#anyway i doubt anyone who reblogged this is gonna see this but im just keeping this for posterity

[localgardenweed]

Ok I was originally gonna write how I wanna go back to Eddsworld and do stuff for it again but felt out of the loop with the modern fandom and shit but ended up being a rant about how I hate Beyond so like gonna write this again but keeping part of the rant cause i need to share how much i cant stand Beyond again

So like I wanna come back to Eddsworld cause as much as it was a dumpster fire for me it was my first real fandom I was apart of online so it holds a place in my heart. I mean probably technically whatever I did on Framecast was my first ever online fandom space but shhhh that dont count i was but a wondering traveler looking for my place in the world. It actually got me into Eddsworld someone made a animation to Youth by Daughter and had me hooked. But still was very important to me and my art development.

Its so crazy to me cause i was into Eddsworld HARD in the 2016-2020 era where alot of the ig modern fandom was born i watched cities fall and crumble I was deep in the amino trenches, Pork Sodaing and seeing so much historical fandom events happen before your eyes. I was watching everyone consume every piece of Prince of Mints and Moho art I was a sucker for them which probably wasn��t okay for like a 5th grader but i definitely turned out all right /j.

I left for a little bit on and off cause Hetalia was choking me and like keeping me prisoner but like it still had a place in my heart for it but like ya know i still was there but idk now I just dont find the same spark anymore from the first go around. Something changed and maybe cause i just had my tastes change and maybe cause my ex-best friend was making fun of my oc all the time but i made him when i was like 11 and figuring out identities and ways to express yourself without sticking to the gender norms and dealing with alot of stuff at the time i finally caved and just didn’t feel the same any anymore about the show.

Cause I loved that fandom more than anything but, I don’t know I just don’t know how to get back that spark and go frolic in the fields with my TomTordOc love triangle of my 5th grader dreams and just be cringe and free and feel joy again but I just cant enjoy the material anymore like THEY ARE MASSACRING MY BOYS WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO THEMM

It doesn’t hit the same and i know i dont need to consume Beyond i doubt anyone actually does at this point but i cant stand beside while they murder everything i loved about the Classic and Legacy eras.

Also just, I think I hit a road block with it too like, I got stuck on where to do and what to do with Eddsworld like. I make aus i made ocs i made a ask blog i made animatics, now what? And like idk i felt weird and like stuck in the mud with them. Also just had the friend falling out who was also the co-creator of the ask blog so now i dont know how to pick it back up all by myself again but them again i really was just doing it by myself all the time anyway so i just have to figure out how to get back into the swing of things

I have some ideas for aus and maybe just finally be free and bring my oc back from the grave for realsies and make you all consume it but, I don’t know. Im scared to come back cause also weirdly alot of the new fans are younger than me or the older fans are older than me so its kinda awkward, also im just awkward im scared to talk to people online, there is and were some people i desperately wanted to be friends with both in and out of Eddsworld but im too scared and either just watch from afar or abuse the Anonymous function in ask boxes. 

If i cave enough i might come back to Eddsworld to at least finish my lore for the ask blog cause IM SORRY I LEFT YALL HANGING I HAD SCHOOL AND THEN JUST FORGOT ABOUT IT but forever haunted by the people who like every single post and then i get excited cause i see like 99+ notes waiting for me and i think one of my new posts blew up but no its just the ew boys who screw around likes and reblog and the occasional comment

One day ill return to my rightful birthplace and one day I shall be free and one with nature and draw as much as I want for it and as many ocs i want without someone telling me its cringe or make more for the ask blog or hell start doing animation and animatics again

Ok here is the Beyond rant now if you wanna read it

I feel the difference between Beyond and Legacy is that, Beyond is trying to horriblycopy their older brothers Classic and Legacy and almost dumb it down a bit with more childish humor, and Legacy takes inspiration from Classic: It’s different but a natural difference/evolution. Or the fact a whole new guy was writing it all with a slightly different style so he wrote what he knew idk maybe a bit of a factor idk

Also i cant stand the Tord bait sorry I cant, especially when they used to like get annoyed by the fandom by asking and then just realized he was a cash cow so like now we get Tord merch and the hints and Tori and the skit with the cavemen like OMG TORD- and he got crushed by a rock thanks gang, cause like dude I think as much as we love Tord like maybe this go around respect Larson’s choice to like not use him in the series anymore and take him out but like ig that doesn’t apply to merch so yeah lets do one more go around bring out the red one. Or idk maybe they contacted him and was like “yo dude can we like use him for merch” but i dont think that happened. I think it was just better to leave him absent from the show and be like “yeah no Tord guys, no Tord” and we could have all had our thumbs up and be like “Ok Eddsworld Beyond we are okay with that”. Like I know Red October was for charity but idk it still felt weird to use Tord, like could this really not have just been the main 3 or like bring in some deep cut old characters or side characters did we really need Tord here.

[fill-me-with-your-memes-daddy]

Watching the Rise of the Titans movie and I'll be documenting all of my thoughts/reactions here. [Spoiler Warning]

So instead of reblogging every new update, I'm just going to have this post up on my phone as I watch and type my reactions in a bullet list format.

Nari's human disguise is so cute. As someone who does have a cottagecore aesthetic, I want to cosplay her so bad

Are Skrael and/or Belroc non-binary coded? Regardless, I'm also obsessed and I want to fuck Skrael and be Belroc.

STEVE CARING ABOUT JIM BEING HURT YESSSS!!! My god his redemption has probably been one of the greatest there is because he doesn't just suddenly go from being a bully to a completely good person. You can see the gradual shift in learning better throughout the shows which is awesome.

IN NEW YOOOOOOORRRRRRRK!!!!!! CONCRETE JUNGLE WHERE DREAMS ARE MADE OFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!

The mugshot montage reminded me of season 1 of trollhunters when toby and Jim were arrested at the museum.

STRICKLER PUT A RING ON IT??? HE'S THE ONLY DILF IVE EVER ACTUALLY AGREED WAS HOT WYM I CAN'T HAVE HIM??? well I'm still really happy about his arc over the series probably one of my favorite character growths.

Eli my guy got his growth spurt!!! As an 18 year old who is still 5'0", I'm happy but envious for him

So I went into this movie without watching any trailers or promo, but I doubt anything could have prepared me for the existence of mpreg. In fact, I wasn't going to document my reactions until I saw that.

NAMURA!!!!!!!!! MY BELOVED!!!!!! I CAN STILL THIRST FOR YOU WITHOUT GUILT

The coach teacher just called the kids zoomers so I have to dock one point from my final rating just because of that. Unforgivable

Those husky animation models suck lmao

Oh fuck the titans got power ranger zords!!

God why did they include the mpreg??? This movie would have been perfect without it.... After that plot point being revisited only one time I'm already beyond done with it

Like it's bringing me back to the v*ltron days where they're was a suspiciously high amount of klance omegaverse and mpreg fics and art created and it physically hurts because Steve and Keith's voice actor is the same person meaning this is especially cursed to me since I was unfortunately in the v*ltron fandom and remember all of that

But like on another note, how old are these characters again??? I haven't checked any wikis because of spoilers but is Steve an adult??? I know aja might be technically a lot older than 18 because alien but is whatever age she is equivalent to an adult as far as emotionally and physically in Akaridion development??? IS THIS A TEEN (M)PREGNANCY IN A KIDS SHOW????

Like bruh I saw a singular post on here before going into the movie that was like "rott spoilers without context" and there was a pregnant belly but I was absolutely not expecting the actual context of it. I'll find the post after I finish and edit this post to tag the creator right here: @makoden

This entire post is just gonna be me ranting about mpreg huh

Anyway I love the whole roundtable allusion to the legends of king arthur (not the toa version but the one he's based off)

THERE'S 3 TO 5 BABIES????? I need to take a break bruh this is just too much

Alright I've taken a 30 minute break got some food and did some things i love (decompressed by tactile stimming with some owl plushies and watched some videos on my favorite owl, Garu. He lives in Japan with his owner and is a domesticated eagle owl who basically just acts like a sky cat. If anyone else needs some eye bleach, here is their YouTube channel)

Blinky and ARRRGHHH!!! saying their "if one of us doesn't make it" talk my god one of them is going to die I can see it and I will be utterly crushed. Jim can't lose another father figure and Toby can't lose his wingman again I will riot if this happens

On a similar but unrelated to the movie note, can we just talk about how toa started with Jim having 0 dads and (if strickler and blinky live to the end) will end with 2 dads? Like I just really feel happy for him that he has two dads who actually figured out how to put the past behind them to not have any infighting between them so that both of them are healthy father figures. Jim has already been through literal hell and back losing his actual humanity in the process so if he loses one of them, I'm going to be really pissed because at this point, this is just Jim torture porn. Y'all know how as SpongeBob SquarePants went on, the show just became Squidward torture porn? It's starting to feel that way for toa and I really hope they cut the shit by the ending

Jlaire is such a good ship but like I feel like it's too perfect they never disagree with each other

YESSSSSSS Someone finally doesn't treat toby like a fat waste of space who messes stuff up!!! I think out of all the characters that would have been most deserving of a rewrite, it's Toby. Sometimes I just feel he's only comic relief and any heartfelt moments he's had in the series was also born of stupidity (ie his flour baby project being unharmed was seen by him as divine intervention from his parents but was actually just Eli and Steve behind the scenes).

Ohhhhh yesssssss Archie's father!!! I was hoping I'd see him again because we got so little of him last

Ooooooooooh Asian trollmarket!!!!!

Oh never mind slavery trollmarket

Bruh titanic camelot

I feel like we're not seeing enough of the villains because I completely forgot about the power ranger zord things

NAMORA NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MY LAST CRUSHHHH

STRICKLER NO NOT YOU TOO PLEASE

WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE ONLY TWO CHARACTERS I SIMP FOR ON THIS SHOW DIED WITHIN FIVE MINUTES OF EACH OTHER

THAT WHOLE ASS RANT I WROTE IS COMING TRUE FUCK THIS MOVIE THIS SERIES IS JUST JIM TORTURE PORN

WAIT JIM'S SPERM DONOR INFO?

Oh thank God I don't want to know anything about that person

For the record, I call that man Jim's sperm donor because he has no business being called a father to him. All he did was donate some swimmers to the creation of him and give him abandonment issues

Oh another blind troll elder???? This fucker is just if vendel was a bad guy

Bruh I was grieving

PACIFIC RIM WITH GUN ROBOT VEX AND THE BELROCZORD? I've never seen that movie but I know the reference

Bruh Blinky doesn't read horoscopes? Does he realize conspiracy theories are just the manly version of horoscopes?

NO DON'T KILL VEX STOP KO-ING FOUND FAMILY MEMBERS

Oh thank God he's okay

NO NOT ARCHIE AND CHARLEMAGNE OH MY GOD

oh never mind they're just gonna coup de tat I believe in them :))

But I want to see him again

But I'm glad to see vex

Yay they're in arcadia!

But yeah I wondered why the trolls and Merlin didn't keep the whole "daylight doesn't hurt trolls" feature from the eternal night but now Guillermo del Toro I see you were playing the long con in that just to kill my girl Namora :(((

Oooooh I love the animation of the Narizord over Chihuahua!! It looks very good and realistic (if only they could have put some of that into those huskies from before smh)

Bruh the character designs of the arcane order are so good I want to be them

Nari making sure the Skraelzord doesn't crush the bus

DAMN DOUBLE HOMICIDE

Bruh I'm just glad we finally have an answer on why arcadia had everything going on as opposed to literally anywhere else!! I always found that as a weird coincidence for plot convince.

BRUH WERE BACK TO THE MPREG IM SO JEALOUS I FORGOT ABOUT THAT EVEN THOUGH IT WAS BECAUSE I WAS GRIEVING THE LOSS OF MY LOVELIES.

Oh that's real convenient that the ninth configuration meant all of them. Way to not decide which character gets more attention. Though it probably was a smart way to not have any infighting in the fandom between each character's stan group.

Bruh I just realized where is Barbera did they just ditch her on the Camelot ship???

And where are the other trolls that migrated at the end of trollhunters s3? They said something about new jersey but obviously Jim and the other main characters got on Camelot instead.... This feels like a plot hole

And we never learned the process of how changelings are made and bonded to humans and stuff. We just know it's super painful but I'm curious ffs!!!!

THE DONT THINK BECOME HERO SPEECH ALL SAID TOGETHER!!!

BRUH THEY REALLY HAD TO SHOW HIM GIVING BIRTH??????? WAS THAT AN ABSOLUTE MUST??????

Plus the main audience for this series is little children (the rating for the movie is literally TV-Y7) so even though my adult ass is not in the target audience, I STILL DONT UNDERSTAND WHY WOULD MPREG AND ANAL BIRTH WOULD BE AN IMPORTANT THING TO 7 YEAR OLDS???? THIS IS A LITERAL FETISH HIDDEN IN KIDS CONTENT ITS ELSAGATE ALL OVER AGAIN Y'ALL 😭😭😭😭😭

Though it's probably hypocritical of me to think fetishes don't belong in kids tv when I've openly admitted to thirsting for strickler and namora

HUZZAH

NEW AMULET WAZ GOOD????

STAB THAT BITCH JIM

WAIT NO I SAID STAB NOT GET STABBED

Alright good job just missed the directions at first but you fixed it

SEVEN KIDS?????????

T O B Y ????????????

W A I T NO

N O

IS HE ACTUALLY

OH MY GOD THERE'S HOPE

NO THERE ISN'T

F U C K THIS SHIT THEY REALLY JUST HAD HIM TO BE BULLIED THEN KILLED

Y'ALL IM ACTUALLY CRYING THIS NEVER HAPPENS

I NEVER ACTUALLY GET SO EMOTIONAL OVER MEDIA THAT I CRY IT ONLY HAPPENED ONCE AT THE END OF VOLTRON BUT AHHHHHHHH

W A I T

HE'S GONNA BE BROUGHT BACK?????

HOLD UP THEY'RE JUST GONNA BRING ALL THOSE DEAD PEOPLE BACK??????

WAIT IS HE

BLINKY CALLED HIM A SON

HOLD ON IS THIS GOING TO BE A CLIFFHANGER???????????

BRUH THEY REALLY JUST CAN'T END THE SERIES WITHOUT CLIFFHANGERS like there's always an open ending

TROLLHUNTER TOBY????? You know what forget the whole rants I had on how toby was written they just redeemed it all

And that's all! I'd rate it a 6.5/10 because it's definitely the weakest of all the sequels but still had amazing animation and some good plot points. It's just really hard to look over the bad stuff enough to rate it any higher.

[obeiii-mee]

Hey! I have a really loud and particular laugh that seems to carry quite literally throughout my house and there have been many times people have bought it up with me (I can’t help it my laugh is just loud & contagious!!). Could I request the bros reaction to MC who quite literally is unable to laugh quietly and ends up being heard through the whole of the house? Thank you!🥰

This is so sweet, geez imma get cavities. I also have a very loud laugh and I startle people a lot when I start laughing so I get what you mean!

These HCs are probably written a lot better because suddenly I’m full energy and motivation-

———————————————

The Brothers with an MC who has a loud and particular laugh:

Lucifer:

-He’ll never admit it but whenever you start laughing or even smiling, he can’t really stop himself from doing it too

-Like, he looks at you as you start cackling about a funny meme Levi just showed you and he’s holding back a smile-

-Because, even though you have such a loud and some would say ‘obnoxious’ laugh, he thinks you just sound so precious

-He really struggles to show that he’s not affected by you as much as he actually is

-Even if you start laughing at an inappropriate time, he’d likely not even tell you off properly

- Would never say anything of the sort to your face, but he low-key admires you

-He thinks it’s amazing that a simple human like you that has experienced so many horrible things every since they arrived in literal hell, can have the ability to laugh so heartily even now

-If you’re in public and start doing your boisterous laugh, he will keep a stoic expression on his face

-There’s a hint of a blush on his cheeks if you look close enough, though I doubt anyone is crazy enough to point it out

-In private though? Appreciate these moments y’all, because it’s one of the few rare times you’ll see him laugh freely

-Even when he’s around his brothers and trying to keep a straight face, you can see his lips threatening to curve upwards

-Basically, he thinks you’re baby and your laugh makes him feel at ease

Mammon:

-I head canon that he also has a very particular laugh because he gives off those kind of vibes

-He probably doesn’t even notice how loud you are when you start wheezing

-Normally, he’d join in and start laughing with you as the rest of the brothers take out their sound blocking ear muffs for the third time that day

-You two are loud ok?

-Poor Lucifer who not only has insomnia and is a workaholic, he also has two idiots giggling to themselves in the middle of the night

-When I said Mammon is trying to get a laugh out of you any hour of the day

-I mean any hour

-He will wake you up to just hear your voice and then proceed to run out as you start yelling at him

-Even if he were to notice it, the worst reaction you’re gonna get out of him is a bit of teasing

-“Ya sound like you’re dyin’ over there human. You alright?”

-When in reality, he’s even more smitten with you because your laugh is just another one of your amazing qualities

-Mammon does the stupidest shit in front of you to make you and hear you laugh because it warms his heart

-Even if he wouldn’t admit it, to you or to himself

-The only time he ‘doesn’t like’ it when you laugh is if you’re poking fun at him with his brothers

-That gets him all huffy puffy and sad

-For a minute, before he’s thrown himself onto you again

-Greedy for money and greedy for affection of course

Levi:

-ohcrapohcrapohcrapohcrap

-“YOU SOUND JUST LIKE THE MAIN CHARACATER’S LOVE INTEREST FROM THIS NEW ANIME I’M WATCHING! IT’S CALLED: PEOPLE KEEP TELLING ME I’M IN LOVE WITH MY BEST FRIEND BUT I’M ACTUALLY NOT, THOUGH WHOA THEY HAVE SUCH A PRETTY LAUGH!”

-Catch him rambling about it for five minutes straight

-Before stopping abruptly, flushing from head to toe and starting to stutter like he forgot how to speak

-This usually has you laughing again, in a more sympathetic and encouraging way and he just...dies

-He doesn’t like his laugh, at all

-He thinks it sounds really awkward and tense

-So he’s low-key jealous about your rather impulsive laugh because it’s so sweet??? And amazing and cute??? Just like you???

-But at the same time, it’s hard for him to be jealous of it when he loves it so much

-Why do you think he keeps coming to you whenever he finds funny memes or compilations online???

-“I don’t expect a normie like you to understand but look at this.”

-He gets a stupidly cute kick out of knowing that he is the one making you laugh

-I suggest trying not to laugh too much while he’s playing video games because your laugh distracts him so much

-And he will throw his headset at you

-Affectionately of course

Satan:

-He doesn’t give much of a reaction besides a quirked eyebrow and a quiet ‘Oh?’

-Sure, he doesn’t really like it when his brothers are being noisy either because they’re laughing too loudly or because they are fighting gladiator style outside his room

-But you’re the exception

-The only person in that household that could get away with interrupting his reading/work is you

-May come as a surprise to some, but sometimes Satan does get worried for you

-If he hasn’t seen you in a while he might start thinking that something is wrong

-But then he’d hear you laughing from downstairs and he’d smile and think “Eh they’re alright.”

-He thinks your laugh sounds so much more endearing than his own psychotic laugh 🥰🥰🥰

-Will throw one of his precious books at any of his brothers if they make fun of the way you laugh

-Basically, he has the biggest heart eyes for you but he’s too good at hiding it

-Laugh with him whenever something embarrassing happens to Lucifer and he will be so pleased and happy for the rest of the day

Asmo:

-“MC my dear, has anyone mentioned what a wonderfully charming laugh you have? And that says something coming from me.”

-Asmo also has a very noticeable laugh

-Not exactly loud but it could be considered obnoxious (to his brothers) and he giggles all the time when he’s very excited

-Having Asmodeous as your partner is basically the same thing as dating your best friend

-Despite being the Avatar of Lust, your relationship with him is super healthy and even he takes comfort in that

-You’d both be chuckling to yourselves in Majolish or something because this bïtch is hilarious if he wants to be

-“Oh my Lord Diavolo! MC, look! I found the perfect outfit for Mammon!!”

-And it’s a Disney princess dress the size of a fuckn toddler

-You guys laughed so hard you got kicked out >:(

-But you ended up buying that dress for Mammon anyway lmaoo

-Spending too much time with Asmo is similar to the whole “I’m trying to be quiet in class but me and my friend keep laughing every time we look at each other”

-The way both of you have to strain yourselves from full on cackling when Lucifer has a go at either of you 😌

-Except you seriously can’t laugh because you will be ✨murdered✨

-“What do you mEAN YOU DON’T LIKE YOUR LAUGH, YOUR LAUGH IS GORGEOUS! NOT AS GORGEOUS AS MINE OBVIOUSLY BUT IT EASILY COMES IN SECOND!”

-That’s the kind of hype he gives you all day every day

Beel:

-The first time he properly heard you laugh was when you started making puns and you were laughing like crazy at your own jokes (samesies)

-And he just loves seeing you this happy because he gets happy and then he doesn’t even want to eat anymore, he just wants to hug you

-“I like your laugh. Do it again for me?”

-Your heart went doki doki

-It’s common for Beel to make you all flustered without meaning to and then you nervously start laughing again because you feel so awkward

-BUT your face brightens up so much when you start laughing or even smiling and he can’t help himself from complimenting you

-Your joyous and loud chuckles always cheer him up

-To the point where he completely forgets how hungry he is

-Took you a while to figure this one out but his mood sort of changes with yours??

-If you’re visibly sadder than usual, he his morale is also surprisingly low and he starts eating more than usual

-In comparison to when you’re all bubbly and doing that beautiful laugh of yours and he gets like these butterflies in his stomach instead of the usual pangs of pain and hunger

-So now he just wants to hear your voice in general on repeat for the rest of eternity

-Im not crying you are

Belphie:

-“You’re too loud dumbass, I’m tryin’ to nap here.”

-Will deadass throw a pillow at your face if you wake him up

-Like hes so rude and for what?

-He loves you and your annoying as fuck laugh, he really does I promise

-It’s a special, unique part of you and all that sappy crap

-But keep it up and you will have a very cranky boyfriend to deal with for the rest of the month

-He can be such an ass at times if he’s in a bad mood

-“I should tape your mouth shut.”

-“Kinky-“

-“Shut up.”

-But as much as he hates being woken up by somebody else, he would much prefer waking up to your voice rather anyone else’s

-You usually wake him up in the mornings to get ready for RAD and you start giggling every time he pulls a face at you and complains that he doesn’t wanna

-“What are you? An alarm clock?”

-And then he just sort of pulls you to him and goes with a completely straight face:

-“You’re annoying but you can be my alarm clock if you want to.”

-He’s either flirting or is so sleepy he’s being unusually soft hELP

—————————-

Thank you for reading! And for all the reblogs and follows. You guys don’t even know how much I appreciate your support. Especially at times when I’m not as motivated to write and now that the fandom has fizzled out a bit.

Also imma have to make a master list soon or something

Al~

[oikawaplssteponme]

Til Forever Falls Apart

pairing: (timeskip!) Tobio Kageyama x fem! reader

warnings: swearing, breakup, timeskip spoilers

genre: angst, established relationship

word count: ~2k

synopsis: A goodbye you always saw coming and the hello you never expected. He was and is your forever, only you weren’t his.

a/n: did i cry while writing this? most certainly i did not... (that is a lie) i love hurting my own feelings so now im gonna hurt yours. i need to stop writing angst for my favorite characters...reblogs are greatly appreciated! enjoy xx

═════════════════

“I don’t know what I’m gonna do.”

“Yes you do.”

“Y/N-”

“Tobio, this is an amazing opportunity. You can’t just say no to the Japan National Team,” you insisted. Kageyama looked back at his laptop. A frustrated sigh escaped his lips.

“But what about you-”

“Please don’t tell me you’re hesitant because of me?”

Kageyama grabbed your hand.

“We agreed that long distant relationships don’t work.”

“I still stand by that.”

“So if I decide to accept the offer-”

“Then we would have to break up. I know that.”

You had imagined this conversation a million times in your head. But now that it was here, it almost felt surreal. There was no doubt in your mind that Kageyama would play volleyball professionally, he was too talented not to. You knew that all along. From your days in high school to now, you knew there would be a point where the two of you would have to separate, but only for a little while.

“I don’t want to have to choose between us and them.”

“I don’t want you to either. I want you to accept the offer.”

You gently cupped Kageyama’s face, trying your best not to show that your heart was breaking by just looking at him.

“If you stay here, with me, I’ll never forgive you.”

“Come on Y/N-”

“Nope, I’m serious. Kags you’ll be miserable. You’ll pout around here and spend your days thinking ‘oh if only I accepted that offer instead of picking my dumb girlfriend’. You’re gonna see pictures of Hinata and all your friends and wish you were playing on the same court as them instead of watching them on a T.V. screen,” you said. Kageyama let out a soft chuckle.

“You’re not dumb.”

“But you are if you think I’m gonna let you stay here,” you smiled. Kageyama removed your hands from his cheeks, kissing them before holding them in his lap.

“I guess I would be pretty upset...”

“Exactly! Don’t worry, I’m always gonna be here. This opportunity won’t be.”

“What if you meet someone while I’m away? Or I meet someone-”

“If I find someone that makes me happier than you ever did, then that will be a miracle,” you chuckled.

“There’s no way I’d find anyone better than you.”

“So there is no need for us to worry. Besides, while you’re away you should be focused on volleyball, not me.”

Kageyama pulled you towards him, kissing the top of your head.

“I promise when I get back, I’m gonna ask you to be my girlfriend again,” he smiled. You giggled.

“I promise to say yes.”

“Can we stay together until I leave though?” He asked. You nodded.

“Sure Tobio. Break up at the airport?” Kageyama gave you a quick kiss.

“Break up at the airport.”

~

It was a few hours before Kageyama’s flight. The pit in your stomach wouldn’t go away, however you refused to show it. You wouldn’t show how much you were going to miss him, because if you did, you knew that he would stay.

You parked in the garage of the Tokyo Airport and began to help Kageyama with his bags.

“Are you sure you have everything?” You asks.

“I’m sure Y/N.”

Kageyama held his suitcase with one hand, and your hand with his other.

You two walked inside the large building. The whole team would be leaving together. You spotted the large crowd of similar apparel to Kageyama’s.

“Y/N! Kageyama! There you two are!” Hinata greeted the two of you excitedly.

“Hi Shoyo. It’s been a while,” you smiled.

“It really has. Kageyama never shuts up about you though so it feels like I see you all the time!” laughed Shoyo. Kageyama gave him a glare.

“At least I have a girlfriend to talk about,” he teased.

“Had,” you whispered. Kageyama’s eyes widened.

“What?” questioned Hinata. Kageyama shook his head.

“I’ll explain later. We’re supposed to be heading to security now,” he explained. You nodded.

“Right.”

The rest of the players began to wish their farewells to their family and friends. You handed Kageyama his final bag.

“So...”

“So...”

“I’m not entirely sure how to do this,” he admitted. You shrugged.

“I’m not too sure either. I’ve never had to break up with the love of my life before.”

“Come on Y/N don’t say it like that...”

“I’m sorry but it’s true...”

Kageyama didn’t know the right words. How do you break up with the love of your life?

He simply pulled you towards him, into the tightest hug imaginable. You buried your face into his shoulder, gripping onto the fabric of his jacket. You refused to cry. Not here.

“I love you,” he whispered. You gripped onto him a little tighter.

“I love you.”

“Alright, we’ve got a plane to catch!” announced the coach. You broke away from the hug, using all your power as to now bawl your eyes out.

Kageyama kissed your cheek.

“Maybe we should hold back on texting for a bit...just to make this a little easier.”

“Y-Yeah, you’re right. Could you at least text me when you land? Just so I know you’re safe?”

“Sure babe-I mean- Y/N. I will.”

“Thank you.”

“Kageyama! Let’s go!”

Tobio picked up his bags, giving you one final nod, before turning around and joining his team.

“I’ll be here when you get back,” you whispered, however he was already too far ahead to hear you.

You felt a hand pat your back gently.

“Oh Akaashi... did you come to say goodbye to Bokuto?” You asked. He nodded, wiping his glasses.

“Yeah. It’s never easy seeing them leave, is it?”

You sighed.

“Not at all.”

“Are you and Tobio doing long distance?”

“No actually, we just broke up.”

Akaashi’s eyes widened.

“Oh my god I’m sorry-”

“It’s okay. It’s for the best. Anyway, I know that when he gets back, we’ll get back together. He promised.”

Akaashi gave you a quick shoulder hug, letting out a sigh.

“For his and yours sake, I hope he keeps that promise.”

You sat in your car. Alone. You pressed your quivering lips together, shaking your head. You rested your forehead on the steering wheel as your teas dropped to the floor. You felt so empty. So powerless. You knew it would’ve been selfish to ask him to stay, but honestly the soreness in your heart made it seem like being selfish wouldn’t have been so bad. You sobbed in the parking lot, hoping no one would see you. Hopefully you were worried for nothing. That these months would pass with ease. That when you see him again, everything would go back to the way it was. You held onto that hope. You held on for dear life.

~

11 months later

“Yes I know-I can’t talk right now I’m supposed to meet Kags at the airport- yes I’ll call once I’m with him-I’m taking him out for dinner tonight so please don’t call- I mean that in the nicest way- okay bye.”

You hung up your phone call before grabbing your car keys. Today was the day. The day where you would see your beloved Tobio again. Where everything would be whole again.

You parked at the airport, funny enough in the same spot where you had dropped him off those months ago. You were so excited. You hadn’t spoken to Kageyama in months, and now you were finally gonna see him face to face. You could barely contain yourself.

You walked up the stairs to the same spot where you said goodbye the last time. You were glad to be saying hello instead.

“Y/N!” Akaashi waved you over. You smiled.

“Fancy seeing you here,” you teased. Akaashi chuckled.

“They should be here any minute now.”

You stared up at the escalators, waiting for him to appear. You could barely hold still. You had dreamed of this moment. When you would finally see him again, feel him again, kiss him again. You missed him more than anything.

You watched as a smiling Hinata waved from the top of the escalators. You waved back. You looked around for Kageyama. Still no sign of him. As more players began to show up, your heart rate picked up. Ever dark haired figure caught your eye, but none of them were Kageyama.

You soon saw a woman step onto the escalators. You didn’t think twice about it, assuming that she just happened to be on the same flight as them. It wasn’t until you saw Kageyama put his arm around her that your heart dropped to the floor.

It had to be friendly right? Maybe she was an assistant coach. That had to be it. You tried to prepare for the worst.

The Japan players greeted their family and friends, the room swelling up with love and anticipation. You watched as Kageyama and the woman walked closer to you. You kept your eyes on him. He finally spotted you. Kageyama’s face turned as white as snow, as if he had seen a ghost. You watched as he whispered something to the woman, before walking towards you.

“Y-Y/N...wow I didn’t expect to see you here,” he said nervously. You tilted your head.

“You didn’t think I was coming?”

“No no I just-here-” Kageyama gave you a quick, but strange hug. Certainly not the hug you had imagined after not seeing him for so long.

“Kags? What’s going on?” You asked. Kageyama scratched the back of his head.

“Listen Y/N...”

“Everything alright over here?”

The woman who walked out with Kageyama now stood behind him, her hand on his shoulder.

“Kags, what’s going on?” You repeated. Kageyama sighed.

“Y/N this is Mei. Mei, Y/N.”

“It’s nice to meet you-”

“Tobio Kageyama what is going on here?” You asked firmly. Kageyama took a step towards you.

“Y/N just let me explain-”

“Who is this bitch?” You shouted. The airport went silent. Mei scoffed.

“Excuse me but I happen to be his fiancé.”

The next sequence of events happened in slow motion. You walked backwards, stepping on your heart as you moved. You watched as Kageyama reached out for you but you shook him away. You turned around and headed for the parking lot.

“Mei wait here- Y/N WAIT-”

Kageyama chased after you. He stood before you, his hands on your shoulders.

“Look I wanted to tell you but I didn’t know how-”

“Bullshit. Don’t you ever lie to me again Tobio.”

“Please Y/N I didn’t expect this to happen but it just did-”

“Oh of course, you just happened to propose to a girl you’ve known for eleven months even though we dated since out first year of high school!”

“Hey you said that if I meet someone else-”

“Oh I know what I said that day- but I also know what you said! You promised that-”

“Y/N we were broken up! We are broken up! That was it! You didn’t actually think I wouldn’t meet someone else?”

You wiped away your tears forcefully, pushing Kageyama’s hands off of you.

“I did actually, I did think that! I thought that you would’ve waited for me how I waited for you! God, Kags we were perfect! We were supposed to be forever damnit!” You shouted. Kageyama clenched his fists.

“Well maybe our forever fell apart, didn’t it?”

You pressed your lips together, sniffling.

“It certainly did.”

Kageyama looked at you. This time, he was the one holding back any tears.

“I still want you in my life Y/N-”

“No. Absolutely not. You do not get to keep me around anymore. You clearly won’t miss me. You clearly didn’t miss me. I wish you and your blow-up doll over there nothing but the best, I really do-”

“Y/N don’t do this-”

“-I wish you both the forever that we never got. The one that we deserved. I really do.”

You began to walk away, watching as all eyes landed on you and Tobio. You stopped and looked at him once more.

“I guess I’m the miserable one now, aren’t I? Well that’s okay. At least I had the pleasure of loving you, I had the best time falling in love with you. I’ll let you know once I land.”

Kageyama began to walk back to her.

“Goodbye Tobio Kageyama. It was fun while it lasted.”

•

[general taglist: @lealofsblog @iwaisa @bakugousmymassa @evivn1 @tetsoleil @bokutory @vangoghmusings @moonlightaangel @misszenin @marajillana @sopesmin @alaina-rose13 @shotoful @katlingclaw ]

[izzyfandoms]

Right if you’re seeing this then I guess I finally managed to successfully put down all my thoughts on how I think the finale two-parter is gonna go! Yay!

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately lmao

(Edit: adding a Keep Reading cos this is LONG)

SO SVS2 ended pretty badly didn’t it. Yeah, Janus got accepted, but Roman is pretty clearly not doing great because of that - and quite understandably too

Janus treated him pretty badly in SVS1, manipulating him whilst simultaneously giving everyone the impression that going to the callback (following Thomas’s dreams, aka listening to Roman) was a bad thing. Now, did he do that deliberately? No, I don’t think so - I doubt Janus realised that his whole strategy in SVS1 just made everyone else more anti-callback, and I also doubt that he realised how much that hurt Roman

Just look at Janus’s behaviour in SVS2! He thoughtlessly admits that his flattery before was false (saying that he no longer needs to flatter him) - something that probably really hurt someone with such low self esteem like Roman. Like no wonder he lashed out, I’d be pretty upset too if I were in his shoes

And when Roman describes Janus’s behaviour in SVS1, Janus calls it a funny prank, likely not realising that that’s what Roman was referring to

(I’ve talked about this before, but watching Roman’s expressions when he reacts to Janus thoughtlessly saying these things is heartbreaking)

So, here we see that Janus treated Roman pretty badly in SVS1 - using him so he could get Thomas to do what he wanted - and then admitting to it in SVS2 like it was nothing

And I’m not saying this to be anti Janus, not at all, I love the guy! I’m just pointing it out to highlight one of - if not the - biggest flaw he has:

His selfishness and how self-centred he is

Now this probably comes pretty naturally to Janus, given his role, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t need to improve. Black and white morality comes naturally to Patton, and he still needs to wok on and is currently working on that. Being aggressive comes naturally to Virgil, but we’ve already seen him work on that

I don’t think he noticed how much his behaviour hurt Roman, and you can see that in SVS2 as he doesn’t seem to understand (or often notice) just how upset he was, and he didn’t seem to realise that what he did was wrong. He talked so casually about these things, and not in a smug way, but like it meant nothing - because that’s what it meant to him, so he doesn’t notice how it affects Roman

Janus doesn’t just do this with Roman either, you can see him basically doing this with Logan too, just without such an obvious reaction

He actively excludes Logan from things all the time - he silenced him in CLBG, he replaced and then excluded him in SVS1, and then replaced him again in SVS2

Logan above all else just wants to be listened to - by Thomas and by the other sides - and Janus is too focused on getting Thomas to listen to him then he is on how his behaviour hurts others. He doesn’t seem to think about how Logan just wants to be listened to too

Now Im sure you’re wondering how this is all relevent to the season finale two parter, which I already said that this post is about

Basically, I think that this is what the season finale two parter will be about

I think that Roman is going to continue opposing Janus, and that he’s going to turn to Virgil to assist him in doing so - as Virgil likely will, as he gets along well with Roman now and does not get along with Janus

(A lot of people seem to think that Roman’s going to go full dark side because of all this, and that that’s what the finale will be about, but I completely disagree. Mostly because from what we’ve seen so far that seems literally impossible. Sides are sorted into ‘light sides’ and 'dark sides’ by Thomas alone, it’s not a choice - Roman can’t just become a dark side because he feels like it

Virgil is only a light side because Thomas accepted him - which is part of the reason why I dislike how some people villainise him for leaving the dark sides. He decided to duck out, he didn’t decide to be accepted or to become a 'light side’. Choosing to befriend the light sides and choosing to duck out isn’t something I’d consider a betrayal

If the sides themselves decided who is 'light’ and who is 'dark’ then Janus at the very least probably never would’ve been a dark side. It’s not a real classification, because it’s purely based on how Thomas views his different traits)

I think that Roman and Virgil are going to confront Janus (with Thomas and Patton likely also present) and try to convince Thomas that he shouldn’t have been accepted. They’ll bring up the behaviour in SVS - perhaps even bringing up how the outcome was Janus’s fault, something you’ll know I firmly believe if you’ve been following me since before SVS2 - and we’ll probably also find out more details about Janus and Virgil’s history

(Janus probably felt betrayed when Virgil turned light side, despite how (as I said) it wasn’t entirely his choice, nor was it a bad thing as it benefitted Thomas greatly. Janus probably had a more self-centred view than he should’ve, but Virgil was probably less than sympathetic to Janus’s perspective and lashed out. That’s just some general speculating though, I’m really not sure and I’m quite excited to find out more about their history)

Janus will finally actually realise how his behaviour hurts people - or I guess the other sides, as they’re not people. He’ll probably get defensive at first, but I think he’ll realise and try to improve by the end of the finale

Hopefully lol - if not then I guess we won’t have the happiest ending to season 2

But this is not the only thing I think will happen in the finale, oh no

Because we’re missing two very important characters here - two characters who have probably been the most impacted by Janus’s behaviour, more than anyone else

Remus and the orange dark side

(This is honestly the main reason why I disagree with the fandom’s popular view of the dark sides as a family similar to the light sides. Because Janus was the one actively hiding Remus up until DWIT, and still is the one actively hiding Orange. He seems to have a lot of control over it, too, as he was able to reveal himself and seemed to Choose to reveal Remus in DWIT when it suited him

Hiding the dark sides seems to have been less Thomas’s choice than the dark side/light side split - this is something the sides involved seem to have actual control over

That doesn’t seem like a family dynamic to me - one hiding the other two from Thomas, someone who is basically Everything to the sides - and if it was/is one it doesn’t seem like the healthiest

Again, I’m not trying to villainise Janus here either. This was his job - he did it because he thought it was best for Thomas - and it’s a lot more complicated than Janus just locking the two of them away out of cruelty. He isn’t the sole side to blame, though he was the actual action of hiding them. Remus (despite the fact that he seems to desire attention more than anything else, the one thing Janus deprived him of) doesn’t seem to hold much of a grudge - though most of this I believe is due to Remus as a character. He isn’t really the grudge-holding type, though I really doubt he likes Janus much

Virgil talking about how Remus “used to really unsettle” him, and Remus describing DWIT as “just like old times” seems to support this in my opinion. They don’t seem to have ever been close, so I doubt the dark sides as a whole were/are close

I believe the dark sides were split between Virgil and Janus (the two dark sides with control - Virgil being allowed out, and Janus being in control of hiding himself and the other two), and Remus and Orange (the two hidden))

Anyway I’m rambling a little lol

BASICALLY, I think that Roman and Virgil are going to confront Janus, and that nearer to the end of it (either when the tension is at its highest, or when the characters are starting to come to some kind of agreement) Remus and Orange are going to pop up and bring themselves into it

I think this partly because this is very relevent to them, but also because I firmly believe that Orange will be introduced by the end of the season so they can have a new intro with all the sides in season 3

I think that throughout these two part episodes Patton will probably be mostly on Janus’s side, and that Logan will probably be the most neutral party, though his side of things (being repeatedly excluded by Janus) will probably be brought up by either Roman or Virgil

Most likely Virgil

So overall this will be about Janus and his self-centredness and how it’s harmed the other sides, and Thomas finally properly confronting how perhaps suppressing multiple different traits of himself were a bad thing

Aaaand that’s about it! Sorry that this got really rambly lol, I just have a lot of thoughts and wanted to fit them in

I love Janus - he’s one of my favourites, probably The Favourite side rn honestly, and I adore overanalysing him

Please don’t start discourse in the reblogs/comments, though debates and sharing your own thoughts on the matter are always welcome! Pls don’t bring any unsymp sides stuff into this either, as that makes me pretty uncomfortable

[lowkeysebastianstan]

hey there. I totally get your frustration with endgame and the ending. I wasn't happy and I'm not happy how half the fandom tells me/us how we have to look at it. how we have to accept it. how the actors are happy with it and so should we. how the writers/producers - okay, I'm gonna leave them out of this seeing neither of them have any idea what they have done in the first place. after all they disagree on everything in every interview since the release. and isn't that funny? (1/?)

how even they are not on one side with the movie? what I despise most right now when it comes to this movie and this fandom is how we are treated. how we should tag our “hate” - which I think is funny since I didn’t hate the movie entirely. I hated pieces of it, like I did with past movies. I never liked doctor strange and even back then people were allowed to mention how casting cumberbatch for the part wasn’t the smartest idea they had. (2/?)

people want us to be happy with an ending that doesn’t make sense to us and they appreciate and are “allowed” to shove down our throats with their happy posts about a perfect ending. how is taking tony’s life after he finally married pepper and got a daughter is perfect? how is sending steve back to peggy after they did everything in their power to convince us he moved on from his past life…how is that perfect? (3/?)

you can probably tell I’m bitter. I really am. there’s not a day that goes by I’m not frustrated with what we got after ten years and 22 movies. however, I thought to myself what would it give me to cling on to this on my blog. would it change anything? I do know I’m not alone. I see so many people agreeing with this anger and it gives me some sort of peace. at the end of the day, though, it’s also important to see what it gives to you. (4/?)

talking to one of my closest friends about it and voicing my frustration with the end helps me more than keep posting about it. because in the end it won’t change a thing. the longer I surround myself with the frustration and anger and everything that comes with this not being what I had hoped for the more it pushes me from the fandom. of course everyone do as they please and I get people who want to get it out of their system. (5/?)

but maybe sitting down and look at what the constant repeating will give you in the end, realizing where it might end, could help finding some kind of peace for you. I’d hope for you to enjoy the parts of the fandom that still apply to you. I really like your blog and you as a person and I’d hate to see one of my fave people on this site to leave (I lost count, but this is the last)

whew! hi right back, that was quite something. 

i feel ive answered this ask before, was that also you?

i mean, yeah. i know im not alone, i do. i see some of it on my dash, but not a lot, since ive had to block every marvel related tag just to keep from indulging in some light murder (just gentle ones, not to worry), and i really cannot fathom why ppl on the other side of the isle can’t do the same? or if you’re getting tired of the negativity? blacklist. or unfollow, block even. 

as ive said a few times lately, ive been here 6 years. and this is the first time ive aired my frustration in any noticeable way. sure there’s been a few occasions where i got the salt shaker out, but that was in relation to much more limited subjects, and it was a post or two at the most. 

ive been frustrated with previous movies too, but ive kept my trap shut, ive just gone on, kept my queue stocked, giffed the rare set and hid behind pretty solid content, no drama, not personality, no engagement. 

and it’s not too bad, to just be anonymous, to look at the pretty, spread the pretty, do the occasional tag rant, and let that be it. 

but.

when i came back after a long hiatus last autumn i started writing again. i posted a psa where i apologised for the fact that i would reblog my writing on this blog, i informed what tags i was gonna use, and for the first time i actually checked my follower count before and after. i lost 20 followers the first day. for posting writing. my writing. that was tagged to a ridiculous degree. and i saw a fair few more disappear before the exodus, and idk. i made me realise a thing or two.

one, people like my blog and the content i post

two, they’re only here for that content

three, to have a strictly themed blog will limit you horribly

four, my followers in general don’t give a shit about me, only about the content i post, which fair enough

five, i care about that, even if i don’t care about the follower count as such, i do care that the ones i have actually like me

six, which is completely absurd bc none of them knows me at all, i never show myself

but that was then. this is now. and the last weeks has made me realise the most important thing of all, i dont care any more. why the fuck should i? when my showing any kind of negativity about something that i did care a whole lot about but i no longer have?

endgame might have killed all my enthusiasm for the mcu, and it fucking hurts. it’s been a staple in my life for years, ive invested my time, my creativity, my love and my goddamn money, and ive got jack shit to show for it. i have a blog that i used to love, but is becoming alien to me, and that hurts too. ive invested a lot in this blog too, after i deleted a few of my other blogs a couple of years back, this is by far my biggest one. and im torn tbh. 

do i want to leave it? no, i don’t. can i go back? honestly? i doubt it. if my love for the mcu is gone, well so is bucky. and lets be real, a sebastian stan blog with no bucky? i cannot really see it, can you?

but hey. ill make you a deal, all of you. ill ease up on the memes, i won’t stop bc i have a few scheduled, you guys blacklist or unfollow if you dont want to see them, and ill see about sprinkling in some sebastian content if i can find any i deem worth it. 

also i don’t have any close irl friends to air my frustrations with, everyone here loved this crap, and that’s not really the discourse im looking for. but im happy for you, it sounds nice :)

hope you’re having a great day! 

eta: i won’t leave btw. not unless the porn hub thing comes into fruition. just so you know, and if anyone cares. just sayin. 

eta2: also? the fact that i, or we, are complaining and being pissed at the movie, but the opposition are attacking us for doing that? instead of, again, fucking blacklist and leave us the fuck alone? yeah, doesn’t help with the bitter. if y’all are so threatened by our arguments, maybe you should reevaluate your own, seems you’re trying a bit too hard there. i don’t want to take enjoyment from anyone, i envy you too much for that, but ffs, just leave me the fuck alone to deal with it. (that’s not @ you, that’s to them)

eta3: and thank you for saying im someone you like. but see? ive been trolling you all, im terrible. and i expect you don’t like me as much now anyways. but thank you, it was nice to hear nevertheless.

[starsmuserainbow]

🌸 🌹 🌻 🍀 🌱 🌲 🌴 🌵 🍁 💐 🌿

Munday Symbols!

Thank you for sending! Also wow so many!

🌸 = my roleplay petpeeve 

Hmm. Well, this isn’t quite a peeve, and it’s not really a thing I hate, but, something that gets me nervous and/or confused everytime?People not liking things. Like, I sure understand where it comes from, to not clog up your likes or anything (though tbh, can that even work? I doubt I’d ever manage to keep my likes to a low number anyway) or maybe some other reason too, but whenever I answer an ask of someone, especially IC-wise, as in an actual RP-starter or drabble or whatever; or worse a starter or something, and they don’t ‘like’ it, I mentally start going crazy about it. Did they not like it? Should I have done something different? Maybe they never saw it? Did they just not ‘like’ it because they don’t do that? Do they still appreciate (and maybe want to continue) it? Should I IM them and ask, or is that a taboo and like pushing them or being clingy or whatever?Like, ugh. So much worried thoughts over something as simple as a tiny heart-button.

🌹 = my opinion on your character 

I like Terra a lot! I always felt for her, and her story was so painful and sad and I so much wished for her to regain (or show) her memories after she appeared again as a schoolgirl, and for her to return to the Titans! It was shocking to learn that many people outright hate her, and yeah, what else can I say? Cool girl, sad happenings, she deserved more!

🌻 = a character I wish to write with 

I’m trying to not name who I’d usually name here, so I’ll name Cyborg! It’s such a pity that he doesn’t seem to exist as RP-char? Like every other of the main 5 is here with one or more blogs, and other characters too, but I’ve never really seen too much of (a) Cyborg around!

Also: Mar’i please!

🍀 = a ship I wish to write 

Two again mention two, I mentioned Red X with Blackfire in my shipping-info-posts recently, and of course there’s never enough RobStar (and for a third I technically mentioned Jericho with Wildfire too, though basically I only want a Joey to write with and it doesn’t have to be/become a ship in that way); but to name something else, hmm... no, sorry, I actually can’t think of any particular ship! I definitely wanna do more in regards to shipping though, going for any (or at least most) of my muses, I feel like I’m really bad at it (or maybe I simply haven’t gotten the chance to try too much with it yet) and I’d really like to change that. But since I tend to take a while to ‘feel’ a ship, maybe I’m just not supposed to.

🌱 = a plot I want to write with you

Well, to a thing I wrote about it (or was it a meme I reblogged?) you said that you were interested in, or willing to, do a power-switch thing with me, so my first idea is that!

🌲 = if I ship our characters together

I... never really considered it much? I mean, I think we may have talked about it before so I considered it in some way, but not ‘really’ I guess (if you understand what I mean)? I assume it is just as possible as it is with any of the other Titans, since they were close, so I guess I’m open to trying? Like stated above, I tend to have a difficult time with ships so my apologies for not answering this any better!(And I’m assuming you don’t want answers for my other muses here - wouldn’t be any surprising answer anyway I guess, since with Blackfire she’s more on a ‘enemy’-relationship and, unless you count some memes [or maybe only one that was an actual RP-situation? I don’t really remember that well xD] that I think you sent to Wildfire a while ago, Terra hasn’t met any of my other muses. As for with your Dark!BB, we’re kinda working on getting him and Nega!Star together so I can see that and definitely wanna continue our trying; and the others probably no since enemy for Star and Blackfire isn’t really interested in one looking just like one of the Titans - though here like for any other combinations of our muses, I don’t mind trying it if you want)

🌵 = a disliked canon character in my fandom

Like said in the previous answer I gve to the meme, I hope I understand this right by stating someone of canon that I dislike. Though, since I don’t really have anyone I’d say I ‘dislike’, I’m gonna go with ones where I’m just ‘meh’ about.

And the next one to mention there would be... General Immortus, I guess, at least he’s the next one I can spontaneously think of.

🍁 = my opinion on multimuse blogs

They’re okay! Which probably doesn’t sound too positive, but I don’t know how to better word it! Like, sure, I may not be into all of their muses, but as long as they don’t like fill my dash with 1834653490437 posts all at once (or within like half an hour) for all of their characters or something, I don’t really mind it if a blog has more than one muse!

On that note, I’m terrible at choosing though (both my own muses or others), so that always brings me a bit to a difficulty in regards to sending stuff to multimuse-blogs - not that I’m too good at sending stuff to people in the first place.

💐 = my favorite part about the fandom

The art was what I mentioned in the previous answer, next... well, uh. That there are still people RPing from the cartoon, when it has been gone for a good while already! I was so happy to find people here to share my obsession love for TT with!

🌿 = my least favorite part about the fandom

I don’t think this is really about this one fandom, as I believe it is the case almost everywhere, but: Ship wars. I assume they had been stronger when the show was on, but when I find in the tags how people insult characters because they are in, or people because they ship, a different ship than what they themselves prefer for a character, it’s just stupid. Stupid and childish. Just let people do what they want, and if you feel the need to bash another character to show how good your ship is? You’re doing something very wrong.

[chainsawb0y]

hi sorry for not really doing much lately ive been kinda super out of it but when am i not anymore 

more venty stuff under the readmore tldr: shit sucks and im decorating my house and i hate myself the usual affairs if you read it all the way through i commend you for your dedication for wanting to know why im bummed out rn. this is basically like a long rambling thing that i kept adding shit to in random places

tw: dysphoria

i keep thinking about things and just feeling generally kinda bad about lots of shit and like it swings a lot from me feeling like happy and then just being totally fucking miserable at random all the time. i dont know what it is but its annoying the shit out of me. i feel like im ok like 10% of the time and then the other 60% is me feeling like shit and 30% trying to recover from feeling like shit 

ive been decorating my house too and thats been shit tbh my housemate gets stressed out and then takes it out on me but i cant afford to go anywhere else and id rather be dead than live with my mother and i just dont want to live in the city where my dad is

i want to do more stuff creatively this year but every time i pick up the pen i just think of my long term ambitions and realise this website isnt exactly the best for it anymore, but theres nowhere else i feel comfortable posting it anymore. i keep doubting myself and my work and when i draw certain characters i get anxious im going to be accused of ripping other people off. i know it wont happen, but i just have horrible anxiety when it comes to these things. i want to work but i feel like nobody takes me seriously as an artist or a comedian. i know where a lot of my self doubt/anxiety comes from but its just upsetting because i have so much stuff in my head that i cant even bring myself to do because i just dont see the point of it. i know it’ll get no attention at all whatsoever apart from roughly 2 likes, 3 reblogs and then at least 5 self reblogs from me desperately trying to get someone to see something i spent so long on. i dont do art for myself, i do it for other people to see the cool stuff i made up to entertain people and i like to make people happy and i just get upset constantly feeling like nobody is seeing anything because this hellsite is going down the shitter and people are jumping off like old people from a sinking ship. slow and fucking painfully because of the fucking bots everywhere

im like, constantly bitching about gender and sexuality shit but like.......... i always feel like im never gonna have anyone really love me. . like. people like me. people know who i am. nobody knows me. nobody gets me. i know thats bullshit lone wolf talk but like im not even kidding tbh.  im so massively fucking lonely it hurts it just fucking hurts so much i just fucking miss feeling like someone actually cares about me . i feel like i have no friends sometimes. like, i have online friends who i love with all my heart but i just dont feel like i have people in real life i can really talk to about deep personal shit. i dont feel close to people irl anymore and i cant understand why. i feel like this is cause of some bad shit thats happened in the past and its just made my brain turn off the “trust people” switch. my brains gone from “everyone is friend” to “everyone is person and people scare and upset me so i cant engage properly because i dont know what they will do. must keep some kind of distance, put on some kind of persona or something and be nice” i dont know what that persona is but im sure as fuck not able to look into it without being some kind of horrible mess. i dont know if im nice or not. i dont know who the fuck i am and it freaks me out because im sure i have some kind of horrible thing deep inside me that i have to cover up by being overly nice and sweet and an actual doormat .. most of the times the conversations i have with real people always have some kind of sex talk in them at one point and i dont have the heart to tell people it makes me uncomfy. i want to talk to people again and i want to go out more, but i just dont know how to get myself outside with people without feeling massively anxious or just feeling like nobody wants me around. like i feel like nobody ever really thinks about me in the least selfish sense. i know it sounds weird and narcissistic but i never get messages off people. i try to interact with people. i want to be friends with people but i just dont feel like i fit in anywhere and i really wish i did. i wish i felt like i could anyway. every time i go out i just feel like i dont belong anywhere with anyone and i thought i did for a little while but then i just couldn’t afford to go out anymore and it just went away immediately. i dont know why but sometimes i get really overloaded by people really quickly but when im outside i find it really easy. i just wish it was easier to talk to people about things. its like whenever i talk to anyone i immediately worry that im being weird or dumb talking about specific aniamtion things or stuff i can actually contribute to but everyone else is always talking about politics or sex so like.... i cant contribute ever cause most of the time its sex stuff or devolves into sex stuff and i just ?????? cant

also dysphorias back whee i hate having a chest it makes me so mad that i cant wear nice things because im constantly paranoid people will see my chest and assume im a girl. i hate people see my face and assume im a girl. i would rather see myself slowly rot away than take female hormones to solve my hormone issues because i dont want to lose what little i had that makes me look a little bit masculine and i know it sounds fucking idiotic but oh my god im so sick of looking and sounding like a girl!!!!!!!! i hate being called miss !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i hate that my mother wont even call me ash !!!!!!!!!! 2/3 of my family members refuse to think im not a girl and i want to die bc of it !!!!!!!!!!!

im just fuckin trying to deal with all this stupid fucking shit and i keep getting appointments for help cancelled and pushed back and i need help but i never get it !! : ))) the only help i managed to get just ended up talking about fucking specifically sex shit and it made me so uncomfortable i never went back !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! even tho its literally the only place i can go for trans/ace specific help !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[jamiedodgerart]

if you're happy to tell us, i'd love to head more about ur inquisitor :00!! his debates with dorian sound fun

:DDD yeah sure! soz this is late

pica’s 1/6 of an inch tall

(im kidding. his name was originally a pun, but not a typography one - he’s a rehash of an old oc i had way back in the day, who was based off a magpie. hes actually on the short side for a dwarf, i want to say around 4′3″)

he was a lyrium smuggler before the inquisition, and specifically was the front man who sold it. he’s a champion liar and man of many faces, and knows how to disappear in plain sight (which is easy if you’re a dwarf and most law enforcement on the surface are humans. to a human guard dwarves all look the same and theyre too short to really get a good look at their faces). he had a pretty transient lifestyle- he didn’t get tied down, didn’t get too attached to anyone or anything, had pretty few posessions. he was 26 (or the dwarf equivalent of 26. hows dwarf aging work in dragon age anyway) when the carta got him to spy at the conclave, and you know how that went

look ok. the first half of his career as inquisitor was just. wingin’ it. no one really knew what the fuck he was supposed to be doing, least of all him, so he just pretended he knew what he was doing till, i wanna say the end of into the abyss. after talking to mal hawke some he learned that, hey, everyone’s always winging it, and also that his decisions kind of really mattered. (and that those decisions he makes can. kill people) for the first time in his life, he realizes hes actually important, and what he does changes things on the large scale

so after that, he got to thinking. the world kinda sucks. and it sucked before the war. and the leaders of thedas are really not doing all that much about it, except trying to kick each other in the nuts while their enemies are weak and completely forgetting that politics Cannot Survive as a practice if theres no farmers able to make food for diplomats to eat. so, orlais, if your farmland is all gunched up with battlefields, then you need to fix that, don’t you. but the inquisition is really, really good at providing stability! it’s good at establishing patrols, safe trade routes, providing local employment, and is a fairly reliable consumer of local goods. so pica capitalized on that, and quietly spread inquisition presence all over southern thedas. this led to immense inquisition influence, with very little fanfare.

you can guess why the rulers of thedas tried to get rid of him as soon after corypheus was taken care of as possible. they branded him a tyrant and like. ok. they werent like. super far off. bc at this point he was kinda trying to see how much of the world he could take over before anyone noticed/tried to stop him and also figured he could do like, a way better job at leading it than the current rulers could. and he wasnt beholden to anyone either (not like empress celene! elected to her throne by… uhhhhhhhhhhh divine providence or something. i mean shes doing an ok job but like i didnt vote for her) so if he really really wanted to he could go full dragon reborn

ive got off topic but point is he figures humans have had their go and they fucked it up, so it’s a dwarf’s turn and he’s going to put the world back together himself. (ps hey bioware can we have some dwarf stuff in the next game. im js. weve had a whole load of elf nonsense and its nice and all but dwarfs had a cool ancient society too yknow)

after trespasser he elects to keep the inquisition around, because he worked hard to make this glue keeping the bits of thedas stuck together and he’ll be damned if he’ll let solarse and his minions screw it up. but it gets nerfed heavily and hes pissed about it

he romanced cassandra! i really like their relationship- they look to each other for moral guidance. pica knows he can get flighty and relies on her to keep him in line, and always asks her for advice when he sees her in the courtyard. he usually doesn’t follow it but he feels it’s important to have her perspective on things

they disagree on a lot of stuff (like he made celene and briala co-leaders but she was in favor of gaspard) but he trusts her judgement, and supported her in becoming the divine

he’s a little weird about religion, specifically relating to the stone. the surfacer part of him that hates caves is like pff hippie garbage, but the bit that’s generations old and wants to belong to a larger whole of a culture is Super Into It. cole said he felt the stone’s presence around pica one time and externally he didnt react but internally he was yelling WHAT THE FUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKKKKKK I LIVED IN SUCH PEACEFUL IGNORANCE I DIDNT NEED TO KNOW THAAAAAT and after the mythal thing hes like fuck believe what you want. whatever floats your boat. we live in a world where nugs have little people hands so if it comforts you to know a god did that then live your truth

re mages he figures theres a way better way for them to fit into society than the circle. its dumb. they can LIFT THINGS WITH THEIR MINDS. USE THAT FOR BUILDING. they can HEAL WOUNDS WITH THEIR MINDS. THEY CAN TALK TO SPIRITS AND SHIT THEY CAN PROBABLY FLY WHY ARENT WE USING THIS THEY’RE WASTED IN TOWERS LEARNING TO SHOOT FIREBALLS OR WHATEVER people who fear magic are cowards. chantry more like sham-try. 

hes big on research and development. he sent samson to dagna for research and in the au where mal lives he sent anders to her too. cos. like. dude COEXISTS WITH A SPIRIT. thats cool as SHIT how does it WORK. 

(im gonna make a post abt the mal lives au soon. its good)

hes largely responsible but he has also impulse bought at least three stuffed dragons. also, if the textiles technology were available, hed have dragon jammies. it’s the little things in life.

he collects notes he’s found talking about him and hangs them up by his desk. his favorite is the one samson wrote calling him a damnable rogue. he says hes doing things right, if he’s making people mad

hes trans! im not sure how thatd be regarded in dwarf society, in undergrounders i doubt it’d be very acceptable given their emphasis on reproduction, but house cadash has been on the surface for generations and has probably adopted more liberal views on lgbt stuff. either way hes not very open about it, and it’s really easy to pass when he’s around humans (i get the feeling dwarves and humans look for different things, when they’re trying to guess gender. for example hes got some beard scrub, which in human terms means male but in dwarven terms probably either means very young male or unkempt female) (the added implication to this is that varric might keep his beard to stubble so he looks younger) he met krem and had an instant Trans Solidarity moment, which also comes with the Trans Fear that the person Knows that you’re trans and could out you. it’s a weird kind of trust and for me feels like that one performance art piece with the people holding the bow and arrow. anyway hes cool w krem but doesnt talk to him all that much. theyve got pretty different interests.

his best friends are probs cole and dorian! he’s very curious, and likes to hear different perspectives on things. he and dorian often play chess and discuss all sorts of stuff. they end up yelling a lot because they both want to talk but the other started saying something before they were done with their point, which they started saying before the other was done with their point, and so on. he doesnt get very far in the slavery argument until hawke starts chillin at skyhold more regularly and can adequately school him on the state of tevinter slavery (fuck i gotta make a post about that. mal’s had a lot of development since i last talked about him)

he listens very seriously to cole’s observations. he can really appreciate the input of someone who watches so much more than speaks, and heartily supported his ventures in becoming more human.

he also gets along very well with josephine and likes to trick her into taking days off. hes also always down to chat w dagna and scout harding! and varric, of course. it’s always nice to talk to someone without having to crane his neck up at them all the time

(this is the reason he doesnt usually spend time w bull. hes just too tall and its uncomfortable knowing your face is at your friend’s dick height while ur trying to discuss battle strategy)

uhh trivia, at one point i thought i’d fucked up cassandra’s romance by not flirting with her enough so i meant to go for dorian’s instead, bc while i had wanted to romance cass since uhh i dunno one of my mutuals first reblogged a picture of her, i underestimated how charming and cool of a guy dorian ended up being. so in canon i say pica had a crush on both of them for a little while

its late and i think i got mostly everything so enjooooooy

as a parting gift, this is him

[chibinekochan]

Cinderella on the Moon Mystic Messenger fairytale  part 7

part 1   part 2   part 3   part 4   part 5   part 6

rating : teen

Genre: fairytale fluff , fantasy and drama

Notes : Im working on part 8 stll but i hope its soon done and I still work on the artwork I just got sidetracked with drawing something else.

Comments , likes and reblogs are highly appreciated by me.

She walked in the direction of the castle while the sun had reached its peak taking a toll on Cinderella she felt tired and thirsty. The path was dragging endlessly she looked around for water or at least shade but their was nothing to find. She sighed slightly she had to hurry to the castle but the way was so long. She still could not even see it. Somehow she almost missed the forest at least it was shady their.

“I really should had brought more water with me....” Cinderella sighed while she was thinking out loud. “Indeed but you are in luck little miss.” Cinderella turned around to see a tall white haired man with red eyes and a very light skin color Cinderella was quite taken back by his strange eye color but lately she had seen so many strange thinks that it almost was normal to her. “How so?” She asked carefully. After all the man could just be a robber or a shady man. “I happen to have some extra water with me.” The man held a bottle up. “You can have it if you want to.” The man smiled at Cinderella but she was not stupid she just met that stranger and she had learned to not take anything from strangers. “Sorry but I rather not take this from you.” Cinderella looked at him carefully. “Ah I see you don´t trust me. I can´t blame you I must look too good to be true right?” The man was laughing. Cinderella´s doubts only became stronger she moved a bit away from him. “ No not really I just don´t trust strangers.” Cinderella was eyeing the tall man while thinking over her possible escape route. “ Of course that makes sense these days you really can not be careful enough. Specially with man.” The man was nodding strongly. Somehow that amused her since he was the most suspicious man she encountered so far. “But I a really just being nice here I prove that my water is all good.” The man said and took a huge sip from the bottle before holding it out in  Cinderellas direction.  “ I think I rather would fill my own bottle up by a  river or a well...” The thought of drinking from the same Bottle as the stranger somehow embarrassed Cinderella. “Ah you are a bit shy I see. Well if that what the lady prefers then I shall provide her with the freshest river water around here.” The man spoke in a very over dramatic manner. It was quite amusing to her. “If you could show me one I would be really thankful Sir.” Cinderella smiled slightly at him. “Sir hm.. that has a kind of nice ring to it but really I prefer if you call me Zen little miss.” For a moment he looked a bit embarrassed but Cinderella brushed that off. “Okay Sir Zen in that case you can call me Cinderella.” She was still really unsure about the man so she tried to keep her distance. “Is that really your name?” It sounded really strange to him. “Well everybody calls me that so I got used to it...” Cinderella turned a bit sad from this. Zen just looked at her with a rather strange look on his face hr thought for a moment but then he decided to not say anything to that. “Well If that what you want then I will call you Cinderella too.” It was like he felt bad for Cinderella but he also could not do much about it. “Over there is the river Cinderella.” Zen pointed in a direction and Cinderella decided to follow him but she kept careful around him. They arrived at the cool water stream not long after and after Cinderella took a few sips from the fresh water they continued on. “So where are you headed Zen?” Cinderella got a bit curious of the man since he just kept walking with her. “I´m on the way to the Castle and where are you heading ?” Zen sounded really casual. “I am also on the way their but their was a attack the other day and I think they are really careful right now so they might not let you in.” Cinderella thought that if she found him a bit strange the guards would feel the same way about him. “ Oh that sounds bad but I was really hoping I could play at the ball...” Zen sighed a bit. “So you are a musician.” Somehow that made sense to her since Zen was looking to her like some sort of free spirit. “Well I have to make a living till I find my stolen treasure at least...” Zen was sighing even more. “Treasure ?” This sounded a bit odd to Cinderella. Zen was really not looking like he had a treasure anywhere. “ Ahg that just slipped out forget about it. When I find the one that stole it that person gonna pay for it.” Suddenly Zen looked really serious. Cinderella was not sure what to say to this so she just said: “ Well I hope you find what you are looking for then.” She smiled slightly. “I am quite sure I will somehow I have the feeling it is really close by. And what brings a young lady like you to visit the castle ? Don´t tell me you have a crush on the prince and ran away from home to meet him.” Zen looked at the big bag that Cinderella had with her. “ No I never even seen the prince. I bring supplies for the ball and I was told to help their with the preparations.” Cinderella was wondering how Zen even came up with that idea. “Ah so there is no prince waiting for just yet hm ? Sounds like a really important mission , in that case would allow me to escort you to the castle ?” Zen made a melodramatic inviting gesture towards Cinderella who looked slightly amused at him. “Well you go in the same direction anyways so I suppose we can go together.” Cinderella looked at him a bit less doubtful then before. “I am glad you accept my proposal.” Zen sounded a bit victorious. Cinderella sighed  a bit, but maybe now the way would at least not feel that far she thought. Suddenly she thought on V again how bad he looked and how bad Saeyoung looked it made her very sad. Zen picked up on the sudden gloom on Cinderellas face: “Anything that brothers you little miss ?” He sounded really worried his sudden change surprised Cinderella she looked in his direction with a sad look. “I was just thinking about the family I work for they have a really hard time right now. I just wish I could help them somehow.” Cinderella thought on V´s words and on how Saeyoung reacted. “I see you really have a kind heart I´m sure you do your best. What are they dealing with ,maybe I can assist somehow.” Zen was looking almost like before again less serious and more playful. “I doubt you can do much my Lord got injured and my Lady disappeared and their son has a really hard time because of that..” Cinderella looked to the ground. “That sounds really terrible. I am really sorry to hear that.” Zen had a really serious look on his face. He almost looked like a different person. Zen was thinking for a bit till he made his mind up : “If there is anything I can do I will gladly support you.” He could not really do much either but he could not leave a young maiden all alone in her misery either. “That is a really nice offer. Actual how much do you know about Royal Balls ?” Since that was the other mission they gave her. “ The Royal ball ? I have some experience with that, do you want me to ask you to join me ?” Zen again had returned to his laid back way. “No I wont be joining a Ball I am only commoner after all. But part of my mission is to take my Ladys place in preparing the Royal ball.” Cinderella explained while ignoring his joke. “Hm I was really looking forward to ask you...but in that case I can help you but only if you hire me as a musician. That was my goal anyway.” Zen sounded a bit disappointed but he got right back up.

“That sounds fair but I will have to see your skills first and I really don´t know how far my authority will reach. If I am not allowed to hire anyone I wont be able to pay you.” Cinderella could not just hire random people after all nor had she any idea if she could even hire anyone. “ I am willing to take that risk I know my skills are second to none and in worth case you sure find a way to compensate me somehow.” Zen sounded really smug and ten he winked to Cinderella who had no idea what he meant. “Well I can pay you over a few month back in worth case.” She was sure that was what he meant. “I see this conversation will not get anywhere right now so I will have to talk with you later about this.” Zen sounded a bit disappointed in Cinderellas reaction but then again he was not giving up. Cinderella nodded a bit confused .

[ilygsd]

odfidk: 270618

i cry at least once aday cus im only surrounded by whites but like.... there are poc here. theres other adoptees of color and some poc in my DM’s wanting to chat with me and maybe even hang out but fuuuCKKK WHAT IS WRONG WTH ME WHY AM I NOT SOCIAL

i also always cry about how social and happy i used to be but im doing anything about it lmao. like i KNOW that in order to get my shit together i need to sleep and eat and exercize and shit..... do i do that?? absolutely the fuck no cus i love to feel sorry for mysel and watch myself destroy everything

i hate myself, i hate my life i can feel the anxiety coming and when that is i always call my mom but she’s white and im so  paranoid i dont trust white people with anything i REALLLY RESLLY REALLY want a therapist of color but my lazy ass cant even manage to call one cus i’d rather lie in my bed and DIE than doing smth productive with my life

also im together with a white dude and just thinking about how confused i am about this relationship makes me want to die alone. i cant trust my own thoughts and feelings but i SURE AS HELL cant trust anyone else either. not white people, no poc and not adoptees of color either. the only person i trust is my partner cus they know me better than anyone else and theyre wise but fuck i dont trust them either cus i cant even manage to tell them this cus ive already been such a horrible partner and i dont want to huet them but hey no its not even about that. its about ME not wanting to lose them cus im so fucking selfish which is only another reason i should break up. if you knew what a horrible partner, friend and human being ive been you’d all hate me. im such a hypocrite and when i hear my partner forigve me despie me KNEOING what i am like.......

how will i ever find someone who loves me like them. i’ll never find anyone like them. does it really matter that they’re white in that case? yes it does can i’d literally kILL myself if our children were to become white. how can i love myself after all of this. im holding onnto a dream of re-visiting my homecountry and my birth place. im holding omto a dream of learning mandarin and more abt my culture and get lots of chinese and asian friends but like..... who am i kidding. that wont solve my problems. what i feel is so much deeper. what i feel is nothing that can be fixed

IM SO FUCKINF SAD EVERYONE. IM SO SAD AND I MISS MY BIOLOGIAL PARENTS SO FUCKING MUCH. I HATE EVERYONE BUT ONLY BC I DONT KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH MY OWN SELF HATRED AND DISSATISFACTION. IM SO SAD AND FRUSTRATED AND LONELY AND I JUST WANT TO BE IN MY MOMS BELLY.

why did it turn out like this. what am i so problematic snd why am i not doing anything about it. why did i destroy and fux up every single relationship i ever had. why cant i love my adoptive family like anyone else. but why al i not strong enough to cut them off. is it bc i actually love them? or is it bc im scared of being alone? will i love them again when i’ve healed, when i’ve revovered from whatever it is im revorigin form. abandonment? loss? lost family, lost identity, lost culture, lost people

it doesnt matter how many POC i connect with or how many adoptees i connect with. i’ll always feel lonely. i’ll always be lonely. and im so pathetic i cant stand it. i’d rather kill myself than knowing i’ll always be lonely. ive fkd up every friendship and relationship i have and im too scared of building new ones bc im so over attatched and want to rely on them forever. and now i dont even feel anything but anger and hatred. im such a fucking mess. im a danger to myself and everyone around me. im abusing the ones i claim to love, i dream about taking a gun and just shoot everyone down. i dream about committing suicide but not bc i actually want to, but because i want to revenge. on who? i want my family to suffer. i want society to suffer and know my pain. but they wont. they never will

im all alone, im so lonely im so lonely i keep isolering myself. i keep dreaming about fkn kpop idols and anime characters. i will never get better if i dont do smth but im so tired and im so angry. but it only hurts me. im only hurting myself even more. no one cares. no one will ever care, its only hurting ME

i thought i had gotten better. i used to feel like this everyday. now its only once a month. but idk. i cant think straight, i cant control myself. i know i shouldnt post stuff lile this DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IVE FKD UP CUS I CANT CONTROL MYSELF WHEN IM IN THIS KIND OF STATE ONE TIME I ACTUALLY THOOUGHT I WAS GONNA KILL SOMEONE AND THEN JUMP IN FRONT OF A BUS

im sitting in my room. my little sister is outside and when im done with this message i’ll go out to her and pretend nothing happened. i cry for myself. i cry for other adoptees too. i cry for my adopted little sister and how white she is. i cry for all adoptees who’ve grown up to become whites. i cry because im such a fkn mess. i cry bc my abusive tendencies started so early. i abused my little sister bc of my own fkn issues and our adoptive parents didnt even care, they didnt even realize.

i feel like this is who i was supposed to be. a disgusting manipulative abuser but i know thats just another excuse for me to not do smth about myself

why dont i care about my family? about my partner or my little sister? i’d say i love my partner the most but i care more about my little sister

sometimes when i see children of color, or asian children i just feel something so fucking strong. i feel like i want to die for them on the spot. i feel like straight out giving them my jeart and protect them forever.

i got pregnant when i was 17 and it changed my life. ive never been interested in children but after that i was. but its so unhelathy. im only interested bc i want someone like me. i even doubted the abortion. fuck i felt like absolute SHIT after the abortion. i felt like they took smth from me, they took my mom, they took my baby. everhthing was taken from me and i got nothing. if im not able to have biolocial children in the future i’ll kill myself. if my children is looking white or nothing like me i’ll kill myself. im happy i had an abortion tho. i wasnt mentally stable. poor child would have only been born bc i was feeling lonely

i’d be such a horrible mom too. i’d be so overprotective. im always like that. overprotective in a possessive kind of way. like YOURE MINE. my child would hate me and i wouldnt blame them. i just feel like i have to protect something. i NEED something to protect. no one ever needs me. im always clinging into others but no one ever needs me as much as i need them. a child would need me. but they would eventuellt grow up so im thinking about a dog or a car instead. they would need me.

you know what i want? uncondotional love. from people of color. yes i have that from my white adoptive parents but i dont feel it. instead i feel like im using them. im shitting so fucking much on them and i dont know if i do it even more cus i feel guilty for shitting on them. most times they just take it and its like that makes me even angrier but if they were to argue with me i’d fkn explode right there and now. ive always been such a problematic kid. i can feel it. my sister’s been so calm and perfect but ive always been unstable. its like i always test people. ive tested my adoptive parents for 17-18 years now.

but everhtime i actually have someone love me uncondotilnally i feel like i have to isolate myself. its such a weird fkn thing i have such a weird fkn conception abt relationships and such. its just the way i thought it was like. in a friendship, relationship or family theres ONE dominant and ONE submissive. i realized relationships doesnt work lile this AT AGE 17 WHEN I LOST ALL MY FRIENDS. can you believe i’ve lived like this for 17 years???? i still categorize ppl into this and its so fucked up. how could i think like this?? how can I STILL think like this?? the submissive have to love the dominant one but the dominant will always protect the submissive one. i always, ALWAYYS go for dominant ones. and its always, ALWAYS going shit. either bc i expect too much from them. i expect them to love me back snd PROTECT ME or im just too clingy and get rejected. bc when im the dominant one i get bored. its like i WANT to fight for peoples attention. i see them as superior and i feel good when they give me that. but not too much cus if they give me too much I’LL feel superior and then i feel bored. thats basically my relationship with my partner now. ive been an awful fkn asshat and they’re still staying with me. it disturbed me once so much i forced them to break up with me only to guilt trip them when they did.

im so fucked up i really am. my partner deserves so much better. im so fucked up that i want to break up with them but if i would, if they would, i’d go fucking banans. thats not a healthy relationship. i shouldnt be in relationship

i should be alone til ive fgired myself out. but lonliness and isolation drives me mad. i dont trust myself

this post wasnt supposed to be lile this. i was going to write smth intellectual but instead im exposing myself like this. why do i do that? i dont know. do i wan people to feel sorry for me?? is that what i want? do i want advice? advice that i know i wont follow anyways cus im a dumbass?? is it because i just cant hold it in? why dont i post it somewhere else private? especially when i KNOWW THAT ILL GET SO FKN ANXIOUS ABT POSTING THIS THAT ILL NEVER FACE ANYONE AHAIN SND ILL REBLOG SO MANY TAEHYUNG GIFS AND JUST LAUGH IT OFF BUT LILE..... IM STILL GONNA POST IT???

sometimes i tell myself i wouldnt care if i died but im actually so afraid of dying

i want to be happy i want to be good but i dont know if i can or if i deserve it. when im not feeling like shit i dont want to talka but this bc then i’ll feel like sjit snd im scared of myself. i feel like im turning into a demon, something i cant control and im scared i’ll do stupid shit

how do i get rid of this? how dont become happy. the fact that my family is white, my partner is white. is that a problem or is it only me? do i have to break up, do i have to cut off my family in order to become satisfied? in order to decolonize? i know adoptees who have. mostly cus they got real weird fkn prents but my parents are....... so-so. they’re white. they’re good parents except they’ee white. but other adoptees parents weren’t even good parents to start with and their whiteness and racism made it 722771x worse

i hate feeling so split always having to choose. choose between AP and bio family. whites and poc. i’ll choose poc. i’ll choose my birth family. but i dont have a birth family like...... and now im stuck with this white one. ive been abandoned multiple times im not strong enougg to get rid of my AP’s even if i want to. but i dont think that i want to. i think i love them. im just so fkn heartvroken abt the fact that they’re white and therefore constantly hurting me and my sister wether they want it or not. im stuck. its like a fkn curse.

i was a fine kid before. i always had these issue but the abortion def triggered it. the abortion and break up with my friends that was like the 3rd break up and i just knew that damn i dont have the energy to keep going. dont even get me started on the breakup. i was a sjit friend. yeah im still a bit salty cus i think hey could have handled it better but tbh........ they probably sensed the fucking freak inside of me me before it jumped. i keep telling myself they only protected themselves but im paranoid and hate everyone and when i feel abandoned and rejected i deal with it with being an abusive asshat

i wonder why im like this. im obv not the only one since i keep reading abt adoptees who murder and stuff. i kinda think thats me sometimes. that im gonna turn out like that and just go on a murder spree. when i see x-men or the black panther...... i always feel for erik and eric (sre they both named eric lmao). mage to and killingen. and all charcters like that. i cried so much when i watched these movies cus im so sensitive when it comes to families AND people. (xmen jewish ppl) (black panther black ppl). and i kind of undersyood them

especially xmen apacolypse. he really tried to turn good. he really got himself a family but even they got killed. everyone got kille. i kinda admire him but i also think he’s weak. how come he’s able to just turn good after that?????  i’d probably kill the whole fucking world. like what kind of propaganda IS THAT??? is that even real??

and i feel so awful cus i had a good childhood i guess??? i mean fkn killmonger grew up all alone and poor and he found his fkn dad murdered??? i understand that trauma!!! and magneto had his mom shot in front of him and watched his whole people fkn die. and what about me? i havent been through any of that

ofc i dont know. i dont know what happened before and i dont remember. my APs got divroced tho and my A mom got PTSD and i def think that affected me as well tho. i kind of lost my family AGAIN. and ive never really tristes them after that. even there u could feel me snd my fucked up ness

i was such a shithead to my mom who had freaking PTSD. i blamed her for everything. breaking up with dad, bad ekonomy and then our fkn white big brother moved home bc he was depressed too or smth and there we were. 3 kids sharing a room while mom was unemployed and slept in the living room. that was such a messy time and my 11 y/o self was so angry and aggressive. and my poor sister was so scared and shy. of me. of all of us

anyways why didnt my sister turn out like this? is it bc of my temepramwnt?? maybe. ive read abt mental illness but i dont really feel like anyone fits. im leaning more towards bpd. bipolar and ptsd are similar but i dont rly get those periods and i dont get flashbacks of my trauma either cus im not even sure what my trauma is. its more like..... a feeling rather than smth specific. i mean its not like i remember anything

but why did i tjen out like this. irs cus everyone hates me right? lmao u always think lile that ots so pathetic. i always think ppl do shit to huet m. my poor partner and ex-friends..... the simpliest mistake would make me crazy.

im such a horrible human and sometimes i dont want to do anything abt this. i just dont wanna CARE but i know i feel line that cus i feel guilty deep inside. and it wont make me happy either

if i recover will i stop hating white people? will i stop hate my family and non-adoptees? probably not white ppl and non-adoptees. i mean i still hate men and so so why would i stop just cus i recover. but my family? will i forgve myself? will i fogive them? i cant forive them ew no. ugh idek what im saying. what do i have to do to stop feeling like this?

maybe get out of bed? yeah thats a start

thanks ill reblog bts now and then ill turn off my phone and never come back. cant wait to comeback and cringe the fuck out of myself wow i love