#anyway this live album i like better than the one i posted last night

[kangaracha]

love trending

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pairing changbin x reader

genre romance, meet cute, love at first sight, humor, fluff

summary somehow, someway, seo changbin finds and likes a TikTok of yours, and you think that single like is the end of your fleeting encounter. but fate has other plans...

a/n hi, hello, hope everyone is doing well! so how many times do we think i can sneak post on roo's tumblr before she removes my access. lol anyway. this is her birthday present that i totally didn't write in literally two nights on a whim. and misled her about the plot (but not really). i hope everyone enjoys, and happy birthday roo :)

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You'll be honest - most of the time you hate your job. 

It's not about the people, or the place, but mainly because you would much rather spend your time doing anything else. Singing, drawing. The puzzle books your aunt got you last year that you never found the time to glance in. Dancing, above all else. Moving to the music, dropping on beat, and matching that rhythm perfectly...the views on TikTok didn't really matter to you at the end of the day, because at least you were able to do something that you loved. 

Performing on your own time, doing your own thing. It was freeing, and exciting, and made your chest swell up in pride when you looked in the mirror and were happy with what looked back at you. You weren't someone held down by the push and go of life, when you danced, or after. 

You were exactly who you wanted to be.

"You know I think your break was up like, five minutes ago," Seulji whispers as she slides into the booth next to you, shoulder bumping with yours. "Do you think anyone noticed?" 

"Aren't you supposed to be serving customers?" you say without looking up from your phone, flicking to the next social media post. Your lips curve in a smile when one of your favorite groups pops up, starting a live. You click into it, and send a few hearts as soon as you're able to. Your chest fills - something small to help get you through the day. It was nice having silly little things like this to look forward to from a music group you enjoyed listening to. 

"Only when they ask," Seulji quips, sliding closer, tone playful. She's been your co-worker for ages, and you got along better than most, sarcasm your second language. The customers always left gleaming reviews about the two of you, so the manager was lenient. You really couldn't complain. 

Until Seulji glances at your phone screen and the teasing begins. 

"Your boyfriend's doing a live again?" she questions with a knowing curve to her lips. 

You blush, stomach twisting with an emotion you don't know how to name. Sure, you were a little too interested at times, but what was wrong with that? You weren't over the top, or crazy, or...anything you wouldn't want to admit. You were just up to date on their next shows, the newest album, the cutest member of the group...

"Stop that," you chide quietly, pulling your phone closer. "And this isn't even the right one." 

At the end of the day, Seulji was just playing around, and you knew that. She had even gone the extra mile to try and learn some of their names, though she was still confusing one or two. But still - 

"Oh right, sorry. Wrong arms," she groans, though she's still smiling wide. "Is this one...Hyunjin?"

You're happily shocked. Had she finally dived into the video folder you'd left sitting open for her a few weeks ago? You knew it was a slippery slope; it was easy to sink in once you were hooked. Maybe she finally took the bait. "Yes, actually," you say, turning to give her a look, "how did you know?" 

Seulji shrugs, busy fiddling away on her own phone. 

She's probably texting her boyfriend. It was all she ever did these days, and the thought didn't make you all that jealous. Or maybe it did? You weren't sure. All you knew was that they got together one Friday evening through a cupcake prom ask, and it was all Seulji did since. It was maybe the one thing she did that left a bad taste in your mouth, but what did you know? Maybe you would act the same if you ever got a boyfriend of your own, though the ten cats and barn idea was still something you were starting to prefer after every failed attempt at a date. 

The bell above the front door rings a few times then, and you lift your head once you notice that the chatter around your hidden corner booth has grown. The line for coffee and pastries has grown enough that the two left behind the counter have grown frantic, rushing around each other. The manager is busy dealing with a very not nice-looking customer at the end, going over their receipt line by line. 

You exhale and drag yourself out of the booth, throwing your phone in your pocket and fixing your apron as you go, strapping your hat around your messy bun. "Wish me luck," you tell Seulji, who gives a wave of her hand and a few words of encouragement in response before turning back to her phone.  

The sudden crowd is easy to manage once you get back into the swing of things, and the noise of the small cafe has died down considerably as you turn back around to help the next customer in line, who was hiding behind the rest of the line in a baseball cap and a dark sweatshirt and baggy pants. A face mask covers the bottom half of his face as he greets you, eyes crinkling with his hello.  

And something about his eyes, the tone of his voice, the rough edge - you swear you've heard it before. 

For a long moment, you just look at him, lost in thought. Why did he seem familiar? You don't think you've met him before, because you were usually good with faces, but this was throwing you off. It was a nice day out too, why would someone be so keen to be hidden when -

"I might sound absolutely crazy but do I know you, somehow?" The words are flying out of your mouth before you can stop them, and you are mortified, but then to your surprise, he simply laughs and ducks his head, fingers fumbling around the crumpled money he holds in his hands. 

When he lifts his head again, he's looking right at you, searching for something. After a minute that feels as though it lasts for eternity, it seems he finds whatever it was he was looking for, and leans in, one arm against the counter. He lifts a hand up to tug his mask down, and you're meant with the softest smile you've ever seen, and a face you would never forget. 

Your heart jumps, and you wonder if you gasp out loud by accident. 

"Oh my god," you whisper, barely able to contain yourself. But there's still a good amount of people in the shop, and he obviously left the house in the best disguise he could muster, so the last thing you want to do is be the cause of him being recognized by anyone else, especially if he seemed to trust you enough to reveal who he was in the first place. "What are you doing here?"

You're so dumb, you think a second after the words have left you, and you're preparing yourself for him to say it right back to you, but he simply chuckles and gives a small wave of his hand. "I'm hungry," he replies easily, grinning, an echo of a long-lost moment you swear you've watched on a few too many times. "Where else would I go?" 

You're absolutely freaking out. 

You can't believe this is happening right now, let alone to you. Oh gosh, what if someone sees? What if you say something too loud? You want to say his name but then you're too afraid you'll draw too much attention, and what with phones and cameras everywhere these days, but oh good god it's Seo Changbin in front of you and you have never felt more like a fangirl until this very moment. 

"I'm - oh my," you stumble and stutter for a moment, and your face is burning hot, and your stomach is fluttering and your chest is tight, and all too suddenly you don't understand what is happening as your next breath falters in your throat -

And then a warm hand is gently gripping at your wrist. 

"Hey," he says. Kind. Far too kind. "Take a deep breath for me." He pauses, and gives a tiny squeeze to your skin. "Can you do that for me?" 

You nod, and then blink, once, twice. Your eyes lock with his, tracing his every feature. The concerned turn to the corner of his lips, the look in his eyes. The unruly curls that have fought their way from under his cap. The warmth of his palm pressed against your arm. 

An idol is standing in front of you, and you've gone and made yourself out to be a complete fool. You're definitely someone special alright.

Eventually, you're able to push some air through your lungs. Your chest shudders with one breath, and then another, and another, until you're able to properly breathe again, and you exhale, shaking your head as soon as you're able to. 

"I'm so sorry," you mumble, feeling ashamed. You're wasting his time, and there's customers still waiting, and you can feel your manager looking over at you like you've done something wrong. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean - I don't know what came over me." 

Changbin's hand slips from your wrist. You miss the contact more than you'd like to admit. 

"Please don't apologize," he rebukes, leaning back. He doesn't bother to put his mask back. "Are you feeling better?" 

"Yes," you're quick to say, moving back over to the register. "Thank you. Sorry again." He looks happier now, eyes locked on you. His hand lingers on the counter, money nearly forgotten. If you had no restraint, you'd reach down and hold his hand. Something tells you to just say what you want to say. You decide to listen to it. "Thank you for the music that you guys make. You're amazing, and you probably don't remember but you - you liked a dance of mine a few weeks ago. I just wanted to say that it meant a lot to me. Sorry for the cringey caption."

Changbin shifts, and then...is he...blushing? You must be going crazy, or seeing things. 

"I remember, actually. You were amazing." 

He moves again, and you glance down, trying to avoid his gaze. You feel like some giddy schoolgirl, and you needed to reel it in. A few minutes longer and your manager would be over asking what was wrong. Be thankful and move on, right? He said he was hungry, maybe he'd like a coffee too. You could do that at the very least. Maybe he'd - 

"Can I..." he stops and sighs, holding his phone out now, looking over to the left. His cheeks are dark enough for you to not be imagining anything. "Can I have your number?" 

You look over at him, and then down at his phone. 

You take it. 

And then you put in your number, and pretend you don't see the smile he tucks into his shoulder.

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Logically, you know this is the worst way to go about this. You know you'll come to regret this in the morning, mortified and blushing. And yet, as he pushes you back against the wall, and kisses you like no one else ever has, you find that you can't really bring yourself to care about what you might think of yourself in the morning. 

This isn't just some random guy kissing you - this is Seo Changbin. The Changbin. The one who sought you out of millions, billions even, of users and took it upon himself to like your TikTok. And not just any TikTok, but the one of you dancing silly and stupid, a cheesy caption dazzled with hearts and arrows around his name below it. 

God, the embarrassment. 

(God, the thought of him seeing you out of trillions - )

"Y/N," he breathes, hot breath fanning across an exposed collarbone, shivers racing down your spine. You hadn't even noticed him pulling away, so lost in...in all of this, speechless and dumb and flushed, and then he presses a kiss to the cusp of your shoulder, and you positively melt. 

You want to say something, anything, but it's hard to talk when all you can focus on is the feel of his lips, and the warmth of his chest pressing against yours, and the curve of his arms your fingers can barely wrap around - 

He bites down, and your cheeks burn at the sound that escapes you, pleasant shock coursing through your body. You feel his smirk pressing against your skin, before he makes sure to take care of you, and then he's back to kissing your lips, and you wondered how you even made it through the concert. 

He's gentle. Kind. It almost annoys you how careful he's being, pushing close to the limit, and then backing away before he breaks it. He's a tease like this, and you're not sure if he's doing this on purpose or waiting for you to make the first move, so you decide to make things clear. He's kind, but you know there must be something else hiding beneath, ready to take control and leave you gasping for breath. 

"I won't break," you whisper, pulling away just enough that your lips brush his in the intermittent. "Just so you know." He breathes heavily against you for a long moment, one of your fingers trailing along his arm before coming to a stop on his chest, resting your palm flat against it, right where his heart is. 

You swear you feel it skip a beat, and wonder how your own doesn't stop beating.

The next moment is a blur of movement as Changbin wraps his arms around your middle and lifts you up, kissing you madly as he carries you towards the couch that sits on the other side of the room, your heart racing. He holds you above it for a long moment, and then tosses you down, enough that your back bounces against the springs, but he's climbing on top of you before you can worry that you'll tumble to the ground, thick arms boxing you in. 

You look up at him as he stares down at you, getting lost easily in his eyes so close to your own. He's beautiful really, up close like this, flawless honey skin and an easy smile. Saying he's handsome doesn't do him justice when he's close like this, and you find yourself at a loss for words again. 

How could anyone not like him? 

"I like you," he says, leaning in close. "A lot more than I should." 

A feeling you can't put a name to erupts in your stomach, leaving room for nothing else. You don't know how it's possible for somebody to be this charming, on and off the screen, and you don't know how someone like this decides on you when he could have anyone else in the world. 

You don't know how that makes you feel, really, when he looks at you like you are the very world itself. 

"I - I like you too," you whisper, though you nearly stumble your way through, his eyes crinkling at the corners as laughs, the sound encompassing the room. "A lot." 

He closes the distance, his lips brushing against your own. "I noticed," he teases, and you wonder if your cheeks can get any more red. "Is this okay?" 

You nearly laugh out loud at the question, though it warms your heart that he even asked in the first place. How would this ever not be okay? Your past self would be screaming, and your future self probably still is. "Yes," you say, eyes flickering between his own and his lips, "A million times yes." 

He kisses you rough then, pushing closer, arms closing you in. 

You kiss back and tell yourself that you won't regret one single thing.

[idontwanttospoiltheparty]

I found a transcript of the Jan 98 Q interview but it won’t let me post a link

https:// groups.google .com/g/rec.music.beatles/c/7clhNbsz3jE/m/stFmXJnzJSMJ

Maybe see if you can view it by removing the space between google and .com. If not I can screenshot and send you pictures

Oh wow, amazing!! thank you so much! this is an old usenet post from December 1997 and the user named Alison Fiddler kindly typed it up 27 years ago :)

I'll post the full transcript (and a bit reformated for legibility) below the cut for everyone.

Paul McCartney Interview for Q Magazine, January 1998 edition

Q. When you first wrote a song with John Lennon, did you realise you would play one of the biggest parts in rock 'n' roll?

(Michael McConnell, Crawley, West Sussex)

Q. If John Lennon could come back for a day, how would you spend it with him?

A. Obviously not. But even with all the so-called "historical" events that followed, you're just too inside it all, too busy doing it to realise anything's "historical". You just get on with it. I'm not a great ponderer. Some people would say that's a mistake but it's just the way I am. It's quite cool not to always get the overall picture because it leaves something to be found out. The musicologists get paid to discover the differences between me and John. I'm only just beginning to see it now, based probably on their analysis. So John is often one note, I'm often more melodic. (McCartney is thinking especially of Ian McDonald's book Revolution in the Head, where he describes the ace partnership in contrasts: Lennon's method is "harmonic, dissonant", McCartney's that of the "natural melodist".) It might sound amazing but we never spotted that when we were writing. We just did our thing. But it is kind of apparent when you bother to analyse it.

(Mark Wilson, Deeside, Flintshire)

A. In bed.

Q. Were you ever envious that Brian Epstein didn't fancy you?

(Nick Gibson, London)

Q. What were the last records you bought?

A. No, I didn't mind. We just used to go to these clubs at night and wonder why there were so many men. It was OK. Brian was very cool about his side to things. I think the nearest any of us got to it was the John-going-to-Spain thing (it inspired the movie, The Hours And The Times) and I'm not sure what the strength of all that was. I think it was power play on John's part. But Brian kept his private life aside. He kept it out of our faces (pause, possibly for effect). He kept it out of mine, anyway.

(Chris Timms, Harrogate)

A. The Prodigy's The Fat Of The Land, Radiohead's OK Computer and Chopin's Nocturnes.

Q. How do you feel about all the animosity between you and Oasis right now?

(Christina Vellano, Syracuse, New York, USA)

A. There is none as far as I'm concerned. What happened was I'd said, Good group, good singer, good songwriters. But people asked me about it so much that one time I decided to take it further and say that they don't mean anything to me. I am not related to Oasis. I wish them good luck and everything. But my kids mean something to me, John Lennon means something to me, but Oasis ....

Q. Who would you pick to play with in your dream six-piece band?

(Alan Thatcher, Essex)

A. Dream? So we're into fantasy, aren't we? Ringo, John, George, that's three. Me. Jimi Hendrix. That makes lots of guitarists, so Little Richard on keyboards.

Q. With Wings, did you feel pressurised to live up to The Beatles?

(Andrew Williams, Neath)

A. Yes, it was a case of "follow that!". Impossible to do. Looking back on it, it's a lot better than I thought, though some of it is just not PLAYED as well as The Beatles. My son (James, co-worker on McCartney's last pop album, Flaming Pie) plays a lot of Wings, so I'm re-listening, and there's good shit that I'd forgotten about. A lot of the lyrics were off the wall, drug stimulated. Things like "Soily - the cat in the satin trousers says its oily". What was I on? I think the answer is stimulants.

Q. Do you still support the legislation of cannabis?

(Grahame Woods, Northwood, Middlesex)

A. I would make a distinction between legalising and decriminalising. I'm in favour of the latter. The problem is that jails are stuffed full of kids doing what a lot of people do. Why stuff the jails with young kids? Plus it's one of the best places to score. I remember when I got busted in Japan, nobody made the slightest effort to rehabilitate me (laughs). Just stuck me in a box for nine days. Obviously you come out and you are fairly resentful.

Q. Do you roll a wicked joint?

(Steve Kline, Bury)

A. I have nothing to say in answer to that question, m'lud. I wasn't even at the venue.

Q. The critics have been harsh on your solo work. Did this ever

discourageyou?

(Robert Hemauer, Madison, Wisconsin, USA)

A. Yeah, sure, but you don't let it kill you. It's a difficult one, because it's never cool for someone to tell you you're shit. Many people through history were damned by the critics of their own time - Cezanne, Van Gogh, Stravinsky, all great painters! Ha ha!

Q. We'd like to see your paintings but can't get to the exhibition in

Germany (McCartney unveils his work for the first time in Siegen, Germany, next year). Any thoughts about putting your paintings on "tour", or publishing a book of them?

(Kathy Goodman, San Diego, CA, USA)

Q. You've done so many things - classical, films, music, art, drugs - is there anything left you might have a go at?

A. A difficult one. If you're a so-called celebrity - like Bowie, Anthony Quinn, Tony Curtis - and you exhibit any art, inevitably, people are not going to think of you as a real painter. Gallery owners come up to me and offer to give me exhibitions. I say, You haven't seen my pictures, and they say, It doesn't matter. Well, it does to me. Otherwise, it's just trading on the name. However, this guy from Germany came over, looked at all my paintings, seems to like them. He's telling me what they're all about.

(Tim Bowler, Swansea)

A. The thing is how reluctant I've often been to have a go. I think we were brought up pretty repressed. Brought up to be seen and not heard, to stay in your place, particularly a working class thing. And I think - I hope - with The Beatles, we got rid of a lot of that. With the painting, for instance, it was Willem de Kooning who liberated me. I used to go to his studio, took in one of my paintings, said, Hey Bill, I hope you don't mind but can you tell me what it is? (Affects American drawl) "Oh, looks "like a couch." Well it looked like a purple mountain to me. And he says, "Well, whatever." Here's one of the greats, his works go for one million, and it was great to see how little bullshit he was bringing to it all. It's really important to explode these myths that surround the arts, music, painting. It's Wizard of Oz time - so many myths, and it's often just a little man behind the screen. The paraphernalia that surrounds them gets in the way. Often you meet leaders in their field and they have none of that. I remember asking a great painter - Peter Blake, maybe - for some advice once, and he said "Just paint a lot". Similar to my approach to music.

Q. How do you know when a song's finished?

(Joyce Slavik, Palatine, Illinois)

A. It's full up. You've answered all of your questions. Normally, I start following a thread: "Eleanor Rigby picks up the rice ... " The thread might come out of nowhere, and I follow it and complete it, like crossword puzzle. When the crossword is full up, the song is finished.

Q. What's more embarrassing: writing Hi Hi Hi or Say Say Say?

(Tien Vu, Costa Mesa, California)

A. (Weighs up pros and cons). Say Say Say.

Q. Why did you give such extensive interviews for an authorised biography (Paul McCartney: Many Years From Now) instead of writing an autobiography?

(Deena Hochberg, Southampton, Pennsylvania)

Q. I'd like to know if Sir Paul sings in the shower, and if so, what does he sing?

A. I don't think I'm a writer. I've never been moved to do it. You have to have a pretty big fire in the belly to do something as big as that. I fancy music more. I'm happier writing in songs rather than in prose, or poetry. Though I wrote something that was never published about the time I got busted in Japan - for my kids. Because I knew one day they'd say, "Hey dad, what was it like, nine days in a Tokyo jail?". So I had a mate of mind, who did all our printing, knock up a few copies, one for each of the kids.

(Jennifer Nash, Bursville, Minnesota)

Q. As a kid you used to play pranks at school by throwing balloons filled with something "worse than water". If you had one of those balloons right now who would you like to hit with it?

A. It's normally the bath. I prefer a good bath. And the answer's Firestarter - "I'm a firestarter, de-de-de-de-dera."

(Brett Yuskiewicz, Leipzig, Germany)

A. Jonathan King. He's a prat from way back.

Q. Which football team did/does each Beatle support?

(WC Chan, Maryland, USA)

A. None of us were big footie types. We weren't very sporty, unlike other groups who were always having knock-arounds. My dad was an Everton fan, which I was most of my life. But then Liverpool started playing well, and Everton didn't, so I took the unprecedented move of supporting them both. It's not allowed, I know, but there you go.

Q. For years, you've claimed it's you in the Walrus costume in the Magical Mystery Tour film. But watching the footage shows that for it to be you, you and John would have had to exchange all your clothes. Are you winding us up, or have you not watched the film in 30 years?

(Dorothy Northcutt, Tucker, Georgia)

Q. What is the quality of each of the other Beatles that you like(d) the best about?

A. The big one. Very good question. I tell you what it was. In the stills we had taken, I was the one with the Walrus head on – in the film it's different. So John then immortalised it in Glass Onion, "I've got news for you all, the walrus was Paul". Obviously at the time you don't care, it's just a Walrus head. You don't realise years later people like our friend from Georgia will analyse it.

(S. Breggles, Richmond)

A. All of them – musical talent. All of them – honesty. Ringo – funny, and kind-hearted. George – straightforward and open. John – witty with a soft centre, or maybe hard with a soft centre.

Q. Do the copulating beetles on the sleeve of Ram (1970) stand for F**k The Beatles?

(Luc Van de Wiele, Wemmel, Belgium)

A. It happened to be a picture Linda had taken. We couldn't resist it just because of the way it looked. She'd caught these two beetles f**king, and then the significance hit us. We saw that pun, yeah, thought why not?

Q. Was there ever a third Lennon song for Anthology 3?

(Jake Lennington, Rush City, MN, USA)

A. There was, but George didn't like it. The Beatles being a democracy, we didn't do it.

Q. I have a Beatles t-shirt which I bought from The Grapes (celebrated Liverpool pub). I was told the band are pictured in their favourite seats - adjacent to the Ladies where you would often catch a glimpse of the girls changing for an evening at The Cavern. True?

(Alan Tomkins, Goring, West Sussex)

A. I hope so. It SOUNDS true. Had there been an opportunity to spot the girls changing, I'm sure we would have sat there.

Q. If you hadn't been a musician, what do you think you would have been?

(Tony Carter, Manchester)

A. The only thing I could have probably qualified for was teaching. So I might have been an English teacher.

Q. Does it do your head in - stuff like the handwritten lyrics to Getting Better selling for $249,000 at Sothebys?

(Peggy Robinson, Trinant, Gwent)

A. It's the price of fame - literally. You scribble them on the back of an envelope, and it gets to be famous. People want it, so it becomes a desirable object. Like Mozart's bog paper, which is another highly desirable object, apparently. More valuable obviously if it's been used.

Q. What is the inscription on the ID bracelet you wear?

(Rachel Hyland, West Harford, Connecticut)

A. It says Paul - for when I forget who I am.

Q. How does it feel to have a star named after you (the christening courtesy of American astronomy fans)?

(John Sales, Barry, Glamorgan)

A. Really cool. The good thing is that as you get on, your fans get on too. And some of them are pretty swotty. Like the people who started Apple, they were just Beatles fans, hence the name. You don't sit around looking at the sky, trying to find it, but it's like getting a very nice birthday present. I'm not religious, I don't believe in any one system - I sort fo think the universe is basically benevolent and we f**k it up - but I am spiritual. I saw Stephen Hawking on TV the other night, and he was saying that we are made of the same stuff as the stars. Which is great. We are all stardust, luv.

Q. What do you want written on your gravestone?

(Tom Mangold, Exeter)

A. Here lies Gracie Fields. Anything to keep people away.

[docholligay]

Doc's Very Best Of Death playlist official request.

These are pretty much all comfortably in the folk/countryish vein, because, well, that's what I listen to. ALSO THIS IS NOT A VERY BEST OF. It's a 'very best of I could think of while juggling my toddler and doing laundry and baking a cake for shabbat so it sucks probably' but if I don't take the pressure off I won't do it at all.

Kate and the Ghost of Lost Love, Dave Carter and Tracey Grammar -- I chose this over When i Go because I just posted that song, and also this has the line, "I count the days in cups of wine and candles I have burned" which haunts my thoughts constantly.

What Sarah Said, Death Cab for Cutie --Everyone creams themselves for I will Follow You Into the Dark (And, me too , babygirl) but What Sarah Said is so much more evocative for me. It's more REAL to me. It's just straight up about losing someone. Like, in the process of.

This time tomorrow Brandi Carlisle -- I have an endless fondness for things that are sad, but done with a cheerfulness. This fits that bill.

When I'm Gone, Phil Ochs -- I have a long post reply to verb that she most assuredly does not care about, and neither do you, about the finest Phil Ochs songs, but this is one of them. I suppose one could argue that it's not about dying, it's about the necessity of living as much as you can because nothing comes after, but I think that tracks. Love this song. Play it at my funeral.

The Dance, Garth Brooks -- this is the most traditionally popular song on this list, i think. Most contemporary, at least. You will find very few country fans who don't know this song. It's a banger. It kills. More than anything, it's about loving someone who dies, and how you would do the whole thing all over again. I like it live better than in studio, but that's just me.

Memories, Eisley -- I don't even know how I know this song ahahah. I think i heard it at a party once? It's not that this isn't the type of usic i listen to--I've kept the song forever--but i don't think i've listened to anything else by them.

Poison Oak, Bright Eyes -- If you've ever lost someone due to things I'm just gonna call "Kinda their fault" this mix of nostalgia and fucking RAGE and sadness just kills, and gets it completely. It's not very easy to find any song about death or grief that contains any anger. But i assure you it does happen in real life.

Each Coming Night, Iron and Wine-- You know, I saw iron and Wine back years ago at Hardly Strictly Bluegrass in San Francisco, which I went to pretty regularly when I was young. I heard this song there for the first time, hadn't heard the album this was on, actually sat there because I liked the last album. Anyway, this is another song that feels wistful rather than straight up sad.

Seasons in the Sun, Terry Jacks -- I almost didn't include this song because I was like, 'Fucking everyone knows this song it was a huge hit" but given the demographics of tumblr maybe you don't?

Whiskey Lullaby, Brad Paisley and Allison Krauss -- I can't hang this up without including a tragic story song (Gotta be one of my favorite genders). Maybe this was a bigger hit than The Dance? I don't think so though. I saw Allison Krauss when she came here, she played in a park it was great. I sat on the grass and drank a beer.

IF YOU LIKED ANY OF THESE OR ANY OF THESE SONGS MAKE YOU THINK "Oh I know a song doc would love" PLEASE LET ME KNOW.

[internet-girl-friend]

Do You Believe In Masochism?

12:45pm

In November 2023 I flew down to Los Angeles to meet an internet friend irl for the first time. The plan was that he'd pick me up from the airport and we'd drive directly to Pioneertown together.

"Hey so can I borrow your phone to let my family know I arrived?" "You got into a stranger's car and drove out to the desert with no service?"

I did. But my trust wasn't misplaced, and anyway, how else was I going to see the elusive, cult pop sensation Sky Ferreira?

She played Pappy and Harriet's and came on an hour late in a cloud of weed smoke, and the show was perfect... despite that and the fact that a veggie burger I'd had at the venue before made me throw up during her set.

While nothing could ever really compare to seeing her with my long-distance friend in a small desert dive, tonight I will see her again and I won't have to listen to I Blame Myself from my knees in a bathroom stall (at least not because I'm sick).

1:44am

I just got home and my ratio of Food I've Eaten to Beers I've Had is not in favour of me waking up feeling ready to move on Saturday (the Uhaul is booked).

We all met at Fringe Café right across from the venue -- me, Braydon, Grace, Brandon, and Allison. I had a hot dog served in a Bahn Mi bun and it gave me fear that I might meet the same fate as I did during I Blame Myself (it didn't).

People were lined up at 6:00pm, all of them no older than 19. I laughed to Allison "she's going to be late, they don't need to be waiting." Doors were at 7.

We arrived in the venue around 8 hoping to catch the opening act; once again, too early. The opener simply did not exist and we waited until 9:45 for her to get on stage, paying $8 for a goddamn PBR.

Before she came on, I heard two girls in the bathroom say "my 12 year old self is quaking," and another girl one-upped by saying that her 11 year old self was quaking. I was quaking as I was and I felt as though I might not be changing as much as I should be, and if I have been, I might be changing so much I was comin' back around.

I don't want all of these posts to seem as though I am complaining about being old when in reality I am quite young, but it just seems like being 20 is in trend right now or something. I don't think that I am caring for my inner child by liking music for over a decade; I think it is just good music.

Last time I saw Sky she played an encore -- Red Lips. This time she did not no matter how badly we begged. Both times she seemed decidedly shy. She wore huge sun glasses and a reflective jacket probably meant to keep people like me from getting the shots they wanted -- fair. Her vocals get better and better; she hit every note and has adapted the melodies so beautifully since she released Night Time My Time in 2013. I imagine that for me, seeing Sky is what Swifties feel like. She is such a significant part of my music and identity development and NTMT is an album I simply have not and will not outgrow.

I danced the entire time -- too enthusiastically to really see what the crowd was all about but I could sense from the space that I had to dance that the show wasn't close to sold out. They actually downsized the venue. It was supposed to be at Vogue which has about a 1200 person cap to Hollywood which has about a 700 person cap. To me, this is insane. Seeing her live is like seeing an ethereal cryptid.

I always want her to play the Ghost EP but it's wishful thinking in the same way that truly believing Masochism will ever actually come out is. Brandon and I joked that if we spent the $80 she was asking on her long sleeve that one day it will sell for $2000, which won't matter because we didn't buy it anyway, and if we did, we'd never part with it. Masochism was slated to come out this year. She's got three months and I am waited with bated breath. I fear I might suffocate.

COST OF THE NIGHT:

We got guest list for the show so it was free.

Food & beer: $15.00

Beer x 2 @ venue: $17.00

Beer @ tertiary venue which I didn't even write about: $9.00

Money sent to me by a Mystery Man <3: +$10.00

Total spent: $31.00

I will tell you right now, I cannot afford to be doing any of this, but I sure am having fun.

Must pack. Until next time (Saturday when I have another show).

[gracefullou]

i used to be a hardcore hrry fan, but overtime i just felt so disconnected from him because he doesn’t show his human, real side and instead it’s basically a brand. i won’t lie, i can’t hate him or dislike him, i was too attached and that’s hard to let go, but i stopped following him and listening to his music. louis has always been my favorite though. i love that he’s as authentic as he can be in the industry and shares this special bond with fans. that’s something hrry can’t have and it’s truly sad. he got plenty of success, but in return he became a product to sell to audiences, with “fans” who don’t truly care about him and many just wanting the clout of being at a hrry stles™ show, meanwhile louis has fans who care about him and his music. who feel that connection. who make fan projects for him and other fans, and in return he shows his appreciation for us and includes us in his success. personally, i wouldn’t trade that for anything in the world. hrry’s fanbase is not long lasting, louis’ is, so, who really won at the end?

It depends on what you see as winning and therefore who you ask. Louis will never be as commercially successfull as Hrry, he will never have those streaming numbers, he will never have lead roles served to him on a silver plate even when he has zero acting talent. So if that was the prize, he lost. But I don't think that's what Louis thinks. I don't think that's what any rational person thinks. Fans tend to draw comparisons between the two but it's not fair, or even rational. You can't compare an indie movie with a Marvel one, simply bc the investment was not the same, the amount of money and power put into the two projects is incomparable and therefore the projects themselves are. It's the same here. I don't follow Hrry and idk what's happening with him/ his career unless i see a post in my tl and even if i did, i can't claim if he's happy or not, dead inside (like he looks) or not but it is clear atp that everything publicly available about him is a calculated move. I don't care about him, i never did so i can't relate to you anon. Ofc, the moment i became a Louis fan i was bombarded with 1D and Hrry content but i never cared about him. I heard his first album once and never again (same with his second one). I remmember not liking his music, it's very repetitive, not really catchy and he writes very amateur and generic lyrics. I didn't like him as well, i think a lot of what his fans "see" in him is an illusion, a false perception. They think he's interesting and deep so they find his slow speech and goofiness charming but the moment he opens his mouth when asked a question that he didn't prepare for, you see that there's nothing really there. Anyway, enough about him. What I care about is Louis. He looks so good, i don't think i've ever seen him happier than this last year. He's making the music he wants and doesn't have to answer to any external pressure anymore. And what magical songs he's making 🥹❤️‍🩹. Faith in the future is a perfect perfect album and is a far cry from anything he wrote with one direction no offence. He had an arena tour and played to thousands of fans night after night, even did a few stadium shows in Latam and had a live stream from one of the shows. He released AOTV as well. I agree that his music is so good, so well written it inspires the listener. Of course i wish he had a better team to prompte him and his music but there is something beautiful about how no matter how many streams a song of his get, you know it's organic. You know it's bc all the people (or at the very least most of them) who listened to this song loved it. Might be silly but i get emotional when i listen to always you, a non single from walls has 22M views on YouTube with zero promo, all from people who loved the song bc it's pop perfection duh. Fingers crossed for LT3, I know it will be another perfect album from Louis and i can't wait to hear it

[lynsburner]

BESTIE BESTIE BESTIE DID YOU SEE THE VID OF ANDY SINGING UNKNOWN ON STAGE????

https://twitter.com/hozier/status/1666156710816251927?s=46&t=LSoyIXqT91OLGNpISabobw

“you know the distance never made a difference to me” THE FIRST THING I THOUGHT OF WAS YOUR FIC 😭 this song is sooooo andy/lovely core im obsessed!! i can’t wait for it to come out, A) bc it sounds amazing already, and B) bc im so excited to hear your thoughts on it!!!

Oh... bestie... you might not like my answer for this one because I am absolutely begging him to put this one bACK IN THE VAULT (or whatever it is. Sorry I have too much Taylor on my mind after going to the eras tour twice now. And for the last time, I swear.)

Is it a bad song? Absolutely fucking not. It's gorgeous. But it hits a little too close to home for me.

So... I am about to tell a silly story. Picture this. It is late September. I am SEATED to see Carly Rae Jepsen at Radio City. I check twitter (yes I am on the hoz side of twitter. Not under this name, though lol). People are freaking out about a tik tok he made. I had only seen a small clip posted of him jamming on a guitar so I think nothing of it.

The curtain goes up. Carly comes on. I am having the most fun two hours of my life because how can't you when you get to hear the best opening number for an album ever made, sax and all? She ends with Cut to the Feeling, one of the most joyous songs ever made! I am on a happiness high! Nothing can ruin my night!

And then I am sitting at the bus stop and I check tik tok and realize it was a full song! A full song about a long-distance relationship! And I start SOBBING!!!! Because guess what? That song is SAD!

So I go from absolutely forgetting every bad thing that had ever happened to me to full-on crying about a failed relationship I was still not over!!! In the middle of 5th Avenue, no less!!!!

Idk if you've heard the full thing, but it is DEPRESSING! It's basically the opposite of Francesca (or the "I'd do it all over again" motif) ! He literally sings "And there are some people, love, who are better unknown" like??? Imagine thinking you're better off never someone than knowing them at all! (which, I know is my interpretation, and I can very much be wrong but that's what it's giving to me!) I can imagine! I was still in that mindset! Especially since this one was about a long-distance relationship! It hit me too fucking hard!!! I have literally ignored every live performance I've come across of it on social media since because it makes me absolutely sob!!! I wish I was joking!

Anyway, a hilarious bookend to this: the day he announced in that Instagram Q&A the date Unknown was officially being released? Guess who I was seeing in concert that night? That's right! Carly Rae FUCKING Jepsen!!!!! *Insert the "If I had a nickel" meme here*

But yeah, he got the real long-distance thing down to a fucking t, especially with the second verse, "Funny how true colors shine in darkness and in secrecy. If there were scarlet flags, they washed out in thе mind of me" because yeah, you can forgive a lot of shit when the person isn't physically in front of you! Also, "Where a blinding light shonе on you every night Either side of my sleep" to me is just a fancy little way of saying face time/late night calls lol. (Again, I could be wrong, but still!)

But (I am sorry for repeating "But"... BUT!) he also confirmed it's from circle 9, which is treachery! Which... well I am not defining a successful relationship as treachery, I'm sorry! Judas is in that circle! And I did too many years in Catholic school to know what that guy fucking did!

Anyway, unlike me and my ex (and whoever the fuck Hoz is singing about, may they have their peace and never have to hear this one randomly in a store or some shit), Andrew and Lovely are definitely on better terms in my mind and are absolutely thriving <3 As I said before, love those crazy kids! They're in their own universe probably looking at rings as we speak! Or face-timing since he's out on the road! Good for them!

This is also not an insult to long-distance relationships in general. I loved that shit. It was wonderful! The guy, though? He sucks! And I am still doing some reflecting on that (which I am sure will continue once I force myself to listen to Unknown in a non tik tok way!)

Lovely Anon, I know this is not the answer you expected, but hopefully, it makes you chuckle! Or at least gets you to listen to the greatest album ever made: Emotion, by Carly Rae Jepsen!

PS: thank you for that other ask because I have been putting "no plan" back into my rotation of songs and oh boy I forgot how fucking good it was!!!!!

PPS: I hope this didn't come off as too, "Uhm, actually!" because that was not my intent! The opening, out of context, is absolutely Lovely and Andrew coded! But the rest? Oh, she has words for him!!!!!

[charlotteswebbbbb]

What's the vibe? #59

News:

Roberto Cavalli died on Sunday. I think something I noticed about Cavalli or Mugler or Rabane dying was that they loved the female form. There was a reverence for the shape and how women move in their clothes. Now designers couldn't care much or they have no incentive to care? The commercial aspect wins again. Sexuality and sensuality will prevail in the underground and DIY.

Also Faith Ringgold, the American artist who worked within quilts and paint died.

Will smoking culture in the UK be changed forever after the passing of this smoking age bill? What are the new unhealthy vices for British society? This is something to watch considering smoking came back in quite a big way over the past two years. It's related to "idgaf" culture which is very....inauthentic.

Cannes announced it's big lineup - but will there be a breaking free from these kings (incl Berlinale which....this year went terribly)? Will there be a break from the hold of A24-isms...BFI festivals do amazingly for that.

Internet rn:

Dead internet theory > web 1.0 > IRL

Dead internet theory is defined as “its main argument is that the organic, human-created content that powered the early web in the 1990s and 2000s has been usurped by artificially created content, which now dominates what people see online. Hence, the internet is “dead” because the content most of us consume is no longer created by living beings (humans).” In the piece by Michael Grothaus for Fast Company, it is explained that there’s more bots but also the algorithm is working against influencers (which may lead to the death of them)… I mean also “Dead Internet Theory” is a conspiracy but I also think it’s partially true.

I don’t want to be the harbinger of bad news but AI is not getting the best PR at the moment. I think its ambassadors are realising that everything that has been made is better and faster. Having a level of control on how the machine works is much better than putting your hands and faith into a computer. See: Grimes going viral at Coachella for DJ difficulties or Marques Brownlee panning the Humane AI Pin.

AI is not smarter than us, it is a tool that can be used to bring up things that we have made and for it to be reformed again in a play-do-esque vision of smartness. Honestly in my opinion, craft will always be important, people are still amazed by vintage pieces.

See also: red carpet thematic dressing or people still trying to copy the Maison Margiela show.

Algorithms are eating themselves, becoming less useful to people. Creating frustration and creating distance from posting about their favourite things or work because they know their friends won’t see it. I wasn’t keen to use this Pitchfork example because it’s not really the same since they got rid of their staffers. (I say this because technically it was a prized position and running on freelancers that are recognisable to this audience is important now too). Anyway, last Friday Pitchfork's Best New Music was awarded to Cindy Lee. An artist with no social media that I can see, an album that is 2 hours long and someone who doesn’t do interviews currently but has a Geocities website where you can download wav files from. An artist on a FAREWELL tour, even. People on social media cry that tour dates are sold out and as far as I can see on Dice…they’re right.

Also the outage of instagram from last month has me thinking that people are investing so much into a platform that doesn’t even invest in them. Creatives making instagram their websites because it’s easier but what if everyone went back into making their own websites away from Meta, Elon Musk and other billionaires? The word by mouth way of sharing knowledge may prevail, trust increase? Maybe? There’s less space to discuss ideas but people can do that in real life. Like people want to experience things more than ever now but on budget. That one really good guaranteed club night, that one good film (could be Challengers/Monkey Man/pick any good film atm).

Basically right now, everything is Drake theory. Used to be fun, now middle of the road but still popular, claims to be the king but is in no way authentic, hopping from one thing to another because of money. You could say this is enshittification but I think Drake is a much better analogy because people still fill concerts arenas to see him, he’s so pervasive you can’t ignore his touch on rap culture. People aren’t turning away from him because unfortunately he makes things slightly interesting by being there.

Highlights in music:

Fabiana Palladino

John Glacier

Marie Davidson

Empress Of

DJs to watch:

Beauty x Sustainability:

Crystabel Efemena Riley is a "clean" beauty make up artist. Passionate about materials used being sustainable and reusable alongside organic make up.

Photography: Suzie + Leo

This idea of spirituality and eating/food has become quite pervasive in culture. You see people talking about fasting - which is apparently not that good for you but I'm assuming is great for weight loss? People like Rishi Sunak who is essentially a Cali tech bro using intimitent fasting to be seen as more serious and focused to a new middle class kind of person, whereas there will always be this bigger need for food culture. On the other side is people who belong to cultures where food is part of being a part of a community. Quite the opposite to this individualistic Anglosphere culture.

[couragehopelovefaith]

Ranking Taylor Swift-songs (on her albums)

Decided to post this anyway. *prepared for the booing and tomatoes* Sorry, if I forgot something, will fulfill later, if needed.

Castles Crumbling

tolerate it

You're Losing Me

Dear Reader

Better Man

Nothing New

Never Grow Up

peace

mirrorball

Would've, Could've, Should've

happiness

my tears ricochet

champagne problems

hoax

You All Over Me

epiphany

Safe And Sound

it's time to go

coney island

Dear John

Bigger Than The Whole Sky

Tell Me Why

Come In With The Rain

Back To December

You're On Your Own, Kid

The Last Time

exile

Foolish One

The Archer

State Of Grace

Dress

Forever Winter

Cold As You

State Of Grace (acoustic)

Midnight Rain

The Great War

this is me trying

Change

Don't Blame Me

Haunted

We Were Happy

I Knew You Were Trouble

White Horse

Ronan

the 1

This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things

All Of The Girls You Loved Before

The Way I Loved You

Breathe

Marjorie

Cruel Summer

Sweet Nothing

Forever & Always (piano)

I Can See You

All Too Well (10 minute-version)

Fifteen

The Story Of Us

Wonderland

the lakes

Wildest Dreams

A Place In This World

mad woman

Paper Rings

You Are In Love

Holy Ground

New Romantics

New Year's Day

Soon You'll Get Better

Snow On The Beach (ft. More Lana)

Death By A Thousand Cuts

Should've Said No

Snow On The Beach (original)

Vigilante Shit

willow

I Forgot That You Existed

evermore

I Did Something Bad

Come Back...Be Here

cowboy like me

Labyrinth

Sparks Fly

Right Where You Left Me

Timeless

All Too Well

Innocent

closure

Tied Together With A Smile

cardigan

 'Tis The Damn Season

Lavender Haze

Untouchable

Glitch

Call It What You Want

ivy

Shake It Off

Sad Beautiful Tragic

Anti-Hero

The Very First Night

Last Kiss

Babe

Clean

Daylight

seven

Better Than Revenge

august

Dancing With Our Hands Tied

It's Nice To Have A Friend

Forever And Always (original version)

I Know Places

Bejeweled

Treacherous

You Need To Calm Down

Maroon

I'm Only Me When I'm With You

The Lucky One

You're Not Sorry

This Love

Long Live

Miss Americana & The Heartbreak Prince

Long Story Short

Delicate

High Infidelity

When Emma Falls In Love

Message In A Bottle

Stay Stay Stay

Getaway Car

Our Song

the last great american dynasty

I Think He Knows

Mr. Perfectly Fine

Mary's Song

Cornelia Street

The Other Side Of The Door

Don't You

Dorothea

We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together

Afterglow

False God

Starlight

Run

Jump Then Fall

Welcome To New York

Ours

Mastermind

Girl At Home

That's When

ME!

Begin Again

I Almost Do

Picture To Burn

If This Was A Movie

I Bet You Think About Me

Red

Mine

Lover

Superstar

Bad Blood

Teardrops On My Guitar

The Moment I Knew

Love Story

No Body, No Crime

Tim McGraw

So It Goes...

The Man

Blank Space

Bye Bye Baby

The Best Day

invisible string

Electric Touch

Karma (original)

Karma (Ice Spice)

...Ready For It?

Mean

Enchanted

Hits Different

Fearless

Everything Has Changed

Today Was A Fairytale

Look What You Made Me Do

Paris

Gorgeous

King Of My Heart

22

I Wish You Would

Out Of The Woods

Hey Stephen

gold rush

All You Had To Do Was Stay

You Belong With Me

End Game

Betty

Speak Now

Invisible

The Outside

How You Get The Girl

Superman

Style

London Boy

A Perfectly Good Heart

Stay Beautiful

Question...?

[mymagicisland]

No. 2 (with Park Jiyoon) | RM

Spotify | Lyric Video

Album: Indigo (2022)

Lyrics:

[Chorus]

그대여 더는 뒤돌아보지 마, mm Dear, don’t look back anymore, mm

그 많은 파도 다 지난 뒤에, mm-mm After all those waves have fully passed, mm-mm

무수한 만일이 널 괴롭혀도 Even if the countless ‘what if’s torment you,

이젠 니가 널 지켜줄 거야 You’re going to protect yourself now

그대여 더는 뒤돌아보지 마, mm Dear, don’t look back anymore, mm

선명히 뒤섞인 기억 뒤에, mm-mm Behind the clearly muddled up memories, mm-mm

이 남은 삶들은 덤처럼 남아 Are the rest of the bonus-like lives that remain

최선을 넌 다했을 뿐이야 All you did was just your best

[Verse]

그대여 더는 뒤돌아보지 마, mm-mm Dear, don’t look back anymore, mm-mm

어느 길이던 아쉬움 없을까, mm-mm No matter which path you take, is it possible to have no regrets? mm-mm

그래 넌 그리 특별하지 않아 (Yeah) ‘Yeah, you’re not all that special’ (Yeah)

이젠 이 말에 울지 않아 I don’t cry at these words anymore

I smile

That I ain't gotta prove myself

That I ain't the one, that I ain't the shit

그저 인정이 고프던 어린아이 Just a kid hungry for validation

이젠 노인정이 더 잘 어울릴 mind Now, a senior citizens' center* better suits my mind

나로 가득 차 터져버린 나의 풍선 My balloon that burst due to being full of me

터지고 안 건 그 안은 텅 비어있었단 거 What I realized after it burst was that it was all empty inside

끝없이 물었네 그냥 흘러도 되는 거야 I asked endlessly: ‘Is it okay to just go with the flow?’

속하고 싶지 않던 데 속해도 되는 거야? ‘Is it okay to belong to a place I didn’t want to belong to?’

Oh, 영원할 것 같던 melody Oh, a melody that seemed that seemed to last forever

그래 나, 나의 felony (Ooh-ooh) Yes, me, my felony (Ooh-ooh)

여태껏 배운 건 겨우 한 가지 Until now, there’s only one thing I’ve learned

I'll be forever me (Ooh-ooh)

필연이라 믿었던 그 모든 사고 All the accidents I believed to be inevitable

영겁처럼 길었던 그 모든 밤도 And all those nights that were as long as eternity

최선을 넌 다했을 뿐이야 (Ayy) All you did was just your best (Ayy)

[Chorus]

그대여 더는 뒤돌아보지 마, mm Dear, don’t look back anymore, mm

그 많은 파도 다 지난 뒤에, mm-mm (Stop) After all those waves have fully passed, mm-mm (Stop)

무수한 만일이 널 괴롭혀도 Even if the countless ‘what if’s torment you,

이젠 니가 널 지켜줄 거야 You’re going to protect yourself now

그대여 더는 뒤돌아보지 마, mm Dear, don’t look back anymore, mm

선명히 뒤섞인 기억 뒤에, ah-ah Behind the clearly muddled up memories, ah-ah

이 남은 삶들은 덤처럼 남아 (Yeah) Are the rest of the bonus-like lives that remain (Yeah)

최선을 넌 다했을 뿐이야 All you did was just your best

[Outro]

So no

No lookin' back, no

No lookin' back, no

No lookin' back

Don't look back no more

No lookin' back, no

No lookin' back

최선을 넌 다했을 뿐야 All you did was just your best

So no

No lookin' back, no

No lookin' back, no

No lookin' back

Don't look back no more

No lookin' back, no

No lookin' back

이젠 니가 널 지켜줄 거야 You’re going to protect yourself now

Translation Notes: [1] ‘인정 (injeong)’ - means ‘validation / acknowledgement’. ‘노인정 (noinjeong)’ in this line means ‘a senior citizens' center’, but the word itself also sounds like ‘no injeong’ as in ‘no validation’, so it’s wordplay in more ways than one.

This is a reminder to please refrain from using my translations without credit & to keep in mind that i sometimes edit them so it’s better to refer to my blog posts anyways <3

[venus-haze]

You've done vampire!Elvis but how about Werewolf!Elvis? I can only imagine...

I went with a but of a horror movie route for this one, I hope you don’t mind! I specifically though of Elvis’ cover of Blue Moon from his debut album for the howling and overall tone of this, it’s like the perfect combination of haunting and romantic🖤

Werewolf!Austin!Elvis x Reader

Warnings: Dark themes such as obsessive and manipulative behavior, mentions of body horror/gore, and elements of isolation, which some people may find disturbing or triggering. Do not interact if you are under 18 or post thinspo/ED content.

You’re walking home alone at night and with each step want to berate yourself for being too stupid to not call someone when you last passed a payphone. The full moon was bright, which should have quelled some of your nerves. Instead, a chill rolls down your spine

Too afraid to look behind you, you know you’re being watched, or followed, or both. You keep walking, your heart racing despite not doing anything strenuous, and when you finally muster up the courage to glance over your shoulder, there is, in fact, a man a few yards behind you

You start running because it can’t hurt things, until he starts running too, and for some reason, you decide to make a break for it in the nearby wooded area, hoping you can lose him at some point, but it seems like he knows them better than you do

Out of breath and terrified, you take refuge behind a tree, hoping you can make it back out to the road without him noticing. You hear a rustling in the autumn leaves that have fallen to the ground, and when you peek out from your hiding place you see a wolf, and you almost wish it had been the man instead when it begins howling almost hauntingly

You make the panicked decision to start running again, which works out about as well as it did the first time, and lose your way under the tree cover, slipping on wet leaves and tumbling down the hill littered with gnarled tree roots and sharp stones. As you go in an out of consciousness, you know you’re dead

Until you’re not, and you wake up with a major headache and an sharp pain in your side that prevents you from moving. You’re not sure where you are, but not long after you regain consciousness a man who looks like he could have been a movie star comes into the room, relief on his face

“Jesus, girl, I was startin’ to worry you’d never wake up,” he says. “You feelin’ alright?”

“Just my head and pretty much everything else,” you answer. “Why didn’t you bring me to a doctor?”

He jerks his head toward the window, rain pouring down outside. “Road’s washed out. The rain was startin’ to get real bad when I found you. What were you doin’ by your lonesome out there anyway?”

You recount the situation to him, and he looks genuinely concerned, which makes you feel a bit better. When he relays that he doesn’t have a phone, being so far out from town, your mood sinks just as quickly. The more you observe the place, the more you notice it doesn’t have much of anything. You know people are looking for you, but with the road washed out by the downpour and no phone, there’s no way to let anyone know where you are

He could have left you for dead, though, this man who had so little himself, and yet he took you in. He shares that his name is Elvis, and a handsome smile spreads across his face when you tell him yours

He spends the next week or so tending to the gash you have in your abdomen, and you can hardly stand to look at it because of how deep it is. Still, it’s healing a lot better than you expected from a man in a cabin in the woods who wouldn’t give you a straight answer when you asked him what he did for a living or how he could possibly survive on his own out there

When Elvis thinks you’re asleep, he goes out at night and only returns hours later, close to sunrise, yet he shows no signs of exhaustion in the mornings

Though the rain’s subsided, the road is still washed out, and you come to terms with being stuck with Elvis for longer than you’d expected. Not that you mind, he’s charming and funny, but you feel like a burden, and whenever you try to do something like clean up a little or cook, he insists it’s not good while you’re still recovering

As it nears a month since that terrifying night, you notice his behavior becoming increasingly erratic, especially when he comes back from his nightly outing to god knows where and declares his love for you at what you figure must be four o’clock in the morning, kissing you passionately and then not acknowledging it at all as the two of you eat breakfast just a few hours later

Washed out road or not, you need to get out of there. Not long after Elvis leaves around his usual time, you sneak out too, figuring it couldn’t be too hard to find the road from where you were, until you walk far enough to realize there is no road and you can hear an a familiar howling that makes your blood curdle—loud, clear and far too close for comfort

Then you see it, the silhouette that’s haunted your dreams for the past month approaching, getting closer until you recognize Elvis’ face contorted in pain and panic. “I knew it was you, Y/N. It had to be you,” he says frantically, stumbling forward toward you. “You should be ready now. This won’t hurt you”

“What? What are you talking about?” you ask, unable to produce any more words as you witness his painful and grotesque transformation under the silver moonlight. You stare at the wolf before you, unsure of what to do next, but he makes his move first, lunging straight for your throat

Taglist: @eliseinmemphis @kittenlittle24 @crash-and-cure @im-lame-irl @loudwombatmugkid @rxsesss @roseymary04 @queendelrey @jovialladyaurora @positivitylane112 @moonknightswif3 @holy-minseok @datsavageavenger @21bruhs @luckyevansstan

[the-bau-quinjet]

Always

Summary: You overhear Steve talking to Bucky about going back to be with Peggy. Rather than confronting the situation, you write him a letter.

Warnings: I cried just thinking about writing this, so much angst, some swearing

Word Count: 3305

a/n: here it is folks: the sad fic I mentioned a few posts ago. Inspired by a multitude of songs from the album Ashlyn by Ashe. I high key recommend listening to that album while you read or just in general. I'm pretending like nobody died in Endgame because that shit is sad and I know this is sad aside from that, but I still have a heart ya know?

Per usual, any song lyrics (or song lyrics that I changed a bit) are in bold! I think used lyrics from Me Without You, Save Myself, I'm Fine, Love is Not Enough, and Always.

Masterlist

"You'd really want to go back?" You overheard Bucky right before you walked into Steve's room.

"I don't know." He let out a deep sigh. "I mean, I do know, but what do you think?" Steve's answer left you wondering what they were discussing.

"All for Peggy?" Your heart stopped waiting for Steve to reply.

Another sigh escaped his lips. You could easily picture him running his hands down his face, a signal he was deep in thought. "I mean, I never got a chance to see what would happen with her. Don't you think she deserves this much?"

You felt frozen. You couldn't hear the rest of Steve's answer or Bucky's reply over the sound of blood rushing through your ears.

It was all too much to handle. Rather than confront the grab bag of emotions swimming inside of you, you turned around and went back to your room in a zombie like haze.

"Friday, don't let anyone in my room."

You know the AI replied, but you were still too caught up in thought to understand it. Your mind was full of questions you knew you couldn't figure out the answers to alone.

Why would Steve want to go back for Peggy when he had you? Why would he even consider it if he loved you like he said he does? Is he still in love with Peggy? Has he been in love with her the whole time? Why would he choose her when he's spent so much more time with you?

"Y/N?" The sound of Steve's voice outside your door startled you. "Y/N, honey, are you in there?"

You could hear the doorknob rattling in his attempt to open it, but Friday was doing as you asked.

"I thought you were going to meet me downstairs?"

His words only broke your heart more, a small sniffle escaping despite your efforts to remain quiet.

"Are you not feeling well? What's wrong?"

His questions were left unanswered, much like the questions swimming around your head.

Steve kept talking to you through the door for a while, but you never replied. You weren't ready to face him, not until you knew you wouldn't say something you'd later regret.

-

The next few days carried on much the same. You refused to leave your room, relying on various snacks and protein bars you had for food. Every few hours, you would try to write down what you were feeling, but it didn't help calm you down the same way it typically did.

Everyone tried talking to you, but nothing worked. Steve spent hours outside your door every day in an effort to get you to talk to him, but you just couldn't figure out your emotions. It was all still too much to handle.

Late one night, Steve said something that forced you into action.

"Y/N, I don't know what happened, but if I did something I'm truly sorry. I'm returning the stones tomorrow. We've never not said goodbye before a mission... I just hope this one is the same."

You listened as he quietly walked back down the hallway, steps slowly receding until you were left in the same absolute silence you've spent the last few days.

You knew you had to talk to him, but hearing him say to your face that he's staying with Peggy would kill you.

You couldn't survive a permanent goodbye, not in your current state of mind.

After a few minutes of silent contemplation, you decided to write Steve a letter. Maybe you'd give it to him or maybe it would just help you organize your thoughts. Either way, it would be helpful to write to someone for a change.

Hi Steve,

I, well, I guess I'll start with this. You deserve an apology. I'm truly sorry for ignoring you for the past few days. I just... I heard what you said to Bucky and I didn't know how to deal with it.

You know I've never been the best at controlling my emotions, so I just holed myself up in here. I avoided you so I could figure out my own feelings first.

I know I should talk to you. You deserve that too, but I don't think I could survive the heartbreak. I guess I'll try to explain everything I've been thinking and feeling since that night.

Honestly, I'm not sure where to start. It feels kind of stupid to say, but I obviously experienced a range of emotions when I first heard you and Bucky talking about going back.

You know I've always found solace in writing, so that's what I'm doing. I needed a way to clear my thoughts, and it turned into this concoction of thoughts and some poems - you know how I feel about poems. (Look at that! A sarcastic comment! I didn't think I was capable of humor anymore.)

This might not surprise you, but the first emotion I clung to was anger. I'm not angry anymore, well at least not as angry. Anyway, I wrote this next part when I was absolutely pissed at you.

-

What the fuck?

You want to go back in time and stay there?

You want to leave me behind?

Steve, what the fuck is wrong with you?

I could keep you here. If I really wanted to, I could figure out a way to do it. I could cut the brakes just to keep you from leaving. I'll do it too. My hands on the wheel would drive us into a wall.

You must think I'm being petty. Hiding in my room like a child to avoid you. All the while, here I am writing all the things I could do to keep you. Well, news flash: I don't need you. You made me think the only world I could exist in, was one you lived in, almost had me fooled.

Here's something you probably never considered, because I sure as shit never thought I'd even need to. I can be me without you. I don't have to rely on you for my own happiness. I thought you loved me, but if you want to go back and be with Peggy, do it. Go find yourself, let me down.

It's easy to sit here now and look back on how everything we had would always be second string to your relationship with her. God damn hindsight's 2020.

I want you to know, you did this to me. You broke my heart. When I heard you say you wanted a chance to be with Peggy, it's like my whole world crumbled down around me.

Everything I thought I knew was ripped out from under me. You poured rain all over my sunny. Yeah, someday, this could all be funny, but right now it's absolute shit.

And maybe everything will work out the way it's meant to be, but honestly I couldn't give less of a shit about that right now.

If I had the chance, I would take it back. Everything. Meeting you. Becoming friends. Dating you. Falling in love. I'd be jumping off your sinking ship, instead of going down with it.

It'd be so much easier that way. If I never fucking knew you.

One day I'll be good. I'll be over all of this bullshit. Right now I'm just mad. And you know what, it's justifiable. I think I'm allowed to be mad at you.

I'm over being so mature. If only I was never yours. Maybe I'll go back in time and undo it all. Then at least I could save myself from you.

-

Like I said, I wrote that in the heat of the moment. Once my brain caught up to my ears, all I saw was red. Anger didn't last as long as you might think though.

All that was how I felt in the moment, but I want you to know it's not true. I don't really believe any of it. I was hurt and angry and avoiding the pain I knew was just around the corner.

I've always told you anger would be my downfall because I just can't control what I say.

Let me be completely clear, I would never want to undo meeting you. You've been the best part of my life for years. I need you to know that I don't regret any of it and I never will.

Anyway, the anger shifted to tears pretty quickly. It wasn't hard to feel the pain that comes with someone you love leaving you. I can't honestly picture a world where I don't love you.

This is the first poem I wrote. With tear blurring my vision, I put pen to paper and this is what came out.

Complicated. Understated. On the way to, Devastated. I'm just holding on for dear life.

Short and sweet, right? Well, not so much sweet, but you get the point. I feel broken. Here's another bit of poetry for ya.

Right now I'm sorry, Burns through me darling, But I can't help hope In thirty years it won't.

Maybe I just need time. That's what everyone always says. "Time can heal all wounds."

It's hard to even think about moving on though when everything reminds me of you. I've got emotional souvenirs from fleeting moments we spent together. If this is the end, I'll always know you were my golden years. I know in the future I could close my eyes and go back there.

Maybe that's the hardest part. Knowing I'll always have these memories.

All I've been thinking about for the past three days is if this will ever feel better. And maybe it will, when time has passed.

Maybe when I'm older, I'll run out of stories about you. Maybe when I'm older, I'll know what it's like not to love you, Anymore.

Despite my best efforts, it's still only a maybe. Maybe when I'm older I'll be able to stop thinking about you every second of the day. Maybe when I'm older I won't feel like crying everytime I see your face.

But maybe not. Maybe I'll always feel this way.

Maybe when I'm six feet, underneath the concrete, I'll know what it's like not to want you, anymore.

I'm not saying all this to make you feel guilty. You don't need to tell me you're sorry. I know you are. I know you would never hurt me like this without a reason.

I should just talk to you, but I don't think I can. Not yet. We don't need to talk til we're ready. Both of us.

I guess I do have one question. Do you really love me?

I don't think I want to know the answer right now. Because even if you do... it takes a lot more than a rose, more than a kiss, more than a heart to truly love someone and spend forever with them.

It takes a lot more than a ring, more than a vow, more than a promise to build and maintain a relationship.

Love is not enough. I know that now. Even if you love me to the best of your abilities, you could still love Peggy more. Love may not be enough for us, but at least we got that much.

If you leave, I'll live the rest of my life grateful that at least I got your touch for as long as I did.

I used to think we could take our sweet time, that everything would be just fine. But now I know maybe not.

I cried for days. Like I said, I'm not writing this to make you feel guilty though. I just want to be completely honest. I cried a lot, probably more than I ever have before.

I kept replaying memories of time I spent with you. Not even dates, just the small moments that made me know I love you.

Like that day I woke up too early, almost put salt in my coffee. Oh I thank God that you stopped me before that.

I've never been a morning person, but ever since I met you you've always been there to keep my head on straight.

I think the thing I love most about you is how you can read me better than anyone I've ever known. I can hide from everyone else and they won't bat an eye. They never can tell when I'm falling apart on the inside.

No matter how hard I try to hide it though, you don't believe me when I say I'm alright. You can always, always tell.

It's like you've got a sixth sense that tells you I need you when I try to say I'm fine.

Before I met you, I would get so lonely everyday. Now I'm only lonely until you ask if I'm okay and then I remember that I have people who are there for me. I have you.

All this to say, I love you, Steve. I love you more than I've ever loved another human being.

Forever yours,

Y/N

-

It took you nearly all night to write a coherent letter and come up with a plan to talk to Steve. A quick glance at the clock let you know Steve would be up any minute, so you had to act fast.

You opened your door for the first time in days, running in a full sprint to the stairs and down the hall to Steve's door.

With one final burst of courage, you shoved the letter under the door and ran away before anyone could find you out of your room.

-

"Y/N?" A familiar knock on your door woke you from a restless sleep. "I read your letter, Y/N please let me explain."

It felt like time slowed down as you stared at the door.

"Y/N, I have to bring the stones back, but I really want to talk to you first."

"Come in." You steadied yourself with a deep breath, but one look at Steve ruined your flimsy resolve.

"Y/N... I tried to wait for you to come to me, but..."

He stopped talking when you shook your head, a painful sob forming in your chest.

"I've been thinking a lot." You started slowly, voice scratchy from days of not being used except to cry. "What if staying with me isn't the best thing to keep you happy?"

"Y/N, I-"

"Please let me finish." You waited for him to acknowledge your words before you spoke again.

"If letting you go is the best way to show that I love you, I will." Tears poured down your cheeks, breaths coming to you shakily.

"Captain Rogers, your presence is requested in the backyard." Friday's voice echoed through the room.

Steve looked more torn than you've ever seen him.

"Let's go." You nodded toward the door. "I've got more to say, but you've got somewhere to be."

Slowly, the two of you walked down the hall and entered the elevator.

"I don't know if you'll ever come back-"

"Y/N, really just let me-"

"Steve, please." You begged him to let you get it all out. "I won't ask 'cause that's selfish."

"It's not." He cut in again.

"It is. You deserve to be as happy as possible." With a slow, shaky breath you continued your speech. "I've come to terms I might never feel whole again."

The elevator doors slid open. You followed Steve to the yard where they set up the time machine.

"I'll be broken when you're gone, but I won't hold you back if it's wrong."

"Steve, there you are! Let's go-"

"In a minute, Sam." Steve's eyes never left you, remaining soft and caring. "We can go back inside if you want." He ran his thumbs over your cheeks, ridding them of tears only to be instantly replaced. You've always hated crying in front of people.

"I don't care what people say." You shook your head, ignoring the potential pitying looks you could receive for crying in front of others. Another deep breath, and you continued. "You know I won't force you to stay."

It was your turn to wipe tears from Steve's face.

"If you leave, I'll be okay. Just promise that you won't forget me babe."

"I could never-" He cut in again only to stop when you gave him a pleading look.

"I understand if leaving is what you have to do. I don't want you to go, but I'll be okay, eventually." You let out a watery chuckle, wiping your eyes again.

"Y/N, I never meant for-"

"Steve, you ready?" Sam interrupted again.

"It's fine. You can go." You did your best to hold back any lingering tears. You had to physically turn Steve around yourself and push him towards the machine.

"Y/N, please, I can't-"

"Steve, they're waiting for you. It's okay, I promise." He finally started to walk away only to pause when you called out one more thing. "Oh, Steve?"

"Yeah?" He wore a solemn smile.

"I'll love you always."

You watched as he listened to Banner's instructions and bid farewell to Sam and Bucky. The bitter part of you wondered if Sam knew.

A strangled sob left your mouth as soon as Steve disappeared. All three men standing around the machine looked your way, Sam and Bucky running toward you to help.

"He should be back any second. It's fine!" Sam desperately tried to console you, but you knew it wouldn't work.

"Y/N. Y/N! Listen to me. Did Steve talk to you?" Bucky asked, ignoring Sam's bewildered expression.

You nodded pitifully.

"Did he explain-" You cut him off.

"He- he didn't ha-have time.: You stuttered as you tried desperately to gulp in air through the tears. "I did most of the talking. I needed him to know it was okay."

"To know what was okay?" Sam asked, still clearly confused.

The thought of explaining it only broke you down more. You would have fallen to the ground if not for Bucky catching you. Your body leaned into his.

"Doll..." Bucky shook his head. "You should have let him explain."

You choked on another sob just thinking about it.

"Shh, it's okay. You'll be okay." Bucky whispered in your ear, ignoring Sam's confused glares.

"Y/N..." The sound of Steve's voice echoed in your ears causing another painful sob to jolt through your body.

"Baby, please look at me."

You genuinely thought you were hallucinating when you opened your eyes to see Steve towering over you.

"Steve?" Your voice was barely a whisper.

"It's me, I'm here." He gently took you from Bucky's arms, cradling you close to him but leaning his head far enough away for you to look into your eyes.

"You came back..." Your tears slowed, gently falling down your cheeks as you stared at him wide-eyed.

"I was never planning to leave." He spoke while gently stroking your hair.

"B-but, you were talking to Bucky about going back?" Your tears gave way to confusion as you glanced between him and Bucky.

"Just to say goodbye." He pressed a soft kiss to your forehead, breathing in your scent. "I just thought she deserved a real goodbye."

New tears pooled in your eyes as you took in his words. "So, you never wanted to leave me?"

"I could never, and would never, leave you. I love you so much. I just wish I knew why you were holed up in your room sooner." He smiled at you, the same adoring smile he gave you the first time you met.

"I love you too. Always." You leaned into his embrace, relishing in the touch you thought you'd lost forever. He whispered his reply, clinging to you just as much as you were to him.

"Always."

a/n: today I discovered I am truly incapable of writing a sad ending. I just like the idea of escaping to a reality where Steve would never abandon me.

Permanent taglist:

@averyhotchner

@jesuswasnotawhiteman

@strawberryspence

@sebastnstn

[maximura]

MAXSIX: TOP 22 SONGS OF 2022

Hi tumblr! Wishing you all a Happy New Year in 2023. Things have been absolutely crazy busy down here so I haven’t posted much lately but I hope you’re all safe, healthy and will have a successful year ahead. I thought KPOP gave us an absolutely amazing year of music actually. It was truly the year of the Girl Group and even though I love boy groups more, I have zero complaints. Here’s my Top 22 songs. 

22. That Feeling When by Enhypen. This song is just so comforting for me. I put it on when I’ve had an awful week. It sounds like a walk in the park on a sunny day. The structure, tempo and instrumentation sounds very very similar to Post Malone’s Circles but much softer and less traumatised.  I appreciate that they consistently put out albums with fully-formed songs on them. I don’t think they will ever be my bias group because I just don’t really vibe with them. I don’t understand their identity or personality (as a group). I don’t understand what part of the market they are aiming for. But they are just new so they have time to figure that out. 

21. BTBT by B.I. Oh Kim Hanbin, we meet again, under very very different circumstances this time. It’s been nearly EIGHT YEARS since Ikon debuted and excuse me while I ride this wave of memory and nostalgia for a minute. I’m always proud of how he came back. I wanted to include Illa Illa but that was last year. There’s something so fluid, calm and content about his material now. It’s a lot like the flow of water and I’m sure there’s a whole paragraph about symbolism and rebirth and change in here somewhere but ain’t nobody got time for my essay on him (me included). 

20. Antifragile by LE SSERAFIM. I only checked out this group because I really think Bangs (Chaewon) is a big star and would be an IT Girl if Wonyoung did not already exist. I like Fearlesss and Sour Grapes too but I won’t lie, I am really in my Trash-GG-Pop era and Antifragile is so weird but so catchy. I like the use of these lesser-heard chords and it honestly sounds so enjoyably wrong. Fearless is the more stylish song but sometimes you’d rather wear a fur jacket than black suit, you know? They’re off to a good start but the reason they’re this low on my list is because I cannot really love them yet? There’s no gateway bias for me into LS. Excited for their future output though. 

19. INVU by Taeyeon. She is one of those cases where I truly have to separate the artist from the art to enjoy it. Her voice is just beautiful here and this song is so lush and gorgeous. I really like the bittersweet nature of INVU and the emotion she was able to bring to it. She really connects with the audience and I think it’s why she remains so successful and popular. The rest of her personality? I will not comment on. 

18. Shut Down by Blackpink. Sorry I ended up liking this trash. I know I am already contractually obligated to support all Australians in KPOP but sometimes the Garbage lady did well and needs to be promoted to Garbage Boss. It was a toss up between this and Pink Venom but this won because the Lisa verses bothered me less here. Jennie was always their better rapper anyways and for those who disagree, you are 100% entitled to your (wrong) opinion. 

17. Feel My Rhythm/In My Dreams by Red Velvet. For me, they will never top Bad Boy and Psycho but I enjoyed the classic sampling of Bach in FMR. I’m including both in this because they are so similar and I often listen to them together when I want to be in this very particular mood. They’re just both so pretty and soothing to me and that’s all there is to this comment. Great gowns, beautiful gowns etc. 

16. Ballroom Extravaganza by DPR Ian. The contractual obligation to support all Australians continues. He has some absolutely devastating material to be honest. He writes things that take me back to my disastrous uni years; when I thought I was living in a Hole album but truthfully, I just needed therapy and a good night’s sleep. He’s my Breakdown OST man. If you vibed with anything I just wrote there, you need Christian Yu in your life. I don’t listen to him often because I don’t like revisiting my breakdown eras but the music is very very good. He’s like the music version of Sicario, which is one of the best movies I’ve ever seen but never ever want to see again. 

15. After Like by IVE. It’s just so cute. That’s all. It’s just fun and cute and you can listen to it without any kind of stress or expectation. The sample from Gloria Gaynor had me wondering how rich their management is because damm, not even BTS sampled something this famous. This one is particularly good to have on when you’re getting ready to go out. 

14. Young Luv StayC. This was a song that I instantly understood and connected with. I always thought of this as the sister version of TXT’s Loser = Lover, which was actually my most played KPOP song of 2022, even though it was released August 2021. Sentimental rock songs are just my thing I guess. I really love the tempo of these pop-rock songs and it’s crazy to me that StayC and TXT do the genre SO well but don’t lean more heavily into it. This constant need for re-invention is not always necessary. Sometimes I wish groups could figure out what they do best and stick with it. Not everyone can be Seventeen. 

13. Muddy Water by Stray Kids. This is my favourite Skz song this year and if they don’t play this when I see them live, I will protest loudly and annoyingly. Changbin usually has my favourite verse in every single Skz song but it’s all Felix MVP for this one because I always prefer deeper-rap to chipmunk. Hyunjin’s lower register is so nice to listen to and I’m so frustrated they don’t use it more often. Jisung is flawless as usual and I sit here patiently waiting for him to drop his (likely) psychological Jixtape. No clown music please, give me all the shadows of your mind Han Jisung. 

12. Ash by Seventeen. What a surprise and revelation this song was, tacked to the end of the album like a “Oh yeah we’ll just put one of our best songs here like an afterthought”. This is Vernon’s song and his rap verse is one of the BEST I have heard all year. It is just flawless in its tone, pace and delivery. He’s a really good example of knowing what he does well and perfecting it over time. Black Eye just came out and I absolutely adore his voice on it. He’s just such a revelation and I hope there is more solo material from him in the future. I didn’t think Seventeen could do anything to surprise me anymore but they do it every time. What a group. 

11. HOT by Seventeen. This was the song that got me back into the fandom, after Mansae (seven years ago!) I love the intro. Definitely one of the best intros I’ve heard in a long time because it set the tone immediately. This song always gives me a big hit of energy when it plays, kinda of like taking a sip of Red Bull. I have to just talk about how crazy talented the video editers were. The amount of work that went into the HOT mv blows my mind every day. Whenever I sit and watch it, my head can’t compute that humans put this together. 

10. Guerrilla by ATEEZ. The most surprising song for me this year. It was at once the most expected thing from Ateez and so damm unexpected. I didn’t think any group would lean this hard into this genre because Korean versions of anything but pop is always a diluted Hello-Kitty version. I feel like it announced them in a Big Way and I love watching them riding this wave. Every time I listen to them I thank the Universe that they managed to get Jongho in the line up. I think this needed to be their title track (for the impact) but the album absolutely had even better songs on it.

9. Cheers by Seventeen. The confidence and arrogance and cockiness involved here was so tasty to witness. Also: Seungcheol ass. Yeah, I play this one a lot and whenever I blast it driving, my lil Kompressor thinks he’s a Nissan GTR in Tokyo Drift. 

8. Wildfire by Monsta X. I know the bare minimum about this group so I had the lowest of expectations but the longevity of this song on my playlist truly surprised me. It’s a slutty club jam with torment and a narrative that I totally understand. I have always maintained that the writing, production and depth of this song is what ‘Red Lights’ was striving to be. I think you need to have lived through some shit to bring the necessary conviction to songs like this. Do I feel that Chan has been through a soul destroying toxic relationship? No. Do I believe Hyungwon has one every Sunday? Absolutely. I pray every day for him to release a solo version of this. 

7. Attention by New Jeans. The first thing I heard from them and man, what an introduction. A total breath of fresh air in the age of mash-up noize songs. It took me a long time to figure out what I really like about them and it’s the minimalism. KPOP is so crazy and OTT where More is More so when you get something stripped back like this, it seems new. 

6. Cyberpunk by Ateez. The World: Movement was one of the most solid albums released this year and it absolutely blows my mind whenever end of year lists don’t at least acknowledge how cohesive it is and how TIGHT that production was, like damm, they really kept only the choice cuts. I love the journey of Cyberpunk because when it started, my brain just went: Bladerunner 2049 Club Jam. The Hongjoong-Mingi rap though, worth buying the entire album for. They just never disappoint me. If you see Song Mingi today, please tell him that I love him. 

5. Hype Boy by New Jeans. This song reminds me SO much of 2nd Gen SM girl groups. It reminds me of S.E.S, who were the first Kpop group that I knew about and loved. This is just a very very good and well written song. There’s really nothing else to it. When the music is so solid, there doesn’t need to be anything else added to the equation. By sounding 2nd Gen, they’ve managed to make groups like Itzy and NMIXX sound so dated and messy in comparison. 

4. Run BTS by BTS. Well well well. And look what we have here. It took years of utterly whelming material for me to get something like this from them again. This is so fun, memorable, catchy and full of the attitude and personality I think they kinda lost along their way to infamy. It sounds like 2nd Grade lost all its baby fat and graduated from college with $3 in its pocket. If you think I sound like an old person then get off my lawn. 

3. Ring by TXT. Kang Taehyun is my favourite boy on this entire list and this song is his (feat. Yeonjun’s rap, which is one of his best imo). It’s cute but not saccharine. It’s simple without being one of those superficial filler songs on an album. It’s lighthearted but performed seriously well. Anyways, Kang Taehyun is my favourite boy. Did I tell you how Taehyun is my favourite boy. No? Well he is my favourite boy. Ok. That is that all.

2. Ditto by New Jeans. Australians in KPOP always outsell but an Australian-Vietnamese Girl in KPOP? Represent, Pham Hanni. This song and the MVs were like a shot of Nostalgia Cocaine straight into my veins. It hit really hard in a way I was not expecting and I was thinking about all the friends from school that I don’t see anymore. I hope they continue to provide to us with great, well written (age appropriate) music. I have my own issues with their management and can only hope good things for them in the future. This just came out like 5 minutes ago and I already love it. 

1. Love Dive by IVE. Even if I didn’t like this song (which I do), I can comfortable give it the title of Song of the Year. This is the perfect representation of them as a concept: high teen, unattainable but not intimidating, cool but not in a way that alienates kids who grew up unpopular. The minimalistic structure and tight production of this song is 10/10 but the things that truly made it for me are the ethereal angel vocals and that beat pause before the chorus at the end. The choices......they are flawless. Future Classic already. 

[braunbakery]

meet me at our spot (1)

☞ eren jaeger x reader [fem bodied] [chapter word count: 1.5k]

☞ sfw, fluff, mild angst, modern au, short fic, other characters present

fic plot: before high school, you and eren were best friends. after high school, you and eren are strangers still grasping at those same past threads.

inspired by meet me at our spot by the anxiety

next.

1. i’m not getting younger

it’s when you see eren have a small kickback after graduation through your bedroom window that you know you’re going to go back up to the treehouse.

it feels dumb that it had taken that long and it was that specific and pretty unsurprising straw that had led you to realise that, fuck, there is no small withering hope that maybe the two of you could go back to old times again.

there was something about the green and white graduation gowns sauntering around eren’s back yard that made your stomach turn, that made you realise that after middle school, small nods of acknowledgment and maybe a spare smile were all you were ever going to get from eren. even if you were neighbours or childhood friends or whatever string you thought would always remain between the two of you.

so you decide that night that you’re going to wake up the next morning and make the trip to the treehouse between your yards. you had stuff from years ago to get, and what better way to say goodbye to this part of your life than to pack it all up?

so why the fuck is it that at ten in the morning, after finally making your way up the dusty ass ladder to the treehouse, you’re met with eren bent in front of a box in the small wooden room and violently rummaging through it. you consider turning back around but he’s already craning his head back when he hears your heavy footsteps on the creaky floorboards.

“shit, hey,” he says, twisting his whole body to face you and standing upright. you don’t want to feel resentment towards him, but you can’t help it when he gives you a small smile like the two of you haven’t properly had a conversation since fucking middle school.

“hi…” you say carefully, “what are you doing here?”

eren laughs before he even makes a joke. you had forgotten that about him, “i mean, this is my treehouse too.”

“right.”

you don’t think you’ve stood in front of him for this long or this close in four years. and you knew he’d grown out his hair, so you don’t know why you can feel your eyes widening when you realise he has it tied up in a bun. eren cocks his head at you.

“you good?” he asks, pulling you straight out of your thoughts.

“right,” you repeat again, “well, i’ll just go then…” you start turning back around. childhood memory decluttering can wait.

“wait,” eren calls out to you and you freeze in place faster than you’d like to admit, “you don’t have to.”

“uh…”

“you’ve got stuff here too, right?” eren asks.

“yeah, i’m pretty sure anyway.”

you both shift awkwardly from one foot to the other.

“so you gonna get it?” eren cuts through the thick silence.

you blurt out a hurried ‘oh yeah’ and shuffle towards the side of the room he stands on, walking past him and crouching down to the same set of boxes he was rummaging through when he walked in. your hands freeze when crouches down next to you and his knee accidentally knocks into yours. what are you expecting? this place is tiny. you know this and you know that he’s just here to kill time probably.

you pretend to be intently looking for nothing in particular, sifting through scrap books and drawings and home-made keychains (and a box of dried paints and play dough? alright then.) maybe eren will get up and leave with whatever it is he wanted and you can be left in peace.

for someone who had spend the last couple of years wondering when he would speak to you again, you sure were in a hurry to get rid of him.

it’s just…awkward. and you’d rather avoid awkward.

“hey,” eren says, nudging your arm with his elbow. his touch makes you immediately jerk your head towards him, heart pounding, “check this out.”

before you can say anything eren is passing you a dusty photo album, his fingers slightly brushing over yours when he pushes it into your arms. you open the first page and there you and eren are, hanging off of the same tree you sit on now eight years earlier.

“i completely forgot about this,” you say quietly, flipping through more and more pages of you and eren and other people the two of you played with.

“yeah,” eren laughs curtly and you can feel his gaze on you. you can feel him watching you flick from picture to picture, and you think that this is starting to seem a lot more like before high school, “pretty sure we insisted we keep it here.”

“you sure that wasn’t just you?” you look up at him grinning and you’re so acutely aware of the way your nerves are starting to trickle away from you and for some reason you’re relieved.

“hey,” eren feigns offense, snatching the photo album up from your hands, “you used to be just as bad as me before you became all goodie two shoes in middle school.”

you laugh at his defensiveness, grabbing the photo album in his hands and attempting to pull it back to your lap, “i think that’s called growing up, eren.”

eren’s grip doesn’t relent, so you pull harder and harder at the photo album. his eyes look straight at you, teeth gleaming with that same cheshire cat smile from when he was a kid.

“you can do better than that,” eren teases when you fail to loosen his grasp on the album.

“fuck you,” you say, donning the same grin as him as you give the photo album one final pull. and suddenly eren’s grip is completely gone and you’re being sent backwards until your head hits the floorboards and you’re staring at the ceilings. you only realise eren has scrambled on top of you when his eyes enter your vision.

“shit,” eren exclaims, grabbing your upper arms in an attempt to pull you back upright, “sorry, i didn’t think you’d go fucking flying back.”

as eren pulls you back up the stray pieces of hair at the front of his head lightly brush against your face and you recoil at the tickling sensation. eren laughs at you.

“your hair is too fucking long,” you comment when you’re sitting back upright across from eren.

“oh really?” eren raises a brow, “there go my rapunzel plans.”

“yeah, yeah,” you roll your eyes at him and try to ignore the way your heart races when he chuckles again.

bzz bzz bzz

both of your eyes dart down to eren’s glowing pocket, and he immediately fishes out his phone and puts it up to his ear.

“hello?” eren speaks to the person at the other end of the phone. you watch him carefully, mentally tracing out all the new scars and bruises and wrinkles that mark his face now that hadn’t before. his brows are bushier, his under eyes slightly darker, and you think you can make out a hint of stubble. for some reason it just makes the feeling of loss that had always dawned upon you whenever you walked past his house, or past his lunch table, or past him come back to you.

why are you hoping you see him again after this? it’s over now. you both have your own lives. you’re both off to college after this summer. 4 years don’t disappear just like that.

“yeah, i’ll be there soon,” eren says before hanging up the phone and shoving it back in his pocket. he gets up off of the floor of the treehouse, looking down at you with an apologetic smile. why is he sorry? he doesn’t owe you anything. you don’t want him to owe you, you want him to want to hang out with you out of his own accord, “i’ve gotta head out.”

“yeah, see you then.”

“you staying here?”

“yeah.”

eren nods his head at you before making his way towards the ladder outside the treehouse. you can hear the creaks of the first few steps.

“hey!” eren calls out, and your head is jerking up again, meeting his eyes as he begins his descent down the ladder, “i’ll see you around, yeah?”

you smile and nod, “yeah.”

the disappointment sets in when you see him walk back towards his house. you wait until you hear him start his car engine and watch him pull out of his driveway ‘til you climb back down and make your way back inside your house.

you wanna say that this sucks because you were only just starting to get over the loss of one of your best friends. and then you had to see him and laugh with him and talk to him.

but you know that the truth is that it just cruelly reminds you of how you’re very much still not over it at all.

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[writingsfromhome]

Crystal Clear

A/N: Here’s some fluff, friends to lovers I’ve had going on while I work on something bigger :))

----------------------------------------

“Y/N,” a strange man calls my name. I look him up and down but I don’t think I know him.

“Who’s asking?”

“Y/N, it’s me? Harry.”

“Oh,” I laugh and greet him how I would have if I’d recognized him under all those layers, in a great big hug. “Your disguise is brilliant!”

“It’s not a disguise,” he says into his coat. “It’s bloody cold here.”

“Coldest day so far,” I accept the hot chocolate from the vendor and ask him for another, Harry could use one, poor thing. His plans this week were changed last minute, and since he was in New York City where his best childhood friend lived, he decided to actually hang out with me. Ever since he got famous, it was hard to catch time with him.

“Did the cold freeze all the English out of you? You’re not even wearing mittens,” Harry accepts his own cup from the vendor.

“I’m got them in my pocket,” I point to the bulge on the side of my coat as we step aside and make our way deeper into the winter festival that was at Bryant Park. “Don’t insult me, I can still make a better cup of tea than you ever could.”

“There she is,” I hear the smile in Harry’s voice more than I see it. It truly was ridiculous--not only was he wearing the thickest parka I’d ever seen, he also had on a beanie and a scarf, as well as knit gloves that held tightly to his hot chocolate.

“I’m always here, you’re just too busy to see me.”

“Not this again,” he groans. I was always giving him grief every time he touched down to NYC but didn’t pop by for a visit. I knew he had a hectic schedule, and even though I wasn’t that bothered I still liked to tease him.

“It’s true, you come to the city so often but I see you once a year. And maybe again when I’m in London if I get lucky.”

“I’m busy Y/N, I talk to you all the time!”

“I know,” I elbow him. “I just like to rile you up.”

“Well now that you’ve got that out of your system,” he tugs my hat over my eyes. “Where are we going next?”

I push it back up, “I thought we could just wander the shops, then get on the skating rink if you’re not frozen to death.”

“Alright I’ve got to pick some gifts up anyway let’s see what’s here.”

We make a good team as we visit stands selling ornaments and kitschy decor, handmade gifts, and hot cider. We sift through exactly what we might want, or what the other’s looking for. And with the light dusting of snow coming down, and the bright lights strung around the Park, it was like walking in a Christmas movie.

“Look at this,” I point ahead. We’d nearly visited all the stands and holiday shops but a festive psychic advertises their services in a small glass booth. “Should we?”

“It’s a waste of money,” Harry scoffs. “She’s just going to read your body language.”

“She might be the real deal-”

“You can’t be serious-”

“C’mon!” I tug his gloves hand and it takes a few but he stumbles towards me. It’s slightly warmer inside and I notice the space heater running in the corner. “At least it’s warm” I whisper to Harry.

“You really want to do this?” He asks one last time.

“It’s just $10-”

“$20 for the two,” the woman almost shifts out of the wall and I hide my jump with a laugh. There’s a curtain behind her, I realize, she must have stepped out.

“It’s just me,” I clarify.

She eyes Harry and Harry eyes her back. “You look familiar.”

“Just have that face,” he shrugs, burrowing into his scarf. “I’m just here to watch.”

She stares at him a moment longer before settling at the small table. I flash Harry a smile before sitting down myself, setting my bags onto the floor.

“Palm reading, cards, what will it be dear?” The psychic asks. I remember the sign out front said cards would be more than having my palm read so I opt for the cheaper option.

“Hm,” she says thoughtfully as she traces the lines on my palm. I wriggle my eyebrows at Harry and he rolls his eyes, but he stays watching her like a hawk. It was cute how overprotective he got sometimes. The psychic glances up to catch him watching her, she then glances at me and tilts her head.

“I see longevity, in life and love, a few bumps but you’re a strong persistent woman.”

Harry grumbles behind me and I resist the urge to say something to him.

“I see success after hard, hard work. But a big success that will change the course of your career.”

“Wow, how soon?” I ask.

“Mmm, after a big milestone. Turning 30?” she continues to examine my hand. “I see a second life later in life, with kids...just one no maybe two children.”

“How about her love life?” Harry asks. “Her last love s’not too nice.”

“Seriously Harry?” I turn to glare this time. He’s grinning with flushed cheeks, knowing it was a sore spot he liked to say i told you so to. It was true, he had told me so about my 3 year relationship but I’d ignored him.

“Your love life,’ the woman speaks up. “Shows me two great loves. One cuts short, the other is as long as your life line.”

“Ooh,” I lean in, interested. “I think I know about the one that was cut short. Tell me about the second!”

“This second...” she traces my palm and I feel a tingle. “This second love is very close, a bit rocky but it will last.”

“A bit rocky?”

“Hm,” she chews her bottom lip. “Time, distance...it will make it rocky. But it lasts.”

“So how close is close?” I ask eagerly.

“Close,” she says with a smile that tells me I wasn’t getting anything else out of her.

“That’s a bit vague isn’t it?” Harry pipes up from the back.

“The future isn’t always crystal clear,” she says without looking up at him.

“Lay off,” I scold him.

“It’s okay, I get nonbelievers all the time.” She laughs. “That will be $10 dear.” When I hand her the bill she stops me as she takes it. “A little free advice?”

“Sure.” I pick up the bags I placed on the floor earlier.

"Don’t be so focused on the life you want that you don’t see the life you have around you.”

“I’ve actually told her that before,” Harry decides we want more of his unsolicited opinions. “Maybe there is something true to all of this.”

“Thanks,” I pocket her words for later. Harry was right, he’d said something along those lines to me before, especially when it came to giving up control and going with the flow on trips and events with him. I always declined his offers, we lived a modest life growing up and accepting these gifts from him always felt so excessive. I wanted to make my own way in the world, but Harry always had something to say. “And sorry for his attitude, he’s not always this rude.”

“Yeah,” Harry shifts forward. “I didn’t mean anything by it, I’m a lot nicer usually.”

“I know,” she smiles.

“She’s psychic,” I remind him.

“I’m also online,” she laughs. “Can I get a picture?”

Harry eyes me, before going in for a selfie with her. I know he usually didn’t mind getting asked in smaller settings but he’d admitted it was something he was still getting used to. It had been a couple years since he became so famous, in such a short amount of time I went from being able to go down to a local pub with my best friend to schedules and security details and a whole other list of complications. Sometimes I hated it, mostly I was happy for him.

“Another day, another fan.” I tell Harry after we walk away from the psychic and he flips me off. “Should we get something to eat and get out of the cold?”

“God yes,” Harry shivers. “Can we just go to yours?”

“Let’s go,” I loop my arm through Harry’s.

Harry wants instant warmth so he hails a cab and we pick up takeout once we reach my neighbourhood. Harry had been here a few times, my roommate had gotten used to the fact that I was best friends with him, and sometimes he preferred to stay here when he wanted to be anonymous. Paparazzi sometimes crowded outside his hotel when word leaked he was there.

We eat ourselves into a food coma and Harry decides to stay the night, not wanting to face the cold again. Since our living room couch sprained his neck the only time he’d slept there, he usually crashed in my bed. His head barely hits the pillow before he’s snoring, I guess the jet lag finally caught up.

***

I jerk out of sleep, a crashing noise followed by swearing catches my attention.

“I think your roommate dropped something,” I hear from beside me. I turn my face to get a facefull of Harry’s thigh tattoos.

“Y’think?” I croak and shift backwards to see his face. He’s sitting up in bed and scrolling through his phone.

“Guess which psychic is officially internet-famous?” Harry asks dryly.

“Hm?” I’m still calming my heart from waking up so suddenly so it takes a moment to register Harry’s words. “What?”

He shoves his phone in my face, the selfie he took with the psychic yesterday is posted on social media with over half a million likes. He swipes away and a lot of his tag is filled with news outlets and fan accounts spamming the picture. He pulls it back to read a heading: “Harry Styles visits Psychic for ideas on his next album. There’s also Harry Styles rumored to be connected to the Occult...I don’t know what that means. Psychic tells all on Harry Styles reading.”

“How did that picture circulate?” I rub my eyes and sit up beside him. “And where is all of this coming from?”

“She has a Twitter, and she posted the picture.” He shows me, it’s there with the caption A handsome face showed up to my booth at the Bryant Park Market tonight. Get your future told, 5pm to 9pm 7 days a week.

I can’t help but laugh, she was a business woman and she really took the opportunity to sell her service.

“It’s not funny Y/N,” Harry looks furious so I cover my mouth and squint at his screen as he scrolls. A ton of people are responding asking about his future or what he came there for. Amongst them, she responds to only one person: His love life was involved.

My jaw drops, “That’s such a lie! She read me my love life, and life lines!”

“I told you she was a fraud,” Harry jerks the phone back to him.

“She lied for sales, but doesn’t mean she didn’t tell the truth yesterday.”

“If she lied about this she lied about it all and you wasted $10. She only talked about your love life, not mine...”

I remember her words, my second love was very close...could she have meant...

I glance at Harry and he seemed to have followed the same train of thought because we lock eyes, his probably just as wide as mine.

“D’you think?” he says just as I say “Was she...?”

We immediately burst out laughing as the tension comes to a head and bubbles over in a safe trickle.

“Is that what she was trying to say?” I say when I’ve finally caught my breath, my stomach hurt from laughing this hard.

“I guess when she said close she meant close,” Harry’s flat on his back from laughing. “Quite literal.”

“And you were calling her out on being so vague.”

“I’ve got to give it to her,” he shuts his phone off and throws it onto the covers between us, releasing the annoyance. “She’s a good businesswoman.”

“I was thinking the same thing but I thought you might kill me if I said that,” I admit.

We lay on the rumpled covers in silence, I think about everything else she said. The potential of it all is tarnished by the idea of Harry being my second love, for life. It was so ridiculous, unless by love she meant the way I love him now. As my best friend. Our lives were so different, there was no way it could ever work. Not to mention...he was my best friend since forever.

“Have you ever thought about it?” Harry asks out of the blue.

“Thought about what?” I prop myself on my elbow.

“Us, like...the way she predicted?”

“Together together?” I can’t help but laugh. “No never, you’re my best friend!” I recognize the flash of hurt so I backtrack a little. “No offense Harry, I love you but could you imagine?”

“I have,” he says it so quietly as I lay back down. “What?” I ask. He shrugs, “I’m surprised you haven’t. We’ve been friends since...we were 7. You’re saying you never thought about it?”

“No,” I shake my head. “Actually I haven’t. When...what did you think about?”

“I dunno,” he fiddles with his rings. “Like for school dances, when I didn’t have a date I thought about asking you as more than a friend...thought about where that could lead. Or every time you had your heart broke. I wanted to take the pain away and just show you what you deserved.”

“Harry I...” it was sweet, what he was saying. But he never gave a single clue about it the entire time we grew up. He was always chasing girls who looked nothing like me, so I always thought that’s what his type was. Never did I think about anything more with him.

“Not-not recently though,” he forces a laugh. “Just when we were kids.”

“That’s sweet Harry. I had no idea.”

He shrugs, and sits up.

“No seriously I...that’s so sweet. But just so you know, you have shown me what a good man can be. Just by being the best friend ever.”

“Aw,” he swipes my cheek as he gets up. “That’s cute. I don’t know if I’ve done such a good job when you’ve only dated knobs.”

I could recognize his defense mechanism--turning it into a big joke. But he leaves the room before I can call him out and I’m left sitting in the mess of what he’d just told me. It’s not that it was awkward or a bad thing, but suddenly it felt tense and the tension triggered an anxious feeling in my chest.

I decide to get out of my room and find my roommate cleaning up the remains of her broken mug. I offer to clean the spill as she dresses to go out for her run. Helping her distracts me, and when I hear Harry leave the bathroom I lock myself in, and try some breathing exercises to clear the anxiety creeping up. When I realize I was trying to avoid Harry, I scold myself. This was ridiculous and funny! Harry wanted to ask me out when we were kids, it was cute, and that was it. The psychic was a fake anyway, nothing she said meant anything.

I head back to my room where Harry’s made the bed. I change into trousers and my favourite fisherman sweater, and find him having coffee at our small kitchen table with his phone on speaker as he talks to someone. His legs barely fit underneath, so they’re sprawled to the side. He’s still shirtless, and my attention snags on his torso.

I shake myself out of my thoughts as I bump into the kitchen island, and glance up to see that although he was talking to the person on the phone, his eyes had been on me...while my eyes were on his abs. Oh god, I cringe. I try to act casual, mouthing if he wanted breakfast but he shakes his head and points to the call he’s having.

I make myself a toast and try to ignore what just happened but it only adds to the tension from this morning. When he gets off his call he brings his cup up to the sink.

“I think I need another cup.”

“Be my guest,” I move aside. “You sure you don’t want breakfast?”

“Are you going to feed me avocado flax seed quinoa toast?” he teases.

“There’s no quinoa.” I correct, crossing my arms. “But...yes.”

“I’ll take this banana,” he holds the lone banana on the counter. “I’ve got to be in East Harlem by noon, that’s what the call was about.”

“Aw,” I hated saying goodbye. “Are you busy the rest of your stay?”

“I can make it back here,” he says.

“Do whatever you need to do,” I say. “I’m used to being discarded after you hang out with me in the city.”

“I don’t do that!” he reaches behind me to slot his cup in and set the machine to grind his beans. I can smell my shampoo on him, he must’ve showered. “If you want me back, you can just say that.”

The morning sunlight streaming through the kitchen window leaves no room for shadows; the shift in the mood is clear as the daylight streaming in. Or maybe I was reading too much into his words.

“I always want you back,” I look up to his height now that he’s standing so close, and the kitchen tightens further.

We’re stuck in a tableau; with my back against the fridge looking up at him as he gazes down with a curious expression. My mind grows blank the longer I stare. No one says a word, the sound of beans grinding the only noise in the kitchen.

My best friend in the whole world looks torn standing in front of me like this, and as my senses slowly rush back I realize that even if my expression doesn’t show it...I was torn. Because out of nowhere, all I can think about are all the questions I ever shoved away in the dark: what would it feel like if I kissed him right now? And what would have happened to us if he had asked me out to our school dance? Would we still be best friends? Would we have cut each other out? How many universes were we still good together like this? How many universes were we good together as more than this?

An urge to touch his face, make sure this was real, takes over me. But as soon as my fingers brush his cheek he snaps out of his trance and stumbles back like I’d burned him.

He forces a laugh. “I really do need that coffee.”

“Right,” I turn to the machine to put the grinds into their slot but I yank too hard and the freshly ground coffee flies out towards me. “Shit!”

“What happ-” Harry takes one look at what’s happened and turns away, his shoulders shaking.

“I can see you right in front of me laughing!” I shout. “Help me!”

“It’s all over you Y/N,” he turns around, tears in his eyes. “Give me this, I’ll put it far away from you.” He takes the remaining grinds and sets it down. I brush away what’s closest to my eyes so I can see and try to shake it off my sweater but they stick to the fibers of the knit.

“Great,” I grumble. “This is dry clean only.”

“It’s in your hair,” he runs his fingers through the strands that hang over my shoulder. I shake my head to dislodge the grinds; his fingers brush my neck away and tucks my hair behind my ear. “Uhm, that should be most of it.”

“It’s not out of this sweater,” I pout. “Screw dry clean, why did I think I could buy dry cleaning clothes?”

“I can drop it off on the way out today?” he offers.

“That means you’re coming back to drop it off to me?!” I ask hopefully.

His expression softens, “Y/N I’m coming back to your flat. I promise.”

“He promises!” I shout. Even though things were a bit awkward this morning, I got to spend more time with my hard-to-catch best friend and for that I was over the moon.

“We could also try to vacuum the sweater?” Harry suggests.

“So you don’t have to come back with dry clean?” I tease. “I’m not letting you get out of your promise, let me give it to you before you change your mind.” I tug my top off and ball it up, shoving it in his hands. It falls to the floor when he doesn’t hold it.

“Hello?” I look up and he’s a deer in the headlights. “Harry...”

“I can’t do this right now,” he takes a step back. I get the sweater from the ground and hold it out to him again.

“Do you want to wipe the kitchen floor with the sweater too? Take it!” I sigh. “Harry are you really acting so chaste about seeing a girl in her bra?”

“It’s-” he decides to stop mid-word. “You’re not just any girl Y/N, I’ve already made it clear.”

Now it’s my turn to stare--he hadn’t made it clear. “You said you only felt something when you were younger...”

“And you believed me?”

I realize I didn’t, but I wanted to believe him so I hadn’t questioned it. “Well it’s not the first time you’ve seen me in a bra. Can you take the damn sweater?” 

“Yeah I can I’m just...” he seems to calm down a bit, enough to step towards me and take it. “I didn’t have to face this conflicted feeling in me if I didn’t see you often. I can just be the best friend. But now, with the whole psychic thing and you in--like this in your kitchen and I--I’m remembering how much I just want to...”

“Kiss me,” I say.

“Yeah...” he looks away.

“No, I’m telling you to kiss me.” I clarify. His expression would’ve made me laugh if my heart wasn’t beating so fast. I couldn’t believe I was being this impulsive.

“Really? You’re not just saying that cuz of this morning?”

“Fine,” I step out of his reach and cross my arms to hide my shaking hands. “If you don’t want to kiss me-”

He pulls me back too quickly and I bump into his chest. “I never said that.” He says in a tone I’d never heard from him before, it’s serious and sexy and it sends tingles through my body. I press myself up against him and he finally, finally, kisses me. Every bit of tension and anxiety the day had built up releases in the single moment his lips cover mine.

How had I waited this long?

The kiss is gentle, delicate like he’s still not entirely sure I want the same thing he does. I show him I do by using my tongue to open his mouth slowly and the hesitation disappears immediately. We’re a fighter jet taking off from there; I don’t know where I end and where he begins as he walks me to the kitchen island and lifts me onto it, our limbs tangling together, His hands roam down the side of my body, but he stays in the safe zones until I unclasp my bra.

“Oh hell no,” my roommate’s voice interrupts us from behind. I hold my bra close and turn. She stands at the entryway, shaking her head. “Not here. Not on our kitchen island. You two have a room literally 10 feet away...”

“Oops,” I say quietly which seems to set Harry off. My roommate is still shaking her head but I see the smile on her face. I’d caught her hooking up on multiple occasions so it wasn’t anything new. But I didn’t do this often. I jump down, apologizing to her. “Harry’s going to clean the coffee off the floor...I-I’ll find a shirt.”

“Mhm,” she closes her bedroom door and I look over at Harry who’s crouching on the floor in tears.

“This is all your fault!” I whisper but he tugs me down to where he is and holds my face as he kisses me.

“I know you two aren’t behind the island,” my roommate’s voice comes out again. I stay there as her footsteps move to the bathroom and the door closes behind her.

“I hate you,” I skirt out of his reach, and rush to my room yelling another sorry as I head back and find a top. Harry appears in my room as I put it on.

“I guess that was a good time for her to walk in on before it got too far?” he still has a stupid grin on his face.

“I don’t even want to think about it,” my cheeks were burning and even more so that Harry was elated.

“I’ve actually got to head out now.”

I pout but he kisses my pout instead. He promises he’ll be back in the evening and I let him go with one more kiss, my mind catching up with everything that just happened.

Oh my god.

***

It’s nearly 8 by the time I’m done running all my errands--taking holidays off for work was usually a good decision for me. I had a big family and picking up all the holiday bits before I flew back home was always a big job. I take an Uber home, I couldn’t handle a 40 minutes trip back home carrying everything home on the subway.

I call out to my roommate when I get in but she doesn’t respond. I check her door and it’s open and dark, the bathroom is also empty. She must have evening plans.

I open my door to a surprise. Harry is sprawled on my bed. He jerks awake when I settle my bags down.

“Y/N?” he squints as I turn the light on.

“How did you get in here?” I shrug my coat off.

“Y’roommate let me in before she left,” he rubs his eyes. “Didn’t mean to fall asleep...I had a whole thing planned.”

I’d gone over the whole morning during my errands, surprised and excited and nervous about this new step for us. But I continued to think about what the psychic said, our love lines extended alongside my life line. Even though there wasn’t much comfort or trust in a psychic who used a photo opp as a marketing opp, what she said had come true. And I put my faith in that, calming my nerves about this new step potentially ruining our friendship forever.

“Was that okay?” Harry sits up. “She didn’t think you’d mind.”

“Oh no that’s fine,” I unwrap my scarf and stand at the foot of my bed. “I really wasn’t sure if you were coming back.”

“Of course I would,” he reaches for my hand. “I wouldn’t leave you after this morning, I’m not that flighty.”

“Well we never really got to talk about it,” I say as I sit down. I’d texted him during the day but it never showed he read it, I wasn’t sure how to read into that; finding him passed out on my room meant he was probably on the go all day.

“Are you okay with this?” he says with such concern, I nearly tear up. This was making me way too emotional.

“I am,” I smile at my best friend in the whole world. “I just don’t want to go too fast.”

“We won’t,” he promises as he holds his arms out. I lean in towards his solid chest and he wraps his arms around me. I feel his breath on my cheek, then his lips in my hair. “I’m yours for eternity Y/N, we can take it as slow or fast as you want.”

It was a good thing to say, and I believe him entirely.

We eventually untangle ourselves to get food in us, and even though things are different, they’re also not. We still pick out the same parts of our food to give the other person, we still talk the same shit and laugh at the same jokes. But his hands grasps mine and his thumb brushes over my knuckles absentmindedly. His eyes stay steady on me as I talk like I’m someone new he’s exploring. We kiss after dinner, but we also load the dishwasher and laugh about the one time I’d managed to burn soup from a can. Eventually we end in my bedroom, where we lay together, our conversation growing quieter by the minute, the space between us growing smaller.

And even though we’d slept like this a hundred times before, it’s different now. I can feel it in every atom of my being, I was his and he was mine. And I don’t know how long it’s been like this for it to feel so easy, but accepting it was a no brainer, like accepting the sky was blue or the sun was hot. I remember the advice the psychic gave, I was following it: living the life I had around me even though it wasn’t the life I thought I would have.

There were a million things Harry and I had to figure out to make this work--I knew it wasn’t going to be easy. But I did know that it was right, it was true, and it was going to be forever.

The future may not be crystal clear, but my future with this man was.