#anyone can easily develop a god complex while playing

[roadandruingame]

RAR Musings #26: Shifting Perspectives

As I continue to strive for a "perfect system" that covers all the bases I would like for it to cover, while still being simple enough to be player-facing, and even not explicitly require a dungeon master, I've had to do a lot of philosophizing over what game mechanics are even meant to accomplish. This has lead me from an extremely crisp system that simulated results great, but wasn't fun to play or easy to communicate how to operate, to where I am now, with an explicit focus on easily communicated outcomes and variables, where I cleanly lay out the path for players to follow, and don't get all twisted if players choose to interpret the game differently than I necessarily would, but still operate it within suitable parameters.

But more than anything has been the difficulty in accepting input from people who fundamentally misunderstand what I'm trying to do here. Worse still, people who DO understand what I'm trying to do, but expressly, and sometimes venomously, try to tear me and the project down for it, having sometimes frightening outbursts about it.

Take dice, for instance. World of Darkness introduced me to using pools of d10 for gradiant outcome resolution, a breath of fresh air away from Dungeons and Dragons' use of a single d20 for literally everything, with no meaningful situational variables to speak of. I built Road and Ruin to use d10 pools, but for add-up, something I've since discarded for slowness and lack of fun. Still, I work d10s into the system where possible, feeling better about the "roundness" of 10% increments than d20's 5%, including d100s adding more granularity with a "nat100" on a 1%, something truly worthy of the miraculous outcomes gushed over by dnd greentexts and youtube shorts alike. And again, in the use of "3d10" has a certain roundness to it that "roll a d8, d10, and d12" lacks. But if, for whatever reason, you have a raging hatred of d10s and seek to bury them whenever the rules suggest to use them, even digitally, there's not really much more I can do for that person.

Or take the concept of digital dice itself. I'd handwaved away any real concerns about mechanical complexity early on in development, reasoning that ttrpgs would benefit from leaning on the digital pocketry that each and every player brings to the table, but now understand that many players desire, or even require, tactile response from paper, pencil, and dice to feel grounded at the table and improve their enjoyment and focus. That, and the release of Magic: The Gathering cards that would become increasingly suited to an online TCG platform and not to paper, would leave me frustrated with digital, and questioning whether they streamlined the product, or created an incentive program for the developers to add increasingly obtuse mechanics.

Player-facing plot patterns to follow to conclusion, Schrodinger's Secret Door, Exert/Exhaustion, Stable Attributes that don't grow in perpetuity till you're out there punching god, and Monstrous magnitudes that threaten extreme harm to anyone who ever felt good about going up to fight a dragon, have all been angrily shouted down by any number of people. Perhaps none so more than the suggestion of Behavioral Guidance, and making roleplay have mechanics. But a lot of that has had to do with a shift in perspective given player agency.

A good friend clarified to me in an unexpected way, paraphrasing for eloquence, "The amount of misfortune and consequence delivered to a player's character needs to be proportional to the number of mistakes that player made to get to that point. Otherwise, you rob them of agency." It was enough to get me to sidestep the usual cringe I experience at those blistering words, 'player agency'. The 'muh agency!!' crowd had been the most frustrating of debates, incapable of articulating why Perfect Control of their character was required to enjoy a game where you're regularly obstructed by movement speed, health points, or even sight, but it went a long way in explaining exactly where the line was drawn, and what it took to move it.

It's for the same reason that you can't really include a behavioral system putting a character on auto-pilot to 'follow their truth'. Which feels like a shame; people will insist that roleplaying their character need not have any mechanics, but time and again has proven to me that they can't be trusted with it, devolving into psychopaths as soon as you stop jangling the keys of bloody combat in their face for even a moment, Lawful Good alignment or no. But, true to form, players don't like having Muh Agency removed from them when they didn't do anything do deserve it. Including... you know. Having made the character have those traits in the first place.

When redesigning my dice system, I also had to shift perspective on what Normal is. I'd tried to make a Base 0 game, where "Normal" was somewhere up around the mark of 15, so that it could scale as high above that as I needed, but have since changed to a "Base Human" system, using +1 and -1 off baseline, and much more like DND, much to my chagrin. But this philosophy of "baseline", when applied to roleplaying, doesn't completely work. "Health" is a great example of baseline philosophy: you have HP, and then when you make mistakes, you take damage, proportional to the severity of the mistakes that you're making. When you run out, you fall unconscious, and lose agency, but only as a result of those choices.

Roleplaying, though, lacks a baseline that feels good. If I implement a 'sanity' mechanic, where choices that deviate from the character's "moral compass" impose an escalating weakness of conviction and confidence, a penalty on any check to influence others or resist being influence in a way that might shift your moral north, players are just as likely to protest the eventual brainwashing of their character after all their mucking about as they are if you were to subject them to an instant-death trap.

In Musings #24, I discuss the makings of ttrpgs, and I name Relationships as a pillar. Put another way: CONTINUITY, the tendency for the world, and consequences, to persist beyond the arena that they were born in. Dungeons and Dragons feels like it's at one time smelled the passing of the memory of someone who felt Continuity once, 80 years ago as a small child, what with all the healing spells and lack of reputation system and ability to recover literally your entire character sheet given you conk out for an 8hr snooze, but I really feel like Continuity might be the single biggest hurdle that players I've encountered have trouble mounting. This doesn't go for everyone, of course, my experiences are not universal, but Continuity in ttrpgs really feels to me to be the one thing that, if agreed on, could make or break a campaign or game table.

Continuity states that if your character has a belief, or a goal, or a compulsion, that those are simply things that character does. They're the ways that character acts. The player, despite all the promises in the world, can't simply be given the power to say "UH, NUH UH" and simply self-destruct in a moment of rapid-onset psychosis. The more upsetting and antithetical to nature, the more damage that character receives to their psyche. This can be represented as an immediate penalty that lasts for a scene, but accumulates, imparting a penalty based on the current number of stacks -1. Character beliefs, defined by an amount of Conviction value, are lessened by the penalty, and if another character ever works to convince the character of their perspective, and exceeds this lessened value, the character becomes shaken. With repeated working, this may permanently erode the character's Conviction, and even turn them to the side of whoever's convincing them.

Or, this is all a stupid idea! As the mechanic suggests, if players are actually playing to their character's traits, none of this should ever be necessary. The rules would simply not come into play. But, does this simply mean that a character not controlled by the players can NEVER convince their characters of anything the players do not wholeheartedly endorse? Do we not have speed limits and laws, for WHEN someone goes too fast, not IF? I'd love if players played to their character, but what if someone doesn't? Do they simply get kicked from the table for poor sportsmanship? Or does anyone even care?

The same people who scream and moan about 'muh immersion' and 'muh agency' tend to be the same people who tend to act like ttrpgs are a whimsical trip to Disneyworld, a perfect playground for them to run around knocking over trash cans and punching the mascots. Videos and guidebooks abound for recommendations on how to have a "safe table space", with X cards and Session Zeros and the like, but little seems to be done to protect the purity of the game experience itself, instead rigging safety rails and bandaid packs in case any of the players get a booboo while doing sick kickflips off the king's castle. It's not a perfect system, but so long as it exists, players are free to ignore it, or implement it. I, personally, would be really interested in the challenge presented by a campaign that fundamentally shifts the beliefs of my character, in a way that I didn't expect, and while I know not everyone will be, they're free to ignore the mechanic.

I got a bit more jaded with this post, by the end. Ultimately, I'm never going to create a product that will appeal to everyone, or create a rule or mechanic that everyone will use. I began Road and Ruin for me, but part of my shifting perspectives on these things came from realizing the hesitation I was having in wanting to play my own, solo-possible game. I do have more fun playing with friends, even idiots, but it really struck me that I seemed to be unwilling to put the work in to play what I was attempting to make as my own ideal game. I get frustrated aiming to get feedback from players who are patently disinterested in any gameline that isn't kickflipping off the Disney castle using DND's d20, but I hesitate to surround myself with yes-men who tell me my ideas are good. If nothing else, these detractors can act as my rubber duck, for me to bounce ideas off of, and for me to find kernals of my own personal preferences amidst the broken back-and-forths.

Next time, I want to try to brainstorm some more social mechanics. Figure out where that shifting line in the sand is, how much consequence is too much, how is conviction rated, and the like.

[randomshyperson]

Hey Mary I saw you mentioned in one of your fics (amazing work as always btw) that youre watching Hibike! Euphonium??? I've watch over 4 times so it's probably my favorite anime ever and I would love to hear your thoughts about it, how much you liked it, if you also ship Kumirei or nah?

~🦭

I saw your ask a few days ago and was waiting to respond when I finished the anime, and here I am. I can define my emotional state after finishing both seasons in two words: emotionally devastated.

Btw, this will contain spoilers if anyone bothers.

I watched the anime for the first time almost a decade ago, and I had only seen it because of Kumirei. I decided to give it a chance even though I knew beforehand they weren't canon, and I remember being really in love with the couple and being truly outraged when Kumiko ended up with that boy.

At fifteen, I had no idea about concepts like heteronormativity or comphet, or any of those more complex concepts I learned in college. And rewatching the anime today, I found Kumiko's relationship with Shuichi more comical than anything else. Her frequent and clear lack of interest in that boy throughout the entire anime turns any interaction between them into something comical and even frustrating, especially since everyone around her seems to insist that Kumiko should be with him simply because he has a crush on her. When I was the same age as the characters, it really irritated me, now as an adult I just felt sorry for them all. And I found it really frustrating how he got more development with Hazuki, and if the producers had focused on them, it would have made more sense than putting him with Kumiko who had an interest in basically any topic other than that boy.

But male characters aside, I just realized how much I missed female characters (or girls in this case) and their well-written and developed female friendships when I rewatched this anime. Hollywood could never.

Remember that I defined my state as emotionally devastated? Well, that's all the fault of the arc written for Asuka.

Her friendship with Kumiko is absurdly beautiful. The dialogue where Kumiko, who is the youngest between them, shouting about how Asuka doesn't need to act like she knows everything and that the two of them are just kids has easily become one of my favorites in any media. At fifteen years old, I had no idea the weight of several scenes, especially this one, or when Asuka is slapped by her mother? Insane. I had the pleasure and luck of being reminded of how beautiful and well-written this anime was. And the ending with Asuka graduating was deeply painful. Not because something bad happened (thank god), but that fact that she did it! She played for her father, got the best grades in Japan and will probably have a bright future ahead of her. But that means she's leaving and Kumiko still has two years there and even with that incredible connection, Asuka needs to move on. Living through high school while watching, I didn't understand what that scene really meant. The arrival of adulthood. But upon rewatching it I was in tears, completely in shock. For the good of my heart I simply decide that they met again in college.

Also, I still haven't rewatched the movie about the second year because I simply don't want to say goodbye to any more characters.

How difficult was it for the studio to write a band made up of students from the same year? I wanted everyone to graduate together. I guess it wouldn't hurt the same way if they did.

Now talking about what I didn't like? Well, there's just gone thing that really bothers me about this anime: Reina's feelings for her teacher. When I was fifteen, and I heard these teenagers talking about it, and I had no idea whatsoever about life, I didn't see it as a major problem. I even thought that Reina, so mature and intelligent, would turn 18 and embark on a failed romance before realizing that the only person for her was Kumiko, but now at 23 I absolutely hate everything about that matter. What bothered me most was that at no point was there a straight forward take on how the mere idea of this relationship is wrong. We even have a scene where the temporary Instructor makes jokes about the Professor being popular with the girls. I was very uncomfortable with how this subject was not closed in a concrete and absolute way, I would have liked to have seen at least one scene of Reina's parents guiding her about how she was confusing admiration for a talented adult man she has known since she was a child with love, but the anime insisted on a one-sided romance until the end, and it aged really badly.

I haven't had the chance to see both movies and the new season yet, but I really hope the matter has been closed because it was very uncomfortable.

Also, I've come to have a different view of Kumirei now that I'm no longer a teenager; I used to watch the scenes and be outraged, just hoping that they would kiss soon and realize how in love they are. Today, well, yes please just kiss, but also, I noticed an even greater complexity in their relationship. Slow Burn is very welcome, I even have the impression that their fifteen-year-old versions from the first season simply don't have the emotional maturity necessary to understand their own relationship. I know the studio probably won't make them canon, but I don't think I'll mind it as much as I would have a decade ago: I really like the idea that they took time to understand the depth of their feelings, and that the separation during college was perhaps what was necessary for them to realize how emotionally intertwined they are. I feel like as always, the fanfics will make it worth it.

[that-android-from-cyberlife]

Do you ever think that Kamski played the Sims too much when he was a kid and that’s what started his God Complex.

[somethinginworl]

🤍💔🖤 for kirby

Huzzah! Why thank you anon for letting me ramble about them!

🤍 "what are three of your oc's neutral/questionable traits?"

They don't have much empathy if any at all (No this does not inherently make him someone dangerous thankyouverymuch-), but they do try their best at understanding people, and getting in their shoes but this also means that sometimes they come across as very uncaring when in reality they just don't really understand how to react to the situation.

He might also prioritize playing and fooling around before his own responsibility. While this is okay for being able to cheering up people, this means that he can just neglect everything else that doesn't bring them joy/isn't hurting his friends.

Also, his innocent and childlike nature can sometimes make him susceptible to manipulation or deception. He may trust others too easily or fail to recognize ulterior motives, putting everyone at risk (Looking at you, Marx and Magolor…). He most of the time just assumes that everyone has good intentions, even if it's obvious that it's otherwise.

💔 "what are three of your oc's negative traits?"

Can you really have a superiority complex if you're a god among people? Either way, Kirby kinda sees most people as below him, not necessarily as people he doesn't care about, but more like pets that need his help and protection to survive, in exchange for their companionship and being fun to play with. This kinda ties in with his naivety he just doesn't assume people would genuinely want to hurt him, I mean do you expect your pet to manipulate you beyond making you feel sad for treats?

Also, for all their playful personality and their need for entertainment, they're a very sore loser. Kirby is a strong guy, and being a loser is no fun, so you're a cheater! Oh, you surely must be cheating, or at least that's what Kirby assumes every time. They did not take Dream Course very well I'll tell you that.

He can also have problems with boundaries and impatience, at first he just saw most people as toys (In his defense there's not much else to assume when you just pop out in the sky as an Eldritch God of Fun) and thus thought they'd all just be available 24/7 to play and such, but that is not the case and he grows frustrated when people don't pay attention to him (He also thinks that people can be just fixed like toys if they take any damage), kinda like your average child but he's all-powerful.

Now take in mind that all of this is mostly at the beginning of the whole story, and they learn more and more after ye good old character development.

🖤 "has your oc killed or seriously wounded anyone before? have they broken someone's heart and/or broken someone's trust?"

Beyond their enemies? Mmmmh... Well, I can't quite spill the beans just yet, but let's just say that thinking that people can be easily fixed and being all-powerful with the sole purpose to have as much fun as you can for survival purposes is not a good combination...

[a-pervy-nerdy]

Let's Talk About The Shigaraki x Indestructible Reader Troupe

I know it's not original at all but I really wanna try my hand at it because I think it has a lot of potential story wise.

I wanna dive into the character depth that this concept can provide, okay!?

Because it's not just, "oh they're indestructible so Shiggy can touch them and then he's cured of anxiety and also sexy times" no. Let's go deeper.

Spoiler Warning From Here On Out !

Also Religious Themes warning in case that is upsetting for anyone!

I'm really digging my Oc Magnolia right now because I'm playing off of the Savior complex that Horikoshi plays with, with both AFO and Shigaraki.

He's definitely using Christian themes of Jesus, the savior, with these characters. AFO acting as the Christian concept of God the creator, and Shigaraki acting as Jesus. His only son that is also him in human form. Sound familiar?

Shigaraki's mother also shares a shocking resemblance to the Virgin Mary in character. She is kind and matronly and patient. And much like Mother Mary, a victim of circumstances. When all hell breaks loose, the first thing she does is reach for poor toddler Tenko without hesitation. That's her fucking first born son.

And now AFO has his sights on using Tomura's body as his own, in the same way that Jesus says he his God in human form, it's safe to say the Christian themes are strong and here to stay. So I wanna talk about a piece I feel is left out of this story, or just not added in yet.

Mary Magdalene is character we often see in The Bible. She's used as almost a throw away character that comes and goes when the writers needed her to make Jesus look cool or have someone to worship him when other male characters weren't there. Unless Horikoshi plans to make Toga the place holder for the character, she has yet to be introduced if she ever will. If Toga is supposed to be a parallel to Mary, I think Horikoshi should delve into that relationship more if not just create a new one. I think Toga is better suited being another disciple for now.

So this is where the indestructible reader aspect comes into the story. I'm the kind of person to make self inserts and all that cringy stuff, and while I do has a self incert OC, I got lost in the character creation element of fanfiction writing. What a cool quirk indestructibility would be! Especially for a female character. How bad ass! Indestructible characters are always big buff dudes and its getting old. So now I wanna talk about the implications of an indestructible female character in the world of MHA.

When we think indestructible, we mostly think someone that could be thrown around like a rag doll and be unscathed. Someone who could be touched by someone like Shigaraki without being killed. But let's think about it more than that. If they are truly indestructible, then how would the mha universe take advantage of them? Because, they would. Especially a female character would be easily taken advantage of in this universe. Depending on the specifics of her quirk, the indestructible reader could be used in any amount of messed up ways.

Personally, I'm a fan of this character having a fast acting regenerative quirk that allows them to heal and replace very quickly. Like if an organ is destroyed it is simply grown back in a matter of minutes. Because that allows for the world to take advantage of her directly. The medicine world needs fresh organs to save lives and hell, they'll pay for it. The black market is always looking for an arm and a leg. And the prostitution metaphor goes on and on. Detailing new ways the world continues to take advantage of women's bodies and how a girl like Magnolia falls into it. Resigned to the idea and actively participating until her character growth occurs.

This is where her story begins as she starts to learn to value other aspects of herself and grow to use her quirk for her own purposes. Free of money and greed and demands from others. She becomes a villain, not because she hates heroes and wishes to destroy others, but to set herself and others free. To destroy an oppressive society built on taking advantage of the naive and weak, when that society should be helping them.

Now you're asking: "Ruby, wtf does this have to do with themes of Christianity and Shigaraki's hand holes?"

All great questions, really. Ya'll are smart cookies. Magdelne has been rewritten and rewritten over and over again to suit whatever agenda the writer has for the story. Sometimes she's Jesus's faithful disciple and used as a character for Christian girls to aspire to be. Sometimes they're childhood friends. Sometimes she's a sex worker who quits her life of sex work to join Jesus's traveling band of misfits. And most recently there is evidence to suggest that her and Jesus were romanticly involved.

This is where Magnolia comes in. My Oc Magnolia works as a parallel for Mary Magdelne both as an individual who was previously taken advantage of and forced to prostitute herself for various reasons, but also as Shigaraki's friend and disciple. And maybe romance partner but thats neither here nor there.

More fun character design ideas for her using artists on Picrew.

This is just my two cents on the topic. I really like Magnolia and I'd love to develope her further and write with her. So lemme know your thoughts and if you'd read a story with her! I might just write her in as a side character in Rebellion later on or something.

[filmmakerdreamst]

How Xena: Warrior Princess Allowed Me To Accept Myself

I was living in a city all alone and these two characters showed me that it was ok for two women to love each other.

In order to understand the following story, there’s something you need to know about me. I have always loved fiction. From the age of about 5 to 11, I loved books more than I loved people. I was a shy child who found it easier to emotionally engage with fictional worlds than the real one around me.

See, fictional worlds are created for your brain’s enjoyment. Their rules make sense. Events happen for a reason. The narrator tells you why characters behave the way they do, allowing you to empathize with them on a deep emotional level. Easy to understand, easy to identify with, easy to love.

But real people are complicated. The real world is complicated. And things are seldom laid out nicely in a coherent narrative format for you. Real things are much harder to love.

This emotional disengagement continued from the age of 11 onwards, although it was no longer as pronounced. My habit of retreating into fiction would fade during good times and come back in force during difficult or stressful periods. During the stressful periods of college, the rise of Netflix allowed me to become certifiably obsessed with my favorite TV shows. And naturally, I joined Tumblr in order to more easily fangirl with people who shared my interests.

Only for some peculiar reason that I didn’t care to examine, my interests were slowly gravitating towards girl-girl couples. Soon I was shipping, reblogging, and reading fanfiction almost exclusively about female couples. But I, who had always considered myself straight despite lacking interest in the boys around me, didn’t think this meant that I was gay. I probably just found female couples more emotionally satisfying. I was friends with mostly women, I was a woman myself, so it was natural that I just understood them better. Yeah, that was probably it.

Fast-forward to nine months ago. I was living in Boston and incredibly depressed about it. My job and my boss were making my life miserable and I had very few people to socialize with. I was making the rough transition from the constant socialization of college to the isolating pressure of a city where I had few connections. My days and nights were some of the loneliest I had ever experienced. I looked for something, anything, to lift the heart-crushing emotional silence.

My solution was the same one I always chose when I was dissatisfied with the real world; obsession with a new TV show. And thanks to my femslash-focused tumblr community, I knew just what my next feel-good show was going to be.

My tumblr friends had told me this: Xena: Warrior Princess is an action-fantasy show that enjoys a cult status, much like Buffy: The Vampire Slayer (which I watched and loved). The two shows were made in the same mid-to-late 90's era, with similar bad special effects and endearing campiness. But XWP is much… MUCH… more gay.

That was about all I knew about the show going in. And amazingly, that was all I needed to know to be excited about watching it. You’d think that fact would have told me something about myself, but no. The mental walls of denial were years in the building and needed more force than that to be shattered.

For anyone unfamiliar with the show’s premise, Xena: Warrior Princess is about the title character and her quest for redemption. You see, Xena did some bad things in her previous life on another show (Hercules: The Legendary Journeys). In her storied career as a warlord, she committed such petty crimes as genocide, the slaughter of innocents, that kind of thing. But now she has seen the light and wants to atone for her crimes. Except she can never undo the terrible things she did. All Xena can do now is help people on a day-to-day basis and hope that it’s enough for someone to show her mercy.

Which is already fantastic from a character standpoint. But there is a secret mirror to Xena’s journey that is not reflected in the show’s title, and that is Gabrielle and her character arc.

Oh! Gabrielle! When I met her in the very first episode, I loved her straightaway. She is a feisty, naive, talkative small-town girl who accompanies Xena on all her adventures. Her character quickly assumes paramount importance in the narrative. Gabrielle is Xena’s only friend. She comes to know her better than anyone else and love her for who she is, all the while believing Xena can reach redemption. Yet Gabrielle is not just a support system for Xena; she goes on her own heroic journey. The two character arcs intertwine and co-develop in a way I have never seen in any show before or since.

As each episode rolled by and their relationship grew in complexity, I found myself more and more engrossed. And I came to realize: this was something I wanted. The day I accepted my own desire was the day I accepted myself. What could be more strangling than denying the existence of your own feelings? Yet I had been doing this to myself for years — cutting off the possibility of being attracted to other women — without even realizing.

Before beginning the show, I thought the fandom had read in between the lines to construct a romantic relationship between the two characters, the same way as femslash shippers do in all other TV shows. Except not this time. This one is mind-blowingly different.

Not only does the narrative place utmost importance on the relationship between Xena and Gabrielle, but the actresses bring such multi-dimensional love to their parts. When I saw Lucy Lawless (Xena) and Renee O’Connor (Gabrielle) interact, I could so easily believe that these two women loved each other beyond friendship. Xena and Gabrielle display every kind of love you can think of. They protect and sacrifice for each other. They tease and flirt. They cuddle and console. They have inside jokes with each other. They dance sexily. They play pranks and drive each other crazy. They sweetly kiss. They come back from the dead together. They bathe together. They raise each other’s children. They meet in alternate timelines and fall in love all over again.

I could have left my mental walls of denial in place. I could have said to myself “oh yes, I want this. But with a guy.” But no. Lawless and O’Connor’s incredibly attractive faces and bodies broke down the door of my mental closet. Precisely because they were fictional, I felt safe to admit my attraction to them. One of the key mental blocks I had always had towards accepting any attraction towards other women was the thought that I was being creepy. That since they could not possibly feel the same way about me, it was wrong to feel the way I did. But in my mind, that barrier didn’t exist with fictional characters. They couldn’t feel anything for me. Therefore, it was fine to feel whatever I want about them.

The walls cracked. The water came rushing in. Oh my god. I am attracted to other women. Like, every day of my life. Those flickers in my stomach when I talk to an attractive female coworker suddenly make a whole lot of sense now. I now saw my historical awkwardness when talking to beautiful girls, which I always dismissed as “me being weird”, for what it was. All those short-term girl crushes on older girls throughout high school. How was I so sure they were platonic? That heart-aching infatuation I had with my best friend that lasted for years? Yeah, add that to the ‘definitely gay’ list.

Since then I’ve realized that my feelings are valid regardless of what others feel for me. Just because feelings are unrequited doesn’t mean they aren’t real. That’s what Xena and Gabrielle taught me. Their fictional example was the final blow to my rapidly-crumbling resistance to the idea of homosexuality.

In our culture today, so many forms of media reinforce heteronormativity. How many commercials have you seen that assume attraction between a man and a woman? How many billboards tell women that they need to look sexy for the men in their lives? How many times has a movie ended with the guy getting the girl? It’s the combined action of a thousand small rocks shifting to make a cultural avalanche. You can’t move against it. All you can do is stand still and try to maintain your footing against the current, to maintain your identity in the face of a world where you and people like you are often swept away by the mainstream.

Xena: Warrior Princess is one of those rare stories that dares to go against the grain. It celebrates a romantic relationship between two women as the most natural thing in the world. And in doing so, it provides a mirror for me and people like me to recognize themselves in. There we are. Look at us fly.

This story isn’t over yet. I still have a lot of work to do to accept myself, but thanks to Xena and Gabrielle I’ve taken one huge step towards living the open life I want to live. I moved on from that horrible job and lonely city, but in the end I’m grateful. Grateful that circumstances pushed me to the depths of loneliness necessary to bring down the prison I had built in my own mind.

- How Xena: Warrior Princess Allowed Me To Accept Myself by Lyra Hall

[uhhhhyandere]

i would do anything for just a short one shot of orphic light x reader cuddling . its valentines day and im down bad

me too lol i hate V-day.... but chocolate is on sale tomorrow.......

this one’s for you bby and everyone else who is feeling it today. im right here with y’all <3 

idk what it is tho hahahahaahh 

You didn’t think about it.

Okay, okay, that was a lie. You did. Fuck, you did, but what were you supposed to do? Pretend you didn’t? Pass by other regular, healthy couples and pretend to not wish with every fiber of your being that you were them? It was tiring, so tiring to put on a face and act, to shove your emotions down down until they're squashed out of existence.

Or, at the very least, pretending they're out of existence. 

But god, you had to give yourself this one. You didn’t have the power to pretend or act or ignore or do anything right now. Even if you wanted to, Light had everything down to a science from the twitch of your fingers to the drag of each syllable out of your mouth whether it was a microsecond too long or one pitch too high to be normal. Up until now, you’ve every valentine’s day deep in daydreams and fantasies full of flowers, dates, and just... happiness, however that looked like to you with whoever was home to you. 

Light was definitely not what you were expecting to be your first - and most likely last one way or another - relationship, but you just wanted something normal. Something that can just give you a taste of real, tangible escapism. To feel warm and happy and cozy and appreciated and loved. For fuck’s sake, you just wanted to feel as loved as every other goddamned couple you see holding hands or - fuck - even laughing and smiling like normal people in a normal world. 

That’s all. 

But, no, no you couldn’t even have that. You spent ten whole minutes pacing outside Light’s office to gain the confidence to walk in and ask if you can do something, anything. All that amounted to was him grimacing and telling you to leave him “the hell alone right now,” and it hurt. Of course, it did. You finally take a risk and ask for something you want and not live every second of your life wondering what’s going to make him happy, and it gets shut down so easily. You’re not sure what would happen if you ever did that. 

So, in your prepubescent turmoil, you left. You escaped the stiff air of the house and his presence, and deeply inhaled the brisk February air. It was cold, sure, but not nearly as ruthless as the winter air could be. It was actually relatively nice out. Thank fuck. You only grabbed your lighter coat in your absconding and settled for the first place of peace you can find in the city: a small park with a cobblestone path cutting through it. 

The cruel, black metal of the bunch bit your ass and chilled your skin, but now you could hardly feel it. You could hardly care. What were you going to do? Get up. Sure, and go where? Wander aimlessly and just pass more restaurants brimming with everything you ever wanted? No thanks. The volume of people walking past you here was far fewer. Plus, if you leaned back to let the cold touch your thighs and stare at the cloudy sky, you didn’t have to see any of them. 

You’re not sure the wetness on your cheeks began as soft drifts of white landed there or as tears crept from the corner of your eyes. You’re also not sure how long you sat there. Your legs have long since fallen asleep, succumbing to countless pins and needless. Snow was accumulating all around you, on you, even as a terrible, freezing, wet blanket you slightly shifted to knock off every so often. 

It really must have been a pathetic sight to see. You shut your eyes and felt each flake land on you, hoping, eventually, they would bury you. 

But they stopped. 

You opened one eye to see the disturbance. Black completely overtook the sky. Ah, no, not the sky. An umbrella was tipped to cover your body entirely. Your eyes trailed down the thin metal supports to his face. Not unimpressive, not frustrated, not angry, just... there. Light looked down at you like he would look down at the sidewalk while walking any other day. A pale face sticking out of a black turtleneck under a brown coat he bought to replace the white one that was just getting too old and worn out for him. 

You look away. Using the back of your finger you wipe away a tear - definitely a tear and not snow - before settling both frozen hands in your pockets. Your eyes meet for a few more seconds before he steps to the side and takes a set next to you, close enough that you could feel the warmth of his thigh next to yours. Light held the umbrella in the small gap between you. 

“What are you doing here?” You ask finally, breaking the minutes-long silence. “Thought you were busy.” 

“Finished,” he replied. “Then I had to come play hide-and-seek with you when you ran out like a petulant child who didn’t get the toy they wanted at recess.” You want to shoot up straight and bitch at him, to say that it’s his fault, that everything is his fault, and to tell him that this is the least of the reactions you could offer in response to it all. 

“Then leave,” you said. “I’ll come back. You know that. Just... just for today let me be... happy. Please.” Your voice cracks and you have to look away once more to wipe away more stray tears. “I just wanted something... normal.” 

“Normal was out of the question from the start. In fact, don’t pretend that it was ever in the question. We’re meant for more than... normal.” 

You shake your head. “Not today, Light, fuck. You’re such a fucking genius, but god, you could never read a room, could you?” Light clenched his teeth but ultimately stayed silent. At least, for the minute he spent contemplating whether to tell you to ‘come off it,’ or to play into it for the longer-term benefit of your temporary satisfaction. You beat him to the punch. “It’s Valentine’s Day.”

“Funny enough, I knew that.” 

“Well, I couldn't tell.” 

“You don’t seem the type for flowers and poems, Y/N.” 

“Well, you don’t seem the type to-to... you know, and that’s-god-that’s not it, and I feel so stupid, in the scheme of things, to have this bother me, but fuck, Light. I’m a human. I’m complex and shit, and I can’t do what you do. At least, not consciously.

“This is... this fucked up, sure, but it’s the first real... something I ever had with someone else. Middle school, high school, even most of college was just me existing alone. It seemed like... it seemed like every single other person just got a handbook on how to socialize, how to develop relationships, how to love and be loved that I never got. That everyone else was able to be loved, but never me. Never me. I was never picked or chosen, or, even if I was, something better would come along and I’m left in the fucking dust. It’s me, you know? Never... never enough. For once - just for once - I can feel like I’m enough. That I’m not deciding every second if I’m breathing too loud or not being useful or whatever.” 

By the time you’re done, you feel far too comfortable in the silence that follows. You’re not horrified of what he’s going to do in response. You settled back down and shut your eyes. “That’s all,” you add pointlessly, “and, I’m not sure if you can tell, I really, really hate this holiday.” 

Light stood up. You watch him, like before, with one eye. The umbrella rests on his shoulder at an angle, and with his free hand, he extended his palm out to you. You furrowed your brows and quadruple your number of chins to look down at it. Light rolled his eyes. 

“You could stay here if you want.” You kind of wanted to. Spending a few more hours alone was tempting, but... but that’s what you always were, have been. You had one chance - one person - left to change that. 

His hand was warm over your own. It kept you centered and balanced as he led you down the snow-covered streets. Though it’s nothing like the pure joy emanating from others, it was something. It could probably be compared to two business partners walking stiffly while holding hands if you’re being honest.  

But for this, you can act for. 

You played pretend the rest of the way home until you convinced yourself you were in a good mood. You refused his offer of food when you return home. Instead, you nestled under a large white blanket and clicked on whatever was on: some cliche romance fic Light would never, on any other day, stand for. You could heat Light shifting around in the kitchen behind you. He emerged with two mugs with steam rising in small swirls above them. Light placed them on the table and you watched him motion for you to raise the blanket. 

Light slipped in beside you, and you wondered how painful it was for him to wrap his arm around your shoulder. It’s stiff, uncomfortable, and a bit cold, but not surprising. You shut your eyes and imagine... you try to imagine someone else, but there’s no one else you could picture besides Light. Anyone else felt... wrong, so you opted to watch the snowfall through the windows. Turning your body towards him more, you snuggle into him and rest your head on his shoulder. 

His hand rose between you. You figured it’s him adjusting himself or the blanket, but you’re surprised when his fingers lightly grab your chin and lift your head. There’s no time to react before his lips land on yours. 

Oh yes, you can act today. For today, you can pretend. You could let your heart be filled and convinced you are loved, because tomorrow, tomorrow was never guaranteed. 

[ladyloveandjustice]

The Westing Game Chapter 21

The Fourth Bomb

In a wacky misunderstanding, Theo thinks Alice is the bomber and tries to blackmail her with the info so he can borrow her bike (Yes, really. Go big or go home is Theo’s motto) but of course Alice thinks he means he knows ANGELA is the bomber.

And in what might be the most touching moment in the book so far, Alice responds to this by setting off a bomb and writing a thing indicating that she is the bomber in order to throw all suspicion off Angela. She eve loses her trademark braid in the process.

It really is incredibly sweet. Alice is very caustic toward her sister, but this isn’t the first time she’s indicated she’s ride-or-die when it comes down to it (she got rid of the evidence for Angela and warned her not to say anything to the lawyer), and it’s also a very lovely response to Angela’s early sacrifice- where she took the bomb she made to her face rather than have it explode to her sisters. But while Angela’s sacrifice was spur-of-the-moment motivated by guilt and panic as well as love (not that it makes it less meaningful), Alice’s is one she planned out and considered. She had time to consider the consequences. She knew that Angela willingly put herself in this position. But she still chose to take the fall anyway, and set off a bomb after seeing what the same thing did to her sister’s face.

She already feels meaningless to her family in general, and maybe on the surface she feels her standing (with her mother in particular) can’t get any lower. “I’m already the troublemaker, I’m already the unwanted one, I have nothing to lose, but Angela would lose everything” was how she convinced herself. (in addition to being aware as a minor she wouldn’t be punished as harshly, smart girl that she is).

But it’s also clear that Alice DOES long for her mother’s love and approval, and I think she also had to contend with a deep fear that after this action, there’d be no going back for them, that she’d doomed herself to be the ‘bad one’ forever. Yet she still did it.

And the loss of her braid is of course, incredibly significant. Angela said earlier that the braid is her “crutch”- she bases a lot of her personality around it. It was her excuse to spend time with her mother and now her excuse to spend time with Flora, it’s the trademark thing people can pull on and she can then she gets excuse to kick them and get in fights and form connections, it’s how she gets attention and relationships for herself without exposing her own vulnerability. But she sacrificed what little that makes her stand out, what little social currency she has to protect the same sister who she envies for being in the spotlight- because that bond is more important than her jealousy and her need for attention. Just like her sister sacrificed one of the things that bring her adulation- her looks- to protect her. Love is more important than those petty things.

Alice is forced to talk to Judge Ford afterwards and, sharp as ever, Ford guesses that she’s protecting Angela.  This quote especially gets me:

The judge was astounded (…). Angela could not be the bomber, that sweet, pretty thing. Thing? Is that how she regarded the young woman, as a thing? And what had she ever said to her except “I hear you’re getting married, Angela” or “You’re so pretty, Angela”. Had anyone ever asked about her ideas, her hopes, her plans? If I had been treated like that, I’d have used dynamite, not fireworks; no, I would have just walked and kept on going. But Angela was different.

There’s a fascinating theme in this book about being marginalized, and the different ways these marginalized people both are pitted against each other and can overlook even each other while also finding connections and comradery with each other… I think I’ll have to wait until the end to fully get my thesis on the whole thing together, but I really find it interesting and appreciate it. Ford’s struggles as a black woman, Alice being overlooked for not performing femininity (thus envious of Angela despite knowing how shitty she has it), Angela being boxed because everyone wants to mold her as the perfect feminine ideal (thus feeling envious of Alice despite knowing how shitty she has it), Sun feeling out of place as a Chinese immigrant, Hoo knowing he’s looked down upon as a Chinese-American (yet still not considering the pain of his own wife), Chris struggling as a disabled kid, many people who are financially disadvantaged and/or feeling limited to the role of caretaker, Sydelle feeling overlooked in general and appropriating others’ struggles in her bizarre quest to get noticed- it’s all very interesting and pretty deftly handled, especially considering the time period the book was written in. 

And our antagonist is quintessential exploitative Rich White Man (obsessed with American Exceptionalism to boot), though it’s casually mentioned he’s the son of immigrants, an identity he seems to have actively shed, going so far as to change his name (if that’s why he changed it), so there’s even complexity there.

But the thing with Ford here is an interesting demonstration of that. Despite being smart and socially aware and having an even more fraught history of being dismissed and belittled, she didn’t give much thought to Angela and subconsciously went along with the same objectification everyone else does, putting her on a pedestal. (There’s a lot to be said about how Angela’s veneration and perceived “purity” by the others might interact with her whiteness, and how Ford realizing she bought into that narrative subconsciously might feel to her as a black woman, but I’m not really the person to discuss that. Anyway!)

The other important development here is that Alice also finally confesses that she saw Westing the night of his murder but mentions that the Westing she saw didn’t look dead, but asleep and like a wax dummy. This sets off alarm bells for both me and Ford.

So, I think its safe to say my earlier theory Sam Westing isn’t dead is probably true. What of the corpse that was present at the will-reading? I think people would have noticed it was a wax dummy, but a disguised corpse from his coroner friend still makes some sense. So where is Westing now? Considering Barney Northup doesn’t exist, could he be Barney?

But speaking of Westing, if we need further confirmation the man is the scum of the earth, he’s a union buster and he fired Sandy for trying to organize one in the paper plant.

We also learn Ford’s backstory with Westing at last: Her parents were household staff at Westing’s mansion and she grew up there as a result. She played chess with Westing frequently as a child, but not only would he brag and take pride in beating a goddamn pre-teen, he mocked her with racialized insults. She never won, but Westing ended up financing her education (that’s the ‘debt’ she owes him). She believes he did this to get a judge he could control, but has refused to play along, removing herself from any case involving him.

I can’t help but think Westing would have known Ford wouldn’t play ball, though. So he may have had another motive for sending her to school. It could be something even more sinister. Or… in his own twisted way, did he actually like her? He obviously realized she was incredibly intelligent during those matches, even if he sadistically enjoyed mocking her, enough to know she’d do well with an education. Did he play chess with her so much not just because he enjoyed tormenting her, but enjoyed her as a person as well? It obviously does not excuse what a racist sadistic shithead he is, and I’m not saying he’s secretly nice- just that it could be he was incapable of relating to anyone in a healthy way. I actually think sending Ford to school could have just been an extension of his desire to torment her AND the only way he knew that would guarantee he remained important in her life. He didn’t ever plan to cash in on her debt, but knew it would kill her just to BE in his debt, and got pleasure out of that alone. He probably just thought it was funny and it was also a way to guarantee he’d live in her head rent free- and because deep down he knew she was a cool kid, he also wanted that. He didn’t want her to forget him, maybe, which is sick! But much more interesting than simply “he wanted a judge he could manipulate”.

But it’s also worth noting this is Ford’s (perhaps) final chance to win against Westing in the ultimate chess match. And I can’t help but think he is well aware how smart she is, so he invited her here specifically because he knew she could be his undoing, the one who unravels everything. So- if we go with the ‘Westing is seeking atonement’ theory- did he invite her to give her that satisfaction of finally beating him, like he always knew deep down she could? Because he WANTS to be beaten, to be found out and knows she deserves to be the one after all the hell he put her through? Or in the ‘Westing is still a complete monster’ theory- is his intention to torment her one last time, to show her she can’t win against him? (if it is, I think he may well find he’s gravely mistaken there).

I don’t think Westing can truly achieve “redemption” with this “game”, nor am I one to easily believe the Ultimate Shitty Capitalist can change easily, but if one thing can shake someone’s worldview and make them reevaluate how they live their life, the death of their child WOULD be a big one. So “this will actually be Westing’s weird twisted attempt at atonement” is a possibility I just can’t stop thinking about. If it is, it’s kind of funny and incredible he can’t stop being manipulative and traumatizing even when he decides he wants to do something good.

On top of all that, Angela and Sydelle get more clues and finally figure out the ‘America the Beautiful’ connection. God, so much to chew on this chapter! I really fear for these last nine chapters. I might end up writing a novel longer than the actual novel analyzing and recapping them if I’m not careful. But that’s how you know it’s a compelling story, so hats off to Ellen Raskin!

[danganronpasurvivoraskblog]

Mod, who are your top 10 favorite characters and top 10 least favorite?

//I have actually been wanting to discuss something like this, so I’m glad someone brought it up to me.

//I’ll go through with this, but I won’t be discussing my least favorites, since I don’t want to bring any negativity, and to be honest, I enjoy writing pretty much everyone in this blog. I also fear if I share who my least favorites are in the main series, said characters won’t get as many asks, and I don’t want any unfair bias. I can definitely admit to hating Haiji though, because...well...he obviously won't be receiving any questions anymore. Besides, I doubt many people will disagree with me.

Honorable Mentions:

Makoto Naegi

Mahiru Koizumi

Kirumi Tojo

Kaede Akamatsu

Tsumugi Shirogane

Shuichi Saihara

Iroha Nijiue

Mikihiko Koyasunaga

Yoruko Kabuya

Tsurugi Kinjo

Uchui Porosen

Kibin Hatsudoki

//Though to be honest, everyone may as well be an honorable mention because I love writing every single one of these guys. Also, like I just said, don’t let this top 10 affect your asks. I love every character in this blog and I’m happy to make asks for each and every one of them. It was really hard to narrow it down to 10

#10: Tenko Chabashira

This might seem a little surprising, given that Tenko hasn't had a whole lot of screen time and story relevance so far. She's only been prominent in two arcs, Deadly Harmony and Novoselic Revolution, both of which she didn't have as much screen time as most of the other characters. However, not to spoil anything major, I have big plans for her, and what I've pulled out of her so far is something I'm proud of. My main goal is mainly to give her a bit of development, and tone down on the sexism element of her character. Not remove it entirely, mind you, because let's be real, Tenko unfortunately isn't Tenko without it, but basically to not do what the DR dev team did and make it the forefront of her character, while her other exceedingly good traits are just at the back until later on in the story.

#09: Kokichi Ouma

Kokichi is one of, if not, my favorite character in the original DR series. My main goal of him in this series is trying to grapple with his constantly changing attitude, mainly towards the DRV3 cast besides himself. At first he's glad to see them, then he turns spiteful towards Shuichi and Kaede when they try to fight him, then he straight up just abandons them and attempts to cut off contact. As he is right now, he's conflicted about how to feel about everyone. Sure, they all still hate him, but during Cabaret Kyojin's they came to his defense when he most needed it. That whole arc might've seemed pretty pointless and acted as needless filler, but my true intention of it was to flesh out the characters involved, mainly Kokichi and Kuripa. Speaking of which, that's another plot point that I'm looking forward to branching upon: the little companionship those two have going on right now.

#08: Monaca Towa

Monaca is a character I actually tend to struggle with in the grand scheme of things. The reason being that, arguably, she in canon is the second biggest antagonist in the series behind Junko. What I tried to do with Survivor though, is not make her an antagonist, but make her slowly become more and more redeemable, despite her actions. The reason why I went with this approach is mainly due to Monaca's last appearance in the series, where she states to Toko and Komaru that she's kind of just done with everything to do with Junko and Despair. I don't think it would be easy to bring her back as an antagonist because of THAT fiasco, and that is legitimately one of favorite scenes of her...which is funny because it's from DR3 and I kinda hate the anime. Her whole presence in Survivor is based around the idea of trying to seek redemption, but she doesn't outwardly want to admit this, nor does she really think she's worthy or deserving of said redemption. She's an adult now, and she grew a conscience. A guilty one that weighs her down and makes her come back to earth to basically settle things and make peace, and though it's been difficult, I love how she's turned out so far.

#07: Akira Tsuchiya

I understand many have their reservations about Akira after what he did this arc, but he's still legitimately one of my favorite villains in this blog because despite the fact that he's a psychopath who kills and ruins people all just for causing Despair, he's just kinda super relatable. He constantly lives with the attitude of just being done with everyone's shit, and I know a lot of DR fans can relate to that. He's also the kind of guy who marches to the beat of his own drum, which is obviously a very slow beat. He rarely ever does what Tsumugi tells him to do, unless the plan interests him or gives him something to do, and his character in general is based around the idea of "Shut-in NEET who just so happens to have a power complex." Overall, what makes him unique to me is just how normal he is, especially when he's compared to the chaotic sea that is the Danganronpa Villains.

#06: Mikan Tsumiki

Novoselic Revolution had the very important role in the story of mending Mikan. Without her efforts and the sacrifices she made in that arc, there's a high chance that the group would have failed to retake the kingdom from Angie and Mikihiko. It goes without saying that the screentime Mikan got in this arc was some of my absolute favorite moments on this blog from a writers perspective. A lot of people in DR dislike Mikan for her actions and character change in the third case of the second game, which I really don't think is fair. Mikan was just the character chosen to be afflicted with the Despair Disease. Nothing else would have been changed had it been a different character, so her role early on in Survivor is mainly her trying to come to terms with her actions, as well as things like making things right with Hiyoko (and Ibuki by extrension) and reevaluating whether or not she's a good person. Mikan is an emotionally and mentally broken child, and it's my full intent in my writing of her to heal her wounds like she does for so many other people.

#05: Narumi Osone

Easily my favorite Zetsubou villain in the blog. During Novoselic Revolution, I really buttered up how much I enjoyed writing Mikihiko, but in reality, I was just waiting for the Rebirth Duo (her and Akira) to burst onto the scene. She didn't make for as great a twist villain in Life and Lies of Akeru Yozora as I would've liked her to be, but even now, I still feel like she left an impact. I mean, she committed quite the number of atrocities. The main reason why I like Narumi though, is how she diverges from the rest of the Zetsubou group. While most of them are doing their evil things for reasons that constitute to causing as much Despair as possible, she does it for almost the complete opposite reason. She absolutely despises Despair, and the only reason she's with Organization Zetsubou, is so that she can patiently await and watch as the Hope that stems from the people fighting back. It's also plays into her ideal. Narumi is so obsessed with Hope that she believes that anyone and everyone who is without hope, and gives into Despair, doesn't deserve to live (and ideal that also allows her to easily hit it off with Nagito). To name the best example: The UUV. Their revenge fantasy is based around the Despair they feel post Ayumu and Marin's deaths, and not around the Hope of their goal of reforming society, even if by force. When Narumi notices this, is angers her so much she murders all of them in cold blood, believing them to be beyond redemption. As a final note, Narumi's violent nature and lust for bloodshed (and lest not forget her weird obsession with Makoto) is also made all the more tragic when you remember she's literally just a 14 year old kid with not a lot of life experience. For someone to be this far gone at such a young age is pretty depressing, but it also provides me with a lot of great writing opportunities, and god damn it she isn't a fun character to write.

#04: Mukuro Ikusaba.

I could pretty much just copy/paste the basic things I said about Monaca's personal conflict for Mukuro, but on a much more extreme level. This is something that I plan on actually branching on later down the line, but Mukuro's backstory and reason why she has a presence here is briefly mentioned by Sayaka in one post. To sum up what she said, when the Foundation were first starting to use the machines to bring back the victims of the first killing game, Makoto was the one who suggested possibly bringing Mukuro back, something that understandably, his classmates initially were against. However, at the time, Kyoko was still new to being the Foundation Chairwoman, and Makoto very much pressed the issue with her. Kyoko eventually agreed to the resurrection, but in exchange, any and all actions committed by the soldier, most notably any treacherous or bad ones, would subsequently be Makoto's responsibility. Of course, as you can imagine, Makoto accepted these terms, and Mukuro was resurrected. For a while afterwards, many were very wary of her presence, and most didn't outright accept her as a member of the Foundation, even when the Remnants of Despair officially signed up. What you have to remember is that Mukuro wasn't really brainwashed into helping Junko, at least not in the same way that the Remnants were. Most of what she did for Junko is what she did willingly, but Makoto felt that in reality, Mukuro was just another one of Junko's victims and she'd never known Hope in her life, which is why she turned out so chaotic, so his whole intention of reviving her was to redeem her honor, of which he was pretty much successful. The main trait of Mukuro's though that I tend to focus on, is arguably her most serious: her PTSD. Of all the characters who could have been hit hard with PTSD, it makes the most sense for it to be a soldier, and since the beginning of her revival, Mukuro has been cursed by the lingering ghost of her dead Despair sister. Junko's presence in her mind less drives Mukuro insane though, and simply makes her doubt herself and her presence, wondering if it was worth being revived, or whether or not she truly deserves to live. But regardless of how she feels, she's duty bound to the end, and still supports everyone unquestionably, especially towards those in her own branch being Makoto, her boss, the man who saved her, and of course her undeniable love interest, and Kuripa to whom she disciplines, but also acts as a mother/big sister figure to.

#03: Hajime Hinata.

It might just be me, but I feel like Hajime in particular is the fan fav in this blog. I feel he's shown up in more posts than any other character, which is fine by me given he's also one of my personal favorite characters, and is probably my favorite protagonist (it really changes depending on my mood, honestly, I think they're all as great as each other). The remnants of Despair's conflict is an obvious one that you commonly see in post-game fics such as this one, and in Survivor, and my personal opinion, Hajime is undoubtedly the one who has it the hardest. However, out of all of the characters in the series who HAVE trauma (and let's be real, that's undoubtedly a LOT of characters in both DR canon, and this blog) he's also undoubtedly the one who handles it the best. However, there is a limit to how much pressure he can take, and that causes him to lash out (like he did with Mahiru during Misfortune's Revenge, which I know we don't like to talk about but its the most notable example). He's been through a whole load of shit and the pressure is constantly crushing him like a gigantic boulder, yet he still forces himself to carry it. Outside of my own writing, Hajime has so many conflicting thoughts and trauma in other fics, and in Survivor, I don't intend to flat out copy them, but I do desire to live up to them. The reason why Hajime has so many burdens placed upon him, and as of Misfortune's Revenge now has double as many, yet is still able to keep going strong, is because he's no longer allowing himself to be weighed down by events that are in the past and out of his control. What makes his ideal unique, is that he has power, almost limitless amounts of it, but instead of focusing on what he can do with it, he's more conflicted and focused on what he CAN'T do, and changing the past is one thing he can't, and as of such doesn't focus on it. He only ever focuses on the present, and the future, and worries about that. And you've got to hand it to the guy, while it's definitely been better, his life is actually super good right now. He has at least 15 really great friends/found family members, a home on an island resort, an AI companion in his phone who will always help him out and support him, a smoking-hot red-haired girlfriend, a pretty good job and a lot more. For him, it's not simply a matter of abiding by the Foundation and fixing the chaos that he indirectly caused. It's also about the fear of losing what he has, and wanting to protect it.

#02: Ayumu Fujimori.

I've said this one or two times before, but I think Ayumu turned out spectacular, and when I eventually had to kill him off, I felt really bad about doing so. The main reason why I removed him, and why I currently don't have any plans to bring him back, is due to my future plans, having him around would make little to no sense. He serves mainly as a catalyst for the new phase of the story, a much darker one, and with his death, we enter that phase. I know many people are worried about it, but it's not just Ayumu's reason for being in the story that makes him great. While it isn't obvious right away, the main character that I was trying to portray with him, is that he's basically the darker side of Hajime. The two of them share very similar traits in character, personality and backstory. Some notable points would be

Both of them are incredibly self-doubtful, and that self-doubt caused them to become Ultimate Hopes.

Both of them once held huge admiration for a powerful group of people. For Hajime it was Hope's Peak and for Ayumu it was the Japanese Government

Said power called them useless, which led to their transformation

Both have pretty sad backstories, which involve two different types of cruel parents and family's.

They both have a best friend who likes to sleep.

Said best friend ended up dying horribly right in front of them, with them both unable to do anything about it, which eventually leads them both to go insane and make some bad decisions.

Though their methods differ, ultimately, they both want the same thing: a brighter future for their friends and the people they love

Ayumu might be a threat, and an antagonist, but he doesn't really count as a "villain" per se. At the core, he's basically just a misguided young man, who the world treated like shit, so he just wants to get back at it. He's also an influential figure, pulling many people into his fight, and gaining many supporters outside of his friends in the UUV. For the short time he was on the blog, he was an absolute BLAST to write, and you can damn sure bet I'm going to miss him.

#01: Kuripa Kurafto.

This is undoubtedly the riskiest part of this list, especially since we're talking about an OC here, but I also think a lot of you guys saw this coming. I can understand why some of you might disagree with me on this placement, but I'll tell you now, if you're unimpressed, trust me, I am barely scratching the surface of Kuripa's character. As of such, I have to go on this based off of what's already known about him. His whole character I feel comes full circle at the end of the Ultra Despair Gang arc, in which the first monumental event in the blog actually happens: him killing Haiji Towa by stabbing him in the gut and sending him falling to his death. This is then followed by a speech to Makoto, Komaru, Toko and Byakuya, which basically lays out the key part of Kuripa's character, being his ideals. Every protagonist in Danganronpa goes by a certain ideal that contrasts that of their enemies. For Makoto, it's Hope, for Hajime, it's Future, and for Shuichi it's truth. Kuripa is the complete reverse, being a protagonist that represents Despair. He's not outright a villain, or even a generally bad guy, but he definitely has some apparent darkness to him, and is also incredibly violent when at the peak of rage. Of course, it all stems from a huge event in his life, the murder of his little sister Kotoko by the hands of Matta Gyalusetsu, which has led to his over-arcing conflict: his desire to find Matta and kill him as revenge. I tend to hate characters in stories who have the "My Sister is Dead" archetype or trope, but the main reason is because most characters who have that JUST have that, and for Kuripa that's something I'm trying to avoid. One of the most important parts of Kuripa's character is the contrast between his dark, almost psychopathic side that believes murder is a suitable way to indefinitely solve a problem, and his regular self, who to put simply, is a complete and total clown. He's like a walking meme, and makes a total fool out of himself, either through just being a mindless tomfool, a playful perv, or a loveable idiotic otaku. Still, his presence is indeed important to everyone around him, especially seen through his interactions with Makoto, Kibin, Mukuro, Uchui, Kokichi, The Kyojin's and the High Roller staff. This is another thing in regards to Kuripa's conflict that is quite saddening to. Similar to Hajime, as things currently stand, Kuripa has an excellent life. He's a successful animator who makes a lot of money from his work, he enjoys his time at the Future Foundation and really looks up to both Makoto and Mukuro who both treat him with a reciprocated amount of respect, he gets to work in tangent with his best friend, he has many pals, some of which are part of an anime club, and on top of it all, he has a cute girlfriend who playfully flirts back and forth with him all the time. He has everything a guy could possibly ever want, but due to his one track mind, he can never be satisfied knowing Kotoko's killer is still out there, and he will do whatever it takes to avenge her...even if he needs to cut a few people down to get it...

//Doing this kind of self-reflective character analysis is pretty refreshing and fun to be honest, although, doing it makes it sound like I have a big head, and am complementary of my own writing where I know many might disagree with my techniques and opinions. You're free to, believe me, but please keep any criticism constructive.

-Mod

[lizziestudieshistory]

Books of 2021 - July

I read a lot this month! I’m not even sure how I managed it, especially when we consider I’ve read another 850 pages between Anna Karenina and Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows on top of this lot!

I’m just going to apologise now for not proof reading this... I’m finishing this off at 2 in the morning to schedule and I’m sick of looking at my own writing at the moment.

Amnesty by Lara Elena Donnelly - Technically I read this at the end of June, however, I was on holiday so couldn’t include it in last month’s wrap up.

I’ve already spoken about the Amberlough Dossier and anyone who’s been around my blog for longer than about 10 seconds knows I love this trilogy. Amnesty was no exception. We have the return of Cyril, he and Ari working through their relationship (or not quite understandably), and the fall out from the fall of the Ospies - this world’s equivalent to the Nazi party. It’s not an easy book to read and the glamour of the first installment is completely stripped away to deal with very complex moral and political questions. I don’t necessarily agree with Donnelly’s answers, however, I do admire her for really delving into these very difficult topics. She used the speculative nature of the Amberlough Dossier to come up with a sensitive and interesting discussion on a very difficult period in history.

I’m hoping to write a proper review for the whole trilogy at some point (once I’ve finished the monstrosity that is my Words of Radiance review) so I don’t want to say too much more here. However, I do want to say I really enjoyed that Donnelly found the space to continue looking at the smaller, private, and interpersonal consequences of the Ospies’ regime, particularly for families. It’s a sensitive look into this situation and I loved every second of it - I also adore Cyril and Ari’s relationship, but I’ll dig into them in my proper reivew.

Master of Sorrows by Justin Call - this was a slightly underwhelming read for me, although I did really enjoy it. I’ve seen Master of Sorrows praised everywhere, I don’t think I’ve seen it given less than 5 stars? Yet, for me it was a solid 4 star read. I’d wanted a 5 star read (I’ve been sorely lacking them) but something was holding me back with this one - I do think the series has 5 star potential though and I’m going to read Master Artificer soon!

This is a book clearly embedded in a love of mythology and fantasy. It’s dark and gritty, especially in the second half, with plenty for the reader to sink their teeth into. I’ve also never seen such a strong focus on physical disability in a fantasy novel - it was refreshing to see and led to an interesting use of the magic system to develop ways of overcoming physical disadvantages. Although I’m hoping this is going to be explored further in later installments as, for a large part of this book, Annev was essentially able bodied due to a magical prosthetic he never takes off.

Unfortuantely the most interesting part of this book, for me, was the mythological world building at the start of each part in the book. The myths, clearly based on Norse mythology (I’m sorry but “Odar” was a bit obvious), were fascinating, particularly as they started to have an influence on the events of the main narrative. I just wanted to know more about the gods than the actual story, this is probably a me issue though... The main plotline felt generic: Annev is a boy in a coming of age story, complete with a magic(ish) assassin school, a wise old mentor, and a destiny/prophesy surrounding him. It’s a typical fantasy story, so far, and while I do really enjoy these plotlines (I read enough of them!) it’s not exactly the most original. Nevertheless, I am excited to see where Call goes with this as I do think the rest of the series will start growing into something much more interesting and I look forward to Master Artificer.

Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte - this is one of my favourite books of all time, we all know this by now... See my full review for Bronte’s masterpiece here.

The Bedlam Stacks by Natasha Pulley - July has been the month of Natasha Pulley for me because I’ve rediscovered just how much I LOVE her books. I first read Pulley back in...what, 2017? (It’s been a while...) with her debut novel, The Watchmaker of Filigree Street which I remember loving, but I never continued with The Bedlam Stacks, the only other available book by Pulley at the time. To be frank with you, it’s because at 18/19 I wasn’t that interested in Peru. However, I now really want to read The Kingdoms, Pulley’s new release, but I felt obliged to read the books I already owned by her and hadn’t read - so I picked up The Bedlam Stacks as it’s the one I’ve owned the longest without having read it...

Not reading The Bedlam Stacks back then was the best decision I’ve ever made because I know at 18 I wouldn’t have appreciated what a stunning masterpiece this book is - it would have flown over my head because, at the time, I just wanted more Thaniel and Mori. At 23 I ADORED this book. I absolutely fell in love with the subtle whimsy and quite, understated beauty of this story. Pulley has such an elegant way of writing, it’s never overdone - she has a way of playing with words which reads beautifully but doesn’t feel like too much. She’s never flowery or purple with her prose, but she does create a work of art.

Unfortunately, The Bedlam Stacks is a book I think a lot of people may struggle with - there’s not a lot of plot, everything is a bit weird, and it’s largely a character study for our two main characters: Merrick Tremayne and Raphael. Merrick’s journey to Peru to find quinine - a cure for malaria - for the British Empire is really a set up to allow the rest of the book to focus on these two characters. It’s centred on the very slow development of their relationship together, coming to understand each other, and eventually open up about themselves - well this is more in Raphael’s case. It’s a poignant story about two people finding a home with each other that will endure across time and distance - it’s not quite a romance, but it’s certainly more than a friendship. Personally I read them as ace, but there is definitely scope here to read them in a variety of other ways depending on your own experiences. But what is certain is their deep connection, and that their love (platonic or otherwise) is what drives the outcome of this story.

It’s beautiful, poignant, and slightly tragic when you think about it... I loved every minuet of it and just wanted the book to continue, I was genuinely sad it was over! It’s not a novel for everyone, and I do think the opening section needed some more work as it did feel like Pulley was saying ‘lets get over this necessary but boring set up’. However, it was exactly what I wanted and I’m so happy I’ve finally read it.

I’m also much more interested in Peru now, so that’s something else to hold in it’s favour!

The Watchmaker of Filigree Street by Natasha Pulley - I’m falling slightly out of order here but it seems better to continue with Pulley’s books. Most of the same praise I gave to The Bedlam Stacks can be repeated here - Pulley’s writing is slightly weaker here but it’s only really noticable because I read both books one after the other and I was thinking about her prose. The same whimsical, poetic, and understated style is used in both books and it really suits the type of stories Pulley like to tell - and again it’s a style that really works for me.

The Watchmaker of Filigree Street I think is a slightly more universally likeable story - although I would argue Pulley is an acquired taste. There is a bit less whimsy, and the relationship between Thaniel and Mori is more easily quantifiable for readers. There is also a more obvious plotline to follow, whilst still developing three compelling characters with Mori, Thaniel, and Grace. Personally I don’t love Grace - I find her brash and callous - however, she does have as good of an arc as Thaniel and Mori, she’s also someone who regularly get overlooked when people talk about this book. She’s not someone I like or approve of, but I do really understand where she’s coming from and can appreciate her growth. Pulley doesn’t need us to like Grace - or any of her characters - she presents them as they are and lets us cast our own judgements on them, and I sincerely love this about her. (I’m also so up for reading more about Grace and her relationship with Matsumoto, they’re fabulous together!)

The main draw to this book is definitely the relationship between Thaniel and Mori - how could you not love them? They’re fascianting to watch - together and separately - and throughout the course of this nove you really feel them grow into their relationship. It’s beautiful to watch and feels genuine. Their bond is earnt, not just presented to us as a fact. However, what I really love about Mori and Thaniel is the slightly sinister route Mori takes to make sure he meets Thaniel. Honestly, in any other book Mori would be horrifying with his slightly callous use of his abilities to manipulate the world around him to achieve his own ends. However, with the narrative framing here he’s slightly toned down, it’s a spectacular example of framing shaping audience perspectives on a character. It’s great and I appreciate the sensitivity Pulley used to shape Mori and the relationship between him and Thaniel. I’m also really looking forward to seeing how they develope in The Lost Future of Pepperharrow.

Henry V by William Shakespeare - I don’t really have a lot to say about Henry V... I’ve never felt that strongly about this play - it’s fine? It’s a FABULOUS play to watch (I’ve partial to the Tom Hiddleston version in The Hollow Crown) but to read it’s merely okay. There are some fantastic and very famous speeches - and I absolutely adore the Chorus. However, as a whole the play is merely a decent one. I’m always left a bit uncomfortable with how Shakespeare treats the French, and I’m yet to work out where I stand on Henry as a person and the morality of the war... It’s something to ponder and maybe write something on at a later date.

Unfortunately, this one falls into a similar issue as the Henry IV plays - I just don’t like the common men plotline within this one... It’s slightly better because Falstaff isn’t in this play, except in name (I have an absolute burning hatred of Falstaff... Like we could burn him out of English literature and I’d dance on the ashes level of hatred, it’s perhaps sllightly irrational but I loathe him. I’d otherwise like the Henry IV plays but I see Falstaff and I’m immediately full of seething rage. It’s apparently very funny for my best friend.) However, I just find the common men a tedious distraction from the rest of the play. I switch off whenever I’m watching the play and they’re on stage/screen. I know why they’re there I just don’t care - it’s a me issue, I’m well aware.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince by J.K. Rowling - okay I’m not going to write much on Half-Blood Prince as a whole becasue 1. Rowling herself, and 2. I’m going to rank the Harry Potter books when I’ve finished with Deathly Hallows. Overall, I loved this book, it’s always been one of my favourite Potter novels and my reread only cemented its place. The plot is genuinely interesting and well thought out, it’s one of the best books for exploring Harry as a character (I adore seeing his darker side!), and the set up for the finale is excellent. I actually perfer it to Deathly Hallows because the promises it makes are more interesting than the actual execution of the book.

However, I do want to say that this book made Snape my new favourite character - I won’t explain why yet, I need to do a full spoiler discussion of ALL the Harry Potter books, including Deathly Hallows. But Snape is by far the best drawn character in the Potter series. He’s certainly not the nicest, kindest of most likeable. Snape’s not a moral paragon, neither has he ‘done nothing wrong’ as I’ve seen argued. But he is the most interesting and morally complex.

Everytime I’ve read Potter before, Snape’s a character I’ve not really thought about - which is shocking considering how much he’s in these books, the role he plays, and the discourse around him in the Harry Potter fandom. I’ve always just gone along with the face-value presentation of his character. Yet on this reread I’ve paid attention to Snape, not deliberately, it just naturally happened. Anyway, to cut a long story short - Snape is my new favourite character! Yes Lupin is still my irrational, undying favourite. But, in terms of having a genuine interest and reason for loving him Snape is my new favourite because he is so complicated! He’s someone I’ve come to understand and sympathise with. I don’t condone Snape, I still think he’s a piece of work who should NEVER be allowed around children. But he is a good person. Again not nice, likeable, or morally sound. Yet he does spend the best part of 20 years working tirelessly for good without praise, acknowledgement, or recongition.

He’s a fascinating character and I’ve adored diving into his mind, as much as you can in this very Harry-centric series, without the accepting bias of a child’s eyes. Snape’s one of the few characters in Harry Potter I’d like to read a book about - I’ve neber been one to want a Marauder’s spin off or Hogwarts founding story. But I think diving into Snape’s mind would genuinely be worth it and an interesting experiment, I just don’t think J.K. Rowling would be the right author to do it.

[your-turn-to-role]

This is coming from a place of genuine confusion....but why does a sect of the fandom dislike Marisha so much?? Like, I haven't seen it for ANY of the other players. Is it a "wife/girlfriend of the DM" complex, because I've seen that before. Idk, I don't get it, and no amount of googling has made me understand lol.

yeahhhhhhh

okay, to preface, i absolutely disagree with all of the marisha hate, i think she's a great player and is really unfairly treated

but a couple reasons why this tends to be a thing:

1) just plain old regular misogyny, yeah. all the girls on cr get it to an extent, but it's stronger with marisha - the idea that dnd is inherently a man's game and therefore no woman could be good at it is pervasive even in this fandom, not outright, but in subtle things, like how people give the guys a lot more leeway to do dumb shit than the girls, and on dnd posts in the past i've seen comments like "this reads like how laura and marisha would describe dnd while their husbands facepalm in the background", which like... isn't really harmful on the surface, but i have a hard time imagining matt and especially travis ever facepalming at their wives genuine ideas? like if it's obviously meant to be something ridiculous and not taken seriously, sure, but otherwise, that subtle implication that they see travis as a better player than laura is just way off. (and matt has more dnd experience than marisha but like... she's still a very good player)

2) the keyleth instinct. so here's the thing about campaign one and the characters they chose to play - the majority of the cast played within their comfort zone. they branched out a lot for c2, and obviously they as people aren't identical to their vox machina counterparts, but they're not too far away either. liam's stated he irl would be a rogue, taliesin likes playing intelligent edgy teenage assholes bc he was one, laura is a bit more goofy than vex but she still thinks a lot the same, scanlan is very sam, travis is obviously a lot smarter than grog but he still fell very in line with the kind of character travis is comfortable playing and the things he wants to explore.

but marisha chose a character in campaign one who was completely the opposite of her natural self. marisha is confident and very take no shit and a natural leader, keyleth is awkward and shy and doubts herself and overthinks things and has really bad luck in basically everything she ever tries. and people watched campaign one and assumed all of those traits were just the way marisha was. if you aren't drawn to keyleth as a character, it's relatively easy to find ways to hate her (which again circles back to the misogyny a bit). they see keyleth constantly fuck up due to awkwardness and think "marisha doesn't know how to play the game". they see keyleth be a mess of a person socially and think "wow marisha's not a very good actor if she can't handle this", completely ignoring the fact that she is acting very well and it's proven by the fact that they think keyleth is marisha

(and while she still gets hate as either character, the keyleth hate was far worse than the beau hate)

3) people just, not getting what she's doing. i wasn't in the fandom for the early days of cr2, but i have friends who were, and they've said there were circles of the fandom where everything marisha did was in question, even people not believing beau was a lesbian when it's made obvious in episode one, because what if she's doing it on purpose as a scam? and like, to broaden that a bit, i think marisha's characters and their decisions get misread a lot. i personally happen to find both beau and keyleth very relatable, so i usually get where they're coming from (mostly, bowlgate i was more on caleb's side there, but i still don't think she deserves hate for it), but to people who don't, or just haven't put effort into trying to understand marisha's characters, then between keyleth's awkwardness and beau's abrasiveness i think the majority of what they pick up from marisha's characters is negative

which is a shame, because they're both really good, well thought out, interesting characters.

4) this is going into my own meta for a bit, but, something i've found about marisha's characters is they're quite down to earth and very easily the viewpoint character of the group, in a way? like obviously it's an ensemble cast, but like... let's take keyleth. campaign one starts and ends with her. the very first adventure is triggered by her leaving home for the first time, to start her aramente. she's led a sheltered life up to this point, she doesn't know the world she's walking into - so we learn about this fantasy world at the same time she does. she has the most linear and easy to follow development, her aramente spans most of the story, and once it's done things only get more centered on her. she's now a leader of her people, she's fulfilled her destiny, but that means she lives so long all her worst fears are coming true - that she'll have to spend the rest of her life alone. how did we learn this was her biggest fear? because she's been scared since the start of losing vax, but the reason she has him at all is she resolved to not let that fear control her. and then as the endgame comes in, she suddenly has to face that head on. vax has a week left to live. barely two days after, they run into sprigg - someone who lived so long after all his friends died that he's lost himself, forgotten them, become a hermit of a person who's just living because he's got nothing better to do - everything keyleth believes she will become, and fears so much. but he proves she can still choose to remember them, and choose to live in their absence, not just survive. keyleth is the one who seals away vecna, who's grown so much in her power since that little scared druid girl, she can banish a god. and our story ends with her, and her father, and a raven - she's moving on, she's living, she's thriving, but she'll never forget.

if i was gonna write out vox machina's story as a novel, there is no character who would better suit being the protagonist than her

it's a bit less strong with beau, but she's still one of the more relatable characters, she's a human, who had a rebellious teenage years because of shitty overbearing parents, she's not a magic user, she's from the country we start in (and doesn't have a dark dangerous mystical secret like caleb and veth), a lot of the big turning points in the story have had her take the lead, it's the relative mundanity that gives a contrast to and lifts up the others, while still being a highly interesting character in her own right. beau is a grounding force of the mighty nein.

i personally like those kinds of characters, but i've noticed in almost all fandoms with a main character and then a group of side characters, the main character is rarely anyone's fave, overlooked in favour more (subjectively) interesting side characters, but then because the story puts the focus on the main character, people get sick of them and start to hate them? and in this form of storytelling, there is no main character, but people sorta do that to those kinds of characters anyway. and in addition to all the other marisha stuff, that probably contributes

[snowflake-of-destruction]

let's hear about FFVIII seifer, if you're still doing this XD

Why I like them: You know my tastes. A green-eyed man is introduced throwing fireballs around, is kind of a condescending jerk but in a fun way, instigates deep conversations on high ground while staring at the sunset...Well, before we even get to villainy, immolation, and redemption arc, I start going “Is this a favorite character?”  I’m joking...kind of. Some of that does factor in, even the fire. 

Okay, so my favorite thing about Seifer’s arc is that, in the limited focus he’s given, he’s complex and layered from the beginning, and his villain arc is a clear and fascinating illustration of “No man chooses evil because it is evil; he only mistakes it for happiness, the good he seeks” ….with a side of brainwashing.

Let’s break this down:

What are some of the words used to describe him by those that know him (by himself, by Squall, by Fuu and Rai)? Romantic. Idealistic. Sensitive. He is the one who believes in making a difference in the world--not just as a wish or goal, but as an imperative to do what your heart says is right even if it’s going to cost you--where Squall is just follow-the-orders-and-do-the-job. If you’re already reading this and objecting, I’m not saying Squall doesn’t care...obviously he does, defrosting Mr. Go Talk to a Wall and getting him to a place where he admits how many layers of mask he wears is his character development...but Seifer isn’t just a hothead. He wears his heart on his sleeve. 

Don’t get me wrong. I am not trying to deny that Seifer can be an abrasive, self-serving, hypocritical jackass sometimes,  who can fight dirty, wants to “wreak some havoc,” and has a history as a bully--though, gentlefolk of the jury, I submit to the courts that he puts on a tough act like Squall does and they are both different flavors of trying to mimic toxic alpha male--but let’s not forget that some of his establishing character moments are throwing out his future to disobey orders because he sees that the higher-ups have possibly misjudged the situation and civilians could be in danger, and, again, going AWOL because he thinks Squall and Rinoa could be killed. And he calls himself the white knight and holds up a code of honor until the end, even though it gets twisted. He is about duty and honor, with honor even over duty.

Oh, this was only going to be the beginning. I haven’t even begun to touch on what I would want to touch on--this is just surface personality and the beginning of the game before we even get to joining Sorceress Edea, and even then not all I would say-- but this post isn’t actually supposed to be my Ted talk on what you missed if you just think of Seifer as a recurring boss fight. Let’s move on.

ONE MORE THING ACTUALLY. Even though we see a lot of Seifer at his worst, you can use Fujin and Raijin as a mirror. What do they say near the end of the game if we paraphrase/summarize? They knew pretty early on, before even the senseless slaughter and torture era that Seifer was going down a dark path with the sorceress, but they knew it wasn’t him and stayed with him, not because they agreed with his actions, wanted power, or out of fear, but to take care of him and try to break through to him--and not because they are saints, but because he, despite what had happened in the past year, is the type of person who deserves and inspires that kind of loyalty. Let’s think on that.

Now the rest goes under a read more, because I am going to keep rambling and be wordy

Why I don’t: He can be an asshole, and he’s an asshole in an embarrassing way. As in, if one is trying to say he’s not the little punk his KH counterpart is, you remember he still uses the insult chickenwuss (though that is a legacy insult/nickname since he’s known Zell since childhood--and, fyi, Squall uses it too) and he had a little gang in school. Even once he’s a military commander of an evil army set on world domination, he has some moments where his level of petty undermines him.

Favorite episode (scene if movie): The Dollet mission

Favorite line: Sorry, not sorry that the following is my favorite exchange of lines and that the prison torture scene is another of my favorite scenes. For context, Seifer has captured Squall, has him hanging up on the wall in crucified hero imagery, implied to be shirtless even though his character model isn’t because they talk about scar tissue or lack thereof from a recent shoulder injury/Squall being stabbed in the chest/shoulder area. Seifer has been electrocuting Squall for information. By this point, I might as well have put the whole scene here. Also, I am now going to blame Squall and Seifer text boxes in FFVIII for my own abuses of ellipses...

Seifer: " I was hoping you'd be there, Squall. So... how'd I look in my moment of triumph? My childhood dream, fulfilled. I've become the sorceress' knight."

Squall: [internal monologue] ...Sorceress' knight... ...His...romantic dream...? But... Seifer... Now, you're just a…[Out loud] "... torturer."

[Squall passes out.]

Seifer: "What did you say? [Steps closer] Passed out cold, eh? This is the scene where you swear your undying hatred for me! The tale of the evil mercenary versus the sorceress' knight!”

This isn’t just me all “mmm, tension.” Seifer has passed the moral event horizon, and it’s not just faceless NPCs that are collateral damage anymore. We’ve seen him on screen torture the protagonist, who is also one of the only people who he’s shown to have a real bond with that goes beyond superficial. Then we get this and see Seifer thinks he’s the good guy still, on a noble mission where he’s had to make painful sacrifices, and Squall is a representative of the power-hungry evil. Seifer’s been playing a different game, and had his will twisted via magic.

Favorite outfit: The Amano art where the white coat is cast off and he’s wearing the simple black shirt and black jeans under it. Symbolic? Maybe. I wouldn’t give up the coat though. I love the long white/gray coat, the outer embodiment of wanting to wear the white hat, but the desire easily getting tarnished, and the red cross that turns into a sword and becomes Seifer’s symbol and soon to appear other places, emblazoned nice and big on the sleeve. It’s the Cross of Saint James. TRADITIONALLY red represents the blood of Christ, the three lilies represent the honor of the apostle and reference Christ as lily of the valley, and the sword shape represents the torture that St.James suffered before his murder. HOWEVER, my opinion is that here it’s more vague/altered symbolism (For starters, there are other gods not the Christian God in this world) with a side of “looks cool.” We still have something that clearly calls to mind a mission from on high, innocence in the lilies, blood and blood cost, and then war/violence with the sword. And I love it. 

OTP: Seifer/Squall. I should not even start, but lest you think I am just in it for kinky torture scenes: We have these two who, in the beginning, are generally callous or mocking toward everyone, but make each other laugh/smile, see who each other are underneath and describe each other in “soft” terms even if they tease each other for it, repeatedly check in on each other to see if the other is okay, respect each other’s opinion and skills, and...you get the idea. In the words of Zell Dincht, I thought you two were rivals, but you’re all buddy-buddy. 

Pause for a second and let’s just say first impression. That opening fight where they scar each other’s faces? It takes place outside Balamb Garden and the area is shown so we see they are alone. Squall passes out. Squall wakes up in the infirmary within the Garden base. Squall has to explain what happened; people don’t already know. This kind of implies after Squall passed out, Seifer, bleeding from a head wound himself, picked Squall up and carried him home, allowing himself to collapse only when Squall was being safely tended to, because he’s that extra. This is his first (okay, second, after fireballs and face slashing) action in the game even though it’s offscreen. I mean, he could have also just called for help/ran for help, but that’s less fun.

 Seifer is so concerned with being a badass, but he’s admits to Squall all he’s ever wanted was to be the fairytale knight, not a mere soldier. Vulnerability and confession he wants romance....with the first time it’s brought up in game being while they are watching the sun set together, the traditional Square Red Sunset of Shipping. 

Seifer hesitates to defy orders, not for himself, but until he sees Squall is with him. Even though there were other “children of destiny” who all came from the same orphanage, Squall and Seifer were the ones who were never apart, never adopted until it was by a military/mercenary training program, and, even though it may speak more to brotherly than romantic from some angles, there’s a feeling of being the same, knowing each other down to the atoms, adopting an us against the world mindset that trumps trying to best each other when it comes down to it because they are the only constant. When Squall has his breakdown/ breakthrough of why he pushes people away/doesn’t let himself care/tries not to need anyone because people leave/are taken from him and he is scared he isn’t worthy of love and happiness until Rinoa challenges him, this may seem like a dismissal of Seifer, but you can also look at it from “I had no friends or family. I didn’t even have interest in speaking to anyone. I strived to be an unfeeling machine, because all emotion is pain...But also I couldn’t go 48 hours without seeing Seifer.”

Yeah, yeah, we know their main form of hanging out was beating the tar out of each other, but sometimes, especially in older media, this was its own brand of subtext. For more on how Seifer miiiight just view sparring let’s point out that “Isn’t this ROMANTIC?” and “Kneel” as a less easily interpreted as innuendo version of  “I want you on your knees” are battle quotes even in Kingdom Hearts sooo draw your own conclusion. 

We get a line where Squall makes it clear these were friendly matches looked at as pushing their limits beyond what they are allowed to in sanctioned spars, and he feels prepared to take on anything  now because of Seifer. Is it healthy communication  in real life? No! Is this real life? No! Plus, the facial scar was an accident, pretty clearly...on Seifer’s side...I could write another essay on how Seifer draws first blood, but it’s because on Squall’s failed block, AND THEN SQUALL GETS ANGRY AND RETALIATES WITH CLEAR PURPOSE AND MAKES THE OPENING SHOT INTO THE FIRST SIGN GOOD VERSUS BAD GUY ISN’T SO CLEAR CUT (even though they both shouldn’t have been going so hard in a friendly training match to begin with).

 Seifer’s later, repeated threats/expressed desire to give Squall additional scars once he goes evil? That is a different animal, and a horrible one, objectively. Not objectively? No comment. Okay, one comment. Mark you as mine. Two comments. He knows Squall’s lost some memories and he can’t stomach being the next thing forgotten so Squall needs physical reminders.

Hmmm, I was supposed to be talking about the ship, not just the sparring and scars. We can wrap it up with a Marge Simpson. “I just think they’re neat”

BUT ONE MORE THING

Squall’s jacket when he becomes Leon in Kingdom Hearts. His outfit is mostly the same, right? Except the back of the jacket now has a red patch of an emblem (of Rinoa’s angel wings, not Seifer’s cross...for the OT3 feel), and his fight with Sora he throws a fireball like Seifer’s signature. Just, you know, if you want bonus references/feeling.

Brotp: Fuu and Rai. They are willing to commit war crimes with this man, nurse him back from death’s door, and go into exile with him if he can’t return to a normal life even after a redemption arc. This section deserves to be long, but I am beginning to get talked out. Don’t take that as devaluing the friendship though. I’m glad he was allowed to keep his ride or dies in Kingdom Hearts. FRIENDSHIP! They love him, ya know?

Head Canon: What we see of him at the end of the game is a temporary situation and after he heals and refreshes for awhile he’d go back to Balamb and face consequences for his actions, and probably insist on consequences instead of leaning into “an evil sorceress bespelled me and slowly took my free will.” No hiding away in the wilderness. No crossing into and living his life in Esthar. No, “but in the end I broke free and would have been an active, onscreen part of saving the world if Square had let me join the party!” He would insist on being cast into a deep, dark cell. Squall uses pull to get him pardoned, but not before just, flat out, yelling at him for being a martyr.

Unpopular opinion: He did love Rinoa. It may have been a “shallow love,” but he wasn’t just dating her to pass time or because she played into his damsel who needs a hero mindset. There was emotion. He was prepared to die for her and Squall in Timber, and almost did--only being saved by Sorceress Edea...which wasn’t a kindness, but it all worked out in the end. Sure, he gets mind-controlled into using Rinoa as, basically, a human sacrifice and it isn’t Rinoa he wants stripped and brought to his room when we’re taking prisoners, but he cared about her. He does taunt her about their past relationship, but we’ve already established this is just part of his communication skillset.  Yes, I will elaborate more if asked, though it’s more feeling based than text based. 

A wish: If there’s ever a sequel, let him have put out the good in the world that was his dream and be seen as a hero. Let us see a matured and peaceful Seifer. 

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen: My one fear if they ever remake FFVIII instead of just porting it, is that some of the creative team have said they like the fan theory where you are dead part way through the game and the rest is a dying dream or purgatory. It’s creative stuff; I will say that. It’s not my favorite, and I don’t agree, but those kinds of fan interpretations when they go in depth are super cool. PLEASE LET THE INTEREST IN IT JUST BE THE SAME AS MINE OF THINKING IT’S CREATIVE BECAUSE MAKING THIS  CANON WOULD BE SO, SO BAD FOR EVERY CHARACTER.

5 words to best describe them: stubborn, misguided, paladin, romantic, petty

My nickname for them: I don’t really have one

[9worldstales]

INTERESTING POINTS TO PONDER FROM INTERVIEWS 14

Interviews might not remain forever available or not be easy to find so I’ve decided to link them and transcribe the points I find of some interest so as to preserve them should the interview had to end up removed.

It’s not complete transcriptions, just the bits I think can be relevant but I wholeheartedly recommend reading the whole thing.

And of course I also comment all this because God forbid I’ll keep silent… :P

Title: Interview: Tom Hiddleston on Being an Eloquent Badass

Author: Jack Giroux

Published: May 2, 2011

BEST BITS FROM THE INTERVIEW

ABOUT THE PEOPLE WORKING ON “THOR”

Getting serious for a second: when you read a script for a film like Thor, is it difficult imagining certain ideas or getting that same sense of scope on the page?

Tom Hiddleston: Amazingly, the writers [Zack Stentz and Don Payne] and all of those guys had painted the picture so vividly. It was like someone describing the dreams I had as a child: the idea of traveling between space and time; that there were other planets; and an advance race living in a parallel universe. When I came onboard the visual effects team were so incredible. At the beginning of the shoot they were all on hand with laptops with sizzle reels of the type of things they were planning. We were so helped in refining and specifying our imaginations, in terms of what Asgard would look like and the Frost Giants and all those things. There were lots of brilliant people involved when it came to bringing Asgard to life.

Do you have to put a lot of trust into Kenneth Branagh, in terms of how he’ll make that world come to life?

Tom Hiddleston: Kenneth Branagh is so brilliant. You just jump in. He’s the captain of the ship and you have to abide by his rules. It’s about trust. Kenneth has such a love for the material and loves the Norse Gods. He seemed to have such an amazing handle on it. He was determined to make it relatable and human, not campy. He wanted to ground it in some intense human drama, and I think that kept us all quite level headed.

ABOUT LOKI

You mentioned at Comic-Con that you gave Branagh a lot of different ideas or tones to play with. What were those different tones and what would you say, ultimately, made it in the film?

Tom Hiddleston: Well, there were so many different sides to Loki that we thought we wanted to play with, in every scene. There’s a side to him that takes a relish in chaos. It’s, in a way, that Loki that doesn’t keep his cards close to his chest at all. He’s a little more revealing of his motivations. There’s another side to him where his cards are so close to his chest that they’re locked in a treasure chest that he’s thrown away the key to. There was another version that was a more emotionally volatile take. We hung these [takes] on great actors. The Peter O’Toole take would be the emotional volatility. The Jack Nicholson take would be our shorthand for relish. And the Clint Eastwood take would be having the cards close to his chest. [Laughs] We used those three actors as a shorthand.

A character like Loki could easily be a very mustache-twirling villain, but from what I’ve heard, there’s a great sense of sadness to him.

Tom Hiddleston: Kenneth and I both love complexity; I think what fascinates us both about acting is that there’s almost a psychological study involved. We’re quite interested in what makes different people do what they do and what makes them tick. We always wanted to make Loki a complicated and multilayered villain. We wanted him to be someone that kept you guessing whether or not he’s telling the truth or lying. We didn’t want to copy anyone else or be two-dimensional. That was really what we tried to do.

So he’s not someone that’s going to kill for the sake of killing?

Tom Hiddleston: No, no. Not at all. I think it all comes from a misguided intention to win the love and approval of his father. Loki is fiercely intelligent and has a chess master’s mind of someone who is capable of thinking six or seven steps ahead. What gives him his credentials as a bad guy is that all of his intelligence is rooted in a deep sadness and a sense of confusion as to what his place is in the family of Asgard. Odin is King and Thor is the eldest son who stands to inherit the throne, but what does that mean for Loki? What is his value? What does that make his place in the universe? He feels rejected, betrayed, lied to, and alone. When you add all that to the cocktail of his intelligence, you get someone pretty badass and dangerous.

Is that where Loki’s hatred for Thor comes from? The fact that he’s the thinker, while Thor is someone that only thinks with his fists?

Tom Hiddleston: Absolutely. Loki is the artist and Thor is the quarterback, which was something [producer] Craig Kyle said. If Thor and Loki were on their way back from the pub and someone started a fight, Loki would be trying to think of the best way to avoid fighting and Thor would probably start the fight. There’s a bit of an infuriation at the center of Loki; he is so frustrated by that instinct in Thor. Loki needs him as physical protection, but he resents the fact he’s so hot-tempered, arrogant, and quick to throw a punch.

MY TWO CENTS

I love how we’re told that “Thor” was so well planned in each term possible, from the visual to the script. You get the idea there’s a lot of work behind it.

I also love how Tom Hiddleston studied his character and can talk about him and how he works. Loki is exactly as complicate and multilayered as he says and it’s great how all this was studied to get to this effect.

I also love how he remarks he’s not killing for the sake of killing but because he thinks this will win his father’s love and approval. Odin really did a terrible job as a parent as both his sons think he wants them to be slaughterers of worlds. I also love how he remarks Loki was meant to be a chessmaster who’s ahead people in planning or how he remarks most of Loki’s problems steems from how he feels rejected, betrayed and alone, without a place in the universe.

Tom Hiddleston says something interesting as well, that Loki needs Thor as ‘physical protection’. It seems a bit weird as Loki seems pretty strong himself.

In another interview though Jaimie Alexander (Sif) will say Loki isn’t as strong as her. Maybe the idea is that Thor is just much stronger and, normally, Asgard is up to fight much stronger enemies than the ones we see, and much bigger in number.

Loki is a planner so with his schemes he can accomplish defeating enemies stronger than him, but maybe, originally, in a direct confrontation he would be at disadvantage, which fits with how Thor is depicted as the strongest when they’re on Jotunheim. In this sense, if the idea was he was usually sent to battle with tons of enemies all stronger than him, having Thor in his team could have been a good thing. This would mean also Thor held back when they fought one against the other, so that we got the idea they instead were more or less matched. Still the whole thing isn’t really developed in the movie so it’s hard to say.

Tom Hiddleston discusses a bit in the interview about how Thor and Loki fight one against each other but I didn’t even reported the scene because it says nothing of interest in this topic so the whole thing is up for speculation.

[everything-laito]

Never expected the Laito vs Shin CD to be this deep on Laito’s side. Hi, I’m back at it again with another long rant.

Hiiii! It’s Corn here, with a long awaited analysis of the Laito vs Shin drama cd! 

I didn’t expect to like this pairing as much as I did, but honestly Shin’s abrasiveness brought more out of Laito than I expected. Maybe it’s also the combination of Laito struggling to keep himself restrained. 

If you wanna hear my shitpost 2 am reactions to this, here’s the link. I go back now and realize I forgot some stuff in my notes to put in there, but oh well haha. If you want me to release the ones I forgot let me know lololol, my 2 am ramblings are pretty funny in hindsight. Thank you to @/dialovers-translations for providing the translations to these CDs! If you want to check the CD out for yourself, here it is. And as always, if you want to add anything, feel free to! Huge analysis under the cut :)

So the CD starts off with Laito and Yui. They’re in public somewhere and Laito’s being… Laito. But he’s trying to be quiet which was off putting for me at first. Anyways, this takes place right after the Lost Eden ending. I will admit I haven’t played Lost Eden or has seen the translations yet (I like playing the games as I do) but I do know that in in some endings the Sakamakis (and Mukamis???? I think??? Not sure) inherit daddy ketchup’s power. (I think it’s all of them that do in their endings but correct me if I’m wrong). 

So we know that Laito doesn’t like violence from him saying it multiple times in past games, drama cds, etc. He also mentioned in Haunted Dark Bridal that he doesn’t like family politics and has no interest in having the throne/Karl’s power. So, safe to assume from the start he doesn’t like having this power. And oh boy he is NOT having it. 

In my notes of the first track I made a quip of that Laito’s been kind of a “wannabe romantic.” I know that’s not the best way to describe it, but he’s like “human girls like this right?” or “this is what you do in a relationship, right?” (And he either puts his own twist on it or it ends up being More Blood’s vampire ending). So in this he holds your hand, no tricks, no nothing. I know this is a result of Rejet’s writing change after HDB, but also I think it’s some development on Laito’s end too (either way, it’s cute as hell). I honestly took this as him trying to distract himself from the power he now has; one that he never wanted in the first place. And we know Laito: master of distracting himself from his own issues and other people. 

Laito: “Fufu…You’re shaking~ In that case, should we just dive down from here while I hold you in my arms? …We’ll reach the ground in no time, but it might be reaaaaaally scary.”

Laito: “I’m not going to jump down. After all, I’ve decided I won’t use these powers no matter what.”

Although it takes some deeper knowledge of Laito, he definitely is using the ol “making fun of things I’m insecure about = coping mechanism” plenty of people like to do. He’s teasing himself; making a little quip of it and then kinda turning serious, yet still remaining his “~playful Laito façade~” self. In my notes I say that I’m glad Rejet stuck by with Laito’s whole “I have no interest in these powers” kinda thing. I also think that it scares him, on top of the fact that he just doesn’t give a shit. Or him having the “I don’t give a shit” attitude is a cover up for that fear? We’re gonna go deeper into that, my fellow sinners. 

Before I get into that, I just wanted to point out yet another quote that follows the ones that I put. 

Laito: “Don’t look so puzzled. This is the human world, isn’t it? It would be odd. There’s no hidden meaning behind it. That’s all.”

I liked my note in response to this quote: “H A H don’t be so DAFT, Laito, you’re the KING of double meanings. I know this is a liiiieeeeee” and man, I gotta agree with my cryptid self. He’s using the fact that it’s the human world as an excuse for him to not use his powers. Which…. Is a valid excuse. But this is also Laito we’re talking about. And he just sucked your blood in public. And moaned. I can see right through you man. Laito without double meanings is just…. He can’t exist. There’s no way. Sure he’s developed but if he’s still sticking with his façade from time to time, it’s a safe assumption; deductively. 

As for Laito fearing his powers, it really starts to prove itself by Track 02. Shin finds him, attacks him with wolves, and Laito STILL doesn’t use his powers, even in self defense. For a man that has 0 self restraint typically,,,,,, he really can restrain himself for the most specific things. This further supports my claim that Laito’s scared of himself with these powers. He’s also just really dedicated to his morals, whether they’re falsified morals he created himself in self defense, or ones that go deep to his core (oh shit, another analysis idea???). 

Then… Laito got angry, and attacked Shin in the process (this happens in track 04. Shin steals Yui in track 03). Again, I know I just said he’s pretty dedicated to his morals. But it’s an oddly human thing to do; breaking your morals once in a while to achieve something. We’ve all done it at least once in our lives. Then Laito beats himself up over letting his angry emotions get to him. And we get such a moving scene.

Laito: “Ah…Fuck…! Why…! Why!? Why did I let myself fall for such an easy taunt!? …Bitch-chan? I’m weird, right now, aren’t I? Because of that guy’s powers…Aren’t I going crazy?”

Laito: “…!? I…I’ve been composed this whole time. Yet…Why do you tell me such a thing!? Just as I thought…You also think that I’m becoming weird! If not, you wouldn’t look at me with those eyes!”

Laito: “Don’t touch me…!! If you touch me…You’ll be corrupted as well.”

Laito: “Fufufu…Ahaha…! I’m not corrupted? No, haven’t you experienced it first-hand? That man’s sullied blood and powers are flowing through this body of mine. Even though I don’t need them…! Even though I never wished for them…! Why…!? Why did I have to get these things forced upon me!? Fuck!”

I know that Japanese doesn’t technically have swear words like we do. He says 「くそ」 (“kuso”) which is an interjection that describes something that’s outrageous. Which is why it gets translated into “damn!” “Shit!” “Fuck!” Based on the context and aggressiveness. But, Laito rarely ever says 「くそ」, and he said it a LOT in this CD. And that’s what really caught me off guard. 

So, SO much is said in those quotes I cannot even begin to fathom. So let’s break it down. 

Firstly, as I mentioned, He’s beating himself up (as well as gaslighting himself(?) Is that possible?) over breaking his own morals and not wanting to have these powers in the first place. And he uses Karl as a scapegoat, as he (and the other brothers) have a habit of doing. Also, he refers to his powers as “that guy’s powers.” He hasn’t even accepted that they’re his, and that’s also what’s really sad.

Then the second line. “I’ve been composed this whole time.” Well we, as Laito fans, know that what we usually see Laito is a façade. But this, right now, is raw Laito, baby. He then kinda gets a paranoia of some sort, trying to read your eyes (which is most likely sympathetic, not thinking he’s weird) in order to blame it on someone, or continuing to gaslight himself. And the third line… Wow that hit hard for me in the feels. You know how Laito usually says he wants to corrupt you? Steal your innocence? (Again, projection, from what Cordelia made him feel). This also further supports the notion that Laito doesn’t think that highly of himself (well, people who have some type of superiority complex do. And he definitely does, sometimes on Ayato levels) and also the fact that he still keeps that façade up. Probably to protect these inner feelings. Again, his statement about his composure says as much. 

It’s then implied that Yui tries to comfort him, saying that he’s not corrupted. He continues to not listen to her and kinda say his bottled up feelings. God that last quote, and the way he says it,,,, ugh god it’s so heartbreaking. As we previously knew, he didn’t want these powers at all. He never wanted to be in any part of Karlheinz’s games. He just wanted to live the way he wants to (even if it is,,,, an unhealthy mindset to live in). He says it in such a fearful and tragic way. Again, he’s afraid of himself with these powers. He’s trying to build back up his facade or adjust it in any way that he can to avoid it, but right now, it’s too much for him. 

Laito: “Bitch-chan, you see. As long as she has someone to make her feel good, she will make do with anyone. …Power does not matter. That’s what being a ‘Bitch-chan’ is all about, isn’t it?”

Shin: “Che! You’re just spouting random crap! You won’t deceive me.”

Laito: “Heh…There, there…Don’t glare at me like that..We’ve come all the way up here…It would be foolish to waste our time talking about power dynamics. Let’s enjoy ourselves…I don’t care about complicated stuff. To me, this is everything.”

I actually said something coherent enough in my 2 am notes in response to this to pretty much put it in here verbatim: 

Damn, this boy really just wants to vibe and avoid responsibility (I mean, don’t we all Laito) but he just has to face it. I kinda realize through this drama cd that Laito just… doesn’t wanna face complexity too. He doesn’t, never has. Violence is too complicated, getting involved with Cordelia and Ayato’s relationship by standing up for Ayato as a kid is too complicated, getting on Cordelia’s “good side” (which is uh,,,, awful) is too complicated. 

Putting up that whole perverted façade in order to hide from his own feelings; holy shit idk how I didn’t notice this blatantly before. I didn’t know it would take Shin to make me realize this. Laito never asked for any of this happening to him (none of the boys really did; at least for their pasts). Goddamn, when I try to look at the overly complex stuff, I miss the simple shit so easily. People in real life try to escape like this––using sex and pleasure––just like Laito. 

(Can’t believe I said that at 2 am omg) But, to add onto that, the whole “That’s what being a ‘Bitch-chan’ is all about, isn’t it?” Has SO much meaning to it. First of all, it’s a question. Which raises uncertainty about a subject. This subject is what being a ‘Bitch-chan’ is. It’s phrased in a desperate way that this is Laito’s way to ask you to help. And that’s huge. Also, I think it’s Laito’s way of saying to not judge him right now, and to still accept him for who he is. If he really thought that Yui was that “loose” of a woman with no standards, he wouldn’t have cared to say this, or implied his purpose: which is wanting to make Yui feel good. Which, I think in Laito terms, means “wanting to make Yui happy.” And he wants to continue to be there with her through this double meaning. And wow. That’s,,,,pretty poetic.

Last note; I know that Shin even said or implied (I’m too lazy to go back to the direct quote) that he was like “bruh get over yourself, these are your powers now, get used to it” (which set Laito off I believe). And going in, I didn’t think I’d get much out of this duo in terms of development, but WOW, there’s a chock full of stuff. 

If you’ve made it this far, congrats! Holy crap I think this is longer than the Hilde analysis. 

Thanks for reading as always! -Corn

[spaceorphan18]

Marvel Movie Nights: Avengers Age of Ultron

Okay, I’ve been meaning to get back to these for a while now.  And a review of this film feels a little tricky.  Is this film good? I don’t... know.  I think it works as a --- season 2 finale of MCU the series --- but is really lacking as a stand alone film.  Either way, I find myself having a LOT to say about it, so strap in, cause this is going to be a long review. 

When this film first came out it did get a lot of mixed reviews, and a part of the reason is that it spends so much time setting things up for future events that it doesn’t have time to develop an interesting story itself.  And I think that’s fair.  But unlike the reviews of the time, I think the individual threads they’re pulling and setting up (I suppose Marvel Studios is “the network” creating interference in this case) is much more enjoyable than what Joss Whedon was creating.  

Apparently this film broke Joss Whedon, and while I don’t really like the guy, I can see how it would.  So let’s break it down! 

First, let’s talk about Ultron and the main plot of the film -- which is essentially AI going haywire and wanting to destroy the inferior human race.  And honestly, I’m a little meh on all of it.  While I think Ultron was a little too tongue-in-cheek, I don’t think a more serious version would have worked all that better either.  Maybe I’m just tired of the trope, I don’t know.  The whole thing is so arch, and while maybe so was Loki -- Loki had quite a bit of charm about him.  I don’t think there’s much about Ultron that I find enticing.  James Spader is fine -- I don’t necessarily blame the performance.  And there are some interesting things connecting to humanity going on here.  But nothing that hasn’t been better explored in other sci-fi movies.  

Oh, all the other arcs in this film.  The MCU truly is a TV show.  

Tony Stark.  I actually love a lot of the stuff going on with Tony here.  The god complex.  The fact that why he does what he does makes sense coming out of the previous films, and of course sets up nicely Civil War and the next two Avengers movies.  I think one of my favorite aspect of this film is just how much Tony screws up attempting to save the world and almost destroying it in the process.  I could talk a lot about it - but perhaps another time.  My one minor grievance (and not just related to Tony) is all the quips.  And I love quips and the lightness of Marvel.  But a majority of the humor in this film feels very forced -- I feel like Whedon was scrapping to find something funny and just throwing it on the page.  

Steve Rogers.  Cap feels incredibly stiff in this film.  And I think I’ve figured out why -- Whedon is trying to write him like the old, grizzled stiff guy of the comics.  And this younger and less black and white version of the character just doesn’t fit with how Whedon is trying to construct him.  The bubbling conflict with Tony setting up Civil War works, but that’s about it.  I will say -- his ending in Endgame is tied to his visions in this, and it’s important and interesting.  But more so in hindsight of analyzation, and less in enjoying the film.  

Thor.  I don’t think anyone knew what to do with Thor until Taika Waititi came along.  Most of his little side quest was cut, but even the deleted scenes don’t help what is mostly a mess of a story that doesn’t make much sense.  He is very pretty, though, and that is at least nice. 

Natasha Romanoff and Bruce Banner.  Oh my god -- maybe it’s just because I’ve been thinking about Black Widow more lately, but I pretty much hate everything they do with Nat in this film.  She is reduced to the ‘girl’ of the group, not wanting to play with the boys, feeling like she’s a monster because she can’t have children, being locked up by Ultron.  I just cannot.  I don’t mind the idea of her and Bruce hooking up, but it’s so poorly done, and her character is so badly mishandled, I wanted to scream about everything on this rewatch.  Meanwhile, Bruce is fine, but is lacking much to do -- even in his Hulk form.  

Clint Barton. On the flip side -- I actually like what they did with Clint here? I know some people hate it -- but I love the hidden little family thing.  I think Linda Cardellini did a lot with a little, and I did buy that whole little section of the film.  I also think this film does work in its quieter moments -- the party, the regrouping at Clint’s house, the stuff at the end.  I like when these films stop and allow these characters to be actual people.  Plus -- he got to have some nice fatherly moments with Wanda and Pietro.  Speaking of which... 

Wanda and Pietro Maximoff.  I think that Pietro was shortchanged  a little -- but Fox had already done a superior version, so I’m not surprised that they killed him off so easily.  Wanda is kind of fascinating.  Her character is developed much better in other places (especially her TV show), but there are a lot of elements here that lead to other things.  I do like that they start off as reluctant villains as they did in the comics.  And I find it fascinating that Wanda giving Tony the mind stone ultimately leads to Vision’s creation.  There are some unintentional fascinating things that happen on these set-up threads. 

The Vision.  I actually really like all of the Vision sequences in the film -- especially his final scene with Ultron.  There’s a lot about of this film I still don’t fully follow -- like the whys of how things happened.  But I do like Vision, and I’ll leave it simply at that.  

Nick Fury and Maria Hill.  As usual Maria Hill gets not much to do.  But I like Nick’s small role in this one.  It’s a shame that this is the last time we get to do much with them (even if we see them both again in various ways).  I wish we got some grounded follow-up on what happens with them.  Ah well.  

The production of the film is fine.  There are some good action sequences, and some even better quieter moments.  The film looks good as a whole.  I think it’s about a half hour too long -- and kind of like the first Avengers films, the overlong action sequences hurt it more than the script (imo).  But it does what it’s supposed to when concerning these large blockbuster movies, but I don’t think adds anything that new or profound.  

Final Verdict: It’s a film that has a lot of points to talk over and chew on, and while it works as a middle entry in the overarching MCU show, it’s lacking a lot as a movie.  

Next Up: A much smaller film -- Ant Man ;) 

[rpgsandbox]

Working alongside Skydance Television and the incredible team behind the hit Netflix TV series, we’re excited to immerse you in the neon-drenched cyberpunk sandbox of Altered Carbon with our official tabletop RPG.

In this transhumanist vision of the future, the human mind is nothing more than digital code – Digital Human Freight – saved and stored in a Cortical Stack, advanced technology that allows you to “re-sleeve” your entire consciousness into a new body. You can wear any body you can afford, transmit your mind across the cosmos in an instant, and, if you’ve got the credits and political cachet, you can re-sleeve time and again for centuries, accumulating enough wealth and power over the millennia to become the societal equivalent of an immortal god.

“Reality is so flexible these days, it’s hard to tell who’s disconnected from it and who isn’t. You might even say it’s a pointless distinction.”

Whereas character death is a natural occurrence and ever-present threat in tabletop RPGs, Altered Carbon: The Role Playing Game offers a unique angle on the concept. As opposed to creating a brand new character, players will have the opportunity to transfer their character’s consciousness, memories, and experiences into new Sleeves post-death… but at a cost.

Mind you, immortality is not invincibility. Losing a Sleeve is a life-altering setback, and “Real Death” awaits anyone whose Stack is destroyed. That being said, Sleeves introduce their own refreshing challenges to players and storytellers alike. Augmentations can instantly upgrade your athleticism, but a world-class surgeon in an unadjusted Sleeve can botch a basic procedure. The possibilities for characters and campaigns may change from one Sleeve to the next… making long-term gameplay more versatile, while empowering the story to steer character advancement at its own pace.

Bay City is divided into three major territories – the Ground, the Twilight, and the Aerium – each a world of its own; ruled by different kinds of people, playing games for different kinds of stakes.

The Ground: The underclass — known as “grounders” due to their inability to inhabit the skyscrapers as residents or personnel — continues to soar in numbers. Grounders are satiated with automated dispensed foodstuffs, public housing, and a neon-soaked parade of carnal pleasures. On paper, the features of the city seem almost Utopian, but the majority serves only as cheap labor for the vast bureaucracies of the Protectorate and the Meths whose own lives are glittering paradises in comparison to the empty, endless grind of the greater population.

The Twilight: A razor thin middle class serves as administration, managers, and highly skilled technicians to service the various technological marvels of society and its endlessly expansive bureaucracies. These skilled individuals are said to inhabit The Twilight, somewhere between the darkness of grounder society and the dazzling brightness of the high life of meth aristocracy. Most aren’t far removed from some criminal element, either by choice, close relation, or the occasional contractor through one of their shell corporations. You’ll scarcely find a programmer who hasn’t moonlighted as a “Dipper” at some point. Most dabble with decadence or crime (often the white-collar variety), if only to search for some form of existential purpose... The extra money doesn’t hurt either.

The Aerium: This network of skyscrapers is the domain of the meths exclusively. Their towers pierce the sky by several times in height the normal skyscrapers of Bay City. Each tower has the luxury of supporting a multitude of sprawling estates, all free and far above the need to see the rabble below, the unseen underclasses toiling under permanent cloud cover. Only specifically registered air vehicles and police aircars are permitted to fly anywhere near this complex. The much vaunted Suntouch House is part of this complex.

The core edition of Altered Carbon: The Role Playing Game takes place on Sol (Earth) in the year 2384. With the help of a gamemaster (GM), you and your friends can create your own stories and Sleeves in Bay City, the futuristic Californian metropolis that serves as the main setting of the first book and Season 1 of the Netflix series.

The human eye is a wonderful device. With a little effort, it can fail to see even the most glaring injustice.

Take control of police, military, technicians, artificial intelligence (A.I.), special operatives (CTAC), and even the influential elite of high society (Meths) as the core neo-noir themes of Altered Carbon promise endless sci-fi adventures:

Mystery — Solve the unfolding mystery. The gamemaster themselves may not even know who the culprit is at the beginning of the story!

Intrigue — Augments and re-sleeving don’t come without their own costs. Story-driven mechanics challenge players to balance their personal egos and baggage, influencing how players interact with one another and how their characters develop over time.

Action — An original game engine uniquely designed for the RPG, delivering a strategic yet dynamic zone-based combat system with exotic high-tech weaponry and streamlined options for more action-oriented gameplay!

Drama — The twisted reality of transhumanity enables players to create challenging stories, complex characters, and century-spanning epics, all which explore the darkest aspects of human nature that the value of life and fear of death once held in check. When murder is little more than extreme property damage, transhumanity is the perfect playground for noir storytelling that delves into the moral depths of our own humanity.

Working in tandem with Skydance Entertainment, we're able to provide a deeper dive into the world of Altered Carbon. As a result, we're expanding on elements of lore, and the colonized worlds that previously we unexplored until now!

https://drive.google.com/open?id=1Tee2_LgSiUPM4arGX6-IE5pIpre7Q0LF

                                     Click for a clean Character Sheet

The Core Rulebook contains everything gamemasters and players needs to play the game.

Building a Neo-Noir Narrative. Build an authentic noir experience with a multi-layered mystery that unravels over time. Plot twists, MacGuffins, red herrings, and informants all provide the ever-adjusting structure you need to bring mystery and intrigue to your players without the need to pre-plan every detail at the start.

Starting Adventures. Enjoy two complementary modules designed to teach you everything you need to know to run the game and teach players the Hazard System.

Creating a Character. Ready to jack in? Pick an archetype: Civilian, Socialite, Official, Criminal, Technician, or Soldier. Generate core attributes like Strength, Perception, Empathy, Willpower, Acuity, and Intelligence. Game elements like Stack Points, Health Points, Ego Points, and Influence Points help flesh out your characters and determine how they perform and progress through the story.

Baggage. Your time in Altered Carbon takes its toll, as damage to your ego builds up over the years… as do the ghosts of your past deeds from sleeve to sleeve.

Variant Characters. Explore a range of unique playable and non-playable characters such as artificial intelligence beings, envoy soldiers, and high-class meths.

Re-sleeving. The body is merely a shell, and death is not the final destination. Each Sleeve comes with its own strengths and shortcomings. An impossible task in one Sleeve may be child’s play in another. Meanwhile, your enemy could be wearing your friend’s sleeve, so use your intuition and ingenuity to observe the details, break through the obvious, seek out new solutions, and stay alive.

Tons of Traits. Tier-based Trait system allows you to easily build your own Archetypes or assign a set of unique abilities that complement one of our pre-set character builds, with plenty of crossover options so that no two Archetypes are really the same.

Wealth Level Based Economy. Rather than nickel & dime every transaction, players can acquire gear and supplies adjacent (or above — if they’re willing to risk greater consequences) to their Wealth Level in order to keep the focus on story momentum.

Technology & Equipment. Nemex, Shard Pistols, Portable AI Emitters, ONI Interfaces, Merge9; the Core Rulebook provides all the mechanics for purchasing, acquiring, and modifying a plethora of futuristic weapons, apparel, and gadgetry with an expansive list of customizations for nearly every item.

Expanding the Altered Carbon World. While the Core Rulebook focuses on Bay City and Season 1 of the series, we’ve got big plans with Skydance who is currently in production for Season 2, and we'll be working alongside them to discover more ways to explore the colonized worlds in future RPG supplements. In the meantime, fans can explore Osaka and other parts of Earth 2384 via our stretch goal modules listed below.

Altered Carbon: The Role Playing Game will employ the Hazard System – a brand new game system that finds inspiration in popular engines like the Cortex System, Savage Worlds, and Outbreak: Undead.. all while delivering unique gameplay specifically designed for this RPG.

SKILL DICE: Actions are done using an appropriate die type depending on your level of skill.

Which are rolled against a Target Result (TR) assigned by the GM or Scenario:

12+ - Trivial

10-11 - Easy

9-10 - Normal

7-8 - Tricky

5-6 - Challenging

3-4 - Complicated

0-2 - Nearly Impossible

With success determined by rolling EQUAL TO OR UNDER the Target Result. The difference between the result and the TR are the degrees of success/failure generated.

Natural (rolled) 1's are considered an “Ace” - and always succeed with a flourish.

Besides the basics of rolling equal to or under the Target Result, the Hazard System provides a list of easy-to-apply modifiers that will help to quickly and contextually flush out a scene.

Bonus Dice: Players can be awarded Bonus Dice, which can be of any Die Type. Bonus Die results can take the best results (serves as an advantage).

Luck Dice: When luck plays a factor on the outcome (for better or worse), Luck Dice of any Die Type may add to Skill Check Results. Even players with D4s as Skills may fail if luck turns against them. Luck can even displace Difficulty altogether in the right situation.

Example:

Christopher is trying going toe to toe with an off-world assassin in a synthetic Sleeve but decides the fight is a little outside of his league — so he wants to escape. He could simply dart away, in which the GM will ask him for an Athletics - 5 (challenging) roll. He has a D10 in athletics so its reasonable. Or he could use a chaff bomb, which will disrupt the synthetics sensors and maybe cover his tracks. That just requires a Throw - 10 (easy), and even with a D12 that shouldn't be a problem... shouldn't...

Since all dice can roll low, there is ALWAYS a chance of success.

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Kickstarter campaign ends: Wed, March 4 2020 6:03 AM UTC +00:00

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