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krystal-sylph · 4 years ago

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Marble Hornets - Hoody x Reader

So yes, I saw another author do something similar to this in their book on Quotev, and I liked the idea so I thought I'd try it out. This isn't canon whatsoever, it barely has anything to do with the actual story considering it takes place after Entry #87, and everyone is either already dead or gone. It's basically a 'what if' scenario that makes almost zero sense if you look at it from the eye of a critic. Don't judge too harshly! I made it when I was bored and in need of inspiration considering it's been weeks since I last updated this book. I'll give you more details about what I was thinking during this one-shot down at the bottom of the page.

Warnings: Mentions of death

You were walking steadily through the dead trees of what you assumed to be Rosswood Park, completely lost but also not really trying to find your way out. Why would you? You had nothing to go back to. All of your friends were either dead or missing, and your family... well, let's just say your family didn't exactly want you with them, which is why you stuck so closely to Jay, and Tim, and the others. But now you had nobody to stick close to. They were all gone.

The last thing you remembered was helping Tim fight off Alex in the old high school, then when Alex had been killed, you passed out and somehow woke up in Rosswood. More whacky teleportation, probably. Either that or you were sleep-walking, which wouldn't really surprise you considering everything you've done the past few years.

You also managed to unmask that hooded figure and were more than astonished when you saw Brian, your boyfriend that had gone missing all the way back in 2009 and was the whole reason you got involved with Jay and this mystery in the first place. You weren't sure how to react, you felt a rush of relief, shock, and anger all at the same time. He wouldn't wake up, of course he wouldn't. He had just fallen from a fifteen-foot window and landed on concrete. He was dead, and you knew that, but a part of you didn't want to accept it.

You hadn't got a lot of time to try and get him medical attention, for the Operator once again showed up and ran you and Tim off, then Alex got in the way, and well, here you were. Thankfully, you had woken up with your phone, but it was quickly losing battery so you tried calling Tim one, two, three, four times. He never answered, which lead you to believe that he, too, was gone. That left you all alone, stranded in the woods, with no one to turn to. Nobody to live for.

It felt bad enough not knowing where Brian had been all of this time, and you started believing that he was actually dead, no matter how much you denied it. But then finding out that he had been alive through the whole thing, and was watching you, well aware of how frantic you were over his disappearance, and had plenty of chances to reveal himself to you but never did? It hurt. And it made you mad. How could he do such a thing? It felt like the ultimate betrayal, and it really was in a way. If he was trying to protect you he was doing a poor job of it.

But now he was gone, and for good. You saw proof. You saw his motionless body more than once, and it made you want to rip your heart out of your chest and throw it to the floor. And you would have, had he not already done it for you. Losing him not once, but twice? You were already experiencing the pain from Jay's death, but discovering that your boyfriend had also died? Indescribable grief is what you felt. Your heart ached, your mind throbbed, the tears wouldn't even come to your eyes anymore. You had cried them all out.

You truly had nobody. Your feet scraped across the dirt and pebbles beneath as you continued wandering aimlessly through the forest. Where were you going? You couldn't even bring yourself to care. Your stomach rumbled, your throat was dry from dehydration. How long had you even been out here? At least two days. It was cool out, but not dreadfully so, being only June. The oversized hoodie Brian had let you have prior to all of this chaos was keeping you plenty warm, however, it only made you even more depressed. This was the last thing that was left of him. You would die in it for all you cared because you sure wouldn't be taking it off.

If you got close enough, you could still smell his scent, if only faintly. It brought you a sense of dread, but hopeless joy as well. You couldn't quite explain it. The Operator, or whatever that thing was, hadn't messed with you at all. Why? Who knew. Maybe it moved on to someone weaker to pursue, seeing as how its original victims were long gone. Or maybe it just slunk back into its weird underworld, its Own Zone, or whatever. Just as long as it left you the heck alone. You were not in the mood to be played with. After all, it was the cause of all of this. It's the reason your boyfriend was dead, the reason Alex went crazy, the reason everyone was so unstable. The reason that everyone you ever loved, who ever loved you, was gone.

It was extremely difficult to process. How could any of this have happened? You were just a normal girl with a normal life, with normal friends, with a normal boyfriend. At least, most of your friends were normal. Turns out Tim was the one that it attached itself to first. He was patient zero, in a way, but you stopped blaming him long ago. It wasn't his fault. Yes, he should have told you and Jay sooner, but what would be the point in being angry at him now? He was inevitably deceased, too.

You missed Jay, Tim, even Alex, as much of a jerk as he had been. You missed your other friends, but most of all you missed Brian. He was the one that had been with you when personal problems wouldn't stop messing up your life, he was the one that stuck by your side the whole time. He had been the epitome of a loyal and perfect boyfriend, and to find out he had kept the fact that he was stalking you and Jay for who-knows how long a total secret? It was disappointing. But what were you going to do, now? He was gone, it didn't even matter, anymore.

You kept your gaze trailed on the ground as you took weak steps through the trees, stuffing your hands into the pocket of the hoodie and not thinking about anything in particular. There was no doubt in your mind that Brian had been trying to do what he thought was best for you, as he likely thought that revealing himself after so long would put you in danger. But you were already in danger. Maybe he was afraid of what your reaction would be. Good, he should've been, because you would have been furious. You still were furious. You trusted him. You spent five years looking for him, worried sick about him, and he was watching you the whole time? Watching you suffer? Not doing anything about it?

Sure, Totheark was one thing, as he made it abundantly clear that he was trying to point you and Jay in the right direction several times, along with the masked figure, who was Tim, and another unknown person who had never been revealed, but it had also seemed like he was taunting you sometimes. Had he really changed that much? Did he just not care? You know that you had changed in major ways since the investigation started, but you had never stopped caring about your friends. About Brian. In fact, your love for them is what spurred you on. It was the only reason you got involved, to start with. Because you wanted them to be safe. You wanted him to be safe.

And he practically just spat all of your hard work back in your face. Understandably, you were vexed, but the sorrow topped the anger. It didn't matter if you kicked a tree. It didn't matter if you screamed. It didn't matter if you cursed your screwed-up life, cried about your losses, or just downright died because of it all. Everyone you loved had been taken from you. Why were you the one survivor? Why couldn't it have been someone stronger, someone who deserved it? Someone like Jay? You had been briefly acquainted with him thanks to him knowing Alex, but when all of this chaos took place, the two of you got exceedingly closer.

You had been there for each other, through all of it. He was probably the one person you trusted most in this world because even though he was stressed, likely more than you were, he never lost that aspect that made him, well, him. He never let the Operator get into his head to the point of it changing who he was. Sure, the past few months he had been easily irritable, but you were, too. And the both of you had become pretty paranoid, but who wouldn't in that situation? The point is, you two stuck together. That's what got you through everything, your friendship. He was the only one you could truly count on.

And what happened to him? He was brutally ripped from your life, all thanks to Alex. All thanks to the Operator. And you didn't even get to say goodbye. He was just gone, and right behind him was Brian, then Alex, and now Tim. Every single person whom you ever cared for, now dead. Never to be seen, again. You had nobody else to try and protect, nothing else to do. You didn't have another reason to continue fighting. You didn't even want to find the way out of this park. You had nowhere to go that wouldn't bring back loads of painful memories.

So you figured, you would wander around until you eventually just dropped dead. Is it possible to die from mental agony alone? If so, that would surely be what took you out, if lack of water and food didn't do it first. A gust of cool breeze swept through your tangled hair and, for a moment, you felt more human. It merely lasted a moment, but it still felt nice. What drew your attention was a sudden snap of a twig, and you jerked your head to the side, a bit startled by the noise. You saw nothing hiding behind the trees, then again it wouldn't be the first time you failed to see when somebody was watching you. But all of those people are gone, at least the ones you knew about.

So what if you were being recorded right now? It wouldn't surprise you. You didn't even care. You just wanted the pain to stop. Besides, it was probably only a squirrel or some other harmless woodland creature minding its own business. No need to worry about it. A disconsolate sigh escaped from between your lips and your gaze once again averted down, eyelids beginning to feel heavy. When was the last time you actually had a solid night's sleep? How long had it been since you weren't plagued with terrible nightmares, or an ever-present fear of being killed, or endless worrying about your missing friends?

It had to have been in 2010, right? That was when everything began getting more complicated than you could have ever imagined. If you had a second chance, would you have just brushed Brian's disappearance aside and gone on with your life as if nothing had ever happened? Would you have been able to ignore it all and avoid the inevitable trouble you'd get into? The answer you came to is no, probably not. Brian meant too much to you. There would be no way to simply move on without digging at least a little in an effort to get to the bottom of what happened.

Your head snapped up again when you heard yet another sound, this time it seemed as if a small rock had been crushed farther into the dirt, and right in front of you. What you saw made you gasp and stumble back from surprise alone, your foot catching on a root and making you fall on your back. You gaped up at the figure standing only three feet away from you, trying to comprehend how exactly this could have been possible. It isn't possible. Right? No. No, it isn't. So how was it happening?

He tilted his head to the side slightly, as if confused why you were reacting the way you were. Oh, gee, I wonder. It isn't exactly normal to see somebody who died standing directly in front of a person. You didn't speak, not for a few minutes, anyway, and neither did he. The nerve. You'd think he'd at least have the decency to say, "hi, I've risen from the grave, wanna go get a coffee?".

But nope. Not a word. Your eyebrows furrowed as you finally came to a reasonable and most likely conclusion. It was a hallucination. He was a hallucination. A mere image your mind created to deal with your grief. What else would it be? Real? Absolutely not. There was no way, it was only your imagination playing cruel tricks on you. "Go away," you muttered, voice scratchy due to not speaking nor having anything to drink. He didn't listen, he only continued to stare down at you, though you couldn't sense any type of malice, irritation, or even sympathy emanate from off of him. In fact, he seemed almost... curious.

You sent him a glare, trying to keep your composure and act as if seeing him didn't make you want to break down into tears for the hundredth time and wish that he was still here with you. But he wasn't, this was only your mind playing games with you. And you were sick of it already.

"I said, go away." Slowly, you pushed yourself to your feet, not taking your eyes off of the hooded man in front of you, and when he still wouldn't listen, you hardened your voice. "I don't need you here." He waited a moment before taking a step forward, indicating he still refused to get out of your head. What could you have done in this situation? It isn't easy escaping your memories, even though the only thing you wanted to do was escape them. This one, in particular.

His hands were dangling by his sides casually and his ski mask did everything to conceal his face and any emotion that may have been in it, which was the point of it, you supposed. And you were inwardly thanking your mind for coming up with an image of what Jay's followers on Twitter dubbed 'Hoody', instead of what you absolutely did not want to see, which was Brian. Not the hooded figure, just Brian. Your boyfriend. Or late boyfriend, now.

You let out a resentful growl, scooped up a small rock from the ground, and lobbed it at the hallucination, hoping that once it went through him that he would disappear and leave you alone. This was too much to take for your vulnerable, broken state right now, and you just wanted it to stop. However, something happened that you most certainly did not expect. The rock, instead of flying right through him as it should have, hit him below the shoulder with a soft thud before bouncing off and landing on the dirt, once again.

Not only did it hit him as if he were an actual, physical being, but he flinched back at the sharp impact and craned his neck down to look at the rock that had just been thrown at him, then focused his vision back on you, the girl standing with wide eyes and a confused expression clear on her features as her body went rigid. What was that? Plainly, you were losing your marbles in more ways than one. Hallucinations aren't real things, they're in the mind and in the mind only. So how did he, a hallucination, block the path of a rock, a very real, very concrete item, to the point it couldn't only be heard when it hit him, but it bounced off of him?

Still, he didn't say anything, and the silence around you, save for the tweets of birds and rustling of leaves, nearly made you crazy. Why were you doing this to yourself? Surely you had suffered enough, already. Why couldn't he just go away? You clenched your fists, in anger or as a way to gather your bearings, you weren't sure, and bit the inside of your cheek. What were you supposed to say? This couldn't be real; Brian was dead. It would be impossible for him to be here with you. Unless there was somebody pranking you to get some kind of reaction out of you. That would be the only logical explanation.

"This isn't funny," you snapped, shooting daggers at the person still ahead of you. "Get out of here before I make you." With that, you stomped around him, making sure to keep your distance as you continued on your way, trying to forget about him. You shook your head in disbelief. How dare somebody play with your emotions like that. But how would anybody know where you were? How would somebody get an outfit exactly like Br... like him? Unless they stole it off of his dead corpse, which is a thought you really didn't want to consider too much.

Who would ever prank you in such a way? Who would find you all the way out here? You couldn't be tracked—your phone had died after the first couple of hours you had been out here, and even so, you had ended up throwing it into the brush of the woods miles back. You figured that you'd never need to use it, again, since you planned on just dying deep in the forest soon. And they couldn't have followed you, not for so long without you noticing. The more you thought about it, the more it just didn't make sense. Everyone that had been keeping tabs on your and Jay's story likely thought you were already dead, so it couldn't have been one of them.

Your train of thoughts was derailed when you heard, what sounded like a leaf crunching behind you, and hesitantly looked back, seeing just what you expected to find; the same hooded figure, tailing you, though not to the point of it invading personal space. You didn't care though. It was disconcerting, especially since you had just disproved your theory about it being a prankster. This wasn't a prank, everyone who knew about you was dead. That should have included Brian, and you thought it did. Could you have been wrong...?

No. No, he was dead. So maybe it was just an extremely vivid hallucination after all? Then how did a rock bounce off of him? Could you have imagined the rock? No, the rock was real. He was not. It was beginning to get darker, you could tell by the way the sun fell past the trees and the sky faded into a deeper shade of blue. The cicadas began to chirp persistently, and in only a few minutes your eyes would once again have to get adjusted to the change in lighting.

Exasperation grew within your chest, as well as a flaming desire to get rid of him, and you spun fully around until you were looking directly below the red eyes that were painted onto his mask, where you assumed his actual eyes to be. An indignant huff left your mouth and you took a step forward, fixating on him with a threatening scowl and talking between your teeth.

"Go away." Your tone left no room for argument as the sentence slowly came out, but still, he stood there. Not a word came from behind the mask, he just stayed still. Staring at you. A move that finally made all of your anger rise to the surface, and you didn't even try to contain it. You just wanted him gone. "Leave. Me. Alone!"

In one quick movement, you took another step forward, stretched your arms out, and with all the force you could muster up, pushed him backward. It must have taken him off-guard because he did nothing to stop you, nor could he catch his balance before he tumbled to the ground with a thump. You sucked in a sharp breath, trying to calm your racing heart. You didn't expect to touch him. You didn't think there was anything to touch. But you could feel him, and clearly, he felt you, too. You blinked down at him with puzzlement, unable to fight the tears any longer.

You couldn't handle this. It was too much, it was just too much. You only managed to take two steps back before your legs became jelly and collapsed beneath you, sending you falling to the ground on your knees. You didn't mind it, not right now. You just had to compose yourself enough to get away. But something in your mind told you that wouldn't be very easy.

You allowed your hair to fall in front of your face as you tilted your head toward the ground below your trembling frame, screwing your eyes shut in an effort to stop the constant flow of tears from cascading down your cheeks. That's odd, you were sure that there were no more tears left to cry. Perhaps your body was saving them for this moment because it knew that it was going to torment you even moreso than it had, already. When would it all end? Until you died, probably. Quiet whimpers exited your mouth, you didn't bother trying to stop them. There wouldn't be a point. You were alone, anyway, no matter how much your mind wanted to convince you otherwise.

"Please go away..." The sentence came out as no more than a pained whisper as you hugged yourself, trying to come to terms with everything. It was bad enough that he died right in front of your very eyes, but now your mind was taunting you by making you think he was actually here? You could hear the faint sound of pebbles being displaced as if someone was drawing closer, and sniffed. "I love you too much. I miss you too much. Please, just... just leave me alone." Your voice cracked, though it wasn't extremely noticeable thanks to how low it became.

After a minute, you thought that your ears picked up muffled, gentle breathing, and you knew for a fact it wasn't you. Finally opening your eyes, you slowly leaned your head up, a bit surprised to see him not only in front of you but on his knees looking at you through his black and red mask. He was mere inches away from you now, and you weren't sure what to do. He obviously wasn't going to leave. Your mind wouldn't give you a break. Or was this really just your mind? Of course, there was no other reason. Brian wasn't here. Brian was dead. Even if it was him, he would have said something to you. Well, at least your Brian would have.

You weren't really sure what the new Brian would have done. After all, he went years without letting you know that he was so much as alive rather than dead like you presumed but didn't want to believe, and instead stalked you and your best friend, threatened you, taunted you, and lead you on wild goose chase after wild goose chase. It was unknown if the 'new' Brian would have even alerted you of his presence like this one. Probably not. He would have just recorded you from behind a tree, stay far out of your sight, and then used the footage to send some type of cryptic message in binary through Youtube that would take you and Jay hours on end to solve.

But this one, he wasn't acting nice enough to be your Brian, nor was he being mysterious enough to be Totheark Brian. He seemed almost... vague. Confused, curious. And it greatly addled you. If it somehow was Brian... why would he be acting so strangely? Who knew. Being pushed from a window would have its effects on a person, you supposed. But how would he have been here with you? He died. He wasn't breathing, his heart wasn't beating. You saw it. So what were you seeing now?

Reaching up slightly, you put your hand on the top of his knee, your breaths turning shaky. You could still feel him. You could touch him. You can't touch hallucinations, right? Leisurely, your fingers moved up to his hands that were placed on his thighs in a relaxed manner and grabbed one cautiously. You squeezed it, and it took a moment, but he squeezed back. As if following your lead. It was warm, and you could feel skin and bone beneath the glove he wore over it. Hallucinations aren't warm.

You scooted just a little closer and put both hands on his chest, giving it a light, effortless push to see if he reacted. He tipped back briefly before stiffening, posture becoming more solid. Your touch traveled up to his shoulders as you scooted even closer, tears glistening in your eyes as your intent gaze went up to his masked face. Would he let you remove his mask? It was the only way to tell for sure if he was actually Brian, or if he was just an imposter. You were afraid of either possibility.

There was hardly any doubt that this was an actual, physical person in front of you. The question was, is it the person you thought it may have been? Did you even want it to be him? You didn't even know what you wanted. You paused your movements before feeling faintly around his throat for the hem of the mask, thankful when you found it without much trouble and began sliding it upward.

Only then did his hand come up and wrap around your wrist, firmly but softly, and you flinched a little from the sudden action. You knew what he was saying. 'Don't'. "Please," you started in a tone so quiet that nobody could hear it unless they were right beside you. "I...I need to know." It took around thirty seconds until he finally let go, albeit slowly, and brought his hand to rest in his lap, once more, giving you complete access.

You gulped and pulled the mask off, eyes widening when you saw the sight that awaited you. It was him. It was Brian. His hair was quite a bit longer than it was the last time you had seen it, and now messy, too, his eyes were still that deep shade of brown that you fell in love with, and his lips were set in a mellow frown. He looked almost exactly like you remembered him. But something was... different. Maybe it was the paleness of his skin or the confused, unfamiliar look in his eyes, but something wasn't right.

He stared back at you, eyebrows slightly furrowed in what you recognized as perplexity. You ran your finger along his cheek, his lips, through his hair, as if to make sure he was real. This shouldn't have been possible. He died. How would he have been reincarnated? Without you knowing about it, especially? All of these questions and more flew by in your mind, but each one was only there for a couple of seconds before the next one appeared. You couldn't process any of them right now. You were too focused on the man sitting here, right in front of you, in arms' reach.

You dropped his mask to the side, eyes collecting even more tears as you parted your lips in utter disbelief. "Brian..." Saying his name seemed to spark some sort of recognition within him because he tilted his head and brought his own hand up, wiping away a droplet that was slipping down your cheek and almost studying you with curiosity present in his brown orbs. This made your heart clench. What on earth was happening? All of your friends were dead. What was this one doing coming back?

You couldn't stop the weak, pathetic whimper that left your mouth as your heart rate increased, unable to fully comprehend the unspoken information that had delivered itself to you. The only thing you could think about doing was bringing him close and refusing to let go, which you did. Your arms wrapped so tightly around his neck that it's a wonder you didn't break bones, and your head leaned against the side of his own, letting out heartbroken sobs that you didn't even know existed, anymore.

It didn't take long before you felt his arms snake around your torso, pulling you closer to him as well and enveloping you in a hug that was an odd mix of comfort and confusion. You didn't care, though. All you wanted was to stay in your boyfriend's, who was presumed dead, embrace, and never let go. You didn't need to know the answers, not right then. You had gone five whole years without his touch, his voice, his presence, and you weren't going to waste this chance on searching for an explanation. You just wanted him. You needed him. You got the faint feeling that he needed you, too, whether he realized it, or not.

__________

So... yes. I liked the idea and wanted to write it, mainly because I think the whole 'Hoody tilting his head in confusion' thing is really cute xD Don’t say anything, you know you do, too.

Anyway, what I was thinking is that basically... Brian did die but he somehow came back to life after the events in Entry #87 but nobody knew it. It's Brian that came back to life, but he's kinda different? He had his memory almost completely wiped and can't really talk because he's dead. He's a physical being, but he's like a ghost? It doesn't make a whole lotta sense, lol. He remembers very significant people that were in his life, in a way that he feels connected to them and has an instinct to protect them, but he doesn't remember them as we would think.

Is that like, way too confusing? I'm sorry, it's not a thoroughly-planned idea, in fact it's very vague. I just love Brian so much and it absolutely killed me when he died in Entry #83, so I wanted to bring him back! Even if it's for unexplained reasons. Heck, I don't even know how he came back. Vengeful spirit? Pure magic? Extreme love for his girlfriend that refused to let him rest in peace without knowing she's safe? I think I like that the best.

Also, I was sneaky and put a little reference from Joseph DeLage's live stream on Marble Hornets in the one-shot so let me know if you found it!

I’m well aware that my first real post on this account is about Hoody, and I could give less of a shit if I’m being honest. Brian is baby and I have an obsession with him that may or may not make me dream strange things about him. But don’t we all? I mean, who couldn’t absolutely fall in love with his smile? Or his laugh? Or his voice, or his eyes, or his face, or just every-freaking-thing about him?

Also this one-shot is crap but I am currently running off of about four hours of sleep and have been for the past two days so my writing isn’t exactly polished and reward-worthy content.

But yes! Hoody x Reader, there it is. Hope it wasn’t too cringy.

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jelly-originals · 4 years ago

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★絶望 Character List★

Phoenix Wise High

Theodore Phoenix

The prince of the school.

Son of the headmaster, which makes him super popular but also puts incredibly amounts of stress on him.

Puts on a happy-go-lucky front to hide how depressed and lonely he is inside.

Due to his mother leaving him and his father when he was younger and his father's neglect of him, he's perpetually afraid of everyone around him leaving him if he's not good enough.

He works hard on his grades, often to the point of passing out, as he gets terrifying panic attacks if they're even a bit below perfect.

Reki Kagawa

The infamous loner of the school.

He has an extreme case of social anxiety, and being a late transfer student makes it extremely hard for him to talk at all at school.

His face is almost always passive as he learned a long time ago that it deters bullies better than anything else; it's incredibly rare to see him show any emotion on his face due to this.

His view of himself is perpetually warped due to years of bullying, which has lead to him often berating himself as boring and stupid.

He rarely has time for himself at all, as taking care of his sick mother and trying to keep up with school takes most of it.

Leopold Carnaby

The bad boy of the school.

Most people avoid his presence, especially at school, as he's known for flying into dangerous rages at people who even try to talk to him.

He has an immense hatred for his full name and calling him anything but Leo will get you a one way trip to the hospital.

Despite his outwards persona and anger issues, he's very soft with animals and children, often even helping the elderly around his neighbourhood.

Nobody knows what's actually going on with his family, though there are rumors that he's either homeless or that there's some abuse going on at his home that leads to him avoiding the place.

Milo Wagner

The smart bookworm of the school.

He's considered 'popular', if only because he's often the one who actually listens in class and thus has all the answers to tests and such.

Of course people often talk about him behind his back, but mostly due to his immense obliviousness he hasn't picked up on it.

He gets nervous when anyone asks about his family, though pretty much everyone has picked up that something's going on over there.

He's almost unhealthily skinny and never seems to eat anything, at least not around other people.

Royal Sunrise

Orpheus Draemdate

An artist who's detached from the world.

While he's incredibly in love with the world, it's mostly left at the aesthetic sense and he clearly views himself as an outsider when talking about the beauty he finds in everything.

While he's incredibly good at reading people and studying them, he doesn't truly understand the why and how of it.

He doesn't really have any friends or even acquaintances, as the most he talks to people is to ask to draw their portrait or when he gets commissions from people.

He doesn't spend a lot of time in his apartment when he doesn't have commissions to work on, and usually just wanders around the city in search of inspiration.

Daksh Mandal

A serious businessman with a workaholic streak.

He's perpetually tired and often on the verge of collapsing, as he tends to work himself to the bone as he perceives himself as having no purpose outside of his job.

He was previously married but his wife left him when his work became more and more important than her.

When he isn't working, most likely due to being forced to go home, he's at his apartment drinking tea and watching whatever happens to the on tv.

He used to be addicted to drugs before he got married to his wife. It used to be what he filled the void inside him before he started working and started using that as a replacement.

Lawrence Engelt

A clinically depressed hermit.

His father, largely the one thing connecting him to the rest of the world in any way, recently passed and Law inherited all of his money.

He leaves his apartment so rarely that sometimes the building's security guard is sent to check that he's still alive.

He has permanent dark circles under his eyes from his video game and energy drink addiction. He's especially fond of dating sims, most likely to fill his need for human contact and love.

He talks so little that his voice gets easily strained which makes his voice raspy and whispery.

Lazlo Farkas

An infamous serial killer.

He hates the world and everything that comes with it, but he hides it behind a charming and nice facade that makes everyone think that he's just another ordinary neighbour with a penchant for classical music.

He got his scars from his father, who was abusive to both him and his mother. His mother eventually ended up killing her husband and became a serial killer.

He listens to classical music while killing people since it reminds him of his mother and how it felt to be with her.

He has a habit of preserving his victims tongues in jars, as a way to 'remember' their last screams as they die.

La Dolce Vita Shopping Centre

Lennox Ashwell

An intimidating flowershop clerk.

Despite his looks and generally scary presence, he's actually a huge softie and is quite insecure about how people perceive him.

He often talks to the flowers at the shop when people aren't around, as other people don't really talk to him unless necessary.

His whole house is filled with various plants, as he has a tendency to take the dying ones with him to revitalize them. It makes him feel like he can actually do something good.

He's clearly had a troubled past that likely lead to his belief that he's no good, but he refuses to talk about it in any measure.

Shigeoki Nakayama

A barista with a grudge against his job.

He has a tendency to get stuck in customer service mode even outside of his job, as he's very aware that his prickly personality will just get him in trouble.

He's an alcoholic, coping with his shitty life and job by getting drunk at home, sometimes even on the job though he tries to avoid that when his superiors are around.

A lot of people hit on him on the job and even offer him their numbers, but his disgust at his job usually extends to the customers, who are clearly seeking to just spend the night with someone pretty.

He's a former street kid with hardly any skills other than bartending, so despite his hatred for his job he knows quitting isn't an option.

Ezra Nuit

A cheery jewelry shop clerk.

Due to being one of the longest lasting employees at the centre, he has a perpetual smile stuck on his face, that he seemingly can't take off even in his sleep.

His mother was one of the mysterious deaths in the shopping centre, when she fell through the glass ceiling of the jewelry shop while he was working there.

He always has jewelry on him, as he likes both feeling pretty and the attention he gets from it, likely stemming from having been a wallflower as a child to both his peers and family.

He lives with his younger sister now that his mother is dead, though neither of them spend that much time at home, much less at the same time. There's some tension there.

Iago

A bookshop keeper with a secret.

He has a calm and relaxed smile almost constantly on his face, though notably it isn't the same smile the rest of the shopping centre's employees have.

He always carries around a notebook, and while he on occassion writes in it when around people, nobody's ever read it.

He lives on the second floor of his bookshop, though people who've gotten in at night note that he never seems to sleep and that the shop gives off an eery feeling at night.

He's a bit arrogant when talked to, though his tone remains relaxed and teasing. He pretty clearly sees himself as being above other people in some way.

Black Spade Gang

Lucifer

The tough leader of the gang.

While to outsiders he comes off as sadistic and scary, to the members of his gang he acts like a reliable big brother.

He's a former orphan who founded the gang when he was 13, incidentally when he commited his first murder.

He keeps a pet snake around his neck at all times, a beautiful black Tiger Snake named Satan, who's extremely protective of him.

He has a particular fondness for getting into trouble, though he's very strict with his gang on where and what kind of trouble they can get into. He's very well aware he isn't the most dangerous thing in the city.

Luca

The clever second-hand man of Lucifer.

He's the brains of all their operations, being a master strategist and the only one out of the whole gang who's finished school.

He comes off as very kind, even to outsiders of the gang, and he knows how to take advantage of such presumptions. However, he's just as dangerous as the rest of them.

He comes from a well off family, but he was kicked out once he became too difficult for his parents to keep.

Lucifer is the one who introduced him to the life of crime when they were children, which is why he's extremely loyal to him.

Kit

The sweet looking maniac.

He's been with the gang for about as long as he can remember, and isn't really interested in anything outside of the little world he's created with his family.

He's always willing to go with whatever plans Lucifer may have, though he also has a tendency to go overboard with the violence so he's usually supervised by someone.

Despite his violent tendencies, he has a love for all things cute and fluffy and in fact often can't resist stealing things that fit the description if he sees them.

He's only calmed from his rampages if he's given his favorite stuffed animal, a little red fox named "Paddy".

Magnus

The silent muscle of the gang.

He's virtually mute, and usually communicates with grunts or charades. However, the rest of the gang seems to understand him just fine even without those.

Lucifer picked him up a few months after the gang was started, when he almost died in a scuffle he'd been pulled into by some kids who found him creepy.

He's very good at soothing the younger gang members, and is usually in charge of Kit. He also seems to always have something nice in his pockets, like candy.

He's very strong, capable of snapping someone's neck easily. In fact, he's done so on several occassions though usually it's to protect the other members.

Primrose Preparatory Academy

Enma Mephisto

A fellow yandere who pretends to be perfect.

He lives with his aunt, as his parents killed themselves when he was a child. Due to this he's desperate to please everyone around him, especially his aunt who always wanted a perfect little boy to dote on.

He's on top of the schools hierarchy, and is almost desperate to keep it that way which insentives him to keep the perfect facade on even more.

As he craves validation from the people around him, he sometimes goes to extremes to get it which has often resulted in him getting hurt.

The player, as the first person to see through his facade, grows into an immense obsession for him that he would be willing to do anything for.

Quincy Heverdoth

A crossdresser who's at the bottom of the school hierarchy.

Despite the harsh bullying he faces and the constant pressure from his mother to succeed and stop being who he is, he has an immense love for life.

He's physically very fragile and often sports more than a few bandages as his bullies tend to forget how easily he gets hurt.

He suffers from bulimia, as it's been drilled into his head that he has to look perfect for his family's reputation, which manifested in immense body dysphoria.

He cries a lot, from the slightest emotion he feels be it good or bad. Needless to say it's made him an even easier to pick on.

Mordecai Quintrell

An almost completely emotionless heir to a large conglomerate.

He's set to inherit his father's company in about a year and thus he's in a hurry to graduate and learn the ropes.

He doesn't have time for social interractions beyond business, but despite this he's popular at the academy as people admire his strong silent character.

He doesn't really know what he likes, as he's never had the time to figure himself or his personality out. All he's ever had to be is the heir to his father's company.

He's very good at reading people, but only in the business sense. His emotional intelligence when it comes to other people and himself is about zero.

Colin Stratton

A country pumpkin who recently came into a lot of money.

He's from out of city, and thus is unfamiliar with the societal expectations he has on him all of a sudden. Due to this most of the students tend to look down on him.

He's had very minimal education before coming to the academy and thus works extra hard to catch up. While this causes him immense stress, he tries to keep a positive outlook.

He's physically stronger than most people at the academy from years of farm work, and thus the students are slightly afraid to even try and bully him.

He's not used to being alone, so since the student body of the academy mostly avoid him he's very lonely at the school and is always looking for any excuse to chat with anyone.

Velvet Apple

Dae Kim

The "calm leader" of the group.

Outside of his stage persona, he's pretty energetic and the partying type. In fact, going to parties and engaging in reckless behaviour has grown into a bit of an addiction for him.

In recent years he's started caring less and less about his image, but some part of him is still afraid to disappoint all of his fans and ruin his career.

He's the most costly member of the group, mostly because they have to keep paying people to keep silent about his shenanigans.

He has an immense fear of darkness, and often sleeps in the same bed as one of his group mates so that he doesn't get nightmares from the darkness around them.

Sook Dang

The "innocent baby" of the group.

His actual personality is very foul and even hateful at times, as his time in the idol industry has left him pretty disillusioned with the world.

He often takes it upon himself to protect the rest of the group and despite his hatred for his stage persona, he'll play it up if it gets them out of uncomfortable situations.

He's the least comfortable in the group with showing his skin, and no one in the group knows why since at the start he was often in more revealing clothing to show off his cuteness.

He has a younger brother he has to take care of, which is why he's never really even thought of quitting or disobeying his manager and bosses.

Touyou Endo

The "playboy" of the group.

He's surprisingly innocent and naive, and the rest of the group are pretty intent on keeping it that way.

His parents, who were also idols, arranged for him to be a part of the group, and his immense fear of them keeps him from quitting.

He suffers from extreme insomnia, often not sleeping for days at a time. He wears a lot of makeup to cover up the effects of it.

While he isn't a fan of his career, he loves travelling and seeing new places. In fact, it's a dream of his to just travel the world without the pressure of being an idol.

Vasili Galkin

The "tough silent guy" of the group.

Actually a huge chatterbox, often to the point where his group mates have to physically keep him from talking while they're in public.

Considered the "exotic one" of the group, which he finds a bit weird, especially considering he isn't from a country that would be considered "exotic".

Only one of the group to speak more than one language, which makes him the translator of the group even if it's a bit hard to navigate.

Being part of the group is his ticket to permanently staying in the country, so his options for leaving the group are extremely limited.

Angelcare Hospital

Cyrus Leigh

The rough and uncaring doctor.

He specializes in the terminally ill patients, though he also has surgical training which he's immensely proud of.

Most of the staff is a bit scared of him, as it's a pretty well known fact that he can and will get people fired if they get in his way.

He isn't necessarily sadistic nor intentionally hurtful to his patients, he just doesn't view human life as worth caring for as a whole.

The only reason he became a doctor is because he knew it's a respected career choice and people would admire him for it.

Ira Banes

The sweet nurse with a dark secret.

Most everyone who comes into contact with him think him just the sweetest person alive and all of his patients trust him way more than any of the other staff.

Of course, his persona's all a ruse in order to get close to his patients before he kills them. This way no one ever suspects him.

He's extremely fascinated by dying people, which is why he became a nurse, and he desperately wants to know what it's like to die.

He keeps a diary of all his patients, up until the day they die. He has a whole cabinet full of them and he often sits around and reads them when he has free time.

He got fascinated with death when his mother accidentally slipped and hit her head, leading to a slow and painful death that Ira observed for several hours, never alerting anyone until it was over.

Narihito Glen

The patient who's been sick his whole life.

He's lived pretty much always in a hospital, dispersed with the few times he was allowed to go home when he was thought healthy only to be carted back into his hospital room.

His family has pretty much given up on him ever getting better, and they rarely even come to visit him and he doesn't really have any friends either, at least ones who last long.

Nobody's sure how long he still has, as nobody truly knows what's wrong with him, but he's outlived all previous estimates so he's a bit hopeful of living a long life.

He's not always in pain, but most of the time he's at least mildly uncomfortable or pained. In fact, most of his treatment boils down to lots and lots of painkillers.

Darling

???

Saves the player from a car crash at the start of the game and falls into a coma as a result. No one has any clue as to who he is.

His doctor's pretty sure that if he ever wakes up, he himself won't know who he is.

Sometimes mumbles in his sleep, though it never makes any sense, but at least it means he isn't brain dead.

Spider Lily Orphan Home

Reuben Aranha

The head supervisor of the orphanage.

Under constant stress to even keep the place running and taking care of the children, which doesn't help his already bad temper with them.

His family has owned the orphanage for generations. It's currently officially owned by his mother, but he's set to inherit it soon.

He truly cares for all the children at the orphanage, he just isn't the best with children and would most certainly not ever have taken this job if it wasn't his responsibility to do so.

He's aware that the orphanage and his family has some big secret to it, but he doesn't yet know what it is. He's been told he'll learn it when he owns the place.

Minekiyo

The eldest of the orphans.

He's always running after the younger children, helping Reuben take care of them, even going out of his way to get them out of trouble if something happens.

He's been at the orphanage his whole life, as he was abandoned there by his parents. Due to this, he considers Reuben a big brother and his mother his own mother.

He often ignores his own health and well-being for the sake of others, even if they don't deserve his help or sacrifice.

He's picked up a lot of skills while living at the orphanage, as they're almost completely self-sustaining and someone has to take care of the household chores.

Lysander

The delinquent type who hates the orphanage.

He's only been at the orphanage for a few years, as he arrived when his parent's died mysteriously and none of his family members wanted to take him in.

He has about no actual social skills, as he's always been a difficult child and his parent's thought it better to keep him away from other children.

He's not particularly violent, he just doesn't understand how to be around children or even most adults, and thus sometimes unintentionally hurts him.

Most of the kids at the orphanage consider him an outsider and he pretends not to care about it.

Kiku

The cheery arsonist.

He's been around for a good ten years, though no one at the orphanage knows anything about him despite it.

There's lots of rumors as to why he's at the orphanage, though the most widely accepted is that he killed his parents by setting their house on fire, but no one could prove it.

He doesn't really know how to do anything, as he's been largely restricted from helping around in fear that it will lead to a fire.

He keeps getting a hold of matches and lighters, and nobody knows how. Reuben has a large box of all his conficted fire hazards.

He frequently tries to set his own hair on fire, and his hands are permanently scarred and hurting.

Molchalin Family

Vladimir Molchalin

The head of the family.

He's an eccentric inventor, always coming up with new ideas and machines, most of which are scattered all around the manor.

He's very easily excitable, and tends to run around and shout whenever something surprising and/or exciting happens.

He's very affectionate with everyone, including strangers, but most of all his children. His youngest child, his only daughter, tends to get the brunt of it.

He never talks about his former wife, but he doesn't seem too bothered by her rather mysterious passing.

Anatoli Molchalin

The eldest son of the family.

He has a rather morbid sense of humor, and sports an impressive collection of taxidermied animals which he has made himself.

He has a very mischievous personality, often teasing and pestering his younger siblings much to their chagrin.

He's the closest in personality to his father, and seems to have an unfathomable hatred for his mother whom he refuses to talk about.

He's often around to encourage his younger siblings' hobbies and ambitions, doing anything he can to help them.

Naum Molchalin

The second son of the family.

He has an odd way of showing his affection, which is to try and murder the people close to him in increasingly elaborate ways.

He used to be his mother's favorite child, though the feeling has never seemed to be mutual. According to the people who know him, he got a lot more lively after his mother's death.

Despite being more "lively", he rarely exhibits any emotion on his face aside from boredom or occassional annoyance.

He rarely actually spends time with anyone, though if his siblings pester him enough he'll follow them around to do whatever, especially to Nadenka.

Sasha Molchalin

The third son of the family.

He's very daydreamy, and never seems to be aware of what's going on around him, though with the help of his family and servants he really never gets hurt.

Usually he spends his time in the garden, surrounded by all the butterflies and small animals that live there. He often naps at the base of his favorite willow tree.

He doesn't seem to even remember their mother, though notably he was always her least favorite and hardly spent time with her.

He has a weird tendency to find the oddest spots in the house to nap in, some that seem almost impossible to get to, especially for someone so unaware of their surroundings.

DeVille Family

Dario DeVille

The surprisingly sweet and cheerful boss of the family.

Most people tend to underestimate him, as they perceive him as "soft" and "kind", especially compared to his father who used to be a feared and ruthless boss.

He doesn't think that being cruel to his subordinates will get him anything, but that doesn't mean that he isn't willing to get his hands dirty if needed.

In a fight he's absolutely terrifying, though most people don't know about that since he's usually stopping fights rather than participating in them.

He knows how to use several different kinds of weapons, though he's most efficient with small firearms.

Clemente Galante

The serious and seemingly sadistic underboss.

He's pretty much always by Dario's side, only straying when ordered to or for his personal time, though even then he has to be forced to take it.

He's extremely neat and gets nervous if anything is out of place or doesn't go according to plan, which often ends in him tugging at his hair frantically.

It's rumored that he has a secret torture chamber in the basement of the DeVille family manor, though no one has ever found it.

He's very efficient with throwing knifes, though he himself prefers a bigger arsenal, like machine guns and rifles even if he's not particularly good with them.

Elio Sorbello

The clever & power hungry capo.

He only recently became a capo, after the unsolved murder of his former superior, though he's been a part of the family itself for most of his life.

Expert in poisons of all kinds, but he keeps it a secret as he'd rather people not know that he has the ability to poison them at any moment.

He ended up as part of the DeVille mafia as payment for his parents debts to them. Coming from relative poverty, he's always had a craving for the finer things in life.

He's the most outwardly ruthless of the more important family members, having made it very clear that he's willing to do anything if it gets him influence and power.

Vittorio Caito

The boss' cousin and a popular stripper.

He goes by his mother's maiden name since, while being part of the family, he lives a pretty separate life style from them, professionally speaking.

He's never had that much interest in the family business, which led to him passing his opportunity for being the boss to his older cousin.

He's still trained in fighting, and keeps a small knife strapped to his thigh at all times. That said, he's very slim and relatively weak, so he usually has a bodyguard tailing him.

He became a stripper pretty much only because it gives him attention and validation on his looks, which he views as his one strong point.

Heavenly Breath Church

Malachi Gallagher

A devout priest.

Came to faith after a near death experience he believes he was saved from by an angel. He left behind his previously borderline criminal life and became ordained shortly after.

He believes on occassion his dreams are prophetic and straight from God, as they've shown him the future and heaven.

He's very charismatic and can keep the attention of a room indefinitely, even though previous to joining the church he used to be rather soft-spoken and barely aknowledged.

Carries around a small cross with a secret knife in it, that he on occassion cuts his hand with for some reason.

Raphael Angelica

An angelical music director.

He's pretty much always available at the church, and many suspect that he lives there though he adamantly denies such claims.

Tends to hang around Malachi a lot, especially during services and events. They're always whispering together, which at one point led the members of the church to believe that they're in a relationship.

He has an extremely pretty voice, which is often described as sounding like an angel's choir, though he doesn't tend to sing a lot.

He's always helping the members of the church with anything he can, way beyond his actual duties. He might as well be an angel.

Asa Drued

A very gorgeous gardener of the church.

He's not actually particularly religious, or even a member of the church, he just works there and since he loves the church's garden he's perfectly happy staying there.

Many of the church members consider him an outsider, though it doesn't stop them from being enchanted with his looks.

He doesn't seem to be aware of just how pretty he is, though he's more than happy to receive compliments and get to know people because of them.

He's generally pretty friendly but he's often seen as unapproachable because of the way he looks, so he doesn't have many social contacts.

Micah Dulcie

A choir member with an innocent aura.

He's very gullible and his "friends" often convince him of ridiculous stuff or get him to do something silly to embarrass him.

He's a somewhat distant descendant of the church's founders, so he's considered an important part of it even and somewhat influencal in the going-on's of the church.

He carries around a small cross that he clutches when he feels afraid or nervous, given to him by Raphael.

His parents have always kept him under their strict watch, so he's not very knowleadgable about the world outside the church.

Gigglemug Psychiatric Hospital

Jahi Ayad

The lethargic head psychiatrist of the hospital.

He takes his study of the human mind very seriously and prides himself in his work, though notably his ability to discern actual human suffering is severely diminished due to his one track mind.

He's enjoys doing all sorts of experiments on people, and isn't afraid to get his hands dirty in his pursuit of knowledge and science.

He's perpetually tired & sleep deprived since he barely sleeps and tends to work until he collapses on his desk.

He's averse to modern technology, due to his belief that for things to work properly people have to be in direct contact with their subjects.

Kai Elton

The gentle security guard.

He always tries to treat the patients with patience, even if the doctor's at the facility get a bit annoyed and tell him to hurry up.

He hasn't been working at the hospital for long, and thus isn't all that aware of the worst of what's done there.

He often brings flowers from his own garden for the calmer residents, which makes him very likeable among the patients.

While he's originally from the city, he hasn't lived there for most of his life as his parents thought it better to not raise a child there. They were still quite against him moving back.

Tavi Vass / D'artagnan

The long time patient with a "volatile" case of DID.

Tavi is the host and core of the body, he doesn't remember what caused his DID. He tends to be a bit moody and quiet, but generally agreeable and sociable.

D'artagnan is a persecutor and non-human alter. He holds most of the trauma memories of the system but absolutely refuses to talk about it. He views himself as above other beings, especially humans, and can be violent to both others and the body.

Vevina is a caretaker alter, who's very careful with her words and actions, especially when it comes to Tavi and Cookie. She can be threatening if need be, but generally tries to make nice with everyone.

Cookie is a little alter, about 5 years old, and fronts very rarely. He's a bit shy but knows to be sweet to everyone since Vevina is, and he listens to adults as much as he can.

Kaita Ito

The patient with Dependent Personality Disorder.

His DPD is very severe and leaves him incapable of making the slightest of decisions, which is why he ended up at Gigglemug after his parents got tired of taking care of him.

His DPD is largely the result of his parents deciding and doing everything for him as a child, never allowing him to develop an identity beyond them.

He often neglects his own health as the doctors at the hospital aren't actually too interested in helping him, just observing and studying him.

Most of the other patients know that he's easy to take advantage of him, and the crueler ones of the bunch often get him to do stuff that will get him in trouble, which leads him to panic attacks.

Wainwright Detective Agency

Ariel Wainwright

The hardened head detective.

He's the only adult member of the Wainwright family left, as everyone but his 13-year old cousin are dead under semi-mysterious circumstances.

While he always seems calm and collected no matter the situation, he often has breakdowns in the privacy of his home or office from the pressure of being pretty much the only true facet of justice left in the city.

His knowledge of how corrupt the city truly is has lead him down some dark paths in the past, but he's sworn to himself to not become that person again.

He has a loyal pet dog named Sebastian that follows him around everywhere. He's actually a service dog that helps him keep his emotions stable.

Langston Hayes

The eccentric partner of Ariel.

He spends most of his time lounging casually around the office, usually in the strangest outfits.

He gets on Ariel's nerves constantly, but he's a good and just detective and can't be let go just for his eccentricities.

He was unofficially adopted by Ariel's father, the former head detective, after his parents died and Ariel's father was assigned to the case.

He has a talent for making people feel at ease around him and reveal all their secrets to him if he so wishes.

Sonny Ejiri

The newbie of the agency.

He's from outside the city and so isn't all that used to the violent and horrific crimes that happen there, at least not the amount.

He's a go-getter, but the silent type who'll listen to orders given to him dutifully unless he thinks it's an emergency.

Everyone tends to always underestimate him, even Ariel, because of his pretty face and small figure, but he's actually experienced in Judo and Bōjutsu.

He's not entirely used to the case process, especially not talking to people and he tends to get flustered when he has to do something new.

Lincoln Deantown

The serious secretary of the agency.

He has a very no-nonsense way with the agency, always keeping the three detectives in check and making sure they're doing everything by the book.

He's always making meals for everyone at the agency, be it the three detectives, witnesses, clients, or even the lesser criminals. In general, he tends to try and take care of everyone in his own gruff way.

He has a very intricate filing system in his little cabinet wall, and if anyone who isn't him touches it he is willing to break some bones.

He goes to anger-management therapy for his personality issues, as Ariel insisted he take them in order to be able to work at the agency.

Yokomura Family

Musashita Yokomura

The wise head of the family.

He's a very traditional man and tries to keep the family's secrets and traditions alive, even if it were to cost him his life.

He's the third generation leader of the family, and was born outside the city. He was only two years old when they moved in, so he doesn't remember much of the outside world.

He doesn't have the ability to feel compassion for humans, as he's been trained since he was born to simply kill.

He loves his two children, and while he can no longer do anything for his older son who's already been trained, he tries to prevent his younger son from becoming a monster like them.

Yoriu Yokomura

The emotionless eldest son who unlocks his yandere streak with the player.

He doesn't understand the emotions of others or his own, often leading to him saying or doing hurtful things without understanding why people get upset.

The first emotion he's ever understood is his "love" for the player, as explained to him by his father, which makes him unable to let go of them.

He's an expert in bladed weapons, just as his father is expert in poisons and his brother in technology.

He's the most mysterious member of the family, as nobody outside the manor has seen his face and lived.

Kitsuya Yokomura

The family's tech wizard adopted son.

He was adopted by Musashita when he was 5, possibly as a way to try and repent even in the slightest for his career.

He spends most of his time in his room, which is filled with screens and computers, along with other pieces of high-tech technology.

He's never killed anyone with his own hands, but he helps his father and brother by gathering intel and acting as a remote lookout.

He's a bit spoiled since his father wants to provide for him as much as he can and the servants are afraid to deny him in fear of his older brother.

Yasuki

The loyal & skilled head butler of the family.

His family has been serving the Yokomura's longer than anyone could trace back, possibly to the start of both families careers. Due to this, he knows nothing else than being loyal to the Yokomura's.

He started quite young, as his father who was the previous head butler died during a mission and someone from their family needed to replace him.

He takes care of the ten guard dogs of the manor, and considers it to be the highlight of his day.

He acts like a true gentleman and servant no matter the situation, even when killing or in danger.

Devil Hill House

Samael Teivel

The master of the house.

He only appears in his office when it's raining, always looking out the large windows to the surrounding forest.

He speaks in riddles, often so incomprehensible and removed from reality that they're impossible to decipher.

The story has it that he made a deal with the devil or a dark spirit of somekind when he was alive, and he and his house got burned down for it.

He seems extremely interested in sweets, as they're the only thing that can lure him out of his office if only for a moment.

Belial

The being in the mirror.

If people look into the reflective surfaces in the house, their reflection slowly turns into his form and they are driven insane by looking into his eyes.

He's possibly the dark spirit who made a deal with Samael, but he doesn't aknowledge questions about the house and inhabitants before it became haunted.

He always knows what's happening inside the house, often telling the other residents when there are intruders in their areas. The only room he won't go in is the main office.

He clearly enjoys messing with intruders more than the others, his laughter often echoing throughout the house as they're being tormented.

Faust & Mephisto

The pair of twins in the hallway.

They always move in perfect sync, mirroring each other and talking together to make their voice echo.

They walk around the hallways of the house, and on occassion enter a room that was clearly theirs when they were still alive.

Most people couldn't possibly tell the twins apart, despite them being mirror twins. Even when they were alive they were impossibly similar, which often annoyed them.

During the night they'll sing lullabies to each other, taking turns until they fall asleep and then disappear.

???

The thing in the basement.

He doesn't seem to be capable of talking, only communicating through growls and yelps. Often his howls can be heard through the forest, leading people to the house.

He refuses to leave the basement, and people who go into the basement don't often come back. In fact, most of the other residents usually herd intruders in there to get rid of them.

Sometimes he looks out the small window in the basement, especially when it snows though he'll avoid everything that comes from through the broken window.

He's constantly starving, only eating when intruders arrive as there is no other food in the house.

Fanfare Fits Carnival

Lockhart

The weird ringmaster of the carnival.

He speaks in a very grandiose way even outside the ring, his powerful voice grapping the attention of passerby's easily to lure them into the carnival grounds.

While he himself doesn't really do acts during the shows, he clearly directs the other performers and often springs suprise tricks on them to amaze the audience.

He's very boisterous and enjoys the spotlight, but his willingness to do anything to keep the carnival running comes from his love for it, as both his home and family.

He was raised with the travelling carnival, his parents being former performers before they died during a show and the previous ringmaster adopted him.

Arion Crystalion

The grand-star of the show, a magician.

While not performing his shows in the main tent, he has a small personal tent where he reads people's futures and gives them life advice.

He joined the carnival a couple of years before they settled in the city, though he seems awfully familiar with the place.

He doesn't talk about his past before the carnival, and is incredibly protective of the only thing he had with him when he joined, a crystal ball.

The rest of the performers admire him a lot for the things he's capable of doing, though some of them are incredibly jealous of his star-status.

Thingamajig

The creepy clown.

Nobody remembers when he joined the carnival, and people in general have a hard time remembering anything about him when he's not present.

He likes handing out balloons and treats to the people exploring the carnival grounds, though most who take them disappear shortly after.

He rarely talks, and when he does people can never agree on if his voice is high-pitched or low and gravelly.

Children seem to trust him a lot for some odd reason, and he often escorts them around the carnival, showing off all the attractions.

Andromeda

The beautiful carousel ride sculpture.

He sits inside one of the carriages on the carousel, originally there to make lone riders feel less alone.

He thinks he came to life shortly after the carnival came to the city, though his memory is hazy.

He loves watching the quests ride on the carousel, though his longing to talk to them only grows larger with every spin the carousel makes.

He has never actually talked or moved much, afraid of someone discovering him and getting rid of him. He loves his carousel home too much to leave it behind.

Wraithfeat Cemetery

Jade Eidolon

The odd undertaker.

He speaks very slowly and lethartically, often devolving into mumbling and whispers if he speaks longer than a couple of words.

He lives at his shop at the very edge of the cemetery, and only ever leaves the place to do his job inside the cemetery. He never steps a foot outside the cemetery gates.

He avoids talking to people as much as possible, as he considers them to be terrifying and dark creatures since he only ever sees them in the throes of sadness which often turns to anger.

People tend to be very uncomfortable in his shop, as it's always a bit dusty and the shelfs are filled with jars of unknown substances and strange taxidermied creatures. Not to speak of the opossum people swear is alive but can never catch moving.

Shi

The shade who hangs around the cemetery.

He's usually seen sitting a top the brickwall surrounding the cemetery, around the main gates.

Normal people can't see him, but they can feel him looking at him and if he happens to touch them they'll get intense goosebumps.

He was born from the dark negative emotions of the people visiting the cemetery, so he doesn't really understand or experience positive things.

Everytime someone brings flowers to someone's grave, he'll take one from the bunch and stash it away in his private collection.

Luan Quy

The unaffected caretaker of the cemetery.

He doesn't believe in the supernatural so he doesn't really think there's anything odd going on in the cemetery, plus his iron-nerves, makes him perfect for his job.

He's the only person taking care of the cemetery besides Jade, who fears him a lot, so he's usually busy cleaning gravestones or weeding the flowerbeds.

Somehow he's very social outside of his job, though most people do think him a bit weird for taking the job, no matter how essential and well paying it is.

Despite the job being pretty well paying, most of his money is sent to his family so he lives in a small cheap apartment near the cemetery.

Peregrine

Odd bird-like fellow who regularly visits the cemetery.

He always visits the same grave, at the very back of the cemetery who's headstone is broken and overgrown.

He's often followed around by a flock of crows, who assist him with whatever he's doing and bring him fun little trinkets.

He seems to disappear when he leaves the cemetery, only the flock of crows left behind to fly off.

He tends to avoid talking to the other visitors, though the ones who've managed to catch him say he's quite a pleasant fellow.

Crystal Mirror Club

Lazarus Rhodestone

A mischievous and seductive vampire.

In modern words, he'd probably be called a 'playboy' but he despises it and insists that he's simply 'someone who enjoys things life throws at him'.

Despite the fact that he can't actually get drunk, with the amount he drinks he could technically be considered an alcoholic.

He often tells grand tales of travelling the world, living in a dark mansion where he was free to torment travellers and the villagers who fear him, though he doesn't like talking about why he's now in the city, not in a grand mansion or a dark castle.

He keeps a locket on him at all times, that he's extremely protective of and never takes off for anything.

Hamao Fujiki

A socially awkward jorogumo singer.

The only time he feels confident is on the club's stage, though unfortunately for him that confidence translates into his magic seduction abilities and usually leaves him swarmed with admirers.

He lives at the back of the club in a small room Amadeus arranged for him when he first started working there.

He used to live in the forest, but something drove him out and forced him into the city. where he was found by Amadeus and take in.

He tends to cover his face with his signature scarf when going out, not only to hide his otherworldly appearance but also to stop his seduction abilities from accidentally activating.

Amadeus Octave

An incubus who owns the club.

He's owned the club for about 250 years, though back then it was a completely different sort of establishment.

Because of his way with human emotions and dreams, he's particularly sensitive to people and their blights and can't turn away hurting people.

He has a special room in the back that he sometimes brings people into, but nobody knows what happens in there as the people who go in never remember when coming out.

He has a collection of sketchbooks, full of potraits of different people and places, presumably ones he's met and been to.

Gratie van Helsing

A clumsy and silly monster hunter.

While his style of speech is usually whimsical and playful, but on occassion it will drop down to a dramatic drawl, lead on by ominous warnings and mutterings.

He usually presents himself as a simple doctor from a foreign land, who travels looking for a place to settle.

His whole entire family are and have been monster hunters, most of them believing they're descendants of the van Helsing. Whether or not this is true is debatable.

He's a bit reckless when it comes to his job, often rushing into things without thinking about he consequences first.

Holdem Forest

Moriki

A mischievous tanuki.

He often hangs around the entrances to the forest, pranking visitors by taking on ghostly forms or a friendly face, leading them astray.

He isn't a cruel person, he simply knows that the more haunted the forest seems, the less people will want to seriously harm the place.

A lot of the forest folk know him and appreciate him for protecting the forest, often popping by for crackers and tea.

He's not originally from the forest, he came there looking for his brother who he believes is somehow living in the city.

Nishith

A bit too friendly naga.

He's extremely curious about humans, despite the fact that every member of his family has warned him against them.

He has a small territory he lives in that he never leaves, even if he desperately wants to explore the rest of the forest and beyond it.

He's unfortunately oblivious to his own dangerousness, like his poison fangs and strong tail, which more often than not ends in a dead little friend.

While he's very intelligent, especially for someone who's grown up in a forest, but he's very easily distracted and forgets to think when excited.

Valdemar

A lonely and elusive näkki.

Usually he appears to people as a beautiful horse to lure them into his pond, but his 'real' form is that of a beautiful but corpse-like man.

Even the other residents of the forest fear him and avoid his home pond, and he considers it to be best this way, as he can't help his nature and thus would be a danger to them.

He's very protective of his precious violin, though if someone were to bring him a specific kind of gift [three drops of blood, a black animal, or vodka] he'll gladly teach them to play it.

As calling him by his name is the only way to kill him, he never tells it to people unless he absolutely 100 percent trusts them, which has never happened.

Oberon

Fae king of the Unseelie court.

He often rides through the forest with his entourage, causing mischief to travellers, especially if encountered head on.

He has a blood feud with the Queen of the Seelie court, Titania. No one in either court knows why, though there's rumors of a love triangle.

As he's incapable of lying, he's gotten very good with words to entice and entrap people with.

He loves stories, especially interesting and new ones, and they're a good way to get out of his bad favor or not end up kidnapped by him. Or it'll make him want to kidnap you more, he's a bit unpredictable.

Death Parade Offices

Bela

The God of Death.

He is the CEO of the Death Parade Corporation, along with his brother Valentin, though he's clearly the more responsible one.

He doesn't understand living creatures, especially love and feelings of affection, though he's indefinitely curious about them.

He has a small black french bulldog named "Surma" who follows him everywhere and often fetches stuff for him.

He's very conscious of his appearance, as he's a bit paranoid of humans finding out who he is. He's very aware of the human opinion on death.

Valentin

The God of Love.

The other CEO of the Death Parade Corporation, the whole thing being originally his idea to hide both his and his brother's jobs.

He's always been the more popular brother, so he's very social and popular among the mortals around them.

He has a large white Norwegian Forest Cat named "Psyche" who usually lounges on a luxurious pillow in his office.

He's capable of possessing people to help people with their love life, though he usually leaves such stuff to his employees.

Aeron

Reaper just trying to do his job.

He pretty much fuels himself with coffee, being a worrying regular in the coffee shop near the offices. 19 shots of expresso.

He usually rides around doing his job on a white, sleek motorcycle, a sharp contrast to his black and pink office suit.

His co-workers like to often remind him of his rebellious phase before the company was established, when he was wild and reckless.

He has a stuffed bunny on his desk in his office, which he tries to desperately hide from people, not wanting to ruin his serious image.

Desi

The cupid to be blamed for all of this.

He loves experimenting with his job, which usually results in good things, at worst a few broken hearts.

He often spends time sleeping on fainting couch in his office while he's supposed to be doing paperwork, much to Aeron's chagrin.

He often gets away with a lot of his nonsense because of his cute and innocent face, and his very convincing apologies.

He's pretty notorious for being the reason for a lot of minor tragedies of the past, and despite people pointing it out he ignores it and continues his nonsense.

#絶望 #Character List #Zetsubou Game Info

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isa-ghost · 6 years ago

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Bro Average & Divorce Analysis

Y’all are right, don’t demonize Stacy. It’s unfair and stupid and some of the extents people go to to demonize her are straight fuckin gross. Don’t do it. But don’t criminalize Chase either. Don’t make out either of the two to be evil. Here’s why--

In Bro Average, the divorce was shown super spontaneously (a big reason why people demonize Stacy so much).

The only two reasons for the divorce that have solid evidence to support them are that the Brodys either had serious financial problems and Chase’s channel wasn’t doing enough, or that Stacy thought Chase’s dream job was childish and dumped him because of it (his trickshot names and reactions to scoring shots are arguably “immature” for a man Chase’s age, even if there’s nothing wrong with being a child at heart. Stacy might even think being a YouTuber/vlogger in general is immature, we don’t know).

More solidly supported is the financial trouble reason--

“No, baby, no. No, I know, yeah, I’m trying, okay? I’m working, I’m trying to get all the shots. Just look, just don’t take the kids.”

“Just don’t take the kids.” really makes it sound like she’s threatening him with taking them away from him if he doesn’t start making money. This right here is probably one of the biggest reasons why people demonize her so much.

“This one’s called I’m Staying At My Sister’s This Weekend.”

Stacy is separating from him. Chase is no saint here, it could be because he’s too stubborn to get a more financially helpful job. Or, he’s simply trying to hold out hope that his dream job will take off finally. (Speaking as someone who had a father who did that, and it ended up not taking off and royally fucking things up financially for the family). What we know of Chase so far from all of his video appearances shows he’s got that Soft Heart And Big Dreams personality, it’s very likely that’s what he tried to do. It’s a common movie/show trope that the father figure just can’t bring himself to let go of work-related dreams until it’s too late. But the stubbornness isn’t out-ruled here. We don’t know which was the case. Either way, Stacy separated from him.

“Well I don’t care what your sister says. Just please, at least let me see [the kids] on the weekends still.”

Okay 1) Stacy’s sister has no say in Chase’s visitation of HIS kids. She’s not the legal guardian, even if she’s a relative, regardless of why she says he can’t see them. 2) There is no reason Chase can’t see them on weekends or at all. Whether the separation (not yet divorce) was because of Chase’s “immaturity” or because of financial failure, there is no reason Chase can’t have any visitation with his kids whatsoever other than “you’re too immature, so you’re not mature enough to be a father” which is a little bit unreasonable, not to mention a huge assumption on Stacy’s part and definitely more opinion than fact. (Another big reason people demonize Stacy).

“This one’s called Fuck You Chase, I’m Leaving You And I’m Taking The Kids With Me.”

He could have said it that way out of frustration, she could have actually said that word for word. We don’t know. But Stacy moving to her sister’s to get away from Chase and refusing to let him see the kids was a very obvious sign she’s getting ready to divorce him. This is where people shouldn’t demonize Stacy. If she took the kids with her, she obviously cares enough about them and takes being a mother seriously enough that she wants them. Not to mention, if Chase is at fault for the financial troubles because his dream job of being a vlogger won’t take off and make enough money, then why would she leave the kids with him?

“H-H- Hey sweetie! Yeah, daddy loves y-” [Chase is hung up on.]

Here I personally think it was Stacy that hung up the phone (whether she pressed the button or if she made the kid do it, because it’s not far fetched to say that if his kids love him, they wouldn’t hang up so suddenly), BUT if Chase has little kids, like we’re pretty sure he does based on the sounds we hear in Dark Silence, then maybe the kid just hung up too soon on accident or something. If Stacy DID hang up on him or make the kid do it, then this is yet another reason people demonize her. The assumption alone that she might’ve been the one to do it is another reason people demonize her. It’s more evidence that she’s completely cutting Chase off from his kids.

“This one’s called Fuck You Chase, I Want A Divorce”

Again, we don’t know if that was said by Stacy word for word or said out of frustration. If it was, Chase is reasonably upset and kind of has every right to say it that way. It’s our fault if we take that as a reason to demonize Stacy.

[Chase breaks down crying]

THIS is the moment I think his depression truly started, or kicked into the severity we see later on in the storyline if he had depression this entire time and just never showed it on-screen in what we see. He’s lost his family, and Stacy is being difficult about visitation.

It was never mentioned that he drank, he never seemed drunk, and he was never shown drinking alcohol here, before the divorce or even right after. There is NO evidence that he drank heavily before Bro Average and the divorce. If anything, him using the teabags might imply he drank a lot of tea. He started drinking whiskey AFTER the divorce, out of grief because he lost his family to is drinking to to try and numb the pain. He didn’t even really show he has depression during BA/before the divorce. He’s actually extremely bubbly and happy in BA in the scenes he isn’t talking to Stacy/being upset about the divorce, which I know doesn’t mean he’s not depressed, but he certainly doesn’t show it here as strongly as he does in any video we see him in after BA.

**Also gonna just mention here about the idea that Anti might’ve had a hand in the divorce. We have 0 evidence for that so it’s possible but equally as unlikely. I personally feel like Sean would’ve included SOME kind of way to show he did. At this point in time (April 2017) he might not have even planned on having an entire ego storyline OR have egos interacting with each other. So again, its possible but also unlikely.**

“This one’s called The Drive-By.”

And THIS is where all the huge confusion on our end comes in. Did he really pull a drive-by? All the rest of his trickshots seem like they take place in that office building. And we see all of his struggling with Stacy going on there too, like they’re arguing while he’s at work trying to make money for them. 99% of BA takes place in that building, its just this scene we don’t know about.

There’s actual gunshot noises and screams like he actually committed a drive-by. It’s also not uncommon for people both in media and real life to do something stupid, rash or even violent when they’re under too much emotional/mental stress. It’s actually proven that men especially act out in violence because of fear of being perceived as weak if they show vulnerable emotions like sadness (*vibrates in psychology major, oops*), so they vent through physical, often violent means instead. (I doubt Sean knows that, and I doubt even more that he planned such an intricate real life detail in something that wasn’t even supposed to be an ego power hour in the first place, but I digress).

This face especially right here makes me think he might have actually done it. He looks dead inside, almost like he’s glaring. If Anti had a hand in the divorce, did he make Chase do this too, if he really did do it?

“This one’s called Stacy I Love You, Please Don’t Go.”

It’s not uncommon for a mass shooter to commit suicide after they commit their shooting. Not only that, but obviously of course, suicide is extremely common in depressed people, and the divorce (with or without the depression as an added factor) is a big motivator for someone to do something like this, especially since Chase likely doesn’t have much else to live for besides his kids, which are being kept from him completely by Stacy. Basically what I’m saying here is, there’s A LOT of good reasons why Chase would try to kill himself. Also want to mention really quick that Chase did not show violent behavior that we saw before this, so him being violent towards Stacy or the kids remains ruled out of the reasons with evidence why Stacy would divorce him.

There’s a real gunshot noise when he shoots himself. It has also been CONFIRMED by Henrik in KJSE that this suicide attempt was legit, because he said he saved Chase.

We should also keep this scene after the outro in mind. Is it just as canon as the rest of BA? Is it just Sean being a goof and this is a blooper? Did Chase not successfully kill himself? That’s a big possibility. We don’t know. But we DO know he definitely shot himself for real and Henrik saved him. I’m kinda leaning towards this being a blooper of Sean being a dork, personally.

ALSO-

*Galaxy-brains for a moment here* What if Chase’s dreams of being a YouTuber/vlogger DID end the divorce and now as some twisted ass irony, he’s actually achieved his dream because he has to pose as Jack on the channel? Now THAT I could see Sean doing, especially since he said he’s been plotting for months and definitely had a vague plan during Mayhem, which is when Chase posing as Jack while Jack is comatose was revealed.

Anyways, TLDR; Don’t demonize Stacy, it’s gross and we have no justified reason to, only assumptions. But don’t demonize Chase either, because from all we’ve seen of him so far from BA and afterwards, he was only trying to make a dream career happen and his refusal to let that dream die killed his marriage. Both he and Stacy have their flaws here, so don’t demonize one or the other.

#jacksepticeye #chase brody

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ramblingguy54 · 5 years ago

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Louie & Della:The Tragedy Of Emotional Separation...

Wow, Timephoon certainly went in the direction I was expecting in a number of areas, but its execution genuinely surprised me with how controlled and focused Louie’s anger was toward Della’s “hypocrisy” when she verbally dressed him down for disrupting time itself, by stealing a time machine without realizing the severe consequences of what he’d done or greatly endangering the lives of all his family, basically. Like, I knew Louie would call her out, but the subtlety was beautifully tragic on display here. Goes to show how deeply conflicted Louie is at her for not lashing out severely, but the icy anger in his eyes when Della grounded him really hit me hard. Not to mention, she permanently shut down his business that he’s highly passionate about trying to make a reality, which no doubt easily pissed him off enough to throw a dagger back at her in spiteful attitude.

Before I continue any further, allow me to address the massive red flag that this was going to happen. Beakly called out Della’s flawed parenting style at this episode’s introduction of letting her kids do whatever they please because she believes them all to be sincere, sweet, and honest individuals, like how she and Donald were raised by Scrooge, overall. However, that’s an extremely naive mindset that Beakly civilly criticizes her on, a good couple of times, before things finally get too much for them to handle anymore with the time stream being a total colossal mess. Della, to an extent, is living in a day dream of her’s, where she thinks that parenting is so simple for her kids, but doesn’t realize just how troubled they actually are, yet. Especially for this poor green boy of her’s.

Beakly, you gotta let kids, be kids. Don’t sweat the small stuff!

Is this your parenting strategy or things you read off a bumper sticker?

As things escalate further and further, Della realizes Beakly was on point about toughening up her act as a parent having decided enough is enough, seeing how bad things have gotten at this worst case scenario they’re now in. Everyone is getting teleported to different time periods separately, along with danger everywhere in whats supposed to be their household, a safe haven.

Everything that she had been dreaming about returning to for the past ten years was now being put into danger of being hurt or worse, permanently killed if it escalated to a higher level. Knowing the possibility of it being Louie maybe, no doubt, gave her so much anxiety and stress to boot at the very notion that one of her kids wasn’t an honest/upstanding individual. Something that every parent or future one fears for their child’s future in general around our world.

Where’s your brother?

Where’s Louie!?

Della’s worst nightmares are right in front her now. The culprit behind screwing up everything potentially in her life is standing right there, caught red handed. Who almost could’ve ruined everything she worked so hard to get back into her life again.

Her own son...

Louie!

Della isn’t just mad. She’s beyond furious at Louie and herself, for not seeing the signs earlier that her child was up to no good, which could’ve made her lose the family she was separated from years back, on that fateful night of The Spear Of Selene tragedy. There’s no getting around the heavy consequences of Louie’s actions. No ifs, ands, or buts about it, for it was time for Della to do, like what Donald does, best in raising the kids. Give him the ultimate punishment, by taking away the source of this big problem, Louie Incorporated.

Absolutely adore the focus they gave on Della’s eyes here in the knight suit, as she clearly doesn’t like how hard she’s about to be on Louie, but knows there’s no other choice. Louie screwed up way worse than other attempts at getting rich before. It’s pretty dark, but the reality of it is Louie could’ve indirectly wiped away his family due to screwing around with the complicated laws of time travel. A simple family hug of symbolic forgiveness would only undermine the severity of Louie’s actions, period. Time travel, as shown in Last Christmas, is a dangerous power to mess with. You don’t fuck with it, ever.

I watched your brothers’ blink outta existence because you wanted a short cut to riches!

You took off in that contraption without thinking about the consequences or the people you would hurt!

Let’s take a moment to put ourselves in Louie’s shoes here. While, yes, Della’s obviously 100% right, Louie has always wanted his company to become a an actual thing. To see it taken away so quickly, by the person who you felt abandoned not only this family, but your own emotional needs, scarring you deeply? Yeah, he’s beyond pissed at her in this scene for, in his perspective, having the gull to act high and mighty when she’s no better, as far as Louie’s concerned. Look at all that conflicting anger on this poor kid’s face. He feels like everything is being crushed by someone, who wasn’t there for him and now decides to fire back in the most controlled bitter fashion Louie can possibly give Della Duck. All it takes is one simple line. It’s subtle, effective, and crushes me every time when I’m re-watching it for reference, as I type out this long, detailed, post of mine. Louie, I see so much of myself in you for how often I bottled my emotions up in my childhood, leading to deeply venomous remarks toward others, who don’t deserve it in the long run. I’m trying my damn hardest to fight back from getting teary eyed right now. The mature nuance of this scene is just that brilliant...

I wonder who I got that from...?

You see this face...? That’s the face of all Della’s PTSD, depression, and regrets coming back to haunt her mind in this very moment from her own kid she fought tooth and nail to get home to. Louie saw from “all the angles” to hurt her deeply, choosing this one phrase to crush her, as his own payback for hurting him.

Your little scheme to bypass the present almost cost us our future. This all stops now!

You are grounded! No schemes, no treasures, and Louie Incorporated is done. Understand!?

Frank, can I just say how much this heartbreaking, subtle, and nuanced episode means to me? Like, Christ, I can see so much of my emotional issues in Louie’s characterization here. It’s eerie, but also powerfully resonating on many layers for me. Timephoon gets nothing from me, but high praise. No one deserves to be spoiled on this powerful first part, kicking off more angst to come. I need to lay down and stare at the ceiling because it’s really got me thinking about my own childhood baggage. I’m truly at a loss for words currently.

This story was a masterpiece for Louie’s troubled emotional state.

#dt spoilers #the angst is very real #congrats frank you've left me speechless and i love you for it #ducktales timephoon!#ducktales spoilers #louie duck #della duck #timephoon #welp that did a number on me #that was powerful af

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revengerevisited · 4 years ago

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@noneofthismakessensetome KHUX is really hard to explain, and I don’t really understand it myself despite watching every update, but the most that I can glean from it is that it’s set in the past in a place called Daybreak Town, right before the Keyblade War. (How far in the past is unknown, not helped by the fact that time travels differently in each World, but it was definitely before Xehanort was born).

There was this guy named the Master of Masters, and he’s supposedly been fighting a war against darkness for a very long time. (No idea if that’s the elemental concept of darkness, or Darkness the character). He’s the person who invented Keyblades (or one of the people. KHUX is extremely vague and likes to throw little doubts in just to make you question everything), and he gathered six apprentices (all named after one of the Seven Deadly Sins). Luxu, aka Xigbar, is one of the six. The only other relevant one is Ava.

Five of these apprentices (not Luxu) become the Foretellers, leaders of these different Unions of ‘Keykids’ (which I don’t think is an official term, but that’s what the fandom calls them so I will too) who wield Keyblades against the Heartless to collect Lux (which is some sort of light energy). Each of them is also given a Chirithy Spirit created by the Master of Masters.

The Master of Masters, aka MoM, can see into the future, because he put his ‘eye’ into the Keyblade No Name (Master Xehanort’s Keyblade), as well as other Keyblades like Riku’s Way to the Dawn and Vanitas’s Void Gear (if that is the name of Vanitas’s Keyblade...). Because these ‘eyes’ exist in the future, the MoM is able to ‘see’ into the future, and writes all future events down in the Book of Prophecies. He then gives copies of the Book of Prophecies to the Foretellers (not Luxu), but leaves out a certain page. He then sows distrust through the five by telling them one of them is a traitor.

The Foretellers all mistrust each other, and through a chain of events this leads to the Keyblade War, where all the ‘Keykids’ kill each other and the World is rift apart. The only ones who survive are the Dandelions, a special group of ‘Keykids’ the MoM told Ava to form, who hide in a Data version of Daybreak Town. The Dandelions have their minds wiped of the Keyblade War by the Chirithies and believe they are in the real Daybreak Town, except for the five Union Leaders, who were chosen by the MoM and given Books of Prophecy by Ava (more on that in a second...).

In the latest KHUX update, the MoM says that it will take multiple lifetimes to defeat darkness (or Darkness), and this is probably why Luxu (Xigbar) has been hopping from body to body for all these years (centuries?). The MoM gave Luxu the Black Box (without telling him what’s inside) and No Name (to be passed down through the generations of Keyblade Wielders and eventually wind up with Xehanort before going back to Luxu). By having No Name be passed down into the future, the MoM can see through its ‘eye’ and write down future events.

So about the Union Leaders of the Dandelions, the ones the MoM told Ava to pick were Ephemer, Skuld, Brain, Lauriam (Marluxia), and Strelitzia. However, (as we saw with the most recent update) a shadowy being named Darkness killed Strelitzia and gave Ventus her copy of the Book of Prophecies instead. Ventus was in some kind of trance or had his memory wiped, and didn’t remember Strelitzia’s death until now.

Darkness has also been helping Maleficent, because for some reason after her defeat in KH1 she wound up in the past in Data Daybreak Town, and Darkness wants to help her get back to the future (KH2) with a time machine. (The time machine, called the Ark or the Lifeboat in different translations, is the same machine used by Terra-Xehanort to send five-year-old Kairi to Destiny Islands, although in that case she was transported through space, not time). It seems that Darkness wants some of the ‘Keykids’ (Ventus, Lauriam (Marluxia), Elrena (Larxene), and Skuld (who is probably Subject X)) to be transported to the future, and somehow Maleficent will serve as their Waypoint. (I don’t understand how time-travel in KH works, nor why Darkness wants to send the ‘Keykids’ to the future, but that’s the best explanation I can give).

Anyway, the whole murder mystery about ‘who killed Strelitzia?’ has been the biggest fandom mystery in KH for a long time (I’m talking like, three years). And unfortunately, it’s still not solved because it’s still not clear just who/what Darkness is. Some believe that Darkness is Ava, who is actually the ‘traitor’ trying to stop the MoM’s plan, because she believes his plan will end in the destruction of the World (which it kinda did). This is because Darkness takes the form of Ava to speak to Ventus after killing Strelitzia, and tells him that he’s a Union Leader (when really he’s the ‘imposter’). Ava is known to have the power of illusion, which is why some fans think she may have taken the form of Darkness to disguise herself. (Just a note on all this, I can’t remember exactly what all the fan-theories about Ava are, and I may have gotten something wrong here. But the basic gist is that some fans believe Ava is Darkness).

Then there’s the second theory, which unfortunately in my opinion is the more likely of the two. We know from Re:Mind that a being calling itself Darkness is hiding within Ven’s heart, and in KHUX Brain says that Darkness (or darkness) can hide inside people. Combine this with Vanitas’s speech to Ventus in Re:Mind, about how he and Ven ‘aren’t the same like he thinks’ and how he was just ‘hidden inside Ven until Xehanort tore him out’, it seems to imply that Vanitas is actually Darkness (or a piece of Darkness) who was hidden inside of Ven, and not the dark half of Ven’s heart like we’ve believed for the past decade. Basically, if this theory is true, it completely re-writes Vanitas’s entire character, motivations, and origins, while also retroactively making him a child-murderer, and I’m sure you all already know how I feel about that.

Now, literally nothing outside of Re:Mind implies that Vanitas is Darkness, and in fact the scene in the Keyblade Graveyard with Vanitas, Ventus, and Sora right after the scene in Re:Mind seems to contradict this theory, as well as every piece of material on Vanitas released both before and after Re:Mind including his character file, so this all may be just one big misunderstanding, but that doesn’t dissuade the fact that there is literally an entity calling itself Darkness inside Ven’s heart. I can’t even begin to imagine how it got there, unless 1. It’s Vanitas after returning to Ven’s heart after his defeat in BBS or 2. Darkness somehow got into Ven’s heart while he was sleeping in Castle Oblivion.

This is all pure fan-theory, but since the Vanitas in KH3 is a time traveling version of Vanitas from the past, it could be that the ‘real’ Vanitas is still living inside Ven’s heart (like how Roxas was still inside Sora’s heart), and if the ‘real’ Vanitas is now calling himself Darkness, then it’s possible that Vanitas was either lying about being half of Ventus this entire time or is only now just remembering his memories of being Darkness. Either way, if Vanitas really does turn out to be Darkness, then I can only imagine his entire personality will be overwritten by Darkness’s and Vanitas will basically cease to exist as a character. As in, he won’t just be dead, he’ll have never truly existed in the first place.

And that, my friends, is why I’ve been in a constant state of anxiety, stress, and depression for the past year, and the reason I haven’t updated A Heart and a Half, because I’m having trouble reconciling the Vanitas from the BBS Novel (an abused, neglected child manipulated from birth to be a weapon) with what is potentially his true identity as Darkness (an ancient, child-murdering demonic entity). Once again, it’s still just a fan-theory... But a very plausible fan-theory.

Anyway, the third theory is that Darkness isn’t secretly some other character, but instead is exactly what it says it is— a sapient amalgamation of the elemental force of darkness. Darkness tells Maleficent that she should think of it as an ‘old friend’, leading some to believe it’s someone Maleficent knows from the future. However, it could be that Darkness ‘knows’ Maleficent because it itself is the embodiment of elemental darkness, and Maleficent is a darkness-user. In that case, it could be said Darkness is a ‘friend’ to all people who use darkness.

Unfortunately, before anyone says this line of dialogue proves that Vanitas can’t be Darkness because Vanitas never met Maleficent, Vanitas did meet Maleficent... in the BBS Novel. In the BBS Novel, Maleficent asks Vanitas if he’s a ‘friend’ of Xehanort’s. Vanitas hesitantly says yes (because his abuser isn’t exactly a friend to him), simply because he and Xehanort are allies. He then asks Maleficent if she’s ‘friends’ with Xehanort, and she says yes (in the sense that they are allies). In this roundabout way, it could be construed that if Vanitas is Xehanort’s friend, and Maleficent is Xehanort’s friend, then that makes Vanitas Maleficent’s friend, which still fits in with the theory that Vanitas is Darkness if Darkness is Maleficent’s friend.

Even if we ignore the (technically non-canon) BBS Novel scenes of Xehanort kicking twelve-year-old Vanitas in the face and beating him with his Keyblade until he cried and leaving him isolated in a wasteland for weeks on end, and just go off of the games’ canon, the story of Ventus and Vanitas can still be seen as both literal and metaphorical child abuse, with Ven being the part of the victim who represses the trauma and Vanitas being the part of the victim who lashes out. Of course, if Vanitas does turn out to be Darkness, then he will be retconned from a victim into a scheming child-murderer just as evil as his abuser and the demon/abomination/empty creature that Xehanort always said he was! (Maybe that’s why Vanitas had such a mental breakdown in Re:Mind... he realized every horrible thing Xehanort ever told him about himself was true...). Which is why, as you can imagine, this theory causes me a lot of stress!

Anyway, that’s the story of KHUX and the reason why I turn into a big ball of anxiety every time a new update occurs. I literally wouldn’t care about KHUX at all if Ven wasn’t in it, but he is, and everything that happens to Ven in the past is something that will effect him and Vanitas in the future, whether Vanitas is confirmed to be Darkness or not. We now know that Ven has had even more trauma forced upon him than he’d had with Xehanort, and I now have a suspicion that the reason Ven refused to create the X-Blade by using the darkness in his heart in the BBS flashback scenes was because he remembered what darkness and/or Darkness did to Strelitzia.

I really can’t imagine why Ven is in KHUX other than to connect him to this Darkness character in some way. Some fans still claim that Ven is the one who killed Strelitzia because they think he was ‘possessed’ by Darkness, but it seems pretty clear that Darkness was the culprit while Ven just stood there in a trance. Even so, I suspect that Ven blames himself for what happened anyway, even though it wasn’t his fault. I don’t know how this will play out with the future/current Ven. Is he suddenly going to remember his past and think he killed Strelitzia? Why? For the angst? Is he going to realize that Vanitas is (or is a part of) Darkness and therefore the murderer of some random girl Ven barely knows? Is Darkness just going to pop out of Ven when he’s in the Realm of Darkness with Aqua and Terra and... I don’t even know. Fight him? Gloat? Enact his evil scheme of destroying the World because you see, Vanitas never really wanted his light back, he never really wanted friends (page 378 of the BBS Novel), he was lying the entire time! Yes, he’s totally this evil monster who just wants to kill people because he’s evil~!

...Alright, I’ll stop. But seriously, I don’t know where this story is headed, guys. This update basically had the MoM tell us to stop trying to figure things out or theorize and that we shouldn’t want to know everything that’s going to happen, so who knows. Next update might throw us a curveball and reveal Darkness was secretly... idk Pete the entire time. He’s Maleficent’s friend! Or maybe it’s just Xehanort again, who knows. I just feel... really tired of KH, and I don’t really know where I’m going to go from here. Hopefully this is the last time I rant about this subject, though, because I really feel like I’ve already said all there is to say.

I want to finish A Heart and a Half, but I also feel hampered by everything that might happen with Vanitas. I also feel like managing my Tumblr blogs is causing me too much stress and distracting me from doing other things (including writing my fanfics), so I’ve been thinking of putting them both on a more ‘permanent’ hiatus after their queues run out sometime later this month. I dunno how everyone would feel about that, though, nor how long that hiatus would be. I’d certainly miss talking to everyone, and you guys make me smile whenever I get a comment or a question from you all! But I also feel like I need to focus on my health (both physical and mental) and work on things that don’t involve social media. I guess I just need a little more time to think about it.

#rant #rambles #stress #khux spoilers

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scatterpatter · 5 years ago

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[ROUGH DRAFT] Corren’s Backstory

Okay so i REALLLY stress the “rough draft” part because I need to run this by my dm and he’ll probably need me to make changes, but this is the general idea so far- granted its worded for him and the group who know the story already rather than for like a new player, so sorry if a lot of things are out of context XD

JAZZ THIS IS SPOILERS SO IF I CATCH YOU READING THIS ILL FITE U >:(

Content Warnings: Death, emotional and physical abuse, violence, depression

Life for Corren was pretty par for the course for a Marelienth child. He lived with his father, mother, and 2 older siblings in a somewhat large town known as Warrencrest. Warrencrest was a town nestled in the Thistlepoint mountain range- a range named for the thistle-bearing plants that lined the edges of the trails. Many adventurers traveling through the mountain range wouldn’t take the trail through Warrencrest, so the city did not see many travelers. Of course travelers and adventurers weren’t rare, but the town was mostly made of Marelienth residents.

Growing up, Corren was the youngest of three siblings- his brother Julian being the middle child and his sister Mila being the eldest of the bunch. Mila and Julian were very close in age, though Corren was considerably younger. Despite this, they were as close as siblings could be- even building a tree house on their property. Most in his town practiced spellcasting in one way or another- and that followed to his family. Julian was a necromancer, and Mila was an Evoker. Due to a lack of visitors and adventurers, there were often all sorts of jobs and mini-quests posted for townsfolk to take to earn some extra cash.

Julian and Mila were definitely the adventuring types, always taking jobs to help provide for the family when not working their usual jobs. They loved every minute of it, and they’d do it full-time if they didn’t have a family to help provide for. Corren was far too young to accompany them, since many quests involved either fighting enemies and monsters or some other form of treachery, but they let him tag along on more tame quests such as deliveries or escorts. They were both so kind and happy to have him tag along, and he wanted to be just like them when he grows up.

… But things couldn’t be perfect forever. When Corren was about the Marelienth equivalent of a pre-teen, Mila got sick. It didn’t seem serious at first, but her condition slowly began to deteriorate. No one knew exactly what this illness was nor where she contracted it, but many believe she contracted it on one of her adventures with Julian. Healers in Warrencrest did whatever they could to help save her, but for whatever reason, they couldn’t. She died in their home.

Julian and Corren were understandably devastated upon losing their big sister, and neither really knew how to cope. The day she died, they spent the entire afternoon in their treehouse, just hugging each other close and not saying a word, crying in each other’s arms. … Though, Julian was a grief-stricken young adult with a focus in necromancy. That never ends well. That night, while everyone else was sleeping, Julian snuck to where they kept Mila’s body… and attempted to use his magic to resurrect her. One cannot truly resurrect a corpse unless they are level 20, and Julian was far from 20, but that didn’t stop him.

Corren woke to the sound of screaming, rushed over to where the noise had come from- only to find his sister’s corpse, still fresh and beginning to rot… attacking his brother. Mila was not herself anymore, she was a mindless undead creature with the mind of a cornered animal. Corren watched in horror as his parents rushed over to help Julian and ultimately kill the creature that was once Mila. Being only one undead creature, the battle itself wasn’t hard, but it looked too much like Mila for anyone to willingly bring more harm than necessary to it. The battle quickly ended and she was laid to rest a final time.

This was the last straw for their parents, though. They chewed Julian out for being so reckless and for essentially desecrating their daughter’s corpse. As things escalated they eventually kicked Julian out of their home forever, unofficially banishing him from the town. Corren attempted to protest, but no one listened to him. As they were throwing him out, Julian caught one last look at his little brother and shouted “We’ll meet again, this isn’t goodbye forever!” and, as a physical reminder of this promise, threw a pendant to Corren. The pendant was nothing special- a simple amethyst wrapped with copper wiring on a chain, but Julian would always wear it, and now it belonged to Corren.

To this day, they still haven’t found each other. Julian could be long dead for all Corren knows. He has no leads on where his brother could have possibly ended up.

The next few years were the hardest. Being the Marelienth equivalent of a teenager, he now had to truly focus on studying and magic, and his parents became extremely strict with him now that he was the only child of theirs that wasn’t dead or disowned. They forbade him from any questing, as they believe that’s what killed Mila, but they also forbade anything to do with necromancy, as that’s what Julian specialized in and they didn’t want Corren to turn into someone like that. They pressured him into various “safe” schools of magic, to which Corren eventually decided on Chrono-Busting.

Over the years, the tree that their childhood treehouse rested upon grew old and began to rot, and one storm brought winds high enough that made the tree topple altogether. The treehouse was ruined and unsalvageable, and as Corren stared at the wreckage that once brought him so much joy, he felt that last pit of childhood innocence fade from his soul. He kept to his studies, completely absorbing himself in books to try and distract himself from the vast emptiness he felt inside himself. As he learned how to properly cast Rope Trick, he found the room he was brought to could be molded to look like anything he wanted… … Of course, it was that tree house. It was still empty and depressing without his siblings, but at least it gave him good memories to cling to.

… Though, he still kept the small amethyst pendant that Julian gave him. He simply couldn’t hate his brother, no matter how much his parents tried to convince him of how awful his brother was. He still looked up to Julian and still aspired to be like him… maybe without the whole “messing up in trying to revive their dead sister” part. He couldn’t help himself, as he started to study necromancy on the side, learning a few spells in that field. He knew what he was doing was wrong, but… he simply couldn’t help himself.

One night, however, his father caught him practicing his necromancy, and things quickly went south. Corren admittedly doesn’t remember much about what happened that night, it was a blur. All he remembers is there was a lot of yelling- mainly from his father- him trying to explain himself, his father grabbed something from the desk, a sudden movement- and next thing he knew, Corren was on the floor, a dull throbbing in his head as he only saw red from his right eye. Time felt like it slowed down from there- he wasn’t sure if it was from the adrenaline or the fact that he was studying how to manipulate time itself, but it was just enough to act before he got hurt any worse. He didn’t mean to cast a magic missile… it just… happened. To be honest, to this day he’s unsure if he killed his father or simply wounded him, because once he hurt his own parent he knew there was no going back. Panicking, he took the amethyst necklace, a cloak to shield him from the elements, and ran.

He knew he wouldn’t survive a winter in the Thistlepoint range without a proper shelter, so his first order of business was to get away from the mountains and flee to a town with a more temperate climate. As he was crossing one river, he spotted his reflection in the water and realized why his vision in his right eye had gone wonky: whatever he got hit with was sharp, and left a good scar across his eye. Great, now he looks like a criminal too. But it was something he’d have to live with. His vision returned to normal within a few weeks which was good, though of course he still needed glasses.

The next few years he just spent on the run, hopping from town to town. He never stayed in one place too long, as he didn’t want to raise any suspicion and for people to find out he was a runaway from a town he could potentially be wanted in. He absolutely hated this life, he hated feeling like a criminal, he hated how afraid he was to be found out and forced back home, he hated how he barely scraped by… and he hated being alone. He missed Mila. He missed Julian. … At least his scar slowly healed over the years, to the point where most don’t notice. At least he didn’t look like a criminal anymore.

One day, going between towns, he ran into the city of Lilenthemar. The story he told the residents there was that he was some kind of refugee from the Crescenfall area. Luckily they seemed to trust him and his story enough to allow him to stay a while, so that became his temporary home. … One day, though, he ran into an interesting fellow by the name of Jethro Mosen. He doesn’t even remember how they began talking, especially since Corren was far from the social type. Yet- something just clicked. He found himself conversing with this man, avoiding as much about his own story as he could but rather focusing on who he currently was. Though, Jethro seemed to have picked up on something, and began asking more… intellectual questions. It felt as though he was being quizzed… but Corren didn’t study magic and history for years for nothing, so he answered everything with ease.

Then… Jethro smiled. No one had smiled at him like that since he was a child. Before he could question it, Jethro offered to hire him as a historian for the Mosen household. Corren couldn’t believe what he was hearing. To be offered a job and a place to stay- and to offer that to a stranger? There had to be some kind of catch, right? Jethro explained that whatever his story was, he was clearly qualified. Maybe it was obvious that Corren was currently homeless and jobless, to be offered a position on the spot, but… how could he say no?

And that’s what lead him to live in Lilenthemar as he aged into adulthood. He had a job that paid for food, a shelter to keep him warm, a place far from Warrencrest… And most importantly, he had Jethro. Someone who took him in and cared for him, seeming not to care about who he used to be but rather who he is now, and was so much more than an employer, he was a friend. He was even the only person that Corren had ever told his true backstory to, and despite being a runaway criminal, Jethro was so understanding and non-judgemental to his situation. Some may think that his feelings towards his employer are romantic, and honestly Corren himself doesn’t really know what he feels for Jethro… but all he knows is that for the first time in many years, he didn’t feel completely empty anymore.

The next few years he remembered what it was like to feel happy. He grew his magical skills, still mostly chrono-based but with his typical dash of necromancy. He learned to handle firearms to defend himself if magic couldn’t suffice. He began a collection of books that quickly grew into full library now that he didn’t have to be on the run with minimal possessions anymore. He even wrote a few books based on his studies, mainly focusing on the Menoa tree. He spent much of his time studying the magical properties of this place, albeit a bit frustrated that he couldn’t ever seem to activate these supposed magical properties. He kept the amethyst pendant all these years and almost never took it off, though he usually wears it underneath his clothing to protect it, so it’s rare for anyone to actually see it. He spent much of his time with Jethro, offering to help out with chores or housekeeping whenever not doing his usual historian tasks. He would find just about any excuse to have bonding time with the other, but why wouldn’t he? He may not have been this exciting adventurer that he wanted to be when he was a child… but he had a stable life that treated him well, which is more than what most of his adolescence offered.

But then… he met the F.U.C.K.s, as Jericho was Jethro’s son and the crew needed escort to the Menoa tree. Corren was more than willing to help someone of the Mosen family, so he didn’t mind giving them escort at all. Though… they quickly revealed themselves to be so much more than a typical group of adventurers. The Menoa tree immediately reacted to their presence, putting them through a series of trials before bestowing a magical weapon to Jericho. And yet… they hardly reacted, as if this was normal to them. Corren… admittedly had a meltdown in front of them, he’ll admit it, yet he just couldn’t wrap his head around who the hell these people were! Who just shows up, activates a magical tree, accepts a magical object from said tree, then turns around and leaves like that isn’t a huge deal?! Yeah, no, that was enough excitement for him. He escorted them back and told them how to get to their next destination… then he took a goddamn nap. He was so done with that crazy shit.

… Yet, he couldn’t quite forget them as easily as he wanted to. There was something so familiar about them… and then it clicked. They were just like Julian. Loud, dorky, rushing head-first into adventure, and not questioning how crazy life was for them. He nearly forgot what living life as an adventurer could be like, since that was something he gave up in favor of a stable life. He did whatever he could to distract himself from these thoughts, yet they never failed to creep back.

One day, while with Jethro, they both received the news that Jericho and company were going to war. Not just any war, the war against the Scabbards- Corren was lucky enough to have never run into them before, but he heard the stories over what they were capable of. They both knew this wasn’t going to be an easily-won war, and many would die in its wake. Jethro was worried about his son, and could Corren blame him? They weren’t fighters, though, so all they could do was sit back and wait for news- good or bad. … Unless?

To this day he didn’t know what came over him, but Corren offered to go and assist Jericho, doing whatever he can to keep him and his party alive. He came up with every excuse to go: he was a historian and wanted to witness this historical event, he was a skilled spellcaster who could help the party when need be, he had a sniper rifle and pistol to use when not using magic, so on and so forth. Something was pushing him to join and help… and he had a feeling Jethro could see that, considering how willingly he allowed Corren to go.

And that’s how he rushed to the city of Joshua as fast as he could. Admittedly, he was pretty late in the game, considering how the walls came down and just how many either evacuated or lied dead on the ground. But he knew who he was here for, and he was determined to catch up to them… of course he tripped the moment they saw him. Of course. But he was relieved to see that everyone in the party was still alive. It took some convincing, but they let him tag along and offer whatever help he could.

This had to be the worst place to begin adventuring- right near the climax of a brutal war? Well, things were never easy for Corren, so he gladly took on the challenge. Maybe it was rude to feel so exhilarated when so many were dying around him, but hey, he’s part-necromancer, death is far from foreign to him. But what made his heart race more than anything was the party he was with. They were brave and strong, inspiring and kind, even if annoying and confusing at times- they were just like Julian. In every action they took, in every enemy they slain, he saw his brother. He saw his brother in each and every one of them. He’d never admit it, but he was quickly growing endeared to them- he didn’t really know what he was doing, but he knew that it was right.

All he has to do is try and prevent these dorks from getting killed.

...

No pressure or anything.

#my fics #...?#rough draft #Corren #dnd oc #this is just- the general idea of what i wanted for him #mainly 1- why he likes necromancy and 2- why hes so closed off emotionally and 3- why hed wanna help the crew

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mentally-ill-student · 5 years ago

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I watched Joker (2019) at an airport and cried twice

The character Arthur Fleck hit a bit too close to home. Like, in a personal sense. My life story, in a nutshell, is very similar to his, except the poverty, violence, and the pseudobulbar affect.

In short, my mom divorced my biological father because he cheated on her when she was pregnant, and then started seeing another man when I was in elementary school. She was depressed because of the stress of the relationship and joked that we (her and I) should jump out of our 12th-floor apartment window.

The second man she married did not hit me, unlike my grandmother and her. However, their marriage dissolved and, according to them, it was because of how much he disliked me. I was fine with someone I didn’t know saying whatever, but I was not fine with my mom telling me the same. I really liked her and, to my naivety, trusted her. She neglected my mental wellbeing and was verbally abusive, and I thought her words true. I started falling into depression and became very suicidal.

She divorced the second man. I was, and still am, extremely suicidal. She could not understand me and often laughed or appeared uncaring when I was in emotional distress. I thought of murdering her several times and once held a knife in my hand and told her that if she didn’t stop talking, I’d stab her with it.

Arthur truly loved his mom and put his heart into being a comedian, a clown who makes people laugh. He liked Murray Franklin’s show for its light humor and the host’s amicable persona, which he mistook for real.

When I was a kid, I liked making people laugh too, whether it had been my grandparents or my mom. I wrote her cards for mother’s day and once gave her a flower that I got from asking my elementary teacher if I could regift it. I stopped doing it when I wrote her one to ask her to not cry (she was weeping on the phone about her relationship troubles with the second man), and she gave me a blank look. I realized, at that moment, that my words couldn’t change much. I had never written another card after that, or gifted anyone anything for any occasion.

I stopped remember other people’s birthdays and thought suicidal thoughts every time mine came by for experiences similar to that.

I was hyper fixated on a particular Youtuber back then. I kept on having fixations on fictional characters and TV personas that I relate to.

Arthur’s mom adopted him and made him suffer physical abuse from her ex-boyfriend, including his head trauma. I also realized that my mental illness was from my mom’s verbal abuse, years later. I then told her my suicidal thoughts and she said that she shouldn’t have given birth to me and that I should just kill myself.

He suffocated his mom with a pillow because at that moment he had nothing left. I had my freedom to lose, my academic studies. He climbed into a fridge after Thomas Wayne called his mom delusional and punched him in the face, I laid down on the grass in a windy night the day before yesterday after I had gotten an 84 on my lab report. It was fucking freezing, but that was the point. I cried under the stars in the all-engulfing cold.

I had two t-shirts, a jacket, and a pair of jeans on, and I had the strange want to be out there with only shorts and a t-shirt, completely exposed to the numbing temperature and the wind cutting into my skin.

He just wanted some kindness, for someone to treat him with respect. He hallucinated a person and a relationship with her, my best friend took her similarly abusive’s mom’s side instead of mine and every friendship I’ve had after that I couldn’t take seriously.

A journal I wrote near the end of the last year documented the same struggle-- in exact words.

I’ve had violent thoughts, but I’ve never enacted them. There were possibilities to say or do some things I couldn’t take back, but I didn’t. I cried instead. I thought I was a coward, and I might be one, although that would be the debate in Arthur’s head, too: Am I a coward or a better person?

Is it better to be a coward than to be someone who hurts others? Even if they deserved it, even if I were the hero in my own story? Even if I’ve tried harder to be a good person and worked harder than the rest of them because of my mental illness?

I can’t choose Arthur’s choice. I can’t be that person. I have the unfortunate feeling that that person is who I really am, but I’d rather kick myself in the shins until I've got a broken tibia than to start planning for destruction.

I’d rather write edgy notes and publish them on dubious journaling websites than to admit it to a therapist. I’d rather be a begrudging student than to be someone truly motivated for an entirely different reason.

I can’t submit to nihilism the same reason I can’t figure out what love is if not responsibility. I believe that it’s easier to destroy than to create, that to trust your emotions is a stupid decision, and that responsibility should be mutual.

It’s possible these are not my real principles. I have the comfort of a middle-class family and a fairly okay education by my side, and I would not know the person I would be without these resources.

I bet that person would still walk into glass panes as I did in a classmate’s house, and she’d work even harder to overcome the loneliness, the teasing, scathing commentary in her head telling her that nobody gives a fuck, you are worth nothing, everyone else is a fucking idiot for liking you.

But maybe she’d hurt others without restraint, lash back as she laughs, flip off shame as if it were a friendly face. Maybe she truly wouldn’t care.

Maybe she’d be free, then, when she’s the person I’m afraid to be.

"Just be yourself,” she says, “I hear they all say you are a nice gal, aren’t you?”

#the canary sings #my response to her would be but i'd rather be funny and nice #bc we all know otherwise nice is just another word for 'i don't know you well enough to comment'#funny is for 'i also don't know you but at least you make me laugh'

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lk-mitogen · 6 years ago

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mental health rant

A friend of mine had an explosive breakdown at work today, and he got into a lot of trouble for it (he yelled at an R4 and an external doctor, both of which are...wayyyyyy higher up in rank than we are lmao, we’re at the bottom rung or lower). Talking to him and his girlfriend and another friend individually, I got the gist of why he did it -- his parents are divorcing, he has financial issues because of it, he’s lost faith in becoming a pediatrician and now has no idea who he wants to be, we work under insane pressure every day and no one gives a shit except when we fuck up, etc etc -- and I remembered me in my first year and a bit of med school, how I was just like that, because my own parents were divocing and it was hellish, and people came to know me as “that person who’s always fighting with the teachers” because I didn’t give a shit who you were, if you were wrong I told you and gave you twenty citations to back up my opinion, and it was just disruptive and offensive and it absolutely made me no allies.

He wasn’t wrong to get angry, to get irritated, but there are ways of expressing it that are better and more productive, but the reason I can tell that is because I’m in a better place now.

And like, he’s not the only one. My best medical school friend had a prolonged breakdown from last year until very recently, and it manifested as panic attacks and fainting spells and she would literally tell me “I have to get fresh air” and leave me alone in the emergency room with 20 patients because she just couldn’t handle it anymore, and I hated her a little bit for it, not gonna lie, she abandoned me when I really fucking needed someone to help me over and over and over, even in the middle of a goddamn surgery once, but I understood, I got it, and she got help and she’s better now, and she’s an impeccable doctor, whipsmart and attentive, I’d consult her anyday.

And like, this guy’s girlfriend has lately been complaining about nonspecific abdominal symptoms, and she keeps wanting to find a medical explanation for it, but I know it’s psychological, because she’s dealing with the same stress we’re all under PLUS her boyfriend is going absolutely nuts and in a violent way, it’s not the first time he yells at people when he’s frustrated, it’s just the first time he did it to people high enough and emotionally alien enough to him to report the shit out of him for it, and she’s his onlly emotional support, he’s the kind of boyfriend who would say “if you leave me I’ll kill myself”, so good luck with that sort of insane pressure, even if you have enough money to pay for your own transportation and food without difficulties like some other people have.

Another friend keeps sleeping in, she just can’t get up, I keep telling her put!! an alarm!! earlier!!! and she swears she does, but she says she can’t help herself from turning it off, because she “self-sabotages”, and it’s so!! fucking!!! frustrating!!!! because again, she leaves me to handle the 6:45 am handoff alone every. single. day. because she can’t get up and she arrives at 7:20 am with coffee and an apology and I gotta grit my teeth and bear it, because I GET IT, i really really do, she’s under a lot of stress and it manifests as self-sabotage, like, boy do I get it, I’ve been there, so I try to be kind and understanding and patient but. My god. I legit tune her out now whenever she starts apologizing because I’m 99.999% sick of it. And like! She’s a great doctor! Her bedside manner is A++ I admire her so much for it, and she genuinely cares for our patients, even the worst of the lot, I really wish I had her empathy (only not really because that’s where her self-destructive tendencies come from, I think). Basically, she’s a great person, just. Man. Wake the fuck up on time, PLEASE.

And this other guy, another part of our team, is a total flake, he keeps manifesting nonspecific symptoms like MY JAW HURTS I GOTTA GET MY WISDOM TEETH PULLED OUT!! one day and MY ABDOMEN HURTS I CANT COME TO WORK I THINK I HAVE APENDICITIS!!! and fucking shit like this every goddamn week it’s something new, and he’s on so many different medications for depression and anxiety and sleeping and staying awake and he’s gained easily 20 kilograms this year and I feel for him, I really do, his life is spiraling out of control and he’s clawing the walls all the way down to rock bottom, and I can see it, everyone can see it, but he’s too flakey to ever get anyone on his side, and part of me wants to tell him, buddy, take a sabbatical, but the problem is, he already took one so he can’t take another, and he’s burned me too many times and not reciprocated emotionally enough for me to reach out and help him, because I will drown right alongside him at the rate he’s going.

And then my other friend!! Whom I care about! A lot!! she’s also super empathic and kind but. SHE IS. SO GODDAMN SLOW. AT EVERYTHING. In the time it takes me to see 6 patients and write their SOAP notes she’s done one, and she’s not the sharpest tool in the box, she sometimes suggests treatments that are...not the correct ones, and so I gotta go and help her out, talk it through with her so she doesn’t heck it up, and she’s super cool about it! But!!! SO GODDAMN SLOW!!!!! PLEASE! LEARN TO BE MORE EFFICIENT!!! Even though I know it’s all a symptom of burnout, too, even I’m not cold-hearted enough to not realize it.

We’re all just. Shambling through this year, trying our best, and our best manifests in different ways when under stress, sometimes it’s just showing up to work. Sometimes it’s just managing to write the note, even if it takes you hours. Sometimes it’s asking your buddy if they can cover you so you can go cry in the bathroom for five minutes and then come back. We’re all doing our absolute best to be here and attentive and empathic, and I am really proud of everyone, but I’m also really sick of being the most sane person on the team. A selfish childish part of me is like, I WANNA HAVE MY BREAKDOWN TOO DAMNIT!! But I’m too old for it, and I’ve trained myself quite well to handle my meltdowns in efficient ways, productive ways, so I can get back on the horse quickly and in a stable manner. I’m proud of me for that too, but it does get tiring, having all parts of my team leaking anxiety and depression and stress in psychosomatic ways.

So I’m going to give in to my desire right now and have a very condensed breakdown rant and hopefully get all my high octane frustration out in one go, and then parse it out once it’s text.

For the past 10 months I’ve lived through the best and worst of people. I’ve given folks CPR to the point where their ribs break under my hands, I’ve had to fist a lady’s inverted uterus back into place in the most body horror moment of my life, I legit feared for my life when this dude going through withdrawal physically threatened me, I’ve delivered an extremely deformed baby with gastroschisis manually and their guts were spilling over my hands and though it didn’t die in my arms it died about ten minutes later in mom’s and it was sad as FUCK, I’ve had 13 12 11 and 10 year old girls delivering babies because their brother cousin uncle foster dad abused them and abortion is illegal in my stupid fucking hyper catholic state and this is a never ending cycle cause mom was 14 when they had them and on and on and on, and this other time I was the only fucking doctor at a public hospital once during an overnight shift and I had to suture this guy’s toes back on having 0 prior experience suturing ANYTHING and they fell right off the next day because I didn’t know what the FUCK I was doing and I still feel fucking awful about that, and at that same fucking hospital some IDIOT put formaldehyde in a saline solution bottle and this poor surgical nurse accidentally poured it into some poor patient’s open abdominal cavity IN FRONT OF ME and the fucking suction didn’t work because that public hospital is a piece of SHIT and that patient totally died and the resident told the family it had been something else and I WAS THERE and it was BULLSHIT, and COUNTLESS other horrible, truly horrible, absolutely horrible things, and I’ve tried to take all of that shit and learn something from it, make something good come out of so much, so much, SO MUCH awful, and I’ve patiently, patiently, patiently tried to tolerate my collegue’s breakdowns, and their eternal lateness, and the residents yelling at me, and the external doctors telling us we’re never going to be anything worthy, and I think I’ve been doing a good job of it, to be honest, at this point I feel like I’ve become this politely smiling shell of myself to survive it, because a part of me feels like I’m living in an alternate dimension where morality and ethics and laws no longer exist, because they simply do not apply anymore, someone has just taken all of that important stuff and dismissed it to be kindergarden stuff, and I gotta nod and go with it or else I’m going to be my friend saying “i need air” and leaving, or “i self sabotage like this” and sleeping in, or “i think my wisdom tooth is aching” and taking the day off or just, simply, EXPLODING at everyone until they kick me out, and like

a big part of me is MOURNING the fact that I’ve become like this, that THIS is what becoming a doctor means in my country, that THIS is the type of formation they require of us. This horrible automaton of a person, that is a symbol of so much goodness but underneath it it’s all lawless shit, it’s all under the water shit, it’s all cover everyone’s fuck ups type shit. I hate it. I hate what I’m becoming. This person that can talk about all this and kind of go “yeah, I guess it’s objectively awful, but have I told you about [this even more awful event]?” because if you play that game there’s always a worse story, there’s always lower, and lower, and LOWER.

I’ll always be glad I chose to study this career, for all it’s morphed me into something I never wished to be. Because I can wade in these muddy rotten waters and help my friends and my family navigate it, I can help strangers and underprivileged people navigate it, I can help all of them from my insider privileges, to make their experience better than it would have been without me, more efficient, more smooth, more right, correct, lawful. I can’t help everyone, and I’m human and I’ll fuck up now and again too, because I’m learning, but I know, firm in my heart, that wherever I go it will be better that I was there than if I wasn’t.

Even if it’s just because the bar is so fucking low it’s difficult not to do better, believe you me, a lot of my colleagues are so fucking burnt out that they somehow still do it worse, and I’ve seen it in external doctors as well.

I’ll take all of these horrible awful no good experiences and I’m going to do better, I’m already better, I will make people have a better experience when they are going through the worst parts of their lives. Even if I had to mess myself up a lot to survive it, I think it’s worth it to spend this one life of mine doing this. I really really do.

#doodle diary #tho no doodles this time

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spiritualtacticscom · 4 years ago

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10 Ways to Nurture Your Soul

Spiritual Tactics 10 Ways to Nurture Your Soul

What are we dealing with?

Nurturing your soul is as important as nurturing your body. Now you must be wondering what exactly it means to nurture soul. Or most importantly what is soul? Does the soul exist? Or is it just a myth? We all have a lot of questions stuffed up in our brains. The questions that no one addresses, or the questions we have no answers to. Like a phenomenon that cannot be explained.

Does the soul exist?

If someone cannot explain anything, does not mean it is not there. Or it does not exist. Like our “soul”, we cannot feel it through our five senses. We cannot see it, smell it, hear it, taste it or touch it. But the thing is that sometimes our good sense does say there is something there.

The inside voice, spirit, subconscious, call it what you want but it is indeed there. No one can deny its existence. We can take a peek into all the big religions of the world. And we will find the traces of the existence of soul. If that is not sufficient for you, just close your eyes and ask yourself. I am sure you will get an answer. And after getting that answer you must know about the ways to nurture your soul.

What does the soul require?

Once you are a definite believer of the existence of the soul. You have to take the next step and get to know what it wants. Obviously everything that has an existence has some requirements. Everything has a life cycle. So how can soul not have it? Definitely it does need something to be normal and healthy and you must take care of its needs.

Today I would like to share with you the best ten ways to nurture your soul. When it comes to the requirements of the soul, many ideas cross our minds. You must be wondering how you can nurture something that is invisible. Indeed it is invisible but it makes you aware of its existence at all times. I am going to tell you how to nurture your soul.

Some Common Beliefs:

Science actually speechless on the topic of soul. Or its existence for that matter. But some Pseudo-Scientists have researched on it and they are positive about its existence. Every religion has its own beliefs about the soul. Some religions believe man is nothing and his soul is what really makes him man.

Some religions take a neutral perspective. While there are some that give no weightage to soul. But most of the religions, scientists are positive on its existence. Regardless of which religion you belong to, it extremely important for you to realize how important it is to nurture your soul.

Why is nurturing your soul important?

It is extremely important for you to nurture your soul. Life is so stressful, busy and fast. In this century you can hardly spare an hour or two for yourself. Maybe you eat well, diet and exercise side by side. But all this would not be able to give the best results until and unless your soul is healthy, happy and satisfied.

You might have a hectic job and it does not allow you to give a thought to your soul. And that would just add to your distress and hurdles. On the other hand you might be born with a silver spoon in your mouth. But despite having everything, you may feel there is something missing. People might feel that they are incomplete. They might feel irritated, annoyed and empty. They might feel a thorn piercing them all the time.

All these different people, coming off of different backgrounds need to know and understand what is it that bothers them? If you identify it on time, you might save yourself from a lot of pain. Otherwise they will continue to suffer despite having everything someone could ever ask for. So it is extremely important to know how you can nurture your soul.

10 ways to nurture your soul:

So let me get you on a roller coaster ride and tell you how you can nurture your soul. Here are 10 best ways to nurture your soul:

Some kind of madness:

People would mostly want you to be serious and classy. And what other freaky names they would like to give to kind of attitude. Know that this drains the life out of you completely. My friend, do not kill that little kid inside you. Do mad things sometimes. Be mischievous, kick someone’s ass and have a big laugh. Some of this madness is an absolute necessity to keep you going and nurturing your soul.

Solitude:

Another way to nurture your soul is to ask it exactly what it wants. It is quite possible that it just needs you to be alone for a while. Away from all the hustle and bustle of your city. Just focus on your heartbeat. Or breathing or anything and be alone for a while. Trust me your mind will be so calmed out with this exercise. It is so intoxicating that you might get addicted to it after a while. Know that creating your own space is an important part of nurturing your soul.

Laughing date:

Spare some time from your everyday stuff and go on a laughing date. You might need a bit of laughing to feed your soul. Laughing is not just important to nurture your soul. But it also helps you physically and mentally. When you mind and soul are filled, it is a rebirth trust me!

Sometimes talking to yourself:

Another way to ask your soul what it wants is to talk to it. Just go out in a serene place. Ask yourself. Talk to yourself. Talk to your soul. Not only will you start to hear something. But you will also make great progress on self-realization. Self-realization as well as self-talk definitely nurture your soul.

Daydreaming:

Daydreaming sounds very fictional and out of a Disney world. But it actually is a great aid to your damaged soul. Try daydreaming and you will feel happier, lighter and a lot more active in your everyday tasks. Try it, it will nurture your soul for sure.

Music:

They say: “Music is the food of Soul”. Believe me if you start listening to a calm and slow music track, you will feel your mind and body relaxing. Why do you feel so? Because music feeds your soul. And when our soul’s belly is filled up with this yummy music you feel good, too good. J

Dancing:

Dancing itself is a work of art. And any kind of art feeds the soul. Even if you are not a professional dancer, does not mean you cannot try doing it. Just put some music on. Dance to the rhythm. Every step will indulge you more and more and it will definitely nurture your soul.

Little acts of kindness:

Being kind always gives you peace. When you help someone out, be kind to them, your soul is fed. Little acts of kindness such as feeding a poor one. Or offering your jacket to a beggar will actually nurture your soul.

Hiking:

Hiking is something that is not just healthy for your body but it also helps your soul. When you start off this exercise, it might look like a lot of work for you. But if you continue to do so you will think it as a piece of cake. And who knows one day you might be able to climb Mount Everest.

Plan a Trip :

A trip is always refreshing. A little change always boosts you up. Surprisingly it’s not just a healthy tip. But it also nurtures your soul. So pack up, let’s go on a trip!

Some Bonus Tips to nurture your soul:

Yes, as promised I explained the 10 best ways to nurture your soul. But there are so many more ways. So here are some bonus tips, my treat for all the readers. Let us begin:

Volunteering:

You should always volunteer in work, at office or school or at home. Volunteering helps improve your concentration. It keeps you on point and ultimately focused and the bonus is that it nurtures your soul.

Noticing Nature:

Nature always has very soothing effects on your personality. The sad part is that our busy life prevents us from acknowledging and relishing the nature. But if you can manage it, it is food for your soul, music to your ears and peace to your heart.

Being Creative:

You can do something creative. You can draw or paint or write or do poetry. If not this you can just bring some newness in your everyday word. In whatever way you find best. It is a very good way to nurture your soul.

Baking:

Try baking some cookies, a cake or cute cupcake. Just do it and see how it calms you. It is a divergence, a very good one. It brings a smile on the faces of your family and you. And the bonus is that it nurtures your soul.

Living not spending:

We always think that now is not the right time to enjoy. So we keep on denying ourselves the little pleasures of life. But the thing you must do is learn to live your life. Don’t just spend it and waste it. Finding happiness in your everyday work will nurture your soul.

Read Don’t Try to Avoid Shadow Work: Tips and Tricks to Make Your Spiritual Journey That Much Easier

Saying no to Delusions:

Say no to Delusions such as I will be happy tomorrow. I will enjoy it after I have a job. I will be at peace after having a child. No, be happy today, now, this very moment. Live your life, enjoy yourself. It will nurture your soul.

A Bubble bath:

A bubble bath is a very good idea. You will be relaxed, alone and you can think. Spending some time with yourself nurtures your soul.

Playing a musical instrument:

Just like music is the food of life. Musical instruments are an extension of that. Playing any instrument is truly a good idea to help your soul.

Play with kids:

Play with kids. It diminishes tensions and depression. It nurtures your soul too.

Talking and letting your heart out:

Talk to someone. Let go of all the troubling thoughts. It will put your mind at ease and nurture your soul.

Meditation:

Try doing yoga. Yoga is something that has miraculous effects. Not just with your mind but the list is endless. Yoga and other kinds of meditation will help nurture your soul.

Forgive:

Learn to forgive. Just go and talk to someone you recently had a fight with. Forgive him. Then see how light you feel. It is another feed for nurturing your soul.

These were my bonus tips. I really hope, wish, and pray it nurtures your soul and helps you out in life.

How does it work to nurture your soul?

When you do these things or at least some of them, you will feel a drastic change in your life. These things will do a miracle in your life. Just keep in mind that you have to take care of your soul along with your body and mind. Let that thing be a reminder to you. Listen to your soul. Stay calm, be cool. Ciao!

10 Ways to Nurture Your Soul Dean Azulay

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infolibrary · 6 years ago

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10 Vile Ways Psychology Is Used For Evil

New Post has been published on http://www.infolibrary.net/10-vile-ways-psychology-is-used-for-evil/

10 Vile Ways Psychology Is Used For Evil

Psychology is a discipline meant to help us understand how people think, behave, act, and react to all the various situations that can occur in life. And considering that people are the most important part of our society, this is a pretty important discipline. Unfortunately, psychology isn’t always used for good reasons. Sometimes, the knowledge of psychology is used for evil, and the results are nothing short of sickening

10 APA Psychologists Reverse Engineer Anti-Interrogation Techniques

The US military has always been concerned about their soldiers being captured behind enemy lines. In order to deal with this problem, they had military psychologists come up with a program to teach soldiers how to resist torture. This program is called SERE, and stands for Survival, Evasion, Resistance, and Escape. Unfortunately, after 9/11, many of the higher-ups in the CIA and the Department of Defense decided that we were the ones who needed to extract information—no matter how it was accomplished.

Enter military psychologists Mitchell and Jessen, who decided that they would reverse engineer the military’s SERE program in order to break detainees. The fruits of their labor have made popular such techniques as stress positions, waterboarding, humiliation, and a host of other ways to break a detainee’s spirit. Much of their work was inspired by the research of one Dr. Seligman, who discovered what he termed “learned helplessness.”

First, he tortured dogs by shocking them with electricity. After they had been subjected to this long enough, they no longer tried to escape the pain—even when they had the opportunity. While Seligman has denied any involvement in the military’s “enhanced interrogation” techniques, his work was certainly an inspiration to those who reverse engineered SERE.

9 PSYOPS Is Tasked With Manipulating US Senators

Photo credit: Ministerstwo Obrony Narodowej

Most reasonable people understand that, if you’re going to use it, psychological warfare is supposed to be used on your enemies—not on your own people. However, Lt. General William Caldwell had other ideas. This intrepid general decided that he wanted more funding and support for the war in Afghanistan, so he tasked PSYOPS, the army’s psychological warfare division at the time, with using their training to convince visiting senators and VIPs to support the war effort.

The Lt. Colonel who was in charge of the operation felt extremely uncomfortable using his training in a manner that he felt was against the law, not to mention common ethics. However, despite his protests, he and his team were forced to go ahead and start working on their psychological profiles of visiting dignitaries anyway, with the general even considering trying to get into the heads of NATO leaders as well. Eventually, the Lt. Colonel had had enough, and blew the whistle on the operation, leading to a major scandal and an investigation by General Petraeus. But, like many whistle-blowers, Lt. Colonel Holmes—despite having an incredibly stellar record—was brought up on disciplinary charges for tattling on his superior officers.

At least, that’s one version of the story. Details on Caldwell’s specific orders suggest that maybe there weren’t any nefarious psychological persuasion techniques used at all. According to one of the military attorneys who looked into the case, the orders were simply to “gather publicly available information, analyze it, and share the analysis with the visiting politicians.” Perhaps the final “analysis” had some bias that would further the general’s plans to get more soldiers into Afghanistan, but that’s not necessarily illegal—just morally ambiguous. In any case, the full details of what really happened are buried in the muddy waters of military bureaucracy, so we’ll probably never really know the full extent of Caldwell’s little persuasion gimmick.

8 Massive North Korean Brainwashing

Photo credit: Stephan

Most people know that North Korea is a brutal regime that takes things far beyond the realms of sanity, but they do much more than just oppress their people with force of arms. See, to truly control a populace, you need to control their thoughts, so the leaders of North Korea turned to brainwashing on a truly massive scale.

People may remember the weeping citizens on the news when Kim Jong Il kicked the bucket. Many people thought it was faked by the North Korean government, but one defector who ran off to South Korea more than a decade ago explained that the emotion you saw on TV was genuine. In fact, even after almost a decade, watching the displays of emotion on TV brought her back to her time in North Korea, and made her feel like she believed in his godhood once more. This is brainwashing so powerful that, decades later, those who know the truth still have trouble divorcing themselves from the lies they were once fed.

7 The Social Isolation Of Bradley Manning

Photo credit: Bradley Manning Support Network

Recently, researchers have started to understand just how important social interaction is for the healthy functioning of a human mind. It turns out that humans need to interact with other humans almost as much as we need food and water. Copious research has now shown that extended social isolation, even for just a few months, can easily break a person and cause serious psychological harm. Bradley Manning is well known for blowing the whistle on awful things that the United States was doing in overseas military operations. Even though he had not yet been convicted of anything, and certainly didn’t receive a speedy trial, the military decided that they couldn’t wait for the law before they started punishing him for ratting them out.

For years before he actually stood trial, Manning was kept in solitary confinement and only allowed out of his cell for an hour a day to exercise. He wasn’t offered even the most basic items, like pillows and sheets, and had no contact with the outside world. To make matters worse, the doctors at the prison knew full well that what they were doing could be damaging him psychologically. However, instead of petitioning to give him humane conditions, they just stuffed anti-depressants down his throat so he wouldn’t go completely bonkers before they could finally put him to trial.

6 Sensory Deprivation Experiments

Back in the 1950s, when it was easier to get an unethical experiment past your university’s review board, psychologist Donald Hebb decided to test a pet theory of his. It was Hebb’s belief that if a person was totally deprived of any sensory input at all, their brain would start to weaken and perform less efficiently. To test this theory, he paid students $20 a day to take part in his study. However, even Hebb didn’t entirely anticipate just how awful the results of his experiment would be. Hebb initially thought that he would be able to observe his test subjects for several weeks to get some solid data, but it turned out that none could last even one week.

Now, this was pretty severe sensory deprivation. The test subjects wore frosted goggles, headphones that emitted white noise, and clothing meant to limit their sense of touch. It was found afterward that these people had temporary cognitive impairment even after just a short time with no sensory input, and they were also found to be highly suggestible while deprived. While Hebb’s work would likely be considered unethical now, he had no intention of torturing anyone, and was surprised at how quickly and dramatically his experiment worked.

However, a psychologist by the name of Ewen Cameron was interested in Hebb’s work, and decided to devise his own methods with which to “treat” patients. Hebb wanted no part in this, because Cameron would run his experiments on patients in his hospital who couldn’t really go anywhere, and, after using sensory deprivation and drugs to put them in a suggestible state, would attempt to “reprogram” them. Unsurprisingly, he was eventually sued for methods that Hebb himself referred to as “wicked.”

5 Gaslighting Performed By Psychoanalysts

The term “gaslighting” was originally coined in reference to the movie Gaslight, which involved an abusive husband who was playing a game of psychological warfare against his wife by constantly questioning her version of reality. One of his favorite tricks was to turn down the gaslights in the house, then claim that she was imagining it when she said that the lights had dimmed. This technique is used by abusers to make the other person question their own reality, which in turn makes them much easier to control.

Unfortunately, sometimes those who are learned in the psychological arts decide to use similar dark techniques, and the results are horrifying. In his book, one psychiatrist details a situation in which a doctor created a sort of psychotherapeutic cult, where he sexually abused some of his patients. To make matters worse, this psychologist was also seeing the husband of one woman whom he constantly coerced. The husband would tell the psychiatrist about his worries involving his wife and her involvement with the group, and the doctor would reply that it was the husband who was “distorting his own reality.”

Eventually, people started to come forward with accusations, and the doctor’s reign of terror came to an end—but not before one of his patients almost killed himself from the trauma that the attempted destruction of his reality put him through.

4 Scientology And The Destruction Of Critical Thinking

Scientologists aren’t exactly known for being a kindhearted group of lovely people who just want to make your life better. However, most people don’t know the full scope of how Scientology controls people. See, it’s much more than simply the threat of losing contact with your family, or any of the other methods commonly reported to be used by the church. The true cornerstone of Scientology’s ability to keep others under their thumb is their insidious training program.

The main point of this training program is to keep people from thinking critically about anything involving Scientology. Trainees are made to sit face-to-face with other trainees for long periods of time, without moving or saying anything. They are forced to listen to random passages from Alice in Wonderland—of all things—without laughing or reacting noticeably. Another one of their training techniques is called “bullbaiting,” and involves making a person listen to hostile and abusive things until they react. If they react improperly during any of these training sessions, they flunk and have to start over until they can pass. These combined techniques are designed to make the person believe what they are told without question.

3 Interrogation Through Guilt And Induced Regression

Ever since Dr. Seligman first performed his experiments with dogs, people have been thinking about how they can use his findings to regress people and abuse them mentally for the purpose of extracting information. What the more evil people who read his work figured is that if you treat people the way the dogs were treated in Seligman’s study, you will be able to render their minds more open to suggestion. The idea of “coercive” methods of interrogation is to essentially break down the higher processes of the brain that allow us to plan, think, and take care of ourselves.

In fact, some military documents have suggested that interrogators can use their position of power—and the regressed state of their victims—to guilt them into divulging information. This works because, when they’re tortured and questioned by the same individual for an extended period of time while being kept in a state of learned helplessness, a detainee might eventually start thinking of their torturer as a sort of parent. Once they reach that mindset, the interrogator can then use this weakness to make the detainee feel bad about not telling them what they want to know.

2 False Memories Implanted With Hypnosis

Most psychologists today will tell you that repressed memories are a bunch of pseudoscientific crockery. However, there was a time when discovering “repressed” memories was more common, which caused all sorts of problems for innocent people. Now, we aren’t necessarily saying that the psychologists who helped people recover these alleged memories did so with malicious intent. In fact, many of them probably thought that they were helping their patients. But as we’ve all heard, the road to Hell is paved with good intentions.

One of these mental health professionals discovered allegedly repressed memories that led to first degree murder charges against an innocent person, and ended up dragging that patient into a protracted court battle. The police eventually found that there was not even the slightest shred of evidence that any of the claims made against the man were plausible. While the man did successfully sue, it’s hard to say for certain whether his reputation will ever be the same. While it may seem like a strange case, the unfortunate truth is that implanting false memories is not even that difficult, and we can easily fool ourselves into believing something that never happened.

1 Sensory Overstimulation For Interrogation Purposes

Another technique popular among the “enhanced interrogation” crowd is the reverse of sensory deprivation. According to psychological researchers, subjecting someone to more stimuli than they can handle can be just as effective as taking all stimuli away. These researchers weren’t so much interested in the fact that overstimulating people could be psychologically damaging, but more in how suggestible it made people.

Overstimulation often involves extremely loud noises meant to make it hard for the person to think or react properly to any given situation, but also usually includes repeated rhythms for increased hypnotic effect. Some forms of overstimulation—like Japanese water torture—don’t use sound at all, but instead rely on the fact that your brain needs differing stimuli to continue processing its surroundings in a clear manner. The US military has made use of overstimulation techniques at Guantanamo Bay. These include playing music at extremely high volumes and flashing strobe lights at the detainees. Unfortunately, people don’t generally do well with torture in any form, and these enhanced interrogation techniques have led many of the prisoners to seek an end to their Earthly existence.

#Critical Thinking #Manipulate #Overstimulation #Psychology #Regression #Sensory

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keeganmsod156 · 7 years ago

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KRATOM: THE INTENSE PLANT WHICH CAN AID OPIOID ADDICTS-- IF THE DEA DOES NOT BAN IT

The young woman up in East Greenwich, Rhode Island. It is a small neighborhood, wealthy and charmingly New England. Heroin was very available there, and very excellent.

She stopped going to school, stopped doing much of anything besides scoring drugs, doing drugs, taking things, offering stuff, scoring more drugs, doing more drugs. "This was the beginning of the New England heroin epidemic," she says.

That experience was mirrored around the country. In 2014, overdoses from heroin or prescription opioids eliminated 30,000 individuals-- four times as lots of than in 1999. Today, 3,900 brand-new people begin utilizing prescription opioids for non-medical functions every day. Nearly 600 start taking heroin. The annual health and social costs of the prescription opioid crisis in America? $55 billion.

Campellone kicked her routine at 19-- with rehab, suboxone, and a lot of determination-- and moved out west, to the San Francisco Bay Area. She started working at a natural solution shop in Berkeley. Her co-workers and employers presented her to a wide variety of plant-based products, amongst them a tart-tasting leaf called kratom. It offers a small, euphoric high. When you spin around in circles after the dizziness wears off, like the sensation that remains. It was also a decent painkiller, so she 'd take it when she was hurt, or on her menstruation.

And, on 2 celebrations, she utilized it to assist with the withdrawal symptoms following heroin regressions. "Nothing truly feels good when you're withdrawing from heroin, so no matter what you're taking, you're still in pain and it's quite excruciating," says Campellone. However kratom assisted some.

Campellone never needs a prescription to get kratom. And when she does not take it, she doesn't crave it like she longed for heroin. She was amazed when, on August 30, the DEA announced that it was pursuing an emergency situation scheduling of mitragynine and 7-hydroxymitragynine, the active alkaloids in kratom.

The DEA Takes an Exception to Kratom

Biologically, kratom acts enough like an opioid that DEA considers it a threat to public safety. The firm prepared to utilize a regulatory mechanism called emergency scheduling to place it in the same restrictive category as marijuana, heroin, and lsd . This classification, Schedule I, is booked for exactly what the DEA thinks about the most dangerous drugs-- those without any redeeming medical value, and a high capacity for abuse.

Before they settled the scheduling, something surprising happened. An advocacy group called the American Kratom Association (yes, AKA) raised $400,000 from its impassioned membership-- outstanding for a nonprofit that typically raises $80,000 a year-- to pay for lobbyists and attorneys , who got Congress on their side.

On September 30, agents both conservative and liberal -- from Orrin Hatch to Bernie Sanders-- penned a letter to the DEA. "Given the long reported history of kratom use, paired with the public's belief that it is a safe alternative to prescription opioids, our company believe using the regular evaluation process would offer a much-needed conversation among all stakeholders," they composed.

It worked. The DEA raised the notice of emergency situation scheduling, and opened a public comment period up until December 1. When was the last time the DEA backed off anything? "This is unusual," states Gantt Galloway, a Bay Area pharmacologist focusing on treatments for addictive drugs. Galloway could not remember another circumstances when the DEA responded to public protest like this.

As of this writing, those comments number almost 11,000. They are from: individuals who utilize kratom to eliminate persistent pain or endometriosis or gout; individuals who utilize kratom to deal with depression or wean off opioids or alcohol; people who stated it conserved their life. "It does not permit you to escape your problems," says Susan Ash, creator of the AKA, who utilized kratom to treat discomfort and leave an dependency to prescription opioids. "It rather has you face them full on due to the fact that it doesn't numb your brain at all, and it doesn't make you feel stoned like medical marijuana does. And yet it's effective on so many things, like pain and stress and anxiety and anxiety."

And certainly not adequate to back up all the life-altering claims proclaimed in public remarks, and by the lots of kratom users we interviewed. And ought to the DEA follow through on its pledge to arrange kratom, these people will end up being crooks over night.

For Ash, that's completely unacceptable. "I want the future to look like this is your next coffee," https://americanaddictioncenters.org/kratom/does-it-get-you-high she says.

An Herb Wades Into an Opioid Crisis

Kratom is not an opioid-- actually, it is in the coffee household-- but its active molecules bind to the very same neuronal receptors as opioids like heroin, oxycodone, morphine, and codeine . Generally, those drugs offer users a sensation of ecstasy and dull their discomfort-- that's why David *, a previous boarding school teacher, started utilizing prescription opioids to treat his pain from ski injuries.

When David ultimately dedicated himself to rehab, his medical professionals weaned him off heroin using suboxone, a mix of 2 drugs-- buprenorphine, a partial opioid that quenches the body's chemical thirst, and naltrexone, which obstructs any blissful opioid sensations. Suboxone can give users symptoms of withdrawal, not to point out a dulled sense of reality. And users like David can still find methods to abuse it. "Dependence on that was different from heroin, and it became much easier to take more suboxone to a higher high, or offering it to score heroin once again," he states.

As of this writing, however, David has actually been tidy for 18 months-- success that he associates to kratom. Given that it binds to the exact same receptors as opioids, kratom users report comparable euphoric and pain-killing results, but they're silenced. After other 12 action recovering addicts introduced David to the plant, it helped him rebuild his life-- he did eventually lose that boarding school mentor task-- and handle the physical discomfort that got him hooked on opioids to start with.

Because it mirrors opioids in other methods, the concern is that kratom is likewise addicting. David and several other users we spoke with said kratom is routine forming, to some degree, though one study in Southeast Asia found that for individuals using it to kick an opioid addiction, the reliance is far less likely to disrupt their lives. "When I take kratom, that addicting part of me kicks in and it becomes habitual," states Jeffrey *, another previous opioid addict.

There is no doubt, however, that kratom is less harmful than opioids-- even take-home synthetics like suboxone. When opioids eliminate, they do it through breathing anxiety-- they slow your breath until you stop breathing completely. Kratom's chemical structure does not appear to produce the very same results. "The two main alkaloids in kratom, 7-hydroxy and mitragynine , appear to have a low ceiling for breathing anxiety," says pharmacologist Jack Henningfield of the Johns Hopkins School of Medicine, who with the consulting company Pinney Associates has actually encouraged the AKA on kratom scheduling. "And that's why if you look hard, it's extremely hard to discover deaths attributable simply to kratom."

In its initial notification of emergency scheduling for kratom, the DEA did connect the drug to 15 deaths between 2014 and 2016. Folks using kratom to wean themselves off opioids might still be taking those opioids.

And some deaths might be attributed to contamination: Because kratom isn't really strictly controlled, bad stars can and do lace the plant with actual opioids, like the extremely powerful artificial opioid fentanyl. Well, we've got a unique kratom item,'" Henningfield says. The concern is whether the DEA's scheduling is the ideal kind.

Regulatory Wranglings

The FDA might assist avoid contamination-related deaths by strictly managing kratom as a supplement, as opposed to the DEA scheduling it as a drug. "FDA has a lot of authority to actually assist consumers know that what they're purchasing is what is identified, and have at least some level of guarantee," Henningfield says. "It's not close to the drug standard, but it's much better than something that's illegally marketed."

"The choice to completely schedule any drug is not a DEA unilateral decision," states Steve Bell, a DEA spokesperson. The FDA authorized the drug in 2002, and the Department of Health and Human Services suggested that the DEA put it in Schedule III, which the DEA accepted.

Schedule I, though, is an completely different rodeo. If the DEA locations kratom here, no one can touch the stuff. Present users, must they continue to use, will be required to even sketchier sources. And researchers will have a harder time finding out how kratom works, and supporting, or refuting, the claims users make with hard data. (Consider cannabis, likewise a Schedule I drug. Since getting licenses to study the drug is an workout in bureaucratic madness.), Science has a scarcity of information on it.

All that research costs cash. Which is kratom's catch-22: The DEA wishes to arrange the drug because they think it may posture a danger to public health, but the only way to verify (or refute) the DEA's concerns is with more research-- which will be beside impossible ought to the DEA follow through on its pledge to schedule.

One of the few researchers studying kratom is the University of Florida's Oliver Grundmann, who is ending up an online survey of nearly 10,000 users. And the information (preliminary, though Grundmann plans to release a paper in the coming months) reveals a different profile of kratom users than you 'd expect from an " illegal" recreational drug.

" The age variety is more geared towards an older population," states Grundmann, "which is more most likely to experience work associated injuries or persistent or severe pain from another medical condition." Over half of users are in between the ages of 31 and 50. Eighty-two percent finished at least some college. Nearly 30 percent of respondents draw in a home income of over $75,000 a year. Not the party drug demographic. And the general public comments on the DEA's scheduling notification reflect that population. A lot of those folks are using kratom to either wean themselves off prescription opioids or utilize the drug alone to deal with pain.

Still, that's self-medication using a product that might be infected. "The industry needs to come together," states Susan Ash of the AKA. "There's no other way the FDA is going to feel comfortable not seeing this as a set up illegal drug without a dedication from the market that there will be correct steps put in location." Better labeling, for circumstances, would be a start.

Grundmann states he comprehends the DEA's motivation. "They do not desire to have another drug out there that could potentially contribute to the currently ravaging opioid epidemic that some neighborhoods are experiencing," he states. "But on the other side, we likewise have to consider that the 4 to 5 million approximated users of kratom may deal with a health crisis of their own if kratom ends up being set up.".

Anecdotes and Evidence.

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Ariana Campellone takes her kratom with coconut milk and protein powder. She blends, diluting with water to take the lumps out of the mixture. "Coffee offers me a visible spike and high, and can feel when I'm coming down," she states.

The DEA's public remark period closes tomorrow. The firm states it will consider those remarks alongside the FDA's clinical and medical assessment before continuing to schedule. The FDA did not react in time to discuss this story.

If the DEA follows through on its previous intent to schedule, Campellone states she'll still continue https://www.drugs.com/illicit/kratom.html to use kratom. "Just like individuals have continued to utilize marijuana where it's not legal," she says. In useful terms, it implies getting ahold of kratom would probably get more personally risky and pricey . Those costs, those dangers-- those hassles-- might not deserve it to some kratom users. And then the not-so-small community of recovering opioid addicts lose something available, and potentially quite good.

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vivekediting-blog · 7 years ago

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aesthetic-yehet · 7 years ago

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I wish I never got an abortion..

Hey whoever reads this..

It may help you or someone else, you may even feel like this doesnt apply to you, but I just have to get it off my chest. I will go over my story and things girls in my previous situation really shouldn't do and what you should :)

My circumstances were at the time was, I was 16, had no qualifications, didnt have any type of job or type of income towards my name. I was dependant on my mother. I was also a very reckless person. Fucking whoever I wanted, whenever I wanted, doing things I shoudn't of. But on the other side of things I was very good academically and had a fairly good amount of friends.

Obviously I got pregnant...briefly after my 16th birthday..lol. I had a feeling I was pregnant 2 days before my period started, I told the guy and he was like dont say that, dont worry about it too much your period will come. Next thing you know, 2 weeks later my friend steals 3 pregnancy tests for me and they all come out positive.

So Im like fuuuuucckk on the inside, but on the outside I was extremely calm, it was a bit worrying to others. So I called my cousin after and I told her my situation. I feel like people would question why not tell my mum. Well one shes black, two shes come from an extremely strict Caribbean background, so they way she approaches situations is not really to my liking. (I would basically shit myself and I know I would get kicked out if I had any guts to tell her). My cousin and I then the two days after went to a hospital and finally confirmed I was pregnant. Funny fact: When I went to the hospital, well the clinic part of it, the "guy" was there, not like as if he knew it was just a coincidence that we ended sitting in the same waiting room.

I discussed with my cousin at first about what I was going to do. I was certain that I was going to keep the baby. I hated abortions with a passion. How hypocritical of me. I am against abortions but thats for me, that my personal opinion. It doesnt mean that I hate other people that do it, they can go ahead its none of my business. But for me it never really sat well, I didnt like the idea of it. And neither did my cousin. She said she was going to support me and help me get temporary accomadation if I was to get kicked out. I was going to research to continue onwards with further educations alongside having a child at a very young age. You know the whole dingle-bingle.

later that night, I called the "guy" and I told him straight up. And at first he was ok with it. He was like hes not going to force me to do anything and he left it at that. So I was a bit relieved that he said that instead of saying get rid of it. Considering the other reactions to similar situations, the boys I know, they'd straight up get theyre niggas and beat the girl to the pulp to kill the baby. And really and truly that "guy" was extremely capable of doing that but he chose not to.

So a few days pass and I'm really happy but worried at the same time. I had told certain friends, which led to my whole school knowing. One thing that shouldnt be done no matter hooooow big mouthed you are. Dont fucking trust anyone because...just no. So that really wasnt comfortable with me. People asking questions, it was very overwhelming. Plus at the same time dealing with my depression and anxiety, it just didnt add up well. Definitely one sitaution a pregnant women shouldnt go through.

So..later after school finished. Im at home and the guy calls pissed because everyone knew. And everyone could connect it back to him because we had a history. Like everyone had an idea that we was fucking. I feel like it was embarassing for him because he was in Year 13 and I was in Year 11. So then I was apologetic for opening my mouth to certain people that I had trusted. So he then continued onwards to saying "I think you should get the abortion." I was so gutted but I was also thinking about it. He proceeded to explain that he again wasnt forcing me but he was presenting me the situation on both sides of the spectrum. For both me and him. He explained that for me, It wouldve been hard to do my gcses because I wouldve been atleast 5 months, I would probably get kicked out, my life would come to a halt as I would need to take care of a baby, I wouldnt be able to pursue a career I wanted because of the huge responsibility. For him, the fact that he was from a muslim background wouldve make his family put him to shame once they found out and either way regardless if he didnt want to look after the baby he'd have to. I then told him that I dont need him. Considering my background of not really having a father figure I definitely felt like I could look after a baby on my own. He proceeded to say that he'd need to support me plus going to uni. But then again he said hes not going to force me. At this point if I was to put it into a percentage Abortion 5% / Keep the baby 95%

After that talk, talks with him got more frequent as he tried to persuade me to get an abortion. He told me bout single mothers at my age that are addicted to drugs and consdiering where we lived it wasnt a good area to bring up a baby. He told me about how he sees so much potential in me and that this situation would just stop it and distract me from becoming successful. And I completely understood where he was coming from. I wasnt going to be irrational and refuse to listen to his arguements. I then thought about it to myself and I just reached the decision that because he made more sense I would get the abortion. I mean how would I support myself and a child, provide food and shelter and continue in education. It all seemed impossible to me. But then there was me saying that because I put myself in that situation I must take responsibility and that god would never make me go through something I couldnt handle. So at the this moment the table have turned and I was now 100% abortion.

I told my cousin about my change in decision and she was extremely upset and told me that when I do decide to do it that she didnt want to be present. Which was completely understanding. So I told my sister and because she was in a similar situation to mine when she was 16, she was able to help me. Which is what I advise to any women that wants to get an abortion is to never go through with it alone, regardless if you think you're a heartless person, make sure someone is supporting you some how. I then told my mentor at school, and she was trying to tell me not to get it but I was certain that I was going to get. Another thing, telling a teacher figure, isnt a bad idea. It really should be a teacher or someone along those lines that you know you have a good relationship with or you know is a helpful person. I dont know how much I preached to my mentor not to tell anyone that would tell my mum. So she had to abide by that. I got through the whole process of getting an appointment to discuss what would happen. To making the appointment for the abortion. Organising who would go with me. And in the mean time I was going through complications at about 2 months. There was a chance that I was going through an abdominal pregnancy due to pains I was experiencing. Luckily that wasnt the case and I was just stressing way to much.

So before the day of the abortion, the guy and me talk and he sounded relieved that I was going to get the abortion. He said to me that he would even come with me, to the clinic so that I wouldnt go through it alone. I briefly felt happy about me decision because he was happy. (I hope you see what Im getting at).

I was out of most of my lessons, talking with my mentors, I really did take advantage of that but constantly talking to someone instead of me overthinking about it and getting even more depressed was really helpful. Dont get me wrong I had many of my close friends supporting me, regardless of my decisions.

So the day of the abortion, I go with my auntie, I get my test done for STDS. That was clear. I get a scan. This was the most offputting thing to see. I literally fucked up my brain. The lady printed out the picutre and I saw the baby. That was in my body, in a uterus. I felt some type of connection but I quickly tried to push it aside. I know now at that moment I shouldve walked out the door. But I stayed. So then my sister had to come because my aunty had to go somewhere and it finally came to the point of taking the pills.

I'm not a doctor so I dont know the names but the procedure was to insert three or four pills up the vagina and thats it. I did that procedure because I couldnt go through the vaccuming method, just no. So as soon as I left the clinic small pains were coming through. And the pain killers that I was given wasnt no paracetomol, it was codeine. So I knew that I was gonna go through a shit amount of pain. The method I went through was inducing a miscarrage. My sister put me on the train I could go back home and I sit and process what I had just done. I was around about 20 people trying not to cry but tears was just falling out my eyes. I wish I couldve gone back and not inserted those pills. Before I got to my stop I just thought to myself its done now just leave it now. So I get home now and I need to pee. And a gush a blood just came. And I was curious so I looked at the toilet and I saw the placenta. As if it was ripped out of me. So I processed it again, I was basically flushing my baby down the toilet. Like wtf right? At this point the pain was just unbearable. I couldnt even stand. I was sitting on the toilet for a good hour before I went to lay down in my bed.I didnt want to move but I had to pick up my niece. The walk to my nieces school from my house was about 5 minutes and I had to beg one of the parents at the club to drive me home and help me inside.

Quickly I took the pills and the pain calmed down. My mum thought I was going through a period. The school let me take off as much time as I wanted. Even though I was offered counselling I declined. I shouldve accepted but I felt like I needed to go through this alone. I only talked to the guy once after. I literally felt like I was in a box. I took about 3 weeks off school. Pain for me lasted about 1 week to 2 before my actual period started. So I was in and out of hospital because the pain normally supposed to last 4 days. Nothing was wrong with me so I felt like it was God punishing me with more pain. And that was it.

After that, I acted like it never happened. Tried to continue on with life but my life was just going downhill before my eyes.If youre wondering I passed my GCSES and got 6 A-C.That was literally the only positive. And to me my life is still going downhill at this moment. Briefly after healing up, I got exposed multiple times, with pictures, but I didnt pay any mind to it. I got raped, but I didnt realise I got raped till my closest friends were telling me that I had. I didnt see it as rape but considering the whole situation, it was. I felt like because I put myself in that situation It wasnt rape. I was getting therapy but I wasnt saying what I wanted to say because it was therapy with my mum. Our relationship had deteoriorated extremely. And thats not because she knew. She didnt until about 9 months later.I had met someone that made me the happiest person, despite our disputes, I was still happy. He made me feel important while I was in this downward spiral. And turns out we was both toxic. It ended terribly. I was willing to do unthinkable things just to get him back in my life and thats when I realised that I had reached my peak.

Right now even though it still seems to me that my life is going downhill, its not as steep. Im more happy, Im getting help. My mum knows more but not everything.Im happy with that. Im still bunking lessons, but its just when I feel extremely low. But it just occurred to me that right now well lets say today, if I had gone through a full term and given birth, my baby wouldve been 2 months old. And that really aches in my heart. I had recently found the picture of my scan again and it just really made me think. Why on earth did I get that abortion? And I thought hard about it. And I realised how my brain was working back then compared to now. I was trying to make the guy happy , I wasnt being selfish. In that situation , you have to be selfish, dont care bout nobody else but YOURSELF. But im my mind I wanted him to be happy about my decision, I didnt want to disappoint him, so I got the abortion. I think about it now and I wish I wouldve had my baby. If I was thinking like how I am right now, my baby wouldve been in my arms. And now I know that my mum wouldve helped me and I was wrong the whole time about my mum lashing out. I had this all bottled up inside of me and I have been getting these suicidal thoughts, but I been there and done that. Its not a route I want to revisit.

All I am stressing here. Is that regardless of your situation, You need to think real fucking hard before you decide to get an abortion. I know right now that I will regret this for the rest of my life. So I really dont want more girls to go through this. Think before you do anything.

First thing first is wrap it up for fuck sake!

If you dont wrap it up and get pregnant, THINK ABOUT YOUR FUTURE! THINK ABOUT YOURSELF FUCK EVERYONE ELSE!

If you dont believe in god then think to yourself. You can wake up everyday and you've experience your happiest and lowest days. You've seen single mothers or dads that look after their children and even though through the struggle they are still happy. You can handle it. Even if you dont think you can I dont know how to stress, regardless of the situation your in you can handle it. But if you think you cant then you need to have someone. Even if its someone online that you could talk to (be careful though) at least you have some sort of support. There are phone lines that allow you speak and they listen and advise you. We are in the fucking age where we can do that. We are so advantaged!

Please think before you get an abortion because the last thing you want to come to mind and eventually come out of your mouth is

"I wish I never got an abortion"

Sorry this is so long.. If anyone needs advice on literally anything, doesnt need to be about abortions, just slide im dms.. Sharing will help aswell so more people can see and advise others. A post can do so much. But I can do so little and just share my story and hope that hopefully Im helping someone who thinks that theyre by themselves.

#art #kpop #abortion #help #suicde #advice #fashion #2017 #2018 #tags #share

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baileyrecovers · 8 years ago

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Where I was. Pt. 2

IThe first time going to the hospital was scary. I was in the ER for two hours, and I had to repeat my story many times to many different people. In the ER, suicidal or mentally ill patients get a “watcher,” this person literally watches you to make sure you don’t off yourself in the ER. They do not take their eyes off you. The first watcher I had was a middle aged redheaded woman with short hair. She talked to me once, she had a southern, lower-class accent. She asked me, “what brings you here?” After answering that question so many times, I finally just said “Suicide.” She said, “Aww, don’t do that.” She gave me a puppy dog face of fake remorse. “I lost many people due to that.” That didn’t even sound sincere.

They wheelchaired me to down to the mental health unit. I said I could walk, but they insisted. The privacy of the unit and lock downed environment made me anxious. It made me truly believe that I really was crazy.

I was given my bedroom (single rooms, thank god). I slept really soundly that night. Groups started the next day and I quickly learned I did not like them. They ask you to tell your story, and I was not the most open of person. I felt like everyone was judging me, but I learned that this was the last place I would be judged. I felt a source of guilt after hearing some stories, as many come to the MHU because they thought of suicide, and I actually tried. I never knew thinking of suicide was weird or worrisome, if I had known that sooner, maybe I would have been hospitalized sooner in my life.

My psychiatrist was a real character. It was a small mousy man, with gray blonde hair pushed flat back. He had an air about him that he thought he knew everything. It wasn’t confidence, but more arrogance. He was extremely honest with me. He told me that I intellectualize everything.

“In psychology, intellectualization is a defense mechanism where reasoning is used to block confrontation with an unconscious conflict and its associated emotional stress – where thinking is used to avoid feeling. It involves removing one's self, emotionally, from a stressful event.”

Which in a sense is true. I could not name or face my feelings. I’m getting better at it, but I still struggle.

The second day I met with him, he couldn’t remember my name, and he said, “You are the raped girl, right?” Well, I suppose yes. That didn’t help me at all, because I also labeled myself the depressed girl, the anxious girl, the crazy girl. And I believed them. To hear that made me ruminate over the events that happened, and I began to feel how worthless and guilty I felt all over again. The MHU acted as an escape from my problems for awhile, as a way to not deal with them, but being locked away brings up its own set of problems, like dealing with an equally crazy psychiatrist.

I felt hidden away, like Anne Frank. Hardly anyone knew where I was, and that was how I wanted it to be. I was so ashamed of being there, it isn’t normal-everyone will think I am unstable-people will judge me, were thoughts running through my head on a consistent basis. They still do at times.

At this point in time, nothing really stands out ot me about my first stay at the hospital. I knew I didn’t want to leave, as I knew my problems at school were snowballing. They were just getting bigger. I didn’t want to face the real world, so I didn’t push for discharge. I said nothing at all. I guess they took that as a sign that I didn’t want to leave, and they didn’t kick anyone out.

My mom stayed with me that weekend to make sure I was stable. It was a good and bad idea. She helped me straighten a lot of things out, we went out to eat and shop, and she was just present. However, I tried to apologize for everything that had happened. She got really angry at me. She said I hurt her, my thoughts and feelings were not real because I was depressed and they were stupid, and that she would never forgive me for what I’d done. I was bawling my eyes out trying to trust her more and tell her what I felt inside, but she wouldn’t hear it. She would just get angrier. I started to have repetitive movements and muscle tensions. I began to hit and bite myself while she lectured, I pulled my hair, scratched my arms. She told me to stop and “TURN IT OFF,” like I had switch that turned off my depression. But, I couldn’t stop hurting myself that moment, it was a strange sensation. It was like my body was trying to protect itself from her words and thoughts. Or perhaps I was punishing myself for being a bad person. My mother and I have a complicated, at times abusive, and difficult relationship. It is too long to tell now, but we tend to brush off problems without talking or apologizing for them.

Many decisions had to be made about my future at UNI. I had to decide what classes to keep and drop. Lots of pressure was put on me to stay in two classes, but even one class seemed overwhelming. I decided to stay in one course. I had psychiatry planned, therapist scheduled, getting help. I was doing everything right, the one thing I did wrong was delaying admission into the Intensive Outpatient Program at the hospital because I didn’t want to drive, but I guess that backfired in the long run.

I am also very ambivalent towards treatment. I know I needed help, but I wanted to act and be as ‘normal’ as possible. I still denied I had a major issue and made lots of excuses for myself.

I was put on a drug called Welbutrin. I didn’t have hardly any side effects in the hospital. It helped stabilize my mood. However, when I returned home, I was not able to eat, sleep, and I had weird muscle spasms. I cried all the time again. All of my problems have returned in full force, and it was like I wasn’t on an antidepressant and never received help. Was the week in the hospital a waste of time? I still felt the same level of anxiety and depression, but I convinced myself that changes were going to happen.

One thing that stressed me out was telling my employers who felt like family what had happened to me for a week. I told them something traumatic happened to me, and I needed to get away for awhile. They were very receptive and helpful. I eventually told one of them I was raped. We talked about school and they helped me by finding out more about financial aid and what I should next in terms of classes. They allowed me to stay the night at their house. It was really nice.

I felt really loved by all the support I received from my friends who knew what happened to me and my mom. I had to tell a few more people, which made me anxious. Yet, I felt an underlying guilt. Everyone was constantly checking in on me. Are you okay? Where are you going? What are you doing? How are you feeling? Everyone had advice to give. I welcomed it at first, but it eventually made me worry about how much they worried about me. I’ve always been independent and I hated to make a fuss. I was taking up people's time, and I didn’t feel worthy of that time. I was struggling in one course. I was struggling with wanting to be a teacher. I hated and criticized myself constantly. I never forgave myself for what had happened. I believed that I was worthless, nothing, no one liked me truly or every one was going to leave me, and had no purpose. Everyone had a person they could go to if I killed myself, no one needed me, I was no one’s person, I would eventually be forgotten. I could see the pain and worry on my roommates face every time I brought ANOTHER problem to her attention. She wanted to hear them, but I could see how helpless and stressed she felt.

I also worried constantly about financial repercussions of taking one class. Money has always been a stress factor. I worried about my mother’s engagement to a guy she has known for a few months and how he was inconsiderate and overstepping his boundaries. It added more fuel to the “no one needs me anymore” fire. I still cried a lot, I often said my body and brain hated me.

I was invited over to dinner by the family I worked for. I was just expecting a pleasant meal and time with the kids. Little did I know, it was also a meeting to talk about my future living plans with them. They simply stated that there were no more future living plans with them, for (potential) financial factors out of their control. I tried to understand why they couldn’t have me live with them, but I was angry and sad. I was angry because they weren’t fighting for me even a little bit, and isn’t that what family did for each other? I wasn’t family, I concluded, which made me feel worse. I already felt bad, but the intensity went up 90%. I was sad because that was the one happy thing I looked forward to, as all my other future plans crumbled. They cherry on top was that they reduced my hours considerably, they didn’t need me much anymore as they said they ‘spoiled’ themselves with me. They gave me a short list of dates and times they needed me that month, which would amount to less than $100. They said they would be a great recommendation to other nannying jobs. But, I was so stuck in my ways and I wanted to be with them so badly because I felt like I belonged in a family for once. They gave up on me, so I gave up on myself too.

I didn’t have anything to look forward to anymore. No one really did need me. I felt numb. I lost everything so quickly in a course of a week. I cut myself that night and kept a knife close to me. I tried to pull myself out of it. I went to class and kept my nose in a book. I went swimming at the WRC, and I thought the activity and exercise would lift my spirits. I was doing everything so right! I was making so much progress some days, I was almost even happy! But it felt like a tight string broke that held so much, the wrong wire was cut in a bomb. I didn’t want to try anymore. I didn’t want to get out of bed. I just wanted to disappear. I was left with the darkness of my mind. I was my own worst enemy, but the superhero in me wanted it destroyed.

After swimming, I nonchalantly go into a gas station, buy alcohol with intentions of using it to kill myself. I calmly take it back to my apartment and hide it in my dresser. After talking and lying to my friend about how I was doing because I couldn’t face the guilt of being sick anymore.

I drank some of the alcohol that night and cut myself, but I was too tired to take the pills. Sleeping saved me that night, as it had many nights before that. That morning though, I woke up, canceled a job interview at a Montessori school, and took every prescription pill I had. I took all of my Welbutrin, Paxil, and a few sleeping pills.. Over 50 pills, enough to put me in the morgue. I wasn’t even crying as I was doing it. I was staring into space, not even thinking about how many pills I was swallowing. I kept taking more, and I thought, “well more can’t hurt, can it?” The rest is a blur. But apparently I called the dad of the kids I watched and asked him to tell me happy stories about them. Were they the last concern I had before I completely passed out? I told him what had happened, and he called an ambulance.

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