#anyway heres barley ive had him for a day and i love him

[alltheyoungmoons]

The Gift pt. IV

13+ - Complete - Pt. I - Pt. II - Pt. III - 1.5k Words - ATYD Timeline Compliant

As much as Sirius hated being busy, his last semester at Hogwarts was so eventful that all the time he would’ve gladly dedicated to dilly-dallying was now the only time he had to actually study. And if Sirius didn’t have time to spare, he thought that Lily probably wished there could be 30 hours in a day, because she was the busiest girl on the planet, and they barely saw each other outside of class or meals. This meant that the Bespectacles had been quietly sitting in Lily’s trunk waiting to be tested until just a couple of days before the 10th of March, when Lily burst into the Marauder’s dorm during an individual study period, grinning madly.

“Black! Are you decent?” She swung the door open, peeking through the fingers she had raised over her eyes.

“Godrick, Evans, what happened to knocking?” He admonished her, rolling on his back quickly. He was not about to be found lying belly down on the bed, kicking his legs in the air like a schoolgirl by Lily Evans. He was also secretly peeved by the fact that he was not only decent, but was also studying. Remus had refused to bunk off Care of Magical Creatures, leaving Sirius alone with his Divination textbook.

“They work!” Lily sang, approaching Sirius and Remus’s bed. She produced the wiry pair of reading glasses from her robe pocket “They work! I was patrolling with Christopher Barley the other night and he told me about a Hufflepuff first year in Moony’s study group who was having trouble only with theory stuff and never practical magic - like Remus in first year! Chris was asking at what age muggle schools teach people to read…anyway, I figured this boy, Fionn, and Remus must have the same problem!” She was starting to run out of breath “I tracked him down and had him try them on, they work! He could read! Poor love was stunned, didn’t know what was going on.” She chuckled breathlessly. 

Sirius was elated, and offered her a genuine, warm smile. He knew Lily would’ve figured it out in the end. Now there was only one last thing to do. 

“That’s great, Lily, you fox” he extended a hand “Now give them here, we can’t have Moony sporting the same glasses as my great-great-grandfather Betelgeuse”

Lily sniggered and handed him the pair. Sirius was now sitting cross-legged on the bed, the glasses resting on the open textbook before him. 

He had thought long and hard about which style to give them, and he had finally settled on a pair that he saw in a photo of that muggle actor, Robert Redford. He looked so hot in those glasses. Sirius visualised them in his mind and tapped the Bespectacles gently with his wand: in a moment they had muted to the form he had envisioned. Lily gasped under her breath.

Sirius looked up at her with a big grin and handed them back. The redhead squeezed him in a hug and gave him a peck on the cheek, and fluttered outside. 

***

The next Friday was, finally, Moony’s birthday. Sirius woke him early with a surprise snog, before James and Peter got up, as they were sure to jump on the bed to greet the birthday boy, as it was tradition. He wanted to have Remus all for himself before he had to share him with everyone else for the next twenty-four hours. They kissed quietly for a long time, remaining almost immobile, holding hands under the pillows. They then heard James’ familiar footsteps and broke apart, smiling and bracing themselves for the attack. 

After the usual birthday rituals, the yelling, chanting and exchanging of gifts, the boys got ready for breakfast; it was a school day after all. Sirius gave him a year supply of chocolate frogs, but that was only a preliminary gift; he wanted to give him his true present later, when they where alone. 

The next time Sirius caught Remus on his own was before dinner, when he got back to the dorm to change out of his uniform. The tall boy was lying supine on their bed, feet dangling out of the bed frame, his arm stretched over his head, holding a book. Typical Moony. 

“Sirius!” He called, bolting straight up in a sitting position. 

“Hey, handsome” Sirius smiled, slyly. He noticed a gold gleam around Remus’ eyes. Ah, Lily must’ve given him her present. 

“Look!” The other boy exclaimed. Sirius sat down on the edge of the bed beside him, and looked up at his boyfriend’s lightly freckled face. 

“Don’t you look half distinguished, Professor Lupin” he teased, planting a kiss on Remus’ perpetually chapped lips. “Where are these from?” He asked, nonchalantly. He had decided to let Lily take all the credit after all, so now he had to pretend to be surprised, hoping to be convincing. He'd never been a good liar. 

“They were Lily’s present! She expanded on the reading aid she made me in second year and somehow turned it into glasses! This way it’s much more discreet and practical.” Remus was beaming. Discreet and practical was Moony to a T, if you didn’t know him better. 

“That’s amazing” Sirius nodded. He studied Remus’ face with this new addition, after hours of daydreaming. Overall the large frame complemented his long face very well, and the square-ish shape of the lenses suited him. They were gold-plated, which caught the flecks of amber in his eyes and made them stand out even more. The colour of the metal went perfectly with his slightly tanned skin tone and light brown curls. They had a double bridge which rested over the dent of the scar on his nose, hiding it slightly. He thought Moony might’ve appreciated that. 

Sirius caught his hazel eyes, which were now examining him from behind the lenses. He was smirking wickedly.

“I don’t think you’ve ever been quiet for this long,” he said in that low voice that made his chest vibrate, and Sirius’ insides twisted in the best way.

 “I don’t think you’ve ever looked this fit,” Sirius replied, dazed. Who knew glasses could be this sexy? This was a revelation - why hadn’t he thought of this before?

“They’re really doing it for you, huh?” Remus chuckled, raising his head a bit, but careful to not break the spell that was passing between them. Sirius blushed and Remus laughed, casually pushing the glasses up his nose. He was already picking up those small automatic gestures James had, only in a devastatingly hotter, more charming way. Sirius swallowed dryly. 

“To think I was worried you’d think I looked like a sodding swot” Remus continued, tantalising. They both knew James and Peter were due back any minute, so it was incredibly dangerous to keep flirting like this, but it was so hard to resist.

“Oh but you are a swot Moony, you just also happen to be superbly good-looking.” 

Remus finally closed the distance between them, grinning against Sirius’ mouth. Sirius found himself quickly out of breath as Remus moved to hover over him, and he lay down propping himself on his forearms, careful to not lay down all the way, or it’d be the end of him. They kissed for a long time, and once Remus’ glasses slid down his nose bumping into Sirius, so he gently pushed them up to place them over the boy’s head, his curls getting stuck in them, all the while still kissing, and he peeked with one eye and stifled a moan, he could not believe how these stupid glasses had him under their figurative thumb. Sirius sighed, and could feel that Remus was still smiling, trying to move closer. He knew he ought to stop him before they ended up flashing poor Petey again, but he found he now had the willpower of a Flobberworm and did not care, laying down, slackening his tie and starting to work on Remus’s shirt buttons…

Suddenly, Remus froze and looked up, nostrils twitching. His lips were now pink and shiny, no more chapped and purple from the furious nervous biting.  Sirius was looking at him with a desperate sort of wanting, wishing they could apparate literally anywhere else and finish what they started. He didn’t even realise he was nervously twisting one of his charcoal curls on his index finger. Remus looked down at him and raised an amused eyebrow. 

“Sorry Pads, they’re coming up now,” he said gently, putting his glasses back on and reaching for his book. Sirius puffed and closed his eyes, relishing the feeling that was burning in him. He was learning that patience could be quite a virtue, on that front. 

“Who’s ready for a par-tayyy” James bellowed swinging the door open, Peter in tow. He glanced at the two boys laying nonchalantly on the bed, their ears still red and cheeks flushed, and sniggered.

“My my my Moony, you look quite fetching in those glasses” He winked. “Welcome to the club”.

------ 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝑒𝓃𝒹 ------

Ok here it is! This was my first actual fic so let me know what you think. I didn't have a plan it just sort of came out building off of the bespectacled!Remus hc that is near and dear to my heart. If you have thoughts/suggestions/requests for me just shoot me an ask! I'd love to use this as an outlet to practice my fiction writing :)

[fionajames]

Hiiiiii!!!! I haven’t requested in a hot minute! Anyway, what’s up how’s life?

Request: okay, so I read a fic about this made up mission where Torrent Company was on, they jumped out a high window and Rex and a few others were badly injured and put into a coma or something. Is it possible for me to ask if you could write a little something similar where there’s a dangerous mission and Cody is super worried about Rex because he comes home all broken and barley conscious and it’s like Rex wakes up and is kinda like “why am I here, Cody I’m fine. It’s just six broken ribs, a concussion, and a broken femur” and Cody is all like “Rex, I order you to stay down.” ???

Okay, wow that was long, but is it possible if you could write something similar to it? Pretty please with sprinkles on top?

Thank you so much!!!! Love ur work ❤️-Sha 🫡

three broken ribs, a concussion, and a broken femur

hi sha! thats ok! lifes pretty.... bad? its pretty egh. sorry this took me so long to do, ive been busy :(

sorry if any medical info in this is incorrect! im not a doctor. ive never taken a medical course. im a silly child writing fanfiction.

Rex didn’t remember much from the actually battle, which wasn’t surprising. He remembered the explosion of pain that had filled his body after the building he was in had collapsed, but not much else. He, however, did remember waking up on the Medbay, medics around him rushing to aid him. Kix was beside him, shouting something at someone else, but Rex couldn’t understand what. His head was pounding and his ears were ringing. 

“Kix?” He managed to croak, and the medic turned to him with a horrified and worried expression.

“It’s gonna be fine, Rex, you’re going to be fine,” Kix told him quickly, and although his words were muffled, Rex could still understand him. He raised an eyebrow in confusion. “Put him under a general anaesthetic!”

Rex wasn’t sure why he required a general anaesthetic like Kix had said, but he didn’t have any more time to think when a needle was inserted into his arm.

-

The next day, Rex was calmly sitting on the Medbay cot, drinking a glass of water. They’d done something to his ribs - he wasn’t sure what, he didn’t want to know - but couldn’t give him a compression wrap as it came with the risk of restricted breathing or even partial lung collapse.

He’d broken a femur as well - that hurt like hell - and had a concussion. The concussion was a numbing, aching throb that he despised. Never again, did he want a concussion.

Suddenly, the door opened to reveal Cody, with a rather irritated look on his face. “Rex!” He shouted angrily, strolling to stand next to his brother. “I told you to get out of that building, and look where you ended up!” 

Rex glanced around in confusion, then at himself. “What do you mean?”

“What do I mean?!” Cody shouted in exasperation, running a hand down his face. Maker, he thought. Skywalker must be rubbing off on him! Well, at least he’s not as bad as General Kenobi. Obi-Wan had returned back to base a few months ago with six broken ribs, a broken arm, broken leg, concussion and wrist fracture. “Look at yourself!”

Rex did as he was told, but still remained confused. “Cody, seriously, I’m fine!” He scoffed. “It’s only three broken ribs, a concussion and a broken femur! That’s not bad!”

Cody looked like he either wanted to punch Rex in the face, or cry.

“You damn fool!” He shouted, sinking to sit on the cot next to his brother, face in his hands. “Rex, you idiot. You could have died!” 

“But I didn’t,” Rex grinned playfully and Cody choked out a frustrated sob. 

“Rex,” he sighed. “Your going to be the death of me.”

“Not if I’m dead first.”

“Don’t say that!” 

“Fine, Cody.”

hope you enjoyed!!!!!!!!!! requests pleasE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

[doodle-doodie-doo]

My Eddsworld MLP AU explained in summary

Yes I have an ew Mlp au shocker I know

Ok so basically Edd is a pony thats living in ponyville and is uhh basically kinda broke, he is a struggling artist (youd think ponies should get pay more since they gotta draw with their hooves and mouth but whatever) he is living in a small cottage in the city and can barley even pay his rent, and hes a big dorky shy earth ponies so trying to get his art attention other than media is hard work. One day, this evil pony man is wanted, It's Tord, (and hes actually evil in this its not like his eddsworld counterpart who is evil and dumb like hes actually a threat think of Tempest shadow from the mlp movie)

Tord has captured one of the ponies from the Canterlot royal family, thats when youve known youve FUCKED UP. (If youve watched MLP you know) Its Matt. Sure, hes not as high up as say Luna and Celestia's family, but eveyone in Caterlot knows who he is and hes basically a preppy fancy bitch boy and this and never had a real childhood and was always protected, so this is a big deal, Matt was kinda like the baby boy of his family, always pure and fancy, always getting his way like the bitch he is

so anyways, Tord captures this mf cause hes mr evil pony man and why you ask?? Well, everyone thinks its because Tord is jealous and wants to tord-ture him, Tord is very little-known in all of Equestria so everyone dosent know a lot about him, they just know hes evil as shit and lives in a land of fire and evil-ness, Well, Tord actually isnt as evil as ponies think, hes kinda dumb, hes just more evil than EW Tord, nah, everyones wrong, Tord actually wants to be with Matt, thats right Tord wants love, because hes fucking gay, he makes it clear by enslaving him, but everyones too worried about Matt to see the gayness because they are dumb.

so anyways Tord has enslaved bitch boy in his land, wanting to keep him to hinself, of course matt hates this, this news spreads all over Equestria, Edd sees the poster: The poster explains what is going on, and the poster offers TONS AND TONS AND TONS OF bits to whoever saves Matt and returns him back to the royal family, this is Edd's wake up girl boss slay moment, fuck yes, finally, he can pay his rent and buy better artist equipment and shit like that! Edd is ready.

Edd is dumb and assumes that Tord is holding Matt hostage in Canterlot, so Edd takes the train there, big news headass, either Tord or Matt is there, what did you expect. One of Lunas Royal Guards (its night time during this btw) sees Edd and starts laughing at him during his duty of watching over Lunas side of the castle "What?? what's so funny you eyeless bitch??" "youre like....the 100th person Ive seen travel over here to try and find prince Matt. You look like a simple ponyvillian, youll have no luck here, I have dragons coming here and everything."

Edd asks Tom if he can help him, Edd sees Tom as someone who stands out compared to the other bat ponies, "can you help me??" "What??? fucking no are you crazy??" "But you're....a royal guard? And a strong bat pony...I'll need your help, I'm just an artist!" "Nah, I'm just doing this for Luna." Thats right, Toms a huge fucking Simp for Luna, he does whatever she tells him to do, hes one of her biggest fans, thats why he took this job, at home, hes just a normal dude. Luna comes out and hears their convo Luna promises Tom a kiss if Tom helps Edd and saves Matt. "Fuck." "arent you meant to be going in ponies dreams at this time, MIss children of the night?" Edd asks "fuck them kids" 7. Tom takes edd in the castle and gets him a knight costume "Youre a big guy. Youll need something like this." Night bat pony guard Tom and ponyville earth pony knight Edd then go on their way to save Matt

[maitaitiu]

me: hrm my brain: new s,torie

[tteokdoroki]

🦊ok, so, I know previously I mentioned being roommates with a bunch of the guys and basically eventually you're just sleeping with all of them cause ya know, that'd be awesome at least imo. Anyway, I know we talked about how you end up in this situation already but, imagine for me if you will.

One day, one of the guys goes to get you cause they're going out to eat or ordering pizza or something. They forget to knock. When they open the door, they see you, laptop open, ring light on, camera going, with what could barely pass for skimpy PJs.

Turns out you're a cam girl but just never told anyone. So you're like 'give me a sec' to your stream and a course people are like, whose there? You never have had a guest. Are they joining.

And you go to you're roommate, (I picture Kirishima who has been apologizing for invading your privacy, yada yada and averting his eyes.

But you say "you either gotta leave or fuck me."

And he takes you up on that. And that slowly turned into you fucking your roommates for fun and work.

—“CAMGIRL + ROOMMATE!KIRISHIMA.”

author’s note(s): this sexy ask ive been waiting to answer for days so here i am let’s get it bby

warning(s): mdni, 18+. smut voyeurism, slight!corruption, switch!kirishima themes, female masturbation, fem!reader.

kirishima felt dumb for not noticing it before, the way you snuck up to your room during movie nights when you thought everyone had fallen asleep or the way your playlists suddenly sounded a little louder in the dead of night. the signs were there, he should have noticed. kaminari had always voiced to your roommates, the other boys, that you’d been up to some shady shit— there’s no way a girl like you could have so much cash despite the small hometown you’d left for college, and all of them seemed to agree...but the red head had defended you.

you were too sweet, too meek and shy to be wrapped up in some bad business, you were the girl who sent freshly baked cookies home to her parents every other weekend and the girl who spent hours tutoring shinsou on a class you didn’t even take. you were too sweet, too meek and shy to be wrapped up in some bad business, you were the girl who sent freshly baked cookies home to her parents every other weekend and the girl who spent hours tutoring shinsou on a class you didn’t even take.

you were too shy, too darling, too precious to do anything that the boys had suggested, no matter how much the thought made eijirou’s cock stir.

but he had been the one to catch you, how stupid he was to have burst into your room without knocking. you’d sat there on your bed, head thrown back into the millions of plushies and throw cushions that you’d owned as the the soft pink toy between your dough like thighs drew sinful patterns against your puffy clit, your free fingers dancing up and down your glistening slit and sinking right into your puckered hole. kirishima had caught you in the act, computer pinging with sounds of donations and all, while you had caught him staring at the way your digits sped up in your slick cunt from being caught.

you don’t dare stop, even as he stumbles over an apology, “y-yn, i’m so sorry—i,” his attempt is futile however, hushed by the sounds of your wetness, dripping and calling out for him.

“oh dear, everyone,” you coo, eyes sultry and never leaving eijirou’s, you pull your fingers from your heat to suck off your own juices in an act that makes the poor man grip the handle to your bedroom door like a vice. you’ve got him— hook, line and sinker and there wasn’t a thing he could do to change that. “looks like we have an unexpected guest, should i invite him in?” the chat on your stream goes wild as you sit up, chest bouncing and causing eijirou to lose his breath. your eyes give him a choice, either he leaves and never mentions this again or he joins you for the chance of a life time.

kirishima certainly wasn’t stupid enough to give up the chance to fuck his sweet little roommate.

they become a regular thing, once a week when everyone seems to have headed to bed, eijirou kirishima guest stars on your secret camshow; your audience loves him and he loves them too, living for the way they feed his ego and tell him how pretty his golden skin is when it’s all marked up and bitten by you or how they’d die for a chance to take a seat on his lengthy cock. but he adores the way you giggle, eyes hazy with tears and desire to while you read through thousands of comments, each and every one telling you how good you both look when you’re sinking down onto his girth, reaching back to squeeze on his balls.

“eiji,” you hum, pussy greedily clamping down on the poor boy while you take your seat in his lap— your freehand twists in red hair, forcing his head up from your tits sucked and bitten raw to look at the comments. “tell them how much you love it when i fuck you like this. you’re so lucky to have me, aren’t you? getting to slide into my tight cunt and cream inside me all you want...so many would kill to be you,”

your eyes burn with a dangerous fire, testing kirishima’s patience— he loves the chase of cat and mouse that you play with him. but he knows that he’s lucky, never did he ever think he’d get a chance to make you scream from pleasure until his name is the only one that you know. the red head gives a thrust of his hips, using his large hands to spread your ass cheeks apart and show the stream how wet you are for him.

“careful sweetheart,” kirishima murmurs, nails digging into the soft curvy flesh— his voice is barley audible underneath the sounds of pinging from the stream. money, enthusiastic comments, subscribers, all of your roommate tunes out to focus on you. he zones in on the tremble of your bottom lip, the gush of your juices between his weighty balls and the way you cling to him, begging him to move before he grinds his dick against your heated walls. “consider yourself the lucky one, look at me keeping your dirty little secret. fucking you good so you can make a little cash, how naughty.”

and there it is, your sweet innocent smile that lays prettily against red bitten lips as you force eijirou to lay flat on the bed. your hips jump up, slamming back down with a wet slap that makes you both grown in unison. “well then, consider us both lucky ei...” you set the pace, revelling in the way your roommates ruby eyes roll back into his head in unadulterated bliss. “make a little cash, put on a show with me, your dirty little secret.”

[harrysgoldenline]

this is super soft but can i request something where the reader doesn’t have a lot of experience and her and harry agree to take things slowly? there’s so much pressure nowadays and physical stuff makes me anxious haha🤍🤍 totally okay if u cant/don’t want to! ly :)

love this idea bc I also don’t have much experience so i may be projecting here lolololol. ANYWAYS! Kinda made me my mini series called “Cant Help But Love Him”! I really hope this is kinda what you were thinking and you like it! Thank you so much for requesting 💕

Inexperienced

Harry and Y/N have been together now for just over two months, having known each other for a year and a half before that they both completely loved and trusted each other. They meet through a mutual friend, Y/N was a bit younger and instantly intimated by Harry while he was entranced by her instantly.

When he asked her out the first time (and even still to this day), she cutely blushed and anxiously agrees, finding it hard to believe that he even wanted to spend time with her.

That leads to where they are now, an uncountable amount of dates later, sitting on the floor in Harry’s living room as they sat eating pizza after their night out at a much too fancy work cocktail party, the pair leaving early and ordering the pizza on their way home.

Y/N changed out of her gown, borrowing a pair of Harry’s big t-shirts and leaving on the spandex she had underneath as he sat across from her in a pair of sweats and his white tank undershirt.

“You like the shake? That bloody machine is always broken when we go there.” He chuckled, nodding toward the homemade chocolate milkshake she gripped with both hands.

She let out a soft giggle, eyes wide as she nodded with the straw between her lips. He smirked, staring at her as the girl happily dipped in the shake, eyes closing as she lets out a soft ‘mmmm’.

He slowly scooted closer to her, licking his lips as he stared at hers, his thumb raising to the girls lips and wiping away some of the leftover residue, staring down deep into her eyes. He could see the girls chest rise and falls shakily, licking her own lips as she watched him put his thumb into his mouth quickly.

“Need a better taste.” He barley spoke, smashing his lips onto hers in an instant, cupping her face with both hands.

Y/N was surprised by his sudden move, shakily setting down the milkshake before her arms go around him, tangling in his hair, letting out a soft whimper as she feels his tongue slip into her mouth and she instantly grants him access.

He suddenly grips her thighs, lifting her up and having her legs wrap around his waist as he also stands, knocking over her milkshake in the process.

“Harry!” She exclaimed, throwing her head back laughing before lifting her head back up to look at him, “put me down we need to get that cleaned up.”

“I need you.”

He leaned forward, his perfect, pink lips attaching to her neck and sponging soft kiss on the bare skin, arms right around her waist as he continued walking to his bedroom, Y/N’s heart starting to beat out of her chest.

Tell him. She was screaming in her head, tell him it’s okay. Harry won’t be mad. He’d understand.

He kicked the door open and close in an instant, connect their lips before separating them lay her down on the bed, a sly smirk on his face as he stared down at her, slipping his shirt over his head before starting to hover over her.

He gripped her face in one hand, pressing their lips together and Y/N tried to focus on his lips, his warm skin. Everything is okay. She was telling herself, it’s Harry! Just do it! Tell him the trut-

“Wait.” She chokes out, eyes already welling up with tears as embarrassment and fear filled her, “I-I’m sorry, Harry- I can’t-“

“No, fuck I shouldn’t have moved so fast I’m sorry-“ he rambled, quickly moving and sitting next to her, “I’m sorry... why are you crying, baby I’m sorry I didn’t mean to scare you- fuck... I really am-“

“I’m a Virgin.” She admits, ripping the bandaid off completely, “like, completely. I haven’t, umm. I haven’t really done anything...not really, I mean really...nothing.”

“Nothing?”

She nods, confirming his thoughts and his blank stare of surprise remained glued on his face, making Y/N rub her eyes to try to calm down before standing, planning to head to the living room to clean up the mess and go home.

Harry quickly grabs her hand, pulling her back to him, surprised to have run into his hard chest rather than falling back on the bed. She slowly looked up at him, a loose curly strand falling in her face that Harry quickly tuck behind her ear, a sympathetic smile slowly covering his face.

“You leaving?” He softly asked, wiping a stray tear on her cheek, “I truly am so sorry if I made you uncomfortable or pressured you, that was never my intention. You are so important to me. Whenever your ready, no matter how long it takes.”

“You never have, Ive just been so happy I didn’t know what you were going to say... or if you would even have wanted me stay.” She admitted, cuddling herself into his warm skin, “it just makes me feel so silly. You’re like the sexiest man alive and I’m just some inexperienced girl who somehow got you...”

“Ya think I’m sexy?” He smirked, digging his fingers into her sides.

“Shut up!”

Harry heart flutter as he heard her laugh, grabbing her wrists as he went to push his chest, gripping them and pulling her close and quickly throwing her over his shoulder, spinning around a few times before having them both fall on his bed, the pairs laughing loudly and leaning into one another.

She softly leaned in and quickly pecked his lips before burying her face in the crook of his neck, snuggling into him as his arms go tight around her.

“Lets take things slow, okay?” He whispered softly in her ear, “I really, really like you and I don’t wanna rush into anything, we’re gonna do whatever you feel comfortable with. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost ya.”

“But, Id hate to... deprive you.” She blushed, shyly looking back up at him with a red face, “don’t want you to grow to hate me for making you wait o-or go to somebody else... just because I’m not ready yet.”

“I’m not gonna hate you. Never could.” He whispered, kissing her forehead, “and absolutely could never even think about being with anybody else. If you knew how much I liked you I think I’d scare you away.”

She shook her head in disbelief, wondering how she got to be the luckiest human being in the world to be able to have him. She quickly pressed her lips onto his, fingers tangling in his hair.

“I do like kissing you.” She whispered, innocently looking up into his eyes, “Really, really love kissing you... that doesn’t scare me. Can we just do that?”

“Fuck yeah.” He chuckled, smashing his lips quickly onto hers, gripping at her sides as his tongue slides into her mouth.

“Wait!” She squeaked, pulling back and giggling as she saw his eyes still closed with puckered lips for a moment before opening them back up, cheeks pink after realizing, “the milkshake! It’s gonna destroy your rug!”

“It’s a stupid rug.” He muttered, pecking her lips rapidly making her laugh, “I’ll get a new one.”

[randomsevans]

PAIN OF BEING LOVE part  4

"Cant we just leave " Scott whined as he leans down to your ear 

"What no " you whispered back

"But we have been here long enough "

"We have been here for less than an hour " you snapped

"And that's more then enough for people who don’t want to be here " he whispered in your ear

"Its your brothers engagement party you have to be here "

"Not if I don’t want to "

"And whys that?"

He was silent for a second, a second to long you began to get worried

"I just don’t okay " he whined

"Why ?"

"Because I don’t like seeing you hurt " he snapped back instantly

You paused for a moment thinking

You turned to faced him

"Scott I shouldn't matter. You should be happy like me that Chris is getting the life he wants " you sigh

"But what about you ?"

"Ha ! You never know I might find someone, who I will love and will love me more then this "you said with a fake smile , not meaning or believing any word you just said

"Don’t lie " Scott sigh

"Whose lying " Lisa voice perked up as she came towards the both of you .

"Oh just y/n love life "Scott said . You snapped your head in his direction sending him dagger , as he played the sweet innocent son role . You turned back to lisa with a fake smile .

"Ohhh love life ?" Sharron came and stood next to her mom

'Great how many Evan's are coming?'

"Its about time she got one " Carly joked , causing a ripple of laughter

"Ha I think you fine she has a very active love life " Scott giggled

"Scott !" You barked

"What !" He just shrugged

"So anyone new ..." Carly began

"Or old you never know "Sharron added

"Oooo is it serious " Lisa asked

"Is what serious?" Minka butted in

"Really is there anyone else in the garden that want to join in !

There was a pause for a moment

"Oh just y/n new man " Scott said confidently

You looked at him shocked

'What is he doing?'

"So there is someone about time !" Sharron shouted

"You going tell us anything " Carly asked

"Oh girls don’t pressure her , I'm sure when shes ready she’ll tell us , want ya y/n " Lisa began but then leaned in "but just let me but the first " she giggled

All you could do was nervous giggled and nodded your head , as there began to walk again until Sharron shout from across the pool

"Y/n I want to meet him "

You went scarlet red

"Meet who ?" You heard a booming voice from the barbecue, his face scrunched up in amusement of his clearly drunk sister

"Y/n new boyfriend " she basically scream

Chris face dropped into stone like and snapped to turn into your direction. A mixture of emotions flash across his face , too many , too fast your brain didnt register any only those glossy ocean eyes that met your from across the pool .

You only snapped out your trance when Scott pulled your elbow . You swatted him across the head with the back of your hand

"Oh come on y/n dont be mad because he let out your secret " you heard a very bitter snaped form chris . You stood there facing scott , your hand in mid hit , when his tone shock you . You have never heard him speak to you like that. But instead of wanting to scream, cry , run away , anger boils within you , it was just a shame that Scott was the closest Evan's

You didnt turned around to face Chris ,so you missed the glossy eyes once again that fought back a tear .

You resumes you beating, acting as if you didnt hear Chris

"What . ARE . You . Playing. At !" You said in between the smacks across Scott's head

"Ha ! Ha ! Stop " he put his hands in defence

“why did you do that . i dont have a ..” 

“ i know , i know “ Scott squilled 

“ so why say it then?” you were slowly calming down

“ i honestly dont know .... Chris was looking this way ...”

“wait Chris was watching us?” for some unknown reason your heart began to beat fast 

“yeah “ Scott simple said 

there was a moment of silence before Scott spoke again 

“it was probably only because mom and sis was near “ he shrugged walking to the bar ,to avoid just another nail in your fragile  heart . 

“probably “ you sighed following him

but unknowing to you , not all as it seems from either brothers.

                        **************************************************

Time had passed on ever so slowly for your point of view  , but you had to stay to show how happy you are for the future Mr and Mrs Evans . Staying around the whole day was hard , watching Chris with Minka broke your heart a little more . But surprisingly  it hasn't been as hard as you thought , you have actual found your self laughing a couple of times and forgetting why you are here . This might just be the beginning of a slow healing process that will never truly be healed but at least able for you to move on with your life , or maybe its because you have the best-est friend in Scott who for his own reason which you dont fully understand doesnt want to be here to as much as you .There for making it bearable for the both of you with his bad jokes , like really there terrible  but you love him all the same    .

you were currently in the kitchen getting a glass of water , as an attempt to sober your self up , before you leave .

you let the water run into the glass , once full your bring it to your  lips ,sipping it as you turned around , not quite leaving the sink yet  , contracting on the ice cold feeling run down your throat . That was of course until , you hit what was like a brick wall , making some of he water splash onto the ground ,

“oh sorr..” you stopped once you saw   who is was and end up doing a nervous laugh , trying to ignoring the raised heartbeat and that all so familiar feeling creeping its way into your stomach 

“i didn’t see where i was going “ 

“ i can see that “ a small laugh played on Chris lips in contrast to the soft, sadden eyes .

“well im sorry “ you whisper shyly , not making eye contact as you tried to get passed him , untill he placed his hand on your upper arm .

“for what the water , or avoiding me ?” he asked , you didnt need to look at him , you could hear the sadness 

“w..what ? i dont know what your talking about im here aint i “ you finally  looked up , it was then you relied how close the two of you were .

“thats not what i mean “

“then what ?” you asked confused , generally

he took a deep sigh and stepped even closer to you 

“you've been avoiding me , my calls , texts ..” he sounded like a sad child 

“iv been busy “ you tried to say over him

“i havnt seen you in 2 weeks or so “ he continued looking down , ignoring what you just said “ you havnt spoken to me all day , barley looked my way “ his eyes meet your “ and then i hear ... “ he pause bring his parm to your cheek “ and then i hear you have someone “

You couldn't breath the moment he touched your cheek , your breath was stolen , you could feel the heat raising  to your cheeks , burning under his touch . You almost missed what he said , and if your breath wasnt already gone it would be .

“why is he bothered ? , maybe this is why Scott did this , to see how chris would react ? but why would Chris react? his getting married , and why would Scott care ?”

you backed up till your back reached the sink , all to be followed as once again Chris comes back into the personal space .

“ i...it ..” you didnt know what to say , but your curiosity was wining as you couldnt think straight so you decide to go along with what you think could be Scotts , “you need to ask him later “ you  made a mental note “ why would you care anyway “

“because “  he sighed leaning in 

“because “your  breath hitched as his lips ghost your 

“because .... “ 

“CHRIS !”

Tag list

@patzammit

@little-smurf

[celticdoggo]

Gelfling dad au fic 2

The ride back was long and boring. Rian kept himself entertained by attempting to creep out the older gelfling his father had captured. He had taken off its gag because he liked hearing the traitors try to bargain with him because they always thought they had something better to offer than father.

This one however was boring. He kept talking kindly to Rian trying to touch him with bound hands. Rian didn’t like touching herbivores. Bree was an exception because even though she lived a cushy life in the castle she was vicious carnivores like him and father. “Rian,” his father called from where a carriage pulled by landstrider sat, “stop playing with the creature and come here.”

Rian hurried to his father’s side pulling the strange herbaviore behind him to be loaded with them into the carriage. His father hated going into the castle so Rian had the job of escorting it to Bree and her father. His cousin was always nice to see and she always snuck him new meat to smell and taste so he could add it to what he could track. His father always seemed proud when Rian found a new species that he could kill.

He found her soon amongst the animal cages. She turned from where she was dissecting something that used to be an animal and he proudly tossed the herbaviore at her feet. “I caught it for you,” he said shyly, “oh and something else to.” He fiddled in his pack and pulled out a cloth stained with blood. She took it from him with a raised eyebrow then laughed happily when she opened it. “Why do you have a bag full of blood covered spoons,” she asked and he felt himself puff up with pride at her laughter. “The traitor was hiding with podlings and they all tried to attack me with spoons,” he explained, “so I thought since you like the podlings here you might like some podlings weapons.”

She patted his hair. “Thank you Rian,” she said, “I absolutely love it. Now go take a bath and we can meet Mira at the spyglass today.” Rian groaned but trudged off. Mira didn’t like it when he showed up to meet her covered in blood. It made her look sad. He eventually makes it to the spyglass looking significantly cleaner than before. Mira grins at the both of them. “Hello there,” she says hopping down from her perch on the spyglass.

Rian lets Bree yammer on about an experiment she was conducting before asking, “Mira, what’s dreamfasting?” She blinks at him, “why do you ask?” “Father and I brought back a traitor today,” he explained, “he kept asking me to dream fast with me to show he wasn’t crazy. Kept claiming I was a stolen child.” He shrugged his shoulders as Mira offered a hand to both him and Bree.

He took it with an apprehensive look. Rian was then pulled into a vision of the first time he met Mira. He had practically bowled her over in his excitement to show his father the new additions he had added to the talons he had been given. He felt her feelings of confusion and slight fear until he took his mask off to show he was a gelfling. She showed him the day she explained that only girls have wings and her amusement at his confusion on what a boy was and how unfair that was.

He yanked his hand away. Bree didn’t do it quite as violently as him. “That was,” he said looking confused, “strange.” Mira smiles at him, “I guess so. But it’s a normal thing for us gelfling.” Rian made a face. “I’m not a gelfling,” he said which caused Mira to look sad, “I am father’s little hunter.” He puffs himself up. “You can’t be just his son,” Mira prompts as Bree ignored them to scribble away at her papers about her experience, “you don’t look like a skeksi. You look more like a stone-in-the-wood gelfling.”

Rian looked her annoyed that she would mention that he actually didn’t have talons like his father. “Doesn’t matter anyway,” he says dismissively, “I’m not a gelfling anymore.” Mira blinks at that. He doesn’t care really what she thinks really. His thoughts are interrupted by a screeching behind them. Whirling, he pushes the other two out of the way of a spitter as it scurries away. “A spitter,” Mira gasps as it hurried away, “what’s one doing in the castle?!”

“It must have escaped from scientist’s lab,” Bree said without any fear as she began recording the events, “Rian can go kill it. I doubt Scientist needs it back.” Mira looked at her then at Rian. “I’ll help you track it down,” she said and Rian shrugged indifferently, “good. Now good hunter where should we check first.” Rian grinned wide and bloodthirsty, “we search the lower part of the castle. They like dark places.”

A few minutes later, the two of them trudge through the low dark portions of the castle. Mira has a lamp in hand lighting her way. Rian is ignoring her. His hunter masked pulled down over his eyes and his steps barley making a noise. She was glad to come work at the castle and got on well with Ordon, leader of the guard, who had told her about the baby he had given in a tithing after his wife’s death. He always looked at Rian with a mixture of sadness and pride. Mira wasn’t stupid and had put it together that Rian had been the baby.

She had been assigned to Bree as a guard when she finally got to talk to him. He was strange. The both of them were really. They had no knowledge of gelfling culture and even how the wings work. She laughed herself silly when Rian asked why he didn’t get any wings like Bree until she realized he was serious. She felt her eyes drift to him. Honestly, the kid was terrifyingly like the feared hunter Skekmal but also so like a curious child it gave her whiplash at times.

He suddenly launched forward and she heard the squeal of a Spitter. It bucked with him hanging on and tearing at bits of the armor with clawed gauntlets. It unnerved her when she noticed he had the opportunity to make it quick but was toying with it by picking at the armor instead. It threw him off and dropped down a hole in the floor. She held her lantern over the open floor. “Where does it go,” she asked not able to see the end of the tunnel.

Rian took her lantern and tossed it down. After a few seconds it clattered down but the light it gave off gave him a glimpse of the catacombs beneath the castle where the crystal was kept between ceremonies. “The catacombs,” he said preparing to drop only for her to put a hand on him. He yanked away and gave her a little glare. “Sorry I know you don’t like to be touched,” she said plactingly, “but gelfling aren’t allowed in the catacombs.” He stared at her in confusion, “but I am not a gelfling.” With this he jumped, Rian used his gauntlets against the wall to slow his descent so he could tuck into a roll as he hit the ground to distribute his weight.

Mira simply flew down to land beside him. “Father used to train me down here,” he explained as they followed the soft growling, “he’d release animals for me to catch for to get pouncing and quiet walking down before he took me hunting.” A skeksi suddenly stepped out in front of them looking rather angrily at Mira. “We were hunting a Spitter that escaped,” Rian found himself blurting out taking a step towards Mira. “I am not mad at the gelfling,” said Scientist, “I simply am thinking how great an opportunity this is. Come childling of Skekmal, come gelfling, I have something fantastic to show you.”

He led them into the chamber with the Crystal sitting in it. Rian had seen it a few times when he visited the castle. It was beautiful but Mira seemed almost mesmerized by the crystal. “The crystal of truth,” she said breathlessly, “it’s beautiful.” Scientist cackled at her admission, “yes it is gelfling why don’t you step closer? Don’t be afraid.” Mira stood almost touching the crystal now and Rian was beginning to feel uneasy.

Scientist suddenly pulled a lever and a machine began whirring and wheezing. Electricity arced onto the crystal causing it to creak loudly. Mira looked stricken, “No! What are you doing to it?!” “Just an experiment don’t worry,�� he says keeping a hand on her shoulder to keep her looking at the crystal. The other skeksis in the castle have begun filing into the room. Rian runs to the little princess Deet’s side as she comes in with her father.

“I feel a pulling,” Mira says with a whimper her eyes turning dull and glowing. Something is being drawn out of her towards the crystal. Rian reaches out and covers Deet’s eyes. No one stops him. “Yes That’s it,” scientist prompts, “give to the crystal. Give it your love, your fear your hatred.” “My my lords help me please,” Mira begs now no longer able to look away. “Don’t worry my dear,” skektek said raising two strange devices with pronged ends, “give to the crystal. Give your very ESSENCE!”

He stabs her in the back much to everyone’s surprise. Something, some liquid, is being drawn from her into a basin nearby. She practically evaporated into light. “What have you done,” Skekso demands grabbing the scientist by his coat. “My lord my lord wait,” he begs, “Ive done what you’ve asked. I’ve found us life everlasting. Drink drink.” He gestured to the basin. The emperor stomps to it and drinks. Then he begins to laugh. “How do you feel my lord,” skektek asks stepping close to him. “I feel...I feel powerful,” he shouts picking up the skeksi and throwing him bodily. The other skeksis begin to clamor for the essence before they are stopped.

“Back,” Skekso shouts at them, “back you rapid worms. We must see how it would effect our childlings. Come here you little hunter.” He grips Rian pulling him away from Deet. “I would not ask my little princess to do it without knowing it’s effects. Come on and drink.” He pushes Rian to the edge of the basin. Rian knows if he doesn’t do it the emperor will merely shove his head in and he doesn’t want that. He cups his hands and drinks. He gets about four sips before whatever it is kicks in.

Rian thinks he can hear screaming but he doesn’t know whose it is. Mira whithers on the floor. The skeksis has betrayed them. They had drained her. What would happen to the gelfling they took in as children. Rian stabbed out with his gauntlet into his leg to ground himself. Mira began encroaching on his mind again and he merely dug his claws in harder. This was his mind. The itch from hunting was roaring in his skull on top of everything else. It demanded more, More, MORE, MoRe!

Skekso kicked him hard and he managed to finally get it under control. “Hm,” said Skektek thoughtfully, “I’ve seen them drink other essence and be fine. Perhaps it is that dream fasting I've heard mentioned among the other guards. Not to worry I’ll discover the answer.” Deet came over to help him off the floor with a look of concern for him and his shredded thigh. “Let me help with that,” she said gently, “We can take you to the healers.” She helped him hobble away while his stomach and head churned. What had their family done?

@fangirlingpuggle

[writtingflurries]

Five Times I Almost Said Those Three Words and the One Time I Did (+ a bonus)

I Confusion

I can’t believe it had been two months since I had seen you. Those days felt like years and it was like rain coming down on the desert. I lay on top of you in only a shirt our desires long have sated. I look up at you and I can’t help but feel lost in the moment. A smile breaks on my face and I feel a warm sensation run through my body, as if someone flipped a switch.

“You look like you want to tell me something” You caught me staring at you and I guess I do.

“Hey, Jacob I-“ I stop myself. I later learn of the obsession I have with those three words. In that moment with the emotions at a ten I think it should be said, but don’t often think about my own feelings. Even when I don’t know this there is something that tells me not to.

“You what?” I realize I had just trailed off in the middle of the sentence

“I really missed you, and I am happy you’re here” that earns me a tightening of your arms around me

“Same here”

I wasn’t truly there I still needed time and whether you noticed it or not you let me be.

II Stupidity

“You have to drink the entire bottle before midnight or else you will be cursed for 21 years” She said as she handed me a bottle of wine. It’s the eve of my 21st birthday and Jesus how can I drink this entire bottle by myself in what, two hours? Oh lord, I thought as I started drinking. Though a skeptic I was worried it had been spoken into existence, so I started working on the bottle.

Fast forward to twenty minutes before midnight. The bottle has been empty for about twenty minutes, and after a brief period of nausea coming I am pulled into the great glories of disorientation alcohol offers. No one thought about taking my phone away and now I’m on the porch of her house with you on the phone.

“Jacob I have to tell you something but I really don’t think I should” Don’t think I should? Of course I shouldn’t this is wrong I haven’t even sorted my own feelings out, but here I was about to make a mistake maybe you’d break up with me. Whoops that would suck, but my alcohol soaked brain is too gone to process anything.

“Then don’t” It’s a simple enough request, one that stops me in my tracks.

“But I think I should”

“How about you think it over and tomorrow you can tell me”

“That sounds smart I like that idea”

The next day I was so hungover I could barley even look at the screen to text you. You didn’t let this one slide, however.

“You were about to do something reckless it seemed, do you remember? You sounded really drunk.” I did remember and boy I hoped you’d let it slide but luck wasn’t on my side this time.

“Yea, I figured it could wait till I see you next. Are you coming over to KY at any point?”

“Yea I was thinking maybe sometime in December”

III Expectation

“Lets go to bed this game is about to end and we are going to be up in the morning. We go about changing into jammies before settling in. I’m resting on your bare chest while you draw patterns and shapes on my bare back. Theres nothing sexual about it, just a need to feel skin on skin to be close.

Your promise to come in December was broken and it resulted in a fight that had me questioning everything. In January we fought again, but I ended up explaining my feelings. You realized you might need to step it up, and in the past weeks I’ve seen improvement.

I kept promising that next time I see you in person there was something important I needed to tell you, but right here right now I can’t bring up the words. Its obvious you’re waiting to see if I say it, but after everything I don’t know if I can quite yet.

So I close my eyes. And at some point you do to.

IV Nonsense

“I love you! I love you so much sooo sooo much!” I slur drunkenly. We are seated right next to each other, but you can’t hear me. In my drunken state I know that I am probably going to tell you tonight. Maybe I’ll get lucky. Maybe you’ll hear me over the blearing music and we’ll leave it at that.

“I can’t hear you what are you saying?”

“Oh that I am going to go to the bathroooooom!” I get up right as the bass drops, I drop on your laugh. I start laughing because come on, this seems to be like something out of a rom com. You give me a smile and I keep laughing and smiling, now because you really don’t know how to handle your very drunk girlfriend. However, you’re trying and that’s the most important thing to me.

I get up and go find a sister of mine to go to the bathroom with me. The line is unfortunately long, so we are forced to wait.

“Roooose I’m in looooove!” I say while we wait. “I’m going to tell him toooday” I say with a smile to which she just laughs.

“I’m happy for you sis” she says as she finishes my drink. I pout, and she begins to laugh once more.

V Determination

“Hold on before we go I need to do something first” You put the car in park for a second before giving me several kisses. I smile thinking you know what I’m about to say. I’m about to say it when you place your hand on the gear shift again. “No wait, I really have something important to say” I gave you my best serious face. It probably accumulated to nothing more than a mere pout at this point.

Its funny how I was here again many months later. My mind lost in the amazing warped reality of alcohol, but this time I knew I had to and would do it. I was sure of myself, sure of my feelings.

The thought alone made me smile “Now, drunk Stephani is going to tell you this because sober Stephani is a chicken and I gotta tell you this”

“No” you shifted the car gear “You can tell me when we get home” I pouted and crossed my arms. Maybe I should tell you anyways or may-

“Wait a second you know what I’m going to tell you aren’t you”

“Yes I do” You wouldn’t even look at me your eyes ever plastered on the road.

“Then let me say it”

“No you have to do this sober, look we’ll get home and see if you want to do it then”

Apex

I took a quick look over my phone to see you putting on your shoes

“Now I’m weak and scared” I text them back while biting my lip.

“Dooooo it”

“Now?”

“I mean he knows its coming” That he did. Last nights conversation proved as much and I can’t believe I let liquor get the hold of me one more time. In that moment I felt my heart beat start racing and my palms got sweaty.  

“AHH” I text back at the indication of pure anxiety that I was feeling. Truth is this is probably the first time I say those words for the same time while meaning it. I felt like I was always pushed to say those words at first. They mean a lot, and over time I would feel it too, but this is the first time where I am sure from the start.

I heard you telling me something, but I was truly only half listening while I continued to text my motivator.

“If you feel like you are ready, which I think you are, they say it. He doesn’t need to feel the same way, but you need to come clean! Honesty is important!”

I took a deep breath.

“Jacob I need to tell you something before we go” that got your attention. “I think you know what I’m going to say, but I need to say it out loud and know that you know.” I dared looked up at you before finally building the courage.

“I love you” I take a deep breath as I set my explanation.

“I love you too” you say so nonchalantly.

“You- you do?” I hear my voice crack a bit at the end as I feel my eyes begin to tear up. You give me a small smile and pull me onto your lap. You give me a tight hug.

“Yea, why wouldn’t I?” Jesus, I don’t think you know what those words mean. There are several reasons as to why you might not be ready, why you might not even want to say it back. In this moment I realize that all my fears were for nothing. You love me, and I you, and it reassures me that no matter how hard this gets we will always make it work.  

Bonus

“I think we need to break up, I just don’t honestly know where this is going” I read on and on. I smile weakly at the screen. Truthfully I saw this coming, so I am not surprised but it still doesn’t take away how upsetting this is.

“I care a lot about you, a lot, and I am not lying when I say I love you. However I understand if you really dont feel the same way” Because really how could you? Even though you said those words back then, how could you actually love me if you’re letting something like distance get in the way. 

How could you truly love me if you’re willing to so easily let me go? 

My thoughts are interrupted when I hear another ping come from my lap.

“I don't think I'm emotionally ready for a long term relationship where I'm not sure where it's going right now. And I obviously care about you a lot but I'm not sure if that's enough for me. I think you truly do deserve happiness; I just don't think this, nor me, is where you’ll find it.”

But who are you truly to decide that for me? Who are you to tell me where and when I will find it. I try as I might to calm down, but this is all too much.

“I will never be a prisoner to those words again” I think as I let rage consume me.

[secretsideofme95]

This Is My Story!

So, I’m just going to get all this out, I did something similar on new years, i sat down with someone and just spilled everything. I talked and talked and talked i just told everything, things ive never told anyone. But now i’m gonna get it all out, so here it is. My story.

I have never done anything like this so i am not quite sure how to do this but here we go.

Like many others growing up in primary school and secondary school i was bullied. I grew up with a lisp, i struggled with saying S and any words with it in. I had people older then me making fun of it i even had a teacher trying to convince me it was my fault and i just couldn't speak properly. At first i didn't understand why i was being asked to say words with S in it, but quickly i found out. it ended up making me so self conscious i got shy and quiet and just hid away and kept to myself. This was going on from like year 4 when i was 6/7 (i think i cant remember) Truth is from my childhood i dont remember anything good, i have no memories of anytime playing with friends going out having fun even just playing, only things i remember from my past at this time is just bullying.

In secondary school i remember again getting made fun of for my lisp, but also told i was ugly and that no one would wanna be with me. i had all these people making fun of me, i didn't fit in any of the groups i didn't even want to, i thought all this group stuff was stupid, so even just coz i wasn't part of the popular kids or the cool kids that ment bully me. people found anything to make fun of. i started self harming around 13. In school both primary and secondary i never really had friends so never had any after school activities, never went round someones house, i never went out with friends, i just went home. which i lived in a flat with my mum, a one bedroom flat. The council wouldn't move us despite my age, i had the bedroom my mum had the front room as her room. but ofcorse people still made fun of that coz we couldn't afford a house like they could.

Home, You would think that would be better but not really, i was a only child so i was on my own again, while at home i would do whatever i could to pass the time, i watched allot of movies, this is where i got into games, was a getaway, i could be someone else, i could pretend to be anyone. pretend i wasn't alone. so yes my mum was there, in a sense anyway. she would work all day and had an iron deficiency, so she would work all day, volunteering in a charity shop (another thing people made fun of me for) she would come home and just go to sleep, that was it she would go to work then go to sleep. I learnt to take care of myself, cook for myself. I became independent and i grew up i was basically living on my own at the age of 15. 

When i was 18, at college, there was this one particular day, one day that stuck with me, i came back home from college, and there was a padlock on the door and an eviction notice, the council had kicked us out. all i had was the stuff for college that day and that was it. my mum went and stayed with her boyfriend, i had to find somewhere to stay, with no close friends and no other family was harder then you'd think. luckily i found someone who i knew who let me stay a few days, it grew us closer together she ended up becoming one of my best friends, which was good coz i was homeless and for the next 7 months was the hardest time of my life, so many times i wanted to give up and end it, so many times i just couldn't carry on, i had not much of my stuff, i had no privacy, no room for myself, i had to revolve my life around everyone else, whoever’s i was staying at. for 7 months i was at college Monday to Friday all day 9am till 5pm then Tuesday till Sunday from 6pm until 11pm i had work. then then same every day. it was so hard all the stress, having to find somewhere new to stay every few days. worrying about money about college work. about normal work. about what if the day comes i wont be able to find somewhere to stay.

I wish i could say it ends there but it dosnt. since then to this day i have been homeless (well sofa surfing) 3 times. every time getting worse and worse. This really is not helping my mental health at all.

So this is not everything tho, around the time i was 18 i was dating this girl, She was blond, so beautiful, she was such an incredible girl she was perfect and i loved her. after 3 years we broke up, i still loved her, i was 18 i was stupid and acted before i though, we had got into an argument after we had broke up, started on twitter actually. Allot was said between both of us, but she was suffering from bad mental health aswell as i was, i said some nasty stuff we both did, but i tipped her over the edge, shes told me after this happened that it wasn't my fault, she was already at the point i just pushed it that tiny bit over, but she tried to commit suicide like 4 times, everything got too much for her, i didn't know about this, not until i went back to college and i saw her one day, i saw the bandages, i saw the marks, i saw what i had done to her, people have said it wasn't me shes said it wasn't my fault, but i cant help feeling guilty, i cant help thinking what if i hadn't got in that argument what if i reacted differently, it wasn't my fault yet i feel guilty to this day, 6 years later this still lays heavy on my conscience, seeing what it had done too her, i couldn't take it. This is what has made me so bad, what has turned me into this, this is what made me become this.

i have learnt from this, i think before i speak, im terrified of confrontation, im terrified of arguments, i cant walk away i cant leave people when they are upset or angry, even if i get in an argument, i cave in, i give in and i usually give them whatever they want, i dont want this happen again so i do what i have to to stop the argument even if its not what i want, even if it hurts. i cant go through that again, it would kill me and destroy me more then it already has.

This is why i dont think i deserve to be happy, what i did to her, what happened, im getting what i deserve. 

Every relationship ive had literally all of them except for this blond (including the ones before her) have all cheated on me, they have all used me, all played me. for one reason or another, i always get hurt. i pour my soul in, i give everything i can put in all effort and do whatever i can for them to make them happy, to give them what they want, and each one just takes me for grated and takes more, and more of me, slowly they are taking everything and soon there is going to be nothing left.

My family,  that dosnt exist, none of them talk to me, wanna know me, they dont even know anything about me, nothing happened just slowly they all stopped talking to me, now even if i try messaging them not a single one will reply, even when i was in the hospital for my operation. no one cared to even ask why. when i need help most, not a single one cared.

my friends, i barley have any anymore, those that i do dont live close to me. all my friends i had i lost, my 2 best friends were married (together) i was actually living with them until a month ago, until they decided to turn their back on me, give me 3 days to get my stuff and move out, they were even so nice as to give me no help, even got me fired from my job on the same day. 

my mental health gets worse and worse every day, not a day goes by i wish i was dead to be completely honest, i dont wanna live this life anymore i dont wanna live all this shit im done, but i carry on living through this shitty existence for those few people who still care. and every single day is hell fighting myself fighting my urges, being at war with yourself is the hardest battle to go through. every night i go to sleep crying, every morning i wake up wishing i hadnt. i would do anything to have a cuddle, i would do anything to just fall asleep with someone.

My love life, well thatch just non existent. in the last 4 months i had 4 dates, date 1, goes well have fun went out for a drink had a laugh blah blah blah, she said shed love to see me again soon, i was a lovely guy she really liked me. ofcorse i never heard from her again. date 2, go out for a drink to get to know each other, again goes well connected got on well im a nice guy how am i single, anyone would be lucky to have me, again, dosnt ever contact me again. date 3, so talking for ages been going round there spending time with here cuddling, then out of no where she tells me shes seeing someone after telling me she likes me but isn't ready for a relationship so might take some time for us. well that was bullshit coz she got straight into one with some other guy within a week saying she loves him. so date 4 a few weeks ago, been talking goes week meet up and yeah same story how am i single anyone will be lucky im the perfect guy shes looking for, so we arrange a date to go and have dinner together i was gonna cook for her, on the day tho she stops talking to me, dont here from her for another week, she tells me she ditched me coz she found someone. so once again same shit happens despite that she said she wouldn't and all that bullshit ... guys are not the only ones that can be dicks to people and fuck them over. i have given up completely, stopped looking, stopped feeling, stopped caring..

my sleeping is i dont even know how to explain it, i dont sleep much most nights im awake with my thoughts, i get maybe 2 hours a sleep a night if that, i just no matter how tired i am i cant fall asleep, i cant relax and switch off. im sitting here now running on no sleep for 48 hours and i cant fall asleep. so here i am writing this. when i do sleep i regularly have nightmares, bad nightmares, but ive got so used to them now, its normal to have them and dosnt even bother me anymore, used to terrify me. now i hope they are real i hope that that dream i die, is not a dream. when i sleep i feel nothing, its the closest to death ill get, its peace.

i broke my leg 3 years ago at a trampoline park, ever since then ive been in constant pain every single day, bad excruciating pain, im on strong opioid painkillers to try and control the pain, im on Tramadol, codeine and naproxen every day, and im still in pain, i cant straighten my leg, i cant walk properly. ive had surgery on it, ive done physio and it isn't helping, im stuck like this, im stuck in pain every single day and there is nothing they can do.

so you wanna know how i feel every day, inside my head im fighting a war, fighting myself, trying to find a reason to go on to get through another shitty day on this earth with things never getting any better, im tired of being alive, fed up of being someone that when things start going right or better, something rips it out from under me and pulls me back down even worse then before. im terrified of being happy, im terrified of good things. do you know what its like to be scared of just being happy, what its like being scared when you meet someone good, or make a friend.everyday im looking for something to make me feel something, because honestly now, i feel absolutely nothing, i feel empty. nothing affects me anymore,  nothing gets me low, gets me sad. everything is being taken from me. all this shit, my life has taken everything from me and the only thing that is left for this shitty life to take is my beating heat and my conscience. and im not sure how long i can hold out for, and the only reason i am is for the 1 or 2 people that actually care, they may not be close but i know it will hurt them. and i dont want them going through that. 

i would do anything to be a dad i wanna be one so bad, in my head anyway, in reality im terrified to have kids, i am terrified they will turn out like me, im scared they will go through this, im scared they will get the same thing as me, i wouldn't want anyone to live with this, i know that i dont. i defiantly would never want my own child too,

i need help, but i dont know what will, i dont know what can help. i think im too far gone and its too late. 

my life is and endless series of train-wrecks, only i have no intervals of happiness, i have no happiness or even anything close. just when i dont think things can get worse they do. 

everything one way or another fucks me over, everything one way or another at some point hurts me, /// i dont think some people are ment to be happy, and i am one of them. some people are ment to suffer. and i dont know how much more i can take. i dont see what more could happen, but im sure it will. and im waiting for the day it gets too much. i dont even know how i got this far.

I know that no one cares, not about this, not about me. but its ok.

im used to it. this is my life. this is my normal. this is the real me ... 

But this face smile, this mask ... this is what everyone else sees, ...

[kcookendrick]

All I Want Is You

Who: Adam Levine and Anna Kendrick (anam) 

Location: Annas house in LA 

Date: May 8th 2018 

Summary: Anna gets jealous that Adam went for a walk with Behati and Dusty that morning which led them to a fight but now shes stressed about other things and they have a talk.   

@hfamelevine

Anna: Anna felt like she couldn't breathe, she was fucking everything up and she knew it too. Fighting with Adam wasn't her favorite thing to do, and it was always mostly her fault but all she needed was for him to hold her in his arms and tell her that it was all going to be okay. With her mom gone for the day on a shopping spree, Anna sat in her living room holding her knees to her chest getting lost in her thoughts while staring into space. Waiting for him to get here, Anna tried not to fall asleep.

Adam: Their argument this morning was one that Adam didn't want to deal with anymore. Sure, he may have been out of line a little bit for the way that he acted last night, but now, their fight had carried over to today and his mood was affected and was sure to be affected while he was at work for The Voice later on that night. They were supposed to be leaving for Mexico the following night after bringing her mom to the airport to go back home to Maine, but because things had been strained between the both of them once again, he had no idea if they were even still leaving early to have time to themselves before Brie and Tom's wedding. With his second coffee in his hand along with a coffee for her, he made his way to Anna's place, although he was still asking himself why he had been going there this morning anyway. Once he got there with the okay to come inside, he closed the door behind him and walked into the living room, putting his coffee down on the couch before handing Anna hers. "If you wanted to sleep I wouldn't have come." He says.

Anna: Everything was falling apart, and Anna was on the verge of another breakdown. Listening to the few voicemails from Ben right before Adam getting here wasn't a god idea, fighting with Aubrey over the phone was pissing her off and Anna just wanted to get back to work so she didn't have to deal with anything but focus on her movie. As he handed her the coffee, Anna kissed him softly and sighed "Hi to you too" She said quietly, and took a sip

Adam: "Hi," He says. After handing her the coffee, he turns back to the table where his was sat. Picking it up, he takes a sip from it, and then follows it quickly with another. A few seconds passed without saying much, and he finally sits beside her on the couch, taking another sip from his cup of coffee before putting it back down on the table.

Anna: With her knees still up to her chest, Anna held her coffe with both hands as it was still warm. Taking a breath, she took a sip and watched Adam take a few sip of his and then sighed. She hated silence, and she hated when people were short with her. Anna looked at him, and then looked down at then looked at him again "How's Dusty?" Anna asked

Adam: "Fine," He hated this, he hated giving her these one worded answers, but their argument had stemmed from the fact that he had spent time with Behati yesterday with Dusty, so he didn't want to say anything else that could further spur on another argument between the two of them. He did though, look at her when she looked at him.

Anna: All Anna could do right now was nod, chewing on her lips her stomach started to growl and she then swallowed hard. Looking down at her floor, Anna wished her mom was here to interrupt. "I'm sorry." Anna said quietly, those words were something she was getting very used to saying and it bothered her.

Adam: He stared at her until those words came out of her mouth, but once they did, he looked away. He looks down at his lap, clearing his throat and then shaking his head. "Where's your mom?”

Anna: Anna furrowed her eyebrows and looked at him, then shook her head and took a breath "She went shopping. Wanted to get some things for my dad." Anna said, and then looked at him while sighing.

Adam: "Hm," He makes a noise, a small one, but he nods in return to her words. Leaning forward, he lifts his head again only to look at his cup of coffee and pick it up off of the table to take another sip of it. He waits a few seconds, but he sighs and finally looks at her.

Anna: Now getting annoyed, Anna checked her phone and then looked at him "I said I was sorry."

Adam: "I heard you." He says, shaking his head now. He lets out another sigh, but it's more like an irritated breath. "I told you earlier I know that you're sorry. You don't have to keep saying it."

Anna: Anna bit her lips, and felt a lump forming in her throat "Then talk to me, please." She said quietly now putting her coffee on the table

Adam: Adam raises an eyebrow, and then turns to face her completely. Leaning back against the arm of the couch, he stares at her. "Fine," He says, "What? About what? About the exact same thing I told you earlier?"

Anna: "No." Anna said now pissed off "About anything. How was work?" She questioned, then sighed "I hate when people are short with me cause of something I did or said." Anna told him, and took a sip of her coffee

Adam: "You don't wanna talk about The Voice right now," He says, chuckling. When he chuckles in a situation like this, it's because it's a habit out of something that was uncomfortable for him, and that's exactly what this was. "I don't know what you want me to tell you, Anna."

Anna: "Then maybe you should just go, becuase if you aren't going to talk to me then why are you here?"Anna asked, she was upset and she's about to let the tears that she's holding back fall from her face "Can you please just fucking talk to me?"

Adam: "So now you want me to go because I /know/ you don't want to talk about the fucking Voice right now?" Adam says, his eyebrow raised once more before shaking his head. "If you want me to talk to you, fucking tell me what you want me to talk to you about, because I told you what I wanted to in the text we had earlier. I told you I can't convince you into thinking I'm not the guy you want to think I am and all you did was fucking say that you're sorry. I /get/ that, but it's not the answer that I wanted to hear from you. It's like you want me to break up with you so you have a blame for it."

Anna: "Not right now I don't no, but I do want to hear how work went." Anna said quietly, and then looked down. She knew she was wrong, Anna wanted so badly to grab a glass of wine instead of her coffe. She took a deep breath and chewed her lips, while letting the tears fall from her face now "I feel like I'm on the verge of another breakdown. I keep fucking up, and I'm sorry." She said, while trying to let out steady breaths "I don't want you to brake up with me."

Adam: "Well I don't want to talk about work at all right now." When she looks down, his eyes are inverted elsewhere because he doesn't want to look at her. This was going to turn into another argument and he didn't want another argument, so he just sighed. It was all that he could do. "I care about you, Anna. I do, but I can't..." He frowns, shaking his head as he runs his hand through his hair. "I can't keep telling you what you already know."

Anna: Anna swallowed hard, and then looked down at the floor. She fucked up big time with him, and now Anna was scared and everything was starting to rush through her mind. Looking at him, she let tears fall and then she looked down "I love you, and I trust you. I'm in love with you, and I'm sorry for getting jealous. I'm sorry for thinking that you're going to go back to them, but it's..., I just..." Stopping herself, Anna was having a hard time breathing "Can you please just come over here and hold me please." She said quietly

Adam: "You can keep saying sorry, Anna, but I know you're sorry and it's not going to change anything." His frown deepens for a moment and he lets out another sigh as he shakes his head. "I love you too, but I...I can't..." He looks away again, "I told you, I feel like I can't do anything...right, or anything to make you happy, and you keep saying I make you happy but I don't know if it's...if that's really what it is." He looks back at her now, "I've tried so hard to prove to you that you're the one I want to be with, Anna. It's like you...keep saying it to yourself to make yourself believe that's what you want too."

Anna: Anna sighed, and then looked at him "You do make me happy, I know we fight alot and that it's mostly my fault. I told you, I'm trying to work on that. I'm fucked up Adam, alright?" She said quietly "I'm fucked up." Anna looked at him again "Ben left me voicemails, and I listened to all of them. Aubrey's barley talking to me becuase Ive been a shitty friend, and youre this close to ending things I can feel lit." She said softly, and felt tears fall again "I'm fucked up, and I'm trying not to be." Swallowing hard, Anna wasn't even sure if she was making any sense "I don't want you to brake up with me becuase I'm in love with you." She said, and she was truly in love with him. Sure the had a lot of issues to work on, but this fight felt different and it scared her "Can you please just hold me?" She asks again, sighing

Adam: He's quiet for most of what she says, because he knows from getting to know her over the past couple of months that what had ended her last relationship partly was her ex calling her fucked up. He may be upset with her right now, he may be even a little bit mad at her right now, but the one thing that he wasn't going to do was call her fucked up. It would be hypocritical of him to do so--because they both knew that he was fucked up too. However, he clears his throat and his eyes widen slightly at the mention of Ben leaving her voicemails, and he shakes his head. "He's doing that because he can see that we're together and wants to fuck with you." His voice is quiet, but he finally makes way to move closer to her on the couch to do what she asked him to do.

Anna: Anna's waiting for him to agree with her, that she's fucked up but he doesn't and it bothered her because it's true. Hearing Ben's voice minutes before Adam came over was a dumb move on her, but the drunk voicemail she listened to from him was playing over and over in her head. "Well it's working." Was all she can say right now, taking a breath Anna wiped he eyes and felt her lips quiver for a few minutes as he holds her.

Adam: As he finally moves over to wrap his arms around Anna and hold her like she wanted him to, what Ben possibly could have said to her in those voicemails was now swirling around in his thoughts too. A frown begins to settle on his face a second time, and he sighs. “He...wants to meet up for that favorite and famous thing, right? Coffee. He wants to meet for coffee...he still loves you. God...he loves you so much that he can’t believe he fucked it up.” He clears his throat once more and looks at her. “Hm?”

Anna: When Adam was holding onto her, hearing him rant a little Anna scoffed and laughed nervously "The opposite of that, I got a drunk voicemail of him telling me he hates me which I don't blame him for." Anna sighed, and buried her face into his arms swallowing hard "But I don't want to talk about Ben."

Adam: “He hates you until what? You see him again or...until you return the call? If you do that at all.” He watches her as she buries her face into his arm, and his frown is still settled onto his face as he brings his free hand up to run it over and through her hair. “I don’t want to break up with you, Anna...” He finally says, whispering to her. “I love you /so/ much. I just...I wish you would listen to me when I tell you nothing’s going on.”

Anna: Anna held into his arms and left her face in them, taking deep breaths and sighed while letting him play with her hair. Swallowing hard, Anna kissed his arms softly and turned to the right position to hug him "I think I need to see him, or talk to him at least. Tell him to stop calling me, because he..." Stopping herself, Anna looked a Adam and kissed him softly on the lips "I love you so much, I do and I'm sorry that I'm fucked up. I'm sorry that I got jealous." Anna said, realizing she apologized again.

Adam: He stops talking when she mentions seeing Ben, or talking to him, and then clears his throat a moment later. Even after clearing his throat, he doesn't say anything because it's taking him a few moments to process what she had just said about that. While he understood that, he couldn't help but wonder about it. "...Because he what?" He finally asks, tone in his voice soft as he kisses her back gently and then pulls back slightly to look at her, bringing his hands up to both sides of her face like he usually does.

Anna: Closing her eyes for a few moments, Anna sighed and too a deep breath "Because he was with me for five years Adam. After our fight, I just left because it hurt and I didn't want to stay there anymore. He just, he deserves a little bit of closure. Maybe that's why he keeps calling me, I don't know." Anna chewed her lips, and swallowed hard "I told you that I hurt him, so I don't--" Stopping herself, Anna looked at him "I don't have to see him, I don't have to talk to him it's fine." Anna let out a shaky breath, and rubbed her forehead

Adam: "No, no. I get it, I just..." He pauses for a few moments and then shakes his head. "It was just...surprising. To hear that he's still leaving you voicemails." He frowns for a moment and lets out a sigh. "I get the closure thing. I needed it when I...when Anne and I broke up, so I...I understand it." He nods, shaking his head. "Do what you think is...the right thing to do, babe. Okay? I'm gonna stand behind whatever you want to do."

Anna: "Ben doesn't usually drink, so something must be going on which is why he's leaving me the voicemails in the first place." Anna sighed, and then rested her head on Adam's chest, while playing with her hair "I think I need to see him." She whispered, and then bit her lips "It's gonna kill me probably, but I think it'll help not only him but me in some way."

Adam: He nods his head, then lets out a sigh as he runs a hand through her hair. Staying quiet for a moment, he nodded and then leaned down and kissed her forehead. “Okay,” He says, quietly. “I’m...I’m not gonna tell you that you can’t. You know that.” He whispers.

END 

[goldenkiva]

unfiltered rambling (this is a (long) vent post; cw for some irl death mentions, sui and self harm mention (nothing in reality), bad mental health time, all that jazz

well it’s 7:30 am and ive been awake since 4 am. which is an improvement really. i slept at 12:30am ish, in contrast to constantly sleeping at 8 am or later the past month or so. and it’s been taking a very bad toll on me lately mentally. everything has been building up and probably toyin’s death (yes the one who was found dead, we were classmates in middle/high school...) was my breaking point as i had a very bad panic attack a few days after. that lasted a good 22 hours before i fully calmed down. it always takes me 5-9 hours to calm down from anxiety or trauma related bad times as i have no real coping mechanisms and i will just literally do nothing but stay huddled up in bed until the unbearable feeling goes away. but that one. was just really bad. i think i also accidentally upset one of my best friends before that which also attributed to it (we’re fine now.) it’s been a bit since i had that panic attack but i still feel so bad all the time. sometimes i joke about wataru giving me chest pain bc i love him so much but i feel like i havent experienced physical emotion in so long i just want to feel it even if it’s painful. i dont self harm so dw about that btw. but i rarely shed even a single tear anymore when ive always been a total cry baby. i only cry full on tears and sobs now when im being over stimulated during a conversation. i just genuinely want to feel physically excited or happy or sad or whatever. i want to feel physical emotion again and not just numbness with an occasional laff or on the verge of getting watery eyes but not even real crying or whatever. 

i also had to get a new phone bc my dumb clumsy self dropped my phone flat on the screen a second time and it was unrepairable which makes me sad bc i only had this phone for two years and it still ran perfectly well. i wanted to keep it for 3-4 years at least...i got a new one ordered yesterday and im splitting price with my dad n i just feel bad i had to get a new one at all bc because of covid and shit my parents are only getting half the usual business and we already dont make a ton. thankfully my parents and sister are the type to not spend recklessly in general (i am prob the biggest spender...) but that wont stop my dumb of ass generalized anxiety disorder from making me worry about bankruptcy or poverty or some other extreme. i hate it bc i cant do anything about these thoughts except just what feels like sitting in mud and i slowly sink in. i wish i was an artist with more clout because i desperately want to be have consistent (or any) income. even before covid i always feel bad about not having a job. ik it’s hard to balance school and work anyway so it’s fine if im not working but it sucks. american college is a scam. at least i didnt go to an art school. (well. i am in art program in college. but not going to an arts dedicated school like ringling. which is significantly more expensive. if i went to art school id be significantly more likely to end up in very heavy debt) but i hate having gad. i hate not having any real coping mechanisms. i feel frustrated and a little annoyed when i asked about coping mechanisms for my anxiety with my therapist she just told me breathing exercises. which ig can be valuable but ik in my heart this wont help me at all. perhaps it’s un-dx’d adhd with rsd making me feel that way that makes me refuse to even want to do them. all my medical and health issues are also a contribution to my gad and financial terrors. sometimes it makes me wanna die but i wont do that. bc my friends and family would genuinely be very heartbroken if i were to suddenly be gone especially if by my own hand. i wouldnt want anyone to blame themselves either...

the only things genuinely making me feel anything lately is wataru and buck tick. it almost makes me a little upset how little amount of things make me happy or even feel anything rn. im reading a tragedy visual novel rn (which is very good and well written and i generally like tragedies and i find them indulgent) that i am enjoying very much yet i feel barley anything while reading it. i immensely miss the buck tick concert streams so bad. watching them over the month and half they streamed every saturday morning really put how much they love making music and performing in a brand new light to me, and watching that last concert bestias locus solus was just. so amazing. i dont know how to talk about it other than i was genuinely touched. they went all out playing at that concert stage bc it was their first time performing there (at the time in their 31 year career, 33 this year) and the unplugged performances and sakura especially got me so hard. im not good with words so im not doing a good job at all expressing how much that concert (along with the day in question 2017) made me feel. i miss it. i want to buy the dvds so bad but theyre so expensive and now is not a time for reckless spending. but one day i will attain them and experience the happiness they bring me again. im sad my friends arent rly into them the same degree i am but ig it really is such a personalized feeling. i was already in a state of dread and depression when i got into the band. but im still glad my other friends enjoy them and tell me they enjoy their music. their stuff slaps. theyre just an amazing band. a band not restricted by genre. a band who makes music because they love it and love performing and love their fans and dont get warped in the ideas of fame or fortune, and are fully okay with being normal people...a band with the same line up since their pro debut in 1989 because the members all love and care about each other so much. theyre still going strong in their mid to late 50s as they were in their late teens. they make me so happy...

well it’s 8 am now and if youve read this whole thing, thanks i guess? that sounds rude, but im just kinda sittin in the mud. im still in the midst of cleaning my room. i am not someone to recklessly hurt myself or anything like that so dont worry about that. i’ll be fine. probably. if you wanna listen to buck tick heres their spotify :) i recommend their albums atom miraiha no. 09, no.0 (especially the live performance version), kuratta taiyo, darker than darkness style 1993, aku no hana, and their kemonotachi no yoru/rondo double single. they slap so good. also spotify is missing literally like 15 years worth of their music from the 00s-10s. you can find downloads online though. theyre also releasing a new single in august im very excited for it. also, the singer of the band (atsushi sakurai) did a collab with sheena ringo where he sung the bg vocals of her song elopers, which was also made in sakurai’s image and she got it really dead set on tbqh. sheena ringo loves bt so yall should too :)

[itshayley101]

Darry

This is for @lovefordally

Warnings : none

this is pretty long

You had been a member of the gang for a long time you were close friends with pony and johnny. For many months you had had a rather huge crush on Darry And johnny was the only one to figure it out. You were always so awkward when he walked into the room even though you guys barley ever spoke he still drove you insane. The way he looked out for everyone, how much he cared about his family and how he woud do anything to keep them together, and also his muscles. 

One bright sunny day in Tulsa you had worked up the courage to tell him how you had felt because what could go wrong, right ?.

you walked into the curtis house, it was 9:00am and Darry was in the kitchen cooking breakfast. he was the only one up (for just now) so you knew you had to tell him before anyone else heard what you were going to say.

“Hey Darry?”. “Yes Y/N ?” “listen... theres been something... ive been meaning to tell you..” be looked at you with a rather worried expression on his face “ Whats wrong doll, did someone hurt you ?” you loved it when he called you that “No Darry its nothing like that” you said nervously then you heard moving around upstairs “ look Darry.....ive..kinda..liked you for a long time” 

silence

dead silence

Darry had liked you too but he wasnt going to tell you that he thought one of the boys was trying to pull a prank on him “well Y/N im sorry but i cant say i feel the same way..” he was lying but you didnt know that “oh..” was all you could say. you could feel yourself beginning to cry “look...Y/N im sorry..” “Its fine Darry im sorry i bothered you” you ran out of the house and the last thing you seen was a half naked sodapop staring at you, mouth wide open

you ran

just ran untill you couldnt see the house.

you decided you would go to to the drive in for a bit and watch a few movies 

Time skip<<<<<< 6:00pm 

you had walked around for a bit after the drive in and decided to go to bucks for a bit. the thoughts of earlier began to run through your mind and you began to cry and you were in floods of tears when you got to bucks.

you knocked the door and buck answered letting you inside and dint even bother to ask whats wronbg he decided to leave you be until you calmed down 

you wanted a beer so you went to go get one and on your way to get one you bumped into dallas “Hey Y/N whats up��� dallas asked “nothing..its fine” you answered  “hey im gonna go to the curtises are ya comin ?”he asked  “nah i think ill just stay here thanks anyway”  you replied “suit yourself” and with that he left and you decided to get a beer then go sit in dallas room 

20 mins later 

dallas ot to the curtis house and everyone was there johnny was siting reading in the corner with pony, soda and steve were playing poker on the table, two-bit was staring at the tv with his shoe in hand and darry was cleaning up everyones mess

“hey ” dallas said then a variation of “hey’s” came from around the room “hey whats up with that Y/N ?” “what do ya mean ?” johnny asked “man i just passed her on the way out from bucks, broad was in tears man, think she was after a beer” 

it then clicked in johnnys head what had happened he figured you told him you liked him and he thought you were joking.]

johnny got up and went to talk to darry.

“hey Dar ?” “hey whats up johnnycakes?”  “ did Y/N tell ya she liked ya ?” Darry froze in this moment “yep” was all he could say “ but you like her too right “ he didnt reply “Darry you know she wasnt jokin right ?” johnny said quietly “sure she was johnny why would she like me ?” “ Darry she likes ya trust me she likes the way you look out for everyone and are always there an will do anything to keep everyone together “ Darry was silent for a minuet then grabbed his car keys and left 

you were in dallas room in the corner you had finished your beer and were just crying in the corner then the door swung open and there was Darry standing in the doorway “ Y/N im sorry i thought you was jokin when you said you liked me and to be honest i really like you too... no wait... i love ya “ you looked at him and was silent for a minuet then you spoke “ Really Darry you aint just messin with me ?” “Y/N im being for real i honestly love ya i just thought one of the guys was pullin a trick on me cause i didnt think someone so beautiful could be in love with me” you hugged him tightly and didnt let go “ I love you to Darry” and with that he picked you up and carried you to the car and took you back to his place both of you happy you were finally together 

hope you likd it and hope this is what you asked for :) 

[leenasleena-blog]

It’s Too Late

Authors Note: This is based off of the song ‘Breathe Me’ By Sia. I’ve had this one sitting around for months, not one i was planning on posting anytime soon definitely not my best work, just wanted to post it so there was something.

Summary: (y/n) acts fine around all her friends. She’d always make other people happy before herself, she’s the one who stopped Kai from hurting more people and talked him into bringing Elena back. She brought him and the rest of her friends together, everyone loved her. She always wrote in her journal about everything she held inside. But one day her breakup with Tyler sends her over the edge. He made her feel worthless, like no one would ever want her..She does something no one saw coming…and it breaks everyones heart. 

Warning:Language,violence, Self Harm, Thoughts of Suicide…Death 

Tuesday May Eighth:

    Dear diary, Tyler broke up with me last night..he said i was a pathetic excuse for a girlfriend and a human being. He said i was worthless and that no one would really truly miss me. He said they only act like my friends so i’ll do things for them. I’ve known them my whole life, well most of them. What’s wrong with me? What did i do wrong? He said he never loved me i was just his way of passing time..im honestly heartbroken and confused. He came by my house again today just to make sure i knew how pathetic i was; with some random girl he had with him. He says he is leaving town to find someone worth loving. We dated for 3 years, 3 years wasted. He said if i told anyone about any of this or our breakup he’d make my life a living hell. Like it isn't already…

I finished writing in my journal tears smudging my writing and blurring my vision, i sat on my bed hearing nothing but sobs for hours now. After about another 20 minutes i got a call i didn't have time to see who it was and i thought it might have been one of my friends calling so i wiped my tears away clearing my voice to awnser trying my best to sound normal. “H-hello?” “Just checking in with the pathetic excuse of a ex girlfriend. It’s great being rid of you because now i can fuck whoever i want without thinking about your hideous face. Honestly i don't even know why i used you to pass time you wer’nt even worth it. Why don't you do everyone a favor and just drop dead k. Bye slut.”

 He sounded happier then he has in a while. Happy making me feel like nothing, leaving me behind after all the things we’d been through. The phone was still pressed to my ear when i heard someone knock on my bedroom door. I lived with Damon and Stefan in the extra bedroom, since my parents sold our house and moved away after graduation. Before i could awnser the door Elena and Damon opened it and walked in. I slid my journal under my pillow and put my phone down on the table next to my bed.

 Doing my best to smile and act happy. “Oh my god, (y/n) what’s wrong?” Elena said as i watched both of there smiles disappear. “Oh nothing. I just, uh, was reading a sad book is all. What’s up?” i said wiping my tears off my face. I wasn't sure if they bought it or not but they didn't push the question anymore. “Just  seeing if you and Tyler wanted to go with the rest of us. We’re all going to a ball at Klaus’s.” Elena said with a smile. “Yeah you love parties and balls. Well so does Tyler, so what’d you say; you in?” Damon added with a smile and wiggle of his eyebrows.

 “We all are going to get ready together us girls anyways at Bonnie’s.” Before i could really think about it my mouth already was speaking. “Well Ty had to go out of town to help some werwolf's but I'm free i guess. Wait, i don't have a dress.” “Don’t worry we got you covered, awesome ok so i’ll see you downstairs k?” “Yeah i’ll be down in a minute.” I said as Elena walked away but Damon eyed me suspiciously standing in the doorway. I looked over at him and he gave me a small  smile before walking away.  

It’s been 2 weeks now since our breakup, i kept my mouth shut to everyone although sometimes i felt like my friends knew something was going on. Tyler would show up act all sweet and cute around me when everyone else was around but as soon as we were alone he was like a different person…so much different.. I have this theory that humans well that at least me can only take so much crap before i would lose it. Ive never felt like such nothing before in my life. And after this particular incident and visit i was thrown over the edge.

I was home alone everyone else was out figuring out there never ending problems when Tyler showed up. I told him i couldn't take his harassment anymore and asked him to please leave…he didn't like that idea very much and when i tried to close the door he kicked it off its hinges. Wood from the door went flying i ran, Tyler was really starting to terrify me the more he came back around the more unsafe i felt. I ran up the stairs to my room tears were already blurring my vision. I knew he was right behind me i was just finishing running up the stairs when he grabbed onto me and threw me back down them. He started hitting me not so hard that anything would be broken but hard enough to cause pain. 

What did i do to deserve this? Why did all of a sudden Tyler change into such a monster, why? I cried and screamed for help, for anyone. He then started kicking me. Sounds could barley escape my mouth at this point. I tried to beg Tyler to stop but he just got more enraged and kept going. Was this the end? Was Tyler just going to beat me to death? Was that his plan? “I’ve told you time and time again (y/n) your nothing but a pathetic piece of trash…someday you'll be thanking me for this.” With one last kick to my stomach he left with a woosh. 

I was laying there tears running down my face in a steady flow, barley breathing, gasping for air. Wishing the pain was gone, wishing i was gone, wishing it was all over. Curled in a ball at the bottom of the stairs, hoping by some miracle it would end, or at the very least someone would come home or stop by and help me. I couldn't move. I heard my phone ring that was inside my back jeans pocket but i couldn't get it. I was there unable to move for what felt like hours, i slowly felt myself start to slip to unconsciousness when i heard voices. Great now I'm going crazy. 

The voices got louder and louder but i couldn't open my eyes. still couldn't move, my breathing was very shallow. “What the hell happened here?!?” I heard what sounded like Damon say. “(y/n), omg (y/n)” i heard Elena say. “(y/n), hey stay with us. Here drink this.” I heard Stefan say. i felt his wrist being shoved to my mouth forcing me to drink his blood. To heal me and make the pain go away. I felt myself being taken to my room where Stefan and Elena stayed to watch me while Damon searched for any clues as to what happened. I fell asleep for a few hours i think. When i woke up i felt physically better but mentally i still wanted to die. I felt completely worthless. 

“Hey (y/n) are you ok? What happened?” Elena asked a few seconds past before i said anything. “I’m not sure, someone broke in and next thing i knew i was getting beat. I didn't get a look at who the hell it was though. Have any of you found any clues yet?” “No actually which is bazar. Are you sure you didn't get a look at whoever did this?” Elena asked “No i’m sorry.” i said starting to feel bad that the door got busted. Just then Damon walked in with Klaus and Kai behind him. Oh fuck what was going on? “How are you feeling love?” Klaus asked looking worried.

 I smiled weakly back at them. “Been better but I'm ok now.” i felt a sudden sleepiness come over me and fell back asleep. Maybe Kai did a spell it was so sudden. They all seemed super worried about me. When i woke up i wasn't sure what time it was. “Hey sleepyhead, I'm babysitting you for the day.” i heard Kai say as i sat up in bed, he was standing in the doorway looking at me a small smirk on his face. “Kai you do not have to babysit me, I'm fine.” “Damon told me that if you said you were fine you'd probably be lying, besides everyone else is out looking for whoever it was that hurt you.” “Can i at least take a shower alone first before you follow my every move?”

 He looked me over then speaking up. “Yeah, sure thing just don't hurt yourself.” “ha Malachai why would i do that. I told you i was fine.” I said rolling my eyes at him. Walking to the bathroom and closing the door i started the water and locked the door. Then silent tears started running down my face, i didnt want to be here anymore. I was done with Tylers shit, done with the hate and negativity, done with not being good enough, with not being stronger, just done… I went to my cabinet pulled out Tylenol opened it and dumped a bunch in my hand. I then a couple at a time swallowed them i had about a handful. Next i very carefully took a razor blade out of my razor. There’s no point in sticking around when I'm so worthless and pathetic. It’s too late to turn back now. 

I thought to myself. And with that i stepped into the shower jeans and t-shirt still on, i heard yelling from the hall sounded like Tyler and Kai were yelling at each other. Not Tyler god no and without thinking twice i sliced both my wrist a few times nice and deep. I tried to stay as quiet as possible to keep from them hearing my screams. Hoping they wouldn't notice the smell of my blood right away. It was an extremely agonizing, stinging, burning, intense pain. It felt like fire, i sat there with the water running over me starting to feel weaker and weaker as i let out quiet sobs, sitting on the floor of the shower. The yelling started to fade off into the far distance and before i knew it everything just went blank, was gone. It was finally over…

Kai’s POV: 

Tyler showed up and said he needed to talk to (y/n) right away. I told him she was taking a shower, he got pissed and started to attack me. So i fought back, we had been yelling and fighting each other for a good 10 minutes. Then i could smell blood Tyler stopped for a brief second before launching for me again i threw him across the room dialing Damons number on my phone. I turned it on speaker phone and sat it down grabbing Tyler again i threw him even farther. “What the hell is going on over there?” Damon said in the background. “You guys need to come back right now, Tyler is after (y/n) and i smell blood. (y/n’s) blood.” I kept fighting Tyler hoping they would get here fast to check on (y/n). I was worried and i was pissed. (y/n) had a flower vase sitting on her bedside table i took and broke it getting ready to shove it into his throat. 

Within the next minute or two Damon and Klaus ran into the room followed by Elena and Stefan. Klaus went after Tyler while Damon busted open the bathroom door to find (y/n). The smell of blood was so prominent, so strong. Damon carried her bloody limp wet body out of the bathroom and laid her on her bed. Quickly giving her blood hoping for a miracle. The blood wasn't working, we were too late, they were too late. I lost a friend because of this prick. As soon as Klaus seen (y/n’s) limp dead body he ripped out Tylers heart dropping it onto the floor. Elena and Stefan stood there holding each other crying, Klaus had a single tear running down his face, Damon was beyond pissed, and as for me i should have watched her better, i was livid. She wasn't coming back, she killed herself and it was too late to save her or bring her back…

We had found her diary later confirming that it was Tyler who caused this, we lost a friend today because of him, because of that mutt. (Y/n) will forever be missed….

[writing-in-riverdale]

twin andrews part 7 | jughead x reader

part 6:https://writing-in-riverdale.tumblr.com/post/159528549924/twin-andrews-part-6-jughead-x-reader

warning!: the readers story line is thickening and it can be triggering as mentions of self harm, depression and suicide will be laced within these next few parts so i wanted to let you know so you’re reading at your own risk. im here for additional support if you need it my nugs.

a/n: ive decided to write this along with the episodes so apologies in advance for the timeline partially being messed with!! the next few parts will be longer as im trying to squeeze two episodes into each in order to catch up with the latest episodes!! i hope you enjoy this part as much as i do💜

and a special shout out to @natalieroseg for always sending me a message after i post a new part and constantly showering me with love and admiration for this series. readers like you that always give me feedback are why i love writing so much!! don’t be shy my loves leave me a question or some feedback in my ask box🌈🌈

✖

“i can’t believe dad grounded me” i mumble to my brother as i adjust his tie.

“sorry about that” he apologies looking down to me as I finish up stepping back and taking in my brothers funeral attire, i tried to convince him to wear a suit jacket but he insisted that he wore his letterman jacket

“it’s fine arch, im not mad at you” i turn to face the mirror straightening out my black dress.

today was the day of jason blossoms funeral and the blossoms took it apon themselves to invite the entire town, maybe hoping jasons murderer would reveal them selves by attending.

there was no way i wanted to go, it was being held in the blossoms thorn hill mansion and just the look of that place gives me the creeps and thats not even talking about the people who vacate it

i never wanted to take a step in thorn hill every again after the party and the incident with jason. not that i was alone everyone hated going to thorn hill, it was straight up creepy

but i knew that if i didn’t go then it’d give the blossoms a reason to begin a revenge plot, already dropping murder charges on me, simply because if you don’t show up to one of these events when your invited it’s pretty damn shady.

i slip on my shoes and fix up the final bits of my hair and makeup when the door bell chimes downstairs. my brother moves off my bed and down the steps to answering whomever was at the door

i stand in front of the mirror staring blankly at my reflection barley recognising myself anymore.

“i look like a bloody sack of potatoes" i moan as my brother enters back into my room.

“not from where im standing you don't” i spin around catching myself off guard at the new voice

i come face to face with jughead, in a freaking suit. i have to stop myself from drooling as my knees feel like they’re about to give way. he looked adorable and extremely hot at the same time, if that’s even possible

“i-um where’s arch?” he shrugs “he let me in and then disappeared think he said something about going to the school to grab something”

i nod facing the mirror again watching as jughead she eyes drop checking me out “thanks by the way- even if you are lying it’s still nice of you” i mumble fiddling with the ends of my hair.

“it’s s'okay, i wasn’t lying- you look” he pauses shoving his hands into his pockets slightly revealing the suspenders hiding behind his suit jacket. god you had a weakness for his suspenders.

“you look beautiful” he talks to the ground before looking back up to you a smile playing on his lips.

you walk over to the boy playing with his tie, his hot breathe tickling your neck “you don’t look to bad yourself jones” i tease

he places his hands softly on my waist “it was the best i could do” he confesses pressing his forehead against my own. you sigh and bring your hands up to cup his cheeks.

“it’s more than enough” i lean forward and connect our lips in a soft sweet kiss pulling back and placing a quick peck to his cheek “c'mon let’s go we can’t be late”

we begin our journey over to thorn hill making sure to detach our joint hands as we neared the gates, he sighed at the action looking to me then back to the ground

“i-” he stops,sighing once more. like he’s trying to find the words to explain to me why he did it.

i stop, sliding my hand up his arm pulling him toward me “jug it’s fine okay?” i reassure glancing into his eyes.

“i was just worried. that well, you’ll be upset if i didn’t want to tell anyone about this” he looks down guilty refusing to make eye contact.

“we- we don’t know what this is yet okay? it’s okay i know. let’s just keep it between us?”

relief fills his features “im sorry (y/n)” i shake my head stepping closer to him “jughead jones i promise you im okay, im a big girl” he chuckles softly glancing up into my eyes.

“i know i just don’t want to hurt you” he admits “then don’t” i state simply pressing my lips against his own briefly before walking away from the boy and through the iron gates.

“god i hate this place” i mutter walking toward the enterance where I spot penelope and hermione talking to each other.

i approach the raven haired lady as she pulls away from the blossom woman “lodge” i call out catching her attention as she opens her arms pulling me into a warm embrace.

“hello (y/n) sweetie! and to you to jughead, you both look great” i smile blushing “thank you hermione, we better get inside everyone’s waiting for us” she smiles biding us farewell as the two of us enter the house of horrors

i spot betty and the others sitting toward the back of the room grabbing jughead arms to guide him “hey!” i whisper sitting next to veronica & kevin, leaving jughead to sit next to betty.

“how’d it go last night?” i ask veronica as i give a small smile to the boy next to me searching the room for my red headed brother.

“yeah it was um interesting to say the least” she inhales sharply fixing her necklace before setting herself forward as the crowd settles into their seats the service about to commence

i finally spot my brother moving toward the blossom woman jason’s football jersey in hand, i narrow my eyes as they endure a short conversation before he hands over the article of clothing and sits down directly in front of me

“what was that all about?” i mumble leaning forward and he just shakes his head “ill fill you in later yeah?” you roll your eyes leaning back into your seat as the music begins

“and may the odds be ever in your favour” i mumble

✖

“why didn’t you tell me you were offered captain?” i nag my brother as we slide into our usual lunch spot, jughead giving me a soft smile as i sit down next to him

“look it doesn’t really matter-i want to focus on music and i gave it up to reggie anyways”

“really?! the coach gave extra praise to the kid that calls himself mantle the magnificent, jeez talk about fuelling a mans ego” i push my food around my plate not feeling particularly hungry.

“so are you going to try out for the variety show?” he takes a sip from his water bottle placing it back down “well i kinda blew that”

i furrow my eyebrows as kevin, ronnie & betty join us the blonde sitting down next to me “we need to talk” she turns to me eyes wide.

i tune out of my brother conversation and give my full attention to the blonde “what’s up?” i pop a piece of watermelon in my mouth as she speaks

“y'know how jughead and i went to sleuth after the funeral” i nod continuing with my fruit “we ran into cheryl’s great grandma- super horrifying but anyways polly was engaged to jason”

my eyes almost pop out of my head “what?!” i almost shout, narrowing my eyes at the blonde girl. “that’s insane betty”

“yo sis did you hear that?” i turn from my bestfriend to my red headed twin “huh?” jughead chuckles at my daze and i nudge him with my elbow earning a yelp from the jones boy.

“veronica is going to sing with my at the show, are you going to come?” i nod “yeah, dad wants me to come” a smile beams from his face, excitement evident.

the bell rings signalling the end of lunch causing me to refrain from smashing my head against the lunch table “you okay?” the brunette boy asks me leaning forward in his seat as the others gather their stuff.

i sling my bag on grabbing my lunch tray “yeah, just thinking” i sigh beginning to walk to english with the two sleuths

✖

“did betty tell you she has a date tonight?” jughead teases the blonde as we head outside the school.

“um elizabeth cooper when were you going to tell me this” i exclaim grabbing the girls arm as the brunette laughs at the two of us

“it’s not a date!” she defends “you literally said ‘it’s a date’” the boy retorts a lazy smile hanging from his lips “who’s it with?!” eagerness coursing through me

“just trev, he was friends with jason and i wanted to see if we could get more information that’s all it is- we’re going to pops tonight” she finishes scuffing her feet as we exit the school.

“im working tonight!” i exclaim and she rolls her eyes adjusting her backpack “so i can really see if this is a date” i snicker smiling sinisterly at the blonde girl

“ive gotta go i guess ill see you later” she whines walking away from the two of us “see you later” i call after her turning to jughead a shy smile on his face

“what?” i chuckle bringing my lip between my teeth “nothing” he replies back smug a smile still beaming from his face.

i blush, turning away from the boy “you’re such a dork” he nods to himself

“ive got shift so ill see you later-” i talk fast nervous, my sight darting around the courtyard watching kids exit the school, rushing home

“mind if i walk with you?” i shake my head starting to walk away the brunette hot on my heels reaching for my hand as we hear the diner and grow further and further from school

i smile down at our joined hands feeling my cheeks heat up"

“everything okay?” he teases causing me to blush even more “oh shush” i giggle pushing through the diner door greeted by hermione and pop.

they glance at our joined hands and we spring away from each other, jughead scratching the back of his neck, embarrassment consuming the both of us.

“hey kids” hermione says sweetly a knowing smile on her features

“im going to change” i announce walking away from the three slipping into the ladies room to change into my uniform, reemerging to find jughead in his usual booth with his laptop already up and typing away

i waltz over to hermione tying my apron around my waist “H” i say warily a smirk evident on the lodge women’s face

“so you and that jones boy” my eyes widen shaking my head “you can’t tell anyone especially ronnie” i beg placing my hands on either side of her arm

“and whys that?” her eyes narrowing removing my hands and crossing her arms over her uniform

“it’s complicated” i sigh glancing back at the boy in the booth “we just want to keep it on the down low so please” she nods winking at me “go you have tables to serve”

✖

the night was busy filled with customer after customer including betty and trev, i watched from afar squealing at the interaction of best friend with a cute boy.

i also had my eyes on another cute brunette in pops, as he sipped his chocolate milkshake his long fingers typing away at his laptop concentration clear on his face.

my attentions brought back when trev passes me giving me a smile wave goodbye full well knowing I’d been spying on them all night

i rush over to the booth sliding in next to the blonde “spill” i gush grabbing at the girls shoulder a smile beaming from my face, it’d been a long shift and i needed a good gossip sesh with my favourite girl

“what’s got you all giddy” i smile at the familiar voice as he slides into the seat opposite us.

“betty was about to tell me how her date went” i take a sip out of the blondes milkshake glass “it wasn’t a date!!” she defends.

i roll my eyes as she continues “he said that jason sold a bunch of his stuff weeks before he’s death- he was even selling drugs isn’t that crazy?”

my brows cruise concussion taking over “really-” i was cut off when hermione walks over to our booth “sorry kids but we’re closing up” they nod removing themselves from the booth

“goodnight” betty smiles hugging me before leaving the dinner, jughead hovers the raven haired woman leaving us to go back into the kitchen.

“ive got to stay back and clean jug” i yawn rubbing my eyes, exhaustion seeming to consume me “want me to wait i can walk you home?” i shake my head “ill be awhile- it’s fine”

he nods shoving his hands into his pockets “okay-ill see you tomorrow?” i nod playing with the fabric on the edge of my dress “see you tomorrow juggie”

and with that he bids me goodnight and exists the diner leaving us two girls alone to clean

i switch on the radio pulling on my rubber gloves on as we start to scrub away at the dirty dishes, dancing along to the music.

a noise from the foyer brings our attention back, i turn down the music and pull of my gloves emerging from the kitchen “sorry we’re close” i muse suddenly noticing that the diner was empty.

i move closer to the door noticing it to be unlocked, i turn to see a brown box lying on the floor, puzzled I walk up to it opening the box cautiously to find a snake curled up in the box

i let out a blood curdling scream falling to the floor as i rush myself backwards

hermione rushes out running toward me pulling me into her chest “what’s wrong honey?!” she asks worry filling her soft voice

i point to the box my heart racing beyond compare “there’s a freaking snake” she rushing to her phone dialling a number as she excuses herself into the next room.

the snake starts to crawl out of the box and toward me and i scramble from the floor climbing up onto the counter screaming “hermione!!” i yell causing the raven haired lady to run out

she grabs the box and places it over the snake trapping it from sylethring away

i squirm feeling tears pool in my eyes “you okay?” she rushes to me helping me off the counter top “yeah just a little shaken up” she gives me a hug smoothing down my hair.

“i called your dad, he’s on his way” i nod fishing my phone out of my dress pocket sending a quick text and then pocketing it not waiting for a reply.

the door chimes my dad rushing in to hug me moving toward hermione that look in his eyes, and thats when my stomach turned. he was looking at her the way he used to look at mum.

i scoop up my bag slipping on my denim jacket “where are you going?” she asks standing from the floor her eyes still locked on the box

“i can’t stay in here, im sorry” i blurt turning away and pushing through the exit door making my way toward the only person i knew that could comfort me right now

i find myself pick up my speed as i reach the trailer park practically running up the door slightly banging on it hoping that the boy would still be awake

tears flow from my eyes as the door swing open revealing an older man, “is jughead in?” he steps back scratching his head as he glances down at my pops uniform.

“im sorry miss-” “andrews” i finish for him wiping my cheeks “look miss andrews jugheads in bed-”

“dad what’s wrong?” i move past the man and rush into the trailer flinging myself into the arms of the brunette boy sobs racking my body

his arms tighten around my waist whispering softly into my ear in efforts to calm me “what’s wrong?” i sniffle pulling away slightly from the boy enough to see the worry in his eyes but still tight in his embrace

“god it’s so stupid” i mumble feeling embarrassed “hey tell me, please” he begs moving the hair from my face tucking it gently behind my ear.

“someone delivered a snake in a box and work and dad came-” he’s eyes grow wide looking to the older man behind him as he slips into his bedroom

“are you serious?! are you hurt are you okay” he rushes checking my body for bite marks i move away from him shaking my head as i sit myself down on the dirty couch

i run my hands through my hair “it’s not that- it’s my dad, hermione called him and i-i- I thought it was to comfort me but-” i swallow the lump in my throat

“it was to comfort her- he looked at her the way he used to look at my mum.. i think there’s something going on between them and i just can’t- i don’t know i-” i mumble my words feeling the tears rolling down

jughead sits himself down next to me pulling me into his chest “you just don’t want to see him with anyone else” he whispers stroking my hair soothingly

“im sorry” he murmurs “me too"

✖

the sun blare through my room my eyes finding it hard to adjust to the sudden light, my eyes still puffy from last nights events. i roll over pulling the covers back up to my chin feeling myself drift back to sleep when there’s a knock at my door

i moan a ‘hello’ as the door squeaks up, squinting to reveal my father standing at the door clad in his work uniform

“afternoon sleepy head” i sit up yawning glance at the clock to see the times read 1:30pm i got home late and must’ve slept through my morning alarms.

“i know you had a rough night so i figured you earned a day off- i brought you lunch, i wanted to check up on you” he plops himself down on the edge of my bed handing me over a bag from pops

“thank you” i mumble moving my hair from my face looking down at my covers scared to look my dad in the face “where’d you go last night?”

“the jones’” i mumble and he just nods placing a hand on my shoulder “are you okay?” i nod feeling tears form in my eyes “just a little shaken up but im fine now, promise”

he pulls me forward wrapping me in a small hug before standing from my bed “i canceled your shift for tonight and bought us tickets to the show” i nod “sounds good” he nods back walking toward the door lingering in the hall

“thanks again dad, for lunch” he nods disappearing down the steps and put the front door, returning back to work i assume

i layed back down in my bed popping a few fries in my mouth as i open the lid to my laptop the screen lighting up as a picture of my family pops up; it was taken a few christmas ago when we were all together.

my mother has the biggest smile on her face as she looks up my father, totally in love. my brother and i stand infront of them, archie’s arm slung around my shoulders pulling me into him capturing us mid laugh.

it was a full length photo, you could see vegas jumping up at us her tongue hung from her mouth, her tail swishing in excitement. i didn’t know how much i missed being together until i found myself crying

i clicked into my photo album scrolling through all the old photos before i made the move to chicago with my parents there was a few with the whole gang; even the blossoms.

cheryl and i were clad in our riven vixen uniforms, it was freshmen year and it was our first ever game cheering and jason stood in the middle sporting his bulldogs uniform helmet in his hand as they are slung around the two of us girls

it was my favourite memory of freshman year, we look so innocent so young. free from heartache and loss.

“everything okay?” i jump at the voice slamming my laptop closed looking to see my two fellow river vixens standing at the door

“we let ourselves in, hope you don’t mind. you weren’t at school and we were worried” i shake my head smiling “it’s fine”

relief shows on their faces as the walk over to me sitting themselves down on my bed “god we were worried” “it’s was just a little incident at work and i couldn’t sleep so dad just let me take the day off”

“what happened at work?!” ronnie asks her brows creasing knowing full well that her mother was working shift with me last night “there was a box with a snake in it, left for us in pop’s. your mum seems to think it was a serpents doing”

“and well my dad.. and your mum they seemed weird with each other and it reminded me of my mum” i confess my eyes tearing up

“i don’t think i can handle my dad being with someone else other than my mum- i can’t i don’t even want to think about it”

she swallows her eyes darting around my room as i watch the clogs behind her eyes click “ronnie everything okay?” i place my hand over hers noticing the change in her eyes, guilt.

“i should go-” she grabs her bag leaning over and hugging me before rushing for the door “ill see you tonight right?” i nod watching her rush out of my room not bothering to say bye to the blonde next to me

“is she okay?” i question only to get a shrug in reply “im not too sure, something happened with her and arch-” i nod fiddling with my blanket

“we were worried about you” i give her a half hearted smile “i should’ve message you & v i just over slept and-” i huff guilt creeping up “it wasn’t just me and v”

“oh well yeah kev-” she giggles to herself “and juggie” my eyes widen “really?” she nods a smile growing on her face.

“he’s going to help me look into finding polly, i found where she’s staying and he offered to come with me” i smile trying not to give myself away “that’s sweet” she nods vigorously “isn’t it!”

“he’s on his way over- did you want to come with?” i sigh flopping my head back down on my pillow “i would but im going to the show tonight- i don’t think i could see your sister after the last time i saw her-”

she lets out a long sigh, grabbing hold of my hand and giving it a soft reassuring squeeze.

“its okay” she smiles brightly at me opening my laptop, the photo of myself and the blossom twins appearing on my screen.

she moves herself so she’s sitting next to me resting against my head board bringing my laptop up into her lap. “freshman year right?” i nod “sure was” i mumble in reply

“i love this one” i turn my attention to the screw a photo popping up of the five of us; betty, archie myself and the blossom twins.

we were all in our uniforms smiling from ear to ear

“i like this one better” i reach over and tap the next button to reveal a picture from last year, taken the day before i left for chicago. before i knew that my parents had taken a turn for the worst

we were all in a booth at pops; archie, betty, jughead, kevin and i all rugged up milkshakes and burgers scattered on the table and innocent smiles sketched onto our baby faces

blissfully unaware that in the next coming day their lives were about to get turned upside down.

“i love this one too” betty mumbles quietly a tear slipping from her green eyes “aw betts please don’t cry” i moan clinging to the girl laughing softly as my eyes well up

“god i remember that day like it was yesterday” she sniffles leaning her head against mine “that was the last i ever saw of you”

the air seemed to grow thick, silence growing between us as we stare blankly at the laptop screen

“why didn’t you say goodbye?” she turns to me vulnerability in her eyes. i close mine, the memory flooded back as i tried desperately for it to stop

i cleared my throats trying to respond without falling apart “i couldn’t-” my voice cracks.

“she woke me up at god knows what time and dragged me of bed shoving everything into bags telling me that ‘we need to leave we need to leave right now” i start to cry

“dad and arch woke up from the all the commotion and they start crying archie was hurt lead to believe that i wanted to go and leave them behind”

“i didn’t want to leave them- i didn’t want to leave anyone but i- i- couldn’t i couldn’t stay” i look to the blonde shock on her face.

“my mum said i needed help and i couldn’t get it from riverdale- so i had to go betty. i had no choice”

tears stream down my cheeks as betty looks on guilt dripping from her face. we sit staring at each other, too scared to speak. that was until jughead came bounding through the door

his eyes widen his whole persona changing as he realises what has happened. i spring from my bed excusing myself from the door as i dart into the bathroom locking it before either of them had the chance to follow me

i splash my face trying to calm myself down, scrubbing off yesterday’s makeup. trying to remove the loop of my dad and hermione from my mind

there’s a few knocks at my door but i ignore them, turning the shower on and starting to strip down. i need to get ready for tonight and it was the only way i could stay in here without suspicion from the two vacated my bedroom

i shut the water off, stepping out into the bathroom to dry my body before slipping on a robe and exiting the bathroom and taking the short walk into my bedroom

and just as expected the room was empty, i sit back down on my bed letting out a breathe i didn’t know i was holding.

soft knocks at my door bring my attention back down to earth “come in” i speak softly tightening my robe around my body making sure nothing is showing.

my dad pops his head in dressed up all nice for the show tonight, it was the first time dad would ever hear archie sing so it was a big deal. he’d bought tickets for all his work friends wanting something to boast about since i wasn’t all that interesting

“you almost ready? we’ve got to leave soon” i nod “im about to get ready shouldn’t be to long” he nods biding goodbye and closing my door behind him.

i walk over to my stereo turning up my music as i start to get myself ready for the night

✖

we walked into the school side by side searching the crowd for dad’s work friends, i fish my phone out of my clutch hoping to see a text from jughead but nothing.

i rock on the back of my hells when i spot hermione, the raven haired lady smiles over at us briskly walking toward the two of us. my dads face lights up giving the lodge women a soft smile.

the engage in small talk as i desperately search for a way out of this damn conversation only to be brought back into it with hermione shaking my shoulder

“did your dad tell you the good news” she practically squeals squeezing my arm “nooo” i drag out the ‘o’ feeling a tad out of the loop.

“your dad’s offered me a job! no more scrubbing dirty fry pans and waiting tables for this lady” she gestures to herself earning a laugh from my dad.

she places a hand of his chest the two looking sickly happy “excuse me” i mutter moving as far away as i could hoping to spot any of my friends

i spot val walking along the corridor and i practically tackle her before she walks into the drama room “woho (y/n) what’s wrong?” she exclaims, alarmed.

“have you seen my brother? it’s important” she nods “follow me he’s probably back stage” i walk behind the pussy cat as she leads me into the green room

it doesn’t take me long till i spot my red headed brother siting along guitar in his hands strumming lightly, he looked as white as a ghost

i plop down next to him “arch are you okay?” he looks up at me noticing the nervousness in my eyes. “could ask you the same” he laughs lowly setting down his guitar

“val bailed on me so now im going solo- im so nervous (y/n)” i furrow my brows at my brother “wait i thought you were singing with v?” he sighs

“it’s a long story but anyway she got all upset because she found dad and her mum kissing at work this morning so she got spooked and-” my eyes widen, shock spreading through my body like wildfire.

“um excuse me what now?!” i almost yell, “i thought you knew, ronnie went to the house to check on you i just thought-” i shake my head standing up “you just thought what? that it was just casual conversation arch?! you’re so insensitive”

i yell walking out of the dressing room bumping into ronnie on the way out “woah are you okay?” i scoff “wouldn’t you like to know, thanks by the way for telling me about my dad. you’re a real gem”

i push past the raven haired girl moving out into the foyer spotting my dad as he walks us over to our seats in the auditorium. i almost scream when i noticed we were situated right next to the lodge lady, as we settle in for the performance.

i find myself zoning out all through veronica’s & the pussycats performance that i didn’t even hear them call archie’s name till he was in the middle of the stage

i perk up watching as he starts to sing, out of the corner of my eye i watch as my fathers hand joins with hermione and i feel my eyes well up “i can’t be here” i mumble to my father rushing out of the auditorium

my eyes fill with tears as i rush out into the hall, i scream into my hands looking up to see both betty & jughead soaking wet talking to the sheriff, a serious scowl on his face.

i let out a small cry catching their attention, i smack my hand over my mouth trying to muffle the sounds. they turn the brunette boys eyes filling with worry as he glances to me.

but betty says something to the boy that makes him looking between the two of us before mouthing a ‘im sorry’ and running off down the hall and out into the pouring rain after betty & the sheriff

my heart grows heavy as i watch him out more and more distance between the two of us.

archie’s voice carries through the speakers, he sounded amazing.

i close my eyes briefly before heading out into the storm,rain pelting down on my face as i felt myself being consumed by my thoughts. i fall to my knees letting out a silent sob

i was getting worse, and no one knew.

so i picked myself up and walked right out of the parking lot, down my street, into my house & into my bathroom looking the door behind me hoping that no one would ever find me again

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[dogon779-blog]

See you soon

Today is the day, the day when I finally get my surgery. I been waiting months for this so much pain has been built up I'm ready to be free of pain. Me and my girlfriend Ash talked about this day and thought how good life was gonna be. So May 4th I went in for my surgery, I was ready but I also was terrified but it seems like I wasn't alone as my parents and Ash were crying too. “You guys are such cry baby jezz” Said quietly with a chuckle but without knowing a tear was going down my face. Dam I was trying to keep my tears in, I didn't want them to worry about me. “Says you” My dad jokingly said, I'm just glad I'm not the only jokester. (Wooo) the door opens suddenly and the smell of a hospital floods the room like a storm. “Hey parents and mr and Ms” He laughed but his smile left fast as it came. Things got surios he went on and on about doctor talk, It only made things more scary. *Knock knock* ”Bradleigh are you ready to go?” A nurse asked. My mind went crazy I still had so much to say and so much to do all my emotions came out at once and I didn't know what do you. “Okay say your goodbyes and follow me please, Father you can come too” I followed quietly behind her not knowing where to go, Then she turned into a room *prep room* “Okay if you may just lay down on the bed for me please” she said so openly like this was the best bed in the world!? More doctors came in, I felt overwhelmed and started to panic but got myself in control. “Ok we willl put a mask on you which will make you sleepy” One of the doctors said. “ Take big breaths in and outttt, there you go just like that” “Hey can I get a bucket of chicken after this” The room filled with laughter……. *12 hours later* I was still under in drug indouced sleep I don't know how long I been sleeping but it felt like forever. My eyes creeked open very slower I must have fell back to sleep 20 times. I finally got the strength to move my head to my right and I seen my mother. “Ahinruoebeijsh” I tried to speak but I was still to sleepy to speak clearly. My mom laughed at me then I started to cry not because I wanted to just because I did. It's like a baby being born if they don't cry then something is wrong so it's a good thing I was crying it ment I still felt my back and pain. But of course my mom freaked out and ran and got a nurse, His name was Tyrone. He put medication in my iv to help the pain but before I knew it I was back asleep again. I didn't wake up until tomorrow morning but that's only because they woke me up and aslo I smelled bacon so I was ready to wake up lol. The breakfast cart was coming out and giving out breakfast, I got well my dad got me bacon, eggs and sausage. But little did I know how hard it would be to eat snice my whole Spain is in allot of pain and sensitive. So I got like 25% of one piece of bacon down before I quit. Then before knowing it I was asleep again all the way until 12 tomorrow. Let me just say these medications are very strong and they kick my ass like a kid playing kickball. So another day where I still don't know what's going to happen. But I was awoken by two lovely nurses, Jae and rox. Apptly they want to move me from my bed to a chair but remember I can barley move as is. “Okay bradleigh we are going to lift you up slowly, tell us if it hurts.” I was about to scream before they even moved me just because I was scarred. But secretly they amped up my meds just for this moment, So they started to move and I didn't even feel a thing thankfully. So eventually the nurses got me into the chair. Lucky me there was fooodddd!!!!! So in the end I was happy. But little did I know it would be my last day at that hospital before I got transferred to a rehab hospital. This is when everything went downhill, after eating and getting back into my bed. I finally decided to ask where Ash has went? My mom replied “She left shortly after you went in” I was confused because she said she would spend the whole weekend with me so why isn't she here. So I asked for my phone back and it's my first time using it snice the surgery. *Samsung startup screen* I waited for it to start then boom it's up, I was expecting a message or a missed call but there was nothing. So I was gonna sen*Knock knock* “Coming in bradleigh, Sorry for the interpurten but we moved your transfer from tomorrow to today within two hours” I didn't want to leave or move yet but I couldn't do anything about it. So my mom packed my bags and they took me to the ambulance for transferring. To be honest I was nervous again but I didn't have anyone there to support me. After a long 20min ride that felt like a lifetime we finally arrived to the rehab hospital. The doors on the ambulance opened them soon after my cart start to move. They are moving me to my new room. Where I found out I had a room mate, His name was hybob he was a Indian kid probably 9 years old but I couldn't tell why he was there, no real obvious reasons. Little later we were all set in my new “Room”. I was too tired to do anything, that trip from hospital to hospital had wore me down. So I went to sleep once again not knowing what to expect when I wake up.i slept until 5 in the morning I wanted to flip to my other side but I physically can't sense my Spain. So I lied there for about 2 hours before my dad woke up which then he called the nurse to flip me. But then they also start giving me self indouced medication instead of iv. It's so dam nasty like I wanna throw up it turns my stomach so bad. I couldn't eat because of it. So when I did eat I would eat a salad, Which is healthy but for me I don't need healthy rn. So day by day my stomach was getting worse and I ate less but I tried my best to make sure no one knew. To make everything worse my girlfriend wasn't answer, But to be honest no one was answering not even my best friend. I just needed someone to be there for me, I was struggling my mind was getting to me. I left voicemails waiting for a reply which never came, Until the very next day when my girlfriend finally called back. “Hey baby, Everything okay I haven't heard from you in a while” I said sadly “Oh sorry I didn't notice, I was busy….*in a faint voice which grew louder then boom laughter* (Male voice)” Haha I gotcha now” “Um I got to go bye” she hung up before I got the chance to even say anything. Who was that? I feel like I know that voice, Just shut up don't worry everything well be fine, i thought to myself. It was time for therapy anyways so I had to focus on getting better, We we're working out for about an hour before he let me go back to my room. As I was wheelchairing myself into my room I heard my ringtone, maybe that's my girlfriend calling back but soonly realized it wasn't a call it was a notification from Instagram. Someone sent me a video, I heard of this kid before but never really talked. So I clicked on the video and my heart stopped I couldn't believe what I was seeing. My girlfriend was making out with my best friend…. How could they, I trusted them why me, why now, just why. Its my fault I'm in this hospital, It's my fault I had to get this surgery, All of this is my fault. If I wasn't here then none of this happened but now it's to late *Grabs the iv bag line and wraps it around my neck* No one will get tthe chance to hurt me again *Wraps it tighter and throws myself off the bed making the iv choke me* I don't wanna live to tomorrow I wanna die Fuck tomorrow, I'm dieing tonight, My own life is like my kryptonite, I know this isn't right, but I lost this fight, So fuck today I'm not living tonight. No time to ask if I'm alright so just goodbye and goodnight…. *Beeeeeeeep*”Nurses to b11 we've a 212” The nurses come in and are shocked to there soul, They never ever seen something like this “Check his pulse”......”Hes gone, Wait what are these?” “ They look like cuts, Go check his file and see if he has any mental health issues” *2 mins later* “Been struggling with depression for then yeah*Ringtone blares* It was his girlfriend calling, one of the nurses pick it up “Hello?” The nurse cationly said “Umm is Kenny there? I need to talk to him” she said but Kenny isn't alive anymore, The nurse didn't know how to tell her other then just coming out “Ma'am I don't know how to tell you this but, Kenny took his own life today” The nurse mumbled. It was complete slience “Hey baby hurry up the movie is starting” Came from the background of her phone “um I will call back later” she said. The nurse yelled “Fucking hell because of you he's dead, All he needed was a friend but instead of being there for him you decided to cheat on him with his best friend” Then the nurse hung up but then suddenly “Kenny I'm here” a girl named McKenzie showed up holding flowers with such a beautiful smile which disappeared and quickly was joined with tears flowing down her face. She ran towards Kenny until one of the nurses grabbed her “KENNY NO PLEASE NO” McKenzie screamed. She was escorted out the room and taken to the waiting room. Little did Kenny know McKenzie saved up money to buy flowers and a taxi ride to get all the way there to spend a whole week with him. Now it's to late for that, He's gone forever now. *A week later at Kenny's funeral* “Kenny was a light hearted funny person, He never wanted to hurt anyone but only to help. So to see someone go through so much pain just to make other people happy, Makes me proud of him but also sad that no one wanted to make him happy. Today I wish he was here just to here his corny jokes, Knowing him he would have climbed into the casket and said “Well it's nap time see you tomorrow” *Laughter* But today is yesterdays tomorrow and he isn't here. So let's not forget him ever because he never got a tomorrow.” Kenny's dad said. “Hey Kenny's dad” McKenzie said “ Oh hey what a nice surprise, McKenzie right?” “Yeah but how did you know?” “Well Kenny talked about you and always told us stories about yall. He was grateful to call you his friend” “Aww I didn't know that, But should've knew he always liked talking”.... *Funeral ended* McKenzie stayed behind to say her final goodbyes at his grave, She talked and talked about there life and what they've done. But it ended in tears. “ Well the sun is going down so I should go home, See you soon kenny” McKenzie said. Later that week her mom went into McKenzie room but couldn't find her but noticed a letter to Kenny on her desk. Which read out “Dear Kenny I can't believe your gone, I wake everyday excepting your good morning text with a light but generous conversation. I go to school and walk the halls waiting to see your face or hear your voice but all I get is a emptiness slience. Everywhere I go and everything I do, I think about you and think how we used to do stuff. It's really hard to see everyone act like life is normal and nothing happen, But to me life will never be normal again. I still have so much to say to you but I won't get the chance too. So I will put everything in this letter.. Kenny you showed me so many beautiful things in life and gave me unforgettable memories which I will hold close forever. I always had a crush on you but you were dating Ash so i just kept it in. All I wanted is for you to be happy and if it meant letting you date Ash then let it be. So I tried my best everyday to make you smile because little to be known you had such a amazing smile which complemented your blue eyes.. God your eyes there were so filled with love and life I never get tired of them. Damnit Kenny I loved you and always wanted to tell you but I was sacred now I regret not telling you. Now I have to live with knowing I won't ever get the chance to… You were the best thing in life I had and it got taken away, I really miss you Kenny and I'll see you soon I promise” ~Mckenzie Her mom was crying by the end of the letter but wondered where she was *Woolsh* a cold breeze flew by her neck. She looked behind her and seen a open window, Her heart sunk. It took everything to walk to the window and look down to see her precious daughter laying completely face first 27 floors down on the road. McKenzie took her life at age 16…. The end