#anyway i’m off to bed now so i hope everyone has a nice rest of their night!

[rebelcliche-archive2]

i didn’t get anything done today (shocker) bc it’s easter weekend and work killed me and i feel like ass lol. maybe after easter i can get stuff done but i don’t see much happening until then, sorry!

[zegrasdrysdale]

I know you’ve been getting Ethan Edwards smuts recently but I just thought of one today and thought I’d share it with you! Riding Ethan because he’s too hurt to be on top!

Hoping you could write this for me!! Thank you!!

[ saddle up ] e. edwards

paring : Ethan Edwards x fem!reader

summary : a bored and injured Ethan finds his girl’s cowgirl hat from Halloween after a few months and is wearing it when she comes to the hockey house after class hoping she gets the hint

warning(s) : smut ! dirty talk, use of pet names during sex, p in v, unprotected sex (don’t be silly, wrap your willy), injured!ethan (but he’s also horny lol)

author’s note : pls send all the ethan smut requests bc i am a whore for this man and i will pretty much write anything i get abt him lmaoo. enjoy anon <33

༺═──────────────═༻

The moment she walks into the hockey house after a full day of classes and lectures, something’s off. The house is usually buzzing with hockey players by the time four rolls around and she comes walking into the house.

This time, the house is empty. Luca isn’t sitting in the living room playing some kind of game with Adam, the Duke boys aren’t yelling at each other in the kitchen, no stray hockey player is doing his homework or playing with Luca if Adam has a game.

It’s too quiet.

“Ethan?” she calls out. “Are you here?”

There’s no way they’d leave Ethan alone with his injured shoulder. He still needs help with a few basic things and can’t put a lot of weight on his shoulder yet. That’s why she’s practically been living with four hockey players since she and Ethan came back from summer break.

As she walks up the stairs, a soft “here” comes from down the hallway. She pushes the door to Ethan’s room open and peeks her head inside.

Ethan is lying in bed so she feels a little better, but he’s wearing an unbuttoned checkered flannel and a pair of jeans. Her sparkly black cowgirl hat from Halloween is on his head. She covers her smile with her hand and has to stifle a laugh.

“What the hell are you wearing?” she asks, voice muffled by her hands. The laughter is evident in her voice. “What is happening?”

He smiles and slowly manuvers himself so he’s sitting up against the headboard behind him. “I got bored and was pacing around my room and I found your hat while I was doing that,” he tells her. “Dressed the part. I was hoping you’d do me a favor though.”

She kicks the door shut behind her and drops her bag on the floor next to it. “Yeah? What’s that?”

“Save a horse, ride a hockey player?” Ethan tells her. It’s more of a question than a comment. “Well, a hockey player dressed as a cowboy. Anyway, please?”

Even injured and ordered by the doctor to rest, Ethan is thinking about sex. Possibly explains why the house is so empty. “Did you kick everyone out or something?” she asks. “It’s Wednesday. The house is usually filled to the brim with hockey players by now.”

“Coach Naurato called an emergency practice at Yost,” he explains. “There’s a team meeting I have to go to at seven but until then, I have the house all to myself.” He pats his lap with the hand that’s attached to his healthy shoulder. “So, saddle up.”

The laugh that she’s been surpressing bubbles from her throat. She loses it for a second, but she kicks off her sneakers anyway. “You are insufferable, Ethan Edwards,” she laughs. “Hot, but insufferable.”

Ethan shoots her another smile. “Yeah, but you still love me anyway,” he comments as she carefully crawls onto his lap. “Plus, it’s been a while since you’ve been fucked so I knew you couldn’t turn this down.”

She rolls her eyes and plays with the button on Ethan’s jeans. “I wanted to be careful because of your shoulder, E,” she tells him. “But yeah I’m losing my mind a little bit because it’s been a while.”

“Knew it,” Ethan laughs.

“You better be nice to me,” she reminds him as she pops his jeans open by undoing the button. “I’ll make sure this goes excruciatingly slow for you if you’re not nice to me.”

He throws his hands in the air in surrender. “Alright,” he says. “No need for threats.”

She smiles and kneels between his knees so she can get his pants off. She wiggles the jeans off of his legs and throws them on the floor. She can clearly see the bulge that’s formed in his boxers. With a light touch, she traces the bulge and Ethan presses his lips in a line.

Her fingers trail up over his abs and toned chest until she grazes his stubbled jaw. She carefully leans over him so she doesn’t accidentally put pressure on his shoulder.

Their eyes meet and Ethan smiles. “Hi, baby,” he says.

“Hi, handsome,” she giggles. “You sit there and rest like the doctor you to. I’ll take care of you.”

Ethan nods and she surges forward to capture his lips in a needy kiss. She cups his jaw and moves herself so she straddles one of his thighs. One of Ethan’s hands slides up the back of her shirt that she borrowed stole from him.

It’s very much been a while since they’ve properly had sex. It was before Ethan’s surgery, which was nearly seven months ago. Even then it was sporadic because he was playing through an injury and she didn’t want to hurt him even more. It’s been consistently hands, fingers, and mouths since about five months ago.

They’re great, especially when it’s Ethan’s fingers or tongue that make her come. Nothing will compare to being filled by Ethan’s dick though.

Yeah, she’s missed proper sex. Just a little bit. Or a lot.

She reaches down between them to pull her Ethan’s shirt over her head. The kiss breaks but Ethan leans up a bit and presses kisses to her collarbone. The hat he is wearing is knocked off his head and falls onto the pillows behind him. She grabs it and puts it on her own head.

He looks up at her and pulls back. “Saving a horse, riding a hockey player,” she comments. “Plus, it’s my hat.”

“It looks better on you anyway,” he replies. She tilts her hat in his direction and Ethan laughs.

His fingers slide to her back and unclasp the bra she had on. It falls between them and Ethan tosses it to the floor. He kisses her collarbones and chest. His lips trail down to her boobs. He’s always loved her tits and has always given them extra attention. Now is no different.

She leans her head back and sighs as Ethan cups one breast while he takes the other in his mouth. He switches after a moment. Her fingers are in his hair and she leaves the occasional kiss to his temple. “Ethan,” she sighs into his hair.

“Let me give my pretty girl some love first,” he mumbles against her skin. She smiles into his locks. “Then you’re allowed to do whatever you want.”

It feels like an eternity later when Ethan finally pulls back and looks up at her with the most innocent look on his face. Her chest is covered in red marks that only the two of them will ever see since it’s not bathing suit season. She shakes her head with a laugh before she leans in and captures his lips in a soft kiss.

Ethan begins to push at the waist and of the leggings she has on. “Come on, baby,” he whines into the kiss. “Off. Want you to ride me, pretty girl.”

His words shoot straight to her core and she hums. She loves when he talks to her like this and calls her ‘pretty girl’.

She has to break the kiss so she can get her pants off for him. She pushes the leggings, along with her already wet panties, down to her knees. She kicks them off from there. Ethan bites his bottom lip when she crawls onto his lap, completely naked.

Very carefully, she pushes the flannel that he’s wearing off his body. He sits up so she can get it off his arms without bumping his shoulder. The shirt joins the rest of their clothes on the ground.

Just to be a tease, she rolls her hips against Ethan’s. He groans and both his hands fly to her waist. “Keep doing that and we’re gonna have a problem,” he tells her. With a smile, she pulls his boxers off of him. His dick springs free of it’s confines as she throws the fabric to the floor with a soft thud.

She takes him in one hand and reaches over to his table to grab a condom out of the drawer. He intercepts her hand and she raises her eyebrows at him. “As long as it’s okay with you, I don’t want to use one,” he comments. “I just want to feel you.”

“You are so lucky that I started taking the pill,” she tells him with a laugh. “I’d be saying absolutely not if I didn’t.”

“Thank God for birth control,” Ethan replies. She smiles and leans in to kiss him again. One of his hands comes up to cup her face. She moves herself so she straddles his waist.

After a few extra pumps, she lines Ethan’s dick up with her entrance. She slowly sinks down on his cock with a sigh against his lips. His hands are on her waist to help her stay balanced. She feels the familiar stretch as she lowers herself onto his dick.

Once he’s completely inside of her, she gives herself a second since it’s been a while. Then she slowly moves her hips, still trying to be careful of Ethan’s shoulder.

Soft pants pass her lips into the messy kiss. The quicker her movements are, the heavier the pants. She has to break the kiss and rests her forehead against Ethan’s so she can breathe.

One of his hands comes up and cups her jaw. His thumb runs over her swollen lips and her hair has formed a curtain around their faces. She continues to move at a steady pace.

“Fuck,” she pants. “Missed this, E. Missed you.”

“Never left, baby,” he tells her. “Missed this too though.”

She smiles and kisses him again. Her hands rest on his torso as she quickens her pace.

The kiss doesn’t last long. The tip of his cock grazes her favorite spot and she groans. She sits back and is able to move at a slower but more comfortable pace and speed.

Ethan’s fingers trail from her jaw, down between her tits and over her stomach until he reaches her clit. She falters in her pace for a second but quickly recovers as she gets used to his fingers on her clit. “Don’t stop, E,” she pants as the knot in her stomach forms. “Shit.”

“I have you, pretty girl,” Ethan tells her. His own voice is shaky. “Look so pretty riding my cock, baby.”

She bites her bottom lip as her legs begin to shake on either side of his waist. Her orgasm is imminent but she isn’t ready for this to be over so quickly.

Her hands slide from his torso to his chest. Ethan’s able to lean his head up a bit and press soft kisses to her wrist. He grabs her hand with his free hand and kisses the back of it before he trails kisses down her arm. He gently pulls her so she leans over him again.

She lightly wraps her arms around his neck and quickens her pace one more time. “Fuck, E,” she gasps as the knot threatens to come undone. “Don’t want this to be over.”

“Come on my cock, sweet girl,” he tells her. “We’ll do this as many times as you want. Just wanna see you come on my cock, baby.”

His words mixed with his fingers on her clit and dick inside her are too much and she comes the next time she lowers herself onto him.

She loudly cries out his name as she reaches her high. Ethan cups her face in his hands so she doesn’t fall but she also grabs onto the headboard just in case. She loses her vision for two seconds and sees stars.

Ethan isn’t far behind her. With his healthy arm, he lifts her up and comes on her stomach and thighs. She heavily pants with a smile on her face as Ethan sinks back against the headboard after his own orgasm. He has a lazy smile on his own lips.

She leans in and they share a handful of lazy kisses as they both come down from their highs and get feeling back in their bodies.

As soon as she feels like she can stand, she gets off of Ethan and grabs the shirt she stole from him to wipe herself off. She finishes the job once she pees and wets a cloth.

When she comes back into the room, Ethan has the hat back on and is laying under the covers from the waist down. She laughs and shakes her head as she crawls under the covers with him.

She presses soft kisses to the scar on his shoulder. “I love you,” she mumbles. “The hat’s gotta go though. I’m down to do that again without the hat.”

Ethan tosses the hat somewhere in the room. “I love you,” he tells her. “I have an alarm set so you can sleep if you want.”

With a soft hum in agreement, her tired body gives in to sleep as she curls up around her boyfriend.

༺═──────────────═༻

MASTERLIST

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taglist : @dasiysthings @equallyshaw @dancerbailey3 @love4lando @prettyinsatiable @ivy-34

[euno11a]

i just saw your post about reader who can’t make themselves cum and ugh i love it, especially because i feel like no one ever talks about or includes it. anyways i would love to hear your thoughts on reader who has a hard time cumming, especially during sex no matter how good it feels

I fell that it’s honestly really important to talk about it to let people know that they aren’t alone. And I’m so glad you liked it :)

It is scientifically proven that men can cum easier during sex than women. It’s mostly because women have complex bodies, what works for one person might not work for the other. So when figuring out your own body, it’s important to keep in mind that your body is unique compared to others.

this wasn’t the first time that you’d been sprawled out in bed with Simon pleasing you. He kissed up and down your body, caressed every inch of you, even stopped for a little to rest his head on your chest and make sure you were nice and relaxed. You two had been on this journey together for a little while now, trying to figure out what you like and how he can make his pretty cum. He had tried many things, using his tongue, light pressure on your clit, firmer pressure, no pressure and just stimulating your g-spot, stimulating your g-spot and your clit, adding nipple play to see if that made you more sensitive; but even if it felt good, your body wouldn’t let yourself go.

at first, Simon thought it was because he wasn’t good enough. That he just lost his touch and that he wasn’t doing enough for you. But when you comforted him and explained how you’d been like this since you could remember, it made him feel better and worse. Alright, he wasn’t a complete failure and could still make you cum…but why hasn’t he? Every time you two had sex or just did foreplay, he would make sure to take all the time in the world to get you really nice and wet for him. He would use his fingers to curl inside you and touch that spot to make you mewl and arch your back off the mattress. But you still couldn’t cum. You were in the middle of him thrusting into you, feeling how his cock would twitch gently inside you, his fingers working your clit. Left side, right side, hood of it, right on it, pinching it gently, but all it would do is make you feel more pleasure that lead to nothing but a dead end.

you buried your head into his neck and let out small whimpers as he kept his movements steady. After another 15 minutes, that’s when the whimpers turned into silent sobs. Your body jerked a little as you cried, tears gliding down your cheeks and onto his bare shoulder. His head leaned down against yours and held you tightly, gently sliding your of you to hold you in his lap. You cried softly, neither of you talking, but both knowing what was wrong. “I don’t like being broken…” you said through little cries, voice soft and hoarse. But you were cut off by Simon shaking his head and cupping your face to press small kisses against the apples of your cheeks.

“Yer not broken, love. Y’just different. Just because we don’t know how t’make you cum just yet doesn’t mean my sweet girl is broken.” His words were soft against your ear as he caressed your head, another time failed.

as time passed, you began losing hope. It’s fair, thinking you just can’t do it because something inside is wrong or maybe you just weren’t cut out to be able to feel that pleasure everyone talks about. You started to notice how Simon even began refusing any type of pleasure. Handjob? No thanks, love. Maybe a blowjob cause you had a stressful day? Nope, but I do need cuddles, sweet girl. He was refusing your love. While he sat in his home office finishing some paperwork, you walked in quietly, staring at him as he stared down at the paper, pushing up his glasses. The glasses that you finally got him to buy because he kept complaining about the television being too hard to see and the news on his phone is too small. Thank god you did though, he looked bloody hot in them. Scooting your way into his office, you stood in front of his desk, catching his attention. “Somethin’ ya need, love?”

your cheeks burned as he looked at you, but you couldn’t get distracted! “Why are you refusing my love?”

it was clear the question caught him off guard by the way he paused, mouth slightly agape as he looked at you. “I’m not refusin’ your love. What makes you say that?”

“Wha-…? Yes you are! Every time I offer you a blowjob or a handjob, you say no. Am I doing something wrong? Does it not feel good? Do you…do you not like me anymore?”

he could hear your little heart shatter in that last question, standing up from his chair and walking over to you. He grabs you hands and sits on his desk, pulling you towards him. “I fucking love you. Neve think for a minute that I stopped loving you. I’m refusing to let you do any of tha’ because I don’t think it’s fair to ye. Not fair that my sweet girl has to endure not bein’ able to cum, so m’not gonna either.” He says while looking straight into your eyes, his thick and calloused fingers pushing some hair behind your ear. “Won’t cum until you can.”

while you thought he was refusing your live, he was actually doing it because he didn’t want you to feel left out? This man looked like a scary man, but he was the most thoughtful and caring teddy bear ever. “What if I never do, though?”

“Then neither will I.” He spoke seriously. “Understand?”

the small nod you give him is enough acknowledgement for him, pressing a gentle kiss to your lips. “Now, I was doin’ some research, and I found that most women can’t reach an orgasm without some help. So, what do ya think ‘bout lookin’ for some toys with me, eh?”

[star-girl69]

Guilty Pleasure

Caroline (KK) Harvey x Fem!Reader

—-

synopsis: after weeks full of stress and homework, all you want to do is have a nice evening with your girlfriend. but it’s hard to let yourself do that when she’s working herself to death to prepare for hockey championships.

a/n: wow i’m a genius… based off of this ask!! i hope you all enjoy!! STREAM TOUGH BY LANA AND QUAVO‼️‼️‼️

a few notes:

shoutout to my wonderful sister wife @lovinpelova read her kk fic it’s amazing ILY AND OUR WIFE 🫶

and rip to laila’s ability to go live 💔💔

Guilty Pleasure - Chappell Roan

warnings: NOT PROOFREAD, i don’t know anything about college please spare me, college scares me, i’m scared, anyways, texting if that triggers y’all, the tiniest bit of angst, y/n is kinda like insecure and all self deprecating LOL, umm a little bit of kissing, hurt/comfort!!!!!!!! kinda!!!!, swearing, ending sucks so bad, this sucks, whatever, i think that’s all let me know if i missed anything!!

—-

“Y/N,” your roommate groans into the stillness of your room. Besides for the natural humming of the building, it’s midnight, a school night, and the dorms are mostly silent. “Y/N, please. Turn off the lights and go to bed. You can’t keep studying, babe.”

“I’m sorry,” you mutter, standing up from your desk and flicking the light switch on the wall. You hear your roommate, Jackie, let out a sigh of relief.

Immediately, you sit back down, flipping the desk lamp on.

“Ugh, no, babe. That’s not what I meant- you need to sleep.”

“I have to study.”

Jackie had it so easy- you’ve never seen her study for any test, ever, yet she always comes back with 90’s on whatever assignment it is. Not you. No, you work your ass off and get an 80- if you’re lucky.

“You’ve been studying all weekend,” she groans. “You can’t do anything about it now, trust me. Whatever happens, happens. All you can do now is sleep.”

You’re silent, trying to cram just a few more vocab words into your head.

“Y/N, please!”

A pillow hits your head.

“Bitch!” You yell, glaring at her. Maybe you did really think she would be smiling at you, but she’s not. She’s looking at you with real concern in her eyes.

“Babe. I can see the dark circles under your eyes from here.”

And if you’re honest, the words on the pages are starting to blur, you can’t process anything- you know she’s right. You’re not helping yourself at this point, but you’re too scared to just give up and go to bed. What if you stay up for one more minute and it completely saves your ass tomorrow?

“Maybe you should call KK?” Jackie says, tentatively, but you’re not even looking at her anymore. “I won’t even complain that you’re whispering.”

“She’s probably asleep,” you mutter. “She texted me today, they had a really hard practice.”

“Yeah, but she’ll answer if you call. We both know she will.”

“No, I’m not bothering her. I’ll go to bed, okay?”

You meet Jackie’s eyes, and she looks you up and down.

“Okay.”

But she doesn’t settle, not when you’ve flicked the light off. You can see her when your eyes adjust, she doesn’t lay down until she sees you in bed, covers pulled up to your chin.

It’s only when you finally firmly squeeze your eyes shut that you hear the rustling of her settling into bed.

“Goodnight,” she murmurs, concern in her voice.

“Goodnight,” you say back.

She’s right. She’s completely right about everything.

She’s close with KK and the rest of the team you’ve come to known like family just like you. KK would answer you. She always has notifications turned on for you and you for her.

And there’s nothing else you can do about this test tomorrow, you’re confident you’ll at least pass it, but since you’re not doing any sports like almost everyone else at this school, you feel like you should at least have better grades. But you just… don’t.

As you wrap your arms around yourself in the darkness, hoping Jackie’s eyes are closed and she can’t see you, all you can do is think about Caroline.

—-

hockey queen: r u still coming over??

you: yes ofc do u hate me and want me to die????

hockey queen: no ily ❤️

you: ilyt i’m getting food tn btw

hockey queen: ok babe wtvr u want 😍

After days of turning down every invitation to go out, after forcing yourself to stay home and feeling Jackie’s disapproving eyes on you every time you stayed up late- your last class of the week had finished.

It was Friday afternoon, the sky starting to turn a pretty grey that let you know rain was coming. This entire week had felt like a battle in the long war that was college, and you desperately needed a night in with a movie and some takeout to replenish yourself for the next week-long battle.

And you needed that night to be with Caroline. Desperately. Even though you knew she was working herself just as hard, with your workload and her busy hockey schedule these Friday nights were sacred, and weekly.

No one ever skipped a Friday night.

Even when you were under the weather with the most horrible headache you’ve ever been plagued with, Caroline still came over and rubbed you temples, talked to you to distract you in a soft voice and let you drool on her when you finally did fall asleep.

Even when Caroline was so exhausted from a hard practice, and all she had the strength to do was brush her teeth and change into sweats, you let her pass out on top of you and stayed put the rest of the night, rubbing her back, just to make sure she got her rest.

With championships coming up, you’re sure tonight will be another night in which KK is barely functioning, but as long as she’s just there, tangible, you’ll be fine.

That’s what you tell yourself, even as you walk across campus, letting your mind guiltily wander to you just finally stopping for one second, slowing down and confiding in her how fucking exhausted you were.

The rational part of you knew she would understand. But the insecure, childish part of you that was scared you’ll be seen as too needy, too much, overpowered everything else.

You needed whatever bit of Caroline she would give you.

You sighed, kicking a stick on the concrete path away at a particularly vivid fantasy of you absolutely sobbing in her arms. And it’s not like you haven’t cried in front of her before- what scared you about this guilty fantasy was how good it felt, even in this daydream, to let her in.

She works so hard. You can’t dump yourself onto her either.

—-

jacked 💪: do i have the dorm to myself tn??

you: yes 🤗

jacked 💪: inviting sexy boy from econ over

you: use protection ily

jacked 💪: BITCH ilyt

KK and Laila had the cutest apartment that wasn’t too far away, with a really pretty view out onto a street with lots of lights that almost made it feel like new york city.

Unfortunately, the rest of the apartment really did feel like the apartment of two college girls. There was perpetually dishes in the sink, the weirdest posters and inside jokes plastered onto the walls- you didn’t even try to understand them.

Laila likes to joke that she knows when it’s time to clean based on how bad your reaction is when you walk in. She decides they can go a few more days without cleaning. You roll your eyes, eating your takeout at the counter while you wait for your girlfriend to get out of the shower.

When she finally does emerge from her room, her slightly curly hair in its prettiest slightly wet form, dressed in comfy clothes- something immediately squeezes inside of your chest.

Maybe it’s your heart. Or maybe it’s a physical manifesting of nerves and guilt in that’s made its home in your chest. Whatever.

You can see the tiredness on her face when she walks over to where you sit, wrapping her arms around you and kissing your cheek.

You ignore Lalia’s exaggerated gag.

“Come with me,” KK murmurs into your ear, and you don’t need to be told twice, stuffing your keys into your pocket and following her.

“Don’t be too loud!” Laila shouts after you, looking into the fridge to find a snack- you all know that fridge is in desperate need of a restock and a deep clean- “There are other people in this apartment, okay?”

“Shut up!” KK responds, holding onto your arm tightly and shutting the door behind you.

—-

After putting on some random movie from Netflix in the background, you were all too happy to throw yourself onto KK’s comfy bed, smiling when she let out an exaggerated groan, collapsing face down next to you.

“Aw, hard practice?” You fake cooed, and she nodded into her pillows. You played with a damp curl, twisting it between your fingers.

“So many bag skates,” she moaned. “I lost count. I swear I almost died. I saw the gates of Heaven.”

“Poor baby.”

“Yes,” she muttered in agreement, grabbing your hand playing with her hair and pressing it up against her face so she could trap you between her face and the pillow. “Everything hurts.”

The only light came from the flickering movie, and you could barely even hear it as you stared at her face. You press a kiss to her cheek and she smiles, and you sit up even as your own exhausted body screams at you.

She frowns when you take your hand away from her face, but doesn’t seem as bothered anymore when you straddle her legs and softly start to massage her shoulders.

“I love you,” she whispers, eyes falling shut. “Oh, my God, you could become a masseuse.”

You laugh, relishing in how intimate this moment feels, holding onto the feeling in your chest that erupted when she said “I love you” it’s not possible to feel guilt in this moment, shrouded in a haze that might be because of your droopy eyes but you tell yourself it’s because you love this girl so much.

“I haven’t seen you all week,” Caroline says after a second.

“I know,” you say after a long moment. Thinking of those long nights when you wanted to be selfish so bad. When you wanted her all to yourself. “Sorry. I’ve had, like, a lot of homework lately and stuff.”

“But the worst is over now?”

You heart squeezes at the hopeful edge to her tone.

It’s hard to find times when your schedules match. It hurts you, you know it hurts her, and sometimes these Fridays are the only thing that can keep you sane. You might actually end up in a mental hospital.

“Oh, um… I dunno. Hopefully, sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry,” she says, biting back a yawn. “I jus’ miss you.”

“I miss you too,” you say, so quietly it’s almost like a confession. “Okay, I’m sorry, I’m about to fall asleep,” you groan, slipping off of her and back onto the bed.

Laying on your side so you’re facing her, you watch as she opens her eyes and smiles at you in that sweet, slightly goofy way you fell in love with.

She reaches out and softly touches your under eyes, where you know there’s noticeable dark circles. She frowns, ever-so-slightly, and the unspoken question is thick in the air.

“Jackie keeps getting all pissed off at me,” you say, breaking the silence, making sure she doesn’t ask that question: “have you been sleeping?” You’re fine. You’re fine. “She thinks I’m studying too much but no matter how many times I tell her I’m studying a pretty normal amount- she won’t let it go.”

“Are you studying a normal amount?”

There’s a slight teasing smile on her face, so you roll your eyes.

“Yes. I stay up a little late, like, once and it’s like it’s the end of the world.”

It’s not just once, and it’s not just a little late, but KK is so tired, you can see it on her face.

She laughs. “Jackie jus’ loves you,” she says after a yawn.

“Too much, maybe.”

She puts her arm around you, tugging you closer to her. “You deserve all the love in the world, baby.”

You smile like a cheesy schoolgirl. “Okay,” you say, pressing a short kiss to her lips. “Go to bed, please. You can barely keep your eyes open and it’s actually kinda scary.”

“Come here,” she groans, pulling you even closer until you’re pressed up right against her.

And before you can even think about what you’re doing, you let out a sigh and press your face into her neck. This might be your favorite place- where you can feel her heartbeat and the way her arm is wrapped around you.

Your chest squeezes when everything fades out for a second, tiredness you didn’t feel until you were in her arms suddenly coming out in the form of a yawn.

“Damn, you’re tired,” she whispers, and you can hear the smile in her voice. You try to mumble “so are you” but it comes out as an incoherent mumble that she chuckles at.

Just as you faintly realize that comforting sensation is her hand in your hair, scratching your head, guilt consumes you. She’s been working so hard at practice- and here she is comforting you? You’re not going to national championships like her. You’re not doing anything important- you’re just tired from getting mediocre grades.

Sluggish, you moan and try to move out of her comfort, something inside of you screaming that you don’t deserve it, but she only mistakes it as you shifting in your sleep and softly shushes you.

And just as you push off sleep enough to try and get out, her breathing evens out. So, you fall asleep press tightly into her arms, feeling so guilty you think it might actually destroy you.

—-

hockey queen: hi baby practice finished early can i come over?

…

hockey queen: are u studying

hockey queen: babe pls i’m bored

hockey queen: ok i’m coming over deal w it

You set your pen down, staring at the scribbles in the margins of your assignment- the actual questions still blank. You sigh, feeling pressure behind your eyes that you try not to let spill.

“Fuck,” you whisper, putting your head into your hands and allowing yourself one guilty moment to wallow in self-pity before you finish this fucking assignment.

It’s still early, but you know you should have done this simple one page of work before tackling the endless pages of review for another test you have tomorrow- now you’re so tired you can barely see, and your hand is cramping.

You softly scrunch your dominant hand into a fist before spreading it out flat, almost wincing at how sore it is. Is it even possible for your hand to be this sore? Covered in smudged ink, you debate going to the bathroom and washing your hands. Maybe you need to walk around, then you can get this one page done.

But all you can think about is that stupid test tomorrow, and maybe you should stay up late again, screw Jackie’s concern, study more-

The first tear that drops onto your paper shocks you a bit. And you feel so stupid for crying in the first place that you start crying more.

Pressing your face into your hands, you’re too tired to try and stop the tears, just letting them fall. Your mind races with thoughts of that stupid test, this stupid assignment- and some rational part of you knows that this is unhealthy- but it’s college, and it kinda feels like everything you do is a precursor for your adult life.

If you can’t juggle tests and homework- how are you going to juggle bills and work? Simple housework?

Someone knocks on the door.

You freeze for a moment, feeling your makeup run streaky down your face, eyes still full of tears and mascara messy-

“Y/N?”

Oh, fuck. Fuck. You know that voice, you know KK’s voice, you can hear her perfectly through the door.

And you’re just stupidly, completely frozen.

Maybe because part of you wants to just run into her arms.

And before you can make up some lie or do anything to get her to go away, she just opens the door, and you quickly turn away.

“Oh. Y/N,” she says, obviously very confused. “I figured you weren’t in here. Did you see my texts?”

“Uh,” you start, and you know immediately that she can hear the sadness in your voice. “No, sorry. I’ve been studying.”

“What happened?” She asks, and you would laugh at the way she looks around the room, almost as if someone is going to jump out. “You’re crying.”

“No,” you fake laugh, standing up. “Give me a second, there’s something in my eye-”

She grabs your wrist.

“Please don’t lie to me.”

The sincerity and love in her voice makes you cry more.

“It’s nothing, I’m fine. I’m just a little overwhelmed with school, I’ve had some late nights, it’s stupid that I’m crying over this. Seriously, babe, thank you- but it’s not that big of a deal.”

She’s got this kinda heartbroken look on her face, and you love her so much- you feel even more guilty for making her feel like this, for being the cause of the frown on her face, and you just want to go back in time and stop all of this from happening.

“…It is a big deal if it’s making you cry.”

You can’t say anything.

She wipes a few tears from your face. “You look exhausted, baby. I didn’t want to say anything because I know you’ve had a lot going on with school, but I know you, I know you’re tired and I think maybe-”

“I’ve had a few late nights, okay?” You finally meet her eyes, trying to convince her that you’re okay, because you feel so stupid and vulnerable and you can’t stand it when she has that concerned look in her eyes for you. “Like, not even that late. 2 A.M. isn’t even that bad. I mean, it’s not like it pays off, because my grades are still shit- but, whatever. It’s fine. I’m fine, okay? I’m sorry, I’m just not thinking straight, and- it’s fine. It’s fine.”

“You’re not fuckin’ fine, Y/N. Stop saying that, why are you pushing me away? You can tell me anything, I love you.”

She’s dropped her bag by now, her entire attention focused on you, one arm wrapped around your waist as if you might run away from her and the other softly brushing away the tears that continue to fall.

“I try so hard,” you say after a second. “I study so much. And I… I just can’t get good grades. And I just… I feel so guilty all the time, because I just want to spend time with you and I love you so much but you work so hard and I just don’t want to be another thing for you to deal with.”

And once it’s finally out, not curled up in your chest like a second heart leeching on the very essence of your being, the tears dry up.

Caroline softly smiles.

“What?” You ask, sniffling a bit, one step away from crying again.

“It’s just- how could you ever think that you would be something for me to “deal” with?”

“I dunno,” you say, slightly pouty as she helps you sit down next to her.

“You’re my favorite person in the entire world. I love you more than anything- even hockey, which is saying a lot. You’re never something for me to deal with, and I don’t do anything but smile anytime someone says your name, or you text me, or I get to see you- I’m sorry that it really sucks right now, with my schedule, and that you were feeling like this and I had no idea- but I really fucking love you.”

You smile softly. “You’re sweet,” you murmur, legs intertwining with hers. “I fucking love you too.”

She places her hand on the side of her face and kisses your nose.

“Don’t ever feel guilty for wanting to spend time with me. I’m never too tired for you. Besides, do you know what I think about during practice?”

“What’s right in front of you face?” You quip.

“Well, that, but also you. And, also, I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about with your grades. Don’t you have like an 89 in each class?”

“It’s not a 90,” you groan.

“Still better than me, I’m like all 85’s. And, you’re literally the only reason I’m passing that one class that I hate who’s name I don’t speak.”

You smile, angling yourself to face her, finding that you can’t think of anything poetic to say to tell her how much she means to you, so you just kiss her. Long and slow, trying to pour as much appreciation and emotion into it as possible.

“Okay, game plan, I help you finish whatever work you have, then have you eaten? I’ll get us food. Then, you’re going to go to sleep early, okay?”

“It’s a plan,” you say, standing up and crossing the room to that one piece of paper, tear stain dried on it.

Her face spurs adorably just at the sight of the homework from her least favorite class. “Oh, you’re gonna love me. Don’t worry, I got the answers from the really smart girl I sit next to.” She takes out her own sheet of homework from her bag on the floor, smoothing out the wrinkles on her thigh before proudly handing it to you.

“Hm, I do love you. Just a bit.”

“I’m pretending I didn’t hear that.”

And later that night, with your homework finally done, takeout boxes in the trash bin, and your head on Caroline’s chest- heartbeat in your ears, her lips on the top of you head- it feels impossible to feel guilty about loving her.

—-

Jackie walks in late, groaning to herself about the stupid kid in her study group who asks the most common sense questions- she quickly shuts up when she realizes you’re asleep in your bed.

“Thank God,” she breaths, grateful that she didn’t find you hunched over at the desk again.

She squints into the darkness, quickly realizing there’s two figures on her bed, and the other one is very familiar-

“What did I say?” Jackie mutters to herself. “Insufferably in love with each other.”

Then, she quickly snaps a picture before getting ready for bed herself.

—-

[themultifandomgal]

From 2010- This Is Us Movie

2013

Part 36

Ok so before we get into this one this will be written in 3rd person as if the reader is the one watching the film (does that make sense? I have no clue) it will probably jump around a little from scene to scene and I also won’t really be including anything on stage. Anyway I hope you enjoy.

29th August and everyone is waiting in anticipation for This Is Us Movie to start. Chattering can be heard until Niall’s voice is heard The screen is black as Niall says

“When I was small I had a desk, it was weird because I wrote on it ‘when I grow up I wanna be a singer’ I like scribbed it in. And it’s still on the desk”

“Life at home was my mum, dad me and my three sisters” Zayn now speaks as photos of the boys houses and where they lived start showing “you can say I had a heavy woman influence from a young age”

“We lived in a tiny house and I used to have a little bed in my mum and dads room” Niall’s voice says again the screen showing a picture of when he was younger

“I used to sit on the windowsill and imagine things like winning the lottery” Liam says

“When I was little I knew I wanted to entertain people I was a proper show off” Harry says as photos of Harry are shown

“When I was at school I was the class clown I’ve always been that guy who made people laugh” Louis’s voice says

“When I was younger, I was shy. I didn’t want to be the centre of attention. It was my mum who was the outgoing one, she could sing, I guess that’s where I got it from” YN says as photos of her family are shown “it was just me, mum and dad growing up, mum tried to get me to join different activities, but I was to shy”

The photos transition from family pictures to photos of the o2 arena which then transitions to video footage. Music playing and Liam is seen walking out onto the stage singing ‘up all night’ before the rest of the band start singing.

The first song ends and video footage of fans stood out side the arena is show chanting and screaming. More footage is shown of different tours and news anchors talking about then band.

“Wether we’re together or apart we can both remove the marks and admit we regret it from the start” the boys and YN sing, harmonising while walking backstage towards the front of the arena

“Oh my….” YN gasps holding her dog cookie in her arms

“Its scary being here now. I feel a bit nervous” Liam says to YN.

Harry and Louis are playing football as Paul the choreographer tells the boys and YN to start rehearsals

“Louis your on that end YN move into the middle” the screen shows the boys and YN rehearsing before it changes to them trying on outfits

“Sometimes I feel like I’m the mum of the group getting the boys to do as they are told” YN tells the camera in a dressing room while Harry is taking funny photos “H take a serious photo would you!” YN scolds and immediately Harry takes a nice picture of him in his outfit.

———

“That is sick” Louis says looking at the stage

“Holy… wow” Liam says stunned at the lights

“I wish my mum could be here to see this, to see us”

“She is. She’s always here” Harry hugs YN as the screen transitions to YN sat down

“When I auditioned for X-Factor I truly didn’t think I was going to get through. My mum always thought I should go on and since I was able to I knew I had to do her proud” a photo of YN and her mum are put on screen. It’s a photo of them smiling while out at a flower field “I miss her so much everyday” YN tucks a loose piece of her hair behind her ear revealing the tattoo she has in dedication for her mum.

The boys talk about their experience being formed

“It was crazy the day YN joined” Liam says sitting down in a room “we had only just gotten used to each other then there was Simon bringing in a girl to join us at judges houses”

“YN and I actually met during the auditions and when I saw her walking in with Simon I felt confused”

“Seeing Niall there I felt my anxiety lower, all I could think of is thank god one member will be ok with me. I was so scared joining the band”

“It was vital that we became friends before we became colleagues” a video of YN, Harry, Niall, Liam, Zayn and Louis is shown. They’re all sat outside on a hot day laughing at something Harry had said.

———

“I’m going to miss you” YN says to Cookie as they lay on the floor while Harry is packing his bag. Cookie then licks YNs face

“She loves that dog more than she loves us” the music stops and Louis laughs from across the room “see doesn’t even deny it” the screen switch’s to Niall then Liam then back to Harry and YN “are you going to pack? Our flight is in 4 hours”

“Soon. Let me just cuddle Cookie a little more”

“See loves her more than us”

———

“Madison Square Garden. The worlds most famous arena. Just sums it up. I don’t know where we go from here really. It’s mad” Liam says next to a banner

“I’m really nervous”

“Me to bro” Niall and Liam are sat down on some chairs looking out as the crew move around to build the stage.

The screen changes to the boys and YN on the stage doing a rehearsal, but YN is on the floor with an ice pack on her ankle

“YN went over her ankle with her heals on” footage is then shown of YN running on the stage and slipping and Zayn trying to catch her “so we’re just waiting to find out if she can perform tonight or if she needs to go to the hospital” Harry says to the camera then back to YN when she starts saying ow as Niall and Liam help her up. Harry then walks away from the camera and grabs a chair for her to sit on. The camera zooms in on YNs face in pain.

———

Niall is seen running down the halls with YN in a wheelchair then into a room where Liam and Louis are

“I’m so nervous for tonight” YN says “not only are our parents here tonight but I have a bad ankle”

“Are you doing the show in the wheelchair?” Niall asks YN

“No going to take paracetamol and wear trainers. Hopefully I don’t hurt it more, but I’m performing here” YN says determined.

The next scene is of YN getting out of her wheelchair and running to her dad who walks into the area with Anne and Robin. Tears can be seen in all of their eyes

“I’m so proud of you” Thomas says holding his little girl in his arms. YN let’s go of her dad and give both Anne and Robin a hug before Harry is seen bringing back her wheel chair and demanding she carries on resting her ankle until they go on stage.

———

After live while we’re young the camera switches to Harry, Louis, Liam, Zayn and YN all lying down in an airport lounge trying to catch up on sleep while Zayn has a voice over saying that it’s non stop. It then shows an airplane flying over Tokyo and the band leaving the plane. Cameras flash and paparazzi call their names

“This is a little strange. This many photographers aren’t allowed in the building in the Uk” Harry says walking next to YN who is trying to keep her head down. The airport is crazy full of fans. The band all take time to sign autographs and take photos

“I never thought I’d be here in Japan with this many fans wanting to take a photo of me or have my autograph. Sometimes I feel like I’m in some crazy fever dream that I’m going to wake up from and find that is 2010 again and I haven’t auditioned”

The next scene is of Harry reading a Japanese news paper, Liam balancing a tea pot on Louis head. He then pours milk into the cup. The camera pans between Harry and YN who shakes her head smiling

“I work with children and I’m actually the youngest here” YN chuckles as Louis runs off spilling the tea and cracking a plate. Harry shakes the news paper and then his head.

———

“Right lads and lady were tourists for the day” Liam says taking a photo of YN, Harry, Louis and Niall stood in front of the Eiffel Tower

“We don’t often get to explore the country we’re in so if we ever get the chance to we definitely take it”

“It feels like an adventure everyday” Niall says

“It’s like a big holiday really. With a lot of work involved” Liam says to the camera

“It’s a good job I enjoy my job and my coworkers” YN says “well sometimes” YN then walks off leaving a stunned Harry

“Hey that’s rude”

———

“I’m just a natural aren’t I really. I don’t mess around that’s the main thing for me” the camera points to Liam who’s fishing, Harry who’s lay down with his eye closed and YN who’s looking out to sea “I think the Europe trip so far has just flown by. When you think about tour rehearsals and everything, it seems such a long time ago now”

“I know” Harry says putting his hand in front of his face trying to block the sun while he looks at Liam. YN turns to look at her best friends

“Do you remember when you walked in and Simon said we would be working together?” Harry asks YN

“Yeah. I was so scared you guys were going to hate me or something. I mean when I first joined there were little clashes here and there but it wasn’t anything huge”

“Yeah we were just trying to change dynamic a bit. Like be respectful to you a stuff” Harry says looking back at YN

“If I wasn’t in One Direction right now I think I’d be in a factory or being a fireman” Liam says

“I’d probably be living back home in Shrewsbury doing something at Uni. Would you have opened your own bakery?” YN turns to Harry

“I was a great baker”

“And yet we’re still waiting for you to bake us something”

“I will… one day”

“Fish!

“Yes!”

“Ahhh don’t you dare” YN squeals as Liam brings it over to her

“Come on YN give it a kiss”

“No!”

“When we’re on tour they’re still young people who like playing games” Preston one of the security guards says as video clips off Harry running away from him is shown

“I am their dad on the road” Paul Huggins says “the only issue I have is that they’re all a pain in my ass. Yes even sweet little YN” the next clip is YN hiding under a table then grabbing peoples legs making them scream “the boys have corrupted her”

“We’ve got some days off scheduled. The boys are going home, Im staying in LA for a bit. I’m going to miss them. I spend so much of my time with them, I live with Louis and Harry so it’s hard when we’re not together. It’s like somethings missing” YN hugs her befriends as they leave her alone at the airport “I know I’ll see them soon, but part of me wants us to stay together. Love you!” YN shouts. 

———

“Sometimes the media can get to me” YN shows a photo of YN and Liam walking around LA “this was taken when I stayed in LA for a little bit before going back home to see my dad. Im in Australia right now, the boys are coming soon because we will be doing the last part of tour here then in Japan. I guess like any job there positives and negatives. I love what I do, but it’s had when you get hate for living your life. It can be hard, but I have some of the most amazing friends and family who help me through all of that” the camera then shows a video of YN running up to Niall who picks her up and swings her round “there’s truly something special about our friendship. I never feel separated from them because I’m a woman” another clip of YN Harry scooping YN up into a bear hug is shown “they’re part of my family”

“I’m so proud of YN” Thomas, YN’s dad is shown on screen sitting in his kitchen “she’s always been rather shy and after her mum died that shyness almost took over her” again another clip of YN and the boys is shown, this time of them racing each other in an arena “if she hadn’t of joined the band I don’t think she would have coped. The boys have become her befriends and have brought this other side out of her. A more happy and confident side that I haven’t seen since before Lisa passed away”

“We’re back baby!” YN shouts having a group hug with the band as ‘one way or another’ starts playing and the clip changed to them on stage singing.

———

“I can’t believe you threw water on each other and got me wet” YN laughs looking at the 2 culprits while they all sit on the tour bus

“Own up! Who’s farted!” Louis says

“Niall own up” Harry says laughing

“You know, sometimes when its really smelly, Niall doesn't admit it” Louis continues

“Hold on who here never admits to them but we all know they’re the worst” Niall then points to YN

“No don’t blame me. I don’t admit to them because I don’t do them on the bus”

“No she saves them for stage” Zayn laughs

“Hey it’s not my fault I have nervous farts”

“Kinda is” Harry says and YN is seen hitting Harry playfully making him laugh.

———

“How the hell did you get me to agree to go camping with you” YN laughs carrying a large back pack

“Is there any bears in Sweden?” Liam asks

“Where we putting the tent?” Louis asks

“Put it over here” Niall directs the boys and YN

“I’m hungry” YN groans

“We need to make a fire first”

“I’m on pine cone duty” Louis says sounding extremely happy

“Oh it’s good the instructions are in Swedish” Liam saying looking at the little booklet

“We don’t need instructions Liam”

“I’m hungry” YN moans again

“Are you gonna come and help?” Harry asks YN

“But I’m hungry” YN now pulls out at a packet of crisps and sits down on a chair

“Where… how did you… you know what you sit there and eat your crisps”

The day turns into night and the band are sat around the campfire. YN and Harry are sharing a blanket to keep them warm

“Do you think if one of us wasn’t in the band we wouldn’t be this big?” Liam asks

“No, definitely not” Harry shakes his head

“I don't think so either. I think we each balance each other out” liam replies

“What’s mad is one day we won’t be doing this” Louis says

“No mater what we do or where we go in life, I just want you all to know that this has been the most amazing experience of my life”

“Awww YN!” Harry hugs YN tightly into him

“I mean it. I’m proud of us. Whether we last for 10 year or just another year. I will always look back at these memories with fondness”

“Do you think we’ll still be mates?” Zayn asks

“I hope so. Even if don’t talk all the time I think we will always be proud of one another”

“Ok YN your getting to soppy!” Harry says.

———

“It’s the last day of tour and while a part of me is excited to have a break, I’m going to miss being here on tour, being with these idiots every day” YN says “I can’t believe that we are able to do what we love and it’s all thanks to the people who are supporting us. Weather they’ve supported us from day one on X-Factor or have only found out about us today. Thank you, it truly means the world to us all” with that the the video fades of a video of the band bowing before it cuts to the credits.

[streamafterlaughter]

Fundamental Differing

Chapter XX: A Fine Line Between Hope And Despair

nav | masterlist | playlist | prev. chapter | pin board

summary: your night turns sour when you can’t bring yourself to leave eddie’s side just yet.

a/n: everyone please give a round of applause to me, willow, for completing two chapters within four weeks of each other for the first time since october! i love when i’m motivated it makes me feel sooooo good about posting. i hope y’all enjoy! a scene included was inspired by this post

tags: rockstar!eddie x rockstar!reader, afab!gnc!reader, use of y/n, mutual pining, angst, these two can’t catch a break

cw: sexual harassment, descriptions of violence (eddie gets beat up), wounds, mentions of blood. this fic includes mature content not suited for readers under the age of 18. MDNI

March 1986

Eddie’s POV

“Eddie, please. Stay with us, please. Baby, baby please.” Your voice is muted, like he’s underwater. He’s hurt. Bad. Chunks of flesh have been torn from his torso, leaving only bloody holes that rise and fall as he tries to breathe with little luck. It hurts to move at all, and the corners of his vision are starting to blacken. He has a particularly large gash just under his chin, and you won’t look at him, afraid to reveal anything about his own condition to him.

He knows, of course. There’s no chance he’s making it out of here alive, but that won’t stop you from trying. “It’s okay, sweetheart. Get outta here while you can, yeah?” It’s barely a whisper, more of a rasp, a ghost of what his voice once was.

“No. No! How could you ask such a thing of me? Help is coming. I’m not leaving you. I won’t.” Your voice is beyond broken, each word forced out between violent sobs. The creatures responsible for tearing Eddie apart have seemingly vanished into thin air, leaving the world around him now eerily silent, save for Dustin sniveling behind you. “The rest are on their way. We’re gonna get you outta here, okay? Eddie? Baby you can’t close your eyes, keep talking to me…” But your voice quickly fades as his eyes start to flutter.

—

April 1986

“No. I’m not letting you do that.” Eddie turns his back to you, facing the wall. He’s been in bed all day, sulking, in pain, and taking his frustrations out on you.

“Eddie, please. Wayne isn’t home and you need to change the bandages. Please. Let me help you.” You reach for your boyfriend, and he recoils from your touch. It breaks your heart to see him like this, and you know it’s not his fault, but it still hurts your feelings.

An idea comes to you. It’s a risk, it could seriously piss Eddie off. “Okay. Guess I’ll call Steve.” You turn to get up, but you’re stopped by the firm grasp on your wrist.

“Absolutely fucking not,” For someone in so much pain, Eddie is still very strong.

“Will you let me help you then?”

He groans, long and low. “Fine.”

“There. Now was that so hard?”

—

Present Day

Your POV

“Thank you for comin’ out tonight, be sure to catch our show tomorrow night! You know this one, let’s fuck this place up!” Of course, they start in on Master of Puppets, the finale to end all finales.

You can sense Eddie’s eyes on you in your peripheral, burning a hole through the side of your head. When you look at him, he’s beaming, grinning ear to ear as he completely ignores the band in front of him, focused instead on you singing and head banging along. “What’re you all smiley about?” You tease him, nudging his shoulder.

He shakes his head shyly, hair obscuring the blush on his cheeks. “You know damn well.”

You giggle, taking his hand in yours. “Thanks for hangin’ out. I know it’s not easy.” Eddie scoffs, lacing his fingers between yours. “It’s the easiest thing in the world, actually.” You know he’s lying, but it’s nice to hear anyway.

—

The crowd disperses outside, the warm air hitting you as you exit the club. Eddie plucks a cigarette from the pack and offers you one that you take gratefully. Metallica fans do double takes as they walk by the pair of you, some mumbling to their friends about how “That’s Eddie Munson! and Y/n L/n!” You snort as Eddie waves to a group of gawking girls, and you have to hide yourself in Eddie’s chest as one of them trips over their own feet, not paying attention to where they’re going.

“You wanna grab a bite?” Eddie offers, swinging your arm and his as you walk back toward the hotel.

“Yeah, I’m starved.”

You walk for what feels like awhile, your hand never not touching his. Eventually, you happen upon the neon lights of a bar and grille, rock music from twenty years ago buzzing in the cheap outdoor speakers. The place is fairly packed, and you find yourself more anxious than you’d prefer. Eddie must notice your posture change, because he squeezes your hand. You look up at him, and the question is clear in his eyes. Are you okay?

You nod, and squeeze his hand in return before clearing your throat to answer the hostess. “Two, please?”

The girl is young, probably in high school. Her big eyes flick back and forth between you and Eddie a few times as she pops her gum, as if trying to place where she knows you. “Follow me.” She says finally, without any indication that she knows a thing.

“Psh, square.” Eddie whispers, and you have to bite back a cackle. She seats you at the bar, crammed between each other and a stranger.

—

Eddie’s POV

It’s your turn to ask, but you use your words. “Are you okay? Sorry, I mean, is this—“

Eddie shakes his head, halting your anxious ramble. “I’m okay, sweetheart. Don’t worry about me.”

“What can I get ya?” The bubbly bartender appears seemingly from thin air, causing Eddie to jump. “Ope! Sorry, didn’t mean to startle ya! I’m Lizzie, I’ll be your server this evenin’.”

As Eddie overcomes his startled heart, you order a drink for yourself, a soda for Eddie, and an appetizer of soft pretzels. When the waitress whose name he’s forgotten disappears across the bar, you turn to him. “What’s on your mind?”

“Hm?”

“What are you thinking about?”

Truthfully, not much. For the first time in a long time, Eddie’s mind is quiet. “Nothing, if you can believe that.”

Your smile widens, and Eddie feels his chest tighten. Oh, right. There’s always that. Always you. “What about you?”

You shrug. “I’m having a lot of fun with you.” You sound sincere, and without a drop of pity.

“Me, too. A really nice time.”

Bubbly Waitress returns suddenly, almost slamming the glasses on the counter in front of you. “Here ya are! I’ll be right back with those pretzels.”

She leaves, and when Eddie turns his attention back to you, you’re already looking at him, hiding your fit of giggles behind your napkin.

—

Your POV

“I’ll be right back.” You’re about halfway through your meal when your bladder betrays you. Eddie nods, and you push yourself from the stool to locate the restroom.

When you’re finally able to see the door marked RESTROOMS, your path is obstructed suddenly, vision blocked by the chest of a large, solid form of a bar patron.

“Hey honey, you here on your own?” His speech is dreadfully slurred, and you look up to find his lips practically wet with liquor.

Even if you were, what makes this brick think you’d reveal it to him? Oh, right. Probably the alcohol. “No, I’m not. Would you excuse me, please? I need to use the restroom.” You don’t want to make this man angry. Somewhere, deep in your DNA, you feel the need to appear pliant to this man. Because he is a man, one very clearly stronger and more confrontational than you.

“Aw, c’mon. Let me buy you a drink, sexy.” His hand comes far too close to your chest for your liking as he pleads again with you, the rank smell of whiskey tickling your nostrils.

You glance to where your company sits, and find him staring back at you, watching like a dog for signs of trouble. He catches your eyes and you let the tiniest of nods slip. He’s off his feet in seconds.

—

Eddie’s POV

“Hey, baby! There you are.” He approaches with his arms wide, and you latch onto his lifeline. He shoves the giant out of his way with little struggle and wraps his arms around you, squeezing protectively. His heart races as you claw at him, practically shaking as you bury your head in his chest.

“Yo, bro. I was here first.” This guy just won’t quit.

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Eddie turns to face the guy, who’s about two inches taller than him and twice as built.

“You can have a go when I’m done, man. Back off.”

Eddie clenches his fists at his sides, so tightly he’s sure he’s drawn blood. He breathes deeply through his nose to stifle the fire in his chest.

“I’m not interested, asshole!” You spit from over Eddie’s shoulder, and he relaxes the tiniest amount.

“Oh shut up, bitch, you’ll get my dick whether you like it or not.”

He blacks out after that. When he comes to, Eddie is on top of the gigantic man, fist coming down onto his face at full force. Quickly, the guy rolls over to gain the upper hand, and Eddie has no time to react before his nose is crushed by his punch, gushing blood into his mouth.

“Hey, HEY! You two, FUCK OUTTA MY BAR.” The manager is a short, hairy man with a gold chain dangling around his exposed chest. Before Eddie can register what’s happening, three clones of you hover over him, scooping his limp body into your grip to carry him outside.

—

Your POV

“I know. I know! He’s sober. I don’t know why, Steve!” You’re trying to stay quiet as you beg into the phone for Steve to come bail Eddie out of jail. You're at the police station, filing a witness report, explaining in every way you know how to that Eddie is not in the wrong for this.

The cops won’t listen. Of course they won’t. Because “talking to a lady isn’t against the law, ma’am.”

It takes about an hour, but Steve shows up with words from the big fancy lawyers, and that somehow gets Eddie out of shackles. Typical.

Eddie is beaten, badly. His eye is almost swollen shut, turning black and blue at an alarming rate. His face is stained with the blood from his nose and mouth, as well as his white t shirt. You feel your heart crack and spider at the sight of him. The edges of your vision darken when he tries to smile and winces.

—

“What the fuck happened?!” You’re at the hospital. Eddie needs stitches in his forehead, and is being kept overnight to monitor him for a concussion. The ice pack given to him by the police sits melted in his lap. The usually bright fluorescents are dimmed to a hazy glow to accommodate for the time of night.

“Sh, Stevie. Stop yelling.” Eddie covers his eyes with one hand dramatically, reaching the other blindly to Steve’s face.

Steve slaps his hand away before continuing. “I feel like every time you two are together, there’s trouble. I’m starting to regret-“ He catches his tongue when your eyes widen. “Never mind. The guy said he won’t press charges if you don’t, and we gave him a thousand to keep that word. What the fuck were you thinking?”

“Steve, he was harassing me. I needed help, he was too big, he could have killed me.” You speak finally, angry at your friend now. “Eddie was there for me, something I’m pretty sure is your job, Steve.”

Steve gapes at you, speechless.

“It’s okay, Stevie. Don’t feel bad, I was sober. I made this stupid decision without a drop in me. There’s nothing you could have done to stop it.”

Steve huffs. “Well. I’m glad you’re both okay. I just need you guys to keep a lower profile when you’re out so this shit doesn’t happen.”

“Oh yeah, Steve, sorry. I’ll remember that next time I have to piss in public.”

The two of you bicker before Eddie interrupts with his shushing, finger to his swollen lips. “Though I would love to continue this very important discussion, I need to go to sleep.”

“Uh, Ed, I hate to break it to you. You’re not getting sleep tonight.”

Eddie sits up and winces at the pain. “What?”

You nod. “You can’t sleep. Not for awhile, anyway. They’re afraid you have a concussion.”

“Well, shit.” He groans, opening his eyes. “Now what?”

“We can keep you awake?” You offer, and Steve seizes the opening.

“We’ll do it in shifts. Y/n, take a nap first. I have to talk to Eddie anyway.”

—

Eddie’s POV

He doesn’t have the energy to fight with Steve, so he watches you exit the room with a small wave to him, and a quick hug for Steve.

“Seriously?” Steve places himself at the end of the bed. “You willing to risk everything for that? For some macho guy pissing contest?”

“You woulda done the same thing for them, for anyone. That guy was a moron.”

“Maybe, but you have a career, Ed. A reputation.”

“First of all, fuck you. I thought you got over that elitist shit after high school. Plus, if anything, I’m proud to have that reputation. I don’t take shit from guys like that, I don’t think that’s a problem.”

Steve sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration. “Look, man. I didn’t wanna tell you this, but you’re on thin ice. The label wants to drop you.”

Eddie’s ears are ringing suddenly. He thinks he’s heard wrong. There’s no way. The brute must have punctured his eardrum. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

“I don’t know the details. Your agent called me last week to tell me the executives weren’t happy with all the negative attention you’re getting. If this shit from tonight gets out, you’re almost surely cooked.”

Fuck. Fuck! “What are the chances of that happening?”

Steve shrugs. “Was anyone taking pictures?”

Eddie tries to remember. He remembers the song playing, I Can’t Live With You by Queen. He remembers the guy smelled like cheap beer and thick body spray. He remembers the fear in your eyes before he came over to you. He remembers the anger. Then nothing. “I don’t know.”

“Then I don’t know either. Guess we’ll have to wait and see.”

—

Your POV

You wake to Steve standing over your makeshift cot. “Hey, I’m gonna get back to the hotel. You okay to keep him awake?”

Your eyes wander to the clock above the door. 3AM. Shit. “Yeah, yeah I’m good. You sit up, squinting even in the dim light of the room. Eddie’s eyes are seemingly focused on the pages of a lifestyle magazine.

“Okay. I’ll see you later. Love you.” He places a kiss on your forehead.

“Bye, Stevie. Love you too.”

He exits after saying goodbye to Eddie, the door closing quietly behind him. “Alone at last.” Eddie teases, patting the bed next time. “Doubt it’s any more comfortable than the cot.”

You shrug, dragging your sluggish body into the small hospital bed, under the paper thin blanket barely big enough for one of your legs. “God, I don’t think you need me to keep you awake, this shit is so uncomfortable.” You squirm around trying to get cozy without imposing on Eddie, but he seems to catch on. He stretches his arm around your shoulders, pulling you in to lay on his chest.

“This okay?” He asks, voice hoarse with sleep.

“It won’t be if I fall asleep. What use will I be then?” You don’t bother lifting your head to speak, you can feel your eyes closing against your will.

“Guess I’ll have to keep you awake to keep me awake.”

“And how do you plan on doing that?”

You feel him shrug. “Tell me a story.”

“What?”

“Y’know. A funny story, a happy anecdote. I like hearing you talk.”

You debate arguing, but ultimately decide you owe him at least this much for taking such a beating. You think for a minute, what you could possibly say to Eddie to both keep him awake and entertained.

“Did I tell you about the time I met Bono?”

“What?!” Eddie cackles, shifting so he can look at you. “You’re lying.”

“I promise! I was in Boston, 1981. My dad took me to their concert at this tiny club called The Paradise. It was one of their first shows in the states, so they could play a teeny tiny venue with no issues.” You recall the night as you tell the story. Your dad had gotten tickets from a work friend, and he knew you were a huge fan at the tender age of thirteen. “We ended up running into him at the bar, and I had no idea what to do. I just kinda poked him.”

“Poked him?” Eddie’s bewildered.

“Yeah, like,” You playfully poke Eddie in his arm. “Poke. That’s it. Didn’t say a thing.”

“What did Bono do?”

You shrug. “I don’t remember. I think he just laughed it off, maybe said something to my dad.”

“Why’d you poke him?”

You shrug. “No idea.”

Eddie laughs, and you giggle with him. It’s such a stupid event, but it does the job of keeping Eddie’s eyes open.

—

The sun streams through the blinds of the stale, gray hospital room, rousing you from sleep. Sleep?! Shit! You wake up frantically, only to realize the bed is empty. “Eddie?!”

The toilet flushes, and you hear the faucet start. Okay, so he’s awake, that’s good.

Eddie exits the bathroom wiping his wet hands on his hospital gown. He’s put his jeans on underneath it, as if afraid you’d see his naked ass. The thought makes you blush. “I’m so sorry, why didn’t you wake me?”

Eddie sits back down on the bed, swinging his leg up and around you, locking you between his thighs. “You looked so peaceful, I couldn’t bring myself to. ‘s okay, I stayed up.” He shrugs. “Doctor said I was good to go, I was just waiting for you to wake up.”

—

Eddie’s POV

Steve is parked on the curb outside. He scowls at Eddie when he enters the passenger seat, leaving you to climb into the backseat. He’d usually let you ride shotgun, but he volunteers to take the brunt of Steve’s lecture. “Lay it on me, big boy. I know you wanna.” At first, Steve says nothing, stewing in his own frustration, chewing the inside of his cheek as he peels out of the parking lot.

“Y’know,” He starts after agonizing minutes, “I think I said my piece. I’m not pissed, if that’s what you mean. I know why you did it.” He lowers his voice so you can’t hear him over the music in the back, “I would do the same for them. For you, for anyone here. But you gotta remember who you are.”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” He doesn’t want to argue, and his head is still throbbing, but Steve just knows how to light him up.

“It means you’re famous, Eddie! Like it or not, people know who you are. They like you, love you even! You can't beat up random guys in bars anymore. Not if you wanna keep your job.”

“What if I don’t want to keep my job?” He bites without thinking, but there’s a truth to his question. What if?

That catches Steve off guard. “What?”

“What if I wanna quit? Y’know, be normal, do normal guy things? I could work as a mechanic, move somewhere nice with the money I did save. What then?”

“Is that what you want?”

“I don’t fuckin’ know, Steve.”

He blows a breath through tight lips. “Well, you’ll have time to think about it. After this week, the leg is over. You get four weeks to do whatever you want before we hit New England and Canada. Give you some time to figure your shit out.”

This hits Eddie like a brick to the skull. A whole month of no touring. Where is he supposed to go? He can’t bear to face Wayne and Hawkins again yet, and Boston is way out of the question if you’re there. You. What are you gonna do? Do you even know about this month off? You probably do, you pay attention to those things, while Eddie barely knows what day of the week it is at any given point.

What is a month away gonna do to the progress he’s made with you? You said you needed time, but space, too? He’s starting to panic.

“Earth to Edward?” Your voice calls him back to the present.

“Hm?”

“Food. You want?”

“Oh. Uh, yeah, sure.” He shoves the cloud of dread out of his brain for now, and follows you and Steve into the diner.

—

a/n: believe it or not, the bono story is true, but it happened to my dad when he saw U2 in Boston in ‘81. My dad poked Bono. Not sure why, but he did!

tag list: @children-of-the-grave @five-bi-five @wiildflower-xxx @beebeerockknot @champagne-glamour @xxgothwhorexx @therensistance @chonkzombie @brxkenartt @sidthedollface2 @bibieddiesgf @gaysludge @eddiesguitarskills @littlepotatobeansworld @poisonedluv @kellsck @m-chmcl-rmnc @veemoon | send a message to be added or removed🫶

[reigningqueenofwords]

I love Her

Pairing: Bruce x Reader Word count: 2,349

Read on AO3

Part 7 of Without Me

Bruce stayed up late that night, sitting in the back yard as you slept. Hearing the backdoor, he looked over his shoulder to see your sister.

“Couldn’t sleep?” Nicole held a mug of tea. 

“No.” He shrugged. 

“Same here.” She sat besides him. “I’m not much of a sleeper anyway.” She looked up at the sky.

He fought to roll his eyes. “I think I had too much caffeine. Didn’t want to wake up Y/N.” He told her. “She didn't sleep much the last couple weeks of school, she deserves to catch up.”

“That’s nice. She’s always been like that.” She nodded. “Always school this, school that. Yet she nearly failed junior year.” 

“I know.” He said simply. “She told me.”

She nodded. “Rough year for her.” 

Bruce let out a half chuckle. “Heard she had some bullies.” He glanced out of the corner of his eye at her.

“She claims, yeah.” She nodded. 

“I believe her.” He shot back.

She raised her eyebrows. “I didn’t see it. But I understand.” 

Bruce was tempted to call her out. “High school was okay for you then?” He asked. 

“It was pretty good.” She hummed. “How was yours?” 

He chuckled. “You can guess.”

“Mr. Popular I’m sure?” She grinned. “I can't see you any other way.”

“Well, once I started dating your sister, I changed. For the better.” He said proudly. 

She hummed. “That’s sweet.” He felt as if she didn't mean that in a sincere way. 

“I wanna marry her one day.” He nodded, hoping to get the message across. “I've never wanted a family, and now I can't wait.”

“So young?” She looked at him. “You don't want to have fun?”

“I am. With her.” He said easily. “Everyday has the chance for a new adventure.”

“Sounds like you’re cuffed.” She scoffed. 

That did him in. “Sounds like you're jealous. She told me about her ex boyfriend when she was 16.”

As you walked together, you shook your head, chuckling. “I love the relationship you have with your mom.”

He smiled. “Wasn’t always that good. I was a dick in high school.” He admitted.

“You mean a brat?” You nudged him playfully.

He laughed. “Probably, yeah. I hated classes.” 

You nodded. “Yeah, I, uh, skipped a lot when I was 16. For about a month… It was hard to make me go.”

He kissed your hand. “It’s not for everyone, yeah?” 

“It wasn't school I had an issue with.” You admitted, deciding to tell him about your sister.

He frowned. “Asshole girls?” He pulled you close. 

You sighed. “My sister.” You breathed. “She slept with my boyfriend when I wouldn't. And...and now she has her eyes on you…”

He stopped walking, frown deepening. “That’s a crappy thing for regular people to do. Let alone a sister.” He shook his head. 

“It is. It took me a long time to even tolerate her.” 

He hugged you. “I’m sorry.” 

You hugged him back. “Don't be. I trust you.”

“Thank you.” He lifted you, nuzzling to your neck. “I love you so much, babe.”

“I love you, too.”

“Of course she did. They were never official.” She shook her head. “So I did nothing wrong.”

He clenched his jaw. “I see.” He was getting angry. 

“Besides, She always had crushes on my boyfriends first.” She defended herself.

“Right.” He grunted. “Because that's the same as sleeping with them.” He got up, stretching. “Whatever. I'm headed to bed.”

She snorted. “Guess I thought you were different.” 

“What, did you think I'd cheat on her?!” 

“I didn’t think you’d be up her ass.” She stood. “Not the Bruce Wayne I've heard about.”

“I’m actually proud to hear that.” He shook his head. “Really proud.” He gave her a once over that was close to disgust before walking back in. He just wanted to hold you. He couldn’t believe he’d been in that position. He couldn't believe your sister pulled that.

He hurried upstairs to your room, sighing. He paused in your doorway, feeling overwhelmed with love. He grinned to himself as he watched your silhouette. All he could hope for was to be able to hold you for the rest of his life.

He kicked off his shoes before practically diving into the bed. His arms felt like they were made to hold you.

“Mm, Bruce?” You mumbled, mostly asleep as you cuddled him. 

“Just me, babe.” He kissed your head. “Stay sleeping.” he smiled when you made a content noise. He knew instantly that you were it for him. With the thought of you being a Wayne, here drifted off.

You yawned as you woke up later that morning, groaning as the sun hit you. Rolling over, you buried your face in Bruce's chest.

He chuckled. “How am I the last one in bed and the first to wake up?” 

“You're comfy.” You smiled.

“Compliment taken.” He grinned. “Sleep well?”

“Very.” You kissed his chest. “You?” 

Bruce nodded, but decided to be honest. “Despite the...chat with your sister, yes.”

“Chat?” You woke up instantly. “What did she say??”

“Not much.” He rolled his eyes. “But I’m sure that was the moment when she tried to make a move on me.” He scoffed. “Let's just say I hope she won't be your maid of honor.”

You sighed heavily. “Doubt that. For sure now.” You rolled to your back. “Tell me what she said.”

“She wasn’t direct at first, just asked about high school, then I told her I heard about your ex-boyfriend. She got so defensive.” He explained. “Tried throwing you under the bus.”

“Sounds about right.” You sighed. “So much for growing up.”

“You’re way more grown up. And coming from a man child that should say a lot.” He kissed your temple. “I will be respectful towards her, but I can't say I like her.”

“Story of my life.” You squeezed his hand. Letting out a sigh, you closed your eyes. “Thank you for believing me.” 

Bruce cupped your jaw and made you look at him. “Always.” He kissed your nose. “I don’t like girls who through themselves at me anyway.” He smiled. 

“I was perfect then.” You smirked. 

He laughed. “Still are.” He tickled under your shirt. “So are.” He breathed. “I was thinking about us taking a detour on our way back?”

“Mm, I like the sound of that.” You nodded. “Did my wonderful love have anything in mind?”

“Private resort? Anything you want. Anything!” He chuckled. “Laid back, adventurous, roughing it, whatever.”

“Hmm.” You rubbed a pattern on his side. “Someplace we don’t have to leave each other’s side hours at a time?” You chuckled. “I'd love that.”

He thought for a moment. “Camping? And amusement park?”

You nodded. “That’d be nice.” You agreed. “How about an amusement park? So we don't have to go out and get all the camping gear right now.”

He nodded. “Good point. Disney?” He asked if it was nothing. 

That got you excited. “Yes! I haven't been since middle school!”

He grinned. “It’s decided then.” He said happily. “I get to spoil my girl at Disney World!” He sang. “And get all the pictures!”

You laughed. “I have a dork of a boyfriend.” You grinned. 

“Matches your dorkiness perfectly.” He nudged you. “We go together like peanut butter and jelly.”

“Which one are you?” You smiled lovingly at him. 

He pretended to think. “Peanut butter, because I’m so smooth.”

You snorted then busted out in giggles. “Oh, that’s priceless!” You lost it.

He beamed at you as you held your middle. “I'll never get tired of that sound.”

“Especially because you’re funny as fuck.” You laughed. Soon, his laughter joined in with yours. 

He began tickling you soon after, making you squeal. Your door opened, your brother staring at the two of you. “You guys are weird.”

“We sure are, bud.” Bruce beamed. “What’s up?” He let up on the tickling, allowing you to catch your breath.

You sat up and clutched your chest as your brother walked in. 

“Breakfast is ready!” He announced. “Mom made it!” He grinned.

“Oh. Then it’s good.” You commented. “Mom is the best cook.” You told Bruce. “We’ll be down in a second.”

“Okay. Hurry though!” He said excitedly. With that, he bolted out of the room, and you could hear him going down the stairs.

“He likes you so much.” You said fondly. You smiled over at him. “He’s not gonna want you to go.” 

He shrugged. “Then how about we bring him to Disney, give your parents a rest?”

“You ready for that?” You raised your eyebrows. “Dealing with hyper pre-teen in the happiest place on Earth?”

He shrugged. “I’m a hyper pre-teen sometimes.” He assured you. “Besides, he'll wear himself out.” 

You blinked at him, completely surprised he’d offer. “You amaze me daily, Bruce Wayne.” You said, love in your voice.

He smirked. “Well I can’t have you bored .” He teased. “I don’t want to lose you over boredom.”

“Never. Bored and Bruce don’t go together in the same sentence.” You hugged him close. “I think that word went out the window when you were born.”

“I’m sure my parents would agree.” He laughed. “I’m pretty sure my dad is half thankful I’m an only child.” 

You snorted. “I believe that.” You leaped off the bed as he went to tickle you. “Ha!” You stuck your tongue out at him.

He laughed hard and reached out to you, managing to tangle himself in the comforter. That made you laugh even harder. 

“I need to take a p-picture!” You held your middle. “I have to have this memory forever!” 

“Ugh.” He reached for your legs with a grin But was just out of reach. He draped halfway off your bed, his hands on the flood.

You snorted in laughter and reached for his phone which was closer to take a few snapshots. “I’m so sending this one to your mom!” You managed, hardly breathing at the moment.

“Babe!” He whined, using grabby hands before face planting slightly. “Why?” He asked, although you could tell he was slightly amused, as well.

“Because you’re a mess!” You giggled. “And adorable!”

He whined. “But baby!” He looked at you. “This is a private moment!” He tried.

“Not anymore!” You beamed. You showed him the text that you sent his mom. “Just one. I promise. Besides, I need all the brownie points if you want me to be a Wayne, right?”

He immediately let you win at that. “You got me there.” He nodded. “She loves you anyway, though.” 

“Even more, now.” You sang. You looked at his phone as it went off, his mother replying. Your laughter bubbled up again. “It’s her new screen saver!” You beamed, and he couldn't help but smile back.

“You’ve so won her over.” He said happily. Moving so here could sit up, he reached out and grabbed your shirt, pulling you close. “I’m so in love with you, it’s gross.” He smiled. Bruce rested his hands on your hips.

You giggled and nuzzled into his neck. “So gross.” You teased.

He laughed and squeezed you. “You’re so getting it later for this though.” He told you, giving your backside a playful pat.

“Does it look like I mind?” You sassed. “Because I don’t think I do.”

He threw his head back a little. “I doubt you do, too. Now go get some pancakes.” He smiled. “I'll be right there.”

You pecked his nose. “Hurry so your mom can tease you.” With that, you made your way out of your room.

He chuckled and watched you go, sighing happily. Bruce flopped back, a silly grin on his face. Hearing footsteps, he thought it was you. “That was fast, babe.” 

“Not hungry.” Nicole replied, straddling him.

“What the fuck .” He hissed, trying to sit up. “You got.some nerve! Get the hell off me.”

“Oh Bruce. Why do you fight against the idea of us?” She sighed. 

He shoved her to the side. “Because I fucking love your sister!” he got up, glaring at her. “Way more than you, apparently!” He was livid. “What is WRONG with you?”

She huffed. “We have great chemistry! I don’t know what’s wrong with you!” She countered. 

He grabbed the closest shirt to him and pulled it on. “It's called being a good boyfriend. At least I'm not a slutty sister.”

She gasped, clearly offended. “You must not have high masculinity to turn away this!” She motioned to herself. 

“Don't flatter yourself.” He scoffed. “I hate that you’re ruining our time here.” He began walking away. 

“Don't you walk away from me!” 

“Watch me.” He seethed, storming out, jogging down the stairs. “My god.” He huffed. Reaching the dining room, he sighed. “Babe, can we talk for a moment?”

You raised your eyebrows, setting down the syrup. “Of course.” Getting up, you wondered what happened.

He crossed his arms as the two of you went to the sitting room. “Your sister just tried sleeping with me.” He told you.

You dropped your jaw. “It wasn’t even five minutes!” You hissed. “What the hell did she do??”

“Just came in and plopped down on my lap!” He huffed you. “Made it seem like I'm in the wrong for not ‘wanting’ her. I called her a slut, basically.”

You huffed. “She deserves that.” You shook your head. “I cant believe her.” You were just as upset, probably more so. “That’s creepy, too!” You were shaking you were so upset. 

“Everything okay?” Your mom asked, peeking in.

You looked down and shook your head. “Nicole disrespected Us. Twice now.”

She frowned. “Oh, sweetheart…” She came in. “What did she do?”

“Practically harassed Bruce!” You told her. “She tried sleeping with him last night, and then right after I came down stairs this morning, she went in my room.”

“That’s...not classy.” Your mother winced. “That’s not how she was raised, either.” She shook her head. “I’m so sorry, Bruce.” She sighed. “There’s no excuse for this.” 

He shrugged. “You have nothing to be sorry for.” He promised her.

[kendallroydefender]

Somewhere only we know- Chapter 8 (Kendall Roy x Reader)

Masterlist

Series summary: You met Kendall when you were six years old. You have spent every summer together and now years later you and him are still just as close.

This story follows Kendall and his best friend through their lives. Will they realize their feelings for each other before it’s too late?

Chapter four summary: Your family is invited to England for Shivs wedding. Even though the bear hug is going on, you and Kendall find some moments just for the two of you until something changes.

Authors Notes: I am so sorry! I’ll make it up to you sooooon

Wordcount: 4.5K

You meet Kendall at the airport. He’s already in the jet when you walk in. It’s just him and Jess. Everyone else takes their own private jet but Kendall had asked you if you wanted to come with him and you had happily accepted. You like Jess a lot too.

He has to do some work things and so do you. You know about the bear hug so he stays in the area of the plane with you while making calls and you answer emails on your laptop.

After a few hours you shut your laptop and cuddle back into the seat, Jess went to bed hours ago. You eye Kendall for a bit. He notices you looking ”Hey.“

”Hey.“ you smile back at him

”What?“ he asks

”Nothing, just happy you and Stewy have each other.“ you

”Yeah, well I’m glad we have you too.“ he answers you

”I’m glad to have you too.“ you grin and he grins back at you before beckoning you over to him

”We should sleep a bit.“

You cuddle up in his arms, head resting on his chest. He presses a kiss into your hair. You think 'I love you.' but don’t say it. Instead you move your head and press a kiss onto his cheek. A little too close to his mouth and Kendall holds you a little tighter. He hopes you don’t notice his heartbeat increasing. His fingers draw shapes onto your back and you feel incredibly happy in this moment. You hope the wedding will be nice for the two of you, his father isn’t there anyway.

When you wake up it’s close to landing and you freshen up in the bathroom really quick. A car is already waiting for you when you get out of the plane.

The drive over to where the guests will stay your head rests on his shoulder while Kendall is talking to Stewy, who will arrive in a few hours. He’s absentmindedly playing with your fingers while talking.

You get the keys to your rooms. Your bags will be put in your place without you, so you follow Kendall to his room. He keeps your hand in his the whole time, not caring who sees. You collapse on his bed, still tired after the long flight even though you’ve slept on the private jet. Kendall lays down with you until he gets a message from Stewy that he has arrived and want to meet him at some pub. You groan when Kendall gets up

”Sorry, honey. I’ll be back soon.“ he says in a low voice. Putting on his jacket and kissing your forehead softly before leaving. You drift off with a smile on your face.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••


You decide to drive separately to the rehearsal dinner, you’re coming with your family and he has to attend the church with his family beforehand to go through everything. You get ready for the evening. Its cold and grey out. You aware that Caroline somehow talked Shiv into doing the wedding here but you wish it could be somewhere warm.

You arrive with your parents at the location for the rehearsal dinner.

”Shiv, Hey!“ You give her a hug.

You talk to her for a little until a woman pulls her away to go through some details. Next you meet Roman who introduces you to an absolutely stunning woman called Tabitha. You talk for a little while until you spot Kendall. ”Excuse me.“ You smile at the curly haired blonde and make your way over to your friend.

”Hey, you.“ you smile while you are becoming more and more aware about how pathetic it is that you can’t go long without gravitating back to Kendall. He smiles back at you

”Dude, did you actually take Honey as your date for the wedding?“ Stewy asks his friend with a grin

”No, uh, no. We just both didn’t take a date.“ Kendall shrugs, it’s no big deal and doesn’t have to mean anything. Although he is glad you didn’t took some guy with you. He can’t deal with another Martin.

Stewy raises a eyebrow at him ”But you did come here together, right?“ he

”Yeah. But that’s just whatever.“

”So you haven’t asked her out?“

”Uh-huh, no I didn’t.“

He hasn’t told anyone about it but he actually is thinking about asking you out on a real date. It’s not a set plan yet but he thinks it could be a start. He has more confidence in not ruining your friendship with it these days. He has noticed that you don’t behave like just friends in the last months. Maybe Stewys words finally gotten to him. He wants to take you out to the best restaurant in New York City, no the best in the whole world. He wants to do something big for you. It has taken you such a long time to get here he can’t mess it up again.

Lately he thinks a lot about college when you two started to sleep with each other and he can’t help but ask himself how his life would look if you had come together back then. He had ran back then, not wanting to lose you by admitting his feelings. But history is history and he has the ability to change the future of you two now.

You sit next to him for the meal. The food is really good but that was predictable. You tell Kendall about some ridiculous client you had to deal with at work and he’s laughing. It feels almost careless and you love seeing the sparkle in his eyes. That’s until he overhears Shiv talking behind you in a quiet moment.

”Who’s coming?“ Kendall asks turning around to his sister

”Dad. And Marcia.“ Shiv answers him

”Wait- Dads coming… here?“

You swallow the soup while watching Kendall get up and follow his sister. You bite your lip, it could have been such a peaceful weekend.

Kendall takes his jacket muttering a little ”I’ll text you.“ To you to wich you give him a small nod.

Its evening and you still havent seen Ken for a while. He had sent you a message letting you know that he will be back for the party.

Toms parents tell you about the wine they bought and you tell them its delicious.

”Nate! Oh my god! Its been ages“ you tell him when you see him at the bar. You give him a hug. ”Hey, y/n.“ he greets you with a genuine smile. ”Wow it’s good to see you. Heard you work for the governor now, look at you!“ you tell him and he chuckles ”Yeah who would have thought huh? From partying in Shanghai to this. But you seem to do well too!“ you two reminisce about your times in Shanghai for a while and it’s nice to catch up with him.

You tell him to see him later and make your way away from the bar. You turn a corner on the way to the toilet. You run into the end of what seems to be a fight between Rava and Kendall. She seems angry as she leaves the scenes

”Hey, everything okay?“ you ask cautiously ”Yeah, I’m fucking fine.“ he says and you back off a little hearing his angry tone. ”Sorry… sorry.“ he says after a second, his hand giving your arm a squeeze. ”She was just trying to rile me up.“ you can tell that he’s high and you can imagine what their fight was about. You hum a little. ”Wanna go somewhere else for a moment?“ You ask him trying to get him into a quieter spot. He nods ”Yeah okay.“ You tell him to wait for you because after all you have to pee. When you open the door Kendall is nowhere to be seen. You huff out a breath but find him around the next corner talking to Frank and Gerri.

It’s dark when you step outside the venue. ”Do you- uh do you think it can work? Be honest.“ Ken asks you and you give him a look, he looks tired and a little stressed. ”Yes. I think it could. You and Stewy can do it. But it’s- it’s risky. But also I’m not a business freak like you so what does my opinion matter anyway.“ you smile a little ”Honey, you’re opinion always matters to me.“ he tells you and you are glad it’s dark so he can’t see you blush. He studies your face for a bit, there’s a strand of hair that has fallen on your cheek, he reaches his hand out to tuck it behind your ear. Your eyes snap up to meet his. He thinks it’s now he should ask you out. He opens his mouth but before he can speak he hears footsteps approaching.

”Any of you kids have a cigarette I can have?“ Caroline.

Kendall removes his hand from where it’s lingering on your cheek to get his pack out of his suit pocket.

”Yeah, uh, one moment.“ he notices that you still haven’t stepped away from him and he finds that he doesn’t want you to. So he pulls you a littler closer with his arm on your hip as he takes a drag. In the distance you can hear the faint sound of an helicopter approaching.

”Your father is making a subtle entrance I see.“ She says and you chuckle a little wich the elder woman notices and smirks at you

Logan and Marcia arrive and you stand beside Kendall, his hand ghosting over the small of your back. You spot Stewy talking to Logan before Logan makes his way over to you.

”Kendall.“

”Dad.“

”So, what about it, son? You want to jump out the trenches and play a game of soccer? Can I bring you some corn to get you through the winter?“

Stewy and you meet eyes, it’s the same slightly worried look only you two understand.

”How ya doin? Whats the news?“ Logan asks

”Oh keeping busy.“ Kendall answers

”You need a reference for your resume? Relatively punctual. Prone to bouts of insubordination.“ Logan asks and you have to fight the urge not to scoff

”Yeah, well, you know.“

“So… how long are you gonna fuck about on the outside?“

”Uh-huh. You recruiting? What, new head of being continually thwarted?“

”How would TV network suit you? Huh? One of the big guys when I land it. Could that work?“

”You feeling the heat on your own? Yeah? A little? You want me back? Like to uh, like to put that on a press release?“ Kendall asks

”Im just a lovely guy.“ Logan says before he walks off, as soon as he’s off you mutter a small ”Asshole.“ To wich you get a small chuckle from Ken.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

”Caroline Collingwood. Mother of the bride.“ Caroline interrupts your and Stewys talk ”Oh hi, im Stewy.“ He introduces himself ”And is this your date?“ she asks turning to Stewy, who chuckles a little. ”No.“ you shake your head with a smile as Stewy introduces himself. Wich is funny considering they’ve met multiple times before.

”So how long do you give it?“ She asks and you smile at Stewy in anticipation, he throws you a side glance before answering ”Uh I’d say forever. Or until Shiv goes away for the week, whichever comes first.“ He answers before walking off with you.

”You should take me as your date for this wedding. Maybe that would get Kendall to make a move.“ Stewy jokes ”Fuck off.“ you smile ”Jealousy works wonders.“ Stewy shrugs.

”Gonna talk to Ken quickly… about the thing.“ He tells you. You find him on a couch They talk about Frank and the Canadians. You only half listen - only when Stewy calls him the little prince you come back into the conversation. You laugh remembering his old nickname. ”Aw we should start calling him that again.“

”Yeah absolutely not.“ Kendall dismisses quickly

”Still cant believe you’ve never told me about that name when we were little! I had to find out in fucking college!“ You say with a laugh

”You shouldn’t have known it at all.“ Kendall says with a glance at Stewy.

”How could I keep this title a secret?“ Stewy shrugs

The evening is coming to an end. Guests are going up to their rooms. You are sitting with Kendall, who can tell that you’re getting tired.

”I, uh, I’m gonna meet the sibs but you can go to my room. I’ll- I’ll come soon“ he says

You smile at him, your chin resting in the palm of your hand, eyes wandering over Kendall’s features. You nod a little ”Okay, yeah.“ he grins back at you then, his heart beating a little faster. You get up and he wraps his arm around your shoulders, yours sneaking around his middle as you lean into him. You walk like this until you reach the elevators, there you part.

It’s later when Kendall comes back to his room. He smoked some weed with his siblings and it felt good, normal, like it did when they were teenagers. He takes off his clothes before coming to the bedroom. He lingers in the doorway. You are asleep in the bed, the moonlight hitting the side of your face perfectly. You look absolutely beautiful and he feels like his heart could burst.

In the morning you have room service in Kendalls room. It’s a few hours until the wedding ceremony and Ken has to leave even earlier to meet with Stewy to work out the details.

You quickly walk over to your room to meet your styling team and get ready.

The first people you see once you arrive at the venue are Rava and the kids. Rava says your name before telling you how good you look. ”Thanks, but wow you look so good too!“ you exchange some small talk before Sophie and Iverson come closer.

”Sophie, you look absolutely beautiful.“ you say as you hug the girl

”Thank you.“ she smiles

”And Iverson you look so handsome in your suit!“ you tell the boy. You walk in with the three of them.

Kendall gives you a nod across the room and you nod back knowing what it means. As soon as he’s out of sight your eyebrows furrow. You are worried how this will turn out.

The ceremony was nice. Not what you wanted for your wedding but well. You can’t help your eyes to drift towards Kendall from time to time. Remembering the conversation earlier where he told you he wanted you to sit with you. You both knew you couldn’t, Shiv would hate that and the press would love. You can’t help your eyes to drift towards Kendall from time to time.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Logan’s speech is first. You sit next to Kendall. With your parents close to you.

”This has been a very memorable day, a day that, well, ill never forget as long as I live. And

I wanted it to be perfect- perfect for Shiv. And it is. No one- no one can ruin this.“ You see his eyes landing on Kendall, who’s hanging his head slightly. You can’t stop yourself and actually you don’t want to stop, you reach your hand out under the table until it finds his. You interlace your fingers with his. He holds onto it as your hands rest on his thigh. Your thumb starts softly caressing his knuckles. The rest of the speech is about how nothing is more important than family. Frank comes over and whispers with Ken. The rest of the speeches go bye without another incident. Your hand is still intertwined with Kendall’s on his lap, now it’s his thumb stroking the back of your hand softly.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

You go outside with Stewy to watch the fireworks. You find it a little too much, a bit tacky to have them at your wedding. Kendall is still nowhere to be found.

Its cold but the show is pretty in the dark sky. When it’s over you turn to your friend while the others filter back into the location.

”Hey, Stewy? Have you seen Ken?“

”No, not in the last hour or so. But we got high and then he wanted more but-“

You stop him

”You got high? Together?“ you ask and Stewy nods as if it’s obvious

”You got high? With Kendall? After- after everything?“

Stewy says your name

”No, fuck you Stewy. Why are you encouraging him? Why are you giving him drugs?“ you ask. You can’t believe it. Stewy knew about Kendall’s struggle, hell he was there while Kendall went to rehab. You knew Stewy was still doing coke, even if he wasn’t addicted but you had always hoped he would support your best friend being sober anyway.

”Oh come on it’s-"

”No, you don’t get to tell me that it’s nothing or that I should calm down or whatever. He’s my best friend and I am allowed to worry about his other best friend giving him fucking coke when he knows what he went through!“ your voice is getting louder now.

”He would have taken it anyway, what does it matter if I’m present?“

You narrow your eyes at him ”Are you fucking kidding me? You where there! You saw him right before he left for rehab! You knew how proud he was on his progress with being sober! I’m sorry that he’s not your coke buddy anymore but you should be helping him! Not make this whole stupid fucking situation worse!“

Stewy is not saying anything and you take a deep breath. ”I thought you were a better friend than that.“ exhausted and disappointed is how you feel. You turn and walk away, shaking your head. You head back out into the main hall. Kendall is still nowhere to be found

Kendall is dancing with Rava and his kids and a small smile breaks out onto your face. You grab a flute of champagne from a tray one of the waiters carries. Stewy doesnt come back to the wedding and you can’t see Nate anywhere either. Connor is dancing with Willa and Roman just left with Tabitha so you can’t do anything except drinking your drink and try to avoid Caroline and Logan.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••

In the morning you wake up in your room you feel like a bus run over you. After a really hot long shower you put on some clothes and a little bit of makeup before you go to eat breakfast with the others. Stewy was still nowhere to be seen but it made sense that he wasn’t here. After the whole bear hug thing. You grab a plate and get some food from the buffet.

”Hey, Y/n have you heard?“ Roman asks you as he steps next to you

”That you haven’t killed anyone? Yeah you told me.“ you answer, he pokes at the scrambled eggs making a "bleurgh“ sound before saying ”No, the waiter. Apparently he drove off a bridge last night.”

Your brows furrow

”Rome, what are you talking about?“ you ask a little confused

”The waiter my dad went off on.“

”Oh fuck is he okay?“

”Well he’s dead.“ Roman says and your head snaps towards him

”Are you serious?“

He acts offended ”Who would joke about such a topic.“ before letting out a high pitched sound.

You go and sit down at an empty table.

Kendall stops at the entrance when he spots you. He thinks about how he had planned out this day, would he have already asked you out by now? He won’t tell you now. You deserve someone who can give you the world like you deserve and definitely not a murderer. He needs to let you go, to let you find happiness with someone else. He doesn’t deserve you anymore.

You sit down with a plate and pick at your food a little when you notice Kendall coming into the breakfast hall.

He looks bad too. As if he hasn’t slept at all. Kendall smiles a little at you before Greg approaches him.

Colin comes and takes him to his father a little after. As they walk past you he stops for a second at your table.

”Can we talk later?“ he asks and you can tell he’s nervous so you nod at him ”Yeah, of course.“

•••••••••••••••••••••••••

”So I’m sorry but I don’t have much time right now.“ Kendall opens the conversation as soon as he comes into the room

”Oh okay. So what did you want to talk about?“

”Actually, uh, I don’t think this is working anymore.“

”What do you mean?“ you ask genuinely confused

”This.“ he gestures between you two ”This friendship.“

You feel like a bucket of ice water has been dumbed over your head

”What? What are talking about?“

”You spoke to Stewy about me, so I, uh I don’t know if I can trust you anymore.“

You are a taken aback by his words

”Are you serious? You don’t know if you can trust me anymore?“ you ask your voice growing a little angry

”Fuck you, Kendall. I’ve never given you any reason to distrust me. I’ve always, always protected our friendship and never in my whole life told anyone anything you’ve told me in confidence!“ you spit at him. He knows that you’re right and he does trust you more than anyone in his life. He just shrugs

”I can’t believe this is happening. There are so many people in this world that aren’t to be trusted but you decided I am the one who gets punished? Even your own family fucks each other up constantly!“

He takes a deep breath because even the thought of saying the words he’s about to say makes him feel like throwing up.

”Yeah, well they’re my family.“ he’s always considered you family too, even closer than that because he knew you were

”Ouch. Okay.“ you just say, it feels like you been slapped.

And Kendall hurts like hell. He needs you in this moment more than ever but he can’t. He can’t pull you down with him. So he just stands there.

He can see tears gathering in your eyes and almost backtracks everything he said but he thinks if there’s one good thing he can do right now, it’s keeping you away from him and there’s no other way than this. Even if he wants nothing more than to hold you. To be held by you. But you need to think that he’s an asshole, to not wanting to speak to him again.

You think this is one of the worst moments of your life, it probably hurts even more than after you found out the truth about Cody. You always thought Kendall would be a part of your life forever. And you have feelings for him now, you are in love with your best friend.

You wipe a tear away before you quickly turn to leave. You don’t want him to see you cry even if he already saw your tears a million times.

You hurry to get out of the room and along the corridors when you run in to someone. The other person is visibly annoyed until he realizes it’s you. ”Hey! Oh honey. Are you okay?“ you hear Stewy ask.

”I-“ you get out before the tears start flowing heavier

”Hey, hey.“ Stewy pulls you into a hug. Some of the bridesmaids walk into the corridor talking and laughing

”Lets get you somewhere else.“ he pulls you into one of the nearby rooms

”Should I get Kendall?“ he asks and you know it’s the only

You shake your head

”No. No, he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore.“

”I’m sure that’s not true.“

You swallow ”He just told me.“

Stewys eyebrows furrow

”He just told you that he doesn’t want to talk to you anymore?“ he has to ask you nod while wiping your eyes

”What the fuck? Listen I don’t know what crawled up his ass today but he will come back. You’re honey and ken.“

He rubs your back a little more until you remember something

”Shit, I came here with him. I need to find my parents.“

”You can come home in my jet if you’d like?“ Stewy asks knowing you probably don’t want to tell anyone else about yours and Kendall’s fight

”Can I?“ You ask and your voice sounds so sad that he can’t help giving you another hug.

”Of course, y/n we’re friends.“

You go back to your room to get your bags and fix your make up a little, you end up washing your face and putting on some big sunglasses. Without seeing or talking to anyone else you slip into Stewys car. Kendall had already left, apparently he went straight to the airport after your talk. Wich you take as a sign that he really doesn’t care about you anymore. You text your dad that you are leaving with Stewy so they know you’re getting home even if Kendall is off to god knows where.

”You’ll be okay. We can go out to eat or watch a movie… or pin a picture of Kendall onto a dartboard.“ he suggests and you have to chuckle a little, wich Stewy counts as progress.

On his plane Stewy has to make some business calls, he is extremely stressed over the failed bear hug situation. You feel sorry for him too, you know him long enough to know that he’s sad about his and Kendalls sudden fallout too. You have some time for yourself, you put on your headphones and listen to sad music. It probably isn’t the best thing to do in this situation but you feel like you need it now. At some point you dose off for some time but you can’t really fall asleep for long.

”Thank you for getting me home.“ you chuckle a little

”No need to thank me. You can always call me honey, okay?“

”Yeah, you can call me too.“ you give him a little smile and hug him. You love Stewy, you’ve known him since college and he’s a good guy even if he gets lost following the money sometimes. But he’s not Kendall and nobody is. You’re sure nobody can ever be as close as he is to you, nobody could ever know you like he does.

As soon as you’re in your apartment you start crying again. You curl into yourself on your bed, you find a shirt of Kendall’s in it. He left it there when he slept here a few nights ago. There are a lot of things of him in your apartment but you can deal with that later. You touch the soft, dark grey fabric with your fingers and pull it towards you. You hold it to your chest. It smells like him. Expensive cologne, a little like cigarettes and something just Kendall. It smells like home. You cry yourself to sleep holding onto his shirt.

[wildlife4life]

WIP Wednesday

Tagged by the always wonderful @prince-buck-diaz before it was even Wednesday for me.

You all know what time it is...NFL Buck! Honest to god I'm not really that close to being done. I keep adding to my notes on what I want to include and now I'm think of doing a paragraph or two for each game day/week, except for opening day because boy do I have plans for that (hint: Madney!) There is so much I want to do for this fic. So thank you all for the continued support and interest. I hope I do it justice. And to help tide you all over for a bit longer, here is another bit that is both comedic and solemn. Enjoy!

“Chimney basically outed me to the team today. So now they all know I’m gay and have a boyfriend.” Eddie tells Buck when he slides into the bed, gently nudging their black coat retriever mix Jade from her resting place next to the man who first bought her home.  She huffs in displeasure and leaps down, padding out of their bedroom, most likely heading to Christopher’s room. His boyfriend quirks an eyebrow, “Outed you? Have you even been trying to hide it? I thought we agreed-“ Eddie groans, “I know what we agreed too, and I wasn’t hiding that I’m gay, but I’m not going around saying, ‘Hi I’m Eddie Diaz from Houston and I only like dick.’” Buck chokes on a laugh, but lets him continue, “I’ve been calling you my partner, no gender attached.  But then there were these girls at this awful country bar and they were being very persistent-“ “And you got annoyed, so you pulled the gay card.” He snorts, “Told them I have a boyfriend and I guess the team overheard, or my voice just carries really well, I don’t know. But anyways we get in the truck and Chimney just blurts out, ‘You’re gay?’ and it was all downhill from there.” Buck is shaking the bed with how hard he’s laughing, “Oh my god, Eddie! He didn’t out you, you did that yourself!” He groans again, burying his face in his hands in embarrassment, “It was such a mess! Hen and Ravi, we’re trying to defend me, and then I snapped at all of them about privacy and then my Captain is giving me an open invitation to team gatherings outside of work, while also inviting you and Christopher. He even tried to show his support by casually mentioning his wife’s ex-husband and his male fiancé. Like what is with straight people name dropping any gay person they know when someone comes out to them. I was nice about it and all. Even said I would come by with Christopher some time, then lied my ass off about the whole group thing not being your scene.  Which is ironic really considering you are literally apart of a large ass group for a job.” His partner has gone quiet beside him, the air around becoming solemn.  Eddie unburied his face and looked over to find Buck wringing his hands together, despondent, and guilty. Eddie’s heart clenched because he knew why. Buck hated how many lies they had to tell, that had Christopher and Maddie and everyone else who knew their secret had to tell, just so he could continue to play out his dream. And it was because of all the secrets and lies that they were all left out on different parts of each other’s lives.

Tagging (no pressure and apologies for extra tags): @elvensorceress @thewolvesof1998 @bekkachaos @transbuck @cowboy-buddie @shortsighted-owl @ebdaydreamer @hippolotamus @911onabc @911-on-abc @alyxmastershipper @thekristen999 @lizzybizzyzzz @monsterrae1 @prostheticknowledge

[realmeganamram]

NEPO BABY

Hey, guys! There’s been a lot of discussion going on lately and I just wanted to clear the air. I totally understand that people think I got my job because of my dad, but I definitely would have still been the Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ even if my dad wasn’t God. Everyone says I would have been the Son of God even if I weren’t the son of God.

Just because my dad is famous, it doesn’t mean I don’t have merits of my own. I am a very good listener, and nice, and I have a bag that has seven million fish in it. I’m pretty embarrassed by D-d—I don’t even really like telling people my last name. When people find out that my last name is Of Nazareth, it just shuts down any conversation. How do they know it’s the same Of Nazareth? What if my dad was, like, Bill Of Nazareth, just, like, a guy with a truck and a snake? Not everyone in my family is famous. What about my mom? She’s a prude and a nobody! Her last name, Mary, isn’t well known at all! Her last name is Mary and her first name is Virgin.

You have no idea—it actually really sucks to have a famous parent. No one believes that I healed those lepers on my own. But now we’ll never know if I could have cured leprosy without the leg up my dad gave me, which is that I am magic and have the gorgeous hair of a horse you hope breeds with all the other horses. Sure, I got all this myrrh as a kid, but that myrrh lasts you only so long. And then you have to work for your own myrrh. And I worked for every inch of myrrh I ever got. Every cubic centimetre of myrrh. Every cup of it. What is myrrh?

I toiled really hard to get where I am. I went to four years of carpenter school. And, no, I don’t have student loans, because, yes, my dad invented wood, but it was still hard. I have hammered my thumbs so many times. One time, I even drove a nail all the way through my hand. It hurt so bad, and I was, like, I hope that never happens again, but then it did! I totally acknowledge my privilege, but let’s not act like other people don’t have privilege, too. I can turn water into wine, but my buddy Eric can turn water into piss. Why aren’t people obsessed with Eric’s dad?

I started from the bottom—I was born and immediately put in a manger. You’d imagine that soft hay would be in there, but no. Do you know what was in there? Four scorpions. Worse than a normal bed. I don’t even technically have my own birthday! I share it with Santa, which is antisemitic.

I’m a really good sport about things. Every time I walk into a Catholic church, there’s a good chance I’ll see myself on the Cross, being crucified. Obsessed with me much? And everyone is obsessed with drinking my blood and eating my body. It makes me feel faint. We have to talk about something else before I fall off this horse. And, before you comment about my having a fancy horse, just know that a lot of people’s dads make them horses for their sixteenth birthday.

I don’t want anyone to feel too sorry for me, but the nepo-baby thing makes me really insecure. People are just so ready to tear you down and say, “You don’t even deserve to have a really popular book about you.” I struggled with impostor syndrome for so long, but then I was able to cure it, because I can cure any disease, because I am magic, because of my dad.

All I can hope for is that, by keeping my head down and just doing the work, my legacy will finally be separate from D-d’s. At the end of my career as the Lamb of God, no one is going to think about my dad. They’ll just be, like, That’s some guy who is a really hard worker and always has, like, a hundred loaves of bread with him for some reason.

Ultimately, it boils down to talent. And I will rest easy knowing that the haters are just jealous. But I will love them anyway. Because I am the most humble person of all time.

[hassedah]

Raphael take care MC who is sick :

Hi! How are you? I hope you are well! ^^

Here is the headcanon with Raphael from the series under sick MC.

I hope you enjoy it!

Take care of yourself and have a nice day ^^

Raphaël rarely gets sick, apart from a few rather annoying migraines. Lastly, since you've been with him he's been coping much better with his migraines, which doesn't mean he doesn't have any pain at all, just that the pain is much more manageable when you're there to look after him. So it's out of the question for him not to be there to take care of you when you fall sick.

He's not the most anxious, which doesn't mean that he doesn't worry, but rather that he manages to get himself together quite easily. Ethan is an excellent doctor, and Aaron also has a very good knowledge of medicine. Let's just say Raphaël can cure a cold or flu without too much trouble and he can stitch up a wound without aggravating it. However, he's less confident in his abilities when you're the one who falls ill. He wouldn't want to risk making you sicker... or hurting you by making a mistake.

You weren't feeling well this evening. Raphaël had got up a little before you to go and wash in the bathroom. You had originally planned to join him as you often do, but you quickly gave up the idea. Your head felt like it was being squeezed in an ever-tightening vice, you were aching all over and your throat was hoarse. You sank back under the warm sheets of your bed, groaning. You had planned to go out for a walk in the forest with Raphaël this evening, but that seemed compromised if you didn't feel better soon. Hoping that you'd get some sleep and feel better, you closed your eyes in search of sleep.

You woke up a quarter of an hour later to the sound of your bedroom door opening. Far from feeling any better, the simple light from the corridor made you groan in pain.

“MC?

-Hmm. You answer weakly.

-MC? Sweetie? Is something wrong?" Raphaël asks you in a worried voice. He strides towards you, narrowly missing hitting a piece of furniture in the process.

“Don't hurry, honey," you mumble in a pasty voice. I wouldn't get very far in my condition anyway...

However, Raphaël soon finds himself sitting on the bed next to you.

“You really don't look well this evening. Your voice sounds very tired, what's wrong?

-I've just got a bit of a headache... and a sore throat too..., you sigh before resuming more sincerely, in fact I feel like I've been working out for hours, I'm aching all over...

-Do you want me to go and get Ethan? Raphaël suggests straight away.

-No... it's fine. It'll probably pass tomorrow. But I'm sorry, we won't be able to go for a walk in the woods as planned. I wouldn't even trust myself enough to go down the stairs without falling.

-Oh, love, he's kissing your forehead gently, it is all right, don't worry about it, we'll go another time. I'd rather you got some rest tonight if you need it. But if you feel that bad, maybe I should go and get Ethan anyway.

-He's probably off to Moondance by now..." you reply with a sigh.

Raphaël lifted his head for a moment to concentrate on the presence in the manor before sighing.

“It is true that I don't feel everyone in the manor... He always has to leave at the wrong moment," grumbles Raphaël.

I think I'll feel better tomorrow," you reply. Really, I just need to rest a bit, it's fine if Ethan isn't here.

-If that's what you want," Raphaël says gently, caressing your cheek, then pauses for a moment before continuing You're burning up, my sweetie... I'm going to go and get you a bottle of water, I don't want you to get dehydrated.

-Okay, I'm not likely to move from here anyway," you joke, taking his hand to kiss it before he leaves.

Raphaël returned just a few minutes later with the bottle of water, sitting down again on the bed beside you before handing it over. You took a few sips and put it on the bedside table. Raphaël kissed your forehead again before asking.

“Do you want me to stay with you? I can take a book up to the bedroom and read with you while you rest. Or can I go and make you a cup of tea too? I'd suggest some music, but I'm afraid that would only make your headache worse. But you can ask me anything you like, I'll do it if it makes you feel better.

I just want you to lie next to me... at least until I fall asleep...”

Raphaël came against you and you snuggled up against his shoulder. He kissed your temple before whispering softly.

"I love you my love, you can rest easy. I'm going to stay with you."

You mumbled faintly as you felt your eyelids starting to feel heavy.

"I love you too. "

[bumblebeerror]

data entry seems like it has to do with computers and i am pretty much akin to a boomer when it comes to that stuff. it's embarrassing, but even excel is enough to leave me stumped. so yeah idk about working with computers a lot.

i can walk around for hours no problem, but i cannot stand still in one position for longer than a minute or two. my legs will literally give out on me and start shaking like rubber. so i can walk and sit, but not stand.

working a shift? you mean like a security guard shift? i don't think i'm physically strong enough to be a security guard, unfortunately. i would not be able to fend off intruders and trespassers.

idk about me being employable because you have to pass a job interview in order to get employed in the first place. i'm telling you now, i would not be able to pass a job interview. i don't have the people skills or conversational skills. i see stories online of people who are much more put together than me failing their job interviews, so if they couldn't make it, i doubt i will.

i can't work physical labour because i'm too weak. i can't work with computers because i don't understand that. i am very good at languages and would work as an english instructor because i know that very well, but because of my terrible social skills i would almost definitely be a bad instructor. so idk.

i really want to learn how to take care of myself, but it's so painfully difficult for me. i'm so bad at it. yesterday, my horrible fear of bugs halted me from making progress. i wanted to cook myself something in the kitchen at 2AM when everybody was asleep, but there was a giant spider on the wall above the microwave, and i was terrified that it would jump on me and start crawling all over me. and a few days ago, there was a centipede crawling on my bed and i literally ran and locked myself in the bathroom for an entire hour because i was so disturbed. i barely managed to trap it with a bowl and i was shaking the entire time. i can't even handle a tiny bug, how am i gonna take care of myself or handle other humans?

and it's fine, it wasn't that long of a wait anyway, take your time with responding. i'm sorry about your car btw :( i hope everything turns out okay for you.

Eh, everything can be learned. Trawl a few Reddit posts about excel and practice a little bit, you’ll be alright. And nah I just mean like any work shift. Most of them that don’t want you to sit down also don’t want you to stand still either, so you’re probably good there.

Hell, you might like something like what I do now, I’m an after-hours janitor for an office. There’s rarely anyone else in the office while I’m there.

Interviews, eh. They suck, and you get denied a bunch, it unfortunately comes with the territory. Necessary evil sort of thing, doesn’t mean you can’t be hired somewhere else. There’s loads of tips for what questions to ask to improve your chances tho.

Everyone’s got phobias, man. I haven’t met a single person who isn’t irrationally terrified of something. Mine’s mostly spiders. I know they’re more scared of me, and I know they’re just doing their job in the ecosystem - doesn’t matter. The idea of them near me makes my skin absolutely crawl. Typically I’m okay so long as I can’t actually see them at least for a little while, but eventually even just cleaning away their webs becomes A Lot. Typically people will understand if you’re nice about it.

Idk if you live in the US, but if you do, you could look into state healthcare - I forgot to mention it before but a lot of them now do over the phone therapy and I think my highest copay is 20$ for dental, the rest are like 1-3$ and most places don’t bother collecting it.

Gotta stop putting limits on stuff you haven’t tried doing a few times man, you’re 20 - barring like, severe disability, you’re at the age where you can turn around a lot of shit you don’t like about yourself if you commit to it.

It ain’t easy or anything - none of this shit is fair, man, I’ll tell you that for nothin. But unfortunately, nobody else is gonna magically fix it for ya either. Comes down to like, you deciding you’d like to enjoy some things even if it’ll be work to get there. I really hope you do find a way.

Unfortunately the car’s too expensive to fix, and insurance won’t pay for it. Double unfortunately, I also can’t afford a new loan payment because I’m only getting about 240$ a month, so my mom and I will have to find one cheap enough that she can cover the loan on it, because my car is backup for when my brothers or my mom’s car breaks down. I just got home from cleaning out all my stuff from it so we could hand it over to the salvage yard. Tbh, I’m mostly sad that I have been slowly outfitting it so that I could camp in it, and the last two summers money’s been so thin I only ever got to take it camping once. Hopefully we’re lucky and find something halfway decent. In the meantime, I’m looking into remote jobs, since it’s getting really clear that I can’t keep doing my physical one.

[sinsandsweetness]

So…. Slight update on the boyfriend.

he’s now Lieutenant Dan, not Hershel Greene anymore. At least he’s finally out of the goddamn hospital. if you don’t get the reference, in Forrest Gump, he has a lieutenant that gets his legs amputated. And his story arc is just so heartbreaking but in the end it’s so beautiful. Gary Sinise’s life was changed by playing that role. Seriously.

anyway, so now I’m kind of processing it. I was already kind of expecting it but it’s different once you are informed.

and now I’m just like… thinking back to how Merle had to cut off his own freaking hand, and how Hershel and then Aaron dealt with their own experiences. Thankfully it’s not zombies here but still.

I wonder if there’s any one shots or stories that deal with that. I guess I should write something but it would be interesting to see something where Rick, Daryl, Merle, or Negan, or even Shane, has to deal with cutting off their own foot, due to a zombie bite or something, and they eventually meet reader, or they’re with her at the time, and they’re worried she won’t accept him because they’re “no longer whole” or something. Heaven forbid someone with a disability has a sex life. I know, it’s not something everyone thinks about until it happens to them. Or a character they love, at least.

thankfully, fandom and fanfiction are a way I can help myself deal with this journey. Boyfriend really does like the screenshots of the good stuff I send him, lol. Yours are a favorite and he enjoys getting them after his physical therapy, which apparently is a bitch and he hates it….

“You’ll have to try harder than that to get rid of me, you know” you told your boyfriend, who was frowning up at you from his bed, bandages wrapping his stump, all the way up to the knee which was hidden under blankets as if he was trying to hide it.

which he was.

“I can’t do this no more.”

“I’ll do it all, and kick your ass too.” You tell him bluntly as you rip off the blankets. “Now, up, do you want me to hold your dick while you pee too?” he scowled at you, but the line in between his eyes had disappeared, and the darkness in his eyes had lightened slightly. He silently pushed himself up off of the bed and turned himself so he was sitting on the edge of the bed, his bare foot resting on the ground.

“I won’t bite, the last guy that bit you paid for it dearly.” You say with a smile as he grunted. You eyed him with excitement, maybe you’d reward him really nicely when he was back in bed, making the effort more pleasant…..

Oh gosh. That will be quite the adjustment I’m sure. I’m glad he’s alright, but definitely sorry that he’s going through another amputation. I hope that his recovery is quick and as easy as it can be. It’s a good thing that he has you as a loving support system💗

And that’s the beauty of fiction/fandom. It’s the best escape for so many people.

I can say I’d love if you wrote something like this. I know in the comics, Rick loses his arm so that’s immediately where my mind goes (because I can’t not think about Rick) but I love how twd normalizes disabilities with all the amputations, Merle, Hershel, Aaron, Lydia, and other disabilities like Connie. It makes the show that much more realistic and relatable. I love it.

[alvisiscrazy]

the demon of the night. (pt4)

TW-blood play, curssing, sex talk, drugs

summary- a cook for Elvis comes to realize he is really more to what we know, he is something outta this world like a book or a fairytale.

I woke up to the phone ringing it was dark out “Hello” I said “Elvis wants you up” Jerry said “What does he want ?” I asked “No clue” He said “Okay, I’ll be up” I said, Elvis only wanted to bother me I bet I went to up to the penthouse Jerry wasn’t at the door again I opened the door silence filled the penthouse I turned around the penthouse nothing is Elvis even here I thought “I brought you a gift” I heard him say “Why is it so dark in here” I said he gotten close to me I noticed his eye change again he looked quite pretty his blue-shine eyes “It’s night it’s supposed to be dark” He said I nod as he stood in front me I looked up at him “What’s the gift?” I asked he handed me a bag I looked in the bag seeing a box “What is it ?” I asked “Open it and find out” He said with a smile I opened the bag seeing the dress I’ve been dying for “What- how’d you know” I said with surprise “I have my ways” He said with a grin “Well thanks gosh now I feel bad for earlier” I said with a smile “Don’t everyone has bad days like you said” I nod it was true “I want you to wear tomorrow night” “I’m working tomorrow night” I said “No, giving you the day off for my show” A free show “Well thanks” I said “I made you a hair and makeup appointment tomorrow as well” He said “Thank you once again” I said looking back into the bag “I will allow you to see Kat again” He said “Great, she ani’t that bad she also has a crush on you” I said giggling “Oh I see, she wants me to get in bed with her” He said chucking “Maybe so” I said he stood for a moment “Well, it’s been a long day I’m tired” He said “Me as well, Thanks for the dress” I said he lead me to the door “Can’t wait to see how the dress will fit” I said “Me to” He said with that devilish smile “Goodnight boss”…. I couldn't sleep I went to the lobby to grab a bit to eat, as I was going to my room I saw Jerry and Elvis walking out the hotel, I went back to my room finally tired I crashed.... I gotten up taking a shower (knock knock) I opened the door to see Elvis with a bag of food "Morning" He said with a smile making his way into my room "Morning" I said "I came to drop off some food" He said "Thanks um you are in a good mood" I said with concern "It's show day of course" He said "Which means you have to be at the salon at 5" "You didn't have to do that" I said opening the bag of food "I wanted to, I have to treat workers right" He said,

After Elvis left I turned on the news to keep myself updated on the killer "Two women drained of blood left on ally way" "Two missing women" something is going on here it isn't like how it used to be, for the rest of the day I stayed in my room watching the news I realized it ins't safe for me to be out at night the phone had rung "Hey, just calling to say dinner is at 7 also Elvis says you can bring your friend" Jerry said "Oh okay thanks" I said ended the line calling Kat "Hey, wanna join me for dinner tonight before the show?" I asked "I thought you are working" She said "No Elvis let me have the day off because the show but he said you are more then welcomed to come" I said hoping she would "Sure, I'll come the show starts at 9 anyway" She said "See you later then" I said ending the line...

The day went by way to fast I headed to the lobby getting in the limo heading to my appointment Elvis had made, I looked in the mirror at the finish product my hair was dyed jet black I can tell it really brought out my features "I love it" I said to the nice lady "I'm sure Elvis will love it" She said with a smile I gotten that funny feeling again... I gotten the hotel Elvis had went to rehearsals I had called Kat to tell her she would come hang with me for a while till dinner "I'm loving the hair” Kat said "You don't think it's to much?" I asked "No not at all it brings out your face a lot more" I looked in the mirror “I can see that" I said... Kat and I gotten ready for dinner I put on the dress that Elvis had got me it fit perfectly I put on my heels doing my makeup diffrent for tonight I put on my eyeliner and lipstick brown to match the dress "Kat you look so hot" I said "No look at you" She said covering her face "Well thank you” I said the phone had rung "You all set?" Jerry asked "I am, Kat had came” I said "Okay great well we all going to dinner so be down in 5" Jerry said "Well do thanks Jerry" I said ended the line "Ready? I said

“Let's go" Kat said we made our down to the lobby seeing Elvis's friends we stood by Jerry I noticed how everyone looked at me I was nervous,We headed to the restaurant getting out everyone rushed to Elvis “Oh lordly he looks so good” Kat said “He does look good” “I told him how you had a crush on him” I said “What he say?” “Nothing but try and flirt he may like it” I said Elvis had heard the whole conversation with strong sense of vampire hearing he turned to look at Y/n looked so beautiful that brown dress fitting her curves just right he thought making his way over to her… Elvis stood in front of me “Are you ready for tonight sir?” I asked “I’m ready I tell ya” He said smiling “Well hello” He said to Kat she stood acting like one of those 50’s girls “Wow um I- I Y/n how can you work for this man without folding for him” Kat said I turned my head so fast “Thank you” Elvis said smiling at her then he looked at me once again “Let’s go on in” He said we followed behind him… Dinner was great we headed back to the hotel I was ready to see Elvis on that stage Jerry told me Kat and I will be right in front I couldn’t wait….The hotel was packed people loved Elvis I was so happy to be here, I watched Elvis in that black suit he looked so surreal he was so beautiful he really could move a crowd I never I thought I’d say this but lord give me one chance with this man he was dripping sweat now singing one of his old songs “Can’t help falling in love” One of his best kown songs I even sung along I looked over at Kat who was in a dazed she loved Elvis I can tell traveling from New York.... The lights had went out leaving everyone including me in shock "Ladies follow me Jerry said taking my hand we went backstage everyone hugging on Elvis telling everyone how great he did he noticed you from everyone he saw the shock in your eyes from what you just watch Kat wasn’t paying any mind a small smile formed on his face he wanted to make Y/n his he didn't care if you worked for him.

After his friends had gave him time to breathe he made his way over to y/n “Enjoy the concert ladies” He asked with a small chuckle “Hell yea we did” Kat said “It was lovely thank you for inviting us” I said giving him a smile I noticed something when he looked into my eyes his eyes were soft with feelings I couldn’t get a grip off but I was willing to find out,Kat and I made our way up to the penthouse for the after party “You know I saw how he looked at you” Kat said breaking the silence “He didn’t look at me like that” I said lying to myself and her “Don’t lie to me, go for it” Kat said “I may be into Jerry” She added “Jerry? He is a good looking guy” I said trying to change the topic, We gotten to the penthouse music was filling the air I loved it I noticed the girl who was here when Elvis snapped on me Kat had slowly made her way over to the mini bar I followed her to keep her sane “I’m alright by myself Y/n” “I wanna make sure I keep you sane” I said with a little laugh “You will I won’t get blacked out drunk not tonight” I ordered myself a drink feeling great I hit the dance floor with Kat “You can dance ?” She said shocked after we got done dancing

Elvis has made his way to the after party he noticed you out of all the girls there he was quickly consumed with fan girls asking questions about him and the amazing preform he had, Y/n and Kat sat with their drinks relaxing enjoy the party “I’m so glad to not be cooking tonight” I said with a small smile “I’m glad you are here would have been lonely” Kat said pouring her a other shot “Yea I’m glad” I said looking around the penthouse seeing girls literally eat Elvis alive I could tell from his facial expressions he wouldn’t to be left alone “Hey I feel bad for Elvis” I said pointed “He should be used to it” Kat chucked “I’m going to take him away from those girls he looks annoyed” I said getting up Elvis noticed Y/n walking over to him with a smile “Wanna go outside?” She asked I quickly nod the girls letting go “See you around ladies” I said giving them a smile I followed closely behind Y/n she had saved me from questions I didn’t want to answer I thank her.

Elvis and I went outside to get away from the crowd getting the night air in our lungs it was so beautiful in Vegas “Thank you for saving me” Elvis spoke softly “No problem just saw that you needed some help” I said chuckling “Oh yea to many questions” He said smiling “The party is good by the way” I said trying to make conversation “You think so? the clean up well be hell” “Oh yea most definitely” I said “I wanted to talk to you about how much your getting paid for all of this” Elvis said “Oh well go on” I said “You are getting way more then any one back at Graceland” He said with a big ol smile “Seriously? Wow um thank you” I said “You are big help around here, without you I’d be eating horrible room service everyday” He said with honesty

Before I could speak Jerry had came out “The girls are here that we invited” Elvis turned to me “Have fun honey see ya around” He said walking inside with Jerry I felt like something stabbed me with a knife why was I feeling this way maybe the alcohol or just the night air I can’t let Kat’s delusions get to me. I made my way inside finding Kat “I’m ready to go” She said “Yea me to” I said “It’s just the cheep booze I’m getting a headache” I nod we left the party “Why didn’t you talk to Jerry?” I asked “I was to scared” She said "Well he isn't that scary he seems like a nice guy" I said "Maybe I'll give him a call, for now I'm going home" Kat said "Well this is my floor, see you around and thanks for coming along" I said waving at her I made it to my room getting ready for bed but gosh I was so horny had to be the air or something... I was fresh out the shower in my robe I turned off the lights and laid in bed I slowy started to touch myself holding my moans in as the best I was to busy playing with myself didn't hear the door unlock I was so close to cumming "Looks like you need a hand" I heard Elvis say I froze in spot I couldn't move "Don't be shy baby" He spoke softly "What- what are you doing in heree?" I said covering myself "I came to check on you, looks to me your doin just fine" He said with a smirk "Can you leave" I said I was so emmbrassed "If that's what you want" He spoke with a devilish tone "That's what I want" I said he nods "You know where to find me if you need a hand baby" He walked out I quickly locked the door behind him and went to sleep.....

(feel free to leave any comments or concerns 🫶🏻)

[regular-lord-reckoner]

since i have started this whole therapy/unmasking thing i have had the worst time getting myself to focus on work and get done what i need to get done

it’s like a switch has flipped and one minute all i ever do is work and try to get caught up on work and stay on top of everything to where now i just had to finish up what i didn’t get done during the week because i just...could not

i even the other day tried to set aside the first half of my day just so i could focus on work and get all the important stuff done, but by the time i finished all the work from yesterday that absolutely needed to be done plus the work for the next day it was almost 2 in the afternoon

still, i stopped and took a break, did a little work out, took a shower, all of that and naturally as i’m like, “see, now we can just take the rest of the day nice and easy and still get everything done without stressing” i see an email that’s like, “oh, btw everyone needs to be logged off by 6:45 pm today, IT needs to do something”

so then i had to scramble to get shit done instead of being able to take my time and ended up getting all stressed out again anyway

i’ve heard a lot of people say that while going through this process they take time off work for a while and i really wish that i could, but i just don’t know how, i already have to be a week ahead on all my charts just to take a week off, i can’t imagine how much work i’d have to do to take two weeks off or even a month

my last vacation was spent being so sick i could barely even walk so i really, really, really could use some kind of break i just feel like i haven’t even had a second to stop and think about it

and on top of that, i think my dad’s getting sicker

one of his doctors is really concerned about his test results lately and wants him to make these urgent appointments with his other doctors for next week so i guess we’ll see what comes of that, i’m hoping it doesn’t end up being, “yeah, so the cancer’s starting to win now, sorry” but we were already playing with borrowed time as is, i guess so i’m just mentally trying to prepare for that

and while all of this is just...happening, yesterday i’m sitting outside trying to enjoy a little sliver of free time, turn my brain off and just not have to think about anything, i hear my parents calling for the dog

and normally that’s not too unusual, sometimes when he’s outside he’ll run a little too far and they have to yell for him to come back, but he always does

this time, though, they just keep calling and calling and calling so i go downstairs to see what’s up and he’s missing. the dog is missing.

i’m trying to ask like, “where did he go missing, did you see him run off? front yard or backyard?” but nobody knows, he just took off while they were outside apparently 

so...awesome.

my mom’s been drinking and my dad’s too tired so i have to get in my car and drive up and down the road looking for him.

i’ve got my windows rolled down, squeaky toy out the window calling his name and trying to lure him to me to no avail

i go back to the house and we spend some more time yelling for him and walking all around the property for him, but nothing

we finally go back inside and something tells me to just check his crate. seems like a long shot, but just check it

so i do and you’ll never fucking believe what i found in there!!!

the dog!!!

the dog we just spent well over an hour looking for!!!!

the dog who was there the entire time just snug in his bed, all settled in for the night

i’m not sure who put him to bed, my dad swears up and down that he didn’t, but my mom clearly had no recognition of having done it, but someone did because i know it wasn’t me and he can’t get himself in there and close it on his own soooooooooooooooooooo

i think she probably did it and with everything going on (plus drinking, of course) she didn’t remember and as much as i’m sure i should be like...i dunno, mad about it or at the very least frustrated i just feel tired

i feel really, really, really fucking tired

everything is so fucking exhausting all the time and nothing ever stops and i just want it to fucking stop

i’m trying to basically re-learn myself and what my limits are for just existing which is so fucking hard because i feel like i don’t know anything anymore

but i think the cherry that really is sitting on top of this bitch ice cream sundae, though, is that i had made a post on facebook a week or so ago, i think, basically just like, ‘hey, i’m autistic’ and this guy i went to high school with messaged me because he just found out too a couple of years ago so did i want to be friends and i was like, “yeah, of course!”

how nice, y’know, someone who’s just been through this process sorta offering a helping hand and i’ve isolated myself pretty badly so sure, let’s make a friend!!

now, maybe i’m being unfair here because i’m clearly going through a lot but i just get the impression that this is exactly like every other time i get randomly approached by some guy i went to school with where it’s like, “hey, i’m having a tough time but you’re a woman so can you take care of me??’

because he keeps dropping all these hints like yeah, he used to have a girlfriend who was really good about helping him understand all this stuff and yeah, it’s just been kinda hard lately and now he’s just sending me videos of what i’m guessing is his kid and i’ve just completely tapped out at this point

again, maybe i’m being unfair and even outright mean, but it really does seem like every single time i’m going through something hard in my life here comes some fucking guy holding emotional baggage in one hand and a baby in the other going, “Hey, do you want to listen to me talk about myself at great lengths while skimming over the things you say and can you also take care of me? Thanks!!”

No!!!!!! I can’t!!!!!!

I can’t, I can’t, I can’t!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can barely take care of me anymore and still have so much other shit on my plate and i have no idea when i’ll ever get a break from any of this, please stop!!!!!!!

i want connection with other people and i know that’s important and i know i should be trying to foster it as much as i possibly can whenever given the chance but i just feel right now like i’m curled into a ball on the floor screaming, “please stop!!!” and yet there are all of these hand continuously reaching out at me and pulling at me and i don’t know what else i can possibly give, i feel so fucking empty

i want to be able to pour back into other people and be fun and generous and kind and all of those amazing things and i have tried to approach this whole thing with a big smile and optimism that does not naturally occur anywhere in my being because i thought maybe if everyone saw how i hard i was trying while trying to be a good sport about it all that maybe the universe would finally give me a fucking break but no!!!

my therapist gave me the warning this week that as i continue on through this process that it’s likely going to get harder simply because the more relaxed and at peace i feel, the more my mind is going to want to go, “okay, hey so now that we’re in a safe place i have some things i’d like to go over with you”

we even discussed what potential sleep meds i might need to go on because of sleep terrors and shit like that, so like...i’m trying to be as brave as i possibly can be about it and put this shit off for the longest because i was so fucking scared of it and now that i’m finally doing it, it’s like, “hey, did you want more bad things? it seems like you want more bad things, is that right? and more responsibility? wait, did you want both or...y’know what, you can have both, how’s that?”

i hate it and i want it to stop

i just want a fucking break, that’s all i want

[agenderarkham]

WHY is the world so mean to me I was supposed to have to work a stupid shitty amount of overtime this week and then get Saturday Sunday off and it was gonna be great bc my whole family is gone for the weekend but my fucking coworker tested positive for Covid so now I get to work even more even shittier hours to cover her ass even tho I don’t even know if she actually tested positive bc literally yesterday she was telling me she had already taken two tests and tested negative on both but she kinda just wanted to call out and take a break