#anyway we met on tumblr for those that didnt know

[myowndesertplaces]

So, um, KB and I got engaged over Thanksgiving. So that's fun.

[cosmossystem]

on the topic of "sysmeds* have gotten louder recently" i just want to ramble and give my optimist perspective on it really because i dont think its the full story. (*and if you have a problem with me using that term, stick around and youll see why i use it.)

for context i formed as a fictive alter in about mid to late 2016. we were going through a lot of rapid splits and shutdowns at this time. many of the people who split would get forcibly dormant just days later, including me, and im lucky that i got out of it because i know a lot of those alters back then didnt. normally i wouldnt call all of us alters, but this was a very trauma-heavy time and we were going through heavily fragmented periods with dissociation and amnesia. we couldnt accept that we were plural.

anyway, point is that we were in plural spaces around then, and i took over as the host in december of that year as i broke up with my shitty in-system persecutor boyfriend (thats a story for a different day.)

so its 2017 and im 12, turning 13 soon, both inner and outer. we are a rapidly growing system of 13, no 20, no 41-- and then soon its back down to about 30, where it will stay for the next 8 years. but in the mean time, me and my new partner, jam, are learning to pilot a flesh-mech on the fly and letting ourselves be cringy tweenagers. we take over the tumblr blogs (most of which are anti-cgl blogs, which is very ironic considering some of our members now do that) and we start journalling. more importantly, in late 2017 i make my own blog and i start chatting. im basically the only person fronting about 70% of the time and im a huge yapper so it starts to take off.

i post art. i wont say what specifically i do or what fandom its for but the gist is that i run a requests blog. (im sure, if you were in a very specific sect of fandom around then, you could probably guess who i am and what blog i ran, but i doubt that will happen here. if it does, keep it to yourself.)

and i get really popular. im talkin hundreds, at one point thousands of followers. i wake up every day to a dozen asks and i fulfill them and i talk about my day with the people in my askbox. i tell them about my disability, about my boyfriends (later, husbands), and i tell them about my plurality. sometimes i get into the weeds of discourse, but i try not to. mind you, im about 13 or 14 and im the staunchest pro-queer, pro-endo, pro-tucute tween you would have ever met. still not quite all there on the pro-kink or pro-ship fronts, but that didnt cause me any issues at that point, and i wouldnt figure it out for another two or so years. anyway, people are usually nice to me and i am nice, if not a bit impassioned, back.

most of the people i speak to on this blog are singlets. but being that this particular fandom is mostly made of younger people like me (at this point anyway) many of them are curious about plurality or plural themselves. funny enough, while i remember discussing a lot of my plurality and explaining what it meant, i dont recall a whole lot of people arguing over it. no one ever sent me anon hate saying that i didnt exist and that didosddsdosod was the only way to be plural. i DO recall getting dogpiled on numerous occasions because this was during the height of ace discourse, mogai drama, and right at the rise of the whole "bi-lesbians-dont-exist" thing, so most of my controversy covered those.

but on several occasions i explained to singlets what a system was, and what it meant that i was "married" to my headmates, and i met so many people who said they were also plural, and i even helped a few realize they were plural. i truly look at that with a sense of pride and joy because how many people get to say they helped someone realize an important aspect of themself/ves? how many people are out there living their life as single when theyre actually more than one? how many didnt know that word existed until a stranger happily explained it to them, before realizing that word applied to them? its one thing to be gay and know youre gay, its another to go your entire life without realizing that being gay is an option until one day it dawns on you and the next youre out and proud. being plural is like that. its world-altering. most dont realize its an option until theyre told.

its not necessarily that system spaces didnt have their problems. from singlets, there was more curiosity. system spaces were still very much divided, but for the most part sysmeds stuck to their corner and mostly only argued when argued with. that word, mind you, did not exist at the time, we just called em "anti endos". i dont remember when or how that term was coined, but theres a good reason we call them that now, and its because they would say the same shit to me that transmeds would. regardless, i dont doubt that there were probably issues of them going out of their way to harass people, but i cant recall any and it never happened to us, so make of that what you will.

in those times, i experienced more transphobia, homophobia, and aphobia than i did anything else. when i did see sysmeds, it was in their own little bubble. i think the broader world didnt care so much about plurality and didnt know that sysmedicalism was a thing that could happen until maybe a couple of years ago now, and back then, it was treated purely with curiosity and intrigue instead of hate.

but "system spaces" have always had an anti-endo side, and i know this because i was one.

i havent said as much up until now, but in those early days of journaling, it was maybe for a year or so that we were anti-endo. couldnt tell you what changed really, but i think it was just a growing exhaustion of hearing about how terrible and awful and cruel and disgusting those evil, evil endos were. a lot of sysmeds like to proclaim their 'one true real genuine method' of being plural is the only one, and since the start we were never going to fit into that mold-- we were and are fictive heavy, in-system relationships, able to change forms in headspace, no dissociative amnesia, very little memory loss and practically no multi-consciousness, the works. but it was there and it wasnt very pretty. i am grateful i didnt internalize too much of it, didnt spread it very much, and we got out when we did because it was toxic enough back then and its worse now.

i should say that i dont think necessarily there is a rise in sysmedicalism similar to, say, the trend of label policing (a la bi lesbians) or ace discourse at its peak. while that does happen with minority labels when theyre suddenly thrust into the spotlight of the week, plurality has not had that moment yet (thank god, knock on wood it never does) and so far the only way this has happened is with a few isolated incidents that i know of, maybe im wrong. but i think its moreso that the plural community has grown to crazy heights with the rise of more people discovering it and understanding themselves, and naturally there would be a proportional rise in sysmedicalism too. the only main difference maybe is now that we have bigger platforms like tiktok and twitter, and we have prominent plural resources like pluralkit and simply plural, and with the rise in political unrest-- all of those things contribute to this rise in sysmedicalism. they have more visibility and a loud voice despite being the minority, and so they get their fifteen seconds of fame.

i guess i get it. theyre angry. theyre upset that the world is injust. they think theyre allowed-- encouraged, even, or that its their right-- to come into a community that has been building itself for the past several decades on inclusion and resource-sharing and cause a commotion. they have a disorder, they have trauma, they DESERVE to be listened to and they dont want to see their very debilitating disorder being mocked like this, or whatever it is they say. unfortunately they are the terfs of this community, and i can say that because ive been dealing with those too for the past decade also.

what im trying to get across is this: plurals have existed forever. this community has existed for decades at this point, maybe centuries. with every progressive movement there will be a counter-movement, and this one is no exception, they just happen to be particularly loud right now. as we grow in numbers, so does our visibility, and so does theirs. the plural community is fine. it continue to be fine. there is nothing happening right now to us that hasnt already happened a billion times before, and there is no sysmedicalist piece of shit on this planet that can destroy us. theyve been trying for as long as weve existed and they never succeed. keep going, keep telling people about us, keep existing and keep doing your best. be louder than them.

red

[wildshona]

I was chatting to two or three guys here on Tumblr yesterday when I had to break off to chat to the electrician who was working on a lighting fault. He had been a bit of a distraction all morning to be honest. he was in his late twenties i suppose and had short blonde hair, blue eyes and what looked like a nice body. i flirted a bit and made him coffee you know the way you do. he had met Chris when he first arrived but Chris went out for a meeting and it was very obvious that Mark the electrician thought that i was Chris's daughter lol. thats the way the flirting ran. dont know how old he thought i was cos he asked me what school i went to. i told him i had left school so i suppose as far as he was concerned i was anywhere between 16 and 19 and single.

well i was just wearing a short skirt and a tight tee that showed my hard nipples and i was aware i shouldnt put a man off when he is working with electricity but he was kinda hot and my nipples responded to that. so did my knickerless cunt which was very wet.

he got the lights fixed and we flirted around for a bit, and he had another coffee and by this time he was gettin distracted by my nipsa nd it was fun,

did he have another job to go to, no. what time will ur dad be home? late. i pulled my legs up n rested my chin on my knees. there was no way he couldnt see my cunt.

he stoppped speaking and that was ok cos i was on my knees then and getting his cock out. it wasnt big, average say but it had a nice shape and it tasted nice. and he knew how to use it. he worried that i might not be very experienced so i went all girly and told him id only had one bf before lol if onlt he knew.

he was going to fuck me on the couch but i took him into the guest bedroom . i mean all those mirrors lol and i like watching mysef get fucked. he started missionary but then put me doggy and was gentle at first asking me if it was alright and he wasnt hurting me. theer are times when acting the coy inexperienced girl really doesnt work cos i wanted to scream fuck me like a slut.

anyway i moved against him and go the pace going he got the message, he even asked me where i wanted him to cum

where do u want i said. i like to cum on a girls face he said

go on then. id cum about three times so i was ready and there was a lot of the stuff. fuck i was covered. and i did let some drip into my mouth which he thought was really great,

bless he was sweet. he asked me if i ever went clubbin. yeah i said. do you want to go out some time. ok. i gave him my number. he left.

i thought about it a bit and decided that i needed my doggy dildo to get off a acouple more times.

chris and i went out for dinner cos somehow i didnt fancy cooking.

[undeadbanjos]

Pls tell us about the divorce over fic

pffft yeah okay. but i warn, it's not as fun as it sounds. so. tw for an abusive marriage/relationship.

story time.

so those who follow me currently probably know me primarlily for being one of three people crazy over wishshipping or joey wheeler in general in the yugioh fandom. particularly writing a good 80+ chapter long fic.

however. this was not my first fic. my first fic... was for in space with markiplier.

for those who dont know, markiplier (yes, the youtuber) actually has his own series of (mostly) choose your own adventure videos. and theyre all connected. his last series of videos was split into two massive parts, and he did this q&a after it was all said and done and someone asked if he'd ever do a part 3.

he said, "no, that's up to one of you guys to write."

well after 3 days of obsessively checking ao3 no one had taken up that challenge and even though i had never written a piece of fiction in my life the hyperfixation was so strong i sat down and started writing.

and dear god something came over me. i had 8 chapters written in the span of a day.

for a while, id post two chapters a day. which is...insane. like why the fuck did i do that? but eventually i managed to narrow it down to one chapter a day (which i know is still insane and for some fucking reason is what i currently do when in my writing fits.)

being this manic long fic writer that came out of no where i started to get some attention. memes were made in support of my story. people were talking about it. hell, i started to make friends, really a first for me in fandom space. someone made a joke about making a discord server. i asked if that was a legitimate interest to anyone and i got an overwhelming yes from several people so, i made one.

my husband at the time, found out i was doing something different in my off time. i'd put the baby to bed and go to my computer and start writing. i was laughing a lot more and checking my phone a lot (for fic comments, a habit i still have while in my posting fits). finally he confronted me.

"What is it you're doing on your phone all the time?"

"I.... wrote a fanfic. I get a lot of comments."

"Is it a smut?"

annoyed, I confessed that yes, there were a few smut chapters. He asked if he could read it. I gave him the link.

he was deeply disturbed by the smut. (He didn't even read the rest of it. like....the actual story I was writing.) the smut? I mean dude you could go look at it but I mean it's pretty vanilla sex between two consenting fictional adults, but whatever. I knew he wouldn't like it. at this point in our marriage he had already stated everything I liked was annoying.

anyway. when he found out I had made friends... he got really upset. he didn't want me to have other "influences tainting my mind." i shot him back with the fact he has friends online, so why couldn't i? he didn't like it, but he warned me to be careful.

then i met sitch.

those of you who know me are nodding their head. ah, yes sitch. those who have stumbled upon this rambling probably can tell this is where the story takes a turn because i know how to set things up. by god ive written like 160 chapters of fanfiction at this point.

anywho. this guy comments on my fic and asks permission to make fanart for it. this was so fucking wild to me. fanart? for MY fic? like who would have thought. i reply enthusiastically with a yes and tell him im on tumblr so please tag me so i can see it. a few days pass and i get a dm. it's the same guy. he's made the fanart. i love it. we chat a little about the fic. about in space. about music. slowly it starts creeping into talking about life. about anything, everything. it was kinda wild how i had met someone and felt like ive known him forever. this of course, is sitch. when the discord thing came up, i decided to ask him for help, because i literally didnt even have a discord at the time.

sitch helps me with the discord. we find some mods. we open the floodgates. swear to god about 40-50 people come in. some are more chatty than others. we all chat like good friends. i update the fic daily. we all find out we relate to each other a lot. we have movie nights and game nights. i continue writing the fic, even getting help from sitch at this point. he's become sort of my beta reader. (and now he's my editor thank god the yujou means friendship people have no idea how blessed they are)

i realize. fuck. these people...really relate to me. like me even. and i like them.

and sitch....sitch in particular...i really like.

i am in deep shit.

at this point, my husband is making it well known how much he disapproves how im spending my time. not that... he wanted to spend time with me though? he locked himself in his office and would play his own games. what he didnt like is i had found people that i relate to. that i could talk to. meanwhile i was reaching the point i was afraid to say literally anything around him.

at this point, he started teasing me about "having a crush on markiplier" and he would "joke" about me leaving him for markiplier or some shit. He started arguing with me about sexuality and gender out of no where, knowing what my stance was on it.

I don't really want to get into what my breaking point was.

A few weeks went by. I started to confide in my friends, and I started to confide in Sitch. One night, my brain came up with some logic that if I told him about the feelings I was developing (because they were only growing) he would reject me and we'd laugh it off.

Unfortunately it wasn't so simple.

For a week we were in this odd stalemate. Living in different countries but talking constantly. Having essentially an emotional affair, but knowing there was nothing really to do. I had no belief that I could make it on my own, and I knew I would get a lot of backlash from my family if I were to leave my husband. The weekend came and my husband got it out of me. I had feelings for one of my online friends. And I had confessed it to him.

My husband took my laptop and went through the messages. All of them. i fled to my parents house and tried to warn sitch that he had my laptop.

The next day, my husband convinced me I needed to delete everything. The discord server. My Tumblr. Even the fic. He essentially convinced me I was at an all time low of horribleness, and I believed him.

A week later I couldn't take it anymore. I missed my friends. Id sadly felt more loved by them than anyone around me. Which yeah, is pretty damn pathetic. I left my husband, and found my friends had already made a new discord, waiting for me. They had downloaded the fic, which I slowly re-uploaded and eventually finished. And sitch and I slowly built our relationship, have now met in person, and we're hoping he's able to move down here soon.

So yeah. I wrote a Markiplier fanfic and it led to me getting a divorce. Which honestly, thank god. I don't want to think about what would have happened to me if I hadn't.

[the-whispers-of-death]

thinking about mārītes girlfriend rn and how they would even like. happen.

imagining them starting off as just online friends who later realize "oh fuck. we're both in the uk!!!! we should meet up!!!" (much to the hesitance of sylvester) but maybe he ended up being like "fuck it youre 16. youre basically a grown up. go. call me if you need to get a ride back. and dont tell stone i dont need him freaking out, love you have fun" and thats that

imagining them first talking to each other at like maybe 13 or so, so theyve had a *while* to get to know each other. yknow. late night calls and messaging each other constantly

i wanna say that the GF is one of those classic nerdy types, because i love the trope thats nerd x jock (well mārītes not *really* a jock but she does do a lot of sports and loves being outside, while admittedly, not doing the best at school itself)

also until i think of a proper like. english-sounding name for her, she'll just have to stick with being "the girlfriend" because such is the oc creation process at times

i feel like they only actually started dating a few months after they met irl and were like "oh okay you didnt kill me in the 1st meeting. sick. anyways."

i imagine the GF, while being a nerd, if extremely extroverted as well, going hand in fucking hand w mārīte. loves attention and people and affection

oh. and i think shes human. for the most part.

slooowly forming an image of her in my mind and. its just one of those 2014 tumblr hipster outfits. like. side-braid, big round glasses, flannels and skinny ripped jeans. yeah. i feel like that channels whatever the fuck she might be

wait a fucking name just came to me. along with a full on dialogue line from her: "yeah, my names katie, but call me kat. yknow. like, meow :33" and then just a horrified realization that her gf is a cat hybrid, followed by confusing feelings about what just came out of her mouth and if that might offend mārīte (it didnt. shes on the fucking floor, wheezing at that because "what the FUCK do you mean by "yknow like MEOW"???"

anyways. Katie. yeah. last name? shrug emoji,,,

stumped now between making her parents either dead or super rich. hm.. decisions decisions... wait no i just made a decision: she should live in her late-parents home still (thats literally A Fucking Palace) under the care of one of the maids there, whos basically a surrogate mother

i think this derailed a little and is all over the place. but yknow i come up with these things as i type the ask so what else am i expecting lol

also dont tell stone one of his daughters is now dating a basically-millionaire 17 y/o who's parents disappeared under mysterious circumstances. yeah. i feel like hed just about die

~ rusty

It's okay because Stone's other daughter, Saira, posted a picture of herself kissing a mystery woman at a pride parade Stone had no idea she had even gone to and he's freaking out about that.

Mārīte and Saira are just out here making Stone worry.

[sankttealeaf]

If you could relive any of your memories, which would it be?

oh of course!!! i answered this before but tumblr decided to not post it so i gotta retype everything out again 😭

anyway - i have a few notable memories i'd love to relive and i cant pick between them!! so you get them all <3

first up: seeing critical role live in october last year! such a fun experience, especially because most of my friends i met through CR and the mighty nein have such a dear place in my heart. it was such a fun experience (despite the... merch issues grrrrr) and i want to be back in that room singing along to 'your turn to roll' with 12,500 other people!!

(little did we know, two days later we would meet taliesin jaffe and get to tell him how amazing the show was!!!!)

second up: sitting in the saloon after our first show at an immersive cowboy/steampunk experience in london with my friends last year, talking about if we should book tickets to come back for the afternoon tomorrow because we spent so much time interacting with the cast we didnt manage to complete many of the trails. it was such a fun and giddy moment i love it! we've gone back (almost) every season (its where we met taliesin) and its so much fun. the cast are recognizing us. its so silly <3

third is graduating from uni in 2021! i didnt think id be able to graduate with my friends because in 2020 i was diagnosed with crohn's disease and it got to the point where i was considering what would happen if i needed to take a break from uni to deal with my health. i didnt want to, and luckily the medication i started later that year worked quickly so i could do my work without being in so much pain. graduated with a 2:1 in animation!!

fourth is watching shooting stars in my friends garden. we laid outside for a while and watched them all and it was so nice!!

fifth and final memory id love to relive is the last night of camping with my friends last year, where we sat around the fire and sung musical theatre songs together and my friend braided my hair and i slept in a warm tent. it was so fun despite how many ups and downs i had over those few days!! (notable runner up for this one is the night before where i did tarot readings for some of them and laughed so hard i started my period)

needless to say i love my friends and any memories i have with them i cherish so dearly!!! if any of them are reading this: im pointing to you! i love you!! youre so cool!!! thank you for being my friend!!!! 💛💛💛💛

shouldve kept this to one but i just. i love my friends and i want to talk about the fun things i get to do with them. i cant wait to make more memories together<3

thank you for the ask!!! this was fun!!

[angelhummel]

We talking about Kurt now? I'd like to point out something curious lol, don't know the purpose but I find it interesting, so, lately on my Facebook I've seen a lot of Kurt/Chris hate posts, and I mean like almost every glee page, calling him mostly envious of Lea, and rude, and the same with Kurt, whereas Lea is really praised and excused with 'yeah but she apologized', I myself I'm no Lea hater, I really like her, she's so talented and I believe she deserves everything she's getting, but I also know that if I met her in real life I'd probably wouldn't be friends with her, anyway so this is in Facebook latin america mostly, now off to tumblr where I assume I mostly follow exterior people idk, it's totally the opposite, of course it might also have to do with the accounts I follow, but I also see the tags of accounts I don't follow, and I've found this pattern of just general fondness or love for Kurt/Chris, and hate for Lea, so now neither seems to be my safe place, go into Facebook see Kurt/Chris/Klaine hate (whatever happened to the Klaine shippers? :c ), go into tumblr see Lea hate, of course there's the tag blocking or whatever but Idk for some reason I keep finding those lol

lmao yeah guarantee that no matter how hard you try to block shit you dont wanna see, its still gonna come thru

also wow, facebook sounds like a wasteland for the glee fandom askfjsdl i didnt know that was still a thing. truthfully i didnt know anyone was still active on there. but also like glee tumblr is barely tolerable for me (lots of curating and blocking, as we said) but its the only place i have. and everything people have told me about tiktok or twitter or reddit sounds sooooo much worse. so im thankful its as good as it is here. or at least on here it's easier to avoid the shitty takes you dont wanna see :P

and like yeahhh obviously i understand why people wouldnt like lea but at this point its like. just shut up about it, y'know?? it's so not worth it to keep getting mad over whatever she does. sorry if it sounds rude but at this point ive lost all interest in the cast outside of the show. happy for whatever projects they've got going buuut that's about it

(not saying anything bad if you still follow them but anyone who IS following them just to be assholes are sooo annoying like let it go and talk about anything else alsjfklsd)

[cheezburgerrr]

Sometimes i think to myself maybe i should’ve never left home when i did and i always wonder what that would’ve looked like and im still curious but i know i wouldnt have so many things like i would’ve never met my partner and all of this i wouldn’t be moving to another state at the end of the year but like

what would’ve been the good parts in staying. i would still have a mother i guess but i mean she’s a horrible person so its good i dont gave her in my life but i guess i still miss her because i miss the presence of a “mother” even though a lot of the time she wasn’t one but the times she was it was really nice but it was always soured whenever i remembered and thought about how she would treat me regularly

just feeling lonely tonight and it sucks that i’ll never truly have a mother ever again and i mean i know my partners mother is there for me and i even call her mum but i just kind of hate the idea of family and her actually replacing my mother. its really weird. i have a really weird relationship with family anyway because its like i dont miss having a family per se but i do at the same times but i find it offputting and jarring to do “family things” like having a family dinner or board game/movie night because we never did those things growing up we would eat in our rooms by ourselves and i just grew up really independent and. i wish i didnt sometimes because i feel like now that im in a relationship im too dependent on my partner and i feel like im not really a person anymore without him

but i know i am because i can function without him but i hate functioning without him i just feel sluggish and like everything is in slow mo and im on autopilot and sometimes i just wish i could go back to my old life because i dont want to be an adult i just wish i was a kid again even though i was being abused i dont know i blocked a lot of it out so i dont even know anymore. maybe it was ok. i dont remember anything about my childhood all i know is i had a dog at one point when i was 3 and then we had to get rid of her because we moved house and we moved houses like a lot when i was a young kid and i still dont know why but we never got any other pets and i wasnt allowed to hang out with our neighbours kids so i had no friends growing up and one time i invited one of the neighbours kids to my house and we played and my mum got really mad at me when she got home (after she left because my grandma told my mum and she forced the other girl to go home) and told me that i would get r*ped i dont know why she said that i was only 8 years old

i hate thinking about my childhood but im not having a very good night and ill be sad if this gets flagged or taken down because im talking but i dont really know how tumblr works and what posts get taken down so im just going to censor some things because im writing these posts for myself while my counsellor is away because i dont remember what i want to talk about a lot and there are some important things i should talk about that i forget about and i think she would probably want to know about this

if anyone out there that isn’t me who is actually reading this i hope you are having a good day or night and thank you for reading everything i have to say. i hope you’re doing well i’m going to try and go to bed now and i hope i can sleep ok

i love you make sure you drink water and know that there is someone out there who cares about you

[rfks-brain-worms]

Content warning on just, yeah its just me cutting my guts out and putting them on display for just maybe somebody to read, it’s gonna be long though as i want to just be understood. but I finally am at peace now tonight.

Nobody likes an traumatized autistic kid with parents who split up and had some nice emotional neglect to match, so I learned to what I now know as masking, I did everything I could to be quick witted and funny, not sure I achieved that but I made friends. They only liked me when I was funny however, if I ever acted like myself they always left, that was for sure. If I was not being funny I was trying to be the smartest well behaved kid in class despite the breaks that happened. friends left constantly and I only had myself to blame to be honest, sometimes I was an asshole and I think I still am based off how certain social interactions go. But i was not that sad, I expected it, sometimes it was me who stopped hanging out with them. I could tell it was gonna end soon anyways.

In middle school, despite it being nicknamed ghetto-lawn, I got into the gifted program and I found people like me, traumatized kids who are “so mature for your age!” Like what a nice way to say the childhood wonder has left a person so early. But, it was nice, never told anybody anything though and still masked but they didnt leave when it broke occasionally, it was a nice change of pace. We all wanted to end our lives but at least we had each other, the forever united cool kids, Aka FUCK.

Then quarantine hit, i never got their phone numbers as we all were weird about phones with our parents and to be fair I dont think I meant much to them but either way I lost them. I was not good for the next two years, blamed myself a bit. But I wanted to see people hurt, I became a bigoted for a bit online in dark RP’s, I just wanted people to feel rejection. I snapped out of it after making friends with a few furries and just fixing myself on that. still hate myself for that year.

Nothing much happened for a year besides losing like 70% of my sanity cursing out internet friends and calling them liars and leaving every friend I came across before they could disappear, doing it on my terms.

It was a bad day and I was talking with a person I met in a backrooms discord server and I just spilled my guts out about my stepdad and acted more like myself for once just to see if they would leave if I acted like that, plus it didnt hurt to finally vent about it all.

she didnt leave of reject me however, she didnt approach it with crazy kindness like others would have, I don’t like when people are super kind to me, especially out of pity, they usually want something.

we became internet friends, it was nice I had my bouts of mood swings and mental breaks but with the help of another friend I made I stayed. Lets call her D.

D helped me realize somethings and I came out as nonbinary, not even nonbinary as thats defined still, I hate being defined, but I like being understood. And she got me, more than others. She was like my older clone (just a year and a half), and it was the nicest time of my life, being understood, at least a little bit, and not being rejected. We had our pointless arguements of course, but those were for fun.

I joined tumblr, got back into art, i was a micro-celebrity of a small fandom I guess, I made friends I got better mentally despite my uncles death, thats a whole can of worms on its own but yeah.

i made friends, I was masking generally but I made friends, for some reason people thought I was cool. ME, being cool? I became the cooler anon, it was amazing, I made art for characters I liked, a artist I looked up to said they were proud of me. I cried badly when everybody realized I did art. I was even in a silly mutuals hunger games thing, people thought I was colorblind for BULLSHIT reasons. I was happy I think.

then my moms anemia got really bad, we thought it was leukemia, my mom did use to smoke so cancer was not a crazy idea, she gave me a pocket watch which I found weird but it said she will always love me on it, my parents have gotten better over the years but having a person you look up to yell at you while your bleeding cant be taken away. I love them still, I’m proud of them. But i thought she was gonna die. I started trying to surround myself with as much talk and banter as possible, just couldn't stand it, the moments before the wind.

I was being a clown again because I hoped to make somebody laugh because thats the only way I feel better. Everybody was disagreeing with me over a pointless argument and so I said I was modern day jesus, D pointed out he was not white so I corrected myself and said “I’m modern day white jesus christ.”, for the bit. But then one of my friends said “SHUT UP CRACKER.”.

I just kinda fazed out mentally then, id been called that before and everybody was going along with it, I was not expecting it and I hadnt been called that in years, with everything going on I just left, deleted my tumblr, left all my friends and left D.

I loved D, platonically at least. She got me, she was the best friend I ever made in life and I left. I dont know if she cared but I dont think she did which is for the best. I spiraled right back down to where I was at the start of 2022 again. Friends tried to contact me but there is no going back.

it was bad for a few months, contacted D again for a brief bit but i left because I felt for certain there was no healing that.

I made a new tumblr, reconnected with a og tumblr moot who I barely spoke with and that leads to here.

tonight I think I helped somebody but am unsure. I left another discord, and just saw this post and sat watching out at this:

There was cars passing by and the most beautiful song playing, it was in polish and there was no name to the song and I just sat and you know what.

I’m fine with how things are now, no changing the past, they are all gone now, I will always care for D and remember her, she changed me. I will never forget my time being happy for once in this fucking black comedy I call my life. It was worth not jumping out that window, I got to, for like half a year, be happy. I had somebody who got me. I had friends, I had somebody who understood me a lot more than anybody else has. I finally felt solace with what has happened to me in that fucking moment, listening to a nice song I dont understand the lyrics to watching cars go by in the middle of the night where I live.

I was delt a mediocre hand in life and thats that, I will always care and I will never forget, if I could spent a hundred years arguing with D over ketchup and normal potato chips again, I think I would. But thats not happening now and I think im finally fine with that. Always just keep moving forward.

people die randomly without closure, I dont think I’ll ever get closure, but at least I have found some solace with this shitty world filled with so many wonderful people.

why don't you look out a stranger's window and a glimpse of a life completely different and very like yours and remember we're all interconnected. and maybe you'll calm down.

[anarchistbitch]

IIIIIIIIIIIII bloody hate tumblr, Ive been trying to get all the songs we've reced each other into a playlist but it is not showing me all our asks and the ones it does show me are not in order and i wanted it to be in order ugggghhh im stabbing the screen right now mentally,

anyway at work my team is making a playlist so we can listen to everyone's music taste and here's the link to it, add some in my name please and thankyou<333 https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4KeIWHO0lqkpDjXFPxWB7v?si=MToywKdbQM2JdiQWq1se6Q&pt=5d863cd3287ba2fae6b8184d7edce597

xhjdsflsdkf it's so always so funny and embarrassing remembering how this all started, all because i was too shy to take off the anon, but hey, here we are <3

and god yes, monaco is perfect for a roadtrip, it is also perfect for this one fic that i read back around 2019 or 2018, just yesterday i was talking about it with a friend bc it was HUGE fic in the fandom, to the point that there was discourse about the fic which is just fucking ridiculous but anyway, you see, idk if you heard about vld but that shit was huge here on tumblr and i was motherfucking obsessed and then the fandom grew very very large and it just kind of imploded but that's not important, the fic was a current time au where the characters were fake dating for a family reunion and the post breakup-bc-we-caught-feelings-but-we-think-the-other-didnt scene would be SO good with Monaco on the background, tasty 👌🏻

re:the job, yeap, ive been working since february bc i needed a break from uni and this way i justified it to myself and actually work has been so good for me for real, ive met a bunch of people that have become close friends, work has allowed me so much rest compared to mfucking architecture, it's also allowing me to pay for a psychologist which is great and yeah, overall a positive experience, the only problem is that now i dont wanna quit working but i know that i cant both work and continue with architecture, and it is making me question how much of my life i am willing to give to this career, bc i feel so much better now mentally, even my friends have told me how different i seem and how much better i seem to be doing right now that im not at uni and just *slowly slips down from the chair into the floor dramatically*

and you're right in both accounts lmao, it's hot as hell outside, especially since i just went home for the weekend and jesus christ the heat and humidity there are no fucking joke i tell you, on the plus side i came back by plane and that was so nice, right before take off i was SO nervous but after we did i really enjoyed it, it helps that it turned 8 hours in a cramped seat into half an hour in a slightly less cramped seat lol, some of the pics i took bc i couldnt help myself will follow this paragraph that just ran away from me literally but anyways, it's horribly hot outside but at work they always have the bloody aircon either too high or too low, no in between with those people

the edit also had me on sliding dramatically to the floor holy shit, the song fits Miles so well and im just 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 it's so easy to have that part get stuck in your head btw, i halfway think about it and i have it stuck in my head for at least the next hour

song rec of the ask: heaven iowa by fall out boy, i fucking love fall out boy, they're my band for real

-M, aka Denisse, aka blue iconed mutual who wanted you to know bc they had a major crush on you but didnt want you to know bc she is shy as fuck aka just a silly goofy person who covers her eyes and groans when she thinks too much about the anon asking bc they get embarrassed easily jsfhjds byyye love you, take care, sending you tons of hugsssss

back to old traditions-> me answering every ask 3 weeks late😔

oooooh lemme search them up and make a playlist later :)) i mostly have them in my liked akshually

what if i added oli london huh. what if i added peppa pig🤨oink wsbdfjkerkjh idk if i had good song recs rn but ill try to add smth later :3

. . . . .

do i . a person whos been on tumblr for almost 8 ish years know about Voltron:Legendary Defenders - the ships from which top the tumblr ecosystem almost every year- the fandom from which i have trauma(not actually but i did cry at shiro's implied death and subsequent clonign lmaooo😭😭😭)

dm me the link bby🤙🏽🤙🏽[i stated on the side of. ahem . omegaverse/werewolves plus soulmate aus]

im glad that youre happy with ur job!!! im entirely unqualified to give any career advice [seriously though -my chosen career is like. its good but its also like 7 years of studying and idek know if i should pursue it rnnn] so honestly🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂

honestly im just real glad that ur doing good <3 being in college/uni is both good and bad but hey its not like you cant go back to it at anytime yk? you'd be doing incredible things anyway, it'll just have different terms

ahh the weather here is so shit it's always on the edge of raining and then its like nah😜

i actually like love airplane pics on insta , also the mountains!!!! my old flat used to be near a mountain and i miss it so much😭

i couldnt see atsv in theatres cause of so many things but i finally saw it and it was. like actually life changing . and also i have to fuck miguel o hara btw

OH MAN. i need to confess smth. me and my friends had , a file. like a plastic file with paper with lyrics to FOB songs that we used to write in our free periods and sing in the back of the class😭😭 i miss it so much [it being time. place, ppl. yk how it is]

so much for stardust ended up being one of my fav albums of their forever- after mania and save rock and roll

[but seriously the words 'scar-crossed lovers' brought back the 14yr old geek obsessed with fantasy books in me out again]

😳😳😳

omg well heres to my blue iconned mutual who i wouldve been dming a lot sooner had i been a lit bit more brave but am ultimately glad to have known even after a little longer

much love and many hugs 😚😚😚

[3style3]

being creative on the internet as an outlet is a topic that i am passionate about & i have so much to say.. so i'll put it here.. keep reading if you want to, but its just a history of me and my connection to the internet as a whole, may crosspost this later lol ヾ(￣▽￣) \

ever since i was a little girl, i used the internet to express myself.. dress up games to tumblr, all of it, was used as an outlet. my earliest memory was playing dressup doll games on the computer & watching clips of lucky star in 240p quality while listening to vocaloid in my living room as a small small child, of course, my mom was cooking dinner during all of this, so i can smell dinner when i think of that memory.. germany, 8 pm, shes making banana pudding & tuna sandwiches for me and her while my dad is working.. its such a sweet thing to think of now that i come to think about it..♪(´▽｀) way before i discovered the bitterness of the world, the world to me was just schnuffel bunny & vocaloid..

i never had many friends growing up. i had maybe three actual friends IRL, i was severely bullied before going on to become homeschooled from third grade all the way up to highschool, which i went on to do online schooling for that aswell because quite frankly, i was terrified of leaving my house due to my increasing social anxiety along with quarantine happening about ~2 years into my school life. anyways, thats enough backstory, back to my main point.

anywho, i've been expressing myself online for a LONG time as you can tell, i first began uploading my animations and artwork to youtube in 2016..? and i went on to upload my music to soundcloud in 2018. i made a lot of online friends, and even had a partner who i met online which lasted around 4 years. which doesnt sound impressive until i tell you, we began dating in MIDDLE SCHOOL! we dated all the way until.. i was almost 16? lol..

the internet was my refuge and escape from various traumas that had happened to me over the course of the past few years, traumas i was too scared to go to therapy or even open up for, so i'd express my pain on anonymous accounts and abandon them later on. i have countless deviantart accounts that i used purely for vent art and nothing else, that i would later abandon once i realized people could probably tell it was me.

darkness aside, i have many good memories involving uploading my work online aswell, from my various soundcloud aliases to my various artist aliases, one of which would become extremely successful due to my original characters when i was 14, i later abandoned this alias for safety reasons that i won't get into here.. along with all of the fanfiction i read and wrote when i was 12.. so.. much.. fanfiction.. specifically bandom fanfiction, do you all remember bandom?? bandom was a nice time on the internet, we were all just having so much fun on those "___ is ____'s song" and "bandomconfessions" accounts.. no fear of judgement or anything, we could just write stories where we dated our favorite band member and others thought it was the coolest thing to ever grace this planet..

i feel like, without the internet i wouldnt be who i am today, okay, i will admit, i went through some edgy phases to try to fit in with the cishet white kids online since.. being me online was hard! i had to participate in edginess or else run the risk of being called heinous.. heinous things. i was a huge leafyishere fan (now that i think about it.. ew!) and frequented boards of 4chan that i'd never frequent now that i'm older and you know.. have a soul that isnt as dark as the void?

i feel like. . . . if i didnt have the internet at the age i did, i wouldnt had discovered stuff that was lifechanging to me, for example GTBSG was just purely by chance, 10 year old me poking around on soundcloud, youtube, tumblr and twitter, just looking for something, anything new to stimulate my little senses.. and i found it! that group literally and figuratively changed my life in the best sense possible. i feel like i found my calling through their music.

i think that.. no matter how bad and judgemental the internet gets, it'll always be important to me, like yeah, i hate how social media operates nowadays, and all the microtrends that results in so much waste and landfills getting bigger, but if you focus on yourself, delete tiktok, stop doomscrolling, the internet is fun, once you go back to putting in the effort to find new websites, to read peoples personal pages and shrines.. the internet feels a lot more alive again. the internet was taken over by corporations but theres people trying to take it back, even if its a vocal minority, we're still here, and those people who put in the effort mean more to me than they'll ever know.. o(*￣▽￣*)o

i love you internet, even if you suck sometimes.

[alvie-pines]

you're right, i did phrase this too aggressively. i also didnt consider that the people with those takes might be victims themselves--i only saw people "siding with" their favorite character.

full disclosure, i was extremely frustrated because i was over the moon to see earthspark's portrayal of abuse and felt it had a nuance and take on it that i never got to see & that was really beneficial to me as a survivor, so coming on tumblr and seeing several posts about the new episodes saying it was awful and they wish they never even brought up starscream's abuse made me feel shitty. (i think yours was one of them, but i think i saw others too)

but i should not have channeled my frustration into such a targeted post & i should have thought on it more before saying anything.

now to the more personal part:

like i said, i am a victim--two abusers, physical, verbal, medical, emotional. for me, one of my abusers is my biological mother. she is highly concerned with looking like a good parent, and always trying to put on a show of having "changed" even though the changes are usually surface-level at best. YEARS of my teenage life have been spent feeling guilty for not "accepting" her changes and coming back to her with an open heart after being hurt time and again. i say this to set the scene for my reaction to starscream & megatron's relationship.

in tfe, megatron is supposed to be redeemed. he's become a better person, a kinder person, and tried to leave his past as a tyrant behind. starscream, however, still holds bitterness towards him for the way he was treated. we don't know the extent of it, but looking at other universes, we can guess physical and verbal abuse.

but here's the thing that stuck with me: at the end, megatron offers starscream a safe place under his watch. starscream says "no place is safe if its with you," and leaves to find his own safety, with his seekers. megatron lets him go. nobody judges starscream for not wanting to be around megatron even though he has changed greatly since they last met. and megatron seems accepting of the fact that starscream doesn't want to see him. megatron was allowed to grow and change by the narrative, but at the same time, the narrative never condemned starscream for not being comfortable with him or liking him.

for me, that was HUGE, and i never get to see it because if abusers are redeemed in media their victims are pretty much always expected to forgive them. i never get to see a victim go "maybe you have changed, but i am keeping my distance anyways because you hurt me and im not over it" and be RESPECTED by both the characters and the narrative.

i said before that my mom's changes have usually been surface-level, but there has been at least one thing she has genuinely gotten a little better at, and i've always felt awful for not throwing myself right back into her jaws as a show of gratitude that she had the mind to work on herself a bit.

earthspark showing that megatron DID genuinely change (though maybe not completely--he did still attack starscream--and i still think that was a case of old dynamics being pulled up as shorthand for a stressful situation & not fully reflective of who he is now and how he treats people now) but starscream's decision to stay away from him is STILL completely valid & his anger and hurt are completely valid even if his abuser is trying to better himself whether genuinely or at a surface level, that does so much for me as a victim, and i was overjoyed because again, i so rarely get to see a take like this.

and like i said earlier, going into the tag all excited only to see posts saying "i wish they never even brought up starscream's abuse" felt like an attack on me, making me feel like if i were to speak on my abuse and experience, which is similar, people would wish i hadnt. that wasnt an excuse for portraying those takes as different from mine on the basis of me being a survivor and other posters presumably not being, or for taking an aggressive tone about it. i didnt really expect anyone to see or respond to this post, but i should have known better since people are trawling the earthspark tag right now for reactions to the new episodes.

more thoughts:

ive been seeing people saying they dont want megatron, as an abuser, to be redeemed, especially in a kids show, and that frustrates me because look, i think kids need to know that the people who hurt them CAN change and that also DOES NOT mean they have to go with them again. because if you dont get that message, you will either spend your whole life looking for reasons they havent actually changed at all, or you will put yourself back into a situation you dont want to be in out of guilt. (which might still be unsafe or emotionally damaging, both because changing in one area doesnt mean all areas, and because just being around an abuser again can be traumatic.)

sorry, this is very long. i just woke up and wanted to apologize and explain my view.

TLDR; im sorry for overreacting, i was hurt by the idea that starscream's abuse was better left unexplored than explored in this way, which matches my experiences and was something i really needed to hear right now. i should have taken some time to cool off before posting. due to my own situation it was really important for me to see megatron changing as a person side-by-side with starscream not being ready to forgive him & having starscream's decision respected by the narrative, and its a portrayal that i feel like i rarely get to see, so i was protective over it.

people are already posting bad takes about episode 21. head in hands

[actualbird]

to ppl who have followed me since 2019 or earlier, u'll not only know the Straight Outta Fanfic Origin Story of me and my girlfriend, but u will have likely had witnessed me freak out about it real time. for those who are new, heres a summary

in 2019, i got the sweetest anonymous letter from somebody at college, passed to me through a mutual friend. through the mutual friend, i sent a reply even if i didnt know how the sender was, simply cuz that first letter really touched me.

our letter exchange would move the emails for months, with me still not knowing who she was but falling in love anyway with every email she sent (and i made a Bunch of posts about it here, all of them deleted eventually cuzzzzz---). a few months later, we did meet up for real and i finally had a face to all the letters i'd been cherishing (and also exchanged tumblrs, which is why i deleted the aforementioned posts JHVSKJHFVKSJ I DIDNT WANNA LOOK LIKE A CRINGEFAIL FOOL!) but then a few months after we met for real, sept 21 2019, we started dating. and shes the light of my life.

so i always DO remember the 21st of september, cuz thats when my girlfriend still thought i was dateable after i said "sorry, i only know about kissing from fanfic" and we've been together ever since

happy 3yr anniversary @afflatusssss

[clownbasedintrigue]

nothing like getting a coherent life lesson from an elderly person in a hyper-realistic dream and then immediately waking up in a cold sweat

[awsugar]

do u know anything about gerard's dating history bc im so very deeply confused. it doesnt rlly matter but like. what the fuck is all this

i do know actually.

so gerard was with kat from at least 96 until 2006. its possible he was with her earlier than that, and up until a couple months ago i didnt know when they got together, but those young blonde college gerard pics that she took surfaced, and then that pic of him in the western photo op thing ALSO surfaced, and that was dated as 96. so with the hair timeline and knowing that he was with her then. so at least 10 years but its possible it was longer.

we know that he broke up with her during the tbp recording process which would have been sometime from early to mid 2006. we know this because there's a small magazine clip where he says it, and says that its "nice to not have to call someone" which is. a deranged thing to say about your girlfriend of 10 years. like HARSH. brutal as fuck. id be so devastated if that was said about me. i wish i had the picture to show you of this but for some reason i saw it once and i can never find it again even though i know ive answered asks with it before. tumblr search is horrible. but just take my word for it i guess.

so he was with kat until 2006. and then he sort of very quickly got into a relationship with eliza. theres a lot of rumors surrounding the shit with eliza, some of which is probably true and some of which is probably just rumor. but i have some timeline facts! they got together in probably late summer early fall of 2006. and were engaged by may 2007. he confirmed the engagement in june 2007. projekt rev started on july 25 2007. its unclear whether they were still engaged when it started but if they had broken it off already, it would have been within the same month most likely. if you want more info on all the eliza shit, i have an ask on my other blog here. its worth a read that shit is insane. but also it has links to the sources for gerard talking about the engagement.

so anyway, gerard had met lynz in like 2003 or something? mcr played a show with msi. he says they had a connection and hit it off or whatever but they never saw each other again after that, until projekt rev. im doing some searching but i cant find how early on in the tour those pics of them kissing by the busses surfaced. but im guessing like august? and then they were married in september.

so lets recap. in about the span of a year gerard got out of a 10+ year relationship, got into a new relationship and got engaged after like 10 months, broke off that engagement after a month or two, and then was married to someone else two months later. wack.

[ox1-lovesick]

I feel like i've embarrased myself enough around you, but sorry if it feels like a spam in your box I'm really bored and, I just saw what that anon said 😶 being rude to you for no reason like bffr? like yes we get what mel is going through we can feel sorry for her cause their alot going on, but for an anon to blame you and putting you as "rude" for blocking someone because they make you uncomfy and really just rude on there side like Mel acc is more seen a as vent acc (to me) I can get that,but what do y'all (you little ppl) not see venting isnt always comfortable to some people as it may seem, when you think of venting as something everyone will say yes to you rlly need to get back into reality, venting if for people you trust, and someone you feel like will care for and help with a situation you're going through. but just bcus someone blocks a person for making them uncomfy isnt need for you to play the "see what there going through" card like "awaring" sav of what their going through like they dont already know is rlly dumb if you ask me 😳 but you see me personally I wouldnt try to stand a ground when you didnt even try to but like thats just me personally (talking to you anon.) 😂🤘🔥, but anyways hru sav? Hope you're doing good 🥰✨. (LITERALLY SORRY FOR THIS WHOLE ASS FANFIC LIKE PARA 😭) , also you dont have tk reply to it, u can delete or just simply private ask but its up to you. have a greatday/night 😜

MY EYES ARE SWEATING THIS IS SO SWEET ☹️ wdym embarrassed i've been wanting to interact with you for the longest time you're so cool 😭 i always see you on ej's (I'm pretty sure it's ej???💀) blog and you're so funny 😭

i was gonna make a post last night saying the exact same thing because?? i literally could not care less how you think of her, i'm not responsible for her mental state and neither is anyone else. i shouldn't even have to explain why i blocked her cause that's no one's business 💀 some friend of hers sent an ask to my other moot telling her about this whole situation saying melli was crying and everything because of me and i'm just like ???? what did she even have to do with this she hasn't been active on tumblr in a week 💀 the casual guilt-tripping too like it's not my fault melli is going through things and while i give her my condolences i have nothing to do with that 💀 i don't get why people can't understand that,, i never had a problem with melli venting to me but i'm a stranger on the internet you met a week ago, i don't know why you'd trust me with those things and why my presence in your life mattered so much that you'd cry over it but it is what it is ig 💀 and literally??? i know that melli is going through a lot but you don't get to use that as an excuse to call me a shitty person, just like your mental health isn't a bypass to do and say whatever you want 💀

thank you for this ask alayna, it was really sweet 🙁 my cat just peed on my bed so i don't feel the greatest but i'm good! how are you 🫶🫶