#anyway actually goodnight god i have work tomorrow
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devondespresso · 2 years ago
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its past midnight but idgaf, todays gender was girl in a "steve harrington from season 3" kinda way. the energy was somewhere between "Alien Blues" by that band i think it starts with a v idk and "Verbatim" by Mother Mother. if i wasn't going to work for 8 hours i would've worn hot pink flair pants and a Crumb merch t-shirt with an explosion behind the cat and maybe fishnets cut to be worn as a shirt underneath (but alas i cant risk the hot pink pants in a food service environment). goodnight
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phagodyke · 5 months ago
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yeah I'm not gonna talk abt it am I...
#well thats okay. eventually itll come up naturally. and if not well. it doesnt make me feel very okay. but its not a big deal#and i guess ill meet ppl in the future who will curate a different idea of me and maybe therell be fewer misunderstandings#<- coward who CAN communicate to save their life but not in any lower stakes situation for their happiness n quality of life#we <3 repression n insecurity. maybe if i keep digging at the corner of this bit of the labyrinth with my spoon ill get out someday 😌#anyway.. theres my daily vague vent post got it out of my system#wanted to do it earlier but ended up not having much time after work n then called friends which was nice :^)#also i never have signal at work these days.. my boss has said shell get me on the staff wifi tho cuz i do need it for work reasons#its rare to need it for work purposes bc we all use work pcs n stuff anyway and not rly supposed to use mobiles in the lab#but yeahh.. god i have so much admin shit to sort out also gotta text family back before i sleep i forgot to earlier#its all good.. also my memory foam pillows turned up so i no longer have to steal my roomies extra one for my neck pain <3#ik she was missing it... not to sound like a creep but it was nice that it smelled like her a little. just familiar innit#we're always around each other so its just what being home smells like to me.. listen i have a sensitive nose 😔✋️#if we were a lot closer i would ask if i could sleep in her bed while shes away but we're not so it would come across sooo weird..#and i would feel rly weird abt someone sleeping in my own room without me there. well maybe not actually. as long as they werent snooping#<- guy whose mother used to go thru their shit all the time n struggles to not feel paranoid and distrustful when it comes to privacy#was thinking recently my ideal living situation w a partner would be separate rooms but we still share the bed sometimes#but not every night bc im a sensitive sleeper... but we can switch bedding so i can still smell them if i wake up in the night alone#like how new mothers trying to get babies used to cot sleeping each have a cloth or blanket and swap every night#so the baby is comforted by the blankets smell and sleeps more peacefully.. and momma finds it easier being apart from the baby too#sorry this is getting gooey and weird my meds have been wearing off the last couple hours im so sleeppyyyy 😭#well.... maybe everything can wait until tomorrow..... bed is calling..#goodnight everyone muah#.diaries
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trans-xianxian · 4 months ago
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car successfully jumpstarted shoutout to my dad's friend christine
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That's it if I don't wake up tomorrow and I'm not feeling better I'm going back to doing stuff regardless because I'm bored as hell and I need to do stuff
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transgaysex · 2 years ago
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slowly realizing that i might have to be the second to last kid to leave this fucking household
#wind howls#understand that i say this with lament and i am in no way shape or form throwing myself flowers. this household would fucking explode with-#out me here. it is 2 am i had to diffuse 3 fucking situations back to back otherwise things wouldve become fucking terrible#1. my brother was arguing with my dad over my brother thinking hes ready to move out on his own (he is not.)#my dad is very drunk right now because we just had a huge party for his damn birthday. so obviously he threatened to make my brother sleep-#in his own car to prove his point. i had to make my dad let my brother go to his room to cool off so hed stop yelling-#and point it to my dad that yes hes right that my brother is super not ready to leave yet. but hes drunk and cant make a real point.#my brothers pissed but at least its not as bad as it could be.#2. my mom was starting to get mad bc her and my dads bed was full of coats bc we emptied the coat hanger to make place for the relatives'#and she was about to rip someones head off and wasnt making much sense or kindness in her demands bc its 2 am and shes exhausted#again i had to tell everyone calmly to take a break from argument no. 1 so theyd get the coats out and then everyone was a bit cooler heade#d. and 3. my sibling wants to go to a sleepover tomorrow and was certain that they had to get a response today#were not usually allowed to sleep over at other peoples houses so they have been trying to ask in advance#however. at 2 fucking am when my dad is drunk and my mom is enraged my the sleepies is not the fucking time !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#but they were worried they wouldnt get an answer before the sleepover because they work tomorrow til 5 and they gotta be there at 6#so again i had to fucking step in and tell my sibling that literally anything they ask for right now will get a no bc moms mad as shit#and dad is silly drunk and will not disagree with my mom. and theyll have time to discuss it tomorrow before they go to work anyway !!!!!#that seemed to satisfy everyone enough to actually share hugs and goodnights surprisingly.#jesus christ though.my fucking god#would it kill them to take a fucking second and cool down and maybe even think before starting shit. wtf#what the fuck ever man. even im tired (ill with the overstimulation and needing recovery) and its just 2:34 am#=_= unbelievable these people here. tf#i am so excited for spring break where i can spend time with my bestest friends in the world and get so many kisses and feel alive. Damn.
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transbunnyboi · 9 months ago
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I'M BACK FROM MY DATE. My brain is so fuzzy and I'm soooo dizzy and I'm overwhelmingly horny right now ough my god!!! My face and body is so warm, I feel like I was drugged oh god. Okay so I'm still fucking reeling. This man. Jesus Christ.
So he shows up and we go to some restaurant (It's a local one) and we have food and we talk and !! he doesn't like drinking (neither do I, for some reason I'm scared of it?? But not weed? My brain is silly), and also he's vegan. SO we eat and then we talked FOR HOURS and he's so interesting and nice and he's a really good listener and oughhhh god !!!! Oh my god and his teeth are so pretty and that sounds so weird but like they're not perfectly straight and they're so cute and aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!! So he takes me driving and just being in the car with him with his scent and his voice and his laugh and the slight fear of the fact that it's late at night and we're just driving around and he starts flirting with me and??? Also telling me like. Urban legends of the area and slowly creeping me out and I, not a normal person, started getting like. Absurdly turned on and shifting around in my seat and crossing and uncrossing my legs and we're on a dark desolate road and I wanted him to pull over and fuck me in the back and eventually we got back to my apartment complex and we parked in the dark area and he started talking and I asked if he'd 'kiss me goodnight' and he smiled and reached over and kissed me and I couldn't stop kissing him back.
He tastes sooooo so good just oh god, and we started making out in his car and my boycunt started aching soooooooo soo bad that it made my fucking legs shake and I want him so bad and my brain stopped working and I started begging him and I honestly don't even remember what I was asking for but I swear to god, my tdick started throbbing soo so bad and my cunt was dripping down my thighs and then he started unbuckling his belt and I literally started whining (I'm actually rlly embarrassed lmao) and I ended up sucking his cock and oh my god. I don't know what happened but I think my brain fucking re-wired. His cock tasted so fucking good and I'm soo dizzy from it. I can't even describe it but it slightly tasted like dirt and it slightly burned my tongue?? not burned but like???? I can't describe it and he kept leaking pre into my mouth and he was holding my hair back and guiding me and petting my hair with his other hand and ohhh god he was so vocal and he kept praising me and saying I was a good boy and I was so fucking horny that I was actually tearing up and I ended up stroking him until he came on my tongue dfhjgfdsfghjsdgf
He fixed himself up and took me to my apartment and my legs were so wobbly and I wanted him to fuck me so so so bad and he ended up kissing me again and again and when I asked for him to spend the night he said no, and kinda let out the softest little laugh (I was dripping down my leg) and said "You're greedy, huh?" and went "Not on the first date." I started trying to get him inside anyway because I was literally trembling and dizzy and I needed him so so bad and he kissed me AGAIN and smiled and said no and leaned in (I started shaking and panting, I was literally losing my mind) and he fuCKING GOES "and don't touch yourself tonight. If you do that, I mean."
He said he'd take me out tomorrow night because we're both off work and my boycunt is aching so bad and I'm so overwhelmingly horny and I can't stop whining and I'm laying on my bed with my ass up and I need to have fucking ANYTHING and I'm so so fucking horny and I cAN'T. I WANT TO DIE.
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604to647 · 4 months ago
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Macarons
3.9K / Detective Tim Rockford x fem!reader
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Summary: Tim thinks you’re mad at him.
Warnings: 18+ Content (MDNI please). Established relationship, soft!Tim, nicknames as usual (Shutterbug, baby, gorgeous), fluff and smut, oral (m receiving), titty fucking (don't look at me), unprotected PiV.
A/N: Another instalment of The Rockford Portfolio and this one is just silly, silly (until the smut😂); as always, can be read standalone. You guys know that TikTok couples trend where the user films their significant other's reaction when they try to leave the house without a kiss goodbye/saying "I love you"?  Ok, Shutterbug tries it on Tim (and Tim does not have the TikTok) 🤭🤭.
Photography inspired dividers by @saradika-graphics / Series Masterlist
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You’re chuckling to yourself as you send goodnight messages to your friends.  While Tim’s been getting ready for bed in the bathroom, you’ve been catching up on the memes and TikToks that have been sent since you last opened the chat.  The latest ones all a variation of the same couples trend.
Hubby’s reaction when I try to leave without kissing him goodbye!
Pranking my boyfriend by not saying “I Love You” back.
Watch me confuse my golden retriever s/o.
The trend is mainly silly, the humour laying in the adorable confusion of partners who are clearly in love with their significant others.  Even if most of these videos are likely staged, you find yourself smiling at them.  Looking up to see Tim turning off the bathroom light, your heart skips a beat at how delicious your handsome boyfriend looks in his nighttime wifebeater and boxers combo; he’s giving you that lopsided, adoring smile that always makes your stomach flutter.  Damn you love him.
[10:49 pm] Good night babes!  Thanks for the laughs!  I think I’m going to try this on Tim tomorrow.
[10:50 pm] Hahaha! Oh my god, tell us how it goes!
[10:50 pm] Good night!  Yes, report back!
[10:51 pm] Oh yes please, I tried it on Andy and he was just like, ‘Did you hit your head?’ Hahaha!  Good night!
[10:51 pm] Good night!! Love you, bbs!
“What are you smiling about, Shutterbug?” Tim grins up at you after he slides into bed and snuggles his head into your pillow, ignoring the perfectly matching and fluffy ones on his side of the bed. 
Giggling, you set your alarm and put your phone away, “Just watched some funny TikToks that the girls sent.”
“I swear it’s like a secret language.  Sometimes those chats of yours are just videos and pictures - no actual words,” chuckles Tim as you turn off your bedside lamp and slip down under your shared covers.
“It is!  Like a friendship love language.  You should get TikTok, Detective – then we could speak it too,” you give Tim a playful smile because you already know what his answer is going to be.
“Don’t need to, Shutterbug.  You show me all the good ones anyways, and explain them to me if I don’t understand,” Tim presses a long and soft kiss to your lips, coaxing your mouth open so he can slowly lick in.  An invitation.
It’s a given that you’ll accept.  You gently roll the detective’s massive frame onto his back with your hand, the gentlest of nudges, before climbing on top of him. “It’s hard work, you know? Staying on top of all these memes and video trends,” you murmur, lips ghosting over Tim’s as your hips start to lightly grind down over his growing bulge, “Hard work should be rewarded.”
“Is that what you want, gorgeous?  To be rewarded?” Tim smirks into your neck as he trails kisses down the column of your throat.  You whimper in assent as his rough hands start to claw up your waist, thumbs drawing sweet circles on the underside of your breasts.
“Gotta use your words, Shutterbug,” teases Tim.
“Yes, please, Detective!  Reward me,” you manage to breathe out before letting out a joyous squeal at the lightning speed with which Tim flips you over.  Pinning you to the bed under his massive weight and kissing you hungrily, Detective Tim Rockford growls against your plush and pouty lips, “Going to reward you and then ruin you, baby,” turning your sweet giggles into moans.
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The next morning, you have an early meeting that has you leaving for work earlier than usual.  Tim is just getting out of the shower when you slip on your work shoes and call out, “Bye!  Have a good day, Detective!”
Grabbing your jingling keys from the key bowl, you have to bite your lip to keep from laughing when you hear the hurried strides of your boyfriend rushing out of the bathroom.
“Have a good day, Shutterbug.  I love you,” Tim exhales as slows down and reaches the front foyer, glad to have caught you before you left.
You immediately regret turning around – this is going to be a lot harder than you thought; Tim is fresh from the shower with only a towel hung low on his hips, steam still rising off his hot body and residual drops of water dot his hard chest like diamonds.  His wet hair is slicked back, making him look distinguished even in his nearly nude state.  Forget not kissing him - how the hell are you supposed to keep from pouncing on him like a wildcat in heat?
Your best option has to be a quick escape; hand on the door handle you practically yell, “Okay, bye!”
“Wait!” Tim looks confused that you didn’t meet him halfway for a goodbye kiss as you normally would, but he smiles indulgently at your slightly frazzled behaviour.  It’s early and you didn’t get much sleep last night, “Aren’t you forgetting something?”
Avoiding eye contact, you feign patting your pockets and looking in your purse, “No, I’m good!  Thanks, babe!”  You’ve almost got the handle pressed all the way down when you hear Tim’s voice closing in behind you, “Are you sure?”
Shoot.
You turn and put on a tight smile, trying not to look into the eyes of your stupidly dreamy boyfriend, but where can you look?  Where can you look?  Not that solid wall of muscle that’s close to caging you in, that’s for sure.  You can’t even look at Tim’s jaw because that adorable patchy spot in the scruff on his left side always melts you into a puddle of goo.  You say to his forehead, “Yeah, I’m sure, why?”
“Just seems like you might be forgetting a thing or two, gorgeous,” Tim smirks, but if you would meet them, you’d see that his eyes are starting to worry.
“I really should go, Tim,” you say with a sympathetic tilt of your head, “I can’t be late for this meeting.”
He has you trapped, your back pressed against the door, but Tim isn’t leaning in; he’s sure by now that you’re not kissing him on purpose, but he has no idea why.  Not wanting to force anything upon you, he just waits – giving you some time in case you change your mind.
After about twenty seconds of silence, you nearly squeak, “Tim?  I have to go to work.”
With a furrowed brow, Tim steps back to allow you to open the door for your getaway, “Okay, love you, Shutterbug.”
You nod as you slip out, “Okay!  Talk to you later.”
Now Tim is straight up flabbergasted – he catches the front door before it closes and calls after your retreating figure, “Baby, I love you!”
You turn around and actually give him a thumbs up?!  He’s about to leave the apartment half naked to come after you and ask what’s wrong when he sees you slide into the elevator right before the doors close.
What the hell was that?
---
In the elevator you exhale the ridiculously loud breath you’ve been holding and slump against the wall.
[7:38 am] Total fail, girls.  That was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do and Tim had no reaction at all!
---
Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.
Tim absentmindedly taps his pencil against the edge of his desk, the repetitive noise echoing off his office walls and into the bullpen.  It was a habit he picked up a long time ago, and everyone at the precinct knew that if they heard that sound coming out of Detective Rockford’s office, it meant something had him stumped.
Your odd behaviour this morning has been on Tim’s mind all day.  He can’t for the life of him figure out why you didn’t want to kiss him goodbye.  Other than being a little harried, nothing seemed out of the ordinary with your exit this morning – your words were sweet and cheerful, you didn’t seem stressed about your meeting.  Was it his morning breath?  No, he had just brushed his teeth.  And even if it was your breath that prevented you from kissing him, it didn’t explain why you wouldn’t say “I love you.”  Normally so generous with your adulation and words of affection, he’s finding the change in your manner this morning to so off putting he can barely concentrate on police work.
Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.
Had he done something?  Surely you would have said; it wasn’t like you to play mind games.  And even if he had, when would he have done it?  The two of you had gone to sleep the night before perfectly content; Tim didn’t want to toot his own horn but you seemed more than sated after your three orgasms.  To add to his confusion, you’ve been texting him all day long like you always do, like nothing was wrong at all.
Cheerful texts announce when you got out of your meetings, then a sad picture of the muffin you accidentally dropped on the ground, followed by one of the much better cookie you got to replace it.  You send suggestions and ask him what he wants to have for dinner.  The funny comic panel from Instagram that you screenshot for him makes him laugh out loud.  Your messages say that you miss him and look forward to seeing him at home.  Tim answers them all as normally as he can without showing his growing skepticism.
Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.
Detective Rockford’s impressive solve rate is no match for this particular mystery.  What the hell was going on?  Tim suddenly recalls something his former captain and mentor had said to him once:  When you have conflicting pieces of intel, try to separate out the irrefutable.
Okay.  The only reason that you would refuse to kiss him or say ‘I love you’ would be if you didn’t want to.  And if you didn’t want to, it must be because you were unhappy with him.  For something.  It didn’t matter if you acted like nothing was wrong all day or he couldn’t figure out what he had done, it was irrefutable that he had made you unhappy.
Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.
---
You get home a few hours before Tim and have most of dinner prepped before he’s due to arrive, so you decide to take a quick shower to wash off your work day.  Wrapped in the fluffy hotel-grade bathrobe that Tim had in fact purchased for you from the hotel the two of you stayed at on your trip to New York, you pad back into the kitchen humming to yourself.  You’re just thinking you’ll pop dinner in the oven when you’re surprised by your sweet boyfriend only just returned, gun holster still snug against his tight shoulders, waiting for you behind the kitchen island; big hands holding open the lid to a box of scrumptious looking macarons.
“Tim!” you exclaim, surprise and delighted, “You’re home early, baby!  What’s this?”
He looks sheepishly at you, “They’re ‘I’m sorry’ macarons.”
You look at him confused, “What are you sorry for?”
“I DON’T KNOW,” he practically howls, looking like he’s at the end of his rope.
You rush over and throw your arms around your hulk of a man and pull him close, running your hands over his broad back in what you hope is a soothing enough manner, “Tim, baby, tell me what’s going on.”
Tim’s face remains buried in your neck, inhaling the soft smell of your body wash as he sinks every part of himself that he can, his face, his hands, his chest into your soft cotton clad body, “I’m sorry, Shutterbug.  I’m sorry for what I did to make you mad, and I’m sorry I couldn’t figure out what it was.”
Running a hand up to cradle Tim’s head, you’re so confused, but wait until his expansive body relaxes a bit against yours before pulling away a little so you can look at Tim’s distraught face, “Baby, I’m not mad at you.”
He studies the bewildered but sincere expression on your face and believes your confusion to be genuine, but that only adds to his own, “But you didn’t want to kiss me goodbye this morning, and you refused to say ‘I love you’ back.”
The sharp gasping sound you make is so startling it causes Tim to step back from you and he watches as your eyes widen in shock and your hands fly to cover your mouth in disbelief.  Then just as quickly, you launch yourself at him and press a flurry of soft kisses all over his face, his mouth, his neck, “Baby!  I’m the one who needs to be sorry!! It was just a silly TikTok trend!  You didn’t do anything wrong and I’m not mad at you!!  I’m so, so sorry you thought that!”
Tim comforts you with a gentle squeeze of your waist - you look beside yourself and ready to cry, but he still doesn’t understand, “TikTok trend?”
Grabbing your phone from the counter, you scroll to the videos in the chat you were watching last night and show them to him.  When Tim’s done watching the fourth video, he looks back at you chewing your lip adorably, worried, “So you’re not mad at me?  You just wanted to see what my reaction would be if you didn’t kiss me goodbye or say ‘I love you’ before you left?”
You look so small nodding up at him, “I’m sorry, Tim.  I didn’t know you would take it so seriously.  I actually thought it barely registered.  I never dreamed it would bother you.”
Now it’s Tim’s turn to be reassuring; stroking your cheek with two of his thick fingers, he tilts his head and smiles, “The woman I love more than anything suddenly won’t say she loves me or kiss me and it’s not supposed to bother me?”
“Oh Tim!” You fly into his open arms, lips crashing into Tim’s with a force that nearly sends him tumbling backwards.  Tim devours you with hunger and relief, so elated that rift he had imagined all day between the two of you turned out to be nonexistent.  You chase your deep and passionate kisses with light butterfly ones that map the entirety of his jaw and neck, fingers unbuttoning his dress shirt franticly to clear the path to his chest for your worshipping mouth.
“I love you, I love you, I love you,” you murmur against his skin, making up for the times you held back these same words this morning.
“I love you too, Shutterbug,” Tim hums, hands roaming down your back; dipping low to grab and knead the plush globes of your ass.
Breaking away, you slip your hands under the firm leather straps of Tim’s holster and walk backwards, pulling him along with a shy smile, “Come, Detective.  Let me make things up to you.”  Tim would follow you anywhere, so happy to have you back, even though he never really lost you at all.  He moves in a daze as you lead him over to the living room couch, directing him to sit before you sink down to your knees like a dream between his wide spread legs. 
Quickly undoing Tim’s belt and pants, you look up at your handsome boyfriend with big doe eyes, pleading with him to give you what you want; unable to ever deny you even if he ever wanted to (which he never did), Tim lifts his hips slightly and helps you slide his pants and boxes down his thick thighs, his already semi-hard cock bouncing out and slapping against the buttons of his dress shirt.
You lick your lips at the sight of Tim’s beautiful, girthy cock, head already swollen and weeping for you.  Reaching out to give him a few tentative strokes with your hand, you angle the tip towards your mouth and kitten lick Tim’s slit until his whole chest rumbles above you. 
Smiling to yourself when you see Tim’s eyes close at your efforts, you lick several long fat stripes from balls to tip, following the ridges of the thick vein that run along the underside of Tim’s length before happily taking him in your warm mouth.  At Tim’s low throaty moans, you slowly sink your face closer and closer to the grey peppered hair at his base, taking in more and more of Tim’s throbbing cock while stretching your lips as wide as they can in order to accommodate his impressive girth.  Hands covering what still remains after your mouth is stuffed full, you start to bob your head rhythmically; spit leaks out of your overstuffed mouth and drips down Tim’s dick, making it shiny and easier for your small hands to pump.  The slick, wet sounds of your mouth and hands working in tandem have you dripping in your robe, desperate pussy clenching around nothing.
“Baby,” Tim’s hands cup the side of your face and gently guide you so you come off of him with a pop.  Not sure how it’s even possible, he gets even harder at the sight of your blow out eyes and messy mouth, hands still working him lazily as you gaze at him, already cock drunk.  Tim’s other hand reaches forward to pull at the lapel of your robe, “Want to see them.”
Knowing what he wants, you gladly shrug open your bathrobe, letting the fabric loll off your shoulders and pull open the front so that your bare breasts spill out for Tim to ogle.  Tim groans as he watches you wipe the drool from you face and spread it over your chest, rubbing your mess into your supple skin as you grope and play with your seductive curves.
“Do you want to fuck my tits, Detective Rockford?” you coo.  Tim’s eyes snap open at your dirty offer, nodding eagerly, mouth agape.
Shuffling closer until you’re pressed up right against the couch, you reach for Tim’s cock, already standing at attention, practically saluting and ready to nestle in between your pillowy soft breasts.  Dribbling a little more spit onto his dick, you use your hands to lube him up before gently placing him in the valley of your breasts.  Once you have him where you want him, you flash Tim a sultry smile and use your hands to press your boobs together, squishing them so closely that the bulbous head of Tim’s cock nearly disappears.
“Oh baby, your tits are so pretty,” moans Tim, unable to peel his eyes away from your chest.
“Thank you, Tim,” you purr politely, starting to move yourself up and down, stroking him with every bounce.  Keeping up a comfortable pace, you keep your eyes down, mesmerized by how hot Tim’s gorgeous dick looks sliding through the snug fitting opening between your tits – the very sight has you gushing.
“Fuckkkkk, that feels so good, baby,” he chokes out. Tim worships your breasts; normally unable to keep his hands off of them, he loves groping and manhandling your plush curves with his big, rough hands, and rolling and playing with your nipples until they’re hard and pointy.  But watching you use your delicate hands to press and hold your tits together, up and out so that the tight and deep valley in between hugs his cock oh so perfectly is unlocking something new and feral within him. 
“Let me fuck ‘em, please, gorgeous,” he practically growls; when your response is to stop your movements and slobber more spit down onto his cock before smiling back at him with a wide-eyed look of innocence, Tim’s hips start moving of their own accord, bucking wild and furious.
“Oh yes, Tim, fuck my tits just like that,” you whine; Tim is driving his cock up between your breasts with such vigor that your whole body is being jostled despite your best attempts to hold still for him.  The top of your robe has long since fallen off your body, but the sash remains tied tight around your waist so that the lower hem remains floating over your thighs; the opening at the bottom starts to open of its own volition from all the movement and the luxurious piping in the hem catches on your clit so deliciously that you scream.  You start to meet Tim’s every upwards thrust with a little downwards bounce so that you can rub against your robe, chasing after that mind-numbing friction; with your added efforts, Tim’s cock nearly hits your lips with every pass between your tits.  Smiling to yourself, you tilt your head down so that the next time Tim pushes up, you press down and give his tip a little kiss.
Tim’s body shudders and he nearly loses his rhythm.  You do this over and over, kissing his swollen head with the gentlest of pecks every time Tim’s cock breaches the tight cavern between your breasts and pokes out to meet your affectionate mouth.
Tim’s low baritone groans and huffs are getting huskier and faster, “Fuck baby, wanna finish inside you.” 
“Yes, please, baby, need you in me,” you cry as you scramble off your knees and climb onto Tim’s lap.  The debauched feeling of having Tim fuck your tits plus the heady sensation of rubbing your robe’s hem against your pussy has you so close already - you’re sopping wet and needy.
You sink down on Tim’s angry cock and slip your fingers under the shoulder straps of Tim’s gun holster as Tim immediately starts to punch up into you; holding on to the supple leather for dear life as he fucks you like his personal fuck doll, you throw you head back and wail how good he makes you feel.  Your tits bounce in Tim’s face and he thinks about how they looked minutes ago wrapped around his cock and he’s ready to explode, “Gonna come, Shutterbug.  Fuck, come with me, baby.”
Tim reaches down between your bodies and applies the perfect pressure against your slippery clit, barely completing one rotation of his rough thumb before you seize and clench down on him.  Your loud cries of his name taper to a soft, desperate mewling as he fucks you through it, chasing his own high.
“Give me your cum, Detective,” you plead as you continue to pull against the leather straps that border his broad frame, “Fill me up, Tim.”
He shoots his load deep in your cunt at these words, willingly obeying your filthy command.  Not only would Tim never deny you anything, he would readily do anything, give you anything your heart desired.  Your happiness and well being are all that matter to him – he comes hard and with the assuredness of a man that knows his earlier concerns of having made you unhappy were completely unfounded.  All is as it should be once again.
Coming down from your high, you release your death grip on Tim’s holster straps and wrap your arms loosely around his neck, smiling at him affectionately, “Am I forgiven, Detective?”
Even if he wasn’t still inside your warm cunt or your perfect tits weren’t sitting right below his chin close enough to lick, Tim’s answer would be the same, “There’s nothing to forgive, Shutterbug.”  
Eyes soft and full of love, you hold Tim’s gaze as you affirm for him again, “I love you, I love you, I love you.”  Each declaration of your feelings is accompanied by a corresponding press of your lips to his.  “I promise I’ll never do that to you again, Tim.  I’m going to kiss you and tell you I love you until you’re sick of it.”
“Never going to happen, Shutterbug.”
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Afterwards, when the two are you are enjoying the ‘I’m sorry’ macarons that you giddily photographed, swapping cookies between bites so you can each try every flavour, you chew thoughtfully, “You know, this whole thing could have been avoided if you’d just get TikTok.”
You’re only joking of course, but your jaw drops when Tim holds his phone out to you, “Okay, Shutterbug.”
Eyes widening, you’re in disbelief, “Really?”
Tim grins devilishly and retracts his hand, “No, not really.  I don’t want to send you TikToks, baby.  I rather like the love language we have already.”  And with that he snatches the last bite of the lavender macaron from your fingers with his mouth and presses his lips to yours for the sweetest kiss you could ever ask for.
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kittysimp-daycareauart · 1 month ago
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Thought I’ll post some WIP stuff since, well, I haven’t actually posted in like a week or somethin’… So here!
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Blood moon twins because yes, I guess. I started this one like a month ago, but I’m really getting to it now, lol. (TSaMS) ⬆️
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I started this one a while ago too. Actually the around the same time I posted that angst piece about Ruin after the episode about his past happened. Still wanna beat Nexus for that one, no touchie the cute British boy! Lol. (TSaMS) ⬆️
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This is meant to be a little wallpaper for the flip phone 5. I have that specific phone so I’m basically drawing this mostly for myself, and I’m gonna post for anyone else who wants to use it for their phone, or just snatch it because they like it in general. (Not TSaMS, just *a* Sun) ⬆️
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I love Sun X Moon, this is a piece dedicated to that. Look at them be wholesome and cute! Also, yes, I adore The Sun and Moon Show and I would say I’m a big fan, but Sun X Moon. So just everyone is aware, when I make this ship it is NOT Sun and Moon Show related, and I will make that bluntly clear. They are *brothers* in the show, so that would be gross. (Obviously NOT TSaMS) ⬆️
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This is a God AU of mine based, mostly, on EPIC : The Musical. In this AU, Sun and Moon are not brothers, but instead romantic partners. Also, I was kinda of inspired by the song "The Moon Will Sing" by The Crane Wives for a lot of their dynamic. If you know that song, then you should be able to tell that these two are wholesome little husbands who absolutely adore each other. I definitely want to actually make stuff for this AU when I have fleshed out the story more. (My God AU) ⬆️
‘Anyway, that’s all I have for now. Well, with the stuff I want to certainly work on. I have so many more WIP pieces, it’s not funny. This is what happens when you think of too many ideas and don’t have enough time to do them all, nor motivation! Oof. Well it’s 12:48 for me. I should get to bed for real before I don’t want to wake up tomorrow for school. Goodnight! (Or good- whatever time you’re seeing this)
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marksmelodies · 1 year ago
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stuck like glue
“tangled in love stuck by you from the glue”- glue song by beabadoobee
paring: chenle x fem! reader
genre: smut,fluff
warnings: mention of sex, oral (f), unprotected sex, cussing, kissing
note: i know chenle lives on his own but for the sake of this story pls pretend that he lives in the dreamies dorms lol
no proof read
minors dni
———————————————————————————————Chenle has been away on tour for a little over a month. Tomorrow him and the dreamies will arrive back to korea, you’ve never been more excited to finally see your boyfriend again,You already took off a few days of work and told your professors that you won’t be in class for a few days.Of course Chenle didn’t seem supper happy about you calling off of work and missing school just to see him But deep down he was excited to finally get some alone time with you
“I cant wait to see you lele, Daegal and i miss you so much” you say to your boyfriend over facetime
“ I miss my girls too, thanks again for taking care of her while i was away” Chenle says
“ It’s not a problem babe i mean i’m basically her mom am i not??” you ask
“ What?? no Daegal has no mom only a dad” he says
“ Oh right Chenle that’s why she wines and claws at the door when i leave the dorms”
“ You’re such smart ass Y/n”
“I really do miss you though babe,ask Jisung I talked his ear off every night about you, actually don’t ask jisung or any of the members anything.. forget what i said” He starts rambling and you notice that his ears are turning bright red
“And why’s that lele?” you ask with a smirk on your face
“ Uhh i may or may not have drank a bit to much one night after our show and accidentally spilled to jisung, mark and renjun about how good you are in bed” he says extremely embarrassed
Your eyes go wide as you audibly gasp
“ You did not” you say rather loudly
“ I’m sorry babe i was drunk i doubt they even remember it, i only remember so much i don’t know what else i said” he tries to defend himself, You start laughing uncontrollably
“ That’s actually hilarious, i never see you that drunk” you say making fun of him “You’re such a brat” he laughs
Once your FaceTime call ends with Chenle you tidy up your apartment that you both agreed he would stay at for a few days once he gets home from tour. You get ready to head to bed and say goodnight to daegal
“ Your daddy is gonna be here tomorrow!!” you say in a high pitched voice causing Daegals head to slightly turn, ears to purk up and tail to wag “ I know i’m excited too” you say as you pet her head and turn off the light ,It feels like hours have passed since you closed your eyes, it’s hard to sleep because of the excitement running through your veins,Finally you feel yourself drifting off to sleep
You shoot up and look at the clock that reads 2:45 am you woke to up the feeling of sweat dripping down your face, you realize that your whole body is drenched in sweat “ What the hell” you say in utter confusion as you get up to check the thermostat “ Why isn’t my air conditioner working” you say pressing buttons on the screen
You walk out into the hallway to check if air is flowing through the hall,Sure enough the hallway is cold yet your apartment is sweltering hot “ You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me” you say as you walk back into your place
Turning on every fan you can find and placing them towards you and Daegal it finally felt a little bit better but not nearly enough to spend anymore time other than tonight in your apartment , Once the morning came you called the tenant about the air conditioner “ What three to five days just to get someone to check it out?” you say baffled
“ Sorry ma’am our technicians are booked out for a while” the man says on the other side of the phone
“ Alright well thanks anyways” you say as you hang up “god this is not how i wanted my week to start” You called your boyfriend to tell him about the air, Chenle talked to the members and they all agreed that you could spend a few days at the dorm until your air conditioning gets up and running. you’ve spent the night a few times at the dorm but never more than just one night at a time, you felt bad intruding on the other boys place but living without air conditioning during the hottest season in korea was a big no for you
Once you got the text that Chenle has landed and is on his way to the dorms you begin to make your way there as well. Standing at the entrance a wave of nervousness comes over you as you knock on the door “ Y/n come in” Jeno says while giving you a big smile “ Hi Jeno it’s good to see you” you say
“ It’s good to see you too, Chenle is in his room” he says You thank him and head towards your boyfriends room knocking on Chenles door before opening it. Daegal jumps out of your arms running to her dad “ Daegal my sweet girl i’ve missed you” he says bending down to pet her “Uhmm” you clear your throat standing at the doorway as Daegal runs out of the room to see the other members
“ I told you she loves me more” chenle says laughing
“ Really lele i haven’t seen you in over a month and this is how you greet me” you scoff in annoyance
“ Babe i’m kidding come here” he says as he walks towards you engulfing you into a big hug
“ I missed my baby girl” he says to you while kissing the top of your head.You lay on his bed and let him get settled and unpacked before demanding his undivided attention,You lay on Chenle chest while you both talk for what seems like hours about his tour,He tells you everything from start to finish, and you excitedly listen to him.When you both are done talking he decides you two should go out and hang with the rest of the guys
Chenle walks to the door about to leave the room when he realizes that you aren’t behind him “ Come on babe let’s go” he says waving you over to walk towards the door
You don’t say anything
Chenle walks back over to you and you throw your arms up in the air.Chenle makes a confused face.He knows that what you want is to be held; He also knows that you absolutely hate pda and would rather die than to show affection in front of the other boys so why would you want him to carry you out there?
Chenle shoves his confusion into the back of his mind and picks you up ,He wasn’t expecting you to want to be carried but what shocked him the most is that you clinged onto him like a koala, he took both arms off of you to open the door and you’d stayed clinging to him with your arms and legs wrapped tightly around your boyfriend ,You laid your head on his shoulder as he walked to the living room where the rest of the dreamies were hanging out
The boys all look at Chenle as he walks into the room, never in the three years you and Chenle have been together have they seen any type of affection being given between you two,There’s been times where haechan jokingly asked if you and Chenle were really dating because of the lack of a skinship “ you guys don’t even hug around us, that’s suspicious is it not”
The guys say a lot with there faces but no one voices anything out loud, Chenle shot a “i don’t know what’s going on” look at them and sat down on the couch with you still wrapped around him.The dreamies decide to play video games and of course Chenle was down to beat them all, through the entire gaming session you stayed wrapped around him not saying a word. Although Chenle didn’t seem like it he was honestly pretty worried about you, you never act like this in front of people
Of course behind closed doors you were affectionate towards him, but even then you were never this clingy
“ Babe i want to get something to drink” he whispered into your ear,No response came from you, you just looked at him and put you head back onto his shoulder.He got up and walked to the kitchen with you wrapped around him, opening the cabinets and the fridge he poured himself a cup of water, while you stayed clung to him completely unbothered. He goes back to gaming with the boys taking his mind off worrying about you
Later in the evening Jaemin starts making dinner, usually chenle and Jaemin cook dinner for everyone,Chenle looks over at Jaemin who’s in the kitchen and gives him a “ i’m sorry bro” kinda look followed by Chenle looking down at you and then back to Jaemin,Jaemin didn’t mind though he grabbed Jeno to help him make dinner
“ Hey babe you wanna let go for a second so i can use bathroom ” he asks, you just shake your head no, with that chenle sighs and takes you with him,He puts you on the bathroom counter and you finally unlatch from him “ everything okay baby?”You say nothing, just give him a quick nod as he comes back over to the sink to wash his hands and you latch right back onto him.Chenle really thought he finally got you off of him, he just looked at you confused again and kissed your forehead while walking back to the living room
He ate dinner with you wrapped around him, he asked if you were hungry, you shook your head no,At this point chenle gave up just letting it happen, everyones so confused by what’s going on, especially since you hadn’t said a word since you came out of Chenles room hours ago
After dinner Chenle did the dishes with you wrapped about him, he fed Daegal with you wrapped around (him which was pretty challenging he’ll admit) he played more games with you clung to his body. The guys suggested watching a movie and started scrolling through netflix debating on which one to choose
“ You wanna watch the movie with them or go back into my room” Chenle asks hoping for an answer.You just shrug your shoulders while your head is buried into the crook of his neck.Chenle has honestly had enough, he doesn’t know what’s going on, are you just tired? are you mad at him? are you upset? you were perfectly fine hours ago what happened??He gets up off the couch and brings you into his room sitting on the bed
“ Baby look at me” he says in a serious tone,You lift you head up off of his shoulders and look up at him
“ What’s wrong sweetheart” he asks
“ Nothing” you say shortly.Chenle is visibly getting annoyed by your short answers you’ve been giving him for hours
“ Y/n you’re pissing me off i don’t want to yell okay” he says “ what is wrong my love, saying “nothing” isn’t going to cut it”
“ I just missed you lele” you said
“ Are you sure that’s all baby”
You nod “ yes i promise i just want to be close to you” Chenle looks at you and smirks
“ I can think of a few ways we can get a lot closer than you just clinging to me” he says smirking.You laugh and push him away, he pulls you back and smashes his lips onto yours,Tongues battling for dominance you quickly lose,he flips you around so that he’s now towering over you
“ You’re so pretty lele”
“ Says you angel, god i missed everything about you” Chenle whispers in your ear,lips attached his hands roam your body unbuttoning your shirt and taking off your shorts, laying there in nothing but your undergarments Chenle pulls away from your lips to look at you “ god you’re so beautiful” he says taking off your bra chenle kisses down you body leaving a trail of marks.He gets to your heat and looks to you for approval, you nod your head yes and he begins to take off your panties, spreading your legs apart and leaves kisses on your heat before kitty licking your pussy,you instantly throw you head back into the pillow and grab Chenles hair while arching your back Chenle takes that as a sign to go farther and fully dive into your cunt, trying your best to hold in your moans knowing that right outside the door were the other members
“Fuck Chenle that feels so good” you moan softly as you tug on his hair a little harder his eyes look up to yours giving you an eye smile while hes still working to get to you finish while licking stripes up and down your pussy Chenle pushes a finger into your hole roughly going in and out
Feeling a tingly rush throughout your entire body you knew you were about to finish
“ Babe i’m about to cum” Chenle removes his finger and licks up and down your clit causing you to release,Chenle keeps one hand rubbing circles on your clit while the other hand covers your mouth, you let out a loud moan covered by chenles hand, he knew better than to leave you completely ungaged, he knows you’re a loud moaner, he could tell it was taking everything in you not to let out the normal pornagraphic moans that you usually do. After he lets go of your mouth he goes back into your pussy to ride out the rest of your high leaving both of you panting, Chenle pulls you into a kiss having you taste yourself
“Chenle please fuck me” you beg
“ Babe the guys are right outside”
“ I’ll behave i promise”
Chenle looks at you suspicious not sure whether believe you or not, you begin stroking his hard member through his grey shorts, Chenle let’s out a grunt and pins your arms beside your head
“ Don’t be greedy ” he warns while pulling his pants off and throwing them across the room with his shirt that was already long gone, he pulls down his boxers revealing his hard length, you basically drool over his dick which causes Chenle to chuckle,He pulls your hips closer as you wrap your legs around his torso, he slowly pushes in, Chenle lets out a grunt as his dick slides into the tight walls of your pussy
“ Fuck y/n you’re so tight” he says while progressively moving in and out faster “god you’re so wet too” he says right before pounding back into you
He has one hand on your waist and other covering your mouth like before,You shut your eyes feeling your body going into a different dimension
“ look at me, I wanna see my pretty girl” you look at him and make eye contact while he’s fucking you so good,you can tell he’s about to nut by the way his thrusts become sloppy and he moves faster and faster while soft moans and grunts fill the room hoping the members can’t hear what you two are doing
“ Fuck baby i’m coming” he says as he slows down his pace, you feel hot liquid shoot into your core as he fills you
He lays down on top of you but doesn’t pull out yet
“ That was amazing Chenle”
“ You felt so good my love, you did so well for me” he said as he kissed your lips and pulled out of you,you both lay there for a little bit just soaking in the presents of eachother before he gets up and puts his clothes back on heading to the bathroom, he comes back with a warm towel cleaning you up and making sure you’re okay.After not having sex for a while you were pretty sore but it was nothing major and you didn’t want to make chenle feel bad so you just smile and thank him for cleaning you up .Once you both freshen up you go join the boys in the other room to finish the ending of the movie that neither of you were there for
As he was watching the screen you were watching him, admiring how beautiful he is and how lucky you are to be with such a good guy, you thought about how many girls would kill to be in your position and a sense of pride washed over you, you were proud to be his girl.
“ Y/N is everything okay” renjun asking about earlier,all the boys look at you and Chenle
“ Yeah i’m fine thanks” you reply smiling
“ She just wanted dick” Chenle blurts out
“ What the fuck lele” your face begins to heat up as you shove Chenle
“ Yeah we have ears ” Haechan smirks at you both
“ I don’t know what your talking about” you defend yourself
“ Right because the headboard slamming into the wall which happened to the this wall” pointing at the one in front of them with the tv on it “ was from you both jumping on the bed” Haechan says sarcastically,You burry your head from embarrassment into Chenles shoulder while the boys are laughing
“ I mean you guys did make the tv shake” Mark chimes in
“Shut up your all just jealous you don’t get any” Chenle states
“ At least we know they’re a real couple, i was starting to think it was fake” Haechan laughs
—————————————————————————
my first fic! i hope you enjoyed!! my requests are open for all of nct!!
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depressedbagpipe · 2 years ago
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Ka-Chaow (Charles Leclerc x female!reader)
Chapter two
Words: 3902 Warnings: google-translated italian, more mentions of alcohol, poor writing, me not knowing how the ferrari factory works A/N: alright so this has been long overdue so i apologize for that. also, i haven't been to maranello so everything i mention is basically from google maps. everything about the publishing industry i got from a random blog so just to be safe, don't trust anything i say about it ♥️ A/N (II): italics are phone calls, bold and italics are messages, just bold is the location, and (parenthesis) the translation for the Italian ;) Taglist: @heavengirls111, @roseamongthorns13, @mishaandthebrits, @charlesswife, @silscintilla
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Chapter two
Maranello, December 2nd, 2022
‘Wait, wait, wait, so then you’re attending the races?’
‘Yep.’
‘And you’re getting double passes if you ask for them?’
‘Affirmative.’
‘And you know you’re my favorite daughter?’
‘I’m your only daughter.’
‘Still.’
‘I’ll take you to Monaco.’
‘Dio, ti amo.’ (God, I love you)
‘Of course, you do,’ I giggled at my dad.
‘And how’s the trip so far?’
‘It’s… fine, I guess,’ I cringed, looking out the window.
The only sight I could catch from my balcony was the Ferrari factory in the distance, and the hotel’s parking lot on the other side. The views I had caught from the car ride from Bologna’s airport had been beautiful, but we hadn’t had any time to stop to look around.
‘Just fine?’ my dad wondered.
‘It’s not a holiday, papà, I’m technically working,’ I said with a sigh. 
I walked back and dropped on my bed, staring at the fancy ceiling of my hotel room. Although the flight to Bologna had been short, the lunch with Maurizio Arrivabene had been exhausting. Too many bottles of wine and too little discussion about the job, besides the promise of all the paddock access we wanted, as well as the finest wine bottles per Mr. Williamson’s request.
‘Still, you’re going to the track tomorrow, right?’ my dad asked again.
I moved my phone to my other ear, gently rubbing the sore nub after almost an hour of my dad’s nonstop gushing.
‘Yeah.’
‘What time?’
‘We get there at 11 am, I think. I don’t know if the tour will be before or after the meeting with the execs, though,’ I bit my lip, checking the time on my wristwatch.
‘Mio dio, everything is so early here compared to home,’ my dad groaned, and I couldn’t help but laugh at his antics. (My God)
‘Well, not my fault you moved to London for love,’ I answered back.
‘Now you have to move to Italy in return so that we can complete the circle.’
‘Dad!’ I laughed loudly, despite my hand covering my mouth. It was a bit early in the evening, but I knew several guests at the hotel would not appreciate my yelling. ‘Alright, I’ll take you up on that.’
‘You better, chicken pie.’
‘Anyways, I think I’m gonna go. I’m actually exhausted.’
‘Too many emotions today?’
‘Yeah, and I gotta be up early for tomorrow.’
‘Wasn’t the meeting at 11 am?’
I frowned. ‘Yeah. But I still need to finish editing a couple of manuscripts. Do you happen to know anything about the types and uses of the cross symbol in Ethiopian religion?’
My dad took a couple of seconds to answer. ‘... No?’
‘Yeah, me either. Gotta learn a bunch of stuff for tomorrow.’
‘Well, call me when you know something.’
‘Will do,’ I laughed softly. ‘Buona notte, papà. Ti amo.’ (Goodnight, Dad, I love you.)
‘Ti amo di più, Principessa,’ with that, our conversation ended. (I love you more, princess.)
I stayed sprawled on my bed after throwing my phone on the comforter, closing my eyes for a few seconds. I knew I still had to unpack some clothes for tomorrow, recharge my laptop and work on the manuscripts, order dinner, make sure Mr. Williamson got the entire schedule right for the rest of the trip, eat dinner, and get a decent amount of sleep for the following day’s events. Despite my nerves, exhaustion was getting the best of me, and as soon as I felt myself drifting off, I willed my eyelids to open and my legs to move, standing up with a groan at my tired muscles. 
A couple of hours later I was already in bed, my fingers expertly typing away while my eyes begged me to finally close them and sleep. My laptop felt hot on my legs even over the sheets, but I couldn’t stop. Deadlines were approaching, and even though I willingly signed up for the trip, I still found the huge workload that still needed to be done frankly overwhelming, especially since I was working double during Mr. Williamson’s secret and unauthorized gap year. With a sigh, I kept typing until my eyes closed on their own accord. 
I didn’t even know at what time I fell asleep. It only felt like a few minutes until my phone was blasting the alarm as loud as possible. I carelessly reached for it with my eyes closed, hoping my fingers would find it early enough to turn the horrible sound off, but I only managed to slightly push the laptop away. Opening my eyes in a panic, I sighed in relief when I found no crack on the screen, the object still on my bed and not broken on the floor, but the alarm kept going, and not only that, but the hotel phone on my bedside table was also now ringing loudly.
Despite feeling like crying at that very moment, for not only was I not a morning person, but the extreme trauma of waking up mixed with the incessant noise coming from both sides of my bed was enough to almost send me into cardiac arrest. Grabbing my phone and quickly pressing the orange alert, I answered the call.
‘Hello?’ I asked, a yawn escaping my lips as I waited for the answer.
‘Good morning, Miss, this is Francesco speaking, from the front desk. Yesterday you asked us to please wake you up at 7 am,’ the worker spoke in perfect English.
I frowned, not remembering at all having done that, but then again, I didn’t remember most of the evening once I tried to recall how I fell asleep.
‘Oh, grazie, Francesco,’ I replied with another yawn. (Thank you.)
‘Would you like to have your complimentary breakfast sent to your room?’
I paused, enjoying the sound of that. ‘Sure, why not. What were the options, then?’
And that’s how I found myself having breakfast on the balcony, overlooking the blue horizon thanks to the lack of tall buildings around the hotel. I certainly missed the sky back in my London apartment, and it almost felt weird to have the sun shining so brightly on me so late in the year, but nonetheless, it brought some color to my cheeks as I feasted on the delicious biscuits I was offered. I allowed myself to calm down and enjoy the food, forgetting about my job and the likely still sleeping Mr. Williamson on the other side of the wall. As I waited for the breakfast to be brought, I had already taken a shower and gotten ready for the day and was simply enjoying the rather quiet life that the hotel’s location could offer. I did miss the people and the nightlife, but I already got a lot of it in London. 
Taking slow sips of my coffee, I finally got my phone out. I took a couple of pictures to send my mom, knowing she would be calling me in no time to check up on me and make sure I hadn’t caught a bug while I slept. Switching to Instagram, Alec’s face was the first thing that showed up. He had posted a video singing a new song, but I couldn’t will myself to listen to it just yet. His music was what brought us together in the first place, and for weeks I hadn’t been able to listen to his voice again. It was just too painful. 
‘Did you listen to his new song?’ I quickly texted Angela.
‘You won’t like it, though,’ she quickly responded.
I bit my lip. ‘Is it about me?’
‘Yeah.’
‘Is it bad?’ my fingers trembled slightly as I typed, suddenly feeling nervous.
‘I mean, it’s not good.’
‘You’re so helpful,’ I groaned, shivering slightly all of a sudden. 
A cloud had passed directly over the sun, taking the warmth with it. I stood up and walked back inside.
‘Text me when you listen to it. But wait until you’re back in London.’
‘Why?’
‘Don’t let it ruin your trip.’
‘Alright,’ I sighed and ended the conversation.
I shook my arms slightly, trying to find some physical way to let go of those thoughts, and swiftly got my laptop and sat down on the small desk by the window, and typed away my anxiety. 
I wasn’t a big fan of editing manuscripts, especially those about subjects I completely abhorred, but in the grand scheme of things, it somehow helped to leave my mind completely blank, making the time pass by even faster.
Before I knew it, it was 9:45 am. Another alarm went off, and with a final sigh, I saved my progress, put on some shoes, and left my room, only to go to the next door and promptly open the door with Mr. Williamson’s extra card. 
The sight did not surprise me in the slightest. He was still fast asleep on his bed, with the covers half-dangling from the sides and the mini bar half-empty. The room was completely dark save for the light coming from the open door.
I had to take a big deep breath before closing the door behind me and walking decisively towards the blinds, opening them wide, as well as his own balcony’s door, not even caring that the cold and wind could potentially make him sick. I was beyond the point of caring about his health when he clearly didn’t care about his.
‘Rise and shine, Stephen,’ I clapped loudly.
Mr. Williamson woke up with a start, groaning loudly.
‘It’s too early,’ he mumbled, flipping on the bed and pulling the covers over his head.
‘Hell, no,’ I said, grabbing the sheets and pulling them off from his body completely. ‘You’ve got an hour before the car arrives, so chop chop!’ I said as I opened his suitcase and started taking his belongings out, looking for some decent clothes. 
The night before coming to Italy, I had forced him to send me a picture of his luggage, knowing that, if it were up to him, he would show up in Crocs and Bermudas. It wouldn’t be the first time we’ve had a meeting with him dressed like that.
Thankfully, Mr. Williamson listened to me and sat down in bed, still half-asleep, but at least I could work with that. I threw him his toilet bag.
‘Take a shower, God, you stink,’ I complained, grabbing him from one of his arms and pulling him up. 
I slightly pushed him in the direction of the bathroom, and he followed without another word. 
‘If you don’t come out in ten minutes, I’m getting in. And I’ll bring my phone!’ I warned him, hoping the warning would be enough for me not to see him naked. 
‘Jesus, you sound like my wife,’ he mumbled just before closing the door behind him. 
I looked around his room, and opted for taking the remaining alcohol from the mini bar with me, just to be safe. Even though the bottles were tiny, I didn’t trust my boss to somehow get wasted. I wasn’t about to risk my job and my career, especially in a foreign country. Out of habit, I checked my emails again, hoping to see Rosanna’s name somewhere with a publishing vacancy, but as usual, no new emails had been sent since that morning. 
My feet moved by themselves across Mr. Williamson’s room, putting his clothes on the bed, and even going as far as to call some room service for him. I was hoping the sleep and the shower would sober him up because I was anxious as hell about the meeting.
Not only was I a huge sports car fan, but the fact that we had been invited by Piero Ferrari himself to visit the factory, which I could now see from my room, and talk to all those developers who worked there with the same passion my father and I had, was completely mind-blowing. And I didn’t want anything to screw it up.
‘So that’s our proposal. Ink’n’Paper and Scuderia Ferrari, together, writing about the history and fame of our car. And we want you, Stephen, to write it,’ Benedetto Vigna finished his speech with a looming voice, staring directly at my boss with a light smirk.
Ferrari’s own CEO had welcomed us into the factory, walking us through the many impressive facilities, and showing us every detail of the place. To say I was awestruck would be an understatement. The museum was absolutely incredible, and the curators had even allowed me to take dozens of videos to send to my dad, which I knew was probably screaming and crying at the sight of them. 
The meeting had started an hour later under the pretext of getting down to business as soon as possible and with the promise of trying the Driving Simulator after lunch.
‘Well, certainly, I can’t say that I didn’t see this coming,’ Mr. Williamson replied, taking his glasses off. ‘And how were you thinking about doing this, Benedetto?’
‘We had a couple of ideas in mind, but I think it’ll be easier right now if you stay in Monaco with the team.’
‘Monaco?’ I blurted. ‘Sorry,’ I apologized in embarrassment, but thankfully Mr. Vigna didn’t seem to care.
‘It’s alright. No, we’re opening a new office in Monaco for the new season, and given that it’s certainly closer to Maranello than London, we think that the writing would be faster.’
‘What deadlines are we talking about here, then?’ Mr. Williamson asked.
Not an ounce of alcohol was in his system, at least that I knew of, and he was magically back to being the professional editor I had known him to be what felt like an eternity ago.
Mr. Vigna looked at his colleagues, all of them nodding amongst themselves. ‘Hopefully, we could have it by the winter break. You know, from a marketing point of view, every Ferrari fan out there would be definitely getting it for Christmas.’
Mr. Williamson took a sip of his espresso, carefully considering his options. Then, he looked at me. ‘What do you think?’
I widened my eyes. ‘Me?’
He nodded. ‘Yeah, you. You also work here, I want to know what you think.’
Any thought left my mind as soon as he said those words. Despite being used to taking over his meetings due to his many inebriated states, I was feeling rather intimidated by the situation. And, unlike Mr. Williamson, I had never published anything before.
‘Well, uh, technically December is a bit of a dead zone in the publishing industry.’
I spoke with a low voice, feeling anxious about debunking Mr. Vigna’s theory.
‘Is that so?’ he asked, but his tone was more curious than annoyed. 
That only encouraged me further. ‘Yeah. It’s usually September when we get all the workload. December kinds of get those less-interesting manuscripts from the bottom of the submissions box, and many workers just leave on vacation. We usually just… publish more volumes of the already best-selling ones, because those are the ones that get sold. The marketing would have to be insane if we want this book to make figures on Christmas.’
My comment was met with utter silence. I stared at all the people in the room, silently hoping for someone to talk because the embarrassment was already too high.
Mr. Williamson gratefully came to my aid, as weird as it sounded.
‘She’s right,’ he said, taking one final sip. ‘Either we push the deadline forward to September, or we spend a couple of millions on the marketing.’
Mr. Vigna seemed to consider our words after that. ‘Right, I certainly didn’t know that. Won’t September be too much of a short time for you?’ he looked back at Mr. Williamson, who quickly shook his head.
‘I don’t see why it’d be a problem. As long as we start as early as possible and are provided with all the materials we need…’ he looked up in deep thought.
‘And what do you need?’ one of the women at the other end of the desk spoke, pen already in hand, waiting to write anything down.
‘Certainly, we need access to any source of information about Ferrari. Whether is it the cars, the history, even the drivers, literally anything with the word “Ferrari” in it,’ he spoke. ‘Now, I got a tight schedule when writing biographies, and I need at least two months just to do the research. After that, the writing comes smoothly.’
‘Don’t forget the editing…’ I whispered loud enough for him to hear.
He waved me off. ‘It will take some time, though. You know I’m not that much of a Formula 1 enthusiast. I much rather prefer cricket,’ he said, standing up from his chair and buttoning his shirt.
With his clean suit and combed hair, he looked unrecognizable from the man I had found in his bed that morning. He looked put-together for the first time in months, and it brought me back to the first meetings of my internship, where everything he did was graceful and calculated. I felt oddly safe for the first time in months, knowing that, no matter how the meeting went, I had Mr. Williamson to guide us through the rubble and exit the building with an even straighter back and untouched dignity. I so wished every day at work felt the same.
‘But my assistant over here is, in fact, a remarkable connoisseur of the sport. What did you call it? Tifosi?’ he quickly looked at me, looking for confirmation. ‘She’s half Italian, in fact. I might have to delegate some of the work to her.’
I widened my eyes even more, his words leaving a huge pit in my stomach. My head felt suddenly numb, and my pulse increased as I recited his intentions.
‘In that case, Stephen, if you trust her to do the job, so do we. Obviously, if she agrees.’
I felt more eyes on me, and I gulped. I nodded slowly. ‘Yeah, I do.’
Benedetto Vigna smiled and brought his palms together. ‘Great! I’m sure you’ll be fine in Monaco,’ he stood up from his chair, signaling everybody to do the same. 
Mr. Williamson offered me his arm, given I was still in shock at Mr. Vigna’s words. Everybody started filing out.
‘Wait, what?’ I asked no one in particular.
‘I guess you’re going to Monaco,’ Mr. Williamson said as he lightly pushed me out of the room, pretty much in the same way I had done that morning to get him in the shower.
‘But… what about work?’
He frowned at me. ‘This is work.’
I didn’t have time to reply, for Mr. Vigna’s loud voice reverberated around the hall.
‘Now, I believed I promised you lunch and a Fiorano tour. Oh, and the Driving Simulator, too.’
Despite being a huge Formula 1 fan, I had never been to a race track. The only person I really wanted to attend a race with was my dad, and he was always a bit too busy, and the tickets were always a bit too expensive. Not coming from a large income family had definitely shut a few dreams down, hence why I had immediately started crying at the sight of the Fiorano track, where Ferrari tested their cars. Even though it was empty, the sheer sight of the huge lane was enough to bring tears to my eyes. Thankfully, the sun was shining down on us, and my eyes were hidden by my sunglasses, but I knew my face would soon become a bit too red for other people to notice.
Lunch had been fine, yet I was still thinking about Mr. Vigna’s words. Not only was I part of the project, but I had also been tasked with recollecting all information about the red Scuderia and its cars and history, all of it while I lived by myself in Monaco. I was dreading the conversation with my parents, knowing my mom would definitely not approve, as well as the high chances of me getting homesick as soon as I arrived at the small principality. 
But then again, maybe getting some time away from my life in London would do me good. Away from work, and Mr. Williamson, and Alec. I didn’t want to be the type of person that fled the country when they broke up with their partner, but I also knew that distance was my biggest ally at the time. I wasn’t completely sure how Mr. Williamson was gonna manage on his own while I lived elsewhere, but the thought of a quiet life for a few months in the quaint country was becoming more appealing by the second. 
I completely tuned out Mr. Vigna’s speech about the dimensions and characteristics of the track (not that I needed them, my father had made sure from a young age that I knew my blood was Ferrari red and Tifosi my middle name, although it certainly never was and it got us a very weird meeting with my elementary school headmaster after having written Tifosi as my middle name on several exams). If I had been paying more attention, I certainly would’ve noticed two familiar figures dressed in red polos walking toward us.
‘Charles! Carlos! Che bello che sei venuto!’ Mr. Vigna signaled the two men forward, and they quickly introduced themselves. (How nice that you came!)
‘¡Hola! Sono Carlos,’ Carlos Sainz Jr. extended his hand towards Mr. Williamson. (Hi! I’m Carlos.)
‘Nice to meet you,’ replied my boss, shaking his hand.
‘Hi,’ I smiled at him, trying to contain the excitement.
‘Hello,’ he gave me two kisses on both cheeks, and I couldn’t help the giggle that escaped my lips. 
‘Sorry, I’m a big fan,’ my face felt even warmer, but I still didn’t take my sunglasses off, the big black crystals at least hiding part of my cheeks.
Carlos laughed. ‘It’s alright, usually everyone that comes to Fiorano is,’ he winked, and moved aside.
I would be lying if I said I didn’t have favorites. I would also be lying if I said Charles Leclerc wasn’t one of them.
The slightly taller man stood right in front of me, smiling brightly. His head blocked the sun, allowing me to look at him in more detail as the rays fell around him, giving him an even bigger heavenly glow.
‘Ciao, I’m Charles,’ he too pressed two soft kisses on my cheeks, and I swear my heart stopped for a second when he came closer. (Hi.)
I took off my glasses and quickly introduced myself, hoping I didn’t sound like a lunatic gushing over her biggest celebrity crush standing right in front of her.
‘Ragazzi, l'intervistatore vi sta aspettando,’ a shorter woman came up behind the two drivers with a stressed look on her face. (Guys, the interviewer’s waiting for you.)
I frowned slightly, having the meeting cut short, but in hindsight, my heart was beating loudly in my ribcage out of nerves, and I didn’t want to make an even bigger fool of myself by standing there completely starstruck. 
They sadly left our group with a warm goodbye, and the rest of the day passed in a blur. 
Next thing I knew, I was on my bed, staring at the ceiling, failing to fall asleep due to the image of a pair of green eyes glistening in the sun embedded in my mind.
Next chapter
General taglist: @angiewhoohooo, @azaleaniath, @mishaandthebrits, @celestialcharles
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nardonotes · 1 month ago
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24 oct '24
11:17pm
today is a very sad day for me ! (ᴗ_ ᴗ。) i didn't end up going to class either so i've literally missed a whole week, not counting the day off on wednesday. im so disappointed in myself fr. and i hate to blame it on seasonal depression but who else can i blame!! like it really is all on me though -.-" like there's nothing i can do about it but just accept that i fucked up by not going in. i slept all day instead, till 5pm.
[VENT TIME] i had a really bad dream too that i dont want to talk about but it was just bad and horrible !! (╥‸╥) and i woke up to that girl cancelling our date which i already felt was coming .. im pretty sure she lost interest in me but i also feel like i really jinxed it by looking forward to it too much. i don't even wna talk about it and i asked for a raincheck, but the conversation a bit more complex (dont wna talk about it !!) and i say,, im just gonna get the hint and if she doesn't want to plan it out then so be it like i guess that's just how it is and it's another failed attempt in getting to know someone !! also im so picky so like ༎ຶ‿༎ຶ it won't be for another while!! and i think im okay with that. cause i do get really bad in the winter and it's just,,, WHATEVER!! anyways. yeah no im just not going to push her into going out with me. i think she might just be really sweet to turn me down(?) because she did insist, she'll make it work idk girls are so complicated and i thought by now i'd understand how their minds work but shit!!!!! it is very difficult!!!!!! like i might act like a chick but i do NOT have the mind of a chick!!!!!!!!!! i hate situationships or talking stages fr....
anyways, after i ate i had a beer with my sister and her bf (my sister didnt drink) but i drank a bottle of desperados (good ol' friend of mine) and ate some pizza while they both bleached and dyed their hair lmfao. they're actually still doing it rn. i also recorded stupid unserious frank ocean covers and it was so funny to me. ( ദ്ദി ˙ᗜ˙ ) garageband is it!!!!
ok. i have work experience tmr, which im dreading so so so so soooo bad. but i really have to go in. so ill just suck it up, work the 6-7 hours and then i dont have to worry about any of that for the next week. i probably wont even do the shit i really want to do midterm.... I KNOW I SAID I WANTED TO DO A LOT DURING MIDTERM,,, but now- the seasonal depression is hitting so bad lmfao. (੭´༎ຶ ཀ ´༎ຶ)੭ lord save me from this hell i call life. ༼;´༎ຶ ۝ ༎ຶ༽ i AM STRUGGLING BAD!!!! LOL !!!!!
bye. and goodnight. may tomorrow bring me so much happiness and distractions and prosperity. god bless. end this month already. im tired!
song of the day: Disappear by beabadoobee ° ᡣ𐭩 . ° .
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i-luv-carl-grimes · 2 years ago
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☾꙳all the things I hate about you꙳☀︎ pt.1
꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳
Chandler Riggs x Fem!reader (he is 16 and you are 15)
Summary: you recently got booked for a acting job playing a character in the walking Dead, it just so happens that you play the love interest for a character named Carl Grimes played by Chandler Riggs, you soon realize you two hated one another
Warnings: swearing
꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳
Hello my darlings! This is VERY important so please read. Okay so this is part.1 of a series I will be starting I'll try to Update as much as possible but I hope you enjoy<3
꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳
I walked out of the studio where I was auditioning for a character from the walking Dead, I was over the moon about it! I mean there we're only 3 other girls there so there was a really good chance I could get the part, and maybe I am getting my hopes up but the thought of meeting CHANDLER RIGGS I couldnt help but kick my feet and laugh like a little girl.
I was a HUGE fan of Chandler, I mean I've been watching the walking Dead since I was 8 and Carl was my favorite character, that's also when it hit me
Omg, if I get the part, I'm play his love interest and once again I felt my stomach fill with excitement and again I shoved my head in my pillow and let out a scream, once I calmed down I grabbed my phone and seen that Chandler had Twitted I opened it and see that he was talking about the casting
@chandlerriggs
I just seen the new casting, it'll be out tomorrow afternoon good luck! And check your emails
Chandler always seemed so nice, his streams were always funny the clips of him and even his interviews he just seemed so...i don't know how to put it, lovely? Yeah I guess. "Y/n! Dinner!" my mom said and I turned my phone of and almost skipped down the stairs, I NEEDED this part
"How did the auditions go?" my mother asked as I set the table. "Not sure, all I know is that if I get the part I will freak out" I said sitting down and she put f/f (favorite food) on the table. "I know how much you love that show and that boy, what was his name? Carl? Anyway when do you find out if you get the part?" my mom asked. "Chandler Riggs the actor for Carl said that they'll be out tomorrow afternoon" I said shoving food into my mouth. "I really hope you get it dear" she said grabbing my face and I gave her a soft smile. I hope so too.
After I had finished eating I said goodnight to my mom, put my hair up, brush my teeth and washed my face all before I jumped on my bed and grabbed my phone to see another twit from Chandler
@chandlerriggs
I'll be streaming at 8:00 pm for a bit, and PLEASE do not ask me who got booked for the audition, I can't say
I realized it was already 8:12 so why not? I opened the stream and seen Carl playing minecraft. I then seen Carl's eyes move to look at chat when a question popped up about the part I had auditioned from.
@/therealone: what are your thoughts on having a love interest
"Hmm I'm not sure actually, its cool I guess, I just know that the rest of the cast it gonna be a bit annoyed also, guess who was able to pick" he said then pointed at himself. "I aware there were 3 girl who actually got to do the audition but only 2 made it to actually being picked they wanted me to, why? I don't fucking know, I think they wanted me to pick who would look the best with Carl so I did, and I think I picked right but we'll see" he said and for some reason I felt anxiety rise in my chest, what if I was let go? What if I was the girl who didn't make it, I then started to type
@/(u/n)(username)
I look forward to maybe working with you!
I said and I seen his mouth curve. "Maybe huh?" he said, what was me implying, did I get the part? Was he messing with me? No he wouldn't, would he? My god I dont know anything about him, sure I thought he was cool but I don't really KNOW him know him. My anxiety grew and I sat up when my phone dinged
(F/n) (friend name)
Hey n/n (Nick name) I was wondering if I could come over and see if you get the part, that alright?
N/n
Sure! God I'm so nervous about it
F/n
Don't be! If you dont get it I'm gonna beat the producers ass, anyway get some sleep, I love u and good luck!
N/n
Ty f/n/n (friend nickname) I love you too good night
I then went back the Chandler's stream and leaned back resting my head on a pillow. Me and f/n we had been close for YEARS I honestly don't think I could even get where I am without her, but that's just the thing, there filming in Georgia and I just so happen to live hours away in y/s (your state/country) , so if I do get the part then we will no longer be neighbors, but that's also one of the reason my mom wanted me to get the part because we had family in Atlanta
"Also, one more thing before I head out, to the girl who did win, before you worrry about moving, I hate to tell you this but, your mom already knows we told her as soon as we know who we wanted, so we already gave house recommendations and I'm pretty sure you'll move in 2 months from now, anyway bye and to the new girl see you soon" he said then ended the stream,
I wish I'm the girl he's talking about, and with that i plugged my phone in and layed on my side, I needed this please just please I needed this. I slowly fell asleep even though I was filled with both excitement and exstream nervousness.
- (time skip) -
"Y/n it's already 9 you need to get up F/n said she was on her way" my mom said the walked out of my room, I groaned before I sat up and stretched before completely getting out of bed, I then walked over to my closet I grabbed some pajama pants and a black tank top (if you don't like the outfit just out what you like<3) something basic and simple for the possibly the best day of my life, that's also when worry once again filled me as well as the memory of what Carl said. 'Your moms already know' MY MOM KNOWS!? I put my hair half up (again if u don't like it just think of smt else) and ran down stairs
"Mom!" I said rather loudly and he turned with a worried look on her face. "Did I get the part or not? Chandler said you knew" I said and she let out a deep breath. "Y/n this is something you have to see for yourself" she said I then went down to sit on the steps. Thoughts ran through my head about everything that could go wrong till I heard the doorbell ring I got up and opened the door and F/n brought my into a huge hug, I returned it without hesitation. "You okay?" she asked and pulled away to look at me. "A little nervous" I said giving bet a small smile. "Well I mean one little email could possibly change your whole life, of course you are" he said letting out and airy laugh . "Geez what am I gonna do without you" I said referring to the fact that I had to move if I got the part. "I dont know, but I do know that you'll still be everything to me" she said, her voice was soft and reassuring. "Thank you f/n/n" I said and we hugged again she then pulled away and got comfortable.
"Did you eat anything yet?" she asked and I shock my head. "If I tried I think I might puke" I joked and she chuckled. "Well whatever happens happens" she said and I nodded then went up stairs to grab my phone
11 am
Just one hour
"Y/n! Hurry upp" I heard f/n yelled and I went back down stairs when my mom stopped me. "I am so proud of you" she said and I smiled. "Thank you mom" I said and she turned back to what she was doing and I sat down next to f/n waiting till I got the email that would either ruin or change my life I began to pick at my sick, something I picked up from my mom when I get really scared and Lord I wasn't just scared I was horrified.
"Y/n I got it" my mom said and I shot up. "Read it please" I said and she
"Y/n l/n we are-
꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳
So? What do you think? Should I continue this series? If so please let me know!!
꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳
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beyondthetemples-ooc · 2 years ago
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I started like... mildly crying 20 minutes ago and I haven’t stopped.
It’s equal parts Good Feelings and Bad Feelings! But it’s a lot of feelings.
tl;dr helping a friend made me emotional, my stomach tormented me last night so I’m especially fragile, I’m insanely excited for QPP Moving Day TOMORROW!, and then I heard a leader in the org say “I celebrate the person sitting in your seat” and a bunch of other really loving, gentle, appreciative things and I realized how badly I NEED TO HEAR THAT, and how, for the longest time, I just didn’t.
Mild emetophobia warning for discussion of Feeling Bad, and emotional warning for what might amount to... childhood emotional neglect? Is that a thing?
I don’t know if I can ramble, my emotions are kinda threadbare right now. So, bullet points.
- I stayed up late last night to talk to a friend having a crisis. Staying up late alone wouldn’t have been a problem at all, I was happy to “make time” for sia! But
- RIGHT as I was falling asleep, my stomach hit me with Overwhelmingly Sick Feeling that escalated RAPIDLY, convinced me I was going to Be S*ck for 2-3 hours straight, and I was trying to fight the phobia down, I really was, but I couldn’t. I wound up laying there huddling and shivering, frantic for Literally Hours, until it finally decided to just feel sore instead, and I finally got to sleep.
( ^ That part is probably my own fault. I got Chipotle for dinner because I wanted to Do Things instead of cook yesterday, and Chipotle usually goes well. But then I ate the whole bowl AND the whole (small) bag of ships. Which I KNOW I shouldn’t do, my stomach can barely handle a SMALL meal! But I THOUGHT I was still hungry? And I felt fine, mostly just sleepy, Right Up Until 1-2 AM. And then it all hit me HARD.)
But even when it finally calmed down, emotionally I was in pieces. It Didn’t Actually Happen, but gods I really thought it was going to that whole time.
So between recovering from The Struggle Against Phobia Panic and not sleeping much, I’ve spent all day feeling low-energy and tired and wrung out.
So I’ve got this Emotional Torment right up alongside the “WILD INSANE EXCITEMENT AHHHH” because my QPP is moving in here TOMORROW, and I can’t believe it’s finally going to be REAL? We’re going to be here? Together? In this place that’s our own? We can see each other and hug each other and play games or watch movies together whenever our schedule allows? I can tell them goodnight in person?
I have so many starry-eyed feelings about this, I just. Fuck, man, it’s going to be life-changing.
And then I listened to a recording from a couple years ago. One of the leaders in the organization, probably one of my very favorite people to hear speaking, gave one of her heart-wrenchingly encouraging speeches. Encouragement wrenches MY heart, anyways. In a good way, but also in the way that makes me realize how starved I am for that kind of... just, love.
“I celebrate the person sitting in your seat.”
I’m just going to copy the relevant bits of the message I sent to my mentor and elaborate a little bit, because... I don’t have the energy to reword it, frankly.
I started crying a little at the part where she said "I celebrate the person sitting in your seat"...but I also think there's some underlying wounds that she speaks to. That part specifically made me feel so overwhelmingly loved and appreciated and part of the reason I started crying is because I don't feel that way very often. But I want to. I think everyone wants that, probably.
And I'm almost envious of her. I want so, so badly to learn how to edify and uplift and love on people the way she does.
It's especially hard because my love language is words of affirmation and I want to be able to give those words to people, but that's one of the times my throat just doesn't work and I struggle to get the words out. They're important and deeply felt, and for me big emotions are the hardest feelings to put words to. But I desperately WANT to. I want people to know I care.
But I want to learn how to give people those affirmations more often. And I don't think I don't do it at all, because last night a friend was going through a crisis and she called me and we talked for like an hour, and afterwards she said it helped so much, and today another friend...sent me a message saying they're having a hard time and could they please have some comfort, so obviously I'm making SOME kind of impact in peoples' lives. They must feel safe and loved if they come to me for help like that. But I forget that really easily.
This is probably one of those things that's going to come with practice, but do you have any tips for how to help people feel loved and appreciated? I'm not sure exactly HOW to practice telling people "I love you" and "I appreciate you". I haven't had many good examples of that being communicated in my life, so when I try to think of HOW to do it, I kinda just draw a blank.
Is it like that method you have about practicing feeling joy, where you notice the things that make you feel that way, and make notes of it, and then kind of take that and extend that to others? Or is this one of those things where you have to ask people point-blank, "What makes you feel loved and appreciated?" How do you shine that light and warmth on people?
All I want in life is to leave a positive mark on this world, and I think that's a pretty important way to do that.
But what I didn’t tell my mentor is, I spent ten minutes while I was trying to compose this message to feel my way through the pain that GL’s message brought up.
With the love I felt from it came the deep-aching realization that the reason it felt So Amazingly Impactful to me is because I don’t GET THAT much.
I so, so very RARELY am told “Thank you”, or “You made a difference”, or “I’m proud of you”.
That last one, I’m so desperate to hear that when my stepmother (OF ALL PEOPLE!) was drunk at my sister’s wedding reception and told me “I’m so proud of you”, I legitimately felt my eyes going wide and starry, and I tried to stop myself, but I couldn’t resist fishing deeper. “Really? For what?” (She didn’t have any specifications to that, unfortunately. “Just the person you are.” That’s news to me. It felt a little empty tbh.)
Like... I want to specify that my mother DOES tell me she’s proud of me, she encourages me, she compliments me, she gives me heartfelt praise and I can tell she really means it. But her and my mentor are probably my only source of that. I didn’t have those heartfelt conversations with her until I was about 19 years old. I wonder if maybe she didn’t know how to give me those shreds of affirmation, the same way I struggle to give them to people now?
Growing up, I essentially NEVER heard any kind of praise or thanks. The one and only thing people usually praised me for was “You’re so smart”, but even that was usually the backhanded-compliment prefix to a following “But if only you were better at being smart!” (Gifted kid complex, anyone?)
I used to write in my diary when I was in elementary school that “nobody loves me”. I wasn’t being melodramatic or exaggerating, that was genuinely what it felt like sometimes. I felt unappreciated and unloved. I would be told “Love you!” before bed and that was about it. I still drank up those 2-to-3 word statements and cried the one time my stepmother didn’t tell me that. But I was starved of any genuine praise rooted in sincere appreciation or pride or joy.
Maybe I got a “You did so well!” after doing a solo piece in a choir concert, or giving a speech at a school function. But when I stopped performing on a stage around age 12, I stopped getting even that.
That was when I started sharing my stories. When I started posting my fanfictions, I was so incredibly over-the-moon ELATED whenever someone posted a nice comment that I responded to Every Single Individual One with a private message giving them my heartfelt thanks. And if they were anonymous, I responded in the story’s next chapter.
And the thing that hurts so much about this NOW is... I desperately, really, truly, needfully Want to Tell People I Love and Appreciate Them. But I don’t have any examples. I don’t know how. I wasn’t taught the language of positivity growing up, and I wasn’t shown how to be vulnerable enough to be sincerely grateful and happy for someone.
I don’t want to make people feel unloved or unappreciated the way I felt growing up. I don’t EVER want someone to think I take their love for granted. I never, ever EVER want to make people think they’re unworthy or failures or even just “nothing special”. Especially the people I love.
One of my biggest “angst” points when I was a kid relentlessly controlling my emotions was lamenting that the people around me felt unloved. I thought that was my own fault. I didn’t realize that’s something you’re taught, just like sewing and cooking and writing. I thought I was broken somehow, that I had permanently removed my own ability to feel and show love.
That wasn’t the case. That wasn’t EVER the case. I never stopped being compassionate; I never stopped holding my friends very near and dear to my heart. I never (well, almost never) became cruel. I always had love, it just felt trapped inside me. I didn’t know how to release it.
I still don’t. And that makes me sad because the people in my life, even the random people I talk to on the street, deserve to feel loved and deserve to know they’re appreciated and important and deserve that genuine connection. They deserve encouragement and praise.
And the people I love most... My boyfriend, my friends, my mother? I so, so desperately mourn for the fact that I can’t bear my whole heart. I don’t know how to share the immense well of love with them when it’s locked up.
I wish I knew how to tell people, “I love and appreciate you.”
I’m trying to learn, but it doesn’t feel like it’s enough. Does it matter? Does it make a difference? Do people know I love them?
(Don’t try to eliminate all emotion from yourself for 10+ years, kids. It makes you insecure about what you show, what you CAN show, and it makes it harder to connect with the hearts around you.)
There was more, it is a deep wound, but I’m running out of steam... I might be all cried out now. I’m not sure.
Anyways, I’m going to go catch up on Broken Youth because I don’t know what to do with these emotions and maybe that’ll make me cry more and get it out.
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smileymoth · 1 month ago
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venting more cuz im sick asf of being the way i am lolz . Every trigger warning ever probably
Its like soooo hard for me to describe how bad thsi shit makes me feèl like i KNOW i can do it i CAN DO SCHOOLWORK i just feel like im mega lazy and not putting in enough effort so i always feel like i need to hurt myself so so much to feel like my struggle is like worth it. Like i keep fantasizing abt hurting myself realllll bad but its like okaayyy it wont like. fix anything? Youll still have to do it?? So like get a grip and just do it. But i on god feel like i cant? I cant? I feel like i cant??? I feel like i need so much help but i cant keep asking for help all the timr bc i need to vocaalize my own thoughts bc thats how the real world works how am i meant to get a job if i cant express my ideas. How have i become so degenerated in my creative ideas over the past 4 years. My god. Probably got to do with not having had a psychologist for 2 years and only seeinf my psychiatrist once in a blue moon (ITS BEEN A YEAR SINCE IVE SEEN THE FUCKER SOON) and my dad died but im over it now. Idk why im so depressed. Why am i so fucking pathetic man. Like get a grip. Literally. Makes me wanna kms how saamatu i am. I constantly fantasize abt hurting mydelf so bad just to show how much im hurting (eewwww i sound so emo) but again. Wont fix anything. And id hide it anyway. But by god i want to. So bad. Everybody has it hard and im not special so i need to suck it up and do it. I cant do this school shit. I also probably cant do a job. Nor anything. I rly should just kill myself unless i wanna become a 30 year old basememnt dweller who still lives with her mom. I neeeeeeed to kill myself theres nothing out there for me. Not skinny enough not smart enough not skilled enough im just mid. Id rather work at rimi but by god i want to be something and not just some random person. But thats a skill issue. The worst part is tjat i believe i can be someone that actually matters. I need to kill myselfffffff. Anyway fucking. Goodnight its too late ill do those stupid moodboards and personas tomorrow when i dont want to kill myself over school (mission impossible)
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star2sworld · 1 year ago
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Hey. Long time no see sorry lol.
Okay, let’s get right into it. School started yesterday.. I had a really bad first day of school. Found out the guy I had liked a lot in middle school (he bullied me & is the reason I have extreme body dysmorphia) is in my 8th period class. I found out in 3rd period and I was having really bad anxiety and was stressed out for the rest of the day. I ended up crying in a few classes because I couldn’t hold it back anymore. When I got to 8th he kept glancing at me but it wasn’t even bad. We didn’t have to Introduce us to the class so I’m thankful. I came home and cried for 2 hours thinking if I’m even worth loving. After a few hours I did my English work and we had to find a quote that described our true self and we had to explain why we think it’s powerful and as I was searching I came across lizard wiz and she reminded me who I am. So grateful I did bc after that I realized he bullied me a verryyy long time ago and it’s about time I moved on. Yes, it had a really big impact and it affected me heavily but he’s irrelevant. Haven’t spoke to him in years I can’t let him control my life anymore. I can’t be scared to see him bc we do go to the same school and we have the same lunch ha shocker. Yesterday at lunch I asked this girl if I can sit by her bc she was alone and then her friends came in a few mins and they literally ignored my entire existence so that was great lol. I felt so awkward I literally just journaled. I felt too anxious to even get food so I didn’t eat.
Day 2 ( today )
- today classes felt much much better. I love my 1st and 2nd. 3rd period is a bit boring but it’s not too bad. Fourth I have art and I luv art !! It’s a relaxing class. Then I have lunch… I decided to sit somewhere else today. I sat at a long table. One half was filled with guys but there was a bit of space left near the windows so I went and sat there. Then I turned around and put my leg in one of the chair ish things and a few mins later some group of guys started calling me from their table. “ hey lady “ “ ayo “ “ she doesn’t hear u she has headphones in “ … next minute I hear “ HE WANT UR NUMBER! “ I turned around back to my seat so quick lol. Idk who even wanted my number but they were Nepali and sophomores pretty sure. Don’t think they’re my type either lol. I went to go get lunch ALL BY MYSELF! I think that’s a lot of improvement compared to yesterday :) I ran into COMBINATION ( guy who bullied me & his friend I thought was so fine last year ) let’s call them double P’s combination Alr. I literally kept running into them at lunch it was acc awkatd every time they saw me they just looked down. Can’t tell if they find me ugly or attractive don’t know but I like lunch I like seeing them p #2 ( his friend ) lol then I had history and we reviewed imperialism , capitalism, & socialism. It was interesting lol. Us owns nothing in china while china owns hundred in the us. Then I went to English , i actually love my teacher. She’s so motherly I feel safe with her. She’s so nice and real 😭. I literally like all my teachers their funny and acc entertaining. THEN 8th period happened omg. We got assigned seats n I sit very far from P #1 (bully) thank god. I sit far back opposite side of him :))) when the teacher was showing his classroom n the poster behind me p looked right at me n I felt sooo awkward lol but it’s alright.
That’s about it. I had no homework tonight so yeah. It’s 10:30 I’m tired. I’m heading to bed just thought I’d write since I haven’t in a week ish. Ama is coming tomorrow so I’m happy and I might go to Erie on Friday :) I’m going to wake up at 4:50 am tmr so I can shower in the morning. Felt to lazy to shower tonight lol. Anyways, I’m happy this year I feel focused. My goal is all A’s & loving myself. My main goals. I also got catfished by a girl lol but ill talk about it tmr bc there’s a lot of things to unwrap. Anyways goodnight.
See you guys tomorrow ;))) hopefully tmr is a good day. Stay positive babes
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thirdhandidiot · 4 years ago
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Hey!! I don’t mind to sound clingy just checking up to see if you’re okay :0 I know you said you were a little ill Is that getting any better? <:0 <3
GOOOD MORNING FOLKS I do be living but at what cost -.- I was unexpectedly tripple whammied with being ill, a tonne of assignments (one unsexy multiparted bitch) during a busy work weekend and the besties 18th which I spent 8 hours on a call for, so I’m alive, about to sleep like the dead now and will hopefully be back with you tomorrow! I realised just now that it’s gotta look bad but dw, sexy Sunday is still on schedule and I am alive -.-
When 5AM hits
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