#anyway I've been thinking about them a lot

[cosmicwavelengths]

staring problem - bucky barnes x reader

summary: you’ve been working with sam, joaquin, and bucky for the past few months as their physical therapist, and you couldn’t help but notice how bucky just… stares. based off of dialogue from the falcon and the winter soldier: “does he always just stare like that?” “you get used to it.” and “you’re doing the staring thing again.” (+ more)

a/n: hello and welcome to my first semi-full length fic slash one shot! i saw captain america: brave new world last week and it was tremendous! i went back and watched the falcon and the winter soldier and it inspired me to write this fic. i've been pretty excited to share this, so i hope you enjoy! likes and reblogs are always appreciated forehead kiss

comments/tags: ca:bnw (spoilers!), fluff, bucky barnes is a 106 year old grumpy ass, bucky also has a staring problem (quite severely), physical therapist/trainer f! reader, sam wilson, joaquin torres, bucky doesn’t hate joaquin here but he has a youthful energy that old man barnes finds mildly exhausting (sometimes), there’s technically a girthy age gap between bucky and reader (probably 60-80 years) but bucky can’t help that so we will collectively ignore it

cw: mentions of alcohol (drinking, reader getting drunk), sebastian stan’s intense glare (swoon), language, kiss, language (bucky has a potty mouth)

wc: 3.9k | masterlist ────୨ৎ────

In his 106 or so years, you were the first person who Bucky Barnes met that genuinely perplexed  him. And he couldn’t exactly put his finger on why.

During his over-extended life, he prided himself on his ability to read people and understand their intentions almost immediately. Maybe he’s a cynic, but he finds it to be much easier to organize the recurring figures of his life into different areas of his mind. Of course, there’s the rare individual that Bucky genuinely likes, such as Sam. And with others he tolerates, like Joaquín. But you? He wasn’t exactly sure how he felt. And if Bucky was being honest with himself, it scares him.

Considering he already knows almost everything about you, it’s almost frustrating how little Bucky truly knows you. Sure, Joaquín sat you all down as a group to discuss their new physical therapist. Similar to Joaquín in age, graduated from college not too long ago,, has significant experience with working with service men. You’ve been working with them for nearly six months already, and Bucky has yet to properly assess where you sit in his brain.

Whenever you entered the room -- any room, you had a certain energy. Maybe it’s the way you carry yourself, but you seem to have this natural ability to alter the space around you in some way. Your teeth and eyes seemed to sparkle, the way they open up so wide to greet him and the others at the beginning of each training session.

“Does he always just stare like that?” you inquire quietly, leaning over to Sam as you create a hamstring out of a roll of kinesiology tape. You subtly nudge your arm in the general direction where Bucky stood next to the weight rack.

Sam chuckles, “You get used to it.” You shrug in response, putting your head down and continuing to wrap the tape around his calf. “He might be a bionic staring machine, but he’s been through a lot. It’s just how he is, I wouldn’t take it personally,” he smiles down at you. Making a quick glance in his direction, Bucky continues to stare pointedly, brows furrowed and jaw clenched. Intimidating. You suppose any regular person would be skeeved out under such intense pressure, but it makes you rather demure. Even though you’re looking in his direction, he continues to look at you with his intense eyes. You’d think that most people would stop after being noticed, especially since you’ve caught him staring at you more than twice, but he continues with his piercing gaze anyways. 

Since Sam had decided to rebuild the Avengers, you had been brought in as their physical therapist. If you were honest, you weren’t exactly sure why superheroes of all people needed physical therapy, with what cutting edge technology and medicine they have at their disposal, but it pays well and you can’t complain about that in this economy.. Since starting, you’ve already become relatively close with Sam and Joaquín. But Bucky…

…Well, judging by the way he’s practically staring through you, you’d be safe in assuming that he hates you or something. You’ve not really had a chance to have a full fledged conversation with him. You helped him stretch, applied kinesio tape when asked. Within your first few days here, you surmised that he was just a private person. But, you’ve seen the quick smiles he flashed at Sam and the occasional short conversation with Joaquín. You normally don’t take these things too personally, but the people pleaser side of you tends to rear its ugly head. Aside from that, there was something about Bucky that made you want him to like you at least a little bit. You’ve tried your best to be friendly to him during your brief interactions, but he didn’t seem to have much of an interest in conversing with you past exchanging pleasantries. Even though it hurts a little, it’s just how some of these jobs go, after all, you can’t expect to be friends with all your clients. But his nearly constant staring at you is��� menacing.

“I just don’t think he’s taken to me that well,” you breathe, finishing the wrap on his quad and cutting away the excess tape with scissors. “He doesn’t seem to like talking to me… or like me, at all.”

“It’s not you,” Sam reassures gently. “Give him some time to open up.”

--

“Y’know, you probably scare her with how much you stare at her like that.”

Bucky re-racked the weights with much more force than he wanted, causing the weights to make a heavy clunk sound against the metal, making her and Sam’s heads snap over in their direction. Shit.

Bucky looks at Joaquín and frowns. “Don’t sneak up on me like that. And I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Dude, you have something of a staring problem,” says Joaquín. “Do you know that? It’s important to us that you know that. You have zero tact.”

Bucky grumbles under his breath in response, turning back to the weight rack to select a heavier dumbbell. “At least say something to her when we go out later? You can tell it bothers her,” Joaquín offers with a smile. Bucky steps back from the rack, preparing for his next set. “Stay out of my business, Torres.”

“This seems like a very unnatural problem for someone like you to have. Maybe we should call Wakanda, tell them that our cyborg puppet has stopped working and is in urgent need of recalibration.”

“Fuck off.”

--

The bar is loud. Far too loud for Bucky’s taste as he enters the establishment with Sam. Had it been up to him, he would have picked his usual quiet spot near his apartment. But, it is her six month anniversary of working with the guys, and Bucky wasn’t going to miss a chance to drink for free on Sam’s tab. Bucky stuffs his hands deeper into the pockets of his leather jacket, scanning the many faces around the room. Keep an eye out for any potential threats…

“Well?” Sam asks, turning to Bucky and breaking him out of his concentration. Bucky’s jaw tightens, “Don’t you and Torres know better than to be in my business?” he says, crabbily. Sam shrugs his shoulders, hands out in defense. “Hey! I just want you to be happy, man. Just think about what Torres said, maybe?” He steps back from Bucky with a smile, clapping his hand against Bucky’s shoulder before approaching Joaquín at the bar. And there you are, sitting next to Joaquín, shining like the stars and moon… yet unsteady. Your warm expression grows upon seeing Sam, pulling him into a tight hug. What the hell, sure, Bucky ponders briefly before stalking up to the only open space in the bar and ordering a beer.

“Sam!” you answer excitedly, throwing your arms around him in a warm hug. He reciprocates in kind, saying a quick greeting during the embrace. “Wo-oah there!” Sam teases, “Has Joaquín here been filling you up with drinks here?” He gestures to the glassware that you and Joaquín collected, lightly crowding the bar surface.

“Hey, look, it’s a cheat night for all of us, and more importantly, her six month work anniversary!” Joaquín reminds Sam with a laugh. “Yes, tonight is all about me, guys,” you tease, smiling lazily at them. You generally don’t make it a habit to engage with clients outside of the gym, but Sam and Joaquín had truly welcomed you to the team with open arms these last few months. It was truly kind of Sam to pick up the tab tonight, and you’d feel rude refusing.

You settle back into your barstool as Sam and Joaquín begin a conversation. You scan the many faces around the U-shaped bar until you notice Bucky standing there, waiting on his drink. He’s of average height, about six feet tall or so, yet he stands out among the others around him. He wears his infamous scowl as he toys with his leather gloves. You took care in noticing how the light of the bar catches his upper cheek bone and the top of his jawline by his ear. His brooding blue eyes as they scan the area round him. So intimidating… yet..

He glances up at you quickly, incidentally locking eyes with you across the bar. Your eyes grow wide, feeling smaller than you’ve ever felt before. It’s almost eerie the way he studies you, as if he is trying to memorize every atom and particle of your facial structure. You almost freeze under his watch, sobering up a little as you sit up straighter. Properly. You cast out your usual friendly gestures, an invitation -- a small smile and a shy wave of your finger tips. Maybe it’s your alcohol-muddled brain playing tricks on you, but you could’ve sworn that the corner of his lips turned ever so slightly upwards.

It felt like time stopped when Bucky noticed you. The small wisps of your hair caught by the lowlights above the bar, reaching to the bow of the lips that once held a grin. Your wide eyes holding a sparkle of light. How he can see the way your skin flushes due to your alcohol consumption. Bucky finds it adorable the way you lightly smile at him, waving your hand gently. He sees the way you’re a bit wobbly, having to lean against the bar to keep things steady. He couldn’t help but be amused. His attention is torn away by the bartender setting down the beer bottle in front of him. Bucky fishes for cash in his pocket, setting it in the man’s hand and finally approaching the group.

He stuffs his beer-less hand deep into his jacket pocket as he stops next to Sam. He claps his hand on Bucky’s shoulder in greeting, Bucky acknowledges him with a slight nod of his head. “Bucky!” Sam exclaims, gesturing to the group. “Welcome. We were wondering when you’d show up!” Bucky looks at him with a tired expression. “Lost track of time at the gym,” he mumbles. “Likely story,” Joaquín laughs, before being cut short by Bucky nudging him sharply with his flesh elbow, using a bit more force than necessary.

--

Minutes pass. Then an hour. Two hours. Rounds of drinks later, you all lapse into steady conversation telling lively stories of the past, previous jobs, missions, interactions with other superheroes. You and Joaquín chortle together loudly at Sam’s seemingly endless stream of stories and jokes, while Bucky resigns himself to polite nods as he sips on his beer. The initial lively crowd of the bar had died down to the regular crowd, who’d delegated themselves to chatting amongst themselves, playing darts and shooting pool.

Several vodka cranberries in, your face and hands feel oddly numb, and the room spins more than usual. Shame on you for thinking you can match Joaquín drink for drink. Sam and Joaquín throw back the last of their drinks before heading off to the pool tables. Bucky stares off at them as they apply blue chalk to the tips of their cue sticks, ready to begin a match.

Turning towards Bucky, you prop yourself up against the bar, cheek in hand. You attempt to mock the way he stares at you, to make him feel how you’ve felt all these months.

“So,” you hiccup, interrupting yourself with a shy giggle. “What’s your deal?” You mockingly raise an eyebrow. “What’s your damage, Bucky? What is it about me you don’t like?” It slips out so easily. You should be embarrassed, but you’re far too gone.

Bucky sits up straight, giving you an unsure glance. That’s new. “I’m not sure what you--.”

“And you’re doing that staring thing again, that thing you do with me,” you comment, words slurring slightly as you gesturing unsteadily in Sam and Joaquín’s direction. “When you look at me like that, I can’t tell if ‘ya like or hate me!”

“Y’know, maybe I’m a people pleaser or sumthin’, but I-I really want you to like me, I think,” you sigh. Shrugging comically, you throw back the rest of your drink sitting on the bar. Leaning over, you clap your hand over his large gloved one. Bucky freezes, suddenly being hyper aware of what you’re doing and how small your hand feels compared to his. “And y’know what else? I don’t even mind when you stare at me like that. It’s almost as hot as it is intimidating.”

Bucky was warm -- not from the alcohol. He knows he can’t really get drunk anymore due to the serum, but he still feels the sweat from his palms against the smooth leather interior of his padded globes. And again, he states. Wide eyed at the flushness that cascaded down her cheeks to her collar bones. She fully lost herself in a fit of uncontrollable giggles, leaning against the bar again, not even knowing what you’re doing to him.

He wants to look everywhere all at once, eyes darting. Your bright, round lips stained with cranberry juice and the remnants of your lip gloss. The small beads of sweat by your temples and the crown of your hair. Your smooth thighs, sparkling in certain spots from the cold  of your glass. Bucky was truly rendered speechless. Not that he usually speaks much. Not that he was able to get much of a word in with you beforehand. But this time, he feels truly stumped. So, naturally, he did what any former brainwashed assassin turned semi-normal guy would do. With every ounce of charisma and bravado that a man like him could gather, he took one last look at her and drank the last bit of his beer. “Excuse me,” he said with a voice he was unfamiliar with, and turned around to walk out of the bar. And kept walking. All the way home.

--

Sleep is elusive to Bucky, who had spent the previous night drifting in and out of light sleep. He usually takes this as a sign to get an early start of the day, maybe go for a long run or walk outside.

He rises, making his way to the bathroom.. Squeezing out toothpaste, Bucky couldn’t help but reflect upon the event of the previous night. The sound of your gleeful, drunken laugh. How the warmth radiated off of your body. He can just barely recall the ghostly weight of your hand on the back of his. Even through his thick gloves, you may as well have burned him.

As Bucky splashes water on his face, he concludes that maybe a run wasn’t what he needed. The subway station was right outside of the bar on East Houston Street, yet he elected to walk two hours back home to his apartment in Brooklyn instead. He’d hoped that walking over the Manhattan Bridge in the middle of the night would turn out to be somewhat therapeutic, yet he was still unable to shake the memory of you at the bar. 

Letting out a deep breath, he takes a moment to sit on the couch and put his boots on. Standing, he shrugs on his leather jacket and reaches for the gloves in his pocket. Gloves you touched, he recalls, feeling uncharacteristically giddy about it. Heading out the door, he hopes that this early morning workout will help him clear his head.

--

It is far too early to wake up today, especially after having a night out like that. You awake with a raging headache, an unsettled stomach, and an aggressive thought of what the fuck did you do. As you lie there, gazing at your slowly spinning ceiling fan, you start to feel each and every one of the drinks. Groaning, you sit up, clutching your stomach in an attempt to settle yourself and you are quickly reminded of the conversation you had with Bucky. At that, you shoot up far quicker than you should, running to the toilet to rid yourself of the contents of your stomach and regrets from last night. Sigh.

You couldn’t believe that you had said that, feeling waves of embarrassment. You normally wouldn’t push yourself that far with the drinks, much less with the boundaries of a client. Grimacing, you reach up to the counter, feeling for a towel to wipe your face of sweat and residual make-up. Turning on the faucet, you cup water into your hands to drink and splash your face with cold water. Approaching your closet, you preemptively mourn one of the best jobs you’ve ever had. Every fiber of your being begs you to return to bed and wallow in self pity, but you think it’s best that you get to the gym early for a quick workout. Sweat out the hangover, you think bitterly. Your head lightly pounds when you make a sudden movement. Bringing your hand to your forehead, you realize this is going to be one long day.

Entering the compound, you hear the sound of a treadmill running and rhythmic steps in accompaniment. It would be good to see Sam or Joaquín, figuring that one of them decided to work off the alcohol consumed last night. But since you are, evidently, not God’s favorite, running on the treadmill is someone you’d rather avoid right now. And there’s Bucky Barnes, shirtless and sweating as he jogs on the machine. Your eyes follow his dog tags dangling from his neck, bouncing rhythmically against his skin. He heaves gently, hair flopping with each step. 

Even though you stopped in your tracks, he had already felt your presence and began slowing down. Bucky steps off the treadmill, collecting his water and patting his forehead with a small towel he brought. You figure it’s best to just talk and not dance around the topic. He didn’t seem like the type to beat around the bush. You breathe shakily before approaching him.

“Hi, Bucky,” you say, tone laced with nerves.. “Look, about last night--”

“Hey, it’s fine.” he interjects accidentally, cutting you off. He raises a gentle hand of reassurance. “You don’t need to apologize for anything.”

Your shoulders relax a bit, knowing that there was maybe a small chance that he wouldn’t tell Sam or Joaquín about your interaction. “Thank you, it’s just that I rarely go out with clients like that, nor do I drink that heavily.” You shift lightly on your feet, fumbling with your water bottle. “I didn’t mean to be unprofessional or cross any boundaries. I just hope that we could maybe move past this, pretend like it didn’t happen?” Smiling, you look up at the taller man, eyes filled with hope. He himself shifts on his feet, “Oh, I didn’t realize we were just clients to you.” You look down with embarrassment, searching for a response. “Uh, I didn’t mean any offense--.”

“I’m just teasin’, doll,” the nickname rolling smoothly off his tongue with a smile. A smile. “Did you really mean what you said, though? About me staring?” Drunk words are sober thoughts, he recalls to himself, having learned the phrase from Torres. You flush, suddenly taking interest in the top of your water bottle rather than the man in front of you. Him speaking with you, much less jokingly is more than foreign territory for you. “I-I mean,” you sputter out, self consciousness taking hold. “I wouldn’t mind being friends with you, of course, I try my best to be friendly with the people I work with” He takes a step closer. “Now, you and I both know that that’s not the part we are talking about.” Your breath hitches. You take in how you feel crowded by him. He’s not exactly within your personal space. Yet.

“Really, I’m the one that should be apologizing.” Bucky says, loosening up. With a sigh, he starts: “I’m sorry to have kept you at arms length all this time. It’s rather difficult for ‘someone like me,’” he dramatically emphasizes with air quotes, “to ‘nurture friendships.’” So says my therapist, he thinks with an internal eye roll. “What’s wrong with me isn’t your fault. I’m just old and cynical.” He pats the outside of your arm in reassurance. You smile, feeling the spot grow warm under his touch. “For the record, I don’t exactly mind that you called me hot, either,” he casually notes. “It’s certainly better than the other reactions I tend to get.” You didn’t think it was possible to blush harder, feeling the warmth creep down your chest. Fuck, you were hoping he wouldn’t mention that part specifically, but you can roll with it. “Well, I do pride myself on being honest, I guess,” you chuckle nervously trying to play it off as cool.

“Y’know, since I had met you, I had been so confused on what to think of you. In all my life, I had never met anyone that was able to do that to me.” His voice darkens. “Care to clue me in as to why?” You feel stuck again, just how you felt last night when he was staring you down at the bar. You attempt to nervously mutter out a response, which instead leaves your mouth gaping open. He closes in on your space, you can feel his body heat radiating off of him. He glances down at your curved lips, light pink and glistening, then back into your doe eyes. “Please, doll, it drives me crazy when you look at me like that,” he uses the nickname again, making your mind spin and your knees a bit weak. “You have no idea what you do to me, do you?”

His eyes drop to your lips again as you stand there, stupefied. His eyes drift downwards to your lips and you almost feel like crumbling under the sudden pressure. He closes in again, sneaking his hands around your waist to pull you in closer. You’re both suspended in silence for a beat, and you think your heart would stop until he continues. “I don’t mean to make things weird, but maybe I like the way you fluster when I look at you.  I’ve been alive for a long, long time, and you’re the first person I’ve met that’s made me feel this way.”

Before you were aware of his movements, he closed the distance. Your eyes flutter shut as you take in the softness of Bucky’s lips, moving slowly and calculating over your own. His grip tightens on your waist, and you feel how the tips of his fingers press into your skin, making your mind go white. You press your body closer to him, breathing heavily as you press your lips against his. He pulls away when he feels your knees buckle gently, chuckling. “Careful, doll. I hope I didn’t make you uncomfortable.” You shake your head in an effort to come to and give him a response. “N-no, It’s fine, you didn’t make me feel uncomfortable.” 

“Good,” he replies, voice darkening. He laughs again, causing you to giggle with him and lean in again.

“You do have a staring problem, though,” Sam chides through the speaker of Red Wing. Thecombat drone floats into your line of sight, hovering menacingly over Bucky’s shoulder. You jump back away from Bucky as if you were burned, feeling embarrassed. Bucky sighs exasperatedly, leaning against the treadmill and shaking his head. “By the way, thanks for finally taking our advice! I have all of that on camera, you know that, right?”

Bucky rolls his eyes with a huff. “Get out of my face, Sam, or I’ll break it.”

[endiness]

Yeah, anyway, friendly reminder that the OP is an alt-right account that made this post to incite the fanbase against Lauren and the show. The headline itself is misleading clickbait that was also meant to incite the fanbase against Lauren and the show. In the original article by Vulture, Lauren states that Henry Cavill was annoying because he was bugging her for the role before scripts had even been written yet (Henry Cavill had not even read the books when he was doing this, btw) and Henry Cavill himself said that he was being annoying.

Also, friendly reminder that Henry Cavill massively over-exaggerated how much of a fan he was of the franchise and how much he knew about it. He hadn't even read the books when he first sought out the role because he thought they were based off the video games, he didn't learn otherwise and even read the books until Lauren told him about them — and he only read the series once back in 2018 right before he was cast, and he's only really played the third game — which he hasn't even played the DLC for.

Also, by his own admission, he didn't actually do any research or preparation for the role at all.

“I asked my agent to put me on the spot and wanted to meet Lauren as soon as possible. I didn’t even need to prepare specially for the role. Because I breathe, I experience this universe every day. I’ve already had many opportunities to think about this character when I was playing the game. My preparation was already done before the casting even began!”

Henry Cavill also started the whole narrative about how important adhering to the source material is to him and how much he pushed for a more book accurate, verbose Geralt in the press for S2 in order to deflect from how he was the one who cut Geralt's lines in S1 in the first place, making his characterization inaccurate to the books. He also lied about the whole thing and tried to act like Geralt was never originally written as being as verbose as he is in the books when he was, he blamed Geralt's lack of dialogue on Yennefer and Ciri's prominence, and he tried to act like the lines he was cutting weren't that important anyway so it didn't really matter that he was cutting them.

Henry Cavill also created that whole narrative about how important the source material is to him as if Lauren's vision of the show was somehow in opposition to the books because he was actually just mad that that he was co-lead with two women and that the show revolves around women so much. (Just fyi for anyone who doesn't know, but Ciri is the main character of the main book series which the show started adapting from S2 onwards and women are central, key figures in the books to the point where the story could not exist without them.)

Henry Cavill was also directly responsible for, or at least had some hand in, a lot of the changes from the books. He cut Geralt's lines, as I've already said.

By his own admission, he didn't want to play Geralt and Jaskier's friendship as being as friendly as they are in the books. So, really, any kind of positivity about Geralt and Jaskier's relationship should solely be attributed to Joey and his performance, tbqfh, as he was the only one actually doing anything in their scenes.

Which even Henry Cavill himself basically admitted, js.

“Joey did all the work, I just had to take the right look and… we had a ready-made 'comedy.’”

Henry Cavill also cut a sex scene between Geralt and Yennefer in S2 because he didn't think it'd be in character of them to have sex after reuniting (it would've been, btw), he nixed the idea of Geralt and Triss even just platonically finding comfort in each other in S2 even though that happens in the books, and due to him not wanting to play Geralt struggling with fatherhood in any way in S2 nor with any character flaws and only positive character traits (because he was overcompensating for how he fucked up Geralt's characterization in S1) that led to the domino effect of Eskel's death, Yennefer's betrayal, and Voleth Meir being the big bad of the season.

Hope that helps!

Tells you everything you need to know about the people making these adaptations.

[stil-lindigo]

So I’m finally up to date with severance, and I can’t stop thinking about s2 ep 6 (specifically the power struggle between miss huang and mr milchick) for one reason in particular. That being, the 2023 gutting of affirmative action.

For context, in 2023 the supreme court ruled that affirmative action, a policy that had required universities to take into account race as one of the many factors that would decide admission, was unconstitutional. Historically, AA had raised black and hispanic students' chances of being admitted into one of the many top schools in the states as one of the many meager measures to combat the inherent racism built into american institutions. As expected, a direct result of ending AA was that black and hispanic admission numbers dropped significantly in the following years, while white enrollment shot up. In MIT alone, black enrollment dropped from 15% to 5%, and hispanic and latino enrollment from 16% to 11%.

The reason why I bring this up, is that the lawsuit that eventually led to AA being rolled back was introduced by Asian-American students, their thesis being that AA forced universities to overlook Asian-Americans' stellar grades and high performances to hand over spots that could've gone to them to other people, purely based on race and policy obligation. The idea was that, statistically, if admissions were only based on academic achievement, Asians would make up 43% of a class rather than 19%.

It's no secret that anti-blackness is a global issue, but this case was particularly incendiary, in no small part due to the fact that although Asian admission received a minor bump in some schools, a lot of their enrollment numbers actually fell after the rolling back of affirmative action.

All this to say - the image of a precocious, ambitious and gifted asian character looking to overtake a clearly qualified, more experienced black character brings to mind a lot of complex discussions about racism in other people of colour.

I constantly think about their interaction in Mr Milchick's office where he mentions he has other duties to attend to that day, and Miss Huang immediately moves to take ownership of his desk. It's almost comical to call it a power struggle when it's between a 12-year-old girl and a man well into adulthood, but I personally feel like it lends this real-life connection more credence. The spear-headers of this lawsuit were Asian-American parents who felt slighted, as if their own children's opportunities were being stolen from them by the "less deserving" (this wording was never formally used as far as I know, but we can all read between the lines here).

and i might be seeing commentary where there isn't any, but i've been really pleasantly surprised at how the show is acknowledging all the uncomfortable and degrading ways anti-black racism would manifest within a white-supremacist cult like lumon so I wouldn't be entirely surprised if the writers wanted to venture into this more layered territory.

anyway. just my two cents. this show is rattling around in my brain like a pebble in a rock tumbler.

[moth-flowers]

moth-flowers #21

[feyburner]

hello, i hope you're doing well, the world keeps getting crazier which means that i'm spending more time on fanfictions and i've been thinking about your jaytim fics. particularly, jason and how human he is when you write him. his awkwardness bc he was dead for a while and then doing. not very good. and how he probably has to catch up on simple stuff like who even taught him how to shave??? sure he learnt how to wire bombs but that didn't leave much time for stuff like sexuality and romance? just some experiences that he was robbed off. also very much interested in your take on jason's morality re: killing and what it means to him. anyways i'll dive back into my jason comic marathon <3

God yeah I think about this all the time, it's one of the things that interests me most about his character. Like how fucked up to die at 15 and wake up at like 18 and immediately launch yourself into your big crazy revenge plot that you think it's going to make you feel less howling animal inside but all it does is destroy your chances at ever having like, a normal interaction. By the time you calm down a little you've basically skipped from 15 to like 20. And everyone around you is also a freak who will never live a normal life and some have even also died but you're the only one missing a huge chunk out of your formative years. (Don't care about conflicting canon timelines or retcons.) (I also like this on a meta level bc it mirrors the fact that Jason was For Real Dead from 1988-2005.)

Re: morality, killing: A lot of his character is about catharsis to me. He is hotheaded and impulsive and direct and unsubtle (see: heads in a duffel bag) in a way the other Bats aren't. Who among us hasn't seen a news story and thought "I don't believe in state-sanctioned violence but damn, someone should kill that guy"? He is the guy who kills that guy. And sometimes it's for "noble" reasons and sometimes it isn't, and sometimes he might like to think it is but it isn't, and sometimes it immediately backfires and makes things worse for the people he is trying to help, and it can and has made him a hypocrite. It is also, I believe, an understandable stance for someone who was murdered as a child by a guy famous for essentially walking around wearing a T-shirt that says "I Love Hurting and Killing People (and I'm Definitely Going to Do It Again)." Bruce doesn't kill people because senseless violence made him an orphan. Jason kills people because senseless violence made him dead. Of course a child who lived and a child who died would look at death from opposite sides. It destroyed both of them at a formative age in opposite ways. Bruce crystallized around the after, and Jason around the before. I think it makes perfect sense that for the rest of their lives they would keep seeing only the after, and only the before, and in doing so keep looking past each other.

I feel like a lot of Jason meta is either "The Bats are so naive, Jason is the only realist" OR "Here's why Batman is right and Jason is an irredeemable monster" or whatever. Neither of those readings are compelling to me. I don't care which character is "right" or "good." If I wanted to read about good people making morally airtight choices I would go read Goofus and Gallant but only the Gallant parts and then kill myself. None of the Bats act in a way that aligns with my real-life morals. I think the "killing question" is most interesting viewed in the context of an individual character's relationship with violence and justice and atonement and forgiveness and consequences and least interesting in the context of pitting characters against each other to determine Who's Right and Who's Wrong.

I wrote the following exchange a while back as an exercise to explore this very topic.

Warning for CSA mention below the cut.

-

“I mean, hell, what if he got hit by a bus? Anyone can die, any time. Think of me as a big angry red bus.” Tim’s eyes on him feel like burning, but not so immediate as fire. More like the warning heat of sunburn: for now a faint prickling, for weeks after an ache. “End of the day? I don’t think he should be alive. I don’t think the state should get to decide who lives and who dies, but I’m not the state. And I know people can be rehabilitated. I know there’s a chance he could change, and never do it again, and spend the rest of his days saving kittens and helping little old ladies cross the street. But from what I’ve seen, this kinda guy, we’re talking a puny fucking chance. There’s people the system fails and people who could be helped by a better system and then there’s people who aren’t gonna fucking change. They’re just gonna keep doing awful shit, because it gets them off. Hurting kids. Hurting anyone they think is less powerful, or less of a person. Fuck that. The thing is, I know they’re people. And I’m a person too. And I don’t have the fucking right. To be the arbiter of fucked-up justice or whatever. But you know what? I can’t find it in me to give a shit. If those scumbags wanna kill me back, they can have at it, that’s their prerogative. Until then, some fuck rapes a five-year-old? No, fuck that. What if he does it again? He’s already done it. Hurt that kid forever. Snuffed out that thing inside them, whatever it is that makes kids think the world isn’t a shitshow. Can’t unring that fucking bell. Why should he—once was too many! Don’t you get it? That kinda guy—once was already too many! Why should he get to do it twice? And so fucking many of ‘em do it twice. Can’t keep your hands off a little kid? Fuck you. Headshot. Problem solved. You can’t change my mind about this, Red. I didn’t make the choice to kill people on a fucking whim. I thought about Hell and decided I’m up for it. Alright? Fuck off.” 

“You don’t have to convince me.” 

“And another thing—” His mouth clicks shut. “I—what?” 

“I said you don’t have to convince me.” Tim examines his glass, tilting the last swallow of watery gin back and forth. “If I were going to argue with you, I suppose I’d quote a statistic about how something like 93% of childhood sexual abuse is perpetuated from within the immediate family, and killing the abuser could drastically destabilize the child’s living situation and potentially place them at risk for other types of harm—”

“There’s nothing stable about—!”

“—but I’m not going to argue with you, because I don’t want to, because frankly I don’t care. I should—some days I’m better, and I do—but I don’t at the moment. Not tonight.” 

Jason stares at him for long enough that Tim grows visibly uncomfortable, shoulders stiffening. 

“What,” he says, eyes darting up to Jason’s, then away. His long fingers never stop playing with the glass, rolling it slowly, tracing the same wet circle on the tabletop. Jason wishes he would just finish his drink. And hold still. 

“You don’t care,” Jason repeats. “Great. Namaste. So what’s with the interrogation?”

“Interr—?” Tim looks startled. “Jason, I was asking.”

-

So yeah.

[kedreeva]

So, bit of a long story but, the mutation has only been around less than 10 years. The birds take around 3 years to hit breeding age, so there's only been a couple generations of them, period. And EVERY mutation so far has worked like a recessive- one copy doesn't show (or shows minimally, like pied/white), two copies means the birds looks different. It's been that way for thousands of years, they've never had a dominant gene, so a LOT of people working with peafowl have no idea genes even CAN work differently than a plain recessive gene. The assumption off the bat was that this was a recessive gene and should work like any other recessive gene.

The OG breeder, Els, is in the Netherlands (or was at the time, I think she moved since) and didn't tell anyone about them for a few years after she got the first one; then, after AI nearly got to her flock and foxes nearly finished the job, she finally in 2021 sold a breeding pair to Jens in Denmark and later to Isabella in.... I think Italy, but don't quote me. Jens took DNA to actual geneticists to try to suss out what it was, something I can't do (he still doesn't have an answer last I heard). All of that was going down in countries I don't have much contact with. The UPA (United peafowl association, the folks in charge of peafowl mutation validation and news in the USA) only publicly announced YM in 2022. The birds only arrived here to the USA in 2023, and Bill DID immediately come to me then, when things didn't add up.

Brad won't ever come to me about anything for any reason; as seen above, he thinks he knows everything and wouldn't lower himself to speak to a girl about his specialty, and I've had to block at least one of his kids for being a complete dickwad, too. And, y'know, I'm pretty okay with not ever engaging with a guy who runs a puppy mill for peafowl. He is also.... kind of the problem. Before I put out my genetics guide in 2018, Brad was the person people would go to, to ask genetics questions (and I'm sure that someone in this chain did) and Brad... well. He gatekeeps info. People go to him to ask questions and if he ever responds - and he doesn't always - he may or may not give anyone the info they want. He behaves as if it is a great burden to explain anything to anyone, and doesn't usually treat it as worthwhile unless they're fawning over him in public. The problem is..... he doesn't know. I say he gatekeeps info but the reality, as near as I can tell, is that he doesn't have it. He has practical knowledge. If you ask him "if I breed x to y what will I get" he can tell you, because he has seen the results enough times to roughly understand how a recessive transfers in practice. But he doesn't actually understand the genetics that go along with that, and so tells people to look it up themselves. He's the embodiment of "if you give a man a fish he'll eat for a day" because he can tell you over and over and over what any pairing will make, but not how to get there on your own because he doesn't actually know, and he gets frustrated answering each individual pairing because he can't teach anyone to fish. And that kind of attitude has spread the idea that if you know stuff, you don't share it. Which makes it harder for people to go to those who DO have knowledge and want to share it (like me and Lori, the other lady who has a lot of genetics knowledge), because they think they won't get it anyway (or that someone will make them pay money for it, like Josh does).

Anyway, for birds that take 3 years to mature, and having only been around a few years, this pretty much DID come to me as quickly as possible.

So of the two people in the entire USA that are currently breeding Ultramarine (think, peacock with the blue cranked to 13), the one I'm not friends with has just listed up a 2024 cock for auction. It's going to be interesting to see the end price, as this will determine the 2025 price of the mutation (and its rate of decline, as last year was the first year any were available ever).

Last year the auction ended at $6,800 for one male. In a really funny (to me) twist, he sent a blue to the winner instead of an ultramarine, because despite gloating that he was able to tell and my friend wasn't, he couldn't tell the difference in yearlings, either. It'll be EXTREMELY FUNNY if he does the same fuckin' thing this year. (and he did replace the bird, so the winner got the right bird eventually, it was just. very embarrassing for the self-proclaimed leader of peafowl breeding to be so wrong after bragging so much).

If you, like me, are nosy and want to keep an eye on the auction (and the others with het birds) and see where it ends, here is a link!

For reference, this is an ultramarine feather:

And this is an ultramarine bird from my friend's stock:

But they look almost exactly the same as blues when they're babies, and only start to really look different as 2yo birds.

So, it'll be interesting to watch go down again.

There's also a listing on here for UM feathers, I believe he's selling a dropped train, but I'm not sure of the number of feathers included in the lot, so maybe ask before spending a lot.

[dreamsy990]

GOD DESIGNS TAKE 2 im much happier with these ones. also calypso and circe here now. once again gonna discuss all my ideas behind the designs and the changes i made to the old ones THIS TIME WITH PROPER GRAMMAR. you guys should consider yourself lucky. so yeah closeups and explanations under the cut

(lineup for scale btw)

So some general notes before I get into the specific designs. These guys are mostly an excuse to make designs that can be just about anything! I operate off the idea that gods can choose how they appear (within some limitations), and so they can just look however they like. The big in-universe limitation with them is that any scars or injuries they may have can't be hidden in any way. For recognizability reasons, I try to always include their main symbols or some allusion to their domain in their designs, and for personal preference, I like to give all the gods weird looking eyes.

Aeolus

My Aeolus design hasn't changed very much at all since my first sketch of them. I like the idea of Aeolus as sort of fluid in shape, mostly just looking like a bunch of clouds that reshapes itself however they like. This sort of abstract and a little cartoony aspect of them led to me giving them a silhouette like an old cartoon character! Their design honestly isn't meant for coloring in this style, but whenever I do color them, I like to make it mostly light pink and blue. Subtly trans-colored Aeolus my beloved.

Hermes

Hermes mostly just changed with coloring. I have an obsession with very limited palettes, and I feel a little bad giving one to Hermes of all characters, but honestly I'm the most proud of his design. I gave him a messenger bag in some of my earliest sketches of him and I've loved that element ever since. The biggest change here is the jacket! Not period typical at all but it's so iconic to Troy and COME ON HE NEEDED IT. I think it makes his silhouette a lot more interesting, even if I simplified the rest of his outfit to compensate. I might do another pass to try and add some color back to him, but for right now this design feels very fun.

Athena

My Athena design has stayed very consistent since I settled on committing to the bird aspect, so thank @irunaki for being an owlthena truther (SOMEONE PLEASE REMIND ME TO DRAW IRUNAKIS ATHENA BTW). Not that I color her much like an owl. This pass at Athena I mostly used to simplify the blue. I needed to include it on her design, but I've been struggling with how for a while, and adding it as just a subtle accent on a mostly grey and black design felt very fitting. Visually she might read more like a magpie than an owl, but that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make!

Anyway, Athena here is meant to read as very visually closed off, with her face partially obscured and her wings wrapped around herself like a cloak. I want her to have a lot of distance between herself and others at most times, and I think that does nicely. The shadow over her eye was an aspect I added before I found out she lost an eye, which is a funny coincidence. I also designed her to both parallel and contrast my Odysseus design. They both have cloaks that partially obscure them, they both have scars on their faces (although Athena is able to hide hers), but they have opposite color schemes (Athena being mostly blue black and silver while Odysseus is red white and gold). On a personal note, I like the idea of Athena resembling Poseidon. Not for any thematic reasons, I just think it's fun. So she has a grey-ish skintone like him (to a lesser extent, but still) and long black hair, too. I love designs that resemble other designs.

Apollo

I believe I actually originally took inspiration from Gigi's Hermes, But I think he's different enough by now that the resemblance doesn't really exist anymore. He was also the start of my idea to draw the gods with weird looking eyes, so I refuse to change his. I don't actually have all that much to say about him? My original notes for him were that he should be a WHORE and I hope that idea has stuck lmao. He's probably the oldest design here (minus Athena, but my early sketches of her are pretty unrecognizable) and yet I'm still very happy with him. My biggest struggle with design is that I DESPERATELY wanted to color his hair like GinjaNinja's oc Kynthia but I have NO CLUE where to start with coloring like that. So we must suffer. Thaaats all I have to say on Apollo. I think a couple people in the Epic discord really liked him lol.

Hephaestus

I FORGOT TO DRAW HEPHAESTUS THE FIRST TIME OH MY GOD. I'M SO SORRY HEPHAESTUS FANS I LITERALLY FORGOT HE EXISTED. His design gave me the MOST trouble in coloring, I had to completely redo it partway through. I'm still somewhat unhappy with him, but oh well. I like Hephaestus looking very much like a sort of intimidating father who's actually really sweet, and I think I got that look across. He's got a resting bitch face but he is so nice. I gave him glasses on impulse, and it sort of completes the dad look to me. He's got some burn scars under his gloves from working in the forge, for an extra detail. I made all the other gods scars gold, but I think burn scars work differently than normal scars? I need to do more research, sorry! I love Hephaestus though. I'll probably end up doing another take on him if I feel like drawing him again, but it's nice to have at the least something down.

I liked the initial idea behind my Aries design, but it felt very poorly executed before. I'm a bit unhappy with this take still, but I like it better than I did before! I decided to make all the gods scars gold, so his are recolored accordingly, and I made myself bring the red back into his design. Again, he's meant to have a resemblance to Athena while still contrasting her. So he's also very animalistic, with him being more of a dog of some kind (I DEFINITELY took the dog idea from someone else but I CAN'T remember who). He's got roughly the same outfit, but a scarf instead of a cloak, so he looks less controlled and closed off than she does. Anyway, I dislike this specific drawing of him, but I like the general idea of this Ares, so I'll figure it out eventually. Definitely the one I'm least happy with here. I like the drawing without his helmet, though, I think he's cute :>

Aphrodite

So my Aphrodite design initially wasn't very thought out. I originally just sort of threw something together and called it a day, and I wasn't happy with it, but I also wasn't sure which direction I'd like to go with her. This time, uh, I actually have the same problem. I ended up liking this take on her a lot more, though! She takes a lot of inspiration from Rose Quartz, which WAS on purpose actually. There's also once again a lot of inspiration taken from Gigi's Aphrodite design, specifically in the outfit. I feel like with Aphrodite there's a lot of temptation to just give her a dress, but I like her looking a little too casual for any given scenario. I like this one a lot.

Hera

THIS ISN'T MY PEAK DESIGN BUT BY GOD I'M JUST HAPPY I MADE THIS STUPID DRESS WORK. The original inspiration for this idea comes from this video by June and their design for their character Hokoto in a Miraculous au. That specific design for some reason is INGRAINED into my mind and every time I draw a character in some way inspired by peacocks, that's what comes to mind. I think this design is pretty distinct from that one. AUGH I don't have much to say on her just look at my favorite old lady I love her she's so pretty.

Poseidon

ABSOLUTE CRYPTID!!! SEA MONSTER ENERGY!!!!!!! I was like "lets make poseidon a little cunty and a little bit of a weird creature" AND IT WAS THE GREATEST DECISION I HAVE EVER MADE. Cut out the blue from his design entirely to just be grey, and I think I like that decision. I also think the Epic discord liked him because I sent my sketch of him and someone responded with "why he kinda" so I TAKE THAT AS A WIN!! Absolute bastard man I hope Odysseus stabs him more.

Zeus

HATE THIS GUY HATE THIS GUY HATE THIS GUY. Absolute freak man I hope Hera brutally murders him. Anyway, I love this design, just not this specific drawing of it lol. I wanted his hair to look like clouds originally, but wasn't sure how to do that without stepping on Aeolus' toes, until I had the sudden idea that they should be stormclouds instead! So that's pretty cool. His scarf kinda looks like lightning. Also. Bro put your tits away. That is all I have to say on Zeus.

Circe

Didn't want to copy Gigi's design here, and I think I did a pretty good job of not doing that. She had brown eyes originally, but I asked the Epic discord what they thought and they decided yellow eyes looked better on her (AND THEY WERE RIGHT). I gave her yellow roses too (not sure if they read as roses though), because 1) aromantic Circe is real and true and 2) I just liked the idea of her having the least romantic version of a flower very associated with romance as part of her design. Her ass is not into you! I hope she kills and maims! Wanted to give her a snake earring but you couldn't see her ears here so. Just assume she has one of those.

Calypso

Okay, so this Calypso design basically appeared fully formed in my sketchbook a little while ago. I've changed very little except adding red flowers. Why? NO REASON actually there is a reason. I was writing a Calypso-centric fic and I mentioned her having bright red flowers in her hair and then I just made that part of my vision of her. Gave her uh, a weird fish net thing for lack of a better word? Because it made her more interesting and gave me island vibes. Which is what Calypso should be doing! I wanted to include more red on her design so the flowers didn't feel a bit out of place, so I gave her some red on her other accessories. I THINK SHE'S CUTE AND I LIKE HER. Man these notes got less and less design-related as I went along, huh. Oh well, I'm done now. Those are my god designs +2 because I consider nymphs their own category (Is Circe a nymph? I'm pretty sure she is but I don't care enough to check)

[leashybebes]

37 pls? 👀

pretend i've engaged with literally any vampire media since buffy, i guess 👀 (unless dracula daily counts). ALSO pretend this didn't accidentally run to like 1000+ words, what the hell.

It's almost a joke, really. A vampire who hates the taste of blood. Tommy's a loner - all vamps are if they have any sense, not so much because of safety anymore, but because they're territorial and temperamental - but he's run with enough clans over the decades, had enough contact with others to know it's not like that for everyone. He's heard people rhapsodize about the taste of honey and life and sunlight, which - he doesn't get how two thirds of that taste like anything. But to him, blood tastes like sucking on a penny. 

He's not an idiot - he needs it, he's not going to deny himself, especially when the twenty-first century is home to such civilized ways of getting it, but he's never going to lose his mind over it. He craves it if he goes too long without, but in the way he remembers craving food as a human, not the way he - very vaguely - remembers craving the taste of his mother's mutton stew. He's wondered a few times if that's what's kept him from going feral over the years. Maybe the idea of tearing throats out left and right would hold more appeal if blood tasted like ambrosia and whipped cream or whatever the fuck Sal was going on about for those few years they ran together in the forties.

But regardless, it's been a week, and Tommy has an appointment at the bank. It's not the kind of hidden away place that he and others like him used to be forced to frequent. It's a welcoming building, staffed by a mix of humans and vamps where humans can volunteer their services. Volunteer is a misnomer, though - people get paid. Tommy doesn't know the details of it, but he understands it's very satisfying. There are health checks, rules, security. Limits on donations. It's not enough to live on, but it's a nice supplement for a lot of people.

From the average vampire's perspective, it's pretty perfect - there are forms to fill out to state your preference in humans: gender, age, diet, things like that. Tommy always just checks any, but for a nominal fee (nominal relative to a couple centuries of accumulated wealth, anyway) he has a regular supply of blood and all he has to do is metaphorically pinch his nose and try not to taste it. It works for the humans, too, and not just the ones that get paid - rogue vamp attacks are at an all time low, and the sense of safety in the general populace has probably never been higher. Tommy wouldn't know. He tends to avoid the general populace whether it's human or vamp or anything else.

He checks in, scans the paperwork, signs off on Buckley, Evan, 28, no regular medication, non-smoker, occasional drinker, omnivorous diet and gets directed to one of the private rooms.

Buckley, Evan, 28 etc. etc., is already there, sitting cross-legged on the padded chaise and reading a book with an expression of concentration on his face. He looks up when Tommy opens the door and Tommy thinks, oh, beautiful. He's as big as Tommy - never mind that Tommy could throw him through the wall one handed if the mood took him - and he has stunning blue eyes, a splash of pinkish-red above one of them, and they crinkle in the corner as he smiles.

"Hi there. I'm Evan. Buck's fine, though."

Tommy tries not to wrinkle his nose. He's aware it makes him a rank hypocrite, but the human obsession with nicknames has always eluded him.

"Hi, Evan. I'm Tommy."

Evan folds down a corner of the page he was on and tosses his book aside, shrugging out of his zip-up sweatshirt to reveal a short-sleeved, slightly threadbare tee underneath. It leaves little to the imagination, and Tommy has a very vivid imagination.

"Elbow or wrist, pick your poison," Evan says, offering one arm. 

Tommy takes a seat next to him. Throat is quickest and would be his preference - get it over with before the taste can register too much - but it's frowned upon.

"Elbow," Tommy says, and cradles Evan's arm in his hands. He's so warm. So soft despite the muscle. He lowers his head and pauses. "Paperwork said non-smoker."

And look, he doesn't care, not really. It's not going to make it taste any better or worse, but if Evan's lied on his paperwork and something happens, Tommy could be liable.

"Firefighter," Evan says. "Sorry. I showered a bunch, but it lingers. And I guess with your sense of smell…"

"Yeah," Tommy says. "Okay."

He runs his thumb over the soft skin on the inside of Evan's elbow, lets his fangs descend. He feels Evan shiver, and it must be a reflex because the sour tang of fear completely fails to fill the room.

"On three," he says, and hears Evan chuckle.

"That's sweet. Thank you."

Tommy doesn't say that it's largely for his own benefit, to psych himself up for the awful taste to flood his mouth.

"One. Two. Three."

His fangs pierce the soft, pale skin and - 

He's -

In paradise.

He pulls away after the tiniest taste, looks up at Evan with wild eyes. Evan looks…concerned.

"You okay, big guy?"

"That - " Tommy says, the word coming out misshapen and slurred around his fangs, around that taste. "You taste - "

"Uh - should I - should I call somebody?"

"No!" Tommy's aware he said it too quickly, too emphatically. "You taste incredible."

"Oh." Evan looks weirdly pleased by that. 

"Set - set the timer," Tommy says. He never needs a timer. He has it down to a fine art - choke it down for long enough to sustain him until next time and get out, but - god, he'd take every drop if he could. He'd drown in that taste if he could.

"Already did," Evan says. "Clock's ticking."

Tommy groans and falls against him, his mouth returning to the pin-pricks of red at his elbow, lets himself bite harder, until that flavor bursts over his tongue again. And he gets it. He gets it. Sunshine and sugar and sex and heat and a thousand indescribable things. Buckley, Evan, 28, etc. is not only the most handsome creature Tommy's seen in decades, he also tastes like everything he's ever heard people rave about. 

The clock is ticking, and Tommy drinks and drinks and drinks, more in one go than he has in years, knows he's lost, knows he has to have this for the rest of Evan's life.

[spread-the-influence]

do you ever deal with a loss of motivation when working on the comic? how do you overcome it and if not, what drives you to consistently draw and push out all those comic pages? im honestly extremely inspired and have been planning on making a comic on my own, but i worry when it comes to consistent posting

honestly ? i'm just neurodivergent . i get Hopelessly fixated on my own stories , especially if i am particularly passionate about them . that's one thing i guess . get Too Excited over telling your story . every chapter in this thing has so many scenes i want to get to and sometimes an entire chapter is exciting itself . t.i has thrown me in her basement and will only let me go if i finish the comic

but it isn't Motivation per se ? because i'll be lying if i said that i've always been Motivated to draw every page in this comic because No . there were Many pages where it was a Slog to go through and chapter 1 and 2 was full of them I'm Going To Be Honest . it's more like a Drive , if that makes sense . while i am not excited or passionate about the Boring scenes , i still find enjoyment in doing them because it means i'll get closer to the scenes i actually Like ! .

in other terms ; think about what makes you want to finish the comic . are there scenes you just Can't wait to get to ? do you think you're telling a very important message ? do you just want to see your main character ( and the readers ) suffer ? let yourself think about why you're even creating the comic , and go with that . for me , i want to finish this comic because it'll be so Satisfying if we get to The Point Where Ragatha Completely Loses It

when you're doing a long-term art thing , you need to associate it with positive feelings . you'll be a lot more inclined to finish something if the very thought of doing so does not make you feel miserable . if you don't feel any joy in the creation process , either step back and think why you don't , or just throw away the story entirely . you're your own client And manager , the only demand you have to meet is your own . so make it great for you .

anyways , ramble over ! here's one Very important pointer that i need to leave you off with , anon :

MAKE A COMIC BUFFER . as in , draw pages in advance before you start posting ! i promise you the reason why i can post batches of pages consistently is because i am drawing a sketchy , monochrome comic + i am a pretty fast artist . so , make as many as you can . generally if you are an artist that needs frequent breaks and is easily burnt out , a months worth of buffer could help . this is so you wouldn't be constantly drawing + if you want to take a break you wouldn't be posting off-schedule .

[roguevexvoid]

Oh man I've been thinking about this a lot keeping up with the Alterhuman Tumblr Comm. I'm glad the space is there and I try to be active as an older person so people know we are still here even if we don't participate as much as we used to.

But I can only scroll through so many posts obviously made by people under 25 before I start to check put. And of course no disrespect to anyone that young but as said above, I just can't relate to that anymore, I mean I *have* a kid closer to those ages than I am.

I remember, when I first joined Therian and Otherkin forums I was 19 and I felt like a baby compared to so many of the other members around me who were 10, 15, 20+ years older than I was, rarely did I see someone who was still in high-school (and again, I'm glad the community is more visible and the resources readily available for all these kids)

Idk, I just miss having community with alterhumans closer to my age (closer to 40 than 30 these days) but I'm terrible at remembering to participate in discord servers, and honestly don't really like them for actual community stuff because it can be hard to track conversations and info via instant messaging. The Tumblr comes are a but easier that way but the main one is huge and skews so young it's difficult.

There are probably still things I could write about concerning my own identities, it can be hard to find the time and energy for the words, and a lot of it, as Wolfislost said it just *is* I've done most of my figuring out.

Similarly I don't think trying to get a meet up going in my IRL space would work very well for hanging with actual adults and more than likely I'd end up being the oldest there anyways.

Im all down for a 25+ Tumblr comm if anyone wants to make that, I guess it's just a question of how much traffic that would actually attract if so many of us old people are less/inactive.

One thing they don't tell you about being an adult therian is that much of the online community gradually feels more and more alienating. Posts about wearing gear to school or writing about your theriotype at college stop feeling relatable. And it's admittedly hard not to get grumpy about it. Sure, occasionally you see some insights about working a 9 to 5 when you're a dog, or managing your appointments when you're a bird, but most of the short-form writings you come across feel less like the relevant ramblings of your peers, and more like looking through a window at a life you had to leave behind. I don't miss school, good gods, nothing could ever make me wish I was 16 again. But I do miss the relative simplicity of it, and the ease with which I related to other school-age therians.

[raileurta]

Hello, I was just curious on when are you going to update your A03 book of 'My Transformers Writing'?

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.

*leaves scenario behind*

Sam (and probably Cade) meets TFP transformers and is being how they're very sane compared to his world. In comes Miko proving him wrong... Who then introduces Sam to Unicron to which he is now rethinking his life choices.

Sam, after meeting the TFP Autobots: Finally, a universe were you are all not insane (to OP), and hey! Ratchet is still alive😊

Ratchet: I'm still what??? What do you mean I'm still alive?! Did something happen to me?!!!

O.P: Calm down old friend, I'm there is a reason to his... words.... Sam what do you mean that we're not insane?

Cade: Let's just say you guys went through a lot of sh*t the longer you stayed here on earth

The Autobots: What?😀

Oh I'll do that soon. I've just been procrastinating and it's just really annoying to transfer my writing from Tumblr.

*Picks up the scenario and inspects it*

Yeah lmao. I have made some dabbles/ideas about Sam in tfp. (Haven't posted any of them yet though.) The contrast for them would be very jarring to experience. Sam and Cade's definition of normal moral-ish autobot behavior would be extremely low. Then they meet Miko and they're like: ooooooh so this is where the crazy went. Because let's be real here she's low-key insane sometimes and I'll keep repeating this to the day I die. /Affectionate

Anyways Sam is used to all kinds of magical bs so honestly I think he would take this in stride. He's already met the thirteen primes so this is not too much of a new experience for him. Cade on the other hand? Hmmm hard to say; he probably be freaked out but then again he's smooching crazy OP so idk.

Tfp finding out about Ratchet's death would be so horrible for them. Not only was he killed in such a terrible way but he was also melted down too like common scrap. I feel this would make the tfp crew a bit protective of Ratchet afterwards. Especially with the kids and Fowler when the other autobots would leave. I wonder if the kids would be distrustful of Fowler after that for a bit too. Yeah he's a decent guy but he still works for the government. And come on would you trust the American government to handle alien relations? I don't think so.

Also sidenote I want tfp Optimus to crush on Cade big time. His little human aft can pull "Give me your face" prime so I think he could pull this big bot too.

[alwaysforyouscully]

So I have a few Gillovny thoughts running around in my head...

I wrote this years ago and never posted it so I decided this was as good a time as any to get it out.

****

The general consensus is that D&G hooked up from day one. They auditioned, then fell into bed but I have a different take, so hear me out.

Gillian is young and wants to make an impression, she knows she wasn't the first pick for Scully so she tries extra hard. David was there to help as he had more experience and I'm sure he found her intriguing. Plus G had to have found out about his reputation and the fact he also had a girlfriend in LA. I suspect she wouldn't have wanted to start an affair with her co-star and break up a relationship day one, especially after we heard how she felt when her boyfriend cheated on her. She also said later that David was dangerous and to her, I bet he was. She knew once the line was crossed there would be no going back.

Jump forward a few years and things have certainly changed and I believe this is when the party started, as it were. Though I think they both had feelings for each other early on (D&Gs comments in the ET interview about getting hurt) they didn't act until S3-ish. There is a definite shift and they just didn't hide the fact they were happy together. I really think things would have been fine if Gillian hadn't started to outshine David. Clearly they are both head over heals for each other but David was always the star, lead actor, top billing on TXF until now. When they are both winning awards, it was fine but G surpassed him and I bet things got tense. How else to you explain going from hot and heavy, S3 wrap party and the Golden Globes, to David marrying Tea a few months later (and yes G won an Emmy an D didn't). I've always thought David saw an opportunity to distance himself from Mulder and Scully by getting a wife outside the fandom and more of a movie star/power couple thing, that he couldn't have openly with Gillian. Sadly you can see how it hurt G so another reason to believe the really were a couple at this time.

On to S7. I suspect Tea found out soon enough that D was in love with G, it's pretty hard to hide. You can again see a shift in their on screen work too. David writes Amor Fati, those words meant something to him and he wanted to say them to Gillian. His whole, "let's move the show to LA so I can sleep with my wife" was super harsh but what I found funny is during Paley how absolutely torn up he was that G dated Rodney during this time. It proves to me that even though he broke it off with G, he still felt jealous of her with someone else. Also let's not forget there were lots of rumblings about D&T and their stormy relationship and I thought for sure they would break up after West was born but then there was Miller. Not surprisingly G moves out of LA and out of the US in 2002.

2006 is a turning point again. Gillian really struggled after the show ended, the Julian mess and the bad press, she was lost and David was too. Gillian not being at arm's reach in LA was hard on him. I believe she was (and is, his tether). Anyway, D&G reconnect with talks for IWTB and I know the whole conspiracy theory around Mark. I really don't know how I feel about that, tbh but I think the Phoenix rose from the ashes and Gillovny was reborn during IWTB. Thankfully by 2008 D&T were over and I think Mark was too, if the premieres are any indication.

By 2010, Gillian is at David's play and we get some of the best Gillovny evidence by way of the birthday press announcements, (David's, Gillian's and Felix's) these cannot be coincidental, not by a long shot. As the next few years played out you had the 20th anniversary cons and events. There are sightings, blinds and denials, denials, denials (ps. No need to deny if it wasn't true). The fandom was so whipped up by the time S10 rumors started you could have lit up NY with all the social media energy! Life was good for Gillovny, Gillian working in the US and Canada, close to David. David writing and has free time to go where G is, good times folks, good times. So what happened to the love in 2016?

This is a touchy subject but I really think D&G are still together in 2016 but Gillian wanted to make one last push at stardom. I think she has more she wants to say but is running out of time, in her mind. So, here is what I think happened. Gillian wants to stick closer to London, there are too many eyes in the US and she wants to establish herself as someone other than Dana Scully. She makes a deal with Netflix and part of the deal was to clean up PMs image. She never thought the 'love' connection would happen. I base this on the schmoopie shirt, she did that on purpose so there would be no doubt where her heart lay. This is proven by the total lack of credible press. As days went on and David was still single and looked fine (supposedly after losing G) and Gillian looked like she was going in for a root canal every time she was with PM.

***

This is where I stopped writing way back then, fitting I guess since the fandom crashed and burned after that. In the crazy world of D&G, we suddenly ended up in 24-25 with a Podcast visit and a cute Gillovny awards show presentation and suddenly everything is right with the world again.

You've got to love Gillovny...♥️

[tubbytarchia]

I’ve recently rewatched dl and I wanted to find out if you had any thoughts on Pearl and Scott’s dynamic.. (double life or general idm)

BOY DO I. SIT DOWN

I've talked lots about Scott before, of how he twists the narrative the most and treats most relationships more as transactional. I will now immediately follow that sentence up with dear god please don't assume I hate Scott he's so interesting and compelling PLEASE don't think I hate him I beg of you I LIKE HIM I don't think he's evil and a villain he's just a bit fucked up like everyone else PLEASE just. believe me

Me ^

Anyway now that that's out of the way. Scott I think has an innate need for connection but denies it in favor of weaving his own narrative that he is in control of, especially so in Third Life where to me, it feels like he sought out to find a tragic love story and he got exactly that, from his perspective anyway, what with the final sequence of him meeting Jimmy again in some imagined afterlife, the one part that was scripted and it shows. Love is a variable that he can't afford the risk of. I think the story with Jimmy that he weaved was more important to him than genuine affection. In Double Life he admits to having whittled Jimmy down to nothing in order to get something from him. But then along comes Last Life

In Last Life, whatever it was, something about Pearl really appealed to him if even subconsciously and he very genuinely cared about her imo. And that was a relationship that oddly enough started as purely transactional yet quickly developed into the most meaningful one I think Scott has had. Even when he faltered in returning Pearl's affection fully, Pearl didn't care and stood by him. Well exemplified by the time he kind of froze when Pearl was boogey killed by Lizzie, but Pearl didn't even think to hold his inaction against him. (Especially fun contrasted with Pearl accidentally breaking the rules in killing boogey Joel for killing Scott lol)

But all of that was the variable that Scott sought to avoid, so in Double Life he immediately uses what he can as an excuse to ostracize Pearl, almost as if to punish her for the crime of. loving? And I'm not about to claim that Pearl is wholly innocent but I'd argue that was unwarranted. Cleo and Scott are a great dynamic in a vacuum but unfortunately Cleo is also quite terrible (but then who isn't. It's a death game, they all are. Sorry I have to keep making these remarks because otherwise I get labelled a hater) and unfortunately fuels all the worst traits in Scott while Scott very readily sticks to her. They remain an encouraging pillar to Scott, it's just that the things being encouraged are like. Their ritual to slice each other with axes at full force just to stick it to Martyn and Pearl. Pearl often gets compared to Scott as equally physically harmful but idk personally I don't think the snow bucket compares to start-of-every-session-near-death-axe-crit routine. That's again not to say that she's innocent

Upon Scott spreading completely unfounded claims about her being crazy and malicious, she starts to adopt those claims. What else is she to do to get by? She has been nice to most players and nearly none of them want her around because of rumors despite her causing harm on accident at worst. She comes close to finally finding friends in Jimmy (Tango as well but mostly Jimmy), but ruins her chances by briefly playing into Martyn's "prank" and giving him Jimmy's horn without realizing it's importance to Jimmy, after which Jimmy tells her that she's no longer welcome on the ranch. She's effectively lost everyone and it is 90% due to Scott, not due to her actually acting the way she's claimed to as she only starts to go down that path after repeated rejection (sure she let herself be physically hurt to get at Scott, but it wasn't because of malice or having lost her mind, her doing so was reasonable anyhow but got twisted into something it wasn't. It's still wrong on her part and I do think she goes at least a bit insane as Scarlet Pearl surfaces, but the point is that she wasn't that when Scott started painting her that way)

Even in the very end, Scott retains control. He retained control of not only his narrative but contributed to most others' as well, painting Pearl as the exact character he wanted her to be known as in every POV outside of her own. And as they stand face to face as the last two survivors, Scott denies her any chance to change things, taking his own life instead whilst painting himself as noble in doing so

Scott is incredibly self-sacrificial but only when he gets something out of it, and because it allows him yet more control. He wants to be able to control when he dies, and he also gets to turn it into utmost grandiose statements of nobleness when he does, which then changes others' perception of him accordingly and directly or indirectly allows Scott to get something in exchange. His suicide in DL is no different, it was for him, not for Pearl

In Secret Life Scott also instils the idea of Pearl being untrustworthy in Gem

Wild Life. grrrr. Wild Life.............clenches fist. Pearl's personal hell

I think you can infer I was. scared to say the least about Pearl upon seeing her alliance in Wild Life. In the end though I ended up just being immensely sad and disappointed. Just about nothing worked out for Pearl, only for her trauma to be mocked repeatedly by Scott and Cleo

Pearl imo shows so many signs of regression, and she holds onto Impulse as the one member of her team that isn't actively taunting her, making it a goal for herself to see Impulse win, and it is that: for her, for anything to go her way, not so much for Impulse as much as she does genuinely care for him. She really doesn't spend that much time with him, she just needs a goal to work towards for her own sake. Pearl being unstable, untrustworthy and especially pathetic are all things that continue to get enforced within the alliance, where she's often spoken to like a ticking time bomb and the team's destructiveness gets relegated to her specifically. She recognizes not feeling good about it but she doesn't recognize everything that's at play in the social dynamics of their alliance or the extent of it

She becomes scared of people becoming resentful of her were she to make mistakes all the while Scott and Cleo start enabling her worst tendencies, aka Scarlet Pearl. They don't do this a large degree but they do make an explicit point of it, or at least Cleo does. Cleo is also however, if even vaguely, trying to mend the relationship between her and Pearl, where they occasionally encourage and defend her although it's not to a significant enough degree for Pearl to really realize. After Gem's death, Cleo is also there to help although Pearl is too distraught to appreciate it

While Gem's largely the catalyst for the "pathetic" notion that Pearl adopts to her detriment over the course of Wild Life, it only affects Pearl as strongly as it does due to her having gone through what she has, and because she's in a largely unloving alliance that fuels and reminds her of her wrongdoing. Just compare her mental state here to the one in Secret Life with the Mounders. Although it does have importance to her because she seeks reconciliation, she isn't allowed to forget about Double Life, she's not allowed to heal and grow around the grief of what's happened to her

And the final two notable incidents in her and Scott's relationship are 1. Her being made to feel like she needs to kill Scott, which she doesn't and ends up picking her own method of killing him to retain any semblance of choice, and 2. best summarized by my friend's Pearl POV analysis: "Scott is wearing my clothes. instead of villainizing me, our “reconciliation” has encouraged him to embrace the qualities he thinks I represent. he matches me, and we don’t talk about our past"

I state again that I like Scott, I like Cleo, I don't think they're evil or villains, at the very least in no cut-and-dry way. They're flawed and compelling and although I feel sad for Pearl and see Scott as largely at fault for what's happened to her, I care about Scott too and he's easily in the top 5 of most intricate Life characters to me that I enjoy dissecting

You know like. enjoying any character in any other fandom that is morally reprehensible in any way. I don't know why that's such a wild concept in traffic but sigh. I have to disclaim this unfortunately

[transgenderer]

i don't think love songs would be much out of place in most of history! certainly in many (most? almost all? metric on cultures...) cultures marriage from passionate love was not the norm. but, from what i've read, it seems like "young people who fall in love and refuse to be married to anyone else" are a known phenomenon, you have to deal with them!

in particular thinking of "village life in late tsarist russia", where arranged marriages are the norm but passionate marriages are a known phenomenon. i believe a similar phenomenon is discussed in we, the tikopia. and tahitians as described by levy have social institutions remarkably similar to modern dating (series of monogamous sexual-romantic relationships in youth, followed by living with a partner, and if you are compatible, staying together), which i THINK are not significantly influenced by western dating norms, altho he's studying them late enough that they could have been. the mbuti seem to often do love marriages rather than arranged marriages. also while india famously has a tradition of arranged marriage, they also have a long tradition of passionate marriages in fiction

it's true that in all these cultures marriage was centrally an economic institution. but it's complicated, right, it's not JUST an economic institution, it's also someone you have children with, and are physically intimate with, and spend a lot of time together with. and in fiction/music, where economic concerns fade away, the aspects more resembling modern relationships come to the fore

ANYWAY for history of music, there's tons of old love music! the ancient had lots of love songs, most famously sappho but there's lots of bits of it. there's a love poem in the bible, song of songs! (presumably sung? i mean. given the title). then there's the medieval courtly love theme, which also found expression in song. this is courtly love, so it's a bit different from companionate love of course. but music is more about feeling than the specific arrangement, and the feeling of courtly love, of devotion and unworthiness and all that, still very much extant. and apparently love songs did even better during the renaiisance (now shifted away from courtly love). the hunter-gatherer fiction/songs i know is usually stories/myths rather than about emotions... archilochus was famous for being the first in the greek tradition to write primarily about this own feelings, rather than about epics and stuff. so i guess we shouldnt expect love songs to have existed in the early greek tradition... there's the shiu-sin love poem, 4000 years old, but that's kind of a weird case. rumi is maybe the most famous persian poet, and love poems were one of his main things! im having trouble telling if they were traditionally set to music. i think so, but not sure

it's strange, right? the institution of pairing has been so variable throughout history, but it seems there is an emotion, not always associated with long-term pairing, that has remained the same, at least in its intensity, the terrible highs and lows

TL,DR: its popularity has waxed and waned but i think the love song, meaningfully similar to our modern love song, has been one of the main types of songs for at least the last 2000 years

it's already kinda weird that our society's idea of romance and marriage is overwhelmingly western individualism style romantic love ("the companionate marriage ideal"), which was not the historic norm, and today it struck me as very weird that the companionate marriage ideal is the dominant theme in the pop music you cannot escape when you go out in public

it's hard to make a historical comparison since "music, playing everywhere" is a new phenomenon, but my understanding is that if you somehow gave the "music everywhere all the time" power to a randomly chosen pre 18th century society, they'd probably play religious music? or work songs, or epic poems?... these are guesses, I don't read much about music or history (after hunter gatherer times anyway)

so I just wanted to appreciate being in this pretty weird situation, where the public ~aural sphere~ is saturated with a theme that would strike most humans throughout time as marginal or alien

[thestarswillguide]

So apparently all this time I hadn't noticed how the circle around the star on Aaravos's chest had switched directions until I read this post.

This is odd. How even before anything bad happened with him and Leola, the circle around his star was in the downward direction, when it's supposed to be facing upward, but then changed direction obviously due to Leola's death (and I've always believed that his star turning black was because he lost her: his one deep truth). This was clearly no mistake, and I came up with a few possibilities I feel might explain this:

1) Aaravos had always been different from the other Startouch elves. Not just mentally and emotionally, but even his birth. I believe in the tdp art book it said that Startouch mages are extremely rare, with only one being born in generations. Aaravos is part of that rare few, and I haven't seen any others besides him. Perhaps one being born a Star mage means their symbol is also different.

2) It's because of Leola. We still don't know the details of her birth, but I've always thought her constellation or whatever was connected to Aaravos's, so maybe when she was born, they complemented each other somehow. Maybe the symbols on their chest are like the yin and yang symbol, one side facing one way and the other facing the opposite direction. Also, this is random, but y'know how the tdp creators like to reference to Avatar in the show (like the Callum and Sokka boomerang moment)? Aaravos's VA also did Koh's voice in Avatar. In the last episode of s1 (Avatar), Koh was talking to Aang about the ocean/sea spirit and the moon spirit; how they were like good and evil, push and pull, etc. Maybe, just maybe, the creators made Aaravos and Leola to be like those spirits, and without one of the two's soul/spirit, it would cause an imbalance, thus the circle around Aaravos's star changing direction.

3) (I like this one a lot btw) Aaravos purposefully made the circle downward as a way to set himself apart from the other (arrogant) Startouch elves. A personal decision of his regarding his identity compared to them. I think it's possible for him to have changed it with magic.

4) I also thought another possibility could be what @kradogsrats said about Aaravos's descent to Xadia. I was thinking maybe being down in Xadia or away from the stars for so long made the symbol turn upside down, but this doesn't really seem accurate cause then Leola's probably would've been like his, whether she was born from the heavens or in Xadia.

But again, the first two possibilities could be wrong since Aaravos's symbol seems to be facing upward here, and I assume this is him before he descended to Xadia:

—

Another thing that I want to address:

@stardustamaryllis78 pointed this out on one of their posts, and it absolutely baffled me cause I hadn't noticed it before. I chalked it up to it being before the creators fleshed Aaravos out, but then I just went back to look at one of the s6 posters and I noticed THIS!?:

UM?? Okay, so the star is white AND the circle is upward. I always thought the gorgeous, astounding, immaculate, spectacular, heart stopping s6 posters of Aaravos with each Primal Source was actually him when he was pre-fallen. I thought so cause they weren't showing him doing dark magic so...

But apparently, this is him as fallen wearing his stunning Startouch formal attire. When I saw the star was bright in these posters I thought it was because he's doing magic ig (like how it did in s2), but then that doesn't explain why his star was bright again as humanity was being banished. But then I thought of one thing that might explain both pictures: Aaravos probably used his magic to make his star look bright (likely to deceive the others and make himself not look suspicious).

ANYWAY- pls tdp creators bring Leola back (like in the Clannad anime or smthing!) and restore his star heart again!! 😭

[yanderedrabbles]

hey,

you've probably answered this before and I just haven't seen or read it yet. But, why do you hate pregnancies and babies so much? lol i love ur stories and u dont need to answer this, but im curious and wanted a more specified answer

seriously long rant under the line:

I'll be the first to admit it, I'm not a maternal person. I don't like kids. They're loud, they're sticky, they're overwhelming. I don't know how to talk to them without feeling idiotic and fake. I just... stay away from them as much as I can. Little cousins? Nieces and nephews? They probably know me as the relative who'll offer them some sweets and then dissappear.

Babies are especially bad. I don't really find them cute or endearing. Whenever I'm around one, I'm always terrified of messing up somehow and hurting them. Even if I'm like all the way across the room. I have such an admiration for parents but I know myself and I know I absolutely can't handle a baby.

I'm a person who gets overwhelmed and angry pretty easily. I try really hard to work on it, but that's not the sort of personality that goes well with kids. What am I, a deadbeat dad that makes people flinch with every sudden move? No thank you.

Pregnancy has always been particularly disturbing to me. Whenever I think of myself in that role, I feel this kind of visceral disgust. It feels parasitic. It feels like a leech in my body. It makes me want to claw at my stomach and get it out.

And don't take this as me hating on kids and pregnancy in other people. It's just when I apply it to myself, I can't help the way I feel. It's instinctive. And it's been this way my whole life.

I think as a society we think of marriage and kids as the default, the expected path. Whenever I tell people I'm never doing either, I'm always met with the "You'll change your mind someday!" I won't, I promise you.

I take issue with it. I feel like we should consider things a lot more before starting a family. A child is such a huge commitment, a life you'll be responsible for in every way. I feel like I see a lot of patents who might have been happier without kids.

I don't ever want to be like that. I don't ever want a kid to feel for a second that I regret them. I'd rather just not have one at all.

Anyway, some people just don't want that kind of life. I'm one of them. I've never once felt the urge or ever had the fantasy about a family, about being a mother. I have other goals for myself, another path to take.

I have the utmost respect for parents. Like I said, it's a terrifying, exhausting job. And one I'm never going to do.