#and yet I cannot shut up

[whumpty-dumpty-doo]

Late night mush-brained I-really-need-to-edit-this-draft-because-this-is-probably-all-way-too-much-irrelevant-information late night thoughts

[inkskinned]

i'm still trying to piece together the truth of it. when you left, you said: feel free to spin this narrative however you want. i have no idea if you were being cruel or if you just genuinely don't remember what you've done to me.

it's hard because i'd done so much of the work for you. i had seen the parts that flaked off, the rust underneath. i started separating you into two people - the one i loved, and the one who hurt me. i had this fantasy version of you - my partner - and then i had this stranger, a third person who would show up randomly to shatter me. i am deliriously glad i'm no longer with "the stranger". i miss the gentle (unreal?) "other" you terribly.

at first, i was so strict about my boundaries. i remember telling you to get the fuck out of my house if you were going to talk to me like that. by the end: i would justify your behavior for you, accepting even your mistreatment as "my fault" in the grand scheme. i look back on the person i was before you - smart, independent, confident - and i feel a strange sense of detachment. i don't even recognize me.

even in one of our last conversations, you said: if you want a partner that always talks warmly to you, find someone else. there was a time that a comment like that would have made me leave. and instead, somehow, i just placidly accepted that kind of thing. you were literally telling me that i wasn't allowed to have a reaction to your cruelty - and i just took it, because you'd so fully turned things around on me.

when people are faced with irrationality, a rational brain tries to make sense of it. this is the trap. they're lovely in the morning, gentle and blue-eyed and sweet. like nothing even happened, they breeze around the house and kiss you on the mouth. but at night; who is that? they snap almost randomly; flying into an impotent rage about just-about-anything. it just doesn't make sense. so the problem must be me, and my brain, and how i think.

the traumatized brain just wants peace. so maybe i'm misremembering. maybe you were just having a bad day. maybe it's actually me.

you eventually would fully turn on me and start implying that i am the bad actor in our relationship. that's what happens, right? that's literally in the playbook. you went to therapy for all of a month, told her a half-truth, co-opted therapyspeak. you figured out how to reframe your actions as "seeking peace." any time i stood my ground, i was "gaslighting." when i asked you to be more gentle, you said i was "tone policing." you said, randomly, i had emotionally manipulated you - i still have no idea what that's even specifically referring to. maybe my consistent requests for calmness and empathy?

and while i literally know better, and i'm sitting here, trained by you, thinking: wait, fuck. was i actually the person you made me out to be?

and the thing that scares me is that i literally do not know if you ever actually saw what you were doing to me. when you'd tell me how you remember arguments, you'd always summarize them in a way where you come off as gentle and easy: "i was trying to set an important boundary." what had actually happened was 15 minutes of you shouting at me i know you did something shady, just admit it already. eventually you'd say my reaction to your shouting (when i finally reacted, which usually happened around hour three) was inevitably "disappointing" and "another way i'm silencing your feelings."

how many times did i ask you - beg you - to just take accountability? looking back, i don't think i ever heard you say: you're right. the way i talked to you was wrong of me.

i am trying to tie together the two people into a full version of you in my head. yes, you made my coffee and made me laugh and spent hours on the phone with me. and yes - you would scream at me until i had to run away and hide behind something.

i wish i did have a narrative i could pull out and shape to my whim. i wish i did have some semblance of reality. instead i just stand here, strange and vibrating, wondering: what the fuck just happened?

[casterisks]

Soooooo... that short, huh?

[i-dreamed-i-had-a-son]

jon val jon or something

[eurydeeznuts]

the outsiders musical rant !! sorry if this doesn’t make sense, i just had to get it out there !

i find it interesting that despite being the main character of the outsiders musical, ponyboy does a lot of harmonizing with others instead of just taking the melody

he takes the melody when he’s narrating,, especially about his problems (tulsa ‘67, his solo parts in i could talk to you all night and far away from tulsa, etc.) but when he sings with other people, he is normally heard harmonizing

he opts up in grease got a hold and great expectations, leaving everyone else behind as they sing the melody. this shows his yearning for a life outside of tulsa, and a life outside of his problems. he takes the lower harmony in i could talk to you all night with cherry, and the highest harmony in throwing in the towel. he is always consumed by the need to get away.

cherry keeps him grounded. he can relate and connect with her, but it’s not enough. meanwhile, pony is disconnected from his brothers, but with darry most of all (darry sings the lower harmony, musically the furthest away from pony) while soda is the connector between the two, which is why soda is the one who takes the melody during the chorus of throwing in the towel when all three brothers sing together— soda is literally in the middle of them, stuck between a rock (darry) and and hard place (pony)

ponyboy is almost always harmonizing with everyone, except for when he’s with johnny. johnny is who he sings of running away with. by killing bob (in self defense!!) johnny is the one who makes running away a reality, which is why it’s fitting that johnny is the one takes the harmony when he sings with ponyboy in far away from tulsa and death’s at my door. he’s the one that pony feels the most safe and comfortable to be himself around because pony knows that johnny always understands him.

it’s only until after johnny dies that pony begins harmonizing with him instead, jumping between low and high harmonies during stay gold. this shows how affected he is by johnnys death— his harmonies are as “unstable” as he is. he finally comes back to the melody when he sings the last line of the song by himself, internalizing johnny’s message: to stay gold, to be himself, and to learn that there are so many more reasons to why life is worth living.

during the finale, he lets darry and sodapop read out the narration, showing that he has successfully mended the gap between him and darry. he sticks to the melody throughout the entire song. he no longer opts up like he did in the beginning because he has realized that running away from his problems (and running away from the melody) cannot solve anything. by the end of the outsiders musical, ponyboy has finally grown into his own skin and is no longer ashamed of where he comes from.

[dog-bonezzzz]

"wow secret of the mimic shows the henry was an asshole too?!?!?"

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN SINCE *checks notes* HE WAS ADDED TO THE SERIES????

[acksolotel618]

aw man i just love that one character nicknamed pinkie who has piercing blue eyes, loves to cook, is a horrible detective, has specific episodes about their emotions (and how they're terrible at dealing with them), gets made fun of but also not and is incredibly respected at the same time, is incredibly audhd coded, is commonly headcanoned as pansexual, is drawn in fanart with curlier hair than they visually have in canon, has the most outfits of the main group, has an animal that they're really close with, has multiple siblings that they barely interact with in the show due to them being far away from the main setting, has multiple versions of themself, who remembers everything but also nothing at the same time, etc, etc, etc, etc there's more but I'm lazy.,

BEST FRIENDS ,, UEE😭🥺💧Eu💧💧E E😭😭 E EUE🥺🥺😭UUUUE😭🥺💧🥺😭 ue 💧ee😭🥺💧ue 🥺e e e😭 💧🥺😭Uueuuue.💧ue 😭🥺ee e🥺🥺😭eUEE 💧🥺💧EEE 💧💧😭–😭EE H💧🥺😭E EUU💧🥺😭UUEHH🥺😭EUEH🥺 😭💧💧ue e😭😭eeeeee💧💧💧uu🥺😭 hh 😭🥺uUEEE🥺😭😭 UEE😭🥺💧Eu💧💧E E😭😭 E EUE🥺🥺😭 UEE😭🥺💧Eu💧💧E E😭😭 E EUE🥺🥺😭UUUUE😭🥺💧🥺😭 ue 💧ee😭🥺💧ue 🥺e e e😭 💧🥺😭Uueuuue.💧ue 😭🥺ee e🥺🥺😭eUEE 💧🥺💧EEE 💧💧😭–😭EE H💧🥺😭E EUU💧🥺😭UUEHH🥺😭EUEH🥺 😭💧💧ue e😭😭eeeeee💧💧💧uu🥺😭 hh 😭🥺uUEEE🥺😭😭 UEE😭🥺💧Eu💧💧E E😭😭 E EUE🥺🥺😭 UEE😭🥺💧Eu💧💧E E😭😭 E EUE🥺🥺😭UUUUE😭🥺💧🥺😭 ue 💧ee😭🥺💧ue 🥺e e e😭 💧🥺😭Uueuuue.💧ue 😭🥺ee e🥺🥺😭eUEE 💧🥺💧EEE 💧💧😭–😭EE H💧🥺😭E EUU💧🥺😭UUEHH🥺😭EUEH🥺 😭💧💧ue e😭😭eeeeee💧💧💧uu🥺😭 hh 😭🥺uUEEE🥺😭😭 UEE😭🥺💧Eu💧💧E E😭😭 E EUE🥺🥺😭

[scarletfish]

listen I HATE endeavor but I LOVE the way mha portrays his character arc. (note: character arc, not redemption arc - I don't think redemption was the intention or result).

I don't get the vibes that the show wants me to forgive him or take his POV as absolution. even at his lowest points, enji still has flawed thought patterns that lead him to commodify his family and keep him from realizing WHY his behavior was wrong.

mha isn't cramming some redemption narrative down my throat, they're showing me a shitty guy who's the product of the society he grew up in, with realistic goals and opinions born of that structure, trying to figure out how to do right by a family he irrevocably fucked up.

let's be clear: I Personally Do Not Like this guy.

but god is it real to watch his family come to terms with his place in their lives.

like, sometimes you grow up and you cut your abuser out of your life for good and you never forgive them (natsuo).

sometimes you have to reckon with the fact that your own trauma led you to perpetuate the cycle of abuse, and that isn't your fault, but it IS now your responsibility (rei).

sometimes you grieve what you could have had and play peacemaker at your own expense (fumuki).

sometimes you face the impossible puzzle of fitting your abuser back into your life - setting boundaries, having painful discussions, and deciding which compromises you can bear (shouto).

.....and sometimes you fake your death, get some sick piercings, and dedicate your life to setting your piece of shit father and every sanctimonious thing he stands for on fire.

I JUST THINK all of these responses are very valid and realistic 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️

love a good "cut them out forever and don't forgive them" narrative, but as someone who had a more complex journey I LOVE seeing that reflected on screen.

[thefabelmans2022]

everyone is really really really really stupid and it's very frustrating to watch.

[itsmistyeyedbi]

I have another assignment due this coming Monday, but I have little to no motivation to start thanks to this specific lecturer's hard on for AI💀

[hauntingofhouses]

mizutaigen is literally like. the first "toxic" m/f ship i've ever cared for. cuz like usually my taste in m/f ships is basically "unhinged baddie" x "badass wifeguy" *

* (see:yen/geralt. trevor/sypha. adolin/shallan. kataang but katara is sane and they're literally so wholesome like theyre traumatised kids in love who are each other's emblem of hope in a war-torn world! so basically they don't count. anyway. i'm rambling.)

and to that end my friend called mizutaigen yaoi-adjacent and im like. yeah you're right actually cuz like hell yeah non-binary mizu and bisexual taigen rights and all the gender fuckery in the show in general

but also like.

theres just SOMETHING else about mizutaigen that just GETS me. like there's a special secret sauce like the pheromones in that one sephora lotion attracting spiders and i am the silly spider!!! there's just something about it!!! it's not even the enemies to lovers trope cuz i personally am not even usually into that (obv it's fine if you are. but yk.)

so as i keep rotating these thoughts around i thiiink it's the fact that, yknow, theyre so similar. like i honestly truly think they could be besties in another universe: a kinder universe where taigen was not taught to hate. a universe where mizu was not born a girl in a deeply misogynistic society or half-white in a xenophobic homogeneous society.

yeah now that i think about it that really just might be THE secret sauce!!! like the fact that they COULD be perfect and happy together, if only things were different, if only they werent themselves.

smth v bittersweet about that's just driving me insane and makes me want to root for them to overcome all those obstacles, to say "fuck all that" (re:the world and all its fucked up shit) and find each other in the end. to eventually become each other's fav person and confidant. who obv still bicker and tease and insult each other all the time but they dont really mean any of it and over time it just becomes a running gag between them and no one else has to get it because it's just between the two of them.

[vanivenivici]

Oh yeah I watched that Moonrise anime over the weekend. lmao what a trainwreck… I knew I didn’t like it but it’s been days and I just can’t stop thinking about how bad it was yk?

the pacing? trash. the characters? unlikeable (with the exception of 2). the plot? a tshirt cannon full of half-baked sci-fi confetti.

Personally my fav was the sentient, acre-big assimilation slime mold that was only explained maybe in one throwaway line during a battle.

AGH the more I think about it the more I keep going “AND ANOTHER THING—”

[vee-lociraptor]

bad and useless forever. incurable

[qqueenofhades]

The extent to which the tankie-lite "America Has A Magic 'Stop Everything Bad in the World' Button and Biden Just Refuses to Push It Because He Doesn't Want To!" mindset has infiltrated this website, even among supposedly sensible people, continues to be alarming.

[lovesickeros]

putting my thoughts under the cut in case people dont want to spoil themself on arle voicelines

currently obsessed with the view our current harbingers have of the Tsaritsa. both childe and arlecchino greatly respect her even if arlecchino is dubiously loyal to the Tsaritsa at best. they both talk about her as a figure who is gentle and compassionate, completely at odds with both the organization she allows to commit horrible acts (dottore. its a lot of dottore. he canonically took children from the hoth under the old knave if they were no longer considered "useful" and used as test subjects). shes described as someone with no love left for her people yet the harbingers we've heard talk about her never seem to describe her in such a manner. of course, childe mentions she had to harden herself to complete her goal, but he still notes that shes too gentle. the more we learn about her the more i want to meet her purely because she is contradictions all the way down and its great!!! taking whatever scraps i can get and its perfectly in line with my characterization too so i stay winning

[solid-six]

Speaking of replaying things...got it in my head recently about maybe playing Death Stranding for a second time. Played it through once a few years ago and didn't think I'd want to do it over again.

So last night I thought I'd watch some of a YT playthrough, see how I felt about it. And after about and hour or so, I stg I've oscillated back and forth between...

Oh hell yeah! I can remember there was a lot here I really liked that was enough for me to finish the whole thing the first time; and

Bluhhhhhhhhhhhhh I also remember why I haven't wanted to play it again until apparently now lol

...like 20 times.