#ane talking real shit w

[imwritesometimes]

sometimes I hop on here and see a bunch of posts that remind me why I grew disillusioned with my last account and deleted it entirely and it's like 🤷‍♀️

[wisecrackingeric-2]

SPOILERS FOR SEPERATE WAYS UNDER CUT N O T OPEN IT IF YOU DONT WANNA SEE EM!!!!!!!!

Here’s my little tiny exploration of Luis’ character because it is my god-given duty to pull him apart and analyse him

• Ok so first off………. THE OPENING SCENE??????????? Oh my god there’s S O MUCH TO TALK ABT. Yes Luis dancing is hot as SHIT but also???????? He was about to get TORTURED and MURDERED and he STILL decided to have fun with it and do a lil dance?????? That’s so!!!!!!!!!! He wants to live out his fantasies right until the end!!!!! He truly does think his confidence can get him anywhere!!!!!!! And then when the dance ends he’s READY TO FISTFIGHT THE MONKS?????? NO WEAPONS HES FULLY ABIUT TO GO FISTFIGHT THEM???? He KNOWS it’s a loosing battle but he’s gonna fight tooth and nail to the very end!!!!!!!!!!!

• Also when he turns to face the person who was also dying in the cell and says “this next dance is for you brother” and we get a close up of his face……….. god it hurts to know that that was a person. Somebody who was beautiful in their own right and maybe even somebody who meant something to Luis. Even in the face of death Luis sees the beauty in it ARGHGAGWHSGSB

• Also also I’m sure SOMEBODY could find meaning behind the Flamenco (somebody more knowledgeable in Spanish culture than me) but I’ve heard some people say it symbolises capture and death???? CAPCOM HOW DARE YOU HURT ME SO

• I LOVE that we get to see a more relaxed side of Luis around Ada and less of his flirtiness and damn. It’s so obvious he and Leon are in Love. He’s trying soooooooo hard to impress Leon every time they talk by being super flirty with him and then whenever he’s with Ada he’s a total nerd he’s soooooooooooooo in love w that blonde twink

• GODDAMN THAT FIRE SCENE. WHAT I S N T THERE TO TALK ABOUT??????? First of all the paralells between his childhood where he watched his grandfather die in a fire?????? Also he FULLY RAN INTO A BURNING BUILDING AND ALMOST DIED J U S T TO GET LEON HIS MEDICINE????????????? HE CARES ABOUT LEON SM I WANNA RIP SOMETHING APART. He didint wanna see Leon die in the same way his Grandfather did because he couldn’t save his Grandfather back then!!!!!!!!!!! He wants to make things right!!!!!! HE WAS LITERALLY ON HIS HANDS AND LNEES CRYING I CANT I CANT

• Also ADA CARES ABT LUIS SM,,,,,,,, SHE RAN INRO A BURNING BUILDING TO SAVE HIM AND MAKE SURE HE DIDINT DIE,,,, THE BESTIES EVAH

• godDAMN that scene where Luis heals Ada?????? I LOVE that we see him hesitate for a good solid few seconds on wether or not he should run away from her or stay,,, wether or not he should go back to his usual habits of running away from the people he loves or stay to help,,,, ANS HE STAYS TO HELP BECAUSE HE CARES ABY ADA AND ALSO??? ADA BEING LIKE “leave me here……… besides…… you’ve got a promise to keep……..” OOOOOOOUGGHHH SHE KNOWS,,,, SHE KNOWS HOW MUCH LEON MEANS TO HIM I CANNOG RN also that lil apothecary thing he had was sooooo gender of him

•OH MY GOD HIS DEATH SCENE WHERE HE CALLS HER?????????????? I don’t remember EXACTLY what he said and I’d have to comb through like hours of footage to find it again but,,,,,. THE FACT THAT HE CALLED HER TO SAY GOODBHE????? HE CARES ABOUT HER RIGHT UMTIL THE END?????? AND HE CALLS HIMSELF HER ‘Good Samaritan’ IN THE SAME WAY HE CALLS HIMSELF DON QUIXOTE TO LEON AOAOAISAUJSSOSISKS,,,,,, and then he’s like “sorry I’ve gotta go Leon needs my help ;)” OUGH,,,,, I’m gonna reference another post from my mutual but it’s so sad that Luis got to spend the rest of his life with Leon but not the other way round………………..

• I’m so glad we got to see more of Luis and more of his personality when he’s not tryna swoon the blonde twink he’s in love with BXNSBEHEJXIAIS he feels like such a deep and real human being especially whenever he interacts with Ada and I just,,,,,,,,,, sigh. He’s my favourite character for a reason. 10/10 no notes

• Edit: also the parallels between Luis calling himself Ada’s ‘Good Samaritan’ and Leon his Sancho like AAAAAAAAAA???? You could pick apart the meaning and argue abt how good samaritans are usually friends and Sancho is a code word for Gay Lover in a lot of old fashioned Spanish bars like how ‘friends of Dorothy’ was but ANSNWUENDUNXXUNDDHXN SHUT UP I can’t rn

•Also I’m SURE you could pull some symbolism from the bugs and from Luis having an apothecary as catholic self-exorcism and how ‘science is the roof of all evil’ and Luis is using it to help others etc etc etc……….

Also if anyone else finds anything abt luis lore wise like how you have to find a picture of his grandfather or of him with Umbrella in the original PLEEEEAAAAASSSWE SHOW ME I NEED MORE LUIS BACKSTORY I NEED IT IN MY VEINS

• ALSO ALSO EDIT: the fact that one of the ingredients for his cure are butterfly wings???? And butterflies symbolise CHANGE????? HIS ENTIRE ARC IS ABT CHANCE??????? I’m actually gonna be sick.

[roxannedaybreakermidnight]

Tackling a few of my most recent experiences wiwth the internet. Don't read if harassment and racism trigger you. I don't mean harm, this is supposed to be a safe space. Comments I deem negative will be deleted so that others feel comfortable just going around and say whatever.

1. Shipping

I completely understand people's worries with Punkflower but guys, instead of worrying about non confirmed ages, can we worry about kicking out actually problematic people off the internet doing stuff to real life minors? Miles was 14 when I was 14. He is now 15 and I am 18, I still love Miles the same way, ans that doesn't compromise my morals.

A person's ship between characters doesn't say about their morals entirely. Of course, sometimes it's undeniably creepy, like characters clearly presented as parental figures being shipped with kids that were supposed to look up at them. That's weird, don't do that. Or, idk, thinking it's a good idea to jerk your dog off. (I saw documentaries, those who do too knkw what I am talking about)

Point is, pls don't harass people who don't mean actual harm. Hobie's uncomfirmed age range shouldn't cause as much hate as it does. I disagree with nsfw from time to time because it is weird, but I mostly see couple-y stuff with a few jokes, and honestly? I absolutely adore it. I encourage you to try it. I used to absolutely hatee on people who ship any characters slightly older with whatever character the topic is. I would literally try to gate keep the whole fanart community cause "She's a minor, STOP!" and honestly it was stupid asf. I'm not telling you to encourage it, just don't be mean about it. It feels stupid. If you don't disagree, and the post isn't causing harm, just don't engage.

2. Shameless racism/harassment

Recently I've faced people both in and out of omegle who seem particularly shameless, feeling safe around their little homes thinking ol' mean me won't mind. I am using this opportunity to expose a particular someone who seems very keen on being weird. I grew up around weird guys, and I often identify them easily, but for some reason I pushed the lil gut feeling away. If you have the same problem, pls listen to that feeling. It's there to avoid situations that might be upsetting.

Starting with Omegle, people seem very comfortable with racism (and search of minors to flash them). I receive jokes indicating they want me to be shot, find me ugly, make faces of disgust, call me a slave, etc etc. Not to mention I even found teenagers joking about beastiality being 'awesome'. Kids rlly need to get supervised, cause I am telling y'all, some were barely 14.

Now, I had an interesting interaction on instagram with a Miles Morales account. He came to me cause I was rping as Peter and invited me in his server on discord. I got the gut feeling from his habit of trying to flirt with Gwen profiles and spamming pictures of him in a suit. For some reason, some people have a pattern of spamming pictures when they want praise and always require attention from specific people, and I know this cause I've been harassed over this before. Days later, I was matching with my bff as an anime couple so I changed and he realized I'm born female. He asked me to be rio instead, without knowing my age, and went ahead and offered 'fun', and that 'I can't tell anyone'. What happened essentially is that I called him out, he said I was disrespecting him, I blocked him, so he made a new account to cuss me out and threaten to report me. I feel indifferent about it, but if you have anyone with similar behavior, save yourself the trouble and block them. (His discord is 'dmoney520' so avoid interacting w him pls)

3. Sexualizing a content creator

I don't mean Dream, or corpse husband, or whoever tf. I am talking about a poor 16(ish) year old called Eddie who makes content for the fact he sounds like Hobie brown, and he has people saying shit like "wanna get pregnant?" The guy just started worrying about whatever the place he lives in worries around this time.

It's honestly creepy how people will actively harass punkflower creators but then barely notice a full ass guy who is still deemed a minor regardless of what American law says getting weirdass comments from people they don't even know. Literally flabbergasted at this discovery. Not mad, just genuinely upset.

These people often forget that websites can track their activity and its hilarious to me, so whatever. This was my report on my feelings after a week of internet, and honestly? I wanna delete it. My punkflower AU happy ending is coming so if that's what you wanted, great!

[transmaverique]

gonna be honest I see anyone talking about this "my gender is more complicated than yours" shit as someone who genuinely cannot comprehend that other people that don't share certain traits with them can still in fact have rich interior lives. as an agender trans woman who uses she/her I've never had anyone say it to me who wasn't (usually unknowingly) transmisogynistic

see but im not talking about "rich interior lives" and the assumption that i am is exactly what im talking about. i am talking about the actual physical way that reality treats and percieves me in comparison to the way it treats and percieves you. saying my gender is "more complex" means to me that i am physically incapable of existing in a strictly binary world and that there is no thing i can pass as bc "binary man" and "binary woman" are both incorrect for me. and the Cisiety in question does not allow androgyny to exist - it is exclusively the timeframe people have to decide whether they think you are a cisman or a ciswoman, or a failure and a freak. i dont subscribe to that "binary privilege" shit, thats not how privilege works. but there are differences in the ways both you and i can navigate this strictly binary Cisiety!!! and those differences deserve to be named, imo

like. again. i dont have to comfort you about your own internal sense of gender before youll listen to me about my experiences in the real world as genderqueer. as a different sort of transsexual than you.

(and bc i Know what binary ppl love to say: i know not everyone is 'capable of passing'. what i am talking about specifically is the difference between being unable to pass as a cis woman or a cis man vs being unable to pass bc what i am does not exist AT ALL in a binary society, and both of those things are incorrect ans unattainable.)

(anyways if that language is too imperfect for you thats like fine but. its just confusing to me, i dont get why its hard to understand what we are talking about here. our experiences w our nonbinary genders are completely different! why do i have to discuss them like theyre the same?)

[missmoa-translations]

Nikaidouniko: Thank you very much for Shibuya Halloween. I swear, I never ever want to come to Shibuya for Halloween again…I’m tired from dancing, but everyone liked the show, so I guess it’s okay. But I got a lot of people ask me to marry them, although they were girls, so I’ve been freaking out a lot today, I’m never performing at events again, seriously…

Nechan: Come on, Niko wwwwwwww This seems to have become your favourite phrase wwwww

Ranchiyo: Next time I return to this world, I will do my best to help you.

Nechan: But please no curses and spells. Use love. Use love, please!!!

[wink-wonk]

tutoring a middle schooler is actually so fucking fun

[ares-athena]

Ck Hawk X F! Reader x Miguel

Old flames

Warnings ⚠️- a little angst in the end and swearing but that's it

Summary- your old friends from out of town come to visit and old flames reignite and secrets are revealed in the candel light

This takes place I would mid season two before middles takes a tumble off the second story

When they are all assholes and Kresse is in their head

For this to really make sense let's say you moved around the same time as Miguel and met hawk and Miguel at school

You had a lot of skeletons in the clostet from your old home

This is when you Miguel and hawk weren't exclusive

Muguel wanted to go out with Sam and hawk wanted to go out with moon

When a few of your old friends come to visit you over winter break

Miguel, hawk, aisha, and tory are all over at your place watching some lame Christmas movie to pass time by but it wasn't working

"You expect me to belive they can just bulldoze that building with people in it? That's illegal." -t

"Tory it's a shitty hallmark rom com it's not supposed to make sense." -y

Then there's a knock on the door

"This went from Christmas to holloween real quick." -a

"Shut up." -y

Miguel and hawk were going to go with you but "sit." -y

You go open the door see what the hell the girl scouts are selling this time

"Nora!"- y

You jump on your best friend

Elnora has been your longest friend

You guys met in kindergarten and had been friends ever since

"Get off me" -n

"I brought the rest of the gang" -n

"Come in there's people for you to meet."- y

"You have friends I'm shocked" -w

"Shut it will. I'm not that much of a loner." -y

"I beg to differ" -o

"Hi to you too oli." -y

You make them come to the living room where the cobra kais are

"Guys these are coria, fleur, Elora, Oliver, elijah, and William

"My friends from Indiana" -y

"Hi im coria oh god I love your hair." -c

We all know who that was directed to

"Coria hun I love you but don't talk anyone's ear off please. I just got these friends." -y

"You say that like you bought us at the store" -h

"I thought you made them up.-w

"I am really disappointed that you think I dont have social skills"

"You don't"

"Not really"

"I'm surprised you have this many friends"

You sit my miguel and hawk like before when muguel asked the dumbest question imaginable

"What was she like back in indiana?" -m

"NO. no no no no no no no."

WE are not going down memory lane today" -y

"Do they not know?" -e

"No they do not know and they don't need to know" -y

"Know what?" -h

"On a scale of 1-10 how unhinged is she?"

"I don't know like a 8" -a

"8.5 on a bad day" -t

"Thats it" -o

"Are you kidding me" -e

"This is bullshit." -c

"Where was this calm you back in indiana where we had to stop you from committing arson?" -w

"Hey that was once" -y

"Yeah once a week"-f

"Arson really." -h

"It was a long time ago." -y

"It was last year" -w

WILLIAM Shut the absolute fuck up" -y

"I wanna here more" -t

"I'm glad your laughing at my stupidity." -y

"In all fairness most of those fires were when we were all high as shit" -c

"As funny as this is we have to get home" -a

"More stories tommorow." -c

"I'll be here" -t

Hawk would take them all home

"I have a question." -o

"Yes you can all stay here tonight." -y

And the history between you, Oliver, and elijah was well known with the group and they want you guys back together

You go up to your room

"Can we bunk with you tonight? That girls are all in the second bedroom" -e

"Yeah sure" -y

The three of you were together before you left

The only reason you guys broke up was because you were moving

They knew that ans they had a feeling by the way Miguel and hawk were looking at them that they were your now boyfriends

You were in the middle of the bed elijah on your right and oliver on your left

Just like 1 year ago the last day before you moved

"We missed you" -e

"You both or the whole group?" -y

"Both" -o

That's when oliver kisses you

It's slow and sweet

Just like your last

And elijah is making himself at home in your neck

Until he sees the hickeys from Miguel and hawk

You pull away from oliver

"Those two assholes are your new boys now" -e

"E you don't eli and Miguel." -y

"Why'd you kiss me back then" -o

"We aren't exclusive" -y

"Then they don't want you"- e

And now your kissing elijah like your life depends on it

Oliver leaving New and darker hickeys on your neck for your new boys to find

While coria was at the door taking a picture

That night ends with you tangled in the sheets with your former lovers

And your current ones blowing up your phone wondering about the mystery boys

Miguel and hawk knew there was something going on

They just had a gut feeling

In the morning the four cobra kais went back to house and you and your last night lovers were still asleep

Elnora and Fluer were talking to tory and aisha telling them stories about you

Corina was in the living room with hawk and Miguel

"Where is y/n" -h

"Upstairs sleeping with Oliver and elijah"- c

"They slept in her room?" -m

They knew it

They knew something was up with those too

"They did a lot more than sleep." -c

"Honestly if y/n never moved the three of them wouldn't have broken up." -c

Based on their faces coria knew something was up

"Whats up with you two? Y/n in a new relationship or something?" -c

"Yeah or something." -m

They were about to ask coria more questions when the three of you woke up to join the party

Miguel grabbed you hand

"We need to talk." -h

They dragged you back to your room

Locking the door

"What the hell is wrong with you?" -H

"Like seriously" -h

"What are you on about now" -y

"You fucking your exes as soon as we leave" -m

"How do you know about that?" -y

"Don't worry about it why are you with them when we were calling and texting you all goddamn night" -h

"Last I checked we weren't fucking exclusive so why does it bother you so much?" -y

"Bacuse your ours no one else's." -m

"Thats hypocritical."-y

"We wanted to be exclusive thats why we came over this morning to see you." -h

"Bullshit." -y

"I am tired of this attitude" -m

Hawk pins you on the bed

Miguel is on top of you

"Your ours not your fucking exes understand." -m

Hawk whispers in your ear "we fuck you better anyway"

"Did you ask the girls I was screaming all night" -y

It was an exaggeration but if it riled them both up you were up for it

"Really" -m

"Lets really make you lose your voice then" -m

Needless to say they proved they were better

They spent all day learning more about your past which you hated

"What about the 17?" -w

"No I draw the line at the 17" -y

"I thought it was 20?" -c

"I think it was 20" -f

"20 what?" -t

"NOTHING" -y

"The 20 were people y/n here had a crush on" -e

"I'm sorry you had a crush on 20 people at once" -m

"Maybe" -y

"And people were always adding to it" -w

That went on all night

Everyone spent a night that night

When you, hawk and Miguel were in your room oliver and elijah came in to talk to you

"Y/n/n we need to talk" -o

"What"-y

"Alone" -e

"If you have something to say to her say here" -h

"This doesn't concern you so keep your goddamn mouth shut" -o

"If it has something to do with our girlfriend it does concern the both of us" -m

"So what your exclusive now what the hell was last night y/n?" -o

"Last night was a mistake" -y

"A mistake my ass" -e

"You know what you know our numbers call us when you come to your senses were leaving in the morning" -o

They walk out

Your past just walked out the door

And your present is standing right in front of you

[transbebe]

me on my blog that has nothing to do with persona: how can i mention persona here

[cosmicbash]

You wanted a prompt?

“I think I just ripped my pants.” This is perfect in all the ways 😈

"What the fuck?" Marshall's voice shoots up suprisingly high, to that almost squeak of a sound Colson has heard the rapper make in a few interviews or silly behind the scenes clips. It's more than enough to immediately grab the blonde's attention away from his notebook. (Not that Em ever had to work to get his attention anyway, Colson honestly was forcing himself to avoid looking at his idol more often than not, lest his leering got caught and their already tense relationship grew worse. He could hardly believe they'd mostly squashed their beef as it was, let alone the current prospect of a song together.)

All those pentative thoughts go right out the window though when his eyes finally settle back onto the now standing, and now TWISTING older man. His expression tight and cheeks a new color of light pink that Colson thinks he'd only seen once before the first night they sat down to talk it all out. He's just about to force his eyes a little lower and appreicate whatever weird arch Marshall's giving his back when he see's it.

"I think I just ripped my pants-"

Oh. Yeah. Holy shit. He totally did.

Colson's tongue feels tied up in his mouth now, pen tight in his fingers while his own face warms. Ripped feels like an understatement, the large tear down the other rapper's pants is huge, splitting the fabric open to expose the lower half of his ass that actually manages to stay inside his ever sagging pants. But not just that, Colson can see pale white too, a color which, as soon as his brain processes, DEFINITELY CAN'T be the basic tight back briefs he's always stealing glimpses of on the downlow.

Whatever Marshall caught on ripped it's way clean through both fabrics.

"Whoa."

He can feel the immediate glare, even if his eyes refuse to move up to meet it. They're locked in, focusing and anaylzing like some shitty cartoon robots might on the prominent crease of his idols ass crack and the little red slash directly to the left of it.

"I think it cut you too-" how did the dude pull that off?

"For real? What the fuck-" That high distressed tone is sticking around it seems, one of Marshall's hands blindly feeling around the area ans only arching his back harder. "This can't be seriously happening,"

"W-wait, just-" Colson's ears feel hot as his fumbles his stuff over onto the open couch next to him. "Let me- let me check you out-"

To make sure he's not hurt of course.

Marshall doesn't argue with him, but also straight up ignores him altogether it seems while his focus jerks back down to the chair that evidently commited such treason.

"Is that a fucking knife? Why the hell do you have an open knife just chilling on a chair?" Now Colson can see it too, one of his own random pocket knifes tucked in the fold of the studio chair, blade shiny and sharp. Obvioulsy having caught the other mans clothes when he sat back and shifted around to get comfortable. (Thank god it wasn't sticking straight out, stabbing your idol in the ass before you even finish your first studio session can't be a good way to start a collab)

"Shit, it, it's probably one of the guys, sorry, fuck-" Gotta save face somehow. "Rook's always leaving them laying around, that's on me, I shoulda cleaned up more-"

"You think?"

There's that bitter tone Colson thought he finally escaped.

"I'm so sorrrrrry-" the blonde almost wants to whine like a child for forgiveness. How can his life be so fucking cruel to him? Yeah he's been begging the universe for an excuse to see Eminem's ass in person since he was like 15 but did it have to be like this? Feels like one of those bad genie wishes.

"Fuck." Marshall's sigh and quick rub of hands over his face cuts his pity party a bit short. Attention snapping away from the blade to follow said slender bits almost reflexively when they drop back down to touch the loose fabric. "I can't believe it sliced through it all so cleanly-" the brunette's tone is still full of annoyance. "How bad is it?"

"Huh?"

"The cut. How bad did it cut me, fucking stings-" Colson needs to blink and process for a moment on that soft hiss the other man gives before he arches his back a little more, free hand settling down on the sound board for support.

"You want me to... look?"

Colson swears he hears angels singing. Probably just the laced weed he smoked earlier on in the night, but if Em-i-fucking-nem bending over his soundboard and grabbing one of his aas cheeks while peering back at him basked in holy studio lights above him isn't a sign from god to shoot his shot he doesn't know what is-

"Well I'm not gonna fucking have you take a picture of it for me."

No of course not, that much luck would seriously be pushing into the "i'm totally having an acid trip right now and ems freaked out about me drooling on the couch" side of reality.

"Okay!" And Colson drops to his knees, completely on instinct. He totally didn't have to, bending down a little to peer closer probably would have been fine. But he'll be damned if he doesn't seize the day or ass presented before him.

Marshall's back tenses up and though he can't see his face as much from this angle the blonde defonitely sees the older man's ear turn red when his palms settle down on the back of those thick thighs.

"F-fuck! What're you doing all that for?"

"I wanna get a close look-" and commit every little freckle he's spotting to memory.

Cute freckles and Marshall's tempting pink tinged crack and peek of balls a tiny bit lower if he squints aside- "oh yeah, it did knick ya bit. Not like, enough to draw blood. But theres a red line right across here." One Colson traces with his finger just to watch the older man shiver.

"Okay, alright, yeah-" he's never heard Marshall sound so flustered before, paired with the sight before him Colson can't help but drink in his fill. Palms cautiously adjusting their grip in what he hopes is a subtle enough way not to immediately alert the other rapper how it spreads his cheeks, just enough to- "well kiss it better or get the fuck up alright? This is so fucking weird-"

Gladly.

"C-Colson!" The swift kick of a foot back into his stomach to steal his breathe is totally worth the long flat lick of tongue he gets in and squeak of his idol finally calling him by first name.

Hey, he was only doing what Marshall asked him to afterall. 😪

[ronwae]

So, i've been thinking for a while about some headcanons for dating Ralph and how life w him would be like in the scenario where he doesn't betray Nicky and u choose to be w him.

(this list will continuously expand, depending on my creativity)

* when u just meet with him, there is zero action between you, since he expects you to date Nicky.

* At first will not believe that mc is interested in him and will think it's some test/ prank from Nicky

* For Ralph "sweetheart" is like "toots" for Nicky - he'll call mc that on a daily basis

* Will turn red every time mc makes him a compliment, and due to not knowing how to react to praise he'll just stay silent/ pretend he didn't hear it

* these points are mainly about his character/ mental state of yearning praise and affection but not knowing what to do w it once he gets it, at the same time i feel that he'll be a show-off from time to time bc of low self esteem( which comes from traumatic childhood)

* by show-off i mean that every time he drives with mc somewhere he'll drive faster than he usually does and talk about how he's a "real new yorker" ans how well he knows the city

* 1000% is a car guy and will talk about it for hours if mc let's him

* has a caring mother like side, making sure that mc is always safe, comfortable and happy around him., sometimes treating mc as his kid that he really loves. Will indulge mc's every wish and make mc a priority

* will be conflicted for some time since until this moment his priority was always career and money

* if an argument happens he'll always let mc win and will try to end it as fast as possible

* will try his best to come up with romantic date ideas but will usually fail since he isn't used to that

* will beat the shit out of anyone mc points at, like a personal bodyguard

* sarcasm 24/7

* usually is very calm and soft around mc but becomes pretty cold when someone else he knows is around

* randomly will tell very fucked up stories from his childhood and laugh at it and then won't understand why mc says "u a victim"

* finally understood that he's a victim and now is crying

* u both serve as emotional support for each other wich creates a very strong bond which will last a lifetime

[monstersofsilence]

RWBY related stuff because I have things to talk about and to let out some things otherwise I might go mental (spoilers... so warning!)

FUCK JAMES IRONWOOD

LIVE TO BE DUMBASS. DIED BEING A DUMBASS (if he some how comes back I will flip my lid)

okay

now that I got that out of the way uvu

um

shit

yeah

I’m gonna miss Penny .w.

I said in tags of a post and I wanted to elaborate more onto that though I opted not to. now, I can! I was upset when she was killed off the first time around though obviously it was unexpected considering that time (in volume 3) Pyrrah was succumbing to Emerald’s illusion semblance and yeah

I was upset then. now, I’m just freakin’ sad but in a way, it’s a much better send-off than before considering they built her up for two volumes. volume 7 and current one being 8. I mean I loved the character when she was introduced way back only because she’s very loveable and caring, has that innocent curiosity that just makes you go “please. never change. I will protect you with all my life you sweet, innocent girl”

and then they take her away from you

twice

first one was upsetting

second time is just me tearing up and EVEN FREAKIN’ MORE WHEN THE SONG DURING THE CREDITS IS A SONG SPECIFICALLY FOR HER AND I’M JUST

W H Y

literally breaking my heart ;w;

as for Gilligans Island-looking place with the big ass tree from Avatar directed by James Cameron, I have a theory about it and this gonna be me referencing a certain movie though I don’t know if they’ll something similar to that. I didn’t expect that to be there. then again, how is there gonna be another volume if they just randomly kill off all of team RWBY by just having them all fall down into the eternal abyss. obviously it’s gonna continue but I wonder if it might go the route I T H I N K it’ll go

one of the Pirates Of The Caribbean movies, Jack Sparrow, the main character, gets captured by Davy Jones and is sent to some odd place (Davy Jone’s Locker). basically just a place where Jack just goes crazy though it exists outside the real world. the way they got to saving Jack was, I believe going to the edge of the world. it’s some elaborate thing

I’m just guessing that maybe, MAYBE they go that route. either the others go and try ans save RWBY or RWBY (plus Neo and Jaune... if they get along!) try to find a way out of that mystical island beach Avatar tree-looking place

some elaborate thing like that

also, I still find it interesting that Neo is still after Ruby because she thinks that Ruby did something Torchwick... and doesn’t know that he got eaten by a big Grimm bird (I don’t remember what it was. a Nevermore maybe? it was something with wings! that’s all I remember!) I hope to see some interaction between the two. ‘cause that’s the only reason Neo just wants Ruby dead

okay

I am done with my talk uvu

[hiehgiuhdkgdfjhdf]

skank. ☄️💗 vasily 🤕 arden

hi 😳

vasily;

☄️ Does your OC believe in fate and destiny or do they think it’s a load of garbage? Would they ever get this fortune told? What would a fortune-teller tell them about their future?

oh im going to be real im kinda blanking on this but summed up shortly they dont believe in that stuff at all. its a ver "you make do with your own shit" kind of worldview if that makes sense lol theyd think its ur own responsibility not like, a higher power's

i think a fortune teller would look at their future and either go "what the fuck is up with you, man" (if its pre canon) or "oh i see. faggot" (if during canon)

💗 Relationships? Who are their friends, their family relations, lover(s), foes? What sort of personalities really tick them off and what others do they like? Is there anything that’d ruin a friendship for them?

oh im gonna go off topic before getting into their actual relationships for this one im dying to let everone know about vasilys character arc. anyway

prefacing this with YES theyre a terrible person sometimes but they get better. dont worry about it. anyway vasily didnt ever rly bother making any sort of lasting profound relationships (neither platonic or romantic) as a product of how they were raised (family full of hunt avatars and all that) + they didnt care that much anyway. so self inflicted isolation (kind of) + being a hunt avatar makes them super apathetic to most ppl lol. along with the no real humanity/human emotions thing that comes with being an avatar sometimes. which. that changes as they get a group of people they regularly see and actually enjoy being with and it gradually culminates into (vasily staring at himself in the bathroom mirror) oh fuck i have feelings? real?

ANYWAY moving onto the actual question. sorry

vasily has a kind of weird relationship w their parents its. complicated. but as far as siblings or cousins go its fine. his boyfriend is avery <3 they love her a lot even if they have to be fucking constantly vigilant bc she runs off into dangerous shit. as ive said they care abt her a lot but that also goes for their friends but vasily would like, never admit that he'd rather pull his teeth out

judas is vasilys best friend (unfortunate on judas' side) that they stabbed one time but its fine now. they joke bully eachother and hunt together its all good and fun and sexy <3

i used up all my energy to talk about the off topic part of this question sorry everyone

arden:

🤕 What is the worst injury your OC has ever suffered? Do they have any scars or lasting physical reminders of it? Do they get sick often or have any lasting medical conditions?

oh arden definitely has a bunch of cuts and scrapes just bc hes always active n always was as a kid. has a scar on his arm from falling off a tree as a kid. also wears a wrist brace sometimes. but really theres is no "worst" injury ans even if there was he wouldnt acknowledge it arden would just keep on fucking going. someone make him sit down

hes very resilient no one has seen him come down with anything aside from like one day long nausea in years. its a mystery to everyone

avery/judas belong to @/svpportclass (GRABS YOU)

[seddm]

Hello good Dr.! GTG again! Thanks for your answer! But that was the whole point of what was I trying to say: they had plenty of time and eps to make something out of S3 and the proper set up of LHF and CotBM (in the first where Tom breaks up with Star, giving them both a real reason to be sad not just that mess that was STH and, in the second, where they both questions their feelings for each other and see that the Moon didn't do jakcshit, and start to think out the whys and what not, [1/6]

as I told early). Just read something on cressiever that I do agree that I do agree. Just imagine with, in a imaginary scenario: Star, quetioning her feelings for Marco, talks with Ponyhead, Janna and even Kelly about her feelings and how she fear of messing thing up (a very good throwback from Starcrushed). Marco do the same talking with Eclipsa and even Kelly [2/6](again, a good throwback of LLB, w/o the Kellco bullshit - no hate intented, I LOVE KELLY, and if Starco was never even teased as the main couple from the start of the first ep and Star was ment to be with someone else with proper build up, Kellco would be a strong 2nd bet along side with Jarco. But Kellco was literal dog bollocks to happen and break off screen w/o even explaining why!!). See? Already a very different scenery for the rest of the season, making a very plausible explanation [3/6]of why they would not get together immediately ans D/C and having htem facing the consequences of their actions, hell even giving the chance to show how Tom would be better of by himself and how he forgives Marco and Star for kissing on the Booth. I do agree with JolleiQ that I can read very good fanfics that are way better written and created by fans than a team of so called "professional writers" that work on a Empire that will conquer the whole world some day and can pull this simple [4/6]shit out that I've made all willy nilly and sleepy as I write this, w/o even needing to touch S3!! As I said before, you my good Dr. have a perfect and valid point, but the writers and Daron are responsable for this mess that is S4, with or w/o Disney cutting of SVTFOE from the paycheck. They had plenty of time to make something way better than what they showed us, after 3 seasons of (again, IMHO) perfect interactions of the characters along side plot related events. [5/6]Again, sorry for the usual giant text (hence my nickname for us haha), and thanks for always being pacient with me! As always I would love to hear you take Dr. Mario! Stay awesome and have a good day/afternoon/night!! [6/6] 

(thanks for the kind words, as usual) Yeah I get what you mean, none of what I said was meant to excuse the show from an apparent lack of proper planning that lead to early S4 being used to write themselves out of a corner, rather than to keep going linearly from where S3 left us. Still, I’m trying to be as objective and humble as possible, and that’s exactly why I have to recognize that “writing a better fanfiction” taking on the season in a different way is much, much different than making 37 different stories, most of which 11 minutes long, to fill the season while juggling a number of limits and requirements for each individual segment. Like, that thing you said about Star and Marco talking about their feelings explicitly. In a TV show, especially one as non subtle as SVTFOE is, such a level of direct exposition about feelings would necessarily have to lead to a big change in the status quo: it could happen in Starcrushed because that was a season finale with a huge final cliffhanger, but having it at the beginning of a season would have made it nigh impossible not to have huge Starco developments, either positive or negative, happen in the very same episode. Think about Curse of the Blood Moon: the episode could go so hard with Starco in its first half, with the cereals and the blushing and all that, just because they were then going to “erase” it for most of the second half of the season before the end. Huge build up and exposition = huge changes. Having Star pour her heart out about Marco to her friends just for no change to happen for a substantial amount of time could work in a fanfiction, but its not doable in a show structured like SVTFOE - the contents of the episodes have to be built around the rules of the game, and this inevitably brings several limitations with it. Which, again, doesn’t equal to “they couldn’t have done things differently” at all, no, all I’m saying is that if we take all these elements into consideration it becomes hard to simply split up Tomstar earlier while still delaying Starco and having some meaningful build up with it over the season while not having the climax of their relationship happen before the finale!

[livelovelaug-h]

Irreplaceable you pt 2

Sam x reader

Warnings- cancer: sad times. Angst. :(( Grab the tissues still.

"So I decided to cut out gluten. That was like the first thing that I did. I would just like wake up in the morning and feel like totally fatigued. Just like, "eh."

You laugh. This could be good. Next girl.

"You know, um his job he doesn't really like talking about it." She laughs. ?

Next girl. "You know what's funny I have a cat named Sam."

"oh okay."

"yeah." Nope. "Thank you."

You're writing down on some papers a few notes notes: too slutty. Too needy. Too freaky. Too neurotic.

Next girl.

"So it says on your online profile you were Phi Beta Kappa?" You ask.

"I had no life in college." You laugh.

"And now you're a researcher for the National Institute of Health?"

"Yes. Still have no life. I'm just... I'm just tired of being alone. I'm where I want to be career-wise, and I really would like to settle down and have a family."

She adds: "sorry, Natural caretaker. Also overbearing neurotic."

"I'm the same way." You say. "Um... Let's set up a date."

"Okay. Um, just... If I could just be honest with you, um, I just don't quite understand why a man would send his assistant to pre-interview women. I just... I don't get it. "

"Yeah, um... Here's the deal." She could tell by your face.

"Sally! Please don't hold it against him!" She starts walking away.

"This is the craziest thing like ever!"

You started picking up the papers to go catch the girl but you ran into in the waitress. "Oh, shit. Oh, sorry! I'm sorry! "

"No, I got it."

"It's kind of a long story."

"I... I think I heard it. I mean, I know I shouldn't, but spying on the customers is like the only thing that makes this job halfway bearable. You are way more interesting than most. "

"I know, it's unusual." You say.

"Yo, dude, I think it's awesome. Like, my mom died seven years ago. I was in high school. And after she passed, my dad spent every night alone. And I tried to tell him, "Go out. Live life. Find someone." But not just anyone. The right person. "

"Exactly. Which is hard."

She laughs "Right. imean, do you have any like friends or anything that could like take him off your hands?"

"Yeah his brother but not anyone that would get this girl stuff."

"Right. I mean, the thing is, finding the right one is actually about volume. You should host a mixer, like, invite some people."

"Yeah, right. Nothing says "fun" like a mixer hosted by your dying girlfriend."

"I mean, I'm having an art opening... at this gallery space on Friday. you could use it as a front.You, like, wouldn't even need to be there. And... And an art opening could bring together some really interesting women. Like the right types. Not that there wouldn't be some people there with like interested in the free snacks, but... "

"I wouldn't want to..."

"No, honestly, dude, you'd be doing me a real solid."

you laugh. I'm y/n.

"I'm Mira."

~~~~~~~~~

"A hundred and fifty dollars? This place is a rip-off. I could make this myself one week tops." Myron says.

"Focus, please. We just need to freshen up Sam's look a little."

"Why is that again?"

" Trust me. Any woman that meets him

is gonna want to shop for him. The wrong one will put him in these. He wears all plaid all the time"

"What are you doing?" You ask myron.

"What?"

"You're the only one who gets to make bad decisions because you're dying? Terminal cancer. Put it on my bill. "

"You're just so cool with everything. I'm not cool with any of this.

"I've been dying longer than you have. You get better at it. "

"How?"

"Well, it's like this vest. At first it's, "Why is that old man wearing that horrible vest? Pretty soon I become the vest guy. After that, you realize that you'd hardly recognize me without it. I look comfortable in it. It's a part of me, so... you accept it. "

"I don't think I can ever accept you in that vest."

"No?" He asks.

"Try this on. I want to see what it'll look like on Sam."

"Okay."

"But let me pair it with some skinny jeans."

Laughs.

"Okay. I look three days younger. "

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"These... Oh! They're cutting off my circulation. Seriously, my ankles are tingling, my feet are asleep."

"You look hot!"

"It's just... Can I ask what this is about?"

"Just some retail therapy. "

"Right. And where am I supposed to put my phone?"

"Now... Okay, this jacket is dry clean only. Which means, if I'm not around, do not put this in the laundry."

"I know what that means y/n."

"Oh. Shit. Laundry. All right, so... In here." You walk to the washer and he asks:

"Really?"

" Okay, so... "

" I know how to turn it on."

"Yeah, but colors, whites, delicates."

".. Right."

"The dryer sometimes gets stuck, so, uh, you just give it two kicks. you kick it twice Right here. Like that. And it will generally unstick itself."

Sam kicks it twice.

"Exactly."

"Uh, this dial is the minutes. It tells you how much time you have left.......... um, If the time runs out..... before the clothes are ready, you just... turn the dial."

"Hmm. Wait." You say feeling uneasy.

" What?"

[groaning] "are you okay?"

You start coughing and head towards the sink. You start throwing up.

"yeah I have that effect on women." You both laugh. "Too soon...?"

You say "yeah too soon."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Her and her nightly what ifs. It was adorable though.

"What if I had run away and joined a cult?"

"I guess I would have to join too."

"What if relationships between cult members was frowned upon?"

"Like an asexual cult?"

"Yeah. And you couldn't do an intervention and get me out because I was totally brainwashed."

"Hmm. Well, I guess I would have to become a rival cult leader, re-brainwash you. according to my philosophy, and then steal you away into my cult, which would be a sex cult."

You start dying with laughter.

"What if I were exactly like me, except I had really terrible halitosis. I would get you a mint. Or I would destroy the olfactory receptors in my nose so that I didn't care."

....."What if I die?

"I would...

never recover." You guys cuddle and go to bed.

~~~~~ the next evening~~~~~~

You Sam and Dean are all In the same room.

"Should I be able to tell that you're circumcised in those jeans? 'Cause I can. And there's not a lot of, uh, room for imagination or your penis in those pants." You says.

"I don't want to go to this. I don't... I don't know anything about art."

You: "Yes you do. Would you relax? She just wants people there."

"Is she hot?" Dean asks.

"Trust me, Dean it will be a target rich environment." Sam answers.

"See? Come on, man. Free food, cute girls." Dean says.

~~~~~~~~~

"Come on, let's do this. " you say.

"How exactly do you know this artist again?"

"We met randomly at a cafe, and we really bonded and...

" When?"

' I... I don't know. I just... I don't want to disappoint her.

"Are you sure you can't come?" He asks you.

I- I don't feel up to it. Trust me.

"Okay. W... Well I'll go, just as long as you stop touching my hair.

"Hey, hey, hey, hey. "

'You're adorable." You say and he huffs a laugh. "Stop that!"

"Oh, he can move in them!"

"No, not really Dean."

Sam to Dean "you know i got a ring right before she told me she was 'pregnant and then now cancer."

"I didn't. You know you could still ask her."

"yeah she'll love that." he says sarcastically.

"it might give her some hope."

"yeah, maybe."

~~~~~~~In The car with myron outside the art meeting ~~~~~~~~~~

"Is he mingling?"

"He's admiring the art."

"Sam doesn't care much about art. Nah, he's just hoping if he keeps himself occupied with an activity, no one will actually talk to him."

[Myron] He's very good-looking.

Can I say that and not be awkward?

"Uh, yeah that's my whole point. What about you and your wife? How'd you two meet?"

"At a party."

"We were in college. We got hitched three years later. "

"That's it? No story?"

"The story came after. Getting married. Life. Building a home. Kids, grandkids."

"Sorry".

"It's okay. I won't know the difference, I guess."

"I just want those things for Sam."

"I have to hand it to you." Myron says.

"What?

"You are stubborn. This might be the worst plan in the world, but you're committed to it, and I like that."

"Yeah, well, don't be too impressed. Hasn't worked yet."

"I don't know about that." He says looking into the binoculars.

"What?" You look into the building.

"Let me see that." Sam is talking to Someone. "No, that's just the girl whose show it is."

[Myron] "So?"

"So she's just doing this as a favor to me. "

"So?"

"So, she's not his type."

"Yeah?"

You: "Oh, no. Don't do the snorty laugh.

"Ugh! He did the snorty laugh. Oh, he does that when he's... "

Myron : "When he's nervous."

"Happy."

"Here. Estelle's hot chocolate." Myron says ans hands you a coffee cup. "It cures whatever ails you. Except cancer."

He cheers "to the things we do for people we love."

~~~~~~~ bedtime ~~~~~

Sam walks in your shared bedroom. "I know you're not really sleeping. Because I know how your breathing sounds when you sleep. Which is something you don't even know about yourself."

laughs

"I know everything about you, y/n, But I have to say, you still know how to shock the hell out of me."

"What do you mean?"

"The clothes. The mixer. "

" Sam... "

"For the record, I am not a dummy. I know what's going on. And I went along with you trying to help me because I know it's helping you. But setting me up? Are you serious?"

"Please. You spend your life fighting monsters and researching all the time. Also always Looking after people."

"Sam, most people don't find what we had... have once, much less twice in a lifetime."

"What we have? You mean, a relationship where one person is... is lying, and sneaking around, and manipulating?*

" It's for your own good!"

"You just tried to manipulate my life! Or you mean a relationship where you have such a low opinion of me, that you truly believe that nobody else on the planet would ever fall for me."

"Obviously not. But that's the whole point!" You're gonna get swarmed, and it's gonna be impossible to find the right person!"

"I already found the right person! Or I thought I had." You

"Y/n/n's, I didn't... You know I didn't mean that. Hey, come here. are you okay?" He hugs you in the bed.

~~~~~~~~~ Sam and Dean sitting in the kitchen~~~~~~~

Sam: "What is she thinking? Does she think I'm completely clueless with women?"

"Dean?"

"No."

"Yeah? No.

" Wait, what?"

"you've just never seen me in action."

"Hm no, no and I never want to."

"What do I do?"

"Look, all you can do is be there for her, however you can. i mean, look, she's got to be scared out of her mind. And right now she needs to know that the worst thing happens.... That you are gonna be okay."

You and Myron go out bird watching. He speaks up : Are you ready to drop this mishigas with Sam?"

"You think I should?"

"Here's what I know: You don't have as much time as you think you do.*

" I don't?"

"No."

"What are you trying to say?" You ask heart racing.

"I'm not saying it, the Buddha did."

"I didn't realize you were Buddhist."

"I'm not, but it stuck with me. And it's true for you. It's true for every person on the planet."

[Myron] I need some snacks. Could you...

Oh. I can't believe you eat those things." You say handing him a bag of cheese curls.

"They're tasty."

"The chemo has clearly destroyed your taste buds."

"Try one".

"They're disgusting."

"Keep going. You get to tasty."

[crunches]. "The second bite is actually not as bad."

Myron: Good for you, too.

~~~~~ later at night~~~~

"Okay. Someone... who hikes." Sam says randomly.

"What?"

In the future, if I ever did this again, which I probably won't, but if I did, and if it makes you feel better to know, it would be with someone who hikes."

" We never hike."

'Because you hate it."

"That's not true."

"We took that one hike up Bear Mountain Six years ago, you complained the entire time."

"That's because hiking is boring. It's basically walking. And walking is something you do to get somewhere. Hiking from your car up a hill and then back to your car is totally pointless."

"Okay". he laughs.

"Duly noted." You say. "Hiking.

"Thank you."

"What else?"

" I like dancing." You scoff.

"I would like to try ballroom dancing classes. You know, like the fox-trot or the waltz, even though... "

"It's lame."

" I know you think it's lame."

''The fox-trot? Seriously?''

" Yeah!"

"How about something just moderately nerdy like swing."

"Is this person for you or for me?

"Okay.".

" Good. I get it. I'll update your profile.

"What profile?"

"This profile."

"God."

"You're welcome".

Next morning on a walk--

"So you've been pretending to be me?"

"you're sick you know that?"

"so?"

"okay so how do you like this profile picture?"

"you took a picture of me sleeping??"

"hey come on I've worked really hard on this. No? You don't okay fine. Want to take another one?"

"yeah let's take another one."

"Okay" he sits down on the bench and smiles. You press the button and bammm.

"what do you think of that?."

"oh it's good!"

"uh huh."

"do it in black and white."

Sam: "are you coming to bed?"

(glass shatters) "oh."

"y/n??" He walks in the room. "Y/n what is it?"

"It's broken."

" Oh, shit."

" It's broken."

"It's okay. We can just... We can get another one. It's fine."

'No, we can't! You gave it to me when we were kids.." you cry but he picks you up and takes you to bed. He holds you all night and lets you cry. He knows this can't be easy.

To be continued

[robotslovedeath]

woww i made a hp oc, thats great???

not to be a party pooper or anything but shes just casually killing her parents through some brainwashing. angst is real, my friends. basically, since shes muggleborn and been sorted into slytherin, everyone obv talks about her a lot behind her back and she hates it. voldermort hears about her through her being friends w other slytherins and the malfoys sometimes do talk about her, telling draco not to approach her bc shes a muggleborn. so thats when voldermort comes in and tells her she can help her, that she wont be known as a muggleborn anymore and a pureblood by joining them blah blah blah and then he finally gets her to kill her parents uwu

i swear its not just genderbend harry w the scar and all that, i genuinely didnt wanna make it like him anyway

Name: Ena Hax

When first coming to Hogwarts, she wanted to be named like other witches and wizards, not with a muggle name. She hated people making fun of her because of that. Since why she's now named more witch-like.

Age: Uhh depends. Can be set to any liking.

Date of Birth: 13 January 1980

Hair: Black-gray

Height: Set to any liking, depending on age

Eye color: Left, Orange-gold, right, white

She had lost her right eye color through being hit by being hit with the sectumsempra spell.

Year: Can decide.

House: Slytherin

Blood status: Muggleborn

Birthplace: 54 Getra Streets, London

Animal: Northern White-Faced owl

Patronus: Lynx

Roommate: N/A

Traits: Ena cares deeply about her relationships with friends throughout her house. After her parents' death, she had strangely enough been able to make a lot more friends than before. She had nearly face exclusion after Dumbledore and the rest of the professors had find out about what had happened with her parents. She works independently, and rejects any help people who try to help her. Even if she deems to be cold around others, she craves admiration and love. She may not seem like it, but she can sometimes be selfless for people she cares about. She can sometimes be indecisive, but finds her way in the end. Even though her friends despise them all, Ena found interest in the Trio and recently made friends with them. She still doubts Hermione.

Closest friends: Draco Malfoy, Pansy Parkinson, Blaise Zabini, Ron Weasley, Harry Potter

Old name: Ane Dalton

Mother: Ley Wilkinson (Deceased)

Father: Will Dalton (Deceased)

Siblings: Nessa Dalton (Muggle)

yikes, i hope its not to cringe sjdbdb im sorry if it is, im bad at this shit

[borderline-vent]

So I know this is a vent blog but honestly like

I'm really grateful to my fp for helping me learn how to handle not only my bpd, but my other personality disorders, too. Whether it's avpd or avpd traits is a little up in the air w my therapist right now- at this point the list is kind of long and we're focusing on managing symptoms rather than what precise label goes where - but npd is a definite. When I met my fp I was mostly just questioning npd traits; I realized as I learned more about it and talked more to my therapist that I have, like, The Whole Thing. You know how it goes.

I'm determined not to be my mother who I suspect has bpd and npd traits -probably not the whole disorder, but some of our thought patterns and perceptions have been pretty similar in that regard -and kind of ruins everyone's life she touches, including mine. She's badly fucked her own self over, her husband I really don't think she abuses but he also seems uninvolved in some pretty significant ways; he just kind of let her do whatever she wanted to us, believed her over us, and she hides some of her worst abuse from him- like hitting me with a hanger, and choking my sibling and throwing them to the floor to scream at them and not letting us tell him what happened. She's also just manipulative and controlling and blames everyone else for her negative feelings and anything that goes wrong, even (especially) when it's her fault (sort of how her throwing me into a wall as a teenager was my fault somehow... lol). So that's oart of my motivation to work hard with therapy and learn to manage all this stuff, but really put some focus into managing my narcissism. It's not going to benefit me, or anybody else, if I'm unselfaware and I just treat people like shit all the time -which I don't, but I don't ever want to, and there are always places I can improce as a person.

It's hard to be honest and fucking excruciating to be vulnerable. I have a huge ego and a massive rift in self-esteem, I can't confront shame (so I use other mechanisms to motivate me to adjust problematic behavior) and I'm incapable of self-compassion, which apparently is essential for healing your inner child or something. I guess my inner child is just going to have to stay broken, but I can work on other things.

Fp has aspd and npd, which I think I've mentioned here before; and he's conscientious enough and makes me feel comfortable enough to talk to him about new things in my life, even things that make me feel vulnerable. We don't have all the same symptoms of course, but we share several, and he's got a lot of experience learning how to manage comorbid personality disorders, and when I'm really struggling he's extremely helpful in clearing my perception- and often he's the only person I feel comfortable enough to talk to about it, given that childhood abuse gave me such trouble with trust. I've known him for nearly 2 years now, and he's only ever demonstrated more commitment to treating me well, and so I trust him. I mean, I don't /really/ trust anybody. But I trust him more than anyone else, and he's made me feel more comfortable being secure and he's never been malicious or gaslit me or been cruel to me or put me down or any of the shit some other people have done.

I've also learned a lot about how dysfunctional my family is- for instance, defensiveness to the point of making an ass of yourself instead of correcting your mistakes, seems to be a family trait. Stuff like that is pretty frustating, given I'm (still) too sick to work and I have to live with them (but with therapy and a purse full of medicine I'm getting there). I isolate here a lot, because communication breaks down so easily, and then I get frustrated, and I don't want to snap at people and I want to try to identify what I could do to smooth interactions; and some things I'm oversensitive to because they remind me of my abusive mother (but apparently I'm not allowed to say "hey please don't do this because I have a history with it happening to me in greater degree and it's bad" because then I get accused of comparing people to my mother... anyway I spend a lot of time by myself.

Recently I've been deep in a ptsd swing because an alter got a (shiny!new!) flashback to our csa and so we had a bad couple of weeks tbh but it seems like that's smoothing out now. I haven't had a flashback or a panic attack in a couple of days and the nightmares are better too.

And I've realized that a lot of what I was so worried about before -a lot of what I yelled about on this blog actually- was just... not all an inaccurate perception on my part, but that I noticed changes in communication with fp and reacted to them in a characteristically borderline way. I correctly registered that he seemed more withdrawn, was less warm, etc. And when we talked about it, he told me he still liked me just as much as ever, but he was depressed, like we'd been talking about, and he had less energy and he just hadn't been expressing it the way he had when he'd felt better. And that's something I'm familiar with, because it's super common with depression and I've withdrawn like that, too.

He told me this friendship, and his being my fp, is important to him and he wants to maintain it, and he was glad I shared my feelings with him, because he wants to know if there's a issue. I told him that while I didn't want to make him feel taxed while he's depressed (or at all), more expression would ameliorate my anxiety and make me feel more secure. He didn't blame me for feeling the way I did, didn't try to make it my fault (it wasn't anyone's fault; I have my symptoms and he has his and we communicate out limitations and work on issues together) just told me he appreciated me, my friendship, and my communicating with him, and he'd adjust his behavior to help remind me I was liked and valued. And he has, and his depression has gotten better with meds, and I feel better (and the fact he was so receptive and so willing to put in the effort also made me feel better) and he's helped me as I've been stressed over family drama (my mother having some drama with other family members- I need to figure out somehow who's telling the truth but it's gonna be uhhh stressful) and over the new piece of trauma we remembered (not good) and the worsening of ptsd symptoms.

I feel stable in our friendship, and have done for several weeks now, and that's been the defining trend of our friendship over two years. It's fucking hard for me to feel stable or secure in friendships, especially with fps and especially when I have strong romantic feelings for them, but he puts in a lot of effort to help me feel that way, /and to help me improve my baseline ability to feel that way./

Our friendship is predicated in many ways on what's most useful; for instance, it's beneficial to him to put in that effort because I feel better, and so there's less maintenance work he needs to do. That's not a drawback; we genuinely like each other and enjoy one another's company, and help each other a lot, and while it's not an empathetic friendship from his side, it's a kind ans supportive one, a safe one, a sheltering one, a comfortable and profoundly important one. It's the strongest and healthiest relationship I've ever had, and it's done as much or maybe even more than therapy has to get me through struggling times and improve the way I feel about myself and other people.

This is a long fucking post right now but like. I'm really grateful for this man. I always have been. I have strong emotional reactions to real or percieved abandonment, and I see it everywhere, but he never tries to make me feel bad for it, just helps me feel better. I yell a lot on this blog but there's a reason I haven't really posted here in a while (and other things go wrong elsewhere but I usually post about that on my other blog. That's where my ptsd and family vents went.) I have an as-soon-as-possible goal to get myself well enough to work, and save enough money to move so that I can live where he lives. I'll finally be away from toxic family (telecontact, I'm sure, but still a meaningful distance) and regularly able to see the most important person in my life, and I think that has a lot of potential to help with my mental health.