#anyway just ignore me this is probably all about my own issues and values

[workingforitallthetime]

i would just like to note that today the athletic completely confirmed my theory that the bedard family parenting style is letting connor drive the bus. ("How does a parent handle that? By letting the kid lead, of course.") especially fascinating to me in light of connor earegood's article underscoring the extremely different fantilli family parenting style.

[miraculouslbcnreactions]

Having the statue scene be what caused Adrien to fall in love with Marinette feel like one of many spite moves from Astruc. Like once again, he saw how much people hated that scene but instead of addressing the criticisms he instead just point blank tries to force us to like the scene.

I'd go with arrogance over spite. I don't know much about the man, but the quotes I've seen and my limited knowledge of the industry are why my standard take is that he and the writing staff are genuinely trying to tell a good story. While we think they're failing at it, they don't. They think it's good. You're not going to sway me to their point of view, but I do understand how they could get into that mindset.

It's incredibly rare to get professional writers who want to punish the audience. It's incredibly common to get writers who are so far up their own ass that they think they shit gold and anyone who disagrees is just a hater who can't understand their vision. While that viewpoint isn't ideal, it's not a terrible trait for a creative. You're unlikely to succeed in a creative field if you can't get into some version of that mindset.

Speaking as a writer, if you want to succeed in a creative field, then you do genuinely need to be your own biggest fan and learn to ignore criticism. Not because you're above criticism, but because:

Issue 1: A lot of people struggle with the difference between personal taste and actual flaws, leading to some really shitty "criticism". That doesn't mean that it's bad to talk about a thing in terms of personal taste, it just means that your criticisms maybe be highly subjective opinions and not objective flaws that the creator needs to know about. It's why things like book reviews are for the audience and not the author. I know people who have found great reads based on negative reviews because those reviews talked about the book in question in an objective enough way for those people to realize it had things that they loved. That means that those were excellent reviews, they let people know if they'd like the book or not, which is what a review is meant to do! It also means that the reviews were pretty worthless to the authors because there was nothing that needed changing. It was all a matter of personal taste.

Issue 2: Taking point one a step further: more objective, "good" criticism isn't necessarily valuable to a creator. Sometimes creators are willing to include "flaws" because their creation doesn't fit their vision without those "flaws". Creators can get away with that because different audiences will care about different things and you're never going to be able to appeal to everyone. This is not the greatest example, but I think it gets my point across, so I'll use it here anyway. As someone who prefers reasonably healthy couples, if I were to read a story with an awful romance, then I'd probably hate it and have very clear, logical reasons why. But if the author is totally aware that the couple is awful and needed them to be such for the story they wanted to tell? Then my critique has no value to them. It's why good critique is so hard to get and give. Good critique is not about shaping a story into what you'd call good, it's about shaping the story the writer wants to tell into its best form. It's super hard, but also fun and a good learning experience.

Issue 3: A lot of criticism is highly situational and public feedback will only ever come after a work is done and available to the public. That makes it questionable how much value you'd get from reading feedback at that point. For an ongoing work where only a part is done, you might get something useful, but for a finished one? It's questionable if there's any point in reading negative comments. For example, I've received unsolicited critical feedback on fics that are several years old. I have no idea what the goal of those comments is. Even if I agree with them, I'm not going to rewrite the fic for them. I even asked one of them what their goal was and they couldn't tell me. They just wanted me to know and the button said "comments" not "positive comments."

Issue 4: You're never going to be perfect, so even a great work will have flaws, but it's unhealthy to dwell on them. Listening to a thousand people point out what you got wrong is not going to help anyone improve. That's why good creatives are open to feedback, but they tend to have a select group that they go to for feedback during the creative process. They then ignore most other feedback. In most cases, that is the healthy way to approach the creative process. It's why I don't agree with those who complain about someone blocking critics on twitter. Block and move on isn't just advice for the plebs. Successful creatives are allowed to prioritize their mental health, too.

Of course, there is a double edged sword in action here. Because creatives need to be their own fans and develop that ability to ignore criticism, they are always at risk of forming echo chambers that lead them to create lesser works because everyone in their core team thinks the same way they do. They may not even have a core team! It takes a lot of humility and luck to find people who give you good feedback.

The echo chamber issue is especially true when creatives are successful as it's hard to want to change when you're making money off of whatever crap you put out. Once you reach a certain level of success, there will be a whole lot less push back on your terrible ideas. If it's going to make money either way, then why worry if it's total crap? (This is a major problem in the publishing industry, btw. People with large social media followings can get a book deal with relative ease and publish almost anything they want because the publisher knows it will sell and it's not their name that's going to be looked down on.)

Generally speaking, this is what I think happened with Miraculous. The show is incredibly successful so there's no reason to listen to criticism or expand the creative team. Until the show stops making money, it doesn't matter how bad it is, so there's no reason for the writers to question if they've become blind to their own flaws. And by the time the show goes too far and stops making money? It will probably be too late to fix the problems so the show will just die. That's just how this trend works.

In summary, I would not be shocked if the writers genuinely think they're writing wonderful stories and that the critics just can't see it because we're the spiteful ones, not them. People can develop really weird standards for what is good, especially when they're immersed in the industry. For example, it's not like Disney wanted to ruin the Star Wars brand or have their 100th anniversary film - Wish - be universally panned. Studios want to make money. Writers want to tell stories people like. Spite it's rarely the answer when they fail to do those things.

The one caveat I will give to the above is if you're referring to the kind of spiteful arrogance where someone creates a thing, people criticize said thing, and so the person makes more of said thing in retaliation because that's 100% spite. But it's not the kind of spite where they're making a thing bad on purpose. It's them saying, "no, this was good and I'm gonna make more of it because you're wrong and I'm right." People do that shit all the time and, once again, it's not an inherently bad thing. Like all emotions, spite is a neutral force and a powerful motivator. It can lead to great things and terrible things. I can think of spite projects that were wildly successful and spite projects that totally flopped. (Relevant Tumblr post)

If that's the argument you're making when you say "spite", then I could totally see the statue scene choice happening because the writers heard people dunking on it and they went, "No, you're wrong, that scene was awesome! In fact, to show you how awesome, we're going to have that be when Adrien's crush started!" Spite? Yes. Ruining the show on purpose to get back at haters? No.

[scoobydoodean]

i’d like you to know you’ve made me much more of a bitter deangirl when it comes to the trap. like i still love the idea of it, of them reconnecting in purgatory of all places, and i still like the idea of lots of what dean says re: should’ve asked cas to stay and i forgive you and talking *about* his anger, but… dean had a right to be angry, including at cas. and yeah it’s good that dean apologized, for the sake of healthy communication cause that’s what you do when you’ve said hurtful things in an argument regardless of who’s “right”, but cas also should’ve apologized again. in fact, i can’t remember so i could be completely misremembering, but does cas ever actually apologize to dean beyond expressing the sentiment of feeling bad that mary died?

and i’m also thinking about the conversation they have before being separated. i like the angst of cas’s line re: i left but you didn’t stop me, but again, dean was not the only one in that argument. to leave was very much cas’s choice, and it feels kinda unfair to put that on dean, regardless of whether dean saying smth would’ve actually gotten cas to stay (which, to dean, probably would’ve seemed unlikely given cas’s past habits). and also, cas saying dean couldn’t move on, that’s actually fucking heartbreaking and almost… cruel. iirc it’d been at most a couple weeks since his mom (his mom!) had been killed!! plus dean never got to say goodbye, again!! of course he couldn’t just move on!

idk idk… anyway i believe i’ve sent an ask about your opinions on the trap before lol, and sorry about this long ass message, but i recently saw a gifset about that conversation (before being attacked) and all the notes were like ‘yes cas you tell him!’ ‘dean needed to hear that!’ ‘finally got dean’s head out of his ass!’ and it kinda made me annoyed for dean which. brainrot. but whatever. bitter deangirls unite, dean deserves the support 😭😭

context

LMAO sorry for my tumblr arc culminating in me turning full bitter deangirl ig and taking some of you down with me (I'm not sorry actually I'm having a ball in this bitch).

Cas's attempts at apologies are cataloged here. So he does try to apologize. But how many times has Cas been "sorry" only to do the thing he apologized for again? I mean the fact that he keeps "apologizing" for lack of communication and unilateral decisions over things that impact other people besides him and secret deals that blow up in all of their faces over and over and over and over shows that he is... not actually that sorry? Because if you're actually sorry, you actually change your behavior. Except Cas thinks "getting a win" (while actively digging a deeper hole in his relationship with Dean) is the way to "apologize" and make everything better instead of just... changing his behavior. And whatever his latest big plan to fix everything is never works and instead actively makes his relationships and his own self esteem worse. From the outside perspective, what Cas is doing (apologizing then doing the thing he just apologized for again) is just kind of... the ultimate way of telling a person you claim to love that their feelings actually have very little value to you. I mean Cas would be horrified by the idea that he doesn't actually value Dean's feelings, but what conclusion is Dean supposed to come to? Is it any wonder that Dean is perpetually confused about what exactly Cas thinks of their relationship? Is it any wonder that he reached a point where he couldn't stand to hear one more of Cas's meaningless apologies? To maintain any semblance of a relationship with Cas, Dean has to focus on what he feels about Cas's intentions (intentions Dean has always had faith in being good) but that faith and care increasingly forces him to ignore aspects of their relationship that are deeply hurtful because Cas refuses to do his part in addressing their issues in any meaningful way. It's just a vicious cycle of Dean trying to communicate that their lack of communication is upsetting and Cas pretending to listen and apologizing but clearly not actually listening or understanding the gravity of the situation and how it is slowly building a rift between them over years (with perhaps the most striking and hurtful example being The Future) until the secret over soulless Jack becomes "the straw that broke the camel's back" and Dean absolutely explodes at the end of season 14... and then... still... Cas's secrets remain—to the bitter fucking end.

Also yeah tbh Cas's "I left but you didn't stop me" makes my eyes roll so hard. Painfully stupid dialogue with unpleasant (though likely unintentional) implications (as linked in thread above).

[laventadorn]

Hi. Me again. In canon Umbridge finds out about Dumbledore's Army/Defense Club due to Umbridge giving Marietta Edgecombe (I think that was her name), Cho's friend, truth serum. But, I was speculating the nuance of actual betrayal, and forcing the younger generation to re-asses their house biases. Like, maybe b/c of the presence of a Slytherine, people just assume the worst of them. Harriet defends them. Only, for it to be a fellow Gryffindor, or Hufflepuff, or Ravenclaw who sells them out to Umbridge. Whether you go there or not in your fanfic, I was just curious about what you think of the nuance of the positive/negative extremes of ALL the houses. I think it was confirmed Umbridge was in fact in Hufflepuff, which shows the fine line between loyalty and fanaticism. Pettigrew was Gryffindor; the fine line between bravery and ego. Ravenclaw can probably be so practical that they sometimes don't think about people's feelings. And through Snape (especially the way you write him ; chef's kiss) we see the nuance of Slytherine. And since you're keeping Cedric, I hope we get more POVs (however brief they may be) of the other house characters. I LOVE that you're expanding Harriet's circle of friends, slowly but surely. Hermione and Ron will always be her closest friends. But, I loved how we saw Cho, and even Fleur in 4th yr, Asteria - I hope we see more Millicent - so, I look forward to more of that goodness. I think that's one of the reasons why I keep coming back to your fics for re-reads. You've added nuance that I felt was lacking in canon. Anyway, thank you for writing such a beautiful story.

hello again! someone once said "JKR divided the human race into four groups and then ignored two of them," which i think is pretty accurate... and the older i get, the sillier the whole house system seems. my brain is not operating at its peak today, so some of this might be garbled nonsense or just repeating the obvious, but:

to me, the houses don't have any inherent value as a means of determining character. i think it would be more accurate to say that people are sorted based on how they want to appear to others or how they think of themselves. this isn't a bad thing per se -- i think it's neutral and natural. it might not even be conscious, especially when they're young.

we can read harry's experience this way, for example. dumbledore says "it's our choices that determine who we are" and cites the example of harry turning down slytherin and choosing gryffindor, but i would argue this is not because slytherin is inherently evil or gryffindor inherently good; harry made his choice based on how the houses were described to him. the sorting hat frames it differently than hagrid did (slytherin is the "way to greatness" vs. the bad people house). harry doesn't want to be bad*, so he just says "not the bad people house" until the sorting hat gives up. it's more like the house system reinforces beliefs or biases because you get 4 separate groups who establish what behavior is "the best," and then what could have been a minor inclination (or even a major one) gets reinforced into something bigger. hufflepuff seems to have the least issue with this, as helga is described in one of the songs as "tak[ing] all the rest," i.e. the kids that didn't sort into the other three houses with their prized qualities of courage, intelligence, and ambition. a person doesn't have to be smart to get into ravenclaw, they just have to prize intelligence (or want to be perceived as wise or intelligent). in her mind, umbridge could believe that she is very loyal to traditional wizard values, but in reality, she's just a sadist who loves control (fanaticism). peter probably wanted to be seen as brave because he was scared of everything all the time -- but then he wasn't actually brave, and this could've reinforced his inferiority, especially adding in james and sirius' bullying behavior and his own clearly mixed admiration and resentment.

idk, i'd like harriet to just realize the house system is so deeply flawed and largely based on pure perception as to be inherently meaningless. maybe she doesn't make a big platform out of it, but she's already pretty much decided this on a subconscious level from her interactions with asteria and snape. so if someone were to ask her, she'd say, "i dunno, it doesn't really seem to matter. just do what you think is right."

and: thank you! c:

ETA:

*it could be argued that harry doesn't want to go to the bad people house because the dursleys have always labeled him as a nasty, rotten boy etc. and he doesn't want to wind up in that position in the wizarding world. (plus, what child wants to be seen that way?) then he meets malfoy, who makes him feel small, and this reinforces his No Slytherin point of view. these are very child-appropriate concerns, so i'm not saying this is narrow-minded of the text; it feels quite honest, really. of course, this is just about Not Slytherin; the Hat puts harry in gryffindor based on what it senses in his personality. so maybe i'm undermining my own point :)

[wisteria-lodge]

snake primary + neutral snake secondary

Hello. I decided to write this according to the list you gave. I have a huge struggle with my primary. I guess it is burned, but I don’t know what it is, or I don’t want to see it because that hurts my ego if it sounds completely fake or in some way empty, or I just don’t vibe with it. Which I understand is an issue in itself. 

An interesting issue. You don’t want a primary assigned to you because you’re worried it’ll sound fake? I’ll keep an eye on that. 

For my secondary I guess it is just straight up a lion, mostly being off or burned, burned badger or bird. I definitely use pre-made personas in social or stressful situations, but I prepare so little that I could be anyone. 

This sounds like Burnt Bird secondary “I do the Bird secondary thing, but not very well.” Or possibly a Bird secondary model that you wish you didn’t have to use. 

Before I have to tell you even if I don’t have clinical depression or a diagnosis, I don’t feel happy, and it probably shows. I am someone who cries every time they see Everything Everywhere All At Once, which at this point probably tells a lot about a person. 

… it tells me that you’re very probably neurodivergent. Very possibly ADHD, but I don’t like to diagnose in these things. (Not actually possible anyway.) 

Also, heads up for my English, it is nowhere near perfect or fluent, so there might be some annoying mistakes, even though I know you don’t point it out to people. I ran it through a grammar check, but I have little doubt I missed something.

1.

Sometimes I wish I’d care more about other people, about strangers, but I don’t care much naturally, and it becomes even more pronounced when I am stressed or having to spend a lot of my energy outside myself. Then, that gaze towards outside shuts down, and I stop focusing and giving attention to other people.

You’re not naturally a Badger, taking meaning and energy from the community. Snake is absolutely possible, especially with the way Snakes will focus very intensely on their own bodies when they haven’t got a lot of extra energy to spare. Like, sure you’d like to do more, and doing more makes you feel like a good person, but that’s extra.

A co-worker could be talking about their accident and what happened to their family, and I would stare blindly and think to myself they are trying to get sympathy and I would not budge at this point. While more normally I would give them it, even if I didn’t feel sorry for them. 

You might also just be low empathy, which is… just kind of a neutral thing. I’m low empathy. A lot of people actually find it comforting that they can be upset around me without getting doubly stressed that they’re making my day worse. 

After all, some emotional work needs to be put into maintaining relationships and keeping it alive.

True. And the way you just kind of put that out there as a kind of ‘Rule to Live By’ is actually making me think Bird primary is possible... or a Bird primary model over a burnt primary?

2. 

As a kid I was timid, afraid to explore town, thinking someone will come and say I can’t walk there. I was never peaceful, but I followed my mother’s advice to ignore bullies and don’t give them attention. Jokes on me – I never learned how to fight and argue. I remember myself hot headed, attention seeking, trying to talk with others, even making up lies or cutting bangs by myself just so people notice me. But I was always careful not to make trouble for my mother, be safe, get no injuries, clothes fine and without a rip. 

I’m leaning more Snake primary for you. Your mother is clearly a very important figure in your life, and what she thinks and values is important, because she thinks it. You ignore bullies, don’t wander, and don’t get in trouble because your Mom told you not to… but there’s still this undercurrent of but I would have liked to. In fact, the way you behave for your mom seems to be very at odds with the “attention seeking” “hot-headed” “notice-me” behavior from the rest of your life. I’m considering Snake secondary (because of the different faces for differnt people) or Lion/Burnt Lion secondary (because you would have liked learning how to fight and argue.) 

I was obsessed with Three Musketeers, friendship and finding connection. I would focus on a small group of people or even one person and hold onto it. It started getting really hard time when I had no friends whatever. That pushed me into survival mode and made me quiet and thoughtful.

This focus on small groups of friends is making me really lean Snake primary. (Also, if you’re a Snake Lion, then The Three Musketeers would be *the* perfect media for you.) 

3. 

I think I solve low-stakes problems with something that looks like a snake or rapid fire bird.  I think if I can and have someone close I can call for help, I will. Once in the dorms my European windows fall off the hinges, I couldn’t close it or put it back. I could have definitely done it myself with more time and more focusing and seeing how things work. But I had a friend living there next to me, so I asked them to come. Not that they knew more about windows than I did, but as out both room windows were similar in age maybe they would have a similar issue and know what to do. I don’t think they did, but it was fun and I wish I could do it more - meeting life with your friends and not alone, that’s why I called them. Administration would have been the last resort, they were pretty meh. I think we just ended looking around and putting it back in somehow, just trying to close it in different ways. I was always careful with it after that.

That’s lovely. And… weirdly I think I’m going to put this in for primary, for that whole “meeting life not alone” thing. That’s bigger than just problem solving, that’s getting into why you do things at all. 

The actual problem solving seems to be “lets compare the broken window to a similar, not-broken window and see what’s wrong.” There’s a *little* I Know A Guy bird in this ‘who specifically do I know who would be able to solve this problem.’ But I could honestly see coming from any secondary. 

4. 

In high-stake situations, the most important thing to me is reaching a mental space where I am stable, looking around without panic. That’s why sometimes, instead of pulling an all-nighter before an exam I turned on a movie. I just couldn’t deal with the stress and said bye lol. I didn’t do it all the time, I also studied a lot, alone and with friends, although I cannot say where studying or the movie was more useful. I personally would say in high-stakes situations it’s most critical to try to calm down and manage my stress and anxiety. 

This is making me say Improvisational secondary (Lion or Snake.) Extra preparation isn’t going to comfort you, it’s going to mess you up. You’re not a Bird or Badger, who’ll get stressed out if they don’t read their notes over one more time. You want the mental space and agility to correctly read and correctly respond to the situation, and so you’re giving yourself the best chance for that.

I had experience with bad roommates so in dorms I wanted to live alone, not bother or bothering someone. While this opinion wasn’t allowed legally in our college, students would bribe administrator. I hate bribing, giving chocolate for literally noticing me in someone’s place (it’s a bribe older generation does here while asking employees for something they think is a favor, but it’s kind of their job; why don’t we just stop being assholes to each other instead? I am not sure other parts of the world does this so hence the explanation). 

It’s interesting. You’re describing bribing, like - yeah you’re breaking the rules… but everyone does it, and everyone knows everyone does it, and to some degree you’re even expected to do it. But even though it’s kind of normal, it still bothers you. And this would bother a Lion secondary (who love to be straightforward and honest) more than it would bother a Snake (who might not even think of giving an administrator a “”gift”” as a bribe.) 

As I mentioned earlier, administrator was meh and everyone and their mother knew it, so you can imagine I thought this is big, and I have to survive this and come on top.

This is very Snake primary energy, it has that practicality I absolutely love. 

Money, I thought, should be the most useful, but there’s also too much and too little. In short, I sit down, wrote an application, had an envelope in my bag, talked a bit about how I would like to live alone and tried to slip it out of my bag on the table as it was nothing special. The most interesting thing was that he seemed amused all this time, and even then, I had my hair down and had lipstick on, so I don’t know, maybe my baby face looked interesting, or maybe that’s just stress distorting my memories. I was kind of prepared, but not really if you know what I mean, I obviously needed more information, but I was either naïve and thought this will work or this will be enough. In some way I was also mostly thinking I hate this, this either will work with how much I prepared or not, let’s go in and see. Maybe not good enough for sorting according to high-stakes situations but thank gods in some way that the only ones I had are like this one or exams.

Now that I have built your anticipation,

You absolutely have, I am extremely invested in this story. 

let’s check together how that ended up for me, shall we? I did get a room for myself, and I really loved the room I got the first year there. Its window opened up to a street, I saw a lot of trees, sky, a neighboring apartment complex that did not belong to college. The bribery? It went well, they were either monitored or they actually meant what they said that they can’t guarantee me anything, and that the college had plans to reduce the available space due to shortage of students. So in the end, I left with my money, a little bruised dignity and a new experience, that I knew I would never want to repeat. We just do what we need to do, and what we are okay about doing, no?

I hate bribery, but I wanted to live alone more, so it weighted over.

Something like that (and this whole story, really) makes me think your primary is fighting with your secondary. You think bribing is wrong, and your Lion secondary hates not just being direct and ASKING for what you want... but you want that private room, so of course you go for it. You had a bad experience in dorms before, you’re going to protect yourself. That’s the decision that you feel best about. 

And when it came down to this conversation, you got dressed up, you considered your appearance and how you came across, you thought about what the right level of bribery would be. But in the end, you think that the fact that you looked “interesting” got you through. And “this either will work with how much I prepared or not, let’s go in and see” is SO Lion. It’ll work, or it won’t, it’s out of my hands. 

5.

Recently I made a hard decision of whether to go back home or stay. Decisions are hard for me, especially when neither one nor the other option look better. I tried to take all that I have gathered about the situation and see which side is/feels stronger, which one has more value. 

I’m starting to see what’s got you confused about your primary. One thing about being in a Snake is that decisions get a lot harder when they don’t affect your personal safety and well-being, or the safety and well-being of your People. You’re making a decision with ALL the tools here - gathering information to know which side is stronger (Bird), asking yourself what side feels stronger (Lion), and also considering which side has more value (depending on exactly what you mean by “value,” this could be Badger or Snake. All those approaching are going to give you slightly different answers. 

I left unfriendly environment which saw no value in me or my culture for a more friendly place, where my roots are, where I can make my own decisions, but I had to leave my family. I didn’t feel good there, had no one I wanted to hold onto. But even though I am not a badger, but I am still in a missing people mood. 

I bet you are. You’re a Snake, and you don’t have any People right now. (You’re not Burned. You’ve just recently moved to a new place, and don’t have any People yet.)

This was absolutely the Snake decision, also. You didn’t feel valued, so you went where you knew you could set things up the way you like them. You left your family to do it, and sure leaving your family hurts, but I think you would have felt like you’d betrayed yourself if you stayed.

Connection is so human, and we fuck it up so bad from so early on. Does it matter if you still feel alone around people who surround you? It doesn’t, so maybe it’s better to let your family members rest, be somewhere lonely without them and try to do it yourself. Is it already depressing? I am sorry I hope this doesn’t feel like trauma dumping.

Nah, you’re fine. You’re absolutely going to find people you connect to. 

6.

My fantasies change with time depending on what inspires and moves me then. I fantasize about a Scandinavian style house, surrounded by snow and a night sky, full of books and huge windows when I just want to run away. Other times I fantasize about being a powerful wizard on the run or in disguise, just trying to live with friends, accepted and running from some kind of huge responsibilities or a war. Not that I never fantasized about something more ambitious, but that probably changed with how my life experiences shaped the worldview I have now. Do I have to mention fantasies of falling in love with someone nice while doing something that I like and brings me joy or is that just basic haha?

The “living with friends/falling in love with someone nice”... that’s very human, but since this significant other person features heavily in a short description of your fantasy, going to put that as a point for Snake primary. 

7.

The characters I identify most with probably has nothing to do with me or who I am, more with how I see them. I identify with Lorelai from Gilmore Girls. In my opinion, she has a similar energy to me, to what I think I am inside or could be with a little more stability and confidence. She talks nonsense, and it is fine most of the time, people still like her. She loves her community, her little town, she creates life there and doesn’t wish to leave, and she doesn’t feel a need to run or rush somewhere. I feel I am most healthy and stable when that rush leaves me, and I am stable enough in here and now to actually live there. 

I was honestly pretty happy with Lion Secondary as a sorting for you. But now I wonder. This doesn’t seem like something a Lion secondary would say. It seems like a Neutral Snake would say. And Lorelai is a VERY loud Neutral Snake (and a very loud Snake primary.

Now, Lion secondaries can be mellow, and just want to Vibe, but I absolutely do see shape-shifting capabilities from you, and I wouldn’t expect to see them from a Lion (unless you also had models or performances.) When you were a kid you were careful and thinking a lot about the ‘correct’ thing around your mom, but wild around your friends. In the bribing situation you came in with a persona, but then switched around - you’re funny, you’re interesting, you’re naive. Also in the wizard fantasy - you’re running away from the war, you don’t want to deal with it. Lion secondaries tend to fantasize about being revolutionaries or leading armies. 

Snake Secondaries who like staying in Neutral have a blunt take-it-or-leave it quality which I do see from you, but you also seem just... kind of tired. Not Burnt, but just kind of done with dealing with a family who makes you feel lonely, an administration who isn’t helpful, an environment that doesn’t value your culture... no wonder you just want the ability to just say whatever, and not have to think about it. 

I also think that the lack of a Person (which is a primary issue) is making this whole ask much more ‘authenticity’ flavored than it would be otherwise. You want, you really really desperately want a person to trust enough, and value enough, to be that level of authentic with. 

I identify with Joy from Everything Everywhere, because she feels like a friend who doesn’t need you to tell them how you feel in these feeble words, she looks at you, and she knows, the whole movie knows. 

You’re fantasizing about someone who just *gets* you, immediately. (You’re fantasizing about a Person.)

Likewise, I identify with Hunter from The Owl House. He says he misses knowing who he supposed to be. He comes from a really unhealthy background, but I just feel happy thinking how not only he himself warms up to people, but others warm up to him, see good in him, accept him and start to care, not how good people care, but how a friend cares. Hahaha, I identify with Pippin from LOTR movies, because he makes mistakes, and everyone around him is like WTF can you not, why don’t you just stand in one place or be tied to a leash? He’s not stupid, he’s not careless, he’s not bad or ignorant per se, mistakes just happen, it’s natural and instead of being made to feel wrong, let’s just not do that and make it normal, because it will happen, and we will learn from our mistakes without pressure or shouting. It’s a miracle Pippin wants to do things after all.

You’re fantasizing about getting a group of People. Don’t think it’s at all a coincidence that both the Owl House and the Lord of the Rings focus on a small, rag-tag group of people who don’t quite fit, for one reason or another. I also think you’ve probably been dealing with someone who does not react to *normal* mistakes in a healthy way. So of course Pippin and Hunter would be comforting. 

8.

Things that make me feel powerful? Money, having choices, being able to say no, I will not do anything of what you suggest and instead do this completely different thing. Because I can, because I want it, because I can see I will succeed, I will make it. I can choose to do things my way. You need money or other resources to be able to do that. Calling a plumber and being able to pay them would make me more powerful than waiting for someone I know do me a favor based on our relationship. While not being able to select what I want, or having crappy choices wherever I look makes me feel locked up and incredible passive. To quote the quiz, helplessness doesn’t make me angry, it freezes m, but I don’t get angry.

Damn. Yeah, I don’t know what I can say to any of that. What is power? Money, and the ability to say no. And really, when you get down to it - money is important when it allows to say no. The more you can say no, the more powerful you are. 

9.

Recently graduating was the most difficult thing I had to do. I had little to no help, big expectations from the board and little freedom on what decision I could make. Myself already being anxious about what I will do in the future and this major giving me panic attacks in the making did not help focus and do it right. I wonder would it have been better if I majored in something I loved but was kind of useless, than something I hated but what is seen as practical and marketable.

There really isn’t a right answer there. Not everyone needs to love their job, but some do. Some people are fine without a steady paycheck, or without a large paycheck - but some aren’t. Any decision that involves the future like that is going to be a gamble. And I guess I’m at the point now, with how fast the world and the economy is changing, that trying to guess what will be practical and marketable ten years down the line - isn’t nearly as sure a thing as it used to be. 

From what I’ve gathered, thesis can feel useless. I knew a guy who paid someone to write it for him, and honestly with my own experience I wouldn’t care about ethics of it now and would have rather done that if I could have a chance. In the end, how exactly writing your last paper, thesis shows your skills? Sure, you can follow academic paper writing rules, you can use computer, you can read and gather information from research papers, and you can ignore your anxiety and interview people, interpret their answers and have enough skill in a language you are using to not only make sense but follow all the rules. I guess you can use the skills somewhere; I am just talking myself out of this idea. Wait, if someone who never majored in your area and does not have the skills you worked for, can write you a paper and write it good, it’s not an excellent way to evaluate someone.

Yeah, Snake secondary for sure. And what can I say, you make a compelling case. The structural problems in academia, the classism, the behind-the-times - it’s very much still there, and there are lots of people who can talk about it much better than I can. 

My friends were busy with their own stuff, my family were far away and with a big generational gap, professors didn’t help and then evaluated me strangely. It was really hard to see a person I knew for a few years, liked, wanted to impress be against me. Sorry I am tired, but I really needed to write something, and this seemed like a good thing to occupy myself with. Off course, I don’t know how you feel about academic unfaithfulness, but from my perspective, my experience was shitty enough that I wouldn’t give a flying sausage if there would be a next time, especially if I did everything else the right way. I really don’t know how much it was me, because it was me in some ways, but I still think my supervisor didn’t help me, but was ready to judge me. She probably felt she wasn’t paid enough to deal with my problems then. Right. You know what I want to do now? I want to never look back, never get back there, and never even touch this major. I want to leave it in the past and start anew. I want to be able to choose and not be tied to it.

Spoken like a snake secondary. And no wonder why you seem so tired. Also, being treated badly by your advisor is going to hurt anybody... but ESPECIALLY a snake primary. 

Thank you for your time. Have a great day. Or night.

I will. :) Thanks for writing in.

[garfeildfanpage]

What is your opinion on teru minamoto and how he is as a character :3 I find him and akane’s (boy) interactions very interesting tbh

Woah an ask! And as of the recent chapter(s) I think they help confirm a few things I had already thought, but I’d love to go in depth!

Overall, Teru is probably my favorite. He’s different from the rest of the cast in the sense that he’s not a “hero” nor a “villain”. To me he, Akane, and Aoi all sit right in the gray moral area rather than characters like Kou, Nene, and the members of the broadcasting club, who play the direct roles of protag and antag. But he’s always held my attention over any of the other characters because everything around him is just as morally gray, from childhood to now his values never changed as his view on the world is just as strict, though with a few exceptions (which are pretty important).

His interactions with other characters show his views in the most obvious way. He acts charming and aloof around Nene, but he’s never really paying direct attention to her (ex: the mokke of the dead arc and the current trial arc).

When with Kou his actual softer side is shown a little bit more, acting as normal as he possibly can be; save for the times when Kou goes against Teru’s moral code (Young exorcist, Bound for the far-shore) and he goes on the defensive, when Kou’s view on supernaturals rival his he immediately goes from being on his side to disregarding him and acting on his own judgment full throttle. Which shows how he ignores their differences instead of actually addressing them, since he wants Kou to not only NOT be an exorcist but also to not get in his way. And to him pretending Kou isn’t doing exactly what he doesn’t want him to do, keeps the positive dynamic alive and well in his mind.

Now, Akane specifically is where it gets a bit confusing. I’ll take it chapter by chapter (or arc by arc whatever)

Clock-Keeper (technically the chapter after but I’m not super technical about this and it’s close enough)

Where it gets silly! Their dynamic of not only Spirit v Human but also President and Vice-President is established. Teru’s bias towards Akane compared to other supernaturals is from the beginning pretty obvious (he didn’t kill him so that’s a good start) while he isn’t exactly nice to him, he does value Akane in some way or another. It also shows that Teru knows a lot more than he lets on, and that he doesn’t tell people what he does either (which foreshadows some stuff later) also the glasses stuff is kinda tease-y flirty if you ignore the getting attacked by mokke part. What can I say he’s just so charming!!!

(Finals)

Where the care is more obvious. Showing off the more playful side of their dynamic, along with Akane’s view on Teru, which as of now isn’t very positive. At the end, Teru asks Akane for a favor, showing again that he’s psychic or something. But his cruelty here can mostly be seen as him making sure he gets Akane’s help, so the immoral part of it is debatable, he just seems to go about things the wrong way most of the time. could also be seen as him giving an insensitive to Akane to help up his grades for the final, since his grades for the previous semester are comparatively not as good.

Severance

Oh great heavens. Teru’s continued disregard of other peoples values comes to a head here, where this time he’s shown how the person feels when not told important information. But I understand why he did it. If he had told Akane that Aoi wouldn’t have returned to the near-shore, he wouldn’t have returned either, and there’s no way Teru could’ve dragged him out. But would that have been an issue? If Akane was left in the boundary? He could’ve died, he was kindof already doing that anyway, but was that the reason? Or did Teru do it out of selfishness? Did he want Akane to stay? Maybe he wanted to kick some sense into him, maybe he just didn’t want him to leave? Could be a lot of things, Teru isn’t dumb, and typically he’s pretty rational, but he never said why so everything is always up for interpretation.

Day-Off

To regain lost trust. Hanging out, it isn’t obvious why exactly Teru wanted Nene and Akane to tag along, maybe he and his apparent prophetic mind decided it would be the best course of action to do so, or maybe he just wanted a girls day or something. Akane seems to have gotten over his anger at Teru (possibly due to off-screen conversations cause that’s convenient) but when Teru tells him that Aoi isn’t dead, a little bit of trust in Teru’s judgment is recovered. Maybe he had the whole thing planned out from the beginning who knows he seems to suck at being overt. Akane interrogates Teru about the severance and gets all up in his face. And then the “I like Akane-San” happens and stuff gets confusing again.

Red house

I’m starting to think he doesn’t actually like Aoi. Teru learns to complain for basically the first time! At least in front of Akane. It’s obvious Teru’s trust towards Akane didn’t falter the way it did for Akane, in fact in some way Teru put more of himself out for Akane because of the severance. He brings up the dreaded Akane & Aoi chapter, and remarks about it in a really…strange way. Not upset but more bitter, really. But it also seems that Akane’s view on Teru has improved as well, having Teru go from a nightmarish demon stealing Aoi away from him, to a seemingly doting husband to her, what does this mean? Something gay probably. But nonetheless it seems that Teru wants Aoi back as well, but for what reason specifically? Other than just the general “unjust death caused by some undead demi-god 10 year old”, he wants Aoi back for some “dream”. Or is he just bluffing to tease Akane? I don’t know, dissecting a characters motives is hard when he isn’t nearly fleshed out enough to infer things with any kind of confidence. But overall they end on better terms than the severance started with.

Bound for the far-shore

Back to normal-ish. Teru’s fight with Kou is the main catch of these chapters for him, but his back-and-forth with Akane is fun too. It’s playful, it’s sweet, and it’s also nice to see them show trust towards one another!

School festival / Omen

A subversion of the viewer’s beliefs that Teru would go back to tormenting Akane but in actuality he protects him from a threat and makes a weirdly flirty face at him?? I love literature! Anyway I love their interactions here, it’s fun yet simple! I really hope nothing bad happens right after!

Trial of the Clock-Keepers

Ok gonna be honest this chapter is interesting but dear god is the pacing so slow I’m kindof losing interest. But nonetheless! Divorce. It’s a pretty obvious parallel to the severance; in the sense that Akane blindsights Teru, Teru tries to fuck his shit up, and is then forcibly stopped and dragged somewhere else. And though it’s played off as comical, it’s not silly to assume that this is, just like the severance, another reset of trust. I mean Teru does dick while Akane gets his shit rocked (not like he can actually do anything to be fair). but even so he still shows the smallest bit of concern, concern about why they aren’t actually fighting back in any significant way, even though they’re all well capable of doing so. But since the arc is still ongoing, that’s about where by opinions end.

Overall, I love Teru! And I love his dynamic with Akane! Sorry this is like, really long I’ve been waiting for an excuse to talk about this, so thanks for the ask!!1!1!…,ninja out

[lilisouless]

Do u like darklina? If yes, why? If no, why?

i definitely don't

the reasons are many but i only need one: she doesn't want to be with him and she didn't even liked him that much as she liked the attention. She only went with him when she thought Mal has ignoring him, on the book version she never iniciates a kiss (like, their lack of chemistry as lovers on the books its quite amazing, they only have enemies chemistry at the very best) Alina just lies there like a puppet and makes it happen. He is like her self steem fueller and he was not only perfectly aware of that but makes sure she sees him as such by sabotaging her comunication with Mal, her only friend and having Genya spying on her as well (okay, that the other grisha soldiers her age besides David is ulterly obnoxious certainly helped but still)

Its a little better on the show because at least she shows some interest and book!Alina clearly saw herself as inferior to him while on the show she tries to stand up as an equal which is a nice change and a fix of something that i never liked on the books.

Anyway , neither version work because in both the darkling at the end of the day his attachment to her its awfullly self centered. he is a serious first class narcisist. For him, Alina´s value is always thetered to him, never her, its always what she does for him and thinks Alina having her own mind and morals as a betrayal.

Book darkling supposedly cares about her, but his level of writing is a thanos level of mess. Show darkling is a little better at showing afection towards Alina, but its definitely not enought, he still does horrible things and only sees her as an extention of herself. In short: he doesn't love her at all

And Alina doesn't even need Mal to not love him. In both versions she turns against him when she learns what he did, she needed almost nothing to stop trusting him. Even if you erase Mal´s existence this still would happen, in fact

-book version, Alina had a big fight with Mal and against her heart , choose to be done with him (only reconcilied when Mal´s virtues proven to be bigger than his flaws) so could as well be out of the picture. Mal didn't play a part, she turned against the darkling because she deemed him as untrustworthy despite his better attemps to make himself Alina´s most important person

-Show version, Alina by this point doesn't even know she will find Mal so he doesn't play a part either

To make an emphasis, i honestly think Alina suffers from tons of inconsistent writting on the first two books BUT i will pretend she doesn't: compare how she instantly choose to believe Genya had a good reason for lying to her, this is someone she actually loves (and yes, i have complained about this issue, i still do, but its canon so the point has to stick)

All of this to say: she is so not in love with him, the attraction is undeniably there but there is no love that isn't born of the false affection the darkling tried to build and failed (also, Alina´s natural compasion probably played a part) this girl choose death before being with him.

thats the conclusion to me: they are not in love

And sure i am probably biassed but i will still defend my case: other grishaverse ships that are on my notp territory along with darklina would be nikolai/alina and kaz/jesper.

I really wish i could say nikolai was not in love with alina (alina IS not in love with him, thats canon) or that Jesper was not in love with Kaz so the narrative works on my favor, but i can't, they were , thats canon regardless if i like it or not.So you can say i am at least trying to get bias away and at leas on my mind the statement that they (alina and the darkling) weren't in love makes sense

[aihoshiino]

what are your thoughts on kana and if aka will actually let her find out about the revenge plot eventually

kana my love

Imo, it's pretty inevitable that Kana is going to find out about Aqua's revenge plan - it feels very intentional that the movie arc is pretty much the first time he's been willing to actively involve and manipulate Kana specifically for his own ends and I don't think it's a coincidence that this is only happening now Aqua is at his lowest point. Involving Kana to such a degree really feels like Aqua choosing to cross a line he had previously drawn for himself in terms of involving Kana directly with his revenge.

After all, I don't think it's accidental or due to a lack of focus that Kana has largely remained ignorant to this side of Aqua - rather, I think it's representative of the fact that Kana and his friendship with her is, in a lot of ways, a sort of refuge for Aqua, a window into a life as a normal teenager. As he himself put it all the way back in chapter 30, Kana is one of the few people in his life Aqua feels he can talk to without any manipulation or ulterior motives and it's clear he deeply values this aspect of their relationship. Through Kana, a lot of Aqua's worst traits are sort of filtered through a brighter, kinder lens and she brings a lot of his better traits out of him - his playful sense of humour, his sense of care and duty to the people around him, that sort of thing. Even the parts of himself he hates are softened a bit. For the like, five of you who occupy the middle of the "Oshi no Ko enjoyer" and "Umineko Enjoyer" Venn diagram, through Aqua and Kana's friendship, we (and arguably Aqua) are able to see him with love.

It's why I think it's not just inevitable but outright necessary that Kana find out about everything going on with Aqua. Aqua's arc during this stretch of the manga has been about him desecrating all his most important relationships and finally crossing the line in actively manipulating and involving Kana is part of that desecration. It's such a big shift in the status quo of their relationship that it necessitates Kana being given the information necessary to join everyone else in shaking him and going STOP RUINING YOUR LIFE, DIPSHIT!!!!

Anyway uh as you can probably tell by all that, I really like Kana! She's probably my favourite member of the cast who is not Ai and I think it's partially because her arc hits on a lot of similar beats to the ones that made Ai so compelling for me. She is definitely not on the same level of Brain Melting Blorbo as Ai obviously is for me lol but she touches on those same issues of lingering damage caused by childhood abuse, exploitation and abandonment and the kinds of things that pain does to you as you grow up. She engages with these themes in a way that is distinct enough from Ai to feel refreshing and honest while also, imo, being in conversation with it enough that it all coheres quite nicely.

I also just think she's fun and cute! The anime in general and its handling of the material is what finally made me really click with Oshi no Ko and Kana is, imo, second only to Ai in being the best served by the adaptation. She's plenty fun in the manga obviously but the anime puts a really tangible amount of love and care into its portrayal of her and does so many fun and cute things with her character acting it's really hard not to be endeared to her. I liked her fine during my first pass of the manga but it was definitely the anime that turned me into a card carrying Arima Kana Enjoyer. A big part of what has me so excited about season 2 is knowing that some of her best moments after going to get that same loving treatment and I can't wait to see it!

[autisticbokutoenthusiast]

ok @thatgirl4815 reminded me of its existence so now i need to revisit ray being called a burden in episode 1 for the millionth time but this time from a post episode 7 lens

(also yes i can read the room and am aware now is not the time in this tags history for a ray sympathy post but wtv) (also i already made a post about this??? i don't really remember august was years ago at this point and i have new thoughts apparently)

to start off, i think the only times ray's been called a burden is by boston and sand. in episode 1, boston is the only one to actually say it but i also think this moment could say a lot about the friend groups reaction to ray in general and how it hasn't really evolved.

boston: in general a lot of the time if boston is addressing ray its to hurt his feelings [see my other post about it here for more in-depth up to episode 5] (episode 1 see below, episode 2+7 boston provokes ray about mew, episode 3 bostonray conversation at the pool party about how much boston pities ray's shitty love life, episode 5 saying rays whole ass is owned by mew and telling sand about ray's crush after seeing them be happy, episode 6 ray confronts boston about whether he really slept with top while top and mew were dating and leaves believing he's a bad person and crying) and i wonder if we'll ever find out why.

but anyway boston calls ray a burden specifically because (in my opinion) he KNOWS it will hurt rays feelings at a time ray is already upset about top flirting with mew.

ray upset = boston's bitchmode activated

and while we don't know how much boston knows about ray's suicide attempt, and its fair that me might not even have known it happened let alone why, the conversation afterwards implies that the friends all know feeling loved or believing he's lovable is something ray at least struggled with if not still does (in their minds they may not know how he feels in the present about it, we as the audience know these feelings remain for him)

so that just feels like a cruel jab at ray, but like what else is the bostonray dynamic if not this.

cheum: cheum not only doesn't say anything when ray gets called a burden but she gets confused as to why he gets upset at it (i believe she specifically says "he gets so emotional when drunk"). my thoughts on whether or not she knows about ray's attempt is the same as i thought about boston, she probably knows something (she's the one that says "screw those who don't love you, i love you", but then also lists qualties that would make him desirable in a relationship and not really as a person, so she either doesn't get what ray's self-worth issues really reflect or wasn't told).

i don't want to say she's oblivious to ray but it kinda feels? that way. i think it would be interesting to look further into her relationship with april for this, the way she values having a happy relationship over an honest one, chooses lying over telling a truth that could potentially hurt.

i don't think she's purposefully ignoring ray to keep her peace, but i think it would be interesting from a character perspective to know if she's so desperate to keep the friend group together she tries to underplay threats to it or to her friends (very different context but in episode 7 she says the group should "throw away personal issues" which lowkey makes the most sense in terms of finishing a project but still feels relevant to this) or if she doesn't look for underlying issues within the friend group while they're all pretending to be ok, and instead waits for something to blow up. like how in episode 7 she realizes ray was upset more then just being drunk and pissed off only after she knew about top and the tape, which reveals she didn't think there was a deeper reason why ray was up on that stage screaming crying and self-sabotoging in the moment it was happening. or earlier on in episode 1 when ray is saying he loves his friends as their dragging him home and boston says "i know what he's gonna say next" and cheum says "he will keep saying he loves us" but boston says "he'll say guys don't leave me", which is a small moment but i wonder if it was intentional for boston to acknowledge a sad truth about ray (especailly since he only does it when hes drunk) and cheum just repeating the much more positive thing.

i also am thinking about her telling ray "why wouldn't you think to call us" after finding out days later he was in a car accident, when her and mew talked about ray before but they decided he wasn't responding because he was just drunk and then didn't check up on him.

[side not im obsessed with her saying "im mad you told april about me, but i get that you were trying to tell mew about top and ton" like does she 1. not know mew already knew about the tape when ray got on that stage and 2. think that ray was airing EVERYONE'S issues just for the topboston reveal?? like is it just me or were there obviously A LOT of reasons ray started yelling everyone's dirty laundry out to the bar while crying and trying to fight people, also 3. ray never apologizes to cheum for it, which maybe they don't feel like he has to, but like cheum says im angry at you and ray responds to something else she says and then the conversation shifts, like it feels like both of them are not addressing tension within the group purposefully]

I wonder if she is naive about ray and his issues, if she's the kind of person that needs someone else to reach out before noticing someone's issues, or if she doesn't want people close to her to be in pain, or leave her and so she chooses not to acknowledge problems (hoping for a cheum arc pls pls pls)

(i am not a mew hater i don't know why i kinda come across as one here im not criticizing him im just interpereting his actions through the lens of someone predisposed to be hurt by them)

Mew: when it comes to hearing ray get called a burden by boston, he doesn't do anything, which maybe he just doesn't remember what ray said to him the night from the flashback (which fair i was in a similar situation and i've completely blocked that night out of my memory), but if he does and let's other people repeat to ray the same phrases that convinced him his life isn't worth living then… yeah… (actually i am now leaning towards mew maybe not having that night ingrained in him, like if someones final goodbye to you includes them saying their unlovable and a burden and you don't react to them being called that later on in the future then maybe he's just forgotten)

i'd also say that maybe mew doesn't fully get ray's issues, like at the beginning of episode 6 he tells top that because of his moms, he never felt lacking in love because he always knew he had sources for it, so maybe he didn't fully process all of what ray was saying that night, or the role he holds in ray's life.

it could also explain his attitude towards ray in the entire rest of the series. like him commenting on ray bringing out the flask again (the fact the flask went away and is now coming back haunts me so much more than i think it was intended to)

and showing concern but also saying he can't be ray's emergency staff all the time (translated into attachment issues as: you're being a burden again, i can't handle you)

or the conversation in episode 6 where he assumes ray is in the bathroom because he's drunk or getting high (translated into attachment issues as: you're letting me down like you always do or you're not good enough for anyone me) he asks ray why he doesn't love himself (translated into attachment issues as: your letting people down or theres something wrong with you or just general confused noises at a concept you can't comprehend) he tells ray he'll die before he's thirty (im not gonna really comment on this one besides, 1. if it was up to ray and not the characters that save him then yeah thats the point, and 2. he's not only seemingly inherited his mothers addiction issues but he seems to believe he's destined to follow in all of her footsteps…) [side note, but ray then saying "don't worry about me" with a smile on his face while seeming to be somewhere else entirely… kinda reminding me of him saying he won't be anyones burden anymore in the bathtub tbh. actaully in general i can't get over how tired he looks in this scene and how determined he is to paint on a smile for mew]

[[second side note, rays face after mew tells him 'lets be friends forever" yeah….. no one talk to me about it]]

this scene in general seems to have an underlying emotion that i can't really define (if anyone knows pls tell me) but watching the scene on its own now that time has passed really does make it feel like a goodbye and i wonder if the scene feels sad because mew picks up on that too, or maybe he's just confused at ray's behaviour and ray is feeling conflicted about his own emotions, either way fucking ouch.

i guess my point with mew is that i don't think he has bad intentions but i don't think the things he thinks are helping ray actaully are, which, yeah why would mew at his big age of like 22 at the most know how to save ray. i think it shows he cares but that throughout this show so far there isn't enough communication between ray and his friends to truly get what they're dealing with here, that ray buries a lot of his feelings and that he seems to be operating on a different scale of pain. and in terms for my thoughts on how this evolves throughout the series, mew makes an effort with ray but we as the audience (especially compared to sand's scenes) see the ways he falls short, i think mew being with ray will give him the potential to learn more about ray or realize how much he doesn't know/understand. i hope it opens up communication between them, but i can't lie and say im not lowkey looking forward to them dealing emotional damage to eachother on a scale we didn't know possible.

like all my analysis posts i lost the point like 3 sentences in and just started rambling but curious on anyone elses thoughts on this now we are on episode 7

(also im not trying to be over critical of the group of 22 year olds, i was just projecting as the person in their 20s in a friendgroup who feels like a burden, i don't think any of these things make any of the characters bad ppl or anything it just creates interesting dynamics, peace and love <3)

[sketchyspamoop]

Okay so I'm probably fixating TOO much on a children's show from 2012, but I'm coming on here to defend Donald and Douglas because the hate towards them is WILD and overstated.

So, let me start by saying that I totally agree that both of them had issues, specifically with responsibility and ego. However, I would like to bring up a theory I have as to why they're both like that. Which, totally wouldn't excuse their behavior if they truly WERE abusive, but they weren't.

In short, based off the fact that they BOTH are egotistic and more possessive of money, I think it makes sense that they weren't raised as rich as Adam, Bree, and Chase. It would make sense that they grew up with little money. Perhaps their parents were very possessive of what they had, or even were irresponsible with it. Now, I'm not saying that that should be an excuse for how they value money. However, it makes sense.

I'll start with Donald, because he's the one I see the most unwarranted hate for. First of all, because it's a Disney show, I think a lot of his personality was sculpted purely for the comedic aspect. I'm only about halfway through on my re watch, but other than him just not always being conscious of how to BE a dad, I see no actual abuse from him. The most common criticism I see from him is that he locked Adam, Bree, and Chase away in the basement for years, not even celebrating their birthdays. But you have to remember that in no way was Donald expecting to be, or even WANTING to be a dad so young. He was 38 in season 1, which puts him at, like, 20, when he took Adam Bree and Chase (roughly lol). He was not in any way expecting to be a father of three kids so young, ESPECIALLY in presumably the first few years of Davenport Industries existing. He was (presumably) single, now having to carry the weight of a giant company on his own that was intended for him AND his brother to carry, and on TOP of that having to keep his guard up on his own brother.

Let's actually talk about that for a minute, because that's over looked too. Judging by the fact that they opened a company together, we can assume that they must've been VERY close growing up, and up until Douglas betrayed him. Having your own brother, whom you were very close with and trusted so deeply do something like that would be heartbreaking, and also terrifying, knowing what Douglas wanted to do and coming to the realization that he was evil. And NOW having to protect three babies from a deranged maniac? That's a lot.

Even though Douglas was presumed dead early on, I can imagine Donald had major trust issues, which is why he kept them in the basement. He knows Douglas is smart, and crafty, and could've had people working with him to take back the kids that could attack at any time. The circumstances in which they grew up SUCK, but they were in no was abusive or malicious. Donald clearly loved and loves his kids, and did what a single dad in his 20's at the time believed was right to protect them from danger or evil. Plus, as another person pointed out, he likely had to hide them asap from the government after Douglas went awol.

I'm not saying his arrogant tendencies are okay, but the kids never seem to care or think he's abusive or doesn't love them from that. They clearly hold little resentment towards him, and it's shown many times how much they care about and love him, and how much he feels the same for them (and LEO!! He treated him like a mentee and shaped him into who he became).

If ANYTHING, Douglas was a worse father, and what he did and planned to do got brushed off. But I still love him and want to defend him to the best of my ability. I'll just do a part two since this is so long.

Anyway, in short, y'all villainize Donald too much and ignore that half the things you're calling him out for were not things he seriously meant/had malicious intentions for. It's a Disney show y'all not a law show😭

[archandshri]

The value in comfort characters from Shri - 11/05/2024

Hi Archie and everyone!

(ignore the late blog post *sweats profusely*)

Today I just wanted to talk about comfort characters and the values in them! (and subsequently convincing you to get one if you don't already have one!)

I also want to rant about mine briefly so... sue me!

If you have a comfortable character hopefully this should reassure you of the value in them and if you don't have one - this should convince you to get one!

First I'll explain what a comfort charater is!

Comfort characters (in drawing context):

A character (person or creature or environment o guess???) that provides comfort when drawing them. This can be your own character or another creator's character.

Personal note: I find that a lot of my comfort characters are a mix of traits I either wish I had and/or existing trains from me or other people I know.

The Value in Comfort characters:

Something to always draw:

When you don't know what to draw - you just draw your comfort character!

I also love to think about them/their world/story lines before going to sleep most nights - which is super fun!

Something to practice with:

When doing studies why don't you make it more fun by adding your comfort characters to it? Figure drawing - make the figures your comfort characters! Environment studies? Put your comfort character in there somewhere! I've done that sort of stuff for years!

Value in self-indulgent drawing :

This is something I'm very passionate about and it's the value in self-indulgent drawing. What I mean by this is drawing/sketching just for your own enjoyment!

For example, I went through a massive faze of just drawing my comfort characters having really snuggly hugs or sleepy snuggles

This was completely self-indulgent and it made me so happy to draw this - I just kept drawing cuddles for months and months! It was just so nice and comforting!

Anyway's, finally time to introduce you to my Comfort characters!

Here are their character sheets which I'm still adding to

(and ignoring the spelling issues)

And yes they are all adopted siblings - and I love them dearly

The last note is because they’re comfort characters they don't necessarily have to be the pinnacle of good character design, a lot of choices I make with my comfort characters or for self-indulgent choices. I probably wouldn't make the same choices if I were designing for client work or professional projects.

So keep that in mind! It's okay to make bad character design choices if it means you get more enjoyment from them!

That's all today peeps! I hope I have convinced those without comfort characters to get some!

Hope everyone has some lovely dinners

Shri

[whoiwanttoday]

Well guys, the Oscars are upon us. The coming days will no doubt be full of pre-party pictures, Oscars red carpet pictures, Oscars viewing party pictures, after party pictures, and so on all revolving around Hollywood's biggest award. It is a cultural event that continues to drop in the ratings and overall esteem but has an out-sized importance on the culture and the film world. It's hard to explain how something has gone from the average person going, "These are the best movies!" when I was a kid, even though they were not, to "The Oscars are a joke!" when nothing about the Oscars has much changed. It more about the pop culture landscape, as the film world narrows and grows more top heavy but also now that the internet gives more voices. It is still important in the sense that it is a bellwether of what is considered most important by the most mainstream of the film industry. It tends to always be looking back but then most things are. Anyway, the Oscars are most decidedly not the best movies of the year in my mind, as a matter of fact some of the Best Picture nominees are kind of bad actually. Not in the microbudget horror DVDs I own bad, they are competently made by professionals but also forgettable tripe that will largely just be forgotten in a decade. So here are some movies that I think are worth your time from 2022, a year that people bemoan for not being that great but that's a weird way to look at it, there were great things in this year, just not the sort of great things people are going to give a gold statue to. This list is not exhaustive nor is it ranked. I feel like ranking art is a stupid thing for stupid people. I apologize if you really like this but it strikes me as completely destructive and counter intuitive to actually enjoying art, it exists to create drama online and drive "engagement". There is a reason listicles are one of the internets most common piece of journalism in the era of click bait, they are arbitrary, a monkey can do it, and they make everyone upset so they tweet about it, thus bringing in more eyeballs and that sweet, sweet ad money. I also am not great at favorites because I find the art I like best in this moment is the one that speaks to my current mindset, that's the joy of great art, it grows with you and what you bring to it matters a great deal, it's why things shift over your lifetime. If you like listing your favorite whatever though that's great, my weird commitment issues are not your problem nor an indictment of your taste. There's a different between favorite and best I am saying. Final caveat is that I haven't seen every movie this year. I tried to see a lot, I did see a lot but you know, some stuff falls through the cracks. Or I know it's not for me so why bother? I knew I wouldn't like the Fablemens but got pressured into seeing it because it was important and you know what? It kind of sucked. A totally mediocre movie made by a great director. Who cares. So that said, the movies I saw this year that I think are of real value are as follows: Aftersun, After Yang, the Banshees of Inisherin, RRR, Everything Everywhere All at Once, Pearl, And X. Honestly, it was a strong year for horror in general and Pearl and X might not even be the best horror movies of last year but they are the most interesting and most compelling to me. Aftersun was probably my favorite movie of the year and really was magnificent top to bottom. Two strong performances and an examination of both depression and memory and how our relationships with our parents shift over our life as we can see things differently and understand them in a different light as an adult. After Yang also has a lot to do with memory and how we remember and what makes us. RRR is an amazingly fun action movie that is pure joy if you can ignore all the Hindu Nationalism and let's be honest, most of you are Americans so I bet you can. The Banshees of Inisherin is a difficult movie about a lot of things that I still think about. Everything Everywhere All at Once is a wonderfully joyful and emotional movie that manages to be hilarious, action packed, and beautiful and in a just world will win the Oscar tonight. Luckily, win or lose it's also a movie that makes us realize being a loser isn't so bad if you keep trying. So those are mine, feel free to make recommendations my direction if you want, or to talk to me about any movie you saw this year. I probably have thoughts, I am very opinionated. Anyway, getting on to my opinions, let's talk about who I want to fuck today, the main opinion that drives this blog. I am posting Mia Goth for lots of reasons but the big reason she's in my brain is we may not see her anywhere this weekend and that's a real shame because she should have been nominated for an Oscar. I will preface this by saying I don't have the same issues with a lot of the acting nominees that I do with the movies, in that it's rare to see a truly terrible performance get nominated (though there are quite a few life time achievement nominations I spy this time out) but they are often safe and predictable ones. Performances that seem to have been created to win awards rather than to illuminate and empower in the way only art can. Mia Goth hands down gave the best performance I saw last year of any woman. Her role in X was very good and you know, she played two parts and that could be seen as gimmicky. Much more of a "give me awards" sort of thing if that was the performance I wanted to talk about. It was very good, most telling to me is we are told early on in the movie her character is someone with an extra something. That is often a curse because if we don't feel it from the character then it's tell don't show and can hurt the entire thing. But by the end I got it, her character, when the spotlight is on, lights up in a way that you could just feel. So she was good in X. I am not here to talk about her in X. I am here to talk about her in Pearl which would have been an astounding character piece no matter what. It's basically all her, the movie is her and the pieces the come in and out of her orbit. They are people but for her character they are accessories. Obstacles or facilitators to her own happiness. Mia Goth played someone with some very serious mental issues and managed to make that person sympathetic and monstrous. She was a monster and I knew it but the performance was so good and so powerful you could still feel her sadness, her desperation, her need for whatever it was that was missing inside her that she just could not seem to fill with anything. That alone would have made this a really good performance. It's just that I also saw X, where she was someone so radically different if I didn't know it was the same actress I never would have guessed. Which is why Mia Goth's performance really should have gotten her award nominations but these aren't the kind of movies that get awards because these aren't the kind of movies you can brag about yourself with nearly as easily. The movie where Mia Goth fucks a scarecrow doesn't quite signal the prestige and bring about self congratulatory masturbation the way giving an award to a movie about say deaf people would. So the world is what it is but I am going to recognize her today. She is amazingly talented, I hope to watch Infinity Pool soon and I am very excited for what she has coming down the line. Oh, she also helped write Pearl, feels important to explain what a complete artist she is, she really did built the character from the ground up. Today I want to fuck Mia Goth.

[sanguine-inkwell]

I think I want to write about self care today.

The thing about being a sanguinarian is, it’s not as… straightforward as a normal need? It’s easy to understand that a human being needs sugars, fats, and proteins to survive. Your brain needs those things. It is rational to conclude that not being able to feel hunger, or not eating, is a Bad Thing with Bad Consequences.

Blood is hard to get, and I end up mentally filing it under “luxury goods” like chocolate and bath bombs. Iron pills don’t really do it, my usual pomegranate juice helps a little, but even pomegranate juice is ludicrously expensive and I have bills to pay. So, compared to the necessary value of chicken and bread and milk, blood should be a sacrifice I can justify not making for months or years. I only have my favorite chocolate on holidays, you know? It should be simple.

I still don’t know why I crave blood. It’s not a bit or an aesthetic choice. If it was, I’d be thrilled buying red candles for the evening and messing with my makeup to make blood drips down my jaw. If it was an aesthetic choice, I wouldn’t be facing the war between my social anxiety and my genuine need. The need definitely wouldn’t be winning. Blood is in people, you can’t really get it any other way consensually. It’s not like I keep farm animals in my apartment.

I’ve been running with the assumption that it’s psychological, but it’s such a niche psychological want that I thought I could gloss it over, or maybe classify it with the impulses like touching hot stoves or throwing my phone out a window. But I don’t feel worse after successfully ignoring those last two.

The thing about being neurodivergent, though, is that by hook or by crook you end up being really good at ignoring or not registering your own needs, be they physical or psychological. Nature, nurture, however the cards fall. Especially if you’re prone to dissociation- I’ve got a friend with ADHD I meet up with for DND, and he frequently doesn’t eat all week because he just forgets to. I’ve got a friend with autism who sometimes goes Angry Werewolf Mode out of nowhere and asks to be left alone for a day, and then comes back saying they might have had some emotions they were ignoring.

So maybe it doesn’t matter what blood does for me, whether it’s rational or irrational. What matters is this want has stuck around for over a decade, and I feel healthier after taking care of it.

But I know myself. There’s a nonzero chance I’ll forget I even wrote this! And I don’t have the cash to help myself anyway. The electric bill is more important than the water bill, both of those are more important than groceries, groceries are more important than getting my oil changed, and pomegranate juice isn’t even on the list. I can buy so many hot dogs for the price of a bottle of expensive juice. Hell, even if I had a willing blood donor, my usual honorbound payment is pizza. Or at least dinner. I can’t afford that.

Can I afford to start caring about this lacking area of self care? I don’t know. I can at least acknowledge that I need to take better care of myself, which is something. But after that we get into the universal issue of a lack of local swans. If I wanted to complain about that, I can think of at least three Discord servers full to the brim with equally desperate vampires. It’s easier to ask a friend, but the friends that would be willing are an expensive plane ticket away. So!

Is there any benefit to recognizing I have an unfulfilled need right now? There probably should be, on principle. I’m not sure what it would be. At the very least there’s value in recognizing what’s real and what’s not, and treating myself kindly according to that. The brief impulse to throw my phone out a window? Not a real need, does not have lingering effects if I ignore it. The need to drink blood? There are consequences if I don’t, even if I’m really good at ignoring those consequences. I won’t die, but I also won’t die if I don’t take my meds, and I definitely function better with them than without.

So I suppose… the most I can do is recognize that the need exists and accept it, but if I can’t respond to the need, is there value in recognizing it?

I feel like my therapist would say yes.

[clini-calia]

It's tough. It is.

I'm a 30-year-old transgender man. From ages 16 to 23-ish, I was stuck in the alt-right pipeline, as well. I watched all that stupid bullshit with "feminists getting owned!!!1!" and what the fuck ever else. I think what pushed me towards it was how people on Tumblr used to be upset over EVERYTHING and would belittle me for my masculinity. I remember seeing a post that had a gif of a scene from some anime, I dunno which one, and it was of a naked girl laying down. People were complaining about her breasts not being realistic - it wasn't the size, it was that they weren't sagging or drooping, and that men need to be portrayed with rock hard dicks that never soften or whatever. But I was just sitting there thinking, "She's laying down... lol. Gravity is literally pushing her breasts against her chest, not pulling them down."

Anyway. Posts like that, but they got worse. I've had a lot of people on the left question my gender. "Why would you want to be a man? Women are the better choice." "I don't know why you'd want to do that, why give up your femininity?" I got into a small argument with a woman once on it, basically saying that it felt like trans men weren't really counted much and were largely ignored in the trans community, along with non binary people, who are usually just treated as "Women Lite." She got so angry that she told me, "You probably just wanna be a guy because you're too ugly to get one for yourself."

That's what tipped me over to the right for a bit. Until I realized they cared even less about me and that if given the chance, well. What happened on November 5th would happen, and they'd look for any excuse to strip me of my rights.

For cis, straight, white men it's not so easy to get out of. They're welcomed with open arms, there's no looming threat of having their rights taken away. So the pull of some "brotherhood" is more enticing. I was groomed and sexually assaulted by a man, but I was also sexually assaulted and groomed by a woman. I'll always believe that, no matter what, humans are just humans. White, black, gay, straight, trans, cis, man, woman - humans. And humans can be good, and they can also fucking suck. So I'll never say "all men are trash" or "all women are garbage" or anything like it ever again.

I see men's issues with mental health. I wish they would understand that it's the patriarchy that ultimately fuels those issues, and I wish some women would see how they also contribute to it. I see a lot of younger women these days placing men's entire values on their income, their careers, their appearances, what they can buy for them... I've seen a tweet of dudes just chilling and playing video games, showing off Pokemon cards or some shit and a woman quote retweeted it and said, "Men used to fight in wars. 🙄" Yeah. That'll stop toxic masculinity - tell men they're not real men unless they go to war and give up what makes them happy. Nice...

The patriarchy hurts women by enforcing the idea that they are to submit to men's wishes, stay at home, clean, cook, have babies. That's all women are allowed to experience.

The patriarchy hurts men by enforcing the idea that they are to overwork themselves, abandon any non traditional masculine interests and basic human emotions in favor of that work, and go to fight and possibly die in wars.

These ideals were put into place as soon as different tribes, races, countries and so on realized that, "Oh. There's OTHER types of people, and I want to be the most powerful and rich so they don't take what I have. Hmm. Better make sure women can only spit out plenty of babies and that plenty of those babies are men to be my soldiers and workforce."

If you're a man that supports any of those ideas, fuck you. If you're a woman that supports any of those ideas, fuck you, too. I'm sick and tired of generalizing people. I'm sick and tired of having to give up pieces of ourselves in order to put more money in billionaire's pockets. I'm sick and tired of men being told they're "too feminine" to be a man over being into stuff like sewing, baking, dolls, fashion, cozy games and I'm tired of seeing women being told they're "too masculine" to be a woman for being into coding, mechanical work, FPS games, science and I'm tired of seeing non binary people being told they're too much of one or the other to be non binary.

I'm tired of seeing men put down other men for having a fucking emotion other than anger or goddamn numbness. I'm tired of seeing women put down other women for being more attractive or not attractive enough. Just... stupid, petty bullshit that should have been over and done with decades ago, why the fuck are we STILL here?

It's tough. Because I love men and care deeply about men. But I also don't think we need to baby them and pat them on the back and say, "It's OK that you joined a fascist group of people that openly and proudly call themselves Nazis." And if a man ever tells me or any woman or AFAB person that it's "your body, my choice," I will grab the nearest blunt object I can get my hands on and beat the snot, shit, and blood out of them.

But I do think we need to work harder at not alienating our CIS, straight, white, male allies. We need to stop generalizing everybody and correct our language when talking about people. And we especially need to make it clear that the alt-right only seeks to divide for their own benefit, not for anyone else's. It's money and power that they want. Men, unless you are wealthy, you are just a vote and a pawn to them, nothing else. We need Democrats in the USA to stop rolling over and blowing kisses to Republicans in the hopes that they'll play nice and cut us some slack. It's not going to happen, not in meaningful numbers. And we NEED to crack down harder on alt-right online spaces. I don't give a fuck no more, get rid of that shit, I don't care if it's seen as too extreme or censorship, if you give these dangerous people a place to commune and feel safe with their harmful ideologies, then it WILL spill over into other spaces. And parents of young children: you need to BE BETTER at monitoring what your kids are seeing and doing online. Take it from someone who no-lifes online games: they are going into these spaces and saying heinous, horrible shit. They are being groomed, they are saying slurs and sexually harassing women, they are even seeking sexual attention and guidance from adults and strangers, and some of those adults are sick enough to take them up on their offers. One little trip into a few public instances of games like VRChat will be all the proof you need. I love the Internet, I really do, but I also see how its anonymity has done harm to us and has severely damaged how young people interact with each other, online and offline.

Anyway, sorry that was so long. I've been pissed the fuck off since I saw that Trump "won" the election and this shit has been on my mind for years, just even more so now.

I couldn't have said it better myself.

[homophobicgerardwayau]

Probably a bit late to this one but I have opinions. lol

I think a good thing to keep in mind regarding this 'women in rock' discourse is that this whole discussion is super myopic. I think we should consider that this is a bit of an autism argument, where on one side we have mcr fans (like myself) that are hyperfixated on music in general and are frustrated by the idea that other people don't find value in the same things that I do. And on the other side, we have people that are just as hyperfixated on mcr, but enjoy the band for reasons primarily other than the music itself. I think a lot of this honestly boils down to a bunch of passionate people arguing about how best to enjoy the thing that we collectively love.

I get it, I can't understand for the life of me why a person would seemingly limit their music taste to MCR, FOB, Panic and Paramore. For me, one of the reasons why I've revisited My Chem over and over for the last 15 years is because they were my big 'springboard' band that introduced me to a wide range of artists that continue to inspire me to this day. Everything from Hardcore to Proto-punk to Britpop to Glam and P-funk and Americana all because I was a kid in a small town with an obsession with this massive new band called My Chemical Romance.

Finding new things to be passionate about takes time and natural curiosity. When I was 16 I was probably listening to like, 5 bands. MCR, The Misfits, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Nirvana and Led Zepplin. Not many women in those bands.

Here's the thing, we should all know (even if you are very young), that the issues of gender inequality and racism are ten thousand times bigger and more complex than what fucking rock bands you listen to. When we are talking about 'the ideal rockstar and what that looks like' we are talking about the patriarchy. When we are talking about 'why do many rock fans disparage rap and hip-hop?' we are talking about white supremacy and colourism and how it impacts every facet of our lives, including the art and media that we consume.

If someone wants to make a zine or playlist that centers women and POC in rock, that's fantastic. If you take that as someone on the internet saying "You are ignorant and here's why" you may want to pause for a second and consider that this isn't about telling you off. It's an opportunity to engage, if even on a tiny scale, in the sharing of knowledge. And that's always a great thing!

It's super annoying when old-heads and the like seemingly wield their "vast musical tastes" like a weapon of moral superiority, and there are people out there that absolutely do that in order to alleviate their own feelings of white guilt for example. But in this context, I think that all of this shit should be engaged with in good faith. It's not that deep.

The more diversity the better. After all, isn't that why we are all still foaming at the mouth about Gerard wearing dresses on stage? Because we feel represented as GNC people?

Anyway, listen to Artpop by Lady Gaga, now streaming on iTunes.

Just a joke for the millennials there. Seriously though, listen to whatever brings you happiness, but try to ask yourself the question "What about this speaks to me?". Always a helpful question.

[dead-loch]

I’ve just had my first decent night of sleep in 2 weeks and for some reason I have woken wanting to cuddle anyone here or anywhere who is considered uneducated (and note I said uneducated NOT willingly ignorant).

I used to hide this from everyone except those who already knew but I never graduated high school. I didn’t drop out, actually, although at this point, for my own mental health, dropping out may have been the better choice.

I grew up with a mother who forced me to attend an extremely strict & conservative catholic school, no matter how much I begged her to let me attend the arts school in our city. (My mom would later wish she had let me change schools.)

Being queer and trans in the early aughts was hell. It’s honestly astonishing to see how much things have changed (and in some cases, in some ways, gotten worse but in others, gotten much better). I don’t think I had a single happy day in that school. Unfortunately the teachers and staff were abusive. It was never the other students (which is usually the problem in high school) but the adults who truly didn’t give a shit. But anyway. In my last year, I was depressed and literally unable to get out of bed for months. I failed one class (history) by 5 points. And thus, no high school diploma. I’m honestly amazed I was even able to attend exams.

What really kills me is that I remember that I loved learning before high school (and actually problems began for me in elementary but those were personal). I loved writing. I loved reading. I used to search universities for the one I wanted to attend and as a child I’d picked Oxford because it sounded fancy and it was far away.

Unfortunately, these hopes and dreams were literally and figuratively beat out of me.

What I’m trying to say here is that there’s a difference between lacking (formal) education and being willingly ignorant (that word is important, because it indicates a choice being made). Lacking formal education can make things incredibly difficult, and as a now 32 yr old, I can see the many ways that not having attended university especially can be detrimental. People learn to craft arguments and defend their points of view in structured ways that you probably won’t learn just being out in the world. I think that’s really valuable because often I can only describe my feelings (thankfully I value feeling and emotion but people often look down on that too).

With no high school diploma (and employers having no context), I’ve had to fight for a lot of what I’ve accomplished. While fighting tooth and nail every day working jobs I hated that didn’t even pay me enough to live, I began volunteering at an art gallery. From there, I was offered a paid position. From there, I began a career in arts administration that spans almost a decade and would culminate in communications & marketing management. It’s not an exaggeration when I say that every single other person I have ever worked with had at least one degree.

And then in 2021 I decided to try for something more. I left a full time salaried position which had given me financial stability for the first time in my life and pursued what was in my heart & soul, which was being an artist. I was accepted into a very small program (in fact the only program of its kind in Canada) and suddenly I was back at school, with all of that trauma I hadn’t fully processed.

It was hard. The last time I’d written any kind of essay was in high school, and to be honest I couldn’t remember anything about that time or anything I might have learned. I felt like an idiot in theory classes because the writings were heavily academic and not accessible (this is a whole issue and not just for me).

And guess what.. attending an arts program didn’t fix all of my problems. I missed out on a lot of what people learn throughout their 20s if they get a post-secondary education. I also still have a lot of rough parts when it comes to educators, because I still struggle trusting them, even though the ones I met at this school were amazing and supportive and a complete departure from the ones I had in high school. It really sucks that so much of who we are is shaped during a time where we have little to no control over our environments. But them’s the breaks.

I think what I’m trying to say here (and I honestly have no idea why I’ve just decided to be all introspective this morning— I literally woke up 34 minutes ago) is that high school does not need to define your life. That’s not to say that not receiving a formal education won’t make things difficult. I’m not advocating for one or the other, because there are a lot of reasons someone won’t do well in school. But next time you meet someone who didn’t graduate high school, I hope your immediate reaction won’t be to think that they’re stupid or ignorant. Some of us have just been through it. Others need different environments than the ones we currently have to be able to learn. Still others may have had to make a difficult choice. And even with a high school education, attending university is often something you need access to resources for, and some of us don’t have those resources or don’t want to spend time fighting to get them.

I will say that from the outside, the one really good thing about attending university seems to be that you learn to express yourself and your ideas in very clear ways. Also reading comprehension. I have a lot of trouble expressing myself and I’ll often just give up because the thoughts come out really jumbled and not fully what I was intending. I think that’s invaluable and i think they’re starting to do that in high school too (based on the current people I know who are still there or graduated recently) which is great.

But really the whole point of this is that it hurts me so much when people who don’t have a formal education think they’re stupid because of it and I just want to say, clearly, that you are not. I also want to say that a lot of university grads will (knowingly or not) use their education as a tool to make others— the seemingly uneducated— feel inferior. Instead of speaking in language that is accessible, they will use heavily academic language to make you feel like you have no idea what you’re saying and therefore nothing you say has any weight (instead of using it to, you know, help others understand something). Fuck these people. That’s all I have to say about that.