#pics of me looking like im constantly having a way better time alive than i actually am a majority of the time

[mariska]

last night while crying from pain i decided i should post more pics of me online at my worst to balance out all the cutesy snapchat filtered pics where my face is like 50% artificially enhanced so heres a v sexy pic of me at about 5:30 am on the couch unable to fall asleep from pain with my hands looking the way they do 90% of the time during winter

[ledamemangociana]

this is not a happy post

apologies in advance, especially to anyone who followed me coz of my various gifsets; i know this kind of thing isn’t what you’re here for. 

i’m unfortunately prone to a venting a lot and lengthily when my depression, anxiety and self-esteem issues get the better of me. most of the time, im feels-vomiting on my twitter, mostly coz i havent used my tumblr quite as regularly as i used to 6, maybe 7 years ago. i’m mostly doing this here now coz i feel like i need the writing momentum to not be stilted by having to click the “add new tweet” button over and over again.

so. i’m turning 35 two weeks from now. and it is getting to me, possibly because of the situation that the pandemic has kept me in for the past year and a half, maybe because 35 feels like a milestone adult age, maybe because turning 35 means 40 is right around the corner. and the closer my 35th birthday is, the more i’m plagued by thoughts of where i am now, where i’m probably supposed to be as an adult, where i wanted to be, and the thought that i’m just never gonna be good enough to not be who and where i am now.

in feb 2020, i started my new job as the digital marketing manager for a pair of upscale hotels, the biggest deal of a job i’ve ever gotten since i started working in late 2011, and the biggest paycheck i’ve ever signed on for too. for the first time in a long time, possibly in forever, the few big dreams i had ever had for myself seemed to be attainable; it felt like they could become goals. a solo trip to japan, getting a place for myself instead of living in the family condo, growing my collections, maybe having an actual social life, those kinds of things seemed within reach.

and then, literally a month into my new job, the country went into lockdown, and legitimately has never come out of it. my work situation changed drastically, to the point where i ran up both of my credit card bills before the year was over (i literally only just got one of them fully paid off last week, and only because my sister was a HUGE help), and i was living off the limited family funds and relying on dad to take care of me. i had a freelance client for a handful of months, only for them to drop me without word at the end of our contract, leaving me without a chunk of the only funds i was making on my own for a while. i’m now working sporadically at my regular job, with a significant cut to my paid hours and therefore my paycheck, but the tasks list just seems to grow longer with each task that i check off of it, leaving me overworked and underpaid (but of course,i know im not alone or special in this, some people have it far worse than me and i’m grateful that i even have a regular work schedule, even if it does look the way it does). im 260 lbs., wearing size 22 or 24 clothes, somewhat sickly and prone to constant painful gout attacks that make it difficult for me to walk, living in a condo unit owned by family because they’re letting me live here, making only a third of the salary i normally should at work without the panemic, subsisting on junk food and softdrinks (it’s an addiction) because much of my money leaves my wallet and goes to paying bills and loans as soon as the money comes in, alone, unloved, unlovable, as prone to hyperfixation as i’ve ever been, and putting up with constantly re-attaching bromides and instax pics that keep falling off of my recently completed anime wall.

i’m 34 years old. i’m turning 35 in two weeks.

you know who else is 34/35 this year? the local barangay captain, a member of the local govnerment unit, who was one of my classmates in grade school and high school. a few years ago, i had seen a tarp across the street advertising her local work-out and yoga classes.

i’ve always hated the question “where do you see yourself 5 years from now/10 years from now/in the future?” because i’ve never been able to truthfully answer it, even when i wasnt an emotionally unstable mess (which was all the way back in elementary). i close my eyes and try to imagine it, and nothing ever comes up. i’d like to think i have an active enough imagination to have been able to write fanfic a lot back in the day, so you know it’s bad when i can’t even imagine a lofty future for myself. at this point in my life, i can’t even say “just simply alive” because i truly don’t know if i will be, i don’t see it. that’s fatalistic, maybe, but i really have never been able to imagine myself living to 40, let alone past that. anything i want for myself remain dreams, things i dont deserve because im not thin, pretty, smart, cultured, skilled. and the closer i get to 40, the less of that already non-existent future i see. 

and it’s just depressing, you know. like. it’s already so hard being depressed about and hating myself WITHOUT this added thought of “you are only growing older and fatter and are headed literally nowhere and everyone your age is far more responsible and mature than you could even dream you’d ever be” mixed in there too. maybe this is just me beating myself up and being my own harshest bully, but what’s stopping me from believing that i deserve this bullying of myself by myself, lmao. 

i dread every birthday. i stopped dreaming things for myself a long time ago. these are all things i just know i can’t and won’t ever live up to, because i’m just this useless sack of potatoes rotting away in the corner of some barn while everyone else is finding some use for themselves and able to make lemonade out of their own lemons, and stuff like that. and yet knowing i’ll never be those things or have those things makes me sad. for someone with a laundry list of negative things about myself i’ve just learned to accept so i can somehow function, having that list sure does make me sad. and it probably shouldn’t, if im so resigned to all of this, but maybe that’s just what happens when you hate yourself - there will always be a reason for you to hate yourself.

oh, and i think i’m coming down with carpal tunnel in my left hand. great.

[eury--dice]

history, huh?

chapter 3: propius

(check the rb for chapters 1 + 2 on tumblr + ao3 links!)

Adam was woken at 5 o’clock on the dot with a series of sharp knocks on his door. “Up and Adam,” Gansey’s voice called, making the one stupid dad joke that always set Adam’s blood to a boil. He was too tired to react, however.

“Kindly leave until a later time,” he called, his voice heavy with sleep. “I don’t have class for another three hours.”

Gansey opened the door anyway, striding in with more pep than anyone should have in the morning.

“You’ve made the tabloids, my friend. Your weekend with Ronan finally hit.”

“Did you sleep at all?”

“Nope,” Gansey said cheerfully. “‘From America, With Love: Ronan and Adam flaunt friendship.’” He turned on his heel once he’d crossed the length of the room, which Adam could never forget was formerly Malia Obama’s, and seated himself in Adam’s desk chair.

Adam had never been closer to considering strangulation. He elected to shove his hearing ear into his pillow instead.

Unfortunately, the muffled sounds of Gansey speaking still made their way in. “‘Photos: Adam’s Weekend in England,’ oh, that’s boring…ah-hah: ‘New Bromance Alert? Pics of FSOTUS and Prince Ronan.’”

Adam resigned himself to his fate and mentally promised himself a giant cup of coffee. “As long as I’m getting fewer death threats on Twitter, I’m happy,” he mumbled into his blankets.

Gansey ignored him. “Why are you so tired? It’s the hour of kings, time to be awake and alive.”

“I’d settle for dead if it meant I could sleep at this point, to be frank.”

“Please don’t be frank. Be Adam.”

Adam sat up, eyeing Gansey in his wire-framed glasses with disdain. “Any more puns and I suffocate myself with this pillow.”

“Please don’t,” Gansey said, but his eyes had already returned to his screen. While he read through the articles, he continued his line of questioning. “Working on the campaign late last night?”

“Not really,” Adam admitted. “I had a Press and the Presidency paper to write.”

“Just write ‘I’m Adam Parrish’ on a piece of loose-leaf paper to turn it in and you’ll probably get an A. You live it every day, for Christ’s sake.”

“And yet I still need to cite sources in Chicago Advanced.”

“You’d think nepotism would work out more in your favor.” He flicked to a fresh article, a gesture Adam only recognized from all the other times Gansey had done it. “Luckily, I think the press is eating this one up.”

Adam grimaced. “Fantastic.”

“Not-campaign-ruining, you mean.”

“That too, I suppose.” He wanted nothing more than to flop back against his pillows and get the sleep his body so desperately craved after being jet lagged for a week, but he fought the urge.

“That _ People _exclusive takes the cake, I think. I didn’t realize how much you cherished your relationship with Ronan.”

“Fuck off, please. Or end my misery.”

“No to both. Why are you even taking that press course?”

Adam slid out from under his blankets, rolling his shoulders to try and wake up more. “Curiosity, I guess. It never hurts to learn more of what not to do.”

Gansey looked up from his phone to level a glance at Adam. “And what have you learned so far?”

“…Don’t have a sex scandal?”

“You _ would _need someone to tell you that.”

_ “Hey,” _Adam said, affecting outrage.

Gansey lifted his thumb to run over his lower lip, tilting his head consideringly. “One of us three will probably have a scandal before your mother’s second term is up.”

“If there is a second.”

“Chin up, young padawan. With you working on it we’re guaranteed.”

“I don’t know, Gansey,” Adam replied. “I don’t think I’m the good luck charm you believe in.”

“Of course you are,” Gansey said. “We won the first time, no?”

Adam glanced exaggeratedly around the room and to the phone in Gansey’s hand. “I’d say so. That or we’re about to get questioned very thoroughly about the the events of last three years.”

“Don’t make me cut you off on the true-crime videos.”

His eyes narrowed, focusing on Gansey. “Don’t you dare.”

“Blue agrees, anyway,” Gansey said, successfully deflecting topics. “Said there’s a ninety-four percent chance you’ll get into a sex scandal before the general.”

“Both of you date more than I do, why am I the one who’s supposedly having a sex scandal?” Once his initial outrage passed, disbelief crept in at the time of day. “Did you just text Blue at five AM and get a response? How the hell did you manage that?”

“She’s been up,” Gansey dismissed. Adam stared at him for a moment, and then Gansey seemed to feel the weight of his stare. His eyes widened almost comically. “Oh, Christ, no, not that. Nate Silver asked for another set of eyes on the Superbowl predictions, and she’s trying to get a shoo-in with them before the primaries begin. I just brought her some coffee.”

“And you didn’t bring me any?”

“You’re the only one of us who hasn’t been up all night. You need coffee the least of all of us.”

“Don’t blame me for your bad decisions.” Adam squinted at Gansey. “Were you working on an article all night or something?”

He snorted. “Hardly. They’ve been blocking all of my pieces. Too far from my mother’s politics, too far from your mother’s, too controversial, too critical, all in that order.”

“Thought you were liking the _ Post _gig?”

“On paper,” Gansey dismissed. “I’ve defaulted to writing about Welsh history.”

“Sounds like it’s right up your alley, then.”

“Once again, on paper.”

“How do you even connect the Welsh to the hellscape of American politics?”

Gansey waved a hand. “‘Eternal spirit,’ ‘fighting for honor,’ ‘remembering Glendower and others who set a pristine model,’ et cetera, et cetera.”

“People read that? That just sounds like you in high school spouting off again.”

“Yes, Adam. People read it.” Gansey squinted at his phone again. “Twitter _ really _likes you and Ronan together.”

“We’re exciting,” Adam said dryly, reaching for his laptop. He scanned over his most recent paper while Gansey dramatically narrated replies to the gif of them on _ This Morning. _

“‘Either of them could stab me and give me one of those smiles and I’d thank them,’ Jesus Christ,” Gansey read, “They really love your fake smiles… ‘name a more iconic duo, I’ll wait,’ hm, maybe any other duo? ‘Oh my God, just _ kiss already.’” _

Adam choked out a laugh as Gansey punctuated the last one with a dramatic and uncharacteristic hand wave. “At least it’s working,” he allowed, shutting his laptop once he felt secure about his essay. “Now get out. _ Some _of us have places to be.”

Adam’s phone buzzed on his way out of his cursed Presidency and the Press course.

Somehow, the interest of those around him seemed to pique even higher when he looked at his phone instead of in front of him. It wasn’t a new sensation by any means; ever since starting at Georgetown, he’d felt eyes on him constantly, but the intensity increased tenfold each time his classmates thought he was too occupied to see them staring. He noticed every time, but of course nothing could be done about it.

The name _ HRH shitty bird boy _ popped across his screen. How strange - in only a week, he’d almost entirely forgotten that the name he had (quite maturely) given Ronan in his phone was… _ that. _As he swiped the notification open, he felt a certain amount of trepidation as to what a technology-averse prince would ever text him about.

His harassment and emergency fears flew out the window with the body of the text, simply a screenshot of their tabloid appearance with the added caption of _ youre the nerd and I’m the cool jock. _

_ Competitive yachting? _Adam asked in response, nearly tripping over his own feet while typing.

_ ffs i told them to stop writing that as my preferred sport. _

Adam felt his lips twist against his will.

_ I’m sorry, this is a common problem? _

_ you can’t even imagine. _

_ I appreciate that they consider competitive yachting a regal sport. _

_ status symbols and faux athleticism are the core of the monarchy. _

Adam blinked down at his phone, stopping short abruptly. Persephone, from behind him, adjusted accordingly.

He…hadn’t been expecting this. Any of it. The text, the almost-joking response, the casual statement about the monarchy being ridiculous despite him being in it. Their conversation ended there, and it was probably for the better. He resumed his pace, trying to get to his next class. He almost forgot about the texts, too; save for a rogue screenshot Adam sent him of speculation on Ronan’s presence in Majorca, nothing else went between them.

Sometimes, Adam could _ just barely _ get away with being on his phone during briefings with Maura. He hated to be distracted during them - they were _ important, _he knew that, but all the same occasionally she spent a particularly long time covering an obscure dignitary’s comments and he’d gotten too few hours of sleep to truly focus and someone or other was blowing up his phone.

Maura’s topic of conversation this week appeared to be a series of Buzzfeed articles run on the lack of pets in the First Family, complete with a power point dissecting their points

The glamorous side of politics, truly. Discussing a clickbait series in the West Wing briefing room.

_ iMessage chat to _ ** HRH shitty bird boy **

_ Resumed 30 October, 2019, 1:47 pm _

_ if you want a pet chainsaw dragged in a mouse the other day _

_ Ah yes, the mouse. A pet eternally beloved by constituents. _

_ we can’t all have a raven, that would be unfair _

_ Your heights of cool and goth are truly dizzying. _

_ im glad you agree _

_ Modest, too. _

_ it comes with the wealth and fame _

_ As long as you’re being straight with me, feel free to be as ‘modest’ as you like. _

_ i’m the prince of bloody england. i’m straight all the damn time _

_ That’s the biggest lhxemxlp_

His phone slipped from between his fingers, landing with a dull _ thud _onto the wooden floor. Adam stared helplessly at it, a sleek black rectangle hiding between types of oak. But Maura repeated his name, and he suddenly remembered what had made him drop his phone in the first place. He dragged his eyes up, staring at a spot on the sterile white wall just beyond Maura’s head.

“Adam,” she said a third time, but he refused to look her in the eyes. She conceded immediately. “What the hell?”

He felt his cheeks darken as blood found its way up. “I’m sorry.”

Her lips thinned just like Blue’s did, turning into a dark line on her brown face. “Do you even remember what I was saying?”

“Er…” he scrambled. “Don’t mention animals in any public setting?”

She looked at him for a long moment, then picked up a mug of coffee and took a controlled sip.

“Get out?” she said once she’d swallowed her sip.

“I-”

She pointed to the door. “I am impossibly busy. Take your phone and go laugh in private.”

He nodded once, finally, ducking under the table with his spine pressed against the bottom to grab his phone. His fingers closed around it, grip the edge of the wood, and he was up in a second.

He couldn’t regret it.

Because - well, here was the weird thing.

He wanted another text from Ronan.

_ iMessage chat to _ ** HRH shitty bird boy **

_ Resumed 31 October, 2019, 12:03 am _

_ it’s finally spooky day in your hell country _

_ Isn’t it 5 am in England? _

_ Do you ever sleep? _

_ bold of you to ask that question _

_ halloween, bitch _

_ it waits for no one _

_ I’m really going to have to advocate better habits. _

_ I understand, you’re enthused for Halloween. _

_ do you even care at all _

_ I enjoy halloween like everyone else. _

_ Though your level of excitement feels a little pagan? _

when the skeleton army rises Jesus will forgive me

_ appreciate this glorious day parrish _

_ I have enough fear in my daily life, thanks. _

_ I filed my own taxes all throughout highschool. _

_ And payed rent. _

_ The horrors of early adulthood. _

_terrifying _

_ terrible i’ll never deal with that shit _

_ You’re the prince, we know. _

_ Do you also not have enough horror in your life? _

of course i do

_ but parrish. listen. _

_ this is the one day a year all the monarchy and parliament dress as they are in life _

_ hideous monsters _

He laughed a little harder at that than he should have.

_ You’re telling me the monarchy plays dress up. _

_ ronan_frankensteins_monser_costume.jpg _

_ matthew insisted. did this on me an hour ago _

_ oh my god _

The makeup _ was _really good, and the monstrous look suited him, but hell if Adam ever said that to him.

He may have saved it to his phone, though, to glimpse Ronan’s green-paint covered skin and crooked, drawn-on stitch smile on his perfectly blank face.

Although Adam certainly didn’t intend to make a habit of texting the Prince of England, when he saw a funny bird or a stupid article or an obscure meme his first thought became _I should send that to Ronan. _And Ronan, clearly, was thinking along the same lines. The sheer number of sole emojis that seemed to tell a Ronan-centric story he received at all hours only affirmed that. And somehow, between all the pictogramme and jokes, he started to learn snatches of information. Declan was a better storyteller than Ronan, Matthew was the only person who could make Ronan attend family dinners ever since their father died, and his mother - the Queen of England, Adam had to remind himself sometimes - drew further away every day.

The problem became that he always wanted to know _ more, _and Adam didn’t know if that was due to his rampant curiosity or something else buried deep inside of him, and he was too afraid of what he might uncover by digging to look.

Adam had very few friends.

Most of that came with the territory of being part of the First Family; nothing made casual acquaintances drift away quite like being constantly surveilled by Secret Service agents and trailed by NDAs. Adam didn’t have time for small talk and coffee, a fact which he sometimes lamented and often loved. Part of this came from the type of friendship he became accustomed to with Gansey and Blue, the all-encompassing type of friendship that took over their minds in spare moments and forged ties stronger than steel between them. He’d probably forgotten how to have normal, casual friends, not friends an outsider would think he was completely in love with. And, perhaps more than anything else, it came back down to Robert Parrish and his heavy hands and ringing words. Adam’s memories of his first few years were scattered and inconsistent, but they filled up a too-large corner of his brain all the same. Blue, who entered his life at the tender age of 5, had won his trust with greater ease than their other peers, and Gansey had done the same in high school. They knew him and what he’d been through, and so they could (platonically) love him for all that he was. When campaigning and political office came into the mix, that full truth of Adam Parrish became a secret to guard like any else.

But, oddly enough, Adam had a third friend: Noah Czerny, the thirty-three-year-old baby of the Senate.

Noah and Adam met through an Aglionby networking event while Adam was a student and Noah a recently-elected congressperson, both green as grass in different ways. Adam, thrown neck-deep into a Presidential campaign, had questions, and most of the time Noah had answers. Although all of the professors had warned Adam to proceed cautiously with Czerny, Adam found nothing to fear. Noah had mellowed out quite a bit from his high school days, becoming a familiar face at political events and a surprisingly-wise piece of advice always at the ready. Despite Adam’s near hero-worship of this brand-new politician, half-Mexican just like him and just as frequent to lose sleep rewriting policies that unjustly taxed communities of color or defunded children’s education, they’d formed an improbable bond. The summer before his sophomore year, Noah let Adam closer to the politics process than even his mother had as he ran for the Senate, and Adam took to it almost at once. A politician twelve years his senior was perhaps not a conventional choice of friend, but Adam seldom remained conventional.

It wasn’t too out of the ordinary for Adam to arrive at Noah’s congressional office unannounced, either with business or without, and so when Adam rounded on Noah’s stark, bright, white office, he wasn’t at all surprised to see him ducked over an obscene number of papers.

“It’s Friday night,” Noah said without looking up, barely before Adam had even crossed into the office. As always, the tiny burst of color in the Pride flag deposited in a tourist mug drew Adam’s eye for a long moment before Noah himself did. All Adam could see of him was his brown curls, resolutely held in place even as bent over a desk. “Go party or something.”

“Damn, I didn’t _ think _ this looked like a frat. I knew something was off.” Adam slid into one of the seats across the desk. He had several inches on Noah, but he always felt smaller in those chairs across from the most important legislators in the country. “What’s got you here at eight PM?” Off of Noah’s brief, incredulous look, he amended to _ “this _particular time, I know. You’re salaried. Shouldn’t you…ever go home?”

“I’m trying to get something done so that there’s at least a hope of banning fracking in our lifetimes.”

Adam scoffed quietly, though not for lack of faith in Noah. “Let me know when you’ve cracked the code.”

_ “If, _but sure, I’ll be in contact. Now, why are you here?”

“You didn’t answer my leaving-the-building question.”

Noah’s eyes flickered shut briefly. “Jesus, Adam, I am salaried by the taxpayers of millions of Americans. I’m not going to slack on them.”

“Fine, but don’t make me drag Gansey in here to make you take a long nap and drink some hot soup.”

Adam’s phone buzzed, but he ignored it; despite it being almost 1 am in England, Ronan could presumably take the blame. Noah asked, “Did you catch the Fox town hall last night?”

Adam grimaced. He’d seen part of it, trying to multitask with his macroeconomics homework at the same time, but instead he’d fallen asleep with his head on the laptop screen. “Part of it. It was a shitshow.”

“You can say that again.”

“I honestly thought that Whelk would pull more support from the extremists. He just seemed desperate last night.”

“Oh, he definitely was.” Noah leaned away from his desk, appraising Adam as though considering his words carefully. “We went to school together.”

“Aglionby?” Adam asked. He knit his eyebrows together. “How did I not realize he went there?”

“The school doesn’t exactly love toting him.”

“He’s older than you, though, right?”

“Yes, Adam,” Noah said slowly. “I’m thirty-three. He’s already announced a bid for President. How old do you have to be to run for executive office?”

Adam scowled. “I just came from class, I can’t use my brain. He was a senior when you were a freshman?”

“Yep,” Noah replied. “We were paired in upperclassmen-lowerclassmen bonding.” His lip curled a little. “He outed me.”

“Wait, _ what?” _

“He outed me to the school,” Noah repeated. He looked back down to the papers on his desk, his voice softening to a barely audible level. “I trusted him, which was a dumb thing to do, but I was a really stupid freshman. Scared, too. He was a friendly personality.”

_ “Fuck,” _Adam said, pushing a hand through his hair. “I’m sorry, that’s…”

“Terrible?” A bit of Noah’s life returned to him. “Don’t worry about it, kid. It was years ago.”

“But then…Whelk, he was the reason you…?”

“He didn’t make my parents react the way they did. They did that on their own. But no, they wouldn’t have known without him.”

Adam shook his head. “I thought it wasn’t possible to like the guy less, if only because of his politics, but he’s done it.”

“Done what? Received the full wrath of Adam Parrish?”

“He very well may.”

“Don’t worry about him. Whelk will be out soon, believe me. I know him. He may have his parent’s money, but he’s barely old enough to hold office and he’s running on fumes.”

“If he’s not, I’ll convince Blue to skew stats until he is.” Noah knew just as well as Adam that that wouldn’t change anything, but it lightened the air anyway. “It seems kind of pointless to entertain any of them. Greenmantle is probably going to win no matter what.”

Colin Greenmantle: former antique collector, congressperson from Massachusetts, and millionaire with the funds to take over the Republican primary, and very possibly the whole election, before any papers were even filed.

“It’s early,” Noah said. “Too early to worry about it. Too early to even be _ talking _ about it.”

Adam slanted a half-smile at him. “Never too early to worry about an election.”

Noah looked back to his papers before broaching the next topic. “I hear you’ve got a job on your mother’s re-election campaign.”

“Once I graduate, and maybe a little earlier, yeah.”

Noah cast a glance around the office. “Are you sure this is the life you want?”

Adam knew he was referring to the constant bustle, the fear of disappointing and harming instead of helping, and the ever-evolving media scrutiny. He knew it was the closest Noah would give to a warning. “I’m sure.”

Noah sighed. “Fine.” He pointed to the door. “But I won’t let you throw your youth away, not this early. After you graduate, Parrish. Go get drunk and make out with someone.”

Adam stood, his frame unfolding and standing tall. “You are a terrible role model.”

“Can’t hear you over the loud music.”

“You and Blue and Gansey - if I die of alcohol poisoning, it’s all your fault.”

“Feel free to blame, so long as you’re out there and not here.”

“Alright, alright, Jesus. You’ve made your point.”

“Finally,” Noah called after Adam’s retreating form. But Adam could hear the amusement in his voice all the same.

For someone so allergic and averse to technology, Ronan sure seemed to share a lot with Adam.

_ iMessage chat to _ ** HRH shitty bird boy **

_ Resumed 13 Novemeber, 2019, 8:38 pm _

_ bird.m4a _

_ she wont stop nuzzling my head?? _

_ Picking for lice, probably. _

_ God knows you have so many. _

_ my scalp is perfectly clean _

_ Forgive me for abstaining from running my hands over it all the same. _

_ I’ll leave that to her. _

He didn’t always respond, though.

Adam tried not to read into it.

(He mostly succeeded.)

Adam never tired of stepping into the Oval Office. On the Wednesday right before Thanksgiving, he stepped in with the same amount of awe he always had, allowing himself a single moment to glance around at the wide windows and perfectly upholstered furniture. He sat on one of the couches without preamble.

His mother looked up from what was in front of her on the desk and smiled, albeit a tired one that frayed a bit at the corners; Adam had seen a few particularly troublesome foreign dignitaries be escorted away not long before, so he didn’t have to guess at the reason. Ana looked like she belonged to sit right there amongst all the history at that desk, from the sun dipping just beneath her halo of hair straightened within an inch of its life and her stick-straight posture. It might have been a lot at times, but seeing her was a reminder of all the good that came from her position.

She rose and walked to join him, her heels clacking lightly at the ground before she sank onto the cushion beside him and pulled him into a loose hug. Adam had overtaken Ana in height some years before, but there had been a long gap in there as he grew - like one day he was three and a half feet tall and wrapped tightly in her arms and the next he was off to Georgetown and several heads taller. She pulled away after a minute, slowly and bit-by-bit as though savoring her moments as a mother rather than a president. Her hand reached to muss his hair a moment later, and Adam ducked away instinctively before exchanging an identical grin with her.

“God, I forgot how light your hair looks in here,” she said, leaning back a little. “Almost golden.” She tilted her head as though examining him. “Nah. Still brown. But much lighter.”

“How could you forget? The photo here was in _ GQ, _the same article that first declared me the family golden boy.” At the corner of their conversation was the knowledge of where he’d inherited that hair color, as it sure as hell wasn’t from Ana. But he let the thought stay buried, patting the dirt back down with the shovel himself. Their relationship always had an absence in it, and he didn’t particularly feel like deepening it in the Oval Office.

“Ah, so that’s the one I have to blame for your big head,” she responded, reaching for a piece of fruit from the little coffee table. It was a familiar half-jest, borne from Adam’s constant contradicting confidence and imposter syndrome. Idiosyncrasies were just Adam’s style, never one to make things easy for himself. He sometimes wondered if so much of himself conflicted because he tried to walk the middle road so often, balancing his weight over all sides to minimize the damage if the rug was yanked from beneath him, like lying down on a bed of nails: a thousand tiny, dull pains over one sharp, potentially fatal puncture. She smiled again. “Is Noah doing well?”

“For Noah he is. He would barely look up from some new reports on fracking, seems hopeful he’ll be able to garner enough support.”

Ana snorted. “Good luck with that. I’ll be shocked if it reaches the floor for debate.”

“That makes three of us, then.” He nodded towards the desk. “Bad meeting?”

The frown lines on her face deepened. “Don’t get me started,” she drawled, falling back fully against the cushions. After only a moment, she _ did _ get started regardless of what Adam did or didn’t do. “We received the memo a few days ago that a delegation from Sweden wanted to be in contact, right? Fairly standard stuff, Maura gets back to them quickly because they worded it like it was an urgent matter, and there’s a back and forth for a while about scheduling and accommodations. We’re of the belief they won’t be out here until Monday at the earliest.”

Adam knit his eyebrows together. “It’s not Monday.”

“You fuckin’ tell me. Anyway, I’m halfway through a meeting with a few UN representatives when Maura has to interrupt. They arrived at the White House, claimed they had a meeting, and just…didn’t leave. Evan Maura couldn’t get through to them, which is the thing that scared me a little.”

“You should have put Calla on it.”

“Believe me, if she were here, I would’ve. But as it was, I had to hurry out the UN members to deal with decidedly more antagonistic foreign relations.”

“Why were they even here?”

“They wanted to discuss the military relationship between our countries-”

“What the hell?”

“Yeah, I don’t know,” she said, waving one hand in dismissal. “Any points they were trying to make went straight out the window when they started pulling out cue cards, to be honest. I might have to call Löfven to smooth things over.”

“Well, there’s never a dull moment,” Adam said fairly. His mother snorted.

“Sure isn’t. Anyway,” she said, glancing at her watch, “it’s now Thanksgiving, so no more meetings for twenty-four hours.”

“It’s Wednesday.”

She pulled a face in dismissal. “We take our patriotism seriously, darlin’. Don’t want our home state gettin’ too mad.”

“Of course.”

Ana checked her watch again. “The turkeys will be on their way to the Willard by now, so we’re not ruining any American traditions today.”

“Wait,” Adam said. “Where?”

She looked at him, her eyes narrowing. “The Willard. They stay there every year.”

“What? No. _ No. _You cannot give the turkeys five-star accommodations with taxpayer dollars. You’ve been doing this every year?!”

“It’s public knowledge, sugar. Every news outlet mentions it.”

“How did I not-” Adam cut off. “There is no way you can do that! They’re turkeys! It’s a waste!”

“It’s precedent, Adam. I’m not sure if there’s anything to be done at this point.”

Adam stood quickly, pacing back and forth, and his mother stood behind him. “It’s a _ blatant _waste of money, I’m shocked we haven’t already been-”

“Hon, every president so far has done the same-”

“Imagine the story if we broke the tradition! Even conservatives would have to applaud your frugality-”

“We can’t play games with tradition, you know they already call us disrespectful-”

“-we can’t be using _ taxpayer money-” _

“-by all means, if you have the time to find lodging for two forty-pound turkeys-”

“Put them in my room!” Adam blurted. His mother stopped short.

“You’re not serious,” she said. “We’re not putting the turkeys for me to pardon in your bedroom.”

“Yes, we are.”

“Adam-”

He shifted his feet, coming to a stop. He lifted himself up to his full height. Debate Captain Adam, six-time Best Delegate Adam, and First Son Adam converged into one. His mother barely looked phased.

“Oh, God,” his mother said. “I can’t listen to another sales pitch.”

“Madame President,” Adam began, “I’d like to echo the sentiments of the forebears before me-”

“Nope,” she said, making double-time back to her desk. “You’re not going to filibuster me.”

“In 2018 alone, at least forty-three articles in the Wall Street Journal accused the sitting administration of wasting tax dollars. This came on the heels of a tax increase for Americans making more than ten million dollars per year and the subsequent pushback from a more conservative electorate in Congress.”

“Fine!” Ana said, her hand falling to the desk with a thump. She brought it back up to her head to massage her temple a moment later. “I’m too tired to hear my own history read back at me. You win.”

He sat back down on the couch, crossing his legs primly. “Perfect,” he said, allowing himself to smile once again.

[kayleigh-83]

replies re: leaving tumblr and dreamwidth

nerianasims replied to your post “possibly leaving Tumblr...”

I'm posting my Sims content -- and any other creative content -- on DW. They have dedicated picture hosting (though not much yet), and you can substitute a heart emoji or something for likes. It suits my style of writing and reading so much better too. Tumblr's basic design has always given me a certain level of anxiety anyway.

I would miss the short burst format, but I think I can adapt since I already have been consolidating all my short posts into longer round format anyways. But I do miss the quick and easy engagement of likes on Tumblr, although the heart emoji is a nice substitute. It definitely has its pros and cons!

mortia replied to your post “possibly leaving Tumblr...”

tumblr is definitely pissing me off but i don't think i can do DW ever again. it's just too slow for me and the need for third-party hosting and not being able to just post in quick bursts is a killer. plus no phone app is a dealbreaker.

I haven’t had any issues with Dreamwidth as far as slowness, and I could live with third party hosting since I’ve been using it for Dreamwidth thus far anyways. But yeah, I would miss the ease of the Tumblr platform and the being able to post in short bursts! I like being able to be engaged in the community on such an active level, rather than having to wait to finish a round and edit all the photos and only being able to post every so often - it feels less active to me, now.

emoslasher replied to your post “possibly leaving Tumblr...”

Im also reaally giving up on this site. They flag all of my LGBT content and pictures of clouds??? Ugh.

Ugh yes! Like most of the things I get tagged are just completely inexplicable - pixel semi nudity is the closest thing to understandable I can see. But the fact that it is so clearly NOT reviewed by a real human ever, but they make you jump through hoops just to find it and appeal it, and then the algorithm just decides “NOPE” and you can no longer appeal it is just inexcusable.

fuzzyspork replied to your post “possibly leaving Tumblr...”

I hope that people who are switching to other sites at least come here to link to the new stuff. Maybe with a preview pic (sfw obviously. *shakes head*). I think this site works better as a broadcast medium. DW and sites like that are better for in-depth content. Tumblr as a "quick look" of what other simmers are posting on their websites is probably what we should have been using it for all along.

Oh I definitely would! I’m not 100% decided, but if I did go that route I definitely wouldn’t pack up my toys and leave or delete the blog or anything like that. The biggest thing I value about the Simblr community is the connectivity and communication that this platform had been able to afford us. It’s losing that with all of this crap they’re pulling by pushing people away, and it makes me really sad! But I would always do whatever I could to keep people in the loop with what I was doing and where I was going, because keeping the community alive (wherever) is what it’s all about to me!

necile replied to your post “possibly leaving Tumblr...”

The more I use DW, the more I prefer it. There's more work involved (at least for me, since the rich text editor is broken, so I'm forced to use HTML. No one else I follow seems to have that issue though), but DW's content ToS is really open. It feels less connected than Tumblr, since you can't like or reblog posts, but sometimes that's nice. It's more intimate, I guess?

I wish I could figure out for you about the RTE! The only thing that seems to be broken for me on it is using the cut feature. I write my whole post with RTE but at the end I switch to HTML to put in the cut tags because it never works otherwise. So strange! I’m hoping though that with an infusion of new users lately, perhaps DW will have more resources to work on some of the programming bugs or features that need streamlining. It would be great to have a substitute that works just like Tumblr (or for Tumblr to have not bumblefucked around like this in the first place) but in lieu of that I am ok with adapting to another format that doesn’t constantly mis-flag my content and leave me with no way to fix it. And yeah, about reblogging I feel that! I don’t reblog on my main but I have a side blog I use exclusively for reblogging, just for CC I want to download later usually. It’s nice to know I’m not only indexing something for my own reference later, but helping add notes to someone’s post at the same time!

[uniformbravo]

animorphs liveblogs, this time a marco book so u already know it’s gonna be a party am i Right boys,,,,,

---

i read so much goddamn animorphs today and update: marco is, once again, ruining my life,

this is actually one of the very few books i personally own (out of two to be precise) so i am. Somewhat familiar. vaguely. let’s fuckin.,.., Do this

-

[from the back cover of the book]

But Marco's personal stress is causing him to morph into creatures that don't exist.

“marco’s personal stress” this should be...... fun

-

My name is Marco. But you can call me "Marco the Mighty." Or "Most Exalted Destroyer of My Pride." You can cower before my mighty thumbs and beg for mercy, but you'll be crushed just the same. For I am the lord of the PlayStation. Pick a game. Any game. Tekken. Duke Nukem. NFL Blitz. Whatever. Practice all you want. I'll still beat you. I'll crush you like Doc Martens crush ants. I'll -

i hate him. ia hhate him so mugjfn

-

"I was just watching his show -" Rachel cut me off. "You were watching William Roger Tennant? Marco looking for advice? On what? Coping with shortness?" "I was just channel surfing," I yelled. "That's not the point!

hklJKDJ GOD

-

<This bites,> I said. <Why did we get stuck with the Saturday morning shift? I should be asleep right now. Or watching The Powerpuff Girls.>

Confirmed

-

<You know why you're here,> Cassie replied. <You switched with Jake so you could watch the South Park marathon last night.> <Yeah, but that was before I knew about The Powerpuff Girls marathon,> I grumbled.

SUPER CONFIRMED

-

<Something bothering you, Marco?> Cassie asked. <No, absolutely not.>

jdkdjdsf the avoidance tactics

-

And then there’s Euclid.> <Her toy poodle.> <Satan with a perm. Simple commands like "sit," "stay," "heel" all mean the same thing to this dog: Bark at Marco. Jump on Marco. Bite Marco's ankle.>

ffuckign Good Dog

-

For forty-five minutes we followed William Roger Tennant up the beach and then back to the compound. For forty-five minutes I vented. Cassie may or may not have listened. Every once in a while, she said <”uh-huh”> or <”bummer.”> By the time Tennant walked back through the gate of the compound, I felt a little better.

ok but i just love this so much like. ive mentioned before how i love cassie and marco and this is just so Good this is a Good Scene

-

The first thing to change was my head. It began to shrink. From normal size to the size of a cantaloupe. To grapefruit. To orange. To just slightly bigger than a cherry tomato. <Oh, that's a nice look,> Rachel said. <Now your head finally matches the size of your brain.>

all i want is an animorphs spin off series thats just 100% rachel’s burns on marco they give me so much life

also all i can think about is this pic gkdjlfksdlfkdj

-

ok so this book is rly fun, basically it’s like everyone is super fucked up from this war but marco in particular is so super duper fucked rn he’s reached another plane of fucked he’s on a higher tier of emotional distress and it’s messing with his ability to morph, he’s so spectacularly damaged that he’s experiencing it in new and unprecedented ways he’s fucking evolving he’s ascending

-

"Cassie?" "Hi. Can I come in?" She didn't wait for me to answer but just sort of pushed her way past me. I followed her back to the living room. She turned off the TV and looked expectantly at me. - "You have something to tell me?" "No." "So why are you here?" "I'm here to listen to you." I laughed. "What, are you a shrink now?" She shrugged. "You said it yourself: We can't exactly go to see counselors, can we?"  "Look, I'm fine." "No, you're not," she said. "Jake bought it, Rachel bought it, but I didn't. Something went wrong. I heard it in your thought-speak. You blew another morph." I sat down. I was sure I'd covered. I was sure. But of course this was Cassie. Cassie who knows what people are feeling about five minutes before they do. "Did you tell Jake?" "No. And I won't." "Why not? What happened to it being everyone's concern?" "Because I want you to know you can trust me. You know, enough to talk to."

god like??? their relationship is just So Good i love that cassie is the one to reach out to marco so consistently and genuinely, the only one to offer that kind of support, because he shoves all his pain away and hides it from everyone else but she sees his truth, insightful cassie, and then actually sets out to do something about it 

because let’s not forget jake, who knows every member of his team inside out and Absolutely knows when marco is having problems, but isn’t the same person as cassie. cassie, who worries for her friends. cassie, who wants to help in any way she can. jake sees an issue like this and analyzes its contribution or detriment in relation to a mission, decides whether it’s worth looking into, and acts accordingly. he simply does whatever is necessary to reach the goal. he doesn’t have the time or energy to go chasing after every member of his team every time they break down, because they’re all broken and they all deal with it differently, and that’s really what it comes down to for him: they deal with it. get it done, and deal with it. no time for anything else, just let everyone fix themselves as they do, and move on to the next thing.

which is such an interesting parallel to cassie’s way of dealing with these things. cassie the empathetic healer, who speaks her mind and confronts the issues everyone else glosses over. it’s such a breath of fresh air to see her enter into the situation with pure intention, to fix, to help. these books give such a feeling of loneliness sometimes, spinning tales of personal conflict and avoidance and silent suffering, especially in the case of marco, who deliberately masks his pain with laughter, pain’s polar opposite. cassie is a force of companionship, of understanding in a place where it’s desperately needed, and i think it’s really refreshing, given everything else that happens constantly around her. it’s just really nice, is all i’m saying

-

She ignored my weak attempt at a joke. "And then we found out your mom was still alive. Only she wasn't your mom anymore. Her body had been taken over by a Yeerk. And she was the enemy. Marco, in the space of a few awful months you've gone from believing your mother is dead to almost literally having to try and destroy her." "And you think maybe that's stressful?" I deadpanned. "I think it would have crushed most people," she said. "That mission against her and Visser Three, you were setting her up to take a fall. You were intimately involved with leading Visser One, your mother, into a trap that -" "Shut up! Shut up!" I jerked up off the couch. I had my hands over my ears. Stupid. I took my hands down. They were trembling. "Look, Cassie ..." I started to say with exaggerated calm. But then I forgot what I wanted to say. I could see her. On that mountaintop. Her sudden realization that it was me who had brought her there. Marco. Me. Her son. Her host's son. Not some ruthless Andalite warrior but her own son . . . Visser Three's troops and ships closing in. The cliff giving way. Falling. And later, Rachel had come to me and said that her body could not be found. That maybe she was still alive. And Rachel had understood that she wasn't doing me any favors because it was so much better to know, to know for sure anything, even to know something terrible as long as the torture of uncertainty was over. . . . "What did I do?" I whispered.

im in immediate pain i dont want this get this away from me remove this from my life in the present year of 2016*

he didnt even realize until now, he didn’t even put this together until now he was so focused on every other aspect of the situation that he didn’t even think about anything other than the fact that it was entirely his fault that his mother was possibly dead, he just had too many other things clouding his mind to realize that oh shit if she’s still alive we’re all kind of fucked

he’s usually so conscious of things like that at all times but this particular event fucked him up so good it blocked his perceptiveness, he probably didn’t want to think about it he probably pushed it out of his mind as much as possible so whenever it did manage to surface the only thing he felt was guilt and pain, as in the emotional response rather than the tactical thinking

he doesn’t realize until right now, when cassie confronts him and forces him to think about it, what the facts strung together actually mean for them, five books later this is happening i’m gone knock me tf out

-

"Nora and I have been talking about getting married, Marco. But we won't do it without your okay." "Yeah? And what if it's not okay?" I said. I could hardly hear my own voice. He sighed. His eyes turned vacant, distant. The way they'd looked for a large part of the past two years. I hadn't missed that look. I hadn't missed it at all. "Marco, we're a team, you and I. We've been through a lot together. If you say no, I'll accept that." Fine. So it was on me. Great. Typical. Yeah, why not? I'll decide if my dad is happy or not, if my mom is still my mom. I'll decide if she lives or if she dies so that I, the Great Marco, the great cold-blooded Marco can prove how tough I am by leading her into a trap, setting her up ... I felt pain. I was digging my fingernails into the side of my head. I was going to explode. Some artery in my head was going to blow apart. It was too much. Way too much. "I'm out of here," I said. I got up and ran for the door.

re: those last few lines: live footage of me reacting to this entire passage,

-

[context: marco messed up a morph in the middle of a mission & is now lost in a half poodle half polar bear morph]

<Come on, Marco,> Cassie encouraged. <It's going to be okay. Remember the mission?> The mission? I poked Tennant's huddled body with my paw. Watched him shrink and shudder. <What's going on, Marco?> Cassie said soothingly. <Talk to me. We're your friends. Talk to us, talk to me and-> <Talk my butt,> Jake snapped. <Marco. Cope. Now. That's an order.> It was like a bucket of ice water dumped on my head. It was like waking up from an intense dream. Fast. Painful. Slowly my mind grasped control. <Jake, he's going through some bad stuff in his life,> Cassie said. <He's stressed. His dad is-> <Cassie, you know I love you and admire you, but be quiet,> Jake said. <You listen to me, Marco. We have zero time for your self-pity. I don't care what your problems are. You deal with this, right now.> I started to shrink. My body deflated like a balloon with a pin-hole. My head, shrinking. Becoming a normal poodle head. <That's not exactly enlightened behavior, Jake,> Cassie shot back, obviously angry. <lf he's having stress-> <Cassie, he's not you, he's not Rachel, he's not even me. He's Marco,> Jake said. <What he needs is to pull his head out of his rear end and remember what he always says.> What I always say? What was he talking about? Jake said, <Life is either tragedy or comedy. Usually it's your choice. You can whine or you can laugh.> I laughed. Laughed in recognition. Oh, yeah. I do say that. I was completely poodle.

Oh How The Turntables Holy Shit

like is it just me or is this super fucked up for jake to do oh my god?? humor is marco’s defense mechanism he uses to ignore his terrible realities and bottle everything up and hide it all away and it’s super unhealthy and cassie recognizes that, so she tries to help him by showing empathy and encouraging him to open up

jake also knows this about marco and and instead uses it to put him back on track on a mission like instead of saying “you can’t bottle up your emotions like this it’s not healthy and it’s obviously causing major problems” he’s like “you better bottle that shit up right this fucking instant or so help me god”

and the thing is it fucking works, marco snaps right out of it like “oh yeah bottling up my emotions why didn’t i think of that lol” and the whole thing just kind of strikes me as Super Fucked Up???? wow

i absolutely love it tho like dont get me wrong im not trying to demonize jake or w/e- it’s just another example of that brutal realism you get with this series because it feels like there should have been some kind of moral lesson about friendship and emotional support at the end of this, like it should have been cassie who managed to get through to marco by being there for him in such a critical moment, but it’s not. the thing that puts him back on track is literally the opposite of that, it’s jake basically telling him that his emotions are a waste of everyone’s time and that he needs to shove them aside just like he always does because it’s worked in the past and it needs to work Right The Fuck Now- it’s the invalidation of marco’s emotions that finally manages to pull him back to where he can essentially “function” properly again, as far as morphing goes

god and this is the shit that always gets me, why i love these books so much, like not to get all Edgy or anything but it’s that brutal reality of a fucked up situation, where there is no moral at the end, the serious issues aren’t getting resolved, the characters are fighting amongst themselves and damaging each other in the process it’s just?? so???? it’s so fucking Good like God i just

i cannot even describe how much i love this series, i just

i really love animorphs, okay,

god

-

I was coming home from school when I heard the phone ring. It rings more often now with Nora around because she gets calls from parents asking why their kids are flunking math. I decided not to answer. Let the machine get it. And then, I heard her voice. "Marco, if you're there, pick up." My mother.

wHAT KIND OF ENDING IS THIS IM SCREECHING IN THE MOONLIGHT GOOOODDDDDD Hhe was about to move on, this book was ending in all this acceptance and starting anew shit and now ur pulling a fast one on me like this ummMMMMM??? UMMMMMMMMMMM?M???? BY E

-

((lmao retroactive 2 years later bullet point add, @ visser one what the fuck this was so risky what if marco’s dad was home??? what if the three of them were all sitting around the dinner table having a meal and ur damn Mom Voice starts projecting across the entire living room uhh??? hello?????? i kno ur deal is that ur literally in space jail abt to be convicted for space crimes or w/e but i stg at least do a batman????? or pull an accent or S ometh ign jesus christ. smh))

---

*lol

[hobjoon]

Are you going to announce who won??? (I'm curious to see what they wrote)

I don’t usually announce my giveaway winners but sure, I’ll list them down here. Everything that they wrote were all very simple but I relate to them. It’s simple but very touching, imo :’)

@hoseokskitten#hobiforreal#oh wow okay why I love Hobi so much#Of course there's the normal reasons: he's so bright and cheerful and happy all the time and he just wants to make everyone smile#But it's so much more than that it's hard to articulate into words#I love how passionate he is#Passions is such a beautiful thing... to love something so much that it burns in your veins and sets your soul alive#And it's so evident how passionate he is#passionate about dancing and about loving the other members and his family and his fans#and so passionate about growing and bettering himself and making himself the absolute best that he can be#and I love how empathetic he is#He really truly just wants to brighten everyone's lives and when someone he loves is hurting it hurts him so much#And I love how you can always tell what he's feeling because he can't keep his emotions off of his face he's so open#And to know that he suffers from anxiety as well and he fights through it and brightens so many people's lives in spite of the anxiety#it's so inspiring#he really does give me so much hope#When I first got into BTS the first thing I read about Hobi was that he chose his name because#'he wants to be a source of light and hope for his fans'#and I really connected with that immediately I had an immediate connection with him#Because that's what I want to be for people I want to make everyone happy I want to be a safe space for people#So I connected with him immediately and the more I've learned about him the more I see myself in him#and he really just inspires me to be a better a person#he gives me hope for my own future and he inspires me to be the best person that I can be and to reach out to people who are hurting#and like /especially/ with the anxiety I've been fighting anxiety for years and knowing that he has too just makes me love him even more#and it just gives me that much more hope because he's actively showing me that it can be done#he's doing it I can do it too#he's fighting his own demons and he's still out there bettering himself and being such a bright ray of light and hope for people#he really is my hope#my light and my love

@hobgi#first of all bless u val ur so sweet for doing this!!!#okay for the reasons why i love hobi (lets see if theres a tag limit omg)#he's so beautiful and stunning and pretty and hot and sexy like he's so gorgeous#the way his cheeks rise when he smiles and the way he claps his hands while he laughs#the fact that people even say that he looks better in person too??? the thought makes me dizzy like his beauty radiates sm off of pics#and vids of him...like i cant imagine seeing him in real life i would probably faint#and ofc i cant forget how talented he is#not just his amazing dancing but EVERYTHING he does#his rapping and his vocals#like he didnt have much experience in rapping before bts and now???#he has some of the most iconic bts rap verses???#like remember that one time a fan told him that he was her fave rapper and he was so touched by it????? im really happy he got to hear that#like me too sis#he's my role model#i really admire a lot of things about him#i love his energy and positivity#and how he's able to be anyone's friend and just attract ppl#he has this charisma that i really admire and i want to be that person too??#to be so full of life and being able to draw any person to you??? like he IS That Person#he loves bts so much and he takes care of everyone and makes them happy#and how he pushes himself so hard and never stops#he'll work so hard that his feet start to bleed#he dedicates sm of himself into perfecting everything he does for bts#and honestly none of us deserves him??? and it makes me so sad that ppl would bash on him bc#AND ONE OF THE BIGGEST REASONS WHY I LOVE HIM IS THAT#HE!! MADE!! A!! SONG!! ABT!! HIS!! MOM!!#like he's in his twenties he coulve wrote abt anything#he's really such a good hearted person who is full of energy and dedication and love#i lov him sm :(( and im so proud of him ;-;

@hobis-moving-castle#i love him because he always seems to put others before himself#because he works so hard to not only perfect the choreo for himself but helps his members too#because he gets all shy and blushes when someone compliments him#because he worked so hard to learn how to rap even though he felt so out of place so he could be a good rapper for his team#because even though they have gained so much success he always mentions how he wants to be even better for us#because all he ever wanted was to be able to make his parents proud#because of the way his little ears stick out when he  wears hats#because of how his smile is as almost as bright as his personality#because although his personality may seem bright there are times where he is struggling himself but he never fails to put on his dazzling sm#ile for others in order to be there hope#because he is sugas battery that helps him gain energy#because i he loves to collect cute little figurines that are almost as cute as himself#because of the adorable mole on his lip#because of the way his dimples show when he eats food#because his laughter is so contagious you cant help but smile#because he is an amazing dancer rapper and singer yet he still remains so humble#because of his passion and deidcation his applies to everything that he does#because of that booty tho#because even though he sings infront of thousands of people hes still gets scared easily#because every comeback he reveals even more of his talents and never fails to amaze me#because of the way he pouts when he is unhappy about somethin#because of his relationship with the other memers and loving and attentive he is to their needs#because hes loud and cheery and all the people around him never seem unhappy#because of the boy meets evil intro performance#hell every performance ever he gives his 110% and i cant begin to express how much i admire and appreciate him#he deserves the world honestly

@sunnyhoseoks#i love hoseok because i feel such genuine feelings of pride and adoration for him#he's worked so damn hard to get where he is#he's so under-appreciated sometimes but he continues pursuing his dream#he has this determination and fire that comes out in him when he's on stage or even just practicing#that boy belongs on that stage#its his passion and it shows in his bright and fiery personality on stage#it never fails to take my breath away#i believe that that boy can do anything and everything#and even though he'll never know who i am#i will do whatever i can to give him my full support#because i believe he has something special within him#and his constant brightness?#truly admirable#he always puts in 200% into whatever he does#and i can imagine that would get exhausting#because he's human after all#and everyone has setbacks#but he doesn't let it get in his way#he truly fights to constantly emit positive energy#all i want is for him to be truly and purely happy in his life#and to be able to live with confidence in all that he does#whether that be in bts or dancing or whatever#if it makes him happy and he's healthy while doing it then i will be behind him#hobiforreal#im sorry i kinda ranted but i feel very passionate about hobi

[lordofwar0]

There are just a few things that I really wish I could get that would help out a lot I think.

Maybe not help, but at least let me relieve some stress.

Alas thats not in the cards for me probably ever and frankly I’m just too tired to actually care or do anything beyond laugh about it.

Raid sucks, again. Watching DPS pad/use big CDs on early or non-important adds and having them wasted/ineffective all because you think that’s smart is just pissing me the fuck off cuz now I’m getting blamed and raid night ends with a forboding message of “YOU BETTER WATCH OUT FOR YOUR SPOT IF YOU CANT DO ADD DAMAGE”

Go fuck yourselves raid leads who can’t learn to fucking read logs. Swear to fucking god.

And to cap it all off my ‘best friend’ spent four days not directly talking to me till I said something to them and then literally left me hanging with “good bullshit” like that’s supposed to mean something to me. I’m just so effing fucking done with all of this fucking bullshit.

I try opening up again to my dad and of course that only ends in heart ache and me crying my eyes out.

My whole life, everythign in it, all of me I feel is worthless. Trash. A waste. I feel as though I’m a complete and utter failure and that there is just absolutely nothing in my life that has ever been done right and I’m just competely and utterly broken and no this isn’t some “oh go pick yourself up!” and no this isn’t “Well if you think everyone is better than you, just go and better yourself since that just seems like competitiveness!”

Like fuck all that shit and fuck you people who wanna throw that shit like “well you just gotta get on the right path.” Bitch I can throw myself motivational speeches night and day. I can motivate myself to do shit if I want.

Do you have any fucking idea how painful it is to be constantly and painfully reminded by people you care about and who you believe(d) care(d) about you that you are worthless? Shit? Less than them? That they are better than you or know just as much as you or that what you know isn’t that cool or exciting or that you aren’t somehow important or valued.

Everything I’ve ever done? Nothing of value, everyone’s gone to high school, everyone’s done some college. Everyone’s got a job. Everyone’s got it rough. Everyone’s dealing with shit. Everyone struggles talking to people.

Everyone knows that, that’s not that cool, uhm where’d you get that?

Constant and effective dismantling and constantly tearing me down.

Oh hey I share a pic with you and your comment is “I’ve seen hair thats longer?” When its the first time I’ve ever let my hair grow out more than an inch or two? SERIOUSLY?!

Welp there goes any self confidence I have in my body or myself and you then think I’m supposed to have confidence to talk to people? HAH.

Yet I’m the bad guy, I’m the shitty person for even expressing myself. For even feeling like this for even ranting at anyone. For even expecting someone to offer a shoulder or a hug or to tell me “Hey. You aren’t shit. This sucks and you’ll get through it and I’m here for you cuz I value you.”

No. No one says shit. Everyone just is like “Get on the right path!” Or “Well do this!” Like Bitch I’m talking to you and opening up to you because I want you to be there for me as a friend and someone who cares and to show me you care I’m not asking for god damn advice if I was I’d ask a god damn fucking question. I don’t fucking stutter my thoughts or what I say I make it quite clear when I’m upset and looking for a shoulder or looking for advice.

So fuck off with this kinda nonsense.

But nah I’m the bad guy I’m the problem, I’m the manipulative one. Seriously sick of this at what point am I allowed to just be fucking upset. To feel empty and worthless and have one of my friends or my parents or someone tell me and help me not feel that way. Because the reason I feel this way? HELLO YOU FUCKS ITS ALL OF YOU.

This isn’t because of some random crazy mental shit. You all did this. By your flippant responses or your lack of response. I HAVE GONE OUT ON A LIMB SO FUCKING MANY FUCKING TIMES TRYING TO DO SHIT AND TRYING TO GET SHIT DONE AND TRYING SO FUCKING HARD AND ONLY EVER GETTING TOLD NO OR ONLY EVER HAVING PAIN REALLY REALLY FUCKING SUCKS AND IM SORRY BUT IM NOT SOME GOD DAMN MASOCHIST WHOS GONNA KEEP THROWING HIMSELF ON THE FUCKING FIRE ILL JUST SIT IN THE GOD DAMN FUCKING PAN AND LET THAT COOK ME TO DEATH SLOWLY RATHER THAN BURN MYSELF ALIVE WITH REAL FLAMES.

Fuck. Fuck. FUCK.

[therealbrittanychiz]

8.27.18

Welp I think it’s safe to say I suck at updating this thing. I’ve been thinking about it a lot recently though and I have sooo much that’s happened over the last year.

2017. It was the best and worst year of my life. If you read my last post I mentioned going to London and meeting Jenny for the first time! Well that was amazing. We had so much fun. I was really worried we wouldn’t get along or Denee would get along with her more than me but everything worked out fine! There were a few times were I apparently annoyed Denee and a couple times where she annoyed me so that rocked our friendship a little bit. Of course we’re still bffs and that’ll never change. But now we know to never travel with each other again xD Anyway! When we arrived I was so tried and we were running on 3 hours of sleep over the course of two days. Our flight had a layover in Iceland but it wasn’t too bad. We got lucky and landed the door window seat so there was lots of foot room! When we arrived we met up with Jenny and her dad. I literally had butterflies the entire time even after meeting her. I constantly had to pinch myself to see if I was dreaming! It was just so surreal I was finally with her. So we got to her house and just talked and rested up since the next day we had to catch the train to Paris!

Paris was incredible. It wasn’t too hot or rainy at all. I just wish I wasn’t totally exhausted and cranky (hangry)! So of course we needed food so we walked from our hotel to the Eiffel Tower just to look around. We finally found a place and I just got a sandwich so I was happy to just be eating. I was still tired so I was trying my best not to put Denee or Jenny in a bad mood either. I just stayed quiet and ate my food.

Afterwards we headed back and rested up. We went back out to see the tower at night and looked for a place to eat dinner and grabbed some snacks. The next day I felt much better after getting well needed sleep. I was also super excited for Disneyland! We didn’t really ride any rides since none of us were really ride people so we wandered around and shopped and had lunch. Then I saw they were having a meet n greet for princess aurora so Jenny waited an hour and a half with me so I could meet her! It wasn’t too bad. Denee went off on her own and apparently she met Captain Hook and had a sword fight with him xD so she kept occupied. On our way back to meet Denee we ran into the queen of hearts and tweedle dew and tweedle dum. They were fun! After that we grabbed slushies and we realized we had to be back to meet our bus to get back to our hotel. By then we were exhausted from walking so naturally I was the slowest and I was way far behind them but I made it eventually. We even waited like 20 mins for our bus to even get there! Still it was a fun day. We got back to our hotel and just hung out.

The next day was our Eiffel Tower day! We grabbed breakfast and headed out. The walk was actually much further than we anticipated. Still, we went all the way up to the top and it was so much fun! (More on this later). Then we did some shopping and wandered around and got some food.

Our final day in Paris was the louvre! It was incredible. It was so big and we didn’t even walk all of it. We maybe did half and by then it was almost time to leave. There was just so much to look at and we spent most of it trying to find the Mona Lisa! We found it though. It’s a lot smaller in person and the room was crazy crowded. It was still really neat. We then left and headed back to our hotel. That night we went to the arc de triumphe to see it all lit up. We took a few pics and went back.

We left Paris and headed back to Jenny’s house and I was sooo glad to be “home”. So we hung out for a while and got some sleep. The next day we headed off to London! We got a flat pretty close to everything so that was nice. Our first day we did the London eye and did a boat tour on the river of Thames. We went back to our flat after that and relaxed a bit.

The next day we had afternoon tea and got to see some more sites so that was a lot of fun! We also did the queens jewels tour and walked around the castles.

Then we went up to the actual palace to see the changing of the guards so that was really cool to see. When we got back to our flat we went to go check out the shard but we hadn’t booked tickets to go inside though it was still cool to look at.

Denee went back to our flat but Jenny and I walked around the little garden park and sat on a bench for a while and just talked. We headed back and grabbed dinner. It was our last day in London as well so we had to go back to Jenny’s the next day.

At this point in our trip it’s been almost two weeks. When we arrived back the next morning we just hung out and tried to rest. The day after that we headed to Harry Potter studios! It was so much fun and I think the place where I spent the most money xD

The next day we went to a little beach town with a lot of arcades and shops and places to eat. We got legit fish n chips and ate by the water. We also played some arcade games and did some shopping but Jenny got the times messed up and we had to catch our train. We just barely made it bc I was in line to buy something but I had to put it back since our train was literally leaving within that minute so luckily we made it on!

The day after that was mostly a rest day. We had a concert and horse races to go to that evening. It was a lot of fun! We saw a British group called little mix who I listen to all the time now :p we placed some bets and of course won nothing but it was still a great night! Our final day was resting and packing. It was a bittersweet moment but we didn’t cry xP

We finally made it back home after a long 11 hour flight with another layover in Iceland. I was so happy to be home as much fun as I had. I missed my bed and my dog! Poor Jenny tho was so sick after our trip but she finally texted me after a few days saying how much fun she had.

So yeah that was my trip to Europe! And I totally plan on going back in 2019. We shall see!

Now onto the bad stuff. Remember in my last blog where I said we were having a cookout with my uncle and Mommom? Well that never happened. I was in the middle of a game day with my friends like I had previously said. Then I got the second worst call of my life. My Mommom has been in a car accident and they were trying to revive her. I was still hopeful she’d be okay. Then I got the first worst call of my life. I screamed and cried when my mom called with the bad news. Not to mention I was in front of my friends and one of Juan’s friends whom I’d just met that day. Mary ended up taking me home and she stayed with me until my parents got there.

Mary went home and we went to the hospital where she had died. It was so hard seeing everyone so sad. Definitely one of the worst days of my life. It was so horrible and I couldn’t believe it was happening. I just wish she had been alive long enough to see and hear about my Europe trip which she was excited for me to go. However...

Back to the Eiffel Tower! I was connecting to their WiFi when all of a sudden the WiFi name “Linda” popped up! I was just in awe and I took a screen shot to send to my mom. So it was if she really was with me in a weird way. (Maybe telling me to get off my phone and enjoy the view!)

I still feel her around me sometimes and I dream about her constantly.

So now onto August 2017! My friend Crystal was getting married. It was an okay wedding. I was not a bridesmaid as she wanted a small ceremony but me and my friend Amanda spent the night with her at the hotel so that was fun. Like I said it was an okay day. I was so tired when I got home tho!

Annnd now onto October!! Mary and Juan’s wedding was SO MUCH FUN. Denee and I were her maids of honor so we made a speech and everything. I was so nervous I dropped my phone with some notes from my speech so I could remember it. It was fine tho! Ofc we danced and ate and it was an all around good day.

Other than that the rest of the year was pretty chill. We went to downtown Annapolis for fireworks on nye so that was fun.

Annnnd now it’s 2018.

Im writing because I’m having surgery next week and I’m really nervous about it. I say it’s no big deal but on the inside I’m like freaking out. I always got the feeling I would die at a young age so maybe this is it. I have no idea. Maybe I’m just looking too much into this and everything will be fine. Who knows! I hope I’ll live through it xD

Lately I’ve been feeling a higher presence of my Mommom and I even had a dream about her today while I was napping. It was weird, she told me not to have sex with Ryan. Which i say is weird because we had a convo about it the other day. It was a really deep and meaningful convo and we usually don’t talk about stuff like that since we aren’t together yet. So who knows. Maybe she was just warning me but I doubt it’ll happen?

Anyway, Mom, if you’re reading this now you know the real me. I’m sorry I’ve been hiding this for so long. But I wanted you to see the other side of me. I hope you’re not reading this because that means you’ve found the sticky note on the side of my night stand. It means I’m dead, basically.

I want you to know I’ve always had a deep connection with my power of empathy and you might think that’s weird and I’m more strange than you thought. This is who i am. When I was younger I used to think I was psychic but now I know its empathy.

If you’re still reading know that I love you and dad and Hannah. Even though we didn’t always get along we had the typical mom and daughter fights probably more than normal but we always ended things on a good note.

Let the rest of my family know that I love them all and I’ll be watching over everyone and haunting y’alls asses so be prepared 😈

Tell my best friends (Mary, Denee, Juan, Michael and Andrew) that they are amazing and wonderful and thank them for being my truly awesome friends.

Especially to Mary and Denee. Mary, mostly for putting up with me for 21+ years. And Denee for 16+ years. I’m sorry for leaving you guys and I’ll be haunting you tooo ;)

Also tell Patti thanks for everything. She was my work mom and I’ll always love her too. I’m glad we became friends even if we didn’t get along at first! Bethany too, thanks for being my best work friend!

And tell Jenny what happened. Tell her I’m sorry for not being able to do the cruise with her and even just visiting her next year. Because I really wanted to. Tell her I love her (In the friend way, I’m not gay, I promise) she just has to know I loved her.

I suppose that’s it. If I really do die, I don’t really have any special requests. Do what you think I would’ve wanted. Take what I have in my account (you know it’s not much) and pay off my bills and then use it to divide between the three of you.

Okay now I’m done. Sorry this was such an emotional post and I really really hope I make it to see September 6th.

Later for now!

~ Brittany