#anyway luckily I was still in the parking lot of my therapist office

[floral-hex]

Not going to go into too many details because who really cares, but I’m good now. Mostly. Had a little scare yesterday, got a little sick, it’s whatever.

in the ER

[94monkeys]

November, December and January were the worst months of my life that started out as the best months of my life. I am better, but I’m still not okay.

CW: death (not mine), medical stuff (no gore), emergency room experience

The first week of November was the election we’d been building up to, frankly, 4 years. I was basically eating, sleeping, breathing work from mid-August until the election, and then for several days after until we got the result that we wanted.

The second week in November, I found out I was pregnant. We were shocked and thrilled. (It was intentional but it was still, like, surprising that it actually worked???)

Turn back now because it only gets worse from here.

The third week in November, I find out I’m getting laid off. I was given a lot of reasons, none of which made sense, but basically a casualty of office politics way over my head. I was told that it wasn’t performance related, but it still felt brutal to have to do this after pouring myself into work. I’ve been laid off before, and it’s always a cold experience. You remember that your company only cares about you to a degree, and at the end of the day, they will always protect themselves and not you. I personally don’t understand why you would replace a professional with two part-time dilettantes on your public facing communications BUT ANYWAY!

I was asked to stay through the beginning of January and I accepted.

The fourth week in November was Thanksgiving. We were home about to make dinner for 2 (COVID). During the day, I started to feel sick and crampy. I called the urgent care nurse line and they told me to go to the ER. I live very close to a hospital, so I literally packed my biggest warmest sweatshirt and a book and walked there, leaving my spouse and the turkey still in the oven (luckily that was his purview anyway).

The ER was, surprisingly, very quiet. I was there for about 4 hours while they ran various tests on me. (They had to call a specialist in from their Thanksgiving dinner, which I felt terrible about.) Ultimately, they could not determine whether I had miscarried or not, so they sent me home with instructions to take it easy and to go in for more testing.

In December I had a doctor’s appointment where they confirmed that I was not pregnant any more. (The tech was very cold and impersonal… I was crying on the ultrasound table. I know that it was so early, but I was crying for myself and my spouse and the dreams we had invested that never came to be. I was sad because this was our first time, and it was so terrible, and we won’t ever have a first one.)

They flagged something in my blood tests that was troubling, so they ordered regular testing. I was going in about 3 times a week for blood draws. Luckily I’m not scared of needles so it was more annoying than anything.

I was also applying to and interviewing for jobs (without success) and also still working at my job where I felt literally invisible. It was a really dark time. I don’t know how else to describe it. I don’t know how I got out of bed every day. It felt like everything in my life had just collapsed at once. I didn’t feel unwell, but it was just like a big weight dragging me down all the time.

In the 3rd week of December, I had another ultrasound and then met with a new to me doctor, I’ll call her Dr. S. I had been going along with all the additional bloodwork, but I was starting to push back on why it was necessary.

It was a Friday afternoon when Dr. S met with me and said: We think that you have an ectopic pregnancy. I didn’t know, but I would soon learn that this was a pregnancy that was not in the right place, would not grow, but could rupture and kill me. She recommended surgery to address it.

Okay, I said. I had the next week off, so I assumed it would be either that week, or in January while I was funemployed (but still had my good health insurance).

I was thinking this weekend, said Dr. S.

So it was that I went to a Friday doctor’s appointment and found myself signing into surgery on Saturday morning.

It was my first ever surgery with anesthesia, and everyone took great care of me, but it was still EXTREMELY disconcerting. I had laparoscopic surgery so I only have 2 teeny scars, but I was in a lot of pain and confused when I woke up.

Work was closed all week, so I basically spent the whole week sitting in 1 chair in my apartment either watching movies or reading. I didn’t want to get into all the details with people, because a) 2020 was already so… 2020, b) I was still nominally job-hunting and I didn’t want to give anyone a dumb surface reason not to hire me or make them think I was a pregnancy flight risk (I love being a woman of a certain age!), c) I just didn’t want to talk about it. On the other hand, almost no one at work checked on me. I found their treatment very cold, again.

In January I put myself together for my last week at work, we had the runoff elections, we had the coup. I had my surgery follow-up where it was confirmed that it was an ectopic pregnancy. That was my January: medical follow-ups, but at least I don’t have to schedule them around the job I no longer have!  

WHEW. If you’ve gotten this far, thank you for hearing me. I have since gotten a new job working on communications for politics, but also nonprofits and city agencies. My stress has been cut by probably 70 percent. In my job I’m doing a lot more writing, which is probably what enabled me to write this long overdue update with most of everything in it.

We are starting to explore our fertility options. I had a doctor that really catastrophized me in terms of how intense we need to go about it, but likely we will start slowly and see how it goes. They still don’t know why I had an ectopic (and probably won’t figure out), but I am at higher risk of having another one, so any potential pregnancy will involve a lot of testing and monitoring. That’s why we haven’t “started” “trying” again, because there are tests and there is my new job and so on. I had a hysterosalpingogram, which you should definitely Google if you’re not squeamish. (It didn’t hurt but it was totally weird!)

I am better, but I’m not OK. I’m still mad about everything that happened to me. There are moments when I get catapulted back to my surgery and everything, and I completely freeze. I just got my doctors’ records from November and December (which I had to pay $35 for!!! MY OWN RECORDS) and even though I didn’t learn anything new from reading those records, I still had a lot of emotional trouble processing what happened. It’s weird that so many of them start by noting that the patient was “not in acute distress.” Must be an automatic fill-in because that doesn’t match what I was feeling ever!!!

Dr. S literally saved my life and I think what was not clear to me at the time, because I was still mourning what could have been, is that I am still here. I am more than everything that happened to me. 

I am looking for a new therapist and I am trying to look on the bright side. Unfortunately, one of my oldest friends in the world endured a similar health issue back in January; fortunately, we are each other’s best comfort because I know she won’t judge me. This summer may bring good news on this front or maybe not, but at least vaccinated we can do more than we have been able to do (picnics in the park! Visits to family!) I have to believe my luck is turning. It’s how I get by.

[krreader]

someone you loved | chapter 3.

pairing: park jimin x reader fandom: bts warnings: childhood sweethearts!au ; language genre: angst ; smut ; fluff previous: 1 ; 2 word count: 1.7k+

summary: when you were a little girl you had always assumed that he would be by your side forever, that you would marry him when you’d get older and start your own family when you were ready.. but how many people are actually lucky enough to end up with their childhood sweetheart?

a/n: I love this story so much, you guys. mental health and bangtan not being as happy as they always appear to be have been on my writing bucket list for a while. I want to write a side of them that I think they don’t show to people. a side of them being sad and stressed about their lives and I really hope you all like it ♥

ask box | masterlists | faq | twitter | ko-fi | REQUESTS ARE CLOSED.

Hoseok had been contemplating whether or not to dial the number for weeks now.

He kept finding himself in the same position.

At night, in bed, the business card lying in front of him and his phone in his hand, ready to type in the numbers that would bring him to your voice.

He didn't know what stopped him..

..it wasn't fear that you weren't who you said you were. He had looked you up and your recessions were absolutely amazing. So many people said you helped them, that you really had a way of knowing what a person needed and wanted.

But maybe that was the issue.

Hoseok was scared of what he wanted these days.

What all of Bangtan wants at this point of their careers.

“You keep staring at this card, yet you won't ever tell me what it actually is,” Jimin noted when he stepped out of the closet, noticing how Hoseok quickly hid the card back in his wallet, “What's so secretive about it?”

“It's nothing.. just something I'm thinking about lately.”

Jimin would never push Hoseok, but he was beginning to get worried. He was behaving differently and whatever it was, it had to do with that card.

Maybe it was a doctor? Maybe he was sick?

But then he would have for sure told the members right? And he would have been more exhausted. And Hoseok was still the dance machine that he always was, so maybe not that.

But what else could there be?

Not pressuring him into saying what was on his mind always helped Hoseok be at ease.

It was when both of them were in bed and the lights were off, that Hoseok finally whispered: “She's a therapist. I.. met her a few weeks ago.”

“The same that Yoongi hyung goes to?”

“No, she's.. different. Remember when I told you about that girl who ditched me? I met her that night. We talked a lot and she really understood me, without me having to say a lot. I looked her up and she's a really good therapist. Her ratings are great and she just moved here because she said she felt like Seoul could use a few more people who take mental health seriously.”

It was like in the movies for Jimin.

One second he was there, in this room with Hoseok, the next he was at a playground with you in the middle of summer, the sun burning down on you two, while you were sitting on the swings with dripping ice cream.

“I just don't understand it, you know? Depression is a real thing, I don't understand why so many people just ignore it and say it's something that will pass.”

“Well, luckily there's people like you who prove them wrong and help,” Jimin smiled at you.

“The world could definitely use a few more people who take mental health seriously.”

Jimin gulped down hard, but then turned his head to Hoseok's direction, even if he couldn't see him properly.

“She sounds like she's one of the good ones,” he said, a slightly sad undertone.

“I don't even want to call her because of a specific problem, I'd just like to talk to someone who isn't in the industry and who isn't involved in any of this. Someone with another perspective, you know?”

“Yeah, I know,” Jimin sighed, “I think you should do it. At least try it.. if you realize after the first session that it's no good, you can always stop seeing her again.”

Hoseok didn't respond right away, but then he said: “I will.”

“Ms. (Y/L/N), I am so sorry,” your assistant bowed over and over again as she was standing in your office, clearly out of breath, “I missed the subway and then I took the wrong exit and..-”

“Ryujin it's fine,” you chuckled, “Don't worry about it, we don't have any clients for today or tomorrow anyways. It's just all unpacking right now.”

She was a nice girl, college student who wanted to become a therapist too, but she was only in her first semester. There had been quite a few who were interested in the position and who applied for it, but she somehow reminded you of a younger you. Of what you used to be like when you first started studying. And you could see that she was passionate about this.. your goal was to teach her one or two things, not just have her be the one to take your phone calls and get coffee.

As you were unpacking the boxes in your office, your phone began to ring, you picking it up without really looking who it was.

“Hello?”

“Uh, hey, hi. Is this therapist (Y/L/N) (Y/N)?”

“That's me, yeah.”

“Uhm, this is Hoseok.. we met a few weeks ago.”

You had to think for a few moments, but then your eyes widened, “OH!” you grinned from ear to ear, “It's so good to hear from you, I was beginning to think you weren't going to call.”

You could hear him chuckle, a little nervously, “I wasn't at first. But.. I'd really like to take that offer if you're free sometime?”

“Well, I'm currently still setting up my office, but I should be done tomorrow night, then everything should be out of the boxes. How about you be the first client in here and stop by at like.. let's say 6 PM?”

Hoseok remembered that he actually wanted to practice at that time, but.. this seemed to be a little more important. He should take his mental health more serious, like you had said.

“That sounds perfect.”

“Great, then I'll see you tomorrow!”

Hoseok was both extremely nervous, but also.. it felt as if there was a weight lifted off of his shoulders, knowing that he could finally talk to somebody.

Maybe you could help him. And maybe you could help the others too!

“Was that her?” Jimin leaned against the door frame, smiling when Hoseok nodded, “Let me know if she's good. Maybe I'll stop by too.”

That's exactly Hoseok's point of why he felt like he and the rest of them could use someone like you.

Everything was ready.

Your office was fully set up, the furniture, the décor, the necessities for treating patients. It was all ready.

You had sent home Ryujin despite Hoseok stopping by in a few minutes. You didn't want her to wait around until you and him were finished when you knew she had to study.

And you could let him in yourself, you didn't need her for that.

You were just sending a picture of the fully furnished office to your parents with a smile when you heard the bell ring.

When you opened the door, you saw him how you had first seen him. With a cap and a face mask.

“Hoseok,” you smiled, “Perfect timing. Come in.”

He was a little hesitant, but when he finally stepped into your office, he immediately felt at ease.

It was quite a big, open space, huge windows with a wonderful view of Seoul. It was especially pretty right now because it was dark, the lights outside illuminating the city so wonderfully. He felt like he was at the BigHit building.

“It's nice,” he said.

“Right? I still can't believe I got it,” you sat down on your chair, then waited for him to take a seat next to you, “I'm really glad you're here.”

The chairs were facing the window, but weren't too close so that patients didn't get scared. You just felt like it had a calming effect on them and not sitting across from them always seemed to be help them more.

Hoseok didn't seem to want to sit though. He pushed his hands into his pockets and just looked outside, seemingly enjoying the view.

“Life hasn't been the easiest for me lately. For.. all of us, actually. It's been like that for a while, the pressure and the never ending stress is just consuming us.. me.”

You wanted to ask who the others were, but opted to just listen and write down some notes, waiting for him to continue at his own pace.

“We have one performance after the other, one interview after the other, one award show after the other and whenever we think we have a moment to breathe, something else either gets scheduled, or we have to work on certain things. It's been like this for years, but it's gotten worse ever since the big breakthrough.”

So he was an idol.

Not the first one that you had as a patient. In fact, you've had a few that came to you. Mostly because they knew you were discreet and could actually help.

“How do you deal with all that stress?”

“See, that's just the thing,” Hoseok laughed without humor, “I don't. We don't. We just try to ignore it and tell ourselves that it'll pass, but it never does. And we used to be okay at first, but it's come to a point where all of us are just so damn exhausted.”

The more he talked, the more nervous you became.

You got up from your chair, placing your notepad on the glass table to your right before you walked over to him.

You waited until he turned his head to look at you.

“There are a few Hoseok's in the entertainment industry,” you gulped down hard, “But I think.. you are the one that most people know the name of.”

Hoseok blinked at you for a few moments, then he finally, but slowly, took off his cap and face mask and you were face to face with him.

“I used to think it was a blessing, you know?” he said with a quiet voice, “We all did. But.. we all lost things that are important to us. And it's only now that we realize that and wonder whether or not it was all worth it.”

Jung Hoseok.

Bangtan..

..Jimin.

“You.. all lost something? Someone?”

“Some more than others,” he said with a sad smile.

[kathyprior4200]

BML Livestream Reaction 6/9/2020

To my lovely H.H. viewers, listeners, readers:

Wow! The livestream today on Ashley's channel was incredible. The fandom raised more than 60,000 dollars for the Black Lives Matter charity. (I was one of the unnoticed ones who donated). I'm just as amazed as the show staff at the sheer generosity and talent of this fandom. There were a lot of hilarious moments and very good improvs as well. (ex. Bosco saying in Alastor's voice: "I'm an unstoppable death machine!" And all the "Oh Ashley," running gags.

Onto theories and clip reveals:

There appear to be at least five episodes for Helluva Boss (maybe) and perhaps for Hazbin Hotel as well. When would episode 12 + come out? 2027? I'll happily wait if I can live and last that long.

The first clip revealed showed Blitzo taking to Loona, him saying "have a treat" and then eating the biscuit. Millie appears to be there with Moxxie, drawing a pentagram symbol on a wall. Perhaps a gateway to the human world?

Blitzo (yells at a shy imp): "You set fire to my fucking office in front of a goddamn client you dipshit, now someone please tell me that hocus pocus book is still intact?"

Loona (holding the Satanic book): "Our only ticket to the living world? Grabbed it."

Blitzo: "That's why you're my favorite, Loony! You get a treat."

Loona: "Ew. Stop."

Blitzo eats a treat with a happy look on his face. An imp in a dress stands in the background. Millie draws a pentagram on the wall.

Blitzo (to Loona) "Oh stop it, I get enough of that from my therapist. Now lets get to it, gang!"

They prepare to enter Earth.

Second clip: We are introduced to Loo-Loo Land, an apple-themed circus/amusement park. Loo-Loo is another term for sh*t or bathrooms, so a fitting name for one in Hell. Loo-Loo is a large creepy apple mascot who appears overly cheerful toward the imps and presumably Octavia, who's not impressed. Stolas then takes Blitzo to the rides. He can be seen in a themed outfit, with an apple on his shirt, sorts, and a balloon in his hand. Lucifer has a bar/land called Loo-Loo Land that the theme park is a bad spinoff of it.

Millie (both wear glasses): (Moxxie) "Come on, it's fun! You've never been here?" Moxxie: "No. Theme parks always disturb me. Especially (shakes) the mascots."

A creepy mascot dressed as a red apple appears behind them. He's a red apple with a missing tooth in a wide grin of teeth and one of the eyes hanging from string.

Loo-Loo (in a southern accent) "Well, hey there!"

Millie and Moxxie scream.

Loo-Loo: "I'm Loo-Loo! Welcome to Loo-Loo land!"

Stolas talks to his daughter Octavia by a dinosaur carousel.

Stolas: "Look, Via, it's Loo-Loo!"

Octavia is not impressed with the childish theme park and the lack of more modern rides and features.

Octavia (British accent): "I have a question."

Loo-Loo: Well ask away, little girlie! (Goofy laugh)"

Octavia: "Is it true that this theme park is really a shameless spin-off of Lucifer's more popular Loo-Loo World?" (Disneyland vs Disneyworld)

Loo-Loo: No."

Octavia: "This place reeks of insecure corporate shame."

Stolas: "Why don't we go check out the rides."

Third clip showed what appears to be a rival company to Immediate Murder Professionals. It's called CHERUB, consisting of flying singing sheep with halos and angel wings. It can be assumed that they come from Heaven. Do they save lives (like the alternate E.L.F. in Heavenuva Boss) or do they grant miracles while scamming people? One things for sure, they are super cute. Hmm...maybe they are part of brainwashed sheep who want to spread Heaven's culture so others can mindlessly follow it? Or maybe just as a way to bring down I.M.P. to prove that they can be the best demon killers around? Blitzo blows up a TV in frustration. Now I.M.P. has to find a way to save their company and stop their rivals.

Based on the song, they save people's lives on Earth! (Guess what Hazbins: I thought of the AU E.L.F. characters before this was cool!)

If there is a rival company in Heaven to I.M.P. in Hell, it can only mean one thing: a (Haven) hotel in Heaven may also exist. (Except it would be used to give angels freedom to cause trouble and sin/to be themselves in defiance to the strict rules.)

The sheep angels save people from a car accident, and lift up a rock from a crushed person. They do the work for free, as one of them denies money. With I.M.P. killing humans and C.H.E.R.U.B. saving people, it brings the world in balance. (Though poor sheep: too many people are dying from Covid 19.) Both of them do their part to influence the living world (strangely enough, the Hazbin Earth humans seem accepting of the random creatures who arrive and then leave.

C.H.E.R.U.B. saves people so they have a chance to go to Heaven. I.M.P. kills people for money so the humans wind up in Hell.

Christ's Heavenly Efficient Revivers Under Bless

Christ's Healing Employees Revive Unlimited Bodies

Creators Host Efficient Revival Under Belief

Creating Happy Earth Routines U Believe

Sheep/faun one female: "Luckily for you..."

Sheep two male: "There is something we can do..."

Both: "We can help you feel alive, so you can save some time!(waste and drive?)" (two sheep stand beside a baby angel and all smile)

"Cause here at C.H.E.R.U.B., we can save your honey butt from dying violently. " C.H.E.R.U.B. (R mark) "We never even ask a fee." "Because good people spread the love, "And we're here for all above. "We do the paperwork for you "And the heavy lifting too." (Female sheep is shown exhausted in a pile of paperwork and later shown lifting a boulder from a man.) Both sheep witness a dying man from a car accident and wipe the scene away. "So sit back and let us bless a soul... for you." (all three sing). "Oh we, are the C.H..."

Blitzo blows up the TV in anger.

Random names: The cherub is Blitzo's opposite, Millie and the female sheep and Moxxie and the male sheep.

Blitzo's name is German for lightning. Moxxie means aggressive energy. Millie means mild strength/industrious

Donner= German for thunder Jalen= peace Ardel = industrious

Theories based on the song: 1. Heaven has animal-like Zoophobia characters like Hell 2. C.H.E.R.U.B. saves lives while I.M.P. kills them, thus keeping the world in balance. 3. The cherub leader would be Blitzo's rival. Male sheep vs Moxxie, female sheep vs Millie 4. If I.M.P. had their way, everyone would be dead. If C.H.E.R.U.B. had their way, the earth would be overpopulated. 5. C.H.E.R.U.B. have access to Heaven and Earth. They probably use the Bible to access the living world. 6. C.H.E.R.U.B. would save anyone, even criminals. 7. C.H.E.R.U.B. might have another Loona counterpart. 8. Could I.M.P. and C.H.E.R.U.B. have access to all three realms?

Clip number four: Blitzo and Stolas talk in bed. Stolas goes under the covers and stares seductively at him. He gets the idea to take Blitzo to a Harvest Festival with him as a bodyguard. Blitzo gets suspicious, claiming he won't go if Stolas uses him for sex and his purposes. Soon, Blitzo decides to come along. Stolas then says "sorry about you leaving behind your clients," while Blitzo retorts "Oh fuck my clients!" Best line. Stolas' wife will not be happy when she hears of Stolas and Blitzo's relationship.

Stolas (smokes a cigarette): " It's shocking to it to be seen, Blitzy. My grimoire is incredibly vital. And it isn't supposed to be let out by little imps like yourself." He puts out his cigarette on Blitzo's horns and pinched his cheek. Blitzo sighs and shoves him off. Both appear to be topless.

Stolas: "The Harvest Moon is a very special occasion. It's been my annual duty to celebrate it in the Ring of Wrath. It's a charming little festival with games and music..."

Blitzo: "A wrath ring, huh? My employees are from there. Haven't really been, but it sounds like a place of imprints."

Stolas: "Oh! Why don't you all accompany me to the festival as our special guests?! I'll give you all... (goes under the covers and lies near Blitzo's privates. "...special access." (chuckles)

Blitzo: "Look I told you, we're not bodyguards, alright? It was a one time thing we did and guess what? We did it badly!"

Stolas stands up with the cover over his head.

Stolas: "I'm simply offering a fun work-free day of fun! I feel quite safe at the Harvest Festival. I go every year. Nothing has changed."

Blitzo: "Okay, look if you promise this is not some fuck-fest invite... it does sound like it could be fun. Alright, I'll run it by the others. It sounds like we can work without the book anyway."

Stolas: "I do hope to see you there. I'm sorry your clients will have to wait."

Blitzo: (waves his hand) "Oh fuck my clients!"

We are introduced to new characters: Loo-Loo the creepy apple mascot, the shy imp, owl princess Octavia, "Melodia" the queen, the CHERUB sheep and Robo-Fizz, a robotic jester demon colored black, yellow, white, and light pink-red. It can be assumed that he is red and black and dangerous in his true form. Could Hell's circus be one big conspiracy? Anything is possible in the inferno.

Thank you to all who supported Vivzie's charity and those who continue to show their love for the show and concern for what's going on in the world. Protests, Police, Pandemic, Personal Rights. I donated earlier and I do all I can to keep the fandom together, trying to tapper down the "shipping wars." I don't feel like a hero at all, but I feel good that I'm showing support.

My work is unknown in comparison to all the marvelous Charlastor fanfictions out there:

MuseValentine's "Smiling Man" Angelus19's "Taxidermist"

and many more.

Please don't forget to show support to Hazbin Madness and Radio Hazbin on YouTube. Some people may disagree with me on this, but I think those two voice actors and comic dubbers have better potential than Markapiler and JackdaSepticeye. Yes, the latter two may be famous and well-known, but in my opinion, only HalusaTwin and InSaiyans capture the uncasted Lucifer and Lilith so well. A king and queen of the fandom.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCVkr2V_Y-sIzBH01AbPcufw

But don't fret. This fandom has given me ideas that keep skyrocketing through my head and into the world. I've made fanfictions since 2014 and have only made more after being exposed to DBZ and H.H. My long projects seem to take months to update but as long as I'm alive, inspired and have free time, I won't cease doing what I love. Indeed, Viv's words inspired me toward the end of the stream. She said to a person who donated a lot and the viewers to share their creativity with the world, as it can inspire others. Vivziepop is a role model for me, as are so many of my friends/content creators (artist Ady Laine, theorist BlueRaven666, musician Ashboyo, my close friend Sumera Paleema (DBZ artist) and many others.

Very soon, I'll be expanding upon my rewrites/remixes of Hazbin Hotel and Helluva Boss. Indeed, the future episodes may be closer than we think!

Stay safe out there and treat each other well.

-Kathy Prior 42

[drarryruinedme7]

Hate

I’ve had this word sitting in my ask box for forever.. time to revisit it for this little ficlet I wrote! Tagging @rockmarina, @rose-grangerweasleyisbae and @ununquadius ❤️To everyone who can’t enjoy their birthday: know you’re loved and I believe in you!❤️

Drarry | 1,7K | Rating: M | Tags: EWE, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Mention of Panic Attacks, Anxiety, Abusive Dursley Family, Neville Longbottom is a Good Friend, Mention of Hermione and Ron sleeping with Harry when he’s feeling bad, Dating, Amusement Park | Beta: @malenkayacherepakha and @bblgumbby 

Harry Potter Hates His Birthday

Harry Potter hated his birthday.

If it had been his choice, he’d erase the 31st of July from the calendar.

But unluckily, as much as he wished with every cell of his body for it to disappear, every year it showed up, right on time.

He would start feeling sick on the 30th, the day before. He’d wake up, take a look at the calendar and his breath would hitch, his heart beating furiously.

The first time it happened he was six years old.

Harry had thought he was gonna die. His heart was beating so fast it was painful and he was sure his time had come. But the thought hadn’t been disturbing — it almost felt freeing, a relief.

At least, he wouldn’t have had to live his birthday once again.

But after a good hour spent panicking, his stomach churning, making him nauseous and dizzy, he realised he was still alive.

So he got up and went on with his usual life, with no one taking as much as a look at him or wishing him a happy birthday.

Harry knew nothing about anxiety, panic attacks, abusive family. He only knew he felt sick to his bones, alone, and another year older.

He’d spend the day cooking, cleaning, and then closed in his cupboard playing with his toy soldiers.

He had asked once his Aunt Petunia if he could have new ones for his birthday, for his old ones were all ruined and broken by Dudley.

Petunia had looked at him with a raised eyebrow, shaking her head.

“Next time you’ll learn to treat the toys that your uncle Vernon bought you with his own money better.”

It wasn’t true. They were Dudley’s, but when he’d grown sick of them they’d given them to Harry.

Harry didn’t own anything — all he had, it had previously been Dudley’s.

That’s how growing up, he realised he had no idea what his tastes were.

Did he like shirts or t-shirts more? Red or blue? Toy soldiers or toy cars? Nothing.

So, at the age of 10, Harry decided he hated his birthday and he’d never ask his aunt and uncle for anything else.

He decided he wasn’t worth anything good in the world, it wasn’t worth celebrating his birth, he wasn’t worth pretty much anything.

He started living as a ghost, ignoring people’s disgusted faces at his over used clothes, Dudley’s taunts, his own feelings.

By now, he had figured something out. He knew there were things he liked and things he disliked, but he didn’t think anything of that. It wouldn’t bring anything good anyway.

As always, the day of his 10th birthday, Harry spent the day thinking his heart would jump out of his throat, his lungs threatening to collapse at any moment and with an inexplicable need to cry and cry and cry until he forgot his own name.

Things changed the day of his 11th birthday.

The 31st of July, 1991 had been different.

He was curled up on the floor of the crazy refuge where uncle Vernon had brought them to escape the owls, his eyes stinging.

For a second, for a second he had thought someone, anyone, had remembered his birthday and sent him something.

It had been a foolish desire, he knew it, but in the end, he couldn’t stop the tears that started rolling down his cheeks, mixing with the dust of the floor, staining Harry’s face.

A loud thump and a gigantic man entered the refuge, bellowing something about a school where Harry needed to go because he was a wizard.

Several clocks clicked in his head, now everything made sense. He wasn’t weird, sick, or a freak, he was a wizard!

And this man, Hagrid, had come to bring him to this new school where he’d learn magic  — Hogwarts — away from the Dursleys.

Away from the Dursleys!

That one, that one had been a memorable birthday.

But unfortunately, as much as Harry didn’t know anything about panic attacks and abusive family, he didn’t know a thing about ptsd and effects of trauma either.

His life had improved greatly, even with Voldemort at his heels. Honestly, anything was better than the Dursleys.

He even had new friends, and two best friends, Ron and Hermione. Life couldn’t be better than this.

Still, the day of his birthday, Harry woke up again with dread in every cell of his body, tears in his eyes, heart aching.

His friends hadn’t sent him letters, but it hadn’t been a shock. No one ever remembered his birthday.

He was still happy he had them and he’d get to meet them again in September, and he couldn’t wait to go back to Hogwarts.

So why was he still feeling like the day of his birth was a cursed day?

Harry never found an answer.

Every year, on time, his birthday would arrive and pass with wetness on his face, a sour taste in his mouth and a burning worse than fire in his chest.

He’d read his friends’ letters, eat the candies they’d sent him, flip through the photo album Hagrid gifted him and still.

Still think he didn’t deserve any of that, thinking his life wasn’t worth celebrating.

—–

The 31st of July, 1998 had been the worst of all of Harry’s birthdays.

A War had just ended, too many people had died, too many things were wrong to be happy, to even try and think his life could be different now or that he was worth living now.

Everyone had sent him something to celebrate, even strangers who only wanted to thank him for winning the War, for what he had done.

But what he had done exactly? Killed a man, let others die, died himself.

He burnt all the letters, threw away all the gifts, closed himself in Grimmauld Place, blocking everyone else out.

He’d finally cried until his throat had burnt, his head was throbbing and with the absolute certainty he wasn’t ever, ever, ever going to celebrate his birthday again in his life.

Then, luckily enough, in 1999, the day of his birthday became a wizarding National Holiday.

Not only did he have to celebrate it, but he even had to endure silly social parties, with thousands of people he had never met.

So now he had gone from ‘no one remembers my birthday’ to ‘everyone celebrates my birthday because I was brave enough to kill a man’.

What a reason to be remembered for.

At least now Harry knew.

Now Harry had started seeing a therapist, Rebecca, who explained to him a lot about triggers, trauma brain, panic attacks, anxiety.

He had now acquired new tools to keep them at bay, to endure the day and arrive at the end of it without drowning in self-hate.

Except for arriving at home every time with tears in his eyes, Hermione and Ron in the bed with him, holding him, silently telling him he was worth living and he was loved.

Five years after the War, it was the 31st of July, 2003. Harry was at a coffee shop with Neville, heartily laughing at one of his thousands of stories about his beloved plants.

Sometimes after the War, Harry had realised he shared his birthday with one of his dearest friends and from that day on, they would always spend the day together.

They’d joke during those stupid silly social parties, Neville would always say he ‘had risked being The Boy Who Lived by a whisker’, but ‘got away with it pretty well’, and that he ‘was celebrated in all of the Wizarding World but with the privilege of no gossiping and prints around’.

It had started to make Harry happier and more carefree. At last, he had a reason to be happy on the 31st of July. His best bud Neville was born!

And so here they were, drinking coffee and laughing together, when none other than Draco Malfoy entered the coffee shop, glowing blond hair and slender legs in tow.

Harry’s coffee stuck in his throat, making him cough, drawing Malfoy’s attention who turned his head and raised his eyebrows to the sky when he saw Harry.

He froze, looking from Neville to Harry several times before making a step and approaching them.

“Hello.”

Fuck, that voice. Harry thought he wouldn’t have never heard it again.

“Happy Birthday to both of you.” Malfoy’s hand stretched in front of them. Neville grasped it, thanked him.

Harry looked horrified when a thought formed in his mind. The War was over, the man standing in front of him right now had surely changed during the years, and he had remembered his birthday, of course.

It wouldn’t hurt to accept his hand, so he did. He grasped Malfoy’s hand, smiling and receiving a smile back from him too.

Malfoy had smiled, for real, to Harry. And Harry had had something like 2 seconds to realise Draco Malfoy was absolutely, undeniably, utterly, handsome.

And then he recalled every time during school, Malfoy had always remembered Harry’s birthday. To taunt him, of course, but he never had taunted anyone else on their birthday, right? It had all been for Harry.

It was such a stupid thought that Harry started laughing uncontrollably, because seriously if he was happy that someone had always remembered his birthday and not because of who he was, but to mock him, there was something wrong with him.

And Malfoy had tightened his grip on Harry’s hand and had looked worried at Neville, who shook his head amazed.

“Erm, are you okay, Potter?” Malfoy’s voice sounded amused and Harry found himself nodding, and a second after saying, “Great! What do you think of having dinner with me?”

Neville’s eyes widened so much Harry feared they’d fall down that instant, as Malfoy had laughed incredulously.

“Sure, Potter.”

But Harry wasn’t kidding. At 7 pm he was in front of Malfoy’s office — he worked as Unspeakable with Hermione, a couple of calls and Harry had been able to track him down.

They went out to dinner, had fun, went to the amusement park after, did some rides, bought cotton candy and a goldfish, named it Umbridge.

They went back together to Grimmauld Place, placed Umbridge in a fishbowl, fucked all night, laughed at their stupidity, laughed at the ridiculous situation.

Harry didn’t know how, but from that day on Draco Malfoy had never walked out of his house and life, and his birthday had stopped being so horrible.

[talesfromthefreezerinmymind]

The Adventure of the Accidental Client

On this day in 1859 (May 22) Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of Sherlock Holmes, was born.  

May is also Mental Health Awareness month. 

What do these two things have in common? For me, quite a lot. I’ll start this story in early 2012.

At that time I was a freshman at Maryville College, in my second semester of majoring in graphic design. I was completely miserable.

Why was I miserable, exactly? Well…

 I had no friends (turns out, I had never learned how to make them)

 I doubted that graphic design was the career for me (Imposter Syndrome vibes)

 I was homesick (even though I went home every single weekend)

I phoned my parents every night and told them about my day. During one such call, my dad told me about a show on Netflix that he’d started watching: Sherlock. It was made by some of the same people that made another favorite of ours, Doctor Who. I was intrigued, and had plenty of time on my hands, so I thought I’d give it a try.

If you know nothing of Sherlock Holmes (as I did when I first started watching the show), he’s a famous English detective residing in 221B Baker Street created by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. Sherlock Holmes and Doctor John Watson solves mysteries in the late 1800s and early 1900s. But for Sherlock, the adventures are set in the modern day. Over the course of a week or so, I watched the whole first season. Normally I’m slow to warm up to things, but I was instantly hooked.

I kept watching the show. I read interviews with the cast and crew. I found a fan-run website with all sorts of lovely info. I discovered Tumblr and all the fandom madness that lives there. The second season had already premiered in the UK, and I dredged up info on it (and spoiled it for myself). I started reading the original novels and short stories that the show was based on. I read everything Sherlock Holmes in about 5 months. And then started reading it over again.

Sherlock had found me at just the right moment. I was unusually lonely. I was unusually bored. I saw myself in John Watson; a directionless man in need of a purpose. A deeply loyal man, without a friend to adhere to. I saw myself in Sherlock Holmes; a man whose mind is always running, who loves feeling clever and in control. A man for whom feeling like an outsider is normal, though not always welcome. In the words of John Watson, “I naturally gravitated to London, that great cesspool into which all the loungers and idlers are irresistibility drained.” I was a lounger, an idler, and London had found me.

The Sherlock Holmes stories rekindled my love of reading, which had been dormant for a few years, and sparked a much more serious interest in writing. There was just something about how Doyle went from unknown medical man to literary giant that grabbed my attention. He started in one world and ended up in another. It got me thinking that perhaps though I began in graphic design, I could end up somewhere else: a published author myself. So I wrote more. And I read more. I changed my major in the Spring of 2013 to English with a concentration in Creative Writing (Oh, and I transferred to UT in the fall of 2012. I had to get away from Maryville. Fresh start. Sorta). In 2015, right after graduating UT, I joined an organization called the Society of Children's Books Writers and Illustrators. Long story short, in April 2016 I signed the contract for Roof Octopus, my first picture book.

Sadly, though, writing doesn’t pay much when you’re first starting out so I really did need a backup career for the moment. Fall 2015 I enrolled at Pellissippi State Community College (backtracking, I know, per the usual order of things) and began earning an associate’s in graphic design.

Though by this point I was far removed from my freshman year at Maryville, I still felt all the loneliness and failure that I had felt then (and I was still fanatical about Sherlock; third season came out in 2014). Honestly, I had been feeling watered-down versions of those emotions since my junior year of high school (that’s another story for another time). Plus, there was something else that I was carrying that was growing heavier over time: an addiction to daydreaming.

An addiction to daydreaming? Is that even possible? Well, it is possible. It even has a fancy name: Maladaptive Daydreaming Disorder (MDD). It’s when a person’s habit of daydreaming is so obsessive that it interferes with everyday life. I would describe it like there’s a TV on in my head all day. It places my favorite shows, lots of reruns but new stuff, too. Your daydreams are like movies that you write and direct and star in and you can’t get enough. Part of the time they are white noise and I can ignore it. But more often than not, all I want to do is sit and watch. I have trouble focusing on what I’m reading or writing. I zone out super easily while listening to music or podcasts. I have trouble falling asleep for my mind not “turning off”. I zone out in class, at meetings, at church, and in groups of people when no one is talking directly to me. I daydream while driving and running and showering and cleaning and swimming and biking and just walking through my house. I’ve been struggling to focus while writing all this out; I’d rather daydream about writing this than actually do it. (Fun Fact: A big part of my daydreaming is I like to talk aloud while I’m doing it if I’m alone. On second thought, that’s probably more of an embarrassing fact than fun…)

People with MDD aren’t crazy; they don’t hear voices in their head or think people are around who really aren't there. They are fully aware that their daydream worlds aren’t real. But for some people MDD is so severe that they don’t leave their homes for days; they stay in and daydream their life away. Luckily, my MDD is not that severe. Often MDD is used as a coping mechanism. Even though I’ve never experience trauma like some people have, I still really crave an escape from life and all the emotions brought on by it.

I had never heard of Maladaptive Daydreaming Disorder until one day in the summer of 2016; I googled for ways to quit daydreaming and stuff about MDD was in the results. Up to this point I’d slowly been growing tired of my daydreaming. I’d always had an active imagination. Played pretend a lot as a kid, had imaginary friends. But in college it started to get out of hand. Particularly falling asleep was a struggle, or if I woke up super early, falling back asleep. It took me ages sometimes to write a paper or read through something. However, I had so much time on my hands that it didn’t really matter how much I procrastinated. (While at UT and Pellissippi, I still didn’t try to make friends.) I didn’t talk too much to anyone about how much I hated college. About how alone I was. I’m a Christian, but I didn’t pray about any of it. I didn’t talk about all the ways that I felt like a failure. I bottled it all up inside, because that’s what Sherlock did. Sherlock was a loner, who was never a failure. Emotions were for other people. He was too smart for them. Sherlock never seemed to let loneliness get to him, and I wasn’t going to let it either.

Anyway, the more I learned about MDD the more I was convinced that I had it. The most important thing that I learned about MDD was that people who struggled with it could get help. Therapy and medication (like antidepressants) had helped other people get control of their life once again. In the back of my mind, I began to wonder: I had been using MDD to help cope with life, but now did I need help coping with MDD? Nevertheless, true to my never-bare-my-soul nature, I shared these discoveries and questions with absolutely no one.

I kept on keeping on. Finished a year at Pellissippi (still worried about whether or not I could make it as a graphic designer). Signed that book contract. Stayed close (as close as you can be without spilling your guts) to my friends at home, who I usually had to make an effort to see (something I really missed from the good old days pre-college). Tried (and failed) not to freak out as some of those friends got married and/or moved off. Who needs friends anyway, right? They’ll just ditch you eventually; no one’s as loyal as John Watson. I daydreamed too much. I wrote and wrote. I worked at Cove Lake State Park in the summer. I started a second year at Pellissippi.

Then one night in December 2016, I stayed the night at my Nannie’s. After I went to bed, I, per usual, had a horrible time falling sleep. I laid awake for hours, but eventually drifted off.

The next day when I came home, my mom asked me if I had slept well.

That was all the provoking that I needed. I broke down and cried. I told her that I could hardly ever sleep because my mind would not turn off. My daydreaming had become too much. Once it had been my rescue, my escape from everyday life, but now I felt like I was going mad.

My parents talked it over together and decided that I should see someone professional. My mom made me an appointment at a counseling office. On December 20, 2016, I had my first meeting with my therapist.

It was rather surreal. In the first season of Sherlock, John sees a therapist because he’s trying to deal with returning home from war. In January 2017, just mere weeks after my first appointment, the fourth season of Sherlock aired. In in the first episode, Sherlock (spoiler) himself pays a visit to John’s therapist. Sherlock actually needs help and he’s actually asking for. And I had just done the same thing. Life is funny like that sometimes.

Over the last 3+ years my therapist has helped me understand a lot about myself. Anxiety has been present in my life for several years now. Talking to people I don’t know, and even people that I do know, often gives me some level of anxiety. I’m always worrying if I sound weird or dumb or boring. I never know what to talk about. Therapy has helped me build up my confidence so it’s much easier for me to talk to others now. Am I still an introvert? Oh, yes. Can I carry on a conversation with someone I just meet? Yeah. Do I always want to? No, not really. But I’m much more willing to try it now.    

I’ve always hated change, good or bad. Watching friends grow up and reach life milestones (marriage, kids, dream job) all while I changed majors, changed jobs, and had little luck in the dating realm was (and still is) rough. Therapy has helped me be a little more okay with changes in my life. I’m not so scared of the future as I once was.  

I prefer to keep to myself. I’m a perfectionist and a control freak. I hate asking for help. I always feel like an oddball, even among my close friends. I love feeling clever. I hate feeling like a failure. I hate change.

I am Sherlock Holmes.

Therapy keeps me in check. Keeps from going over the edge. Helps me understand myself, the world around me, and those in it. It helps me become a better version of myself.

Therapy is my John Watson.  

I don’t know what would have happened to me had I not discovered Sherlock when I did. I do believe that God knows exactly what types of things would catch my attention (i.e. mysteries and best friend adventures) and perhaps that’s why and how things turned out the way they did. He is the Great Author, after all. I am thankful that He loved me even through the times that I was not a fan of myself, running and hiding from everyone, including Him.

I’ve told this story today because (1) I love telling stories. It’s why I write. It’s why I read. Heck, it’s why I’m addicted to daydreaming. Yep, I still daydream quite a lot, but I feel in control of it now. I’ve been taking an antidepressant for about two years now and that has helped with the daydreaming and my overall mood, too. I’ve also told this story today because (2) stories can save us. Sherlock Holmes saved me. I was a lounger, an idler, who wandered into 221B Baker Street in need of a mystery solved. What was happening to Lucy Branam? Can she be saved? Sherlock was just the detective for the job.

Happy 161st birthday, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. Thank you for writing.

[vices-aand-virtues]

Today I finished The Year of Less by Cait Flanders and it really resonated with me. One of my goals for 2019 already was to downsize, partially because I was feeling overwhelmed by how much stuff I own; partially because I was running out of space; and partially because I was anticipating moving this summer, and I wanted to haul as little as possible. I purged my closet, my bookshelf, and my DVD collection. Granted, I still have what many would consider A BUNCH of items in these categories, but as Marie Kondo would say, they really do “spark joy.”

I want to clean out other areas of my home, but due to having roommates, this is a challenge since with some things I’m not sure whose is whose. But this summer, they will be moving out, and my boyfriend and I will be living alone together for the first time in 4 years—for the first time since we graduated from college (me with my MA and him with his BS). I’m looking forward to cleaning out the kitchen and our closets.

Another reason I want to binge clean is because we will have two spare rooms in our house, but I don’t want them to become what they have been in the past: junk rooms. Typically these rooms serve a primary purpose (usually our music room), but they also serve as a dumping ground for anything we don’t know what to do with or things we don’t want in public view (ie junk). I want these rooms to be no more than they are: a guest room and a music room/office. We are only two people; we don’t need three rooms full of just stuff.

But until we can get started purging and cleaning our house, there are some steps I can already start taking to work towards my year of less. I’ve been saving money for a few months now because I thought I might owe money on my taxes. Luckily it turns out I didn’t thanks to some very helpful deductions, so I have a very small “influx” of money.

Which leads me to my next reason for doing this.

I’m in debt. By a lot. Getting a bachelor’s and master’s degree did not come cheap. My parents only paid for 2 years of my undergrad degree, and I was on my own for the next 7 years of school (yeah you read that right—my undergrad took 5 years and grad school took 4). As a result, my student loan debt is astronomical. Not only that, but because of my light class load my last year in school, I didn’t qualify for financial aid, and had to use 3 different credit cards to pay the rest of my tuition. So all that gets piled on top of my K2 mountain of debt.

With what I make now at my job, I can make it by. I’ll be able to afford rent, bills, and debt repayments. But that’s about it. And that’s not the kind of life I want to live. I’m not even talking about traveling the world or taking vacations. I just want to hang out with friends or go visit my family. I want to buy gas for something besides work. I want to treat my friends when they need a pick me up or need to celebrate. I want to be able to get my haircut when I need it.

So I decided I could up my weekly savings and see where that would lead me 4 months from now. By doing that alone, I could pay off half of my credit card debt by this fall, and finish the rest of it by next summer. That frees up nearly $500 for me to put towards extra student loan payments. Just by saving more money each week.

After calculating that, I looked at where I’m spending money during work hours. I am a contract music therapist, so I drive all over my area to my clients homes for sessions. Sometimes I knock the sessions out one after the other, but sometimes I have some time to kill inbetween. Since I started my job in June of 2018, I chose to go to a coffee shop (Starbucks or a local brew) to get a drink and work on paperwork or read a book. I looked at my expenses for just the last 2 months, and I had spent $150 on coffee alone. Thats $75 a month I’m spending to have a coffee for an hour or so once or twice a week. Then I added up any time I ate a meal between sessions. Almost $75 more. $150 a month on food and drinks. That’s almost $40 a week. I easily can cut those things out of my routine. Instead of going to a coffee shop, I can find somewhere else to kill time between sessions. If the weather is nice, I can go to a park and walk for a bit. If there’s a bench or a table, I can do my work there. If the weather is bad, I’ll give myself some grace and allow for a coffee. If I lived closer to work, I would definitely just spend my time there.

My next step was to look at any expenses that were truly unnecessary. I use Spotify regularly for work, so that’s not something I could give up. But I do have some months subscriptions to some other services that I really don’t need. By cutting those out, I save almost $50 more.

That means I potentially have nearly $200 extra to put to better use, and I didn’t even look at how much I spend on eating out for dinner or on just shopping. One step at a time y’all!

So if I save $200 a month for 4 months, I’ll have an additional $800 to put toward something. This combined with my regular savings will put me in a good position to reduce my credit card debt more quickly, which in turn will help me pay off my student loans faster.

Once I pay off the credit cards, I’ll have almost $500 a month to put elsewhere. That plus my $200 savings from spending during work hours is nearly $700 extra I can put toward my student loans each month. That’s half of what I will already be paying. And if I keep putting money into my regular savings...that’s even more. I could potentially reduce my payment time by YEARS and finally really start saving money for better things.

Financial freedom is something I never thought I could attain. But Cait’s book made me feel that it WAS possible, I just had to make it a priority. It was odd to realize that with as much anxiety as I had about repaying all my debt, I haven’t really been taking a lot of steps toward lessening my anxiety. But my making it a priority, not in terms of worrying but in terms of taking action, I have already lessened by burden significantly.

Usually when I do challenges like this, I lose motivation. But this is something I feel good about deep in my bones. And not only that, it’s easily doable. I’m not upping my savings significantly. I’m not even banning shopping like Cait did or cutting back on my eating habits (although I imagine this will start to happen organically once I’m really saving and realize how frivolous it is). I’m only cutting out unnecessary spending during work hours. That’s it.

Anyway I don’t think anyone will have read this all the way through, but if anyone has, thank you! I’m gonna try to post sometimes and talk about how it’s going :)

[madi2112]

Call it determination or stupidity, or both. Days after my release from a two week hospital stay, a near death experence and a week in a coma, I'm foolishly concerned with a series of events all happening in a space of 5 days. I am determined to make an appearance at all of them. Looking back that may not have the wisest choice. I couldn’t walk more then 2 minutes without gasping for air, couldn't even stand in place long enough to take a full shower and was barely able to eat. Not the best way to attend social events. But I went anyways. No one was gonna stop me. Not even me. First up on Tuesday was appointments with my therapist and my doctor. See end of previous post for that. Luckily they were a couple of hours apart. So I went back to my car and just rested for those 2 hours. It was the only way I was able to make it. Next on Wednesday night was the T-Network meetup. This was a rough one. The parking area was a block away. By far the longest I had walked yet. Plus I still had not retrieved my makeup kit and go-to hair yet. But I went anyway. With a friends makeup stash and my frizzy backup hair. The first picture (upper left) is at that event. Minimal makeup, panting and fighting to catch my breath, and just barely managing to eat a few bites of fries. Its the worst I feel I have looked since my first T-Network meetup in Oct of '16. But I did make it. So points for that. Just neeed 24+ hours of rest to recover. Next up on Friday was the Transgender Day of Visability annual event. I went with Tori and Lynn and got to meet Vicky there. So already its a better evening. It was nice event lots of people were there and had a decent 1/2 of grilled cheese sandwhich. Picture 2 (upper right) is the group shot. Im in the back row (as us tall ladies always are) right side. But the big event was the next night. The T for Two disco party raising money for Two Spirits Health. This is the one I had been planning for. The lady planning it put me on the guest list even though I was unable to complete my photoshoot for the presentation. That pesky 2 week hospitsl stay prevented it. Which was great of her. She was just happy I had survived it all. The music and entertainment was retro fun, the food was good and I had a real good time. Lots of people asked me if I was ok and let it be known they were thinking of me. Picture 3 (lower left) is of me and a one of the great staff at Two Spirits Health. I am dissapointed in the picture. The color shift this S5 has alters certain colors. Taupe becomes grey, dark reds show up brown and purple shows as blue. So the dress is white/black/purple, the knee high boots purple, the blouse goes from light purple to dark purple and even my headband is purple! All 4 days of events did take its toll on me physically and I need 2 days of rest just to get my breathing back. Im sure it pushed back the recovery process a bit. But I felt it was worth it. The last picture (lower right) Im at my doctors office and therapist visit again. I had also gotten copies of the medical records from my stay so Dr. Ellis could see what actally happened and it was 74 pages long! She is keeping my HRT dosage low for another month while I recover. Arg! I also was able to visit the financial department and fill out a harship request to waive the enormous bill for my stay. They said there is an excellent chance that will happen. Probably the most productive day since my release. Now I just need to stay patient and get better day by day. ~Madison HRT61

[cosmosogler]

today i got almost everything done!

my mother woke me up at about 5:45, and then again at 6:20. i was super angry. then my brother and sister were in both the upstairs bathrooms so i had to go all the way downstairs and across the house just to go to the bathroom before i went back to sleep.

i dreamed that i was getting annoyed with a conspiracy theorist. “video games are downloading scientific theories into your brain!!!” it was the science that scared them apparently. and the computers. the person wasn’t even present, i was just hearing their voice as i played dream mario, which is only slightly like nintendo mario. i told the voice that video games are just another way to tell a story. i pulled a children’s book out of somewhere, i think it was “goodnight moon” actually. except the cover was wrong. but i was telling the voice that there wasn’t nothin wrong with telling a cute or simple story.

sometimes the story is “i got really good at jumping over hills and across floating spinners and on turtles.”

i only put on the snooze for five minutes because i really, REALLY didn’t want to get up with less than like seven and a half hours of sleep. i got up anyway and showered. i didn’t get to spend long in the shower though... i really need to shave but i haven’t had much time at all the last five, seven days. i shower every other day since it’s a little better for your hair and skin...

anyway as i was heading out to go to therapy dad decided to start asking me to do some chores. i sort of started one, i let eve outside, but i seriously didn’t have time to wait for her to take a sunbath and let her back in. then someone (not naming names, because i’m not 100% sure) decided to park their car in a way that made it impossible for me to pull out of the garage. so i had to go back inside, get that car’s key, move it to the other side of the driveway, go back inside to drop off that key, and then i could get in “my” car and get going. then people on the freeway kept cutting me off without using their turn signals and also were generally going below the speed limit so i would have to stand on the brakes. this happened more than once. then i almost hit someone trying to get over to the exit because as i passed them apparently they sped up while passing through my blind spot so they were farther up than i thought they would be when i started changing lanes. cool!!!!!!!!

in individual therapy i brought up a bunch of emotional problems i had started to explore a little bit in group therapy. i ended up talking for the whole 45 minutes straight basically. like, my therapist asked a few questions, and reassured me a few times, but it was like a huge information dump so hopefully in the coming weeks i can start addressing each problem individually. i also got my semester refund paperwork sorted out with her. i’ll be able to pick it up next week. i mostly focused on how none of my problems feel “big enough” unless they are unsolvable since i really didn’t get to talk about it in group yesterday. i said one thing that i kind of liked though. i said “i feel like if i didn’t have so many problems, i wouldn’t have so many problems.” 

what i meant to say was “if i didn’t have so many mental and personality problems, i wouldn’t have so many life problems,” but the vagueness was silly enough that my therapist made a face and laughed. i said i didn’t know what to focus on first and she said “you’re already working on everything.” i had listed the multiple projects i am trying to keep up with therapy wise... i dunno. i feel like if i can get over that big “problems have to be impossible” hurdle things will start feeling a little more manageable and i’ll be able to make progress more quickly.

guess i gotta spend more time thinking about that. i’ll keep you posted as things come up.

after that i picked up my paperwork from my physician’s office since i was on that side of town and got the number for the radiology lab that wants to do the last test. when i got home i shoved some leftovers in the microwave and called the lab and scheduled my “hida scan,” which is a gall bladder test i guess where they put a bunch of glowing stuff through your digestive system and see if it goes through normally. the scheduler said it normally takes two hours unless they find something, in which case it will take longer. luckily my next therapy appointment is 4 hours after my procedure... i hope that will give enough time. i will have to let her know. i definitely wouldn’t be able to do it on a group therapy day and the lady seemed pretty keen on doing it as soon as possible. and i can’t do it in the afternoon in case it goes long and dad isn’t able to get to work.

so 8 am next tuesday it is.

so i had my ravioli and went upstairs and then after a short break i watched the iron giant with oz. the movie is even better than i remembered. then we talked about physics stuff while i worked on gathering study materials with my classmates. i had a great time, and i hope oz did too. it felt nice to do an activity with someone that took up all our attention, so i didn’t have to, like, feel self conscious about not baring my soul or something.

i think when asher gets back i will talk to him about maybe spending an afternoon at the pottery lounge thing by the amc. it’s not cheap, but last time i checked i didn’t think it was too expensive at least. and i still have the ceramic dog i painted like 15 years ago so the stuff lasts. basically you pick out a little ceramic statue and you get to paint it using a selection from like 200 different shades. and i think you can stay as long as it takes to paint it. the smaller stuff wasn’t too bad cost-wise.

got sidetracked. after i hung up with oz and got all my emails and google docs in order i went and got groceries for mom. she was making quesadillas for dinner. i unfortunately had to pay for them with my own money, and it felt weird buying meat after all these years. but i guess i buy dog treats often enough that it’s not really, like, a compromise of my morals or something. i noticed that the dogs really went wild over the chicken strips i bought last time, so i tried to expand to “turducken.” (spoiler: they loved those too.)

so i dropped off the vegetables and stuff with mom, checked on the cactus mouse, and watched a couple of the videos i had loaded up while talking to oz. i try not to spend too much time reading or watching videos while talking to people because i get super focused on what i’m looking at and don’t hear what they say any more haha.

then i went downstairs and had my veggie quesadilla. it was... ok. i was still a little hungry afterward, but i also felt kind of ill so i didn’t want to eat any more. eating with mom was the WORST. she breathes loud and chews with her mouth open so it’s just a constant avalanche of awful squishy mouth noises. it made me so angry and annoyed that i think that’s what made me sick more than the food. i kind of abruptly stood up and put my plate away and took the dogs outside after trying out the new treats. i tried to play fetch with wiley but he was having none of it today. which is very odd... maybe it was just too hot for him to want to run around. 

i have been experiencing kind of horrible pain between my shoulder blades. i’m pretty sure it’s not my bra pinching anything because it’s way above the strap... probably a pinched nerve. i tried stretching my arms and shoulders and that seemed to help a lot, so i’m thinking i slept in a bad position.

then i went back upstairs and whined to myself about my therapy homework. i did more “self care” research and added a few more posts to my queue. and i talked with some discord guys a little bit. then i caught up on my self esteem journal and picked out one of my “short term goals” from my hospital-issued treatment plan. i used that as a base to expand on for my goal worksheet. i finished all that around 11 so then i got started on the owl picture for 40 minutes or so. now i am 35 minutes into my journal entry, which puts me at a comfortable time to finish up and try to sleep. i got another 10 minutes before i hit my target “get ready for bed” time.

my group mates and therapist expressed interest when i let slip that i like to draw on monday. the therapist asked what i draw. i wasn’t sure how to answer... “furries” isn’t really something i wanted to get into. and i haven’t drawn my own characters except for a reference for one of the art trades in a long time. i suppose i should post the uncolored version of that since i scanned it in and haven’t worked on it with the tablet yet.

so i just said “characters and people.” i like landscapes, but i have trouble spending enough time on them to really get into the details. i’m hoping the coloring pages will help loosen up my patience so i might start feeling like spending a million hours on one picture again. it’s been a couple years since i did anything complicated.

i’m thinking about maybe taking my sketch book... but i don’t want to spend a lot of time on explaining what the picture is of when i have more urgent things to work on.

tomorrow i have more things to do! i NEED to work on the welcome packet for ufl. i need to scan in a bunch of stuff, like my immunization records and my doctors’ notes for my refund file. i need to send an email to the preliminary test coordinator to figure out how to proceed with my studying... i need to know how much to panic about this. then after group therapy i need to drop off my sister’s old prescriptions at the police station. that won’t take too long. if i got energy i’d like to organize my desk and maybe also tidy up my room a little bit. write some things down to put in the jar. then i will work on my self esteem journal, continue reading through the self care resources i’ve got open in a million tabs, and work on the coloring page a little bit. that sounds good. and at some point i need to write my 1- to 2-paragraph essay for the refund. and also i gotta email my apartment complex about stuff like the bed size and some cupboard dimensions and whether there’s a microwave and stuff like that. some of those things i’m pretty sure i can just look up somewhere.

i think i can manage those things. the student orientation videos might have to wait until thursday but i can compile the paperwork and read the faqs and stuff. none of these tasks take long by themselves. so as long as i remember to take little breaks and stay motivated i think i can get it done and not have to worry about it so much any more.

ok, it is 12:30, which is only 5 minutes after my target time! i’m gonna do the daily pokemon stuff for 2-3 minutes and then get ready for bed. gotta practice giving myself credit for reaching/working on goals and stuff, even when i don’t want to.