#and this friday is my therapist thing!!!
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are there finally any fellow John Labat enjoyers? please? I'm so down bad for him and feel lonely with it, dhsdhfkjshkfhs </3
[I'm gonna watch MaXXXine tomorrow again. for him. my therapist and social worker said I should, so who am I to not do it, then, dsjfkhsdjf anyway, if I am able to, I'll write some x Reader fics for him. I'll be posting them on my main (@littleoddwriter) when I do! <3]
#sleazy old male private detective characters like him >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>#my taste in fictional men is truly atrocious but that's ok <3#but seriously i haven't been able to stop thinking about him since last Friday#and i've been chewing my therapist and social worker's ears off about him (because he's relevant to Things & they're encouraging me)#bless their hearts because they don't fully understand but they're happy he's keeping me afloat and-#-away from my usual unhealthy coping mechanisms right now <3#kevin bacon#john labat#maxxxine#i'm so excited to watch it in English as well! the German dub was good and his VA's voice fit the character but like you know#that one 30 secs clip on YouTube of when he meets Maxine in the hotel lives rent free in my head#because wdym that's what he sounds likeee FUCK#will have to grip my sister's arm to hell tomorrow to keep quiet and sane i guess oops#i'm a sucker for that voice and thick Southern drawl (i think?) <3
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having to explain to people things like. if i have to go out to do something and run errands i need to have it all mapped out and planned w like. at least a week in advance. and if i go out that day i cannot do anything else because That will be it. if i have multiple commitments that cannot be put on the same day i need one full day in between those commitments so i can rest and be recharged for that next thing otherwise i might have a breakdown in the middle of the street (again) and then That will render me unable to function for like a whole three days. and then people look at me like i choose to live like this?
#txt#audhd tag#just venting a little#its crazy because ppl around me are like I understand your limitations However why dont you-#So you dont understand my limitations?#like okay yeah i understand that it must be Weird for people that are not Inside my brain and hard to understand that i PHYSICALLY CANNOT>#do things that they dont even think about. alright! but to sit and tell me Yeah we get it! but then try to either fix it or >#> come up w a New Incredible Way To Fix Me as if half of what i talk abt w my therapist isnt Exactly This#like yeah i dont fucking like it either. i wish i could do shit like other ppl do. i wish i could remember things.#i wish i didnt feel exhausted all the time i wish simply leaving my bed wasnt the most difficult task every single morning#but it pisses me OFF when people try to talk me through these Limitations i have that They Understand<3 like. can you be accommodating or no#one of my closest friends and oldest friends since i was like 5 had her bday on friday and she ljterally messaged me like#Hi we r having something w my family but theyre rly loud and extremist on the right wing side and i barely wanna be here u dont have 2 come>#> but i wanted to invite u anyway so u dont think ur being left out! and i was like Yayy nice thank u bc lbr i probably wouldnt go anyway.#and she KNOWS that. and she literally was talking to me like she alwahs does and That felt accommodating and understanding and i felt loved#cut to my mom last night trying to make me feel guilty for not going because Shes my friend and i should have gone anyway.#i told her off and she backtracked but thats still innmy head like. that shit is so irritating#okay sorry vent over im just aboht to get my period so this is making me sick#want to yell into the void and forget about it. Hits post
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i overscheduled myself again 😔 im gonna get through this by trying to spend as much time as possible lying down.
also would the vet hate me if i called to reschedule again? i already called to push it back by two weeks (<- couldn't leave the house twice in one week, that'd kill me). but if i could push it back by another two weeks... i don't have any other big appts in september, and so id have more rest time before & after. it's just an annual, so nothing super time sensitive. sigh. yeah i think i should reschedule and push it back by 2 weeks.
#borbtalks#had a video dr appt today. therapy on friday. sat & sun are citrus con. housing phone call on mon. vet on tues.#and the only thing i can really move is the vet appt#ill also ask my therapist to go easy on me during my appt#september i just have my regular therapy appts#plus at some point ill need to get a blood test. but that's late september
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Which one of my illnesses gives the symptom where "If I'm not 2 hours early to [the event], then I better not go"?
#Somebody pls#slchskhckd#its must be some amalgamation of anxiety and adhd. the eternal feedback loop#me & my therapist & my psych are forever fighting...#and ofc my reaction to ''Panic“” is Sleep. messed up#did u know that sleeping actually gives u less time to get to the thing u want to go to...#and when u wake up [the event] will be closer?#wtf wtf... why has nobody told me this? <- guy who is fated to learn this lesson every day forever#dont worry guys. today im actually dojng STELLAR. yeah im only leaving an hour early (which is an hour later than id like to)#but im GOING#i shant quit. i shant be stopped. NOT TODAY!!!!#WAHOO WAHOO WAHOO#:this_guy: iykwim...#personal#.txt#maria is literally just rambling. hi#adhd#anxiety#listen. god bless lexapro for taking away nearly all of my Physical anxiety tho#i will be grateful for that every day forever as i have been for the last almost 4 years#ANYWAY#MWAH YALL. HAVE A WONDERFUL FRIDAY!!!!!#add
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okay so like. i have ocd, and obviously with that comes intrusive thoughts. but sometimes i have intrusive thoughts without a compulsion coupled with them. is that a different thing. is that just anxiety. send help
#friday chats#like. my ocd is contamination ocd and i've been through therapy for it and i'm pretty good at combatting it#but these thoughts are just ''[something bad] happened/is going to happen to you''#i don't want to get into the specifics; just that there's a couple different ones#maybe it's just because if my brain is so sure it already happened i feel like there's no way to negate it?#like it's not as clear-cut as ''you've touched something Dirty; go wash your hands/use germ-x or else you're Going To Die''#but that doesn't explain the ''going to happen'' ones#idk man. i'm not meeting with my therapist again until august#and i've been struggling telling her about stuff bc with the video calls my family might overhear things#but then maybe august's will be easier since i'll be at college#who knows. i guess we'll see#one of them has also been pretty persistent for a few years now that i think about it. just shows up every now and again. wahoo
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not doing so good i have to say XD im so tense but i also cant feel my arms my heart is abt to burst out of my chest the nerves killing my stomach im trembling for no reason and im also sweating buckets while feeling cold its great so great what if i just kms
#the worst thing is that i have my appoinment with my psychiatrist on friday and i dont want to go i so dont want to go#bc i feel like she will judge me for still being useless and ill and THATS CRAZY bc wtf shes my therapist but like i cant do it#anyways if im going to be offline for a while just know that 😭 its bc i cant really function right now
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#how is it that i can get only like 6hrs of sleep. go for an hr run up a mountain and still b wired#like ??? make it make sense??? im not even a lil tired. im considering going up thr mountain again#how does my body do this? im not even euphoric. i just habe too much energy#i just wanna smash things with a baseball bat. its so weird. i guess its not really an issue. i just dont understand it which bothers me#its either a mood thing or the hyper disorder :-/ but like idk how i havent noticed it before#like have i always been like that? i have evidence going back to 2019 but i didnt actually notice it until the last year for real#...i guess there is maybe a reason i didnt have so much energy before this but ya kno#whatever. i can try to find a therapist in like 10 days or something. so ill try to figure it out lol#idk im just vibing bc im sorta unemployed rn. i mean ive been hired as a TA but dont meet for that until thurs but im not at my research#assistant job anymore as of Friday. so i can do whatever tf i want. except im still working on my data 🙃 bc im fucked up like that#hopefully the energy lasts. or maybe not bc idk how i would fucking sit in an office at a desk like this#jesus. im like: me having adhd is impossible. but also me: having to do 3 things at once to pay attention and fucking dancing while i liste#bc i cant sit still. listen. i wont believe it until someone diagnoses me. but it wouldn't not make sense#ugh. i wanna run up the mountain again. but last time i was running twice a day to get rid of energy i fucked up my leg and its still#fucked up. but like not enough thst it hurts to walk so i still run on it. maybe ill go see a doctor once my new insurance kicks in lmao#oh Jesus my brain. maybe im just happy to havr all my insurance bullshit cleared up. i guess thats a bonus to living in like libertari4n#land. less regulations than my last state in terms of car insurance lmao#or maybe im nervous abt thr start of the semester. its gonna b a fucking wild ride lol#unrelated
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I've literally been going to at least one funeral of someone close to me every year since 2016 this is unsustainable! Do I make friends so quickly because I fear they'll leave so soon? I have like five hundred pounds of stuff from people that died and I can't get rid of it because I can't get new stuff with them. I'm so tired of being used to grief. When do I get to grieve for myself!
#i feel like im still waiting to bury the old body i had but the holes i dig keep getting filled with other people#can i not have a year without mourning#or at least a year where the only one i mourn is myself?#ive had to stop taking time off for it because id never get back#the funeral is saturday and im literally leaving a party before it and going back afterwards#im so tired!#its been a year since i finished therapy and it feels like forever and yesterday#who knew this was going to keep happening!#i cant go back because my therapist left when i did#im not even sure that its therapy i need and not just the ear of someone who isnt in grief#every year theres some horrific thing that only ever happens to other people but its my other people#and i leave and i cook and clean and get bloodstains out of the bag of clothing the hospital sends back#god i guess this is where all these weeks went. into here.#this sucks#the only thing i was able to make was a painting of the vulture that i brought in to the clinic#and im supposed to be doing an oil portrait for the funeral#i already gave them my easels and frames to display the pictures#tomorrow im spending all day making his favorite cookies before i leave for the party friday#im so sick of being the one to handle it#all of ny grieving is on a two month delay so everyone else has someone they can rely on#its not fair#im not supposed to lose this many people already
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Something happened at work and I don’t even have the words to ramble about how upset I am about it I just feel so defeated and I don’t know what I can even do or why someone in a position of power would choose to do this to someone like as human beings
#I’ll talk about it later but broad strokes my friend who has similar mental health issues as me has been fighting to get disability#accommodations at work that like aren’t even really an ask they’re things that other people are allowed to do without accommodations#the only thing that not everyone is allowed to do is have two telework days a week most everybody gets one and they’re requiring her to take#an all day state psych eval and release all her medical and mental health records to the company and kind of also therefore all other#employment through the state of Virginia because it’s a state job? and she has been diagnosed and getting medical treatment for years her#therapists have been fighting to get her these accommodations and talking with hr and hr and my boss (also her boss) have been saying if she#doesn’t do the evaluation and release all her medical records she’ll be fired and it’s discrimination and she’s planning on quitting before#the eval that they sprung on her for Friday but like this is a job where we defend people with mental health issues and you’re just going to#discriminate against mental health issues within your company?#if they made me do that I would have to quit I’m not going to let Virginia state jobs have access to my mental health records but also it’s#so shitty and it’s coming from HR and our boss so it’s not like she can go to HR about it f#other people in the office knew before me and have done nothing but say oh that sucks#maybe I did have enough words to ramble about it actually my bad#I’m going to cry about it I feel like but it’s not going to help anything and I just want to fix it#this isn’t how you should treat people#it’s disgusting and discriminatory
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need to rant sorry besties
why would you as my friend allow me to pay for quite literally EVERYTHING this weekend at a music festival and then spend the whole time on facetime with some ugly ass MAN and complain about how he’s not here and you don’t wanna take money from him but oh he’s gonna buy a ticket and come down here and hang out. you owe me over a thousand dollars at this point and i AM pissed. you don’t wanna take money from this grown ass 27 year old man but you’re fine making me spend $500 on drinks and food for you all weekend. and i don’t want this to color the whole weekend because it really was a great weekend and i love her but be so fucking for real every possible second we weren’t literally watching a musician perform on stage she was fucking facetiming some random asshole she met three weeks ago and calling him baby and making kissy faces girl we are having a girl friendship weekend. fuck off
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I love ffxiv but I hate that I'm playing it during the worst years of my life.
There are so many things happening externally that are preventing me from enjoying it to my fullest.
I know that if my circumstances were different I would be fully immersing myself in the game, finding an FC, raiding, trying to be more than just a casual player. But I can't it makes me sad idk.
I wish I had started playing years earlier when things weren't *waves hand vaguely* like this and I could have enjoyed it to my fullest extent.
If things ever get better then I'm going to make a new WoL and play through everything again idk.
#negative#i think what i have gathered from these thoughts is im going to need to heal my inner young adult when i hit my 30s and things are#hopefully better#while still needing to heal my inner child#wow its fucking 11am on a friday why do i feel like this#i wish shit wasnt fucking like this but why is it a video game that ultimately makes me able to verbalize these thoughts#personal#://///#god i think i need to find another therapist snd try to do more than two sessions of therapy lol#edit tbh i think this applies to just fandom in general
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I've been really out of character this season (my anxiety is acting up) I don't know what going on in the writer's room (my brain) but they need to step up their game (I need to go back to therapy)
#yes i look at my life like it's a tv show#too many dramatic things happen to me on the regular for me not to think that#don't judge#every year is a new season btw#nell just talking tag#nell having a mental break tag#kinda but it's ok#i go see my therapist friday so yay
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hoooo babeeey, I am depressed n annoyed n anxious n I don't want to be any of these things !!!
#was gonna vent in the tags but i just. don't have it in me#i think im gonna talk about embarrassing stuff w my therapist on friday instead of all my underlying trauma tho#bc like. my trauma will always be there and I've lived with it so long that i understand how it leads me to certain patterns#and there will always be time to talk about it#but i really desperately need to change certain things about myself *now* that control my moods#it's all dumb and embarrassing but im just gonna say fuck it and bring it up bc like. i just can't keep existing like this lol#ok rambling over bc im sinking and don't want to go too low#rAMbles
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All I can do until we see what happens with this election is hope, distract myself, and try to get others to vote, because if I think too hard about it my anxiety and depression gets worse and the voice in the back of my head that tells me to hurt myself and go hide in the woods or something gets louder
#emma posts#I guess I could also try to make offerings as a way to cope#depression#anxiety#the voice in the back of my head that tells me to kill myself keeps getting more chatty#I don’t think I’d go that far though#my desire to do anything keeps getting weaker#I’m scared#I can only do this and think ‘wouldn’t it be funny if we had something else crazy in fandom on the 5th?’#I have a therapy appointment for the first time in months scheduled for Friday#when i scheduled it it was coincidental timing but this might be a good thing#I am also thinking about changing therapists if my long time one feels dismissive of my concerns#I think ‘maybe I should have paid a visit to my family this week actually’ and then I remember that one brother moved back in with#my parents again and I’m like ‘actually maybe it’s best if I keep some distance for a bit. I can still text my parents about stuff’#i don’t want to be scared of that brother and I don’t think he’d ever hit me or anything. but it’s hard to be around him sometimes#he just gets so angry and he won’t get treatment like the rest of us do#he even called my other brother a slur and said ‘he was being sensitive about it’ and I was torn between staying hidden and throwing hands#but he’s way bigger than me and that would have just exilated things#he yells so loud and slams doors and says things that hurt and scare me and I just want to hide away. it’s not good#he refuses treatment for his issues and insults the rest of us for getting it for various issues of our own and he falls for so much#propaganda shit that’s supposed to draw third party people into that conservative fascist bigotry shit#the rest of the family can have totally chill conversations with each other even about politics but he just lashes out and I freeze up like#a scared rabbit. it’s different when it’s brought into one of the places you feel safest#and it’s somehow even harder when it’s your little brother and not your weird uncle#my parents are democrats who are more left than the actual party and my other brother isn’t really into politics#my parents kinda encouraged us to develop our own opinions though and it’s lead to me being really far left and my other brother#being in a really weird position where he thinks he’s some outsider but keeps falling for republican stuff#I know I would get angry for some similar psychological reasons when I was younger before treatment and maturity. but I was 13!#he’s a tall athletic man in his mid twenties! it’s a bit different!#I can see what lead him there. but he’s just been worse about it and it’s scary
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Augh
#wtf are my emotions right now#I have been very fragile since Friday due to Things™️#and I hate it very much and I want it to be tomorrow afternoon already so I can talk to my therapist#b rambles
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abt to put all my thoughts on tumblr again
#i'm bored and bad at socialising apparently#according to my therapist#so here's some updates: i'm moving house! on friday! (it's wednesday)#i had to get a small loan out so i can afford bond + i need a new bed base and those things are expenny
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