#anomaly🐑🔪

[fictionkinfessions]

I haven't been in this kinshift in what feels like ages, Berdly Deltarune I feel so conflicted about being you.

It makes me cringe a little every time I remember how I behaved aha, I was weird about girls. I was like, gay. So I think I was overcompensating and convincing myself I was into whoever was providing emotional comfort; couldn't be normal about my only friend. I'm sorry about that Noelle, and I'm grateful you continued to be so kind to me anyway.

My memories are largely of what was "pre canon", but from the stuff that's actually in the game I mainly remember the Snowgrave route. I have flickers of more positive memories but idk what's going on with that. Dying isn't fun. Watching your only friend kill you isn't fun? But in a really fucked up sense it was a good moment for me, because seeing Noelle and Kris like that was a weird wake up call and for just one moment I was like "hey what the fuck. Are you hurting my friend?" and I was normal for one fucking minute.

Now, from an outside perspective, that kind of protective concern extends to Kris too. We were never close, but knowing that all of that was their body being hijacked must have been scary. I was never the kind of person to be empathetic and extend kindness to people like Noelle, which I admire her for, and I kinda wish I would have treated Kris better while I could.

Maybe I don't like feeling like myself because it makes me feel sad and a bit pathetic aha. It's nicer to be literally anyone else.

- #anomaly🐑🔪

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[fictionkinfessions]

I have npd + bpd so sometimes I'm really unreasonably and shitty and I worry that I'm being a bad person because like, eugh, I don't have that much empathy or care that much but I do want to be a decent guy right? And in those moments I remember my past lives, most of which were horrendous and I'm like no actually I think I'm good. Which is reassuring LOL. I'm not involved in world ending conspiracies and I'm not trying to kill innocent people because the government is shitty and I'm not a multiversal terrorist and even my relationships are what I'd consider healthy.

I guess I've always been kind of a shitty guy, always will be, but it's nice to know that I can choose to be "good" if I really try (and If I have slightly less awful circumstances). I don't necessarily regret most of what I did as various villains (or anti-heroes, I guess), because I do think most of my spirals were very justifiable and kinda inevitable without copious amounts of therapy, but I'm glad I'm not repeating any of it.

Wishing my fellow villain kins and fictives a wonderful day. You're doing good.

#anomaly🐑🔪

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[fictionkinfessions]

I cried thinking about you today, Ochaco. I wonder, sometimes, if you think about me too? In another life, they say, and then the other life comes and we're worlds apart.

In the end, I don't think I would have been good for you anyway. It's probably for the best

- Himiko ( #anomaly🐑🔪 )

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[fictionkinfessions]

I dreamt of Nightmare today.

I don't know if this is "just" me being psychotic, it might be. He was calling for me, though. I want so badly for it to be real. I want to go back, I want him to take me back.

I need you to save me again, Nightmare. Please, just one more time.

#anomaly🐑🔪

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[fictionkinfessions]

It's getting really cold where I am, and I'm shivering under my blanket as I'm typing this. I'm really upset, for some reason? I feel like I need to get it out.

I'm the Cross who was babbling about Nightmare and autumn earlier this month, though I don't usually sign off or use names because I often find it embarrassing in the moment. It's weird how infatuated with him I was in hindsight, or well, I still am infatuated. I truly miss him so so much. The cold reminds me of him. His manor was always chilly but it was never unpleasant, his presence was physically cold and scary but I always found the shiver down my spine he caused to be comforting.

It's not like I don't miss the others, I don't know why I'm so fixated on Nightmare. I miss Epic, I miss hanging out, I miss getting high and falling asleep in uncomfortable positions on his shitty couch and trauma dumping for no reason at 3AM and having something more than a friendship without ever having to say a word. I miss Killer, I miss his stupid face and mean nicknames, I miss his cheeky jabs and inappropriate and distasteful jokes and his awful high pitched voice and his loud shameless laughter and his refusal to commit to personal hygiene and the soft private moments where he would finally shut up and he'd lean against me and life would be good. I miss Dust, I miss his quiet companionship and his mean jokes and the warmth he emits like a heater because he's always overcharged and the feeling of his magic on me with healing intent and the way he drapes himself over you when he decides it's time to sleep and there's no better spot and silently reading next to each other in the library until he decides to nap. I miss Horror and his support and how understanding he is even though he loves to be mean, and how he takes care of everyone without wanting or expecting anything back and how big his hands are and how small I feel when he holds me. I miss manning the kitchen with him, I miss helping him in the garden, I miss fighting at his side and knowing with certainty that everything will be okay.

I miss them all a lot, but I still miss Nightmare the most. I don't think I loved him more than the others, but I think that maybe I loved him differently? In a way that's a little more obsessive, maybe, whatever it is it's harder to let go of him. I think it has to do with the fact that he wasn't "just" a person, he was everything. He was my purpose and my saviour and he was my home. He was literally my home. His manor moved and lived and breathed with him and he oversaw all of us and made sure we were safe and I didn't dream because all I had were night terrors so he just. Made it stop. I didn't dream because he touched my SOUL (metaphorically, in this context) even in my sleep and he was my entire existence and now he's gone and I'm nothing. And it hurts. And I'm so cold.

And the cold isn't comforting anymore. It clings to the flesh I hate having and it makes me sick and I'm shivering and there are no shadows keeping me safe. Just cold. The cold wants to harm me now and it's dreadful.

I know it's stupid and impossible and stuff, but I long so badly to go back. Even if just one for day, just so I could tell you how much I love you.

- Cross (I'm an introject/fictive) [#anomaly🐑🔪]

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[fictionkinfessions]

Life in this world is so boring, the most excitement I get is in the form of misery. I wish I could go back and watch the fairies dance in the nightsky, or impress my partner with silly little magic tricks, or maybe just watch over my friends while they sleep. They're the most magical and exciting people I ever got to meet anyway.

(#anomaly🐑🔪)

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[fictionkinfessions]

I miss my friends a lot, but our source is comparatively very old and there's so few kins or fictives (I know it's not at all the time, but our communities are often so close or people are in both, and I find myself taking comfort in talking to either one) I've only ever seen one sourcemate.

Sometimes I consider doing source calls or whatever, but I'm pretty anti social most of the time and have such massive anxiety that I feel like even if I had them there I wouldn't talk to them a lot. I'd be embarrassed about my interests in this life and the likes, I guess. I'm scared of rejection. I also just...still feel like I don't deserve to be treated kindly by any of them, I did so many bad things.

And oh, while my canon mostly aligns with that of the official media, the time-skip stuff certainly does not. I was not married to my friend and I certainly did not have several kids with her (I'm aroace? And gay.) On the contrary, there are friends of mine who got together that didn't get together in the series' canon. I don't know, I guess knowing that my canon might be drastically different than that of any sourcemates I might encounter makes the thought of talking to them even more intimidating. It doesn't help that we might even remember our names differently depending on whether that person is remembers the western localisation or not? It's all a bit confusing.

Maybe I'm just lonely and wallowing in it right now, it'll pass.

- Ken Ichijouji, Digimon Adventure (please tag as fictive) [#anomaly🐑🔪]

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[fictionkinfessions]

I remember dying, I remember fighting, I remember healing, lying, laughing, crying, and suddenly I remember being in love.

I'd forgotten I was in love.

Syb, if you're out there, do you still think of me?

- Zirk Vervain (#anomaly🐑🔪)

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[fictionkinfessions]

I wondered if in another life we could have been in love back then, now I'm in another life and I think we'd be even worse. I've had a comparatively "good" life and yet I'm still awful, your love is something I could never have no matter how much I yearn, no matter what life.

I think I found you though, in spirit I mean, someone who acts like you and makes me feel the same way. She's the sweetest girl I've ever met, and I've been with her since before realising I'm /me/ at all. She makes me miserable no matter how much I love her and I can tell I'm wearing her down — would I have worn you down back then as well? Am I unlovable? Are my demands too high and my emotions too big? Am I too selfish? I never thought of myself as selfish before, I thought I was justified and a victim and a poor little girl that everyone else hurts and no one treats properly or even tries to understand; maybe I'm just broken, though.

- a very sad Himiko Toga fictive haha

#anomaly🐑🔪

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[fictionkinfessions]

I've been confessing a lot here but also I've been remembering my friends a lot haha

Horror was so big but so aware of himself (for admittedly unsavoury reasons. Precisely cutting people apart and stuff but hey, he didn't like to be messy) so he tended to be really gentle. It made me stumble a bit every time he put his hand on my shoulder cause it was so heavy, but he always instinctively steadied me? And I helped him cook a lot, especially in the beginning where he was super overwhelmed by all the food. The utensils were always too small for his hands and he handled them with such care and precision. We had a chicken coop and even though he was so big and scary the chickens were never scared of him, and he handled them so so gently. Also the garden...he worked in our little vegetable garden a lot and he was just. Idk. I loved him a lot. He was really nice to me.

He was a scary guy, super dangerous and admittedly like, really mean to everyone but his family and friends. But Stars, he was sweet to me, so sweet. One time I cried and wandered into the kitchen at night and he was also there since we were both having bad nights apparently. He made stew and we sat outside eating and talking until morning and it was really nice, I felt safe with him.

So uh, Cross here, I miss you big guy (#anomaly🐑🔪)

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[fictionkinfessions]

C here, I still think about you a lot Ink

I don't like you, and I don't think I want things back the way they were because I can't quite trust you anymore, but I don't hate you as much as I claimed to — I never did. I was angry, I guess, and hurt, even though I knew damn well I was far from perfect myself. And it's not like I don't get it, if anyone knows what it's like to be manipulated by XGaster it's me haha. I was so resentful towards you even though you were my best friend before that and I loved you a lot, I think I just couldn't admit to myself that I don't actually hate you because I was with Nightmare. I needed to justify seriously fighting and hurting you in my head, y'know? And going "that's not your best friend, that's a spineless traitor" made it easier.

At the end of the day I don't think we could have become friends again, and I really didn't want to anyway. Setting all the hurt and betrayal aside it wouldn't have worked because I swore myself to Nightmare and I was fine with being a bad guy. I guess I'm a real shitty person, shittier than you since you let Dream and Blue convince you to try to be good while I decided that I just...don't care anymore. I gave up, so I guess I admire you for being stronger than me? I dunno. I took the easy way while you actually put work in to be good.

For what it's worth I forgave you a long time ago. We're not friends anymore, but I don't hate you, and for as much as I liked to insult you and call you a fake hero I knew deep down you're a much better guy than I ever was.

#anomaly🐑🔪

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[fictionkinfessions]

For the LGBT canons ask game

I'm an introject of Bede from Pokémon sh/sw and I was (still am) transmasc and queer. Yes my uniform literally had me decked out in trans pride colours, the old hag didn't know this. It's all a cruel (but funny) coincidence.

being a gym leader is being a public figure, especially in Galar. I wasn't super interested in being out publicly because well, I didn't feel like dealing with the weird queerphobic shitstorm. But then mr influencer (I'm talking about Raihan) did this whole big thing where he came out in June and it was surprisingly nice and uplifting and encouraged a bunch of other people to come out as well — there was hate too obviously, but responses were overwhelmingly positive so I figured I'd just tag along. I kind of just silently put the trans pride flag into my bio and allowed Hop to post pictures of us being arguably romantic. Our relationship was complicated but I won't get into that.

(Also, I won't pretend that Rose wasn't an exploitative asshole but he did buy me my first ever binder and part of me finds it really hard to hate him even now, idk. I don't think I could have started my transition without him, and he sucks and he used me but I'm grateful for that. kind of.)

#anomaly🐑🔪

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[fictionkinfessions]

Most things scare me because I have like. So much anxiety. But one of the things that scares me the most is getting deja-vu. It unsettles me so deeply, it makes me nervous, it's not uncommon for me to just suddenly get nauseous because I realise I've been here before.

I know it "logically" doesn't make sense but then how would we logically explain something beyond our control and understanding. Maybe this really has happened before, maybe I'm stuck all over again. It scares me so badly and no one I know irl will ever take me seriously. Other people who kin or are introjects from Undertale and AUs are usually understanding (though a reset is. Not the same as an overwrite) but that's internet people and they're all so far away.

I'm "just being delusional" but even if it's irrational my fear is so very real?? I wish anyone would take my fear seriously enough to have some compassion for me it just makes me feel so alone. I hate being alone.

- (Cross) #anomaly🐑🔪

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[fictionkinfessions]

After trying very desperately to ignore it for way too long I've kinfirmed Jace Stardiamond and I am. In shambles.

Which is guess I am most of the time, so nothing I can't handle. It is really off putting to acknowledge though, because these are some of the most clear (and unpleasant) kin memories I have and I just don't like thinking "oh yeah that happened to me. Oh yeah I did that shit." And that means something because most of my kins or characters I have introjects of or something in between are generally awful people who did bad stuff and had bad stuff done to them but this kind of takes the fucking cake. I think it bothers me so much because I remember a shit ton of non-canon shit so vividly. My brain just supplied all this unprompted. I remember the physical sensation of dying. All three times.

I remember Porter a little too well, also. Gods, Porter. What am I gonna fucking do with all these memories about Porter. The only thing that gets close to being this bad is how I remember Nightmare as Cross sans and not even THAT is this, like, explicit?? He choked me to death the first time and I remember how I felt. I remember waking up and him really looking at me for the first time and thinking to myself oh wow despite everything I never really was worth anything to you until now and woah would you look at that that's enough thinking about Porter these memories are. Bad.

#anomaly🐑🔪

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[fictionkinfessions]

I've been on this blog a lot lately oops, I guess it's because I can't talk about this with anyone else? I've got a more shameful admission to make

I remember that I was attracted to Henry. Like, really attractive to Henry. It actively got in the way of me being our party's physician and I'm still so very embarrassed about it. I didn't like him romantically! Not at all! But he was...nice to me. And older. And strong. And so gentle?? And someone made a joke that it's because of daddy issues and I hate it because they're RIGHT.

(Well he's not that old, he was in his thirties?? My brain does what it wants)

Henry did eventually notice. And he talked to me about it. And he was really cool about it because he is really cool and I love him a lot. But it was super embarrassing and I still get flustered about it. Don't develop crushes on your older friends because you're starved for any kind of parental approval haha! It'll save you a lot of pain.

My partner did end up making fun of me for this, which at the very least is a funny memory.

- Zirk Vervain (introject) (#anomaly🐑🔪)

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[fictionkinfessions]

For the mundane memories ask game

My friends snored really loudly, haha. Not only did I trance rather than sleep, I also only needed to properly rest for four hours. So I liked to tinker around while the others got their rest — I liked making sure they were safe too, of course. It was nice to just watch them breath and stuff. Maybe that's a trauma thing? I never thought about it much back then, I just was happy to watch them be alive.

But man, I remember the snoring so vividly. I found it so very irritating at first and it drove me mad! I learned to drown it out later, nowadays I almost miss it.

Oh, a second one is that in the mornings Fia or Henry would do my hair! They mostly just brushed it for me since I tended to be too tired to bother, but sometimes they would braid it and stuff. They were really gentle with it and I was surprised the first few times. When my mother did it it always hurt, so I had kind of been under the impression that it would always hurt if you don't do it yourself? But my friends were so always very sweet, I miss them a lot.

- a very nostalgic Zirk Vervain introject

(#anomaly🐑🔪)

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