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icharchivist · 2 years ago

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i feel you on being sad about ff7r, i actually loved it at first because i personally really liked a lot of things about how they expanded the midgar section of the game and i wasn't thinking too hard about how some of the plot changes might remove a bit of nuance, or the sephiroth stuff, because i was just having so much fun while i was playing. but then the ending happened and the stuff with zack on top of it and i progressively got more annoyed because i just wanted it to essentially still be the original story??

i won't go on too much about it because i don't wanna leave an essay in your inbox but i just feel like, the original game is from 1997. it certainly has its own flaws and things that might make people not wanna play it, and it deserved to be recreated in beautiful 3d graphics and brought to the attention of a newer generation of gaming fans who may not have given ff7 a second look before. i wanted people who would get into this amazing story for the first time because of the remake to get the original story, more or less, and could've overlooked some flaws with how they expanded/changed it if it was still basically the same plot! i'm still gonna play every part of the remake but the whole stealth sequel thing they're doing is such a bummer to me lol, i've already talked to a lot of my friends and family about it and strongly recommended that they play the original game even if it might be a bit dated.

🥺🥺🤝🤝

i'm glad to hear about your experience with it and relieved it was a bit of the same.

oops a bit more under the cut (no spoilers this time though! just salt.)

Honestly i'm a bit on the same ground there because i did really enjoy playing the remake, it's fun, it's dynamic, there's new quests i think are really fun and great, and i was so hyped with seeing everyone else that i was willing to give even Sephiroth a shot. tbh originally i thought it might be just straight up hallucinations that aren't motivated by Sephiroth himself, just playing on Cloud's trauma, and while we lost the subtility, i am a sucker for exploring more of Cloud's trauma and complete collapsing "This Is Fine" mental health.

I was always a bit iffy about the Specters but i did go through the game mostly happy with what i got. But yeah ultimately it's really both the conclusion of the Specters storyline and the Zack scene that left me "huh." for a while.

And honestly my reactions when the game was over was just "okay i'm not. sure what to do with it but i'll guess we'll have to wait and see."

but it's sitting on it for a few years now that really make me go, actually, i really dislike it 😭

Originally i think i wanted to go easy on the game because i was buying onto the "well maybe it's too much to expect them to do a plot that is exactly the same as the OG, they keep talking about how they don't want to redo the game 101 and i guess that's fair", but now in retrospect i'm just "... but it was advertised to be a remake. And Yuffie's DLC can show very well how they can do new things adding to the game without making it a straight up sequel. and why is ff7 having a metacommentary plotline anyway" and that's when i started to get beef about it. Like, it's shitty to punish the fans for them being mad they got sold something under false adverticizing.

The Grief theme from the OG is something i care a lot about so this was one of the first thing i started to think in depth about, and since it also meant trying to make sense of "why do i want /this/ death to happen again" it eventually made me think of the others themes i cared about the remake would not be able to follow through properly and *there* you get how i am today, fully jaded about it.

Truly the "Sephiroth locked himself in the Nibelheim Mansion" character arc. Going in with curiosity and coming out with, actually, the more i read the more i think it's too bad.

As for the second paragraph: 100%!!! Like, i've been here for 15 years and i know for a fact that recommending the OG is always met with "oh but it looks so bad" (it's stylized not bad!!! oh well), or "i can't focus without voice acting" or "but the gameplay sounds boring", which is added to how all the others entries in the series have polished graphisms to start with (even if some are early polished 3D and have clunky animation as a result, it still holds up that the more "modern" player can get into it yaknow)

and idk when you compare it to like RE2 Remake that balances remaking the old game with new graphisms and everything and then changing a couple of things either to upgrade the story or to make it more coherent with later update in the franchise.... It's kinda like the type of things we expected i guess???

And i've seen people decide to get into ff7 for the first time by the remake itself. Some people are waiting to see where the plot is going to go via the remake. And while the remake can work as a sequel if you squint, idk how i think about it being the first contact someone has with the saga. (tho i don't know how much i can criticize on that level since i started with Crisis Core, then watched Advent Children, and then i read the wiki for the OG and only played the OG years later. So i have no lesson to give on the "but you're not experiencing the ff7 saga in the right order :(" front)

I have a friend who's a game dev who also only got into ff7 via the remake, and we discussed it last time we met because he knows i'm a huge fan and he wanted my opinion as a Veteran™. Turns out, while he liked a few things from the game, there was a lot out of it that he didn't like and couldn't figure out why (except a few things he called "idk what's going on but it sounds like Nomura's fuckery", you can feel the KH veteran out of him). And the more we discussed it the more he realized that a lot of the things he really didn't vibe with were truly Remake Only Decisions. Like he didn't understand on what level Sephiroth is meant to be a legendary Antagonist while all he does is just being a generic villain who shows up early just to go "heheh i'll do evil", or complained about super long and eventless dungeons that were really just, remake only stuff. and he hated the Specters bc he kept seeing it as breaking from the immersion of the story itself and their appearance seemed to be completely separated from the main story, as if it was another story running in parallelism to the one we're going through.

On the other hand when i started to tell him how it was in the OG for instance and especially the difference in Sephiroth's writing he was nodding along like "*that* i get why it was impactful". (and he's not the type to lie about his feelings on something just to go with the opinion someone is holding, convos got heated before lmao)

So yeah like. idk. I just kinda wish they were forward about it not being a remake. and not derailling the plot of the game itself in order to make a metatextual critism on how fans demands those type of remakes and refuses to accept deviations from it.

So i'm all with you on that too 😭 i'm just so sad bc i remember in 2015 when they announced the remake being so hyped and finally feeling like the OG would be more accessible to people whom i knew at the time didn't want to bother with such an old gem game. But now i feel like it's kinda made even more inaccessible since i feel like some people would stop at the remake itself bc it's already a game that is way way bigger than the OG ever was, and it's already time consuming to start with just to have the same story told in another medium.

When Ever Crisis was announced it was supposed to be a mobile game which would actually go through the whole plot of the saga, without changing anything, but with characters's chibi, and i remember the devs using EC as a shield there like "well if you want to play the OG in good quality tune in for EC". And i didn't keep up with EC's newest news but at the time it was announced it was going to release one chapter at a time for the duration of the server, which. is such a downgrade in every front and also means you won't be able to keep the game on the long term doesn't it? and after the fiasco that was First Soldier this is even more of a dubious take.

All in all it's just, genuinely such a cynical remake and commercial approach it just makes me so sad.

so yeah i'm 100% with you on this one :(

and same i'll play the games, esp since there are still good things into them, the gameplay is enjoyable, the explorations are so fun, it's nice to see the world of the OG being given this approach! For all the stuff i would complain about there's a lot i actively like about the remake, for instance i'm so so glad we get more Aerith & Tifa scenes where they show how close friends they become (bc god the eternal shipwar pinning the girls against one another in a petty catfight was the most annoying part of the pre-remake fandom, despite the OG only ever treating them as good friends, not rivals, so the fact the remake hammers in even more "tHEY'RE!!! FRIENDS!!! STOP IT!!!" is everything to me.).

And there's stuff i think are genuinely good like, actually exploring Sector 7 and making us care about the people in it much more than the OG could prepare us for it! muah very good no note.

It just genuinely sucks that the biggest problem with ff7r is the actual core of the plotline they're going with to drive the whole story onward. Everything else goes from fine to amazing. And then this thing doesn't work for me. but since it's the most important thing of the game, it undoes everything that made me hyped to start with.

so yeah :( fully 100% with you on this one. Guess we have to push our "play the 1997 game" agenda even harder now. rip :sob:

Thank you once again for sharing <333

#ichasalty #ichafantalks ffvii #ichareply #anonymous

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maybege · 4 years ago

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... Stays In Quantico - FBI Part 2

Summary: Back in Quantico, you are reminded just how difficult your situation is. (Part 2 of the FBI Series)

Pairing: Aaron Hotchner x fem!Reader

Wordcount: 3.1k | Rating: T

Warnings: descriptions of an anxiety attack

Here we are! I am so excited to finally start sharing this story with you. Having binged through all 15 seasons, I just want to say now that (1) this story will be canon-divergent and (2) it will be a slow burn. It is my first longer story about Hotch and I hope I will do his character justice. As always, you can find the posting schedule linked in my masterlist.

Have fun reading and let me know what you think.

masterlist | crossposted on AO3

“I don’t know what to think.”

“This is not the kind of job where you don’t know what to think.”

“I know.”

“Hard to believe from someone who just told me she doesn’t know what to think.”

You shifted in your seat. The office you were in was colder than the bullpen of the BAU and you wished you had remembered to bring your cardigan with you. Now all you were wearing was your short-sleeved dress and heels.

To be fair, you had presumed this would just be a standard meeting with the in-house therapist. After the incident in Kansas City, it seemed like standard procedure and you were glad to have been offered this opportunity.

Now though, sitting in the way too soft armchair with the brunette older woman looking at you over her glasses, this felt more like an evaluation than anything else. And you absolutely hated it.

You looked at the still-life of a fruit bowl on the right wall, right next to a bookshelf full of framed certificates. A woman who was proud of her accomplishments.

The first and last time you had had an evaluation was when you had first started working at the FBI and back then you had been sure that you had failed it. You had been sure you had failed all of it.

Your grandmother always used to say that if you looked for flaws long enough you would find them.

Dr Johnson looked like she spent her life looking for flaws.

“Tell me again why you chose to work for the FBI – and the BAU specifically.”

You would not make it anyway. Fuck it.

“There is so much hurt in the world,” you started, watching her eyebrows rise over the frames of her glasses, “I would feel better knowing I am trying to do something against it. And as for the BAU,” you shrugged, “Chief Sector Strauss approached me about it and I thought I would be stupid not to take the opportunity.”

She hummed, looking down at her file. “You don’t have any official FBI training.”

“No.”

“Any formal police training?”

“No.”

“Gun training?”

You hid your smile at the thought of the recent debacle for the gun qualification.

“I took down an UnSub in Kansas City last week,” you reminded her, “That is why I am here.”

She did not react to it. “In fact,” she leafed through the papers in her hand, “You only recently finished college. How did that go for you?”

“Good,” you nodded, trying to keep your knee from bouncing, “It was good.”

“What did you major in?”

“English,” you replied and when you saw her raised eyebrow, tried to elaborate, “Um, English literature to be exact and I have a minor in law as well.”

“Why only a minor?”

“Pardon me?”

“Why did you only minor in law? Were you not good enough?”

To cover the unease from her question, you crossed your legs. “I had no interest in law,” you answered truthfully, “My passion was and is with literature.”

The full truth was, you simply did not like law students. That and the pressure they were under was, you were convinced, what brought many lawyers to an early grave. But she did not need to know that about you.

Ironic that you had ended up in the BAU after all this.

Totally not stressful.

She said your name, then, slowly, and leant forward. You tensed, knowing that look too well. Was this the moment she would tell you that you had failed the valuation? The moment Hotch would come into the office and hand you your resignation with that disappointed look in his eyes.

Maybe the way Kansas City had ended was just a way to disguise the true going-ons of your work here in Quantico?

“You have been here, what, seven months now, Agent?”

“Yes, eight months, coming February,” you replied, meeting her gaze and swallowing the dryness of your throat.

“Would you say you have adjusted to your life here in Virginia?”

You frowned, “What do you mean?”

Dr Johnson made a vague gesture as if encompassing everything and anything, “Do you have friends here? Family? How do you get on with your colleagues?”

Well, you certainly had not been expecting this kind of question.

“I live together with a friend,” you answered slowly, “My family lives in Idaho.”

“Idaho,” Johnson smiled, “A long way from home, no?”

“Yes.”

“Look, Agent, I am not going to lie,” she sighed, putting her pen down on the notepad, “I am not sure if you are the right fit for the FBI.”

You’re not the only one, you thought with a grimace.

“I am sure you are a good person, that your motivations for working here are true,” she elaborated, “But your lack of training? Your lack of … experience,” she gave you a pitiful look, “I am simply not convinced you are cut out for the work we need here.”

You had always thought it but hearing someone else say it to your face hit deeper than you ever could have thought. Your fingers started to tremble and you clasped your hands together, squeezing them to somehow force yourself to remain with as much dignity as you could.

“Okay,” you nodded, taking a deep breath in the hopes that it would keep your tears at bay, “What – what does that mean?”

“As there are no reasons for a suspension based on your mental health, the next step would be that I get in contact with your supervisor,” she threw a look on her paper, “SSA Aaron Hotchner, is that correct?” you nodded and she continued, “A written evaluation of your role at the BAU will be requested and then we will go from there. Best case scenario is you won’t leave at all, worst case scenario …”, she trailed off.

Of course, she did not need to finish the sentence for you to know what she was saying.

Worst case scenario: You would leave the FBI.

Realization washed over you and you smiled tightly at her. “Thank you, Dr Johnson,” you stood up, reaching a polite hand out to her which she took, “If you will excuse me, I should get back to my desk while I still can.”

Dr Johnson smiled kindly at you which only made it worse. She was pitying you. She felt sorry for you. Sorry for your incompetence, sorry for you not belonging in this place.

You felt like you would throw up any minute.

“Of course, Agent,” she said softly, “I will inform your supervisor of my recommendation. You will receive a copy of the protocol within the next week.”

You nodded, not meeting her eyes as you hurried out of her office.

The staff washroom on the third floor was always empty.

You knew that from the fact that you had often used it as a refuge after nearly dissolving into tears in the bullpen. That and the fact that the third floor was far away enough for anyone of the BAU to search for you here made it the perfect place to come after your talk with Dr Johnson.

You threw a look on your watch.

Six minutes. You would give yourself six minutes and then you would go to your desk and work on those reports and show Dr Johnson that you loved your job and that you were capable of doing it. You would show her that you were not the anxious, incompetent student she saw in you but someone who could be an asset to the team.

I am not sure if you are the right fit for the FBI.

Tears shot into your eyes and you locked the little cabin behind you, sitting on the edge of the toilet as you rushed to grab a few pieces of toilet paper.

The first sob echoed in the tiled room and you pressed the tissues to your mouth, hoping it would muffle the sounds somewhat. Your skin felt too hot and too tight and you could already see how your makeup would be ruined by the tears no matter how hard you tried.

And you had left your backup mascara in your bag at your desk.

Great. Just great.

Anxiety filled you at the thought of having to prove yourself even more than before. After Kansas City and Hotch’s encouraging words, you had somehow hoped that the hard part was over now. That you could focus on delivering good work instead of questioning if everyone doubted your belonging in the unit.

But maybe they were and they were just too polite to mention it? Maybe Dr Johnson was finally saying what they all wanted to spare you from?

Tears were rolling freely over your cheeks now, dropping onto your dress and you cursed, trying to wipe it away and somehow keep your face dry. There were still quite a few hours left in the workday and although you hoped there would not be a case coming in today, you were working along with a team of profilers.

You were like an open book to them even if there was the agreement to not profile each other.

A look on your watch told you it was nearly time to go and you took a moment to listen if anybody was there before stepping out of the little cubicle. It was completely abandoned.

Much like you had expected, you looked an absolute mess and just seeing yourself in the mirror brought fresh tears into your eyes.

“Fidelity, Bravery and Integrity,” you echoed the motto, gripping the edge of the counter and taking deep breaths, “Fidelity, Bravery and Integrity.”

“Hey, kid, how did it go?”

You entered the chaotic bullpen, just barely avoiding crashing into Anderson before making your way to your desk. Reid was seated across from you which meant that no matter how much of a mess you left at the end of a day, it still looked comparably neat.

Now though, it was nearly empty.

“Hi Derek,” you smiled tightly, your eyes still irritated from your impromptu cry session as you sat down at your desk.

You had splashed cold water on your face in hopes of somehow feeling and looking better. Still, you immediately went for your bag, scrambling to find your emergency mascara and lipstick to sneak back into the washroom before anyone noticed.

Especially –

“Agent,” Hotch’s voice boomed through the office and you winced, feeling the heat of tears collecting in your eyes again. You stayed ducked over your bag, hoping that maybe he did not mean you. Maybe he wanted to talk to Derek or Emily or Reid or –

Cleanly polished shoes appeared in your field of vision and you swallowed.

“In my office. Now.”

“Yes, Sir,” you mumbled, hastily wiping your cheek of a stray tear before straightening and following him up the stairs. You ignored Derek’s worried look, instead choosing to straighten your shoulders and stoically look ahead.

This was but an extension of the interview with Dr Johnson. You could do this even if the man terrified and intrigued you more than he should.

You had barely stepped foot in his office when he sat down. “Close the door. Sit down.”

You did, feeling much smaller than you had in Dr Johnson’s office. His lips were tight and he looked incredibly displeased, even for Hotch’s standards. You must have majorly messed up.

His hands were clasped in front of him and your eyes fell to his fingers. You swallowed heavily, hands wringing in your lap as you waited for him to start talking.

“Dr Johnson just informed me that a written evaluation of your performance on this team is being requested.”

“Sir, I can explain, I –“

He raised a hand, effectively silencing you and your mouth snapped shut.

“You do not need to explain anything,” he said calmly, “Dr Johnson is only doing her job and after what happened last week, it might not be such a bad idea.”

You nodded, trying to not seem as nervous as you were.

“Do not worry yourself over it. I meant what I said in Kansas,” he stated, facial expression unreadable, “You are a valuable addition to this team and I look forward to seeing your contributions in the future.”

“Yes, Sir,” you looked down on your hands, trying to hide your nervousness, “Thank you, Sir.”

“Call me Hotch.”

“Yes, Si- Hotch,” you corrected yourself with a sheepish smile. He was sitting at his desk, hands folded on top of it as he looked at you. And fuck, it should be forbidden to look this good. You froze, licking your lips and hoping you would be able to blame it on the dryness of your lips instead of you imagining what it would be like to feel his mouth on yours.

Not the time, a rational part of your brain reminded you, So not the fucking time.

Shuffling through the crowded metro you pressed your phone to your ear.

“I promise, it is all right, mom,” you assured her, letting yourself fall into one of the free seats, keeping your bag pressed against your chest. An elderly woman threw you an offended look and shuffled away from you as if you had any interest in stealing her dog off her hands.

“I am just worried, honey,” your mom said on the other side of the phone, “We are all worried. It is a hard job, isn’t it? And why do they keep putting you up for evaluations? You haven’t even been there for a full year!”

“Mom –“

“Are you okay?” she interrupted you in that voice that only your mom had, “Truly okay?

Your head fell against the window of the wagon, the heaviness of the day washing over you. You took a shuddering breath, “No, Mom, I – I don’t think I am.”

There was a sigh on the other side of the line. She was disappointed and worried, you could hear it already and it did not help to calm the anxiety raging in your stomach. You could almost see her in front of you, the pity in her eyes and the little furrow between her brows.

“You can always come home, hon, you know that, right?” she asked carefully and you cringed at how quiet she was being, “We can still find somewhere else for you to work. A nice option. You can come back home and dad and I will help you. I know it can take some time to find a good position. But you had so much fun doing literature, why not go back to it? You don’t have to stick there if it doesn’t make you happy.”

“But it does make me happy, mom,” you protested, wincing at how desperate you sounded, before adding quietly, “Saving people is what I want to do. And I can do it.”

“I am not saying you can’t, sweetie,” she assured you, “But maybe it is not what you should do with your life, hm?”

You could see that the light was on in the living room when you entered the small hallway. The sounds of the TV washed over your ears and you smiled.

“I’m home!”

A non-committal grunt answered you and you grinned, knowing that he was probably too entranced in whatever crime show he was currently watching. You let your keys fall onto the little side table and made sure to lock the deadbolt before making your way to Josh.

Your heels made clicking sounds on the floor and you took care to be as quiet as possible. “Hi,” you grinned, waving at him.

Josh was tall and lanky. And despite being offended if you ever told him that – looked exactly like one would imagine a law student to look. He was always well dressed and took great care when it came to all things cultural. He drank the best wine, read all the important books, watched all the niche movies to impress people.

Sometimes you joked that of the two of you, he was the one who could be expected to work for a government institution.

“It’s late,” he commented, nodding to the screen, “You’re usually here by the second episode.”

“I wanted to get some reports done,” you explained, shrugging out of your coat, “Had a chat with my boss today again. I thought it might be better to not give any more opportunities to criticize me. How was your day?”

“Boring,” he replied, “Attended that one event about intellectual property and want to lunch with a few friends from uni. You should come with us sometime, you will like them.”

You nodded, already thinking ahead of a day when you would have enough free time to join him and his friends. Dr Jones’ words about having a strong social life to fall back to echoed in your mind and you decided to make more of an effort to make friends.

It would be all right.

There was some Chinese takeout in Josh’s lap and you spotted a few grocery bags in the small hallway to your room and the kitchen.

“Did you get me the bananas like I asked?” you asked, slipping out of your heels.

Josh kept munching on his noddle, making a vague gesture that led you into the kitchen. And there, on the tiny dining table were two green bananas.

“They are not even ripe yet,” you called into the living room, “And I asked for four bananas, not two.”

“What do you need them for anyway?”

“I wanted to bake banana bread,” you said, turning to get out some flour and chocolate chips, “It’s an easy breakfast to have in the metro.”

Josh sighed, walking into the kitchen and throwing himself onto the black dining chair. “You barely eat at home anyway, that’ll just go to waste.”

“Which is exactly why it is nice to have something ready to eat on the go,” you explained, wondering if he had overheard your words.

Cracking two eggs into a bowl, you hummed. “I could bring it into the office,” you mused, starting to mush up the bananas, “I think JJ mentioned she liked it once.”

“To the colleagues that despise you?”

You frowned, “They don’t despise me. They are very nice to me, Josh.”

Josh took the last bite of his noodles, setting down the little container “By the way, Greg is coming over tonight.

“But it’s almost midnight,” you stated, throwing a confused look towards the clock, just to make sure, “Didn’t you say you will leave for that Seattle trip tomorrow?”

“Yeah, if it gets too late he will just stay on the couch,” Josh replied, shrugging. You nodded, not saying anything but knowing deep down that George would occupy the bathroom that morning so you would have to get up even earlier than normal.

That would be a stressful day.

#maybege writes #aaron hotchner x fem!reader #aaron hotchner x reader #hotch x reader

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nugnthopkns · 4 years ago

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i wish i could disappear

word count: 3.6k

warnings: explicit!fem reader, cursing, feelings of anxiety due to social media harassment, invasion of privacy that border on stalking

recommended listening: brutal | olivia rodrigo

series masterpost: here

a/n: and we're off to the races!! i love this album and olivia so much. there's a shoutout to goon by tobias jesso jr. in here bc it's my favourite album to cry to lmao (highly recommend giving it a listen!). i'm on the fence about this one but am posting it anyways because i don't think i can make it any better

How the fuck do people find your social media?

All of your accounts are private and Kevin makes sure to never tag you on the rare occasion he posts a picture of the two of you together. The wives and girlfriends who have public accounts make sure to never post about you, and you’re careful not to comment on posts often. You’re a private person and though you understand that due to the nature of your relationship with Kevin you intrigue some fans, you don’t want to give them more than you have to.

Despite making no attempt to open up to the public or media, every day you wake up with hundreds of follow requests from complete strangers. At first it was a little exciting knowing that people were curious about your life but after years of the same routine it’s become draining. It takes you nearly twenty minutes each day to weed through them and accept only the people you know personally. Kevin doesn’t actually know how many people want to catch a glimpse of your daily life because you do your best to keep it from him. Knowing would only bring him stress, and you want him to be able to focus on winning games and loving you with his entire heart.

☼☼☼☼

The phone on your desk rings loudly, pulling your attention away from the computer screen that has way too many numbers on it for your liking. The finance department needed someone to proof their audit before sending it away and since you’re the only one in human relations that has a business degree the job landed on your shoulders. Eager to take a break, you pick it up and press the receiver against your ear.

“Hello?”

The voice on the other side laughs gently, but you immediately know it’s Kevin. “Hi sweetheart,” he says warmly, “How’s work?”

“Fine I guess. It’s work, Kev. Nothing terribly exciting happens here,” you explain but continue to fill him in on all the coffee pot gossip you got this morning. Kevin listens as you complain about forgetting your lunch on the counter and chuckles at how upset the situation makes you.

“What if I told you I’m outside your window with a burrito bowl?”

Excited at the possibility of seeing your boyfriend before dinnertime, you whip towards the window and spot Kevin on the sidewalk, waving like an idiot despite knowing your office is on the fifth floor. You hang up quickly after telling him you’ll be down in two minutes and let the receptionist know you’re stepping out for lunch. There’s a line for the elevator so you head to the stairwell, taking them two at a time in your haste. You’re crossing the street to the small park where Kevin has set up a picnic before your co-workers are even out the door.

You plop down on the blanket beside Kevin and lean into him. He presses a sweet kiss to your forehead before passing you the food he brought. You take a bite, sighing at the taste. Kevin knows you better than you know yourself and knew exactly what to get that would satisfy your mounting hunger.

“Thanks babe,” you smile, holding up your fork and offering him a bite. He takes it graciously but makes a face. “What’s the matter?” you laugh as you take the utensil back.

“I fucking hate avocado.”

The two of you eat in relative silence, speaking only when you remember a detail from your morning. Kevin tells you about the drills he’s going to lead at practice in the afternoon and what he plans on cooking for dinner since he’ll be home before you. You insist you can whip something up when you get home but Kevin shakes his head. He reminds you that relationships are give and take, and that you’ve made dinner the past three nights because he had a string of games. You manage to reach a compromise that has you doing the dishes before you have to return to work.

Kevin insists on walking you back to your office even though you protest vehemently. Your relationship is far from secret, and has been the topic of workplace gossip more times than you can count, but after five years you’ve learned to ignore most of it. However, you don’t want your co-workers to think you flaunt your NHL player boyfriend to prove you’re better than them. They all love Kevin, and a couple of them congratulate him on last night’s goal as he follows you down the hall. A few of the newer hires stare in awe and shake his hand, completely blown away that one of Philadelphia’s biggest stars is asking how they like their jobs.

“Pretty soon they’re going to approach you to do PR for us,” you chuckle as you flip the light on and close the door of your office.

His laughter echoes off the walls as a pair of strong arms find a home around your waist. “It would be kind of fun to hear myself crush those radio commercials.”

“Since when do you listen to the radio?”

“Checkmate,” Kevin sighs, pulling you closer. He kisses you quickly, not wanting to give a show to anyone who could be walking past, but it still sends you reeling. You don’t want him to pull away and kiss him again.

You get your way for a few more moments and then Kevin’s leaving with a promise to not burn the house down and wishes for a good rest of the day. Focussed on giving the audit its final once-over you don’t bother pulling your phone from the drawer you had placed it in when you got to work that morning. You turn up the small radio at the corner of your desk and get to work scanning the document for errors. There’s a mistake halfway through that skews the rest of the data and fixing it takes a bit of time, but it isn’t a huge deal. You have nothing else to do except answer a few emails and organize meetings for after the weekend.

An hour or so later you’ve completed all your tasks and debate what to do. It’s too early to leave for the day, so you decide to kill time by checking your phone. You’re expecting a few notifications, perhaps two or three memes in the group chat you share with your friends, but not the hundreds that greet you.

The majority of them are instagram notifications, and assuming they’re just more fans requesting a follow you ignore them, instead heading to your text messages. There’s a picture from Kevin of a dog he found walking home and another from your mom asking why you haven’t called home in a few weeks. However the one from Claude’s wife is the one that piques your curiosity.

Just a heads up that someone posted a pic of you and Kev to one of those stupid wag pages. I filed a request for Instagram to take it down but it’s gotten a lot of traction. Sorry :((

Your heartbeat increases rapidly and a million thoughts fly through your head at a rapid speed. Fingers shaking, you respond with a thanks and open up the dreaded app. You don’t see it immediately, your feed being full of photos belonging to friends and family, but it’s in your messages almost two hundred times. Many of them have text attached and you know there will be a comment about your relationship regardless of which one you open.

Tapping on the most recent message you brace yourself for the worst. The new window opens a photo someone took of you and Kevin while eating lunch in the park across from your office not even three hours prior. It’s grainy and the camera angle is strange, but you’re eating and Kevin is looking somewhere out of frame. The accompanying caption reads Kev and his girlfriend out for lunch today! Follow @philllywagupdates for more :).

You let out a sigh of relief – it could have been a lot worse. Personal pictures of yourself have made it onto pages like that before and most of them they’re paired with mean-spirited captions about your appearance or other trivial matters. Assuming you’re in the clear, you head back to the page of the original message to thank the person for bringing the post to your attention. However, the message accompanying the post is anything but positive.

He can’t even fucking look at you. It’s only a matter of time before he leaves you

The blood in your veins runs cold. You know it’s not true – Kevin’s made it clear you’re the one and truthfully you’re just waiting for a ring – but it doesn’t stop the sting you feel. What could possess someone to say such horrible things? You decide not to respond despite, possibly opening another can of worms with the seen function, and close the app. Leaning back in your office chair you focus on anything but your phone, looking out the window at passersby while regaining your breath. It works for a while, but eventually not knowing what others said eats away at you. You go through every single message to see hundreds of similar comments to the first, with only a few saying they’re glad you’re happy or how posting the picture is a violation of your privacy.

By the time you’re finished your spirit has been crushed. However, it’s also an acceptable time to start the weekend – at least no one in the office will have to see you cry. Things are hastily packed into your bag and you wave a few quick goodbyes before once again taking the stairs. You curse yourself for deciding to walk to work that morning and set off in the direction of home wiping away tears. The last thing you need right now is for someone to recognize you, but you have to get home. Tobias Jesso Jr plays at much too loud a volume through your headphones and Kevin will most certainly remind you it’s bad for your hearing, but the melancholy piano riffs of Goon overpower the thoughts swirling around your head.

Do people really feel that way about me?

Are my friends just too nice to stop inviting me places?

Does Kevin really feel trapped?

Hundreds of similar sentiments and situations cross your mind as you stumble through the streets of downtown Philadelphia, but you force them as far back as possible before opening the door to the apartment you share with Kevin. Hoping to slip inside undetected, you take your shoes off slowly and throw your jacket on the end table instead of hanging it in the closet. Your plan fails somehow and Kevin hears you, greeting you in a goofy apron covered in flour.

“Hey sweetheart,” he smiles, but it drops once your eyes meet and he sees the hurt on your face. “What’s the matter?”

“It’s nothing,” you insist, trying to step around him in pursuit of the bathroom.

Kevin doesn’t buy it and sees right through your feeble words. “It’s not nothing if you’re this upset. If you don’t want to talk now that’s fine, but I think you should get it off your chest.”

You know he’s right, but you also know you can’t tell him the true cause of your despair. “Just some work stuff,” you sigh. “The audit got all fucked up and I had to fix it even though it’s not my job.”

It’s not technically a lie, which makes you feel better, and Kevin buys it. He presses a sweet kiss to your lips in sympathy. “Go take a shower and the gnocchi should be ready by the time you’re done. We can spend the night cuddling on the couch.”

“And watching Selling Sunset?”

“We can watch whatever you want sweetheart,” he chuckles. You part from him with a final kiss and head to the bathroom. Hopefully the steam from the water will carry away the negativity brought on by that damn post.

☼☼☼☼

Time passes but the hateful comments on social media don’t stop. In fact, you’re pretty sure they get worse. It’s so bad that you’ve deleted every app except facebook because you need it for work. Kevin doesn’t notice your abstinence from social media, but he picks up on how you spend more time criticizing yourself or staring off into space. When he pushes you either brush him off or feed some bullshit excuse about how work is getting you down. You know he doesn’t believe you but trusts you enough to come to him when you’re ready to talk.

You aren’t sure if you’ll ever be able to tell Kevin what’s been going on. There’s been scrutiny from social media before, when you first started dating, but it quieted down after the initial media frenzy. He helped you through that but it’s different this time around. Never before have you had strangers tell you your life is worthless or that your boyfriend should end your relationship. Some of the other wags notice your absence on instagram but chalk it up to you just taking a break. They reach out via the group chat and send wishes to see you at the next home game. It’s nice to know they care, but the voice in your head that has grown much larger in recent weeks tells you they don’t truly mean it. This leads you to decline the invite as politely as possible, citing extended work hours for your absence. In reality you’re too anxious to be anywhere that isn’t home or work, petrified someone is going to post something that will add fuel to the flames of those who interrogate you.

It’s another Friday afternoon, and you’re leaving the office early once again. There’s a small craft exhibition taking place around the corner from work and today is the last day it’s open. You had been meaning to go all week, hoping to find something small to add to Kevin’s birthday gift. As you step out of the building there’s a small group of young women, who don’t look old enough to have graduated college, standing off to the side. It fills you with dread, worried that somehow someone found out where you work and the insults are going to start occurring verbally, but you force yourself to be rational. You work fairly close to one of the artsier districts in the city and it’s more than likely they just want to find a cute mural to take pictures in front of.

You pass by and swear you hear them snicker, but you remind yourself you’ve just been jumpy lately. When they peel from their place on the wall and follow behind at a distance you think the coincidences are running out. It seems a little too strange how their movements line up with yours, and you go down a few winding side streets in an attempt to lose them. Part of you feels ridiculous because what group of barely legal girls would track a full-blown adult around a city of nearly two million people, but your life is currently strange enough you can’t be sure. They don’t follow you, and by the time you reach the market your heart rate has returned to normal.

The first few stalls have little to catch your eye, but a few rows in you find a leatherworker who makes adorable wallets. Kevin’s is ridiculously old and falling apart at the seams – his mom bought it for him before the two of you got together. You think a new one will make a perfect addition to the concert tickets you already bought and browse the table for something simple and elegant. A deep brown one with tan braiding around the edges catches your eye and you know it’s the one for Kevin. Checking the price to make sure you have enough cash in your wallet, you approach the shop owner to purchase. The older man has a kind smile that reaches his eyes as he thanks you for purchasing from him.

“No, thank you for making something so beautiful!” you gush. “My boyfriend is going to love it.”

It’s then you hear it – snickering accompanied by the click of a camera. You look over your shoulder to see the same group of girls from before laughing as they huddle over a cell phone, no doubt already starting to broadcast the photo across the internet. Tears prick at the corners of your eyes but you refuse to let them fall. Those girls don’t deserve to see their mission accomplished, but the longer they laugh at you the harder it is to swallow your feelings.

Head held high, you thank the owner one more time before holding your head high and walking past the group. The only way out is past them so you hold your breath and pray they don’t notice you. Unfortunately you aren’t that lucky, and one of them looks up just as you come into earshot.

“If Kevin doesn’t leave you after that sorry excuse for a gift I don’t know what’s wrong with him,” she sneers.

Another one chimes in, “You’re honestly so pathetic.” They all cackle in amusement, and you speed up. The tears flow freely now, and you call an uber even though it will be a ridiculous amount of money. You just want to get home.

The uber driver doesn’t say anything when you get in, though you know it’s strange to be bawling your eyes out at four in the afternoon. You can’t help it – weeks of keeping all the hate to yourself finally got to you and being followed with the sole intent of ridicule is the final straw. At one red light he silently passes you a box of tissues, which you accept gratefully.

Luckily the lobby of your apartment complex is empty and you manage to get to your floor without encountering a familiar face. There’s a few hours until Kevin gets home from his final roadtrip of the season, and if you play your cards right you can get all the tears out and be as normal as possible before he comes through the door. You don’t even bother to put anything away, just head straight to the bathroom to slump against the tub. Sobs rack your body and you lose all sense of time. All you can feel is the hurt you’ve been holding in releasing itself and soaking the material of your blouse.

Kevin finds you laying in the position hours later. He tripped over your shoes coming in the door and immediately knew something was wrong – you always place them neatly on the rack in the closet upon arriving home. Peering through the quiet house for a hint at where you are, he sees the bathroom light on and makes a beeline for the room. It breaks his heart to see you like this, and even more so because he doesn’t know what spurred it on.

“Sweetheart, hey,” he coos, maneuvering his body to sit beside you and pull you into his lap. “What’s the matter?”

You bury your head in his shoulder and clutch the material of his dress shirt as you cry harder at the sound of his voice. Kevin takes your reaction in stride, rubbing circles on your back and working on evening out your breath. He doesn’t pressure you to speak and provides the stability you desperately crave as the world around you spins. An unknown amount of time passes before your tears run out, but spend it all on the bathroom floor curled into Kevin.

“I guess I should have told you sooner,” you mumble, “But I didn’t want to bother you.”

Concern laces Kevin’s features and his eyebrows knit together. “Tell me what?”

“I, uh, have been the subject of some internet hate for the past little bit,” you say sheepishly. It feels stupid to not have told him now, but you can’t change that. “But you were really busy with the season and I wanted to make sure your head was completely focused on the game so I just dealt with it myself. I deleted the apps and tried my best to go about my life. And then today after work I was followed by some people and they said some really hurtful stuff and shit became a little too real.”

“I’m so fucking sorry.”

It’s your turn to be confused. “Why are you sorry Kev? You're Not the one sending me death threats.”

He tucks a loose strand of hair back into your ponytail. “Maybe not, but I still made you feel like you couldn’t talk to me about what was going on. What kind of partner am I?”

“The best one,” you say confidently. “It’s okay, I’m okay. I just want to forget about it right now. Can we just disappear for a little bit?”

Kevin wraps his arms around you tighter, as if he can engulf you to protect from the cruel outside world. “We can do whatever you want. If you want to get out of the city for a bit if you want, or just spend the next few days here away from prying eyes.”

“I love you.”

You say it because you mean it, and if you could scream it from the rooftops you would. Kevin is incredibly easy to love, even when you make it difficult for him to love you back. You know another much longer conversation is coming about everything that has happened recently because communication is the only way to solve problems and Kevin deserves that, but you’re thankful he’s willing to put it to rest for a few more moments.

He cracks a smile for the first time since he’s been home and kisses the crown of your head. “I love you too sweetheart,” he whispers, “Always and forever.”

Things are far from over and though you still never want to show your face in public ever again, you know that Kevin is going to do whatever he can to make things better and that’s enough for you.

☼☼☼☼

taglist: @ricohenrique @tortito @boqvistsbabe @iwantahockeyhimbo @himbos-on-ice @2manytabsopen if you want to be added just shoot me an ask :)

#i don't love this but here it is!!!#one day i'll like the stories i write #kevin hayes imagine #kevin hayes x reader #kevin hayes fic #philadelphia flyers imagine #nhl imagine #nhl fic #hockey imagine #hockey fic #cwrites #sour

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ibijau · 4 years ago

Note

a prompt (a/b/o, bc i like how you write it): the sunshot campaign has just ended, and nie huaisang is looking forward to a future in which he can devote himself to wooing lan xichen. the match would be a little scandalous—it’s rare for an alpha to marry in, as nie huaisang intends to—but alpha-beta pairs are perfectly normal, and lan qiren is certainly more accepting of his first nephew’s crush than of lan wangji’s. less than three weeks into peacetime, however, nie huaisang’s plans hit a massive snag: jin zixuan has presented as an omega, removing him from the jin line of succession (and nie huaisang cannot help but be a little offended by that, on da-ge’s behalf—omegas can lead just as well as anyone else! the jin succession tradition is just stupid). but that’s the way things are in the jin sect, and so madame jin is scrambling to put together a marriage to get her son out of lanling before the worst happens... and the top two candidates on her list just so happen to be lan xichen and nie huaisang himself.

hello and welcome to: I like that prompt a little too much and got carried away, so now it’s 8K long. Also on AO3

warning for some mentions of rape toward the end of the story

Nie Huaisang’s plan starts when, at the tender age of eleven, he is introduced to the boy who doesn’t yet go by the name of Lan Xichen and is about to become his brother’s closest friend. Nie Huaisang, young as he is, decides that this is his true love, and of course he must ensure Lan Huan and him have the most perfect future possible together. He learns about Gusu Lan, reads as many books as he can, educates himself in the four arts, and even makes a vague effort to somewhat improve his cultivation, all so he can be the perfect spouse for a future sect leader.

A little after turning fourteen, Lan Xichen presents as a beta. It is a small deviation from Nie Huaisang’s plan, who was firmly expecting his beloved to be an alpha, but that is no big problem. Lan Xichen is Lan Xichen, he is the most perfect person in the world. Details don’t matter too much.

Another deviation from Nie Huaisang’s plan occurs when, a few days short of his own fourteenth birthday, he presents as an alpha. That, of course, is an absolute disaster. Nie Huaisang doesn’t want to be an alpha. Qinghe Nie is full of those, and he isn’t too impressed with them. He is on the brink of a complete meltdown when he figures that if his brother can be an omega who has all the qualities of an alpha, then surely he can be an alpha living the easy going life of an omega, including marrying into another sect.

Of course Nie Mingjue isn’t very happy that Nie Huaisang refuses to behave like a proper alpha, like a proper Nie, but he can hardly make an arguments against that choice without undermining his own position, so it doesn’t matter. Nie Huaisang cheerfully goes back to planning his happy future, researching cases of an alpha marrying into another sect. There are more of those than he would have expected to find, and though it is mostly alpha marrying other alphas, Nie Huaisang now knows he can rest on a precedent to argue his case.

With all this settled, the hardest part of his plan begins: seducing Lan Xichen.

It is easy enough to be sent to the Cloud Recesses to study there. A little too easy, really. Nie Huaisang suspects that his brother wanted him to go there anyway just to have some peace, and in hopes Lan Qiren might straighten him out a bit. Nie Huaisang doesn’t mind though, since it gives him a chance to be close to the love of his life. He also doesn’t mind his dreadful grades which give him a good excuse to spend time with Lan Xichen, begging him to help. Lan Xichen, generous and kind and patient and perfect in nearly every aspect, as well as eager to be a good friend to Nie Mingjue, even by proxy, of course agrees and allows Nie Huaisang to spend far more time in his room than is probably reasonable.

It would be a little scandalous really, but when Lan Qiren once tries to raise the issue in front of his nephew, Lan Xichen just laughs gently.

“Huaisang is nothing more than a little brother to me,” he says. “How could anyone think any different?”

It is a hard blow to Nie Huaisang’s fragile teenage ego, and a new setback to his perfect plan. At the same time, he has been in the Cloud Recesses for almost half a year by now, and has already guessed that this is how Lan Xichen sees him. Two years of difference won’t mean much once they are adults and married, but right now it is a pretty big gap.

Having accepted this, Nie Huaisang changes his plan again, but not his goal. If all Lan Xichen needs from him at the moment is a less stuck up little brother than the real one, Nie Huaisang will be happy to provide. He likes making Lan Xichen laugh anyway, and it’s obvious that Lan Xichen enjoys having someone to guide and teach in a way Lan Wangji won’t allow.

He can be patient, when he needs to be.

He can also be exactly as stupid as the situation calls for. It’s easy as anything to completely fail his exams. Lan Qiren almost has a qi deviation on the spot after reading Nie Huaisang’s final test, and Nie Mingjue is furious, but he can deal with that just fine, as long as he gets to come back another year in the Cloud Recesses and make sure nobody else can seduce the love of his life before puberty fully hits and gives him his fair chance.

That second year in the Cloud Recesses proves to be a test of Nie Huaisang’s determination in ways he hadn’t expected.

In his defence, the world has many more pretty boys than he ever realised.

Lan Wangji, heinous little bitch that he is, got hit hard by puberty in the short time that Nie Huaisang went home. He’s suddenly a head taller than Nie Huaisang, and looking every bit the alpha that he is even though he’s a year younger. Nie Huaisang is devoured with envy because just two months ago, Lan Wangji was just a baby, but suddenly he is very, very handsome.

Then, there’s the other guest disciples as well. Most are pretty decent looking, but some stand out from the crowd. Jiang Cheng has a bone structure to kill for, sharp eyes, and his rare smile is as radiant as sunshine on the lingering snows of spring. And everywhere he goes, Wei Wuxian follows, tall and more graceful than any boy of fifteen has any right to be. They make a stunning pair of alphas, really, to the point that it worries Nie Huaisang when the three of them strike a friendship of sorts. First, because there’s a few times when he finds himself wondering what it’d be like to kiss one of them, which is an awful betrayal of his one true love Lan Xichen. Second, because his looks are already inadequate to begin with, so hanging out with those two only makes him look even plainer by contrast.

What Nie Huaisang needs, he decides after a few weeks, is someone less pretty than him to spend time with, so he’ll look somewhat handsome next to them. And so, after some brief consideration, his great plan changes again to adapt to this new situation.

Nie Huaisang becomes friends with Jin Zixuan.

Well, saying they’re friends might be pushing it. Instead, Nie Huaisang forcibly spends time with Jin Zixuan, when Wei Wuxian is being punished by Lan Wangji, Jiang Cheng is studying, and Lan Xichen is too busy as well. It’s rather clear that Jin Zixuan isn’t very enthusiastic to have company. Quite frankly, Nie Huaisang wouldn’t have picked him as a companion either, if he’d had a choice. Jin Zixuan is haughty, has no conversation, no humour, a bad personality, and is just all around boring. He is also tragically baby faced, hasn’t even presented yet, and has nothing to recommend him except for the fact that his father is sect leader. It is practically a charity case. Indeed, when Lan Xichen hears that Nie Huaisang has been trying to become friends with Jin Zixuan, he congratulates him on it.

“I think he is a rather lonely person, isn’t he?” Lan Xichen remarks. “I’m glad you’re trying to help him. Hopefully you’ll help him relax a little.”

“Like I do with you, Xichen-gege?” Nie Huaisang boldly asks.

Lan Xichen laughs a little awkwardly, and Nie Huaisang could swear there’s a spot of colour on the older boy’s cheeks.

“I suppose I do relax when I’m with you. Are you thinking of replacing me, now that you’ve found a friend more your age?”

“Of course not,” Nie Huaisang earnestly promises. “Xichen-gege will always be the most important person for me!”

Lan Xichen smiles gently at him. “You are a good boy, and I’m sure your brother will be proud of you. I know I am.”

Hearing this, Nie Huaisang nearly faints from happiness. Just for this, it’s worth it to put up with Jin Zixuan.

But in fairness, as weeks pass, Nie Huaisang finds it a little easier to be around Jin Zixuan. The other boy mellows a bit, like a wild beast being slowly tamed. And once Wei Wuxian leaves, Jin Zixuan suddenly isn’t so prickly anymore, now that nobody is constantly taunting him and picking fights with him. He even has a sense of humour, when you know how to spot it. The first time Nie Huaisang bursts out laughing over a muttered remark Jin Zixuan made, it’s hard to say who is most surprised.

Besides, Jin Zixuan is one of the few people Nie Huaisang has met who doesn’t judge him for not striving to be a perfect alpha. Just like Lan Xichen, Jin Zixuan is surprisingly accepting of Nie Huaisang’s peculiarities.

“I prefer someone like you over some alphas who act right in public, then do everything wrong in private,” Jin Zixuan says with open disdain one day, as they walk in a garden of the Cloud Recesses.

It is a beautiful summer day, and the school year is almost over, which makes Nie Huaisang rather sad. He had planned to stay another year, still to make sure that nobody else makes a move on Lan Xichen, but he’s starting to think it will be lonely without the other friends he’s made.

“Well, I’m hardly much of an alpha in private too,” Nie Huaisang argues.

Jin Zixuan shrugs. “Not in the typical way. But you’re very protective of the people you care about, right? And you like to make people feel included. Like me and Lan gongzi… even Lan er-gongzi, when he lets you. You really don’t like when people seem lonely, do you?”

A little embarrassed to have such kind motives assigned to his actions, Nie Huaisang doesn’t reply right away. He pretends to inspect some gentians near Jin Zixuan’s feet, admiring how the deep blue of the petals contrasts rather beautifully against the gold of Jin robes.

He can’t explain that he’s always around Lan Xichen because he’s madly in love with this perfect boy, or that if he’s nice to Lan Wangji, it’s mostly just because they’re going to be in-laws someday. Above all else, he absolutely can’t tell Jin Zixuan why he decided to start spending time with him, mostly because he’s changed his mind so much since then. Jin Zixuan really isn’t boring after all, and he’s not quite so plain after all. Even if his face is still a little too round and soft for his age, there are signs here and there of what a handsome alpha he will be one day. Out of everyone he's met this year, Jin Zixuan is Nie Huaisang's favourite new friend.

“Jin-gongzi is giving me too much credit,” Nie Huaisang says at last. “I just wanted a friend less annoying than Wei-xiong, and you happened to be there.”

“Is that why you only call me gongzi, when you’re never this formal with others?” Jin Zixuan asks, sounding… not quite hurt, he has too much self control for that, but still…

Well, still a little bit hurt, actually.

“I know how your sect likes formality,” Nie Huaisang explains. “I just don’t want to disrespect you.”

“The Lan too are very formal, but you call Lan Xichen ��gege’ all the time.”

“Oh that’s different, that’s just because he’s my da-ge’s friend!” Nie Huaisang lies. “We’re close enough the two of us, so it’s fine to call him like that.” An idea hits him, and he leans toward Jin Zixuan with a wicked grin. “If you’re so jealous though, I can call you Jin-didi. Would that work for you?”

In an instant, Jin Zixuan’s face turns a bright red and he splutters in anger. Nie Huaisang can’t help laughing at that cute reaction.

“Who says I’m jealous?” Jin Zixuan explodes. “What’s there to be jealous about?”

Nie Huaisang pokes him in the ribs, still laughing. “Jin-didi, it’s fine to have a crush on an older boy, it’s normal! I understand, I really do! Thank you, Jin-didi, for entrusting your heart to me!”

“Stop calling me that!” Jin Zixuan shouts, so mortified that he’s nearly crying.

“Jin-didi! Don’t worry, this Nie-gege doesn’t mind at all. It happens, it’s because you’re probably going to present as an alpha soon, and so you’re looking for role models around you. I am so flattered, Jin-didi. It will pass though, everyone grows out of it, don’t worry.”

Jin Zixuan’s face is so red that he looks sunburned, and the dot of cinnabar on his forehead looks almost pale compared to his face.

“You’re so stupid,” Jin Zixuan hisses, shoving Nie Huaisang to the side and stomping away. “I don’t know why I even put up with you, you’re even more annoying than Wei Wuxian!”

Nie Huaisang is too breathless from laughter to stop him from leaving. It’s for the best anyway, Jin Zixuan looked like he might pick up a fight with him for offending his dignity like this, and Nie Huaisang doesn’t feel like being punched in the face.

Still, from that day on, he makes sure to call Jin Zixuan ‘didi’ every chance he gets, just because he makes such funny faces.

Nie Huaisang passes his exams at the end of the year, because Lan Xichen told him that Nie Mingjue really doesn’t want him to be away from home this long again, not when the Wens have been acting up lately. For a second, Lan Xichen seems a little sad when Nie Huaisang promises to do his best, but it must just have been a trick of the light. When Nie Huaisang blinks, Lan Xichen’s expression is warm and polite and slightly impersonal, as always.

It’s fine anyway, Nie Huaisang figures. They’re sure to meet again soon. And when they’re married, Nie Huaisang will be able to stay in the Cloud Recesses for good, and they’ll be happy, and Nie Mingjue’s paranoia won’t ruin all his plans anymore.

It turns out that Nie Mingjue’s paranoia was, in fact, justified all along.

That’s not such a big surprise, Nie Huaisang must admit. Others tend to think his brother is stupid, but he knows better. Nie Mingjue might be a big brute, but he’s a clever one who understands politics better than anyone would suspect. He doesn’t care to play the game, but he knows the rules and he watches the moves made by others. For years and years he’s tried to warn others of the troubles he’s guessed were coming, but no one listened.

Well, they’re going to listen now, Nie Huaisang figures as he makes his way to Nightless City to serve as hostage with other disciples of Qinghe Nie. It’s kind of hard to ignore when every young master or mistress from every sect in the country is being held and re-educated by Wen Ruohan’s minions.

The whole time they’re there, Nie Huaisang tries to play it cool, like none of this affects him. He’s somewhat lucky because the Wen don’t seem to realise that he’s an alpha, and so they barely pay attention to him, while they endlessly bother Jiang Cheng, Wei Wuxian, Lan Wangji and even poor Jin Zixuan who hasn’t even presented yet. These four get harassed daily about this and that. Their attitude is too rebellious, or too tame for proper alphas. They try too hard, or not hard enough. They’re too skilled and clever, or else they’re playing stupid and clearly trying to mock Qishan Wen.

In fairness, all of these accusations are absolutely true when it comes to Wei Wuxian. But even if he were to behave properly, Nie Huaisang suspects the Wen would find some fault with him.

Nie Huaisang watches all that and tries to stay out of it. The most he can do, anyway, is to offer the medicine he secretly brought with him (his brother insisted, and he was right as always) and to share his portion of food with his friends whenever they’re denied a meal. At least, when they accept. Jiang Cheng does sometimes, unless his pride gets in his way. Wei Wuxian usually refuses and boasts that he’s been wanting to practice inedia for a while anyway. Lan Wangji isn’t so loud about it, but does the same. Poor Jin Zixuan, though… even when he’s given his own portion of food he always seems hungry, so the days when he must do without are particularly hard on him. He still tries to refuse when Nie Huaisang wants to share, but in his case, Nie Huaisang doesn’t hesitate to insist.

“You’re going to present soon, aren’t you?” he whispers, pushing his bowl of bland, watery congee toward Jin Zixuan who nods miserably. Nie Huaisang remembers the horrible hunger he felt for a few weeks before presenting, when his body was hard at work preparing for the big changes that were coming. Even with all the food he could ask for he’d been starving, so he can’t imagine how much Jin Zixuan must be suffering. “You have to eat, Jin-didi,” he orders. “Please, eat something, or else your Nie-gege will be sad.”

It says a lot about Jin Zixuan’s state that he doesn’t even object to being called this way. Nie Huaisang lets Jin Zixuan have both of his meals that day, explaining that he actually has snacks hidden along with his medicine.

It’s not his best lie, but it does the trick that time, and the following ones as well.

After a week of this, Nie Huaisang is starting to feel a little unwell. His golden core just isn’t very strong, and cannot sustain him through inedia the way it would for others. He’s always known this, there’s just something not quite right with his meridian which means cultivation doesn’t come easy for him. Usually it doesn’t bother him, but after eating so little for several days, of course there’s side effects… but someone has to take care of Jin Zixuan, right?

It’s almost a relief when they’re told one morning that everyone is going on a Night Hunt. It’s not the first one Wen Chao took them on, and while it’s unpleasant to fight creatures without weapons, at least they’ve always been given better rations.

In the end, good rations feel like a poor trade for what happens on that Night Hunt. Nie Huaisang has never been so terrified in his life, except when he was eleven and his father lost his mind… although this is worse, so much worse. His father wounded some people, but he didn’t kill anyone the way that false Xuanwu does, slaughtering anyone it can grab before they manage a daring escape, thanks to Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian. Nie Huaisang, who is a fairly decent swimmer, ends up helping Jin Zixuan through the underwater passage, since the other boy is starting to look really unwell. He hasn’t been hurt, thankfully, but it’s clear he’s close to presenting. He must have only a few days left at best, or more likely a few hours.

Maybe that’s why even after they’re safely out of the cave, Jin Zixuan won’t let go of Nie Huaisang’s hand, why he leans so heavily against his side. Nie Huaisang allows it all. He probably should hand Jin Zixuan over to the Jin disciples present, but if they were trustworthy, Jin Zixuan would already have gone to them for comfort, wouldn’t he?

“It’s okay, Jin-didi,” Nie Huaisang tells the other boy while putting his free hand on Jin Zixuan’s forehead. He’s burning, and this is really the worst time and the worst place to be presenting, but it’s going to happen anyway. “I’m here with you. We’re going to get you home, and then you’ll be safe, right?”

Jin Zixuan nods weakly. “Thank you, Nie-gege,” he whispers, and Nie Huaisang’s heart does somersaults in his chest at being called that. It makes him want to keep Jin Zixuan close, to really protect him from anyone that might hurt him.

It’s a stupid idea, of course. Jin Zixuan is about to present, and when that’s over, when he’s an alpha, he’s never going to need anyone’s protection again. What’s happening here won’t last very long.

Nie Huaisang figures it’s fine to enjoy this while it’s there. He’s sure Lan Xichen, if he’s still alive, will understand that even an alpha as weak and pathetic as him needs to feel protective here and there.

It takes a long, long while to go home on foot. By the time Nie Huaisang and the other Nie disciples reach Qinghe, a war has been declared against the Wen because they’ve attacked the Lotus Piers and annihilated the entirety of Yunmeng Jiang. Nie Huaisang cries upon hearing this, because Jiang Cheng was fine when he last saw him, because it’s unfair that Wei Wuxian was rescued from that cave only to die like this anyway.

He cries also because Nie Mingjue is going to risk his life, because there’s still no news from Lan Xichen.

He cries because he won’t even be able to help his brother, and is to be sent to the Cloud Recesses where he’s less likely to be captured and used as a hostage again.

He cries because that’s all he’s good for, apparently.

Lan Xichen is alive.

Nie Huaisang cries when Lan Qiren tells him, and then doesn’t shed a single tear again and sets to work to be of some use in this war they’re fighting. The husband of a sect leader must be a useful person after all. Lan Xichen will have to deal with so many responsibilities, much earlier than he ever should have to, so Nie Huaisang needs to step up his game and become someone worthy of his future husband. He might be lazy, and spoiled, and a little useless, but Nie Huaisang is also very stubborn when he wants something, and what he wants is Lan Xichen, the most perfect person in the world.

Lan Xichen who smiles with the warmth of a tender spring afternoon, who is always calm and collected, who smells of gentian and pine trees. Lan Xichen who never has a hair out of place. Lan Xichen who always knows what to do, what to say, no matter the situation.

Lan Xichen who looks utterly broken when he comes to visit the Cloud Recesses, three months into the war.

Perhaps to others he doesn’t look so bad. The Lan disciples who are with Nie Huaisang when Lan Xichen arrives don’t comment on it. But Nie Huaisang has been observing Lan Xichen for years at this point, and he can instantly tell that something is wrong. It shows in the way the beta carries himself, how his eyes glance over things as if he cannot see what’s around him, the slight twitch at the corner of his lips when he smiles. Nie Huaisang’s heart aches to see his beloved in such a state. He hates the Wen more than ever, if such a thing is possible, for having hurt Lan Xichen this way.

Because there is so much to do, because Lan Xichen has so many responsibilities now, it seems at first that Nie Huaisang won’t have a moment alone with him. He tries to be fine with that. A sect leader’s husband must know that sometimes he comes second to the sect in question. But the hollowness in Lan Xichen’s eyes haunts him too much. That night, close to the hour for curfew, Nie Huaisang decides that he must offer some distraction to the love of his life, perhaps even some comfort, should Lan Xichen be inclined to allow it.

It’s risky to be out and about at that hour. Even at such a time, the Lan are strict with their rules, and Nie Huaisang knows he will be scolded, or even punished, if he is caught. To avoid that he doesn’t knock on the front door of Lan Qiren’s house, where he knows Lan Xichen is also living for the time being, and instead comes in through the back. He will be in so much trouble if he’s spotted, but love comes before rules. Soon enough he’s inside a private garden, knocking on the door of the only room where a candle still burns.

To Nie Huaisang’s relief, it is indeed Lan Xichen who opens that door for him.

To his horror, Lan Xichen looks even worse than before, his eyes red from crying.

“Huaisang, what are you doing here?” Lan Xichen asks, trying to quickly regain his composure.

“I thought I’d come see you, Xichen-gege. You looked like you might need a friend.”

Lan Xichen takes in a sharp breath, like he’s trying not to sob. He manages to keep his face impassive, but two tears still drop on his cheeks, leaving a shiny trail behind. If Nie Huaisang didn’t have such excellent manners, he would lunge forward to kiss away those tears.

“I’m not sure I’m fit for company,” Lan Xichen says in a voice that trembles a little. “I find myself in a rather emotional state at the moment.”

“Then you definitely need a friend,” Nie Huaisang replied. “I offer myself, if you’ll have me.”

A few more tears escape Lan Xichen’s reddened eyes, which he tries to wipe away quickly, like a child just starting to learn he’s not supposed to cry in public. Nie Huaisang braces himself for rejection, but Lan Xichen instead pinches the hem of his sleeve and pulls him inside.

“You’ll be in trouble if someone sees you,” he explains. “How unreasonable, Huaisang… didn’t you realise that people might talk, seeing an alpha roaming around at night?”

Of all the things Nie Huaisang has thought about before coming here, that particular detail hasn’t occurred to him. People often forget he’s an alpha, and so does he, most of the time. Outside of his ruts, he might as well be a beta, and he’s convinced people who meet him must think that’s the case. But of course the Lans know better.

“Xichen-gege, I don’t want to cause you trouble or start gossip against you,” Nie Huaisang says. “I wanted to see if I could make you smile, that’s all. If you think I should leave, just say so and I’ll stop bothering you.”

“That might be…” Lan Xichen starts, before choking on his words. “Maybe you should… This is… it is…”

More tears drop on Lan Xichen's cheeks and he gasps in an alarming fashion, trying to stop himself from breaking down into sobs. Nie Huaisang’s heart clenches painfully at the sight. He takes one of Lan Xichen’s hands in his, trying to offer him comfort. Immediately Lan Xichen starts crying in earnest, falling to his knees. Nie Huaisang follows him, sitting on the floor near him, patting his hand, his shoulder even when the sobs get too heavy.

They stay like this a long while, sitting on the floor of that bare room which doesn’t really belong to Lan Xichen and only serves as a reminder of everything that he has lost. Nie Huaisang can’t find any words of comfort to offer, because he knows how empty those would feel. All he has to give is his presence, and his patience.

It is well past curfew when Lan Xichen finally calms down enough to sit a little straighter.

“How disappointed you must be, seeing me so weak,” Lan Xichen says, quickly drying his tears with the fabric of his inner robes. “I’m not the person you think I am, in the end.”

“You are that person and more,” Nie Huaisang sincerely replies. He squeezes Lan Xichen’s hand in his, barely refraining the impulse to kiss it. Seeing Lan Xichen like this, imperfect, angry and hurt, only makes Nie Huaisang love him more. How could he not, when Lan Xichen is giving him this trust? “Xichen-gege, I like everything about you, the good and the bad. I like you when you are calm in front of everything, and I like you when you can’t be strong anymore.”

Lan Xichen sighs and tilts his head, trying to smile but not quite managing it. “Huaisang…”

“I do, I really do!” Nie Huaisang insists. “I just wish I could help you more. I wish I could give you strength when yours runs out. I wish I had the power to protect you against those who would harm you. You make me wish I could be more than I am, so I could stand at your side and be of use to you.”

Lan Xichen smiles, and brings his trembling free hand to touch the alpha’s cheek.

“And I’m glad you are exactly the way you are,” Lan Xichen says with unbearable tenderness. “You are as I want you to be, as I want to see you at my side.”

Nie Huaisang’s heart is racing at those words, and he feels his face flush.

“Xichen-gege, I don’t think you and I mean quite the same thing here.”

“I think we do. I wasn’t sure what to think of this,” Lan Xichen admits, gently cupping the side of Nie Huaisang’s head, who must resist the impulse to close his eyes and lean into that touch. “I thought you only liked the image I try to give, and that you would be disappointed when you’d learn who I really am. But you’re seeing me now, and… you still like me?”

“More than ever,” Nie Huaisang whispers.

Lan Xichen smiles at him, beautiful like dawn after a cold and dark winter night.

“Then when this is over, let’s see how we can deal with this,” Lan Xichen says. “I know there’s precedent for such situations, though it will be unconventional. I fear you’ll have to marry into Gusu Lan, if this is to happen. Could you bear with that?”

Nie Huaisang nods, laughing and crying at once, delighted beyond words to realise that Lan Xichen too has made plans. He knew they were well suited for each other, he knew it all along, and finally he’s proven right.

Finally, he’s going to be happy.

The Sunshot Campaign ends, and sooner than everyone expected. Wei Wuxian’s new techniques are to thank for that… or to blame, depending who’s talking. Not everybody is fond of what Wei Wuxian has done during the war. Still, he’s a hero, one of many. Of the young masters of great sects in their generation, only Nie Huaisang and Jin Zixuan haven’t gained a title for their glorious deeds.

In fact, when Nie Huaisang asks around, it appears that Jin Zixuan didn’t contribute at all to the war, in any way. He wasn’t among those who fought, which isn’t such a surprise when Jin Guangshan barely wanted his sect involved at all. But Jin Zixuan wasn’t on the back front either, and that’s strange. Nie Huaisang knows his friend isn't a coward like him, and must have wanted to contribute in some fashion. Jin Guanshan will have tried to stop him, but Jin Zixuan is exactly the sort of person who would run away and join another sect's troupes to do his part in fighting the Wen.

Nie Huaisang becomes truly concerned when he learns that while Jin Zixuan has been absent from the war, one of Jin Guangshan's bastards has seen his status elevated and been given a title. Jin Ziyao, Lianfang-zun, is the first out of many bastards that Jin Guangshan has ever seen fit to legitimise.

Suddenly, Nie Huaisang becomes terrified for his friend. Jin Zixuan looked so unwell that day after they escaped the cave. If his group stumbled upon the Wen, if he was wounded or worse…

Jin Zixuan is absent from the banquet held in Jinlin Tai to celebrate the end of the war. It is noticed and gossiped about, especially since Jin Guangshan brought not only Jin Ziyao, but also another of his bastards, a mere child who rumour says he might legitimise as well. Worse still, Madam Jin is somewhat polite to both of her husband's bastards, when she's been known to never even allow anyone to mention his infidelities before her.

Sick with worry, Nie Huaisang cannot eat or drink anything and quickly excuses himself from the celebration. He takes refuge on a platform that overhangs above elegant gardens, leaning over a railing to admire the sight. He hoped that being alone would give him a chance to calm down, but it only makes things worse. Jin Zixuan used to say he'd make Nie Huaisang visit the gardens of Jinlin Tai someday and show the peacocks from up close, but that might never happen now, because he might be…

Nie Huaisang bursts into tears.

He shouldn't have let Jin Zixuan go with the Jin that day, he should have kept him close and protected him, so nothing could happen to him. There is no safer place in the world than with a group of Nie, and Nie Huaisang knows even a pitiful alpha like him would have sprung into action if the situation called for it.

He knows that for Jin Zixuan's sake, he would have easily torn Wen Chao's throat with his bare teeth, if it had come to that.

Nie Huaisang is still crying when Lan Xichen finds him and silently wraps his arms around him. It helps a bit, if only because it reminds Nie Huaisang that things aren't entirely awful, that even if something happened to Jin Zixuan, he won’t have to face his grief alone. They’ve talked to Nie Mingjue who grumbled mightily against his brother leaving Qinghe Nie, but that was never an argument he could have won, not when Nie Huaisang has prepared for it half his life. Once Lan Xichen’s mourning period is over, they will be married, exactly as Nie Huaisang planned.

“What has you so upset?” Lan Xichen asks, pulling his fiancé closer, enveloping him into the long layers of his robes until Nie Huaisang feels like a chick under its brooding mother.

“I’m worried about Zixuan. Nobody has seen him since the start of the war, nobody knows anything, and he isn’t here tonight…”

Lan Xichen stiffens somewhat, and for a brief moment he loses control of himself enough that Nie Huaisang can smell him, the scent of gentians and pine lingering even after Lan Xichen returns to his usual restraint.

“You’ve become very close to him, haven’t you?” Lan Xichen asks. “I don’t think you’ve asked about anyone else as much as him during the whole campaign.”

“I got news from the others all the time,” Nie Huaisang says. “But Zixuan… and he was in a concerning state last I saw him. I just feel like I should have done more for him. What if he’s…”

“He’s not dead. Ziyao would know, and he would have told me. I’ve asked on your behalf.”

Nie Huaisang smiles, and snuggles closer to the beta.

“Thank you. But what’s the matter with him then?”

Lan Xichen shrugs slightly. “Ziyao doesn’t know,” he admits. “Nobody in Jinlin Tai seems to know, except for Jin zongzhu and Jin furen. She’s the only one who gets to see him, along with a handful of servants loyal to her. Ziyao has heard that his brother might have been cursed, or fell sick somehow, but in the end he’s not really sure.”

“Poor Zixuan, he must be so bored,” Nie Huaisang sighs. He knows his friend is used to a certain isolation, but that’s different from being truly alone. He knows also that Jin Zixuan, when given the chance, isn’t someone who enjoys being on his own anyway, and that he’s an active person who likes to practice martial arts, go on Night Hunts, or even just walk around town and check shops. This situation must be a torture for him. “Do you think they’d let me see him if I asked? Or at least write to him maybe? I’m just so worried...”

Lan Xichen tenses, his scent flaring once again. Before Nie Huaisang can ask about that, he hears approaching footsteps. Since it is highly inappropriate for them to be in such an intimate position in public, and when they’re not even formally engaged, they quickly pull apart to look at the newcomer. Nie Huaisang expected his brother, or Lan Wangji perhaps.

Instead, they find themselves in front of Madam Jin. They promptly bow to her, and exchange a worried glance. She isn’t exactly known for looking kindly at couples who misbehave in her home, and her expression can best be described as cold and angry.

“Do you really wish to see my son, Nie gongzi?” she asks, startling Nie Huaisang who can only nod in answer. “Then follow me. He’ll be glad to have a visit. Lan gongzi may come as well. This might concern him as well.”

Again, the two young men trade glances, surprised by that sudden invitation. Neither of them protests, least of all Nie Huaisang who is only too happy to follow her. Lan Xichen, after some hesitation, does the same. All three of them walk in silence in the labyrinth that is Jinlin Tai until they reach a rather isolated house guarded by two fierce looking betas who have their hands on their swords as soon as they see someone approaching, and don’t let go until they recognise Madam Jin.

“Keep an eye out,” she orders the guards as the three of them go inside. “He’s been drinking, and his rut is coming close.”

The guards nod, and firmly close the door behind Madam Jin and her guests. Nie Huaisang, initially delighted to see his friend again, starts getting worried.

“Is there something wrong with Zi… with Jin gongzi?” he asks. “Why are you locking him up this way? Is he dangerous?”

“There is danger in Jinling Tai,” Madam Jin replies, leading them ahead. She knocks on a door, using an odd rhythm. “Until a better solution can be found, this is the only way I can protect my son.”

The door opens, revealing Jin Zixuan, sword in hand. Only, there’s something off about him, something that Nie Huaisang can’t quite put his finger on. Maybe it’s his clothes, which hang a little oddly and aren’t quite the cut and fabric one would expect on an alpha. Or it is the slight fear in his eyes when he opens the door, quickly replaced by defiance when he sees who is there with his mother, as if he expects Nie Huaisang and Lan Xichen to say something unpleasant. And then there’s a smell in the air, fear mixed with notes of flowers.

“Oh,” Lan Xichen says, before pinching his lips so he keeps his realisation for himself.

Jin Zixuan glares at him, then at his mother.

“I told you not to do it!” he says.

“What choice do I have?” Madam Jin replies, pushing her way into her son’s room. “This is the only way.”

After some hesitation, Nie Huaisang follows her inside. Lan Xichen does the same with a certain reluctance, and when they all sit, he does so a little closer to Nie Huaisang than is probably proper, but Nie Huaisang is too stunned by the situation to think much of it.

“I have brought you here to make a request,” Madam Jin announces, while her mortified son hides his face in his hands. “I need help in protecting my son, and after long consideration, I have come to the conclusion that the two of you are the best possible choice.”

“Mother, please, don’t!” Jin Zixuan begs, only for his mother to silence him with a gesture.

“At the start of the war, my son presented,” Madam Jin continues, ignoring the interruption. “Sadly for everyone involved, he presented as an omega.”

Nie Huaisang gasps, and stares at Jin Zixuan who looks like he might start crying. It puzzles Nie Huaisang at first, because there’s nothing bad about being an omega… or at least, not when in Qinghe Nie. Other sects have their own opinions on that, of course. He’s heard people here and there say that it is shameful and unnatural that Qinghe Nie’s leader is an omega, even one that looks and acts like an alpha, but that’s just because people are jealous of Nie Mingjue. All those petty, self-satisfied alpha just can’t stand that someone of a gender they think inferior can be so much better than they will ever be.

Of course, there’s also the fact that in most sects, only an alpha can become sect leader. Even Lan Xichen isn’t nearly as respected as he deserves to be after his brave actions during the war, and that’s not just a matter of age. Still, at least he’s a beta, and from a somewhat reasonable sect. Lanling Jin isn’t so open minded. In fact, everyone says that part of the problem between Jin Guangshan and his wife is that she’s also an alpha, when he is of the opinion that same gender couples shouldn’t be allowed to exist. He was forced into that union by his own father, everyone knows it, and only because Madam Jin's parents paid a high dowry to have her married into such a glorious sect.

"As an omega, my son cannot inherit his father's title," Madam Jin confirms. "He also wasn't allowed to take part in the war, since it would have been improper for him to be in mixed company. Alphas cannot be trusted on a battlefield… Or outside of it, as the case might be." She glances at Jin Zixuan, who looks ready to faint from sheer humiliation, then continues. "To be quite blunt, I have come to feel that Jinlin Tai is not a safe place for my son, and now that the war is over, I am seeking a way to protect him from harm."

"You want to marry him off," Lan Xichen says, his voice oddly cold in spite of his polite smile. "And I suppose you already have something in mind?"

"If I could, I would have sent him to Yunmeng Jiang," Madam Jin says. "But he has never gotten along with Jiang Wanyin, and my husband won't allow him to marry another omega as that would be improper, so Jiang Yanli is out of the question. So is Nie Mingjue, for the same reason. My husband doesn't want Zixuan to be sent to a sect too small, as he would find it humiliating. I do not want to send my son to a spouse too much older than him, as I fear for his safety. That leaves me very little choice."

Nie Huaisang frowns. He knows Jin Zixuan is more than capable of gutting even an older cultivator if they try to force him into something he doesn't want. He isn't ranked third on that list of bachelors just for his looks. Being an omega doesn't change how competent Jin Zixuan is, and Nie Huaisang has half a mind to say so.

He doesn't, but only because it suddenly hits him why Lan Xichen and him have been brought here.

"You want one of us to marry him?" he asks, while next to him Lan Xichen stiffens.

"You are the best choices," Madam Jin confirms. "My husband would probably prefer Lan zongzhu, but I personally hope you will consider this, Nie gongzi. After all, my son and you are already friends, so it would make things easier."

"Mother, stop this!" Jin Zixuan hisses between clenched teeth. "This is too… This is unnecessary."

Unsure what to think, Nie Huaisang looks up to Lan Xichen, hoping he will be the one to explain the situation. But Lan Xichen, his face pale and tight, won't look at him, or at the Jin for that matter. It falls to Nie Huaisang to handle this.

"Jin Furen, I am honoured you would think of me, and I am sure Lan zongzhu feels the same," he says. "But the fact is… Well, the truth is…"

"They're in love," Jin Zixuan hisses. "I told you it wouldn't work, mother."

Nie Huaisang looks at his friend in surprise, but Jin Zixuan refuses to look at him. More than ever, he seems ready to cry. Madam Jin, for her part, isn't impressed by this new information.

"Love is nice and well," she says, "but there are other things to consider. Your family would certainly prefer this strong political alliance."

"My brother and his uncle have already given their blessing," Nie Huaisang admits. "It's not a bad match either, politically speaking."

"But you won't have children," Madam Jin points out.

"There is a precedent for this," Lan Xichen coldly says. "Although Gusu Lan favours fidelity to one's spouse, it can be allowed to take a concubine in specific cases, such as the impossibility of having children."

"Then why not take my son as your second spouse? Or as the first one even, and have each other's company on the side? Zixuan will allow it."

Both Nie Huaisang and Lan Xichen stare at Madam Jin, shocked that she would say such a thing. Her stance on her husband's affairs is well known, and she is merciless toward adulterous couples. Nie Huaisang wants to ask her why she doesn't ask for her husband's help if she's so desperate to protect her son against threats to his virtue.

He keeps that question to himself, because the answer occurs to him, and he doesn't like it.

It is well known that Jin Guangshan is an alpha of great sexual appetite even in a normal state. It is rumoured, also, that he becomes terrifying when in rut, willing to take any omega or woman who crosses his path, willing or not. People say he might have fathered Jin Zixun with his own cousin, though since the poor omega was recently married, Jin Guangshan never had to recognise the child.

Jinlin Tai is not a good place to raise an omega these days, as Jin Zixuan knows. He told Nie Huaisang as much, back when they were studying in Gusu.

And perhaps there’s more alpha in Nie Huaisang than he realised, because the idea of Jin Zixuan being in such danger, in the place where he should be safest, fills him with a rage like nothing he’s rarely felt before. The only thing that can compare is the burning wrath that overcame him when he first heard that the Cloud Recesses had been burned, that Lan Xichen was missing. If he could, Nie Huaisang would grab Jin Zixuan this instant and fly with him to QInghe, were nobody will care that he’s an omega, where he’ll live free of fear because the rules of Qinghe Nie are very clear on how to deal with a rapist, regardless of sex, gender, and rank. It is tempting to accept Madam Jin’s demand, just to protect her son, except…

Except Lan Xichen is sitting right next to Nie Huaisang, and while his face is showing nothing, the smell of his anger is getting stronger with each passing moment. If the Lan rarely have a second spouse, let alone concubines of any sorts, Lan Xichen once explained, it is because their cultivation method tends to make them more possessive toward their cultivation partner. That’s the reason they are so careful in choosing such a partner, Lan Xichen confided when they started talking about getting married.

At that time, Nie Huaisang had easily promised that he would remain faithful no matter what, happy to finally have the affection of his favourite person in the world, happy to know that his love and patience would be rewarded, confident that there is nobody else in the world he could ever want.

Now though, he isn’t so sure what to do anymore. Marrying Lan Xichen is all he’s wanted for years and years, the culmination of a carefully crafted plan to ensure both of their happiness. But to abandon Jin Zixuan to his fate would be a crime, something against which his very soul rebels.

Between his dearest friend and the love of his life, Nie Huaisang has to choose, and risk losing someone either way.

#nie huaisang #lan xichen #jin zixuan #sangxuan #xisang #mdzs #jau writes #Anonymous

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annikasafternoonread · 4 years ago

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So. That’s The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes. Thoughts. I have them. This is going to be a long one, folks, so buckle in.

I guess my overall report would be... better than expected. That might sound like faint praise, but I had serious reservations coming into this book. I think a lot of people were concerned when it was first announced. And I certainly think those reactions were warranted and valid and I don’t regret them -- this book could have been a mess.

It wasn’t. It didn’t try to rehabilitate Snow, didn’t try to make him relatable or sympathetic or misunderstood or a victim. It didn’t do any of that. Snow was a privileged, bigoted, ignorant, self-centered asshole with a superiority complex the size of a planet. Collins got that much right at least. We can see some of the forces that conspired to make him that way, but they don’t make him any less of a terrible person who did terrible things for terrible reasons.

But. That kind of character... is not the most fun to read, honestly. I don’t love spending this much time reading a book that just makes me angry. I don’t love spending this much time with a person I hate. I think I’m glad I read it, to know more what it was and to gain some interesting context about the world, but I don’t think I’d read it again. And I don’t know that I’d recommend it. If I did, it would come with some heavy caveats on there.

So that’s my overall impression: better than expected, worth reading once and no more. On to some more specific hot takes.

So first off, Lucy Gray. I love her in a lot of ways, but she also confused me and I was a little disappointed by other aspects. She’s fun and talented and sweet, but girl what the fuck do you see in Snow he’s a shithead I mean less of a shithead to you, at least compared to the rest of the Capitol, and he did sort of save her life so like Florence Nightingale Syndrome or whatever, but ugh. Gross. I really really really wanted her to be playing him. And I’m not entirely sure she’s not.

As she says when talking about Billy Taupe being a possessive jealous asshole, flirting with people is part of the job description when you’re a performer and entertainer. It’s what she does. It’s what she’s always done. It’s what’s kept her alive for years, being charming and sweet and desirable and making people love her. And now in the Games, she’s relying on Snow to keep her alive. So the more he wants to keep her alive, the better. And if he’s in love with her, and thinks that she’s in love with him, then he’ll be very invested in keeping her alive. As Snow notes at the end, she killed quite a few people, in ways that could have been self-preservation or happenstance or mercy, but could also have been calculated as fuck. It’s hard to say.

I can’t tell you how much I hoped that she’d be cool towards him after the Games, that it would have been all for show and Snow would run back to the barracks with his tail between his legs. She didn’t, which is a big part of why I don’t think she was playing him. Her joy, her kisses, her invitations to spend time together, her song, it doesn’t seem like a lie. But on the other hand, maybe thumbing her nose at a Peacekeeper and Capitol high muckity-muck wouldn’t have been a smart move. Maybe having a Peacekeeper on your side, and someone with Capitol connections, would have been very handy. After all, he kept bringing them ice and baked goods and such. If they could keep him close, he might stand up for them if the Peacekeepers wanted to ban them (which they eventually did a few months later, so the Covey probably knew it was a possibility). He might or warn them if something bad was coming.

The thing that swung me back to “maybe” is how fast she went from “let’s run away to the woods together and be free” to “I’m gonna sic a snake on this motherfucker.” Like, yes he deserved that, but he always deserved it. That’s a hell of a swing for a few hours. Was it just realizing he might have sold out Sejanus that swung her opinion? Was there something else instead or as well? Did that push her to make new connections, or finally tip over the pile of reservations she’d been ignoring? Maybe. But it just seems... like it might have been more than that. Like maybe she was planning to ditch him anyways, though I can’t imagine why. Idk, the theory doesn’t hold together terribly well, but neither does Lucy Gray’s infatuation with another shitty possessive abusive man. Or maybe that’s just patterns.

The question of what happened to Lucy Gray honestly doesn’t interest me that much. I’m sure there’s plenty of speculation and opinions and headcanons about whether she returned to District 12 or escaped to the wilds or died there in the woods, but frankly I don’t care. Oh, I hope she lived, but it’s not relevant. There isn’t an answer, so I’m not terribly interested in figuring it out.

What I do find interesting is Dean Highbottom. He’s a very ironic character, in my opinion. He tells us at the end that he thought up the Hunger Games in a class assignment “to create a punishment for one’s enemies so extreme that they would never be allowed to forget how they had wronged you.” He didn’t actually want the Hunger Games to be real or think they ever could be, and he felt terrible about even submitting the assignment (against his will). He turned to drugs when the proposal was brought forward and became real, because he was so horrified. He didn’t believe in that kind of vengeance, didn’t want to keep that hatred alive. He didn’t think that was what humanity was or should be.

And yet. His response to Papa Snow’s betrayal in submitting an assignment about punishing innocent children for a crime they didn’t commit was to punish Snow for a crime he didn’t commit. So maybe he’s wrong about humans, or at least about himself.

I don’t think Dr. Gaul is right about human nature being inherently evil and violent and selfish, though. Put us in the right circumstances and maybe, sure, but we don’t have to be in those circumstances. She’s so caught up in the eternal war, and obviously you can’t stop a war if you believe it’s still going. And maybe eventually if you’re not hardass there’ll be another one, but maybe there won’t! And goodness knows being hardass didn’t stop the next war! It’s impossible to say for sure that if the Capitol/all of Panem had been more fair and just and kind, the next war wouldn’t have been sooner, but it’s also impossible to say that it wouldn’t have been later, or never. That seems worth fighting for. Dr. Gaul terrifies me, obviously, but she also kind of just makes me sad. What a depressing worldview. She doesn’t see it that way, I’m sure, just sees it as a challenge and a game, but it is sad.

The rest of my thoughts are less expansive, so let’s just bullet point them:

Propaganda works terrifyingly well. Be careful of your internalized biases and the messaging being fed to you.

The effects of pride and honour and position are wild. Snow was simultaneously crushed and elevated by them, as was Sejanus.

Speaking of Sejanus, he deserved better. I love my son.

The fuck was up with Clemensia? They never really resolved that. Is she actually okay? Did her skin grow back? How the hell did that happen? Could she have turned into a snake? Why was she so cutting and mean and unlike herself? Was Gaul controlling her somehow? Why did they refuse to tell her parents anything? But also how could she manage to escape from her room to sneak in on Snow? What the fuck?

I love the full circle of a Mockingjay bringing Snow up, as Lucy Gray’s voice and fame helped him to rise and bloom, to gain Dr. Gaul’s favor and the Plinths’ money, pulling him out of his , and then a Mockingjay tearing him down, when he crossed Katniss and put her family in danger and she decided he had to die.

This was a fucking essay, which I feel a little bad about, but I had a lot of thoughts and feelings okay? XD For anyone who actually read this whole thing, you are a saint, you deserve several cookies, I don’t have a way to give you any so here is instead a picture of my kitten using TBOSAS as a pillow.

Have a good day! See you soon for Mockingjay Part 2.

#annika reads #Suzanne Collins #The Hunger Games trilogy #The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes #book outro #bookshelf

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dukeofonions · 5 years ago

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Thoughts on the new Asides

Alright, I’ve watched the new video three times at this point and finally have my thoughts together. Also just in case anyone was wondering no.

No I did not get breakfast magically delivered to me and had to eat a bowl of cereal.

Oh well, there’s always next time.

Anywho, spoilers below if you haven’t seen the episode yet I would not recommend reading this.

Ready? Let’s go.

So what are my general thoughts here, I loved it. Sure there were some things that didn’t make sense to me writing wise but overall this was an adorable, funny episode that provided us with a nice break from all the angst of the main series.

Now to get into the nitty gritty.

Right off the bat the art for this was just amazing. Honestly the idea to make this episode as an animatic was a brilliant move. Not just because of how things are right now in the world (but we don’t wanna think about that) but using this form allows the characters to interact in ways that they can’t when filming live. We got to see Roman and Virgil engaging with the world around them and how they interacting with Thomas when he’s not at home. It also gives us an idea of what the world of Sanders Sides is like. Everyone acts a little more cartoony, but it still feels like the real world as well.

Also the expressions on the characters, even the background ones, were perfect. You could tell so much from a quick expression or body language and as an animation nerd, I was in love from the get go. Honestly the team should think about utilizing this format more with these Asides as it allows more freedom for the characters which can help aid the story and can be used for comedy. Not saying every episode should be animated, but if they have an idea that they simply can’t achieve in live action, they now know that this format works.

And now, on to the characters.

So this is a Roman and Virgil episode, none of the other Sides make an appearance or are even mentioned. (Well I guess Janus is vaguely referenced with all the talk of lies going around) But I can understand their absence even though I would have loved to see them even briefly like how Remus and Janus were in Are There Healthy Distractions but besides one character (which I will get too later) I didn’t really mind and it didn’t take away my enjoyment of the episode.

As usual, Virgil and Roman have a great dynamic and are hilarious with how they bounce off one another. I do question the timeline of this episode given how relaxed Virgil is around Thomas, considering the last time they were together they weren’t on the best footing and he wasn’t present at all during Putting Others First. But I’ll probably make another post about that.

Starting with Virgil, it was fun seeing him act more like his pre-AA self. Getting onto Thomas’ case about every little thing was both hilarious and way too relatable (like way to call a dude out) and him explaining introvert culture was just *cheff’s kiss* It was nice to him slightly more laid back and worrying about something else other than whether or not Thomas is a good person and keeping a dark secret about his past hidden. Also the ending with him openly celebrating with Thomas and Roman was adorable. We’ve never seen Virgil with his guard down like this, letting himself be genuinely happy in front of the others. He always hides that part of him and seeing him like this just warmed my heart because that means Thomas himself isn’t feeling anxious and is allowing himself to enjoy the moment. Sure there are some moments of doubt here and there, but it was overall a great scene and I was glad they gave us a scene with them in the apartment.

Now Roman? Oh my gosh I needed an episode where he got his happy ending and it has arrived! Considering the punch to the gut that was POF’s ending I was ecstatic to see Roman finally, finally getting something he wanted. Think about it. Roman recently gave up the callback, which he wanted more than anything, only to have it all blow up in his face and be told that his sacrifice was all for nothing. Like, ouch. But here we see him once again pursuing something he wants, and he actually gets it! He probably thought it was going to be yet another loss for him, all their efforts were for nothing, but it wasn’t! That’s one thing I love about Roman, no matter how many times he loses he never stops trying. Even when he gets knocked down to his lowest he won’t hesitate to grab the next opportunity that comes his way. And as we can see, that will and determination has paid off.

Of course we can’t forget about Thomas himself. He’s so lovable in this, trying to just get through what should be a simple shopping trip at the mall only to have the most minor things continue to interfere with that. We don’t ever really see Thomas outside of his apartment so it’s nice to finally have an explanation for that. The focus of this episode though is his attempts to find out more about the handsome stranger across the food court and work up the nerve to talk to him. One of the funniest parts of this episode (in my opinion) is when Thomas comes up with the brilliant idea to use the stickers and pins as a way to start a conversation (which honestly could have been sparked by Logan who’s had enough of this) only for it to be shot down as a horrible idea because, what else would anxiety tell you? The monologue in the bathroom was another highlight of this episode and just, gosh Thomas’ acting here is just great. Even though we can only hear his voice there’s just so much emotion put into it. It honestly sounds like he’s crying in some parts and I loved it just as much as the bathroom guy did.

And finally, last but certainly not least, we have the wonderful Nico Flores. I did not expect to love him as much as I did but like, my gosh how can you not? He’s that perfect mix of cool while still being a bit of a dork. Like did he just grab a stranger’s food and wander around looking for them to return it? Had he noticed Thomas go in the bathroom and was just awkwardly standing around waiting for him to come out? His relationship with Thomas is already super cute and I hope that he becomes a recurring character and love interest for Thomas. (Note when I say Thomas I am referring to character!Thomas and not the real Thomas) Seeing as Thomas (now referring to the real one) said this episode would be important to the plot of Sanders Sides, I think it’s safe to assume Nico will be making a return and I for one can’t wait to see more of him, along with seeing how his relationship with Thomas develops.

If I had anything negative to say about this episode, I’d have three negative things to say.

I’ll start with one that I sorta brought up earlier which regarded the absence of a certain character that just didn’t really make sense to me, and that character is Patton. Now for Logan, Janus, and Remus, I can see why they wouldn’t be there. Logan doesn’t do feelings. Janus and Virgil would be having a hissy fit the entire time. And we all know what Remus would be doing. Not saying none of them could have shown up briefly, but their absence doesn’t bother me as much as Patton’s does.

Patton is Thomas’ heart, the core of all his feelings, why wouldn’t the heart be present during a time where Thomas is starting to fall in love? He wasn’t mentioned or anything! Not even when Roman was literally telling Thomas to speak from the heart. It just rubbed me the wrong way that he wasn’t brought up at all and the reason for that has to do with another problem I had with this episode, and that was the choice to have the main thing keeping Thomas from talking to Nico was him being a liar.

The episode starts with hitting the audience on the head with this idea that Thomas is struggling with lying. Despite the fact that nothing that happens is really his fault and everything else isn’t really a big deal. I just found it odd that this was the thing they were having Virgil and Roman get onto Thomas’ case for considering, well, we already had an episode (multiple really) that have already addressed this. One could say this was a result of Roman and Virgil teaming up and being upset over Janus’ partial acceptance. The reason I don’t think this is likely is because Thomas said Virgil finding out about Janus would be a major plot point and I doubt something like that would have happened off screen (honestly the timeline for this video is so confusing)

Another reason this bothered me is because Virgil comes to the conclusion that everything that has gone wrong (the rehearsing in the bathroom, the old friend in the food court, the plant, the pretending, the hiding, the god forsaken boiled carrots) are all lies and Thomas can’t build a relationship off of lies.

But... He literally wasn’t doing that?

At this point Thomas hasn’t even talked to Nico yet. He lied to the guy in the bathroom regarding the monologue (who wouldn’t) and he tried to pretend to be a stranger’s friend (which backfired horribly so lesson learned) I don’t even know how the plant would be considered a lie (and Virgil was the one who pushed him over there anyway) I’m not sure what Virgil’s referring to with the pretending and the hiding I can only assume is when they hid in a trashcan (unless I’m not meant to take that literally) and with the carrots Thomas should have just walked away the moment he saw the rainbow pin on the backpack. That was his fault.

But not once did Thomas lie about anything to Nico. In fact when they finally started talking Thomas was nothing but honest with him, embarrassingly so. The thing Virgil was claiming to be the source of the problem just, wasn’t true. It didn’t make sense to me and still doesn’t even after my third viewing. What I had originally thought was going to happen was that they’d come to a conclusion that tied into Moving On, the episode where Thomas dealt with the aftermath of a break up with Roman, Virgil, and Patton.

Wouldn’t that be something they’d be afraid of? Say Thomas managed to hit it off with this guy. They start dating, everything is going well, only for it to end the same way his last relationship did. Wouldn’t it make a little more since for the main thing to be holding Thomas back is the fear of getting his heart broken again? Of losing yet another person he loved?

Which brings me back to previous point of Patton not being there. Considering these three were the ones to help Thomas resolve things in Moving On, why shouldn’t these three be the ones to be by him when beginning a new relationship?

Unless Patton’s been avoiding these two since currently Virgil is still on rocky ground with Patton and after what happened in POF. But again we have no idea since we don’t know when this episode takes place (well as of writing this I have no idea considering how long it’s taken me to write this Thomas may have tweeted about it or something)

Another potential reason for Patton not being there is basically what I said earlier. In Moving On he was the one struggling the most since he’s Thomas’ feelings. He could have been overwhelmed by all the emotions Thomas was dealing with and simply couldn’t bring himself to show up. This has me hoping that we’ll get a follow up Asides episode where we get to see the other side’s reactions to Nico. If not all of them at least Logan and Patton since it’s been awhile since those two had an episode together.

If that’s the case then I can understand keeping Patton out of this one. But that doesn’t change the fact that I find the whole “lies” thing to be a bit ridiculous.

The final thing I have some of an issue with is how Virgil was the one to “save the day” in this. Throughout this episode Virgil was the one causing the problems (which isn’t to say anything bad about Virgil it’s literally his job to protect Thomas and that includes protecting him from rejection and heartbreak) while Roman was pushing Thomas to go take a chance. I dunno, this one isn’t as big of an issue since I still like the conclusion and Roman calling Virgil brave. It just would have been nice to see Roman going for something and getting it himself. Or at least him and Virgil deciding together that they weren’t going to let this opportunity go.

I dunno, I’m kinda impartial on that one. I just want to see Roman succeed.

And there you have it. Those are my thoughts. As usual, you may take them with a grain of salt. But also feel free to share your own opinions on this episode. It’s definitely become a favorite of mine and is up there with my other favorites.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go be sad because bathroom guy had his hopes and dreams crushed and he deserves justice.

#ts spoilers #sanders sides spoilers #dukeofonions

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illfoandillfie · 5 years ago

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5 Simple Rules for a Successful Fake Relationship: The Proposal

Pairing: Ben Hardy x Reader

Summery: Your's and Ben's agents approach you about pretending to date in order to boost interest in your new movie.

Warnings: Nothing for this chapter other than some swearing maybe? Things may get a little spicy in later chapters though.

Words: 5843

AN: This fic was written for El @laedymoon for her 1K celebration! I took the trope 'fake dating' and this was the result! Honestly fake dating is one my my fave tropes and I've been wanting to try my hand at it for a while so this was so much fun to write! Originally it was meant to be a one shot but when have I ever been good at sticking to plans lmao? Instead it'll probably end up as a three or four part series, maybe with an epilogue as well, who knows.

I’d also like to point out I started writing this months before we got those photos of Ben and Olivia so this was in no way inspired by anyone’s theories about whether or not their relationship is a PR stunt and I’m not particularly interested in that kind of talk.

Taglist: @laedymoon @dtfrogertaylor @ezmina98 @vee-ndetta @atomic-watermelon @kellypenac @labessieisallama @deakyclicks @jennyggggrrr @drowseoftaylor @hannafuckingsucks @i-cant-hangout-im-drumming @queenmylovely @supersonicfreddie

You’d known fake celebrity relationships were a thing that happened, you just never expected to be approached about one. But, here you were, sat next to Ben in an office usually reserved for producers meetings, a slight frown on his face as he listened to your agents explain how beneficial it would be if the public believed you were a couple. “It’ll be good for the movie,” your agent, Mary, said matter-of-factly, “Studies show that if people – particularly women ages 15 – 45, the exact demographic we’re targeting – believe a real romance sprouted during the course of filming a movie, they are 78% more likely to see the movie. Plus, your names in the tabloids mean more exposure for both of you which means more offers in future, no matter how well this movie does in the box office. It’s all about being seen, people knowing your names.” “Are you serious?” Ben asked slowly, glancing to you, as if trying to determine your reaction. “Look, Ben, obviously we can’t force you or Y/N to do this,” his agent, Peter, introduced to you moments before, said, “the movie has already started filming and everyone appreciates your opinions, so saying no isn’t going to affect your jobs. But,” he paused, making sure the words were getting through to you both, “we strongly recommend you consider it. There are enough pros to make it worthwhile and it would only have to last until a week or two after the premiere. We can give you the rest of the day to think it over and make your decisions, but we will require an answer by tomorrow morning. If you agree, we can discuss terms and get everything in order to run the first story early next week.”

You and Ben left, tempted to laugh at the strangeness of your morning. “Think I need a coffee after that. You wanna come over to my trailer for a cup?” “Yeah, okay, sounds good,” you followed him quietly for a moment, thinking over the conversation you’d just been part of, “What do you think?” “About what? Coffee? You know I love it,” “Not coffee, the whole pretending to date thing,” “Oh that,” you could almost hear his eyes roll. “You don’t think it’s worth it?” He paused. “Saying no won’t hurt my feelings,” you nudged his shoulder, hoping to ease his obvious discomfort, “it is a weird situation.” “Weird is an understatement. And weren’t you with that Luke guy, what would he say about it?” “He’ll say nothing since we’re not seeing each other anymore,” “Wait, what?” “Yeah that lasted like three dates and went nowhere, I haven’t seen him in weeks.” “Oh, sorry.” You shrugged, “What’s there to be sorry for, he was boring. Anyway, we were talking about you and me.” “Right, that.” Ben opened the door to his trailer and waved you inside, following you over the threshold, “What do you think about it?” “I’m not opposed to it. We already spend a lot of our time pretending to date anyway.” Ben chuckled as he flicked the small kettle on, grabbing your two mugs and the instant coffee. “Plus it would be good to get our names out there a bit more. And we're friends, right?” After the weeks of pre-production costume fittings and script read-throughs you certainly thought you were friends and hoped Ben did too. “Of course we’re friends doofus,” “Thanks dweeb. But that means it'll be fun getting to hang out and stuff.” “So, wait, you think it’s a good idea?” “Well it can’t hurt, can it?” Ben frowned, forehead creased, “Don’t you think it’s all a bit, well, daft? As if us dating, real or not, would really have an impact on the movie, I think that’s bullshit. Plus, y’know, the work we’d have to put in to making it seem real or whatever. That’s just inviting extra stress into our lives and extra work which it doesn’t sound like we’d be getting paid for. Acting’s fun but I don’t want to spend every waking moment doing it.” “Well it wouldn’t be every waking moment would it? Just the ones when they had photographers around. They’ll get a few photos of us leaving set holding hands or out having dinner together and spin it into a big romantic story and all we’d have to do is hold hands and have dinner. And you can’t call bullshit when they had actual statistics to back them up.” “It sounds like you’re trying to convince me.” “No, if you don’t want to I don’t mind, but I also don’t see anything wrong with it. And I think you should actually think about it instead of writing it off instantly.” “So if I said I was into it, you’d want to?” You shrugged, “Yeah. I want this movie to do well, I want this job to go somewhere. And if I have to date you to make that happen I will. That sounded better in my head. I just mean that I’m happy to pretend to date you, even if I wouldn’t in real life, no offence.” “I’m a little offended,” he chuckled, “but really can’t argue with that can I?” “If you’re not comfortable with it, say so and we’ll tell them no,” Ben paused, staring at you as he considered what you’d said, quiet for so long you were sure he was going to say he wasn’t interested. You were about to put him out of his misery and tell him you didn’t want to anymore when he spoke up. “They did say it would be good for the movie and out careers,” “Someone’s coming around,” you sing-songed, taking the mug he offered you. “Alright, I admit, maybe not as awful an idea as I first thought. There are…some pros anyway. And I guess we can hear the terms and then make up our minds properly.” “Aww, looks like I got myself a boyfriend,”

The next morning you found out what you were in for if you did agree to it. Once again both of your agents were waiting in the office but this time a third person was with them when you arrived. “Y/N, Ben, take a seat. This is Barry, he’s a representative from Paramount Pictures.” Barry, with his salt and pepper hair and well cut suit, leaned forward in his seat to shake Ben’s hand and then yours with a pleasant greeting. “Well,” Mary spoke up, “have you made a decision?” Ben looked to you before he spoke, “It’s a tentative yes from both of us. We’d like to hear a bit more about it before we fully agree but, so far, it sounds okay.” “Glad to have you on board,” Barry said, reaching into his bag and pulling out a manila folder full of paper. “In that case, the terms,” Peter said, glancing around to make sure everyone was ready, “If you do agree, we’ll need you to sign some paperwork stating you understand your obligations and all that, so take a copy of these,” he took two small stapled documents from Barry, handing you each one, before passing another to Mary, “just so everyone has all the info at hand.” “Are these the terms?” “Yes. Don’t worry, we’ll explain, but it’s all laid out in there if you need clarification.” “There’s more pages than I was expecting,” Ben said, already sounding like it was becoming too much work to worry about. “You don’t have to worry about the last few pages, it’s mostly just legalese. Essentially, you’ll be required to act like a couple in public. That’s really all there is to it, though contractually it’s a little more complex.” “What does that mean?” “We just need you both to agree to perform specific relationship type moments that we can sell. For instance, Y/N, we will need you to be spotted by paparazzi leaving Ben’s apartment a couple of times. Or vice versa. It is the 21st century afterall.” “You mean like a walk of shame?” you asked, glancing at the paper in your hand. “That’s not the official term on the contract but it’s more or less correct. You’ll need to change clothes, make it look like you stayed the night even if you didn’t really.” “Wouldn’t it be more traditional to wear the previous day’s gear?” “Perhaps but if you’re in the same clothes as the day before the paparazzi can’t sell the photos as easily because they can’t prove they were taken on different days. We want to make these photos easy to sell and easy to circulate. To that end, some paparazzi and gossip blogs will be tipped off by the studio and hopefully word will spread as the buzz around you gets stronger.” “There will also be required dates, of course. At least one of them needs to take place at the French restaurant Boucher because they have a partnership with the studio. There is also a clause about an argument, provided people become interested in your relationship and we keep it going all the way to the premiere.” “Wait, an argument?” Ben flipped through his papers, trying to find the right section. “You just have to be caught arguing, or at least looking like you’re angry and about to fight, just so we can sell the whole trouble in paradise storyline.” “People like conflict,” Mary shrugged, “Otherwise all we need is the two of you to act like a couple in public, maybe a few social media posts, from now until a week after the theatre release. After that you’re free to ‘break up’, though you will also need to sign a non-disclosure agreement which will stop you from talking about it for a few years. We’ll organise a few magazines and gossip sites to run stories about the split and, depending on how the public react to your story, may later run some Ben and Y/N, back together question mark type pieces, entirely fabricated of course.” “You will attend the premiere together and, obviously, do press together. We will tell reporters not to ask about your personal lives, so no one suspects the relationship to be fake, though a few questions may slip through. Though we don’t expect this movie to earn any award nominations since it’s not being marketing for any there may be some later down the track. In that case we may ask you to extend your relationship long enough to attend the ceremonies together, provided you aren’t working on other projects at the time.” “The only other requirements are that, a few times a week you allow yourselves to be seen in public. Hand holding, kissing, really sell the whole fallen in love thing. That’s it really.” “And we can’t even tell our families?” “One leak is all it would take to have this revealed. You tell your mum who accidentally lets slip to the neighbour who sells it to a magazine. And if it’s revealed it could be harmful when it comes to box office numbers, which is the exact opposite of what we want. But enough of these have been done so that we know how to manage them, and all you have to do is keep quiet about it and act like you’re in love. Easy. Are you both on board?” Barry, who’d been quiet throughout the meeting, leaned forward expectantly. You already knew what to say, "I’m in if Ben is,” Ben chewed his lip as he skimmed over the paper in his hands again. He sighed and raised his eyes to where Barry sat, waiting. “I don’t know I-” You’d seen it coming, his answer. Really it wasn’t much of a surprise. Ben didn’t strike you as the sort of person to go in for schemes like this and he’d been hesitant from the second it was suggested. You heard him sigh again as his gaze landed on you and you wondered if he thought less of you for wanting to be part of it. “Okay. I’m in.” You were a little stunned by his change of heart but you were the only one. Everyone else in the room seemed relieved and a little frantic, Barry reaching back into his bag, Mary and Peter talking over each other to assure you both that you’d made the right choice. “Glad to hear that, Ben,” Barry was saying as he pulled out another folder of documents, “Now, we’ll need you to both to sign here.”

After shooting was done for the day you accompanied Ben to a small pub for a drink. Mary and Peter had left the meeting on their phones making hurried calls to get photos of the two of you leaving the set together. You’d jumped a little as Ben grabbed your hand before realising why his fingers were linked through your own. It was warm and he didn’t let you go until you reached the pub, the snap of cameras audible as you walked down the street. You found a booth while Ben headed to the bar, returning a little later with a drink in each hand. “One G and T for my girlfriend,” he laughed as he put the drink in front of you and slid into the seat opposite. “Y’know if you told me last week that I’d have had a boyfriend before we finished filming and that it was you, I would have laughed.” “God me too. Our jobs are so bizarre. Literally what other profession would encourage you to pretend to date?” You laughed and pulled out the papers you’d been given that morning, “And who’d have thought there’d be so many contractual requirements.” “We should add our own set of rules. Like just so we’re clear about what we’d be uncomfortable doing or whatever.” “Safewords?” “Get your mind out of the gutter. Christ, you fake ask a girl out and suddenly all she can think about is sex.” “My mind was in the gutter long before we were set up.” He let out a huff of laughter and shook his head, reaching for his glass. “I know what you mean though. We should definitely define some things,” you grabbed your bag and began digging through it for a pen. When you found it, you turned the papers over giving you a blank canvas to work on, “Firstly sex.” “Should have known,” “May as well start with the big one. Rule 1: No Sex. Completely off the table.” you took a sip of your drink as you began jotting it down. “Your wank game strong?” The conversation was interrupted as you choked on your drink, finally recovering enough to splutter, “excuse me?” “Well it sounds like we might be together for a while. Can’t go on any tinder dates or anything since that would look like cheating. You sure you can last that long? “100 per cent.” “Alright, if you’re sure. Rule one, no sex.” You finished writing it down, rolling your eyes, “What about PDAs? We have to do some but is there anything you’d be uncomfortable with?” “I’m not really one for like public make out sessions,” “Thank god, me neither.” “Okay, good. What about cuddling and that kind of thing. Man this is weird to talk about,” “Yeah, is a bit. I can do some cuddling in public but y'know, nothing too much. Hugs are fine, an arm around my shoulders is fine. Holding hands is obviously okay.” “What about an arm around the waist?” “Hmmm….maybe. Yeah, I think I’d be okay with that. But your hand never goes below my lower back. I will have no arse grabs or pinches or hands in my back pocket.” “Wasn’t planning on that but good to know. Does cuddling include lap sitting?” “Absolutely not.” “Okay, strong boundaries, I respect that. You going to write all that down?” “Rule 2: PDAs kept respectable and to a minimum. And rule 3: hands above the belt at all times. What about our families and friends?” you asked as you made notes on acceptable PDAs, “chances are we’re going to have to deal with them at some point since they’re going to think it’s real.” “Okay, um, how about…no meeting anyone unless there’s a reason like a family gathering you’d be expected to bring a partner to. And if that does come up we can work out a game plan then.” “Make sense. Rule 4: No families unless no escape.”

By the time you left the pub, your list of rules tucked into your bag, it was quite late. “Hey, you wanna crash at mine tonight?” Ben asked, “we can text Peter and Mary, let them know so they can organise paparazzi for the morning.” “Tonight? I don’t have a toothbrush or a change of clothes or anything.” “We’ll pop into a shop and buy you a new toothbrush, should probably get you one for my place anyway since apparently you’ll be staying over more than once. And I’m sure I’ve got something you can sleep in.” “And tomorrow? Can’t wear this again in case we get photographed.” “I’ll give you something and then I’ll drop you home in the morning,” he shrugged. “I guess that would work,” “C’mon, it’ll be like a sleepover. Stay up late and talk about boys, have things devolve into a sexy pillow fight, sleepover stuff.” “And you say my mind lives in the gutter.” “That’s not a no,” “Alright, I’ll crash at yours. Closer to here than mine is anyway.” “Awesome,” he grinned at you, “c’mon, this way….babe?” “Didn’t sound so convincing there, Ben,” you snorted. “You should have used a pet name then, instead of my actual one. And I was just testing the waters, what’d you think?” “Babe’s okay. As long as we don’t get into weirdly cutesie things like turtle dove or snookums.” “You don’t want me to call you snookums? How about cuddle bunny? Pumpkin pie?” “Oh fuck off,” “Think you mean fuck off honey bear.” “Rule 5: Standard pet names only!”

As much as he clearly enjoyed teasing you, Ben made sure you had a good time with him. He took your hand again but it was only so he could pull you into the warmth of a small Chinese restaurant. It was one he seemed to regularly visit judging by the way the man at the counter knew Ben’s order straight away. He seemed a little surprised when Ben asked to add extra dishes, eyes darting to your entwined hands, and then back to Ben’s face, but he said nothing, just cheerily gave Ben the new price. “What was that about?” you asked as you walked the last block to Ben’s door, each of you carrying a bag, his full of food and yours supplies from the grocery store, “the look he gave you when he saw me?” “Oh, that’s nothing. I used to go to that place a lot with my ex and then we broke up and I kept going on my own cause it’s close and it’s fucking good food. But, um, they know me pretty well and I guess it’s been a while since I took a girl there.” “Well I’m flattered that you chose me to be part of this touching moment,” you laughed and followed Ben to his front door, taking the second bag from him so he could pull his keys from his pocket and let you in. You’d never been inside Ben’s place before so you let him lead you down the hallway towards the kitchen, taking charge of pulling everything from the bags as Ben got out plates and cutlery. “Oh shit, hang on gotta text Mary and Peter,” You took over dividing up the food as Ben dug his phone out of his pocket. A few seconds after he’d sent the message and put his phone down a ding made him snatch it back up again. “Peter says there’ll be someone here to snap us while we leave. They want us to kiss if possible. Guess it’s really started then,” “Guess so. Can I ask one thing?” “Sure,” he said it slowly, almost nervously. “Why’d you change your mind about this? I thought for sure you’d say no.” “Oh, that. I don’t know, I guess I figured it wouldn’t hurt, especially if it was going to benefit the movie. C’mon, don’t want this to go cold,” You weren't sure you believed him but you let him shrug off the question as you picked up your plate and followed him into the living room. The next couple of hours were spent eating and watching trashy reality tv shows, making jokes at their expense. You and Ben kept talking long after the show ended, until he realised how late it was getting. “Better turn in otherwise I won’t get up in the morning,” he laughed. “Yeah, probably a good plan,” you stretched out on the couch, placing a cushion under your head. “C’mon, I’ll show you to your room.” “You mean I’m not sleeping on the couch?” “Oh my god you’re a dork,” he threw another cushion at you, “I have a spare room you can use.” “Well I didn’t know that,” you laughed as you pushed yourself to your feet, following him back down the hallway towards a closed door you hadn’t noticed before. “Nah, you’re all good. It’s honestly mostly used by my friend Joe when he’s travelling over this way. There’re clean sheets in the linen press in the bathroom which is the next door on the right, and extra blankets in the cupboard just there. Also watch the blinds if you try to close them, they can be a little stiff. If there’s anything else you need let me know, my bedroom is at the end of the hall, near the living room.” “Some PJs would be good, if it’s no trouble.” “Oh right, yeah of course, give me a second.” You dropped your bag in a corner of the room and then popped into the bathroom to grab some sheets. Ben came back with an old t-shirt and some flannel pants. “These are mine so they’ll probably be a bit big but they’ll be fine for the night. And they’ll look good for the camera in the morning.” “Thanks,” “That everything?” “Think so, night Ben,” “Night, snookums.” “Rule five mister,” Ben just laughed, pulling your door shut behind him.

Waking up in Ben’s spare room was mildly confusing. The bed faced a different direction than yours did, the blinds blocked out too much of the morning light, and the sheets felt different. But the previous night came back to you and then the reason you were staying at Ben’s did too. It made you too nervous to go back to sleep, too restless to stay there, so you got up and stumbled to the door, opening it just in time to see Ben leaving the bathroom. “Morning,” he groaned with half shut eyes and sleep mussed hair, “you want a coffee?” “Please. Thanks.” He yawned, acknowledging your answer with a nod and left the bathroom to you. When you were done you found him in the kitchen with a steaming mug of coffee in his hands and a second on the bench in front of him. You took it gratefully, letting the warm caffeine wake you up.” “Breakfast? I can offer you toast or cereal unless you wanna wait for pancakes to cook.” You shook your head, “Don’t normally eat breakfast,” Ben looked aghast, “You know breakfast’s important, right?” “Shhh, lemme wake up before you start lecturing me,” Ben smiled into his own mug, falling silent until you’d downed half your drink, “You good now? Alert?” “Close enough. Please don’t tell me about breakfast though.” “I wasn’t going to. There was another text from Peter this morning.” “What’d it say?” “Well, a photographer will be here around nine-ish ready for us, but they said he’ll stay for as long as we take.” “Okay.” “And, um, he was very careful in how he worded it, but they want us to look like we fucked. Also I told them I’d take you home so there may be someone waiting for us there too, he never got back to me on it.” “Shit, okay. Umm, guess I’ll just wear this then?” you indicated the pyjamas you’d borrowed, “might lose the pants though, help sell it a bit more.” “Yeah, guess so,” Ben cleared his throat and took a sip of coffee, his eyes firmly fixed over your shoulder. “What time is is?” “Uhhhh,” he glanced at the oven, “Twenty past eight.” “God I haven’t been up this early on a weekend in months.” “Not one for farmers markets or anything then?” “Not really. Much prefer lying in bed doing nothing.” “Me too,” “We’re meant for each other,” you laughed, “did you want to have a shower or anything?” “Nah, you can if you want though,” “Might as well wait until I get home. But I am gonna clean my teeth, especially if we have to kiss.” “Maybe mess up your hair too, make it look like you didn’t sleep much.” “Well how could I when you’re such a good lover,” “I know you’re joking but if anyone asks, I’m incredible. You came like three times.” “Did I now?” “Of course.” “Good thing no one’s gonna ask then, don’t think I’m great at lying.” “You’re an actress, Y/N. Besides, it’s not really a lie, I am that good. You just haven’t experienced it personally.” You poked your tongue out at Ben as you stood and headed towards the bathroom again but you did as he’d suggested and messed your hair up as much as you could.

“How do I look?” you ask Ben when you were done. “Gorgeous,” he said, eyes raking over every inch of your appearance from the ruffled hair to the hint of panda eyes you’d manufactured with your eyeshadow to the slightly unbuttoned flannel shirt and missing pants. “But do I look like I’ve been thoroughly fucked?” “Oh, right, umm, yes I think so,” “You do? I feel like theres something missing.” You darted back into the bathroom to look in the mirror again, “Oh! I know. Might be taking it a bit far though.” “What is it?” Ben asked, following you and watching you in the mirror. “What if you gave me a hickey?” “Y/N, I-” “Yeah, I know, that’s a weird thing to ask. Don’t worry, I think we’ll be fine without it.” Ben’s cheeks puffed up with air that he slowly let escape his lips, “no, you’re right, if I’d really slept with you last night I would have marked you up a bit. A hickey will definitely make it look more authentic.” “It’s not totally inappropriate for me to ask?” “No, no, we have to make it look legit, it’s a good suggestion. Here, I’ll uhh,” he stepped in close, one hand tentatively winding around your waist to pull you back against him, the other moving to push your hair aside. His breath was hot as he leaned into your neck. You saw him glance at your reflection, eyebrows slightly furrowed, but then his lips were on your skin, sucking at you until a bruise formed. Your own breath quickened with the contact but you knew it was just because he’d found a particularly sensitive spot and it had been a while since anyone had handled you like that. It was still just Ben and it was still part of your jobs. But all the same you let your eyes slip shut and hummed at how nice it felt. You were almost disappointed when it was over. Ben stood there for a moment, head bent over your neck, long enough to take a deep breath, but then he seemed to collect himself, taking a quick step back. “Will that do?” “It’s great Ben, really ties the whole look together.” Ben returned your smile but it didn’t quite reach his eyes, “Good. Good. Okay then, I’ll umm, what time is it?” “Just after nine,” you said, glancing at your phone, “wonder if the photographer is here yet.” “I think I will jump in for that shower actually, by the time I’m done he definitely will be.” “Okay,” “Make yourself comfortable though, watch some TV or something.” “Alright. Thanks for being so cool about all this. I know you’re a little sceptical about the benefits and everything.” “It’s fine, Y/N, no need for any of that.” He smiled again as you left the bathroom and the door shut behind you, but it still seemed off.

You settled onto the couch to flick TV channels, pausing at a breakfast news show and then at some kids cartoon you didn’t recognise, only stopping when Ben entered the room, clean and dressed. “Hey, I was wondering,” you said, turning towards him, “should I give you a hickey as well?” “No,” You were a little taken aback by how quickly he’d answered. “I mean, I think that’d be overkill. Keep it up our sleeves for next time, yeah?” “Okay, yeah, sure,” “Is he there?” “I think so.” Ben walked towards the window and twitched the curtain aside just enough to peek out, “Yeah, looks like him. Big camera pointing at my front door.” “Okay,” your heart began to beat a little faster, “show time then,” “Show time.” Ben nodded as he turned back to you. “Do we have a plan? I kinda wish I had a script right about now,” Ben laughed a little and you thought he seemed more himself, “I think you should go out first so they can get a good clean shot and then I come out after, maybe with my hand on your back?” “Sounds good,” “Okay, umm, I’ll lock the door and when I turn around you kiss me and then I’ll open the passenger door for you and we’ll drive to your place.” “Don’t bother opening my door. I’m not big into that kind of gesture, plus I think if we were actually being caught by the paparazzi, we’d be getting into the car as quick as possible. Maybe throw a look his way like you aren’t happy about being photographed just so it doesn’t seem too staged.” “Okay, no opening doors, noted.” You shrugged, “I just think it’s a bit old fashioned and unnecessary,” “I’ll keep that in mind for our dates. You ready to do this?” You nodded and stood up, leading the way to the front door. Ben collected his keys and wallet and placed a hand on the lower part of your back, your signal to open the door and step outside. “Kinda wish I had pants on,” you said softly, “It’s a bit brisk,” Ben chuckled as he followed you out, “We’ll put the heating on in the car for you,” he turned to lock the door. You watched him, fingers gripping the key a little tighter than he perhaps normally would, and as soon as he began to turn back around you were moving towards him, one hand thrown around his neck, the other in his hair as your pressed your lips to his. His hand found your back again, pulling you in close as he kissed you back fiercely, as if he were unwilling to let you go after such a good night together, the kiss of a man falling in love. For half a second you forgot it was an act. And then he was gone, his nose brushing yours briefly before there was space between you. You felt a little dazed with Ben looking at you so softly but you took a deep breath and reality came back to you. With another breath your turned and headed towards the car, able to hear the rapid click click click of the camera. You shot a look towards the noise and then got into the car, Ben hopping into the driver’s seat about a second later.

“You’re a good actor,” you said before silence could settle between you, “I already knew that, of course, but the kiss was really good. Almost completely believable.” “As long as it’s believable enough in the photos,” “I’m sure it will be. I think we pulled it off.” Ben nodded, “Yeah. You still chilly?” “Little bit,” He reached over and twisted one of the dials blindly, warm air suddenly washing over your goosebump covered legs, “better?” “So much, thanks.” “I think he might be following us,” “You did tell them we were going to mine, s’pose he’ll be trying to grab a couple of shots of us there.” “Yeah, probably.” “Should we come up with another game plan? Maybe you walk me to my door, we stand there talking for a bit, saying goodbye. I stay and watch you leave before I go inside.” “Perfect. Is another kiss part of the goodbye?” “Careful Ben, you sound almost like you want to kiss me,” you laughed, “but yes, think it needs to be.”

It went completely according to plan. By the time you were getting out of the car the photographer had pulled up outside your house, his camera sticking out the window of his car so he didn’t miss his shot. The camera clicked as Ben took your hand and you led him to your door. “Well, guess that’s it for today. I did have fun with you last night, even if it wasn’t the kind of fun everyone else will think it was.” “Yeah, me too. Happy to have you stay anytime you want to be photographed again. Maybe we’ll get you some PJs that can live at mine though.” “Probably for the best. If this goes well I can see them wanting us to do it again soon.” “Oh definitely. They’ll probably have notes for us so we can get an even better performance next time. You ready to wow them with another kiss?” “Lay it on me, babe,” “Anything you want, snookums,” You groaned but before you could protest too much Ben was kissing you again, softer than before, no longer trying to convince you to stay, just trying to prolong the moment before the goodbye. It left you a little breathless as he cupped your cheek, leaving his hand there when he pulled away. As you opened your eyes you saw him bite his lip and then he leaned in to leave you with a final chaste peck before his fingers slipped from your skin and he was walking away. You let out a long exhale as you watched him go, waving as the car took off. Once you were alone inside, the door firmly shut behind you, you laughed at how ridiculous the whole arrangement was. But at least Ben was a good kisser. Not too firm, not too wet, just the right amount of tongue. Believable enough to give you butterflies.

#my writing #my fics #ben hardy x reader #ben hardy imagine #ahhhh #this was fun #i hope ya'll like it

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idolish7rabbitchats · 4 years ago

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Tsunashi Ryuunosuke: Wonderful Octave Rabbit Chat Part 2

Tsumugi: Everyone, thank you for gathering! I was thinking that we could collect requests for Tsunashi-san’s “RADIO STATION Twelve Hits!” here.

Tsumugi: Continuing from last time, I’ll manage the chat. Please take care of it!

Ryuunosuke: Please take care of me!

Anesagi: Ryuu is last in TRIGGER too huh! Everyone, please take care of us!

Okazaki: From me too, please take care of me!

Banri: We’ll be attending too.

Tsumugi: The requests gathered from everyone will be, like it has been up to this point, decided by a raffle pull in the show. So then, I’ll ask for the requests from the youngest!

Ryuunosuke: I’m looking forward to everyone’s requests…!

Gaku: Ryuu was a little bit restless before the group chat. (lol)

Tenn: He checked the time countless times and stood up and sat down a lot huh.

Ryuunosuke: Waah! You don’t have to say that here!

Gaku: He’s embarrassed huh (lol).

Tenn: He’s embarrassed.

Momo: Ryuu’s cute! Like a guy who’s waiting before his first date \(*´ω`)人(´ω｀*)ノ

Mitsuki: Going on a date with 16 people is huge lol.

Yamato: The gender ratio is unequal.

Yuki: It has nothing to do with guys and girls. Isn’t it fine if we can make a pair?

Iori: As expected from you, you have a freedom of thought.

Banri: I think he’s just lazy. (Lol)

Tamaki: Yeah!

Tamaki: I’ll pair with Ryuu-aniki.

Ryuunosuke: Eh, is it fine? I’m happy but, why?

Tamaki: It’s almost your birthday so if we were together, we could eat cake.

Ryuunosuke: I see, you are tempted by food. lol

Sogo: Tamaki-kun, what are you thinking about with your senpai…!

Tamaki: It’s fine with So-chan too.

Sogo: I’m glad that I won’t be alone but...

Riku: It feels like we are pairing up for P.E. class!

Anesagi: What have you been talking about?! We should move on to collecting requests!

Tsumugi: R-Right! Then, from Tamaki-san please!

Tamaki: Kaay.

Tamaki: Ryuu-aniki, who’s your fave in IDOLiSH7?

Ryuunosuke: Eh! My fave?! I mean, that kind of request is certainly…?

Gaku: That’s what you said during my turn isn’t it?

Tamaki: Because Gakkun said that he likes everyone and didn’t actually answer it!

Tamaki: [Angry Kinako Stamp]

Gaku: You’re still mad? (lol) I said sorry and gave you a pudding afterwards right.

Tamaki: I already ate it so I forgot.

Ryuunosuke: I see, so I’m your revenge huh! lol

Tamaki: Ryuu-aniki, I believe in you.

Tamaki: [Pudding In Jar Stamp]

Ryuunosuke: Since I got it so straight-forwardly, I might just make Tamaki-kun my fave!

Tamaki: Hurray!!!

Tamaki: [Sparkling Kinako Stamp]

Mitsuki: Tamaki, is that fine…?!

Sogo: You have to respect Tsunashi-san’s opinion too.

Nagi: If you asked Yaotome-shi and Tsunashi-shi, you have to ask to Kujo-shi too.

Tenn: Like it sounds like you want to take this opportunity to just complete them all.

Riku: I wanna hear it too! Yes! Yes!

Riku: It’s not only because of the opportunity!

Iori: It seems it would be difficult if he picked anyone other than the center...

Tenn: I would’ve answered it if you requested that during your month ^^

Riku: Eeeeeeeeeeeh!

Tsumugi: I’m also curious about Tsunashi-san’s favorite!

Tsumugi: To continue, Iori-san please!

Iori: From me it’s a “Yes/No quiz”.

Iori: It’s the game where you should answer yes or no within 3 seconds to the questions that I prepared. If I ask about personal questions, listeners could know many sides of Tsunashi-san and it would be good.

Ryuunosuke: I would answer them by reflex huh? That seems fun!

Ryuunosuke: Would Iori-kun give me the questions?

Iori: That’s right. Of course, they would be checked by Anesagi-san though.

Momo: I also want to think of things to ask Ryuu~ (ノ´Д)ノ

Sogo: Um… If it’s alright, would you allow me to help too?

Mitsuki: Ah! I have something I wanna ask too!

Iori: That helps. Everyone has real questions they want to ask so it seems this quiz will be intense.

Yamato: Oooh. You are popular, Tsunashi-san!

Gaku: You’re popular huh, Ryuu!

Ryuunosuke: Somehow I’m happy…! The request corner is a great thing huh!

Tenn: You are a natural lady-killer. That’s a good thing tho.

Ryuunosuke: Eh! L-Lady-killer?! Are you praising me?!

Tenn: I am. I said that was a good thing right.

Ryuunosuke: Really? I’m happy to be praised by Tenn!

Ryuunosuke: Iori-kun and everyone too, please ask me anything that’s fine!

Tsumugi: I’m also looking forward to everyone’s questions for Tsunashi-san!

Tsumugi: So then, let’s have the request from Riku-san!

Riku: Yes! From me it’s “I want to hear an episode of bravery about bad things”!

Riku: Tsunashi-san is nice, cool, good at cooking, and really cool! But, actually I want to try asking if there was a time you were naughty!

Yuki: You said cool twice.

Gaku: Just that, our Ryuu is cool huh!

Ryuunosuke: You think of me that way huh! I’m happy to be praised by Riku-kun.

Tenn: I certainly can’t imagine a naughty Ryuu.

Riku: Right! But I just can’t imagine what makes someone naughty at all.

Nagi: Like lining up all night for a big event in summer and winter?

Mitsuki: That’s certainly bad but Tsunashi-san wouldn’t do that right lol.

Ryuunosuke: If you’re participating in an event, it’s important to follow the rules huh!

Okazaki: So anyways, what kind of thing would be naughty?

*Tsumugi: Like running down a hallway…!

Ryuunosuke: That’s dangerous huh! It would be bad if you slipped and fell...!

Ryuunosuke: Unfortunately, I’ve never been naughty in my youth. Lol I was always in the ocean!

Gaku: I knew that Ryuu wasn’t the bad boy!

Tenn: Actually, I’m a little curious about you having that sort of past or not.

Anesagi: No way, that sort of thing! I want him to be both calm and sexy even if he was carrying a backpack!

Momo: That kind of elementary schooler is too distinctive! lol

Ryuunosuke: I don’t think I wasn’t sexy or calm before… I was an energetic elementary schooler who was running around barefoot. Lol

Ryuunosuke: I don’t know if I have something you could call naughty but I’ll tell you after I look back at pictures from my childhood!

Riku: Thank you!

Yamato: That he tried to answer the request by looking back at his album, he’s not naughty at all, certainly he is an honest person.

Sogo: It’s a heartwarming episode where we can feel Tsunashi-san’s honesty!

Tsumugi: I’m also secretly interested in a naughty Tsunashi-san! Lol

Tsumugi: Next, Kujo-san, can I have the request?

Tenn: Yes. From me, “Let us hear if you have anything you want to say to TRIGGER”.

Tenn: More like to me and Gaku than to TRIGGER. Ryuu isn’t the type to strongly argue, so I want him to say anything in this opportunity.

Tenn: I’m fine with something like what you want us to do, what you want us to change, or a request for us.

Gaku: That’s a good request! Ryuu, say anything to us.

Ryuunosuke: Gaku, Tenn, thank you! Honestly, I think TRIGGER’s relationship for now is the best, I don’t have any request.

Tenn: See, that sort of thing. Even though you could say selfish things.

Ryuunosuke: I want you to say selfish things. Tenn does all the jobs or household things by yourself.

Ryuunosuke: Before this, I thought you never left your room huh, but you’d actually caught a cold hadn’t you.

Gaku: That! We seriously would’ve wanted you to say it at that time.

Riku: Tenn-nii caught a cold?! Is he okay?!

Tenn: I’m okay. I recovered after I slept all night.

Riku: I’m glad…!

Gaku: Even for one night, medicine or food or something, there was something we could’ve done right?

Tenn: Are we still talking about this? We already talked about it enough.

Ryuunosuke: Because Tenn hesitated weirdly.

Tenn: It was just a slight fever, not a serious cold, and I can’t spread it to you guys.

Gaku: You’re still saying that sort of thing?

Ryuunosuke: Honestly, about this, I’m still a little mad now.

Tenn: Since Ryuu doesn’t get mad easily, you are persistent when you do.

Ryuunosuke: I had a reason to get mad so I got mad.

Nagi: Were you three fighting?

Tamaki: Though you are adults, don’t fight-!

Mitsuki: Aah, not so much a fight… I understand how Yaotome and Tsunashi-san feel here.

Tenn: It’s not a fight. We’re already done talking about it.

Gaku: We’re not!

Ryuunosuke: How about we talk later? This group chat wasn’t to talk about that..!

Tsumugi: Not wanting to make your friends worry, but also wanting someone to rely on you, I understand them both...

Tsumugi: Nagi-san, please give us the request!

Nagi: Leave it to me. I’ll be an air purifier in this group chat!

Momo: Nagi being an air purifier sound strong lololol

Yuki: That’s a good one.

Ryuunosuke: Nagi-kun, sorry. Thank you for easing the tense atmosphere.

Nagi: I don’t mind. You can pay me in the request corner. :-)

Ryuunosuke: Got it! I’ll try my best to pull Nagi-kun’s request..!

Iori: Is he an air purifier or a schemer… He is tricky.

Nagi: You shouldn’t worry about tiny things! My request is “Impromptu☆Tsunashi-shi’s Haiku”!

Ryuunosuke: Haiku meaning that 5,7,5 haiku?

Nagi: Exactly. Along with the theme I prepared, I want Tsunashi-shi to make a haiku at that time.

Nagi: When you read your haiku, you need to use the echo effect.

Sogo: Somehow that’s detailed instructions.

Nagi: If I'm gonna do it, I need to produce everything perfectly.

Ryuunosuke: As expected of Nagi-kun. Thank you for thinking of it with details!

Nagi: Anyways, to prepare for getting any theme from me, please check out Magical★Kokona’s latest episode.

Nagi: Especially, I’ll recommend that you understand the enemy character in last week’s episode, the Darkness Bear Secretary’s line.

Ryuunosuke: Th-That’s really quite detailed huh?!

Riku: Oh right, earlier while watching Kokona, he was murmuring “He has the same voice as Tsunashi-shi.” I think…?

Mitsuki: Then, you are thinking of making Tsunashi-san to act out that bear’s line isn’t it!

Nagi: (°3°)~♪

Tenn: I’m curious about how he is going to lead to acting as that character with a haiku.

Gaku: I feel his commitment to not just request him to act as the character.

Ryuunosuke: If Nagi-kun is expecting it that much then I’ll really try my best..!

Nagi: I’m looking forward to it. :-)))

Tsumugi: I couldn’t check recently but I’ll catch up to the latest episode too…!

Tsumugi: Next up is Sougo-san please!

Sogo: From me it’s, “Tsunashi-san is kind but I want to hear of a time when you got mad.”

Sogo: But, earlier there was the story of how you wanted Kujou-san to let you worry over him huh...

Sogo: I’m sorry. I said something to bring it up again..!

Ryuunosuke: It’s fine. Because it’s not like we were really fighting.

Gaku: Ryuu is generally a generous person huh. Even if someone says something a little sarcastic, or someone bumps you when you’re walking, you seem fine.

Ryuunosuke: There is no use in getting irritated over that right?

Ryuunosuke: Maybe that person had a hard time and something bad happened to him.

Yuki: You are like a saint.

Sogo: But, I understand that feeling. Because I also have only a few things that will piss me off.

Sogo: But I won’t forget the name and face of the person who did it to me.

Yamato: That’s even scarier! (lol)

Iori: I feel like that has a slightly different meaning to Tsunashi-san’s “not getting mad.”...

Sogo: I-Is that so?

Tamaki: I’ll be careful never to do anything terrible to So-chan.

Banri: Because he already remembers your face and name huh (lol).

Tamaki: [Sweating Pudding Stamp]

Sogo: It’s terrible to be this scared of me.

Tamaki: [Shaking Kinako Stamp]

Ryuunosuke: It’s important to understand what kind of person your companions are huh! It's proof that you are thinking about further things.

Ryuunosuke: Sougo-kun’s amazing huh!

Sogo: Thank you…! I’m very grateful for your compliment.

Mitsuki: Excuse me! Can we take a little break?

Tsumugi: Mitsuki-san, did something happen?

Mitsuki: Seems like Nagi wanted to see Kokona’s Darkness Bear’s episode, but he couldn’t find the recorded data.

Mitsuki: He looks so down and I feel sorry for him. Can we search for a hard drive together for a little bit?

Yamato: Seems like there are streams too. But he said it’s different from the recorded video.

Ryuunosuke: I see…! I hope he has the data!

Mitsuki: Sorry, to cut it for a weird reason!

Tsumugi: So then, the group chat has also become long so we’ll take a little break. I’ll contact you at the time we could restart!

V2:

Okazaki: So anyways, what kind of thing would be naughty?

Tsumugi: Like customizing your school uniforms…?

Ryuunosuke: There were people who customized their uniforms secretly huh! I didn’t get it much, so I just wore it normally. Lol

Ryuunosuke: Unfortunately, I’ve never been naughty in my youth. Lol I was always in the ocean!

V3:

Okazaki: So anyways, what kind of thing would be naughty?

Tsumugi: Like lip-syncing the Alma Mater at an assembly…?

Ryuunosuke: I was singing but some people don’t, so some people would feel embarrassed huh.

Ryuunosuke: Unfortunately, I’ve never been naughty in my youth. Lol I was always in the ocean!

#Idolish7 #idolish seven #tsumugi takanashi #Takanashi Tsumugi #ryuunosuke tsunashi #Tsunashi Ryuunosuke #idol #game #gaming #rabbit chat #Wonderful Octave #12 hits #translation #japanese #english #game app #idol game #Rhythm game

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masked-buffoon · 4 years ago

Text

Chapter 10: Truth and illusions (Part 1)

Warnings: none

Author notes: I’m glad to finally be back with a new chapter for you! I hope you’ll like it!

As promised, Ranpo-san had gone to meet with the director of the Armed Detective Agency and had disappeared behind a discreet door of the office. Kunikida looked bothered, but he did not add anything and went back to work on his schedule. Sometimes, as I waited for the detective to come back, I could hear him mumble and grunt about the members' irresponsibility and how untrustworthy I was at the moment. I had tricked him and used him to go back to the Agency, but did it make me a wicked person? Perhaps, actually. I realised the greatest problem I would encounter with my new life would be completing missions and doing my job without using underground techniques and skills I had acquired throughout the years. No torture, whether psychological or physical, no warning, no threat, and no killing. I was used to such methods, and I knew none other which worked so well. I wondered how Dazai dealt with that matter... On the other hand, the man was a born strategist; within the monstrous number of plans he could put in place to solve a problem, one of them could avoid the use of crimes, could it not? I decided to question him about this matter when we both would be alone. For the moment, I had to focus on being accepted in the Armed Detective Agency.

"Ogawa, could you come in a moment, please?" Ranpo-san's characteristic voice echoed in the room.

I reached him in what I assumed was the director's office. The place was a bit darker, but the atmosphere was as comfortable, perhaps even a tad more serene. This was most certainly due to the diverse traditional trinkets and decorations set around the room, rather harmoniously. The director, himself, gave off the feeling of a charismatic person, very righteous but also kind. He had nothing in common with Mori-san, whose eyes shone with evilness. I felt genuine respect for this man sitting in front of me.

"So..." His voice sounded deep and confident "You are here because you want to join our Armed Detective Agency?"

His question felt more like a statement to me, but I nodded anyway.

"It is rare for Ranpo to take interest in someone. What did you do to catch his eyes?" He questioned.

I could not admit we had barely run past each other on a bridge while I was following a man who was going to die... Could I...?

"I..." I hesitated before remembering why I was there in the first place "I think it has something to do with the reason of my presence here —"

"She threw herself out of a window, from the third floor of a building, for the sole sake of being cured by Yosano-sensei and stepping there again." He answered for me "That alone shows how determined she is, doesn't it?"

"Again...?" He raised an eyebrow.

"Several weeks ago, I was deadly wounded during a fight... And Dazai brought me there." I explained.

"I see. I have to admit, it was a bold move from you."

"I was scolded by Yosano-sensei for that..." I rubbed the back of my head "She told me to respect my life some more..."

"And, Ogawa Yōko, how would someone who doesn't care about her life protect those of the citizens of Yokohama?" He questioned me, rather curtly.

I was taken aback. Astonished. And stayed mute, stupidly trying to come up with some kind of answer. His question was not malicious, but it raised important issues. Indeed, how would I...? Was I truly able to protect people's lives, I who had always worked to steal them...? I clenched my fists, lowering my head to hide my eyes with my bangs, just so none of the men would be able to witness the gathering of tears in them. Was I even suited for this place...?

"I... I've always been told that my existence was worthless..." I confessed after a moment of awkward silence "My father repeated, every day, that it would have been better if I had never been born, that I wouldn't be a burden for him if I had never existed... With time, I... Ended up believing his words. There was no one to tell me otherwise, anyway, and when I ended up in the slums, I became all the more aware that my life was so meaningless in this ruthless world we live in... So I... I suppose I do not value my existence as I should value a human's. To be honest, I do not think the slightest that I can protect lives. I've failed countless times trying to save people I cared about... How would I preserve those of strangers...? However, at the very least, I am willing not to go back to the darkness I come from, and I want to try. I want to try growing and living under the sunlight. Will you... Will you give me a single chance...? Even if it is to prove to me I cannot do it, will you just allow me one chance...?"

The director's eyes had widened progressively as I was talking. Ranpo-san had crossed his arms and leaned his back onto the chair, perhaps thinking about whether recommending me was a good idea or not, and I regretted every word I had said. If I wanted to be taken... If I truly wanted to be employed, I would have tried and praised the little qualities I had, instead of mentioning all of my worst flaws. Did I even have any qualities…?

"Ogawa..." The older man sighed after a moment.

My heart raced in my chest. He would reject me... He would order me to leave and stay away from this place. He would toss me away. Disposable pawn... Would Mori-san's words follow me anywhere I went...? I winced, holding my head a moment. My headache, due to my anxiousness, was giving me a hard time and I had troubles focusing on something else than the various thoughts fighting around my mind for attention.

"I believe every human life holds its value." He spoke suddenly, drawing my attention to him "Yours is not different, none can make you believe it is worthless from now on. None will ever tell you that anymore if you are willing to give our Agency a try. I want to give you the chance you asked for, now it is your turn to prove me right, to prove yourself wrong and to live on. Do you think you can strive to become the person you aim to be?"

"I can. I will." I declared, serious "I will make good use of this chance given to me, Director... However, I would like to be fired if anything I do compromises the Agency or the detectives..."

"Not everything we do is according to the law." He smiled slightly "Although we try to make everything legal, there are things we do and that the government allows only due to certain circumstances. It can't be helped, but you will, indeed, be notified if anything you do seems wrong to us. I believe Kunikida-kun will tell you each time..."

"Then, thank you for your trust, Director... I will not disappoint you."

"I am not afraid that you disappoint me." He said mysteriously "You haven't been registered as a detective yet; until then, try not to cause too much trouble. Or we won't be able to help you."

His words seemed to hold a deep meaning, yet I could not understand what he was trying to imply. Trouble? Solving crimes related to abilities did not seem to involve much trouble, did it? I simply nodded, thanked him again and exited the room with Ranpo-san, who had not departed from his grin throughout the entire conversation. Once the door was closed behind us, I felt the urge to bow in front of him.

"Thank you very much, Ranpo-san, for recommending me. If not for you, I... I would not have been able to be accepted to this place."

"Don't thank me too quickly~" He chuckled "You may regret it, who knows~ Anyway, I believe Kunikida-kun already looked for a proper first job for you."

He too, seemed to make some understatement my mind could not decipher. I thought it was better not to pay too much attention to it for the moment so I could focus on solving my first case in the Armed Detective Agency.

"Obviously." The blond man sighed, handing me a printed order "You are to play the bodyguard. Is that too complicated a first mission?"

"Not at all..." I blinked, taken aback, and grabbed the sheet to read the demand "I did not expect this, that's all..."

"It's true that you've helped us with the murder case of the hostel~" Dazai noted "But although we are 'detectives', we have other occupations than investigating mysteries~"

"That's my part~" Ranpo-san added "I was too busy last time, that's all~"

"I see..." I smiled "I'll be off, then."

As I took my coat, I felt something was wrong. And I turned toward Kunikida.

"Have you... Have you taken my guns...?" I awkwardly asked him.

"Obviously...!" He groaned "In case you would be dangerous...! I could not let you shoot at everyone once you were awake...!"

"That is... Logical." I agreed "However, could I have them back...?"

"You most likely won't need them today, though?" He raised an eyebrow.

"I... I'm not used..." I embarrassingly rubbed the back of my head "I'm not used not to wearing my holsters... I even slept with them, sometimes..."

"Do you realise you could have killed yourself...?" He groaned "Fine, you'll have them back, but I won't allow you more than a magazine for each one."

"It will be more than enough." I assured with a smile as he gave them back to me.

Once the guns were in place, I could wear my coat and place the order in the inner pocket to prove my identity.

"You'll need someone to escort you." Dazai told me "For you aren't a detective yet~ I can —"

"You can't!" Kunikida argued "You are both acquaintances, who knows what you can do together? And I can't go either, for there is too much work..."

"Meh..." He seemed disappointed "My ultimate attempt to ditch work~"

"You'll have plenty of other opportunities~" I reassured him "But it is bothering me that I can't go alone..."

"The problem doesn't lay in your skills; it is more than likely that you could succeed alone. Playing bodyguard isn't something you're unused to, after all... No, the problem is, we have to keep an eye on our new trainee and prove your identity." Dazai explained "But except for Kunikida-kun, who could go...?"

"I am not suited for the task~" The detective declined, laying on his desk.

"You've already done so much for me..." I said.

"Then, I'll go."

I turned toward Yosano-sensei, who had removed her white coat and readjusted her clothes while we were busy discussing the mission.

"Is it not a problem...?" I frowned "You are the doctor, if —"

"It is unlikely that anyone will get hurt till tonight." She brushed my concern off with the back of her hand "I'll be in charge of you, and if I see you putting your life on the line again, I'll have the pleasure to punish you~"

"That... Won't happen... I hope..." I looked away before smiling at Dazai "I'll see you later..."

"See you later~" He grinned "Come back safe so we can go somewhere to drink~"

"If you are willing to do so, I can't refuse~" I chuckled, exiting the Agency with Yosano-sensei.

#bsd #bsd oc #bsd fanfic #bsd dazai #bsd imagines #bungo stray dogs #bungou stray dogs #bungou stray dogs oc #dazai osamu #bsd kunikida #kunikida doppo #bsd ranpo #edogawa ranpo #bsd yosano #yosano akiko

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mor-beck-more-problems · 4 years ago

Text

Intro to Balancing Your Life || Morgan & Sasha

TIMING: Current

PARTIES: @sasha-r-blog & @mor-beck-more-problems

SUMMARY: Sasha drops in on a new class on campus; Morgan is only too happy to offer encouragements.

“…And who is it that determines the definition of humanity? What kind of definitions do we see offered by Victor, or Henry Cleveral, or the Creature?” Morgan asked the class. The students, while not thrilled with some of Mary Shelley’s ‘big words’ had enough preparation to offer semi thoughtful ideas. Obviously, Victor thought he could define what human means. One of her try-hard students, eager to please every adult in sight, posited that while Victor’s definition of humanity is the one that dominates the narrative, the intrusion of the creature’s perspective halfway through the book is meant to compel the reader into questioning its validity. “Yes!” Morgan tossed the kid a candy from her bowl. “The midpoint crisis here upends our expectations through thought, rather than action. It is, structurally, the center, the heart of the story, changing what we believe to be true. But, are we convinced by the Creature’s definition of his humanity? Why or why no–”

Morgan’s timer, the theme song of The X-Files, went off.

“Shit. Alright, that’s time everybody! Do your homework, do your reading, and get ready for Fan-Fiction Friday! And you–” She pointed to the newcomer sandwiched at the corner of the seminar table. “Come see me for a minute. The rest of you: glad you love each other, but please get out.” As the room cleared out she began to gather up her things. “I’ll level with you, I haven’t checked my roster, so I’m not sure if you’re a late add or just checking things out. But either way, I might be able to answer any questions you have better one-on-one instead of just looking at you across the room.”

Sasha watched the other students mingle and leave, a second of nervousness keeping her in her seat before the professor called out to her. It was hard to parse the tone in Professor Beck’s voice when Sasha’s immediate assumption at a teacher saying to “see me” was that she had fuck up somehow. But either way, Sasha walked towards the desk, dodging any curious looks from her exiting classmates.

“Um, hi. Sorry I didn’t mean to cause any trouble by sitting in.” She shifted the straps of her backpack, tugging them against her shoulders, as if the weight would somehow shield her from the awkwardness. “I’m Sasha Rodriguez. You gave me your office hours awhile ago. I uh, didn’t get a chance to visit but I saw your name on the winter session course list and thought I’d check it out. I’m trying to branch out I guess.”

It took Morgan a few minutes to place the girl. She didn’t give out her school contact information to everyone, but it happened often enough that she had more than one name floating around her head. But the more she looked at her, the nervousness, the eagerness, the closer Morgan got to a hunch. “Oh, you’re the girl trying to figure everything out in college. I’m glad you decided to come by. If you’ve got some spare time, we can go somewhere and talk? I’d love to have you join in the spring, if you like what you’ve seen so far.” She dumped her books and laptop into her bag, and shouldered the load, handling the bulk with ease thanks to her strength. “Come on. Why don’t you start by telling me what you’re branching out from and what you thought about class today.”

“Oh, yeah, okay.” Sasha said as she moved to follow the professor. She still wasn’t used to how casual some professors could be. In high school they made it sound like professors were all strict, no nonsense, and unforgiving. And Sasha had certainly had professors like that during her first semester. But here was a professor throwing candy to students and cursing in class and talking about fan fiction. It was cool, but weird to process.

“I’m in computer science and I’ve only really taken courses in that department and math stuff. Oh, and also English 101, for the gen ed.” Those classes had been a lot different from what Sasha had just sat in on. Even the one English class she took didn’t really match up, that one having been run by an exhausted looking graduate teaching assistant who didn’t seem all that interested in teaching.

“The class was cool, though I feel like a lot of the stuff you were saying went over my head.” Sasha had a moment of internal panic, worried that came off as implying Professor Beck was bad at teaching. “I’ve just never been good at looking into books, but the class was interesting. I was surprised you mentioned fanfiction at the end. I didn’t think most professors even knew what that was.” Oh no, did that sound rude too? Sasha closed her mouth before she could say something dumb. Besides her advisor, if you could even count their meetings as conversation, and Ben, Sasha hadn’t really spoken one on one with a professor before. It still felt a bit surreal.

“Oh, that’s just because you’re coming in at the tail end of the course. I don’t throw my students into the deep end before I’m certain they can at least, you know, doggie paddle.” Morgan smiled good naturedly and lead them up to the main sitting area in the English building, setting her bag down carefully and making herself comfortable. “I can tell you that looking into books isn’t so different from the way you look into the stories in other media. Movies, TV, video games, comic books--our relationship to the stories we engage with say so much about what we envision for ourselves and the world. The more we understand and invest that relationship, the more empowered we feel to take control of our fate.” Morgan stopped herself from saying anything more and laughed, low and self deprecating. “Oh, jeez, don’t tell the other professors I said that. But, anyways, yes, the aforementioned reasons are what fan-fiction and other forms of counter-storytelling are so important. But more important than that is doing something that’s going to challenge you in positive, enjoyable ways. And making time for a little fun.” Morgan held her fingers up, like this much. “Can I ask how the rest of college is going for you, Sasha?”

Sasha followed her and sat in the unfamiliar sitting room. She gave a small smile as Professor Beck talked about stories and how people related to them, finding that she had been nodding along without realizing. She stopped once she did, somehow worried that it came off as over eager, as if a professor would ever get mad at someone being interested in what they were saying. If only the professor knew how close that hit to home for her. All those stories of kids getting superpowers, it was real. As if it had jumped straight off the page. As if Sasha had willed it into being. In the back of her mind Sasha wondered how she would have reacted to suddenly growing calls if she hadn’t grown up on comics and superhero movies. It felt like the blueprint to everything now.

Lost in her own thoughts she was a bit startled when the professor’s tone shifted. “No, no I agree, I think. I think all that stuff is important. Storytelling. I mean, I’m not much of a reader but comics and games and movies have been really important to me.” She wished there was a major in that stuff. Or crime fighting. She’d be on the dean’s list if her nightly patrols counted for credits.

“It’s been going okay. I mean, I don’t really do much outside of classes. I’ve been trying to do more but I mostly keep to myself.” It was the same thing she had told her advisor and Professor Campbell, but more and more Sasha felt silly for saying it. It wasn’t like she did nothing, just nothing related to college life. But it wasn’t like she could tell her professors she was protecting White Crest. Or at least trying to.

Morgan noticed Sasha’s interest and perked up at once. “You know, we do cover films in my class,” she said, grinning slyly. “And books. But still. It’s the same kind of thought process as with books, so it might as well be given its time and place. There’s plenty of other courses like that in this department, even a film and media studies minor. You should do what makes you happy, because undergrad coursework doesn’t matter half as much as you think it does. It’s all internships and jobs and connections and recommendations that help you get anywhere. And this place, college, has a lot of flaws and problems, but one of the best ways to make it worth it is leave knowing as much as you can about the things that matter to you most.” But that was about all the pitching she was willing to do on behalf of her class. Besides, being a student at UMWC came second to being a kid in White Crest. Morgan couldn’t help but look at the girl and wonder what this place would do to her. Morgan pushed the thought away, she couldn’t let herself focus on a big, bad future like it was some kind of unstoppable force.

“This might sound silly, coming from a professor who just tried to recruit you to their class, but I hope you do find other things besides school studies. There’s a much bigger world out there, and you should have something else in your life. At least friends and playing video games or going to Al’s at one in the morning or whatever kids your age do now. Life is for doing stuff, you know? Whatever it is you’re thinking about doing or joining, you should go for it!”

“I never really thought about taking a minor. I didn’t know they had one about film.” Honestly, more and more Sasha felt like she hadn’t planned much of anything when it came to school. Or life in general. But she supposed she could change that. If anything this talk had made her actually interested in looking into classes, something she had mostly breezed through doing in the past, simply checking off the boxes of what she needed for her degree. But if the professor was right and it didn’t matter that much... “Maybe I’ll try looking into classes for film and english and stuff like that. They seem fun. At least the stuff you were talking about seems fun.”

Maybe it would make school more interesting, instead of something Sasha went through the motions of to get to her real job. “Real job,” as being a superhero paid. As if she wouldn’t one day need a day job. College was a convenient way to pass the time and something she was told she had to do, but it would be nice to actually care about it, to feel like she was actually doing something.

“I do have hobbies...” Just none she could tell Professor Beck about. “But yeah, I should probably try to do more. I wanted to check out the library. I was supposed to help out with the comic collection there as a volunteer thing. So that’s a start I guess.” It had almost slipped her mind, but that was something she had been genuinely excited for. It was just hard to remember stuff like that during the day when she was normally up all night. Her nightly patrols had turned her days sluggish and uneventful, filled with quick naps between class and maybe some video games alone in her dorm before she put on her costume and went out again. And she loved doing it, of course she loved going out at night to keep White Crest safe. But at the same time...

“Do you ever just get really focused on one thing?” Sasha asked the question before she was thought about it, but decided to keep going, even if it was dumb. “Like, you have something you like or is important and you just focus on that and everything else just kinda blurs into the background?” Sasha rubbed nervously at the back of her neck. “I don’t know if that makes sense. I guess sometimes I feel like that. But I don’t know if I want to change it.”

“The library is a great start!” Morgan said. “You’re going to learn so much, and probably find people who have similar interests to you when they come to check out materials. But I hope you do other stuff, not for credit, just for you. You’re only going to be young once--” Hopefully.

She couldn’t help but smile at Sasha’s notion, that hyper-focus was something rare or embarrassing. “Oh, all the time. I have some art projects that I do on the side, and I can get so lost in my carving that hours can pass by so easily. Same with baking, or cooking something really involved. It’s almost like you’re connecting to something else, outside of or beyond you. There’s you, the thing you’re doing, and this energy it gives you, right?” Morgan watched the girl’s expression to see if she was getting it right. “Even if it’s just kind of like that, I don’t think you should change it. Whatever that thing is, it sounds to me like the universe is giving you the green light to keep going.”

Sasha nodded, giving a small smile. She was happy that Professor Beck seemed to get it and not think it was weird. Sure, Sasha's focus wasn’t on crafts or cooking, but it was the thought that counted. Her mind lingered on what she said about being given a green light. Really, what was a bigger green light than getting her powers? But she knew there was more to it than that. There had to be a reason it was her. She had to be able to do something with her powers, something to really help people. It was comforting to have the professor say she was right, that the universe wanted her to do what she was already doing, but there was a pang of melancholy knowing Sasha couldn’t tell her, or anyone, the truth. How much did advice and validation matter when the person saying it didn’t know the full truth?

She shook the thought from her head. “Thanks. Sorry, I didn’t mean to ask you a bunch of weird questions when I came to sit in. I think it would be cool to try out one of your classes though if you still have room for students.” Sasha chased away the worry of struggling in a class she wasn’t used to. If worst came to worst she could always drop that class. At least it would be something new, something she might actually end up liking.

Beaming and unawares, Morgan took out a post-it from her bag and scribbled out the class information before handing it to Sasha. “Don’t be embarrassed about questions,” she said. “Questions are how we learn. You’re never going to find anything interesting if you always leave well enough alone.” She stood up, getting the vibe that Sasha had opened up all she felt like so far. “I hope to see a lot more of you this coming semester,” she said. “Hoping even more that you do something just for you, but.” She put a finger to her lips. That’ll just be our secret.

“Thanks. I’ll try to keep asking them.” Well that was one social interaction that didn’t go horribly. Wasn’t great that Sasha considered that a victory for herself but she was going to take the feeling of accomplishment anyways. “And I’ll try to do stuff for myself too.” That was going to take more work than just registering for a class, but maybe it wouldn’t be the worst. She couldn’t promise herself she would put in the effort though. Tucking the post-it note into her backpack she smiled and said goodbye to Professor Beck. Maybe a few new classes would be enough to make her college life, and her daily life, seem a bit more exciting and a bit less like time to just get through. But her patrolling White Crest at night was still more important. Professor Beck didn’t have to know that part though.

#wr sasha #wr chatzy #wr sasha chatzy #intro to balancing your life #wickedswriting

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goddamnelsa · 4 years ago

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Liz’s Top Books of 2020

blatantly stolen from @alamorn but also i wanted to feel accomplished that i did in fact read published books this year before descending entirely into mdzs/the untamed fanfiction :) :) :) :)

In two parts! Books I read that actually came out in 2020, and then honorable mentions of books I read in 2020 that were published in previous years. Enjoy!

Top Books Published in 2020 (which are not in any kind of order because I can’t like rank stuff, I’m not that kind of person)

The City We Became by N.K. Jemisin

What can I say except it’s N.K. Jemisin who wrote my favorite high fantasy series (The Inheritance Trilogy), won three consecutive Hugo Awards for her The Broken Earth trilogy, and she’s writing urban fantasy with Lovecraftian and superhero team flavor. I mean....obviously I was at the top of the wait list for this once my library ordered it. And it lived up to the hype!! Because of course!! It’s fabulously fast-paced with amazingly smart and interesting characters of diverse backgrounds. I kept thinking one of them was my favorite, and then another would have a great line and I would change my mind. It’s fine, they’re all technically one entity with several parts, so I can love them all and not choose (but it’s probably Bronca, let’s be real). And it’s the first of a series! And I’m counting down the days til there is more!

Axiom’s End by Lindsay Ellis

I definitely picked this up simply because Lindsay Ellis, one of my favorite video essayists, wrote it, and then ended up loving everything about it. I’m not usually one for First Contact stories, but I appreciate the very human-focused approach here, sticking solely to an ordinary girl’s perspective as she navigates being the person first in contact with a very alien alien. Cora’s attempts to humanize Ampersand are relatable, but I appreciate Ellis reminding us at almost every turn that Ampersand is super Not Human, no matter how much Cora reads into his actions. Ellis doesn’t gloss over the Science part either, especially when it comes to the race of aliens Ampersand belongs to. Again, the first of a series, and you will absolutely be screaming for the next book when this one is over.

You Had Me At Hola by Alexis Daria

Insert my obligatory “I don’t usually read romances blah blah blah.” Though, during lockdown, I attempted to branch out beyond my usual genres when I was attending a ton of publisher webinars about upcoming books. This one stood out to me because of its Latinx cast and the whole behind-the-scenes of a Jane The Virgin-esque show, based on a telenovela (of course). It is fantastic, a quick read with instantly likable and fun characters. And the tropes! We’re playing love interests but we have insane chemistry! A sensitive, traumatized male lead who learns to open up again! A sassy but insecure female lead who learns to let loose and love again! Hooking up, but we have to keep on the DL or else scandal! And of course, the extended families add to every scene they are in--I loved every interaction Ashton and Jasmine had with their families, it was the cherry on top of a fantastic read. Also the sex scenes are steamy.

Beetle and the Hollowbones by Aliza Layne

I got this graphic novel as an advanced reader copy well before it came out, and after reading it, I was sCREAMING because I couldn’t tell all my graphic novel, queer coming-of-age-with-magic loving friends to immediately pick up a copy!! So thankfully, it’s out now, so I can scream to the heavens to please read this!!! It is such a sweet story with beautiful full-color art and fantastic world-building. It has the same silly, referential humor you see in a lot of kids/YA graphic novels these days, but Beetle packs in a lot of heart as well.

Stamped: Racism, Antiracism, and You by Jason Reynolds and Ibram X. Kendi

Like many people in May/June of this year, I was reading, reading, reading a lot of books about racism from as many Black authors as I could get my hands on. There were many not published this year that should definitely be read (So You Want To Talk About Race by Ijeoma Oluo being among the top), but this book really stuck with me because it is written specifically for a younger audience, and Jason Reynolds knows how to talk to kids about tough subjects. Stamped gets across difficult concepts like assimilationists and segregationists in an easy-to-understand, conversational style that doesn’t take away from any of the important history and nuance. This certainly is not The Book of antiracism studies, but it is a good starting point if you are daunted by lengthy title lists and aren’t sure where to begin. I highly recommend the audiobook as well, read by Reynolds himself.

(Side note: I watched this keynote address with Reynolds and Kendi which is an excellent primer into the background of how this book came to be. Reynolds is also just very interesting to listen to)

Honorable Mentions aka Books I read in 2020 that were published in previous years again, not ranked because I CAN’T, OKAY

White Is For Witching by Helen Oyeyemi

I read this book and then wanted to go back and read it immediately again, not necessarily because it was so amazing, but because I felt like I would get it even more if I did. This is a haunting little book that took turns I was not expecting, even with the book synopsis I read. It is disturbing and features descriptions of an eating disorder, so proceed with caution. However, if you like Gothic tales of haunted houses and the trauma inflicted on us by those who came before, I can’t recommend this one enough.

Gods of Jade and Shadow by Silvia Moreno-Garcia

My last book club read before the pandemic D: We didn’t actually get to meet to discuss this book, but my club (all librarians) were working at our emergency call center at the same time and all reading it, so we KINDA got to discuss it, if not in a formal book club setting. ANYWAY, it’s a thrilling jaunt through 1920s Mexico, following a fantastic Cinderella-esque heroine who makes a deal with a Mayan god to retrieve his body. If you are a fan of the Percy Jackson-brand of mythological adventures, this is definitely one to add to your list, especially if you are looking for something a little bit more Adult.

Scary Stories for Young Foxes by Christian McKay Heidicker

Okay, I know it’s a young readers/middle grade book, but HEAR ME OUT. This is whimsical and haunting tale about seven little fox kits who set out to scare themselves shitless by hearing scary tales. Only one kit will remain when the night is over, but the one who does will get to hear a surprisingly sweet, and well-earned, happy ending. If you are a Neil Gaiman-esque horror fan, I recommend picking this up. Its scares are fairly scary, especially for its audience, but it’s an engaging story about the lengths we will go for the ones we love.

Trail of Lightning by Rebecca Roanhorse

Did someone say Navajo monster-hunting heroine with magic powers navigating a post-apocalyptic world, oh and also saving it??? Look, Maggie is My Kind of Hero, in that she’s damaged, she drinks too much, she’s surly, but she has a seriously gooey heart of gold underneath all that armor. Navajo mythology is woven into this tale of monster-hunting, surviving. If you’re in Supernatural-disappointment-land, maybe give this a try! It has that Western-y, road trip feel to it, and again, I love the lead character. (It also has a currently published sequel and a soon-to-be-released third book as well!)

This is How You Lose The Time War by Amal El-Mohtar and Max Gladstone

This was rec’ed to me by a librarian friend, with the words, “Oh, Liz, you’ll really like this.” And she was RIGHT. Red and Blue are on opposite sides of a war waged across time and decide to send letters to each other, at first, to taunt, but then, to understand, to learn, and to love. The details of the war don’t matter much, but what does matter is the achingly beautiful poetry with which Red and Blue reveal themselves to each other. I was told to listen to this one, but I’m glad I read it myself instead. The prose is very purple at times, and I appreciated being able to go back to passages to reread again and again. Oh, and it’s queer (Red and Blue are both female), and SPOILERS SPOILERS has a happy ending.

(also there is a wangxian remix for my mdzs buds. and also a semi-officially sanctioned fanfic sequel???? at least amal el-mohtar linked it from goodreads so whoo! also also it’s very funny)

And that’s my Year in Books 2020! Seeing it laid out like this, I had a surprisingly good year for book reading even though I felt like I barely read anything. For awhile, reading was Hard, and I just wanted to consume fluffy, sweet fanfiction, but I’m getting back into it. Oh, and please let me know if you check any of these out!

Here’s to a good year for books in 2021! ✨

#books #book recs #2020 #book reviews #personal #liz reads

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jasontoddiefor · 5 years ago

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Chapter 3 of As Lightning to the Children eased Aka that eldritch Anakin being terrifying AU

Read on AO3

“Do you know what every parent has to do?” Shmi asked Qui-Go over a cup of tea.

“Raise their child to the best of their abilities,” Qui-Gon answered easily.

Shmi hummed and turned to look at Anakin, Obi-Wan and Ahsoka meditating in the living room. Obi-Wan was the only one who actually sat like he was meditating while Anakin was draped over his lap and Ahsoka was resting her head on Anakin’s legs. Nevertheless, all of them were meditating, the Force swirling around them.

“I was prepared to leave Anakin here,” Shmi spoke up again.

“What?”

Qui-Gon couldn’t stop himself from exclaiming. Shmi smiled at him and nodded. He couldn’t correlate the idea of Shmi leaving Anakin at the Order’s steps with the image of the woman who just five years ago had forced Mace Windu to his knees with a single question. That Shmi, so headstrong and bright, hadn’t seemed like a woman who would cave in to the Council’s demands. She still wasn’t. She questioned the Council left and right, had made the crèche her chosen starting point for change. It was good for the Order. Qui-Gon was fairly sure that if his Master would just step into the Temple again these days, he’d actually stay, witnessing how much change had been quite literally forced upon them.

“If there was no other way, I would have left Anakin here because he needed to be here more than he needed to be at my side. This is what every parent has to do sooner or later. We need to let go.”

Shmi was looking at him and for all that she was still wondering about why the Force chose her, Qui-Gon knew. She had the same eyes as Anakin, the kind that saw right through you and stripped you bare.

“You need to let go, Qui-Gon,” Shmi repeated directly. “You’ve done everything you can for Obi-Wan. He is ready, more than most of young Knights I’ve seen. Now you need to give him the space to stretch his wings.”

“And fly away with Anakin?” Qui-Gon inserted, his tone bordering on the edge of upset.

Shmi smiled and sat her teacup on the table. “Why do you keep expecting everyone to always leave you?”

Because that was what people did, they left. But he couldn’t say that, probably didn’t even need to, Shmi knew anyway.

Let him go, the Force trilled. He’s not yours to keep.

“I want him to stay.”

Shmi rolled her eyes and with the mischief of a youngling, she actually kicked his legs under the table. “You are of the Force, are you not? Then he will always stay by your side.”

When Qui-Gon finally recommended Obi-Wan for his Trials, Yaddle had the audacity to cackle. The old Master had taken quite a liking to Shmi, it shouldn’t surprise Qui-Gon they had been gossiping. In the Jedi temple, the only thing traveling faster than the Force, was gossip. In fact, all of the Masters seemed to have been expecting it. The only one who hadn’t gotten the message was Obi-Wan who nearly lost his composure.

“A great Knight, you will be,” Yaddle said. “Your Trials you may take, Padawan Kenobi, if you think you are ready.”

Qui-Gon had talked to Obi-Wan about his Trials, of course. He wasn’t as sadistic as his own Master had been and just dropped him in front of the Council without any warning whatsoever. Still, Obi-Wan glanced at Qui-Gon for reassurance.

“I am ready,” Obi-Wan said, his voice not wavering once. Maybe he hadn’t been the one who needed reassurance.

Objectively speaking, Obi-Wan knew the Trials were difficult. They certainly challenged him and he hadn’t been able to sleep the night before because of his nerves, but during his tests, he was laser-focused and having fun. He’d become a Jedi Knight like he had always known he would and he’d be one step closer to where we ought to be.

He did his best not to smile too widely when Qui-Gon cut his braid and said “Rise, Knight Kenobi.”

No blade shall ruin you. Fulfill your calling, go, go, go!

All the pieces were suddenly assembling on the board. Obi-Wan didn’t know what game they were playing yet, but he had his sights set on winning.

“Honorable Council,” Obi-Wan began to speak and Qui-Gon was immediately about two seconds away from dragging Obi-Wan right out of the chamber. He knew that tone and his just knighted Padawan had no business sounding like that yet. “May I make a request?”

It was deceivingly polite; Obi-Wan used that tone when he was informing someone of a decision he had already made and couldn’t be talked out of. Qui-Gon suppressed a sigh. He had hoped his former Padawan would wait another year at least before committing to his bond. Obi-Wan had surpassed all of Qui-Gon’s expectation, already a much more formidable Knight than many were after a decade, but he was young still. He had time, another four years at least he needn’t take on such a heavy task.

“You may speak,” Mace said.

“I want to take Anakin Skywalker as my Padawan,” was what Obi-Wan said, but what Qui-Gon, and every other Master actually heard was “I am taking Anakin Skywalker as my Padawan”.

Master Yoda frowned and Qui-Gon wished he’d be able to determine what he thought. His relationship with Obi-Wan and the Skywalkers was strange to say the least. He claimed the Force was clouded around them, it made him wary, yet, like a clockwork, he showed up for tea at least once a week.

“Certain of this decision, you are?”

Obi-Wan nodded. “Yes.”

Destiny, fate, my dear Chosen, my children, keep them close, the Force laughed and then, with the might of a karyt dragon, they pressed down on them like they were guarding their treasure, forcing the air out of their lungs.

“Then go fetch your Padawan,” Mace pressed out.

Ilum reminded Anakin of Tatooine in all the best ways. There were not so many people here as on Coruscant, listening to the sounds of the universe was much easier than it was on the crowded city-planet.

Obi-Wan had told him to have fun and enjoy the peace and Anakin was sure there had been a reminder in there as well about not causing any trouble, but he had been too distracted by how easy it was to breathe here. If not for the burning cold, Anakin was sure he could have stayed here for years and years to come. It was so easy to feel, his parent so close. He wasn’t sure how he was supposed to pick just one crystal for his lightsaber. Not all of them called out to him, but he’d know how to use them anyway, how to shape them so they would fit perfectly.

“Anakin?”

Anakin turned around and saw T'Seely awkwardly standing behind him. Anakin didn’t have too many friends his age. It wasn’t their fault. He still didn’t always know how to whisper instead of shout, keep all the light inside instead of burning and how to cut off the decay infecting others without his teeth. He was much better with Ahsoka’s age mates who only knew him as Ahsoka’s friend who taught them that they were all infinite possibilities. Their minds weren’t restricted yet. T’Seely was Anakin’s friend though.

“Yeah?”

“I don’t like the dark,” T’Seely said. “Can I- can I go with you? You make it go away.”

Anakin beamed and all around him the crystals lit up, singing their own distinct song. Anakin was sure that if he concentrated, he could bring every Initiate the crystal they needed, but he supposed everyone else was supposed to face this trial on their own. “Sure!”

Anakin held out his hand and T’Seely quickly took it, staring at the caves surrounding them in awe. The artificial lights the Jedi had hung into the tunnels couldn’t even begin to this mirrored night sky surrounding them.

“It’s beautiful,” T’Seely said.

Anakin was glad he could make others see the universe the same way he did.

Training Anakin would be a lot easier if everyone else would finally start minding their own business. Life at the temple was almost back to normal for Obi-Wan again. The other Jedi had become accustomed to them and for all of their snide comments, Jedi were protective of their own. Once you become a part of their community, they wouldn’t abandon you. Obi-Wan was sure that if anything ever happened to him, or Anakin was in danger, their brethren would fight to protect them. They were stronger when they all worked together, were united in the Force.

But that didn’t mean that they could shrug away centuries of teachings about restraining yourself, even when the sun itself was scorching you.

“I still scare them,” Anakin murmured into the crook of Obi-Wan’s neck, tears dried by now.

Anakin always smelled like storms and fire, but this time his scent was tinged with the distinct burn lightsabers left when they cut through hair. Perhaps Obi-Wan hadn’t told Anakin to let loose completely while fighting. Anakin had been the strongest Initiate, but from practice Obi-Wan knew he had been holding back while training even then. His Padawan might be only nine, but Obi-Wan was fairly sure he could give even a couple of the older students a run for their money. They didn’t just drop into the Force entirely unless they were fighting for their lives, unlike Anakin who had troubles staying out of it to actually learn proper stances.

“I know, I know,” Obi-Wan said, trying his best to comfort his Padawan. “I’m sorry. It’ll get better.”

“I’m not scared!” Ahsoka proclaimed and sat up straight, her elbows digging painfully into Anakin’s thighs. The child paid no mind to the abuse she forced upon her older brother. “You’re not scary.”

No, Anakin wasn’t scary, he was terrifying. In all his blazing glory and chaos it was so easy to feel like you were drowning. He was always watching, you were incapable of escaping Anakin’s grasp and Obi-Wan honestly couldn’t claim that he wanted to. There was a sense of belonging pulling him in and for all that he knew Anakin was so small he barely reached Obi-Wan’s hips, an entire galaxy was lingering within in, painfully constricted so it wouldn’t devour everything within reach. Even Obi-Wan got a headache when he attempted to perceive Anakin for too long. The sensorial input was simply too much, leaving him with the vague impressions of stardust and blood dropping from razor sheep teeth, a darkness so void of life that the crown of light around his head was so bright it could cut, claws sharper and so much more dangerous than any ‘saber that Obi-Wan wasn’t even sure if Anakin had needed instructions on how to use his saber.

And the wings of stained glass that never failed to remind Obi-Wan of the meditation hall in the highest tower of the temple.

“Not scary,” Obi-Wan reassured Anakin. “Not to us.”

Ahsoka was a big girl. She was four years old already and the bravest of all her crèche mates. She would not cry when Anakin and Obi-Wan both had to leave the temple for a mission. If anything, Ahsoka should be celebrating. Skyguy was a Padawan now so he would be her Master very soon and then Ahsoka would be a Padawan and they would all go on a big adventure together.

“It’s our first real mission!” Anakin said excitedly.

He kept tugging on his Padawan braid. Ahsoka still thought it was strange that it was attached to him, though Obi-Wan’s had been the same.

“Just some diplomatic meet-up and Master Qui-Gon is coming, but we’re going back to Naboo!”

“What’s Naboo?” Ahsoka asked.

Anakin opened his mouth to reply, then closed it again thoughtfully. He frowned the way he always did when he thought about some very difficult things that didn’t seem all that hard to her. Like always, Ahsoka just held out her hands for Anakin to take. Ahsoka liked speaking, singing, telling stories and making noises, but sometimes it was just easier to let Anakin show her laughter, happiness, home and love and peace.

Oh.

“Are you gonna stay there now?” Ahsoka asked.

“No, not yet.”

Not yet, that only meant he would be leaving her in the future and suddenly all of Ahsoka’s resolve of before was broken and she started bawling.

“Don’t leave me! You can’t- I don’t- you have to stay!”

It wasn’t fair! She didn’t want Anakin to leave her, not even for some stupid mission!

I’m never leaving you, Anakin sang, voice like a thousand choirs. You’re mine.

Promise?

Her brother smiled down at her, gently tracing all her markings before wiping away her tears.

Promise.

Sometimes Shmi felt like she had just arrived at the temple. She still had a hard time calling any of the Jedi above the rank of Knight by their proper titles, nothing to say about her lack of education. Studying with Anakin had been for her own benefit as well, and her son was not lost to her, but Shmi wouldn’t be learning at his side anymore.

“Gone your son is now,” Yaddle said.

Shmi liked the mischievous Jedi. Whereas Yoda often hid his weariness beneath his amusement, Yaddle had no such troubles. She said what she believed and treated Shmi’s thoughts with the same importance she gave the great philosophers preceding even her.

“Ani will be fine,” Shmi said. “He has Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon.”

“Yet troubles you sense.”

There were always troubles when Anakin was concerned, but not so much that Shmi had to be concerned. She had raised her son well, he knew he was cherished and loved. It wasn’t a job you could be done with after a while, parenting and children didn’t work that way. For all that the Jedi said a lot about attachments, they were fiercely protective of their lineages.

“A mission I have for us, my Padawan,” Yaddle spoke up again after a while.

Other times, Shmi felt like she had lived at the temple all her life. She knew their customs,

“Master Yoda won’t be pleased,” Shmi said, her smile an exact mirror of her son’s.

Yaddle shook her head. “Pah! Never happy he is. His Padawan we must track down, lost he has become. Old Master Yoda is, and old his Padawan is. A stubborn lot they are and easily rile each other up. Good you are with younglings, good you will be for the whole Order. Help me cause some more chaos, my Padawan.”

Shmi began to walk beside her new teacher, retuning back into the temple and walking away from the ship hangers. When she had arrived at the temple, she’d never expected that her life would turn out like this.

“Yes, Dai Yaddle.”

Her teacher looked up to her, a proud look on her face. “A fine Jedi you already are, Shmi Skywalker. A great one you will be.”

#star wars #Anakin Skywalker #obi wan kenobi #qui gon jinn #shmi skywalker #ahsoka tano #yaddle #fanfic #everyone gets an upgrade in this chapter #qui gon finally graduates from parenting

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sablelab · 5 years ago

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Covert Operations - Chapter 119

SYNOPSIS: Dr Foster is with Claire when Murtagh Fitzgibbons arrives at Med Lab to see her and ask about Jamie. The doctor is pleased with their progress and when Murtagh asks to see Jamie he follows the physician on his rounds. However, Jamie’s only thoughts are of his brave Sassenach.

Chapter 118 and all other chapters can be found at … https://sablelab.tumblr.com/covertoperations

THANK YOU for reading Covert Operations and continuing on this journey with Jamie and Claire and bravo to Fergus for thinking on his feet.

CHAPTER 119

As Murtagh Fitzgibbons entered Med Lab, a voice behind him stopped him in his tracks. He recognised the sultry voice immediately and turned around to face the smiling face of his paramour Bóinne Rivière. "Hey, Murtagh. I was wondering when you would turn up here again.” The sight of his lady love was a feast for sore eyes. He suddenly felt a whole lot better and gave her one of his quirky smiles. "Hi yourself." In return she gave him a candid smile that made her eyes sparkle. "Are you here to see Claire?" "Yes." "She's doing quite well actually." The nurse’s eyes gleamed with pleasure as she saw the relief that crossed his face. "It must have been difficult for you to wait out the twenty-four hours … I'm surprised you didn’t sneak back and check up on her again sooner than this." Murtagh tried to keep his face deadpan. "I've been a bit busy. Things have been chaotic in Comm., that’s why I decided to come here for some peace and quiet." Bóinne smiled to herself as though his answer had amused her. With tongue in cheek she looked back up at him and replied just as poker-faced, "Of course you did." “So? Is it okay to visit?” “Wait here, I’ll check with her physician Dr Foster. He’s doing his final rounds at the moment,” she answered. “Oh, I’m not going anywhere real soon. I’ll be right here when you come back.” He replied giving her a wink as she walked away to check with the doctor. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Jeremy Foster stood at the foot of Claire’s Beauchamp’s bed reading her prognosis chart before completing his final rounds for the evening. He was very pleased with her healing prospects despite the atrocities of her incarceration at the hands of the Rising Dragons. He’d dealt with other operatives in the past who had returned from missions in a similar condition as Claire Beauchamp, and they had managed to recuperate fully. He had faith that she too would do the same. If Operations and Madeline put in place the recommendations he’d suggested, then both she and Jamie would heal quicker and be ready to return to the mission sooner rather than later. He signed Claire’s medication requisites for the next day, then glanced up from the report and looked at the patient. Even though she slept he saw that she was somewhat agitated as she began to thrash about in her bed. Dr Foster quickly replaced the chart and walked closer to her side and with a gentle touch held Claire’s shoulder. With his other hand he gripped her wrist and monitored her pulse rate registering that it had escalated a little. Leaning down he spoke to her in a soothing manner.

“Claire … are you okay?” Somewhere in her subconsciousness she heard her name. She stirred. Once again, he spoke softly to her not wanting to alarm her if she opened her eyes quickly. “Claire … it’s Dr Foster,” he said soothingly. The person’s quiet demeanour was non alarmist and her jerky movements abated a little at his tone of voice. Blinking once, then twice, Claire slowly opened her eyes to see a person wearing a stark white coat. However, the harsh white lights of the infirmary made her squint even more as she tried to focus on the person standing by her bed. Compounding her disorientation, the incessant high-pitched beeping noises of the monitors exacerbated in her head and in the quietness of the room. Still half-asleep, Claire Beauchamp stared at him in confusion until becoming more lucid. Recognizing who it really was, she nodded and reached out her hand. Helping her to sit up more comfortably in bed and checking the heart rate monitor at her bedside the doctor asked, “Are you in pain?” “No … I’m fine. Just a little restless … that’s all.” The physician looked at her with an assuring smile on his face. “Yes … your pulse is a little fast but otherwise you are doing very well considering what you’ve been through.” Claire looked down at her hand, “I hope I didn’t dislodge anything I shouldn’t have.” “No … no damage done,” he smiled reassuringly. “Your IV line will be removed in the morning anyway.” Closing her eyes she unconsciously bit her bottom lip. “Dr Foster…?” The doctor mistook the meaning behind her utterance of his name for another bout of pain. He watched her closely then tried to allay her uneasiness. “You experienced terrible things on this Mission, but physically you're doing fine Claire. It won’t be long before you are back on the road to recovery, but mentally it may take a little while longer I’m afraid. That’s why I’ve suggested that you have some well-earned downtime when you are discharged.” Claire looked at him intently, nodded then closed her eyes again. Although his words were encouraging her thoughts were conflicted. She knew the sooner she got out of here the better but there was one major stumbling block to Dr. Foster’s suggestion … her superiors, Operations and Madeline. Thinking that his patient had begun to doze off he asked, “Will you be okay? I have to check on Jamie.” Suddenly Claire reached out with urgency and gripped his hand tightly. She didn’t need to say another word for he knew exactly what she was thinking. Dr Foster nonchalantly moved his body to shield her face from the surveillance camera. He then looked back at Claire and smiled reassuringly.

“Don't worry. Jamie’s doing much better than we thought. He’s being transfused at the moment. Hopefully in another twenty-four hours he will have passed the worst of it.” Her gaze was fixed on his face as he uttered every word as Claire’s eyes registered her inner feelings. She was extremely relieved to hear that. Sinking back deeper into the pillows she let her thoughts transcend to her mentor, partner and the love of her life in the next room. “Try and see if you can get back to sleep, hmm? Things will be better in the light of day. Trust me.” Although she heard the physician’s voice, Claire wasn’t really listening to what he had to say, instead she asked, “When will I be able to see him?” Jeremy Foster leaned down close to her face before replying. “Soon. Get some rest. I’ll see you in the morning.” Then switching the lights back to their usual dim night setting he made his way out of her room. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Pacing back and forth like an expectant father Murtagh Fitzgibbons turned when he heard muted footsteps echo in the Med Lab. On seeing the doctor leave Claire’s room, he forgot his promise to Bóinne Rivière and rushed over towards him before she could speak with him about his request. “Hey Doc!” He called out stopping in his tracks, “I’m sure glad you’re still here.” “Murtagh,” he acknowledged turning around at the sound of his voice. ‘What are you doing here?” “I came to see Jamie and Claire. Is that okay?” “No … not really. Both patients need their rest and you will only tire them out I’m afraid.” “But Doc?” he protested, “I need to know if Jamie is out of the woods and how is Claire? You said to come back in twenty-four hours and it is well past that. So, what about it? Hey? Give a man a break.” He looked at the pleading face of the man who had miraculously saved both of Section’s top operatives, and relented. “Okay … you can see Jamie with me, but Claire has just gone back to sleep.” “Thanks Doc … I owe you one … Big time!” “Just make it quick … okay.” “Okay … I’ll be in and out like Flynn. Trust me,” he replied hoping that the doctor would appreciate this little bit of humour. Jeremy Foster noticed the slightly raised eyebrow of the wizened operative’s reply and smiled. Although he knew Fitzgibbons was keen to see how both his friends were, he wanted his patients to get as much uninterrupted rest as possible for what may lay ahead for them. Unnecessary or prolonged visits would not aid in their recuperation and they had to also deal with Section’s recalcitrant leaders at some point. The road ahead would be tough and while he could lessen the impact a little while they were in Med Lab he would do so. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ As they made their way over to Jamie’s room, Dr Foster reiterated, “Very well, follow me but remember you can only stay a few moments.” “Sure thing Doc.” Murtagh held his tongue as they walked along, but he was biting at the bit to ask him if Jamie was going to be okay and that if his blood supplies were adequate to see him through.

Considering all the trouble that he and Fergus had gone to and the chaos that had ensued in Section because of their escapades with the phantom breach, he wondered if his and his buddy’s little adventure had really all been for naught. He hoped that there may be a positive from all that had transpired despite what had happened during the course of the day. If only one thing had come from their adventure it was that he and Fergus had solidified their friendship even if Fergus wasn’t too cognizant of that point at this moment. In time they would look back at what they’d done with a sense of pride that they were able to outwit TPTB … well so far anyway.

Also, the information they’d found of Jamie’s relationship with the Mackenzie brothers was also very enlightening. It explained a lot … Operations antagonism towards his Level 5 operative and his partner Claire as well as Colum’s unannounced visits to Section One. Obviously, there was something deep going on between the brothers and it certainly involved James Fraser one way or another. Jamie was most certainly unaware of the connection but why was it being hidden from him? It was certainly a mystery wrapped up in a conundrum that hopefully would be solved before too long.

Trying to wrap his head around all these thoughts was nigh impossible at the moment so Murtagh concentrated on the here and now with Dr Foster.

“We didn’t hear from you in the last 24 hours … so does that mean Jamie is doing much better Doc?” “Decidedly so,” he replied looking over at Murtagh understanding the hidden meaning in his question. Dr Foster happened to notice an unusual expression crisscross the older operative’s face. He nearly missed it but Murtagh wasn’t fast enough to compose himself. He raised a slight eyebrow before asking quietly, “You didn’t do anything stupid … did you?” If only the Doc could read his mind. Classified Intel was hard to access but they had given it their best shot and, in the end, they had unwittingly discovered much more than they had bargained for and that in itself was a major coup in his mind. Their experience had also given him an adrenalin rush like the one being in the field … a feeling that was oh, so good.

Murtagh looked at Dr Foster and answered rather sheepishly. “No … No … Of course not. I was just asking out of curiosity.” They soon reached ICU and entered. “Hmm?” he mumbled under his breath not quite convinced with his answer but he dismissed his misgivings anyway and replied. “Good. I wouldn’t want to see you put into abeyance for disobedience Fitzgibbons.” “Neither would I Doc. Neither would I.” ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Dr Foster entered ICU and approached James Fraser’s bed as Murtagh trailed in behind him. Taking his file from the base of the bed he quickly read the nursing staff’s notes to check on the patient’s progress over the last few hours. Closing the file, he then looked up at the patient. Jamie was breathing soundly and all his vital signs were back to normal. He was also pleased to see that colour had finally returned to his face since having the blood transfusions. Due to his conditioning and fitness what had appeared to be a crisis in the happening had been avoided. It was evident that his patient was surely on the road to recovery and had turned a corner despite the critical trauma he had faced when he’d first come into Med Lab. The physician was confident that both Claire and Jamie would bounce back from their wounds and be ready for any future assignments Madeline and Operations had in store for them with the Rising Dragons’ mission.

It had been well over 24 hours since Murtagh had seen Jamie and although he was shocked to see the IV drip and monitors surrounding him, he hoped that the worst was finally behind him. His eyes scanned all the equipment and monitors that the Level 5 operative was hooked up to, and as Dr Foster checked his vitals, Murtagh watched the persistent beats of the heart rate monitor at his bedside as it beeped. He also watched the liquid in Jamie’s intravenous drip make its way into his body giving him the nourishment to get better.

Darting his eyes from Dr Foster to Jamie then back to the doctor he tried to gauge his body language. “Is Jamie going to be okay Doc?” The physician looked at him with a wry smile that spoke volumes … it was obvious that James Fraser was going to pull through and there would be no need for additional units of blood.

“He’s stabilized and that’s a good sign.” He was thankful for that Intel even if he and Fergus had risked life and limb to ascertain what Madeline and Operations had had classified about their number one operative. He was a glass half full guy and thus could take a positive out of a negative from their situation. If nothing else living on the edge made each situation a challenge but also a necessity to survive here in Section One. Knowing that at any time you could be killed or put into abeyance meant that you lived what life you had in this hell hole to the fullest … and he and Fergus had certainly done that. What they’d done was dangerous but it was also exciting and exhilarating … it made you feel alive and that was vital to survival in Section. The patient was asleep and Murtagh didn’t want to disturb him unnecessarily by overstaying his visit. He looked back at Dr Foster asking in a hushed tone, “Will he recover fully?” “I don't see why not. He is still in good shape and has the strength to come out of this very well considering that he has been put through the wringer.” “Will there be any complications?” “As long as no infection occurs to his wound, he should be back to normal and as fit as a Mallee bull before we know it.” “How long will that be do you think?” "It's hard to say ... perhaps a week maybe more depending on how fast he heals. I’ve suggested both he and Claire have some recuperation time away from Section. This will help immensely.” "That’s good to know. I hope Madeline and Ops think so too." “Yes … that could be a stumbling block, but I’m working on it.” “Yeah … well good luck with that,” Murtagh replied knowing that an immovable object or possibly two, may have just been placed in the way of Jamie and Claire’s recovery. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ As they were quietly talking Murtagh turned his head when he heard Jamie take a deep breath. He was still a bit groggy, but nevertheless he looked around him until his gaze finally settled on the two men standing next to his bed. Jamie tried to sit up, then stopped, wincing in pain. “Mmmm.” “Hey … How are you feeling?” Jamie knew that voice of concern and taking a deep breath moved his head so that he could look at Murtagh. “Like I've been shot.” “Yeah. You were shot on the retrieval Mission ... in Hong Kong,”

“Hong Kong?” He was a little disorientated and closing his eyes Jamie rubbed his forehead, trying to remember what happened next. A little alarmed at Jamie’s lack of recollection about the mission at the monastery and by his rhetorical answer and gestures, he asked, “Do you remember?” Jamie’s eyes were closed as he spoke. “Aye … we were trapped in the monastery ... you rescued us ...” then without finishing his sentence he suddenly sighed darting his eyes to Murtagh then to the doctor. “Where's Operations? I need to debrief.” “They’ve seen you already Jamie.” “Do they ken?” As he listened his face showed no expression. “Yes, they know … I’m sure your mission debrief can wait.” The report was really secondary to what he actually wanted to know … but protocol required him to think of his obligations to Section first but it was not his primary concern. With the one pressing question hovering on his lips, James Fraser turned his head towards Dr Foster and asked solemnly, “How is Claire?” His patient was agitated and that was not good so he checked Jamie carefully for any relapse in his vital signs. Dr Foster hoped that his next answer would appease some of his concern. “She’s doing very well,” he replied.

“Thank ye.” He spoke softly as if the words he’d just heard were a cool balm that had almost instantaneously made him feel better. Jamie closed his eyes briefly and opening them he stared up at the ceiling before uttering in a voice cracking with emotion, “Can I see her?” “Not yet ... but soon.” “Soon? How soon?” “I’m sure it will only be a day or two Jamie, and then you'll be able to see her.” Murtagh chipped in. “You need to build up your strength. You have to rest.” “I’m fine.” Jeremy Foster had experienced James Fraser’s stoicism on other occasions when he’d been in Med Lab and he expected nothing less from the Level 5 operative. On the rare occasions that he’d been sent to medical, this man had often said he was “fine” even when he’d been bleeding all over the floor, but this time he was not well enough … just yet … to be going anywhere until his IV unit was out. The physician understood his frustration at being confined to a hospital bed but unfortunately there was little he could do about it. James Fraser was here and that was that. “I’m sure you are fine Jamie … but … we need to look after you first. Press the buzzer if you need anything. And try to do what Murtagh suggests … get some rest, hmmm?" “That’s right,” the munition’s expert reiterated like a concerned father. “O-kay.”

They heard Jamie’s softly spoken slurred reply as the two men turned and quietly left his room so that he could sleep. Although he was not yet able to visit his Sassenach his thoughts were anything but far away from the woman he loved. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Rest? How could he possibly rest knowing that his beautiful Claire was so close and he was unable to see her? He detested being in Med Lab and would rather discharge himself than be here one day longer than necessary. He moved in bed trying to get comfortable but comfort eluded him. The level of pain in his chest was almost bearable … if he didn’t move … but the pain of not being able to see his Claire was more unbearable. He was uncertain if he could wait another hour before being able to see for himself that she was okay. The worst thing was the not knowing what was going on outside these walls but particularly in her room. He’d been in here for over 24 hours but he had to rely on others for Intel on her progress. How much longer would he have the IV drip in for? Hopefully he would be recovered enough to have it removed tomorrow … then he would see her. He had to believe that his Sassenach was okay. He couldn’t bear to think of any other alternative. He’d lost count of how many times he’d repeated the same mantra over and over in his head, “I can bear pain myself, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have.” He couldn’t stand the thought of seeing Claire in any kind of discomfort and he needed to know that she was now okay. Lying here in bed with his brave Sassenach within reach but also too far away was killing him. Murtagh and Dr Foster wouldn’t dare lie to him that’s for sure, so it must be true that everything was okay... that she was okay, but until he saw her with his own eyes, he was not convinced. Pushing himself up into a better sitting position, Jamie grimaced as his wound started to throb unmercifully. He grimaced in anguish but gritted his teeth until the pain dissipated. He had a high threshold for pain and he wasn’t going to let a bullet wound be a setback. The surgeons had done a mammoth job of piecing him back together and because of his innate determination to fight affliction, he willed himself to be better. Jamie didn’t care about his pain. That was of no consequence … what he did care about was the hurt that his courageous Sassenach had suffered at the hands of the Rising Dragons. What motivated his recovery even more was the thought of the pain that he would inflict on the people who had hurt her. Only then would he be satisfied and then Claire would also be able to move on from the consequences of this mission.

Staring vacantly at the IV line poking out of the back of his left hand, Jamie’s thoughts turned to what would happen when they left Med Lab.

There was no way known that he or Claire would be able to resume the Rising Dragons’ mission before they were fully recovered. So, he was totally resolute that come what may, the two of them would be out of here and away from the prying eyes of Section One and their superiors to recuperate. Consumed by these thoughts of his love, James Fraser soon succumbed to the lure of sleep. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ to be continued Tuesday 12th May

#jamie and claire fanfic #jamieandclaireau #jamieandclairecrossover #LFNoutlander #outlander fanfic #the lallybroch library #covert operations #covertoperations

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