#and too much suffering that others are experiencing hitting me all at once

[savage-rhi]

💙

[theambitiouswoman]

how do you deal with shame? bc i suffered with severe depression and im just getting my own apartment at 30 years old. i still have no degree, the job i go to in ashamed everyday even though it pays my bills and take care of my kids because i see everyone who i went to high school with graduated and some got their masters. im ashamed of what i been through and ashamed of where im in at my life and im carrying deep deep depression and shame because i feel like im not enough and embarrassed of where im at because i know i could’ve did more with my life.

I really want to answer this because I also remember feeling behind at one point and I definitely remember my friends comparing themselves to me because we didn’t make the same life decisions.

Just want to warn you I’m going to give you some compassion combined with a little tough love.

I’m really, REALLY sorry you’re feeling this way. No matter how different your life looks to others, it’s your life. It’s easy to compare yourself to people who seem to have it all figured out, but their paths aren’t yours. Just because you are seeing someone during the good times in their lives, doesn’t mean it will always be that way or that it won’t be for you when the time is right.

I remember feeling so much judgment because all my friends were married, had serious boyfriends, or kids. Back then, I’d leave our dinners in tears, feeling like a failure. Looking back now, the pressure I felt seems almost comical, but it was painful at the time. For context, I’ve been engaged more than once, yet I wasn’t ready to settle. Now, many of those women are divorced and starting over, often without financial independence, while I’m at a high point in my life and considering settling down on my own terms.

The lesson here is that life isn’t a race or a checklist. It’s not linear, and it doesn’t have to follow a timeline. Some people hit their stride at 20, others at 30, 40, or beyond—and that’s okay. Life is meant to be experienced, not rushed. The lessons we learn along the way shape us. Society’s timelines and standards are just that—standards. You don’t have to follow them to live a fulfilling, meaningful life.

Depression is incredibly hard to deal with, and it’s not something I take lightly. But since you’re committed to working on yourself, it’s so important to remind yourself to keep pushing forward. That said, I think you’re being way too hard on yourself right now. Who wouldn’t feel overwhelmed? But let’s take a step back—you have your own apartment for the first time, which is incredible! You have a job that allows you to provide for your kids, putting food on the table and showing up as a parent who loves them deeply. How lucky are they to have you?

From my perspective, you’re incredibly strong. You’ve faced depression and still found the courage to keep building yourself up. That’s no small feat. Don’t let negative thoughts get in your way—practice reframing them. Instead of focusing on what you feel is lacking, focus on how far you’ve come and the amazing things you’re doing right now. You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for.

You may not like where your life is now, but you have to realize that it is under your control. If you want to change your life now, today, you can. Your life will start to change when you yourself commit to change. And that starts with your thoughts. Work on your perspective. Don’t beat yourself up for what could have happened or didn’t happen because you’re wasting even more time for absolutely nothing. You feel like you’ve wasted years, why would you want to continue wasting any more?

Shame often stems from the story we tell ourselves, so try to shift that narrative. You wouldn’t shame your friends for struggling; you’d remind them of their resilience. Focus on small wins— change your perspective. Start focusing on showing gratitude for the things you do have and what you’ve overcome. Gratitude for everything and anything. Gratitude attracts miracles and abundance. I know this sounds dumb or unrealistic, but it’s true. Besides, it doesn’t hurt to try.

I’m very proud of you and you can do so much more, anything you want if you just had a little bit of faith in yourself. Your worth isn’t defined by what you’ve been through or what you’ve accomplished. It’s defined by the fact that you’re here, trying and pushing forward. That alone makes you more than enough.

[semperama]

trick or treat🧡🧡 (idk if you want specific ish requests or not, but just in case ex husbands maxiel maybe? 👀 nothing spookier than that lol)

Always SO happy to talk about ex husbands maxiel. Here's a (possible, I can't commit this to stone) headcanon for how they end up back together (because of course they end up back together):

--

After Max retires from racing, he starts spending more time at home with his sister and mother and less and less time in Monaco, and he and Daniel see less and less of each other. Daniel had been finding excuses to show up to races, helping out with commentary and stuff, but once Max isn't there, he starts splitting his time between Australia and LA, depending on business obligations. They go from seeing each other frequently to almost never and it's--Daniel feels hollow, like he's been carved out inside, and if something hits him wrong, he'll shatter into a million pieces.

He ends up deeply depressed in ways he can't acknowledge, going through the motions of his own life. Nothing feels right anymore. Food doesn't taste right. The air doesn't feel right on his skin. He still smiles and laughs and sees his friends, but sometimes it's like he's watching his life from a distance, not really experiencing anything anymore.

Then one day he runs into Max in LA, just like he used to before they were even dating, when his heart started beating fast at the sight of him but he wasn't able to acknowledge what that meant. It hurts this time, because even after the divorce, Max always used to tell him when he was going to be in town, but this time he didn't.

(What he doesn't know is that Max has been suffering too. He only retreated into his family for comfort. He's only stayed away from Daniel because the exes-with-benefits thing started to hurt too much. He always, always wanted to ask Daniel to give him another chance, but he was too afraid Daniel would say no.)

Daniel invites Max back to his place and realizes too late how shameful it is--unwashed dishes in the sink, empty cans and bottles scattered around, clothes on the floor of the bedroom (including one of Max's old Red Bull t-shirts, which he sleeps in sometimes, even though it lost Max's smell a long time ago). But Max doesn't comment on any of it, and they fuck on Daniel's rumpled, unwashed sheets, and afterward they hold each other for a long, long time, and Daniel has to keep biting down on his bottom lip to keep from saying something he shouldn't, or shouting, or sobbing.

Max is the brave one who finally says, "I miss you," and Daniel gives in to the impulse to ask Max to stay with him for a while. Max has a flight in a couple days, but he changes it and ends up staying with Daniel for a couple weeks instead, and even though they don't talk about what it all means, Daniel feels like he's coming alive again. His chest hurts constantly--like the pins and needles of the blood rushing back into a limb that was asleep--but that's better than the numbness he had before. They fall back into their old routines, going for runs along the same routes they used to take through the hills, visiting the restaurants they loved, curling up on the couch to watch dumb movies. Daniel ignores texts and calls from friends, because he doesn't want to shatter the illusion.

Then it comes time for Max to leave, and Daniel just--can't. He thinks he might die if he has to watch Max walk out the door again. He literally will lie down on the floor and never get up again. While Max packs his things, Daniel hovers, pacing the bedroom, opening his mouth and then closing it again against words he knows he doesn't have a right to say.

Finally, finally, he lets himself croak, "I don't want you to go." Max turns to him, and his eyes are red, and his hands are balled into fists, and he says, "I will stay, if you tell me to."

They cancel Max's flight. A month later, Max goes with Daniel back to Perth. The ache in Daniel's chest goes away. His smile feels real again.

[zeondraws]

It is 4AM in the morning, I should hit the bed asap. But I needed some time on my own tonight, because I've been supressing feelings way too much the past months. (Thought post about random thoughts, no clue if they make sense it's 5AM when I post this)

I found it really hard to talk to friends about my emotions as of recent. One reason might be, that I still suffer some pain I endured from the old work enviroment.

Somehow I often just want to be left alone, I feel very drained most of the time. But that often leads to a loop effect and I isolate myself further.

Like, at the old workplace I was expected to do something constantly, if I wasn't working on anything for over 3min I'd get scolded or yelled at. Or my coworker would become an adult baby and behave strangely. The other coworkers never saw anything wrong with him, so I was extremely afraid that everyone else had something against me. My old boss would side with him from time to time. The constant demand to stay productive was so draining.

In the end I got replaced, I mean I thankfully found a new job by then. But a new person came in, another inexperienced young person who seemed nice and all. Not sure how she is doing in that place, either she fits right in, or my coworker is making her endure the same pain, or he just overworks himself as he usually does. A person who had my job before I came, became extremely demotivated there and simply left to another workplace.

I try to explain this a bit to highlight some difficulties I am experiencing atm... I don't talk to family about my feelings that much. I tried but, they get easily offended if I vent too much. I have no called my dad back in a while, I already know when I call him back he will only be offended. Or maybe I am spiraling rn. My head makes things appear worse than they actually are.

You guys see how much stuff I have been doing on tumblr the past months or so. I don't remember how long it's been, but... I am still in this mindset of constantly working and staying productive. I rest when I can but I always get the feeling "I have to stay productive" and work on stuff, even when I am sick. In a way it helps to not fall into thoughht spirals, tho then I don't give myself enough space to rest.

I don't know what my end goal with this endless productivity is supposed to be, I want to be helpful in some way and feel like I belong somewhere. But even right now I feel like something is missing... I can't grasp this thought, I don't know what my end goal is. Been messing with fmodel so much to get the game work on this for datamining, I posted a thread on the fmodel server and they said the game is fully working with it. Which suprised me, that I was able to achieve that. Was I the first one to do so? I always thought there is someone better than me already. I often just think I will be some replaceable object, where someone else just takes my place. And this thought... spirals in a way- where I think very less of me. Stuff like I will be forgotten anyways or hmm someone better comes.

My family treated me like an object at times, not letting me decide what to do. Old coworker did the same and I am expected to just agree to everything they say. I tried extremely hard to fight back at the old workplace but I was always met with a wall.

Sometimes I would struggle venting to friends, because when I felt the lowest I get very clingy. I think when I saw Muir in game I noticed some similarity in him in me for example. Even tho I hate to admit that thought, but I have gotten way better at being less clingy. Maybe it's because I grew up a bit more. I definitely ain't the same like 4 years ago. But not to sidetrack too much... sometimes I would vent to friends and they'd bombard me with advice or, maybe some advice felt off for me. One friend once said that we're replaceable (job related) and that didn't sit right with me. Some of this advice would put me off so much that I would stop talking about my feelings with anyone, or just one small friendgroup. But I don't mention a lot there. I think... I think what I can see with myself is, I distance myself so much from everyone, I don't dm people to have a normal chat (I think I get very confused when I hear people dm each other all the time, what do people dm each other for...?I wouldn't know what to talk about), maybe I hang out on servers. I don't want to look at my main phone because suddenly so much makes me nervous again. I want to be alone the entire time and the meds stop some emotions from popping up.

So I have random outbursts where I would cry. and I really need to sit down after sleep and find a new group therapy.. today

I put ridiculous standards on myself sometimes, not wanting to appear weak and appear "professional". But my imagination of being professional is basically be emotionless and work without problems. Tho this doesn't make sense, perhaps I worry too much since I noticed some people really like what I do here. And I don't want to let people down in that regard. but I don't know how.

Earlier I was debating on wether it is strong if I show my weakness or if it's better to hide it. Tho hiding doesn't bring much for me, it's rather bad.

Yknow an earlier post where I mentioned I really like Roper? I get the feeling one of the reasons I find him interesting is, because the way he appears. He doesn't seem to show emotions that much, rather monotone and seems to be a hard working individual. Who sadly needs to do way more because Rennick makes things more difficult. Tho like, even if you see him in Marine Control later... he just suffers in silence. Ain't like Trots who went full bananas, or Muir feeling extremely anxious and all. Or Addair wanting to call his kids and Rennick just flat maniac. Roper just, sits there and tries to avoid saying much. Only thing he says is to keep Rennick away. Maybe the deleted soundfile of the scene says otherwise, but in my view it feels like idk he just ain't somebody who would talk about his feelings. Maybe Roper is some visual imagination of what I think a professional is, but I think he probably has different problems that could be way worse. Suppressing feelings is not good, I still have a lot to work on, on myself.

I am sadly getting too tired to continue this string of thoughts...I always feel very awkward posting my feelings on the web. I wouldn't know where else to thow them.

I will post something silly after sleep. I made some dumb screenshots ingame that literally made me giggle for half an hour ioudhwioeu. Okay, goodnight

[odusseus-xvi]

Pomme's paranoïa

Because aparently I can't stop talking about this little egg. I wanted to touch this subject because it is something CRUCIAL to her character, and from what I've seen Richas, in his letter to Forever, has actually talked about that and how he is worried for her.

I want to talk here about WHERE that paranoïa might come from idea by idea (more in depth than my post about Pomme as a whole) :

Bobby died THE DAY after her arrival, that probably didn't help. That also caused a startle in everyone on the island making everyone a lot more paranoïd that they already were at Pomme's arrival, she then had the realization that life was EXTREMELY dangerous and limited on the island VERY early on, in a way a bit similar to Richas if we think about it, though Richas experienced it and so processed it wildly diferently, she got a dreadful suspense ; when is it coming to me ? To the others ? Because that's the thing, she is not as scared of losing her lives as she is scared of losing the others and the others losing her.

Not long after Dapper lost his first life to the code, that not only added to the already constant background aprehension, but that also made her the LAST egg with two lives, and from now on, everytime people talked about her was about how she was the next target of the code.

And then she WAS : Targeted by the code next to Ninho after everyone was worried of the tweet from Quackity Studios, and after she was saved THREE times from the codes she saw the people she cared about turn against each other because she had been not careful (Her french dads becoming suspicious of Forever, and therefore of Baghera.) (she was in fact "mind controlled" to come outside but from her POV it was still her fault.) From now on SHE CANNO'T let her guard down, this is both too dangerous for her and the people she loves.

A bit later was the attack that was then considered not canon by the admins because the attack was WAY too powerful : It broke a lot of totems at once and broke all of her armor. Though her death was not considered canon by the admins at first, Pomme (and the admin) played it as actually existing, not as a nightmare, not as non existant, but as an actual event she was saved from by someone or something : She talks about it from time to time, she truly died a bit that day.

(a little quote from that event from her diary because it's Heartbreaking)

"The pain was excruciating. It pierced my body, and with each hit, I felt the life leave my body a little more. The noise of the totems was deafening, the pain prevented me from running to escape. Just a few seconds later, I felt intense pain, even more intense than the previous blows. He had just finished me off. I no longer saw anything, I no longer felt anything. The pain had vanished in an instant. It was cold, I was scared. [...] While I was sleeping. something strange happened. As if the missing part of my soul was repairing itself. When I woke up, I no longer had any pain anywhere. But I'm still scared, more scared than ever. I'm terrified. [...] I never want to suffer so much again. I never want anyone to suffer so much again. I have no other choice; I have to get stronger. I'm going to have to live with this fear from now on, so I might as well put it to good use."

She then starts to actually show her paranoïa in a lot of aspects of her personality :

She is INCREDIBLY quick at trading her butterfly wings for her chestplate at any potential danger. She has also shown multiple times and SAID on her sign that her inventory hotbar is the most paranoïd thing ever : Filled with totems, her weapons, regeneration 2 splash potions (that are also very likely refilled with the backpack upgrade knowing her parents)

She, after learning the codes could imperssionate them now, immediatly figured out a code to make sure she was truly herself.

The day after ElQuackity was exploded by BBH and Max and that he threatened them, Pomme asked Baghera to build another safe room 200k away from spawn as she was not feeling safe in Ninho anymore.

One other interesting thing : She is not just the only egg with two lives, she is the egg that survived the LONGEST with two lives. And two things comes out of that : The fear of losing her first life because it would cause suffering to her AND her loved ones, but ironically also that SHE would be the one that could sacrifice a life to one of her siblings, she would feel terrible if one of her siblings died instead of her "simply" losing a life and she did nothing because she was scared.

A fun (not fun) little fact is that recently this paranoïa for the other's safety has started to transform into anger : She was first scared of ElQuackity, but the second she learned that Dapper was captured by him, she was FURIOUS, Baghera had to tell her multiple times to not go after ElQuackity, and though she is most of the time very empathetic of someone's situation, she has only expressed disgust and hate towards ElQuackity since then, talking multiple times how much she wants to kill him herself. (if that's how she loses her first life : dying trying to kill ElQuackity... I don't what I would do (probably cry))

I could probably find 100 more things to say but I'm writing that in the middle of doing something else and I'm getting a headache so I'll stop there. If you can't tell this was just an excuse to talk about the egg of all time. Let's finish by the quote (that I really like) that crowns her wiki page :

"J'ai beaucoup de questions mais je suis pas sûre de vouloir connaître les réponses"

"I have many questions but I'm not sure I want to know the answers"

[yuriko-mukami]

Her Calamity

Maniac 05

Beta reader: @ruki-mukami-dl

Chapter Selection

The thick scent of ink and ancient paper wafted in the air. Usually, the fragrance soothed my mind and heart but now, I had to concentrate on keeping my feet and fingers restful. Moonlight swung in from the huge windows, and I tried to focus on the silverish color. The moon itself peeked behind the forest almost in its full glory. It would not take long for it to reach its peak.

I turned my head to meet the golden gaze of my benefactor who was standing behind his desk, looking directly at me while his firstborn was taking a nap in the other armchair. The wheat-colored hair rested against the backrest of the seat while quiet sounds of puffing breath filled the room.

“The lunar eclipse is not far away anymore.” Karlheinz-sama roamed to the window, glancing out as if he had read my mind. Sometimes, I wondered if he was capable of such. “You both know what it means to us.”

I nodded. Of course, I knew this. It would be the same as the new moon but worse. Usually, we simply took it easy around that time. Even though I personally despised this time, because feeling sluggish was something I could not stand, the new moon or even the eclipse was usually not a reason to worry. Especially in the realm of humans since there it lasted much a shorter while than here in the Demon World.

Usually.

Since Karlheinz-sama brought this matter up as before, there must be something concerning it. He was much more knowledgeable than me, and lately, he had been worried because of the First Bloods.

A chill traveled down my spine as I remembered the duo and the deal I had made.

I was the snake in the garden. A traitor. That was the role Karlheinz-sama had assigned to me in the past but never would I have thought that I betrayed him as well. Yet, for Yuriko, I would do anything. The same decisions all over again. To protect her. To keep her mine. For she was the bright light that made my life worth living.

Shu yawned and shifted in his armchair. “Sounds like a good reason to sleep a bit more.”

“Once again, you are not taking this seriously enough, Shu.” I could almost taste Karlheinz-sama’s annoyance in the air when his eyes bored into his lazy son. “As you know, we, the Vampires, are at our weakest during the new moon. Yet, that is nothing compared to the eclipse. You should know. You have experienced a few in your life.”

Shu shrugged as I nodded. Experienced, suffered through, and kept moving forward, everything to advance this great man’s plans. I would do the same this time around as well. The eclipse would not stop me from doing my duty and redeem myself from my earlier traitorous deeds.

Karlheinz-sama shifted, concealing the moon from the view. It gave a silver aura around him as his shadow spread over the desk. “Before the eclipse begins, you all are to return to the Demon World. I have made sure that the Sakamaki castle is prepared by that time.”

I had to hide the frown as it was about to climb on my face. Return here? To the Sakamaki castle? A cold shower dripped over me. Yuriko would be staying in the same building as Sakamaki Laito, and I could not have that. Not after everything.

Yes, I have not seen even a glimpse of that disgusting pervert at school after Karlheinz-sama had ordered him to leave my angel alone. Still, I could not trust the same courtesy happening if Laito would constantly run into Yuriko in the Sakamaki castle. The building was huge but not big enough, and even I did not know all its secrets. There would be too many chances for Laito to sneak up on her.

And Laito was not even the only problem that bounced into my mind. How would Yuriko survive in the Demon World? Her kind lived here as well but she was partly human and stayed for her whole life in the Human World. Not to mention, she would be closer to the Yako tribe, and I could not have them see even a glance of her.

I almost flinched as the thought hit me. For the first time ever, my weakened powers during the eclipse could be my doom. It would last longer in the Demon World than in the realm of humans. If Yuriko and I would simply stay in the manor, I could make sure she would be safe. But here… Would I be able to protect her from all the threats that loomed above us?

Yet… I did not wish to explain all this to Karlheinz-sama and even less to Shu. They did not need to know everything, for some things were better kept secret.

“That sounds awfully a lot of trouble.” Shu snorted. “I refuse.”

“I did not give you that option. You will come and tell your brothers to come here as well. We will not risk the plan because of the moon.” Karlheinz-sama sounded more serious than ever and displeaseness slipped into his voice as well. “The First Bloods are on the loose and they have a bone to pick with us. Once the eclipse is upon us, their strength remains but ours will not. I will not give up the plan for this discomfort, which means we will all gather here, and after the eclipse, we will solve this pest problem that has tainted the lands that are rightfully ours.”

Usually, it was difficult to detect any feelings from Karlheinz-sama but now, I think I was able to distinguish them. Was that fear? Could it be that there was something even he was afraid of?

Either way, this would make it all the more difficult for me. Due to my deal with Shin, I was not worried for Yuriko. The Founders had no reason to touch her, for I had kept her away from harm’s way.

I swallowed a sigh. Again, all of this was something I could not share with my benefactor. I had become the lowest of the lowest.

“Karlheinz-sama…” I straightened my spine even more. “I can see the importance of all this for your sons, and I can even send my brothers here. I do trust they are safe with you. But… for Yuriko, there are other risks than the moon which does not affect her. For that, I wish to keep her in the Human World.”

I noticed Shu open his eyes; the blue gaze pierced me. “...interesting…” A mere mumble but I was able to hear it.

“Ruki…” Karlheinz-sama sighed. “Our little anomaly can stay in your manor if you so wish. But I want to have all my sons here in the Demon World. That does include you. This is not something I will negotiate.”

I would not leave Yuriko alone in the manor. That was not an option. “Then…” I sighed. “I ask that we could stay here in Eden. In my old bedroom.”

Even without looking, I could feel how Shu’s eyes were still glued to me. Was he curious because of our earlier conversation or was there another reason? I could not ask him right now. He had also made clear that he was not willing to discuss the matter. So this sudden interest was suspicious, almost worrying. Was I seeing ghosts around me?

“It is surprisingly important to you, is it not, Ruki? To have your girl with you.” Karlheinz-sama smiled and drew his index finger along with his chin line.

I gave the man a nod. “It is. I cannot leave her alone in the Human World.” Or anywhere else. The mere thought of putting Yuriko in danger like that was driving me out of my mind. She was mine and would always be.

“Isn’t she there right now too?” Shu asked all of a sudden.

I turned to look at the eldest of the Sakamaki brothers. His eyes met mine. “She is with my brothers. Did you not leave Eve with yours as well?”

I did not add it but my brothers were much more trustworthy than Shu’s. Even when it came to Kou, I could be sure that neither of them would try to take Yuriko’s blood. And after a serious talk with Azusa, I knew that he would not ask Yuriko to cut him or the other way around. She was safe with them.

But if I were to leave Yuriko alone in the Human World, she could be a target to who knew what atrocities. The foxes had tailed her during the summer. Even though they had not shown up recently, they could simply wait for the right opportunity, and I would not serve it to them.

Shu shrugged but something moved behind his eyes as if gears were turning in his head. “It would have been too troublesome to drag her here. She arranges a fuss for the smallest of things.”

“It is better not be too troublesome to bring her later.” Karlheinz pressed each word. “Since Eve has chosen you, it is your responsibility to make sure she is secured.”

“She is safe where she is.” Shu yawned. “We’ll see about if I bring her here or not.”

For me, it almost seemed like Shu did this on purpose; like he disliked the thought of having Eve in the Demon World. Why was that? I could not know, for I was sure that Eve’s safety was a high priority in Karlheinz-sama’s mind as well. She was the most important asset to his plan, after all.

“Indeed.” Karlheinz-sama tapped his desk with his fingertips while gazing at his son. He shook his head before looking at me again. “Your room is yours to use, Ruki. It has always been. If it puts you at ease, you can stay there with your girl.”

The silence spread between us. I leaned on the backrest, my mind whirling. I had contemplated the possibility of higher resistance to my wish. Yet, my great benefactor showed once more how honorable a man he was. I did not deserve everything he gave me so willingly but this gift I would take with gratitude in my death heart.

Still, I could not push aside the gnawing feeling of duplicity. I have become this creature of two faces, and even this amazing mind could not see behind my mask. It seemed that Karlheinz-sama was as a matter of fact clueless about my connection to the First Bloods and I could only hope it would stay like that.

“Aside from that, Reiji is still working with his experiment. We might have lost our test subject but he was able to collect enough of her blood before she ran away. That little zombie is no longer needed.” Karlheinz-sama sat down and pressed his fingertips together.

A zombie? Elizabeth Virnien had stayed with the Sakamakis, and Yuriko had mentioned the punctual marks on her skin. So, they had not been Vampire bites after all. That could only mean Reiji had used Elizabeth’s blood for this experiment that was important to Karlheinz-sama.

Why were the Founders and Karlheinz-sama both interested in that zombie? What was her part in all of this? Suddenly there was a new piece in my puzzle, and I was not sure where it would fit.

“Reiji is close to the final breakthrough. I am hoping the results will be finished latest when the lunar eclipse will strike.” Karlheinz-sama’s voice stayed calm and collected as he spoke. But one corner of his mouth was slightly curling up. “Before that, he will run some tests. He will need Eve’s blood for them.”

Shu growled, straightening up. “Reiji will not bite her.”

“That won’t be necessary.” Karlheinz-sama sighed. “He can use a needle. To be honest, I asked him to collect the sample while you are here.”

I had never seen Shu getting up that fast. He almost turned invisible in my eyes, then wavered and fell toward the floor before he managed to collect himself. A growl cut through the room. “You! Let me teleport!”

Karlheinz-sama chuckled. “No. This is important and you will stay in this room until our talk is done.”

Another snarl vibrated through the air. Shu dashed toward his father but was stopped in the middle of his movements as if an indistinguishable force had held him. I could do nothing but stare at the show while the truth sank into me. This was Karlheinz-sama’s power. He could stop a pureblood Vampire without lifting a finger which meant I had no chance against him if it would ever come to that. Not that I wanted to do such a thing, he was my great benefactor after all. And as I saw how he tamed his son in front of me, the admiration filled me. He was a man who did not take disrespect from anyone.

“Still so weak, Shu. You must awaken your full potential as Adam if you wish to proscribe me. I know you have not started your training with Ruki’s little anomaly yet. But if you do not do it voluntarily, it will happen once you are all here.” Shivers ran down my spine. Was there any way I could still keep Yuriko in the Human World?

[surrealisticduvet]

Album Review - The Prison: A Book With a Soundtrack (1974)

The Prison - Michael’s first album to be released under his own record label, and the first album maybe ever to be released with its own novella. The Prison’s concept is hard to explain (you either over-explain it or over-simplify it) but in a nutshell, it is about a man (interestingly named after Michael’s second son) who lives in a prison which he discovers is not real - he can walk out at any time he likes, and the prison will fade away. This is an allegory for the troubles of society; when one is entrenched in it, it is real, and constraining; when you leave, which you can do at any time, at great personal cost, you discover that it has been, all this time, a fabrication. The book itself is very interesting, but this review is about the album, and the music it contains; let us begin.

Favorite parts of the album:

It’s clear, between the album itself and the way he spoke about it, that this was a monumental production for him. It’s very different from his previous work, and much of his post-Prison work is influenced by it. The lyrics are very strong and poetic – which makes sense, considering that writing was his focus with the book. The instrumentation is wonderful too (I love the guitar and subtle pedal steel - yes, of course Red is on this record!). although the higher level of production can make it sound a little stiffer and more impersonal at times (compared to, say, And the Hits… where he did a huge chunk of the playing himself). I don’t think the album suffers for that, however - it’s a soundtrack, so the production is perfect. 

“Dance Between the Raindrops” is probably the catchiest song on the album - starting here, and continuing in other tracks, is the trend of using a subtle background melody to drive your reading along. Amidst the lyrics and the music itself, it’s easy to get a little distracted at times, but having that baseline to keep you grounded is nice. This happens again in “Hear Me Calling,” where he utilizes a sort of “Tumbling Tumbleweeds” western shuffle deep in the background of the song. (He uses this again in the next album I’ll be reviewing – I’ll rave about it then.) 

“Walking Mystery” is another hit in my book (to be clear, none of these songs are “hits” - they would never make good radio songs, except perhaps on an easy listening station.) It has a mystical, ethereal quality and ambiance, which is again wonderful for reading along. This song and a few others almost have a touch of that dreamy 80’s synth - six years before the decade rolled around. 

Overall, the album flows beautifully, and is in fact long enough for you to read the whole book while listening. Which brings me to my critiques…

Critiques:

It may be my fault, for rushing out of fear that I’d run out of music before I ran out of pages – but in fact, it was the opposite: I finished reading long before the album ran out, and I certainly didn’t digest it well enough. Having read through once, I ought to go back and savor it this time, reading slowly and feeling the music throughout. I do believe that while reading, you miss a little of the music (I enjoy it much more when I listen on its own), although Michael said that if you’re experiencing this issue, you might just need to practice. That could be true – or maybe the songs just aren’t as memorable as some of his others. Perhaps; they weren’t made to be stand-alone hits (he had to change “Marie’s Theme” quite a bit for it to sound like a standard track on the Ranch Stash re-release), and they’re not as easy to sing along with as the rest of his discography. 

My next critique is about the book itself, which isn’t very fair to the music, but they are intertwined – it’s very theoretical and a little preachy (a symptom of his present state), which doesn’t ruin the experience for me, but I see why it wouldn’t necessarily be critically acclaimed by a casual listener/reader. Oh well. 

Finally – and this is the big one – Michael here is entering his “hamming it up” era, which gets better as the 70s fade out, but never really gets cured. For some reason, there are many lines which he sings in a half-spoken, comical manner, something that would be natural for “Mama Rocker” but absolutely not for a lot of these songs and those that he performs live or on other albums. (This phenomenon is extremely bad on Live at the Palais, which I’ll get to in a few posts…) I guess it doesn’t ruin the experience for me, but it does make me cringe. 

Conclusion:

I truly wish that, first of all, we had a recording of the ballet (?!) that was performed for this album (if I remember correctly from Infinite Tuesday) and that, second, he was not so insecure/embarrassed about this album in the years after it came out. In live performances he apologizes for making people listen to songs off of it (albeit surely half-jokingly) and teases himself about the outro of “Marie’s Theme” (that it repeats 602,417 times at the end so you have time to catch up on some reading, etc.) 

Overall, The Prison is not my favorite album of his ever, although I do really appreciate it – it’s just not one I tend to listen to often. But I think it was a very important one that paved the way for a lot of his later work - a definite timeline shift. His later work was obviously influenced and inspired by it, and it seemed to be a culmination of what his earlier work was leading up to, philosophically (if not so much musically - sort of separate schools going on there – but he was all about that sort of unexpected, conceptual genre-melding approach to music… and that’s why we love him!)

[joyfulapostate]

hey! i love your work so much, i think you're doing amazing things and i always look forward seeing your posts on my dash.

i was wondering if you'd consider doing a post/sharing your thoughts on the concept of "being in the world but not of the world." it's something that's been on my mind lately, the kind of simultaneous victim/superiority complex that idea could potentially inspire. some verses related to that idea are 1 John 2:15-17 , John 15:19 , and Romans 12:2 .

in any case, i hope you have a fantastic day--you have no idea how important your work is, not only to me but countless others too.

Hello! I am so touched that you find my work meaningful. Thank you for sending this in! It's a fascinating subject and a lot to unpack (after all, it's the whole world we were asked to give up).

As a former fundie, the anti-world messages in these verses hit me pretty hard. They remind me of the years I lost to the faith and the paths I didn’t take. It's strange, because these verses felt so run-of-the-mill when I was a Christian. Of course I was not of the world, I was merely visiting this planet and I would return to my heavenly father once I passed his earthly test. 

I was told as a Christian that the secularization of society was a direct attack on our way of life, that “the world” wanted to replace all of the things that I valued with cheap knock-offs. Sex instead of holy matrimony, prideful independence instead of relying on my heavenly father. I had a very us-versus-them mentality where the "us" was guaranteed to win in the long game of eternity. I won't lie, I felt superior to secular people when I was a Christian. But the trick was, I didn't think that the superiority belonged to me, it belonged to the Christian god. It wasn't me who was better than other people, I was just letting my god protect me from the pitfalls of an earthly existence. If there was goodness or glory in that journey, it did not belong to me. It all belonged to him. It was a “get-out-of-pride free” card.

I had been sold this idea that the world was against “us.” I didn't notice that that hadn't been true for quite a long time. But most of the people around me were acting as if they were still in danger of being persecuted by some modern equivalent of the Romans. The persecution complex was strong, but entirely baseless. Because living in a multicultural society is not the same thing as persecution, even though they were treated as one and the same in my fundamentalist community.

I didn't want to notice that it wasn't loving to ask people to give up their whole lives. I had inherited this ancient contract that told me that I could gain an eternal life. All I had to do was give up everything. I was supposed to treat the world like a den of vipers, to regard everything earthly as garbage, and to live as if I was born in heaven's waiting room. There was no negotiation and the details that I did have were quite hazy as to what that eternal life would be like. And I was supposed to give up the only life I’d ever experienced for vague promises, sight unseen.

As a fundamentalist, I took the sacrificial mathematics of Christianity for granted. Our sacrifice mirrored Christ’s own– it's a compelling story. And I can see how it's attractive for people who crave the purpose, belonging, and freedom from suffering that Christianity promises. But I'm not ready to give up on this life and on this world for an incredibly shady deal. I don't believe that the only way we can be good people is by handing our lives over to someone who does not allow us to have informed consent in an eternal contract.

We deserve to have a connection with this world. We know that this life is real and ready for us to participate in. And if someone wants to separate us from the world, then they'd better be ready to tell us, in detail, the conditions of that contract.

Otherwise, I'm going to go ahead and love the world and the things in the world as long as I'm alive.

links, glorious links

[crguang]

Hi, I've been reading your fanfics lately and I've become obsessed with your writing! I'm not good at English so I keep to myself.

I wanted to share my feelings, because I think you should know what a great job you do! Not only did you make me have a different perspective on Kafka, you also made me see character development more clearly! (I also write a lot, and it's one of my difficulties.)

It's incredible how his stories gave me an addictive feeling, something I haven't seen in any other Kafka fanfic! Please keep it up!

In fact, I have ideas in my head about how Kafka would react to R's death? Or what exactly would make her cry? I wonder, and I think your point of view would be quite accurate.

first of all, don’t worry about your english!! it’s great, and it’s not my first language either so i understand the struggle. thank you for your kind words i cant believe my writing has inspired/helped you in any way, im especially happy it changed your mind about Kafka hehe. trust meee i understand how tough characterization is, i focus way too much on the details and it can get pretty frustrating. i take it seriously too, so when something doesn’t go my way or i can’t portray a scene the way i see it in my mind, i lose it a little bit.

ouhhh, kafka and death is a pretty intimate affair in my opinion. she deals with it all the time but we don’t know if she’s experienced it— she sees suffering as something euphoric, fascinating. we know she doesn’t care for her victims because of it, that and the fact that she’s following what she truly believes is destiny. if it was their destiny to die by her hand, why would she mourn? i think it would take a lot to make her cry, she’s very resilient and can withstand a lot + she doesn’t feel fear and there are lots of complex emotions born from it (anxiety, dread, panic) so in my opinion she’s not very attuned to these as well. i’ll expand on the “not feeling fear” thing because its absolutely insane; its a primal instinct that makes us do or not do so many things. it’s connected to so many other emotions— we feel sad because we fear losing people, we feel helpless because we fear not being good enough, etc. kafka wouldn’t be able to understand all of that in a visceral way. we know she worries to an extent (for the trailblazer, for blade) and that also stems from fear but so far, it’s been somewhat superficial. she checks up on them like once and that’s that. here again, following and believing in a scripted future makes it so that she doesnt have much to worry about. it makes me believe that she would often realize things after they’ve happened, like “oh, i don’t like this…”

losing someone she genuinely cares about might paralyze her, at least at first. death doesn’t obsess her because fear is self-preservation and she cant feel that. she is logical though, and knows not to put herself/others in certain dangerous situations. she doesn’t fear her s/o dying, she just knows she doesn’t want it to happen. what she can feel though is sadness, and that only happens during/after the fact. grief is soo complex, that’s why i think it would paralyze her afterwards— she’d feel this immense loss that she hasn’t prepared for, and kafka is rarely caught by surprise. she wouldn’t know what to do and her logic won’t save her; so many things don’t matter when you’re dealing with emotions that feel all-consuming, she knows death is inevitable, so what? she knows this was always a possibility, so what? that doesn’t tell her how to deal with it. she’d go through the motions as usual because life didn’t stop for her but she’d have this constant tightness in her chest like fingers curled around her heart. the tears would find her on a tuesday morning as she’s cleaning her gun or putting on her boots. to me, her feelings have a little lag; she doesn’t feel apprehension much so they would have to hit her afterwards. in my most recent fic im writing about her being a player for laughs but i still make her fall for the reader at the same time they fall for her, she just realizes it way later. this is long as hell im so sorry but to sum up i do think she would cry a lot because she almost never does and her body would need the relief.

im yapping im sorry😭 your question was super interesting and it really got me thinking but let me stop lmfao. i hope i kinda answered it along the way😭

[dramadramallama]

Love Supremacy - brain rot part 2

As Myung-ha rejects the idea of a predetermined fate, he sets off to change it for Yeo-woon, who’s mirroring him in every way. When we first meet our Myung-ha, we also meet the most mysterious character of the show. Is it Death? A guardian angel? God? Whatever it is, he knows more than Myung-ha, and has some wisdom to share. Thus, a sunbae. 

The fact that he is represented as some sort of Author is not lost on me, but I do appreciate that his identity is vague enough to be interpreted many different ways. No religious connotations, no punishment, no judgment, we cheered.

In theory, Myung-ha finds the idea that some people just don't live happy lives unfair. He doesn’t like the story’s ending (he doesn’t like his own ending either, as he regretted it in the last moments) so he sets off to change it through this new opportunity (the Game). When asked, "would you do things differently, if it were you, then?" he unequivocally answers that he would, that he would make it happen differently. Looking back, it’s clear his sunbae is not asking hypothetically. The underlying conversation is obviously about his own life being re-written, not (just) Yeo-woon’s. 

1. Mirrors/Symmetry ▶️2. Fate, Free Will, and Happiness 3. Game/Reality

So in theory, he’s all for doing things differently, but in practice, though, it's not that easy. He’s struggling not to make the same mistakes, which is represented with the in-game instability. When Myung-ha makes progress, when he both shows love and accepts it in return, the game (life) is able to go on in spite of the glitches.

Golden moments keep us going, literally.

After experiencing some system errors, some setbacks, his sunbae comes back to the rescue with some more not-so-hypothetical questions.

Through the lens of a loving relationship, he hopes to show Myung-ha that the choices we make out of despair are still our own (free will). It’s a direct parallel to Myung-ha deciding to cut his life short (break up, no pain, no hard feelings), instead of living longer (delaying it, enduring the hurt, getting scars, coping with regrets). 

Myung-ha is not quite ready, and has trouble understanding what is being implied. Because he hasn’t reached a state of self-love, he unknowingly doubles down on the fate he’s assigned himself once, and chooses to repeat it. 

He chooses to give up (again), he chooses to avoid the suffering (again), which he associates with unhappiness. It takes just as much courage to live as it does to die, and happiness doesn't exempt you of pain, but Myung-ha doesn’t know it just yet. He falls back into his old habits, and symbolically gives up staying longer in the game (of life), worried about Yeo-woo’s happiness more than his own. 

After working tirelessly to get Yeo-woon to happiness, and becoming the reliable person Yeo-woon can lean on, he hits the wall of his own contradictions. The relationship is uneven, the choice too biased. The gap widens, the fragility of the whole thing is apparent: the game is bugging, as Myung-ha doesn’t align his needs/desires with his actions/reactions. 

Not only does he refuse Kyung-hoon’s and Yeo-woon’s offer to lean on them (he hurt his leg following a system error), he also struggles accepting his own feelings. In spite of the time running out, he fails to tell Yeo-woon he loves him properly, retains important info about himself, and breaks up with him in the exact same location where they share their first kiss (loud wailing sounds of poetic cinema)

Myung-ha’s core issues are bursting out in the open (increasingly alarming error messages appear): because he doesn’t let himself be loved, he can’t love properly. Because he can’t lean on others when he needs it, he fails to be there when it matters. 

Myung-ha misguidedly keeps choosing a sad ending for himself when the whole game, his whole life, is fighting to give him a happy one.

That’s not to say his entire journey until now was in vain. In fact, Myung-ha is incredibly resilient (child...❤️), and opens himself to change at the end. He’s just missing a piece of the puzzle for it all to fit into place. It is, in fact, quite a big pill to swallow that happiness doesn’t happen to you passively like destiny, but instead is something that you actively choose. Hell, I struggle to even comprehend or believe it, tbh.

The game being littered with questions, answers, and possible choices/options is a visual representation of our everyday pondering, and choice making. What goals are we setting for ourselves? Myung-ha's sunbae is there to remind Myung-ha that if we refuse the existence of fate, then we should make use of your all-powerful free-will. 

At first, he blindly runs towards the game’s main goal--happiness--and doesn’t realize you can’t find it at the finish line. If he only wants happiness for someone else and not himself, why would he get a different ending? By the end, he learns that happiness can, possibly, be found on the way there, though.

The hand, the love he extends to Yeo-woon one-sidedly in episode 1, he accepts it when it is returned in episode 8.

The story comes full circle, but doesn't repeat itself; he gets a different ending through a new start.

From a pure stylistic standpoint, I'm obsessed with repeated lines/motifs in media because they give a lot of rhythm to a story. Like a poem or a song.

The story reaches its final stanza, he listens to himself, and resolves the error, his own contradictions. He found the will to fight for happiness, a way to love himself, chooses to stay longer, chooses Yeo-woon, chooses to maybe suffer along the way a little, but he chooses life. 

Notice how the question does not have Myung-ha's answer this time. Now, we choose.

Life is not an express lane, and if you're short 5,000 won to take the bus, or if the bus breaks down on the highway, you might have to fight and make a run for it. It'll suck. But it's not in vain; you might just get rewarded with the happy moments you created for yourself. Myung-ha does.

It is such a hopeful, kind, gentle message.

I am alive too.

[sl-newsie]

Query: Q x 00 Agent- Ch. 1: New Instructions

Sometimes people get what they want. Life provides them with loving family, a warm home, and assuring comfort. That can make a person lazy if they take it for granted. Other times, life gives you the short end of the stick. I will never get what I want. But you learn to live with that when you’re a 00 Agent.

It’s not that I’m unhappy serving my country. A true British patriot at heart. However my loyalty always seems to falter when my country never seems to reward me in return. Granted, my life could be a boring job with me trapped behind a desk. Instead M let me be a field agent, despite me being the youngest trainee. I’ve only been an official 00 agent for a year, but I’ve learned as much as what an ordinary soldier does in a lifetime. M did say that Bond, Agent 007, is the best of the best. And his teachings have proven just that.

But I guess even Bond gets unlucky sometimes. When he got shot in the field it took a harder hit on his mind rather than his body. The older agent seems to have re-thought how capable he is because I keep hearing rumors about him taking a desk job, which is what both him and I refer to as the MI6 talk for retirement.

Right now I'm returning from the training room, my abs practically melting from all the push-ups I’ve just suffered through. I hear a grunt from the shadows, and turn to see 007 rubbing his chest where the bullet struck him.

“How is it today?” I inquire softly.

He gives a dark chuckle. “Not one of my better days, Levie.”

My nickname. I’m 0011, so he calls me Levie. He must be having a bad day.

“I’m sorry, Bond. I truly am.”

“I know. Sorry for being so gloomy, but I get an excuse.”

I nod and go to sit on a nearby bench. “I don’t blame you. It doesn’t help that-”

But I cut myself off before I go further. This is beginning to stretch into a conversation I’d rather now venture through, but now Bond is suspicious.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“Tell me.” He steps closer. “What?”

I sigh in defeat and look down to avoid his piercing gaze. “It doesn’t help that at your age, chances of recovery are less flexible.”

Bond takes a minute to digest these words, then huffs. “You saying I’m old?”

“I’m saying you're experienced.”

“Between you and Mallory I’d think I’m becoming an old man. Now that you’re here, walk with me.” Bond gestures for me to follow as he starts walking towards the offices. 

MI6 is far from what I’d call exciting. Unless there’s an emergency, the office space is normally tame compared to the world outside. I follow Bond to the elevator, where he informs me he just had a meeting with M.

“I’m about to be assigned a new mission. More than likely you’ll accompany me, as usual. I’ve even got a new Quartermaster. Sounds like you do too, from what M tells me.”

Um, yay? I guess this new one can’t be as bad as my old one. He was very old-fashioned in his thinking and always thought I should have never been promoted to 00 status because of my age.

“Is he good?”

Bond chuckles and turns to meet my eye. “You’ll like him.”

“Why?” I ask, slightly intrigued.

“You’ll see.” The elevator dings and Bond steps out into the hall leading to the vehicle depot. 

“When will I meet him?” I call out.

He turns to give a quick wave and answers: “He’ll find you.” 

Then the door closes, leaving me to ride back up to await my next instructions. Once I’m on the top floor I head to the roof access stairs, stepping out into the cool air for some time to think. Ever since that list of names has been leaked, my mind’s been far from easy. Not that I have anything to lose if I die, but death isn’t really something I’d planned on yet.

“0011?” A voice comes from behind.

I don’t even turn around, still staring at the Londoners walking about below. “Hello, Eve. Got any good news for me?”

Eve’s a few years older than me, which gets her a bigger pull in the workforce. People expect her to be responsible and me to be naive. But she, along with M, treat me as any other agent, which I am always grateful for.

“I am told to tell you that you are to meet your new Quartermaster in exactly 2 hours at the Blixen.”

My breath catches. “Hm. Isn’t that a bit much for a first meeting?”

“M chooses the locations, not me. You’re lucky she didn’t send you to a stuffy museum like she did with Bond.” Eve grips my shoulders and gives me a pointed look. “Wear something nice. Remember, no fighting at the dinner table. This is an adult matter.”

I roll my eyes at her teasing and we both start laughing. 

“I’ll find something, no problem. My apartment is basically a fashion warehouse.”

“I’ve always wondered why you chose a tiny apartment. With your payroll you could do much better.”

I shrug. “No one to take up space but Cricket and me.”

Eve rolls her eyes. “Your cat has become your boyfriend.”

In my line of work, the term ‘boyfriend’ hardly comes into the radar. People sometimes get what they want, sometimes life has other plans.

Eve must mistake my silence for nerves regarding tonight’s meeting. “Don’t worry. You’ll be fine. He’s nice.”

For some oddball reason, her encouraging words feel more like she’s preparing me for a date rather than a mission briefing.

[xsoulxsilencex]

There is almost something funny in seeing how most people on tumblr are really upset about what Yuamu and Yuga are doing and then I check other places where people are actually happy about what's going on?

One side is angry at Yuga, hates Yuamu's decision, call it bad writing, nonsensical etc. while the other side says stuff like "girl boss Yuamu", "Go Rush is cooking/peak" and "this is what Yuamu's character needed".

Ngl, I'm somewhat in the middle:

I really wouldn't call the recent events as "peak fiction" and I still feel like this is a weird way to involve Yuamu in the arc final + potentially explaining why she's not on the season 3 poster. I don't buy her being Otes at all. At least not the one we saw in Sevens. I don't even really see what would be so great about her being Otes? Like is it only cool because a girl could potentially be the previous show's central antagonist? Also Yuamu empathising with Yuga could've been done better imo. Just saying that the ep where they landed in Goha City as cats was like the "starting point" for her feels random and not really like it was built up properly. At least to me. Also not sure how people seem to easily forget/forgive Yuamu's irrelevance over the season just for what she's doing now. The writers do nothing with her until now and suddenly she's cool again because she sides with Yuga?

But I will also say that I don't hate Yuga for doing what he does. I mean, Yuga experienced what bad shit Monster Reborn caused in his time. He doesn't want a repetition of that. And I think for us it's easy to say "well, screw the future kids, the Velgearians matter more" since they don't exist in GR. They aren't characters we saw interacting with Yudias and co. We got to know the Velgearians so their deaths hit us harder and we want them back since what happened to them was just not fair. But it's not like Yuga is happy about letting the Velgerians stay dead. He would've gladly helped reviving the Velgearians if he knew a way that doesn't involve the use of Monster Reborn. After all, why would he have helped Yudias, given him a deck and duel disk and even dueled at his side if he didn't care at all? Even Yudias and co. don't think he's just evil by doing what he does rn. And well, Yuga is just 13. A 13yo saying he will become the enemy just to save the future is kinda crazy. Yuga actually cares a lot up to the point he wants to solve everything on his own so others don't suffer/get hurt. That's how he was in Sevens too. And ngl, that annoyed me a little even back then. (Luke called him out for that once too) He means well but needs to understand that it's okay to take help. Btw: I've seen people angry at Yuga and Yuamu only caring for the kids and implying that adults are bad? Tbh, I don't think they really believe that since in both, Sevens and Go Rush, we had some adults playing Rush Duel and having fun with it. I think it's more about adults influencing the game so much up to the point it's only fun for them but not the kids anymore. So when Yuga wants dueling back in the hands of children, he probably means that they should have fun too and not just the adults. Maybe he and Yuamu could've phrased it better but I never took it as "kids are cool, adults are evil so RD should just be played by kids".

I still believe that in the end, both the future and the Velgearians can be saved so I don't feel like arguing with any side here. Both make points I can understand but I also feel like some get either over emotional or just blindly call everything awesome.

[vaehbae]

Peace. Quiet. Calm.

Ezra Bridger could only have dreamed of such things during his time as both an orphan, and during his time in the Rebellion. He may have experienced some of it while isolated on Peridea, but this was something he preferred more.

The view of Lothal's capital city was something that literally came from a dream. He remembered first seeing it vividly alongside the spirits of his late parents during the night he learned of their deaths. However, the dream became a reality.

The galaxy was indeed shaken following Thrawn's return, but over the past few months, the tactical genius was no match for the stubborn will of New Republic military officials, and the famous Heroes of Endor, whom with joined hands of the Heroes of Lothal, turned the tables and put Imperial Remnants to route once again.

Regardless if there was nothing safe or sacred, it was a much deserved moment of relief Ezra wished he had earned earlier. For all the strife, fighting, and death that had to resume over the desire of totalitarian madmen who wanted to reclaim control over the galaxy and restart their ideas of suffering, the best thing he could do was live for all the good people that were lost. And for a very important reason...

He had been entranced by the shining and bustling beauty of the previously envisioned city when Sabine Wren -- his wife joined his side on the balcony. In her arms, the artistically destructive Mandalorian held a still bundle in her arms. Their ninetine month old daughter, Mira Wren-Bridger.

"Everytime I see you come out here, it's like you're always distracted by something that isn't even calling your name." She quipped. Sabine sure knew how to deliver sassy remarks, even after her life changed through marriage and motherhood.

"It's a good sight to go to sleep to." Ezra replied innocently, giving off a small chuckle when he felt his longtime best friend elbow him on the side.

"Well, I don't blame ya. I remember you mentioned seeing this after realizing what happened to your parents."

In the past, Ezra would have felt a tang of pain hit his heart about such a cruel and unfair reminder, no matter the wording, but he knew he was no longer the only one to have lost family after Sabine vented to him about her Clan getting slaughtered on Mandalore.

"It's not just that anymore."

Sabine looked over at him with a questioning gaze at his comment, making sure she still maintained a fair grip on little Mira in her arms, and so that the baby would not be awaken and make a fuss.

"We've made it happen, Sabine. All of us. I know deep down, my mom and dad would've been proud to see this. Right now, however, I just don't think I could ever thank you guys enough for helping to achieve this."

"As a Mandalorian, I don't take even the smallest of promises lightly. And as much as it's exhausting to bring up... you were counting on me at the same time."

That phrase had become very synonymous with Ezra's faith in his longtime best friend, and he already knew that when she brought him home, her promise had been fulfilled. There was truly no better person than Sabine that he could ask to ensure such things were sought through to the end, and he would never have it any other way.

"And you've kept your promise, Sabine. Thank you." He told her, turning his head to meet her gaze as his lips curled up to a warm smile. That smile was shared as they kissed briefly, before finally retiring inside their tower for a good night's rest.

Ezra was still unsure what new challenges awaited him for the future, but with Sabine by his side, he felt more at ease and ready to face them head on.

It felt like I just had ASMR cleanse over my brain cells reading this. It was so nice and welcoming oh my goodness. All the stress of the final episode just washed over me with this beauty!

Thank you for submitting! Genuine, It's the perfect amount of everything but not too overwhelming and so freaking cute!

[madametnt]

The Worst Possible Run of Until Dawn as Scientifically Calculated by Me

Sequel to this post aka Best Run(TM) can be found here

Many people have jokingly done “worst runs” of Until Dawn. Usually these are standard “everybody dies” runs where you kill every character as soon as possible, or you’re just trying to pick all the seemingly funny options. However, these runs are typically done without the absurd amount of game knowledge a loser like me possesses.

Armed with my awareness of Until Dawn’s intricacies, I sought something deeper than a simple all deaths run. My mission was to not only kill these characters in the most tragic way possible, but make them the worst possible versions of themselves while doing it. Fair warning, this guide will contain spoilers for the entirety of Until Dawn since it is best experienced after playing through the game at least once. You get to see a lot of dialogue exchanges that I haven’t been able to find documented anywhere on YouTube, so it’s very worth while if you are interested in that kind of thing. Here’s how I did it.

For this run we are only getting clues/interactables that are either mandatory, or give you the opportunity to lower a relationship with another character. The only exception to this is the hand you can touch as Mike in the asylum because it makes him look stupid. The characters have a tendency to discuss things they find and piece together clues, but not finding any change the cutscenes to make them look like confused and bumbling idiots completely oblivious to what’s going on.

Another thing that will make sense later is that you actually need to play some sections of the game correctly as to set up worse fates for the characters later down the line. Missing QTE’s for the most part only serves to slow the game down, but if you feel like doing so in the earlier sections of the game where the threat of danger is minimal then who am I to stop you?

Dr. Hill is kind of an odd ball and you can get kind of creative with these parts since they are mostly subjective. I personally recommend picking options that hate on animals, crowds, fearing women, etc. Pick the more selfish moral options, I recommend honesty since too much honesty can be seen as cruel. Just don’t pick charity, we hate giving to others here. When picking characters, pick Josh as your favorite since we wanna be a narcissist and Sam as your least favorite since she’s the most difficult to make a terrible person. The absolute must though is being completely unrepentant about the prank and suffering of the characters. Play it like Josh genuinely thinks they are getting what they deserve.

Anything labeled a “bonus” is something that doesn’t really effect anything, but add just that little extra flavor of awfulness. They aren’t mandatory and can be skipped if you feel they are a waste of time.

Last thing is anything marked with a * is just additional information

PROLOGUE

- Drop Hannah

Bonus: miss all QTE’s, take safe route, pick follow footprints, pick follow noise

CHAPTER 1

* You have to feed the squirrel or else you can’t progress

- Snoop in Chris’s bag as Sam to lower their relationship

- Shoot the squirrel as Chris to lower his relationship with Sam

- Explain as Jessica

* This will lower her relationship with Sam slightly while raising it with Chris, (vice versa if you pick demand) but between the two options I think explain comes off as sassier

- Threaten Mike as Matt to lower their relationship

- Protest Emily’s request to go back for her bag

* Despite it seeming sweet Matt is worried about his GF, threatening Mike actually raises his relationship with Emily so protesting will immediately put it back down

- Encourage Matt to look in the telescope as Ashley

* Snowball fight is mostly irrelevant except for this next step, deck Mike to your hearts content

- Hit the bird during the snowball fight

- Shove a snowball in Mike’s face

* The ice sickle QTE afterwards doesn’t matter as Mike will save Jess if she doesn’t push them out of the way first

Bonus: mislead Matt when he initially asks to look through the telescope before conceding afterwards, this basically lets Matt know that Ashley at least momentarily tried to deceive him and then proceeded to be a complete pushover after a little prodding

CHAPTER 2

- Gossip with Josh as Chris as worry raises their relationship

- Be unsettled when talking to Ashley as Chris since confident raises their relationship

- This is a bit hard to miss, but if you walk down (basically opposite of where Ashley is sitting) you can talk to Matt. Ask him how he Emily are doing. This will upset him since he looked through the telescope earlier.

- Basically keep telling Josh to stop being a creep when he talks to Chris about Ashley since agreeing with him raises their relationship

* Talking with Sam doesn’t have any dialogue choices

- Fight Mike as Matt (pick warn followed by attack) this will set Matt’s relationship with every character except Emily to almost zero

Now for a section I like to call Being a Horrible Boyfriend starring Michael Munroe: Part 1

- Jessica will ask Mike about Matt, I forgot what the exact option is called but you want to downplay what happened instead of being openly mad at Matt so Jessica can call bullshit on you

- Ask Jess what she remembers about the prank to be insensitive and lower their relationship

- When Jessica falls into the mineshaft, be as unhelpful and unheroic as possible, do not willingly jump down (Mike will eventually do so on his own after Jessica complains enough) to lower their relationship

- Be grumpy about the bird to lower their relationship

Back to our regularly scheduled programming

- Be mocking about Chris and Ashley as Sam to lower her relationship with Josh

- Tell Josh that “it’s weird to be back” when he tells Sam he’s glad she came

- Pick up the baseball bat while Josh is doing Josh things

- Select humorous, this causes Sam to bring up Josh’s daddy issues and lower their relationship

- Do not high five him. This doesn’t effect stats or anything but it’s about the disrespect.

* Choosing to prank him or not does not affect their relationship

- Choose to investigate the noise together since picking heroic raises their relationship

Bonus: intentionally fuck up the selfie as Mike with Jess

CHAPTER 3

- Be flippant about the spirit board as Ashley to lower her relationship with Josh

* Pick any options you want during the seance, just be sure you don’t apologize since we are unrepentant bitches

Being a Horrible Boyfriend starring Michael Munroe: Part 2

- Be angry about getting pranked

- Do not cross the bridge, instead walk down towards the camera until you discover a tree with E+M surrounded by a heart

- Interact with it, and then make Mike deny it was him and blame it on Emily in a display of toxic masculinity and lower his relationship with Jess

- Kill the deer as Mike because animal cruelty

- Go into the old shed and pick up the mask inside

- Choose scare to be an asshole (and lower their relationship)

- During the chase sequence, pick all the safe options (or let time run out prompting Jess to take the lead), and make sure not to help Jess and unlock the door instead

- Pick up the rifle near the front door and select scare to lower their relationship and be an even BIGGER asshole

- Dismiss Jessica’s insecurities, pick seduce to further ignore her emotional vulnerability, and just generally use your intuition to be an uncaring dick to lower their relationship

This ends our series of Being a Horrible Boyfriend starring Michael Munroe

- Show Ashley the letter as Chris, as being protective implies we care

CHAPTER 4

- For once we wanna be a good boyfriend as Mike and save Jessica during the chase (pick all the risky options, jump instead of shimmy, and get through the QTE’s)

* This is a setup so we can give her a sadder death with Matt in the caves

- Choose to save Ashley as Chris, this lowers his relationship with Josh and makes him bitter later on

CHAPTER 5

- Touch the waving hand. Let the intrusive thoughts win.

- Choose to pry free twice, before cutting off your fingers with the newly dulled blade to cause Mike more suffering

- Kick the dog :(

- Do not feed the dog :(

- Tell Emily to squeeze through the window as Matt, she will deny him since our relationship is low and choosing this lowers it further

- Disagree when Emily says to go to the radio tower to lower their relationship

- When Emily falls off the ledge you’re shimmying on, do nothing to help her (she’ll pull herself up on her own but be pissed)

- Get caught by the Psycho as Sam (literally just stand there)

CHAPTER 6

- Rebuke Emily as Matt to lower their relationship

- Kill the elk as Matt, but don’t let him fall off the cliff since we need him alive for now

* You cannot miss any quick time event as he’s climbing back up or he will fall to his death so be extra careful

- Do not give the flare gun to Matt as Emily to lower their relationship

- Immediately fire the flare gun so that we guarantee Emily gets bitten later (having the unused flare gun lets you avoid this)

- Be completely un-compliant with the man on the radio and do the opposite of what he tells you

- Confront Emily about her and Mike as Matt on the tower and be generally unhelpful

- Choose jump to safety both times and by this point Emily should despise Matt

- Insist you saw the ghost as Ashley to Chris to lower their relationship

- Look at the catalogue of lightbulbs in the basement to have Ashley pick up the scissors

- Have Ashley be dismissive towards the prank when talking to Chris to lower their relationship

- Be reluctant at continuing on because we hate our friends

- Enter the door which I believe is in the room with the hitlist, you’ll find a projector inside. Be sure to interact with it

- Be unrepentant about the prank when Chris comments on it to Ashley to lower their relationship

- Don’t follow Chris because splitting up is stupid and thus you want to do it

- Stab the psycho as Ashley, this makes Chris punch Josh later

- Aim the gun at Ashley first to distress her cause we’re evil

- Shoot her as Chris to lower their relationship to 0

CHAPTER 7

- Do not show concern for Mike or Jessica as Sam after getting rescued as this will raise her relationship with them, focus on factual choices like asking how he got there and such

- Play through Emily’s section normally, just be sure to continue not getting unnecessary clues

- Dismiss Josh as Chris to lower their relationship

- Be angry with Josh as Chris to lower their relationship

* Because we chose to save Ashley over Josh, he will antagonize Chris here and further lower their relationship

- Hit Josh and Chris with the plywood to lower his relationship with Josh and lose Mike’s respect

CHAPTER 8

- Survive the encounter with the wendigo as Emily so we can give her a more tragic death later on (just don’t fail too many QTE’s)

- Be confused as Chris when talking to Emily and do not show any concern for her or Matt

- As Chris, demand to have the pistol from Mike, he will deny you because you hit Josh earlier in the shed

- Survive the encounter with the wendigo as Chris all the way through, Ashley will refuse to let him in once he makes it to the house, letting the wendigo kill him

- Shoot Emily as Mike in the basement which puts his relationship with every character present at 0

- Hide the truth as Ashley from Sam since Sam will immediately figure out she is lying and their relationship will drop to zero

CHAPTER 9

- Once the action sequence as Mike starts, put your controller down and enjoy some relaxation as him (and the doggy :( ) get pummeled

- Investigate voice as Ashley

- Open the thumping trap door to get Ashley killed as you won’t have the opportunity to do so later

CHAPTER 10

- Let Matt get smacked by Jessica because funny

- Do not ask Jessica if she is alright as Matt since we do not want to show empathy

- Choose hide during the chase scene, make sure to catch Jessica before she falls

- Afterwards, choose abandon Jessica

* Running ahead could be seen as accidental where as abandoning Jessica implies Matt is knowingly leaving her to die which is much worse

- Fail to close the door in time to get Matt killed

- “Come on shake your body, baby, do the conga!“ AKA fail all the don’t moves

You did it! You made all these characters into the worst versions of themselves they could possibly be.

[thisisadonaldduckblognow]

yes a thousand percent absolutely lets go

(firstly i am sorry my post put anyone to a point of feeling the need to apologize for or feel bad for being Very Into Leo’s character. as someone who is flagrantly Very Into Raph’s character, i promise i wasn’t trying to throw a stone in this glass house. i’ve gotten burnt out on a lot of fanon leo stuff but part of why im so !!!! about it is bc i too love leo’s characterization and potential.. i swear

catch me catching my brain and tone malfunctions behind dennys later, sorry again gang)

BUT YE I’LL TALK ABOUT MOVIE RAPH STUFF TO MY BEST CAPACITY ALL DAY

overall i honestly... totally get raph being hard to get a handle on in this respect. like it’s pretty difficult to pick where to start and how to express it even just in an informal tumblr analysis post, i still haven’t managed to put together any kind of fic myself LMAO. bear with me i will do my best!

so firstly there’s just the veritable gauntlet of “stuff raph experienced/was dealing with in the span of the movie” to consider, i think. 

- his fear and anxiety over his family’s safety, for which he always always feels personally responsible. when he called the retreat during that first fight with the krang, he was absolutely terrified-- and i can only imagine how much scarier it was after leo bailed on the escape pod. like, there’s no way raph was not hauling ass after leo the second he saw that happen.

= he takes a hit for leo, as in just barely stops it and loses a chunk of shell/plastron in the process. he sacrifices himself using his pod to get leo out of there safely (and there’s so much to be said about the fact that raph’s pod seems to be the only one that didn’t auto-activate. that only he and donnie seemed to know they even existed. there’s a whole talk they must have had right there, like raph would probably have had to ask specifically for this feature.)

- the krang try to intimidate answers out of him about the key, and when that doesn’t get them those answers, prime literally jams tentacles into his brain and roots around until he can find what they’re looking for. so that’s one bullet point on the list for outright mental violation. it looks/sounds very painful, not to mention terrifying. 

^^ and honestly, this point of suffering in particular is one that i think would be hardest for raph to actually bring up/talk about with his family. because none of them were there. none of them KNOW. and how do you explain that to them? how do you try to make yourself break that out when they’re already worried about the other stuff that happened to you and to everyone else? when part of you is guilty about it despite yourself, because so much of your identity is tied into being a protector that you can’t help but feel like you should have been able to wall that info off somehow and keep your family safe?

- gets infected by the krang and put into the big gross pod to... incubate, i guess? there’s so much unanswered about the point between brain torture and getting found by his family tbh. was he conscious and aware of being left alone in there? was that why he was so out of it even before the mutation?

- and then of course there’s said painful, grotesque body horror forced krang mutation that he has to go through once he’s out of the pod! thanks i hated it! like it seriously looks so gross and painful.

- ah yes and the mind control... being used as a tool and a puppet and specifically set out to hurt or even kill the family he loves and wants to protect. 

- the standard “we had our cool epic boss fight against the evil alien but he kicked our asses with one flick and then punched mikey and donnie all the way to staten island” physical roughage, too. leo portaled him after mikey and donnie so he could catch them. donnie took the brunt of the krang punch, and raph took the brunt of the hard landing (he is holding his side like he might have some rib issues, they all look rough af down there phew)

- leo’s sacrifice is leo’s sacrifice and definitely a leo development moment as an action itself, i’m never gonna say 'yep here’s how leo getting brutalized in prison dimension is all about raph’. i’m talking about the like, aftermath and pre-rescue emotional toll that that has etc etc etc. ftr.

point one there is obviously just the grief. like, raph is literally incapable of standing when it hits. he’s on all fours, he can’t open his eyes. i made a post comparing the caps of raph’s face getting stabbed and raph’s face when it was sinking in that leo was (apparently) Gone gone bc the expressions are nearly identical. like just. absolute agony. 

- and on top of that, i sincerely think that leo’s “you’re one to talk, hero moves are totally your thing” apparent last words are gonna stick with raph for a very long time. even after they save leo. the look on his face after leo says that... man. i think there’s a very real moment of raph going what have i done, what did i teach him? about the entire situation.

the way this is already tl;dr oh well SO IG SOME OF MY GENERAL TAKEAWAYS AND THINGS I THINK ABOUT WHEN IT COMES TO POST-MOVIE RAPH:

first and foremost. rip raph sufferer of some of the most intense eldest child syndrome i’ve ever seen. he feels bad that he got used to get his family’s location. he feels bad that he got used to harm and nearly kill his family. he probably feels bad that leo feels bad that his shell is damaged, smh. it’s guilt all the way down. the kind where he knows logically his family does not want or need apologies, that getting controlled was literally not his fault, but he feels bad anyway.

and like i said i get how it’s hard to get a handle on him for stuff, because raph is also... not super good at the emotional vulnerability sharing? it’s so wild because he’s very openly emotional and easy to read! he’ll cry during a sad movie scene and yell at a frustrating video game no problem, he’s very straightforward! but when it comes to sincere vulnerability and actually seeking comfort/closure about it, he has a big struggle vibe. good luck to the entire family bc every single brother is gonna be in a “oh but everyone else already has so much to deal with i don’t wanna pile more on with my problems” zone, i think. 

also just like. raph is a protector. that’s one of the core pillars of his sense of identity and worth. he takes care of his brothers. he keeps his family safe. and so so so much of what he went through or experienced in the movie went directly against that. raph, the big brother, the beating heart of the team, the one who takes hits, the overprotective mother hen, gets used to track down his family, and then gets used to hurt them. very nearly gets used to kill leo outright. isn’t there to take the hit for leo again at the end of the movie, is helpless as his little brother seemingly sacrifices his life to save them and the world. how does he come to terms with that? how does he feel like he still deserves the trust and faith that his family puts in him to keep being a rock? (they’re not scared of him, but he’s scared of him.)

and for real seriously how does he ever ever get around to dealing with that brain probe and the mutation specifically. his mind and his bodily autonomy got so deeply violated in the process of this movie. it’s scary! and painful! what kind of scenario would a writer even have to rig up to back him into enough of a corner to share those feelings with his family (who would absolutely want to comfort and support him)! it’s nightmarish stuff that’s gonna linger with him for the rest of his life. 

and in fact on the mutuation/mind control. i think the fact that leo was able to get through to raph just with words, that that was how he managed to break through the control, maybe means that raph was aware of what he was being made to do all along and just. unable to pull enough strength together to stop it before that point. woof.

idk idk if any of this makes real sense or helps for getting a handle on raph’s character at all tbh, it’s just a lot of me nonsensically putting him in a jar with a leaf and a stick for scientific observation ig. if ppl wanna hit me w questions or discussions about my personal opinions on my favorite boi feel free tbh

maybe the real raph character analysis was the hug and nightmare-free nap he probably desperately needs all along....... ah its too late hes dissociating on the couch. relatable.

[cyberphuck]

And yes, the literal constant anxiety over flies and inability to relax if I think one is even in the same room with me has severely degraded my quality of life and left me too exhausted to do anything at all, thanks for asking

The "mild aversion" has ramped up to "violently phobic paranoia" in a way I haven't experienced before and I'm really worried about it but, as always, have no idea who to turn to for help (and even if I did know, there's like a 75% chance that person would just ignore, belittle, or fail me and then send me on my way).

I really honestly hate being alive. The good times are brief and quickly overwhelmed by the broken-glass grind of mental illness. If I'm able to lift my head up at all, I'm immediately hit by six new things that have to be taken care of today, five of them involving paying money I don't have. I'll struggle all day to find a way to distract myself without getting overstimulated, and then, in the middle of the night, I'll realize how quickly time is running away from me, how much has been taken already by decades of traumatic disassociation, and I'll break down in tears and make a tumblr post that I'll delete in the morning because I hate the idea of making anyone else suffer the way I constantly do, knowing that things are very bad but being helpless to do anything about it.

People always say "I'm here to talk if you ever need to" and I love them for it, and I know they mean it, but what do we talk about? "That sure is a deep hole you're in." "Yeah." "Can you get out?" "No." "Have you tried--" "Yeah I tried all those things." "Oh. That really sucks."

Now both of us feel helpless, and you'll feel like the only thing you *can* do is keep me company, but I'm not good company. I'm dying, but not in a glamorous, quick or even interesting way-- just laying there, sweating, tucked under a blanket so nothing lands on my bare skin. I'm too tense to hug, too tired to have a conversation, not pretty enough for my face to be put on charity flyers. The best thing I can do is hurry up and die so that I can become a sad story you tell to other people, scrunching or stretching it to fit whatever point you're trying to make at the time.

I had a friend like that once.