#anyway this is how some of us cope etc etc now i can FINALLY STOP THINKING ABOUT THIS AND MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE MAYBE | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

copperbadge · 1 year

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Hi Sam, how did you come to the conclusion you should be tested for neurodivergence? I've been reading a lot of Temple Grandin (Visual Thinking is fantastic) and see so much of myself in her books. But, I, too, am, let's just say well into adulthood, and I don't know if my life would change that much with a diagnosis. The only thing I can think of doing with a diagnosis is telling my siblings and childhood bullies that they picked on someone who had a reason for being "weird." But it doesn't change anything. Beyond the medication, did you find any solace? Thank you for sharing your journey.

I was just thinking I should do a post about this....

I don't recall the specifics and have never been able to find the post again, but sometime prior to 2019 I made a joke about having a short attention span, and someone said something like "Oh, did you finally get a diagnosis?" and I said haha no, I don't have ADHD, and a bunch of readers went, "Uh, you very clearly do." Some of them added that they thought I knew and was just being discreet about it. (As if I have ever been discreet about anything in my life.)

So I figured, okay, probably there's some level of neurodivergence there, given that my mother and siblings all have various diagnoses, and my father was clearly autistic. (Knowing what we know now about how ADHD can mask as other mental illnesses, there's a strong chance this comes from my maternal grandmother, who was the person in the family I was most like when she was alive.) I tried a couple of times to get evaluated and always had either slow or nonexistent responses from the clinics I reached out to, so I stopped trying. I had a ton of coping mechanisms in place and was in a good spot in my life, so I thought honestly, what would it change?

But by the end of 2021, while I was still in a pretty good financial place, and my career was doing well, I could tell that if things kept up as they were I was going to tank my job purely through being unable to get through a day doing productive work the way I used to.

I thought, well, if this is ADHD and it's getting worse because the whole fucking world is on fire, I have two options: I can assume I have it and just do the reading and figure shit out on my own, or I can get evaluated, get professional advice, and possibly get medicated. That seemed like the best return on investment, so that's what I worked on. My goal was primarily medication, because I didn't see myself being able to change much else about my situation on my own. And, truthfully, medication has been the biggest change -- I actually have an essay about that queued for the anniversary of my starting Adderall. But while it hasn't been a massive life-altering world-shattering change, all of this was worth it purely for the medication.

Uh, momentary sidebar in my memoir: there are downsides to having a diagnosed disability -- discrimination, legal barriers to certain things like holding government jobs or adopting, etc. Those have to be weighed when you're considering evaluation. If you think you may have autism, there's not necessarily an advantage to having a formal diagnosis unless you need accommodations; if you think you may have ADHD, the huge advantage is access to medication, which doesn't exist for autism as far as I'm aware. So your particular flavor of neurodivergence might dictate whether you get a diagnosis, or whether you just start operating on the assumption you have it. Both are valid, I think, it really depends on what's going on in your life and what you want to change.

Anyway, I have been doing other research, reading journal articles and pop psychology and talking to people, and that's been good, but even if I had none of that, the medication has been so helpful in getting me back on an even keel and then making life even better.

This sounds kind of weird to say but I'm not generally someone who needs a lot of solace. There is some relief in knowing that at least some of my fuckups in life weren't something I could have prevented by simply having more strength of character or working harder, and that's nice, but it's something I could have had without a formal diagnosis -- just like you could simply tell your siblings and bullies you have a diagnosis. (Being real, I doubt they'd care; bullies gonna bully whether you had a reason to be weird or not, and none of that would have been your fault regardless of your neurology. But it's all very situational, as I'm sure you know.) I wasn't badly bullied as a kid and there's nobody really to...tell, in the sense you're thinking of. But I didn't get into it for emotional solace; I got into it to fix a life that was, albeit extremely slowly, starting to fall apart. So if you're someone, as most people are, who derives emotional satisfaction or catharsis from having the diagnosis, I think it probably would be pretty helpful. But even if you aren't, like me, if you can get medication or accomodations, I think it's worth it.

#sam has adhd

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malzykins · 10 days

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GIVES US THE VOID HAND FREAKS LORE!!! (You dont have to if you dont want to)

OH BOY. well with a nice little request like that how can i say no 😇

HUGE preface that this is very AU-heavy because. like I got no beef with the actual canon but I just want to play around with my favourite characters like little dollies if that is okay. :]

To even get to the freaks though we do have to start at the beginning of this for it all to make even a lick of sense and to me anyway it feels like a lot.. warning not one centimeter of this is without some form of mental degradation and shameless self-indulgence (<- failing to cope with the lasting effects of cringe culture)

absolutely MASSIVE text post belo im dead serious:

Nothing much really differs from the origin of the Operator/Drifter themselves, all the Zariman shit still happens etc. Operator was kind of a bastard child (shes 12 most of them are, but i digress LOL), very much the kinda person to stick their nose in everyone’s business and try to “fix” all their problems if she thought something could be gained from it (sound familiar?), be it a compensation from the people themselves or from her seniors getting basically surface-level information about it all and being like aww what a good kid!! and gassing her up with all this praise. Most other kids definitely knew what she was doing, or at least didnt like her or the vibe she put off, but it didnt really stop her cause that’s not whose opinion she necessarily cared about the most.

When the Zariman incident happened, her ENTIRE support group became her enemy and she was left with nothing. She got her just desserts alright and it broke her, like really broke her, like watching a spoiled brat finally get what’s coming to em and she genuinely did like a total heel-turn in terms of personality temperament etc. She became a lottt more prone to acting childish and favoured emotional outbursts over rational thinking, since she didnt have her people that she looked up to anymore, she didnt have her Glue so to speak. She went from main character syndrome to acting how a 12 year old would probably realistically act in a fr life-or-death scenario overnight

Being a child in a traumatizing situation she latched onto really anything she could get. any distraction. desperately wanting something or someone to trust. so when that damnable doppelganger shows its face, behaving exactly how she used to behave towards other kids (not that she had the self-awareness to deduce that at the time), she instantly ate from the hand that feeds. And there was that :)

Nothing strays from canon between this point and the First Dream. Shes still very much a petulant crybaby and kind of sucks at being a Tenno but thats neither here nor there,, in the Dream, though, is when things start to REALLY deviate.

During the years of war and strife and child-soldier-ism with everyone else, she had a lot of time to think. Shes well aware that all this void power shit wasnt possible before their time on the Zariman, and as far as she was aware she was pretty certain that didnt change the moment they boarded. Over time she fights the memory suppression of her traumas to dig up answers and narrows it right down to that moment she shook hands with herself, something clearly odd and nonsensical, now viewing it with a bit more clarity of mind and basically coming to the epiphany of Oh You Motherfucker. theres no way it was not you. theres no way ALL OF THIS (the existence of the tenno and by extension their eventual drafting into the war, and all of the bullshit that follows that) was not because of you. And when they get told that theyre all going to be put into a cryosleep, because theyre more trouble than theyre worth, really, to just to give everyone around them more peace of mind well. shes quite upset about it. She and other kids definitely try to fight their way out of it (they dont make it far) and rest assured theres no shortness of bawling and sobbing, but deep in there there is anger. She starts to get real pissed off about this whole ordeal and honestly just fucking everything that has lead to it, that piece of her old self that had the capacity for rage and ambition bubbling through the surface.

When she was placed into the First Dream, that quickly manifested well outside of her control. She herself was entirely lacking in conscience, but that essence of herself that existed just beyond her own grasp, that metaphorical spirit that whatever youd want to call it, began to fester in some crevice deep in the Void, not having truly left the place after the events of the Zariman unfolded. It festered and festered and grew until every horrible negative emotion that she Could Not experience in her current state snapped free and went on a violent witch hunt for exactly who the hell made her this way and WHEN she found It, that manifestation didnt relent in the slightest as it quite literally beat the absolute ever-loving dogshit out of the Indifference and (taking some of the various Murmur codex entries very literally) lashed its very flesh apart like a goddamn. kindergarten art project.

Once all of her anger was spent and she realized that didnt actually fix any of her problems, and the bastard was busy reeling for a while because, what in the fuck was all that about, she was left just a lonely, sad empty husk. And because of the Void’s receptivity with negative emotion, it did something with that, taking those lacerated fragments and turning them into something greater, turning them into companions to fill that lonely gap, into the Murmur. they are very No Thoughts creatures and dont understand what existence really is, and like most freshly borned creatures they imprint on the first thing they see (the Indifference) though they know at least the smell of who ultimately made them and are constantly chasing that trail to find the source (hence their appearance in reality in the albrecht labs because we dont really Know in canon what theyre looking for in there exactly (afaik) so I’m justttt rewriting that. for me 😇)

Once they inevitably have their cool reunion or whatever (which takes place a lot sooner than the normal story progression, I just am not sure on where to put a pin) Operator latches onto them just as much as they latch onto her, their Maker, and she ends up neglecting a lot of her responsibilities to just run and play with the little freaks all day ^-^ which really pisses off the Drifter. and makes HER take up the Operator’s mantle, a good chunk of the normal questline being done by her instead.

NOW. for what you ACTUALLY asked for. Im so sorry 😭

THESE three bastards: Prodah, Nahkip, Vedah, in that order. In this little AU thing, Murmur fragments have this little bit of individuality to them in the form of those lighter blue stripes or “veins”, which are more like indentations in their skin that faintly glow with their Void energy. The more a fragment has or the more unique they are, the more respected the individual is in a sort of innate social hierarchy system. If a fragment is born with no veins whatsoever, if they are unmarred and “perfect” so to speak, they are essentially bullied and outcasted to some unloved corner of the Great Indifference to wallow alone, and for a faction all about unity and working together that isnt very nice. :)

Vedah and Nahkip are the two I probably have the least juice for. Not that I dont like them (far from it) I just have yet to reeeeally get to them ;; I at LEAST have personalities and such down

Vedah is like a curious naive little dog. It’s very erratic and jumpy and is more often a follower than a leader. It loves games but gets bored easily, and loves trying to make friends. It definitely makes the most racket out of the three, big chatterbox this one (I love the sounds the fragments make... they are such screechy little creatures it's soooo cute)

Nahkip is probably the most “normal” out of them. It doesn’t vocalize often and carries itself in a bit of a high regard (not necessarily in a conceited way, moreso it is aware that it is of a somewhat higher caliber than most and incidentally behaves as such). It’ll politely listen to others and offer input when it’s spoken to, but once all is said and done, it returns to pretending you don’t exist, going about its own business.

Prodah, the last fellow, is (was?) one of those unfortunate veinless souls. It often found itself a victim of many fights, and it quickly learned that trying to defend itself only made matters substantially worse. In one particularly nasty scenario, its ring and pinky finger were completely snapped off by an attacker and ground to dust. It tried to fight its way out of exile often, but eventually succumbed to the hand it’d been dealt, fleeing to some unaccompanied outcropping overlooking the Void.

Vedah found it, eventually, having sniffed it out and tracked it from where it hid buried in the sand for god knows. Prodah of course, very angry and scared and traumatized all at once, didnt take too kindly to the ordeal, but Vedah’s “people skills” and a rare instance of patience helped bring the guy just enough out of its shell to at least stop regressing into fight-or-flight everytime it (Vedah) moved :] Still VERY skittery and non-trusting. just a bit more… tolerable.

Vedah and Nahkip are friends. or. at least Vedah sees it that way. Nahkip tolerates it but could really give or take. Vedah always wants to show around its new friends to its current friends, and Prodah is not an exception even if it really should be (hence the naivety; you can’t “look guys it’s cool dont be mean okay :D” your way out of everything girl)

LUCKILY Nahkip seems to not gaf. At least not in a bad way. No it actually definitely gaf because it’s been ages since it’s last seen a veinless fragment still kicking around (esp since there is essentially no reproduction of these creatures, whatever exists is all that will ever be (unless MITW feels like getting flayed again. for some reason) so once you’re killed or whatever it’s gg) and is very surprised that one is still alive, figured over time it should have just gone feral and torn itself apart from insanity or decomposed on its own, but it didn’t. and Nahkip is a bit of a studious fellow. so it is very interested in this creature.

There isn’t too much coherent lore after this.. lots of bits and bobs and meat and potatoes but not the most fleshed-out explanation for it all? At some point the three become close enough with one another (maybe more spiritually than anything, cause it likely isn’t so apparent from an outside perspective) that they form a Severed Warden like some sort of Digimon evolution or whatever 😇 There is some large gap of time where the Operator does not see them, the entire Prodah arc happening under her nose so when she next greets them they are together as the Warden and shes so proud of em ;; she doesnt really understand how it happened/works but she knows Vedah and Nahkip are in there and they do their best to introduce Prodah to her. After some coaxing it uncurls itself to meet her and she's absolutely appalled to see a friend in such a sorry state (being a Warden didn’t heal old scars), and figured that wasn’t any way for someone to live. so she removes her gloves and gently holds its hand in her own Void-corrupted ones (that I’m sure most Operators have anyway; shes extremely self-conscious about people seeing them but the Murmur are similar to her, in a way, so with them she relents) to offer that connection and comfort with it. In the same motion, some transfer of power takes place and after a brief moment, Prodah finds itself whole again with two new fingers to replace its lost ones, brimming with the light of Void energy. IN TURN, though, not such is without consequence, the Operator now missing those exact same digits that Prodah initially lacked. She quite literally gave it her own (which is why its lighter-colored fingers in the image do not have the standard issue Murmur claws. also this throws the Indifference for a loop because ??? bastard child I gave you that for YOU. not for you to just give handouts to thralls 😐). This is a complete heel turn for Prodah because while it was initially a perfect, veinless creature and demonized to all hell and back.. to receive marks from the Maker itself??? WILDLY different story. Okay we respect you now. like a lot. like A LOT a lot.

I absolutely had plans to include The Fragmented One in my little repertoire of creatures as well :3c For this I’m going to pull directly from my brief lore document instead of just reiterating what is perfectly fine to copy-paste instead, if no one minds:

“To make an example for the Operator, the Drifter assists Loid in secret in purging the Laboratories of Murmur presence, but ends up slaying the Warden of Vedah, Nahkip, and Prodah in the process. The Operator’s heartrending grief at their passing draws uneasiness from the Indifference itself, and her dormant, volatile energy involuntarily wrenches forth their fragments from the afterlife, as if they had never perished at all (this is unknown to her; her döppelganger is the one to impart this information, yet not knowledge of their whereabouts). She dedicates restless hours to searching for them, neglecting her own health, too nerve-wracked to properly eat or sleep. It is after a week’s passing that the Operator discovers an odd formation within The Great Indifference and, upon touching its surface, the structure breathes in new life, lost fragments rising from beneath the sand to create the One. Upon spotting Vedah, Nahkip, and Prodah atop the bow of the amalgamation, she becomes overjoyed at their revivification, triggering a transference of power between them; the Operator’s Void energy unknowingly begins to bleed over into the One, a deadly power donation creating an impossibly cataclysmic entity with capabilities yet to be measured. In anointment, the Operator honorably dubs the creature Fronrein—’tandem roar’—and it is forever at her beck and call.”

this Fragmented One is no stronger than the one you face normally. I just wanted to squeeze in something for my lore that could possibly explain why that fucker is SO god damn brutal in Steel Path.

Lastly (thank Christ right), something I haven’t yet fully fleshed out is that I want to pull the consciousness of the main fragments into the Operator’s warframes. Likely happened at some point during Fronrein’s birth. it’d be neat for these friends to exist in two places at once :) seems totally feasible to me given how freaky the Void gets. Vedah inhabits her Wisp, Nahkip her Protea, and Prodah her Harrow. None of this is planned, it just sort of Happens. the fourth arm of the One also gets dragged into this (dont have much for it. similar mannerisms to Nahkip I know at least), being placed into the Drifter’s Chroma, and she is NOT happy about it. very peeved actually. She hates these fucking things and to now have them basically be sentient frames walking and (telepathically) talking around the ship MUST be some sort of cruel divine punishment. She mellows out though, after some grueling amount of time, becoming a bit more platonic with her Chroma after slowly letting her own defenses down and just bonding and talking with the guy (now that these Murmurs can actually do that), but still is a bit standoffish with the Operator’s frames.

Operator thinks it’s cool as all hell. She’s brainstorming what all frames she could possibly get next and then try to shove Murmurs into those ones too. MUCH to the Drifter’s chagrin. god help them.

ANYWAY. I dont want to beta read this again I just hope it makes sense. Above all I hope it satisfies your ask ;; this is nearing 3,000 on the word count and actually took multiple days to write LOL /// thank you for giving me the opportunity to spill about these guys :’]

#im so sorry this took so long to get back to you #asks #warframe #<- sure why not. fuck it \o/#could go all day about these Things... i historically enjoy factions of Little Funny Guys and you bet your ass it's like half my OC count--#--where applicable #ive been thinking lots about the sentient frame arc recently but mannnn was this getting way too long LOL #just the basics should do 😊

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itsgivingfaggot · 7 months

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Thinking about the time I went to this group therapy thing for a diagnosis I had gotten a couple months prior. But It started half a year before i got my name (& gender marker) legally changed. So I had to give the organization my deadname when signing up. This wasnt too much of a big deal, they used my actual name in therapy, my pronouns, didnt out me in the group or anything, things were fine.

Now after nearly completing the whole year of group therapy I overhead one of the women running it talking about a seperate group that sounded perfect for me, that they didn't seem to advertise in their flyers etc so I never had heard about it. So I decided to approach her after one of the last sessions and ask her about it. She seemed excited about me joining it but told me she would need to do a pre interview first. We set an appointment for maybe 2 weeks later.

Now, in the most vague terms, this was a group For Very Traumatized people. I show up to the sort of "interview" a little nervous, expecting questions abt my biography, effects of trauma I'm dealing with, how I'm coping with them, blabla. She basically opens up with "so I asked the other group members about a Man joining them, and when one of them expressed that she wouldn't be comfortable with it, I explained your situation to her!" With a big smile on her face. My "situation". She outed me to this random group of people I had never even met before. This group was not once meant to be a womens space. She simply should've given everyone the option to decide if they were comfortable with this. That's all. Not fucking outing me. For the woman who wasnt comfortable with me as a cis man? Sucks for her. But that doesnt mean this worker gets to potentially endanger me for that womans comfort. But of course she did.

So that's over. Can we finally get to the interview? Of course. However she opens up with "oh you know, I've just been super interested in how things were for you growing up. If you could tell me about that." I go "with the. Abuse?" She doesnt react. "....The autism?" "Oh, no no! The trans thing!"... I sit there a little confused. I give a short one or two sentence answer thinking we will move on to the actual topic of this group. But no. She keeps digging. What about your family? Did you have ~the surgery~ yet? How was school? What about your partners? What about your extended family? What about-

And i was unable to tell her to stop. I answered everything as vaguely as possible. But as a trans person you're always seen as fucking representative of every other trans person. You're not an individual you're either a walking advertisement for corruption or a fascinating oddity of a mystical group to disect and test and observe. If I had told her it's none of her business what's in my pants, it's not actually important to this group how my uncles reacted to me coming out? No I dont want to tell you in great detail the effects of testosterone on my body? Etc. Maybe she'd make a mental note of "trannies = rude and combative. Secretive. Dont want their ~allies~ to be educated about their experiences (why?!)" and I dont wanna be responsible for that in a setting where that person holds so much influence over someone's access to mental health care. So I mumbled my way through it.

In the end the "interview" for a fucking trauma group was 30 minutes of me being increasingly uncomfortable by being prodded over being trans, and roughly 5 minutes of her telling me about some rules in the group and asking a single question about how to best handle me when past trauma gets triggered. I ended up not joining anyways for mostly (!) unrelated reasons. But like. What the fuck was that. I dont understand how some cis people who are interested in trans experiences wont just like. Watch a fucking documentary. Read a book. Theres people who make it their lives mission to share their experiences. That Does Not Mean every random trans person you meet will wanna do the same.

Also again dont fucking out people without their consent. I cant believe we still have to say this oh my god

#queer community #trans community #transmasc #ftm #genderqueer #transgender #transsexual #transitioning #like if she really was that interested in trans experiences she would've fucking googled it #instead of waiting to pounce on first tranny she met #it just reads as like. i dont think you deserve privacy more than i deserve my fascination engaged. and i dont care for it #even if you gender me ~correctly~ during the ordeal

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brandogenius · 7 months

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I DONT THINK YOU UNDERSTAND THIS AU IS ALL I THINK ABT

munagenius being protective of littlest munagenius makes my soul cry istg just like pushing reader behind one of them in a crowd or if paparazzi is getting to close like they don’t play or ready to back them up at all times even if reader isn’t around, don’t even let some guy fo approach them

also the katie x ya big sibling/little sibling moment means everything to me as the oldest who didn’t have have that😭

ANYWAYs was crying over the math thing like ya didn’t even ask for help but they’ve got all of muna/boygenius/munagenius surrounding them like “i’ve got it guys🙄” their like “THE ANSWER IS 18!!” and ya is like “ik i knew before y’all tried to help i’ve been trying tell yall” “why did you let us go on that long ???” “i wanted to see how long it would take y’all to finally figure out second grade math”

ya meeting up with a younger celeb and their talking in genz terms and munagenius is LOST

just talking to them about you’re highschool experience and they are so into it like “what do mean you were drunk at house party your like 4 yrs old 🤨” “y’all didn’t go too parties????” or like old partners like they’ve got personal beef with some kids now bc what do mean they use to bully you

“i graduate this month” “from college?” “no highschool” “…dear god i’m old”

them reaching you things like naomi helping you learn the keys, katie teaching you how to do your makeup, lucy taking you to museums or helping you read poetry, julien helping you learn coping mechanisms/guitar/painting, phoebe helping you set up your in-ears (I LOVE THIS IDEA), jo helping you learn bass(i’m not a musical person idk really what they play

Also all their partners also being readers friends and getting attached so ya has a literal ARMY

munagenius finding readers yearbook= FEILD DAY

i have to stop or i’ll never quit😭

I AM SO NORMAL ABOUT THIS REALLY

LITTLEST MUNAGENIUS AHAJDJD THATS READERS NAME NOW “guys!! look it’s munagenius and little munagenius in the same room!!”

as an only child (sad ik) these sibling dynamics makes me so happy im like SOBS just insert myself into here and have munagenius teaching ME how to do makeup yes pls

ya can be a bit of a prankster. they like being in the company of munagenius (say they are an only child too so having jo and naomi helping them with their homework is unusual for them but they like it) just the feeling of having their little tour family all around the table working together and including ya makes them wanna cry in a positive way like “damn- i have people who actually care enough to help with my hw and studies )

imagine busting out the yearbook but to show muna now the boys being like “WE SEEN IT FIRST HA”

they have beef with your maths and history teacher. don’t ask why they just do “RICKY WHEN I SEE YOU RICKEU WHEN I SEE YOU SWINGING ARMS”

i love the trope of phoebe helping with readers in ears so much like it’s their first time and phoebes like helping them and it’s just scary at first but she helps ya with the wires etc!’

OH ABSOLUTELY!! meeting their partners (muna & the boys) and they just come in contact with you for 5 minutes and then they are like “i would fight anyone for you kid”

ya is just adopting all the adults left and right at this point

NAH LISTEN THIS IS MY URGE TO CONTINUE I LIVE FOR THESE

#pom speaks #young artist au

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thessalian · 5 months

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Thess vs Spectres

So I finally got through that whole little chunk of main quest. And the only real reason I'm stopping now is a) hungry and b) frustrated and stuck.

Well, before I do anything, there's a rebel camp over there. Might as well clear it out.

DAMN I'm good. No one so much as saw me ONCE.

Okay okay okay, I know I know I know, Fate Of The World, etc etc. I'm going already.

I figure I can skip that cutscene; I have already seen it.

Well, at least I'm not doing all of the searching when I have companions. Just ... most of it.

Nora go down the hoooooooole...

Seriously, Zenith are assholes.

And code aaaaaaaand ... Beta. Cryogenically preserved Beta?

Wait. Wait did she have that thing in her skull? That thing is way too big to be an implant. What the fuck?

Good for you, Beta! Good for us, too!

ofuck.

Traps. Traps. What's this thing weak to? Acid. I'll try acid.

I AM TRYING TO SCAN IT, ALOY; IT JUST WON'T STAY STILL-- Theeeeeere we go.

And it didn't matter anyway because advanced acid traps are awesome, thanks.

Oshit Erend; hold on! ...Wait, why are you not scanning for weak spots and--? Oh, right, because you refuse to use a ranged weapons and your only combat strategy is "get out there and twat it one with warhammer".

Oh. Also because forcefield. Which is only in the front. Good thing you've got a sneaky bitch on side, Erend!

Okay, that's done. And now we can look at that weapon-- Fuck.

Right. Back to base. And everyone's freaking out about Beta. But at least they ask me how I'm holding up. ...Or assuming I'm fine. THANKS, EREND. I know you think I can do anything, but...

Oh, and Beta's not coping either. Okay. Vat-made humans, unite!

Yeah. Yeah, I knew they were still the original Far Zenith assholes. I just wasn't sure whether it was cloned bodies and data uploads a la Altered Carbon or ... well, this.

Look, you bought us time, Beta; we'll go after them as soon as we can. CHILL, already! But then again, you know how equipped they are and we don't, but still, never underestimate the ingenuity of someone who isn't an entitled asshole who never knew real hurt a day in their lives.

Right. Get this thing to GAIA to see if it can help us at all-- SYLENS YOU SHITBAG!

Fine. Okay. GAIA's working on it, Erend and Varl are going to help Beta cope ... oh. Hi Zo. Wait. You have a way to fix your land-gods? COUNT ME THE FUCK IN!

Hunting tiiiiiiiiiime! Whee!

Okay, that'll take some fixing. Lemme just go to Hidden Ember, as they're calling it now, and see what-- Oh. Hi Delah. Ah, Boomer gone missing. Okay, we'll go search.

I bet the Far Zenith assholes want to strip all life on earth because the people who designed Zero Dawn weren't eugenics-y assholes. I like that we still got people on the autism spectrum when humanity was reborn. I mean, I gather it's at least partly genetic. And it's a nice statement about how, no, vaccines don't cause that shit because none of these people know what a vaccine is.

Anyway. What is this thing you're now getting me to use? ...Oh. Okay, I will try this thing.

OKAY I HAVE TRIED THIS THING AND I DON'T LIKE IT CAN I HAVE MY BOW BACK PLEASE?!?

Right. I have used the shredder gauntlet whatever thing. I will never ever use it again. But thanks. That's sweet of you two.

Back to Hidden Ember, and ... okay, where the fuck is Stemmur?

Ah, there he is. And you want another 'gizmo'. I went with 'doohickey' myself, but you do you.

Down into the ruins I go-- Oh, come on, how did the machines come back?!? Well, at least it wasn't the Tideripper. Just Snapmaws, a Burrower ... and two Spinesnouts I didn't see shit shit shit.

And apparently I just accidentally tripped over the hardest vista in the game to find. Now, where's good?

There. There's good. That'll stop bugging me. Onward to the doohickey.

...Okay, I am clearly supposed to get to the grapple point and then jump onto that bit to the left but it is not letting me jump.

Lemme see if Google has any ideas-- And apparently not. Fuck.

Maybe I'll shut down for now and see if a restart actually lets me do what I need to do here. I need food anyway.

Also my mother will be turning up any time now with some treats she brought me back from Canada. Yay! And later I will try again, but how the fuck do I jump when the damn thing won't let me go in that direction because there is no climbing point there? Maybe I need to do a left-control press pointed in a different direction? Maybe? I dunno; this is a pain in the arse but apparently I can't give my stupid doohickeys to Stemmur if I don't get this one! Why can I not just tell him, "I have a sack full of the fucking things; I can get you that one later"?!?

#Thess plays video games #Thess liveblogs Horizon Forbidden West

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cherirb · 11 months

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HIII THISIS ME FORMALLY ASKING ABOUT BG3 AND YOUR TAVS AND WHATNOT... OR ANYTHING REALLY !! IVE BEEN MEANING TO ASK BUT IW AS SOSO SCARED. FOR SOME REASON. (AND IF YOU ALREADY MADE A POST SOSORRY MY NOTIFS ARE ALL FUCKED UP AND WHATNOT YOU KNOW HOW IT IS)

HI. I AM MAKING THIS POST NOW I KNOW I SAID I’D MAKE IT EARLIER AND I REALLY WANTSD TO BUT. I HAVE BEEN SO SO BUSY AND ALSO THERE JS THE BURNOUT. YOU KNOW HOW IT IS. Anyway thank you for asking it finally gave me the kick in the butt I needed to Make The Post!! Yippie! Under the cut bcs of length etc etc <3

Okay so first is my main girl Peony!! She’s my durge and I love her <3!!

Some info:

She/it. Kind of a girl but not really. Transfem <3

Asmodeus tiefling and a war cleric of Tiamat!

Using her to romance Astarion

She’s super pink because I love pink and it’s my favorite color. Yes it’s self indulgent no I don’t care. Heart <3

Similarly, her name is Peony because peonies are pink and I like them. Heart x2 <3

Aside from that, though, the main inspiration behind her design is that I love love love how pink and red are both Valentine’s Day colors / “girly” colors and the colors most heavily associated with blood and guts and viscera. Wanted to play around with the idea of a character who is kind of the physical representation of that. Of the way pink and red are associated both with violence and with love and femininity. The duality of the heart as both a symbol of romance and as the thing that keeps your blood pumping etc etc

As such, she is very much the embodiment of that concept! At first glance, she’s very soft and sweet and feminine and doting, but her behavior is pretty much the antithesis of her appearance! She Is An Asshole. And a violent one at that! She has very little regard for what is good or right or just or moral, but she isn’t just out for what’s best for her either, she likes violence for the sake of violence! Even if causing it isn’t in her best interest

This doesn’t mean that she doesn’t have any kind of an interest in sex and romance and stuff tho. She does! The kinds of relationships that appeal to her are just a bit Fucked Up

Gets weird about the sight of guts and organs and blood and viscera, for example. Kind of girl who would be posting on tumblr about the inherent eroticism of cannibalism if tumblr existed in dnd

Annoys the rest of the party when she stops to examine and poke through the blood and guts of every corpse she passes. She’s not even LOOTING, she’s just Admiring, and everyone else can’t stand it (“let’s just get a damn move on already!”)

Also, I wanted to make her a war cleric of Tiamat *specifically* to further play into this concept. Like, everyone assumes clerics are good-aligned healers for the most part, so I wanted her to not reflect that AT ALL. She worships the living embodiment of avarice and hate and prays for MORE death and gore, not to heal it

In terms of backstory, I don’t have it Super figured out, but I imagine that she grew up in the hells amongst the large scale suffering and violence there and began to resent life and goodness as a result. She also developed her Fixation with viscera as a fucked up coping mechanism. Can’t be traumatized by the blood and guts if you train yourself to like seeing them, after all

Beginning to worship Tiamat is definitely where she really started to REALLY go downhill, though. Devoting yourself to hatred and malice and war is bad for you, it turns out!

I imagine she started this worship as a second Fucked Up Coping Mechanism. If the world is going to be cruel no matter what you might as well embrace it and worship that cruelness, yeah? Make yourself a part of it. Can’t be the victim if you’re the perpetrator, and it’s every man for themselves after all

Is drawn to Astarion initially because he’s also mean and a bitch! Like he’s not an asshole in the exact same way as her but she likes his Vibe. Is DEFINITELY suspicious of him at first, though. She can pick up on the fact that he’s Hiding Something, even if she doesn’t know exactly what. She actually respects it though! Doesn’t mind someone with a couple secrets, and she’s got a few herself anyway

She IS nosy, though— like a massive gossip— so she definitely does dig deeper until she Figures It Out. Doesn’t ever bring it up because it’s good to have blackmail and she isn’t THAT fond of him yet but she Knows

When he tries to bite her she initially gets angry because she assumed he was trying to sneak up on her and kill her. Not because she was offended at the concept of someone plotting to murder her, though, but because she thinks that it’s cowardly to SNEAK UP on someone and then kill them. A real “fight me properly if you want me dead bitch!!” moment

Then she finds out that he just wanted her blood and very much just went “oh? Is that all?” about it. Like doesn’t even bat an eye in the slightest. What already being Weird about blood and viscera does to an mfer

After they start getting closer, I’d imagine that they both have an “oh I can make them so much worse” moment about the other. But it’s like multiplying two negatives and getting a positive and instead of making each other worse they actually end up making each other better! They both realize that maybe they Do care, maybe they Do want good things for the other (and therefore for themselves) and are both very pouty and bitchy about it at first

In terms of her relationships with the others, I’d imagine it varies! She likes Lae’zel almost as much as she likes Astarion, and they get along pretty well. She thinks Gale is so so boring and tries to avoid him at all costs. Wyll has good stories but he’s also a goody-two-shoes. At least he can give good advice for slaying demons, though. She thinks he’s meh, overall. She sees SO MUCH of herself in shadowheart (manipulated/groomed into serving an all powerful evil deity) and it makes her SO uncomfortable. She doesn’t want to admit that serving the literal personification of violence and hate is Bad For Her, even if she can see how bad serving Shar is for shadowheart. So she tends to avoid her to avoid that uncomfortable feeling you get when you recognize your suffering in another even when you don’t want to admit that you’re suffering at all. She also feels that Karlach is a goody-two-shoes (much like Wyll) but tieflings have to stick together. She’s biased towards her and likes her, overall. However, seeing someone who’s suffered to the degree you have still be kind when you’ve chosen to be cruel is a hard pill to swallow, and while there’s definitely some resentment there for that, by and large it just makes her want to be Better, even if she wont admit it

Aside from the Angst, I imagine that she does have hobbies and interests just like everyone else. She’s still a Person, after all

She likes flowers, and in a world where she can settle down and be happy I picture her being an avid gardener! In this same world, I think she could use her obsession with viscera in a productive way by becoming a butcher! In fact, she probably DOES become a butcher, after she settles down post game

Cares probably a bit too much about her appearance for someone who doesn’t really like people all that much

Physical touch is her love language! She’s bad with words and doesn’t know how to pick gifts, quality time feels awkward when you haven’t yet learned how to act around people without assuming that they mean to do you harm (and that YOU mean to do THEM harm) and acts of service just aren’t her thing. But she sure as hell does know how to drape herself over you like a cat or hug you so tight you can’t breathe! Big on PDA. Of course, all of this happens after lots of discussion and boundary setting and Time, when it comes to Astarion specifically

Speaking of PDA, Karlach’s warm hugs (post engine fix) are her favorite :)

Predictably, she’s a carnivore who loves to eat meat. For her, the rarer the better (much to the disgust of her campmates and especially Gale, who won’t cook raw food, no matter how much she asks)

Probably takes up wood carving at some point as a more Productive coping mechanism, just so she can do something with her hands and a knife that isn’t violent. Her favorite things to carve are bunnies <3 (they’re her favorite animal)

Speaking of bunnies, she’d probably get a pet rabbit postgame as she learns to trust herself with delicate, vulnerable things again. It’d be a white one, and she’d name it Sugar, I think :)

Okay I think I will shut up now. I have thought literally SO MUCH about her and I’ve already written a barely coherent essay full of random stuff but!! There is still more in my brain. I will maybe talk about Seraph later, but this is already an essay so I’m leaving it at that! Thanks again Kosmo for asking and I’m so sorry about the length of this half incoherent ramble!!!

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colderdrafts · 1 year

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I have some questions for my favorites of your ocs! morgan and Amren(Sorry it's a lot):

How do they put themselves to bed at night (reading, singing, thinking?)

What lie do they most frequently remember telling? Does it haunt them?

How do they cope with confusion (seek clarification, pretend they understand, etc)?

Are they easily embarrassed? What embarrasses them?

Why do they get up in the morning?

How does jealousy manifest itself in them (they become possessive, they become aloof, etc)?

FOR THE CREATOR:

What inspired you to create them?

Have they always had the same physical appearance, or have you had to edit how they look?

Hoo, aight, some responses below the cut 💙 thanks for the questions! ✧⁠◝⁠(⁠⁰⁠▿⁠⁰⁠)⁠◜⁠✧

How do they put themselves to bed at night (reading, singing, thinking?)

Morgan: Alone, Morgan finds the most secluded, quiet and literally-impossible-to access-for-anyone-not-capable-of-scaling-vertical-surfaces spot they can. Spends some time securing everything, tripwires everywhere, nested deep within a cocoon of their own web and in touch with said tripwires. Truthfully, Morgan doesn't sleep much because of their paranoia. They wake every few hours just to be sure they're still safe.

Amren: If at home, Amren does a nightly routine just washing up, gathering soft items before curling up in a corner of his room, nestled within his coils. He keeps it dark and warm. He tries to fall asleep quickly, before his mind starts running and keeps him up all night. If out on the mountain, he just curls up in a tree somewhere, coiling around a large branch to spend the night. He'll wake every now and then to make sure he doesn't get too cold.

What lie do they most frequently remember telling? Does it haunt them?

Morgan: Haunt them? The only thing that haunts Morgan is their mortality. They'll brutally maim and kill without batting an eye, and might even enjoy doing so. A little lying will not get under their skin. Their most frequent lie is probably 'You can trust me'.

Amren: As a youngling Amren has frequently lied to his family (his whereabouts, how he's feeling etc) to keep himself safe, and he doesn't regret it one bit. He stopped needing to as he grew older and stronger tho, and found people did not appreciate his sudden brutal honesty. He doesn't care. Now he's adamant in being truthful in anything except if it's 'none of your business'.

How do they cope with confusion (seek clarification, pretend they understand, etc)?

Morgan: Learning and being a quick study keeps someone like Morgan alive. They will seek to understand something confusing, unless they deem it 1. Not dangerous 2. Not beneficial to know (e.g. how do you use a spoon?) Then they'll save their headspace for more important things.

Amren: He'll mostly ask for clarification if he's confused. If someone's finally gotten to talk to him, might as well make sure there's no misunderstandings.

Are they easily embarrassed? What embarrasses them?

Morgan: Hah. Nah. Morgan does not give a damn about anyone's opinions, they're pretty much shameless. They are incredibly difficult to fluster because they enjoy making others squirm so much. They'll return anything you can deal tenfold. If you manage to e.g. catch them falling over or something and tease them about it, they'll just turn the attention back on you. Or, if it's someone who means nothing to them and they're in a bad mood, turn the attention back on their corpse 🤷

Amren: No. He knows what a social norm is, he just thinks they're a waste of time. If you mock him and try to make him feel bad for making a mistake or something, he'll just know you're a shit person not worth his attention. He'll straight up say so to your face lmao. A friend can tease him for fun tho, he'll just be grumpy about it. Trying to fluster him, however...

Why do they get up in the morning?

Morgan: They get agitated by staying still in one place too long. Has not slept well anyway, and is eager to leave an exposed condition. Motivated by staying alive, thanks.

Amren: He has very good discipline lmao, mostly he Does Not Want To. But he's made a life for himself now, and is stubbornly hellbent on keeping it running. If he has a day off, he will hiss at the morning if it dares disturb him.

How does jealousy manifest itself in them (they become possessive, they become aloof, etc)?

Morgan: Well they won't really have to get jealous much, since ya know. No one wants to come close to their object of affection what with the whole 'risking being brutalized' thing. But if jealous, Morgan will actively try to sabotage competition, by any means necessary. Yes, they get very possessive.

Amren: Amren will tend to withdraw when he realizes he's experiencing jealousy. He'll struggle with what insinuation this is, that he actually enjoys another person and wants them around. He thinks it's silly feeling threatened by the thought of not having someone in his life the way he wants them, and is frustrated he can't shut it off. Goddamn, of course they can talk to their other partners in crime. Especially considering he's not really a good one.

FOR THE CREATOR:

What inspired you to create them?

Morgan: I- uh. Hm. I don't know. I was just fooling around writing Dren, and Morgan just kinda. Showed up. Said 'Hey. Wanna see something funny?', murdered the character I had originally thought to include (the drider Dren had eggs with), and took no hostages. And here we are ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯

Amren: I didn't think about it at the time, but I made Amren around covid lockdown, and I think you can tell. He's sorta a manifestation of the aggressive gaping hole in your chest after a long period of solitude - he's just pushed to the point where the body simply does not recognize affection as a positive thing anymore, and he lashes out because of it. I think giving him a boa form fitted - something dangerously strong to grapple and hold on, tight enough to strangle you if you let him. He's kinda tragic, really.

Have they always had the same physical appearance, or have you had to edit how they look?

Morgan: Morgan's always been pretty clear in my mind, I wanted to give them unpleasant features and a sort of uncanny elegance that most spiders (to me!) have. I spent some time going back and forth on what species of spider they could come from. If I remember correctly, I settled on Morgan's spider half inspired partially from a brown recluse spider, and part yellow garden spider. But I also wanted them to have some sort of key identification trait, which is where the red eyes came in.

Amren: I wanted a big, grumpy and intimidating snake who wasn't scared to throw his weight around, so I gave him the appearance thereafter. Felt like a boa constrictor would work well for this too. To fit with his story, however, I also needed some basic 'fine society' details for him, hence why he dresses sorta plain but nice, and keeps his hair and stuff tidy and clean. Not that he cares, it's just easier to navigate the world if you don't stand out too much. You'd probably notice him if you saw him on the street, but this way he goes from being actively avoided as a threat, to being just sorta overlooked.

#colderwriting #About amren #About Morgan #Uv #Tga #Thanks for the questions!#It's always nice to think a lil about why I do the things I do and explore my characters

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blazehedgehog · 2 years

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What’s your thoughts on Sonic Frontiers, so far?

It is the best worst Sonic game ever made. For reference, I haven't played it any further than what has been seen on my streams, which compose of these two vods:

Kronos Island (4hrs, 14min)

Ares Island (4hrs, 59min)

I have been playing a little off stream, but it's mostly to clean up and 100% the islands we've already seen. I never advance the story off stream. So, as of this writing, I am still at the very start of Chaos Island.

It's a lot of the same old problems we've been dealing with for what feels like an entire generation of Sonic games, but it hits just enough of the right notes where, instead of feeling like total garbage, it's charming.

A lot of people have been invoking comparisons to games like Sonic Adventure and I think that's apt. It's one of those games where when it's bad, it's the worst game ever made. But when it's good, it shakes the pillars of creation.

Somebody at Sega overheard "what if Platinum Games made a Sonic?" and so every big boss bites off a piece of Metal Gear Rising. It's amazing.

Everything between that... ehhh. Like I said, it's a lot of the same problems. They micromanage Sonic's controls on a per-level basis, they don't really seem to understand what makes going fast feel fun, stage ranks vary wildly from being insultingly easy to infuriatingly impossible without any rhyme or reason, and there are basic elements of control that just don't make any sense. Like how if you let go of the analog stick, Sonic stops on a dime, no matter how fast you were going. How does a decision like that make it through FOUR YEARS of focus testing and QA but nobody ever says "hey this feels like garbage"? Which is to say nothing of the drop dash, which requires so many button presses and is so pointless it may as well not even exist.

The story is taking me a while to warm up to. I appreciate the strong, clear characterization. Sonic finally emotes again! He's not just some generic cardboard hero. He has a personality now! Everybody does! He razzes Knuckles and Knuckles razzes him back and they shoot each other a 😏 look. That's great.

But your introduction to the story is awful. Everything about Amy on Kronos island feels like it comes out of nowhere. There's no context to what she's doing or why, and Sonic never really asks, it's just "Hey Sonic, I'm standing out in the middle of this featureless empty field, can you help me find this Koco's true love?"

Who? What? Why? Sonic asks none of these questions. He just goes "okay, sure."

And a lot of the storytelling feels like that. A lot of characters standing out in the middle of absolutely nowhere, nearly impossible to see, and most of it optional. Very easy to miss. Once you get to the second island, and I understood I had to hunt out these talk locations using the map, it started to gel with me a little better. It's just everything about Amy's feels very... non-sequitur.

But what Knuckles had was a lot better and a lot more coherent. Lots of good lore food. Some of that was I think me just figuring out the game's overall tone and pacing, too.

I'm also not super in love with the open world maps themselves. They feel very much like somebody dropped Sonic in to somebody else's photoscanned assets. I was telling a friend this last night, but there are entire areas in Ares Island that are devoid of any rings, enemies, or puzzles, but they let you run around there anyway, even though there are places that don't feel like they were made for Sonic.

And as somebody who as played a lot of "we loaded Sonic in to a map from another game" fan games... it has that vibe. Loose, and jittery, and the camera can't quite cope, and Sonic's physics don't interact with the terrain right, etc. That's the open world in Frontiers, to me. It really IS "Sega Hire This Man."

On top of just being bland as hell, too. They are extremely poorly laid out, there's not enough good landmarks, there's not enough to make them feel truly lived-in... it's just a random collection of assets surrounding a generic theme like "plains" or "desert" or "volcano" without any consideration of making anything feel like a place. It's boring and easy to get lost in the bigger zones.

But, again, when the vocals kick in and you're barrel rolling with a cyber dragon at 600mph through the sky? Who cares about anything else.

#questions #Anonymous #sonic frontiers #sega #sonic team #sonic the hedgehog

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orenjibot · 7 months

Text

This is just me airing out a bit of my grievances right now so I’ll put it under a read more. It WILL be long but i will try to keep it short or make a tl;dr at the end of it. Idk honestly.

I WILL NOT delete this AT ALL because i swear I’m not bound by any legal NDA or anything and i’m not even trying to start shit with people. I’m just PISSED OFF and need to share it once and for all.

Edit: I added a tl;dr if you guys don’t want to read my thoughts.

So okay. I had a rant about trying hard to be in a community of any kind in a post I reblogged. I will spare the details of not having the right tools to COPE with my adhd since it made me socially awkward and basically come off as a weirdo and stuff. I have improved lots since but like you know lmaooo

You see. Here’s this thing about my thoughts of my time as a mod on the compass en (fan) discord. I was a mod for this community for years, only because we were severely UNDERSTAFFED for years to the point where I was essentially the ONLY person doing any mod work what so ever. This isn’t to blame other people or mods though. It’s a fan group anyways, people have obligations, people change interests, people hate what the group has become and ETC. I was never mad in these situations.

The issues I’ve had with being a mod was essentially just not knowing what to do and what was okay. Like there was one person who would constantly just act horny 25/7 and it seemed like??? Everyone was okay with that??? Like??? There were minors??? In the server????????? And also those jokes made me uncomfy like it’s a public server not a friend group.

I didn’t want to do too much where it comes off as being on a powertrip or SILENCING people based on a simple dislike/disagreement. The laid back moderation wasn’t a bad thing and not that many people were horrible people (and most of them were good people who stop when told). Essentially, it made it so that a lot of members in the server when confronted with directly would basically NEVER take any mod seriously. On multiple occasions, it pissed me off on a personal level.

But what can I even do? I’m only one person and the server owner was busy most of the time and can’t afford to put any time into dealing with the server anymore. It was truly a time where I was just off on my own and idk what to do.

Anyways, I’ll be skipping ahead of the timeline and to the one time we had to demote a mod entirely for improper mod behavior.

So this guy… I’ll call this guy Allen to avoid dropping names— so Allen here was allegedly DATING a minor. Yeah. So as the “head mod” I did grapple with whether or not I should bring it up with the rest of the other mods and even the server owner. I kept hearing more and more shit from him which was FURTHER backed up by the fact that I was actually griping about it for a long time until the guy finally got his fucking shit together one time after I left cause the bozo basically did nothing anyways.

It made me absolutely livid how this guy saw being a mod as some sort of status for clout. Like this guy flat out was making fun of being a mod for the server and basically just went “I dont have to do anything cause everyone’s asleep when I’m awake and awake when im asleep! So easyyyy lmaoooo”

There is NO actual proof about this, but this was backed up by the fact that he did absolutely nothing and continued to shove everything for me to do. So like, the dude was basically a lazy ass mofo.

I didn’t even know anything about the guy dating a minor until someone told me about it and sent us proof of it. A lot of us were of the mindset that “it didn’t rly matter to us what they did as long as it was sfw so we don’t have to take immediate action” but… we saw both of them chat in the cps server and for sure they were sending nsfw shit to each other based on what they’re saying about hcs (like it had waaay too much sexual energy in there to say they didnt talk about nsfw privately amongst themselves).

I really got bit pissed off at all of this so I took it up to everyone immediately. Like first of all, the server also has minors so it was really a huge red flag for us to keep the guy around as a mod.

This happened when Allen was trying to host his very own tournament (last year around this time), but failed cause he decided to put it off to oblivion and even rushed me to do everything. I volunteered to help but only to stream it and nothing else. When i brought it up to him that I can take over and do everything so he didn’t have to, he declined. Like this guy did nothing at all and expected ME to do it all for him when i made it clear from the get go that I wasn’t going to do that. The dude was clearly irresponsible. Even more so than me and he also has adhd like me. Like dude is just a bitch.

It made the poor guy PARANOID. Like he immediately stopped talking in the server after he was demoted and basically stopped working on the tournament all together. I didn’t want anything to do with him after all of this and the fact that he was unapologetic about dating a minor as long as there’s love. Like no. Bro. Wtf. (I heard this second hand so take that with a grain of salt)

Now here’s the kicker. Out of personal spite, and to not leave my work unused, I decided to host my own tournament after some time has passed. It was a challenge that I enjoyed, but I’m not cut out for stuff like this so I wasn’t going to do it anymore than one time.

But guess what? Allen joined the tournament with his team. And this was the team that gave me SHIT when we (me and my two helpers) had to give them a DQ for basically doing everything wrong. I wasn’t even surprised that something was going to come up with this group. It only sucked because they sure wrapped up a now former friend of mine into their whole schtick and basically started to hate me for something they clearly didn’t do right.

Not only did they think we were powertripping, they deadass thought we did it out of spite for them. Like no. We didn’t even do that. Like it’s a casual tournament but we had rules to abide by and it would be unfair to let them play when everyone else followed directions, read the rules, and was doing as told. That team did NONE of that and said that we, the staff, did it out of favoritism.

Like c’mon that was the SILLIEST reason I have ever heard. Imagine it being favoritism because EVERYONE ELSE FOLLOWED DIRECTIONS.

Granted, I can agree that my attitude wasn’t the best because I was tired and also FED UP with the fact that they didn’t even listen to what I was saying as the organizer. They flat out ignored all I was saying and decided on their own that I was okay with everything. Like no I’m not trying to make a callout post on them so I won’t post any proof of this, but ask anyone who was the staff with me during the tournament and they can give proof.

I will also say that my instructions wasn’t clear half of the time so I can understand that they might’ve been confused aside from not reading it. I will say that I didn’t make it extra clear at all about the timeframe. I had a lot going on the latter half of November and most of December so I know that that was on me. But they deliberately threw everything onto my shoulders and expect me to organize their team for them which is stupid to begin with.

The biggest reason why this did happen was because my former friend didn’t respond to a question I had asked ahead of time about their schedule. I had asked for them to tell me if their schedule in JST, so japan time. She only gave me a weekend schedule and nothing else so I assumed she answered in jst. And this point when I asked again to confirm if this time was okay, her two teammates responded in her stead by saying “yeah it seems like she’s free at this time”, which also meant that we all read her reply the same exact way.

She came out to tell me when I was asleep, that she couldn’t make it and didn’t even TRY to talk it out with my other staff and I only woke about a couple hours before their scheduled time cause I sleep funky hours. Like they expect me to get everything sorted out in 2 hours??? Like??? That’s not enough time??? And we couldnt find anything that worked with the staff and their opposing team, so they HAVE to play at their scheduled time.

Then they said they’ll find a sub, which technically isn’t allowed without prior discussion. They clearly didn’t read the substitution INSTRUCTIONS either. I still had every right to decline them of a sub since they didn’t ask for permission for one and assumed that it was okay.

But like whatever man, I didn’t care by the time we discussed this far. They then basically just…. Didn’t even tell us anything afterwards for an hour and 20 minutes. Like an hour before their match started and 10-15 mins after where they had a short waiting period before we hand them a DQ. We had strict attendance rules and it was their responsibility to let us know they found a sub before their match started… And not AFTER we handed them a DQ.

They tried to argue with us that we have to let them play and that they couldn’t “understand” why they can’t. Like it wasn’t that hard to understand that we couldn’t do that because it was unfair to everyone else who was following the rules. I couldn’t reschedule it to a different time due to everyone’s busy schedules and it would require having to do everything over again. Like granted, it was my first time doing this and I was very stubborn on not asking for too much help because I didn’t want to rely too much on people. It just came at a bad time when everyone was busy too. So I admit to just being an inexperienced first time tournament organizer and knowing that a part of this is also my fault, but not entirely.

Like, again, this really wasn’t done out of personal malice or anything of the sort. But this team also went out of their way to cause problems for everyone involved and basically quit last minute when it was time for their other match (after they got DQ’d for their match in the semis), which pissed the other team off. They led everyone to believe that the staff did something wrong, when really it was their incompetence and miscommunication that led to everything happening. I offered my side of the reasoning for what we did to my former friend who was the only one who tried to at least talk to me, but instead kind of gave me an attitude like I owed her something.

I actually thought she was blaming herself for what happened and I said stuff that said I was sorry and she didn’t deserve that, only to find out that… they thought it was…….. favoritism?? And I was just… “????? Huh????” So like… I don’t know what I can even say when they believed something so comedically foolish. They’ve been watching way too many dramas man like if I wanted to be spiteful, I wouldn’t do something that heinous. I also make it clear when I dislike people so if anything, I would’ve just trashed their application from the get go to be petty. I don’t have the energy to plan it out like that or even be that petty as to not let them play. If that was a concern to begin with, they could’ve just not joined at all. I did so much to work with their schedules and yet they conveniently threw it out the window in favor of a fictional revenge plot they made up. Disrespectful.

I still never gotten an apology or even an admittance that they misunderstood what was going on. I can only apologize for things I have done, which was just sounding crabby and being unclear about stuff. But favoritism was not something I or anyone did. This still hurts me right now. Even if they don’t want to apologize to me, apologize to everyone else.

The only saving grace was that when all of this was happening, all the participants didn’t ask or question us directly too much on what was going on. It, at least, showed to us that they were confused and/or also knew that we (the staff) wouldn’t do something this egregious. Still, it hurt that everyone didn’t even try to defend me and was perhaps skeptical, like maybe I am this irresponsible (I’m not).

However, there is more to my grievances about this.

Aside from feeling like no one respected me at all, even when I’m the one with the MOST POWER in the conersation, someone told me how everyone (in their server) wanted them to host the tournament. Like, it was very hurtful to hear that everyone else wanted this person to do the job. That everyone wanted them to do everything. It really pissed me off. Being a mod IS a damn thankless job, but I have never felt so hurt and betrayed. I was doing so much for everyone and was trying to make things more fun for people, but nah. They really wanted this cool person that everyone loved and babied, and not some boring old guy like me. Well, I’m sorry I made everyone’s times there boring and bland as fuck. I hope you guys are having more fun now that I’m not there ruining it for you all.

No one even tried to actually defend me when all of this WAS happening. Like? They really left me for dead. Not a single person wanted to believe me or support me until I said all that I could share about it in DMs. Then they all realized that the Allen’s team were being petty about it.

I’m ridiculously tired because this wasn’t EVEN drama to begin with. It was just Allen’s team being vengeful (mostly just Allen and his bestie who was in the team). I was just being dragged down simply because they couldn’t take an L.

Had Allen’s team came up with a better rebuttal, I would’ve let them play. Had they said they got a sub before we gave them a DQ, I would’ve let them play. They did not even try to have a discussion with us and tried to be petty because they thought we were being petty. Like please we don’t got time for your kiddy fights, man. I hope you’re all happy that I suffered for whatever the fuck y’all did.

It was just so damn weird how they correlated this as a “power trip” when…….. it really wasn’t that and everyone could probably read the chat log and will still say that it seemed like miscommunication. Like literally no one got in trouble for anything because it was just… wasn’t even the problem they made it out to be. This was something they could’ve tried to talk it out reasonably with us but they chose NOT to. That is ON THEM entirely.

Given how I was also repeatedly just being disregarded even AS a mod, I was completely fed up with it all. When there were issues, no one brought it up to the mods directly??? And told the server owner instead??? LIKE??? He never even told me that’s how everyone actually felt, i only knew because when I used to be in Ann’s server, they all told me what they felt about the changing times of the server (which can’t be helped in most cases) AND the fact that I can tell that’s how people felt based on the vibes.

Was I really THAT untrustworthy as a person and a mod?? Was I really that incompetent to everyone???

I always felt like I was some half rate guy that no one liked. I tried because I knew that without someone there to manage it, it would’ve been so much worse. But it seemed like to me that everyone thought I was useless and a waste of space. They rather have that popular someone everyone loved to do my job for them. It would be so much better and much more fun, right? I agree.

I didn’t become a mod because I wanted clout. I wanted to help. I did it out of the pure love and appreciation of finding this community at one of the worst times of my life. And I still do want to help, but after all of this? Good luck on that. You all have to beg for me to come back to help. None of you guys deserve me at all.

Anyways, yeah, this is the extent to my side of the story WITH my personal thoughts and opinions on it. I don’t have the energy to make a tl;dr right now after saying all of this. So i’ll make an edit for it later.

This is why I personally left the server and cut off most of the people who I met there if they didn’t try to contact me again or get back in touch with me… And assuming I didn’t contact them first.

There’s just too much bad feelings in it for me to want to stay around. The thing with Ann and some couple others before her and this whole thing, all were as a result of being in this community, made me realize that they don’t want me around anymore. I figured it was time to me to step down or take more of a backseat, but now? Early retirement. Fuck this shit man.

Tl;dr: This is a rant of one of my MANY grievances about being a mod in the compass server. I am not blaming anyone for any of this as I understand that this was just the result of the circumstances that happened with everyone at the time.

The key points being:

Understaffed mod team and a busy server owner, which led me to struggle with modding as I wasn’t sure what was okay and what wasn’t, and overall a lot of work on me being the only person modding a whole server of people. I didn’t mention it before but it stressed me out constantly for years.

Having to demote a mod for misconduct. His list of crimes goes from bad work ethics, bad display of behavior on multiple occasions as a mod, irresponsible with organization (tried to host his own tournament but failed and had me doing most of the heavy lifting before it was ultimately “canceled”), and the worst of all: dating a minor (5 years younger than he was). This point later comes back as this former mod (whom I called Allen for the sake of using a name, it isn’t his name/online handle) joined my tournament with his team.

The team being the one that caused me a lot of trouble because they firmly believed that we were abusing our power and said we deliberately sabotaged them on purpose. None of which was true and I’m sure a lot of people have noticed this, but I refrained from dropping too much details as I’m not here to start shit or make it a callout post. Talk to the two helpers and they can probably explain it better. I listed various reasons for this happening and debunking some potential misunderstandings. The issue was largely miscommunication and I am aware of the issues it caused.

Most of this from that point onward was just my personal thoughts about feeling unappreciated, even under-appreciated, for all the stuff I have done. This extends from members not respecting what I had to say to feeling as if people didn’t want to listen to me or want me around because they thought I was useless, irresponsible, incompetent, and boring. “Clearly”, they don’t want someone like me as a mod so I left as a result of that. There is a lot more it but this is but a summary, so read it all if you want more details.

Overall, I’ve been disrespected and disregarded heavily before, but it felt somewhat clear to me that the community had a bias and very much wanted me to leave despite all that I was doing to make the server a better place to be in. I left after determining that they do not deserve me and if they want me back, they are all going to have to BEG for me to come back.

#teru’s complaining again #vent #rant

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liminalpsych · 10 months

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After two weeks of no adhd meds for the first time since I got on them in 2017, I finally wrangled a way with my pharmacy to get them filled (turns out they’re not backordered on the brand name, just the generic, which I hadn’t thought to check until a client mentioned success with this approach).

They still don’t have enough of my dose in stock so I’m not getting them until Monday, but I’m getting them soon instead of indefinite waiting, and now I have a route to take when the generic is backordered in the future so that I still get my meds on time.

(It’s a little more expensive, but still cheaper than the adhd taxes I’ve been paying with dopamine seeking behaviors for the past two weeks.)

The silver lining has been that I now have a very, very clear understanding of exactly how adhd stimulants help me, and how much they help. (I used to live like this. Only it was worse because I was on an SSRI instead of an NDRI as my antidepressant; my current antidepressant at least takes the edge off some of my adhd symptoms.)

(Did you know serotonin can inhibit dopamine production? That’s possibly why some ADHDers have paradoxical reactions to SSRIs. We don’t have enough dopamine to begin with and then it makes us produce even less? Terrible times.)

Anyway. Might make a separate post about adhd meds on Monday. But for now, here are the things I’ve noticed:

oh right I used to be tired all. the. time. 9 hrs of sleep + a nap = still tired all the time, pre medication. Properly medicated, I’m good on 7.5 hrs. Half medicated (no stimulants, but NDRI), I’ve been doing okay on 8 hours but still pretty fatigued. I have not been getting deep/delta sleep (which stimulants help with in ADHD, adhd brains tend to spend a lot of time in REM sleep and not enough in deep delta sleep, and stimulants increase deep sleep in many adhd cases for some reason). There’s been a couple nights of 0 hours of deep sleep despite 8 hours of sleep. It’s been great. Fabulous. /s (help i’m so so so tired)

Focus/motivation, obviously. Oh right, this is probably why I haven’t written much fiction since college. For the past several months I’ve just been able to choose to write, make myself write and it works. For the past two weeks that has been much, much harder and even impossible. I am able to make myself spend time with my WIP each day to maintain momentum (still using all my adhd coping skills) but writing prose has not really been happening.

Social anxiety. I knew stimulants helped with the rejection sensitivity, social anxiety, overthinking social situations, because I went off of them for 2 days in a row once and had a terrible RSD flare up. But two weeks off of them has been… not great. Also generally just feeling insecure, having self esteem issues flare up, anxiety in general, harder to self-soothe and talk myself through catastrophic thinking, etc etc. (and trust me, I have skills. So many skills. So many well practiced skills. I teach them to others and use them personally. I’m functioning, it’s just extra hard.)

Dopamine seeking. Siiiigh. Back to snacking on sugary things that make my digestive system angry at me, in a desperate subconscious bid for tiny insufficient hits of dopamine. That had mostly stopped.

Task switching has been extra hard, unsurprisingly. Also lots of zoning out.

My driving skill/safety. D: yeeeeah. there are a number of studies out there showing that unmedicated adhd (especially in younger drivers, it improves somewhat with age/experience) shows up as similar levels of impairment as being at/over the blood alcohol limit. I was horrified the first time I drove while medicated. “oh. Oh no. I have not been particularly safe to drive all these years.” Been extra cautious as a result, and haven’t driven the wrong way down one way streets or anything like that the past two weeks, thankfully. (Yes, that was a thing that happened pre-medication.)

In before anyone tries to suggest this is indicative of a dependency or is because I was on meds for a long time: no. This is how I lived 32 years of my life. Until the tiredness got so bad that I got desperate enough for a med change that might work a little better than just “not having intrusive suicidal thoughts,” which is all the SSRI managed to do for me. For the past six years of adhd medication, I haven’t been tired all the time, things haven’t been so mind-numbing hard, it’s been a complete game changer and opened up so much more capacity for living that I didn’t have before.

It sucks to have to go back to my old exhausting norm where I had to drag myself through tasks with sheer force of will and could barely get anything done. I am so relieved the end is in sight and I’ll be back to my modern norm on Monday.

#adhd #medication #psychopharmacology #personal #come back to this later

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c-is-for-circinate · 3 years

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Wait, isn't "anti" stuff more like "anti-pedophilia" and stuff? Like, you have a point about anti-porn attitudes, but from what I've heard just "anti" on its own means against stuff like kid porn and incest porn and legitimately f*cked up sh*t like that.

Okay! So this, I think, is actually a great example of what I was talking about, and a really useful thing to understand. (CW rape, child abuse, etc)

Smarter people than me have written much better essays about why policing thoughtcrimes is a bad road to go down, and I will probably reblog some of them next time they cross my dash for more context. What I want to talk about is the trigger mechanism, the ‘oh, this looks like danger!!!’ immune response in how we look at different kinds of porn, and how that applies to anti culture.

Here’s the thing: I am anti-pedophilia. I think that, for most people, that’s a stance that largely goes without saying! Adults who prey on children are bad. I’m also against incest; relatives who prey on their family members are bad. Above all I oppose rape. Sexual predation of any kind is bad. In fact, I’d say that’s the most important item on the list. There is plenty of room to argue about where the lines are between ‘adult’ and ‘child’ and how teenagers fit in the middle, and there’s plenty of room to get historical about the lines between ethically terrible incest, distasteful-but-bearable “aristocratic inbreeding” between distant cousins, and the kind of consanguinity that tends to develop in a small town where everyone’s vaguely related to everyone else by now anyway. The core of the issue is consent, and it has always been consent. Pedophilia and incest are horrific because they are rape scenarios where the abuser has far more power and their victim far fewer resources to cope, both practically and emotionally; because harm to children is, to us as a culture, worse than harm to adults, for a lot of very valid reasons; and because they constitute betrayal of trust the victim should have been able to put in their abuser as well as rape--but they are all rape scenarios, and that’s why they’re awful.

These things are bad. It is good for us to have a social immune response system that recognizes these things when they’re happening and insists we step in. That is a good thing to develop! It helps us, as a society. It can help the people being victimized. It’s the same reason educators and childcare workers in the US are all mandated reporters, why we do background checks on people working near kids. These things happen, and they’re terrible, and it’s good that we try to be aware and prepared for them. (Though obviously studies show we’re a lot less good at protecting the vulnerable than we’d like to pretend we are.)

The question is: why does that same social immune response trigger, and trigger so angrily, in response to fiction?

Anti culture is fundamentally an expression of that social immune response. Specifically, it’s that social immune response when it is set off by a situation that, while it has some similarities to the very bad real-life crime of sexual predation including pedophilia and incest, is in and of itself harmless.

If you’re instinct is to flare up in anger or dismissiveness because I’m calling these things harmless, I want to ask you to just take a deep breath and bear with me for a bit longer. What you’re feeling right now is an allergic reaction.

Humans tell and read and listen to stories about “legitimately fucked up shit” all the time. It’s part of the human condition. It’s part of how we process those things happening, not just to use, but to other people in the world around us. It’s part of how we process completely unrelated fucked-up shit, playing with fears and furies and insecurities that we all have, through so may layers of fiction that we don’t even recognize them any more, playing with power dynamics in metaphor and making characters suffer for fun. Aside from the fact that literally all stories do this to some extent or another; aside from the fact that drawing lines between ‘ok that’s good storytelling’ and ‘that’s too fucked-up to write about’ is arbitrary, subjective, and dangerous in its own right; aside from all of that, these stories are stories. All of them.

Even the ones about rape, about incest, about pedophilia. They’re words on a page. No real children were harmed, touched, or even glanced at in the making of this work of fiction. This story, pornographic though it may be, is part of a conversation between consenting adults. (And if a teenager lies about their age to consent, that is a different problem altogether.)

Stories in and of themselves, no matter what they’re about, are no more dangerous than a crate full of oranges. Which is to say: utterly harmless, unless all you have to eat is oranges, all day every day, and you find yourself dying slowly of nutrient deficiency--which is why representation matters. Or unless someone wields one deliberately, violently, as a tool to cause harm, and someone gets acid in their eye--which is the fault of the person holding the orange. And unless you happen to be allergic to citrus.

The key here is this twofold understanding: First, the thing that hurts you can also have value to others. Real, legitimate value. Whether you’ve undergone trauma and certain story elements are straight-up PTSD triggers or you just don’t like orange juice, that story, those tropes, that crate of oranges may be somewhere between icky and fundamentally abhorrent--but we understand that that is still your reaction. Even if you don’t understand how anybody could ever enjoy it; even if every single person you surround yourself with is as sensitive and disgusted and itchy about this thing that makes your eyes hurt and your throat stop working as you; that doesn’t make it true for everyone. That doesn’t make oranges poisonous. No real children were involved in the writing of this story. It is words on a page.

But, secondly: the thing that has value to others can also hurt you. Just because a story isn’t inherently poison doesn’t mean it can’t cause you, personally, pain. That’s what a PTSD trigger is: an allergic reaction, psychological anaphylaxis, a brain that’s trying so hard to protect its own from a threat that isn’t actually present (but was once, and the brain is trained to respond) that it causes far more harm and misery than the trigger itself possibly could. And no, it’s not just people with PTSD who sometimes get hurt by stories. There are many, many ways a story can poke the part of your brain that says, this is Bad, I don’t like this, I don’t want to be here. The story is still, always, every time, pixels on a screen and ink on paper. The story causes no physical harm. But it can poke your brain into misery, it can stir up your emotions, it can make you want to cringe and run away. It can make you want to scream and fight and go after the author who brought this thing into existence. It can make you hurt.

This is an allergic reaction. This is your brain and body, your reflexes and instincts, trying to protect you from something that isn’t really happening. And just like a literal allergic reaction, it can do actual harm to you if it gets set off. This is real. The fact that stories can upset you to the point of pain and mental/emotional injury is real, even though it’s coming from your own brain and not the story itself. There are stories you shouldn’t read. There are stories I shouldn’t read, regret reading, will never read, because they hurt me. That doesn’t mean they’re the same stories that would hurt you. That doesn’t mean they don’t have value.

And, finally:

If getting upset about stories is fundamentally an individual person’s allergic reaction, their brain freaking out and firing off painful survival instincts in the face of a thing that isn’t, in and of itself, a threat? Then the anti movement is a cultural allergic reaction.

Fandom as a whole has a pretty active immune system, which doesn’t mean we have a good immune system. We try very hard to be aware of all the viruses and -isms and abuse and manipulation and cruelty, both systematic and individual, that exists around and within our community. We’re primed and ready to shout about things at all times. The anti movement is that system, that culture, screaming and shouting and fighting at a harmless thing on a grand scale. It wants to stop that thing, that scary awful thing that trips all of its well-primed danger sensors, at all costs. It’ll swell up and block off our airways (our archives) if it has to. It’ll turn on the body it came from. It’s scared and protective and trying to fight, and it’s ready to fight and destroy itself.

Luckily, fans and fanfic and fandom and fan culture are a lot bigger and older than they often get credit for, and it’s not like these cultural allergies are anything new. We could talk about shippers and slashers in the X-Files fandom in the 90s. We could talk about the birth of fandom in the days of Star Trek. We could talk about censorship and book burning going back centuries. We survived that and we’ll survive this, too.

But god, does the anti movement my throat and eyes itch. Man is it irritating, and sometimes a little suffocating, to realize how many stories just aren’t getting told out of fear of what the antis will say. And that’s the real danger, I think. What are we losing that would have so much value to someone? What are we missing out?

#fandom #anti culture #anti-anti #I guess?#asked and answered #you are not WRONG or BAD or BROKEN if a story hurt you #but neither is the story #Anonymous #anti discourse day

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we-all-implode · 3 years

Text

implosion at the end of the world

implosion at the end of the world is an upcoming interactive novel about horrible coping mechanisms, demons, and all the drama that comes with being in your twenties…

content warnings for drug use (and drinking!), stalking, sexual content...! (plus more? i still need to outline anyways...) 18+ readers only!

you are an average 25 year old… or at least you’re sure you are. By now, it would be very embarrassing to continue making being an orphan your entire personality; even though your parents did disappear when you were 12. That’s basically old news though, you’re still working on the residual trauma with your therapist.

There’s just one thing though, ever since then, you’ve gained strange… abilities. You’ve always thought they were quite unhelpful. You can never activate them consistently, even now. They only seem to appear when your emotions are quite strong.

It gets worse, though. You have a demon attached to you. And you have no idea how to get rid of it. Nothing you’ve tried so far can get rid of it, and it keeps implying that its targeting you on purpose. To what end, you’re scared to think about that. Even though you have a good guess. Surely now, it would be good to mention your stalker, too. It’s seriously only wednesday…

character customization <3! all the basics! plus neopronouns!! decide what your powers manifest as!

play detective and figure out where your parents went! or dont? i mean, they did abandon you...

play detective but just be nosy. get into mischief. there will be lots of it.

try to exorcise a demon before things get worse up there!

join a secret society (fun!)

absolute silly shenanigans. my brand first and foremost.

soojin choi // 24 (pronoun selectable)

your best friend (and only friend) and roommate. you've know them since you graduted high school. blissfully unaware of your life troubles, but you can tell that won't be for long.

cinnamon roll that looks like a cinnamon roll, etc etc.

always willing to bail you out from jail...!

nayeli amador // 24 (she/her)

your on again/off again girlfriend of..... 10 months...? (bad partner! bad partner!)

currently off, because she is so tired of your shit

other than that she is a very lovely lady.

hopefully nothing goes wrong here.

amvrosiy maksimov // 20-something (he/him)

oh this absolute fucker.

would be the slasher in the slasher film

somehow HE'S noticed your powers, and he has a vested interest in speaking with you.

probably has your best interest in mind?

befriend him or befoe him, or just fuck him, it's all up to you.

châu phan // 25 (they/them)

nayeli's friend

you are vaguely aware of them...

they hate your guts though.

who doesn't.

the demon // !??!?!!! (???/???)

from what you've gleaned, someone has set this demon upon you, and it has one goal in mind, and will stop at nothing to achieve it.

absolutely does not have your best interest in mind. the demon has your worst interest in mind. the demon wants you to fail.

how long have demons been real and who the hell is angry enough to bind one to you?

find out...

...and more!

hiiiii!! my name is mars!

im 22! my pronouns are they/he. this is my first interactive fiction novel. implosion at the end of the world is the final form of my first idea. it's slowly gotten sillier and sillier, from a more scarier demon possession story, to whatever this is. i hope you'll have as much fun reading as i will have writing this.

demo (TBA) // playlist // some other tag...! we're still editing this blog!

#interactive novel #interactive fiction #low fantasy #demons #if wip #we all implode #why did i give soojins age then nobody elses #tweaked!#i need to start making tag pages besides

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poisonouswritings · 2 years

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Sage and MC living on Earth and taking Sage to therapy cuz babyboy my kitten man my joy❤️ you need it :3

I like how this implies that there's no therapists on Astraea

GN!Reader, I've thought about this a lot actually, not me with my stoner agenda, pretty vague drug/alcohol addiction mention, depression symptoms/depictions, mental health stuff in general ig, i had to add a readmore because i have many thoughts, I think Sage internalized the effects of his trauma a lot in the final few chapters of the story but once he actually has time to breathe and feel safe with you the months and years of it all build up and explode on him

Okay so like,, *pats Sage's head* this bad boy can fit so much trauma in him

This is post-game so it's the first time in months that Sage has had the chance to just breathe. And once he's adjusted to Earth (which takes a little bit. Initially he's afraid of basically everything because it's all so unfamiliar and he's been in fight-mode for half a year) some of the anxieties start to settle. But some of them don't. Like you thought he'd stop following you around everywhere once he realizes that No Just Because A Car Honks Doesn't Mean It's Gonna Eat You but apparently not.

No I make jokes but he thought Gramme killed you before and then you nearly died during the fight with LoS so like he is terrified of losing you again. And I think he always kinda followed you around before anyways (because he's an attention whore of a cat and just really loves being around you) but now he gets legitimately anxious if you're out of his sight for too long. His cat instincts don't help. Like you have to leave for work once and you're gone for six hours or so and you come back and the apartment is completely trashed (anxious zoomies) and he's huddled in the corner having a massive panic attack.

That's what finally gets him to agree to therapy.

You gotta like,, because you're on Earth so you have to translate all the Astraean stuff into Earth stuff. The stuff about Sage growing up on the street and taking care of Tulsi and being in a gang and whatever, change a few little details here and there and it's fine. But when it comes to the magic stuff,, 'corruption' becomes 'drug use' (and I think that's decently suitable because it's a weird substance (the potions) that makes you have a severe emotional and physical reaction that's usually destructive and Sage has admitted to feeling addicted to the feeling before and wanting to give in to it. also just,, with his background in general drug addiction would be kinda expected so it's easy to get the therapist to roll with it so), your six-month disappearance became a six-month coma caused by Gramme (I think Gramme was kind of a father figure to all the Starsworn and honestly no matter which theory you believe (Gramme was always LoS from the very beginning vs Gramme really did die in the battle and LoS basically just stole his body/appearance) it's gonna fuck Sage up a lil) and that at the same time Sage was incapacitated and disfigured and he couldn't do anything to protect you, and the LoS fight a drug-fueled confrontation where Gramme nearly killed you again. Lucan and Balsam both OD'ed and tried to kill Sage/you (respectively) and Sage had to kill them as a result. Etc etc.

He just has,, such a laundry list of trauma and unhealthy coping mechanisms,,,, this is gonna take a while. Honestly the therapist wants to refer him to a psychiatrist because he desperately needs some form of anxiety medication but like,, Sage doesn't have medical records,,,, so she just suggests weed. And I say this with some authority because my sister's therapist just flat-out told her to take some THC when the anxiety got too bad, so. You have to make sure he doesn't overdo it but I think as long as he (meaning you) are responsible he should be just fine.

You have to sit in the first couple of sessions. Gradually the therapist asks you to sit outside a little bit at a time. The first time Sage only makes it seven minutes before coming out to check on you (it doesn't help the therapist was asking him about the first fight with Gramme (what you know was the sewers) to see how he responded and the answer was Not Well). As time goes by he's able to gradually increase that until he can get through a full session of discussing traumatic things without you in sight. He's always a little weak afterwards though, but you're there to support him and that means everything to him.

He also gets better at spending time alone and being okay with you being alone. It's not his favorite thing in the world but he no longer destroys property so it's progress

There are a lot of days where he backslides. Especially in the beginning. He can't get out of bed, he can't speak, he can't even let you use the bathroom by yourself because he's that afraid. You do your best to take care of him but it's hard. There's no denying that. And the day after he's always so hard on himself. Frustrated for feeling weak, upset that he worried you, just really overwhelmed.

It's the first time in the last half-a-year that he hasn't been fighting for his life so he just,, sleeps,,, constantly in the beginning. He'll spend all day in bed if you don't wake him up and coax him into taking care of himself. I also think that he doesn't eat a lot for the same reason and you have to gently remind him about that too. And showering. Everything just drains him. And then he gets angry at himself for being so helpless and weak and it all just cycles.

But you're there for it all. And so he just focuses on you. Tells himself that he has to get better for your sake because you've already put up with so much from him that he cant take anything else from you. And eventually he'll understand and truly believe that he genuinely deserves self-love and to feel okay - daresay good - about himself.

Over time it happens less often. He learns to drink a lot of water. Does a bit of exercise (mostly walking in the parks with you and stuff. If you can't walk much then he'll carry you or push you in a wheel chair or whatever you need. He just likes spending time with you so he'll do whatever he can to accommodate you) and eats a vegetable once in a while.

I'm going to assume Sage still has some way to see Tulsi (side note I'm pre-emptively annoyed because I'm assuming the finale (if we ever get it) is gonna have either you stay on Astraea or Sage going with you to Earth because I do not think he could handle losing you to Earth and I also do not think he can or should have to lose Tulsi again because they already didn't talk for five years don't fucking do it again) and when she starts to notice the change in him,, and she's the first one to see it (aside from you but definitely before Sage does),,, she's so happy. She teases him here and there but when he's in the kitchen cooking you guys lunch or something she's crying into your shoulder because she's so proud of him

The first time he notices it is when someone shoves you in public and he's able to keep himself calm enough to carefully remove the both of you without escalating anything and it's like ten minutes later and he's like 'Holy Shit I Didn't Even Threaten That Person Babe Babe Look I Handled Myself :3' and he's so proud and happy for the rest of the day

Sage just,, finally beginning to learn that it's okay to feel safe and loved and vulnerable

Ough I love him so much I just want to punt him directly into a therapists office

#last legacy #fictif last legacy #sage lesath x reader #sage Lesath #fictif sage #last legacy sage #cw drug mention #cw alcohol mention #cw depression #cw eating mention #very vague but idk #fren asks #ozzy answers #ozzy daydreams

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wannabe-fic-writer · 3 years

Text

Wanda Maximoff x Reader : When She Smiles

Summary: Seasons change, your feelings never will.

Warnings: Language

Covers the “Carving Pumpkins” square for fall bingo.

Word Count: 1,183

* * * * * *

Biting your lip in concentration, your eyes narrow slightly as your hand wields the small knife in your hand.

Your sight had to be failing you because you were not cutting these shapes properly. Or maybe your hands weren’t as good as you thought they were. Either way the image in your head was not coming to fruition like you hoped it would.

“All done!”

Your gaze snaps up from your task to the source of the voice.

Standing across from you, Wanda smiles brightly. The red wisps of her powers dissipate as she drops her carving knife onto the counter before she turns the pumpkin around.

“Wha-” your jaw drops, shoulders sagging as you frown.“ That’s totally cheating! You can’t use your powers.”

Her hands settle on her hips.“ Why not? It’s the same as using my hands.” She reasons, her eyebrow cocked challengingly.

You stumble, mouth opening and closing as you search for something to say. You know how her powers work and quite frankly you can’t argue her statement. Her powers are like extra sets of hands, doing as her mind instructed it to do.

“That’s not fair. Mine sucks.”

Defeatedly you turn your pumpkin around. A snort instantly falls from Wanda’s lips as her green eyes scan over the extremely bad carving you made in the pumpkin.

“It’s-” she covers her mouth to hide the smile on her lips, then rounds the counter to stand beside you.“ It’s not that bad.” She manages to say.

You purse your lips, reaching down, you turn your pumpkin back around.

When Wanda looks at it again she bursts into laughter. Her hands wrap around your arms and she rests her forehead on your shoulder as she laughs.

The sound of her laugh warms your heart. You know it’s genuine and it makes you incredibly happy that you’re the cause of it.

Having been together for a year and half, you’d seen Wanda in a number of different emotional states. Seeing her carefree is by far you’re favorite.

Happiness for the two of you came and went in the past but it seemed to finally stick when you started dating. That’s not to say tough times didn’t come, they were just a lot easier to cope with with the woman you love by your side.

She speaks again, pulling you from your reverie.“ It’s definitely scary.” She giggles and you scoff, playfully shrugging her off.

“Well I don’t have special powers that make badass pumpkin designs.” You huff, dropping the carving knife down onto the counter.

Wanda grabs your hand, pulling you closer as she pushes up on her toes to press a kiss to your cheek.“ I think it looks good.”

You give her a suspicious look,“ you’re just saying that to make me feel better.”

“That’s only part of the reason.” This time you smile and Wanda does as well, her hand squeezing yours.

“What’s the other part?” You ask.

Reaching over, she grabs your other hand and tugs gently so you turn to face her completely.“ That is because you’ve put so much effort into. . . all this.” She looks around, eyes flickering over the Halloween decorations: window stickers of ghosts, spiders, zombies and the like, orange string lights, fake spider webs, etc.

“You said you’ve never celebrated,” you start to explain your reason for going all out this year.“ I wanted you to experience it the way I used to when I was a kid.”

Wanda nods, squeezing your hands,“ I know and I love you for it. It means a lot to me that you’d go to this much effort for me.” Her smile comes back, replacing the serious expression on her face.

Dropping her hand, you raise it to her cheek,“ I’d do anything to see that smile.” You tell her, gently caressing her cheek with your thumb.

A brief silence passes as her eyes search yours, another second before she’s leaning up and pressing her lips to yours. The way you instantly melt into the kiss, pulling her body closer to yours with a hand on her hip causes another smile to tug onto her face.

It’s a sweet kiss, only complimented by her soft touch on your hand and face. It’s the kind of kiss that’s reminiscent of your previous ones but also one that stands out from them.

You’ll remember this very moment for the rest of your life and while you can’t begin to understand why, you’re completely okay with it. Especially if she’d be by your side for just as long, sharing the same memory.

Finally you part, a soft quiet smack signifying the end of the kiss and filling the silence that neither of you can find the words to do so instead.

Your moment doesn’t end abruptly, it slowly dissipates. A hand slowly falls from both of your faces and your eyes open slowly, the love and serenity remains.

With a gentle squeeze to her hand you take a small step back.“ It’s a good thing my pumpkin sucks anyway, just means all the attention is going to yours. In fact,” you let her hand go and pick her pumpkin up,“ I’m gonna put it outside right now. Show it off to the neighbors.”

As you walk away Wanda smiles at the proud look on your face and your even prouder exclamation of, “my girlfriend’s pumpkin is the best one on the block.”

Stepping over to the sink, her eyes look out the window.

Leaves continue to fall, all different hues of red, leaving the trees bare and the ground covered in them. She could see the lights and decorations the neighbors had put up. All of which set the tone for the season and coming holiday.

Then her eyes landed on you. A giggle immediately erupting from her at the sight of your fists pressed to your hips, a confident pose struck before you turn and point to the porch, Wanda following your finger to see that you were showing off her pumpkin.

She shakes her head, a perfectly happy smile on her face. It seemed to permanently be there whenever you were involved.

Admittedly it’s incredible to her, the way you so easily pulled that euphoric feeling from her. She’s lived an incredibly tough life, a lot of loss as well as being on the receiving end of ignorant judgment. With you it was never that.

While some looked at her in fear you held nothing but amazement and adoration in your eyes.

At times she questioned it, whether she made you as happy as you made her. But then you smile like you’re doing now.

Sliding around the corner beaming, you start telling her about your conversation with your neighbor. An extra bit of excitement hits your tone when you mention how he sounded jealous.

“I love you.” She says, voice dripping every bit of sincerity she had.

You stop short, still smiling, then saying,“ I love you too Wan.”

“Thank you.” With a curious tilt of your head you ask why she’s thanking you.“ For making me smile.”

* * * * *

Taglist: @owloftheshadows @natasha-danvers @blackxwidowsxwife @yumusak-yastik @b-5by5 @fayhar @lostandsearching @iliketozoneout @storiesofsvu @ecruzsalaz

#wanda maximoff #wanda maximoff imagine #wanda maximoff fluff #wanda maximoff x reader #wanda maximoff x you #marvel #marvel x reader #mcu #mcu x reader #storiesofsvufallbingo

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danhoemei · 3 years

Note

What do you think of the reconciliation of Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng that is confirmed (post canon) in Lan Wangji's letter?

Tbh I just learnt something new from you anon lmao.

First of all, let's establish the post canon here, as I found that it's from cql. I come from the novel so I had no idea about it.

Although all adaptations spring from the same source, all of them have smaller or bigger differences and divergences. Thus, it's not that easy to say what is "canon" here, e.g. something that happens in the drama doesn't mean that it's canon for the novel as well, and the other way around, and as I've seen so far both are quite different in some aspects, maybe even with a few contradictions.

Another thing is the source of the information. For me the strongest will always be the source material, and additional bits of information from interviews, author's posts etc. can be treated with less weight. I had experiences in other fandoms or media where the author started spewing nonsense out of spite, or literally contradicted what was in the original story, so since then I take additional bits added post-release as a free candy which I can take or not.

Now, coming back to mdzs's adaptations. The manhua and donghua are considerably close to the novel, so I consider the novel as the scroll of truth here. However, when it comes to the drama I kind of think of it as an alternate version with its own rights, and I personally pretty much separate these two. So I'd say that the letter could be treated as canon for cql, but not necessarily for the novel.

So now the question is, do I take this candy?

Gods in all heavens, heck yes.

Even though I treat all adaptations more or less separate, there are certain parts which I will fiercely headcanon no matter what, in all of them. And one of these things is that yunmeng bros need each other and will gravitate towards each other whether they want it or not. Initially, the main reason could be only jin ling. They love him and care about him, so even if both of them avoided each other they would still have this connection and possibly bump into each other from time to time. Jin ling is the last part of their family who they loved very much, but both of them are also these last bits of it. And it is very clear how strong a family instinct they have. Yunmeng is also wwx's home, where he grew up and what he longed for many times, no matter how much time passed. He would want to come back there from time to time, even if he was thrown away from lotus pier. What about jiang cheng, who threw him out? Even when he shouted at wwx to leave (before the whole golden core revelation), to me it seemed like another thing he spouted in the heat of the moment when his emotions and grievances took reins, as he instantly froze and tried to stop wwx who complied and turned away. So I don't imagine him taking excessive steps to keep wwx away later on, especially after his approach changed quite significantly towards the end, even towards wen ning who he initially hated with every fiber of his being.

And don't get me wrong - I don't see them as sweet bros longing for each other who just need to sit down once and talk and it'll be dandy. They have a ton of issues (mostly on jiang cheng’s side) and unspoken secrets between each other which are not easy to disclose but which hold them back very significantly. Mostly jiang cheng needs to change for this to happen, let his thick as hell walls drop a bit to be less on guard and be more open, and stop constantly hurting others because of his lack of control and toxic coping mechanisms. All that stems from childhood trauma, severe inferiority complex, pathological parents who didn't give him support and love he needed. But not one thing from these justifies his behaviour and how he compensates or lashes out when anything triggers him. Still, in the root of his being is love and care for his family, which could be seen so many times when he made sacrifices in order to protect his loved ones or the whole sect, each time when he's overprotective of jin ling, also each time he helped wwx despite being very vocal about the opposite. He's a contradictory character with tons of issues, which he unfortunately takes out on others.

So their reconciliation in my eyes is not gonna be easy and fast. It's a long and bumpy road, began with a long period of absence from each other's lives, then featuring arguments or clashes, unsaid feelings, secrets, and sacrifices finally spilling (probably in shouting voices and tears). I like to think that with time jiang cheng could mature emotionally and learn to be healthier, not only thanks to being surrounded by people who love him and care for him, but also because maybe those people could open his eyes on his behaviour and teach him a bit. As jin ling grows older, he could get bolder and more confident, and say what he doesn’t like about his uncle’s way of being or treating others. I also like to imagine wwx being more direct in his grievances or reproaches and basically being done with jiang cheng’s bs, because he is now happy, with lwj by his side, and may learn to prioritise himself instead of constantly giving to others and sacrificing himself and his own comfort. If jiang cheng is like that then why should wwx deal with him, if he doesn't feel like it? So what if it's jiang cheng who needs to swallow his pride and finally make the first move, if he actually wants any kind of contact with his brother? Maybe there is a banquet at yunmeng after a long time passes, and he invites wwx. Maybe it doesn’t go so well but later on they still keep bumping into each other and having smaller or bigger conversations, maybe meanwhile jin ling gets involved in something and they collaborate to help him. Bit by bit, I like to think that they both slowly (and finally) learn and understand each other more. And that at some point they'd be like a true and close family, not the one they were - something different, more grown up and mature. That they can travel to each other, have casual conversations and goof around, maybe steal some lotus pods together again, but this time with more mirth and fun than those competitive teenage years way back.

I just... want these two to be happy and there for each other ;__; They lost so much, but they still have each other and I don’t want them to forget that as well, especially when they clearly have so much love and care in them ;___;

So yes, I am very much into taking the letter as a general canon for me, because this is already what I headcanoned anyway ;d

And just a reminder! This is all my own self indulgent headcanon based on my interpretation of these characters and their relationship (rather from the novel’s perspective, I can’t talk with confidence about the drama). Take what you want from it, or don’t take anything at all. These are stories made for us to enjoy and reflect on, not fight or spread hate over, so go wild with your imagination and headcanons, enjoy and have fun <3

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