#anyway the philosophy i try to live by is that i only work outside of business hours for actual important shit

[lynne-monstr]

someone tried to put a 6pm meeting on my calendar today and I immediately hit "decline"

[statementlou]

So I see folks pointing out that Louis' circle A tattoo is more likely an aesthetic choice than an announcement of a political commitment to anarchism, and saying basically that that maybe makes him a bit of a poser and I mean- I GUESS. But I don't like to look at things that way and I don't think it's useful. As I see it the subversive sexiness of the symbols of resistance have ALWAYS been gateways for people who are drawn to the struggle in vague ways and that's GOOD. Aligning yourself with those values is good no matter the reason, in my book, especially given the wretched options available out there, but also the journey doesn't necessarily stop there. Gatekeeping queerness victimizes people who are just trying things out and starting to discover that it may run deeper than just trying on a new look who should instead be welcomed and helped along their path, and I fail to see how gatekeeping political affiliations is any different (plus how counterproductive to actual movement building is that?)

ANYWAY. What I really want to say about Louis is that while I KNOW that Louis is probably not secretly a theory reading anti-state communalist anarchist, I think that actually Louis' optimism and idealism (and his unwavering commitment to allying himself with the working class and embracing those roots) are a perfect fit for the philosophy and always have been. I know that anarchism is mostly understood as being about throwing molotov cocktails and fighting the state (and the allure of its symbols are that they signify this, a terrific aesthetic for him to choose to sign on with in my book), but that's honestly largely cartoonish stereotyping that comes directly from anti-anarchist state propaganda. That resistance is necessary in this hellscape of oppression we live in and is super important, but in its heart anarchism is only about the state in that the state and capitalism currently stands in the way of its goals. The whole point of anarchism is that it's NOT about the state! It's about being able to imagine something better than a state, it's about how we live and about how we SHOULD live, it's about HOPE and picturing something utopian and something free of the ways capitalism pits us against one another! What could be more Louis than that?

"I need you and you need me and I love that" is as beautiful a way of talking about the cornerstone of anarchism that is mutual aid as any long winded essay I've read (even if what he meant was contextually different), and I think when he talks again and again about how special the space fans have made around him is he is expressing an intuitive understanding of the importance of autonomous zones, places and moments outside of the shitty life imposed on us by the system (also a huge part of anarchist thought). Maybe I'm just being an optimist but I think that Louis DOES understand that caring for people and wanting self-determination and freedom for all and allying himself with the working class involves a certain amount of resistance to and positioning yourself in opposition to the state. Thinking the symbols of smashing that state are cool isn't meaningless; it's a CHOICE. There are other cool symbols out there and I just happen to think that feeling a resonance with certain ones is something in and of itself, even if at this moment he does not choose to start a fight with the media about it all.

[fourovcups]

I've been reading Edward Abbey's Desert Solitaire as research for a project of mine, and it has certainly been an experience.

Desert Solitaire was one of these titles I'd heard bandied about in American nature literature growing up (the kind of thing teachers recommended once you finished Hatchet), but I don't here his work mentioned as much anymore. I recently re-encountered the title on a literal ecofascist reading list. While Abbey doesn't sound like an ecofascist himself, I can easily see why nature Nazis like him.

The book chronicles Abbey's time as a seasonal park ranger at the Arches National Monument in Utah There is a kind of uncertainty and inconsistency in the way he writes, even in the way he acts towards his surroundings in the desert. Silent Spring had only been published a few years before Solitaire was, and the eco-cultural revolution was not yet in full swing. Abbey writes lovingly about his desert environment. He describes in stunning detail, for example, the everyday beauty of a bumblebee alighting on a cactus flower, and decries the reckless "development" initiatives of the Bureau of Public Roads. But on the next page, he will say something like this: "...it's a foolish, simple-minded rationalism which denies any form of emotion to all animals but man and his dog. This is no more justified than the Moslems are in denying souls to women." Sure dude. Okay, fine, he was writing in the sixties. Some insensitivity is par for the course. But then, after pages and pages of decrying humans driving desert flora and fauna towards extinction, he describes with glee an instance where he stones a rabbit to death for no apparent reason.

It's a bizarre passage, and shows Abbey at his most unhinged. He describes the rabbit as "cowardly" for running away from threats, unlike the brave mountain lion, who stands and fights. He throws the stone and hits the rabbit's head: "He crumples, there's the usual gushing of blood, etc.," and the creature is dead. "I continue my walk with a new, augmented cheerfulness which is hard to understand but unmistakable [...] I try but cannot feel any sense of guilt." Reflecting on the incident, he concludes that his killing of the rabbit has made him a part of the desert, a membership bought by killing or being killed, being "predator or prey". Even so, he decides not to eat the rabbit, which he says is probably diseased anyway. He also describes using his walking stick to crush and stir up an ant colony, also without any reason beyond not liking ants. "Don't actually care for ants. Neurotic little pismires." These are far from the only times that Abbey violates his personal philosophy of reverence for all living creatures.

It's clear that Edward Abbey came to Arches National Monument already dissatisfied with the outside world, and with some authority issues to boot (some quick googling on his background shows two demotions as a military police officer for clashing with higher-ups). The freedom of the desert, its simplicity and balance, is a significant part of what makes it appeal to him. But its harshness, the hostility of its sandstorms and lurking rattlesnakes, draws him in just as much.

Edward Abbey is not an ecofascist. If anything, his ill-defined political beliefs can be vaguely defined as anarchistic, if they can be defined at all. Deleuze and Guattari write in A Thousand Plateaus that fascism is "a cancerous body rather than a totalitarian organism". It is fluid, mutable. Sometimes it lies latent, benign; at other times it rushes outward, colonizing piecemeal and erratically, in "flows capable of suffusing every kind of cell". Elements of Abbey, and of Desert Solitaire, contain such microfascisms.

Let's turn back to the linchpin of it all: the killing of the rabbit, which he sees as a joyous, cosmic act; one that links him into a (circular? pyramidal?) chain of being he was previously alienated from, in the atomized world of civilization. His joy is only augmented when he realizes he is not guilty for killing the rabbit. In per-modern hunting customs across the world, the taking of animal life is never free and unmediated. Thanks may be given to the spirit of the animal itself, or to the unseen powers that led the hunter to their quarry. Naturally, the sacrifice of an animal to a god was just that: for a god, not the human involved. What Abbey describes in the killing of the rabbit is something utterly different.

In Federico Finchelstein's Fascist Mythologies, Finchelstein says that in fascism, "consciousness was not a repression of inwardness (as Freud understood the workings of the Ego and the Id) but its actual distillation. [...] [Fascist consciousness] was not contemplative but similar to that of a sublime sensation of ecstasy."

The fascist subject is most "conscious" precisely when they loose themselves in the ecstatic abandon of the act. Such fascist consciousness is the foundation of the free, easy violence it facilitates.

When Abbey describes casting the stone at the rabbit, it is in a Meursault-like twilight of awareness. He sets up the encounter as a game, one in which he is a scientist experimenting on a rabbit that has been "volunteered" to him, and whose death is justifiable through its natural cowardice. He hardly realizes that the action he is carrying out, and when the rabbit dies he is shocked out of his reverie for a moment.

"For a moment I am shocked by my deed [...] but shock is succeeded by a mild elation."

For Abbey, primordial violence is what at last allows him union with the sacred world of the desert.

"No longer do I feel so isolated from the sparse and furtive life around me, a stranger from another world. I have entered into this one. We are kindred all of us [...] Long live diversity, long live the Earth!"

By carrying out this act of bare violence, Abbey frees himself from the civilized world and achieves union with the world of Nature, in which violence is a simple act: one that creates its own order rather than supporting existing ones. It is this union that, while the moment lasts, allows him to rejoice in his newfound "innocence and power".

That is where I will leave things for now. There are other, more overt themes that Abbey explores that are the chief reason Desert Solitaire appeals to many ecofascists, such as its characterizations of industrial society and "Progress". Abbey's later work, such as The Monkey Wrench Gang, set even more explicit examples of direct action and sabotage that inspired right-wing accelerationists as well as left-wing environmental activists. This is my first long-ish post; if you're interested in these kinds of posts on ecofascism and ecocriticism, let me know and I might make more in the future.

[lianecartmanstimtoy]

Sm South Park Headcanons for the characters that hold my brain hostage. (Also this is them as older teens/adults)

Kyle

-Biromantic/Asexual who just lives happily in comphet for years. He just kinda appreciates and sees the value in everyone but obviously guys just date girls. They just appreciate other men equally you know?

-King has OCD up to his god damn teeth but refuses to see a therapist because there's nothing wrong with him he's just being "proactively cautious".

-Sick kid to neurotic adult pipeline

-Very much takes comfort in the rituals and structure of Judaism

-Often ends up defaulting to mom friend despite how much his friends make fun of him for it

-He's kind of a normie. Like yeah he reads philosophy and psychology but if you try to talk to him about anything remotely indie or punk he kind of just stares at you blankly

-Basketball Guy

-Also hes the one who has a car and is exploited for it

-Does not like Stan hanging out with the Goth kids

Stan

-Closet homosexual trying so hard to be straight

-Bipolar and easily falls into deep depressive lows that he self medicates for

-Randy put him in therapy just so he could rant at the therapist about how toxic Stan is

-He believes deeply he's just a fuck up and has kind of given up on trying. Why play the rat race if your destined to lose? Might as well just party

-Gets tired of Kyle nagging him constantly

-Hangs out with the Goth Kids more and I think he and Michael become close

-He gets crushes easily but the big ones are Kyle and Michael. But Kyle's straight so that's just another reason to self destruct

-He wants to like Wendy so fucking bad. He wants to be good. He wants to be her boyfriend. He just..doesn't know how to pretend good enough to make it real

-inevitably they break up for real in highschool and it sends him into one of the deepest lows of his life

-After this he gets insanely drunk and kisses Kyle but Kyle just assumes he's out of it and never brings it up again because he doesn't want to embarrass Stan. This drives Stan mental

-His parents seriously discuss military school and Stan is considering just joining out of highschool anyways

-He's just a body why not put it to work

Eric

-HOMOHOMOHOMOHOMO ANY PRONOUNS GENDER FLUID HOMO

-So very insanely closeted out of fear of being rejected

-Kenny knows

-On anti psychotics that he regularly forgets to take

-Writes explicit fanfiction about him and his friends and posts them on A03 under different names

-Has a Twitch stream drag hustle like Finnster (initially he was using butters for this but then she came out at Margarine and said she didn't want to be a online whore because she was a respectable lady and Eric took up the mantle himself)

-Clyde is one of his regular watchers and donators but has 0 idea it's Eric

-Eric eventually blocks him because Clyde keeps sending him dick pics

-Kylekylekylekylekylekylekylekyle

-He wants his attention so bad it's insane

-His best friend is his mom

-They have weekly spa nights and watch romcoms and dating reality tv together

-He taught her a skin routine

-He has sent in online auditions for Kidzbop multiple times

-Kenny was his first kiss and first time

Kenny

-Any Pronouns genderfluid bi king

-Mostly gets He/Him'd by his friends but brushes it off

-Has done his rounds in the school but no relationship has ever lasted long

-He has a tendency to let himself be used as he sees his service and time as the only thing he can offer other people (this extends to his friends as well)

-Sweet goofy persona that quickly turns dark if someone really fucks up (this happens rarely but they're terrifying)

-She works as a mechanic apprentice outside of school and has a cobbled together motor bike she built herself

-Flirts with everyone and craves touch and affection

-Kind of one of the only people who genuinely likes Eric and sees past his bullshit

-The friend who knows how to get things

-Was Elated when Margarine came out and wants to be her boygirl wife so bad

-Microdoses some back alley E as a treat

-Only ever really hangs out with Stan when Stan wants to party

-Despite being friends with everyone Kenny often feels incredibly isolated and lonely

-Everyone calls him when they need something but who does she call when she needs something.

Michael (Goth Kid)

-he/it, stealth trans, just IDs as Queer

-Jewish but insanely quiet about it

-Used being goth initially as a way to distract kids from making fun of him for his heritage. Now he's in deep

-Very vocally loathes Eric Cartman and will beat him

-Cane is passed off for aesthetics but is a needed mobility aid for joint issues

-The older goth kids are an acting Polycule but will date outside of each other

-He starts to get close to Stan and enjoys how real he feels.

-Has a contentious relationship with Kyle and how he kind of morally lord's himself over Stan and others

-Doesnt have much of a relationship with his parents. His mom and dad are separated and although he lives with his dad his father regularly travels for business so he often gets the house alone to himself.

-Secretly takes a lot of comfort from his dad's old records

-He also has a secret hiding place in some abandoned sewer pipping where he goes to get away from everyone including his friends. Stan is the only one who knows about it

-On a first name basis with a lot of the unhoused people in South Park and will hang out with them as well

-He has a black kippah for holidays or temple (though his father rarely goes to temple anymore

(I will write more for others later this has already taken me an hour

[chaoticstarlightwonderland]

Soulmate AU where you can hear the thoughts of your soulmate but only when they are in the throes of despair, and you are helpless to save them. (Idea came from a Komahina fic: https://archiveofourown.org/works/35031382/chapters/87252490. )

Also sorry for formatting issues and for the length I typed this on my phone.

Makoto is very aware of the traumatic incidents Nagito has gone through, losing his parents, getting kidnapped etc. as a young boy he would cry to his parents for the sake of his soulmates and all they could do was hug Makoto and feel sorry for the other mysterious child.

Nagito on the other hand isn’t even sure if he has a soulmate. Makoto may have bad luck, but he has lived a peaceful life so it’s no surprise that Nagito wouldn’t be able to experience anything.

They meet when they are both attending Hope’s peak, an incident occurs where Makoto ends up finding out about Nagito’s illnesses and sets up a secret meeting to talk to the older boy about it.

Makoto would have heard Nagito’s thoughts on only having 6 months to live, and was sad and terrified about finding this out. Maybe even Nagito heard Makoto’s voice? But anyway, once they clarify things, Makoto excitedly hugs Nagito out of relief that his soulmate is alive, much to Nagito’s shock.

They decide to start up a friendship to get to know each other. They have their ups and downs. Makoto is rather taken aback by Nagito’s philosophy over talent and hope, but never stops trying to understand Nagito. Nagito in turn is impressed by Makoto’s optimistic attitude and ability to make friends with nearly everyone.

It’s not all hard hitting subjects though. The two share book recommendations (Mysteries from Nagito, whatever’s popular from Makoto). They’ll have lunch dates sharing snacks Nagito’s luck got for free. If whenever Nagito has to spend lunch in the nurse’s office, Makoto will return the favour by buying lunch from the canteen.

When Nagito meets Makoto’s mother the woman gives Nagito a big hug to make up for all the sad things she heard over the years but was helpless to do anything about. Nagito is overwhelmed. This touch-starved social awkward orphan can’t even process the sudden mum energy in his life.

He gets to meet the whole family. Nagito calls the mum “Auntie” the dad “Uncle” and Komaru “Komaru-chan” to differentiate them from Makoto. Nagito tries to be on his best behaviour but the family clearly realises that this kid has issues. But since they were already somewhat aware of his horrible past because of Makoto, they were fairly understanding. The relationship between the Naegis’ and Nagito could be worse all things considered.

Sadly the tragedy still happens, and Makoto is stuck hearing every one of Nagito’s despair thoughts, which are practically all the time now. This continues even when Makoto loses his memories at the start of the killing game. He asks the other students if they are also getting weird thoughts from their soulmates and for some of them it is the case, but not as bad as Makoto. This helps everyone realise sooner that the world outside is not in a normal state and they might have lost some time between entering the school and waking up on their “first day”.

(If Leon and Ibuki are soulmates, maybe Leon hears her music and becomes brainwashed by it. Or is at least wanting to know what happened to her)

(((Maybe that the ultimate despairs were told to be careful about what they thought when watching the killing game broadcasts so as not to let their soulmates inside catch on.)))

The finale of the killing game happens and Junko reveals herself, the ultimate despairs including Nagito check in at this point. Nagito is in awe of Makoto and all that he accomplishes. Then he hears Kyoko call Makoto the “ultimate hope” and something clicks.

It’s been a long standing issue between them about finding out why they were soulmates. Were they romantic or platonic. It’s here that Nagito decides it is neither.

Nagito was destined to become the ultimate despair so that Makoto would rise up and become the ultimate hope. Two great powers with the fate of the world between them. It was Nagito’s destiny to help Makoto show his potential and eventually defeated by the younger man.

Perhaps in UDG, Nagito wanted to bring Makoto in to orchestrate a final showdown between the two, but luck (Nagito or Makoto’s? Who knows.) leaves it so that Nagito ends up with Byakuya and Komaru instead. Nagito interpreted this as meaning that he needs to become a stronger despair before Makoto can face him. In the meantime, he can help train ‘Komaru-chan’ so she can grow stronger in the apocalypse. Basically Nagito’s actions are similar, but because he had a relationship with her before, he cares more and his actions are more about making her stronger mentally to protect herself rather than for game mechanics. He doesn’t try and trigger Genocide Jill to kill her because of this.

After the events of UDG Makoto sets up a plan to to use himself as bait to take Nagito so that they can put him into the simulation.The older man is begging for Makoto to kill him, end the great despair that is Nagito Komaeda and being the world into a bright hopeful age. It breaks Makoto’s heart to see Nagito like this. All Makoto ever wanted was for his soulmate to be safe and happy. Instead Makoto has to hear his soulmate beg to be killed so that the younger man could become some sort of messiah.

SDR2 happens and Makoto is shocked and heartbroken to see what Nagito does at the beginning of the killing game. Kyoko is the one to explain to Makoto why Nagito is acting so different. When the two met, Nagito had already realised he was going to live longer than foretold, was receiving medical treatment, and was in a more positive/safe environment than he had been for most of his life, so he was relatively mellow by then. However in the simulation he still thinks he only has 6 months to live, is suddenly thrust into a killing game with strangers that he has put on a pedestal with strict standards, he’s not going to act rationally.

(((I like to think Makoto might get a little jealous seeing how much Nagito cares about Hajime in the game, but tries to shake it off, as Nagito doesn’t remember Makoto, and the two never made anything official. Still it’s fun to think of Makoto clenching his chest, looking sad, when Nagito tells Hajime “I’m truly in love with the hope that sleeps inside you.”)))

Makoto especially took it hard seeing Nagito gruesomely kill himself, when all Makoto ever wanted was for the other to live. It’s the closest Makoto had felt to despair (without watching the brainwashing video).

When the survivors wake up from the killing game, Makoto is obv happy to see that they have all their memories and are no longer remnants. Not only that, but that they are all determined to wake up the others. Makoto is sad to leave Nagito behind, but feels better knowing that his classmates will take care of him.

When Makoto is confronted about what he did with the ultimate despairs by the Future Foundation, he is accused of only doing this cuz his soulmate is involved and he should be less biassed, but Makoto argues he would do the same thing regardless because he believes in what he is doing (and we fans know Makoto is telling the truth).

Nagito’s fantasy world does not include Makoto, for the same reason it doesn’t include Hajime and Chiaki, Nagito’s emotions towards them are too complicated for this paradise.

Time continues to pass and the two are unable to meet in person until after the events of final anime. Nagito rushes up to meet Makoto, but is a lot more hesitant, as he feels lost, albeit grateful. A part of Nagito still feels like Makoto should have “defeated” him, but he knows Makoto enough as a person to realise he would never do that. And maybe Nagito believes that Makoto deserves better than a soulmate destined to be killed.

I’m not sure what should happen next. Any thoughts would be appreciated!! Thanks for reading this far!

[ultimateplaylistmaker]

waitttt can you elaborate on the similarities between taka and kokichi? it’s such an interesting comparison

*vibrates* YES I CAN ABSOLUTELY ELABORATE

Ishimaru and Kokichi are both white uniform wearing leaders, both of whom he see problems in society and around them and devote themselves to fixing it. They follow their own set of rules that while are completely comprehensible and understanding to them, tends to leave others in confusion. Both of them (likely) had somewhat tragic upbringings with Ishimaru living in poverty and kokichi (likely) having his own tragic backstory of his own. They're both people who when faced with a motive about keeping information secret immediately went "so we should share them all with everyone" Ishimaru unfortunately was shot down while Kokichi when being denied attempted to force it anyways because its just the right move.

Both have positions of power and ADMITTEDLY this one's more headcanon but I really think Kokichi would just straight up not like the talent system, Kokichi likes chaos and unpredictability, he would find the talent system fucking boring and I cannot be told otherwise. Kokichi's a smart boy who likes interesting things, not to mention he leads a group of people who likely aren't ultimates, you cannot tell me Kokichi would like a system that discriminates against most members of DICE.

You know who else CANONICALLY doesn't like the talent system? Kiyotaka Ishimaru, who has a LOT to say about how geniuses aren't real and how its effort that deserves to be rewarded instead. In the V3 bonus mode, Kokichi even finds Ishimaru's speeches interesting, even if he cloaks it in talk about how as an evil leader it's what he wants to destroy.

The only real true difference is that Ishimaru wants to change society from the INSIDE modeling a better behavior and enforcing change through the systems. While Kokichi wants to change society from the OUTSIDE, putting pressure on systems and actively showing their flaws as a mean to either make it bend and change, or crumple and fall apart.

So if they were able to come together under a common goal, they'd be pretty damn unstoppable as Ishimaru creates change and inspiration on the inside that can feed off the pressure and doubt that Kokichi provides. Plus I think they'd have a lot to learn from each other, Kokichi can help Ishimaru learn how to bend or even break rules for a greater purpose of changing the rules or revealing injustice, and Ishimaru can help give Kokichi a greater understanding of the inside of systems and why people would follow them

Plus could you IMAGINE those two in a debate? It would be fucking FASCINATING! I can just imagine them arguing philosophy and hegel and stoicism and the point of society and all that fun stuff as Kokichi runs from Ishimaru who is trying to give him a detention. It's a good dynamic! They're very similar people who came to different conclusions to achieve SIMILAR GOALS, I LOVE IT

Plus Ishimaru is very much not the top to just go "its just kokichi let it go" because Ishimaru is the kind of person who challenges Celeste to games constantly because he's determined to prove that by studying and skill he can beat her talent, because Ishimaru is one of the few people who sees through that talent isn't everything, he even says things like

"You(Makoto) and me, we're just normal people. We know what it means to have to make an effort."

"I figured this school would be full of geniuses. I mean, I thought everyone would be my enemy."

"So we have to work hard to build a society where those who put in the most effort are properly rewarded!"

"Effort is everything! That's the only way to fix anything in this world! And I have to prove that to all the ordinary people out there so they'll keep on trying!"

"I have to become the ordinary man who can surpass any genius!"

You can't tell me an ultimate with such an unusual mindset wouldn't capture Kokichi's attention, and you can't tell me Ishimaru wouldn't be able to see the sheer amount of effort Kokichi puts into things even if Kokichi tries to make it seem effortless. I think they could balance each other out really nicely, and push the other to improve and refine their beliefs and morality.

[blackrevell]

3, 20, 36 and 59 for the 60 OC questions. I am ready to get text-walled (and will come back with more questions after that :aon-smirk:emoji)

We'll see how brave you'll be after this wall, my comrade ;)

3. What emotion is the hardest for them to deal with?

Boredom. As only the external stimulation runs shallow, her thinking turns inwards. If she can't pick apart a business deal/car/someone's struggle/you name it, she starts to pick herself apart. Alt is a person of objective analysis and prefers to weigh in on everything, knowing ins and outs, keeping track of negatives and positives. Yet with her twisted sense of self-worth, giving herself credit for good things is a struggle. A hungry dark void is a permanent, most loyal companion of her psyche, but as the saying goes — don't stare into it too long, or it will stare back. She needs something (or someone) to keep her internal eye away.

20. When they’re sad or upset, do they need company or some time alone?

Alt would say she needs a moment alone, but it couldn't be further from truth for the reason described in #3: staying alone with her thoughts for too long leads to her mentally devouring herself. A quiet evening with a friend or loved one by her side is good. When she doesn't have anyone for company, she goes for long drives outside the city (see, searching for external stimulus to distract her again). But if she's got the drive and the company to share it with? Perfect, she will patch herself up in no time, find solutions to your troubles, solve global problems and conquer the world.

36. Do they own items that have sentimental value?

Lots of those! For someone who strives to be a mind-over-heart person she is quite sentimental. A little box of printed photographs that she got throughout the years, starting from her times in New York; rarely looks through them though (because someone is afraid of getting into feelings too much). The key from Quadra "Nightwing", which is the only thing she got left from her treasured car. A pile of her little journals where she used to sketch people and machines (the ones she thought she'd never have the chance to actually build one day) during the quiet hours of her work at a bar. One of those journals has a lock of Kurt's hair hidden among its pages that he doesn't know she picked up when he got the bravery to shave it off. Her obsession with sunglasses is sentiment-driven too: when she had to flee New York after the Family Accident™, she stole a pair of sunglasses from a corner store stand, trying to hide herself from unwanted gazes. It was senseless in a way that it wouldn't save her from being recognized by whoever would look for her — technology is way too smart for it even nowadays — but even the most trivial thing to hide behind made her feel safer when she was essentially on the run from the entire world. Fear of being detected has been long gone, but the sunglasses remained.

59. What would they want to be remembered for?

She wouldn't want to be remembered, and neither does she believe in the concept of "being remembered". Within her philosophy, one ends with their passing, and everything left behind is a complex, ever-shifting mosaic of people's interpretations not worth any concern, since there's no control over it anyways. "There was a time when I didn't exist, and there will be a time like this again. I am a consequence of one accident, error in the code. And whenever my time comes, I will be back from 1 to 0. I lived, I made choices. But the code will run forth without me. The simplicity of life. Don't complicate it."

[liladiurne]

Lila’s rec lists: Books Pt.1

I was asked by @younggardencandy for a list of things that inspire me and my writing. I was originally going to just throw things together, but as I started listing books, the list got much bigger than anticipated and I decided to just start with books and then go on to music (and then possibly movies?) I don’t know 🤣. We’ll see. Because I don’t want to annoy anyone, and because I don’t want to spent all day on this (knowing me, that could happen), I’ll split this into many parts. Maybe I can even make this a regular thing! Wouldn’t that be fun? (Well, for me at least...) Anyways, here is part 1!

So, here are some books that I love, and which have influenced me directly and, I’m sure, indirectly. 

Call Me By Your Name (2007) - André Aciman 

This is predictable but I couldn’t start this list any differently. This is probably my favourite book of all time. Aciman is a master when it comes to portraying the various ways in which love tortures us, and isn’t that what I’m all about??? 🤣 In all seriousness, I have recommended this book countless times and I will again and again. I know that there is a movie (and it is great, don’t get me wrong), but this book is something else. It is so much more immersive, so beautifully written, so heartwrenching. After reading it the first time, I couldn’t sleep for days. That’s how much it touched me. And I’ve read it once a year, every winter, since then. I guess reading it in the winter makes me forget about the cold outside and takes me to sunny Italy for a time. 

Briefly, for those who have never heard of it, this book is about a clever 17-year-old who lives in Italy with his parents in the summers. His father is a very prominent professor of archaeology and every summer they host a Phd student in their beautiful villa so that this student can work on their thesis and assist the professor with his work. The book recalls the events of one particular summer where the visitor is a very handsome philosophy student with whom our main character is immediately fascinated. The book is narrated like a trip down memory lane, with various reminiscences of events sometimes vague, sometimes so very vivid. As opposed to the movie, there is a whole two more parts of the story that aren’t shown on screen (a tiny fraction of the second part is shown, but not nearly as much as we see in the book) and there is a considerable timeskip at the end, where the two characters meet again years later. It is an incredible story of how even the briefest of love stories can change us and remain with us throughout our lives.

Extract:  But all these hours were strained by fear, as if fear were a brooding specter, or a strange, lost bird trapped in our little town, whose sooty wing flecked every living thing with a shadow that would never wash. I didn’t know what I was afraid of, nor why I worried so much, nor why this thing that could so easily cause panic felt like hope sometimes and, like hope in the darkest moments, brought such joy, unreal joy, joy with a noose tied around it. The thud my heart gave when I saw him unannounced both terrified and thrilled me. I was afraid when he showed up, afraid when he failed to, afraid when he looked at me, more frightened yet when he didn’t. The agony wore me out in the end, and, on scalding afternoons, I’d simply give out and fall asleep on the living room sofa and, though still dreaming, know exactly who was in the room, who had tiptoed in and out, who was standing there, who was looking at me and for how long, who was trying to pick out today’s paper while making the least rustling sound, only to give up and look for tonight’s film listings whether they woke me or not.

The Unbearable Lightness of Being (1984) - Milan Kundera

It’s been a few years since I’ve last read this one, and taking it out of my bookshelf reminded me that I should really give it another go. This is a very philosophical novel, and I’m sure I didn’t get half of the references and symbolism in there, but I enjoyed it anyway, and I remember parts of it often. The essence of it has stayed with me. When I say it’s “philosophical”, I hope I’m not putting anyone off 🤣 because it’s enjoyable, I swear! The writing is beautiful, the characters are fascinating. It’s also sort of a political novel, taking place during the Soviet occupation of Czechoslovakia in the 60s, so there’s an historical aspect to it as well. 

The story is centred around four main characters: a doctor, his wife, his mistress, and his mistress’ lover. The central theme of the book is that lightness, in the title, which means that our lives are “light” because everything in them occurs only once, and as such, every single decision and every event can have irrevocable consequences. Or, at least, that’s what I got from it. 

Extract: We can never know what to want, because, living only one life, we can neither compare with our previous lives nor perfect it in our lives to come.  Was it better to be with Tereza or to remain alone? There is no means of detecting which decision is better, because there is no basis for comparison. We live everything as it comes, without warning, like an actor going on cold. And what can life be worth, if the first rehearsal for life is life itself? That is why life is always like a sketch. No, sketch is not quite the word, because a sketch is an outline of something, the groundwork for a picture, whereas the sketch that is our life is a sketch for nothing, an outline with no picture.

Hunting and Gathering (2004) - Anna Gavalda

If you love found family stories, you’ll absolutely love this book. The story takes place in Paris and is about four very different people who find each other: Camille, a young artist suffering with anorexia who works as a cleaning lady at night; Philibert, a shy aristocrat with obsessive compulsive disorder; Franck, an outspoken womaniser chef; and Paulette, a senior lady living in a retirement home and longing for her house and her garden. I fell in love with these characters, with their insecurities and the way their messy lives cross and how they come to understand and love each other in spite of their differences. 

Extract:  Camille really wanted to draw her. Paulette’s face evoked little blades of grass from the roadside, wild violets, forget-me-nots, buttercups. A soft face, open, gentle, luminous, fine like Japanese paper. The lines of sorrow disappeared behind the vapor rising from the tea and gave way to a thousand little kindnesses at the corners of her eyes.  Camille thought she was lovely. Paulette was thinking exactly the same thing. She was so graceful, this young thing, so calm and elegant in her vagabond’s trappings. She wished it were spring so she could show her the garden, the quince branches in bloom, and the scent of the seringa. No, this girl was not like other girls.  An angel from heaven, who had to wear huge bricklayer’s boots to stay down here among us.

The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle (1994-1995) - Haruki Murakami

This is surely not the only Murakami book that will find itself on one of these lists, but it is so far my favourite (I have yet to read everything he’s written, though I think I can say I’m slowly getting there). How to explain this book? My gosh. It is such an adventure, I don’t think it’s possible to even summarise it. Let’s just say it starts when the main character begins searching for his lost cat, and then it all turns into a truly gripping mystery in which his wife goes missing as well and he meets a succession of very interesting and mysterious characters, in true Murakami fashion. This author is one of my absolute favourites. He is a master of magical realism and my god does he know how to grip a reader. Also, I aspire to reach his level of character building and dialogue. Oh, the dialogues. I like to say that every time two characters sit down for coffee in a Murakami novel, something incredible is about to be revealed. I devoured this book (which is quite a little brick, believe me) in something like three days. It’s funny, intriguing, touching, thought-provoking. I wish I could even begin to explain the plot, but then that might ruin all the mystery and the fun of discovering it for yourself!

Extract:  Anyway, it seems to me that the way most people go on living (I suppose there are a few exceptions), they think that the world of life (or whatever) is this place where everything is (or is supposed to be) basically logical and consistent... It’s like when you put instant rice pudding mix in a bowl in the microwave, and push the button, and you take the cover off when it rings, and then you’ve got rice pudding. I mean, what happens in between the time when you push the switch and when the microwave rings? You can’t tell what’s going on under the cover. Maybe the instant rice pudding first turns into macaroni gratin in the darkness when nobody’s looking and only then turns back into rice pudding. We think it’s natural to get rice pudding after we put rice pudding mix in the microwave and the bell rings, but to me that’s just a presumption. I would be kind of relieved if, every once in a while, after you put rice pudding mix in the microwave and it rang and you opened the top, you got macaroni gratin.

Madame Bovary (1857)  - Gustave Flaubert

I felt like I had to put at least one classic novel on this first list, and I couldn’t think of a better one to start with. It’s funny because the first time I read this book, I absolutely hated it. Either I was too young to understand or pay attention to the meaning of the story or it’s simply because I read it for school, which has the power to take the joy out of reading, doesn’t it? But for some reason, I felt inclined to read it again years later and wow did I fall in love with this book! 

First of all, it should be noted that Madame Bovary, for the time it was written, was truly revolutionary. A story told not only from the point of view of a woman, but including such subjects as adultery, and the hardships of the feminine condition. Flaubert was actually accused of insulting public morals for writing this, and was only allowed to publish the book uncensored after being acquitted. 

Madame Bovary is about a woman with dreams and hopes who aspires to live a full and adventurous life, but finds herself trapped in a boring and disappointing marriage with a humble man with whom she has barely anything in common. It’s so heartbreaking and so beautifully written that I don’t understand how I didn’t love this book at first reading. Shame on you, younger Lila! Shame on you! 

Extract: At the bottom of her heart, however, she was waiting for something to happen. Like shipwrecked sailors, she turned despairing eyes upon the solitude of her life, seeking afar off some white sail in the mists of the horizon. She did not know what this chance would be, what wind would bring it her, towards what shore it would drive her, if it would be a shallop or a three-decker, laden with anguish or full of bliss to the portholes. But each morning as she awoke, she hoped it would come that day; she listened to every sound, sprang up with a start, wondered that it did not come; then at sunset, always more saddened, she longed for the morrow.

[chaotic-timelord]

Tss hcs

Dorian has nightmares about people he killed, and usually can’t help but think about The Night [TM]

Kat gets super excited when she and Zachary meet again, and Zachary introduces Dorian to her, but, because of Zachary’s past relationships, she’ll make sure to be a moment alone with Dorian and threaten to literally kill him of he hurts Zachary [Dorian’ll probably be a bit surprised, since Kat looks harmless, but then promise he won’t]

after Dorian tells him everything that happened to him while they were under the ‘library’, Zachary starts viewing owls in a different [positive] way and might also ‘adopt’ one

Zachary’ll keep on studying video-games, and then become a writer, a librarian or a librarian who’s a writer in his free time

I feel like Dorian’d return to school [assuming that he dropped out when his sister died or when he got into the club, or had finished school already when he first got to know about The Starless Sea], study either philosophy, literature or poetry if he doesn’t didn’t already, and might become a high-school / university teacher [gives me teacher vibes for some reason]

Zachary’s a cat person and Dorian a dog one

Kat has / wants to have a parrot

Kat’ll notice the key and sword marks Zachary and Dorian have on their chests, but won’t ask anything about it 

Ellie’ll rescue Simon when the Sea reaches the rocks he’s sitting on, and maybe they won’t recognise each other at first, but them one of them’ll notice something about the other one and Ellie [who didn’t live in the same time period as Zachary and Dorian, but’ll still learn quickly how things work there] will help Simon adapt to living on Earth in the ‘present’, and she’ll of course also have to stand him cursing against modern clothes that don’t have as many buttons as his [lol]

Dorian’ll actually be a bit surprised [but hide it] by Love Rawlins knowing Zachary’d come back with his new boyfriend, and he doesn’t really believe fortipune tellers and so on but still respects them and get along with Zachary’s mother

they won’t tell anyone what happened in the ‘library’, since most people’d think they’re lying anyway, but i think they’ll actually go there again when they’re stressed [after somehow managing to get the honey out]. The Keeper’d go there to take his diares, and Zachary to bring all the books in a good condition out and read them [by the amount of books in there, he’ll rarely go to the library in the city he lives in]

Dorian’ll try to hide his past to Zachary at first, but Zachary’ll probably want to know how he tried to kill Mirabel [they already talked about Dorian believing that what the club did was right, so he can easily suppose why he did it] and what happened afterwards, and, Dorian, if my hc about him having nightmares and lots of flashbacks about it [like the one outside the bar, when he literally started shivering and it wasn’t because of the cold] is right, will eventually almost have a breakdown because of it and quickly tell about it all to Zachary [am i the only one who can easily imagine him sobbing while laying on the floor and shivering, basically in his own traumatising world, while Zachary’s really worried and’s sitting next to him trying to get him back to reality??]

Rhyme’ll return to school and finish whatever she was studying, i think it might be music basing on her name and vibes, or she might become a librarian in a normal library, and for some reason i’m kind of shipping her with Kat

both Zachary and the Keeper’ll adopt cats, the Keeper’ll take the one Zachary saw when he first got in the Heart, and Zachary the one that was next to him near the end, on the beach 

Ellie and Simon’ll check if his cottage still exists or if it’s the one Ellie saw the ruins of, and they’ll rebuild it, make it a bit more modern and live there. I also hc Ellie as an animal-cottagecore lover, so the house’d be full of plants and little animals’ll probably feel safe enough to go next to it, since Ellie’d pet them and often think about the time she ‘was a bunny’

Simon’s allergic to cats, dogs and peanuts. Idk why, he just gives me those vibes

Zachary’s favourite food’s sushi, and he always dresses in a cozy-nerdy way

Dorian’s still a bit nervous about what alive members of the club could do, so he keeps on looking around to make sure no one’s following him or Zachary and still dresses in his formal way, again to avoid being really noticed, but Zachary’ll eventually get him to calm down a bit

Dorian doesn’t celebrate any holidays and is both non-spiritual and non-religious [totally not self-projecting /sarc]

Most of these probably make no sense, but- I was bored and my mind was very excited about that book once again

[starsdailyjournal]

Funfacts!!

I think I am a lot of things, personally (gay (hmu ladies)) and I wanted to boast about what a cool gal I am! And since my account is sort of about mental health I wanted to tell yall about some of the things I've faced as someone who has had a poor one for most of their life because 1 I like to talk about myself and 2 I want more people talking about the less discussed parts of mental health because everyone deserves to tell their story without having to feel like their's is too gross or different.

Lemme start with some red flags

I TWEAK over adopt me like I spend real money and time on that game it's unhealthy

I was gonna start and internet based cult and become a diety so that I could fake my death and ask for offerings before I go (adopt me pets) but I gave up

I have 5 stick and poke tattoos I did with no tutorials (they look super cool (they dont))

One of those tattoos are vampire bite marks (I did yesterday its the best decision I ever made)

I never EVER use tutorials I wing it every time with everything like I cut my own hair with scissors from the kitches without even LOOKING AT A PICTURE I just hope it looks cool and emo and that my bangs will make me partially blind

Whenever I do wing it, it always works out (im a god)

I LOVE LOVE LOVE VAMPIRES hellsing ultimate is my fav anime ever and nothing can top it

I love the winter it's my fav season because it's so gloomy

I dress scene but I use only emo colors and I listen to only gabber and scene (my guilty pleasure is some pop)

I don't even look that scene because I can't go shopping BECAUSE IM BROKE and my mom thinks shes above thrifting (she lives in a one bedroom apartment infested with cockroaches) and my dad is always busy. But I diy all the rips in my clothes and try to do the best I can!!

Honestly my style doesnt need a label because idrc abt those I just wanna do what I wanna do frfr

I don't take my own advice sometimes

I'm a vampire

I'm pan in the worst way (I only care abt looks IDGAF abt gender)

I value looks A LOT

I hope that was red enough but here are my green flags!!!

I'm really smart though I don't look it at all (stereotypes are funny with me because I'm indian and REALLY alternative)

I'm really good at specifically math (because of trauma)

I'm trying to better myself

I LOVE MINECRAFT (and roblox but minecraft a little more)

I love to write

I love philosophy (I also hate it for moral reasons)

I like to draw a tad

I'm not british

I'm wise as hell and people should listen to my advice more frfr

ADHD (its a green flag idc)

I LOVE BFDI AND INANIMATE INSANITY IM AN OG BFDI FAN IVE BEEN WATCHING SINCE FOREVER (2016)

I love to read (but not digitaly it makes it weird)

I love spending time with my family (97% of the time)

I love money (its a GREEN flag to me (your so funny stars! (IkIk no need to aplaud) *applause*)(*blushes cutely*))

I'm so funny

i have 30 dollars saved up (pls dont mug me!!)

Anyway I'll make posts on stuff like mental health, stuff I find funny or interesting or cool etc but I need to change out of this hoodie im getting way too sweaty

Edit: I'm not recoloring this post bc its rlly annyoing to do it and like I can't even seen anything outside of dark red and black on my laptop so like

[cle-news]

Just for information. I may be a monkey. But for some reasons wich is hard to explain to a monkey. I don't deserve to die in any case. So, becarefull of what kind of shit you put in your brain !

Maybe we should close the public debate !

(Undercover Unlisted Mormon who had Thug printed on his face, and deadly teachers, who can't understand that you get what you saw. And that you should not administrate an "unrecoverable" death sentence to a child, especialy when he is an undercover genius, who's been ask to look like a thug because of the system. And likes S&M since it stay a good game. Those clowns are realy special in fact ... - I love you too ... Keep people up, so they can give the best of themself... It's a philosophy ... - Luckily we try to not make more of dem anymore... So if you are an Unlisted Mormon Genius, you're not a thug, you are a Dark Rabbit and realy should stay that way...)

Anyway, I think I had enough ! And now I surely don't deserve to die in any case. Cause I can't even use my cover anymore and still an unlisted mormon, even more than before ! So, becarefull of what kind of shit you put in your brain !

Does Larry Page and Sergey Brin should be kill ? I have the right to ask a question ... You've got 40 years ...

The answer is : don't even ask the question ! GOD DAMN IT ! So, if it's OK for me. You've got 40 years... Of public debate on the fact that we should or we should not killing you ! Have you been a good Christian from the age of 2 years old to 40, while living in hell ? At least you've got money...

I think we should focus on today...

Yes I konw. I need to relax... I work on it. So no assault on me for a moment... Exept if you accept to be charge responsable of the non leathal consequences that you'll get. Cause I'm actualy innocent and desurve retributions and surely not more "death". As we agreed ?

Does Larry Page and Sergey Brin should be kill ? I have the right to ask a question ... You've got 40 years ...

Anyone Who says "Are you sure ?" to someone who says "no" outside of a court (or in a without death penalty country) should get my place, untill enough ones tells it for him ! (Exept for sarcastic purpose, of course, there's some exeption) Or untill he swears to never tell it again and wait 1 years. I'm still alive after 20 ... (That's not so bad... ?! Goood, you don't need an exeption for you) (And that's an important Rabbit report...)

Of course, anyone who say "yes" can be charge for "Murder Incitation". And anyone who trys to make it happens ... I'm not JFK ?! No I'm JFK24. But it's basicly the same today...

Ps "We are not killing him, we just bully him to death !" The court is this way red-handed deadly bully ... When I thought that even in the future, most of them will only get a ticket and an appropriate loss of money relativ to victim harm compensation...

[transrightsyamaguchi]

thoughts on volume 5 of real:

not very many actually. other than the Plot Events are picking up so there's lots of things for me to react to but not much internal torment to analyze.

oh but we're back to takahashi. we didn't see him at all in the last volume so he's getting some focus again. he gets to go outside!! and in a controlled manner that does not involve him crashing through a set of glass doors!! but this does not end well.

in fact it ends far worse than it appears on first read.

nomiya. dude. it's nice that you're trying to make amends with natsumi but she's probably not into you. unless it's turning into an "it's over for you now i'm in your head" situation which it kind of looks like it is? she seems to be warming up to him at least. they are talking to each other and they sure are saying things.

she is so real for this but she better not start a love triangle. kiyoharu and azumi already have enough problems without a Secondary Love Interest getting involved.

kiyoharu made the national team! look at him getting interviewed :3 he is not having a good time. he's so silly

but he still works at the porn store and his home team has barely enough people to qualify as a team. and to top it off his best friend is starting the dying process and is letting the bad thoughts come out. it didn't occur to me until just now that there might be Death in this manga but now i'm scared. i Will cry when it happens even though i know very well it's coming. yama...

at least in his depressed state yama can still See what azumi and kiyoharu Cannot See. (smacking them) hurry up and date. or. in yama's words. hurry up and fuck.

i wonder what yama's thematic relevance is. in the midst of this whole idea of chasing dreams only because our lives are imperfect and moving forward after tragedy we have a character who literally can't move forward. his life philosophy when he shared it with kiyoharu in the last volume was very present-oriented. he didn't allow himself to dwell on his inevitable future so he could live in the present, but now that inevitable future is his present. ough i'm not quite smart enough to make the thematic connection.

anyway here come the Consequences Of Takahashi's Actions with a steel chair. our boy is as unmotivated and depressed as ever. the effects of nomiya's little pep talk from volume 3 have worn off and now he doesn't want to try anymore. get him on a basketball court asap. even if it's just in the stands. get him some friends!! where's fumika when you need her!! get this boy some hope for the future damn it!! hit him with that narrative theme!!

good lord the panels of takahashi's mother alone in her apartment. ough. girl is not coping nearly as well as it seems. but we End The Volume on a panel of takahashi's absentee father coming to town so. hopefully that's good.

anyway a lot of plot development happened with all three of our leads but only one of them got a beautiful sunbathed panel. hi babygirl (once again this is an adult man)

[yeonhanneul]

Makeup: A routine.

I think it started on the beginning of my third grade. I remember that time, Cinta, a friend of mine, talked about how she wishes she had a friend who is passionate about make up as she is to it. Me and Cinta, that time, mostly talks about small philosophy of things around us, ahem, and skin care. But never make up because I haven't discovered the joy of using them.

When I first think about makeup, is it okay for me to do it? I mean, the whole life, I'm so exposured by traditional gender culture. I've always been taught that make up is only for the girls. Although, at that time, I know for sure that there are men who do make up, like cosplayers and K-Pop Idols. Still, this question made me unsure on trying make up for the first time.

I think I was still unsure about trying one until I reached Ricky Choi's YouTube channel. He's a Korean man, who lives in Vancouver, who talks mostly about fashion, beauty, and lifestyle. I started watching his videos just by curiosities, and then seeing him enjoying doing make up, I thought to myself, why don't I try some and see whether will I enjoy it or not? So, I did.

It's a bit embarrassing to remember this lol. I finally bought a drugstore foundation. It was from Wardah's and it has a mate finish. The shade actually matches with mine, but because I thought that I should use it the same way I use my moisturizer made it seem like I'm wearing such a heavy product on my face. And the funny thing too, lol, up until now, that foundation has not been empty yet.

I told Cinta the next day that I'm starting to do make up now, not just skin care and she was like "Omg, omg, finally someone to talk about make up with," lol. But it was still the very beginning of my make up journey.

Not long after, my father gave me some voucher from the company he works at, and I thought to myself why not buy some make up to add to the collection? I later on asked for some recommendation from Cinta and decided to buy a concealer and a foundation powder and this very part is where all of it really started, I began to wear makeup daily.

Ever since I wear makeup daily, I started to wake up earlier in the morning to leave some 15 minutes for makeup and skin care routine. The area underneath my eyes is a bit dull and darker so doing concealer every morning, without me realizing it, has become a routine for me. As someone who has big pores and oily skin too, that powder foundation has really helped me to tone them down and since I bought a compact powder foundation, I brought it to the schools too and do touch ups during the second breaktime. And without me realizing it, I think that time, I have built a dependency on makeup.

All thanks to Eygist, a friend of mine who I've always known for being the girl with most healthy-looking face. She is that skin girl you know, she knows what she's doing to her skin, and she knows that she did them all to make her happy the most importantly. I think she started to realize I developed dependency on makeup was when I told her that I'm not confident to go outside without any makeup on. It was so hard at time to think of myself being seen with my large pores, my acne scars, and my dull face. So, she told me, "Stop doing all of those makeup, they're supposed to make you feel as you are, not to make you feel uncomfortable for being who you are.".

It is still a long way to go through. I would lie to her on some days when I wear makeup, I told her no I don't or I only told her that I only wear a little bit concealer underneath my eyes, but in reality, I wear them all over my face because my acne is really making me insecure.

Cinta started to notice that too and she told me basically the same thing. It was funny to remember that at the first I was so unsure of wearing makeup and later on I developed dependency on it. I mean, we never know what would happen to us anyway lol.

Then arrived the holiday. I spent most of the times with family, and I feel so comfortable around them that I've got this feeling that they will just see me as fine as I am with makeup on or not.

I felt so comfortable during that time. Not putting anything but skin care does make my face happy. It felt like as if they finally getting a rest.

So, by the time school began again, I tried to limit myself from doing anything with heavy makeup. When do my make up, it was just concealer and a bit of powder along T-zones. I felt better.

And I think that I finally found the makeup style that I truly liked.

Clean makeup or so what people call.

I think, in my definition, clean makeup is a minimalistic approach to makeup that instead of trying to change your face feature, clean makeup aims to enhance the natural features that we've already had. Or simply put, my skin but in my best skin day.

And I also think that this very style is what I should do instead in most of high school years as it is very minimal and encourage you to be confident on your own face features.

I've always thought that smooth skin that has no pores are the perfect ones. But now I decided just to embrace my skin the way it is and when I use cc cream concealer on it, I prefer not to deal with it to cover them up instead, but to work with it and to make my skin seems just as natural as possible.

Lots of kudos to Haley Kim, my favorite makeup influencer on the internet.

Nowdays, I'm just confident the way I am with just putting tiny amount of concealer underneath my eyes and lips. Sometimes, I use cc creams on day I felt like it, not because I'm pressured to do it. I sometimes use brow gel too, but I'm doing them all because I'm enjoying myself.

I think that is the most important message I got from this whole makeup routine. Feeling confident starts from feeling beautiful, and feeling beautiful starts from feeling confident about yourself.

In the end, we're human. Pursuing those beauty standards is just impossible and let me tell you, there are a lot of beauty influencers on the internet who uses filters while applying makeups to make it seem as if they're perfect the way the beauty standards wanted. It is ironic as it is destroying their own self-esteem.

What I wanna do and I wish that people do from now on is that people do something because they're truly enjoying it, not because they feel pressured to do it.

Okay, thank you for reading my messy first post.

[membraneshock]

Newgrave Issue #3 Dir en grey Interview

Interview with Kaoru and Shinya from Dir en grey on May 17th, 2001 at Shibuya, Tokyo, Japan.

What does the name “Dir en grey” mean?

Kaoru: It means “greyish silver coin”...it’s a kind of coinage German (”dir”), French (”en”) and English (”grey”) rolled into one.

Who came up with this name?

Kaoru: Each of us came up with a different name for the band at first. Then, I forgot who, maybe me, but someone came up with this name, and in the end it was the one we chose. In fact I preferred this name from the start. However, there were some members who didn’t prefer this one, but with a little persuasion I got them to agree to it. (smile)

How long have you all been friends?

Kaoru: Well, it’s been 5 or 6 years...it’s a bit uneven between each members, but for the most part it has been almost 6 years.

Is there a certain theme or philosophy behind the music and imagery of Dir en grey?

Kaoru: …No, nothing in particular. I mean, we have nothing in particular that we want to express in words. Anyways, we would like people to listen to our music at first, and then we are curious what they would start to think. We don’t have any opinion to force on the people. And perhaps you could think of that as our theme.

Well, I see. Are your fashion and costumes your own creations or do you have outside designers?

Shinya: Well, first we create our own imagery by ourselves, and then bring that to our designer, and from those designs we work together with the designers to create the clothes.

How do you feel when you see cosplayers dressing like you? Do you ever purposely create a really strange and bizarre fashion just to see if anyone tries to copy it?

Kaoru: Are you asking if I create something that they can hardly cosplay…?

Yes… do you, Kaoru?

Kaoru: Well, yes. I think I actually do. I try to create my clothes as strange as possible so nobody can copy them. Also, when they see our photographs, it would often be impossible to make them out the details of the black clothes or something… Then I try to design its detail elaborately so nobody can recognize them on the photographs. It would be amazing, and I would appreciate it if anyone were to find out the detailed design, and cosplay perfectly, but I usually create mine in a way that I doubt someone would be able to copy them perfectly. (smile)

How about you Shinya?

Shinya: No, it’s not for me. I don’t take my image so seriously.

Well, what is your favorite song to play live?

Kaoru: Hm…my fav? …I like them all, but as a guitar player, I prefer the songs that I am more confident in playing the guitar solo, so I like our latest song titled “Ain’t Afraid To Die” best recently. I feel this kind is better to play live.

Shinya: For me, Macabre… A song titled “Macabre”, which is on the album titled “Macabre”, is the best.

What are your thoughts about the whole mp3/Napster movement on the internet? Do you think it has helped your band or hurt your record sales? What’s your opinion, Kaoru?

Kaoru: Yeah, I think of it as just another kind of promotion or something…You know what I mean? For instance, singles are ok as mp3 files, because these songs would usually be featured on the radio or TV as well. We just think of that as promotion, so I think in the same way about the internet. However, when speaking of albums, I don’t like to put our albums into this movement. You know when I was young, it was a pleasure that I had to save my money to buy the CDs of the bands I liked, and it was great fun that I could take them in my hands. So I don’t agree with a movement that is operating only with sounds. Although it seems all right to me to work with these sound files, as long as they get people interested, and to listen to our music. However, it’s absolutely impossible for us to think of this movement as our main action program.

Then, could you tell me your thoughts, Shinya?

Shinya: I’m afraid I’m not so curious.

Do you have no interest?

Shinya: Exactly.

I see. Then, how do you see your sound evolving? Are you still changing?

Kaoru: Well, yeah, there’s been some evolution actually. It’s so natural because, for instance, what we listen to is still evolving as well. Also I don’t think it is cool to do the same thing forever. If it were really cool, we would have played all the concerts with all the same songs, you know. We are always wanting to do different things, so we can feel fresh all the time. I would rather we change and evolve all the time.

Is there any style of music that is starting to find its way into Dir en grey that wasn’t there in your previous releases?

Kaoru: Yes there is, but you know if I mention it, I will absolutely have to do it…(laughter)

Have your musical inspirations changed a lot since the early days of Dir en grey?

Kaoru: Yeah of course, yes, everything has changed, along with mentality.

Have there been any American bands that have had an influence one you?

Kaoru: When I was younger and easily influenced, I rarely listen to American bands. But after that, there have been a lot of impressive bands in America. However, I don’t think of them as an influence.

Who would some of your favorites be?

Kaoru: Well, speaking of current bands, recently, … which kind should I mention (smile)… It’s not the latest band, but I liked Snot. Also, lately Papa Roach or something…, do you know them? (smile)

I guess you know the American bands pretty well?

Kaoru: Yeah (smile) I like these kinds. And also I like some of more popular bands like Rage or Linkin Park. I sometimes go and see their concerts. So to say, I like the bands which have an element of entertainment. I mean, a band that just makes you curious when you see the inside of their CD cover for the first time…

Well, have there been any bands for you, Shinya?

Shinya: There’s been no one at all.

No one at all? …I see. From what I understand, most of you were big fans of X-Japan. Wha t was it like to work with Yoshiki as your producer? Were you very nervous in the studio while working with him?

Kaoru: It seemed like nothing but tenseness. Both of us [Kaoru and Shinya] were very much influenced by X [X-Japan]. So much that we started to think we wanted to have our own bands at first. I could not help getting nervous…(laughter)… I worried that I would not be able to do my job very well if I was too nervous; so I tried to change my way of thinking while working with him. I had to be myself no matter how much I admired him. Anyway, we both, Yoshiki and us aimed to create the best stuff we could, and we had to be more than a star and some fans to do it well.

Shinya, both of you and Yoshiki are drummers, aren’t you?

Shinya: Yes.

In this respect how did you feel about him as a producer?

Shinya: Well, at first I got very nervous, and before that I was thinking he would be very very severe to me…, but in fact, I was so glad that he treated me kindly.

You didn’t expect that he would be kind to you, did you?

Shinya: Oh well. (laughter) So to speak… (more laughter)

Was it your request that Yoshiki worked as your producer? Or was it him that offered to work with you?

Kaoru: It was not him, we asked him to do that.

Is there still anyone else that you hope to work with as your producer or guest musician?

Kaoru: As for an outside producer, I don’t think we need one anymore. Of course it would depend on how we would want to appeal to the listeners, but I wonder if the name of the producer was too big, it would let the people prejudge our music. You know they often judge bands like that? And I don’t like that. Hopefully someday, we will find out the way to do something with great guest musicians, without them beings producers. But anyways, it’s still hard for me to give an example. For the present I will have to try very hard to evolve until I deserve to work with those respectable musicians.

It sounds like you also hope to work with some musicians in foreign countries?

Kaoru: …That’s right. Well, I don’t feel like devoting all my energy to doing things like that, but I do hope to do something with some other people. And not only as guest musicians; there are so many people I would like to collaborate on something with.

Is it hard for you to mention who right now?

Kaoru: Yes, too many to mention. Also, nothing seems to change if I mention them or not, you know what I mean? (smile)

Shinya, is there someone you personally hope to work with?

Shinya: Nobody in particular.

You all must receive many gifts from your fans. What do you think was your favorite gift?

Kaoru: There’s a kind of humidifier that sprays de-ionized steam. Someone gave me that and I liked it best.

Oh, it sounds useful.

Kaoru: Haha, yeah. I don’t think I would buy stuff like that for myself, (laughter), but I love to use it if I have it; so I mean my favorite gifts have been the things like that. Also, stuff like underwear is my favorite, because I don’t go out shopping just to look into the underwear shop so often, you know. So, I’d have to say my favorite gift is something that would be useful.

Shinya: I got a vacuum cleaner from a fan.

Vacuum cleaner? Well, something usable again. (laughter) You may get something more from the USA, when this interview is printed…

Kaoru: What do you expect we would get?

I mean something “made in USA”…

Kaoru: Oh! Yeah recently I got one, it was a waterproof CD deck. I got this as a gift and it was made in USA. It was with waterproof speakers also. I really liked it.

What concert or band experience has been the most memorable, strange, or embarrassing?

Kaoru: Ah, I had a strange experience that my clothes were ripped and taken off.

Oh, during a concert?

Kaoru: At the concert, yeah. I dove into the audience. I was wearing my clothes at that point, but when I got back to the stage I was topless. (laughter)

Shinya, what about you?

Shinya: When we were playing at a small club, other members of the band popped me into the audience.

Then what happened?

Shinya: They crumpled me up like…(tearing his hair). I was desperate to get back on stage.

Now that you are playing huge concert halls, do you ever miss the intimacy of smaller venues like that?

Kaoru: I don’t miss the intimacy itself.

Does it feel the same?

Kaoru: Yes, because there’s still the same good communication in the huge halls as the small clubs. At the halls we can see the audience so well, you know we can see each face of the audience more clearly the at the small venues, so I rather feel the intimacy better. But, talking about the groove of playing live, I sometimes miss the small clubs. Sometimes I really feel like playing the concert at a smaller venue.

How about you Shinya? Do you ever get frustrated with being the drummer, because you are stuck behind the drum set while the rest of the band members get to run around on stage an interact with the audience?

Shinya: I usually don’t feel like that.

Can you also feel the communication between you and the audience?

Shinya: Yeah.

Do you play any instruments other than the drums?

Shinya: No, I don’t.

From what I understand you have recently been to Los Angeles. I was also told that you plan to return soon. What was your impression of America?

Kaoru: My first time? My first time was that… I felt like going home. (laughter) To be honest my throat was sickly, and I don’t like the dry weather. I also dislike the wet though. (smile) You know, it was so dry there; so I got a sore throat and had a fever at first. I kinda got homesick pretty badly and I really felt like getting back to Japan, but then I had adjusted myself to the California weather.

Before you came here, what did you expect LA to be like? How was it different from your expectations?

Kaoru: Well, I didn’t expect much, but my expectation what that there must be places like I had seen in some Motley Crue videos. (laughter)

I used to expect the same. (more laughter)

Kaoru: I imagined it like this. There’s a large car with some chicks, and a young cool guy drives both the car and the chicks, and there’s all kinds of cars like this everywhere… (laughter) An amazing world like that.

Then did things seem different in reality?

Kaoru: Too different. (everyone’s laughter) There was an ordinary world.

Well, I would like to ask some questions about your latest release song “Ain’t Afraid to Die.” From its title I expected an aggressive song like Dir en grey’s ever-popular releases, bit this sounded quite different and I got surprised. Did you expect a reaction like this?

Kaoru: No, not at all.

It was unexpected?

Kaoru: Well, no…I don’t know…

Was this title thought up by all the members?

Kaoru: I named this song. All the members thought about it though. Well, like you said, yeah I think I actually expected that kind of reaction a bit. I thought a little bit about the word “Die,” and how at first sight it would be impressive, and how someone may think this song would seem dirty or something. But anyway, I thought up this title from the meaning of the lyrics. So, I didn’t think this title was so different from the imagery of the song.

Shinya, you remixed this song and your remix is also in this CD, and it was very beautiful and romantic. Was that your favorite style of music?

Shinya: Yes, it was.

Was that style only your idea?

Shinya: I came up with the idea by myself, and after that created the sound with our manipulator.

Well, wasn’t there any influence from the other members?

Shinya: Nope, not at all.

Then which version do the band usually play on stage?

Kaoru: Of course the first original version. The one with the entire band’s sound on it.

I see. The lyrics of this song tell a story and I think lots of Dir en grey’s songs do that. Do you think it is a problem that foreign listeners rarely understand your lyrics?

Kaoru: I don’t think it’s a problem. We usually listen to the foreign bands without understanding what they are singing. (smile) So I feel it doesn’t matter.

What do you think Shinya?

Shinya: Well, it doesn’t matter.

Can you leave a message to the American readers?

Kaoru: …What shall I say? (smile) Well, if you get curious about our live concerts, we hope you’ll do something about that. (laughter)

Then, what about you, Shinya?

Shinya: Well…if you get interested a bit, I hope you try and listen to our music.

Thank you very much.

Kaoru + Shinya: Thank you.

Interview with Kyo from Dir en grey via email.

Your vocal style is so bizarre. Where have you found the confidence and inspiration to sing in the manner in which you do? Have you had any formal voice training?

Kyo: No, I never had any voice training. I have found my way all by myself. I just sing with my emotions, whether at the studio or on stage. Any skill of singing doesn’t mean a thing without emotion. Without this, the audience would not be able to sympathize with my songs, or I would lose the meaning of singing.

Where do you find inspiration for your lyrics? Do you write from personal experiences? Do the other members ever dislike your lyrics and advise you not to use them?

Kyo: The other members leave all the lyrics up to me, so they don’t advise me on anything. The first thing I do is, I listen to the music to create an image before writing lyrics for it. I also write lyrics that are a reverse image of the music.

For many visual bands, the singer is always trying to look pretty. You seem to take a different approach to your image. You do not seem as concerned with the “pin-up boy” image as much as most singers do. When you could look pretty, you often decide to come across as scary or disturbing. Is there any conscious reasoning in this approach?

Kyo: I do hate to be “effeminate,” I really hate effeminate things. Also, one silly band has created a weird imagery of visual rock like “queers” to the other people. I never wanted Dir en grey to be judged like this. And you know every visual band almost looks the same. So I wanted to find a strictly different direction of our visual imagery, and maybe we are the “visual rock breakers” or “visual rock dropouts.” Others usually keep out of the nasty image, but I dare to choose this kind, and I would rather like to be disliked to the bitter end.

[darling-i-read-it]

Ghost

Karl Heisenberg x reader

Word Count: 2.4k

Warnings: angst, death, execution, blugering heads in, smut (not to detailed)

Author’s Note: I really ended up liking this one! I hope you enjoy it as well love. I too would simply haunt the hell out of this village.

Requested: by anon, hiii!!! could u possibly do a 2 part karl heisenberg x fem!reader where Y/N used to be the young bride to be yet soon had made the rounds of having an illicit affair with the older and sarcastic bastard that was heisenberg. after being caught, she was executed and now haunts the village and heisenberg is the only one that manages to truly see her when she's haunting and there could be an explicit part but yea! thanks

Summary: the request

I don’t own these characters. They belong to author/director/creator

(not my gif)

Many Years Before 2021

You didn’t really want to get married. You had been raised to believe that it was something you did so that you could live and if you didn’t you would be poor and die soon. It wasn’t the best philosophy but hey, it was what you had.

You looked at yourself in the mirror, touching your collarbones lightly as your gaze followed the dress.

“You look wonderful,” Celeste, your best friend whispered. She had been married a couple of years before you. She didn’t enjoy it. She didn’t like her husband. You imagined you wouldn’t like yours. You had met the groom to be a couple of times and he was decent enough to be a husband but you didn’t love him, that was for sure. There were so few options in the village.

“You don’t think it’s too much?” you asked, brushing your dress down.

“No, no. You look amazing.”

You nodded a bit and had to look away from yourself. You couldn’t see yourself as a bride. You didn’t want to be a bride. Well maybe one day. But not to him.

David walked into the room and looked at you. He didn’t have a reaction. He just smiled a bit, kind of annoyingly, and moved to grab a book from behind you.

“Doesn’t she look amazing David?” Celeste asked, gesturing to you. You felt kind of awkward standing there as he looked you up and down. You didn’t know what to do with your hands.

“She looks nice,” he said. You deflated a little bit but tried not to show it on your face. Celeste made it very obvious though that that was not what you tell your future wife to be. “I’ll be back for dinner at 5.” He turned and left.

You sat down on the bed, putting your head in your hands.

“I need to go for a walk,” you muttered. “Get me out of this dress Celeste.” ====

You had to make dinner but for the moment you were ignoring your responsibilities. The village, though small, still always had something new to find. You walked on the outskirts, ignoring the people as they went past and just looking around.

You walked past the castle, trying not to look up at it. For some reason you were convinced that someone would come and snatch you away if you looked too hard. You walked past it and ended up at the outer edges of town, on one of the trails.

It started to rain and you hadn’t brought a jacket. Yet you didn’t turn back. You stayed on the path that you were on, never having gone this far before. Maybe part of you was hoping it would lead you out of town completely.

“What are you doing all the way out here kitten?” A voice spoke, making you jump. You looked around, searching for the alluring playful male voice. From behind a tree a man emerged. He was wearing a long coat and hat, his hair stringy. He took off the glasses he was wearing to see you better.

“Who are you? I don’t recognize you,” you said, not sure what else to say at first. You knew everyone in town. Everyone knew everyone.

He put his hand out.

“Karl Heisenberg. Who are you? A local yeah?”

“Yes.” You shook his hand. “Y/N.” He let go of your hand and his touch trailed up to your ear, where he felt the pearl earrings you had tried on for the wedding earlier. He looked down at the ring on your finger.

“Where's your husband?” he questioned.

“I don’t have a husband,” you said, much too harshly. You shook your head a bit. “Not yet anyway.” He nodded, leaning against the tree he had just emerged from.

“It’s dangerous out here, don’t they tell you?”

“Who knows anymore? No one ever leaves,” you said. He nodded, surprised at your candor. “Except you. Or are you not from the village?”

“You have a lot of questions don’t you?” “Can you blame me? You’re the first new person I’ve met in years.” He chuckled a bit and nodded.

“I guess I can understand that.” He gestured to the ring.

“What’s the fiance like?”

“You have a lot of questions about my love life Karl.” You crossed your arms annoyed. Karl nodded a bit again.

“I like you.” The way he said it, drawled out a bit and honestly, made your stomach flutter. You panicked for a second. What was that?

“I don’t like my fiance much. But he has a lot of livestock,” you admitted. “It will help my family.” Your voice sounded ashamed as you said that.

“A girl like you can’t marry for love?”

“There’s no one that I love,” you admitted.

Karl thought about it for a second, looking at you up and down. He had met a couple of people from the village but they were usually too scared of him to stay long, or he killed them for an experiment type thing. But he liked you right off the bat.

“Would you like to see somewhere other than the village?” You thought about it for a moment. He was a strange man who you just met outside of your home. He could hurt you. Or he could help you live your life.

“I would.”

====

Karl took you to his factory. He showed you around, told you a bit about the other Lords but not much. You knew Mother Miranda obviously and he expressed his hatred for her. He was interesting and he made you laugh and feel things.

You snuck away why David went to work and went and saw Karl. He showed you more of his inventions. And he liked to hang out with you. He got lonely, not that he would ever admit it.

You sat with him one afternoon, looking at the village from the factory. It was very very faint but it was there.

“I stole this from my sister,” he said quietly, handing you a lipstick. You took it from him, holding it and twisting it to see the colors.

“For me?”

“No, it’s for me. Yes it’s for you,” he said laughing. You chuckled. You put it on your lips, rubbing it together.

“What do you think?”

“You look great.” He was leaning on the ground, holding himself up with his elbow. You were both looking out a window to nature and the village.

“Thank you very much.” You smiled sheepishly and looked down. Your eyes flashed back to him and he had moved closer to you. You hadn’t even noticed. You leaned down and kissed him.

That.

That was what it was supposed to feel like when you kissed someone.

He sat up, putting his hand on the back of your head and pushing your lips further onto his. You breathed him, you felt him as he put you on his lap.

He liked that the village was in view while he held you to him, as each layer of clothing was shredded. As he felt himself move inside of you, he knew that your fiance was in view no matter how strong. Karl felt your body shake in his hands and knew that he loved you. You loved him, you whispered to him when you were both finished.

He took off your wedding ring with his own fingers. He would make you his own one day, he swore it.

====

“What are you looking at?” Celeste asked. You snapped out of it. Your eyes had wandered in the direction of Karl’s factory, though you couldn’t really see it from there. You looked back at her.

“Lost in thought I suppose.”

“What’s that smile?” she asked.

“Huh?”

“That smile?” You shook your head.

“This is my regular smile, don’t worry about it.” Celeste looked at you for a moment longer, puzzled.

“Are you and David getting along better?” she asked. She glanced down at your bare ring finger. It had been bothering her all day.

“I suppose.”

“Where’s your ring?” The two of you were walking to the market to get some things for the week. You looked down at your finger like you hadn’t noticed it was gone.

“Must have dropped it.”

“You say that like it’s not a big deal!” she whispered, grabbing your arm. “What is going on with you? You’re gone all measures of the afternoon, you lose your ring, you have this dazed look on your face all the time-”

“Nothing is wrong with me Celeste.” You yanked your arm away. “Drop it.” She composed herself, shaking her head.

“Whatever you’re doing, stop it. It’s going to get you killed.”

“You’re being dramatic.”

=====

“Look at this one,” Karl said, shoving a fun new invention in your face. You took it from him and laughed a bit.

“What does this one do?” you asked him.

“I don’t know yet,” he admitted. You laughed, tossing it back to him. Sometimes he just put things together and then found out what they did. It worked for him, that was for sure but someday he was bound to get hurt, you were convinced.

“I have to go back to the village. It’s almost dinner time.” You stood up, brushing your clothes off from the grime of the factory.

“You know you don’t have to go back.”

“Yes I do. Otherwise they’ll think I’ve died.”

“Is that so bad?” he weigned. He grabbed your hand but you didn’t let him hold it. You gestured to the door.

“I will see you tomorrow.”

“Your weddings tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow night. I’ll still see you.” You turned and opened the door. He wanted to call for you to come back but he was too prideful for that. He let you go down the hill with the promise that he would see you tomorrow.

The walk back was as swift as it always was. You were practically bouncing. Your mind wasn’t on your wedding, it seemed so miniscule to you now. When you stepped back into your house the ghost of a smile was still on your face.

At the sight of David at the table, the smile faded very quickly.

“David?”

“Where have you been?” Celeste was standing behind him, her arms crossed, face hard. You looked between the two of them.

“I just went for a walk,” you said but it sounded weak.

“Where have you been?” David asked again.

“You go out up to that factory every single day. You come back...with this,” Celeste said, gesturing to the mark on your neck you hadn't even noticed was there.

“I didn’t give it to you.” David said.

“Hey now,” you said, shaking your head. “I burnt myself, that’s all.”

“Do you know what happens to women who have affairs?” David asked, standing up. He grabbed your arm and held it tightly. “They don’t get married.” He threw your arm down and your eyes went wide.

“No. No no, you can’t....”

====

When you didn’t come back the next day, Karl went down to the village. He just narrowly caught the end of the execution. He didn't even think they did that anymore, let alone to you.

He found your fiance and smashed him with his hammer until David was nothing but dust.

You managed to catch the end of that death.

“Karl! Karl what are you-” You rushed up to him and grabbed his arm, only for it to go straight through him. You gasped, eyes wide. Karl turned around but he was the only one who did.

“Y/N?” He went to grab your cheek and went right through you. He shivered.

“What are you looking at, old man?!” Celeste screamed, kneeling beside David's dead body. Karl turned around and realized quickly that no one else could see you. He wasn’t sure how or why or what had happened but you were dead and he could still see you.

He smashed David's head in once more.

====

2021

“There’s someone in the village,” you said. Karl looked over at you, confused.

“Yeah, there’s always people in the village kitten.” You shook your head, eyebrows furrowed and confused.

“No, everyones been killed or hiding in their houses. There's an outsider out there,” you told him. He took a step to his window and looked down at the village, now torn and broken. You were standing beside him but he hadn’t been able to actually touch you since you had died. You floated around the village, haunting people here and there when they caught a glimpse of you, staying around Karl when he went from place to place. He was the only person to talk to you.

“Ethan Winters?”

“I think so. Granted, I can’t say I’ve ever seen him before. Should you tell Mother Miranda?”

“You’ve known me long enough to know I don’t tell Mother Miranda anything I don’t have to.” You crossed your arm.

“I guess you’re right about that. Want me to go back down and check to see where he is?” you asked. Karl nodded.

“There’s a meeting soon. I imagine it will be about him. Be back soon.”

You nodded and started to go back to the village.

“Don’t go too far,” he called. You waved him away.

“You either.”

[thetaekookcloset]

Hi admin, have you done song analysis yet? I would like to know your opinion especially on Tae and Jungkook's personal songs and if there are connections that would highlight their specisl bond.

Hello!  No, I haven’t really touched much on song analysis.  This is because for the most part, I think it’s too hard to really get into.  I’m wary of assuming I know what someone is thinking or intending by song lyrics, even when they’re writing them, let alone when they’re just sharing them.

I do think that the more the guys are involved with the songs themselves, the more likely it is that they mean something, and more I’m able to look at them for, like you said, possible connections.  What I mean by that is if they just share a song recommendation, I think it’s pretty hard to analyze that.  If they work on the song, or do a whole cover of it, it’s a little easier.  And obviously, it’s easiest and more likely to mean something to them if they wrote the song themselves.

I think patterns are maybe the only real thing we can look at with song lyrics.  If a theme or idea comes up over and over again, it’s more likely that it actually means something.

That’s basically my philosophy on the whole song analysis angle, but I’m weak and of course I have thoughts on certain things haha.  I’ll try to keep it relatively brief but touch on the songs I personally see a little more significance in.

“Paper Hearts” - I don’t read too much into the whole “123 theory” thing, but I do think that it obviously means something, both because JK hinted that it did during that fan event, and also because Tae stopped “Never Not” at the 1:23 mark twice during the iconic May 2020 V Live, but I’ll get to that later. Anyway the significance here is that JK changed the timing of this song in his cover so that the line “when there’s cameras” -- referencing needing to hide a relationship in front of the camera -- happened at the 1:23 mark.  That seems pretty significant to me.  Of course, JK would need to hide any romantic relationship in front of cameras, but since Tae seems to know that 1:23 is significant, it seems likely to me that this song cover was significant to JK’s relationship, specifically with Tae.

“Fools” - Again, this one feels significant to me because of the pattern, outside of the song itself, of JK referring to Tae as a fool.  Also, there’s the pattern of both of them really loving Troye Sivan -- not just enjoying his music and referencing him often, but also recreating a photo Troye took with his boyfriend during a photoshoot once.  Certainly it could all be coincidence, but there’s another pattern present in this one too, which is that it touches on themes that come up a LOT for Jungkook: the idea that the singer is longing for a time when he can be with his love to the full extent that he dreams about, but is unable to have right now.

“Nothing Like Us” - This one is pretty obvious.  I might think this was just a cover with no particular significance, but JK has made that impossible lol.  There’s the whole singing the song mournfully outside Tae’s room during Bon Voyage 2 thing, but you know, it’s a spot by the pool so I could ignore that. What I definitely can’t ignore is the time JK was prompted to sing a little bit during that interview and he did a small piece of this song, looking directly at Tae, who smiled shyly and looked down at the floor.  I truly don’t see another way to read this moment than it being JK singing to Tae and Tae knowing it.

“All of My Life” - Ooh, this one hurts my heart a bit.  From what I understand, JK did this cover around the time that the guys were having their disbandment talks, which was also about the time that Jungkook was pulling away from the other members and not talking to them as much.  He’s a good performer and so it’s hard to read much into how emotional he is during this cover, but damn.  Ouch, it hurts to watch.  What links this to Taehyung in my mind is the line about how the singer changed so much when he met the subject of the song.  I feel like we all know that Jungkook has said that a lot about meeting Tae, so it really stands out.  The subject matter of the song fits so well with what was going on for all the guys at the time too.  As far as covers go, this is the one that I see the most significance in where Taekook are concerned.

“Never Not” - All right, so I just said that about “All of My Life” being the most significant cover, but actually maybe this one is.  Again, it just fits really well with what we do know about Tae and JK, but what really makes this seem especially significant is that they both know the song, they both love the song, it’s clear that before their May 2020 V Live they had already sung the song together, and Tae stopped the song at the 1:23 mark during the live.  The song speaks to the idea of first love and meeting someone at a young age -- specifically 17, which is another pattern that comes up a lot with these two -- who you know has left a mark on you forever.  Really romantic and sweet, and this song clearly means a lot to both of them.

“Winter Bear” - I’ve seen a lot of people say that Tae wrote this song about his grandmother?  I have no idea where that idea comes from.  There’s a V Live that Jimin did right after this song came out, where Tae and Hobi end up joining, and Jimin and Hobi ask Tae about the inspiration for the song.  He says that he was watching a Rachel McAdams movie where there’s this proposal scene that happens while Rachel’s character has been sleeping in her bed, and that was the inspiration for the song.  He tells JK the same thing when they’re watching the video together in a Bangtan Bomb.  Anyway, this song has always given me the image of watching a movie in bed with your partner, then you glance over at them and see that they fell asleep, and you just feel this huge swoop of big, big love, and you go from feeling sort of melancholy and sad and wanting comfort to instead just wishing that this person you love sleeps well and has a good night.  I’m big into delulu territory on this one, I know, but I just can’t shake the sense that JK is that winter bear.  (You’ve maybe noticed that sometimes the guys literally refer to him as a polar bear?  Yeah.)

“Sweet Night” - Look, I know a lot of people worked on this song, and that most of the lyrics are vague enough that they could refer to almost anyone’s relationship.  But it’s also true that this song fits so well with Tae and JK and I can’t ignore it lol.  It’s just fits so well with the idea that JK had a huge crush on Tae first and Tae caught feelings later, and it really does a great job at capturing that churning worry of falling for a close friend, that tension between wanting something more with them but not knowing if what you’re picking up on is something real.  It’s a really great little song and I could easily see it being at least inspired by Tae having those feelings for JK.

“Your Eyes Tell” - Ooh, this is another painful one.  God, this song is so beautiful, I love it so much.  This was actually the first song I heard that I couldn’t help linking to Tae and Jungkook.  It’s just SO thematically heavy, like damn.  There is so much heartache and longing contained in this song, but what makes it interesting is that it’s about a love that already exists.  It’s not about unrequited love, it’s about longing for a very real love to be fully expressed.  It’s about a mutual love that, for whatever reason, is held back and restrained, mired in this sadness.  It’s about looking forward to a future where the reason for that restraint is finally removed, and making it through the sadness to reach that point together.  I mean, it’s pretty damn poignant, and if Tae and JK really are together, then the significance of this song seems pretty obvious.  Add to that Tae’s undying love for this song and it’s one that definitely seems to me like it means a lot.  (Tae’s little unfinished song about going for a drive with someone has a similar theme of making it through a period of sadness or darkness, in this case storm clouds, alongside someone -- “In the end, it’s you and I, and clouds that/will disappear.”)

“My Time” - This is yet another song with themes of already being in a relationship but having to hold back from it in some way.  This theme has come up so, so, so many times across all of these songs.  It’s probably the most obvious in this song -- “I can’t hold ya, I can’t touch ya” which later becomes “I will hold ya, I will touch ya, and yes you know, oh yes you know.”  There’s a specific “you” being addressed here.  The thing I find so interesting about this theme is that it isn’t especially common.  Love songs about how much you love someone, sure.  Love songs about being in love with someone and them not loving you back, sure.  But being in love, and it’s mutual, but there’s something still in the way of it, all at the same time?  That’s much more unique, and fits so well with Tae and JK being together but needing to hide it.  This theme comes through in the songs they share, the songs they work on, and the songs they write themselves.  It’s worth noting that, again, anyone in BTS would and does need to hide their romantic relationships from the public eye, but the concept of scrutiny in this way seems to be especially prevalent in Jungkook’s and Taehyung’s music -- most of all in JK’s, but it’s present in both.  I also think there’s meaning in the phrase “and yes you know, oh yes you know,” because it seems to imply that the subject of this song is just as aware of the necessity for this distance as the singer is himself -- they’re in this oppressive place of needing to hide together; it isn’t something that’s being imposed on one of them by the other, but something they’re experiencing from equal positions.

Ultimately, I don’t think we can truly put a lot of stock in song analysis, but it’s certainly fun to think about, and sometimes impossible to ignore.  They’re singers!  It makes sense that we would look for significance in their music, and I think it’s pretty clear that there are certain themes that are important to each of them, and that a lot of those themes overlap in the music they share and work on.

Anyway wow, I didn’t really mean to write that much, but what else is new?  Thank you, anon, for your question -- I hope the answer was satisfying to read!  At least I know I pretty much thoroughly explained all of my personal feelings on the topic lol