#anyway theyre impossible im in pain

[sollucets]

they are inSUFFERABLE

[orcelito]

Hey I'm graduating college in may and I just kinda realized that I'll be Done Done with school after that. Not fake-done like I was graduating high school, where I'd have to go to college at the start of the fall. And not fake-done like I was in any of my semesters I took off.

Done Done. As in I accomplished my degree, and I won't ever have to go back to school if I don't want to. What a beautiful, beautiful thought.

[arolesbianism]

I wish So Bad that I could confidently recommend lob corp and library of ruina to people because they're both genuinely rly good games and I also need ppl I know to understand the insanity that is project moon but like godddd they are a fucking Investment. Both in time and in brainpower. I generally think ppl exaggerate how hard lob corp is but it's certainly not easy and when it does get hard it gets HARD. Also it literally requires at least one day 1 reset (basically a new game+) to fully beat the game and at this point I've done at least 10. And for lor I'm not nearly as far in and I'm just scratching the surface of the real game but it's a beast of its own. Also 100+ hours and also hard as hell. Like this game does not fuck around with its difficulty spikes it will make you use your brain and it will give you a damn headache in the process. It's also one of my favorite card combat games I've ever played with mechanics that just so beautifully complement each other to create a dynamic and interesting battle system that gives it a completely different vibe and feeling than any other deck builder games I've played to the point where it almost feels wrong to me to categorize them together. But also I am not even slightly joking abt the headache thing every time I play this damn game I close it with a horrible headache and have to take a multi day break. I think everyone should experience this with me <3

[bas-rouge]

What they don't warn you about dogs is that you'll fall head over heels for multiple breeds and breeders and individual dogs that you know you can Technically afford to have at once but know it would be irresponsible to raise two puppies together when you've never raised one yourself,

[isagrimorie]

in case you still were unsure, the photo of the three female convicts is definitely AI! a few things i can list without thinking too much cause im a sleepy fella:

-the tattoos are all nonsense

-they would not have access to heavy makeup, hair styling products, and the hours of free time those looks require if they were in prison uniforms (they're not really, they're in tight orange t-shirts because it's "sexier", but they wouldn't all be wearing them if it weren't MEANT to be a uniform)

-there are a ton of supposed convicts in the photo with no security around

-the bench is just full of sexy convicts, and none of the legal staff that should be there

-theyre practically identical feature-wise, it would be nearly impossible for them not to be related; if this clickbait video contained a set of relatives being sentenced together, they would be using that fact more explicitly, as part of the bait

-if you watch the video they aren't there

-the "camera" is a weirdly high, glossy quality with an artistic angle and framing. it is not composed like a normal courtroom photograph

-it also can't be a painting, both due to the first reason listed (an artist of this caliber would paint real dang tattoos), and because this would be a several hundred dollar art piece commission & this is a cheap clickbait video someone edited from footage they don't own

-if you look through that channels videos you'll probably find a thumbnail somewhere that you CAN recognize as ai, and from there you can see all kinds of similarities to ones like this where you couldn't

ai art is definitely 'improving', but beyond just visual flaws, critical thinking and research can still help a lot with identifying it as it advances (but i know that's kind of a pain in the ass for most people lol, im just autistic and overanalyze everything anyway, figured i may as well lend that trait out to others who need it)

Thank you for validating my hunch! I thought they were too alike and had the plastic sheen of a CGI character at its second pass!

Honestly disturbing. Because we know technology improves and I hate where it’s going.

[luckyshouse]

ive been in the psychiatric system since i was 11 or 12, my dad is a disabled autistic veteran who was disabled before becoming a veteran, my mom is a schizophrenic woman (she also thinks she has ADHD, i think she has autism.) who is physically disabled, my youngest sister is a semi verbal autistic. my great uncle is in a permanent holding facility due to his schizophrenia. my grandpa is a physically disabled ex firefighter, my uncle is an semi verbal autistic man, my aunt is also schizophrenic and physically disabled. my grandma experiences intense psychotic symptoms and imo is autistic. my great aunt has cereberal palsy, her caretaker is a part of our family. many of my uncles still live with their parents due to physical disabilities or mental disabilities that have made it impossible for them to work. this is why i speak about disability so much. my family is from all over, my dads parents are from mexico and ireland, my moms side of the family is from italy, and one thing that has always followed is disability and specifically ableism. many of us use mobility aides, AAC devices, etc. but one thing i've learned through all of this, is insisting that you are normal and arent disabled will literally rot your body and soul. people ask me how my family ever ended up so fucked up, why my dad is literally a cartoonish villain, why my mom is so crazy. and the answer isn't "theyre mentally unwell people" the answer is "they were literally barred from being who they are and getting the help they needed before they became adults and were constantly having adults in their lives reject and deny the pain they're in and force them through shit like military service or disabling work just to prove their worth and ensure they don't end up homeless and that caused them to lose sight of who they are and what their needs were and there for cut them off from their own empathy and understanding of themselves and other people and caused them to see any signs of disability as a trigger and an immediate scary thing that needed to be corrected"

people assume my family should be aware and educated about their disorders, as if that would've saved them from homelessness. as if having the disorder means you know about it and how to get over it. the reason i talk about disability so much is because literally no one else is willing to. if bringing up disability and ableism is proof that im a narcissist or ignoring other issues, then so be it. no one else is fucking doing it anyways.

[foryouthegays]

i feel like i need to preface this post with it is NEVER FUCKING OK to hurt ur kid etc etc.

anyway

some kids have never experienced pain and i think that negatively stunts their growth

like. ok. i teach aerial. there is no part of aerial that isnt at least a little uncomfortable or painful. most kids are like oof this kinda hurts but i can deal. and im like yeah! [alt version] might feel better or u could try [modification] if its bad but yeah it feels kinda hurty doesnt it? and thats fine! thats a kid expressing what their body is feeling, which is a mild amount of pain, and learning how to deal w it (either by pushing through, changing what theyre doing, or stopping) in a healthy way!

but SOME FUCKING KIDS. havent had a single goddamn papercut in their life. and it SHOWS. i show them something? owwwww this hurtssss i cant do this why does it hurtttt and im like. yeah it does hurt a bit doesnt it? you are sitting on a small metal bar after all :3 why dont you come down take a quick break and let someone else go? and they get off and are like acting as if they just broke their fuckin foot and its just bestieeeeeeee have you never tripped and fell have you never accidentally slammed a finger in the door have u never walked through thorns to get the juiciest berries.

i think kids need to have experience with pain so they can learn what is Uncomfortable what is Pain what is Sore etc. and sheltering kids to the point of them not being able to hang onto a bar for longer than like two seconds--not because they arent Strong enough but because it Hurts their Hands--is literally just setting them back in life.

kids are smart! they learn fast! let them be stupid and make mistakes and get hurt! theyll be smarter for it! idfk its just also kinda impossible for me as a teacher to work w a kid who wants to do all the cool stuff but cant deal w even the mildest of pain bc they havent been exposed to it.

[peri]

suicide tw a little later in the post, kinda heavy, kinda long. sorry i just need to talk about this

i was on youtube yesterday while trying to calm down from spiraling, and before i could find a video i wanted to put on, a 9 year old video my brother posted popped up. it didnt have any more than 10 views. knowing it'd be bittersweet, i clicked.

i was in 90% of the videos he posted. we'd be playing everything together. gaming videos, of course, if you dont know my brother, he's a gamer first person second. but in a well-adjusted way lol. he's like, really good at every game he plays and can beat them really quickly.

on one hand, it was really weird seeing my old self, even in video games. my typing style, the name i used, my character styles, etc. on the other, seeing my brother, young and so close to me, typing slow, awkward... it made me smile.

he and i used to be really close. we'd do everything together. he ... looked up to me. he talked to me. these days we've drifted. we don't ever text unless its a birthday, and then its just to say happy birthday, no conversation. i don't think we've had an actual conversation since i left. but even before then, the last time we really talked was when i was heavily suicidal and opened up about that to him finally. this was in late 2019, i believe.

he was caring, understanding, said he's struggled with it himself in the past, told me everything. and he said he would always be there for me.

it.. broke my heart, one night. we were all drinking, and he ended up getting emotional but none of us knew why. until eventually he started crying and just calling my name over and over. "oh, [deadname].... [name], [name], [name].... [name]! [name]! [name]!" it ripped my heart out, and just recalling it is painful. i knew exactly why he called my name. he was scared. he thought i was going to kill myself, and soon. and to be fair, at that point, i thought i was going to as well. i didn't tell him that, but he knew.

i'm crying lol. no one else ever knew why he did that. but i did. he was drunk out of his mind, so i ended up walking him back to his room and putting him to bed. he made me sit on his bed until he fell asleep. he fell asleep fairly quick, as he was very drunk and out of it. but he didnt want me to leave his side, so i stayed a little longer anyways.

that was the last time we were ever truly close. i wonder if he remembers that.

during my visit back to texas last year, i asked if he was mad at me. if he was ever upset that i left. he said no, he would never hold that against me. which was nice. but it did mean that the reason we drifted was just... for nothing. i mean, dont get me wrong, we'd been drifting for longer than that, the last few years i lived with him, he stayed alone in his room most of the time, and i never knew what to say. he's always been awkward, quiet, anxious, so talking wasnt easy. and i guess growing up made that feel impossible.

he eventually got a girlfriend, after years of me questioning if he was even into the idea of dating and romance at all lol, and she ended up living with us. im glad for her, coz she really turned his life around. but it did mean that i saw him even less. he was occupied with her.

theyre still together btw. his first ever relationship and its been years. good for him.

but anyways... i guess all of this just to say i miss him. i never thought we'd drift. it's hard to think about. hard to acknowledge.

looking back at those old youtube videos made me face that again. he was so young. so happy. so enthusiastic.

he had no idea what would happen.

[fairycosmos]

done that full on crying and sobbing in public shit when i had a friend die in an accident and then when people gave me weird looks i flipped them off. kind of cathartic and its like. who care. im sad and im not gonna hold it in for other peoples comfort (you know like. within reason. i wasnt crying and gushing at my bank teller or something haha)

ugh that whole experience sounds so unbelievably painful and cathartic at the same time but yeah you know the one thing that never surprises me anymore is people's need to feel superior to others. even someone they don't know who is obviously in clear distress. like imagine seeing someone crying and consciously thinking to yourself i am gonna give them a dirty look so they know theyre acting strange. soooo weird and yeah honestly when it comes to grief it's basically impossible to hold it back at first just for other people's convenience like the world can well and truly get fucked when ur mourning. i still feel that way now LOL anyway im really really sorry about your friend. i know words and platitudes are empty so i won't go on about it but i hope you've found ways to honour their memory and keep them around even if it's just by being who you are and who they knew you to be. sending a massive hug. ❤️

[red-dyed-sarumane]

what if i went off about some of my favorite songs ever

kyuuyaku hankagai - hiiragi magnetite: everyone knows i love this. i just love everything about it. we really get both sides of the picture story wise with it- both the fact the world is literally, physically getting destroyed, and all of the mental torment the characters are dealing with. it still has that magu series weird wording but it gets everything across that it needs to. the instrumental is just as heavy as the scenario with added dramatics in parts that really make it for me. all the long notes to simulate screaming. the seamless addition of both the nami no ne no & rute furute woa motifs (& a possible 3rd? theres still parts in here i cant figure out yet) makes me so emotional. if u have no idea about the series its still a solid song. 10000/10 i cannot fully express my love for this song in words i just need it on repeat full volume for weeks on end.

ai wo - null: impossible for me to explain why i love this so much without oversharing. i keep telling myself not to rank this song so high but ive never felt so seen before. null's lyrics are both poetic & still hit every raw emotion where it hurts. the whole being left alone ur whole life & wishing it wasnt that way, that everything wasnt so empty, that someone could love u the way u need & never got. i want everyone to hear this song and i also want to gatekeep it. it became so important to me in such a short time & itll be hard to ever rival it

arikitari heroes - 150suzu: im not immune to nostalgia. shuuenpro is executed entirely different to aru sekai series & i have to judge from entirely different criteria & that said i really always loved how this one sort of summarized the series in a way that highlighted all the strife in it & made it subjective rather than an objective summary. the chorus is so high its like theyre crying out which fits entirely. i still have the video embedded in my mind & its been a hot minute since ive watched it. my teenage self thought it was so deep & even with a different perspective now i cant entirely discount those feelings. anyway i still really love it i could still listen to it for weeks on end if i wasnt busy keeping up with other things. i do not say it lightly when i say this is the song i have listened to the most in my entire life i used to spend Months straight listening to it. beloved.

tachiiri kinshi - mafumafu: i was sooooooo normal about this in high school (lying). its still high on my list of breakdown songs. like damn its been 8 years and it still holds up the same. between this & ai wo that just gives away 90% of my problems. imagine solving isolation by letting people in cant be me. anyway i was obsessed with drawing the girl from the video for a while idk how many doodles i still have left but she was Everywhere on my school work. normal person behavior.

jishou mushoku - nekobolo: song that has pulled the most weight in keeping me alive. where would i be without it. sometimes the mood is so bad this is still the only thing i can listen to some days.

rokuchounen to ichiya monogatari - kemu: the real reason i fell down the voca rabbit hole. still adore the song & find it hugely nostalgic, but there was a reason i connected with it when i was younger & being able to recognize how fucked up that was makes it also a painful reminder id rather bury. song fucks tho love how every rhythm game its in will destroy u trying to play it.

konmei no aji - savasti: regardless of the real meaning of the song this will always be a dissociation song to me not in the sense it makes me dissociate but rather in the spaceyness & disconnect it reminds me of the feeling but in a safer way to deal with it. personally i prefer rire's cover

taishou x - yurry canon: u will appreciate this song now right now its so under appreciated for a yurry canon song. god the fucking "i'm still living the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. as it is i will never be you. theres no reason in living, but just the same theres no point in dying is there?" [punching a wall] i like it a normal amount

kaiko no kanmuri - dopam!ne: god this song fucks so hard and yet its still edgy. i dont even really know how to explain what i feel with this one beyond i love it. its a kind of waiting for the right time to strike for revenge kinda song? idk its my absolute fave dopam!ne song i love a lot of his songs but this one just really does it for me

haru no sekibaku - inaba kumori: kutabireta atashi ga dame dattan da ne. yeah. the overall mood of this song hits just right all too often. sorry lag train this is the defining inabakumori song to me.

hyperlexia - yamaji: the space in this one also gives me a sense of vague dissociation. i just really love the whole reading between the lines not going to fall for lies anymore mood its got going on. a misguided sense of personal revolution that probably wont end in anything meaningful but i particularly like the song.

[metalicats]

thoughts and grief

i'll stop talking specific politics soon, thats not why i'm here or what this is for

idk im just.. mourning here, because a few coworkers voted for the guy so heres my vent space;

im afraid for every queer person in the world we are still so not safe

im so fucking scared for the people of the west bank and then lebanon and iran. holy shit israel is just not gonna stop, and evil orange is gonna help so much

im so sorry for ukraine, i hope the european countries are enough to help you keep resisting

im afraid for my mom and my friends

i regret that i'm never going to go home again

im scared and sad for every single immigrant, or hopeful immigrant, refugee/asylum seeker. please stay safe, i hope you have the best community to help support you and each other holy shit

cowardly traitor jackass 'i immigrated the RIGHT way' people who voted for him because others are DOING it wrong (idiot fucking coworker holy shit) are horrifying uncaring selfish assholes, is it wrong i hope they get whats coming too? that they shouldnt benefit off other's misfortune and pain??

the antisemitism has already been horrifyingly high, but there's gonna be so many more hate acts happening because neonazis feel confident and safe, especially with their police buddy backups.

i hate every single motherfucker who opens their cunt mouth and says 'well hes good for economics' no he fuckin aint show me you understand nothing of long-term economic planning, impact, and goal setting, or macroeconomics beyond your stock market dreams

im so sad and betrayed by every idiot non-white cis guy who think Theyre special and gonna be BEST BUDDIES with these guys and not get deported/denaturalized/banned

i guess doubly so by non cis/straight guys you're even more fucking stupid

i dont know how to politely tell guys here who dream of going to the USA and making it big and becoming Super Rich/Famous how fucking impossible that was anyway, and now its DEFINITELY not happening. but also, thats rude

Im remembering a lot of social groups and relationships breaking down and vanishing during 2016.... people were so depressed, they just straight up Left their internet spheres, and i hope theyre doing okay now.... There will be a lot of blaming and If You Had Justs, and those are both...... correct and depressing but also unhelpful, but i dont think thats gonna change. its just. so depressing that its happening again and its gonna be so much worse....

im aware this will be official in January, but its gonna start ramping up immediately. idek guys. good luck

[h3ad-quarters]

The name felt.. strange to hear from someone else - hell he barely used his own name nowadays. Each movement and sound feeling like it would amount to the end of his life - again.

He saw the small, almost impossible gap that had been made now.. did he dare try and get out of there? he doubted he'd be fast enough to get to the vent out of here, not alive at least..

He did adjust himself, sitting himself up a little and slightly nudging himself towards the slight gap, his eyes flicking back to Sebastian.

"I.. its in the name.. I control nearly everything to do with blacksite.."

he had to play along a little.. maybe he could evade a more painful death if he gave up just enough to satisfy Sebastian. he just couldn't let him find out about the control he had currently on him, reaching a hand up to take off the headset, laying it around his neck instead.

he couldn't call for help anyways.

"Theyre.. most likely looking for me.. Im pretty highly ranked.."

" 'Z-13'," he echoed, mocking HQ's voice, an eye roll some how clear even without visible pupils.

"You're pathetic. I thought you of all the damnable monsters in UrbanShade would have at least TRIED TO FIGHT BACK!"

His anger boils over, the arm not holding the locker impacting on one of the doors with a harsh THUNK. Pandemonium couldn't put more than a slight dent in these things, and yet...

The force used to punch bent the metal door inward, revealing more of HQ where he coward.

"Call me Sebastian, if you would, Old Friend. We've known each other long enough to be on a first name basis."

"What is your name? I don't think I've ever heard anyone refer to you as anything other than Head Quarters... Surely you aren't that unlucky."

"Or do you think I'm so beneath you that you'll once again deny me basic human decency?"

[mariska]

last night while crying from pain i decided i should post more pics of me online at my worst to balance out all the cutesy snapchat filtered pics where my face is like 50% artificially enhanced so heres a v sexy pic of me at about 5:30 am on the couch unable to fall asleep from pain with my hands looking the way they do 90% of the time during winter

[philipkindreddickhead]

I often seen critiques of make up from an existential/philosophical perspective, but I rarely see criticism of cosmetics from a stand point of the very physical bodily harm it does. I think this is because the number of dangerous ingredients is so massive, and overlapping its an absolutely daunting task. So I've compiled the information I've found and bear with me its a lot. (This is from an American perspective. Sorry, thats what I know. However I would love it if people from other countries had things to add.)

First I want to get the "simple" stuff out of the way. I think almost everyone has heard about bacteria and fungi in makeup and that makeup causes acne from clogging pores. Makeup has a pretty strict shelf life, yet consumers are entirely supposed to self-police as Ive never seen a single expiration date on any cosmetic packaging. (I guess consumers are meant to pull this knowledge out of the ether or something. I only found out about it in a tumblr PSA. I did read that expirys are on products in Europe.) Beauty blenders are the worst offender because theyre almost always moist. When I was taught makeup I was told to wet my sponge so it would soak up less product. If you apply makeup daily your sponge is likely constantly damp. USA Today had an article which said that 96% of sponges had fungi and over 60% had E. Coli in them. But I think what people talk about less is the complication of problems from using other products in conjunction with dirty beauty blenders. USA Today warns its especially dangerous to use beauty blenders if you have damage to your skin like acne, cuts, or dry skin. However the most popular beauty products for washing your face contain walnut pieces for literally scrubbing your skin and creating microabrasions. If youre a frequent makeup user you probably know about the cyclical nature of applying foundation, breaking out, and then applying more foundation to cover the breakout. You may even be using scrubbing cleansers more frequently to combat the acne creating more tears. This can lead to "blood poisoning" and, though neither USA today or Forbes mentions this, blood poisoning (not a medical term btw. Its sepsis.) according to numerous medical sites has the potential to be extremely lethal. The symptoms are so similar to a regular flu its nearly impossible to self-diagnose.

The very first thing I was told when a friend handed me a jar of finishing powder- popular with many beauty gurus for the "baking" technique and considered a must have- was a joke about "clown lung." This was a reference to the main ingredient talc. Talc causes lung problems including cancer and respiratory illness. If anyone remembers the large Johnson and Johnson lawsuit from 2019 it was because theyd been putting talc into baby powder. Talc is dangerous because it's impossible to mine and seperate from ASBESTOS. Some high-end finishing powders will try to sell you on safe talc-free formulas but all the products I looked into contained mica instead which causes pneumoconiosis, colloquially known as "black lung disease." Like fucking coal miners get. Its not just present in finishing powder either. In my research it turned out that talc/asbestos are also present in many eyeshadows and other powder products. [Googleable, evidenced in J&J lawsuit]

Another industry to examine is nail salons. Toluene, Formaldehyde, Dibutyl Phthalate, and Methacrylate compounds are all dangerous ingredients and present in various salon products. These ingredients cause a range of problems from dizziness, drowsiness, birth defects, slow fetal growth, future intellectual disabilities in the fetus, eye skin and throat irritation, coughing, allergic reactions, asthma-like attacks, short-term memory loss, nausea, dermatitis, cancer, and misscarriage. Some nail products advertise that they are 3-free meaning that toluene, formaldehyde, and DP should be absent but often the labels are found to be completely inaccurate. It should be noted that the risk is mainly to salon workers and not patrons but ask yourself if it is right to place other people at serious risk for your aesthetic. OSHA does make an attempt to mitigate these risks however not once in my years of makeup queen did I see a salon following these directives which include constant air monitoring, half mask respirators with chemical cartridges, gloves, long sleeves, and safety glasses. (And Im not even going to touch issues of human trafficking/slave labour out of nail salons one case of which occured 5 days ago two hours away from me) It should also be noted that formaldehyde can also be found in hair relaxers and hair dyes. [Found articles in Scientific American and NYT]

I also found on the FDAs website that many cosmetics include heavy metals like arsenic, mercury, and lead. (Usually accompainied by a picture of lipstick so I assume that is the product most likely to contain it, however campaign for safe cosmetics lists foundation as containing heavy metals, and The Guardian has an article about skin lighteners from Asia and Africa containing mercury.) The website stated that the amount of these heavy metals in cosmetics is "safe" if used as intended. (and I'm going to come back to the concept of "intended use" later because thats a can of worms too) However, when searching for info on heavy metal safety I found this quote in regards to metals in food:

"Certain metals, such as arsenic, lead and mercury, have no established health benefit, and have been shown to lead to illness, impairment, and in high doses, death. Understanding the risk that harmful metals pose in our food supply is complicated by the fact that no single food source accounts for most people’s exposure to metals in foods. People’s exposure comes from many different foods containing these metals. Combining all of the foods we eat, even low levels of harmful metals from individual food sources, can sometimes add up to a level of concern"

So like, which is it? Is it a "safe amount" or is no amount of metal safe? I understand that in the case of certain foods like fish some amount of mercury poisoning is always expected but fish is also something you feed yourself and nourish your body with while cosmetics are completely unecessary to your survival. The mercury problem in fish is also mitigated by health warnings when mercury levels are particularly high but cosmetics have no such warning. Another warning on the site indicated that children should ingest NO amount of lead AT ALL because it is particularly harmful for kids yet theres no effort to stop children from using lead-containing cosmetics. I worked next to a Five Below where I was shocked to find they sold Jeffree Star and Anastasia eyeshadow dupes for five dollars which amounts to fucking pocket change for a lot of kids and kids do buy that stuff. I also think its ironic the FDA would have anything to say regarding cosmetics because in the very same article about heavy metals in cosmetics the FDA says that they DO NOT REGULATE cosmetics beyond the color additives.

Mascara, eyeliner, lipstick, and brow tint often contain carbon black. This is a color additive that is an incomplete combustion of carbon-based products. It can cause lung disease, cancer, and organ system toxicity, and eye, nose, throat irritation. The effects are mainly studied in rats and those at biggest risk are industrial workers but why do other workers have to endure lung problems for something so unecessary? [Easily googleable, NIH, CDC, WHO Europe]

This next bit I only want to mention briefly because I didnt find any particularly reputable sources about it, but its a claim that cropped up repeatedly and I think its an interesting one. Parabens, estrogen, phthalates (again), and pesticides in cosmetics are apparently linked to endocrine disorders and hormone dysregulation. Im not entirely sure what is meant by this accusation. Endocrine disorders include female diseases like PCOS and possibly endometriosis. None of these diseases is very well studied and the female endocrine system itself is not well studied either. Im not saying "cosmetics cause PCOS" because we dont know if PCOS or these other endocrine/hormonal disorders are genetic or environmental or both (it appears that PCOS is largely genetic and Endometriosis is likely autoimmune related) AND we dont appear to know for sure that cosmetic ingredients cause endocrine disorder. But I include anyway for a number of reasons:

If you happen to struggle with hormonal problems you may want to know cosmetics is a potential environment factor.

These conditions are incredibly painful. It will be a battle getting your doctor to even acknowledge that pain for diagnosis. PCOS is linked to diabetes, and heart disease. [Thanks @mother-of-pearl ] There is no cure and the treatments are often throwing hormonal birth control at it and hoping for the best.

I dont anticipate the link between cosmetics and endocrine disorders being studied any time soon or any endocrine disorders studied at all because the medical/scientific field is sexist. I dont want women to suffer in the mean time.

Now again, take this with a grain of salt because I couldnt find scientific or news sources for it. Dont fucking come for me. Im not gonna respond to you. [Most reputable source was a paper from the library of medicine at the national institutes of health but it was behind a paywall and I dont have 39 dollars to be right on tumblrdotcom]

Avoiding these ingredients is not as simple as scanning the label for them. As many beautubers and the community are no doubt aware considering multiple scandals over veganism. Products advertised as vegan or cruelty free but contain non-vegan carmine or are sold in China which legally requires the products to be animal tested. Cosmetic companies will hide ingredients claiming they are "trade secrets" or they will be placed under "fragrance." Many ingredients will be known by six or seven different names and asking consumers to be aware of seven different names for multiple ingredients requires consumers to be aware of innumerable different, often complicated ingredient names. I shouldnt have to point out that's a ridiculous burden to place on women. The EU banned 1,300 hazardous ingredients that the US did not. Cosmetic companies rely on women being unwilling/unable to bring in a list of 1,300 ingredients- with multiple names- every time they pop in to the drug store, sephora, or wherever. Buying "natural" products will not help you either. Theres no established criteria for natural/organic in costmetics, the FDA doesnt test these products, and "natural"=/= safe anyway. Plenty of plants and minerals are poisonous. One good example is traditional kohl products which advertise their natural status but also naturally contain lead and reiterating that natural powders contain mica. US courts are rarely on the side of consumers either. I found an interesting lawsuit against St. Ives for their apricot scrub taken to court for their "dermatologist tested" label despite it causing breakouts and cuts to the skin. The courts ruled that this label was fine because it only indicated that the product was TESTED not APPROVED by dermatologists. However I think any rational consumer would look at this label and assume the tests concluded it was safe for use or else why put the label on there?

[Googlable XMONDO drama, googlable laws wrt china and eu, already stated about FDA, FDA website about Kohl. Googled St. Ives lawsuit.]

I want to return to the idea of "intended use." This is sort of a fucky concept a lot of companies have ways of getting around. My "last straw" with makeup had to do with a run-in I had with Anastasia over their "Riviera" eyeshadow palette. In this pallette they had two colors that were the real feature of the palette, an electric neon purple and a radioactive pink I mean every photo, every promotion has these two colors swirled together around the eye. Because again, its an eyeshadow palette. When I buy the eyeshadow palette of course there's a little insert warning in the package that says these two shades are not intended on the eye area. In an eyeshadow palette. Contacting their customer service they told me that these two shades were meant to be used as a blush. neon purple blush. Not only that, but their website and instagram featured NO models wearing the shades as blush while EVERY model one or more of the shades as eyeshadow. When asked about this discrepancy ABH stopped responding. What I find egregious about this is the amount of people who dont know, and then more staggeringly; dont care. The sephora clerks didnt know, the in store abh representative didnt know, their customers didnt know, and when I told them they would respond with "oh, [brand] did the same thing with their [shade]." Sure enough, when I demanded that store clerks open the packaging to look for warnings nearly every product had an "eyeshadow" that was not intended for use on the eyes. Relegating dark, red-toned teal to "contour" and neon grean to "highlighter" US-based cosmetic junkies will say that these pigments have been approved for use by the EU however I found absolutely NO evidence of that. I googled it a thousand ways but all I ever found were blog posts, reddit comments, and one quote from an apparently nonEuropean layman in an Insider article. I even changed my location to France on ABH's website and the Norvina palette still contains the same warnings (not to harp on ABH in particular. I just know which shades in particular are the problem there). The Insider article noted that brands who were selling pressed pigments declined to comment. If the pressed pigments were EU friendly, I would think companies would be clamouring to say so. It also still makes their market as eyeshadow colors illegal in the US. (If any Europeans would like to chime in I'd love that.) Another problem I find with cosmetics companies and their reps is the claim that the worst thing that could happen is eye irritation for those with sensitive eyes and staining. How could they possibly know? The FDA doesnt test, or approve these cosmetics in the eye area, so ostensibly no one should be using it that way.

The next one is a bit of a "duh" but I'm going to talk about it anyway. Counterfeit cosmetics are a booming market full of untold dangers. Untold primarily because these products could contain literally anything. Ive read about glue, arsenic, lead, feces, staph, and horse urine to name a few. The labels and ingredient list on these products are fake. Legitimate brands often unintentionally play into the counterfeit market. They create artificial scarcity by making less of the product than is actually needed for consumer demand to create an even higher demand. If consumers miss out often their only chance at getting the product is to turn to counterfeits. I found examples of women who had their lips superglued, lips "turned to goo" and burned to blistering, throat closures, women with stys, contact dermatitis, eye infections. I think we as a society turn a blind eye to this problem because we think "hey, if youre buying counterfeits for a discount and you get hurt you deserve it." We imagine idiots buying products for 4 dollars from ebay or perusing Canal street for FEИTY beauty. But these counterfeits can be really convincing. I myself received a gift of a huda palette that I only recognized something was weird about it because I'd swatched it at sephora about five times earlier that month. The person who bought it for me actually paid MORE than the usual cost for the palette because it was advertised as a newer, better edition. The websites can be disturbingly similar. For instance Kylie Jenner's legitimate website is KylieCosmetics.com but you can find fakes at kyliecosmeticsshop.co.uk. These fakes can buy ad space and be one of the first sites that populate when you google the products instead of typing the legitimate site into the address bar. Counterfeits can also be bought and sold through third parties on websites like ebay, wish, and amazon. (My gift actually came from Amazon.)

[Netflix doc "Broken" ep "Makeup Mayhem" Corroborated by personal experience and google]

[vampiredecay]

What Did You Call Me?

A/N: hello!! this is my first x reader and im very excited. this wasn't requested or anything, i just had this scene stuck in my head and i needed to write it down. i hope yall enjoy!!

rating: teen

wordcount: 1,317

warnings/notes: swearing, playfighting, mentions of scratching + biting, no ones actually hurt tho, use of the word "fruit", yall will see lmao, marko x male!reader, male pronouns used, vamp!reader, implied poly!lost boys, or at least implied parko but marko is also sweet with the reader, but theyre all in love with each other <3 i think thats it!

summary: marko was wrestless, as usual, and wont leave you alone. playfighting and fluff ensues!

Everyone was chilling in the hotel, it was pouring outside like nobody's business. One would think that they wouldn’t care, but the rain made it incredibly difficult to get around, even to big bad vampires. Plus, food would be scarce anyway, no one wanted to get drenched out tonight.

---

Marko would just not leave you alone.

Star and Paul were sitting together in one corner of the cave, Paul rummaging through his tapes and Star sewing and patching up some old clothes. She was trying to teach him a thing or two, but he was only half paying attention, too caught up in trying to find one specific tape. The search was not going well.

David, Michael and Dwayne were playing card games, sprawled out on the floor and swearing. You didn't know how intense their games could possibly be, but they were all concentrating like their lives depended on it. You think that maybe Dwayne was winning, but you didn't know, not paying close enough attention.

You were trying to read a book peacefully on one of the many couches that littered the hotel, but a certain small blond vampire was hellbent on getting your attention. Marko could never stay still for long, always had to be moving or doing something. Usually Paul would handle that, roughhousing or flying or other activities with him until he was too worn out, but this time he was putting all of his energy into bugging you.

Marko was currently chucking things at your head, soft things like paper or pillows, and laughing when you looked over to scowl at him. You tried your best not to give into his antics, but you've been stuck on the same paragraph for ten minutes, and you were starting to lose your patience.

"Marko, quit it."

The little bastard was just giggling, you could hear him moving around from behind you, but at this point you were too tired to care. After a few seconds, Marko grew quiet, which should have raised your alarm bells, but instead you were led under a false sense of security.

But then, last minute, your hearing caught footsteps, but before you could turn around or react- Marko was pouncing on you and laughing maniacally. You shout in surprise, your book going flying as Marko pinned you against the couch.

"Fuck! Marko!" You squirmed and tried to get out from under him, but he was an older vampire than you, and he was a good deal stronger.

Star looked up from her sewing to see the commotion happening, and she raised an eyebrow. "Marko, stop tormenting Y/N, leave him alone."

You continue to struggle, wiggling your arms and legs in an attempt to throw him off. "Yeah!" You shout, frustrated, "Let go of me, you fuckin fruit bat!"

Suddenly, it was deadly silent. Paul stopped looking through his tapes, Michael, David and Dwayne looked up from their game on the floor, and Star was staring, eyes wide. Marko looked like he was trying to process what you just said. You barely realized what you said yourself.

The silence was interrupted by Paul's loud laughter. He howled and clutched his sides, he could not believe what you just said! This sparked a chain of the others laughing as well, even Star couldn't keep from chuckling.

Marko sat up and let go of your arms, still straddling and you, his eyebrows furrowing, "What the hell did you call me?"

"He called you a fruit bat!" Paul shouted, still laughing hysterically. You tried to keep a straight face, but you eventually burst into laughter, forgetting what you were even annoyed about.

The small vampire on top of you immediately grabbed a hold of you and rolled the both of you off the couch and onto the floor. You let out a scream, wrestling Marko until you somehow came out on top, pinning his arms against his head. You smirked at him. "Am I wrong?"

"Fuck you!" He shouted, but it was behind laughter, and a bright smile that made you dizzy for a few seconds. Marko saw this window of opportunity to break out of your hold of his wrists and lunge for you, sending you flying back on the ground. While you and Marko were grunting and cursing and rolling around on the floor, the others were laughing and yelling encouragement at the two of you.

"Kick his ass Y/N!" Michael said, while Paul hollered, "Marko baby, you got this!"

Wrestling with Marko always felt like wrestling with a baby mountain lion. He was all teeth and claws, biting and scratching, not afraid to play dirty. It hurt in the moment, but the both of you healed quickly, allowing you to land a good kick to his shoulder. It threw him off, and you smirked, quickly running behind him and locking your arms around his neck. The blond swore and gripped at your arms, but you held tight, refusing to give up.

This lasted for all of fifteen seconds however, because Marko got crafty. He planted his feet, took a deep breath, and then threw himself back, making you land on the ground hard. You wheezed as pain shot through your spine and Marko got up, not wasting any time. He quickly rolled you over and had you on your stomach, arms bound behind you as he straddled your back. You fought and struggled, but it was impossible to get the upper hand in your current position. Eventually, you had to throw in the towel, your spine was seriously starting to regret this.

"Alright, alright!" You said, out of breath and exhausted, "I yield! Get the hell off of me."

More laughter and clapping could be heard as Marko chuckled and let you go. He did a little bow as you rolled over and sat up, catching your breath and playfully glaring at your pack mates, the traitors. Once Marko was done being smug, he turned towards you and held out his hand for you to grab. You grasped his hand, and the blond hoisted you up, almost knocking you right into his chest. Marko gives you a shit eating grin. "You put up a fight, I'm impressed."

You roll your eyes and playfully shove his shoulder, fighting a yawn forming in your throat. "Shut up." You reply, too tired to come up with a clever response. Markos' expression softens, and he gently checks you over, even though it isn’t really necessary. “I didn’t really hurt you, did I?” You shook your head, but your chest filled with warmth. “I’m all good, killer.” He smiles at you real wide, then grabs your hand and leads you to the couch.

When you're both in front of the couch, Marko flops down, wiggling around to get comfortable, then motions you to join him. You fight back a smile before gently moving, placing yourself on top of the smaller vampire, your head resting on his chest, just below his chin. Marko wraps his arms around you, and you let out a large breath. You place a small kiss on his collarbone, which makes him hum happily, and you chuckle softly. Sure, the fighting was rough, but you could always count on Marko to make it worth it in the end.

As the two start to drift off, the rest of the pack go back to what they were doing, but not without sharing glances and smiles with each other. Michael, David and Dwayne go back to their card games, Dwayne having won in the end, and Paul turns to Star to listen to their mini sewing lesson.

All is calm now, in the hotel-cave, the rain having let up a tad, now a steady beat tapping outside their home. None of them could complain, really, about this turn of events. Sometimes, it's better to just have a quiet night in doors.

[thisdreamplace]

ashamed to say the 3D reflects our true inner reality, yes? my ENTIRE family has turned against me, after some atrocious conflicts in which they all ganged up on me nd judged me, name-calling, very hurtful things too, provoked me. i been dealing with some serious mental uh 'issues' on my own nd when this happend i was already on the verge of a breakdown nd the good news is while the conflict happened i kept telling myself theyre only reflecting me u can get thru it etc. Later i looked at the hard facts nd realised some of the hurtful things they said were my deep secret feelings abt myself. BUT my question is why the HELL cant they talk to me like normal people? confronting one person vs whole family, why?! i felt so small nd like an object, nd not a single person defended me. am i not a part of the family?

Part 2 is simply its been a week and theyve still been cold towards me as if I yelled AT THEM ABT THEIR PAINFUL 'tRuThS' in front of EVERYONE LMAOOO. At first if i was around we'd have dinner together while they'd all talk to each other like best friends aka sickeningly overly friendly while completely IGNORING me while i sat there. i could tolerate it. I WAS PISSED AT THEM TOO Now its too painful. They're having dinner without telling me, yesterday didnt leave enough food for me knowing i hadnt eaten, serve tea/snacks without my portion. i honestly feel so unspeakably trigered nd sad. worst is these things r reminding me of deep school memories when id feel excluded like this by other kids at parties or class activities nd its like im back there. anyway im glad i controled myself a bit nd didnt counter with horrid things abt them to THEM yet they think they can say the same to me. im so hurt rn i cant even tell u lol i was okay the whole week but now its too much,, ive been crying the whole day

thing is, ik this seems like 'im a victim oh noooo they ganged up on meee'. Nope its more like how do i change myself to change them?! u could say why not talk to them how they made u feel, except whenever ive defended myself in the past regarding hurtful things they/anyone in family did, the siblings/parents would say irritating things like: "oh so YOU'RE the one hurt? Oh thats right, its because YOU'RE right! yes, yes, you're always right. Forgive me for saying anything against the perfect person u are." Or one of them says: "You?! I hurt YOU? What about me? You don't care about me! So you think what ur doing is okay?" or "no, who do YOU think u are to tell ME what to do?" it just goes in circles like this! i dont deserve to hurt myself or do smth to myself even if they dont give a damn, even if years of silent suffering of the 'mEntAL pRoBlEms' (which my lovely parents have already told me is my fault years ago, hence why I NEVER show it to them, unless im crying too much then lol they just mock me, but idc abt THAT bcoz now ik i hav a right to let out my emotions)). i mean this is worse rjan usual. its kinda insane nd when guests come they start talking to me as if nothing's wrong then when they leave, they ignore me!

this whole twisted dynamics, feelijf left out nd helpless is ig some crazy assumptin from childhood of being alone nd unable to defend myself. plus when they argye with anyone, they become overly self-righteous nd over the years its clear they can only scream, blame the scapegoat and never talk abt serious matter like normal ppl. And yes, in the past when i bring this up, they like to reply with stuff like: "no YOU'RE the one who doesnt talk to US bla bla" like, when i do u just shut me down? have belittled my mental 'issues', mocked me when im at my worst, stabbed me with cruel silent treatments nd thinking its alright "bcoz of self-righteousness blegh". Or maybe i think its okay for them to punish me? or whatev? Like law says u get what u r. if these ~~~ keep doing this to me, im doubly ashamed to say this means im the one at fault?! i let this monster assunptin grow nd now idk what to do. the worst thing imo is how i failed to tell them,even if they ignored me in the past, how i feel when anything like this or a conflict happens nd none of them stand up for me, or at least are neutral to me. bcoz now if i do, they say nope, u dont care what we do, YOUR the shameless one :! so yeah they hav the advantage of 'numbwrs' while im too afraid to stand up for myself lol. btw they never apologize nd i suspect they expect ME to apologize to TYEM bcoz everything's already ruined bcoz of 'me'..... i give up on them, i really do, but my heart hurts. Either i harden my heart, nd save up to move out, OR i try to change my self or whatev assumptins i have. But how do i do that? i try afirming: "my familys so nice to me, im respected by them" but it feels so fake tears literally enter my eyes lol

firstly i want to say, thank you for coming here to vent and being open about your feelings. it’s so important sometimes to just let it all out, without holding back. so that way you can move forward more bravely, to create the life you truly want to experience. that being said, i am going to be completely honest with you here in hopes that perhaps it may inspire you and you will be ready to do what is needed for the life you truly want to experience.

“BUT my question is why the HELL cant they talk to me like normal people?” -> “i felt so small nd like an object, nd not a single person defended me. am i not a part of the family?” here is your question, and here is your answer. i think that being completely honest when venting your feelings can actually be so helpful, because if you read back what you have said, you will be able to clearly find the patterns that are creating your personal hell. FEELING IS THE SECRET. ASSUMPTIONS HARDEN INTO FACT. the true way you feel, becomes your experience. Feelings/assumptions/beliefs come first, and the experiences come second to confirm them. That’s all that’s happening here.

i am glad that you were able to keep your reactions to a minimum! that's wonderful and as many of us know, it can sometimes be hard to do in such hurtful circumstances. but you managed to do it, this shows just a small glimpse of the power you truly hold within. although emotionally you may feel out of control, there is still the choice to choose better for yourself which you demonstrated through your reaction to them. good for you!

the truth is, you acknowledge the victim mindset to seem like you’re not engulfed in it, but no, you’re still very clearly engulfed in it. as i have said before, you can’t be a VICTOR and feel bad about it. feeling bad about taking responsibility, about everyone is you pushed out, about any of these types of concepts automatically shows a victim mindset. talking to them won’t do anything, because there are no second causes. you could talk to them nicely, you could be the nicest person in the world. but you can’t pretend your way out of your inner world. your inner world is the one and only cause of your experiences. until you change the story you tell yourself, they will stay the same. this is a hard pill to swallow sometimes. and it can feel heavily, because it’s ultimately only you’re choice. they can’t change until you do. the heaviness of the situation may make it seem impossible to turn around, but that’s just an illusion. your emotional attachment to the situation makes it seem so real and hard to change, but no. that’s just an illusion too. however, it’s ultimately your choice. Do you want to take responsibility for your life, or do you want to keep being tossed around like your lost at sea, victim to the merciless angry waves? Because we always have a choice. No one chooses your inner world, you do. No one can go into your mind and decide things for you, that’s only your job.

you can harden your heart, but who would be the one who suffers more? It won’t be your family, i can assure you. it’ll only be you. by doing that, you keep that old story alive and therefore you keep experiencing it. you keep those stories alive that are desperately showing themselves to you, saying “LET US GO.” but you remain identified with those painful stories, so you grip onto them tight. you keep on thinking of possible reasons for their behavior, but you could just read your entire ask back to yourself and you’ll see every reason. your reactions, your beliefs about them, your emotional pain. its your refusal to let those things go, and focus on what you truly want that keeps you in this state and keeps them in this state. sure it’s painful to face the responsibility at first, but it’s not a blame game. thinking its about blame is just a misunderstanding of the teachings. it’s not about they’re so perfect and you’re so not, so you have to change your ways. it’s about this is how life works here. this is about... you can ONLY ever experience self. whatever is going on within, will be reflected in your outer world. it’s about how they can’t change, UNTIL YOU DO. so instead of feeling sorry for yourself, you have to decide to give yourself the gift of a wonderful life because you have that power too. you stop deciding they can be in control of your experience, and you decide your experience yourself.

to change your assumptions, stop trying to affirm over them and actually face what’s keeping you from believing in your desires. yeah, it’s going to be painful and uncomfortable. but you need to face the pain that you’re running away from, so that it can finally be released. you have to realize, it only stayed true because you believed it to be true. and if you are to live a life free from that story, and experience a more desirable story, then you must let the pain go. give yourself love and grace as you work through it, and know that there is a more beautiful side of life that awaits for you to accept it in.

No One To Change But Self

There is Nothing to Forgive

How to Sit with Your Triggers

give yourself the time you need, it's not race. the love that you wish to experience exists, allow it in. 💖