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marksmelodies · 1 year ago

Text

stuck like glue

“tangled in love stuck by you from the glue”- glue song by beabadoobee

paring: chenle x fem! reader

genre: smut,fluff

warnings: mention of sex, oral (f), unprotected sex, cussing, kissing

note: i know chenle lives on his own but for the sake of this story pls pretend that he lives in the dreamies dorms lol

no proof read

minors dni

———————————————————————————————Chenle has been away on tour for a little over a month. Tomorrow him and the dreamies will arrive back to korea, you’ve never been more excited to finally see your boyfriend again,You already took off a few days of work and told your professors that you won’t be in class for a few days.Of course Chenle didn’t seem supper happy about you calling off of work and missing school just to see him But deep down he was excited to finally get some alone time with you

“I cant wait to see you lele, Daegal and i miss you so much” you say to your boyfriend over facetime

“ I miss my girls too, thanks again for taking care of her while i was away” Chenle says

“ It’s not a problem babe i mean i’m basically her mom am i not??” you ask

“ What?? no Daegal has no mom only a dad” he says

“ Oh right Chenle that’s why she wines and claws at the door when i leave the dorms”

“ You’re such smart ass Y/n”

“I really do miss you though babe,ask Jisung I talked his ear off every night about you, actually don’t ask jisung or any of the members anything.. forget what i said” He starts rambling and you notice that his ears are turning bright red

“And why’s that lele?” you ask with a smirk on your face

“ Uhh i may or may not have drank a bit to much one night after our show and accidentally spilled to jisung, mark and renjun about how good you are in bed” he says extremely embarrassed

Your eyes go wide as you audibly gasp

“ You did not” you say rather loudly

“ I’m sorry babe i was drunk i doubt they even remember it, i only remember so much i don’t know what else i said” he tries to defend himself, You start laughing uncontrollably

“ That’s actually hilarious, i never see you that drunk” you say making fun of him “You’re such a brat” he laughs

Once your FaceTime call ends with Chenle you tidy up your apartment that you both agreed he would stay at for a few days once he gets home from tour. You get ready to head to bed and say goodnight to daegal

“ Your daddy is gonna be here tomorrow!!” you say in a high pitched voice causing Daegals head to slightly turn, ears to purk up and tail to wag “ I know i’m excited too” you say as you pet her head and turn off the light ,It feels like hours have passed since you closed your eyes, it’s hard to sleep because of the excitement running through your veins,Finally you feel yourself drifting off to sleep

You shoot up and look at the clock that reads 2:45 am you woke to up the feeling of sweat dripping down your face, you realize that your whole body is drenched in sweat “ What the hell” you say in utter confusion as you get up to check the thermostat “ Why isn’t my air conditioner working” you say pressing buttons on the screen

You walk out into the hallway to check if air is flowing through the hall,Sure enough the hallway is cold yet your apartment is sweltering hot “ You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me” you say as you walk back into your place

Turning on every fan you can find and placing them towards you and Daegal it finally felt a little bit better but not nearly enough to spend anymore time other than tonight in your apartment , Once the morning came you called the tenant about the air conditioner “ What three to five days just to get someone to check it out?” you say baffled

“ Sorry ma’am our technicians are booked out for a while” the man says on the other side of the phone

“ Alright well thanks anyways” you say as you hang up “god this is not how i wanted my week to start” You called your boyfriend to tell him about the air, Chenle talked to the members and they all agreed that you could spend a few days at the dorm until your air conditioning gets up and running. you’ve spent the night a few times at the dorm but never more than just one night at a time, you felt bad intruding on the other boys place but living without air conditioning during the hottest season in korea was a big no for you

Once you got the text that Chenle has landed and is on his way to the dorms you begin to make your way there as well. Standing at the entrance a wave of nervousness comes over you as you knock on the door “ Y/n come in” Jeno says while giving you a big smile “ Hi Jeno it’s good to see you” you say

“ It’s good to see you too, Chenle is in his room” he says You thank him and head towards your boyfriends room knocking on Chenles door before opening it. Daegal jumps out of your arms running to her dad “ Daegal my sweet girl i’ve missed you” he says bending down to pet her “Uhmm” you clear your throat standing at the doorway as Daegal runs out of the room to see the other members

“ I told you she loves me more” chenle says laughing

“ Really lele i haven’t seen you in over a month and this is how you greet me” you scoff in annoyance

“ Babe i’m kidding come here” he says as he walks towards you engulfing you into a big hug

“ I missed my baby girl” he says to you while kissing the top of your head.You lay on his bed and let him get settled and unpacked before demanding his undivided attention,You lay on Chenle chest while you both talk for what seems like hours about his tour,He tells you everything from start to finish, and you excitedly listen to him.When you both are done talking he decides you two should go out and hang with the rest of the guys

Chenle walks to the door about to leave the room when he realizes that you aren’t behind him “ Come on babe let’s go” he says waving you over to walk towards the door

You don’t say anything

Chenle walks back over to you and you throw your arms up in the air.Chenle makes a confused face.He knows that what you want is to be held; He also knows that you absolutely hate pda and would rather die than to show affection in front of the other boys so why would you want him to carry you out there?

Chenle shoves his confusion into the back of his mind and picks you up ,He wasn’t expecting you to want to be carried but what shocked him the most is that you clinged onto him like a koala, he took both arms off of you to open the door and you’d stayed clinging to him with your arms and legs wrapped tightly around your boyfriend ,You laid your head on his shoulder as he walked to the living room where the rest of the dreamies were hanging out

The boys all look at Chenle as he walks into the room, never in the three years you and Chenle have been together have they seen any type of affection being given between you two,There’s been times where haechan jokingly asked if you and Chenle were really dating because of the lack of a skinship “ you guys don’t even hug around us, that’s suspicious is it not”

The guys say a lot with there faces but no one voices anything out loud, Chenle shot a “i don’t know what’s going on” look at them and sat down on the couch with you still wrapped around him.The dreamies decide to play video games and of course Chenle was down to beat them all, through the entire gaming session you stayed wrapped around him not saying a word. Although Chenle didn’t seem like it he was honestly pretty worried about you, you never act like this in front of people

Of course behind closed doors you were affectionate towards him, but even then you were never this clingy

“ Babe i want to get something to drink” he whispered into your ear,No response came from you, you just looked at him and put you head back onto his shoulder.He got up and walked to the kitchen with you wrapped around him, opening the cabinets and the fridge he poured himself a cup of water, while you stayed clung to him completely unbothered. He goes back to gaming with the boys taking his mind off worrying about you

Later in the evening Jaemin starts making dinner, usually chenle and Jaemin cook dinner for everyone,Chenle looks over at Jaemin who’s in the kitchen and gives him a “ i’m sorry bro” kinda look followed by Chenle looking down at you and then back to Jaemin,Jaemin didn’t mind though he grabbed Jeno to help him make dinner

“ Hey babe you wanna let go for a second so i can use bathroom ” he asks, you just shake your head no, with that chenle sighs and takes you with him,He puts you on the bathroom counter and you finally unlatch from him “ everything okay baby?”You say nothing, just give him a quick nod as he comes back over to the sink to wash his hands and you latch right back onto him.Chenle really thought he finally got you off of him, he just looked at you confused again and kissed your forehead while walking back to the living room

He ate dinner with you wrapped around him, he asked if you were hungry, you shook your head no,At this point chenle gave up just letting it happen, everyones so confused by what’s going on, especially since you hadn’t said a word since you came out of Chenles room hours ago

After dinner Chenle did the dishes with you wrapped about him, he fed Daegal with you wrapped around (him which was pretty challenging he’ll admit) he played more games with you clung to his body. The guys suggested watching a movie and started scrolling through netflix debating on which one to choose

“ You wanna watch the movie with them or go back into my room” Chenle asks hoping for an answer.You just shrug your shoulders while your head is buried into the crook of his neck.Chenle has honestly had enough, he doesn’t know what’s going on, are you just tired? are you mad at him? are you upset? you were perfectly fine hours ago what happened??He gets up off the couch and brings you into his room sitting on the bed

“ Baby look at me” he says in a serious tone,You lift you head up off of his shoulders and look up at him

“ What’s wrong sweetheart” he asks

“ Nothing” you say shortly.Chenle is visibly getting annoyed by your short answers you’ve been giving him for hours

“ Y/n you’re pissing me off i don’t want to yell okay” he says “ what is wrong my love, saying “nothing” isn’t going to cut it”

“ I just missed you lele” you said

“ Are you sure that’s all baby”

You nod “ yes i promise i just want to be close to you” Chenle looks at you and smirks

“ I can think of a few ways we can get a lot closer than you just clinging to me” he says smirking.You laugh and push him away, he pulls you back and smashes his lips onto yours,Tongues battling for dominance you quickly lose,he flips you around so that he’s now towering over you

“ You’re so pretty lele”

“ Says you angel, god i missed everything about you” Chenle whispers in your ear,lips attached his hands roam your body unbuttoning your shirt and taking off your shorts, laying there in nothing but your undergarments Chenle pulls away from your lips to look at you “ god you’re so beautiful” he says taking off your bra chenle kisses down you body leaving a trail of marks.He gets to your heat and looks to you for approval, you nod your head yes and he begins to take off your panties, spreading your legs apart and leaves kisses on your heat before kitty licking your pussy,you instantly throw you head back into the pillow and grab Chenles hair while arching your back Chenle takes that as a sign to go farther and fully dive into your cunt, trying your best to hold in your moans knowing that right outside the door were the other members

“Fuck Chenle that feels so good” you moan softly as you tug on his hair a little harder his eyes look up to yours giving you an eye smile while hes still working to get to you finish while licking stripes up and down your pussy Chenle pushes a finger into your hole roughly going in and out

Feeling a tingly rush throughout your entire body you knew you were about to finish

“ Babe i’m about to cum” Chenle removes his finger and licks up and down your clit causing you to release,Chenle keeps one hand rubbing circles on your clit while the other hand covers your mouth, you let out a loud moan covered by chenles hand, he knew better than to leave you completely ungaged, he knows you’re a loud moaner, he could tell it was taking everything in you not to let out the normal pornagraphic moans that you usually do. After he lets go of your mouth he goes back into your pussy to ride out the rest of your high leaving both of you panting, Chenle pulls you into a kiss having you taste yourself

“Chenle please fuck me” you beg

“ Babe the guys are right outside”

“ I’ll behave i promise”

Chenle looks at you suspicious not sure whether believe you or not, you begin stroking his hard member through his grey shorts, Chenle let’s out a grunt and pins your arms beside your head

“ Don’t be greedy ” he warns while pulling his pants off and throwing them across the room with his shirt that was already long gone, he pulls down his boxers revealing his hard length, you basically drool over his dick which causes Chenle to chuckle,He pulls your hips closer as you wrap your legs around his torso, he slowly pushes in, Chenle lets out a grunt as his dick slides into the tight walls of your pussy

“ Fuck y/n you’re so tight” he says while progressively moving in and out faster “god you’re so wet too” he says right before pounding back into you

He has one hand on your waist and other covering your mouth like before,You shut your eyes feeling your body going into a different dimension

“ look at me, I wanna see my pretty girl” you look at him and make eye contact while he’s fucking you so good,you can tell he’s about to nut by the way his thrusts become sloppy and he moves faster and faster while soft moans and grunts fill the room hoping the members can’t hear what you two are doing

“ Fuck baby i’m coming” he says as he slows down his pace, you feel hot liquid shoot into your core as he fills you

He lays down on top of you but doesn’t pull out yet

“ That was amazing Chenle”

“ You felt so good my love, you did so well for me” he said as he kissed your lips and pulled out of you,you both lay there for a little bit just soaking in the presents of eachother before he gets up and puts his clothes back on heading to the bathroom, he comes back with a warm towel cleaning you up and making sure you’re okay.After not having sex for a while you were pretty sore but it was nothing major and you didn’t want to make chenle feel bad so you just smile and thank him for cleaning you up .Once you both freshen up you go join the boys in the other room to finish the ending of the movie that neither of you were there for

As he was watching the screen you were watching him, admiring how beautiful he is and how lucky you are to be with such a good guy, you thought about how many girls would kill to be in your position and a sense of pride washed over you, you were proud to be his girl.

“ Y/N is everything okay” renjun asking about earlier,all the boys look at you and Chenle

“ Yeah i’m fine thanks” you reply smiling

“ She just wanted dick” Chenle blurts out

“ What the fuck lele” your face begins to heat up as you shove Chenle

“ Yeah we have ears ” Haechan smirks at you both

“ I don’t know what your talking about” you defend yourself

“ Right because the headboard slamming into the wall which happened to the this wall” pointing at the one in front of them with the tv on it “ was from you both jumping on the bed” Haechan says sarcastically,You burry your head from embarrassment into Chenles shoulder while the boys are laughing

“ I mean you guys did make the tv shake” Mark chimes in

“Shut up your all just jealous you don’t get any” Chenle states

“ At least we know they’re a real couple, i was starting to think it was fake” Haechan laughs

—————————————————————————

my first fic! i hope you enjoyed!! my requests are open for all of nct!!

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depressedbagpipe · 2 years ago

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Ka-Chaow (Charles Leclerc x female!reader)

Chapter two

Words: 3902 Warnings: google-translated italian, more mentions of alcohol, poor writing, me not knowing how the ferrari factory works A/N: alright so this has been long overdue so i apologize for that. also, i haven't been to maranello so everything i mention is basically from google maps. everything about the publishing industry i got from a random blog so just to be safe, don't trust anything i say about it ♥️ A/N (II): italics are phone calls, bold and italics are messages, just bold is the location, and (parenthesis) the translation for the Italian ;) Taglist: @heavengirls111, @roseamongthorns13, @mishaandthebrits, @charlesswife, @silscintilla

Series Masterlist Previous chapter <> Next chapter

Chapter two

Maranello, December 2nd, 2022

‘Wait, wait, wait, so then you’re attending the races?’

‘Yep.’

‘And you’re getting double passes if you ask for them?’

‘Affirmative.’

‘And you know you’re my favorite daughter?’

‘I’m your only daughter.’

‘Still.’

‘I’ll take you to Monaco.’

‘Dio, ti amo.’ (God, I love you)

‘Of course, you do,’ I giggled at my dad.

‘And how’s the trip so far?’

‘It’s… fine, I guess,’ I cringed, looking out the window.

The only sight I could catch from my balcony was the Ferrari factory in the distance, and the hotel’s parking lot on the other side. The views I had caught from the car ride from Bologna’s airport had been beautiful, but we hadn’t had any time to stop to look around.

‘Just fine?’ my dad wondered.

‘It’s not a holiday, papà, I’m technically working,’ I said with a sigh.

I walked back and dropped on my bed, staring at the fancy ceiling of my hotel room. Although the flight to Bologna had been short, the lunch with Maurizio Arrivabene had been exhausting. Too many bottles of wine and too little discussion about the job, besides the promise of all the paddock access we wanted, as well as the finest wine bottles per Mr. Williamson’s request.

‘Still, you’re going to the track tomorrow, right?’ my dad asked again.

I moved my phone to my other ear, gently rubbing the sore nub after almost an hour of my dad’s nonstop gushing.

‘Yeah.’

‘What time?’

‘We get there at 11 am, I think. I don’t know if the tour will be before or after the meeting with the execs, though,’ I bit my lip, checking the time on my wristwatch.

‘Mio dio, everything is so early here compared to home,’ my dad groaned, and I couldn’t help but laugh at his antics. (My God)

‘Well, not my fault you moved to London for love,’ I answered back.

‘Now you have to move to Italy in return so that we can complete the circle.’

‘Dad!’ I laughed loudly, despite my hand covering my mouth. It was a bit early in the evening, but I knew several guests at the hotel would not appreciate my yelling. ‘Alright, I’ll take you up on that.’

‘You better, chicken pie.’

‘Anyways, I think I’m gonna go. I’m actually exhausted.’

‘Too many emotions today?’

‘Yeah, and I gotta be up early for tomorrow.’

‘Wasn’t the meeting at 11 am?’

I frowned. ‘Yeah. But I still need to finish editing a couple of manuscripts. Do you happen to know anything about the types and uses of the cross symbol in Ethiopian religion?’

My dad took a couple of seconds to answer. ‘... No?’

‘Yeah, me either. Gotta learn a bunch of stuff for tomorrow.’

‘Well, call me when you know something.’

‘Will do,’ I laughed softly. ‘Buona notte, papà. Ti amo.’ (Goodnight, Dad, I love you.)

‘Ti amo di più, Principessa,’ with that, our conversation ended. (I love you more, princess.)

I stayed sprawled on my bed after throwing my phone on the comforter, closing my eyes for a few seconds. I knew I still had to unpack some clothes for tomorrow, recharge my laptop and work on the manuscripts, order dinner, make sure Mr. Williamson got the entire schedule right for the rest of the trip, eat dinner, and get a decent amount of sleep for the following day’s events. Despite my nerves, exhaustion was getting the best of me, and as soon as I felt myself drifting off, I willed my eyelids to open and my legs to move, standing up with a groan at my tired muscles.

A couple of hours later I was already in bed, my fingers expertly typing away while my eyes begged me to finally close them and sleep. My laptop felt hot on my legs even over the sheets, but I couldn’t stop. Deadlines were approaching, and even though I willingly signed up for the trip, I still found the huge workload that still needed to be done frankly overwhelming, especially since I was working double during Mr. Williamson’s secret and unauthorized gap year. With a sigh, I kept typing until my eyes closed on their own accord.

I didn’t even know at what time I fell asleep. It only felt like a few minutes until my phone was blasting the alarm as loud as possible. I carelessly reached for it with my eyes closed, hoping my fingers would find it early enough to turn the horrible sound off, but I only managed to slightly push the laptop away. Opening my eyes in a panic, I sighed in relief when I found no crack on the screen, the object still on my bed and not broken on the floor, but the alarm kept going, and not only that, but the hotel phone on my bedside table was also now ringing loudly.

Despite feeling like crying at that very moment, for not only was I not a morning person, but the extreme trauma of waking up mixed with the incessant noise coming from both sides of my bed was enough to almost send me into cardiac arrest. Grabbing my phone and quickly pressing the orange alert, I answered the call.

‘Hello?’ I asked, a yawn escaping my lips as I waited for the answer.

‘Good morning, Miss, this is Francesco speaking, from the front desk. Yesterday you asked us to please wake you up at 7 am,’ the worker spoke in perfect English.

I frowned, not remembering at all having done that, but then again, I didn’t remember most of the evening once I tried to recall how I fell asleep.

‘Oh, grazie, Francesco,’ I replied with another yawn. (Thank you.)

‘Would you like to have your complimentary breakfast sent to your room?’

I paused, enjoying the sound of that. ‘Sure, why not. What were the options, then?’

And that’s how I found myself having breakfast on the balcony, overlooking the blue horizon thanks to the lack of tall buildings around the hotel. I certainly missed the sky back in my London apartment, and it almost felt weird to have the sun shining so brightly on me so late in the year, but nonetheless, it brought some color to my cheeks as I feasted on the delicious biscuits I was offered. I allowed myself to calm down and enjoy the food, forgetting about my job and the likely still sleeping Mr. Williamson on the other side of the wall. As I waited for the breakfast to be brought, I had already taken a shower and gotten ready for the day and was simply enjoying the rather quiet life that the hotel’s location could offer. I did miss the people and the nightlife, but I already got a lot of it in London.

Taking slow sips of my coffee, I finally got my phone out. I took a couple of pictures to send my mom, knowing she would be calling me in no time to check up on me and make sure I hadn’t caught a bug while I slept. Switching to Instagram, Alec’s face was the first thing that showed up. He had posted a video singing a new song, but I couldn’t will myself to listen to it just yet. His music was what brought us together in the first place, and for weeks I hadn’t been able to listen to his voice again. It was just too painful.

‘Did you listen to his new song?’ I quickly texted Angela.

‘You won’t like it, though,’ she quickly responded.

I bit my lip. ‘Is it about me?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Is it bad?’ my fingers trembled slightly as I typed, suddenly feeling nervous.

‘I mean, it’s not good.’

‘You’re so helpful,’ I groaned, shivering slightly all of a sudden.

A cloud had passed directly over the sun, taking the warmth with it. I stood up and walked back inside.

‘Text me when you listen to it. But wait until you’re back in London.’

‘Why?’

‘Don’t let it ruin your trip.’

‘Alright,’ I sighed and ended the conversation.

I shook my arms slightly, trying to find some physical way to let go of those thoughts, and swiftly got my laptop and sat down on the small desk by the window, and typed away my anxiety.

I wasn’t a big fan of editing manuscripts, especially those about subjects I completely abhorred, but in the grand scheme of things, it somehow helped to leave my mind completely blank, making the time pass by even faster.

Before I knew it, it was 9:45 am. Another alarm went off, and with a final sigh, I saved my progress, put on some shoes, and left my room, only to go to the next door and promptly open the door with Mr. Williamson’s extra card.

The sight did not surprise me in the slightest. He was still fast asleep on his bed, with the covers half-dangling from the sides and the mini bar half-empty. The room was completely dark save for the light coming from the open door.

I had to take a big deep breath before closing the door behind me and walking decisively towards the blinds, opening them wide, as well as his own balcony’s door, not even caring that the cold and wind could potentially make him sick. I was beyond the point of caring about his health when he clearly didn’t care about his.

‘Rise and shine, Stephen,’ I clapped loudly.

Mr. Williamson woke up with a start, groaning loudly.

‘It’s too early,’ he mumbled, flipping on the bed and pulling the covers over his head.

‘Hell, no,’ I said, grabbing the sheets and pulling them off from his body completely. ‘You’ve got an hour before the car arrives, so chop chop!’ I said as I opened his suitcase and started taking his belongings out, looking for some decent clothes.

The night before coming to Italy, I had forced him to send me a picture of his luggage, knowing that, if it were up to him, he would show up in Crocs and Bermudas. It wouldn’t be the first time we’ve had a meeting with him dressed like that.

Thankfully, Mr. Williamson listened to me and sat down in bed, still half-asleep, but at least I could work with that. I threw him his toilet bag.

‘Take a shower, God, you stink,’ I complained, grabbing him from one of his arms and pulling him up.

I slightly pushed him in the direction of the bathroom, and he followed without another word.

‘If you don’t come out in ten minutes, I’m getting in. And I’ll bring my phone!’ I warned him, hoping the warning would be enough for me not to see him naked.

‘Jesus, you sound like my wife,’ he mumbled just before closing the door behind him.

I looked around his room, and opted for taking the remaining alcohol from the mini bar with me, just to be safe. Even though the bottles were tiny, I didn’t trust my boss to somehow get wasted. I wasn’t about to risk my job and my career, especially in a foreign country. Out of habit, I checked my emails again, hoping to see Rosanna’s name somewhere with a publishing vacancy, but as usual, no new emails had been sent since that morning.

My feet moved by themselves across Mr. Williamson’s room, putting his clothes on the bed, and even going as far as to call some room service for him. I was hoping the sleep and the shower would sober him up because I was anxious as hell about the meeting.

Not only was I a huge sports car fan, but the fact that we had been invited by Piero Ferrari himself to visit the factory, which I could now see from my room, and talk to all those developers who worked there with the same passion my father and I had, was completely mind-blowing. And I didn’t want anything to screw it up.

—

‘So that’s our proposal. Ink’n’Paper and Scuderia Ferrari, together, writing about the history and fame of our car. And we want you, Stephen, to write it,’ Benedetto Vigna finished his speech with a looming voice, staring directly at my boss with a light smirk.

Ferrari’s own CEO had welcomed us into the factory, walking us through the many impressive facilities, and showing us every detail of the place. To say I was awestruck would be an understatement. The museum was absolutely incredible, and the curators had even allowed me to take dozens of videos to send to my dad, which I knew was probably screaming and crying at the sight of them.

The meeting had started an hour later under the pretext of getting down to business as soon as possible and with the promise of trying the Driving Simulator after lunch.

‘Well, certainly, I can’t say that I didn’t see this coming,’ Mr. Williamson replied, taking his glasses off. ‘And how were you thinking about doing this, Benedetto?’

‘We had a couple of ideas in mind, but I think it’ll be easier right now if you stay in Monaco with the team.’

‘Monaco?’ I blurted. ‘Sorry,’ I apologized in embarrassment, but thankfully Mr. Vigna didn’t seem to care.

‘It’s alright. No, we’re opening a new office in Monaco for the new season, and given that it’s certainly closer to Maranello than London, we think that the writing would be faster.’

‘What deadlines are we talking about here, then?’ Mr. Williamson asked.

Not an ounce of alcohol was in his system, at least that I knew of, and he was magically back to being the professional editor I had known him to be what felt like an eternity ago.

Mr. Vigna looked at his colleagues, all of them nodding amongst themselves. ‘Hopefully, we could have it by the winter break. You know, from a marketing point of view, every Ferrari fan out there would be definitely getting it for Christmas.’

Mr. Williamson took a sip of his espresso, carefully considering his options. Then, he looked at me. ‘What do you think?’

I widened my eyes. ‘Me?’

He nodded. ‘Yeah, you. You also work here, I want to know what you think.’

Any thought left my mind as soon as he said those words. Despite being used to taking over his meetings due to his many inebriated states, I was feeling rather intimidated by the situation. And, unlike Mr. Williamson, I had never published anything before.

‘Well, uh, technically December is a bit of a dead zone in the publishing industry.’

I spoke with a low voice, feeling anxious about debunking Mr. Vigna’s theory.

‘Is that so?’ he asked, but his tone was more curious than annoyed.

That only encouraged me further. ‘Yeah. It’s usually September when we get all the workload. December kinds of get those less-interesting manuscripts from the bottom of the submissions box, and many workers just leave on vacation. We usually just… publish more volumes of the already best-selling ones, because those are the ones that get sold. The marketing would have to be insane if we want this book to make figures on Christmas.’

My comment was met with utter silence. I stared at all the people in the room, silently hoping for someone to talk because the embarrassment was already too high.

Mr. Williamson gratefully came to my aid, as weird as it sounded.

‘She’s right,’ he said, taking one final sip. ‘Either we push the deadline forward to September, or we spend a couple of millions on the marketing.’

Mr. Vigna seemed to consider our words after that. ‘Right, I certainly didn’t know that. Won’t September be too much of a short time for you?’ he looked back at Mr. Williamson, who quickly shook his head.

‘I don’t see why it’d be a problem. As long as we start as early as possible and are provided with all the materials we need…’ he looked up in deep thought.

‘And what do you need?’ one of the women at the other end of the desk spoke, pen already in hand, waiting to write anything down.

‘Certainly, we need access to any source of information about Ferrari. Whether is it the cars, the history, even the drivers, literally anything with the word “Ferrari” in it,’ he spoke. ‘Now, I got a tight schedule when writing biographies, and I need at least two months just to do the research. After that, the writing comes smoothly.’

‘Don’t forget the editing…’ I whispered loud enough for him to hear.

He waved me off. ‘It will take some time, though. You know I’m not that much of a Formula 1 enthusiast. I much rather prefer cricket,’ he said, standing up from his chair and buttoning his shirt.

With his clean suit and combed hair, he looked unrecognizable from the man I had found in his bed that morning. He looked put-together for the first time in months, and it brought me back to the first meetings of my internship, where everything he did was graceful and calculated. I felt oddly safe for the first time in months, knowing that, no matter how the meeting went, I had Mr. Williamson to guide us through the rubble and exit the building with an even straighter back and untouched dignity. I so wished every day at work felt the same.

‘But my assistant over here is, in fact, a remarkable connoisseur of the sport. What did you call it? Tifosi?’ he quickly looked at me, looking for confirmation. ‘She’s half Italian, in fact. I might have to delegate some of the work to her.’

I widened my eyes even more, his words leaving a huge pit in my stomach. My head felt suddenly numb, and my pulse increased as I recited his intentions.

‘In that case, Stephen, if you trust her to do the job, so do we. Obviously, if she agrees.’

I felt more eyes on me, and I gulped. I nodded slowly. ‘Yeah, I do.’

Benedetto Vigna smiled and brought his palms together. ‘Great! I’m sure you’ll be fine in Monaco,’ he stood up from his chair, signaling everybody to do the same.

Mr. Williamson offered me his arm, given I was still in shock at Mr. Vigna’s words. Everybody started filing out.

‘Wait, what?’ I asked no one in particular.

‘I guess you’re going to Monaco,’ Mr. Williamson said as he lightly pushed me out of the room, pretty much in the same way I had done that morning to get him in the shower.

‘But… what about work?’

He frowned at me. ‘This is work.’

I didn’t have time to reply, for Mr. Vigna’s loud voice reverberated around the hall.

‘Now, I believed I promised you lunch and a Fiorano tour. Oh, and the Driving Simulator, too.’

—

Despite being a huge Formula 1 fan, I had never been to a race track. The only person I really wanted to attend a race with was my dad, and he was always a bit too busy, and the tickets were always a bit too expensive. Not coming from a large income family had definitely shut a few dreams down, hence why I had immediately started crying at the sight of the Fiorano track, where Ferrari tested their cars. Even though it was empty, the sheer sight of the huge lane was enough to bring tears to my eyes. Thankfully, the sun was shining down on us, and my eyes were hidden by my sunglasses, but I knew my face would soon become a bit too red for other people to notice.

Lunch had been fine, yet I was still thinking about Mr. Vigna’s words. Not only was I part of the project, but I had also been tasked with recollecting all information about the red Scuderia and its cars and history, all of it while I lived by myself in Monaco. I was dreading the conversation with my parents, knowing my mom would definitely not approve, as well as the high chances of me getting homesick as soon as I arrived at the small principality.

But then again, maybe getting some time away from my life in London would do me good. Away from work, and Mr. Williamson, and Alec. I didn’t want to be the type of person that fled the country when they broke up with their partner, but I also knew that distance was my biggest ally at the time. I wasn’t completely sure how Mr. Williamson was gonna manage on his own while I lived elsewhere, but the thought of a quiet life for a few months in the quaint country was becoming more appealing by the second.

I completely tuned out Mr. Vigna’s speech about the dimensions and characteristics of the track (not that I needed them, my father had made sure from a young age that I knew my blood was Ferrari red and Tifosi my middle name, although it certainly never was and it got us a very weird meeting with my elementary school headmaster after having written Tifosi as my middle name on several exams). If I had been paying more attention, I certainly would’ve noticed two familiar figures dressed in red polos walking toward us.

‘Charles! Carlos! Che bello che sei venuto!’ Mr. Vigna signaled the two men forward, and they quickly introduced themselves. (How nice that you came!)

‘¡Hola! Sono Carlos,’ Carlos Sainz Jr. extended his hand towards Mr. Williamson. (Hi! I’m Carlos.)

‘Nice to meet you,’ replied my boss, shaking his hand.

‘Hi,’ I smiled at him, trying to contain the excitement.

‘Hello,’ he gave me two kisses on both cheeks, and I couldn’t help the giggle that escaped my lips.

‘Sorry, I’m a big fan,’ my face felt even warmer, but I still didn’t take my sunglasses off, the big black crystals at least hiding part of my cheeks.

Carlos laughed. ‘It’s alright, usually everyone that comes to Fiorano is,’ he winked, and moved aside.

I would be lying if I said I didn’t have favorites. I would also be lying if I said Charles Leclerc wasn’t one of them.

The slightly taller man stood right in front of me, smiling brightly. His head blocked the sun, allowing me to look at him in more detail as the rays fell around him, giving him an even bigger heavenly glow.

‘Ciao, I’m Charles,’ he too pressed two soft kisses on my cheeks, and I swear my heart stopped for a second when he came closer. (Hi.)

I took off my glasses and quickly introduced myself, hoping I didn’t sound like a lunatic gushing over her biggest celebrity crush standing right in front of her.

‘Ragazzi, l'intervistatore vi sta aspettando,’ a shorter woman came up behind the two drivers with a stressed look on her face. (Guys, the interviewer’s waiting for you.)

I frowned slightly, having the meeting cut short, but in hindsight, my heart was beating loudly in my ribcage out of nerves, and I didn’t want to make an even bigger fool of myself by standing there completely starstruck.

They sadly left our group with a warm goodbye, and the rest of the day passed in a blur.

Next thing I knew, I was on my bed, staring at the ceiling, failing to fall asleep due to the image of a pair of green eyes glistening in the sun embedded in my mind.

Next chapter

General taglist: @angiewhoohooo, @azaleaniath, @mishaandthebrits, @celestialcharles

#charles leclerc x reader #charles leclerc x female!reader #charles leclerc #charles leclerc x you #charles leclerc x y/n #charles leclerc imagine #formula 1 #f1 x reader #f1 fanfic #f1 fic

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nardonotes · 2 months ago

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24 oct '24

11:17pm

today is a very sad day for me ! (ᴗ_ ᴗ。) i didn't end up going to class either so i've literally missed a whole week, not counting the day off on wednesday. im so disappointed in myself fr. and i hate to blame it on seasonal depression but who else can i blame!! like it really is all on me though -.-" like there's nothing i can do about it but just accept that i fucked up by not going in. i slept all day instead, till 5pm.

[VENT TIME] i had a really bad dream too that i dont want to talk about but it was just bad and horrible !! (╥‸╥) and i woke up to that girl cancelling our date which i already felt was coming .. im pretty sure she lost interest in me but i also feel like i really jinxed it by looking forward to it too much. i don't even wna talk about it and i asked for a raincheck, but the conversation a bit more complex (dont wna talk about it !!) and i say,, im just gonna get the hint and if she doesn't want to plan it out then so be it like i guess that's just how it is and it's another failed attempt in getting to know someone !! also im so picky so like ༎ຶ‿༎ຶ it won't be for another while!! and i think im okay with that. cause i do get really bad in the winter and it's just,,, WHATEVER!! anyways. yeah no im just not going to push her into going out with me. i think she might just be really sweet to turn me down(?) because she did insist, she'll make it work idk girls are so complicated and i thought by now i'd understand how their minds work but shit!!!!! it is very difficult!!!!!! like i might act like a chick but i do NOT have the mind of a chick!!!!!!!!!! i hate situationships or talking stages fr....

anyways, after i ate i had a beer with my sister and her bf (my sister didnt drink) but i drank a bottle of desperados (good ol' friend of mine) and ate some pizza while they both bleached and dyed their hair lmfao. they're actually still doing it rn. i also recorded stupid unserious frank ocean covers and it was so funny to me. ( ദ്ദി ˙ᗜ˙ ) garageband is it!!!!

ok. i have work experience tmr, which im dreading so so so so soooo bad. but i really have to go in. so ill just suck it up, work the 6-7 hours and then i dont have to worry about any of that for the next week. i probably wont even do the shit i really want to do midterm.... I KNOW I SAID I WANTED TO DO A LOT DURING MIDTERM,,, but now- the seasonal depression is hitting so bad lmfao. (੭´༎ຶ ཀ ´༎ຶ)੭ lord save me from this hell i call life. ༼;´༎ຶ ۝ ༎ຶ༽ i AM STRUGGLING BAD!!!! LOL !!!!!

bye. and goodnight. may tomorrow bring me so much happiness and distractions and prosperity. god bless. end this month already. im tired!

song of the day: Disappear by beabadoobee ° ᡣ𐭩 . ° .

#nardo24 #nardo oct '24

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i-luv-carl-grimes · 2 years ago

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☾꙳all the things I hate about you꙳☀︎ pt.1

꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳

Chandler Riggs x Fem!reader (he is 16 and you are 15)

Summary: you recently got booked for a acting job playing a character in the walking Dead, it just so happens that you play the love interest for a character named Carl Grimes played by Chandler Riggs, you soon realize you two hated one another

Warnings: swearing

꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳

Hello my darlings! This is VERY important so please read. Okay so this is part.1 of a series I will be starting I'll try to Update as much as possible but I hope you enjoy<3

꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳

I walked out of the studio where I was auditioning for a character from the walking Dead, I was over the moon about it! I mean there we're only 3 other girls there so there was a really good chance I could get the part, and maybe I am getting my hopes up but the thought of meeting CHANDLER RIGGS I couldnt help but kick my feet and laugh like a little girl.

I was a HUGE fan of Chandler, I mean I've been watching the walking Dead since I was 8 and Carl was my favorite character, that's also when it hit me

Omg, if I get the part, I'm play his love interest and once again I felt my stomach fill with excitement and again I shoved my head in my pillow and let out a scream, once I calmed down I grabbed my phone and seen that Chandler had Twitted I opened it and see that he was talking about the casting

@chandlerriggs

I just seen the new casting, it'll be out tomorrow afternoon good luck! And check your emails

Chandler always seemed so nice, his streams were always funny the clips of him and even his interviews he just seemed so...i don't know how to put it, lovely? Yeah I guess. "Y/n! Dinner!" my mom said and I turned my phone of and almost skipped down the stairs, I NEEDED this part

"How did the auditions go?" my mother asked as I set the table. "Not sure, all I know is that if I get the part I will freak out" I said sitting down and she put f/f (favorite food) on the table. "I know how much you love that show and that boy, what was his name? Carl? Anyway when do you find out if you get the part?" my mom asked. "Chandler Riggs the actor for Carl said that they'll be out tomorrow afternoon" I said shoving food into my mouth. "I really hope you get it dear" she said grabbing my face and I gave her a soft smile. I hope so too.

After I had finished eating I said goodnight to my mom, put my hair up, brush my teeth and washed my face all before I jumped on my bed and grabbed my phone to see another twit from Chandler

@chandlerriggs

I'll be streaming at 8:00 pm for a bit, and PLEASE do not ask me who got booked for the audition, I can't say

I realized it was already 8:12 so why not? I opened the stream and seen Carl playing minecraft. I then seen Carl's eyes move to look at chat when a question popped up about the part I had auditioned from.

@/therealone: what are your thoughts on having a love interest

"Hmm I'm not sure actually, its cool I guess, I just know that the rest of the cast it gonna be a bit annoyed also, guess who was able to pick" he said then pointed at himself. "I aware there were 3 girl who actually got to do the audition but only 2 made it to actually being picked they wanted me to, why? I don't fucking know, I think they wanted me to pick who would look the best with Carl so I did, and I think I picked right but we'll see" he said and for some reason I felt anxiety rise in my chest, what if I was let go? What if I was the girl who didn't make it, I then started to type

@/(u/n)(username)

I look forward to maybe working with you!

I said and I seen his mouth curve. "Maybe huh?" he said, what was me implying, did I get the part? Was he messing with me? No he wouldn't, would he? My god I dont know anything about him, sure I thought he was cool but I don't really KNOW him know him. My anxiety grew and I sat up when my phone dinged

(F/n) (friend name)

Hey n/n (Nick name) I was wondering if I could come over and see if you get the part, that alright?

N/n

Sure! God I'm so nervous about it

F/n

Don't be! If you dont get it I'm gonna beat the producers ass, anyway get some sleep, I love u and good luck!

N/n

Ty f/n/n (friend nickname) I love you too good night

I then went back the Chandler's stream and leaned back resting my head on a pillow. Me and f/n we had been close for YEARS I honestly don't think I could even get where I am without her, but that's just the thing, there filming in Georgia and I just so happen to live hours away in y/s (your state/country) , so if I do get the part then we will no longer be neighbors, but that's also one of the reason my mom wanted me to get the part because we had family in Atlanta

"Also, one more thing before I head out, to the girl who did win, before you worrry about moving, I hate to tell you this but, your mom already knows we told her as soon as we know who we wanted, so we already gave house recommendations and I'm pretty sure you'll move in 2 months from now, anyway bye and to the new girl see you soon" he said then ended the stream,

I wish I'm the girl he's talking about, and with that i plugged my phone in and layed on my side, I needed this please just please I needed this. I slowly fell asleep even though I was filled with both excitement and exstream nervousness.

- (time skip) -

"Y/n it's already 9 you need to get up F/n said she was on her way" my mom said the walked out of my room, I groaned before I sat up and stretched before completely getting out of bed, I then walked over to my closet I grabbed some pajama pants and a black tank top (if you don't like the outfit just out what you like<3) something basic and simple for the possibly the best day of my life, that's also when worry once again filled me as well as the memory of what Carl said. 'Your moms already know' MY MOM KNOWS!? I put my hair half up (again if u don't like it just think of smt else) and ran down stairs

"Mom!" I said rather loudly and he turned with a worried look on her face. "Did I get the part or not? Chandler said you knew" I said and she let out a deep breath. "Y/n this is something you have to see for yourself" she said I then went down to sit on the steps. Thoughts ran through my head about everything that could go wrong till I heard the doorbell ring I got up and opened the door and F/n brought my into a huge hug, I returned it without hesitation. "You okay?" she asked and pulled away to look at me. "A little nervous" I said giving bet a small smile. "Well I mean one little email could possibly change your whole life, of course you are" he said letting out and airy laugh . "Geez what am I gonna do without you" I said referring to the fact that I had to move if I got the part. "I dont know, but I do know that you'll still be everything to me" she said, her voice was soft and reassuring. "Thank you f/n/n" I said and we hugged again she then pulled away and got comfortable.

"Did you eat anything yet?" she asked and I shock my head. "If I tried I think I might puke" I joked and she chuckled. "Well whatever happens happens" she said and I nodded then went up stairs to grab my phone

11 am

Just one hour

"Y/n! Hurry upp" I heard f/n yelled and I went back down stairs when my mom stopped me. "I am so proud of you" she said and I smiled. "Thank you mom" I said and she turned back to what she was doing and I sat down next to f/n waiting till I got the email that would either ruin or change my life I began to pick at my sick, something I picked up from my mom when I get really scared and Lord I wasn't just scared I was horrified.

"Y/n I got it" my mom said and I shot up. "Read it please" I said and she

"Y/n l/n we are-

꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳

So? What do you think? Should I continue this series? If so please let me know!!

꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳

#carl grimes #carl the walking dead #the walking dead #twd carl #chandler riggs #carl x reader #chandler riggs x reader #fanfition #twd x reader #x reader #the walking dead fanfiction

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beyondthetemples-ooc · 2 years ago

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I started like... mildly crying 20 minutes ago and I haven’t stopped.

It’s equal parts Good Feelings and Bad Feelings! But it’s a lot of feelings.

tl;dr helping a friend made me emotional, my stomach tormented me last night so I’m especially fragile, I’m insanely excited for QPP Moving Day TOMORROW!, and then I heard a leader in the org say “I celebrate the person sitting in your seat” and a bunch of other really loving, gentle, appreciative things and I realized how badly I NEED TO HEAR THAT, and how, for the longest time, I just didn’t.

Mild emetophobia warning for discussion of Feeling Bad, and emotional warning for what might amount to... childhood emotional neglect? Is that a thing?

I don’t know if I can ramble, my emotions are kinda threadbare right now. So, bullet points.

- I stayed up late last night to talk to a friend having a crisis. Staying up late alone wouldn’t have been a problem at all, I was happy to “make time” for sia! But

- RIGHT as I was falling asleep, my stomach hit me with Overwhelmingly Sick Feeling that escalated RAPIDLY, convinced me I was going to Be S*ck for 2-3 hours straight, and I was trying to fight the phobia down, I really was, but I couldn’t. I wound up laying there huddling and shivering, frantic for Literally Hours, until it finally decided to just feel sore instead, and I finally got to sleep.

( ^ That part is probably my own fault. I got Chipotle for dinner because I wanted to Do Things instead of cook yesterday, and Chipotle usually goes well. But then I ate the whole bowl AND the whole (small) bag of ships. Which I KNOW I shouldn’t do, my stomach can barely handle a SMALL meal! But I THOUGHT I was still hungry? And I felt fine, mostly just sleepy, Right Up Until 1-2 AM. And then it all hit me HARD.)

But even when it finally calmed down, emotionally I was in pieces. It Didn’t Actually Happen, but gods I really thought it was going to that whole time.

So between recovering from The Struggle Against Phobia Panic and not sleeping much, I’ve spent all day feeling low-energy and tired and wrung out.

So I’ve got this Emotional Torment right up alongside the “WILD INSANE EXCITEMENT AHHHH” because my QPP is moving in here TOMORROW, and I can’t believe it’s finally going to be REAL? We’re going to be here? Together? In this place that’s our own? We can see each other and hug each other and play games or watch movies together whenever our schedule allows? I can tell them goodnight in person?

I have so many starry-eyed feelings about this, I just. Fuck, man, it’s going to be life-changing.

And then I listened to a recording from a couple years ago. One of the leaders in the organization, probably one of my very favorite people to hear speaking, gave one of her heart-wrenchingly encouraging speeches. Encouragement wrenches MY heart, anyways. In a good way, but also in the way that makes me realize how starved I am for that kind of... just, love.

“I celebrate the person sitting in your seat.”

I’m just going to copy the relevant bits of the message I sent to my mentor and elaborate a little bit, because... I don’t have the energy to reword it, frankly.

I started crying a little at the part where she said "I celebrate the person sitting in your seat"...but I also think there's some underlying wounds that she speaks to. That part specifically made me feel so overwhelmingly loved and appreciated and part of the reason I started crying is because I don't feel that way very often. But I want to. I think everyone wants that, probably.

And I'm almost envious of her. I want so, so badly to learn how to edify and uplift and love on people the way she does.

It's especially hard because my love language is words of affirmation and I want to be able to give those words to people, but that's one of the times my throat just doesn't work and I struggle to get the words out. They're important and deeply felt, and for me big emotions are the hardest feelings to put words to. But I desperately WANT to. I want people to know I care.

But I want to learn how to give people those affirmations more often. And I don't think I don't do it at all, because last night a friend was going through a crisis and she called me and we talked for like an hour, and afterwards she said it helped so much, and today another friend...sent me a message saying they're having a hard time and could they please have some comfort, so obviously I'm making SOME kind of impact in peoples' lives. They must feel safe and loved if they come to me for help like that. But I forget that really easily.

This is probably one of those things that's going to come with practice, but do you have any tips for how to help people feel loved and appreciated? I'm not sure exactly HOW to practice telling people "I love you" and "I appreciate you". I haven't had many good examples of that being communicated in my life, so when I try to think of HOW to do it, I kinda just draw a blank.

Is it like that method you have about practicing feeling joy, where you notice the things that make you feel that way, and make notes of it, and then kind of take that and extend that to others? Or is this one of those things where you have to ask people point-blank, "What makes you feel loved and appreciated?" How do you shine that light and warmth on people?

All I want in life is to leave a positive mark on this world, and I think that's a pretty important way to do that.

But what I didn’t tell my mentor is, I spent ten minutes while I was trying to compose this message to feel my way through the pain that GL’s message brought up.

With the love I felt from it came the deep-aching realization that the reason it felt So Amazingly Impactful to me is because I don’t GET THAT much.

I so, so very RARELY am told “Thank you”, or “You made a difference”, or “I’m proud of you”.

That last one, I’m so desperate to hear that when my stepmother (OF ALL PEOPLE!) was drunk at my sister’s wedding reception and told me “I’m so proud of you”, I legitimately felt my eyes going wide and starry, and I tried to stop myself, but I couldn’t resist fishing deeper. “Really? For what?” (She didn’t have any specifications to that, unfortunately. “Just the person you are.” That’s news to me. It felt a little empty tbh.)

Like... I want to specify that my mother DOES tell me she’s proud of me, she encourages me, she compliments me, she gives me heartfelt praise and I can tell she really means it. But her and my mentor are probably my only source of that. I didn’t have those heartfelt conversations with her until I was about 19 years old. I wonder if maybe she didn’t know how to give me those shreds of affirmation, the same way I struggle to give them to people now?

Growing up, I essentially NEVER heard any kind of praise or thanks. The one and only thing people usually praised me for was “You’re so smart”, but even that was usually the backhanded-compliment prefix to a following “But if only you were better at being smart!” (Gifted kid complex, anyone?)

I used to write in my diary when I was in elementary school that “nobody loves me”. I wasn’t being melodramatic or exaggerating, that was genuinely what it felt like sometimes. I felt unappreciated and unloved. I would be told “Love you!” before bed and that was about it. I still drank up those 2-to-3 word statements and cried the one time my stepmother didn’t tell me that. But I was starved of any genuine praise rooted in sincere appreciation or pride or joy.

Maybe I got a “You did so well!” after doing a solo piece in a choir concert, or giving a speech at a school function. But when I stopped performing on a stage around age 12, I stopped getting even that.

That was when I started sharing my stories. When I started posting my fanfictions, I was so incredibly over-the-moon ELATED whenever someone posted a nice comment that I responded to Every Single Individual One with a private message giving them my heartfelt thanks. And if they were anonymous, I responded in the story’s next chapter.

And the thing that hurts so much about this NOW is... I desperately, really, truly, needfully Want to Tell People I Love and Appreciate Them. But I don’t have any examples. I don’t know how. I wasn’t taught the language of positivity growing up, and I wasn’t shown how to be vulnerable enough to be sincerely grateful and happy for someone.

I don’t want to make people feel unloved or unappreciated the way I felt growing up. I don’t EVER want someone to think I take their love for granted. I never, ever EVER want to make people think they’re unworthy or failures or even just “nothing special”. Especially the people I love.

One of my biggest “angst” points when I was a kid relentlessly controlling my emotions was lamenting that the people around me felt unloved. I thought that was my own fault. I didn’t realize that’s something you’re taught, just like sewing and cooking and writing. I thought I was broken somehow, that I had permanently removed my own ability to feel and show love.

That wasn’t the case. That wasn’t EVER the case. I never stopped being compassionate; I never stopped holding my friends very near and dear to my heart. I never (well, almost never) became cruel. I always had love, it just felt trapped inside me. I didn’t know how to release it.

I still don’t. And that makes me sad because the people in my life, even the random people I talk to on the street, deserve to feel loved and deserve to know they’re appreciated and important and deserve that genuine connection. They deserve encouragement and praise.

And the people I love most... My boyfriend, my friends, my mother? I so, so desperately mourn for the fact that I can’t bear my whole heart. I don’t know how to share the immense well of love with them when it’s locked up.

I wish I knew how to tell people, “I love and appreciate you.”

I’m trying to learn, but it doesn’t feel like it’s enough. Does it matter? Does it make a difference? Do people know I love them?

(Don’t try to eliminate all emotion from yourself for 10+ years, kids. It makes you insecure about what you show, what you CAN show, and it makes it harder to connect with the hearts around you.)

There was more, it is a deep wound, but I’m running out of steam... I might be all cried out now. I’m not sure.

Anyways, I’m going to go catch up on Broken Youth because I don’t know what to do with these emotions and maybe that’ll make me cry more and get it out.

#don't reb|og or you're getting blocked please. thank you.#rhs build the dream #rhs personal posts #digital mirrorbooking #rhs emotion

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