on a break nearly a year into our relationship. He claimed he needed time to ‘figure out how to love me better’ (?!). He had lots of rules planned out about how often we would communicate. ‘We’ll write each other letters!’ he claimed. ‘That way we (read: he) can properly spell out how we’re feeling.’ I knew how I felt. I knew that I loved him, but it was apparent to me that he didn’t feel the same. Reluctantly, I agreed to said break. I also held up my end of the deal by writing and following the laid out rules he made up. I never heard from him. A ‘break’ was his way of just breaking it off without having the guts to say what he was feeling.”

Jade, 24

“My boyfriend and I went ‘on a break’ when we both moved to New York after college. It was my idea and he wasn’t into it at first, but I wanted us to separately get our bearings in a new city, instead of growing into a new life being dependent on each other for support. Eventually, it helped us both realize that we didn’t need to be in a relationship at all. We had a very amicable, mutual breakup at the end of the ‘break’ and we’re still friends!”

Zoe, 24

“We were both in school, end of the semester, prepping for our respective internships. I was moving to New York, he was staying local. Before I left, we said we were fine with each of us seeing other people. With our agreement, I went ahead and started to see someone new. He couldn’t deal with it and blew up on me. Cold shoulder for months. We are on fine terms now, but we never got back together after our ‘break.’”

Bridget, 21

“Last year my ex suggested the day before my birthday that we go on a break for a week (still convinced it’s because he didn’t get me a gift). After a week, I texted him and said, ‘I’m happy the way things are.’ Took a year to get over it and I’m so happy it happened.”

Colleen, 22

“I went on a break with a guy where we didn’t talk for a bit and he ended up moving to Ohio and not telling me. The only reason I found out was through his Snapchat story!”

Mallory, 19

“We went on a break for six months because I wanted to go live in Italy and he wanted me to be free and not worry about him. So I did just that. When I got back, he essentially ghosted me (we were going on 2.5 years) and so I dumped him. We got back together (by his request) and then broke up again six months later. Pretty sure I broke his heart by showing him I wanted to be my own person despite being with him and was able to do that happily.”

Emily, 22

Photo by Arthur Elgort/Conde Nast/Contour via Getty Images.

[canaryatlaw]

Today was okay-ish. Not great really. I'm still just in a weird space, mentally. Still can't get my mind to stop racing. I did call my psychiatrist today but he wasn't in that office today, but they took a message and said they'd have him call me, and asked if I needed to be today, so I said I mean it's okay if it's tomorrow but today would be preferable. I didn't get a call back today. Sigh. And it's just that much more difficult now that I'm working 9-5 because when am I supposed to do things like call my psychiatrist or anyone else that is only open 9-5? When am I supposed to go to the doctor ffs? I have one appointment scheduled for late June at 8 am. I'm sure that's gonna go over well with my brain. Sigh. Now I'm getting worked up over this which is the last thing I wanted to do. I think I'm gonna go up to 4 mg of Xanax a day though. It's still within the threshold he said I could try to figure out. I just want to talk to him about it because this guy knows my brain better than probably even me and when something that used to work is no longer working it's not a good sign. I should move on now though. Alarm went off at 7 and I successfully convinced myself to get out of bed by 7:01. Got ready, poured my cocoa krispies and then looked at my milk and it had apparently curdled when the refrigerator does was stuck open for some reason when I got home yesterday. Great. At least I figured it out before I poured it onto my cereal. So I hurried around grabbing some oatmeal (one of the disposable cups) and some cinnamon toast eggos. Made the bus so that's good. I got to the office and went to go see my supervisor but she wasn't in her office, so I just went back to mine and started working on the stuff she gave me yesterday. Not that long after she showed up at my office and said she was gonna be taking a personal half day but would make sure I had enough work, and that she'd probably be going down to court at 10:30 if I wanted to join her so I said sure. Kept working until then, then went down to court and absolutely nothing interesting happened when I was hit by another one of my wow you're going to close your eyes every 3 seconds now and be incapable of keeping them open spells that I've been getting lately when I'm sitting still and focusing on one thing, and at some point after that started my supervisor came over and said it looked like all the cases were just getting dates so it wasn't gonna be interesting if I wanted to go back upstairs. I'm not sure if she saw that I was visibly falling asleep or not, lol, but I took the out. It was a little past 11 at this point and I think then was when I called my psychiatrist. Then I didn't really have any work to do so I closed my door and set my alarm for noon and took a nap. I woke up at like 11:45 so I was probably only "out" for like 30 minutes, which I figured I'll just work through my lunch to make up for so it'll be fine. I mean, power naps are a thing right? And as long as I get the work done it's not like anyone cares, so....not a big deal lol. So I then opened my office door and started conversing with the two ladies who have the offices across and next to mine. The offices are kind of set up mostly in these 3 pod systems, and this is the first time I'm actually in a full 3 pod, since first semester the office next to mine was empty and last semester I was just kind of off in a corner. So we talked as we worked and that was cool. One of the ladies gave me some DCP packets to do, which they seem to think is like the worst thing ever and kept apologizing for giving me such a boring assignment and I'm like.....dude, I spent an entire semester doing this basically. This is child's play lol bring on the packets I can do them all. So I did all 4 then reported back to her and expressed my concern about the investigation into the last one that was somewhat lacking (whenever an allegation gets unfounded on the grounds that "it's the kids word versus the foster parents word so I'm gonna believe the foster parent" the kill bill sirens start going off in my head). So that was good. She then asked if I wanted to do some trial prep for a TPR, so I spent the rest of the afternoon sorting through a rather large file to write up a timeline of services that mom and dads 1&2 did or did not do (no polygamy, just two different dads for two kids). It wasn't terribly thrilling but it was fine. I left right around 5 to catch the 5:13 train, which I'm gonna have to start leaving a little bit earlier for because the last two times it's been a few minutes early and I've barely made it (it's typical for me to get in anywhere between 8:50 and 9, so I figure 5 minutes here or there evens itself out). Trip home was fine, quickly threw some dinner together and tuned into the flash, most of my excitement stemming from knowing that watching this week's episode meant getting to next week's episode when my bby Len is coming back haha so more of a means to an end than anything else, but I actually really liked the episode! I definitely like, snorted when they showed that in wiping Barry's memories they screwed over Savitar too and now killer frost was like welp, gotta help them fix it lol. The scene with her and Cisco though, like stop it broke my heart so much <\3 like JUST LET CAITLIN BE HAPPY DAMMIT IT ISNT THAT HARD UGHHHH so that made me sad. The main part with Barry was pretty comical, him and Iris were adorable together even with the inevitable this isn't their reality looming over their heads. And they managed to get the probable cause hearing fairly by the book, so I didn't get too pissy over that (I mean, there's no way that would be the only possible way to keep the guy in custody and he would HAVE to be released otherwise, so that part was totally unrealistic, but I realize that was just a necessary plot point). But overall I really liked the episode and then of course the first shot of the preview had me flipping a shit immediately because LEN IS STANDING IN FRONT OF THE WAVERIDER and we already know he was wearing oculus clothing in other shots on the sizzle reel and ugh.......I really don't want to get my hopes up but I can't help it, they're already sky high. I really wouldn't be surprised if it's another fake out, though I would probably be the angriest I've been with them at this point. I guess we'll see where that goes. It took me about 6 minutes to remember that prison break comes on right after the flash (and by remember I mean going to the my shows list to watch B99 and see oh shit it's recording) but I caught up to live pretty quickly. I felt pretty distracted during this week's episode, probably just due to weird mental head space again. But I'm glad they're making progress and then they were like 3 episodes left!!! and I was like what????????? This is way too short lol. But I'm very much looking forward to that teased Michael/Sara reunion for next week because I know it's gonna be epic. Lol, at the end of the episode they're like "Michaels dying!" and I was like lol, when is Michael Scofield not dying? Also, at this point I'm just convinced Michael doesn't know how to give up on anything so he just keeps trying crazier and crazier ideas until one of them inevitably and inexplicably works. But I am enjoying that. So after that, I did watch Brooklyn 99. I may be totally wrong on this, but I could've sworn B99 used to be a half hour show??? I'm probably just wrong but I definitely thought that. This episode at least seemed very distinctly split into two parts, both of which were pretty great. The Rochester partying was hilarious of course as was them recreating what happened. Then there was the whole Amy/Jake storyline with her taking the sergeants exam that led to that super sweet scene of him just being like this is your dream and it's been your dream before we started going out, I've always known you were gonna be my boss anyway and it was really adorable (and then he went all die hard and it was really funny). And yeah, that pretty much capped my tv for the night. I got into a Twitter DM convo with one of the DCTV podcast hosts (I'm being intentionally vague here) regarding the appearance of the waverider in the trailer and they weren't happy about it and was just kind of ranting at legends and normally we just have stupid and amusing conversations about our shows so it got kind of awkward for a minute there but we both calmed down and were like okay it's fine people have opinions lol. And plus they have an entire podcast to rant to about their opinions, so the need to do it to me personally isn't really there. We're fine though, I like them and I enjoy talking to them. And that was pretty much my day. Tomorrow is Wednesday and my third day at "work" for summer. Did I mention I'm the only law clerk in the office right now? My name looks so lonely on the sign in sheet, lol. Most people are still in finals, I just finished really early and wanted to make sure I made it back in time for the child death case to be up so here I am. I'm probably the only law clerk in the building at this point 😂 but yeah, as far as I know I'll finally be going iron the field (maybe I should pack a change of clothes? We didn't discuss this) or maybe she's coming to the courthouse but I'll be interviewing a 5 year old girl who was removed from her mother's care about 2 weeks ago after reports of physical abuse and that mom was a heroin addict with visible track marks on her arm, and she was always referring to her daughter as "that little bitch" and like throwing her around, and also they were living in like complete desolation, like there were holes in the floor and no heat (and this is Chicago and even though ITS FUCKING MAY it's still been freezing) and many other such examples and yeah, it wasn't good. The DCP investigator seemed to think the girl appeared as a normal happy, healthy 5 year old so that's encouraging. I guess we'll see how that goes. Okay, time for bed now. Goodnight punks. Stay awesome.