#anyway this is all ive been doing lately because i am on a strong panic backslide teehee

[bosspigeon]

im being very normal about him

[nerdypanda3126]

15: “I don’t want to get up — you’re too comfy.” Adrienette or Marichat. Congrats on 100 followers! 🥳

Both? Both. Both is good. lol Hope you like it! ^^

Five Times Marinette Snuggled with Chat Noir (And One Time with Adrien)

Read on Ao3

I.

“Marinette, look! I beat your high…” Chat’s triumphant crow was cut off when he noticed that Marinette had fallen asleep slumped over her textbook.

When he’d gotten there a little earlier, she’d yawned as she told him he was welcome to hang out as long as he kept her awake so she could study. Oops. As he watched, she slumped further over and was in danger of falling out of her chair. He jumped to her side to catch her before she slid to the floor.

“Okay, I think it’s time for bed, Marinette.”

He chuckled as her full body weight fell into him. Yep, she was out cold. Thank goodness he was suited up, or struggling to get her dead weight out of her chair and up to her loft would’ve been a much bigger challenge. He set her down on her bed as gently as he could and she settled onto her side with a contented sigh. He smiled fondly at her. She was always working so hard. He was actually relieved he’d failed at keeping her awake. She deserved some rest.

He shifted on her bed to position himself below the skylight so he could pull himself up without waking her. But before he could, an arm wrapped around his waist and—with a surprising amount of strength—pulled him backwards. His face flamed when she pressed her chest against his back and nuzzled into him before she mumbled something incoherent and sighed again. She was still asleep, then. He breathed a sigh of relief. But until she shifted, or loosened her iron grip on him, he wasn’t going anywhere.

He didn’t intend to fall asleep. But her bed was so much warmer than his, and her breathing was rising and falling so steadily, and her arm was so snugly wrapped around him… his eyes had fluttered closed before he could help it.

II.

He knew instantly something was wrong when his boots hit her balcony and she was out in her chair with a blanket wrapped around her. Before he could say anything, she hid her face and wiped at her eyes hurriedly, sniffling. When she turned back to him, her eyes were red and her smile wobbled.

“Chat, hi.” She wiped at her cheeks again. “Um, what’s up?”

“I think I should be asking you,” he said. “Why were you crying?”

“Crying? No, I wasn’t—this is, well I mean, okay, I was crying, but not because of anything…”

Her eyes met his and he watched her smile falter. He rushed to her side before she broke and gathered her into an awkward sideways hug. She rested her head on his shoulder and he felt her shaking when she started crying silently. He kept watch over her for purple butterflies and smoothed his claws through her hair in what he hoped was a comforting movement.

When her tears finally died down, she shifted sideways and he perched on the side of her chair with her, cradling her against his chest.

“Can I do anything to help?” he asked quietly.

She shook her head against him. “This is enough.”

“Okay.” He squeezed her shoulders and looked up to watch the stars instead. It didn’t take long for her breathing to even out.

When he was sure she was deeply asleep, he carried her inside and tucked her in again, this time making sure to avoid her cuddle reflex. Although he wouldn’t have minded being caught again, if he was honest. When he was back on her balcony, he looked back and noticed she was frowning slightly in her sleep and reaching out to the spot he’d occupied last time. That shouldn’t have made his heart flutter in his chest, and he couldn’t have explained why it most certainly did.

III.

“Chat Noir, you’re not going home like that,” Marinette admonished him.

“I’ll be fine, princess, my house is like a… it’s a hop, skip, and a jump from here.” He waved in the general direction of his house and tried to give her a devilish grin, but in his sleep-deprived state, he was pretty sure it ended up looking more like a woozy half-smile.

“The fact that you just told me that means you’re definitely not okay to go home.”

He would’ve been offended that she was laughing at him if his eyelids weren’t so unbearably heavy. A late night akuma and an early morning photoshoot on top of his already full day wasn’t a great combination, now that he thought about it. Whose idea was that, anyways?

“Pff. Hawkmoth,” he mumbled. “What the heck kind of name is that, anyways? Hawk. Moth. Are you a… are you a hawk or a moth?” He yawned. “Make up your mind, am I right?”

“You’re right.” Marinette was still chuckling at him as she pushed him down to her chaise. His legs gave out surprisingly easy and he fell backwards.

“Whoa. You’re strong.”

“And you’re staying here.” She pushed him back down when he tried to sit up. He didn’t have enough strength to pull himself up again.

“Mmm. Cat nap sounds nice,” he heard himself say, then he smiled as he felt a blanket get draped across him. “You’re nice, too.”

He thought he saw her smiling before his eyelids fluttered decidedly closed.

When he woke up, a little less loopy and a little more well rested, Marinette was snuggled up against him on the chaise. He’d turned to his side while he slept and his arm was wrapped around her waist while she nuzzled into his chest. Her hands were curled up around her chin and she was smiling in her sleep. He let himself relax again and tucked the blanket a little more securely over them both. Best cat nap ever.

IV.

The slick rain on the rooftop, combined with his blurry vision, made him slip and fumble a landing as he ran over the rooftops of Paris. His ankle had twisted; he knew it from the sharp sting he felt every time his left foot landed. But he couldn’t stop. He didn’t know where he was going. Didn’t care. As long as it was away from the mansion. Away from his father and… away from what he’d seen. He’d have to tell Ladybug. They’d have to go after him. But tonight. Tonight he could barely breathe. Could barely see straight.

The hazy lights of Marinette’s balcony registered a minute after he crash landed. He dragged himself over to the corner and curled into a ball, hoping she wasn’t home. Hoping he hadn’t woken her from whatever pleasant dream she’d been having. He hoped it was pleasant. He curled tighter into himself and let himself weep.

The light from her skylight fell across him and he groaned. Of course she was here. Of course she’d heard him as he’d clattered to her roof.

“Chat Noir?” He didn’t miss the note of panic in her voice, but he didn’t move to acknowledge her. Maybe she didn’t know for sure. Maybe she just came to check.

Her hand touched his shoulder, then she was leaning over him, blocking the rain.

“Are you hurt? What’s going on?”

He watched her eyes glance over him, checking for injuries, before they finally fell on his face.

“Oh, kitty,” she whispered. She reached out to touch her fingers to his cheek, and without thinking about it, he leaned into her touch. She blew out a breath and her mood shifted. Became gently authoritative. It flickered something in the back of his mind. A memory. But he didn’t care to try to place it.

“Okay. Come on. Inside. Out of the rain.” She tugged at him, and his hand fell limply from hers. She sighed. “Chat, I’ll carry you if I have to, but we need to get you inside and dried off, okay?”

He sniffed and pulled himself up to sit against her railing. For a moment, he raised his face to the sky and let the rain wash over him. Felt nice. Cold. It ran rivulets through his hair and he realized he was soaked. His ankle was starting to throb. Inside. Right.

He let Marinette pull him to his feet and usher him inside, leaning heavily on her and wincing as the pain of his ankle set in. She sat him on the edge of her bed and disappeared to find towels for him. He hung his head between his knees and clasped his hands around his neck. Deep breaths. Marinette couldn’t protect him if he got akumatized right now. He wasn’t sure he could protect Marinette, either.

When she came back, he sat up and let her fuss over him. Let her fluff his hair with the towel and wipe his face and neck. Her bed where he’d been sitting was soaked through from the runoff of his suit, but she didn’t even seem to notice.

"I shouldn't be here," he whispered. "Marinette, if I'm akumatized…"

"Don't worry about it."

She sounded so sure. So firm. He didn't bother protesting anymore. Instead he fell back onto her bed and stared through the skylight. Watched the rain streak across the glass. At some point she crawled into the bed next to him and he wrapped his arm around her automatically.

She didn't say anything else, or ask him to talk about it. Having her weight against him was comfort enough, and he drifted off along with her.

V.

"Pound it?" Ladybug held out her fist for him and smiled. He bumped his knuckles against hers and turned to vault away. Her hand on his shoulder stopped him.

"Chat, what's the rush? It's over. We won. Don't you want to celebrate?"

His eyes slid over to Hawkmoth, revealed to the world to be his own father, and bile rose to his throat.

"Not really, no." He winced as her face fell. "I mean, I do, or at least I will. There's just someone I want to check on first. Make sure she's okay."

Ladybug's head quirked sideways and her brow furrowed as she tried to understand. "The Miraculous Ladybugs fixed everything."

"I know." He looked away, towards Marinette's balcony. "I just don't think it'll feel real until I see her."

Ladybug's hand fell from his shoulder in silent understanding and she let him vault away.

When he dropped to Marinette's balcony, she was there to meet him. Before she could say anything, he swept her into his arms. Into a bone-crushing bear hug that knocked the breath out of them both. He buried his face in her hair and breathed her in.

"You okay, kitty?" She laughed and the way she held him back almost made him believe she'd been just as worried about him.

"Purrfect," he purred before he sighed. All the tension and adrenaline of the battle left him. It was real. It was over. "And exhausted," he admitted.

"Me, too." She was smiling as she pulled away and led him over to her skylight. When they reached her bed, they collapsed into a sprawl of limbs, and he fell instantly asleep with her scent surrounding him, his arms wrapped entirely around her, happy and home.

VI.

He woke up first. Plagg flew into his vision and they shared the familiar panic. Leave. Hide. The small sleeping form of Marinette practically on top of him was both a blessing and a curse. He didn't want to wake her. But he shook her shoulders gently anyways.

"Marinette, keep your eyes closed. I have to go."

“Nooo…" she groaned as she nuzzled into his neck. "I don’t want to get up—you’re too comfy.”

He chuckled and ran his thumb along her bare arm, delighting in the goosebumps that sprang up under his touch.

"Unless you want me to let the cat out of the bag…"

She paused and he felt her face scrunch against him as she screwed her eyes shut. "It's okay now, though, right?"

Well, that was a loaded question. Yes, he supposed the identity rule was nullified by Hawkmoth's defeat. But he hadn't talked about it yet with Ladybug. And he always thought she'd be the first to know. He shared another look with Plagg, but his kwami just shrugged. Adrien’s choice, then.

As he ran his thumb back up Marinette's arm, he realized that more than anything he wanted this. To touch her without the gloves and run his fingers through her hair. He wanted her to look into his eyes, not the ones covered by Plagg's magic. Hawkmoth was gone. His father was gone. Ladybug would understand.

"Okay.” He blew out a breath. “You can open your eyes."

Her grip around his waist tightened, and she curled into him before she took a deep breath and turned her face towards his. Her eyes were still shut. He chuckled and ran his thumb across her furrowed brow, smoothing out the worried crease that had formed, before he ducked down to press a kiss to her forehead.

"Marinette. It's okay."

She shook her head against him. "Me first." She sighed and clutched his shirt. "Chat, I'm--" she paused and took another deep breath. "I'm Ladybug."

As soon as the words left her mouth, she opened one eye, then the next. Her breath seemed to leave her in a short gasp as her bluebell eyes met his.

"And you're Adrien," she whispered.

[heart-eyes-kippen]

Hello here’s a Becca x Kelly fic bc we need more content

(Sorry to my Andi Mack followers! This’ll probably be the only ‘the society’ fic I post on this account so feel free to skip this one.)

*AO3 link in the reblog*

*keep reading for the fic*

~

“I’m sorry,” said Kelly, hovering meekly by the foot of Becca’s hospital bed. “I thought someone told you.” 

 Becca let out a bitter sounding laugh. “Nope. No one. Gordie dropped by, but he lied to us apparently...”

 Kelly smiled slightly, walking around and settling down on the edge of the bed. “He probably just didn’t want to stress either of you out with...you know...the whole childbirth thing.” 

 Becca nodded, but it seemed as though her mind was elsewhere at that moment. She kept looking between Kelly and the empty space beside her, biting her lip.

 When she spoke, her voice was unusually soft.

 “I’m scared,” she admitted, and Kelly’s world suddenly seemed to shatter. The realisation of what could happen to New Ham under their new lead hadn’t been an easy one for her, but somehow, looking sadly over at Becca, it hit her all over again like a pile of bricks.

 “I know...me too.” 

 Becca, who had spent the past few days with her baby almost constantly, was now being told that Eden would have to live while Campbell was thriving with his new authority over The Gaurd. Becca, who had told Kelly a few weeks ago about knowing exactly what Campbell was capable of - always seeing it on his face when he spoke to her best friend, now had to watch as he controlled New Ham from behind closed doors. Becca, who despite all of her fears somehow managed to remain so strong, was now looking back at Kelly with tears welling in her eyes. 

 “So, Allie and Will...they-“

 “No,” Kelly interrupted, not unkindly, “they’re making up stories about them. I know it. They haven’t even held a trial yet and people are already throwing things at her and Will on the street. I’ve tried to get through to Harry, but it's like...Gordie and I are the only ones who seem to realise something’s up. And...it’s hard to do things alone.” 

 Becca nodded, running a shaky hand through her hair. “You’re not alone,” she said after a moment, voice firm despite her tears. 

 Kelly looked hesitantly up at the girl then. Her hair was slightly unruly, her hands were fidgeting restlessly with the bed sheets and her brown eyes were fixated on the space between them.

 She was beautiful. And maybe it was because of all the recent stress, or her stubborn denial of any sort of attraction towards girls, but Kelly hadn’t fully appreciated it before now. 

 Unfortunately - now happened to be the wrong time. 

 She directed her gaze from Becca to the dull looking hospital environment around her, darkening by the moment as the sun set outside. There were soft snores coming from the bed beside them - Sam had insisted on remaining close to Becca - but apart from that everything seemed eerily quiet in their area.

 She heard a heavy sigh from beside her. “What are we going to do, Kelly?” 

 And looking over at Becca then, Kelly wanted nothing more than to have some sort of definite plan in taking Campbell down. She wanted to tell the girl that everything would okay, that she knew exactly what she was doing. 

 But she didn’t. No one in this town did. They were all a bunch of teenagers that had been forced to grow up within the span of months, and Kelly was no exception. She never would’ve counted on having to know how to insert an IV with no medical training, or having to help deliver a baby. She wished she didn’t have to wing everything, but truthfully, that’s all she’d been doing from the moment everyone in their town vanished.

 These thoughts must’ve shown on her face because Becca’s expression fell slightly. 

 “I don’t know either,” she tried to assure, but her voice seemed strained. “I wish I did.”

 Their eyes met for a moment, and Kelly had to look away before her thoughts could wander too far. Becca looked down at her hands for a moment, seeming hesitant all of a sudden. 

 “You can come sit here,” she murmured, gesturing to the space beside her. 

 So Kelly did. 

 And somehow, feeling the warmth of Becca’s arm pressed up against her own provided her with a sense of comfort she hadn’t even realised she needed so much until then. 

 Becca grabbed the blanket that was pooled at the end of the bed and threw it over them both, leaning her head gently on Kelly’s shoulder. 

 Kelly forgot how to breathe for a moment.

 “We’ll figure it out,” Becca said quietly. “When I get out of here. Which is soon, right?” 

 Kelly laughed a little, looking fondly down at the other girl. “Yes. It’s soon. Tomorrow, even.”

 “Thank god. Taking down a psychopath is so much more entertaining than being stuck in here.” 

 Kelly shook her head at that, unable to keep from smiling. “Dark,” she remarked.

 “Everything about this place is,” came Becca’s response. “Except for Sam, maybe. And you.” 

 Kelly pointedly ignored the way her heart skipped a beat at that.

 “And Eden?” she asked, voice higher than she would’ve liked. 

 “That’s a given,” said Becca with a laugh, sending a glance over to where Eden had fallen asleep in the bassinet beside Sam’s bed.

 Her gaze found Kelly’s again after that, and a soft smile came to her lips. “Thanks, by the way. For everything. I wouldn’t have gotten through any of this without you, and...I know I’ve probably been a bit of a bitch lately.” 

 “It’s fine,” Kelly assured. “You’ve been under a lot of stress.”

 Becca smiled slightly at that. Silence fell for a moment. Kelly took a deep breath. 

 “You know...if Sam can’t help you with Eden for whatever reason, or if sometimes he can’t be with you...I don’t mind helping out.” 

 Becca contemplated the words for a few moments, before breaking out into a smile. 

 “Really? Wouldn’t it be annoying with everything else going on?” 

 “Nothing is too much of a hassle to help you,” Kelly responded, and she really hadn’t meant for those words to sound like a confession but god did they. She spent a few seconds after that having an internal panic, trying not to let it show on her face.

 Becca seemed to notice too, because suddenly she was looking up at Kelly with wide eyes. “...Oh. Well thanks, that’s nice of you. I'll probably need all the help I can get.”

 Silence again. Kelly’s stomach was filled to the brim with obnoxious little butterflies.

 “So...you and Will?” 

 The question seemed slightly out of place given their circumstances, but somehow Kelly couldn’t bring herself to care. It felt like a whole different world inside that darkened hospital room, one far removed from the rest of New Ham.

 “Just friends,” Kelly confirmed. “For a moment I thought there was something there, same with Harry, but for some reason...” she trailed off after that, biting lightly at her bottom lip. 

 She knew it would sound crazy to anyone else, but being this close to Becca somehow seemed to make her inhibitions disappear. Most of them, anyway. 

 “For some reason...?” 

 Kelly let out a breath. “For some reason...I like the idea of guys liking me, but then when actual stuff starts happening I just feel kind of...weirded out. You know? That’s normal, right?” 

 Becca went quiet.

 Kelly continued, more desperate now, “and I guess I just feel like I have to...choose the guys I like...it doesn’t really come naturally. Do you get that too? Or am I just...” 

 Broken. 

 For Kelly’s whole life it had felt like she was incapable of liking anyone. She would always panic and feel as though she never quite felt the same way for her boyfriends as they felt for her, and it’s a thought that had been at the back of her mind constantly over the past few months. 

 “Kelly...I promise you’re not anything like that. Have you maybe considered that you don’t like boys? In that way, at least.”

 Kelly hesitated for a moment, her gaze fixed firmly on her lap. “I have.” 

 Becca looked over at her, clearly expecting something further, but Kelly fell silent again.

 “Okay...well, do you think it could be a possibility?” 

 Kelly bit her lip before giving a fearful little nod.

 Becca shifted slightly, wrapping an arm around the girl’s shoulders. “That’s perfectly fine. You know that, right?” 

 “Yeah...I think so.” 

 Becca nodded, rubbing her thumb in small motions against the fabric of Kelly’s sweater as she thought about what to say. 

 “I um...I like both. If that helps at all. I used to only accept my feelings when they were for guys, but with everything that’s happened, it sort of feels pointless now. I mean - we get to decide what’s normal now, right? Why carry over something as useless as homophobia?” 

 Kelly laughed a little. “That’s true,” she agreed. “If we’re all going to live together then we might as well accept each other.” 

 “Exactly!” 

 There were both smiling now, looking anywhere but one another. Becca retracted her arm, and for a moment Kelly felt disappointed by the loss, but instead, she ended up taking Kelly’s hand and intertwining their fingers. 

 It was just an action - something friends did even, but it felt like more. It felt like a promise. 

 There were unspoken words and feelings there that frankly neither of them were ready to address, but at that moment, this was enough for Kelly. 

 Maybe if they were back home she would be scrolling through Becca’s Instagram with a blinding smile on her face, or working up the courage to talk to her between classes, or, if she somehow managed to work through her feelings, maybe she would even be kissing her. 

 Or maybe things wouldn’t have changed at all, and she would’ve continued dating boys and ignoring the part of her brain that seemed to take notice of Becca whenever it could.

 All Kelly knew was that she was currently sat in some sort of parallel universe, holding hands with a girl she hadn’t been able to keep off her mind for years, and for a fleeting moment things didn’t seem so bad. 

[midoriyaizukustan-inactive]

anyway now that ive been in the fandom for a bit i think its time i called myself out and say that i. Love shiniida

hear me out. neutral good, disaster bi iida with true neutral, functional gay shinsou? we stan.

like just consider for a second. shinsou goes to talk with midoriya to get some closure abt their fight in the sports festival and obv talking to midoriya means having to be near his two besties iida and uraraka

anyway midoriya draws shinsou in like the sun he is and so he ends up kinda friends with iida and uraraka as well. along the line they become full-fledged friends esp when he starts doing extra training w them in addition to the training hes gettin from aizawa so he can “”keep up with you hero course nerds”” (in his own words)

anyway so he starts hangin out with the izucrew more and consequently. iida.

iida is the mom/dad friend (depends on his mood that day which one he is) so he usually organizes some hangouts that r also study groups. and now that shinsou is his friend, iida invites him as well

im thinkin eventually iida and shinsou figure out that iida has a strong suit in math but is weak in language, but shinsou is vice versa, so they decide to arrange extra study sessions so they can get the extra tutoring they feel they need

and finally,,,,the pining™ begins

im honestly not quite sure How they fall for each other or how long it would take buuuuuuut……,.,.

iida would definitely admire shinsou’s drive and determination and i feel he’d be rlly charmed by him once he got passed shinsou’s distant, kinda hostile first impression. like once he got passed shinsou’s kinda defenses and saw the tired, funky dude he is that loves cats and sweaters, iida’s poor bi heart wouldnt stand a chance, not even a second. iida would definitely think shinsou’s love for cats/all things cute is adorable. also i think iida would be exasperated w shinsou’s hair but like in the Fondest Way possible. at first he’s like “shinsou u gotta try to brush ur hair!” and shinsou is like “u can try it wont do anything” and hes right it Doesnt. but eventually the messy style grows on iida and he finds he wants to run his hands thro it,,,also iida at first kinda doesnt get shinsou’s sense of humor but he eventually learns to love it

shinsou on the other hand would be softly disgruntled abt how iida cares for him with what i call the Aggressive Affection. cause iida is just like “shinsou! its past 12 am! i would advise you get some rest now” and he wont stop badgering him until shinsou at least turns off his phone and like “shinsou! i made u breakfast bc u slept in late! u can eat it while we walk to class together!” and hands him some cute lil breakfast thing that keeps shinsou’s hands warm while they walk in the morning air. and at first shinsou is like “bruh” but eventually knowing that iida cares so much makes him feel all warm inside,,,,,, and shinsou Would 100 percent find iida’s chopping motions and general gestures he makes when he talks Adorable As Fuck. and he thinks its sweet that iida cares so much abt helpin him academically as well as heroically

anyway i think shinsou would realize his feelings first bc iida is,,,a disaster,,,and he would freak the fuck out becuz oh shit thats quite the distraction from becoming a hero student

iida notices when shinsou starts to avoid him and he gets really sad :[ and it rlly starts to bother him so he tries asking shinsou what he did wrong but shinsou is always in a flustered panic and its like “OHHH LOOK AT THE TIME GOT,,,GENERAL DEPARTMENT THINGS TO DO,,,,GOTTA GO BYE IIDA” so when asking shinsou doesnt work iida tries to ask his friends if they can think of anything but theyre just as confused as he is bc they didnt even realize shinsou was distancing himself. this just makes iida feel even worse bc that means its Just Him that shinsou’s avoiding so its Clear that he did do smth wrong

eventually he calls tensei abt it and tensei kinda calms him down abt it thank you tensei

meanwhile aizawa is like “what,,,is wrong with my child” bc hes not dumb hes observant as hell and he knows shinsou’s been acting kinda skittish lately esp during training so eventually after training one day aizawa sits him down and is like “im not letting u leave until u tell me why ur so freaked out lately” shinsou tries to fight to escape but aizawa is a Pro Hero and shinsou has only been training for a couple months now so he doesnt make it lmfao rip eventually shinsou gets out that he has a crush (how embarrassing poor guy probably wanted to spontaneously combust when he admitted it) and that he doesnt know what to do with it and aizawa is just like “wow mood”

no but really aizawa calls up mic and is like “hi yes hello ur the distinguished gay in this relationship can u give our dumb son some advice”

so mic swoops in and probably embarrasses shinsou a lil bit but overall shinsou accepts his feelings a little more after the talk so thats Something thanks mic

anyway so this pining goes on for a while longer with iida feeling :[ and shinsou feeling bad but like not knowing what to do dkjfjkf. like after the talk w mic it isnt nearly as bad as it was but shinsou’s still awkward and iida can still tell smth abt their relationship has gotten a little stilted :[ but then the joint training exercise happens and its reveled that shinsou is GOING INTO THE HERO COURSE BABEY!!!!!!!

iida is So Excited that he lifts our boy up and spins him around!!! and shinsou is so FUCKING gay he doesnt know how to function once hes put back on the ground smfh so much for being a functional gay huh shinsou

anyway iida starts apologizing profusely like “im so sorry shinsou my excitement just got the better of me and i hope i didnt make you uncomfortable but im so happy for you-!” and shinsou’s like “im in love with you” iida probably passes out lbr

no but both FREAK OUT over that confession and like its so fucking funny bc it was in front of EVERYONE and aizawa just fucking facepalms bc god why does his dumb kid have to take after him so much smh

anyway EVENTUALLY iida and shinsou calm down and before shinsou can Sprint the Fuck Away, iida is like “i!!!!! love you too!!! not as just a friend!!!” and shinsou hides his face in his mask/capture weapon and iida is just kinda bashfully holding his helmet close to his chest and HHH I LOVE MY BOYS………….

anyway they talk and shinsou is like “yeah so im sorry for being weird this past month and a half its because feelings” and iida is like “OHHHH i thought i did something wrong omg” and so they clear that up w each other and start dating. and they are. Adorable. THE couples’ goals in the izucrew. u wish u were as cute as them

iida reading on the couch w shinsou layin down on him?? iida reading TO him while he’s layin down on him in an attempt to help lull him to sleep??? oh my fucking god. thats so good. shinsou brings snacks to their study dates (and theyre actually iida’s idea of regularly scheduled dates someone help shinsou djkfjk) to make sure that they both actually get some food in them. TRAINING TOGETHER,…,..both get v flustered at first but then they get used to it,,im soft

just….my boys….thank you for your consideration. uhh stan shiniida

[jeballin]

So Close

Pairing: Kim Taehyung x Reader

Summary: Everything was perfect; you had a perfect job, a perfect husband, and you were about to you have a perfect, little baby to complete your family. You were so close.

Genre: Domestic! AU, Angst

Warnings: Miscarriage, Major Character Death

Word Count: 2k

Your eyelids feel heavy, your head is throbbing, and your throat is dry. All you can hear is a strange, continuous noise that rings in your ears like a high-pitched scream in a large, empty room. Your whole body is freezing and burning up at the same time. You feel so odd, but your mind is too hazy to register the fact with any panic. Maybe you’re experiencing sleep paralysis.

With a few more attempts and enough force to tear a groan out of your cracked lips, you lift your eyelids open, immediately flinching at the overhead lights blaring angrily and far too brightly at you. You shut your eyes tightly against the glare, but when your eyes close you don’t get the darkness you wanted. You see more lights— brightly glowing orbs growing bigger and bigger— while a horrible, shrill sound that you can't decipher pierces your ears like an arrow and makes your head pulse. That’s when it all comes back to you, and your eyes fill with fresh, burning tears that drip down your closed lids as you experience the devastation and agony again.

~

“Where on earth are you taking me?” You asked, raising your eyebrow and laughing at your husband’s goofy grin and loving eyes that you adored so dearly. The city landscape you were accustomed to had slowly melted away into gorgeous trees and mountains in a wash of an orange, pink, and red sunset that bled slowly into night.

“Somewhere.” Taehyung answered, not taking his eyes off the road. The smile was so evident in his voice; it was contagious. You rolled your eyes and gestured for his continue. He really was terrible at surprises. The car came to a stop at a red light and he turned to face you, “Somewhere close. That's all I can say, now be patient, love! It's so much better when it's a surprise.” He said, grasping your hand in his. You faked a sad look and pouted out the window. He just chuckled, and your frown broke. It was funny really; you'd been married for nearly a year and yet you were as lovesick as the teenagers you were when you first met. Your other hand trailed over your bulging stomach gently, smiling wistfully. You felt his thumb caressing the back of your hand. Everything was perfect; you had a perfect job, a perfect husband, and you were about to you have a perfect, little baby to complete your family.

You were so close.

You looked up from your pregnant belly to the dark, empty road ahead; the light had turned green and you were on your way to your mystery destination once again. You looked over to Taehyung and he smiled so lovingly at you that you had to look away, blushing.

And there it was.

The lights that rapidly grew bigger and bigger and that sound that grew more and more terrifying. It was too late when you realized the sound was your own scream. It was too late when you saw your car suddenly wrench out of its initial direction under the pressure of the colliding truck before you felt it. It was too late when you felt your head collide with the glass window beside you. You couldn't breathe; your lungs had gone flat. It hurt. You remembered his warm hand limply falling from your own, before you succumbed to darkness.

You were so close...

~

Your ears are still ringing when you hear a door creak open loudly. You lift your eyes weakly, but they stubbornly fall again. Footsteps fall closer to you; they seem as loud as thunder.

“Hello Mrs.—” Your ears ring again, making you wince. “I'm your doctor. How are you feeling?”  You aren’t sure how to answer, so you don’t. He moves toward you to begin an examination, but you stop him. You can’t be patient. You need to know.

“Doctor…” You say quietly, voice cracking from not being used, and you look at him through strained eyes. He looks back at you with a somber expression that gives you a sinking feeling.  

“I understand that this must be overwhelming to you. Do you recall what happened to you and your husband?” He begins, setting his clipboard down. You hesitate briefly before giving a small nod. “Your injuries were not minor, but I am happy to say you will live to see another day.” You remain silent. Who cares about you? Where is he? Where is—? “Your husband…” His eyes are solemn and your vision heavily blurs; you suddenly don’t want him to continue, but he does. “…faced more serious injury. He’s in a coma and is unresponsive. We currently have him in the ICU keeping him supported, but now that you’re awake… we’ll need your decision on further action. We can continue keeping him on support, but the prognosis is not promising. Or, we make sure he is as comfortable as possible.”

Your eyes shut again, you can't face this anymore; you were a fool to think you could.

“Unfortunately, that’s not all…”

Then you remember. You barely lift your hand to your stomach. It’s flat. A scream of anguish rips through you as a wave of tears cascade down your face uncontrollably.

This can’t be happening.

You were so close.

So close…

After a few days riddled with painful rehabilitation, you’re finally able to walk with the help of crutches and strong medication. You’ve been avoiding the wing where your husband is; you tell yourself it’s because you can barely walk as it is, but really you’re just scared. Terrified actually. You don’t want to face it because you know what it will mean. You don’t know if you’re ready yet.

The thought of what you will see brings tears to your eyes, but your feet nonetheless drag you to him. The nurses give you sympathetic glances as you walk past them, but they were merely gray nothings in your faded world. You make it to the door that seals the fate of him. Your husband. Kim Taehyung. Your chest tightens as you twist the knob, bracing yourself for the painful scene you’d be faced with. Yet you are still unprepared.

You see him, barely, on a small hospital bed covered with IVs and respiratory machines and monitors. The only life in this room are the machines. You stumble over to him and collapse by his side, tears welling up in your eyes. He looks so peaceful. So… empty.

You lace your fingers with his and speak. Your voice is hideously cracked and you feel yourself breaking with each moment that passes.

“Hi, Tae,” You say softly, letting out a shaky breath, “I woke up a few days ago. I’m sorry I didn’t come sooner...” You sniffle, “I’m just really scared. I miss you. I need you." Tears roll down your face "Our little one didn't make it,” You whisper, letting out a sob. You say nothing for a while, crying silently and trying desperately to hold yourself from completely falling apart into a thousand, tiny broken pieces, “but now it's your turn, sweetheart. Wake up. Wake up now. I've missed seeing your beautiful smile and hearing your silly jokes. Wake up and tell me everything is okay. Please...wake up.” You can no longer muster a solid voice and trail off with a pitiful whimper. You stare at him, but receive no smile, no laugh, no soothing words.

Your mind makes its decision, but your heart still clings so hopelessly to him. The pain of knowing that no matter what decision you make, you’ll never have him again hits you hard. Sobs wrack your body until you can’t breathe. You want so badly to just end yourself of this pain—then you would be with him. How can you possibly go on like this anyway? But you know better. He would hate it if you did something like that, and he was always right about those things. Your heart finally agrees with your head. Numbly, you stand to shakily to your feet and make your way to the wall adjacent to the love of your life. You slide back to the ground and gripped the cord that held him to this world. It takes more strength than you have at first, but you finally hear the expanded high-pitched sound that is the last goodbye from your Kim Taehyung.

You fall back onto the wall as nurses rush in, quickly stopping when they see you. Their eyes hold pain for you as a handful of them walk slowly to the bed and start to remove the tubes from his hopeless body, some of them placing comforting hands on your shoulder. You try to remind yourself that he isn’t there anymore; that it’s just a shell that’s being rolled out of the hospital room now, but it’s still too much. Unable to bear the sight, you bury your head into your arms and weep. The nurses leave, likely to find help for you, but you don’t even notice. As far as you’re concerned, you’re the only one left in the world.

The darkness in your eyes suddenly turns into a bright, white light. A weak curiosity courses through you as you force your eyes open once more.

Your heart stops.

There in front of you is none other than your beloved husband. He holds that smile that could erase your fears in the hardest of times and those eyes that held more than you’d ever seen. In his arms is a bundle of plush blankets. It’s shrouded in the same bright light that emanated from Taehyung. The sight makes tears well up in your eyes, but you quickly let the tears roll down and wipe them off as best as you can. You want to see every second of him. You don't care if you’ve gone crazy. The Taehyung you know and love is right in front of you.

“Darling, don’t cry. My heart soars at the sound of your beating one. We wish we could still be by your side, but we know you'll make us so proud.” He keeps saying it, but you are too dazed to notice. He kneels down and adjusts the bundle in his arms. “Isn't she beautiful? She looks just like you. C'mon admit it. She's absolutely beautiful, isn't she?” He says affectionately, with a bright laugh. A whimper escapes you.

“She…” You repeat in nothing more than a shocked murmur. It's your unborn baby. Your daughter. A fresh wave of tears greets you and you are speechless.

“Tell her you’ll be okay, sweetheart.” He encourages, looking at you with a soft smile. You try to look at your baby girl, but bright golden rays bounce off of her and your eyes are forced shut. A distant echo of a newborn's giggle fills your ears before darkness falls over the room again, and you are met with the cold silence of loneliness once more. You force your eyes open again, scared, and jerk forward.

“No wait! Come back! Please! Don’t leave me.” You beg desperately, horrifying loneliness sweeping through you.

“Please...” You call out again, voice cracking as you hold yourself tightly.

* * *

You stand in a field of erected slabs of stones all alone. Everyone else had left you to say your final goodbyes. The rain started to sprinkle in a light mist as you stare lifelessly into the polished gray rock in front of you, engraved with the names you thought you would never have to see on it. You want to close your eyes, to leave, but you then remember that moment. His smile. His words. You shake your head to stop the tears, but the effort is in vain. Nonetheless, a soft smile tugs at your lips as hope trickles back into your eyes.

“I’ll be okay.”

[multi-goodness]

Discomfort

I know I said I would have this story done a while ago, but I also didn’t expect this story to end up so long. But it is also well deserved for all my followers who continue to follow me even though I’ve been MIA a lot lately. Enjoy as always!

------------

Sylvie was throwing her hair in a bun when she heard a knock on the door. Being 8 months pregnant meant that she had little energy to do much with her appearance. She figured as long as she didn’t look a mess, she was okay.

She walked to the door, or more wobbled, and she opened the door. She was surprised to find Burgess on the other side. 

They were friends, of course, but the only people who went to her appointment for the baby was Eva, Antonio, or Gabby. Mainly Eva since she wanted her to bond with the baby before she gave birth, however, she had exams this week and knew she couldn’t afford to miss studying. 

Besides, she felt like this may be a gross appointment since they probably would prepared Sylvie for birth and knew nobody wanted to hear that gross details about their stepmother. 

“Hey,” Sylvie said, surprised. “Let me guess, Antonio sent you?” She guessed.

She nodded her head, “Yeah, I’m sorry I know you would rather it be him,” she shrugged her shoulders. “Obviously,” she said a few seconds later.

“No, no, it’s okay. I knew all about this before I dated a detective so I’ll never hold this against him.” She walked inside to grab her purse, keys, and phone. 

As she walked outside, she locked and closed the door behind her. “Is he okay?” She asked, knowing she might not want to know what he was up to, but she was his wife after all. She needed him to be okay.

“Oh yeah, he’s going undercover,” she saw Sylvie’s face and shook her head, “nothing dangerous, I promise. He’ll probably call us before the appointment is even over.”

“Okay, thank you,” she said as she walked over to Burgess’s car. “Not just for letting me know, but for this too. I know this is the last thing you want to do right now.”

“Are you kidding?” Burgess face broke out in a smile, “It’s a baby appointment. It’s way more fun.”

Sylvie laughed and she opened the passenger side. Burgess helped her into the car and she smiled softly at her. As she finally got settled in, she buckled her seatbelt and sent Antonio a quick text.

“Are you ready?” Burgess asked a few seconds later when she got settled inside. Sylvie nodded her head and Burgess pulled away.

“Have you guys thought of any baby’s name yet?” Burgess asked.

She shook her head, “Not really. We’re indecisive right now. But I think once we finally meet the baby, we’ll know for sure.”

“Absolutely. See if the name fits her.” 

Sylvie smiled and she nodded her head. They both settled into an comfortable silence. Her thoughts went to Antonio, hoping that he was okay. She couldn’t wait to see him later and tell him about her appointment.

That was her last thought before everything went blank

-------

“That was an awesome bust,” Antonio said as he rejoined his team an hour later. Thankfully he didn’t have to go undercover for long, he really hated he couldn’t make Sylvie’s appointment. But after everything was counted for, he was planning on going home. 

“Antonio,” Voight said with a seldom look on his face. Antonio looked at the rest of the team, minus Burgess who he asked for a favor, to drive Sylvie to her appointment, who looked like they all got delivered some bad news.

“It wasn’t a good bust, then?” He asked, assuming that’s what was wrong. 

“It’s Sylvie,” Voight said, not being the one to beat around the bushes. 

“What’s wrong?” He asked, looking at everyone, “What?”

“She was---in an accident,” Jay confessed. 

“Come on, let’s take you to the hospital,” Voight said.

“She’s at the hospital?” Antonio asked.

“Not yet....” 

“Where is she?” No one was answering him and he was growing frustrated. “Where is my wife?!” 

“Still at the scene. Come on, I’ll drive you,” he knew Antonio wouldn’t have listened to him to wait at the hospital. 

------

Burgess groaned as she opened her eyes. It was taking forever for her eyes to readjust, to let her know where she was. But as soon as they did, panic set in.

“Sylvie? Sylvie? Oh my god.” 

In the distance, she heard the firefighters sirens and ambulance and thought thank god. 

She turned to her right and saw that Sylvie was unconscious and her head was bleeding. 

Oh god, her own head was killing her. As she raised her hand to her forehead she saw there was a gush on it. But not as big as Sylvie’s. Why was it always the pregnant one who was more injured? She thought.

“Sylvie!” She called out to her. “Hold on! Hold on!” 

She tried to push open her car door, but to no avail. She wasn’t giving up on rescuing Sylvie. This was her partner’s wife and baby in her hands, she had to ignore the pain. She leaned down and took her gun from her waist holster and broke the window using her gun. 

“Ugh,” she groaned as she slid her body out of the window, trying not to get any glass on her.

She ran to the other side, making sure Sylvie was still breathing. She breathed out a sigh of relief. She tried opening her car door but it was stuck. 

“Come on! Come on! Please, come on!” She was so focused on trying to get the door to open that she didn’t notice Severide and the rest of squad coming up. 

“Burgess!” Severide called out, trying to get her attention. “Hey, we got it.”

Hearing his voice knocked her back into reality. “Oh thank god. Please save Sylvie!”

“What?” He asked, not realizing she was trying to save Sylvie. He rushed to the passenger side and gasped. He checked her pulse, “Strong and steady.” He looked over at Burgess. “I need you to stand to the side.”

“No!” She said, stubbornly. “Antonio trusted his family’s lives in my hands so I’m not going anywhere.”

Before they could go back and forth and argue, Sylvie groaned, making them snap their heads in her attention. 

“Oh god, it hurts!” Sylvie screamed in pain.

“Sylvie!” Severide looked over at Sylvie, “we’ll get you out of there soon, just hold on.”

“My head hurts,” she whimpered.

“Just hold on, okay?” He looked over at Burgess, “we’re going to take off the back window, so you climb in there and keep her calm. The only way we can do this fast is if she stays calm, okay?”

She nodded her head, letting herself move to the side so they can work.

“Tony, Capp, break the back window so Burgess can calm down Sylvie.”

A few minutes later, but what felt like an hour to Burgess, they finally took off the back window and helped Burgess climbed through. She placed her hand on Sylvie’s shoulder.

“Hey, it’ll be okay.” She reassured her. 

“Hey, Burgess!” The paramedic called her name to place the neck brace around her neck. “I know this is the last thing you want around your neck but I need to do this, okay?” Burgess said before she placed the neck brace. 

“I want Antonio,” she breathed out. 

“Just take a few deep breaths, it’ll be okay. You’re in good hands.” Not like Burgess needed to tell her that since she was literally being treated by family. But it was all she knew what to say.

“No, no, it won’t.” Sylvie said as she moaned in pain, “it hurts so bad.”

“Hey, we got this,” Burgess said as she looked down at Sylvie and noticed the blood on her pants. Not wanting to freak out Sylvie, she tried to calm her down. “Hey, I think you’re in labor.” She really hoped so anyway. “We need a medic!” Burgess called out from the inside the car.

A few seconds later, a paramedic came over, “What’s up?” He asked.

“She’s in labor.”

“There’s nothing I can do about that until the doors are jarred open. Hold on, she’s going to need fluids.”

“I need drugs!” Sylvie screamed in pain. “This is not how it was supposed to go! It was supposed to be me and Antonio breathing together, getting our baby out together!”

“I know this wasn’t the plan and I am so sorry but we’re in this together, okay? I am not going anywhere until this baby is out.”

She nodded her head, fighting back the tears because of the pain. 

The paramedic gave the needle and the bag to Burgess. “What? No, I can’t do this!” She said in a panic whispered. “I became a cop because I can’t this.”

“Yes, you can. She needs fluids otherwise her and the baby will not make it. You can do this,” he reassured Burgess. 

Burgess sighed and took the IV needle from him. “Fine.” Burgess took Sylvie’s arm as she heard the paramedics orders. “Find the biggest vein her arm,” Burgess was having trouble since Sylvie was dehydrated, “Just look for a blue vein,” she nodded and found one, “Okay, next take the needle and slide it in parallel to her arm towards you.” She took a deep breath and did as she was told. “Now, when you see a flash of blood, you got it.” How ironic she would have to do this, considering Sylvie was also a paramedic, but she was fighting through consciousness and couldn’t help her. “Okay, okay, I’m in.” 

“Okay, now pull out the needle and tape it,” Burgess nodded, that was probably the easiest step. “Hook up the tubing,” she nodded and was relieved when it was done. “All you have to do now is squeeze the bag.” She held the bag to her shoulders and gave it a tight squeeze. She was happy when she saw Sylvie opened her eyes once again.

“I’m almost there,” Kelly said.

“Please hurry,” she whimpered in pain.

“It’s okay, just breathe,” Burgess said, squeezing her shoulder.

“I’m a detective and that’s my wife in the car!” Burgess heard Antonio’s voice and smiled slightly.

“Sylvie, Antonio is here.”

“He is?” She then called out his name. “Antonio?”

“I’m here baby,” he said, standing by the back window. “Severide is going to get you out.”

“Burgess, you need to get out so we can get her out,” Severide said and Burgess nodded her again, getting ready to exit the vehicle.

“No no, Burgess. Don’t leave me.” Sylvie said, grabbing her hand with tears in her eyes.

“I won’t. It’s okay, I’ll be right over here.” She pointed to the back of the car. “We got you.”

As Burgess got out of the back window, Antonio helped her to her feet, “What happened?” He asked with panic in his eyes.

“I don’t really remember,” she said honestly. “All I remember is we were talking about the baby and then we fell into a comfortable silence, you know, I think she was nervous about the appointment. And then I see lights coming out of nowhere and I couldn’t---I couldn’t get out of the way. I’m sorry.”

“Hey, this is not your fault, okay?” He said resting his hands on her shoulders. “I’ll get someone to pull the cameras and to see what happened.”

“I’ll go look for it,” Burgess suggested but they were interrupted by the loud noise.

After a few long minutes, the noise cut and the firefighters were getting ready to placed Sylvie on the backboard.

“No, Burgess, you can’t. You need to go to the hospital and get yourself checked out. You’re hurt, too.” He said, eyeing the cut on her head.

“I’m fine, I’m just worried about Sylvie,” Burgess replied.

“And that may have kept you from passing out,” Antonio fired back.

Before Burgess could say something back, although they both knew he was right, they heard Sylvie calling for Antonio.

“Antonio?” Severide called out this time. He run over and was relieved to see that Sylvie was okay for the most part. She was placed on the stretcher as Kelly told her they’ll be by the hospital later to visit her.

Antonio grabbed his wife’s hand and squeezed it tightly. The paramedics started checking on Sylvie and the baby, she started crying.

“It hurts, Antonio, it hurts,” she whimpered, trying to hold back the tears but it was no use.

“I know, baby. But we’ll be at the hospital soon,” he promised.

The paramedics started running with the stretcher with Antonio running with them. As they loaded Sylvie in the back of the ambulance, Antonio climbed inside and rejoined the hand he was holding previously.

“Shh, it’s okay.” He said, hoping to keep her calm down.

“No, no, it isn’t,” she said, shaking her head. “Our baby is coming.”

Antonio looked at the medic that was hooking Sylvie up to machines. “Let me look,” he instructed.

He gasp a second later, “Yeah, we aren’t going to make it to the hospital. Your baby is coming now.”

“I know!” Sylvie said, scared out of her mind.

“You got this, baby.” He said as he placed a kiss on her forehead. 

“No---No. I-- I can’t,” Sylvie said, shaking her head. “You gotta keep this baby inside, please. What if---what if something goes wrong? I won’t lose the baby, not after everything we’ve been through today.”

“Hey, no, the baby will be fine, you will be fine. But the baby wants to come out now.”

“No!” Sylvie said, tears streaming down her face. “It wasn’t supposed to happen like this.”

“I know and I wish it could happen the way we planned it, but I know you can do this, baby.”

Sylvie breathed in and out and then nodded her head, “Okay. Okay. I’m ready.”

Antonio moved behind her and pushed her shoulders to lift her up. He bent his knees on the bed to give her more support. 

“Push,” the medic said.

As Sylvie felt her contractions, she started pushing. “Ahh!” She screamed in pain. Between her head and the labor, she was already exhausted but knew she couldn’t  give up now.

“You’re doing a great job,” Antonio said, encouraging her before she had to push again.

She breathed in and out before another contraction came and pushed again, this time harder. She just wanted this to be over with and for her baby to be okay.

“Okay, just one more big push,” the medic instructed.

Antonio held onto her shoulders as she pushed again, but this time, the push was enough for the baby to make an entrance. And as soon as she did, she started crying.

“Aww,” Sylvie said smiling and giggling at the same time. “She’s already a Dawson with those loud lungs.”

“Hey,” Antonio said, and then smiled at his baby girl, “You did such a good job, baby.”

As the medic was cleaning up the baby for them, she turned her head to look at Antonio, “Can you call the kids and tell them to meet us at the hospital?”

He nodded his head, “Absolutely.”

A few seconds later, the medic placed the baby on Sylvie’s chest. She was still covered in a little bit of blood but Sylvie didn’t care. She had her baby so she was content.

Antonio leaned down and kissed her forehead and then kissed the baby’s head. His eyes were glued on the baby so he didn’t notice when Sylvie closed her eyes until the machines started going off.

She laid there limp while the baby was on her chest so he grabbed the baby before she fell from her arms. “What’s happening?”

The medic wasn’t saying anything, all he was doing was reaching for an oxygen mask and placed it over her face. 

“What is happening to my wife?” The baby sensing Antonio’s fear and was crying against his chest. He took off his jacket and wrapped it around her for warmth. 

“Her pressure bottomed out,” he said without saying anything else.

But a few seconds later, the medic screamed to his partner, “You better get us to the hospital in two minutes or we’re going to lose her.”

“No! You’ve gotta save her. Please,” Antonio said, tears welling in his eyes. “Please,” he said this time desperately. 

“Please save my wife...” His voice drifted off.

The next few minutes, everything happened so fast. Antonio kept whispering, begging them to save his wife’s life, while also trying to keep his baby girl warm and also calm. Their voices sounded far away when they got to the hospital and got Sylvie out of the ambulance. They were rattled off information about her that he wasn’t sure what it was since it was medical words. He didn’t even remember stepping off the ambo himself, or getting into the hospital. All he remembered was when a nurse tried to grab his daughter from him.

“Huh?” The voices started coming back to him and didn’t sound far away.

“Can we check and make sure she’s okay?” They asked.

“Oh, yeah. Thank you.” He let them take the baby, making sure she was okay.

“She’s beautiful,” the nurse complimented.

He nodded his head and remembered saying a thanks before he rushed off to check in on Sylvie. He saw that Natalie and Will working on her and then the nurse closing the door when he came all the way towards the door. 

He felt like he was pacing back and forth towards the room for hours, which only was a few minutes. If he wasn’t just a detective and also a father and husband who witnessed what he did tonight, he was sure they were going to yell at them.

Finally, Natalie stepped out and called out his name, “Antonio?”

He stepped in his tracks and walked closer to the room, “Please tell me she’s okay.”

“She’s okay. Between her injuries and the blood loss during the delivery, her body went through a shock but she’s good now.”

“Thank you. Can I----can I see her?” He asked.

She nodded her head, “We’re going to transferred her to the maternity floor when a room becomes available. And when the nurses are done with your baby girl, we’ll bring her to you guys.”

“Thank you,” he said and he walked into her room and headed towards her. “Don’t ever scare me like that again.”

Sylvie smiled slightly and nodded her head. “Come here.”

He walked over to her and sat on the chair next to the bed. He set his head down on the bed, collecting his emotions. For the last 4 hours, he thought he was going to lose his wife and baby.

Sylvie ran her hands through his hair and smiled, “We’re going to need a name for our baby girl.”

He nodded his head and lifted his head, “But can we discuss that later?”

She nodded her head, “Of course.” She smiled but then her smiled faded when she looked at the look in his eyes. “Hey, whatever is on your mind, tell me.”

“I thought I lost you,” he shook his head and then he lifted her hand into his. “Thank you for coming back to me.”

“Always,” she said as she stroked her thumb in the side of his hand. “Hey, is Burgess okay?” 

He nodded his head, “she should be here somewhere. I told her to come get checked out.”

Before Sylvie could respond, the nurses came in to move Sylvie to the maternity ward.

-----

A few hours later, Sylvie was sitting up in bed and holding their baby girl in her arms. 

“I delivered her but she looks nothing like me. She’s all you, which is a wonderful thing.” Sylvie said as she smiled, in awe of her daughter.

“That’s not true. She has your eyes,” he pointed out.

“Isn’t all babies born with blue eyes?”

He shrugged his shoulders, “I’m not sure, but I bet she keeps hers.”

“I love her hair,” Sylvie said as she ran her fingers through her hair. “I just hate that she wasn’t born in a hospital.”

“She just proved to us that she’s like her mother in the best way, she’s a fighter,” he said, smiling at Sylvie. 

Before Sylvie could respond, Antonio got a chimed on his phone, “The whole family is in the waiting room.”

“I don’t think I’m ready for all that. My head is pounding, but you can take her down to meet her big family,” she smiled down at her baby girl sleeping in her arms. “I do want to see Burgess though. I need to thank her.”

Antonio wasn’t going to argue with his wife; especially right now. Whatever she wanted, she would get. He nodded his head as he stood up and took the baby out of her arms. “I won’t be long,” he promised, knowing he couldn’t stay far away from Sylvie for too long right now.

------

Antonio walked into the waiting room with the baby in his arms, but before he let anyone grabbed her, he wanted Burgess to see her first. “I don’t know how I can thank you.”

“That’s what partners are for,” Burgess said, shrugging her shoulders. Her head was bandaged and so were her arm. She didn’t noticed she cut her arm from climbing out of the car but the doctor told her she was lucky she didn’t sustain anymore injuries and discharged her. “How is Sylvie?”

“She’s resting, she sends her love,” he said to Burgess and to the entire waiting room. “Although she isn’t up for a lot of company, she does want to see you,” he said to Burgess.

“Oh, okay,” she said and she walked away, heading towards Sylvie’s room.

“I’m so sorry dad, I should have been there for Sylvie,” Eva said, immediately feeling remorse. 

“This is not your fault. I’m glad you weren’t.” Just worrying about Sylvie and their baby was enough worry for him. “Say hi to your baby sister,” Antonio smiled widely as Diego and Eva cooed over their baby sister.

--------

Antonio returned to the room a little while later after everyone had their chance with the baby. 

“Is she hungry?” A groggily Sylvie asked.

“I think so,” he said as he handed Sylvie the baby and watched as she cradled the baby against her.

“So, I was thinking of the name Juliette? That way she can be named after your partner but also have a name of her own?” She suggested.

“I like it,” he said, smiling.

“And I don’t think she was hungry,” she said, looking down at her sleeping daughter on her chest.

“She must have been so scared,” Antonio muttered. 

“Come here,” Sylvie said as she moved over to let Antonio in the bed with her.

He smiled and he climbed into bed next to her and wrapped his arm around her while his finger stroked his daughter’s cheek. “I love you both so much,” he whispered as his eyes closed.

“We love you too, so much,” she said, her eyes already closed and simply exhausted from the trauma her body experienced today. 

[another-anxious-elphie]

Elphie’s Emotion Hour

My Facebook isn’t the proper place for this rant but I need to let all this out (and hey isn’t that why I got back on Tumblr anyway?)

I’m not gonna reread or edit this so sorry.

Also I’m sorry for clogging the tags with this post. I tagged it for my personal records so if you’re in the fandom I’m sorry just keep scrolling...

Long Personal Rant Ahead ft. Penny Dreadful

Before we start, I want to note that a lot of this sounds crazy. I speak of fandoms as if they were totally real. The reason I do this is because they represent things that are very real in my life that I have no other way to put a name/face to. I promise y’all that I’m sane. I know what is reality and what is not, but talking about these things by using fiction-ary worlds/terms is incredibly helpful. 

Also ~~** I have not yet seen season 3 - spoil nothing **~~

And on to the point:

When I started watching the show it was scary to me. Not because it’s essentially a horror show, but I felt very dirty/nasty/vile for watching it. I don’t like to talk about my religion much, especially on places like Tumblr, because I know it will make some people distrust me, but when I started Penny Dreadful, it felt awful because the darkness of the show in relation specifically to religion and God/Satan.  But I’m in the Miss Peregrine’s [etc etc] fandom at the moment and I point-blank watched because of Eva. After being completely unsure about Vanessa - if I was even “allowed” (I use this term VERY loosely - I do not feel chained by my religion in any way) to like her -  after watching season 2 I can now say with every confidence I love her. 

As a proud Hufflepuff, I usually hate when my Ravenclaw side shows. While I know I am a Hufflepuff because I “choose” to be like Harry chose Gryffindor, I could and often do end up coming out as a Ravenclaw on paper. I know my heart and my soul belong in Hufflepuff and that the sorting hat takes this into account in a way no quiz/test/even human can do. Why talk about this? Because I have never had a Ravenclaw role model like Vanessa. i have never particularly gotten along with Ravenclaws in general. She is the first time I have known a Ravenclaw and not found them to be either unfeeling or full of themselves. It might not seem like a huge deal considering I identify as Hufflepuff, but having a Ravenclaw to look up to like  Vanessa is one of the most fucking comforting things I have experienced in a long time. 

Vanessa’s faith has also just fucking ended me. Last time I felt such a deep connection with God was when I studied Buddhism in college. The more I think or talk about religion of any kind, the more I believe in my God and His plans and His power and His love. Vanessa has literally faced the devil and won in the name of her God. This woman is ruthlessly hunted and possessed by the devil, surrounds herself with dark, unholy things on a regular basis, and regularly claims she believes her relationship with God has long since broken. But He never left her. And she - though she denies it - still believes in Him. He gave her the will to fight. He created her to be so strong that she can withstand even the most brutal attacks. Her spirit is more often under fire than her physical body, and He built her like a fucking panic room. 

She shows and feels kindness so deeply as well. She literally collected a gang of people willing to die to protect her just by existing and being honest with those around her. Which frankly is a thing I truly, truly hope I do. She never asks anything of them. Often she demands they do nothing. But the love they have built is also made to withstand anything and everything. 

And, on the incredibly basic level, I can identify with Vanessa not knowing how to find her place and the suffering that takes place in the wandering. Absolutely not the same way as Vanessa - not even CLOSE - but on that, again, basic way that all writers hope to achieve. You always want your characters to be relatable and human, and honestly you totally got me with Vanessa. Her struggle to constantly run from Satan is an echo of my struggle with depression. She’s tired of running. She just wants peace and friendship and safety. She will never be able to stop running. She is so young and has SO many years a head of her to fight this battle all the way. I’ve been having a very rough time lately with that part of my depression/anxiety.What I have will never go away. The rest of my whole life will be this roller coaster of ups and downs. Even in times of great content I will always be right balancing right on the edge of the next breakdown. All the love in the world can’t keep it away. Life will always be consistent  battles and the battles always suck. But fuck Vanessa owns that. 

I know I am strong. I’ve gotta be if i’m still here. I’ve gotta be because I don’t bury the truth, I face it. I made the decision a long time ago that understanding all this shit is stronger than pretending it’s not there. It hurts more, knowing that I’m forever “sick” with something that shouldn’t even be a sickness (a sickness is something that physically kills you or rots you, not an emotion). 

And I just really hope I can be as strong as Vanessa. 

Vanessa means a lot to me. 

And I don’t know if that’s because I’m going through a hard time rn or what, but I just love Vanessa Ives so fucking much. 

[maylovexhs]

GUILTY(H.S) - Chapter 11

Author’s Note: Long time no post. Anyways, its a special chapter. Enjoy loves! xxx M

Guilty Masterlist

Masterlist

January 21, 2017

“Mel, the doctor said you should be on bed rest” Dex said behind me as I walked around the apartment.

“She also said to walk around so I can dilate faster” I argued.

“We don’t want you to bleed again” Dex added.

“A little bit of blood in my discharge is okay at this time. I only bled that much because we didn’t have sex in a while” I defended.

“Your contractions are more intense. It’s better to have one laying down” Dex said.

I turned around to him.

“Dex, I told you that I feel alright. “Walking around eases my abdominal pain” I explained.

“Not when the doctor tells you to” Dex said, looking like he was done with my stubbornness. 

I walked to the couch and sat on it.

“Happy?” I asked, faking a smile at him.

“Yes” Dex said, taking a seat to the right of me.

I looked to the clock. 10:46 AM.

“Ten minutes” I stated.

“Till another contraction?” Dex asked.

“Yup” I answered. “When did I have the last one?”

“About twenty minutes ago. You sure you don’t want to go to the hospital yet?” Dex asked me again.

“As long it’s not every seven minutes” I said.

“I’m taking you at fifteen” Dex stated.

“Dex, the book says th-“

I felt my lower region of my abdominal tighten. I leaned back on the couch bringing my knees up to my chest. I wrapped my arms around my knees, trying to clench away the pain. Dex moves closer to me. I felt his hand circle up and down my back.

“In and out” Dex stated. “Breathe”

I tried to maintain a steady breath by myself. It was no help. I couldn’t manage to count with this pain. Dex

“In” Dex said.

I inhaled.

“Out” He said.

I exhaled. I followed what he said for the next couple of minutes as my contraction lessen. Once some of the pain went away I set my legs down.

“About twenty minutes” Dex stated. “You’re still sure you don’t want to go to the hospital?”

The contractions keep on getting shorter and worse. I didn’t really have anymore options left unless I wanted to give birth at home.

I sighed. I rested my forehead on my hand. I looked away from Dex.

“Get the baby bag” I said.

5:48 PM

“I FUCKING HATE YOU” I cried out, screaming at Dex as I felt another contraction race through my body. “WHY THE HELL DIDN’T YOU PULL OUT?”

“Sorry, Mel” Dex said rubbing my back again. “I’ll try not to next time”

“DON’T TOUCH ME!” I yelled moving away from him.

“Sorry I’m late!” I heard my mother say as she walked into the room. “They didn’t give you epidural yet?” She asked.

“We’re waiting till she’s five minutes in. She’s seven so far” Dex explained.

“How much is she dilated?” My mother asked.

“SEVEN!” I screamed out, leaning forward.

“Good news is that her water broke” Dex stated.

“SHUT UP!” I shouted at them. “BEING IN PAIN ISN’T WONDERFUL”

“I’ll get the doctor” Dex said, getting up from the chair and walking out of the hospital room.

My mother sat down where Dex sat.

“You really could have picked a more supportive man” My mom complained. “You two aren’t married yet”

“Like you?” I asked her. “Where have you been for the past six months?”

“I didn’t come to fight with you and I’m trying to fix that” She responded.

“What do we have here?” We heard Dr. Lane say.

She walked into the hospital room with Dex and a nurse behind her.

“I’m dying” I said.

“It does feel like that, doesn’t it?” Dr. Lane asked me. “Lean back. Let’s see if you dilated more”

I slowly leaned back, laying my head on the white pillows. I separated my legs for Dr. Lane to check my dilation.

“Eight!” She said. “I think this is a good time for an epidural”

“Please” Dex and I said at the same time.

“Natasha, can you give her the epidural?” Dr. Lane asked, looking to the nurse who I presumed was Natasha.

“Yeah” Natasha said in a Russian accent.

Dr. Lane and Natasha walked out of the hospital room. Natasha came back with a tray in one hand. Her other hand was holding a plastic bag that looked like epidural in it.

“It will sting a little” She warned.

“Whatever to take the pain away” I said.

Natasha came to my side. She slipped the epidural bag onto my IV fluids rack. I looked away from her. I moved my hair in front of my shoulders.

“Sit up. Arch your back” Natasha ordered.

I did so, following her instructions. I felt a pinch in my lower back.

“It’s in” Natasha said. “If you want to lay down, lay on your side”

“Thanks” I said, still feeling pain.

“Takes up to half an hour to kick in” Natasha said. “Do you need anything else?”

“For the baby to come out”

8:14 PM

“Nine and a half!” Dr. Lane said checking my dilation as I managed still to lay on my side. “Do you feel an urge to push?”

“Not much. Is it normal to feel it with an epidural?” I asked her.

“Absolutely. In fact, most women don’t have feel pressure with the epidural” Dr. Lane answered.

“How will I know when to push?” I asked, feeling almost numb.

“Based on how you’re feeling now, you will probably feel your baby’s head go down” She said. “Speaking of that, it’s very close to happening”

Dr. Lane looked to Dex.

“It’s a good time to change into scrubs” Dr. Lane suggested to Dex.

Dr. Lane looked to my mom.

“Does mother want to change too?” She asked.

“I’ll just hold her hand” My mom answered.

“Wait!” I said. “I’m actually giving birth? Like now?”

I started to panic. I read in the books that you feel nothing with epidural but they tell you nothing about the anxiety you feel and how scary the situation feels like. I felt powerless. I had no control. I wanted to escape, escape from my body.

“Most women decide to give birth when they are at ten centimeters. Amelia, I can assure you that you are in good hands” Dr. Lane promised.

“Hey” Dex said taking my hand and holding it. “You can do this, Mel”

“No, I can’t” I said, feeling sweat fall trail down the side of my face. “I’m weak. Somethings going to go wrong. I just feel it”

Dex looked into my eyes.

“Yes, you can. He said. “Mel, you’re the strongest person I know. You have no idea how strong and powerful you are to me. I believe in you”

“You do?” I asked a bit shaky.

“I always have. What matters is that we are having a baby. Everything else is the hospitals job. You can do this, Amelia”

I can do this. I can do this.

“Okay . . .” I said. “Let’s do this”

9:24 PM

“We need a very big push” Dr. Lane said.

Time had no measure. Neither did pain. All I know was that I felt like I was dying.

I held onto my mother’s and Dex’s hands as tight as possible, pushing with all of the strength I had. I let out a whimper as I pushed. I heard the sound of a baby crying. My baby. Dex let go of my hand, going to see her.

“Good” My mother encouraged me.

“I can grab her out, if you want” Dr. Lane asked.

“Do it” I muttered.

I felt less pressure in my lower body as Dr. Lane grabbed her slowly out.

“And here she is!” Dr. Lane said, holding her up to show me. “Baby girl Ulrich”

Dex came back to my side, kissing my head.

“I love you” Dex said.

Dex walked back to Dr. Lane watching over the baby.

“Is she okay?” I asked feeling dead.

I licked my lips.

“They’re cleaning here. It’s okay, honey” My Mom said letting go of my hand.

“Skin to skin” One of the midwifes said.

I saw a nurse carry her across the room to room. She placed my baby on my chest. I looked down to her.

She was beautiful. Everything I could have dreamt of. Everything I never dreamt of. I couldn’t believe she was here. Actually here, and not inside of me. I felt myself tear up. They were happy tears. The most happiest tears I had in my whole life.

“You did it” I heard Dex say.

I looked up and saw a tearful Dex. “We did it” Dex said. “We . .”

Author’s Note: Ooooooh Baby, baby. I wonder if Harry is going to be the godfather. Requests are always open

[goldenkiva]

unfiltered rambling (this is a (long) vent post; cw for some irl death mentions, sui and self harm mention (nothing in reality), bad mental health time, all that jazz

well it’s 7:30 am and ive been awake since 4 am. which is an improvement really. i slept at 12:30am ish, in contrast to constantly sleeping at 8 am or later the past month or so. and it’s been taking a very bad toll on me lately mentally. everything has been building up and probably toyin’s death (yes the one who was found dead, we were classmates in middle/high school...) was my breaking point as i had a very bad panic attack a few days after. that lasted a good 22 hours before i fully calmed down. it always takes me 5-9 hours to calm down from anxiety or trauma related bad times as i have no real coping mechanisms and i will just literally do nothing but stay huddled up in bed until the unbearable feeling goes away. but that one. was just really bad. i think i also accidentally upset one of my best friends before that which also attributed to it (we’re fine now.) it’s been a bit since i had that panic attack but i still feel so bad all the time. sometimes i joke about wataru giving me chest pain bc i love him so much but i feel like i havent experienced physical emotion in so long i just want to feel it even if it’s painful. i dont self harm so dw about that btw. but i rarely shed even a single tear anymore when ive always been a total cry baby. i only cry full on tears and sobs now when im being over stimulated during a conversation. i just genuinely want to feel physically excited or happy or sad or whatever. i want to feel physical emotion again and not just numbness with an occasional laff or on the verge of getting watery eyes but not even real crying or whatever. 

i also had to get a new phone bc my dumb clumsy self dropped my phone flat on the screen a second time and it was unrepairable which makes me sad bc i only had this phone for two years and it still ran perfectly well. i wanted to keep it for 3-4 years at least...i got a new one ordered yesterday and im splitting price with my dad n i just feel bad i had to get a new one at all bc because of covid and shit my parents are only getting half the usual business and we already dont make a ton. thankfully my parents and sister are the type to not spend recklessly in general (i am prob the biggest spender...) but that wont stop my dumb of ass generalized anxiety disorder from making me worry about bankruptcy or poverty or some other extreme. i hate it bc i cant do anything about these thoughts except just what feels like sitting in mud and i slowly sink in. i wish i was an artist with more clout because i desperately want to be have consistent (or any) income. even before covid i always feel bad about not having a job. ik it’s hard to balance school and work anyway so it’s fine if im not working but it sucks. american college is a scam. at least i didnt go to an art school. (well. i am in art program in college. but not going to an arts dedicated school like ringling. which is significantly more expensive. if i went to art school id be significantly more likely to end up in very heavy debt) but i hate having gad. i hate not having any real coping mechanisms. i feel frustrated and a little annoyed when i asked about coping mechanisms for my anxiety with my therapist she just told me breathing exercises. which ig can be valuable but ik in my heart this wont help me at all. perhaps it’s un-dx’d adhd with rsd making me feel that way that makes me refuse to even want to do them. all my medical and health issues are also a contribution to my gad and financial terrors. sometimes it makes me wanna die but i wont do that. bc my friends and family would genuinely be very heartbroken if i were to suddenly be gone especially if by my own hand. i wouldnt want anyone to blame themselves either...

the only things genuinely making me feel anything lately is wataru and buck tick. it almost makes me a little upset how little amount of things make me happy or even feel anything rn. im reading a tragedy visual novel rn (which is very good and well written and i generally like tragedies and i find them indulgent) that i am enjoying very much yet i feel barley anything while reading it. i immensely miss the buck tick concert streams so bad. watching them over the month and half they streamed every saturday morning really put how much they love making music and performing in a brand new light to me, and watching that last concert bestias locus solus was just. so amazing. i dont know how to talk about it other than i was genuinely touched. they went all out playing at that concert stage bc it was their first time performing there (at the time in their 31 year career, 33 this year) and the unplugged performances and sakura especially got me so hard. im not good with words so im not doing a good job at all expressing how much that concert (along with the day in question 2017) made me feel. i miss it. i want to buy the dvds so bad but theyre so expensive and now is not a time for reckless spending. but one day i will attain them and experience the happiness they bring me again. im sad my friends arent rly into them the same degree i am but ig it really is such a personalized feeling. i was already in a state of dread and depression when i got into the band. but im still glad my other friends enjoy them and tell me they enjoy their music. their stuff slaps. theyre just an amazing band. a band not restricted by genre. a band who makes music because they love it and love performing and love their fans and dont get warped in the ideas of fame or fortune, and are fully okay with being normal people...a band with the same line up since their pro debut in 1989 because the members all love and care about each other so much. theyre still going strong in their mid to late 50s as they were in their late teens. they make me so happy...

well it’s 8 am now and if youve read this whole thing, thanks i guess? that sounds rude, but im just kinda sittin in the mud. im still in the midst of cleaning my room. i am not someone to recklessly hurt myself or anything like that so dont worry about that. i’ll be fine. probably. if you wanna listen to buck tick heres their spotify :) i recommend their albums atom miraiha no. 09, no.0 (especially the live performance version), kuratta taiyo, darker than darkness style 1993, aku no hana, and their kemonotachi no yoru/rondo double single. they slap so good. also spotify is missing literally like 15 years worth of their music from the 00s-10s. you can find downloads online though. theyre also releasing a new single in august im very excited for it. also, the singer of the band (atsushi sakurai) did a collab with sheena ringo where he sung the bg vocals of her song elopers, which was also made in sakurai’s image and she got it really dead set on tbqh. sheena ringo loves bt so yall should too :)

[zoeygreensimblr]

Wonderland (Episode 17)

"Zoey?"

"Hmm?"

"Zo, I'm going for a run and then to work"

"But it's dark and cold" I can feel myself leaving sleep behind and becoming more aware of where I am and who is talking to me.

"It won't be cold once I get going and I'm going to watch the sun rise" Angus informs me, "Do you want to come?" He asks in all seriousness, I open my eyes and can just make out the shape of him crouched down beside the bed. I pause for a moment, taking in what he's asking of me, Zoey Green, up until a month ago, was not one to run but since joining the gym I can now keep a steady pace.

"Are you going to go fast" I'm concerned I won't keep up or I'll slow him down.

"I'll go at a Zoey pace" He promises, I can hear the satisfaction in his voice that he has won me over. I throw back the blankets and climb out of bed, still somewhat groggy from waking up so early.

"What time is it anyway?" I ask hm out of curiosity, more so that I can tell Tess, for once, I was awake before she was.

"5:20" He laughs and I sluggishly change into my work out clothes

"I'd only do this for you Theodore and only because I'll miss you while you're at work" I tell him

"I appreciate it baby, I'll owe you" He kisses my forehead and we leave the apartment and head out into the cold, dark morning in San Myshuno.

We ran at a moderate pace from outside the apartment all the way up to Myshuno Meadows where we stopped to watch to sun starting to rise over the ocean, it was a beautiful, breath taking sight and I'm so grateful that Angus woke me up to witness it. He wraps his giant arms around me to keep me warm and whispers in my ear, "Thank you Zoey".

"For what?" I ask him confused

"For sharing this with me today, stepping into my world, I know I stole your sleep in and you can go back to sleep once we get back to the apartment or you could come hang out with at work today?" He knows he'll miss me too

"Are you going to make me work out all day with you?" Ugh, I couldn't imagine anything worse.

"No baby, I only have one session this afternoon and that's with You, Tess and the others, I'm just there today to do paperwork, boring stuff but with you there it won't be boring"He tells me and gives me a wink and that cheeky smile.

"Do you coach many classes there?" I ask, only just realising that I've never paid attention to how much he actually does at the gym

"I run the boxersise class on Monday and Tuesday afternoons, Wednesday morning I have body burn class which is basically a lot of working with weights, squats and floor work and then I do a bit of personal training occasionally but try to avoid it now. My plate is full though with running the place, dealing with staff and payroll but I love being my own boss" He explains and I look at him confused

"So why did you take on Tess and I then if you don't like doing it?" I ask him

"To be close to you Zoey" He answers, smile spread across his face, "I could of let Claudia or Justin take you on but I wanted you all to myself, even if that meant I took on your sister who never stops talking too" He laughs

"You like Tess, don't act like you don't, I see how you both like to stir each other" I remind him

"I do like Tess now, I didn't when I first met you both though I must admit" He confesses

"Why?" I ask, Ive never known anyone who doesn't like Tess, even when she's in a bad mood she's still fun to be around.

"I thought she was being mean to you, making fun of your social awkwardness and I didn't like it but when I spoke to her later that night I saw how she really is, she only wants the best for you and she pushes you out of your comfort zone not to laugh at you but to broaden your horizons. It was only that first time I met her that I didn't like her but I got her all wrong, now I find her to be hilarious and I enjoy making fun of her because she gives me the same shit back. I really looking forward to her coming in for work experience too, I've just gotta find something that will keep her busy for a week coz I know she gets bored easily" He explains

"She's really great at painting, she takes Graphic Art as an elective, if you need her to paint you a mural or even to paint your bland office" I laugh at the thought of Tess getting to paint those bland walls, she would love that.

"That's not a bad idea actually" He says taking it on board.

We walked all the way back to the apartment, taking our time, I showered and changed into casual clothes, Angus said to leave my gym clothes for Joanna to wash and just come back that afternoon for them.

"Can I borrow a book to read today?" I ask him, I had been browsing his collection of novels for a while now

"Of course you can Zoey, you don't have to ask" He tells me and I run off to pick one to take with me today, I choose 'Seduction by the Sea' and we set out for the gym.

"How are you going to explain to your staff that I'm there today" I ask Angus, considering it was him that wanted to keep it under cover at work so it didn't cause trouble.

"I'm going to be honest with them, I know I set the rule of no fraternising with clients and I should be setting a good example but I don't want to hide you Zoey" He explains and I take his hand as we enter the gym together, Annabelle is seated at the reception desk.

"Morning Gus, I have 3 messages for you" She greets him, "Hey Zoey, please tell me he's not forcing you to spend the day here?" She laughs

"He's not forcing me Annabelle" I assure her as Angus reads through the messages she's handed him.

"Zoey, do you wanna stay with Annabelle while I just quickly return a phone call?" He asks me

"Sure" I reply and I take a seat next to Annabelle as Angus walks off to his office.

"Annabelle can I ask something and we just keep it between us" I can hear the quiver in my voice and I'm hoping I can trust Annabelle if I open up

"Of course Zoey, what's up?" She assures me

"Was one of the messages from Steph?" I ask, nervous as hell, she takes a long pause before answering.

"What makes you ask that Zoey" There panic in her voice, like she's holding onto information but if she shares it then she's afraid Angus will get angry

"She called him yesterday when we were having breakfast and I know it's not the first time either. Angus doesn't know that I know and I'm not going to bring it up unless I have a reason to worry" I explain, I can see Annabelle relax a bit, like she knows I won't betray her if she tells me the truth.

"She called here this morning, she said he wasn't answering his phone, I'm guessing because he was with you." She confirms, "I don't know why she's calling though, she won't tell me but I know they have been talking a bit lately"

"Should I be worried?" I ask her, panic in my voice

"I know Angus, he's good guy who is there for everyone but he wouldn't stray. I'm sure it's nothing to worry about Zo, he loves you" She assures me

"Worry about what?" Angus asks as he comes walking up behind us, Annabelle and I exchange looks

"Umm worried about having never flown before, I told Annabelle that I'm a little scared to fly and she was reassuring me that we will be fine" I lie to him and I don't feel good about it but I also don't feel good that he's having secret phone calls with Steph either. I am afraid to fly so it's not a full lie.

"You didn't tell me you were afraid to fly baby" He hugs me tightly

"I didn't want you to think I didn't want to go" I tell him

"Annabelle is right, you have nothing to worry about, I've flown heaps, I love it and I'll be there the whole time" Angus comforts me

"See Zoey, I don't think you have anything to worry about" Annabelle says and we both know she's referring to Angus with Steph, I just hope she's right.

"Annabelle I'm going to work up in the cafe today, apparently my office is too bland for Miss Green" He laughs

"Ok, I'll forward calls to your mobile then" Annabelle says in her professional tone but drops it when she talks to me "Come visit me again today Zoey, you make work fun" She smiles at me and I follow Angus upstairs.

"Do you want pancakes Zoey?" Angus asks, studying the menu as we sit side by side in a booth at the cafe.

"Only if you share them with me and we can have strawberries too, I loved those strawberries, they were so juicy" I reply and he places an order, I open my book and begin reading, he opens his laptop and begins working, I rest my head on his shoulder and he places a hand on my knee.

"Do you like the book so far?" He asks me when I'm a few chapters in.

"It's still setting up but it's very lusty but I love romantic novels" I tell him

"I loved it, I've read that book many times, it's got strong characters and a great twist" I can hear the excitement in his voice, like he's sharing something treasured with me.

"Shh, no-one likes spoilers, go back to your reports" I say playfully

"I'm actually putting together next month's timetable, I'm thinking of taking on an extra class too" He corrects me

"What class?"I ask, intrigued

"Spin class, I'm thinking on a Wednesday afternoon, would you do it if I ran the class?"He asks me

"Would you push me to fast" I don't think I could go at his pace

"You can go at whatever speed you want with me baby, you know that" He promises.

His phone vibrates and he answers it, "Hey Justin, I'm upstairs, come up, I've got someone I want you to meet", he gives me a smile and hangs up. A few minutes later we are approached by a tall, buff looking guy, looks to be in his late 30's, I do recall seeing him around before though.

"Justin, this is my girlfriend, Zoey" Angus introduces me and Justin laughs

"I was wondering when we were going to officially meet, hey Zoey." Justin greets us

"You knew?" Angus exclaims

"Everyone knows, we just didn't say anything but it was pretty obvious, leaving together and how you look at the girl" Justin explains and I just look at Angus and laugh.

"Alright, well we are going away next week, Wednesday, coming back Saturday so I'm just doing some shifting around of my schedule, can you take my group on Friday, it's just Zoey's sister, Tess and her boyfriend?" Angus asks Justin

"No troubles" Justin confirms

"Also Imogen is back next week too, on Thursday" Angus says with a smile and I see Justin's face light up, "Justin has been into Imogen since they were in Year 8 together but she's always had a boyfriend" Angus explains to me

"Including Don" I remind Angus, "Does she know that you like her?" I ask Justin

"Not at all, we've just been friends for so long so I doubt she'd see me as anything else" He tells me before adding "That woman is luscious"

"Dude, thats my sister, keep your pervy thoughts to yourself" Angus laughs at him

"She not my sister" Justin replies, winking at me and I smile

"So you two met around 2 years ago but Justin, you've known Imogen all this time?" I ask them both

"Yep, Imogen travels a lot with work so we've been distant friends, keeping in touch through texts and emails but about 2 years ago we caught up for a drink and she brought her foul mouthed, chubby brother along because he had just been dumped by some chick and we hit it off and I told the chubby bastard that he needed to come running with me every morning with the promise of a beautiful sunrise as a reward" Justin explains and I poke Angus in the ribs as he tries to hide his smile behind his hands.

"This is all sounding very familiar Angus" I exclaim

"You're not chubby, you're beautiful, I just wanted company on my run" He kisses my cheek

"I began training him, this kid had a bad attitude but no confidence and I had to break down so many aggressive walls he had up" Justin continues.

"In my defence I had a shit girlfriend who had cheated on me with my best friend for months and this guy yelling at me to get off my fat arse and get motivated" Angus tells me, hanging his head, I take his hand and give it a little squeeze and he looks at me and winks.

"You were never fat, just chubby" Justin reassures him

"So when did you take over the gym?" I ask Angus

"About a year ago, Justin was looking to sell but wanted to stay on as a trainer and I wanted something to keep me busy. Justin taught me everything I know and I'm grateful for it" Angus replies

"He's still got a foul mouth though" Justin laughs

"Zoey loves it, adds to my bad boy charm" Angus tells him

"Bad boy? You? You're a marshmallow, soft and sweet" I inform him.

My phone starts buzzing, I see it's Tess calling

"Heya" I greet her in a perky tone that could easily challenge her own.

"You're awake? At 8am? I'm surprised" She sounds shocked

"Angus made me go for a run" I tell her and I watch him laugh

"He's making you do sneaky exercise, I love it." She replies, "Whats the plan for tonight anyway?" She asks

"We'll shower after training, can you, I want to talk to you privately though before we go to the Stargazer" I'm nervous but it's a conversation I need to have

"Is everything OK Zoey?" She asks concerned

"Everything is great, I just want some sister time, away from boyfriends" I promise her

"Love you Z"

"Love you too T"

"Tess and I will meet you at The Stargazer, we're just going to have coffee together first" I tell Angus and Declan after our training, Angus pulls me in close and whispers in my ear

"If she gets angry at you then you tell me and I'll sort it", I nod and walk to the showers with Tess.

"I brought you some clothes from home" Tess tells me, I love that she knew I needed an outfit for tonight without even asking, she pulls out my favourite red mini skirt and plain black long sleeved t-shirt, she even squeezed my knee high white boots into her backpack. We shower and get dressed then work on make up and hair.

"Black or blue eyeliner?" I ask her

"Black and line your lower lid too" She orders me as she curls my hair.

When we are leaving we dump the backpack with our work out clothes behind the reception desk and make our way to a coffee place across the road, order two mochas, extra foam, we find a seat near the window that overlooks the city, the sun is setting, casting a beautiful red glow between the apartments.

"What's going on Zoey?" Tess asks me suspiciously

"You know I don't like keeping things from you but I'm also somewhat afraid of you when you get angry at me so I'm hoping you'll keep that in mind" My voice is trembling, I love Tess but she can be scary at times. She stares at me for what seems like forever, her face relaxes like she's just figured out how to solve a puzzle.

"When?" She asks me, taking my hand

"A few weeks ago, it was my idea, not his, he didn't push me into it" I tell her

"Are you being careful?" She questions me

"Always" I promise her

"Did you think I'd be angry with you?" She asks me

"Yes, I thought you'd lecture me about how I should have waited or you'd make me feel ashamed" I explain

"Zoey, I love you, if you're happy then I'm happy for you and you can tell me anything. I'm not angry" She assures me, "Now, give me details"

"You're really not angry?" I ask, shocked

"You love Angus, He loves you, you're being careful, we're almost 19, do you need anymore reasons why I'm not angry?" She exclaims, so I give her all the details she desires, how sweet he was the first time, how it hurt, how many times we've done it and how he took me to doctor to go on the pill. Tess is impressed. We talked for another hour about what we'd been up to during the week, she told me how Declan was taking her out for dinner tomorrow night, how she'd completed 2 assignments but has another 2 to go and how Sam told Declan he was thinking of asking Cassie to formal but wasn't sure if she was interested, we both laughed about how blind Sam was to Cassie's hints. I love having time alone with Tess, all my worries have just melted away.

When we walked into the Stargazer we found Angus and Declan sitting with Molly and Annabelle. Molly came running up to me when we approach the table, giving me a hug, I introduce her to Tess and they hit it off as I predicted they would, we get to talking about university and how we are coming to orientation tours first we back of school. We arrange to have lunch when we do our tour. I feel his arm slide around my waist and his lips kiss my neck

"I love this skirt, How is this the first time I've seen you wear it?" He whispers to me, I turn to face him, "Wow, I'm loving this full look" He says, kissing me

"Im loving your look too, very hot" I say, taking a look at the dark jacket, jeans and blue t-shirt, he's a great dresser.

"I got you both a drink" He says, pointing to the table, "How did the talk go?" He asks me

"Really good, she's not angry" I tell him

"I'm so glad" He says as Tess comes bouncing up beside us, she looks at Angus and smiles

"Thanks for the drink and for being good to my Zoey" She says, hugging us both

"You're welcome on both counts" He smiles at her, my two favourite people are friends and I couldn't be happier.

The band starts playing, Molly grabs my hand, I grab Tess' hand and we head out to the dance floor. I love their sound even though I know none of their songs. We dance through 3 songs before I need to go back to the table for a drink. Walking over I see Angus is texting, he looks up, sees me coming and puts his phone away.

"Hey pretty girl, I love watching you dance" He says, kissing me

"I thought you were too busy texting to see" I laugh and he looks at me with shame in his eyes

"I was watching baby" He promises

"Stop watching, come dance with me" I beg him and he obliges, I lead him onto the dance floor where Tess and Molly are. We dance as a group for the next 3 songs, until Tess announces that she needs a drink and Molly complains of sore feet, I use the opportunity to pull Angus in for a dance, just us two.

"I Love dancing with you" He tells me

"You love doing everything with me" I say, confidently and he nods his head in confirmation,

"Are you hungry?" He asks after we've danced together for a bit

"Kinda" I reply

"Only kinda?" He questions

"I am hungry but I don't want to stop dancing to eat but I also know if I don't eat soon I will run out of energy to keep dancing. It's a complicated catch 22" I laugh

"I'll get some grazing plates for the table, that way you can snack and dance" He says, taking my hand and leading me to the bar where we order food for the table and a round of drinks.

"Im getting tipsy" I giggle

"Are you having fun though?" He asks, concerned

"Yep, I love Caleb's band, they've got an awesome sound" I say, snuggling into him, he smells amazing, the scent of freshly washed and aftershave is intoxicating.

We walk back to the table where we find Tess and Declan discussing where we should go after we graduate. It's tradition that graduating year 12s take a holiday somewhere as a celebration for completing high school. So far we had nothing planned and as per usual Tess had volunteered to organise somewhere but she had a lot on her plate already

"I just haven't had time to look but if we don't book somewhere soon we will miss out" I hear her telling Declan

"Where were you thinking though?" He asks her

"Somewhere beachy where we can relax and drink cocktails" She tells him

"And sunbathe" I add, I'm pale and in desperate need of a tan

"How many people?" Angus asks Tess

"Just us, so that's Zoey, Declan, Cassie, Sam and Myself" She counts on her hand, "5 all up"

"I have a house in Sulani, 4 bedrooms, right on the beach, you can stay there if you want" Angus offers and Tess' eyes light up

"That would be perfect, Thank You Angus" She throws her arms around him in joy

"You should join us" I ask him, a week without Angus won't be fun

"I may not be able to do a full week but I could spare a few days" He promises. Our drinks and grazing plates arrives.

"Baby eat, drink and then we can dance" Angus urges me, I pick up a slice of cheese and some salami, drink half my drink and grab his hand to lead him back out to the dance floor, he comes willingly. I can feel myself going from tipsy to drunk very quickly.

"Zoey we're gonna get you some water ok?" Angus suggests and I groan, water means the end of drinking, he walks me to a quiet corner of The Stargazer and sits me down on couch, "I'll be back, don't move". He walks to the bar, gets a large glass of water, he walks back to where he placed me, crouches down and presents the water to me.

"I'm not drunk anymore" I slur my words

"Completely sober" He laughs putting the water in my hands, "Let's just drink the water anyway, just for fun", I take small sips just to appease him

"Can we go home?" I ask him, tiredness suddenly setting in and the room is spinning. He takes the half empty glass from my hand, sets it on a table near by, stands up and holds out his hands to help me up.

"I'll call Tess once we get home, just so she doesn't worry" He says, wrapping an arm around my waist to steady me.

Once back at the apartment he helps me up to the couch, pours another glass of water and makes me a bowl of popcorn.

"You barely ate and drank a lot, eat up, I'll call Tess" He tells me

"You love me" I say

'Is that a question or a statement?" He laughs

"Just me, you love just me though right?" I ramble on and he looks at me confused

"Of course just you Zoey" He crouches down in front of me, "Is everything ok Zoey?"

"No but I'm too tired to talk" I tell him as he slips my boots off and picks me up in his arms

"I'll take you to bed Princess" He carries me off to his room and I drift off in a drunken slumber

[c0rpseductor]

i keep saying lately i miss mär too much and generally feeling lonely or sad (though I’ve had some very good days too). but i think most of it is really ive been stressed (so more panic/intrusive thoughts) and had on and off sleep difficulties, either by lacking sleep or passing out early in the day with total exhaustion. it makes it harder to feel as though we’re “together” in any given moment and it’s harder to actually DO things like go out bc so often i just come home and feel ready to collapse. or else don’t sleep and then am sleep deprived and collapse the next night.

i think maybe...i might be undereating again. but it isn’t on purpose, i just have had trouble eating decent portions during the day, it’s really hard sometimes without making myself feel sick. but maybe it explains why ive felt less energy and more anxiety and stress, and been unable to sleep, as that was all true before.

my only evidence to support that, aside from those symptoms, is my ring seems larger, and straight up fell off at work the other day. so i may have lost more weight. i didn’t really want any of that to be true, but that might be what’s happening. i just don’t know how to eat more when it makes me so sick, it’s really physically uncomfortable and sometimes even drives me to feeling nauseated.

i think in general im doing better but recovery isn’t always very easy or linear. i think work hasn’t helped as i feel kind of burnt out. they have me doing only one task now, and my supervisor has been pushing hard for me to meet a higher standard. and i guess it’s still during a sensitive time for me, so maybe it would have been better to take time off to facilitate recovering, but i can’t afford that...even when i was barely able to function and occasionally brought near to fainting at my desk i kept going to work, even if i called in more often. it would be even worse for me to miss work now.

i don’t know. i would really like some free time to recover and heal, i think perhaps i could benefit from some rest after everything that’s happened with my ED, because it was strenuous. but i have to be strong and keep working, i can’t take time for something like that, it’s too frivolous of a concern when i have to manage my finances and make progress to moving out. i don’t have time to do something like that, and it’s not really viewed as acceptable anyway, things like that done solely for mental health are viewed as frivolous. id just seem like a big baby.

[wonderofsteel]

The Wrong Twin// Fred & Hermione & George

Summary: Four times George Weasley misunderstood things, and one time someone explained thing to him.

Warnings: A twin with a broken heart

I

At first, he thought he was imagining things. What were the odds? The first clue were those looks she gave him, -or that he thought were for him-. With dreamy cheesy eyes while batting her eyelashes. She looked at where he was and when he looked back at her, she immediately looked away. But since no one else seemed noticed the cheesy (but lovely) looks, he thought it was all in his head.

Until one afternoon. Abandoned on a table, alongside a bunch of books, an inkwell, and an old backpack, he found a parchment in the Common Room. It was a draft for a Potions essay. It was rough and full of smudges, but in one corner it had his name written. Well, almost. With perfect calligraphy the word "Weasley" was written inside a big heart, surrounded by other little hearts.

Now, "Weasley" could be anybody. Well, not really. But it could be any Weasley, because, there was a lot of those in Hogwarts. Also, all the things could belong to any Gryffindor. He looked through the things until he realized that the bag had the name "Granger" on it. He smiled discreetly. With his heart beating with pure happiness he sited in a near table to wait for his twin.

His heart almost stopped when he saw Harry putting some of the books in his own bag. Was the parchment his? He waited for a while, watching at him. After a while, the brown haired girl arrived with her hair even messier than the usual, an untidy uniform and an undone tie, but the brightest of the smiles on her face. She picked up the things in the table, including the parchment, and left.

He thought about it for a while. It couldn't be Ginny. The precious Hermione couldn't belong to that team. There was nothing wrong about it, but that would only mean he didn't have any chance. Besides, it would be like betraying Harry or something.

It couldn't be Charlie or Bill, because she barely knew them. And although he had graduated last year, and they rarely spoked with each other, he really hoped it was not Percy, because that would have been catastrophic. Yeah, the were almost alike, talking about how dedicated they were with their school work. But Percy was an ugly stiff and Hermione was beautiful, and nice, and amusing, and beautiful, and intelligent, and sweet, and beautiful, and likable... Well, he was getting distracted.

So his theory leaved Ron, Fred, and himself as the suspects.

Happy with his thinking, he looked at his twin, who had just arrived.

They didn't notice the silly smile in each other.

II

Two or three weeks after he found the parchment she was still shy as usual, so he decided to make the first move.

So now he wrote something in a parchment.  

My precious Hermione:

Surely you don't know how much I love you. Maybe it was not love at first sight. You were just a kid with big tooth (I mean no harm I used to thought you were adorable), book lover and a rule freak.

Then I fell for you. I fell hard. I fell for your smile, for your eyes, for your messy hair, for your laugh, for your silk skin. I fell for the way you scold me for all the silly things  I do.

I really love you. I have this crazy, stupid way of loving you. I am not the most skilled with this stuff, but I had to say it somehow.

I love you. Absolutely simple and honest, I love you.

Maybe I'm a little cold and distant but I have a passionate side (maybe you will know it).

Well, it's about three in the morning and I am rambling but at least I already told you.

With love.

Your secret W.

He signed the letter that way. And packed it alongside a rose and a candy bag of Honeydukes. The next morning he left the package at the Owlery.

During breakfast Hermione received the gift. The twin smiled satisfied when her cheeks became pink. Fred looked at her, curious. He frown when he saw the rose.

That was the beginning of a bunch of letters, notes and gifts that he send her. At first Hermione looked head over heels, and nobody knew why.

III

He saw them talking at the library, they were whispering. Both of them were read and looked angry. He thought it was better not to go near them. They looked extremely mad. She was whispering something to him, making him even more angry. George thought it was already weird to see them talking, so it was even weirder to see them arguing. At some point, she looked like she was about to cry. So was he. Even if you couldn't tell at first sight George did noticed it. After all Fred was his twin.

After that nothing seemed  to fit anymore. The dying-lamp-looks stopped, alongside the little silly smiles and the blushing. They stopped completely. The beautiful Gryffindor was avoiding his lover. (The wrong one, of course)

But the letters didn't stopped.

One again he was waiting for his twin at the Common Room, he had wrote another note. He looked for her bag and picked a book with her name on it. But he dropped some parchments. He opened the book and left the new note there. Then he picked up the parchments. That's when he realized that, perfectly kept and organized, there were his letters.  Happiness invaded his body. He left everything right where he found it.

That's what gave him the courage to ask her to the Astronomy Tower in his next note.

Again, she arrived minutes later, with her hair a mess. Shortly after that his twin arrived too.

The three of them had silly smiles in their faces.

IV

George was nervous. His hands were wet with sweat and he felt like he had an hippogriff flying around in his stomach. Actually, twenty hippogriffs crashing against his stomach walls would be a more accurate description. He had never been so nervous before. He was paralyzed of fear, of panic.  

He was wearing his best tunic (it only had a couple of patches at the hem) he even had combed his hair.

He had put candles all around, but he couldn't make the spell for having music. He had only accomplished some not romantic at all Weird Sisters' songs. At least he had made the candles float. He had a bouquet of azaleas in his hand. He was almost ruining them because of his tight grip. He was really scared.

He heard steps. His heart started beating very fast. The steps were getting closer. His heart was running away from his chest. But then he heard more steps.

The chocolate eyed girl crossed the door. His heart stopped.

She was not alone.

Holding her hand there was a red haired boy. A Weasley. Identical to him.

V

George Weasley was shocked, the joke was on him now. He was now sitting in the stairs, the candles off, his eyes red. He didn't wanted to cry, but it was inevitable. It hurt so much it burned.

Hermione Granger had rejected him.

Not just that, she also had a boyfriend. And it was Fred Weasley. His twin brother.

The Weasley of the parchment was Fred. The looks were for Fred, but since they were always together it was easy to get get confused. Now, that explained the untidy moments she had lately.

She had explained him everything. She and Fred had a secret relationship of months. They didn't wanted to make it public for all the articles of the fake relationships of Hermione with Harry and Krum Rita Skeeter had published lately. They didn't wanted to add a third "victim" to the list.

That's why she had misunderstood the thing with "Your Secret W (Weasley)". He thought the letters were from Fred, because it fit perfectly in their relationship.  The twins had such a strong bond that they even shared the love for the same girl.

Anyways, Hermione confronted Fred about the letters, thanking him. He told her those weren't his and got jealous. That's why they fought and she was avoiding the twins. The day they fixed the things between them was the day he asked Hermione to meet him at the Astronomy Tower. But Fred wanted the gifts to stop.

That's why they were there together. Because she didn't had the heart to reject such a sweet guy and because Fred didn't trusted the secret admirer.

George couldn't help but to think that if Hermione loved Fred, then she was loving the wrong twin.

[aquarianlights]

I am the anon who asked about nexplanon. I thought it could trigger you, that's why I didn't go into details. I wanted to know if it stops your period or if you are still bleeding? Hope I've been more clear.

Gonna write out a fuckton of details, putting the important things in bold…and then put a completely bolded TL;DR at the end:

I really appreciate the not wanting to trigger me. I thought maybe that was why you didn’t go into detail. That is really respectful and I really appreciate it, but for future reference for you and anyone: If it is medical, scientific, or for educational purposes and does not reference my parts sexually or treat me or my parts as sexual objects and I still remain male in the eyes of whomever is asking me questions, I don’t mind explicit detail.

I really appreciate that, though.

As for the answer….It’s a little complicated.

This is my replacement nexplanon. I had one for three years prior to this one. I got my replacement one put in on 11/22/2017.

With my FIRST nexplanon…the first three years I had it…I didn’t bleed at all. The one and ONLY time I spotted (did not get a full period and did not get ANY associated symptoms…just simply spotted) was when living with my ex-girlfriend and her husband. My ex had VERY alpha-essque hormones. I spotted tiny, tiny bit when living with Chelle but it was so unnoticeable that I didn’t even have to use a pad.

It is completely normal for anyone with female parts that has nexplanon to actually get a full period (even with all the associated symptoms) for the first few months after insertion… And, IF I UNDERSTOOD MY NURSE RIGHT…..(I may not have, coz I’ve been in a total daze this past week+), it’s even possible for people with the appropriate female parts to have full periods with associated symptoms every month on time for the entirety of their time with nexplanon. But every single person I’ve talked to who has nexplanon said that’s really not a thing and their periods, if they got them AT ALL, went away almost immediately after the first few months.

I have a bleeding/clotting disorder that especially affects my periods (and is also something I have to alert tattoo artists to which is why a lot of my tats come out unfinished). When I got my first period at the age of…maybe 13? I was hospitalized because I clotted so badly and I almost bled out entirely. They suggested I take my uterus out immediately because this wasn’t something that was going to go away and I would need to be on a VERY STRONG BC for the rest of my life that either eliminated bleeding/clotting altogether or made it to where I bled/clotted like a normal person’s period, which would still be awful. ALSO, my periods last approximately 2 weeks, give or take a couple days each time. This is normal for my entire family on my mother’s side…it would put my mom and her mom and their mom before that and all my mom’s sisters out of work and out of school and stuff the entire time every month of their period. They didn’t have it as severe as me because they didn’t have the bleeding/clotting disorder to worry about. But they did have as severe cramping as I had that was as bad, if not worse, than labour pains (spoken from women in my family who have been through it, some multiple times). They DIDN’T have something that I didn’t get until my late teens, early 20′s…and on… until I got my nexplanon. The psychological effects of the period. Every single time I got my period, I would wind up in a hospital the day before I actually got it because of the most extreme and impulsive suicide attempts you can imagine. I have NEVER felt such extreme psychological instability as I have when on my period. It’s like…every single disorder I have gets amplified by a million and they all clash and I’m unable to control anything and suddenly my body and mind act on their own and I’m no longer in control and I black out and wake up in a hospital or while being dragged, kicking and screaming, down the hall by orderlies to the floor with a ward on it. The hallucinations, the BPD symptoms, the other schizo symptoms, the homicidal and suicidal symptoms usually being taken over by suicidal, the self harm urges, the inability to make decisions for myself, the panic attacks while all of this is happening, flashbacks to rapes and being in wards and being trapped and sex training and all sorts of different things that i cant remember, …the list goes on and on. ALL AT ONCE. I just wake up and get FLOODED with all of these things all at once and Killian shuts down and idk what or who takes over but whatever does instantly goes for the most dramatic, impulsive, instantaneous, shocking, grandiose, suicidal gesture you could ever imagine that always seems to be in public (lets break a glass mirror in public with your brass knuckles and slit our wrists and throat open with a huge shard where everyone can see, why don’t we!?) so I mean, you can only imagine how many times I’ve been thrown right on the ground by a cop and cuffed and taken in. This is usually the day BEFORE my period. Also, I starve on my period. I starve naturally coz I’m anorexic…but it takes willpower to starve during non-period times and times when I’m sober..During my period…I can’t eat anything coz I always feel nauseated, my two lower quadrants are always in such intense throbbing or stabbing pain that I’m writhing and screaming despite heating pads and normally a dilaudid or fentanyl drip at the hospital, the thought, smell, and visual effect of food makes me feel….full? Idk how to describe… It’s not nauseated. But it makes me feel so full that I couldn’t force myself to eat even if I wanted to. And since my period lasts a MINIMUM of two weeks, give or take a couple days, I usually end up on IV nutrients, too.

I’m explaining all of this because I’m needing to explain WHY it is so important that I chose nexplanon over…say…The Pill or an IUD or something. I’ve heard that the Depo Provera shot works for people who can’t handle nexplanon and vice versa. Well, when I tried the Depo Provera shot, I wound up having the effects of an anti-depressant on me…in other words, it made me so insatiably suicidal that I ended up in a ward within a couple hours of getting the shot. Depo worked HORRIBLY on me…I didn’t even get to see if it worked for any of my period symptoms coz it had to be flushed from my system entirely coz of the EXTREME psych effects it had on me.

But Nexplanon….Nexplanon was my saving grace.

Coz not only did I literally NEED the bleeding/clotting to stop….But I NEEDED ALMOST ALL of the associated symptoms to stop. I think the only things that weren’t either life threatening or debilitating were mild acne that happened very rarely each period (never really had to deal with acne in my life) and the bloating/water retention. Very specific, certain mood swings associated with periods were something not life threatening or debilitating either. Just…annoying and a total bitch to everyone around me hahahaha. I slayed with my words and popped off on anyone…Yikes. But it wasn’t like my BPD mood swings where 0 to 100 in less than a second on being euphoric and suicidal almost simultaneously.

I explained all of that because I need everyone to realize I chose nexplanon and not anything else because almost everything about my period (the bleeding/clotting AND almost ALL associated symptoms) were life threatening AND debilitating and had almost killed me so many times, it was terrifying. Since my parents obviously did not agree to get my uterus taken out and since I haven’t had the money to get mine surgically removed and donated to a wonderful transgirl (got three of you lovely ladies in mind! you all know who you are!)…I needed a BC medication that was going to stop EVERYTHING. Not just “the period”. But the ENTIRE period. The bleeding/clotting and ALL associated symptoms.

That BC was either Depo Provera shot or Nexplanon. One works, the other doesn’t…it seems to be that way with everyone. I tried Nexplanon first. That worked well. I forget why I tried Depo inbetween but you just read how nearly fatal that was for me…

ANYWAYS…

So this is my second time on it. As I said, It was put in on 11/22/2017. 

The removal and replacement went smoothly and it’s been going smoothly……..until this month.

What I am experiencing is normal for a NORMAL PERSON. A NORMAL PERSON with a NORMAL PERIOD would be okay with these symptoms. Problem being….Idk what symptoms are associated with what because:a) I’m switching my migraine medication to something that causes certain side effects until it levels out in my systemb) I’m having what a normal person would consider a full periodc) Optical and chronic migraines are happening simultaneously and they are debilitating to the point of making me bed-ridden if I don’t take my old migraine med along with this new one (which I’m not supposed to be doing)d) I’m getting a rheumatoid diagnosis and seeing a rheymatologist soon (they’re gonna probably schedule me tomorrow for a week to a month out…month at the longest) for either a lupus or fibro diagnosis, but they’re also going to check for hyperalgesia presenting in the kicked puppy/”flinching disorder” way and there are a FUCKTON of new symptoms I’m experiencing because of whatever this auto-immune disorder or rheumatoid virus (or both) is and my period actually could be happening BECAUSE of all of thise) I added a new exercise regime in when I really haven’t exercised every day and night consistently since I got diagnosed with chronic costochondritis for fear of cardiac arrest, which I fear even more now that I’m on a med that makes it to where I can’t sweat, BUT….exercise is good for joint/muscle disease/virus/pain/etc etc etc…f) I’m under a LOT of stress and pressure regarding so many things but right now it’s primarily school…getting into a pre-med tailored general biology major and a good university to switch to a medical major and pass the MCAT and do a FUCKTON of things simultaneously in order to get into medical school (trust me, you have NO idea how many non-scholastic things you HAVE to do to even be considered an applicant at p much every med uni)… I mean, I’m enrolled in three different colleges right now and I’m taking 6 vet tech related medical classes right now and will be taking 2 general ed classes on campus 45 minutes from here to finish a different degree…so I will have two associates band a bachelors by the time I’m moving on to my doctorate (coz med majors don’t get their masters, we just move from bachelors to doctorate for some reason)g) FAFSA is another time constraint stress that is KILLING ME and scholarships and such….h) Getting into the “back to work” program with disability, trying to find a job, trying to find internships, keeping up with seminars, paperwork stacked a mile high that is all deadline, deadline, DEADLINE…I’m going to a bazillion, million doctors who are all 3+ hours away and a lot of them are turning me away at the end of the visit because they “just don’t know what to do” and “this is above [my] pay-grade” so specialists refer me to other specialists who just refer me RIGHT BACK to those other specialists and then it’s an argument on whose specialty it is because the symptoms are literally from head to foot in me and no one knows what the fuck to do to help until I see a rheumatologist so it’s MORE THAN STRESSFUL driving 6+ hours almost every day of the week to go through extensive medical exams and testing only to be told they can’t help me/don’t know what to do/recommend…….and refer me someplace else….. and also all the hospital visits I’m ending up having to endure… alone… because my roommates are an “every man for themselves” type of roommate situation….i) Being put on a new medication I’ve never tried before, Lyrica, and playing around with the dosage myself and pushing it up to 600mg a day sometimes when I’m prescribed 200mg a day (100/100 day/night) and the max legal dose for my issues is 300mg/day…not to mention I’m not being consistent with it at all…and I was supposed to titrate up from 25mg to 75mg because it can affect my psych issues the first month but I just started on 200mg per day anyways coz I’m an idiot and have a self-medication problem (hence why tons of psychs have discharged me…rightfully so)j) moving in general and getting adjusted to new roommates and a new state and a new city and a new environment in general….k) getting used to a new style of support that I WANT AND NEED OVERALL but can’t handle and don’t need specifically right now when I’m just now getting diagnosed and transitioning through all these things…L) my HRT doc finally cleared me for T after working with her and the HRT board with PPH because it was dangerous with my psych issues….and then all of a sudden all of these physical issues popped up, forcing me not only to change my entire moving plans, living plans, schooling plans, autonomy timeline, Echo timeline, screwed with my financial stability I had going on MAJORLY, a TON of other things….and then ONCE AGAIN…barred me from being eligible for HRT because it isn’t safe anymore and until I get a full, complete workup and diagnosis, as well as find out what medications I’m going to be on and the dosage and they level out in my system and we all see how they’re going to affect me…….HRT is not an option….so I have to wait EVEN LONGER….to transition….M) relations with my parents became more strained than ever lately which is odd because normally being away and being unable to be physically abused makes things better and healthier between us…but suddenly, I’VE become the abusive one…. I’m fucking lashing out at my mother every chance I get and that’s normal for chronic illness diagnosis and stuff but blacking out due to anger is not… and idk where the anger black outs are coming from…and there are other black outs…N) Shit going on with my grandparents that SHOULDN’T be going on as well as with my father that SHOULDNT be going on and only people who truly know my father and me and what has gone on between us and who he really is can comment on this (which those people I can count on one hand), but I hope to god he dies before I can get to him…Jesus fucking christO) ……I can’t go on with specifics anymore, I’m bad with list but SUFFICE IT TO SAY…..

I HAVE A FUCKTON OF STUFF GOING ON SIMULTANEOUSLY AND I’M DOING ABOVE A NEUROTYPICAL LEVEL OF ADULTING EVERY SINGLE DAY. Like….WAY above. Above an able-bodied level of adulting, too! Above a neurotypical, able-bodied person’s adulting workload every day…. Which is scary.

I’m mentioning all that because all of that is apparently stress related. Apparently if there is enough stress in your body, it can release certain hormones. And those hormones, if powerful enough…like…if the stress is powerful enough…can cause a period in people. For people who aren’t on BC, it can cause them to have it at irregular times (ie; having it right after having finally stopped it… having it twice in one month…having it once in 3 months….etc etc etc).

That list is the major things I can think of off the very top of my head that are going on with me at this very moment… It is POSSIBLE that all of that is the cause of me having a normal person’s flow and all associated symptom’s at a normal person’s level.

WHAT I MEAN WHEN I SAY NORMAL PERSON: I mean… A normal flow as in… +NOT going through over one of the biggest maxi pads available every half hour/using a singular biggest maxi pad available maybe every 6-8 hours, +NOT being bed-ridden due to cramps/being able to stand up and walk and walk up and down stairs on my own when I have cramps and be out and about if I NEED to and stand the duration of a shower with cramps, being able to eat if I need to, +having zofran or phenergen work when nauseated, +having actual acne that I clawed to shreds with my nails so it’s very noticeable (I’ve had acne less than 10 times in my entire life so it’s a little distressing to see it on my face coz idk how to deal with it, but I had to claw at it until the convex forms turned concave and started gushing blood…so now it looks like two, big, perfectly round, bright red, blood-coloured spots on my face that I claw open every morning till they bleed and claw at during the day and smother in neosporin during the night), +the clotting is about half the size of my fits and comes out only when I pee/sit on the toilet (normally, the clots are the size of my fits or bigger, which is why a D&C surgery is necessary if it were happening again, but my hands are very small…VERY small…probably smaller than President Tiny Hands…so half the size is not that bad),+Bloating/water retention to where my pants/shirts don’t even fit but my weight hasn’t gone up…but, man, it hurts my soul and my mind so badly that it makes me want to hurt myself for self loathing purposes which I haven’t wanted to do in a long time and kill myself for being obese and hideous despite the fact I know this is temporary.+Mild headaches/NOT MIGRAINES OR HEADACHES THAT HAVE ANY SORT OR LIGHT OR SOUND SENSITIVITY,+NORMAL mood swings that are not akin to BPD or bipolar disorder at all and aren’t bad enough to cause any fights, either with others or with myself,+NO Suicidal thoughts or suicidal ideation…No instantaneous suicide attempts…no insatiable self harm urges,+This may be specific to me, but cravings for weird things like the feel of blood or the smell of the ocean,+Either an entire lack of appetite or a voracious appetite+Putting off adult responsibilities with a NORMAL amount of guilty conscious applied to it and not a “Jesus fucking christ, you’re absolutely useless, ON TOP of being obese and ugly, you really DO need to kill yourself RIGHT NOW because look at all the things you need to do and you’re not, you lazy piece of shit child” but more of a “You’re being lazy lol, but it’s okay…tomorrow is a new day. Fuck it. Fuck being an adult. I am NOT adulting today!”+INTENSE craving for chocolate…ALL the time… Like, not cheap chocolate, either. Like… mandarin orange infused godiva chocolate… All day, every day. Fuck.+Breasts swelling to almost a whole new cup size. Been having a hard time using the normal sized chest binder I use because my breasts swelled or retained water/milk/whatever so much. I don’t think they hit C’s, but my smaller B-cup bras which is what I normally wear to bed didn’t fit. Regular sized B-cups are normally WAY too loose on me to wear to bed and my girls will slip out during the night so I always have to find the tight, little girls training B-cups instead of, like…the ladies. I can fit into an A, but it’s just slightly too tight and a little too uncomfortable, unfortunately. I was an A my whole life until I got on antipsychotics. Hopefully T will bring them down to the smallest A possible and I can go down in my binder size.+Heightened sensitivity to pain and heat

Here’s a lack of symptoms I have entirely despite the fact I have my period that normally accompany MY period which also make this a “normal” person’s period:+No homicidal thoughts/desires/actions (thoughts past the normal)!+No suicidal thoughts/desires/actions (thoughts past the normal)!+No impulse spending to the point of spending the entirety of your money.+No sudden development of bipolar disorder but only for the duration of your period (a psych has confirmed this with me and gone over it with me and why I am bipolar on my period and not BPD and how this can be and how it is similar to a drug induced mental disorder, ie; drug induced schizophrenia, so I’m not just like…pulling this out of the blue, I swear lololol)+An ability to remain calm and level headed during arguments or fights if there even are any and turn things into a debate or a joke/satirical conversation instead of an argument like I normally do+No sudden surge of a loss of interest in things I love (which was hard to do to begin with since I lost everything I loved to depression over the years so this feeling of losing my passions during my periods was very soul crushing)+No getting triggered by noise, like… Being mentally overloaded by noise everywhere. I know there’s a word for this and it’s normally associated with autistic people but I’m blanking coz I’m not autistic and I don’t usually experience this and a cacophony of noise actually soothes me usually, tbh…lol.+No being overly sensitive to other people’s words and actions and no reading into and over-analyzing everything everyone says and does+No extreme panic attacks that are actually mental based and not physically based (I have panic disorder, which means I don’t get any sort of mental symptoms with my panic attacks because panic disorder does not have any association with anxiety or anxiety attacks or panic attacks that are caused by mental stuff… so my panic attacks are always purely physical…during my period, they can be started mentally…which is impossible for me otherwise)+No odd fears popping up that I overcame a long time ago (ie; phone phobia making me have a panic attack if someone calls me and making me unable to answer the phone or call anyone I need to, balloon phobia, needle phobia…actually, you know, I’m still not quite over balloons yet…I thought I overcame it about like…4 or 5 years ago but then my coworkers tied balloons to my car doors as a prank and I had a panic attack and broke down crying and had to have one of them come cut them off for me lolololol…so idk about that one, but you get my examples, right?)+No losing the conscience I have built up over the years and maintained so that I can force myself to stay away from being abusive and neglectful to people I love (ie; gaslighting, manipulation, coercion, pressure, charm, using my unique charisma for evil, threats, homicidal actions, conditioning, etc etc etc…) which comes with being BPD since I cannot feel empathy or sympathy and cannot “put myself in someone else’s shoes” due to ANOTHER disorder so I have made my own conscience and I lose it during my period because it’s made up and I have to be very self aware to keep it in place coz I don’t have a conscience naturally like most people do.+No hallucinations, auditory and/or visual+No catatonic moments+No psychosis, temporary/intermittent or permanent enough to need intervention+No purposefully making a dramatic scene in public in order to elicit a response from professionals and the crowd around me to come try to take me away to a ward so I can fight them+No lying without even realizing I’m doing it or meaning to about REALLY weird things to get attention (The things I lie about without realizing I’m doing it until after I’ve already done it while I’m on my period are INSANE!!!! It can range from something as innocent and benign as like… lying about the weather to a long distance friend…”Yeah, it’s raining outside. So nice.” When it’s fucking sunny as hell and making me miserable??? To something as big and severe as “I have a gun pointed at my head right now. I’m ready to do it. I have nothing left to lose.” Bitch, I can count the number of times I’ve held a gun to my head on one hand and it’s a VERY low number because it’s always been my dad’s gun and I’ve only been honest about holding a gun to my head to like… my ex girlfriend and one of my friends. That’s it. Yet, I have said this line so many times on my period without even realizing it until after I’ve said it and when it’s already been said it’s kind of a *shrug* “Welp…oh well…I guess…Too late to correct it…” sorta thing…So I go with it and just put on a whole act and it feels totally normal when I’m on my period??? My period turns me into a really fucking crazy, manipulative, evil little boy…)+Trying to steal the spotlight from others irl to get attention on me (ie; I can’t think of a real example, so I’m making up one: A coworker blacks out during a shift so they have to call 911…when the paramedics arrive, I go start unloading boxes, using one of those retractable blade thingies to open the boxes, while everyone is watching our pale, actually in distress coworker be loaded onto a gurney… I would go as far as to literally stab myself or slice a VERY deep wound in my hand or even chop the front part pad of a finger off (which I really have done before) just so I can scream (for real coz it hurts and it makes me yelp in surprise) so that everyone will turn their attention onto me and one of the paramedics will grab me and take me with them in the ambulance and I will go to the hospital with them and get all the “Omg are you okay? What happened? Did [x] really happen? Were you really in the hospital? Omg blah blah blah ATTENTION blah blah” as soon as I get back and it will rip ALL the attention away from the coworker who actually deserved it and actually needed…that’s not an actual example, I made that up, but I would not be surprised in the least if I did something like that while on my period if I were working rn and this happened)+Impulse stealing from corporate stores just for the adrenaline rush and to shove it to “the man”+Majority of my life, it was Cry and sob and cry and sob and writhe and pull my hair out and claw at myself and sob with full body shakes because of how much mental pain I was in because suicidal feelings definitely overpowered homicidal, but now and before my original nexplanon was put in 4 years ago…like…the very very very last period I had…Going out and looking for a fight with strangers…a physical fight…that I damn well know I will lose coz I’m a 5′2″ obese boy with absolutely NO muscle… SIMPLY TO GET MY ASS BEAT AND FEEL THOSE ENDORPHINS RUSH AND FEEL THE ADRENALINE PUMP AND THEN DIE OUT (similar to cutting)… Or just go to a bar and get in the most gruesome bar fight ever… Or find a human-like substance… and stab it over and over with a knife and beat it in with brass knuckles… Threaten people with knives… Etc etc etc …. Basically a bunch of homicidal stuff that I experienced the first two days of my period but now it’s gone coz the homicidal definitely overpowers the suicidal now+Such extreme apathy AND lethargy that I could lose whatever job I have at the time, go from a solid 4.0 to failing all my classes, and lose placement and lose progress in absolutely EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING I’m attending/working towards/doing/etc+The extreme apathy and lethargy bleeds into self care, too. No showering, no brushing your teeth, no washing your hands, etc etc etc…

I can’t think of anything else, but there’s probably more…Idk. But Anyways…EVERYTHING ABOVE IS SUPPOSED TO BE MASKED MY NEXPLANON COMPLETELY!

What I am CURRENTLY experiencing…is the first list. The one prior to the one right above this one. Normal bleeding/clotting and a normal level of psychological and other physical symptoms.

However…this has never happened to me before…

During my first three years with my first nexplanon, it took less than the first month for ALL of my symptoms to go away and I didn’t even spot the first month. That’s kinda what it was like up until JUST NOW with the nexplanon. No spotting or associated symptoms or ANYTHING until….literally just a few days ago…Maybe even a week ago now. The bleeding has slowed to the point where I don’t need anything other than a thin pad now. The cramping has slowed to where I don’t need a heating pad all the time. The mood swings are gone… I’ll admit, the first two days I got my period, I wanted to kill myself so badly and I most certainly did self harm. I slit the fuck outta my wrists and was SO CLOSE to going for the 20-minute-kill-zone. But I didn’t. Thank GOD I didn’t do it…Also, the first two days were abnormal for me in the fact that I wanted to eat EVERYTHING. NONSTOP. I was SO HUNGRY. Normally my period makes me so nauseated and makes me want to stay away from food so adamantly that I can’t even force myself to eat to stay alive so, like I said, I usually end up on IV nutrients in the hospital during the second week… My hunger returned to normal level on the third day and then has gone to the forcing myself to eat to stay alive bit now because I’m never hungry and I’m looking at food either makes me feel full or nauseated. Smelling food definitely makes me feel nauseated unless it’s chocolate. Lmaoooo! I am prescribed both phenergen and zofran for different reasons, though, so I just pop some zofran and it normally takes care of it to where I can force myself to eat something to stay alive or to not have a hypoglycemic attack. Coz now if I don’t eat something (even if it’s just a fucking spoonful of peanut butter or a cup of orange juice or a bar of chocolate—listing those 3 things coz they’re the top three best things to bring someone out of hypoglycemic shock) within 24 hours, I will notice my blood sugar bottom out and I will go into hypoglycemic shock and if I don’t immediately take care of it, I need to be hospitalized. Which is why I ALWAYS have chocolate on hand and ALWAYS have orange juice in the house. Don’t always have peanut butter on hand…but I should. I also have chronically low blood pressure and for some reason that affects my blood sugar and how easily it can crash and such? I’m not quit sure how (med student here and I have no idea the physiology of this stuff lol….wow) but I have to pay SUPER SPECIAL ATTENTION to BOTH of those things (blood sugar and blood pressure) during my period…because if my BP bottoms out and I don’t get help, I go into a coma. God forbid it fucking happens while I’m sleeping which…since I take metropolol (migraine med which drops my BP coz it’s a BP med) before bed and go to sleep with ambien which lowers my BP double (ambien and sleeping lowers your BP) AND IF I’M ON MY PERIOD ON TOP OF THAT….my BP will just plummet…and if I’m sleeping, there’s no chance at getting help or found or anything… I’ll just go straight to a coma. Same with hypoglycemia. Which is why I make sure ESPECIALLY ON MY PERIOD to eat something chocolate or peanut butter or both…and drink a bit of orange juice before bed…just in case. Coz being in hypoglycemic shock is scary af…the few times I have been…being TOTALLY helpless like that…totally disoriented… totally at the mercy of whomever finds you…feeling yourself slipping away…. unable to call or move for help…that’s TERRIFYING. Lemme tell you…and MY PERIOD CAN MAKE THAT 20x WORSE. JFC.

So….

Tl;Dr: Yes, I’m bleeding this month… 3 months after getting it put in. I’m having what would be considered a “normal person’s” period with a “normal person’s” symptoms…nothing I’ve ever experienced myself with my own period. So this is a fucking miracle period, but it still sucks and is still terrifying.I chose Nexplanon because no other BC (other than I’ve heard Depo does this for some people?) not only stops the bleeding/clotting COMPLETELY, but also stops ALL associated symptoms, both physical and mental/emotional/psychological. Which…almost ALL (I can’t stress ALL enough; there’s barely any that ARE NOT) symptoms associated with a period have the potential to be fatal to me, including the mental/emotional/psychological ones. So a BC that stopped them all entirely is what I needed since my parents wouldn’t consent to taking my uterus out via surgery which is what doctors recommended over and over and over again and when I became an adult, it was too costly and is STILL too costly. So Nexplanon + the T I’m going to be getting on are a beautiful combination for stopping EVERYTHING.Apparently, it is NORMAL to have a period the first few months on Nexplanon, albeit I did not experience this with my first nexplanon and only experienced true spotting ONCE with my first nexplanon the first 3+ years I had it in when my hormonal alpha female ex-gf got her fullblown period and I was living with her and her husband and sleeping in the same bed as her. I only got spotting. No associated symptoms, physical or psychological.This time around, I am having what would be considered a normal period for a neurotypical person with no uterine problems or vaginal problems or bleeding disorders (I have vaginismus, too, so that factors in somewhere).The bleeding seems to have stopped entirely today, making it last around maybe 5-6 days, which I think is the “normal” time for a “normal” person. 

Most associated symptoms have left. The ones that remain are: Bloating, Breast swelling, Aching/Sore body (but that could be associated with the lupus/fibro/hyperalgesia diagnoses going on with me because the joints are the worst with sore-ness and aching),Mild, spontaneous headaches,Extreme heat sensitivity,Acne (but that could be because I literally clawed both spots open with my nails until they started gushing blood and now I keep clawing them open every morning and all the time throughout the day….so I mean..??? I’ve never dealt with acne. Idk how to deal with it. I’m just putting neosporin on at night.)

I am expecting these things to go away… The headaches, aching/soreness, and heat sensitivity could be associated with other illnesses going on with me that I’ve never dealt with before and don’t know what to expect. But I know damn well the bloating and breast swelling is from this…and I know the acne is from this, as that was confirmed by a doctor (coz I was scared about it being from something else) but I think it just hasn’t gone away because I keep clawing at it and making it bleed. If they don’t go away in a week, I’m gonna let my gyno know and see what she can do/recommends.

The first two days of this were ALMOST as rough, psychologically, as my normal period and the cramps and clotting put me in the hospital and warranted a high dosage morphine shot, 800mg of ibuprofen (and a script for it) and a hydro (and a script for it). 

The ONLY thing I’m worried about recurring other than the cramps and clotting and psychological symptoms is that… I don’t know if the physical black outs are related to my period or if they are related to my auto-immune disorder (lupus/fibro/hyperalgesia) because when I first got diagnosed with a joint-related virus, where they took x-rays that showed a virus of some sort was physically eating away my joints…I was literally blacking out for a couple seconds every 5-15 minutes. That was about a month ago. Now I have almost a full solid diagnosis, but I’ve thrown two new medications into the mix (Lyrica, which I’ve never been on before, and Topamax, which this is my 6th or 7th time being on) and a lot of new things/stressors/lifestyle changes in general… but the other day. ..maybe 3 days ago now? 2? It happened again. Blacking out for very short amounts of time…approximately 10 seconds every 5-15 minutes…but towards the end of the day, I blacked out so badly that I was out for a solid 20 minutes, give or take, and since I blacked out in the kitchen, my head either hit the tile floor or a counter when I went down and since I have a bleeding disorder AND it was head wound, even though it was barely even a surface scratch at all (it’s practically healed now, 2-3 days later), it bled badly enough in those 20 minutes or so that when my roommates came home and found me blacked out in the kitchen, there was a small pool of blood around my forehead. One of them was panicking and had me in his arms and was shouting LEON! LEON! WAKE UP! LEON! OMG ARE YOU OKAY!? WHAT HAPPENED!? CAN YOU HEAR ME!? LEON!!! Meanwhile, he turns to his boyfriend while I’m slowly coming to as he’s shaking me and shouting one of my many nickname’s at me…and he tells his bf to call 911…which is when I snapped out of it (sort of) and used a Scully catchphrase and pushed myself off of my friend and held up an accusatory finger to his boyfriend and was like …quoting that artwork of Scully in the jacket that I love, saying in a very slurred voice “Stand aside! I’m a medical doctor!” Which…lmao. I started giggling. They didn’t get the reference coz they’re not Philes… But I managed to make them understand to please not call 911… That was the last time I blacked out that day…but it was for a solid 20 minutes and I had been blacking out and throwing up all day that day…experiencing both chronic AND optical migraines simultaneously… the clots were bigger than ever and I could feel the flesh being ripped from my uterine wall and slowly oozing out of my vagina. It was the worst feeling. They were almost as big as my fist at this point. And I was so lightheaded and experiencing so much vertigo…but I have been experiencing constant vertigo and lightheadedness since this virus hit me and since we started researching into it and looking into lupus and such.

SO I DO NOT KNOW IF THE BLACKING OUT IS ASSOCIATED AT ALL WITH THE PERIOD….OR IF THE PERIOD IS ASSOCIATED WITH THE LUPUS AND SUCH WHICH IS WHAT THE BLACKING OUT IS ASSOCIATED WITH…OR IF BLACKING OUT IS JUST SEPARATE….

And Idk if this period is a one time thing…or if I’m going to get it again…because, although it is nice to experience a “normal person” version of a period, it’s STILL HELL ON EARTH. It’s nice to know my life is not in danger from a normal body function…it’s still awful and my life is in danger via my psyche and how it affects me psychologically very close to the same as my normal period the first day or two days… Idk if I can overcome it and JUST hurt myself the next time I have it.

But it seems to have…stopped…now? Today?

If it happens again next month at the same level, I’m going in to my gyno to talk about other options or to see if there’s a way to get medicaid or the state to pay to get my uterus surgically removed. The state would have paid when I was 13…sigh. Idk if they will now…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To answer your question simply? Nexplanon is supposed to stop your period and ALL associated symptoms COMPLETELY. However, as you know, every person is different and everyone will react differently. I was bleeding and did get a “normal” level period for about 5-6 days that is not entirely gone, but the bleeding has stopped now. This did not happen the first 3+ years I had my first Nexplanon. But this could be attributed to a fuckton of things going on with me (that I explained above for this reason exactly), personally, and may not have anything to do with the Nexplanon itself. 

I hope that answers everything….Coz I put some thorough af work into all of that. Lmao. But if you (or anyone) needs clarification on anything or has any other questions, Nexplanon is kinda one of my maxed out skill trees that I know a whole bunch about, having had it for over 4 years already and am on my second one now. Lol. Feel free to shoot me an ask!

[edmdma.tumblr.com/ask]

Gonna attempt to tag for triggers coz this was sorta graphic if you’re not really into medical things. Tell if you’d like these kinda posts tagged with something specific.

[celestialallstars]

Episode #6: “Can i PLEASE get a blindside.” - Jared

ok so basically the game has been sooo quiet and ive like.  felt dead. idk. i had a breakdown last night bc of it and i cried on my couch (KNOW THERE WAS A LOT MORE THAN THIS LKSDJGKLDSGLS I WOULDNT CRY PURELY BC OF THAT) but yaaa and now im better but like the entire day i was throwing up in class (or like feeling anxious im exaggerating sorry) about going home.

i didnt want mo out but with that being said i didnt want anyone out?? after i mentioned to him that stephen/mo were targeting each other, rhys came to me with the idea that like him jared chloe and i should make a chat, and i was down for that bc it would secure my positioning and like ALSGKSDG who'd flip on an alliance THIS early.. right?? right..

chloe was really not talkative with me. stephen/jared were active so i appreciate that immensely. im just thrown off. i dont really know who i can or cant trust.

OK ALSO SIDE NOTE CHRIS SENT ME [IM NOT EXAGGERATING] 55+ MSGS SPILLING TEA ABOUT HOW THE TUATHA HAD AN OG ALLIANCE WITH EVERYONE BUT MITCH + MAYNOR - which i knew about but LASKGLDKS AHHHH. and he leaked that stephen wanted kori/bryce targeted and i leaked that to bryce to further stephens target. IM JUST SO MESSY LOL

also i kind of predicted a swap likeee omfg. and i dont know how i feel. i kind of felt safe on my tribe??? but like.. oh no. anyway, my tribe isnt super dominant in challenges or anything (compared 2 the other tribe who has bryce/stephen/drew), but i think we can win a lipsync since we have a woman, gay men, and a metrosexual male who has an outgoing personality (and i mean that in the nicest way obviously). IDK I HOPE WE WIN BC THAT TRIBAL WAS HORRIFIC AND I LOVE MO SO MUCH AND AHH.

ill probs give a video soon in more depth with what chris said. yalls deserve it.. oops period.

I HOPE YALL CAN FORGIVE ME. im eating hotdog. bye bye love u all.

Wow I like the whole tribe! Alyssa is probably my front runner of talking and honestly she's great! I am in her spell ahhhh but hey JARED is here too woo! I think at least with Mitch and Zach too I'll be safe but I'll see! This challenge could either go really well or really badly for us but I'm excited to do anything creativity!!

I absolutly love my tribe at the moment, i'm getting along well with alot of them except Kori who i haven't spoken to much at all but im confident in our abilities to win! Jared is talking a little bit about wanting the game to pick up a little bit and i agree to some extent however blindsiding someone just for the sake of a blindside isn't smart gameplay so im just gonna lay low nd continue making those strong bonds here there and everywhere to hopfully come out on top should we end up at tribal

Can i PLEASE get a blindside

________________________________________________________________

hi it's 6 am but rhys fucking filmed vertically so if we lose he automatically has my vote

I feel good but also scared. I dont think I'll do as good of a job as I hope, but it also is turning out decently so far. My biggest concern is time. With having work tomorrow, I can only do the editing on my lunch break of 90 minutes, then whenever i get home which probably wont be until 6, given the upload time that leaves me with about 3 hours in total. Hopefully I'll be able to work with Rhys and Jack's stuff, as i think it'll be easier for me to do it then. Regardless, I'm gonna be a zombie but LOL this is the second Wednesday in a row I stayed up late except this is not for school and instead of 3 hours, ima get 2 hours of sleep haha that is so sad and funny and heebee jeebee zoinks, alright goodnight

Two things: 1) there's really nothing quite like making a fool of yourself multiple times in a single org, just to be immune for one round. 2) i am horrible at looking for idols

So Matt just told me he thinks we’re gonna have a double tribal right before merge which is like ew I hate that throw it out please, speaking of throwing out uh Kori can go because he’s wearing on my nerves like yes we’re gonna get things done on time calm down please and thanks.

these people are actually delulu if they think that video is winning. no fucking way we are winning. time to go to tribal!

So the swap has happened, and I get what is almost probably my worst case scenario player-wise. All of my close allies, with the exception of Kori, are currently on Cyrena. Meaning that winning immunity isn't even really good, since it puts them in danger.

I think there's a way to make this bad situation good though. Getting to finally work with Michael, Matt, Loris, and Drew can actually be a blessing in disguise. If I get on their good sides now, they might clue me into their plans once merge rolls around. That's the hope, anyway. For now my goal is just to survive being swapped with a bunch of people I've barely spoke to!

The past 24 hours have been major toughie for me. Staying up late and then trying to manage editing a video, work, and time constraints, and I won't lie, its been exhausting, but I didn't want to let my tribe down, or anyone down I guess. A little ways through, I kinda felt pretty defeated and then learning at last minute it was due an hour before I predicted made me panic A LOT internally, but it does seem like the tribe likes it so if we do lose and if they do vote me out, I can look back at this and feel like I did something right.

Well a lots happened and to be honest at times life and this game move too quick for me to even remember if I've mentioned it. We swapped, and I'm trying to just keep myself afloat however I can.

The challenge was overly stressful and I have no idea if we'll pull it out. Editing has been so stressful and I've found new appreciation for the people that do it. I just hope whatever I whip together will just be enough so that I can breathe and really take stalk of my new situation.

So, I haven't been around a whole bunch recently. However I'm glad we didn't go to tribal, that could've been  a reason if my name came up. So I'm glad I have time to more cement my bonds on this tribe and keep my name out of peoples mouths.

We JUST WON IMMUNITY WOOHOO. I was kind of nervous with a music challenge considering the only other one I did previously I did not do the greatest in :P. Both videos were amazing and im so glad Eve and Jones's mom liked ours significantly greater than the other one! As far as my position is concerned, I am reunited with Jared and our relationship is still strong I think so that's good. Stephen I am HOPING will be ok by just latching on to Kori at least for premerge. Those two are still the ones I trust the most, but I also like Alyssa Chris and Zach. I WISH i could connect more with jack, but i feel like every time we play together it gets more difficult to hold a conversation, so that's a yikes. Jared myself and stephen are diligently working on the idol search, but it's likely already found. I'm pretty sure there are too many components for someone to just find it by themselves

WELL. Im a target tonight! God we really do love that for me. We really do. Kori, eat my fucking ass. You leave me on read all the time. And then you have the NERVE. THE ACTUAL NERVE. to be like "omg stop slipping in my dm's!" Boo if you didn't leave me on read constantly then maybe i would actually want to speak to you! an actual moron. And then STEPHEN HAS THE FUCKING AUDACITY to me like "ya lol i'll be at tribal i'll make the decision between you and Kori at tribal!". BOI. THAT IS NOT HOW YOU GET TRUST IN SOMEONE. Its fucking ridiculous. Thank god Michael is in my corner, hopefully drew and bryce too. I am NOT getting 15th right now, no way. I am BETTER than this. i am going to make it work, tim gunn style. maybe its time to break the fajitas and channel their energy once again

Why do I go on the initiative literally ever? I'm clearly bad at it, I wasn't even remotely thinking things through and I SHOULD have let Stephen or someone else suggest someone but no I had to be mildly greedy and wanna send home Matt whom I barely DM.

I already flopped editing the video, and now here I am flopping the social/stategy game that I love playing supposedly.

Of course I tried reaching out to Michael and Drew FOOLISHLY because I wanted to build trust and maybe work with them. So naturally Michael tells Matt because ofc they'd be close as would Drew probably since he and Michael have been together since Day 1. As it stands I'm stuck praying Loris is gonna vote with me and it just sucks because I'm so bad at this game.

I'm trying to keep a cool head right now because there's still time. Stephen and I are trying to work logistics, see if we need to switch the vote to say Michael in case of an idol, but I'm not sure Loris/Bryce would be on board for that.

There's a pretty good chance that I'm definitely dead. But I'ma fight to the bitter end!

Today I learned from Stephen that Kori is in some dangerous water. He I guess said Matt's name to Michael who told Matt and now them and Drew are voting Kori. However Bryce and Stephen and perhaps Loris are all voting Matt. Now this is good if it works because honestly that group having to endure their numbers dwindling is good for my game. It only leaves Jack and Alyssa but I think we better be careful because I can see both of them slipping through the inevitable war zone that is gonna be happening.

Today's been a pretty informative day for me. After losing the immunity challenge by a hair, I was worried because I didn't think I had bonded very well with my current tribe through One World, luckily for me, that doesn't seem to be their biggest concern at the moment.

During the initial stages of the vote, I talked to Kori and the two of us decided Matt would be the easiest target to take out. I was leaning towards voting Matt because we hadn't talked very much, so hearing Kori was on board right away simplified things for sure. Bryce and Loris both seem to be on board with it too so I shouldn't have anything to worry about at this point.

In the morning, things got a whole lot more complicated. Matt found out he was the target through Michael, and began his campaign to get Kori out instead of himself. I'm not entirely sure why Michael decided to do this, but it doesn't make much of a difference at this point. Matt campaigned to me, and I sorta pretended to be on the fence. I was listening to what he said, but Kori is realistically one of my closest allies, there's no way I'm voting him out to side with people I had just met.

Once campaign season got under way, I had a conversation with Chris. Chris tells me that on original Orfeo, him, Loris, and Zach believed there was an alliance of Chloe/Sharky/Drew/Michael formed. This explains not only why Sharky was seen as an easy boot on swap-Tuatha, but also why Michael wants to keep Matt instead of Kori. With Chloe re-joining after tribal, him/Drew/Chloe/Matt would form a tight majority. Without Matt, they're a minority.

I proposed an idea to switch the vote from Matt to Michael or Drew. I said it was because I was worried about an idol, but this alliance is the real reason I wanted to do it. However, Kori, Loris, and Bryce are comfortable with the status quo and since it's not my neck on the line I didn't feel the need to push too hard.

Me, Kori, and Bryce now also have an alliance with Loris, which is cool? I haven't gotten very close with Loris yet but he seems like a smart player tied to Chris and Zach which spells good things for us working together in the future. Assuming I survive this vote and have a future, of course.

hi I think I might make it past final 15 that’s nice umm... I suggested an alliance of me Bryce Stephen Kori to counter the potential power of chloe Matt Michael and drew once chloe joins our tribe because my brain is massive. but now we’re like scared for idols . scary shih anyways like how r u I’m good.

________________________________________________________________

oh huh tribes r gonna be even again next round... so I have to make this conf by default just in case of a you know what wait no anna u said no more 24 hour challenges QUEEN ... thank god I can’t be bothered to delete this so she’s being SENT

Right now there's so many things running through my head with the introduction of Matts vote steal, because realistically i could convince him to give to me or i could keep him around as a potential shield. I don't want to do it to the guy but also a vote steal could shift the tides of the game in my favour later down the line. so it's a difficult decision and one id rather have more time to contemplate.

Wooo ok operation vote steal is a go and next round we’ll be swimming in green hopefully but with one world sis og tribe lines just ain’t it!

God im over this tribal. Like ugh these people really are under Kori's mist so like im probably going home. Do I think i might be able to survive? a small glimmer of hope says yes, but i'm not confident. God im just... so annoyed at this. Im clearly on the outs here and I just HOPE i can pull through i just am so scared. I know if i do leave though that I have fought my damn hardest to stay tonight. Im trying to think of the positives because its hard to do so because im being sad atm.. UGH. the fajitas really have failed me tonight, their light has dimmed and their guidance is no more. i am now with the darkness. we r one.

Oh my fucking god my heart is breaking. Matt is basically in such a deep hole he's going to go home, unless he plays an idol. And Alyssa has an idol. And she doesn't think it's smart to use it on him because Michael says he's just gonna go home next round. His social game hasn't been up to snuff and they're gonna boot him regardless, so she wants to keep us with power and let him go. And I agree with her. Which kills me. I'm usually able to just be a robot when it comes to this like yes I will make the smarter decision if it means I'll be emotionally torn, and this is such an instance. Luckily, it's not my idol to give up. Yes Alyssa says it's "our" idol but it's her call end of the day. I just... fuck. This is all stars man. And I'm actually starting to feel, for once.

Well it's about an hour before tribal and at least on it's surface it would seem Matt is going. I'm not confident though because any number of things COULD happen. I'm hoping there's no idol play, just because I feel like pre-merge just isn't a good look for me.

If Matt does pull something off, then kudos to him, and if it's me that'd make this my final confessional for the season. I've had such an amazing time playing and while I feel like I've been playing a lower key game on purpose I feel like I'm doing what I can to really come into my own. I hope the bonds I've made are gonna stick and that everything works out for us.

But if it doesn't I guess I'll have to find a way to be ok with that. This has been such a unique All-Stars experience so far, and I hope I can take what I've gotten from it and make myself better for it. (Also highkey hopefully this isn't my last confessional and I'm getting sentimental for no reason.)

________________________________________________________________

Kori is voted out 4-3.

[mc-dankenstein]

yup here’s another vent post it’s not really like last time where i was basically in the middle of a fucking breakdown but there’s just too much pent up shit i need to figure out and deal with and i feel like i’m going insane?? uni is literally sucking my will to live from me. or, well, what was left of it i guess. like, i knew it was gonna be bad, but it’s just so much worse than i could’ve ever imagined?? btw this is just gonna be me dumping out all of my stupid problems and pretending they’re valid when in reality they’re just so insignificant compared to what so many people are going through so please just stop reading, i’m not in the mood for sympathy or ppl trying to “make it better”, i know your intentions might be in the right place cause i truly have found some wonderful friends here who i know care abt me, but i cannot find it in me to try and pretend something’s better because of our conversation rn, nor do i have the strenght or the time to actively try and make it better myself. i’m just ranting to get this shit out. of. my. system. bc i feel as if i’m gonna explode otherwise. things are not good. i’ve been crying a lot more and a lot more frequently again, i’ve been having attacks and i’m once again feeling super fucking anxious all the time. i can’t talk to my family about it, i can’t talk to my friends about it, bc the result is always either them telling me “it’s normal” or me bursting into tears out of fucking nowhere and i can’t let them see that. ive been studying nonstop for months now to the point where i can’t sleep properly anymore cause the only things going through my brain are a countdown to my next exam i’m probably not gonna pass and the thought i could at least use the time i’m wasting by trying to sleep to study more. and like everybody’s been telling me it’s okay, no one passes exams on their first year anyway, but we all know that’s not true. even my mom’s been trying to be supportive in her own way but i know it’s just her trying to make me feel better when she’s actually so fucking disappointed in me, she’s always been, especially since i started manifesting all my stupid anxiety symptoms i’d been trying to hide for so long, even if she tries not to show it i know i’m just a disappointment to her. she’s been calling me to ask me how i’m doing and to tell me to relax a bit in between study sessions and each and every time i’ve been on the verge of tears and i had to try and calm my sobs so that she won’t hear them through the phone. it just hurts so fucking much to be so far from what she’d deserve from me, and it hurts to be back to square one after literally everybody told me about how much i’d changed and how much better i seemed to be doing, how much more confident and strong i looked and i feel like a fucking moron for allowing myself to believe what they said. for a while i actually thought “y’know what? i actually am doing better” and yet here i am now, studying my best years away and not even getting any actual results from that other than frustration, anger and disappointment, i still have not passed a single goddamned exam and everybody around me feels like i’m stable enough to carry all of their emotional luggage as well as mine. and i feel like shit about phrasing that last one that way bc it seems like i’m not a supportive friend who only wants to see the people i care about thrive and be well when i like to think i am. this has been such a shit year, right from the start. and it still makes me sick that i wasn’t there for all of them when they needed me the most. in the span of less than two months my new uni friend, the only person i feel like i’ve connected with since i moved to the other side of the fucking country, has been opening up to me about her own anxiety problems, her bad relationship with her family and the fact that uni gave her panic attacks for the first time in her life; one of my best friends from home told me she attempted suicide, and i still can’t think about that without blaming myself for disappearing bc my brain just couldn’t handle shit then and i needed some time off from people in general, so i didn’t text her, i didn’t call her, we just briefly saw each other when i came home for less than a week in may and then a whole week of silence. i KNEW her past experiences, i KNEW she’d been having a lot of issues with depressive episodes and i KNEW she needed me and yet i did the asshole thing and just couldn’t pick up the fucking phone to send her a single text cause i couldn’t handle a conversation with another human being when i was about to shut down completely, and i didn’t know anything about what happened until i finally did text her a week later abt some stupid shit i’d seen on youtube and she told me everything got so bad that she tried to drink bleach and end it all. i would’ve been too late and i didn’t even realize. if she succeeded i would’ve sent that text and nobody would’ve answered. and i’ve been trying to react in the way i think is best for her, and she says i’m really helping bc i know how she feels and what she’s going through, but in reality i honestly don’t know what i’m doing and she’s the second person i know other than me who’s been suicidal, and she’s the second person i’m so terrified to talk to sometimes, even though i know from my own experience they need to have someone who cares about them to reassure them and just be there, because i’m scared shitless i’ll say something and fuck everything up and make it worse for them. i talk to them like i’m so strong since i’ve been through the same things and put up this mask of someone who’s actually better now, but i actually sincerely and honestly have no idea how to handle the situation. and then there’s my other best friend who i honestly have been treating like shit. she’s going through so much and i’ve been so distant and she doesn’t deserve that. even typing this out is exhausting and it’s making me feel so fucking guilty bc i have another exam tomorrow and i should be studying instead, and everyone keeps telling me “just relax, you’ve done enough” or “it doesn’t really matter wheter you pass it or not” except that it does. it does for my mom, it does matter because it would prove that i’m not really wasting my time and my parent’s money to be in a university where i so clearly don’t belong, it does because every time i’ve tried i’ve gotten so frustratingly close to passing that now i’m just fucking angry. i think i had a train of thought i wanted to follow in the beginning but now idk anymore and i’m tired and angry and i seriously need to go study so fuck it, i’ll leave it at this.

[magmasliveblogs]

interlude

aaaaaaaaand im back with the 13th chapter! nothing much to say this time so to the recap: last chapter pisces and the guards met once again! this time erin saved pisces from execution by withdrawing her testimony. 

ooo a new chapter title! i assume since its an interlude we shall not be following erin the [innkeeper]

It took her a long time to clean up all the broken wood. It was just as well she needed fuel for the fire in the kitchen, but it was still a pain to pick up all the splinters. Especially when one got stuck in her hands. But she’d done it, and now it is late.

The night is cool. In her inn, Erin Solstice sleeps.

It’s been a rough day. She dreams about disappearing skeletons and obnoxious mages. She dreams about dragons that breathe fire and Goblins, and about giant lizards eating pasta. She sleeps.

However, countless miles away something else is happening.

ooooooo something else is happening! i wonder what? 

It is at the brink of dawn in this part of the world. Still, many remain awake. They have not slept for hours. And some remain standing despite their exhaustion. Their places are set. Their energies are necessary for the countless glowing diagrams burning bright on the floor.

The onlookers wait in silence as the man in the center continues to chant. His voice is wavering; cracked from the strain of talking for so long. But his faltering words are imbued with a deeper echo that speaks of magic and power beyond mortality. He is exhausted, but his task is nearly done.

The spell is completed.

It’s not a clap of thunder. It’s not the boom of space time being rent. Rather, it is a whisper. And in the same way, light does not flash, but an invisible breeze blows and they are suddenly there.

Humans.

Young men and women. They appear in mid-motion, some sitting, some lying down. Many more appear mid-step or looking up from their smartphones in bewilderment. And as bewilderment fades, surprise remains.

wait, smartphones? smartphones? SMARTPHONES? these are more earthlings! i guess we know they are being summoned 

“What?”

“Where am I?”

“What’s happening?”

Some of the summoned humans cry out in fear. Others try to run in their panic, but find their legs won’t cooperate with them. A few stare around the room, noting the magic runes by their feet, the robed men and mages clustered together, and the watching aristocracy. They observe in silence.

The leader in robes raised his arms and fell upon his knees. He raised his tear-stained face to the heavens as he cried out.

“The Great Heroes of Prophecy are here! We are saved!”

The other robed men around him raise their voices in cries of relief as the mages sag, exhausted, to the floor. Meanwhile the nobility murmur and regard the summoned with calculating eyes.

The humans draw together in fear. But there is no escape for them, and no threat towards them. For now, anyways. They are confused, chosen, summoned, trapped. And they are not the only ones.

i think these mages got their ancient tomes mixed up, modern day earth is not a good place to gather heroes! 

The night is old, and dawn is only an hour away. The countryside is full of chirping crickets, owls, the sounds of insects buzzing, and so on. Or at least, on a normal night it would be. Right now all is silent. Unnaturally silent.

An old man stands outside his home, sword drawn. The night is dark, and by all rights he should be in his home enjoying his dinner. But he’s heard something outside, and he’s gone to investigate. This far out in the countryside he can’t rely on militia patrols to keep him safe.

If it’s a monster of course he’ll run. On the other hand, if it’s a lone Goblin or a sneak thief trying to steal from him he’ll run them off. The old man’s levels in the [Swordsman] class aren’t high, but he’s more than strong enough to defend himself. Still, he’s no fool. If there’s any real danger he’ll hide in his sturdy home and report it to the adventurer’s guild the next day.

“Who’s there?”

He calls into the night and hopes for no reply. But he can sense it…them. Something is standing just out of his sight. His hand is tight on his sword.

And slowly, they approach.

Children. That’s the first thing the old man thinks. They are children.

But then, he is old. They are young, true, but still grown. Still, he cannot  help but think they are children because of how they look. Lost, afraid, and terribly alone despite their numbers.

Still, they are human and clearly no threat, so he relaxes and calls out to them.

“Oh, are you young’uns lost? Come in, come in. The weather’s far too terrible to be out at a time like this.”

The old man sheathes his sword and opens his door invitingly. But none of the children move. They just stare at him. And slowly, he realizes something is wrong as well.

Their clothes are strange. In all his years the old man has never seen such odd attire. But more than that, they seem…different.  He regrets sheathing his sword. Are they some unnatural creatures masquerading as humans? But no, they are human. He senses that instinctively. But why don’t they move?

Their expressions are so terrified the old man knows something is wrong. The hair on his neck tries to stand up. Is it demons? Monsters? But they are staring at him. Is there something wrong with him?

One points a trembling finger at the old man. No; at his belt.

“Is that a sword?”

well it seems the ritual isnt all that good, as its summoning across the world. though this does mean erins teleportation spell gone wrong cover story is technically correct 

And a few, a few simply wander in carelessly.

—-

A young woman pauses mid-step. Her hair is matted with sweat, and bound in a ponytail. An ipod is in her hand, but she pauses the blasting music and stares around. Fifteen armed men and a demon wreathed in fire stop their battle and stare back.

uh hold on, wait, demon? why is a demon just being casually mentioned here?! 

Two twins laugh and turn the corner. The boy tosses his smartphone up as his twin sister scolds him in case he drops it. His hand freezes. The phone shatters on the smooth marble floor of the throne room. A king looks up. Frowns. The royal guards stationed around the room draw their swords at once and charge at the bewildered duo.

this king is about to have a wild day, or these two earthlings are about to die a very sudden and confusing death 

A girl laughs as they drag her from her cell. She is shoved forwards, and trips into something hard and flat. She looks up and sees the adventurer staring down at her. He moves his armor-covered body and helps her up. A woman leans over the counter in the adventurer’s guild and others look around. Some are heroes, some are those who seek heroes. Her wardens are gone. She is free.

this girl? she is never mentioned again, though there is a short fanfic about her! here is a link 

https://docs.google.com/document/d/19IxTw4XxDlbVaj8U9ZF0loTrDGcQ7L32HLRuQZ9CelQ/edit?usp=

Rain falls upon the world. Just for a brief moment. A passing shower of souls. But where they land ripples spread. They are not legends, and nor do they have any special powers save for those all humans have. But they are living. They are alive. And with their arrival, the world shifts.

The night is late. Erin sleeps. She rests her head on a smooth wooden table in an inn sitting on a hill in a plain full of grass. Around her is silence. In her dreams she drools a bit and mumbles about pasta.

She is lonely. But she is no longer alone.

well erin  is no longer our only earthling obviously, though i wonder how long it will take her to meet another? 

this is the end of the interlude! will erin meet any of these people? will the twins survive? will anyone read the fanfic? will we learn more about the demon? find out more as the story develops! 

see you tomorrow peoples, if i havent posted anything within 48 hours ive been teleported to another world, bereft of believers and slowing dying of unbelief.