#and/or a qpp. idk. i still have a lot to figure out about myself.

[bat-the-misfit]

like i really really really wanna have a boyfriend but not a "man i'm in love with" type of boyfriend but a "this guy is my best friend forever also he is so handsome and cute and pretty and hot that i love looking at him and to give him little kissies and hold his hands bc he is my bestie" type of boyfriend

[bloggingboutburgers]

hi! so, uh, I wasn't really sure where to send this, but you seem nice and (hopefully) have some advice. I'm aroace, specifically sapphic-oriented cupioromantic ace, and I think I have a squish on this one girl. or maybe mesh? idk. all I know is that I really like her and want to be close to her, I think the word for me is alterous attraction? or maybe platonic or aesthetic, because I think she looks really cool too. honestly, I'm not really sure what the heck I feel :') could be a crush, squish, mesh, or just wanting to be friends. uhh anyways, I'm not really sure what to do about it. idk, I guess I want to become closer to her?

anyways, sorry for bothering you. basically I was wondering if you have any thoughts on what im feeling, what I should do, and also maybe how you and your qpp got into a qpr with each other? if u dont mind.

oh! and congrats on you engagement, your 'no one can know I dont like sex' comics make me smile and also have helped me figure out myself! thanks.

Hey!! I'm so sorry I'm replying to this ask so late T^T Kinda buried myself in other projects of let myself get distracted for this blog for a lil while... Either way I hope I'm not too late TwT And don't worry, you're not bothering at all!! (Also thank you so much for the kind words, they mean a lot TwT)

I guess... Whatever you do about it is up to you honestly, as vapid as that probably sounds of me! Heck, maybe you've already taken some steps since writing to me too, late as I am...

I also don't wanna put a label on how you feel, because it's a very personal thing, but I'll say – honestly you don't even necessarily NEED to put a label on it, not yet or not ever (whatever works for you), if you're not sure how to call it. The most important thing is if you're vibing with what you are, besides that you don't owe anyone any explanation. Though I guess it's also understandable to want to know what to call it if you're gonna bring it up to her... But also (maybe I'm naive, but yeah) I think there's nothing wrong with just sincerely saying you don't know how to call things yet either, even to her. I feel it'd be fair to both of you still, personally.

As far as me and my QPP, I didn't do anything – they were the one who realized they had a squish on me and took all the steps originally to get it going 🙈 Which they told me was definitely nerve-wracking! But yeah, their handle is @civiart if you want to reach out to them too for more advice, or they can also answer further questions here on my behalf, they told me whichever is fine with them^^

But also in case it helps, I've actually drawn how it went down for us here in the past, and I tried to elaborate a bit on my own experience of a QPR here and here!

And sorry again for being late TwT I wish you the best though!

[qpr-culture-is]

Hey there :)

I used to date this person who is really cool and amazing and I like them a lot but then we both realized we are aromantic and we broke up but now I still really like them and I guess I have a squish on them but idk how to tell them this they have been pretty distant and depressed lately and idk if I should bother them with it but also I really want to ask them to be in a qpr because I really miss being especially close to them and all that and it makes me sad I am not and I worry they will love someone else more than me and it might be toxic of me and obviously I won't stop them from doing what makes them happy but still I don't know how to bring it up, do I ask how they feel about me or if we are still close or what? I really need help it bothers me a lot, thank you regardless though and I hope you have a great day <3

There's a lot going on here so I'm just going to make a list of my responses to this (if that makes sense?) also I'd like to mention that I do bring up a few of my personal experiences in this (which apparently seems rude to some) and I promise this is just my way of being empathetic

1. You mentioned that they've been a bit depressed recently, so first of I'd try to figure out if they're even emotionally available. ik that being emotionally unavailable while being in a relationship can sometimes make things worse. if they are, you could always wait to possibly ask them in the future when they're doing better mentally. or if they are and you do end up in a qpr together, just make sure to be there for them

2. Being in a qpr is a great way to get close to and old friend, but from personal experience I will warn you that depending on how the current state of your friendship is, it might not work as smoothly as you might think, so I'd keep that in mind. I'm definitely not saying it will automatically go bad, just that there is that possibility that you won't be able to get as close as you'd like. I definitely feel like it could be worth the risk though, so don't let that possibility completely hold you back and more or less just keep it in mind

3. I had a bit of this problem in my past qpr and the biggest advice I can give is one) communication is key to any relationship and two) a lot of the overthinking is all in your head. I worried a lot that my qpp would end up liking someone much more than myself, but I was honest about this with them and we talked it over which really helped. if you do end up in a qpr with them, please make sure to communicate things like this, it really does help. and I don't feel like this is automatically toxic behavior but usually there is a point where it does become so (like when you're more possessive and easily jealous because of that worry so just be careful about it)

4. Getting and idea of how close you two are at the current moment definitely wouldn't be a bad idea, and I feel like you should kind of be direct about this (but ofc that's up to u). If you feel like you two are close enough for a qpr, there are a lot of ways to bring it up. perhaps explain the idea of qprs to them if they don't already know and slip in the fact that you'd like one. or you could show them a silly little qpr meme "jokingly" and see how they react. then of course you could always be more direct and ask them outright

I really hope this helped! please keep in mind this is just my view on the situation and you should do whatever you think feels right. if you have any other questions, please don't hesitate to ask:)

[aspecpplarebeautiful]

(tw mentions of trauma, no details of it)hi i need help i think or at least info dump if u dont mind :(

currently i identify as pan/biromantic because i love everybody (leaving sexuality out for now bc i think thats a bit more complicated) but recently i started doubting. i dont know if its bc im traumatized and i just have a hard time getting close to people enough to feel love or if i just dont do it at all? recently some1 im in a qpr has confessed their (romantic?) love for me and i loved them the best i could but i dont think it was enough. idk if it was a love language thing or if im not capable of showing the love they were talking about. i dont think i romantically like them (thats a whole other issue) but like what if i dont actually feel romantic love at all? i love my friends and i believe in platonic love and sometimes the line is blurred (like qprs). for example i have one friend who i really like (platonic?) and for me it is sometimes blurred but idk if its just a deep platonic relationship (qpr???) or if its a romantic type but i am just too scared to think that im romantic to him bc hes my friend and i dont want to ruin what we have. bc dont friends still hold hands and stuff :( i think abt stuff like kissing but im also scared of intimacy (trauma tingz) or maybe thats an aro thing??

i want to love romantically i think but like what if it isnt what i think it is? i realized im not sure what that feels or looks like anymore all i know is what ive seen in the movies--aromantic people are not broken!!!!! i truly believe that :) - but i feel broken?? like theres something wrong with me and i cant feel the same love like others. i dont understand whats happening or why im feeling this is :( maybe im on the aro spectrum? or maybe this is something to work out w a professional? im just so confused

any help or thoughts is greatly appreciated 🥺🥺

please take ur time w this ask!! i know its kind of,, a lot i kinda info dumped on u :( im so confused about myself

So let’s break this apart a bit.

First of all a lot of people have trouble distinguishing what is romance or not, or romantic attraction or not. And it’s really hard to define and explain, even by people who know they’re experiencing it. And for some people the lines are blurred or they genuinely can’t tell at all. So it’s hard in general, even without trauma making it difficult. 

If you’re interested, the faq for this blog goes into some detail about distinguishing romantic/platonic/alterous attraction. So that may be helpful for you. But honestly my biggest advice is to just check out aro forums/blogs/media etc and seeing if it’s relatable and taking your time, sometimes it needs to time to marinate before you can really tell you’re not experiencing an attraction, and don’t put too much pressure on yourself.

For the trauma, it can be really hard to separate out what’s trauma and what’s just how you’d have been anyways. And honestly, you don’t actually have to and that may be helpful. One way I like to look at it is if you match an experience or find a label useful, does it matter if there’s a cause? Also there’s always a cause, just is it the trauma specifically or some unique interaction of genes and other experiences that lead you to be this way? And the other thing if trauma is a factor could things change down the road? And the answer is maybe. But maybe someone else has a fluid orientation and it changes for them later too, it doesn’t make it less valid in the moment. 

So yeah maybe the reason you think you could be aro and you’re having trouble connecting to romantic feelings/attraction is trauma. But it doesn’t mean if you think aro woud be a useful label for you that you can’t use it. And it doesn’t mean you can’t keep healing and exploring either, but it’s up to you to decide what feels right. 

Remember that there is a different between feeling broken and being broken. And a lot of people when they’re first realising they could be aro feel broken, and it’s something a lot of people go through. It’s OK to have those feelings early on, but try and remember they’re feelings, and that doesn’t make them fact. Also one thing a lot of people have found have helped with those feelings is connecting to other aros and the aro community, and seeing aros who are cool people or happy or good with their identity can help a lot to feel less broken, and even if you decide you’re not aro in the end this can still be helpful and help take the pressure off when figuring out your label. That you can find happiness either way.

I can’t tell you how you should handle the situation with your qpp, except to say don’t be afraid to take the path that feels right for you. We live in a culture that really teaches a one way to happiness and to dealing with these situations, but there isn’t actually a wrong choice here, if you should try a romantic relationship or not. And honestly there’s risks either way, so it’s best to let your own feelings guide you. Sometimes we may make the wrong choice out of fear as well (and either choice could be that), but if that happens the important thing is you learn and you’re more ready next time a similar situation comes up. 

Should you get help from a professional? You absolutely can, and some people do find that helpful. Make sure you find a therapist who is open minded about aromanticism and aro identities and won’t push you towards allonormativity. And remember you can switch therapists or fire a therapist at any time if they’re doing that. Identity is really complicated and personal too though, so I wouldn’t say it’s necessary, but they may be able to help you navigate the trauma side of it better. But it’s up to you what path you think is best for you.

This is a lot of text, but to sum up, take your time and explore, and slowly things should start to make more sense, but don’t rush it. And try not to panic or be afraid of whatever identity ends up feeling right for you in the end. 

All the best and good luck!

[ilovemygaydad]

title: super cool

pairings: roceit, analogical, qpr remy/remus

summary: roman, who is a giant nerd, is pining after the most popular guy at school. 

word count: 2.4k

warnings: swearing, anger, frustration, crying, a couple of sexual jokes (skip the tiny scene that starts with remy speaking), sympathetic deceit, remus, threats (as jokes), self-deprecation, lying, meddling with relationships, shame, brief humiliation, embarrassment, the briefest food mention, slight misunderstandings, awkward conversations, and possibly something else

a/n: this was commissioned by the wonderful, lovely @adultmorelikeadolt who suggested that i write this after complaining about not having any ideas on what to write. this definitely has room for a second part, so... maybe i’ll write another? idk. maybe if i get an idea ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ also yes i know that there are a ridiculous amount of ace and aro people in this fic but guess what? idgaf!!!! ace!roman and aroace!pat, remus, and remy are all great and i’d be an idiot if i didn’t add them all in. not to mention a little bit of enby!logan!!!! i’m in love with them all so i get to make the rules

commission info (two slots for 50% off are still open!)

consider buying me a coffee

---

“Roman, stop being a fucking creep,” Virgil chided from his perch on Logan’s lap. He flicked an overcooked pea from his tray, which hit Roman square on the cheek.

“I am not being a creep,” Roman snapped, not taking his eyes off of the boy he was staring at. ���I’m admiring.”

Logan quirked an eyebrow, shifting their gaze between Roman and the boy across the courtyard. “I’m almost certain that you’re being a creep.”

“You’re biased because you’re Virgil’s partner! That’s not fair at all,” Roman huffed. He turned to look at Patton. “I’m not being a creep, right?”

“Well...” 

Roman gasped. He dramatically pressed the back of his hand to his forehead. “I can’t believe I’ve been betrayed by all of my friends! I thought you cared about me, but I was horribly mistaken!”

“Maybe if you didn’t awkwardly stare at Damien during lunch, we wouldn’t be having this conversation,” Virgil suggested.

“Well, it’s not as if I could talk to him!” Damien Taylor was easily the most popular guy at Sanders High. There was no chance in hell that Roman Fairfield, resident history nerd and drama geek, could so much as stand within five feet of him, let alone strike up a conversation.

Patton rolled his eyes. “It isn’t illegal to talk to him, you know. Just compliment him on his dress or something.”

“It isn’t that easy,” Roman griped. Damien was just so cool. He was suave and charming and unbelievably handsome, and he wore whatever he wanted with the confidence of a million superstars, regardless of the style or if it showed off his vitiligo. Nearly every boy, girl, and nonbinary person either wanted to date him, be him, or befriend him. He was practically irresistible, and despite the attention that he was given, Damien preferred his small friend group of Remy Xander and Remus Adams. Roman was simply another admirer. He wasn’t anything special like Damien obviously wanted.

“Stop doing that,” Virgil said, tearing Roman from his thoughts.

“Stop what?”

“The whole brooding thing.” Virgil vaguely waved his hands around. “I can practically hear the self-hatred from here.”

“Oh, whatever, Danger Days,” Roman hissed. He crossed his arms and turned away, more upset than angry. There was a bit of shuffling behind him, and within a few moments, Virgil’s arms had wrapped around his middle in a comforting hug. His resolve quickly crumbled, and he leaned into his friend’s side.

“We love and support you always, Ro,” Virgil whispered as he pressed a gentle kiss on the top of Roman’s head. “You are incredible.”

---

Despite Virgil’s sweet words at lunch, Roman felt anything but incredible. 

He had stayed after class for forty minutes to chat with his teacher, which was pretty standard, but when he’d tried to turn his car on afterward, the engine refused to turn on. He had half a mind to call one of his friends to drive him home, but Virgil and Logan had mentioned earlier that they were going on a date, and Patton’s sister would be less than pleased to have to turn around to pick up one of her brother’s “weird friends.” So Roman was stuck, and he felt pretty damn shitty about it.

“Stupid car,” he muttered as he kicked angrily at one of his tires. “Stupid old car that’s held together by duct tape and safety pins!”

“You look upset,” someone said behind him, and Roman whipped around to find Damien standing there with Remy and Remus a few feet behind him, holding hands.

Oh, shit.

“Um, yeah, I guess. My car broke down, and all of my friends have left already.” He awkwardly gestured at the mostly-empty parking lot.

“I can help.” Damien walked around to the front of the car, waving Remy to follow. Roman absolutely did not stare as Damien’s yellow dress swirled around his legs like liquid sunshine. “I’m good at finding the problem, and Remy is just fantastic at the actual fixing.”

“Oh, um, thank you.”

Remy slid his shades into his hair with a bored expression. “It’s no problem, doll. Can you pop the hood for me?”

Roman nodded and did as he was told. While Damien and Remy poked around the engine, he sat on the pavement beside his car to watch. Remus, who had been explicitly told by Remy to not touch anything, searched for bugs in the grassy area a few feet away, occasionally making random, lewd comments to his QPP. Remy would retaliate by rolling his eyes and giving Remus the finger, and Damien seemed completely unfazed by their antics.

“So good news,” Damien said fifteen minutes after they had started. “I figured out what’s wrong.”

“And?”

“I can’t fix it,” Remy answered. He spouted off a bit of technical nonsense about how something had broken and would need to be replaced, which Roman didn’t get at all except for the underlying message that his car was still fucked up, and he still didn’t have a way to get home.

“Shit, okay.” Roman rubbed at his eyes in frustration. If he hadn’t been in the company of the three most popular kids at school, he probably would have started crying right then and there. “Okay. Thanks for trying to help.”

He heard the hood slam closed, followed by the retreating voices of Remus and Remy, but he still didn’t move. Hot tears started to well up in his eyes, and he internally kicked himself for feeling so upset. It wasn’t even that big of a deal that his car had broken down, yet he was crying like a baby. He sniffled and scrubbed harshly at his eyes. Thank god that Damien and his group had left already.

His momentary thankfulness, however, was shattered as crunching footsteps approached him. His eyes snapped open, and Damien was standing above him with his hand outstretched. Roman was caught between feeling shameful and confused.

“What are you doing?” he asked dumbly.

Damien rolled his eyes. “Attempting to help you up.”

“Why...?”

“Do I seriously need a reason to lend you a hand?” Impatience was starting to grow in his mismatched eyes, and Roman reached up before Damien decided that it wasn’t worth his time.

“Sorry, I just thought that you’d left with your friends,” Roman said, shoving his hands into his pockets as soon as he was on his feet.

“No, they...” Damien trailed off, looking in the direction that Remus and Remy had gone. “They have plans.”

“Oh. Well, thanks again for trying to help.”

“It’s no problem.” Roman could have sworn that an uncomfortable expression flashed over Damien’s face for a split second, but he unfalteringly continued, “Would you like a ride home?”

Roman’s eyes widened in shock. Damien Taylor was offering to drive him home. “You don’t have to, really--”

“Let me rephrase that. Would it be okay if I took you home? I would rather you not be stuck here for god knows how long.”

Whatthefuckwhatthefuckwhatthefuck--

“Uh, yeah, sure. That’s fine.”

“Great,” Damien said, smiling gently. “My car isn’t very far.”

“Cool...”

They were silent for the whole twenty second walk to Damien’s car, but once they were sat down, Damien spoke up. “Why didn’t you call your friends to get you? I don’t know much about them, but I feel like they would have been happy to help.” He put odd emphasis on the word “friends,” but Roman brushed it off.

“Patton gets a ride from his sister, and I didn’t want to make her turn around to pick me up. Plus, I think she ‘blames’ me for Patton being aroace since I came out as ace to him, which led to him learning about that whole spectrum in the first place, so she probably would’ve been unpleasant about driving me home. I probably could’ve asked Logan no problem, but they said they were going on a date with Virgil this afternoon. I didn’t want to bother them.”

“Why would you be bothering them?”

Roman burst out laughing, but after a few seconds of Damien not joining in, he stopped. Damien’s brow was furrowed, and Roman realized that he was serious. “What do you mean? It’s a date.”

“Yeah. Aren’t you dating Logan and Virgil?”

“Oh,” Roman exhaled. “No, I definitely am not.”

“Oh,” Damien parroted. A dark blush appeared on his cheeks in clear embarrassment.

“It’s easy to make that mistake, though,” Roman rushed in an attempt to dispel the awkward feeling in the car. “I mean, Virgil is a very touchy-feely kind of guy, and Logan is obviously dating Virgil, so... It’s not a complete stretch to assume that I was dating them.”

Damien nodded mechanically. “Right, well... Where do you live?” 

Roman told him his address, and the entire ride there was silent.

---

“I really don’t know why you’re so upset about it,” Remy drawled. “He’s single. Didn’t you want that?”

“Yes, but I made a complete idiot out of myself!” Damien groaned, flopping onto Remy’s bed.

Remus sat down next to him with an evil smirk. “Dami, you shoulda seen the way he looked at you when you walked past him. It was like he just wanted to reach up your skirt and--”

“I suggest that you stop talking if you want your heart to continue to beat.”

“Kinky!”

Remy glared at Remus and said, “Seriously, though. The guy looked like he was about to faint when you offered to help. I’m no expert in romantic attraction, but I think he’s into you.”

“He was probably intimidated by me like everyone else at this stupid school is!” Damien rolled over and pressed his face into a pillow. “He’s just so fucking pretty.”

“Well,” Remus laughed. “At least now that you’ve seen his pretty face up close, you’ll have ‘shower-nozzle mastur--’”

“REMUS!”

“God, you’re such a buzzkill!”

---

Patton peeked around the corner of the hallway again. Damien was packing up his things, and neither Remy nor Remus were in sight, which was ideal for Patton’s plan. He waited until Damien pulled the zipper shut on his backpack to run over, using the acting skills that he had learned from Roman to look scared and upset.

“Damien, oh my goodness, I need your help!”

The boy in question looked up, surprised. “Uh, what’s wrong?”

“I was in a practice room, and a spider just came out from nowhere, and no one else is around, and I need you to get rid of it for me!” Patton rushed, clinging to Damien’s arm like it was a raft. In reality, the only thing in the practice room was Roman, who was under the assumption that Patton was going to show up to play piano for him, but what was a little bit of meddling between friends? 

Okay, so maybe Patton felt bad for meddling with Roman’s love life, but Roman had called him up the night before fretting over “messing everything up,” which was just absurd in Patton’s opinion. He shared a class with Damien, and the amount of times he’d caught glimpses of the popular boy doodling Roman’s name in his notebook was honestly bordering on an absurd number. Patton had two pining idiots on his hands, so since neither of them were going to make a move, Patton was simply going to... nudge them in the right direction.

“Oh, um, okay,” Damien said.

“Thank you so much!” Patton began to drag Damien to the practice room, talking the whole way there so he wouldn’t ask any questions. “It was so scary! I was just playing the piano, and this huge black spider started crawling on the top end keys! It just showed up out of nowhere like the big, scary, creepy-crawly death-dealer that it is! I’m so glad that you’re willing to help me, Damien. All of my stuff is in there--oh my gosh! What if it’s in my bag? That would be dreadful! Oh, here we are!”

They stood in front of the plain wooden door of the practice room. Patton grabbed Damien by the shoulders and gave him the most serious expression that he could muster. “Damien, I wish you the best of luck in your task. However, if you are taken by the spider, I will not help you.”

“O-okay...?”

“Great! Thanks again!” Patton chirped as he flung the door open, pushed Damien inside, and pulled it shut again. He took out the keys that he had borrowed from the band teacher and locked the door, silently hoping that Roman would forgive him after everything.

---

Roman looked up, shocked to see Damien stumble through the door of the practice room, who looked equally surprised to see him. “Um, hello?”

“Hi.”

“Why are you in here?”

Damien awkwardly looked back to the door. “Uh, your friend Patton told me that there was a spider that he needed me to kill in here.”

“He must have been mistaken. I’ve been in here since school let out, and he told me he was running late to meet here--” Roman cut himself off in realization. Oh, that son of a bitch! “Patton lied.”

“What?”

Roman stood from the piano bench, striding to the door. He tried the knob, and like he had suspected, it didn’t budge. “He tricked us into the practice room!” He kicked the door in frustration.

Damien looked very confused and alarmed. “Why would he do that?”

“Because I have a crush on you, and that bastard is trying to get me to confess--” He clamped his hand over his mouth in horror as he realized what he was saying. To escape the disapproving glare that Damien was bound to give him, Roman turned away, hugging his arms round his waist. He could feel heat pricking at the corners of his eyes in the tell-tale sign that he was ready to bawl his eyes out. It would be super cool of him to cry in front of Damien twice. Not weird at all.

“You... have a crush on me?”

“Don’t,” Roman choked out. “Just forget I said anything.”

Damien shifted around behind him, and a hand gently landed on his shoulder. “Roman, will you please look at me?”

Slowly, he turned his head to look at the other boy, painfully aware of the redness of his eyes and nose and cheeks. There was a softness in Damien’s gaze, and Roman was only able to keep his mouth pressed into a firm line for the few moments that led up to Damien’s hand moving to cup his face.

“I, um... I actually have a crush on you, too.”

Roman felt like all of the air had been sucked out of his lungs. “Really?”

“Yeah. I really, really do.”

They smiled at each other for a few moments when the lock on the door clicked. Roman took Damien’s hand that wasn’t on his face and said, “How about we get out of here and talk about things over coffee?”

Damien grinned. “I think that sounds great.”

[royal-duality]

Don’t Let Me Lose Myself

A/N: I wrote some Roman angst already, so have some Patton angst!!! I’ll probably do Logan next. Idk yet :/

Warnings: Lots of talk of gender dysphoria and general body dysphoria

Word Count: 1470

Pairing(s): LAM(With platonic P)

Summary: Patton wants to lose weight, but he's scared that losing weight will cause him to lose who he is.

------

The air was cold against his skin as he stared at his figure in the mirror. The binder pressing against his skin tightly, hiding what made him, her. Because he wasn’t her. He never was and never would be. Appearances were very deceiving even to the eye of the owner.

He locked gazes with his reflection, staring at the chubbiness of his body. He had been wanting to lose weight for a while. As much as the others claimed he was handsome, and his chubbiness was more than welcome, he still wanted to lose weight.

Sure, he’d never be as thin as Virgil or as buff as Roman, or as proportionate as Logan. But part of that was because he wasn’t like them. His body was completely different. The thought of starting testosterone and going through hormone replacement therapy had crossed his mind more than once. But part of him didn’t want to, not yet at least. Which sounded so wrong to his own ears, and he burst into tears when he told the others. Of course, they all supported him, assuring him that it didn’t make him any less of a man.

He poked at the pieces of fat that filled over and under his binder. He really did want to lose weight though. Partially because he wanted to stay healthy and live a long happy life with his friends and family. Especially for his boyfriends/qpp.

However, the one problem that stood in his way, the only thing keeping him from even trying to lose weight, was that he didn’t want to look more feminine. It was a stupid fear because he knew that losing weight and being more healthy should be more important than his stupid fears, but he just couldn’t bring himself to do it.

He was too afraid that if he lost the roundness in his face, or the chub around his waist that made his hips stand out less, that he would begin to look more like her, rather than who he was.

Even more so, he didn’t want to see how pretty he looked and forget that he was a boy. Because what if he looked better as a girl? What if he was just desperate for attention and called himself a boy to gain it? What if it was all a lie? A facade that would break as soon as he saw his cheekbones and jawline that was too rounded and smooth? The waist that curved in, just slightly more than the average man?

Tears streamed down his face as he hugged himself tightly, his gaze never leaving the reflection that showed him what he failed to be.

A knock on the door sounded before Virgil’s voice came through. “Hey, Pat, everything okay in there?” His voice was low as he spoke but filled with concern that flooded Patton’s veins that flowed with ice, sending warmth racing through his skin and leaving a small smile on his face.

“Yeah, kiddo, I’m okay!” He replied, fake cheer in his voice, hoping Virgil wouldn’t notice. He should have known better, this was Virgil, probably the only one who could and would call bullshit when anyone lies or tries to pretend they’re fine when they’re not. Patton almost felt bad, he knew Virgil hated lies, if only because someone always got hurt by them.

He heard a sigh from outside the door and hunched his shoulders preparing for a lecture when Virgil spoke again, his voice small and quiet as it barely passed the barrier of the door, “Let me in, Pat.”

Patton clenched his eyes shut, willing away the tears that threatened to spill down his cheeks once more, as he pasted a smile on his face and opened the door, one arm still wrapped around himself. “Hey, kiddo-” “Don’t.” He stopped, his smile faltering slightly as he stared at Virgil who stared at him worriedly, his expression stone as he glared at Patton in concern. It was such a Virgil thing to do.

Patton let his smile drop as Virgil opened his arms, allowing Patton to just flop into the embrace where he was held warm against the other’s boney chest. “You’re too skinny Virge.”

He felt the other man’s chest rumble as he chuckled. “You still let me hug you, so I think I’m just the right amount of skinny.” Patton hummed against the other man’s chest. “Do you wanna tell me what’s going on?” His boyfriend asked, his voice soft as he tightened his grip around Patton.

The two stood in silence for a moment as he mulled over the pros and cons of discussing such an issue. Part of him wanted to and knew he should talk to someone about it, and who better than the man who practically lived his life in fear. But at the same time, part of him was scared that Virgil would laugh at him or be disgusted by the thought of Patton looking more feminine in figure.

Letting out a sigh, Patton closed his eyes and pressed himself closer to Virgil, as though trying to burrow into the other man.

“I want to lose weight.” Silence. He pulled away just enough to see Virgil blink down at him in confusion.

“Okay?” He drew the word out as his brows furrowed in thought. “Are… I, don’t understand Pat. Is that why you were crying?”

A blush lit up the chubby man’s face as he buried his nose into Virgil’s chest once more. “No! Yes? Kind of, but not really…” He let out a huff of frustration as he tried to get the words to come out. “I just, if I lose weight that means I’ll lose all the fat that hides the parts of me that don’t belong. I’ll look like a girl.” His voice broke as he ranted about how he felt.

“And I’m scared that if I look in the mirror and see that I look more feminine, I’ll realize that I’ve been lying to everyone including myself this whole time. I don’t want to be a girl again Virgil, but I’m scared that if I look pretty and feminine, then I’ll realize that I only wanted to be a boy because I was such an ugly, fat girl! I don’t want to lose you or Logan or Roman because I won’t be a guy anymore!” By the point he had finished ranting, his words had devolved into sobs as he broke down against the other man who just held him tightly in his arms.

They stood there for a long time, Patton sobbing against the thin man’s chest, his hands tangled in the other’s black and purple patchwork hoodie as he rocked them both to soothe the sobbing man. Through sobs and sniffles, he heard the telltale voice of the man as he sang quietly to him, his voice higher than most would assume, but still holding a dark tone to it.

After a while, Patton’s sobs began to die down. He felt Virgil pull away slightly and only gripped the man closer to him, afraid that he would leave and never return. A soothing sensation filled him as the other squeezed him gently and shushed his whimpers. “It’s okay, Patton. I’m not gonna leave you. Nobody else will either.”

Heaving, one last deep breath, he relinquished his hold on the man’s hoodie, pulling away before wiping his tears away with his fist.  “You don’t know that.”

Virgil chuckled before reaching over and ruffling his curly, strawberry blonde hair. “Yeah, I do you dork. Look, I don’t really understand how you feel, I can’t imagine how difficult and confusing it must be to feel so lost about your gender. And I may not be as smart as Mr. Textbook, but if there’s one thing I do know it's that none of us would give you up. Not in a house, not for a mouse.” Patton let out a snort of amusement, making Virgil’s lips quirk.

“You know that none of us are strictly dickly-” Patton swatted him on the arm with a slight glare even as amusement flooded his features “-so if you decide that you are indeed a girl, then our relationship won’t change much if at all. But Patton, no matter how you look, chubby or skinny, feminine or masculine, or whatever the hell else that doesn’t fit into those stupid labels, we all love you. And we’re all going to support you no matter what. You’re famILY.”

Tears welled in both their eyes as they stared at each other. “You’re such a door -k,” He said as he knocked on the door, causing Virgil to groan fondly as Patton giggled. “Thank you, Virge.” He leaned up and kissed his boyfriend’s cheek before holding his hands tightly in his own.

[ironmanstan]

Screams

Bc LIKE. i am just a guy i dont know things but also you have like these two distinct things and specific terms and I feel like they get conflated and seen as the same a lot of the time but then like you wonder do autistic ppl have a harder time finding the difference and nuance between them bc even though we tend to be kind of forced to be introspective once we're constantly shown we're different from everybody else, we still struggle to comprehend what we see in ourselves and to have a solid sense of understanding/identity without outside tools in the first place (hence having the special interests) so it makes sense that a lot of the time they get seen as the same by people who HAVE them bc then it's a struggle to either tell if these things feel different or if we experience them both at all, and even then even if we can recognize they feel different, then it's a matter of recognizing why they feel different.

Bc like if you take me for example I've fixated on so many things through my life but the way I've figured out how to tell which things are like my core interests/spins is whether or not I can be passively into them and still be tied to them in ways I cannot untangle.

I was into hades game for a whiiile and I'll see fanart and reblog it still but it's a game I enjoy that I hyperfixated on at one point. I dont see art and get my brain like reignited or anything outside of like an urge to play again, it's a lot like me with ace attorney and a couple other games where I got DEEPLY into them for a moment but I'm probably not going to get super fixated on them again until i finally give in and play them and the hyperfixation returns. Even apex legends is almost like this for me especially the more I get annoyed at the direction the game goes in, but I think my love for titanfall 2 (the game that came before apex) and the connection they share still keeps me deeply tied to it plus just, the impact the game had on me (i met my one qpp bc we were looking for people to play apex with lmao) and just the love i have for the characters is something that I think still pushes it to spin territory albeit loosely.

Vs something like... art. Art is perfect for this actually. I'd say art is my biggest spin 100% and it's the perfect example of me passively still being into something. I hardly ever talk about art and for the most part I don't even draw like a crazy amount but i am Always Thinking About It or in terms of it.

My phone is full of pictures of myself for the sole purpose of me having references of different angles to draw faces at. Half the time when Im trying to get myself to understand a concept if I loop it back around to art suddenly I can understand it. I'll have my stupid internal monologue while I'm cooking or something being like "hm i need to make this but like if i lowered the opacity on this part of the dish" which makes zero fucking sense now that i say it but I'll understand what I mean.

It's also me really not drawing or sketching all too often but everytime I see a drawing I'll glance over it and analyze what I like about it and I learn just from that, just from looking at somebodys art and trying to calculate in my head how they did something I like so that I can reproduce it way in the future, long after I've forgotten even looking at whatever drawing it was. Also the fact that no matter what state of mind I'm in I will always be able to talk in depth about drawing and art techniques and will go on as long as anyone will listen, its something I'll never fall out of no matter how little I actively partake in it because it's become such a core part of me as a person that I cannot separate myself from it, i can go through art block but i will never lose art as a fixation or a piece of me.

Idk i just think !!! Its an interesting thing to think about! Not everyone feels hyperfixations and spins like I do we're all different people lol and I don't know if im necessarily "right" about it but i think its like a cool concept i dont rly see people discuss

I wonder if th difference between special interests and hyperfixations comes down to like the reason behind em bc like it'd make sense then why most ppl agree you can have hyperfixations with autism but you can't typically have special interests with ADHD.. bc hyperfixations tend to be like, seeking out stimulation whichs why losong a hyperfixation can be so upsetting bc you're losing that stimulation for your brain that ADHD/Autism makes you seek out.. vs a spin (special interest) where you CAN fall in and out of focusing on it but its a regular and long running interest that doesn't necessarily leave you because it's not there for stimulation moreso that it's a part of your identity/something to ground or comfort you as you go through the world. Bc like i feel like this is why spins typically are seen as a more core and permanent thing bc they're usually something that either strongly corresponds to you as a person, or you build your personality around it and incorporate it into your life to the point that it's not easily detachable from you? Not even just in an identity sense but in a lot of things from like shaping your career around an interest to decorating based on an interest surrounding yourself in it

[ultiimate-chimera]

All 50 Unless you can figure out who and message me-

i’m pretty sure i know who this is but i’ll do it anyways- also fight me-

Do you prefer writing with black or blue pen?

Already answered!

Would you prefer to live in the country or the city?

Country tbh, but just outside a city too, primarily for convenience (also I hate long travels)

If you could learn a new skill, what would it be?

this doesn’t specify if it means actual possible skill here s o shapeshi f t-

Do you drink your tea or coffee with sugar?

I only drink tea but f UCk do i ever drown it in sugar

What was your favourite book as a child?

I have like 0 memories of my childhood so idk? I really liked the Where’s Waldo books though lmao-

Do you prefer baths or showers?

Already answered! 

If you could be a mythical creature, which would you choose?

I wOULD B E A SHAP E S HIFT ER

Do you prefer reading paper or electronic books?

Already answered! 

What is your favourite item of clothing?

scARVES tbh?? and necklaces too if the chain isn’t scratchy or catches ur hair easily. also sweaters are a necessity

Do you like your name? Would you ever change it?

g od no I hate my name tbh. and yes I plan on changing it sometime but I’m not 100% certain what to change it to yet-

Who is a mentor to you?

l ots of people tbh?? @buttercupforgiveness and @underkinsans were the first people to approach me when I first made this blog and had little to no understanding of how2kincommunity so I’m thankful for that- and I still tend to go to buttercupforgiveness for clarification on some kin things every now and then so-

but otherwise aside from in terms of tumblr, I guess my qpp and my dad ?

Would you ever want to be famous? If so, what for?

Already answered! 

Are you a restless sleeper?

YE S gosh I need to shuffle around like every 5 seconds I just cannot stay still ever-

Do you consider yourself a romantic?

Not really ?? I wouldn’t say so but-

Which element best represents you?

Already answered! 

Who do you want to be closer to?

uHH well for one I’d like to maybe talk to @funnybone800 more sometime cause they great but I suck at conversing and friendshipness but. aND basically all my mutuals? y’all are gr8 i hope u all have a nice day

Do you miss someone at the moment?

I feel like I do but I don’t know who if that makes sense? I can’t really pinpoint it and memory is bad so

Tell us about an early childhood memory.

s o one time when my dad and mom were still together i tried making them breakfast at like 7 am when i was a small child who couldn’t even reach the freakin. stove top. i managed to get the egg carton and drop it on the floor. fun times.

What is the strangest thing you have eaten?

squid

What can you see outside your bedroom window?

a stupidly tall fence, the neighbour’s line of trees, a trampoline, some sorta big swing thingy, and lawn chairs.

What are you most thankful for?

uhh. friens.

Do you like spicy food?

YES but I hATE the burning sensation

Have you ever met someone famous?

Nope, not that I remember.

Do you keep a diary or journal?

A physical diary/journal, nope. I do journal kin memories on my phone though! I have bad memory lol-

Do you prefer to use pen or pencil?

Pen, tbh. I’ve never been a fan of the freakin noises pencils make when you write with them. just sounds bad-

What is your star sign?

Leo! 

Do you like your cereal crunchy or soggy?

Crunchy, I hate the texture of soggy cereal-

What would you want your legacy to be?

? ??? ??

Do you like reading? What was the last thing you read?

I do really like reading, but I never have the patience for it to do it often- and I last read Kitchen by Banana Yoshimoto!!

How do you show someone you love them?

hU GS AND POSITIVE MESSAGES

Do you like ice in your drinks?

YEA I always crunch on the ice once I finish the drink

What are you afraid of?

p eople in general and embarrassing myself publicly

What is your favourite scent?

Already answered! 

Do you address older people by their first or last name?

First name, unless it’s a teacher (primarily out of habit lol)

If money was not a factor, how would you live your life?

b inch i would be moving to different countries every y ear

Do you prefer swimming in pools or in the ocean?

Ocean tbh? It feels a lot more open n free. unless something fucking touches your leg while you’re underwater-

What would you do if you found $50 on the ground?

mine now-

Have you ever seen a shooting star? Did you make a wish?

I’ve seen a ton tbh!! I used to make wishes all the time on em when I was a kid.

What is one thing you would want to teach your children?

I would teach em that it’s okay to express emotions even if people are assholes abt it tbh

If you had to have a tattoo, what would it be and where would you get it?

i uhhhh. would probably get a buttercup tattoo on my wrist maybe or somethin

What can you hear right now?

The hum of my computer’s fan, the wind outside, the TV, and my cat occasionally meowing.

Where do you feel the safest?

in forests-

What is one thing you want to overcome/conquer?

my shitty mo m-

If you could travel back to any era, which would you choose?

I would n ot tbh. not gonna mess with time im content with where everything is thank you very much lol-

What is your most used emoji?

🅱. self-explanatory lmao

What is your favourite season? Why?

Autumn and winter!! The colours are really pretty and I can’t stand hot weather so

How would you spend your ideal day?

buying a fuckton of shit ive wanted and also leaving home-

Describe yourself using one word.

gay

What do you regret the most?

probably lots of things that’re in my repressed memories now lol-

Invent your own word. What does it mean?

“Misprae”, to miss someone from a past life.

[livebloggingmydescentintomadness]

Would you mind explaining autism more in depth? Anything about it really, because I need help. I was wrongly diagnosed with anxiety then rediagnosed with ocd, but as I learn more about autism I feel like that describes me more? I read that autism is often misdiagnosed as ocd, so I'm just a little worried my therapist is wrong again? Idk, I just wanted (if you don't mind, of course but if not, that's alright) you to explain firsthand what autism is like for you.

I’m really sorry you’ve been misdiagnosed! I’ve been misdiagnosed in the past, and it’s so difficult. But I can tell you that autism being misdiagnosed for lots of other things is extremely common, especially for girls/AFAB people, because sexism is alive and well in the medical community. There are even doctors who claim that girls “can’t” be autistic, because ??? There’s also the issue that autism is often comorbid with other neurodiversities, including anxiety and OCD.

Basically, autism is a different neurotype. Our brains are wired differently than allistics, and this makes us feel, think, and act in certain ways that society perceives as “abnormal” and “weird”, even “wrong”, but it’s really just another way of being a person. It can be considered a disability, and it can cause problems and pain, but we’re still normal people.

This post lists the most common of autism traits, and this post is a more in-depth version explaining autism. If it’s easier for you to watch a video, you can watch What is Autism? This comic does a really great job of explaining the oft-mentioned ‘spectrum’. This post is an introduction to the autistic community, and this page and this page are two masterpost answering a bunch of common questions. While I’m at it, here’s a self-diagnosis masterpost, and my autism traits tag.

So that’s all from other people, but what is autism for me? Realizing that I’m autistic was like a dozen lightbulbs blinking on, it was a hundred “there’s something wrong with me, I’m not the same as everyone else, I don’t fit in” turning to “I understand now why I am this way, it’s okay for me to be this way, and there are others who understand”. It was finding out at the age of 28 that all these weird silly things I do or think or say aren’t weird and silly, they’re just autistic, and there’s a GOOD REASON for it.

Autistics tend to have either high or low empathy, and while I’ve always had high cognitive empathy (recognizing what emotions others are feeling), I’ve always had low affective empathy (feeling the same emotion that someone else is feeling), so I’ve always felt awkward and uncomfortable around displays of emotion, like crying. I’m also not good at displaying emotion myself, or making facial expressions; I’ve taken to sometimes announcing what expression I’m trying to make, because it doesn’t always make it across. “Sympathy face,” I say when my mom tells me she’s tired. 

I can fake social interaction pretty decently now, but I had a really difficult time making friends as a child and teenager - I didn’t have a true, close friend until I was 17 and met my QPP online. I knew a lot of nice kids who liked me okay, but I could just never connect to them personally or figure out how to establish a friendship, and I always felt like the odd man out. I always connected better with older kids, even adults; when I was 15, it was so much easier for me to talk to a 40 year old than someone my own grade. 

Sensory issues were the biggest clue that led me to realizing I’m autistic. (This post explains what sensory issues for autistics are like.) There’s sort of a duality to sensory issues that I can best sum up as, “Bad texture is BAD. Good texture is GOOD.” ‘Texture’, however, here means anything related to any of your senses - audio, visual, touch, taste, smell, etc. I’ve always had really sensitive ears, and I HATE loud noises, especially high-pitched ones, and Bad Sounds can make me slap my hands over my ears and start panicking. I can’t stand it when people talk too loud, when children scream, when the volume is up too high, when a motorcycle engine roars, or anything discordant or chaotic.

But on the other hand, my favorite stim is to listen to my hard rock/heavy metal playlist. I turn up a band like Disturbed or Avenged Sevenfold and the tension melts away, and it actually helps to keep me calm in stressful situations. It’s loud and aggressive, but they’re Good Sounds, they hit my ears just right, they have a rhythm and a melody that works for me. It’s as if I need this Good sort of loud noise to counteract the Bad sort of loud noise.

I also hate bright lights, artificial fragrances, and I’m extremely sensitive to the texture/material of my clothes. They have to be 100% cotton, I can’t wear polyester or anything else that isn’t breathable, and they should be heavy cotton, not the super light fabric that’s all thin and clingy. I can’t wear button-downs, because the seam of buttons bothers me. The only way I can tolerate wearing a bra is by actually wearing a snug camisole underneath it, because several years ago I hit my limit on being able to tolerate a sweaty bra clinging to my skin without screaming and ripping my flesh off. 

That might sound like me being dramatic, but sensory issues for autistics really are that intense of a sensation, often becoming not an annoyance, but literal pain. I’m a very calm, quiet person, but someone screaming in my vicinity makes my brain shut off, and I’m nothing but “stop stop stop stop” until it stops. The feeling of clothes clinging to my skin with sweat makes me feel like I’m about to Hulk out, because I just can’t fucking stand it. I can’t function when bad sensory input is dominating my awareness.

There’s plenty more things, but I’ve already been rambling a while and hopefully some of this has been useful to you. If you want me to elaborate on anything, feel free to ask.