#and they gave me fucking aleve

[ghostinthegallery]

I wish I knew what about my vibe exudes to doctors "yeah, give this ho the weakest pain meds we got" and how I could...not do that

[dubacheryking]

Weird limbo of "I don't really think I've developed any addictions" and "I am stuck between doing drugs and feeling suicidal, not sure which is better tbh" rn. What the fuck.

[magpiepills]

Same Time Next Week

Rating: EXPLICIT 18+ MDNI

Pairing: Marcus Moreno x f! Massage therapist reader

Word count: 4.5k

Summary: Marcus is lonely and burnt out and visits a spa that offers more than the usual services to help him relax.

Warnings: smut. pegging, anal, tit job, hand job, pussy job, sumata, prostate stimulation, anal fingering, sex work, coming untouched, praise kink, slight sub/dom vibes, subspace kind of, erotic massage, writer knows nothing about massages, many liberties taken.

A word from the author: this is a repost! This was my contribution to the 2024 Peg That Middle Aged Man Campaign! PLEASE check out the other fics from this project, they are magnificent. you can read them all here!

Marcus’s body is sore. A week of wielding his swords, running, jumping, and grappling with foes left him feeling tight and tense. His muscles burnt with every effort, his neck was stiff, his mind was heavy with the weight of the world’s expectations and his team’s reliance on him to lead them. It wore on him. It broke him down, it took everything he had both physically and mentally. That’s without considering the unique stress of being a single parent and a widow. It takes a toll being pulled in so many different directions.

Reaching for a bottle of Aleve, he knew it wasn’t enough to fix him. It would take off the edge and he would take up the yoke of being the leader of the Heroics again tomorrow. He sank back on his bed and swam in self pity. He needed to be touched, needed the gentle hand of someone who understood him, cared for him, loved him. He wanted to come home to a woman again. Wanted someone warm and soft in his bed at the end of a long day to rub his back and take his cock. He ached there, too. Never having the time to meet anyone. Relationships and connections take time and care and Marcus didn’t have that. He gave that up when his wife was taken from him. With her gone, he took the promotion at work and began his life of lonely servitude. His body was no more for love, he decided, just a utility. He reminded himself every time he was awake in his bed, fucking his fist to thoughts of a warm, wet someone.

He carried on, focused on his primary roles as father and hero, head held high, no crack in his strong exterior. Passionate, but opaque.

He must have let it slip, though. In the car, driving back to HQ in the dark, battered and exhausted from defeating yet another malevolent alien invader, he rubbed his palms into his eyes and loosened his tactical vest.

Miracle Guy nodded at him from the other side of the car.

“You look like you need to relax.”

Marcus huffed a dry laugh, “Yeah. Maybe one day.”

“Maybe you need some help. I know somebody really good at it.” His tone was light, but the implication was heavy, the glint in his eye saying plenty.

Opening his wallet, he held out a slip of creased paper between two fingers. Just an email address and the word ”spa” scribbled next to it. Marcus scowled, but tucked it into his wallet and looked out the window, watching the city lights, ignoring the flutter in his chest.

Two weeks passed before he had the nerve to send a note to the address. It took some convincing. He rolled it around in his mind while he made dinner for Missy, and later in the shower. Finally, that night as he held a heating pad to his back he made up his mind to stop thinking and just act. He felt forward and strange, unsure of what he was getting into. Miracle Guy got into some questionable things, but he was also always pretty content. Nothing to lose. Marcus reminded himself before typing out a message- “My friend says you can help me relax.”

•••••

Tucked in the back corner of a mostly empty parking lot, where the street lights glow yellow and reflect in the puddles left by late summer rain - if they work at all, sat a dilapidated strip mall. Once bustling, now it housed a peddler’s mall, a vape shop, a nail salon, a pawn shop, and your own little business. It was the kind of place people avoided and that was fine by you. You didn’t need to hang a shingle to attract your clientele. You weren’t listed in the phone book. Your scant social media presence was an Instagram account featuring pictures of the waiting room, the massage room, and some generic pictures of flowers and stacked stones. You listed no address or business hours. Fontaine Day Spa. Email for pricing. The right people would find you.

The only indication that your storefront was occupied was a flickering pink and red neon sign reading “SPA” between the plate glass and the thick curtains that offered privacy as well as sanctuary. You worked hard to create an oasis, a place of peace and rejuvenation, a place of relief, a place for minds and bodies to be centered under your guidance and touch. Massage, salt therapy, facials and guided stretching to help your clients feel present in their bodies.

“I’m ready for you, Mr. Moreno.”

One of your favorite regular clients sat placidly in your waiting room. Soft ambient sounds and a plush rug set the mood for your time together. Marcus has been a client for the last few months, coming in for help unwinding. Your services gave him what he couldn’t find on his own. Peace, relaxation, release. By now Marcus was familiar with the routine. He entered, removed his shoes and placed them on the shelf by the curtained alcove where he undressed, showered using your rosemary and mint soap, hen slipped on a soft cotton robe. His clothes took their place by his shoes, thick framed glasses perched on top, and he waited, breathing deep, cleansing breaths to begin his scheduled escape from duty.

Marcus first showed up a few months back, wide-eyed and skittish, handsome and familiar, like you’d seen him before. He was handsome. He stood in your lobby fidgeting with his keys, looking at the floor, looking for a quick escape. He didn’t ask for water, but he accepted the glass you brought him, sipping it gratefully, before setting it aside to fill out the form you’d given him.

He couldn’t deny the disappointment of finding that the spa really was just a spa, and the form asked about problem areas, services he wanted, and massage preferences. Of course this wasn’t that kind of spa. He felt guilty for even considering this could be anything like a seedy rub and tug happy ending massage parlor. Sure you were a beautiful woman in a tank top that skimmed your tits and stomach and leggings that he swore he could see the cleft of your pussy through, but you probably just do yoga here too and wear what is comfortable. He was ashamed of where he had let his mind wander. How flexible he thought you might be. He shook the thought from his head.

He finished the form and handed it back, feeling sheepish.

His polite and mild demeanor made you want to give him everything. So often your clients were brash and demanding, demeaning and crude. You handled them all with finesse and kept pepper spray handy just in case. Marcus didn’t strike you as the type, though. You had talked briefly over email, he got your contact from another frequent client, one you’d worked with a lot and enjoyed your time with. In the emails nothing of your secret menu was mentioned. You began to wonder if he knew what he was really paying for.

“Mister Moreno, did Miracle Guy- uh Lloyd- tell you about the services I offer here? How I help him?”

Marcus stared blankly for a moment before his brain was able to form a response. Your question made him feel nervous and he stumbled over his words. “He said you help him relax. And he- the paper he gave me said ‘spa,’ so I just thought he must get massages...” He trailed off, unsure if that was a sufficient answer.

You knew his friend well. A handsome blonde that liked things a little rougher. You’d have to remember to thank him for referring his gorgeous friend to you.

Endeared by his naivety, you smiled and placed the clipboard on the table next to his water. You settled on the little sofa next to him, tucking one leg under you and leaning closer.

“I’m here to help, Mr. Moreno. There are a lot of ways people can reclaim their bodies.” You kept your tone as soft and even as you could. You wanted him to understand you, wanted him to ask for what he really needed. It was as clear as day across his face, but he would need to ask. “There’s massage, meditation, yoga, breathing exercises, mindfulness. I can help with all of those.” Marcus nodded and you could see his mind racing to put together the puzzle you were handing him the pieces to. “But that’s not all. Some people need help connecting other ways. Your friend Lloyd, he needs a more personal service. I don’t advertise it, but I could help if your needs are more intimate. Do we understand each other, Marcus?”

He continued to nod, furrowing his brow. Marcus wasn’t sure that he understood what you were offering him. He blinked back the embarrassment that started to creep

Up his cheeks from his flushed chest. “I want what Lloyd gets. He recommended you so it must be working for him.” He smiled now, more confident now that he feels he’s maybe starting to understand the dance you’re doing. He still wasn’t sure what he was asking for, but he was ready for whatever you had in store.

He liked your smile, how warm and disarming you were. The way you made him feel cared for, even after just talking for a few minutes. He gave himself to you, do what you must.

The first appointment was a little awkward. Marcus felt clumsy, unsure of himself, out of his depths, but you were there to facilitate it all, guiding him to the shower, showing him where to put his things, wrapping him in a warm robe, and telling him it was ok to let his body lead him, it was ok for him to touch you, to look at you, to ask for what he would like. Anything he would like. “Would it be ok

If I took off my shirt?” You asked, so concerned for his comfort. His cock twitched between his body and the soft pad of the table as he watched to toss your shirt into a chair in the corner, as you began rubbing him down. He closed his eyes when he realized he was staring at the way your breasts curved, the point of your nipples, the movement of your body as you worked. He loved how comfortable you were, how in control of your space.

You started with a massage, working gently across his broad back, you saw how his eyes followed you, how he shifted his hips on the table. You might be guilty of cutting his back massage a little short, but you needed to move to the rest of the service. He hesitated to roll onto his back. “I uh, I just need a minute.” You reassured him, told him getting hard was expected, that it was a compliment, that you just wanted to make him feel good. Reminded him he could tell you if there was anything he needed as you kneaded the firm muscles of his thighs. He was hard and weeping, beautiful thick cock desperate for attention. You teased up his hips, hands on either side of his length. His lips fell open, eyes trained on you, and he whimpered so softly. “Do you need me here, Marcus?” You purred to him and he swallowed thickly, “Yes. Please.”

From that first appointment together, you’d expertly stroked his cock to completion, showering him with praise. “So handsome, so good, letting me take care of you. Such a big cock, Marcus.” You always started with a massage, though they got shorter each time, the main event requiring more of your short time. You sucked his cock, gagging for him as he filled your throat, you squeezed him between your oiled tits, letting him come

on your chest and neck, generously allowing him to snap

a picture with his phone, something you never allowed with anyone else. You let him watch as you soaked your panties in warm oil, making the thin material cling to every fold. When you had gotten yourself off under his gaze, you climbed on top of him and rubbed your swollen, slick pussy lewdly over his cock, so careful to never let him slip inside even if you needed to feel him inside you. He came, hissing and spurting across his belly. Impulsively, you scooped up some of him cum on your finger and brought it to his lips, feeding it to him. The look

On his face gave you the confidence to push him further and further, trying new things often, but never letting him fuck you. Your own mouth, pussy, and ass we’re off limits. You couldn’t let yourself cross the line from service into intimacy. You made the rule yourself and had never been tempted to break it.

•••••

The room you led him to was warm and dim, lit only by a few pillar candles and the amber glow of a salt lamp on a shelf displaying various oils, lotions, smooth stones, and the other tools you’d use to let Marcus drop away from the stress and responsibilities of his life. The air was scented with the incense you’d lit just before Marcus’s arrival, earthy and warm, notes of spice that played together with the soothing ambience of your studio to lull the sometimes super hero into heavy, trance-like relaxation.

The leader of The Heroics didn’t wait for you to leave the room before he slipped the robe from his shoulders, laying it across the chair in the corner, and climbing onto your table and settling with a sigh. You stared at the width of his strong shoulders and the flexing muscles of his long legs, dark hair dusting from his thick thighs down this calves. He was a beautiful man. You straightened the small modesty towel covering his pelvis as he shifted his body, letting him settle and sink back into the padded surface of the wide massage table before arranging it over his half hard cock. You allowed yourself a half moment to admire the thick, dark, curling hair that led below the towel and up below his belly button, then stripped off your shirt, leaving you in only your soft leggings.

“Are you comfortable, Marcus?”

“Yes, thank you. I am.” He was always polite. He never leered or took advantage, just gave himself over to your expert touch. You could tell he wasn’t quite comfortable yet, usually just coming in the door lifted the invisible weight from his shoulders. Today he would need more help to get there, but soon he would be putty, pliant and submissive in your hands. Tonight you’d make it extra special, really take your time with him, pulling him apart bit by bit, then arranging him back together better than when he came in.

Just as before, you massaged him with warm, scented oil that you drizzled first across the expanse of his chest, using your palms, your knuckles, your forearms to work out the tension that settled there. You worked your way down his torso, slicking him up as you went, relishing in the soft grunts and sighs that your ministrations pulled from him. Before each movement, you explained what you would be doing next. There were never surprises. He knew exactly what was coming.

As you moved to his arms, rotating his shoulder, pulling gently, letting his forearm rest between your breasts as you kneaded down his bicep. His fingers flexed and his eyes opened just enough to see your soft smile, your pointed nipples, the shine of your chest where the oil has transferred from him to you. His empty brain stirred with images of other ways he would like to coat your chest. The thoughts floated away, and his eyes closed again, but his cock came alive, swelling as it always did under your masterful touch. The small movement didn’t escape your notice. Finishing his right arm, you gently guided it back to his side before moving to repeat the process on his left arm. This time, you raised his arm and let his palm rest against your clavicle as you smoothed your fingers along his tight muscles. His thumb swept softly across your skin, but the rest of him was still, his only movement the rise and fall of his diaphragm. He was nearly where you wanted him. You let his knuckles brush against your nipple as you arranged his arm, noting the way his eyebrows furrowed slightly at the contact. Perfect.

You moved to the bottom of the table and cupped more oil into your hand, smoothing it up his shins to his knees, focusing there for a few moments before adjusting his leg to bend his knee and plant his foot on the table. The angle allowed you to massage his calf and the back of his thigh. You enjoyed the way the soft flesh there slipped under your hands. While you kneaded at his legs, each in turn, the modesty towel slipped up, granting you a peek at his now turgid member. Of course you’ve seen it before in the course of your sessions together, but each time felt like the first. Marcus was thick, he had a tanned shaft with a smooth foreskin hugging a rosy head. It made your mouth water to see him hard, but this time together wasn’t about what you needed.

As you finished his legs, you gently returned them to the table, signaling the end of this portion of your service.

“Marcus?” You called to him softly, stroking his warm, oil slicked chest from his shoulder, down his side to just over his hip. His eyes were glassy, but his plush lips curled into a relaxed smile at the sound of your voice.

“I want you to turn over, Marcus.” He hummed, acknowledging your request but his brain was foggy and his body responded slowly. You kept your hand on him, grounding him, reassuring him with your presence and gentle touch. You made sure he was steady as he sat up, swinging his legs over the side.

“I’m going to set up for the rest of the session. It’ll only take a moment.” Your voice was soft and cool, reassuring Marcus as you handed him a glass of water to sip while you took a cushioned wedge from it’s spot below the table and positioned it just so, then left the room to slip into your equipment- a sturdy black harness with a ring to hold the purple dildo Marcus favored. It wasn’t the largest in your collection, but it was thick and gently curved. It hung between your legs as you wrapped yourself in your own robe and grabbed a couple plush towels, rejoining Marcus. His expression was tranquil, and it made you happy to see him so at ease. He had come a long way since his first appointment.

With the towels in place over the wedge, you helped Marcus get in position, on his knees, pert ass up and elbows on the table. He took a moment to settle as you climbed onto the table behind him, arranging your supplies on a tray nearby. You covered him once more, more out of courtesy than practicality. You could see his chest expanding and heard his breathing deepen as you dropped your robe. Marcus groaned softly when he felt your cock against the back of his thigh.

“Are you ready, Marcus? I’m going to begin now.”

He grunted and squirmed slightly, but remembered to give you a verbal response. “Yeah. Yes. Ready, please.”

Once more you dipped your fingers into the oil and let it drip down his spine, watching as it slid before following its path with one palm and then the other. He was so warm under your hands. His skin was so smooth, golden and freckled across his shoulders. “You’ve done really well tonight, Marcus.” You praised, leaning your weight into his shoulder blades, working out the knots, kneading at his neck. You plotted your way back up his spine and massaged his hips, and you felt him stir, tensing in anticipation.

“I want you to keep breathing now, Marcus. Deep, cleansing breaths.” You counted with him, four seconds in, seven seconds to hold, and eight seconds out. As you counted for him, you moved again to the back of his thighs, higher this time, removing his towel to massage and stroke his ass. His cock and balls hung between his spread thighs, leaking precum onto your towel, smearing the fluid as you manipulated his nearly limp body.

You couldn’t help your own arousal, feeling it seep from your aching pussy. Marcus was so beautiful and he surrendered so completely to you. He was strong, powerful, and deadly, but on your table he was yours to mold however you pleased. He was under you, taking whatever you gave him, waiting for you alone to decide what he needed, grateful for your attention and your discretion. You wondered if under other circumstances he might be the one bending you ever and covering your holes in lube.

Marcus often wondered the same, but he knew he couldn’t ask, couldn’t ruin this relationship, if you could call it that. He would never tell you how you became the someone he imagined alone in his bedroom or in the shower. Instead he just tried to enjoy what he had. A beautiful woman that would do nearly anything to make him come, make him forget about everything outside of this oasis. One he felt comfortable enough with to suggest the things he had always wanted to try, knowing you’d be enthusiastic.

“Are you ready, Marcus? I’m going to get you ready, gotta get you nice and relaxed so you can take my cock.

“Yes” He breathed, no other words necessary or possible now.

Your mind wandered and your cunt throbbed as you rubbed crescents with your thumbs around his tight ring of muscle, feeling him tense and relax, acclimating to the sensation and the pressure. You dripped more thick lube and spread it over and around his asshole with your thumbs, varying the speed and pressure, using your other fingers to hold his cheeks apart.

Monitoring for signs of discomfort or tightness in his muscles, you watched his beautiful face. His eyes were closed, lips parted slightly, sighing breathily, humming with pleasure. His mustache twitched, making you smile at the little tells he always displayed when he was entering the mental space that he paid you so handsomely to escort him to. He was ready.

With little resistance, you pressed your thumb into his ass. You were slow and gentle, taking your time before adding the other, fucking into him at an unhurried pace. When he began to push back into your hands, seeking more, you gently pulled away, silently reminding him of his role with soothing caresses over his cheeks and down his back. When he settled again, you squeezed a generous amount of lube onto your fingers and spread it over him, this time entering him with your middle and index finger, reaching deeper, teasing at the tender little spot inside him until he moaned. “Please,” He murmured, “yes, yes…” and you could have made him come. A few more strokes and he may have come just like that. Neither of you were ready for this to be over so soon, though.

Once more you took your hand away and massaged his back, praising him for being so relaxed, for staying so still, for opening up for you like a good boy. He opened his eyes, glassy and soft, no trace of the hyper vigilance he was accustomed to to be found.

More lube, this time slicking down your thick purple cock. Marcus was ready. You pressed the smooth head against his asshole and eased it past that tight ring, slowly, steadily, you began to fuck his ass. He whimpered and stretched his arms, extending them in front of him, lengthening his spine like a cat. His muscles rippled, he sighed, and your pussy throbbed. You sped your thrusts, enjoying the sight of him taking you with ease now. No amount of practice or professionalism could stop the lust from dripping over your words as you encouraged him.

“You’re taking my cock so well, Marcus. You let me stretch you right out, did so good for me. Let me take care of you just how you need.” It all came out a velvety purr, eliciting soft groans from below you. You wished you could see his face tonight.

Marcus was warm, feeling brightened and whole when you were in control, he loved how you knew just what he needed, made him feel safe, a feeling he wasn’t used to as the man that everyone else relied on for protection. “Yes, oh fuck. Yes. Want your cock. Feels so good.” Marcus babbled as you pumped into his tight ass. He whimpered and groaned and his hips tilted, feeling his release rush at him as your cock hit that special spot inside him that no one had ever touched before you.

You prided yourself on keeping things interesting. You noticed that Marcus was finding most benefit from giving up control and letting you make the choices for him. Always a first class full body massage followed by a mind blowing orgasm once he had reached a state of deep and total relaxation. Sometimes you stood at the side of the table and fucked him slowly while he lay on his side and you stroked his cock, paying special attention to the spot behind his balls until he came hard across the table.

Sometimes you had him on his back, knees bent, ass full of that favorite toy as you pulsed your hips up and into him, giving him a slippery double fisted handy until he came, painting his own belly and chest with thick white cum.

Tonight though, this might be his new favorite. Face down, ass up while you drove into him at a steady pace, never taking your hands from his hips, his back, wherever you could reach while you spoke so tenderly to him. Your hands held him like he held his swords, firm and sure, practiced and precise. Marcus knew you didn’t care for him, but you fucked him like you did, and the way you reassured him, praised him, stretched and filed him made him bury his face in his arms as he moaned, “Fuck! Fuck, gonna come. Gonna come!” His breath caught in his throat as you filled him with one last deep thrust, pushing your thighs into the back of his. You wished you could feel the way he squeezed your purple cock as he came untouched with a muffled moan, cum staining the towels you had covered the cushion with. He really wanted to kiss you.

Another glass of water, another quick shower, and a complimentary envelope of lavender scented Epsom salts later and Marcus was standing at your door, redressed in his shirt and tie, thick rimmed glasses framing his big, sad eyes. “Thank you. I..” he started, but couldn’t find the words he wanted. “Thank you for everything.” You put your hand on his shoulder and guided him back out into the parking lot, “I’ll see you next week, Marcus.” Locking up behind him, switching off the neon light, you thought maybe you did care about him a little.

[if-i-am-not-for-me]

Hi! It's me! A person who had their stomach seriously fucked up due to irresponsible personal use of non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs (NSAIDs). Learn from me, because gastric ailments are hell.

First, I induced an allergy to ibuprofen/Advil by overuse. I had severe menstrual cramps as a middle-schooler and at the same time was undergoing pretty intense orthodontic treatment. I was popping Advil like candy and eventually started breaking out in a rash when I took it.

Then I switched to naproxen/Aleve, which was okay for a while, until I forgot the cardinal rule of NSAIDs. NEVER take NSAIDs without first eating at least a hearty snack, if not a full meal.

I took a few doses of Aleve without sufficient food in my stomach and was soon struck with extreme upper abdominal pain and serious nausea. I had given myself gastritis. I had to stick to a bland diet for a month, which helped but did not fully resolve the issue. I then gave up all forms of caffeine for a month, which got me closer, but still didn't resolve the problem entirely. So I was sick for months before I finally got it under control.

Even after the acute illness subsided I ended up being unable to consume coffee for over a year. Even just a few sips of coffee would lead me to being doubled over in agony while also feeling nauseated and dizzy. I eventually found this problem had resolved, after total abstinence from coffee and coffee-containing foods for more than 12 months.

To this day I still take a daily proton-pump-inhibitor to protect my stomach's mucus coating, and I can only take celecoxib, a prescription-only NSAID that has less effect on the stomach. If I forget my pills at home when I travel I can't simply stop by CVS or Duane Reade and grab a bottle.

Please eat before you take those pills!

[troglobite]

hm

well. nothing like having a full-blown identity crisis to help destabilize you further during a time when you're going to be completely fucking stressed out chasing down answers to all this health shit. lol

ANYWAY

so unmasking autism the book gave me the beginnings of a legitimate full-blown identity crisis. and then considering taking an online independent poetry class taught by a prof that i've worked w before & like triggered the rest of it.

and i've really just spent the rest of the week in fucking shambles. having really bad brain days. just falling apart. and then i woke up today already having an anxiety attack (my dreams were completely fine, so it wasn't even that) and then i've just felt. bad. all day.

and now after talking to my mom abt it for 2 hrs and just thinking out loud abt everything that's been eating me alive all week.

well. my neck and shoulders and jaw are incredibly tense. i have a headache. i cried a bit, which used up several of the tissues that we have left in the house (which isn't many--we urgently need more). i'm gonna have to take some aleve. and i'm tired and overwhelmed.

but also. i, for once in my life, actually felt the weight lift a bit after talking about it.

idk that that's. ever happened. usually it's something that i'm mad abt that happened to me or around me. and i'm just complaining or venting right.

but this was like.

legitimately it was eating away at me. and it was like. idk i couldn't figure out why. i was just like "i can't fucking deal w this rn" but then i just had to. i felt so bad talking to my mom. and i was being hyper critical of everything i'm doing rn, which is what i do when i'm Bad Brain.

i've been working on the next session for my miss frizzle game which is happening this sunday. and i had to make a sort of city layout map. and i just. felt so insecure and angry and frustrated abt it. and it felt like that opinion of it was validated. it's. not very good.

but i just kept berating myself abt it.

and it led into me talking abt this shit that's been eating me alive all week.

and finally saying it out loud...helped. and like i started talking abt it w my therapist today. but we have 50 mins and i had to catch her up on everything and i hadn't like properly sorted through it.

so it feels sort of like i just did.

nothing is fixed but at least it. makes more sense.

i'm basically having to start from the ground up, figuring out who i even am as a person, what i like, what i enjoy, what i value, all of it. bc all this time i thought i knew. and i didn't.

and i'm also realizing i do have. an "addictive" personality and that i've probably been right to avoid All Substances including caffeine. bc the thing i realized is that i've shaped my entirely life in pursuit of external validation at the expense of....p much everything else. i chose the path of least resistance in that direction, but i still chose it bc of external validation.

and it's just. so deeply upsetting and unsettling to realize everything i've done or decided or said i liked or pursued--was bc of external validation.

and to realize idk how to form internal opinions and emotions and experiences. idk how to recognize something that i actually enjoy, unless it's something that i unmistakably enjoy--like if there's physical evidence of how i'm feeling (e.g., crying and being unable to stop smiling or talking abt it after seeing hamlet in a theater for the first time).

otherwise? i have no idea how i feel abt most anything. i have phobias and aversions. i have comfort items and things and sensory preferences.

aaaaand........that's all i actually know abt myself, anymore.

and that's terrifying as a person who craves control and knowledge and stability to be able to operate in this world.

so yeah no wonder i've felt broken and fucked up all week.

no wonder, even though the weight has been lifted, i don't feel great right now.

and it's just like....why did i need to be given this project in addition to all of my health stuff?

and i'm also frustrated, bc if the pandemic had never happened, i would be teaching rn and not questioning anything bc that's the path i set myself on for whatever pile of reasons i had.

and tbh i probably wouldn't be experiencing half of the health problems i have, bc they're triggered by stress, and my BIGGEST source of stress is from the pandemic, which is more stress than i can knowingly remember.

so i'm just. really tired and beaten down and now i'm not even an "i" i literally don't know who i am anymore.

and not like the run of the mill "what am i doing in life" but quite literally looking back at 28 years and going

"jesus fucking christ. what have i missed out on bc i avoided things i wasn't immediately good at and didn't immediately get external validation abt? what things did i sacrifice or ignore in myself for the sake of pleasing ppl and making them like and praise me? what things do i actually enjoy? what do i ACTUALLY want to do with my life? who even am i? what are my values?"

what even is my personality?

anyway i need to not rehash this bc i'll get a little worked up again.

but it did. feel. good ???????? i genuinely don't know. to just. finally figure that out. what was eating at me. what was really unsettling me.

and that has left me with a million more concerns and questions and v few answers at all. but at least i have somewhere to pick up from w my therapist next friday.

okay i'm gonna use my neck/shoulder massager and try and get ready for bed. gotta run through my game tomorrow w my mom to make sure i'm prepared for sunday and everything makes sense. gotta print out all of my notes and stat blocks etc. got various things to do.

//sigh. okay.

[sits back and sighs]

just thought of another realization

i chose all three of my names sort of bc of other people.

i mean. shakespeare and being mexican are also important to me, so there's that.

but now i'm wondering if i struggled to choose my first name (which i'm still perfectly //shrug. happy with ? i have no strong opinion i don't think? i did cry when someone first used it for me i think though) is bc i literally just don't even have a sense of who i am as a person at all. lol

ANYWAY.

i'd really like to be done with these earth-shattering revelations that completely uproot everything i think i know abt my self and my world and my life.

being a lesbian, being genderqueer, being autistic, being disabled--and now not even knowing who i am as a person.

[SIGHS LOUDLY]

[brothed]

when ur mom denies any possiblitiy that you had a bad experience with your doctor, just bc hers was good <3

[kyxgrey]

.

[vannybarber]

The Prenup: Part Two

Summary: After four years of being together and finally being engaged, Chris wants you to sign a prenup.

Chris Evans x Reader

Warnings: angst, swearing, chris getting his ass handed to him, a lot of pain.

Part One

Walking down the isle, you grab everything that looks remotely pleasing in sight. After you left the house, you were just driving nowhere. Having to refill your tank because you wasted all the gas, the crackhead at the station kept singing Mambo Number 5 and it made you feel slightly better. Now you were in the convenience store spending your feelings away.

You get to the pain pills and grab some Aleve. Your head has been thumping for hours now. You see a pink box and knock a couple of those in the basket too just because they're pink. Whipping over to the candy isle, you grab multiple bags of Starburst jelly beans just to spite Chris because you know he loves them. Moments later, your basket it full and you head to the front.

Tipping the basket, you dump all the contents on the counter. The cashier gives you this look and you don't blame her. You had 3 bags of jellybeans, 5 random candy bars, 2 pink boxes you still can't read out, a blue Mountain Dew, a dog toy and some Doritos. Absolutely random. The cashier scans all the junk food, but when she gets to the pink boxes, she look up at you and at your left hand.

You're in a daze, so you don't see her looking at you. Your mind was all over the place and frankly, you didn't want to think about any of the latest events. Not the prenup. Not the engagement. Not Chris. Snapping into reality, you pay for your groceries and take all the bags and walk out the store.

On the drive to the hotel, you pass the park where you and Chris met. That didn't help with your predicament at all.

Dodger had gotten off his leash because he was so excited to finally have a home. You were with your niece. She is so obsessed with dogs and wanted to meet every one. Dodger spotted her and pounced on her, giving infinite kisses.

Chris was freaking out. His dog just pounced on a two year old child.

You, on the other hand, were laughing your ass off. Your niece wasn't complaining either because she kissed him back.

He apologized profusely and you guaranteed him it was okay. You guys hung out for the rest of the day and decided to go on another date, without the kids. One date lead to many others and soon enough you'd met his whole family, vice versa, and started living with him. It was unreal.

And here you are infront of a hotel, with no ring or engagement and your fianceé almost an hour away. Oh, how the tables have turned.

You get out and receive your room key. You head up to your room and set everything down. You were so tired and worn out. Getting comfortable in the bed, you knock out almost immediately.

Meanwhile, back at your house, it's pure chaos.

"Chris do you realize what the fuck you just did?"

Scott is practically screaming at his brother, pacing around the room.

"Scott can you fucking chill? You're not helping the situation" Chris snapped back at him. Scott stops and stares at him like he's an idiot.

"We wouldn't be in this situation if it wasn't for your stupid choices. Tell him Ma!" He looks at her to back him up. Lisa stands up from her seat and walks over to Chris.

"Now Scott, Chris is a grown man. He can handle this situation, right honey?" Her hands are on both his shoulders, looking for him to respond.

"There you go. You always do this! You always baby him up whenever he's in trouble." He rolls his eyes. Lisa draws back from Chris.

"No, I do not. I let all of you sort out your own issues, with my advice of course. Shanna, Carly, do I baby your brother?" Chris throws his head back in annoyance.

"Um, yeah kinda.."

"Sometimes...Ma, but not all the time of course"

They say at the same time. They hated to admit it but when it came to Chris, she mostly got him out his problems. He's not used to solving them on his own. Lisa utters incoherent words in disbelief.

"That's not important right now. My fianceé just called off our engagement and I don't know where she is!" Chris interrupts, getting everyone back into focus.

"Technically she's not your fianceé if she called the engagement off, but it's whatever..." Scott mumbles with his hands up. Chris shoots him a 'fuck off look'.

"Well have you tried calling her?" Carly asks him.

"Yes, but she's not picking up. She can hold quite the grudge when it comes to her feelings." And he was right. You were very protective of your feelings and anything to harm that will be shut down ASAP.

"Well we just have to hope that she is trusting her better judgment and will come back, unlike someone in the room" Scott says sarcastically turning and sitting on the couch. Chris smacks his lips.

"Scott that's enough!" Lisa snaps.

"Well he deserves everything he's getting! He put himself in this situation. Now he doesn't have a wife and he's miserable. Could never be me."

Chris had enough. He moved quickly put his chair and into the bedroom, slamming the door shut. He sat at the edge of the bed and cried.

You had finally woken up and check your phone.

26 missed calls | 63 messages.

You text Lisa and tell her you're fine. Closing the app, you look at your homescreen. It's a picture of Chris laying on your chest asleep. His lips are parted and you're grinning in the screen. He looks like an adorable puppy. You grab your charger out your bag and plug it up.

Remembering the stuff you bought, you grab the jellybeans and open them. Seeing the assortment of colors, you go straight for the red ones. Chris' favorite. You were gonna milk this to the bone. You reach in the bag and feel one of the pink boxes you bought. Still not knowing what it was, you pull it out and read it.

First Response Pregnancy

You bought a damn pregnancy test. 2 to be exact. You didn't know if you wanted to laugh or to smack yourself for wasting your money. Many thoughts went through your mind. Should you take the tests? Should you throw it away? What if you were pregnant? That last thought gave you shivers. Pregnant at a time like this? Were you even ready?

Looking down at the test, you decide to take it. Just for the hell of it. You knew you weren't gonna be pregnant because you take birth control. Not to mention you and Chris use condoms for extra measure. Nothing wrong with being safe.

You get up, pad to the bathroom and get down to business. You do all the steps and clean up after yourself. Now you just had to wait.

You were nervous as hell. You don't know why though. There isn't a chance you could be pregnant because you didn't allow there be one. You have been beyond careful. There would be zero possibility. Or so you thought.

After what felt like 5 minutes, your shakey hand grab the test and flip it over.

| |

You freeze and your eyes dart to the information section.

Not Pregnant- |

Pregnant- | |

You look back at the results. There were two lines. Absentmindedly, you shake your head and back up until your back hits the wall. You can't be pregnant. There's literally no freaking way. It's got to be false.

You grab the other test and take it. After 5 more minutes, you check it and there's two lines also. Now you were freaking the fuck out. Both tests are positive. You rush back in the room and dig through the bag for the other box. You grab it and take both tests at the same time. Don't ask.

After another 5 minutes, you stare at the back of the two tests. Moment of truth. You flip both the tests at the same time.

| | on each test.

This is where you fall on the floor in shock and fear. You were pregnant. With Chris' child. And you guys just had a huge fall out and you're all alone. You're not ready for a kid. Especially not now.

You bury your head in your hands and let the tears fall. How in the hell were you gonna tell him?

taglist:

@flattykawa1 @mayafatimakhan @attitude-times @shawn-youth @traceyaudette @fantasticinternetpizza @kyraroseficreblogs33 @radi0active-thoughts @youthought-iwasa-nicegirl @ohbarracuda @katelyneannxo @jennamarieee623 @nicochantez @craycraycraic @ilikeurdad @ppal3 @captainson-of-coul @joanne-stan @ilovetheeagles @cristinagronk16 @kelbabyblue @onyourgoddamnleft @jessyballet @misz-adrii @geminievans1 @saltyflowermakertaco @a-moment-captured @harrysthiccthighss @greatbatprofessordragon

i hope this part kept you guys' intrest like the first part😭 i felt the pressure today lmao

if you're bolded, i couldn't tag you. i'll personally message you ❤ thank you guys for your support. it means so much to me 🤧

[trekchik]

It’s been kind of a slow day in the radiology department and Bucky is bored. He’s managed to catch up on all the x-rays sent to him for diagnostics, he’s straightened his desk, and even wiped down the break room. He hasn’t had this little to do since he can’t remember when. 

He’s about to open his phone when one of the ER nurses, Sam, comes in with a handful of files. “ER just got busy,” he says.

“Oh, thank god,” Bucky says, taking the folders from Sam. He sets them down by the light box and pulls the first patient. He sticks the x-ray in the box and looks it over. 

“Bennett, Josie. Ten years old. Fell off her skateboard onto her wrist,” Sam supplies. 

Bucky’s fingers dance over the film. “She’s got a hairline fracture right here,” he says pointing to the head of her ulna. He pulls the x-ray from the box and hands it to Sam who places it back in the folder. Bucky quickly enters his notes into the computer by the light box as Sam pulls out another piece of film. 

“Tyler, Marcus. Sixty-five years old. Took a fall in the bathroom. Said his ankle just gave out on him.” 

Bucky places the film on the box and studies it. “I don’t see anything wrong here. He looks good.” Once again, he hands Sam the film and types his notes into the computer. 

“Whoa!” Sam says. “You’re gonna want to actually see this patient,” he says, smirking. 

“I don’t DO patients,” Bucky says, grumpiness seeping through. “You know that.”

“Oh, you’re gonna wanna do this one. Got an excellent Throckmorton’s Sign on it.” 

“What are you? Twelve?” Bucky asks, holding out his hand for the film. As soon as he puts it in the light box, he knows Sam is right. Holy shit. That’s a hell of a Throckmorton. It’s been a long time since he’s seen a dick that big flaccid. Bucky whistles in appreciation. 

“I told you,” Sam says. “Rogers, Steve. Thirty-one. Fell off a ladder onto his left hip.” 

“He’s lucky,” Bucky says. “I don’t see anything.” 

“Other than that huge dick of his?” Sam says. 

“Shut up, Wilson.” 

“You want to tell him he’s good?” Sam teases.

Bucky pauses and thinks for a moment. “Is he cute?”

Sam nods. “I’m thinking about asking him out.” 

“You’re straight.”

“My point.” 

“All right, let’s go,” Bucky says. He quickly grabs a Post-It and writes “Back in Ten” on it, slapping it on the door on the way out. 

When they get to the ER, Sam hands Bucky the file and directs him to the bay Steve is in. Bucky takes a breath and pulls back the curtain. “Mr. Rogers?”

The man who turns to face him is fucking gorgeous. Bucky is a little awestruck by his beauty. Sculpted jaw and cheekbones, blonde hair, piercing blue eyes, lips that look like they could suck the chrome off a bumper. 

“Yeah,” he says, shifting a bit in the bed. He’s still in some pain apparently. “What’s up, doc?” he says, unironically. 

“Sorry. I’m your radiologist, Bucky. I just wanted to let you know that your x-ray looks good and after Dr. Stark goes over it with you, you’ll probably be free to go.” 

“Nothing’s broken?” Steve asks. 

“Not that I could see. Now, the doc may have you go for an MRI to be sure, but there’s nothing on the x-ray I could see.” 

“That’s a good thing,” Steve says. 

“Very.” Bucky takes a deep breath before he continues. “Look, this is going to sound weird -”

“Okay….”

“But I saw you come in earlier,” (a little white lie won’t hurt anyone) “and I know you’re in some discomfort -”

“Pain. Pain is the word I’d use,” Steve says. 

“Fair enough. But I don’t suppose that when you’re up and able, you’d want to get a coffee or something?” 

Steve’s mouth drops open and Bucky knows he’s gone too far. He’s gonna get reported and fired for sure. At least his resume is up to date. He thinks. He really should check on that. 

“You’re asking me out.”

“Yes?” Bucky says hesitantly. 

“While I’m in the ER.” 

“Okay, you know what? Bad idea.” Bucky turns to leave the enclosure. 

“No, no. I didn’t say it was a bad idea.” 

“No?”

“Just, really, really unexpected.”

Just then the curtain flings open and Dr. Stark stands there. “Hey, Barnes. Whatcha doing here?”

“I was just, uh, letting Mr. Rogers know that his x-ray looks good.”

“Huh. Isn’t that my job?” Stark asks. He holds out his hands for the file, which Bucky hands him. Stark pulls the x-ray out of the folder and holds it up to the light. “Nice Throckmorton,” he says. 

“What’s that?” Steve asks. 

“Oh, nothing. Just a spot on the pelvis.” He side eyes Bucky, who blushes and looks away. “If Barnes says you’re good to go, you probably are,” Stark says. 

“No MRI?” Steve asks. 

“No. I’d say follow up with your ortho in two to four days. If you’re still having pain, he or she may send you for one. What’s your pain level now?”

“Probably about a five,” Steve says. 

“I’ll write you a script for some Tylenol with codeine. Take them only if you really feel the need too. Otherwise, you should be fine with Aleve. Nice meeting you, Mr. Rogers.” Stark walks out, but not before shoving Steve’s file at Bucky, leaving the two of them alone again. 

“The nurse should be along to discharge you soon,” Bucky says. “I’d better get going.” 

“Wait,” Steve says. “You haven’t given me your number yet.” 

“Oh. OH. You still want to…?”

“Yeah,” Steve says. “I want to. You might have to give me a few days to heal up, though.” 

“I can do that,” Bucky says, pulling his phone from his pocket.

[topsytervy]

Mob Rafe: The Series

Part 1

I still couldn’t think of a title after a month so it’s just going to stay as Mob Rafe: The Series

You can read the prologue here

Word Count: 4,096

Warnings: swearing, mentions of drinking, i think that’s it

~~~~

It was almost 10:30 when you stood in your kitchen, staring into your fridge that was practically empty, trying to figure out what you could make for breakfast. You finally decided on eggs after googling how to tell if they were still good or not and decided that they were fine. After all, JJ had eaten moldy bread before. What’s the difference between that and eating eggs a couple of days past their best by date.

As the eggs cooked in the pan, you grabbed the Aleve and a glass, filling it with water, before walking into the spare bedroom and setting them on the nightstand. You smiled as you watched JJ hug a pillow to his chest, looking rather serene. 

In about half an hour, he’d be complaining though and you’d have to listen to it until he left.

You went back to the eggs, stirring them around as you glanced out your kitchen window. You leaned closer and squinted, trying to make out the faces of the people who were going in and out of the place next door. 

That house had been up for sale since a week after you moved in, the old lady that lived there deciding that it was time to go into a home.

Well, her family decided. She screamed every curse word underneath the sun as her things, and herself, were being moved out.

That was almost a year ago. You tried convincing JJ to buy it but he said ‘I’m not living near a bunch of people who think my business is their business’. You tried to figure out who exactly was moving in but it was hard to tell considering it could’ve been any of the three guys who were exiting and entering the house.

You sighed before turning your attention back to the eggs that were close to done, hearing JJ groan from the guest room. 

“Who the fuck made the sun so bright?” You heard him say, voice muffled.

“Depends on the religion of the person you’re asking!” You hollered back.

“Well, I’m not religious so make it non-religious.” You heard a thump come from the room and you assumed that it was his feet hitting the floor.

“Then the Big Bang.” 

“Like the show?” 

You closed your eyes and pinched the bridge of your nose, taking a deep breath. “You know what? Sure. Like the show.”

JJ emerged, rubbing his face with one of his hands, the glass of water in his other.

“Oh, fucking hell. My head is pounding.” He mumbled, sitting down at the little kitchen table you had.

“I wonder why.” You asked, sarcasm lacing your voice as you plated the eggs. 

You brought the eggs over to JJ and set them down with a fork. JJ shot you a smile as you sat down across from him before he began to eat. “Where’s your food?” He questioned, eyeing the empty place in front of you.

You shrugged. “Not that hungry.”

JJ rolled his eyes. 

“I’m just not hungry in the mornings’ JayBird. You know this.”

“You should eat in the mornings. Even if it’s just a toaster strudel or a pop tart.” 

Now it was your turn to roll your eyes as you stood up and walked over to your almost empty pantry, rummaging around for anything. You managed to find a pop tart hiding away and you opened it, taking a bite from the pastry. “Happy?”

“When’s the last time you went grocery shopping?” 

You shrugged. “I’m planning on doing a little run today.” 

“You didn’t answer my question Y/N.”

You walked over to him and placed both your hands on either side of his face. “Don’t worry about me JJ. I’m not starving. Mom dropped off leftovers and I finished them an hour before you showed up last night. She’s been giving me so many leftovers, I just haven’t had the need to go grocery shopping in a bit. Besides, I finished off the potato salad she gave me two days ago at like 5 a.m. this morning when I went to go pee. So I technically had breakfast.”

“What was last night’s leftovers?”

“Tuna casserole. The week before that was a chicken pot pie. And the week before that was stir fry. And the week before that was-”

“Okay, I get it.” He cut you off.

You smirked as you sat back down in your spot. You were pretty sure that your mom was dropping off food just so she could get some time with you. Between work and classes, you didn’t really have time to go over and visit as much as you should. If you weren’t doing either of those things, you were either catching up on sleep or doing as much of your homework as possible. You were lucky you had a fenced in yard so Blue could run around for a while for those days you didn’t have the energy to take him out for a walk.

This also meant you definitely didn’t have the energy to drive yourself to the store and figure out what you needed for food and then drive back home. 

So, you were living on your mom’s leftovers that she brought over since she seemed to forget that there was one less person in the house so she didn’t have to make as much food.

“You want me to come with you?” JJ asked, scooping more eggs into his mouth.

“You really don’t need to. I think I can do a simple grocery run myself.” You smiled.

“Don”t say I didn’t offer when you’re making more than one trip.” 

You took another bite of your pop tart as you looked down at the floor where Blue and Piper laid, looking at you and JJ for any scraps. JJ was the one to break, giving the two dogs his last bits of breakfast before he leaned back, interlocking his fingers together as he placed them behind his head.

“What do you think the others did last night?” He asked.

You just shrugged, giving him the other pop tart which he reluctantly took after you wouldn’t bring it back to the foil after he shook his head no. JJ felt bad for taking it after just having eggs but if you were so persistent on him having it, he might as well just take the damn thing.

He took a bite and looked out the kitchen window and, through a mouthful of pop-tart, asked, “Who’s moving in?” 

You shrugged once more. “I’ll let you know later today when I find out.”

******

“You guys whine more than anyone I know,” Rafe told Kelce and Topper as they brought the couch through the door.

“Yeah. I wonder why. It can’t be because we woke up with massive hangovers and someone made us get up at 8:30 in the morning.” Kelce grumbled.

“I told you guys that you might want to take it easy on the alcohol considering we’re going to be up early tomorrow and the sun’s going to be shining all day. I also told you we'd ve working until we had everything moved in. It’s your fault that you two didn’t listen.” Rafe stated, looking behind him so he could see where he was going. "And think of this, you won’t have to go to the gym tomorrow."

“You sound like my mom. Shut up.” Topper grunted, looking at the floor.

As far as Rafe was concerned, it was Kelces and Topper’s fault. He did, after all, tell them what was happening and what day he was moving in. And he provided lunch for them and was also providing dinner so why were they whining. He would've been better off recruiting Sarah for this job. She would've complained less.

“I’m losing grip. Down. Down.” Kelce told the two.

They set the couch down on the floor and caught their breath, leaning against the piece of furniture. Rafe checked his watch. 

4:30 pm. 

He sighed as he noticed the hunger in his stomach for the first time since 11 when they ate lunch.

“It was nice of Rose and Ward to give you all their old furniture,” Topper commented, causing Rafe to look at him. 

Rafe scoffed. “They only did that so they could have an excuse to get new furniture.”

“Even if that’s true, at least you didn’t have to spend thousands of dollars to get furniture.”

Rafe sighed. Topper had a point and he had to admit, he was a bit grateful to his father and stepmother for deciding their furniture was outdated. Even if it was only 2 years old.

“Kelce, wanna grab the water bottles from the truck?” He asked. 

Kelce nodded, heading outside to retrieve the drinks as Rafe readjusted his grip.

"Oh, we're gonna finish this without Kelces’ help," Topper said, catching on after a couple of seconds of Rafe staring at him. 

Topper readjusted his grip, nodding to let Rafe know he was ready. 

"Yes, Top. And then we're gonna order a pizza." Rafe grunted as they lifted the couch once more.  

"You're paying right?"

"Yes, I’m paying. Now angle it more towards the right so it doesn’t hit this corner." 

"You're right or my right?"

"My right."

Topper did as he was told, happy for the free meal that would be provided. Rafe was just happy that this was one of the last things they had to move in.

They placed the couch down underneath the window as Kelce came back in, water bottles in hand. The brunette tossed a water bottle to each of his friends as Rafe grabbed his phone from his pocket. 

"Dominos or Little Caesars?" Rafe asked, looking between his friends.

"Dominos cause I want a sandwich," Kelce stated.

Topper looked at Kelce. "But little Caesars. Besides we had Firehouse Subs for lunch."

"Did I stutter? I want a fucking sandwich to go with my pizza, Topper."

The blonde stared at Kelce before sighing. "Fine. Dominos."

****

You looked into your trunk, trying to figure out if, no not if, how you were going to get everything in one trip when one of your neighbors approached you.

You looked over at her. "Hey, Mrs.Keling. How are you?" You asked, grabbing one of the paper bags.

"Fine Y/N but how are you?" She asked.

Mrs. and Mr. Keling lived across the street and four doors down from you and never really came over and talked to you. It was usually just the usual wave and smile, maybe a hello and a how are you. But that was only if you ran into each other. 

You raised an eyebrow. "Um…fine. Why do you ask?" 

Mrs.Keling glanced at the house next door, the Uhaul still parked there. You followed her glance before commenting. "Wow. They're still not done moving. They've been working since I woke up." 

"Aren't you worried about living next to him?" 

Those words made a chill go down your spine but you ignored it. "Should I be worried?" You set the bag back down in the trunk.

Mrs.Keling sighed. "Do you not know who's next to you?"

You shook your head. You hadn’t caught a glimpse of the mystery neighbor yet. You had noticed, however, many of the neighbors peeking through their windows or standing in their yards as they talked amongst themselves all day.

Mrs.Keling moved in closer and you looked at the middle-aged woman, slightly scared of who she was going to say moved in.

"Rafe Cameron." She whispered before stepping backward.

You felt yourself relax a bit, scared that it was going to be someone horrible.

 Granted Rafe Cameron wasn’t exactly a saint.

His past wasn't the best and his past consisted of terrorizing you and your friends but, from what John B, Pope, Kie, and Sarah had told you and JJ, he's pretty tolerable now. His hotheadedness, which probably was a result of his coke addiction, seemed to have died down immensely and he didn't really pick fights out in public anymore.

This was probably because if he got in trouble with the law for something stupid like speeding, his criminal activity would be uncovered.

Rafe Cameron may have looked like he turned a leaf and became a law-abiding citizen overnight but that’s why you never judge a book by its cover. Because, if anything, he got dirtier. 

People on the Island knew about Rafe’s new family that he got involved with back when he was 20, no thanks to Wheezie and her mouth.

She told one person to leave her friend alone or else her mob brother would take care of him and that’s all it took. However, no one could arrest him for any illegal activity cause, from what they saw, there was none. He was perfectly clean. Not even the scent of weed to cause them to suspect anything. Eventually, Shoupe had decided that everyone was pulling his leg considering Rafe always lets them search the place and no one had ever caught him doing anything that he could be arrested for.

You let it go, deciding that it was a rumor that could die. You were never much for the gossip that took place within the subdivision you lived in, let alone the island.

"Rafe Cameron lives next door now?" You asked, “As in the man who once climbed a tree to help get a child’s kite down?”

Mrs.Keling nodded. "He’s not as good as he seems Y/N and some of us are worried about you. There’s something about him that’s just...off."

You managed to hold back a scoff. Sure, some of them were worried and you knew they were but it was usually the seniors. The others just wanted to fake it to see if they could get some dirt on the others.

You shrugged as you looked into a bag, seeing the pie at the top, remembering that you picked it up for the new neighbor. "I'll be fine. I have a Blue." You reassured her, grabbing the pie.

You walked across the patch of grass separating your house and, what is now apparently, Rafe’s house. You raised a fist and knocked on the door. Looking around, you saw the neighbors staring at you as you stood there. You grinned and waved at everyone before turning back towards the door.

You heard laughter and footsteps before the door opened, revealing Rafe Cameron himself. He stood in the doorway towering over you, giving you a once over.

"I did some grocery shopping today and decided to pick up a welcome pie. It’s probably not that good considering it was in the clearance section but, ya know, as my dad always says "When you have a cheap pie, have a cheap beer with it"." You smiled, extending the pie towards him.

Rafe smiled back, taking the pie from your hands. "Your dads a wise man."

"Indeed, he is." You grinned.

Rafe looked past you and towards the people watching from their yards.

"Do you want to come inside? Have a slice of this pie you bought? It'd be unfair to not share." Rafe offered.

You smiled but shook your head. "Thanks for the offer but I'm going to have to decline. I've got to go get ready for my shift at work and get my groceries inside." You told him, turning to face your neighbors.

You turned back to the man in front of you and leaned in. "Don't mind these guys. They're, sadly, just your stereotypical suburban moms and dads who like to talk shit about others but hate it when others talk shit about them. Except for Bonnie. She's sweet." You said, waving to the old lady across the street who was tending to her roses. "Anyway. See you around, Rafe." You smiled, waving before turning around and heading back to your driveway where Mrs.Keling still stood.

Rafe watched as you exchanged a few more words with Mrs.Keling, no doubt in his mind that it was about him considering the older lady kept glancing his way.

"Well, she's cute." 

Rafe turned around to see Kelce and Topper standing off to the side where they could see outside. Rafe rolled his eyes at his two friends, both of whom wore a smirk, and shoved the pie into Kelces hands.

"You two wait for the pizza." He told them before walking pit the door and to your driveway. He smiled at Mrs. Kelsing who immediately bid you goodbye and scurried off to her home.

You looked at Rafe, a bag in each arm as you waited for him to say something. 

"You brought me a pie. Let me at least help you bring in groceries if you're not gonna have a slice of the pie." 

****

Topper and Kelce watched from the living room window as Rafe grabbed a couple of bags and helped you bring in your groceries.

"Why is he helping her?" 

"Cause that’s what you do when a nice cute girl brings you a pie. You help her with whatever." Kelce answered. 

"And you leave your best friends unattended with the pie? A poor choice really." Topper stated, flipping open the box the dessert was in. 

"A poor choice indeed." Kelce agreed, opening a box labeled kitchen and pulling out a couple of plates and forks.

Kelce served each of them a slice, clinking their forks together before digging in.

****

"Wait. My brother lives next to you now?" Sarah asked as you brought your friends the drinks they ordered.

It was probably 3 hours into your shift when JJ asked if you had met whoever moved in next door. And when you told the group, their jaws hit the floor.

"And he helped you bring in groceries? You sure that’s Rafe?" JJ raised an eyebrow as he immediately brought his bottle of beer to his lips.

You nodded as you tucked the now empty tray under your arm, looking at your watch. 15 minutes left of your shift.

"That’s so weird," Kie stated.

"Is it though? I mean, he has been wanting to have his own place for a while. It doesn’t help that Topper doesn’t pay attention to what name is on the sticky note when it comes to food." Sarah rolled her eyes, remembering all the times she called Rafe for something and heard an argument break out amongst the two boys.

And all she had to say was poor Kelce for having to put up with their bullshit.

"Yeah. I know that feeling." Pope commented, glancing at JJ.

The blonde immediately pointed his finger at Pope. "You don’t write your name on shit. You specifically said that we aren’t going to do the whole this is my food, this is your food." JJ defended himself.

"Uh, no. I never said that. Why would I say that, JJ?" 

"You tell me cause those words came out of your mouth."

"Oh did they? Cause I don’t remember that. In fact, I remember you saying we should put our names on our food so we know what belongs to who but then you broke that rule." Pope glared at his best friend.

"No. I said we should label the to-go boxes from restaurants when we dine in then take our leftovers home so we know what belongs to who."

"Okay. Pipe it down and quit the squawking." You told them, giving both of them a light smack.

"You two fight worse than me and Sarah and you two aren’t even together like that." John B shook his head.

"You don’t know that for sure," JJ smirked, bringing the bottle up once again so he could take a drink.

Pope sighed as the rest of you stood there staring at JJ before you shook your head. "I’m going back to work and in 15 minutes you all better be ready to leave." John B held up the keys to the twinkie and you snatched them from his hand. "And I'm driving."

You had driven to John B’s in your car and parked it there once you heard from Kie that everyone was planning on going out for drinks, opting on being the designated driver. This wasn’t the first time you did this, having them have their night out at the bar you worked at so you could drive them home safely after your shift. It gave them plenty of time to get shit-faced and you were able to make sure no one did something dumb while still being able to work.

It was kind of like Nani and Lilo’s situation of Nani bringing Lilo to work.

The pogues were Lilo and you were Nani.

*****

Rafe took a swig from his beer before setting it down harder than he needed to.

He was currently swearing under his breath as he sat on the floor, attempting to assemble an entertainment center he bought from IKEA as his two best friends sat on the couch, each enjoying another slice of pie as they had a beer themselves.

“I’m telling you, man, you should’ve had them to assemble it for you,” Topper told him.

Rafe rolled his eyes. “I can do it myself thank you very much.”

“You couldn’t do it sober. What makes you think you can do it drunk?” Kelce laughed.

Rafe turned around and sent him a glare. “I will have you know that it’s going to take more than a beer and a half to get me drunk.” He looked down at their plates to see them both halfway done with their pie slices. “Is there going to be any pie left for me?”

“You mean the pie that the cutie pie from next door brought over? There’s a slice left.” Kelce told him.

“And I’m not taking any chances,” Rafe muttered, slamming down the allen wrench and standing up, walking into his kitchen to retrieve that last slice.

He grabbed a fork and the box that the pie rested in, not bothering with a plate, before walking back over to his spot on the floor.

“You know,” Rafe started, using his fork to cut a piece of pie off his slice before letting his fork hover in the air, “you two having been pigging out this whole time, yukking it up and whatnot while I have been doing all this work.” Rafe punctuated his sentence by placing his fork in his mouth.

“Not true. We’ve been providing you moral support.” Topper defended.

“Well if you two aren’t going to provide physical help, then you can walk your asses out the door.”

Topper and Kelce looked at each other before nodding and getting up. “See you later, buddy.”

“Yeah. Oh, btw, Sarah said something about throwing you a little ‘congrats on getting a house’ party at John B’s on Friday since she didn’t want to throw it here and upset your neighbors!”

Rafe opened his mouth to speak but the door shutting cut him off.

"Thanks for helping." He muttered.

He picked up his beer and took another sip, checking his watch as he brought the bottle away from his lips.

12:30 AM.

Rafe sighed as he continued to eat his pie and drink his beer, deciding that once he was finished with his snack he’d head to bed. 

He got up to put his fork in the sink and throw away his garbage when headlights caught his attention.

He looked out the window, confusion on his face. This wasn’t the type of neighborhood where he expected people to go out until midnight. Hell, they didn’t even seem like the people who’d be out until 10.

It made a lot more sense when he saw the car pull into your driveway and you getting out of the car. He watched you walk up to your door and unlock it before walking in, closing the door behind you.

He shook his head before walking away from the window, continuing his way towards the kitchen. He threw everything away and tossed his fork into the sink before shutting off his lights and heading into his bathroom. He brushed his teeth before changing into a sweatshirt and sweatpants, heading into his room, and flopping down onto the mattress that laid on the floor with a groan. He suddenly regretted ordering his new bed frame online and not paying for two-day delivery. 

He let his eyes close, his breathing steady as he worked his way to sleep, letting darkness completely take over in a matter of minutes.

~~~~~

Taglist: @oleariaux @popcrone818 @void-sadie @diverrdown @teenagekook @acvross-the-universe @poguemackin @bibliophilewednesday

[spacemilkies]

serendipity || captain allen x reader

for @thedevianthunterrk800 who unknowingly dragged me into the pits of hell dau. now i can’t play or watch footage without focusing in on this man. 

“I’m sorry, ma’am but no press are allowed on the premise without strict permission.”

The accusation nearly stuns you at first, before you realize in fact that you never quite shed your work clothing before venturing out. Not that it did much good now that you were caught red handed, you plucked your badge from you neck and offered a placating smile to the receptionist android.

“Sorry, I’m here on personal business not journalistic ventures.” As if to prove your point, you rose the hand clutching the bag of take out. “Just a wife bringing dinner to her husband.”

The android was quiet, her gaze giving you another look over. No doubt cross referencing your heart rate to your words. Perhaps had your husband not been employed at such a high risk job, a simple face recognition scan could have cleared you. But it seemed not even matrimony came with any real civil benefits. 

The android completed its assessment.

“I see. Please-”

“Hey, what are you doing here so late?”

A visible shudder of relief ripped across your skin as you whipped around. Appearing to be finishing up for the evening, Hank was looked about what you expected him to look first thing in the morning- ready to go home.

It’s easy to offer a smile in disguise of pity. “Figured if he wasn't going to make an effort for dinner, I could at least keep him from starving.”

“Yeah, is that why he’s so cranky? Missing one too many meals?”

Hank’s years of ‘facility’ comradery with your husband managed to bleed into a promising friendship of your own. It was a specific type of working relationship that only your hardened husband could achieve. Frankly most of his more social interactions were bridged by your efforts in some way or fashion. 

“Trying to keep him fed is a full time job.”

“Dealing with him period is a fucking career,” he muttered under his breath. Gratefully, Hank waved off the android. “Wife of the fucking SWAT captain, relax would you.”

“I honestly have no idea where he is but we all know his second wife is his desk.”

The obvious joke resonated differently with you than he likely intended for it to. In truth, your husband, his desk … and yourself had a bit of a polymourous relationship, to put it lightly. Not that you would embarrass David by bringing that up now. 

Maybe over drinks on night. 

Grateful for the unexpected intervention, you took advantage of the reprieve to escape through the security gates while you could. Waving to Hank, you bid him a good night.

“The fourth floor isn’t that big. He can’t hide forever.”

The few officers who did recognize you bid you a mix of greetings and farewells from those eager to return to their own families. As you climbed levels however, the gestures became more strict in the form of salutes and slim smiles that oozed stress. 

Rolling your eyes to the roof of the elevator, you began to pray that it wasn't a premonition of what to expect when you finally discovered your husband. You reminded yourself that you were merely there to deliver a meal, not stir up anything that could be settled at home. 

Your marriage worked this long because you respected those boundaries. The same ones that had been built without your knowledge back in university. 

By the relaxed posture of his assistant it was safe to assume he wasn’t in his office. Rachel confirmed as much with a quick wave.

“Captain Allen is in a meeting, ma’am.”

“Thats fine. Is his office open? Just dropping off dinner.”

She eyed the bag as if it was a saving grace. No doubt a prayer she’d made earlier in the day to try and aleve whatever symptoms were aggravating her boss’ nerves. 

If only it was so easy.

“I can get that for you.”

The panel in front of the door switches from red and blue, granting you access. You find yet another reason to send the young woman a nice gift basket. As if all the years of putting up with your husband didn’t earn her a vacation overseas.

Frankly, she might never look back.

“Thank you, Nancy.”

His office is as bleak and bland as the last time you’d entered it. Not even the wealth of his awards managing to permeate the walls. A few of the important credentials made the cut out of sheer necessity. You’d managed to break up the rest of the wall with two scenery photos. 

And that was it.

For someone who practically made his office his home, the lack of comfortably baffled you.

Placing the bags on the corner of his desk, you made yourself comfortable in his chair. Your job title aloe made snooping both enticing and forbidden. A thin lace of trust had been bestowed upon you given your connection to one of the largest media networks in the city. While your husband’s authority gave you more liberties than most it didn’t mean it couldnt be ripped away.

So against your journalist instinct, you kept your hands to yourself while you twiddled with a simple app on your phone. Fortunately, your husband didn’t keep you waiting long before you heard Nancy sharp cry of warning.

“Oh! Wait sir, your-”

You don’t know who is more surprised when you husband enters his office unaware. His shoulders stiffen briefly before he recognizes your silhouette by his desk, Nancy’s warning long forgotten. He looked like he was ready to chew out his next victim of the day and you could only snort in amusement. 

“Really, David.”

He’s wearing your favorite hoody of his- one you know come with a plethora of replacements but not a single is ever given to you despite your insistence. You’ve taken to wearing them briefly after laundry loads, while the house is to yourself. By the time he makes it home, its nestled comfortably in his drawer as if it was never touched. 

A secret compromise.

The door slides shut behind him as he approaches the desk. Affections pleasantly not forgotten as he leans down to peck at your cheek,“Its late, you didn't have to come by.”

“Well, I was hungry too. Figured you wouldn't want your food to get cold. Reheating meat will sometimes make it tough.”

David took the opportunity to peek into the paper bags, a hint of a smile triggering wider one for you when he recognized one of his favorites. You watched quietly as he unpacked the food, not missing how he arranged things carefully to keeps your safely confined while setting aside his own. 

It was an easier dismissal when you were expecting it. 

The hard edge of your neglected badge bit into your skin as you adjusted yourself against the desk, “Trying to get rid of me so soon, captain. I didn’t even get to opportunity to ask my questions yet.”

Unraveling the warmth of a freshly baked roll, your husband gave you an unamused grimace before taking a bite from the buttery loaf. 

“The SWAT team is not currently accepting any questions nor has any scheduled plans to council the press for ongoing operations.”

Your smile is as dangerous as your job implies, “So you guys are working on something top secret.”

“Would be home if it wasn’t.”

That was a lie and you both knew it. David would always find something to keep him occupied in his career. It had built him up and functioned as his stability. You were mere crutches on the sidelines waiting until you were needed.

As simple as it would be to challenge the claim, you thought better of it. Instead you continued to eat up time, relaxed comfortably in his chair while your husband was distracted with his meal. It seemed that his hunger had gotten to a point where he was reluctant to entertain anything that isn't satisfying his stomach. 

“Strip was sold out, so I hope skirt is okay?” 

Your husband wasn’t huge on grilling like some of the neighbors in your area but he did appreciate a good steak. Sometimes if you were lucky, he would even surprise you with a nice dinner in the kitchen on the rare occasions he actual beat you home or the scarcer days off. 

Using his teeth, David fought the crackle of the plastic wrapped utensil set,” Smells good, baby. Thank you.”

His obvious appreciation warmed you enough to coax a bit of boldness out of you. Walking your fingertips closer to the bag, you tugged it closer. “The renovators called back. They can fit us in next weekend to resurface the shower.”

Your house wasn’t old but there had been some changes you’d promised yourself when you’d first moved it. Earlier in your marriage, you had hoped to make a couples project out of it. But as the years passed, you began to understand that if you didn't  get someone else on the job it wasn't going to get done. 

Carefully pulling your own box free, you kept your voice even as your poked through your meal. “I’m having my mom come meet them that Thursday so they can do a final walkthrough for a quote. I’ll be home for the other days.”

“You’re not worried she won't change your plans?”

Twirling your pasta around your fork, you gave his question a thoughtful pause. It had crossed your mind. Your home wasn’t the first thing she had tried to intervene in. But you had made your own wishes noted in the initial meeting. Having your mother there was just supervision at this point.

“Nah, I'll be there for all the real work. I really just need her to keep Kaius calm.”

Retired from service but certainly not an impression on his age, the eight year old shepard still took his training seriously at home. It made it difficult to let anyone into the house without one of you there to assure him it was okay. The task was still difficult for you without David’s overwhelming presence to settle the canine. 

Resting his hip against the corner of the desk, your husband became visibly more relaxed into the conversation as he balanced the bottom of his togo box on his hand. “I don’t mind if he comes to work. He should be fine in my office for a day.”

You shrugged,”It's all worked out.”

At most, you were expecting one human to supervise a few androids. As impersonal as it made the job, it certainly didnt put a damper on efficiency. You expected nothing less than the projected project. 

He surprised you by leaning in then to press a quick kiss to your lips, a sneaky swipe of tongue catching the splash of sauce previously unknown to you. When you look up, he was watching you with that analytical look.

“I know what you’re doing.”

Caught, you could only smile sheepishly as you pointed the fork in his direction. “This is nice, don’t ruin it.”

Humming thoughtfully, your husband eventually returned to his own meal. 

David finished well before fullness crept in for you, his own haste favoring time over taste. But he was getting his nutrition so you found it hard to complain. 

A few tedious comments came to mind but none of them felt strong enough to tether him to a conversation. Accepting the time you got gratefully, you began putting away the leftovers to take home. 

“I’m off tomorrow so you don’t need to tip toe. I’ll leave the light on above the stove.”

Sometimes you found it funny how much your friends raves about the life you must have being married to a SWAT captain. Overwhelmed by their own fantasies of rugged encounters and frantic passion. 

It was true on occasion. There were times  that the stress of the job encouraged his hands to be a little more rough. Or time constraints found you bent over something convenient with your panties jerked to the side. 

As thrilling as it was, the novelty wore off quicker than it did in literature. 

There wasn’t a day you weren’t thankful of how well your husband aged, you just wanted more opportunities to appreciate it. 

You rise from your seat, expecting a final kiss of gratitude before you went on your way. 

You hasn’t realized your eyes had slid closed until they were opening in confusion at the touch of his thumb against your cheek. Against your better judgement, you leaned into the brief show of affection, lips parting to accept the pad of his finger. 

You know it won’t lead to much but the small stirrings it causes is worth the brevity. You crave his closeness whether he’s away like any wife would. But loving David Allen takes the punch of out love and jackhammers a new meaning into it. 

“”Thank you.”

The sincerity of it pressures your heart and your eyes close voluntarily this time, just wishing he would meet your expectation.

There is a pause, the silence tarnished by your audible sigh. Part of it is drawn back in a sharp gasp when his nose bumps against your own, then his lips find yours. 

The kiss is slow and measured, familiar even as you dare to run your palms down his front. His stomach curls under your touch, the lean muscle jumping slightly as your fingers challenge the hem of his pants. 

Swallowing, you taunt further with another tug. Venerability paints itself a lovely shade against your skin, coating you in a rosy blush. This wasn’t your arriving plan. But years have taught you that planning ahead rarely went well with David.

Carefully, you reach up and thumb the curve of his lower lip and draw him even closer. Even breaths waft over your face. Measured well, despite the proposition offered before him. 

In a mess of tongue and teeth, you whisper his name and teeter his resolve in the same breath. 

It has been a very long time since he’s humored an excursion like this and you’re patting yourself on the back for taking the chance. 

His mouth teases the skin at the nape of your neck and you wonder how far he plans to take this. His nose brushes against your ear next, nuzzling just under the curve where he knows you like it best. 

Your shirt rides up as he rolls his body against you, his hands quick to tend to your warm skin. His thumb teases the underside of your bra and it’s difficult not to let your mind wander.

Chest rising and falling in erratic intervals, you finally put a voice behind your desires. 

“Will fuck me here?”

David breathes in sharply then and for a moment you’re worried he’ll pull back to he senses. Your heart flutters nervously, awaiting a curt dismissal. But then a knee nudges firmly between your thighs and you find yourself biting your cheek to contain your grin. 

He continues to mouth at your neck while his hands answer your question, quickly and efficiently working at your belt. The hand not holding you in place slips under the hem of your pants with practiced ease. 

It will have to be quick but part of the thrill is inherit in the act itself. You know you’re already wet before his fingers reach their destination, his thumb flicking against your clit as his fingers curl into your sticky wetness. 

“You’d like that, wouldn’t you, kitten? That’s why you came so late at night. Hoping to bride me into a quick fuck for your troubles?”

Part of you wished that had been your intention. You would have tried a hell of a lot harder if you’d known he’d be this willing. 

Sorry, Nancy.

There was always something sinfully dangerous about being taken in his office. To think the place where the city puts most of its trust will be defiled by your marital affairs will never fail to get you in the mood. 

David catches you before you can get careless, moving the food a safe distance away from your body before pressing you firmer against the desk. He doesn’t pay much attention to your breast but the stimulation from being pressed into the desktop makes up for it. Nothing else matters however when he’s dragging down his pants and your own with hast movements and lining himself up. 

It’s a slow sink- deep as he allows you time to open up for him. 

The situation doesn’t allow for it to be drawn out much longer than that. The frivolous teasing prior had already eaten into your limited time of unsuspicion. Not to mention any concerning noises that might permeate the door.

David does the sound control for you, risking quiet grunts as he digs his grip into the curve of your hip. His pace is slow but firmly backed by his weight as he quite literally fucks the air right out of your lungs, thrust near hard enough to shake the desk. 

He lifts his hips slightly, just enough too prod for the right angle, hitting that same spot again and again as you grip desperately at his arms. You return the favor, stealing his groans as you kiss back as vehemently as his hips grind into you. It only takes one good strategic thrust to capsize you under your simmering climax.

You remember a time, fumbling in college when you had to remind him to be wary- to pull out. Even early in your marriage you’d been cautious. 

Now, it was welcomed. The fact of not trying to try bleeding into a kink to take off the edge of pending results. You’d decided mutually to accept a child if the possibility arose but you wouldn’t make an intentional effort. 

Nearing your forties now, it wasn’t a forgotten proposition but it hardly factored into your mindset. It’s no where near innocent as your ankles dig firmly into his lower back, drawing him closet and locking him in.

Your husband’s hips stuttered briefly as his fingers reassessed their grip before he resumed his pace with firmer thrusts. Each one bouncing off the round of your backside. The hand at the base of your spine keeps you anchored- not that you’d made any attempt to disagree with anything he was giving you. 

He seemed to reward you for that, a lazy thumb counting your vertebrae in its travels, eliciting a quivering pleasure.  

“Maybe this is the key, huh? You’re always so much more receptive when there is the potential for audience.” 

He knows and fuck, you miss that voice. The way it rumbles deep in his chest before tumbling out in timber. 

“Of course, I’d never let them see. But I’d be happy to show off the results, hmm?”

His hands slid to your flank before curling around to flatten against the plane of your belly. It stays there, stroking the pseudo curve implanted in his head. 

He encourages you to grind back into his quickening thrusts, the fingers at your hip dragging you back in assistance. Whining, you dip your chest and arch your back. Your actions echo your thoughts. Faster. More. Deeper. Please

“That's what you want, right? For me to fill you up, baby?”

God… you drool around the thought. Your words fumbling around gurgles as you attempt to collect yourself enough to stop moaning and properly respond. Blood rushed in your ears and floods down your body. Working yourself up from your toes, you flex them, pushing your weight to your feet and lifting. It offers you a better advantage to pushing back into each eager thrust. 

Rather than praise your efforts, your husband only returns your gesture by carding his fingers through your hair. Tightening. Shoving down. 

“Fuck, yes, Dav-“ You hiss when he knocks particularly hard against your cervix to which he mends with an apologetic kiss to the back of your head. His thrust slow marginally, just enough to regain control before he’s coaxing you again with a nip to the shell of your ear. 

“Tell me, kitten.”

You reach for something-not sure of what. Neither does he it seems, but his hand finds yours anyway to which you curl them both the fabric of your chest. 

“I want it all-please.”

He jerks you back-once...twice before suddenly you’re overwhelmed with the weight of him on top and the pressure of him inside. 

You lie there for a short time, uncomfortable, but too laced by exhaustion to do much else. The feeling of fatigue crept onto you both with out warning, using the disguise of passion to worm its way inside.

He’s not perfect. Neither yourself or this marriage. But where most had doomed you both to fail, mutual perseverance told the rest to go fuck themselves.

There wasn’t much else either of you could offer to the remaining hours of the night. With that resolve, your slow rhythmic strokes against your husband’s back came to a halt, slightly rousing him in the process.

“Mhmm, come home with me, yeah?”

He heaves a sigh but you know you have him. 

“Yeah. Let’s go home.”

[the-c-anon]

Geez...! I'm sorry your birthday is off to a rough start. That sucks. X(

The guy was nice but all he gave me was aleve and fucking icy hot

I'm frustrated a bit 🤨

[yourcoolfriendwithallthecandy]

Magic and Miracles and BEYOND Chapter 13

ok, I didn’t mean to take...(doesn’t bother to look at how long since it’s been since I’ve posted anything for this story because the guilt will kill me) however long (feels longer than forever) to update this story. I literally had it all planned out in my head. And then when I went to write it my brain went “fuck you, I am on fumes, I need a break, I’m done.” and it didn’t matter how much I tried to restart or jump it- no go. So I moved on. I went back to school, I’m getting my licence to be a massage therapist, I’ll be doing that until July of next year which I’m currently on break with until Tuesday. But GOOD NEWS. I was going through my tumblr and I still find all these RaeLena pictures and when I went back to this- I found, lo and behold, FUEL. So I started this back up and this baby is running! Wooo! @the-immortal-marshal​ and @warnjai-17​ hopefully you’re still here to enjoy this 

AO3

Magic and Miracles and BEYOND

Chapter 13

The morning of Crowe’s wedding day was bright and brisk and the trees around the farm seemed to have come into spectacular color just for her. The sunrise was especially beatuiful and Prompto and the photographer got some outstanding pictures of it. 

The horses had been washed the day before and kept in their squeaky clean stalls so they didn’t get dirty right before the ceremony. Crowe woke up feeling so happy and excited because today was the day her and her best friend were getting married and Chelsea had worked overtime in making sure every detail was perfect and to make sure Crowe only had decisions to make in a timely manner but no actual work to do through the whole process so it had been a breeze. The girls had all stayed at Sylva’s house and she had had another caterer come in and make everyone breakfast and a team of hair and makeup artists to make sure each girl shined like the jewel she was as Luca and Lilly and all the other little sisters of the those in the wedding party got to get glammed up too. 

Meanwhile Libertus woke up with the worst hangover and felt like death warmed over. He had stayed up half the night, him and his friends around a campfire on Craig’s farm and drank and just talked, some of it was casual, most of it was deep though while Tredd did manage to keep his mouth shut about Ada being pregnant. But he sure did hint at it to Luche which Ravus and Nyx picked up on as Ravus was suspecting that the reason his mother favored Tredd as much as she did was because he had the gift too. 

Craig Sr. and his wife Charla were already hard at work making a mountain of food for the boys and they chuckled to themselves as they watched all of them wake up to the smell of food and come in, each one’s hair crazier than the last as they all did the zombie shuffle to get the food before sitting down at the table as the guys downed pot after pot of coffee and ate in relative silence as bottles of Tylenol, Advil and Aleve were passed around. 

“You boys alive over there?” Craig asked before there was a chorus of groans as an answer which cracked Craig Sr. and Charla up. 

Meanwhile Hazel was sleeping blissfully away in Titus’ bed before the smell of her own breakfast woke her up only moments before Titus came in with their breakfast on a tray. 

“Good morning Beautiful.” Titus cooed to her as her eyes fluttered open before she smiled adoringly at him as she stretched. 

“Good morning, what do you got there?” She asked as she sat up, keeping the blankets up to cover her nakedness but moved the pillows to the headboard so she could sit up comfortably. 

“Breakfast.” Titus beamed. 

“Aww,” Hazel fawned as he gave her the tray and then got back into bed before they cuddled together with the extra large tray over Hazel’s lap. 

“This is really sweet,” Hazel gushed as she started to dig in to the bowl of berries before she pulled the lid off of the plate to see an engagement ring sitting on top of some french toast and gasped as Titus’ heart beat so hard in his chest he thought it was going to break his ribs as his mouth felt like it was full of cotton all of a sudden. 

“So, I was thinking, I know you really like your apartment and I really like the peace and quiet and space of the country, but I thought we could find a happy medium if we built a house together, Oak Creek Estates still has a bunch of lots available and if…” Titus was cut off by Hazel quickly attaching her mouth to his and kissing him as deeply as she could from her spot under his arm as his arm curled around her before his other hand went up to gently caress her gorgeous face, hoping she could understand what he was trying to say because words were failing him but actions never would.  

“Yes, that’ll be perfect, a fresh new start for both of us.” Hazel beamed happily as she had already slipped the ring on before Titus moved the tray over to the floor before he really got to enjoy his fiance for breakfast which is what he really wanted. 

As the clock ticked down Libertus went from hungover to happy to nervous and by a surprise, Luche was too. 

“Cut it out, they’re all gonna think you’re playing with yourself.” Tredd teased as he sat down next to Luche after he came back into the house from helping the firework guys set up all the fireworks for the night before he sat down on the couch as Luche frowned over at him. 

“Cut what out?” Luche tried to deflect. 

“You keep fingering that engagement ring thing in your pocket, it looks like you’re trying to jack off.” Tredd chuckled as Luche frowned. 

“How…” Luche began as Tredd gave him an unimpressed look. 

“Really? You really wanna play dumb? Come on, let me seee.” Tredd questioned as Luche humphed before he pulled it out and handed it to Tredd. 

“I do, I will marry you.” Tredd gushed in an overly feminine way. 

“Oh my God, stop.” Luche rolled his eyes as Tredd opened the fancy slim ring box to see a paper flower fold out holding the ring. 

“Aww, this was one of Victor’s rings for Ravus wasn’t it?” Tredd asked as Luche sighed deeply. 

“Yes, I bought it off of him.” Luche admitted. 

“Of course you did, you spent what? A whole dollar?” Tredd teased. 

“Ravus gave me a price and I paid it, no negotiations needed.” Luche defended. 

“A whole five dollars because you don’t cary singles anymore blue blood.” Tredd grinned triumphantly. 

“I hate this about you.” Luche sarcastically quipped as he tried to take the ring back but Tredd pulled it out of his reach. 

“Hey, hey, don’t get all huffy. I think it’s nice- a whole 20 carats just on the center diamond and that has to be...another 5 carats in the bezels and blue diamonds are coming back into fashion again, platinum?” Tredd appraised as Luche just frowned deeper and deeper. 

“Since when do you know anything about jewelry?” Luche asked.  

“Since mom adopted me too and has been taking me under her wing and teaching me the same shit she’s teaching you but I get the super fun hands on versions, and she is paying me in stock options now and recognizes that I have a good eye and can spot a fake a mile away.” Tredd answered casually as he gave it back. 

“Wait paying you? Paying you for what?” Luche demanded. 

“You didn’t think you were her only eyes and ears did you?” Tredd grinned smugly. 

“How much is she paying you?” Luche pressed. 

“Eh, it started off as 5k here, 10k there, now it’s stock options and percentages and 401ks and trust funds and all that which I find I like much better, especially since I’ve been reinvesting that money in said stocks. Project Recovery alone has quadrupled my money in just the last couple of months alone and Sylva says I have the same gift she has in that oracle shit. I see things with my special eyes that you don’t.” Tredd teased as he poked his finger near Luche’s ear as he batted his eyes suggestively at Luche.  

“Stop,” Luche batted Tredd’s hand away. “What do you see that I don’t?” Luche questioned. 

“I knew before anyone else did that Crowe was pregnant.” Tredd grinned. 

“You got lucky.” Luche countered. 

“Did I? Did I also get really super lucky when I knew Ada was pregnant over the summer on the cruises?” Tredd revealed. 

“What?” Luche blinked. 

“Yeah, I saw that before Sylva did, And that fifteen grand? That was to keep you two from fucking so you wouldn’t lose your mind when she lost that pregnancy. Which sucked by the way, but hopefully it doesn’t happen again.” Tredd revealed. 

“You…” Luche didn’t know if he should laugh, cry or just go bang his head against a wall. “How? How did you know?” Luche demanded. 

“There’s just a lot of subtle changes that most miss but to me they just all add up for some reason.” Tredd shrugged. “But looking back, aren’t you happy you didn’t fuck her senseless on the cruise?” Tredd asked. 

“...yeah.” Luche ducked his head with a sigh. 

“Well I knew the moment those two got together that it was gonna crash and burn in a matter of months. She’s always been your girl, she was just the last one to realize it.” Tredd offered which made Luche and Tredd both grin lopsidedly at each other. 

“Thanks.” Luche thanked him. 

“You’re welcome. By the way, I want to be a groomsman.” Tredd insisted which made Luche snicker a laugh. 

“Oh do you?” Luche returned. 

“Hell yeah, am I or am I not the Bro who was purposefully a douche to save you from that clusterfuck?” Tredd prodded. 

“You are that douche.” Luche laughed. 

“So I’m a groomsman?” Tredd prodded. 

“You are the douchiest of my groomsman.” Luche chuckled. 

“Good,” Tredd grinned victoriously as Ravus and Nyx came up. 

“Oh is that Ada’s ring?” Nyx asked. 

“Yeah, I was thinking I was gonna pull a Rae.” Luche admitted as he handed it to Nyx as Ravus smiled proudly. Happy that the ring was going to go to a “brother”. Besides that still left a few to save for his children to use when they would get engaged. 

“Awesome,” Nyx smiled happily before he gave it back. 

“Shower is clear.” Craig called out after he got out of his since every shower was being used on the property to get all the boys ready as Luche got the ring back as he got up and claimed the empty shower. 

“So what else do you see with your special eyes?” Ravus asked Tredd once Luche was well out of earshot. 

“Jesus, you have the ears of a rodent Beavus.” Tredd rolled his eyes. 

“Ada’s pregnant again isn’t she?” Ravus grinned. 

“Sssshhhh!” Tredd shushed him as he quickly looked around to see if anyone else had heard that. 

“See? Told you.” Ravus put to Nyx who gave him an unimpressed look. 

“Does he know?” Nyx gestured to where Luche went. 

“No, absolutely not, and none of us can tell him either, we gotta let Ada find out on her own and have her be the one to tell him, we can’t spoil this for him. I mean you know me, I’m all for spoiling shit but that’s the special shit you don’t spoil.” Tredd urged them. 

“So what do you think it’s gonna be?” Ravus put to Tredd curiously. 

“Pppfff, boy.” Tredd snickered. “Watch they’ll name him something super British, like London or Oxford or something so English the Royal Family will be like ‘calm it down now’. “ Tredd predicted. 

“London.” Nyx and Ravus grinned. 

“Any other girl preggers?” Nyx asked Tredd. 

“Right now? No. About to be? Oh yeah,” Tredd laughed. 

“Who?” Ravus and Nyx asked as Tredd looked at them unimpressed before he looked over to Gladio pointedly before turning back to them. 

“No way,” Nyx shook his head. 

“A hundred bucks, they’re going to be expecting in the next say...four months?” Tredd offered as he offered his hand for a shake. 

“Deal.” Nyx agreed as he shook Tredd’s hand as Ravus just shook his head, knowing Tredd was right and knew that Tredd had the same gift he had. Which instead of denying it or downplaying it or getting jealous, he felt a sense of relief that he wasn’t the only one with it. 

Once all the girls arrived the boys got the horses saddled and ready to go as the guests started to arrive and take their seats. The weather couldn’t be more perfect, small, almost cartoonish puffy clouds rolling in the sky, it was warm enough to be comfortable but not chilled enough to be cold but that message didn’t seem to get to Libertus who was sweating buckets so much so that everyone thought he was going to lose 10lbs in sweat alone and Chelsea was grateful she had extra shirts for Libertus to change into and basically bathed him in deodorant and antiperspirant and loaded him up with anti-nausea meds as his own mother and Crowe’s mothers gave him the pep-talk of the century as Chelsea was copying that down for future use. 

When it finally came time for the actual ceremony, the horses suddenly decided to shit where they stood at the back of the aisle before Chelsea and her team tried to hurriedly clean it up, the horses then tried munching on the flowers on the sides of the aisle, there was practically a whole hive of bees there to collect the nectar from all the flowers even though Sylva had a case of Epipens which thankfully didn’t need to get used but thankfully, at least- there were no mosquitoes and Libertus was thankfully laughing too hard at the horses being horses to cry too much because the sight of Crowe in a wedding dress coming down the aisle to him was overwhelming to him. 

Because Crowe’s smile shamed the sun. She was radiant and beautiful and practically glowing and Libertus had never seen her look so beautiful in his life. It was perfect and after the vows, Libertus finally seemed to ease up and become himself again. 

At the reception Sylva went ahead and practically glued herself to Linda, Luche’s mother as Luche was slow dancing with Ada because she had caught the bouquet in the bouquet toss, thanks to Sylva organizing her girls to guarantee it and thanks to Sylva also organizing her boys- Luche caught the garter belt and now they were dancing together, the rest of the world falling away. 

“I really like the fairy lights.” Ada noted at all the twinkle lights around them. 

“Would you want fairy lights at our wedding?” Luche asked and Ada didn’t give a second thought to his choice of words before she began telling him all about what she would want for their wedding. 

Meanwhile on the sidelines-

“Linda, you better get used to the idea of them being together.” Sylva urged as Linda gave her a side eye. 

“Look, it’s very simple, it’s either Ada or this cum guzzling gutter trash.” Sylva continued as she pulled up a video of Beth on a porn site that had Linda choking on her winecooler and looking particularly aghast. “That could have been your daughter in law who by the way flirted and eye fucked before she actually did fuck Chinese billionaires trying to get the best deal possible while Luche was sitting right next to her and would have been way more unfaithful to him than Ada ever will be again, Ada is allowed to sow a wild oat or two in her youth, and now that she’s done that and seen that the grass is indeed not anywhere near as green as it is with Luche and I can tell you that she won’t be making that mistake again.” Sylva assured Linda. “Now, count your blessings as you read this.” Sylva furthered before she pulled out a prenup and it had Linda grinning from ear to ear as she read it.  

“You see the line we have to walk as mothers is to let our children enjoy life and live it how they want to, but that doesn’t mean we can’t put them in some safety gear, I’ll have Ada sign this before we go wedding dress shopping but here’s the deal-” Sylva lowered her voice. “You and Luke will be nothing but nice, happy and supportive of Luche and Ada from here on out. I have already talked with Luche and he’s ok with me paying for a bulk of the wedding expenses, all I’m asking you and Luke to pay for are the invitations and Ada’s parents will be buying Ada’s veil, fair enough?” Sylva put to her. 

“That’s more than fair.” Linda nodded in agreement with a thankful smile to Sylva. 

“Good, now, watch your son propose and be happy about it.” Sylva nodded to the dancefloor where Luche had gotten down on one knee and proposed to Ada as Sylva was smiling brightly while Linda plastered on a smile, happy that her son was at least protected and grateful that Sylva had adopted him and cared for him as her own because the Lord knew she wasn’t willing or ready to pay for much of anything else as Sylva offered her own winecooler over to Linda to clink with a knowing smile when Ada said yes. 

After that, that’s when the party seemed to get into full gear, the moment the sun began to set they lit the fires in the fire pits inside the bale circles so people could sit on the bales and make smores since the wedding had been catered by a competition BBQ joint that had all the BBQ and steaks anyone could ask for. There was a mountain of throw blankets to keep the guests warm as they did this and then at the finale- that’s when Tredd- being a fireman and pyromaniac- set the fireworks off which everyone fully enjoyed before the party sent Crowe and Libertus off on their honeymoon which Sylva got them a cabin and a hunting excursion out in the northwest. 

Luche and Ada barely made it home and in the door before they were on each other and removing the remainder of their clothes and made it to the bottom of the stairs before Luche had pinned her to the wall and started fucking her hard up against it, Ada’s engagement ring nearly getting snagged in his hair as Ada scratched his scalp roughly as the loudest and longest pleasured moan left her throat. 

“Oh Luche!” Ada keened as the back of her head hit the wall behind her, knocking the picture of them hanging next to her head slightly askew as Luche’s hips pounded into hers. 

Luche proposing to Ada after she caught the bouquet came as a surprise to Ada but not really to anyone else, but that was all that mattered to Luche. Ada was completely wrapped up in wedding fever and the joy and excitement of the moment to notice anyone outside of Luche. Their relationship was better than it had ever been since she came back to him and together they both worked exceptionally hard to make the other happy. 

Ada was blown away by the drop dead gorgeous ring Luche proposed with.

Luche had wanted his proposal to be more eloquent but in the end, he just went for simple and straight to the point. 

When Ada had said that she liked something about the decorations for the wedding, Luche found himself asking her what she would like for their wedding and Ada had answered it without a second thought and before Ada realized it she revealed what she had always wanted and fantasized about as a little girl and Luche was grinning ear to ear and when she was done Luche didn’t hesitate to just get down on one knee and offer to give her everything she had just said and pleaded for the chance to make all her dreams come true as everyone quickly gathered around them with eager eyes and ears to hear her answer and Ada didn’t even get to see the ring before she said yes and when she did see the ring, her eyes nearly popped out of her head and her jaw fell and rolled away on the floor. But she readily had him put it on her finger. 

From there, it was like they were velcroed to each other and receiving all the congratulatory wishes before Chelsea made a point to make sure they had her business card and to give her a call when they wanted to set a date and get things in motion before Luche repeated, almost verbatim what Ada had just said to her as Chelsea quickly made notes, using up the last half of her notebook since the first half was already full of notes for Hazel and Titus’ wedding plans that she had gotten earlier before she left Luche and Ada to enjoy more congratulations since Ada was the last to be engaged and didn't notice how Chelsea had then gone to Sylva, Linda and Luke as well as Ada's parents who Sylva had gathered together to force a congratulatory toast between them all before Sylva informed them that she would be paying for the bulk of it if Luche's parents were willing to buy the invitations and if Ada's parents would pay for Ada's veil since wedding dresses could be so expensive, that she would take care of the rest since Luche was like another son to her and brother to Ravus which she received very little argument to. 

Luche felt he smiled more that night than he had in the previous year combined. But he was so happy. Finally things were coming together. He had the dream job, had fantastic friends, supportive family and the girl of his dreams and everything was perfect and he couldn’t ask for more. 

[exeggcute]

fuck it, I took one of the crazy high-dosage gabapentin capsules my dad gave me because I already have so many pain patches stuck to me that I smell like a menthol cigarette, I took one of those meloxicam tablets this morning, chewed up two CBD gummies, and swallowed a fuckload of aleve over the course of the day and I still feel like I'm going to pass out every time I move even a little bit. my vision is narrowing. clearly this is neurological in origin (like so many things that are wrong with me) and if suffering through a night of mind-bending gabapentin nightmares is the price I must pay to regain a normal level of functioning tomorrow, then so be it

[anotherdayforchaosfay]

I fell in the shower today.

I’m okay.  Got a solid grip on the grab bar and it softened the landing.  Husband is getting a shower/bathing chair for me because this isn’t the first, nor shall it be the last, time it’s happened.  As for the why...

I’ve mentioned before I have an old back injury that has flared the fuck up recently.  Been going on for months. 

I acquired this injury from sledding when I was 14.  My mother forbade me from going sledding with friends.  I was 14, the hill was fantastic and so many kids were sledding.  Why the fuck would I wanna miss out on something like that?  I was on a disc sled, hit a rock, flew a good distance, and landed on another rock less than two inches from my spine.  Wind was knocked outta me, and it took almost ten minutes for me get my legs moving.  Cell phones weren’t common then; they were huge and often had to be carried in bags.  No one thought to call for an ambulance.  One of the friends I was sledding with suggested I sleep over because I didn’t want to get in trouble.  Not even 12 hours later her dad drove me home (because I could barely walk due to pain) and told my mom to take me to the hospital.  She said no, that I deserved this, it’ll be a reminder of what disobedience costs.  That’s when I learned no matter how much I get hurt, she won’t care. 

A large portion of my back was black and purple.  Massive bruise and all kinds of ugly.  Moving hurt, breathing hurt, I couldn’t lay down or sit up.  My mom insisted I do chores because I went sledding when she said not to go, that this is a lesson I need to remember.

I fucking remember.  Every fucking day for 22 years.  Blowing on that spot causes spasms and pain so severe I can’t even breathe.  There are clothes I can’t wear because they touch that spot in such a way that I’m damn near unable to move.  When I was 16 I threw my back out carrying all my school books because two minutes isn’t enough time to get to my locker and then to class.  The specialist I saw did an exam that hurt like fuck, had me crying and my mother calling me a wimp.  He told her this is a nerve cluster that’s like a scar but rather than being visible it causes me pain.  He told her I need surgery, that getting it done while I’m younger is safer and better for me because recovering is easier when young.  She said no because I’m just being wimpy.  I was given muscle relaxants, a board to lay on, a note saying I can’t go to school for at least a week, and another note telling my teachers I need more time between classes and need to use a wheelie bag (those were forbidden back then and really expensive). 

The pain has gotten worse every year.  My mother still thinks I deserve it, that I’m just wimpy.  My father had no say because he was in another country at the time the injury happened.  Military thing called TDY.

I’m seeing my doctor on the 27th; it’s the earliest appointment I could get.  I’ll be requesting a referral to a physical therapy clinic that also has a massage therapist (the only way my insurance will cover this at all), a muscle relaxant, and a referral to a specialist to get this taken care of. 

When the pain spikes, so does my vertigo.  I have constant vertigo, frequent dizzy spells, and recently both have gotten worse.  Hence falling in the shower.  We have all furniture corners cover with baby-safe cushioning because I bump into things a lot.  While looking at apartments (we’re moving in July) I’m looking for places without stairs.  A few years ago I fell down the two steps we had in our home and gave myself a concussion.  No idea how long I was out, but stairs are not good for me.  Especially now. 

Sitting at my computer for more than half an hour hurts like hell.  My recliner is the only place I get any relief, however minor it is.  Quilting is slower because various movements make the pain shoot up.  Normally the pain is sitting at a constant 6; I’m used to it, no big deal.  It’s now sitting at an 8 and spikes to a 9.5.  I pass out at a 10, and have experienced that 10 when my IUD broke in 2010.  That’s another story for another day.

The only thing my mother taught me is that no matter how much pain I’m in, no matter the severity of my injuries, telling her won’t mean a damn thing.  My pain tolerance is insanely high, but she calls me a wimp anyway.  I fell asleep when I got my tattoos, one of which covers the majority of my left ankle and goes up to my knee.  The endorphins release had me really sleepy and I napped for the three hours of the tattoo work.  I fall asleep during most dental appointments because the pain and discomfort release endorphins and make me sleepy.  I have injured myself during seizures, been hit by three cars, suffered a concussion, tore a ligament in my wrist after a bad fall down a set of stairs (and suffered it for 5 years before proper diagnosis and surgery), and a whole hell of a lot of other injuries.  Not to mention the self-harm I inflicted on my legs (no one questions small cuts when I shaved my legs) for over a decade. 

I’m dealing with severe vertigo, extreme pain that has actually made me cry, and I’m pissed the fuck off.  It’s taken me THIS FUCKING LONG to realize my parents weren’t only neglectful of me but also abusive.  It was little and big things, and only with the help of my current counselor have I been able to face what has happened to me.  My sisters were pampered and given all the positive love and affection.  I’m the eldest and “should be setting an example”.  Constantly asked “why can’t you be more like your sisters” and punished when I got anything lower than a B.  Though the neglect they threw at me when I got a B certainly fucking qualifies. 

I don’t know how I can ever bring this up with my parents.  They will never believe they did anything wrong.  I will never get an apology.  Nothing will change other than a massive rift in the family for which I’ll be blamed.

For those who are unaware of a small detail, I rarely cry.  I was shamed for crying, for being emotional, wimpy, too sensitive, etc.  I learned how to cry silently.  Having severe allergies made my sniffling nose easy to mask.  When something makes me cry, it’s an event.  I’m getting better at crying, but when it’s pain that’s setting it off, it’s bad.  My husband is mad with worry because he’s seeing me cry from pain that I’ve been masking for years.  He hates that I hold all this in. He cries openly, he’s sensitive, sympathetic, empathetic, and has none of the toxic masculinity (he claims it’s due to being raised in a house of women).  I’ve been enjoying edibles for several weeks now to help deal with the pain, but I can’t have them daily for many reasons.  I’m allergic to nearly every pain medication, and the one I’m not allergic to (aleve) has no effect on this.  It helps with migraines, fevers, and my wrist, but not my back. 

I know my doctor will help me.  She’s an amazing doctor, she listens to me, hears me, asks the right questions and never shames me for the ones I ask.  She’ll likely insist on me seeing a specialist because this isn’t something I ought to be forced to live with for the rest of my life.  She’ll also mark the massage therapy as medically necessary, which is the only way Medicare will cover it (I’m disabled and on SSDI).

Please don’t reblog this, but you can reply.  I’m full of pain and anger and hurt right now.  JFC I’m gonna cry again.  The more sugar coating I remove from my past, the more I really look at my childhood and growing up, the more I realize how horrible things were for me.  Like many victims of childhood abuse and neglect, I’ve pushed a vast amount of it away.  Don’t want to look at it, don’t want to think about it, but 2019 was the year I began to heal.  Now the ugly part is finally coming around.  The worst part of moving in July will be losing my counselor and doctor. 

[allthingskiszka]

Wasted pt.2

Josh Kiszka x reader

 Sorry about any errors I will proof-read but may miss something

Request Open

Word Count: +1450

Waking up the next morning your head was spinning, you were laying in an unfamiliar bed. You sat up slowly and you soon recognized your surroundings, you were laying in Josh’s bed you noticed the other side of the bed was slept in. You were embarrassed not ready to brace everyone, not being able to recall the events of the night before. You flung your legs off the side of the bed and saw your knee had a giant bandaid on it, and your leg was really sore. You stood up and got extremely lightheaded a long shirt hit you mid-thigh, the realization hit you that someone had to put you in the long shirt. You really hoped it wasn’t Josh. You went to Josh’s dresser and grabbed a pair of shorts slipping them over your legs. Right as they were on Josh came in the door with a glass of water and Aleve, he handed you the glass and pill and softly spoke

“Morning, How bad are you Hungover?”

“I feel like I’m dying, Did I act a fool?” a blush crept on Josh’s face and you looked at him confused

“You can’t remember anything?” he said with a smirk

“The last thing I remember was leaving you, Sam, and Joy to dance. What did I do?”

“I’ll tell you later you are going to need to prepare yourself” he said with a quiet laugh

“It was that bad, please tell me, pretty please Joshy”

“Well um-you-um we kissed, and you told me you liked me. I stopped before it went any farther and you got really upset, but it’s not a big deal” he said because he saw panic all over your face

“I think I’m going to be sick” you said as the color drained from your face. You started towards the bathroom. Josh was following close behind you, as you got down in front of the toilet, Josh held your hair as you let up the contents of your stomach. He rubbed circles on your back, as your throwing up came to a stop Josh stopped rubbing your back and got an extra toothbrush out of the drawer. handing it to you

“I didn’t know I was that repulsive” he said with a giggle, you meekly smiled “I’m just messing doll, we don’t have to talk about it, let's just pretend it didn’t happen”

“Yeah okay, for the best, I guess. Did I do it in front of everyone?” You died a little inside at what he said he must have hated it.

“Yeah, not the breakdown part. Just me and Ron, you were asleep by the time everyone came outside.” 

“I fell asleep outside? I must have been wasted?” you said

“Yeah, you fell asleep, you were pretty wasted”

“I’m sorry, Josh thanks for taking care of me”

“Of course Doll, anything for you. Let me go get you another Aleve”

Josh walked out of the bathroom, you shut the door and let the tears spill over. You didn’t even realize you had to cry until now. You turned on the shower to mask the sound of your crying. there was a knock on the door and you heard Josh

“Hey Doll I sat the Aleve on the nightstand with a cup of water there is a towel in the cabinet you can use. I’m making breakfast”

“Okay” you said sounding a little stuffy

“You okay Doll?”

“Yeah, I’m fine see you in a bit”

“Okay Doll I’ll be counting the minutes” You slid down the shower wall and just let the water run over you. You feel like such a piece of shit, Josh seems to be fine but you love to overthink everything. You stood to wash your hair washing away the shame, sweat, and alcohol from last night. You finished your shower got out grabbed a towel dried yourself off, grabbing the shorts you took off and walking out to grab a fresh shirt out of Josh’s dresser. You took the towel off and was about to throw on the shirt when the door swung open

“Hey Doll food is done” Josh yelled still thinking you were still in the shower. he looked up, seeing your upper body completely naked “Holy shit y/n I’m so sorry” Josh looked down blushing intensely, you quickly covered your body, also extremely embarrassed. “It’s okay Josh, Can you get out so I can put my shirt on”

“I think you mean my shirt, but yeah I’ll see you downstairs” he smirked “Fuck off” you said rolling your eyes you threw the shirt on and went to the bathroom to bush out your hair. You walked out of the room and down the stairs. Everyone was sitting at the table you took a deep breath preparing yourself for what was coming next.

Sam- “Morning y/n how’s the hangover?” he giggled

“Shove it, Sammy”

Jake- “Forget that How you recovering from you hot makeout session with Josh” Jake said with a smirk

“Honestly Jake it was better than any makeout session you've had or givin” you said flipping him off and sitting next to Josh at the table. The table erupted with laughter, and Ronnie gave you a high five. You guys ate and joked around for the next hour. Until Ronnie got a call she hung up

Ronnie-“That was mom she wants us over to help set up”

“Can somebody run me home, so I can change?”

Ronnie- “Josh can” she said smiling

Sam- “I vote Josh as well”

Josh- “For sure, I vote me as well”

“Yeah okay, let's go I want to see Mama & Papa Kiszka as soon as possible” you said

“Alright doll, let me change into shorts” he said running up the stairs. When he came back down he was wearing really short red swim trunks and a white t-shirt and a bandana. “You ready to rock & roll babydoll?”

“Sure thing mister America”

“You love it don’t even pretend you don’t” A blush crept on your face as you guys made your way outside.

“Yeah, yeah you look alright”

“Not to bad yourself, I’m kinda sad tho”

“Why Josh”

“Because you're not gonna wear my favorite shirt, and it looks extremely good on you”

“Oh this is your favorite shirt, I was thinking about keeping it”

“Oh no your not”

“What why? I need something to wear when I miss you” you said sitting down in his car 

“if that's the case, You can have it Doll, but it doesn't even smell like me. That's a shame”

“You're right, I don’t want it” Josh giggled started driving down the road he turned up the radio the song faded out and he turned the radio down “Hey y/n, you want to talk about last night, I think we should” you panicked 

“Josh I’m sorry if I crossed a line, I was drunk, I can’t remember.”

“Hey calm down it’s o-” you interrupted him “I’m so stupid I don’t want to ruin our friendship. I would take it back if I could” You started to spiral out of control, Josh pulled the car over “Hey Y/n, You're fine, it was fine” you shook your head “We can just pretend it didn’t happen like you said” you said as your voice cracked “Darling look at me, that is not what I meant. Take a deep breath okay” tears started to well up in your eyes “y/n please don’t cry, we are okay nothing is wrong with our friendship. I’m not going anywhere ever” Josh tried to reassure you, you let a few tears slip down your cheek Josh brought his thumb up to your face and brushed them away pulling you into his arms “I love you y/n, more than you will ever know” he mumbled the last part so you couldn’t hear him & kissed your forehead. You calmed down and he let you go. “Now that your calm can I tell you something Doll?” you nodded “Okay, I’m not sure how to say this but, I like you, like, like like you. I can’t take it anymore seeing you all the time and you not being mine. Your laugh, sense of humor, confidence, sass, don’t get me started on how drop dead gorgeous you are. I love you, yeah I LOVE YA DOLL. There I said it” he said looking at you, you were crying but this time it was tears of joy “Why are you crying, still? I fucked up didn’t I” he kept mumbling under his breath. You were shaking your head no “Josh, I love you too” he stops and looked at you the biggest smile broke out on his face. He grabbed the back of your neck pulling you towards him kissing you with so much passion & hunger.