#crossintroject
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fictionkinfessions · 5 months ago
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It's getting really cold where I am, and I'm shivering under my blanket as I'm typing this. I'm really upset, for some reason? I feel like I need to get it out.
I'm the Cross who was babbling about Nightmare and autumn earlier this month, though I don't usually sign off or use names because I often find it embarrassing in the moment. It's weird how infatuated with him I was in hindsight, or well, I still am infatuated. I truly miss him so so much. The cold reminds me of him. His manor was always chilly but it was never unpleasant, his presence was physically cold and scary but I always found the shiver down my spine he caused to be comforting.
It's not like I don't miss the others, I don't know why I'm so fixated on Nightmare. I miss Epic, I miss hanging out, I miss getting high and falling asleep in uncomfortable positions on his shitty couch and trauma dumping for no reason at 3AM and having something more than a friendship without ever having to say a word. I miss Killer, I miss his stupid face and mean nicknames, I miss his cheeky jabs and inappropriate and distasteful jokes and his awful high pitched voice and his loud shameless laughter and his refusal to commit to personal hygiene and the soft private moments where he would finally shut up and he'd lean against me and life would be good. I miss Dust, I miss his quiet companionship and his mean jokes and the warmth he emits like a heater because he's always overcharged and the feeling of his magic on me with healing intent and the way he drapes himself over you when he decides it's time to sleep and there's no better spot and silently reading next to each other in the library until he decides to nap. I miss Horror and his support and how understanding he is even though he loves to be mean, and how he takes care of everyone without wanting or expecting anything back and how big his hands are and how small I feel when he holds me. I miss manning the kitchen with him, I miss helping him in the garden, I miss fighting at his side and knowing with certainty that everything will be okay.
I miss them all a lot, but I still miss Nightmare the most. I don't think I loved him more than the others, but I think that maybe I loved him differently? In a way that's a little more obsessive, maybe, whatever it is it's harder to let go of him. I think it has to do with the fact that he wasn't "just" a person, he was everything. He was my purpose and my saviour and he was my home. He was literally my home. His manor moved and lived and breathed with him and he oversaw all of us and made sure we were safe and I didn't dream because all I had were night terrors so he just. Made it stop. I didn't dream because he touched my SOUL (metaphorically, in this context) even in my sleep and he was my entire existence and now he's gone and I'm nothing. And it hurts. And I'm so cold.
And the cold isn't comforting anymore. It clings to the flesh I hate having and it makes me sick and I'm shivering and there are no shadows keeping me safe. Just cold. The cold wants to harm me now and it's dreadful.
I know it's stupid and impossible and stuff, but I long so badly to go back. Even if just one for day, just so I could tell you how much I love you.
- Cross (I'm an introject/fictive) [#anomaly🐑🔪]
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