#anything worthwhile to say abt it.

[nomaishuttle]

listening to the new sadboyz and im like. rly disappointed with how theyre talking abt the sssniperwolf shit ...

[exopelagic]

what WAS the normal child response to learning abt climate change actually. bc I’m pretty sure ‘depressed for at least 6 months and becoming deeply fascinated by apocalypses for ~3 years’ was prooooobably not it but who am I to say

[heliianth]

i miss my friends

[jefferythejelly]

r any of the ludwig enjoyers online can anyone tell me if the new mogul mail is worth watching or if its gonna give me sapummy ache

[shortscircuits]

finally read that The Drift article abt jack antonoff and its not even that negative 😭 like idk…are pop fans just too sensitive? i thought we all knew pop music was ultimately commercial and therefore prone to bending towards the will of the masses instead of striving towards something unique and genuine. i thought that was a given. i feel like the only people who took great offense to that article are just people who are in denial about being fans of pop music. sorry babes but jack antonoff is mainstream.

[unproduciblesmackdown]

i think i've only seen a soma playthrough twice and the first time i didn't absorb it great lol but upon just some light brushing up (incl a short article that was one of the few results that cropped up when i was like "show me the images for 'soma's save feature featured fisting, right' (yeah basically)") it's like, it's always fun when you're just left with a lot of room to Interpret Themes and unsurprisingly at this juncture i'm lasering in on just, like, the matter of [the self vs the other] via this premise that basically people can just make a copy of their Psyche at any point (but needing to find a new & different Soma in which to upload it but like, largely setting that aside when In This Scenario the new bodies don't affect their minds / sense of self at all....except for when they sometimes do? or maybe not. the like glitchy monsters are just kind of WAU automatons, right. and the people are all able to act / communicate themselves as people, though they might be affected by like, existential crises over the goings on) wherein like....the protagonist can Split In Two* at a few points via the psyche copying/uploading, and then the game Follows the copy that will be continuing to advance the plot, and the version of the protagonist we Were following is now An Other even though it's like, that was The Self (at least insofar as that was our first person pov player character) up till just now. and the protagonist can Know like, yeah that's You right over there also. and yet iirc from like, yesterday's light research, in the first instance he at least gets the Option to kill that Other/Self who was, up till just then, the Self to us too, if that makes him feel better abt the existential crisis, or at least discomfort, enough to like, keep moving right along lol (speaking of. just the other day i was like "adagioly onomatopoeiaing the opening banjo strums of rainbow connection from the muppet movie soundtrack does so much for me" and then i learned it was the anniversary of its theatrical release. hell yes. also memorably once when like marinating for hours in a general malaise & failing to find the wherewital to get up i was like "haha oh wait. i'm playing the song 'movin right along' from the muppet movie in my head. okay" up & at em)

anyways the fisting article (which, i was wondering what thoughts it would have on that truly interesting facet of the game. mostly it posited that the uhh sphincteresque penetration of it all would be Typically considered to make cishet men anxious / threatened / vulnerable, and notes the protagonist (hypothetically a cishet man) is indeed trepidatious about it, while also arguing he markedly Doesn't really hesitate in shit that hurts or endangers others in the course of his shit (though ig that can also depend on the player? haven't really rewatched it recently enough to know how much his dialogue adds to [as a character though he's making it clearer he just wants to cut a swath through your shit asap]) and also questions whether the game thinks of (or, from their argument, knows of) the protag as pretty sphincteresque himself. and like yeah probably imo lol like thee ending being what it is, and as far as i know no like Multiple Endings like in amnesia series* stories usually, and thus more room to have a protagonist who talks to characters in the present and i think like, without the ability to choose what he says

anyways that the protagonist can Understand like, hey see that guy over there, that's literally also you rn, and yet he can [Not accept that] in one case such that he'll kill that Self for "his own" Self's comfort really, as the fisting article expressed, to continue believing he is Unique and the One True Self, the only Real [himself]. when, to be sure, the game Could have kept the first person pov on that version of him we'd Been up till then, and had that pov of the one killed. or maybe left behind in another instance, i don't remember all the "transfers"....catherine Explicitly explaining that only the copy/upload format is possible, Not Transfers, making sense what with like. her magic brain scans that can can wholly parse & store your Psyche data, whatever that'd be like, definitely not being meant to, say, Extract the person's Psyche from their living human body upon doing so. while the ending's drama comes from the game Now staying with the version of the protag who'd been our first person pov character prior to that "transfer," who is Again like "why am i still here" despite having the "it's not actually a transfer" explained, b/c This version Just So Happens to be the copy of the copy of the copy like simon(4) or (5) or whatever and ofc can't have been the one(s) already just left behind somewhere back there in the complex or he wouldn't have been able to be at that point in the first place. and then "killing" catherine b/c he's so pissed, i remember it as him hitting whatever device was her effective Soma, but the article i think suggested she just got too stressed in turn and that Output fried the device. while, of course, post credits shows us their "transferred" selves just fine chilling in the ark like whew glad all that's done with

anyways just getting around to the fact of how it's easy to land on catherine as the center of the game....and of course she's the one really Not having crises over [my god, copies of my Self] or others' selves or what all, having even less of a usual Soma than simon but rolling with it, and evidently having already fully absorbed her Self as a distinct version from her original Self, despite having the same links to her that make simon or anyone else who's been copied into whatever other Soma feel like he's continuously been Himself(tm), the one true Real Self he's always been....and like, naturally catherine being the one behind the entire project of [what if we copy/paste people's psyches into a big ol mmorpg server & shoot it into space so that Maybe something can happen with them / in a way they can continue to exist] so she's Been thinking of, you know, being separate from these Selves turned Others who you'll jettison into space beyond even the body of the earth. unless it's supposed to stay in orbit lol i do not remember the details....and ofc like plenty of other people are like wow that's Fucked Up or it's Not Us and like, the latter sure is true with with the [copying, not transferring] element, but also the former is more choose your own adventure (interpretation) when the game isn't about like, and the simulation Is fucked up, or there's any element of distress or dissonance to existing on the ark, though you can't really know that until the post credits scene confirms you're just hanging out for real....which, that article was also going in on the character who's on this quest to kill the WAU as like "the versions of us it makes isn't Real it's Corrupting" and like, arguably the WAU as just kind of, naturally, something capable of growing, and doing so, and the real problem seeming to come in with the [doing whatever for supposed safety but superceding/supplanting/displacing autonomy in doing so] like, people who did not agree to whatever was done re: their Somas or they would've remembered & been like yeah i'm hanging out as a robot now, or a goop guy, gunk [YES], etc. but separate from that obvious issue it's like, my guy, You're a copy made by the WAU now lol, you're your whole person that you are, with the thoughts & feelings to decide you wanna go on a quest to destroy it, and whatever capacity to pursue it....either way i think the game makes it clear enough the WAU is a Neutral force exercising no conscious discernment, it Is a body, or it's some body (once told me) anyways lol, though i guess i did just go "those Monsters that can chase you are just wau manifestations right" so that's getting kind of complex lol, but even that can be taken as, like, it Mimicking human's shapes & bipedality & other external characteristics, i guess, and just the way an overall theme can be [hmm where's that division between the soma and psyche, machine and ghost] the WAU has been expanding and making various forms of itself, and of humans, and that's also an element of the fisting that starts out as a fingering and can end with having to leave part of yourself in WAU's core if you have completed the choice to corrupt & destroy it, that Connection and Interfacing is required, with increasing [get it in there] required as well though there's no given clear in universe reason why (w/my theory here being: just the Themes of the increasing interaction / reducing Boundary)

where was i going with this. idk naturally there's people like "well you don't have to see the wau as evil or at least required to be destroyed" like yeah one can imagine the case for that, wherein again this one guy's hypothetically mad abt like oh it can't be Us it's making, like, brother in christ You are here as You are b/c of what wau did, if you don't think You're legitimate enough, how can you be dead set on pursuing any decision you make. but also the lack of autonomy wherein wau has (probably? again would have to rewatch) killed people to transfer them to a less fragile soma, but a) also maybe it's just acted when people were already dying / killed from other causes, and naturally there's the Everyone There Doomed To Die Fairly Imminently factor and b) that [wau's neutral / purely soma no psyche (or is it. etc)] aspect that is that classic mixup of wau just acting on its programming in a way unintended by its programmers re protecting life and c) i think WAU can sure be interpreted as a parallel counterpart to the ark project, where people agreed to the latter, & get to chill with simulated bodies in a simulated world, versus the WAU being that [body, world, realm of physical existence] which is funky & Not like a cool nice recreation of the usual world & is also at the bottom of the ocean, but it's sure trying to extend the existence of ppl's psyches by shoving them into whatever robots or slapping together parts or propping up their original body or what all, i don't remember that many of the characters encountered

Anyways Back To Catherine For Real. i'd forgotten this element completely, but that when catherine finds out her original self had been killed by crewmates (lol. amongst) for being set on carrying out the plan for the ark, Her Project, (i.e. launching it into space (risking that launch going incorrectly) vs keeping it on site at the bottom of the ocean here (theoretically less risky, according to at least the crewmate who killed her about her insisting on launching it anyways)) and catherine's copy / now alternate self comments on being like, a bit disappointed And surprised b/c like she says "i knew they didn't like me, but," like not thinking that dislike would lead to a semi accidental killing her (where apparently the guy who killed her may have been wearing the like powered diving suit w/the extra Strength to operate in the water pressure, like oh didn't mean to hit her That hard. in a different soma already) and seeing other ppl (not in universe) commenting on how it sure did seem to be culmination of like "the way others treated her" and how catherine always mentioned like, never having really had friends including as a crewmate here, being an Introvert....in fact, now i'm remembering that catherine doesn't even say "i knew they didn't like me, but" but rather something very close to "i know i'm not easy to like, but" like, aaaugh....like, as ever, a character or a Real Life Person sharing any particular info like "i'm [xyz]" Isn't Required for just trying to always not be ableist and to always treat other people as people even if they don't "just be normal" correctly enough, supposedly. rather than [what is "just being normal" is Correct & Good and you do Not need to undergo a continuous lifelong journey of in fact questioning this & navigating & learning how to communicate & interact & relate, you just need to fleetingly muster some superficial unhelpful Bonus efforts sometimes when you encounter the rare "exception" like someone who hands you their License To Autiste and you can let them keep their fidget cube and continue treating everyone you encounter ever organic aba style]....like, naturally in the game there's no twist where catherine turns out to be Evil or even antagonistic. she's like, patient, encouraging, friendly, helpful all throughout. she's also, ofc, simon's only guide (adding to the suspense of that [my god. my only guide was evil, and/or just my antagonist now anyways]) so he doesn't really get to pick someone he'd Like more. but that like, lifelong matter of why catherine doesn't Get to have had friends. that even as this professional associate she's treated differently, and worse, b/c you have to personally like someone & find them charming & je ne sais quoissy to Not be worse to them? it's fine to be shitty until catherine can, say, say "i've noticed you're being kind of shitty. it's probably b/c i'm autistic, officially, which i'm choosing to share with you & am now presenting my license about it, so maybe be cool about it" and then and only then go "oh ok" and Make The Exception rather than shifting your entire shitty Rule (they also would not actually really make the exception. "shoutout" too to the concept that, of course, it's actually Disrespectful to stop hating autistic ppl b/c you should treat them The Same as anyone else, and you're bringing that organic ABA all the time as part of your "just be normal" ethos life, so be sure to keep being an asshole to them & double empathy probleming putting all the depletion, extraction, punishment, losses, harms on them and all the rewards on yourself)

and like, catherine being killed b/c she was this Body who was going to take away the ark (her project / creation, which she was also just insisting on following what'd always been the plan for) wherein like, even if this guy didn't mean to kill her, he sure did after lashing out at her, same as happens w/simon in the end....and catherine also failing to be thee most "normal/default" version of a person as well by being a Woman, and probably not white either, and, of course, a nonwhite woman, also making her that much more vulnerable to being Out Of Line(tm) by just like, existing as a person & trying to do her shit, though misogyny, racism, orientalism or the like isn't explicitly invoked or especially implicitly hinted at that hard either, but it's like, how does this [scifi magical realism set in the not That distant future but material made in the way less distant past, i.e. all intents & purposes modern / current day of: in the 2010s] have Relevance beyond "would that be fucked up or what" type Invention that doesn't map on to our experiences at all....you don't Have to read into catherine twice being killed by a man who's lashing out b/c she's not delivering what he wants, but you sure don't Have to Not and be like "this is definitely No Misogyny world" like they're still being implicitly ableist b/c she's just not deemed Winsomely Likable enough, she's internalized that with that "i'm not easy to like" framing, why assume a premise of [misogyny is over] [racism is over] etc. whilest soma doesn't really proffer any scenario of like "oh if it weren't for our being able to perceive our designated Physical Differences in our human bodies, all that oppression would be over," that's not being explored even in the specific situation of its plot in the first place; people on the ark seem to have the simulation of the same bodies they originally did, ppl Can retain like, how they'd move, their voices, their sense of their bodies: elements of their physicality. and, you know, whether one even supposes there Is any meaningful body/mind division, though in soma it Is this premise like oh yeah we can digitize your psyche perfectly okay, such that your copy would experience no disruption in that Sense Of Selfness, which is what makes everything particularly like, whoah, and [wow this is just like soma] whenever something kind of invokes similar enough What Ifs but probably less engagingly lol....while also soma is flexible and spacious in letting you interpret shit, you Can defer from fisting wau to death, you don't have to be like "it's so true. thee horrors" abt the Copies Of Selves, who really just become Others to whatever now-other versions of that person, i.e. how catherine, who, as the person who wanted to scan copies of ppl's psyches & put them in a just chilling simulation server launched into space for the Chance of being copy/pasted elsewhere eventually and the chance for the participants to Exist in some form Now, and who did so, is never like, shocked or freaked out by the notion / reality of these copies' existence even though she didn't set out figuring any scans' uploads would end up on the ocean floor stations, she's not aghast & distressed in the end when after having uploaded her latest Self data to the ark & launched it, she's also Not on the ark and Still in the eventually / doomed ocean floor station, even if it's a bummer, b/c she has already just accepted That's How It Works....this [her] was not going to experience being Transferred, like she's Been saying, like she again tells simon while he's blowing up abt [why wasn't i transferred]....just clearly being an example of like, not everyone is like horrified and freaked out and like "that's fake &/or wrong" and you don't have to decide she's incorrect for being Like That, i.e. like, yep, this is the situation, i know there's the me who was killed and the me on the ark and the me here, and i know also we're also for intents and purposes separate people

all that is to say, like, yeah the Scifi What If specific [you can copy/paste your consciousness into a different soma] is there, but also you can be looking at it as just this like, pushing to thee limit of the Self(tm) and the Other(tm) insofar as imagining yourself, as the only Internality / Mind / Selfhood you have access to, as The One True Real Self and all Others as mere somas/bodies, whether you take that to as dehumanizing an extreme as you can or you just put some double standards on Others / treat them as lesser/less Real, or oh but just Sometimes, in Some Cases, which is fine and relevant to anything, rather than what's fine and relevant being to always be aware that everyone's Otherness is a matter of perspective, you're the Other to everyone else, everyone is just as The Self as everyone else, You Could Be That Other, that other Is [you] to themself, you are the "that could be you" to them....with soma, it can just be elevated to "that Other WAS you from 0.5 mmsec ago, and continues to be them, b/c they didn't experience any disruption in their existence, though now you're both in different situations of: different locations, different bodies, the awareness there's that Other Self over there now, possibly the difference of killing that self you were just copied from so you can go on feeling like the One Real Self"....but wherein like, that's just like, [What If: you Were able to wholly & accurately Know the self inside an Other? b/c it's you from 5 min ago] of like, scenarios like [what if you time traveled 5 min into the past] except wherein that case there's usually the efforts to Resolve(tm) the timeline of that One True Self one way or another, ultimately. or is there. obviously who's positing that soma is the only material to be About the "whoa lol. me as an other" concept made scifily literal or anything

anyways that like, it creates that situation wherein one Can point & go "literally literally me" but also simultaneously one Can go "that's Not literally me arrrgh" or "that's also Not literally me, matter of factly"....simon's wrangling with the Othering of his One True Self, but he can also Know, should he choose to shift to that perspective, that all the Others who aren't alternate copies of him are all Another True Selves, An Other True Self even, though ofc as per the nature of not having a collective consciousness, he Doesn't Know the accurate whole of their psyches b/c he was not ever [literally them], but he doesn't need to to know they're just as [a whole psyche in there] as his own have been. original catherine with her fellow original crewmates being othered enough by them for the dehumanization of treating her worse, her being isolated, that indeed her being killed doesn't feel separate from all that by her or by anyone else, just an escalated extreme final fatal manifestation of it, b/c nobody ever liked her in the first place and then she became a (psyche Piloting a) body getting in the way of what one guy with amplified strength at that moment wanted from the project she made to let others' psyches keep existing in some way, which was deemed valuable enough by that guy to want to commandeer it and keep it at the bottom of the ocean versus risk a launch, regardless of how you the player think of the idea

and thinking of the way you can like, effectively befriend that boxy underwater little propellered Regular Simple Robot Helper that follows you around at some point, that is, of course it can't talk to you, it's definitely Just(tm) this not-ever-a-version of a human robot for practical tasks (dyspeptical tasks, clerical tasks, hysterical tasks) and like, imagine Its interiority, get invested, try to protect it, humanize it regardless....whereas with actual humans, and their psyches in a microchip, you can kill them for not perfectly delivering whatever you wanted even when that's not what other humans ever exist to do. then simon loses the Company he still could've Gotten From catherine, [guy who killed original catherine] didn't succeed in keeping the ark unlaunched, b/c that's what you go and do....but really just thinking of that Thread that feels so extremely relevant of like, catherine copy being simon's only option sure and working With him on this mission until we stay with the edition of him who realizes it didn't lead to his escape onto the ark, i.e. always being in relation to him in a manner of a direct practical teamup & a [take it or leave it] sole option for that anyways....but that in her original, human-bodied life, she was always "oh only a little bit" dehumanized by everyone such that she is very much aware of the way that's defined & limited her life, never had friends, i know i'm difficult to like; until that dehumanization escalated to the extreme of trying to hit her to stop her from seeing her project through, and just happening to kill her, and the fact that this seems to no one just a coincidental whoopsie of a fate just entirely disconnected from the way others always saw her and treated her as this Other among others, while other [psyche/soma]s of others who are clearly not Your Self get to have friends and not be isolated and feel hard to like forever and end up killed by coworkers

tl;dr like love a text just inviting plenty of interpretations and lenses and perspectives, ofc gonna look at it like whoa it's anarchy in there (political cats sense) where are the borders where you are thee self above thee other....soma providing that thinnest boundary of like, yeah that mf over there? there but for the [being in a different body, in a different place, with 7 seconds of negligibly different life experience] go ye. but also the usual boundary of "that person is in a different body in a different place with a different whole life but you're [that] to them and they're just as much a person and a self and an other as you are" like catherine center of the game to me

(* just remembered i had these asterisks: sure enjoying how the premise of amnesia games effectively creates Alternate Selves b/w the protagonist's present self, with however much missing time, and past selves whose goings on are completely relevant to the in media res situation you're also tackling while obtaining pieces of that past to priovide further context/info, and how this premise manifests for different stories each time; you've even got oswald like physically divided into Two Selves in a:amfp, though iirc it's not like, psychically equivalent, kinda "regular oswald & nefarious destroy the world duplicitous oswald" lmao, classic....uhh and shoutout to penumbra being similar ish in that the protagonist's story isn't want's relevant, he's trying to find out what happened to his dad and more broadly the like underground pocket world he enters for those answers? iirc....but that soma shares that amnemonic premise of [intro] [suddenly like ???] [having to navigate your present mission & figure out the past & your Missing time] but like, thee respective Lores don't overlap really, soma obviously starts present day and takes an even more obvious leap into a future / completely different location, rather than amnesia games being set in the past with missing time of like, idk months? to even just days, uhh supposedly like [forever] in justine but that's like, i dunno sure lol, the peak mysterious / withheld protagonist really, on purpose. while naturally there's also the fact that, technically, this simon we are following at the start of the game did not actually forget anything, and that's a fun distinction despite that it otherwise initially seems like the same [amnesia] premise....and that he did kind of ""forget"" things in that original simon lived however much longer before dying, that his scan then ofc didn't retroactively include. so once again it's like, well, in amnesia ppl have likewise kind of rewound to a Past Self before the missing [crucial context to your in media res misadventure] time, w/daniel (and justine) even doing this On Purpose, though as is the nature of the amnesia series, everyone regains enough of that missing info about their goings on anyways, though you the player are Not in a story of like "wow they did Exactly the same thing again and ended up in the same place anyways" and Do get to kinda choose who they are / indeed end up with some Alternate Self, potentially, despite there being plenty of room wherein like, it's not precisely, granularly laid out Exactly Who They Are at any point anyways. only just now getting extra amnemonic lore that yes daniel got all fucked up on vitae rituals b/c that's just what happens! and people are fairly horny for it! always a possible interpretation that he was high on vitae (okay one proffered pronunciation of "curriculum vitae" (which i was like lord i feel like i've gone "what tf is that" about before but what tf is that. turns out it's what CV stands for as your specifically educational resumé) does say "vitae" would, in that case, rhyme with "nigh." other sources are listing like a million different combinations of a million different ways to pronounce each syllable. also they gotta say it a way in the game but i forget. daniel's VA apparently being some chemistry teacher? just like alchemy. not what the pope said to do, weird science, it's my creation....) anyways! the psyches diverge, the bodies don't, unless they do (oswald....uhh the guy in the bunker. lambert :( ) like catching up with The Self again, encountering extreme examples of Othering and Dehumanizing and [you are just like only a soma to me] with various means and ends of acting thusly to get xyz results

[sugar-omi]

Piggybacking off your last hc. Step 4 Cove DEFINITELY repays the favor when you are older. He forgives but he won't forget it. Once he gets more open and smug about it he waits until you aren't expecting it.

"Now you understand how I felt." With the biggest grin on his face. Absolutely ruining you for the foreseeable future.

YES YES YES THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT IM ALWAYS THINKING ABT !!!! i think this is from after i posted *this post. this draft has been sitting here awhile, im so sorry....

tags : NSFW, gn reader, dom/top cove, mayhaps a tad ooc, high libido cove+reader,

older cove becoming more confident in pleasing you, becomes less shy about all his desires and how much he wants you.

and now it's his turn to ruin you.

afterall, you edged and overstimulated him so many times. you've shamelessly begged for just one more round or "just let me get you off once, please?" and you two still ended up sneaking away from your friends or family for a quickie.

now it's his turn to beg for a quickie before you go to work.. "i'll make it worthwhile so please?..."

between those puppy eyes and the promise of the best head you could and will ever get in your life, you can't exactly say no~

even if he doesn't end up pulling you into the bed for a quick round before work, you end pulling him in.

one morning you were showering, cove on the other side of the curtain, fluttering about trying to get ready for the day

and you really did try to ignore your urges. you thought if maybe you just waited for him to finish brushing his teeth, you could shower in peace.

but distance makes the heart grow fonder, even if the only distance is a few feet between the shower and your bedroom, and your heart is your aching sex.

even when you slip your fingers into your cunt / wrap your hand around your cock, it isn't enough. you're e just fucking yourself on your fingers / into your hand so pitifully you can't ignore it anymore

cove almost laughs when you call for him, all pitiful needing him, needing his cock. anything. you just need him to make you cum

he'd be so torn between giving in and fucking you over the counter, and hopefully he either isn't dressed or isn't wearing his best pants because otherwise they'll end up soaked in water

doesn't matter, though, since he gets to see your lewd satisfied expressions in the mirror, and he gets to see you limp, melting into the counter after you finish

but he'd definitely consider leaving you pent up..

kisses you and tells you that you can do it when you get home, and if he's feeling bold, he'll outrightly tell you that if you behave, he'll fuck you once you get home <3

mmm we talked about this a long time ago, but not being able to cum without cove...

after all those years of bringing cove outta his shell sexually, practically training him to please you, and making him crave your body...

you didn't realize you were doing the same to yourself.

after all, you were the one fucking cove senseless and practically milking him.

sucking him off in the middle of your date, all the hot birthday sex, fucking him or being fucked by him...

oh and especially when you made him cum over and over again, pulling all you could from his poor cock until he all but sobbed about how he couldn't cum again

you loved how much he craved you, spurred on by the raging horiness of most teenagers, the two of you feeding off each other in that way, and hs tauntilizing partner

but now it's totally backfired on you, now you just feel restless when you finish by yourself. almost needing your boyfriend in order to have a satisfying orgasm

and some nights you do, more specifically the nights you and cove are apart

doesn't matter which one of you is away for work or just on a trip, cove preens when you call him, all breathless and needy, trying and failing to get yourself off

encourages you to tell him more, tell him how you need him.

i wonder if he'd make you facetime him so he can see how needy you are, see how much of a mess you make of yourself

promises to fuck you once you or him gets home

oh and he holds up to that promise, the luggage hitting the floor and he closes the door louder than he'd have liked, and fumbles to blindly get the locks and chain done up

will fuck you until there's tears in your eyea, if not rolling down your cheeks.

if he ends up fucking you all night, and you finish many more times before him..

well you did help build up his stamina, so you can't really blame him for being able to keep it up so long

he'd be happy to remind you of it as well!!

he'll have you caged between his arms, his hips pistoning into yours, the bed hitting the wall and you're on the verge of tears...

all while he's growling about how you spent so long teasing him, almost using him for a fucktoy when you were helplessly horny in the dead of night

how you used to always pull him aside or sneak in, how you two would take advantage of every second you had alone...

although he's happy to be gentle, that way he can enjoy pulling orgasm after orgasm out of you, and can devour the sight of your lewd expressions and loud moans

don't feel bad, though, for corrupting your sweet boyfriend, you two are soulmates after all, so you two can handle each other in desperate times like these, right? <33

[captainpulisic]

is it cool that I said all that? - c. pulisic

this is me manifesting reputation tv + this is an old draft I just finished up so it takes place abt a year ago when they were all still at chelsea

wc: 1.7 k , gif credits to to owner

it was routine at this point. and very frustrating for everyone that had to bear witness to the shameless flirting you and christian participated in every time your paths crossed. 

it had started with occasionally bumping into each other at parties- you ran in the same circles, it was bound to happen. you’d spend the whole night tucked away in a corner, whispering and lightly brushing against each other. any girls vying for his attention that night were fighting a losing battle, christian too enraptured with refilling your drink and getting to know every detail about you. countless times girls had come up to the two of you, keen on winning his attention and luring him away, only to roll their eyes and stomp away when he paid them no mind. he never even noticed, too caught up in whatever you were saying, his pinky brushing against your hand. 

all his teammates would laugh at how he’d always been reluctant to come to these parties, yet having found you, was now the first to show up. he now spent the weekdays waiting for the weekend, counting the minutes until he’d see your warm eyes and bright smile. but it never amounted to anything more, both of you too shy to make a move. when the night would wind down and the party would clear up, you’d smile and bid farewell until the next party. 

when this became too tedious and christian too desperate to see you again, he decided to man up and be the one to dm you. enough was enough and he wasn’t going to get by on biweekly encounters and social media stalking you on the daily. from there, a streak of flirty messages and late night talking began. yet, again, nothing more came from it.

“just man up and ask her out,” ben bugged at him- having caught christian smiling down at his phone too many times.

one night, after a day of nonstop texting (yes, he had upgraded from dms to getting your number), you had let it slip that you’d never been to a match since relocating to london. you’d been eager to go but had never had a good enough push to actually do it. instantly he had invited you to the next match at the bridge, swearing it'd be a worthwhile experience.

it’s a date, christian replied and you both went to sleep that night with stupid grins. 

fast forward a week later, the day of the match, and you’d spent the morning jumpy with nerves. was it really a date or had he just called it one in the midst of the moment? what if it was like a friend date? cue the nerves amping up. 

your knees felt a little woozy when you recalled the phone call just last night (yes, phone calls between the two of you were a thing now, too). you’d stay up well into morning hours, talking on the phone, him recounting training days and you complaining about uni work. before hanging up, he softly said through the receiver, “I can’t wait to see you tomorrow.” 

and christian had stuck true to his word, the match and experience as surreal as you had hoped. the rut chelsea had been in recently was irrelevant, them managing to actually win the match- the first win in weeks. you were quite embarrassed at how you spent the entire time fawning over christian. seeing him play, all in his element, left you with heated cheeks and a thumping heart.  

after the game, you follow the instructions he had left for you to find your way down to him. after twists and turns in tunnels and important looking halls, you’d found the outside of the locker room. politely smiling at some girls you’d recognized from the parties, you hung in the back, nerves of seeing christian began bubbling inside of you. as players filed out, one by one, each greeted their waiting girlfriends and invitees. every guy out was one step closer to finally seeing him. 

after what seemed like an eternity, there he was. catching eyes at the same time, his handsome face broke into a smile, managing to tug at every one of your heartstrings. in few strides, he’s standing in front of you, his hand stretched out for you. pulling you to the far side of the room, to a hidden nook, you’re away from the eyes and ear of everyone else there. 

“hi,” looking down at you. “thank you for coming.” 

mirroring his lovesick smile, “of course. I wouldn’t have missed it for anything.” 

neither you nor christian remark on the fact that he hadn’t let go of your hand yet. and his brown eyes are staring intently into yours as he gives your hand a squeeze, “what did you think? was it everything you expected?”

“yeah, it was amazing.” you breathe out, trying hard to fight the smile on your face. you’re sure it looks quite silly, both of you with reddened cheeks and shy laughter. making yourself admit to him, “you were amazing.”

this causes christian to beam, his smile getting even wider (as if it were any more possible). he’s unsure of what to say, of what to do. 

he wants to play the modest role and say that he was just doing his job, it was a team effort. he also wants to tell you that he had been trying to show off, well aware that you were somewhere in the stands watching him. he wants to tell you that he hardly slept last night, too nervous over the idea of seeing you today. he also wanted to tell you that you’re always in his head, consuming all his thoughts. or, maybe, he just wants to kiss you. yes, he could tell you all that stuff some other day. right now, all he wants to do is kiss your pretty face and never stop. 

he takes this time to really look you over. from the minute he stepped out of the locker room and spotted you, he hadn’t lost you from his sight. travelling from your eyes to the slope of your nose and down to your lips, he couldn’t get enough of you. 

and from there, is where his attention was brought to the blue fabric around your neck. gaze going down, for the first time, he notices that you’re wearing a chelsea jersey. christian chastises himself, too caught up in her pretty face that you hadn’t seen what she was wearing, idiot? 

his unoccupied hand reaches to touch the part of the shirt closest to your neck. that color blue looked so lovely on you. it’s more of a whisper to himself, “I didn’t know you had a jersey.”

“well I didn’t,” it’s now your turn to beam. too caught up basking in his presence, you'd forgotten all about your little prematch endeavour. you were half nervous he wouldn’t care but half excited that maybe he’d love it. “but I got here early and decided to look around the store. I found something I really liked and had to buy, yanno?” 

ignoring his furrowed brow and confused stare, you let go of his hand to turn around. your back facing him, christian is met with a neatly stitched ‘10�� and ‘pulisic’. 

“you bought my jersey?” he’s dumbfounded, all he can do is stare at his name and number sprawled on your back. finding your hand again, he turns you face to face, again. christian was unsure of what to say, too many emotions going through his head and heart. “I coulda gotten you one for free, you didn’t have to spend your money on it.” 

shaking your head, “nuh-uh, do you know how cool I felt going up to the register with your jersey? the lady working even asked if you were my favorite player.” 

“yeah?” christian felt the two of you getting closer with every word said. as if there was some sort of magnetic force pushing you together, there were only mere inches separating you guys. one hand still holding yours, he let the other settle on your waist. it felt electric, it felt right. his mind flashed with the image of his name on your back, something possessive being awoken in him. “and what did you tell her?”

you pause for a moment, putting on your best poker face. in your most serious voice, “told her no. that mason mounts jersey was sold out so I had to settle for yours.”

instantly his smile drops and there’s a pinch to your hip where some skin was exposed. when did his hand get there? a pout on his lips, “you’re terrible. that was-” 

“a joke,” now you leave a pinch on his cheek. a slight scoff and a glance towards mason on the other side of the room, “mason couldn’t pay me all the money in the world to wear his jersey.” 

“good.” still pouting, he gets even closer with every word. being this close to him, you’re able to count every freckle on his cheeks and the stars in his eyes. both hands on your hips now, “because I don’t wanna share.” 

“well lucky for you, pulisic,” another inch closer, “I don’t want to be shared.” 

lips practically touching, your hands reach to cup his face. from there, you pull him down as you go up on your tiptoes. everything else seemed to fade out as your lips moved together. no rush or urgency, just softness and words unspoken. who needed words? words and confessions could be said later. 

too lost in each other, the two of you were unaware of mason and bens nosey stares. shaking his head at the scene in front of them, ben holds his hand out. “alright, he finally made his move and they’re snogging. pay up.”

“no way!” mason scoffs, “the bet was that he had to make the first move. she practically jumped his bones.”

“bloody specifics,” ben mutters as he opens his wallet and hands mason the 200 (unjustly, in his opinion) owed pounds. 

what? if they had to suffer and watch two idiots fail to flirt, they were going to make some money out of it.

just wanted to post something before the semester started and i got swamped w schoolwork :) like always, feedback is really appreciated, thank you!

[doodoodinklefart]

okAYYYY so ive been planning this au for literally forever and i couldnt get white diamond satoru and black sapphire suguru out of my head... ive seen a couple other hnk x jjk aus floating around but i wanted to take a crack at it!! i'll just explain these three + the setting for now cuz theres a bunch of other shit brewing in my head LOLOL honestly hnk and jjk are pretty different themes-wise i feel so i couldnt rlly help changing a lot abt the world LMAO

in this au its not just a couple gems in the school, there's a bit more of a society and structure outside of it. there are still the three major "clans" though maybe more like major cliffs?? lol?? that the gems are formed in that produce a much higher frequency of strong, high quality gems. i imagine that before the idea of working together (modern jujutsu society) had come about, gems fought to have control of these spots to assure that they would have those to protect them from lunarians (aka curses we're playing a bit fast and loose here). while there were many attempts to merge the clans, the fighting was more a waste of time if anything, so they stayed separate. jujutsu high in this au would probably just be the school, a set of gems that are trained to always be ready to dispatch lunarians and protect tengen (who is the prayer machine here), who has basically been dormant.

and THATS where we get to white diamond. i wanna say while diamonds are p common irl, its rare here for there to be a fully formed diamond lustrous that actually has inclusions. while there have been extremely strong lustrous born from the gojo cliff, white diamond is the first diamond in several centuries, filling a vacancy after others had been taken away to the moon. not only that, he's got special eyes too!! im thinking he can see sunspots from far away, or maybe can tell artificial gems from real ones, like being able to see their inclusions or something. probably both!! either way he has to wear special blackout glasses during the day. his eyes are really reflective so he can work at night too, but that often leaves him restless.

white diamond—in his mind at least—is untouchable, and really it may as well be true. due to the combat training that he's gone through and his hardness of 10, he has never sustained so much as a scratch. he had a tendency to break all of his sparring partners back home, and thus he feels he's hit a brick wall with his training, and that the only things that will come close to putting up a challenge are likely lunarians. he doesn't really care much for weaker gems at this point, and is eager to finally fight lunarians for once. eventually, he is sent off to the school to begin what he would call "actually worthwhile" training.

black sapphire, on the other hand, was born practically from nowhere, in a unremarkable place with little more than himself and a few other older gems that were around to help shape him. with a hardness of 9, he was the strongest among them and—after his first dangerous encounter with lunarians—he realized he had an obligation to protect the rest of them. his strength often leaves him feelings alienated, as he normally ends up working alone for fear of other being taken away. i wanna figure out how to incorporate his ct better but for now ill just keep thinking about it. for now, it was probably his strength that got his scouted and sent to the school.

boulder opal, or just opal, is in training as a doctor at the school, and shows extreme promise. her lax attitude reveals none of her medical prowess, especially when it comes to gems with missing pieces. she has a particularly good eye for finding missing shards, or finding pieces that she can replace missing shards with. there's nothing she can do if their inclusions reject the replacement, however. maybe she has a way of resonating with the other's inclusions to speed healing up on bigger points of damage?? idk ill figure it out

ANYWAYYY this is getting super long so i'll end this shortly BUT!!! basically, white diamond, with black sapphire (who he calls saph), and opal are all training under yaga sensei (idk what kind of gem he would be yet LOL). diamond, at first, sees opal and saph as weak, but quickly realizes they have their own feats. saph in particular is the first lustrous that has ever made sparring fun, because while he's less durable his combat skills make up for it tenfold. maybe black sapphire is the first to ever leave a break on white diamond who knows... opal is probably always having to put the two back together. theyve never lost to a lunarian before, and have certainly never come close to being taken to the moon. these two are the strongest together, and each finally feel like they have a place to belong.

alsooo..... they do get a mission to escort a "star plasma vessel" of sorts. tengen slowly erodes over the years and needs a compatible lustrous to replace their missing pieces. boleite (riko) happens to be that gem, and diamond and saph need to escort her.... lmaoaoao now i have to design riko, toji and kuroi...

[burningcheese-merchant]

Abt burning spice's kingdom interaction with nutmeg tiger when he says "this place it reminds me of the first kingdom i..." do you think he destroyed that kingdom? Or built it?

The fact that he shows regret and hesitation in that line is interesting...

Do you think he became what he is because he doesn't have anything left to lose?

This can perfectly foils Golden cheese's story, even after her kingdom got destroyed she eventually embraces that fact and process that emotions healthily

Sorry im just yapping here, i love me two character that perfectly foils each other while being more similiar than enyone else and form a weird ahh relationship balancing between romantic or wanting to kill each other

-🌾anon

I'm going to go ahead and say both. I think he built it AND destroyed it. In fact, I'm going to go a step further and specify that he accidentally destroyed it while trying to defend it from some invading force, thus making this the first real step down that dark path. Think of it: in a mad frenzy to protect something he loved, he destroyed it instead. He unwittingly became what he was fighting against, if only for a moment - and that moment would set many things in motion, each more terrible than the last, for not only has Burning Spice now come to truly know the bitter taste of loss and history's seemingly futile nature, it came to him in perhaps the worst way possible, and so left the most lasting impression. (Idk if what I tried to cook here came out of the oven right, but there was an attempt lol)

I 100% agree with the idea that Spice became who and what he is after succumbing to despair in the face of seemingly unending loss (I go into detail about it here, this is how I personally headcanon his descent into villainy), and that there is still a lingering sense of regret somewhere inside of his heart, even if small and not strong enough to influence him anymore. That dialogue he has with Nutmeg Tiger is what pushed me to want to analyze him and construct a possible background and motive for him, and later what inspired me to want to redeem not only him, but all five of the Beasts. The fact that he might have regrets is very interesting and very promising to me, and lends itself to the idea that, with time and the right guidance, he could perhaps... change (to keep with the theme haha).

And I also agree with you on him and Golden Cheese being perfect foils for one another (it's part of why I ship them so hard lol). They mirror each other SO well in my eyes. And in the face of the same exact loss, one folded while the other stood strong (although you can say that GC folded as well, at least for a while, before she realized the folly in her delusional grief and collected herself). Nothing lasts forever, that's true, but that doesn't make it meaningless - quite the opposite. It is the ephemeral nature of life that makes it beautiful and worthwhile. It's alright to be upset when something ends, but you can't let that define you. Everything ends eventually. Focus less on what's far ahead or what's far behind and focus more on what's in front of you right now. That's the lesson GC more or less learns, and it's the lesson BS needs to learn too, in my opinion. And I honestly think GC is the right one to help teach him that.

Sorry, I sort of spoiled the "Change" arc in my Reformed Beasts AU a little bit here lol. You really hit the nail on the head with your thoughts here and it prompted me to puke this word salad. Great minds lol

[sparklingcid3r]

something something how any time in the musical darrels future is mentioned its about how “some people”, “everyone knew hed go far”, “people say he had a ticket out” and like we do know wut he wanted but also how everyone saw him. growing up, how much do you think what other people wanted and pressure that was put on him, affected his goals?

I read a Tarry(? it could have just been platonic) fic at one point about how Tim and the greasers kind of viewed Darry as their own golden goose in a sense. He was going to prove to the West Side for all of them that the East Side wasn’t full of burnouts and hoods. If anyone was going to get out of Tulsa, it was Darry. So when he failed, Tim was just thinking, What kind of hope does anyone else have?

At least I think, I haven’t read that fic in a while and don’t know anything else abt it to find it lmfao

But as for Darry himself, I don’t think he really noticed it. He was still a kid himself, but he also gave himself tunnel vision with his own ambition and drive, as well as with the hopes his parents had for him making a better life for himself someplace more worthwhile than Tulsa. I imagine there could have been comments from teachers, praising him and telling him he’s going to make it big one day and to remember the little guys back home, of which he remembers crystal clear when he sets foot back in his hometown.

So of course, when he does come back to Tulsa and it’s not even the result of any mistake he made on his own, but the universe stacking every odd against him until it’s insurmountable, it’s like everyone has stopped holding their breath and now they’re right back where they started.

[fangirlies]

on a high - (a.p)

Pairing: ajax petropolus x fem!reader

Request: what do you think abt reader confessing her feelings to him and theyre reciprocated!

Warnings: drugs. a little groping. best friends to lovers. (Please let me know if I should be aware of anything else!)

A.N: it’s been a while fangirlies! this one wasn’t planned at all (hence why it’s not on my updates) it goes to show how much my brain loves to focus on many things at once. Anyway, enjoy this ajax fluff.

“This was such a bad idea”

“Will you shut up and stop being a wimp for once,”

Ajax took a look around the deserted, dark library. He was obviously becoming paranoid after the joint you two had smoked. He was aware that the repercussions would be severe if the two of you were found in here high and after curfew. On the other end, it was as if you were on cloud nine. You were pleased that your cunning plan to lure Ajax out of his dorm room was successful. That said, your friendship with ajax simply thrived for that very reason. He was always being pushed out of his comfort zone by you; sometimes it required a bit more effort than anticipated, but the experiences you two shared were unquestionably worthwhile. In exchange, he would provide the tiny ziplock bags with weed that would make your adventures even more enjoyable.

“Isn't this nice, Jax? A quiet library all to ourselves where no one can disturb us?” Your hands extended out as you twirled in the space free of tables and bookshelves.

Your best friend laughed at your movements, "Sounds like you're trying to seduce me." He moved toward your spinning body, his anxieties visibly fading.

“Is it working?” You teased, coming to a stop in front of him, wrapping your arms around his shoulders as you gazed into his warm brown eyes.

It sent chills down your back when Ajax whispered, "Maybe." The two of you frequently made jokes and flirtatious remarks were tossed either way. This one, though, felt different.

The two of you locked eyes for a split second, trying frantically to read the situation. Fearing that taking the action both of you were itching to scratch would damage a friendship that had developed over the years. But as soon as he shifted his attention to your lips, you took a chance that you hoped you wouldn't have to pay for when you sobered up and pressed your lips onto his. You could tell that he was afraid to take it too far when his hands settled on your lower back. His snakes were heard hissing under his beanie as you two shared a slow and passionate kiss. It seemed as though he had been longing to taste you for a while but never gathered the confidence. Both of your tongues were circling about in each other's mouths before you gained the courage to pull away from his kiss, which was only getting more intense by the second. You couldn't look at him, your forehead resting on his chest as if you were afraid to do so.

“Jax. . .” You spoke, trying to steady your breathing.

He was only able to reply with a low "hmm." He was once more filled with anxiety as he awaited your upcoming words.

Your eyes were now meeting his, and you wish you could read his thoughts right now. "I want you to be more than just my best friend," you say. It had been a couple of years of feeling this way but you were afraid that if your feelings weren’t reciprocated, your friendship wouldn’t be the same.

Each second that he didn’t answer felt like an eternity. You could start to feel your heart drop down to your stomach as he scanned your face and a small smile tugged at the corner of his mouth.

“Are you just saying that because you want free weed?”

You scoffed before you burst out laughing.

“Maybe,”

Your back pockets were reached for by Ajax as he rolled his eyes at your response and drew you closer to his chest. It caught you off guard because he's never caressed your ass before.

"That's a bold move," he said as he leaned down to place a sweet peck on your lips—snakes dancing around his beanie in pure bliss at this point—"and just so you know, I was kinda hoping you'd say that."

A.N: feedback always welcomed! it’s my first time writing for jax, so be nice.

For the bestie that sent in this request— I hope it was more or less what you had in mind! thank you for requesting 🤍🦋🪴🧚🏼‍♀️

requests are closed at the moment however— inbox is always open! Share your thoughts! Talk to me! Get something off your mind! ✨

[osarina]

CARINA I SWEAR TO GOD LET THEM BE HAPPY FOR ONCE

BUT OK THIS PART WAS SO GOOD UGH THE GUILD IS HERE WOO HOOOO !!!! I cant wait to see how theyre gonna impact the rest of the fic bc I LOVE THE GUILD SM and i cant wait to see more of them hehe ^^

AND THE ANGST BETWEEN THEM UGHHH WHY PLEASE CARINA IF THIS ENDS THE SAME WAY AS UU DID I WILL NEVER RECOVER DWBHGVHBT LIKE PLEASE ITS KILLING MEEEEEE and DAZAI IN THE HOSPITAL??? WHAT HAPPENED HELLO UGH MY BABY :(( HE DESERVES EVERYTHING UGH :((

and finally (ik this is short but i have a tonna hw ITS ONLY BEEN 2 DAYS SINCE SCHOOL STARTED WHY T^T) there was ONE DETAIL THAT I AM CURIOUS ABT basically in ur bday fic for dazai u basically went w the theory that dazai is the old pm bosses grandson/is related to the old pm boss AND HERE you mention that his aunt dumps him in suribachi city AND that: "Mori was insistent on it, said we couldn’t risk one of them ever returning and upending everything we’ve built. He’s still searching for some to this day just to make sure.”

CARINA...ARE YOU FORESHADOWING SOMETHING??????

REDDDD AJDUFHASIFHSDUIF NEITHER OF THEM DIE BY THE END OF THE FIC I PROMISEEEE

OMG i was SOOOO excited to finally get the guild here because now is when the plot really starts to finally kick up, it's gonna get intense QUICKKKKK hehehe ... but we still have one chapter left of reader and dazai being able to chill

KSDFHAISFHUSHFD I PROMISEEEEEE IT WON'T END THE SAME WAY AS UU ... what happened to dazai tho ... that hasn't been confirmed yet ;) he's under the impression that it was another suicide attempt but it's worthwhile to note that he doesn't remember anything leading up to what happened.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH SHHHHHHHHH I CAN NEITHER CONFIRM NOR DENY ANYTHING UR SAYING HAHAHAHHAHHHHHHH BUT UR DEFINITELY ONTO SOMETHING THERE

beloved red <3333 it's always a pleasure to see you in my notifs, i hope school is going well for you lovely

[denybunnyforgood]

How often does edgebunny edge? I saw it doesn't get to cum, and I like that it's specifically to make its life worse, not better, but that makes me wonder if it edges all the time to make but cumming harder, or rarely because edging can give it pleasure.

its answer isn't very inherently interesting here unfortunately--a lot of things it does in its life are pretty systematized or habitualized in some way because it takes immense discipline to do something you know will make your life worse. But despite edging being rather central (though it isn't the most central thing, it's just tumblr won't let it speak publicly abt its gender in full so w/e, trying to make a second account on bdsmlr where it can talk abt other things) to its whole deal, the only habit it has ingrained is it stops pretty soon after it reaches the edge and it can feel that thrum inside its tummy climbing up its chest, like that "God if you let me cum to anything let it be this" kinda feeling.

When it comes to when it edges it just does it whenever it really wants to. The main reason is that whenever it does stop right at that thrum, it's consistently a net negative, and that thrum is only possible when it's in a particular kind of mood.

The only way really that it can become a net positive is if it stays in the pleasure for long enough that it outweighs the tight, intense discomfort in its hips radiating through itself that comes when it denies itself. But because it doesn't do that there's very little need for any rules or discipline or habit, aside from just making sure it stops when it reaches that point of maximum need.

How frequent "whenever it feels like it" is depends on its situation. Like right now it hasn't been able to post for a while because it and its loved ones ended up getting chased out of a home (again) and being unhoused for a while doesn't really spare the thrum-potential, even with permanent denial. Like it always experiences this ambient yearning for trying to cum but it's comparatively subdued when there's hardship of the uninteresting variety in its life.

You might think that being born to have a worse life is easy because it's so easy for life to punish you, but the truth is that there are interesting and uninteresting ways to have a terrible life and only the former is worthwhile.

But your question is prob abt like, USUALLY how frequent is it? (it's getting to your question the long way, yes), and it would say probably like once a day on average.

it realizes this is getting long-winded but just to reflect on that some and hopefully make this answer interesting, it's written before abt the conceptual framework it has for orgasms. If the concept 'orgasm' marks out those desirable climactic sexual experiences, then the sensation that we refer to as an orgasm should be very different for everyone. For instance, what if you like and really want the intimacy of playing and being close to someone, and that's the height of the experience for you? Can't that be an orgasm instead of the specific rush of dopamine we tend to associate the concept with?

it was born an object whose pleasure has zero moral worth, but it being violated in interesting ways, being denied right at the edge, being brought to tears, having its throat brutalized until it starts heaving, these do add moral value to the world in all kinds of ways. And so those are the most desirable experiences. So when it used to have the kinds of orgasms people had, those were fake orgasms. it used to have those twice a week, and these real orgasms are literally more than one per day. For people they're real orgasms but for it they're fake orgasms. The real orgasms are those violations, denials, sobs and throatgasms. And it isn't fair if the people who violate it have real orgasms and it has a fake one. They're making themselves vulnerable to it and it's being insincere.

That's a huge part of why it's so absurdly important to it that when it has sex it does whatever it can to make sure it doesn't enjoy it and that what it wants or what it's okay with doesn't matter. it wants the experience to be authentic, and if it's pretending to be a person when its partner isn't pretending to be something they're not, that's not fair to them and that's not something they'd consent to.

And the fact that these real orgasms are so much more frequent and forthcoming than fake orgasms is just one of those small pieces of evidence it holds onto to affirm itself. it often has doubts, as many do abt their identity, and that can be dangerous because the moment it isn't convinced it's morally obligated to go down this route it'll spend years trying to achieve personhood.

Holding onto these little pieces of evidence is one of the ways it affirms its objecthood so it can keep nurturing it. It's not its main method, that would be surrounding itself with peers who understand and do what needs to be done when it has its...moments of doubt, but even this tertiary method is effective and has positive side effects.

Okay hopefully that's answered your question and more? But it understands if this ramble left you more questions and it's happy to answer. Actually typing this did do something for it so it'll edge right now :)

TL;DR: Nothing interesting rly just whenever it feels like it, which is once a day average.

[butchdykekondraki]

"i wish i didn't know you." as a complicated sentence. because that's not quite the exact of it - if that's a phrase people use. or maybe it is. for both of them, it would be objectively good - both of them have scars because of it. however - however. they can't just say that. no matter how much they've hated each other, no matter how much they want the other dead, they couldn't handle it. they would see the other in every single moment, their absence grating, grating, grating. the eerie silence. every expectation formed through years and years, memories stained upon eyelids, broken, twisted, soon forgotten but how could one ever forget the other? they hate it, but it takes less than a second to see how intertwined they are. killing one would be like killing the other. "i wish i didn't know you." as in i wish i didn't know just how despicable are. as in every time you smile i can taste a little bit of it on my tongue - what a life with you happy could be like. it's a lie, i know it is, every day you remind me just how impossible something like that could be, you show me the ugly truth. but every day, i see something in you, something that makes me think maybe you're worthwhile after all. i wish you were all good or all bad. i wish i didn't know you because you're a horrible person. i wish i didn't know you so you had never done anything to me. i wish i didn't know you so that i could believe in your goodness.

could there be something here? truly, for good? the thought chases me like any other words you've said to me, burrowing beneath my skin to stay there as if you want to make a home in my psyche, and if you do, well, you've succeeded. unfortunately. i wish i didn't know you so i could make you laugh without thinking about how that laugh has been corrupted before, by me. it's all like that blood spilled across my palms so many --- ago. because i can't unsee it. it haunts me, the idea of our happiness together haunts me, i hate it i hate it i hate it so much. so - i wish i didn't know you. it's not anything we can change. we're intertwined after all. stuck in the inbetween state between happiness and hatred once again, never quite one because of the other. anyway this has been me being sick abt fictional characters goodbye now

IM GOING TO DIE. WHAT THE FUCK MAN

[neonstatic]

Ahh I can't sleep until I get this out of my system.

Sometimes I rly feel like I blew it. I have little desire for romance so I've never tried anything and don't feel like putting myself out there either. I'm almost certain I could live a very fulfilling life in total celibacy. I do fantasise abt romance tho, constantly, cus it's fun and it's free. But sometimes I'll find myself thinking abt the few opportunities that came my way... Most of it happened in the last five yrs. I've had a glow up of sorts: stopped hiding my body and started wearing clothes that actually fit me, found ways of expressing myself thru fashion, idk if my face changed or if I just realised that I'm cute actually? All those factors contributed to getting some attention and I'm not used to it and frankly, idk that I wanna do smth abt it. I've pretty much ran away from advances every time. And not bc I wasn't interested! Even when I could admit to myself that I did like this person in more than a strictly friendly way, I just came up w a bunch of reasons why it didn't matter and that it wouldn't work. And my feelings never felt that intense anyway. It's always, "Eh, I'll get over it." And then I did! For the most part.

But there's this girl... idk why she keeps crossing my mind. We met at a BIPOC sapphic event she organised and I already admired her for putting this together. She was beautiful and funny and smart, and I just found her so cool. And somehow, she thought much the same abt me! She said I was cute, she laughed at my jokes and she even found my awkwardness endearing. She didn't find me boring or off-putting, and knew how to keep the conversation going even when I went quiet. We definitely clicked. At the time, I didn't realise I was feeling romantically abt her. I didnt even know I was flirting. I was just familiar with the song and dance. (Turns out, my socialising looks a lot like flirting.) I was super caught off-guard when she asked me out on a date. I kinda felt like running off but I just smoothly rejected her and walked home w my friend.

"You don't even know me!" is what I wanted to say. What made her think I'm dating material? I don't see much when I look at myself and I realise it's bc I know myself way more and I'm my biggest critic, but even then... I wonder what ppl think when they look at me. What do they see? What do I make them feel?

At the event, I didn't mingle much w everyone else, was lowkey glued to my friend's side (who's way more extroverted) and I was just sipping a can and steadily getting tipsy... What tf did she see? And, will anyone else be able to see that again? I feel like she must've been real special to find me charming at my worst - i.e. me at a function. Absolutely rizzless, borderline pathetic. What if that was my one shot and I blew it? And when I meet God and whine abt being a loveless loser, He'll stare me down and say, "I sent you a baddie but you passed on her, stupid." What if I doomed myself bc I chickened out of a date w a pretty girl I definitely liked back in some ways? And how do I recover from the shame. It's been over two yrs, get over it, oh my gosh.

Bc truth is, if by some miracle, we reconnected and she asked me out again... I would not say yes. My ass is not ready for a relationship. I don't even feel like I'm made for it. I think I'm a good friend (but could always improve), an alright sibling, an alright child, an insignifiant cousin/grandchild/relative... I just feel fundamentally inadequate in relationships! Be it romantic or platonic or wtv. But where I agree that I do well as a friend, Idk that I'd be a worthwhile partner. Even tho romance is just friendship with extra parts. I could start kissing and sucking on a homie of my choosing and we'd be lovers, technically, no?

Do I not care abt romance that much or have I fooled myself into thinking so to spare my own feelings of inadequacy? Could be a mix of both. I want love and I want to experience it, but I don't care enough to look for it and I will run away from it. What a mess. What a fkg bummer.

Ah, maybe I rly did blow it. Or maybe I'm thinking too much.

Maybe I should sleep.