#and when what they do is deeply flawed and often hurtful am i supposed to just IGNORE everything that led up to Hamas

[timeisacephalopod]

Admittedly I don't know much about the Israel Palestine war but I keep seeing news articles that refer to it as the Israel Hamas war and no it is not. After all Israel has done it gets to be referred to by it's country name and not "terrorists who kill babies and children at the speed of light" but Palestine gets reduced to Hamas?

It just leaves a bad taste in my mouth that the struggle of the Palestinian people keeps getting reduced to the existence of Hamas, but at no point does the ongoing state violence of Israel define its existence when by all means it should when my understanding is that the creation of Israel was stealing land from Palestinians. Why is Israel's violence ignored while Palestine is defined by the admittedly shit group that only arose out of decades of occupation and imperialism? Those two things are not the same and ignoring Israel's violence to act like Hamas came from nowhere just to hurt the poor Israeli government who acts like they've done nothing wrong is ridiculous to me.

[pomplalamoose]

Sorry to message again, but I loved your answer to my ask so much, now I’d love a follow up to how post-ROTJ luke acts once he decides to get rid of the no attachment rule and pursue you 😅

Please don't apologizeeee, I'm having a great time with this!!!! I'm so happy to (hopefully) make you happy with this as well🤠

• it differs from person to person of course but I, for one, am not exactly enthusiastic about the Jedi's no-attachment-rule

• and Luke isn't either

• to leave behind everyone he deeply cares for would pretty much mean to leave behind a big part that defines him

• one of Luke's biggest strengths IS the way he loves and how he is able to see the good in people, no matter what

• it's how he defeated Palpatine and saved his father

• so naturally he struggles a lot with the concept, especially when it comes to you

• on one hand he really wants to honor and correctly carry on a thousand year old legacy, ask well as respecting Obi-Wan's and Yoda's teachings

• on the other hand he is aware of the many flaws they had and has his own ideas and thoughts to add

• I like to think that in building his new Jedi Academy, Luke overhauls a lot of what was before to make it fit with his own beliefs and experiences

• he won't stray too far away from the old code but recognizes that much of it can be rather harmful too

• though this is a process and especially in the early stages, Luke finds himself yearning for something to hold on to, to lead him in his new quest

• even if that means turning a blind eye to his blooming feelings for you

• this, he will later realize, not only hurts himself but you as well

• stuck deeply in his thoughts and with a guilty conscience, neither does he notice the ways in which you look at him

• it aches you deeply, to see him so conflicted when before he was acting so differently towards you

• at the same time you respect that he needs his time and space to figure things out for himself

• you too spend a lot of time thinking and re thinking about the no-attachment-rule and what it means for your life

• (and are ready to immediately throw it out of the window should Luke decide to return your feelings)

• possibly you view the old Jedi code in a more critical light than Luke does and that's what rather often leads to heated discussions that you can't help but take to heart

• at this time you are still very much unaware about what has been going on though

• Luke does not want to drag you into his personal struggle so he doesn't tell you anything at first

• the only thing you notice is the way he's rather hot and cold with you, often leaving you in confusion

• one time he's charming and flirty, making you blush and your heart race

• the next day, however, he suddenly acts as if none of that ever happened and with time you grow really frustrated

• to you it seems like he's playing with your feelings

• but how are supposed to know that he's trying to do the opposite?

• (please cut him some slack, he's doing the best he can)

• Luke often lies awake at night, thinking about you, contemplating what it is that's leaving him so conflicted

• again and again he vows to not let you too close to him and his heart, deciding it's for the best

• he truly thinks he's doing the both of you a favor, even while your confused and pleading eyes make him want to cry

• at the same time he can't stop himself from sharing exciting news with you, can't help making you laugh and can't ignore how deeply he enjoys to just be around you

• after a while of this going on, you corner him during a quiet moment, demanding to know what the hell he thinks he is doing

• no matter how blinded by love you may be, you won't have him treat you this way

• Luke is horrified by what he hears, he hadn't realized how erratic and hurtful his behavior had become

• he was so convinced he had been fighting his battles in silence and without the knowledge of those around him

• this is when he, very much ashamed, admits to you what has been troubling him recently

• you feel like something punched you in the gut when he reveals to very well returning your feelings but doing his hardest to push them away

• in the end you will yourself to be patient

• whatever choice Luke is going to make, you will accept

• and if that means he will never think of you as more than a friend in order to preserve the peace and the New Republic, so be it

• you cry yourself to sleep that night

• you can't look him in the eye the next day nor the day after that

• thankfully Luke finally decides to listen to his heart

• and was it not the Force that brought you together in the first place?

• how can his feelings be wrong?

• desperate to make up for everything he put you through, he realizes he has no idea how

• he doesn't even know if you like him back

• (I truly believe he can be this dense sometimes)

• I'm sure he'd turn to Leia, who's all too happy to help after suffering through all that drama along side you, listening to your endless tirades about her stupid brother

• after properly setting him straight, she assures him that in no way will you turn down his advances

• still unsure but feeling decidedly better he seeks you out

• you talk for a very long time

• you get the heartfelt apology you deserve

• Luke is still struggling but makes sure to tell you in detail about everything that has been weighing him down and how much, despite it all, he cares for you

• both of you end up crying

• it's almost, almost, a love declaration

• when you describe your point of view he is genuinely upset and apologizes again

• in fact he can't stop apologizing until you tell him to shut up

• in the end you both admit to your feelings but agree to take it slow; it is more than you ever dared hoping for

• and while Luke is not able to let go yet, his thoughts still plaguing him, they are in the open now

• when you are about to leave he takes hold of your hand and kisses you for the first time

• it's clumsy but sweet and you hug after

• you hold each other for a long time, neither of you wanting to let go

[ramonag-if]

I lost track of this wip for a long time but I'm so glad to have found it again. Just finished my first playthrough since way back when this was just two chapters long and I am so delighted and impressed by the quality of writing and quantity of content! Also!!! I gotta gush about Salyra and Ahlf for a second.

You have made characters that are so flawed and so lovable in a way I very rarely see and it's fantastic! The more I learned about each of them and their interactions with the MC (many of which poor MC didn't even know about) the more I'm fascinated by them. So many of the revelations made genuinely hurt so deeply, Ahlf being the old leader of the blood guard, Salyra's new family, Ahlf never sharing her letters and lying about MC being happy and fine, Salyra's bid to fix the war by having a mixed race baby blessed by the gods, it's all terrible and my poor MC is heartbroken because these two people who should have loved her did such a bad job of it but she's also conflicted because she'd like to at least think that they do actually love her! They were trying to do their best while also being fairly self-centered people. The angst is so so good! And for all that I can fault these characters I can also kinda see their lines of reasoning. It makes sense that Ahlf wouldn't want Salyra back in his or the MCs life, both out of spite and out of real concern for the safety of his child cause like, who goes to give a baby god powers with the express disapproval of their partner??? You can't trust a person after that.

And while it sucks that Salyra has a whole new family now she's more than just the MCs mom, she's a whole ass person and so of course she continued to do the things that people do even without MC around, she continued to live and love and make questionable choices. It's shitty that she never came back, but the vibe I've gotten from both the game and your responses to asks here is that she was under the impression MCs life was better this way, that their life shouldn't be uprooted again, that they knew at least some version of the truth about where she was and how she was.

Never mind her involvement with the princess and the repercussions her counsel has had on countless people! She's so interesting and tugs my emotions in so many different directions. I pity her and I loath her, and I'm playing a character who loves her so much but is crumbling under each new revelation and it's so so good.

And oh my God another thing I appreciate is how consistent your characters are, even when it doesn't paint them in a good light. Salyra is described by many people as stubborn but stubborn is one of those traits that I often see written with only the positive connotations in mind. A character is "stubborn" but it always works out for them, it only chafes the other characters who are bad guys or antagonist, it's more determination and it's tempered and righteous and leads to good outcomes because "you should never stop trying, never give up!", but like that's not proper stubbornness. Salyra is stubborn to the point of ruin, she charges forth with what she thinks is best with what seems to me is little regard for the input of others and it appears to have gone disastrously in many places but she just. keeps. going!!!

I'm having so many feelings about these characters omg. I have so many questions! Though at the forefront is does Salyra even love MC or does she just love the potential she saw in them, the plan she had for them, the symbol they were supposed to be? This ask is so long and for that I do apologize I just wanted to let you know how fantastic I think this story is and I guess express my undying love for the way you've written Salyra, even if it does break my heart lol

Have a great day!

Thank you for finding your way back to the game 🌼 I forget that the game was at one point just a few chapters in and now we're a just past the halfway mark of the full game 😅

I'm really glad you're enjoying Ahlf and Salyra as characters. I never intended to make them this flawed or angsty, but as I wrote their scenes, their characters did become more than the idea I had for them and suddenly Ahlf was emotionally detached and Salyra was heading straight towards martyrdom. I like showcasing realistic characters, which is how I view Ahlf and Salyra. I've always enjoyed family dynamics that aren't always depicted as happy and perfect or the fights are trivial at best so this was a lot of fun for me to write such a complex and painful family.

I've always been stubborn myself, so I know that it can be more of a flaw than it can be a good thing. With Salyra, I based her on a lot of different leaders who would often be successful at rebellions but have really bad personal lives because they were so focussed on their ambitions that it got in the way of everything else. Salyra's best and worst quality is her stubbornness, it's what gotten her this far, but it's also what's ruined her personal relationships around her.

Salyra does love the MC, though you as a reader need to determine if she loves the MC because they're her child or because she can't separate the MC's existence from the plans she once had as them being a symbol of peace and unity 😅 It will depend on your playthrough and there is no right way to interpret her feelings towards the MC. As the writer, I can understand how she might seem to genuinely love the MC and how to others, she might seem like she's manipulating the MC or only loves the idea of them. So you'll need to ask yourself after weighing up her actions and words if it's enough to prove genuine love or not.

Please don't apologise for the long ask 💖 I enjoy reading everyone's take on the characters and the game. It's always my favourite part about sharing updates and the story with others so we can all gush about it together. Thank you for your support 😊

[lupinnsa]

why choose to be mean?

i’ve had a few bad experiences and discoveries over the past year, and one of those revelations included a weird, uncomfortable observation: that while I strive for kindness in casual conversation, often times the people in the world around me… do not.

i’m not talking about silly, comedy-tuned mockery of friends or anything either. i’m referring to, at least, semi-serious discussion about anything you could have opinions about, from other people, to current events, to trending products.

no matter how positive or negative my opinions are, i strive to voice them with as much respect as possible to those involved with the subject. i might overemphasize my positive opinions and refrain from spending too long on my negative ones, for example. More importantly, I try not to belittle other people casually just because they “aren’t in the room”. When they are, I try to be direct and honest without exaggerating my point. Negative opinions and disagreements are already difficult enough, and there’s no need to salt the wound; I try to remain kind even when discussing events or persons that actively harmed me. Even when I’m pretty sure no one else will see.

If I realize my opinions are flawed based on incorrect or outdated information, I always try to own up to those sorts of errors, and change my opinions accordingly. I try to leave room for personal growth or change to make a difference. I try to keep my expectations from coloring my attitude.

Recent events have made it very clear that others are not so interested in that same effort. I suppose it is easier to be unkind if the expectation is that the subject will “never know.” Or perhaps there isn’t enough consequence for “being mean” to choose words with care. Or perhaps this aggressive behavior comes from the increasingly antagonistic perspective of those beyond one’s personal boundaries. Or perhaps it simply costs more energy to keep your filters on.

I’m not free of this sort of sin myself. I’ve said unkind things before, especially when I was younger, especially when I was less informed, less sympathetic. Even recently, I’ve said unkind things to my own close friends simply because I was in emotional turmoil, because I was desperately craving the minimum closure I could ask, for one of the most egregious accusations I’ve ever been the target of on a larger scale. A simple, genuine, apology.

When I realize that something I did or said was hurtful beyond necessity, whether it was from the heat of the moment or a moment of carelessness, I try to genuinely apologize for it. But I’ve seen that others are all too willing to double down on their aggression instead, punching deeper without indication of a second thought. Without restraint.

Someone once said that people don’t like to own up to their mistakes because saying stuff like, “I was wrong,” is an admission of guilt. That no one wants to be guilty of being a jerk, because then they would be a jerk. And I think overall, that observation seems pretty spot on, if deeply disappointing.

I obviously want people to be more kind, passively, to other people in general. But I especially want the mindset of admitting you were wrong to change: not, “I was wrong and I am a jerk,” but, “I was wrong, I was a jerk, but I want to do better.”

Obviously there’s a lot of nuance to be had here. Like, what about the consequences of actions? Why not fight back if something isn’t interested in giving you a chance to defend yourself? How do we learn to be kind and sympathetic in a world that is, for some reason, becoming increasingly intolerant?

I wish I had the answers to all of that, but I don’t.

I just want people to choose to be kind.

[ninasbookshelf]

recs for sally rooney lovers: part 1

I will read anything Sally Rooney writes.

If you're like me—you admire Rooney's writing to the point where you'd savor even her daily to-do list if she released it—then you know intimately the horrifying and all-consuming experience of finishing Rooney's novels. "What am I supposed to do now?" Maybe you manage to briefly patch up the hollow feeling by ordering a used copy of Mr Salary on eBay, but the short story is over soon enough, and you are back to wondering whether you will ever read something so beautiful again.

Don't worry, I'm here.

I've been closely guarding my "Recommendations for Sally Rooney Lovers" list for the past few years. Slowly but surely I've added to the list, as I searched for hints of Rooney in other works I've read. For a time, I unintentionally made a habit of analyzing the books I read in the light of whether or not my fellow Sally Rooney fans would enjoy them, and why. Now I have enough recommendations for at least two posts, and I'm working my way towards a part three. I will make no promises on timing! It might even be awhile before part two is posted, because I really want to get it right. That being said, if you're a fan of Sally Rooney's writing and you enjoy these recommendations, please stick around! I'm saving a few of my favorites for part two.

There is something on this list for everyone. I give brief descriptions of each book and what is similar or different about the writing compared to Rooney's. To figure out which recommendations are best for you, I suggest considering what exactly it is you love about Sally Rooney's work, and then you can filter through the suggestions and see which ones share those traits.

I hope you enjoy!

Fault Lines by Emily Itami

I was lured into Fault Lines by the pretty book design and mention of Sally Rooney on the cover. The narration in the early pages is full of the long, winding, frazzled thoughts of a mother trying to keep her life together in Tokyo. This voice grated on me at first, but the more I read the less I noticed it, and soon enough I found myself immersed in the companionship of Mizuki's life.

Fault Lines echoes the intimacy of a Sally Rooney novel, sharing the confidential details of Mizuki's life as if she is a friend sharing her woes and escapades over coffee. It ties in reflections on both Japanese and American culture as the main character tries to find harmony between the mindset she is surrounded by and the one she grew to love while abroad. If you enjoy the close character insight and cultural reflections Rooney provides in her novels, Fault Lines is for you.

No Longer Human by Osamu Dazai

When I read No Longer Human for the first time in 2022, I fell in love.

Set in Japan, No Longer Human follows a young man in Japan named Oba Yozo as he tries to find his place and exist comfortably in a world where he often feels he doesn't belong. From a young age Oba Yozo learns to take on a certain "jokester" personality to get by, but this move results in his feeling insincere. The novel gives the reader such a raw look at the workings of the protagonist's mind throughout his life, that despite him being a deeply flawed person, by the end of the novel I couldn't help but have an affinity for the protagonist. It forces the reader to understand him. There were times when the protagonist angered me, and it actually hurt, that's how well I felt I knew him.

I think Rooney fans will be drawn to the way Dazai inserts the reader into the protagonist's psyche, as well as his interaction with the cultural changes happening in Japan and his relationship to money and class. As a warning, this book deals heavily with mental health and depression, so please keep that in mind before you decide to pick it up.

Scorpionfish by Natalie Bakopoulos

Scorpionfish follows Mira as she returns to a family apartment in Greece after the deaths of her parents. Mira gets into a routine of chatting with her new neighbor—a former sea captain—whenever the two are on their adjacent balconies, and slowly they start to open up to each other and find comfort in their daily routine as neighbors. This connection is set against a backdrop of Athens during a time when the city is facing instability economically and politically. Readers see the city and its people through Mira's eyes as she comes to terms with the reshaping of her familial, romantic, and even platonic relationships. We also see Mira's relationship to the city itself, and the difficulty of loving a place that one can't fully call home. One of the things I loved about this novel is the reflection on what I call "cultural limbo"; when you have one foot in the US and one in Greece, which one is yours? How do you exist floating somewhere in between?

The writing style is approachable and a great option for any Rooney fan.

Happy Hour by Marlowe Granados

I first read this book in 2021, and it was one of my favorite books of the year. I picked it up for the intriguing artwork on the covers, and I am so glad I did.

Happy Hour has refreshing and witty narration with keen observations on the New York City social scenes as experienced by Isa Epley and her best friend Gala. The two women are in their early twenties and are dead-set on having a summer of amusement in the city. The novel travels through both the quotidian and spontaneous events of their summer as the women navigate NYC nightlife, parties, friendships, and the dating scene. Happy Hour also details the sometimes harsh realities of Isa and Gala's situation as they try to get by financially in the city despite their lack of work visas. As a variety of issues attempt to derail their plans, Isa and Gala's determination to spend the summer simply enjoying themselves remains strong.

The writing in Happy Hour is more densely packed with observation than Rooney's works (which I find have more dialogue than Happy Hour if I remember correctly), but it's done in an intentional and artful way. The prose is charming and captivating, and the novel shares a tender depiction of female friendship. If you enjoy the reflective nature of Rooney's novels, the striving to get by, the intelligence and fun, and the way her characters find comfort through their relationships with each other, I recommend Happy Hour.

Crying in H Mart by Michelle Zauner

If you need a break from fiction, this one is for you! Crying in H Mart is a memoir examining Michelle Zauner's relationship with her late mother as she reflects on her mother's battle with cancer. Zauner pieces together her experience through the help of Korean cuisine, trying to grow closer to her mother by learning to cook the meals her mother used to make. Crying in H Mart has an approachable writing style as well as reflections on family and culture that I think many Sally Rooney fans would enjoy.

The Song of Achilles by Madeline Miller

TSOA is a stunning Greek mythology retelling detailing the Trojan War from Patroclus' perspective. The novel features achingly beautiful prose, and as much as I love it, I am aware that it is definitely not for every Rooney fan. If you're looking for the direct, lucid style of writing that Rooney displays in her novels, TSOA isn't for you. TSOA is slow-paced and the narration is lyrical, dazzling, and often emotional.

What TSOA does have in common with Rooney is that it centers on a romantic relationship and a particular dedication between two characters. They make mistakes, fate and family members try to get in their way, but the couple are constantly drawn to each other. It's magnetic. If you enjoyed the intimacy of Rooney's works, and don't mind a slower-paced, lyrical change, this is a great option.

Convenience Store Woman by Sayaka Murata

Convenience Store Woman is a sort of weird but striking novel that I wasn't convinced, at first, that I liked, but months down the line I found myself still thinking about it. Set in Japan, the novel follows Keiko, a convenience store worker who finds comfort in the straightforward rules of her workspace. She is happy in her role except for the constant judgments and pressures from her peers to search for something "better". She is also happy being single and living in a small apartment, except for the comments and questions from her friends and family. Throughout the story, Keiko struggles to find a way to maintain the lifestyle she enjoys without becoming socially unacceptable. The boundaries of Korean society collide with the life Keiko has in mind as Murata explores the definitions of success and happiness and whether there is any chance of creating harmony between personal happiness and societal expectation when that harmony fails to come naturally.

In Convenience Store Woman the reader is almost hyper-aware of Keiko's emotions and thoughts, which might be appealing if you enjoy the character personalities of Rooney's novels. Additionally, if you appreciate the social commentary that Rooney shares through her stories, Convenience Store Woman is worth a read.

How to Order the Universe by María José Ferrada

I read How to Order the Universe in the limbo of a train ride, in one sitting, cover to cover on my way to New York City.

Set in Chile, a young girl referred to as M joins her dad during his work as a traveling salesman. We see the world around them slowly shift as both M and her country grow and change, and eventually we see M's hindsight reckoning with her upbringing as she ventures into adulthood. It's a coming of age story that involves rumination on familial relationships, politics, and culture. If these are aspects of Sally Rooney's novels that you like, then you may enjoy How to Order the Universe as well. Ferrada doesn't speak quite as directly about politics as Rooney does—from what I remember it isn't actually discussed by the characters—but the political state of the country is deeply ingrained into the setting of the novel and is experienced through the eyes of a child growing up in that setting. It's also a short read, and great as a traveling companion.

Kim Jiyoung, Born 1982 by Cho Nam-Joo

Fictional but heavily based on the author's own experiences in Korea, Kim Jiyoung, Born 1982 details a woman's everyday battles with sexism, misogyny, and mental health. I think of this novel as an exposé of a cultural cover-up of the issues women face on a regular basis. The writing felt a bit rushed to me, although maybe that's intentional given how overworked and drained the protagonist feels. It's very much worth a read though, especially for fans of Conversations with Friends and those who appreciate the way women's issues are portrayed in Rooney's novels in general.

The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo by Taylor Jenkins Reid

The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo has more of a pop-fiction feel than Rooney's literary fiction, with a mystery edge to it as the fictional Old Hollywood starlet Evelyn Hugo slowly reveals her secrets to the reader. It's definitely more plot-based than, say, Normal People. If you're a "no plot just vibes" type, this isn't for you, but if you like a good plot-line with a few twists and turns, this is a great change of pace! Why I think it could work for Sally Rooney fans is that it gives the reader a close look at a specific character, her life philosophies, and her relationships, which are all key facets of Rooney's novels. It also discusses sexuality and how the labels attached to it affect the characters. If you're looking for something entertaining that keeps you on the edge of your seat, this is a good pick.

Ok! That's it for part one. I have some really exciting recommendations in part two, hopefully up before Christmas so that you have more gift options for all the Sally Rooney fans in your life (especially you). I'll post it under the #sally rooney tag on my page when it's ready. Thanks for reading! ✨

[amphibious-entity]

TMBS Book 1 Brain Dump

~An Embarrassingly Long Post~

I don’t know why I’m writing this or why I’m so determined to do it. Maybe to finally assume my true form and become a mega dork on main, or maybe just for fun!

This is basically a compilation of all the main points running through my head after reading The Mysterious Benedict Society (2007) for the first time. Rather than posting a ton and spamming the tag, everything’s here in one neat package! (hopefully this gets it all out of my system rip)

Contents:

The Book Itself

The Book Itself, for real this time

The Characters

A Funny Parallel

The S.Q. Section

Lines & Scenes I Liked

Spoilers abound!

The Book Itself

Upon acquiring the first three books (don’t judge me pls), I was surprised at just how long they are. Like, they’re still pretty light being paperbacks and all, but these books are hefty lads.

The first book has this Disney+ Original Series circle thing printed on it, which is kind of unfortunate. Regardless, I love the cover illustration and yellow is actually my favorite color :D It made me weirdly quite happy whenever I saw the book lying around in my room

Also, it’s really cute how there’s a letter from Mr. Benedict at the end! (It only reveals that you can find out his first name if you “know the code”, meaning the bit of Morse printed below the summary on the back.) Shock and horror, though, as I realized I’m starting to recognize some of the letters

The Book Itself, for real this time

It’s wonderful how the tone of the book really shone through to the show adaptation. Something about the deliberateness of the aesthetic, from the set designs to the fashion to scene compositions, that really sells that particular style— like it’s very clear that this story is being told to us, rather than one we’re seeing unfold, if that makes sense.

Where that narration style stood out to me the most was the first chapter. We are told (rather than shown) how Reynie gets himself to the point of the second test, and there’s this whole twisty time maneuver for that whole sequence of events that’s really interesting

A super secret fun fact about me is that I wanted to be a writer when I was younger! So this particular balance of show vs. tell is really neat, since it runs counter to my own tendencies. The sheer amount of commas in every sentence is also kind of comforting, since Ahah, I Do That in those few serious-ish attempts at writing lol

Overall this book’s style reminds me a lot of Roald Dahl’s books, which are very nostalgic for me :D The whole “kids are more competent than adults” angle helps a lot too haha

The Characters

Oh boy here’s where I get a little bit critical! Overall I did really like this book!! it’s just that that expresses itself in all this weird “”analysis”” lol

Reynie - much better in the books than in the show

It’s sort of a lukewarm take but I feel like show!Reynie is kind of boring? He doesn’t have a lot going on flaw-wise, and obviously since he’s the protagonist he can’t have too many weird traits or else the kids watching can’t project themselves onto him as easily

(I call it the difference between an aspirational protagonist and a vessel protagonist. Going off of the Roald Dahl vibes, think Matilda vs Charlie. show!Reynie is more of a Charlie)

Thus when we get to see him really struggle with the Whisperer and doubt himself it gives him a lot more dimension, at least in my opinion

It is a federal crime that the white knight scenes were not adapted into the show

Sticky - my son

I’ve long held to no one besides myself and my long suffering sister that Sticky is The Best Member of the Society

He happened to hit a lot of the Bingo squares of Stuff I Like In Characters: glasses, anxious, nice :), kind of a coward but ultimately is there for his friends, etc

For some reason I don’t talk about him nearly as much as you-know-who, but I love him just as dearly

Kate & Constance - I don’t have much to say

Kate is really interesting in this book! I like how we get to see more of her depths, in particular that one passage about her belief that she is invincible being the only thing that keeps her from falling apart? :c

Also her constant fidgeting is relatable lol

Constance is somehow a lot more tolerable in the book. I think I’m just one of those people with no patience for small children, unfortunately lol

(Some of) The Adults

It’s interesting that they had such an offscreen presence for most of the book. Giving them more time was probably one of the stronger changes of the show

However if that decision was made at the expense of the white knight scenes I think the choice should have been clear

I like the way Rhonda and Number Two are written

Milligan always on sad boy hours 😔✊

The “mill again” passage is touching but kind of messes up the pacing of the getaway, at least for me. Maybe I should read it again to make sure I didn’t miss something

Miss Perumal is much better in the show. We see so little of her in the book she doesn’t function well as an emotional anchor for Reynie, imo

The Institute Gang

Jackson and Jillson serve their purpose well, and Martina was surprising to say the least. I like the direction they took her in the show! I can’t imagine how funny it must have been to watch the tetherball subplot come out of nowhere lolol

These sections were written out of sequence, so random tidbit I couldn’t fit in The S.Q. Section: I like how he stumbles over his words. relatable

Mr. Curtain

While I think I know why they decided to not give Curtain the wheelchair in the show, we were totally robbed of Actor Tony Hale’s performance for the reveal during the final confrontation

Speaking of the wheelchair, it’s such a powerful symbol of his need for control or rather, his fear of losing it

The Contrast between him and Mr. Benedict. This point is expanded on in A Funny Parallel

Mr. Benedict

Oh boy, Mr. Benedict… How do I say this

I find it hard to trust Mr. Benedict, unfortunately

I mean to say, I do in the sense that I know he would never hurt the kids, thanks to knowing that a) this is a children’s book series and b) the meta (tumblr) states that he is really nice and lovable and stuff, but seriously. Why do the kids trust him at first?? I probably missed something somewhere

I like to think I’m an optimistic person, but unfortunately I’m also super paranoid. The premise of “a bunch of vulnerable orphans team up with a strange old man” is just so odd to me I don’t know how to explain it

I don’t know!!! I really want to trust Mr. Benedict

One of the strengths of the show is that we get to see him more often, and thus he gets to acknowledge more often that the plan is weird and that he feels really badly for putting the kids in danger and that he’s trustworthy and genuine

But his lack of presence for most of the book just makes him into something of a specter, invisible and unknowable, speaking only in riddles from across the bay

Which is why the white knight scene is so important!! I loved that scene ;-;

Because here’s an actual emotional connection! We can actually see it happening, rather than only being told that it exists

Reynie asking for advice and receiving encouragement, in words that demonstrate that Mr. Benedict actually cares about him and worries about him and agghh

It is a federal crime that the white knight scenes were not adapted into the show

But overall this whole issue didn’t ruin my enjoyment of the book at all! It’s just ->

A Funny Parallel

Okay, ready for my biggest brain, hottest take ever??

Mr. Benedict and Mr. Curtain…. are… the same

I mean obviously not entirely, given that one is benevolent and kind and the other is… Mr. Curtain

But seriously. Genius old man seeks out children (mainly orphans) to enact a plan. Said children often end up incredibly devoted to his cause and deeply admire him this is a little flimsy

Undoubtedly that’s intentional and is supposed to show the difference between them, like some kind of cautionary tale? “Let yourself be vulnerable and let others help you, lest you turn eeeeviiillll”

I guess that’s where the aforementioned epic contrast comes in. You get Mr. Curtain, strapped into his wheelchair and hiding behind those mirrored sunglasses, terrified (but unwilling to admit it) of ever showing the tiniest hint of vulnerability, vs. Mr. Benedict, who can let himself fall knowing that someone will catch him :’)

Anyhow I have nothing against the parallels, I just think it’s funny

The S.Q. Section

The S.Q. Quarantine Thread so it doesn’t leak out everywhere else <3

I’d like to meet the emo angstlord genius who read this book and decided to make SQ into Dr. Curtain’s son. What in the world

Okay I should probably preface this by saying that I absolutely adore both book!S.Q. and show!SQ with all my heart. Somehow, despite being a completely different character in both mediums, he has managed to be one of the best characters in either and certainly one of my favorites (besides Sticky of course) in the entire franchise, despite the fact that I’ve only read the first book/watched the show so far. I am confident in this statement.

But seriously! How?? Why?? I could probably write a whole other essay about why show!SQ is such an interesting character, and the change works so incredibly well. I’m just. Baffled

Okay, focus. book!S.Q. is such a sweetheart, oh my goodness. Like, 100% one of the most endearing characters in the book. Poor guy. I don’t even know where to start!!

He just seems to be a genuinely good guy at heart, despite being technically one of the bad guys. He’s genuinely happy for Reynie and Sticky when they became Messengers and helped Kate when she “fell” and was concerned about Constance when she looked sick and how he was in that meeting with Mr. Curtain and Martina?!!? aaahhhhghgh ;-; he just wants people to be happy TT-TT

Comparing him against literally every character at the Institute is probably what makes him so endearing tbh. When everyone else is so awful to the kids, it really makes him stand out. Like a cheerful little nightlight in the worst, most humid and rank bathroom you’ve ever been in

It’s kind of pointless to theorize about a book series that’s already concluded (I think?) but. Is the implication of S.Q.’s forgetfulness supposed to be that Mr. Curtain used him in brainsweeping experiments somehow? The timeline probably definitely absolutely doesn’t line up but like. How did he get to being a Messenger being the way he is now, given how cutthroat the process is? And then of course Mr. Curtain keeps him around as an Executive because he’s fun to mess with and presumably his loyalty. I’m very curious as to how their relationship develops in the other books, if at all. Those are probably where the seeds of the “let’s make them family” logic were planted

But wouldn’t it be hilarious if the reason we don’t know what “S.Q.” stands for in the books is that he just. Forgot

Another thing that occurred to me. Given that he and the other Executives were Messengers at some point, what were their worst fears? What is S.Q.’s worst fear?? Inquiring minds need to know

One last horrible little anecdote: I was thinking about book!S.Q. while eating breakfast, as one does, and suddenly it hit me.

I want to believe The Author Trenton Lee Stewart had the name for a character, S.Q. Pedalian, and was like, “Hm! What sort of quirky trait should this young fellow have?” Because, of course, in this style of fiction every character has to have at least one cartoonish or otherwise distinguishing trait to stand out in the minds of children. (For instance, Kate has her bucket, Sticky has his glasses, Constance is angry, and Reynie is Emmett from the Lego Movie)

Anyhow, he looks around the room, searching for inspiration. Suddenly he comes across a jumbo box of plastic wrap. Completely innocuous in design, save for one line of text. 300 SQ FT.

“…large… S.Q. …feet? THAT’S IT!” i’m sorry

Lines & Scenes I Liked

In no particular order!

Sticky quotes Sun Tzu, The Art of War

Evil combination aerobics/square dancing in the gym with the Executives

Everyone being happy at the end :’)

Everyone partying after Sticky reunites with his parents, and later finding Mr. Benedict asleep at his desk from the moment they shook hands :’’)

Literally any scene with Sticky in it

Any time Kate says “you boys” or “gosh”

[“Um, sir?” S.Q. said timidly, raising his hand. “A thought just occurred to me.” / Mr. Curtain raised his eyebrows. “That’s remarkable, S.Q. What is it?”] clown prince of my heart </3

S.Q.’s determined monologue about searching for clues after he bungled up the first time

Literally any scene with S.Q. in it (please refer to The S.Q. Section)

Reynie trying to resist the Whisperer.

[Let us begin. / First let me polish my spectacles, Reynie thought. / Let us begin. / Not without my bucket, Reynie insisted. He heard Mr. Curtain muttering behind him. / Let us begin, let us begin, let us begin. / Rules and schools are tools for fools, Reynie thought.]

NO MORE HURTIN’ WITH CURTAIN

Milligan showing up on the island!!

Remember the white knight hhhhhh

“controle”

A Super Secret Bonus Section

I would be extremely surprised if anyone read through all the way down here lol. Regardless, here’s a little acknowledgements section :D not tagging anyone since I don’t want to bother all of these people

Special shoutout to tumblr blog stonetowns for unknowingly yet singlehandedly demolishing my reluctance to read the books by posting a ton of cute quotes. Thank you for your service o7

Thanks to the two OGs that liked the post I made right before this one, for being my unwitting enablers and for sticking around despite being a) technically an internet stranger (hello!) and b) someone I haven’t spoken to irl in literal years (hey!!)

Last but not least thankz 2 my sister for putting up with me ranting about the book when I first got it and for asking about “CQ” sometimes lol. (i desperately hope you’re not reading this orz)

[bookwyrminspiration]

is it still council-hating hours? even if not, this is something that's been bothering me for....so long. and i am going to explode if i don't say it right now. (In fact i actually have a doc titled "council incompetence rant" that is. getting a little long.)

One of the things that annoys me the most in Keeper is how utterly incompetent the Council is. They are shit at their jobs! They don't make sense! And that would be fine if that was something that was explored and talked about in the story, but it's not?

Like, sure, it's brushed on a little, but Keeper never goes in-depth in order to explain just how flawed and corrupt the system is! We have no idea how far the rot goes because we haven't been given a chance to see how far it goes, and despite the earlier books being really great setup for all kinds of plots and discussions surrounding the Council, it feels like Messenger is completely dropping that in favor of..."Neverseen Bad, Council + Black Swan Good". Which I call fucking bullshit on, by the way, because this series has gone to pretty decent lengths before to show that it's not the case! So WHY are we getting to that now?

Well, I think all of this is the symptom of a bigger problem.

Note: I don't want to be mean, and please tell me if I'm being too critical here, but this series has some serious problems actually delivering on what it's saying.

Like, it's trying to tell us that Sophie shouldn't be doing all this because she's a kid, but then it treats her very own existence as a project as background information when that should absolutely be at the forefront (like it was in earlier books)!

It's trying to tell us that discrimination against the Talentless is bad, but then every single member of it's cast has an ability, has a strong ability, and regularly uses their ability! Even Dex, who could have easily been talentless and good with tech, gets to be a Super Good Gadget Person thanks to his ability as opposed to his own creativity and ingenuity.

It's trying to tell us that maybe banishing children is bad, but also tells us that Exillium is now """fixed""" because Oralie gave them...better tents? Food? And never touches on the fact that children are still. getting. banished. It doesn't explore Tam's anger in detail, Linh is only there to be the token asian girl, it does nothing to fully dispel any thought of the Council being alright.

And it's trying to tell us that the Council fucks up, it's showing us that Councillors have no problem being incredibly selfish and violent and so many other terrible things, but that never changes. Nothing in Keeper is changing. It is only maintaining the status quo!

I'm confused as to what Messenger is trying to tell her readers! Are the Council good or bad? Is working with the Council good or bad? Are the Black Swan and Neverseen actually morally grey? Should I be angry at what's happening in these books? Am I meant to look at all the rot and shrug because "that's just how it is"?

And like...I wouldn't be mad if Keeper was just...bad! I mean, I would, but I wouldn't be as distraught! What really grinds my gears is that Keeper has the chance to be good. It has the chance to do great things - and at times it absolutely does! - but it keeps reinforcing belief in a deeply flawed and broken system that is regularly hurting people. And those examples were just off the top of my head!

And again, if this was explored within the series, that would be amazing, but the problem is that it's...not. And that's just...a real fuckin' shame, honestly.

- pyro

(sorry if this was like...too angry? i started and then kinda just...couldn't stop. i should probably get a hobby that's not tearing a middle grade series apart. oops.)

it may have been over a week since you sent this (thank you for being patient with me!!), but fuck yes it is still council hating hours. it is always council hating hours in this household that is not actually a house. (also that incompetence rant sounds intriguing)

yes! you are right! they are so bad at what they're supposed to be doing it's like they're just figures for people to look to and say "yea they'll take care of it" to keep everyone else from acting out! but it's really interesting to see a government so awful and incompetent be such an integral and influential part of the story...without acknowledging that they're actually really bad? I know in Unlocked there's a line where Shannon says something like "Sophie had to figure out who the bad guys were: the black swan? the council? someone else entirely?" but then it's never touched on again that I can remember. Thinking through the series, I honestly can't think of a situation that the council, of their own volition, saw was an issue and corrected in a way that was beneficial to those who needed it. Like yea, Oralie gave money to Exillium, but that was after Sophie chewed her out about it. I think i've said it before but in case not: it feels like they've taken the "for the good of the many over the good of the few" ideology too far in a society that doesn't work for. If someone threatens the majority (and often that's just in appearance only) they get rid of them to preserve the image of the rest. It doesn't care about their people, it cares about the majority of people feeling undisturbed.

considering Sophie is part of a huge organization created literally because their society, led by that system, isn't working for a lot of people, they (the Black Swan) sure do go along with the council a whole lot. I think one of the linked posts in one of my masterposts is specifically about how making the Black Swan work so closely with the council screwed them over and completely undermined everything they were working towards. I'm going to make a very vague comparison here, but the Black Swan feel like "we need to fix the system" while the Neverseen are "the system is broken lets start over" (except the Neverseen added a lot more violence into the mix). It's absolutely infuriating to have them working side by side: one, because the Black Swan aren't accomplishing any of their goals and should cut their losses and go back to being mysterious underground groups with more freedom to move (in my opinion), but two, because it makes the council seem like it's trying to fix things when really it feels like a publicity thing to make the public think they're addressing the rebel issue while they're really just showing up in places and causing problems. And!! that's another thing! it feels like their collaboration with the Black Swan is to address the problem of having rebels, not the problems these rebels have identified and are trying to fix. Unfortunately, it seems the council is getting their way more than the Black Swan, getting them to act more legally and work closer with less room for working outside the system. if that makes sense.

considering it's literally stated in unlocked that there is no "good" and "bad," there does seem to be a lot of focus on associating the Black Swan with being Right, and the Neverseen with being Wrong. I can hope that it's the outward reactions to the Black Swan realizing they've done some fucked up stuff (Sophie) and are now overcompensating and trying to make sure their every move is the correct one. But I do think it will be interesting to see if Sophie makes the connection in canon (as she's already started to) that there isn't always a right option, there's just the best you can do with a situation and the Black Swan's insistence that she was "in the wrong" (a summary) helps her realize her own values and think through their decisions with her own perspective instead of just trusting them

response to your note: you're fine! you bring up a good point that this book sounds like it wanted to be a unique perspective (by having the "good guys" also be questionable and give the "bad guys" reasonable motives) but the execution misses the mark for a lot of us. so you're qualms and observations are entirely valid and I don't think you're being mean at all! I think you're expressing a frustration you have with something, which I support and encourage.

at times it feels like Shannon bit off more than she could chew in terms of all the complicated things she could get into when it comes to this series. not saying she's doing a bad job or a horrible author or anything, just that there are some things she introduced that kind of get left behind or unexplored because there's so much else going on. I think we can see that in the whole being experiment part of Sophie life. we saw sophie was uncomfortable with it in the first few books and would sometimes bring it up, but I personally would've been more satisfied if she'd either taken the time to process it (opposed to her think about that later strategy) or come to the realization that no, she isn't okay with it and she deserves to have her thoughts on the matter heard. she was literally created to serve someone elses purpose, and brought into the fight too early at that. and yet it's treated like an "oopsie, guess we just gotta go with it" thing, like this minor part of her story when I bet her thinking about it for more than a minute at a time would absolutely wreck her. but I'm getting caught up in this, so moving on!

I think we can see it in the talentless too, as it's treated like a "that doesn't affect me" thing for Sophie. because she doesn't have any friends that are talentless right now--the closest she's got is Marella, who I think is still legally considered talentless with her pyrokinesis. it's been acknowledged that she doesn't think the way talentless are treated is right, but it doesn't impact her right now so she's not really doing anything about it. maybe if this was brought back later with someone like Jensi, then that would be a satisfying conclusion to this issue (not a conclusion, but it wouldn't be left hanging, if that makes sense). And I can understand the benefit of leaving things open to go back and explore later from a writers perspective, but at a certain point it becomes more of a hindrance to the story than anything else.

and exillium! I have so many thoughts on Exillium that I actually started talking about it earlier in this post. They're not doing anything unless prompted and what they do is the bare minimum. With the tents and the food, they aren't fixing Exillium, they're making it into what it should've been at the very least were they going to actually go down that route. So I can't praise them for it when it's just basic decency to provide literal children with food and shelter when you force them to be somewhere they don't want to. But all this doesn't fix Exillium, because the problem is that it exists in the first place. The problem is that the council saw children who were struggling, and decided the best thing to do with them was to just get them out of the way for everyone else. Three coaches total for leadership? yeah, there's no way that place was ever supposed to be "alternate learning" or however Oralie phrased it, that was just so you could say you hadn't completely abandoned them in the middle of nowhere.

you're so right about the council fucks up bit--I think the most obvious example of this is with Sophie's ability restrictor. Yea, she's not wearing it anymore, but that's not because the council changed their minds. It's because she broke the law and the didn't punish her for it. this is a great example of how things keep trying to move forward, but the council isn't doing anything to stay up with it. "they are selfish and violent[...] but that never changes." yes!! this!! you put it so well! the council is still the same old council that we saw in book one, concerned with their own interests and their own views, just trying to mitigate the damage Sophie and her friends are capable of doing to their system. Note: the fact that a handful of teenagers who haven't even graduated can do this much damage might be telling of the structural integrity of their system. Bronte and Terik did a little flip, and Alina replaced the Now Crispy Kenric, but aside from that nothing has changed.

I will say, I personally don't want it to be clear who the good guys and bad guys are. (not saying that's what you're asking for! just piggybacking off your comment on the confusion). I'm glad that the characters make me think and I'm grateful there isn't just the "we're good and they're bad" element you see in other stories. not that that's bad, i just think realistically they'd be more complex and their simplicity grows repetitive after a while. But like I said, at times it feels like there's too much going on for there to be a clear message, which in and of itself could be the message. i could be seeing something where there's nothing, though. I think part of it might be Shannon trying to take on all these complex narratives and perspectives with a limited perspective (as in she only has Sophie to tell the story through), while also needing to make it enjoyable and palletable to a young audience.

and I agree with you! I think it's a lot of the potential we see not being used that makes us so infuriated (or me at least). Because there are some stories yo uread where you're like "ah. it's just one of those stories. cool." and you move past it. Because you know it's going to have a set perspective and you know it's going to accomplish what it wants, but Keeper seems to have so many possibilities and Shannon's getting stuck in this rut of good and bad after so long. maybe we'll get out of it in the next book with sophie thinking the Black Swan was in the wrong, but I also wouldn't be surprised if that Didn't Happen.

it's just like what i was saying about Ro! There's all these opportunities for these characters and this world to be really explored and fleshed out and complex, but we've gotten stuck in this romance drama and loosing fights again and again with little progress. All their actions are undoing the Neverseen's actions and counting it a victory because no one is dead. I just think there could be so much more that we're not getting because the story tried to go too broad when it wasn't ready for it.

this response got very long but in essence: I agree with your assessment of the story. is frustrating to see so many of the details and paths we'd like to see explored that often aren't in fiction just pass us by.

there is a special place for keeper in my heart and I will always appreciate it for that, but I also mourn what it could've been.

(also: you are not too angry! you have genuine thoughts about this series and they deserve to be heard! we are allowed to have complaints, even about the things we like. we don't have to appreciate every single aspect and we're allowed to be mad at the things we don't like.)

[iamanartichoke]

Why would Loki believe what Mobius tells or shows him? Frigga's death-film could be faked, Loki's responsibility for it might false, saying he always fails and causes death etc. ... where's the proof? Yes, the segments were selected to manipulate his emotions and align him with the TVA, and there's self-loathing, but he's also supposed to be smart and familiar with how lies work. Maybe he's playing along to escape and do what every Loki who ever existed and created a variant did: what he wants.

[please blacklist spoiler tags: #loki tv series spoilers, #loki series spoilers, #loki spoilers]

Well, here's the thing.

(under the cut for spoilers + length)

Objectively, I agree with you - that is, I fully recognize and agree with the characterization of Loki being intelligent and also manipulative (and therefore more than familiar with the art of lying), and I agree that it would be really, really hard to manipulate Loki without him realizing what you're doing and figuring out how to counter it and manipulate you in return (and you won't figure it out as quickly).

However. I don't think Loki is impossible to manipulate, or that his intelligence and innate capacity to lie (often and well) mean that he's immune to falling prey to someone else's schemes, when those schemes are rooted in/relying on all of the rawest vulnerabilities that Loki, as a person, possesses.

Loki's tragic flaw (or one of them, in my opinion) is that his emotions can and often do get the better of him because they are the result of how thoroughly and bone-deeply he hates himself. In Thor 2011, for example, Loki's initial plan evolves from trying to delay Thor's coronation into trying to simultaneously destroy Asgard's greatest enemy (and, presumably, destroy the monster within himself) and trying to prove his worth as a prince and a son to Odin. Were his plan to succeed, the only thing he would ultimately gain is validation that he has equal value to Thor. (Certainly he knows that Odin will wake up and Thor will eventually return; like, there are no long-term goals for keeping the throne here.)

Point being, everything he's orchestrating becomes motivated by emotion over logic and, ultimately, he doesn't really lose so much as he gives up because Odin rejects his plan - and, therefore, rejects Loki - and it hurts him so badly that he attempts to kill himself. He literally can't live with the pain it causes him.

So, I mean, we already know that Loki is deeply emotional and immensely insecure. We know that he's felt inferior and out of place his entire life, only to have those feelings validated by the revelation of his being Jotun and the rejection of his effort to prove himself as worthy as Thor.

We also know that a literally suicidal Loki ended up going through an extremely traumatic experience with Thanos and, furthermore, he has now failed pretty majorly in "taking over" Earth. Loki's in bad mental shape and, I mean, there's his proof right there that Mobius is right and that he always fails and causes death. He failed in Thor 2011 (and caused death). He failed in Avengers (and caused death). He believes himself to be worthless, deserving of rejection; he is emotionally unstable and has untapped reservoirs of pain under the surface.

He is, in other words, in an absolutely ideal place to be manipulated by Mobius. He doesn't seem to believe what Mobius tells or shows him at first - asking where Frigga is being kept, not believing the events that haven't happened to him yet, arguing back against every point Mobius makes, etc. But, as the scene wears on, you can tell he's becoming less and less sure that it's a falsity and more and more uncomfortable and upset because Mobius is unrelentingly digging at everything Loki's ever feared about himself.

That's the state Loki's in when Mobius selectively shows him the most painful scenes from his future.

Not to diagnose Loki, bc I am not qualified to do so, but to project a little bit - as an emotionally unstable person myself, who has struggled with mental health for as long as I can remember, I can very easily see how Loki would believe Mobius at that point.

It's like, imagine that you have all of these fears about yourself and they color the lens through which you view the world. I mean, Loki's experiences have definitely contributed to his poor self worth, and his family and culture have fucked him up - no imagined slights here - but when you hate yourself enough, it can alter how you perceive every little thing.

You may blame yourself a little harder for things that aren't your fault. You may too quickly assume that someone else thinks the worst of you when they may not think anything in particular about you at all. You may feel completely and utterly alone and hopeless about that ever changing because why would anyone want ever want to love someone as worthless as you?

Now imagine you've done some really bad things and, deep down, you feel guilty about them. You didn't enjoy doing them, but you did enjoy how powerful they made you feel, and that makes you a bad person, too. You weren't even wanted as a baby, for fuck's sake; you were literally abandoned for no discernable reason besides possibly being a runt, aka being born wrong.

These are all things you feel, and then here comes this person who is showing you events that have happened that he shouldn't know about, he's telling you information about yourself that he shouldn't have, he's showing you that he's got the resources to figure you and your life out and then he tells you to your face - while showing you even more failure and death in your future - oh hey, everything that you fear and everything that you feel? Yeah, that's all valid. You are irredeemable. You are responsible for death and destruction. You are unwanted, both by your family and by existence itself. You're only here so that others can have someone to stand on while they climb to the top. You killed your own mother because you're so selfish and vengeful! God, how do you even live with yourself, you destructive waste of space?

I mean, again, call me biased and paint me as projecting my mental illnesses on Loki but if it were me, no amount of intelligence or experience with lies would be enough to not believe every single word Mobius said about me (and about the situation).

It's certainly possible that Loki is playing along to escape; I mean, we know that he does eventually escape, though whether he gets captured again or not remains to be seen. But I think that, at the conclusion of the episode, Loki has just been broken down enough by everything he went through that day (it was a really rough day for Loki) that he's like, yknow what, just - okay, fine, tell me what I have to do bc I'm all outta options here.

(Actually, to be completely honest, I think there's both going on - Loki is resigned to being stuck with the TVA but also he probably recognizes that, at some point, he's going to get the opportunity to escape and might as well play nice until it comes along.)

So, yeah - I completely buy how that scene went down in regards to Loki believing Mobius.

[lovelivingmydreams]

What is a happy ending?

So someone (looks sternly at @rondoel) thought giving me insight in a certain OC of theirs and making me feel things is an okay thing to do. That I won't proceed to write a heartbreaking epilogue to my two part Virgil king story. This one not as long. But still. Enjoy:

What is a happy ending?

"Why happily ever after?" King wondered aloud as He studied their latest piece of art.

No one had ever answered that question for Him. Not in a meaningful way at least. And it never truly stopped bothering Him.

"Your majesty?" Anxiety asked carefully. Probably not sure if he had been meant to hear. King wasn't so sure Himself.

Oh well. He might as well finish the thought. Something interesting might come from it.

"Happily ever after. It's so... boring. Why does everyone like it so much?" He had wondered so often...

Anxiety shrugged. "Princey loved that crap. He hated it when I called out the flaws, though he could be just as bad with plot holes.

It's not realistic at all and... well boring is one word for it." His tone and face could almost be mistaken for dismissive, but King could swear He spotted fondness in the upturn of Anxiety's mouth and a slight wistfulness in the shine of his eyes.

King however was more interested in this more nuanced perspective on the story trope. Answers at last?

Anxiety noticed his king desired for him to elaborate and immediately started fidgeting as he tried to find the words to express his thoughts sufficiently.

"I suppose... everyone thinks that's what they want?" His nerves turn the sentence into a question. "When they are little it's an easy goal. You find the one who'll make you whole, or defeat the villain, or both. And then nothing ever bothers you again.

It's not how life works though... and growing up... I think everyone still has a part of them that wants to hold on to things being that... simple..." Anxiety trailed off and looked up at king curiously. His face strangely focused as if he was looking for an answer himself.

"Simple?" King urged wanting to hear more. Anxiety was so close to making sense. So close to bringing about that wonderful feeling when curiosity was sated. A story complete at last.

"Um... yeah... I mean even I feel a little... I don’t know... it feels right?

When you do the right thing, even when it's hard and you get the stuff you want anyway. And when people who hurt you don’t win. You want the world to work like that. If not for you then at least for the servant girl, who just wanted a night off, or the waitress who just wanted to buy her father's dream restaurant. Hard work, kindness, patience... they should be rewarded right?" Anxiety explained. Sounding frustrated. "And..." he let out a resigned sigh before straightening up and continued more decidedly. "Since the world doesn't work that way... why not escape somewhere where it does?" It was passionate. Perhaps in defense of Roman's favorite thing in the world. Then that fight and righteous defiance fell away in favor of a nostalgic fondness. "Thomas did it all the time growing up," Anxiety sighed before returning his attention to the painting that had prompted the question. A Father's Day movie night.

Hugs and snacks and movies with happily ever afters galore. All of Morality's favorite things.

King had to admit it had... stung to discover that Morality had taken up the role He'd given him even after he betrayed everything that title stood for.

Had he ever felt even the slightest bit conflicted when hearing Roman calling him 'Padre'?

Or was it supposed to be fine, since he thought Roman was the only half of Him who felt attached to him that way?

Had it truly never occurred to him that while he took in the confused Roman, he left behind a disoriented and heartbroken Remus who didn't understand why daddy was ignoring him.

What had he done wrong?

Why did he never get bedtime stories or hugs from dad? Why was he shoved away, scolded, ignored?

Why was he not allowed to play in the imagination with his brother?

The last thought had plagued both halves for years.

Even Roman who had stopped admitting to it to please Morality felt conflicted during story times and hugs to this day.

Telling Thomas that he didn't want anything to do with his brother had hurt more than the bump on his head...

But all of that was in the past. They were gone and their unresolved issues were a waste of His time. He had berated, tormented, Anxiety over this. He would not fall victim to such sentimentalities Himself.

"I see... escapism then?" He muttered, trying to get back on topic and not to show the... somewhat emotional turn His thoughts had taken.

Like His halves, His 'Padre' was gone. He probably never existed in the first place.

And Morality would pay for that betrayal and the way he abandoned Remus and how he made Roman fight to earn his love, only to abandon him as well. His suffering had only just begun.

Not because it still mattered. But... any excuse to justify and fuel His wrath even a little bit more was good enough for Him.

He'd probably avenge slights against his minister simply to feign kinship and watch the traitors squirm under his rule just a bit more. Not that he needed a reason to do anything. But justified rage was so much more satisfying to set loose. Because the targets would feel, deep down, they brought this upon themselves.

"Yeah... there's enough crappy stuff going on in the world right? Thomas... wants to use his talents to make people smile. And while that's cheesy, it's also... well it's him," Anxiety shrugged. King hummed in agreement as He framed the picture and put it away. He'd barely paid attention honestly. The answer was satisfactory. But there was a new question on His mind. As He mused over His minister's attachments to His enemies and how to sever them He recalled something intriguing about his recent behavior.

Anxiety had been pulling away from Morality. Why? What had caused a crack in 'the bestest most dynamicest duoest duo'?

And was this something he could use to forge an allegiance. Or to hurt Morality as deeply as He'd been hurt. Or, ideally, both?

King smirked to Himself as He laid a gentle hand on Anxiety's shoulder. He asked about a drawing of the young side and Thomas. He was pleased to note that His minister no longer shrank away every time He moved in his general direction. He might not be comfortable with His touch yet, but he was getting used to it. Something that would surely get to the others who still tiptoed around Anxiety's boundaries.

Maybe, at some point, he could be made to truly see things His way. To see the traitors for the villains they were. Just the thought of the chaos that this realization would unleash... It would be magnificent.

Morality had forgotten something important about 'happily ever after's.

Bad guys don’t get them. And the victor is always the hero.

It was only right that King reminded him of the shadow side of his favourite ending.

By making him live it.

Virgil knew that it was a bad thing that he found himself enjoying talking about his memories to the king and watching them turn into pretty cool paintings.

He was Anxiety, this was definitely a crisis. He can't relax now, not around the reason of said crisis... but if he doesn't relax a little his thoughts might do something really bad. And if he doesn't do whatever the king wants, then the king might do something bad.

So he had to balance on this weird edge of anxious, but cool with it.

The others were counting on him. To stay safe, to keep it together, to keep King distracted, to find a way to get him to lay off a little...

"Worthless." And... the thing is back.

"Dude, seriously, not now!" He snapped at his... shadow.

King just looked on intrigued. Great. Now the shadow had King's attention.

"Failure," it hissed. Right... King is not his biggest problem right now.

So far the shadow had only been mildly annoying even quiet for the most part. But clearly anxious thoughts made it remember it could be a pain in the behind. And worst thing is it got to Virgil even more because it laid out his true fears for King to see and use against him.

"You... you are just... you're just a thought. You can't hurt me." Virgil insisted.

Thomas could deal with his irrational fits. Surely he could manage this thing, right?

"Monsssster," the shadow hissed. No he didn't think that anymore!

"Guardian!" Virgil bit back. Patton said so, Logan said so, Roman said so, Thomas said so... why cant he just believe them?

He found himself struggling to breath again. The thoughts... they were real now... what if they could hurt him...? Can he die? What would happen to Thomas?

"Begone!" Virgil snapped out of his near attack at the sudden outburst from King.

What...?

He looked up just in time to see a flash of metal and shadow's dissolving figure.

"It'll reform later," King muttered as he sheeted his sword.

"It became too bothersome. You should not let your creations have power over you young one. You are their master, don't forget that," he instructed calmly, not looking at him.

Did he just...?

"Return to your business now, I find that I am in need of a break," he then declared as he walked away, still not looking back.

"But..." he came to a halt. "Should you wish to finish our gallery... I might be willing to indulge your presence later."

Virgil didn't quiet know what to do, so he bowed, just in case the king could see it somehow. "Y-yes my king. Thank you," he stammered hurriedly.

When he looked up, the king was gone.

And Virgil ran. He needed to find Lo and Pat before the shadows returned.

His thoughts were a confused mess... he hadn't imagined that right?

King had really stepped in to save him instead of letting Virgil's punishment, gift, curse, whatever run its course...

And then he left it up to Virgil to decide if and when they'd finish up.

There was probably some messed up reason behind it... but still.

Virgil wasn't stupid though. Even if saving him had been a purely noble impulse, King hadn't undone his 'gift' to make sure it wouldn't happen again. Telling him to put his foot down with 'his own creations' didn't really count.

King still messed up real bad and would have to do something pretty impressive to make up for all of that.

And Virgil was pretty sure that it wasn't just his pessimism talking when he thought that the king was no where close to wanting to make nice with any of them.

Or not for the right reasons anyway.

He shook his head. He can worry about all that later. Right now he has to find the others. Before King runs into one of them.

Virgil's trip down memory lane might've been deemed 'entertaining' or whatever, but he hadn't be around for whatever had happened to make the king be out for blood in the first place.

He didn't want to find out what King's idea of 'having fun' was when it came to Pat, Lo or even Janus. Whatever they did, it was still his duty to protect Thomas. Physically, socially, mentally and emotionally. Whether he wanted him to or not.

And not even King was going to stop him from fulfilling his purpose.

@antiredhuman you wanted to be tagged if I wrote more for this au so here you go! Hope you like it!

[senadimell]

Boromir for the character ask?

send me a character and i’ll list:

favorite thing about them: Honestly? His focus. He's a problem-solver. He focuses on whatever task is in front of him, and while he's the golden child, I honestly don't know if he'd be the best fit for Steward because he seems to be at his best when he's thinking about concrete solutions to discrete problems.

Oh! The other thing is that he evaluates the advice given to him for what it is, not based on the authority of the advisor. He’s not going to accept bad advice just because it comes from a trustworthy source, and he’s going to be honest about his thoughts. So he’ll trust and respect the advice of the council of Elrond, but not to the point where he doesn’t ask questions or question things that don’t make sense (I’m thinking about Caradhras here) It’s a good skill to have as the de-facto heir to Gondor, and it makes sense that he’s not in awe of elves or Gandalf and acts among them as a guest but also as an equal at least in political status, though his experience is vastly more limited.

At the same time, he’s not arrogant or haughty. He's a team player. He’s supportive of decisions for the most part, though where the ring is concerned, things get skewy. He’s not the kind of person to rub mistakes back in your face. He’s compassionate and understanding (which we see even in the way he treats Frodo as he strives for the Ring).

least favorite thing about them: Honestly Boromir doesn’t bother me in the slightest. I suppose his positive traits are also double-edged swords. Focusing more on the advice than the giver sort of has Feanor vibes? And you can see where his focus leads him when he talks to Frodo about why he wants the ring and how he would use it. He can see his corner of the world (Gondor) and his place in saving it (political, but primarily military leadership), and it’s his practicality, drive, and focus that the Ring exploits. He’s too busy thinking about what he must do to save the day that he misses the grander scheme (yet he’s doing it because he cares! he cares!).

brOTP: Um, Faramir, I guess. Though I guess it’d be kinda sweet if he’s got a brotherly relationship with Bergil. I can easily imagine Bergil hero-worshipping Boromir, and so I think it’d be sweet if Boromir did acknowledge him and know him by name.

OTP: none? look, I rarely ship and even more rarely out of canon.

nOTP: also none? Shelob? The Ring?

random headcanon: I dunno...

unpopular opinion: boromir has dark hair Sean Bean is an actor he’s not the only face

So I feel like there’s a bit of a structural problem with the LotR fandom. Characters are often written in pairs or as foils, and inevitably the comparison starts to turn towards “who’s better?” Then, if you don’t ship them, there’s a tendency to aggrandize one character’s virtues and minimize their flaws (which tends to happen everywhere), but then the comparison game starts. Because they have a paired character, the natural next step is to lionize your favorite by de-emphasizing the other character’s strengths and virtues (and sometimes also highlighting their flaws). (I’m not immune to this by far, btw, and am possibly about to engage in it.)

This happen the most with Frodo and Sam, but I think you also see it in Boromir and Faramir. Because obviously, in the books, Faramir is the golden child. Not in his father’s eyes, of course, but narratively speaking. And I have mad respect for him.

Most people don’t try and diss Faramir (because frankly. it’s hard. like, what are you going to say?), but there’s a tendency to downplay the fact that Boromir is his culture’s golden child, and Faramir...isn’t. Which isn’t to say Faramir isn’t beloved by those who know him, but his strengths are not valued in the same way that Boromir’s are. Faramir knows this. And given Boromir’s attitudes discussed above (how confidently he assumes his position in the world), I can’t believe he’s the 100% supportive, loving, sensitive, protective brother that fanon depicts him as. I don’t see how he can be.

Don’t get me wrong, I do believe the brothers love each other deeply. But growing up with siblings has taught me that it’s possible to love someone and yet be deeply wounded by them due to the casual and inescapable intimacy of your relationship? You can share more inside jokes and weird stories than anyone, yet you can never get away from how deeply they know you--not your thoughts, but who you are at home and who you were when you were seven and how you acted when someone broke up with you or what you did when your parents were furious.

You also know exactly how you match up against them, because you will always exist as a unit. And because your relationship is as natural as the lens  in your eye (you can’t imagine viewing the world without it), you forget about the other as a person and just say something and don’t think about how it hurts them. You can joke about this one thing and your sibling can carry around the hurt for years and you didn’t even know. And maybe the hurt isn’t even your fault--maybe they were just sensitive and you had no way of knowing, but the hurt doesn’t go away for the lack of malice. And even best-friend siblings are capable of malice towards each other at times.

So Boromir is good at things that Faramir isn’t, and Boromir knows it. He’s probably ribbed his brother in what he thinks is a playful way about when you’re going to shape up, or do X, or do Y, or why do you do that, anyways, or do you realize that’s a little unbecoming? maybe you should stop that. You know Father’s going to think that you’re... And he doesn’t realize how those slights can add up over the years. I do think he’s said things to his peers about his brother that have ended up hurting him. No matter how pure and nice he is, that sort of thing is unavoidable, and due to his cultural upbringing I don’t actually think he’d question the appropriateness of his attitude/acceptance and glorification of martial prowess at the expense of those who don’t have it in the same degree.

I think this passage is really telling:

For on the eve of the sudden assault a dream came to my brother in a troubled sleep; and afterwards a like dream came oft to him again, and once to me. 'In that dream I thought the eastern sky grew dark and there was a growing thunder, but in the West a pale light lingered, and out of it I heard a voice, remote but clear, crying:          Seek for the Sword that was broken:          In Imladris it dwells;          There shall be counsels taken          Stronger than Morgul-spells.          There shall be shown a token          That Doom is near at hand,          For Isildur's Bane shall waken,          And the Halfling forth shall stand. Of these words we could understand little, and we spoke to our father, Denethor, Lord of Minas Tirith, wise in the lore of Gondor. This only would he say, that Imladris was of old the name among the Elves of a far northern dale, where Elrond the Halfelven dwelt, greatest of lore-masters. Therefore my brother, seeing how desperate was our need, was eager to heed  the  dream and seek for  Imladris; but since the way was full of doubt and danger, I took the journey upon myself. Loth was my father to  give  me leave, and long have I wandered by roads forgotten, seeking the house of Elrond, of which many had heard, but few knew where it lay.' 

There’s so much you can read into this. Faramir has this dream, and he has it many times. We know he’s a lover of lore and no less devoted to his kingdom than Boromir, though his love is expressed differently. He is “eager” to heed the dream. So would I if I was having prophecy dreams all the time.

But is Faramir a member of the fellowship? No. Why? Because Boromir “took it upon himself.” He wanted to do it, he thought himself the better candidate (and Faramir the worse), and he argued his way into doing it against his father’s wishes. Coupled with Denethor’s later attitude towards Boromir, I’m inclined to believe Boromir was uniquely able to obtain this quest for himself because Denethor has a soft spot for him.

I find myself inclined to disregard Boromir’s account of Faramir’s motive (”how desparate was our need”), because it sounds like he’s justifying the appropriateness of his actions.  If it’s just about the great need of the kingdom, it’s nothing personal that one brother goes and the other stays. That view implies  that Faramir’s interest in this mission is primarily utilitarian in purpose, with a little academic curiosity--that is, it’s nothing personal. Doesn’t matter who goes! Not as long as we protect the kingdom! Which...just doesn’t square with his description of Faramir having repeatedly cryptic dreams that he wants to understand. I can almost guarantee that Faramir wants to know what those dreams meant more than Boromir.

It’s a bit tragic, because ultimately Faramir was more suited for the quest than Boromir (tramping about in the wilderness doesn’t seem to be a problem, he’s also a team player, and he’s much more willing to accept the power of the Ring/not downplay its personal danger, and would be able to see it in a bigger picture beyond just Gondor). Ultimately, though, if Boromir was the one to catch Frodo in Ithillien, the story would have a veeeeeeery different ending. (Gollum would likely be dead, and I can’t imagine he’d be inclined to just. let Frodo and Sam go free.)

I kind of view their relationship as a much less antagonistic version of Agravain and Gwalchmai from Gillian Bradshaw. (Agravain is more of a jerk than I can ever imagine Boromir being, and has a wicked temper). 

Also none of this is to say that I don’t think he’s not protective of his brother.

So a lot of words to say: I don’t think the Boromir and Faramir relationship is as uwu cinnamon roll as it seems in fandom. I think they loved each other, but I think Boromir did have a tendency to take what he wanted when he thought he deserved it and not give it a second thought, even when it was at the expense of his brother. Sure, he’d defend his brother night and day, but I expect him to be a bit of a jerk, be unaware of the extent of his behavior, and also see little wrong with it (the ring quest seems to have crossed a line, by the way he justifies it).

Still, they do love each other deeply and genuinely. It’s just a little more conflicted.

song i associate with them: Requiem, from Dear Evan Hanson. Not a particularly creative association (and I don’t associate him with Connor at all), but his death comes as such a shock at the beginning of TTT and brings with it so many mixed feelings due to both their relationship and the circumstances of his death. Nobody’s mourning is straightforward: not Frodo, or Denethor, or Faramir, or Aragorn, or Merry, or Pippin. His absense is woven throughout TTT and even RotK, in plot and in emotion and in theme.

favorite picture of them:

Don’t really have a favorite, but this one is nice.

The Sean Bean runners-up: one, two

[confused-as-all-hell]

Nesta Archeron

The world was beautiful, and she was so grateful to be in it. To be alive, to be here, to see this. She stuck out a hand over the railing, grazing a star as it shot past, and her fingers came away glowing with blue and green dust. She laughed, a sound of pure joy, and she cried more, because that joy was a miracle.

Nesta Archeron, fierce and bold and wonderful. The Kingslayer, a Queen of Queens, Lady Death. A girl who knew hatred by its true name, who slept with fear in her arms, who made mistakes and fucked up, and is still worthy of love.

Worthy of love.

Nesta is not by any shot perfect. She has made countless rude remarks and several poor choices. But she is portrayed as a flawed characters, and I adore her all the same. This post is not anti Nesta, but I am not blindly defending her mistakes, either. That being said...

For the first few chapters of ACOTAR, we see Nesta treating Feyre harshly, shaming her for having sex with Isaac Hale, remarking on the state of her body, insulting her scarce knowledge. She belittles her youngest sister constantly, makes her feel so awful that our sweet Feyre carries Nesta’s hatred with her everywhere. 

Is this okay, by any twisted means? No.

Nes was not incapable of opening her heart; she cared deeply for Elain, and it was said she would do anything for her. Elain is equally at fault here, if not more so, but this is not her post and I will write of her another time. So Nesta stood by while her littlest sister was sent to her death, her misery for none but herself. Nesta is under no obligation to fawn over Feyre, but I do think she might have been civil at the least. 

In the midst of ACOTAR, we learned Nesta had tried to seek Feyre, to save her from Prythian. That, no matter the bitter comments, Nesta went in the cold and icy and dark with a mercenary to try and find her sister. She left Thomas Mandry because she realized he would have not gone to Prythian. 

Nesta’s soft, warm heart makes it first appearance, a bit of light to wash away the memory of her hatred. Does it justify her actions? Absolutely not. But we do realize Nes cares more for her youngest sister that she ever let on, and that cannot count for nothing.

That gentleness never shows again, replaced in favour of a merciless tongue and sharp disdain. We see the Inner Circle attempt to make peace with Nesta.

Mor made her attempt, complimenting Nesta’s dress, and in turn, she was shamed for her own revealing clothing. To Mor, who was so often ridiculed for her “slutty” clothing, this would have hurt impossibly.

Rhysand tried at civility, making idle conversation, and he was shunned instantly.

Cassian teased and joked with her; this was his way of saying “I’m friendly, I won’t hurt you.” His smile was a ressurance. His laughter was a tether.

I’m not saying Nesta was supposed to instantly embrace the IC. I’m simply saying they tried with her; they extended their hands and love. You cannot blame them for being hurt at her constant hatred. 

In ACOSF, we see the return of cold, cruel, heartless Nesta. She is drinking herself into a stupor and going home with strangers every night; these are not bad things. Sex is healthy and fun, and drinking is fine so long as it’s done responsibly. But they’re awful coping methods.

As someone who fiercely loves Nesta and relates to her, it was truly good of Feyre to intervene. If my own little sister hadn’t involved herself in my trauma, I’m unsure if I would be alive today.

Was Nesta right to be angry? Yes.

Did I wish the IC had left her alone? No.

Nesta may have fucked up, but she learned for those mistakes. The very first time she admits she loves someone, it’s to Feyre. When given the choice to run, she stands her ground to protect fiery Gwyn and lovely Emerie. She makes her apologies to the Inner Circle, and while I agree she does not have much to be sorry for, if apologizing will bring her peace, she has every right to it.

I began as a Nesta anti, who hated her with my whole being. She claimed to be unlovable, people loved her anyways; I was jealous. I have always been proud and furious, and my family hated me for it. I, like Nesta did, do not believe myself to be worthy of kindness. It just never occured to me I might be able to forgive myself for my trauma. 

So while Nesta did some awful things, I can understand her. I can love her and hold her accountable. I can defend her and admit she was wrong. Being a Nesta stan means forgiving what Nes did to deal with her trauma, and it means adoring how far she’s come.

We can’t live off our hatred forever. Nesta made peace with her past. I think it’s time the fandom does the same.

Nesta Archeron is worthy of friendship and her younger sisters.

She is worthy of her mate, who will give her the world on a chain, or perhaps a bed.

She is worthy of kindness and happiness and respect.

She is worthy of love.

[unofficialadamtaurus]

This is going to be a touch rambly because it’s late and I’m typing this on my phone but I am very…iffy on the way a lot of people treat the concept of redemption in media. It comes up often in RWBY discussions largely because of the way RWBY treats its villains.

Let me explain.

In my head I call it the “threshold mentality.” Basically, once a character does X number of bad things or crosses X line, they have passed some supposed objective threshold of irredeemability and are now a lost cause. Whatever they might do in the future does not matter; neither a dramatic death nor a lifetime of making amends can give them redemption in the audience’s mind because the character has passed the threshold of Acceptable Villainy.

I personally can’t agree with that and I definitely can’t agree with those supposedly objective “checklists for redemption” that get tossed around as though redemption is something that has prerequisites. Life is messy. Shitty people do good things, good people do shitty things, but at no point does someone’s behavior preclude them from being able to change going forward. Does this mean I think the past doesn’t matter? Of course not. But I cannot prescribe wholesale what exact steps any character must take to address their history of hurt.

By the same token of “there is no point of no return,” there also isn’t a point of return. This might be why big heroic sacrifices from former antagonists (usually ending in their deaths) just leave me hanging. Like…that’s it? We’re not going to grapple with anything? It’s not always a flaw - and sometimes the aftermath just isn’t the focus of the story - but part of what makes redemption so fascinating to me is how it challenges people’s humanity, their morals, their most deeply-held beliefs when they have to interact with someone who opposed them so deeply. Even this discussion right here is challenging!

The central idea that I’m dancing around is that there is no way to objectively measure morality. It cannot be done. The threshold is different for every person who subscribes to that mentality, but, importantly, it is there.

So when Ironwood shoots Oscar, when he shoots the councilman, the threshold is, for many, met and exceeded. He is past saving, no further interrogation of his character needed. When Adam says “What about them?” or when he stabs Blake or even when he cuts off Yang’s arm when she attacks him, he’s beyond hope. All that’s left is to put him down.

And yes, by removing the concept of the threshold, no one is irredeemable. Not Cinder, not Emerald, not even Salem. Should those routes be taken, it is purely the responsibility of the creator to write redemption arcs in believable ways, which will never be anything but painfully subjective. People are still arguing about Zuko, after all. (Though Emerald…subjectively, to me, very poorly done.)

In sum: it’s easier to imagine there’s a line. It’s easier to see the bridges burned. It is easier, always, to turn away.

But it’s rarely as interesting.

Take the time to identify and interrogate at what point you decide something must be objectively bad. Ask yourself: what’s my threshold, and why does it exist?

[noona-clock]

The Demon 👿 Afraid

Genre: Parent!AU

Pairing: Jae x You (Female!Reader)

Warnings: Parental anxiety

Words: 1,604

Day and Night  👿 Zombie  👿 Tick Tock  👿 Love me or Leave me  👿 STOP  👿 1 to 10  👿 Afraid

Sometimes when I look at you beside me I think you’ve become unhappy due to my greed The you who said the sky was beautiful Are now walking looking only at the ground It’s like seeing me

You resemble the moon Illuminating the black sky But your light is becoming Overshadowed by my darkness

...Now that Jae was actually, literally, physically holding the baby -- his baby -- your baby -- your daughter in his arms, he realized just how incredibly terrified he was.

You had tried to warn him. For forty long weeks (and even before then), you had told him over and over how drastically your lives were going to change. How CRAZY big of a change having a baby was. How it was going to majorly affect everything.

He hadn’t quite believed you. He’d thought you were being just a bit dramatic, to be honest.

But now that your daughter was here, and now that he could look into her eyes...

Boy, were you right.

And, boy, was he afraid.

I mean, what had he been thinking?! Why had he ever thought bringing an actual human into this world was a good idea?! How could he ever be a good enough parent?!

Your daughter, your brand new baby daughter was so pure! So innocent!

And he... was not. He possessed so many fears and so many flaws; how exactly was he supposed to raise her to be a good person when he barely felt like he was one himself?

Yikes.

This was an existential crisis like he’d never experienced before.

Even in this moment when you look and smile at me The times before you knew me I won’t seem to make you happier than then I’m so afraid I’m so afraid That you’ll change like me I can neither let you go or hold on to you

Both you and your daughter were sleeping soundly, and now that night had fallen, the hospital seemed more empty than before. There were no nurses or doctors popping their head in to check up on you or the baby.

So... Jae was basically all alone.

He stared down at his daughter, his forehead deeply wrinkled as he took in her peaceful countenance. She breathed softly and evenly in his arms, her little limbs moving around every so often.

“Can’t you just... go back in?” he whispered, only half-joking. “Just for, like, another month or two?”

Things had been a lot easier when you had just been pregnant, and he felt like if he had just a bit more time to prepare...

Oh, who was he kidding? No amount of time in the world could have prepared him for this.

His daughter jolted awake then, her eyes blinking open and her tiny mouth stretching into a yawn.

Jae froze.

And then she began to whimper.

“Oh -- no, no, please --”

The whimper turned into a cry.

Before you could wake up, Jae stood from his chair and began to bob up and down like he’d seen all the new fathers in TV shows and movies do.

“Hey, hey,” he murmured as soothingly as he could. “It’s okay. Just go back to sleep.”

He wriggled one hand free and attempted to pull her blanket tighter around her in case she was cold. I mean, she probably was. She’d just spent forty whole weeks being nice and warm and cozy, and now she was out in the big, cold, cruel world.

Yet another reason for her to just go back in! She was probably much happier in there! Much warmer and away from all the scary, bad things happening in the Real World.

She finally settled back down, and as her eyelids started to flutter closed again, Jae leaned down to press a soft, relieved kiss to her forehead.

...Oh, boy.

She smelled amazing. And her skin was so soft.

Jae pulled his head back to look down at her again, and my god, how had he not seen just how adorable she was?

And... he helped create her. There was a part of him in that tiny little body. A piece of his soul, and... a piece of his heart.

Yes, he did still kind of want her to just go back in.

But now... he also wanted to never let her go.

What should I do You, who are hurting because of me What should I do Me, who would hurt without you

I’m so afraid I’m so afraid

Was this really what being a parent was like? One second, he was afraid and freaking out and asking himself why he’d ever wanted a baby in the first place. The next second, he was filled with so much indescribable love and pride and he knew he would die inside if anything bad happened to his child.

Okay, serious question: ...why did people do this?

Why did people put themselves through this torture? Willingly?! And why had nobody told him it would be like this?!

Jae heard a soft groan come from behind him, and he turned around carefully to see you shifting around in your hospital bed.

...Oh, yeah.

You had tried to tell him. He just hadn’t listened.

“Hey,” you murmured, your voice tired and groggy. “How is she?”

Jae shuffled over to your bed and perched on the edge of the mattress, tilting your daughter the tiniest bit so you could have a better look.

“She’s fine, she’s -- uh -- just sleeping,” he told you. “How are you?”

You reached up and touched her nose with your index finger, delicately tracing over her features as a soft smile grew on your lips.

“I’m exhausted and really, really sore,” you admitted. “But she’s perfect.”

Jae bit the inside of his cheek briefly before he said, “Yeah, about that. We... we got a little problem.”

You glanced up at him and raised your eyebrows. “What problem?”

“The problem is... if anything -- anything -- ever happens to this little girl, I don’t know what I’m gonna do.”

To his surprise, you responded to his statement with a laugh.

A laugh!

“I’m serious, man,” he urged.

“I know you are,” you said. “But... Jae, honey. Things are going to happen to her. She’s a human being, and her life is not going to be perfect all the time. She’ll get hurt. She’ll fall and scrape her knees and elbows. She might even break some bones. She’ll get into fights with her friends. She’ll get her heart broken. With your genes in her, she’ll probably get in trouble at school. And she’s going to cry, maybe even a lot.”

“Like her mom.”

“Like her mom,” you chuckled. “Or she could refuse to cry like her dad. We don’t know. ...But what we do know is we will be there for her.”

Jae nodded solemnly. “Yeah, absolutely. Always.”

The room was silent for a little, and then you gently nudged Jae’s side. As soon as he turned to look at you, you smirked at him. “See? I told you everything was going to change.”

Jae immediately scoffed and rolled his eyes before standing up to walk away from you. “Dude, be quiet.”

“I did, though!”

Even in this moment when you look and smile at me The times before you knew me I won’t seem to make you happier than then I’m so afraid I’m so afraid That you’ll change like me I can neither let you go or hold on to you

Jae took his daughter over to the window, the small sliver of moonlight just barely illuminating her serene face -- you were right, though. She was perfect.

“Hey, you,” he said, and to his slight surprise, his daughter opened her eyes and stared up at him. Jae stared right back, and even though she was literally a day old, he could’ve sworn she smiled at him. His own lips curved into a grin, and he continued. “I got something to tell you.”

Jae waited a few seconds.

“Are you listening?” he asked.

He waited another few seconds, and then he nodded as if she had just assured him she was.

“Good. Make a habit of that. Okay, so: I just met you yesterday, but I already love you. Like so much. You won’t even understand how much until you have a kid of your own -- in about forty years, all right? And you’re only allowed to get married, like, a year before that. But, anyway. I know you probably want to go back where you came from because it was nice and warm and you were all alone in there, and out here it’s super scary and your dad is crazy. Trust me, I wanted you to go back in there, too, for a little bit. But I promise you -- I promise I am going to try my best to make sure you’re happy. ...To be honest, your mom will probably do a better job than me --” Jae leaned in and whispered against her smooth forehead. “Because, don’t tell her, she’s a way better person than me.”

You didn’t say anything, but Jae knew if he turned around in this moment, you would be beaming.

“And I promise I’m gonna try not to pass on all my flaws to you. You’re going to be really good in school, and you’re going to remember everything, and you’ll always be really, really, really good about replying back to messages.”

Jae paused for a second, gulping down a lump of anxiety in his throat and allowing himself to simply look at his daughter. Take in every single thing about her right now because he knew everything was going to be changing so quickly, he wouldn’t be able to keep up.

“And... I promise that when the time comes to let you go -- let you be your own person and make your own decisions and live your own life... I will. I might pitch a fit about it, but... I’ll do it. Because I only want the best for you, and I’m not cocky enough to think I know best when it comes to everything. ...Just some things.”

Right now, it was pretty difficult to imagine that day actually arriving -- the day when your daughter would raise her eyebrows and purse her lips and put her hands on her hips and say “Dad, I know what I’m doing!” That day was so far into the future, and there was so much that had to happen before then.

But Jae knew it would get here in the blink of an eye.

And, boy, was he afraid.

[thedreadvampy]

look it's very simple most main cast tma characters (except possibly Basira and Sasha and MAYBE Tim) are reacting to not just supernatural trauma but clear, explicit childhood trauma and I think that's important to take into consideration.

Jon evidently came from a difficult place in the first place, and he was taught that he was an unwanted annoyance who'd derailed his grandma's life, that his intelligence was unpleasant, arrogant and inconvenient, and that the worst thing he could do was get in a grown-up's way. Of course he's bad at talking to people about his feelings. Of course he apologises for seemingly random things and tries to hide big problems and power through on his own. He had a really lonely childhood where he felt like an inconvenience, and now in adulthood it's deeply difficult to believe that anybody will help him and not hold it against him. Of course he comes across staid and aloof - he doesn't believe that anyone will like him if he isn't Doing Everything Right. It's so easy in that situation to worry so much about not being a burden that you freeze your friends out even as they can see you spiralling and you end up hurting them when in fact they'd be more than willing to offer help and get you out. It's why addiction is such an easy hole to fall in, because it feels like a way you can be self-sufficient and deal with your feelings without being a burden. Jon ISN'T a very closed off person naturally, he wants to reach out and be close to people, but he's been taught over and over (as many autistic children are) that he's too much, that he takes up too much space, that it's unfair for him to expect people to go out of their way to help him, so he boxes it away and shoves it down and turns to cigarettes, paranoia and denial in an attempt to manage the problem by himself. He's trying so hard to not be the Weird Kid, he's trying to play the part of what he thinks an archivist and a boss should be and blah his way through; he knows believing in weird shit opens the door to all sorts of stuff so he sticks his fingers in his ears and goes LALALA. he's deeply avoidant which ironically is why he often ends up diving in recklessly - it feels safe to only put yourself at risk (you who think you don't particularly matter, are unloved, and are an annoyance anyway) rather than wait and let others get involved and either judge you or get hurt. He didn't tell ANYONE that his encounter with Daisy had hurt him for SEVERAL YEARS because he didn't want to upset anyone. This speaks to me so much of a kid who growing up was always treated as underfoot, in the way, abnormal and with emotions and problems that weren't nearly as significant as the Important Grownup Things. I don't think anyone knew how to help 5 year old Jon with navigating his parents' deaths, and his grandmother's grief at losing her child probably made it very hard for them to connect whether or not she actually resented him the way he thinks she did. He was treated with bitterness and coldness his whole childhood, and he's never been given space to be angry about that because she was doing her best and dealing with a difficult situation, but it certainly left him with an expectation that trying to turn to anyone for emotional help and support will get you in trouble AND is unfair on them. Being with Martin, and indeed all his friendships and relationships, is hard to navigate when you've been taught for so long that exposing your vulnerability will get you yelled at or will upset people. You try to harden up and develop an exoskeleton but you're so chronically soft and in need of help and love so it spills out messy and you don't know how to take the walls down or build better ones up.

Martin's obvious, because his parental abuse is at the centre of his arc and is explicitly spelled out by Elias. He's so sure it's something he's done that's made his dad leave and his mum despise him, and he's hoping against desperate hope that if he can be Good Enough, little enough of a problem, helpful and invaluable, he can make up for whatever chronic flaw in his personality makes him unlovable. Of course he ISN'T unlovable, and none of his parent's treatment of him is his fault, but it's much safer to believe it's your fault and you can change it than it is to believe people who are meant to love you can just not hold up their end of the bargain for reasons totally outside your control. Much like with Jon, Martin has been taught to believe that he's a Problem - where Jon puts up walls and tries to be aggressively separate, Martin tries as hard as he can to prove himself Useful and Valuable while walling off an excess of humanity. Honestly though Martin's coping with it better than Jon throughout the series because he knows what it is and he's TRYING to push past the impulse to Not Be A Bother and actually let people love him. But he's still seeing the world through the lens of someone who's spent his whole life believing that the only way he'll deserve love is to become invaluable, to be useful, to be caring, to be needed, to be all give and no take, and that's not sustainable. And how much must it knock him back from trusting enough to ask for help when his boss (leave aside the love interest bit) talks about him like he's a buffoon and a waste of space however hard he's trying to be helpful and valuable, just like his mum has for years? Finding out that you matter enough to that person for him to risk his life to save you, and to really truly see you, goes a long way towards showing you that you're not always right to assume that people are lying when they say nice things about you and honest when they say cruel things about you - sometimes you are genuinely loved by people who ALSO see you as flawed. and while obviously after that the circumstances are very different I think we've seen Martin become more comfortable with his own tendency to acidity and sarcasm, anger and messy feelings, around not just Jon but in general (although also I can't talk about this without as usual observing how weird it is that people read Martin as sweet, servile and wimpy when he's consistently tough, sarcastic and brave AS WELL AS deeply lacking in confidence, afraid of conflict, emotionally giving, and terminally people-pleasing. He's right when he repeatedly says people underestimate him and don't see him - it's weird that the fandom is a big culprit of that)

Speaking of characters whose trauma responses are often overlooked, Melanie doesn't talk much about her pre-statement life but she's clear that it hasn't been good, and that other than her dad she's had nobody in the world she can trust. I am positive that her childhood was marked by parental abuse/neglect to at least a certain degree, because she was willing to kill her mum/let her die without much compunction (I THINK that's the implication of Elias' line about her mum's life insurance paying for her dad's care). To me (projecting), Melanie's fear of losing control of her own anger speaks to somebody who grew up in a volatile and probably physically violent home, and I suspect her mother was struggling to cope and lashing out at Melanie and her dad. (I also think that while it's unlikely to be made explicit because Jonny generally shies away from talking it writing about sexual abuse, that it's very probable that Melanie experienced adolescent sex abuse from some source and wasn't protected or supported. That's pure conjecture though based on how she acts.) I think she's definitely had issues with everyone in her family except her dad when it comes to her sexuality and that she's been largely estranged for a long time, and I think those are the kinds of things which, coupled with abuse and sidelining in adulthood, leave you with a lot of rage and nowhere to put it, and with a huge amount of difficulty trusting people. Undeniably, Melanie has been on the sharp end of other people's violent anger often enough to be really, really wary of ever giving her own anger free rein, or losing control of herself.

We don't know much about Daisy's childhood beyond what happened with Calvin (Pretty Damn Traumatic), but I think what I find interesting about Daisy is that she's definitely someone who, like many girls, struggled with that point in childhood where you're supposed to Stop Liking Boy (Fun) Things and Become A Girl. I think it's safe to say that Daisy was fairly subject to bullying and alienation in primary school, and I think people often overlook how badly that affects you your whole life. But also to be severely injured and traumatised, to tell people what happened, and to not be believed? That leaves marks. Marks that teach you that you can't trust that justice will be served, and you have to take the law into your own hands. I think there's also a lot of the Gendered Traumas happening around Daisy - she clearly has a conflicted relationship with femininity - but that's another post.

[winchestermendesgirl]

Supernatural’s Legacy: The Trauma of Silence

Understanding the unique grief of Supernatural fans, and the power of stories to liberate and to punish. [Warning: spoilers for season fifteen of Supernatural]

(By Deirdre-t on Buzzfeed)

In the wake of Supernatural’s controversially underwhelming finale last Thursday, many fans are left adrift, angry, and deeply hurt. They are left grappling with an ending that blindsided them, not only leaving the traumatic death of a canonically queer lead emotionally unresolved but going so far as to scrub the character and all evidence of the decade-built queer romantic plot from the finale, mere episodes after a celebrated and victorious on-screen love confession between Castiel and Dean Winchester.

They were given a shell of a finale that saw all suggestion of queerness removed, all sense of heart and chosen family eliminated. Even the relationship between Sam and Eileen, too deeply tied to the themes of the queer love story, was dropped, dealing the added blow of abandoning a disabled character in favor of a random, unidentified partner for Sam.

Fans are, to put it simply, devastated.

And through all of their reactions, as people are processing their disappointment, grief, and rug-pulling confusion, one accusation stings so very clearly and pointedly for queer fans:

You’re just mad because you didn’t get your ship.

No.

The legacy of Supernatural and its finale’s impact goes so much deeper than fans of Dean and Castiel’s pairing not getting their way. This isn’t about a ship.

This is about stories, and the intricate ways in which they become part of us and our world– the ways our lives and struggles are reflected, subverted, and reinforced.

This is about a story and characters that people deeply connected with, a story that people let into their hearts and souls, devoted their time and love to because they saw themselves in it and had faith that they might be worth something to it in return. They had faith that once, just once, they would get what they deserve in this world, that they would see themselves treated with dignity, respect, and love. They had faith that the story being told would be finished, that the emotional catharsis and resolution they had waited fifteen years for– the resolution that so many have been denied in their own lives– would be granted. It was not.

And not only did Supernatural deny this resolution, it actively regressed every moment of growth that led to it. It spat in the face of its own themes: found family, choice, unconquerable love, self-determination and acceptance, freedom from the seemingly insurmountable obstacles that seek to control and suppress us. Themes that people connected with because they are real to them. Themes whose treatment impacts them. Whose reflections on their lives are tangible.

Whether it was the writers or the suits, creatives or executives ultimately responsible, Supernatural gutted this journey and took characters who were stand-ins for vulnerable people and denied them their truth and closure. They set up clear, beautiful, meaningful endings– I would go so far to say the narrative promised them– and they burned it all down. Unapologetically, cruelly, and yes, homophobically.

This affects people’s lives. This is real.

The treatment of Castiel, Dean, and their love story, and the ultimate messages of their endings, are unconscionable.

Castiel is a stand-in for viewers suffering from depression, PTSD, self-worth issues, isolation, alienation. His story is about breaking free from abusive and controlling circumstances and building a family who loves you and chooses you for who you are, and learning to believe in that love. His arc is about feeling unloved and unworthy, feeling like no one around you could possibly want you for who you are and sacrificing your own wants and needs to earn the small bit of space you dare to take up. Believing this all your life and slowly learning that it isn’t true. Learning that you are wanted, that you have worth, inherently, just by being you.

Castiel’s story built to a point where he specifically needed to hear this from Dean. From the one person who he chose, whose love was quite literally the foundational starting point of his journey to autonomy and self-acceptance. The narrative demanded this in order for Castiel to finally believe in and live his whole truth, in order to reach the end of his arc. It set up a simple need: someone who has never understood the love they have been given, the love they deserve, must be told that they have it and deserve it.

Instead, not only was this journey to accepted, reciprocated love and ultimate self-actualization left unfinished, its ending point on screen was a premature and self-sacrificial death. This is Supernatural, so I am not talking about death in the sense that it is innately bad, because more often than not in the show it is transformative, transcendent. I am talking about the death of his character in the sense that he truly and permanently is not allowed to experience another moment of growth. That he is punished by the story for expressing his truth, that his journey toward internal and external love and worth ultimately leads to him giving himself and that love up, and this is never meaningfully subverted.

Castiel dies by finally letting himself speak his truth– by allowing a moment of actualization that is never rewarded with experiencing the thing he has finally let himself admit he wants. That is never rewarded with actually experiencing the acceptance, love, and reciprocal choice that we have spent over a decade waiting for with him. Castiel, our stand-in character for overcoming depression, alienation, and self-hatred, confesses that he is in love with a man and is so filled with the happiness of this love, so fully actualized in his identity– his love, his queerness, his acceptance of self– that it kills him.

His depression personified consumes him in the vulnerability of his happiness, and he is never heard from in a meaningful way again. His journey is utterly unacknowledged emotionally by the family who he was journeying to, by the man whose love he died for. His intrinsically queer story ends with that queerness literally killing him. Because taking this power for yourself, taking control of your life and claiming love as your own, must be punished.

This could all have had meaning. It was supposed to. This was set up to be subverted, the dark before the dawn, with Cas’s actualization honored by a confirmation of reciprocal love (be it romantic, familial, platonic, whatever, his arc is utterly unfinished without this) and a peaceful eternity spent as a fully realized soul. The consumption of the shadow subverted by integration with it, by wholeness and love consuming it in return. Instead, he is left off screen, given an offhand mention of an unexplored move to heaven, and is never shown to experience any sort of love or reciprocity from the family he built or the man he loves again. The message, in the end, is clear, no matter what the original intention was. Speak your truth, and it will silence you. Live your truth, and it will punish you.

Dean, too, is silenced and buried by his ending. Like Cas, Dean’s character is a stand-in for people suffering from trauma and abuse, for people who have had their personhood diminished and sacrificed by their families and circumstances, for those who have been harmed and pushed aside by the very people in their lives who are supposed to love and protect them. Dean’s story is about learning to overcome the limitations placed on you by others’ expectations, learning to value your own wants, needs, and dreams when you’ve been told your whole life they don’t matter. It’s about letting go of the toxicity that a cruel world will imprint upon your soul– distilling yourself and your truth from the darkness that corrupts you when you’ve experienced the world and all of its ugliness, when you have had insurmountable pain inflicted on you and have dealt that pain back in return.

His story is about learning that you can love and be loved, and that this love does not have to come at the expense of your autonomy or identity. It’s about accepting that you are not your worst moments, you are not your flaws; that there is someone within you who is worthy of forgiveness and life, who is inherently good.

Dean’s arc was built to a point where speaking his truth and choosing to live it were integral to its resolution. And this truth could only be one thing, the narrative demanded one specific ending that would do this for him. This truth was that he loved Castiel, that he wanted to be with him. This truth fundamentally symbolized Dean finally taking control of his life and choosing the one person who had always chosen him in return, whose love reflected and rewarded every aspect of Dean’s growth and journey to selfhood.

Speaking this truth to Castiel, to the person who loved him for exactly who he was, who always saw his light even through the darkest moments of his soul, the person whose love is established as the only thing that ever truly grew outside of God’s control– the only thing that was REAL– was fundamental to Dean finally accepting his own goodness and the value of his love, of his identity, and breaking free of the structure that had controlled and corrupted him his entire life to experience something of his own. Dean loving Castiel in return is how he could finally love himself, because this love at its core symbolizes freedom, truth, forgiveness, choice, and the overwhelming power of the soul.

But Dean never gets to experience this. Dean is never freed.

In the end, Dean learns that Castiel loves him and has always seen his true self, and then he never gets to live that truth. He goes right back to the life he has spent his whole journey learning to free himself from: Daddy’s little soldier, marching orders straight from his book, with only his brother by his side. Left only with the person he had been forced, time and time again, to sacrifice his identity, goals, and soul for. None of the family, support, or love, nothing he has built or chosen for himself remains.

And this man who has been told all his life that he isn’t good for anything more than a violent death on a random hunt, alone and afraid and dirty and only worth the body he can throw on the sword, dies exactly in that way. His body burns, alone, only his brother there to watch the smoke curl from his pyre.

Dean’s death, like Castiel’s, did not have to be an inherently bad thing. The story had very clearly built to a choice in this matter: a choice on how to spend the rest of his life and who to do it with. If this choice had involved passing on from this world to the next, in the context of choosing a life in whatever plane he moved to, it wouldn’t have mattered whether that life was mortal or eternal, on earth or in heaven, dead or alive. But that is not what happened. Dean didn’t choose to move on. He fought for decades to learn that what he wanted mattered, that his soul and identity were worth something, that his choices were real. And in the end, he is taken from his life randomly and violently, with absolutely nothing left to show for it. No choice, no act of the soul, no meaning.

And even after he gets to heaven, to his eternal reward, it is devoid of his heart and empty of any choice he had or would have made for himself. He does not seek out any of the people taken from him, he does not go to the man who confessed his undying love for him and sacrificed himself to save him, he does not start building the life that he never got to experience on earth. He doesn’t experience a single moment of actualization or make any choice besides getting in his car and driving aimlessly. He drives and drives to the end, to Sam, existing solely for his brother even in death. No choice, no soul, no meaning.

Dean died because his truth could not be spoken. He was punished by the story, by our world, because his only true ending would have been to love and be loved by another man. His only true ending would have been to fully experience his own identity and choice, and to live a new life surrounded by the things he built with his soul and the people who loved him for it. The message, again, is clear. Dare to seek your truth, and it will be taken.

The love between Dean and Cas was never just something people wanted to see because it was gay, or cute, or whatever people try to reduce it to in order to delegitimize queer stories and their power. The love between Dean and Cas was so deeply tied to each character’s journey, so fundamental to the resolution of each individual’s struggle and growth, so essential to the core themes and emotional substance of the narrative at large, that removing it from the ending caused the entire story to collapse. Failing to resolve it rendered their pain, sacrifice, love, choice– rendered the soul of the story– moot.

So no, people are not just upset that their ship didn’t get to kiss. People are upset that its removal functionally destroyed the story they love, and that the characters they so deeply identify with never got the endings they had built toward for so very long. That they, as viewers, never got to experience the moments of catharsis, acceptance, joy, and peace demanded by what they’ve gone through over the last fifteen years.

People are upset that pieces of their own souls, the pain and love that they identified with so personally and meaningfully, were burned with it. Yes, this is about queerness being fundamentally integrated into the story and its themes, and then being removed cruelly and hopelessly; it is about the painful message for every queer person watching that in the end, the world does not love you or even acknowledge you back. That you do not matter to it, no matter how convincingly it tries to pretend otherwise.

But this is also about our broader identities and struggles– feeling alone and scared, feeling alienated and othered, struggling with depression and trauma, losing autonomy, fearing and hating your flaws, feeling trapped or unloved or toxic or unworthy– it’s about these deeply vulnerable aspects of the self that people let this story connect to. That people found comfort and value in seeing reflected, validated, and overcome. It’s about the deeply traumatizing experience of something you love, something you have found yourself in, turning around and telling you none of it mattered.

The trauma of knowing that this will fuel the very hate, injustice, and devastating indifference that we live in spite of each day. Knowing that our love can make us as vulnerable as it makes us strong, and that this vulnerability has been and will be used against us whether it is in a story or our world.

People are in pain. People are grieving.

They are grieving a story that meant the world to them, they are grieving characters who never got to live their truths or experience their peace, they are grieving the parts of themselves that they saw in them. They are grieving the people they used to be, in those moments when they let themselves believe that they could finally have this– the innocence and authenticity in believing that their stories mattered. In believing that years of waiting, of dedication and faith, of real-life pain and struggle, were about to be honored with a simple act of love that they have been denied over and over again in their stories and their lives.

This is not about a ship. This is about us. This is about the power of our stories, and the pain of their suppression. It always has been.

[disclaimer: this was not written by me. It was written by Deirdre-t on Buzzfeed. I just needed to share this because it’s perfect and I don’t know what to do with myself]

[bookish-bi-mormon]

I just read “a Letter to Tumblrstake” and I wanted to make a response of sorts, especially because I think one of my posts (specifically my reaction to Elder Rasband’s talk) was cited among their criticism. 

Firstly, I want to say that I’m genuinely sorry that this person feels the need to leave Tumblrstake and Tumblr in general, it saddens me that they aren’t finding the sense of community that they probably were looking for. And yes, I acknowledge that some of the things that end up getting posted in the tumblrstake tag, and things we saying during conference could come across rather ... mean spirited, perhaps. 

I remember a time when the Mormon community on Tumblr felt like an extremely polarized place. It seemed to me that there was a clear divide between tumblrstake and queerstake, the latter being filled with mostly bitter and hurt people with rocky relationship with the church. Recently it feels more like we’ve melded, and we have less qualms about posting our criticism of church culture and leaders in the general tags for all members to see. Perhaps this is inconsiderate of us, perhaps we should reinstate the divide so as not to cause unnecessary doubt and inner turmoil for those whose testimonies of the Church as an institution remain intact. 

I will say I do not know the poster of this letter to which I am responding, nor their personal struggles and relationship with the church. For all I know their path has been rockier than mine, but I am doing my best to respond to some of the things they said. 

I am personally very grateful for what Tumblrstake has become. I feel like, rather than having a faction of faithful members and a separate faction of struggling members, we are all struggling together in faith. I made a commitment to myself when I got back from my mission last year that, whatever I did I would do it authentically, and that is what I’m trying to do. So, when I see something in a church setting that doesn’t sit right with me, I point it out. And when I feel the spirit testifying of truth I rejoice in it and share it. I want my religious practice to be filled with both the good and the bad of what I see, rather than closing my eyes to the faults of the institution that is supposed to be helping me come closer to Christ.

And the writer of the letter was right, when viewed through the lens of the spirit every single one of those talks in the first session has important merit. Yes, even Elder Oak’s talk (I believe. In the interest of honesty I will tell you that I skipped it because I was watching it with a queer person and it was their first time watching conference and I didn’t want to risk them being hurt the way I have been for years). However I think they were also somewhat lacking, and I don’t think that pointing out things I wish were addressed diminishes anything. Yes, I was upset with a portion of Ronald A Rasband’s talk. I don’t like the way temple recommends are often discussed in conference. But that doesn’t mean I thought the whole thing was uninspired. Perhaps I should have said more praiseworthy things about his talk after my criticism to make my feelings clear. 

I just wish the writer of this letter had waited until after the second session. The responses to those talks on here were largely positive, and I felt the spirit deeply. I love General Conference, but having a place where I can be honest about it’s flaws has been crucial to me as I struggle to find my place in the church. Tumblrstake is honestly one of the only places where I feel I can be fully honest about how I feel about God and the church and I am sorry if that makes others feel uncomfortable, but there may be another place where they will feel at home. There isn’t for me.