#anyway. feeling hater ish today

[evanbuckwad]

who decided the bumble ad was a good idea

[icewindandboringhorror]

[expectiations]

the way my mind works is musing over how Eleven never mentions River's name again onscreen (apparently he kept on mentioning her to Clara as 'Professor Song') while planning an edit because earlier today, I encountered a River hater gloating over how the Doctor moved on so quickly from River because he never mentioned her again and that she's not that important because the Doctor didn't spend billions of years (relative) trying to get her back after having a conversation with @croxxbunx over Eleven not mentioning River in series 7b after she sent this reel to wondering whether Twelve had done the same post-Darillium to dropping my edit planning because I wanted to continue my series 10 watch. After all, I wanted to know whether Twelve made any River namedrop other than that one deleted scene in Thin Ice. oh wait no that's not a River namedrop.

anyways...

YOUR NAME Your name is something I will never forget. The way it made me smile when I would say it. Now I can't even bear to say it without a tear coming down my eye or the thought of me never finding another you ever again. It's like a spell that won't cast. It's the curse of me never saying it again. anatomy of a broken soul - sehejspoetry

I've seen much hate (or glee) over Eleven not even talking about or mentioning River throughout series 7b. But then I recall Clara telling River that the Doctor mentioned her as 'Professor Song'. I also remember the moments that River is alluded to throughout series 7b. And those three minutes~ish in TNOTD where we get the most romantic DoctorRiver scene in the history of evers where the Doctor tells River that she is always there to him, and he always listens, and he can always see her.

The reason he didn't speak to her, didn't say her name, didn't tell Clara who she was to him, was because he thought it would hurt too much.

And he was right.

River may have already experienced Darillium with Twelve, but from Eleven's POV, he genuinely believed that his time with River had run its course.

When I lost a dear family member about a decade ago, it took me years before I was able to say her name out loud again. I just realized it now after ruminating on the Doctor's grief and their reticence of mentioning River or saying her name.

It's not because they've moved on fairly quickly even though that seems to be the general consensus. As the poem above aptly described, it is the profound pain and fear the Doctor feels over the probability of never seeing their wife ever again. I only had less than half a decade's worth of memories with my loved one, but it physically pained me to utter her name out loud, even a mere whisper. Now think about the Doctor, who had decades upon decades worth of memories with River Song. How much more would it pain them?

[dollsandmasks]

2 & 7 for the f/o asks!

Oh, thank you, kind anon! I cannot believe I was gifted an excuse to talk about my garbage lizard man. Today is a blessed day.

Anyway, Micchy from Yo-kai Watch Shadowside it is!

Because I have 657567 blorbo scrunklies running around in my head at any given moment, but he is special, okay?

2. on what do you disagree with other fans of your f/o?

Hoo boy, where do I begin? First of all, whenever Micchy appears in any given fanwork, you never know if the author is his fan, his hater or just neutral. All three are not immune to mischaracterization and bad takes. Some thing I have seen in his fan portrayals that I disagree with:

Making him an unapologetic jerk or a bad friend. I get it, jocks have been characterized as assholes since times immemorial, and he does have a delinquent background which shows up in his behaviour... Like, once in canon? Also, he has made a snide comment to Haruya at one point, and you cannot forget him making an absolute fool of himself that one time him and Natsume went shopping. These are the only three instances of him being anything but a friendly, kind and supportive person who is always there for everyone and will risk his own life and safety to make sure his friends are okay. He is one of the least mean yo-kai in the agency, and he is usually on the receiving end of every joke, jab and insult, which he just accepts as normal (low self esteem gang rise up). He is this big scary-looking dog that is cuddly and soft and full of love, but people see "big scary dog" and cannot fathom not writing about it biting anyone. This is what you get for being a scary monster man, I guess?

In addition to the previous point, making his friendship with Natsume into something creepy. I'm sick and tired of his haters misinterpreting the relationship and portraying him as an evil abusive stalker, so it is doubly saddening when people who appear to be his fans are doing the same thing. Like, yeah, ha ha funny simp man, but can we talk about how he never touched her without her permission (aside from when it was necessary to protect her from immediate danger), how he never tried to police her relationships with her other friends in any sort of way, how he never made her uncomfortable or scared (their first meeting notwithstanding), just annoyed by his general clinginess? I fully support Natsume in standing her ground and drawing necessary boundaries with him, but we as a fandom really don't have to make Micchy's awkwardness any worse than it already is. The guy is clearly trying his best and just wants to be a good friend and a good knight, he is immature and still learning. Why demonize his issues when we can explore and analyze them instead?

His age. This is where I actually agree with some fans and disagree with others, since he doesn't have a canon age, and people are bound to see him differently. To me, all yo-kai are ageless by default, since they are, well, yo-kai, and age works differently for them. Micchy looks adult(ish), but we do know that his Lightside's appearance is his own design, he chose to look like that, and it has no bearing on his actual age or maturity level. As for his maturity, I would say it fluctuates depending on the writer, but he generally appears to be between 14-18 years old, which is a huge range, but that's genuinely how he feels to me depending on the episode. Of course, his actual age could be well into centuries, or he could be, like, ten, because we do not know the rate at which his species matures. Honestly, him being a yo-kai makes this a moot point anyway. He is a ghost lizard, and appears to be in his middle or late teens by ghost lizard standards, and it might take him a few decades to transition into a young adult ghost lizard, because yo-kai live long lives and age slower than humans. You could say I do not disagree with people seeing him as being a certain age, I disagree with people who want to make his age a problem. Just headcanon him as whatever you are comfortable with, it's up for interpretation, and you are the ones chosing to interpret him in a way that squicks you. Want to see his feelings towards Natsume as a romantic crush, but don't like the implied age gap? Make him a teenager in your story, problem solved. Want to pair him up with Whisper instead? Poof, he is a young adult now, go wild. Sometimes characters don't have certain info disclosed about them, because it is irrelevant or up to interpretation, and there is no shame with filling it up according to your story needs.

One last thing (but I might think of more later and reblog this post with additions), I have seen different interpretation of how Micchy looks like underneath his suit and mask, and the only one I kind of disagree with is him having two functional eyes underneath the mask. Sure, cyclopic characters are harder to draw and tend to look weird with certain proportions, but come on, what's the point of having a monster guy in your story if you take away his monster traits? No eye means bye, it's one or I'm done. If you want to draw him as fully human, then sure, but even then I highly prefer for him to wear an eyepatch or have one eye covered by his bangs to keep the aesthetic. Speaking of hair, I support pretty much all headcanon hair people come up with, but my personal thing as of late is to imagine him with dark purple scales in places humans usually have hair. Not only does it make his Lightside form aesthetically more serpentine, it's also a very dashing monster guy look in general. I do disagree with people who think he would look wrong with hair and are opposed to people drawing him like that, though. Let my man be a bishie for once in his life, lol.

7. did your f/o deserve better?

YES. YES HE MCFREAKING DID. Micchy deserves the world. He deserves to be loved, appreciated and supported by his friends. He deserves no physical or verbal assaults thrown at him, especially when he is not doing anything wrong. He deserves to be educated on why his behaviour might upset others, to be given a chance to learn and do better. He deserves to repair his relationship with Mizuchi. He deserves to find love - I don't care who it will be, as long as they have a healthy and supportive relationship, I'm all for it. He deserves to do something grand and be seen as a hero he strives to be. He deserves to know that his friends will love him anyway, even if he never ends up doing anything grand at all. He deserves a quiet evening spent reading comic books, with a warm blanked wrapped around him. He deserves food that's good for him and a place to live. He deserves to be healthy. He deserves to love himself for who he is. He deserves recognition. He deserves at least one more focus episode, or two, or ten. He deserves a more detailed backstory.

And he sure as fuck deserved a much bigger role in the final arc of the anime. They barely let my man do anything. Sure, it makes narrative sense, since it wasn't his battle, and him staying on the sidelines and protecting the more vulnerable teammates was important and a good strategy, but I wanted him to do something memorable, to tie together his arc of wanting to become a hero, to take his Mitsumata Ghidorah form for the first time in the anime and go ballistic on Soranaki. I am happy with the final arc we got, my only complaint is that Micchy was done dirty by the writers. He could have done so much more.

[semimedieval]

the extranei's two-week day begins

(disclaimer i do not actually know how long it took to roleplay this i just know that it takes up a truly staggering amount of words)

i got bored at work / feel confident ish in getting all of it done tomorrow so.... it's time to begin this beach adventure and see how far i get. First, the girls wake up –

Quartz woke up to find sunlight streaming into the window. Today was the day. Chuji sang, "Good morning Quartz."

And the boys wake up, in a manner that is briefly more exciting than the girls' side of things before I, being no fun, quickly quash all hopes of sudden yaoi via prompt reply. Would bet money that before the 2.0 update there was some manner of "XD XD XD" or "LOL! I was like... What?" underneath from Jack.

Lupus stretched, woke up, and surveyed the room. Obsidian was curled up in a ball, James and Rim had left the room, and there was a stranger sleeping in the bed next to him. (sleeping in the bed next to Lupus's bed, not sleeping in the bed next to Lupus)

There's a silly little scene where Lupus and Obsidian crowd outside the room and interrogate the girls about Lorcan through the closed doorway, which is... silly. I do a completely meaningless little interaction between Lorcan and Obsidian, and Jack yells at Augustine for implying The Ghost Of Tozi would visit the room while they're changing.

I watch everyone put on swim suits and hit everyone with "You know what? I think we should just drop the semi-medieval thing. Girls didn't wear these things in medieval times, and I don't think Barbie existed either XD" which is.... a very late acknowledgement of the fact that almost nobody was making an effort about the Semi Medieval thing for a while. The medieval part in Semi Medieval comes from (in Jack's words) "villages and dragons and magic" and (in Moopy's, somewhat more coherent words) "not as much motorized transportation as normal, and weapons are mainly swords bows etcetera." The Semi was just about everything else. Is this a coherent approach to worldbuilding? Absolutely not.

Spark wears knee length jeans to the beach because she is an early 2010s teen lesbian icon.

They invite Charlie, to which Tozi comments "Why not? Don't worry, I've figured out how to make some huge waves if he goes to far." which is.... nightmarish. There are more 'onion rings scenes' (thank you Liam for that shorthand) of the girls getting dressed and putting on sunscreen, and we note that Obsidian is being a hater about Lorcan. Big surprise here from the world's biggest fucking hater.

Then there's this iconic little exchange. What did the boys DO on that damn night out!

Rim came out wearing board shorts and a swim shirt. "Where do we go now?" an then remembering last night. "Muscles sore Obsidian?" "What? No." Obsidian replied to Rim. Rim actually looked surprised. "Ha! So it wasn't that difficult for you after all!" He said with an air of triumph. "I can't any higher," he mocked Obsidian's tone of voice. "I'm to worn out." "Hey! It was my first time, it wasn't that bad!"

Obsidian's muscles aside, note that Rim is wearing a swim shirt. Maybe this is because Moopy is from Australia, where all must wear swim shirts to protect themselves from the cruel glare of the sun. Or maybe Rim is transgender. It's anybody's guess!

Meanwhile, a debate regarding roleplay etiquette -

TOESOCKSQUEEN: (New rule guys, and this applys to ALL of us, including me. Before you poof say, GTG or I'm gonna poof) DRAGONODSESSED: Uh, but it doesn't always work that way. Sometimes you just forget, sometimes your internet crashes. We all have to try, but it doesn't always work that way. RassberryCalling: my parents turn the internet off without me knowing. I've asked them to tell me from here on out. But, they sometimes forget.

My tone could use some work here but I remain a pretty competent roleplay-runner in the fundamentals. Anyway, there's some Onion Ring Moments of picking out towels, I all-caps Moopy for getting my Discworld reference, and we get to.... fuck, it's the night before the school year starts! Augustine announces that he can't be on because school has to come first! Extranei Summer is breathing its last gasps!!!!

I'm getting the tiniest bit emotional. I think some little unreasonable part of me will miss the way 2012 retroactively feels in my head for the rest of my life.

[h-pelessly]

December 2, 2023.

Today was Nectar's M&G and party. The M&G was at Ralph's for a release of a new Nectar pack, and we arrived at around 1:20 ish. The cast of Under the Influence podcast were going to show up at 1:30, and the first 100 people would get something. I didn't have high hopes, honestly, but then again, I'm like how big is the podcast, honestly. And people over 21 are chill. Anyway, we got there and were chilling in line. We talked to some Nectar crew because they were forced to talk to us and keep us in shape, but one of the Nectar guys said that he really likes Nectar (like duh but ok) and he recommended us the new flavor that he really likes. I don't know why he singled us out but it is what it is. I was like HEHHEOHOH. But anyways, waiting in line made me nervi tbh. The cast came out and they kept making videos and I'm like I feel DEAD. Can we also talk about Viet being fake as fuck when meeting us outside? Mans was DEAD when he first ran past us. Then, the cast came out to high five us, and Wootak missed my hand completely, and Viet stopped like 2 people before us. Whatever, at least I shook Mr. Jeremy and babygirl Esther's. So the meetup was actually super chill like the cast came out and talked to people and so did the workers. We got stickers, which these guys came out and stared hard at. I was like wtf like mind yo business???? I thot they went to UCLA and I was like no this ain't it, chief. Turns out they were friends with the cast LMAO makes sense. Also, we got gifts. They had cups or banners, but they literally ran out of cups like 2 people in front of us so we had to get banners. And we were like one of the last ones. One girl behind us got the last one. I really had to pee, but I had the worst anxiety so I couldn't go alone. Then, I asked the girl in front of me. SUPER weird I know, but she agreed and we became friends. She came alone so it made it all better :)

Books I read this month;

Offside Hearts by Nikki Lawson (4/10) This honestly has to be one of my least rated books that I've read so far. I started this book out in May, and had to stop because of an unrealistic, weird ass situation that happened between two strangers in the very beginning. Well, I somehow got to around 75% before putting it away for good. I only picked this book up so I can finally mark it as finished for the year. I feel so bad for being such a hater for this sports romance, but both the characters were so unlikable it was insane. Noah's, the MMC, only personality traits are having money and being obsessed with his girl. He had no depth to him. And Margo, the FMC, was scared of Noah's playboy antics, but still let him hit like she also became obsessed with him quickly with no regards to her heart. This was written like a fanfic and I absolutely hated it-- it wasn't realistic at all.

The Fake Out by Stephanie Archer (100/10) I was lucky enough to receive an ARC copy. I expected it to be a physical copy, but I'm just glad I got to read it at all. I absolutely fell in love with both characters. Hazel was such a sassy yet fun character. She was actually the one who initiated it which I thought was shocking yet I loved it. We love bold, powerful women. And Rory? Do not get me STARTED on Rory, my new hockey bf. Blonde guys aren't usually my go-tos like Garrett Anderson from Play with Me, but oh my god, this man had me on an absolute chokehold. He's so flirty with only HER and he has eyes (literal heart eyes) only for her. She thinks it's fake bc of the fake dating trope, but it's so real for him. The nickname he has for her had me giggling and kicking my feet. Who am I kidding? This whole book, their interaction had me giggling and kicking my feet. Crying at some parts, but that's what good books do. Chef's kiss.

Love Redesigned by Lauren Asher (7.5/10) I feel like a 7.5 is actually very kind. I started this book in November and forgot about it because I didn't have time to read the physical copy, but I picked it up in December because I wanted to read all the books in my reading pile. I read it on Apple books bc it was that much easier to read and bring everywhere and honestly bc I am fucking blind. I was kind of disappointed ngl like it took place in Lake Wisteria, which is Cal and Lana's place so maybe I had very high expectations going in. Maybe it had the billionaire trope or it's written by THE Lauren Asher so I was like it can't miss. Sadly it did. The characters were childish, the problems were rushed, and I had no connection to the characters. The MMC, Julian, most of all, missed the mark. He's grumpy and rich, which is up my aisle, but the way he interacted with Dahlia (pre-hookup) gave me the annoying boy next door. Also, Julian was fucking MEAN to cal like cal's a baby-- my baby. Back the fuck AWF. I literally had to return my physical copy bc I wasn't in love with it.

That Summer by Jillian Dodd (6.5/10) It wasn't terrible compared to other audiobooks, but I put this off for so long. See all of the books I've been putting off and finishing for the year lol. But I get that Dani (Davaney) the FMC was a high-schooler, but miss maam couldn't make up her damn mind, leaving poor Chase, the MMC, wounded. Like she likes him enough when they're forced together for the summer, but not proud enough when back to reality? And there were SO many characters. I get it's a family trip and all, but I was like why are these names relevant. And not only were they mentioned at the beginning, they had a bigger part at the end. I'm like WHO TF IS THIS AGAIN. So yeah, maybe reading it would've been better. But also, where was Chase's POV??????

Reconsidering the Facts by Emily Tudor (7.6/10) I was so excited for Oliver and Paige's story. Oliver had me from the very beginning because he was such a complicated character, and no one really saw him for him. I loved Paige as we got to know her, and the only thing that set me off was the friend group. They seem very well behaved like they all go to therapy, but they don't give each other room, and the author KEEPS talking about them like honestly, I don't really care about their stories at all can we focus back on Ollie and Paige?! But there was a murder mystery tied into it which was very unexpected yet fun, and I liked it. Maybe I need to go to therapy because I absolutely DESPISED the friend group, but they make a lot more sense in this book than in the first one.

Better than the Movies by Lynn Painter (8/10) Lynn Painter doesn't miss. Tara recommended me this book and I saw that it was short so I was like why the f not. The beginning was like a movie, and I was like ehhhh, but then, when Liz started recognizing her feelings for Wes, I was screaming and pumping my fist in the air. Like I get that Liz is a rom-com fanatic so like she daydreams about the perfect everything, but like she tries planning out everything, and it was so cute when she came to the realization that she LIKES wes. I was sobbing and crying ugly the whole time. What threw me off was the end like what the actual fuck and the miscommunication trope like COME THE FUCK ONNNNNN. Anyways, it wasn't spicy at all. So I know if a story is good, spice is not needed.

Better than the Prom by Lynn Painter (9/10) This is a continuation or extra from Better than the Movies in Wes's POV, and I've been needing that shit from the very beginning. Too fucking bad we only get one little part, but it was ahmazing and much needed. Wes is such a sweetheart and like ugh, chef's kiss.

Personal Foul by Maggie Rawdon (7.95/10) I was looking to Wren and Easton's story since the very beginning, but the book was honestly not up to my expectations. I expected more banter between the two and the hate. However, Easton definitely topped my expectations-- how would anyone guess that this guy is an absolute marshmallow? Wren's worries about the friend group not accepting is valid, but also, I was like as a friend, they SHOULD be supportive and if it doesn't work, all they can do is help out. So I'm glad they do end up supporting the two. I want to give the author a standing ovation for the proposal at the end-- that made me tear up and I just want the best for these two.

The Mistake by Elle Kennedy (7/10) I mean it was a solid story, but it was so basic and simple. I probably should have binged the whole Off Campus series in the beginning, but I didn't and I put myself in a weird position. Because I bought the blue sprayed edges, I'm going to read all of them now. Honestly, the way (John) Logan looked at Hannah in The Deal was kind of giving me the ick. And that's exactly how the book starts out. It gives me Twisted Hate vibes because I liked the FMC, Grace, sm more than the MMC. Grace was so innocently charming and then became baddass when she realized her worth. I absolutely loved that for her, but I did like them together. I just think them coming together was rushed and random. Like their meet cute was super random and forced-- it wasn't even cute. But they are cute, I will say that.

[memxntomxri]

ｌｏｎｅｌｙ ｔｏｇｅｔｈｅｒ

ꜱᴇʀɪᴇꜱ ᴍᴀꜱᴛᴇʀʟɪꜱᴛ | ᴍᴀꜱᴛᴇʀʟɪꜱᴛ | ʜᴏᴍᴇ

𝘱𝘢𝘪𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨 - kuroo tetsurou x kozume kenma

𝘨𝘦𝘯𝘳𝘦 - fluff, comfort

𝘥𝘦𝘴𝘤 - kenma has a breakdown over haters on the internet. kuroo comforts him.

𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘥 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘵 - 1.4k

𝘵𝘸 - online people being assholes, panic attacks, referenced stalker-ish behaviors

𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘦𝘴 - fluff to make up for day 1's fic. thank you for discord server friends (LouEve_094, Lena) who listened to me screech while writing this.

｡o°✥✤✣ 　　 ✣✤✥°o｡

Kuroo’s assistant, Takahashi, tentatively stuck his head into the conference room, where Kuroo was currently listening to a pitch about doing a joint press venture with the baseball league. It was interesting, but not enough that he didn’t notice his assistant’s frantic finger-pointing and beckoning.

Kuroo murmured a quiet “Sorry” and excused himself from the table, stepping out to converse with Takahashi. Takahashi wouldn’t bother Kuroo unless it wasn’t urgent.

“Sorry, sir, but I’m so glad Suzuki-san informed me about the situation, I—” he began. Kuroo held up a hand. Takahashi was trustworthy and brilliant with a spreadsheet program, but he could also run on for hours if one didn’t force him to cut to the chase.

“Takahashi, what exactly happened?” Kuroo said. Takahashi shot him a confused look, then his eyes widened almost comically.

“Kuroo-san, did you not see your ring?” he asked. In their world, because of some god’s whim or something, everyone was born with a ring tattoo on their right ring finger. It acted like some sort of mood ring… for your soulmate. Blue meant sadness, red meant anger, green meant disgust or jealousy, yellow happiness, gold pride, so on, so forth. When you met them, the ring would flare a bright, distinctive color. Kuroo had been fortunate enough to witness his flare as a measly 8-year-old, and Kenma had been stuck with him ever since.

Kuroo automatically glanced down at his right hand. Shit, he cursed. It was black all the way through—that was not good. That meant that something had set off Kenma’s panic attacks—a bad one, because Kuroo couldn’t see the swirls of grey that meant that his fiancée wasn’t completely lost yet—and Kuroo felt horrible for not noticing.

Takahashi gulped. Kuroo had momentarily forgotten that his assistant existed. “There’s more, Kuroo-san.” he said warily, as if approaching a wild animal.

“What?” Kuroo snapped, then shook his head quickly. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to do that.” Takahashi smiled gently, a reassuring one meant to placate Kuroo’s wild emotions. “It’s okay, Kuroo-san. Um… are you sure you want to know what’s going on with Kozume-san?” he grimaced. It must be bad for Takahashi, of all people, to be making negative facial expressions. “Just tell me.” Kuroo barked. He winced. “Sorry, didn’t mean that either.”

Takahashi replied, “It’s alright. Anyways, it seems that when Kozume-san beat out that beauty youtuber, Alice007, for the first Japanese Youtuber to get 10 million subscribers today, she went on a tangent on Twitter and caused a lot of her fans to start attacking Kozume-san. They… also mentioned you.”

Kuroo’s head whipped up. “What?”

“Apparently, Alice-san’s sister went to Nekoma High too and believed that she was your soulmate. If the tweets are any indication, both of them are a little, forgive me for saying this in a professional setting, delusional.” he said apologetically. Kuroo wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. On one hand, the love of his life was being torn down online. On the other hand, Takahashi was finally saying something negative about a human being.

Kuroo tipped his head back.

“Well, I’m heading home. Sorry for flaking out on the meeting, but can you please tell them a brief summary of what’s going on? Don’t go into too much detail though, Kenma values his privacy.” he requested. Takahashi nodded. God, Kuroo was lucky to have his assistant. “Thanks, Takahashi, you’re a lifesaver. Why don’t you take Friday night out and take Mizuki-san,” Takahashi’s 158cm tall spitfire soulmate who always seemed to have an infinite supply of dirty jokes, “out on a date?”

Takahashi allowed a small smile to break his professional face. “That would be very nice, Kuroo-san. Thank you. Now go, Kozume-san needs you.” he said, shooing Kuroo down the hall towards the elevators.

For someone who acted so demure while working, Takahashi sure could be forceful when he wanted to.

｡ₓ ू ₒ ु ˚ ू ₒ ु ₓ｡

Kuroo nudged the door to his and Kenma’s two-bedroom (one was Kenma’s streaming room) open. His arms were laden with bags from the nearby grocery store, filled with Kenma’s favorite comfort foods, a few new video games, and a box of prescription meds for his anxiety that Kenma had slowly moved on from.

“Kenma?” he called down the hallway. No response, except for sounds of muffled sobbing coming from their bedroom. Kuroo kicked off his shoes and set the bags down, heading down the hall to investigate.

He cracked open the door a few centimeters, and there Kenma was, curled up in a ball on the king-sized mattress, phone an arm’s length away, screen cracked. Kuroo tracked his eyes to the correspondingly-sized dent in the wall. He walked in, sitting down next to Kenma’s prone form, but not touching him.

“Hey, kitten.” he greeted quietly. Kenma reached for his sleeve, rubbing his hand twice, up, down, on Kuroo’s wrist. Ah. That was the signal for when he had gone nonverbal but wanted Kuroo to give him physical and verbal affection.

Kuroo scooped Kenma up into his arms, tucking him into his lap as he rested his chin on top of Kenma’s head. “I’m sorry people are being assholes, Kenma. I hope you don’t believe them, because they sure as hell aren’t true.” Small hiccups as more tears ran down Kenma’s face.

That was alright. Sometimes, Kenma just needed someone to hold him and tell him that he was alright.

“I bought that game you wanted. Overcooked? Yeah, that was its name. We can try it out when you feel up to it. Maybe invite Akaashi and Bokuto over. Chibi-chan and Kageyama too, if they’re in Tokyo.” Kuroo continued.

“You know, all these people love you, Kenma. It doesn’t matter what people online think, especially when they’re just following a deranged leader.” Kuroo reassured him.

Kenma looked up at him questioningly. Kuroo sighed. “Yeah, I heard. I have no idea who Alice-san’s sister is,” he said in response to Kenma’s silent question, “besides, I trust our parents and our own memories more than some beauty guru who can’t take being beaten.” he scoffed.

Kenma took a few deep breaths, a sign that he was slowly calming down. Kuroo rubbed comforting circles down his back. “T-Tetsu.” he murmured. “Am I a bad soulmate because I’m not that affectionate?”

Kuroo jolted, then cupped his hands gently around Kenma’s face, leaning down to press a light kiss to his lips. “No, Kenma, never. I know you love me, and you know I wouldn’t have you any other way. You’re my kitten, remember?” he reminded. Kenma nodded slowly. Good. Kuroo breathed a slight sigh of relief in his mind. It had been months since he had needed to do this.

Kenma continued, speaking even quieter. “Will everyone leave me? Am I going to be lonely in the end?” he asked. Kuroo’s heart ached. He knew that that had always been one of Kenma’s insecurities—that his aloofness would drive people away from him. “Kenma, if you’re alone, then I’ll be alone with you.” Kuroo said resolutely.

Kenma broke down into a few sobs, hopefully getting it out of his system. “T-Tetsu, they found our address.” Kuroo froze. “What?” Kenma nodded. “Yeah. S-someone sent me a red paint-stained picture of me with a knife stabbed through my f-forehead.” he struggled to get out.

“Shh, shh, Kenma, I’m here now. Don’t force yourself if you don’t want to talk.” Kuroo reassured.

Shit. They had both known that this could become a probability when Kenma had started getting famous, and they had been lucky for a few years, but someone finding out at this moment was just bad luck.

Kuroo wrapped his arms tighter around Kenma’s smaller frame. “Don’t worry, kitten, I’ll protect you. Always and forever, remember?” he said with a cheeky smile, pointing at the band (the metal one) around Kenma’s left ring finger.

Kenma’s quiet, melodic chuckle filled the air.

Kuroo chanced a glance down at his right ring finger. It was still dark and murky, but there were traces of pink and a pale color that he hoped was yellow. It wasn’t back to usual, but they were getting there.

｡ₓ ू ₒ ु ˚ ू ₒ ु ₓ｡

A few hours later…

Curled up on the couch, Kenma fiddled away at his PSP. Kuroo plopped down next to him, holding two steaming cups of chamomile tea. “Tetsu, I placed an order for a new phone.” Kenma said, not looking up from the phone.

“Oh also, you’re still going to have to pay half the rent for our new apartment. I’m not going to be your sugar daddy, no matter how much you beg.” Kenma deadpanned.

Kuroo snorted. Nothing ever really changed with his Kenma.

｡o°✥✤✣ 　　 ✣✤✥°o｡

© ʙᴇᴛʜᴇʏᴅᴏᴄʀɪᴍᴇᴡʀɪᴛᴇꜱ 2021 - ᴘʟᴇᴀꜱᴇ ᴅᴏ ɴᴏᴛ ᴄᴏᴘʏ ᴏʀ ʀᴇᴘᴏꜱᴛ ᴡɪᴛʜᴏᴜᴛ ᴄʀᴇᴅɪᴛ

[lightscamerabitchsmileee]

Happy Birthday Taylor ❤️❤️

I know I’m a little late writing this but @taylorswift I literally can’t believe that you’re 30 now I feel like it was only yesterday when I listened to Tim McGraw on CMT and instantly loved it from the first listen at that time you were 16 and I was 13 and like with many as a fan I got to watch you grow from country girl-next-door to the legendary pop queen that you are today your music has been an important part of my teen years and still important to this day as an adult every album that you’ve made has helped me at a certain point in my life including your latest album Lover ❤️❤️.

Your first two albums your self titled debut and Fearless were a huge part of my junior high to high school years I remember in high school when songs like Our Song, I’m Only Me When I’m With You & You Belong With Me was truly my jams and there was sort of a reliability to it 😊😊 The Best Day was definitely one of my favorites at that time because it reminded me of my mom and my family in general & Jump Than Fall, The Outside, Picture To Burn & Fearless were some other faves that I enjoyed around that time too (although I love every song on both albums 😊😊)

I think the moment where I knew that I truly became a full on Swiftie was when you released Speak Now your self-written masterpiece that’s not only my favorite album of yours but also the most relatable to my life it came out at the perfect time in my last year of high school when during that album cycle I graduated, went to university and also gotten into my first serious relationship and had my first breakup songs like Sparks Fly, Ours, Enchanted & Mine represented the relationship aspect part of my life while songs like Last Kiss & Haunted represented the early part of my breakup (Red took care of the rest haha), Never Grow Up is probably one of my favorites on a personal level it really struck a cord with me when I first moved away from home to go to university I remember my first night in Rez and I listened to that song and nearly cried because I was homesick and this song really got me through it and then there’s Long Live the song you wrote for the us fans and I just couldn’t get over how amazing that song is and it still holds up to this day especially now where it really is “the end of a decade and start of an age” haha but this album is what truly made me a Swiftie 4 life ❤️❤️

Red came after that and by this time I was going through my first breakup and if any album really got through it was this one (along with your other albums at that time haha) songs like I Almost Do, Come Back Be Here, Treacherous, Sad Beautiful Tragic and especially the best song you ever written All Too Well these songs definitely tugged at my heartstrings because those songs really related to what I was going through at the time it was therapy for me and songs like 22, Holy Ground, State Of Grace, Red, Starlight & Everything Has Changed definitely helped with the healing and making me smile and dancing and singing it all away (22 was even a better song when I actually turned 22 and jammed to that song the whole year I was 22 haha) and Begin Again is literally the perfect closer because it represented what was to come and it was the song I needed to move on. This was the album where you experimented with pop and I literally loved that you took that step and I loved seeing you evolve as an artist and that love grew even more when you released 1989.

1989 was your big bold crossover into pop and while I did love your country-side I was all for your pop pivot and when I hear Shake It Off I was literally dancing and singing to “this sick beat” and it was on repeat every since and still is to this day my go to get up and dance song every time. At this time you started trying to connect with your fans a bit more and this was when you joined Tumblr and being the super fan that I am like everyone I was pretty excited because I was on Tumblr (had it for 2 years at the time) and I was trying so hard to get you to notice me and one day on October 18th I was casually blogging and trying to get noticed by you and all of a sudden you followed me out of the blue and I was so incredibly happy I was jumping up and down and blasting your music at 2 am in my dorm room in Rez (I was lucky I didn’t wake anyone up haha 😂😂) so in awe that someone as famous as you would follow my little blog and I can’t thank you enough for following me and liking and reblogging my posts all these years so thank you from the bottom of my heart for that 😊😊

Anyways when 1989 came out it was amazing I remember taking two buses to Target to buy the album the day of the release and I remember coming back to my dorm room and just listening to the album over and over ❤️❤️. At this time I was in a second relationship but it was short lived and I was still in university at the time but I ended up failing later (by only half a point) and I had to come back home and get a job to try and go back and I remember being very upset I did a lot of soul searching and finding myself at this point and this album got me through those times and you & 1989 really taught me how to truly love myself and that I don’t need a relationship to make me happy and I stayed single for almost 4 years. Every song was just magical and fun like Wonderland, New Romantics, I Wish You Would and especially Style one of my all time favorites and slower songs like This Love, You Are In Love, Out Of The Woods and Wildest Dreams really tugged at the heartstrings a bit.

My favorite moment during this time was when I did an album review for 1989 as a Communications Studies project for my university newspaper The Muse and I remember taking a picture of the article when it got published and posted it on Tumblr and trying to get you to notice it and anyways a few days later you liked my review and I was literally so happy and was jumping up and down and couldn’t believe that the biggest pop star on the planet loved my review I never forgot it even to this day literally the best day of my life (until I meet you someday that is haha) so thank you for liking it and hopefully I can get your thoughts on it someday 😊😊.

Reputation came next and by 2017 I was back in the big city, I have a best friend and later found the love of my life Kim today ❤️❤️ Repuation while not the most relatable to my life was such an interesting and fascinating listen start to finish it was Taylor like we never seen her before and I really liked the badass side of you Taylor haha calling out the haters and the press doing things on your own terms and taking an emoji like a snake and turning it into a symbol of empowerment and I just loved that 😊. Look What You Made Do was such a jam through and through and Ready For it was the perfect starter ❤️❤️. The album was amazing Getaway Car is all time favorite on the album with its hint of 1989-ish synth pop throwbacks, Delicate was my favorite single because it was such a lighthearted pop song to bop to, End Game was truly amazing and probably the most relatable to me was the last two songs Call It What You Want and New Years Day where it definitely to when I met my Fiancé early last year ❤️❤️

And finally we get to Lover an album that I can honestly say is your best since Speak Now and truly another relatable album that reflects my life with my fiancé ❤️❤️ the title track is our song actually as it totally relates to our relationship and we are planning on making this the song that we are gonna dance to when we have our wedding ❤️❤️ and other songs like The Archer, Paper Rings & Daylight all reflect my relationship with Kim in some way and that make me truly happy ❤️❤️ and my favorite out of all them is Cruel Summer it’s such a jam and probably one of your best Taylor honestly 😊😊 and other songs like The Man & Soon You’ll Get Better are just amazing 😊😊. It goes to show that even to this day Taylor you still make such a huge impact on my life and I don’t know what I’d do or where I’d be if you and your music wasn’t there and for that I thank you so much for being a major part of my life ❤️❤️

So to conclude Taylor I truly grew up with your music and it was amazing to watch you grow as an artist and grow as a person you’re a fighter, you’re an independent strong woman, you’ve overcome many obstacles, You’re kind, generous, hilarious, you care about your fans and go above and beyond for us every day whether it’s 13 hour meet and greets or the secret sessions or Swiftmas or inviting one of your fans into your house or paying a fan’s student loans you’ve always took the extra mile and that’s one of many reasons why I love you and why you’re my favorite artist of all time you’re also very vocal about many issues that are near and dear to your heart like LGBT rights, voting rights and (especially recently when it comes to trying to regain ownership of your music) artists and other musical acts rights in the industry. You’re an inspiration to many thank you for being that voice.

I’m so happy that you and your music exist and thank you for being such an important of my life musically you’ve always been my role model and you and your music inspire me every single day. Happy ThirTAYth Birthday Taylor I hope you had the best day 😊😊 thank you and I love you and I hope someday we get to meet 😊😊

[nochuuuenthusiast]

vlive

anon asked:  hi! can i request one where you are both idols and you do a vlive together and just do a bunch of cute couple like things and whatever else u want to add 💞

sorry if this isn’t what you were expecting >< and i’m sorry for taking such a long time!! i had trouble thinking of a plot but here it finally is ! so i hope you enjoy !!

*requests are always open so feel free to ask away!

genre: fluff; idol!jungkook, idol!reader

word count: 1496

Jungkook stared blankly at the screen of his phone with his eyes wide open as he saw the number of views and likes increase exponentially by the second.

1:30am

Jungkook was currently in his hotel room in Hong Kong after attending one of his favorite, yet most tiring, music award show: MAMA-- Mnet Asian Music Awards. Although he loved performing with the rest of his members and feeling the rush of adrenaline as he danced and sang his heart out, his favorite part of the show was watching you... your charisma whenever you stepped foot on the stage always gave him goosebumps and seeing your passion and talent always made him smile. Today was no different. After his grand 15 minute performance, Jungkook rushed to get changed as quickly as he could so that he wouldn’t miss your performance. Jungkook loved your group’s new comeback, especially since the fans were able to see a new “sexy” side of you, after having promoted the “cutesy, girly” concept for over a year now.

Sometimes your fansites would catch him nonchalantly staring at you while you were on stage, but now that it has already been over a year since your respective companies revealed the news that you two were officially dating, they had gotten used to it and there were less haters than before. Jungkook knew that confirming your relationship would upset some fans but he viewed your relationship seriously and he knew that telling the public would be the only way to show you his commitment... and so, after months of keeping things a secret, Jungkook finally pressured BigHit to release a statement.

1:31am

“Hi everyone...” Jungkook scrolled through the never-ending comments to see how his fans were reacting to his V live.

“Guys, I’ll get started at... 1:35... let’s wait for everyone to come in.”

Jungkook was extremely tired and he felt like he could probably knock out the instant he laid down on his bed, but you told him that you wanted to do a V live with him after the award show since you’ve never done a V live together as a couple. So, despite his tired state, Jungkook agreed to do one... he just couldn’t resist your needs.

1:35am

“So you guys are probably wondering why I turned this on... Well, the truth is... (y/n) really wanted to do a V live with me... so, we’re gonna eat our dinner and answer some of your questions a bit later.”

Jungkook’s pupils were moving up and down as he tried to read all of the fast comments that were being posted.

“Where is (y/n)? Ahh... she’s taking a shower right now... she said she didn’t want to look sweaty in front of you guys so she said she’ll come in a bit later...”

Jungkook put his elbow on top of the hotel desk while his chin rested on the palm of his left hand as he continued to look through the comments.

“What are you going to eat? Well.... I’m not too sure... but I think I’ll make some ramen for now while I wait for (y/n) to finish up.”

1:52 am

“So yeah... I’ve really been into this song lately... it’s called --” 

Knock. Knock. Knock. 

When Jungkook heard the knocks on the door of his hotel room, he put his chopsticks down to stop pause his eating session, and turned his head towards the door then back again at the camera. 

“Ooh.. I think that’s (y/n)... *reads the comments with huge doe eyes* AHAHA... no, I’m not gonna prank her... she’s gonna kill me... maybe next time.”

Your knocks started to get progressively aggressive so Jungkook knew that it was his cue to open the door before you got mad. He rushed over to the door and looked through the peephole to make sure it was actually you and when he confirmed your identity, he opened the door. You were wearing an oversized t-shirt that he had let you borrow a while ago (He eventually let you keep it since you wore it more than he did.... It was laundry day when you asked him if you could have the shirt... “You seem to like it more than I do so I’ll let you have it... for free... because I’m the nicest boyfriend in the universe,” he said in response to your question.) as well as some cotton shot-shorts that displayed your beautiful, long legs. 

You pranced into his room and walked over to the camera to greet the fans. Once Jungkook got settled next to you, he continued to eat his ramen and offered you some. You brought out your own pair of chopsticks and started to eat. 

“Hi guys! It’s (y/n)... I’m really hungry... and if I knew Jungkook would be eating BEFORE me, I would have come a little sooner, but...” you turned your head to glare at your boyfriend. Jungkook giggled at your scorn but continued to slurp down his ramen anyway.

“So, I was telling the fans that we’d answer some of the questions that they had for us.”

“Ooh, okay,” you said happily.

You finished the last of Jungkook’s ramen so you went to the side to make another bowl. 

“Oppa... how much water did you add to this pot?” 

“Umm... just do like a little over half way...”

2:00am

Jungkook was picking out some of the questions that he wanted to answer with you and by the time you were back in frame, he sat you down and proceeded with the first question.

“Jungkook oppa, how long have you and (y/n) unnie been dating?” Jungkook said as he read the first question.

“Um... we’ve been dating since July 31, sooo that would be around a year and a half... ish” you answered while you transferred some of the noodles from the pot to your bowl.

“Next question!” you said as you looked for a question this time. 

“Do you have pet peeves of each other?” 

“Everyone, did you know that (y/n) never does the laundry... I always have to do it for her! Please tell her to fix her habits.” Jungkook sounded like a 9 year old child who was telling on his sibling to his mother.

“Hey! No... I do it sometimes! Also, everyone, did you know that Jungkook sleeps with his legs crossed over each other?! He takes up so much space on the bed... I just want to sleep by myself sometimes.”

You smirked in Jungkook’s direction as if you were getting revenge on him for what he said earlier.

“(Y/N) NEVER MAKES HER BED!” he protested. 

“That’s not true!” you blushed as you smacked his arm playfully. Jungkook laughed hysterically at your reaction and was about to continue listing your bad habits until you stood over him to cover his mouth. 

“YA! JEON JUNGKOOK! Stop exposing me!” you yelled as you finished your attempt to keep his mouth shut. 

“AHAH okay, okay... I’ll stop... I’ll be the nice boyfriend that I always am... I won’t say anything.” 

You glared at him when the word “nice” came out of his mouth. Jungkook smiled at how adorable you were being and continued to eat his meal. 

2:34am

You and Jungkook were both on the hotel bed now. You were wrapped around the blanket sheets and your eyes were starting to become puffy from the drowsiness.

“Okay guys... (y/n) looks kinda tired... last question for today, all right?”

“Hold on... let me go wash my face real quick... I feel like I’m gonna fall asleep... wait for me okay?” you said as you got out of the bed. 

“Okay, sure,” Jungkook said as he watched you walk sleepily to the bathroom. 

While he was looking through the comments by himself to pick out the final question, his smile suddenly appeared when he came across a particular question: Are you planning on marrying (y/n)? You guys are so cute together...

Jungkook leaned in closer to the camera so that you wouldn’t be able to hear him.

“Is it that obvious? Hehe... but yes, I am planning on marrying (y/n)... very soon,” Jungkook smiled at himself. “But you better not tell her anything! Or else I’m just gonna deny all the accusations, okay?” 

Jungkook could hear the bathroom door open again so he repositioned the camera to where it was before you left. You jumped back on the bed and kissed Jungkook on the cheek. “So... where were we?” 

“Ahh right... we told them that we would answer one last question before we ended the live,” he said casually, trying to act like nothing had happened during the short 2 minutes that you were gone.

“Do you love each other?” Jungkook said aloud, repeating the question.

“Yes. I do.” You stared into his eyes dreamily... waiting to hear his response.

“I love (y/n) too... very, very, very much.” 

[vjjeons]

whaddup!! i’m acacia (satan). i’m twenty years old, i use she/her pronouns and i hail from the pst timezone! i’m super excited to be in a lil ol’ group again because i haven’t been in one since like… idk?? but enough about me — let’s get to the good stuff aka my girl, veronica jeon. it gets pretty lengthy, so if you just want the overall version of it just scroll to the very end! anyways, if you like this, i’ll take it as an invitation to IM you for plots, so be careful!! ♡

jennie kim + cis female + she/her — have you met veronica jeon? they are a twenty-one year old artist/barista known as the philophobic. a pansexual scorpio, they are independent + bold, as well as stubborn + cynical. their soulmark is a crescent moon on the left ring finger, and they can feel the emotions of their soulmate.

BACKGROUND + TRIGGER WARNINGS: abuse, death, drugs

to kick things off, veronica grew up with just her mother around. her father had always been MIA. so, she doesn’t have a lot of memories involving him. therefore, her mother dated an array of men. often times neglecting her daughter, with the exception of the times she brought in successful report cards.

when she was thirteen, her mother married a man who physically abused veronica any chance he had. especially when mrs. jeon started cheating on him. so ronnie recoiled around her art for a few years.

being alone as an only child, she had to keep herself entertained. she started off by doodling with just a pencil. but, eventually expanded with acrylic paints and water colors. thus ultimately discovering her love for the arts!! 

she isn’t exactly sure how she’s going to find a successful career path through her beloved hobby. which is why she picked up her job as a barista to make some actual cash flow.

when veronica turned sixteen, she thought of tracking down her father in hopes of reuniting with him. this lead her to her grandmother’s house. who eventually had to break the news that her father had died from a drug overdose before she was born.

though, the news was shocking. it didn’t leave her feeling empty. instead, she found something better — her grandmother. she instantly connected with the woman and eventually found herself making her grandmother’s home as a sort of safe haven.

her grandma even supported her with her arts. buying her any supplies she needed and giving her suggestions on places she can find more muse. basically fulfilling the mother role veronica desperately needed.

but one day while visiting, the woman had passed in her sleep. this took a toll on ronnie considering how attached she became to her grandmother and her home. she would have to return back to her mother’s and her step-father. when she went back, the man attempted to abuse her again. however, she ratted him out. ultimately sending him to his imprisonment.

once she turned eighteen, her mother had packed up her things and left the girl behind. though, ronnie was fazed by the woman’s actions. nor did she feel any lose considering how little she cared about the other.

but good things do happen to v! one day she received a letter explaining that she inherited her grandmother’s fortune. (which she often uses to pay off her apartment bills.) along with a small journal with letters and locations to keep veronica on the right path. to stray away from the hatred and negativity and turn those emotions into something beautiful.

PERSONALITY + RELATIONSHIPS

PERSONALITY: she is charming, creative, and witty. however, she can be quite cynical, stubborn, and reserved. she has that tell it like it is personality. she just calls it likes she sees it. even if she’s not exactly right. she’s witty and intelligent. she’s very particular when it comes to most things. she wants things done correctly. so she often runs by the quote, “if you want things right you gotta do it yourself.” she doesn’t like relying on others to get things done when she knows she could do it faster and better. a little bit of a ocd queen. she’s one of those people that set their mind to something and goes through with it until the end. she has a way with words. her silky soft voice makes it easy for her to manipulate people. (unless you’re close to her, then they can see past the bullshit.) but don’t get her talking about feelings. because you’re gonna just hear crickets if you do that. she’s sort of an introvert. over the years, veronica had to work hard to become the person she is today — someone who is hopeful, who sees art and beauty everywhere, even in the ugliest parts of the world..some days, it’s a little harder, but she never gives up. she’s slowly growing out of her tough head of hair and morphing into a young woman so beautiful over the years, but also at times, terrifying?? self destructive?? even if she’ll never let anyone see her deteriorate her insides sigh. basically she’s a hot mess. but she tries her best to hide that shit. yeye sweg.

when it comes to FRIENDS veronica can always use some of ‘em. she possess the qualities of a good friend loyal, honest, trustworthy. however, she can be quite pessimistic. which might be a reason why she doesn’t have as many friends. once her mind is set to think a certain way it’s hard to persuade her to believe otherwise. she’s the type of friend to listen to your problems, but be prepared to listen to her unwanted opinions – all of them. she’s also the type to put a friend in check when they need it. she thinks of it as trying to convince them to see the bigger picture. first impressions is something she might not be very good at. while she isn’t exactly the definition of rude, she tends to not filter then things she says. overall, i would say that she might just need a handful of friends, a whole bunch of acquaintances, and her a ride or die.

please flood her with ENEMIES. i know for a fact that she has these. being so boldly opinionated and all. you know this girl has more than enough haters. sometimes she has some very evil intentions. she’s vengeful and irrational. but, don’t get me wrong. she’s not pure evil. veronica does have some good intentions, she leans more to the chaotic evil side. deep deeeeep deeeeeeeeep down the girl is trust issue central when it comes to letting people in. she can’t help it. she has abandonment issues thanks to her parents. therefore, she might come off as standoff-ish to new people. she keeps her circle tight. so maybe they think she’s cliquey? or she could have pushed people away. she’s like that one rihanna meme, them: you can’t just cut people off. ronnie: *holds a pair of scissors* she doesn’t have problem with letting people go. so maybe people think she’s a bitch because, “how could you just drop our five year long friendship like that.” and she’d just shrug. but really, she’s hurting beyond repair and will go home crying while eating a thing of ben & jerry’s chunky monkey. and there’s always that possibility where a friendship just didn’t work out. maybe they just stopped having time for each other and now it’s just mad awk. whatever it is, an enemy would b beaut.

as for LOVERS. veronica is a fucking cynic. love ain’t real and life is cold. she’d rather just be alone and happy than in a relationship and suffering. she sees so many people around her settle for less. (her mother being a prime example of that.) especially when she’s giving advice for friends. she doesn’t think people should be so easily manipulated by the concept of love. she knows there’s a difference between wanting someone and wanting to be with someone. and in her eyes, most people only settle for the sake of companionship. it’d be a hard mission to win this girl over. but not impossible. she’s definitely been on a few dates and had a couple of relationships. though most ended quickly due to the realization she only fell for their smooth talking and nothing more. 100% dabbles in the quick hook ups for the sake of fulfilling those needs. though, if the right person were to come along… she’d be loyal to them, completely devoted to just them.

WANTED CONNECTIONS

sooooo, my lazy ass actually found the power to make a RELATIONSHIPS PAGE. peep it, tell me what you think. if you can’t find something your muse fits, throw whatever ideas you have right at me! i’m so down for whatever.

MISCELLANEOUS

in a nutshell, she’s an angel with a halo unbalanced with horns, not a devil but not a saint either?? kind yet has a backbone. softer than what she seems like. humorous and witty though understanding. mistrusting but willing to let loyalty speak. veronica is a hot mess dealing with personal issues by lashing out on those around her. she’s loyal, but manipulative. opinionated, but easily offended. intelligent, but sometimes argumentative. she’s a bit of a feminist. trusts no bitch. but if you’re her friend, she’s chill as fuck. though, she’s a bit hesitant when it comes to making new friends. since she’s likes being a lame outcast. but really — she just doesn’t know how to process her good thoughts into words. she’s a barista and a tortured artist. she’s independent, hardworking, and determined. muse inspo for her: kat stratford (10 things i hate about you), samantha borgens (stuck in love), michelle (spider-man homecoming), and a hint of blair waldorf (gossip girl). anyways, give her girl scout cookies and she’ll love you til the end of time.

congratulations ! you made it to end ! if you read all of this… i love you. i only ever write so much bc… it gets me in character lmao. also, i wrote all of this the second i woke up. so don’t mind the grammar mistakes and what not. HENNYWAYS… i would really love to plot with everyone. so just slide into my DMs and we can get things started!! luv u *blows a kiss*

[woozi]

hfdjdjdksk thank you all credit goes to me bc i gave myself a name on my own ( for my internet persona 💀 i don't like telling my real name so jssjsj) was too obsessed w/ rm's moonchild back then so wanted dn for my twt idk how but i came up with cherie moonchild ( i don't like the word ' dear ' bc that's what guys use here the most, to slide into dm lmaooo ' hi dear, happy birthday dear' 💀 ) mini tmi hehe.

alao i forgot to ask last time but do you the youtube channel form of therapy? i really enjoy watching his svt reactions, always make me notice and appreciate details more i loved his rwy reaction.

yes i hope both of them are taking care of their health, hao has been on airports so much??? ( it was little funny but like he must get tired hope him and jun are resting as well too, i'm very happy to see the updates of the stuff they're doing there. i'd love to see the actual content too but i have no access nor the energy <//3

i literally can't choose just one title track noooo 😭, maybe between home/dwc these are my kind of songs completely.

yessss it does make sense! naur </3 i should've kept the junhao reaction part a secret then :3

put two and two together...... what's two minus one? jddjkdkdkdledjdj any kind of maths will keep reminding me of this from now

cheol voice : we're too old for this 😭 wanna find the person made youth believe in ' 20s are your best years ' and beat him tbh djjdkskssk ( sorry for bringing in violence in today's tea party bestie </3 :3 )

same to you <333 ( seungkwan who? from now on you hold ' babu ' endearment title ) also dino got seungkwan so good in today's gose ep 😭😭😭 it was so fun i love love love insomnia ep ( it's literally 4 a.m rn, maybe i love insomnia itself as well help djjdkd) im so happy they brought it back i was wishing for cheol to participate since he gets whiny easily djjddk i love it :3 ( also booo for joshua / jeonghan winning and going home early i wanted them to stay till end ) let me how was your experience watching gose also how was your week? sending you a big hug and sexy week vibes mwah <3

OHHH I THOUGHT CHERIE WAS UR REAL NAME!! still v sexie nonetheless <3 sexier even bc u chose it for urself <3

ALSO YEAH OH MY GOD JKFJKDFKJFJD also dear is kinda granny-ish to me for some reason lol <3

and NOOO OMG WHAT IS THAT 👀👀👀 is this the producer (?) guy?? i have been seeing a lot of rxn vid snippets of rwy on tiktok dfjfdjkfd

I KNOW?????????// like, we know what jun's been up to but we also just see hao at the airport without knowing what it is for 👁👄👁 boy's gonna give 8stars a heartattack, lol. and yeah, i get that </3 keeping up with the svteenies is SOOO hard

AGAIN....... UR TASTE <3 giving u 500 kisses for dwc/home <3

NOOOOO DFJKJDKFKJDF i really dont mind i forget things like, 15 mins after people tell me things anyway lol 😭😭😭

the way i can hear "what's 2 minus 1" in my head is so-

ALSO EXACTLY OH MY GOD????????????/ who said this is the fucking peak of my life 😭😭😭😭😭 i feel like a beached whale wtf also don't be sorry omg i love hearing ur thoughts <3 also love it when people start unleashing their inner hater teehee <3

NAURRRRRRRRRRRR every time u call him babu </3 it is SO cute to me </3 AND YES OMG, i didn't realize how good the insomnia series is until last week FDJKDFJJDKF hope he does not get bullied today <3 the only thing they can call him out on is his sugar daddy tendencies anyway FDKJDFJKFD AND I KNOW OH MY GOD 😐 jeonghan just always wins in life for no good reason i want to witness his downfall actually (affectionate). I LOOOOOOVED LAST WEEKS GOSE <3 one of the funniest goses this year for me tbh! i'm excited for this weeks ep <3 <3 <3

AND AWWWWWW THANK U 🥺🥺🥺🥺 i needed that bc i just finished a week of exams and have one more scheduled a few mins from now JKDFJKDJKF i hope u also have a v healing and sexie sexie week as well <3 <3 <3 MWAH

[shawnjacksonsbs]

Change or hold tight, and how? The most important question.     6-27-21

 “One time a thing occurred to me, What’s real and what’s for sale?” – Vaoline by Stone Temple Pilots

 I’m supposed to say believe what you want to believe, but inside I feel like. . .no, what you need to believe in is . . .love. And if you’re one of the haters, maybe even more so!

You just have to convince your conscious mind that your quality of life depends on it, because it is truly worth it, but don’t take my word for it. Do any research on the topic that you want and if the consensus isn’t within 95% aligned with what I tell you all constantly then leave it be.

What you believe doesn't have to quantify your love for the world, for others, or for your life.

But it should.

Love begets real love. If you are genuine and sincere in your distribution of that love, it will be felt by others, and returned to you from those who count. Those who count isn’t always up to you to decide either, but you’ll know. Your definition of those who count, could be different than those who actually count. And that's a whole 'nother level of. . . you'll know when you know.

Good thing for all of us, is that understanding can come at a later time. Acceptance of now and hope for the later understanding is all you need to proceed.

How many times must we say that we all know what is good, right, and kind? Only the truly deranged thinks lesser of a people for reasons out of that people's control! 4 exclamation points!!!! Period. 4 x Way full stop.

How then to proceed? With baby steps if you need, but leaps and bounds will work too. Its not dissimilar to the whole fake it ‘til you make it bit that can be heard in the halls of 12 step meetings. Tell yourself and others regularly that your life is amazing and beyond grateful for everyone and everything you have in your life, eventually it will hit right, and it won’t feel so inflated or askew.

It is truly possible to change your mind about your mind. Unless you have an actual chemical or physical disability, but even those with could try. Again, what have you truly got to lose?

Rewiring what feels to be hardwired just takes persistence and a little patience. What do you have to lose for real, at taking a chance with something so simple yet pure, at improving your overall quality of life???

The power of loving has no equal. The ability to, and/or the capacity for . . .just  . . .loving, is so powerful a tool that it can totally transform most everything negative to a positive no matter the length of time it takes. It can teach us things like gratitude and integrity. Yes, I said integrity. I mean let's face it, integrity is a learned behavior. There's nothing appealing, or even slightly enticing you to try it on, until you see just how good it looks on someone else.

The feels that come with knowing what true integrity is, is the best, yet it’s so hard to describe. It’s a definite hard sell without that someone having an open mind. And it came to me after I started showing the love, care, compassion, and empathy that I feel are my trademark go-to. People that know me, know that this is me, and it’s always me. Good luck trying to undermine me to my “those who count”. You’ll look like a joke.

I’ve made myself a quality of life that I don’t want to trade, and I know it makes me seem soft to some, but it is such a comfortable place to live once you get here.

My life is still not without hiccups, inside and outside of myself. But those isolated times no longer dictate my outcomes, especially in the long runs! My grand scheme of things is what I make it, not the other way around. Not anymore.

It does feel weird at times, like as a reader you must constantly feel like I am repeating much of what I say regularly, but it always feels reminiscent of who I truly am today, with slight growth spurts here and there. The reward for me is like 3-fold. I win when I write about how I win, I win when someone else catches on and starts winning, and when its time for me to move even further forward, well I’ve obviously won again. . . for which you will soon be privy to, when the following Sunday arrives.

I wish I could just give it away, but so much is already lost in translation. Plus, the work is how you arrive here, so . . .

~

A different day today than when I took the notes that came before this. Watching the movie 50/50 with Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Seth Rogan and I'm currently in the Friday before this weekend. Feeling some kind of selfish way about not working and having to cancel family things we had planned for the weekend because I got poison ivy and it needs to dry out, so it doesn't spread any further. It's pretty miserable. Lol no lol It's not going to last though, so there's that.

A little self-care goes a long way, but man falling short of work responsibilities and quality time with family still feels selfish-ish. It’s hard to explain.

Anyways, I'm not immune to feeling like I come up short from time to time, but it is far, far less than it ever used to be. Plus, training myself to not continue focusing on the negative feelings or remember them like negative feelings later, will mean that my overall quality of life is still living up to my own expectations. Not unrealistic any longer, just real and accepting.

I owe so much credit of what I've gained to so many others that even when I need down time it feels off to me.

I don’t know if that made sense or not, but I needed to add it in here.

Please remember to be kind, as often as humanly possible, and share your love and laughter with those who count in your world.

Until next time;

“I'm at war with the world ‘cause I

Ain't never gonna sell my soul” – Awake and Alive by Skillet

[itwas50yearsagotoday]

5/17/21:  It was 50 years ago today, May 17th, 1971, Paul McCartney and Linda McCartney (!) would release the album ‘Ram’.  Here’s another one of these records I feel like I should like more than I do... and certainly there are at least three show-stoppers here, mixed in with a lot of pleasant sounding semi-filler.  I am NOT a Paul hater, so don’tcha‘cuse me of that... and there are Paul haters out there... of course, this is simply the dead guy that replaced the real Paul in 1966... sounds like the ‘stop the steal’ folks.  Anyway, I like Paul’s solo stuff better than any of the other three, at least from a quantity perspective... so much output, and there are some good’uns found here.  This record opens with one of my favorite tunes of his ‘Too Many People’ which I’ve linked via Spotify... Paul attempting a bit of social critique here (maybe he was listening to ‘Plastic Ono Band?’... I do wonder what they thought of each other’s music... well I know what John thought, at least at first)... but even with the semi-depressing lyrics, it’s got a great hook, as do almost all of these songs.  I think that’s what it is about Paul, is that he’s so damn hooky that the little gems get lost among the big gems.  Like ‘Eat at Home’... not the best title, but man is that a catchy rocker... it sounds like fucking Badfinger (quite a turn of events!).  The second song ‘3 Legs’ starts like a spare country ditty (actually this sounds like it could have been on Plastic... excepting the lyrics of course), but then it ends with this off-putting coda... it really makes the song, actually.  Then you have his ode to (presumably) Linda and her long hair, ‘Long Haired Lady’... the song is basically two parts, with the slow chorus juxtaposing against the boppy verses... it’s great!  And it’s even got this totally different jam/coda at the end, Hey Jude style... I like it a lot, and even Linda gets a chance to sing (co-lead).  Of course, let’s not forget the BIG song here, and that is the multi-part suite ‘Uncle Albert / Admiral Halsey’ that was incredibly a #1 hit in the U.S... I’ll get to that in a few months in its own entry.  Another initially Badfinger-y joint is the final track on the original record ‘The Back Seat of My Car’, although once those horns kick in it definitely become a bit of a throwback to Pepper days (not even FOUR years ago, dear reader).  ‘Dear Boy’ is kind of slight but again pleasant little rocker... same goes for ‘Smile Away’... it’s truly difficult to dislike this stuff, and it can really get under your skin too... I’ll have ‘Long Haired Lady’ in my head for the next several days now.  ‘Monkberry Moon Delight’ is a screamer from Paul... I love the melancholy guitar hook all through... I can’t tell if this song is HARD or not... excepting his crazy voice here, it is also pretty close to Pepper times, or at least the MM Tour.  It’s not my favorite here, but it is pretty unique, and I recommend listening to it, as I do this whole record.  Finally, the bonus CD carries the contemporary single from the era ‘Another Day’ which is actually Paul’s first solo hit to chart in the states, peaking at #5... I really think this is by inertia alone, as the song is pretty okay-ish, not nearly as good as most of the material on this record.  The b-side was ‘Oh Woman, Oh Why’, also included, and I think maybe better than the a-side.  Anyway, all-in-all this is a pretty solid record, and can be (mostly) favorably compared to Lennon and Harrison’s recent whoppers.  Funny, I started off this review kinda iffy on this record, but it hooked me over just three review listens.  Also, the album cover somehow looks very 1990s and I can’t figure out why.  Get it.

[jeffatk1ns]

Mutual Destruction - Jeff Atkins x Reader // Part One

ManEater!(fem)reader and Womaniser!Jeff (lemme know if this is good enough to carry on, I'm planning for it to have multiple parts)

Part Two

Playlist (optional):

Muse - OCAD

Are You Gonna Be My Girl - Jet

If there was one thing she loved, it was a good challenge. Montgomery De La Cruz was a BIG challenge. Huge. Thriving jock and pretty well known with the ladies, she'd had her eye on the boy for a while, wondering what flavour girl baseball players were into.

Helmet down by his side, he ruffled through his hair as he leaned against the batting cages taking a breather. Yum. He was well built, and his cheekbones were so sharp they would slice her if she wasn't careful.

However, Y/N wasn't a feelings kinda gal, and word on the street had it that Monty was a feelings kinda guy, beneath the hotheaded jock exterior.

It was a hot summers day, and Y/N was certainly feeling hot right now. She sucked on her necklace, it was a nervous habit of hers. She was sat in the bleachers, arms out behind her, soaking up the sun. Today, she had a free period, and although there was initial intent to study, it had all gone out the window the second she had seen that cute little baseball outfit that fit Monty oh-so-well.

Although he was in her social circles, and they had the occasional conversation, she didn't know Monty too well. She'd witnessed a fair few fights between the boy and people who'd got on his nerves, and wondered if his temper translated elsewhere, too.

She watched as Cruz leaned his foot up behind him, and his wandering eyes found her. She smiled mischievously, and began to make her way over to him.

The net created a barrier between the two of them. Monty turned as he saw Y/N approaching.

"L/N," he announced, holding his helmet in both hands. "What gives me the pleasure?"

"I'm a little bored over there, and you looked like you were taking a break, so I thought, I'll go talk to him." She smirked, lacing her fingers through the netting. The boy smirked in response.

"Well, you don't have long, I should be back soon-ish," he teased. "I was wondering, we've known each other years, right? So how come we never went out?" She raised her sculpted eyebrow.

Monty chuckled. "You've always been too busy with other guys, Y/N."

"That's not true. You've just never had the balls to ask me out." She joked.

"I have, L/N, multiple times. You've always turned me down." He looked sincere.

"I'm starting to see that was a mistake." She fiddled with the netting, keeping her eyes on Monty.

"CRUZ, BACK ON PLAY!" Jeff Atkins called to the boy in front of her.

"I'll see you round, Cruz." She walked backwards, loosely waving her fingers at him, before collecting her things and deciding the library would be best to study.

"Damn man, timing." Monty was pissed at Jeff.

"You'll get no where with that one anyway, I did you a favour," Jeff said as he raised his bat to the ball coming toward him. Monty stuffed his helmet back onto his head.

"How would you know? She was into me, man." Monty argued.

Jeff raised his eyebrows. "No, she wasn't. She does that with everyone."

"Shut up, Jeff, you wouldn't know what you're talking about. You do that with everyone." Monty hit the incoming ball with excessive force.

"Exactly."

"You're stupid."

Jeff chuckled. "Whatever you say, man, don't cry to me when she chews you up and spits you out."

"You talking about Y/N L/N?" Bryce Walker swaggered up to the batting cages, swinging his bat around.

"She was flirting with me real hard." Monty smirked at Bryce.

"I agree with Jeff, don't go near her. Major whore." He spat.

"That's not what i meant, Bryce. I just meant that she's not the girl for our delicate little Monty." Jeff was Bryce's #1 hater. He was just a huge asshole and Jeff didn't roll with that.

"But she is a slut. I can't believe you'd even try to go there, Cruz." He chuckled to himself.

"Shut the fuck up, Bryce, she can do what she wants." Jeff tried to drown out his sickly voice by concentrating 100% on hitting the balls coming his way, maybe pretending they were Bryce's head.

----

Y/N shoved her books into her locker, she'd done enough work for the day. From nowhere, she could sense a presence that made her more than slightly uneasy. Chills climbed up her bones, a feeling she recognised oh so well, anytime he was near. Turning, her suspicions were confirmed. Zach Dempsey. The boy who had blown her heart out of her chest and ripped it into so many pieces she could no longer feel it. Not even all the walls she'd put up since could stop the wound stinging each and every time she saw his face, or heard his voice. It was a struggle to see the blindingly adorable smile plastered to his face and not feel something. He had made her who she was today, whether that was a good thing, or a bad thing.

From the corner of her eye, she watched as he joked around with his friends, clearly so unaffected by her proximity. There was no need for her to torture herself like this.

"Hey, Y/N." Montgomery had come up behind her and leant against the lockers, whilst she had been in deep in her thoughts.

"You're back?" Her usual confident charisma returned to her as though there had been no slip in the first place. She smirked at the boy, closing her locker and mimicking his actions.

"Looks like I am. So, i have a question?" Monty was nervous, she could tell.

"Shoot."

"How do you feel about Rosie's?" He rubbed the back of his neck.

"They do pretty awesome milkshakes," she replied coolly.

"How do you feel about going with me? Tonight maybe, 7ish?" proposed Monty, coughing slightly.

She grinned cheekily. "I might turn up, I'll see how I'm feeling."

-----

"Y/N, can I have a word with you?" Mrs Reed, the psychology teacher, stopped her as she was leaving.

"Uh, yeah, what is it?" Y/N asked.

"As much as you like to hide at the back and pretend you know nothing, you do have the highest grades in the class," Mrs Reed began.

"I know, I'm sorry," apologised Y/N.

"Don't be, but I would like you to do me a favour. How do you feel about tutoring?" she asked.

"In psychology?" Y/N was baffled.

"Well, yes."

"I suppose I wouldn't be opposed to it, it would probably help me study." Despite hating to admit to it, Y/N was top of most of her classes, and worked very hard for her grades.

"I have suggested to Mr Jeff Atkins that you may tutor him in psychology."

"Jeff? He needs tutoring?" This shocked her. Jeff Atkins was a baseball champion, and one of the most popular guys at school. They were acquainted with each other.

"I believe so, if he wants a baseball scholarship to colleges next year, he will need at least a C."

"What's he on right now?"

"Anything below a C."

"But how? Psychology is simple-"

"Not to everyone, Miss L/N."

"Right, sorry."

"Do Monday lunchtimes and after school Wednesday's work for you? You will get extra credit if you decide to do this." Her eyes scorched Y/N. She was clearly determined to help Jeff out.

"Yeah that works. Thank you, Mrs Reed." Y/N smiled before leaving the classroom.

How on earth was she going to tutor Jeff Atkins in psychology?

[avaliveradio]

 Behind The Music with Kayt Ounce on Never Love Again

Jacqueline Jax speaks with Kayt Ounce about music, purpose and her new single 'Never Love Again'.

“Still sorting out my own life and problems which I've got lots of.  I'm not ready for that kind of step-and relationships can really only go one of two ways, y'all ether eventually break up or get married- well if you're not ready to marry why try to love at all. “

https://anchor.fm/ava-live-radio/episodes/Behind-The-Music-with-Kayt-Ounce-on-Never-Love-Again-ea4mnh

Band Name: Kayt Ounce Kaitertot KaytG Kait the Great

Song name: Never Love Again

Music Genre:: R&b, hiphop, I guess you can say.

I live in... : Washington! So green, so greatful. Pnw vibes for sure.

Link to play:: https://youtu.be/KoigaXBDnuI

This song is about well, love obviously. Love that I wasn't ready for. Still sorting out my own life and problems which I've got lots of. Hints to the lyrics; you know that I'm unsteady, my life is way too fuckin messy. I really didn't need to add that to the mix. And honestly, if I'm not ready for that kind of step-and relationships can really only go one of two ways, y'all ether eventually break up or get married- well if you're not ready to marry why try to love at all. Hints the name Never Love Again. But that's exaggerated, probably just the next 5, 6, maybe 7 years. Haha 😄💔🤘

I'd describe my music… like r&b, hip-hop, mainstream-ish and catchy. What I'm tryna do with my voice is to promote positivity and love, and awareness of the power of our minds, manifestation, believing in yourself and so on. I'm a motivational/inspirational lyricist. I want to inspire and motivate others !! I feel like artists are major influencers and we need more of them who use the platform they have to influence their audience, the next generation, in shit that actually matters. What drives me and inspires me to make music is the fact it's what I love doing most. It's the one thing I truly never get tired of and I love writing everything down. It's how I get through and over things. So to take what I'm going through and not just write about it, but create a project I can share with others that people can feel and relate too... Now that's magic. Music is my expression. My all-time favorite way of expressing myself. Music is what made me and it was also the very thing to save me. I mean I quit drugs for other reasons but music is why I didn't go back. And it is definitely the reason I quit cigarettes.

How do you think this release represents your current direction.. This song, Never Love Again, I worked on with my producer Ghost, it's definitely within the style and genre of music that I'd like to put out. Honestly, this was the first singing song I ever recorded and I actually wrote that song to a totally different beat, but when I was at Ghosts studio for my first time, he played that beat and I just felt it.! I was like I have a song that will go with this! And I didn't even practice, just went in and winged it. Then when I first heard it finished, mixed and mastered... I didn't like it too much at first even tho my friend's producer loved it but you are your own worst critic. So I started trying to redo it and mess with it and add things and there's honestly like 73 different versions of this song now lmaoo, and we lost the only redo I liked!! I then decided to just stick to the original. I really could have released that song and done this interview forever ago !(x oh myyy.

What most inspires you? My favorite instrument is my voice and myself because I don't play an instrument but I do sing and dance. It's just what I've been doing since I could walk and talk. When a song that I know is playing I can't help but sing along. And if the beat is groovin I am movin. Lmao I was always that one friend who would try and get everyone to learn a dance routine and record it or record ourselves singing covers. I auditioned for all the school play solos, scoped out every talent show, open mic and karaoke night in my town. Until I gained stage fright. When I got a little older I had my first few haters. Then when suddenly I was in middle school we had these solos in choir each Friday, I would try to do them and just couldn't. My heart would pound ridiculously hard and my voice would be all shakey, I had no control. All of a sudden I cared what people thought. All of a sudden I was self-conscious. I started realizing I needed more "practical" and "realistic" goals anyways, so people told me. I had some.

Cosmetology, yogi instructor, flight attendant. But none of those things are what I am in love with doing. Like how I am with writing, music, dancing, and singing. And I want to be in love with what I am doing every day as a living. So for a couple of years, I was distracted. But once upon a time, I was working fast food and this lil old lady heard me singing and told me singing means your content. And she isn't wrong when you sing you actually produce serotonin. That's when it started again. I was freestyling with some homies around that same time and they asked if I wrote, I said I used to.

They told me to start writing again. I wrote a song and it was game over from there. I kept writing more and showing as many people as I could, killing my stage fright one song at a time... Music makes me content. And as a person, you can do the most and make the most difference when you are content. So that is just exactly how I'm tryna to be and why.

The music business...

 And I quote "When you stop caring what they think, you're ready". What do I think about being a musician today.? Hmm.. Well, I am in love. I am so blessed to be born in this day and age where opportunity is a given. With how technology and the internet have bloomed anyone can do anything and people are so accepting these days too. I'm white and a girl and I rap. I like wordplay and poetry, that's honestly what I started with. I started writing poetry, rap comebacks, rap songs, and then my singing songs.

Website & social media links: Instagram: @iamkaytg Facebook: Kayt Ounce

[yamlog]

12 oct 2019 (i have decided that in my remaining time i might as well just be all Dear Diary-ish and the lack of date/time in the formatting is quite alsdkfj. anyway, so here goes:)

dear diary (?)

i calmly explained my thoughts and my decision to a friend who’s been through similar struggles and for the first time there was no pushback, no ‘why are you so stupid’ or ‘why are you so dramatic’ or ‘why can’t you see the bigger picture’ or ‘i’m going to call your housephone and speak to your parents’, all of which don’t really help. the only thing she tried to do was extend the deadline from the dec of my 28th birthday till my 29th birthday, which i acceded to. there was the ‘uhh but 2.5 years is really short arh it’ll go by like nothing’, but other than that remark there was no judgement and no protesting or disapproval. and it soothed me, i guess, to be heard and accepted and not told that i’m doing something wrong. and i felt less alone, and just a tiny bit more understood. 

i told her about the book i was reading, and the injustices of a school system that failed a child who sought help. i think it takes a certain bravery to seek help. i don’t have it in me. i want to do this on my own, not because i am brave but because i am afraid and tired. i’m tired of feeling anything at all, especially of having feelings for someone i really really really really wish i didn’t have feelings for anymore. i want to turn it off like a tap but i just can’t, and nothing i do or he does can change it. he could become a serial killer or a woman-hater and i would still find myself unable to stop loving him. i think there’s something lodged in my brain that makes me unable to reason and rationalise my way out of attachment and emotions. nothing. i. do. works. i am tired of feeling erased - like the story he removed from his highlight - and discarded. and i am tired of feeling like everything is out of my control. i don’t think talking about it to an adult (as if i weren’t one) is going to fix my feelings. i don’t want to take pills and rely on them. i don’t believe that i won’t be reliant on them long-term, no matter what MR says. i just don’t believe it. if a tree can’t bear fruit because something is wrong at the genetic level, no amount of high-grade fertiliser is going to make it. 

and since i set the deadline, things have started to sharpen into focus. i have a list of affairs to settle, and things i want to do/ get done before i expire. 

the first being, i want to use the camera more, the crazily expensive vintage camera MR saved up really long for to buy me, which he then put in a wooden box with a coating and locks that he installed himself. it was a testament to how crazy teenage love can be, and i have done similar things in my time. but this is the best instance of me being at the receiving end. i took out the camera today, dusted it off, and loaded in a fresh roll of ISO800 film. i took a few shots downstairs when i sent my friend off. it feels good to hear that crispy click. it’s reassurance that the photo will come out right, that the settings were correct, that i didn’t mess up. i’ll take more especially when i am overseas, visiting my cousin. because it might be the last time i see her, if i don’t get a chance to visit again by my 29th birthday. it’s going to be winter time, and i can already recall how painful my fingers felt as they’re out in the cold fumbling with the even colder metal gears and knobs. i have also decided that once i can, i will sit down in my room and post everything that i’ve taken so far. i want there to be a clear demarcation between then and now. the photos that i have taken in the past, when i was happy and content, they Cannot and Will Not be mixed with the ones i have started taking today. there must be a line between pre-decision and post-decision, pre-break and post-break. it feels wrong and messy and unacceptable otherwise. there must be a line. i’ll get to it.

aside from this, i haven’t decided what else to sort out. i thought that maybe i should write those stories ive been dreaming up, the wacky ones that take place in singapore. ghost stories too. but try as i might, i can’t figure out a resolution. i feel like i should have the whole storyline in my head before i even start writing, so i can work towards an end. but i’ve also read somewhere that sometimes it’s better to let the story write itself. just start writing it, and then go with the flow. my fear is that i won’t be able to reach an end, and i’ll just keep going and going and going as the story grows and expands beyond my control. i guess i really fear losing control now. it’s just too much risk that i’m no longer willing to take. i guess i’m damaged, irreversibly. 

i want to make small zines and give them to my friends. i made one during invigilation, as part of inktober for my drawing twt acc. it’s made of scrap materials and i manually snapped a rubberband in half so i could use it to bind the scrap paper i poked holes in with my only pen at the time. we can’t really bring stuff to invigilation so i had to make do with existing trash on the table. 

--

hearing horror stories about teachers getting in trouble because of what they post on social media. ive been open about attending p*nkd*t and now i’m not sure if someone could dredge up a photo of me at the park from 4 years ago and use it to justify my unsuitability for the job. it really is a nightmare. and im not one to be paranoid, but i think i should be. 

long, long day tomorrow. my legs are battered and bruised all over and tomorrow it’s go time again. 

i tidied up some things i’ve collected in my bag - pieces of things from small gifts from friends that i had saved to stick into my journal. i arranged them on the page and stuck them down, it took about 3 minutes. as i worked, my friend said that she could never do that. do what? i asked. make things look nice so effortlessly, she said. she said she tried to bujo for six months but nothing she did turned out looking nice. it ties in with her drawing style. she said she wanted to participate in inktober, but she hates having to go over pencil with a pen, but at the same time she cannot bring herself to just draw with pen first. i’m not like that, i guess. i just draw with pen without hesitation, the same way i write or tape things down in my journal. it’s not bravery, it’s recklessness, i think. i recklessly commit all the time. i don’t think ‘what if i fuck up? what if i stick wrong and in the process of trying to remove it i end up tearing the paper?’ i don’t think, i just go. and if i make any mistakes i just work around it. draw over it, stick something over it, extend the line into a box or a part of a doodle. i’m meticulous when it  comes to some things, but completely not when it comes to creative expression. or with love either. i don’t backtrack, and i don’t think ‘what if i fuck up’ i just Go and give my 100% and love whatever’s there. i don’t think my approach is wrong. i think i need to look before i leap, but still leap. some things are fundamental to me.

my memory’s really bad today. my friend said it’s the shock and grief and crying, it affects your ability to retain information or remember things. even when im trying to remember what ia te for lunch just 10 hours ago, i have to struggle to remember. i ate downstairs. chicken rice, for the first time in ages. it was hard, taking that first bite, and i couldn’t finish half of my plate because i just felt so sick with grief my stomach protested when i tried to scrap up another spoon of rice. i made myself finish the soup. i think i’m still running a fever. it’s just the impact. i’ll be wobbly and insubstantial like a spirit for awhile. then i’ll come back, and solidify, i hope.