#and truly it made me so confused bc i am truly not but idk guess to her i am so 🤷‍♀️

[faunandfloraas]

Being an introvert that everyone thinks is an extrovert is sure... something

[heavilycaffeinatedsblog]

Hiii omg just wanna start off with how much I absolutely adore how you write klance. The yearning, the heart, the energy to them it's just so SO good. I saw the ask that mentioned half the galaxy and it reminded me I had a very dumb question about it that prob only I'm slightly confused on so ignore me if it's rude at all it's not my intention but when you say "half the galaxy" does that mean the story only takes place in that singular galaxy or they only discussed the one? Idk if that makes sense 🤔(my question)

I've just noticed a lot of ppl use galaxy and universe interchangably when they're diff things so I was curious to which you meant. I'll accidentally read vld fics by default on the universal scale since they're defenders of the universe and whatnot so just wanna make sure I read ppls stories set in the actual setting they're meant for if that makes sense? Especially bc space itself is so HUGE like millions of galaxies in the universe huge so I guess I got a little confused on the scale of the story when they were referencing half a galaxy (I'm not trying to be rude or anything I'm just genuinely curious so when I reread I got it not running away in my head ,u can totally ignore this if u want. Adore you and ur writing I rec the fics all the time.)

No idea if this made any sense? I feel like I'm rambling I'm so sorry I prob caused the confusion for myself overthinking 😔

Okay, what a fascinating idea regarding Voltron fics that I admittedly am not science-versed enough to truly answer hm hm

At least in “Half the Galaxy”’s case, the title stems from something Shiro casually throws out, saying that “half the galaxy” is in love with Lance. So it’s not necessarily meant to be a true representation of distance or the area they are in, more a way to show how Lance (and the rest of Voltron) are like celebrities to other planets?

I rarely write in canon, but when I do, I think I use “galaxy” in terms of a part of the “universe” but honestly space is so mind boggling to me I can’t even be sure if I’m understanding it right lolol

Thanks for your question!

[stoopid-turtle]

hello... 😅 uhm, first of all, i truly am sorry in advance for being awkward 😭 but for once i decided not to let my awkwardness keep me from sharing (what i think/hope are) positive thoughts with a stranger on the internet, so here i am.

i'm not around much and legit only made this acc bc like you i'm a late bloomer here and needed as many outlets for my yizhan/wangxian obsession as i could get my greedy hands on, in the big year of 2023... sigh. anyway, as an avid lover of meta/analysis posts since my early fandom days began around 15 (oof 🥲) years ago, finding your acc was such a lovely surprise. i agree with your views a LOT, and really appreciate how eloquent and well-written your posts are! even more so bc there's a lot i still don't know and most of the time the source material is very hard to reach and/or understand due to the language barrier, so having other turtles to rely on to access those, even if filtered by their own biases/opinions, is wonderful. besides, such input coming from a new fan is also comforting and imo refreshing, juxtaposed with that of older fans... it keeps the fandom alive and all that jazz. it's also very brave given how ruthless some folks can be on the internet, and on this corner in particular 😮‍💨 it just felt like reading my own thoughts written by someone else sometimes. i gasped and nodded at your posts soooo many times djskdjdj thank you for that!

(btw you followed me back the other day and i legit fangirled irl bc ??? whatttttt 😅 i still think it was an accident but okay omg djskdjdj AHEM. sorry)

then today i logged in and read your recent posts feeling squeamish about sharing more thoughts and as much as i 100% relate to you saying that kind of attention makes you anxious, i just... idk, i had to let you know i enjoy everything you post, even though adult life has kept me from being able to read it all so far. i understand you stepping back and i respect that decision, i'm not by any means asking you to go against what you know is best for you. at the same time, i can't help but hope you'll still show up every now and then bc your posts will be missed 🥲 i guess the whole motivation behind this is that it just made me sad to think your valuable insights will be something i'm yet again late to, if that makes sense?

djskdjdj again, i'm so sorry for being awkward and weird and dropping all of this on your inbox unprovoked. you don't have to reply (or read this AT ALL omg 😭😭), in fact i'm so embarrassed by this that you'd probably have to reach me through inquiry lmaooo 💀 anyway, have a great life, thank you so much for the great job, bjyxszd etc ❤️💚💛

Oh, don't be anxious! I'm really not a big deal.

Thank you for dropping into my inbox! I love hearing from other turtles, especially relative newbies, like myself! One of my fav parts of coming out of lurking mode is getting to talk to other people. I kinda follow back anybody who follows me, cause it seems polite? I don't know tumblr etiquette. I just follow the tags when I get the chance.

I appreciate the encouragement! I try to avoid dramatics, so I'm sorry for the upset last week. The situation is largely resolved, and I am feeling more okay. I kinda backed off because I wasn't sure of my footing here in fandom as compared to others, especially as I do think I have some takes that fall outside fandom consensus. Again, I don't mean to rock any boats and I'm not invested in convincing anybody that they should have the same opinions as I do. Hearing from turtles who do want me to continue posting gave me some more confidence there.

So, yeah, I expect I'll post some more as I have time. I'd like to post more on dd (cause he's my fav). I'd also like to try to figure out gg cause that dude is so confusing to me. I do have RL stuff going on, and I don't have the time to be super-active outside of occasional posts. But I'd like keep posting stuff. At least until I get all my Yizhan thoughts out.

[vroom-vroom1]

F1-75 live comments bc I’m feeling yappy now that we’re almost back to F1 again. (Very long sorryyyy but not really. also if it gets weird, I am slightly tipsy)

Wanted to have beef so bad with Jack Whitehall for that time that he called Seb boring and unfunny, but that intro roast was great my god. (Apparently he confused him with Kimi? Idk.)

Immediately poking fun at Max for not wanting to be there, then bringing up the George-Max beef. “Have you two kissed and made up yet?” Toxic Russtappen beef this season is a need, not a want.

“Pray for Toto, it’s the worst thing that could happen, your partner of ten years running off with an Italian stallion. Toto, I hope you switched your eyes to wets.” Incredible.

Omg Jenson Brawn clips

Omg “The Formidable” Sebastian Vettel clip

Why tf does Mattia Binotto get to walk out on stage to Vivaldi’s Summer, keep that gorgeous song away from him wtf. Idk the Stake car looks nice, very cool gradient with the green.

This is kinda hilarious ngl, obscenely corny.

Thank you Jack Whitehall for using the term “rawdog,” truly. Beautiful stuff happening tonight. I hope MBS hated that.

Poor Charles cannot catch a break from being flirted with by Whitehall (completely unrelated to the use of the word rawdog, I swear).

Williams looks more blue than usual perhaps. 👍 It’s nice though!

Gradients are in this season I guess. Maybe they were before. Who knows. The cars (ideally) go too fast for me to see.

A whole segment poking fun at VCARB’s name is amazing airtime. I feel like that sounds sarcastic, but it’s not, I swear. They better add green to the car.

The audience sounds a little dead. Very dead. Idk if it’s an audio issue or if the audience is being kind of lame.

OOOO I looooove VCARB’s livery holy shit??? Gorgeousssss beautiful amazing.

There’s not much green but idc it doesn’t need it, it’s gorgeous.

Got jumpscared by Helmut Marko lurking the background of the audience jeez.

Why are we singing about pickup trucks? Pee/alcohol refill break.

Haas Haas Haas yippeee (weird time to hit the ‘yeehaw American team shaking up the establishment 😎🤠’ angle, ngl 😓)

I’m realizing I don’t remember any of last year’s liveries. Something is new about the Haas that I like though. Insightful of me, I know!!

(From post-event me after checking: the silver looks really good, I like that it’s more silver this year!)

Esteban and Ollie look nice in the black overalls! Esteban immediately starting by thanking the crowd, I love him 🥹

I’m really excited to watch Haas hopefully continue to improve this season.

Esteban skipping off the stage, you are so dear to me.

Why is Fernando Alonso glaring at me behind Jack Whitehall?

Tax evasion mention lfggggg

Alpine DJ set is a thing that is happening I suppose. And the cut to Flavio Briatore watching the DJ with his mouth hanging open lol.

Nasty work to highlight Brazil 2024 after how they treated Esteban ngl.

Car looks nice idk I’m mad at Flavio Briatore again. Ok it looks really nice idk. That glossy blue wow. With the pink BWT text, looks good. Like it a lot! Don’t like Flavio Briatore at all!

OMG Chloe and Dorianne and Tina and Alba eeee!!!

SUSIE WOLFF MY WIFE

EVERYONE AUDIBLY BOOING WHEN THEY MENTIONED THE FIA whoaaaa. Based.

Aston’s James Bond theme is either entirely corny or a slay and I can’t figure out which, but I’m enjoying it.

Aston’s slaying their intro ngl, this is amazing. Tems and the violins are gorgeoussss. The car doesn’t look shockingly different, but that green is always 😍😍😍

Oh no, F1 movie promo time 🙄

Mercedes with the “Every dream needs a team” again, was that not Lewis’s farewell slogan? Weird.

Apparently they botched their mock pit stop, I was on my phone 😭 Gotta go back later and watch again lol.

Oh the glimmers of silver on the Mercedes air box and nose looks pretty. It looks really nice!

Kimi, my son (aka I found out a few hours ago that he was a Vettel fan growing up)

Omg asking Gordon Ramsey about the swearing ban with Stefano Domenicalli looking on suspiciously in the back. HE’S IN SUPPORT OF CURSING LFGGGG

OMG he said “if the shit hits the fan” into the mic before it got yanked away, what a king.

I hope MBS is sulking somewhere.

I’ve had too much alcohol for spelling Domenicalli to be easy.

Redbull time lfg. (they have to be purple I can’t do more blue, Tumblr needs to let us have more colors)

Is Christian Horner getting booed??? Deserved.

I too would drive unsafely to chase down the Redbull Racing truck.

The car looks the same wow! Shocking! Redbull can’t go wrong with the classic look though ngl I’d be horrified if they changed it.

I can’t help but wonder if the curse of Redbull four-time world champion immediately turned father will hit and end the era of Max dominance.

People booing Max is kinda…….. idk. :/

They flipped straight to Ferrari damn, no comments from Max or Liam. I wonder if that was planned or if they took too much time in the schedule? Or wanted to skip away from the booing?

FRATELLI D’ITALIA ITALIA SE DESTA

I hope it’s that dark red please be that dark red the dark red is soooo sexy

They’re really edging us with this lead up

Every day I fight to not become a tifosa, every day I feel the siren’s song calling stronger and stronger

I did just finish memorizing the snippet they play on the podium of the Italian anthem but like in a suuuuper casual way. Knee deep in the passenger’s seat and whatnot.

IT’S THE DARK SEXY RED LETS FUCKING GOOOOO I actually shrieked in excitement

Omg and the white accent stripe?! I think I kind of like it, but not fully decided. Regardless, the dark red makes me love it.

LEWIS IN RED LEWIS IN RED

I don’t even care that HP is an eyesore, Ferrari you are so beautiful to me

Charles saying he thinks he’ll fulfill his dream to become a WDC??? SAY LESS LFG

The red dream 🥹🥹

The audience is very audible now that they’re all cheering for Lewis.

Lewis sounds emotional 🥹

I think I’m losing the battle of not being a tifosa.

Mclaren time :/

Make it red and chrome again pls

Wait I forgot who Mclaren’s engine supplier is now, is it still Mercedes? Could easily go back to chrome if so, just call up Vodafone again and then boom bam done.

Ohhhhhh they have some of their old cars on stage. Very very cool.

I think I would like Mclaren a lot more if they let Andrea Stella actually act like a team principal and hid Zak Brown in some corner ngl. Sorry the alcohol is speaking through me like a demon.

“We wanted to stay consistent with last year’s livery” aww boooo

Okay so no change other than some blue under the Dell and “DP world” (whatever that is 👀 freaky ass sponsor) logo

Suits exactly the same, cars exactly the same, all while they have Fittipaldi, Senna, Hakkinen, and Hamilton’s old Mclaren cars on stage? 🥲 Aww

Why did Whitehall say dankeschön like that dancwushun uh ok

Overall livery winner for me: VCARB, 100%. Ferrari is a very close second with that new dark red color bc wowww, but VCARB looks so good. And they made a pretty dramatic change from last year’s livery and really pulled it off.

Also Jack Whitehall, you have almost redeemed yourself to me, that was great.

I forgot to make overnight oats before the event, but my roommate is asleep 😔 Devastating.

[chimivx]

ok just reread nmwid with allll that context of cruel summer and i am heart broken even more than when i first read it JSAJJKSAJKA soobin is so perfect <3333 i am losing my mind AAAAAAAAAAAAAA

the whole argument with tae when she first arrives at the house all makes sense now. and she finally admits to him that she wished he just communicated with her instead of keeping secrets, which is all i was thinking when reading cruel summer lol. he never told her anything and i guess it was because he didnt wanna hurt her but in the end it hurt her even more, and himself too because there was just so much unspoken words between them. idk if them talking it out at night even did justice to what was left unsaid in the past, bc taehyun did hold back but jksajksakjsa idk idk idk!!!!

and i think if taehyun had just told beomgyu what he told her - that he wanted them to end up together bc they loved each other and realistically tae couldnt be with her, maybe they would have worked out. but idk , maybe something that happened when she was on break with soobin is why they never happened.

now i really wanna know what made gyu go no contact with her haha. i'm guessing it was another selfless act for her benefit just like how tae broke up with her and got with sana lol. theyre so messed up, but like it couldnt have gone any other way bc of how messed up their relationship was AAAAA. theres so much morally gray that i cant even say whats wrong or right. life just works out the way it does :(

but reading back with all the context, its nice to know she finally acknowledged her yearning is useless and that what she has right now with soobin and the 4 kids is good and that she doesnt need to go back to the what was in the past again. also the ending of nmwid still confuses me ajsjksajksa like i feel like the twins are beomgyu's, she even admits that, but why does joy think theyre taehyuns? if she knew about the 2 of them, she must have also known that beomgyu was involved too.....

anyways! lots of thoughts going on in my head haha. i am so glad you will be writing more for this universe, i love it so much <3

AHHHHH!!! You're so brave for doing that bestie omfg :''''')

Taehyun has and always will be HORRIBLE at conveying his true feelings. The man can never speak how he's truly feeling, or confront any of it. He'll try, and as an adult he begins to explore what that's like, but it's near impossible for him!

Reading NMWID is a rollercoaster even more so after Cruel Summer... You are BRAAAVE! <3

The morally grey, ugh, you're so right. It's like on one hand half of it is complete shit... but then WHY DOES IT MAKE SENSE! Ugh!!

Thank you for this, and thank you for reading!! <3

(imagine if taehyun did speak up and told mc & beomgyu what he thought should happen... sheeeeeesh....)

[spurgie-cousin]

Hi Spurgie,

I was wondering if you know something about this: I follow SO many fundie blogs, but none of them show up in my dashboard anymore. Does Tumblr use some kind of algorithm like Facebook where I have to like posts to see the blogs on my timeline? Or did the blogs really just stop posting and dropped off the face of the earth? I’m confused 🫤 and I would really love some more fundie content like yours in my dashboard again. Oh, btw: I turned on the posting notifications for some blogs, but I’d just like to scroll through the posts on my dashboard without needing to access the notifications.

Am I making any sense here? Is this a common Tumblr problem or am I the only one having this issue?

Thank you so much in advance for reading my question.

That has been a problem for me since I made this blog tbh, I've messed with my dashboard settings, I've tried to engage with posts from blogs I like when I see them, and still I can't really get much fundie content on my dashboard, even back when it was busier around here 🫤

I'll get stuff in my "for you" recommendations sometimes, but for the most part I've just gotten in the habit of going to a few blogs I like every once and a while and just going through their new posts that way. Which is not ideal bc my memory only stores like, 3 to 4 urls at a time lol.

So idk tumblr just has a grudge I guess it I've just been missing something. If you follow a lot of different blogs that could be it too, but truly dunno.

[visionthefox]

I love Earth’s new design it’s more fitting though I would’ve loved to have her be plus size that’s the only think I’m going to miss, why do they have to always be skinny? >:c

BM is working with this tails doll named Rodrick or something but it feels the same BM meets someone new and they get used like a tool, Solar (aka Nice Eclipse) helped him get upgrades but I don’t know what episode did I miss that eventually now he is in hated territory by BM, bc that’s the perception I have currently with newer episodes.

I wish there could be a redemption arc but the person I wanted to help BM get better was killed off, I feel like they didn’t know where to go with KC so they just said you know what let’s get rid of it, but I truly feel they had a lot of things that could happen with KC.

Just like when his killing thing came back idk how he managed to suppress it i’m guessing power of friendship and all so now I think they are going to take that route with Ruin bc yes the virus got eliminated and whatever but for him to keep humming “You’ll be back” from Hamilton is sus.

Anyways love talking to you <3

HIII NEW ASKKK!! yea! I think I mentioned it once- but it bother me how she is clearly a big woman! (yea model is messy but! still!) and it made me look at bit confused how the fans draw her skinny! like- even I as an old hater of her respected her curves! :V they missed a chance to make her plus size- shame.. I mad dislike the character- but the fan art was ok- if only they draw her plus sizee aaa also- ye- I know of Tails doll- bothers me that they use an actually cool character like this.. like. cant they just made up a villain? leave my cool creepy TD alone! :C (I cry in Sonic fan!) Also- I am of the idea that KC was better as a "another side of moon" and when he was given a new life- I lost interest- becase he NEVER deserved such chance- he made Moon life miserable for YEARS- then was the FIRST one to use BM- eventually left them - only when they show up- be an ass to what is- in theory- his mini him.. how can KC be of any help? KC was a poorly used character.. also- yea- how the hell does he suddently controled the only reason to be alive? he is a Kill Code- not Rapper Code! or Cook Code! bruh had it easy while Moon had it worse! also..Ruin-- I hoped to maybe see his eps? but also-- ngh.. I cant have the same route I took with Eclipse.. seeying someone so great eat dust- be a walking joke- then be killed in such way.. I cant do that again aaaaaa - cry in spanish- but ah- I love to chat with ya too <3 I love getting these messeges! <3 Hope I wasnt mean! I just love to complain of something I dont even see anymore- feel free to make fun of me haha

[red-dye40]

it’s my fic’s birthday n i just want to take a mome to reflect on this past year of writing my cringe jthm fic because no joke it has been one of the most therapeutic and rewarding things ive ever done for myself so im gonna spill my guts under the cut here in case ur into that sorta thing

no joke i started writing ancillary auxiliary (obvs under a different much dumber name) when i was THIRTEEN. i was perpetually very very scared of and confused by my psychosis—i saw and heard things constantly that no one else did, and no one could explain that to me, which was obviously very isolating and frustrating. jthm made me feel rly normal (like not alone??) and this fic was a way for me to explore and dissect all these things i was processing and experiencing and repressing. i abandoned it like right away because i was a young teen with undiagnosed adhd but im sure it’s still kickin around on deviantart somewhere.

i have struggled w a lot through my years—addiction n subsequent withdrawal, hallucinating nonstop, uhhhh Being Trans In Society, willingly choosing to be an actor bc i am literally insane—and i felt like my brain was only getting sicker, because i never prioritized my health! none of it! but especially not my mental health!

in the isolation of quarantine a couple years ago i had like sooooooo many psychotic episodes, and eventually i admitted myself to a psych ward bc i was so scared and i just wanted to get better finally!

and i did get better! eventually!

it took a lot of hard work, and i was in outpatient for what felt like forever, and i was going to therapy twice a week and trying a bunch of meds and also just experimenting w hormones bc why not. i stopped making art (which truly truly was sometimes the only thing in my life that brought me joy) because the shit i was making was so scary, i just didn’t want to subject myself to that.

eventually i got myself a really amazing job, literally a dream job of mine, and things fell into place, and my job was my whole personality for a while. idk when it happened but sometime last summer i suddenly felt myself really wanting to read jthm again ?? i guess as i was reflecting on all my trauma, and how i used to cope w it as a kid?? but i reread director’s cut and it truly felt like someone unclogged a drain in my head and all this new inspiration and like LOVE for my past self and xir interests just rushed in and it was so exciting!!!!

and i remembered this fic i had started so long ago, and how proud i was of the concept, and i started writing it in my notes app and it got bigger and bigger and i found a little corner on instagram of ppl who liked it (thank u to those of u who are still here rn!!!!! if ur reading this ilysm) and now it’s this! and i love it!

it might just be super self indulgent at the end of the day idk but! i love everything that has come from this fic (and Other Fics i have written 👁️) and i am so grateful to all of u who have read ancaux and enjoyed it and reblogged and left comments like :) thank u so much

there are three (maybe four?) chapters left i literally didn’t anticipate this to go on for so long and i have no idea when it will end but im excited :) and i hope you’ll stick around :) the ending is rly good i think

LOVE U ALL THANKS

[corny-ass-shit]

i feel dead, unalive.

i lost my sense of self a while ago and it only gets worse from there. i never recognize what kind of person i am, who i am to people, i dont even recognize my own likes and dislikes. like, thats not me? i dont know who this person is but i dont know anything about them. thats not me.

that could totally by dysphoria idk tbh but it could also be an identity crisis or sum shit

i dont have anyone desire to be happy anymore, to feel better. i dont have the energy to keep going and act as if im finally feeling better yet i do it every day. every day i over exert myself just by getting through a basic highschooler day and i want to die, i cry or i try not to cry at the end of each day because i truly have no motivation or will for this anymore yet i keep doing it. why? because i want the people i love to keep loving me, i guess. i dont want them to lose interest because if they see im dead then whats the point in dating me or being friends with me. im basically rotten at that point

lowk just wanna be good enough in at least one aspect of my life but thats pretty unachievable right? since ive been trying for fucking years and i dont matter. school doesnt notice a fucking honor roll student with 90’s go down to a 47 in the matter of a single semester. even when i was honor roll, never good enough. not principals list, not above a 95, never good enough for good ol’ dad i guess. family doesnt notice that i dont care about christmas or my birthday anymore, whats the point of caring if no family is here to celebrate with us? if we’re all alone. friends say they care and wanna help but when i reach out its just confusion and disregard for basic emotions. why should i deserve their friendship when im only either annoying them or ignoring them. i isolate myself out of the blue, im not good enough. not good enough to make boyfriend feel like he matters. im sorry boyfriend, i really wanted to be good. i said i tried and that wasnt a lie, but the lie was in the promise i made to be good eventually. sorry i lied again. i didnt do it on purpose this time. i couldn’t even fulfill the promise i made to my chem teacher to get my work in and my grades up. if i cant even handle an si class then i might as well be doomed for everything else.

i sound like such a damn brat but idgaf when i can barely wake up in the morning and not regret waking up. although i am sorry for making myself seem better than you, if i did, cuz if so its just bc im an asshole with no consideration for others 😝

[lastoneout]

Ngl I think I am truly about to hit my fucking limit and idk what to do about it anymore.

Ever since my nerve block wore off my migraines have been worse than they've ever been before in my entire life, like I'm literally having one every single day, and I now have severe neck pain on top of it which is also constant, and legit none of my doctors give a single solitary shit.

I tried to bring this up with my pain clinic and the guy just said it was good that the nerve block helped for a month or so, and that my current issues were just muscle pain and I need to go to PT about it, and I can't get in with a new pain clinic bcs my primary never gave me the referral she said she would and no matter how many times I call the clinic and leave messages about it no one ever calls me back.

My neurologist just seems confused that I'm still having migraines despite being on like 6 medications that are supposed to help manage them and she says it in a way that really makes me feel like she thinks it's somehow my fault, and when I brought up the neck pain she just told me to take ibuprofen even though I've told her repeatedly that it doesn't help, and she also said I should do the nerve block again even though it put me in the ER and made everything worse in the long run. Plus I'm pretty sure she'd just prescribe another steroid taper pack and once again ignore me when I say I'm really sensitive to them and they make me feel like shit and the last one didn't help.

I can't take my rescue meds more than 4 times in 30 days and I've already taken it more than that bcs I was desperate. The steroid taper pack helped for like a week before everything came back just as bad as before. I can't take my fioricet because it messes with my birth control and I had sex less than 5 days ago. I can't take the oxycodone they gave me in the ER bcs it makes my migraines "bounce back" worse once it wears off. Ibuprofen still isn't helping.

Do I call my neurologist? Idk what she's going to do, she doesn't seem to give a shit, and there's a solid chance the on call doctor just refuses to speak to me, and my referral to a new neurologist just got turned down bcs apparently the new clinic "doesn't have anyone who can see me for my problems". My pain clinic also doesn't give a shit and frankly I don't even want to be a patient there anymore since the doctor has just made everything worse. Do I go to the ER? I've been there dozens of times over the last couple of months and they can usually make the pain ago away for a day before I'm right back where I started, and they usually just give me fioricet which again, I do not want to risk pregnancy. Urgent care? They can't do anything to help either.

I'm in pain all the time and nothing is helping and none of my doctors care and I just want everything to fucking stop. I feel so abandoned. Like I'm worthless or broken bcs why else would I be treated this way? Why else would all of my doctors ignore me or reject me or regard me with contempt. Being nice doesn't work. Being confident and blunt makes them angry and thus less likely to help me. Breaking down sobbing in their office doesn't do shit.

I'm so fucking done. I just want this to stop. I'm so tired of being strong and fighting and getting nowhere. Fighting is just making it worse. No one who can help cares. I just want to lay down in my bed and wither away, I guess I deserve it for having the audacity to want better. I can't take this anymore, I really can't. But I don't have options. I just get to suffer.

Like the only way I know to make it clear to people that I'm basically at rock bottom is to admit that I've reached the point where I no longer want to be alive and I absolutely know that saying that to a doctor will lead to more problems than solutions. And like, I'm not going to hurt myself, but I've def hit the "life is not worth living" stage and a migraine has to be pretty fucking bad for me to get there.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

[mewhenimwantedforpiracy]

yeah, they changed the search algorithm some time ago, lol because I know damn good and well I didn't tag this under radfem weirdly enough... and if I did its probs bc I made that post while I was under the tag mentally self harming lol

idk its wild asf tbh, I've always known I don't belong in this world let alone this body since I was a small child, I remember dissociating when I look in the mirror just overall being confused as to why I was here tbh, I would wish someone would just replace me at night xD

idk, Its hard for me to know who I truly even am, so its hard for me to really understand stuff like that I guess :b

I feel like I've gotten over a lot of stuff but there are still many hurdles I haven't gotten over, idk I already feel like I'm too old to have to be dealing with this and im only 18

and idk, I highly doubt anybody has been through what I have, especially considering I've spent hours online desperate to find anybody like me who was groomed into what I was xD but aw well, I appreciate the kind sentiment regardless ❤

I'm worthless as a woman I wish I'd just get raped or something so I could be useful ig doing sex work right now is helping with that, trans women have penisws and therefore hold more value than me so dbehsb

[dovahqueene]

ok ok ok those who have finished the first 10 chapters of Nightbringer……. Who do we think is Nightbringer???????? My own random guesses under the cut because spoilers for chapter 10 of Nightbringer (EDIT: also I just added lesson 10A spoiler screenshots so spoilers of course)

so the “one sided” convo featuring Solomon in ch 10… again spoilers… implies Nightbringer isn’t a demon (EDIT: kind of. Tbh I’m not sure anymore and am leaning demon aka barb, but I’m leaving what I originally said here anyway. See screenshots below for spoilers). But the intro vid/teaser implies that they are a demon. Hence the confusion. I mean… we know angels can become demons and humans, but can the reverse be true? I don’t know. Have we been told at any point that the reverse is possible? To have a deal of some kind with Solomon though… I’d assume at the very least they are not human although that doesn’t necessarily mean they were never human. Ok now I’m just getting into the weeds with this. I also didn’t reread anything so this is straight up me rambling right after reading that lesson and being confused as fuck.

1. Barbatos from another timeline?? The intro makes you think it’s barbatos in some form, at the very least.

2. God??? Lol if we’re truly following the story of the actual king Solomon… but I don’t know if they’d really go there. But it would make the most sense in a way LOL though the pseudonym “nightbringer” seems wrong for this guess

3. Michael because idk he exists and I don’t know enough about him to decide either way

4. Lilith but that feels conspiratorial to say

5. Diavolo’s dad because why are they bringing him up this much… but again this doesn’t totally fit with what we’ve been told about this “demon” so it would need some explaining

6. Someone else completely who we haven’t met or maybe who was mentioned a few times in passing idk

I’m so curious 😭😭😭😭😭 like who tf 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 help

EDIT: ok I reread and y’all I’m 😭😭⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️ big ol HUGE lesson 10a spoilers below

WHAT???? like Solomon… are you saying my man’s a demon or not a demon like please

“You sound just like a demon” @ nightbringer but then “you think I’m behaving like a demon… but that’s to be expected Bc you made me who I am today” 😭😭😭 Solomon pls explain thank you. Now I think it’s more likely nightbringer IS a demon rather than not but that “you sound just like a demon” line really had my wheels spinning like is Solomon being cheeky or 😭 why would he say that to someone he knows is a demon? Is he just saying “of course you would say that” or is he implying nightbringer isn’t a demon? I’m too deep in the semantics probably. It does seem like nightbringer has to be a demon though…. Right? Like it’s more likely Solomon is saying “you would say that” by saying “you sound just like a demon”? Dude I’m harping on this way too much I gotta stop LMAO it’s probably just barb or diavolo’s dad maybe I think I’m going too deep on this

sorry this post got so unhinged 😭 I lost the thread but at least the screenshots are worth looking at I think

[coop-of-coffee]

The Great s2 spoilers (?)

Okay, I just wanna share my thoughts on something, and that something being: ace Orlo.

So, throughout s1 there was the ongoing joke (if you can call it that ig) of Orlo being "a virgin" and some teasing about him not being into women, etc. Since then, I was very 🕵🏻 about all that, making me think that he was either asexual, gay or both.

On the first episodes of s2, Orlo's uninterest in sex was made clearer. And that's when we get to ep 3: Orlo lets Velementov know he got laid the previous night, clarifies it was with a woman and it was his third time having sex.

Later, we see him passionately making out with a guy, which ends up in them having sex, and we know it was his first time with a man bc he was "experimenting", as he put it. Then is where something particularly interesting comes up: he says it felt more or less the same way than when he had sex with a woman, which, to summarize in a word, basically says it was "meh". Plus, he added he'd rather be reading a book.

Having sex with that man didn't make him have the feelings he was supposed to have regarding sex, it didn't get him there and it's obvious he was trying to (hence the "experiment", which, given his other times with women, he was also experimenting, hoping to feel what was expected of him to feel). That scene, at least for me, was the confirmation that he is asexual.

In episodes 4 and 5, we see Orlo clumsily flirt with Katya, the teacher. And in the following ones, it is clear they started a relationship, which is, to an extent, also sexual. I was kinda expecting the writers to do something like that, because hoping that they would truly look into Orlo's asexuality was, sadly and all things considered, unrealistic.

(not that being ace = not having sex, but in a "he found someone, so he'll now have sex and that's how far exploring this will go" way)

However, I must admit the sex scene Orlo and Katya share in ep 6 kinda reinforces that he's asexual/in the ace spectrum. While he does seem to be enjoying it, it doesn't necessarily mean that he was sexually attracted to Katya (or maybe he was? I feel like that was unclear and it made me doubt a little, but only as to say "maybe he's demisexual"), and it was more of a combination of having her read a book to him, listening to the author's words and an obvious sexual stimuation.

Now, before his relationship with Katya began, I considered him either gayace or aroace, giving s1 and early s2 stuff. When he was kissing that guy in 2x03, he seemed to be way more at ease than in pretty much any other scene where a woman looked suggestively at him, where he'd look away or was visibly uncomfortable. I now think he is biace solely because he did seem to like Katya, but I'd be happy to be proven otherwise, bc I feel there's much more material to back up gayace or aroace Orlo, despite being biace myself.

In ep 9, where he calls things off between them after Catherine finds out about the money, their goodbye isn't sexual. Granted, it wouldn't have to be, but given the rest of the characters and the show itself, you might guess why I point this out lmao.

In conclusion: Orlo is definitely aspec. There's canon material, which includes dialogues, as evidence. While I'm not angry or upset about how things were handled regarding this part of Orlo, I am disappointed because, imo, it had so much potential. I would have loved to see this explored, to have some scene with Katya luring him into her room and him being hesitant or not thrilled about where that was heading. I would have loved to see a scene like the one he had with the man, but with Katya, where he'd actually talk afterwards about how he feels about sex (i.e. neutral/uninterested/nothing). It had potential to be played with, and come up with something funny like, idk, Velementov walks into them and hears them giggle and they're under the sheets or smth but they're just reading and Velementov is confused and leaves but Orlo covers himself either way even tho they were fully clothed. The show already has a lot of sex, so I do feel that not going deeper into Orlo's asexuality was a wasted opportunity.

[rayshippouuchiha]

i gotta be honest, i debated for over a week whether i should say something or not. i'd like to apologize in advance, if what i say here hurts anyone or is wrong, feel free to tell me so and i'll fuck right off. (cw: talk of rasism. i think? maybe? i'm not even sure how to properly warn for this)

i'd like to think i try my best with understanding other people problems, such as poc facing racism. i don't understand it bc i don't experience it, so i do my research and listen to those who do have this as part of their reality and learn what i can from them. but last week i stumbled upon a bit of a wall which left me confused and angry with myself.

it's about the star wars fandom, mainly the mandalorian and tbobf fans. idk how into either of those shows you are, so here are some sparknotes:

- the first four episodes of tbobf came out and they were... eh. not great

- the fifth episode came out, it was great except for the fact that pedro pascal seemed to have hijacked the show. ok, one episode for the exposition, no one loves that the best episode so far happened without the main character in it. i get it, i felt the same way, this is about boba, not din but we'll live.

- the sixth episode came out, still following din, not boba. not cool, nobody likes that myself included. especially since the 5th and 6th episodes were the best ones in the season and you can tell. i hated that, actually. i wanted boba and got the mandalorian season 2.5

but then! poc fans started to shit on pedro pascal for being a white man who hijacked a second show for himself and took away a chance for representation from maori people.

ok, the only thing confusing me here is the fact that the people who say that about pascal now, were the same people who cheered for him being the first poc lead in the star wars franchise when the mando series first came out in 2019.

how is it, that in 2019 he was a poc and now he's white? there are valid things to criticise about episodes 5 and 6, why the sudden need to reach for the racebending? is he a latino man or a white man? what made everyone change their minds about him, besides the airing of those episodes? i want to understand, i truly do, but i can't do that if people change their minds without explaining at least a little.

so, i guess what i'm trying to say is: please explain or if not, pick one and stick with it?

i know how this all sounds, and once again i apologize but i honestly don't know what to do anymore. i want to learn but i don't know what this lesson is trying to teach.

thank you for your time and i'm sorry for being the shit stirer (or, if you decide to fuck it and delete this ask i'm sorry for spoiling your mood)

You seem like you're coming from a legit place of confusion and frustration without any real malice so I'm going to post this and open the conversation for anyone who wants to take it up in the replies/reblogs (not my inbox) as I am 1.) white and 2.) also uninformed on this specific situation.

Let's make an attempt to keep it civil, please.

[suchsaccharine]

330am and have no intention of trying to sleep at this point. I just need to keep this in the for front of my mind today while I’m working.

Keep in mind that once I leave for work, redo-sing is not an option.

My hs reunion is this weekend.

Gonna want to be rested for that.

For sure.

Actually in the past month (sober) I’ve made much much much more progress in my wl mission than in months prior. Sleeping is where it’s at.

But I had a moment of weakness and I gave in, and now I’ve got to see my decision through to the end.

The end.

-

I want to cut out random drvg sessions. Like randomly ordering ket, c0ke, speed, mdm@ once every other month. Like where would I be if I didn’t…where could I be if I don’t stay right where I’m at? I have a strong argument for the opposite side, but I do consider this.

I think I’m going to try it.

Cut out everything but my dabs and herb.

Might avoid the tempting redbull substitution this time bc that felt great at first, and then it didn’t.

I lay next to my baby while they sleep and I wish I could enjoy watching them sleep peacefully for so much longer. The sun will rise soon.. another day of being flooded with internal declarations of parental shortcomings and failures. I’ve not felt so genuinely ready to not be here since I had convinced myself I had contracted an incurable sti for like a full 6 months in the first half of 11th grade. But this time it’s not cause of inevitable aloneness, or even disliking raising my child, but that I can see almost nothing but mistakes every single day and I’m starting to believe and accept that I’m kind of not the greatest and that he may be happier in the short+long term if I just..went. I know that probably sounds crazy. And I don’t feel like a bad person or a mean person… but I feel like I could be doing better. And I am trying. Like everyday I consciously attempt to be better than the day before, or at least be very self aware of what I’m projecting.. and I still just feel like I’m failing this kid. I see them laugh and smile and joke and goof off but in my mind …. It’s like I’m so worried ab what could be having a last or traumatizing effect on them, that I truly cannot steer my thoughts in another direction. All day. And all night.

I remember feeling this genre of anxiety for the first time - the first night we were home from the hospital. I don’t think I slept at all. Between feedings I was just in shock. And that was over 8 yrs ago.

See, I wasn’t supposed to have them when I did. It was just a check up and their dad just left me 2 weeks prior and I was only 19 and it was over a month before the actual due date. When they put that baby in my chest, I never felt more lost and confused and helpless in my entire life. I felt bad that I wasn’t having that magical moment that you hear about. But I suspected, during my pregnancy, that I might not. Looking back I can see that I had detached myself from my surroundings and my self because my life had become very actively traumatic. It took me years to figure out that’s why I have and haven’t done a lot of the things I did…and didn’t. Maybe within the last 3 yrs I’ve really been trying to come to terms with everything in the past so I can be better from my child today, and tomorrow. But anyway…

Idk why I typed all that out as if I haven’t written about this in other journals. I guess it’s not the backstory I’m fixated on rn, it’s the current climate. I just can’t tell if they’re happy or not. They told me last night about a disturbing nightmare they’ve been having for about 3 months, which is almost how long my partner for 4yrs (-1.5) have been back together. My partner cares for tha kid a lot and is a good role model. But I feel he is sometimes too quick to be too stern. It’s disheartening. But, He will ensure my child has every opportunity for a successful future. And I’m deathly afraid I can’t provide that all by myself. What’s the lesser of two evils? And while my partner is stern, my child usually has an overall positive shift in behavior with them around. But sometimes I can just see where they are miscommunicating and honestly I am often a bit more ‘on the side’ of my kid because as I observe them together, I can basically see what my kid meant by what they said, why they phrased it how they did, why they are frustrated that you don’t seem to be on the same page. I see it play out across his expressive features clear as day.

I’m only one tiny person. I wish I had all the answers. I don’t. I just really really hope the decisions I make about him do not make him worse off than he would be otherwise. God I feel like shit for bringing him into my mess of a life.

[yelenasdog]

the pillowtalk of a pessimist (spencer reid x fem reader)

genre: fluff with a millisecond of angst

summary: pillowtalk takes an interesting turn for spencer at the mention of the harsh realities of his work.

words: 1.3k, she’s a shorty.

warnings: nsfw themes (nothing smutty, it’s just implied and also directly stated that they slept together), typical criminal minds violence + death, and maybe cursing? idk. 

a/n: btw this isn’t the fic i was ranting on about that i’m writing, she’s still in the works. also! this could be an x oc or anybody bc i didn’t use y/n if you would prefer to read it as such.

🂦∙🂦∙🂦

A pale stream of moonlight shone through the open window of apartment 23, the home of Doctor Spencer Reid. It illuminated a small section of his bedroom, specifically on one of his many floor to ceiling bookshelves, a beacon of knowledge that was there 24/7 for the taking.

The gold engravings on the spines of his many reads shimmered, a beautiful contrast to the dark mahogany the shelf was made out of.

The room smelled like a mixture of his cologne, her perfume (Chanel no. 5, specifically), and the results of their previous affairs that lingered in the crisp air of the night.

She took a deep breath, settling down further into the white duvet, pulling it over her bosom in response to the chilly temperature. The dark green walls of the room welcomed and calmed her, overwhelming the girl with a wave of serenity that could only be brought to her by him.

He quickly took note of her unsteady breathing and shift in position, immediately jumping to action. He pulled her closer by her shoulders with his strong arms, eliciting a squeal from her and a chuckle from him, more so at her reaction than the move itself.

Her head laid on his bare chest, her hair splayed out with half of it residing on his pillow, the other half on his bicep. She could have appeared to be an angel, although in his eyes, she truly was.

She rested her hand on the left side of his chest over his heart, her fingernail ghosting shapes on his tanned skin. Circles, squiggly lines, even abstract faces.

“How do you do it?”

Her voice was quiet, barely above a whisper. If his hearing wasn’t so acute, he was sure he would have missed it. This would have saddened the genius greatly, as he valued everything she had to say with a burning ferocity, and even one word lost would be a shame.

“What?”

He was confused by the nature of the question, attempting to search every corner of his brilliant brain for what she might have been referencing. Was it an equation? No, she hated math. Perhaps the way he so effortlessly could play any instrument because yet again, math. He decided that couldn’t be the subject at question either, she played better than he did, glorious melodies flowed from her fingertips. So the doctor was truly stumped.

The answer was simpler than he had imagined.

“Your job.”

With those doe eyes he was so fond of, she looked up, meeting his own glance.

If the term “heart eyes” was able to be personified, Spencer would be the guy to personify it whenever his eyes landed on the one in front of him.

“What do you mean? I get up in the morning, drink some coffee, and get to it.”

She giggled, but the sound he loved so much ceased with her pout.

“That’s not what I mean, Spence. How do you go on everyday, seeing body after body,” she trailed off, obviously distraught. Spencer wrapped his large hand tighter around her, placing his chin on her hairline.

“How do you consistently manage to look at these victims, these people, with lives that they never got to finish living-“ A tear slipped down her cheek, she bit her bottom lip, tasting her own salty droplets on her tongue. She sniffled, burying her head further in his neck with what he presumed was shame.

“And not break down when you do.” Her voice was muffled, but the emotions she felt were evident nonetheless.

He took a moment to carefully articulate an appropriate response. The gears in his mind turned ever so diligently, finding a solution to dry her tears.

“It’s not much different than what I initially said. I get up in the morning, drink some coffee.”

He pushed a hair away from her face, admiring her distinct features as he often did. She looked up, moving her left hand to trace his sharp jaw as he sat in thought.

“And I realize that these people that are now dead, are a part of the hundreds, of throusands, of millions of people that die every year. It’s a part of life, what gives it meaning.”

She gave a dry, humourless laugh.

“What, you don’t have a specific statistic for that?”

“Oh, I do, but I don’t think you want to hear it.” He tilted his head, weighing the option of disclosing the information but deciding against it.

“But the bottom line is, they have families. Families that are grieving, and hurting, and needing answers and justice. I cannot do my job and give them the closure they deserve if I’m staying focused on my own emotions and delving deep into who the victims were, rather than how to catch those responsible for hurting them.”

She moved on to her back, stilling managing to keep her eye contact with Spencer.

“But you’re a profiler! That’s what you do! You’re supposed to, what did you call it, ‘delve deep’ into who they are.”

“Pretty girl, are you trying to tell the one with 3 doctorates how to do his job?”

She rolled her eyes, lazily throwing a hand on his neck, right behind his ear. She ran it back and forth, savoring the intimate moment.

“Yeah, yeah. Shut up, Agent.” She taunted, poorly trying (and failing) to agitate Spencer. She had a hunch (that was more true than either of them would let on) that it wasn’t possible for her to do so, and he found himself proving it to be correct.

“I just had to learn to let the family do what they had to do so that I could do the same.”

The girl’s tone softened as she spoke, staring at the popcorn ceiling.

“I guess so. I’m just too empathetic, my heart is too pure.” She joked, a feathery laugh falling past both of their lips.

“Of course. I would expect nothing less.” He teased back, enjoying the dynamic they both held in the tender moment.

“You amaze me.” She muttered, leaning in, analyzing him and his ruffled post-sex hair, his gorgeously long lashes, and his light 5 o’clock shadow that donned his chin.

He huffed quietly, doing the exact same thing, minus the scruff of course.

“I could say the same to you, pretty girl.”

Their lips connected once again, in a different manner than the feverish and needy kiss from before.

This time, it was a union of two individuals, allowing themselves to mould together in a way only the two of them could. It was slower and sweeter, with more feeling poured into their lips while they moved in sync.

“M’ tired.”

“Yeah? You wanna go to sleep, bubs?”

She grinned as she snuggled into his arms, her exhausted eyes fluttering to a close.

“Bubs, huh? That’s new.”

A worried frown made its way onto his face as he rushed to cover up his previous words.

“D-do you not like it? I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable-“

“Spence.”

He stopped, looking over her for any microexpressions, only seeing positive signs. That wasn’t technically profiling, right? He hoped he would be in the clear if she ever was to find out.

“I love it, baby. Say it again.”

“Bubs?”

“Mhm. Say it again.” She sounded with content. He smirked, a proud feeling infiltrating his body, causing him to puff up his chest in the slightest way.

“Goodnight, bubs.”

He reached up, his paranoia forcing him to close the window above him, despite being a more than qualified FBI agent with a revolver safely tucked away in the top drawer of his night stand that never quite was shut all the way.

It was just the pessimist in him.

She wrapped around his figure, intertwining his form with her own.

“Sleep well, Spence.”

He felt happy with her, happier than he had been in a long time. He relished in that, allowing it to lull him to a well needed rest.

But what could he say, she just brought out the optimist in him.

🂦∙🂦∙🂦

hj posting at a time that isn’t 3 am?????? unheard of. also i may or may not have pulled an all nighter to write whatever tf this is bc my ex posted something with his new gf and i felt pathetic LMAO. anyway, i hope your day is fabulous, go drink some water and remember things are what you make of them and it’s all about intent! love you, xx hj.