#anyway. maybe i'll go into more detail later but hopefully you get it

[bookwyrminspiration]

"fitz was right to never forgive alvar" and "alvar is capable of growing and becoming a better person no matter what depths he's sunk to because there is no point at which you lose the ability to change and improve" are two things that can, and do, coexist. unforgivable and irredeemable are two different things

[hollandorks]

haven

battinson! bruce wayne x f! reader

chapter sixteen

Summary: After the sudden deaths of her mother and grandmother, y/n is forced to return home to Gotham…and to the man who broke her heart three years ago. Back in Bruce Wayne’s inescapable orbit, she vows to get to the bottom of her former best friend’s new cold personality. But Bruce’s secrets aren’t what she’s expecting.

a/n: listen I don't wanna talk about the fact that it's been a year since I updated this. And hilariously the last chapter was me being like "maybe I'll keep updating regularly!" IN MY DEFENSE there's not really a defense. But most of the last year has been me working on getting Middle of the Night ready to publish this year (eee!!) Anyways here's a delicious Bruce POV chapter (that's right, not an interlude) for you! And bonus, I have the next chapter written already! Hopefully I can keep the momentum going but as you know well by now...there's no telling what the update schedule will be. Enjoy! Mwah!

Series Masterlist

word count: 2.4k

“I’m so sorry–” he said, the words choked. “I’m so sorry. They have my sister.” 

That’s when she saw the glint of a needle in his hand.

Bruce’s POV

The moment y/n disappeared inside the lobby of Wayne Tower, Bruce made a decision. 

His lips still ached with the memory of hers, his entire body buzzing with a type of adrenaline he’d never experienced before, and he knew what he had to do. 

He had to tell her the truth. All of it. Every gory detail. He had to tell her about Batman, and the Riddler, and the truth of their argument three years ago when he had all but destroyed her. 

He couldn’t let her kiss him like that and not know the truth. It wasn’t fair to her. None of it was fair to her, not really, but she had an image of him in her head that was blatantly untrue and he couldn’t stand the deception any longer. Alfred was right–which Bruce had known, but now it was finally sinking in. 

She would be angry. That much he knew. He knew her almost better than he knew himself, despite the three year separation. She would be angry first by the deception. Then at herself for not being able to figure it out. Then she would be angry, possibly even betrayed, by the fact that he had broken her heart on purpose three years earlier. 

She would be angry, and she would yell, and she might even cry, but he hoped she would forgive him quickly. 

And then maybe, maybe, they could finally put everything behind them. Bruce wanted, more than anything, to simply be her friend again. The rest could come later. 

The way to the entrance tunnel was long, about as far out of the way from Wayne Tower as it could be. Bruce sped through the dark city streets like he was being pursued. The quicker he could catch her, the quicker he could tell her, the quicker he could kiss her again. 

He mentally shook himself. 

No, the quicker they could at the very least get back to being friends. He didn't want to assume that telling her the truth about his feelings meant she would immediately fall into his arms. They had a lot to work out first. 

He knew it wouldn't be that simple once his secrets were out in the open. Both secrets–the fact that he was Batman and the fact that he had broken her heart on purpose three years before, every word out of his mouth designed to effectively push her away. To hurt her. That secret would be much harder to admit to. That one would hurt her the most. 

But he knew her. He knew her. She would be angry, yes, but she would forgive him. Because, despite her prickly exterior and her adeptness at deflecting with humor, she had a big heart and she loved fiercely. 

Bruce barely stopped once he was inside the Wayne Terminus station, only long enough to park the motorcycle and take off his helmet. He tossed the mask onto a table and left the rest of the suit on as he strode towards the elevator. 

If he focused too much on what he was about to do he would chicken out. All he had to do was tell her the truth in the simplest terms possible. The suit would do that part for him, really. Y/n would look at him and know the first of his deepest secrets. 

The second he would have to lay bare for her despite his instincts telling him it would hurt too much. He had to tell her the truth, every bit of it, like lancing an infected wound to drain out the poison. 

His booted foot tapped nervously as the elevator rose slowly, slowly up to the penthouse. Usually the armor brought him to stillness, like he was settling into his bones in the way that he was meant to. But now, helmet off, ready to reveal his secrets to the woman he had loved for half his life, he was an uncomfortable mix of both Bruce Wayne and the Batman. It was like his body wasn't sure how to act with the usually sharply defined lines so blurred. 

The elevator opened and Bruce's pulse leapt. 

This was it. 

The moment of truth, in more ways than one. 

He didn't see her in any of the shared spaces of the kitchen, library, or foyer so he aimed for her room. 

Empty. 

The covers on her bed were tangled into a knot, papers strewn over half the sheets. Her laptop lay closed on top of it all, the only bare space indicating where she slept. Her bathroom door was wide open so he could see at a glance that it, too, was empty. 

Bruce frowned. 

Maybe she was in her grandmother's room? Personally,  he hated even passing his parents' room but y/n had indicated that she was sorting through Dory's things. 

That, too, was empty. 

Bruce's heart started to pound before he could even really parse why. He'd seen her go into the lobby, into the elevator with their night security guard. Ben? No, Blake, that was his name. Maybe she'd finally figured it out, then, after their kiss. Maybe she was waiting in his room to confront him. 

Bruce rushed down the hallway, almost knocking over Alfred as he emerged from the study. 

"Wh–Bruce?" 

Bruce didn't pause. He burst through his bedroom door out of breath like he'd run the whole way home. Alfred followed behind him, calling his name again as he went. 

Empty. 

Bruce spun, cape whirling around him, the panic finally taking root within him, suffocating him. 

"Alfred, where is she?" he demanded, already shoving back out into the hallway. "Where's y/n?" 

"Bruce, what on earth is going on? Where's your mask?" Alfred was hot on his heels as he flew down the hallway to the foyer. 

The elevator was stopped on the third floor. 

The third floor had access to the parking garage. 

Bruce couldn't breathe. 

There was no reason, at this time of night, that the elevator should be stopped on the third floor. 

"Alfred, I dropped y/n off and she got on the elevator nearly fifteen minutes ago. Where is she?" He turned in a tight circle, half expecting her to pop out with a cup of coffee in one hand and a smartass comment ready to tear him a new one. 

Alfred blinked slowly. Bruce saw the realization hit him and sucked in a sharp breath of anguish before Alfred even spoke. "I was in the study the whole time. The elevator never arrived." 

They both burst into action without another word. 

Alfred grabbed his arm to stop him, to make him think through the panic they were both now feeling. "Bruce. Your mask. I'll go downstairs and make inquiries. Meet me down there. I'm sure she's okay. Her cop friend, Martinez, usually works nights." 

But something was wrong. Bruce could feel it, like the charge in the air right before a storm, a pit in his gut that grew with each passing second. He was sure Alfred could sense it too. They locked eyes for a split second and Bruce cursed. Alfred was right. He either needed to go downstairs as Bruce or as Batman, not both. 

And Batman was the only one who could do what needed to be done. 

Bruce took off for the other elevator this time, the one that would take him to the station where his mask was, fully running this time. It was if he was running through syrup, the air thick around him, making him more slow than usual. Like he was trapped in a nightmare. His footsteps thundered across the empty penthouse with a series of echoing booms like his heartbeat played on surround sound. 

His brain kept a constant loop, panic settling into his very bones. 

Where is she where is she where is she where is she where is she 

Twenty minutes. That was about how long it had been since he'd watched her enter that elevator. And with each passing second, her chances of survival grew lower and lower. The Gallos knew who she was. Knew where she lived. And somehow, they'd gotten to her within Wayne Tower. 

It was his fault. All his fault. 

If she had known the truth about Batman, he could have taken her in through the secret tunnels on the back of his motorcycle, like the old days when he was still just Bruce and the station was just a garage full of fun toys and experiments on car engines. There would have been no need for all of the covert machinations to get her into and out of the tower. Instead of disguising herself to get Gordon and meet him on the signal tower, she could have simply gone downstairs. But she didn't know the truth, and it had lured her out of the tower, away from safety. He had lured her away from safety. And in the breach, they had gotten to her. 

And if he had only figured out how someone had gotten in to put that photo in the elevator…none of this would have mattered. Despite the hours spent digging through security cameras and personnel files, he couldn't figure it out. Another failing to add to the list. 

Even amidst the gunfire that night, he had never been so afraid for her. In that situation at least he knew where she was. At least he had been there to save her. Now she was gone, and whoever had her had a twenty minute headstart. Bruce thought he might be sick. The thought that he might already be too late sent bile up his throat. He swallowed hard. 

No, he couldn't think like that. She was smart. She could survive. She would survive, and he would find her. 

He would tear the city apart brick by brick to find her. 

Another thought sobered him as he stepped back into Wayne Tower. 

He would kill for her. 

The thought may have frightened him before, the idea of so easily tossing aside his moral compass. 

But for y/n he would do it without a second thought. 

The realization made his spine straighten as he rode the main elevator down to the lobby. He would stop at nothing–absolutely nothing–to save y/n. 

And then he would make the Gallo family pay. 

When the doors downstairs opened, the lobby was chaos. There were cops everywhere. Gordon was on the phone, right as Bruce felt a vibration from one of the pockets in his belt. Alfred was gesticulating wildly. Martinez burst inside the front doors and shook his head at Gordon. 

No one noticed Bruce come off of the elevator until he stood right next to Gordon. 

"That was fast," Gordon said when he noticed him, hanging up the phone. 

"Saw the commotion," Bruce said, the words a growl, his jaw so tight with tension it threatened to snap. 

"Y/n's missing–and so is the night guard, Blake. No one saw them leave." Gordon pointed at Martinez and opened his mouth to speak again, but Bruce was striding back towards the elevator. 

He pressed the button for the third floor, where the elevator had been paused before Alfred came downstairs. Right before the doors closed, Gordon, Alfred, Martinez, and a female detective all piled inside with him. Bruce stepped back to make room and his boot crunched on something. 

He bent to pick it up, everyone scrambling to make room for him. 

A syringe. 

Bile burned its way up his throat again. 

"Shit," Gordon said. 

Martinez peered around him. "Oh no." 

Alfred met Bruce's gaze and neither of them had to say a word. The syringe in Bruce's hand began to shake. He clenched his fist tightly to stop it. 

The doors opened to the third floor. The exit to the parking garage was right next to it. 

They didn't even have to search. Blake huddled on the floor against the door, his teeth chattering audibly. He looked up when the group surrounded him. His eyes sought Alfred first, the face most familiar to him, then Gordon and finally to Bruce. 

He gulped and all of the blood drained from his face at the sight of the Batman before him. "I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. They have my sister. They told me to grab her and bring her here. I'm sorry." The last apology was a broken sob. 

Bruce had no patience for it. 

He dragged the boy up by the scruff of his neck and slammed him into the concrete wall with single minded focus. He ignored the commotion around him, the hands grabbing at his forearm to drag him away. He was immovable as the concrete surrounding him. 

The boy before him choked, more from fear than any pressure actually on his windpipe. Bruce was angry and panicked, but he had never been more clear headed. He wouldn't kill the boy, not when the Gallos had so expertly intimidated him.

But that did not mean Bruce had to be gentle. 

"Where did they take her?" He sounded more animal than man, his voice low and deadly. 

"I don't know, I don't know!" The words were a panicked shriek. "They just gave me the drugs said to bring her in here! They threw her in the trunk!" 

Bruce shook him a little. The boy was crying. In any other situation, Bruce might have felt bad. But all he had space for now was y/n, saving her, getting her back in one piece. "What kind of car?" The boy's nails scrabbled uselessly at Bruce's forearm, his eyes darting around wildly for help. 

"A gray Honda, an old one, they faked an employee sticker. They had me cut all the security cameras I have access too. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. They told me they'd kill my sister!" At least he was giving up all the information Bruce needed. 

But it wasn't enough.

Bruce snarled wordlessly and knocked the boy out with one punch. It didn't lessen the pressure in his veins. He needed to hit something. Needed to feel flesh and bone give way under his fists. Needed to let the anger out until y/n was safe in his arms. 

"What the hell, man?!" Gordon demanded as he scrambled for the now-unconscious boy. Bruce barely spared Alfred a glance but knew the man wasn't protesting his methods like everyone else. Gordon continued, voice angry, "We need more information from him! We need to see about rescuing his sister too, dammit!" 

"I'll start to go over the footage and see if we can get a license plate," Alfred said. 

"The kid might have had that!" Gordon was furious, his hand resting on his gun. 

All Bruce said was, "Put out a BOLO." And then he was gone into the night.

Next Chapter

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[holysh1ft]

i have a bunch of new thoughts on the age old question of why "small" stuff manifests but "big" stuff doesn't. so, hopefully, i'll be able to write up that post this weekend.

this is all old story but basically there's something i've been trying to manifest for what feels like forever (there is no time; there's only me). but i was constantly feeling like i had to fight against this old state of consciousness, and no matter what i did or how much i affirmed or flipped thoughts or did anything of the things "you're supposed to do," i could never get the needle to budge on this thing. it's a health-related issue, and maybe i'll go into details one day, but they really don't matter. this is just one of my big three of things that i've been "trying to manifest."

in the past few weeks, as i identified more and more with I AM over the physical, limited self, i suddenly one day just so easily slipped into the consciousness of the person who was free from this health issue, and immediately, things started changing. literally a 75% reduction in symptoms overnight, and i wasn't perturbed at all when my awareness went onto them or the old story because i knew i was the person who was just fine and totally normal.

well, i was getting a little overly confident, and because i was less diligent about maintaining my new identity as I AM over anything, i was slowly slipping back into identifying as my physical self. i didn't even really notice it until i was telling my friend about how i was doing a lot better, but all it took was a few panicked thoughts about this new progress "not being permanent" and BAM. all this old mess reappeared but hours later. worse, i felt like i was stuck once again and unable to connect with the easeful state of consciousness of being a person who was totally healthy. i tried meditating, affirming, saturating, etc., but i couldn't get back into my desired state.

i won't lie; i was very frustrated, and i had to spend a hot second letting all that frustration out and kicking myself for "losing my progress." the silver lining i could hold onto though was that i knew it was possible for me to shift out of my unideal identity and shift into my ideal—something i hadn't accomplished before. and i'd seen how instant the shift was on the physical plane, too.

so, i got thinking about "what worked" vs. everything else i had been doing before, and ofc, it came down to who i identified myself as. now, i know i did it once, so that means i can do it again. what did that lead me back to? I AM. i feel like this was all meant to happen this way because i've had this same pattern happen before—manifesting then fearing it wasn't permanent or "real enough" and everything coming right back two seconds later because manifestation is instant. what i most seek to free myself from is these undesired patterns over any specific physical circumstance, like going for the skeleton key instead of trying to open just one door.

anyway, hoping to have another more in-depth post for you based on all this soon. i'll be back when i've got a chance to collect my thoughts more, but perhaps this bit of story time might help someone else identify a pattern within themselves, too. cheers.

[wren-writes-stuff]

Of Lattes and Lab Rats: Chapter 5- Pancakes

(See here for masterlist and warnings. This story is 18+!!!!)

When Jayce knocks on your apartment door at 10:00 am the next day, there's no answer. Brows furrowing slightly, he tries again. Still nothing. He begins to worry. Is he too late? He knew you said "tomorrow morning," but you didn't actually establish a time. He avoided coming too early; he wasn't sure what time you normally awoke.

However, another thought occurred to him: were you okay?

He hesitated a moment, his hand on the silver doorknob; he didn't want to overstep a boundary by entering uninvited. Fuck it, he decided; safety was more important.

Surprisingly, it gave way immediately; it was unlocked. His heartbeat quickened; that might mean bad news. He cracked the door open slowly, just daring to stick his head in.

"Hello?" He tried softly. Your apartment was silent. He looked around, looking for any sign of trouble.

The loft was small, but cozy looking. A too-large , worn looking couch filled the living room, draped with pillows and blankets. A fireplace sat opposite, cold and empty; several brightly colored knickknacks and photo frames lined the mantelpiece. The bookshelf beside it was bursting at the seams with potted plants, and dusty old books that looked like they hadn't been touched in a long time. An ornate wooden clock tick tick ticked on the wall. Books, papers, pencils, and pens were strewn about the coffee table; and there, on the far side of the room, snoring softly in a chair under the window, was...you.

He took a moment to consider his options; he could come back later, to avoid disturbing you; but he didn't want to offend you again by ruining your plans. Despite his overwhelming fatigue, he could tell you were annoyed yesterday. He felt terrible.

Alright, then; hopefully you wouldn’t be too upset with him for waking you up.

"Hello?" He tried again, a little more loudly this time. You sat up abruptly, startled and bleary-eyed.

"Wuh- Jayce?" You asked, sleep dripping from your voice. "Oh my god. What day is it?"

Jayce chuckled at the absurdity of your question.

“Um, it’s Saturday. Can…can I come in?”

"Y-yes, I'm so sorry. Please, come in. Make yourself at home. Oh, god..." you stand up, running a had through your messy hair. "I'm so sorry. I meant to clean up last night, but I- oh my god I'm not even dressed."

"Please, don't apologize. I'm the one who barged in on you. Um, sorry about that by the way. I was just um...well, I got a little worried," he admitted. You look up at him, confused.

'Worried?" You repeat. Jayce fidgets with his hands, equally embarrassed.

"Well, I...you didn't answer when I knocked. I thought maybe...something might have happened. But, I shouldn't have let myself in uninvited like that. It won't happen again." He felt timid- timid? Jayce Talis? Where had is confidence gone? He felt unlike himself. Maybe you just had that effect on him. Or maybe he was just scared of offending you again. He cleared his throat.

“Well, anyway. Did you still want to go out with me today? I can wait outside while you get ready.”

You look him up and down, wide-eyed.

"No!" You exclaim, "No, that's okay. You can wait in here. Um...here, I'll put the kettle to boil while I get dressed, and we can have tea while we plan our day." You stare at the ground and head into the kitchen before Jayce has a chance to say anything else, and you don't see him staring at you when you turn away. He takes a moment to look around some more, trying to take his mind off how good your ass looked in the tiny pajama shorts you were wearing.

The books on your shelf look to be mostly fiction; science fiction, he gathered. The few non-fiction books appeared to detail the works of various famous artists, or contained instructions for different painting techniques. Speaking of which; you'd fallen asleep at your easel. His eyes darted over to the spot he'd found you in, and he decided a little more snooping couldn't hurt. He made his way over to the window, inching past the gargantuan sofa, and examined the overly large canvas.

It was splattered with bright, vivid colors, swirling and twisting abstractly. Across the top left corner, and guiding down to the bottom right one in an arc, appeared to be gold vines of some sort. It almost looked like real gold; upon closer inspection, some of it really was gold foil. It almost appeared to be glowing in the morning light pouring into the room, and Jayce found himself slack jawed. It was beautiful.

"Oh, shit."

Jayce turned towards the source of the quiet voice and found you, eyes the size of dinner plates. Your face was decorated with a deep blush that never seemed to leave, and you had a steaming mug in each hand. Your hair had been brushed out, and tied up; shimmery eyeshadow decorated your lids, lipgloss on your (in Jayce's eyes, perfect) lips, and you were wearing an earthy-brown dress. It was cinched at the waist, and layered atop a white-collared shirt with bell-shaped sleeves. Even with the high-heeled boots laced up to your knees, you still weren't as tall as him. Jayce realized he'd been staring at you, and looked back at the painting instead.

"It's beautiful," he said. "I thought you said you weren't an artist?"

You hand him his cup, and he takes it gratefully.

"I'm not," you say, "Not yet. I don't paint nearly as often as a real artist. I don't have the time, or the energy. And I-I've never been to art school. I don't actually know anything about making art. I just sort of...slap paint on a canvas and call it a day. Hah...anyway. Are you hungry?"

Jayce wants to talk more about your work, but he recognizes your attempt to change the subject and complies. "Very," he says with a smile. You smile back at him, and it makes his heart flutter.

"Alright then. Come on, I'll make us some pancakes." You turn towards the kitchen, and he follows suit.

The kitchen is just as cramped as the living room, but no less cozy. More potted plants line the tops of your cabinets, leaves and vines cascading downwards; almost like a curtain. Copper pots and pans hung from a rack on the ceiling, and he tried not to bonk his head against them as he entered. Jars full of fruit preserves, honey, flour, and oils crowd the counter tops. It was clean, but very cluttered. Jayce took a chair at your tiny kitchen table, shifting uncomfortably. His legs were much too long for such a cramped space.

"So...you like to cook?" He says, trying to make conversation.

You smile shyly, eyes crinkling in the corners, and shrug. "Yeah, I do." You busy yourself at the counter, gathering ingredients and tools. "It's a good creative outlet when I don't have the energy to paint. Takes less mental work but with all the satisfaction. And, I spend all day making things for other people. It's a nice way to refill my own cup, so to speak." Jayce hears a loud sizzle as you drop butter into the pan, and soon the whole apartment is filled with the sweet scent of fresh pancakes.

Jayce sips his tea, enjoying the ambience. He listens to you humming softly, and gazes out of the window over the sink. He hopes he gets a chance to get used to this.

Much sooner than he anticipated, you set a plate of blueberry pancakes in front of him- perfectly golden brown, crispy on the edges, and topped with fresh sweet cream. Jayce feels his mouth watering just looking at it. "Oh my god. This looks amazing." He makes eye contact with you, and you hold his gaze for a moment, happiness written all over your face. Your eyes are beautiful, he realizes. The late morning sun almost makes them glow.

"I hope they taste as good as they look," you joke, breaking the moment. Jayce takes a bite and almost feel himself melt.

"Holy shit, yes." It's almost rude the way he wolfs them down. He doesn't see you trying not to stare with a laugh caught in your throat.

"So," you say, and he looks up at you, cheeks puffy and stuffed with food, "How'd you come to work at the academy?"

Jayce takes another second to chew, swallow, sit up straight, and dab his mouth with a napkin; as if he wasn't just eating like a dog. "Well, I already told you I graduated there last year. Actually, I almost got expelled. Exiled, even, for tinkering with magic." Your eyebrows shot up in surprise, but he keeps going. "Well...with Viktor's help, I was able to convince the council to let me stay and keep working on our project- we call it Hextech. The bridge between science and the arcane. Mostly, we want to use it to help people in the Undercity- where Viktor is from. People choking on their own air, everyday. Overworked, underpaid, living on the streets with no access to food or medicine. It's terrible. And if the council isn't going to help them, somebody has to." He takes another sip of his tea, lukewarm by now.

"This sounds pretty important to you. I think it's wonderful that you want to help people. Do you really think it could work though? Using magic, I mean? I thought only mages could do such things." You're fiddling with one of your earrings, fingers tapping on the table. You seem...nervous? Jayce nods.

"I've seen it with my own eyes. I was saved by a mage, once. He gave me this-" he unbuckles the leather bracelet he always wears, ladened with a cobalt blue gemstone, and holds it up for you to see. "I know it was for a reason."

"And you think this is it?" You ask; not judgmentally, but your tone is hesitant as you look over the cuff. Jayce is used to this kind of reaction from people, by now.

"I know it seems farfetched, but this isn't science fiction. It's real. We're almost at the finish line." He slides the bracelet back on, and fiddles with his fork. His plate is practically sparkling clean- he'd scraped everything off it, and he almost wants to ask for more. The expression on your face changes to something softer, and he feels a coil wind in his stomach.

"Wow," you say, almost breathless, "beauty, brains, brawn, and you're charitable . You sure are a wonder, Jayce. How'd I land a date with a guy like you?"

He blushes at your forwardness. "I could ask the same question," he flirts back. You snicker, and Jayce is glad to find he flatters you as much as you do him.

"Alright, the day's almost half over. Should we plan our activities?" You ask, standing to gather the dishes.

"We could," Jayce replies, "or we could go for a walk and see where the day takes us?"

You turn on the tap, pretending to mull it over while you wash your plates. "Hmm...I suppose I could put up with that." You grin at him, without any of your previous shyness. Jayce feels himself growing more comfortable in your presence as well.

"Alright then. Would you life help cleaning up?" He offers, trying to avoid staring at you.

"That's okay, but thank you. I'm pretty much done anyway." You dry your hands with a bright yellow tea towel. 'Let me grab my purse, and we can head out."

'Sure," Jayce says, smiling. He finds himself doing that a lot, with you. You return it in kind, and the warm fuzzy feeling in his chest travels to his fingertips, making them twitch slightly. You turn to retrieve your purse from your bedroom, leaving Jayce in the quiet comfort of your kitchen. Today's gonna be a good one, he thinks.

[kobold-that-bites-people]

dunno if this will get to anyone that it's relevant to, but as a transfem that's had bottom surgery (a rather standard penile inversion vaginoplasty) and is mostly recovered at this point, i'd like to give a few notes on my experience. hopefully it reaches some people who are considering and would be helped by such anecdotes. anyway, in no particular order,

it's major surgery. recovery is gonna suck about the same as other major surgeries. that said, a lot of the discomfort is frontloaded. in my case, i experienced about 2/3 of the pain i could attribute to recovery over the last six months, in the first week. the sheer drop in pain once the catheter came out alone was night and day. the first week was miserable though, you *need* someone, ideally multiple someones, who can look after you through that stage. (if you are in the green lands of not america, or just are well funded, many hospitals will look after you for the first week or so, but as a broke american i was only in hospital for about a day and a half. maybe two days, memory is a little fuzzy from the opiates (which i stopped almost as soon as i got out of the hospital, the brain fog from opiates is real)

it's been said other places, but it is really likely you will experience a lot of emotions during recovery. this can take a lot of forms, but in my case i had to grapple with a lot of "doubts" about if it was even what i wanted, if it was worth it to me, if it even looked natural enough, and so on. part of that is just that it's a major change in your body image, so doubts are normal and expected. part of it is that after major physical trauma like surgery, your body will amplify a lot of emotions intensely. try not to listen to the dysphoria talking when things still need to heal. the difference between a week from the surgery and a couple months later is *massive*.

this might be obvious to a lot of people, but for people like me that have only ever been even slightly intimate with partners that have cocks, pussies come in a *lot* of shapes. the very limited range depicted in a lot of common art and porn and games and so on, is simply not a representative sample of all the shapes that a pussy can be. despite my anxieties over my own, every person that has seen it so far has either had explicit compliments, or at least backhanded ones about how "normal" it looks.

despite how cautious doctors will be about promising function, it is entirely possible you'll have every function you might expect from a natal vagina. i get a not insignificant amount of self lubrication, can feel everything better than i dared hope for, and despite having to completely relearn what motions work for it i can reliably reach orgasms just as well as i could pre-op. that said, i don't self lubricate quite as much as *some* cis women manage. it's usually enough for fingering myself, but if i wanted to use a toy, or be penetrated by a partner, it simply isn't reasonable to go without generous lube. mostly because while i have some self-lubrication, it isn't exactly produced *quickly*, and friction can quickly dry it up, especially outside my entrance.

dilation can be many things, but it's usually mostly just tedious. it hurt *some* at the start, but once the swelling went down it generally only hurt as i went up a size. nowadays i only feel a miniscule amount of pain with the stretch as i work my largest dilator in, and that fades within about 30 seconds. the better you are at getting it done reliably, the less it will hurt. missing a session, especially earlier in recovery, will be *felt* the next time you dilate.

if you are open about your having had bottom surgery, or end up hospitalized from complications thereof, (as i did, i'll spare the medical details) there are a lot of people that will try to justify wanting to see, for motives that i'll leave as an exercise to the reader to deduce. such people will include doctors, nurses, and plenty of people with more spurious motives. i've had more people barge in on me while i was dilating within the last months since i had bottom surgery, than ever barged in on me while i was masturbating in the earlier 26 years of my life. *please* be aware that part of being perceived as "more a woman" is that you will likely experience more such attentions, in the various forms that takes. sometimes positive it is true, but usually not.

[after-nine-at-the-oasis]

Little post for The Rookie 7x15!!

Crazy episode o.o!! Great to see Abigail again :D, though it's too bad her and Henry broke up :(. Glad it's amicable though. And glad she's okay <33!

I made a few small liveblogging posts so I won't talk too much about the case, but it was crazy o.o Glad they figured it out, but gosh if this helps Glasser 😬😑

Also poor Bob xd 😭

Wesley and Angela bickering lol 🥰 also nice to see some more lawyer Wesley :D. Also nice to see Angela's perspective with this as a not immediately going for that solution but willing to believe it person, compared to Celina or most of the others (on opposite ends of the spectrum).

Nyla was also great at her job (they all were), I just hope all this stuff with Glasser doesn't come back to bite her too much o.o 😭

Also Grey with the "he was shot six times 😐" xD loved it lol, so casual

Chenford developments O.O!!! 👀👀 Oooh okay :))). They definitely needed that just straight up honesty, but it's too bad it had to come from being drugged xd. I knew they shouldn't have been touching that wall thoughh 😭😬🙄 xD. Wild that it wasn't even just plain truth serum either, in the end o.o. Also Lucy immediately going in and asking Tim embarrassing questions was crazy xD iconic frankly. Also their drugged wandering around speeding through cutting back to Tim talking about his dad was crazy lol 💀. But it needed to be said, and he likely never would have said it otherwise xD, so like I said, good thing just unfortunate lol. I'm sure he probably would've admitted it some day but still xdd. Anyway, also good for Lucy to know her own feelings 👀👀. We'll see what happens there I suppose lol :D.

Also it was funny how the guy kept losing more and more of his interviewees as he went on xDD he had like Wesley, Angela, Nyla, and maybe Celina left by the end lol.

SHANE AND RYAN??!? WHAT WERE THEY DOING HERE?? XDD I don't even watch them but that was crazy lol. And then leaving some of the supernatural stuff up to interpretation was cool :)) (the show I mean - and by some I mean some was explained and some wasn't, but in a specific and obvious way not like missed something). They were great though xD

It was sweet of Nolan to go for Abigail's documentary :')) :). Also Rodge being there too was XD. Like involved in all that lol. My TV did cut out a bit around when he was first there and like another time early on but it wasn't plot relevant, just little details lol. I'll check later :). Anyway, fun times 🥰. And I'm glad they're all okay :')). Also, thank you Celina for believing Shane and Ryan!! I was thinking that it would somehow be Abigail getting on their radio signal, but didn't expect her to be literally trapped inside the wall O.O. Too bad she didn't know to kick that down xd. Also, the 666 thing o.o. And Zuzu being back in general (plus the connection to the girls :O) 😬. But I will say for the 666 thing, that's a pretty basic creepy number for it to say lol, and it was Section 6 room 6 or whatever, with another 6 painted on there xD obviously some rando couldn't have since it was sealed up but yk. Also I thought it was the other room that Abigail was in but anyway xD.

Super fun episode overall!! I always love these ones lol :D. They are unfairly hated on IMDb let me tell you lol xd. I'm glad everyone's okay 🥰! Also next episode looks O.O I'm sure Seth has some reasoning and I don't absolutely despise him but I was out loud like "oh gosh not him 🙄🙄" because he's just so stressful 😭 like my guy just stop lying xd. I assume he'll end up helping somehow but we'll see lol. Also be careful not to be like- idk reverse of preferential treatment to him, for lawsuits and all that xd. Anyway! Hopefully that all works out and everyone's okay 😬. And maybe he'll get some kind of slight redemption arc, but we'll see! I will say I wasn't expecting to see him back in the FTO program, though back I suspected xD. Turns out he coincidentally just got cancer for real again, or maybe he pleaded that he didn't know he didn't xd, and got medical discrimination? Idk lol. But! I'm excited nonetheless :). And I'm sure it'll end up okay :D. Anyway, this episode was great, I really enjoyed it 🥰. Also I asked my dad if he wanted to watch with me since he'd been watching stuff and I was like "I don't usually watch it live but figured I might as well, I can do it on the other TV if you want though", and he did watch with me :D! So that was fun :). He's seen clips and stuff and I've told him some stuff about the Rookie, and he has considered watching it, but just never gotten around to it. Maybe he will now lol :)! Though this of course was not a traditional episode xD. Still, I think it's a good exception not a bad one :) Also turns out I know Glasser from Fringe and I didn't even know it :O (my dad pointed it out). Huh :)!

Anyway xD! Amazing episode :D. Glad I got to watch live :)) 🥰. See y'all later!

[autisticrosewilson]

Todd Family Tree pt. 1

I know you guys have been waiting with baited breath for this (Read: no one but me and a handful of select mutuals care), but fret not because it's finally here.

Let's start with the side of Jason's family we know the most about, Willis's. A lot of things I'll have to say about Willis himself will be things I've said before with maybe some new additions, but a lot of the focus will be on his relationships with his family anyway so hopefully it won't get too repetitive.

Someone on my last Todd Family post commented that the Ma Gunn aspect may have been retconned, however I already integrated it into my personal canon so let's just keep going shall we?

Also shout-out to @perseus-jackass who let me ramble to them about all of this and helped me iron out some of the finer details!

The Todd/Gunn Family; Canon:

- Willis reportedly named Jason after his father, Jason Todd Sr.

- Faye Gunn II is the niece of Willis which implies Willis has at least one sibling that is never mentioned, although Faye was either raised by or very close to Ma

- Faye was named after Ma implying that whichever sibling she was raised by was close to Ma

- Assuming Gunn is her maiden name, or perhaps an alias, she didn't keep her husband's last name and Jason Sr. Is never mentioned, which could mean that they split or that he's dead

- Obviously from a meta textual stand point the reason Ma Gunn was never mentioned as Jason's grandmother is because it was a later retcon, but in universe this and Willis's choice to keep his father's last name implies he wasn't fond of his mother/was closer to his father

Sub note: The candidates for Jason's mother included Lady Shiva (I'll get into my thoughts on her in Part 3) and an Israeli woman. Edit: @ammomancer informed me that Jason was Spanish (Basque specifically) in the Bombshells continuity as well!

- Ma was implied to be from Australia, and likely taught there for a time.

- Ma implied that she had sons, and possibly that they're dead. (I have obviously disregarded this, but I'm not against the interpretation that one or both of the girls are trans.)

So my version of Jason is black/Asian/Latino! I think he's Japanese/Indian from his mom and black/Latino from Willis so keep that in mind.

Fleshing Them Out; My Expansion:

I'll start with Ma Gunn, since we see the most of her in the comics and she has the most groundwork laid for her already. Mostly I'd like to make her a little more complex.

She's proven to be a ruthlessly pragmatic character, but I don't see her being someone who does what she does for fun. She's someone who values control, someone who doesn't take perceived slights lightly. I imagine growing up a woman on Gotham's streets with so many relations to organized crime builds grit, spawns bitterness and hate. She seems like the type to value tradition - in the Gotham crime family way- this is how she was raised and the way she raised her own children. There is no changing the world they live in, only surviving it. I think she really wanted to teach her kids, both the ones she birthed and the ones she fosters, how to survive.

That's not to say she really cares though, I don't think she's close enough to anyone to really care, even if maybe in the early days of motherhood she wanted to be. She's a stone cold bitch and she's proud of it, she made her kids strong and look at the reputation it's given her. Ma Gunn's school for wayward boys isn't just for strays anymore, there are some big names dropping their brats off for training these days. Crime lord daycare. Truly, only in Gotham.

Jason Todd Sr. Is a non-character. We know basically nothing but his name and that his marriage failed, and he's probably very dead. Which may or may not be related to said failed marriage.

Do I think Ma hired a hit on her husband? I wouldn't put it past her. I think she'd get rid of anyone if they were dragging her or the family down.

We can assume he was close to Willis, and I like to think that Mr. Todd was the homemaker because I can't really imagine Ma staying home to tend the kids. It's more likely her version of family bonding was a bank heist. Willis may have very well learned to drive from high speed car chases.

I think it would be very funny if Mr. Todd is from some third or fourth rate crime family that's using a mechanic shop as a front but Mr. Todd was actually really interested in it so he got an engineering degree and had little to nothing to do with the actual crime side of things. Maybe his family married him off to make him someone else's problem and while the Gunn's aren't a notable crime family they have a lot of resources and a lot of contacts, not to mention the small army of feral children.

Ma thought she was getting a seasoned criminal to help fund her illicit activities but instead he's a stay at home dad who has turned their home into a board game because he insists on fixing it all himself (if you use the microwave the doorbell might ring and you need a screw driver to use the shower ect.)

A lot of the experiences I associate Jason having with Willis I imagine Willis had with Mr. Todd, doing homework together, working on cars in the garage, Willis definitely learned how to cook from Mr. Todd because I just don't think Ma can do better than hamburger helper and public school lunch.

For the sibling situation, and I have no real evidence canon has completely left the building with this one, but I think he has sisters. Middle child Willis and also boy who grew up with all sisters Willis is real to me for reasons I couldn't say.

Completely made both of them up, but this is my house I can do what I want.

I'll start with the oldest sister, who I've decided to call Celia. I think she's the closest to her mother, the one who took over after her. Probably a serious, studious kind of person, she grew up with more opportunities than Ma did so she probably had more schooling. I can definitely see Celia as someone who worked her ass off to bring home good grades to make her mom proud and always falling short because Ma didn't really value traditional education.

Her and Willis definitely clashed growing up, Willis never liked Ma but Celia idolized her. Where Ma's crude demeanor and distance drove Willis to acts of rebellion it made Celia even more desperate to please.

Although I'm sure Willis would deny it, I think it's still a sore spot to him that Celia's way kind of worked. Once she got old enough to really learn about the business Celia was great at it, Ma started coming around to the benefits of having someone better with the numbers and paperwork.

I think that even after Willis leaves he genuinely tries to keep in touch with everyone, I don't think he ever stops trying to reach out to Celia. I don't think he agrees with who she became even if he saw it coming, regardless of how much he doesn't like their mother (he'd never say he hates her) Celia is still the girl who put bandaids on his scraped knees and let him crawl into her bed when he had nightmares and he can't bring himself to cut contact with her.

Celia is nicer than Ma, more adept at caring for the kids and because of this she earns their trust more which ultimately makes them more loyal to the Gunn's. This is a purposeful tactic because although she does see the kids as her own she doesn't see anything wrong with manipulating them for her gain. They're family, and family always want to help each other.

Jason was not allowed to visit his auntie, and didn't even know his grandmother was still alive.

I don't think she'd have a husband or boyfriend, a romantic relationship would take too much attention away from her business and if there's one thing she learned from her mother it's that a man would only drag her down or try to control her.

Willis is, to the surprise of no one, is who I have the most to say about but I'll try to keep it brief. For all he gets a bad rep I think he's a family man at heart, I'm positive he always planned on kids even if he wasn't sure about settling down with anyone at first.

Mostly because his mom kept trying to arrange marriages which is how he ended up dating Sheila for a time...which obviously didn't work out. One could say he wasn't keen on a repeat performance after that fell apart.

Man whore I fear, Gotham's fourth most bisexual man. Where's that one post about the goon who causes a distraction for his boss by making out with the bank teller and his wife. That's literally him Willis Todd ghost wrote that post. I'll get more into his various relationships in Part 3.

This man was born to tell dad jokes and wear funky ties but he's forced to live a life of violence and crime. Because of poverty and generational trauma.

I think the most tragic part of Willis Todd is that he tried. He loved his wife and he loved Jason and he gave everything he had to providing for them so Jason wouldn't have to grow up like he did but it ended the same anyway. And he'd never be disappointed in Jason, although Jason thinks he would, because home knows his son and he knows Jason wouldn't do it unless he really thought he was helping people.

I know everyone holds the opinion that Catherine was the most serious about Jason's school but I argue it's Willis, Cathy taught Jason to love learning but Willis taught him the importance of it. I think Willis always got good grades but he never went to college because part of ditching his family was ditching their money and most of what he made went towards supporting himself.

I've named the youngest sister Joan, and I think it's important to define her relationships more than her personality for reasons I'll get into in a bit.

For continuity's and sake I'll say she was a pre-teen when Willis moved out at 18-19, which would give her a large gap between both Willis and Celia - who I imagine are maybe two or three years apart - age wise. So while Willis likely tried to take care of her, to influence her away from their mom and sister, I don't think he was super fond of being at home to begin with so I don't think he was around much and I think Mr. Todd died not long after she was born so she didn't really have the gentle hand that Wills did growing up.

This left her with little to rely on but Ma and Celia, it was a real rock and hard place. Ma is honest in her ruthlessness at least, but Celia uses her love as a tool for manipulation. I'm sure she grew up right beside the other kids at Ma's school.

So I think it's no wonder that when she found herself with a baby she had no clue how to take care of, it was very easy for her mom and sister to convince her to give the baby over. Easy for Joan to decide that her daughter was in better hands with Celia as her mother.

And then Joan...vanished. No note, no phone call, no body. Most suspect it was Ma who did it, even though the woman had her kids - former and present - rip the city apart looking for her. No one knows the full story, and no one knows Joan Gunn's whereabouts.

Well, no one except Willis Todd, not that anyone else knows that.

Faye Gunn II has a lot of potential. I think there's a chance for her to parallel Jason. They both grew up on the streets and both have affiliations with organized crime, but where Faye is comfortable perpetuating the cycle of violence expected of the Gunn women Jason spends every night busting his ass to make sure another kid never has to go through what he did.

I also think it would be fun if maybe Faye wasn't entirely human, y'know give her a little bit of meta gene as a treat. Beast Boy isn't using the name Changeling anymore and I've long subscribed to Gotham operating by faerie rules so maybe she can borrow it for a few issues.

I don't have many thoughts on her as is but I'd like to do more with her in the future!

This got really long and I'm certain it will only get longer with the next additions. The next part will focus on the Clemens/Johnson family! Catherine Todd lovers stay tuned for part 2. Remember that all of this is just how I view them based on the cookie crumbs we get about them in canon.

[nekole-doodles]

*slams open door* @mcytblraufest

IT'S FINALLY POSTING WEEK FOR THE MCYTBLR AU FEST!!! YOU GUYS HAVE NO IDEA NOW LONG I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT! Anyway, here's the art I submitted:

So, this is from my Rebirth DSMP AU based on the webtoon Rebirth! I haven't talked about it on here but it's definitely one of my favorite AUs :D For those who have read Rebirth, Wilbur takes Noah's place and Tommy takes Neo's place(and yes, they are brothers in this AU).

Also, it was an absolute pleasure to work with lemon_doodles(I don't know their Tumblr :']) and @deathshadowrules!!

Here's the link to deathshadowrules's fic:

And if lemon_doodles wants me to add the link to their fic, I'll reblog this with the link :>

Here's some info on this AU for a bit more context(this is pretty long btw):

(Also, quick note: The fanfics have a different interpretations of this AU and the information the art provided so the details might not line up)

Again, this is an AU heavily based on the webtoon Rebirth, I recommend it, it's really interesting :)

There are themes of time travel/time loops, zombies/zombie apocalypse, superpowers, and this is also a modern AU.

The world ended on November 16th(date idea credits to deathshadowrules) when during a solar eclipse, everyone on Earth passed out for an unexplainable reason and when they woke up the next day, half of those people became zombies, later referred to as the Undead due to them having abilities that exceed the zombies typically depicted in media. This day became known as Armageddon. Along with the rise of the Undead, some of the remaining humans gained abilities/superpowers.

Summary: Wilbur had experienced this apocalyptic world and survived for 6 years. In the later part of those 6 years, he ended up letting Tommy, his brother who he disregarded for years before Armageddon, get captured(I think by the military) for experimentation due to his unique abilities and body. (I'm trying not to spoil too much of Rebirth so some of this is vague TvT) He regretted this decision greatly because he found that he still cared a lot about Tommy, despite their relationship not being great over the years, so he decided to save Tommy from the experimentation. In doing so, he died right after he freed Tommy from the test tube he was being kept in, wishing he had one more chance to fix his mistakes, mainly to make sure that Tommy will remain safe and to (hopefully) mend their long-broken relationship. Then, Wilbur wakes up on November 15th, the day before Armageddon began, which was 6 years ago. He had traveled back in time after he died. He realized that this was his chance to save Tommy. Little did Wilbur know that Tommy has been in a sort of timeloop where once he dies in one timeline, he goes back in time near the start of Armageddon and starts another timeline.

Extra Details Time!

When Wilbur got sent back in time after his death, he got a white streak in his hair with a few gold strands(in the art, it literally just looks blonde because I messed up and couldn't fix it, I tried ahdkshj) Also, I was originally going to make one of Wilbur's eyes gold but I totally forgot while coloring and couldn't go back to fix it. Btw, the whole thing with the gold hair strands, butterflies, text, and eye makes more sense if you read Rebirth but I don't know how to explain it.

Wilbur and Tommy are not biologically related to Phil and Techno but Wilbur is still very close with them. He's known Phil and Techno since he was young and treated them more like family than his actual family. Tommy never really interacted much with Phil and Techno and honestly kind of avoided them. He didn't really know why he avoided those two, maybe because he was salty that Wilbur was always more friendly to them than to him. But otherwise, Tommy feels pretty neutral towards them and gains more respect for them throughout Armageddon due to how stable their living situation is for the end of the world(they've got a good base and everything. Their roles are based on the Blanche family)

Wilbur's wife is Sally, but unfortunately, she's a pretty self-centered person and attempts to hide this but her actions really expresses this fact. She takes the place of Parish, for those who read the webtoon, and I deeply apologize.

Fundy is Wilbur and Sally's son. He doesn't really like Tommy but they start being a bit less aggressive towards each other as the story progresses. He takes Abel's place.

Wilbur's ability is advanced fire manipulation instead of blood manipulation like Noah from Rebirth. Since Noah's blood manipulation has an unbelievable amount of possibilities, I kind of had to twist the possibilities of fire manipulation so that Wilbur's abilities are still able to fill the role they need to. If you want to get a good idea of a way Wilbur uses his fire manipulation, think like- Colonel Mustang's flame alchemy from Fullmetal Alchemist but instead of using alchemy, Wilbur causes his fire to burst.

Schlatt takes Ian's role and is just as much of a prick but him and Wilbur aren't brothers. Schlatt is a businessman that comes from a family that is close with Wilbur's, so they've known each other since they were kids(they were introduced to each other at a young age in the hopes they would be friendly enough to be able to work closely with each other). They were sort of friends before Schlatt became a prick but Wilbur still had to deal with him because he is a genuinely good businessman for the company(btw, I should probably mention that Wilbur owns a pretty big business, for those who don't have that context from Rebirth. Idk if the business will be the same or if I'll change it to fit Wilbur better)

Tubbo is Schlatt's son(from a previous marriage) but Schlatt is a pretty distant father because he doesn't really care. Tubbo takes Iva's place but has a different personality because he's older than Iva, and therefore, less innocent.

Quackity is married to Schlatt but he isn't Schlatt's first partner. A few months into the marriage, Quackity began regretting the marriage but felt like he couldn't end it. He takes Lena's place but him and Tubbo act more like close friends. They're both happy with their friendship and don't feel the need to push it to "family". Quackity still takes care of Tubbo though since Schlatt definitely isn't :/

Niki takes Li's place but is a bit less emotionless/cold. Her ability is being able to control water and its temperature(basically waterbending). Also, since people usually ship Noah and Li, I would just like to specify that Niki and Wilbur are friends and only friends.

Some ages(these are still a work in progress though): Wilbur- 26/28, Tommy- 14, Fundy- ~8-10, Tubbo- 14, Niki- 21/22

I think that's enough lore dumping for today :| This AU is still a big work in progress but I'm having so much fun with it!

[stolitzsings]

💖, 🖋 and 👨‍👩‍👧 for the ask game! (I probably got at least one of the emojis wrong but hopefully they still make sense 😂) - @blitzwhore

💖 What do you like most about your own writing?

Can't believe you're gonna make me think of something nice to say about myself 🤣 I've been told I have a very "lyrical" style of writing, and sometimes I'll write a sentence or paragraph that flows really well and just Hits. I love those moments when I feel like I've really nailed it at a word-for-word level.

👨‍👩‍👦 Do you tell people in real life that you write fic?

Most people in my life know I do writing of some sort, but I'm pretty vague with the details lol. I only talk about writing fic with irl friends who also write/read fic (and I don't tell most of them that I write smut, just bc I know it isn't their jam). I told my therapist I write "character studies," because what is smut if not horny character analysis? 🤣

🖋 Post a snippet from a current WIP

Putting this one under the cut!

Ok I was a little nervous about sharing this because it's from a longer AU I've been toying around with, and historically I'm very bad at sticking to longer projects. But regardless of what I do with it I had a lot of fun writing this scene of M&M tormenting Blitz lmao

Blitz could feel his face heating up. “He isn’t— It’s not like—” Fuck, he was losing this one fast. “Okay, so maybe we’re boning or whatever, but it’s just a casual thing, you know? It’s not like we’re dating or anything.” Moxxie raised an eyebrow. It was almost impressive how smug he looked. “Who said anything about dating?” “I think he just did, babe.” Okay, now they were getting on his nerves. He could feel his spines starting to bristle.  “Look. It’s just a convenience thing, ‘kay? He gets to have his bad boy fantasy, and I get a reliable fuck who I know won’t steal my kidneys while I’m asleep.” It wasn’t like Stolas would ever really consider a relationship with someone like him. Disowned or not, he was still a royal. And that was fine! Blitz didn’t want anything complicated, anyway. Fucking was easy. It was comfortable. It was all either of them was looking for.  “If you say so, sir.” Moxxie had somehow dialed the smugness up to eleven.  Blitz rolled his eyes and walked towards the door. “I’m firing both of you. And I’m keeping your shares for today.” He was pretty sure Moxxie started to say something in response, but he was out the door before he heard it.  He let himself stew as he made his way down to the parking lot. “Looking for excuses,” for fuck's sake. They were hired killers! What did they expect? He was going to get injured sometimes. And it only made sense to go see Stolas, who knew more about this shit than any of them did. Besides, a quick fuck sesh was good for you, or something. Boosted your sero-whatever levels. Got your blood pumping. It was basically healthcare, anyway. Talk about a bedside manner, he thought to himself, grinning. He made a mental note to use that one with Stolas later. He'd think it was funny.

“C’mere, B, let me take a look at that scratch for you.” Millie had opened up their first-aid kit and had just finished bandaging a shallow cut on her thigh. Blitz looked down at the wounded arm that she’d gestured to. It wasn’t serious— an annoyance, more than anything. He shrugged. “Eh, that’s okay. I’ll just have my guy take a look at it.” Millie eyed him skeptically, like she was trying to catch him in a lie. “You know, you’ve been spending an awful lot of time with this mysterious “guy” of yours lately.” Moxxie looked up from his paperwork with a conspiratorial smile. “You’ve been seeing him for everything, even minor injuries. Almost like you’re looking for excuses to pay him a visit.” Oh great, the famous M&M tag team. “What? No, I haven’t.” Even he knew he sounded defensive. “Sure looks that way to me.” Millie crossed her arms and perched on the edge of the desk so that she and Moxxie could give him the double stare-down. Cute. “Are you sure that medical attention’s all he’s been giving you?”

Thank you for the ask @blitzwhore! I'm still answering these prompts if y'all are curious 😊

[craving-for-chaos]

For the fanfiction writing asks, i'm curious about 1, 11, 12, 15, 18, and 22? :]

Y'all have no idea how happy I am that people are actually asking these 😭 So thank you! But anyway, onto the actual answers—

#1: Do you daydream a lot before you write, or go for it as soon as the ideas strike?

I daydream quite a bit, but even if I didn't, most of the time I wouldn't start writing a fic immediately for a few reasons. First of all, as a writer, I really like to have at least one concrete scene in mind before I start writing a whole story around it. Second of all, even though I get ideas relatively often, I generally don't like to work on multiple fics at once, so I shelve ideas until I can give them my full attention. And third of all, daydreaming hours do NOT line up with writing hours, so theoretically if I got struck with inspiration in the morning, I wouldn't be able to write it until evening anyway lol.

All that being said, if we're talking about individual chapters, then I might write a few paragraphs in my notes app as soon as I get the idea! But even then, that's mostly because I know those scenes will happen much later, and I want to get the idea/vision down while it's fresh in my mind rather than forgetting it. So really, that probably still falls into the daydreaming category.

#11: Do you write scenes in order, or do you jump around?

It kinda depends! For Standing Guard, my first fic, the chapters were more or less episodic, so as long as I had a general idea of what the timeline of events was, I could jump around at will (which is exactly what I did). For example, I wrote chapter 21 of that fic so early on that I had to rework it quite a bit by the time I actually had to post it. The same goes for my series My love is a rose (mind its thorns), AKA my connected Sagebean oneshots. The sections in those fics are only loosely connected, so I jumped around as I pleased.

But for my current sagebean fic, as well as for I'm on My Way Home to You, oh I'll show you DELUSIONAL—, and pretty much any of my other fics, I wrote all of the scenes in order. In those fics, scenes/chapters often flow into one another, so it was way more important that the mood was kept consistent. Plus, when it comes to longer and linear fics, I have an easier time keeping track of all the details when I write it in order :) If I had to choose, I'd say I prefer writing linearly.

#12: Do you outline your fics? If yes, how detailed are your outlines? How far do you stray from them?

It's...kind of complicated? Oneshots never have outlines regardless of length, because in those scenarios I'm kind of following where the scene/idea leads me with broad ideas in mind. In the case of my sagebean oneshots, it was a bit different, but the extent of my "outline" there, if you can even call it that, was the idea that certain things needed to be shown as the story progressed. For example, "Sage must slowly realize she's in love with Viper, and Viper must slowly realize she forgives Sage." Hopefully that makes sense?

For chaptered fics it's still a bit confusing to explain. The easiest way to put it would be that yes, I outline all of my long fics, but don't outline MOST of the actual fics themselves. So, when I started my current fic, the only thing I knew for sure was how it would end. Then, as I started writing a bit more (I'd say around chapter 5, maybe?) I decided major plot points/events that would happen. I don't have these things written down anywhere, nor do I have a chapter they're supposed to happen by, I just know what order they need to be in and that they need to happen. They're just in my head lmao. Other than that, it's all extremely flexible! If I feel like a scene or event needs more time, then it might get an extra chapter or two, and if I suddenly decide "man, I want the progression of this sideplot to be a bit more developed/gradual" then I can add chapters for that too. I think the only time I had an outline that I stuck to was with my first fic, but that was basically just planning out which chapter would be centered around which character interaction + where KJ and Callas interludes were. So, moral of the story: I know a fic outline hates to see me coming. Or it would if it existed in the first place, anyway.

#15: Burger King foot lettuce. The last thing you want in your Burger King burger is—

Nahhh I'm just kidding. Sorry, I couldn't resist the reference. Anyway!

#15: What's your favorite time to write?

Without a doubt at night. I'm a night owl in general, so that's part of it, but also my creative brain's business hours are almost exclusively from 9 pm - 4 am, so that's when I'm most productive. It's also the only time of day when I can write pretty much uninterrupted, so that helps :) I genuinely don't think I even write during the day unless I suddenly get struck by inspiration and it's a weekend.

#18: Do you enjoy research? Which fic of yours required the most research?

Yeah! I mean, I don't like it a lot, but it can be interesting, and I feel the need to be as accurate as possible in my fics, so overall it's a good time. I would say that Standing Guard required the most research, partially because it was my first fic and I therefore had the least knowledge and experience while writing it, but also because of the things happening in the fic itself. I had to research:

Medical term for a patient going into cardiac arrest

How a code blue (the aforementioned medical term) is handled, how many people are required to handle it, and what tools/machines are necessary in that situation...still not entirely sure I got that correct tbh

How long someone's heart can stop beating before they can no longer be brought back

Generally how PTSD works and how it manifests itself in dreams/flashbacks

Panic attacks

What to avoid when writing a suicide attempt (so as not to accidentally encourage readers' bad mindsets or give them ideas)

Symptoms of extreme blood loss

Some German terms of endearment lol

Australian slang

The effects of neurotoxins on one's nerves after long term exposure

Different species of snake and their behaviors

A LOT of Valorant lore, especially timeline stuff

There's probably more to be honest, but that's all I can think of off the top of my head, and don't even get me started on the sequel to that fic. That one had a lot of research about the psychological effects of torture (and how quickly they begin appearing), how pain tolerance is or isn't increased, symptoms of recent trauma and unspecified illnesses, etc. Phew.

#22: Do you title your fics before, during, or after the writing process? How do you come up with titles?

During! Deciding on a title helps me solidify the main point of the fic and vice versa. As for how I come up with titles? Two words: Song lyrics.

Jkjk, not always. When I do use song lyrics, they always encapsulate the main emotion or vibe of the fic. When I don't, though, I still try to achieve the same effect with the title—that is to say, communicating the main point of the fic in one way or another. I don't really have a consistent way of coming up with titles, to be honest, and it's pretty reliant on the type of fic I'm writing. For example, Oh I'll show you DELUSIONAL— is a very unserious title because it's for a crack fic, and it's also just Clove's main thought throughout that story, which is why each word isn't capitalized; it's a thought/statement more than an actual title. Past Meets Present and Of Yellow Tulips and Broken Hearts, on the other hand, are both more serious fics, so those titles are properly capitalized and more abstract.

In the case of Past Meets Present, the title is a simple and direct way to show how Vyse and Sage compare and interact with one another as Viper's "past" and "present" lovers close friends respectively. Of Yellow Tulips and Broken Hearts simply got its name because KJ is coughing up yellow tulips in that fic, and while most readers go into hanahaki disease fics expecting a happy ending, I wanted to add a tiny bit of doubt, hence the broken hearts bit. And for Stella-transivit amans, solitudo non convenit vobis, my lovely little least popular fic haha, the title isn't capitalized since it's another case of a statement/sentence. It translates to "Star-crossed lover, solitude does not suit you." I came up with that one because it's a hurt/no comfort, and star crossed lovers are fated to be torn apart from one another (which is exactly what happens in that story, and the reason why the title says LOVER, singular, in reference to Fade). It honestly didn't need to be in Latin, but it felt fitting for such a tragic story, and I kind of like the more "mature" vibe it gives upon first glance. Anyway, I digress. Basically I just try to come up with something that a) sounds good, and b) communicates what I want it to.

Sheesh, that was long lmao. Whoops. In any case, thanks for the asks! ^_^

[sombra-conlangs]

TLDR; I'm gonna change the pronunciation of Osrican and Kxërt'exo starting next year to make them more distinct, nothing too dramatic hopefully but it will be noticeable

more details below the cut

I just had an unfortunate realization (╥﹏╥) all 3 languages that I'm currently working on (Osrican, Kxërt'exo, and a new third one) sound too similar to each other, they each have some unique phonemes that the others lack but I wouldn't blame anyone for confusing them based on their pronunciation 'cause they share so many sounds in common, they all have something similar to [x], [ɬ], [r], [t͡ʃ], [ə] and more than a couple palatals, plus the first two also have [ø] and [y], and of course they share all the typical sounds like [a] [e] [i] [o] [u] and consonants like [p] [t] [k] and so on, so I'm thinking of making some changes

I guess this is what happens when you just pick the sounds you feel fit a certain vibe without thinking too much about making your languages different from each other, all 3 of these are meant to feel kind of magical and fantasy-esque, and I guess those are the sounds I associate with that kind of aesthetic, but it comes at the cost of making them a bit too similar to each other (especially cause the phonotactics of all of these languages allow for lots of clusters everywhere and they all have lexical stress, so that adds two more similarities)

Since I'm doing Lexember with Osrican and Kxërt'exo I'm gonna keep those languages the same for now, I wanna keep the entries consistent all the way through the month (I've actually already finished all my entries cause I scheduled them in advance, so changing them now would be a pain) but once the year is over I'm going to make some revisions to each language so hopefully they become a bit more distinct from each other, and I might post the updated Lexember entries with the new sounds somewhere else (to avoid cluttering up this blog too much), I'll be sure to post the link

As a sneak peak I think it's mostly the allophones that are going to change, but I might get rid of some sounds and introduce a few new ones to each language, I'm considering changing the [r] sound in Kxërt'exo to a uvular trill [ʀ] since I always liked that sound, though I'm not sure I will, it might just lose the [r] entirely, maybe it will also gain a few more emphatic sounds on top of [pˠ] [tˠ] and [q] (I'm slightly considering turning the emphatics into ejectives cause that'd be badass but that feels like too dramatic of a change, I'll think about it)

As for Osrican, it might lose the lateral fricatives [ɬ] and [ɮ], plus I think I'll mess with the vowels a bit to have a more complex system, but I think it won't actually change too much from how it is currently

And of course I'll also experiment with the sounds of the 3rd language, since I haven't posted about it anywhere I feel like I can make more drastic changes, though I feel like it's the one that needs the least amount of change since it's already got a bunch of unique sounds, I still want to change some things though

But anyway, that's basically it, I'm feeling a bit bummed out about this because, I mean, what a coincidence that the 3 languages I choose to post online are super similar to each other despite being completely unrelated, I have other conlangs with tone or minimal inventories and CV syllable structure, retroflex sounds, vowel harmony, etc. but it's fine, I guess I can always go back and make changes, just because I posted these online doesn't mean they have to stay fossilized forever in their current form

[wafflesandkruge]

if i loved you less i'd be a liar (zoyalina)

alina has been working for mi5 for years, and the only thing she can say about her job is that it's boring as hell. so when an enigmatic female serial killer seems to taunt her with a string of bread crumbs and bodies left around the world, she can't help but chase after her like she's a lifeline. or, the zoyalina villaneve au we deserve.

a/n: written for @generalstarkov's birthday!! happy birthday beloved 🥰 finally cracking the list of requests you sent me hehe. this is just a short snippet to start the au, but hopefully i'll write a bit more for it later when i finally graduate and have some time. ANYWAY GO WATCH KILLING EVE IF YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY.

ao3

Alina sighed as she looked at herself in the bathroom mirror. It was her eighth straight hour at the hospital, and it was beginning to show. Her skin looked almost waxy under the harsh white lighting, the dark circles under her eyes more pronounced than usual. Her scalp ached from the tight and professional bun she’d scraped her pale hair into that morning. Mal was going to ask questions when she got home, again, but it wasn’t like she could tell him she’d been recruited by MI6 to track down a serial killer responsible for dozens of murders around the globe. He’d just give her that concerned look again, and be so horribly nice to her that she’d want to scream and break something like one of his elementary school students just to try to get him to understand.

There was something wrong with her, and he couldn’t see it. No one could. 

Alina yanked the hair tie from her hair and relished the painful tingling in her scalp as her hair uncoiled itself. The faucet turned on with a reluctant squeak, and she splashed cold water onto her face in an attempt to rejuvenate herself. She’d be stuck here for at least another two hours. Maybe if she caved and bought a coffee from the ancient vending machine outside the witness’ room, she’d get through it without strangling her new partner. With that cheery thought, she began coaxing her hair back into a semblance of a respectable style.

Alina nearly jumped out of her skin as the door of the one working stall slammed open. She hadn’t even noticed someone else had been in the restroom. So much for working at an international espionage agency.

In the mirror, Alina watched as a woman dressed in dark blue scrubs stepped out of the stall and took the sink beside her. She didn’t turn the water on. Alina paused, her hair half-up. The sense of being watched prickled the back of her neck. 

She turned and found the other woman watching her. She was easily the most gorgeous woman Alina had ever seen with skin the color of teakwood and glossy black curls that tumbled down her back. She had eyes only a shade darker than her scrubs, and they seemed to read every thought and feeling even Alina couldn’t understand about herself. Alina couldn’t help fixating on the tiniest details like the small bruise on her wrist, the gold necklace around her throat, the stray curl that wouldn’t stay down. Alina wanted to study her for hours, and evidently, the opposite was true as the woman continued staring at her, her expression unreadable.

“Can I help you?” Alina asked, her hands still tangled in her own hair.

Her eyes were cold, Alina realized. Cold and calculating. They regarded her cooly for another second before the woman turned away to the sink and washed her hands in a few quick, forceful movements. Her nails were painted cherry red. Alina returned her gaze back to her own reflection and tried to ignore the presence of the other woman. 

Just when the restroom door opened and Alina thought she was almost free, the woman paused over the threshold and looked back. Alina’s eyes were drawn to her like a magnet. The corners of the woman’s lips tugged upwards as their eyes met, and her face became even lovelier, if that was possible. Her eyes warmed, ice melting on the first day of spring.

“Wear your hair down.” It sounded like an order. With that, the woman stepped back and she was gone. The tension in the air bled away and Alina blinked, feeling like a boat that had been unmoored or a kite whose string had been cut, never to touch the ground again. 

Something in the world had shifted, and she didn’t know what.

She left her hair down.

[gngayul]

hi everyone and sorry for the late intro!! i'm august (he/they) and i've joined gaenari with both gayul here and @gnseohan! i should probably make a separate into post on him but realistically i'll only be monitoring one account at a time so. gayul is the big winner this time !

lmao anyway i don't really have a discord for rp purposes so i'm stuck in ims for now but i'll put a little detail about both muses under the cut and leave this as an open plot call for anyone!

CHU GAYUL:

gaenari native born & raised; for a quick family background she has upstanding parents, three (much) older brothers who have all moved out of town, and a younger brother (@gngaram) who is the black sheep of the family but her favorite brother by far.

her father owns chu's, a diner that's been in the town for decades and was originally founded by her grandfather. gayul currently works at the diner for her parents, kinda filling in wherever is needed; she's there most nights including tuesdays, when her mother takes over the restaurant and turns it into a soup kitchen with the help of her church. mrs. chu is quite religious, by the way.

gayul herself had different dreams, though... she wanted to be a singer-songwriter, even teaching herself guitar (and having previously suffered through childhood piano lessons that she didn't appreciate until later in life). her idols are taylor swift, olivia rodrigo, heize, iu, and similar female solo acts & creatives. unfortunately, that career has obviously not yet taken off and has been put on the backburner while she prioritizes her family.

while her older brothers all went to university and have very successful careers all over the country, gayul was never able (see: allowed) to pursue higher education, instead only earning her high school diploma before she was more or less expected to just take care of her family. her father is getting old and can't physically keep up with the restaurant like he used to, so gayul and her limitless loyalty stepped up to help out.

she sort of knows that the restaurant will be passed to one of her older brothers and that they'll likely sell it off or close it down once they inherit it. she's working hard and learning the ins and outs so she can hopefully change her parents' minds on that decision and make sure that chu's stays in the family for generations to come.

as you might be able to tell, her family is incredibly conservative overall with very traditional views especially regarding gender roles. for these reasons, gayul has not told anyone that she's been dating @jiyeongn since high school and is very much in love with her.

gayul's sensitive and emotional and overall incredible soft and gentle; i kinda describe her as a "new soul" and she's incredibly pure of heart; she's loyal to a fault and her family is more important to her than anything, despite the way they treat her unfairly based on her sex. she quietly works toward her own goals when she can but helping her family will always take priority, whether that's helping to mend bridges and make amends or physical labor in the sense of running the restaurant or practically raising her little brother (who's really only three years younger than herself).

POTENTIAL PLOTS/CONNECTIONS: former classmates? gayul was a good student, maybe old friends who don't understand why she didn't go to uni. regulars at the diner; she knows your order by heart and will give occasional freebies if you look like you're having a rough day. family friends or friends from her mother's church? the chu family has been a well-known family in gaenari for generations, so surely there's a connection there somewhere. one of her older brother's ex-girlfriends who she actually really liked and hoped they would marry... friends, rivals, etc., anything really!

KIM SEOHAN:

here he is... gaenari's golden boy... the pinnacle of success... a hometown hero with the pressure of everyone's expectations on his shoulders...

to make a very long story short, seohan was born blessed. first of all, he was a "rainbow baby", a miracle to his parents who had been struggling with fertility issues for a while. and he had the bad luck to be born handsome, and intelligent, and talented. but these are good things? you say; well, not when it creates the expectation that he will always be handsome and intelligent and talented.

basically, seohan's grandfather introduced him to baseball at a young age; seohan fell in love with the sport. he played little league, then joined his high school team, then eventually got a scholarship to play for a prestigious university in seoul where he was also studying athletic training (so when his sports career inevitably ended, he could still find a job in the industry somehow).

good luck stuck again and seohan ended up not finishing his studies; he was scouted to join the KBO (national baseball league) and found himself on the futures team (minor league/farm team) for the hanhwa eagles, close to home in daejeon. he might have only been a minor league player but he was good looking enough that he ended up being requested for sponsorships and endorsements, at least on a local/regional level, and garnered some amount of fame.

however. he was pulled up to the major leagues for his first game. he was projected to have his big breakout, to make a name for himself on a national level, but unfortunately he suffered a season-ending injury to his right knee; ruptured ACL and torn meniscus; he's already undergone surgery and has many months of physical therapy and conditioning ahead of him before he'll be on the field again. so that's why he's in gaenari; he's recovering with the help of his family while he waits to heal up for next season.

he originally planned to stay in daejeon and recover with the help of his girlfriend, but she left him shortly after his repair operation, saying she lost all attraction to him after seeing him "like that."

so while he's in town, his old high school coach convinced him to help coach the high school team he used to play for and encourage the kids who probably have dreams of making it big like him someday. he agreed only as a favor to his coach, and it's about the only thing that gets him out of the house these days other than physical therapy appointments and the occasional endorsement or sponsorship that still trickles in despite the injury, though on a much smaller scale than he had been reaching before.

oh, also, he's gay. no one knows that and he keeps it very close to his chest. he did love his most recent ex-girlfriend but he wasn't attracted to her either.

in terms of his personality, he's rather conservative/reserved and really thinks before speaking; he's incredibly conscious of his image and it's like his biggest fear is letting people down or disappointing them. he's a bit sullen right now because he's struggling with failure for what might be the first time in this life and he doesn't know how to cope with it yet. still, he tries to fulfill the "image" that the town must have for him; he smiles even though it's faked and forced, he's polite and kind to everyone, and he's been hitting the gym a lot to stay in shape as much as he can while still healing. he's on the quiet side normally, but he's capable of holding a conversation.

POTENTIAL PLOTS/CONNECTIONS: old rivals? people he pissed off in high school for supposedly being "arrogant" or something? seohan definitely could've come off that way though it wasn't intentional. fans who have been rooting for him since his kbo futures debut; old friends who he hasn't been good at keeping up with who might be mad at him for that now that he's back in town or oppositely understanding and just happy to hang with him again... i'd love a best friend for him who he can actually trust with everything since he keeps a lot of his true thoughts and feelings so private... again, anything really!

[atalienart]

@tathrin replied to your post “Okay, so I prefer to plan stuff before I write...”:

Jump ahead; leave a note to yourself like [inn scene goes here] and then pick-up with the next morning and start writing from there. Hopefully when you go back to the filler-tag later, your brain will be able to go "ahh! this is what needs to happen!" and fill it in; or perhaps it will end up being "oh actually I don't need to detail this scene at all, having it just be mentioned-and-move-on adds to the tension of their feelings building-up" or...etc etc. It doesn't always work, but I've found the best way to get around a snag is to ignore it and then come back to it later. That way your brain gets to A: let it stew a little more and B: have more data on what you want to do there so that you can get to the next thing you've written. (If you have to jump ahead even further, that can help too!)

​Oh, I wish it worked for me. In my case whenever I write out of order I need to do major rewrites to everything that follows the little hole, especially when it's important to the characters' development. Though now I wonder if maybe I should remove the whole scene since I didn't plan it. It would make the transition to the next one emotionally more fluent but it's not... the story won't burn without it basically. Maybe I'll just play with possibilities. I liked how my MMC was there for my FMC even when they weren't on best terms with each other, and he also found out about some of her family issues. but I guess I could cut it out and rewrite. But anyway, I need to know where my characters are emotionally if I want to have this scene and the next one. Maybe I'll check the characters' personality types and see how they would react based on their type, maybe it will inspire me. I'm really hesitating whether I should just delete the previous little bit... damn.

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #112

Yesterday's letter was flagged as spam on Facebook, and taken down.

Facebook is a place on the internet where people post up their various thoughts, writings, images, and whatnot so that others can see it. It's another means of screaming into the void and hoping that kindness will return to you. I generally write my letters on a place called Tumblr, and then scooch a slightly modified version of it over to Facebook, since the formatting for these places is slightly different. The goal is to make it so that my words are more likely to reach you and more likely to reach others who need them.

…I'm not really sure how it happened. Supposedly the box of maple-flavored tea that I showed you yesterday was offensive, though I'm not sure how. What's worse is that I'm not sure if it was the algorithm or what. It's complicated to explain. I'm not going to bother you with the details.

Either way, suppose I'll be posting only in this place until that gets all figured out. Suppose what I'll do on Facebook is post up that my next letter is out and give anyone the link who asks me for it.

I did some more work today, listing and describing items. I also did some dishes. I also finally got around to putting the third layer of epoxy on the amethyst tree sphere. Hopefully by the time it's cured, the inconsistencies in its shape will be mostly gone and it'll be ready to be sanded. The set of extremely fine-grit sandpaper arrived today, and I'm eager to put it to good use. I hope it turns out well. Suppose we'll see what happens.

Today it's warm enough outside to leave all the windows of the house open, so we opened all the windows. The breeze flowing in smells like grass and fresh soil; it's a good smell. I wish you were here to enjoy it.

At some point, I took a walk. Some of the plants around where I live are starting to sprout leaves again. I know that you like pictures of nature, so I took a few pictures for you; maybe you'll like them:

I also found a feather on the ground later in the day:

...Maybe I'll imagine that it means you'll be safe somehow.

…I feel kind of lost and empty today for reasons I don't fully understand. I think maybe I just need more water and food. I haven't been eating or hydrating well for the last several days. I drank a rehydration solution today (Pedialyte), but I've only eaten minimally; not much of an appetite. I haven't been sleeping well, either, for various reasons. Suppose if I wanna feel better, I'm gonna hafta do a better job of the whole self-care thing for at least the next week or so. Bleh.

Are you taking care of yourself? Are you safe and warm? Do you have plenty of food to eat and things to drink? Soft plushies to hug? I know you can't answer me, but I'll ask anyway. I'll ask because you deserve to have people check in on you. I'll ask because I wish you could answer. Nobody here knows, of course. And I suppose the uncertainty of it all is very difficult to deal with. But I'll keep doing my best. I'll keep my eyes and ears open for any news.

Br is visiting, and that feels good. Upon realizing that I've not eaten much today, she cut some fruit for us to share. I have a bowl of Asian pear slices and chunks of dragonfruit. I wonder if you've ever had these. I wonder if you'd like them:

We were going to watch Junk Man, but folks were hungry, and so we went to the grocery store to get a pizza. Br can't have gluten, so we got this pizza that was made with tapioca flour. And we also got toppings to add to it, since it was just a cheese pizza. We put on roasted garlic, portobello mushrooms, and pepperoni (we checked the ingredients to make sure there was no gluten, don't worry)! I was delighted to find out that the crust tastes and feels like Brazilian cheese bread! And if you don't know what that is, it's basically this bread thing that is wonderfully chewy and cheesy and amazing. The pizza was absolutely delectable!!

…It probably doesn't surprise you to know that I feel a lot better since eating. Bodies and minds get weird when the blood sugar gets low. I'll have to try to be more mindful of making sure I eat even when I don't have much of an appetite, I guess.

Br had to leave by 9 though, so there wasn't enough time for a movie. But we watched Steven Universe instead! J and I have already seen it through several times, but Br still hasn't seen most of it. Today we got to the part where we meet Lapis Lazuli.

…I think maybe you might relate to her, at least a little. She was enslaved in a mirror and used as a tool for years before Steven set her free. She was understandably very angry at the other gems for knowingly keeping her trapped in the mirror. She responded by attacking them, and then stealing the ocean, but then Steven talked to her and fixed it. It's a long and complicated story, but it's wholesome.

…I wish you could come here and watch Steven Universe with us, because actually, I think there's a lot in it that you would be able to relate to. I wish you could watch it with us and eat the yummy pizza with us. I wish you could see the whole thing. And I wish I could give you all kinds of tasty snacks to enjoy while we watch it. Alas… alas…

Well. I'm maybe rambling a little. So I suppose I'll end today's letter here. Don't forget that there are people out here wishing well on you, okay?

I love you. I'll write again in a little while. Please stay safe.

Your friend, Lumine

[asksoldieron]

SO-18: Memory Bomb!

If there's a lot of engagement on this, this post is liable to get real long, beware before you expand.

No art, but hopefully my eyes will improve enough to add some later!

Welcome to the Engagement Lounge, for Peanut Butter Bubblegum (SO-18) an instalment! Short comments can go in the replies, but there's a 475 character limit. Longer ones will need a reblog. Remember to @asksoldieron if you're reblogging someone else's reblog, so I can see it too!

There! They got him! Well, sorta. That's definitely not Erik but he's in there somewhere. They'll get him out! Eventually!

I had such a cool idea for a musical comic but I can't do it. You'll have to read and imagine David and Hyacinth having it out, while what he is now is slowly subsumed by what he once was... Or while an imposter who made a very bad decision becomes permanently trapped in a web of his own lies. Maybe both at once!

*sigh* I'm struggling, but I don't get real feedback from the eye doctor. It's like they don't think I can't handle any negativity, so everything is all smiles and "you're doing great!" while I'm dealing with shit they should've sat me down and told me about before I even had the damn surgery.

You see, I had the impression the surgery was the best option for not losing any of the improvement I spent all last year making myself sick to gain. Heh. Maybe it was, but I've still lost ground and I'll need to put in even more work to get it back. I have a different issue now: stamina. My eyes get tired of focusing on detail, near and far, and in certain situations they'll just stop. I'll be straining as hard as I can and I won't be able to tell you if that's a D, C, O or G. It won't shift in and out of focus like I might be able to get it eventually, it'll just be a static blur until I rest my eyes and come back to it. (Kinda think the doctor thought I was faking or playing it up, since I could read letters the first time she asked me to, and then I couldn't. But the tech just listened to me describe what was happening and said, "Oh, yeah. Your eyes are just tired. Take a break.")

I don't have much trouble reading - as long as it's black and white or close to that. Much like Erik, I can get it from context. I've always read the shape of the word, because my damn eyes never worked like they're supposed to. But art is not like that. Hell, even reading a comic is harder for me right now.

I'm getting my Xmas computer soon. It has a bigger screen than my tablet, and I should be able to draw on it. I might not get so tired so fast with a bigger screen, but I won't know until I try. I found a good enough refurbished deal that I can afford a pen display with an even bigger screen, if it comes to that, but I'll have to give myself some time to strengthen my eyes in any case.

I thought I was just going to heal from this - it would only be a matter of time until the wound closed and my corneas cleared up - I certainly got that impression at the start. But now they say I'm not going to get better without more work. I'm stuck doing pretty much the same exercises, only now they're hard in a different way. The dry-eye does seem to be improving, but there's no guarantee it will keep doing that. I have nearly a year to wait for the dryness and light tolerance to stabilize, those things are the slowest to heal. Well, they would be the slowest, if I didn't have this stupid vision dysfunction. I have no idea how long that's going to take to adapt.

Anyway, this is all too many words. I'm trying to explain why I won't be able to come back with more story after a two week break, even though I have the next six-pack almost ready to go. I can write. I can reorganize the site (and I need to do that, the theme and the global colours are just stupid, and all my pattern blocks are malfunctioning). I can open a new bank account and put together a Ko-Fi page (after Patreon gets rid of my data - they only have a couple more days to do that within their 30-day limit!!). I can't illustrate. Nobody's going to stop scrolling and look at this shit in their feed if there's no images, and I'm not resorting to stock photos or AI.

I want to get to the point where I can spam my followers with something I'm proud of that looks nice, and send them to a site that I'm also proud of and which looks nice. I want more readers, but I don't feel right asking for them when everything's falling apart, including me.

So, I'll be here, but there won't be more story for a while. At least give me until the 20th, that'll be three months out from the surgery and I should be fairly well healed by then. It's just that I have this stamina issue nobody warned me about and no timeline for that. Almost like it doesn't matter. Hey, you can see without glasses! 20/20! Like we promised! Does it really matter if it expires without warning? It works when you read off the chart the first time and that's all you need, right?

No. I told you people I was an artist. You don't seem to be reviewing my chart and god alone knows if you even wrote it down, but you did ask me and I told you. This is not enough.

We'll see what the next few weeks will do for me. I hope like hell I'll be back soon with another six - words AND pictures.

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