#and this isn’t even getting into everything else cause i need to get off tumblr rn but

[sammygender]

but tbh even when i was a deangirl like 90% of deans appeal was that undercurrent of resentment and damage he has. how hes so damaged by his childhood but so unwilling to begin to heal because it would mean rejecting every brick he's built himself from - hes modelled himself on john, or how he imagined john to be (bc i actually truly think dean is and becomes way more macho and posturing than john ever was! and theres something to be said of how all his imitations of john are aesthetic, his jacket and his music and the beer he drinks, and how john was gone so Often, how we never see him in the flashback episodes save once (ofc doylist explanation is bc they didnt want to get the actor but).... the absence of a father ruling their life more than a father...).

and obviously that is going to lead to someone who cant Get Better or Break The Cycle cause he wed himself to it when he was 4 and has grown entwined with it and how is he meant to Really confront that? sure he can say 'my father was an obsessed bastard' or hurtle insults that sam's like john as a way to get under sam's skin and realise that he has #daddyissues but he'll always return back to the steady belief that john still tried his best and was still fundamentally good. like. family is hell. and dean's whole thing is and has always been the family.

[genshinluvr]

Amphoreus Amnesia

Pairings: Various HSR Men x Isekai'd!Reader

Summary: You suddenly vanish off the face of the universe with no trace for months. One day, the Astral Express receives a message from someone from another world, Amphoreus.

Note: I'm, like, still behind on HSR quests, so the newly added characters (Jiaoqiu, Moze, Mydei, Phainon, and Anaxa) will be out of character since I didn't meet some of them, nor have I interacted with them as much as I have with others. I'm going to be posting new fanfics based on the options from the poll from a while ago. The next fanfic that will be posted/updated is the LADS fanfic because it came in third place. My Discord server has been officially open for a little over a week now, but the link has expired. New Discord server links will be linked at the end of the fic. Anyway, I don't post anywhere else but on Tumblr (Genshinluvr), Ko-Fi (also Genshinluvr/Aaliah_exo), and AO3 (Aaliah_exo).

Warnings: Newly added characters will be ooc due to being behind on HSR quests, slight yandere Sunday?

Word Count: 8.3k

It’s been seven months. Seven months since you went missing, and no one has heard a single thing from you. No one— from the Herta Space Station to Jarilo-VI to the Xianzhou Luofu to Penacony— has given the Astral Express crew any updates on your whereabouts. There aren’t any sightings of you despite there being a search party working tirelessly to find you. Heck, even the Aeon of Destruction can’t get a hold of you, and it’s driving everyone crazy. The Astral Express remains in Penacony, assuming you’re probably lost in the Dreamscape, like how you were when you first set foot on the Planet of Festivities. But much to everyone’s dismay, there have been no sightings whatsoever.

The Astral Express crew stands before Sunday, Aventurine, Robin, Boothill, and Gallagher, all waiting to hear the possible updates on your whereabouts.

Sunday shakes his head, sighing. “I’m sorry, but there have not been any sightings of [Y/N], Mr. Yang. We have done everything we can to search for them, but it’s like they have disappeared without a trace.”

“Please tell me this isn’t like the similar incident a while back when it was [Y/N]’s first time visiting Penacony,” Aventurine sighs, rubbing his temples. “You all need to put them on a leash if that’s the case.”

Dan Heng, Caelus, and March glare at Aventurine in response to his comment. If only that were the case, because when that happened a few months prior, you were found hours later, safe and sound. But it’s been seven months. Seven. Months. 

Gallagher glares at Aventurine and elbows him in the ribs, causing the blond man to grunt. “I’m sorry, Aventurine, but are you new here? The Astral Express crew has requested us to search for [Y/N] for seven months. [Y/N]’s been missing way longer compared to the first incident.”

Before Aventurine can retort, Dr. Ratio approaches from behind and smacks him upside the head. Aventurine’s head snaps in Dr. Ratio’s direction, rubbing the back of his head while scowling at him. Dan Heng sighs, shaking his head. 

Dr. Ratio crosses his arms over his chest. “Have you tried contacting the Aeon of Destruction about [Y/N]’s whereabouts? They seem rather…” Dr. Ratio trails off, looking around Penacony as if trying to find the right word to describe your and Nanook’s relationship, “close with one another.”

Welt sighs, rubbing the bridge of his nose before explaining to Dr. Ratio that your and Nanook’s bond is special. Not special in the sense that an Aeon is attached to a human from another dimension, but special to the point where you two can communicate and meet each other through dreams. Caelus furrows his eyebrows. He could’ve sworn that the relationship between you and Nanook had been explained plenty of times before. 

“The Aeon of Destruction somehow channels his power to bring someone from another fucking dimension to our world is pretty damn impressive,” Boothill mutters, stroking his chin. “Never knew that was possible, but if you really want something or someone, anything is possible.”

Everyone makes their way back to The Reverie, now standing in the lobby of the hotel. As the Astral Express crew is getting ready to return to the Astral Express, a large group of familiar faces approaches.

“General Jing Yuan, what brings you here?” Dan Heng asks, trading looks with Caelus.

Jing Yuan smiles at Dan Heng and props his hands on his hips. The General subconsciously scans the crowd, searching for a familiar face. The very same face that suddenly disappeared off the face of the universe without a trace. Much to his dismay, the General does not see the face he yearns to see again after so long. After not receiving a response from the General of the Xianzhou Luofu, Dan Heng clears his throat. 

Jing Yuan blinks and rubs the back of his neck with a sheepish smile. “I, and the others, are here to inform you all that we have yet to find [Y/N],” Jing Yuan replies, his smile slipping off. 

“And judging by the look on your faces, none of you has been successful with the search either?” Blade asks, crossing his arms over his chest while scanning the hotel lobby. 

Welt shakes his head. With the large crowd gathering where the Astral Express crew is standing, guests at The Reverie Hotel can’t help but stare with curiosity. A large crowd of people from outside the Planet of Festivities, with members of The Family among the crowd, is bound to draw mass attention. 

“Let’s talk on the Astral Express. With matters like this, we don’t want to draw unwanted attention.” Welt says, motioning everyone to follow.

On the Astral Express, everyone gathers in the Parlor Car, staring at the large hologram of the maps the Astral Express crew has visited. The same place you could have disappeared to, but failed to be traced in any of the locations.

“Have any of you tried reaching out to Nanook by chance? The Aeon of Destruction is linked to [Y/N],” Luocha mutters, never taking his eyes off the hologram map for a second.

Caelus rolls his eyes. “The only person who can get in touch with Nanook is [Y/N]. Aside from that, none of us,” Caelus gestures to him and the other Astral Express members, “has a way to reach out to the Aeon.”

Moze rolls his eyes and pinches his glabella, annoyed with the outcome of the situation. “Great, so we’re at another dead end.”

The Shadow Guard throws himself on the nearest chair and buries his face into the palm of his hands. While Moze knew you for a short period of time, your presence grew on him, and Moze grew quite fond of you (even though he doesn’t want to admit it). For you to suddenly disappear without a trace for seven, almost eight, months feels suspicious. You didn’t even bring your phone with you, which is strange because Moze could’ve sworn that your screen time is past twelve hours a day. 

“I will do everything in my power to find [Y/N] and bring them back safe,” Argenti says, placing his hand over his heart. 

Sampo huffs, plopping down on the couch. “Not if I find my gumdrop first! I’m sure [Y/N] would rather have me save them than someone in a full suit of armor. What are you? Their knight in shining armor?” Sampo mutters, looking off to the side while pouting.

Argenti raises his eyebrows at Sampo’s comment, the corner of his lips curving up with amusement. Clearly, anyone with eyes can see that Argenti is, in fact, your knight in shining armor. There’s no denying it because he is the only one in full armor while others wear some armor in other parts of their bodies as an accessory. 

“We can’t just sit here and do nothing. If we give up now, who knows what could happen to [Y/N] the longer we stall,” Gepard says, hands balled into tight fists. “I’m sure they’re somewhere out there. We can’t give up.”

Luka holds his hands up, raising his eyebrows at Gepard’s outburst. “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who’s saying that we’re giving up? I've got all the time in the world to look for [Y/N]. In fact, the longer this drags out, the more motivated I feel to keep on pushing,” Luka says, jumping in one spot while stretching his shoulders. 

While the men converse with each other and plan out the next step, Jiaoqiu's ears perk up when hearing something strange. The muttering around him makes it nearly impossible for Jiaoqiu to pinpoint where this strange noise is coming from. The foxian healer closes his eyes and listens closely, drowning out the chatter around him. There’s a beeping sound coming from somewhere in the Parlor Car.

“Does anyone else hear that beeping noise, or am I going crazy?” Jiaoqiu speaks up, grabbing the other’s attention.

Everyone in the Parlor Car goes silent, trying to hear what Jiaoqiu is hearing. The longer everyone sits in silence, the louder the beeping becomes for Jiaoqiu. The foxian healer gets up from his seat and slowly walks to where the beeping is coming from, his ears perked up, twitching each time the beeping goes off. 

“You have an interstellar message. Please check it promptly,” says the system.

March peeks from Welt’s shoulders, confused. “Interstellar message? Who could it be from?” March mutters, crossing her arms over her chest as she watches the older man tap on the screen. 

Almost immediately, a hologram of the sender of the interstellar message materializes before everyone. The man, muscular with shoulder-length ombre blond and red hair, crosses his arms over his chest, staring—no, glaring—at everyone in the Astral Express. The man doesn’t say anything, but continues to glare at whoever his eyes land on.

The blond man clears his throat. “Is this the Astral Express?” He asks, his deep voice filling the silence of the Astral Express.

Welt nods. “Yes, this is the Astral Express. May I ask who I am speaking to?” Welt asks, crossing his arms over his chest.

“I am the Crown Prince of Kremnos, Mydeimos, but you can all call me Mydei. Several months ago, the world of Amphoreus received a distress signal about a missing person who goes by the name of [Y/N].” Mydei says, letting his arms fall to his side.

After hearing the mention of your name, everyone in the room immediately straightens up and walks over to where the hologram of Mydei stands. From the other side of the hologram stands the glorious Crown Prince of Kremnos, who tries to keep his composure while ignoring the bickering in the background. Mydei’s yellow eyes scan every person who shows up on the hologram.

“We should demand a reward for finding this missing person!” The white-haired man loudly whispers from behind Mydei.

The greenish-gray-haired man scoffs in response. “Are you an idiot? Who would demand such a thing after discovering—”

Mydei’s head snaps in the duo’s direction, shutting them up immediately. Mydei scowls at them, as if telling them to shut the hell up and let him speak to the people on the hologram. Mydei takes a deep breath and turns back to the Astral Express crew (and others), fixing his composure.

“Helloooo? What were you going to say about [Y/N] and the distress signal?” Sampo asks, waving his hands to grab the Crown Prince’s attention.

Gepard sighs, rubbing the bridge of his nose while shaking his head. “Have you ever thought of keeping your mouth shut? Let Mr. Yang speak to the Crown Prince of Kremnos.” Gepard mutters, glaring at Sampo from behind his hands.

Sampo laughs and gives Gepard and the other men on the Astral Express an apologetic smile before gesturing for Welt to take over. Welt sighs, turns back to the hologram of Mydei, and nods to the Crown Prince to continue where he left off. Mydei goes into detail about finding you in Amphoreus, heavily injured and unconscious, barely hanging onto life. 

Caelus’s eyes nearly pop out of his skull. “What do you mean [Y/N] is in Amphoreus!? How did they end up over there?! We have yet to set foot in your world!” Caelus exclaims, running his hands through his hair. 

The white-haired man pops up on the hologram beside Mydei. “That’s a mystery for us, too! Imagine how confused we were when we saw an outsider, who fit the missing person’s description, in our world.”

An arm appears out of nowhere on the hologram, grabbing the white-haired man by the ears. “Dammit, Phainon. Don’t butt into conversations that has nothing to do with you,” a mysterious voice hisses, yanking Phainon out of view.

“But Anaxa!” Phainon whines, swatting at the arm while being dragged out of view.

Mydei rubs his temples, sighing and shaking his head. The Crown Prince apologizes to Welt before proceeding where he had left off before being interrupted by Phainon and Anaxa. 

“If you wish to see [Y/N], you are welcome to do so. That is why I reached out to the Astral Express, because I know you all have tirelessly searched the cosmos for them. However, there is an issue…” Mydei trails off.

Dan Heng stares at Mydei, fists clenched at his side. “What is the issue aside from [Y/N] being heavily injured?”

Phainon peeks from Mydei’s shoulders. “You’ll have to see for yourselves. It’s best to be here in person when given more information on their condition,” Phainon says before disappearing.

And with that, the communication between the Crown Prince and the Astral Express ends there. Gallagher sighs, crossing his arms. “The Aeon of Destruction is not going to like this if we ever get in touch,” Gallagher mutters, shaking his head.

Gallagher is, in fact, correct. The moment you open your eyes and find yourself in a strange place, floating before a giant being—a handsome giant being— you nearly have a panic attack. Sure, the giant white-haired being is handsome and shirtless, but seeing someone that huge is certainly a sight to behold. 

The giant person suddenly disappears and is now standing before you as a regular-sized human. What is a regular-sized? He’s over 193 cm, practically towering over you like a skyscraper. His tough demeanor crumbles as he pulls you into his arms, letting out shaky breaths.

“You’re okay, little one. I’m so glad to see that you’re okay,” the white-haired man whispers into your hair, caressing your head.

You subconsciously wrap your arms around his waist, melting into his warm embrace. You can’t find the words to describe how you feel. The stars around you glimmer, casting a gentle glow. Everything feels so familiar, and yet, you don’t remember this person standing before you. You pull away from the hug, staring up at him, wordlessly.

The man cups your face in his large hands, looking deep into your eyes. “Little one, is there something wrong? Say something,” he pleads, gently brushing your cheek with his thumb.

You continue to stare at the man, breathless. He looks and feels so familiar, and yet you don’t remember his name or the memories you two once shared before regaining your consciousness.

“Who are you?” You whisper.

Hearing your question causes the world around you and this mysterious man to shake and crumble. You look around, terrified of what’s happening. The man in front of you quickly regains his composure, trying to remain cool, calm, and collected for you. 

The man reaches for your hand and gently squeezes it. He then pulls your hand towards his face and presses a delicate kiss on your knuckles. “My name is Nanook. I am the Aeon of Destruction,” he says, his eyes never leaving your face. 

“Nanook…” you whisper, staring at him with awe.

The universe around you starts to fade along with Nanook. You look at Nanook, panicked. Nanook sighs, shaking his head. As the world around you fades, you start to hear voices around you. It’s like you’re underwater; the voices are muffled but gradually becoming louder as you regain consciousness. 

“Dear Aeons! They look horrendous!” Someone gasps in horror, startling you awake.

The room goes silent.

“Keep your voices down, dammit! Look what you did! You scared them before they could even fully regain their consciousness!” Another person, with a heavy southern accent, hisses with a smack accompanying the voice. 

You crack your eyes open, flinching and squinting when the ceiling lights blind you. You cover your eyes for a moment, trying to adjust to the brightness. Once you have adjusted to the brightness of the room you’re in, you can’t help but be startled when you’re met with multiple eyes on you, staring at you with anticipation. 

The redhead in full armor sighs, placing his hand over his chest. “Oh, thank Idrila, you’re okay,” the man says, beginning to walk towards you, only for a blond man (also in armor) to stop him by grabbing his shoulder.

“Mx. [Y/N], how are you feeling?” The man with wings for ears—wait, he does have human ears too… are the wings real?— asks, approaching your bed with a man with long blond hair.

You stare at each man in the room, not saying a word. They all trade looks, worried that the injuries you have sustained may have a greater impact than anticipated. The man with long blond hair stands over you, reassuring you that he’s going to check up on you after getting a nod of approval from the Crown Prince.

“Everything seems fine from what I’m seeing,” the blond man murmurs.

A tall man with long white hair turns to the Crown Prince, crossing his arms over his chest. “This Phainon person mentioned wanting to talk about [Y/N]’s condition in person. What is it that you want to discuss with us, Mydei?”

The Crown Prince opens his mouth to respond, only to close it before he could get a single word out. Mydei turns to you, giving you a fake smile. “We will be right back,” he says, giving the guests a look and gesturing for them to leave the room.

Confused, everyone slowly piles out of the room, muttering under their breath. The man with long blond hair soon follows the others once the majority of them have left the room. You watch the door close, now alone with your own thoughts. These men seem to know you, but you don’t know them. Or do you? You don’t have any recollection of any of these men, but this strange feeling in your chest feels unbearable. Out of all the injuries you have sustained, the one that hurts the most is your head. You subconsciously reach the back of your head, feeling the bandages wrapped around your head. The gauze feels thick and hard under your touch. You inspect your body, staring at every bandage, gauze, and cast hugging your body.

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY LOST THEIR MEMORY?!” Someone bellow from the other side of the door.

You shrink back into the bed, only to hit the back of your head against the bed frame. You groan, clutching your head, closing your eyes. Gentle yet calloused hands cover your hand, making you peek from one eye while continuing to clutch your head.

“Don’t hurt yourself, now, little one,” Nanook murmurs, kneeling beside the bed.

You stare at Nanook with wide eyes, questioning how he managed to enter your room without being seen by the others outside the door. Before you can say anything, the door opens and the men file into the room, only to stop when they see Nanook beside you.

The foxian man crosses his arms over his chest, sighing. “See, I told you all that I wasn’t hallucinating.”

The blond-haired man with a fedora chuckles, propping his hands on his hips. “It’s good to see you again, Aeon of Destruction. Who knew that Mx. [Y/N] can summon you just like that?” the blond man chuckles.

Nanook glares at the group of men in front of you and proceeds to tuck your hair behind your ear, eyeing every part of you with concern. 

You clear your throat, eyes drifting over to the Crown Prince. “How long have I been out for?” You ask, your voice hoarse. 

“You’ve been unconscious for four months. You’re very fortunate that you didn’t succumb to your injuries,” Mydei says, crossing his arms over his chest. 

The gray-haired man narrows his eyes at the Crown Prince. “You’re telling me that [Y/N] has been in Amphoreus for four out of the seven months they were declared missing? And you didn’t inform us about this?” 

“Moze, I understand you’re frustrated with the situation, but it’s best to calm down—”

The man with long, dark hair shakes his head. “I agree with Moze, Dr. Ratio. The search for [Y/N] could’ve been cut short if we were informed of [Y/N]’s conditions and whereabouts three months ago.”

You press your lips into a thin line, unsure what to say, nor do you want to interfere with whatever is happening. From what you have gathered, you went missing for seven months and were in Amphoreus the entire time. You’re injured, but got lucky and didn’t die. Either you were truly lucky, or it’s a cruel fate because now you have to live to recover from these injuries, not only that, but you lost your memory.

A month later, you’re sitting in the hospital garden, still in Amphoreus. Of course, you’re not alone— these men refuse to let you be alone in another world. Within a month, you’re reintroduced to the eighteen (twenty-one if you count Anaxa, Phainon, and Mydei) men you once knew before your amnesia. They’re nothing but sweet and will spoil you with every chance they get.

Sometimes, when you’re in need of a girl friend to chat with, March and Himeko (who also had to reintroduce themselves to you) would spend time with you. They would tell you everything you have forgotten about, and what has happened within the seven months you have vanished off the face of the universe. You can’t help but feel loved after hearing how much people cared about you despite not being your family. Speaking of your family… what happened to them? You’re brought out of your thoughts when someone waves their hand in front of your face, trying to grab your attention after you have zoned out.

“I brought you lunch! I heard it’s a local specialty on Amphoreus,” Caelus says, plopping down in front of you and placing the plate on your lap. 

You smile at Caelus. “Thank you for bringing me lunch, Caelus. I feel bad for having you guys run around to bring me things while I’m sitting,” you mutter, grabbing the silver cutlery. 

Caelus smiles and kisses the side of your head without thinking, causing you to freeze momentarily before quickly regaining your composure. You peek from the corner of your eyes to see Caelus’s reaction, but he continues to dig into his food and eat like nothing happened. 

“Are you sure you’re okay, [Y/N]? You haven’t been acting like yourself,” Dan Heng says, entering the garden with his lunch in his hands. “We’re all worried about you.”

You smile at Dan Heng and nod wordlessly. Caelus’s actions threw you off, but it’s not like you didn’t like it. It felt familiar for some reason, as if he had done this plenty of times before you went missing and lost your memory. What are you to these men?

You proceed to eat the lunch Caelus brought to you, lost in your thoughts. While eating and zoning out, someone reaches towards you and wipes the corner of your lips, pulling you out of your head. You lock eyes with Sampo, who grins at you as a result. Your face heats up, and you quickly look away, unsure of how to process what has happened. Sampo snickers at your reaction before plopping down beside you, sandwiching you between him and Caelus.

“What’s keeping that pretty head of yours occupied, gumdrop?” Sampo asks, nudging your side before scarfing down his lunch.

You shake your head. “It’s nothing. I’m just zoning out as per usual. You know how I am,” you joke. “I think. I don’t even know who I am or what I’m like before this freak accident.” You mutter, shoulders slumping after realization hits you.

The men trade looks, their hearts sinking into the pits of their stomachs. It’s been a month since they have reunited with you in Amphoreus since your sudden disappearance, only to find out that you sustained life-threatening injuries along with having amnesia. It’s a long road to recovery, but thanks to Amphoreus’s technology, Luocha and Jiaoqiu’s medical knowledge and skills, your healing journey was shortened. 

Although most of your injuries have healed, your memories have yet to be restored. So, every man has decided to make it their mission to get you to fall in love with them again! While you and they aren’t exclusively dating—well, with Nanook, that’s a different story— they want to get you to fall in love with them again, little by little.

It started just fine at the beginning of the new month, but then they realized that it was taking way too long, and some people (Sampo, Caelus, Argenti, etc.) aren’t nearly as patient as the others (Mr Yang, Jing Yuan, Sunday, etc.). While that is happening, Nanook’s been feeding you small information about how you end up in another dimension. Though Nanook didn’t outright say that he brought you to his dimension because he took a liking to you, he didn’t want to scare you off and potentially break the bond you two have with each other, for who knows how long you’ve been in their dimension.

As for the men who occupy the world you and the others are currently in, they have been silently watching you from a distance. However, Phainon has been more than eager to befriend and get to know you more. He’s the sweetest and most welcoming person on Amphoreus. Despite not knowing each other much, he tries to make you feel comfortable and would banter with you at every chance he gets. Mydei, on the other hand, has been trying to keep it professional, but would sometimes let his demeanor slip and spend time with you after he forces the other men to leave your temporary room. Mydei has been telling you tales of his battles and exploration, and is incredibly proud of his achievements. 

As for Anaxa… he’s a little bit aloof in your opinion, mainly because you don’t know him well enough. On days when you don’t have visitors (incredibly rare, but there are days when the men aren’t allowed to spend time with you for over two hours), Anaxa would pop by your room and teach you about Amphoreus, going on tangents about philosophy and other things your mind cannot comprehend at the moment (because he pops by at the ass crack of dawn while you’re still sleeping, peering over you and watching you sleep until you wake up because you can feel his eyes burning holes into your head).

“What the— Anaxa!? What are you doing here? The sun’s not even up yet!” You whisper loudly, rubbing your eyes with your knuckles.

Anaxa holds up a book thick enough to knock someone out with one hit. “Would you like to hear more reasons why I challenge the prophecy?” Anaxa asks, peeking from the top of the book.

You and Anaxa stare at each other in the darkness, not saying a word. Sometimes you forget that whenever Anaxa goes on one of his tangents, you tend to fall asleep, but Anaxa doesn’t mind one bit because he gets to talk to someone. Even if they’re knocked out asleep, then again, he will catch you up to speed on what you missed out on after falling asleep. It’s kind of cute. You let out a long sigh, turning on your side and hugging the extra pillow to your chest. 

“What the hell, sure.” You shrug. 

Anaxa’s eyes light up as he pulls up a seat beside your bed before starting.

Gepard kneels before you, grabbing your unoccupied hand. “How’s your head feeling?” He asks softly, massaging your knuckles while staring at you intently.

You smile at Gepard, squeezing his hand in return. “My head’s feeling okay, I guess. It’s extremely frustrating that I lost my memories and can’t do anything about it,” you reply, smiling at Gepard ruefully. 

Boothill struts up to you and Gepard, sitting on the chair's armrest. “I think if we hit you on the back of your head just as hard as you hit your head eight months ago, maybe you can get your memories back!” Boothill smiles, crossing his arms over his chest, looking smug.

You stare at Boothill, mouth agape. Gallagher, Sunday, Mr. Yang, Blade, Mydei, Anaxa, Dan Heng, Luocha, and Jiaoqiu all sigh simultaneously, shaking their heads in disapproval. You rub the back of your head, unsure how to respond to Boothill’s suggestion. 

Luocha rubs the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes. “Boothill, that’s not how it works. Giving [Y/N] another head injury will not recover all of their memories,” Luocha mutters, giving the Galaxy Ranger the side eye.

Before you can say something, someone places their hands on your shoulders, startling you. You look up to see Nanook standing behind you, glaring at Boothill. Ah, he probably heard Boothill’s suggestion. Nanook grabs you by the waist and throws you over his shoulders. The men around you grumble with protests, crossing their arms over their chest while glaring at the Aeon of Destruction.

“Wait, Nanook, I’m still eating.” You protest, peeking from Nanook’s shoulders. “Put me down, I want to finish my lunch.” You pat the Aeon’s shoulders, trying to get the man to put you down. 

Nanook wordlessly hands you a cup of Immortal’s Delight. You stop what you’re doing and stare at the sweet drink in his hands before grabbing it. You take a sip and hum happily, the sweetness flooding your taste buds.

Luka looks away, his face almost as red as Argenti’s hair. “Hey, I don’t know if you’re aware of the length of the hospital gown, but…” he trails off, the redness of his face traveling up to the tip of his ears. 

Your eyes widen and your hand shoots up to cover your exposed ass. It’s not like you’re completely naked underneath the hospital gown, but you didn’t want anyone to see your underwear! You unintentionally flashed everyone in the garden, good heavens. Nanook immediately places both hands on your butt, covering your underwear from everyone’s sight while glaring at every person. 

Gallagher huffs out a laugh, leans back in his seat, and crosses his arms over his chest. “Why are you looking at us like it’s our fault that we see [Y/N]’s underwear? You’re the one who lifted and tossed them over your shoulders,” Gallagher shakes his head.

Nanook rolls his eyes and turns around, walking towards the building with you draping over his shoulders, slurping down the Immortal’s Delight without a care in the world. Once you and Nanook are out of earshot, Argenti stands up and starts trailing after the two of you. 

Aventurine raises his eyebrows. “Uh, where are you going, Argenti?” Aventurine calls out to the redhead.

Argenti turns around, crossing his arms over his chest. “Following after [Y/N] and Nanook, what does it look like? I refuse to let them have some alone time while we sit to the side,” Argenti replies.

Argenti turns around before continuing to follow after you and the Aeon, making sure not to get too close or else he’ll face Nanook’s wrath for trying to cockblock. After hearing Argenti’s response, the others immediately leave their spots (with their food and drinks) and follow Argenti.

Another month goes by, and there’s finally some progress with your memories gradually recovering. As days go by, bits and pieces of your memories will hit you randomly throughout the day. Sometimes these memories from however long ago would hit you while you’re sleeping, making you assume it was just a dream, when, in fact, it was not a dream at all.

“I had a dream where I got lost in Penacony and had to be saved by Gallagher,” you passively mentioned at breakfast one day.

Mr. Yang clears his throat. “That wasn’t a dream, sweetheart. It happened nine months ago,” Mr. Yang replies, no longer eating his breakfast. 

You stare at the older man, mouth agape. Wait, huh?! The people sitting around you all nod in response to your questioning look. 

You shake your head and wave your hand in front of you, still trying to process the information that your dream was actually reality, but it happened before your disappearance. “Wait, so that wasn’t a weird nightmare?” You squeak, staring at Mr. Yang and the others in disbelief.

Himeko and March give you a sympathetic look, both patting and rubbing your shoulder with comfort. You lean back in your seat, letting the information sink in. March reaches for your Immortal’s Delight, handing it to you, hoping it’ll snap you out of your inner turmoil. You wordlessly take the sweet drink from March’s hand, taking a sip of the drink while you continue to stare at the table in front of you. The longer you stare at the table and mindlessly sip the Immortal’s Delight, you can’t help but find yourself trying really hard to recall things that happened before you magically appeared at Amphoreus. 

“What about the time I died? Is that real, too?” You mutter, looking up at the men through your lashes.

Everyone in the room was tense at your question. Out of all the things you could’ve brought up, you chose one thing no one wants to remember. Jing Yuan clears his throat, placing his cutlery down on the plate.

Jing Yuan crosses his arms over his chest. “That is something we do not bring up or talk about for very good reasons, [Y/N],” Jing Yuan states.

The mere tone and body language of the General of the Xianzhou Luofu sends chills down your spine. It’s not that you’re afraid or nervous, it’s something you’re not used to. From what you can recall, Jing Yuan has always been sweet to you and would spoil you with every chance he gets. However, this sudden shift in tone and body language when you brought up the topic of your death was something you didn’t expect. 

You hesitantly nod. “Okay, I won’t bring it up,” you mutter against the straw.

Later that day, you’re in Eternal Holy City Okhema, hanging out with the others. While the others are engrossed in their surroundings, you sit to the side, trying not to be engulfed by your inner turmoil. Blade sits beside you, occasionally glancing at you. You close your eyes, sighing.

“What’s on your mind?” Blade mutters.

You hug your legs to your chest and rest your chin on your knees. “A lot of things are occupying my thoughts, Blade. It’s been nothing but bothersome,” you whisper, pressing your lips into a thin line.

“What could be occupying your head? It’s better to let things come to you naturally, no?” Dr. Ratio mutters, now sitting beside you while ignoring the glare Blade shoots in his direction.

So much for having some alone time with you.

You puff your cheeks out in frustration and run your hands through your hair, tempted to tug at the roots. That is what you’re doing, letting all of your memories come back to you in bits and pieces without trying to force them to return to you. Dr. Ratio grabs your hand, gently pulling it away from your head, and places your hand onto his lap. Blade narrows his eyes at Dr. Ratio, as if he’s mentally plotting the man’s demise. 

“You guys already know how I am. Why can’t you guys tell me a few memories you have of me to help speed up the process?” You grumble, watching Dr. Ratio play with your hand.

“If we did tell you a memory we have of you, would that really help you regain your memory?” Sunday interjects, now standing before you with his hands propped on his hips. “I understand that it’s frustrating to walk around with little to no memory of who you and those around you are, but you cannot force yourself to regain your memories.”

You huff in response, crossing your arms over your chest. “You’re regurgitating information I already know, Sunday. At least, once we return to the Astral Express, I won’t have to deal with your calculating stares. You kind of intimidate me, Sunday.”

Sunday stares at you, unsure whether he should be offended by your comment or feel relieved that you remember that you find him intimidating. Wait, does he have a calculating stare? Sunday turns to Blade and Dr. Ratio for confirmation, only to see both of them nodding already without having to ask verbally. 

You quickly interrupt before Sunday can ask, “Don’t take it personally, Sunday. I usually find pretty people intimidating, and you happen to be one of them.” You shrug, rubbing your now throbbing temples, “You and those pretty angel wings behind your ears.” 

Sunday stares at you with amusement, the corner of his lips curving up. The halovian looks away, his cheeks turning bright red at your compliment. Oh, Aeons, if only you two were alone, then he could finally snatch you up for himself and claim you as his and his only. The mere thought of sharing you with other people, such as the Aeon of Destruction—a being that has nothing but lust for blood and destruction— disgusts Sunday. Is it too late to snatch you away for himself? This time, he will take you to the edge of the cosmos so no one can find both of you. It’ll just be you and him in another universe with no one else to interfere. He will make sure that no one can find both of you this time. 

“Hello, hello. What are we talking about over here?” Jiaoqiu asks, approaching your group with Moze by his side.

Moze crosses his arms over his chest, staring you down. “You’re not up to something, are you?” The gray-haired man asks, raising his eyebrows at you.

“What?! No! And even if I am, how would I pull it off with amnesia?” You grouse, glaring at the Shadow Guard.

Your glare doesn’t faze Moze as he and Jiaoqiu sit across from you, Dr. Ratio, and Blade. On the other hand, Sunday continues standing, deep in his thoughts, while staring at you. Dr. Ratio, Blade, Jiaoqiu, and Moze raise their eyebrows at Sunday before looking at each other, checking to see if the others around them notice Sunday’s strange behavior.

“Hey, you six! How’s it going over here? Are you guys enjoying Amphoreus after being here for two months?” Phainon asks, approaching your group with a cute smile. 

The five men don’t respond to Phainon at first, all staring at him with varying expressions. When Phainon’s cute smile morphs to an awkward one after not receiving an answer, Jiaoqiu politely answers for the group. Phainon turns to you, looking at you from head to toe, craning his head to look at every detail of you. It’s not new to you to have Phainon examine you, but for the others, it looks like he was shamelessly checking you out. Perhaps he’s doing both, who knows!

Mydei struts up to you, his arms crossed over his chest. “It’s time to return.” The Crown Prince states, not leaving room for protests.

“Huh? Already? But then I’m going to be holed up in my room doing nothing until tomorrow,” you mutter, staring at the Crown Prince in disbelief.

Anaxa stands beside the Crown Prince, holding up the same thick book he was rambling about a few days ago. “If you’d like, I can go over some things you missed out on after you fell asleep,” Anaxa suggests, flashing you that charming smile of his.

You stare at Anaxa and Mydei for a moment, conflicted. You could ask someone to get your phone for you, so you can keep yourself occupied while you’re on bed rest, but since you don’t remember your password and didn’t activate face recognition, that’s out of the options. After thinking for a few minutes, you shrug, looking at Anaxa.

“What the hell, sure,” you said, allowing Anaxa to drag you.

Even though you’ve been gaining your memories little by little, Mydei has advised you not to leave Amphoreus until you recover all of your memories. It sounds impossible because those who suffer amnesia can either regain their memories after a week, or it’ll take months. Heck, in some cases, there are people who never fully recover their memories after having amnesia. That’s one of your biggest concerns, but you’ve been quite fortunate not to have to be the third option. 

Despite being almost a hundred percent recovered, you wake up in your temporary room to a room full of red roses—not just any red roses, but the same red roses that are named after a certain Knight of Beauty. You rub your eyes, trying to process what you see. How in the world did Argenti manage to sneak over dozens of red roses into your room while you’re asleep?

Argenti stands at the edge of your bed, smiling at you. “Good morning, my beautiful red rose. What do you think? Only someone as beautiful as you deserves to wake up to being surrounded by roses.” He asks, gesturing to the wall of flowers surrounding you two.

Before you can respond to Argenti’s question, Sampo’s loud sneeze interrupts you. Everyone in the room flinches. You stare at Sampo, seeing him sniffle and rub his nose. Sampo gives you a sympathetic look, rubbing the back of his head.

“Are you okay, Sampo?” You ask, scooting close to the edge of the bed.

Sampo waves off your concern. “Oh, don’t worry about me, gumdrop! I’m just having slight allergies right now. Nothing to worry about! I can pop an allergy medication, and I should be fine,” Sampo says, giving you a thumbs up before sneezing into the crook of his arm.

Sampo turns to look at Luocha with an expectant stare, only for the blond man to pinch the bridge of his nose and sigh. Luocha digs into his pocket and pulls out a medicine bottle, handing it to Sampo without question. You raise your eyebrows at Sampo and Luocha. It seems like Luocha’s prepared for this specific moment.

Luocha shakes his head. “Don’t question it. I have to be prepared somehow, unless you want him to sneeze over twenty times in one day,” Luocha mutters, crossing his arms over his chest. 

The longer you stare at the roses around you, the more you can’t help but yearn for the outdoors. You hug your legs to your chest, resting your chin on your knees with a soft exhale. The men around you stare at you worriedly, wondering if you’re not satisfied with the number of roses in your room. If you want more, they can certainly get you more! All you have to do is say the magic word, and they shall make your dreams come true. 

Mr. Yang props his hands on his hips. “Is there something wrong?” He asks, examining you closely.

You smile and shake your head. “Not really, Mr. Yang. But I do want to know one thing…” You trail off, pressing your lips into a thin line.

Would they even allow it if you asked them? They wouldn’t be against it, would they?

“And that is…?” Dan Heng asks, raising an eyebrow at you.

Oh, fuck it. It’s not like they’ll be keeping you imprisoned on Amphoreus.

“When can I return to the Astral Express? How come you guys are allowed to return to the Astral Express, but I have to stay here?” You ask, leaning against the headboard of the bed.

After regaining consciousness, everyone would stop by Amphoreus and keep you company, but when it’s bedtime for you, they board the Astral Express for the night. Heck, some of them would return to Penacony, the Xianzhou Luofu, Jarilo-VI, and the Herta Space Station to tend to their duties.

Then there’s you: stuck on Amphoreus in your hospital room with nothing to do but watch the skies change color. Sometimes you’re allowed to walk around the hospital, but only if you’re given permission. Luocha would assist the doctors with your treatment, making sure you’re healing properly, and he would keep you company during your checkups (which are every other day). As for Jiaoqiu, he makes sure you take your medications—yes, by making you eat spicy food. It works, if you have to be honest. But it does make you use the toilet more than you would like, but hey, if it works, it works.

Moze raises an eyebrow at your question. “What? Are you not enjoying your time on Amphoreus?” Moze mutters, looking at Mydei, Phainon, and Anaxa from the corner of his eye.

You rub your temples, shaking your head. “What’s there to enjoy when I’m constantly cooped up in this room?”

“Uh, that’s not true! Remember, you were chilling in the hospital garden for lunch and we were at Eternal Holy City Okhema not long ago!” Boothill interjects, only to falter. “Now that I think about it, you seem more like a prisoner than a visitor on Amphoreus.” 

You scoot to the edge of the bed and stand up, stretching your legs. “I understand that my stay in this hospital is to monitor my healing progress, but I should be allowed to stop by the Astral Express once a week to say hi to Pom-Pom. I miss the little guy.”

Gallagher shrugs, nodding his head. “I mean, they have a point. Luocha and Jiaoqiu have been helping with the healing process; they should’ve been able to stop by the Astral Express after being mostly healed from their injuries.”

Despite being cooped up in your hospital room most of the time, Nanook did find ways to keep you entertained. Whenever you fall asleep, Nanook visits you in your dreams. He would create a world for you, a world you have never seen before (it could be Amphoreus; you have never explored Amphoreus before, so how would you know?). The skies are pink and blue; it’s warm but not uncomfortably warm. Every time you fall asleep, you and Nanook meet in that very same world, spending time together until you wake up.

You snap out of your thoughts when Dr. Ratio taps your forehead, trying to grab your attention. You grab Dr. Ratio’s finger, staring at him blankly. 

“Daydreaming while we try to explain to you about your conditions? How disrespectful,” Dr. Ratio mutters, reaching to pinch your nose. 

You smack his hand away and try to mimic him, only for him to grab your wrist and pull you into his arms. You’re tempted to protest, but getting a hug from Dr. Ratio is quite rare in your case. You don’t know the man long enough to breathe the same air.

Sunday glares at Dr. Ratio from afar. “Oi, would it kill you to be careful with them!?” Sunday hisses.

Dr. Ratio raises his eyebrows at Sunday, smirking with amusement. Dr. Ratio pats your head without taking his eyes off of Sunday. If anyone stares at Sunday long enough, maybe they’ll see steam coming from his ears.

Caelus clears his throat. “You can return to the Astral Express. You’ve been cleared by your doctor this morning before we started setting up the red roses in your room,” Caelus says, shrugging his shoulders. “If we do that, I would like to volunteer to show you my bedroom renovations!” Caelus props his hands on his hips with a proud smirk. 

You stare at Caelus, mouth agape. Were you gone for that long?! Caelus walks over to you, scrolling on his phone to find pictures of his newly renovated bedroom on the Astral Express. The gray-haired man hands you his phone, letting you swipe through the photos. Caelus has a bar, bathroom, gaming area, and living space in his room. 

You look at Caelus, handing his phone back. “Are you looking for a roommate by chance?”

Caelus snickers. “As long as the Aeon of Destruction doesn’t bunk with us, yes, I am looking for a roommate.”

“Not going to happen.” The men simultaneously say, glaring at Caelus.

March glares at Caelus. “We have our own rooms on the Astral Express for a reason, Caelus! Besides, [Y/N]’s room is cute and comfortable! Your room is doing too much on the Express,” March huffs, crossing her arms over her chest.

You shrug. “I think it’s an introvert’s dream. It’s kind of like a studio apartment, but on a train.”

March suddenly gasps, marching over to where you stand and cups your face in her hands, eyes wide with wonder. “Wait, does this mean you have your memories back!?” She shrieks, shaking you back and forth.

You squeeze your eyes shut and place your hands over hers, gently squeezing them. “I mean, they’ve been coming back little by little, if that’s what you’re implying.”

Luka furrows his eyebrows at you, walking towards you and March. “Wait, does that mean you remember what happened before you vanished for months?”

You shake your head. “Not really? I don’t remember that much. I remember most things that happened before I magically appeared on Amphoreus.”

People around you groan at another (temporary) dead end on the mystery of your disappearance. After getting you checked out of the hospital, everyone returns to the Astral Express, carrying the roses back to the train. As for Sampo, he’s giving you piggyback rides to the Astral Express so he wouldn’t have to carry his allergies onto the train. While your group is ahead, Phainon, Mydei, and Anaxa fall behind.

“Are we really not going to tell them?” Phainon mutters. “They’re going to hate us for this if they ever find out themselves.”

Mydei shakes his head, clutching the roses to his chest. “There’s no point in telling them. I’m sure [Y/N] will inform them when they remember. That is, if the trauma didn’t block out the memory,” Mydei mutters. 

Anaxa shakes his head. “I’m sure they’ll be fine if they find out themselves. Besides, if I recall correctly, this isn’t the first time [Y/N] died in this dimension.”

What they don’t know won’t hurt them, right? 

Note: Again, I sincerely apologize for not updating the HSR series in so long ;v; I'm still behind on the game. I have yet completed the Xianzhou quest with the Wardance and March being on the path of Hunt. While I work on the Love&Deepspace fanfic (it won't be too long since it's about 95% completed in the drafts), I'm going to try to catch up on HSR. It's going to take some time, though. I was informed that the Amphoreus quest from the start to the current quest is about 28 hours. If you're interested in joining my Discord server, the invite to my Discord server can be found [HERE]! The Discord server invite links will be different every time I post a new fanfic, and these links have expiration dates. Anyway, to all my new and returning readers, keep in mind that I ONLY post on my Tumblr (Genshinluvr), Ko-Fi (Genshinluvr/Aaliah_exo), and my AO3 (Aaliah_exo)! Nowhere else except Tumblr and AO3!

Taglist: No taglist for this update:) will be making a new one in the future

Read more of my works on my Grand Masterlist, which contains every masterlist I have created! | Maybe support me by tipping me on Ko-Fi or by reblogging my fanfics! ^^ I will also be posting exclusive fanfics on Ko-Fi as well very soon! I might post all of my stories there, too, but who knows? You can also tip me on Tumblr if you'd like as a way to show support! ^^

[everpresence]

i say this with love, but the more you learn about the law, the sooner you’ll realize that it no longer makes sense to continue seeking more guidance outside of yourself. it will no longer make sense to try to make sense of the law, to always look for the next “a-ha” moment only for the information to be the same. there’s literally nothing new to learn about the law, and you’re putting yourself in a cycle that seems to never end.

go cold turkey. get off of tumblr, facebook, instagram, reddit. stop watching LOA content, stop looking for advice on using the law, whether X Y Z is possible. stop listening to neville goddard’s lectures, stop looking for success stories, STOP. IT. ALL.

you no longer need to know whether you’re doing it “right” or “wrong,” because at the end of the day, it’s all you. it’s all up to your interpretation — YOU get to decide whether you’re doing everything “right” or “wrong.” YOU are the only one giving meaning to every single thing, no one else. therefore, your circumstances literally don’t matter.

and for the love of god-in-you, stop going around asking people if you can “manifest” A, B, or C. first of all, creation is finished 😭😭 you’re not even “manifesting” or “creating,” you’re just choosing what you want to experience. second of all, you’re on your own journey. why are you asking complete strangers on the internet for approval? HELLO? isn’t this YOUR life? your life that YOU have complete control over?

if you want to see whether you can have what it is you want, then put it to the test. JUST TRY IT. why are you letting the community stop you from having what you want? 😭

YOU have all of the answers to your questions. you are consciousness, and consciousness is the only reality. you are the cause. TRUST yourself.

[miyseilish]

maybe a miles 1610 x reader that he meets and is closed off and battles depression? sorry if it’s too much

I also requested this to someone else so sorry if theirs will be similar to yours 😣

Burden

Miles 1610 x Reader with Depression

warnings: heavy use of all lowercase, mentions of relapse and sh, bad formatting cause I don't write on tumblr.

a/n:: my first tumblr stories omggg, this request hit too hard to home :,), these are sensitive topics so it's ok if you click off. im here if you need to talk

ever since joining visions, you had always stayed to yourself. you never spoke or talked unless spoken too, even then it was short sentences.

Until miles came along, he was like a lost puppy to you. He always tried to talk to you or get you to speak.

It was either him always requesting to be your partner in schoolwork. Or he would glance at you every few minutes in class to check your wellbeing.

He noticed everything, every time you came into school tired. All the times you bounced your leg due to stress. He was always observant of you.

In class he caught you brushing an eraser against your skin.

“It’s gonna sting mariposa, stop hurting yourself.” He said, taking the eraser from your hand. That stupid nickname he always gave you made your blood boil.

You quickly attempt to snatch it from his hand but failed miserably.

“dude don’t take stuff that’s not yours, didn’t they say that in the assembly?.” You spoke half sarcastically

“Well not if you’re gonna do that with it.” He spoke bluntly. Yet with a hint of worry in his eyes.

“well it isn’t your concern.” you spoke, looking him right in his eyes.

“Now it is.” Miles said, “Plus it’s not clean. You can get infected.”

After that day, Miles payed extra attention to you making sure you weren’t gonna do anything stupid.

He became apart of the loop life was of for you. Everyday ended up feeling less dull and lifeless seeing him there.

As the days went on, you stopped your sassy remarks, well.. you just calmed it down a bit.

Miles was happy you started talking to him more. He enjoyed learning more about you, he started drawing you more in his sketchbook.

On weekends when you weren’t in dorms, he always swung past your home on his patrol to make sure your okay.

One day he knocked on your window, and it was the worst time.

You had relapsed, and you regretted it. It as a very rough week for you and you couldn’t get through it.

“Y/n?” Miles said opening your unlocked window, looking inside he saw you crying on the floor. quickly, he approached you.

“im fine.” you said trying to move away from his touch.

“No, you’re not.” Miles said sitting next to you, rubbing your back.

“talk to me, mariposa.” Miles said, that nickname that you hated so much brought slight comfort now.

You sniffled, rubbing your eyes.

“I just.. don’t wanna feel like this anymore. empty and angry all the time.”

“I understand it’s hard, I will be here for you please don’t be afraid to speak to me, you’re not a burden. You mean so much to me, even if you don’t wanna believe it.” Miles speaks pulling you closer to him.

you hated to admit it but you finally realized something you hadn’t for a long time.

the only reason you let him in, the only reason you haven’t smacked him in his face already.

He held your hand, slightly caressing your skin with his thumb.

“I’m sorry..” You muttered.

“for what?” Miles said.

You sighed, remembering he did act clueless a lot. “Being mean all this time. You’re too kind to me. I don’t deserve you.”

Miles smiled, he lifted your hand closer to his face. He started pressing soothing kisses on your knuckles to comfort you.

He realized what he was doing then stopped.

“Sorry.. I-“ He said before you interrupted him.

“No it’s okay, I love you.” you said shyly. It was the first time you would say those three words to someone.

Miles chuckled at your shyness, he then pressed a comforting kiss on your temple.

“cmon.. let’s get you cleaned up.”

© miyseilish 2025 - my work will not be reposted, copied, or paraphrased without my consent.

[blueberrysoaps]

hello i love your stuff so much!!

could you do hcs of what it’d be like dating shinso, sero, bakugo, kirishima, shoto, or tamaki if possible?? thank you so so much!!

HEYY of course Anonie!!

Ps. I wrote all these headcannons then my tumblr crashed before I saved 😭 so if there isn’t very much JUICE in them it’s cause I was sad about that

(I also didn’t write all of them cause I just had a really long week)

P.s.s sorry this took so long!

M.list

Join my Taglist

Shinso

He just always thought highly of you

Before you started dating he tried his best to get close without being in the “friend zone”

Seems like it worked

His favorite way to spend time with you is a shitty film on the tv, takeout from your guy’s fav place, and cuddles

It is heaven

Your arms?

10/10

It’s where he belongs.

I also think he’d enjoy going on bike rides on a breezy afternoon.

The wind flowing through your hair? Stopping to grab snacks on the way back? It’s gotten dark and the streetlights reflect off your hair?

Pinch him. For he must be dreaming.

He adores you but it’s so casual too

What’s the big deal? He only wants to be with you forever.

He’s spaced out? Just day dreaming about your future together.

Sero

You were friends first

It was always his goal to ask you out However, he was scared to

He genuinely wanted to be your friend. What if he ruined it?

I guess we’ll never know, cause there was no official confession

Your relationship naturally evolved into dating.

Your mutual friends would see you eye each other across rooms, and laugh about something they have no clue about

No one gets you like each other, everyone knows that.

From like, to “love you”’s in which parting, adding the “I” shortly after.

To the sincerest declarations on the darkest of nights

“I’m so in love with you. I never want you to leave.”

Bakugo

He was never open to dating, let alone actively seeking it out enough to catch something

He thought crushes were stupid, if you like someone you just say so.

He views pining as its own form of lying.

Until he saw how convicted you were

And your skill and hard work

Your eyebrows knitting together when you concentrated really hard.

Fuck.

It was a long road for him to accept his feelings enough to do something about it

And you WOULD have made the first move, if only he wasn’t so hard to read.

“You’re- almost as strong as me… and I respect you, or whatever…”

What he meant was “I like everything about you, and there’s no one else for me.”

Though he’d say he’d hate whatever about you endeared him.

His tone of affection gave him away every time.

He always wanted to focus on being Number 1. He thought anything was a distraction.

But you’re helping him meet his goal.

And he wants you up there with him, so “lock the hell in, dumbass.”

Kirishima

From the start it was very clear he was into you

Even if you’re usually oblivious to these things

Why hide his feelings when he could throw the ball into your court?

It’s the manly thing to do

As soon as it became clear you felt the same his search history just had “how to be a good boyfriend?” “What do girls like?”

Cause he wasn’t sure what he was doing but he knew he’d do it well at least!

And no matter what he’d research it was just the bare minimum over and over again

And for this he was very observant

He’d watch your favorite movies and tv shows, listen to your favorite music

All to put the shape of you together in his head

You often wonder how he always seems to do the right thing, know what to say

At first it was endearing and made you feel gushy

But it got kind of concerning

You tell him he doesn’t need to bend over backwards for you

He says “how can I say I’m the best boyfriend if I’m not even doing the basic stuff?!”

The basic stuff is romcom level gestures

All with a toothy smile and a casual demeanor of “yeah, I guess I’m pretty cool”

Not that you’re complaining

However if you even get him a small thoughtful gift or do a LITTLE gesture he’s fawning and smothering you with affection

Like it doesn’t go both ways or something?!

[spacesapphi]

"Moving Forwards and Spiraling Downwards Ch2"

No way, chapter 2! Apologies that this isn't the most exciting chapter, it's here to help set up some character dynamics for the most part. Chapter 3 on will have some more exciting premises :)

AO3 link here! :

Tumblr version under the cut!!

It was hard enough to not hate your job under normal circumstances. It was even harder in Shane’s case. Clocking in as the custodian in the cushy office building he worked in, doing all the gross work no one wanted to do, only for no thanks or acknowledgement drained him. Not to mention the pay, oh how he hated the pay. It was criminally low already for how expensive living in Zuzu City was, and he was using nearly half of his paycheck on babysitting for Jas. There was a daycare program for workers in the building, but it was reserved for the people whose jobs were “more important” than his, as his supervisor put it. It wasn’t fun, or desirable by any means, but he trudged through for Jas’ sake. He had prioritized her wellbeing over all else, and if doing a thankless job meant his goddaughter had what she needed, so be it. 

The sound of dress shoes clomping through the lobby he had just so thoroughly mopped echoed out. He could recognize exactly who it was just based on the sound alone; his supervisor. This was just going to be soooo much fun.

“Yoder, I want you in my office. Now.” His voice was gruff and unfeeling, sending a cool shiver down Shane’s spine. He closed his eyes tight, taking a deep breath, preparing his ‘customer service voice’ before he turned to face him. 

“Of course, I’ll be right there, Ben,”

“Excuse me?”

“I’ll be right there, sir,” Shane restated, putting an annoyed emphasis on the last word. Ben was obnoxious about people calling him by his name, and Shane especially got in trouble with him over it.

“Now wasn’t that easy?” Ben’s voice dripped with sarcasm, an almost spiteful grin on his face, “Leave your supplies, follow me.”

The office was cold and bleak. It reeked of sanitizer, and was just so blindingly bland. Everything Ben owned was in that depressing, stereotypical office color palette, not an item out of place. He kept it looking like it was straight out of a magazine, like he was expecting praise for keeping his pens ever so neatly arranged in his drawer or something. Shane sat down in the chair across from him, feeling a sense of unease. It never meant anything good if Ben called you into his office, and based on his tone of voice, he was in trouble.

“Do you know why I called you in here today?”

“Not really, no.” Shane mumbled. He folded his hands together, nervously fidgeting his fingers. Ben gave an exasperated sigh, throwing down a small packet on Shane’s side of the desk. He couldn’t exactly read the finer print from here, but one word stuck out to him. 

“Terminated?” he felt his stomach tie into a knot. His supervisor looked completely unphased, as if he didn’t care in the slightest about how Shane was reacting.

“Yes, that is what it says, isn’t it?” his tone was almost mocking, “Effective immediately, I might add. I want you returning your uniform and leaving within the hour.”

“For what?!” Shane started sounding frantic, clutching the papers in his hands, “I-I need this job, why are you-”

“Eight missed shifts this month alone, Yoder. Eight.” Ben grumbled, “That’s twice a week, and you expect us to be okay with that?”

Shane sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose tight. Of course it was that. Jas’ babysitter had been getting increasingly unreliable, calling him at the last minute many times to let him know she wasn’t coming. He had no choice but to just stay home, not that he didn’t mind the day off. He knew this was going to cause trouble at some point though, and had hoped that he would simply get a warning. But fired? He didn’t expect this in the slightest. 

“Look,” Ben rolled his eyes, motioning a hand in the air, “I know you’ve been having a hard time with your daughter… niece… whatever she is. But this is unacceptable. Eight shifts, I can’t let it slide!”

“Please, just give me one more chance…”

“I’ve given you more chances than you deserve.” the supervisor sneered, nose scrunching up in contempt, “Maybe this will be a sign to start making smarter choices, hmm? You kids these days, making stupid decisions, getting yourself into these situations you can’t handle, then making it my problem.”

“You know what, Ben?” Shane rose from his chair, holding back the urge to lunge over the table at the sniveling man and knock him out. He ripped off his nametag, throwing it down to the table with a loud crack, “Go fuck yourself.”

Ben’s offended screeches echoed down the hall as Shane stormed out of the office, making his way to his locker in the ‘employees only’ room. He practically ripped the uniform off, imagining all the things he wished he could say to his now ex-boss. He had to hold his tongue though. It was already looking like he wouldn’t exactly be getting a glowing review for his resume, and he didn’t want to ruin his chances further. 

And oh, did he have words for Jas’ babysitter. Fran had started out well enough in the beginning. Jas certainly seemed happy and well taken care of when he got home in the evenings. But as of late, she’d been getting sloppier. Showing up late, not showing up at all, it had been getting more and more frequent and he was growing very frustrated. He was already imagining the earful he was going to give her when he got back home. Getting dressed back into a simple sweatshirt and jeans, he grabbed his things and stormed out of the building for the last time.

Stepping into the cramped little apartment he and Jas called home, he could feel his stress level jump to 11. The place was a mess, an absolute horrendous mess. Fran lounged on the couch texting while Jas sat on the floor, watching some bright and noisy cartoon on the dingy little tv he had on the wall. The toddler turned to look at him, squealing and making grabby motions in his direction. Being the softie he was, Shane couldn’t stay mad after seeing that. His grumpy expression softened into a smile as he scooped her up into his arms, listening to her squeal excitedly.

“Dada!” she squeaked, repeating the phrase over and over as she reached up towards his face. Shane’s smile fell just a bit. He still wasn’t quite sure how he felt about that term. 

 Jas had been quickly learning new words, short ones that were easy enough for a one year old. Shane was proud of her, there was no doubt, but being called dad? He wasn’t sure about it. He was raising her, sure, but it just didn’t feel right. Would it ever? He shook the thought from his mind, greeting her back, “How’s the day been, chickadee?” Jas babbled in return, waving her arms in the air with such gusto, as if she was telling him a grand story about her adventures today.

“Oh really! Then what happened?” Shane replied jokingly, stifling back a laugh as she babbled back, as if they were having a real conversation. Her little squeals were full of such an infectious joy that Shane almost forgot what he was upset about. 

“Hey, you got another package today,.” Fran mumbled, not even looking up from her phone.

Right. That.

“Fran, we need to talk.” His voice was stern and laced with a quiet anger. Fran raised a brow, still not looking up from her phone.

 “I can’t even start to tell you how mad I am at you right now,” Shane grumbled, “You calling out and coming over late? Guess what? It got me fired!”

The young woman finally looked up from her screen, a mildly surprised look on her face, “Oh shit, man, I’m sorry…”

“You’re sorry? Oh good, that means it’s all better now! I’ll let my boss know you’re sorry and he’ll give me my job right back!” he scoffed, sarcasm dripping from his voice, “Get out of my house.”

“Can you pay me for the day first?” Fran held out her hand, not even looking him in the eye. She seemingly couldn’t care less about the costs of her actions. 

Shane rolled his eyes, pulling a small wad of cash from his pocket and placing it in her hand. Fran raised a brow, “I don’t think this enough.”

“You’re lucky I’m giving you anything after this… GO…” Shane grumbled pointed to the door, watching as Fran angrily rose from the couch, giving him a scowl. 

“Fuck you, dude.” she growled, turning to the door and slamming it behind her with all her strength. The noise made Jas jump, her lip quivering just a bit. Shane immediately turned back to look at her with a sorry expression. 

“Sorry, Jassy…” he apologized, “Let’s go get some lunch, okay?”

That seemed to get the girl excited, her eyes lighting up at the mention of it. Shane couldn’t deny he was just as excited, just now realizing he hadn’t eaten yet today. He threw in a quick microwave meal for himself, getting Jas a small plate of something much healthier, little pieces of veggies, fruit and a teeny sandwich. Even if he wasn’t eating the best, he wanted to make sure she was. She needed to, and he knew Amelia would’ve risen from the dead just to kill him if he let Jas eat the way he did. She always complained when he and Jason would have stuff like this in college, lecturing the two of them about preservatives and health risks. The two never paid it much mind, but she never forgot to pull out the lecture each and every time, just in case they would have a change of heart.

 Maybe she was right about how bad they were, though. The microwave meal was mush in his mouth, the texture absolutely disgusting. Joja brand foods were the most cost effective for sure, but sweet Yoba were they junk. Why did he keep buying them? He forced himself to finish the meal, ruminating over today's events in his mind.

Finding a new job and care for Jas was going to prove to be a problem. It wasn’t easy the first time around, and it sure as hell wasn’t going to be any easier now. The money he had initially set aside to pay for equipment, tryouts and the like to get on an official gridball team was slowly depleting, and he knew it wouldn’t last too much longer. Maybe a month was all it had left at this point. It pained him with every dollar he took from that fund. He knew the dream of being a Tunneler was dead, but every cent gone from it was just another nail in the coffin, another painful reminder that his greatest passion in life was unobtainable. The stars were finally just within his reach, his fingertips inches away from their touch, but now they couldn’t be further away. With that goal gone, he didn’t know what to do with his life anymore. Gridball was everything, aiming to be a Tunneler was everything. He was good at it too, better than good. He was a damn letterman, for Yoba’s sake! But one injury, one hit to the knee and it was gone. 

Maybe he could fall back on his major, though film arts was more of a hobby than anything. He, Jay, and Amelia had made tons of short films together in college, and he was a pretty good cameraman if he did say so himself. But where was he going to find a job like that in Zuzu city of all places? The film industry was hell to break into, and even worse to work in. It could never work, especially with Jas to care for. A sinking feeling that he may be resigned to a life of retail and service jobs made him grimace. He’d done plenty of them through college to know he’d rather die than work in that environment again.

Though… The thought of working on a ranch was enticing. Ever since he was little, Aunt Marnie talked at length about how the ranch had been in their family for generations, and he was next in line to take it over if he so wished. He had always loved the animals they raised, especially the chickens. There was just something about them that was so calming to him. Maybe Jas would love them too. The valley was also such a wonderful place to raise a kid, plenty of fresh air and kind people. The city had its perks, sure, but he recognized its glaring problems. He could always go home, ask Marnie if he could start working with her to prepare for his turn to run it. She was getting older, and he knew she needed to step down from running it someday in the future. And now that he wasn’t pursuing gridball, it seemed like a solid career choice. 

He twisted around the fork that sat in his hand, biting at the side of his cheek as he thought about it. Looking at Jas, he could just imagine life for her there. It could be so good for her, much better than this cramped little one room apartment. Honestly, anything would be, but especially this. Making a decision, he put down his dish and pulled his phone from his pocket. The dialtone dragged on for a moment, ending as a cheery voice answered. 

“Schatz? Is that you?”

“Hey, aendi…” Shane smiled softly, “I’m not interrupting anything, right?”

Marnie scoffed lightly, “Oh don’t worry about that, you know I’ll always make time for you… What’s going on? You’re usually working this hour.”

Shane grimaced, “Well… I had a question, but to answer yours… I-I got fired.”

“Fired?! Fired for what?”

“I kept having to miss days, Jas’ babysitter kept flakin’ on me.” he turned his gaze back to the toddler, who was now finished with what was on her plate and playing with her utensils. He lifted her from out of her highchair, pacing around the apartment as he talked, “I’ll figure it out, don’t worry about it.”

“Oh I’m so sorry…” Marnie’s voice sounded empathetic, “How is Jas though, I haven’t seen her in so long!”

“Well, she’s started talking!”

Shane winced as Marnie let out a loud, excited noise that made his phone’s speaker cut out for a moment, “Really?! Oh that’s amazing! What does she know so far?”

“Basic stuff, mostly: Yes, no, bye, and… she’s been saying ‘dada’ a lot” Shane’s voice got a bit more solemn at the end. Marnie noticed immediately, “You don’t sound excited about that, dear.”

“I know I should, it’s a milestone. But it just doesn’t feel right, y’know?” Shane sighed, looking at the toddler in his arms, “Did I ever do anything like that when I was a kid? Like… did I call you mom?”

“No, not really.” Marnie mused, reminiscing, “You were old enough to know I was your aunt when I took you in, you never really tried to call me that.”

“Would you have let me?”

Marnie was quiet for a moment, pursing her lips as she mulled over her answer, “I think.. That’s where our situations diverge. You’re not related to your friends, that’s a key difference… Do you not want her to call you that?”

“No…. yes?” Shane groaned in a frustrated tone, “I don’t know. It just feels wrong right now. Jason is her dad, not me. He should be the one hearing her first words and being called ‘dad’. It feels like I’m stealing that from him.”

“You didn’t steal anything from anyone, but… I get it. I do.” Marnie tsked, “Give it some time, love. Think about it.”

He didn’t want to think about it, though. Everytime he thought he was fine, that he was healing, something like this happened that dragged him right back down again. It had only been 4 months now, and he knew that wasn’t nearly enough time to grieve and get himself back together, but he just wanted to be sure about something. He hated how much he was relying on his aunt, how much he was calling her to ask what to do, how to feel. She didn’t mind it one bit, but he felt he was being a burden. She was busy, she had her own life and things to attend to. He wished he could be as strong as she was when she was his age. 

“Thanks…” he mumbled, “I don’t want to keep you though, you have work, don’t you?”

There was a moment of silence on the phone, before he heard a long sigh, “No, actually… We’re closed on Mondays now. Tuesdays too.”

Shane furrowed his brow in concern. That wasn’t right, not at all. He remembered how incredibly busy the ranch was when he was little. Aunt Marnie would be directing farm hands to do all sorts of tasks, people came in droves to get fresh products from such a quaint little shop. City people often saw shops like these as novelties, like roadside attractions. Anytime someone passed through they were bound to stop in, get something so they could brag about going to a small traditional business. What had happened?

“That corporation… it got the permits to build in the valley. Jojacorp, whatever they call it. It’s cheaper to go there, and I just can’t compete with the pricing, you know?” Marnie groaned, holding her head in her hands, “It’s going to get worse if they build one in town. It’s already bad, I had to let the farm hands go. It’s just me now.”

“Holy shit…” Shane breathed out, leaning back on the couch as he tried to process it, “Aendi, I’m so sorry.”

“I’ll make it work! Our family always does,” Marnie chirped, always finding the silver lining in things, “It’s hard now, but who knows, maybe something good comes out of this.”’

Marnie made a little noise, scoffing at herself, “Look at me rambling! I’m so sorry schatz,  you said you had a question, right?”

Shane felt himself tense up. How was he supposed to ask to come home now? He knew Marnie wouldn’t say no. She’d insist on him moving back and working with her, even after all the struggles she had opened up about. There was no way either of them could sustain themselves like that. He felt so incredibly crushed, another opportunity to get into a better situation squashed by something out of his control. Hopefully Marnie was right and something good would come out of this, because right now he felt as hopeless as ever.

He gave a weak laugh, trying his hardest not to cry, “I just, uh… I just wanted to know how things were back home...”

Marnie made an amused sound, smiling softly, “It’s been good, all things considered…. Oh, you won’t believe what happened in the coops today!”

He listened to his aunt ramble on about all the antics the animals had been getting up to at home, then all the gossip and goings-on about town. It was always amusing what people found to be scandalous and newsworthy back in town. So little happened that something as silly as someone tripping and falling in townsquare could hold the gossip steady for days. It beat the depressing headlines that came from the city any day, though. Shane would much rather prefer the corniness of Pelican Towns ‘dilemmas’ to hearing about the third tragedy happening just this week. 

The talk continued for some time, Marnie having so many stories to share. Many of them were silly, inconsequential tales, but it was just what Shane needed in the moment. Marnie did too, honestly. It broke her heart that he lived so far away, that she couldn’t be there to help him whenever he needed it. And his pride was too strong to come back home, she knew it well. It was commendable to want to try and do this on his own, but she did wish he was more receptive to getting help. He’d been like that since he was a child, with everything he did. He was such a stubborn and independent little thing, and to a fault. She just hoped it wouldn’t get in the way of doing what was best for him and Jas now. 

“I think I need to go now, schatz, but I’m glad you called.. Please, if you need anything, let me know. We’re all rooting for you back home,” Marnie encouraged. 

“I appreciate it, I really do…” Shane muttered back, looking down to the now sleeping toddler in his arms. His heart still hurt, unbearably so, but knowing he wasn’t alone for a minute of it was comforting. That much he couldn’t deny.

 Even if the call didn’t go the way he expected, or wanted, he found himself with just the smallest bit of confidence. This was going to take time to process, and a lot of work, but he could do it. Just like Marnie said, their family always made things work out in the end, and eventually he would. He just had to look for the silver lining in the storm, even if it took forever.

[mrhaitch]

Mr. Haitch, i’m interested in your opinion of Harry Potter. Specifically, characters that have complex or deeper stories like Dumbledore.

There’s a lot to be said for wizarding society, but much to analyze about the perceived “good” characters in the series. A big theme is good vs evil but like many things it’s never cut and dry.

Dumbledore: Personally, apart from Voldemort’s need to eradicate muggles, the worst person in that series is Dumbledore. Every time I say that others are like “but he’s a good guy” and I’m like, Is he? Because he’s all about the greater good allegedly but children are in the crossfire. I feel like a good man with that much power would step in much more directly when his 6th year student is adopted into a cult, instead of sending a double agent that’s still in love with someone he knew in school to keep an eye on him and help out.

Harry had to, in Snape’s words, be raised like a pig for slaughter, but there’s so many ways he could have been guided and helped throughout and it really grinds my gears. I feel like a hands off approach isn’t the way to go when one of your students is a walking horcrux. 

Dumbledore is a selfish man who even continued his interest in the deathly hallows past James Potter’s death (invisibility cloak) despite an argument over them causing the death of his sister. He has done good things, great things, even. But he is not good in my opinion.

I have a lot of things to expound on about that, the story itself and about the author unfortunately, but I’ll leave it here before you get a novel from me.

- 🌻

P.S. you and your wife are very lovely people to converse with and ask philosophical questions, and I thoroughly enjoy the further conversations that come from that. Breaking down literature with you both is so fun. Thank you for joining us on tumblr dot com to share more with us. 💗

Dumbledore's a complicated one, certainly, and his worldview - as glimpsed through his actions - is ruthless, much like you said. I wouldn't necessarily call him selfish as the majority of his decisions are what you'd expect from someone who takes the 'long view'. Everything he does is calculated to achieve an ultimate end he refuses to share with anyone else. If he's guilty of any sin, I'd be tempted to say pride or arrogance, more specifically. His failure to include even the people in his innermost circle in his thinking speaks to that - not necessarily because he doesn't trust them, but because he judges them incapable of doing what is necessary. You could argue he did all of this with his eyes open, and suffered a great deal of personal crises - just privately - but we've only got the text to work from and the rest supposition.

Harry as a 'pig for slaughter' sparked something, actually, because what we're dealing with here is a variation on Ursula Le Guin's Those Who Walk Away from Omelas. Summarised briefly:

Omelas is a utopia, for each and every person that lives there. No hunger, no poverty, no discrimination, no injustice. Every day is a feast and a festival, the city filled with boundless joy and music and frivolity and love. However - when each citizen comes of age they learn the truth of the city. The city can only thrive as it does because one child is subjected to the highest level of suffering. They were born, raised, and live alone, in filth and squalor, never knowing human kindness, touch, safety, or security. A child living totally alone and never knowing love.

Each citizen must then make a choice: to return to their lives and accept the child as a necessary sacrifice, or to leave for parts unknown, never to return. [My own summary, from memory]

Harry is that one child in Omelas, subjected to intentional deprivation to mould him into the kind of person he needs to be to save the world. This is done intentionally, by someone who has thought things through. They know what they're doing, the harm involved, and do it anyway. It's a sacrifice of one to save many.

Philosophically speaking, we're talking about the ethical calculus of Utilitarianism (greatest good for the greatest number), where almost any action can be justified if it results in a net good for the world.

What we're left with at the end are our values and how the balancing of the scales affects our gut and our hearts. Either the suffering of the minority to benefit the majority is a terrible but necessary thing, or that suffering leaves the outcome tainted and points to a sickness at the heart of those who knowingly benefit from it, or engineered the situation itself.

“Omelas already exists: no need to build it or choose it. We already live here – in the narrow, foul, dark prison we let our ignorance, fear, and hatred build for us and keep us in, here in the splendid, beautiful city of life. . . .” - Ursula Le Guin

Speaking candidly: I'm in the latter category. Dumbledore is a terrible, awful person, who used the most brutal and cruel methods possible to achieve his ends. He's dishonest, duplicitous, and his actions are borne of a calculating arrogance. But, within the logic of the story itself, he's also necessary. We can never know if there was an alternative because we're never showed one. Frankly - I doubt Dumbledore gives a shit what anyone thinks, and would've done it again, the same way, a thousand times if he thought it necessary.

[I'm working on a slightly longer thing about Harry Potter - because someone made the mistake of asking for my thoughts a few days back. It'll largely focus on words of power, how language shapes social reality, and M Nourbese Philip whose work I heavily recommend. I'll finish it, some day]

[madame-fear]

What is with this HOTD fandom?! Never have I ever been part of a fandom that attacks each other the way this one does. I have never seen “fans” as malicious, cruel, and relentless as the ones in the HOTD fandom! It’s insane. Vicious people are running content creators into the ground or off Tumblr or ao3 completely simply because they don’t like a certain ship, or trope, or tag, or dynamic, or a certain character etc etc. Its like the thought process is “I don’t like x, y, or z so instead of simply ignoring that content and not reading it, I’m going to make this everyone’s problem and find the people that make this content and harass them as much as possible. I’m also going to find as many ppl to help me gang up on this person and destroy them! You like something I don’t so that makes you bad. You don’t think the way I do so you need to be dealt with!” Like come on y’all, so you don’t like smut, or fluff, or lucemond, or rhaenicent, or character x reader, or modern fics, or dead dove, or enemies to lovers, or alpha/omega, or bottom/top, or you hate Lucerys, or Aemond, or rhaenyra, or daemon, or Jace, or the Blacks, or the Greens or whatever there may be, like no one cares! No one cares you don’t like something in fandom! What happened to “ship and let ship?” If you don’t like something, that’s fine, that’s great, I hope you are able to find all content you do like, but you don’t have a free pass to trash other people! Just ignore it, don’t read that story, block that specific creator if you want, just move on and find the stuff you do like. Why do these ppl feel the need to turn into a vicious pack of hyenas, relentlessly attacking content creators, literally running them off with death threats and doxxing etc etc like damn y’all! You just experienced this a few days ago with an “anon” who turned out to be a username I recognized and have seen around for a long time. And here they are acting the way they did. Like what?!

HOTD isn’t real! It’s fiction! It can be whatever people want it to be, people can use whatever trope they want, completely random ships between completely nonsensical characters can exist, a story can be set in the Amazon or freaking space, a story can be the sweetest, fluffiest story to ever exist or it can be the strangest, darkest, most messed up thing you’ve ever read and that’s fine! It’s fine! Surround yourself with what you do like and just let other people live, why is that so hard?! So sorry for my rant, I had to get that out

FUCKING PREEEACH ANON, SAY IT LOUDER! Please please please rant as much as you wish, darling. 🗣🗣🗣

No you literally said EVERYTHING there was to be said about this fandom. I joined the fandom a day or two after the series ended, on October 2022 and BELIEVE me when I tell you that the fandom has gone completely deranged by now. I don’t like blaming anyone in particular, but I kind of have the feeling these big accounts that are always in the centre of some drama are the cause of the toxicity lingering in the fandom :/

I mean, I for example don’t like certain ships like Lucemond. It makes me feel so uncomfortable and off, and you know what I did? I filtered the tag, blocked some people on those tags, and went on with my life. I live and let live. I never even harassed someone or commented on their posts against their likings. This one big account that also started a huge ass drama recently was telling everyone to stop writing for bimboism because its anti-feminist or something — LIKE EXCUSE ME???? You don’t like something and you are making it EVERYBODY ELSES problem? Naur. And its worse when they send a troop of minions to attack and stupidly doxx... damn. I wouldn’t even be surprised if you already saw on other occasions the user harassing me previously... 🙄

I don’t like the concept/trope bimboism either and I never even considered on writing about it. But does that give me the right to tell everyone to stop writing for it because I simply dislike it? No, not at all! Because its also the right of other people to read and write for whatever they enjoy the most. Yes, she has her right to have her own opinion on her blog — but this shouldn’t apply only to a certain group of people! As far as I’m concerned, there’s something called freedom of speech; meaning we can all say and like whatever the fuck we want, unless you want to establish a mediocre social media dictatorship.

I also love how their friends stick up to them while they pretend to be on a hiatus to victimise themselves further. This one friend of them told a mutual "you will stand down" and "you will not win this" like the CLOWNING in here is real. Babygirl you are arguing against strangers online for a fucking fanfic trope, we aren’t in the middle of some medieval battlefield, wdym??? 😭😭

And also they blamed this same mutual telling her that she’s been harassing this one account for over a year (the big account mentioned previously that she had never seen my mutual before or something like that, and they never even talked before this???) even if the drama is recent, and said that... The drama was triggering the miscarriage this account had like a year ago. I swear to God this is too much to handle and it too sad. Especially to bring such tragic personal event like a miscarriage to put the weight on somebody else for an online argument about fictional tropes.

You literally said everything about this. I can’t believe we have to argue about this. And then the friend of a mutual said that its the right of the big account to have her own opinion but they aren’t respecting the opinions of others? Like damn just block people and filter tags, man. I don’t know what to tell you, because why would the world stop merely because you don’t like something and then everyone is like "OOO ESOKEEE🥺" to immediatly boost their ego by hating on other people going against what they say.

yk what, nonnie? You are absolutely fucking right. HOTD is fictional and we can do whatever the hell we want. And we shouldn’t be scared of speaking up. I’m tempted to publish my drafted post about this because I’m sick and tired of having to walk on knife edge just to not be harrassed. Thank you for the rant!

[dearreader]

i’ve worked myself up so i’m going to fucking yell about this asshole client at work because i’m so pissed off the melatonin isn’t working anymore

this guy is a fucking idiot who doesn’t understand the concept of a pet having a new issue and needing a new exam to evaluate the pet. he thinks having had one exam within the year means that the pet never needs to be examined by the doctor again even if a new issue arrives he also thinks he’s a brilliant man and has to explain to dumb woman like me what a human period is! yes you read that right:

HE TRIED TO EXPLAIN TO ME WGAT A PERIOD IS WHEN I HAVE GAD MORE EXPERIENCE WITH THEM THEN HE EVER HAS

like this man is a piece of shit asshole that fucking tells at me for asking questions the doctor wants to know or point blank telling him the doctor will want an exam and i will not dignify him enough to even ask the doctor “hey, the client wants to know if he can have a conversation with both vets to discuss what could possibly be wrong with his pets skin. even though he has not had his pet seen for this condition.” because i know the doctor ir techs will look at me surprised and start laughing because there’s no way im hell they’re going for that. but he doesn’t like that i wont ask. and i know the easy solution is to just ask and say “hey, this is still no right? okay cool the client has a dumb ass question and wanted me to check” but he has yelled at me, made fun of me for stuttering cause i’ve been coughing for three-four months and my mouth is constantly dry, and he EXPLAINED TO ME WHAT A HUMAN PERIOD WAS so i do not want to place him on hold because i know the answer.

and because of that today he said i was difficult because i refused to ask the doctor something when i knew he’d want an exam and he said that i acted like i knew everything (had to hold back audibly laughing over the phone and laughed with my manger later about that) and that i was so difficult and he was an old school man. when i tried to explain he’d need an examine he tried to cut me off with “SHES ALREADY GAD AN EXAM” and i had to clarify an exam for a new issue.

anyway this man is the fucking worst and i hate him and i audibly sigh anytime his name pops up on caller id and he keeps threatening to go to a different clinic and i am asking every tumblr user to help manifest this guy goes somewhere else or he gets fired by the doctor because i am very close to snapping and i just wish he’d find a new vet.

[brokenmusicboxwolfe]

I am so tired! And I am so tired of being tired!

This year I missed the daffodils. And the peach blossoms. I walked by them several times a day, but I was always in such a rush, so distracted, and usually in so much pain I never even noticed. I only saw the aftermath, like “Oh, damn! Not a one still blooming!”

This is NOT like me. Looking up at the tree by the house and going “OMG! It’s full of leaves!” because I never noticed it sprouting is insane. Noticing things has always been one of my defining traits. It’s kept me alive. When things are bleak being able to turn despair into a momentary “OH! Cool bug!!” has been the linchpin of my survival. I am supposed to keep a corner of my brain free.

But there is too much now, and every day there are several more somethings. I’m like a weight lifter reaching the limit of what they can hoist, only I don’t get to decide when I stop. Someone else is adding the weights. Thank goodness I’m agnostic, ‘cause otherwise I’d imagine a sadistic deity chuckling as they throw another 10lbs on me.

I want a boring, do nothing, day. It sounds so lovely, flopped somewhere listening to music and day dreaming, or reading, or watching (properly eyes on the screen watching) a movie, or even just taking a nap….

But if I ever had a day without something I urgently needed to do I’d just fill the time trying to desperately catch up on the things I’ve been putting off.

I haven’t responded to anyone here in over a month, even when I REALLY wanted to. Hell, if I don’t do some making drafts for Tumblr my queue of photos runs out by the weekend and my sculpting photos run out tomorrow!

But I HAVE to paint my Easter gift for Mom. Somehow. I need hours to paint, hours with nothing else, focused. The gift will be crappy, because everything I do lately is crappy (multiple reasons), but I want it to be the best crappy I can do. Mostly, though, I just need to be able to finish it!

Time. Exhaustion. Pain. I may be broke, but I think these are dooming me even more. Not affording crucial things causes plenty of suffering, but I could endure a hell of a lot more if I could only just think!

I miss thinking…..

(Written in the “left over” time when I had to cut my call to Mom short. Disappointment should turn to “ Woo hoo! 15 minutes free time!”, but look at me wasting every valuable moment. Funny isn’t it? Teachers used to love how I “used time wisely”, and here adult me makes a Tumblr post with it!)

[jaybutnotthebird]

SOMEONE wrote a fanfiction that starts with Rocky’s death and now I can’t shake the image of him lying inmovile in a pool of blood

this morning I cried, legit teared up while wondering my apartment thinking of this nonexistant cat who isn’t even dead in canon

I keep thinking of Freckle and Ivy reacting to it, just like my own sona, who, mind you, doesen’t exist in that fanfiction, but still NOW I have a headcanon for how they would go about the burial and everything

so, um, thanks Aveen (they don’t have a tumblr but here’s the link)

https://archiveofourown.org/works/47728090/chapters/120311308

oh and here’s my own sona’s reaction ‘cause god dammit I NEED TO GET IT OUT OF MY SYSTEM!!

(sorry if it seems a little too dramatic or cheesy I LOVE HIM YOUR HONOR)

As if Mitzy didn't have too many things on her mind, now she was even shorter on staff. That was without taking the grief into consideration. She sat at Atlas', now her chair in the study, with her late husband's portrait hanging behind her, in silence. She was supposed to make numbers but at the moment she couldn't push herself to. She needed a drink, or a few first.

There was a knock on the door

"well?" she asked, and the door opened, revealing the familiar image of a fluffy black cat with orange patches. The poor thing looked even more dishelved than her

"Jasper, honey. What can I do for you?"

"I just..." Jasper's voice sounded uncaracteristically tired, alienating him even more from his usual shelf

"I just wanted to take care of Rocky's funeral, and leting you know mam. I will be paying for it and everything"

She pinched her brow and sighed

"yes, thank you dear"

"um, the whole thing will probably happen very fast... would you like to come to the burial?"

"no, well, I don't think so. Do tell me where it is and I'll bring him flowers, will you, dear?"

"yes, Miss M. Thank you"

before he closed the door behind him, he asked again

"do you know where I can find Freckle?"

"mh? Oh, he was wondering arround like a lost soul"

"right, thank you"

Jasper didn't need to search too far. He came downstairs and found Freckle moping the spot where Rocky had died. He came up to him

"Freckle?"

"please, don't-"

"sorry, Calvin. Um... may I speak to you for a moment?"

Calving looked up at him. It was Rocky's friend, that is, his best friend. Allways listening to his nonesense, laughting his jokes, telling him to be carefull.

Being allways by his side, he had seemed bigger, stronger, taller... now the black cat seemed small, his fur all messed, his shirt crumpled and slightly opened, sleeves rolled up... and a couple smudges of blood still on it. The tom's green eyes where still wet and tired and he was fidgeting with his signature cap.

His whole demeanor and body languaje was defleated, oposit to his usual boustering energy

"I was thinking about the burial... If you don't mind, I will take care of it. Make it sound like an accident and all"

Calvin hadn't even thought of it. He thought they would just get rid of the body and let his aunt think Rocky had wandered off after losing another job.

"I would pay for it. I have enough saved... just... would you mind helping me take him upstairs or do you prefer I ask someone else?"

Calvin didn't think for a moment

"I'll do it"

Jasper had been at the speakeasy when it happened. He couldn't believe it. One moment he was sitting at his favourite spot, confy, reading with a glass of something sweet and Rocky was wandering arround the speakeasy cheerful as allways... the next there where a couple loud noises and chaos errupted. By the time he looked up from behind the booth and focused his sight on the figure lying on the floor it was already over.

You do not know vertigo until someone you love is in danger. The sensation of a sudden void in your stomach. The panic, as no matter how much you call out and press on the wound and cry for help and say 'no' there's nothing you can do.

He had tried to reanimate Rocky's body. He had cried over him and prayed for him not to go. He had felt numb and lost track of time. Then, he had stood on wobbly legs as people passed arround him and went to get another drink.

Some members of the speakeasy went upstairs, Freckle came down. He stood there, in the room, not taking his eyes of Rocky's body like one watches over something precious that may get stolen

tho it had been taken already. It was like he didn't want anymore damage to come to him.

With the help of Viktor, he had lifted the body and placed it on a mat to drag him off sight, and placed his handkerchief over his face to avoid the sight of his lifeless expresion, open eyes, broken skull

now, Ivy went ahead to open the latch door and the back of the truck as he and Calvin carried the mat with his body upstairs, and drove to the funeral home.

On the way there, in between monstruous silences he told Calvin what he had seen and got the details the doctor was able to discern from the autopsy

The family that worked the funeral home didn't seem very afected by the passing of Rocky. No even surprised. Jasper supposed it was normal given the nature of both their bushiness and Rocky's. He dictated a nice lie for the forged papers as two of them carried the body inside

"he was taking a walk by the river at dusk. Despite his friend's advice, he climbed on the side of the bridge and started playing the violin, riming and dancing as he often did. He did not see or hear the train coming and no one could warn him before he slept and fell. By the time his friends got to the bottom of the hill, he was already dead.

He leaves behind an aunt, a cousin who's more like a brother, a missing father and many friends and coworkers who will dearly miss him"

Jasper's voice had long started to break by the time he got to the last lines. His eyes started watering again

"that much is true"

a final line was aded to the obituary 'he died doing what he loved' say's his devastated friend, 'he was always an artist and a free soul'

after a short while, the lady and her husband ofered the three mourning parties one last goodbye before they nailed the casket close.

"my" said Jasper "you did a good job"

With his fur cleaned and brushed and the wounds carefully knitted, with the solemn pose his body was on, the only telling sign of his death was how still he laid.

Calvin stood for a few moments next to the casket, carassing his now cold hand in a short of reasurance

"I will find whoever did this" he said "I promise" he engraved in his mind the last sight he would have of the boy he grew up with, who, tho wayward, had allways looked out for him. Tho misgided, he had allways sought to cheer him up, find him a job, edge him on with Ivy...

Ivy, who couldn't look at the body without tearing up, and just waited for Calvin to come next to her to hold onto his arm.

Jasper stood next to the casket when his turn came

should he memorice this moment? Or better remember him as he was in life? Should he pretend for a second that Rocky was just asleep, or would that be worse? Should he say something?

He followed his instincts and just bent over to place a silent kiss on his brow.

they brought him to the same cementary near the river where no one would bother to check the dates, and they all took turns digging and burying the casquet.

When it was over Ivy and Calvin turned arround to see Jasper had crumbled down and sobbing on the ground. "I... I cared for him so deeply, I loved him! I loved him so much!" The priest and his brother walked up to the car in respectful silence, but Jasper gestured for Calvin "I need you to know... I need to confess this to someone" Calvin's whole demeanor shifted. He crouched down right next to him, looking like a tiger about to strike "Confess what?" "...I loved him. You don't understand... I loved him the way a man loves a woman" Calvin's ears tilted back. Ivy's expresion went shocked, but they stood still as the cat in shambles continued "I know it's frowned upon, and forbidden and so... But I couldn't help it. I loved him! Just the way he was... I wanted him to be happy. I wanted to make him happy! I wanted to look into his eyes and listen to him everyday for the rest of my life!" He dissolved into uncontrolable sobbing. Ivy and Calvin didn't know what to do

"I... have heared horror stories of what people do to people like us. You think... this is why...?"

Calvin's fur bristled slightly at the idea. It was a possibility, tho he didn't think it was the case: had it been a pasion related crime, the spitefull bullet would have gone to the groin, not the throat.

...but it was still possible fuel to the hatred that led to his cousin's death

"did anyone else know? Did you tell anyone?"

"no! I told him it was dangerous, I told him a thousand times no one could ever know! We were so carefull... whenever we even kissed it was allways in a dark tunnel or something... and we would stop if we heared anyone coming near, we-we didn't even hold hands in public! We were so careful I swear!"

Calvin didn't have much time to process the fact that Jasper just admitted to not only love Rocky romantically, but also to being intimate with him on more than one ocasion. He brushed that thought aside. After all, this was just one more questionable oddity his cousin did on a daily basis without batling an eyelash. He concentrated on the lead

"was he careful? Maybe he told someone, did you ever have any close calls?"

"I don't think so? I don't know! Maybe he did let it slip, maybe it was too ovbious for someone at the speakeasy? ...look, I shouldn't tell you but I think Zib might have known"

"Zib?" asked Ivy

"yes... I think he... well... he swings the same way?"

Calvin took another deep breath. Behind him, Ivy was still recalculating

"I just... I can't believe... that I will grow old, and look back... and remember him. And he will not be there"

he pressed a hand against his face, messing even further his hair

"there'll be no music in my life"

Calvin wondered if his cousin would go to hell, as his mother would suggest, or follow irish tradition and play the violin at crossroads. It sounded like him. He imagined his music echoing throu the dark tunnels of the speakeasy for years to come

"if you do find the guy... do let me know ok? I want to know why"

"I promise"

"thanks. You guys can go now, I'd like to be alone"

And so they did. On the way back from the funeral house, Calvin felt Ivy's hand on his

"can you imagine? Not being able to hold hands?" "well, they seemed happy"

"yeah..."

Ivy leaned onto his shoulder

"they did"

Throug the next few days Jasper would only play his little ocarina when it was quiet and there wasn't many people arround. They were allways slow, melancolic tunes that added to the gloomy hambient. He would then hold the piece to his chest and close his eyes, and breathe.

Then Calvin came back to talk to him, to let him know he had caught the murderer, and made justice by his own hand. He told him why and how the man had taken Rocky's life and Jasper thanked him.

He imagined what he would have done if he had a chance at the guy before Calvin killed him, or if he had known last time he saw the bastard. He imagined himself tackling him to the ground and beating the shit out of him and clawing at his face until he was tired. Then, strangling him with his own hands.

He visited the place where the man's body was disposed. Called out to him, peed on the spot and said "I hope you choke on that. You were lucky I didn't get a chance at you"

After that, Jasper became the newest lackadaisy rumrunner, every bit as reckless as Rocky had been, only less cheerful. Rumor arround was anyday now he would get himself killed, and perhaps that was his intencion.

[jayy-beeee]

Bit of a vent/rant but tldr: I kinda need a break and might be offline for a little while. I’m not sure when I’ll be back. I’d like to be cause I usually like this app, I’ve just had a rough week. I’m not deleting so I’ll still try and respond to actual notifications, but I’m not really going to post and I’m gonna stay away from my dash.

I’ve been just feeling like lately Tumblr and maybe social media in general this past week has felt just extra draining rather than something I actually enjoy. I’m someone who doesn’t like to conflict with people especially mutuals/those I’d consider friends about stuff that technically doesn’t really matter at all. So I kind of tend to just block the source and move on.

Because I don’t like standing up for myself and my interests though, it’s kinda led to this feeling that like… if I stand up for myself at all that I’d be mean and unfair to do so. Even when it comes to stuff I know is blankly false, I feel like the only things that would come of it are either i generally offend someone, get told it’s not that serious, or I’d just end up in an argument over stuff that technically doesn’t really matter.

It’s led to this internal feeling that I’m sure people who know me could attest to that I feel like my interests are less worthy than others. I’ve wrapped my head into circles, convinced that every person I know around me is inherently more interesting and just better than I am. But were I to say that, I’d feel like all I’d get in return is told that I get to emotionally invested, and that it’s wrong for me to take everything I see that’s negative towards what I’m interested in personally.

I have wrapped myself into a belief that if I am not worthy of feeling passionately about things, including things that are typically a positive for me. Which is my own problem but seeing a lot of negativity towards my interests wrapped with feelings that I can’t stand up for them or I’ll just prove someone else’s point, it’s just been mentally really tiring.

As for well, what’s the point of even posting all this? I can’t say I have much of one aside from that I just have stuff I want to get off my chest. There’s little parts of me that really do want to just lash out. The issue there is I have a hard time even allowing myself to just feel my own feelings. Internet culture and mixes of just how I grew up have led me to this strange belief that if what I feel isn’t either agree to disagree feelings or something kind, then I’ve committed some kind of moral evil. I tend to give a significant amount more grace to others than I’m willing to give myself. And I know that all wraps back into that belief that others are inherently better than I am. But my self awareness of my feelings while believing that it is morally wrong for me to feel anything unkind and not completely compassionate are not a good or healthy mix. I have tried for some reason in my twenty years to build up this person who lets nothing get to them, and have had a hard time considering what an enormous ask that is.

So I need some time to try and actually connect with things I really enjoy that isn’t just scrolling endlessly on my social media, and not being able to mentally filter out what I do and don’t want to engage with. I should try and write more, draw, maybe write my own little analysis of all of the music that I like. I’ve had a hard time with deciding to not be on social media for the main reason of I’m just not sure what to fill my time with. For now, I’ll try and get on that. If I’ve got like, messages or interactions from other people I’ll try to respond. I just kinda need to stay of my tumblr dash for a bit.

[let-them-fight]

OK STOP I actually have propaganda for biggering. because this song drives me up a wall like a fucking cat for some reason.

FIRST OFF. I just wanna go off about how this song sounds. Normally when I’m listening to a villain song (as you do, lol), I focus on two things:

• Sound

•Lyrics

Not an uncommon thing but whatever. TO GET TO THE POINT…….. this song sounds fucking insane. I’ve heard it frequently be compared to be akin to a Pink Floyd song and? You know how big of a compliment that honestly is?

Like, to compare it to How Bad Can I be?, which— is by all means a funky pop song— Biggering is just straight up rock opera. And the vocals too absolutely go hard, especially in the final chorus.

But what about the substance?

Biggering, to me, has some fascinating lyrics. Now I know we’re talking about Illumination’s Lorax but REMEMBER: this shit got cut from the film.

Easily the most interesting part to me is the segment where the Lorax himself is singing, and he basically goes on about how it wasn’t just greed that got the Onceler to the point he is at now, but rather— it was the man’s pride that drove that greed to grow hungry for more and more power, causing that hidden pride to grow so big everything else didn’t matter. If his company just kept “biggering”, who cares about the decimation of the trees, the waters, the ecosystem needed to ensure that?

“Who cares if some things are dying?”

The final part of the song is the only part that was mostly kept in the song we got in the film, except for one line.

In How Bad Can I Be, the line(s) are:

“All the customers are buying And the money's multiplying And the PR people are lying And the lawyers are denying Who cares if a few trees are dying?”

And to be perfectly honest, this segment is given no emphasis. Any UMPH is drowned out by the chorus, and even then, the OOOH SINISTER voice doesn’t do it for me. It just sounds cartoonishly goofy.

Comparing it to Biggering:

“With the customers all buying And the money multiplying And the PR people lying And the lawyers all denying Who cares if some things are dying?”

Catch the line change? It’s such a small change that I didn’t even pick up on the first time I listened to this song, but it holds so much more fucking weight.

Because… it’s true. Effectively tearing apart an entire ecosystem isn’t just going to kill “a few trees.” And it’s even better because in this version of the song, this line in particular THE most emphasized line in the song, iirc.

But I want to talk about one more thing. And it’s how throughout the song, the Onceler is never just some… cartoonish edgy poppy singer. And that somehow, as goofy as this is going to sound… makes it somewhat more realistic.

Companies almost never start out with a goal of wanting to gain power and fame by any way they can.

Something like Facebook was created so college students could message each other. Something like Amazon originally just sold books. Something like Disney began because people just… wanted to tell neat stories to the world.

But again, back to pride. It becomes the root of it all, what drives these people to push their companies further and further, what drives the tumblr fucking sexyboy guy to further build up his company, further building up his own pride until— I’m repeating myself, so i’m just gonna let the song explain this shit for me.

“There is a principle of nature that most every creature knows It's called survival of the fittest and this is how it goes The animal that wins has got to claw and kick and punch The animal that doesn't winds up someone else's lunch

A company's an animal That's trying to survive It's struggling and fighting Just to keep itself alive”

TL;DR I like this song. I like it a lot. Vote it.

Villain Song Showdown Bracket B Round 1

The Mob Song (Beauty and the Beast) - Villains: Gaston and the townspeople

Biggering (cut from The Lorax) - Villain: The Onceler

Mod comment: Being in a production of Beauty and the Beast made me realize The Mob Song actually slaps

[malachitezmeyka]

I need to vent. So badly. I need to do it out loud because I’ve had enough of being stuck in my own thoughts

I need to talk to someone who’d actually listen, who wouldn’t chastise me or try to turn everything into a moral lesson or pretend like they know me better than I know myself

It’s why I can’t talk to my mom. Why do I have to live in a world where I can’t talk about my problems to my mom?

She doesn’t get me, not in a “I’m a moody teenager nobody understands me” kind of way, but in a “you know nothing about what I’m going through or crying about, why are you acting like just because you listen to instagram psychologists in your free time means you’re the most enlightened person on god’s green earth??”

I don’t have anyone I could go to. My mom’s out, who’s left? Not my little sister, definitely not my shitty dad. Who else? My grandma’s the reason my mom’s the way she is, so not her. My dad’s SIL is one of my most favourite people in the world but I don’t feel like I can come crying to her, she’s too blunt, too brutally honest. She’s helped me greatly before, but I’d go to her for any problem except emotional.

I don’t want to go to my friends. I already was the cause of a fight that ended a fourteen year friendship. I’ve already showed them that I’m extremely unstable and prone to hysterics. If I start openly crying to them about such seemingly minor things, they’ll get sick of me and I’ll lose them. I don’t know how to make friends. I don’t have anyone else.

And my problems are just so, so stupid. So inconsequential to anyone but me. Even for myself, all they bring are tears and headaches, and yet here I am, sobbing over them again and again, intentionally throwing myself down self hatred spirals that I know every curve of like the back of my hand, going throw the same thought processes that I know will make me upset.

Why do I keep doing it? Do I just like to make myself suffer? Have I no real problems?

If it wasn’t obvious, I’m once again being a whiny bitch about my art

We’ve been here a million times. My skills are nowhere as good as I’d like them to be, I’m complaining about it on tumblr dot com instead of taking steps to improve, when I try to talk about it and people give me actually good advice I get mad and hysterical because I’m not being validated in my useless, self-imposed suffering that will lead me nowhere. Yeah yeah, what else is new?

To get good at art you need to study. You need to look at what other people do, how they create art that you like, and try to learn from it. But whenever I look at people who are more skilled than I am, I turn into a fucking toddler. Why them?? Why are they better than me??? I get so irrationally angry that I literally only follow one artist, a… I suppose ‘friend’ is a nice term, though I don’t know how accurate it is. If it isn’t, then a mutual. And I get insanely jealous of her too, but I’m better at containing it. We don’t talk much, but I still don’t wanna ruin what little relationship we have because of my inability to process my emotions.

Honestly? I’m just tired. Completely fucking exhausted from all these tantrums I throw. It seems I say it so often lately, but I truly am sick of myself. The fits, the crying into my pillow until I get a pounding headache, the pushing everyone away because I can’t stand the embarrassing ordeal of being cared for… I don’t know how much more of it all I can take. I wish I didn’t exist.

My mom sat me down today when she noticed how I angrily shut off my tablet. I spent a year desperate for a shoulder to cry on, so I told her that I’m frustrated by my art, or rather, by the lack of it. I’ve told her before over the phone and she always started lecturing me about not giving up and trying and practicing and how the greats weren’t born great and all that stuff. I thought she’d be different in real life. She wasn’t.

She says I’m lazy. Says I don’t want to learn. That I don’t try. But I do. I try and I try and I try. I create canvases and start sketching and get frustrated and delete them and want to throw my tablet at the wall and snap my stylus in half… but I don’t stop trying. And sometimes, very rarely, I manage to draw something I’m happy with in the moment. Often I’ll think it should be killed with fire in a few days time, but it’s the moment that counts.

Mom tries to teach me theory she doesn’t know. She doesn’t have an artistic bone in her body, yet acts like she’s been drawing all her life. She tells me to trace over art books, to look at cartoons and movies and learn how expressions and poses work. No matter how much I yell, how much I tearfully explain that that’s not the main problem, that if I need to draw something I’ll figure out a way, she won’t listen. She can say she understands all she wants, but she doesn’t. She doesn’t get that I can’t physically visualise what I want to draw

I wanted to make some Green Opal art for a few days now. I’ve only drawn them four times before – walking side by side, sleeping cuddled up, Opal kissing Midori on the cheek and Midori holding Opal as she flips Suyin off. I tried thinking what I’d want to draw them like this time. Sitting together, one’s head on another’s shoulder? Actually kissing on the lips? Bending? Reading a book?

I tried to picture it in my head. I couldn’t come up with anything. I looked at dozens of references. Nothing seemed right. I read through lists of romantic interaction prompts. None of them inspired me. My mind’s eye was completely empty, and I don’t have aphantasia or whatever it’s called, I can normally visualise pretty much anything. But when it comes to art, it’s like someone slips a blindfold over it.

And say I did come up with what to draw – then what? Draw it? With my anatomy so wonky it could classify as body horror? My thick and lifeless lineart that suffers most from my heavyhandedness? My colours which I can never memorise the theory of? My shading which is basic at best and completely nonsensical at worst? And say I did manage to make something decent even with all of that added into the equation – then what? Post it and get a grand total of three notes?

I know art is first and foremost supposed to be for yourself, you’re supposed to enjoy making it and looking at it. But if I don’t, if I hate the process of drawing and the end result so much that sometimes I feel like killing myself over, what else is there for me to do but seek feedback? A spare like. A causal reblog with no added tags. There are days when those serve as my lifeline. Days when the hundreds of screenshots I’ve made over two and a half years of people saying nice things to me are the only things that keep me going. Even if 80% of those are things said by my friends, who are basically obligated to say nice things to me.

But if I hate art so much, why do I keep at it?

I don’t know

To prove something, maybe? To whom? My parents? Myself? Society? Probably not. I don’t have anything to prove

To leave my mark on the internet? To make myself feel like I’m doing something instead of just lazing about all day?

Am I just doing it by inertia because once upon a time a lonely middle schooler convinced herself she was gonna be an artist?

I really don’t know. If it doesn’t make me happy, what’s the point? If the number of people who interact with my art could be counted on one hand, what’s the point? If it drives me to going insane with screaming and crying at least once a week, what’s the fucking point?

I should just quit. It won’t be a big loss. Maybe then my mental health will actually improve, once I stop dragging it down into the gutter with every non finished piece that can barely count as being started

Quit writing while I’m ahead too. It’s not like I’ve written anything in a month anyway. And before that, it took me almost a year and a half to post something. It’s clearly not for me.

[x3rrorx]

I would highly advise to ignore anymore mc and j drama from here further. It’s clearly gone too far on multiple sides of the situation. She’s (mg) done posted some shit asking if she’d have to off herself to get the blogs to stop talking about her.

For someone who’s almost thirty and saying shit like that, obviously it’s time to grow the fuck up. She shouldn’t talk like that especially on the internet, joke or not. I take that kind of shit very seriously. And if she’s serious she needs to see a fucking therapist and stay away from social media for a long time.

Obviously J needs to grow up and fix her priorities. I myself am only a year older than her so I understand her take on things but then again very not cool of her, it’s immature and won’t do any good. Yeah her having friends many years older than her is weird. They’re supporter her butting into drama that isn’t hers. A lot of weird behavior or whatever.

Just if anything else is said on the other side of things, ignore it. If you give it anymore attention it’ll drag you down even further. I’d block anyone involved, anyone weighing in.

You don’t have to post this or even listen to me. I’d recommend not posting it because it will maybe weigh into the drama I guess. I just know that if this drama continues it’ll get worse and I’d hate to see more damage done to anyone involved.

She said that to get people pissed at me. As if she didn’t post all of my social medias and take any safe place I could have, away. They watch all of my shit. They use my real name in all their posts. I have no place to be without them and the minions.

It was over with. They were quiet and I wasn’t even posting about them. I posted about OG and C came into the spotlight once again. Causing an issue for OG on Twitter and MG making another tumblr just to message me.

Even when it was quiet the minions were still mentioning my real name under their tweets. They never stopped. They just went private about it.

They don’t know how to stop and everyone is starting to see more and more of it. We all see it and we’re all tired of their shit. More and more people come to me about the things they say and they’re over it.

You’re right, I should ignore it. But when they keep bringing themselves into everything I post… that have zero to do with them. And they keep bringing me up. It’s hard to not defend myself.

[artemiseamoon]

Blood is a good color on you

Ser Harwin Strong x f reader *

Words: 812

A03

Warnings: a boar attack, killing said boar. The dead creature in the gif.

An: this is the last one I got today. Also a treat cause you are getting the whole post. A03 link at the top. I didn’t plan to be on tumblr this much, this man is testing my semi-hiatus 😂

Reader is of legal age and an adult. I never write huge age g*ps or minors with adults for obvious reasons. If you want that, I’m the wrong blog for you.

“Don’t go in the woods alone, Princess. It’s not safe. If you need protection-"

You cut Jason Lannister off before he could finish. “I don’t need protection.”

He's been on your heels since your family arrived, even though you made it clear that you have zero interest in him. He even tried to impress your father and offered him a gift. It’s of no surprise though, ego and the Lannister's go hand-in-hand.

Jason wasn’t even invited to this conversation. You were simply letting your sibling know you needed some air, and a break from all the stuffy royalty. He took it upon himself to come over and eavesdrop.

Your sister rolled her eyes at him and placed a hand on your shoulder. You walked away together and wrapped up your conversation in private. Once done, you retrieved your horse, then headed to the woods.

At first, the escape to the woods was everything you wanted it to be; quiet, soothing, and grounding. You even found a sweet spot by a river. As day turned to night, the restful escape was abruptly ended by a wild boar.

Not letting fear get the best of you, you pulled your blade from your boot and braced yourself as it charged you. It knocked you down with its weight and pinned you beneath it.

You had no intention of dying soon, especially not to be eaten alive by a damn boar. With every muscle in your body, you fought back and stabbed the creature in the neck over and over until the last squeal left its mouth.

Killing an animal isn’t something you wanted to do or like to do; this kill was a matter of life or death. You shoved the boar off of you with some effort and sucked in a deep breath, pulling air into your lungs.

A few minutes passed before you got up. The damn thing crushed you, and everything from your arms to your lower body ached. Once on your feet, you got your horse, then headed back to the camp.

When you emerged from the tree line, there were several people still gathered around and celebrating, while others were away in the tents.

You bring your horse to the temporary stable, and continued the rest of the way on foot.

There’s enough light left in the night that the blood on your face, chest and gown is visible. You can tell by the way people are looking at you.

Paying no attention to what's being said, you set your sights on your family's tent, just up ahead and to the left. You wanted nothing more than to strip these clothes off and wipe the blood from your body.

Halfway to your tent, you glanced to your left and saw Ser Harwin Strong. Unlike everyone else staring at you with a horrified or confused expression, the strongest man of the seven kingdoms is smiling at you.

A small grin curled on your lips in response as you slowed your steps. Everyone knows who Harwin Strong is, and it is impossible to not notice him.

Due to your family's location, you didn't have many opportunities to see the knight, but every time you did, you noticed him.

Harwin's hands stayed busy as he continued what he's doing. His eyes locked on yours. Before your mind could make a decision or form a thought, you changed direction and headed over to him.

Once you reached the table, you rested your hands on your hips and looked him over. “You seem amused.”

“Because I am. I like a woman who hunts.”

“I wasn’t hunting, actually. A damn boar charged at me.”

His hands went still, and concern flashed in his eyes, “are you okay? Did it hurt you?

“I killed it. And no, it didn't hurt me."

That amused and deliciously charming smile returned to his lips, “you went head-to-head with a boar and won?”

You raised a brow and shrugged.

“I like that,” he wiped his hand on a nearby cloth and rounded the table. You turned to face him as he approached you.

“How about a drink? After I’m done here. Unless you need to rise early?”

“I’m a night owl. Let’s see if you can keep up with me.”

He chuckled softly as his eyes moved over your body, then back to your face, “Trust me, you’ll tire before I princess.”

“We’ll see," You winked at him and started walking backwards. His eyes smoldered with desire and hunger. “Meet me over there,” you pointed to a location, “in an hour.”

Harwin took a step back and continued devouring you with his eyes, “I’ll be there.”

“Good.” You replied before turning around. You continue on your way, feeling his eyes on you as you walk.

Unable to stop smiling, you ignored the other stares and think about Ser Harwin.

More Harwin

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