#ano point nito???

[inariyazaki]

Your lips were soft as winter, in your passion I was lost

#12 - SURPRISE !!

"Uy! Aga nyo ah!" Sugawara exclaimed in surprise, Kuroo's eyebrow's twitching in irritation, "Sabi kasi nito aagahan eh!" Kuroo says, pointing at Kageyama, Kageyama looks away with an embarrassed glareish expression. "San si n/n?" Asked Kageyama, Sugawara's eyebrows furrowed, "Kala ko sumama na kay Hoshiumi?" Sugawara asked, Hoshiumi, on the side, shakes his head, "paggising ko wala na sya, kala ko nagmeet up sya sainyo?" Hoshiumi asked, Kageyama's brows furrowed, "Text ko sya." Yaku says, pulling out his phone, and typing.

Seeing as Yaku's messages are of no avail, he raises an eyebrow and faces Sugawara, "Wala. Ayaw magseen din." Yaku says as he pockets his phone, Hinata tilts his head, "Check ko Twitter nya.. Never mind, wala din pala." Hinata says, sighing and his shoulders slumping. "Huh? So, ano, una na tayo ganon?" Kuroo asked, Sugawara and Hinata shrug in sync, "Siguro. Knowing Y/n, sasabihin nyan mauna tayo. So, I guess? Bilihan nalang natin ng dessert kung sakaling makita tayo." Sugawara says, Yaku nodded in agreement. "Agreed. Tara! Sabi daw ni Tendou may mga cake pops and they're like 100 yen more or less. Masarap naman din." Kuroo says with a shrug, turning around and walking in the festival grounds. "Hindi yata kayo maingay?" Akaashi says, looking at Hinata and Kageyama, "wow ha. Thanks." Hinata says in a deadpanned tone and blank expression, "Just saying. Usually, both of you would quarrel first thing you two look at each other." Akaashi says with a shrug, and following behind Bokuto.

"Guys! Nag text si n/n, pagpasok daw natin sa gym, may reserved seats na daw tayo!" Exclaimed Yaku, Sugawara, with a smile, gave him a thumbs up and a smile. "Noted!" Hinata says with a smile, practically skipping to the gym.

Synopsis : Wherein Shoyo fucked his own hand writing up and made Koushi his roommate instead of Y/n.

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[lilithaban]

an art

pairings: taeyong x oc

— filot settings

🖋️: fluff, smut!

warnings: mature content, profanites, 🔞, unprotected sex

dni minors!

RAW AND UNEDITED!

posted: february 03, 2023

happy reading!

---------------------------------------------------------------------

“Babe doon oh picturan kita!”

Agad ako pumwesto sa tinuro ni taeyong at nagpost. Kung nakakapunit lang ang ngiti siguro kanina pa napunit itong sakin. This has been one of my favorite days since me and taeyong hasn't seen each other for two weeks because pf work and hectic schedule. So we’re lucky enough to find this perfect time.

“You look so gorgeous, i love you”

Halos mangamatis na siguro ang mukha ko sa sinabi niya dahil malakas ang pagkakasabi niya nito. Kaya naman hinampas ko siya sa braso. “Magtigil ka nga! may nakakarinig”

He pouted “Where’s my I love–” hindi na nito natulot ang sinasabi niya dahil mabilis ko siyang hinalikan sa pisngi.

“I-i love you too” mahina kong bulong

Niyakap ko siya’t sumiksik sa kanyang dibdib. Ramdam ko naman ang pagtawa nito at gumanti ng yakap.

-

Kasalukuyan kayong nasa isang basilica kung saan open for tourist at sa mga nais maghayad ng dasal. Kinukuhan mo ng litrato si taeyong kaya’t hindi matanggal ngiti mo sa labi.

Noong hindi pa naman kayo ni wala kang maramdaman na katiting para kay Taeyong syempre nga nagkalilala lang kayo dahil sa kaibigan mo na kaibigan niya rin pala at dumalas na yung night out mo with your friends nung college at tadhana nga naman, paulit-ulit kayong pinagkikita. Hanggang sa magkayayaan kayong lumabas para mag coffee at napapadalas na rin ang paglabaa mo kasama siya.

Kaya one time hindi ka makapaniwala na magconfess sayo si Taeyong.

Oo si Lee Taeyong

Nung una hindi ka pa makapaniwala dahil maraming nagkakagusto rito na di hamak na maganda pa sayo pero sayo pa rin siya nahulog. Iniwasan mo siya ng halos isang buwan pero sa mga oras na yon dyan mo lang din narealize na hinahanap-hanap na siya ng loob mo, naninibago ka kapag hindi mo siya kasama.

And truth to be told,

he fell first but you fall harder

“Ano pinagdasal mo babe?” nakangiting tanong nito sayo habang nakain ng corndog sa labas ng basilica.

“Hmm secret”

“Ako alam mo ba?”

Napailing lang ako at hinihintay ang sagot niya.

“Sana hindi na bawiin ni lord to sakin, baka hindi ko kayanin kapag nawala ka pa sakin.”

“Na kahit hindi tayo itadhana ng diyos ako ang gagawa ng paraan, gagawin ko ang lahat. Makikialam ako sa plano ni kupido para lang ikaw at ako ang matagpo. Kahit pa sa susunod na buhay ikaw lang nais kong piliin,”

Nakaramdam ka ni kirot sa puso. Luha’y nagbabadya. Nanginginig kang lumapit sa'yong nobyo at hinapit ito para sa isang mainit na yakap.

Umiyak ka rito habang marahang hinahampaa ang dibdib. “Nakakainis ka naman!” naiiyak mong sinabi

“Bakit naman? wala naman akong ginawa ah!” kahit pa tunog nang-aasar to ay mahigipit pa rin itong niyayakap ka pabalik at hinihimas ang likod pa.

“B-bakit mo naman sinabi iyon sakin! h-halos hindi na kayanin ng puso ko yung saya at galak”

“It's true though. I’ll meddle in cupid’s plan and do the gods work. I’m inlove with you, so damn much”

“And I think I can’t get out of this love trap. Because I’m going to make this my home. I’m so inlove with you to the point that I don’t wanna be save”

“I love you so much, baby.”

“Can you marry me?”

—

“Hmm oh my god! yes please right there!”

Hindi mo alam kung paano kayo nahantong dito. Kanina lang parang halos mawalan ka na ng hininga sa mga sinabi ni taeyong sayo. At lalo na dahil nag propose to sayo out of nowhere.

“Did I fuck that hole so good baby?”

Kung kanina sobramg gaan at soft ni taeyong sa mga sinasabi niya sayo aa basilica, ngayon ganun pa rin naman pero may halo na gigil at sarap.

Naghahabol ka pa ng hininga nang biglang umibabaw to sayo at halikan ka. Napaangat ka naman dahil naramdaman mo ang pagpasok ng ari nito sa loob mo.

Pasensya na lord hindi ko po kinaya yung tukso

Napapikit ka na lang sa sarap at nagpapakawala na lamang ng mga halinghing na tila musika sa pandinig ng nobyo mo. Napadaing ka pa lalo dahil natatamaan na nito ang g spot mo.

“F-uck oh my god!”

Sunod-sunod na mura at ungol mo dahil bumibilis na lalo ang pagbayo sayo ng nobyo mo. Para kang mababaliw sa sobrang sarap na hatid nito sayo.

“T-aeyong lalabasan na ako,”

“Hmm aa-aah shit this feels so good fuck. sabay tayo baby”

Ilang bayo na lamang ay nilabasan na kayo parehas. Ramdam mo na pinuno nito ang ari mo. Yumakap siya sayo at hinalikan ka. Nakapasok pa rin ang ari nito sa loob mo kaya ramdam mo pa rin na matigas at matayog pa rin ito.

“I love you so much, baby. I can’t to see you at the church wearing white dress”

Tumango ka lamang dito at hinalikan ang mukha nito.

“Mmhhmm pwedeng isa pa?”

[robbiemd]

Log #391

Ang toxic nitong consultant ko. Hirap talaga kapag surgical ka tapos ‘yung jowa mo medical. Minsan pag-aawayan niyo talaga ‘yung management ng pasyente.

Gumaganti ‘to kasi pinalo ko ng needle holder ‘yung retractor n’ya nung nag-aasist s’ya sa OR ko. Hahaha.

IM: Bakit n’yo pinakialaman ‘yung hydration nito? Aware ba kayo na mababa EF ng patient na ‘yan? Ano pang point na nirefer n’yo sa amin kung papakialaman n’yo lang din management namin?

Surgery: Post-sigmoidectomy kasi. We’re preventing 3rd space losses. Kung mag-congest, problema n’yo na yan.

*sabay suntukan

14 May 2023 6:12 PM Puerto Princesa, Philippines

[nice2meetyouu]

Kain ako nang kain ng unhealthy recently. Hahaha. Hormones yarn o topak lang?

Naiistress ako. Walang makausap. Pero naisip ko rin na kaysa magdrama, mag-aral na lang. Andaming struggles sa work. Pero totoo rin naman. Ang lahat ay para sa pera. Bonus na lang if naeenjoy ang ginagawa.

I just feel stuck and naiisip ko, in 5 yrs, would I be happy? By then, junior consultant na 'yung karamihan sa batchmates ko, and though title-wise alam kong hindi ako maiinggit, sahod-wise magiging okay ba ako? I worked so hard to get here pero bakit parang wala namang pakinabang 'yung pinaghirapan na 'yun? It's an uphill battle until the end.

Sabi ng iba, "Buti ka nga, [ganyan]." Pansin ko, nakikita lang talaga ng ibang tao 'yung success. Well, at least, may nakikita silang maganda sa kalagayan ko. Pero hindi nila nakikita 'yung struggle sa isip ko, 'yung hours and hours of research at preparation sa mga ginagawa ko, 'yung moments of failure...

So ano bang point nito? Wala, gusto ko lang maging stable, payapa, at masaya.

[thesecoldfeet]

sobrang random nito pero dati naalala ko, hindi naman ako bulag all along, grabe lang din talaga ako magtiwala sa mga tao and i'm not the type of person na madali ma insecure or mag selos. one time i was talking to a friend and told her how someone told me na selosa ako and she was like "huh???? ikaw? selosa? tigilan mo ako. wala sa character mo ang pagiging selosa. magtigil ka." na ang pagkakakilala niya sakin, never ako nagccallout at kung mangyari man yon, ibig lang sabihin non eh dapat ka ng ma flag kasi cinallout kita dahil may ginagawa/ginawa kang mali.

fast forward, may pinag-uusapan kami ng ka work ko tapos sabi ko kaya ako confident of things kasi kakampi ko yung universe talaga. kusang lumalapit sakin yung mga bagay without me looking for it. i mean, hindi ako ready sa mga pasabog ng universe pero talagang wala kang maitatago sakin kasi nagawa siya ng paraan para malaman ko lahat in general. at that time, meron na akong doubts na something's wrong with my relationship talaga so i always think of the worst case scenario. sabi nga ng ex ko dati, minsan ang scary na kasi even yung mga hinala ko, wala talagang palya halos. siguro sa 10 na hinala ko, 9 don yung tama. kaya kapag tinanong kita, wala ka ng isasagot kundi oo kasi alam ko nga lahat hahahahahahahahaha

na flag ako one time sa "friend" ng first relationship ko sabi ko sa kanya tingin ko may gusto yon sa kanya tapos siya naman as a dense person, hindi naniniwala. years later, we found out na meron pala talaga nahihiya lang magsabi kasi alam niya na wala siyang chance dahil in a relationship nga yung ex ko non.

so ano na namang point ko? wala talagang lihim na hindi nabubunyag esp if you're a genuine person. it will take a while pero the universe will always, always find its way for you to find out. this involves all types of relationship.

it will always hurt and you will never be the same person once you found out that someone is betraying you but trust that the universe has it's plans. and time talaga is the ultimate truth-teller.

[ontowanderlust]

Of Part time Jobs and Hidden Feelings

SYPNOSIS. You'd think that with all those part time jobs, she'd be used to making her feelings be part time too. Alternatively, she who jumps from one part time job onto another, she should include hiding her feelings into that roster as well.

PROMPT. Can feelings be part time too?

TROPES. S2F2L. “She fell first, he fell harder”

WC. 3k words. (Super haba kasi if isahang post so hehe)

WARNINGS. Use of profanities. Lots of them. Sorry guys. Masyado pong pasmado ang bibig ko kaya nadala sa fanfics.

TAGS. Part-timers; Alternating point of views;

NOTES. I’ve always always wanted to write this prompt kasi matagal na siyang stuck sa utak ko. Like siguro months din ang duration ng stay nito sa utak ko omg. This was supposed to be a spin off story from my commissioned piece kaya lang I thought na it’s best to leave it be and just branch this out as something else. Hence, being a svt fanfic.

MORE NOTES. This is a mixture of smau and written fic pero mas prominent yung written. And since this is a mix of different perspectives, point oh's are Jeon's point of view. And originally, I planned on posting this as one shot kaya lang super haba na niya and I fear that sa sobrang haba, pati kayo mawalan ng gana in the middle of it so chop natin into parts. Wag na rin kayong umasa na tapos na siya kasi to be honest, ang tagal na nito sa drafts ko and ngayon ko lang naisipang i-drop dito. Don't worry naman, tinutuloy ko siya... kapag may time and energy ako. Kaya lang super tagal na kahit ako, di alam kung kailan ko matatapos. lmao.

🏷️: @moonwonuu

One.

“Talagang ginawa mo, oh my god,” she could hear the awe behind Seokmin’s voice as he stared at her as if she’s some sort of mirage, absentmindedly placing the cups of ramyeon on top of the counter to which she began to scan through the machine.

“You know very well that I don’t say things without the intent of pushing through, Min-ah,” she grunted, giving him a pointed look as he continued to stare at her before snapping out of his trance as he took out his phone- no doubt to tell everyone in their group about his latest discovery, earning an eye roll from her.

True to her guess, her phone pinged with notifications followed by another consecutive pings- much to her exasperation. Di ba uso ang tulog sa tropa niya? (Spoiler alert: hindi.)

“Onga,” Seokmin agreed, nodding his head as he locked his phone, flashing her a sheepish smile. “Pero kasi naman, Riri, why would you apply for a job when you have no need for it?” He asked just as her co-worker made his way out of the break room, pausing in his tracks when he saw her with a customer. She watched him made eye contact with her before making his way towards the furthest aisle from where she were. Wow.

“Okay, I’ll ask this with much love and sincerity- nabubuang ka na ba?” Seokmin’s voice brought her attention back to him. “Maiintindihan ko pa kung gipit tayo sa cash at mahigit ang pangangailangan natin sa buhay kasi kailangan mong bumuhay ng tatlong anak pero di ba ikaw yung palamunin nina kuya Cheol?”

‘We don’t hit customers,’ she chanted in her head as she flashed him her award wining customer service smile, ignoring the small cough that came from the aisle where her co-worker had disappeared to. Ah, really. Of all times her friend managed to discover where she worked, it was the time where her co-worker had just clocked in. ‘We don’t hit customers no matter how hittable their faces are.’

“Kuya ko ba yun?” she deadpanned, crossing her arms as he shrugged, leaning against the counter.

“Hindi,” his cheshire grin makes her want to really deck him this time. “Kaso di ba palamunin na nun si kuya Han? So like, by extension, it applies na rin sayo? So ano to, nagbabagong buhay ka na ba at gusto mo nang bayaran si kuya sa lahat ng ginastos nya sainyong magkapatid?”

“Gusto mo pa bang makalabas dito nang buhay, Lee Seokmin?” She asked, hoping for her smile to be as menacing as her brother’s, feeling a small satisfaction when her friend let out a squeak before nodding his head furiously, fingers miming a zipper motion on his mouth. “Si kuya Han lang yung palamunin nun, huy. Tsaka didn't we talk about this? Learning experience ‘to for me para ma-hone pa yung mga skills ko.”

He raised an eyebrow, looking at her suspiciously. “What skills?”

“Social skills, what else?” She shrugged as she watched Seokmin gave her an incredulous look before turning around to peek at the aisle where her co-worker had disappeared to before turning back to her.

‘You call that socializing?’ the disbelief in his face looked palpable and if she didn't know any better, he would've scoffed out loud if it weren't for her looming threat. Takot lang ni Seokmin sa kanya, eh.

Pushing the plastic bag filled with his items, she nodded sagely, flashing him her best customer smile before jerking her head to signal that she's forcing him to leave. ‘Yes. Now get lost, dummy.’

Her friend's eyes narrowed at her while she glared back, daring him to continue. A minute passed before her friend backed down, shaking his head, reaching down to pay for his items.

Once he had collected his change, he raised the hand holding the plastic bag as he turned to leave the premises. “Eto na, sabi ko nga aalis na po ako, mahal na reyna,” he bid her as she scrunched her nose at how loud his voice being at what, two in the morning? “Matulog ka after ng shift mo, ah?”

When she’s sure he had left, she took out her phone, curiously checking for what he had sent in their group chat. Shaking her head, she narrowed her eyes as she typed in her reply, wondering how on earth did Seokmin took the picture without her knowing.

Fighting the urge to huff, she pocketed her phone as her face began to scrunch. Really, what’s so surprising in her taking up a part time job anyway?

Marami namang students ang gumagawa nito so bakit siya hindi pwede, di ba? And hindi naman siya ganun ka-entitled, right? Or siguro kasi not many would get a job just because they have trouble sleeping during the night? Or siguro… not many would get a part time job on a whim.

Ah well. Not many would want the graveyard shift anyway. In fact, when she had applied for this job, the manager looked like he would fall over in relief when she said she’s okay with taking the graveyard shift.

And so, for the first few days of working, she found herself finally enjoying the solitude of the night as she’s being productive instead of wallowing in her own thoughts.

That is, until her manager introduced her new co-worker, Jeon Wonwoo.

Subconsciously, her eyes wandered towards the aisle where he had hid himself only for her eyes to dart back to the monitor screen she was staring earlier when she saw him finally emerge from the said aisle before going towards the next aisle which happened to be where the beverages are.

‘Ang awkward,’ fighting the urge to groan out loud, her fingers kept on tapping on the counter as her eyes kept on darting from the monitor screen to her co-worker’s back who had busied himself by restocking the same items she had “stocked” hours prior. ‘Luh, gaya gaya?’ She bit the urge to voice out.

While she was grateful for the company he provided, (he doesn’t really have a choice in that matter anyway) it felt as if the guy didn’t like her- not even for a tiny bit. (Why else would he ignore and avoid her?) She watched him as he moved from the beverages towards the canned goods aisle with curiosity lingering in her eyes.

It’s not like her to take offense- hell, she doesn’t really care if people liked her or not. But for someone who doesn’t know her, it made her curious as to what she did for him to immediately dislike her upon first meeting especially since she had always been enamored of him the first time she saw him and that was what? Freshman week?

Bitterly smiling to herself, she shook her head as she threw him one last glance, tilting her head when she saw him turn his head slightly. The action had been minuscule but when your older brother goes by the name Yoon Jeonghan, one couldn’t help but become vigilant especially with subtle gestures.

Deciding it was nothing, she turned her attention back to the counter to see if it needed cleaning- for the nth time that night- early morning? ‘Lord, baka naman.’ She let out a small sigh. ‘Wala bang pa-divine intervention diyan? Mukhang mapu-pudpod na rin yung kamay niya kakapunas nung de-lata oh.’

“Uhm,” her reverie broke when she heard someone clearing their throat followed by a smooth baritone voice. If she didn’t have any self control, she would’ve shivered right there and then. “Gusto mo ba ako naman dyan sa cashier?”

Turning to look at him, she could feel her eyebrows furrowing. Has there been an instance where he was the first to approach her? “Kung gusto mo lang naman,” he was quick to add, no doubt noticing the look on her face. “Cause kanina ka pa rin naman nakatayo diyan.”

“Yeah, no, sure,” she blurted out, shaking her head as her eyes widened- was that a flash of amusement in his eyes? And was that an upturn of his mouth? The change in him was quick before she could even dwell on it. It’s as if… it never happened at all.

“Was that a yes or a no?”

‘Uhm, Lord? Ito na ba ang divine intervention mo?’ Wordlessly, she stepped out of the counter to make way for him, silently berating herself as she made her way towards the beverage area yet again, not noticing the way his gaze followed her for a moment before settling behind the counter.

Should she say something to keep the conversation going? But the time for her to reply had passed so should she create another opening for him to talk? Staring at the grapefruit flavored yogurt in front of her, she had came into conclusion, ‘Mukhang nabubuang na nga ako,’

Right? Who in their right mind would overthink as simple as starting the conversation? One with their co-worker as well? It’s like a simple decision, you want to talk or you don’t. There’s no in between- and oh god, is she channeling her inner Woozi?

Just before her thoughts could even spiral further, her train of thoughts- for the nth time that night- had been broken by the sounds of desperate running, making her and her companion turn their heads towards the door only to see masked men making their way into their convenience store.

‘Lord, alam ko humihingi ako ng divine intervention pero mukhang napasobra naman po ata?’ She could feel a headache incoming as she turned to look at her companion who had already had his arms raised. ‘Hala siya. Pinalaki ka bang duwag ng mga magulang mo, Jeon?’

Before she could even comprehend it, she could feel her hand reaching behind her as she grasped on what felt like a cup of yogurt- perhaps the same one she had been glaring at earlier, throwing it as hard as she can towards one of the robbers, hitting him squarely on the head, much to Jeon- and the two masked men's shock.

Did she just-

Earning their attention, she didn’t think twice before throwing whatever she could reach behind her as the robbers advanced towards her, making her spring into action- throwing herself at one of the men, hitting him with the can of soda her hand last took from the fridge.

“Yoon Rianne-”

“Get help!” She gave her a pointed look as she tightened her hold on the masked man while she swung her can over the other man. “Tawagan mo pulis or kung sino man, I don't care just- get. fucking. help!” she grunted as she threw all her weight, shaking the can on her hand as she quickly opened it, spraying liquid onto the other man she had been fending off her.

From her periphery, she could see the hesitation running behind his eyes before reaching for his phone while she gave her all to distract the two guys. She could almost feel the gears on his head turning as he watched her worriedly, already knowing what goes on with his mind- number one being, what the actual fuck?

Honestly? Di rin niya alam bakit niya yun ginawa. Was it because of reflexes? Years of being the subject of her kuya’s pranks when they were kids? A product of her hyperfixation of learning eskrima? Whatever it is, it doesn’t matter. And since nangyari naman na, might as well go hard right? After all, di siya pinalaking duwag ng kuya niya.

She didn’t know how long she had been holding on to the guy but when she felt the weight from the other man becoming lighter, she sharply turned her head only to see Jeon beginning to follow her actions but before he could even do something, she watched in horror as he slipped on the liquid that had spilled from the soda she had been brandishing earlier.

Lurching forward, she reached for his outstretched hand, trying to catch him. She would’ve successfully saved him from falling if it weren’t for the fact that she was still on the masked man’s back as she attempted to help her co-worker and in doing so, her balance shifted that the sudden force had brought the man down with her, crashing into a pile of entangled limbs- her face jerking backwards as one fist came contact with her eye while she might have kicked someone- judging from the pained groan- to somewhere the sun doesn’t shine.

She would’ve done more- if it weren’t for the sound of keys dropping on the floor followed by a shriek from none other than their store manager. “What the fuck?”

Swallowing a groan as she threw her head back in exasperation, she couldn’t help but bitterly think, ‘Jeon, ang sabi ko tawagan yung pulis. Hindi yung manager.’

“You do realize that I’m letting you both off easily right?” Their manager looked at them with a mixture of pity, annoyance, and amusement as she looked up from her phone, struggling to lock it with one hand as the other was busy with placing an ice pack over her now bruised eye. “What, with the damage done to my store rather than yung perang dapat nanakawin sana ng mga yun?”

She blinked, looking at their manager blankly for a bit before turning to her co-worker who’s now rocking that yellow pikachu band aid on the bridge of his nose then staring back at their manager, wincing when she removed the ice pack from her eye. “Ah but Jeon didn’t really-”

“-realize na yung drinks na tinapon namin were expensive,” he spoke up making her turn to him, raising an eyebrow while he ignored her stare and simply looked back at their manager who looked just as surprised as her.

Huh.

She knew for a fact that the manager had reviewed the CCTV footage of the encounter earlier and while Jeon had been hurt during the fight where he was just pulling the other man off of her, he had not taken part of the said fight. So why on earth was he being let off?

And more importantly, why is he not saying anything about it?

The manager's exasperated sigh had her attention being brought back to the situation.

Seeing the manager shake his head, her heart dropped. "As compensation for protecting my store, l'll give you guys a severance pay and sasagutin ko na rin yung gastos niyo dito," he told them, sympathy evident behind his eyes. "However, since may damage yung store, I'm afraid your severance pay will have to cover the dues."

Letting out a small resigned sigh, they both nodded as their faces fell, the manager giving them gentle pats on their shoulder before leaving them as silence befell them.

Hyperaware of the coldness of the ice pack, she placed it on her lap as she closed and opened her fist to shake off the cold sensation before reaching for her phone.

“You shouldn’t stop applying cold pack on your bruise,” her companion cleared his throat giving her the excuse to study him intently the first time that night. “It will get worse and painful if you stopped.” He explained as she mutely nodded, placing the ice pack back on her eyes, jumping slightly at the combined cold and painful sensation.

Silence engulfed them once more, making her fidget on her seat. “Sorry I got you fired,” she mumbled, closely monitoring his reaction, tilting her head as she heard him hum in acknowledgment. “I don’t know why you did that but I could still run after him-”

“Sorry I couldn’t help you earlier,” he cut her off, offering his own apology, hands fidgeting on a small object she couldn't recognize. “It’s not an excuse but when I saw those men, I just…froze.”

“Understandable,” she shrugged, silently accepting his apology. “Mabilis lang reaction time ko kasi si kuya.” She didn’t know why she’s explaining but she felt like she had to or else she might be known in Jeon Wonwoo’s memory as that crazy beverage throwing girl from the convenience store.

Blinking, she may had forgotten that this was the first time they had interacted so she didn't know if he knew who her brother was. Back pedaling, she cleared her throat. “Uh I mean si kuya Jeonghan yung-”

“I know,” the small reassuring smile on him had her pausing for a moment before snapping herself out of her stupor. “Next time I’ll do better. I won't let you handle them alone.”

“Ah. So gusto mo uli manakawan?” she raised an eyebrow at him, wincing when she realized that she moved her bruised eye, earning a look of concern from him to which she waved dismissably at.

“No,” he shook his head when he's sure that she's alright. “I mean I’ll train my reaction time. Next time mas mabilis na ako magreact kesa sayo. Para di na ikaw yung manunugod bigla bigla.”

Trying to fight the smile threatening to come out. Is he really this… endearing? “Geh, sabi mo eh.”

It looked like he wanted to say more if it weren’t for the familiar sound of Seokmin’s voice from a distance. Inwardly cringing, she couldn't help but think if it's really a good idea to ask for her friends to pick her up rather than her brother.

“Ay talaga naman, Seokmin,” she wanted to facepalm earning a fond shake of Jeon’s head.

Deciding that was his cue, he stood up, pausing for a moment as if he was contemplating on something before nodding his head as he took her hand, placing the object he was playing with earlier on top of her phone.

“Wag ka muna manunugod ah? Get well soon,” he mumbled her name as he walked off while she was left to stare at his retreating back.

Looking down, she let out a small fond scoff as she inspected the grapefruit flavored yogurt cup. Did he really think…? Cute.

Despite her hesitation, she removed the lid and scooped a mouthful before grimacing- a sight that greeted her friends as they came to collect her.

She doesn't like grapefruits and yet, this yogurt may be her favorite out of all.

[saintdery]

make it right

an excerpt from a nomin filo au idk when i'll post.

jero is jn. niko is jm.

noong hiniling ni jero na hayaan muna siya ni niko na tapusin ang graduation niya bago sila mag-usap, hindi naman niya akalaing sa mismong pagkatapos ng graduation ceremony ito mangyayari.

coz there a few meters away from him, stood niko with an unsure smile and frantic eyes. and amidst the loud cheers of his fellow batchmates, his heartbeats come ringing in his ears. everything around him sounds muffled at this point. na pati ang tawag ng sariling ina ay hindi na marinig. walang ibang pumapasok sa isip kundi galit—kalahati para kay niko at kalahati para sa sarili.

for how can he still immediately find him in a room full of people? the very person that did him wrong—he found his face so fast in that crowd. hindi dapat gano'n, jero. hindi na dapat gano'n.

"...'nak." from the muffled voices, everything sounded clear for him again. as if on a cue, nilingon niya ang ina na kanina pa pala nasa kaniyang gilid.

"pinagpaalam ka sa'kin niyan ni niko kagabi. kausapin mo na." mabibilang sa kamay ang mga pagkakataon na ayaw ni jero sa ugali ng nanay niyang sobrang lenient. isama mo na ang ngayon kasi bakit kung kailan ayaw naman niya kausapin ang kababata, ay siya namang pag-uudyok nito? sinaktan ako nung tao, mama.

"kilala kita. kapag hindi mo pa kinausap ngayon, baka hindi mo na 'yan kausapin ulit." kasabay ng litanya ng ina ang pagtanggal nito ng kaniyang suot na toga.

"pray for me?" he anxiously asked his mother, palms getting clammy every second that passes. natawa na lang ina sa hitsura ng anak.

"ipag novena pa kita," pilya naman nitong sagot. ngumiti lang ito at marahan siyang tinulak palapit sa lalaking ayaw niya naman talagang makita. kaso ika nga eh, ano pa bang magagawa ko? eh nandito na?

isang beses pang lumingon si jero sa mama niya, pero ang paalis na pigura na nito ang naabutan.

"hi," bati sa kaniya ni niko nang sila ay magkaharap. bags under his eyes are so evident, he would've asked him if he's okay right there and then. kaso changed person na pala siya ngayon. pinangako sa sarili na siya muna bago ang iba. because for the longest time, palagi na lang si niko.

"i asked tita mila to cook spaghetti for you. tara?" tita mila's kainan has been jero's refuge for the entirety of his high school and college life. she witnessed the times where he broke down because of acads, the times when org life has been stressing him out. even the times he's falling for niko and no one knows but her.

nakita rin nito kung paano siya malugmok noong isang araw na pumunta siya sa kainan nito at wala nang niko na kasama. at kahit noong sinabi niya rito ang nangyari, she was still understanding. still rooted for them kahit parang ang imposible nang maibalik. jero saw how happy she became when niko finally came back. only to leave again. and came back for the second time. who knows if this time, niko's gonna stay? jero doesn't wanna break her heart.

the atmosphere inside their school was festive. a celebration for finishing their degrees and overcoming their sleepless nights. but as they walked through the back gate of their school, the silence started to creep in. it's seeping inside jero's bones he almost felt uncomfortable. if not for the constant chant inside his head saying that it's niko he's with, he would've run.

kasi hindi niya alam kung masasabi pa niyang kilala niya ang kasama. niko, hindi na kita kilala.

a smiling tita mila welcomed them as they arrived in her homey eatery. she's closed for the day because of niko's special request. tahimik siyang niyakap ng tita mila, congratulating him for his graduation.

"nagluto ako ng paborito mo. kumain ka mabuti, ha?" and indeed, in a table near them, nakahain ang paborito niyang spaghetti at fried chicken.

nagpaalam na papasok sa mismong bahay ang tita mila kaya naiwan sila ni niko muli. magkaharap sila sa hapag pero walang gustong maunang magsalita.

dahil hindi nakayanan ang awkwardness, sumandok siya ng pagkain sa pinggan at sinimulang tikman ito. tasting the sweet sauce almost made jero cry. kung bakit naman kasi maski paborito niyang pagkain ay associated sa lalaking kaharap, hindi niya rin alam.

"jero…" napatigil siya nang magsalita si niko. it was so faint it almost sounded like a whisper.

"kung mag-sosorry ka lang ulit for leaving again like the last time, save it." tinuloy niya ang pag kain na para bang walang nangyari. nakita niya kung paanong kumuyom ang kamay ng kaharap na nakapatong sa lamesa.

"jero, please… hear me out." it didn't take that long for jero to lose his patience. padabog niyang binagsak sa lamesa ang tinidor na hawak. niko flinched at the sudden action at para bang iiyak ito ano mang oras.

"ano bang gusto mo?!" pasigaw na niyang sabi. para bang lahat ng inis at lungkot na naramdaman ay ngayon lang nailalabas.

"gusto kong bumalik ulit sa buhay mo." pagak na natawa si jero sa sinabi nito. lalong naiinis sa kapal ng mukha ng kaharap. kasi bakit parang gano'n lang kadali lang lahat? na isang sabi lang, tanggap na niya ulit?

"ganiyan ba kababa ang tingin mo sa nararamdaman ko?" halos mabasag ang boses niya nang sumagot. he saw how niko's shoulder shook, and indication that the latter is crying. kumpara naman kasi sa kanilang dalawa, ito talaga ang mas emosyonal.

"jero, please. hindi na ako aalis." the former's tears fell like an opened dam. hindi maiwasang mapatakip sa mukha dahil hindi niya mapigilan ang luha. akala ko kasi, hindi na masakit… pero ang sakit-sakit pa rin pala.

"sinabi mo rin 'yan dati, niko," nanghihina niyang tugon.

both of them are crying their regrets and frustrations out. for a few minutes, hikbi lang ang maririnig sa kanilang dalawa. ni hindi na nagalaw ang pasta at manok na nasa hapag.

"alam kong nagkamali ako noon sa pag-iwan sa'yo… pero— pero natuto na 'ko. hindi na— hindi na ako aalis ulit." nahihirapan man huminga, niko tried his best to convey what he feels at that time. hoping na pakikinggan siya nang kaharap.

sinubukang abutin ni niko ang kamay ni jero na nasa lamesa pero mabilis itong iniwas ng kababata. jero's looking at him indifferently. sa loob ni niko, alam niyang hindi na ito naniniwala sa sinabi, but he can only do so much.

"paniwalaan mo naman ako, jero, oh." nagmamakaawa na nitong sambit.

"paniwalaan? paano niko? eh, sa tuwing nahihirapan ka, nagsisinungaling ka." jero's words stabbed him like a knife. masakit kasi totoo. gusto niyang sabihin na wala siyang choice. pero palagi kasing meron. it just goes to show na with all of those options, si jero na lang palagi ang hindi pinipili.

"s-sige na, oh. papasukin mo ulit ako— papasukin mo ulit ako sa buhay mo. kasi jero… wala na akong kakampi."

ang kanina pang mga hagulgol na pinipigilan ay siya nang pinakawalan. sa sobrang bigat nang nararamdaman, sumubsob si jero sa lamesa dahil sa sobrang pag-iyak. he's clutching his chest underneath kasi nasasaktan siya para sa kanilang dalawa.

noon kasi, it's always jero and niko, niko and jero.

…hanggang sa naging si jero na lang.

"nakayanan mo na nga akong iwan dati, eh. nang dalawang beses! hindi imposibleng kaya mo ulit gawin!"

nanatili si niko na umiiyak habang nakatungo. letting jero's words sink in. alam niyang nagkamali siya. and he's owning up to it. all he just needs is a chance to make it right. isa lang, jero. kahit isa na lang.

"bakit ka pa kasi balik nang balik, eh, ang lakas naman ng loob mo na basta na lang umalis?

niko, why can't you just stay gone?"

[cocokrunchh]

Ano kaya kung ...

Magpakamatay na lang kaya ako.

Pagod na pagod na ko. Bawat araw na lang puro kalungkutan tong nararamdaman ko. May mga panahon na masaya ako at alam ko sa sarili ko na okay ako pero habang tumatagal nakakaramdam ako ng lungkot na para bang nilalamon yung mga masasayang araw na okay ako. Nawawalan ng saysay yung pagiging masaya ko. Dumadating din yung point na iiyak ako ng walang rason at idadaan na lang sa tulog at gigising na maraming iniisip na mga bagay bagay na wala naman saysay. Sa mga nakakaisip na kausapin ko dapat pamilya ko o kaibigan ko ishare ko yung nararamdaman ko. Hindi ganun kadali mag kwento kung may trust issue ka sa pamilya mo, sa mga kaibigan ko naman nanjan lang sila pag kailangan nila ako hindi naman ako nakahingi ng tulong sa kanila merong iba pero hindi naman nila naiintindihan at nakakalimot. Nagbabakasakali na may makaintindi sakin sa mga taong di ko kilala kaso habang tumatagal na nagbabahagi ako at nagkukwento di ko maiwasan na ma-attach sa taong yun at tatagal na mawawalan na sila ng interes sakin dahil na-share ko na sa kanila yung sino ako at mga pinagdadaanan ko at mas pipiliin ko na lang na hindi na magkuwento tuwing nararamdaman ko itong ganitong lungkot dahil ayaw ko maging pabigat sa kanila, ayaw kong makadagdag sa mga problema na mayroon sila. Nakakapagod yung paulit ulit na proseso na wala namang usad.

Pag namatay naman na ako wala nang iintindihin pamilya ko kase may insurance naman na ako. Di na nila po-problemahin ang gastusin sa libing ko at i-request na wala na lang magaganap na lamay diresto libing agad tutal wala naman nag e-effort na mga kaibigan ko na puntahan ako samin para kamustahin ako kumbaga wala talaga pupunta sa lamay ko kaya ilibing na lang diretso menos gastos pa.

Pero bago ko maisipan na ituloy to. Salamat na lang sa lahat, sa pamilya ko, sa mga kaibigan ko, sa mga kakilala ko, at sa'yo na nagbabasa nito dahil kahit sa huling sandali nakapag kuwento pa ako pero hindi mo na ako po-problemahin kase wala na ako.

[taaaaangi]

UAE Trip p.4

Day 2. 6am nga ako nagising diba, ginawa ko lang non nanuod sa tiktok at nagbasa kasi nagising pa sila Alei ng 10am na. Hinintay lang namin si kuya nung lunch kasi half day siya sa work, nagpunta na kami sa jewelry store para magtingin ng gold nga, isa yon sa pakay ko talaga don hahaha kaso sarado ung nagpunta kami kasi friday pala yon, may prayer sila. So, nag decide na lang muna kami magpapalit ng pera, ung dala kong dollars tsaka ung riyal ni papa na may punit. Dito kasi ayaw tanggapin yung may punit, eh sayang naman kung di mapapalitan diba kaya dinala ko na tas don ko pinapalitan. Walang tanong tanong don, pinalitan agad nila ung riyal. itong pamangkin ko pa, lahat na lang nang nandon sa bank na yan, kinausap. Kahit ung may ka meeting na isa, inistorbo niya. Grabe sa pagka friendly. Lahat kinakausap at sinasamahan eh. 

Anws, after namin magpapalit nag ukay na kami. Yung ukay nila parang sa Robinson Nova style ganon. Lahat din pinoy hahahaha may mga polo and blouse na 1 aed lang, sobrang good quality pa, ung iba 5 aed. May nabili akong shorts na 15 aed tapos 2, ang ganda nga ng quality sobra. May nakabili din akong 2 pants na isang Nike dri-fit pants tsaka isang Lee, 20 aed each. Bumalik kami don sa jewelry store pala para bumili nung set ko, madaming maganda pero sa 18k lang ako may nagustuhan. Ang minimalist kasi nung design ng butterfly kaya yun na yung binili ko. Ayaw nga ng nanay ko ung binili ko kasi daw di makinang -_-. Anws, may travel tax yon kaya pwede ko marefund. Sobrang friendly lahat ng staff nila, and pansin ko din lahat nung jewelry store na napuntahan namin, lalake ung mga staff nila. Walang babae. At lahat din nung staff don sa pinagbilhan ko kilala si Alei. Ang future niya siguro talaga maging presidente, char haha 

After nito, nagpunta na kami sa Emirates Palace. Amazed nanaman ako. Ang ganda ng view, pwede ka pumasok sa loob ng hotel. Tamang stroll ka lang ganon, di ka pagbabawalan. Tama din si kuya na mas maganda sa Abu Dhabi haha literal kasi na walang traffic sa Abu Dhabi tapos magkakalapit lang yung pasyalan. Ang spontaneous nga lang ng day namin na to eh, on the spot lahat ng gala, after non nag aya lang yung friend nila kuya na mag dinner sa fish market. Para siyang dampa ganon, bibili ka ng seafoods tapos ipapaluto mo. Difference lang is aircon ung palengke nila, malinis, at mabango. First time ko din natikman ung Arabic Fattoush salad, matamis na maasim ung lasa niya. May isa pa na appetizer eh, parang quesadilla ganon. Nakalimutan ko lang ano ung tawag. Nilantakan lang namin yung hipon, squid, tska ung isang isda na di ko alam ano tawag hahaha pota. 

Hindi pa natatapos ang gabi namin kasi gusto nila ate ipa try sakin ung buko ng emirates, kaya nagpunta naman kami sa fruits market. Sobrang sarap ng buko nila. Akala mo nilagyan ng sugar yung buko sa sobrang tamis. Kahit yung juice sobrang tamis. Nabigyan pa nga si Alei ng libreng orange hahaha nacute-tan kasi sakanya ung nagtitinda. May isa pa habang hinihintay namin yung pinakayod na buko, may nag papark kasi tas itong pamangkin ko ginuide pa siya mag park hayup talaga hahaha kaya tawa kami ng tawa. Akala mo talaga tatakbong presidente kaya napaka friendly. After, pumunta kami sa pasalubong center eme nila don, bumili na ko ng mga pasalubong ko. Yun kasi talaga ang plano ko, bumili agad nung gold tsaka pasalubong kaya ung matitira sa budget ko, pwede ko na gastusin haha. Akala ko tapos na ung gabi kasi mag 12mn na yon eh, pero di pa. Binanggit agad ni kuya na mag Dubai kami kinabukasan. Ganyan sila kaspontaneous, biglaan lahat. Biglaang book ng hotel, book ng tickets sa mga pupuntahan namin ganyan. Kaya pag uwi imbes na papahinga pa kami, nag prepare pa ng mga dadalhin para sa Dubai. Dito din sa point na to nakapag decide ako na gusto ko na ding mag abroad talaga. Sabi ko, iba talaga yung experience pag naranansan mo ung first world country. Mas mag hohope ka na tumira sa ganong bansa kasi ramdam mo ung asenso. 

Day 3.

Dubai. Sobrang bilis kumilos ng asawa ni kuya hahahaha elibs ako. Edi, umalis na kami sa bahay diba, walang patayan ng aircon sila mga dai, kasi kasama sa rent ung tubig, electricity, and wifi. Kaya nagtataka ako bat di nila pinapatay ilaw sa cr tsaka sa kusina buong magdamag, yun pala libre. Nag breakfast muna kami sa Mcdo, lahat talaga don digital payments na. Bihira na nag ccash. Eh cash ang meron ako diba, kaya di nila ko pinagbabayad kasi may mga points pag sa app ka bibili, may libre kang ice cream ganyan, or naka 50% off ung isang burger meal. Masarap din mcdo burgers nila don. The best. Pumunta kami sa The Last Exit, cute na foodpark lang siya ganon haha pero pumunta kami don para mag CR, lahat ng spots ig worthy. May maliit na cute kiosk ng SB don, kay nagtataka kami bat ang haba ng pila papasok, yun pala pila yung drive thru ng SB.  After, the last exit nag punta kami sa Dubai Parks and Resorts-free. Yes po, free siya. walang entrance talaga pati sa parking waley din. Tamang lakad ka lang and pasyal. Nandon din sa loob ung Legoland, pero syempre yon may bayad na at ang mahal niya haha 300aed ata. Kaya inikot na lang namin, may mga pahingahan din sila pag pagod ka na maglakad. May mga bean bags sa ilalim ng puno. Literal na chill lang talaga. tapos pag naka recharge ka na, lakad ulit. Nag ice cream din kami sa Mcdo ( nanaman) hahaha. Yung nalibot na namin to, nag byahe ulit kami papuntang hotel na namin sa Dubai. Yung lugar pa hotel, parang baguio style? na Makati? ganon. Puro pinoy kasi yung nandon talaga. First time lang din daw nila kuya don sa lugar na yon eh. May food stalls na puro pinoy foods, may mga tiange din. Kumain lang kami ng sisig tapos milk tea. Si kuya kumain din ng kwek kwek. namiss niya na daw hahaha Btw, sobrang kulit pala talaga ni Alei, medyo spoiled kasi tapos lahat gusto niya makuha ganon or dapat masunod. Kaya yung 10 minutes na lakad lang sana namin from parking to food stalls naging 20 minutes kasi lagi kaming nahinto dahil sakanya.Understandable naman din kasi inaantok na haha nakatulog na siya habang hinihintay namin ung milk tea eh. 

Next destination, Global Village. amazed nanaman ako. hays. Malayo ung parking space sa main entrance kaya sumakay kami sa parang tricycle? pero ang difference niya, manual na padyak ang gamit ni kuya hahaha eh apat kami diba, malalaki pa kami kaya hirap na hirap siyang mag pedal. pero don walang nagpapadagdag, kung ano ung price yun lang. Global Village, isang malaking park na may tiangge, food stalls, rides ganon. papasok ka lang sa mga bansa tapos may mga nagtitinda ng products nila galing sa bansa na yon. Nagtagal kami sa korea, japan and asian eme eh. Naghahanap kasi ako ng funko, kaso ang nakita ko naman figurines. Every country din don may performance. Ikaw na lang susuko sa kakalakad sa sobrang lawak niya. Hindi na nga namin napuntahan ung ibang lugar sa sobrang pagod na kaya bumalik na kami sa hotel. Pero di pa natatapos yung gabi namin non kasi nag tiange pa kami nung asawa ni kuya lol, nilakad na lang namin mula hotel hanggang sa tiangge. Buhay na buhay pa din ung kalye kahit 1am na eh. Wala na din palang face mask don kaya makakahinga ka ng maluwag talaga. 2am na ata kami nakauwi kasi nag grocery pa kami sa malapit para bumili ng water ang snacks.

DAY 4

Nagpunta kami sa Dubai Mall. May sneak peek kasi don nung pa aquarium nila. amazed nanaman ako hahaha hayup. Imagine, aquarium sa loob ng mall??? Ang ginawa lang namin is nag picture sa Burj Khalifa tapos nanuod ng dancing fountain. Sabi nila mas maganda daw yon sa gabi eh kaso tanghali kasi kami pumunta don, pero oks na din kasi ang ganda. As in. hindi ko nga lang mapicturan ng buo ung burj kasi may mga ulong nakaharan hahaha nag give up na ko, basta nakita ko siya up close, oks na ko haha. Pinatry na din sakin nila kuyau ng biryani tapos ung isang chicken creamy eme na dish din, nakalimutanko yung name tapos isasawsaw mo don ung naan na bread eh. The best din. Ang lalaki pati ng servings nila don tapos ang mura talaga. 

Butterfly Garden. Dapat sa Miracle Garden kami pupunta kaso nag mahal ung ticket, naging 75aed kaya nag butterfly na lang kami. Nakaktuwa kasi ang daming butterfly tapos ang lalaki nila. Ung butterfly na mismo ang dadapo sayo sa dami nila eh. Nung una, takot pa si Alei humawak pero ung natry na niya, sobrang proud niya eh haha nagmamayabang sa ibang bata don na nakahawak siya ng butterfly haha kaya wala kami ginawa kundi humili ng butterfly para sakanya. After nung lakad lakad, may bean bag ulit sa labas na pwede ka mag relax, yung nakaupo na kami, aba si alei, lumapit don sa mga staff ata, may parang band kasi don, may nag gguitara ganyan. May mic. Nag request ang bata ng Let It Go. Choosy pa siya kasi nung una accoustic version ung tinutugtog ni kuya, ayaw niya dai, sabi niya talaga “no. i dont like that”, gusto niya ung original version hahahaha kaya ayon, hinanap pa nila tapos nung tumugtog na kumanta siya talaga. Nakakatuwa sa pagka bibo eh lol. Lahat ng nandon vinideohan na siya. Kahit magulang ni Alei, hindi alam kung kanino daw nagmana sa pagka maarte at mabibo kasi pareho silang hindi ganon hahahaha 

Since, pauwi na kami sa Abu Dhabi, gumala na kami sa pang mayaman na mall don,literal na walang tao ung mall na yon. Naki cr lang kami  tapos take note hindi tissue ang gamit nila pag maghuhugas ka ng kamay. towel, yes po, opo, towel. nashookt ako. first time ko makapag cr na ang gamit nila pang punas sa kamay pag naghugas ka towel. hayup talaga ahaha so ayun na nga, nagtataka kami bakit walang tao, sabi nung pinoy wala daw kasi ung mga businessman. Meeting place pala yon ng mayayaman. 

Final agenda sana namin sa Dubai is ung Museum of the Future, kaso bawal magpapasok kasi may event. Sayaaang, kasi libre din ung museum na yon eh. hays. better luck next year. Nagpunta din pala kami sa One aed store don. Namili kami pasalubong naman. Imagine 1aed ung m&m’s na chocolate. May 1 aed din na pasta. Naka sale halos lahat ng chocolates. Tapo may BPI din don mga sis. Mag aapply na ba ko sa BPI-Dubai branch hahaha lol.

 Pauwing Abu Dhabi, nagharutan lang kami ni alei. Puro ako kagat niya. pinanggigigilan talaga ako nung batang yon. Umuwi lang kami saglit sa bahay para ibaba ung mga gamit tapos pumunta na kami ulit sa bahay nung kapatid ni ate. Tapos namasyal kami sa park, take note 11pm na to. Nag park pa kami. Sobrang lamig din. Sabi nila sakin “Eto paula, ganito lang ang buhay namin dito” hahaha kung ayaw mo na sa bahay mag park ka or mag mall ka ganon. Malinis and safe din kasi ung mga park nila. Malapit pa sa corniche kaya presko. Akala ko after namin ihatid ung mga kapatid ni ate saa bahay nila, makakapag pahinga na kami pero nooooope. There’s drama and nagkapulisan pa lol basta family drama nila yon di ko nakwento. pero after nung kaganapan na yon, ako pa din inisip nila hahaha “wala pang 4 days si paula dito, ganito na bumungad sakanya” hahaha. bukas na siguro ung continuation, nunuod ako OP hahaha lol

[seemslikenothing]

Bugtong Ko at Ng Buwan - The Commentary

I-share ko lang 'to bago matapos ang Buwan ng Wika.

So, ito 'yong tula na ginawa namin ng tropa kong si Jon MDA mula 2024, May 28 to July 06. Nabuo ko 'yong original version nito around 2021 noong patay na patay ako sa isang guy na nakasabay namin mag-hike sa Nagpatong Rock Formation sa Tanay, Rizal; na nagtatrabaho sa Royal Caribbean. Ang pangalan niya ay Kim, siya 'yong tinutukoy ko na "diwata" sa tula (hindi ko na ida-drop 'yong full name niya, baka out of nowhere mag-pop 'to sa browser niya. Hahaha!).

Tungkol sa tula, lumalabas talaga ang pagiging makata ng tao kapag ano eh, alam mo na. Hehe. So, ayun, nagawa ko ito, sobrang mababaw lang, hindi naman seryoso. Kaya may mga parts sa tula na kapansin-pansin na mabababaw na salita lang 'yong ginamit kumpara sa mga ginamit ni Jon sa parts niya - mabubulaklak na mga salita talaga. Sa totoo lang, naki-cringey-han na ako kapag nababasa ko 'yong original version nito. Ganoon pala talaga 'no? Ngunit dahil sa tulong ni Jon, noong inilapat niya 'yong POV niya sa tula ko, suddenly nakaramdam ako ng kilig at kiliti, na matagal nang nawala, noong nawala 'yong paghanga ko kay Kim.

Akala ko sasabayan lang ni Jon 'yong flow o 'yong level ng tula ko. Ang sabi niya noong unang nabasa niya 'yong tula, para sa kanya buo o tapos na daw ito kaya tinanong niya ako kung ano pa ang gusto kong maramdaman sa tula. Sabi ko wala na, bukod sa wala na rin naman akong nararamdaman sa taong nag-inspire sa akin na isulat 'yon pero sabi ko curious ako sa magiging POV niya, sinabi ko rin na pwede niyang sagutin 'yong tula ko in his POV tapos separate piece na lang para hindi na kailangang i-merge. Fast forward, pinasa na niya 'yong first draft niya. Sobrang namangha ako dahil ang ganda ng mga verses na nilapat niya, malalalim at makukulay na mga salita, parang mas naging "fantasy" 'yong tula ko. Pero the downside is that, 'yong level ng verses ko hindi tumutugma sa lalim ng verses niya. It didn't sit right with me. So, sabi ko, magrerevise ako ng mga words para lumalim kahit kaunti. I was able to make revisions naman. At noong gabi na pinasa na niya 'yong supposedly final draft, napansin ko na naman na parang hindi balanse 'yong mga lines bawat verses. Halimbawa, sa first verse, meron akong 4 lines, Si Jon mayroon siyang 5 lines. Sa second verse, mayroon akong 6 lines, si Jon naman ay mayroong 5 lines, and so on. So I decided na magdagdag pa ng lines para magbalanse lang. Same-day edit kumbaga.

Ito 'yong pinaka-paboritong kong linya na naidagdag "Noong ika'y nakasama, nakadaupang-palad, mga ngiti ay nang-aalipin, Hindi ko inakalang ang mga ito'y aking hahanap-hanapin." Nabanggit ko kanina na wala na akong gustong maramdaman sa tula, at wala na rin akong nararamdamang espesyal kay Kim. Itong mga linyang ito ay wala nang kinalaman sa kanya. Sa totoo niyan, lahat ng mga linyang idinagdag ko ay tumutukoy na sa isang tao, isang taong napakamalapit sa akin. Itong dalawang linya na ito ang pinaka-naglalarawan sa nararamdaman ko noong mga panahong nirerevise ko 'to. Lalo na 'yong part na "mga ngiti ay nang-aalipin", I was like "Saan galing 'to?" to the point na parang ayoko nang isama 'to sa tula dahil gagamitin ko na lang sana ito sa future piece na gagawin ko. Mas seryoso. Mas sigurado. Biro ko pa nga sa sarili ko "Sa Philippine literature ba, may gumamit na ng linyang ito? Ipapa-copyright ko sana" Haha. Ang korni, pero ganyan ka-espesyal 'yang linya na yan.

"Mga ngiti ay nang-aalipin." So, kaninong ngiti ba yan?

It turns out, parang naging distraction ko lang pala si Kim from a one-sided crush I had back in 2019. I have this friend na sobrang pinupush ako sa kanya after the hike; ichat ko daw, yayain ko daw maghike minsan, etc. But the truth is, siya 'yong crush ko since 2019. At siguro, kaya masyadong intense 'yong infatuation ko kay Kim noon dahil for the first time in a long time, nakaramdam ako ng distraction.

Sa kanya, kanyang mga ngiti ang tinutukoy ko sa linya na yan. Guess what? Bumalik 'yong feelings ko sa aking kaibigan after 5 years. "Noong ika'y nakasama, nakadaupang-palad.." - ito 'yong sandali noong naghawak kami ng mga kamay noong nag-aaral pa lang akong mag-ice skating. Tangina diba? Ilang taon kong pinatay 'yong feelings ko, tapos bumalik nang ganon-ganon lang? Totoong hindi ko inakalang ang mga ngiti niya, ang presensiya niya, ay hahanap-hanapin ko noong mga panahon iyon.

Hindi pala ito commentary sa sinulat naming tula, confession pala ito. Hahaha. Ayun lang.

August 31, 2024 update: Sinusubukan ko ulit patayin 'yong feelings ko sa kanya. Just like the last time. Wala eh. Totoo nga mula sa pangalawang berso, ang umiibig ay handang matalo.

Ps. Sept. 09, 2024 - Kung sakaling mabasa mo 'to at kilala mo yung mga taong tinutukoy ko dito, please let me know. Ayokong malaman na 'yung sikreto ko eh for some reason ay magiging sikreto mo na rin.

Xxx

Mariel

[littlelav107]

a long, winding letter to tres, written in taglish and desperation

aka, an aromantic's plea to someone swallowed in amatonormativity

dear tres.

maalala ko dati magkatalikod lang mga upuan natin sa fablab. that was when i thought of tagumpay (yes, the ship) seriously at mas naging chill tayo.

then came the pep-talks, as you called them. it was a shock talaga sa akin nung first time. feb 20-something ata yun? di ko na nga maalala kung paano napunta doon, pero in hindsight, feeling ko wala ka talaga ka-share ng emotions before that, and im glad na buhay ka pa rin ngayon in part because of those chats and talks.

pero as time passed, alam mo 'yung napansin ko? the themes of the talks were less about stuff like demotivation and pressure and became more about. about romance. i dont know when, pero at some point biglang ang source ng lahat ng problema ay dahil walang ka-lovelife. siguro nung late march, kasi dun ka nag-confess sa kaniya. siguro nung late march nga, kasi dun mo rin sinabi na un na lang natitira sa bucket list mo.

and like- it isn't wrong! wala naman maling gustuhin na may mahalin ka and someone loves you back! ginusto mo na may ka-relasyon ka, pisay days palang! maging fair naman tayo, recovering ka from a previous breakup at pwedeng spur of the moment thought lang yun. but it wasn't!

naging normalized na siya? confession pa lang, biglang may i-love-you na? sinasabing walang label pero may tawagang love na kaagad? i don't get it!

dati nung oktubre ikaw nagsabi kay you-know-who na wag ako madaliin. and you were right! so what happened since then? sabi ba nila sa iyo na dapat may girlfriend ka rin? inisip mo ba na since may jowa na sila, dapat mayroon ka rin? because that's not right!

and i'm telling you this kasi it might become a cycle. biglang sasabihin mo may bago kang mahal, tas infatuation lang pala, tas either may problema sa relationship o ayaw ng magulang, tas break na. tas biglang iyakan na, wala na biglang motivation, kailangan may ka-jowa ulit this school year, tas cycle repeats. may bagong mahal ulit.

akala ko talaga tapos na. i thought na after the most recent breakup ay wala na. after all, di pa nga tapos one month ng school year. come to find out meron pala, sa b30 pa! i really, really, don't understand it. and it hurts me kasi this feels like it should be logical to not jump from relationship to relationship! for all the logic and competition medals and high grades you have, i don't understand kung bakit biglang ganito!

please, tres. i know wala kang tumblr. fb people ang mga taga-pinas. pero i want to ask you: did amatonormativity do this to you? did you see lahat ng magkajowa noong valentines? did you believe all the shipping jokes? kasi bro, nasa hs pa lang tayo. b30 'yang ka-ano mo rn. she doesn't know what she's doing and i don't think you do either.

and i'm not doing this kasi may gusto ako sayo or anything, no, absolutely not. i'm doing this kasi i'm seeing the cycle of amatonormativity and infatuation in you. and i don't want you to keep exhausting yourself in that cycle anymore. please lang. para mabuhay ka. kasi di na tayo same section para maging reminder ako ng mga pep-talk. di na rin naman kita macoconvince kahit ano pang reminder of other kinds of bonds ang ibigay ko sa iyo.

and if my tagumpay shipping started this? then i'm sorry. i really am. it was a joke that went too far and i acknowledge that. but please. i don't know how to end this, but after finding out about the b30 thing, i just needed to get this out. siguro walang makakabasa o makakaintindi nito. pero on the off chance na may makabasa nito na nasa same situation: please.

don't fall trap to this cycle.

-no. 21 last year

[mypersonalsafespace-blog]

Got my first credit card from Union Bank.

I have this mindset before na nakakatakot kumuha ng credit card kasi nga utang ito. Baka mabaon lang sa utang. Pero in my 30's napakalaking tulong nitong card na ito. Basta gagamitin ng tama at disiplina sa sarili. Wala pa kong credit card nun pero nireready ko na sarili ko, pagiisip ko sa tamang paggamit nito. Sabi ko strictly for emergencies lang ito. Lalo na pag nagkakasakit.

Sakto dating nito kahapon at nagamit ko na siya kanina. Nagkalagnat ako dahil sa lapnos ko sa kamay. Nadikit sa panini grill sa pinagwoworkan ko na coffee shop.

Eh 10 plang ngayon 5 days pa bago ang sahod. Petsa de peligro pa buti nalang dumating ang card at Nakapag cash advance ako. Laking tulong ng cc kasi di ko na need ng ibang tao na mauutangan. At nakakahiya din. Sa mga kagaya ko na wala naman masyadong connection at wala masyadong friends, laking tulong nito. Basta be responsible lang pag due date na.

Very Thankful.

Edit: wow granted na yung free 10,000 points ko dito sa credit card na ito. Pero yung inaantay ko is yunh NAFFL (no annual fee for life.)

Mas oks pla ang CC when paying. Tapos mas tracked mo pa yung expenses mo. Basta discipline lang. Iniisip ko padin na parang debit card siya pero may mga points and perks lalo na sa mga merchant ng CC mo. Basta kung ano lang kaya bayaran sa due date yun lang dapat wag lalampas.

[benefits1986]

disney//princezzz < lion_kween

Pop cult bites you hard without you realizing it. Fact or opinion?

Apparently, tatay kong pakitong-kitong naghahanap pa rin pala ng gift sa akin for my namesake day. Sobrang delayed na and wala namang point kasi ayoko nga ng mag gifts. And honestly, nakaka-agit. Nag-bike siya papuntang bike shop na aligned kay MatchaME and boogsh, closed on Mondays. Haysss. Sinabi ko ay sign na 'yun para tumigil na siya at tumabi. Binataan ko rin siya na kung accessories ang balak niyang ibigay, ipa-validate muna sa akin kung 'di, derecho imburnal 'yung kung ano mang binili niya. HAHAHAHAHA.

Isa pa niyang major-major attempt is ibili ako ng Lion King na Lego. Sabi ko, oks lang pero most likely mas mageenjoy 'yung kapatid ko at ayoko na super happy siya. Saks happy lang. Plus, hindi siya aligned sa gusto kong curation. Plus, 'di siya mura lalo na kuripot tatay ko. Ikakasama lang niya 'yan ng loob. Baka itapon ko lang din 'pag nagpang-abot na naman kami.

And so, dahil diyan, pasok PL ng Lion King. Ayoko ng mga Disney Princesses lalo na nung 90s. Bakit? Snow White kinagat apple tapos ano? Weird 'di ba? Sleeping Beauty as in legit na weak, sorry not sorry. Ariel naman pinili na mawala ang voice niya just forda sake na makipaglandian. Tacca. Oks lang lumandi pero why naman at the expense of Ariel's most prized possession 'di ba? Rapunzel naman isa pa. Tacca. Bakit need pa paakyatin 'yung ungas na prince with the help of the hair she combed and cared for all along. Wendy and Tinkerbell, weak din. Noong bata pa ako, ganyan 'yung silent thoughts ko habang nanood ako ng mga Disney shit. PLUS 'yung mga princes saks lang. Nothing special. Tapos, usually mga karibal nila sobrang no match sa looks and feels nila. Bakit umiinit na naman ulo ko ang aga-aga?

Noong napanood namin sa sinehan ang Lion King, malamang sweldo weekend nun. LOL. Sabi ko, eto na fave ko. Bakit? Feeling ko kasi ako si Simba. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Minus the lupain, the title, and the namesake. Why? Pasaway. Palalo. Pilyo tapos anxiety levels 100000000000 naman. Ganern. Oks naman si Nala as in. Strong female character naman siya. Pero, mannnn. Simba is legit bobo like me. Super flawed main character na pala-desisyon sa lahat. Actually, naluha ako sa scenes kung saan nag-farewell sila ni Mufasa. Boogsh. Pati na rin 'yung pa-starry, starry night nilang reunion.

Looking back, siguro nung kabataan ko spirit animal ko Lion Kween. LOL. Then mga derivates nito are Baby Dragon ni Mother Dragon and Tigress Biatch. 'Di ba? All roads lead back to Lion Kween pa rin.

Looking back, Simba losing his dad is somewhat a sneak peek of me losing mom na mejj napaaga pero 'di naman super. Iba rin naman ang lion years to human years, 'di ba? So parang pretty much similar. EMS. Ma-connect lang talaga ano po? CHOZ. Pero gets? Tacccaaaa. Ang aga.

But, we're choosing to see beyond what the eye sees these days lalo na on super early mornings like this one. CHAZZZZ. Ano bang gusto kong sabihin? Siguro, eto 'yung start ng seeds of queerness is next to ungodliness ko. Kasi nga, gusto ko ako si Red Power Ranger. O kaya blue o kaya oks na black. Pero, sabi bawal. Hahahaha. Walang attack about being tomboy or lesbian because 90s kiddos sa paniniwala ko mas open sa fluidity simula noon hanggang 5evs. More of bawal kasi choices are pink and yellow. Period.

Also, mas na-appreciate ko si Nala now. Perhaps because my version ng Can You Feel the Love Tonight ni Beyonce? SHEESSSHHH. Pero mas maganda pa rin 'yung original kasi mas unadulterated ang vibes all over. Pero mas pinaka love ko talaga sina Timon and Pumba bilang HAKUNA MATATA is the path to the light. Lalo anxiety levels 10000000000000000000000000000x Pro Max tayo, opo. Sa lahat ng bagay, lugar, tao, pangyayari, panghalip, pangungusap, etc. Si OA. Hahahahaha. E ganun talaga ako. You can't take that away from me, however, may unti-unting kalma space na tayo. Araw-araw na pinipiling 'wag mag-spiral or kung mag-spiral man, may pag-holler for help na tayo sa mga purple people nating 'di umaayaw. Hahahaha. Matiyaga ang network natin in fairness. LOL.

Mahirap pa ring mag-ask for help pero siguro andun na ako sa point na okay, baka naman mas maging okay 'yung ganitong takada. Again, the kinda recent meltdown is giving hahahahahaha. Muntik na tayo doon. Legit. Sad pero gahhhh. Thankful it panned out like a theatrical shitshow because andito na tayo ngayon. And that it's a stripe I earned after a bloody final battle. The danak ng dugo is not joking, however, it had to take shape and form para marealize ko ano ba talagang deserve ko. And that is life-changing. Universe, thank u. Next. Ready na me. Hihihihihihi.

And so, Lion Kween, balik ka na muna sa mga paganaps na 'di umaayaw at umaapaw. Bring the scars and the burns. You burnt a few houses to the ground and now, it's time to rarrrr. Zipped files. CHOZ. Hahahahahahaha. Also, reminder to keep your Timon and Pumba Hood closer kahit ayaw mo talaga. Not because you're weak when you holler for help. You choose to ask for help because asking for help makes the human in you divine kahit taccccaaaa talaga. Lastly, let things happen. Maiba naman. Kaya mo 'yan, Kween. Kaya mo na. Tacccaaaa. PS1: I did not enjoy the musical version and the refreshed move version at all. I guess mas nostalgic lang for me 'yung original na movie? O baka 'di ko kasi kasama nanay kong dragon manood with matching debrief pag-uwi. LELS. PS2: 'Yung landian scenes ng Lion King, very oks siya kasi may sense. May push and pull. Mas oks sa landian nina Belle and the Beast. Hahahahahaha. Saka 'di puro shallow shit lang like white skin, long hair, etc. na nakaka-eew. Opinyon ko lang naman 'yan.

[cmo-27]

I just want to thank you, love, for everything, for accepting me completely. I know it's been tough for you, even though you keep telling me you don't want to lose me. But I reached this point because I can feel that you're feeling guilty, and you've admitted as much because things are getting better on your end. It hurts me 💔, but it's okay, I chose this. I'm sorry, love, if you're caught in the middle. Even though I don't want to let go, I'll be the one to step back. I love you very much, and God knows I loved you so much Allen🩷

 last time na nanggaling ako sa inyo nung tinanong mo kung paano ako pag okay ka na kasi may naibigay niya na yung pagkukulang na gusto mo sagot ko sayo okay lang ako , pero habang papauwi ako galing sa inyo, tinanong ko yung sarili ko okay lang ba talaga sa akin pagtapos na tayo ?  naiyak nalang ako kasi  alam ko namang hindi talaga ako magiging okay pero dapat akong maging kasi una palang naman alam ko ng may hangganan , yun nga lang talagang napamahal ako sayo as in .. know that kahit ganto tayo naging totoo ako sa nararamdaman ko sayo  .  I'm sorry for everything Allen :( lagi akong magiging masaya para sa iyo. Sayang lang at hindi tayo nagkakilala ng maaga , pero God has a purpose kung bakit tayo pinagtagpo , BAWI nalang Next Life . 

If you start missing me, just look at the moon. It’s like our shared meeting place in the sky. Tell it everything you want to say to me, and I'll be doing the same on my end. lahat ng hinanakit at mga bagay na nagpapasaya sayo. Isipin mo na kasama mo ako habang nakatingin ka sa kabilugan nito. Kahit magkakalayo tayo ngayon, hindi ibig sabihin na mag-iiba ang nararamdaman natin para sa isa't isa.

Alam kong mahirap ang ganitong kalagayan, pero laging tandaan na ang buwan ay parang isang tagapaghatid ng ating mga damdamin. Nandito lang ako, pero palaging kasama mo sa puso. basta Huwag mong kalimutang laging tumingin sa buwan kapag nami-miss mo na ako.

It's been an incredible month ( 1month since the day I confess i love you) filled with joy, laughter, and unforgettable late-night conversations. Our time together has meant a lot, and I’ll cherish the memories we've made. While it's hard to say goodbye, I know that every ending leads to new beginnings. Wishing you all the best as you move forward. Take care and keep smiling, because you have a light that brightens any room. Goodbye for now, and who knows, maybe our paths will cross again someday. 🩷

Take care, and know I'm thinking of you.🥹

ILOVEYOU ALLEN, I ALWAYS HAVE AND  I ALWAYS WILL 😭 Im sorry 😭

-----------------------------------------------------------

Thank you for understanding my situation. Super brave mo kasi sumugal ka din kahit walang kasiguraduhan sa dulo. I owe you so much lalo na sa mga oras na walang wala ako, na pakiramdam ko pinabayaan ako ng isa. Salamat kasi pinadama mo yung isang tunay na gf, wife material sakin. Sorry if nafall ako, sorry if i told you " i love you too" pero lahat naman ay totoo kasi di naman tayo magsasabi ng ganun kung trip lang. Mamimiss ko mga midnight trips natin while talking sa phone. Super gaan lang sayo, kapag ikaw kausap ko walang pressure sa ano mang gagawin. Sana mameet kita sa next life para wala ng drama na ganito. Kung mangyayari yun wala ng option options. Focus lang ako sa magiging family natin. Sobrang lost ng guy or ng asawa mo, sorry to say, pero lost niya yun kung bumitiw ka, kasi you are a keeper na. Please wag ka muna hanap iba, focus ka na muna kay zach, baka magcross ulit landas natin kahit hindi pa next life. I loved you che che. As in! :( i always love you MAHAL KO. Kung sayo yung moon, akin hangin. Na kada sa byahe mo sa motor or kung anong sasakyan pa, kapag humangin lagi lang ako andiyan sa paligid for you. If you need me, dito lang ako. Mamimiss ko movie night, kape nights and deep talks natin. It seems may finish line itong love story natin. Im always by your side love. I love you so much Monica 😭😭😭😭

[littleinfinitiy]

Umiyak daw sya...

Di ko din gets nung una kung bat naiyak ka sa ginawa kong greetings sayo kasi nga monthsary natin HAHAHAHA not until i myself watch the whole video HAHAHAHA

Ang purpose kasi talaga ng vid na to is para lang i greet kita kasi nga po monthsary natin. And what happen was ayun naging emotional din naman ako sa totoo lang nung nirerecord ko yung video di ko din naman alam na ganun nga yung magiging kakalabasan nito. Kasi kung ano lang maisip ko na sabihin sasabihin ko. Yung kung ano nararamdaman ko sasabihin ko. Nagkaproblema pa nga ako pano ipapanuod sayo tong vid e. Kasi walang net sa los baños kaya di ko alam ang nangyari tiniis ko yung tagal sa telegram HAHAHAHA sabi ko pa sayo baka pwede mahiram 20 mins ng buhay mo kasi ganun kahaba yung video mahal HAHAHAHHA wala kasi masyadong cut e kasi nga parang the whole vid i mean most of it was ayun na yun yung mga sasabihin ko mismo. Kaya ayun umabot ng 20 mins hehe. Basta ang purpose ko lang naman po talaga nun is ayun nga igreet ka. Di ko man inexpect yun na ganun kahaba ang dapat nga lang nung 4-5 mins e HAHAHAHAH dana 20 minsa ba naman inabot. Kaya ayun. Tsaka ang point kasi nun para makita mo din reaction ko habang sinasabi ko yung mga bagay na yun. Pag blog kasi binabasa mo e iba pa din yung pinapanuod mo and i think it was effective knowing your reaction ay sus. Sorry na po mahal di ko lang alam pano ieexpress yung nararamdaman ko that day i mean pwede ko naman syang idaan sa ganto pero mas naisip ko nga yung video and yeah i guess i did it naman? Hehe pag namimiss mo ko panuorin mo lang yan. Bago matulog. Habang kumakain. Habang naliligo. Hala si oa na HAHAHAHHAA basta nandun naman na po lahat ng sasabihin ko e hehe. Mahal na mahal kita okay? Wag mo kakalimutan yun na mahal na mahal ka ng bural na to hehe ❤️

[idlaesy]

Ika-25 ng Setyembre, 2023

Lunes, 10:32 n.g.

Kay Klyde,

Alam mo namang nagustuhan talaga kita, ‘di ba?

Gusto ko lang isulat, at gusto ko lang din alam mo. Dahil sobrang hindi rin talaga ako mapapakali kung matapos ang buwan na ‘to nang hindi ko nasasabi sa’yo. Hindi ko gustong ireklamo lang ‘to sa mga kaibigan ko, kasi ikaw naman ‘yung mismong dapat na nakakaalam. Ikaw rin naman ‘yung involved.

Siguro, ito ‘yung tatawanan natin sa mga susunod na buwan o taon. Pero ‘tsaka ko na iisipin ‘yung mga dadaang araw. Basta ngayon, gusto ko lang muna ilabas lahat ng nararamdaman at naramdaman ko. Pakiramdam ko rin makatutulong ‘to sa akin, dahil hanggang ngayon, medyo may bigat pa rin, may binibitbit pa rin ako.

Nagustuhan talaga kita. Siguro dahil talaga ‘yun sa mga pagkakatulad natin. Sa kanta, sa pelikula, sa galit sa gobyerno, sa mga kabadingan, sa ilang mga pananaw na binabali natin. Gaya mo, at gaya ng lagi kong sinasabi, mahirap humanap ng mga interesanteng bagay sa isang tao. Mahirap kumonekta.

Na-realize ko na hindi ko pa rin pala kayang tumagal sa ganitong set up. Ibig kong sabihin ay ‘yung set up natin na babanat ka habang alam mong gusto kita.

‘Yung pag-remove ko sa’yo sa mga social media accounts ko, ginawa ko ‘yun para sa sarili ko. Para hindi na ako makibalita. Hindi na kita makita at tuluyan na akong mawalan ng paki. Hindi ko alam kung nakatulong nga ba sila, gayong gumagawa pa rin ako ng mensahe para sa’yo.

Medyo may kirot pa rin pala talaga kapag naiisip ko na nagustuhan natin ‘yung isa’t isa at hahayaan na lang nating gano’n ‘yun. Siguro dahil pangatlo ka na sa gumawa sa’kin niyan. Pakiramdam ko umuulit lang lahat. Kaya rin siguro palaging binabansag at pinang-aasar sa akin ‘yung ikaw eka ‘yung babae na nagustuhan pero never ni-pursue. Itinatawa ko na lang, nakikitawa na lang ako. Kasi ano bang magagawa ko? Pero huy, naiintindihan ko ‘yung rason na sinabi mo sa’kin noon kung bakit hindi mo ako ipe-pursue.

Maikli na ‘yung tingin ko sa buhay. Siguro dahil sa mga taong nawala, sa mga kaibigang nawala recently, mga literal na nawala. Natatakot na naman tuloy ako mamatay. Baka dahil sa kawalan ng kamalayan anong buhay ang mayroon pagkatapos nito. Hindi naman na ako naniniwala sa langit. O dapat ba simulan ko nang maniwala ulit para hindi na ako matakot? Hindi ko alam kung maiintindihan mo ‘yung ganitong phase ng buhay ko, baka sabihan mo na naman ako na ang tanda ko na naman at ganito ako mag-isip. Pero ayun nga, gusto ko na lang gawin ‘yung gusto ko at ‘yung tingin kong magpapasaya sa akin.

Gusto talaga kita, kaya pinilit kong subukan ‘yung atin. Para ngang kaya kong kunin lahat ng oportunidad noon. At alam ko, kaya ko ring magbigay ng marami pang tsansa noon. Hindi sa hinihingi mo, pero ibinibigay ko sa iyo at sa sarili ko. ‘Yung mga limitasyong ako mismo ‘yung nagguhit, ako rin mismo ‘yung nagbubura. Sinubukan ko ring habaan pa kasi baka kailangan mo nga lang ng oras para iproseso. Baka kailangan mo lang mag-isip pa. Kasi nandoon na e, nakikita na kita, nakikita mo na ako. Baka may chance. Baka puwede. Pero hindi pala sapat ‘yung nagkakakitaan lang tayo. Para lang tayong nasa magkabilang gilid ng kalsada. Nagkakawayan. Nakikita lang natin ‘yung isa’t isa pero hindi tayo nagtatagpo.

Ang dami no’ng mga pagkakataong sinubukan ko na i-meet ka. Pero baka hindi ka rin talaga ready, at sa isip ko, kaya ko pang maghintay. Kaya kahit na paulit-ulit sinasabi sa akin ng mga kaibigan ko na hindi ko deserve ‘yung ganitong treatment, na hindi mo ako deserve, tumuloy pa rin ako. Simula no’ng natutunan kong hindi piliting itaas ‘yung sarili kong pag-iisip kaysa sa nararamdaman ko at sa nararamdaman ng iba para sa akin, hindi na ito tungkol sa kung deserve ba natin ‘yung isa’t isa o kung sino ‘yung mas karapat-dapat.

Hindi ko kayang magalit nang matagal. Na minsan hiniling ko. Na sana nagalit na lang ako, dahil mukhang mas madali ‘yun. Pero at some point, hindi mo naman kasalanan ‘tong nararamdaman ko. Nilagay ko rin naman ‘yung sarili ko sa gano’ng sitwasyon. Nagkusa rin naman ako. Nag-expect ako ng mga changes at progress. Iginaya kita sa mga pamantayan ng dapat, na kesyo dapat ganito ka na kasi ganito na ‘yung edad mo. At mali ko ‘yun dahil mayroon ka namang sarili mong timeline at phase.

Ayoko namang putulin itong koneksyon natin, na nakakatawa dahil sinubukan kong gawin noon.

Siguro naging parte ka ng mga normal na araw ko, Klyde. Hindi espesyal, normal lang talaga. Payak. Kaya siguro no’ng hindi na tayo nag-uusap, parang may hindi na normal sa araw ko. Hindi ko masabi na may kulang. Pero sigurado ako na hindi normal.

Puwede ba ‘yun? Hindi kulang, pero hindi rin normal?

Gusto ko pa rin namang maging magkaibigan tayo. Gusto pa rin kitang makausap tungkol sa mga kanta, sa mga banda, kina Bullet at Ang Bandang Shirley, sa mga Asian na pelikula, sa mga sulat, sa mga ka-cringe-an ng buhay, at sa mga pagkilos.

Maikli man ang buhay, malay pa rin natin, sa ikli ng panahong meron ako at ikaw, magkita pa rin tayo isang araw.

Palagi,

Alpha