#anyway. maybe my brain will come back online soon who knows

[soupbtch]

.

[running-in-the-dark]

can't sleep (despite new meds + melatonin, boo), so I'm thinking about random shit. like: it's insane to me that I'm totally fine living on the ground floor now. it used to really freak me out. I hated being downstairs when we lived in a house. I always felt watched when I had my room on the ground floor. and every time I visited my dad at his ground floor apartment - where I was on my own except for maybe an hour a day - I had what I now know were panic attacks several times a day. so like, that's pretty crazy.

[princeoftheeternalbog]

OP characters reacting to you kissing them and running away (here's part 2) established relationship ish. Feel free to ask for other characters.

ALSO I've definitely seen another creator who did this idea with op characters but I can't remember who so if someone could tell me I would really love to credit them :(. I tried to make mine different but still it's the principal of it.

Slightly suggestive in some parts so mdni.

Luffy

Thinks its a new game like tag but with kisses and it ends up actually becoming one. You'll both wait for the other to become distracted and then you'll strike, planting a kiss and sprinting off around the ship or the island you're docked at. It's not hard to chase after each other because the trails of laughter are so easy to follow and it always ends up with one of you on the floor from a tackle or something similar.

Zoro

Gobsmacked. Genuinely his jaw drops especially if there's other people there and you get away so easily only because of how long it takes his brain to boot back online. Oh but he doesn't let it go. He waits until you're in a similar situation, either talking to someone or doing work and he sneaks up to pull you into a deep, intense kiss that leaves your knees weak. Like he fully puts the moves on you, hand on your lower back, other hand cradling your jaw, hes literally licking into your mouth and then he just disappears for the rest of the day. Asshole.

Sanji

You are not running away from this man. Not in a scary way but he can't do just one short kiss, as soon as you're leaning in his hands settle firm on your hips and that grip is not something you can wiggle out of. You can try to run away but he just laughs at you and pulls you closer to him, ofc he would let go if you actually wanted him to but he knows what you're trying to pull. Says something like "Oh? Trying to run darlin? How sweet." swoon- Just don't even bother, he will always try to win if your affection is involved.

Nami

Honestly thinks nothing of it. A lot of your affection is sweet but quick because yk pirate life. But if you look disappointed from her lack of reaction then she catches on quickly and starts playing along. So sweet even though she can be scary. Oh but don't try to run if she's initiating, like Sanji you aren't going to get out of her grip. If she wants to shower you with affection, she is going to thank you very much. If you do manage to slip away she's surprisingly quick and surprisingly stealthy. Like you'll think you got away and you walk into a room and she drops down from the ceiling like fucking batman.

(maybe not that dramatic but shes good)

Robin

She lets you run away but only because she knows she could summon a mouth to kiss you at any time and in any place so she's content knowing she always wins. Also thinks it's really cute when you try to rile her up like this, she just finds it so endearing and usually ends up playing into it anyways- "My, my, aren't you getting so bold my love". Sometimes will purposefully trip you up while you're doing these antics so you can't get away or so your plan is ruined, absolutely pretends she has no idea what you're talking about.

Usopp

Highly likely he was doing something when it happened. Highly likely he dropped something onto his foot as a result. Yowls like an injured cat and then when his brain catches up it's like steam comes out of his ears. Stands there with his mouth open and pointing at you like you betrayed his entire family. Very funny and very cute. Also a possibility of him smacking you out of fearful instinct in which case he'd probably cry his eyes out and beg for forgiveness. Nami makes it worse by punching him in the face for hitting you. A mess all around if you get him at the wrong time so just be careful.

Ace

Immediately sprinting after you, it's actually a bit scary. But like hey he's not letting you get away with just one measly little peck on the cheek. Absolutely nobody on the crew helps you unless it would be funny, i.e. someone tripping Ace up so he faceplants. If it's near the beginning of your relationship then you likely go back out of concern which he takes as a chance to catch you, but if it's later then you already know this man's antics and you know he wouldn't be injured just from tripping so you use it as an opportunity to get away💪. You still have to kiss it better later though when hes whining to you about how cruel you are for leaving him in the dust(he would do the same).

Izou

Don't bother. As soon as you turn he snatches you by the back of your collar and pulls you onto his lap, proceeds to resume his conversation like nothing is wrong but his arms are firm around your waist and his cheeks and ears are a particularly pretty shade of red. Once his conversation is over and the other person has left, he turns his attention to you with a very pointed look. He's not actually irritated but if he enjoys watching you squirm that's his business. "If you wanted a kiss you should've just asked my love" and then he's practically devouring your mouth. Doesn't care about the other people in the vicinity. Doesn't care that he's smudging his lipstick. Just wants to fluster you more than you flustered him.

Marco

Do you even want to run away from this man lets be real- anyways.

If he's doing work then he just laughs and lets you get away with it, tallys it in his head for later, but if he's free and hes in a good mood then he absolutely plays into it. Will chase after you. Will cheat by using his powers. Its a bit scary but also very attractive, somehow ends with him pinning you in some way (☺️), looks very smug when he wins. Like you'll end up flat on your back, legs trapped under his and his hands restraining yours and he's just grinning- "Oh what a surprise. You were so easy to catch-yoi" Yeah yeah shut up. Absolutely asks what his reward is just to see your shocked face (absolutely asks again later when you two are alone).

Sabo

VILLAIN!!!!!! Sorry only way i can describe how devious and obsessed this man would be. Like Izou he tries to snatch you immediately but you planned for this so you manage to spring out of his grip in time. You falter a bit at his reaction then because he just blinks at you for a while. You start to feel a bit nervous and when he finally grins at you, you definitely feel nervous. "Playing like that are we honey? How about I give you a headstart then?" Evil. You know he's going to catch you. He knows he's going to catch you. He's just giving you false hope but yk hope is hope so you take the chance.

You don't get far. It's not even fair how quickly he catches up to you and gets you underneath him, it takes him barely any effort, not even a strand of hair is out of place. Spends the next 10 minutes kissing you on the floor of the hallway until Koala comes back and promptly drags him back into his office.

[its-time-to-write]

Can you write a Jamie Tartt request where he and the reader are in the "between lovers and friends stage" and they finally get together when he has her sleepover at his place after finding out her ex was loitering by her apartment?

I’m alive (mostly!) and I’m starting to go through the asks in my inbox again! Sorry to all y’all who have been waiting. I love you!😇😍

p.s. I’ve been obsessed with the song “Margaret” by LDR, which is where the title comes from

(oh also I barely responded to this prompt so that I could write this dumb fic that’s been on my brain forever. so. apologies for that too)

maybe tomorrow you’ll know

It goes like this: boy meets girl, they go to the same primary school, girl kicks around football with boy and sneaks into his room to hug him when his dad’s a prick, boy moves away to become a Premier League footballer and girl cries her heart out because they’re best friends.

Fucking typical.

And yet, he still picks up every phone call. Still answers every text you send. He’ll never say the word “love,” especially not when he’s with Keeley Jones and their faces are all over tabloids and instagram. But you’ll feel it in the way he’s a prick to everyone but you. It’s in the way his voice goes soft when you call him at 2am crying about being dumped by your first boyfriend.

He doesn’t visit, doesn’t phone his mum, but he’ll send you a quick voice message when he can. Usually not saying much, just a snip about training. First it’s all about Pep and the lads at Man City, then it’s about some gaffer named Cartrick and the fact that he’s teammates with Roy fucking Kent.

Jamie never tells you that Roy absolutely fucking hates him, but you know anyway.

Jamie also doesn’t call you when Keeley breaks up with him. In fact, you don’t even find out about it until pictures of Roy and Keeley surface online. You call him as soon as you can, and in typical Jamie fashion, he picks up on the second ring. 

You don’t ask him about Keeley, just let him talk about football and the new manager from America, and the fact that maybe Richmond isn’t so bad and maybe he can let his armor down just a little bit.

He’s sent back to Manchester the next day.

The bonds of childhood friendship run strong, because he’s on your doorstep in no time at all, and though it’s been years since you’ve seen him in person, there’s a part of you that feels like he never left. 

It never goes beyond friendship with you two. You don’t allow yourself to consider him in any other light because this friendship is special and important and neither of you will let anything ruin it.

It’s so strange sometimes to see him on tv or in an interview, eyes sharp and mouth full of barbs. Always on the offensive, always cutting others down before they have a chance to do the same to him. You have a hard time believing it’s the same boy who’s on your couch staring at the ceiling as he fiddles with the hem of his sweatshirt.

He’s never spoken that way to you, and you have a hard time believing he ever will.

So you feed him and make him smile and go to as many matches as you can (he leaves tickets on your kitchen table so you won’t protest) and give him a house key so he can come and go as he pleases.

But then he’s gone again, it’s the off-season and he’s on some tv show and you’re watching him flirt and seduce and pull at people’s heartstrings like they’re marionettes, and you realize (perhaps for the first time) how deep the damage has gone.

He gets absolutely shredded online, called all sorts of names by fans of the show and football alike, and you wonder if you’re the only one who can see what’s happening. That it’s all a show and that person, that Jamie Tartt on the screen is not the Jamie Tartt who used to throw pebbles at your window to come see if you wanted to ride bikes together.

It’s different than when he went to the Premier League. He doesn’t answer your texts.

It’s fine though, because your life doesn’t revolve around him. You have other, real friends and a boyfriend and a nice little flat and a good job. So he can go do what he wants and when he needs someone to pick up the pieces, you’ll go because you understand that sometimes this friendship is a one-way street. 

You miss him, though.

You don’t watch his season of Lust Conquers All until your boyfriend calls you and says, “Hey, it’s been fun, but I’m just not feeling it anymore, thanks for understanding,” and then you binge every episode right up to the current one. 

So now you don’t have a boyfriend. You’re glad it hadn’t gone too far, but his words still stung. But you drown your feelings in ice cream and shitty tv and it’s alright because another episode airs in an hour, so you can see more of Jamie and hope he’s doing okay.

He’s not. He gets voted off and you think that’s stupid but also maybe a little bit good.

—

Jamie just thinks it’s stupid. He’s kicked off his only lifeline, and then Man City flat-out refuses to take him back and he has to find out on live television for fuck’s sake. And then he has the brilliant idea to ask Ted Lasso to come back, because of course Ted will take him, what with his yeehaw can-do bullshit. Except Ted tells him no, and now he has nothing.

He’s cut out every friend, every family member and is resigned to life as a has-been before he’s even twenty-five years old.

Now, he’s at home with the blinds pulled. He’s not even sure what time it is anymore because it’s all meaningless, innit? So when there’s a knock at the door, he has to blink a couple times from his place on the couch before turning off FIFA and going to see who it could possibly be.

He hopes it’s you, even though he knows there’s no way. Not after he ghosted you for months. He ignores the uncomfortable flip-flop in his stomach at the thought of seeing you, and the way his heart beats a little faster when he thinks of holding you. 

He won’t cross that line. Your friendship (if it still exists) is too important. 

So he opens the door, ready to see who the fuck is bothering him. 

It’s Ted.

Ted asks, “Can I come in?” but he’s obviously not going to accept no as an answer, so Jamie steps back to let him inside.

Ted’s just standing awkwardly in Jamie’s kitchen, not even pretending that he isn’t shocked by Jamie’s decor. 

Jamie isn’t going to defend his choices to Ted of all people. Nor is he going to do anything to lessen his awkwardness. Finally, Ted clears his throat and says, “Well Jamie, it seems we need to revisit our last conversation.”

Jamie stares at him, refusing to speak until he’s sure what Ted is saying, so Ted continues. 

“I think I was a little bit too hasty when I said you couldn’t come back to Richmond. I’ve been giving it some thought, and we’d love to have you back.”

Jamie looks at Ted, all rumpled in his sweatshirt and shorts, hair as undone as it’s ever been, and is supremely unsure of what he’s supposed to say. 

Yeah, I’ll come back to Richmond. 

Fuck off, you’re too late.

He’s saved from saying something stupid by the sound of the front door rattling as someone punches in the code. 

“You expectin’ someone?” Ted asks. 

Jamie shakes his head, equally puzzled. “No one has the code, except-”

The door is shoved open and you burst through in a flurry of motion. You call, “Jamie?” but you can already see him in the kitchen so you make a beeline to his location and launch yourself into his arms. 

He’s solid as always, smelling like day-old Lynx. His arms are tight wrapped around you, body warm as you press your cheek against his. 

He sets you down after a moment, and brushes away a stray strand of hair from your face. 

“What’re you doing here?” he asks softly, still not quite letting you go. Ted notes that this is a new tone for Jamie. Or at least, the Jamie he’s interacted with. It’s not a performance, not something designed to make people love or hate him, it’s what Ted suspects is the most authentic version of Jamie. Whoever you are, you must be important. 

“Wanted to make sure you were ok. I saw your interview.”

Jamie makes a face. “Fuck’s sake, has everyone seen that shit?”

You shrug. “Hard to miss it. Your mum sent it to me. She’s kind of why I’m here, actually.”

“You know Jamie’s mom?” Ted asks, surprised. It’s only then that you notice he’s in the room. Your face heats up because you wouldn’t have been that grabby with Jamie had you known he weren’t alone.

“Hi, I’m Ted,” he says reaching out to shake your hand, “Seems to me like you know this one from a while back.”

“Uh, yeah,” you reply. “Which is why I figured something was wrong when he ghosted me for fucking ever.”

Jamie winces and Ted takes his cue. 

“I’ll leave you two to catch up,” he says. He points a finger at Jamie. “You let me know what you decide, son.”

“It’s a yes, Coach,” Jamie calls as Ted heads out the door. You crane your neck in time to see Ted pump his fist in the air before the door shuts behind him. 

“So,” you say, arms crossed, “you have a big fucking excuse for not answering my calls. But you better never fucking do it again, or I’m showing back up here with Georgie and she’ll kick your ass.” 

Jamie grimaces. Sure, Georgie was never violent with him, but there’s something particularly terrifying about the way she says Jamie Tartt you have got some explaining to do, while her eyes do that thing where they flash and stare straight into his soul. 

“Right, yeah, I’m really sorry,” he says and he’s lucky that his tone backs up his words because if he had one ounce of prick in his voice, you’d make him really sorry. I mean come on, who ignores their family?

The thought passes through your mind just long enough for it to freak you out before Jamie’s tentatively reaching out to hug you again. 

You let him rest his head on your shoulder as you scratch his the back of his head. 

—

You’ve been on Jamie’s couch for the better part of two hours, talking and letting him pretend like he’s not on the verge of tears because at least he’s being open and honest for once, when he shoots up and says, “Jesus Christ, fucking Kyle.”

He turns to you, eyes wide as he asks, “Isn’t he gonna wonder where you are? Shit, and you’re with me. He’s not gonna like that shit at all.”

You shrug infinitesimally while you examine a spot on the wall. 

“We’re not together anymore,” you answer as casually as possible. 

Jamie sighs and settles back onto the couch. “Shit. Glad you finally dumped that prick.”

You glare at him. “I didn’t. He dumped me. And then I found him lurking in my fucking bushes yesterday like a total creeper.”

Jamie’s up again off the couch, this time heading for his car keys as he yells, “For fuck’s sake, love, you should’ve called me.”

“I did!” you shout back. “I did, and you didn’t pick up, did you? Anyway, it’s probably not going to be an issue anymore.”

Jamie returns to the living room, face ashen. “Shit. Fuck. Fucking shit. I’m so sorry.”

You shrug and say, “It’s not a big deal. He decided that he liked certain body parts he owned more than he liked intimidating me. 

Jamie grips his keys so hard that his knuckles turn white as he says, “Right, you’re sleeping over tonight because no one fucking treats my girl that way.”

Then he freezes. 

You’re not frozen, because a single shiver has worked its way up your spine. 

My girl.

It came out so naturally. 

And it implied ownership? But of the mutual sort? And in a way that two best friends simply did notbelong together. 

The entire house is so silent, you swear you can hear Jamie blink. Well, that is, if either of you actually moved a muscle as opposed to staring at each other across the room. 

“What-” you start, but your throat is all weird and tight, so you clear it and try again. “What did you say?”

It still comes out much lower than you anticipated and Jamie has a split second to assess your body language and make a choice. 

You’re fully angled toward him, eyes wide. You’re not giving him a look that says, shut the fuck up right now, Jamie Tartt, so he takes it as permission. 

Permission to take one step closer, then another, then another until he’s standing right next to you. He slowly sinks down on the couch next to you as his says in a low, gravely voice, “I said, ‘no one fucking treats my girl that way.’”

Ah. So this is where over a decade of friendship has gotten you. On Jamie Tartt’s couch as your lips crash against his, both wondering why you hadn’t made a move sooner. 

But it doesn’t matter, you’re here now and you’re sure you won’t waste a single second. 

[deathlygristly]

Saw this linked on my dash: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5513638/

Saw this sentence: "Important research on empathy and altruism has demonstrated that enhancing perspective taking, the capacity to see a person’s situation from his or her point of view, coupled with enhanced value being placed on the welfare of those who are unfamiliar can override bias."

And honestly it made me think of some reactions I've seen to the kdrama Queen of Tears.

The premise of the show is that a middle class guy met a chaebol (member of a family that owns a giant corporation) woman without knowing her family owned the company he worked for, and they fell in love. They got married, but it turns out marrying into a chaebol can be awful. Plus they had a miscarriage and afterwards his wife internalized everything and refused to communicate or show any emotion, so he felt extremely alone. When she ordered everything in the nursery to be thrown away without consulting him about it, he moved into the nursery as his separate bedroom.

So their relationship is in a really bad place when the show starts, her family treats him horribly, they overwork him, etc. He hates his life and he wants out, and he's trying to figure out if he can get a divorce. But then his wife is diagnosed with brain cancer and he finds out that short of a miracle, she'll die in a few months.

His first reaction to hearing this is to be happy that he'll be free soon. This made a fair few people very upset. Some people dropped the show because of it (which sucks to be them because it's awesome and it's so popular in South Korea that it's getting special episodes after it finishes) and some are doing the anti thing about it and I heard some even ship the female lead with the male character who manipulated her family and took over their company and who threatens and hurts dogs?

Anyway, I'm wondering how much of the whole "anti" mess and weird purity stuff about fiction is an inability to take the perspective of others, even fictional others. Like maybe the people who got so upset aren't able to put themselves in the shoes of someone who's been suffering for years and who finally sees a way out. And yes, of course it's a temporary feeling and he still does love his wife and the show is based on them healing their relationship and coming back together. So yeah, I don't know. Just was struck by the thought that maybe so many opinions on fiction that I find weird online come from people who can't take the perspective of others.

[editorialsonlife]

HOW IS IT APRIL ALREADY

who wants a chaotic life update coz here we go

We just submitted an offer on a house in palmy, eeeeeeeek. So moving to a whole other city an hour and a half away from where we currently live. Likely to be accepted and have been working through all the admin for mortgage approvals and selling our current home and buying new up there. We’ll be going from a 90m2 house to a 200m2 house on a larger section - it’s going to be hilarious to live somewhere so massive.

Antidepressants are the best things in the world I should have done them years ago.

Work is a wild shitshow, thanks to a prime minister who can’t accept that running a country and a company are two fundamentally different things. Consequently, work is currently calling for voluntary redundancies and then will kick off a change process in May. Will I have a job come 1 July? Who knows. Current math suggests job losses for ~1200 people across our 3500 ish back office staff so watch this space.

Thanks to antidepressants, I can’t even be stressed about this. It’s amazing!!!

Dave got a solid bonus this year, which is amazing. They did it so tough last year through all the flooding and having clients on suicide watch and everything else and they really Fkn earned it so yay. Waiting to find out what his pay rise will be as well.

At least both of us can keep our current jobs when we move and just commute a couple of days a week ( I’m in denial about the reality of this but anyway)

Naturally my sister and her husband couldn’t possibly be left out so have also put an offer on a house up there but it was so impulsive and a really dumb choice but it’s been accepted so their only hope now is they can’t sell their current house.

Fuck I’m glad we don’t have stamp duty in this country.

I signed up for an online bootcamp class on zoom that’s 530 every morning coz let’s be real I ain’t doing nothing after work apart from collapsing in a heap and it’s been so fun! They are v much like, this is your first start back in a while these are your regressions we expect to see you using them and then don’t shame you for it either? And are just like, too hard? Don’t use weights then? And my god is it ever a relief for my poor overweight body to not be forcing it to move in ways it can’t and reminding myself that actually I can do pretty amazing things if I give it a chance and it’s just been such a massive mental win. Maybe over the next few months I might get my eating sorted you never know.

I signed up for it as a 6 week challenge kinda thing and I’m 99% sure I haven’t lost any weight which was not at all the point of signing up for it - it was proving to myself I could be consistent with something and I’ve achieved that so yay.

Dave and I are good which is lovely. Even started talking to the counsellor about all my sex hang ups which is deeply unpleasant and awkward but at least it moving things along a bit??? 🤮🤮🤮😬😬😬😳😳

Have I mentioned lately how good antidepressants are honestly?? I have my brain back and my personality and it’s wild.

We wanna start having kids this year? Also wild.

Had a birthday and now I’m 34 and somehow it’s April? I do not understand time at all honestly.

I fucking love my new doctor he’s actually the best I will not be changing when we move.

I’m excited for a slower, quieter pace of life and more chill. I’m honestly done with my girl boss era. I’ve made the money and chased the titles and it’s exhausting honestly. (Watch this change again rapidly)

I was away for 7 of 8 weekends across Feb and March and it was INSANE. weddings. TAYLOR SWIFT ERAS TOUR!!!!! Birthdays and friend birthday and mum and I went to Pink and other birthdays and it was way too much. Oh, and house hunting mixed in. Plus ya know, a full time job in the mix.

It’s been a Fkn massive start to the year, and she ain’t slowing down any time soon.

Antidepressants man. Wild the difference they have made to my life. WILD.

Happy and grateful for my life and everyone in it and all the madness that it is right now. Someday it’ll be chill right??? I’ve been saying that since 2019 at some point I’ll accept that the answer is no.

Cool cool cool what a wild ride.

[safetycar-restart]

Back with some more thoughts for our beloved PA!charles. As your relationship continues, Charles runs into a little problem at work. He keeps getting hard in the office and struggles to hide it. He wants to do the best possible job for you and feels so guilty that he might be letting himself get distracted from his work. But he can’t help it, he’s a very horny boy and it’s easy to start daydreaming about how you had him bent over the kitchen counter the night before, or how you promised he could ride your thigh some time in your office, etc etc. Before he knows it he’s painfully hard and wasted a good 30 minutes chewing away at his pen rather than completing his paperwork. The poor boy feels so so bad, this keeps happening and he feels like he’s letting his work slip. Maybe he starts to avoid you a bit at work so he can try and get himself back on track?? You notice he doesn’t check up on you as much, isn’t sporting his sweet little smile as he brings you his coffee.

Like you said in a previous prompt, one time he ends up accidentally double booking your appointments and it all comes crashing down. You have a sobbing Charles in your arms, insisting he’s a bad boy who does a bad job at work. It takes until the evening when you’re home from work and sorted the confusion with the double booking that he starts to blame himself for being too needy and horny. You reassure him that he’s allowed to feel like that, he’s your good boy!! He made a small mistake, it happens. He gets to be needy!! But you don’t want him feeling insecure about his work.

That night you come up with a solution, bringing the idea to Charles that maybe he could wear a cock cage in the office. At first it seems a little scary, but he warms to the thought of giving over that sort of control to you. You ease him into it, watching some videos online and helping him pick out a couple to order. You try it in the evenings after work, building up to the weekend when he feels ready to wear it all day. It makes him feel so secure and subby, loves knowing that you have complete control of his pleasure, that he can’t get hard unless you allow it. He can’t believe he never thought of this before. Soon enough, you putting on the cage in the morning becomes his favourite part of the day. After he’s washed and eaten breakfast he gets to fetch the cage and sit on your lap, blushing as you remark that his cock belongs to you. Now when he’s at work and his thoughts start to drift, the cool metal denying his hardness grounds him and brings him back to the present, secure in the knowledge that you have him under control. (I could literally write essays about PA!charles this is my new obsession)

Right firstly, please write essays about PA!charles. Every person on this blog would eat that up every single time. And then secondly, oh my god I love this?? These are thoughts are fucking incredible. Anon I hope you know I would die for you and so would half of this blog. Anyway, let’s get to this incredible ask.

Of course he’s gonna get horny and distracted all day!! He used to get distracted with thoughts about you even before the two of you got together. But now? Now that his fantasies aren’t just dreams? There’s no way for him to not be distracted!

He thought he would have gotten better and more focused now that you’re actually fucking him, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. He’s always horny now, always thinking about how well you treat him, how much he loves you, how badly he wants to be your good boy.

It’s a matter of time until he makes a mistake, which is why he tries to distance himself from you. But honestly, distancing himself is the worst thing to do?

He thrives on your love and attention. Nothing him grounds him like when you just give him a little smile, or offer him a quick hug. He lives for those moments.

So depriving himself of them only make him more scatter brained? He wants so badly to sit down with you when he brings you coffee, to hear more about your day and plans and to enjoy your company. But instead he just gives you your coffee and leaves, not wanting to tempt himself.

Which only makes the situation worse.

He just keeps on spiralling, berating himself for being horny at work and then making mistakes which makes him more upset and it just keeps on getting worse.

I also think he becomes even clingier outside of work? He burrows himself in your arms the moment you get home, refusing to let go because he’s spent the whole day going between painfully hard and wanting to cry and now he’s just so tired and uncertain of himself and needs cuddles.

It all culminates to him accidentally double booking you. The funny thing is, it’s not even that big of a deal? He double books you for a meeting with a colleague and a meeting with someone visiting from out of town. Your colleague has no problem moving the meeting to over lunch the next day and the person coming from out of town ever even finds out about the mix up.

But poor Charles beats himself up for it so bad that you end up having to take a half day and take him home. The poor thing was literally getting tears on his keyboard.

He doesn’t stop apologising the whole day home, a constant stream of babble and tears as begs for forgiveness and promises to be better. It just breaks your heart because he doesn’t need to be better!! He’s already the best assistant and sub that you could ever ask for.

You don’t realise how bad it is until charles says that it happened because he was too needy, because he couldn’t stop thinking about you.

You hate that he thinks he shouldn’t be needy. He can always be needy!! He’s your sweet sub, and part of his job is to be needy and horny all the time.

The cockcage is absolutely the perfect solution. And yeah he’s scared of it at first, cause it looks all scary and metal but you sooth him and take it very slow. At first you don’t even lock it, just fit it over his cock and leave it there for a minute and then take it off.

Charles loves. From the moment you put it on, he loved it.

He loves everything about it, the comforting weight, the fact that you put him in, the gentle way you handle his cock, how safe he feels. He loves every single thing about it.

You expect it to be a temporary thing, but no Charles adores it so much. He loves that he physically can’t get hard at work anymore, that you take that away from him and will give it back once he’s home and safe.

It also makes him feel so nice and owned? He no longer gets all pouty and jealous when you have long meetings or when people try to enquire with him whether you’re single. No one else gets their cock gently cleaned and tucked into a cage by you, no one else has their pleasure entirely controlled by you, no one else is your good boy.

He’s just amazed at how well he can focus on work now? It’s like that horny side of himself just disappears once you’ve got him in the cage. He still feels subby and needy, he always will, but it’s manageable. Especially because you’re always close to him and he can come gets a kiss and a quick cuddle whenever he wants.

(It should be noted, however, that the cock cage doesn’t stop his desire to eat you out at work. Nothing will ever stop that desire. He’s insatiable about it.)

[bee-tee-rus]

MML AU where King Pistachion is a single dad going on a T/indr date with you and Derek keeps fucking shit up:

(press "Keep Reading" for the fic)

Your legs bounce with anticipation. You tie the 50th knot out of the paper sheath that your straw came in, now noticing how strong it-- oh! Nope, it finally tore. Broken out of your daze now, you take a look around the little sandwich shop that you sit alone in, wondering when your date will show.

Online dating isn't really your thing, due to the countless articles and stories you've sunken time into reading, giving your paranoia a whole 'nother level of paranoia. But it really can't be that bad, right? You are hyper aware or any potential danger, so it all should be fine.

Some minutes pass, and you just got back to your seat with a Pistachio latte. You laugh to yourself, remembering that the guy's screename who you are supposed to meet was... "King Pistachion". He didn't look like your typical human. In fact, dude didn't look human in the slightest. Like some hot sexy monstrous treeman. Hey, there's a first time for everything! You pat your pocket to be sure you brought tweezers-- in case of any splinters.

RING! The door opens after what seemed like an eternity and you are 99% sure that the being who came through is him. I mean, how many men made of wood really live around here... Actually, that's a great question and you'll look into that later.

The tree man swivels his head and squints his eyes as he looks around the room. I lock my eyes onto him, yet remain silent as he surveys the room. I can't help but feel a bit intimidated. Once he turns my way and meets my gaze, I flash a weak smile and wave. He straightens up, nearly missing the ceiling as a huge smile forms across his face. The man comes forward and then I realize just how much taller he is than I. If this date gets far enough... I wonder how THAT will play out? I shake those unwanted thoughts away.

"H-hi, I'm Anon. Um from the uh... The app." God, why are you nervous?

"I know, as soon as those gems glistened my way, they drew me in... Anon~" the man says with smoothness as he kneels down and grabs your hand, his large stick thumb caressing the top of your hand in a seductive way.

Oh God, he is laying it on a little too thick.

"Uh..." You pull your hand away, feeling awkward from the sudden gesture. "Here, let's sit down and maybe talk some first, kinda get to know each other?"

"Ha ha yes, my little berry. Here... Let me--"

"AH!"

Suddenly, you are light on your feet. In fact, you aren't even on your feet anymore! This man had the audacity to pick you up and carry you bridal style to your seat. Sir, this is a Jimmy John's. He pulls out your chair with one hand and gently sits you down, then goes over to his seat and plops down in it. He leans his chin on his clasped hands as he leans forward to give you his undivided attention. What is with this guy? It seems like he is wanting to get to the good part already, like slow down!

"Haha... " You chuckle nervously, not knowing how to react to his chivalrous antics. "So... Is 'King Pistachion' your real name?"

"Yes."

"Really? No really?"

"Well I suppose if I had a human identity, I would go by 'Pcarl'. The 'P' is silent."

His face looks proud of his swift answer to you. The gears in your brain start turning and churning. There's not a single 'P' in 'Carl', what is he... ? Whatever, you won't question his logic for now.

"Okay, Pcarl..." You look the strange man up and down, not really feeling the name. You get the strong feeling that he just made that up on the spot. "Can I call you KP?"

"If that's what your heart desires, little berry~" he purrs out as he flashes a wink in your general direction.

You let out a sigh and try your best to reel the tree man back to square one with you.

"Anyways, KP, tell me a little about yourself. What do you do for fun? What sorta job do you do?"

"Oh you know. Terraforming foreign lands with my bountiful seed to grow my fiersome army of Pistachion soilders so we can rule this dying planet."

A smirk forms on his face as he leans back with his arms crossed.

With a strained poker face, you can only bring yourself to respond with a repeated question.

"... And for work?"

"Terraforming foreign lands with my bountiful seed to grow my fiersome army of Pistachion soilders so we can rule this dying planet."

Hm, so he's pretty much a Line A to Line B guy. You are uncertain whether you should feel threatened or not. Your thoughts get cut off when you hear an adult male voice boom through the restaurant.

"DAAAAAD! DAAAAAD WHERE ARE YOU?"

The whiny voice feels as though it is being focused towards us. KP lets out a grumble, face palming and muttering something under his breath. You can only make out a, "Not now" due to the Ed Sheeran music drowning out miniscule sounds. King Pistachion lifts up a finger to you as though he is motioning you to hold on, stands up and turns to face the door where the voice came from. He inhales as his eyes close and brows furrow, then responds.

"What now, Derek? Daddy's busy with 'business'!" KP holds out his hands towards you. So you are a business matter now? You would feel offended, yet the curiosity of this situation keeps you quiet as you become the onlooker of whatever is about to transpire.

This "Derek" was smaller in size compared to his father, being the size of a human adult male. He kinda had a BioShock thing going on with his fashion, with the top hat and tailcoat combo. He stuck some resemblance to his dad, except for the chiseled features of his face. You would think this guy could be a model or something.

"You said you would be quick and it's been 5 hours already!" Derek says with exasperation.

"Derek, stop being so dramatic. I've only been in here for 10 minutes and was this close you getting you a mommy" KP hisses as he presses his index finger against his thumb to emphasize how close he was to--

"What? I never agreed to anything like-- Is that why you have been so flirtatious from the get-go?" You can't believe that this guy really thought that it would take a mere day of cheesy romantic antics to get someone to just marry him.

"It was going so well, I could see in your eyes that your heart began to call out to me." He turns his head to you and looks a little smug, as though he truly believed this date was going great.

"I don't want a new mom! I'm happy with the one we got at home" Derek stomps his foot to assert his belief.

"Your 'mom' is a heat lamp, that's not a mother. That's a machine that aids. We need the touch and love of a real being, especially for when I'm busy with my plans."

"Her name is 'Laura' and you would know that if you ever came home and spent time with us!"

You are assuming that the heat lamp 's name is Laura. It's a bit hard to follow this conversation, yet you try your best since it involves you in the mix. Derek begins to walk towards the table and stands in front of you, rubbing his chin as he thinks.

"How old are you?" He asks as he narrows his eyes, making sure that you do not lie to him.

"30?"

He huffs as he throws his arms up and spins around to walk away. Derek begins to become as boisterous as he was before.

"Really, Dad? They're not much older from me or your other kids! That's like you're dating my siblings or something!"

"Don't be disgusting, Derek. It's not like that at all, get over it!" King Pistachion 's tone is now becoming more impatient at how his son is publically judging him around strangers. Something flat and green grows from the bush on his head, he reaches and picks it off. Wait, is that... Did he just illegally grow cash?

"Here's $50, just-- PLEASE, go find some entertainment and let Daddy finish business."

The steamed tree man towers over his son, holding out the totally legal cash for Derek to accept. A few seconds pass and Derek silently snatches the cash and leaves. Kind Pistachion lets out a heavy sigh of relief and dusts his hands, sitting back down and his face quickly transforms from anger to... Oh he's gonna keep trying, isn't he?

"So... Anyways, have you ever lay with a man of lumber?" His eyebrow raises as he leans forward, doing his best (and failing) to woo you.

"Uhh... "

"YOU KNOW I SPRINKLED WEED KILLER ON YOU IN YOUR SLEEP SO YOU CAN'T MAKE BABIES!"

This time, you did not hear the door open but you recognize the voice. It's Derek once more, only this time he is holding a yellow dog. You hear the chair scoot and look to find King Pistachion looking horrified. Is this man afraid of dogs?

"D-Derek, put that thing away now! You don't know what you're doing!" KP shakily says as he presses his back against the wall.

Derek chuckles as he pets the blissfully unaware dog that he carries.

"Oh I do know what I am doing, father..."

He puts his hands under the dog's arms and holds it up and far from him, Lion King style. The smile of Derek fades, his head tilted down with his brows furrowed, causing dramatic shadows on his face.

"I just gave this dog a full bowl of water and cranberries... He hasn't relieved himself yet. Now if you don't piss off from this pointless date and take me home..." Derek pats the dog's belly and a swoosh of fluids can be heard. "Then I'll have no choice but to piss you out of here."

What the hell is going on? Without a peep, King Pistachion stands up and heads towards the door. He seems cautious as he passes the airborne pup, squeezing his large frame by his son and through the exit. Derek has a prideful grin, puts the dog down and goes to follow his dad into the parking lot.

You are now out of your seat and rush to the window. You want to see what sort of vehicle these two travelled in. What exactly are these beings? Are they aliens? A science experiment gone wrong? Surely, something like them wouldn't be driving something so basic, right?

Wrong.

Why are you surprised? KP and his son enter a dual colored PT Cruiser, the top half being a pale green while the bottom half is a pale yellow. Ha, it's a PisTachio Cruiser. From here, you can vaguely make out both of their expressions from the car. King Pistachion wears a look of irked defeat and Derek has the smile of someone who got their way. The car drives off and now you are just sitting alone in the shop, not wanting to even finish your pistachio coffee.

"I don't think I like pistachios anymore."

[having-gude-times]

internet addiction and coping with it

Hey all, probably the only post I'll ever make on here, since I'm just here to keep track of friends.

Anyways, something that I wanted to share was how I coped with my internet/electronics addiction. I'm putting this out into the void, I know, but maybe someone who has this too will find this? Also disclaimer, english isn't my first language, so some things may be worded weirdly. Sorry!

For the longest time, I've struggled a lot with being online. It was a coping mechanism, giving me a small respite from everything that plagued me in real life. It was fun, at first, finding all these different things and websites and making new friends and connecting! But as time went on, it became a second source of anxiety and depression that became both better and worse as I stayed online.

I'm not an expert in either science or medicine, but the internet (and to some extent, electronics in general. I'm talking phones, computers, consoles, TV, etc.) is addictive because of these constant dopamine rushes, and without those dopamine rushes, everything else seems bleak. Similiar to some drugs, I'd say, but far less physically dangerous ofc (though the mental is still harmed). News cycles and social media thrive on outrage and giving strong emotional reactions, which is definitely not good for the human psyche.

Like any other addiction (or at least, most), the best way is to just go cold turkey. It's what worked for me, and that's how I'm doing so much better mentally than just a few years ago. Deleted every account I had, uninstalled every game and app, even put my phone on simple mode so that I'd only have access to the bare necessities.

It was hard at first, but it got better within just a week already! Coping with this stop is the most important, and I'll just share my method down below. It doesn't work for everyone, you may need to adapt some things so that it fits your life, but some friends have told me they're overall good tips.

Delete every social media. the most obvious one, I know, but that first step is the most important.

Set yourself a daily timer (10 minutes for me) for essential online activities, like checking emails and the sort. Browser extensions are good for keeping track of that.

If you're a gamer, try only keeping the most essential games, though be wary because this can quickly turn into a gaming addiction!

Get a manual hobby. Doing things with your hands is important! Just like you would with children, spending time on doing things with your own hands helps recalibrate your brain and dopamine. Into edits and pinterest boards? Do collages, scrapbooking, journaling! Cut up magazines and journals, get some cute stickers (and while it's redundant, scour online for images) and get to cutting and having fun. Into writing? Write down things in a notebook! Embroidery, knitting and crocheting are good for keeping yourself focused. Pop on some music and relax. Learn how to cook or bake! Keeping your brain and hands busy are essential for getting rid of that addiction.

Join a social program or volunteer! In my town, I can either keep company to the elderly or help autistic children socialise at their own pace. Programs like these are essential for filling that connection aspect of social media that you've now cut off, and the elderly always have the most fascinating things to say.

Then, hopefully, you'll be happier. Maybe you'll be like me, and make just one single account to see what's going on. And maybe you'll be stronger, and ditch forever the internet. Even if you relapse, it's no use villainising yourself. Simply get back on track as soon as you can, because beating yourself down won't help you.

I only come online about once a month, so if you have any questions or dms for me, feel free to hit me up, but it'll take a while for me to get back to you!

If you have an internet addiction, hang in there. These steps seem drastic, but they're essential to stop yourself from staying in a painful loop.

[qvirkycrxxtvre]

I’ve decided whilst tripping balls on mushrooms this evening that I will be posting here a tad more.

What it is, is I keep a diary on my notes app on my phone, but I’m deciding to just like, move it. Here.

I say this because I feel like it’s such a waste to live the life I live and it to be told to no one. I know I have this conclusion bc I have dead relatives that didn’t have the literacy to document their stories and I remember my family asking me to listen to these terribly scary familial stories in hopes I would do something good with them, make some kind of art. I won’t.

I don’t talk to my family anymore.

Pause rephrase

I’m not telling you my name, but I want whoever reads this to know this blog will contain the incredibly intimate thoughts of a mentally unwell woman. Me.

I need help, and I’m sure I’ll get there. Hold on I need to restart again

I need it to be known my Husband is a good man, who is coping with a very traumatized wife. My life has always been very interesting and I guess I feel an upswing to that coming soon again. I was one of those who grew up chronically online and had unrestricted internet access starting at the age of 6 maybe, but I still had access even at 3

$€£¥

Sorry okay back back back Maybe I’ll make a notation yup let’s do $€£¥ to notate whenever my ADHD brings me away from my writing so if the thought is incomplete but it’s still in the entry, that’s what happened.

I uh. Used to have a very very public diary. Multiple. Some way more public than others. I don’t really value privacy, my Husband is doing his best to teach me these things like what’s okay and what’s expected but like

It’s fucked okay anyways I think I gave the disclaimers I needed

Fuck the world building I just need to recap all the shit that went down, ugh I can feel it in my guts that I’m supposed to go write a scathing yelp review but no I, I wanna write it in my diary ya feel me? Maybe if I don’t write terribly, I can copy paste lmfao okay sorry back back back

Or actually does it matter? I can’t remember okay yes okay hold

Yes so that notation worthy pause was me reminiscing on our night so so hard that I felt the need to message my friend about the night but then I remembered I literally am starting a diary as a coping mechanism to get the crazy things I need to say out of me without disturbing my life via messaging actual friends or my Husband to start crazy stuff when I really just need a place to vent.

$€£¥

Sorry, see this is why we don’t have Hemingway ass writers modern day. I’m telling you, if I could focus long enough to tell you my adventures it would be like The Sun Also Rises ahhh it’s always interesting starting a public diary bc it’s like damn I have to introduce myself kind of like not really, I talk about myself and rehash my life on a daily basis so I guess whatever one doesn’t know about me, you can find out in a few days when I get to it.

My brain is literally so Wattpad (where I once had a public diary) that I’m trying to title this project to a degree. Eh,it’ll come in time.

Ugh. I took my meds and when they kick in I’ll go to bed and I’ll still haven’t told anyone about tonight ahhhh

You need to understand that I’m considerably slow processing speed wise but like when given the time to get there, I have a lot of mind.

Anyways. Okay I think I’m finally not tripping balls.

My Husband is asleep in bed next to me. We got home not too long ago- it’s 12:48PM- put the baby to bed, ate our pizza burgers joyously.

$€£¥

See okay cool now I can just tell it here

God so, there was obviously a time before I was married. I still have friends from that time period.

I currently play DnD on a weekly basis with my Husband, my middle school best friend, anddd

our DM. We jokingly call him Daddy Master because of a typo my Friend made in the group chat.

But god, if she only knew.

I keep getting distracted writing on here because obviously, I want to tell her something.

It’s “What I wouldn’t do to have gone home with Daddy Master tonight”

I hate knowing there was a time when that could have been what happened.

We had some dumb pizza and beer issues tonight and honestly, he handled it. It’s so fucked, I loved a masculine man. I love someone taking lead. I love someone driven to protect. Ugh, and his car was so so clean

So, we ordered food right? But it never came. It was some bullshit. So two hours later, Daddy Master in the front seat, my Friend in shotgun, me behind Daddy Master and my Husband behind my friend

Okay see pause and go back again, the reason calling this guy Daddy Master is extra funny to me, is because I literally used to go to this man when I was younger to get my fill of DD/lg play (it was a trade, I had to do feet stuff for him idk) and like this was all on a friends level because like

Like how I mentioned previously, I don’t entirely understand privacy and something that comes in tandem with that is I also didn’t understand boundaries and what was for people in relationships vs family vs friends of that makes sense.

Anyways. Uh, my Friend doesn’t know how I know our DM. My Husband knows to an extent. That we met on tinder. Same place I met my Husband, years later.

What the fuck was I trying to say

Oh

God I just, my husband isn’t… sexy when he’s mad. He’s effeminate, in like a whimper/panic stutter frustration way, but then also he’s… he’s prone to hit… things…

But Daddy Master? Bruh.

$€£¥

Sorry. Okay I need like a 4th person pronoun that isn’t “Chat” that I can reliably say to address the readers or else Bruh and bro (my default words) are going to be everywhere here

Dearest Reader. DeRe. Boy if that don’t look like someone making fun of John Deer products in the sponagar voice

Ugh

Anyways, I think I WILL make content on here. A mixed media diary. I used to do comic strip diaries at one point. I won’t take it that far but def anticipate some soundgasm audios attached here and there

I want to tell people things but I feel the meds kicking in, and it’s so late at night.

I’m going to go listen to some audios and jill off now. Ugh. I’ll become a better writer as this goes, I’m sure

Goodnight 1:24AM

05202024

[my-little-loverboy]

Pardon my rambling. Illness of the mental flavour this fine four in the morning.

On one hand I want to post shit as soon as I’m done drawing but I also like keeping a queue bc then my account doesn’t die for 7-14 business days when my wrists act up not from an obligation to post just bc I like seeing people interact with my art and i know I could take a break and keeping a queue makes it so I can but also I love consistency and I just because I should take breaks doesn’t mean I like doing it and I think I may spend too much time on the internet but I’m not entirely sure what else to do with myself because what else is there to do for me as someone who can’t really go out or do most normal things. I suppose I could read but I already do a lot of that not even just fanfic I read a decent amount of novels im just horribly picky and I find the process of finding novels I enjoy exausting. I could write more music too but I already do that a lot and it’s debatable if that’s better because I end up obsessing over even minor flaws. I want to redecorate my room but I’m not sure if that’s a good idea or if I’m just tired bc I’m pretty sure I forgot to take my meds last night even though I slept what felt like a normal amount. I should also go to bed now bc I did take my meds and I know that’s definitely making my current situation worse but on the other hand I want to run. Which I know is a bad idea last time i tried to go for a run my legs gave out and I was stuck in the cold for 4 hours until my roommate woke up and could bring my wheelchair and I’m not sure when my knees got this bad. Like I could never run because I was asthmatic but it was a different kind of couldn’t like I could technically run it was just a bad idea because I’d have an asthma attack. But now I can’t because I’ll fall and won’t be able to get back up or I’ll be in such severe pain I can’t get home or one time I got lost and just kinda kept walking for almost 2 hours bc I forgot my phone so I couldn’t contact anyone and I shit you not I ended up in the neighbor town (it’s not that far and I didn’t remember crossing the highway either way) and after that I barely got out of bed for like a week. Not that I get out of bed often as it anyway and I think that’s why it feels like I spend too much time online. Because I only really remember being online because it’s the best part of my day. Like I know I have one irl I could be hanging out with but also that is so much effort and I love her dearly but it’s a different kind of yearning I think. I want to be normal just for like a day I want to have friends who want to talk to me and people to spend time with irl. But I also don’t. I don’t want people I don’t want friends and I know that. I want the romanticized version of friends that don’t have drama or problems or complexity and I think that’s why I value my online friends and my mutuals so much because it fills the social need without any of the issues that come with humans and I feel horrible saying that because I know my mutuals are human but online is comfortable and the block button is always a click away and I’m not afraid to use it but also I am because what if I’ve misjudged the situation not that I’ll ever ask.

Edit I’m expanding this because my brain has gone in a very irl dangerous direction and I need to keep my hands busy lest I do something fucking stupid. Sometimes I wonder how much my apathy shows and sometimes I wonder if it’s even apathy because I am apathetic in a clinical sense but I wonder if I’m exaggerating because I get bursts of excitement or feeling but it comes and goes in minutes like. Even then direction I was going isn’t out of and particular negative emotion it was a passive thought and I think that’s arguably more worrying bc instead of being jarring and worrying I considered making a catastrophically bad decision with all the care of someone picking want to have for breakfast. Maybe I’d feel better if I jerked off I don’t think that’s is a great idea but also there’s certainly worse options I’m wondering if this reads as much like a conversation as it feels because I don’t remember writing most of it but also reading it does sound like me but not and I don’t know why that is but I don’t want to think to hard on it so.

[bunnypopgal]

Hello. It's been a few years since i made this blog and made my first post. I now deleted my first post bc i found it to be cringe and honestly really painful. i have grown a lot in these past years and have seemingly beat my hallucinations for now. i know that will most likely come back prob once i become a mother one day but i feel more prepared to beat them again.

Other than that i dumped and got dump by two partners, made and lost almost all my friends besides one. dont judge by like im sure many of us are im a sucker for the friends turned lovers trope and well ive been dating my best friend for almost going 2 years now. he has been super accepting, a wonderful partner and my biggest support thru it all so far. hes my only support system honestly.

i am deeply scared to make friends again after what my last friend did to me.. for years and i just let her. i cant really blame it on having low self worth either since i honestly really like myself and who i am but more so i didnt know HOW to be treated by others. let me be clear NOT how I treat others, no-no but HOW others SHOULD treat ME. isnt that nuts? you think that would be something we just have inside of us as humans (or otherwise) that we would just KNOW that. i dont FEEL like a doormat either but maybe i am. not with everyone, mind you. just like people ive grown to have developed a trusting bond in with respect packed in there like a mozzie stick, yum, ya know? i love em like chosen family and youre gonna body shame me for not being short for a woman, like what? you think i wouldve picked it out asap that chick SCREAMED pick me but i also saw her good qualities too which is why i wanted to be friends with her... i trusted her a lot. Oh well tho.

As much as it still hurts sometimes the fear is still there. i, as a woman also fear other woman. i know, i know. there is so many other wonderful women out there who would never treat me so badly but my brain is gone broken from so many traumatizing events over and over again. it irrational, i know it. its also isolating. i dont go out much at all but honestly blame the economy for that. i plan to be getting a part time job soon which you can also blame the economy for haha but also i want to meet people and have some kinda structure in my life again. hoping for friends right now is something im maybe not ready for honestly i think ill just start with talking to people again and let that be that. i hope to get some kind of a cleaning job so it will be a little to no talking to people depending on where im set up.

im just kinda scared to open myself up again to other people. online of course is different mainly besides the usual explanation but also for me, the internet is a black hole where NO ONE see the crap i shit out which includes my art i make sadly. i dont really try all like hard to make people see it anyways. i am still scared of people after all.

anyways today i have plans to hang out with my partner before he has to go to work. im hoping we can play palworld together again hehe. Other than that its house chores and back to drawing for me today. i just came out of another depressive episode recently so i have a few great messes to clean up. its a good thing i like cleaning, ya know when i dont feel like i wanna disappear. what can i say, its genetic. thanks, dad haha.

im planning to get back into my old hobbies too like live streaming. ive been live streaming all over the internet off and on since i was maybe 14. im 23 now so 10 years!!! WOWIE!! when i was growing up my family would joke around saying i need my own reality show haha. i do have a huge personality, ig but thats something im very comfortable and like about myself. bold and funny, i think!! streaming is a super relaxing thing to me. i talk to myself anyways and i always have. you dont stay this "sane" without talking to yourself to fight off the loneliness haha.

that reminds me recently my partner told me he found me to be a "increaser of morale, an inspiring person, you're motivating and you make being emotionally positive SO EASY." im still so stunned and very very VERY flattered he told me that! even if its not true im glad he feels that way bc thats a nice way to be. hes very very sweet to me.

well i could write forever right now honestly but i should probably go drink enough water to take out a house fire so i dont die of dehydration.

oh, if only. (JOKING)

[indiejones]

MY BOLLYWOOD-Y MAHABHARAT HISTORY REVEALED-

As history now recounts, my tryst with Bolly hierarchy, began not 3-4-5 yrs, but a full 11 yrs back. To be precise on 18th July 2012.

That was the day Rajesh Khanna died! & I had a totally unexpected & massive crying meltdown!

Why 'unexpected',would be your natural question?

That's coz, believe it or not, I BARELY EVEN KNEW WHO RAJESH KHANNA WAS BEFORE 2012!

Infact my relation with Bolly was as limited as most kids' from a non-filmy environ would be.

And mine being so polarly opposite, even more so!

And for those wondering about my long theater background- Trust me, English theater has NO REMOTE CONNECTION WHATSOVER WITH BOLLYWOOD!😀 (Infact English theater greats, obvi barring a handful exceptions & a v.prominent one, don't even care for it, & are at best unknown in Bolly)

But something strange happened on night of 18th July 2012, that is unforgettable for any normal human being! Though I've been blessed to have God come in my dreams from time to time to send instructions or signs, it's not as easy to decipher, as u'd imagine, before or since.

But that's one of those rare nights, God actually came into my dreams, specifically instructed me to touch his feet as he stepped onto a carpet, & take his blessings!

Now to remember- DREAMS ARE RANDOM MEANINGLESS UNCOILINGS OF BRAIN IN RELAXED MODE, UNLESS GOD APPEARS THEREIN!

And so the only time one must even bother interpreting them, is when a bonafide holy/divine person appears in them. So began my interpreting process, which ultimately drew me to conclusion: This was a purifying step by Him, to prepare for future activities.

Ok. But how is this connected to Mr. Khanna, be the next question? You see, I joined Twitter in 2009, & became quite a thing by 2010, even becoming the online world's sweetly nicknamed "baby Jesus" by 2012. Now what happened was-I got up from that dream, & started blabbering all sorts of weird Khanna fanboy eulogies one after another, weird for the fact that I certainly wasn't a fan by then! But stuff was coming outta me I didn't know I had,all in conjunction with my inconsolably sobbing state.

All in all, one o' most moving nights anyone'd encounter!

Now a slightly quick background recall for the unknowing. As I've mentioned earlier,following my close encounter with Baba in 1999 & thereon, stuff began moving inside me like never before & at infinitely faster pace,leading to 2008 when I had what I call "an orbit transfer"…leading to what can only describe as "a critical energy shift in perception & awareness". My peaceful near-blissful laidback royal life, behind the subconscious "do not disturb" sign, or as more spiritually-bented might say "sleeping in the shadows of Vishnu, life", changed.

.& Ever since, shifts on regular basis, incl, coming back to context, 18th July 2012 onwards! But as I noticed, the morning color papers soon after that night, & most mysteriously ao, started acting funny, as if most off-puttingly talking to me alone, & Bollywood one fine day suddenly woke up to me!

I even incidentally had another God dream soon, confirming my entry into "the inner sanctum of God"(in those many words), as also reaffirming my direction of path.

So lotsa "BIG WORLDY THINGS & EVENTS" started unintentionally occurring in my life, & before I could get it, I had already become,not just a spiritual superstar (that happened in 2010 itself, & being my natural nature,something I was pretty comfortable with), but of all things in the world, & something totally outta my comfort zone, turning me to AN INTL-NATL POLITICAL MEGASTAR!😁

And all I was doing was repeating basic principles of governance & administration,albeit applied to innumerably different situations, I thot everyone long knew of, & was even boring & passe to a extent, but that for some funny reason, mesmerized the whole world no end!😀 Maybe, coz it was ahem "baby Jesus" saying it??🧘‍♂️ So anyway, Bolly had turned into my sworn "competitor" for the most unexplicable till today reasons by 2014, & was somewhere post 2016-2017, when started losing most interest in politics, for lack of leaders living up to any of their promises, that started looking for a new venture to entertain myself with, & that's when began my tryst with Bolly history.

Let's remember, I still had no clue of the exact (ennnormous) greatness of the man called Rajesh Khanna, but as moved my way by 2017, from v.old Bolly to 60's, the guy inevitably came full-blown into the pic, & MADNESS ENSUED! Details of that maddening effect have sufficiently well been documented over past 5-6 yrs, so needn't elaborate further, but what's most pertinent to blog is, the opposite effect it had on top Bolly!

I HAVE NEVER SEEN ONE MAN RILE UP SO MANY V.FAMOUS PEOPLE & SEND WAVES OF MOST UNSPEAKABLE ANGER DOWN SPINES OF THE MOST REPUTED PERSONALITIES IN OUR POPULAR HISTORY & CULTURE, ANYWHERE, EVEN IN HISTORY, EVER! THIS WAS A MYSTERY OF SHERLOCKIAN PROPORTIONS, THAT NEEDED SOLVING.

And 'tis that myth-busting drive,with God's timely ordained powers, that's brought us here, few yrs on, as stand on cusp of putting final ribbons over "The Only Complete & Unfiltered & Objective Classified History, of The World's Single Biggest (Once) Money Machine-Bollywood!".

Or as an old online friend v.sweetly & simply put it yesterday, "The History No One Else Could Have Ever Written".

Or as the most adventurous would say, "One of The only Non-Masonic Modern Indian Histories in Existence Today".

And yes I'm no Dan Brown, but, Rajesh Khanna certainly was "The Grand Senechaux Of India's Anti-Freemasonry Org", that being the final piece of this most cumbersome puzzle, finally unraveled today!

In closing,to say,I didn't choose this fight or history,it was forced upon me.

And nor do I intend to carry on with this history of totally unconnected dimensions or domains, ahead.

Peace out. And Live & Let Live.

🙏👍👋

[c-is-for-circinate]

For a long, large part of my life, being queer in a media landscape--finding queerness in a media landscape--has meant theft.

I'm a Fandom Old, somehow, these days, older than most and younger than some, in that way that's grown associated with grumpy crotchetyness and shotguns on porches and back in my day, we had to wade through our Yahoo Groups mailing lists uphill both ways, boring and irrelevant anecdotes from Back In Those Days when homophobia clearly worked differently than it does now, probably because we weren't trying hard enough. I've seen a lot of stories through the years. I've read a lot of fanfic. (More days than not, for the past twenty years. I've read a lot of fanfic.)

When people my age start groaning and sighing at conversations about representation and queerbaiting, when we roll our eyes and drag all the old war stories out again in the face of AO3 is terrible and Not Good Enough, so often what we say is: you Young Folks Today have no idea how hard, how scary, how limiting it was to be queer anywhere Back In Those Days. Including online, maybe especially online, including in a media landscape that hated us so much more than any one you've ever known. And that is true. Always and everywhere, again and again, it's true, we remember, it's true.

We don't talk so much about the joy of it.

Online fan spaces were my very first queer communities, ever. I was thirteen, I was fourteen, I was fifteen--I was a lonely, over-precocious "gifted kid" two years too young for my grade level in an all-girls' Catholic school in the suburbs--I lived in a world where gay people were a rumor and an insult and a news story about murder. I was straight, of course, obviously, because real people were straight and anyway I was weird enough already--I couldn't be two things strange, couldn't be gay too, but--well, I could read the stories. I could feel things about that. I would have those stories to help me, a few years later, when I knew I couldn't call myself straight any more.

And those stories were theft. There was never any doubt about that. We wrote disclaimers at the top of every fic, with the specter of Anne Rice's lawyers around every corner. We hid in back-corners of the internet, places you could only find through a link from a link from a link on somebody else's recs page, being grateful for the tiny single-fandom archives when you found them, grateful for the webrings where they existed. It was theft, all of it, the stories about characters we did not own, the videotaped episodes on your best friend's VHS player, one single episode pulled off of Limewire over the course of three days.

It was theft, we knew, to even try and find ourselves in these stories to begin with. How many fics did I read in those days about two men who'd always been straight, except for each other, in this one case, when love was stronger than sexual orientation? We stole our characters away from the heterosexual lives they were destined to have. We stole them away from writers and producers and TV networks who work overtime to shower them in Babes of the Week, to pretend that queerness was never even an option. This wasn't given to us. This wasn't meant for us. This wasn't ours to have, ever, ever in the first place. But we took it anyway.

And oh, my friends, it was glorious.

We took it. We stole. And again and again, for years and years and years, we turned that theft into an art. We looked for every opening, every crack in every sidewalk where a little sprout of queerness might grow, and we claimed it for our own and we grew whole gardens. We grew so sly and so skilled with it, learning to spot the hints of oh, this could be slashy in every new show and movie to come our way. Do you see how they left these character dynamics here, unattended on the table? How ripe they are for the pocketing. Here, I'll help you carry them. We'll make off with these so-called straight boys, and we only have to look back if somebody sets out another scene we want for our own.

We were thieves, all of us, and that was fine and that was fair, because to exist as queer in the world was theft to begin with. Stolen time, stolen moments--grand larceny of the institution of marriage, breaking and entering to rob my mother's hopes for grandchildren. Every shoplifted glance at the wrong person in the locker room (and it didn't matter if we never peeked, never dared, they called us out on it anyway). Every character in every fic whose queerness became a crime against this ex-wife, that new love interest. Every time we dared steal ourselves away from the good straight partners we didn't want to date.

And: we built ourselves a den, we thieves, wallpapered in stolen images and filled to the brim with all the words we'd written ourselves. We built ourselves a home, and we filled it with joy. Every vid and art and fic, every ship, every squee. Over and over, every straight boy protagonist who abandoned all womankind for just this one exception with his straight boy protagonist partner found gay orgasms and true love at the end.

Over and over, we said: this isn't ours, this isn't meant to be ours, you did not give this to us--but we are taking it anyway. We will burglarize you for building blocks and build ourselves a palace. These stories and this place in the world is not for us, but we exist, and you can't stop us. It's ours now, full of color and noise, a thousand peoples' ideas mosaic'ed together in celebration. We made this, and it will never be just yours again. You won't ever truly get it back, no matter how many lawyers you send, not completely. We keep what we steal.

.

Things shifted over time, of course. That's good. That's to be celebrated. Nobody should have to steal to survive. It should not be a crime, should not feel like a crime, to find yourself and your space in the world.

There were always content creators who could slip a little wink in when they laid out their wares, oh what's this over here, silly me leaving this unattended where anybody could grab it, of course there might be more over by the side door if you come around the alleyway (but if anybody asks, you didn't get this from ME). We all watched Xena marry Gabrielle, in body language and between the lines. We sat around and traded theories and rumors about whether the people writing Due South knew what they were doing when they sent their buddy cops off into the frozen north alone together at the end of the show, if they'd done it on purpose, if they knew. But over the years, slowly, thankfully, the winks became less sly.

A teenage boy put his hand on another teenage boy's hand and said, you move me, and they kissed on network TV, in a prime-time show, on FOX, and the world didn't burn down. Here and there, where they wanted to, where they could without getting caught by their bosses and managers, content creators stopped subtly nudging people around the back door and started saying, "Here. This is on offer here too, on purpose. You get to have this, too."

And of course, of course that came with a whole host of problems too. Slide around to the back door but you didn't get this from me turned into it's an item on our special menu, totally legit, you've just got to ask because the boss throws a fit if we put it out front. Shopkeepers and content creators started advertising on the sly, come buy your fix here!, hiding the fine print that says you still have to take what you've purchased home and rebuild it with your semi-legal IKEA hacks. Maybe they'll consider listing that Destiel or Sterek as a full-service menu item next year. Is that Crowley/Aziraphale the real thing or is it lite?

And those problems are real and the conversations are worth having, and it's absolutely fair to be frustrated that you can't find the ship you want on sale in anything like your color and size in a vast media landscape packed full of discount hetships and fast-fashion m/f. It's fair to be angry. It's fair to be frustrated. Queerbait is a word that exists for a reason.

There's a part of me that hurts, though, every time the topic comes up. It's a confusing, bad-mannered part of me, but it's still very real. And it's not because I'm fawning for crumbs, trying to be the Good, Non-Threatening Gay. It's not that I'm scared and traumatized by the thought of what might happen if we dare raise our voices and ask for attention. (Well. Not mostly. I'll always remember being quiet and scared and fifteen, but it's been a long two decades since then. I know how to ask for a hell of a lot more now.)

It's because I remember that cozy, plush-wallpapered den of joyful thieves. I remember you keep what you steal.

Every single time--every time--when a story I love sets a couple of characters out on a low, unguarded table, perfectly placed to be pilfered on the sly and taken home and smushed together like a couple of dolls, my very first thought is always, always joy. Always, that instinct says, yay! Says, this is ours now. As soon as I go home and crawl into that pillow-fort den, my instincts say, I will surely find people already at work combing through spoils and finding new ways to combine them, new ways to make them our own. I know there's fic for that. I've already seen fic for that, and I wasn't really interested last time, but the new store display's got my brain churning, and I can't wait to see what the crew back at the hideout does with this.

Every time, that's where my brain goes. And oh, when I realize the display's put out on purpose, that somebody snuck in a legitimate special menu item, when the proprietor gives me the nod and wink and says, you don't have to come around the side, I know it's not much but here--there is so much joy and relief and hope in me from that! Oh, what we can make with these beautiful building blocks. Oh what a story we can craft from the pieces. Oh, the things we can cobble together. Look at that, this one's a little skimpy on parts but we can supplement it, this one's got a whole outline we can fill in however we want. This one technically comes semi-preassembled, and that's boring as shit and a pain to take back apart, but that's fine, we'll manage. We're artists and thieves. I bet someone's pulling out the AU saw to cut it to pieces already.

And then I get back to our den, which has moved addresses a dozen times over the years and mostly hangs out on Tumblr now (and the roof leaks and the landlord's sketchy as fuck but at least they don't charge rent, and we've made worse places our own). And I show up, ready for joy--ready for a dozen other people who saw that low-hanging fruit on that unguarded table, who got the nod and wink about the special menu item, who're ready to get so excited about this newest haul. Did you see what we picked up? The theft was so easy, practically begging to be stolen. The last owner was an idiot with no idea what to do with it. The last owner knew exactly what it could become, bless their heart, under a craftsman with more time on their hands, so they looked away on purpose at just the right time to let me take it home. I show up every time ready for our space, the place that fed me on joy and self-confidence when I was fifteen and starving. The place that taught me, yes, we are thieves, because it is RIGHT to take what we need, and the beautiful things we create are their own justification. We are thieves, and that's wonderful, because nothing is handed to us and that means we get to build our own palaces. We get to keep everything we steal.

I go home, and even knowing the world is different, my instincts and heart are waiting for that. And I walk in the door, and I look at my dash, and I glance over at twitter, and--

And people are angry, again. Angry at the slim pickings from the hidden special menu. So, so tired and angry, at once again having to steal.

And they're right to be! Sometimes (often, maybe) I think they're angry at the wrong people--more angry with the shopkeeper who offers the bite-sized sampler platter of side characters or sneaks their queer content in on the special menu than the ones who don't include it at all. But it's not wrong to be mad that Disney's once again advertising their First Gay Character only to find out it's a tiny sprinkle of a one-line extra on an otherwise straight sundae. It's not wrong to be furious at the world because you've spent your whole life needing to be a thief to survive. It's far from wrong. I'm angry about it too.

But this was my den of thieves, my chop shop, my makerspace. Growing up in fandom, I learned to pick the locks on stories and crack the safes of subtext at the very same time I learned to create. They were the same thing, the same art. We are thieves, my heart says, we are thieves, and that's what makes us better than the people we steal from. We deconstruct every time we create. We build better things out of the pieces.

And people are angry that the pre-fab materials are too hard to find, the pickings too slim, the items on sale too limited? Yes, of course they are, of course they should be--but my heart. Oh, my heart. Every single time, just a little bit, it breaks.

Of course the stories are terrible (they have always been terrible). Of course they are, but we are thieves. We steal the best parts and cobble them back together and what we make is better than it was before. The craftsman's eye that cases a story for weak points, for blank spaces, for anywhere we can fit a crowbar and pry apart this casing--that's skill and art and joy. Of course we shouldn't have to, of course we shouldn't have to, but I still love it. I still want it, crave it. I still thrill every time I see it, a story with hairline cracks that we can work open with clever hands to let the queer in.

That used to be cause for celebration, around here. I ask him to go back to the ruins of Aeor with me, two men together alone on an expedition in the frozen north, it feels like a gift. And I understand why some people take it as an insult. I understand not good enough. I understand how something can feel like a few drops of water to someone dying of thirst, like a slap in the face. If it was so easy to sneak it hidden onto the special menu, to place it on the unguarded side table for someone else to run off to, why not let it sit out front and center in the first place? I know it's frustrating. It should be. We should fight. We should always fight. I know why.

But my heart, oh, my heart. My heart only knows what it's been taught. My heart sees, this thing right here, the proprietor left it there for you with a nod and a wink because they Get It. It's not put together yet, but it's better that way anyway. It's so full of pieces to pull apart and reassemble. I bet they've got a whole mosaic wall going up at home already. We can bring it home and make it OURS, more than it was ever theirs, forget half of what it came from and grow a new garden in what remains.

And I go home to find anger, and my heart breaks instead.

[unoriginalmess]

Untitled Feralnette Fic Ch. 1

Hiya there anyone who happens upon this first chapter of this fic. I would like to start out by saying that this is my first fanfic ever. I've been wanting to write a fic for the miraculous fandom for a while but I haven't had any inspiration until I stumbled upon this glorious AU created by @bigfatbreak. I highly suggest checking out all of their posts about this au because they are hilarious and genius and about 100 other amazing adjectives that could be used to describe them and their posts. Anyways enough with my rant and let's get on with the fic. ⚠️Slight angst⚠️ ⚠️Swearing⚠️

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When Marinette got home after her and Luka's breakup, all she could do was cry. She wanted to be with him, but her Ladybug duties came first. If lying is a deal breaker for him, then maybe it was best that they ended it now while their relationship was still in its early stages. Still, she couldn't help but feel the loss of her first relationship. She ended up crying for a whole entire day. She just hoped that Hawkmoth(or Shadowmoth or whatever the fuck he wanted to be referred to as this week) wasn't feeling particularly akuma-y today, because she didn't know if she could bottle up all these feelings, even though the world is relying on her ability to do so.

Ugggghhh!! It has been exhausting having to be "happy and perfect Marinette" and "happy and perfect Ladybug" All. The. Time. She's also pretty sure that Hawkmoth had discovered the similarities in her personality as Marinette to Ladybug, and that's why she's been targeted by multiple akumas lately. She has had to have her emotions under control even more than usual. If only there was a way to get Hawkmoth to stop targeting her. Maybe she should just not give a fuck anymore. Haha as if! It couldn't be that easy! Could it?

The more she thinks about it the more it starts to make sense. If she just let herself go completely crazy as Marinette, she would be killing like 10 birds with one stone. She would get hawkmoth off of her trail, she wouldn't have to deal with having to hide her emotions all of the time, she wouldn't have to deal with the added stress of maintaining her perfect persona, she wouldn't have to deal with the stress of Lila's lies taking her friends away if she didn't have friends in the first place, and so much more stress would be taken off of her plate! It was perfect! It might hurt a little at first, but it's for the best in the end. She spent that night planning out her outfit for tomorrow, doing her homework, and going to sleep knowing that, in the morning, François Dupont isn't gonna know what hit them.

....

Adrien Agreste had been having a rough week. He had been abandoned on patrol by ladybug, been broken up with by his girlfriend, and was feeling completely and utterly alone. He knows that his lady has been feeling overwhelmed by her guardian duties lately, and that he 100% deserved that verbal lasting that kagami had given him but he couldn't help but feel this way. He was also feeling guilty about lying to kagami and leading her on for so long. After she broke up with him he took some time to assess his feelings for her and realized that he had more of an admiration for her than an infatuation. He definitely didn't feel the same way about her that she felt about him. She told him that she LOVED HIM, and he was so distracted (blinded) by ladybug that he didn't even process her confession. So, he was looking forward to Sunday morning. He cleared his schedule and on that beautiful Sunday morning, he did what he is only allowed to do on very rare occasions: sleep in. Or at least... thats what he had planned on doing.

When Nathalie had knocked on his door that morning Adrien was not in a good mood. He vaguely heard her say something about father wanting him downstairs in some amount of time for something involving a business partners child and some other robotic sounding words that his half asleep brain couldn't process completely.

"I have a cleared schedule this morning, Nathalie. What could father possibly want me for that is more important than my precious sleep?" He asked snappily.

"Your father wants you downstairs to welcome the new guest that will be living in the house for the rest of the school year. You have 15 minutes to make yourself look presentable and I suggest leaving the attitude upstairs," she half informed/half reprimanded him. As she walked away, Adrien reluctantly rose from his nice warm bed and went to go get ready with only one thought racing through his mind: Who could possibly be staying with them?

....

Felix Culpa was not looking forward to living at the Agreste mansion for the rest of the school year, but for their parents' sake they would do what they had to. It wasn't all for their parents either, they were also concerned about the strange "dissapearance" of Emilie (who was his aunt in all ways except blood relation) and about the treatment of Adrien since said "disappearance".

You see, Felix Culpa is the heir to the Culpa Fabric Empire. The Culpas have been the sole fabric supplier of the Agreste brand since the very beginning. Felix's mom Diana was best friends with Emilie since their college days. Diana and Emilie made the deal with the two brands because as best friends who are both involved in the same industry, it just made sense to have a business relationship with each other. Diana never really cared for Gabriel as a person, but she could tell that he loved Emilie more than anyone else in the world so she could tolerate him for the sake of her best friend.

When Emilie went missing, Diana was absolutely devastated and tried anything she could to find her. She invested in missing person ads as large as billboards, organized search teams, tried to aid the police in their search for her in any way she could, but there was no leads, no legitimate calls to the number on the billboards, and the search team came up empty handed. While she was doing all of this to try to find her, she couldn't help but be furious over the fact that Gabriel was doing nothing to help in the search. All he did was hole himself up in his oversized mansion and call it a day.

The last straw for Diana was when Gabriel tried to use the "grieving my wife" excuse to try to abuse their business arrangement. That day, she told him that the Culpa brand would no longer be associated with the Agreste brand and that after the new collection is released, he would need to find a new fabric supplier. She knew that the Agreste brand would take a huge hit from having sub-par fabric, but she never thought that Gabriel would try to make up for that fact by using Adrien as a walking mannequin and locking him up in the desolate prison that he calls a home. As soon as she realized that he was doing this she scrambled to find a solution.

That is how Felix ended up here, standing in front of the mansion they would be living in for the next 9 months in exchange for Gabriel getting back into the Culpa brand's good graces. Don't get them wrong, they were excited about being able to be in Paris, home of the most innovative fashion pieces in the world, and about being able to see their honorary cousin Adrien (who wasn't half bad to be around despite him having no backbone whatsoever when it came to anything involving his father) but dealing with Mr. Agreste was definitely one of the low points of this arrangement.

They decided to just get it over with and knocked on the door. It was opened by the man that their cousin affectionately referred to as Gorilla. They nodded a thank you to the man, remembering that he was a man of few words, and proceeded to the bottom of the staircase. Mr. Agreste stood at the top with a very tired looking Adrien a few steps down. Felix wasn't even slightly surprised that this is where he chooses to welcome his guests, looking down on people must give him some sort of power trip or something. It's almost as if he heard the phrase "It's over, Anakin, I have the high ground," and made that his own personal motto. Whatever, let him have the feeling of false power if he wanted it, Felix knows that they have all the power in this situation and they're sure that Gabriel knows it as well.

"Hello Felix," Mr. Agreste greeted them with the same amount of warmth in his voice as liquid nitrogen, "while you are staying in this house you will abide by my rules. Adrien will inform you of them and show you to your room. You will attend school with him in the morning and I'm sure that you already know that you must represent not only the Culpa brand, but also the Agreste as well. I will be in my office working, do not disturb me. Contact Nathalie with any questions that cannot be answered by Adrien." He finished his spiel and left to what Felix assumed was his office space.

"Hello Felix!" Adrien greeted him with as much enthusiasm as he could muster in his sleepy state. "Come with me and I'll show you to your room."

Adrien led Felix to their room and listed all of the rules of the household that they were expected to follow. And... wow. Felix could not believe that their cousin had to live like this. The only social interaction this kid gets is at school and fencing? Pre-approved outings only with people determined socially acceptable by Gabriel? And if he gets even one "B" he isn't even going to be allowed to go to school at all? Felix knew that the living situation was bad for Adrien but know the only question running through their head was: What did they get themselves into??

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And... thats it for chapter 1! Mostly background info at this point, but next chapter will be the class' reaction to feralnette and felinette meeting for the first time. I just want to say thanks again to @bigfatbreak for giving me the inspiration to write a fic for the first time ever. Feel free to leave constructive criticism, I'm always looking to improve, especially at writing since this is my first time posting anything I've written online, so I want to get better so that I can make better content for you guys, gals, and non-binary pals. If anyone wants to be tagged just let me know and I'll make a tag list for ya. :)

[nctsjiho]

Your Fault

warnings: strong language, consumption of alchol, mention of death without actual death, very much angst

era: July 7th 2021

❀ NCT 127's 5th anniversary isn't a day to celebrate and be happy for everyone

To Doyoung:

“Happy 5th anniversary oppa!”

“I hope you and the boys are having a great time <3”

JiHo stared at her phone intently waiting for the “sent” at the bottom of her screen to turn into “read”. She had been staring at her phone like that for nearly an hour, yet nothing changed. The girl knew that the boys were busy, but somewhere she hoped that she’d hear from them. Besides the short “wished you could be with us” message she had received the evening before from Taeyong she hadn’t heard from anyone else. Of course JiHo was aware that the boys were busy, but was it a crime to feel left out and maybe want a phone call or something more than a “wished you could be with us” from anyone?

And so JiHo continued to stare at her phone, everything on the small screen getting progressively more blurry as time went on. Her eyes were straining, one almost pressed shut, the other slowly going cross-side. Her right hand, which wasn’t holding the phone, reached out to the glass bottle on her desk. A quick shake letting her know it was empty. So she reached for the other one, opening it skilfully with one hand – like she did with the other two bottles now empty on her desk – and bringing it up to her lips. “Must be nice hm~ Being an idol or whatever…”

“I’m glad you came over.” Sihyun, JiHo’s Esteem manager that lives with her, said as she grabbed the boy’s coat off his shoulders. The piece of clothing, along with his hair, slightly damp caused by the light drizzle outside. “JiHo’s been a bit sensitive and doesn’t let me in her room. She doesn’t want to talk to me at all.” Jaemin watched the woman’s face full of worry. He gave her a small reassuring smile and then glanced at the door leading to JiHo’s room. “I’ll try to talk to her.” Thanking Jaemin, Sihyun then excused herself, telling him she had to run some late night errands.

Not knowing what was happening behind the closed door of the bedroom, Jaemin knocked a few times. “Unnie~ Just leave me- leave me alone.” JiHo hiccupped between her words, her speech sounding a bit slurred. She had been drinking? JiHo?

Without a second thought Jaemin pushed the door open. A jumbled mess of protests escaped JiHo’s lips, but she froze in her chair as soon as her eyes locked with Jaemin. “What… are you doing here?” She muttered to the best of her abilities. “Coming to check up on you.” He neared the girl and poked at the bottles and the mess on her desk. “Clearly you need it.” His tone sounded very much disappointed and for a split second JiHo felt her heart ache, but she quickly turned defensive. “I do not!”

A sigh escaped deep from Jaemin’s chest and he pulled JiHo to sit on the edge of her bed next to him. “Since when do you drink?” It was quiet for a bit. JiHo looked at the bottle of the alcoholic beverage in her hand, swirling it around by circling her wrist and then started to giggle to herself. “A new hobby?” She turned to Jaemin, a big smile on her lips – however Jaemin could see the sadness behind it easily. “It’s fun. Feeling… Nothing! I can barely feel my… my lips.” Her body swayed from side to side prompting Jaemin to grab her by her shoulders and hold her in place. “It’s fun until you wake up with a hangover tomorrow.” He scoffed. “Can’t get a hangover if I don’t sleep.” She said, before turning to her desk. She then pointed at the box of another 9 bottles of alcohol next to it on the floor. “Or if I don’t stop drinking.” She grinned.

“Yah! What’s wrong with you?” Jaemin’s patience ran dry quickly. He just felt so furious seeing how badly JiHo was treating her own body. She never drank and now she was planning to drink 12 bottles of alcohol? Drinking herself straight into the hospital, and if it weren’t for Jaemin being here, maybe straight into her own grave. “This is strong alcohol! For all I know you can’t even handle it, so what made you decide to drink now huh?” He yelled, anger only rising watching the girl just stare at him with wide, innocent eyes.

Those same eyes turned to look at her laptop, located on the desk she sat at earlier. The NCT 127 online fanmeeting being streamed, muted.

Of course Jaemin knew it was NCT 127’s 5th anniversary, he knew it must’ve affected JiHo in some way, even if she kept insisting she was going to be fine and was happy for the boys. She even said that she wasn’t “part of the group since debut, so it wouldn’t even be my 5th anniversary” and everyone just had to nod and smile.

“Is that a reason to potentially drink yourself to death?” Jaemin poked her side – maybe a bit too harsh – to gain her attention again; she seemed to be zoning out every few seconds. “What else was I supposed to do? I’m tired of keeping things in.” She sneered at him and it was almost as if she didn’t drink anything. She sounded much more coherent than just a minute earlier. “Aren’t you doing just that though? Drinking on your own. Not letting Sihyun noona in? We keep telling you to talk to us, yet all you do is keep things in. The hyungs even took you out to do stuff and get your mind off things yet you get home and do the thing you always do.”

JiHo felt every drop of alcohol leave her system as she heard the somewhat condescending tone in her friend’s voice. “What the fuck? So this is my fault-“ “Kinda, yes! You just sit here feeling sorry for yourself while everyone is worried over you! We’re your friends for a reason JiHo. There are so many people who care for you, just start fucking talking when you feel down like this.”

The blood inside of JiHo’s veins started to boil and at the same time she felt tears pricking behind her eyes. “You think it’s that easy? What am I supposed to say? That I feel upset that I can’t be with 127 now? Okay. Then what about it? Me telling you this won’t change shit!” “At least you should stop lying and stop telling everyone you’re fine when you’re not! Why do you continue keeping things a secret from everyone?” Both JiHo and Jaemin’s chest rose and fell at a rapid pace. “But I guess you’re good at that anyway.” He added in a mumble.

Once the words registered in JiHo’s mind, the bottle that started to hover towards her lips was quickly forgotten. “What do you mean by that?” Jaemin just shrugged his shoulders and turned his gaze away from JiHo. “Jaemin? What do-“ “You were supposed to debut in 2016 with NCT U?” JiHo’s eyes widened and she pushed herself to stand up. “How’d you know-“ “Then they asked you to debut in 127? Also with us… In Dream?” “How do you know?” Was the only thing JiHo could say.

“Does it matter?” Jaemin yelled, standing up as well. “Why do you continue to keep secrets from us? Do you not trust us? Is that why you sit here alone? Drinking and crying alone.” The boy watched as JiHo stood in front of him wordlessly. He could see how his words were affecting her, but he wanted to be selfish for once. He wanted to let JiHo know how frustrating things were for him and his friends. He was well aware of how JiHo had her own worries and hardships, but if she never wanted to confide in anyone, then he was allowed to be mad right?

The only sound filling the room was both of their ragged breathing and the occasional shift from one foot to the other. The silence was almost deafening, a ringing shooting up JiHo’s clouded mind making her feel like she was going to lose it any second now. Her friend sending hurtful glares her way didn’t help ease the growing pain either.

“You’re right. I could’ve debuted in 2016, what about it?” JiHo whispered, afraid that her talking too loud would send surges of pain into her brain. “Why did you hide it from us? Why didn’t you say yes back then?” Jaemin interrogated her. “There was no reason to tell you if it didn’t happen. I didn’t debut so telling you I could’ve wouldn’t change a thing. I’m not in Dream, I didn’t debut in U and clearly now, I’m not in 127 either. Jaemin… It doesn’t matter anymore…” JiHo’s voice stayed as calm as possible.

“How long have you known Jaemin?” JiHo spoke up again as Jaemin didn’t say anything. She felt the tension grow exponentially, the pressure on her body and more noticeably her head increasing and bothering her more as well. “I heard it during that last meeting you had with Yebin noona and Mister Lee Soo Man…” JiHo let out a small chuckle, shaking her head in disbelief. “I guess we’re eavesdropping and keeping secrets from me as well.”

She brought the glass bottle still in her hands to her lips, throwing her head back, to down as much of the liquid as possible. Before she could finish it all in one go, Jaemin gripped the bottle and pulled it away from her. “It’s not the same, JiHo!”

The liquid rushed from between JiHo’s lips, making a wet patch on her grey sweatpants. She could feel her throat and lungs burning as she coughed, caused by the alcohol going down her windpipe instead.

Jaemin watched her with concern painting his features, his hand slowly caressing her back hoping it would ease her violent coughs. “I’m sorry. Are you okay?” He whispered and JiHo gave him a small nod as her body calmed down.

The two 00 liners stayed like that for a while, with Jaemin’s eyes burning at the back of JiHo’s downturned head. Even after JiHo’s body stopped shaking violently, Jaemin’s concern continued to grow. It was only when he noticed the drops, which only could be tears, fall onto her sweatpants and create even more wet spots, that he decided to step in.

Jaemin’s hand securely gripped JiHo’s shoulder and he pulled her up to face him. A gasp left the boy’s mouth as he watched large tears spill from his friend’s eyes. “Ji…” It proved incredibly difficult to speak when he was faced with a situation he wasn’t ready to deal with. Maybe Jaemin shouldn’t have confronted her the way he did. Maybe acting like everything was fine wouldn’t have caused him to witness JiHo at possibly the worst she has felt.

It became a full minute of Jaemin staring into JiHo’s pain- and tear-filled eyes, feeling like he could drown in them himself, before a loud pained sob brought him to reality. The sudden jolt of JiHo’s body forward made Jaemin act quickly and pulled the girl into his chest. His hand, just as quickly, found its way into JiHo’s slightly tangled hair.

“I’m… sor- so sorry.” JiHo sobbed into his chest, tears soaking through even the thicker material of the boy’s jumper. Jaemin could feel his sweater start to stick against his chest, yet what felt more uncomfortable than the damp piece of clothing was the feeling of JiHo’s body shaking in his hold.

As best as he could, Jaemin tried to soothe JiHo. Almost like taking care of a crying toddler, he swayed the girl from side to side. His lips were pressed against the shell of JiHo’s ear as Jaemin whispered affirmations into her skin. “Don’t apologise... Stop apologising.”

“I’m only bringing the team down-” “Shh JiHo. Stop that.” He told her, as his fingers continued to comb through her hair, slowly and carefully detangling it along the way. JiHo pressed her eyes tighter as even more tears spilled from her cheeks and pushed herself closer into Jaemin’s grasp.

Mouth agape, a sob that was building up in his own chest was threatening to fall from Jaemin’s own lips. “You don’t deserve any of this JiHo, you only deserve the best.” JiHo only shook her head, but didn’t dare to speak again. “You do... You really do.”

The night in the capital of South-Korea was never really that dark. Lights always seemed to find their way past the pulled back blinds of any building that wasn’t directly blocked by another one due to bad city planning. So even during the darkest time of day, even when all the lights inside have been dimmed, somehow, it was still light enough to see inside.

So when Jaemin pulled back to look at JiHo’s face, her eyes still tightly pressed shut - which pained him immensely - Jaemin could see the light reflecting off of her wet cheeks.

Feeling two hands being placed on her burning cheeks, JiHo finally decided to open her eyes again. A few more tears rolled over her cheeks onto Jaemin’s thumbs, but luckily no new ones seemed to form. “I’m sorry for everything, all this drama. It’s my fault.” Jaemin shook his head and pulled the girl back, this time to hide his own tears that were starting to form. “Please stop apologising, it’s not your fault.”

“But-” JiHo sighed, her arms found their way around Jaemin’s small waist. “I hate that it’s always about me. I don’t want to be this cliche ‘emotional girl with so many problems and everyone has to pay attention to her problems’. I don’t want that. I don’t want to burden you guys with that, but I also don’t want that kind of attention. I know people already hate me for being in a boy’s group. I don’t want my stupid problems to be the only thing that people assiociate me with NCT.”

“Your problems are not stupid JiHo. And though I understand what you’re saying, I think it’s worse to keep it in. If anything, keeping it in just makes us worry about you more and may get you more attention. JiHo I know things suck right now, and I can’t imagine how you’re feeling with everything going on right now, but… Please just talk to us when things are bothering you. We all love you.”

At those last words JiHo loudly sniffled back some stray tears. She pressed herself into Jaemin’s warm embrace and softly nodded her head. “From now on I will. I promise. And…” JiHo looked up at Jaemin, sending him a small smile that he gratefully reciprocated. “I love you guys too. You’re all I have here and that’s enough to make me stay.”

Jaemin’s hand resumed with his previous ministrations. A deep sigh left his lips as he rested his head atop of JiHo’s. “Everything will be just fine.” Jaemin pressed a kiss against JiHo’s hair. “As long as we stay together everything will be just fine.”