#anyway I told them I'm okay with the others
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Late Night Chaos — Daisuke x gn! reader
summery: things aren't looking too good, so the crew decides to open the cargo hold and find out just what you were delivering.
tw: nothing that isn't in the game.
a/n: Updates might be a bit more spaced apart, but I'm gonna see this to the end. I refuse to give up on it.
wc: 2k
Master List
Part One | Part Two | Part Three | Part Four | Part Five | Part Six | Part Seven | Part Eight
“I didn’t even wanna do this stupid internship.”
An admission into the night you're sure you weren’t meant to hear. Your insomnia grew worse, unable to get Curly’s painful screams out of your head or the plight you all found yourself. Only two months have passed, and you weren’t sure if anyone was even looking for you. Did Pony Express even have any tracking system to see if ships were down? Would they search when it was already too late?
Your pessimism was shining through, but you tried to keep it to yourself, not wanting to smother Daisuke’s hope. It seems even he was prone to dark thoughts, but you’d be more concerned if he wasn’t worried at all.
“If I just told my mom no I could be home right now,” Daisuke continued to mutter to himself. “Who am I kidding, I could never tell my mom no.”
“I wish you did,” you replied, eyes still closed and curled up in a ball.
“Y-you’re awake?” Daisuke gasped, but you made no sign of movement.
“Hmm,” you hummed, pressing your face farther into your pillow. “I wish you weren’t here.” Your words were harsh, causing the brunette to hesitate. You had gotten harsher after the crash, becoming more blunt.
But you had also gotten softer somehow. Sending him mixed signals, your harsh words softened when you gently stroked his cheek, eyes finally opening to meet his own. Anger, fear, sympathy, regret, so many emotions spun in your jewel colored eyes he almost felt dizzy.
“I wish we met before this,” Daisuke said, voice cracking as he felt pressure form behind his eyes. Shit, he didn’t wanna cry, he had to be strong, for you and the rest of the crew.
Your fingers brushed under his eye, catching a tear that was threatening to fall. Your silence felt warm, inviting, your gaze broke him, the dam breaking as his wishes spilled past his lips.
“I wish we were back on Earth. Hanging out in my room and this all just ended up being a bad dream. My mom calling us for dinner and everything is okay.”
He was crying now, fat tears falling down his cheeks as you continued to stroke them. Daisuke wrapped his arms around your form, burying his face in your neck as he let out strangled sobs, not wanting to wake the others.
“I’m sorry,” You murmured into his hair, gently running your nails up and down his back in a soothing manner. “You don’t deserve this, none of us do.”
…
“We ain’t touching the damn cargo,” Swansea argued. “The hold is locked down for a reason. The only thing worse than dyin’ slowly is not gettin’ paid.”
The whole argument seemed redundant. It seemed that Swansea was the only one against opening the cargo hold. He was a stubborn old fool in your opinion. If your speculation is right, and you won’t be looked for until your ship doesn’t come on time, then you’ll all have died from either starvation or lack of oxygen. Both those options seemed terrible to choose from, but a long, drawn out death was worse than a short painful one. For all you knew, you all were shipping food, or water, or something that could keep you all going just a bit longer. Especially since the cryo chambers were out of commission (not like there were enough for the six of you anyway. Besides, Curly had no chance to survive the freeze due to his wounds).
“But it could be something useful,” Anya argued back. “I think-”
“Could be what?” Swansea cut her off. “Hopes, dreams and marzipan? Hah!”
“Could be food,” You interjected, glaring at the oldest of the crew. “Protein bars, chips, hell maybe we’re lucky enough to be carrying canned goods.”
“If it helps us survive it’s worth it,” Jimmy added with a nod.
“Man,” Daisuke spoke up. “Pony Express bosses really aren’t chill at all, huh? C’mon, a quick look won’t hurt.”
You nodded in agreement before Swansea brought up a good point, “How exactly is this group therapy committee planning on gettin’ in there?”
“Oh, right here boss,” Daisuke pointed to himself with a smug grin. “You’re looking at the meanest swing of the regional junior baseball team! Nearly straight up corked a kid once! I can take the utility ax-” You couldn’t stop the snort that came out of you, hiding your face behind your hands as everyone looked at you with various emotions.
“You were goddamn born fully corked,” Swansea glowered, face twisted in a harsh sneer.
“That’s enough, Swansea,” Jimmy intervened. “There has to be an ‘in case of emergency’ way inside.”
“If I remember correctly from reading the safety protocols…” Anya trailed off. “The doors should have an alternate access code, but it can only be uncovered using a code scanner device.”
“And only the captain has access to the scanner,” Jimmy continued.
“Of course! Go ahead, just ask him all about it then,” Swansea mocked. “Maybe he’ll sing ya the blues too.”
“We can just look for the scanner,” You brought up. “It’s probably either in the captain's quarters or the cockpit.”
“I’ll figure it out,” Jimmy waved you off. “For better or worse, I’m captain now.” You tried your best to hide the offended look that fell on your face, but it was hard to do so when Jimmy rubbed you the wrong way. Sure, it made the most sense for him to be acting captain since he was Curly’s co-pilot, but you didn’t like the way he acted like he had to do everything himself. It was giving you ‘I need to do everything my way and feel better about myself’.
“Right on!” Daisuke cheered, before you all split your ways. Anya ran off to medical, Swansea stopped Daisuke from following him while Jimmy probably went towards the cockpit. That left you and Daisuke to sit in the rest area, the led screen shone an image of a warm sunset, permanently stuck after the crash.
“You really think there might be food in the cargo?” Daisuke asked, resting his head against the top of the chair.
“It’s probably wishful thinking,” You grumbled, taking the seat across from him.
“Damn,” He sighed. “I was kinda hopin’ for something other than soup.”
“You dissing soup?” You asked, raising your eyebrows. “I’ll take your portion too if you don’t want it.” Wait! No!” Daisuke exclaimed with a chuckle. “I take it back, I mean I love love love soup and want to eat it every day!”
“You’re such a dork,” You laughed, gently kicking his foot.
The door slid open, halting your conversation as Jimmy walked up to you both. He stared at you both intently, and you felt a bit uncomfortable at the irritable stare in his eyes. You slowly realized he always looked that way.
“Looks like it’ll be soup again for dinner,” Daisuke spoke up first. “You wanna rock paper scissors for the chicken noodle?”
“That’s my favorite,” You pouted. Daisuke tended to make you feel more relaxed, no matter the situation. “Ah, nevermind then,” He sighed. “It’s theirs.” Gosh, he never failed to make you feel warm either, even in your dire circumstances.
“How much food do we have left?” Jimmy cut in, ignoring your banter altogether.
“I’d say four months-ish,” Daisuke replied.
“Hmm, less than the remaining air supply, but we can make it last,” Jimmy muttered to himself holding a hand up to his chin. “In theory. We’ll be poking new holes in our belts to pull that off.” The thought of starving unsettled you, but it was an unfortunate possibility. But then the question is how much air supply is left? That was something you couldn’t conserve…well, unless someone died…but even then it wouldn’t be much.
“Man, my mom will straight up stuff me when I get back,” Daisuke laughed, trying to keep the atmosphere light. “I’ll look like Swansea!” You chuckled bittersweetly, shaking your head amusedly. “We’ll have a rad story to tell,” Daisuke continued, looking between you and Jimmy with a strained smile. “They might even write articles about us. We could be on TV!” Once again there was a pit in your stomach. No matter the outcome, you were sure to appear on TV…
Jimmy also seemed uncomfortable, eyes shifting, and posture ridgid, “Uh, it’ll impress the ladies too.” You nearly broke out laughing at how awkward Jimmy was, coughing into your fist to hide it. Even funnier was it seemed he didn’t realize you and Daisuke were already in a relationship.
Daisuke looked confused, glancing at you briefly before uttering a confused, “Uh…yeah…the real problem is running out of toilet paper. Fatal stuff, man.” This time you couldn’t smother your laughter, hiding your face from the two men before you.
“Seriously!” Daisuke emphasized, grin turning brighter at your laughter. “We should leave that part out for the press.”
“Totally,” You agreed. “Wouldn’t want the ladies to know.” This time Daisuke snorted, Jimmy nodding uncomfortably before leaving. The two of you cackled for a few more seconds before calming down.
“I thought everyone already knew we were dating,” Daisuke said, confused. “Not like we’ve been hiding it.”
“Just goes to show how much he cares,” You shrugged with a sigh.
“You think he got the code scanner?” He asked, tilting his head slightly.
“I’d think so,” You nodded. “Wanna head to the cargo hold?”
“Yeah.”
…
Mouthwash.
You were hauling fucking mouthwash.
It felt like a tiny bit of your sanity slipped away. You weren’t the only one though, everyone looking at the contents of the box in disbelief.
“Mouthwash?” Anya asked in a shaky voice.
“Un-fucking-believable,” Swansea cursed.
“There’s gotta be an ocean of the stuff in here!” Daisuke exclaimed. “The room looks freakin’ endless!” You felt dizzy staring at the rows upon rows of shelves, boxes stacked to the brim on each one.
“This is what they’d have six people hauling for over a year?” Jimmy scoffed in disbelief. “All of this…for mouthwash?!” You tensed slightly at his shout, but quickly focused on Anya as she spoke up.
“The sugar content probably offsets any potential as a disinfectant…” Anya informed, reading the ingredient content. Great, this was completely and totally useless-
“Disinfectant? What’re you-” Swansea grumbles. “Let me see that!” Snatching the bottle Swansea reads the contents as well. “Fourteen percent ethanol.” Suddenly he bursts out laughing, seeming a bit manic.
“Haha?” Daisuke gave a confused laugh, clearly not understanding the implications. “I s’pose we’ll smell good at least…?” “That’s right kiddo! You can bet your ass on that!” Swansea continued to laugh.
“W-what are you doing?” Anya stuttered, eyes wide in concern. “Stop that!” Instead, Swansea starts to chug the blue liquid, causing your stomach to churn.
“Whew-whee,” Swansea, sighs. “Ohhh, shut up. I’m just an ol’ codger taking care of his dental hygiene.”
“You hear that?” Swansea continues, glancing at you all. “That’s the sound of fifteen years of sobriety popping like a cyst. A glorious, magnificent, red hot cyst. Good riddance and cheers! To Captain Curly! Hear, hear!”
“Guess anyone could get seriously blasted off of this stuff,” Daisuke mutters loud enough for us all to hear.
“Yeah, and give you a seriously bad stomach ache,” You grumbled.
“And kill you in the process,” Jimmy huffed.
“This can’t be real,” Anya bemoans. “I-There’s no way…”
“Now we can go out in style,” Swansea grins nihilistically. “Daisuke! Come here! Anyone ever teach you how to drink like a man?”
You felt your stomach drop, one alcoholic was bad enough, you would be damned to let Swansea drag Daisuke down with him.
“C’mon,” You muttered, grabbing Daisuke’s hand and dragging him past the rest of the crew, head down.
“Somthin’ wrong?” Daisuke asks once you're both back in the main hull.
You blinked at him like he was dumb, “Seriously? This whole situation is wrong! And now Swansea’s out of commission if he’s gonna nurse that goddamned mouthwash!” You let out a frustrated sigh, running your hand through your hair.
“And he’s trying to take you down with him.”
“I won’t drink it if that’s what you’re worried about,” Daisuke mumbles softly, eyes filled with concern.
You side-eyed him, feeling anxiety claw at your chest, “And how do I know you’ll keep that promise?”
Daisuke opened his mouth, but nothing came out, confirming your fears.
#mouthwashing x reader#daisuke mouthwashing x reader#mouthwashing daisuke x reader#mouthwashing#daisuke mouthwashing#mouthwashing daisuke#x reader#daisuke
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okay no wait, I'm so curious your thoughts on the elvis mythology! I'm trying to think of an example haha. anyway, thank you for that food for thought. your takes on elvis are so interesting and kind of a different perspective than I normally see
Thank you! That means a lot because I do love going into his psychology and thinking about how he thought about things. And I love being able to engage with Elvis stuff from all different angles!
I can think of a few - like there will be people who were close to him who make such absolute statements about him: he refused to wear blue jeans, he hated eating fish, he loved eating peanut butter/banana/bacon sandwiches, he was afraid of germs, he wouldn't sleep with women who were mothers. But not all of those are true for him 100% of the time, or they seem to be big outliers where no one else has reported anything like that. And as you read more, you can see moments where he behaves differently than these big eccentricities that people pin on him, and you have to think about why that might be. You pick up little clues that you can put together to figure out what he meant. Did he have an almost pathological dislike of blue jeans because they reminded him of his childhood poverty, or did he just tell one of his band members that because he had made a brusque joke about the guy wearing blue jeans in front of a bunch of people and wanted to find a way to apologize without apologizing? Was he covering up behavior he was ashamed of, or was he revealing the real shame that drove him to look his best and make sure his entourage looked their best too? Did he actually have an aversion to women after they had given birth (unlikely, since he had relationships with several mothers), or did he want to give Priscilla a reason for avoiding her that she couldn't work around, knowing that she always went overboard trying to change herself to get his attention and getting rid of things she thought were coming between them (his spiritual books/Larry Geller/etc.)? Was this just one of a long line of excuses he made for not truly being in love with her and not wanting to try anymore? Did he actually eat the same sandwich every day, or did he just make a big deal about it one time because it was Lisa's birthday and he wanted to fly her somewhere special? And the other stuff he did eat every day, did he do it because it was one of the few things in his life he had control over, and could extract comfort from, or did he do it because, as he told Larry, he wanted to make himself sick of it so that it would no longer be a temptation? And how much of these conversations are either hearsay or someone putting words in his mouth to absolve themselves of something that bothered them?
The long and short of it is that people have sometimes reported things he said or did without any surrounding context, or it gets stripped away when it's reported elsewhere, and we are left with these moments that don't make sense or tell us anything about him unless we see how he dealt with them throughout his life, around different people, and see him as a whole person and not the Elvis Image that he tended to embrace when it suited him and resent when it hurt him. A really great moment that I think shows how Elvis tended to approach things is reported by Steve Binder, where he said Parker was telling Elvis absolutely not to do something, and Steve felt like Elvis just kind of shut down and mumbled "yes" until Parker left, and then Elvis' eyes flashed and he turned to Steve and said, "Fuck him," and did what he wanted to do. He was a people pleaser! A huge one! He valued loyalty above honesty. He was willing to lie to people he cared about if he felt that it would avoid a confrontation, and sometimes that tipped into a selfish "I want to do things my way," and sometimes that tipped into a selfless "I want them to have everything I can give them." And he waffled between those extremes because of his own low self-esteem and loneliness. I'm! Screaming! About this! At all times! He is an unreliable narrator, he's such a bubble of emotions that pops with the slightly scratch, he's so complex that you are not sure if he wants the bubble to be an opaque shield or a transparent boundary that you can slip through. He was testing people all the time to know if he could trust them with his heart without expecting him to be the Elvis Image, telling them things that were an invitation and a challenge and an insult and a declaration of love all at once, and so much of the problem we deal with now is that people are still completely uninterested in these depths. I???? Love him??? And the things he can help us learn about ourselves??? Just by trying to see him as he really was????
I don't know, I just get very overwhelmed!!!!
#elvis presley#there aren't always completely right answers to any of these questions but i love guessing
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Role Swap AU Masterpost
If you're old enough in my blog then you remember [this]
Yeah in the end I never even updated that, it's almost a year since the mod was actually released but hey I'm here!
This also might be the last post regarding the AU. It's over fr, I've reached my dream in wanting to release a mod of it and getting fanart sooo yay, the AU is done for, but dw! I've kept Whitmore, turned him into an OC.
If I don't forget to post again lol Y'all will see more of him!
Anyways here is the mod!!!
Above it's all art I've made for it alongside a GIF :P
And below the cut, you will find more links, such as gameplay and all the music! INCLUDING the full-ass complete lore of the AU!
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youtube
ya that's right!! Community game played my game ain't that crazy! Okay so here is all you need to know:
This is an AU where Whitty (now who's referred as Whitmore as his last name only) and Updike (Gabriel in this AU, he doesn't know his last name or anything since he was abandoned) switch places. ONLY they do in this AU, all others stay the same. Conrad Whitmore was raised by The Greater Good (similar concept to SCP) after being found in abandoned and crashed down lab as a doomsday experiment. TGG saw him as an useful tool Being fed well and trained since childhood, he's naturally taller and bigger than average Whitty. Also more tired. Just because Conrad had a good childhood doesn't mean he was free of trauma btw ☝ He had many experiments done on him such as vivisectomy, endoscopy and multiple blood tests and even organ removals, however he was often manipulated by TGG into doing this of free will, ever since as a kid.
For those who ask "well what about Carol? Does she still date the Whitty from this universe?" yes she did! Hex and Carol are/were still Conrad's closest people he has had in his life But Carol eventually broke up with Conrad once she learnt the true nature of his job. A big rift developes between them, with her trying to desperately convince him TGG is not the better solution it claims to be, while Conrad defends it with his life for is the only thing he knows. Their fights escalate a lot, until she visits him in his office. Needless to say it didn't go well.
I have an animatic as well! In a resume, their (verbal) fights gets him so agitated, he enters his ballistic stage where he hasn't felt that in years besides while a kid. And during his rage he pulls the trigger while Carol calls him names (monster being one). TGG covers the crime, the lyrics are important btw!
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This all happened when Conrad was 21, Carol's death is tragic enough he enter a depressive episode + is taken back to his 'original bunker house' (where he was raised) by TGG for 5 years for reevaluation. Hex is the only one who knows what happened because Conrad told him. That's pretty much the lore? I think? UH anywasy tldr I became so attached to Conrad I've scrapped the 'swap' alternate reality of it and turned him into Whitty's twin brother (and Carol isn't dead there).
Also out of respect for Sock.Clip, Gabriel, or TGG no longer exists, I'm just dumping this here to be registered in my tumblr since it was the only social media I never uploaded the lore of my AU completely. But yes, swap whitty is fully dead, ofc ppl can make art for it duh, I just mean I won't be making content of it ever again, Conrad instead is being brought to the 'original' fnf world, and will be currently Whitty's twin, but his lore or story has been completely rebooted.
Thank you for reading all this damn ur a true homie!!!
#fanart#digital art#fnf art#fnf fanart#fnf whitty#friday night funkin#friday night funkin'#friday night funkin whitty#whitty fnf#artists on tumblr#swap au#roleswap au#fnf swap#swap vs whitty#fnf role swap au#swap updike#fnf swap au#role swap au#fnf au#friday night funkin' au#fnf updike#fnf whitmore
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my browser crashed while i was typing this up and i lost everything so now i'm angry but anyways
on to the smaller complaints
Our main characters meet on a plane and being the possessive werewolf he is, the guy wants to sit next to his mate. He hands his ticket to the man seated beside her and says "take my seat." But... that's not how airplanes work, as far as I know. And even if we accept that it is in this universe, the man didn't give the werewolf his ticket in return.
Still on the plane, our werewolf learns that before he got there, his mate's previous seat-neighbor had stared down her shirt and made some lewd comments (maybe touched her? don't remember). So big possessive angry werewolf man stalks through the plane and drags the man back to in front of her and nearly kills him. On a plane. In front of human passengers who don't know werewolves are real.
We are later told that he was banned from the airline for this, but otherwise he suffers no repercussions and even within the story it feels like the ban is more of an excuse for him to get a private plane later.
Finally leaving the plane, the woman has fallen asleep and so our werewolf man carries her unconscious body off the plane. A man who was just seen assaulting someone carries an unconscious woman off of an international flight.
It's fuzzy to me now but I remember being irritated about the back and forth between the woman and the werewolf. He's kidnapped her and has explained that he's a werewolf and she's his mate and she seems receptive to that. The text doesn't really give us any good reasons she should be unhappy with this, much less reasons why she would attempt to sneak away and escape from him. Which she does. I mean, I have no problem with that action. It's conflict, which is something I want in something called "Kidnapped by my Mate." But the text doesn't justify it very well. Half the time the woman is happily cuddling with him, having no mental struggles with the idea of being with him, and then the other half she's plotting to escape. Make up your mind, ma'am. Please.
Like, again. I have no problem with the character being like "oh I really think I like him but he's holding me captive so I have mixed feelings!" but that isn't the vibe I got. The vibe I got was "oh i love him he's so hot" and then "i need to figure out how to escape him." No in between.
Okay so then they go back to the werewolf's "house" in the US. Previously, they were in a fancy hotel in Paris.
I've posted about this before, but I'll just reiterate. We're seeing this frm the woman's point of view. As the building comes into her view, her mental narration calls it a "house" and then seperately comments that "it looks more like a hotel." Which is like... why? Why not just be like "it looks like a hotel" first? Why would anyone call something they're seeing for the first time a house when it looks like a hotel?
Then they continue to refer to it as a house when... it's not.
I'd have no issue with them calling it "the pack house" since a lot of pack members live there, but just calling it a house feels wrong.
Then of course there is the issue of 500+ pack members living in this "house." Which isn't the entire pack. There are other houses around that have more werewolves living in them, but this particular "house" is the largest, we're told.
The description of this house is such a mishmash of aesthetics and you know it's bad if I notice that. It has marble and wood and is described as having a cabin like aesthetic which... what cabins have marble, babe? Hmm? And pillars? Like... it's wild.
And 500+ pack members living there... Wow. My knee jerk reaction is that it feels excessive. And it bugs me that anyone would call a building that five hundred people live in a "house."
But all that is made worse when our main character wanders the house and says it looks like it is "more than six stories." Which... I would fucking hope so. You need way more than six levels to house that many people. She also notes that it has "more rooms than I can count." And like... I don't know, but those descriptions don't feel right for a place with five hundred people.
Then we get to the room her mate, the Alpha of the pack, lives in. And she compares it to the fucking Paris hotel room. Our Alpha lives in something comparable to a fucking hotel room. You can't aim a bit higher?
Oh and of course since it is basically a hotel, and not like... an apartment building... There's no kitchen. Which becomes an issue.
Later we find out that despite there being 500+ people here and no kitchens in the room, there's no organized meals of any sort. Werewolves just rush into the kitchen and take what they want, basically fighting each other for their food. This is used as a plot point because our poor little human gets growled at for even trying to get a single banana and ends up not eating for two days.
It's clear the author just wanted to use the food as a ployt point and didn't give any thought to two things I personally would consider:
First. In such a large group of people, you need to organize meals somehow. You have to make sure everyone can eat. Especially if you're gonna have werewolves fighting over food.
And secondly, why the fuck are these werewolves growling at their Alpha's mate? It's established that they're supposed to treat her with so much respect that they're not even allowed to say her name, just her title of Luna. And yet they are ready to fight her for food. That doesn't fucking track. Later someone says "don't take it personally, werewolves are possessive" but like... that still doesn't justify growling at the Alpha's mate. You can't have it both ways. Either they respect her or not.
Then later we get two chapters that are basically identical, which drives me nuts since I had to wait six hours between chapters only for two to have the same scene play out, just ending a tad different.
Without getting into the nitty gritty, our main character and werewolf dude are having relationship issues and the woman nearly leaves but then werewolf dude's wolf comes out and is basically begging her to stay despite the human part of him being an ass. The woman decides she had to stay because clearly something weird was up and since the wolf still wanted her, she would try to make things work. Then later, the exact same fight starts again except the wolf doesn't come out and she does leave. But like... then why didn't she just leave the first time? The whole wolf thing isn't brought up again. It was framed as if she would realize something weird was happening and stay because of the wolf but none of that comes up again and she just leaves anyways.
Really it felt like the author was just trying to stretch things out or maybe even just... forgot what they had in mind.
I think that covers my small grievances. Taken individually, I wouldn't give a fuck. It's a fantasy werewolf romance. I don't mind bending reality a bit to tell the story you wanna tell. But everything? No. I can't handle that much in a book that wants me to pay $17 to $60 to read.
And once again, if this were a free work on wattpad or AO3, I wouldn't care. I would maybe laugh to myself a bit but ultimately commend the author for writing the story they wanted to write. It isn't bad if you're looking at it through the lens of someone writing for fun and then letting folks read it for free.
But it's not free. It's on an app trying to force every penny from you.
Someone remind me to rant about the ‘book’ I read where I had to watch six hours to unlock each chapter and 500 werewolves lived together in a ‘house’ and the plot did a 180 halfway through where the entire premise changed.
I finished the book. I have thoughts. But I’m tired so yeah. Remind me.
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Cancelled the appointment because Sammy seems to be back to normal by now? Or rather, changed it to next week so I don't have to pay needlessly for the taxi. I still want to have him looked at for small things that I noticed and he needs his nails clipped anyway.
Maybe it was only a stuck fart or something? These things can be quite cruel, after all 😅 And he didn't poop as often as he usually does yesterday, so...
#sam the papillon#when I asked about next week the person on the phone told me the doctor we usually go to wasn't there so maybe we wanna go to another vet??#which was very strange#they have multiple vets there and I always thought it was more or less random which one we get#there was one instance where that specific doc requested we only go to him for the thing at the time though#so maybe that's some leftover from then?#very strange indeed 🤔#anyway I told them I'm okay with the others#sure some of them are not exactly my faves but I also don't want to procrastinate this appointment for forever#I'll take it 👀#also migraine is saying hello so I'm going to get some rest now 🥲
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anyone interested in talking about the iconic 2000's middle-grade-bordering-on-ya book series gallagher girls??
#okay incoming rant about this series#i read the first book when i was 10 or 11 and i was absolutely obssessed with it. i read it so many times i had the entire story memorized#the issue was that i could not find the rest of the series anywhere. it was either sold out or out of stock#and then i found out that only the first 3 books had been translated into my first language so at that point i kinda gave up on them#anyway#flashforward to a couple of weeks ago#i was re organizing my bookshelf and on the back i found LYKY (is this how y'all are abreviating it??)#and remembred how much i loved it#and since i'm now fluent in english and was stuck at home recovering from a surgery i decided to download the entire series and read it#to find out what the fuck happened afterwards#long story short i read all six books in 4 or 5 days#and i haven't stopped thinking about them since#it's actually so funny how little information we have in the first book#i went all of these years thinking it was mostly a silly series about a boarding school for spies when actually SO MUCH happens afterwards#i can't believe i went all of these years unaware of zach goode's existence#truly character of all time#but also i can't stop thinking about how interesting it would have been if zach had come to hate the circle and his mom during the series#rather than before#make it a true enemies to lovers#and have us witness that portion of his character developement in real time instead of being told about it#like him slowly realizing through cammie and his time at gallagher that maybe what they were doing is wrong#i think it would have been very interesting to read#although let's be real it took me until halfway through book four to trust him and he was fully one of the good guys so..#but yeah i have a lot more to say but these tags are long enough#gallagher girls#okay i just want to add another funny anecdote about my experience with this series#my copy of LYKY has an age warning in the back recomending that readers should be above 13 yo to read it#and i distinctly remember finishing it and thinking the warning was kind of dumb bcs besides a few mentions of death and other heavier topi#nothing really happened#and now i realize it was a warning for the rest of the series not just the first book because jesus fucking chirst everything after
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i have... ✨Danyal Al Ghul Headcanons✨ but specifically for my yaelokre danyal oneshot
There's also the tumblr post here but I recommend the link in the title because its the ao3 version, and that one is edited and has some stuff in it that's not in the tumblr post, and will be the version I'm using.
So for summary: this Danyal is also from a Demon Siblings Au where Danny is five years older than Damian. However, things turned out a bit differently, and Danny and Damian had a fantastic relationship with one another. Danny loved music and regularly came up with songs to sing to Damian with. Specifically the folk band Yaelokre's EP "Hayfields" (seriously go fucking listen to it its sooo good. Harpy Hare is the second song but its my favorite. Special shoutout to @gascansposts for introducing the band to me)
He falls off a train when he's twelve and Damian is seven while the two of them and Talia are on mission. He ends up with magically induced amnesia and wakes up in Arkansas while the Fentons are on their yearly Divorce-iversary visit to Aunt Alica, and since he can only remember his name, he ends up being taken into their care.
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Yaelokre Danny has the same facial scar as Things in Threes Danyal, since he was initially another version of him where things turned out better. I'm debating on whether or not I should take it away however, and give him a different scar (maybe from when he fell off the train?), just because the scar is a pretty key identifier for Ti3 Danyal.
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Danny frequently visits Aunt Alicia in Arkansas! Well, only after he gets settled in and stuff. He doesn't really like the city that much and prefers the countryside where Alicia lives. I know she lives in a cabin but I'm changing it to a farm, so she puts Danny to work and gets him to help her.
I don't want to confine his hobbies to only being star stuff, because people tend to have more than one hobby and I feel like it reduces him to one-dimensionality, so he likes to garden, and learns guitar. His room becomes filled with plants, and he turns their roof into a rooftop greenhouse right below to OPS Center.
He has a complex relationship with the weapons from his past, but he's not... like... appalled by it? When he finds his weapons in the Fenton attic all he thinks is that they're his weapons, and he starts carrying a knife on him afterwards. Essentially he becomes fascinated with weaponry because its one of the few physical ties he has to his past, and while he's not training like he is in the League, he allows his strong muscle memory to guide him through his katas.
Danny likes climbing things. This causes Problems For Everyone Else.
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Danny was not the "kinder Al Ghul" in the League. His kindness extended to his brother and family, and that's it. To everyone else he had high expectations out of them, and the pride you'd expect from the grandson of Ra's Al Ghul and trained by its top members. While he wasn't like, unnecessarily cruel or anything, he wasn't merciful either.
This transfers post-train fall as him coming off as no-nonsense and unforgiving. He's not fond of the idea of giving people second chances, and is skeptical of the idea. He's disgusted by incompetency and views it as an unforgivable offense, especially if he thinks that the person should know better, although he's not sure why. Some egocentrism for the soul.
He doesn't like being touched by anyone who isn't family, and gets irritated when anyone grabs him or holds onto him for extended amounts of time. Dash has gotten hit so many times. With Jack Fenton's tendency for abrupt physical affection, it doesn't make it any better. I'd argue it'd make it worse because Danny doesn't want to be touched more often than not.
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Danyal had a red scarf in the League that he wore on his last mission, it came off before he fell off and caught itself on the roof. Damian still has it and took it with him to Wayne Manor. He's got it locked in his room and takes it out when he's alone and missing Danny the most. One time he forgot to put it away before leaving his room, and Dick was visiting the manor for something and found it. Damian found him holding it and freaked out.
Dick could only say "I've never seen you wear this, Damian, this is really pretty--" before Damian shoved him to the floor and stole it out of his hands, before screaming at him; "Don't touch this! You don't ever touch this! This is mine! You hear me!?"
It caused such a commotion that the rest of the family present came to see what the fuss was about, and Damian kicked them all out of his room. Dick is the one brother Damian's the closest with, so the fact he reacted so strongly shocked them all.
This is likely what leads to the "Danyal" conversation.
#dpxdc#danny fenton is not the ghost king#dp x dc#dpxdc crossover#dp x dc crossover#danyal al ghul au#yaelokre danny#yaelokre danyal al ghul#the yaelokre danny post didn't really go into him interacting with other people but i'm trying to figure out his personality post amnesia#just know this: he's not canon danny. im spitefully refusing to make him a Cookie Cutter of canon danny because the idea pisses me off lmao#he's complex and confused and morally gray even with the amnesia bc memories aren't stored in one part of the brain they're stored#in different parts depending on the memory and muscle memory exists and danny might not actively remember the things that shaped him but hi#body does. and somewhere deep in his mind so does his brain. his memories weren't destroyed theyre locked away in a place where his active#conscious can't reach. plus its magic amnesia and i have comic AND cartoon realism on my side.#danny's personality from the league doesn't get challenged that much by the fentons because danny's learning this about himself just as muc#as they are. Jazz can't “Fix” what's wrong with him when neither of them know it and Danny is always the first to figure it out and then#keeps it to himself. Also. Jazz has a fucking life? she's not the family therapist she has friends and hobbies even if we the viewers don't#see it. But also i just really deeply despise the idea that Jazz “fixes” danny's league issues just by existing and being the therapist#because it waters her down into a one-dimensional character who only exists in the context of providing emotional support and life advice t#danny. also therapy only works on someone that's actively trying to change. otherwise its just psychoanalyzing and people tend to hate#being psychoanalyzed without consent. which as a result may have them refuse help. anyways point is: i believe that growth is slow and#complex and danny would hide a lot of the stuff he discovers about himself because if there's one thing he still retains from being an#assassin. it's how to hide. he likes jazz but there are some things you just hide from people.#damian also told dick to “keep his filthy hands off his things”. which was also a shock because it sounded something he'd say more to tim#damian was distraught the entire time.#okay thats all i have for now.
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johnaeryn: to build a home
happy 25th anniversary to farscape and to these two
#johnaeryn#john x aeryn#aeryn sun#farscapeedit#john crichton#farscape#farscape25#by lesbibianism#my edits#fancam#edit#honestly... not as elaborate as i wanted to make it but with adhd and being busy with other things i ran out of time it is what it is#i wanted to post it today#so yeah hope its still okay despite having to rush to finish this lmao#anyway i love them so much :( they're everything to me#i'm halfwayish through s4 on my rewatch in between movies and i don't want to lose them again#my silly little beloved show thats always there for me <3#greatest love story ever told
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show tempe gang crossover with the morris islanders would actually have been the best episode of bones ever. btw
#please ignore the rest of the tags i will just be making things up#okay they start out in carolina but at least half the episode takes place in dc. do not ask me how travel logistics would work#tory spends the entire episode off with tempe doing bone stuff. booth feels upstaged by a 16-year-old girl#so he goes and hangs out with ben who does NOT trust him right off the bat#ben ends up having to run him over to liri at some point because there's crime afoot and tom is busy. they spend most of the ride in silenc#ofc they end up bonding Eventually because they are both obsessed with crazy emotionally stunted redheads named t brennan#tory is more effective than any of the squinterns and manages to piss hodgins off so bad just by existing#coop hangs out in the lab as saroyan tries to kick him out thirty times. he just keeps showing up and she can't prove who's letting him in#(it's tempe.) angela loves tory but tory does not love angela back. saroyan tolerates her. sweets likes her but knows she's hiding somethin#comes to the conclusion that she can read her friends minds and slowly drives himself crazy because obviously that can't be true#tory brings hi along whenever she needs someone with people skills and he is MORE than happy to participate in a hodgins experiment#hi gets to be king of the lab for about ten minutes. shelton hits it off with angela immediately and they solve half the case together#booth fucking HATES hi because he's evasive and really good at the manipulation thing. booth can't win verbal sparring and he gets Big Mad#at one point the four of them are in an interrogation room together (MISTAKE) because tory had them meddling a little too close to the sun#and booth is trying so hard to question them which didn't work even when they COULDN'T read each other's minds#tory figures out who did it and hi steals her thunder a la shrek wasnt vandalized he gave birth#temperance tells tory 'i know you've got a secret sweets told me and even though i don't trust psychology i find he's insightful' etc etc#tory's like well i might be but i can't tell you it's not just my secret and you wouldn't believe me anyway#because let's be real tempe WOULDNT believe her#meanwhile saroyan convinced by sweets paranoia managed to get a sample of tory's blood and test it and is like HEY WHAT THE FUCK#gets hodgins and they just stare at the results together and delve into conspiracy theories. he's like i KNEW there were werewolves#they debate telling tempe but know it wouldnt end well for the kids and decide to get rid of the evidence. but hodgins is SO smug#also angela spends the whole episode trying to convince everyone hi and shelton are dating and no one believes her#they finally see them kiss or something and they're all somehow floored and angela's just like yeah? duh?#if anyone read this i'm sorry and why
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I'm so tired
#not to come on here just to complain and feel sorry for myself especially because i know things are so much worse for so many other ppl#but as hard as i'm trying it's hard to believe things will be okay i'm trying so hard not to fall into defeatist attitudes#but fuck man. fuck. it's not even that i'm surprised or anything it's just. man#i want to curl up in a ball and just be comforted and cry and be upset but i can't do that and i have no one to do that#my worker's comp payments aren't coming through like they're supposed to and i have like ten dollars and barely any food in the apartment#my injuries aren't getting better the pain is still there even though i'm doing everything i'm supposed to#my meds aren't working but meds have NEVER worked on me and i keep hoping and praying some day i'll find one that will but i fear they won'#i have more psych testing in january but a part of me worries about doing it because if (when) i test positive for certain things it will b#on my record and considering..... the state of things i worry about what that means for me and my autonomy esp regarding anything medical#i still can't convince any doctors to take my issues that are almost CERTAINLY endometriosis seriously and again.... given the state of thi#i find it very hard to believe that will change and will in fact only get worse and i will never be able to get any kind of sterilization o#hysterectomy and if something ever ended up happening and i DID get pregnant well. it would not be good for me#i feel very alone and like i need to and must handle everything on my own but i feel like i'm about to break doing that#and then this. this. this this this this. i know it's not fair to be upset about it. like i said things are so much worse for so many other#but fuck dude. fuck man. mentally i have not been doing good recently and nothing has happened in my life to really help that recently#i want to go back to being so repressed i genuinely felt/believed i was emotionless this was not a good year for the dam to break#i told my therapist the other day that i feel like a toddler. i was so repressed and emotionless for as long as i can remember#so i never learned to deal with big ugly and overwhelming emotions. so i react as a child still learning would because i never got the#chance to learn how to manage them and FUCK MAN i feel like i'm losing it#i know it's important to do what you can and not fall into overly negative mindsets but that's not something i was good at anyways#and now it's even harder but i'm trying. fuck dude i'm trying so hard i want to be hopeful i want to do what i can#i don't want to hate everything and jump immediately to wanting to kms or destroying my whole life because what's the point#i just. holy fuck. man i need a minute to breathe and i wish i had someone physically here to hold me and tell me it's okay#but i don't have that so i'll be a big girl and sort myself out like usual and just hope i don't break yet#i'm gonna go watch anime and try and read fic to distract myself but mannnnnnnn i feel like i'm losing it#kaz rambles
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gonna keep it shmoovin man
#just me hi#i have a piece i was working on last night that i realized after i didn't have my computer could actually be Much more accurate to my ideaa#but that means i gotta scrap some stuff. sigh ᴗ.ᴗ#also i couldn't get around to readin my thing yesterday cuz my focus was shot for some reason lmao <//3#i would open the thing and then just start. driiiifting away kfshvg#//anyway idk what happened but why have i started to miss Gs at the end of my words Lmfhvaf#i already do that in real life we don't needa do that here too kfshvh#'asz wu' 'm sayin man !!' <- my engrish :3#i do like it though i think it's fun :> but my typingggg not you too kfsvhg#//anywho i've got a $1.75 thing i'm workin on :D#it's gonna hopefully be the third part to those last two i did for that thing#which goes adoration -> devotion -> guess hfh :3#i'm normal abt these guys. [places them in a lunchbox and throws it into the river to watch the bubbles] yea :)#//anyway Wednesday#not the best of the week days i will not lie#like you're stuck between the beginning and the end and it's just got that undecided feeling to it ykno what i mean pfshv#//also LMAO i've been calling feet/foot 'peets/poot' bc i think it's goofy and i don't like the F sound#and i got leo into saying it and he was talkin to somebody and had to explain what it was Lmfhjshfg#my infec- influence is spreading. influence. that's what i said#my woerds: peet. poot. tomach. shnoze. ham. heed. fingaa. ect ect#//ouhhh my collarbone keeps making these snappy noises when i pull my shoulders back#it's only occasional but holy shizz it's loud sometimes. like 'when we're in church i think you can hear it 4 pews back' loud khgsfjhfvjg#//ANYWAY i was mentioning wednesday earlier cuz it's not the best of days on the week (we know this) but i wanna go skating </3#'why isn't wednesday good for that' because it's the middle of the week. [gesturing]#i can't explain it but things need to happen on- Oo i like this songgggkkggg- either weekends or the other 4 days of the weekday#wednesday is for appointments you really don't want. i'm sorry but it's a filler day <//3#which means no happenings on a wednesday. it's illegal. that's right. Illegal#even thursday is iffy man. tuesday? tuesday is your last-chance stop. perhaps i do have thoughts about silly things Kfhvsjhgsf#nobody tell leo he's tryna get me for having a weird brain. the sentence is 5000 years of i-told-you 😔 Lmaooo#//OKAY i think i'm outta tags tho lemme say ciao here loll :3 toodles tooooodles !!! <3
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no promises anymoooooreeeee i'll appear online when i appear online 😭 every time i say "ooh i think life is almost done being overwhelming!" it. becomes even more overwhelming in the dumbest ways. all i can manage rn when i'm not stressing myself into a shut-down state is staring at the wall while listening to youtube essays + mindlessly crocheting.
i might queue up ppls art and fics w/o commentary in the tags... i want other ppl to see what all of my cool friends have made, but i genuinely can't think right now with this monstrous brain fog. i'm really sorry, just. yeah. maybe i'll think of some way to make it up later!!! once the dust has settled!!!! but until then i wuv u and miss u. smiles.
[venting in tags including familial manipulation and ableism. i. didn't mean to write all of that, thiss was originally going to be a main blog post but. aaaaaAAAAAA!!!!!
also no need for replies or anything, i'd turn them off for just the one post if i could kjsndkn, i just needed to get things out and go eep jsjndsfdn ok bye bye bye bye!!!!]
#goddd my family finds it sooooooo funny that i can't do basic tasks! it's soooo funny that i can't even think of a horror movie to watch#on halloween bc i genuinely can't remember a single one right now. it's soooo funny that i can't take cardboard boxes or#old furniture out of my room without help bc i've physically and mentally and emotionally burnt out for Months.#and me not being able to move shit out after two (2) days makes me a hoarder somehow. and ofc hoarding is a moral failing#and my mom has to give me a stern talking-to about hoarding things... that were. again. in my room for 2 days....#[tbc it isnt a moral failing no matter the reason. life is hard and things happen and it can be hard to get rid of things for Reasons.]#nevermind them making constant snide remarks about me using ugly 'mismatched' desk / storage furniture. bc it was free / cheap? no income??#AND!!!!! i have a couple of new diagnoses. which doesn't change much day to day but it does make my family making fun of me#even more dumbfounding. like. this explains a lot of really scary unexplained symptoms that constantly leave me#housebound for weeks but uhhh haha hehe hoho??? so silly so funny that i'm barely conscious for multiple weeks???#and you can see that i'm getting worse but that makes it funnier??? hmm!!!#also nevermind that i've told them the exact reason why i've been like this (read: them) but that ALSO makes it funnier somehow.#but i also can't say shit bc they're doing something ~nice~ for me (out of convenience + after almost a decade of 'don't get comfortable'#and 'don't decorate this room bc it isn't yours' and 'you need to be ready to move out by x date'#only for the date to arrive and them to pull the 'i never said that. and if i did say it i didn't mean it like that.#and if i did mean it like that i don't anymore.' card. + any big renovations are things they wanted anyway. hmmmm!!#and how i have to do all of the phys labor alone bc if i ask for help i get made fun of!!! and yelled at that i'm doing things Wrong#(hint: i'm following instructions to the letter but. my family knows better than those silly things!! ^^ ))#jfc i sure did rant. uh. yeah. things. are really weird and uncomfy and i feel thankful that i finally can have my own things on display#outside of closets and bins again after a decade?? but i'm also waiting for the other shoe to drop / them to tell me i owe them in#some way??? bc that's how it works. 'i'm doing a nice thing you didn't even ask me for so now you have to do whatever i tell you to.'#meanwhile i can't even maladaptive daydream my way through it bc my brain is soup right now. can't remember basic things abt#my interests bc i've been on negative battery / spoons for a couple of months straight and it's only getting worse.#OKAY TLDR i'm not in a state to do anything until everything irl gets settled. and i'm trying So Hard to get it all over with but there's#only so much i can do in a day before i completely shut down. i didn't even get into the insurance stuff i've been fighting too ughhhh.#so if i show up on here in short spurts -- hi! bye! hi!! i wuv and care u!!! hope youre well mwah mwah!!!!!!! i'll post what i can and then#disappear when i need to recharge. it is what it is. i need to try to sleep now... uh if this post disappears when i wake up.... yeah......#📌 [ my posts. ]#💭 [ my thoughts. ]#vent -
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#Um she told me she's in love with me and if anything happens to know I'm hot and she wants me#And then went into a lot of detail just repeating over and over the things she wants / fantasies about me incoherently#Which I'm sure means nothing right#I know this is complicated for her she hates being attracted to me but it is hard to have her be like this is bad when she says she wants m#I don't know what to do#personal#tbdeleted#Triggering for me yikes#messy messy messy#Honestly think she is just grieving so its latching onto me as a woman she can love in a safe way#And I am glad I can be that I guess like obviously she needs that and I want to keep her safe#But I know I can't and she even said it#Like I know she will go home and then be gone forever#I think I am already grieving her in a way#And she has hurt many people I love dearly#Hurt them in deeply upsetting triggering ways that aren't okay and don't make me feel safe#She really lacks understanding of consent and that hurts people but I know she does want me and i think if I tried to stop her I could#I shouldn't be in situations where I am unsure of that though but at the same time it's like if something happens it happens#Idk how much of this is my own issues and thinking I'm not deserving of safe respectful sex and intimacy and my own guilt for everything#And how much of it is her own issues and guilt and grief#But I know I can be safe and loving for her#And I do know there is genuine love there no matter what other factors there are#Anyways sorry if you read all that I am giving you the biggest forehead kisses#I just think about how different it might have been if I had *** **** *** ** *** *** ****** ** *****#I thought I couldn't cope if I had but how can I cope that I didnt#I should have *** *** *** when I could have#This is unrelated but its all tangled up and it's just been bad trauma day already#If I had **** * ****** **** if I had *** *** if I had **** ***** or#Anyways **** ***** ****** **
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Song of the Day: May 22
"And So It Goes” Billy Joel cover by Jennifer Warnes
#song of the day#I'd never heard this version of the song before that fanvid I reblogged earlier and it is by far my favorite now#no shade to Billy Joel but damn#'and so it goes and so it goes / and you're the only one / who knows'#truly heartbreaking delivery#in other news today I got the first third of the Idiot Project completed#(clarification: there are three segments and I've been working on them all and now one is completely done and I'm very glad#I'm not only just now 33% of the way done with the project overall. I'd become a mollusc)#I had a breakthrough with the financials data I've been trying to compile#the 'correct' numbers I've been told to compare myself to don't include all the transactions!#there are specific internals codes I should have known to exclude because they get recorded but never reported#a very frustrating epiphany but whatever. I get it#(I mean to say. the best borscht in cherry grove is money laundering but my university is operating by 'pass-along agreement'#okay sure whatever y'all say. not my business and I'm not mad. I'm just sipping my tea real loud don't mind me)#I got this information too thoroughly wrapped in 'you should already know this obvious thing' to actually get an explanation#but I can see the shape of it if I squint. there's a politics bit going on and I get it. I do get it. but y'all. it's the shape of bullshit#anyway now I know how it works and I can account for it so I've built in a little filter and now my financials data makes sense!!#it actually makes sense now babes this is huge!! two months!! two months of the Idiot Project and now it's a third-chunk down!!#tomorrow I will make no progress whatsoever because I have to work graduation but on Friday when I have my stupid awful meeting!#she will ask me again if I am done! and I will say Look!! I am 1 out of 3 done!!#she will not be impressed but I will know. I will know she is wrong
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so CBT never worked for us in therapy. basically every instance of it was therapists trying to get us to stop being anxious about very real problems that were very likely to happen. like, situations that were not only likely, but would be very dangerous if they did happen. sometimes even things that had already happened and were likely to happen again.
meanwhile we have an app on our phone that guides you through various CBT exercises and it turns out when we use that for the kind of shit where we already know our brain is being irrational and we just want to get our thoughts together and work through the issue by writing it out, it works really fucking well and oh look suddenly we've been doing CBT for an hour and processed the root cause of several key emotional issues we've been having for years.
funny how that works. it's almost like we can actually figure out for ourselves when something is irrational and when it's an actual real problem that could put us in danger and shouldn't be dismissed. who'd have fucking thought it
#personal#thoughts#Lucy post#therapy#this is fine to reblog if it resonates with you. if anyone starts being a shithead in the notes I'm blocking on sight though#do not pull a ''see! CBT can be helpful if it's done right! if it harmed you then your therapist was just doing it wrong'' in my comments#the therapists that harmed us were using the exact same techniques but just as a blanket solution for every single problem#and yeah you can argue that's ''doing it wrong'' and I couldn't really say you're wrong about that#but when someone's saying ''hey the way this technique is usually used has done a lot of harm to me''#it's kind of shitty to be like ''well that's not real CBT though. real CBT isn't harmful''#when it's the same techniques being used in the way they're very often used because the therapists are taught to use them that way#anyway this has been a random rant about CBT because I'm pissed that a tool that does help us when used for a very specific set of issues#has been used so badly in the past that we still end up being reluctant to use it for the things it actually helps with#because we still associate the fucking thinking traps and shit with being gaslit and told we were being irrational#for thinking very real very dangerous situations were in fact real and dangerous to us#having to admit that CBT helped with something feels like when you finally take the advice about going outside and hydrating more#and eating better and gratitude journaling and realise you do actually feel better and have to admit the advice does help#after years of feeling like you're being dismissed because people keep telling you to do those things when you talk about being depressed#like okay yeah it did actually work. when I chose to do it. when I felt ready to#when I wasn't being forced into it by people expecting it to fix every single issue I have despite it only helping in very specific ways#anyway I wonder how much quicker we'd have learn healthy coping mechanisms if people hadn't treated various shit like cure-alls#and had said ''hey this will help with this specific thing in this way which will make these other things more manageable'' instead
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there’s something so sacred about sharing what you love with others: whether it be a song or food or clothes, a show or a movie or pictures. it's just... such a deep and personal thing, you know? having someone carve out a little part of their heart and gift it to you with an abundance of joy and excitement and passion... yeah.
#i lowkey had an awful day today lol#and it was my first day taking over as teacher so that's a great way to start it#there are people in seventh period who literally despise me and maybe that's an exaggeration but i looked over their creative writing for#the day and one of those kids literally wrote about how he was having a good day but then it turned into a bad day when i started the#creative writing with them so that was great and other stuff happened idk and one of my tics was really... uh... present today and i was so#aware of it and i feel like everyone was laughing at me because of it even tho ik that was just me being self-conscious but God i wanted to#cry and i shared a piece of my heart with them today for the creative writing exercise and so many of them just. told me how awful it was#like someone straight up started with 'this song is terrible' and then proceeded to write a paragraph about how bad it was#idk. it made me feel like a young kid again - sitting by myself on the playground and reading books. like i was in middle school and#everyone was telling me that the things that i loved were stupid. like i was a kid getting teased just lowkey enough that the teachers#couldn't tell because it wasn't necessarily outright bullying but they were making fun of what i loved which Hurts and then i was in high#school having to defend what i love and then in college hearing 'you ruined this for me because you liked it too much' and it just. idk.#it hurts. i find sharing passions and what i love with others so sacred and important and it Hurts when they just tear it and you down and#ik they're juniors and ik there will always be people like that but it was constant and idk. i'm just sad lol#so anyways even if someone shares something with you that you don't like there is literally No reason to be rude about it. you're allowed#to say you dislike it but it's not okay to just tell them straight up it's stupid or awful or you'd rather get hit by a car than hear the#song again. hm. ig i have some unresolved trauma lol#sorry for the rant y'all i just. needed to rant ig idk
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