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revolutionsingingintherainnn · 5 months ago

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Aakhon Mein Teri ⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆

Summary: Lando Norris and his very desi girlfriend <3

: ̗̀➛ ln4 x desi!reader ₊˚⊹♡

: ̗̀➛ fluff + humour ₊˚⊹♡

masterlist ☾☼

✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧

yourusername

liked by landonorris, oscarpiastri and 321,970 others

yourusername: manifesting that our story doesn't end like om shanti om

view all 85,261 comments

landonorris this movie was traumatising

yourusername no it wasn't!

user1 it really is

landonorris next time im picking a movie for movie night

yourusername no 😚

user2 dunno who i love more srk or lando

yourusername the only reason im with lando is cause srk is too old for me

landonorris wtf babe????

maxfewtrell you need to stop showing him movies that'll keep him up at night

carlossainz he's a child

danielricciardo too young to watch horror movies

landonorris THANK YOU

user3 i love how they came for lando's rescue 😂😂😂

yourusername

liked by landonorris, maxverstappen1 and 715,026 others

yourusername gora pakora with his little spicy pakora

view all 291,008 comments

landonorris youre so beautiful

yourusername no you

landonorris i am

yourusername 😒

landonorris wtf is a gora pakora

user1 NO ONE TELL HIM

user2 youre a gora pakora lando

oscarpiastri yall are cute

yourusername lily and i are cuter tho

alexalbon youve already stolen my lily, why do you need another one

yourusername alexalbon im collecting all your girlfriends and then we're gonna ditch yall and live happily ever after

charlesleclerc alexandrasaintmleux stay away

alexandrasaintmleux no 😚

user3 PARENTS

user4 LANDO IN A KURTA LANDO IN A KURTA THIS IS NOT A DRILL I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL

user5 im dead he looks so beautiful

yourusername

liked by mclaren, landonorris and 853,017 others

yourusername poor guy's gonna lose all his money now that he's marrying me

view all 604,321 comments

landonorris can't wait to marry you

mclaren congratulations to the happy couple!

user6 shes such a gold digger

user1 no you dumbass. indian weddings have like, 13 different ceremonies to it

user2 my parents are getting married

user4 can't believe he's willingly giving away all of his money to her

carlossainz congratulation kids

danielricciardo they grow up so fast

maxverstappen1 i just read somewhere that there are 13 ceremonies???

yourusername yes there's going to be a meeting about it. i expect you to be there

maxverstappen1 im scared

yourusername you should be

oscarpiastri cant believe youre getting married!

user5 i love how y/n's gonna have a meeting to explain the wedding process to all of them

user1 indian weddings are no joke 😭😭😭

yourusername

liked by landonorris, maxfewtrell and 981,003 others

yourusername my radha was on the dance floor 🕺❤️

view all 704,692 comments

landonorris im so happy i married you i love you sm

yourusername i love you sm too

user1 WE NEED MORE DETAILS

carlossainz how did your wedding end up being more tiring than a triple header???

yourusername its the beauty of indian weddings

oscarpiastri i honestly feel like im still drunk

landonorris as you should be

mclaren NO AS YOU SHOULDNT BE

georgerussell beautiful beautiful wedding guys

yourusername carmen looked so pretty i wouldve married her instead

carmenmmundt YES

georgerussell NO

landonorris NO

danielricciardo all those dance practices paid off

yourusername you bet im gonna use the sangeet videos on your birthdays

charlesleclerc please dont we beg you

yourusername MWAHAHA

alexalbon landonorris your wife is being mean to us

yourusername he won't say anything he loves me

landonorris i do

maxfewtrell whipped

user2 I NEED TO SEE THIS VIDEO

user4 im so happy for them im gonna cry

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this is my first smau! i'm still learning to do these, so I'm sorry if this was bad! the dupatta getting caught on lando's watch idea was a request by @justadesirebel and I'm so sorry it took me so much time to make this! but, anyways, I hope you guys enjoyed this! also, the title "aakhon mein teri" translated means "in your eyes" and I chose that because the scene in the movie when the actress' dupatta gets caught in the actor's watch, that's the song playing in the background! i've also got a link for my taglist that you can find here!

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rangerbarbz · 3 months ago

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Professor Pines pt. 2

Author’s note: YALL RAHHHH I MADE THE HIGHEST GRADE IN THE CLASS ON ONE OF MY ZOOLOGY FINALS LETS GOOOOOO anyways things are slowing down for me other than i am moving into my own place!! Im so excited <3 I hope yall enjoy this!! (I just want to apologize for me nerding out over birds in this chapter)

Summary: This is just a random day in the first week that Ford and the reader are spending in east Tennessee. They are going bird watching ayyyy

May 21st

You leaned over your field notebook, trying to recreate the beautiful foliage you had seen on a hike with Ford the day before. Before trying to find any mysterious creatures that lurked in the Appalachian, Ford had suggested that you both get acquainted with the area you would be studying in. This way you would be able to fully understand the habitat this cryptid called home and any adaptations it developed to flourish there. You didn’t mind it whatsoever. Wildlife had always been something you were interested in, and Ford made it so damn fun. It was a shame you never had him before as a professor. He would be one hell of a lecturer. Despite having the reputation of being an introvert, he came to life when he got to speak about his passion: science.

You certainly weren’t as gifted in the art department as Ford was, but you were determined to finish this drawing of a flower if it was the last thing you did. You bit the end of your indigo coloring pencil as you examined your illustration.

“Needs more purple,” you mumbled, grabbing your violet pencil and drawing streaks over the petals. You hummed contentedly. “There we go.”

“Very nice, Y/N,” Ford complimented. You didn’t know he was bent down looking over your shoulder, observing your artistic process.

“Jesus!” you yelped, knee hitting the underside of your desk. Your colored pencils began to roll onto the floor beside you. “You scared me,” you said through laughing.

“I seem to be good at doing that,” Ford replied jokingly. He kneeled beside you, his face now eye level with your lap. Out of your view, his eyes flickered at your plush thighs as he stood back up. He placed your pencils beside your notebook and placed a hand on the back of your swivel chair.

He pointed to your drawing. “Is that the Bachelor’s Button we saw yesterday?”

You smiled. “Yes, it is! How did I do?” You turned to him as he read the notes and labels that were littered around the page.

“Looks just like it,” he answered, grinning at you.

“Why, thank you, Ford.” You closed your notebook and turned towards him, still seated. He was now leaning against the oak drawers of the desk, his hands flat on the surface behind him. “What do you have planned today?”

“I’m glad you asked!” He removed his journal tucked into a pocket inside his jacket and flipped through the pages. He landed on a page that had nothing on it besides the word “Birds” written in his loopy scrawl. “I thought we’d go bird watching today! I’m a little rusty on class Aves, so I thought we’d go together and see what we find.”

Yes! I would love to! Let me just-” You leaned over to the bottom drawer where Ford was standing. The drawer was shielded by his broad legs.

“Oh, excuse me!” Ford apologized. He stepped out of the way. You pulled out a pair of binoculars and a guide for bird identifying.

“Alright, I’m ready.” You stood up quickly from your chair. “Lead the way, Pines,” you said faux authoritatively.

He laughed. “Yes ma’am.”

You found yourself walking down a trail where the grass had been patted down by others who had walked on it before. Trees grew on either side of you and bushes were scattered throughout the forest. It was quite peaceful. You and Ford had settled on a comfortable silence as you looked to the branches for birds. You were both trying to walk softly to avoid any twigs or leaves crunching. This came surprisingly easy to Ford despite being the tall, broad man that he is. You eventually stopped at a spot behind a shrub that had been covered in vines to gaze across an open area.

“This should be good enough,” Ford said, placing his bag on the ground. He brought his binoculars to his eyes just as you did. “Keep an eye out for anything…unusual. You never know what you’ll find.”

You chuckled. “Got that right.” You then turned to your left to search for any bright patches of colors that could be songbirds. After about a minute of not seeing anything, Ford brought your attention his way.

“Look! Do you know what that is, Y/N?” he asked quietly, pointing upwards. You quickly pivoted on your feet and moved closer to him, scanning the trees with your binoculars.

“I don’t quite see it,” you murmured, still looking for the bird in the wrong direction.

“Here.” Ford then shifted behind you gently touching your elbows and lifting your arms into the line of sight of the bird. Your breath hitched in your throat at the contact. His fingertips were rough compared to the soft flesh of your arms. He leaned next to your ear and pointed once again, facing the sky.

“Do you see it?” he whispered. You felt your face grow warm at the current proximity. His voice was so low and gravelly in your ear. You suddenly saw the bird he had been talking about. It was black, white, and had a bright red splotch across its chest.

“Oh, I see it!” you exclaimed. “That’s a, uh,” you snapped your fingers, “a Rose-Breasted Grosbeak.”

Ford smiled warmly at you. “That it is.”

You spent an extra hour and a half taking in the scenery around you, continuing to find even more birds. It was a truly beautiful day for it. The sun was even shining just right on Ford to accentuate the silver in his hair. That’s when you remembered something.

You then pulled a disposable camera out of your back pocket. “Ford, look at me,” you instructed, positioning the camera in front of your eye.

“What are you doing?” he asked, quirking an eyebrow at you.

“Taking a picture of you. Don’t think you can escape entering my scrapbook. Now smile.” He laughed in response to that, giving you a perfectly authentic grin.

“That reminds me of my great niece. She loves scrapbooking. You’ll have to meet her one day.” He began to pick up his bag and slung it over his shoulder. “You would get along swimmingly.”

You giggled. “I would love that,” you responded, also picking up your own bag and putting your binoculars in it.

You began to walk back down the trail together, recapping all of what you saw today when you spotted a raspberry bush. “Hell yes,” you said, striding over to the bush. “You want a snack, Ford?” You started to pick the berries off the plant.

“I’m alright, but thank you,” he responded, waiting for you to get done harvesting. You walked back over to him and began to bite a berry in half. Unfortunately, this was an especially juicy one. It busted and left a red streak dribbling down your chin.

“Dammit,” you grumbled, about to wipe your mouth with your sleeve.

Ford frowned at you. “No, don’t ruin your shirt like that. Here let me.” His hand gently cradled the back of your head as he took the bottom of his shirt and brought it to your chin. Your eyes widened at the action and the fact you could now see Ford’s midsection. He had a muscular belly with just a little bit of pudge and a graying happy trail. Oh my God.

His cotton covered thumb swiped below your lip, removing the juice that was there. He wasn’t looking in your eyes but instead focusing on the task at hand. His hand left the back of your head as he dropped his shirt.

“There we go,” he grinned, eyes crinkling at you. “Now, I’m the dirty one.” You knew your face had to be as red as the berry you just ate, but he didn’t mention it. It was such an innocent act of kindness, but the way you were feeling was far from innocent.

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ghostgirl-22 · 13 days ago

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Idk if you write this kind of thing but i have ocd and i always see art as having it. Im just imagining Art spiralling, becoming neurotic and obsessive over his appearance, hygiene, schedules, social interactions ect til he has a nervous breakdown/panic attack

Mostly just imagining patrick being there for him over the years, calming his attacks, distracting him, helping him loosen up and telling him everything is okay and he loves him, he can always tell when arts mind starts drifting again and he squeezes his hand to ground him and remind him hes there ❤

Ooh lovely anon sorry this took forever <3 I wrote the whole thing from Arts perspective and realized I really don’t have much (read: any) experience with ocd and didn’t want to go to deep into thought processes so I just decided to scrap everything and try it from Patrick’s pov. I probably still fucked it but I hope that you will forgive me and let me know if I’ve harmed you in anyway by writing this. It is definitely not my intention so I will happily fix any issues<3 I will say some of Patrick’s language and reactions are awkward on purpose because he’s not a trained psychiatrist just some guy trying to be there for his friend.

Anywho! This is SFW. The smallest hints of homoerotic tension but that’s because this is challengers yall!! it’s not conclave which is also a great movie btw!

Everything is romantic 💝

—-

Patrick doesn’t always understand it. He remembers the first time Art had a panic attack in front of him. They were 12. Art had heard news that his grandma had fallen down and was in the hospital. Patrick didn’t know that but he woke up to Art trying to catch his breath. He was soaking wet, just out of the shower, splotchy red, still in his towel. Head down between his hands. Fists clenched around his ears, shaking like he couldn’t get comfortable if he wanted to. Patrick had panicked a bit, thinking he was having a seizure or something.

He hurried out of bed and sat next to Art on his, asking what was wrong. Art could barely get the words out but he grabbed onto Patrick when he got up to alert their floor monitor. “Please no, s-stay with me.” Art gasped.

And so Patrick did. He felt a little uncomfortable at first and started making stupid, tasteless jokes about celebrities just to cut through the heaviness. Surprisingly it got Art to smile and relax his fists just a little bit. He even brought up the time his sister dared him to dress up like Britney Spears and do the dance. That really made Art laugh. “I want to see a picture.”

Later on Art admitted he was afraid he’d caused his grandmas accident because he’d done something dirty (touched himself) the night before she got hurt and maybe God was punishing him. He’d been scrubbing himself raw in the shower trying to redeem himself. Intrusive thoughts in his head about her getting an infection, thoughts about her dying if he didn’t get clean.

“No way, you don’t have that kinda power,” Patrick said gently. “Besides God has so many people to worry about. I don’t think he’s sending all his punishment to a random kid for touching himself when there are murderers out there getting away with it.” He didn’t think Art really believed him but he was definitely calmer before they turned off the light. Luckily his grandma was fine. Just a broken wrist, no surgery required and she went home a few days later.

It wasn’t always related to something as serious as his grandma’s health. Coach told them a few years later that they were on the shortlist to earn recognition for being advanced players (especially for their age) during the end of year banquet. Patrick enjoyed the attention but he didn’t need recognition to have fun on the court. He and Art had managed to become a well oiled machine as doubles partners, they were 14, playing kids who were 17 and the best in their state and beating them. That was enough recognition for Patrick.

Oddly enough Art didn’t take the news well. He was already very strict about his training routine but he went a little crazy at the idea of earning that award. He was up everyday before dawn for two weeks. Running himself ragged in training.

By now Patrick had been roommates with him for 2 years and he could somewhat recognize the signs of an impending breakdown. And inevitably it happened after practice. Everyone else was exhausted, in the locker rooms, showering, changing eager to go home and get food. Art stayed on the court, hitting against the wall. Patrick cleaned up and when he came back out to convince Art to come with him to the mess hall, he noticed that Art was breathless, crying, slamming tennis balls against the wall over and over with all the force he could muster.

“Hey!” Patrick called several times trying to get his attention. “Hey, Art! Stop. Stop,” Patrick said when he got close enough that he could wrestle the racket away from him. Art sort of crumpled in his arms. Breathless, sweaty. His body tense.

That time Patrick sat on the tennis court with him until he started to calm down. Talking nonsense as it started to get dark around them. After a while Art finally admitted he didn’t feel like he was good enough for the award. He’d missed a few backhands while they played in the tournament against Piney Creek Academy and he’d been beating himself up ever since, forcing himself to get it right. “I feel like you carry me. Like I’m not even fucking good.” Art mutters.

“Dont be ridiculous. Yeah, I’m a little bit like a crazy person. But you’re a fucking machine. And I mean that in a good way.” Patrick explains.

Art snorts, little fireflies are beginning to light up around them, the cicadas and crickets are singing. “I don’t think that’s a good thing.” He says.

“In tennis it is…look at Federer. Look, nothing phases him. That’s just like you on that court when you’re not in your head. When everything…like all your mental whatever…when that leaves your head and you’re really playing… it’s like nothing can shake you. Least of all me. I fucking need you baby. Fire and ice. That’s us.”

Art smiles. “You’re comparing me to Federer?”

“Dont let it go to your head but yes. Hell fucking yes,” Patrick says. He still can’t figure out whether or not he’s saying the right thing. He read somewhere talking through it and distractions helped with panic attacks but it doesn’t specifically mention what to talk about. He probably shouldn’t be waving off Art’s very real mental thing as “mental whatever” but he does seem more relaxed. Enough that he’s finally ready to go inside for food. Which Patrick is starving for.

He’s aware of a lot of Arts ticks by the time they’re at the top of the school. He knows about ocd, he’s read a lot about it over the years. He can identify the types of things Art obsesses about. Even the compulsions. He’s still a little sucky at figuring out when he’s contributing to Arts anxiety but he’s really trying not to. And he’s really good at identifying the panic attacks. He’s even been able to stop a few before they got out of control.

When they're on the bus back from an away game and everyone is excitedly chatting about prom that night. Who they’re going with and how fun it’s gonna be. Patrick notices it when Art starts dissociating, when his eyes go glassy and he starts to rock back and forth anxiously in the seat beside him. Touch usually helps a lot to ground him back in reality. So Patrick grabs hold of his thigh, making Art aware of his presence. Maybe too aware. It brings him back down to earth but with how close they were…Patrick couldn’t help but notice it woke up something else. He didn’t want to freak Art out so he decided to ignore it for now, though he grips Arts fingers instead.

“You feel better?” He asks, quietly.

“Yeah,” Art says, clearly grateful that Patrick is pretending not to notice as he adjusts himself. “Um it’s a whole thing about prom and expecting to embarrass myself and the thought of that making me panic and then the idea of panicking in front of everyone being embarrassing and then panicking about that yeah…I’m…” he makes the crazy gesture. He’s much more comfortable talking about it to Patrick now. He’s been in therapy and also Patrick’s been there with him since they were little.

“You know Maddy’s not perfect, right?” Patrick says amusedly talking about Arts prom date.

Art nudges him playfully with his leg, “I know.”

“Try to relax and have fun. And remember she came in 10th place in the girls round robin. Dude Stevie Miles beat her.”

Art laughs and takes a breath, continuing to smile fondly. “Yeah…okay thanks Pat. Sorry about—“ he gestures awkwardly to his lap.

Patrick brushes it off. It does intrigue him but he figures now isn’t the time or place to press. “It’s no problem.”

“And I mean thanks for always… I don’t know. Thanks for not freaking out when I…even when we were kids. I’m so glad I got you as my— thanks.”

Patrick shrugs, swallowing on something in his throat. “Listen dude go easy on the punch tonight,” Patrick says, changing the subject. He wraps his arm around Arts shoulder talking a little quieter. “We’re gonna spike it.”

“You’re not,” Art says, eyes wide.

“Dont look so innocent you heard us planning it.”

“I didn’t think you were serious.”

“When am I not serious?” Patrick smirks.

“Whatever just don’t get expelled you idiot. If I have to play those Austrians with Miller as my partner at the Open I really will freak out.”

“Oh no don’t worry,” Patrick laughs like it’s fool proof. “I’ll be there. I’ve got you.”

(I ask that you suspend your disbelief because I needed to put Serena/federer/Nadal and Murray into a previous tennis generation so I don’t have to think about the idea of Art beating Nadal on a clay court cause my imagination is not that big lol. Also I can’t recall who Art and Pat played against in the junior us open. I should probably rewatch the movie 😅)

#challengers fic #art donaldson #patrick zweig #art x patrick #artrick #dani’s inbox

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umbrella-show · 1 year ago

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Platonic Yan Rottmnt

「 ✦ 𝐏𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐨𝐧𝐢𝐜 𝐘𝐚𝐧 𝐑𝐎𝐓𝐓𝐌𝐍𝐓 𝐱 𝐌𝐮𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐭 𝐓𝐮𝐫𝐭𝐥𝐞 𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫 𝐏𝐭.𝟐 ✦ 」

Part 2 is finally here and there will be a part 3 to finish off this mini series! \(^▽^)/ I'm sorry this took so long to post. A family member recently passed away and I was processing that while having to go to school and being swamped with schoolwork. Finals are also coming like next week but after that I get a two week break so I'll definitely be writing some more when that comes. Anyways I hope yall enjoy! Words : 2,411

THIS IS IN NO WAY APPROVING OF A ABUSIVE OR TOXIC RELATIONSHIP Warnings : Delusion, Kidnaping.

‧˚₊꒷꒦︶︶︶︶︶꒷꒦︶︶︶︶︶꒦꒷‧₊˚⊹

Being stuck for many months in what you learned was the Hamato brother’s lair was tiring. No, scratch that, it was exhausting. All of them were clingy, needy and especially overprotective. They also began addressing you like you were family, and started trying to spend time with you like you had lived with them your whole life.

Mikey was always trying to cling to you, whether it be holding your hand, carrying you throughout the lair, or just unexpectedly jumping on you and piggyback riding off of your back, clinging to you for dear life like a koala. He basically begged for your affection, trying so hard to take up all of your time with art, cooking, baking and anything else he could think of that would keep you occupied with him. He also called you his twin. Which, sure you were basically the same age as him, and you both were mutant turtles, but you had no connection to any of them whatsoever. You had learned how the Hamato’s had become mutants in the first place, but you all had never met before you or they were mutated, and you two didn’t even share the same birthday. Yet he seemed persistent to call you two twins.

Leo was obviously the jokester out of the four. He makes multiple one-liners around you, trying to make you laugh. He also made many jokes about New Jersey of all places, which you didn’t get. He wasn’t as touchy as Mikey, but he liked to occasionally put an arm around your shoulder or rest his elbow on your head. He seemed more possessive of you, making plans with you to read Jupiter Jim comics and get defensive when his brothers tried to take you away to do something else with them. He also liked to mix in some Spanish into his speech at times. He mostly calls you hermana/hermano.

Donnie was very protective of you. He made sure you balanced out your nutrients and ate food that would make sure your blood sugar levels were at normal rates. He knew what foods you could and couldn’t eat. He made sure you were hydrated and healthy. He knew most about your species. He had spent time studying your behaviors for the first few days you were brought to the lair. He also forbade you to do things that he thought you could harm yourself doing. Even simple things, like reaching items from up high, because, according to Donnie, the item you were reaching for could fall on your head so hard it could knock you out or cause you a concussion. Yeah, you didn’t get that rule. You had to ask either Donnie or his other brothers to help you. He also placed multiple cameras and alarms throughout your new room at your arrival, making sure he can monitor you at all times.

Raph was somewhat of a more tolerable one. While he was a bit more overprotective of you than Donnie, he was the one that gave you the most space and privacy. He was already worried he could possibly hurt you because of his strength, which made him back off a bit. He also was the only one who insisted on your personal space when Leo or Mikey were being too overbearing with their affection and touchiness. He made sure you at least ate breakfast, lunch and dinner, and sometimes would walk up to you, give you a small snack, gently pat your head like one would do to a cat, and anxiously leave without a word. You knew he could be a little shy around you, most likely due to an insecurity that you might not like him or think he’s not doing enough for you. He also occasionally likes to carry you in his arms.

Hell, even their dad, Splinter, grew attached to you. He calls you Yellow due to the spots on your body and shell, and practically treats you like one of his own. Except he makes more of an effort to talk and spend quality time with you. You found out he used to be a movie star named Lou Jitstu before he was mutated by some sheep guy named Baron Draxum.

Overall, you despised it here. You just want freedom. To see the sky again. To try and adjust to the circumstances of becoming a mutant by yourself and live a peaceful life where you're not constantly babied by everyone around you. That’s why you tried your first, and hopefully last, escape attempt.

—

You mentally went over the plan again and again in your mind, looking for possible flaws. A sense of doubt gnawed at the back of your mind. What if the plan didn’t work? What would happen to you then? You huffed at your own anxious thoughts, turning to face the curtain that was the door to your room. It led into the main room of the maze that was the Hamato’s lair. Thankfully, there was an extra room in the lair that the brothers had converted into a bedroom for you, despite Mikey’s protests and insisting you slept in his room in a separate hammock.

You took shaky deep breaths in and out a couple times to calm down. You could do this. The timing had to be just right. Speaking of time, you glanced at the digital alarm clock that rested on your bedside table. 5:21 AM. Okay, just a few more minutes and your plan would be set in motion.

You decided a time closer to the morning would work better, considering the brothers seemed to be active most in the night. A time closer to morning was usually when they slept. It would be the perfect time to sneakily leave your room. You decided trying to sneak straight to the manhole wasn’t an option. You knew Donnie would have some kind of security near there. Not only to keep you in, but to also keep unwanted strangers out. Luckily the lair had multiple entry and exit points that mostly led into the tunnels of the sewers. From there, you would have to try and find your way out from there. It wasn’t the most thought out plan since you had only gotten to explore the tunnels when Raph went Savage. If everything goes wrong and you end up with the brothers on your tail, your next bet is to swim your way away. Or at least try to. You assumed you could at least swim pretty well since you were a turtle now. You hoped that you wouldn’t have to resort to that though. Those waters looked disgusting and dirty and gross. Glancing at the alarm clock again you realized it was about time for you to activate your plan. A few minutes had passed since the last time you had looked at the time. Propping yourself on your elbows in the bed you took another deep breath. The time was now. You could do this. You slowly lifted your body into a sitting position, letting your legs dangle off of the edge of the bed for a few moments before pushing yourself to stand. Your crept towards the curtain, holding it open slightly so you could peek through the other side. Nothing. Everything was dead silent. Good. Slowly and soundlessly pushing the curtain further aside, you made sure to take slow steps to make as little noise as possible. You soon were standing in the middle of the main room, in the center of the natural light that came from the ceiling, the moonlight shining almost a spotlight on your figure as you continued to creep closer and closer towards the tunnel entry. A loud heavy bang of metal made you harshly flinch and hitch your breath. You froze up, staying as still as a statue. After a couple agonizingly long seconds, you turned your head towards the source of the noise. Light came from inside Donnie’s lab that spilled out of the door. You could barely hear sounds of metal objects being moved around in there and mentally cursed. Of course Donnie was awake. Why did you not think of that!? He basically ran on coffee 24/7 and was known for pulling multiple all-nighters on tech and inventions. He didn’t seem to notice you were out of your room though, considering he hasn’t come out of his yet. From the sound that came from his lab you assumed he was building something and was most likely putting his full attention on it. You hoped at least.

Whatever. You had no time to ponder. You took another slow step forward, keeping a slow and silent place towards the large metal entry to the labyrinth of sewers. Even after you made it beyond the tunnel entry, you still continued to slowly tiptoe your way until you were sure you were completely out of sight. After turning a quick corner in the tunnel, you laid your back against the stone wall and slowly panted with wide eyes. You took a moment before snapping out of your shock trance. No time to stop and rest now. Forcefully pushing yourself off of the wall you bolted down the tunnels, desperately looking for any traces of a possible exit. Your feet slapped against the cold stone floor, turning multiple corners. You could only briefly remember the paths that you had taken when exploring the sewers looking for Raph. Adrenaline pumped through your veins as you skidded around another corner. Luckily, there were graffiti drawings on most of the walls, most likely done by Mikey, that you used as a map. And based on the graffiti, you were almost there. You were almost free!

Your blood suddenly went cold when you heard it. Another set of feet slapping against the floor at a rapid pace somewhere behind you. No. No way you were stopping now that you had gotten this far. You urged your legs to run faster, using all of your strength to keep going. You glanced at a graffiti drawing of a smiley face melting and a small light of hope shone in you. This was it. Bolting around the last corner, you took only a few swift steps before leaping into the canal of green murky water that splashed violently along the rounded walls of the sewer tunnel. You ungracefully crashed into the water with a loud splash, the strong current taking you away.

You poked your head out of the water, coughing a bit, Another splash came from somewhere behind you, and snapping your head in that direction, you saw a Donnie hot on your trail, swimming without a problem towards you. How did he know you had left so quick!? He must have placed some kind of alert in the sewer tunnels too. You panicked, taking in a gulp of air and submerging yourself back under the water. You swam as fast as you could, violently kicking your legs as the current continued to sweep you to what you hoped to be the exit. You held your breath for as long as you could, occasionally throwing your head above the water to take in a large heave of air before continuing to swim with the overpowering tide.

You didn't know how long you had been swimming. What was probably seconds felt like forever. You could swim pretty fast. Almost faster than Donnie, but he was catching up.

A dead end with a tunnel. You could see a tunnel ahead, blocked by a rusted circular vault door with a wheel handle. Looking over your shoulder you could see Donnie's faint silhouette swimming towards you at a scarily quick pace. You needed to get the vault open and quick. You could feel your lungs desperately begging for air. Your hands gripped the wheel as you placed your feet against the stone wall, using all your strength to turn it. The wheel had obviously not been used in a while, from how hard it was to turn and how slow it did. You panicked slightly, using more of your strength. Bubbles left your mouth as your hands gripped the wheel tighter. Slowly but surely the wheel began to turn and after a few more seconds you were able to pry the metal vault open. You swung it open and hastily swam through the tunnel. You turned around, catching a quick glance at Donnie who was dangerously close, and slammed the vault shut, turning the handle as far as it could go. You then felt the wheel break off from the vault in your hands. You flinched when you heard a loud bang from the other side, and quickly fled.

Your lungs burned. If you didn’t get oxygen soon you would drown here. Swimming as fast as you could, you saw not far ahead was the end of the tunnel that led to more water, except the water was cleaner. Kicking your legs fiercely, you swam out of the tunnel and immediately swam up. Your head burst out of the water, taking in a loud gasp of air. The harsh inhale of air prompted you to cough harshly. You looked around for land, still coughing violently and wheezing. A wooden dock was the first thing you saw and you promptly began to weakly doggy paddle towards it. Your hands gripped the edge of the dock, slowly pulling yourself on it. You flopped on your stomach, panting heavily as water dripped off of your body. You rolled on to your back instead, spreading your limbs in a starfish position.

You looked up at the sun, squinting your eyes at the bright light. Using your arm to shield your eyes, the realization hit you with a burst of joy. The blue sky. The bright sun. You were free. You were finally free! You sat up, the adrenaline wearing off slowly. You knew you couldn't stay for long. Who knows when the brothers would be after after Donnie alerts them you had run away. You got up, having a bit of trouble from your shaking and sore legs from all of the tiring running and swimming. You stumbled as you walked at a quick pace across the dock and towards the tall city buildings that could be seen from your location. You need to get as far as possible from the escape exit you just took. You hoped you never saw those turtles ever again.

#rottmnt #rottmnt x reader #yandere rottmnt #x reader #yandere rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #yandere

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lcvehee · 9 months ago

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lost and found

#01. 'what am i getting into?' (smau+written)

ft. sohee (riize), female reader.

꩜ .ᐟ synopsis: after a chance meeting in the hushed aisles of the uni library and bickering over the last copy of "an introduction to statistical learning", fate keeps tugging y/n and sohee closer. despite their reserved nature and initial resistance, they find themselves drawn into each other's orbits, finding solace in each other's company.

꩜ .ᐟ wc: 0.9k

꩜ .ᐟ a/n: chapter one is out!!!!! we cheered!!!! IK THEYRE BOTH BEING MEAN TO EACH OTHER BUT ITLL GET BETTER I PROMISE YALL‼️ i hope you enjoy this sjnwjs if you have suggestions just tell me!! and what do you think of the written portion? is it too long? anyways I LOVE SOHEE !!

꩜ .ᐟ light theme is from y/n's pov and dark is from sohee's pov.

meanwhile, in sohee's orbit...

━˖°˖ ☆ ˖°˖ ━━━━━━━

y/n was in the front row of the lecture hall, silently playing with her pen as the professor rambled on and on, and on. she tried to focus, but she just couldn't. her mind drifted to the infamous book she had to get her hands on.

what am i supposed to do? every single copy in this campus is already borrowed, and buying the book is out of question—i'm so broke...

the sound of classmates loudly whispering behind her brought y/n back to reality. once again, she focused her eyes on the professor, reading the slide and jotting down something.

soon enough, the professor wrapped up her lecture and in a flash, y/n was out of the door, slinging her tote bag over her shoulder. she knew exactly where to go; the coffee shop she frequently went to was a few blocks outside of campus. this was her friend group's thing: twice a month they'd go there to study (as they like to say, but it's more of a gossip session...) and get their usual order. another tradition is that the last person to arrive was the one who paid for everyone's drink; hence, she speedwalked on her way there.

when she arrived, she let out a sigh of relief as she realized that she wasn't the last to arrive. giselle and anton were already sat at a circular table, chatting quite animatedly already. yeri was missing.

"y/n, over here!" giselle smiled warmly, waving her hand. y/n made her way over to the table, hugging giselle in the process.

"hey anton." y/n grinned, opening her arms.

"hi you," he replied, hugging her.

"i missed you guys." y/n pouted as she sat down.

yeri walked through the door and instantly spotted the three, and made a beeline towards them.

"heyyyy, i guess i'm gonna use my hard earned money on you. again." yeri deadpanned, emphasizing the last word.

"it's not our fault you're always late to everything." giselle shrugged, "and you have a corporate job."

━˖°˖ ☆ ˖°˖ ━━━━━━━

the quartet chatted for a good hour and a half, catching up with each other, when y/n's phone buzzed loudly on the table, startling her.

"ugh, who's interrupting our tea time?" anton groaned.

y/n stood up abruptly, eye blown wide in utter shock. "i need to go!" she exclaimed, putting her bag on her shoulder.

"what's wrong?" yeri asked, panicking. the other two were just as confused, eyeing y/n's frantic figure leaving the café.

"nothing's wrong. the book, i-uh, it's available! i need to get it!" y/n put her hands together, eyebrows dipped low. "sorry!" she mouthed.

"this girl is hopeless." anton chuckled dryly.

━˖°˖ ☆ ˖°˖ ━━━━━━━

y/n burst open the door, earning glares from students. as she looked for the reception desk, and next to it, she spotted the book on a cart. she speedwalked, as if she were a woman on a mission.

approaching the desk, the librarian came into view, with another student talking to her. "i'd like to borrow this," he pointed to a book. y/n's eyes followed his finger, and the realization hit her like a brick.

"you can't!" she whisper-shouted.

the two turned their heads towards her.

the guy lifted a brow at her remark. "what do you mean?" he replied, "i got here first."

the librarian sighed, shooing them away with her hands. "figure this out elsewhere, kids. find me when you're done." she went back to her computer, fixing her glasses.

the man snatched the book out of the cart, clutching it close to his chest. "this is so stupid." he let out a deep sigh.

"no it's not!" y/n glared at him, crossing her arms.

he ignored her, and started walking briskly towards a secluded part of the library, with her trailing behind him. the tension between the two was high, you could almost feel a sort of heaviness in the air.

once they found a spot with no one around, he looked at her for the first time. his soft boyish facial features contrasted with the frown adorning his face. "look," he stared in her eyes. "i suck at programming... and my project depends on this and i cannot, in any circumstances, fail this class," he uttered, irritation apparent in his voice. he sighed again, ruffling his dark and messy bed of hair out of frustration.

y/n stared back at him, not backing down. "well. i need it too! i might fail my class if i don't have it..." she argued back.

"what's your major?" he suddenly asked, eyeing her skeptically.

"comp sci, why?"

don't they learn this before us? why does she wants this book?

"then you're supposed to be good at this, why would you even need this book? are you a freshman?"

her jaw dropped, as anger started to bubble inside. "what are you insinuating?" retorted y/n.

"nothing." he looked away.

she groaned, as she looked at the ceiling.

what the hell was this dude's problem?!

she put her face in her hands, sighing loudly.

he stared at her exasperated form, remembering the bags under her eyes and her hunched posture. unexpectedly, he felt strange sense of pity—seeing his tired self in her. he recognized in her a kindred spirit; at the end of the day, they both were just trying to succeed in their respective fields.

we both need it, and she's just as desperate as me. although she could be nicer about it... also this conversation is going nowhere, at this rate, we'll be in here the whole night.

he pushed down his ego, and muttered "i have an idea”.

she looked up to him. yet this time, her eyes were met by a softer gaze. "what is it?" she inquired, voice quiet, taken aback by this display. he gulped, his adam's apple bobbing up and down.

"we can read it together if you don't mind..."

'oh boy, what am i getting into?' they both thought.

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anzynai · 3 months ago

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Day 20 - Tease

Sakura & Suo (Windbreaker)

a/n: wrote this at the beginning of october because i read tbe whole manga and loved it. my first (and hopefully not last) windbreaker fic featuring two of my fav losers from the show. anyways, this was my own prompt so.. i hope yall enjoy it anyway <3

——

“gahaha, stohohop ihihit!” the girl on the screen laughed when her boyfriend began tickling her. her hair whipped all over the place as she squirmed around, but her boyfriend was unrelenting in his attack.

even so, the scene seemed so real and so full of love.

it’s just acting. it’s just acting.

“whats this? does tickling also make you blush?”

“HAH?!” sakura whipped his head around, ready to fix suo a glare, but the other paid him no mind.

“i suppose it is a form of affection..” suo continued.

“shut up..”

“don’t worry, i think its cute!” suo ‘reassured’, though it only worsened sakura’s fluster.

“c-cute?!” sakura cried, shocked at the words suo was saying. “i’m not cute at all, do you hear me?”

“speaking of which, are you ticklish?” suo asked, but it sounded more like he was just thinking out loud than actually asking sakura, as he put a finger to his chin.

“i..” don’t know, sakura stopped himself. he had always been alone and that meant there were experiences he never felt before, and it felt a bit pathetic to admit it, even if he knew suo would never judge him for something like that. he pressed his lips into a thin line.

suo turned, looking at the other, with a more neutral expression on his face before a second later, his lips curled up into something more sinister.

“well, let’s say we find out.”

“W-WHAT?! no way you’re doing that!” sakura glared, backing away from suo to the edge of the sofa. he had accidentally caused the remote to fall to the floor, shutting the tv off in the process, but neither of them noticed.

“why not? i’m curious. where are you ticklish?” suo asked, crawling closer over to sakura. sakura froze when he saw that there was no room for him to go. he realized that he could just kick suo off if he really didn’t want this but…

he had never experienced tickling before. he knew what it was, as a concept, but have never actually felt it, and sue him for being a bit curious about what it felt like. and so, when his leg was at the perfect angle to push suo away, he curled in instead.

“oh, are you actually letting me?” suo asked, seeming a bit surprised that sakura hadn’t tried to fight him off.

“s-shut up! i’m just sore so i don’t feel like fighting right now!” bullshit, sakura lives and breathes fighting. “just get it over with!”

“okay~” suo said, repositioning himself so he was sitting next to sakura, who was leaning against the armrest of the sofa.

tentatively, suo began squeezing at sakura’s sides, and sakura immediately bit his lip, feeling laughter already threatening to slip out. it was tingly, itchy, gentle, and it was ticklish.

“oh, you don’t need to resist. i can already see you want to laugh, so why don’t you?”

“i— agh!” sakura giggled when suo touched a particularly sensitive spot on his abdomen.

“you’re blushing so much,” suo commented, and sakura felt his face heat up even more.

“s-suo..!” sakura said, slowly, still trying to resist laughing.

“hm.. here maybe?” suo poked a finger at sakura’s ribs.

“eeh!” sakura gasped at the ticklish jolt he felt. he bit his lip, trying to conceal another sound threatening to pull from his lips, but the second suo did it again… and kept doing it again… “AHAHA, nohoho, s-suo!”

“ah~ there we go!” suo smiled, looking proud.

“gahahaha!” sakura giggled as the ticklish sensation continued.

“who would’ve thought that you would be to ticklish?” suo teased, and sakura looked down, trying to avert his eyes and instead focused on getting suo’s hands away from him.

“plehehehease..!”

“and begging? i’m seeing a new side of you today.” upon hearing those, sakura closed his mouth, but they opened again in laughter almost immediately, finding himself unable to conceal his laughter anymore.

“s-suo! stahahaap!” sakura cried, starting to feel a bit delirious. suo seemed to take him seriously, as he stopped after a few more seconds, and sakura lied there, too exhausted to do anything.

“well, that was fun,” suo replied, a minute later. sakura glared at him, face hotter than the sun, but didn’t say anything. never in his life would he ever admit that he enjoyed his first ever tickle fight.. or as suo would likely say, “tickle attack”.

#tickling #tickle fic #jai’s fic #windbreaker #lee!sakura #ticklish!sakura #ler!suo #augtickletober2024 #tickletober 2024 #tickletober

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pookieismissing09 · 7 months ago

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ok guys i never post on here but heres my take on the sturniolo space camp situation if anyone gives a fuck

SORRY THIS IS SO LONG I DONT EXPECT ANYONE TO READ EVERYTHING NO ONE WILL PROB SEE THIS ANYWAY 💀 ill prob delete this icl its just a lil rant 🥰🥰

and if u disagree with me idc im just expressing my opinions 😭 read the whole thing so i can justify myself before u start attacking me

before i say anything im not just sticking up for nick just because im a fan of the triplets. like some people are only sticking up for him because they hate to admit that he would ever lie or do anything wrong- and they’re defending him with no reasoning other than “he would never 🥺” like stfu. what im saying is that i don’t know for sure whether the ‘bee better’ guy is telling the truth, for all i know he might be chatting utter shit. but if he is telling the truth, then im saying that i understand nick lied but its not necessarily a negative thing.

so like first of all i dont see the issue with nick not being the founder of the brand. like yes i understand its ‘morally wrong’ to lie and its misinformation but i think we will live… it doesnt make any difference to the products or the people who buy them. like ik people say that they only bought it to support nick and they wouldn’t have bought it if they knew it was just some random brand, but its not just some ‘random brand’- they are still supporting nick cos he gets payed for advocating it. by purchasing the products, theyre keeping the brand afloat which means nick will get payed for being the ‘face of the brand’ and doing a good job at advertising. or in simple terms, even if nick isnt the founder of the entire brand he is still a huge part of the company and is definetly getting a fat bag from all of this. like yall are acting like you wouldnt lie if a company said they would pay you to do so- bffr we would all do what nick did.

and the other main thing is everyone is complaining about the price all of a sudden. like if you are all protesting about how nick has nothing to do with the origin of the brand then surely he also wouldn’t be able to control the price? so according to everyone saying the lip balms are not his idea, don’t be mad at nick for the ridiculous pricing if he apparently ‘had nothing to do with it in the first place‘. and aside from that, the pricing literally had nothing to do with the fact that he lied about being the founder- it would probably cost the same either way so why are people only getting worked up about the pricing now that he is being ‘exposed’? like honestly people are just looking for excuses to say he’s a bad person like what 😭

and ik this doesnt have anything to do with spacecamp, but in general these days everyone is saying how the triplets don’t put any effort into their content anymore and only do it for the money. i think you are forgetting that youtube is their full time paying job. doing youtube as a hobby and doing it as a career are completely different- and most people find that when they pursue their hobbies as a career choice they start to enjoy it less since they feel under pressure to perform a certain way (and don’t come at me for saying that because im “babying” the triplets, piss off).

put it this way, people that have high paying jobs that sit in an office all day don’t do that type of work for their enjoyment- they only work in that environment because they want to receive a larger income instead of having an enjoyable job with a poor wage. this is exactly the same as the triplets’ situation, i doubt very much that they actually do youtube for their personal enjoyment. at the end of the day they have to pay the bills and youtube is their only job- its not always going to be fun like it used to be (both for them and for us watching).

and for all of you thinking ‘well they shouldnt be youtubers if they cant entertain people’ you have to understand that getting a different job takes time. like the whole process of finding a career, interviewing etc. and as well as that, they are probably terrified to even consider looking for another career because of their batshit crazy fans (including me 💀). like can we just cut them some slack and let them get on with their job 😭. and at the end of the day they cant just stop being youtubers, they will never be able to live their lives as regular people now that they have created their platform- i doubt they will ever do anything else bc of the fear of being recognised in public whilst they are doing a more “normal” job.

and for the love of god this is NOT me saying that the triplets are gonna quit youtube. like i said, its their full time job. im just giving my opinion on people saying they are only doing it for the money- and quite honestly they are, but is that really such a bad thing? like im sorry but they aren’t just posting for our entertainment, they need money one way or another.

also is anyone else excited for the stream later like i hope nick will say something about all this and not just stay quiet until it all blows over

i think thats all i was gonna say i cant remember but if theres more then i will say 😘😘😘 sorry i waffle alot

#sturniolo #sturniolo triplets #nick sturniolo #matt sturniolo #chris sturniolo #space camp #nicolas sturniolo #matthew sturniolo #christoper sturniolo #sturniolo fanfic

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diodellet · 21 days ago

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🎆HAPPY SNEW SYEAR🐍

tldr 2024 felt like a decade, but i wouldnt trade away any of the little joys i found—interacting with oomfs, writing fun fanfic, and reading some damn good writing.

to my readers, both frequent and new, thank you for dropping by my little corner of the internet.

and to my mutuals (imagine im holding yall like that👇) thank you for enabling my shenaniganery, i plan to keep up the energy for this year YALL ARE STUCK WITH ME UNTIL THIS WEBSITE CROAKS (jk yalls interactions mean lot to this shy bean, thanks💕💕)

(senti!dio gets sappy and personal under the cut so, beware feelings)

according to ao3, i've written a total of 14,507 words for the year of 2024 but after manually plugging the numbers in, i've actually written (published?) 27,877 words for 2024👁💥👁💥��👁💥👁💥👁💥💥👁

i still havent hit 100k written words on ao3 but by god i will Get there dammit

(if im reaaaally gonna be nitpicky, i had to write 20k words for my thesis as well, so that makes it a total of ~47k words? maybe more if i count my rambly tags?)

i realize that i have a problem of minimizing things. mostly to cope with the bad, but also consequently dismissing the good.

2024 had some intense bad days, but it also gave me some of my happiest days++some achievements i never thought id be able to make (still struggling to list em down, girlie sometimes gets caught up in overthinking about whether they Are achievements in comparison to what my peers have accomplished, but imma work on that. eventually.)

maybe it's a lingering scar from the pandemic, to not have any expectations, to not set any goals unless i wanted to set myself up for feeling like a failure. the lockdown started right at the end of my senior year in hs so i just have 2 years of [insert static noises] lingering in the back of my mind. part of me was bracing itself for something like that to happen again.

but it didn't?

art and fandom are one of my biggest comforts, but i like to enjoy them mainly on the fringes. its how i unwind and its also how i process my emotions, i didn't need to burden other people with that. i'd rather burden my readers with the brainworms that ive been spinning in my head like laundry, thank you very much.

there's a sense of catharsis in willingly sharing my art and writing with you all. it's something that's been talked about in my classes but not something that i thought i'd get to experience first-hand. and my heart is so full with appreciation that this little blorbo(s?) who refuses to leave my mind was the start of these friendships.

maybe it's true that you get whatever energy you put out? in my wishes to see more jamil fanfic, ive made a lil space for the jamilnatics? it's been great seeing all the art and fic and general brainrot on my dash 💕im a simple girliepop at heart 💕💕

anyways, thanks for enjoying the stuff i put on my blog, i'm still a slow writer but i've still got plenty of stories to share.

#new years is over once *i* say it is jklmao #for-dellet #don't have any definitive plans #but i know which wips have been waiting to be worked on #ill get those out eventually #don't know if i'll try hosting another event... but ik ill definitely switch it up from drabble requests #just need to plan that out better

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j1g-s4w · 1 year ago

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Do Something About It.

By j1g-s4w

A/N: I wrote this in like 5 hours while sitting in class and doing absolutely nothing at all. I kept thinking about what Adam must’ve felt and what he went through in those few days alone. Hope yall enjoy, it’s not my best work but it’s content 🌀

Word count: 3,680

Character count: 19,025

‼️WARNING‼️

This content is a little graphic. Talk of rotting bodies, pee and poo. If you are uncomfortable with reading about those sorts of things, either do I not read or read with discretion.

Day 1

“Game over.”

The man looming in the now dimly lit doorway pulled the heavy door shut, leaving Adam completely swallowed in darkness. His ankle strained against the metal chain binding him to the rusty wall pipe, his right arm outstretched, reaching out to the hope he once had, and his throat raw from his screamed out sobs. His body went limp after a moment of begging and wailing for mercy. The shot wound in his shoulder was inflamed and swelling. As he lay on the now blood stained tile, he brought his hand up to his shoulder and grasped it tightly, hoping to stop some of the bleeding. The pain was like a sharp burn. It reminded him of his 6th birthday party, when Scott Tibbs, his best friend at the time, had stabbed him with a rusty nail. It was the same burning sensation in his new wound that he had felt once before. The same burning sensation filled in his throat, another feeling that he was all too familiar with. His mind drifted to the man who had left him that wound. His eyes began to pool, and he wept as he still held his shoulder. The pain was almost unbearable, but it was all he left to remember that man by.

“Lawrence..”

Adam continued to sob and his mind was left racing with thoughts of where Lawrence could be or if he was really coming back.

A few minutes passed, his sobs came to a gradual stop. He remained on the floor, staring up at the ceiling to allow his eyes to adjust to the pitch black bathroom. Lying in the dark like this reminded him of the many nights he’d lose power and would have to navigate through his dark and cluttered apartment. Adam was often exhausted from his ‘day job’ so the dark never bothered him much. Come to think of it now, he never really used that much electricity anyways. All of the bill always went to the damn dark room equipment. It was like a loop. Process the photos, make money off of those photos, and use that money to pay the bill to make more photos. He had forgotten to pay the electric bill quite a few times, and he had forgotten again about a week ago. Last night, when he had come home to process his newest pictures, he had fallen asleep at his desk, which he did often. Waking up a few hours later in complete darkness wasn’t a shock, but it was certainly annoying. He remembered grabbing his flashlight.. no batteries. He remembered hearing something. Grabbing his camera. That doll. And he remembered opening that closet. If he had just swung his bat as soon as he opened it, this could’ve all been avoided. He could’ve gone on with his life. The little life he had anyways.

Adam had always wanted to be a vet growing up, but he was never really good in school. Maybe if he had swung that bat, he would’ve still had a chance. Then this bathroom would’ve remained empty, painless, and quiet. But Adam knew he wouldn’t become a vet. He would’ve remained himself; pathetic, poor, and a voyeur. And that man. The blonde man who once stood at the opposite side of the room. He would’ve remained a nameless man who stood as Adam’s muse. His model and his work of art. His source of financial income and a secret he kept to himself. But that man did have a name. And he had a job, a wife, a child, and a secret of his own. Adam didn’t care though, at least not before. Lawrence may have only been a project to him, but now he wasn’t so sure anymore. The 6 hours that were spent together with him showed Adam that he was in fact a human, too. He may have been cold, maybe even condescending at times, but he knew Lawrence cared about his family. Adam had family too, but seeing someone act out of pure desperation and insanity just to see their family again made him question things. He knew he needed to reach out to his mom again. He thought about it a lot. But now, he meant it. He kept telling himself that once he got out, once he was free, he’d call his mom and apologize. Maybe he’d even apply to vet school.

There was a stray cat that would hang out in the stairwell of his apartment building. Every day and every night, anytime he’d see the cat, he’d give it a gentle stroke and then be on his way. In his head, he had named the cat Flash, but he knew that if he ever said it out loud, he’d grow too attached to the thing and he couldn’t afford a cat anyways. Now, he’d do anything to see that cat again.

His eyes had adjusted to the dark and he crooked his head up to look over to the door. How he wished that door would open to reveal Lawrence back with help, or someone who had just stumbled upon the place. Or even the damn cat. But the door stayed shut and the air remained stale and still. The pain in his shoulder hadn’t fully subsided, but he was now used to the pulsing and the sting. He sat up from the floor and his eyes were instantly planted on the corpse in front of him. The man that he had beaten to death. Panic had set it once again and he used all of the leg strength he had to push it as far from him as he could. The metal chain dragging and scraping the floor made him cringe and he could feel himself becoming angry again. He reached up the wall and rose to his feet to try and get a better grasp on what to do, if he could even do anything. His eyes were squinted, not a single drop of light anywhere, and the room was too dark to make out any real details. He raised his hands to his head and began to sway and pace slightly to calm himself down. He felt hopeless. It felt like hours had passed when it had only been 20 minutes. Adam sat himself on the edge of the bathtub and cupped his head in his hands. They were filthy. One stained a slight yellowish brown color up to the elbow and both covered in dust, dirt, and blood. But it just looked like a black stain now in the darkness.

While sitting in the silence, any sound, drip, or creek made his eyes shoot open with hope. 20 minutes turned into 30, then 40, then an hour. He had sat himself back in the corner on the floor and rested his head against the broken wall tiles. He doesn’t remember when, or even how he fell asleep, but he had woken up feeling groggy after a few hours had passed. There was no telling in what time it was or how long it had been now. When his eyes fully opened, he was hit with realization that this wasn’t a bad dream. He sighed heavily and the deep breath he took in smelled of mildew and rot. It was enough to make him gag, but he was able to hold down the urge to vomit. That would only make things worse. His body felt sticky and hot. He reached to the hem of his blood soaked shirt and pulled it up and over his head. His shoulder ached, the bullet was still nested deep inside, but surely the doctor who put it there knew what he was doing. Adam knew that his body would be too weak to fight off any sort of infection. He tossed his ruined shirt off to the side and brought his hand up to the injured shoulder. His breathing was now heavy, and the pain was getting worse. It felt like a burning welt or blister. The bullet was practically begging to come out. He took a few shaky breaths and placed his fingers onto the entrance of the wound. He sucked the air through his teeth, his fingers felt like fire next to his new bodily trauma. He held his breath and slowly but firmly inched his fingers into the hole. His eyes filled with tears as he choked for air. He let out a suppressed scream as he inched in deeper, finally feeling where the bullet had been lodged. Taking a few seconds to regain some strength, he takes another deep breath, but this time is unaffected by the odorized air and is too focused on this agonizing self procedure. He grabs the bullet between his finger and thumb and starts to pull. The pain is like nothing he had ever experienced before. His face was wet with tears and spit as he continued to pull and scream to fight off the pain. Finally, his fingers and the bullet withdrew from the wound and he was brought a feeling of slight relief. The pain was still present, but now it felt empty. No more pressure, and a hope that it may start to heal normally now.

Adam held the bullet tightly in his hand, not really knowing why. He took a few slow breaths and closed his eyes. The room was still hot and he was covered in his own blood, tears, spit and sweat. He longed to take a shower or even a nice bath. As a kid, his mom would always run him a bath after a long day of playing outside. His eyes shot open and his gaze adverted to the dark and dingy bathtub.

“As if.”

He knew he would never take another bath again. The thought of being submerged in water in such a small space; it would be like waking up in here all over again. Adam reached over to his damp, balled up shirt and used the very few spots without blood to try and soak up some of his sweat. It was really no use, he’d just end up sweating more. But he did anything he could right now to pass the time. But it didn’t even feel like time was passing. He felt like he was waiting for nothing now, but he still sat and waited. What else was there to do?

Adam still had the bullet in his grip and he brought it closer to his face to try and get a good look at it. It was slightly sticky from the slow drying blood all over it, but he didn’t really register that. As he stared at it, his mind went back to that doctor. The look of his face when he was sprawled out in front of Adam and wailing about his wife and daughter. He wondered if Lawrence meant to shoot him in the shoulder, or if it was a ‘happy’ accident. Maybe Lawrence had been so far gone in that moment, he didn’t care if Adam lived or died. But he did live, and he didn’t understand why.

Adam was never very religious, but right now, he couldn’t help but look at that bullet and wonder. If God wasn’t real, then why did he survive? Was it out of pure coincidence, or was someone or something ensuring his survival? No. He knew there was no way that any god would allow any of this to happen. Even though he had survived, he still has to live with everything that happened. He wrapped his fist tightly around the bullet and considered chucking it across the room. But he couldn’t do it. In his hand, he held the only thing that kept him connected to that doctor. To Lawrence. His only hope for freedom and survival now.

He threw his head back and leaned against the wall once again, still holding the bullet tightly. His shoulder was still pulsing, his face red from tears, and his whole body stiff and sore. All he could do was wait.

Day 2

Adam opened his eyes once again to still find himself in the same spot. The hunger in his stomach had become too hard to ignore and his bladder felt like a balloon. He reached his hand up to search for a pipe to help lift him off the ground. His body started to feel weak and it ached all over. He shifted his way over to the tub and unbuttoned his jeans so he could at least take a piss. His head felt heavy and the darkness started to play into his disorientation. As he leaned over the tub, the piss hit loud against the rusty metal. The heat and lack of ventilation caused the smell of fresh urine to infect the air, but Adam was too desensitized to notice. Once he was finished, he dropped back down to the floor in front of the tub and sighed. His head was pounding. Probably from fear.

Was Lawrence even coming back? How long had it been? He brushed the hair out of his face with his hand. The room was getting hotter by the second and he was drenched in sweat. The smell of the room had caught up with him now and it filled his nostrils with stale, thick air. It smelled now like piss, rot and iron. He put his hand on his mouth, gagging again at the smell but repressing any sort of need to puke.

All the attention was now suddenly on the door. A clatter was heard from the other side. Could it be Lawrence? Was he finally back? Was he finally going to be able to experience freedom again?

He waited..

Silence.

He waited a little longer.

More silence.

He was able to call out.

“Hello..?”

His throat was dry and his voice was raspy. He couldn’t even remember the last time he had water, but now it was all he wanted. All he wanted was water, a shower, that stupid cat and that stupid fucking doctor.

He felt angry and annoyed when there was no response. He grabbed a small piece of the broken tile off the floor and threw it across the room. He felt betrayed. Abandoned. Deep down he knew he wasn’t getting out of there. He reached down to throw another peice of tile, but his hand landed back on the bullet. He picked it up and examined it in his fingers. And he felt the sadness and pain raise in his stomach. He wanted to cry, he wanted to scream. He wanted to get the hell out of that room. He clutched the bullet in his fist now and threw it. It made a clattering noise before it landed in its new permanent home, and the room fell completely silent once again.

As he sat there, now feeling helpless, he thought about the people who might look for him if they ever noticed. He wanted to believe that Lawrence would come back, but by the looks of it, he may have been dead. His body somewhere a few feet outside the door, decaying while Adam sits and waits for him. His savior who will never arrive.

His mother would probably never know. She’d continue on thinking her son just stopped calling. Stopped caring. The only person he could think of that might actually ‘care’ was Scott. He knew that Scott would only care though because he takes pictures for Scott’s band. One no-show and Scott would be livid. At least it meant a shot at hope.

Adam’s eyes felt heavy. There was nothing else to do in this room but sleep and think. And he couldn’t fight the mental exhaustion that pulled him back into slumber. His head was leaning on the bathtub edge and the hard floor started to hurt his ass. But he didn’t want to move. He could feel depression settling into him. His dreams were only a replay of the things that happened a day prior. Only in the dream, it was Adam that had sawed off his own foot. And it was Adam who had pointed that gun at Lawrence and pulled the trigger. Seeing Lawrence fall to the ground with a lifeless thud made Adam jump awake. The sudden movement sent a sharp pain to his shoulder, still agape and probably infected despite his makeshift extraction. His neck was stiff, but he tried to look around the room. Nothing had changed. The adrenaline in his chest died down and his mind was brought back to his bitter reality. Somehow though, the dream felt worse. At least in the room now, it’s quiet. And he’s alone.

Adam dragged himself along the floor and back into his corner, and sat with his knees now pressed against his bare chest. His mind was left wandering, constantly on the thought of what happened to Lawrence. He had made a promise that he would come back, so something had to have happened. As Adam thought about it, he thought that maybe the same nameless man who rose from the dead and locked him in this room, killed Lawrence too. But he could feel something in his gut telling him that Lawrence was okay. That he was alive. That feeling made him sick. He didn’t know how to truly feel towards that man now. He wanted to hate him. To resent him. But he still held onto that hope that maybe he’d walk through that door and maybe everything would be alright. Maybe.

Day 3

Adam had passed out with his head on his knees. When he woke, he was already used to the hazy sight and stink of the room. His neck and back were stiff, and the sweat that coated his body was thick and sticky. His felt dizzy, which helped distract him a bit from the pain everywhere else in his body. He let his legs fall down to the floor, and he sat there limp. Every now and then, he’d feel a sharp pain from his stomach. The man was starving. He rested his hands gently across his stomach and squeezed his eyes closed. Right then, Adam began to pray. He didn’t know who he was praying to, or what he was praying for. Tears started to seep from his eyes. All he could do was beg.

“Please please please please..please…please…”

His begging for mercy turned into sobs. He felt truly alone and afraid. He was afraid of dying alone. Being forgotten. It seemed as though he already had been. Lawrence wasn’t coming. No one was coming.

He felt useless. He thought about what that man on the tape said. Adam was ‘angry and apathetic. But mostly just pathetic’. Even now his anger was present, but had no energy to show for it. However his apathy had been changed forever. He had learned something from this so called ‘game’ and it was that everyone, no matter who, is a person. A human being with a life that must be cherished and taken care of. If he was able to learn, then why was he still being punished? Did Lawrence learn anything? No. But his game wasn’t about learning. That may have been the goal, but he did what he did out of desperation. He did what he did because he couldn’t handle losing. If he had learned something, then he would’ve come back for Adam.

The passing hours all blurred together. Adam had no clue how long he had been there now. He was ready to give up. His body was weakening and his sweat glaze caused him to start shivering. He grabbed for his shirt, still bunched up next to him and put it back over his head, aching. The blood was dry and caked into the shirt, but he didn’t care. His now cold body felt weaker than it ever had. He dropped his arms to his sides out of exhaustion and he let his head rest against the pipes behind him. He didn’t care to do anything else now. All he wanted was sleep.

Day 4

He hadn’t moved an inch since he had dozed off. His chest was barely moving as he breathed. He was still alive physically, but mentally he was already dead. He had let go of hope. In his half awake state, he thought he had heard someone open the door and maybe even a flash of light. But he convinced himself it wasn’t real. It was a dream.

But then he felt the touch of another human being. He tried to open his eyes, but the light from the flashlight was too bright for him now. He could hear the voice of a woman. Her voice felt familiar, but he couldn’t figure out how, and he didn’t care. He felt hope and happiness wash over him as she tried to move his body. He was far weaker than he had been previously, and wasn’t able to hold himself up well. He could still hear her talking, but wasn’t focusing on her words. He couldn’t. He didn’t want to. He was ready to be free again. He thought about his mother and how he would call her as soon as he could. He thought about that stupid cat- Flash. And how he’d take him in. For once, Adam felt excited about living.

It was all ripped away from him when he felt that plastic wrapping cover his face. It was like getting locked in that room again. He wanted to fight. He wanted to punch, hit, kick and scream. But he couldn’t. His body and mind were too far gone. He tried, but to no avail. In his last moments, the tape replayed in his head again. ‘You might be in the room that you die in. So are you going to watch yourself die today Adam? Or do something about it?’

He may have won his game, but he never did anything about it. He won because Lawrence cheated. And he lost for the very same reason.

🌀

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thehumanversionofthishellsite · 2 years ago

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may or may not have stayed up all night reading this book as soon as I could get my hands on it but anyway I have some thoughts and most of them are screaming.

I really loved the book. Did it have flaws? Yes. Do I care? No. I'm 22, the targeted age range is something like 10-16. When I first got into this series I was the same age as nico. It's been a long journey getting older and changing and healing. Seeing that for Nico was all I really wanted from this book.

Also, realistic relationship struggles and growth!! Loved that!! Having a chronic illness is hard, your partner watching you suffer with it is also hard for them!! Having conversations and misunderstandings and awkward moments is how it goes!! After being in a 3 year relationship with someone I love very much I'm like,,, yes!! Thank you!! I have lifelong chronic illness!! It's not going away I gotta learn to live with it it's a part of me!! My partner struggles with it but is trying so hard and I love them so much!!! But I'm so much more than a pile of suffering and that's the point!!! You choose to keep trying and that's the point the book makes!! there's a whole scene about it and it's so important!!! Will starts to be more accepting and understanding and we love to see it! Nico accepts he needs to let himself move on and that it's ok to do that and not be angry with your past self for trying to stay alive!!

I make no sense and I don't care. But also, they're cringey and memey and dumb. They're hysterical and going a little bit crazy and they love each other and like, I'm not ok. Neither are they. Its been an extremely stressful week for them.

And I don't think it's super out of character because we barely know these people!! Nico has been suffering and in survival mode almost the whole time we have known him!! Will has been a background character most of the time!! Nico was a bubbly 10 year old and Will was like 4 sentences. Nico has made occasional/awkward/dark jokes and Will was shown to be stubborn and concerned and caring because demigods are ridiculously hard to keep alive. Let them be weird and cringey they're literal teenagers. Have you been in a high school with people obnoxiously dating. They are. The worst.

Broke: camp is empty because people wanna see their families

Woke: camp is empty because will and nico are just that couple who are cringe 100% of the time and everyone just noped out

I know I keep getting sidetracked but. Point is. nico and will seem out of character because of circumstances and time skips probably. Nicos finally in a stable place and can actually process things, mans is curious about the world he's in no wonder he's a memelord the internet just does that to you. People change when they're not in survival mode, I definitely am not the same person I was when I was 16. Not even the same person I was when I was 18. Or 20. Like, mental health glow ups bring out some of the best parts of you.

AND THANK YOU PIPER I FEEL SO SEEN RN, don't know what label I fit under, I am confusion but it's ok!! I am a big ole ace spectrum mess and maybe tomorrow it'll be different! Either way the book had a lot of great moments and no it's not the same as old rr books but it was never gonna be, the nostalgia associated with the original pjo series means nothing will ever live up to those books and that's kind of just life for some of yall. fuck knows I crave the joy I felt playing crash bandicoot for the first time. I miss that time of my life and it's ok to miss that but it's also ok to move forward and find new things that bring life joy and meaning!!

anyway. I enjoyed the sun and the star and I will continue to enjoy it regardless of what other people think, I can like things just because I do, or just because they make me happy. And this book definitely made me happy. Also holy fuck I need some sleep. Sorry about all the exclamation points it's all that's keeping me awake!!

#tsats spoilers #the sun and the star spoilers #solangelo spoilers #nico and will #damn #im tired #solangelo

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unclassedguy · 8 months ago

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Jjk 261 leaks ahead:

Alright I was going to post about this in the morning but I got distracted and needed time to process everything anyways.

I don't usually share my thoughts on the new chapters publicly but I will make an exception now 😔.

Yap incoming

ok, so there were a lot of theories floating around before 261 about if we would actually be getting a gojo comeback or not. Honestly, some people pointed out why gojo reviving might not be the best decision for the story, but I was placing bets on it anyways because I too was pretty bummed by his end and also because my naive self chose to believe it was the most likely choice for gege to make.

However I did try to keep my hopes reasonable, choosing to belive that it could just be a hallucination.

Truthfully, I didn't think it would be Kenjaku. I'd seen the theory that it could be them but I honestly doubted gege would do that. Yet in the depths of my copium filled soul I had always been holding onto the hope that kenjaku would somehow return to the story. When I tell you my secret little stash of cope was as potent as some gojo fans im telling the truth 😭.

I honestly hoped maybe it would be kenjaku, just maybe. This morning I sought out the leaks and you know what I saw? This:

I was DYING. For a second I thought gege had really done, I was in disbelief, I was in shock, I briefly wondered if this was a joke.

AND THEN I WAS SO HAPPY. I was like: Yes! Answers! Yuji-kenjaku interactions! An unexpected twist in the fight! Forget the logistics of how kenjaku ended up in Gojo's body, I was going to trust gege's cooking and enjoy the chapter before taking a step back and critiquing anything.

And then I read that it wasn't kenjaku. It was Yuta using kenjaku's ct.

I didn't want to belive it could be Yuta. Of all the outcome I thought it CANNOT be Yuta. Not possibly. BUT IT WAS. IT WAS YUTA.

I have felt emotional when consuming media before, and sometimes underwhelmed or critical when something didn't rub me the right way, but I'd never understood people who act so utterly devastated by an author's decisions.

I UNDERSTAND NOW.

I've been mourning all day man 😭. My gojo cope, my kenjaku cope, all of it down the drain just like that AND ALL AT ONCE. I genuinely am not sure what about this chapter gas prompted such emotion in me. Am I lobotomized after all? I choose to belive its the sheer shock of this chapters events.

Tbh, I read the rest of the chapter in a bit of a daze and I'd have to go back and look over it again to share any actual thoughts or analysis, but I will says some other things stood out at me about it.

first of all, I don't hate Yuta. He's not my favorite character but I don't hate him and I wish the best to you yuta fans, however yall are feeling. his line about how the others are so worried about becoming monsters, unknowing that they've forced that role onto gojo all this time hit pretty hard for me. And now Yuta is taking on the same role since gojo's gone. He's strong and is not just taking Gojo's body but in a way taking on his position as the 'monster' of the jujutsu world, even if only for the dubious amount of time he had left.

Also the way sukuna just, punches yuji aside 😭. Nahh. The disrespect. He rlly just sees yuta in gojo's body and tosses yuji away. Rlly hope my boy beats him up next chapter and it doesn't become a yuta-one-man-show.

Overall I'm dying, I'm crying, I'm gritting my teeth, I miss kenjaku, I miss gojo, rip yuta 😭

(Please gege give me my wife back. Even just a kenjaku flashback is enough. Gege pls.)

#Sorry for yapping #jujutsu kaisen #jjk #kenjaku #jjk kenjaku #jjk leaks #chapter 261 #jjk chapter 261 #Jjk spoilers #yuji itadori #yuta okkotsu #gojo satoru #sukuna

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duochromium · 1 year ago

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thought i’d make an “ongoing projects list” for the few who are gonna go to my profile and read this so here is the december 11 2023 deer fanfic status report, ordered from highest priority to lowest priority, where for once i actually go into detail about the wip projects of mine

first on our list is a fanfic i started on saturday night, ‘The Ferryman’. it’s a short oneshot focusing on Eiki, Komachi, and their boss/worker dynamic and also what their life actually is like over in higan. the premise is just eiki joining komachi on break to go skip stones and talk and they eventually just start talking about how they actually view the other, friendship development heartfelt moment etc etc (it is NOT yuri. i would NEVER write about women falling in love)

it’s the first in a series of unconnected oneshots where i write about characters i’ve never studied before (credits to riguren for the idea). it’s not gonna have much going on and all of the works in the series will probably be really light hearted. i’m most likely doing Satori next since the one time i’ve written her seriously she was just Grumpy because i haven’t studied her before. anyways this oneshot series is going to contain zero romance because i want to explore more non-romantic relationships but dw more homosexuality coming soon

ferryman is currently 1,022 words

second in my priority list is a fic I started all the way back in late July. this one is OLD old. the title is, i shit you not,

‘You know the song by Phil Collins, "In the Air of the Night" about that guy who coulda saved that other guy from drownin' but didn't, then Phil saw it all, then at a show he found him?’

it fits in the ao3 title character limit. i’ve checked. the title has literally no connection to the story itself. it’s a line from Eminem - Stan. i’ll get to how i came up with it later.

so the actual premise is flandre is bored so sakuya takes her on a night walk, then the two creeps meet the grassroots trio (wakasagihime, sekibanki, and kagerou if yall dk) and it’s basically just flandre having no social skills and the grassroots being absolutely terrified of these two widely known and feared people in gensokyo who are actually much politer than they ever could have expected. it also contains a yukkuri joke that i am considering writing out because it didn’t land well

as for how i got to the name, here is a message i sent to my friend on discord three days after starting it:

so my thought process was basically:

“ok well maybe call it night walk”

“nah too boring. maybe something that describes a specific aspect?”

“oh I could call it ‘in the air of the night’ which is some phrase I heard somewhere”

“hey where did I hear that phrase”

“oh yeah an Eminem lyric”

“Fuck it. Title it the original Eminem lyric.”

hilarious yes i know. in the air of the night is currently 2,488 words (I ONLY PICKED IT BACK UP RECENTLY FORGIVE ME)

third up is that elusive “Experimental Oneshot” i’ve been talking about in my notes for the past two months. it is called “They Beat The Shit Out of Each Other at The End” for obvious reasons. it’s basically just a crackship except they’re friends instead of lovers

so our first protagonist is reimu. she’s really lonely and sad so she gets even more lonely and sad and also way too drunk and lies on her front porch all night crying because what else do you do

our second protagonist is cirno. she’s walking through the forest at like 2am alone because she wants to challenge reimu to a rematch. and also because she’s a dumbass

the two meet and through cirno’s stubbornness and reimu’s drunkenness the two are locked in a stalemate on reimu’s front porch which eventually leads to actual conversation and before you know it they’re actually starting to enjoy each other’s company

eventually day breaks and cirno still wants that fight so it happens and the entire second half of the fic, the fight, is just a really long “hmm rumia ex? what if there was cirno ex where she was just ice goku” joke and she kind of kicks reimu’s shit in. it’s gonna be great and she is not going to respect spell card rules at all

currently 2,778 words

numba four is uhh. actually this one is probably above the night walk one so consider it second place it’s modern technology chapter 4. sanae and reimu and marisa play a game of monopoly together and get really fucking mad. that’s the entire premise. only 701 words so far i know that is nothing but i have NOT been on my a game lately. gonna be peak though i swear it

and that is all, actually! i also have many unstarted ideas, i might do a sequel to this post tomorrow where i talk about those

thank you for reading (no tags this one is only 4 my loyal followers)

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kenobster · 1 year ago

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I haven’t seen you post anything on ao3 since July, did I miss something??? (referring to your zero notes zero kudos post)

No, you didn't miss anything on my ao3. I've just been going through an Anakin whump phase on my tumblr lately (with answers to asks and miscellaneous posts and fanart -- some of which I already deleted when they got 0 notes, including a fanart I posted today. So even if you go looking, you wouldn't find all of them). So because of that, whether or not it's true, it personally feels like ppl aren't interested in certain things I'm excited about (tho the like.... three or four people who have shown interest, tyvm). And I'm really grateful to everyone who has read my fics on ao3. If I didn't have that huge bewildering amount of support to fall back on, I'm sure I'd be a lot worse off. So I greatly appreciate that. And at the very least, if all else fails, my mom will show support for all of my posts/fanart/fics lmao. Anyway, so I'm well aware lots of ppl dont have those things to rely on, so I'm hella not trying to take them for granted. ❤️ I'm very grateful and feel very lucky that so many people have said such kind and heartfelt things about my writing.

But there are certain things I still carry a lot of shame for liking. No one could ever make me feel ashamed about 5PE, but my biggest dream is to one day draw Anakin dubconnishly sucking Palpatine's dick. And my favorite fic universe to fantasize abt rn is the Vader Mpreg one. And those are things I do feel ashamed for liking at times. So when those are the things I post (currently on tumblr) that get 0 attention (esp when other things are getting attention), it sorta starts to reinforce the shame I'm already feeling.

Like, I spent 8 hours yesterday drawing that fanart I posted (which I deleted a few minutes ago). I skipped dinner and stayed late at work for 2 hours on Friday to finish writing this post on my work computer (bc my personal pc crashes if i try to make tumblr posts). Did I make either post to get notes? No. It was fun for me. Just the process of it was fun for me. I enjoyed myself so much!!! Totally worth it.

But do I regret posting them publicly instead of just keeping them for myself and my friends? ... Honestly, yeah, I kinda do.

Probably people did like the posts but are afraid to be seen liking things so dark and deranged. And like, that's okay, because I'm brave, I'm super brave, and I will be the first to post any deranged content out of any group of people. But I have limits, too. And if people are willing to read 5PE or shadow AU but not willing to read about Vader's uterus, then I start to feel less brave. :/ And I start to become demoralized over other things too.

Like, I was set to post chapter 10 of 5PE this weekend, but I haven't been able to work on it. Every Shadow, being less dark, is even harder to work on. Because if my perception is that ppl find me sick and grotesque and deranged for my most fucked up ideas (that's my perception, not necessarily reality), then it hurts to have my tamer content be supported instead.

Is that fair to yall? No, not at all. Am I trying to guilt trip anyone? Absolutely not. It's just a current unfortunate reality that's bumming me out, and there's not much anyone can do to change it. I just gotta let the feelings run their course.

Anyway thanks for reaching out anon. I feel better having been able to air all of this. Though I'll probably still step away to some extent (how long? who knows. The depressive episode will decide. But prob not for that long.

#sorry for mistakes i typed this on my phone #kb post #reply #anon

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cyanghostcat · 1 year ago

Text

YOO THAT KEYBOARD IS SICK

also to add onto the first post

line break cus,, ... i may have went on a rant, sozz but it's not worth deleting the past few minutes.

i wish i was more than the stereotype, but currently i'm not. i have a partner! i have friends! i'm not helpful to capitalism!! which is a really fucking good thing for my moral compass, right now and forever!

... but i also wish i was more than that. i wish i had a job that i liked, i wish i got paid for work that i enjoyed, i wish money didn't exist so i could just work for fun instead of being forced to to exist, to live, to love and to enjoy existence. but since that isn't happening, i have to push myself to work for capitalism.

sure i'll work for society, that's not a problem i have. i just don't want to work for a system i refute. i'll work retail cus i like clothes. i'll work bookstores or libraries cus i like physical media, so so much. hell, i'll work in food service if i have to, just so i can work in a place i genuinely enjoy the food of - not for the discount, but for the process of making and/or selling it. the learnt experience of knowing how to do something i love the result of, meaning i can get that result if i want whenever i want. i just don't want to work for capitalism. for the sake of needing money.

i don't have all that many hobbies. sure, i can say i watch videos online, usually video essays; i play idle or incremental games on average, but sometimes switch it up with a little puzzle game or something with friends like terraria or whatnot; i talk to people online, these are all "hobbies" because they're activities i enjoy doing. but none of them are particularily crafty. and i *want* to do crafty. girl wants to use mage hand to build lego shit, girl wants to build wooden shit too, girl wants to learn how to draw, how to model and rig, hell how to model for cameras and rig for my gf (and maybe full polycule). there's so much i want to do on a more intense and in-depth level, and so much i want to start doing/get better at doing, stuff i want to make into hobbies! but i can't, cus i'm forced into the workforce. i'm forced into labour roles, into positions i don't like - and not because they're out of my comfort zone, but that they shouldn't be anyone's comfort zone - and that's supposed to be a "good" thing?? that's supposed to be a "healthy member for society"??? if it's healthy, why is everyone in this type of position depressed or anxious? fun fact: it's not because they're trans, because this issue is actually a generalised one, but to focus on trans people specifically is mandatory for this decade's social justice thing, so if it's not because they're trans, what is it? hm? what makes us, that want to enjoy jobs but are forced to work jobs, upset and unable to be happy about said jobs?

god this was such a rant and i'm sorry for anyone who decided to read it. god i'm sorry for infodumping on yall, it's not cause pain meds are fucking me up cus i'm hella sure they're doing fuckall anyway, it's cus i'm just pissed that i can't do anything, for myself or for society either around me or as a whole.

long story short, i'm pissed. but i still need a job. and once i get it, and once i get out of the environment that's forcing me to get a job so i can live happily, then i can start having productive hobbies. then i can feel ready to move out of this house, and into either one on my own, or one with friends or partners. something, anything, but the right now.

i'm ready to move on. emotionally, mentally, physically, i am ready.

it all comes down to motivation. not the reasons behind things, that's what readiness is. that's what i've explained up above. motivation is the drive. the urge, the want, the passion, the push off of the cliff into the great unknown.

i'm ready to get pushed. i have my wings ready.

when will that push come? soon. as soon as it wants to rear its ugly head. and there's no better time to show one's true face than right now.

have a nice day, be kind to yourself, and find what motivates you. don't let go of it, cus you don't want to know how hard it is to get it back. seeya.

the “trans people are all useless jobless sensitive losers who contribute nothing to society. get a hobby smh” stereotype is funny to me because, in my experience, trans people love nothing more than their little hobbies. that should be the stereotype. these fucking trans people won’t stop crocheting scarves and programming video games and learning how to make swords and weaving baskets out of plastic bags. half the time when i text a trans person they’re like “sorry for the late reply i was building a mechanical keyboard from scratch”

#this was too long #i'm sorry

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