#anyway. a cleanse for the homies

[metacrisisdoctor]

DOCTOR & ROSE | EXTENDED JOURNEY'S END KISS

[4kadhd]

I used to treat drinking water like how I treated the color pink, now I know better🙏

[botanicallyinclinednerd]

The Umbrella Academy season 4 episode 4

I have been excited to see this since season 1, oh my god, FINALLY gonna see how Ben died

Oh my god, Allison trying to drag Klaus out of the bathtub and FAILING (she could have rumored him but I appreciate that she didnt/tried other avenues first)

The fact Ben didn't want to go. Do you think that haunted Luther? That if he hadn't said anything, maybe Ben would still be alive? (Hargreeves would have noticed and forced him to come anyway, but survivors guilt is a hell of a thing)

All my homies hate Hargreeves

Love that Pogo is their poilet

He opened it, that's why. And he finds Jennifer

Hes gonna touch her and go boom

OH MY GOD

HOLY FUCK

ALL MY HOMIES DESPISE REGINALD HARGREEVES, HOLY FUCK

HE KILLED BEN

Oh my god, and Ben never would have known, he was shot from behind, in the head, he died instantly

They should kill him, slowly

Oh I knew she was too "normal" can't trust that on this show

ALLISON I LOVE YOU YES BEAT UP THE OLD MAN

They won't let him take their brother from them again, regardless that this is not the Ben they grew up with, they won't lose him again (they might anyway, along with everything else)

Rip him apart Viktor, fucking GET his ass

They love him. Ben. They love him because of their Ben, I think is a big part of it, but over the past 6 years, I believe it's become more than that. He's become their Ben too. Different, from the first one, but still *Ben*. And when they look at him, that love is there for both versions of him. And they will not lose him again. Certainly not like this

The freaking transition from THAT realization to Klaus being a medium is really fucking funny

Klaus doesn't know... unless he does, somehow, remember due to all the drugs and alcohol, and just never said anything cause he assumed the others knew too... hm

Oh. So uh. Was Ben a haunting, then? 16 years by his side feels like a haunting to me

PFFFTTT

This did remind me I have peaches in my fridge, dunno if they are from Georgia though

This is very uncomfy!

Nah, just Ben did that, and I do, for one, peg this version of him to have no problem killing some bitches if he deems it necessary

Would love for them to save OG Ben! But also I think that's a bad idea, and it won't work.

Luther and Diego are so funny together

Cause they're family babe, and thats what they do

The fact they they don't know who this is somehow makes me trust him even less, cause I don't know what he actually wants. I KNOW what Jean and Gene want, but him? I had assumed he was working with them to Jumpstart the Cleanse, but they don't know who he is. Which means he somehow knew that she had an opposite particle in her and touching one of the Umbrellas would mean the end of the world. So how does he know that? And why does he, specifically, want that to happen?

The fact that they are perfectly mirroring each other rn

"Those people aren't my family. My family died a long time ago." Is that so? Well. They see you as their brother. And they are not giving up on you

Certainly SOUNDS like fate

Heh. Six

Is the announcer voice the Handler? It sounds like her

Oh is that why he was digging up a grave in the trailer?

No, this is different. Allison was dragging him out of the tub in the original time line. Where's Allison

Buried alive? 👀

Oh honey :(

They drove each other nuts but they love each other

UHHHHHHHHHH

[us-the-voices-and-more-voices-2]

happy not celebrating Australia Day

(to the Australians)

Yeah, why the fuck won’t they move the day :(

I actually do not hate my country lol, I just wish Australia Day wasn’t literally a symbol of the start of the 100+ year long genocide fr.

like come on, we have been saying this for the last 200+ years when will we get it moved.

literally 1 or 2 days or even like ANY OTHER DAY, like come onnnnnn.

(Yeah sorry non-Australian moots who are confused, real quick horrible overview. Australia is like 5 times racist (motherfucking racist to the Irish/Scottish that’s how racist) anyway when the colonial empire of England was like “Ello, time to start taking over this place for the king!” And literally started a 100+ year genocide against aboriginal Australians, some highlights include! The massacres and genocide of the people of Tasmania, the literal serial kidnapping and displacement of THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS OF CHILDREN, intense extremely intense violence and racism, the ethnic cleansing and eugenics, desecration of holy lands and other crimes, and uh the insane amount of torture??? just anything you can think of? Probably was done. Plus the children stealing only “ended” like 30ish years ago barely. Yeah no it’s fucking horrifying. And I don’t even know that much.)

so like a good percentage is against Australia Day lol, I haven’t celebrated it actually ever.

like if they just changed the fucking day, no one would care anymore but hey! They don’t!

Anyway time to reflect and probably cry everyone, fuck genocide all my homies hate genocide.

shout out to everyone who’s not celebrating, slowly we are wearing the government down let’s go!

[gravehags]

so my old place of employment was in a renovated old hospital in SF so lots of the offices/spaces were previously medical rooms etc. the basement of the building contained the old operating rooms (fun fact: my grandma got her hysterectomy there in the 1960s lmao), now used as storage, and security guards would report seeing apparitions of people in white coats and nurses uniforms. one security guard up and quit after she had an experience. anyway our office was this windowless concrete bunker that used to be…the morgue. it had fucking foul energy. i’ll be real almost every place in that building had horrible energy (especially the upper floors where patient rooms had been converted into offices.) anyway one day i was working at my computer which meant i had my back turned to the entrance of my cubicle. all of a sudden i felt a hand wrap around my shoulder - could feel the indentations of the fingers and everything - and i spun around like lightning ready to bitch out whoever touched me but…there was no one there. i got up and looked around and no one was walking around in the office. after that i would hear my name whispered into my ear, usually when i was in the kitchen space. the energy got so bad in the office my coworker did a smoke cleansing, more than once. then after this my old coworker homie ben grabs me one day and says “you need to see this” and he took me out into the underground parking garage to some crusty old storage room - inside, one wall was packed with pathology files and boxes and boxes of old glass specimen slides and we were both like bro what…the fuck is going on here. obviously all the patients who had files were long dead but we were like ummm are these slides a biohazard? and we had to contact the hq of our company to come get them removed. wild shit. don’t even get me started on the completely abandoned 2nd floor of the building that you could only get to if you had a key to it for the elevator. cursed ass place lmao.

guys wanna hear a ghost story from my former job

[theasstour]

didn't lizzo get criticized for promoting juice cleanses like a week ago? i remember seeing a headline about it, or it could've been somebody else who promoted it idk, i'm a bit out of the loop

Yeah, I saw something about that and her saying “big girls do whatever you want with your bodies” and like true, but don’t promote unhealthy, temporary, and damaging ways of losing weight ???

[commander-gloryforge]

tell me about junko and rhea!! I’m curious about them :> (@legendary-alliance-stance)

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ASKING !!! this is what i’ve been waiting for. pulls out whiteboard with nonesense mathematical equations and bad drawings of a cat.

Nakayama Junko is the youngest child of a large rich family of canthan descent living in Divinity’s Reach. though the Nakayama family isn’t noble or anything, it’s a family of merchants and traders that have earned quite the wealth and good reputation among the higher circles of DR. Junko is a musical protege, whatever instrument they touch, they’re somehow able to play it just flawlessly.

Rhea is Ash Legion, though she’s never been the quiet and sneaky type. i’m not yet sure whether or not she even joined a warband in the first place, but nowadays she’s a gladium. for the longest time she was just a travelling musician, singing in the streets of Lion’s Arch, Hoelbrak, the Grove. that’s where she got her name, “Hauntingvoice”! She’s also a spirit medium, and while most people can see ghosts anyways, Rhea has quite the special connection to the mists and to lost souls and spirits that perhaps not everyone can see.

Junko and Rhea met during a concert, perhaps Metal Legion? :D Rhea, the more sociable of the two, approached Junko, maybe because they just looked overall gorgeous and Rhea wanted to shoot her shot, or maybe it was because of the spirits of dead legends of canthan history talking to Junko. Rhea’s medium powers also extend to being able to hear revenant legends voices- so that leads to fun conversations I guess…!

So, Junko and Rhea quickly become friends and bond through their love of music, Junko mastering every instrument ever and Rhea having a voice that can even mesmerise ghosts- as the two also have a generally similar music taste, they decide to create a band together! So the super cool emo rock duo “HolyHaunt” was born. the two are now best friend platonic besties :) They’re best friends btw :) Homies one might say.

Right so Rhea is violently in love with Junko. It started out as admiration, a starry eyed crush at this super cool person that can do music and has zero flaws and fears, and admiration turned into genuine strong feelings as the two grew closer together, and Rhea learned those flaws of Junko and made her fall even deeper. Junko themselves doesn’t know much about that crush at all and is painfully oblivious to it. Right now, they see Rhea as nothing but a very very close friend, but things might change as they grow.

Currently, the two are planning to go on a “world tour” even though they have maybe like four people that actively listen to their music, and two of these four are the arguing dead people in Junkos head. their world tour not only includes playing music but also helping people around Tyria fight whatever threats they’re facing at the moment. and during one of their tour stops, they meet a particular salad that is a great musician and also happens to be a cowboy, which is pretty fucking cool, so the two try to scout him for Holyhaunt- that’s a story for another day maybe. Or a story for today, however the salad still needs some work so not sure if i can really talk about them that much.

Rheas ability to communicate with spirits as well as cleanse cursed places and Junkos ability to fucking smash peoples heads with their guitar while having two gay ghosts whisper into their ear have helped the two gain quite the recognition around Tyria, though they’re now more known for their “heroic deeds” as “brave adventures” and not as super sick musician. which is a bit disappointing for them. it’s always “thank you for helping us defend our helpless village from centaurs” but never “by the gods it’s tyrian rock band HolyHaunt!” but the two will make it as musician. they will! they will.

also super important side info but Junko has a puppy called Duke. It’s very important to note!!! Duke is very small and I’m not yet sure what kind of dog he is but he’s very fluffy and chaotic and has zoomies constantly. he has very large sad puppy eyes but he could never be sad because his owners are very nice to him <3 he also frequently bites the salad cowboy because they taste like fish.

:]

idk if i should add a cut to this but i may do it later on my laptop so sorry for the semi long post!! ,,, anyways THANK YOU FOR ASKING ABOUT MY EMO LESBIANS ! i have things to say about them most certainly

[halfeatenass]

the way that there's only two people on this godforsaken website who know who joywave is. it took me 20 seconds to get through all the posts about cleanse. anyway shoutout goodbyetommyy and prayforthereboot my two homies

[tarantulas4davey]

This isn't really Javid so I'm sending this to you and not Jac but football au where Race and Albert make it a tradition to get ice cream after each game. That's the whole ask

I ALSO HAVE A FOOTBALL AU SO BESTIE I CAN CONFIRM

most of the time the team goes to some sort of diner thing. get food cause Sport Burn Calorie yk. but even if they do that al and race will go and them be like “ok sorry homies we gotta go” and not tell anyone they’re getting ice cream cause it’s Their Thing. also cause albert loves his sport but he can only talk about football for so long before he needs to cleanse his brain with Nerd Talk about spiderman or something

also cause i think about them way too much i think that race gets strawberry ice cream and albert gets rocky road and then they both just eat out of both lil bowls cause they’re Indecisive and Adorable

anyway. Them 💓💘💝💕💞💗

and because they’re mentioned the jac in question is @we-are-inevitable mwah love you

[hotdemonsummer]

I'm so glad I came across your blog and saw the posts on DT, usually when I read HCs or fics I go for like angst or fluff or generally just stuff that doesn't really have to do with MCs personal life so I never noticed their all around homophobic behavior until now.

Kinda wish I ran across your blog before I reblogged and liked a bunch of their posts, cuz now I'm gonna have to cleanse my blog.

As someone who's best friend is both asexual and a lesbian I'm actually really disappointed in myself for not noticing that behavior earlier, but there's not much I can do about that now other than purging my blog and trying to look out for that kind of stuff in the future.

You don't have to answer this btw, I just wanted to thank you ❤ have a nice day homie.

oh no problem bestie. honestly if u wanna clear out ur blog thats ur prerogative but its important to remember not to listen too closely to capitalist consumption practices that tell you the pinnacle of moral display is whatever can be attributed to the personal blog you cultivate with an online media presence anyways have a good day 2

[viciousvisxge]

Gangsta’s Paradise

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I take a look at my life and realize there’s nothin’ left

This life he lead took a toll, there was no denying. Though most believed it was the kind that blindsided you, Rodolphus knew full well what would happen when he stood at the edge of this path. Looking back, he could see the forest through the trees even then. It wasn’t a blind decision, especially given the young boy who so idolized him, who looked up to him for all he was worth.

No, he knew that walking this path meant he was signing Rabastan up to the same fate and he chose it anyway, because it was the right thing to do. They had signed up to a better world and it was up to the Rebellion to cleanse the earth of petulant peasants. It was an honour he’d so graciously accepted. Though the price was greater than he’d originally anticipated, he’d happily pay it again.

Except for Bella.

Her mind, becoming lost to the influence of the dark mark, of their great lord, was the one thing he hadn’t counted on and the one thing he wasn’t entirely sure he could stand to lose. If he couldn’t find a way to help her, he feared what might happen…

‘Cause I’ve been blasting and laughing so long, That even my mama thinks that my mind is gone

There was no turning back now, however. He was in too deep, too far up in the hierarchy to change his mind or attempt to stop the wheels from turning. Not that he could, they’d already gained so much momentum slamming into a concrete wall still would not be sufficient enough to act as brakes.

The lit cigarette was pulled from his lips between two fingers and the puff of smoke shot out into the empty space before him as he tracked his prey. Could you really call a tied man, left at your mercy prey? It seemed a little too easy for the predator, but no matter. “Tell me, Mr. Travers. Are you ready to comply?”

The question had already been posed to the man once before, after many a mishaps from the family when Rodolphus had been asked to re-align his best interests to be with the Rebellion once more.

You better watch how you’re talking and where you’re walking Or you and your homies might be lined in chalk

He was a whimpering mess, sitting there wide eyed, white knuckling the arm rests of the chair he was bound too. It was fucking pathetic. “What happened to the great Death Eater that so many had feared? What happened to the loyal servant who so willingly obliged his masters orders? What have you become, Mr. Travers?”

Rodolphus moved forward, finding himself growing tired of the cigarette he ground the nub against the flesh covering Travers hand, extinguishing it’s flame as screams filled the room. Though boredom was the only thing showing on his expression, his heart was filled with a kind of glee he rarely experienced in a mundane life.

Putting people in place was what he was good at, what he lived for. “It seems the first message was not enough for you,” his cool tone dripped with icy venom. He leaned in, bending at the waist, supporting his weight with two hands planted atop Traver’s own bound ones, the grunt at the pressure on a fresh burn caused Rodolphus’ lip to lift in a sneer…  ❝ You should have walked away when you had the chance ❞

[prophezeiung]

the raven cycle

send me a fandom and i’ll tell you... ( accepting )

the first character i ever fell in love with: my main boy adam parrish.... on every reread since i have realized that he is a lil yikes in the beginning and loses his rights more than once but 17yo me said Ya Me Too every time adam did smt stupid... i am glad we both grew as people tho dkfkjfg

a character that i used to love/like, but now do not: hmmm there only person that comes to mind is the gray man and i used to start off neutral towards him... like he’s a good character and antagonist and i respect him, but i’ve come to realize that his plot and the message it sends is just messed up...

a ship that i used to love/like, but now do not: blue and adam for obvious reasons, their bond is precious to me but nah that wasn’t it

my ultimate favorite character™: joseph kavinsky........ i straight up forgot how much i loved him and then i reread and it hit me all at once... now all i live dream breathe kavinsky it’s really not cute anymore... luna stop projecting on extremely terrible characters challenge but i fail every time..... also ronan lynch and adam parrish obviously

prettiest character: persephone in my head is just.... chef’s kiss..... also adam is straight up a work of art... beautiful man.... and last but not least piper greenmantle... i am so in love with her it hurts op she is straight up HOT

my most hated character: mr :) gray :) i’m sorry i blame this mostly on magpie and how she treats him esp in the context of who-deserves-redemption but yo it straight up sucks all my homies hate the gray man ... niall lynch is also a terrible fucking man i hate him too... also OFC barrington whelk but he is so pathetic and shitty i can’t even waste my energy on hating him you feel me

my OTP: ....... prokovinsky i hope that’s allowed...... also sarchengsey idc what y’all say they are meant to be <3 <3 <3 and pynch ofc !!!!! also? i blame @treppenwitzz​ and @zukunftsvision​? but pynchvinsky is so spicy and i think so much about it, especially with the persephone passage y’all pointed out about the instability of two... the entire series has been about 3s i think both sarchengsey and pynchvinsky are very appropriate

my NOTP: maura and the gr*y m*n pls maura make good choices !!!!!!

favorite episode chapter/scene: the entirety of tdt plays on a loop in my head but if i had to pick it’d be the one where blue and noah kiss, the one where ronan dreams of adam and k, the one where ronan dreams the camaro and i am fuckin crying thinking abt it lol...... honorable mention tho to the lamp moment it’s so fucking iconic

saddest death: definitely not kavinksy kavinsky didn’t die???? so it’s gotta be noah if that counts or someone else i can’t tell u bc spoilers :/

favorite season book: the dream thieves oh my god so much is revealed and the ronan povs are everything !!!! also kavinsky obviously. trk is up there too if only for henry cheng and that ending baby

least favorite season book: hmmmmm tdt too for all the gray man chapters and that ending

character that everyone else in the fandom loves, but i hate: i?? don’t know?? i think my opinions are p in line with the fandom i don’t hate that many characters, maybe the fandom is a lil too lenient on the gray man for my taste but that’s it?

my ‘you’re piece of trash, but you’re still a fave’ fave: all of the main boys op lmao ronan and gansey and even adam are so annoying and stupid but i love them with my everything. also maybe greenmantle ugh he is such an asshole bad person but he is FUN to me !!!! anyway if u want the obvious answer tho it’s kavinsky, who else

my ‘beautiful cinnamon roll who deserves better than this’ fave: noah czerny... my boy.... we deserved so much more noah so i am so grateful to everyone who writes him... same goes for henry i am mad and upset we didn’t get 4 books of henry’s glory but u know what imma fix that

my ‘this ship is wrong, nasty, and makes me want to cleanse my soul, but i still love it’ ship: any ship involving k is just wrong and bad but especially if it involves declan or noah or gansey. terrible but honestly i would not say no.

my ‘they’re kind of cute, and i lowkey ship them, but i’m not too invested’ ship: bluesey without henry... adansey.... ronan and noah idk what the ship name is but it’s prob ridiculous....  yeah..

[viciousvisage]

Gangsta’s Paradise

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I take a look at my life and realize there’s nothin’ left

This life he lead took a toll, there was no denying. Though most believed it was the kind that blindsided you, Rodolphus knew full well what would happen when he stood at the edge of this path. Looking back, he could see the forest through the trees even then. It wasn’t a blind decision, especially given the young boy who so idolized him, who looked up to him for all he was worth.

No, he knew that walking this path meant he was signing Rabastan up to the same fate and he chose it anyway, because it was the right thing to do. They had signed up to a better world and it was up to the Rebellion to cleanse the earth of petulant peasants. It was an honour he’d so graciously accepted. Though the price was greater than he’d originally anticipated, he’d happily pay it again.

Except for Bella.

Her mind, becoming lost to the influence of the dark mark, of their great lord, was the one thing he hadn’t counted on and the one thing he wasn’t entirely sure he could stand to lose. If he couldn’t find a way to help her, he feared what might happen…

‘Cause I’ve been blasting and laughing so long, That even my mama thinks that my mind is gone

There was no turning back now, however. He was in too deep, too far up in the hierarchy to change his mind or attempt to stop the wheels from turning. Not that he could, they’d already gained so much momentum slamming into a concrete wall still would not be sufficient enough to act as brakes.

The lit cigarette was pulled from his lips between two fingers and the puff of smoke shot out into the empty space before him as he tracked his prey. Could you really call a tied man, left at your mercy prey? It seemed a little too easy for the predator, but no matter. “Tell me, Mr. Travers. Are you ready to comply?”

The question had already been posed to the man once before, after many a mishaps from the family when Rodolphus had been asked to re-align his best interests to be with the Rebellion once more.

You better watch how you’re talking and where you’re walking Or you and your homies might be lined in chalk

He was a whimpering mess, sitting there wide eyed, white knuckling the arm rests of the chair he was bound too. It was fucking pathetic. “What happened to the great Death Eater that so many had feared? What happened to the loyal servant who so willingly obliged his masters orders? What have you become, Mr. Travers?”

Rodolphus moved forward, finding himself growing tired of the cigarette he ground the nub against the flesh covering Travers hand, extinguishing it’s flame as screams filled the room. Though boredom was the only thing showing on his expression, his heart was filled with a kind of glee he rarely experienced in a mundane life.

Putting people in place was what he was good at, what he lived for. “It seems the first message was not enough for you,” his cool tone dripped with icy venom. He leaned in, bending at the waist, supporting his weight with two hands planted atop Traver’s own bound ones, the grunt at the pressure on a fresh burn caused Rodolphus’ lip to lift in a sneer…  ❝ You should have walked away when you had the chance ❞

[onelittlewitch333]

I don’t post too much of my own original content, but I wanted to jump on and just say:

Your craft is what you make it and above all it should resonate truly and deeply with your own soul. If something that everyone is saying you “have to do” in order to practice witchcraft seems off to you, don’t do it! You don’t have to follow every single little rule that other people make up for others to follow. I feel that your craft should feel organic and natural to you. You are the magic and your intuition will tell you more than you can ever learn from a book. It drives me so crazy when I read books, posts, blogs, etc. that say you have to have this and this and this in order to be a witch or to do magick. Pardon my French but F that noise! What works for some people doesn’t have to be the rule for everyone. Now this is not to say that we should disregard ALL guidelines, because inhibiting others will (such as with “love spells”) is a no-brainer no no. But I encourage others to make up their own calling of the quarters, if it resonates with you to be like “hey, homies of the north earth element, y’all should come check out this bad ass shit I’m about to do and help me out”, then say that! I also love that in the modern, technological age we are in, we have the ability to find exposure to other modalities of the craft, such as hoodoo. For years I feared venturing out of my knowledge of Anglo-Wiccan based magick, because I felt that I wasn’t the right race to ask about hoodoo or other magick modalities. Limiting myself for fear of... I suppose rejection. Respect of corse is always due and should be payed but Professor Charles Porterfield said it beautifully in his book A Deck of Spells: “ Hoodoo, like Jazz or Southern cooking, is not a ‘moveable feast’; it has a basis , form, pattern, tradition,taste, and sound to it. This book is not meant to encourage readers to simply donas they please, but instead to inspire them to “cook delicious Gumbo and play excellent Jazz.” I also find it interesting and somewhat discouraging that the “witch aesthetic” it prevelently black. No doubt I love wearing dark colors and neutrals as much as the next girl because that’s me. But If you wanna wear bright colors, you can still be hella witchy ! Don’t limit yourself! Along these lines, the “rules” around tarot drive me crazy! You can absolutely buy your own decks, you don’t have to sleep with them under your pillow ( unless you want to), to cleanse them a good strong breath will work just as well as saging them or maybe even better as it’s so much more personal, you can do readings for yourself ( infact it’s the easiest way to get aquainted with your deck). Just do what feels right and form that personal connection with your chosen form of divination. Anyways, you don’t need a wand, or staff or insense or athame or cauldron or black clothes to practice magick. Expand your magick, expand your knowledge, and do you, my witchy boo boos! There is no absolute wrong way of being YOU! Be the magick you want to see in the world! ***end of rant*** ☺️

[elfmeme]

Khonjin House Starters

*WARNING: Some starters have sensitive topics

"I think it's time to order a pep-pep-pep-pep-PEPerroni pizza!"

"GODDAMMIT. Alright let's try this again."

"WHAT'RE YOU DOING, _, YOU HANGED UP ON ME!"

"I can't use my fucking dick anymore because of you."

"I'M JUST TRYING TO GET A PIZZA!"

"I want you dead, you little prick. DEAD. You hear me?!"

"Well, if I'm going I'm taking my spaghetti with me."

"It's in the coooontraaaaact~!"

"Well, it doesn't matter anyways because this questions a real butt breaker."

"I think I swallowed a bottle cap."

"I've never burned down a house before."

"AND YOU NEVER WILL!"

"God, don't these people know that I'm busy trying to look for crab crab?"

"You didn't tell me that the crab crab was a crab!"

"It's like the saying: Life's a beach, and I'm the dune who can't sand to watch our crustacean comrades go unprotected by the long beach island arm of the claw."

"Wait. I can smell it...Crab."

"I'm going to die."

"I'm going to need to examine that bag, if you don't mind."

"Well, just don't, uh, mind me while I TENDERIZE the BAG! A LITTLE BIT!"

"Uh, sir, it's not what it looks like. I just have a really loud butt."

"Well, I just dropped it so I don't have a product anymore."

"Well, uh, well don't just stand there, like are you gonna take it or not?"

"Wow. Well, now that you mention that, I totally want- SYKE! WHOOOO!"

"WHAT?! WHAT DO YOU WANT?!"

"Do you want this?? It's my most prized posession."

"I don't know, I found this cat in the garbage."

"Well, I'll just get down to it."

"It's okay, you can come in."

"Didn't you hear what I fucking said?!"

"I got to save the spaghetti!"

"The time. It has finally come. God, have mercy on all of us."

"What the fuck is the matter with you??"

"Well, s/he doesn't have to know that."

"I don't wanna break his/her heart, they're a cool chick."

"But that's a different plate of cookies for a different glass of milk."

"DO YOU KNOW WHAT 9/11 IS? I WAS THERE!!! On those planes."

"CHECK YOUR PRIVILEGE, SCUMHOLE!"

"WHOOOO are you?"

"WAIT! DON'T TELL ME!"

"heheh...what a dick.."

"WHAAAAAT is this?"

"Eh, it's just a little scooty."

"Its just a little scooty. Don't fuck with it!"

"Well, yeah, but, the thing about that is that I....Am going to touch it."

"Alright, I won't touch it on one condition: You have to answer me one question."

"I KNEW IT!"

"Ladies and gentlemen......FFFUCK!"

"You're not as big as you think, broseph."

"The only rock you're gonna feel is the pavement!"

"Who the FUCK is talking about a rock?! Are you insane?!"

"S/he couldn't cheat on a math test, let alone cheat on me."

"The only C I can explain are the C four explosives planted under the floorboards."

"This whole place is going to hell."

"You're right, because it's C. Four. And planted the bombs, as previously stated, the ones you are standing on, with your feet, where they are, right there."

"You'll kill us both!"

"Both?! Oh, god NO!"

"Oh great. Of course. Always leave it to _ to fuck something up."

"Get the fuck out, RIGHT NOW!"

"But unfortunately for _ s/he will never find the chiwowow."

"What you don't understand is that I'm gonna fucking stick you like the pig you are if you don't."

"Shut the hell up at forever'o clock."

"How about you get me a PSPiece of pizza or you can Nintendo sixty-forget about ever surviving!"

"Heheh! A whole pep-pepperoni pizza all to myself-"

"Confirmed!"

"Die in your wildest of dreams!"

"You are a fool to stand against me, you idiot!"

"Personally, I prefer your ass."

"And the winner's me."

"If it isn't  __, my beeest friend!"

"That's a lot of people s/he's gotta fight."

"NO, S/HE'S A FRAUD! S/HE'S A FUCKING FRAUD! NO!"

"I am going to put a fucking bullet through my head."

"Listen, I got more degrees than a thermometer. You call me doc."

"Why are these names so goddamn long?!"

"I dunno, I've never been guilty before."

"I want every __ on my desk by the sixty-nineth hour, four-hundred-twenty days by now."

"Rob the place of every fuckboy."

"I want every desk on my desk."

"For the last fucking time, the rope isn't haunted!"

"Fuck it, just go!"

"It was across the street! Why do we need a map?!"

"What a wonderful day to be the king."

"I remember it like it was yesterday, it wasn't yesterday but that's how it felt."

"I DID IT!"

"I DIDN'T LIVE IN SACRAMENTO!"

"I'M NOT LOOKING FOR WOMAN! I'M LOOKING FOR PIZZA!"

"How about I give you a pair of scissors and cut out your favorite picture of _. And while you're at it, tape that picture to your face, so I can feel like I'm beating the shit out of him when I'm beating the shit out of you."

"I'M NOT IN THE MOOD FOR THAT FUCKING BULLSHIT!!"

"It's kind of mesmerizing, really."

"I despise every fiber of your being."

"I'm not involving myself with you. At all."

"It looks like a magic."

"I respect that. And by respect that I mean touch it."

"Have you guys seen my chia pet?"

"I feel like liquid."

"Do I look like someone who knows what the hell that is? Because I am, what was your question?"

"I wanna know how to get the hell out of here!"

"I will staple your face to a beehive."

"Ah, what a wonderful day to take a single step."

"The footage was doctored, you idiots!"

"You can't trust anyone, except for the one man I who can trust with my very life."

"Could you just let me speak for, like, one second?"

"Then what are you doing here, hotshot?"

"You ever heard about the joke with the kid who dissipated into the tides of time? Well, you never will."

"And I was an undercover cop the whole time, they were the criminal, I caught them....Which is what I would've said if I was a cop. I'm a murderer."

"Ah, what a wonderful day to not have Christmas money."

"Alright, I get it. I was looking to play cards but, uh, you can go fish."

"Wait a second, did you say cards as in, like..poker? As in, like, money?"

"But I ain't gonna play cards with some bitchy fishy who's trying to swim with the sharks. So how about you grab yourself a towel, and get out of the pool?"

"I'm gettin' my decks shuffled tonight, if you know what I'm saying!"

"Go back to the shallow end, __, this yaht doesn't have room for two. And I just sunked your career."

"Christmas ain't about making money! It's about making a shitton of money."

"Homie, are you trying to get a lambchop or a lamborghini? Come on, my boy, let's ride, let's talk the dirty."

"Don't. Trust. The streets."

"It was only a matter of time, probably for the rattle of a dime." 

"But money was not gonna buy their way out of this situation station."

"'EY! Could you PLEASE SHUT UP?!"

"Crisis averted."

"Sometimes in order to find the spider, you have to walk right into their web. Their spiderweb."

"Basically, I have no idea how to solve the case."

"Early to pep, early to shoot the shit."

"Don't pretend you're not here, I know you're here!"

"So, how far away is Six Flags?"

"Oh..That's, strange? I could've sworn we were going to Six Flags, considering I'm already IN THE CAR. AND WE'RE GOING TO SIX FLAGS!"

"Alright we made it, now lets find our guy."

"If I were a target, where would I be?"

"You got it! Just, uh, give me a second here, I'll be right back."

"I'veeee got the net!"

"So you're telling me, that if I scream once, I'm dead?"

"Wow, that's a nice cigar, I didn't know you vape."

"Look at this buffet, how could you pass this up?"

"Oh, great, just clone them. Call off the whole fucking funeral, who cares?"

"Can you actually do that?"

"Some people want to make it their own way, but I like to make it the gay way."

"Okay! I get it! it sucks, whatever!"

"EXCUSE ME?! Do I owe you something?!"

"Look, I had a rough day. I'm not looking for trouble."

"Okay, __, I get it. Laugh it up, alright?!"

"I can't die now! Not before I've played Dweebus: the Video Game."

"Today, I've decided to stop wasting my time with habits that just are fucking dumb."

"Oh, dearest __, your voice is like a porcelain gulder against the tides of white noise."

"Would you not cleanse my ears with one bout of conversation?"

"It's so quiet." 

"....S/He's gonna come in here any second now. And when s/he does, the loudest music you have ever heard in your life is gonna play."

"The sheer volume will destroy any speaker, any set of headphones will rupture and explode."

"And this horrible reality is approaching us, and I will be right here at ground zero."

"Could've been good if it were fire ants."

"Sorry to have wasted your time."

"I want to kill you on the principle of that stupid-ass question alone."

"I don't even know who you are!"

"You said you weren't him! I thought I recognized you!"

"Give me one good reason not to."

"Oh, I'm sorry, but there's an irony to be appreciated here."

"I know it'll be lost on you, but would you believe that you're not the only illusion that wants me dead?"

"You wanted him dead since the beginning."

"Kinda sleepy."

"And I'm kinda pissed. Probably don't have to tell you why either."

"Yeah, I think I'm gonna go to bed."

"I'm just gonna lie down here, I'm comfortable."

"You know what, you've had a hard day. You take a nap, and recharged, and all that."

"Wake up, you dumbass!"

"I was having this dream about this girl with really big thighs."

"In other words, a nightmare."

"What? Do you not find big thighs attractive?"

"Well, I guess everyone has their own personal opin- YOU ARE SO FULL OF SHIT!"

"What a wonderful day to experience an unabashedly horrfying piece of ribbon."

"It's a bow that makes bows, we could sell them for four dollars apiece! Cold hard cash, or credit."

"I'm gonna take a bunch of tampons and SHOVE THEM UP YOUR FUCKING ASS!"

"Don't worry, I can fix this. Which is what I would've said if I knew how."

"Nah, I don't remember that at all."

"I know what I want, and I know what I deserve."

"Good, I'm glad you know. But I don't."

"That sounds like a load of shit, I don't believe you."

"My greatest wish is for you to be castrated by a scorpion."

"You take five steps near this thing I'll do a tap-dance on your ribcage!"

"And I'm running out of patience."

"Yes I know, you're a special snowflake, come on we're running out of time!"

"It seems like you thought I was asking for second opinion."

"I would rather die at the hands of a frisbee than chase whatever crazy taxi it is you want me to go get."

"In fact, I'm calling your bluff, asshole!"

"Kill me with that frisbee. Do it."

"Could we really just do that?"

"Has technology really come this far?"

"I wanted to be a surprise."

"Sooo, what do you like best about me?"

"You're not ruining the surprise for me."

"Surpriiiiiiiiiise~."

"We're gonna fucking kill ourselves, go to heaven, and steal Jesus' shoes."

"You should not have done this."

"Well I did, so it looks like you'll just have to kill me."

"The power that was once upon you, is no longer yours."

"This existence doesn't need you anymore."

"People will DIE! Just because you lost someone doesn't mean everybody has to!"

"You think I'm playing you? How do you think you got here."

"GET THIS SHIT OFF ME!"

"And, as it turns out, uhh, limited time was actually unlimited time, and so it's gonna be there forever."

"I got a signed poster of Flute from Spy Kids, I know you wanna see this!"

"Yawn, YAWWWN!"

"I've heard mention of _ and obviously I'm here for this reason."

"Not to belabor the point, but this has never worked."

"Is this the fake gamer girl equivalent to _, you fuckin’ snob?"

"I've learned all the racial slurs in existence, and I will recite them now."

"Uh, did you try shooting it?"

"WOAH, HEY NOW, flag on the plane! You can't just say that!"

"This is literally the worst possible time to be doing any of this."

"Wow, by some miracle of probability, your complete and utterly hairbrained scheme managed to garner one modicum of success and with this juncture I could not possibly see how this could go wrong."

"You thought you've got me, but jokes on you I have narcolepsy."

"Ah, well, alright. I don't really understand the implications of that but much better than the proposed outcome."

"If there's anything I've learned, it's that if it abides by the laws of physics, it simply cannot exist in this twisted, fucked up world."

"So, uh, yeah, I'm going to go home and asphyxiate on every stray cat I see on the way there."

"I don’t feel bad, I've just had enough, man. I have needs for pizza."

[baldbae-tele]

In Betweener

I've come to realize that so many of us have serious body image issues despite where our bodies fit on the spectrum. From skinny to thick we all seem to have some insecurity about our bodies at one time or another. No matter how attractive the outside world views us, we see ourselves through a magnifying glass and can identify each of our flaws and imperfections.

I've never considered myself a pretty girl. I was always awkward and I believed that my nose and lips were way too big for my face. Hence, I've always been uncomfortable about taking pictures and the awkwardness that I feel inside definitely shows through. But I have been working hard at this recently, taking some bomb photos and taking risks with my hair A GIRL IS BALD-ISH which means more attention is drawn to my face. I'm becoming ok with this...soooo that's another post for another day.

BUT as for the rest of my body, here's a little background.

I've never been a skinny girl, but I always knew I wasn't a big girl either...I was I guess what you would call slim.

Flashforward to today, I am neither skinny nor slim but I still don't qualify as a big girl. I'd deluded myself at a point in time to thinking that I was thick....but that's because Drake once said he loves thick girls and I love Drake sooooo there was an obvious connection.

I always had this stubborn pouch though...that would sit on my lower abdominals without fail...You know that stubborn belly fat that you could never seem to get rid of despite tripping over your feet while dancing along to the Zumba flat abs videos? Anyway I hate it. If there is one thing I could change about my body it's that. It has been a source of shame for me for eternity.

And I know most people may think, well girl... just do some meal prep and eat smaller portions...but I've never been a smaller portions type girl. FOOD IS MY FIRST LOVE! It has been my best friend for most of my life. I say most because my mom always tells me this story about how she thought I'd never eat solid food....And then voila....I move from Jamaica to Trinidad and I meet curry. Couldn't go backwards from there. And Trinidad is the land of cuisine, so I really don't believe in depriving myself of the amazing delicacies.

The thing is, I drink lots of water. I'm pretty much a camel and I'm not a fan of junk food. I incorporate a lot of fish into my diet even though I am a die hard carnivore. I also love me some fruits and veges. (Spinach and Kale are my homies) I started training three times a week, crossfit and weights since last January but I can still see that lower abdominal bulge.

I've obsessed over it, tried juice cleanses, tried soup diets, tried weight loss pills (which btw made me sick and anxious). I did a few rounds of ultrasonic cavitation, which had a bit of an effect on my tummy in general but that lower bulge just keeps keeping on. I've also spent nights on end in a steel boned corset, struggling to breathe and waking up with bruises just to get rid of this unwanted pouch...to no avail...

AND as if it wasn't bad enough that I hate my pouch...Along came the media with a new thing for me to hate about my body...Hip Dips. I didn't even care that I had them until I realized that I had them, so now some little impressions in my hip region have become moon craters in my mind. I'm out here tryna do the crab walks, sumo squats etc to get rid of them things so that I can bring on my inner hourglass figured body.

The obsession has become a source of concern for me

So I started asking myself a few questions:

1. What happens if your bulge never disappears despite your best planking efforts?

2. What if your body type doesn't facilitate you ever getting rid of those hip dips?

3. What if there is no inner hourglass shape and you're just shaped the way you are shaped?

4. Do you let your imperfections impact on my self esteem?

AND FINALLY

5. What if you stopped comparing your body to the Amber Roses and Kim Ks and Baha Yogis and just aimed for your optimal body?

Needless to say I have a lot of introspection to do...