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gguk-n · 3 days ago

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heyy could you maybe pls write a charles x reader fanfic where she is a doctor and they met bc he has a broken dick 😭😭

OMG!! This ask is haunting me bc if a hospital finds out you are with your patient, too many issues🤣🤣. Also, it's unethical, power imbalance😳😳 ig. Anyways, I tried not to think too literally.

Unethical

Charles Leclerc was a Formula One driver for Scuderia Ferrari. Charles Leclerc was Monegasque. Charles Leclerc had recently broken up. Charles Leclerc was stressed. Charles Leclerc couldn't get an erection.

Charles was extremely embarrassed with what he was dealing with. He broke up with his girlfriend because of having erectile problems. He couldn't believe he was having to deal with it in his twenties. He wasn't sure what was the cause; he was supposedly fit, he ate well, he had fun when he wanted. But right now, he wasn't sure why he wasn't able to stay hard. This was a conversation he had with his older brother, who laughed at him first and then told him to see a doctor. Charles knew he had to see a doctor but he didn't want to.

After much pressure from his brother and mother, who Lorenzo informed as soon as he had found out. So, now Charles was sat at the clinic waiting his turn, surrounded by many men in their later years waiting their turn. Charles looked around and made contact with a few men who would tisk as they made eye contact with him. Charles wanted the ground to swallow him.

"Mr Leclerc, you're next" the receptionist called out. Charles stood up and followed her to the room. "Have a seat, the doctor will be here soon" she said, robotically and left Charles in the room.

When Charles thought he would see a doctor for his dick, he thought it would be some man in his fifties but a man nonetheless but right now, stood in front of him one of the prettiest girls he's seen in a while. She was gorgeous and Charles may have wanted the ground to swallow him then, but now he wanted it for real.

"Hello, I'm Dr Y/L/N. You must be Charles Leclerc?" she greeted. Charles quietly nodded. "If it's okay, can I call you Charles?" she asked and he nodded. "Could you confirm your age?" she asked again. "27" he replied. Charles was rubbing his hands up and down as the pretty doctor smile at him. "So, Charles, I see you're here because you aren't able to hold an erection?" she asked. Charles wanted to run away, but he held his head down. "There's nothing to be embarrassed about Charles. I'm here to help you. If you could answer some questions for me. I'll try to help you the best I can" she reassured.

After a while, and answering multiple questions Charles felt at ease. He wasn't sure why he was this scared. "From what you've told me Charles, I think it's probably stress induced. So, I'll refer you to a psychologist and they should be able to help you. If it doesn't improve, please do come back" she instructed Charles. Charles nodded along as she wrote down some stuff and handed him a paper. "Thank you" Charles said taking the paper. She just smiled, "Bye Charles" she said preparing to leave.

"Dr Y/L/N" Charles called out as she opened the door. She turned around to look at him, "When's your...um...shift end?" he asked rubbing his neck. It had taken a lot for Charles to ask her but her face was apologetic; "I'm sorry Charles. But that won't be possible" she spoke slowly. "Why? Are you taken?" he rambled. "Charles I can't date my patient" she stated and walked out. Charles walked out with shoulders slumped.

Charles got treated. He didn't have any issues with his dick. But he wasn't able to see Dr Y/L/N after that until he was back home and visiting his mother salon. That's when he saw her, sat on one of the chairs getting her hair done. "I have a son. He's great, drives for Ferrari" his mother boasted. "Maybe you two could go out some time" she suggested. She just laughed, "I'm sure he'll fancy a model." "No" Charles interrupted suddenly. She looked at him shocked. "I'm not you patient anymore" was the first thing he said after a while. "I know" she muttered. "Will you go out with me? You won't regret it" he said biting his lower lip. "Okay" she nodded. His mother was smiling at them, shaking her head.

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pocket-vvardvark · 1 day ago

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WIP Wednesday

Ty for the tag @skyrim-forever @thequeenofthewinter <33

I'd like to tag: @aviel-the-trans-bucket @hircines-hunter @fangsandsoftgrass @kiir-do-faal-rahhe @scholarlyhermit @sanza-17 @sulphuricgrin @changelingsandothernonsense @progmetol @varlaisvea @yansurnummu @yewphoric @lucius-the-sinful no pressure as always!! ♥️♥️♥️🥰 Love ya'll with my whole heart

I've got a new chapter in the works for sweet decay 🤪 so, here's the WIP under the cut bc it's sorta long

Rivenspire is cloaked in the warmth of the sunrise. Blooming across dry earth, it softens the land’s foreboding appearance into something habitable. Having been awake for far too long, Verandis palms his sunken eyes as the soft glow filters in through open windows behind him. At the very least, the weather was somewhat pleasant in favor of the most recent heatwave. His body is no longer among the living, but the heat still drove him onto the edge of exhaustion just as easily as it would to a human. Voyage to Lillandril would be a pleasant escape to the lingering heat, and a part of him missed Summerset. Among the cities in Summerset, he supposed Lillandril was the fairest. Cradled upon the sea, the wind which swept only the most beautiful flowers was tinted with a satisfying chill against the heat. His thoughts shift to Angelica; briefly imagining her time on the island. Yesterday, she mentioned her distaste for Altmer culture, which was fair in its own right. No matter how hard a half-breed attempted to live up to their purpose, no full-blooded Altmer would label them anything but an Ephem. As saddening as it was, this was the way of his people. Thumbing over a groove on the hardwood of his desk, Verandis mulls over his relationship with the pesky minx. It was growing, that's unfortunately true, but to what extent? It had been an incredibly long time since he called another his lover, and oddly enough, Angelica didn't seem the type. She seemed content to toy with him, refusing to acknowledge him as anything other than good fun. Although, her gentleness from the other day did start to confuse him. The whole situation vexed him; feeling like a bumbling idiot left in the dark of some grand plan. Years of building House Ravenwatch softened him, and maybe that was why he was far too slow on the uptake. Regardless, the job needed to be completed, and he supposed he should use her…talents she so dramatically bragged about. The sun rises above the trees, signaling it was time to move. Verandis does so, gathering the bare essentials and finally roaming the halls until he reaches Angelica’s room. Raising a hand to knock, his knuckles fail to reach the door as it's opened before he can.

She smiles. It's surprisingly bright for how strangely she acted the other day. Another facade? He'll see in time, Verandis assumes.

“So…it's time?” Casting red hair aside, she tugs it into a messy bun of locks, then pats her leathers down. Ah, another surprise; that she's actually wearing proper clothes this time.

Prepared to suffer by her hand from whatever acts of mischief she'll no doubt drum up, Verandis answers with the utmost exasperation, “Yes. Bring along what you need.” Squinting, he watches as she disappears back into her room to procure a satchel.

“I do hope that's necessary.”

Laughing as she peeks into the standing mirror, she makes one final adjustment to push her breasts up. “Oh, hush. We're taking a trip to the market, right? I'll need gold for that…among other things.”

‘Among other things’, that little remark did not inspire much of anything in him but annoyance. She hoists her arm into his, linking together as she bats her lashes. “I’ve been waiting for a chance like this; to come along on some grand adventure with the Count of House Ravenwatch. My sister told me all about you, you know.”

He's pulled along with her, walking a stride slower due to their height differences. It would seem her younger sister had a bit of a loose tongue. Thinking about Alethia softens his expression, though, he knows there was no ill intent behind her excited story-telling. She couldn't keep a secret, that much he knew.

“Did she, now? I can only pray she had good things to tell.” They pass the doors, already walking down the rough, cracked path to shornhelm.

Making a sound rivaling that of a disgruntled guar, he’s bewildered enough to glance down at her. She sticks her tongue out once he does, “That's what I think about your stupid attempts at being posh. Or…maybe you're shy. Are you shy, count?”

She snorts, tugging at their linked arms with an impish grin.

“You-” Verandis scoffs, but he makes no move to wriggle away, only yielding to her kisses placed on his cheek. “I'm not shy. You're just…too overzealous for me. Not even Gwendis is this tiring, I should have you know.”

Gasping dramatically, she feigns a sniffle, “Breaking my heart so soon? How could you…I thought we shared something special.”

“Special? Hm, I had the distinct feeling I was but only a tryst to you, Angelica.” Their footsteps halt on the barren path of dirt as Verandis stops. He grazes a knuckle over her cheek, relishing in her sudden speechlessness. There's a hint of intrigue in her eyes, but something much less distinct; embarrassment.

“Tsk, tsk…” the pad of his thumb strokes the tip of her cheek bone, “Projecting, are we?”

Life spreads back into her features, moving her lips as her expression excites, “Projecting? No way, now you've got to buy me something like you promised.”

Nothing gets past her, he's sure of that as she reminds him of what foolish words he uttered last night. It almost worked, if she hadn't been so perceptive. No matter, it would prove useful in the next days they’d spend together

“A shame you hadn't kept your promise, then.” She blinks, fascinated by the ethereal hue his carmine eyes take against the bright sunshine. It steals her breath away, causing the briefest stirring deep in her belly. Truthfully, she was beginning to fluster at the sight of him like this; gazing down at her with such a romantic expression, like he could dip her back any second for a kiss. There was no love lost between any number of her trysts and herself, as the fickle emotion only served to complicate things. It stood in the back of her mind, though, as if it tempted her into taking that step. Oddly numb, she couldn't make sense whether she even wanted love. Sure, she'd never stayed quite this long with any of her romps, but it felt strange to just up and leave like they never met. Perhaps it was as her mother said, that one day she would want to settle down, to be with the one man who stole her heart. A flush does make its way to her cheeks, so light a dusting that Verandis nearly mistakes it for the sun on her skin. She takes her own embarrassing reaction in stride, smiling to him so lovingly that they both falter in each other’s grasp. Unlike the night they shared, it is him who concedes first, his grasp brushing away so softly she misses it. Clearing his throat, they continue down the path until Shornhelm can be peered at in the distance. The blob grows until she can see the roofs, the people, and of course, the market. Angelica observes the sights, its fairly different from both of her homelands from what she can recall from both Summerset and Western Skyrim. Hard times have clearly claimed most of Rivenspire’s goods and, frankly, the morale, too. Most shopowners looked more like they were proud owners of shacks rather than appealing homes; it went double for their wares, unfortunately. The only exciting things left were the rare pieces of jewelry she spotted along the way, and the occasional sneak she took of the count’s face while he was deep in thought. A local apothecary catches her attention, drawing her closer until several ingredients greet her eyes. The woman looks only to be a few years younger than herself, smiling but ragged after whatever turned shornhelm into turmoil. Hopefully, after her sister’s little adventure here, things would get better. Nevertheless, Angelica wasn’t entirely heartless, so she took what little ingredients were left and paid a little extra. She winks, and tugs the count along before the young woman can argue against the generous amount of coins splayed across the worn market stall.

“Well…I believe that’s all I’ll be in need of. Never hurts to pack a few poisons.”

If he noticed what happened, which she realizes he must, it doesn’t earn her a conversation. Either perturbed by her shocking display of kindness, or their recently shared embarrassment, Angelica cannot tell beneath his seemingly aloof gaze.

“We should get a move on, then. Rivenspire lacks ferries, so we’ll have to carriage our way to Glenumbra.” She wants to kick herself for feeling disappointed he doesn’t thrust his arm out for her to hold, but makes due with this new development. It’s not like they were close, but she was finding herself longing for some type of…praise from doing good. Divines, did whatever happened last night really affect her that badly? She hadn’t thought so, until her thoughts soured from every woman which passed their way to ogle Verandis’ human disguise. A part of herself swelled in pride when they sunk back down upon her appearance by his side. That feeling was only doubled when she realized they would never know his secret, and such an intimate secret it was. Jealousy wasn’t her style, but she wouldn’t pass up an opportunity to swathe the Count in her perfume before exiting the castle next time. He certainly smelled better in it than whatever ancient perfume he wore beside her. Curious, she peeks over to marvel at his disguise. Honestly, she preferred how he always looked; with eyes as red as rubies and alabaster skin. It simultaneously enthralled and got her feeling rather heated. Such raw and dangerous intent was no longer evident in his now honey-colored eyes, and that left her feeling quite bored. Although…she could make due with those amber eyes if they watched her with the utmost adoration; that would be her goal for the day.

Grinning, she’s back to her confident self, looking as mischievous as a nixad. He realizes she snickers like one, too.

“Do I dare ask what you’re conjuring up behind me? I fear you, at times.”

Prancing back to his side, her fingers curl into his own, forcing him to slow his stride once more.

“Nothing much, just admiring the view.”

He snorts, “Of my backside? How quaint.”

Nudging him, he gains an eyeful of the sweet little twist of her lips, “It's a very disarming backside.”

Sighing, he can't help but chuckle at that, “Whatever shall I do with you?”

His eyes jump between her own, searching for the reply her lips twitch with. Angelica settles for a gentle peck on his nose, laughing when he wrinkles it from the tickle.

“I'm sure you'll dream up some elaborate plan to keep me quiet, darling.”

#i swear i mention the fucking sun like too many times 😂#they are THE OTP in my miiiind #fic: sweet decay #i feel so cool tagging my fic like omg?? me?? i wrote that?? in my writing era #im going to frow up but its ok writing will keep my acid reflux at bay 🥴#angelica is going to slap his ass #wait i should write that #😈#wip wednesday #ok ngl i straight up walked the path from castle ravenwatch to glenumbra so then i could get to summerset to see how bad it would be #its acc doable!! yay now its not weird

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touchlikethesun · 8 months ago

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can you hear that?? that is the sound of my heart breaking for jiang cheng for the hundredth time someone get this guy a hug preferably a hug from his sister

#ig he was going to her for guidance and comfort after what happened with wwx #only to see her with jin zixuan so he turns away to not bother them #baby you could have still gone to her!!!#you could have!!!!!#someone hug him #now!!!!!#jiang cheng #mdzs #gwen's liveblogging again #and they should not be bc they have to prepare for a call #but alas

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orcelito · 3 months ago

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Reading up on the people on my election ballot and there's some combination of "can ANYONE tell me what their policies actually are???" (Specifically with the smaller offices) VS "Oh, so YOU'RE the reason why Indiana has an abortion ban! Duly noted!"

#speculation nation #there are 4 indiana justices with retention up for a vote (on my ballot at least) and 3 of them signed the abortion ban shit.#so guess who im going to vote against retention for :]#i know theyre not policy makers in the same way that the governer or whatever is #technically theyre just there to make judgement calls about what the law actually Is.#but. But. that doesnt change the fact that theyre the ones that signed the abortion ban into place.#So What if they didnt make the policy themselves? they still chose to steamroll opposition and put into place a ban from the early 1800s #indiana is among the 16 worst states for abortion now. thanks to these assholes.#And So. well apparently indiana's never successfully voted against retention for any of its justices #but Why Not Start Now? im fuckin pissed. a lot of people are fuckin pissed. and these 3 justices have got to go.#we dont get to vote for who takes their places but at least they MIGHT be justices that are willing to hear us out.#and regardless. i want to get back at them for it. :] so even if they Technically did their jobs. i want them Out.#anyways i went looking at the representatives and senate seats and the democratic nominees seem fine.#some of the smaller offices dont have democrats running. just republican or libertarian.#dear god help me im gonna be voting for a republican this election. just one.#specifically bc it's an office that doesnt have anything to do with politics. and the guy running against her seems uhhhh #like he really doesnt care for the position?? he just wanted to put libertarians in more view.#so im like. ok for this one we really should have the person who's already got experience with the job and actually Cares about it.#for some of the other ones... god i dont know. these were the ones who were awful about listing their policies.#might just not touch the county school shit at all. theres Nothing on these people online and i have no direct stake in this #man. many things to think about. i still got some time b4 im voting but i wanna be prepared.

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asinglesock · 4 months ago

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send help. it's supposed to be 91 degrees tomorrow. on my day off :(

#a sock speaks #work tag #food tag #it was high 80s today but I didn't even notice bc the air conditioner at restaurant job is punishingly high powered #I was wearing my long sleeved undershirt and leggings without any discomfort #but I have to run errands tomorrow and my car has no AC. the house also has no AC but is okayish at staying cool.#I wanted to make pizza today but didn't have time. might be too hot for pizza tomorrow :( but my ingredients are aging in the fridge #I finally got a paycheck but it's for the 2nd period I worked. I'm missing the first one and need to talk with the regional manager #and he's only in on Thursdays #also gotta request a day off to go to Portland with my cousin in 2 weeks #also gotta request off for orchestra which also starts in 2 weeks #also my aunt is trying to recruit me for a caregiving job and I'd have to take 3 weeks off to get trained #it'd be super easy to schedule both jobs once I'm trained but the training is a big time commitment #also restaurant job scheduled me for all graveyard shifts this week. if I can't adjust my sleep schedule I'll have to give a firm no on it #also gotta go to the bank to deposit my check and. uh. all of August's tips (terrifying)#also gotta call a vital records office in Maine about my mom's birth certificate bc we're trying to take her to Canada for her birthday #I don't think we have enough time but my sister wants to do it #also I want to finish knitting this sock that I started in June. I just have the toe left #also I finally confirmed the color and pattern for a baby blanket I'm preparing as a gift so I gotta get yarn #also I need to buy blackout curtains to fit my windows so I can sleep in the day if I work nights #also sometime this week my sister is cleaning the church. I want to go with her so I have an excuse to get ice cream from a shop nearby #also I need to clean my room and I should hang up the art prints & postcards I've been collecting for months #most of them are green to match my decor but some are just characters or scenes I like #oh! I also owe a postcard to a school friend #I had caffeine for the first time in several days and my brain is buzzing. there's so much I want to do and I have time to do it #and I'm excited about it!

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forgotten-daydreamer · 7 months ago

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Took twice the max dose of melatonin before the final revision for tomorrow’s exam, I’m shitting my pants and I genuinely don’t know anything as thoroughly as I should but if I sleep less than 4 hrs before it I just know I’m gonna do even worse somehow

#don’t take twice the max dose of anything btw #genuinely don’t do the shit that I do #i only did it bc I know my limits and haven’t had any other substances in over 24 hrs but don’t ever try it #always talk to your gp before taking any meds and supplements at all #anyway psa aside #I want to revise for two hrs so until 1.30am circa but I genuinely hope I pass out sometime in the next hours and a half #godspeed ig #uni #melatonin #I have super high expectations but I genuinely prepared this exam in like 4 days and my brain has been all over the place #haven’t had the chance (economic too so please please consider sparing a couple of bucks for my ko-fi?) to meet my therapist in 2 weeks #been super suicidal super busy dealing with stuff and people and my family and uni and ah oh how I wish I had a brain able to focus #also the ‘visions of horror’ as I call them have lowkey turned into auditory hallucinations that never stop and it’s… tough #genuinely so tired of everything in general #I’d promised to hang with my uni friends after the exam bc I should be done my midday tops but I know im gonna be super sad and underwhelme #so I hope I can be at home by 4 pm tops with one excuse or the other #I love them all so much but I need a break. also bc I got another exam in less than a fucking week and I still haven’t started studying for #it because it’s objectively easier than tomorrow’s and because when was I supposed to study for it #I spent 3 good days working on a paper that isn’t even mine for a subject I don’t even take #a favor for a friend which turned into 3 more friends asking me if I could help them with theirs #and you know me #I never say no. unfortunately. but also I’m super glad they want my help bc they know I can write at least (one good thing)#but. that’s still -3 days available #then. the demons #wasted so many hours just pacing and biting my nails raw and being pathetic #so yeah. in a little under 15 hrs I want to be in bed again. resting until the 19th when the cycle will begin anew #also math ain’t mathing. my exam is in 12 hrs only now 13.

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whoviandoodler · 9 months ago

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grandma's real bad for my 'don't anger yourself into further digestive disorders' goal

#was on a call and basically said she thinks that they should bring back 6 months military training #'some men just need to get more serious/disciplined... I mean they need to be prepared to defend their country #am i supposed to? I mean women?'#I would rather for the rest of eternity have unserious and even borderline immature men than #Make a single person go through the abusive brainwashing that is military training #That they might come outof with even an inkling of thinking it's okay to kill someone #They're apparently conscripting again??? If that's what they call it #Coming to your house and asking about sons and whatever #First time saying it but thank fuck brother is abroad in america #And uncle and cousin live in germany #Uncle did that bcs it was obligatory then and he came back so... Out of it ig is the word #that he married the first woman he found that's like p cruel just to get tf away from my grandparents #And he moved like 16 hours away and never came back except on holidays #Also they're fucking 50+??? Leave them the fuck alone lol #Just. So mad so mad so mad how brainwashed is this country they think this is ok #And more likely than not what the army the president is arming 'but doesn't threaten anyone!' is planning for #Is further ethnically cleansing ppl who rightfully hate our guts #Just horrified and furious all around

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wickedhawtwexler · 1 year ago

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🤞 if all goes well (which it doesn't often but who knows!!!) i should be able to get my adhd meds tomorrow 🤞

#i was supposed to be increasing my focalin dose. my pharmacy hasn't been able to get the new dose but they have my old one #my pharmacist said to wait until this morning bc he was expecting a shipment today but the shipment didn't have any focalin (shocker 🙄)#so i had to message my doctor asking for a prescription for the lower dosage and i know she normally works short hours fridays #nevermind the fact it's the friday before christmas #but she got back to me an hour ago and called in the prescription for the lower dose 🙌#it hasn't been working great but it's better than not being on any meds at all #my pharmacist told me i'm the only person who has been on the lower focalin dose sooo it should still be available tomorrow morning 🤞#if not. well i had already mentally prepared to spend my entire long weekend being a potato on my couch #this is only a bandaid bc my pharmacy only has 40 pills & the low dose focalin is on backorder too but y'all i am living 1 month to the nex #m.txt

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narrativedoomed · 2 years ago

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i havent seen any episodes since 2x3 but i think its SO interesting that the fandom will continuously say ben has no power and that no one cares hes an adult but the moment he doesnt step in to help deliver a baby its suddenly "hes annoying" and "you said yourself youre the adult step it up"

#yj spoilers #also like. as far as im aware he has continued to spiral and hallucinate constantly #and also like. i feel like trying to deliver a baby may be Difficult considering his leg situation bc like. idk how they were set up #but i dont think he can like. sit on the floor and he sure as hell cant kneel since one leg doesnt have a knee anymore #like im sure he probably could've helped somehow but i think. i dont think its fair to constantly emphasize his powerlessness #and then get mad when hes. not using what power he does have #'he taught the health class!!' 'he never learned more than pressing play on the video???'#i cant imagine the gay man would be actively preparing himself to know how to deliver a baby also i dont think that childbirth is like #taught in schools but i could be wrong #saw someone say he should know what to do because 'at his grown age one of his friends would've given birth' but like. its not like #its not like he would BE there for that #me getting defensive of ben without seeing the episode or knowing the context akshwls #its very possible that i will watch the episode eventually and they will be right its true #but i just.#ALSO i see so many people complain that bens even still alive and there bc hes a boy but then they complain when their main characters #are stepping up and doing things while he stays out of it #i think. its also quite possible i dont actually care that much ab this and the person talking just had an attitude and it annoyed me more #everyone in the replies was calling ben annoying and im >:(#ive also just been not in the best mood so i think im just channeling my feelings into this thing that doesnt matter akshskskd #negative cw

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cezulian · 1 year ago

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Some ppl are so proud of hating stuff like lol we get it your walls are impenetrable and being insufferably intolerant as you are is dope and everybody thinks you’re so so big and strong lmao can you like go home dude

#hey man that post about how actually you think people should be bullied for liking x was so contrarian #I thought it was really insightful and so being real of you to #stick it to the idea that having fun is ok that blew my mind dude I was like ‘whoa!!! you cant say that!!!!’#and when someone called you mean or whatever and you replied ‘based’??? that just showed how like #how you’re really prepared to take on the world and no one else is bc they’re not ironic enough #everybody online is super impressed by your brevity and lack of character #your commitment to being as soul-draining as a ‘positive vibes only!!!’ type is inspiring or something #lol just go sit in your car for an hour dude

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path0logicalfacade · 28 days ago

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ik its like 10:30pm which means that if i feel horrible about everything in my life i should go to sleep. but i just started going on a breakdown so good i rly need to see where it gets me this time.

#maybe will be back in like 2hrs either with a suicide note or a three page long essay on how bad im doing mentally #or maybe will go to sleep as i fucking should.#ughhhhhhh my mom will probably make me a sandwich again tomorrow :/#i dont want to throw it out bc she exclusively bought special bread for me and it was expensive #BUT ALSO i aint fucking eating an almost 500kcal sandwich. wtf.#i have plans!#theyre called oats for dinner and i already prepared them today so the only thing i need to do tmrw is make and add foam from jelly #id still stay below 1500 but eh :/#i wanted to save the cals for a snack.#tw ed #UNLESS! i get up weirdly fuckin early just to pretend im making the sandwich.#id take the bun and hide it in the ✨binge prevention stash✨ in my closet or sth.#speaking of my binge prev stash #i need to buy coke zero for it again ;w;#please gods above make my local biedronka have the large cheap coke zero. please. please gods above.

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considerad · 5 months ago

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my brain is squelched.

#so tired so so so tired and people are like confirm this decide on that #I have one brain cell! barely! I am running away and leaving my cell phone behind!!!!!!!!!!#thought #also I need someone to shake me and tell me firmly that I'm not allowed to apply for random internships out of panic #will it get me to Europe? sure. will it drain me of any reserve brainpower I'll manage to build up before my next degree? yes.#my ma's cousin called yesterday and she said /it's shitty how everyone expects you + your ma to play nurse to multiple old people/#/you should be preparing for the next phase of your life not waiting around in doctors' offices and babysitting distant relatives/#and I nearly cried down the phone bc I feel so selfish and horrible when I have these thoughts myself.#it was so validating to hear her voice them separately of my own thoughts and without the crushing guilt

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em-b-sides · 6 months ago

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Chat. Maybe I need to be more masc. Idk.

#i like feminine things but i like them as like a man wearing makeup or jewelry yk. if that makes sense.#its hard at work bc i have like a uniform so i cant stretch around with how i look #ill feel really good about my eyeshadow and then ill get called ma'am or miss one too many times and i hate it.#maybe i should ask if i can get a pronoun pin or something. it will increase the chance of hatecrimes but maybe itll do something.#i dont wanna stop with the makeup and stuff bc i do like it #also not gonna cut my hair im gonna keep it exactly as is until it stops looking good.#i did start wearing pride bracelets i have to see if that might do anything #an old man noticed them and gave me the lead paint stare it was kinda funny in a way but i was so prepared for some ass comment #anyways i also had this thing happen in my brain where im like. conflicted. i want to look good but i do not want to be seen as an object.#there is a certain sexualization with trans people that i want to avoid. i am not an object.#its okay to just be pretty if that makes sense.#summary is. dressing for myself? very poggers.

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aquaslove · 7 months ago

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#secret diary cause cant be bothered to look for my journal n grab a pen #but #been thinking about something a lot n its giving me a lot of anxiety/ bringing back memories from the past #had a convo with my mom about what happened n how i felt n it DID help talking about it #but i still cant get it off my mind so i think i need to talk to my dad #gotta prepare for it too cause i know im gonna cry n hes probs gonna call asking if everythings okay #its not an easy conversation to have but i feel the need to say something #im having trouble sleeping at night bc of it n i hate being alone with my thoughts atm #actually i dont think its a hard convo to have #its quite easy cause i know what i want to say but i dont think my dad truly knows how bad men are/ can be n how much i hate men #i just can’t articulate my words properly n i feel very strongly about this subject. words just never come out n i get overwhelmed #n lowkey im trying to avoid the convo- like i wanna send a text even though i should call or go see my dad in person like how i told my mom #however i have to speak or else i will likely never get this off my chest again n im struggling rn #so i am reaching out cause i know i can rely on my dad but this convo is gonna lead to another #i had smthing typed in my notes but i started crying while writing it #crazy cause you never really know who people are esp family #been watching movies all day cause music aint enough to keep my mind from wandering

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beloveds-embrace · 2 months ago

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can we get Duchess reader yearning for a baby of her own 🥺 imagine there was a Ball in the neighboring kingdom and Duchess!Reader and Duke!Price was invited, celebrating the birth of the Kingdom’s new heir, a baby boy on her fellow Duchess’s arms.

And reader coos at the baby while masking the deep ache in her heart thinking that it’ll be so impossible to have a baby with her husband due to him and his lovers 😢

cue to Duchess!Reader having a heavy heart through out the entire event and even the days after that, until one of our boys asks her what wrong.

(And John having to hold Johnny back bc that nasty dog has been waiting to get his paws on her since forever)

Oh my god yes??? Anon i could smooch your brain right now yes??? This is so good i love it. Sorry for the abrupt ending though, had no idea how to finish it off 😔

Original Post

“Such an adorable little one,” you coo softly, the newborn held delicately and carefully in your arms, swaddled in the baby blue blankets you and John had bought among your other gifts for your fellow Duke and Duchess. “He looks so much like you, I’m in awe.”

Your friend laughs lightly, sipping on her drink. With a soft sigh, she leans closer towards you. The party is in full swing, so many other nobles mingling and networking, but thankfully you and your friend have your own little corner for now and everyone has already congratulated her and her husband.

“So,” she begins, her eyes flickering towards where both of you two’s husbands are speaking. The smiles on their faces are clearly happy, though you aren’t surprised; John had mentioned that he’s already friends with the Duke during the carriage ride. “So. What about you and Duke Price, hm? Any surprises we should prepare for?”

Ah. You had been dreading this.

You sigh, shaking your head. Though the smile returns as you gaze at the napping baby, so small and precious in your arms. With you friend’s permission, you gently kiss his tiny little fists. “Not at all. We are happy as we are.”

And it’s not as if you are lying by any means, oh no. You are happy. Life as Duchess was far, far much better than you had expected it’d be, a lot less restrictive than you had prepared for it to be.

But…

You can’t lie to yourself. You’ve been feeling a sense of discontent from the very second you stepped into the gala venue. Perhaps for even longer, though it hadn’t been especially felt until this moment. Not until you held this baby in your arms.

You want a baby, too, you had realized. Motherhood. A child all yours, calling you momma and toddling into your arms. You had been unable to stop yourself from feeling the little bud of jealousy towards your friend, because you knew you’d likely never experience such a thing due to your unique situation.

John has his own partners whom he loves. You weren’t among that list, and you didn’t particularly enjoy the idea of having sex with another man with the potential risk of your parents, or anyone else, asking for a paternity test because you know someone would ask. Your mother, probably; she was always warning you not to whore yourself out, and your father didn’t even need to say anything-

“My dear?”

John’s concerned voice pulls you out of your thoughts, his hand gentle on your elbow, and it’s only then you realize you had been staring down at the baby with such sadness, so not befitting of such a beautiful gala. So you shake your head, clearing your thoughts, and turn to him and your friend's husband.

When the baby squirms, you coo softly and hand him back to your friends, gentle and careful. That's when you turn to John, giving him a simple smile. "Yes, Your Grace?"

The worry remains on his face, less visible however, and his eyes look over you carefully. Your friends are too busy with their son and showing him off to care about what you two are saying in the corner he’s led you to. "Are you alright?”

As if you’d ever tell him what the issue is. You don’t want to make John feel pressured into this, of all things. You’d rather be divorced than do so, and that should speak volumes on its own.

It’s a silly want, anyways. You have everything you could possible need right now, married and stable. You aren’t about to ruin it with your own two hands.

So you nod your head, and brush away all thoughts of a little baby cradled in your arms. “Yes, I am. I was just lost in thought. Shall we return to the party?”

John observes you for a few seconds more, and then he sighs and nods. “Very well. Would you do me the honor of this dance, my dear Duchess?”

Between the dazzling lights and John’s arms, you can almost forget the lingering desire.

But over the next few days after the gala, it becomes clear to John- to all your the men that something is terribly bothering you. There is a lingering sadness around you so profound even your maids have sensed it, wondering if perhaps you and the Duke have finally had your first fight… but he looks even more more worried and confused than them. You weren’t mad at anyone, that much he could tell, but he didn’t understand the heartache plaguing you.

“…are you sick, my lady?” Kyle asks you one day, placing down a tray of fresh desserts. Your favorites, all made by Johnny himself, yet you barely flick a look towards it.

“Not at all. Thank you, Kyle, but I’m afraid I can’t eat anything at the moment.” Your reply is soft, patient, as it always is, but the furrow in your brows remain and your frown deepens. Kyle hates it. He hates it so, so much. You’ve even stopped taking your usual break-walks, staying inside your room and asking for nothing in particular.

“My lady,” he presses on, voice softer. Comes to stand close to you, and holds his elbow out. “Maybe a walk, then? You look tired. Some sun might do you good- or a picnic? I can pack the desserts and-”

You avoid his eyes and look away, shaking your head. “Thank you, but my answer’s the same, Kyle. I’d just… like to be left alone, please. Could I trouble you to also inform John I won’t be joining him for dinner tonight?”

You are simply glad you managed to hide the little paper you’d been writing on before he came in. Baby names, for the babies you’d never have. It certainly didn’t help make your mood better, but you couldn’t help yourself. Looking at John, or any of them, also made you feel guilty anew.

“…not a problem, my lady. I’ll leave the desserts here for you just in case.”

Several days later, it’s Johnny who comes to you. You are alone in the conservatory, trying hard to get over this stupid, lingering feeling. It’s silly, you know it is, but… ugh.

Johnny says nothing even when you call his name out with a questioning tone, and much to your shock, he kneels down to take your hands in his. It’s so wholly inappropriate, and you look around in fear of anyone seeing.

“No one’s around, m’lady,” Johnny shakes his head, not letting your hands go yet.

“Johnny-“

“No one’s around.” He repeats, firmly, and his eyes gaze at you. “M’lady. Have we made ye angry? Has anyone made you upset? Is my food not to your liking?”

“Johnny…” you sigh, shaking your head. Inwardly, you scold yourself for bothering everyone like this. This should have been your issue alone to solve and hide. “No, no. Nothing like that. I just need some time alone, in general.”

“But why-“

“No particular reason.” You quickly cut him off, gently pulling your hands away. “Please, Johnny. I’ll get better soon, promise. But I just… need time.”

But the desire, the longing, still remains. You can’t even confide in anyone, so you also feel painfully lonely on top of everything else. John is still searching, still trying to find what or who’s made you like this, but not even your closest maids are of help.

Still, while you wished to wallow your misery away in your rooms and office, you didn’t have much choice when you’d received an invitation to the opera troupe funded by the Price duchy; making an appearance was a must, and unfortunately John had a very important meeting that day so Simon is the one to accompany you.

“You’ve been sad lately.” Simon doesn’t beat around the bush, all the lights focused on the stage so you are both draped in shadows, hidden from sight.

You turn to him, a refusal on your lips already-

“No.” He shakes his head. “You aren’t just tired, Duchess. You are sad. Everyone can see it, and it’s making us worried. All of us.” He adds, not letting you latch onto your usual excuse. Performance ignored, his entire attention is on you.

And you are just- too tired. Ashamed of yourself, you sigh.

“It’s awful of me…” your whisper, bottom lip quivering. “I-… I want a baby, Simon.” You admit, so softly and quietly you don’t look at his reaction to see if he’d even heard you in the first place. You shouldn’t be telling him of all people your issues, but- you can’t help yourself. “A child. I want to experience motherhood, but- I don’t, I refuse to put such a burden on John, or get in the way between all of you again-“

You ramble on, not meeting his eyes. Your hands are tembling around the mask you’d taken off, holding it in your lap.

Simon?

Simon can’t take his eyes off your stomach. You. You, pregnant; swollen and glowing with a child. Maybe children, even. Their children. His. He can’t believe this is what has had you so upset for so long; did you think they- John- would say no to you?

“Darling, ” The nickname slips out; he couldn’t help himself. He is glad the no one is paying attention to them, in the higher rows. Simon laces your pinkies together, raising your hand to kiss your knuckles, silencing your worried rambling. “Darling. Let us return home. Staying here isn’t doing you any good. Tonight, I want you to let Kyle spoil you with a warm bath, and for you to eat and then sleep. Rest. Tomorrow, we’ll speak. I’ll inform the troupe leader you weren’t feeling too well.”

“I- I… speak about what? What?”

Simon simply ushers you out, to the awaiting carriage. He doesn’t answer any of your questions, even when you pout and the it makes your lipstick glisten to prettily, though if you can feel that his hands are inappropriately tight around your waist, you simply blame it on your tightened corset.

At home, you are still confused. Simon is acting off, staring at you with a look that makes you all flustered, but you don’t protest when Kyle gently leads you away.

You’ll get your answers tomorrow, you are sure. But in the meantime…

“She wants a baby, John,” Simon groans, repeating the words again. His jacket is thrown off to the side, sleeves rolled up his elbows. Even from here, he can see how John eyes them appreciatively. “A baby, John. Seeing her pregnant-“

Another groan, but the one comes from between John’s thighs. Johnny, hands tied behind his back with Simon’s belt because the second he found out what the issue he was so, so ready to go and beg you to let him fix it. A bairn is what you want, a bairn is what he’ll give you- chunky, adorable, and hopefully looking like you.

John had to hold him back, though. He wants nothing more than to do the same, kiss you breathless and promise he’ll give you as many as you want, but he also knows you need a clear, rested head before he speaks with you.

The thought of seeing your pregnant, though, has his fist tightening in Johnny’s hair.

“I know. Fuck, I know, Si. Tomorrow, I’ll speak to her.”

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