#and very much changed my outlook on journaling LOL

[keepinventory]

started keeping a ‘whenever i want to write in it journal’. these parts make me giggle so you get to see them

[vartouhix]

hoard, duel, lair and scales!

monstrous headcanons

Gonna do all my verses in order hehe. :3

Hoard - something that is precious to them

AoT: Others' lives. It's sad 'cause she doesn't really have much to live for besides that. ):

JJK: Her students! And her journals and books. She reads a lot for leisure, and she collects pretty journals and diaries to write in.

LiS: Her ballet shoes; dance is her passion.

Valo: Her most precious item is a good luck charm that she keeps attached to her gun. It's from her best friend back home--an orange sea turtle.

Persephone: Her plants! She has a lot lmao.

Eris: Her golden apple.

HP: Her wand!

DBH: Honestly? Nothing. ): Poor baby doesn't really have any possessions rn.

TLOU: The fact that she stills remembers how to speak Korean. It reminds her of her family, and makes her feel tied to them, even though they're gone.

UD: Her phone! xD

Pacrim: A good luck bracelet from her first love, back when she was in the orphanage.

FO: Her 10mm pistol. It comes in handy in firefights, more so than her rifle.

SM: Her watercolor painting set, and brushes!

All verses where she's an alien: An engagement ring from her deceased fiancé.

Duel - a meeting or relationship that was important to them

AoT: The recruiter she met that suggested she join the military. She was living on the streets with no purpose in life except to survive the day. Now, she has food, shelter, social interaction with others, and a job to do, which have all improved her outlook on life... albeit, life of others.

JJK: Meeting Masamichi Yaga. Though she's always had other dreams as well, she appreciates meeting him in particular because she can literally save people's lives, now.

LiS: Her art teacher, who has encouraged her and pushed her to better her art.

Valo: Sage, who is the first person she met that was part of the Valorant Protocol.

Persephone: Hades. There's just something about him... 👀

Eris: Ares. He's the only one she tolerates.

HP: The nurse of the school whose name escapes me!

DBH: The android that told her about Jericho.

TLOU: No one yet! I'm sure this will change as I continue to rp her.

UD: For that specific AU, she had a crush on her friend Jongin, so I would say him. :3

Pacrim: Stacker! He gave her a life again.

FO: Piper! She's such a breath of fresh air in an otherwise depressing environment.

SM: Her past self, in a dream.

All verses where she's an alien: Her deceased twin sister, Albena.

Lair - where they live, work, or spend most of their time

AoT: Honestly, she probably spends more time out in the wilderness with the other scouts. I imagine they're on expeditions more often than they're not, so she doesn't spend nearly as much time in the fortress in Shiganshina.

JJK: She spends most of her time at Jujutsu Highschool (and the second-most frequent haunt would be Todai Law School).

LiS: Her dorm! Constantly painting lol.

Valo: The Valorant Protocol HQ, specifically in the training rooms.

Persephone: Her school.

Eris: The club that acts as a front for her illegal activities.

HP: In school, the nurse's ward. Out of school, St. Mungo's.

DBH: Jericho!

TLOU: Literally just out in the wilderness. In some alternate verses (lmao an au of an au), Jackson.

UD: Well since the game takes place on the mountain... xD But outside of the setting of the game, she spends most of her times at cafés.

Pacrim: The Hong Kong Shatterdome's training room.

FO: Diamond City.

SM: The art studio at her school.

The verses where she's an alien really depend, in this case. 'Cause in the Persona 5 verse, she's in Japan, and goes into the Metaverse often, so I would say the Metaverse. In the Stardew Valley verse, she spends most of her time in her apothecary. I'm actually not sure where she'd most likely be in Mass Effect/Star Trek verses... Probably on a space ship. Main verse, she spends most of her time at work, La Vie et Fleurs.

Scales - how well they balance their good and bad impulses

AoT: Really well. She's very strict with herself.

JJK: Ehhhhh she does a good job. For example, despite a bunch of opportunities that come up where she could 'embarrass' Megumi, she chooses not to do it. When it comes to shopping, however... she gives into the impulse lol.

LiS: Also decent. Lately she has more bad impulses than good, though. She's going through some shit.

Valo: Honestly? She's known to take some risky maneuvers in battle, so not so great at balancing her bad impulses.

Persephone: Very well! She almost never gives into bad impulses.

Eris: HA. HAHAHA.

HP: Also very well, though she can be a bit mischievous sometimes.

DBH: Really well. She's also very strict with herself.

TLOU: Same as AoT and DBH.

UD: Ehhhhhhh she's a rambunctious college student so only so-so.

Pacrim: She's pretty disciplined so she's good at holding back if she needs to.

FO: Not very good at holding back good impulses; she always wants to help. Bad impulses, not so much. She's good at tamping those down.

SM: She's good at keeping her bad impulses at bay, and she doesn't take risky 'good impulse' moves.

All verses where she's an alien: She's got a good balance, but she does tend to lean more towards giving into good impulses.

[nightswithkookmin]

How do you think JK and JM have grown and changed this year? I was worried about the more professional Jikook recently, but the way they are now seems healthier- like there is balance and more peace in their bond. They are compromising and addressing each other’s needs (JM demonstrating his love for JK and flirting less; JK holding back for the sake of the group and JM's sanity). They seem happy. Plus, it’s nice to see the group members helping them be professional- especially Tae.

Absolutely! They are making compromises...

I was meant to work on a 'Jikook in 2020 Review' blog post at the end of the year but I got my nails done and I couldn't type shit with it. Lol. Should have stuck with my usual average length basic bitch nails but no, I had to go and be a baddie- edgy people. Sigh.

It's something I do in my Journal at the end of every year since 2014 where I summarize everything that's gone down with Jikook and my other ships in that year to help me keep track of their love journey and especially the timelines- yea, I take my delulu business seriously. I'm not ashamed. Lol.

I think the most outstanding and conspicuous growth development in Jikook's dynamics, to me, is their individual functioning and positive adaptive response to the changes that happened in and around their relationship in 2020- from Covid 19 to the monitored VLives and the whole professional outlook, cough cough.

While not surprising to me, because they had been on that trajectory since the later half of 2019 and had exhibited early signs of being capable of adjusting well, almost adjusting well lol, to any internal changes that could occur in their relationship dynamics, I sort of worried about them being thrown in at the deep end in the face of the abrupt and disruptive changes 2020 presented because of Covid 19.

Jikook since 2015 to me, have always exhibited codependent tendencies as well as a certain level of dysfunctionality in their dynamics with one or both of them enabling certain toxicities in the other.

I think that is the major thing that changed in 2020 in my opinion and I don't know if their personal growth journey contributed to it or the virus did, or that it's just we didn't get to see them interact in the usual settings that brings out all the lunacy in them. Lol.

Jimin for example had a habit of enabling JK's possessiveness and childish grunts and would reassure him whenever JK threw tantrums over anyone smiling funny at him. I mean reassuring your partner of your love and interest in him is good and ideal but not when your partner lowkey is unreasonable in his demands sometimes, chilee JK- what goes on. Lol.

Especially not when that same partner has no qualms doing shit like this:

But with JM I feel it goes deeper than that. I think I have mentioned in passing a few times now how I feel/felt JM was the noncommittal one in their dynamic and part of the reason I had that view was because Jimin to me had always conveyed an impression of JK that he is/was a bit childish and immature and that I think had always hindered him from fully investing in their dynamic in a way that makes JK secure.

But that too has changed especially towards the end of 2020.

I mean JM is very wise beyond his age, mature beyond his age as everyone around him keep saying. Contrastingly, they say the very opposite of Kook and they treat him as such, which is gotta be worrying for JM, I feel.

I've always been fascinated by JM's choice of words and descriptors for people- well not just JM's, all the members' quite frankly. Lol. He sees, for instance, Tae as innocent and naive, Joonie as thoughtful and JK as not good at expressing himself and his emotions.

These words are not just his assessment of their personalities, they are also testament to how he treats them or is likely to treat them- We treat people the way we see and perceive them.

If he sees JK as incapable of expressing his true intentions, he stands the risk of projecting his own intentions onto him and this is very dangerous. He could be reading more into situations, misunderstanding and misconstruing JK's intentions.

For example, he may he interpreting JK feeling uncomfortable with him being around others as a sign JK wants him for himself and as such use that to reassure himself whenever he is feeling vulnerable and insecure in their dynamic but in reality JK could just be expressing discomfort with watching two men interact intimately- JM would never know unless JK explicitly conveyed to him that seeing him with others worry him because he wants Jimin too. Know what I mean?

Similarly, if he perceives JK as immature and childish, no matter how accurate that may be, he risks developing an inclination to be dismissive of JK's needs- especially if JK really sucks at articulating his needs or asserting himself in their dynamics.

Seeing JM interact with others in a certain way may genuinely be his limits, but how is he gonna communicate that to Jimin beyound grunts and pouts if he sucks at expressing himself and if JM dismisses these grunts and tantrums he throws as childishness?

That's what I mean when I say there is a certain degree of dysfunctionality to Jikook's dynamics. But that too have changed or is changing- can't be sure till I see how they progress and interact in the future.

As I kept saying, Jikook had been asserting themselves against eachother in 2020 and JK was the embodiment of that.

But JK...

He has always given me the impression he's willing to do whatever it takes to prove himself as not only worthy of JM's love but also solidify himself as JM's equal in their dynamics, having been subjected to years of baby syndrome being the youngest within the group and having everyone treat him as such.

And so I have mixed feelings about this seemly 'progress' in him...

Not sure if he is doing it for himself or for his relationship and God I hope it is for himself because as much as I enjoy the crazy aspect of their relationship, I hate it too.

I mean it's entertaining to watch sometimes but Jimlous and Jeonlous do make me sick in my stomachs- yea, I have four at this point. Fucking Christmas chicken. Lol.

Not to say JM isn't as invested in or committed to JK as JK is to him. Just saying there's always been something holding him back in their dynamics for whatever reason, in my opinion, and Jk it seems have always had the impression he can 'win' if he tries. So he is constantly pushing the boundaries and testing the limits- and that I feel is his yoke.

I used to look at him and felt sorry for him because he was young and he was being pushed to grow so fast but I also understand Jimin because he is much older than his boyfriend and he wouldn't want to be unequally yoked to him, as the saying goes- especially if he equally has to relinquish control to him and have him lead him as his lover and partner.

I feel a lot of Jokers get confused about who is dom and all that jazz, partly because JM is not ceding to JK the way JK relinquishes control to JM in their dynamics and is holding back a lot- that's what I mean when I say he is not fully into their relationship.

Jimin holds a lot of power in their dynamics and a lot of people see that and describe him as top, dom, power bottom and whole other sobriquets but I don't think any of those descriptors is apt.

Because as much as he holds a lot of power in their dynamics, he is in the same breath powerless and at the mercy of JK as JK is to him. The one with the power to me is the one that can walk away and It's neither JK nor Jimin.

As assertive as JK has been all year, he will cave if it meant JM was to walk away. And as demanding as JM has been of JK's maturity, he will settle if it meant JK was to walk away.

Jimin to me is a paradox. He pushes JK to be 'mature' and be on the same page as him yet he equally enables the bad behavior in JK too- well he used to. He's changed since late 2019 and hasn't been tolerant of JK's possessive behavior- which I think I've talked about a lot on here.

It certainly doesn't help that JM has this view of 'JK is just bad at expressing his emotions.' With that kind of mentality, he is more likely to let JK get away with a lot of things without pushing him to be better and that in itself is a form of enabling.

As the youngest within the group, he already stand the risk of being enabled within the group dynamics as his bad behavior is always going to be excused and dismissed as stemming from his age.

You often hear RM and the members talk about how he is the youngest, he is going through a teenage rebellious phase, let's give him a pass because he is the youngest, he doesn't speak much so we value the least he says, he doesn't return his texts, doesn't wish anyone a happy birthday on their birthday's but we will for him anyway, chilee. There is too much enabling going on in there.

As harmless as these rhetorics may be, they impact his attraction quotient and may make him less appealing to anyone within the group who may find him attractive in a sexual way psychologically speaking and sometimes I see that impacting Jimin. People want to date up not down.

Take when Hobi talked about JK peeping tom for example, Jimin didn't seem at all happy about it. I don't think he was jealous in that moment necessarily, more like he was disappointed and hurt.

JK has been doomed from the start as the baby of the group- I mean I've seen the men JM finds attractive... I don't think a 'baby' is what he wants.

Jk have always been on a mission to shed these descriptors off of him and assert himself within the group, for himself and for his relationship- as he should.

But 2020 has been the height of his self assertive journey and progress in my opinion. In Break the silence, the members talked about how JK has become more self aware particularly this year, and JK himself has spoken about and acknowledged his immaturity in the past and how he is working to improve himself on that.

He has grown a lot this year.

You may not see the impact of this because it's an intangible change but you look at how he interacts with the others, the boundaries he's putting in place etc

JM post October have been treating JK with a certain level of respect and dignity, almost as if he is seeing JK as a new man- his equal. This will make sense in the future, don't worry.

During the Christmas holiday performance, it seemed the directors had whispered something in JM's ear to give them a moment- listen, BigHit ain't slick ok? Whenever you see them isolate Jikook from the group bet your sweet behind they are looking for a moment from Jikook and are going over BTS's head, chilee. They ain't slick.

They did the same thing in the dynamite MV when they put Jikook away from the group and had them turn it on- I mean RM wasn't too happy about it it seemed and when he asked Jimin about it, Jimin said the director had asked him to.

I bet you two fake dollars, they intentionally put Jikook away from the group in that performance and honestly I don't think they gave JK a heads up about it either. You could see Jimin literally scanning JK's body to prepare himself and put himself in the mood which had JK looking at him all confused like what is this man doing. Lmho.

Then he playfully taps JK's chest like it's the firt time he is paired with his man and JK looks at him like uhmmmm. Jimin then goes to wrap his hands around JK's shoulder and JK exec crashed. lol.

I don't think JK expected that from Jimin and his gay panic was real- personally, I think he popped a boner down there and when Jimin tilted the camera angle down to that region dude made a 360 turning his back to the camera. Lol.

He was literally hiding it behind Jin and when you look at NamJin's cam that's when you see what I mean.

Chilee, JK how are you gone hide a boner a man gave you behind another mind- make it make sense. Lmho. Are they both not men? You are 24, if Jimin still has this effect on you I'm sorry there's no hope for you. The gay is deep my guy, bid your family farewell and move to Itaewon. Lol.

All jokes and delulu aside, there was a certain level of respect even in the way that Jimin carried out their fanservice in that moment.

Maybe we are finally going to see Park Jimin relinquish that power he's been holding back from Kook as the hyung and mature one and allow JK lead him, make decisions for him and trust that he would make the right ones.

I don't think, going forward JM would be 'dismissing' JK's discomfort with him doing certain things as JK being 'childish' anymore, lol. I'm talking about the 'babe it's nothing' laughing his butt off when JK is pissed at him for doing certain things etc.

It's also interesting to note that 2020, in my opinion, recorded the most 'breakup songs' shared and recommended by JK on his spotify playlist- I wonder why. Smirk.

By break up songs i mean most if not all the songs he shared last year had a theme of separation, breakup, etc, with one particular song standing out to me: Mean it by Lauv.

This song and the others are pretty much consistent with his own song lyrics of 2020, Still with you and Stay which I believe are a two voiced piece of the same art work or subject matter, a response poem if you will: one being a confession of JK's feelings and intentions while the other, Stay, is the reconciliation, a request and plea to his love interest and declaration of his needs or what he wants from Jimin.

Stay answers Still with you. In my opinion.

And on the subject of Still with you, am I the only one who thinks 'With You' is one of Jimin's handles and JK using that in a song is no coincidence?

I mean Tae literally gave Jimin that name in Run 106- Listen, I don't trust JK and if he appropriates it again ISTG!

He's come a long way from, 'I'm not gonna say any cliche as that have courage' in Magic Shop to practically groveling. Lol. Love will do that to you.

What stands out about Mean it, is that whole 'don't play with my feelings if you don't want me' theme. I think this is something I kept saying was a vibe I was getting from JK throughout 2020 when I said I talked about their breakup and said I felt he was since that incident putting his foot down, demanding his needs and putting his happiness right back up there with Jimin's.

I smiled when I heard him talk about him thinking a lot about what happiness means to him throughout 2020 and pursuing that.

As for the professionalism, let's see if they are going to maintain it throughout this year because it is not coming from them but from the environment they are in.

I think what they have to do is know when they are going to be themselves and when they have to be professional- Jikook y'all are queer, reading the room should be an acquired skill dumbass! Someone send them the memo. Lmho.

One other thing that has changed about Jikook would be how they are gradually disconnecting from their fanbase especially JK.

Now this may be due to a lot of reasons: BigHit limiting their access to their fanbase, BTS having a problem with Jikook's brand clashing with theirs and demanding they 'act professionally,' Jikook no longer having a need of the support of their fanbase and a plethora of reasons I cannot get into sake of time and space.

One thing that I am gauging this year is how Jikook will be interacting with their fanbase and how much of their relationship they will willingly share with us.

They need our support as much as we need them and if our support matters to them in advancing their relationship out of the closet then they will find a way to reconnect with us- always.

I mean, he said stay- I'm staying. Lol.

I guess what I'm saying is, for now, the change in Jikook is intangible and individualized but serves as a foundation to whatever direction they decide to move in next.

I am curious to know how these individuals growth and development is going to play out in their dynamics as a unit.

I want to see what they do on May 13th this year, who posts the first Jikook selca of 2021. JK didn't post for the members's birthday again and so I'm curious to see how JM's birthday is gonna go.

The members had surprise parties except Jimin- I'm still salty about that, they filmed Vlives on their birthdays- again except Jimin who had to belate that shit.

I'm taking notes of how they are gonna use the VApp this year especially JK. He still wasn't allowed to solo VLive on the app- I'm taking notes. Lol. Bone collector LLC. Lmho.

2020 was that year, the year Jikook went to couples counseling figuratively- in my books me. Lol.

They went from spending time apart, pursuing other hobbies, JK took to reading, Jimin took to spending quality time with friends and family and realized what is gold to him.

They each have come to terms with their shortcomings- something some of us recieved a lot of backlash over for talking openly about. Chilee.

Jimin have acknowledged he over expresses himself and needs to "love less' and JK have acknowledged his immaturity and is taking steps to work on it.

They both have taken a step from social media, which honestly I don't think is a bad thing especially if SM impacts their overall well being negatively.

I actually won't be surprised if they've been seeing a psychologist but anywho-

I hope this answers your question? Lol. I don't know. This post is more for me than y'all, I feel. So sorry about that.

Happy New Year to 'Y'all who love me.' I love y'all too so much. Bless y'all.

Let's keep supporting Jikook. Jikook is real.

Signed,

GOLDY

[purplesurveys]

842

have you ever violated school dress code? My Catholic school had us on a very tight leash and we’d have to be crazy to dare to break the dress code over there. My university doesn’t have a dress code though and anyone entering the campus can dress up any way they want, which I’ve always been grateful for. if you are listening to music, is the singer male/female? They are five dudes. what, if anything, do you give up for Lent? I never observed Lent; and as much of a religious fanatic my mother is, I’m glad she never forced me to fast or abstain from something I liked. what phrase leads your mind directly to the gutter? 69, even though it’s childish. when you feel like giving up, how do you convince yourself not to? I just tell myself that things will get better because that seems to be the pattern all the time with me, which is a really good thing.

what are your opinions on immigration? I don’t know much about the issues and its intricacies but as an Asian, I really admire fellow Asians who don’t speak a word of English, end up in the States or somewhere similar and build themselves a better life there. It’s fucking metal. would you tell an actual immigrant your views? Sure, if the topic is raised. what was the subject of the last list you made? There was a tweet asking people to list down which YouTubers practically ~raised them~ growing up, so I joined in the fun and gave my own names. If I remember correctly I listed down Pewdiepie, Smosh, Grace Helbig, Hannah Hart, and the entire Brit crew. do you ever get nervous before interviews/important meetings? Only if it’s supposed to be crucial. Like I imagine I’d be sweating bullets for my first job interview. who pays for the majority of your belongings? My parents. would you ever willingly shop in a thrift store? Of course. There are always some great finds in them. what is the most that you would ever spend on an outfit? Assuming I’m earning my own money, I’m willing to spend around ₱5000 to ₱10,000 on a top or bottom but I can widen my wallet a lot more if we’re talking shoes, because I like them more haha. is there anything you do that just outrages your parents? I know my mom hates it whenever she pulls us for online mass and I visibly grumble. I don’t know if my dad is annoyed with anything I do; and if he feels that way he’ll tell me. I respect him a lot more so if that’s the case, I’ll actually stop whatever it is I’m doing. when was the last time you were embarrassed in public? Probably when I was brought to the hospital a month ago and the nurse was explaining to me how to take a urine test.  have you ever won an award you were actually proud of? If Latin honors count, then yes. That was my only goal when I started college, and I reached it, so I’m allowing myself to be proud of, well, myself. the importance of education, rate it from 1-10, 10 as most important? 12. --- explain your choice to rate it as such? It’s different when you come from a third-world country. Education is realistically your only way out. what is the coolest science experiment you've ever done? I liked the ones that we did that involved chemicals and powders. are you experiencing difficulties with any friends right now? Not really. There’s a chance JM has been irritated with me because I always turn really grumpy when he messages me about work stuff, but if he is, at this point I don’t really care anymore because I’ve been detached from org work for a while now. I busted my ass for the org for three years so I think I’m entitled to feel detached now haha. how do you deal with a fight between yourself and a friend? I haven’t been in an argument with one of them in a while but I would prefer to talk it out. when you apologize to someone after a fight, how do you go about saying that you are sorry? I apologize and I mention the thing I did that they were hurt by, so that they feel acknowledged. In the end, I tell them that I’ll be better and if there’s anything I can do to make them feel better or to make the situation better, that they shouldn’t hesitate to let me know. have you ever played around with "dry ice"? No. Isn’t that dangerous lol? do you think parents are responsible for the actions of their children? For the most part, yes. But I know there are still some instances where parents can try and try to be understanding and be the best influences, but their kids will still end up going down the wrong path. There isn’t one answer to this, I think. should the military draft take both men AND women? why/why not? I don’t know, it’s a little complicated. I’m definitely all about equality and providing the same opportunities for men and women, but I know there’s a lot of issues on sexual harassment and assault in the military that have yet to be fixed. Until that’s ironed out and I hear change taking place, it seems a little shady to randomly pick out women to join the military.  when was the last time that you corrected someone? My mom had a grammatical error in her Facebook post from yesterday so I told her what the right word to use was. when was the last time you were corrected? I set the table for breakfast today and apparently it wasn’t enough for my mom, who liked her plate to be set in a certain way. when did you last say "i told you so"? Maybe when Kate told me she had broken up with the guy she was having a thing with, lol. is there any celebrity you like to "keep up with"? Not really. I think I’m over that phase now. I’ll check up my faves from time to time, but otherwise I don’t feel the need to read daily updates on them anymore. celebrity gossip: YAY or BOO? Yay if it has substance or if it’s controversial, like a celebrity being exposed for sexual harassment; boo if it’s something stupid like “Kendall Jenner spotted eating pasta today.” what is the most life-changing book you have read? I haven’t encountered it yet. have you had a negative impact on anyone's life? I would say so. I wasn’t always the nicest kid; and I also did a shitty job handling my friendship with Sofie when we were off to college. has anyone had a negative impact on yours? who/why? Yeah. Some relatives, some teachers who didn’t know how to act like teachers, and some people I distinctly remember that bullied me when I was a kid. how will you know when you are ready to get married? I guess when I’m no longer nervous thinking about it and when I’m already 100% sure that I’m independent and capable of looking out for myself. I don’t wanna be married and still be slightly dependent on my parents, which is what a lot of young Filipino married couples end up doing. how much time have you spent contemplating your own death? A very, very good amount. is there a joke that you just can't stand? Ones that you just can’t defend and are just simply offensive, like slavery or poverty. I’ve seen a few shows where they’d refer to the Philippines being poor or being a source of child labor for laughs, and they’ve never been funny to me. have you ever read any self-help books? No, I don’t really trust those lol since they’re usually written by people from other countries who most likely have different experiences and perspectives. If I need some help I’d rather figure it out myself and hear from people that I trust, like my friends. what's your take on the obesity problem in america? It’s a serious problem, obviously. I don’t know much about it other than the fact that Americans are crazy about their fast food and that their serving sizes are ginormous. I really hope they find more ways to address it. what is something you used to love, but now greatly dislike? Journalism. what is something you used to dislike, but now like? Chicken curry, and I think spicy food in general haha. when/if you become a parent, what will you do differently, compared to how your parents raised you? I’ll be more involved. I’ll compliment them more, not invalidate their feelings, and I’ll let them talk when I do something that upsets them, and I’ll apologize to them for it.

do you equate spanking with physical abuse? would you spank a child? The way Filipino parents do it, yeah especially. They don’t just do it with their hands - spanking kids here usually involve slippers and belts. My mom forbade anyone to spank me and my siblings, but nonetheless I watched it happen to my cousins and that alone was traumatic enough for me. How much more for them?

The thing is that it can’t be assumed that kids are able to process why they’re being punished, so I think that any physical punishment to them will just drive them away from their parents, which to me makes it physical abuse. I would never spank my own kids. what's the most ridiculous thing you've done this week? Skipping out the rest of my shower because a moth came into the bathroom and started flying around me lmaoooo eugh. --- did you regret it/love it/hate it/want to do it again/etc? I fucking hated it. if your bf/gf wanted to wait until marriage for sex, would you be willing? Yes. Sex honestly isn’t really a big deal to me. when you look at the sunset, what do you think about/feel? I don’t really think when I look at the sunset. I just admire how pretty it looks and savor the quick few seconds of the sun going down. is there someone you wish you could trust/you wish was trustworthy? No? I don’t wait on people to be trustworthy, if that’s what you mean. I’m grateful for the people who are already around me that I can trust. is there anyone that you no longer want in you life? who/why? There are times I wish I could get rid of my mom so that I don’t get yelled at as much anymore and so that I don’t have anyone watching my every move so much so that I’m cautious to walk around in my own house.

how has your outlook on life changed in the past few years? I’m a lot happier and more stable this time around. I’m glad I stayed around to see the change happen. have you ever walked out of a boring movie (in theaters)? Absolutely not. Even if the movie was bad, I’d watch it through the end. Ticket prices are not to be fucked with lol. how open are you with people you know online? ...What do you think? what do you think of athletes that take steroids? Idk about other sports but that’s a big fuck no in wrestling, after it’s led to addiction, overdoses, and a lot of deaths especially in the 80s and 90s. if a celebrity is involved in scandal after scandal, is that likely to affect how you view him/her & his/her work? Depends on the scandal. I don’t mind when nudes or videos get leaked because honestly, the leakers are the assholes in that situation. But if the scandal is something like people speaking out to accuse a celebrity of racism, abuse, or harassment, then I can very much turn against that person. what is one celebrity that you have zero respect for? Amber Heard. have you ever driven under the influence of alcohol/drugs? Just slightly tipsy, but I’ve always made sure that I’m super super super aware of my surroundings in those times. I won’t drive – and I know my friends won’t allow me to – if I was even just a little dizzy. I’m always the first to start sobering up when I go out to drink because I’m usually the only one with a car and thus responsible for bringing my friends home. are you overly attached to your material possessions? For the most part, yeah. have you ever ridiculed anyone for their clothing choices? Not to their faces. living in poverty: what do you think it'd be like? I already live in a country wallowing in it. My family isn’t poor, but I see poverty on a daily basis nonetheless. No documentary or article can best explain it to anyone who has never lived in a poverty-stricken country. Pretty insensitive question btw. what is one "diet" that you think is just utterly worthless? I’m not familiar with any of them. what advice would you give someone that is uncomfortable with his or her body/appearance? I prefer not to give advice because some people don’t wanna hear it and just wanna hear reassurances and boosters. That said, I’ll just keep encouraging them and telling them that they look really good in their outfit and just making them feel valid and seen. what advice would you give someone about to start high school? Don’t be scared to make mistakes and while you should always study hard and do your best, don’t take everything seriously. It’s high school and won’t matter on your professional resume.   what foreign food are you NOT interested in trying? Uhhhh this question makes no sense to me ahahaha I’m always down to try anything. what foreign country do you believe is misunderstood? I can’t speak for other countries but I know mine is pretty misunderstood. I’ve read countless testimonies of Filipinos getting condescendingly told “You speak good English for a Filipino” by white Americans, not knowing that their country conquered mine for 40ish years. That’s just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to misconceptons about my country and its people.    have you ever felt entirely unwanted and alone? Of course. in your eyes, which is worse: rape or murder? Both are equally bad and disgusting but I’ll have to go with rape, because 1) the victim has to live with the trauma and fear for the rest of their life, 2) victims are usually too scared to speak out for fear of being judged or not being believed, and 3) victim-blaming is still a big problem today. do you understand/read shakespeare? No. When we took up Shakespeare in high school I bought the No Fear versions. would you feel comfortable living with someone that owned a gun? No. do you know anyone that lives in a foreign country? Tons.

[cruelsister-moved]

Where do you usually find new music? :-0 i really like your taste

thank u!! I REMEMBER this feeling where I knew there was awesome music out there and i didn't know how to FIND it. Honestly its not super easy but my blanket advice would be seek out advice from real people.

nowadays I honestly most music from friends. i get a lot of folk stuff from uni and my mentors there. i also worked at an independent record store where i got a lot of great stuff, and i stay in contact with the owner and we exchange music regularly.

boring answer out of the way, here's some ways in which i got started, i.e ways you can discover new interesting music without getting stuck in a rut, if you aren't necessarily surrounded by interesting friends and mentors.

-> read journalism. my first start ever in music was DEVOURING all those rolling stone lists of top 100 artists/guitarists/singles/albums etc etc. those things cover a decent breadth of genre and era and they have information to go with it so just listen to everything that sounds like it might be interesting. As u can imagine those things are very male, but there's an NPR list with top 50 albums by women that has some amazing records on. Tiny desk sessions on yt are fun too.

- mojo was always my favourite publication for a range of genres. I always got the mag but they might be online? for more indie stuff ig try loud and quiet or wire. (l&q was always super intimidating to me)

-> look at people's last.fm profiles. Related artists on there aren't as bad as on spotify either, and I've found cool things that way.

I'll link mine and you're always welcome to have a pillage. some friends who i also recommend checking out: kot has great nonwestern and western folk, new wave, pop, punk, and indie; lewis has the greatest folk revival library of anyone under 60; and jodie is queen of the classics and she has a great library of new wave and soul and industrial :)

-> you will notice that none of us care about if what we listen to is cool/obscure/fits into a certain genre bracket or not. I listened to jenny from the block like 5x yesterday. Just listen to something because you enjoy it. It seems simple but getting into that mindset made me so much freer to actually find music I enjoyed.

-> if something seems cool on paper but is way too much for you when you actually listen: try and get through the album, and then leave it. you may well comer back later and find your palette has expanded and you love it now. or not. but either way, don't waste your time trying to make yourself like something.

-> on that note. Listen to full albums whenever you can. It'll give you a proper taste of the artist and give you time to adjust and get to know something new before you write it off.

-> read about the artists you like. find out what music they're currently listening to and what inspires them. i started with people like jenny lewis and hayley williams and they are smart women who have spent a long time in the music industry - they will have something interesting to show you. ive noticed a rule in music where someone's influences are always cooler & more obscure than them (lol) so it goes without saying that you can follow a chain of influences back from something pretty bland to something awesome.

-> finally, I know this sounds so tumblr but. avoid white men! they're told their whole lives that their mediocrity is an asset... It shows. everything changed when i started focusing on finding the voices of women, on getting into music that isn't dominated by white ppl, on looking outside the western music industry. women and minorities just tend to have more interesting and diverse outlooks on life and it tends to reflect in their music (avoid musicians who went to private school for the same reason ekslskdkdldld). this isn't saying DON'T listen to white men, but just reprogram ur compass to focus on something else, yknow?

I really hope that helps! sorry to give you such a wall of text when I'm sure you just wanted to hear that I read a specific column in an indie magazine. but i wanted to give you and anyone else who is reading a real idea how to combat the homogenisation of the music industry and unfortunately it isn't that easy. but it's very much exponential, so the more you find, the more you'll be able to find! i didn't put any personal recs here because i have no idea what you're interested to but if you let me know what specific type of thing in my taste you sent this ask abt I will give u some more stuff to get into! Much love ❤️

[holocene-days]

hey jemma, would really love some tips about how you've been figuring yourself out, would love to get to that place but difficult to know where to start

ahh hi! 

i should probably preface this by saying that this has been a hella long process that’s taken place over the past 2 years. 

a lot of this post is gonna be me talking about my experiences bc i’m not really good at the whole second person advice thing. so i hope this is helpful in some way!! also lol sorry this got really long, i just had lots of thoughts 

*tw mention of eating disorders, nothing too in depth but just like talk about anorexia and such things*

i kinda started this journey in fall of 2017 when i realized i had lost myself and was struggling severely with an eating disorder and went to see the therapist at my uni who specializes in eating disorders. she diagnosed me with anorexia which was like a major wake up call and i was like jfc who am i what am i doing to myself how did i get this way. i had lost over 20 pounds and was completely focused on how i looked and i felt so out of control of my life and my desires and ambitions that i coped with it through controlling my weight and how i looked. long story short, saw this therapist through fall of 2017 and at the beginning of december had a breakthrough, which was when i said “i don’t want to be thin, i want the things i think being thin will get me”, thus the start of my recovery began. 

i then spent 8 months of 2018 studying abroad in london and traveling around europe and met the most amazing people and had some of the best experiences of my life (shout out to my girls matilde @timobeechalamet and megan @blxckisthecolor) and because i was so focused on traveling and school i didn’t really have any sense of self, which actually was quite beneficial because i was trying to recover from this traumatic thing and the distraction of travel and school were very helpful.

went back to the states in dec and graduated from uni this may. spent my last semester focused on myself and finishing my degree and spending lots of time with my friends. and here’s where i really started to work on myself.

i’ve always had lots of anxiety around school and perfection (which is why i initially started seeing a therapist 4 years ago) and it took me a lil while but i’ve realized that i don’t feel these kinds of pressures anymore because i’m out of this environment which was stifling and stressful, i’m able to be myself more. which brings us up to the present day where i now feel like i have the time and comfortable environment to enjoy myself and explore new things.

1. focus on your passions. what do you love? what do you love to do? are there classes you can take to learn more? books you can read? my big love is acting so i got a degree in it and then went to LA this summer for a month and a half to go to a film acting school and through that program learned SO much about what i want from myself as an artist. i watch lots of movies and series. find way to incorporate what you love into your daily life. take just 30 minutes for it and just focus on it. i find that keeping a tag on here of things that inspire me artistically can be really helpful bc if i’m ever feeling uninspired or stuck i can go back and look through the posts and get mentally back on track with my passion.

2. writing. i’ve been keeping a journal since i was about 15. i don’t really make diary entries in it but i love lists and making lists about concepts or themes or aesthetics. i recently made a list of all of my favorite meals this way in case i don’t know what to make, i have a basis to go back to of things i know my body loves. some nights i just come up with an idea and i take out my journal and just write and don’t edit myself. just keep the ideas going. no detail is too small. it’s just really nice to have a place with all my thoughts and ideas and feelings. writing is really cathartic for me. 

3. bullet journaling. my bullet journal is separate from my other journal and in it i keep my month and mind in check. i draw out each month and write down thoughts and goals of things i want to do for the month. i have pages about the law of attraction and new things i want to try and quotes about acting and being an artist. it’s such a great way for me to customize my life in a sense and have a book of my current life and thoughts to refer to.

4. your space. i am that girl who always has clothes on her bedroom floor, and everything is typically very messy. but that shit stresses me out so much. and so in an effort to try to have more peace in my life, i’m trying to do better about it. literally yesterday i deep cleaned and redecorated half of my bedroom and put in a bookshelf from my dad’s office and put lots of plants and books on it and wow it really transformed my room. it was SUCH a simple thing that took like an hour but really changed the whole vibe of my room. your room is you lil home in ur apartment or house and it needs to be your happy, chill space where you feel comfortable. putting in effort in your room seriously changes so much about your mental attitude. i’m trying to get in the habit of making my bed each morning and it’s been v helpful!!

5. ya body. i think taking care of your body is so incredibly important in your self discovery journey because it affects how your brain works and your outlook on yourself and the greater world. bc of my ed my sense of body has been real fucked for so long (i’m talking like 10 years :))))) ). here’s how i got to a better place with it 1. lots of therapy lol. 2. reminding myself that my body is a living, breathing animal that requires food to function and movement to feel good. breaking the idea of movement (i.e. working out) away from the idea of being skinny has been hard but intensely helpful and effective in the way i view my body. i focus on movement. not working out, not burning calories. things like walking, biking, dancing, ice skating are all physical activities i really enjoy that don’t feel like working out. food is a whole other beast. i totally still struggle with food sometimes but it’s getting better. i’ve been focusing a lot on intuitive eating over the past couple months (these posts by @heavyweightheart have been so incredibly helpful in teaching me about this) and that food list i made a few days ago is also really helpful. my advice would be eat what feels good to your body and makes you have energy and feel good. stay active in your life and move in ways that also feel good. the more i take care of my body, the better my mind feels and the more in touch with myself i am.

6. back off instagram. that shit is... not great. i mean, it def has its moments (and memes) but overall i just feel like insta is a place where people post photos of their “perfect life moments” and want their friends to validate it. and then there’s all those influencers on there and so many insta stories and it’s just really overwhelming. if you really like instagram and don’t feel like it’s anxiety inducing then def keep it! but also know that it’s okay to step back from it for a lil bit. it really helped me to feel more present and not continuously compare myself to others and feel a need to post if a cool thing happened. it’s been nice to be more private and keep things for myself. 

7. patience. remembering that things take time and what you want is achievable you just have to keep goings. try new things. change your approach, allow yourself to fail. learn from the failure and do better next time. 

8. kindness. towards yourself and others. really putting in the effort to be kind to people in your everyday life makes SUCH a difference and really brightens their day and yours as well. putting out good vibes brings back good vibes, which then allows you to feel better about yourself and more in tune with others around you.

i’m going to stop this here bc this is so fucking long at this point lol i’m so sorry for that but i hope some of this was helpful pls let me know!!

[tenrkarchive]

happy #rkfifth ! PT. 1

so, i’ve finally found some time to get around to this! rkfifth is a big thing for me, so i definitely wanted to write something for it!

i first joined rookies back at the very end of 2015 with rkjaehyung. he was a pet shop worker who managed to hit it off with a lot of people really quickly, but sadly he didn’t last long, and was soon replaced by a muse i still hold very close to my heart despite him not surviving long either. that muse was rkhansol/solrk. he was my first dancer muse who, in all honesty, wasn’t very nice to begin with. it took a special friend (rkbyxngjoo) to loosen him up and make him a lot less cold towards people he didn’t know. sadly, having been hit really hard by his first failure after trying to get signed, and rkbjoo’s departure, i let him go, and subsequently took a break from rp for a few months.

when i returned, i came back with rkhyukkie. he was another muse i cherished a lot (which was clear from how many times i brought him back over the years). to this day i still somewhat miss him, and have to stop myself from throwing everything away to bring him back. he started out as a playful, witty, and genuinely surprising (for me) at how he changed from me thinking him up, to him actually interacting with people. he fell in love, but he ended up being dropped too, then brought back a few months later, and once again didn’t last long. i realised there was something off with him, that kept me from finding a comfy way of writing him, to keep him a stable muse, so i left him alone for a while. 

after him, i had multiple muses, i also brought back rkhansol, who was now solrk. he was nicer, having been living life peacefully pursuing dance in the months i hadn’t rped him. he was still in love, and still living in a dingy little apartment though, but this time he managed to snag the boy, and eventually decided he’d rather not be an idol, but simply stick to dancing in other ways, so that he could have a more peaceful life with his boyfriend. 

after this point my memory gets hazy and i know i had rkshiah (who may have been before solrk but im super unsure on this one) for a while somewhere, but she didn’t have as much impact on me as minhyuk and hansol had. 

then comes december 7th of 2016, and this is where something frankly miraculous happened. tenrk was born. i’d been a very casual fan on nct since they debuted in april of that year, but hadn’t gotten truly deep into stanning them. on a whim i thought ‘hey this guys cute, i’ll rp him and see how it goes!’. i had no idea at that time that tenrk would become something so special to me. he started out very different. he was sarcastic, and liked to tease people. he liked sports, and was more creative than charismatic, but after i started stanning irl ten, tenrk became heavily influenced by him (without me even trying). he softened up a lot, and his attention moved away from creativity, and he became less of a cheeky, annoying teen boy, and more of a tender, sweet young man who loved nothing more than dancing and his friends. 

throughout 2017 i had multiple muses, all of whom i cannot remember (i’m so sorry to all of them). none lived long, because beside tenrk, none of them could really stand up to how important he was to me and how much i enjoyed writing him. towards the end of 2017 i had dahyunrk and rkdaniel, but later dropped dahyun and swapped daniel out for rkhyuk.

now, to this day i still adore rkhyuk, who was a more mature, calm version of rkhyukkie. in a way, he was rkhyukkie, but with a few changes in his past. he lasted quite a while, which was rather surprising to me after how rkhyukkie didn’t hold up well, but rkhyuk, sadly, went through multiple heartbreaks in his time here. people he cared about leaving took a toll on him and eventually he became lonely, and being an idol just wasn’t what he wanted anymore. he tried his hand in the mgas, but it only solidified for him how he didn’t care much for performing anymore. whether it was due to the sadness he was battling with, or him just having grown out of his desire to be an idol, i’m still not sure, but i do know i still miss him, and i still want to rework him as a muse and if possible bring him back one day to try and get him that happily ever after he always dreamed of. 

during the time i had rkhyuk lucas debuted, and as adamant as i was about not falling for someone so loud and seemingly heterosexual (lol im sorry down with the hets bois), his soft side quickly showed, and i fell for the tall goofball. yukheirk was born on march 7th 2018. he was one of those muses who seemed to hit it off well with people to begin with (though that died down a lot later on sadly). he was that typical hetero ‘no homo bro’ type guy, which was really just him hiding a deep fear for his suspected bisexuality. 

yukheirk went through a lot in only his first few months here. he dated two girls, kissed na jaemin (sorry donghyuck), had a sexual awakening and feel in love, all before his horrible accident that ended his skating career. he became rkxuxi after adopting the nickname sicheng called him as his official name, since the name he chose for his skating career, lucas, now brought only bad memories. he’s still recovering now, many months after the accident, but now he’s got the boy of his dreams, and is working towards full recovery, and a happier outlook on life. he has some exciting things planned, and a bit of a change of direction in a way, but you’ll just have to wait to see all that!

now, for my newest baby, who honestly, i’ve been neglecting a little (especially since i started working recently it’s taken up a lot of my time). on september 26th 2018, rkguanheng arrived in rookies, who i talked about a lot before actually bringing him in. for a while he was just for fun dm rping, but he seemed so different to my current muses that i felt it would be beneficial to me to bring him in. he’s not as easily pacified as ten and xuxi, and speaks up when someone does something that bothers him. he’s not afraid of ruining budding relationships by speaking up when someone’s done something that upsets him, and that’s what i like about him. ten and xuxi are more likely to grin and bare things in silence, guanheng, however, knows when something isn’t fair.

guanheng is the most focused muse i have - he’s a creative writer. currently not a great dancer (and i don’t think he ever really will be) which is so unlike my muses (i’m such a sucker for dancers). i really like him so far, and am excited to write for him more when i find the time to plot more and get him really going. 

but for now i think that’s the entirety of my history here at rookies. i didn’t really go much into depth on tenrk, but all i really can say is he’s been through so much over the years, and having just passed his two year mark (which i studpidly missed as usual), he’s my longest ever tumblr rp muse. writing for him is almost like writing a journal sometimes, because out of all my muses, he’s the most like me. i put so much of myself into him that i suppose that’s why he’s lasted so long. to lose him would be like losing 2 years of my life. he’s had heartbreaks, emotional rollercoasters, and became one of the first boys in rookies to debut. when i first came to rookies, all those years back in 2015, i never thought i’d be here today, with a muse lasting longer than 2 years, who’s debuted, and had such a long romantic storyline, but, here’s the proof.

this is only part one of my rkfifth post, and since this has gotten so long, i want to stop here and make another post to thank each and every person who has made my time here so amazing. 

[atiny-one-blog]

Johar(i) window

Journal Entry: April 14 2019 (Pasay City)

As a part of understanding ourselves, we had this activity which was very much fun yet scary thing to do. It was called the Johari Window activity to be explained in a while. 

But first, lemme give y’all the backstory:

It was a very nice day, not too hot not too cold, we were all sitting in our SocSci classroom — very noisy. Suddenly, our teacher, Ma’am Ave asked us to get a piece of paper (a blue paper) and the students were at an uproar.

“Hala! Ano gagawen!” everybody shouted.

It was thrilling because every time ma’am asked us to get a piece of paper, everyone would just be out of their minds, thinking about a “quiz”. 

It was blue though, the paper was blue, so me and my friend (Renz) weren’t that shookedt about an upcoming quiz, we knew that there would simply be an activity — and then there was!

It was a simple activity, to summarize the directions, you just put things about yourself on one part of the paper, and at the backside, people would write something about you (when the proctor tells everyone to do so).

Here’s my results!

People thought of me, just how I wanted them to. A ‘funny’, ‘loud’ person with a hint of Kpop fan (as pertained by the Red Flavor comment) inside.

However, there were comments that were surprising for me: out-going? responsible? favorite English classmate (i’m so kilig)? VIRGIN HAHA? and magis?

I never knew that people looked at me that way also. Just to give you an outlook of how I perceived myself to be, here’s the other page:

Besides your typical, “noisy”, “funny”adjectives, I also wrote some of the negative things I thought myself to be. Perfectionist, short-tempered, matakaw, masungit, maantukin, sabog, and even young (perhaps this is relatable to the “virgin” adjective lol).

That was the point of the activity, to determine how different it was to see yourself as you, and as another person. There were various perspectives or ways to look at me — and I forgot to think about that.

Basically, there were four panels (perspectives) to the Johari Window. 

1. OPEN ARENA - which contained the similar things that you know about yourself, and what others perceive you to be.

2. BLIND SPOT - which contained the things that you do not know about yourself but others know.

3. HIDDEN ARENA - which contained characteristics that you know yet you don’t show or are not known to others.

4. UNKNOWN - which contained personalities that needed to be opened.

I placed all of the characteristics I wrote and others wrote to create my Johari Window, and surprisingly (as seen in the second picture), I had lots of blind spots and characteristics in my hidden arena.

It was quite disturbing at first, knowing that I stress a lot of how people perceived me to be. There were many things in my blind spots — I was very anxious! Fortunately, reading it a bit more times, there were actually more positive things that people think about me.

On the other hand, looking at the hidden arena (OH NOES!), I thought of myself very negatively. Super, super, super negatively. My hidden arena was composed of very bad (not-so-bad) things and that’s when I realized that all this time, I am always thinking of bad things about myself!

The activity was mind opening. These past few weeks, I always thought that I had confidence and I thought of myself as the ‘real’ me, that I was already contented.

BUT I WAS NOT!

As seen in this activity, I still have a lot to go through, especially in changing the mindset of myself or how I view myself.

I still have a lot to experience.

IT WOULD BE HARD PERO LET’S G!!!!!

[theoptomisticoutlook]

its time to change it up....

There comes a point in your healing journey where life just feels completely boring. I'm very happy don't get me wrong, I love who I am and who I am becoming but life is so boring. I am no longer satisfied in the parties, drinking, drugs, meaningless connections, or even one sided connections. My life needs new energies, new experience that don't involve getting high or drunk. My friends are no longer fulfilling me for some reason, I love them but I don't know. It almost feels as if I've out grown them. If we never talked again after this point, I honestly wouldn't be that upset or bothered. I have so much free time on my hands & I have no clue what to do with it either. I love my daily routine of waking up early, going to the gym, cleaning, eating lol, blogging on here, journaling, meditating, & praying. But what else is there to do? I hate watching movies or shows, if I chill & listen to music I just get stuck day dreaming or over thinking. I mean I could read, I could paint, I could dance, I could play cello, or maybe even start an online business. The thing is I have no motivation to do those things because that's not going to do anything to get me closer to my dreams, to fulfilling my destiny. So I ask myself, what can I do to get myself closer to my dreams? I have no clue. All I know is I was blessed with tons of knowledge, wisdom, & a beautiful optimistic outlook on life. I know I was blessed being very well spoken & captivating people with my words, so through that I desire to help people around the world achieve their personal freedom. Just how I was able to all by the age of 20, & I continue to live in my personal power, I continue to heal & continue to be a continuous student of life in order to one day become the teacher.      

[goodvibesonlyix]

WHOLE  BODY CLEANSE

November calls for another cleanse, with the Holidays approaching with all of it’s goodness bearing delicious foods and spiked almond-nog. It’s always nice to prepare / cleanse your body for a couple of weeks before the festivities begin. My fave holiday is THANKSGIVING! Which is only about three weeks away. So, in preparation for stuffing my belly with Mom’s good cooking, I’m going to get this gut flora right! 

This cleanse will begin on Nov. 8th, I will be accompanied by my partner in crime, Ant. We will be doing a whole body cleanse, MIND / BODY / SOUL. Down below are the rules of our cleanse. I will be journaling daily over course of this cleanse - tracking what I eat, updates on how I’m feeling and general tips / information I learn along the way to wellness. 

As always, thank you for being here! Please feel free to follow along with us on this cleanse and let me know how it’s going for you! Let’s do this! May we meet back here on Thanksgiving Eve with healthy bodies, clear minds and grateful souls! 

RULES FOR CLEANSE :

BODY

- No rice

- No soda

- No bread

- No dairy

- No meat

- No sweets

- Daily exercise 

- No alcoholic beverages  

- Drink a gallon of water a day 

- Double vegetable / fruit intake

- Add turmeric to our daily vitamin routine.

MIND 

- Bed by 10P

- Read nightly

- Journal daily

- Spend mindfully  

- No snooze button

- 10 min morning mediation / yoga

- Make-up bed in mornings

- Make coffee / lunch for work 

- Pick out outfits for work each night

- NEVER FORGET THE COCONUT OIL . . EVER

- Each day tell someone you love them and why you are grateful for them.

SOUL 

- Pray, to yourself and even with others. 

- Remind yourself you are great, you are loved and you are one of a kind.

- Remind the man above that you are forever thankful for his blessings and his presence in your life.

- What am I thankful for? What are am especially grateful for in 2017?

Have a wonderful Monn-dazzze - T x 

- 

NOV 8

Today was a great day! The first day of my November cleanse, it was wonderful with beautiful weather and good vibes. It was hard to stick to some of the rules of this cleanse with not having enough time this morning to mediate and do some yoga. However, today was the last day of my training in Chelsea and soon enough I will have the time to start self-care routine in the AM. I can only go up from here! 

Have a peaceful night x 

- 

NOV 9

Today was my Fri-yayyy! It feels so good to be stepping into the WKEND VIBES! Today Anthony and I had a great workout session, it felt so good to sweat and stretch. Sometimes I forget how important working out is until I’m actually doing it. Besides having a great workout, my wonderful mother made a detox soup that was amazing. This soup warmed us up from this 30 degree Boston weather. Great vibes all around today in my body and belly. 

Stay prayed up all x 

- 

NOV 10

Today I had the day off to help out my favorite Veteran - my mother. My mother served in the military in 1985 and a year before I was born. The bravest woman I know. With that said she needed to have a procedure done and needed someone to bring her home after. Although, it was a nerve tingling morning it ended on a great note with lunch at Whole Foods and warm lattes. The best time spent for me is with my mother. She is so beautiful overflowing from the inside out. I get to learn so much from her and it inspires me to be more like her. Love you mom. 

Stay warm my friends x 

- 

NOV 11

Today is exactly 3 months from my Wedding Day, I can’t believe it. After 12 years of ups and downs, I will be marrying my best friend. I would not want to be with anyone else, truly. Today was a lovely day filled with lots of sleep and relaxation with my partner for life, my Mom. We picked up some goodies from the grocery store to have a ladies night in. 

Health update - I feel great and according to my mom I look great. I’m still struggling with drinking the gallon of water a day, but I know with time and patience it will become easier. I hope any of you that are following along are feeling great from the inside out. 

Cheers to the weekend my loves x 

- 

NOV 12 

Today was a such a lazy day. But, a very productive day! A lot of Wedding items were purchased and are on their way in the mail! I headed over to the grocery store to put together a nice healthy dinner for my family. Not much to report today other than I’m feeling good and can’t wait to hit the gym tomorrow! Ready to get this week started with nothing less than good vibes!

Enjoy your night everyone x 

- 

NOV 13

Monday! Always serving refreshing and renewed feels. Today was such a productive day with an amazing workout, inspiring conversation, more water intake and homemade guacamole! It was a great way to start the week! I hope you all are feeling awesome. Enjoy your week!

Stay prayed up x

- 

NOV 19 

It’s been a whole 6 days since I’ve been here to update you on my cleanse. The reason being - everything has been going so well that I haven’t had the time to come jot down what’s been going on. I’ve been reading so much - books, magazines and other blogs. I’ve been working out daily and eating what feels good to this body of mines. Listening to Super Soul Sundays to learn and hear from beautiful people’s views on life, love and God. This cleanse was all about re-aligning myself - soul, body and mind. That’s what I’ve been doing this past week and it’s been wonderful. I’ve been following and focused on a something someone said “Remake yourself from the inside out. Carry a graceful soul.” That does not mean being perfect it simply means to be the best version of yourself. That’s what I’m working on during this cleanse, and day by day I realize I’m learning so much about myself and how to stay mindful. 

Thank you for being here as always x 

- 

NOV 22 

Loves -

This is the last day of my Wellness Cleanse. I’ve learned so much about myself / those around me / my day-to-day life. My peace has been  restored, through physical activities and verbal inspirations from others who are far more wise than myself. I needed this cleanse not just because I’m going to stuff my face tomorrow (which is Thanksgiving, LOL) but because I needed a spiritual / emotional check-in, re-awakening is more like it. Following all the rules I put in place, this cleanse has been so refreshing. All of me I feels lighter - better yet aligned. Being conscious of what I’m putting on my plate and how certain foods / drinks make me feel. Realizing the energy around me on a daily basis, wasn’t so good for me. Finding ways to deal with situations that bought my energy levels down. This whole cleanse has been about me reaching deeper and thinking smarter. With that said I think this has turned into a new lifestyle for me - reading more, less television, eating more lively foods, less processed foods. Staying silent, listening more. Pray, pray and pray some more. Reminding myself - you never know anyone’s journey, so don’t judge. Mediate more, move more. Speak kindly, avoid gossip. Loving my circle, treat them well, pray for them daily.

The time is now for a new outlook on life. Changes are happening all around me. I want to be apart of it. This internal makeover has made waves. I feel simply amazing. I hope those that followed along, feel great and feel that self-love deep inside. Taking care of myself / my soul for the last two weeks was the best thing I could have done. Let’s keep the positive vibes rollin’.  I wish you all a very . .

H A P P Y  T H A N K S G I V I N G !

T x 

[pumpkinspicelexatte]

*puts on scientist goggles* EVERY QUESTION

           Random and personal questions  Redacted abusers from history     

1. Name:Amy Brianna Rose Meadows

2. Birthplace:Worksop

3. Ancestry: I have zero idea but apparently i have some irish family lol is all i know

4. Zodiac Sign: Gemini

5. Biggest fear:Tied between getting older and people I love abandoning me

6. Strength/Weakness: Loyalty/Stubbornness

7. Worst habit:Eating salt packets whole?

8. Favorite holiday: Halloween I guess?

9. Ever been in a car crash: Nope

10. Have you ever had a crush on a teacher: So many times

11. What do you do as soon as you walk in the house: Check tumblr lol

12. Age at first kiss:25

13. When did you fall in love for the first time: I wanna say 11 ish?

14. Who Is Your Longest Friend & How Long:

15. Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: Be happier

16. What were you doing at midnight last night: Sending my girlfriend a birthday message and listening to the new paramore album

17. When was the last time you laughed hard: today with @janes-nature-garden “I guess you just have internalized drumphobia”

18. Who was the last person that told you they love you: @allisbornagain

19. What was the first thing you thought when you woke up yesterday morning: yesterday as in thursday i guess, either @allisbornagain is so cute or why are there chickens

20. Where did you go for your first date and who was it with: I guess the cinerma with my first ever girlfriend grace when i was like 13 lol

21. Who’s wedding were you in the first time you were a bridesmaid or a groomsmen:I have never

22. Who did you see in concert first:Thursday when they opened for MCR

23. Who was your favorite teacher:Jemma my college biology twacher

24. Who is the first person you call when you have a bad day: @allisbornagain or @janes-nature-garden

25. Who do you think about most: @adorablyamy or @allisbornagain or @janes-nature-garden

26. Is your ideal occupation?  If i didn’t suck at it a writer of some kind

27. Beer, wine, or liquor? I guess wine

28. Favourite restaurant? Firezza in soho is amazing but i’ve been to so many good places recently

29. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? Dairy free soy vanilla

30. McDonlads or Burger King? Burger king

31. Fantasy dinner guest(s)? Alexa bliss, Poppy, Lana del rey, Hayley williams

32. Have you ever been drunk? When was the last time? lots of time, Probably the night me and jane did karaoke

33. What is the most embarrassing thing you have done drunk? probably karaoke with Jane lol

34. Wonder Woman or Cat Woman? I have no idea

35. How many pets do you have? Does a vulpix count? :p

36. What would be the first thing you bought if you won the lottery? A house so i could live with my girlfriends

37. When was the first time you smoked? Technically age 2 or 3 lol

38. Who last sent you a text? Jane

39. Who did you last send a text to? Jane

40. What 4 things would you take to a desert island? Sattelite internet, water purifier, phone , solar charger

41. Name the 3 most important people in your life? @allisbornagain @janes-nature-garden @truetrashsoulrebel

42. Favorite song? Right now it’s idle worship by paramore

43. Favorite movie? The disappearance of haruhi suzumiya

44. When did you last cuddle someone? today

45. When did you last have sex? I guess technically wednesday although weird feels lol

46. If you woke up tomorrow with no fear, what would you do first? Internet stuff for money lol

47. What was your biggest worry five years ago, do you still feel the same about it at this minute? That i’ll never be able to be a girl

48. If you could change one law of your country, what would it be? I have no idea

49. What relationships have ended? But you can’t let go? I guess there’s one online one where i still love them a whole lot and i just can’t get past it

50. Where would you take a road trip? I have no idea

51. How do Mondays feel for you? alright

52. If you could spend ten minutes with your ‘hero’ alive or dead what would you ask them? i dont know

53. Do your practice ‘self love’ or ‘self loathing’? self loathing mostly lol

54. What’s your greatest achievement to date? Escaping an awful abuser?

55. What scares you about your future? Money and fascism

56. Why does pizza come in a square box? Because delivery bags are square?

57. What would happen if you knew you could not fail? no idea

58. How does it feel to be photographed? nice sometimes

59. If you could erase an event from your mind, which one would you choose? A certain night in november

60. Do you want your children (if you have any) to be ‘just like you’? Nope bpd is hell

61. Do you stand for what you believe in or are you pleasing others? I’m kinda bad at just trying to please others

62. If money were no concern, what would you do for the rest of your life? Something useful and good like volunteer

63. What are you thankful for, this moment? Actually feeling like i have a chance to live

64. Do you have same sex gender fantasies? Always

65. If you have had sex in a public place, where? Not quite but there was a bus station with em

66. Have you ever cried during/after sex? lol yep

67. Who is the oldest person you’ve had sex with? 27

68. Who is the youngest person you’ve had sex with? 21

69. Would you rather be in a relationship with a totally submissive partner or a totally dominant partner? as a polyam i can choose both right? :p

70. How tall are you?    6′3 ish

71. How much do you weigh? I have no idea, I avoid because ed related reasons   

72. What color is your hair naturally?     dark blonde/ light brown?

73. What size jeans do you wear?    16?

74. What is your favorite color to wear?  pink or black  

75. Do you have any piercings?     nope

76. Do you have any tattoos?    nope

77. Do you care how other people see you?    very yes

78. Do you like sports?    eh not really, thanks to certain podcast hosts i have a slight interest in mma lol

79. How do you feel about age differences in relationships?    mostly fine as long as everyone is over 18 although huge age differences particularly way older men scream creepy power dynamic

80. How do you feel about race differences in relationships?    why would that be an issue????

81. Do you believe in karma or fate?    very yes

82. Do you keep a journal?    nope

83. Describe the last dream you remember:   making out with a tumblr follower, although one i interact more with on twitter lol

84. Describe your favorite dream:    

85. Where are some places you would like to visit?    Arctic to see aurora, Japan with em tbh

86. Any upcoming concerts you want to attend?    not really

87. What music do you listen to when you are happy?    paramore, lana , poppy

88. What music do you listen to when you are mad?    paramore , lana, poppy, melanie martinez

89. Do you like to burn candles or incense?    not really

90. What was the last alcoholic beverage you consumed?    wine

91. What are your favorite alcoholic beverages?    prosecco is good atm lol

92. Do you smoke cigarettes or cigars? What about marijuana? only when jane gives me them :p i have before

93. Who is your number 1 friend and why is he or she there?    All my friends are good, but i guess Jane has a best friend feel?

94. Has anyone ever mistaken you for a family member?   nope

95. Is there anyone of your friends that you would ever consider having sex with? a few

96. Would you ever have sex in the shower or the bath? seems dangerous :p I’d fall in the shower lol

97. Have you ever kissed or had sex with someone of the same sex gender?I have only

98. Do you think your last ex still wants to be with you?ew

99. Ever wondered what it would be like dating the same gender as you?no cause thats all i’ve done , well mostly , i’ve dated some nb people

100. What are your outlooks on gay/bisexual people? Amazing

101. How often do you brush your teeth?Daily, thanks exec dysfunction

102. How often do you shower?  When was the last time you had a shower? most days , today

103. How often do you shave your legs?weekly?

104. Political affiliation? not sure

105. Opinion on abortion? let people do what they want /need with their bodies

106. Opinion on immigrants/ immigration reform? immigrants are in no way a bad thing

107. Should prostitution be legalized? very yes

108. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are? if i could choose? like 19

109. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do? Capitalism?

110. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world? make men not in charge

111. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich? Something involving looking after pets?

112. Would you break the law to save a loved one? yes

113. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why? italy seems nice i guess?

114. Why are you the person you are? Abuse and trauma?

115. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend? Kinda although im super needy

116. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars? they don’t really,

117. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you? do my comfort things in public, be visibly trans

118. Were you happy when you woke up today? not really

119. What’s a fact about the last person who text messaged you? she laughs at the tube station euston cause of euston we have a problem

120. Want someone back in your life? Not anyone who would be good

121. What are you excited for? My chewable necklace thing

122. Are you scared to fall in love? not any more thanks to @allisbornagain

123. When is your next road trip? never?

124. What was the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? message em?

125. Do you like to cuddle? very yes

126. Have you ever kissed more than one person in 24 hours? I’ve kissed two people within five seconds of each other

127. Plans for tomorrow? Rest i’ve been told

128. Do you care too much/not at all/just enough? can’t care too much so just enough

129. How is life going for you right now? okay to good in different aspects

130. If you were offered a shot of whiskey right this second, would you accept? sure

131. This time last year, can you remember who you liked? probably @catnip-brownies :p

132. Could you stay in the same relationship for over a year? yep

133. If you could have one super power what would it be? shapeshifiting seems fun

134. Background on your cell phone? Me jane and em

135. What are you thinking about right this second? Girlfriends

136. Last book you read? How was it? The sigh of haruhi suzumiya  pretty good

137. What is the last thing you bought? food

138. Do you live with your parents? nope

139. Have you ever been caught sneaking out? nah my parents never cared

140. Have you ever met a celebrity? nope

141. What are you like when you’re drunk? fun and loud

142. What are you like when you’re high? emotional

143. Do you want children? idk

144. Do you want a church wedding? idk

145. How many pillows do you sleep with? 3

146. Have you ever been scuba diving? nope

147. Who was your first real crush? Lauren styles a blonde girl who moved to where i lived from croydon,

148. What are you allergic to? some antiallergy meds

149. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they?Meadow Meadows

150. Do you want a boy a girl for a child? girl prolly

151. How did you get your name? i chose it , inspired by someone who saved me

152. Name one thing about your body you love? My butt is pretty nice

153. What is your biggest goal in life? be happy and help people I care about be happy

154. Do you still have feelings for your ex? is hate a feeling?

155. Do you think aliens are real? yeah

156. What age did you start drinking? I guess 14 on a school trip to italy?

157. What do you think of President Obama? I don’t know enough about politics nevermind american ones

158. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? Yep , nearing 6 months and 5.5 months with my gfs :)

159. Describe your dream girl/guy? furryish cute, weird, gay

167. Favorite fictional character (movie, book, tv show)? Weiss schnee right now

168. How many followers do you have on tumblr? What about twitter/ instagram? 1274 , 215 ish , 50

169. Are you friend with your parents on Facebook? hahahahahhahahahahhahahah no

170. First time you thought you were in love? When did you realize that you weren’t actually in love with that person?

171. Do you talk to yourself? Always, in the third person referring to myself as aimz , amyface, amykins or aimster lol

172. How old will you be on your next birthday? 26 ew

173. How did you meet the last person you kissed? On tumblr

174. Do you have any hickies?i have never

175. Turn ons? girls

176. Turn offs? boys

179. How many siblings do you have?  one sister

180. Have you ever taken anyone’s virginity? ew yes

[raslas01-blog]

Read With Me

Book of the Week December 29, 2019

Read With Me: Choose Fi

Book of the Week December 22, 2019

Read With Me: Atomic Habits

This book starts out with the author being hit right between the eyes with a baseball bat landing him in a coma. Coming back from this he became an amazing athlete through using the steps in his book to create atomic habits to get him where he wanted to be in life. He created a series of systems that allowed him to improve by 1%, consistently leading him to the successful person he is today. I like the way the author breaks down the 1% rule. It helps simplify the steps to creating better habits. He explains the origin of habits and how they are used to simplify our lives on a daily basis. Our brain is wired to reduce the amount of thinking on tasks we’ve done in the past. The brain uses basic problem-solving skills on a subconscious level to create habits through our daily interactions in life. Our brain creates cravings based on cause and effect and rewards. We wake up each morning and follow a routine. For me this is coffee. My brain signals that I need coffee as soon as I open my eyes because that is how my brain associates becoming alert. This is a habit that has been ingrained in me since high school. If I was to decide that I wasn’t going to drink coffee anymore, I would have to retrain my brain to not crave coffee. With that being said, this book gives you baby steps on how to do just that. By making it less desirable and keeping it simple, you can eliminate bad habits and create better ones. This book will change your life through helping you create good habits and eliminate the bad ones. By improving ourselves by 1% consistently we live happier, healthier lives. Book of the Week December 15, 2019

Read With Me: Rewire Your Anxious Brain

I think this book makes a great follow up to Unfu*k yourself because it gets into how the brain works. It’s broken up into 3 sections. The first section explains the areas of the brain and how they affect your choices and habits. I found it difficult to follow the different areas of the brain and their responsibilities. It wasn’t difficult to understand, just hard for me to stay focused. Sometimes information is harder for me to stay focused on, I tend to wonder. The second part of the book get into strategies on how to have control over your thoughts. It includes ways to change your thinking and focus to reduce anxiety. It helps you become more of an optimist rather than a pessimist. By training your brain to have a more positive outlook on your life you reduce the stress around the fear of negative outcomes. If you plan for negativity, you produce negativity even in a positive situation. The author gives simple steps to catch the negative thoughts and turn them around. The outcome of any situation is always decided by the attitude you have when handling it. We make things out to be so much worse than they are. In the third section she talks about being mindful and using meditation to calm the overactive brain. I find meditation to be agonizingly hard. I try to meditate all the time. With all of the distractions we have around us, it’s no wonder it’s so difficult. I use journaling. I can’t shut my mind off, but I do enjoy letting it all run onto the paper. I found this be very motivating and beneficial to understanding all the thoughts that run through my head on a daily basis. With that being said I am working on trying to completely quiet my mind for 5 minutes a day. So, what did you think? Did you find any of the information in this book useful? I did. How did you feel about the techniques discussed? I love the way author broke things down and asked questions to allow you find your anxieties. Did you find anything that you are going to incorporate into your life? Do you feel that any of the authors ideas would make a difference? Please comment below, I would love to hear your take on this book and the others we read.  Don’t forget to get this weeks “Read With Me” book: Atomic Habits Book of the week December 8, 2019

Read With Me: Unfu*k Yourself

Unfu*k Yourself is a great book. I highly recommend it but only if you are truly ready to face yourself. This is a no gray area kind of book. It is not for the easily offended. If you are not ready to except that you put yourself in your situation and you need to get yourself out of it, then don’t read it. I am not easily offended. I read this book twice this week and it put me in such a bad mood both times. It wasn’t the book that did it, it was the truth it revealed. The first time I read it, it got under my skin. All the way through it I kept thinking; I try, I do these things, I’m not that bad, this is bullshit. The truth is, it pissed me off because it was right. We have more conversations in our subconscious on a daily basis that contradict our conscious thoughts and control our actions. These automatic negative thoughts have more power because we allow them to control our actions. Most of our lives are spent on autopilot. The only way to change that is to actively change our thoughts. Catch the self-sabotaging thoughts and override them to actions that align with the life you want. The second time I read it, I was just as mad but ready to except the truth. I’ve spent my life wining at building the life I have while wanting something better. I don’t mean that I am not happy with my life as a whole, I am. I have a great life with a great family. What I mean is, like most us, I have goals that I’m not living up to. When you read this book, you’ll realize that you are getting exactly what you want. We are all in our own way. This is what made me angry. We tell ourselves and everyone what we want out of life but the decisions we make on a daily basis reflect exactly what we have. We make plans instead of actions. This why we go in circles never getting anywhere. If you want to lose weight instead of planning on getting up early and going to the gym, just do it. If your trying to save money and be financially responsible and then go to Walmart and spend most of your paycheck, you’re getting exactly what you want “more stuff” and no savings. Sound familiar, it does to me. Stop and ask yourself, “is this what I really want,” next time you’re going against what you say you want. Book of the week December 1, 2019

Read With Me: Living Well Spending Less

Living Well Spending Less is a 12 step Christian program for taking control of your finances. I love that the author isn’t preaching about how great she is in following these steps. She is a shopaholic that still struggles at times. As you read this book, it goes from 12 step finance program to more like a way of life program that will leave you feeling happy and with purpose. Living your life in a way that brings community rather than stuff will bring true inner happiness. She includes steps for decluttering your house. The steps can be hard but the outcome is well worth it. Make your home a comfortable, happy place. Take time to appreciate those around you. More focus on the service of others leads to less focus on filling a void with STUFF. The author also includes many tips and resources on how to live well and spend less. This was a great book or guide to life that included many bible passages as well as how to incorporate Gods teachings into our everyday lives. Book of the week November 24, 2019

Read With Me: Lifespan

A rider had recommended this book to me. Lifespan is a scientific book about aging that is not too technical for an average reader. The breakthroughs that the authors team has are incredible. Could you imagine living to be 120. Could you imagine living to be 120 without the agony that comes with aging. I’m not sure how I feel about living to be that old but the idea of having a better quality of life in my my old age is intriguing. I think the author does a great job of discussing the ethical side of his research too. He gets his view across while still questioning it. I honestly don’t know how I feel about it. I want to live a longer, happy life but I worry about the impact a longer life would make. We have already significantly increased life expectancy so much over the last 100 years, how far can we increase it in the next 100 years? At this point I don’t like genetically modified foods so idea of genetically modifying myself is crazy. I do feel that this the future. I think medicine will look completely different and people will live a long time. I enjoyed this book. It was a little different from what I usually read and it had me questioning myself at times. I would definitely recommend this book to anyone fighting age. Book of the week November 9, 2019

Read With Me: The Miracle Morning

This book was one of the best books I’ve read this year. Hal Elrod is an amazing human being. The stuggles that this man has gone through in his life make most of ours just a bad day. The life altering struggles that he over comes empowers you in a way that other books fall short. The simplicity of his process makes it seem too easy to produce results. The busyness in our own heads makes it hard to decompress. He explains how to do just that in small bits of time. Starting your day everyday in the right state of mind, feeling like you’re on top of the world is your miracle morning will do for you. I’ll be honest here and say, I followed his advice for a week. In that week I felt great. I left the house and was more productive. I felt more relaxed and focused throughout the day. In fact, It was during my miracle morning that I came up with my plan to start this blog and I have really been enjoying it. Feeling so good, as a lot of us do, I stopped taking my iron and my energy plummeted and I stopped. I get lethargic due to very low Iron saturation. I will start my miracle morning again because I miss how good I felt, only this time I will continue to take my Iron. lol! Anyone that is looking for a more focused, productive, and spiritual life this book is for you. Read the full article

[moidse]

Journal 10

I’m not sure how healthy our relationship is. I know what i genuinely want with a relationship. I want someone loyal who will be there with me. I want to settle down with someone and grow in LA. I want to have a big kid job that pays well and is doing what I love and have worked for all my life. I want a beautiful loving partner who is also doing a creative feel that they love. I want someone to come home to. I want something stable. 

When I said this they made it clear that that’s not them. They said that’s not what they are looking for. So, if it is clear we want different things why am I still trying to be with them? I know this is what I want. I know that is what I’m looking for in a partner. Why would I even talk about moving to LA with them, yes it is such a far away thought, but why would they even sort of joke that we could still move to LA together if they know they don’t want to settle down there and LA would just be the first of many places they would travel and move around to? I don’t want you to have to bend and be something you are not. 

Yet, I clearly try to do the same. I definitely am bending and trying to see if I can accept and be okay with them making out with random people and just being so flirty with everyone. Being poly essentially. It’s just such the opposite of me. But I think I can learn to be more open about it because I feel like me being not open is rooted in my own insecurity. Whenever I think about it a lot of my thoughts revolve around me feeling like I can’t get the same attention as them because I’m awkward, bad at flirting, uncomfortable with my body, get really bad anxiety when ppl hit on me. ... It just ultimately comes back to me and reminds me of the parts of myself I hate and wish weren’t like that. It’s just a reminder that I believe I am not that desirable. 

I don’t feel secure with my body, with my looks, that I’m attractive at all. I want to work towards feeling comfortable in my own skin. I am running more to try to lose weight and my ultimate goal this year is to move things forward with getting top surgery. It just sucks. I guess these are concrete steps forward toward being happier with the body I have. Once I feel secure in my body and looks my outlook may very well change... but I suppose it would be not intelligent to bank on my POV maybe changing after I have surgery in a year... My POV could easily stay the same. I could feel comfortable in my body, secure in myself when it comes to flirting and mingling and still not be into my partner making out with people randomly and flirting with people. 

I suppose that perspective is assuming that when I am in a body that I feel confident in in public, where I feel seen in my body and I dont have to feel shame... that I will understand the feeling of wanting to make out with random people and be flirtatious... it’s like well what if I don’t lol. But I do fantasize about after getting Top Surgery being more sexually open... I fantasize about doing photo shoots wearing more revealing clothing and having it up on instagram. I fantasize about showing off my body after top surgery because I will be proud of the body I am in and I’ve never once felt that sort of confidence with myself.. So it’s like I could see maybe having more understanding then. 

Either way, I think the space we have between us now is very healthy. I do think we are good together in that we get along really well and we are very sexually compatible. But in terms of what we both are looking for in a relationship it seems to be a bit of a mismatch. But to be honest, the only issue I can see arising is like, oh no, I’m missing out on meeting a partner who will meet my needs in the ways they don’t because I will be too busy with them... But it’s like I honestly do not think I will find someone to settle down with until I move to LA. especially with this attitude and not being open to is lol. But it’s like say we want different things in a relationship, like is that enough to end it and stop hanging with them? Nothing is causing harm by us hanging once a week and going on a date once a week. That’s not stopping me from meeting someone else. Wait should I be looking for someone else? Well we aren’t dating, they broke up with me. I guess I should just be open and honest if I have plans to go on a date with someone and see if they are cool with it. It’s like I might go on a date with that person in cbus, who knows, I’m not too pressed. I am more excited in meeting a new artist then them as a love interest cause idk them so idk if I’ll like them. 

Also, I wanna bring up how they will try to hint and make me do what they want without asking me directly. It feels a bit like manipulation. I would appreciate it if you were upfront about your feelings and what you want. I take what you say very literally as we can see you often have to explain that you are just joking when you text me saying you want to come over. I would appreciate it if you were more forward about what you want from me and I’m sure I could be doing the same towards you. An example would be new years eve night, I could have said to you, hey I know we have plans and I do want to spend new years with you but I was just invited to a party with friends I haven’t seen in a long time, Would you be okay with me going to this party for an hour if I promise to hold time for you later tonight?  

And you could’ve asked me directly and said, hey I’m personally having a hard time with drinking right now and being around people drinking too, I know it’s new years and you probably would like to have a drink at this party but could you possibly not drink tonight for me because I am having a rough time right now and would like to be with you sober? 

Also I don’t think it’s fair for you to say you were scared I was going to be wasted if I went to the party for an hour and drank. How is that fair for you to make that assumption of me? ((Because i invited you to my house one time and was wasted? Also I was at my own house and wasn’t driving in that situation.)) It just makes me feel like you don’t trust me much at all. I didn’t drink much and was going to meet up with you but you canceled. I don’t think it’s fair to say you assumed bad behavior of me... I’m sorry you didn’t trust me but if you didn’t make that assumption you would’ve seen I wasn’t drunk, but because you assumed and canceled you’ll never know and it’s okay you made that assumption about me why? It’s just frustrating for me because I wasn’t wasted. To clarify, when we were on the phone the other day you said it was fair to assume that of me and i didn’t say anything back at the time but it hurt that you said that. 

Or even asking to hang with me and Ashley, I would’ve really appreciated it if you directly asked and said, hey I’m about to pull through cincinnati, I’m not sure if you all are hanging out right now but I was wondering if it would be okay if I crashed and joined? I totally understand if you’d like to just hang out with the two of you but thought I’d ask and throw it out there because I very much look forward to meeting your friend ashley.  

The thing that really bothered me about the last one was when I indirectly declined you said your intention was fishing for an invite to hug on the highway. was that true? I dont believe it was. If you were direct and just asked you would’nt have to make up something like that but like also why not just be honest and say I was fishing for an invite to hang out with you and ashley in cincinnati tonight. I would just appreciate it if things were more honest and clear. 

[beautyandbraiiiiins]

All about me

1. Name: Jackie 2. Birthplace: Chicago 3. Ancestry: Puerto Rican? 4. Zodiac Sign: Leo 5. Biggest fear: getting sick, snakes, balloons lol 6. Strength/Weakness: organized and I work hard at what I love & weakness, not very artistic like my drawings suck lmao 7. Worst habit: biting my nails 8. Favorite holiday: 4th of July and Halloween 9. Ever been in a car crash: yes 10. Have you ever had a crush on a teacher:no 11. What do you do as soon as you walk in the house: Take off my shoes and jacket(if it's winter) 12. Age at first kiss: 14 13. When did you fall in love for the first time: 16 14. Who Is Your Longest Friend & How Long: Samantha & 8 years 15. Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: lose weight and gain confidence, learn to love myself 16. What were you doing at midnight last night: homework :( 17. When was the last time you laughed hard: yesterday 18. Who was the last person that told you they love you: momma bear 19. What was the first thing you thought when you woke up yesterday morning: fuck school 20. Where did you go for your first date and who was it with: I think Red Robin lmao 21. Who’s wedding were you in the first time you were a bridesmaid or a groomsmen: my cousin Melissa 22. Who did you see in concert first: Beyoncé and destinys child 23. Who was your favorite teacher: mr gates 24. Who is the first person you call when you have a bad day: mom and sister 25. Who do you think about most: my family and Ava and my man 26. Is your ideal occupation? Pharmacist 27. Beer, wine, or liquor? Wine 28. Favourite restaurant? Chick fil a if that qualifies lmao otherwise chillis 29. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? Vanilla or nutty coconut from baskin robins 30. McDonlads or Burger King? McDonald's def 31. Fantasy dinner guest(s)? Ryan Reynolds 32. Have you ever been drunk? When was the last time? Yes and shit a while back I'm not a drinker 33. What is the most embarrassing thing you have done drunk? Pee in an alley.... 34. Wonder Woman or Cat Woman? Cat woman she sexy 35. How many pets do you have? 3 36. What would be the first thing you bought if you won the lottery? My momma a house 37. When was the first time you smoked? Like 16/17 lol 38. Who last sent you a text? Coworker 39. Who did you last send a text to? Mom 40. What 4 things would you take to a desert island? Family obviously, makeup, internet, clothes 41. Name the 3 most important people in your life? Mom, Sara and Ava 42. Favorite song? Rn.. clash by alesso 43. Favorite movie? Transformers 44. When did you last cuddle someone? Today 45. When did you last have sex? Yesterday 46. If you woke up tomorrow with no fear, what would you do first? Get drunk and go on a roller coaster 47. What was your biggest worry five years ago, do you still feel the same about it at this minute? getting sick & yes 48. If you could change one law of your country, what would it be? No guns. Period. 49. What relationships have ended? But you can’t let go? Friendships with girls in highs school 50. Where would you take a road trip? Cali 51. How do Mondays feel for you? Ehh they ight 52. If you could spend ten minutes with your ‘hero’ alive or dead what would you ask them? How do you do it mom? 53. Do your practice ‘self love’ or ‘self loathing’? Self love 54. What’s your greatest achievement to date? Getting into pharmacy school 55. What scares you about your future? Not making it or having a family or getting over my fears 56. Why does pizza come in a square box? Why is the sky blue? 57. What would happen if you knew you could not fail? I'd never stop trying 58. How does it feel to be photographed? Awkward kinda 59. If you could erase an event from your mind, which one would you choose? My grandmas wake :/ 60. Do you want your children (if you have any) to be ‘just like you’? Some aspects of me, yes 61. Do you stand for what you believe in or are you pleasing others? Stand for what I believe in 62. If money were no concern, what would you do for the rest of your life? Make sure my family is happy and healthy 63. What are you thankful for, this moment? Being able to pay all my bills and having an amazing family as a support system 64. Do you have same sex fantasies?no 65. If you have had sex in a public place, where? In the garage? In a car ? 66. Have you ever cried during/after sex? Yes lmao 67. Who is the oldest person you’ve had sex with? 21 68. Who is the youngest person you’ve had sex with? 20 69. Would you rather be in a relationship with a totally submissive partner or a totally dominant partner? Dominant 70. How tall are you? 5'1 71. How much do you weigh? 130 72. What color is your hair naturally? Light brown 73. What size jeans do you wear? 7 74. What is your favorite color to wear? Black, nudes, army green, mauve shades 75. Do you have any piercings? Yes 76. Do you have any tattoos? Yes 77. Do you care how other people see you? Yes 78. Do you like sports? Yes 79. How do you feel about age differences in relationships? Not too old but love is love 80. How do you feel about race differences in relationships? Love it 81. Do you believe in karma or fate? Karma 82. Do you keep a journal? No 83. Describe the last dream you remember: my bf cheated on me with Fiona from shameless 84. Describe your favorite dream: winning the lottery 85. Where are some places you would like to visit? Paris, Italy, London and bora bora and Turks and Caicos 86. Any upcoming concerts you want to attend? Lolla and samf 87. What music do you listen to when you are happy? Rap & r&b 88. What music do you listen to when you are mad? Dubstep 89. Do you like to burn candles or incense? Candles 90. What was the last alcoholic beverage you consumed? Beer 91. What are your favorite alcoholic beverages? Margarita or moscato lmao typical 92. Do you smoke cigarettes or cigars? What about marijuana? Cigs sometimes like socially and weed barely once in a blue moon if that 93. Who is your number 1 friend and why is he or she there? Sam bc she's awesome and can keep a secret 94. Has anyone ever mistaken you for a family member? Yes 95. Is there anyone of your friends that you would ever consider having sex with? No 96. Would you ever have sex in the shower or the bath? Yes 97. Have you ever kissed or had sex with someone of the same sex? No 98. Do you think your last ex still wants to be with you? Ehhhh maybe 99. Ever wondered what it would be like dating the same gender as you? Not really 100. What are your outlooks on gay/bisexual people? Don't care 101. How often do you brush your teeth? 2 times a day morning and night 102. How often do you shower? When was the last time you had a shower? Daily and today 103. How often do you shave your legs? Once a week. Not a hairy person lmao 104. Political affiliation? Democratic? Lmao 105. Opinion on abortion? Woman's body, her choice, for it 106. Opinion on immigrants/ immigration reform? Don't wanna get into that 107. Should prostitution be legalized? Fuck no 108. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are? 18 109. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do? Bc we have to.. like work 110. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world? Judge mental ppl 111. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich? Giving advice and support 112. Would you break the law to save a loved one? Yes 113. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why? Florida bc my dad lives there 114. Why are you the person you are? Bc of my personal experiences and knowledge 115. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend? Always 116. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars? Bc they want you to convert? 117. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you? Do whatever I please 118. Were you happy when you woke up today? Yes 119. What’s a fact about the last person who text messaged you? He's a sweetheart 120. Want someone back in your life? Yes 121. What are you excited for? The weekend 122. Are you scared to fall in love? Sometimss 123. When is your next road trip? Idk 124. What was the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? Homework 125. Do you like to cuddle? Love it 126. Have you ever kissed more than one person in 24 hours? Yes lol... 127. Plans for tomorrow? School and chilllax lmao 128. Do you care too much/not at all/just enough? Too much 129. How is life going for you right now? Pretty decent 130. If you were offered a shot of whiskey right this second, would you accept? No 131. This time last year, can you remember who you liked? Billy 132. Could you stay in the same relationship for over a year? Yes of course 133. If you could have one super power what would it be? Read pls minds when I wanted to tho 134. Background on your cell phone? A lion 135. What are you thinking about right this second? Not wanting to go back to work from break 136. Last book you read? How was it? Milk and honey & super good 137. What is the last thing you bought? Chocolate covered raisins 138. Do you live with your parents? Yes 139. Have you ever been caught sneaking out? No 140. Have you ever met a celebrity? Yes 141. What are you like when you’re drunk? fun and crazy the good kind 142. What are you like when you’re high? Giggles and relaxed 143. Do you want children? One day 144. Do you want a church wedding?yes 145. How many pillows do you sleep with?3 146. Have you ever been scuba diving? No 147. Who was your first real crush? Omgggg this polish guy named prezemek lmao 148. What are you allergic to? Bullshit 149. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they? Not ready lmao 150. Do you want a boy a girl for a child? Girl 151. How did you get your name? Charlie's angels, jaclyn smith 152. Name one thing about your body you love? My ass lmao 153. What is your biggest goal in life? To be happy 154. Do you still have feelings for your ex? Ehh somewhat 155. Do you think aliens are real? No 156. What age did you start drinking? 19 157. What do you think of President Obama? Love him miss him and want him back 158. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? Maybe who knows 159. Describe your dream girl/guy? Honest, loyal, creative, easy to talk to 160. Story of your first kiss? In front of my middle school and cried when I got home 161. Story of the first time you made out with someone? It was awkward 162. Story of the first time you had sex? Friends basement -.- horrible but I loved the guy 163. When did you first have sex? Summer 2012 164. First time you gave/ received oral sex? Summer 2012 165. Do you still talk to the person you lost your virginity to? No he's a nut job 167. Favorite fictional character (movie, book, tv show)? Chuck bass 168. How many followers do you have on tumblr? 15,800 What about twitter/ instagram? 1,344 twitter and ig: 2,500 169. Are you friend with your parents on Facebook? Yes 170. First time you thought you were in love? When did you realize that you weren’t actually in love with that person? High school 171. Do you talk to yourself? To remind my self of stuff yes 172. How old will you be on your next birthday? Twenty fun!!!! 173. How did you meet the last person you kissed? Work lmao 174. Do you have any hickies? No 175. Turn ons? Neck kisses 176. Turn offs? Smelly breath 177. What qualities did you get from your mom? Her body lmao 178. What qualities did you get from your dad? His personality 179. How many siblings do you have? 1 180. Have you ever taken anyone’s virginity? Yes lmao