#anyway just some musing about chronic depression and anxiety

[caffeinatedopossum]

My anxiety and depression feel like the ocean. Even when I'm not drowning in it, I'm having to fight to swim and it's exhausting. Even when I'm not swimming in it, it's still there, waves greedily lapping at my feet. It's always there.

I don't talk about it because there isn't much to say. Everyone already knows the ocean exists, yknow? Telling them it does just seems redundant.

Even when I'm sitting safely on the shore I can't stop thinking about it, staring at it, swaying where I stand because I've forgotten what it feels like to stand without the waves. Just waiting for the tide to rise again because I know it has to. Waiting for the ocean to disappear even though I know it never could.

[wawawawawawawawawawawawawa]

the amount of times i Do This must be a joke at this point but here i am. doing it once more. izaya's highschool videogame SCREAMS "i just found out i have aspd and i am NOT taking it well." and i shall explain how

a preface: wrt "how did he know in high school, don't you have to be 18?" you do.... with the dsm guidelines. japan, iirc, uses a conbination of the dsm and icd to diagnose mental illnesses, and the age stipulation isn't in the icd. also, shinra could have told him, and lbr shinra wouldnt care about strictly adhering to the age thing

anyway i went thru and highlighted different parts of the videogame's text, so i can easier explain which part means what. i'll primarily be focusing on the chronic boredom associated with aspd- since izaya's game deals with patience, most musings in it will be related to that boredom. but the boredom, especially izaya's, IS important, as its the boredom that drives him to do what he does. to be what he is.

(shoutout to miyukiwinter for the scan)

so... the red bit. this relates to izaya's worldview of the need to keep evolving to escape the mundane, and it not mattering if you aim high or low. now at this point, izaya was solidly in some shady shit and clearly on the path of the low aim. but the thing is, about aspd... the boredom is all consuming. you'll do ANYTHING to not be bored. i've seen people say they developed substance abuse problems to escape the boredom, and i confess... i've done it too. it truly is THAT bad

i say all this because... izaya will never be able to stop going lower, and lower, and lower. he's fated to fall forever. maybe he wouldve been able to brush his behavior off as teenage craziness, but with a diagnosis like aspd it becomes increadingly obvious that there is no "oh, i'll mellow out once i reach my 20s." it's not going to happen, at least, not without great effort. and lets be real, nobody has any faith in aspd's recovery rates, less so in the early 2010s, so izaya upon diagnosis would see NO FUTURE for himself. no escape from the cycle. he's trapped.

the blue bits are a bit more vauge, but the undertainty turning to loss evokes the next stage after the initial shock of diagnosis: grief. and make no mistake, there IS a grieving process with mental health diagnoses. you go from being shocked and scared, to being depressed and numb.

but there's... another layer to this, with aspd. you see it with cluster b disorders in general, but aspd is HUGE in the pop culture zeitgeist

the layer is, the idea that People Like That don't feel emotions. that any emotional display is false and an explicit ploy to mainpulate someone

and when this inevitably ends up untrue, you might start to feel... odd... about feeling those emotions people say you can't feel. and one of the biggest emotions aspd gets that with, is fear and by extension, anxiety.

some aspd people genuinely do feel reduced fear! but it's far from being a diagnostic criteria, and aspd can actually be comorbid with anxiety disorders. but scientific facts and wider culture rarely match up, so the idea persists

so izaya might have started to think.... was he ever truly anxious? or worried? was he really more rotten than people thought; was he just mainpulating people the whole time? does he really not feel anxiety? was his nervousness over things like shinra leaving him or hell, this diagnosis, rendered null and void?

and then we reach the teal portion.... despair

(just a sidenote, tumblr has no teal color option so it'll just be blue)

in this sense, "the hole" refers to the endless downward spiral, and his diagnosis- but not just having it. no, "the hole" most likely refers to the moment izaya developed it in the first place.

who are you, if you thought you were in control your whole life, but you found out that the reason you do the things you do were because of foeces beyond your control? who are you now, having a label you know will cause everyone to see you as nothing but a stereotype?

why was he still alive, suffering like this? what point is it to be alive, controlled by something you can't fight, forced to make your life worse and worse and worse, until you die young?

so now what? who did this to him?

in the game, the hatred is towards "the player." and honestly this could have multiple different meanings when applied to izaya's own life

does he hate god? was he raised religious, his father being a christian, and was this what made him lose faith? what loving god would condemn someone to suffer like this?

does he hate his parents? after all, it was their genetics that passed this down, their upbringing that nurtured it, their neglect that made him the way he was. is it their fault?

or... does he hate himself, for being the way that he is? for having it in the first place, for not being able to overcome it, for having such a bad reaction to it?

for being too cowardly to kill himself?

which brings us to the final segment. awareness.

he says outright, the game is depicting the player's life. in the game itself, this ties into his mockery of players, but in a meta sense, it could be a hidden admission that it's depicting his life

especially the talk of meaningless games- fooling around with nakura creating small gangs, betting pools, and his eventual adult pastimes of messing with people. is his life enriched? no, it's merely occupied, and he knows it. he might have repressed it as an adult, but here, in high school, at this moment, he knows.

and if he can never truly alleviate his boredom, never truly be fufilled, then he can act like he's in control all he wants, but he's no better than a man falling in a hole.

[roleplaybook]

My previous post was about ghosts, too — because that’s the main complaint I see from the roleplay community! I’d also like to touch on dealing with ghosts — ie., keeping your sanity in check when it happens — in a future post. Check out the ghost tag if you’d like to see everything I’ve written on the topic.

Without further ado,

Who Ghosts?

The truth is, most of us, at one point or another. Some of us are deeply ashamed chronic phantoms. Others are proud poltergeists. The shorter answer is this: anyone can be a ghost.

It happens, and sometimes it’s outside our control. This, however, seems to be the rarest form of ghosting, even if it’s the most understandable and one of the most legitimate reasons.

Hell, if you want to get really fuckin’ literal about it (and dark), one day, each and every one of us will “log off” for the last time. There’s a good chance you won’t know it’s your last time, so yeah — in theory, you’re probably going to “ghost” a couple people who won’t know what happened to you.

Hopefully not for a good, long time, though! So, who is more likely to ghost?

The Anxious

That is absolutely not to say anxiety is a red flag in the roleplay community. In fact, I think you would be very fuckin’ hard pressed to find a collaborative writer who doesn’t suffer from anxiety. Maybe this is part of the reason ghosting is so very prolific — but when anxiety is the root cause, the thought process tends to be something like this:

Oh, shit. It’s been a while since I replied, last. My writing partners muse be so tired of me. I should apologize, but I doubt my words mean anything at this point since it keeps happening. Is it awkward to just post, now? If I say something, are they gonna be mad at me?

Alternatively,

I have no idea how to reply to this, but they’re going to blow up at me if I ask them to edit their post — I just know it.

The Depressed

I just can’t scrounge up the energy. What’s another burned bridged? I’ll eventually lose their interest, anyway.

The Oft-Scorned

Yeah, no. Last time I told someone I’d lost interest in the plot, they stalked me across the Internet, doxxed me, threatened my life, and blew up my socials for a month. I’m just gonna dip. ✌

The Distracted

Didn’t I have a post I owed…? Wait, what’s this show? This is— ope, annnnd hyperfixated.

The Too-Kind

It doesn’t feel kind to be ghosted, and maybe it’s ultimately not kind — but these people really do have the best of intentions.

It’s gonna make her so sad if I tell her outright that her writing isn’t quite up to par with my standards. Better to just disappear.

The Oblivious

I’m guilty of this one.

Oh, shit — yeah, makes sense they’d check in. It’s been a while since I replied, last. I’ll let them know I am still totally interested in this plot. Because I am! I AM INTERESTED. I’ll totally reply, I just need a few more days to gather muse. I’ll definitely regain interest in this and it’ll be great.

AKA, some of us need to learn to tell when we’re lying to ourselves and stringing people along unintentionally.

The Takeaway

Ghosting reflects more on the ghost than on the ghostee.

If you’d like to read more about ghosting outside the collaborative writing context, check out this article from Psychology Today.

[isefyres-archive]

let's talk some facts because we don't stand for rude anons here. following on what mari was said per an anon she received. and i promise this is the only thing i will write about it because the anon clearly has beef with me too for having friends. as she said in her response, we had been friends for +4 years, more if you count the months we lurked around in a fandom.

she was one of the very first people who convinced me to watch cobra kai and it became one of my main fandoms and we built most of our interactions there. she had always been honest with me with how she feels and in turn, i had done the same, we built a friendship and trust, and we started step by step. first a meme or two, then a starter call and then, to talk. like she said, this is how i approached her out of a random joke we were doing on the dash:

one of the few reasons why dash interaction is important? this. i have met a few people here who had the same and i been writing and plotting. but the number of people who approach versus those who follow me? stagging low. but i don't complain. life is busy, i myself sometimes get dragged on and only last year i was diagnosed with chronic depression, generalized anxiety disorder and s*icide idealization. so yes, i have my bad days, and those days, my energy goes to those that make me happy. here is a nice little photo of all the meds i take:

and at this point in my life? she is my best friend here. she been there for me for the days I have panic attack and anxiety issues, as well one of the few people who knew of my attempt last year around my birthday. there is friendship, there is a bond there. but regarding roleplay? in the end, we are two people who often prefer to start things with memes and starter calls, even meme calls.

she has 40+ muses of ASOIAF, and guess what? me? in this multi 139 + my single blogs, so there is no lack of muses for you to get and send memes randomly. or send me a dm, or even better, add me on discord where it's easier to interact because I blog hop a lot.

meme calls, starter calls, meme reblogs, I always post those everywhere, memes i reblog here are welcome to be send to my other single blogs too. clearly, you have beef with me and you are taking it with mari for some odd reason when things are as simple as sending a meme. and guess what, we interact so much because i spam her with memes (across her blogs, and to her multi i send MULTIPLE choices so she can pick and grab and sometimes test new interactions). she does the same with me. sometimes, the only things i have in my drafts is her.

regarding exclusivity? we might have exclusivity regarding ships (for example, i might only ship my robb with her dany because of how we have plotted and ramble about it), does not mean either of us are closing interactions of those characters. you can have many dynamics regarding the same characters, that's what makes roleplay fun and dynamic. but again, it's a few dynamics, exclusive to maybe a verse in speciality. i'm open world, meaning i have loads of verse, not all written down but i take threads to be independent unless plotted.

I interact with mari's dany, bianca's dany and both are unique takes and beautiful portrayals of the same character and i can see it through my own characters. my own dany is also different than theirs, as i made modifications and i ship something that some usually don't (jorah x dany show version) and that's okay. to think you have no place in interacting with her (or me really) i think is more how you might feel that in a day, we reply to one another 4 or 5 times in different blogs, but that's because we took the risk.

that's how many of my interactions start; i take a risk, or someone takes a risk and sends a meme. plots and dynamics and verses.

anyways this is just a way to say that perhaps, just perhaps, you should've approached this via DMs or discord if you have her and ask for plots, but its a two way street buddy. you offer, i offer, we contribute, we modify, we create together, that's roleplaying. I will not let you guilt trip mari or me for creating together and having fun, which is the purpose of roleplaying.

so this is a long winded ramble to resume like this and perphaps a public announcement to those who read this: me and mari? spam us with memes, to the point tumblr tells you you gotta wait an hour. send a meme and then send a dm saying if it's okay. that's how we started and look how long we reached to the point friendship trascends the screen. and one day i will go to usa to visit her and probably die for saying vodoo outloud where she lives. but that's friendship.

anyways: be kind, don't send anons if you are not going to say something nice, spam your mutuals with memes (yes even in multis, just shoot your shot like nick cannon does with his baby mama's) and you will be surprised. that's what we call here:

[lighthouseborn]

Repost and bold what applies to your muse: Health Edition

gets colds easily - has a chronic condition - has had major surgery - has had minor surgery - suffers from spring allergies - has broken a bone - has a sensitive stomach - gets headaches easily - has anxiety - has depression - is prone to panic attacks - bruises easily - has had a major health scare - has lost a loved one to health issues - pushes themselves when sick - is a poor patient - is a good patient - ignores signs of poor health in themselves - is a hypochondriac - has undiagnosed health issues - isn’t bothered by medical settings - hates medical settings

• has had minor surgery — Stitches. All verses he has gotten stitches at least once. At least. He has ... definitely one but maybe two? verses where he has had major surgery (D:BH and modern.)

• has broken a bone — A few! I have my 'he climbs' headcanon, so he's definitely broken fingers here and there. His nose, at least once (which I guess is not technically a bone, but it's in the spirit of things.) His right forearm, once (compounded with a shoulder injury, which was more muscle damage but. All in all just a really bad incident.) And I think he's at least fractured a few ribs, if not completely broken them.

• gets headaches easily — Maybe not... easily? But he's prone. Familiar with them, anyway, for different reasons in different verses but also just in general. Maybe it's all the should-have-been-a-concussion's, maybe Turners aren't so immune to head trauma after all, I don't know.

• has anxiety — There's a definite lean for it that exists, mostly separation anxiety. I don't think it plagues him in a daily capacity, and honestly there are some things he could probably stand to be more cautious about, but I do think he's specifically touchy about the matter of his loved ones being parted from him. It doesn't take a lot to make him worry about his people. It doesn't..take anything, really. If they're out of his immediate reach, he's at least a little bit worried they won't be able to get back. He's got a few tools for dealing with it and generally keeps handle unless there's a lot of pressure on it, but it's still a thing that's There you know?

• pushes themself when sick — For one thing he just doesn't get sick very often, he's a resilient type, so he's definitely likely to try and ignore (or just more likely he'll miss the signs of) things at first. He generally writes things off until he's gone from 'feel a little off' to 'miserable and suffering'. So, if it never gets that bad, he's not likely to act 'sick' at all. It'll be just a rough couple days, not "got sick."

• is a poor patient — When he feels half bad but not awful and someone tries to get him to rest and etc. he is... very unlikely to follow this instruction. As well, he just struggles in general with accepting acts of service + hates when people try to assume authority/control. If he really truly feels very bad and/or sought out the help he will follow instructions to feel better, but. You know. Levels. Nuance. You'll have to fight with him at least a little bit, probably, but there are also ways he'll Try.

• hates medical settings — Well, sort of? It's not that he has medical anxiety or a particular grudge against infirmaries or hospitals, etc., it's that he broadly associates them with boredom and a certain level of (annoying but not (typically) threatening) loss of autonomy. So it's not that he hates the setting itself he just dislikes when he's bound to them. He generally has no problems paying visits to others or passing through for a checkup.

Circumstantially; in verses that engage with his sixth sense, his mild aversion to medical settings also has to do with the way these places are unavoidably shadowed by death. When you're a person who can feel and Notice the places death touches your world, hospitals tend to sit a little funny. (Like a knot in the chest.)

tagged: @halforc-mercenary tagging: @tiderider @parameddic @dvarapala @hvndredstories & all my beloved dash thieves

[aureamediocritasi]

chronic aches mind

chronic: does my muse have any chronic health conditions / illnesses? how do these affect them from day-to-day? 

a lot of nerve damage! involuntarily twitching and chronic pain, mostly in the worst of his scars around his torso. he never comments on it or takes anything for it, though. both because pain killers arent something easy to come by, and also because he feels he sort of deserves to live with it anyway. its his injury, he should be reminded it exists, is what he'd probably say about it.

aches: does my muse have any frequent aches? ie, muscle aches, joint aches? how do these affect them from day-to-day? 

rotator cuffs on both arms definitely, and especially with his missing one. sometimes he can still feel it, and then the pain of whenever it was cut off comes back like its new. whenever this happens, he takes off his prosthetic and rubs some numbing cream into the healed over scar tissue. seems to work for the worst of it, in his experience.

mind: does my muse have any mental conditions that affect their lives? what are they? how do they handle them? what coping methods do they use most?

depression, anxiety, paranoia, panic, mild ocd, c-ptsd but that kind of includes most of the first four. naur he does not have any coping mechanisms besides being acutely aware that all of it is a thing and just dealing with it as it comes. if he has a panic attack he sits still for as long as he needs to until it goes away. as for the depression, anxiety, paranoia etc. he just drinks. very healthy. he has his own little rituals for the ocd: his morning routine, and he deals with other excessive intrusive thoughts by playing them out in his head rather than doing them if theyre inconvenient. if theyre not then he just does it. he probably also has some undiagnosed/unidentified ADHD / ADD. i def know knives is autistic lets be real as senior wizard the great autismo myself.

[freedomscall]

Hi, call me Autumn. I’m 30+, have been roleplaying for 15+ years on and off with 10+ years experience roleplaying on Tumblr, and prefer they/them or she/her pronouns. I have a discord that is available on request for general ooc conversation and plotting, all you have to do is ask for it. I got that autism + adhd + depression + anxiety combo, so typically I’m pretty shy and awkward starting off when you first talk to me. Due to my mental illness I get stressed out pretty easily over things and at times will take a while to get around to replies and starters. I also have chronic nerve pain from a lower back injury and suffer from regular bouts of brain fog which will limit my energy for writing in general. Just because it needs to be said, Mun =/= Muse ; Muse =/= Mun. I play a character who is pretty moralistically grey and may do or hint at doing problematic things at times. This does NOT mean I support those same viewpoints. Anders is a super complex character who’s actions ultimately result in something so powerful they send a good chunk of the world into turmoil. I want to stress that Anders’ plot to blow up the Kirkwall Chantry was a terrible thing done by a person who felt as though they had no other option when every other peaceful measure he attempted failed. Could there have been other ways of solving the problem? Maybe. Did anyone actually listen? No. Regardless it was the only a matter of time before the powder keg that was Kirkwall’s tensions between Mages and Templars blew up given that you find out in the final act that Meredith had already written to the Divine to request permission to enact the Right of Annulment in advanced. Either way, I’ve adored Anders as a character ever since DAO Awakening so whatever hate or arguments you might see fit to send me isn’t going to change my mind on how I feel about him. Naturally I’m fine with him suffering people’s vitriol in character, but I won’t tolerate receiving that kind of behavior out of character. I’ll be using Toby Regbo from his appearance in Reign as Ander’s IRL FC.

On Following

I’m usually too nervous to follow people first, due to anxiety issues, but if I do follow you first it means I definitely want to try writing with you! I’ll follow back Dragon Age canons unless something about your blog turns me off for some reason. Anyways, the same typically goes for OCs with reasonable Dragon Age verses that I feel could allow for interactions with Anders. I’m going to be more picky about non-DA canons ( unless I already have an AU for their source material ), even if they have an DA themed verse or two– so please don’t feel bad if I don’t end up following you back. :c

Threads and Replies

On average I write anywhere between one and a half to two paragraphs per reply, though I have been known to write four+ depending on how inspired I am. If this for some reason bothers you or if you’re simply looking for super casual, one line replies with or without dialog every thread, I’d advise you not to follow me. That is not to say that I’m against short replies though! I can usually work well with two or three sentences so long as I feel like I can actually reply to it and in cases where I can’t, I usually ask my partners to add more if possible instead of outright dropping the thread. TBH, I just feel like it’s super discouraging to write a paragraph or two and only get a single sentence with or without dialog back in return. :c I am notoriously slow when it comes to replies and am prone to dropping threads once I feel too overwhelmed. If you suspect that I’ve dropped your thread and would like to continue it, feel free to contact me over tumblr im or via discord if you have it. If I follow you first or follow back, feel free to reply to any of my opens and memes I reblog or contact me via my inbox / tumblr im if you have any ideas, but please note that my ‘like for starter’ posts are for mutuals only. Feel more than welcome to reply to asks and continue the conversation if you like what I answered with, I by default turn all answered asks into text post instead of traditional answered ask posts for ease of interactions. I don’t care if you use icons or not. Sometimes I don’t. Icons aren’t an indicator of quality to me. Typically icons will accompany most short posts given I have one that fits the thread. It is possible that I will avoid attaching icons to longer, multi para threads depending on how I feel.

NSFW Threads

Both mun and muse are over the age of 18, which leaves everything open to possible NSFW sexually based threads. Personally, I like writing smut on the occasion, but I prefer to ship chemistry more than anything and will not do pointless nsfw threads unless I’ve rp’d and spoken with you ooc for a while. I WILL NOT write sexually themed or exceedingly violent / gore-y threads with individuals under the age of 18. I’m generally not going to follow anyone younger than 20 just because I don’t really feel comfortable with following those who are more than ten years younger than me even on my personal blog. I check for ages and if I find out you’ve lied just to write smut at any point I will not hesitate to block you.

Relationships / Shipping

I’m generally open to the idea of pre-established original character relationships (semi or whole friendships / crushes / enemies / etc) between characters as they can make interactions considerably easier for me, so feel free to present any ideas if you’d also like to go that route via my inbox / tumblr im or discord if you have it! If you want to go the route of an established OC relationship outside of an obvious casual connection, please be aware that I will ask you to dm me via tumblr im or discord, since I find it easier to develop relationships with other characters while having a chance to occasionally talk ooc with those involved. As a plus, it makes rp'ing with you much more comfortable for me. I mostly ship Anders with M!Hawke, F!Hawke, Fenris, and Nathanial Howe, but am open to other canon characters as well so long as it’s workable. Obviously, I’m also willing to develop romantic ships with OCs granted I find them interesting and if I feel like there’s good chemistry! You also get big bonus points if you’re a rivalmance Hawke because I’m super weak for that dysfunctional shit. It’s possible I might limit my number of ships for Hawke in the future. I’m a sucker for romance, but Anders also needs platonic, friendly Hawkes that support his goals and believe in his cause without catching feelings for him sometimes too!

Triggers

This blog is generally not safe for work, just to be clear. There are times where it may contain triggers that I will try my best to tag in a coherent manner, but please be aware that I will not always tag things unless a mutual requires it their ooc page. I by default tag anything related to NSFW situations, anything related to abusive scenarios, and anything else involving blood. I have no triggers, personally, but I do have things that make me uncomfortable. These include topics related to cheating / infidelity and similar content. I would appreciate if partners would consider tagging content related to these, but it’s not necessary.

[scnteria]

( alex wolff, cis male, he/him, muse b ) oh snap! is that THEODORE “TEDDY” WELLS ? they work over at high volume where some of the other employees have labeled them as THE MISCREANT. that’s probably because they can be a bit ( affable ) but also pretty ( misguided ). they’re 22 and they’ve been living in woodstock for FOUR YEARS. it must be their shift because i totally hear RADIOHEAD blasting from the record store. 

( @volumeupdates )

hi everyone !! phew i’m so hype to be here... hello... you can call me wren ! i’m in the est timezone and use she/her pronouns. a lil bit about me: i love making playlists and my silly little lattes every morning, i have two puppies at home that i love more than anything, and i’m currently watching ted lasso and falling in l*ve with jason sudeikis and no i do not think i named teddy after ted lasso but it might’ve been an unconscious thing idk

anyway, i’m going to try not to ramble too much about my boi teddy but you’ve been warned:

sweet boy theodore ! he mostly goes by teddy. i don’t think he minds being called theodore but he DOES hate the nickname ted. sorry to mr. sudeikis

he was born and raised in chicago but his father is from woodstock. he has some distant family here but growing up, it was teddy, his mom, dad, and older brother mccartney ( mick !! )

( alcoholism, hoarding disorder tw ) teddy’s older brother was like a refuge for him in a household that was pretty tough to live in. his mother is an extreme hoarder so teddy felt pretty trapped in his own home. on top of that, his father is a functioning alcoholic who had a tendency to pick fights when really wasted. ( end tw )

teddy shared a room with mick, so that was like their little escape from it all ! but mick left for college because he’s a Smart, Good Boy when teddy was fifteen ! so he took it super hard to be living alone in this environment

( depression tw ) naturally, at that age ( and with evident mental health issues running in the family ), teddy started to show signs of depression. in an attempt to alleviate that, his fam fulfilled a lifelong dream and adopted a lil border collie pup ! ( end tw )

he realized his home wasn’t suitable for him, his mental health, or his dog winnie. he saved up money by working odd jobs throughout high school and on his eighteenth birthday, he and his pup moved to woodstock.

his dog winnie is named after his celebrity crush, winona ryder ! he absolutely carries a polaroid photo of her in his wallet because truly that is his child and god bless you if you even mention dogs around him

he got the job at high volume four years ago so he’s been around for a bit ! jerry was actually really good friends with teddy’s father, so he’s known jerry pretty much his entire life. 

( drug use and alcoholism tw ) teddy has a chronic intestinal disease that basically attacks his immune system and can be preeeetty painful ! it’s manageable ofc and although teddy would say: “kurt cobain had it too so it’s fine,” it still Sucks to deal with. he is on medication for it, though another prescription works wonders for pain too...... and that ‘prescription’ is just Weed. he smokes a lot lol and also likes to drink, both as a source of self-medication and just because ! ( end tw )

( violence and ptsd tw ) oh haha also he saw jerry get shot in an alley but i imagine he is currently going through the many phases of ptsd at this moment. very much trying to keep it together but in reality, he’s a ball of pure anxiety and could crack at any given moment. definitely going through some bouts of denial and doubt ? jerry is not only his boss but he’s a family friend and someone he kind of looked up to, so it’s safe to say he’s not Doing Well ( end tw )

ok now more about his CHARACTER:

teddy is a sweetheart. he’s got golden retriever tendencies, i’d say ! verrrry sociable, loves to be around people.

he’s pretty independent and self-sufficient for someone who makes dumb decisions and doesn’t vibe with being alone  ! he has learned to look out for himself but at the same time, he’s one of those people that make you wonder how he got this far ??

overall, a pretty great friend to have. he’s a man of his word and basically likes to make people around him feel comfortable and happy ! 

kinda charming, an accidental flirt at times. like i don’t think he realizes when he’s flirting ? he’s a little oblivious and definitely does better with people who are direct with him. like if you’re dropping hints that you like him or need him to do something, he won’t pick up on it at all lol the boy is stuck in his own little world that has karma police playing on a constant loop

walking into a shift with him means you’ll either be: entertained, annoyed, distracted, or high lol

( drugs tw ) like he has shown up to work high before and probably has smoked outside during a slow shift i’m SORRY ( end tw )

messy, messy boy makes questionable decisions because he doesn’t quite think them through. he’s SO responsible with his dog, but himself ? a hot mess

perhaps he’s not ... wise when it comes to money... i’ll leave it at that for now :)

perpetually running late and rambles a good amount

weak-willed and self-destructive ! he’s easily swayed to do pretty much anything bc he’s kind of a happy-go-lucky kind of dude. pretty much does Not say no to plans and maybe he pushes his alcohol tolerance from time to time

CONNECTION ideas !!

he moved to woodstock four years ago and i wanna say he lives alone but tbh a roommate would be Cost Effective ( must like dogs tho )

that being said, if your character happened to grow up in chicago let’s do some childhood connections ! maybe an old friend, previous unrequited crush, etc.

pls give me a favorite coworker that just doesn’t get anything done when they’re working together

he absolutely will get on people’s nerves. he gets on MY nerves. so give me enemies of any sort lol

i don’t think he’s much of a relationship guy. i could see one longterm relationship in his past so an ex is a possibility ! 

a previous one-night stand is pretty accurate for him too, but i don’t see him thinking it’s weird or anything. i see him being pretty casual with hook-ups in general, so... do with that as you will

friends ! teddy is a talker and really likes to get to know people, so i can see him having friends of varying levels lol whether you’ve spoken twice but he’s like That’s My Guy ! or you regularly see him walking his dog or you just vibe at work... truly this man will talk to a wall. the possibilities are endless

a BEST friend ! i would very much like someone that teddy spews mostly everything to. he will indeed lay his life on the line for this person lol

party-goers, fellow druggies ! this is a scene teddy OFTEN dabbles in, whether you indulge yourself or provide. >:)

could definitely see him on the receiving end of a mom/dad/parent friend kind of relationship. like that john mulaney quote GET SOME REST, TALL CHILD

okay i seriously need to stop this got so long please end me anyway hit me up here or on discord for all of the plots. i really like to get into the nitty gritty of plots so if that’s your jam, let’s make some toast, baby ! i’m SO excited to get things going !

[kokoro-no-kizuna]

Mobile Friendly Rules (Read Before Interacting)

THESE ARE JUST A FEW GENERAL THINGS I FEEL ARE IMPORTANT TO BE ADDRESSED BEFORE I GO ANY FURTHER, SO PLEASE TAKE THE TIME TO READ THEM.

I know they seem long but some of it is also just information I thought was important for you to know before interacting with me.  And a lot of it is generic stuff too but please still read anyway. 

- ★ First and most important thing is that the mun has a very serious cannibalism trigger, which includes ANY form of people being eaten (including animals or monsters or any such other creatures eating people). (Excluding vampires, as that doesn’t typically involve the eating of human flesh, and rather simply blood itself. Zombies however, are included). As such, please tag all SNK or Hannibal related posts, especially with such things in them, but even the ones without such scenes in them, due to the fact that these two shows/fandoms are the reason I learned I have this trigger, and so the entire thing now can cause my trigger due to association, and memory connection to it. Also I ask that you tag any other shows/fandoms/gifs with such things in them as well. Please and thank you very much. My blacklisted tags are: SNK, Shingeki No Kyojin, Attack On Titan, AoT, tokyo ghoul, tg, Hannibal, Cannibalism, tw: cannibalism, twd, the walking dead, walking dead, zombies, and hunting trophies.  Any form of these (capitalization does not matter, however spaces do) will be caught by my blacklist, so I would appreciate it if you’d use one of these for those posts. Also suggestions for other possible blacklist tags that I may have forgotten are much appreciated. Also as an added note, I will not follow, RP with, or associate in ANY WAY, any blogs that have to do with my triggers. (Multi-muse blogs can sometimes be okay, this more applies to blogs that post SPECIFICALLY about the fandoms that trigger me). If you are a multi-muse blog that has characters from these fandoms, all I ask is that you be sure to tag them with the fandom they are from, with one of the tags in my list, and tag any of the triggers. We’ll be perfectly fine if you do!

- Secondly, I am not here just to to roleplay smut. I WILL do so if I feel like it and if the roleplay goes that direction after building up the relationship, however I am not here for that. I do prefer however if our smut RPs are placed under a read more, if at all possible. I will not RP smut with underage muns however. Underage muses, depending on the age (and if our muses are close to the same age, eg: Both our muses are 16, cuz teenagers do things, as much as we might dislike the fact they do, and no matter how much we wish they wouldn’t) I may still write it. It’s very dependent on the particular muses. I will not RP smut with a muse that is 18 or over, and a muse that is underage. I will not RP smut with muses that are legitimate children (14 and under). However despite my willingness to write it, it doesn’t mean that it will happen if the other mun is not comfortable with. I don’t force it. I don’t need it. I just basically accept that that kind of stuff happens, and it’s a very realistic thing. My nsfw tag is #n;sfw so you are aware, because the original nsfw tag doesn’t work as well anymore.

- ★ I am autistic. I know I don’t seem like it at first, and sometimes it’s hard to tell, however I am, and I also have ADHD, and it does affect the way my mind works with things. Sometimes having things done certain ways makes all the difference between if I can do something or if I can’t. If it sounds like I want to do something, but seem to struggle with figuring out how, please feel free to make suggestions, or start the thing yourself! It’s actually REALLY helpful when I get stuck. My being autistic can also affect who I can roleplay with, and how I roleplay, and how I think. Please keep this in mind, and try to be understanding. If something bothers you, or you don’t understand something, just ask me! I’ll do my best to explain, or fix it.

- Though it may not always seem like it, I am VERY shy and awkward. I’m actually legitimately terrified of new people, and trying to talk to people I haven’t spoken to before, or very much yet, almost makes me feel like I’m going to have a panic attack. If you want to RP with me, please message me! Chances are I’d LOVE to chat with you and RP with you, I’m just too terrified to talk to you.

- I struggle with chronic depression, and sometimes I may disappear for a while if I have a spell that gets particularly bad. Please be patient with me, as I will never forget about you and will always return. Also since it needs to be said, I also have EXTREME, doctor diagnosed anxiety. Sometimes it gets the better of me. Same with depression. Sometimes I have bad days. So I vent, and get frustrated with things. Little things bother me a lot more than they would on a normal day. If you can’t handle that or are going to be a hypocrite about it then please just leave right now. I don’t need your negativity. I have enough unwanted of that in my head as it is, which I combat and fight against every day.

- I am a multiship/multiverse blog, however my muses will likely be very selective with shipping for the time being however I am still happy to discuss ships and will happily consider them. Also a note, that I will ship with multiples of the same character, if the mun of those blogs wishes to ship with me. I find each relationship is different, seeing as each mun plays their character a little differently.

- I will do crossovers sometimes with fandoms I am familiar with. Crossovers always depend on my mood and how well my muse can interact with a character, as well as how well I know the series the character is from. Please forgive me if I choose not to roleplay a specific crossover. I still like you, I promise. If you’re unsure if I know your fandom, just ask! I do know of a lot of fandoms, so there’s a good chance I might.

- I ship based on chemistry. Sometimes I can develop a ship quickly, especially if I know the other muse’s personality well, and know they will mesh well with mine. Other times, a ship takes time for me to develop. Please be understanding and patient with me on this.

- Do NOT under any circumstances, force a ship on me. I am usually quite good at expressing ships I am okay with, and it will usually show in my writing. If you are unsure if I ship something or not, feel free to send me a message and ask me. Most of my characters have their own way of showing interest in someone, however most are usually pretty clear in expressing it in some way. Sending memes for interaction is fine for anyone whether we have interacted or not, and I will usually reply to those, however do not force a ship on me outside of that. If one develops between our characters, then fine. However that is a MUTUAL thing, so I do not take kindly to someone just deciding something is a thing. If you want to try to build one between our characters, then go ahead. Just please show me respect. That is the biggest and most important thing with me, is respect.

- I will write anything from 1 liners to multi-paragraphs when I RP. I usually stick to 1 or two shortish paragraphs, and that tends to fluctuate or shrink depending on how much information is needed to describe a scene. If we start out with a shorter paragraph, and I make a reply a fair bit longer, I will likely revert back to the shorter paragraph again within 1 or 2 replies. However you are welcome to write however you wish, just as long as you can give me something to go on. (A one liner in response to a 10 line paragraph for example, I will struggle to reply to.)

- I do not tolerate anon hate of any kind. Not towards myself, nor towards others. I will respond to it in a way that will make the sender feel rather like an idiot, and I am very smart and capable of doing so, so please be advised of that, if you intend to do so.

- I will RP more violent NSFW RPs, however ONLY as long as I am in the mood for them. Anything triggering will be tagged. The mun of this blog is (well) over 18.

- Apologies, but I absolutely WILL NOT RP with people who RP in first person. It is something I cannot stand and I just will not do it.

- ★ I am better at roleplaying ships with males (BoyxBoy/Yaoi/etc), due to being more familiar with it and having more experience with it ((as I myself am very very very gay, and also trans (which is where the issues with writing about female parts makes me very uncomfortable comes from) )). I may however attempt to ship romantically with female characters, since romantic ships I can do, but please keep in mind it is something I am not as good at or as comfortable with, so if in the end, I decide I am unable to do so, please be understanding of this. (Especially if smut is included in the ship. I cannot smut with female characters, sorry. I am well aware it’s dumb that my brain rebels to it but it doesn’t change the fact that it does.)

- I am slightly fickle about things I can reply to. I try very hard to reply to everything, however one thing I am not good at, is sudden changes in roleplays. As much as I hate to admit it, and try to pretend it isn’t true, and even though I am quite good at managing it most times, I am autistic, (high functioning form of autism) and that is one of the few issues I struggle with the most. If you sense a roleplay is changing directions, please hint at it to me in the tags or something the reply before it does, since even that small little hint can be enough to help keep me from having to drop an RP. Even if you are unsure if it will or not, letting me know that you think it MIGHT possibly happen (since we don’t control our characters) is a huge help to me. This particular issue is the main reason that 95% of my dropped threads end up dropped. And I always feel terrible when it happens, so please help me to get better at this.

- I can be slow sometimes (or often) with asks or replies. This usually happens because of my muse being fickle or me thinking a meme or ask prompt would be fun, however sometimes when I actually get them, my muse decides to just be like NOPE, or my depression kicks up and I lose all motivation. Also sometimes I tend to forget things, or leave stuff in my askbox to reply to later, and then I forget about it or get distracted. If this happens, I apologize. Please try to be understanding of this, since I will NEVER ignore you or your asks on purpose. (The only case where it would be ignored is if it is something stated in my rules that I cannot respond to, that you obviously failed to read or are attempting to do anyway.) I do reblog things with the INTENT to answer EVERYTHING that shows up in my inbox, however my intentions don’t always pan out.

Next topic of discussion.

Concerning OCs and shipping with them:

- I WILL NOT ship my muses with other OCs, unless they are extremely well developed. This is simply because unless I personally can form some form of an an emotional connection/understanding to/of a character, my own muse will be unable to do so as well.

- I am also very picky with RPing with other OCs, because of the same reason stated above. I will however roleplay with them sometimes, and do not in any way dislike them. I rather love OCs, and the diversity and color they bring to fandoms, and I actually have lots of OCs of my own for different fandoms, I just cannot always connect to them, and in those cases, I will not be able to roleplay with them. I apologize. HOWEVER. If possible, I will happily do platonic RPs with OCs that my muses happen to click with.The types of characters/OCs I am usually unable to roleplay with, are the following, which includes a list of reasons why.

- ★ OCs that are not connected to any fandom in particular/Multifandom OCs. Basically as I like to call them, floaters or drifters. I may attempt to roleplay with these. It can still be iffy, because my brain can sometimes make stuff more difficult than it actually is or needs to be, and it depends on each particular OC, but as I have recently been developing a few fandomless OCs myself, I find my understanding of them has grown a bit. That said, sometimes I need to be able to connect them with something, as each fandom has a specific world to them. I need a consistent, solid world anchor to be able to understand the character, which drifters don’t have, so I can struggle to RP with them. I’m willing to try though! I believe this issue is connected to my being autistic, since certain things my brain just refuses to understand unless it is worded a certain way or done a certain way.

- OCs from fandoms I am unfamiliar with. If I don’t know what sort of world/background your character comes from, it leaves me guessing too much and confused. I have attempted to roleplay with them anyway in the past and it just doesn’t work.

- ★ Self insert OCs. Really. Please just no. I cannot stand self inserts above all else other than Shipper OCs. Admittedly, there are a rare few good ones out there. (And those are fine). However those tend to be very few and far between, and 98% of them tend to fall into the not so good category to put it nicely, and I just.. I can’t do it. There is nothing else to say to this except just NO. I apologize for this, however I just can’t. Also, this applies to FULLY self inserts. This does not apply to characters that simply share some traits with you, as often we roleplay a character because we can connect to them somehow.

- Canon Genderbends (there are exceptions sometimes with these). This subject is a touchy one, since my mind is very rigid unfortunately when it comes to how I view them. This might stem from my own personal gender struggle (as I am trans and FtM), however genderbends have always been something I have a lot of issues with, and so 98% of the time, I will not RP with them because I have to fight my mind to reply. Temporary genderswap M!A’s however, when handled properly, are no issue for me, and in such cases I will happily roleplay with them.

- OCs with very little backstory and information, or with a confusing one, or even with none at all. In essence, poorly made OCs. I need info to RP with you. At least seriously. So sorry. I need to be able to understand your character at least a little, since I don’t do good with “lets play a guessing game” or “I literally have no idea what I’m doing” or “what the hell is going on” sort of RPs, and I have never been good at them, and so I need clear, concise information on your character.

- Shipper OCs. The type of character I hate more than any other. If you made your OC just so you could ship with a bunch of people and that is the only purpose for their existence, do not even talk to me, or approach my character. Don’t even try. I literally cannot stand these types, and they fall right up there with my hatred of self inserts. So sorry. But just no. This doesn’t mean I ship shame if your muse happens to end up in lots of ships. That’s fine. It happens. I know the feeling when muses just click with lots of other muses. Sometimes it’s like that. But if their ONLY purpose for existing, is just so you can ship with endless characters, please go away right now.

- Canonically unknown family member OCs. Whether it’s a sibling for my character or for someone else’s that was never mentioned in canon, I just can’t. (If you want to RP a family member of my character that I have mentioned in my character’s info, please ask me beforehand as I usually have an idea already of what their family member is like, but usually I will be okay with that as long as you ask me first before just going ahead and doing it.) I’ve never been able to RP with them, for a multitude of reasons, one of the main being they often end up reminding me of self inserts or genderbends. I have been unsuccessful at breaking this way of thinking towards them despite attempting to many times, and so I just cannot do it, personally. I am sorry.

Those are all the ones I can think of right now. I am very sorry to anyone who has one of these and wants to RP with me, however I simply cannot do it, personally. I’m sure there are plenty of other people out there though who would love to RP with you even though I cannot, and just because I will not RP with you doesn’t mean I dislike you or your character. I’d be happy to still be friends with you, I just won’t be able to RP with you. I’m someone who needs to be able to connect to the character I am roleplaying with on at least SOME level, for my character to be able to connect to them as well, so if I am unable to do that then I am unable to roleplay with them. (This can include as well, the WAY someone roleplays, since if there is no emotion or thought or description in replies, it gives me nothing to go on and connect to, and leaves me unable to respond, even if I WANT to RP with you.)

★ I hate to have to do this, however I have had A LOT of trouble with people not reading and following my rules in the past, and or speaking about or talking about/not tagging my major trigger, so if you have read my rules, please inbox or IM me with “Catshark”.  I ask this of people because it also helps a lot with my anxiety, and keeps me from wondering and worrying in the back of my mind if I might actually get triggered by something. I know it can be tedious to do this extra step, and I hate that I even had to add this step in the first place, however after years of roleplaying, and dealing with people, it became necessary due to several bad past experiences in tumblr fandoms. It was not added on a whim, so please take the time to do so.

There may be more added to this later if I think of something. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

[ghostliied]

i honestly like you and think you would make a good friend except that the constant complaining about getting no attention is so intimidating and discouraging and exhausting. if we became friends would i have to constantly reassure you that you're liked and your stuff is good? or would i always feel not good enough and like it's my job to make sure you don't delete because you feel like nobody cares anyway?

Hi Anon. Before I even remotely begin to attack you, (as I believe as a human I should), I will ask you this. Are you happy? Does it make you feel better that you got it off your chest? Yes? 

Well, here, let me tell you how pathetic and how much of a inconsiderate coward you are. But before I begin with even that. I want you to unfollow me. Block me. and if not. Well you know what, fine by me. But message me again on anon I’m going to ask somebody to log onto this blog to deal with you. 

I really REALLY, did not fucking deserve to read this. Not like this. Not how you said it. 

And I will tell you why.

Feel free to read. Or not. I don’t care. But this is going to be a psa for anybody else who wants to read anyway.

But I’m not going to make this dash suffer. I’ll put a read more. tag the triggers. and tell you of the warnings beforehand.

But before I do, please do fucking tell me. Are we mutuals? Do I follow you? Cause if I do. I don’t want to follow you. I don’t even care if I admire you at this point. I dont want to follow and admire somebody who says this. I dont even care if you have social anxiety or what have you. I did not deserve this. 

TW: drama, hate, unpopular opinion, swearing, caps lock.

First of all. Fuck you. You’re an asshole.

If you liked me, then you would wouldn’t have said this. Not like this. and definitely not under anon. 

another thing. If you like me. THEN YOU WOULD FUCKING KNOW THAT WHAT YOU JUST SAID IS WRONG AND 

IS A FUCKING ASSUMPTION.

Get the fuck out with your shitty assumptions.

I have an open communication policy for all of my FOLLOWERS. Not just mutuals. Do I have a preference over mutuals? yes. Of course I do. But that does not mean i ignore people. I have honestly never ever fucking done that and will continue TO NOT DO THAT. I dont even ignore the people I blacklist let alone try to cut off from my life. Do I stop talking to them? yea. But I dont fucking blatantly ignore people. even if they are assholes.

No you don’t like me. And if we were friends IF WE WERE FRIENDS 

You wouldn’t have to hear about complaining or whining or bitching. Are you in a server of mine? Am I in yours? Yes? No? maybe? WHO THE FUCK KNOWS!!!!  well. YOU DO APPARENTLY. cause you sent the fucking ask like a shitty coward. 

No, we wouldn’t be friends. Why would I want somebody like that.

Another thing. And you can ask anybody who talks to me. I don’t actively seek attention. I never EVER ask for reassurance. Now. Did I just go and show and tell two friends about you and what you said? Oh of course. why two friends and not like lets say other people I talk about? Because i only ever (semi)fully explained and ranted to two people about this issue and those two people only. Like I have people I talk to. I have talked to many people about our muses. I could name them right now honestly. but from all of those people. There are not many people that I go and physically go to and ask for help. I dont. That’s not who I am. I don’t complain and whine to a lot of people. I fangirl and scream happily to other people. 

But I never ever EVER bring negativity to my friends’ dms unless i trust them and/or explicitly ask them if i can rant to them.

Why? because THAT IS WHO I AM. I chose to suffer in silence. 

I dont have many irl friends. Especially not thought that I can trust to cry about. No. I have always been strong for others. Both irl and online. I can tell you the poeple who i trust enough to actually cry and be depressed to. And I can tell you that they can all be listed on one hand. But I can also tell you that even then. EVEN THEN I don’t tell them about even my WORST emotions that I have. 

I would tell you right now, but naw, you dont fucking deserve that. If I said it I would say ONLY to tell my followers. and maybe thats what you all need to fucking realise. That I’m fucking human. I’m not perfect. And behind this fucking computer I have to deal with the emotional struggle and abuse EVERY. SINGLE DAY. And I have been since high school.

I have a chronic cough from the stress I put myself through. because I internlise everything. and you think that me ‘crying’ about getting no attention is intimidating? well jesus fucking christ if thats the case then I cant even imagine how you would feel if I listed everything that has ever happened to me. No but that’s in the past. If I even tell you what stuggle I have to deal with RIGHT NOW, you would be like ‘shit man, okay maybe it’s not so bad that you’re complaining.’

I don’t go and look for professional help. I should but I can’t. I dont have the money.

But that’s not the fucking point now is it. Oh fuck no. ITS FUCKING NOT.

the PROBLEM IS THAT YOU FUCKING CAME TO MY INBOX. YOU CAME TO MY INBOX ON ANON. like the fucking coward you are. IT wouldn’t have been a problem if you came to me as a human. No. I have to post tis publically for everybody to see because thats waht YOU did.  and was even more terrifying is that I have a second anon asking about an IC thing and it makes me NOT want to answer it BECAUSE I feel like its you. But I know better. and I will happily take that other ask cause its a HC ask and I want to get to that. But no, I wont today BECAUSE OF YOU.

mOVING THE FUCK ALONG IN THIS HATE FUELED REPLY.

You think i would be good friend? You think? Lmao. LMAOOO Alright. Well feel free to ask the people i DO interact with and talk to. Anybody who is my friend would tell you that i AM a good friend. I mean well for those i care about and i put my heart in my sleeve for them. And honestly anybody who IS my friend has seen that i DO put in the effort to be active FOR them. You may not even see if cause i dont post it. But for my friends?? I give them content they deserve. I talk to somebody every single day about our muses. If you fucking asked me how much ive devoloped and plotted. I would give you 30 pages of shit for A SINGLE AU thay ive talked about.

I send asks to the people i care about. I also send asks every now and again to those who i dont talk to cause yea i do know what it feels like to not get asks. I may not be fucking active here. But its not that im not active. Its just that i see no motivation in it.

Its a fucking hassle and chore to refresh my dash to see nothing happening. Ive opened my ims and inbox for anybody to plot. Ive gone to countless people okay?? And I go to them to ask to send things or to reply to something. And okay i fucking get it. We are all busy.

Sometimes it takes a while to respond. But that’s not why I’m fucking angry. 

THATS NOT WHY IM PISSED.

When i fucking write for hours upon hours headcanons, drabbles, answers and asks. Just those alone. And to see that NOBODY says anything about it?

Somebody once told me. We are reciprocal creatures at heart. And even if we say we dont expect much response. It feels good to get a reaponse. Its nice to see that people are reading what you write and reacting to the things you make.

And holy shit there is only ONE person that i know of that actually reacts to what i post. Wait i take that back. I have TWO PEOPLE that react to what i post. That react to 90 percent of what i post. With an occasional third or fourth. But its THESE people that i talk to. That dint deserve me deleting my blog.

And its these people that will fucking tell you that i very rarely bitch and complain about not being wanted. Because it is THESE people that i spend my days plotting and going on about what if intereactions.

If you really wanted to know me and be my friend. You would realise that i simply just want to talk about my muses. I AM NOT ONE FOR SMALL TALK. Talking about feelings is hard for me.

Why I dont personally understand is HOW CAN A FEMALE OC LIKE MIMI GET BLATANTLY IGNORED. AND YET WHEN I GO TO A MALE MUSE??? EVERYBODY?? WANTS TO??? FUCKING??? INTERACT???

that’s not fucking fair. And if you honestly wanted to understand my point you wouldn’t come to be like the shitty little coward you are right now. You would ask why I feel that way. Why ANYBODY would feel that way. But naw. You directly attack me. I showed some friends this ask cause I was visibly upset and one of them literally said:

That is not how you address this issue.

If we became friends. IF WE FUCKING BECAME FRIENDS??

yOU WOULDN’T??? HAVE TO??? REASSURE ME OF ANYTHING????

what fucking drugs are you high on?Get the fuck out of here.

Any person who fucking knows me would know that i ALWAYS fucking PUT MYSELF OUT THERE FOR THEM. I have time and TIME AGAIN run to those who were upset and down. 

Get this fucking in your head right now anon.

I AM THE FUCKING ONE TO REASSURE PEOPLE.I DON’T LOOK OR ACTIVELY SEEK OUT REASSURANCE.

I already get my validation from the people I fucking care about. I got my validation yesterday when my submission was published. I get my validation from my FRIEND ON FUCKING DISCORD WHEN SHE MESSESGES ME EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Holy fucking shit I GOT MY VALIDATION THE DAY I MADE THIS FUCKING!!!! BLOG!!!! FROM A VETERAN OF THE RPC!!!!

I don’t need your fucking validation for fucking shit.

But again not the point.

and not the fucking point as to why I even remotely posted ANYTHING about how nobody pays attention to me.

But you know what. Here is my fucking 2 cents on this. I believe that a majority of the Pokemon RPC doesn’t give a damn about me BECAUSE NOBODY SAYS ANYTHING TO ME OTHERWISE.

Again I’m not talking about everybody. IM TALKING ABOUT THE FUCKING COMMUNITY. 

And I really REALLY don’t need to bring up names to fucking bring my case to point. it’s just fucking FACT. 

Me as a mun? honestly I don’t give a damn. Sometimes I kinda wish to remain anonymous or aloof. But Mimi? cause thats the point of me ever bringing up anything anyway?? Mimi????

She gets very VERY little traction. Course there’s a few interactions here and there. But I cannot say that I can ACTIVELY post some quality IC shit or HC shit every day CAUSE AGAIN i DON’T SEE ANY FUCKING POINT. 

A psa that I reblooged so fast one time furhter proves my point. 

I will link it here for your pathetic and lazy ass if you want.

don’t wanna click then here. allow me to EMPHASISE ON WHAT WAS SAID.

the way the rpc treats female muses & female ocs is DISGUSTING.

allow me to repeat it if I havent made it obvious. 

the way the rpc treats female muses & female ocs is 

D I S G U S T I N G.

THATS why i fucking posted anything.

I didn’t post to make people feel sorry for me. I made it a post to show you HOW FRUSTRATED I AM WITH THE FUCKING SHITTY COMMUNITY.

And allow me to reiterate. Its not the people in the community. IT IS THE FUCKING COMMUNITY IN GENERAL. It is what we make the community. 

And honestly im not trying to fucking attack anybody here. I just cannot stand what the RPC fucking is right now. 

And the fact that I’m pulling AT FUCKING TEETH to get any interaction is sad.

I don’t try to make myself fucking intimidating.

I said this to a friend as a rant this morning BEFORE YOU FUCKING SHOWED UP IN MY FUCKING INBOX. and I TOLD them i was ranting i wasn’t expecting anything aside from them to listen because i had to get it off my fucking chest.

dilectam Today at 09:59

so. can you tell me what the fuck im doig wrong then??? like people and their sorry fucking asses are like oh we are picky with OCs they have to be well developed and have a backstory and blah blah blah or something like I dont fllow or interact with OCs that have very little info on them and yet WHEN I FUCKING POST AND WRITE AND YELL ABOUT THIS FUCKING BITCH NOBODY LITERALLY NOBODY (except for like you and [redacted]) FUCKING SENDS ME ANYTHING. ITS LIKE I AM FUCKING TRYING TO PULL OUT TEETH WHEVER I REBLOG A MEME. I haven't gotten any asks iN WEEKS. like look at my fucking inbox.

[image of the THEN empty inbox]

NOTHING IVE BEEN STARING AT IT FOR DAYSnot done

dilectam Today at 10:00

And then when i go to try to do replies, which, of course i have some, I CANT FUCKING PULL OUT THE FUCKING MUSE CAUSE A: THE THREAD HAS BEEN FESTERING AND ITS OLDB: THE THREAD IS LONG AND I DONT WANT TO REPLY TO A LONG REPLY CAUSE HOLY FUCKING SHIT IM BURNT OUT I CANT WRITE.but no. I send asks. I send memes. I do dash comms. I do start calls. I do inbox calls. like

IshouldnotfuckingbebeggingTO GET FUCKING INTERACTIONS.

and then to make matters worse. [REDACTED BECAUSE PERSONAL INFO THAT IM NOT GOING TO FUCKING SHARE WITH YOU]. and when i WHEN I ASKED PEOPLE if i should do commissions you know what happened? nothing. just you liking it. I DIDNT FUCKING ASK IF I SHOULD DO FUCKING COMMISSIONS CAUSE ITS FUN. i hate asking people for money. I want to draw whenever i want for my friends whenever i want without taking their money.but no i get no replies.

and thenAND THENt make fucking matters worse.CAUSE IT GETS WORSE.

Mimi's birthday is coming up soon. and im honestly fucking terrified. I'm kinda starting to cry now about it. [redacted] I'm terrified that her birthday is gonna come and its gonna be like what happened on MY brithday even though i posted about it

I get fucking one ask that wishes her a happy birf.

I'm tired. like I have considered of deleted. not leaving. ACTUALLY DELETING the blog cause likeits fucking depressing and pathetic

sorry i'll stop now but i feel so undervalued and underapprciated i feel like I've i disappeared again, nobody would fcking message me or ask

wanna know why i fucking ranted? because f THIS FUCKING PICTURE.

What is this picture? THIS PICTURE REPRESENTS JUST THE HEADCANONS I HAVE FOR THIS BLOG that ARE LOCATED HERE.

27 pages.

single spaced

times new roman

font 12

wanna know who actually read them?

well aside from many of them having 0 notes.

THE SAME 3-5 PEOPLE LIKED THEM.

which honestly is fine. I don’t mind. But what I am not fucking comfortable with is the fact that aside from those people (only 2 of which i actively either ploit or interact with IC) I have nothing going for me. NOTHING.

Nobody comes in to ask about headcanons.

Nobody fucking asks about why mimi did what she did.

nobody even bothers with me.

and I say nobody losely because OF THE PEOPLE WHO ACTIVELY POST, THE PEOPLE SENDING ME THINGS ARE ACTUALLY PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT ACTIVE.

holy fucking shit its a plot twist.

Hahahaha fuck you anon. 

Another thing. If you knew me.

You know know i never EVER fucking delete. Even the blog where shit happened last year, I just abandoned. Why the fuck would I delete 27+ pages of good quality content. Nevermind the bio. the bio alone is 14 pages. 

But you had the NERVE to fucking say that youre scared of me deleting??? like its assholes like you that make me want to delete.

and honey. I would never say you’re not good enough. just talking to me about our muses is all i fucking ask. if anything YOU find yourself not good enough. and that’s fucking sad. because if I knew who you were. like if you actually took the time to sit down with me to talk to me like a human. You would realise that you are more than enough.

Another thing before I fucking end this rant. cause I jsut randomly got SUPER FUCKING ANGRY AGAIN.

You would have never sent this to my other 2 blogs. why? Because I wouldn’t have posted it on the other blogs. BECAUSE I DONT FIND THIS PROBLEM ON MY OTHER BLOGS. why? because they are both male blogs.

So get your misogynist ass out of here. Fucking trash.

[gruntadminloch-moved]

((I’m not ignoring you. I know it seems like it, but I haven’t ignored or forgotten you, some things just draw me more than others at one given time or another, okay?  I’m still very interested in the questions you sent me, I’m still very interested in the plot things we’re going to do,

but unfollowing and refollowing me just makes me anxious(especially since i ran out of anti-depressants/anti-anxiety meds and won’t be able to get more until the end of february and am slowly going back to whatever my mind was before i took pills)

Things you see my blog posting are 99% my queue. That includes memes.  I usually throw them in there thinking “by the time this posts I’ll have my shit together” and then I fucking don’t. and I stare at anything the meme gets me([un]fortunately not a lot usually) and my mind goes ‘ffffuuuuuu’

But I have problems with focus(never got meds for that, doctor insists I don’t have ADHD and that my depression/anxiety are just creating similar symptoms) and things keeping my interest over time.  I work a ten hour job that keeps me on my feet the whole time so I’m tired a lot.  I have chronic back pain and, something that may be of as surprise to you, a size K chest that makes it so that, honestly, anytime I’m awake I’m actually pretty damn tired(and it’s hard to breathe sometimes) (also, binding is impossible and does like nothing but I do it anyway for the sake of not getting dysphoric outside.)

I wanna respond to the cool things you send me with details and quality, which I don’t feel like I can deliver if I’m tired or my muse is just being kind of uncooperative.  I try and do little, dashboard-commentary-like things so my muse stays alert and functional and maybe it like sparks up real strong and I won’t feel as hiatus’d-out but.  Sometimes I can’t even do that.  And trust me I beat myself up over it all the time and I have a lot of things I need to do, irl and here, that executive dysfunction and chronic pain keep me from doing that I really want to do(or even HAVE to do.)

I appreciate your eagerness--hell I appreciate that you’re sticking by me even when sometimes anxiety says “don’t even open that message don’t look at them you need to actually do the thing they sent you before you can even talk to them don’t even think about it if you can’t deliver just don’t exist” and I go real quiet on you(and that’s with medication!)  I appreciate all the cool things you send me and that you send me stuff at all and that you’re following along on this adventure with my muses and everything.

But I really need patience from you.  From everyone, but I guess I’m most anxious over you when you occasionally follow and unfollow both of my accounts.  I have not forgotten you.  I have not forgotten your messages.  But some things are easier to respond to than others.

I didn’t go to work yesterday so I gave myself an extra day on my already three-day weekend.  I’m hoping the recharge will be good for me and I can knock out work in general in this extra time(because I did get a little bit done irl yesterday too which is good because having clan surroundings makes my rp life easier.)

Even if I don’t, I promise the things you send me are on my mind, I’m not ignoring or forgetting you, and I’ll get to them when muse cooperation and other stars align(which. . .makes it sound like a rare occurrence, but I mean that as in ‘sometimes i have no control over this, i’m waiting for it just like you.’)

(Also whenever I try and edit the longer thing you sent me, I’m a little stuck on how to handle the formatting because the way tumblr handles cuts is inconvenient as shit but that’s a minor thing that mostly just makes things hard for me to figure out without getting overwhelmed ksdjhfkjd)

But. Yeah. Just.  Please keep being patient  /o\  Trust me when I say, I’m waiting on me too.))

[orange-in-the-overcast]

Also all the hcs for my moonbeam

1. How does your muse feel about seafood?

It’s not a favorite food of hers, but she has nothing against it. She’s eaten it often enough.

2. What is their favorite piece of technology?

She thinks ships are quite interesting. She’d never gotten to be carried across the sea like that until recently, and it’s been a fun new experience.

3. When did they lose their virginity?

She hasn’t yet.

4. Was there anything their parents pushed them to do? (e.g. sports, theatre, band)

Her parents pretty much pushed her to do everything. Learn this instrument, Reyelle. Memorize these dances, Reyelle. Read these books, Reyelle. Sit like a proper lady, Reyelle. Mind your manners, Reyelle. Control yourself, Reyelle.

5. Describe your muse’s worst nightmare.

Being forced to go back to where she came from, or losing control.

6. What is a deal-breaker when it comes to dating someone?

Yelling/exploding at her or generally being abusive. Trying to dictate what she does.

7. What was the most embarrassing moment in your muse’s life?

She once ran out of a gala in tears while everyone there watched and whispered about her. She doesn’t like to talk about it.

8. What keeps your muse up at night?

The thought of being caught someday, the worry that she made the wrong decision, the fear of herself.

9. What chronic illnesses does your muse have, if any?

Again, if mental illness counts, then depression, anxiety, and PTSD.

10. Does your muse get carsick?

She’s been in carriages and on boats, and boats make her just a little nauseous, but otherwise she’s fine.

11. Does your muse wear glasses/contacts?

She wears glasses.

12. What are some warning signs that your muse is getting depressed?

She’ll get very quiet and retreat into herself. Her magic also tends to go a little haywire if she gets too emotional.

13. What is your muse’s favorite candy?

Anything chocolate is good with her, particularly white chocolate.

14. Does your muse have a “victory song” and if so, what is it?

If she knew modern music, it’d be Fight Song by Rachel Platten.

15. Who do they tend to bicker with the most?

She doesn’t really bicker with anyone. She’s a very peaceful, timid little moonbeam.

16. Has your muse ever been hospitalized or institutionalized?

Nope, never for either.

17. Does your muse pray, whether it be to a god or some other force?

She’s never been taught to pray to anything, and even if she had, at this point she wouldn’t believe there was any higher power looking out for her.

18. Has your muse ever lived in poverty?

Only recently has she had to face the concept of not having money in her name, but even then she’s never really been impoverished.

19. Do they have any distinct voice mannerisms? (e.g. saying ‘like’ or ‘um’ a lot, stutters)

She tends to fumble with her words quite a bit, as she’s just generally a nervous person. She also says “sorry” more often than she probably should.

20. Where are your muse’s ancestors from? Do they keep any of their traditions?

Reyelle comes from a very long line of very powerful, very wealthy moon elves. She knows little in the way of specifics about her ancestors, just that her family line is something she’s supposed to be proud of. Until very recently, she kept with all the traditions her parents forced upon her.

21. When did your muse learn about sex?

She knows very little about the concept of sex, apart from the fact that it’s what makes babies. She didn’t learn about it until she was well into her sixties (or her teens, in elf years).

22. What is your muse most thankful for?

Her freedom.

23. What shoe size is your muse?

Seven.

24. Does your muse hate their middle name? \ What is it?

Her middle name is Calista, and it’s very rarely used, so she doesn’t really have an opinion of it.

25. How many hours a day do they spend on the internet/watching TV?

She knows not what an internet or a TV is, but she likely wouldn’t spend much time on them anyway, even if she did. She prefers books.

26. Does your muse have any trophies?

None to speak of.

27. If your muse was given the opportunity to go sky diving, would they?

Probably not, unless the person going with her either a) didn’t tell her what skydiving was before they went, b) was Talia, or c) all of the above.

28. What is the most common lie your muse tells themselves?

“It was my fault. All of it was my fault. I’m a bad daughter. It was my fault.”

29. Has your muse ever had a pet? If so, what type?

She was never allowed pets, though she often tried to sneak them into her room, especially if they were stray cats. She was usually caught.

30. Who was your muse’s first kiss?

Talia. She stole it at the same time she stole Reyelle’s coin purse. And her heart.

31. What is your muse’s first memory?

She distinctly remembers the first time someone ever referred to her as “beautiful.” It was her mother, and Reyelle was still a very small child, dolled up so he parents could take her to a fancy party of some sort. Her mother said it like having a beautiful daughter was the proudest achievement of her life— a far cry from the way Reyelle was often called “beautiful” as she grew older.

32. How does your muse feel about crocs?

She would think they were rather odd and likely be curious about them, but otherwise have no opinion.

33. What are your muse’s biggest pet peeves?

She’s not fond of being referred to by any kind of title, not even something as simple as “Lady.” She also hates being interrupted, though she won’t fight anyone about it if they do. She’ll just go silent.

34. What was your muse’s happiest birthday?

It was so long ago she hardly remembers it now, but she was still a child at the time, still at an age when her parents spoiled her rotten. They gave her her first horse that birthday, and treated her like absolute royalty.

35. Does your muse cross their legs/ankles when they sit?

She crosses her legs like a good girl.

36. What simple task is your muse surprisingly bad at?

Standing up for herself, saying no to people.

37. Did your muse ever own a Tamagatchi?

She has no idea what that is but she would treat it like a real pet if she had one.

38. What was your muses’s first job?

She’s never had a job.

39. Does your muse usually go for truth or dare?

She’s never played, but if she did, truth. The concept of dares makes her anxious.

40. Has your muse ever been to a concert?

She’s seen live music performances before, and generally enjoyed them.

41. What is your muse’s favorite holiday?

She doesn’t really have a favorite. It used to be Candlenights when she was young, but all holidays have left a bitter taste in her mouth as she’s gotten older.

42. Does your muse reply to scary chain emails/messages?

They would absolutely terrify her and she would send them along without a second thought. She’s too trusting to question whether they’re real or not.

43. Describe the first person your muse remembers losing.

She’s never really lost anyone that she remembers.

44. Would your muse ever roleplay?

She doesn’t really know what that is, but she’d try it if Talia suggested it in the future. And then she’d get flustered and giggle and probably ruin the whole scenario.

45. What is your muse’s Hogwarts house?

Hufflepuff.

46. What is your muse’s first thought upon waking up?

“I wonder what I can find for breakfast this morning.”

47. Name a song your muse can sing every word to.

Fireflies by Owl City.

48. Who would your muse sacrifice themselves for, if anybody?

Talia, and honestly anyone else in their party. Also her best friend from home.

49. How long is your muse’s penis? || What bra size is your muse?

34A or thereabouts. She’s a smol.

50. If your muse could rid the world of one thing, what would it be?

Pain and suffering.

[roleplaybook]

WHY DO GHOSTS

I've made a previous post about ghosting, and I'm back at it — because that’s the main complaint I see from the roleplay community! I’d also like to touch on dealing with ghosts — ie., keeping your sanity in check when it happens — in a future post. Check out the ****ghost tag ****if you’d like to see everything I’ve written on the topic.

Without further ado,

Who Ghosts?

The truth is, most of us, at one point or another. Some of us are deeply ashamed chronic phantoms. Others are proud poltergeists. The shorter answer is this: anyone can be a ghost.

It happens, and sometimes it’s outside our control. This, however, seems to be the rarest form of ghosting, even if it’s the most understandable and one of the most legitimate reasons.

Hell, if you want to get really fuckin’ literal about it (and dark), one day, each and every one of us will “log off” for the last time. There’s a good chance you won’t know it’s your last time, so yeah — in theory, you’re probably going to “ghost” a couple people who won’t know what happened to you.

Hopefully not for a good, long time, though! So, who is more likely to ghost?

The Anxious

That is absolutely not to say anxiety is a red flag in the roleplay community. In fact, I think you would be very fuckin’ hard pressed to find a collaborative writer who doesn’t suffer from anxiety. Maybe this is part of the reason ghosting is so very prolific — but when anxiety is the root cause, the thought process tends to be something like this:

Oh, shit. It’s been a while since I replied, last. My writing partners muse be so tired of me. I should apologize, but I doubt my words mean anything at this point since it keeps happening. Is it awkward to just post, now? If I say something, are they gonna be mad at me?

Alternatively,

I have no idea how to reply to this, but they’re going to blow up at me if I ask them to edit their post — I just know it.

The Depressed

I just can’t scrounge up the energy. What’s another burned bridged? I’ll eventually lose their interest, anyway.

The Oft-Scorned

Yeah, no. Last time I told someone I’d lost interest in the plot, they stalked me across the Internet, doxxed me, threatened my life, and blew up my socials for a month. I’m just gonna dip. ✌

The Distracted

Didn’t I have a post I owed…? Wait, what’s this show? This is— ope, annnnd hyperfixated.

The Too-Kind

It doesn’t feel kind to be ghosted, and maybe it’s ultimately not kind — but these people really do have the best of intentions.

It’s gonna make her so sad if I tell her outright that her writing isn’t quite up to par with my standards. Better to just disappear.

The Oblivious

I’m guilty of this one.

Oh, shit — yeah, makes sense they’d check in. It’s been a while since I replied, last. I’ll let them know I am still totally interested in this plot. Because I am! I AM INTERESTED. I’ll totally reply, I just need a few more days to gather muse. I’ll definitely regain interest in this and it’ll be great.

AKA, some of us need to learn to tell when we’re lying to ourselves and stringing people along unintentionally.

The Takeaway

Ghosting reflects more on the ghost than on the ghostee.

If you’d like to read more about ghosting outside the collaborative writing context, check out this article from Psychology Today.

[shuvva]

Matt brainstorming stuff:

My two main challenges with Matt are 1) ‘why is everything I write for this kid so damn depressing and on the flipside how do I make him not an ~inspirational woobie~ without making him sarcastic/mean’, and 2) how do I write a character who is pretty much the opposite of my usual character archetype (loud angry obnoxious lesbian with an urge to wreck shit). The second part is kind of why I like him, though.

Kind of a mix of Sufjan Stevens + Owl City + Muse aesthetically. Earliest character inspiration was Matteo Alacran from The House of the Scorpion, whom he still has a…surprising number of parallels to despite the number of revamps he’s been though.

Early life: Was generally sickly as a child and got sick after being exposed  to an unvaccinated child and never really recovered. Met Nhu The Charismatic Trans Medical Experiment Wonder Child in the hospital and was later in her class in elementary school and they just sort of became BFFs after that.

Health issues are like asthma + other undefined chronic respiratory stuff + weak immune system. Also generally brainweird, but tends to be quieter about it that Ruma so he slips under the radar more. Has more pronounced anxiety and dissociation issues after escaping from Sulla, which are exacerbated by his powers.

Ruma is very 🗡🗡🗡 toward anyone who tries to hurt him

He and Ruma have a strained relationship for various reasons. They both have sort of built up these idealized versions of each other that they base their feelings toward each other off of when they really just need to sit down and talk. They finally get to reconcile in Act 3. Basically, they care about each other but have a lot of shit they need to work out before they really have a healthy relationship.

Ruma did do some legitimately shitty stuff to Matt as a teenager (lying to him about some important spoiler-y stuff + bailing on him) that he doesn’t 100% forgive her for. From her perspective, she thinks she was protecting him. I can see the eventual future discourse on this brewing from here.

In general he and Ruma remind me a lot of Dean and Sam from Supernatural, although I made them before I even knew about Supernatural so this wasn’t on purpose.

Chris Traeger from Parks and Rec (particularly when he gets neurotic or freaks out about stuff) is another one of my headcanons for him.

To change the subject: VOID POWERS. He can do stuff like phase into other people’s dreams, make dreams real to an extent, and make people selectively not notice things. (Explanation: People only notice a fraction of what they perceive, and remember only a fraction of that they notice. You’d get completely overloaded and be unable to process anything otherwise. Matt’s power lets him obscure information by making people less likely to notice and therefore remember it).

It’s pretty similar to the Man in the Tan Jacket from WTNV

Mind control doesn’t work on him. You try to mind-meld with him, you just get…static. I haven’t decided if he could mind-meld with someone if he wanted to and could turn his powers off, or if he’s just straight-up incapable of it. But yeah, he’s not telepathic as a side effect of this.

More advanced applications of his powers: selectively shorting out cameras, summoning rifts to phase himself into, creating a sort of void cloud that extends his powers to anything in about a 10 foot radius. Also has telekinesis. This becomes important later on.

Might be able to project himself through rifts for a couple of seconds. (sort of like Lilith from Borderlands’ phasewalk ability) Haven’t decided whether he can interact with people/objects while projecting or whether it’s more of a ghost-type situation.

I think Ruma and Nhu are kind of desensitized to his powers since they’re around him the most. That would be a handy way to explain their general resilience to daemon powers. (Especially for Nhu, since I have other explanations for Ruma. For Nhu I just have…she’s an ADHD bonehead which makes her super inconvenient if not impossible to mind-control. Ruma’s explanation is that she will mentally kick you to the curb if you try to mind-control her)

In case it wasn’t obvious, people like Kaunya and Sulla are literally drooling to get their hands on someone or something (there’s not much of a difference to them) with Matt’s powers. That’s why they’re after him. Other people are after him for their own reasons as well and Matt is pretty sick and tired of it. He can use his powers to evade them, but it gets exhausting after a while, and he doesn’t have a lot of extra physical or mental energy to keep that up.

Also, idea I just had, K + S wanting to his dream powers to basically keep people in induced comas. Not something that Matt would ever consent to, though.

Danza’s essentially his guardian angel. His shitty obnoxious guardian angel who keeps saving his ass and is probably working for someone but I can’t say who or why. Their dynamic amuses me but I don’t really condone shipping it. Danza’s mean and Matt needs emotional support and Danza’s not interested. Brynnza’s a better ship anyways.

Probably eats relatively healthily but also eats a lot of sugar and Starbucks and shit.

I have had Matt as a character for over 10 years and I am just NOW realizing that he’s bi and probably wears gold jewelry. I attribute this delay to me being a fool and a coward.

[suedrawl]

[[more]] i've been doing a bit of soul-searching/musing as to why I've struggled for the past few years (or I argue my entire 'career') why it's so dang hard to draw. It's unique for every artist, I think. And a mix of a variety of factors. I'm hoping that writing this out and maybe getting opinions/what have you will help me out. Some of this i'm already clearly aware of. Some I'm just now realizing that it's NOT my fault. and some t hints i'm still guessing on/figuring out. also another preface: i'm not necessarily unique in any of these problems. others struggle as well in this. hopefully this isn't read the wrong way by friends (if you do read this, no pressure if this is too long/boring/etc). the first one that comes to my head is obviously health. I also think this is the main and overarching reason why i struggle. When you mix the variety of chronic illnesses i have, some might argue how i can draw at all? the main reason I push on anyway is out of pure spite/stubbornness (and a lot of fear). Depression makes me disinterested and impassive. Also it causes me to stress out and give up easily--I'm too hard on myself in general, but the depression multiplies that sensation. The adhd causes obviously--attention issues. I can't focus, jump from one task to the next, or even can hyperfocus in an unhealthy pattern on things when i should be drawing. i often choose mundane things that won't require a lot of brain power (farming in a MMO, organizing my pencil box, etc). I think this is sorta a mix between the depression and adhd? idk, still need to research that. And finally, fibromyalgia and my sleeping disorder. This is more obvious and physical. I'm not sure what you guys know about fibromyalgia, but the closest thing i can describe it to is a weird mix between the flu and arthritis with a touch of sensory issues. it's a really weird syndrome so I'll get to the point than ramble on that. It causes me physical pain to draw longer than 20 minutes or so on 'flare' days. then mix in my mysterious sleeping issue (though really it's very much linked to things like depression and the fibro), and i will randomly have sleep attacks. It's kind of scary because i don't want to accidentally associate myself subconsciously to when art happens=time to sleep! yikes. I do also have an anxiety disorder, but I still don't know how severe or how exactly it affects me beyond basic symptoms. But I'll also get back to that in a moment. this isn't to say i'm trying to find excuses. I'm human. I make mistakes, screw up, so forth. I am bad with procrastination, keeping promises/goals, and can generally just be lazy. but I can only take that so far when the evidence is so strong and contrary to what i once believed, you know? This goes back to being a child. It started with my parents fussing (getting borderline emotionally and verbally abusive) that i couldn't focus or finish projects. they ignored a doctor's warning abut health issues (primarily the adhd) and then I started to treat myself badly (though i think my personality has always been hard on myself. it's just a trait). i would beat myself up, punish, and generally make the situation worse without my knowledge of that. I just genuinely, truly believed, that everyone else was akin to my state of being and i was being hugely lazy. that thinking really poisoned and close to ruined myself forever. not quite, but i think it came really close to destroying any hope to me being a functional professional artist. this comes back to the anxiety i think too? but it was a very secretive trait. I remember sometimes having esteem or confidence--but often something would go awry and i'd immediately blame myself. i'd think I was overconfident or egotistical, and i deserved the failing. not a good way to look at things, you know? but that's how i was raised. (honestly, thank god for websites like dA, BZP, and other places that nurtured me in my isolated and bubbled environment. nothing is perfect, but still, it did a lot for me and i would not be the artist i am today without all of y'all and those communities.) but i was (and still am a bit) so stubborn to keep drawing. I knew one thing only that was true, and everything else fell to the self-doubt and fear: I was GOING to be an artist. The pursuit would never end. Taking art away from me would also take my soul. No art felt like not breathing for me. The act of creating things from colours, shapes, and lines was all that gave me a sense of fulfillment. anything else was purely an illusion in a distorted world. I might not be exactly good at the art of drawing and painting, but it felt like where I needed to be, and everything would eventually fall into place. (though i often blamed art for my problems too, though that's another subject for another day) that's all in the past though. it shaped me to be who i am today, and that is that. I shouldn't forget, and it explains a bunch of things for the present, but it will not shape my future and nor should overthink it or not be able to move on. that's a lot hard to say than do though. One final thing, and for awhile I fell into the trap of blaming myself. but i realized this is likely linked to my health too. maybe not fully, because i have proven otherwise, but the fact remains. I lack ideas. I can draw. but what about the story? the subject matter? themes? All of that. my art lacks depth. sure, i can draw a character standing there, or simple scenery, or a random headshot--but if it doesn't connect to the viewer, then what's the point? I mean, everything has a place as some point. And there's nothing wrong with just randomly drawing sometimes. but if i want to get anywhere, I have to start using completed ideas. but the it circles back to my health. when you're so exhausted, depressed, anxious, and physically aching--can you blame anyone for not pushing through with projects and ideas? that takes brainpower and spoons. and with limited resources, you do what you have to do. you begin to portion the little you have. it's clearly not enough for any category, but it's all you have. so you push onward, feeling lifeless and incomplete in eveyrthing. but it's all you have. so what the hell do i do? especially if the health problems are persistent. I'm always going to have these. i guess the only hope is they will become less severe. it's been so long, if ever, that i've been without health problems and a functional brain/body. is there any hope for me?

[shadowpyxy]

Rambling Musings 2019-1

Welp. Happy New Year, y’all. A quick update below the cut for those interested. Mostly quick, anyway.

*

*

Divorce is final. Sucks, mostly. By the end of the process, I was more than ready for my ex to get out of my house. As the months and days dragged on, it became more and more obvious that our priorities were no longer in sync. The longer she’s gone, the more I wonder if we ever were truly on the same page. At the same time, we are actually rebuilding our friendship, which took a few hits before she moved out.

Therapy is going well. Mostly. (Lots of my life right now is “mostly.”) I have a good therapist who helped me through the divorce. Now we see if she’s able to help with trauma. If not, no harm/no foul. I’ll find another therapist that is experienced with trauma and keep plugging along. Still not sleeping well, although my mood and anxiety meds are working alright. I see my doc and my psych this week, and I’ll bring up going back on gabapentin at night to help with the insomnia.

Kids are doing fine. Homeschooling is still bloody fucking hit and miss; we are making progress. Kids’ therapist might just need a swift kick in the pants, though. Apparently, I am the person responsible for making sure my (adult) children stay on task and keep their shit together. HELLO!! I can’t even keep my shit together. I don’t know how the fuck I’m supposed to keep their shit straight. smh

And it’s not because they aren’t trying. We have a plethora of chronic mental illnesses in the household with spikes of acute symptoms. PTSD, depression, anxiety, autism spectrum (and all that it entails)... These are not anything to sneeze at; they can’t simply be dismissed or pushed aside. They have to be worked through, coping skills learned (and relearned), etc. We literally have to relearn basic life skills when shit hits the fan. And being homeless qualifies, even 2+ years later. Throw in the US government shutdown over that stupid ass wall, and I get thrown for a loop which throws the kids for a loop. We rely on the VA, food stamps, medicaid, and housing. Without those.... Whoops, back on the street with no where to turn we go.

On the physical health front, I’ve been diagnosed with irritable bowel syndrome. Good news is I know my triggers, and (mostly) how much of what I can eat vs not eat. Wheat happens to be a biggie on the trigger scale. (Yay me.) Which is so much fun when poor and/or with a weakness for pastries. I’m starting physical therapy for knee and lower back pain in April. If the pain and limited range of motion remain, right now I use braces on both knees (especially in the cold), I’ll apply for disability.

Formal work is still a no-go. For some reason, I doubt anyone will hire an overweight middle aged woman with a penchant for not taking anyone’s shit and gives no fucks. /sarcasm Especially when that penchant manifests as threats of bodily harm and death to customers, peers, and supervisors should they wax particularly asinine. Seriously. When my PTSD is in hypervigilant mode, I yell obscenities and threats at stupid ass drivers who blow red lights, cut too close to me or the kids in crosswalks, yell out their windows or lay on their horns to watch us jump, etc. Which in Albuquerque, NM is about 40-60% of drivers, depending on the day. My sister won’t let me borrow her baseball bat, either. She says we don’t have bail money (not wrong). *le sigh* ;)

Found my old notes for Dragon Age and FFXIII/HopuRai stories in a box that had been sitting in my closet for who knows how long. I’m also getting back into game development. Writing mojo is hopefully making a resurgence. I’ve missed it.

Anyway, that’s about it. I will continue to reblog political, creative, and just plain cute/cool posts. I hope to have something new on the fanfic front within the next few months.

Thanks for staying with me. Ciao. :) <3