#and when all you have of a character is shreds of characterization

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Hi, I hope this is an okay question to ask. I am s l o w l y exploring and learning what kinds of kinks I like. I’m drawn to taboo kinks and I’m really curious about ageplay, but I’m worried that if I open the door to letting that be hot, I’m going to start seeing actual kids as hot. Obviously that doesn’t mean I would do anything about it, but I’m still not sure I want that in my head. Is there any truth in this fear? Could that happen?

well much in the same way that the majority of pup players aren't trying to hump real labradors on the street, D&D players generally aren't running around pulling swords on random shopkeepers, and my years doing Warriors Cats rp online never made me want to live in the woods pissing in the dirt and eating mice, I suspect that what you're attracted to is the safety of fantasy and play rather than the actual, literal thing. pretty big line between those two things, actually, and most people are pretty clear on the difference between stuff that's made up and harmless and stuff that's really really bad. I use this example often, but I assure you that my abiding love of Batman using his billions of dollars to dick around doing lawless bullshit has not softened my feelings on Elon Musk in the slightest.

I assume that, like most well-adjusted adults, you aren't attracted to children. what you're into is, presumably, adults acting in ways that are characterized as immature, carefree, cutesy, helpless, bratty, etc, and the dynamic of those playacting adults might have with others who take the role of their caregivers. that is... so, so, so far removed from being attracted to an actual human child. I don't know if you've ever actually, like, hung out with kids, but they're pretty different than adults. I mean obviously they're little humans who have their own opinions and ideas and personalities and have a right to autonomy and making their own decisions as much as is safely possible, but they are REALLY different from age appropriate, sexually compatible adults. someone doing ageplay is, like, a million miles from an actual kid.

it's kind of like how when Riverdale was on I'd see gifs of that insane redheaded lesbian and go "yeah, she's hot." like, sure, the character's a teenager, but that actress is an adult woman who's only two years younger than me and we all know that. the idea of fucking an actual teenager is vile. even if I were to see someone and have an initial aesthetic appreciation, the second they open their mouth and start saying 17 year old things the attraction is gone because I've realized that's a child.

(no offense to the teens in the room! you're great and I'm sure your 17 year old stuff is really important to you! but adults should not want to fuck you, is the point.)

so what I'm saying is: seems unlikely!

also, okay. let's assume the absolute worst case scenario happens and you experience a twinge of sexual interest towards a child. that's understandably alarming; that's not an urge most people want to harbor within themselves. that may require some dialing back from ageplay, or a chat with a kink-friendly mental health professional, or seeking out some community and advice from others in your kink scene who may have struggled with something similar. but please, give yourself some credit: you have some shred of impulse control within your body, yes? you're not going to make the leap from having a thought to being an active child predator in one fell swoop. the choice to harm a child, or to seek out pornographic material of child sexual abuse, are still choices that you would have to actually make. and it's making those choices to do harm that actually make child abusers a danger, not just having thoughts. having a thought all by itself doesn't hurt anyone; it's the way you act on it that has the potential to cause harm.

but again, I want to emphasize, sexual behavior is by and large a pretty easy wire not to get crossed with other things. please note the brave billions of people who manage to get through every day without groping their colleagues and random strangers because they understand it's not the appropriate time, place, or partner!

[roryknightwrites]

Aventurine Is BPD Coded- Some Thoughts

Ahhh welcome back everybody to another installment of 'Rory writes a ridiculously long essay nobody asked for to shine light on characters who exhibit symptoms of borderline personality disorder so that we can learn to recognize symptoms portrayed in media that aren't just 'crazy manipulative abusive ex' and start to treat the disorder with a shred of compassion' !!

A good chunk of you follow me because of my essay I wrote on Reo Mikage from Blue Lock, my beautiful borderline princess, and I am PLEASED to announce that my essay is now the first result when you search 'Reo Mikage BPD' on Google, AND he has since been added to the BPD character database !! Saving the world one baddie at a time, no need to thank me B)

Today, I want to write something out that I've been dying to share. I think Aventurine can be read as a BPD coded character, and I think he would be able to cop a diagnosis should he go see a therapist (which we all know he CLEARLY has not done). I've been puttering around posting this because I've been spending so long on a full, all encompassing analysis of this sick blonde man, but I want to take a quick break and kick my feet over BPD Aventurine, so I invite you to come kick your feet with me!

Some context before I start:

1.) Borderline representation is extremely important to me. I've got the BPD / CPTSD combo meal, so I'm having TWICE the fun !! But seriously though, it's not easy being viewed as crazy and 'bad' all the time. Trauma disorders are rough enough as it is just to live with / overcome, but it's worse when there are books, forums, blogs, shows, ect. dedicated to hating you and talking about how evil you are. So, I get really excited when I spy BPD-coded characters (especially if they're likable people and not just ghoulish irredeemable villains or manic pixie dream girl characters). Fans, characters, and even Aventurine himself refer to him as 'crazy' 'insane' 'unstable' which only further rang my BPD bells because he's not crazy; he's just traumatized!

2.) I’m not a psych, so I obviously can’t diagnose real people, and don’t use any of this to diagnose yourself (I don't need the scandal!) I do, however, have a masters degree in English and structured the basis of my education and published my thesis on mental health, cluster B personality disorders specifically, so I read and research a LOT. I’m confident enough in my knowledge to diagnose anime characters (lol).

3.) If you're somebody who has a weird hangup about borderlines, feel free to either not read this, or do read it and soak up some useful information! Regardless, I know Aventurine fans can have some really wild takes (/neg) , so believe what you want at the end of the day! This is just my interpretation of what's festering in that sad brain of his. You can disagree all you want to, but what we're not going to do is spread hateful stereotypes or perpetuate negative stigmas about BPD! That's cornball behavior and I will call you out for it ^-^

CW for discussion of death, suicide, self injury, and identity disturbances

Anyways, if you ask me, Aventurine has a case of Beautiful Princess Disorder, and I'd like to explain why <3 So, buckle up! This will be another long one.

First, let me define BPD: it's a personality disorder characterized by a long-standing pattern of instability in mood, interpersonal relationships, and self-image. Though it's coined as a 'personality disorder', I urge you to look at it as a trauma disorder. People most often develop it when they are repeatedly traumatized during their formative years. It actually overlaps a TON with complex post traumatic stress disorder, which is why a lot of us baddies end up with both! (On that note, you could definitely view Aventurine as CPTSD-coded as well! I'm a stinky kinnie so I'll just say he's both <3) I won't preach too much on why it's so necessary to treat borderline as a traumatic stress disorder (since hopefully I'll be focusing my own personal academic research on that and I could yap for HOURS about it lol).

But when we look at BPD properly, it's evident that the basis of this disorder is that these people didn't have the opportunity to learn and foster proper emotional reactions. Because of the recurring traumatic events, sections of borderline's brains are underdeveloped as a result. They have a smaller amygdala and they have reduced volume in the prefrontal cortex, as well as other differences in brain development. I've heard it described as 'you were forced to learn some behaviors that helped you survive at one point in your life (for example, maybe fervent efforts to avoid abandonment, unstable emotional reactions, self harming tendencies, lying, mirroring, etc.,) but now you need to unlearn them, because they’re no longer helping you.'  They're trauma responses.

Aventurine shows us a perfect example of the kind of shit that would make someone develop BPD: dude grew up in extreme poverty, was constantly told he was special and he was supposed to bring good luck, watched his entire family and race die in front of him when he was literally still just a kid, was kidnapped and sold into slavery, was forced to murder roughly 34 people while everybody watched him like it was a game, probably went through several other fucked up things while he was enslaved, and then killed his slave owner and was promptly sentenced to death for it. That's...a whole lot of ridiculous trauma that would severely impact somebody's ability to mentally grow and develop correctly. The bulk of his childhood/adolescence was spent with no safety, no security, overwhelming guilt, constant fight or flight reactions, learning how to take on other personas to avoid violence or mistreatment – you get the point. He did not have a normal life and it is absolutely probable that he would develop a trauma disorder from the shit he's been through.

So then, what behaviors/signs does somebody need to exhibit to receive a Borderline diagnosis? The 9 diagnostic criteria for BPD are as follows:

1. Fear of abandonment

2. Unstable or changing relationships

3. Unstable self-image; struggles with identity or sense of self

4. Impulsive or self-damaging behaviors

5. Suicidal behavior or self-injury

6. Varied or random mood swings

7. Constant feelings of worthlessness or sadness

8. Problems with anger, including frequent loss of temper or physical fights

9. Stress-related paranoia or loss of contact with reality

As with my last post, I'm going to organize this based on the 5 immediate traits I think Aventurine exhibits most (you only need 5 out of 9 to receive a diagnosis, so let me cut to the chase and stop wasting your time w my yapping).

Fear of Abandonment:

Aventurine has a habit of wanting relationships and then pushing them away once they get too close. He also clearly has trauma associated with losing people prematurely.

First of all, let's look at Aventurine's tendency to view relationships as transactional. With the expectation that a friendship, partnership – whatever –  is mutually beneficial, that generally implies both parties will leave satisfied once the 'transaction' is complete. That’s his parting line in the game, actually! “Satisfied with our transaction, I trust?” 

That being said, he's already prepared for people to leave when they're done getting what they want from him. In one trailer (and the game) he refers to himself as "another cog in the machine known as the strategic investment department" and then says, "Your humble servant aventurine at your disposal [...] I can also play the role of ‘friend’ – if needed; Go ahead, use me as you wish, even stab me in the back if you see fit."

This is a very strange thing to say upon first meeting someone LMAO. He's speaking of himself like he's an object, rather than a person. Before the other party even says anything, he's basically saying 'hey btw if you end up disappointing me in some way, i'm already prepared for it!' Establishing relationships with the assumption that the other person will betray you/abandon you/hurt you in some way? Borderline behavior. God forbid somebody does try to break down one of these walls, we'll see Aventurine's second habit to avoid abandonment: pushing people away.

Something people don't necessarily consider is that ‘efforts to avoid abandonment’ doesn't always mean the person is on their knees begging you to not to leave them. It can manifest as someone being very flighty and purposefully cutting ties randomly/pushing people away from them so that nobody is able to abandon them. If you leave first, they can’t leave you, right? This is a very common behavior for borderlines to avoid the pain that comes with being abandoned.

The most notable moment of this, in my opinion, is when Aventurine tries to gaslight himself into thinking that Ratio really did stab him in the back during their ploy against Sunday. As we know, their fighting, bickering, and Ratio's 'betrayal' were all part of Aventurine's plan. When they leave Sunday's office, Ratio immediately asks if he's okay and if he needs help, and Aventurine is very dismissive/a little rude in his response. Ratio is confused because Aventurine is talking as if he wasn't the one who MADE this plan and TOLD Ratio what to do:

Aventurine is basically saying, "Hey babe this is not in the script we talked about! Let's stay on track, remember? You hate me, you betrayed me, and now you're leaving me!" And Ratio is like "Yeah okay but are you good? Because you don't seem good,” but Aventurine's heels are so far in the dirt at this point that he is NOT budging at all. When he's in the Trauma Maze, Future Aventurine grills him on this moment:

I get why this part confused some people; why would Aventurine think this when the plan was his idea in the first place? Because, he subconsciously doesn't want to get too attached to the idea that Ratio might ACTUALLY care about him or want to help him. He's forcing himself to think "no, that's not what he was doing, he was planning on actually ratting me out all along, he was only asking about my wellbeing to get in my head."

However, I think it's evident that Aventurine wants relationships/attention just as much as everybody else does, he just won't let himself have it. To further this idea, I think the lyrics to White Night (the Penacony trailer theme song) are worth looking at (these specifically):

I don't wanna be alone tonightOh, lead me with your altered signThere's no one else left for me to loseHeadin' to the other side, other side

I don't wanna be alone tonightI'll bring you to my best disguise'Cause you don't need, don't need to know the truthLet me rave forever in your life

The song is obviously about Aventurine when you look at the lyrics, but these lines in particular just further my point that this man does NOT like the fact that he's alone. He wants relationships, he wants closeness, but he rejects it at the same time out of fear that he might lose somebody prematurely again and doesn't want to experience being abandoned or being rejected for his personality (his real one or his fake one), which leads me to...

Unstable Self-Image; Struggles With Identity or Sense of Self:

The shift from Kakavasha to Aventurine screwed this guy up REAL bad. A MASSIVE part of Aventurine's character, in my opinion, is his struggle with his identity/sense of self. I mean, he literally had to kill off who he used to be in order to live how he's living now, and he didn't have much of a choice in the matter. Jade sums it up pretty well when Aventurine is sat before her on trial: 

Aventurine joining the IPC comes with the price of...well, becoming 'Aventurine'. Since I'm clocking him with a BPD diagnosis, the identity disturbance would have probably happened before this moment, and I think it did. I'll bet it started festering after that first massive traumatic event where he watched his family die and tried to rationalize how that was possible with his 'good luck' (since that was really the only consistent idea he had about himself), and it probably only got worse when he became fixated on the fact that whoever tf he is, he's only worth 60 copper coins (did the math – that's about $3). That's gotta cause some massive identity issues. He's coined as this ‘good luck charm’, this ‘blessed child’, a ‘beacon of hope for the Avgins’, and somehow, he ended up in the absolute worst situation possible while simultaneously dooming all of the Avgins (obviously not his fault, but he thinks it's his fault).

When Jade tells him to pick a new identity, ironically he picks one that is everything he probably grew to hate after his childhood/adolescence.

Associating with the wealthy? The rich were the people who paid to brand him and enslave him. The IPC? Promised to help the Avgins but disappeared when the Katicans invaded, then came back and kidnapped him to sell him as a slave. Now he's both wealthy and a part of the IPC, and you have to wonder how he truly feels about it. We'll look into that more later. Regardless, he's not really 'free' now, even if he isn't technically owned by a master anymore. He's chained to the IPC because this is life now; this is his identity. Where else would he even go? What else would he do? (Die, perhaps?) It's not like he can go home, or go live a peaceful life out on the countryside somewhere. He made 'Aventurine' his entire life and his entire personality. On that note, I really like this quote from his third character story:

“The aventurine, that symbol of power and of the future, is about to be officially handed to him — Yet it would have no more allure or value in his eyes as soon he obtains it, even though he had sought it by putting his life on the line.

He returns to his office in a daze. The aventurine stone emits a peculiar glow on his desk, seemingly congratulating and mocking him at the same time."Was luck truly on your side when you wrestled with fate?"”

Did he really luck out with this one? Comparatively, of course, this is better than his life as a slave, but he essentially just traded his rusted chains for golden ones. Becoming Aventurine might wind up bringing him a lot more pain than it was worth. 

Also, the outfit he chose? Covered in gold, fur, and jewels, all materials that somebody who knows nothing about being rich would assume rich people wear in excess. It's evident in his tacky taste (sorry honey I love you so much but the hat is just crazy work you look like a pimp) that he doesn't know anything about how to dress himself. And I bully him for being tacky but it makes sense! He dresses exactly how you'd think an out-of-touch billionaire would dress. Back to his sense of identity: it's very important to establish that Aventurine feels guilty about taking on this persona! That's all 'Aventurine' is: a persona. If he were to die tomorrow, the IPC would dust off that stone and give it to another bozo who would end up being the next 'Aventurine'.

While he didn't initially develop this personality subconsciously and it was a 'choice' to start playing this role (not that he had a plethora of alternative options), the perpetuation is damaging him mentally. He does a good job of keeping up the act, obviously. This theme that his entire personality is just one big act is overarching through the entire Penacony quest, but there's one moment in particular I really liked: when Sparkle is being a jerk and he has this offhand comment about how he's so frivolous, vain, and flashy, and how he'd hate to live anywhere where it rained since his outfit is too expensive to get wet.

Then, we have this interaction in the maze: Future Aventurine brings up the memory of him and his big sister playing dead, floating in bloody water to avoid being killed by the Katicans when they attacked. He mentions that it was his father's shirt, the last one his father left behind before dying, and that it was ruined. Aventurine says it wasn't ruined, and he's always kept it. (I wonder if that's the shirt he wore during his time enslaved?) Future Aventurine grills him and asks ‘why keep it? This new person that you are would never wear something so dirty and old. 'Aventurine' wouldn't want that old rag, it's not worth any money. 'Aventurine' would never splash around in murky water like that; he wouldn't need to.’ Nobody is hunting him, now he's the hunter. Future Aventurine makes the snide comment that he bets Aventurine wouldn't even dare to go outside in the rain, let alone do any of the things Kakavasha had to do, since he's so much more elite now. Aventurine, clearly hurt by the implication, says that even after all this time, he's never changed.

Of course, he hasn't. Deep down, no matter how much he tries to trick himself and everybody around him, he's still the same scared, traumatized boy he always has been. His future self chastises him for having an inferiority complex and mentions that with every gamble he makes, he has his left hand shaking in fear behind his back.

But the constant pull to push Kakavasha down and keep up this act that 'Aventurine' is the real him obviously perpetuated the identity disturbance in him and made it a hundred times worse, to the point where (as Future Aventurine points out) the hole he's dug is basically impossible to climb out of.

Because of this, I interpret Aventurine to constantly be struggling with his identity, not knowing who really exists under all the masks he wears, not knowing if he or anybody around him will ever figure it out. I imagine he feels very empty and unfulfilled, since as I mentioned in the abandonment section, he doesn't want to be alone. But the higher he climbs on the social ladder, the further he can separate himself from other people. This is a classic issue borderlines face. We masquerade as something we think the people around us will like, someone WE might like, but it always ends up leaving us feeling more empty than before.

(This is just an added bonus to chew on, but I got stuck on this line when I played through Penacony:)

Do you think once he became Aventurine and got the money and the resources, he researched toys that normal kids play with? Fancy ones like building blocks, stuff that he would have never been exposed to as a kid? Obviously baby Kakavasha would not know wtf building toys looked like, and I'm sure teenage Kakavasha didn't have the opportunity to browse toy catalogs. But, he recognizes the toy even though he says he's never played with them before. Maybe he considered buying it but decided against it, since it doesn't fit his new persona. Kakavasha doesn't exist anymore, so there's no reason to nurture that part of him. Anyways, just wanted to hurt y'all a bit more. Speaking of hurting ourselves:

Impulsive or Self-Damaging Behaviors + Suicidal Behavior or Self Injury:

I'm combining these two because my points kept blending together, so bear with me lol.

Aventurine is known for being incredibly reckless and putting himself in the path of danger over and over again. When discussing how he tricked Sunday with the Cornerstones, Future Aventurine asks:

I want to exaggerate how crazy it is (i can say that i'm also a bpd baddie) that he smashed his Cornerstone. I don't think a Stoneheart has ever done that before. Their stone is what makes them a Stoneheart. Ratio mentions that without it, Aventurine would be back to being nobody. Remember: that's what makes him Aventurine. You know, the persona that required him to kill off his former identity? Their Cornerstones are more important than the Stonehearts’ lives, as stated multiple times. But that's just it: Aventurine doesn't GAF about his life. He doesn't mind putting his life on the line to pull off his plan because he has that deep-rooted desire to punish himself for everything he thinks was his fault. He gets called out for gambling with his life multiple times during Penacony, and while most of the time it's reduced to him just being crazy (cough, bpd) or just having a severe gambling problem. Extremely hot take, but I think he gambles literally as another way to hurt himself. I mean, look at what he says when you ask about his hobbies:

"There's no denying it, my fascination is with the game of chance... be it the exhilarating rush of triumph or the extensive emptiness that follows, both are worth savoring, time and time again."

Being impulsive and risky, betting his life over and over –  it makes him feel alive. He knows the end result will hurt, that he'll have to face that 'extensive emptiness' and the extreme guilt he feels regarding his continued good luck, but he does it anyway.

Speaking of betting, his bets are always 'all or nothing', seemingly every time. Future Aventurine calls him out on always risking everything with every gamble, asking:

"Do you truly believe the greater the risk, the greater the reward?"

Or...do you just not care what happens to you? He doesn't need to risk a lot; he's never lost. He could bet the lowest amount and still win every time, and make a lot of money depending on what everybody else bet. In fact, that would actually be a better strategy in gambling (poker/black jack specifically), because it would insinuate that he's not very confident with his hand and prompt the other players to bet higher, assuming that they'll beat him.

I imagine he gets a shred of dopamine betting everything he has knowing that he'll probably win, but hey, who knows? Then after winning and multiplying everything he has, I imagine that 'extensive emptiness' that he refers to is the feeling of 'oh good, more money. More status. More success. A reminder that no matter what I do, I'm stuck here in this role forever.'

For some reason, he also thinks that taking risks makes him appear more confident and secure. He makes a show of always keeping up the big bets and he boasts about how successful he is, while clutching his hand behind his back thinking 'oh god, is this it? will I finally lose this time?' He brings this up when he's speaking with himself and he says, 'How could a weak person take such daring risks?"

Oh, the delicious irony.

That raises the question, though: if he wants to die so badly, why hasn't he yet? It's not like he had an easy life. He fought very hard to stay alive, so why does he act so recklessly now?

I think at his core, he's scared. Dying is scary. His family is there in the afterlife; would they be disappointed in the person he’s become? At the same time, being alive is exhausting. The constant emotional pain this guy probably deals with every day? It's gotta be heavy.

His behaviors around suicide remind of a classic passively suicidal person with BPD: maybe they don't necessarily want to die, but they're tired. They don't have an active plan, but If something is going to kill them, they're not going to move out of the way.

So, carrying out his Penacony plan makes sense. Of course he’s not completely sure what will happen when Acheron kills him, but because he doesn’t have anything to live for, he’s fine gambling with his life. He makes a show of finally throwing out every last chip, too, no longer clutching them under the table in fear. He was fine with smashing the Aventurine stone because it's not like he was planning on using it after his final show; the little bit of power it had left in it was more than enough.

That being said, we do have to address this little number:

Aventurine attempted several times in Penacony, he admits it flat out. The writers even went sofar as to bold this line specifically! I think this does also go hand-in-hand with him being passively suicidal, since he's pretty sure he'll live when he attempts in the dream, but he's gonna try it SEVERAL times just to be sure. Mentally healthy people wouldn't try it... once, Aventurine!

As if we needed more evidence that Aventurine constantly puts himself in danger, you know I HAVE to mention...the light cone:

n case you haven't read the description for this light cone, let me share it with you:

"You don't believe me?"He (Aventurine) provocatively looks at the man (Ratio) before him, then draws out a revolver, empties its cylinder, and leaves a single shot in the chamber.

"Seems like I'll need to get you up to speed on how I do things if our cooperation were to remain amicable."He pushes the gun into his opponent's hand, spins the cylinder, and points the barrel to his own chest.

He pulls the trigger repeatedly, and the smile on his face remains the same after three empty clicks."Life is a grand gamble, and I'll always be the final victor."

Now what the HELL is this? Mind you, this is the first time Ratio has met this man!!! Imagine you meet your new mission partner for the first time and he puts a revolver in your hand and fires it thrice, then leaves. WHO does that? (...a baddie, perhaps!)

I don't think it's a secret to anybody who has spent a reasonable amount of time around Aventurine that there's something off about him, and that there's a really deep sadness running through him. There's some instances where other characters mention his passive desire to die – A few quick examples I can think of:

The instance in Story IV with Opal:

"Maybe luck won't be on your side this time, and the bill for all your past good fortune will come due [...] But isn't that what you've been longing for?"

Opal implies Aventurine wants to fail on Penacony, which, as we've discussed, is an accurate assumption. Jade says something similar after Aventurine's stunt: when Topaz says the light in his stone went out, Jade replies by saying "he got what he wanted."

Also, I’d like to point out that Ratio must have been anticipating that Aventurine would do something rash, since he wrote that note (doctor's advice) long before he started grilling him after the meeting with Sunday.

It's also worth noting the nod to T.S Eliot's "The Waste Land" (a very long poem about life and death). You get the achievement Sibyl, What Do You Want? after playing through the past of Kakavasha's life, and once you defeat boss Aventurine, you get the achievement She Replied, I Want to Die. I don't think that one needs an explanation, but boy does it hurt! (There's other, smaller nods to him being suicidal, like the Waiting for Godot achievement – Google the story if you're unfamiliar. Not as relevant, but I must mention it bc it makes my english major brain go brrrrr)

Also, overspending/gambling/being loose with money is a very common vice for borderlines to indulge in and harm themselves with. It's also implied that he drinks a decent amount. I counted 6 bottles of SoulGlad in his hotel room just from the angles I could see, and he's shown to be passed out at the bar when Ratio goes to get him before they go on their little date-I mean, mission. Aventurine says 'he must have drank too much', and whether or not that was true is irrelevant since it was a believable enough claim that Ratio bought it.

Borderlines are (usually) self-destructive in some capacity, and while some very annoying people assume it's for attention, it's so much more common for it to be because our inner emotions are just so out of whack. Sometimes, matching the inner pain with outer pain is a way to cope. They might also do it to try and combat-

Constant Feelings of Worthlessness or Sadness:

Probably the most nagging, prevalent feeling Aventurine deals with is the constant feeling of worthlessness. One thing about this man? He hates himself. Like, really hates himself. Take a look at the missions during his maze in Penacony. This one is one of my favorites:

It doesn't get much more on-the-nose than him calling himself a selfish, useless loser. He gets stuck on that word, in particular. Loser.

Aventurine, at his core, views himself as a massive loser. Is that ironic because of how much he wins? Not really. Money and materials are just part of the Aventurine persona. He's 'rich' in stuff, but he's not rich in what he actually wants. I think it's obvious that if he had the option to quadruple his wealth or see his sister again just one more time, we all know what he'd be picking.

The only thing he wants is connection – connection with his mother, his father, his sister, anybody at this point – but he can't have it. His family has been dead for a long while, and as I discussed before, his fear of abandonment and his luck scare him away from forming any other relationships. 

This luck, this destiny to be blessed, leads him to reflect on his life a lot and wonder what the hell the point is. He treats himself like some sort of walking curse, because he's convinced that his luck is bound to hurt other people. Every time he wins, somebody else loses. The luck that keeps him safe destroys everybody else around him. As Future Aventurine puts it:

His luck is "built on the pain of someone" else. This perpetuates the constant feeling of guilt, which in turn, makes him feel worthless. Why is it him that's spared every time?

Then, right before you start his boss fight, Aventurine says,

"The architect's flawed stone, of no value at all."

Some people speculate he's talking to the MC when he says this, but I can't help but assume that he's referring to himself. Even if it was directed at the MC, so much of what Aventurine says in his bluffs and boasts are just digs at himself. He's sort of an expert at hating himself, and what do people who hate themselves do if not project? Especially when you consider the fact that aventurine is actually a really cheap, undesired stone. It's like $3 a caret and mostly only used to rip people off and pose as jade. I really don't think it's a coincidence that his character is based around a stone that is, essentially, worthless.

The way that Aventurine is also prone to giving people ridiculous amounts of money/gifts can be read as a frantic effort to keep relationships going and prevent people from leaving him (relating to my points on both his feelings of worthless and his fear of abandonment). He has a skewed view on relationships, since the only value that's ever been associated with him is monetary value and that of his 'luck', which in every context is spoken of as an asset to benefit people he cares about. His sister told him that his luck was 'the most precious wealth' of the Avgins and Jade sees him as an investment that can bring her more wealth because of his luck, but he views it as a massive burden that ends up wrecking everybody around him. So how does he prove to other people that someone as worthless as him should be allowed a seat at the table? Deep down, he thinks that he's still worth 60 red copper pieces, and he's desperate to show other people that he's worth more than that now – even though he doesn't believe it at his core. With all the money he wins now, he can throw it at people and say 'look, look how much money I'm worth now, you want me around because I can buy you anything you want, that's a useful quality in a friend!'

(I did use the 'seat at the table line' as a nod to what his slave master said to him when they were discussing his worth: "Don't forget your place, slave. You're not qualified to be at the table." Which is, painfully, what Aventurine says when you open up chests! He scoffs and says that "it's hardly enough for a seat at the table." :’) )

There is also, of course, Aventurine's overarching struggle with finding purpose in his life. We see a lot of his existentialism during his trauma maze, but at the end of his trauma maze, Future Aventurine finally stops ripping Aventurine a new one and is vulnerable for a second, saying he doesn't understand what he's ever done wrong to have suffered as much as he has.

Then, when he's in the Nihility and he's speaking to Acheron, making the decision on whether or not he even wants to keep going, he asks her:

As I said, he has this conversation with himself in the maze as well, but here he's actually being vulnerable and speaking to somebody else about it: what's the point in being alive if we're just born to suffer? If nothing else, this solidifies the emotional struggle that Aventurine is constantly having. I also think it furthers the idea that he has this nagging sort of emptiness inside of him which is another BPD trait: the feeling that you're empty at your core, and you're constantly trying to fill it with things (friends, money, substances, whatever) but nothing ever works. You worry if anything will ever make you feel 'whole' again, and pair with the the identity disturbance? You're left with a constant feeling of despair.

Other Points:

These are a few other random thoughts I have, inspired by in-game moments but I'm taking them for my own evil fiendish BPD narrative. Take them with a grain of salt.

I think the stigma he gets around 'being crazy' is really BPD-coded. Separate from the ridiculous discrimination he gets for being an Avgin where people assume he's a liar and wolf in sheep's clothing (which can this man catch a SINGLE break jfc), he also has this reputation of being crazy, insane, manipulative, cunning, and someone you want to avoid, which is more rooted in his reckless gambling habit and status with the IPC. Living with this reputation of being insane and unstable for...lowkey no reason at all? Very BPD coded. I think Aventurine leans into that stigma to keep people a certain distance away, but it also just ends up making him hate himself even more.

Also, his entire mantra is "all or nothing", which always rang my BPD bells as well. There's not a lot of gray area with him, which is a key trait in borderlines as we often display very black-and-white thought patterns.

In Conclusion:

I think Aventurine is a borderline princess <3

No but actually though, Aventurine is extremely smart, witty, funny, generous, and very kind-hearted, and he also happens to have a lot of BPD symptoms :^) I don't think it does any harm to view him as BPD-coded; in fact, I think it's great to associate positive, fan-favorite characters like this with BPD because it helps to humanize us. Borderlines are not violent, crazy maniacs, they're people who have been severely traumatized and developed some unhealthy habits because of it. They deserve love, respect, understanding, and communication, just as everybody else does.

If you actually made it this far, thank you for reading! I hope I was able to shed some light on Aventurine and his Symptoms. And, as I do in all of my BPD posts, here’s your reminder to kiss the borderline baddies in your life and tell them they’re important to you :^) Living with BPD is exhausting and I know I speak for all of us when I say that. We try so hard every day to stay positive and regulated, and though rewarding, it's exhausting and very hard work. Nothing makes us smile more than some recognition that we're trying our best !!

Till next time xoxo (and shout out to @roxirinart for helping me edit this monstrosity mwahhh mwah)

[thesoftboiledegg]

"Unmortricken" was a lot. In fact, it might have been a little too much.

To start, I loved the glimpse of what exists outside the Central Finite Curve. The visuals were stunning and reminded me of M.C. Escher's drawings. The Jetson-like family was a nice touch--if anything can happen, who says they can't have different animation styles? All those colorful portals make me wonder what's lurking just out of sight.

It's also funny that the space outside the Curve is full of Rick's favorite thing: crystals. If he took a trip there, he'd come back with his pockets stuffed with gemstones.

Evil Morty's reappearance gave us a decent character study. Since he wasn't the antagonist, we saw him interact with the C-137s as a regular person. Morty's a little impressed, and Rick has a grudging respect for him. Others have called Evil Morty the Rickest Morty, and I agree: similar intelligence, similar technology and similar bloodthirst.

I was glad that he left in the end because that's what his character arc is about anyway. He doesn't want to be part of anyone else's story, not even another Morty's.

However, that's also part of the issue that I had with this episode. Seeing Evil Morty was great, but it was also a little...pointless? You could've had the same story without him. He's not working with Prime, and he has no ties to C-137 after "Rickmurai Jack," so it felt like the writers just said "Hey, you know what would be cool?"

I'm not against writers having fun and giving the audience what they want. "Spider-Man: No Way Home" (yeah, groan at me, Marvel haters) is fan service in blockbuster form, and it was one of the best theater experiences I've ever had.

Still, if Evil Morty came back, I think he should've had a separate episode. The episode juggled C-137 Rick, Morty, Evil Morty and Prime Rick pretty well, giving them satisfying interactions with each other, but no Evil Morty would've meant more relationship development for the C-137s.

Evil Morty's backstory also didn't reveal much about him. I mean--yeah, we all figured that he had an abusive Rick and got fed up. The fact that he had a "regular" Rick instead of a deranged lunatic does make a point about the banality of abuse. Monsters aren't always raving maniacs who torture people in their basements. Ordinary people can wear you down with a slow drip of toxicity and neglect.

I enjoyed this episode, and Evil Morty's return was exciting, but cramming the series' two biggest antagonists and storylines into twenty minutes was a little overwhelming. New plot developments kept showing up, too: Rick found Prime! Prime's various lairs! Omega device! I would've preferred a two-parter.

I'll admit that if you told me that we'd see Evil Morty and Rick Prime in the same shot, I never would have believed you, but here we are.

On that note, Prime's characterization was perfect. No attempt at a cutesy, sad backstory; he's a laughing monster until the end. And is it really the end? He has regeneration abilities, but C-137 acts like he's dead and even gives up the search. This leaves us with a few options:

C-137 killed him.

Prime fooled C-137 into thinking that he's dead when he isn't.

C-137's keeping him alive for later use.

Hopefully, this is more complicated than it looks because I'll be disappointed if this is the end of Prime. He's a brilliant reflection of C-137: the Rick he'd be without his tiny shred of humanity.

And Prime's a maniac, but he tells C-137 the truth. Rick broke into Prime's house. He pretended he belonged with this group of strangers. He latched on to Prime's grandson because he never had his own. His brutal, violent streak never went away no matter how long he tried to play house.

Prime says "Admit it! You would have been me!" In season three and parts of season four, Rick was close. His love for his family--love that he pretended he didn't have--and desire for their approval just barely pulled him back. But what kept that spark alive? How close was he to becoming a cold, unfeeling shell?

In the end, C-137's not satisfied after he destroys Prime--and weirdly, I'm not satisfied, either. Beating Prime to an unrecognizable pulp doesn't bring Rick's original family back. It doesn't erase the atrocities that Rick's committed. It doesn't make his grief go away. It doesn't change the fact that Rick teetered on the edge of turning into the monster that he despised.

What's more satisfying is that Rick didn't turn out like Prime. His Morty doesn't give two shits about Prime, but he loves him. He hugs him in relief (come on, Rick, hug him back already!), cries out "Rick? Rick!" and shakes his body when he thinks he's dead, and talks excitedly as they return home.

Rick's going to therapy, which Prime would have mocked. He went from having nobody to living with FIVE kids if you count Morty and Summer. Even he and his Jerry are pretty tight.

Rick knows this, but he still feels empty all the time. Vengeance doesn't work, drinking doesn't work...wouldn't it be easier if he just switched off his humanity and laughed at everything, even his own death?

But now that he knows how it feels to be loved, especially by his hypothetical grandson, I think he'll always find himself at the Smiths' doorstep.

[corviiids]

hello hi i would like to ask how you get your characterization and indirect (?) character framing right, if that's not too much of a heavy question... there's this bit in the first chapter of as you like it which hit me like a sledgehammer when i first read it -- when the phantom thieves were all talking around akechi's absence. it was such a brilliant and clever way to showcase the conversation, and it's stuck with me for a while -- i asked my writing professor about it and he did not. really have any clear answers for how to replicate and learn to do that.... and also the slightly sardonic (?) tone akechi takes on, and the different ways his own internal narration presents itself based on who he's in conversation with and what AU / story context he is in. it's a small yet brilliant detail which i haven't been able to as of yet understand how to write. i've been sending your fics and tweets to my two lovely friends who i have also dragged into the p5r rabbit hole! they're always a delight to read and reread and sometimes longingly look at from afar and wait for their completion (cough cough as you like it). thank you!

hii thank you so much 😭 it means a lot to me that ayli resonated with you!! i am reeling slightly that you asked your professor about it. did you show your professor goro akechi fanfiction? my goro akechi fanfiction? powers i cannot conceive of. i shake your hand. also ayli next chapter is in the works i promise!!!!!!!!! writing progress has been on hold lately due to life. gestures

hmm so i don't know how to answer this precisely because if im reading your question correctly it's more of like a Vibe than a specific thing, right, which is hard to define enough to explain since im honestly just happy to hear it exists at all. also this is a scene i wrote in probably 2019 ie over six years ago now (screams), so there are things i would do differently now... but i will try my best!!

i think the main thing for me in a scene like this is to keep pov front and centre. any vibe that's achieved in this scene comes as a result of that, because pov is the filter through which the events of the scene are experienced. this fic is written in limited third person pov, so i have to remember that because the narrator is a character, the narration is also a character. all we have access to is ren, so i get to use his thoughts, feelings, biases, tendencies, etc to frame the reality of the story and i have to remember im not presenting the world the way it is, im presenting the world the way he's experiencing it. so the entire scene has to take on whatever he's feeling. and in the first scene of ayli, ren is feeling Bad, so the narration and subsequently the scene have to take on his tension.

ren is trying to shut down, which is how he copes, but he's not quite able to because he's also feeling the pressure of being the leader and keeping it together for everyone else. he's extremely aware that something very traumatic has just happened for his team, and being the person he is he feels the responsibility to step up for them. but he can't.

Ren is vaguely aware that he’s shaking again, but thank god no one’s noticed but Ann and she’s always taking his hand anyway. Plausible deniability remains. This isn’t how he wanted the tension to overflow. This isn’t when. He’s meant to go downstairs and simmer curry and reassurances, and then they’re all meant to leave knowing tomorrow is another day and their fearless leader’s gonna fearlessly lead them into it, Morgana keeping pace with Futaba for the night to provide comfort to the one who needs it and deserves to, and then he can climb back up the stairs and slowly and patiently tear his hair out in methodical shreds in the cosy quiet comfort of his own storage facility capacity of one. But they’re all frozen, and the carrots are still in the fridge, and Futaba is up and demanding the centre of attention. And up is down. And signals are gone.

so pov is the first filter: the scene is tense because he's tense. the narration cuts off constantly because he's spiralling and trying to stop himself from doing it. what i was trying to do with the stop-start narration is to show that ren's losing control over his thoughts but trying constantly to reign them back in, which should give you information about ren but also disorient the reader. kind of a two for one effect where you're learning about ren but you're also Experiencing the scene As him. (weird prose can be ur best friend)

pov is the subjective factor and it's how we frame the scene, so then we can move onto the other more obvious factors which are the objective ones so to speak: ie outside of ren's/our pov, what's actually happening?

ren's not the only one who's tense, everyone else is tense too. so who are these people. they've just watched a fellow student die who shared a lot of similarities with them. (whatever p5 wants you to think i Do believe that yes having one of your peers die right in front of your face would be traumatising.) they're also bound by social niceties right now. nobody's saying anything about it and it feels taboo to bring it up. they're all trying to act okay. this is obvs a matter of first knowing all your characters (how would x phantom thief respond in a situation like this)

but a maybe another, slightly less(?) obvious piece of 'advice' that works for me is to consider that absence can also be a character. akechi isn't in this scene but he absolutely is in this scene. so if im struggling with making the cast discuss this in a way that captures the fragility and awkwardness and bloat that i need it to, i try to like... imagine the conversation as holding this big breakable thing that fills up way too much space and if you aren't careful with it then it'll explode. akechi is there. in everyone's effort not to talk about him, they end up emphasising the presence of his absence. it's very different from someone not being there at all. is that really abstract and unhelpful i am so sorry please ask me more questions if you need me to clear that up i don't think that made any sense at all

ok anyway. on ren's internal narration in particular: i do think a large part of it is just that ren is a special boy. (said while kicking him in the shins) the way i like to write him, he's very uniquely malleable at the surface and totally uncompromising at the core. but that surface level adaptability makes him a super interesting conversation partner and science experiment to place in new situations because of how quickly and easily he reshapes himself to fit into them. honestly the approach is just that i keep track of which parts of ren are uncompromising (loyalty, dedication to fairness, protectiveness, quiet stubbornness, etc) and then the rest of it is about knowing who he's speaking to/the situation he's in and what they would need from him, because i think that's how he runs the assessment himself. ok for real lmao the confidant point-up system is actually an incredible way to understand this if you imagine it as ren's internal process for deciding what to say next, which i sometimes make explicit in fic. e.g. if you look at his responses when he's talking to iwai, there'll usually be like, a neutral answer, a kind answer, and a talk-back answer, or something like that. all three are things that ren could plausibly say, but ren's figured out that iwai usually prefers it when he has a smart mouth. that's the best way to put iwai at ease and make him open up (+3 points) so ren will preference that attitude when they're speaking over the others. other characters prefer a gentler approach, a strong one, a funny one, etc it's not fake, because none of these attitudes are insincere - they're all ren, he keeps them all within him and they all share that core, it's just a matter of which side of his face he turns to show them based on what they need from him. (akechi's the only one who seems really into JUST the core and not the faces imo.) literally to an extent we all do this. you might be more teasing with friend x than friend y because you know x will banter back but y won't like it. ren just kind of happens to be supernaturally good at it.

i am RAMBLING again but maybe the key here is just to remember that a shape that has 100 different faces is still just one shape...? you can't make him vary too much because he has to be recognisable, you just have to think, like, first of all who is ren and second of all what are the aspects of him that he could turn public-facing? what does he look like when he's shy, when he's bold, when he's sweet, etc, and make sure all those things are still recognisable as having ren in common (as opposed to just being three different guys).

[fujomoder]

Regarding Stella,

I do genuinly think it is terrible writing to have her be evil for the sake of evil; it is a tired female villain trope and I do feel that even Stella deserves more depth beyond 'evil ex-wife'

It is not good when you intend for your audience to dislike her as a person but end up making her a bad character on a fundamental level for lack of better characterization.

I would have loved to see her circumstances turn her into the wicked and maligned glutton that she is, in the same way we see how those same circumstances ushered Stolas into subservience, repression and passivity, living vicariously through romantic novels and films and then running into the arms of the first man that would have him.

what does Stella want beyond all that Stolas has? What does taking from him mean for her, and could she be fulfilled through more positive outlets?

Of course, Stella was forced into an arranged marriage and made to raise a child while only one herself just the same as Stolas, and from that we can infer that the control she has over Stolas acts to veneer her own sense powerlessness.

This is something you, the viewer, must clip chimp for. Stella as a person is never dissected in the actual show.

In canon, Stella is evil because she is evil. Our first glimpse of her as a child is her angrily shredding a stuffed animal, and what are we supposed to take away from that besides "oh... she's always been that way"?

You have a good foundation for some standard social commentary; two people who take diverging paths in address their trauma and feelings of isolation, but only one of these characters is given any sort of dimension.

They are just ignoring the nuances of being a Shitty Guy. your antagonist can be sympathic and it doesn't have to excuse anything they've done. In the same way Stolas didn't mean to hurt Blitz, but it's still something he needs to apologize for.

Wrapping up, I don't think stella is evil simply to make Stolas look good, contrary to popular belief. despite it being born of ignorance and his own rose-tinted view of the world and Stolas meaning well, he still has classist tendencies. His juvenile understanding of love and trial-and-error way of expressing it made Blitz feel used and then abandoned. I am a Stolas lover, a Stolas apologist even, but he does not have a clean record and Stella does not distract from that, el-oh-el.

I'm still holding out hope for a Stella-centric episode, but it seems like the focus will be on Stolas and Blitz for a while. I'm hoping for lots of talks, some I'm-sorry's and Blitz's long-awaited confession.

[annamariehamilton-unofficial]

Random Ghoulposting: A Gay Ghoul?!? Followup, part I

So, my little "No gay ghouls? hold my coffee" joke post seems to have gone a bit viral, which I was not at all expecting; anyway, I just wanted to post a little followup with some of my personal thoughts and theories apropos of Tokyo Ghoul and the lgbt community. I wouldn't consider myself to be queer, but I do know a bunch of people in that community, so, idk, hopefully this is insightful.

Obviously you are welcome to disagree with me, this is just my specific interpretation.

The Fandom

As I've deep-dove into the TG fandom in the last few months, I've discovered this really interesting paradox in that Sui Ishida, the author, has a really unfortunate tendency to rely on negative stereotypes and tropes for his characterization of queer characters. And yet, at the same time, TG seems to deeply resonate with (some) members of the lgbtq community because its themes of being an outsider in greater society and the importance of learning to accept those who are different from you. Like I don't think I've ever seen a work be both so riddled with homophobic/transphobic stereotypes and also so beloved by people in the queer community (at least so far as I can tell on Tumblr, which is, admittedly, a microcosm).

A couple of reasons for this, I think. For one, I've noticed a lot of queer people really resonate with horror and fantasy. And not just queer people -- people of any minority/marginalized identity, really. But it is a pretty pronounced trend among queer folks as far as I've seen. Fantasy and horror are this really great venue for exploring feelings of alienation and "otherness" in ways that can honestly feel more authentic expressed with "unreal" elements than in a more strictly realist fashion. Like instead of it being like, "ok, here's this gay/black/disabled/autistic/whatever character, you're supposed to relate to them because you share an identity," it's more like, all right, this character is a werewolf/vampire/ghoul/whatever, and this story shows viscerally how it FEELS to be "other," and THAT is what makes it relatable.

So, even though TG does have some homophobic aspects to it, the premise, of a group of people who are marginalized by society for something that isn't even their choice, but who are still shown to be complex *people* just as much as the human characters, would really resonate with anyone from any marginalized background, queer people included.

(I mean, I'm an Autistic somewhat-acespec Christian girl with anxiety and a certain amount of religious trauma who has a special interest in dark fantasy and classic literature, and TG hits me RIGHT in the identity-specific feels, so I can see how it would for others too).

The other thing is that, even though Ishida relies pretty heavily on problematic queer villainy tropes, I think he does just good enough of a job of giving all of his characters some shred of humanity or relatability, that ... well, I won't say that it's *okay*, because it's still not, but I think readers like myself are a bit more willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Like yes, Nico is kind of a walking toxic gay stereotype. But let's also not forget that he stood up to an *extremely* physically and emotionally abusive partner to try to protect Kaneki and two other innocent victims, just because he thought it was the right thing to do. Tsukiyama also falls into the predatory gay man stereotype, at least at first, but he was just so enjoyable and fun (and, despite all his weird cannibal obsessiveness, he did seem to genuinely *like* Kaneki as a person) that he became a fan-favorite even when he was still the stereotypical queer villain of the week. Ishida also gave him something of a series-long redemption arc, turning him into a complex and lovable character who is, still, a fan favorite. Uta is a legitimately cool and nice guy, even if he does do some *very* morally questionable things with the Clown Masks later on. Even Jason is a monster plain and simple, but he became that way because he himself was abused, and his reminisces about his mother remind us that even the worst people still have someone they love.

I haven't read all the way through :re yet, and the negative queer tropes apparently get even worse there ... Mutsuki's descent into mental illness and jealous rage plays into a number of uncomfortable transphobic and misogynistic tropes, but I guess it sort of makes sense in the context of their past and struggles with mental illness, and the themes of the story with the relationship between trauma and moral decay. And prior to that really unfortunate arc, Mutsuki was genuinely a super cool character. Matsuri Washuu's profession of love to Urie was ... real weird, and the way he did it was gratuitous ... but you do kind of feel bad for the guy for being basically forced into marrying a woman he isn't attracted to for the family honor.

Then, of course, you have all the characters who aren't canonically queer, but are so relatable in more positive ways for queer folks that many fans headcanon them to be queer. Hide's unconditional love and devotion for Kaneki comes to mind. Or Hsiao and Saiko coming across as being queer but in a good/cool way. Or Juuzo's ambiguous gender expression, and Juuzo being completely unhinged but also one of the most well-loved characters in the series.

So I guess what I'm saying is ... yeah, the portrayal of queer characters in TG is problematic, and I don't mean to be defending it, exactly, but I guess what I'm saying is that even when the author is being awful with the tropes, he's still somehow able to write characters who feel human enough to occasionally transcend those tropey boxes he pushes them into.

I will also note that most of the queer or queer-ish characters are still alive in the final chapter. So, of all of the terrible tropes TG engages in with its queer characters, at least "bury your gays" isn't one of them.

IDK just my thoughts. I'll be posting another follow-up with some of my in-universe headcanons later on, I think.

[girlonthelasttrain]

I'm going to explain what's the personal angle against qualifications of good/bad fanfic (good/bad art), because of course there is one, I'm a receptacle of minor grievances after all.

For a long time my main goal as a fic writer was to imitate the source material as closely as I could, because to me "writing fic" meant writing more of these specific characters that I couldn't get enough of in this one specific setting. This means I've always striven to do things such as "finding what makes a character's 'voice' unique and put it on paper" and to make my prose "feel like" a show's visual style, even if that can only be a subjective approximation. I can't say I always succeeded in doing so, and certainly it helps that Star Trek, the source material I've been drawing upon for the past seven years, seems to align with what comes easy to me—heavy in stylized dialogue, a very consisted and only very occasionally experimental visual language, a sense of humor that can be mostly characterized as "awkward". In any case, readers have recognized my efforts in the way I write ("very stylistically Star Trek") so in a way I've been successful. It seems I've accomplished the goal I'd set for myself.

Yet I'm not really happy with that, or at least not any longer. I've read so much Trek fic I loved that was not at all concerned with the above, and I started looking at what I'd done thus far a bit more critically. Crucially, I became aware that the way I write isn't necessarily "good" or even common, it is in fact remarkable enough to be commented upon. Yet I'd only ever tried to write this one way! This is not inherently "bad" either (otherwise so many genre fiction powerhouses wouldn't be as well-loved as they are), it's just that I am a bit contradictory as a person in that I love comfortable routines as long as they don't feel imposed on me. So I think this longing for freedom from my own constraints started as soon as someone else pointed them out and named them for what they were ("very stylistically Star Trek" etc). This is not to say I don't appreciate that feedback! On the contrary, it was hugely helpful, I can be dense about my own habits and secret rules.

I've discovered so many other secret rules I have for myself since then, too. I became more self-conscious about them. I would like to break out of everything and do something radically different but I'm also a bit of a coward. With the rise of all this the talk about fic being in large part "bad" and how hard it is to find something decent to read, it's hard for me to see the worth in trying. If mastery only comes with practice, and this is something I strongly believe in, how can anyone get there when the results of that practice are lumped together as garbage? And that's even assuming that mastery coincides with "good" (and it might not! Maybe I only want to "tell" and not "show"—how would you feel about that?) You can totally retort "well you don't have to share your practice pieces", "If you were in a writing class your writing would be dissected and torn to shreds", "You can deal with your own insecurities on your own time and your own dime (ie, therapy)". And sure but 1) maybe I've done that already and it didn't really make a difference about my ambivalence 2) isn't it sad that you'd rather if I (or anyone else in my position) stayed home until I'm presentable enough to be admitted into polite society (ie back to writing fic you'd consider good)? Would you say the same to someone who has just started knitting and is mostly looking for some encouragement and understanding? Would you tell them to keep their unsightly practice pieces to themselves because skill issue? What is a good piece anyway? What standards are you holding them to?

(I'm sure there are people like that also among knitters, but I hope you understand what I'm saying here.)

Maybe I've not been the most proactive w/r/t encouraging experimentation and new fic writers, and what I'm going through now may be simply reaping what I sowed. I definitely have preferences as a reader, too. And I'm not naive so I don't pretend to change anyone's mind. I just want to point out that the idea of "only good fic is worthwhile" is stifling and a genuine obstacle, not just for me. Seeing this sentiment expressed publicly with very little pushback, even just to question what is meant by "good", frustrates me to no end. I'm honestly glad to see people sharing my doubts about this whole attitude.

[dreameralive]

but on a tangent almost completely unrelated to that last post of mine i do find it very interesting how wildly the characterization of Slenderman changes from person to person. i don't just mean slenderverse vs creepypasta here, i mean... well, everything. but i'll mainly be focusing on slenderverse, here.

this is partially why i wish people explored the slenderverse beyond the popular video series' of it, but i think it really is worth considering each depiction of Slenderman, especially ones that drastically vary from the 'norm' that we may think of when it comes to the character. take the blog JustAnotherFool (which, while now only available via the Internet archive, is something i highly recommend giving a read!), for example. there, Slenderman is portrayed as this horrific, spiderlike creature who wears a fedora and rips people to shreds himself. it's completely the opposite of almost every proposal of Slenderman i've ever seen in the context of the slenderverse - he's not a silent observer, nor a commanding authority. he's a beast. he's angry.

even in popular slenderverse webseries', he changes a lot. for example, in Marble Hornets, he's a, like i said, silent observer. although he brings so, so much devastation to these characters lives, he doesn't seem to have all that much investment in them. it's a matter of hopping from one to the next to the next to the next. it's about spreading. now, compare this to mlandersen0 or everymanhybrid, where Slenderman actively seems to almost delight in tormenting these characters, for presumably, as long as he possibly can. he is an active force in these peoples lives. everything he does to them is so deeply, deeply personal. he goes so far as to maul someone who was abusing Vinnie in the Fairmount timeline. why? well, the text says it itself. "the man doesn't share."

there's also the humanization of Slenderman, like how i mentioned above, where he seems to have some sort of psychological capabilities to him. he is choosing to do this. he is choosing to hurt people. which is deeply, deeply sinister. a horror that wants you to suffer, specifically. a horror that knows what it's doing. a horror that does it all simply because it can. but there's also blogs and series' where he's portrayed as nothing more than a stupid animal, or some sort of infection. where he runs on instincts, a need to feed or to spread, and nothing more. which is also quite disturbing. a horror that does it all simply because it can do nothing else.

this is all, of course, only really scratching the surface. and anyway, i don't really know what point exactly i'm trying to make here. but, i guess this is a good conclusion to end on: please don't be afraid to stray too far from popular depictions with your portrayal of Slenderman! and please look into more slenderverse media that isn't simply MH/EMH/etc! it's good stuff!

[randomthefox]

Sorry for IDWposting again but I was reminded of something I said on Discord the other day:

Like... these aren't stories. They're half-finished vignettes at best. You'd think by virtue of sheer volume, there'd be some shred of consistent character psychology, or some imagery, or a metaphor, or something along those lines somewhere, but no. It's like the more you read, the more bereft the writing becomes.

I don't know how to contend with the notion of an English major who writes stories, plural, lacking in the basic elements of a story, and gets praised for his lack of craft because people fill in the blanks themselves.

Dialogue that is flat, sometimes uncharacteristic - where would street-rat Surge have learned the word "inept"? - characterization is inconsistent sometimes within the same issue; themes, what themes? go read something else; no symbolism or pacing or structure or worldbuilding beyond fanservice... No wonder IDW feels so flat. It's not a story with any real thought put into it. I'd hardly be pressed to call it a story at all. Honestly, the DC crossover just brought this idea to the forefront in a way that made it hard for me to ignore. There was just no craft whatsoever put into it, even though this is an idea Ian seemingly seemed excited for. My brain broke trying to comprehend it.

Yeah it reminds me of when I'll dump my idea outlines for, like, cowboy sonic au or the cyberpunk digimon setting, stuff like that. Documenting the ideas and themes I want the story to explore, a general overview of events, occasional specific lines of dialog exchanges. It's not how I'd go about writing an actual story by any means.

But that's exactly how Flynn writes his actual stories.

"and then Shadow goes harumph and walks off, and Batman says he'll handle him. And Batman is able to pick up on Shadow having trauma just like him, because he's Batman and he can just intuit that kind of thing (I've seen the DCAU I know bertmerns) and he bluntly confronts Shadow about it and they bond over their tragic backstories. And then they ride their motorcycles together."

Like, I swear, that's probably exactly what the fucking script he submitted looked like. I know because I'VE SEEN WHAT IAN FLYNN'S FINAL SCRIPTS LOOK LIKE.

This is the shit that the cultists are touting as peak fiction that is superior to any of those stupid smelly video games 🙄

It's fucking embarrassing. His best genuine professional effort is equivalent to the kind of brain droppings I dump out so I don't forget about the ideas I'll never do anything with.

[mswyrr]

The "women for T/rump" characterization of Alicent annoys me on three levels

Modern women who have legal and social rights willing to shred those for white supremacy is not the same as a woman who never had a chance at any rights and cannot even dream of a world where she has rights because she believes so deeply in her religion and obedience to authority

The people who say this know her fanbase is small and majority queer people. They fucking know this. They bring up our real world oppression and the very real danger of our actual rights being taken away in the US -- to score on us for liking a fictional character they hate. I'm sorry, what kind of people act like that??? And some of them have outright said "lol she'd hate crime you" so - this is intentional. And disgusting. Imagine not giving a shit about real people and their human rights, everything is just a toy to play with in fandom bullshit.

Can people familiarize themselves with any period of history? Literally any at all? Because then they'd have the awareness that conditions and specifics change over time and GRRM was drawing on very different ones than ours when writing his fantasy world? That it is ignorant af to try to make it a 1:1 to our current moment.

[not-poignant]

The angsty boys really out here learning and growing, huh?

Do you think a character can be more emotionally mature than their author? As an author of many years, have you identified any blind spots in your characterization and therefore been able to learn and grow personally through said realizations?

P.S. The past few excerpts have been so soft I just want to print them out, shred them up, and use them to stuff a stuffed animal so that I can squeeeeeeze them. Ugh, I can’t even stand it 💛

Do you think a character can be more emotionally mature than their author?

Oh absolutely.

I would even go so far as to say this is actually more common than the opposite.

Authors are good at writing what they've never had any experience in. This includes writing characters funnier than they are, smarter than they are, dumber, cooler, more emotionally mature, more immature than they are. It's not just about writing settings they've never been in, jobs they've never had, life experiences they've never gone through, on every level you just can't know if something reflects the author's experience in that thing, including their maturity.

I've had readers assume all kinds of things about me based on my writing, and I'd say a good chunk of it isn't true! (Though I'll always feel touched by the military person who assumed I had military experience because I wrote it like someone who had lived it - I don't have military experience, I have a good imagination. That's my job).

As an author of many years, have you identified any blind spots in your characterization and therefore been able to learn and grow personally through said realizations?

Yes and no.

Fiction makes things a lot easier than they are in reality. The fact is a lot of PTSD takes years and years to recover from. Most of my stories are over in 6-12 months (within the timeline of the actual narrative itself.) Fictionalised healing narratives give characters happier endings, faster. It distills something of the human experience for people, and gives us all a road map, but it's not always a very realistic one, or it is, but only in some ways and not others.

Like, I have definitely learned things from my characters, but there's also been things I haven't been able to apply to myself. Writing the character isn't 'doing the work' for example. Knowing that communicating hard things is important doesn't actually make doing it any easier. Seeing lots of examples of characters surviving the process doesn't always make it possible to feel like you're going to survive the process.

It's why when people tell me 'this story made me realise I needed to see a therapist for my own issues, I'm doing so much better now, thank you for helping me do this' I have the urge to say 'thank you' but also a massive urge to tell someone that like, they were the ones who made themselves do it, who found the strength/courage, who self-reflected, who were ready or had a 'right place right time' experience to go on that journey. And some of those people are far more healthier mentally now than I am. I've actually watched like real people read some stories, have some realisations, and now achieve things in their life I still struggle to.

My job is to be good at imagining things and conveying them, but that doesn't mean I - or any other author - picks up the skills or emotional maturity or even knowledge that we write down! It would be great if it worked that way.

Anyway TL;DR it is possible to grow through writing (and reading) characters, but it's also possible to just write stuff and not actually change / grow from it (at least not in a way that's immediately noticeable).

As for blind spots in my own personal character, I'm constantly confronted by them. I have a lot of flaws as a human being!

[gloriousburden]

though im also critical of it, ragnarok is one of my favs especially cus it endeared me with brodinson interactions (shoutout elevator scene) but after that, i didnt like future loki portrayals. it somewhat flipped loki's aspirations, although i liked how he really seemed a god of mischief i wished for more digging into that. if i said "country boys make do" and did what what i could, then i look at loki betraying thor once more as his warped way of saying "we've come to deeper understanding of e/o more and idk how to be your brother but i want to, this is all i know." (i imagine his ass is that type in fights "IDC! LEAVE! *wants them to stay* i feel frigga was the only person who saw that in him growing up and was there).

coulson did say to him "you lack conviction"; loki's always kind of struggling with himself to find his genuine purpose whether w/ being a king or a brother.

after that though i didnt care for loki they just took his popularized character traits and made him shout them out every second "hehe thats just what loki does!" and things i wanted delved into weren't addressed, or when they were it was poorly. i only seen season 1 but its loki content i just distance from

personally, i liked loki's personality shining in ragnarok. but like this time tom hiddleston said "loki should be an entertaining character but also that there should be a shred of truth" thats how i feel. about all future loki. i think they saw the numbers that loki did in ragnarok, and then on fucked up portraying him, and his depth

hi i sincerely apologize for seeing this so late 💔

personally, during my initial mcu watch, i did actually kind of enjoy ragnarok. although i did realize it’s issues such as pretty much everyone’s characterization (but especially loki’s), the way odin’s death was… Not as serious as it should’ve been, the way everything was too Haha funny joke, korg, the racist thor/bruce joke (which i will actually make a post about eventually), etc…

i did think it was a fun movie. it wasn’t until i rewatched it for a second time, after rewatching the thor movies/avengers 2012 that i realized.. yeah, this isn’t really that good and the earlier movies featuring thor, loki, or asgardians in general really were better.

personally, i prefer the humorous side of loki’s personality more in the dark world over the one in ragnarok. he was being funny and joking around, but it didn’t feel forced. it still felt like loki. in ragnarok, to me at least, it felt very forced and off for loki’s character. in the dark world, they didn’t necessarily have to belittle loki’s character and make him the laughing stock of the movie to make him funny. in ragnarok, they did.

and of course we see that continue a thousand times worse in the s*ries.

you are so right about the popularized character traits point. it’s like when people gossip about something, and as the word gets out to more people, it loses context and only leaves the very basic details of the gossip in the first place. that’s what they did with loki, pretty much. but that a thousand times over if this analogy even makes sense.

honestly do not even bother watching season 2 if you already know about the ending. i actually do think it was a little better than the first season. it was a little more interesting as well. but loki’s characterization was still HORRIFIC. there’s this interrogation type scene with one of the newer characters, this guy who works at the tva, and i guess they tried to make loki seem as though he’s still mischievous and working on his own accord instead of a goody two-shoes, pushover or whatever. idk man. whatever it was, it didn’t work.

and also they put this scene where he’s basically crying over mobius and various other tva workers to sylvie saying that he misses his friends (the friends in question being mobius and the most random tva workers ever) ??? 😭😭😭 i really do not believe that his ass was that devastated over these random ass characters who did not care about him…

basically, his personality was still more that of a silly little english man (not in a good way, trust me.) who works in a cubicle rather than a literal god/prince who speaks very eloquently and in old english. (taking this as an opportunity to say that i miss the old english/shakespeare in the park-esque way he and thor used to speak 😔 it was so fun.)

anyway this is very all over the place and i’m probably missing a few things but thank you so much for the ask!!! it was interesting to read.

[londonhalcyon]

Hi, me again! Hope you dont mind my abundance of questions. Since coming out of my lurker cave bit by bit, I decided to finally ask everything I've been itching a long time too.

I was wondering how you would describe your "behind the scenes" aspects of writing?

Some more specific questions, if it helps, are: does the behind the scenes vary from fic to fic, or is it pretty much the same all around? What methods do you use for characterization, and finding and sticking to the characters voice, especially in dialogue? Does this vary depending on if it is an OC or CC? How has your writing style, and process changed as your skill grew? And I'm most curious about what first steps you did when you started to write and plot out The Mad Witch? Outlining, figuring out characters, plot/foreshadowing, figuring out pacing, other kinds of creative processes, that sort of thing.

Please feel free to add onto this, and ramble as much as you wish, I am probably forgetting more specific questions, but in general I am just intrigue by how The Mad Witch, and your other fics, get from start to finish, essentially.

More good questions! I don’t mind; feel free to keep ‘em coming. I don’t know if I can answer all of them in their entirety, but I’ll do my best.

Does the behind the scenes vary from fic to fic, or is it pretty much the same all around?

Yes and no. My next answers should explain.

What methods do you use for characterization, and finding and sticking to the characters voice, especially in dialogue?

Writing. That’s it. Literally just by writing. With every major fic I’ve written/am writing—A Certain Darkness, The Mad Witch, Rosemary Reaper—I started by writing a series of short(er) fics first. While you don’t have Darkness or Reaper for reference, you can tell from fics like “Fear Itself” and “The Scarlett Cauldron” that the characters are more prototypes for TMW than anything. Once I find a voice, though, it becomes habit—I don’t have to think about it.

Does this vary depending on if it is an OC or CC?

Not in TMW. Because the canon characters are a) older than their actual canon counterparts, b) not audibly voiced, and/or c) don’t make much of an appearance in their canon, I’ve given them the characterization that feels right to me and am not bothered if they’re OOC. This isn’t always the case in other fics though.

For OCs it is always the same, including with player characters. Angel, Lily, Ros, Nora, Kole—no one knows their voices and personalities until I write them. All I have to worry about is making them distinct, not about whether they match characters who already exist.

For CCs who are a) close in age to their canon counterparts, b) voice acted, and/or c) prominent in their canon, I do have to work extra hard to get their characterization down. For my Fallout and Arcane fics like Rosemary Reaper and By Arrow, By Teeth, this means a lot of listening to recorded dialogue on repeat. (Piper and Nick may consume my last shred of sanity before Reaper is done.)

How has your writing style, and process changed as your skill grew?

For one, I’ve learned to have more faith in my audience’s ability to read between the lines with the age old “show don’t tell” trick. You would be appalled at how many sentences I cut out of those Darkness snippets I shared that were just the characters stating the obvious. I’ve tightened up my prose a great deal too, which has improved my sentence- and paragraph-level flow. And then there’s outlining…

What were the first steps you did when you started to write and plot out The Mad Witch? Outlining, figuring out characters, plot/foreshadowing, figuring out pacing, other kinds of creative processes, that sort of thing.

I sort of answered this last ask, but adding onto it: so much of TMW simply exists in my head. I have a vague outline on a single piece of paper that lists the major plot points and story beats, so I mostly just point the characters at those points and see what they do to get there. There has been no clearly defined process beyond writing and thinking about writing.

In some ways, this has been a lesson in how not to write a longfic. A vague outline is good because it enables me to easily make adjustments as characters make choices I didn’t originally plan. If something unexpected feels right or a cool detail comes to mind, I’m able to add it without having to adjust a million other carefully plotted details in the process. Unfortunately, I made my outline too vague, which has made this fic 100k-200k words longer than expected. I love this fic. I love all the little subplots I indulgently crammed into it. I never want to write something this length again.

Fortunately, I seem to have learned from my mistakes because, after working with a slightly more detailed but still vague enough chapter-by-chapter outline, Rosemary Reaper is set to be half the length of TMW.

[headlightsontonight]

also this isnt at all controversial or anything but sam dean characterizations are firmly in my head as two characters putting on an act to desperately be smth that they just are intrinsically not but want to be

sam desperately wants to be normal. he is not normal, because of his demon blood, because of the way he grew up, because of his reactions and priorities. because of who he is

his desire for normalcy is reiterated over and over throughout the first part of the series, but it always involves burying some part of himself (lying to himself and others)

hes playing a part for what he thinks normalcy entails, despite having never experienced it himself

dean desperately wants to separate himself from normalcy. dean is not apathetic to normalcy, in fact, he craves it, the white picket fence life he makes fun of.

he doesnt think that a normal life is in his cards, that it's appropriate to want considering johns quest for revenge and then having the knowledge and skills that he does

where saving people becomes a mission statement, a way he can be useful

hes playing the part of a hero, like in the movies, despite wanting desperately to be out of the life and have stability and family and a home (and he has experienced shreds of it as a child, enough to idealize the experience and want it)

sam and dean are mirrors of what the other isn't, in personality, approach to life, aspirations, etc.

and in a way, this is reflected in the s5 finale. sam accepts his role in the supernatural world and elevates it to become a hero, dean retires and has a pseudo family to grow old with.

(of course, this works on paper and in terms of themes, but quickly becomes undeniably horrifying when you realize that the s5 finale is

sam -> in hell and tortured for eternity

dean -> knowing his brother is in hell and being tortured for eternity and that he just kinda has to accept it) but thats beside the point

[dragynkeep]

violence ask game

1, 3, 12 and 21 :)

any fandom but if you can t100

the character everyone gets wrong.

clarke, to the point even the showrunner thought that ending was a good or even satisfactory ending for her: to be alone with people who've hated her / tried to kill her, no family, no soulmate, nothing. sterilized against her will & having lost her daughter in the most brutal way possible.

justice for my girl fr. she went through so much in this show & catches so many strays in the fandom for actually doing the hard things that their faves won't & will play the victim for instead.

worst take i've seen.

that the flame storyline continuing for madi was a good thing as if it didn't completely ruin her life, led to her death, put her through so much torture & turmoil all to perpetuate this cult's "religion" through a child who narrowly avoided being sent to them as a child to die.

the flame ruined madi & it's horrific legacy should've been left on earth, not inflicted upon her just to tug on nostalgia points for lexa.

unpopular character you actually like that more people should like & why.

jasper post mount weather. i know a lot of people hated him because he was "whiny" or "useless", but i thought he was a very realistic depiction of what trauma, especially traumas stacked up one after the other from day one on earth, does to a person. he was completely broken after maya's death, the only person on earth to show him kindness that wasn't part of the delinquents & when she died, so did his last shred of innocence in my eyes.

i really wish he had survived, i think it did a complete disservice to his arc that he killed himself & died as alone as he thought he was.

part of canon you think is overhyped.

the polis arc fr. clarke is my favourite character & seeing her act against her own characterization so the showrunners could push a ship completely detrimental to her current & future development. overall, the "political intrigue" of this arc was overhyped & underutilized because we only knew maybe 2 of the clans & the rest were faceless nobodies that no one wanted to care about cause there was no reason for us.

that "bowing to lexa" scene is one of my most hated in the entire show for so many reasons, least of all for how the fandom elevates it as a shipping moment & not clarke having to give up more of her own autonomy in order to protect her people.

[sapphire-weapon]

ngl i kinda hate the state of the eagleone fandom. i had to stop following their ao3 tag because it’s filled with self-insert, violent, and “barely legal” kink fic. i don’t recognize who they’re writing and this seems to be the case with RE pairings as well. why does the RE fandom in particular struggle so much with characterization?

There is no response to this ask that I can give that will be both honest and not toxic LMAO

I'm going to pull the reins on myself as best as possible, here. But.

Modern fandom has a toxic positivity problem. People don't give or receive criticism on their fanworks. In fact, it's considered asshole behavior to try.

I get praised for my character voices. Do you know how I learned those skills? By getting my work shredded by fellow fans. As young as 12 and 14, I was getting really harsh criticism on my writing, and that continued into my early 20s.

And it sucked. Every time. It felt bad, and my feelings got hurt.

But it made me a better writer. And I'm grateful for it.

This doesn't happen in modern fandom anymore. People don't give their honest opinions even when they're asked for them, much less unbidden like how I got them. And if you do try to give constructive feedback, you're raked over the coals as a total fucking toxic asshole.

The only feedback people get anymore is overwhelming love. That's the only thing that's socially acceptable in modern fandom. People adopt an "every interpretation is valid" mindset and stick by it.

And so people use that to project their own kinks and wish fulfillment onto their favorite characters, regardless of whether it's in-character for them or not. This isn't just an eagleone problem or even a Resident Evil problem. It's a modern day fandom problem in general.

It just seems worse in eagleone fandom because there are so few active creators for it, and most of them are in one big circlejerk.

There is no solution to this problem. It's just the way the current generation has created their culture around fandom, and there's no changing that. And that sucks, because now, as an adult, I want people to critique my shit because I won't take it personally anymore and I want to improve, and no one will do it lmao

Consuming content has become just like anything else in fandom. Find the few people you agree with and trust and stick with them. Make sure you support the creators who make the content you enjoy, and just ignore everything else.

But what you're describing is a huge reason why I don't read fanfiction. I don't have the time or energy to dig through all that shit for the one or two things I might actually like. It's not worth it for me to do. So I don't.