#and when you're depressed youre trying desperately to make it seem like youre ok but you cant and it looks absurd

[tan1shere]

Hi! So if you’re comfortable with it i’d love to request Professor!Billie x reader. I love how in “Her Favorite” Billie asks if Reader is okay and if she needs anything. So what if Reader is quiet and shy but is sh-ing maybe Billie sees scars on her arm? Idk just super fluffy and angsty. Again please only write it if you’re comfortable with the request. Have a great day and thank you for your amazing writing 💕

My priority

A/n: yes ofc !! Thank you for checking angel, I'm more than ok with writing this :) I hope you enjoy <3

Warnings - mentions of self harm, cuts ??, and depression, so please don't read if it's triggering in any way !

Masterlist

Another draining day at this hell hole of a college. You dreaded it each day you just wanted to stay in bed and hide from everyone. You go to your first class of the day, wearing oversized everything as you couldn't care less you just wanted to be comfortable. You take a seat at the back, out of everyone's way. When you accidentally bump into someone. "Sorry." You say timidly. "Watch where you're going." They say bluntly. You sigh hoping this day doesn't drag on too much.

Nearing the end of this class, you couldn't be more happier. Although you loved your professor. She was the kindest person, and honestly made it a lot less horrible. Everyone has already left, like always you are the last to leave. "Bye Ms O'Connell." You give her a gentle smile. She does the same. "Bye sweetheart, have a good day." You blush slightly, she always made you so nervous. Did you have a slight crush on her?

Fast forward a few weeks and you were having the worst day known to man. You had woken up late, burned your tongue. Every little thing seemed to happen, badly. Setting your whole mood off. You had even forgotten your jacket, feeling cold. Bringing your arms around your body ever so slightly everywhere you went. You weren't always such a joyful person, you had severe depression. It always lingered inside you maybe that's why people never wanted to be near you, were you scary to them?

It was that same class again, and you honestly couldn't of been more thankful, knowing she'd cheer you up just by her presence. You go to sit down in your usual spot, writing down something when you feel a presence by you. Ms O'Connell, she was looking at you with the softest smile. But her eyes moved from your face and it faded. Your brows furrow wondering why she was looking at you in such a way. Had you spilt something on yourself- but as she walks to the front and you look. You facepalm.

You idiot, how could you forget your jacket for that reason. She most definitely saw them, and now you truly wanted to hide. Instead of being last you try to be the first one out. "Y/n, hun?" You hear her say making you stop. Her voice was so delicate. Your head turns to look at her. Humming in response. "Could we talk?" You slowly nod. Approaching her slowly, you look into her eyes. "I'm here for you." Is all she says. Your eyes avert from hers, watching as the other students leave. "And you can always-" She begins but you turn back to face her with tears in your eyes.

It truly breaks her heart. She doesn't say a word just brings you into a hug which you tightly reciprocate. Crying softly into the hug. "It's ok, you can talk to me." She soothes your hair, gently kissing the top of it. She knew you needed as much comfort right now. "I feel so alone." You sobbed, honestly quite pathetically but you couldn't care less you just needed this hug desperately. You needed warmth of someone.

"Shhh, it's ok. You're never alone. And if it helps you have me, I promise." Maybe it was childhood trauma but you felt comfort in her, even if she was your professor. She moves you with her going into her tiny office in the room. "We can sit here for awhile, you can rant. Cry more. Or just stay silent whatever you prefer. Just know I'm here for you." You hug her so tightly after she says that.

You finally felt seen.

Im so sorry if this isn't the best :( my brain was lacking more creativity but I hope this is what you were after even a little bit :)!

[atom-writings]

Can I request the allies helping their S/O when their depression keeps them in bed for a few days, which isn't normal for them.

hetalia allies when their s/o is going through a depressive episode

1.8k words ~ gender neutral scenarios

tw: theyre not always the best but they figure it out (:

a/n: hope this was ok. if u want just like, comfort, thats cool and i can do that too seperately (: but anon i totally get i got crippling depression too. were alll in this togeeethherrr

America

Depressive episodes were nothing out of the usual for you. What was out of the usual though, was just how horribly this one was hitting you. But it seems like the person who it hurt the most, was Alfred.

Once you began spending the majority of your time in bed, he began to bother you incessantly. It'd be more annoying for you if it wasn't clear just how much Alfred was panicking.

Every day he returned from home to find you in your miserable state, he would question your sudden episode over and over again until one of you fell asleep. He offered to take you somewhere, to buy you everything, anything to get you back to normal. No matter how much you insisted that none of that would help, he continued.

That was until one day, upon his return from work, he didn't immediately come up to interrogate your lack of motivation. From your shared bed, you could vaguely hear him fumbling around downstairs. After a while, his footsteps finally echoed up the stairs.

Your door creaked open slowly, revealing Alfred awkwardly carrying bags of snacks as well as a TV. He rushed forward to throw everything on the bed before starting to hook up the TV in front of the bed.

“Alfred?”

“Yeah?“

”What are you doin'?“

”Making this room fun to be in,” He answered bluntly, but his tone was kind.

After a minute, he finished setting up the TV and crawled into bed with you. Before you could say anything, he pulled you flush against his side.

“Staying in here is no good for you, but at least there's ways to make it... less bad.” He told you softly.

You took a moment to respond, ”Can... can you stay in here with me?“

”I'll stay in here until you're ready to leave, K?“

England

As soon as your illness began to rear its ugly head, Arthur took notice. It's not like it hadn't happened before, after all. The unusual eating habits, the exhaustion, how less excited you would become over things you love, it's all typical. So he would help the way he usually did.

If you're too tired for work or school, he gets you out of it. If you're hungry, he makes whatever you want anytime. If you're slacking on chores, he makes up for it two-fold.

The entire time you spend gloomily sitting on your phone or watching TV, Arthur is running from place to place in a panic. It's clear why, he's just desperately trying to ”solve“ your sadness. After all, over his many periods of depression, he always works himself to the bone to get through them. He struggles to understand how you can just... sit there.

But of course, that's not how human depression tends to work. Seeing him so motivated did nothing but make you more insecure about your own sudden ”laziness.” Living in an incredibly clean house only helps for so long until it starts feeling weird.

The only place safe from his worried frenzy was the bedroom, where you lay nearly all day. It was quiet there, at least. Not frustrating like everything else. That was until Arthur interrupted your silence by joining you in bed with a huff.

“Love, you've been in here all day.”

You didn't respond, simply nodding and rolling to face away from him.

“What's wrong?”

Still, no response.

He grabbed your shoulder lightly, trying to pull you to face him.

“What is it?”

“You know what's wrong.”

He sighed, before laying down as well. His arms wrapped around your waist as he pulled you closer to him, his soft breath hitting the back of your neck as his heart beat against your back.

“I guess a better question would be... do you want to talk about it?”

You pause, ”Not really...“

”Well, I'll be here with you until you do.“

”No running around?“

He chuckles, ”No, I'll stay here. After all, you're strong... I imagine this won't last forever, right Love?“

France

Francis is a sensitive person, but most importantly he's an emotionally intelligent one. He notices as soon as your depression begins to get bad again, and he always tries to do little things to help. But... he knows that you're the one who's had to live in your head for years. The only reason he would go out of his way to help is if you asked him to.

Which you usually don't. It never seems to stay unbearable long enough for you to justify asking him, even though he's made clear he's always willing to do anything for you.

But this time is different, it feels as if your thoughts can't stop, no matter what you do. Even as you rest in bed, you only get more and more tired, more angry and miserable. Francis noticed this... but he wouldn't want to do anything you didn't want him to.

At least, that's how he thinks usually. But now, seeing his beloved sobbing for the 15th day in a row, he decided he had to do something.

Early in the morning, before the sun had fully risen, you were awoken by Francis's smiling face.

”Time to get up!“

”No-“

You were swiftly cut off by him grabbing your arms and pulling you upwards.

”I've set out clothes for you. We're going somewhere.“

You shook your head, ”W-Where? I'm tired-“

”It's gonna be fun! I'll buy you coffee on the way, don't worry.“

So up you were, regardless of your protests.

An hour-long car drive later, and you understood why he was so enthusiastic about going here. Before you stood the most stunning valley you had ever seen, surrounded by perfectly green trees and water so blue you could've sworn it was fake. But the breeze flowing through your hair said otherwise.

“While we walk to the beach, you can tell me all about what's wrong, okay?” He locked his hand around yours.

Sure, it didn't solve everything. But... it was better than the bedroom.

China

Yao doesn't really... understand what depression is. When you tell him it's a “mental illness” all he understands is “illness.” So the moment things start getting worse for you, he's recommending all the things he learned to make sick people better.

If it gets to the point of being bedridden, he acts like you're gonna die. Which is obviously not very... comforting. So after many times of you telling him to leave you alone, he's gotten used to popping in every couple of hours with tea, but that's it.

After all, you're usually back to your normal self pretty quickly. But this time, he can tell something's off; and he's not about to let you wither away.

So, one morning, you're awoken to a delicious breakfast already in your lap and Yao sitting in front of you, looking like a kid on Christmas.

“Wh- Yao? Why did you...”

“You haven't been eating enough, and I don't want you getting tired soon.”

You looked at him suspiciously, “Why?”

“We have plans.“

”Good plans or bad plans?“

”Good plans! What do you think of me?“

Once you finished eating breakfast, he dragged you out of bed. No matter how much you protested, his grip on your hand was strong. He brought you to the other side of the house, into his already set-up studio.

”What are we doing in here?“ You ask nervously.

”Getting you out of bed,“ He responds quickly, gesturing to the yoga mat set up next to his.

All you could was sigh and stand next to him, waiting for instruction.

”Do we really have to do this?“

He nods, spreading his legs to the side and reaching down with one hand. Looking up at you expectantly, he smiled.

”It keeps you spry,“ He switched sides, ”It keeps you healthy.“

”I'm really not in the mood,“

”Trust me.“

With a huff, you slowly worked your creaking body into the same pose he pulled.

”I can't stand to see you suffer in that room.“

”It's not fun on my end either.“

”I love you. I wish you would tell me how to help.”

You groan as the next pose he demonstrated stretched you a little bit more than what was comfortable.

“You can't 'help.' Just gotta wait it out.“

He took a moment to respond, “Well, I suggest you wait it out in ways that get your mind off everything. Like this.”

“It's helping the tiniest bit, I guess...”

He chuckled, “We will keep working at it until you feel better. No matter how long it takes.”

Russia

When your depression gets bad, it seems to be obvious to everyone... except Ivan. Despite you bringing it up to him, he either doesn't know what to do... or he doesn't care. The possibility of the latter doing nothing to make you feel any better.

Even as you spend all day laying in bed, crying constantly, he doesn't seem to notice. He just acts like you aren't... suffering. That stings, a lot more than anything else creating this depressive episode.

But after a week of this unending gloominess, you get a strange text from Ivan.

“Come downstairs.”

Weird and annoying... but more importantly ominous. It takes you only a second to throw on a hoodie and rush downstairs. You can't hear his usual humming, and the house seems completely still as you search for him. But when you look out the back window, you see him.

As you enter the backyard, you fully see what he was doing.

In the middle of the yard, he set up a picnic. Surrounding him is a mountain of bright flowers, and tens of little plates bearing your favourite sweets lay on the light blanket.

“Come sit, darling.”

You would be foolish of you to not oblige. Once you sat down next to him, he reached out to stroke your cheek lovingly.

”What is torturing you so horribly?“

You took a deep breath, “Where to start?”

“Wherever you want,” he clucks his tongue sympathetically, resting his hand on your thigh.

“Y-You know... I thought you didn't care. You've been so... normal...”

Ivan looks awkward, averting his gaze, “I didn't want to make it worse. You're so strong, I knew you could get through it on your own. I'm sorry.”

“I can.... but I don't want to...”

He leans forward, kissing your forehead.

”I promise, now, you will never deal with anything alone.“

”You're sure it won't be too much?“

”Never. Never too much.“

hey there. its gonna get better. its gonna be different. but its gonna get better. there are hundreds of people youre gonna meet, and hundreds of places youre gonna go, and its gonna be amazing. one day youll wake up and realize everything is alright. because youre gonna be ok.

[libraryofneith]

Hiding Place (Frankie Morales x GN! Reader)

Summary: a reunion between you and the guys goes south when you have a panic attack, but your friend Frankie is there for you

Tags: frankie morales x gender neutral! reader, platonic relationship between frankie and reader but it could be read romantically, hurt/comfort, fluff, wholesome

Warnings: PTSD, panic attacks, bullet wounds, very mild cussing

This was written for @punkshort AU August Writing Challenge! Thanks for this prompt, it was so much fun! Be sure to check out my joel miller x reader fic Out of Mind.

A champagne cork.

Or rather, a sparkling cider cork.

That was what started it.

It had flown off the bottle with a pop and gone whizzing past your ear as you were cleaning dishes. You'd tried to laugh it off with the others. It was just a stupid accident. Everyone was there to celebrate Benny winning one of the biggest fights of his life and you weren't going to spoil everything with another one of your stupid panic attacks. But the pop and the feeling of the cork flying past you had made time stand still.

Suddenly you weren't in Will's kitchen anymore; you were in a trench, a rifle in your hands, trying to find a fix on your target as bullets fired around you. Your hand went to your shoulder as if it had a mind of its own, grazing over the point where a bullet had shot through five years ago. It was throbbing as if it had only been five minutes ago. You could hear a voice far off. It sounded like it was a million miles away, barely getting through over the pounding in your ears.

"You ok?" You jumped. Frankie was standing beside you looking concerned. When did he get here?

"Yeah, fine. Just gotta take a leak." You pushed past him into the hallway, completely blundering past the bathroom.

Fuck fuck. Where were you? What were you doing? Your chest felt like it was tying itself in knots. You couldn't breathe. You blindly grasped a door handle and stumbled into what you realised too late was Willy's bedroom. As if the flashbacks weren't bad enough now you had to deal with the anxiety of going into someone's room without their permission. But you couldn't deal with that now. Alone, desperate and completely out of breath, you did the only thing you knew you make you feel better.

---

Frankie closed the bathroom door. Nope, not in there. There were three other doors on that floor - one opened to a study, one to a cupboard, and the third a bedroom. It seemed empty but he had this strange feeling of being watched, like someone else was waiting to exhale.

"Hello?" No answer. "You in here?"

"Down here." The voice came from underneath the bed.

"You ok?"

"Yeah."

"Is that why you're under a bed?"

"I… I just… It was just too much."

"Ok, I get it." He paused. He didn't want to intrude but he didn't feel he could leave it like that. "You want some company?" There was a lengthy silence before you replied: "Alright."

He shuffled while you scooched until you were lying side by side staring up at the graying mattress poking through the timber slides. It was a while before he plucked up the courage to break the silence.

"This takes me back."

You snorted. Depressing as it was, you'd spent more than one occasion huddled in a bunker or trench together avoiding bullets, drones or bombs.

"Everyone Ok out there?"

"They're fine, just worried about you." You groaned.

"Now I feel bad, I didn't want to make a whole thing out of it."

"No one holds it against you, we all have… stuff." Stuff. That was one way to put it. You started absentmindedly rubbing the bullet hole on your shoulder again.

"Still hurt?" Your hand flew back to your side.

"Sometimes, when I have these… episodes. Therapist tells me it's not actually the wound, just the trauma."

"Is there a difference?" You shrugged then winced. It was weird, sometimes you hardly felt it, sometimes - like today - it felt so painful you could hardly think straight.

"I'm sorry I haven't been there for you."

"It's OK, you had your own stuff to deal with."

"By stuff, you mean a pile of snow?" You weren't looking at him but you could still hear the self-loathing in his voice.

"Christ Frankie you know I don't blame you for that. After I got shot, I couldn't sleep without polishing off a bottle of whisky."

"You had a good reason."

"And you didn't?" you said, turning to look at him. It was dark under that bed but you could see those big brown eyes filled with regret.

"Not the same." Maybe not but Frankie still had wounds that couldn't be seen on his body. "I know after I just… disappeared."

"You were there when it mattered." You meant that in more ways than one. He'd been the one who dragged you back to his chopper, you screaming with every inch, him muttering "you're gonna make it, you're gonna make it" over and over. After, Pope told you he'd flown like a bat outta hell while you drifted in and out of consciousness. Everyone agreed that if anyone else had been the pilot on that mission, you'd have bled out before you got back to base. Not that it made a difference to Frankie. Something had changed in him after that. Then came the suspension for drug abuse and after that you both felt like animals used up then put out to pasture.

Your hand found his in the dark. He glanced down in surprise. You had always been close, the others always called him your work husband, only partly joking, and there had been times when it felt as though there was… something, like a line neither of you were daring to cross. But that had been a long time ago. You had lost touch after you came home and now he had a wife and a baby on the way and you had… your therapist? You didn't mind, honestly. Just, right now you needed him, his presence, his touch. Neither of you made any other movement. You just lay there under the bed, side by side, fingers interlocking.

"Hey if you assholes are fucking you can use someone else's goddamn bedroom" Will called out, having finally found you both.

"Fuck you William" you responded.

"What're you doing under the bed?"

"Hiding from you" Frankie replied. "Now piss off."

"Fine, not like it's my fucking house or anything." He slinked off muttering.

"We should probably head back out there." You started to crawl out but you were stopped by Frankie's hand on your shoulder.

"Can we… can we not?" You gave him a long look, then nestled back in next to him.

"Ok, whenever you're ready."

"What if I'm never ready?"

"You bring a book?" You both snorted. "But seriously, we can't stay here forever. You least of all, you have a life."

"And you don't?" You resisted the urge to face him.

"Honestly, not really. Maybe I should get one." Frankie didn't seem to have any response to that, so you lay next to each other in silence, counting the boards on the mattress frame. Finally, you asked, "do you think it's gonna be a boy or girl."

"No clue. We wanted to be surprised." At length, he added "hope it's a girl."

"Why?"

"Less chance it'll turn out like me."

"Would that be so bad?"

"You tell me." You found his hand and squeezed.

"I hope it's like you. World needs more Catfish Moraleses." His expression was inscrutable, until his voice finally husked out with all the fear, heartbreak and salvation of the past years,

"I really fucking missed you."

[bitchesgate3]

I'm pretty intrigued by the dynamic between Ketheric and Isobel because it reminds me so much of what I experienced being emotionally enmeshed with one of my parents for my entire childhood.

I think most people understand the weight of being parentified when a child must get a job to help contribute money to the family. But I don't think very many people understand what it's like growing up with a parent who over-relies on family members to be emotionally stable - and eventually having to take on the role as the go-to person to be that stability.

Of feeling suffocated by such an overly needy parent - who controls via their emotional needs and griefs - that makes you act in certain ways because surely you don't want to be the death of your parent.

I'm right at the end of Act 2, so the game may say otherwise, but I wonder how Isobel feels about everything happening.

"Your father loved you so much that he brought you back from the dead," sounds so kindly at first. But the sinister truth beyond the obsession is living knowing the fact that the only thing keeping the man alive is you. Once your mother's godforsaken task - now yours.

The game may play up that she resents this, but in my experience there is a love/hate growing up under this dynamic with a parent. You resent this parent for a reason you can't quite put your finger on as a kid, but its the resentment of being made to emotionally soothe them when they never soothe you: which was supposed to be their job. You, as the child, rely on them for survival. You have to look like everything is ok because your parent being upset is so catastrophic (that they will be too dysfunctional to meet your survival needs) that your own needs feel less important.

But on the flip side, you do become parentified in a role reversal. You can't help but love your parent and want the best for them. The emotional abuse is so subtle and imperceptible, that it just makes sense that you would never assert a boundary with your parent because of how much it would throw them into a depression. Being rejected by the one person who loves them.

I wonder how upset Isobel was when Ketheric began drifting from Selune to Shar. How, like a parent, she might have felt like he should have known better. How her own parent felt like a rotten, naive child in doing so. What if a hidden reason for Isobel holding firmly to Selune was to try to convince him. Not every action is tied to the enmeshed parent, but sometimes there are undermining doubts that maybe you're still not acting on your own behalf and still feel like you have to support a parent who should be living their own life - not sucking lifeforce from you.

I kind of feel for Isobel because she seems sweet, and even with the snark, there may be a genuine sensitivity within her that makes emotionally unstable people flock to her like an oasis in the desert (which is an experience I relate to). I even fear that with Aylin's PTSD, Isobel will just be put in that role again of emotional caretaker - being the only thing that grounds Aylin out of her rages. And that scares me.

From a note found in Isobel's room, I feel like she will fall into a depression now that she's been brought to life. Her father soon to be dead. And perhaps now, she will be stuck in a repeating cycle. Where she is always the beacon of hope for others out of necessity rather than living the life that should have always been hers and only hers.

If she dies, will the people around her desperately want to revive her as well? Because she shines so brightly they can't live without her light?

[gray0ri0n]

I posted this on my ao3 but i like it quite a lot so i figured id post it on here too :D

-*Contains: anxiety, anxiety attack(?), depression, depressive episodes, fluff, comfort*-

--☆--☆--☆--☆--☆--☆--☆--☆--☆--☆--☆--☆--

Lately you've been stuck in bed, not physically, but everytime you try to get out an invisible weight sits on your chest. You feel stuck, you're tired but no matter how much you sleep you wake up more exhausted than before.

Many have noticed, you used to go down to breakfast, but you never ate much. Chewing was too much of a chore, afterwards you would go back to your room to lay down and play on your D.D.D, but even that wasnt as exciting as it used to be.

Satan likes to sit in bed with you and read you his favorite books while playing with your hair, you desperately try and stay awake until the next chapter but he reassures you that it's alright.

He will put on different voices for the characters to hear your small laughs. Once he notices you drifting off he talks lower and tones down the voices. Once hes sure your asleep he carefully sets down the book, and gently lays down to cuddle with you.

Occasionally you wake up to Levi bringing movies to watch in your room but you almost always fall asleep half way through. Feeling helpless as a familiar weight droops your eyelids and a sigh escapes your lungs as you sink into his side.

A familiar feeling of dread sinking into your bones as unexplainable anxiety bubbles up your throat. Your stomach turns with nausea as you cling desperately to the otaku next to you, grounding yourself as you stare at the screen.

Levi would run his hands through your hair, you cringe at its current state, you haven't showered in a few days, just the thought of standing there long enough to wash your hair made you tired. He would leave small kisses on your forehead, asking if you would like to cuddle.

He knew what it was like to feel this way, there were times he was stuck in his bathtub bed and you would care for him, he would always return the favor when you weren't feeling well. And now is that time.

He lays you down and lets you get comfortable before sliding up behind you, his chest to your back, with the laptop infront of you. You both would fall asleep to the show, holding his hand while he gives you small kisses to whatever skin he could reach.

In the morning you would be awoken by Asmodeus, as he kisses you awake Levi leaves promising to come by again later. Asmo will then help you to breakfast. He even offered to feed you a few times and as tantalizing as it seems you denied, telling him you can feed yourself.

Once done with breakfast, you slide whats left to beel before going back to your room. Asmo constantly dotes on you, he helps you brush your teeth, he washed your hair once while you leaned your head over the bathtub, but you quickly got tired of the position you were in.

Once you slide back under the covers and asmo retires for the night, its Lucifers turn to make sure you are feeling alright. He brings a few records along with a small record player. Once a song is on he slides into bed with you, facing each other with your head under his chin. He hums the tune to you while rubbing the small of your back with his thumb on one hand and holding your head in place with the other.

He gives you gentle kisses, on your forehead, cheeks, and nose, telling you that it's ok to feel stuck in life and sometimes he feels the same way, stuck in a never ending cycle desperate for escape.

He whispers a quick apology before leaving the bed, telling you that he has work that is dire and leaving you with the record player. The twins quickly flood in, beel to your left and belphie to your right as they cuddle you in a squished sandwich.

Beel brought snacks that make him feel better when he's sad, and belphie offered to check up on you in your dreams when you sleep. Until then they coddle you, belphie says he understands feeling constantly exhausted. He always feels the tug of sleep at every waking moment and that only makes him more tired.

Beel tells you that his hunger is more tiring than others would think, he's often losing sleep to his hunger and when he first fell the feeling of hunger ached and hurt and he was absolutely fatigued from the desperation to fill his never ending appetite.

They both held you close, sleep quickly taking belphi as your eyelids weighed shut, while you sleep belphie visits in your dreams, he holds you close, running his hands through your hair, kissing your hands. He asks if you want to talk about anything without having to be scared of others hearing. If you accept he gratefully listens before leaving you to your dreaming.

When you open your eyes to Mammon who is now in front of you, you must have slept through the twins leaving. He mumbles that he hasn't been able to spend time with you yet, he kisses your forehead, holding you as if you might break any second. You press yourself into him, feeling the warmth radiating off of his chest.

He talks about how he also struggles with these feelings, when his brothers go overboard with the insults, when he gets in trouble for something he didn't do. He desperately clings to you now, pressing his cheek to your forehead.

You hold him closer, pulling him closer to kiss his cheek, he blushes before quickly pressing his face back to your forehead. You feel the heat from his face as you give his knuckles soft kisses, he asks if your ready to go back to bed.

As you drift off you are reminded of how loved you are down here. How you can turn to anyone about anything and they will gladly help you, take care of you, listen to you. You treasure every moment you have with them and you know that no matter how your feeling, they will always care for you.

[flyiingsly]

What will become of us

Part 1

Square : Is this for me ?

Pairing : Dogma x f!jedi!reader

Warnings : Mention of death and injuries, mention of Umbara, a lot of angst, implied depression

Wordcount : 4,9k

Summary : After the treason of Krell and the disaster of Umbara, you couldn’t stop worrying about Dogma and are determinate to go visit him at the GAR prison, without expecting how much of an impact on your life this decision will soon have.  

A/N : Finally ! My last submission for the @clonexreaderbingo !! I'm so glad and proud to have made it to the end ! This event was such a big and important challenge to me, this year was very messy and awful on so many levels of my life, and writing and focusing on it really helped me go through all of this ❤

Thank you so much to the wonderful @ghostofskywalker for organizing this event, it was sooo much fun :D

That one was reaaaally hard to write ! I really got carried away and it actually moved me a lot and gave me a looot of feels. It was starting to be a bit long and I still had things to add, so I decided to turn it into a two chapters story !

(Now that I'm about to post it, I just noticed that the mention to the bingo square is in the second part ... It really didn't catch my attention until now, I hope it still will count :O )

@dystopicjumpsuit if you're still interested, here it is (the beginning at least) :D

Enjoy ❤

The sky around the ship became clouded as it entered the atmosphere of Coruscant. You barely had a conversion with the others for the entire flight, just a few words exchanged here and there, but you could feel that nobody really wanted to talk at all. So you just remained silent.

It was the first time that a journey with the 501st boys was that silent, and it seemed never-ending. You were just coming back from Umbara with what was left of your battalion. That mission was one of the deadliest you’ve ever been part of, and one of the most mentally destructive, both for you and your men.

Everybody was tired and feeling strange, and as you looked around you, they were all staring into space with empty eyes, still processing what happened on that damn planet. There was usually cheering and agitation when a mission ended and that you were on the way back home. But not this time, and you couldn’t blame anyone for not at least try to relax the atmosphere.

You, too, were still processing what happened these last few days.

When the ship finally landed, you helped the medics carrying the wounded to the med bay. You exchanged a long, desperate and full of pain glance with Kix, before he disappeared behind the walls of one of the many emergency rooms of the building. His mission wasn’t over yet, and you couldn’t even help him with that burden.

You looked around you for a moment, completely still in the idle of the agitation, contemplating the endless flow of blue and orange painted amours passing the doors. You were feeling powerless right now, and tears were starting to form in your eyes.

“General …”

You heard a distant voice, but you were so lost in thought that you didn’t even noticed it was coming toward you.

“(Y/n) …” a gentle hand settled down on your shoulder, making you jump in surprise.

“It’s ok, it’s just me ...” It was Rex. He looked so tired, even more than everyone else. You had spent a couple nights together back at the Umbarian base, unable to sleep and crying your eyes out, hidden in a tiny room so none of your men could see you like that, trying to ease your pain and process this mess of a situation, comforting each other as you were always doing when things go wrong. Although this time, it was worse than everything you ever had to go through before.

“General Kenobi just called me, the Jedi council want to see you as soon as possible. I guess that they need explanations … “

You had broken your commlink on the battlefield, so no one was able to contact you directly. He looked at you right in the eyes, you knew he had noticed the tears, you didn’t even try to wipe them, you just answered his look. You didn’t need to talk much to understand each other sometimes, eye contact was enough.

“I have another thing to do before, they’ll have to wait a bit longer.” You briefly replied.

“As you wish”, he whispered. He knew exactly where you were going, it probably wasn’t the wisest thing to do, but he didn’t protest. He knew you needed it.

“But please”, he added, his look turning more concerned, “be careful, (Y/n), and try to be easy on yourself, there’s nothing we could have done to prevent all of that, it’s not your fault.”

His voice was trembling, you could feel the lump in his throat. You both felt terribly guilty about everything, and you knew that he was trying to convince himself as well as convincing you. You badly wanted to hold him in your arms to comfort him right now, but the only thing that you were allowed to do in front of so any peoples was to, as he did before, to put your hand on his shoulder.

“I will, same for you, please, you deserve some peace too.” you answered with emotion filling your voice, nearly whispering.

“Thank you, (Y/n), I hope to see you later.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll be back soon.”

You gave him a soft smile before leaving the med bay, already planning to visit him at the GAR base right after meeting the council.

But for now, you had something important to do.

***

The GAR prison was a vast building appended to the Coruscant Guards base. When you introduced yourself at the entrance, the two troopers watching the door easily let you in. But once in the reception, explaining that you were here to see a prisoner, you were greeted by a surprised and confused guard, who immediately called his superior.

Jedi usually never come at the prison, even less to see a clone prisoner.

You were well known by the Coruscant Guards, for you had already worked with them on several occasions. So, when a helmetless Commander Fox showed a couple minutes later, he wasn’t that surprised to see you.

It was common knowledge to everyone that had met you that you were very close to your men and having a very unique relationship with them. And needless to say that the news of a member of the famous 501st being imprisoned here had already flied around the other battalions. It was something as unexpected as hard to understand. So Fox quickly connected the dots.

“General (Y/n), it’s an honor to see you here !” he greeted you.

“The honor is for me, Marshall Commander.” you greeted him back with a smile.

He opened his mouth to ask you if you were here to see that particular blue armored trooper, but quickly refrained himself. Nobody exactly knew for now what happened on Umbara and why that prisoner was here outside of “treason”, only rumors had filtered, and he didn’t want to become too intrusive by asking. You stared at each other for a moment, before he finally says something, suddenly feeling uneasy under the gaze of his confused soldier.

“I’ll handle that, thank you”, he spoke toward his men, before addressing you, ”Please, follow me.”

You nodded and both headed to his office. It was the first time you entered that prison, and beside your apparent confidence, that place was making you nervous. Fox didn’t said a word until the door of his office was shut close and he was sit at his desk.

“So, I have been told that you were here to visit a prisoner, right ?”

“Right.”

“Nobody told me about an interrogation taking place today”, he said trying to look oblivious, scrolling on his datapad, avoiding your gaze.

“Actually, I’m not here to lead any interrogation … One of my men, a lieutenant from the 501st, had been incarcerated in this prison a few days ago, and I just … I just need to see him, to make sure that he’s ok, you know … That last mission was particularly grueling, things … happened …” you were trying to find your words without revealing too much details, but you were desperate to shorten that meeting, the only thing you wanted right now was to finally see him again.

“It’s not fair for him to be here” you finally carried on, “I just need to reassure him about his fate, to tell him that his superiors are not gonna let him down and will fight for his reintegration.”

Fox raised his head from his data pad, meeting your worried eyes with a look that couldn’t hide his suspicion about your presence here anymore. You exchanged another long and heavy stare, he clearly was in the middle of some big moral dilemma. He finally let out a sigh, putting down his datapad on his desk.

“He’s not supposed to leave his cell for now, so I can’t lead him at the parlor or the interrogation room, and it’s categorically forbidden for him to receive any visitors. Thes orders emanate from the Jedi Council itself, they cannot be bypassed …”

Your heart sank in your chest, you opened your mouth to speak, you were ready to argue, but Fox stopped you in yours tracks.

“But”, he quickly picked up, “I could be in charge of the reception for one night, and be urgently and unexpectedly called by one of my officer, because, you know, things happen sometimes … Which will cause the entrance to be left completely unsupervised … That could be the perfect occasion for an unauthorized visitor to enter here without being bothered …”

He stopped, looking insistently at you. You weren’t really sure what he was driving at, until he came closer to you above his desk, still looking at you right in the eyes, and added in a sadder tone.

“Look, rumors are going on about what had happened on Umbara. Awful things have been said, news spread fast between soldiers you know. We weren’t precisely informed about why that man is here, but if you say that he didn’t deserves it and since you know more than us, then I trust you. To be honest, he was looking so miserable when he came here that I felt sorry for him. Whatever happened had obviously broke him, and I think that he, indeed, deserve some support. The Council wanted him alone in a whole wing of the prison for a reason that I think I understand now, they didn’t want anyone to communicate with him because the situation must be problematic enough for them to keep it undercover. But that also means that nobody will know if someone come to visit him. On the contrary of the civilian prison, there’s no video monitoring in this building, so I think it’s safe.”

Your eyes immediately started to glimmer when you finally understood his point.

“Thank you so much Fox !” you let out with relief, “I could never thank you enough for that !”

“Well, let’s say that you owe me a couple drinks on our next night out at the 79’.” He let out with a teasing grin while standing up from his chair to head toward the door.

“As many as you want !” you exclaimed, following him in an instant.

***

As you entered the corridor leading to the cells aisle, the silence became crushing. The only thing that was breaking it was the repetitive sound of your footsteps on the cold floor, reverberating on the bare walls. You crossed the empty space without a word, until you arrived in front of a massive door.

“Here we are … You’ll need that to get inside and to go out, don’t forget to bring it back to me before leaving the building. This one cannot open the cell if that was what you were thinking about.” Fox joked, holding a pass card to you.

“It’s the cell number 42, take all the time you’ll need, nobody will come until 1900, he’s not allowed to go at the mess hall neither, so we have to bring him his diner here.”

“Thank you again Fox” you answered with a grateful look.

“No problems ma’am !”

As the Marshall Commander left you alone, you presented the pass in front of the locking pad, allowing the heavy curtain to open in a sudden whoosh sound. Once on the other side, you stayed on the doorstep for a moment, contemplating the disturbing, cold and endless corridor framed with little empty rooms on both side.

The ceiling was low and the luminosity wasn’t very high, making the space even more distressing. You flinched a little when the door suddenly closed behind you, pulling you out of your thoughts. You realized that you were awfully nervous as you felt your heart pounding faster in your chest.

You slowly started to move forward, looking around you to find the number 42 cell. It soon appeared into your field of vision, and you reached for it with a faster pace, your anxiety level increasing again and the fear of what you were about to find on the other side of the thick transparent door growing in your mind.

When you finally arrived in front of it, your heart instantly broke. Here he was, sat on the floor at the foot of his narrow bed, curled up on himself with his head settled on top of his bended knees, buried between his folded arms.

Seeing him like that made you want to cry, a mix of intense pity, sadness and despair hit you like a wave. You clenched your fists. He never deserved to be treated like that, you though. All you wanted to do right now was to break through that stupid door and take him into your arms to comfort him, to tell him that everything will be alright.

But you couldn’t.

So you just closed your eyes, took a deep breath and did your best to regain your composure, before reopening them and addressing him gently.

“Dogma ?” you let out in a soft, interrogative tone.

Your words were nearly a whisper, but still loud enough for him to hear you. His head slowly rose from his knees, and his eyes widened at your sight. You noticed that he must have been crying recently and probably was severely sleep deprived by the bags under his eyes, making you feel even worse for him.

“Ge … General ?” His voice was weak and trembling. “What are you doing here ? I thought I wasn’t allowed to see anyone …” He stood up with difficulty, nearly stumbling on his feet.

“I know” you breathed out, as he came closer, placing himself in front of you, “but let’s say I got a little help to bypass the problem.” you added with a smile.

A sudden expression of confusion crossed his face.

“Why would you do that ?” he asked.

“I needed to make sure that you were ok, I wanted to see you again, you know, I … I was worried about you.”

He was, indeed, looking miserable, and you could see by the sudden watering of his pupils that your concern was touching him deeply. He lowered his head, trying to hide his pain.

“Thank you … You didn’t had to, nobody care about murderers and traitors …”

“I care … What’s happening to you is not fair, and I needed you to know that I’m not gonna let you down, I will fight to get you out of here and to have you rehabilitated. I’m never leaving any of my men behind, you’re not alone Dogma.”

He couldn’t refrain his tears anymore, and he raised his hands to his face in an unsuccessful attempt to cover it.

“I will never get out of here ! The only think that I deserve right now is to be court marshalled and properly executed. The Jedi are never gonna let that pass.”

You throat tightened, tears raising at the corner of your own eyes. You wanted to stay strong, but it was becoming harder and harder not to fall apart.

“Please, don’t ever say that, it will not happen, I will never authorize it.” your voice was soft but determined, and you were putting all of your remaining energy into preventing it from cracking, “Listen, you did your best, you took the right decision …”

“But I nearly made you shot ! And all for nothing ! I acted like a fool, following orders blindly, and for what ? I nearly executed my own brothers ! You should hate me, all of you ! I’m a monster !” he harshly cut you, almost screaming with rage and frustration, his hands curling into fists against his distorted face.

The roughness of his words took you aback, you could hear his suffering piercing through his voice, and you had no idea what to answer him at first, your mouth staying open but no sound escaping it.

You stayed silent for a moment, searching for the right words, before swallowing hard and trying to articulate something.

“Dogma …” you murmured, “I don’t hate you, none of us do …”

His whole body was shaking, and you could hear the muffled sob he was trying to contain, but he wasn’t moving otherwise, his body like paralyzed with pain. You took a deep breath before going on again.

“Please, don’t be that hard on yourself, you did your best, you did what you thought was right, and nobody can blame you for that. I don’t want you to end up executed, I will never allow that, I promise you, I will plead your case in front of the Jedi Council. You’re a good soldier Dogma, and a good man, whatever mistake you’ve made, it’s hard enough to bear for you, I know your guilt is already enough of a burden, I don’t want you to be punished more than that. I’ve said it and I’ll say it again, you did your best, you deserve to live, and as any other of my men, you’re more than just a number to me, and I will do whatever I can to help you overcome all of this.”

The gentleness of your voice and your reassuring words soon made him calm down. His fists slowly unclenched and relaxed, his hands ending up slipping from his face as his sobbing turned into a silent whimper.

He was still not looking at you, but you knew by the twitching of his eye leads that he wanted to, but probably was too ashamed to do it.

“Thank you …” he shyly mumbled, still sniffling.

“It’s okay, you’re gonna be safe, I promise you” you muttered, absent mindlessly settling your hand on the clear door.

He caught a glimpse of your gesture from the corner of his eye, and it made him raise his head, surprised, his dark brown orbs finally meeting yours.

You stared at each other for a few seconds. The way he looked at you was so intense that it made your heart skips a bit. Then his gaze slowly lowered to land on the spot where your skin was touching the door. And without a warning, he raised one of his hand and gently placed it on the other side, his large palm and strong fingers entirely covering yours.

You saw him blink a few time, like if he was just realizing what he was doing, a faint shade of red appearing on his cheeks, but neither of you could remove your respective hand from the surface, too afraid to end this special moment and break the connection.

His body warmth was irradiating through the transparent material despite his thickness, and for a moment, you got lost in it, wondering about that strange feeling of being so close and so apart from each other at the same time.

***

When you showed up at the Jedi Temple later, you were having a knot in your stomach. You had the feeling that you were about to go through an excessively long interrogation. You were the only jedi to have witnessed what happened on Umbara, so you were a very important element for the understanding of the situation.

You were right.

The council spent hours questioning you on every little detail of the events. You did your best to stand for Dogma, to make them understand that it was the best thing to do, and that his action was a courageous and selfless one. But the council only listened to you, never showing what they were really thinking about it. They just sat here without a word, while you were pleading his case.

When you finally get out of the Council Chamber, you were feeling exhausted and empty. It took so long that the night was now upon Coruscant. The worst part was that you had absolutely no idea about what was going to happen now, and you couldn’t do anything more about it.

You sigh when you catch the view of the military prison while standing at the temple’s forecourt. You were supposed to go take some well-deserved sleep, but you wanted to visit the 501st before. You just needed to be surrounded by your men, to spend time with them, to talk to them, and to show them your undefective support. You were all in this together, after all.

Without even looking back, you go down the temple stairs and headed toward the GAR building, disappearing into the darkness.

***

As you were about to leave the prison on your first visit, Dogma asked you if you were going to come back again. And of course, you promised him that you will as soon as possible.

At that time, the Jedi Council had decided to not assign you to any new mission until the situation has been clarified. They needed to know how and by what means General Krell ended up betraying the Order and the Republic, how nobody was able to notice it sooner, and if anyone else among the jedi or the clones could have been or could still be complicit in the treason.

It was a really big deal both for the Order and for the GAR, and as you were a key witness, they needed you to stay near, both to protect you and to watch you, and you found yourself assigned to stay on Coruscant, while another jedi was temporarily affected to assist General Skywalker with the 501st.

They were still conducting interrogations among the clones, soldiers as well as officers, and you have already been auditioned several times yourself after meeting the Council, by the GAR committee of inquiry and even by the Chancellor himself.

But things weren’t going as easily as they should have. The whole situation seemed to be dragging on, and the pressure and suspicion that were weighting upon on you were harder and harder to bear. Even if the council wasn’t saying it out loud, you could feel that they were doubting you.

You were stuck on Coruscant, far from your battalion and worrying about your men, unable to help them when you should have been by there side to support them, and it was making you sick.

You had absolutely no idea about how long all of this was going to last, and the only thing you had been allowed to do was to helplessly wait until things could finally move on a little. It felt like a punishment to you. Maybe it was a way for the Council to test your nerves and patience, you couldn’t tell at this point.

It was hard and uncertain times for you. You could feel the distance growing between you and your fellow jedi every time you were trying to reach for one of them, to engage a conversation, to seek their company.

Something had changed in the way they were perceiving you, you knew it, but you couldn’t blame them, despite feeling lonely and outcasted. In all your spare time, you started to question yourself a lot, thinking about the purpose of this war, of the Order, even about your place in all of this, wandering if all of these sacrifices really were necessary, and if justice was finally going to come someday.

The Council eventually ended up assigning you to help Master Jocasta in the archives department, asking you to be patient, simply telling you that their investigation was progressing, although they never gave you much more details about it.

You kept asking them about the fate of the prisoner, but they just told you that it wasn’t the first priority right now, and that they’ll treat his case later.

You did your best to look as impassive and unaffected as possible during all that time, to not let your emotions and worries show too much to anyone, feigning to resiliently handle the situation. But on the inside, you were starting to grow more and more tired and desperate every day, and as much as you appreciated to work with Master Jocasta, you were badly craving to leave Coruscant and go back on missions again.

Since the beginning of the war, you had never spent as much consecutive time on that planet, and mostly, you had never been separated from your battalion for so long.

Of course, you always stayed in touch with them, no matter how far they were send to, but still, it was impossible for you not to worry about them. So every time they were back on Coruscant, you took the chance to spend as much time as possible with them.

Nothing was the same without you as they say, and nothing was the same without them. Despite all the hard times shared together, there were also moments of pure joy, fun and complicity, and you were missing those deeply.

You were missing each one of those clones very deeply, in fact.

That’s how your daily appointments at the prison began. Nobody knew except for Fox and Rex, to who you were regularly giving news about his soldier. You were extremely lucky to have the Marshall Commander on your side, you could have never done that without his help, at all. That man was a blessing, even if it had costed you so many drinks already. You’ll be forever owing him that favor.

Your routine was every day the same : you were leaving the Jedi temple at dawn, entering the prison by a hidden service door known only by the guards, and sneaking into Fox’s office to retrieve the pass before heading to Dogma’s cell.

Sometimes the Commander was here in his office to greet you and give it to you, sometimes he wasn’t and you were picking it up by yourself. He was trusting you blindly, as long as the pass was back in his drawer the moment you left. To be honest, you were a Jedi General, you were basically having the authorization to access to any office in the building if you really wanted to.

The only thing that was ultimately forbidden to you was to open one of these cells by yourself without the permission and supervision of the Senate or the Jedi Council.

Since you were visiting him, you could see that Dogma was in better shape than the first time you saw him. He was slowly regaining a bit of hope, and even if guilt was still hitting him hard sometimes, he started to understand that what he did was the only possible outcome at the time, it was going to happen anyway, whether by Rex’s hand or his own.

It seemed like your presence was the only glimpse of joy given to him in the never-ending state of isolation he was forced into, and witnessing his face enlightening and a warm smile growing on his lips as soon as you were showing in front of his cell was making your heart melt every time.

Every one of those encounters always ended up the same way : before leaving, you laid your hand against the door, and Dogma put his on the other side, in front of yours.

It was the gesture that comforted him the most the first time you came, and on the second visit, it was him who initiated it. He didn’t need to ask you, for you immediately understood what it meant when he settled his hand on the glassy surface, answering his move without a word.

The truth was, you needed comfort too, you were feeling absolutely down staying at the Temple, and you were even starting to lose track of time when remaining there for too long without going outside. The high and thick stone walls of the sacred building became more and more oppressive and started to feel less and less like home to you. All you wanted to do was to escape from here as much as you could, even if it was a very hard thing to accept.

In this context, visiting him soon became the only thing that was giving you a reason to keep waiting and to go on without losing your mind. It turned into the time of the day that you were waiting for the most, a very special and intimate moment that you wouldn’t miss for anything in the world.

You were opening more and more to each other, sharing more and more personal things at each occasion, to the point that you came to knew each other nearly better than anyone else ever. A very strong bond built up between the two of you. Something that emerged from loneliness and concern at first, but quickly evolved into a sincere and fond connection. You could both feel it, even if you weren’t understanding the true nature of it yet.

As the days passed by, you started to badly wish that you could cross the prohibition and open that door, to finally be able to touch him for real, to feel the warmth of his body and the contact of his skin against yours without any more filters or boundaries.

You weren’t supposed to allow yourself to get attached as a Jedi, but deep inside of you, you knew that it was too late, and this since a long time already.

But little do you knew that you weren’t the only one to feel like that.

[attn-all-pickpockets]

top 5 tmg lyrics

ok they have like 400 songs so this will be a gut reaction more than anything else but yes I love talking about their lyrics.

1: Thunder clouds forming, cream white moon Everything's gonna be okay soon Maybe tomorrow, maybe the next day

"Game Shows Touch Our Lives" Tallahassee

This was a mantra for me for a couple years. Tallahassee is my fave album and this song is sweet and tender within the context of the Alpha Couple's impulses to do bad things and their completely toxic relationship. I'm not an optimist, but I am the kind of person that believes in the Law of Large Numbers and that statistically you can't keep running into bad luck and that you're luck will turn eventually and that's what these lyrics mean to me. Obviously that law is for probability and data sets but what is life except a giant data set. I will continue to believe this even though it truly makes no sense, but this is my belief system.

2: And the dull pain that you live with isn't getting any duller

"The Young Thousands" We Shall All Be Healed

Sometimes I hit a depression spell and I just try to power through it because again, I believe in some sort of cosmic balance and that everything will run its course, but this line is for when the dull pain is not getting any duller :/ Also I needed them to put a song from We Shall All Be Healed in Breaking Bad, both are about meth.

3: We were here once, me and my friends But we destroyed all of the evidence And vanished into the night At least we got that one right

"Steal Smoked Fish" Bonus single from Transcendental Youth

I became very obsessed with this song after graduating college. All my friends I had just spent 4 years with nearly every day were suddenly far away from me, I couldn't find a damn job and I had to move back home, my ultimate flop era. But also realizing how fleeting friendships and moments can be is so bittersweet and this is a song that gets that. Its subject matter is more serious than no longer being within walking distance between friends since this is John reflecting on the people he knew when he struggled with addiction in Portland, but there is a part of going through a really tough time with people and looking back at that time with some longing. I'm so much happier now and would never want to go back to that stress and depressed anxious state I was fucking stuck in for 4 years, but that camaraderie is something I don't have in my life anymore.

4: And then you're singing in Dutch to me And I recognize the song It seems so old and so fragile And I haven't heard it in so long

"Minnesota" Full Force Galesburg

I love this song so much, when they played it live at a show I went to I started full on sobbing as they danced and sang. I think this song is not supposed to be a love song but it feels so tender and vulnerable to me. The occupants of the house are lost ("not as far west") and the house seems to be on the verge of something terrible ("house is throbbing"), but in the moment they have this old and fragile thing to hold onto. It's so so tmg to find these moments before the storm and to just occupy them for a little and in some way that feels deeply comforting to me. Also it's just a really beautiful song!

5: Yeah, you and me and a table set for three Just in case our assassin should finally come through Anhydrous and matches, why don't we cook up two more batches? With the time closing in on me and then on you

"You and Me and a High Balcony" Unreleased

There's something so brain stimulating to me the way he pronounces "Anhydrous and matches, why don't we cook up two more batches?" like it's just so good. Not to ignore setting aside a spot at the dinner table for your assassin.

Misc ones Let's do a funny one: see I'm Perfectly aware of where our love stands But the plain fact is that you owe me eight grand

"Alpha Desperation March" Bitter Melon Farm

This shit is so funny. Babe I am perfectly aware of where our love stands but you owe me eight grand, you probably forgot because of all the drinking we've been doing.

I mention this constantly: I'm gonna miss you when you're gone

"The Recognition Scene" Sweden

I mention this song pretty frequently because I love the concept of using the Greek play "recognition scene" in the concept of seeing the breaking point of a relationship and that it's over. So while this line isn't unique, the whole song framed by the narrator's understanding they stand in a relationship that's now over makes it so interesting to me.

No Children: I hope it stays dark forever I hope the worst isn't over

"No Children" Tallahassee

No, he's right, sometimes I do hope it stays dark forever and that the worse isn't over.

[canmom]

Heya! I saw ur post about ssris a bit back. Thank you for talking about your experience. I am potentially about to go onto ssris, and I really appreciated hearing about an experience that wasn't good and, in fact, actively harmful. Do you think there are scenarios where ssris are the right choice? Just because I'm curious about your thoughts! Have a nice day :)

so the non-answer is that SSRIs are the right choice iff they work and the benefit they give is not less than the negative impacts of the side effects.

all i can really report is what my experience was, i'm afraid! I feel bad about it and resentful, but I can't actually compare against the counterfactual of 'what my life would have been if I had never taken SSRIs' or 'if they told me they were giving me SSRIs and actually gave me sugar pills'. am I deluding myself, when in reality SSRIs helped me? it's so hard to tell, I only know the life that happened.

so far as i understand, the metastudies of randomised double-blind placebo-controlled trials of SSRIs for depression say... well ok it's kinda prevaricatey. 2008 and 2010 the meta-studies say 'no better than placebo' for 'mild' to 'moderate' depression but stronger for 'severe' depression. 2012 a meta-study says they are significantly effective after all... but the authors work for the pharma industry. ('significant' here means that the apparent effect is unlikely to have occurred coincidentally by chance, not that it is necessarily a particularly large effect. for a weak but significant effect, you need a larger study to detect it.)

in 2017 another study comes along and says that well maybe they're significant but the effect size is really small so it's probably not worth the side effects. another paper criticises this conclusion... but the authors work for the pharma industry. you can go read that WP link for the details and to get the papers. (if they're paywalled, grab the DOI and get them off scihub.)

now, I think if you're dealing with depression, you know it's super hard to have any sense of how you're doing compared to how you were some time ago. when you're really in the thick of it, the world just looks bleak, and you can't really comprehend the time when things were better, even if it was just a day or even an hour ago. in my experience at least, depression varies in severity, and I have a poor memory of 'how bad' it was in the past.

you can imagine how difficult that is for a study design. if i take a pill when i'm at absolute rock bottom and i start to feel better afterwards, is that the effect of the pill, or just regression to the mean?

i don't know how these studies are conducted in detail. they probably have some kind of 'depression inventory' questionnaire to act as a proxy for 'how depressed you are'. seems like a pretty murky subject though.

should you take SSRIs? if i got to go back in time and try those years over, I think I would try going without. but that might be a 'grass is greener' thing. I felt very bad in those years, but that prove I might not have felt even worse had I not been on SSRIs. what I can at least say is that SSRIs did not cure my depression, so if that's what you're hoping to get out of them, I would say it's not very likely.

(what I suspect I really needed back then was stimulants to treat ADHD, which I believe was the root of the situation that was making me feel so desperate and hopeless. but also if I had been given that treatment, my life would be so different it's hard to imagine.)

[littlemoondarling]

An honest brainstorming session about trying to figure out why I've been so horrible at communicating with my friends lately

I feel like from the last quarter of 2023 till now there has been a noticable shift in the way my friendships have been going, people who I used to talk to daily have almost fully disappeared, only being chatted with once or twice a month. The kind of banter and smooth conversations that we used to have ar gone. At first I thought it might be them, but now after it's happened to the fourth friend I have been faced with the reality that I am, indeed, the common denominator, especially with one of my best friends doing everything in their power and more to keep our friendship going (which is so much more than I deserve given how dry and just shitty I have been to them)

I want to know why, why did this happen? Because I genuinely enjoy talking to these people, I mean there is a reason why we have been friends for years!

I think one of the reasons is my increased anxiety and paranoia, as whenever I'm talking to anyone it has been getting increasingly more difficult to ignore the voice that tells me that I am talking too much, talking too little, being too annoying, being too boring, being weird, being bland, etc etc

And when you are overthinking every single message that you send and receive, it becomes nearly impossible to have natural banter and not interrupt the flow of the convo.

Another reason I think is my loneliness and my desperation for attention, yes this is very embarrassing to admit but alas it's not like I have any sort of dignity left. I sometimes feel like I'm not given enough (keep in mind that just because I feel something doesn't make it true) like the enthusiasm and curiosity that I express when they are talking about their projects and lives is almost never met with the same amount from them when I'm talking about mine. That makes me feel a bit bitter when talking to certain people, now a better person would either work on the root cause of this problem within themselves or communicate the issue to the other person, but unfortunately I'm no good at that.

Another thing that is much more easy to understand is that my depression has been sucking the life out of me, my brain is being left fuzzy and confused more times than not, so much so that even thinking of a topic to talk about is just off the table some days. And my energy is so low that chatting is exhausting to me, not to mention audio messages which spike my anxiety and take so so much energy to listen to.

Idk what the point of this was as I've reached the end with no solutions, I suppose I just wanted some place to puke out my thoughts on.

Tldr, if you're one of my friends and you notice that I've been much more distant and off, it's not your fault, it's a combination of issues that should've been dealt with ages ago but are now so wrapped and crumpled together that they seem impossible to work through.... so this problem might stay for a while... just know that I genuinely appreciate talking to you and deeply enjoy it even if it doesn't really seem like it after what I said but just believe me ok?

[lovelyjj]

waves | jj maybank

jj maybank x reader

summary: jj is always there for you, even on the bad days.

words: 1,416

WARNINGS: descriptions of **anxiety and depression**, crying, brief mentions of abuse, and super brief nudity (not sexual) mainly a hurt/comfort fic but mental health problems are present so please please do not read if this could be **triggering!! or make you uncomfortable in any way!!! this has a lot more angst than intended but it is fluffy i think??

waves.

a once calm body of water, erupting with big crashing waves, large enough to swallow one whole. a vast ocean, with rocky boats and sinking ships, the windy atmosphere creates huge circular water forces.

similarly, you felt like maybe your thoughts were waves, drowning you. that you couldn't escape them and they were dragging you under. It felt as if you were smothered with negative energies, fears and ideas.

I'm not good enough. everyone hates me. what's the point of anything. I am terrified of the unknown.

just when you thought you could not keep swimming in your own water of sadness and worry, you had people to help keep you afloat.

this week, had been one of the worse ones. you could not seem to escape your own mind. school was out for summer leaving you alone to deal with your negative thoughts.

———

"almost there baby" JJ whispered.

you were currently on the HMS pogue out in the open water. your legs were webbed together and your head was against his shoulder. desperately trying to distract yourself from the situation, you ran the tip of your finger over his knuckles. the cold metal of his rings sparking some sort of grounding for you.

the impending doom that something was going to happen, the boat tipping, sinking or something was coming to take the people that you love away was trying to resurface and surround your mind.

when JJs voice breaks through to you as you play with his fingers, his arm holding you closer to him, you nod softly letting him know that you can hold on just a little longer.

somehow you got back to John Bs chateau, you were not sure how though. it was kind of blurry and you only focused on the warmth JJs hoodie provided you. the comfort of wearing the clothing item was able to get you into the house. feeling safer on the ground, you stumbled into the bedroom to hideout and calm down in there.

the rest of the pogues all looked to JJ sympathetically, letting him take the lead on helping you. they all gave you both your space.

"we'll be out back if you need us" John B spoke. Pope patted JJs shoulder and the friend group all walked out into the backyard.

after grabbing some water for you, JJ entered the bedroom. he knocked softly on the door, pushing it open.

the scene before him made him so sad. his heart stopped for a minute at your curled up figure under the covers. your heart was always glowing with kindness, and you were there for him when his so called father was assaulting him.

even if you felt like the whole world was turning its back on you, you never once let him or any of your friends go through their own battles alone. that being said, he would raise hell on all of outer banks if you were going to be alone with your own demons.

"princess? you doing ok? I brought you some water." your head was peaking out over the blanket, JJ stroked your head and scratched at your scalp. "can you sit up for me and drink bug?"

your body had been position towards him, always looking to him and allowing his help. giving into his request you sat up, resting your head on his chest and climbing into his lap. he brought the cold water to your lips and you sipped occasionally.

"I'm proud of you, you know. you’re doing so good and even if you feel you're not I'm still proud." his words hit the nail on your heart and you could no longer control your emotions, the tears began to fall.

You pushed your face into the warm skin of his neck as he began rubbing your back. "I know, I know. It's okay," JJ soothed.

"J, i'm so—" you started.

"no stop, it's okay. we can talk later. you should rest." he held you tighter as you fused against him.

JJ whispered again gently "go to sleep baby," and pulled more of the blankets around you. closing your eyes your last thought before drifting off was how on earth you got lucky enough to have JJ in your life.

———

you had been barricading in your room for days now. you dodged the pogues and explained you needed time to breathe. going out was the last thing you wanted to do.

J baby: y/n??

J baby: I'm giving you some space but i wanna see you. miss you so much :(

J baby: remember you're strong

J baby: i'm coming over lovebug!!

of course you wanted to see him. you just didn't want to burden him. but you did love him. finally you decided to reply back to one of his texts. after sending an "ok" you realized he was probably already on his way.

he was. JJ was stomping into your room in no time and over the moon that you even had it in you to text him back.

"baby I'm here!"

wrapping his arms around you on the bed he clung to you, as you did him. you felt like maybe this isn't real? that if you don't hug him tightly, if you don't hold and cling to him back, he'll fade away.

you tried your hardest to push yourself against him to signify the realness of him, and he knew that. he loved you so much, and never made you second guess your relationship. but you hated yourself for pushing him away from you and isolating. this was one of your ways of apologizing.

"wanna shower bug? i'll help you." he smirked.

you scoffed, "and here I thought you were coming to rescue me."

"oh, of course of course, I am" he laughed, "it's just I know you'll feel better." he kissed your cheek and gave you a light smile. He always knew exactly what you needed.

So, you smiled, a genuine smile, as you seemed to do around him. He went to turn on the water while you got some more towels for the both of you.

The bathroom soon filled with steam as the two of you undressed. The warm water was appreciated by you tense muscles. The intimacy of the shower helped you relax.

Your boyfriend held you together and helped you get clean. He used your banana shampoo and did his best to wash your anxieties down the the drain with it.

———

"you wanna get out of here for a little while" JJ suggested. you were sitting on your bed watching movies with him. you still haven't had the energy to leave your house as more days past.

"why, what do you have in mind?" you asked.

"I don't know we could go for a drive and get slushies." knowing you might feel nervous he added, "only if you want too of course."

sighing you figured it probably be good to get some fresh air, "yeah ok, as long as I have you." giving him a grin, you agreed.

"don't worry, I'll protect you." he assured grabbing both your hands and pulling you up.

the drive to the little gas station was not as long as you thought it would be. the playlist you made together was filling your ears and keeping your heart beat normal. JJs hand rested on your knee as he drove.

when you entered the little snack shop hand in hand, you skipped to the bright colored icee machine.

"what flavor you thinking of getting bug?" JJ spoke mouth hitting your temple. you pushed your lips together and reflected over all the choices, "hmm probably cherry" you gave a small smile.

after paying for the slurpees, JJ deciding on the blue raspberry, he asked if you wanted to go down to the sand.

despite what others might think, you would follow him anywhere. so you went down to the little beach area, enjoying the breeze and the setting sun. you sat between his legs, using his chest as a back rest. The sky was painted an array of colors just like your tongues.

after talking quietly for hours, the sugary beverages were in your systems and the only sounds in the dark of the night was of the waves hitting the shore. you rested your head on his shoulder, "thank you J, for everything."

you were an anchor and just as you were sinking, and dragging below the surface, you were being lifted up.

[wattpadscapcons]

Breakdown (Pregame! Kokichi x Reader)

Tw: Extreme emotional distress, bullying, Shuichi is the depressed friend that needs some fucking therapy, so does Kokichi let's be honest, anxiety attack, hurt/comfort, sorta angsty but with a happy end?

Word Count: 2092 oh jesus I beat my record

=

He's gone. Kokichi was supposed to meet you at the gate like usual, but he wasn't there. He never makes you wait for very long, and usually tells you when he's being held up. You wait a good ten minutes before a sense of dread starts to hang over you.

=

"Did he go home already?"

Something doesn't feel right.

On a hunch, you travel back through the school building. Room by room, you search, occasionally stopping teachers going out the door asking if they'd seen him. By the time you cleared the entire first floor, it was half an hour past your regular meeting time.

=

Outside of his classes, it seemed like he blended into the crowd to escape the watchful eyes of others. He had a talent for avoiding being seen despite his bright hair. Sometimes you wonder why he chose to dye it at all, as the highlights only seemed to help people spot him faster.

You were starting to panic, he would've called, texted, something! You desperately dashed down the hallways, frantically looking everywhere for him. You checked the second floor in less than 10 minutes, dashing for the stairs you almost fall a few times. The third floor was empty too, save for the few people stuck in detention. There was only one more spot you could look for him before you can start panicking for real.

On the rooftop, you find him. You caught the purple-tinted highlights in his jet-black hair. The relief washed over you before you are once again filled with that sick, painful feeling in your chest. His quiet cries could be heard when you were focused on it. You gently move the steel door in front of you and quietly close it before slinking forward towards him. He hasn't noticed you're there yet.

=

Curled up into a ball, eyes clamped shut, he has a hand covering his mouth in an attempt to muffle any of his cries. The tear tracks on his face only seem to grow in number with the passing moments. He's completely broken down by the time you reach him, sobbing uncontrollably. He flinches at your touch before quickly turning to look at you with fear. Upon realizing it was you, his shoulders relaxed some but he couldn't stop the stream of tears.

=

".....Y/N...."

He could barely speak. He felt like the walls of his throat were closing up every time he attempted to get a word out to you. He was choking up on his own tears.

=

You move to envelop in him a hug, and he clings to you, his fingers digging into your back.

"Shhh... You're ok..."

He tried to speak again but it came out a string of noncoherent babbling due to the shakiness of his voice. He keeps saying that he's sorry, but you have a feeling that wasn't meant for you.

"You're going to be ok Kichi.... just try to breathe..."

=

Any attempts he'd made to follow your instructions were followed by a painful wheeze before he returned back to his sobbing. You were afraid that he was on the verge of or had already had an anxiety attack while you were searching for him.

All you could do is sit there and listen to him, switching from gently raking your fingers through his hair and rubbing small circles into his back. He went into a torturous coughing fit before he finally seemed to settle a little, head buried in your neck. He was still upset, but stable enough to try to move.

In a single movement, you pick him up and grab his bag. His grips on your shirt tightened and wrapped his legs around your waist. He's not letting go any time soon. You can't make him, and he's not going to let you pry him off of you, not that you would try. You've had him cling to you like this when he got moody.

=

This isn't the first time he's had an emotional breakdown, but this is the first time he actively went to hide from you. He'd usually tell you when he was reaching his breaking point. He'd cling to your side saying "I can't take it anymore." You'd direct him to an empty classroom no one used anymore, and he'd either scream, cry, or attempt to break something to get rid of the stress he was feeling.

He didn't seek you out, he didn't go to the usual spot to let go of his emotions without you, he didn't even try to put on a façade when you found him. This scared you beyond belief, and the place he chose to hide? A kid just jumped from there a week ago. While you knew he couldn't climb the fence they put up to prevent further incidents, you'd hate to think what would happen if they weren't.

=

You could feel his racing heartbeat slowing as you carried him back to your home. The tears stopped, he was breathing better, and by the time you got to the house, he could find his voice again.

"It's been a bad day..."

"I bet, I've never seen you that upset before butterfly..."

"Please....don't call me that right now...Butterflies are weak, fragile. Please don't compare me to them..."

"I only ever called you that as my own way of calling you beautiful."

"I know....just...just not today..."

=

You had made sure he ate something and got him a bottle of water later letting him settle in your lap. He seemed to purr every time you had your hands in his hair. Seemingly melting into your touch, he stayed glued to you for most of the day, letting out a whine every time you went to set him down. You were just glad he was feeling better, though you had to wonder just what had made him so upset.

=

"Hey Kichi?"

"Hm?"

"What made you so upset? I've never seen you like that before. I had to search the entire school just to find you too...That isn't what you usually do when you're upset."

He was silent and turned to look away from you. He tried to get up to run, but you grabbed him before he could escape.

=

"You're not running from me now. Please just trust me?"

"It's not something you're going to want to hear beloved...."

"I just want to know you're ok. That you aren't hurt."

He finally met your eyes today. They were full of something you couldn't identify. He let out a sigh before leaning back against your shoulder once more.

=

"It started with Kaito's torment when we parted for classes this morning. I thought I'd just get a black eye, but instead, he just went for mind games instead."

"Huh, I thought he wasn't smart enough to do that kind of stuff."

"....He was making me question my relationship with you again."

"How?"

"Well, he started comparing me with your exs, pointing out everything that made me inferior to them pretty much. I was a little upset, but it didn't have me breaking down since he did eventually leave me the fuck alone." There was some venom in that part, which was completely understandable.

"So he didn't touch you this time?"

"No....Thank god. But I'm pretty sure everyone had it out for me today, everywhere I went people were trying to mess with me. Insulting me mostly, showing fake sympathy toward you for "being forced to date me", and other things..."

He got a look in his eyes that pleaded with you to just leave it at that.

"Other things?" The question slipped from you slowly, unsure if he'd even give you an answer.

"Kaede and Rantaro basically cornered me before we met up for lunch and told me lies about you cheating on me like usual, but they added onto it by saying "Of course they did, you really think they'd like a crossdressing loser like you?" when I tried to call them out on it. You didn't....tell them did you?"

"No. I wouldn't have ever told them about that. What you do in private is none of their damn business. You know well that I wouldn't cheat on you either."

"I know you wouldn't but the person they said you did "it" with pisses me off more than them calling you a whore."

"Who'd they say I shacked up with this time?" Voice filled with annoyance, you can start to feel your blood boil the longer he talks. You are so throwing a few people down the stairs next week...

"Kagehara..."

"Oh for fucks sake! He's like my brother for god's sake!"

"Imagine how I feel! People saying one of my best friends is sleeping with my partner, it was sickening."

"I think I was angrier when they said it was Gokuhara. You know damn well the guy is too paranoid that he's going to hurt someone..."

"I fucking hate them all."

"Because they never stop lying, I'm aware dear."

"Especially Shirogane."

"Tsumugi? What'd she do?"

"Said that she had proof you were cheating on me, then showed me some of your old text messages from two years ago. It was so blatantly obvious, she literally wasn't even trying."

"Two years ago...Wait did you go through my phone?!"

"I got bored. I knew you weren't doing anything bad, I just wanted to know who to play some pranks on. I stayed off your google search history if that's what you're so worried about..."

"Oh thank god."

"I'm not going to ask... Well after Tsumugi I was surprised to see that Shumai was also messing with me."

"Even Shuichi? Damn...we really need new friends."

"He had said that we should just sign up for Danganronpa already."

"I told the both of you "no" already."

"I'm not considering it! Jesus...He's just depressed, I could see it. The guy can't catch a break with being bullied, and being with his friends and Danganronpa seem to be his only coping mechanisms."

"Is that what made you snap?"

"No, I got that way because he said I was going to end up alone just like him one day."

"Ok, I'm going to kill him."

"No. No, you're not. I overreacted, I was just so stressed from what everyone was saying. I couldn't handle being around anyone else, so I hid on the roof after lunch and just....well you know the rest. I don't even really blame him for that, I know he's just...venting out his own fears. He wouldn't intentionally try to hurt me."

"You're usually not so forgiving for things like that Kokichi...."

"What can I say? You've had quite the effect on me."

=

After that, the two of you couldn't find the voice to continue. You were angry beyond belief but desperately kept it together in an attempt to keep him calm. For a few hours, the two of you just cuddled in silence, to the point where you were convinced he fell asleep. In reality, he was just thinking about the day’s events again, playing on rewind in his head.

"I'm such an idiot, to get so worked up over their bullshit..."

"Kokichi, you aren't the only one who gets upset over things people tell you. I'm just as upset that they had the nerve to say that all to you. I wish I was there to cover your ears and move you away like last time. They don't deserve to be heard over half the time anyway."

"Mm..."

"I think I would've reacted in the same way, if it was me."

"Doubt it...You're a lot stronger than me in that sense."

"Darling I just cried over my favorite anime character dying yesterday. Making me look better isn't your day job."

"Just take it as a compliment and let me use you as a pillow."

"You staying the night again?"

"I sneak into your room every other night just to see you, of course, I'm staying. It's weird you even have to ask at this point."

=

By the morning he was feeling like himself again, and he could put up his façade again if he so chose to. Strangely he didn't, you wonder if that's due to yesterday or he just felt comfortable enough to be real with you today. Regardless, you were happy that things can go to a semi-normal state while you planned to hurt a lot of people via the internet. Kokichi should really confiscate your phone before something bad happens.

=

@ohlookitsnormannn your man needs you. Blep. This is kinda trash but I felt way too compelled to write it.

[ayeshathestyles]

How They Met (Part 1)

*Y/N's Point Of View*

Being an actress people think I have a super happening life. They probably think I am always out shopping for designer clothes and expensive jewelry or in a bar or posh restaurant with my elite friend circle or something like that. While yes, I do have some famous and rich friends and I sometimes do buy stuff for exorbitant rates, I also have days where I find myself alone in my house, feeling spiritless and bored as fuck. These days I am feeling lonely more than I normally do.

Today was one of those days. Everything around me was seeming so...mundane and colourless. I just came back from a photoshoot for some rubbish magazine I don't give a flying fuck about and now I was sat on my grey couch, that I had bought a few weeks ago, browsing through Netflix, desperately hoping to find some appealing movie that I hadn't already watched. The weather was equally depressing. The sky was grey and it was raining cats and dogs. Ugh...I wish I had a boyfriend. Somebody to hold hands with and cuddle. Somebody to give me company.

Now don't get me wrong, I have wonderful friends who love me to death and I feet the same about them. But having friends isn't the same as having a boyfriend. So here I am, simply daydreaming away while some lucky girl is having a little meet cute with her soulmate.

Way to go Y/N!

When I, after searching for approximately an hour, didn't find any movie to watch, I gave up and just stared out the window at the grey sky. Suddenly, my phone rang and I saw my close friend Jenny's name. I picked up and said a rather humdrum hello to her.

She said "Hey girl! What's up?" in an animated way.

"Nothing at all. Just getting bored to death." I replied

"Gosh, you're so overdramatic!" she said. "Anyway, I called you to remind you of my birthday party next week. If you don't come I'll kill you." she continued.

"Will there be any cute guys there?" I asked, still pretty uninterested expecting a vague or lame answer from her.

"Of course!" she squeaked in her high pitched voice.

"Wait, is Harry Styles going to be there? Can you set me up with him if he is" I gushed out and now feeling embarrassed of my eagerness. The thing is, Harry Styles was my school crush and though now I am not as obsessed with him like I used to be, I still kind of like him. It suddenly clicked to me that Jenny happens to be friends with Harry, though they aren't very close, they are close enough for me to ask.

"I haven't invited him, I didn't even think of him while making the guest list. Sorry honey." she said slowly and sorrily. Suddenly all of my eagerness turned back into listlessness.

Of course she didn't, what were you thinking? You don't even have a chance.

"It's fine. It was foolish to think I had a chance. Life can't be that nice to me, can she? Anyway, don't worry. It's ok. I didn't have a chance." I finished lamely to keep her from feeling bad, it wasn't her fault.

She sighed and then said "Wait, I think I can still invite him. Don't know if he'll end up coming but I can try." she said sweetly. Gosh, she is so nice, I thought to myself.

"No no. You don't need to do all this for me. I'll live without dating Harry Styles, don't worry girl." I joked.

"You have been so lonely lately and I know about your crush on him, this is the least I can do for you. You have always been there for me, and this is nothing,"

"You're too nice. I am really grateful." I said meaning every word of my sentence.

"Aww you're too cute."

I smiled

"Oh and can you please not tell him how I acted so eager and keen to meet him and forced you to invite him? Just tell him you want to set him up with me, that's it. Please?" I said in order to prevent myself from looking desperate in front of Harry Styles.

"First of all, you didn't force me and secondly, don't worry I won't tell him." she said

"Oh you're the best. I love you!"

She let out of a light chuckle and said "Love you too! Ok, I need to go now. Bye!"

"Bye." I said and cut the call.

I felt this sense of euphoria after the call. The slight possibility of me dating Harry Styles just made me feel in a way I can't describe using adjectives. I felt like an 8th grader when she finds out her crush may ask her out. I knew that he probably won't come since he lives in London and the party is in LA. Even I live in London though I grew up in India where I am originally from but I have to stay in LA and New York a lot for my movie shoots. Harry was much more older than I was but I didn't care. I am an adult free to do whatever and age is just a number.

I prayed to God hoping Harry was single and comes to the party and falls for me. Desperate, I know but I really felt alone and needed a guy. And I would be more than ecstatic if that guy was Harry Styles. He just seemed the best. It wasn't just his looks, he was so nice to people and so funny.

Life, be nice to me one more time.....please.

Masterlist | Part 2

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hello everyone! I hope you enjoyed this. I am incredibly sorry for the lame finishing and making this part so uninteresting. This is my first time writing and I promise I'll get better with time and practice. The next part hopefully be much more interesting and our two protagonists will finally meet or will they? (Cheeky smirk) Guess only time will tell. Everyone, please reblog, follow and share this and help me expand my blog. And bear along with me. I promise the story will get better from here. Also, Harry and Y/N's age gap is 11 years, in this story he is 32 and Y/N who is a distinguished, acclaimed and renowned actress is 21. Don't judge, it's my imagination at the end of the day. And Ayesha is not my real name, it's my pseudonym. If you have any suggestions, questions, feedback, advice or concept please don't hesitate to send them. Thank you once again for reading this.

Lots of love!

[latte-fairytaekwoon]

𝙰𝚝𝚎𝚎𝚣 𝚈𝚊𝚗𝚍𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝙿𝚛𝚘𝚏𝚒𝚕𝚎𝚜: 𝙲𝚑𝚘𝚒 𝙹𝚘𝚗𝚐𝚑𝚘

Disclaimer: In no way am I trying to condone, justify, encourage, promote nor romanticize Yandere behavior or lifestyle. This is all a work of fiction and not meant to represent real life scenarios.

Warnings: Mentions of toxic relationships, possessive/obsessive behavior, stalking, kidnapping, physical aggression, sexual harassment (not from reader/member's side), domestic violence, sexual scenes, brief mention of contemplated abortion, hints of post-partum depression, attempted murder, actual murder, death.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

𝐁𝐚𝐬𝐢𝐜 𝐈𝐧𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐦𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧:

𝙽𝚊𝚖𝚎: 𝙲𝚑𝚘𝚒 𝙹𝚘𝚗𝚐𝚑𝚘

𝙳.𝙾.𝙱: 𝙾𝚌𝚝𝚘𝚋𝚎𝚛 𝟷𝟸𝚝𝚑, 𝟸𝟶𝟶𝟶

𝙷𝚎𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝: 𝟷𝟽𝟼 𝙲𝙼/ 𝟻'𝟿 𝙵𝚃

𝙰𝚐𝚛𝚎𝚜𝚜𝚒𝚘𝚗 𝙻𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚕: ■■■■□80%

𝙾𝚋𝚜𝚎𝚜𝚜𝚒𝚘𝚗 𝙻𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚕: ■■■■□90%

𝙼𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚊𝚕 𝙸𝚗𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚋𝚒𝚕𝚒𝚝𝚢: ■■■■□80%

𝙾𝚟𝚎𝚛𝚊𝚕𝚕 𝚃𝚑𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚝 𝙻𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚕: 𝙸𝚗𝚝𝚎𝚛𝚖𝚎𝚍𝚒𝚊𝚝𝚎

𝚈𝚊𝚗𝚍𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝙲𝚕𝚊𝚜𝚜𝚒𝚏𝚒𝚌𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗: 𝙾𝚟𝚎𝚛𝚙𝚛𝚘𝚝𝚎𝚌𝚝𝚒𝚟𝚎

𝙱𝚎𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚒𝚘𝚛𝚊𝚕 𝙰𝚗𝚊𝚕𝚢𝚜𝚒𝚜:

𝙾𝚟𝚎𝚛𝚋𝚎𝚊𝚛𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚗𝚎𝚎𝚍 𝚝𝚘 𝚠𝚊𝚝𝚌𝚑 𝚘𝚟𝚎𝚛 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝚒𝚗𝚝𝚎𝚛𝚎𝚜𝚝.

𝙿𝚛𝚘𝚗𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚒𝚗𝚝𝚎𝚗𝚜𝚎 𝚛𝚊𝚐𝚎 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚓𝚎𝚊𝚕𝚘𝚞𝚜𝚢.

𝚁𝚎𝚏𝚞𝚜𝚊𝚕 𝚝𝚘 𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚘𝚠 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝚒𝚗𝚝𝚎𝚛𝚎𝚜𝚝 𝚊𝚛𝚘𝚞𝚗𝚍 𝚘𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚜.

𝙴𝚡𝚝𝚛𝚊𝚘𝚛𝚍𝚒𝚗𝚊𝚛𝚢 𝚑𝚞𝚖𝚊𝚗 𝚜𝚝𝚛𝚎𝚗𝚐𝚝𝚑 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚐𝚎𝚝𝚜 𝚛𝚎𝚕𝚎𝚊𝚜𝚎𝚍 𝚠𝚑𝚎𝚗 𝚙𝚛𝚘𝚟𝚘𝚔𝚎𝚍.

𝚄𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚝𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚊𝚕 𝚋𝚞𝚝 𝚜𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝚙𝚑𝚢𝚜𝚒𝚌𝚊𝚕 𝚑𝚊𝚛𝚖 𝚍𝚘𝚗𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝚒𝚗𝚝𝚎𝚛𝚎𝚜𝚝.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

You were such a small and fragile thing....of course it was his duty to protect you.

From the very day he watched you walk down the stairs from the university.

You were carrying so many books and folders, you failed to notice the skateboard some idiot left there.

Jongho was there just in time to prevent you from falling and hitting your head.

As he looked into your eyes, he felt a strange feeling rising in his chest.

"Are you ok?" He looked you all over, making sure you weren't hurt.

Your face was no doubt red, both at being flustered by Jongho's handsome face and his strong arms holding you.

And from embarrassment cause you're a clumsy fool.

"Yeah... thanks."

Jongho was sweet enough to gather all of your things, handing them back to you with the most adorable gummy smile that had you melting.

"See you around." He sent you a wink and picked up the skateboard, knowing fully well who it belonged to.

He came in class and made his way over to his desk, but not before bonking the person next to him with the skateboard.

"What the fuck man?!" The guy took off his beanie and soothed the hurt spot.

"Stop leaving your trash at random places Yeosang."

He grumbled as he took his seat, but for the rest of the day, he couldn't concentrate on anything that wasn't you.

And it was like that for the rest of the semester .

Jongho was constantly checking up on you whenever he could.

Making sure you were ok and not getting hurt.

Of course.....you never knew about this.

Never noticed him lurking around in the shadows whenever you went home nor when you were doing the most ordinary things in life.

You just kept going on with your daily routine, not noticing the pair of eyes following you, or as he liked to call it:

Watch over you.

Jongho made it his personal mission to protect you, and he did that in several ways.

Whenever someone would trip you in the hallways, he'd end up slamming them onto their lockers.

If any guy decided to try and cat call you or flirt with you, they were met with a punch to their gut.

But the worse? The worse came during the middle of the year.

One of your professors started creeping you out.

He would often pat your back, telling you how well you did on your test or presentations.

But his hand would be too low than what you felt comfortable with.

You often just shimmied out of his touch and just smiled awkwardly, while walking out of there as fast as you could.

Or he'd often leave notes on your returned homework and offer you candy, which you adamantly refused.

It all culminated when your professors overstepped all boundaries when he asked to speak to you one day after class.

You were of course already nervous.

Jongho on the other hand, was clenching his fist so tightly, blood was slightly drawn from his nails digging into his palm.

He had to watch as the professor practically pressed you up against the wall.

You shoved him away and got out of there as fast as you could, with all intention of telling the school board what happened.

Until the professor threatened to purposefully fail you if you didn't accept his advances.

Jongho merely scoffed.

He stayed long enough to make sure you made it home safely.

Then he decided to go hunting for a certain bastard.

Taking advantage of the dark of night, he covered his face with a mask and wore dark clothing.

Easily breaking into the man's house, he took him by surprise before proceeding to use his bare fists to beat the shit out of him.

Jongho really wanted to kill him at the moment, but held himself back.

He wanted to get his point across and he was going to get it.

Leaving him bleeding profusely, his breathing raspy, Jongho gave him one warning:

"Y/N is mine. Stay the fuck away from her or I'll really kill you next time."

It worked because the professor soon left his resignation letter, not wanting to face of whoever it was that was watching over you.

Jongho felt proud of himself for getting him away from you.

But then guilt started to eat him alive.

If only he'd taken better care of you, this would have never happened.

Out there, all alone in the world........you were so vulnerable and defenseless.

He had to do something about it.

One night while you were fast asleep, he came inside your house.

He thank the heavens you were a heavy sleeper, otherwise he'd have a lot of trouble.

But he managed to transport you back to his house.

He gently laid you down on the bed, admiring your sleeping figure.

He felt giddy at the thought of finally having you all to himself that he hardly got any sleep.

You on the other hand woke up terrified when you found yourself in a strange room.

Jongho came inside, completely calm, fully expecting you to freak out at first.

"Shh. It's ok love. You're safe now."

He tried to caress your face, but it just startled you more and it annoyed him.

"Baby....I'm not going to hurt you." He said, his voice had a stern tone to it underneath.

You tried to make a dash for the door, but he quickly got ahold of you.

He trapped you in his large arms but still you tried to get away.

"Let me go! Let go of me!" You tried kicking your feet.

But Jongho was not budging at all.

"No! You can't go back out there again! You'll be hurt by other people."

He turned you so you were now facing him.

"I'm here to protect you..." He slowly leaned in, trying to kiss you.

Instead he was met with you kneeing him on his crotch. He doubled over in pain, but managed to compose himself quickly.

He rushed over to you before you reached the front door, pulling you by the hair and shoving you against the wall.

You hit your head pretty hard and felt something trickling down.

"Oh no babygirl." Jongho suddenly turned all loving again, like he wasn't just going ballistic seconds ago.

"See? This is what I mean. Out there.....you could get hurt even more."

You couldn't understand his reasoning.

And you couldn't understand why he wouldn't let you go out at all.

"You don't need to go out. You're safe here with me."

He kept trying to be affectionate with you, but you always refused, not wanting him near you.

He tried being nice to you all the time, but more often than not, you lashed out at him, absolutely despising him.

Jongho would usually have patience with you, but when you crossed the line and tested his patience......

You ended up with a bruise on your face or a bloody nose.

Of course, he'd always seem shocked with himself, immediately attending to your wounds and apologizing over and over again.

You were getting so sick of it. You actually felt like you were going insane.

You missed your parents, family, your friends, you were craving warmth and affection so badly you started freaking out and nearly had an anxiety attack.

You felt so out of mind you actually let Jongho hold you, caress you, comfort you while you sobbed in his chest.

"Baby. It's ok. I'm here. You're safe."

You don't know what came over you, you just knew you wanted to feel something, anything other than the emptiness and pain you were feeling.

Even Jongho was surprised when you kissed him desperately, but he didn't mind. He finally got to kiss you.

He had enough conscience to pull away though when you began getting more handsy and straddling him.

"Are you sure about this?"

When you simply whined and pulled him on top of you, he got the hint.

You didn't care if it was wrong, you just let Jongho take your pain away and replace it with immense pleasure.

You loved how strong he was, loved the way his thick cock kept pushing inside of you and enjoyed those blissful moments his body offered you.

Jongho was in heaven as well. He had waiting for the day to finally make love to you and it came.

Jongho swore it was love, you just thought of it as a distraction.

A distraction you needed to stop when you skipped not 1, but 2 months, which you were scared of.

Jongho however was happy. "You mean we're going to have a baby?"

The color drained from your face as you sternly said. "No! We're not having a baby Jongho! We can't! We have to get rid of it!

He wasn't having it though. Jongho couldn't let you get rid of the product of your guys' love.

So as cruel as it was, he kept you chained to the bed, refusing to let you get out in fear of you harming yourself or the baby, his baby.

Your pregnancy months were hell to you and during childbirth you were almost dying.

It was the only time Jongho got you out of the house in over a year but you had no strength to say anything about your situation.

You were in too much pain and fear at the thought of getting a c-section because the baby came 2 months earlier than expected.

You woke up and still felt weak, had no will to do anything but allow the nurses to take care of you and have Jongho by your side, praising you and your guys' baby, which you honestly did not really care for.

You felt so detached from your own child, even though you knew it wasn't her fault.

You two went home after the doctors deemed your baby healthy enough.

Jongho was ecstatic about starting a family life with you and was even more attentive to you and the baby.

You on the other hand came to resent her crying at night, hated having to feed her and detested hearing Jongho speak so fondly of her.

There were times you did feel bad, and you actually held her, feeling something warm for the tiny girl.

But then it would all vanish when you saw Jongho hovering over you and fixing what he deemed was your 'bad way of holding her.'

He was still as overprotective as ever and you were reaching your breaking point.

One day, while he was gone for a minute, the baby started crying.

You covered your head with the pillow, trying to muffle out her sounds but you couldn't.

You snapped and had no control over yourself as you went to the bathroom and began filling the tub with water.

Once it was filled, you mindlessly brought the baby over and held her over it, but before you could drop her:

"Y/N what are you doing?!"

Jongho took the baby away from you, calming her down and putting her back in her crib.

When he turned his attention back to you, you were nowhere to be found and he started panicking.

He was walking down the hallway when you lunged at you, finally hitting your breaking point as you stabbed his arm with a knife, that although stunned him, didn't really cause much damage.

"Y/N! Have you gone insane?!" He tried to calm you down, but it was in vain.

You looked at him with such wrath and resentment as you stated "I hate you!"

It hurt Jongho so much to hear you say that, but nonetheless he wasn't going to back down even if you were currently clawing at him and trying to end him.

Jongho tried not to use much of his strength but you were going to far, he had to subdue you somehow and he was already angry that you tried to murder your own child.

His hands ended up griping your neck very harshly, forcing you to let go off him as you now struggled to pry his hands off you.

Jongho didn't mean to take things too far, he just wanted to control you for a brief moment......

But it did go too far and now he was a sobbing and heartbroken mess.

"911, what's your emergency?"

"I just killed my soulmate... ....."

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

[ms19]

mitsuya takashi x yandere reader

You remember that day like it was yesterday like you got tattooed on your head like your whole life started at that exact moment because you felt like yes how could you forget the moment you met him

It was a hot day and you had just moved in and decided to take a walk around to see the place.

You were so deep in thought that you didn't even realize you bumped into someone and ended up falling

-Sorry you said the star without even bothering to look at her

-I'm not the one who apologizes, he said offering his hand to get up

it was like the world stopped at that very moment his silver hair his lilac eyes and he looked so soft and you swore you've never seen anyone so beautiful in your life

You accepted his hand and I can't even say anything, just look at him

-you and you just moved: he said with a soft smile and you could have sworn he was going to pass out there

-Yes

-How old are you

-11

- cool, we're the same age, so let's be friends

-OK

-I'm sorry, I didn't even introduce myself, just mitsuya takashi he said coaxing you never embarrassed and you joked that I felt the oxygen being taken from you

-I'm sn and a mitsuya praser

Now, as you see him talking to a girl from the club, you can't get rid of the bitter taste that has left his mouth, you know it's your duty as the club leader to help everyone else because he was so close to that girl.

it couldn't be like it used to be where it was just you and sometimes your sisters who are the only ones whose attention you don't mind sharing his attention, of course nowadays he has a mental vision most of the time and only you and his sisters more the more they like you the more mitsuya also even his mother who is almost never home on the rare times she calls you daughter you don't care if he doesn't love you like you love him more even as a friend you you have to unite the girl outside the family who can be with him you are patient no matter how long he one day will be yours you will ensure that

You were yanked out of your thoughts when the bell rang to let you know that classes were over

You took your things and ran to the bathroom every day without fail she after class she came to the bathroom at school here there are no cameras here which makes your work easier and you know he has problems with depression he always comes and cuts himself after the 30 minutes go away it didn't take long you saw the door open and she came in and the one on the side where you were you go out and lock the bathroom door and knock on the door where it was

-you're busy: you heard her talk in a vain voice, she sounded like she was crying, you almost felt sorry for her, but you remembered why you're doing this

You hit it again this time it opens

-Hi, just what you want: she said, passing by you and going straight to wash your hands where you saw blood coming out

-a I heard someone crying and I was worried

-Don't worry, I'm fine I just hurt my hand on the sewing machine

-but this cut is a little big to be from a machine: she finally looks at you but her look seemed to be different from before she now pacere angry

-What do you really want

-I already said that I heard a person cry and I went in

-Lie as soon as classes are over you always go after mitsuya don't tell him he finally realized you're a boring bitch and dumped you hey I won't waste my time with you

You didn't let her finish talking when you slit her throat with a stiletto deep enough to just see her crying trying to scream and trying desperately to put her hands over her throat to stop the bleeding

You kicked her belly and saw her fall to the ground

-Hey bitch my mitisuya and I hear you well

You cry on the floor and try to get up in a frustrated attempt you took the paper in your backpack a letter you wrote and printed yesterday in the library one of her saying she killed herself because she couldn't live anymore you looked at the dead girl on the floor and passed by her you don't even care after all it's not the first you've killed by mitsuya

And it won't even be the last

As soon as you left school you saw mitsuya waiting for you

-yy, you took your time

- Mitsuya I'm sorry I forgot something and had to go get it I think you said you were going out with pah chi and peh yan today after school

-o yes but they unchecked then let's go

-Of course you say smiling no matter what or who gets in your way he and his and no one will mess with it

-in sn

-I'm sorry you said

if you want to go home later lena and sister want to see it

-clear

The next day was less busy than you expected the director talked about her death few cried others didn't even call she didn't have many friends she was rude and hardly talked to anyone some thought she thought she was more than others

The rest of the day was normal you spent watching the motsuya he looked pretty downcast more than you expected they almost didn't know each other they didn't have classes together and she joined the club not even 2 weeks ago

Going home was strange the mitsuya I leave quickly without even waiting for you

You went home and took a shower, you baked a cake to take to him and tell them that today you should be at yuzuha and hakai's house

You went to his house, which is on the side of your betheus, but he didn't open it, so you came in with the tea he gave you

-Mitsuya you are there: the house is dark you left the cake on the table and went to his room you heard fungus coming from there he seemed to be crying you knocked on his door

-Mitsuya can I come in?

-may: you went in and turned the light on he was there in bed sitting looking at the wall you just went to him and hug him

-mitsuya, whatever, whatever, I'm here, can you tell me?

- what's wrong with me because people who stay close to me always die

-what are you talking about?

-the girl from the cafeteria 2 months ago who disappeared the girl from the library that I fall from the 3rd floor the little girl from the flower shop who ended up in the hospital with her arms and legs broken the girl who always walks her dog in the morning and talks to my friend and ended up drowning in the lake last week and now it just feels like i have some kind of karma following me all the girls who hang around me die or get hurt

You didn't let him finish talking and put your hands on his face wiping his tears

-Esculta mitsuya there's nothing wrong with you and i'm not going anywhere i'll stay by your side forever no matter what happens ok

-you promise, no

-yes I promise now let's go I made the cake it will get cold

-thank you yn thanks for taking care of me

-don't worry about it just stay by my side forever

-Okay, I'm not going anywhere either

Of course you won't guarantee it after all he and yours he still might not love you the same way one more day will you guarantee it he's always been yours since the day you saw him for the first time and nothing or anyone will change that or if get in the way and you will guarantee it

[askfallenroyalty]

I don't think you did anything wrong. When a story is being written, there are a lot of different ways to adress and express something and maybe that's why you're being misunderstood. I think there are just too many things to adress in this story that maybe some people will get when these things are implicitly implied and some people will not. So when a breaking point comes, they'd think it came out of nowhere. You can see this with the amount of asks you receive asking you often the same thing.

Does that mean it's wrong? Ofc not! I myself was a little bit confused with Frisk's reactions and conduct in general until you explained it in your recent asks, and I thought man, that was what I was missing!

Now, yes I believe some parts of the story could have been explained in a different way, because in my opinion there's a lot to read between the lines. If you don't try to understand the characters, you'll clearly be confused as hell. But that's why I love this story! As you said before, there's nothing meant to be black/white coded, and I really appreciate the world and the character's complexity in general. You don't have some of the answers in hand, an that's when you have to analize! (At least that's what I do haha)

I also really felt like telling you something I've been relating to, so I'm putting the respectives tw if someone doesn't want to keep reading (TW: Suicide mention).

In the DW Arc, when the Christmas and Feylow stuff happened, I realised through Chara that I was doing the exact same thing with a friend of mine. He was going through a lot of stuff, and tried to commit suicide multiple times. I was focusing a huge amount of energy on him because I was afraid to lose him, and when he suddenly stopped talking to me so he could take a break, I felt really lost. Because he was the person I talked with the most, one of my dearest friends, and the idea of losing him and not being there to stop it made me insanely anxious, because that used to be the situation most of the times. Now it's been a year since he's stopped talking to me, and I don't exactly know the reason. But I couldn't keep running behind someone who didn't seem to keep wanting me around. And if it wasn't for you, I couldn't have realized how much this was hurting me.

And now, as much as it hurts me to see him acting this distant and cold with me, I'm okay with it. I really am. Because I now have the tranquility to see him continue, even when things are not okay. I can't force a friendship and I really needed to understand that back then. I trust him as much as he trusts me.

I really wanted to thank you for writing this story because it has helped me in a way I didn't expect, and I'm sure it will help a lot of people too! I'm even learning from your way of taking and discussing things haha.

I just wanted you to have this tranquility I have with this story because I trust it'll work out and explain itself once it's finished. And I just can't express how thankful I am to be reading your story.

Thank you again,

I'm looking forward to more of your work and please, take care! Don't stop doing what you enjoy! 🦋

putting it under a readmore because of how long the ask/response is, sorry!

i’m at a loss of words because wow, this ask really hit in a way i’ve never really could of anticipated. when writing AFR, i write a story about things I felt. I’ve been Chara, I’ve been Asriel and Frisk at points in my life. I write because I need to tell their stories and make it real, specifically for my own sake of getting through my own pain and to tell the world this is who i am and that I will be ok, there is hope in this world. It’s a selfish desire for me, but ultimately that’s what art is i feel. I couldn’t draw this much and put so much time and effort into something without it being meaningful or personal.

but art is communication, and when I write to be seen and to be heard, I know there’s others who are reading and are connecting with the work. (otherwise, I wouldn’t be getting asks right? its a lonely process, i forget there’s the second half of the equation -you guys) and i’ll do my best to make sure people are accommodated and can experience this story without hurting in a way that’s past enjoying a emotionally gripping piece of media. i don’t want people to be upset or hurt for my work, and I want to ensure I can make this without hurting others.

I try to leave a lot of ambiguity and room for people to interpret stories and I don’t mind people missing the point or interpreting things vastly differently than what I intended. that’s fine, that’s what art is all about. i don’t want to hold people’s hands and tell them what’s happening or what they should feel -i want them to choose and decipher and think things over. stories should be stimulating and thought provoking, and i can’t decide what those thoughts are. I wouldn’t want to. Personally, if it means people become more confused and lost over the story -well, that’s a trade off I have to take. if it means the story is more up-to-interpretation, than it’s worth it to me.

i do regret with how fast and punchy the arc ended up, and I feel my hints may have been too weak. asriel/flowey has been bluntly surprised/asking to be killed twice, he hasn’t felt like himself since dying and has lost his support systems ect. as a person who’s Been Through Shit, I thought it was as obvious as the sun what was to come but thinking on it now?

with how distance asriel is, how limited the perspective is to chara (who hasn’t known Asriel has been going thru the same depressive/suicidal thoughts as they have this whole time) it was a shock to the system. and in a way that’s fine in my eyes if the reader was completely shocked as you can emphasize more with chara that way... but in the same sense its horrifying for them, it must be for the reader as well.

and I do feel I should of thought of a way to handle the scenario to where it was less in your-face with Asriel’s decent into desperation and attempts. I don’t want to ever show it on screen, I don’t want to ever go into detail and make it any sort of fun for the viewer. it’s supposed to be disturbing and painful and I tried to show how greatly painful it was affecting both chara and frisk. Suicide victims are victims and everyone involved suffer from it. It’s ugly and never something one should be anything but ugly.

that is my intent for it be that, but as I’ve heard from people it’s still a shock and went too far. Authorial intent doesn’t matter when people react to your stories. yes, the context can be good to have, but people’s feelings and reactions mean the world more. I hope with the added context of the complete story that helps it in the long run, but as it is I’m very unhappy with how I tackled it and I don’t really have a good answer to how I should of gone about it. but at the end of the day that doesn’t matter as it happened and I can’t change it.

i’m sorry about your friend and i’m sorry for the pain you’ve experienced as well. it’s not easy being in that position (nor is it for ur friend as well of course) and it’s perfectly fine to feel hurt and to take time for yourself to address those feelings. You, as a person, matter and your feelings are justifiably important as well. nobody asks to be mentally ill and your friend’s choices aren’t fully theirs because of that, but it doesn’t change how it’s affected and hurt you. Losing someone’s friendship has always been a painful and inevitable experience people must go thru in life. I’m sorry that you’ve gone through that, but I’m glad -so happy that my story has helped you in any amount. I sincerely wish you both the best and to heal, I’m proud of you anon for getting through this.

I can’t really express how much it means as a writer to see how my work helped you. Like I mentioned before, I write and feel like it’s by myself that makes this work but it’s a 2 way street -you guys contribute to the story and the story only exists and is perceived by you. without an audience, it really truly is just me here. what you gain and experience within a story is just as important as the writing of the work itself and I often forget that.

Thank you. This was a really nice and eye opening ask and it’s going to be on my mind for a while, haha. I hope once the story is done and I can post-correct how I handle the story, people can learn and gain meaning to it like you have. Sorry if this was a bit rambly, I’m very thankful for your response (as well as everyone else who’s messaged!) and I’m very happy and excited to continue and to do my best. Thank you all so much.

[boop-le-snoot]

PARTY FAVOURS I CHAPTER 18

First time reader click here

TWs/Summary: We stan ✨women in science✨. Bruce uwu. Twitter social media AU nobody asked for. Stephen and Tony are dicks and I'm not talking about their anatomy. Setting up mood for Bruce smut, ngl. PTSD makes things spicy. I'm depressed so please be kind ✌🏻💀🙃

"I really do wonder how can you two fit those egos of yours in your pants," I kept my tone forcefully casual, cheerful even. "Why don't you just fuck already?"

I was met with stunned silence. Suddenly, the room seemed far too large and the people in much too quiet, staring at me with various expressions of horror obvious in their faces. As the strange friendship began developing between me and the team, my "outbursts" - how Steve liked to call them - lessened considerably. I had no need to provoke them into giving me attention, just striking up a casual chat was enough. The Avengers were great conversationalists, to my surprise.

Tony and Stephen, when paired, were the exception. I could count on one hand the amount of times they successfully came to a conclusion without fighting like cats and dogs. It was like each man had made it a personal mission to verbally top the other, more often than not resulting in a thirty-minute shitshow ending with one storming off in a dramatic flourish. It was mind-boggling how two supremely intelligent men could not find a way to communicate efficiently without infuriating the rest of the team.

Plus me. One way or another, I was almost always around. In the beginning, it was hilarious to see the free circus but it got old really quickly when they couldn't decide on dinner or a movie, leaving the rest of us starving and bored. Or the great Cloak debate - that one lasted days and the fussy thing was so upset, it point blank refused to part from Peter for a substantial amount of time. It's pretty fucking creepy that a semi-sentient, ancient piece of outerwear watches you when you sleep - just sayin'. I personally interjected with my own snark and sass whenever Tony and Stephen got too heated, successfully drawing the attention to myself. The fight broke up and I had amazing sex with Tony later, it was a win-win scenario.

Yet, Tony and Stephen didn't stop. To me, their way of "talking" (and I use that term loosely) looked a lot like unresolved sexual tension. Stephen frequently used his greater height to tower over Tony in a childish attempt to establish dominance; the engineer was no rookie and responded with extravagant peacocking such as "subtly" tapping the bracelet that hosted his nanotech suit or parading at dinner in a $30,000 custom made designer outfit. Because Tony could.

I was pleasantly surprised when Natasha started laughing at my remark. Full-blown, belly laugh. Those were rare, coming from the Widow, her usual mirth was quiet, sophisticated, just like her. Deadly (adorable). Bucky followed suit, snorting together with Clint and Loki.

Steve looked none too pleased with me. But then again, was he ever? "Doll, don't be rude."

"Brat," Bruce said at the same time, palming his face.

"People always call me a brat. And guess what, Steve?" I popped my hip, twirling a cotton candy pink coloured Dum-Dum between my fingers. "What can you do about it? Nothing," I shrugged, leaning my head against Bruce's shoulder affectionately.

Steve just shook his head in disappointment. "Can we get back on topic? Please?"

"Captain, I think that Stark..." Strange began talking with Tony dramatically groaning in the background and I instantly tuned out the useless babble. Steve should've been smarter and revoked speaking rights from Tony and Stephen. Or asked Loki to magically render them both mute for ten minutes.

"You're not wrong," Bruce quietly whispered next to my ear. "Ten bucks says Wanda meddles and those two finally work out their frustrations," The scientist hid a grin against my head. I felt the amused, giddy energy radiating off him like a plasma beam.

"I don't even have to bet," I rolled my eyes. "If she doesn't do it, I will."

Both Tony and Stephen were throwing me equally infuriated glances. One promised me a good, hard fucking and the other saw me a short, poisonous lecture on appropriate behaviour in the nearest future - you can guess which is which. If I had it my way, I'd skip the lecture and go straight to a hot, filthy threesome with two men twice my age. I wasn't blind, Strange was hot as hell and could be decent and even nice once in a blue moon.

He could, but he wouldn't be. I wanted that raw, unadulterated lust, tension so concentrated it walked the razor's edge between violent craving and repulsion. Ever since the incident with Clint, I had this ugly mess inside of me, like a live wire about to snap. My brain was constantly racing, darting between how utterly useless I am in a group of supers and embracing my normal-ness, amplifying it by hosting game nights and spending time trying to convince people to start a dungeons and dragons campaign. Or something.

My sleep was like Swiss cheese, riddled with holes where I stayed awake for one or two hours at a time in the middle of the night after waking up sweaty, with my heart hammering out of my chest. Sometimes I dreamt of Clint's lifeless, sickly white body, sometimes the whole room flooded with blood and I couldn't stop it no matter what, there was so much of it, I drowned in it, I startled up with the taste of it in my mouth. Rarely, the worst of it came - the one where Clint was alive as millions of millions of little fluorescent, poisonous jellyfish burst out of him and he screamed and screamed and screamed...

I had PTSD. Yay, me. As if my uselessness wasn't enough of a burden, my brain decided for me that it wasn't good enough that I saved Clint and now it was punishing me for being close to a group of people who routinely saved the WORLD.

I contemplated my usual habits - going to a party, getting trashed and dancing until my legs were numb. I just wanted to shut my brain off for a moment, give it a hard reset so-to-say, but with Tony on my back like a jet-pack, I didn't doubt he'd show up to the place and drag me out of there even if I was kicking and screaming. And he was a Stark, a billionaire, so visiting my dad in Cali wouldn't be possible on my own. Tony would gas up the jet and the rest of the team would find and excuse to tag along, too. As much as I loved being the baby menace who could get away with anything, I hated the way they all herded me, like I was an actual child. I couldn't get away from myself, not even for a moment.

I had the backup-backup plan and I was going to have to execute it. Desperate times, desperate measures. "I don't doubt y'all enjoy listening to Tony and Steph flirt," The nickname escaped unmoderated from my lips before I could catch myself. "But what are we doing for Halloween? I need to know if I gotta get a costume," Bruce chuckled next to me and wrapped an arm around me, happy for the distraction. Unlike me, the scientist was obligated to listen and participate in the avengers-themed discussion. Which was difficult because the engineer and the sorcerer constantly bickered, inadvertently taking over the talk.

"Halloween?" Steve groaned.

"We should do something," Bucky side-eyed his boyfriend. "For the children." Something told me he wasn't thinking of the children, at all. The man was positively leering, probably thinking about what kind of a tight suit he could convince Steve to squeeze into.

"A party!" Tony immediately exclaimed, interrupting Stephen mid-setence.

"Tony, no," Steve stated firmly.

"Tony, YES!" Clint perked up. "A snack bar. A bar-bar."

"I will not be helping you all if you get alcohol poisoning," Stephen crossed his arms.

"So it's a party," I stated firmly, throwing a contemplating look at Wanda and Pietro. The twins looked unsure but excited. I knew I could count on fellow young people to support my decision to have fun, dance a little, drink a little. Let loose. To nail my point, I turned to Bruce with a mischievous smirk. "Fifty bucks says Stephen is too stuck up to show up in costume."

"Beg pardon?!" The sorcerer exclaimed. His eyebrows threatened to meet his hairline.

"I think you give him too little credit, Princess," Bruce winked at me and we solemnly shook hands. It was great having a fellow partner in mischief. Loki's approving smirk just sealed the deal for me.

"It's not my fault you sometimes act like you have a stick up your butt," I gave in the way of explanation, shrugging my shoulders innocently in Stephen's direction. "I'm just pointing out the obvious."

"I don't dare to imagine what's been up yours," The sorcerer retorted dryly, in an uncharacteristically childish fashion, arms still crossed. It almost looked like he was pouting.

"Tony," I simply said, leering salaciously at the man.

"Ooh, kinky," Clint reached over and we promptly high-fived each other in the wake of multiple embarrassed groans emanating around the room. "Strange, you're a boring old man, get over it."

"And you regularly end up in dumpsters, Barton," Strange retorted quickly. "Not my idea of fun."

"You wouldn't know fun if it hit you in the face!" Tony grinned triumphantly, confident in his superiority over Strange. Look at that, the team was doing the work for me and I didn't even have to try.

"I'll show you fun," Stephen retorted darkly. It was obvious the man was planning something.

"Ok, boomer," I raised my eyebrows in muted satisfaction before turning around and grabbing Bruce to drag along with me. "I'm confiscating your best scientist to amuse myself. I am bored. We will go and do actual science whilst y'all argue. Bye."

My patience had run out. We were examining the parasites we found in the murder-anthropods-from-space, codename MAFS, courtesy of yours truly, and their amazing properties to penetrate cell membranes and feed on metals in organic life forms. Without Bruce's help I understood maybe half of it but he had the patience of a saint and dutifully and understandably explained to me the finer points of studying aliens. Signing half a dozen NDAs was never more worth it.

Steve's sigh consisted of 99% suffering and 2% disappointment. Natasha face-palmed silently in the corner, clutching a mug of coffee, a poster child for existential dread.

"Wait for me," Tony whined, going for the door and promptly being stopped by Steve pointing out the team needing his input on one mission or another. The engineer sighed. "Baby girl, don't let the green mean to start any experiments without me." Tony instructed, pointing an accusatory finger in our direction.

I clutched at Bruce dramatically, feigning hurt feelings and was rewarded with a swift motion of his arms. I shrieked delightfully at being thrown over the scientist's shoulder as he hastened his pace towards the elevator, hightailing it out of there. "I'd never snitch on science daddy," I wiggled my eyebrows in Tony's direction, sticking a hand down the back pocket of Bruce's pants, dangling over his shoulder like a happy sack of potatoes.

The lab smelled strongly of alcohol and bitter chemicals, the solution that Bruce developed to ensure the optimal state of the alien pathogens. The man's genius never ceased to amaze me: Bruce came up with the needed formula in the span of a few hours while running low on sleep, post a Hulk-out session.

We put on our protective gear - "science onesies" I called them - along with a respirator and goggles and set to the segregated part of the lab where the specimens were kept under a blue light. The glass wall between Bruce's and Tony's lab was dimmed; I reflected in it, looking positively futuristic in my double-stacked white platformed boots and white hazmat suit.

"Wait," I motioned to Bruce to come over.

"Oh, right, our music," He was already half-way to being in total Science Mode. "Friday, please put on the "Get Schwifty" playlist, 60% volume."

The playlist that me and Bruce came up with for our lab sessions. The man was such an adorable dork. Thirty percent my music, thirty percent of his indie rock shit and forty percent 00's bops. In other words, utter perfection.

I finally managed to fish out my phone from my pants. "No, let's take a selfie," I struck an impressive pose and pointed the camera as Avril Lavigne sung the first verse to Sk8r Boi.

Bruce laughed but abided by the request, giving me bunny ears in the photo, tapping the fingers of his other hand on my waist to the rhythm of the song.

"He was a skater boy, she said see ya later boy!" I sang along, switching my Instagram to stories and posting the short clip of us just vibing with the caption #sciencetime, Bruce laughing openly behind his respirator. I looked cute and silly in my outfit.

"Send the video to me, I'll post it on my Twitter," Bruce requested. I indulged him then put my phone away, ready to conquer the world of microbiology. Or die trying. Science was calling...

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