#anyway i feel like im going to cry and throw up
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not to be obtuse but like. why would I want to want things if me wanting them won't change the fact that I can't/don't have them?
like yeah sure I WANT to have sex and date someone but if I can't go out and make new friends and meet people AND no one I already know is interested why would I bother actually wanting it? like.
legitimately? completely seriously. why should I want activities and events and people if I know for a fact they're unobtainable?
#like im never going to have a large dog bcus im never going to have a house or yard so why would i bother trying to plan and want something#why do i bother thinking about sexting and hugging and kissing people when u know that they either dont want me#dont want me like that OR that i know atm i cant put in the emotional effort of getting to know someone#also im going to die one day so why would i bother making new friends and getting more intimate and personal with them#when that would just increase the total post mortem suffering ?#oh perhaps this is an ocd thought actually okay. much to think about.#anyway i feel like im going to cry and throw up
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the picnic table scene
#this isnt going to make sense to literally any of you for a long time and im sorry about that#but FUCK was i writing this morning#man. man man man man Man the motivation Hit#this fic might get done after all...#i need. to go sleep. OUASGAHSAKJSNCADCLSKDVMS;#THEY MAKE ME INSANE THEY MAKE ME INSANE#YALL ALREADY KNOW WHO IM TALKING ABOUT#THEY MAKE ME CRAZY AGH AGH AGH#ok. ok. ill sleep. and we'll see if the scene holds up when my brain is Refreshed#absolutely unprompted#throwing myself to the ground and howling#who do i need to BITE#oh 7 am me we're really in it now#literally getting myself too worked up. im. Emotional. i almost feel like tearing up#if that was something i could do lmao#fortunately crying does not come easily to me but in my heart im like. idk. Sobbing#anyway in order to calm down im gonna go think about something that makes me equally insane#which is the OG reason i designed a butterfly look for howdy. yass!howdy's origins <3#slamming my face through drywall ok bye im off to crazyville where i can catch a layover to sleepytown
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WHOEVER THE FUCK IS RECOMMENDING MED PPL TO GO INTO RADIOLOGY JUST CUS IF THE MONEY, IM GONNA FUCKING gET YOU
#first i had ai dictacting schedules and now the radiologists just thought there was a AHHGGRHHH#YES. YES U CAN MAKE MONEY GOING INTO RADIOLOGY. BUT DO NO T. JU ST. GO INTO IT. for the MONEY#MEDICINE IS FKING PAIN BCS BUSINESS IS A PAIN & PPL ARE IN PAIN & PPL ARE A PAIN#like it is Very. ppl orientated it's FKING MEDICINE and even if ure a vet or whatever theres obvs usually humans attached fo animals#so like u might not always be dealing with the ppl but ur coworkers who are also being directly accounting#for the ppl SURE AS HELL DO#like yea ppl die all the time but ure telling me u dont gaf when u couldve done something to stop a LIFE#a HUMAN LIFE that was DEPENDING ON U just doing a like tiny action in the grand scheme of ur things#but ends up a major life changer to them even if they dont always have the knowledge to recognize it#and u let them die bcs of the money#i cant fcking STANDDDDDD IT ohmy GAWD.#also like radiology is not all that hunky dory like radiactive is part of the fking name like#UGHHHH LIKE IM SUPPOSED TO BE SCOLDING MY PTS WHY TF AM I SCOLDING MFS FOR MY PTS#anyways yea tho totally just join medicine for the money it's tofally not a massive damage to u n society#but also . fuck society for making ppl feel like they only have this choice or it's starvation bcs thats also so fking real fuc that#but bro at least try not to fuck ppl over once u gain a position just bcs u happened to be in a bad mood today like#medicine is Literally. horror. it's not that 'i watch pimple popping videos haha i can handle it' horror . it's literally.#the horror of treating humans like humans while never allowed to be one urself kind of horror#it's watching a little girl crying and a big bulky father weeping like a small child bcs his wife died#&then u step out the room and a pt throws his poop at u bcs he keeps lying to u abt not having any alcohol &wants to go home but has no ride#wants a million opiods and has been absolutely wailing at ur staff and if he leaves ama it docks u so now u gotta#peruse a bunch of legal documents to try and figure out a loophole on how to get him outta here while also dealing with 60 other pts#on the brink of death or intensely septic and the whole time ure trying to save them u got bitches screaming in ur ear abt the#north carolina fluid shortage like btch fuck that im giving this kid the shit they need to survive fuck off#especially funny bcs theres fluids available but we refuse to buy them bcs theyre for a higher price than our og supplier like ok#anyways#love my life
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TODOOOOOOOOOOOOOO 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
#BEST BOY IS BACK I SHED ACTUAL TEARS#FUCKKK i forgot how much i love him 😭😭#he ALWAYS appears when yuji needs him most what if i cry and throw up#(nobara comeback soon TRUST)#anyway i liked this chapter BUT . i’m mad abt choso#like as far as deaths go . i think his scene was good. i cried . yuji calling him big bro at the end feels fitting#BUTT his death was a lil toooo sudden for my liking + i feel like it undermines the fight he had w kenjaku !!!#bc that fight ended w choso’s death as a curse. and . so . I MEAN#in a way i can understand the appeal writing wise of having him die once as a curse and once as a human#BUT LIKE ….. yuki telling him to ”live as a human” was suchhh a powerful moment n i rlly felt like it gave him plot armour 😭#so . well. im not too happy w this. BUTTTT you have to understand how my brain works …. i see todo aoi and i get hyped#and the final yuji/choso scene was rlly rlly heartwrenching :(((#so i liked the chapter. but i cant say i rlly like the writing choice……..#im just praying for todo not to die PLSSSS dont take my bestie from me 😔😔😔#(also logan if u happen to see this my grievances are with you and your family at this time)#ari noises ✩#jjk spoilers#jjk manga spoilers#jjk leaks#jjk 259
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hi uncle nina! it's my birthday today and u don't have but will u pretty plz consider reposting that part of ch6 of rm where raven in on the phone with kenny b4 his hate with jers? i thought it was super cute and i really wanted to read it :3
awwww, happy birthday, darling! i hope it's as lovely as you are!
and i--sigh.
okay.
i hate complicated feelings surrounding chapter six ( aka the introduction to the iconique ravesey hate that i deleted from stress ) because i actually did love it...i just rushed the hell out of it, didn't plan it out very well and it was a mess. it could have been a lot better.
part of why i deleted it was actually because of that ravenstan/kenny phonecall because i felt worried that i revealed too much about how not cool and actually boy-failure-y stan was too early and could have kept the suspense going longer but aaaaaa i just wanted y'all to see how CUTE he was, like??? and how nervous! AAAA!!!
buuut considering the cat has been out of the bag, or rather, the raven has flown the nest for some time now...and it's the beauteous day you were born...i will humbly present you with this b-day present in the form of my incompetent idiot girl ramblings/writings, though, i fear it is not at all as grand the gift of your life is.
so, without further ado darlings, here is the endearing, embarrassing phone call ( it was over discord actually ) that ravenstan had with kenny prior to showing up to blondie's for his little hate-date with jerseykyle. it's a mess and unedited, but regardless, please know that from whatever hurts or harms you, i hope you heal, please rem(ember) to smile, pendejos,
and to now, as always, angels:
please enjoy the very, very...
worst part of your day. ;)
-uncle nina <333
#hlkshdlf i am self concious about this#but it is your birthday and rs was very cute in it#it's also your birthday and you deserve to celebrate#it is a momentous occasion my love! so heres some pre-hate#again idk what this really sounds like i have not read it since i wrote it and hit and run posted it on ao3#but smh can u feel kens jealous rage thru the phone disguised as thinly veiled teasing i am crying fml sorry kenny#its ok i give them the gift of marjorine very soon i swear#but oh my god stan is so stinking cute!!! it was too early but all we had was mean scary jersey pov and only really saw raven#as a massive smarmy rockstar assholes with glimmers of his humanity coming through a rare awkward stammer#and hes actually gods sweet fucking angel shdlskd anyways this reveal was much more iconic when u didn't know that#but i hope u enjoy this sorry its not the best also everyone say we love u raven hes gonna throw up deadass the whole time#stans fkn catboy gamerboy headphones i love him so bad in his lil suit and his combat boots and his blonde ass hair#KENNY WAS BEING SO OUT OF POCKET AND NASTY also i was a little too nasty in this im sorry ew go to jail nina#mans was thinking abt jerseys lawyer voice TOO MUCH#the light cartman and chef reveal...very spicy to me xx#ravenstan is so hey baby i heard you like bad boys...well i'm bad at everything ;) *winks and leans seductively and falls over*#i love the stannish half mexican stan my beloved <333
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ohhhh my god im going to fucking throw up thinking again about the scene where sawashiro almost lopping off ichi's pinky parallels the scene from earlier where arakawa's mom threatens him with scissors
#snap chats#IM GOING TO BE FUCKING SICK !!!!!!!!!#i havent mentioned it before. or if i did its been A Hot Minute but god i think of it a lot#sorry i was just having my morning Arakawa Family In Retrospect thinking and im going to throw up#AND IT WAS OVER MONEY TOO. and the topic of insufficient income was brought up.. fuuuuccckk YOOOOU#triggering myself rewatching the scenes just to validate my points and im going to be even MORE sick#its the way both ichi/arakawa glare at sawashiro/his mother and then getting reprimanded for it. via sharp implement#and the way arakawa interrupts sawashiro and ichi like how his dad had to step in between him and his mom Shut UP#jesus. arakawa wasnt even confrontational bout it like that either bro just walked in on it#his life is a flat circle And What If. I Threw Up.#i thought of translatin this concept via a comic buuuuuttttt </3 no time </3#or energy tbh#im tempted to at the very least make comparative gif sets for these scenes... its so important i point them out....#anyways wow !!!! i love the arakawa family !!!!!!! youre all fucked !!!!!! <- crying#i love the arakawa family because it's so easy to see each member as a protagonist of their own stories#which No Duh Everyones A Protagonist In A Way but it's just espsecially easy to dig into the arakawas' perspectives and feelings#theyre ALL so interesting in how they think and react and the possibility of how theyre thinking and feeling in situations#like im so invested to want to know their perspectives because there's always extra layers to them and its fascinating..#the arakawas are just so intertwined .....
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🐎
#british airways completely cancelled my standy plane ticket even though there were empty seats on the plane without giving me a reason#now i can't make it to my uncle's funeral tomorrow. i feel sick to my stomach about it god#i looked at everything but the only option i cant afford and that feels even worse cuz if i didnt go on vacation i couldve been there#and i called my aunt to apologise and let her know im thinking about them all anyways and she had to console Me#even though she's the one burying her husband of 35 years tomorrow and that also makes me feel like shit#i dont know. its horrible i feel horrible and ive had too much wine#sorry to vent in tumblr tags like im a member of a 2020 discord server that only uses the vent and bot channels#i should go throw up in an alley and cry in my friends arms like a real man . okay goodnight
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today should be a t break day
bc I'll need it to be more effective in the coming days if we see family, and then I'll have the survey shifts
but since late last night i keep randomly nearly breaking into tears and thinking abt the stupidest shit that needs to stay in the box in my brain
so idk. maybe it will be. it is thus far. but I'm not leaving my room without a container of some edible or another in my pocket either
#text post#no idea where the fuck this came from and it kept me up until fucking four in the fucking morning#but only NEARLY crying my body/brain still won't let me FULLY cry#and i did email my prior doc with a 'can i ask u just abt this one current symptom and if it is abt what i think & ill send u 20 bucks even'#she said no to the twenty bucks but said yeah it does sound like my ptsd has been triggered by multiple things over the last year#and the not being able to cry is a part of it. my body's trying to protect me from feeling anything abt it and breaking down#and part of that means not letting the tears fall so there's no physical acknowledgement of any feelings#which is what i was thinking was going on but it's nice to confirm it with someone who knows their shit#doesn't fix it but at least i know.#the thing is that the triggers are like. good? bc im in a healthier safer environment now with ppl that don't do what my mum & fam do to me#but it means my brain is learning just how much of a lot of it Wasn't Normal and was actually Pretty Harmful and that's.#i want my brain to just accept and get over that already tbh. okay so that's the case it doesn't change anything????#why are we still thinking abt it and having feelings over it at this point bc that feels like a waste of time#there are no apologies I'll get for things that happened from when i was younger and there's no closure it just Is What It Is#I'm tired of even wanting to cry over it when I'd rather be throwing myself into making money & being productive art-wise#it manages to interrupt so many fucking facets of my life like#whatever. anyway considering a music au new draft where ed and izzy meet seth. and immediately offer to kill him for Pickles aksnsjfnfgj
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this is like so much to process maybe i shouldn't have replied
#my hearts going insane actually#gonna fly off my chest#he was like i must sound like the worst guy ever. god shut uppp#why when im on my period too like i feel like crying throwing up dying#anyways!!! won't be replying icant do it#but i have to see him tomorrow#set me FREEE#rose.txt
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#damien.txt#so listen. i've been kind of fucking depressed for the past 3 months ish#and im going to tell a story related to that in the tags so. if u continue to read. judgement free zone for me pls okay?#cool cool so im like. Really bad abt taking care of my self & my surroundings when im depressed#esp bc like. im in school & work so. literally ALL of my energy goes to those two things#and i will go. weeks upon weeks not cleaning my room#not throwing out trash. which i am AWARE is gross. but truly i would get home and pass tf out and then wake up and#start the day again. like i just truly was not engaging it in any way#anyways. so there's this library book that's been sitting on my nightstand for around a month ish#and ive also been using it as a place for other nightstand things- putting cups on. glasses at night. etc.#well. so i get an email that this book is due back tomorrow. so im like 'oh i should put this book in my backpack'#and i lift it up..... and fuck. there is literally spotty mold ALL. OVER. the back of this fucking book#i guess one of the cups i left on the night stand leaked liquid onto my nightstand and then it soaked into the book or something#and the book didnt move for a Month so like. it's had forever to just sit there and mold over.#and fuck. fuck! i was having such a good night before this too.#now im like.... what the fuck do i even do#i probably just need to go turn it in & pay the fucking expensive fee but like. fuck me. i wanna cry#it always feels like one thing on top of another. like things just are constantly going wrong in my life#and like i Know this is not. the biggest deal in the world. but it just feels like such a dumb fucking thing to happen idk.#anyways. gonna cry abt that and. i guess figure out what im doing with it tomorrow /:
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oh man i am running out of time!!!!!!!
#looking at my calendar feeling so stressed i’m running out of time#and so many people are like all of a sudden wanting to catch up before i go#tried to throw a going away party but half the people can’t come#and of course they wanna see me another time before i go#i’m working real hard to fit in the people i want to see before i go#like there’s some people that really just take priority#sorry to my other friends.. not to sound horrible but sometimes i really just have too many friends#there’s not enough time to see them all especially when they’re all in different groups#and in between all of that i have to do all of mt last minute organising and packing#feeling overwhelmed lol… friday is my last day of work i think i’ll probably cry#it’s so crazy i’m gonna be jobless for the first time since i was 15#anyway this is all A LOT!!!! i think if i was just moving interstate or something it wouldn’t be a big deal but im not gonna see most#of these people for 2 years cuz i’m literally moving to the opposite side of the planet lol#p
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the dichotomy of man (need to get out of this fuckin house but if i go then i can not see my cats)
#JUST realized this and now i want to kill and explode and throw up#WHAT THE HELL WILL I DO . WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO ABOUT MY FISH ok i can probably take the fish with me#but MAN#thats such a FUCKING HASSLE#ill just stay here this is fine <- tormented by the horrors. ball and chained to familiarity#the gamer speaks uwu#guy who is terminally stressed and sick about change but desperately needs it to live a life#oooo i need to be in a hamster ball everything new can just be out of arms reach and i will be safe and contained forever#no more new experiences and life changes ill cry we should all just die actually so i never have to break out of my shell#sometimes im like im therapized i dont need to go to therapy i am sooo normal and then i say shit like all that n im like nvm#the desperately averse to change braincell is funny like is it the autism. is it the ptsd. probably both#bc i sure did like have a moment of like i should just drop out of school all of this is too much i cant do it anymore#wired in juuust the right way where i can live so much better than i ever have but itll stress me out enough where i still feel the urge#to throw it all away bc it is strange and weird. and then i have to resist that urge constantly bc ill be fully like cidal again if i do th#its so weird actually. oh u have friends? u take meds? u have irls now? strange and unfamiliar and scary get rid of it all <- the insanity#anyway sucks how there isnt a word i can use in place of men/women when im like 'women will x' but for being nonbinary#nonbinary mfs doesnt hit the same . enbies doesnt hit the same either#nonbinaries b like i am free from the horrors and then go down a whole spiral at the very thought of moving out of their nightmare house#vent#i guess oops what did this turn into
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The "there are no more original ideas" crowd has really messed with people's perception of fiction huh
#im going to explode#yea ok whatever theres no original ideas sure but like u cant just say that sentence as if that's all and there's nothing that comes after#like im specifically talking about other creatives here especially this one post i saw a few days ago abt ai and how using it to generate#ideas is no different from doing that urself#its like no. it's just harder to do it urself#the brain is infinitely more complex than any machine we could make (especially ones so primitive in design like MJ etc) that you can't#possibly make something as cool in an ai that you can in your own brain#the reason its so hard is because the software you're using (your brain) is so complex.#anyway tho like#there's no original ideas sure but that's why making something that feels original despite it not being is so special#atla makes you feel like bending isn't magic when - yeah its literally just magic everyone has magic#madoka magica doesn't feel like it was based off of an old european play. bc it was mixed with a material soooo different from it#i hate it pls creatives if you want to make things that are good and interesting you can't cut corners you can't hate the process!!#do smth else then like. or just do it as a hobby i guess. u cant make interesting art if you aren't interested enough in it to give -#it any thought or time#uhg#madi.txt#grinds my damn gears bro im screaming crying throwing up
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need to catch up on my silly magical girl shows 😞
#ness says stuff#im behind on hirogaru sky#and im watching hugtto atm too#i feel like comparing the two is so easy on the surface nut tbh i like different things abt each#the hirogaru transformations go so hard#they might be among my fave precure transformations#albeit im v new to precure#anyway#i also have so many mahou shojo shows i desperately need to watch#sailor moon... princess tutu... fuckin UTENA#fucking madoka how have i kot watched that??????#shaking crying throwing up#magical girls are forever
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.
#whew you know when you've been Going for a while and then you get a break and you're still tired but you're also so so jittery#S WHERE IM AT OHHH MY GOD#luxury problem and it's totally fine but i am crawling up the walls my friends#also update time ig!! took my family to the autism group meeting thing on tuesday bc it was a meeting esp for that#and they kept throwing me glances throughout the info part like lol it's you JDFHJDFH it was v interesting#bc throughout it all it's like... here i have info about autism and here i have my 25 years lived experience without thinking i had autism#and since i wasn't diagnosed as a kid i wasn't as ~obvious about it and i find it hard to reconcile examples with myself if they#don't fit 100% (it's . the autism) so anyways it was v helpful!!!#and my mum was like ah yeah i always had moments where i thought so?? but then it didn't fit the cold white boy stereotype bc i#am empathetic and i have humour etc so she never mentioned it to me bc it's a big thing etc and tbf i wasn't ~ready pre-this year#but now it's like... ah yes i was always upset on holidays and they never got why (the change in Everything)... i was picky with food#and with new shoes and i HATED shopping and it overwhelmed me so much (still does)#i would ask my mum what tf i was feeling and why i was crying and i would analyse social interactions#and i'd have obsessions with media and horses etc. was big know-it-all. was so slow with some subjects at school#like yknow when you had to copy letters 80 times? that'd take me ages and i'd get a fail bc i was being so precise#anyways. enough signs methinks dfjhdjh so now im just trying to see where stimming & eyecontact come in?#i never noticed a problem with eyecontact but im trying to let myself not do it and it's kinda nice?? but idk#and stimming idk i used to suck my thumb for a long time but?? i wanna try things but whew internalised ableism etc#so see then im like so ARE YOU ACTUALLY-- but anyways it seems i am#and my mum made me realise that'd. explain why i suddenly developed depression around age 11 and never got out of it again#so lots of Thinking!!! and wanting to shelve things like ok great figured it out NOW WHAT but noooo#also stupid to do this on tumblr and not rly talk about it with irl friends but what do you say like#hello im autistic? yeah it surprised me too. no i can't really explain how it works for me. no that's not how the spectrum works#so here we are yes#<3
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SORRY TO TAKE SUCH A HARD LEFT BUT HOW DO YOU THINK JO FOUND OUT ARAKAWA WAS DEAD
IM GOING TO SCREAM IF I TRY TO THINK ABOUT THAT NOOOOO I GOTTA GET BACK TO YOU IN 5-7 BUSINESS DAYS WITH THAT ONE............
#snap chats#id shit and cry if aoki was the one that told him in a condescending/bitchy way yk what i mean#like as if to jab at jo like 'oh dont worry about dealing with dad- since you were too incompetent to do it i had someone else handle it'#not that word for word im SURE but yk what i mean. just GENERALLY thats the energy#the timing of this ask is soooo funny i was just talkin to my twit friend bout arasawa#and how youve been inspiring me to draw it more again as of late and this is NOT helping !!!! i am ADDING IT to my LIST#cause i want to be in pain i guess (;´༎ຶ▽༎ຶ`) I JUST SEE IT SO CLEARLY IN MY HEAD EGUUUGHH#im still gonna chew on the idea of How tho im still gonna chew on it cause i have other stuff lined up Obvi but..... OUGH PAIN...#verrrrry awkward when i post a thing in liek an hour cause that shit gon be a lil cute so then i just got this in the back of my dome ☠️☠️#thank you........#throwing up as i remember aoki being like 'you're acting strange lately' brb#OUUGHHGH dying.#LIKE IM JUST THINKIG OF ALL THE EMOTIONS JO WOULDVE BEEN FEELING- /ESP/ IF HE WAS IN FRONT OF AOKI#how would he even cope... i mean judging by the eye scene Not Well butu OUUGHvLKJVALKJ#ITS THE CONFLICTED FEELINGS AGAIN CAUSE LIKE he SHOUULDNT care as much as he does right...#arakawa was just his boss... but if THAT was the case why not take him out when jo was first asked too.....#aoki is his priority in life right...... arakawa wasn't supposed to be anyone important BUT THEN HE DID BECOME IMPORTANT#making myself throw up#anyway this is why jo shouldve been allowed to rip tendo to shreds. in my humble opinion. <- sobbing#NAWWW IT THE WAY I HAVE TO GO OUT WITH MY SIS RIGHT AFTER THIS WELKFJALFKJLKVJ#I CANT BE NORMALLLLL
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