#and yes my therapist knows all of this

[icarusredwings]

Yes.

"Oh wow you write him so well"

Yes. It's actually an issue and Im so sorry you can't see that.

Not saying that its a bad thing to be able to copy a charater or think/say/ know how they would react to a T but in my case its like a cursed power.

"Wow you wrote his emotions perfectly" ahahah...... yeah.... im totally not projecting my own truama and writing from my heart with my entire chest..

"You think just like him" Thannnkkksss I love being told that I think like a suicidal schizophrenic nutcase. Amazing.

In one hand it IS a compliment and I do genuienly like when people tell me that I hit certian charaters on the head of a nail but on the other hand I know WHY I can.

Because deep down as well as understanding some of their hurt, I can mimic very well too. I can pick up their speaking traits, copy their charaterizatic movments, copy how they would react, understand and exicute their same thought process per different charaters.

This is what people dont understand is that being able to mimic and copy charaters like this is not a skill you want to have.

Going back to the other thing though-

This is what happened with the Vanessa and Logan post tho. I thought people were gonna be mad but instead it was a banger. And so now I just have to believe that all my ideas are just as good.

Yeah sure if gives me a confidence boost for a bit but its a false one because the moment I truely am insulted, judged or misunderstood in what I was trying to get across, it all comes piling down.

Sound like someone similar?

Yeah unfortunately so.

Ill shut up now.

I agree with anon. I genuinely love how long your posts are 😁

Damn right you better

My heart and soul goes into those bad boys.

Every time someone interacts with my super mega long posts and show me that theyve read the whole thing by mentioning a random bit of it my heart explods. Its to the point where I'm sitting in this cage waiting for someone to interact with my long ass rants and ideas because no one irl quite gets them but Tumblr does. Of course tumblr does- its tumblr.

Sometimes my long posts flop but thats okay. If anything im just here like

And then immediately I make people sad with my factual takes that are entirely true.

Sometimes they leave and never interact with me ever again and it makes me wonder if im a bit TOO open on here? But then I get someone whos FULLY understanding of my 3k+ posts about random topics and I feel like logan after being brought home. "Holy shit- you get me?? I didnt know others thought this way" but then 2 seconds later "Of course im right, im always right" but its true, Im hypervigilant, im right about most things because of the truama and pattern seeking.

I don't want to be intimidating of others for my passionate writing.

Sometimes though I am like "Oh no bro I think I spoke too much nonsense with too much confidence and everyones gonna think this is stupid" but then immediately im told im a genuis or "thats so true".

Tbh its probably not good for me for my ego to be fed so much but at the same time, who am I to deny the people what they claim is true? If they dub me the Board of Headcanons, Why should I deny that? Why should I cowar at my own thoughts when theres so many who enjoy them?

ANYWAY- Uhhh not so mysterious sad blogger anymore and Im gonna regret saying this much. But yeah 😀 Everything I do is me. That's Forest.

[transmechanicus]

Really fucked up that two ppl can care about each other and make their best efforts to communicate and still end up hurting each other so badly they cannot stand to be in the same room.

[hunter-burton]

Here’s Ship Art I did

I am A gabv1al fan I can deny it no longer

AND DAMNIT I REACHED 30 TAGS.

[stuckwith-harry]

i am handing in my b.a. thesis (on motherhood in gothic fiction) in a few short days and though i have been complaining about having to write it for six months straight, right now i am actually feeling bereft of future opportunities to write academic papers about my silly little interests. for instance right now i really want to research & write about dracula daily & genre & the impacts of the newsletter format on the narrative (the addition of a timeloop)

i think about format and the specifics of narration a lot when i'm writing my own little things and i loooove when the narration - not just the narrator, but the act of telling the story - is part of the narrative. love when the narration is diegetic! love an epistolary novel (like dracula!) for this reason. should read more of them

inventory by carmen maria machado (short story! read it immediately!) is a GREAT example of this. the format of the narration is so integral to the story. does more than elevate it imo, i would argue the story genuinely wouldn't work any other way

g*d. i'm gonna have to become a video essayist

[fiendishartist2]

reigen would be so proud of older mob :,)

[lumpofcohle]

lizzie (fave fic author/new friend) and i have been video chatting almost every week since we met in march, and it still feels so magical to make a friend like this in my 30s, wow!

it still hasn't stopped having that "playground feeling" in the best way

by which i mean: i used to meet another kid on the playground or at the swimming pool or at school, and we had like one (1) major interest in common and in my head i would be planning how we'd be best friends our whole lives

except with lizzie, we really do have that much in common, and so far all the things we don't share complement each other

she's already on my shortlist of people i could spend essentially infinite time with (we were up until 3am last night on a work night just because we were having so much fun – huge sleepover vibes)

so i just get to walk around feeling like the happy, emotionally secure child i never was while we both are marveling that the other person thinks we're cool :')

and it's so fucking nice :')

[girlpetrarca]

gang I'm not sure I have the courage to come out to my boxing coach

[bitchy-peachy]

I really wish that antis stopped using real life sa victims in their shit especially since they tell real life sa victims that we deserved our assaults cos we all handle our trauma differently.

[saberdramon]

i understand why there's a lot of exploration of majima's trauma and mental health bs because it's a captivating topic and he's got it going on pretty fucking hard. however. kiryu is also pretty fucked up

he watched his family die in front of him, 0 shows him with a particular violent streak that must not be easy to cope with after the fact, and he was also tortured at one point (tho not as excessively as majima but y'know). he's seen a lot of people die and held a lot of dead bodies in his arms. he has nightmares about the shit he's been through and a horrible need to take responsibility of things that are none of his business. kiryu is also dealing with shit that 100% has the potential to have him all sorts of fucked up and it would be nice to see more of that without having to do it myself

[straycalamities]

back to self-analyzing what the fucks going on in my brainium

[a-shadowedvales]

so… in the additional media of stranger things (specifically the comics i’m mentioning), it was initially brenner’s idea/plan to kill off the other test subjects because they weren’t performing as well as eleven was. it was his best solution because that way, all the resources, time, and money could instead be placed only to her. and i just…. sure henry is a fine character and the massacre makes a lot of sense to me, but i think i am once again gonna change up my canon to actually fit this potential narrative instead.

i genuinely think the comic canon of the lab and brenner is far more intriguing than the show. everything with 9/9.5, ricky, and francine. eleven being the only one who grew up completely in the lab. those other kids were either volunteers, well into their teens, or had some semblance of a home life. eleven was the only one practically moulded from the womb. and they all had such a range of interesting powers. i firmly stand with the idea that jane is the only one who can contact the void.

brenner’s entire point of view on the lab subjects changed the second he found out terry was pregnant. he discovered he could steal this baby and make her his own. there would be no convincing the child because it’s all she would have ever known. because of this, i would not put it past a man like brenner to kill the other subjects for the sake of the “greater good” in this case, eleven.

eleven’s gifts just continue thriving beyond his wildest expectations. brenner would never dare assume that having moulded her from the womb, she would still be able to grow into her own person, her own mind, and one day be able to see him for exactly who he was.

back before season four aired, it was obvious there were other test subjects because jane was 011. so there were at least ten kids before her. but i always liked the idea/assumed that she was the last experiment because she was the most successful. that they didn’t need anyone after her because she was fulfilling everything they set out for her to do. with flying colours.

i just think the whole rainbow room idea, pitting the kids against each other thing… been there, done that. boring and predictable. i think at this point my portrayal of her time in hawkins lab really stems from the complete isolation she endured. where having the rainbow room, although eleven was obviously the most isolated out of the kids, brings that sense of community and sister/brotherhood. albeit extremely warped and toxic. knowing that she wasn’t alone in that experience just. doesn’t sit well with me. i think it’s important to note that she was alone, physically and mentally. which is why kali is also so important to her growth. i thought a lot of the flashbacks of her time in the lab during season four was really boring, repetitive, and just very predictable. although peter becoming vecna was a surprise to me, and was a nice little twist, the idea of her having an ally on the inside was really interesting.

maybe they did get as far as they do in canon, peter ballad was telling the truth about everything, about some of the workers there being prisoners like him, and he really wanted to get her out and to safety. but before they can escape through the pipes, they’re caught. peter is shot on the spot, and eleven is put into the isolation room for a few days as punishment. in this timeline, henry would be vecna, but henry would not be peter ballad.

when eleven turned seven, and was already showing extreme promise, where the other children were average at best, brenner had the eight children killed. kali had already escaped. this was the main cause for peter to gain eleven’s trust and try to get her out. because if brenner could murder his “children” in cold blood, there’s no way eleven was safe even in spite of her power.

when eleven is allowed out of the isolation room, her testing becomes more rigorous in attempt to distance and make her forget about what she attempted to do with peter. brenner begins gaslighting her, saying that there was never a peter, that she must have been dreaming. eleven does ask “papa” about “mama”, given peter told her of the day terry broke in the lab, but brenner is convincing enough to make eleven believe it was all in her head. say she is around eight years old, meaning the same timeline of season fours canon flashbacks.

i still do wanna keep the henry creel canon, and keep him as 001. brenner didn’t have him killed alongside the other test subjects, because who knows, one day he could become an even better asset than 011. brenner definitely wants to be able to control henry, but keeps the chip in him because, for the moment, doesn’t know how. killing him would be too big of a loss.

when eleven is ten years old, henry’s concealed powers break free and he manages to get the chip out himself, and unleashes hell onto hawkins lab. he almost kills brenner by snapping his bones, but eleven manages to stop him. her extreme abilities are unleashed, and she sends henry to the upside down. she does fall into a coma due to the extremity of the situation, but she does not forget what happened. brenner believes she’s the perfect weapon as she stepped in to save him without a second thought, was able to defeat henry, and opened a door to something he never thought possible. eleven is rewarded for her efforts. although she remembers the entire battle / confrontation, her memories regarding the portal are very hazy.

brenner decides not to focus on the portal straight away, instead gets her training harder and harder to see what else she can accomplish. also loved the idea of brenner sending her into the void to “look for him” so that will definitely be kept.

by the time she escapes and season one begins, her knowledge of the upside down is basically what we see in canon. because she passed out the moment after she sent henry away, she was once again gaslighted into believing she merely threw him through the glass and killed him. for two years she believed this, until making contact with the demogorgan, and those memories return completely.

due to her saving brenner’s life, (it was pure instinct. she happened to be there. saw her “papa” hurt and knew she had to make him better.) brenner constantly thanks her. but in a very condescending way. tells her: “you saved me so i can continue saving you.” aka, harness your abilities and see what else i can achieve from you. despite the fact that she saved his life, these words and phrases make her feel indebted to him. that she owes him something further.

i don't realistically see her thriving with her speech improvement until she's well into her twenties at least. her slowed development, sensory and social deprivation causes a serious delay in language. surrounded by other children she would have overheard conversations, some would have spoken to her. her conveniently forgetting her upbringing pre the battle with henry just isn't good enough for me anymore. it makes more sense for her to have been raised alone.

it also helps indicate why she gravitated towards the boys when they found her in the woods. they would have been the first people her age she ever remembered seeing. as far as she knew, during the lab there was no one like her. everyone was much older, they were adults-- although she stayed with benny, i'm not sure if she would have stuck around very long. where she followed the boys home without thought.

also it's important to note that after time, jane does understand that peter ballad was a real person, and was truly the first person (aside from terry) who wanted the best for her. when she remembers him, knows that brenner was lying, she deals with immense guilt regarding his death. he was shot right in front of her eyes, because he was trying to help her. this is another catalyst as to why after season two, jane never refers to brenner as papa. she does not give him that sort of credit.

[antiyourwokehomophobia2]

The way I'm genuinely starting to feel like I should keep my attractions to myself.

[autistic-katara]

there r fics that make u insane (so amazingly good it’s removed ur sanity) and then there’s fics that make u insane (you need to fistfight the author for how they did a specific thing that caused u to rant for hours)

[superbattrash]

Sometimes… sometimes I wonder how someone can look at another person, hear that they’re struggling, and then somehow make it about themselves. Subtle enough that it’s not “who cares, let’s talk about me” but direct enough that the other person has to swallow down anger and frustration as to not escalate the situation

[outlying-hyppocrate]

sometimes i think about killing myself just so my family will be free of the burden that is me and finally leave the country.

[rosalesbeausderholle]

I like how in my life I went from: "I am intrinsically different from other human beings because I'm smarter and a better person than everyone else, but I will always be alone for it, though" as a child, to "Well, people are very different and not everyone is as bad or as dumb. There's lots of people who are worth it and lots of people who are good and smart. It's not just me!" as a teen, then back again to "I am intrinsically different from other human beings because I'm smarter and a better person than everyone else" as an adult. And yes, I am on antidepressants.