#and there's both beauty and tragedy in it

[he-loves-me-he-loves-me-not]

What the chants in Woodkids Arcane song mean

As people are reintroduced to Woodkids beautiful music in the second season of Arcane, I did want to explain the chant you hear in To Ashes and Blood.

In To Ashes and Blood, Woodkid has returned with the Suginami Junior Chorus (after having them as a chorus before- I'd suggest giving Reactor a listen), a Japanese youth chorus, to sing the portion of the fictitious language known as Shuriman of the people of Shurima. It translates to:

"Beyond these walls, the storm’s fury grows Over land and sea, the storm’s fury grows But I have nothing to fear! For the blue bird is with me!"

Woodkids lyrics around this chorus is definitely reflecting on the story of Arcane and its characters. As the choir deliver the Shuriman chant, Woodkid states To Ashes and Blood on repeat over them. This definitely refers to the fact that both sides are at war, and there will be no mercy until the strongest is the last one standing, as Jinx states that they should let it all burn, while Caitlyn becomes a dictator like figure who is driven mad by her mother's murder. Neither side is willing to be lenient about the massacre that's about the take place.

Meanwhile the Shuriman lyrics are referring to Janna, a mythical figure to the people of Zaun, seen as their protector of sorts. She's a wind elemental, with a blue bird that encircles her. In the game, this blue bird is known as the Zephyr.

The clash of Woodkid finalizing that this will end in Ashes and Blood is contradicted by the people of Zaun (or in this case, Jinx and those who follow her), as they chant their resolve to Janna, as she represents Zaun's hope. Whether Janna will appear in season 2 is a coin toss, since she's seen more as a magical deity figure to the people of Zaun, rather than an actual person. However with the introduction of magic into the latter half of season 1, chances are that powerful figures like Janna may show up (or something like it).

If the song isn't an indicator that she will make an appearance for the people of Zaun, at the very least the chants by the innocent's of Zaun are meant for their beacon of hope as they're confronted with the impending war of Piltover against them- they will not fall because they have a deity of sorts that has always ensured their safety despite the tragedies they will endure.

In other words, this is them saying "bring it".

[letsgofullpogue]

I don't usually share my thoughts on the season here, I try to keep it more of an archive than anything, but this shit was a mess and I need to unpack it somewhere. Thoughts on season 4 below the cut.

Groff being JJ's father doesn't make any sense.

Before part two even came out, this little kernel of story rang so false for me. How does Luke wind up with a kook baby who "died" at sea? And the obvious answer is he had an affair with a kook, they had a baby, and, sure, she dies and he has to take care of the baby, leaving him bitter and alone and resentful of JJ. This is a reasonable expectation based on what we know of Luke thus far. But that's not what they're selling. Luke is a good-natured groundskeeper for the Genrettes, forming a light friendship with Larissa and bringing her little baby flowers to light up their days. Chandler, the baby's actual father, lurks in the background, seemingly jealous and controlling and not a fan of Luke. This completely stomps all over what we know to be true about Luke from the beginning, and really wipes out all the beautiful, horrifying work that Rudy and Gary did to build their relationship up until now. What a tragedy.

Why would Chandler kill Larissa and hand off the baby, pretending that he died? Was he hoping that Wes would take him under his wing and he would become the Genrette heir? Why not just keep his own baby with him, who would presumably be the real Genrette heir, coming into the money and property by way of guardianship when he inevitably killed Wes anyway? What's the deal with Chandler and Larissa? Did he marry her for money since he was a Pogue (more on that later)? Is this Foghorn Leghorn accent put on? Did he marry her specifically for her Blackbeard connections? Was it on the order of the Lupine Corsairs? Did he start working with them before he hooked up with Larissa? Was this all part of the plan? Why did Larissa keep her last name? Why in god's name do I care?

Watching Chandler play JJ the whole time requires us to believe that JJ is stupid, and JJ is not stupid. Impulsive, sure. Acts before thinking, absolutely, but not stupid. He's not going to get played this way (especially by a Kook), letting Chandler lock him in a mausoleum, giving him the necklace, giving Chandler his phone. It's insane. And driving around town in the Twinkie while being wanted? Still using their house and surf shop as home base for planning? Stupid stupid stupid.

The retread of scenes we've already done

Pope and Sarah in the tunnel with the rain is Kie in the sewer with the water flushing her out.

JJ and Chandler in the Twinkie is Big John and John B in the Twinkie, and just as bad. I thought they understood that was too much time away from the group, but what I've come to is that they don't actually understand anything.

Wasting too much time with a band of villains, see also last season. At least Singh had an interesting story that somewhat wove into the quest. These guys are just hired grunts. They're not on this hunt for themselves, they were hired to find the crown. Hired by who? And why do we care? They have a code that they live by, but we don't care that one of their faceless guys got killed and that they're out for revenge while pursuing the treasure. They get way too much screen time for us only have ten episodes.

Pope running from the Marines is Pope running from his scholarship interview, with higher stakes consequences that'll never be addressed, I'm sure.

Pope, John B, Cleo, and Sarah in the garage is John B in the garage in season one.

JJ wounded and floating in the water, just like in season two.

JJ and Kie talking about wishes while on watch is surf trip again. I was like, oh wow the chemistry is totally back here, and then I realized that it's fully leaning on the cadence of something that's already happened.

These are not parallels, this is bad writing. Or lazy writing. Or both.

High-stakes actions with no regard for consequences

Speaking of, they're constantly writing themselves into situations they can't get out of at this point. Last year, with JJ making deals with Barracuda Mike, big-time drug dealer, a thing that should have had huge consequences for reneging on the deal, but wound up with none. And in an even bigger 'this doesn't matter', he goes to Barracuda Mike's house this year and demands things of him? Wild and unbelievable.

This year, with JJ assaulting cops and destroying the town, for reasons that don't even really make sense. Wanted and on the run. How do you come back from that? (And a side note. JJ wasn't ever really a physically destructive presence, moreso destructive in the way that he has impulse control issues and acts before he thinks. But JJ has always been the type to take the beating, not start it. Happy to defend himself and his friends, but out of a feeling of usefulness and purpose in the group, not for funsies.)

Also this year with Pope, assaulting a cop, slipping his ankle monitor, and running away from the Marines. THE MARINES. Consequences should be looming, and who knows if we'll get there. But why set these kids on the run for the rest of their lives? The point is this place, the point is these kids. These beautiful idiots with bad luck and good hearts, just trying to get a win. What win is left? Evading jail? Revenge killing? What happened to our little boat show? This is a mess.

A family way

It's insane to me that they would chose to make Sarah pregnant in these circumstances that they've written them into, but then again, it's written by men who seem to have big-time mommy and daddy issues, so why am I surprised? I do feel like the best part of the season is that before John B even knew about the pregnancy, he was basically like I want to be done with this shit. He is not his father, he doesn't yearn for the adventure of it all. He wants to build a life, a normal life, and I wish we had had more time to sit with that and explore it for him.

The dialog

I don't know if it's that they're not improving as much anymore because of ~*reasons*~, but the dialog has gone completely down the tubes. In the last episode of the season, Kiara says "JJ hurry" over and over, at least 5 times in the span of like 15 minutes. When John B, Sarah, and Cleo are running from the Kooks, it's hurry, hurry, hurry. It's either that the writers simply aren't trying anymore or so much of the dialog was filled in with improv that now that everyone hates each other (she says casually and not addressing it at all), they're unwilling to play. Either way, that's their jobs. This show should be so fun to watch and it's becoming a drag.

The filters

I know everyone has complained about the colors of this show the whole time, but it's becoming unforgivable. The blue nighttime filter? I want to throw something at my tv every time they use it. Shoot at night??? Or on a stage? There are options that aren't the most awful fake-looking filters in the world, which, by the way, make watching on any smaller screen completely impossible. I miss those season one South Carolina sunsets. It feels like we've replaced most of those with a really harsh yellow filter that makes lighting people impossible.

Pogues vs. Kooks

That was the setup for this show, right? The haves and the have-nots? Two tribes, one island? Well, now almost every Kook is a Pogue and every Pogue is a Kook. They're muddling the message with bad results, because they still seem to want the tension and the storylines that result from it, but Chandler is a Pogue turned Kook, Ward was a Pogue turned Kook, so is Mike. JJ is a Kook turned Pogue, Rafe, RAFE of all people is working with the Pogues and engaged to one? With season five being the official last season, what will we be left with at the end of all this?

Interviews

So much of what they intended for this story, or what they want the audience to take from this story is told in interviews. I don't know if they're flat-out lying or they really think they nailed it in the telling. They say JJ is freaking out because he finds out he's a Kook, but that's not really what happened on screen, it seems more like he freaks out because their land is being taken from them and Luke's back and betraying them for a deal to keep him out of jail (yeah, not enough time spent on that). That JJ dying was the plan from the beginning which I don't believe was the case for one single second. "JJ is super jealous", where? Show me where because he barely glances at Kiara the entire second half of the season. They're two unsupervised children, dating, living in the same house, who barely ever touch, nevermind kiss. You're making this shit up to get the fans in a frenzy about it and not delivering in the telling.

The biggest fuck you

JJ dying. If talk is to be believed (and I do believe it) Rudy asked to leave and the Pates granted this request by killing him. I'm pissed as hell that the Rudy/Elaine/Madison/Mariah whatever it was ruined a truly great character and couple (the thing that brought me to this show in the first place) and I'm also pissed that it was written this way. Their right as writers and showrunners, I guess. BUT. There is a way to do this and have it make narrative sense and spur the story on and it is their job as writers to figure that out. What they did was strap him with an insane storyline about biological parents that makes no sense, act completely out of character for much of the season, have him pick up a drinking problem that he's never had before (becoming a liability for his friends), and have his new daddy kill him with a 1-inch blade in retribution for *checks notes* not letting him out of a well? Oh, and having his friends bury him in an unmarked grave in a land far from home, a home that they really can't even return to without some of them going to jail for a long time. And now they're out for revenge, as suggested by Rafe.

What is season five going to be? Losing JJ (and Jiara by extension) is a devastating loss for this show. Saddling John B and Sarah with a kid on the way while on the run and actively pursuing very bad people is irresponsible. How can we bring it on home in a way that honors these characters and makes sense of the mess they made of this story? How can we bring it on home at all? I'm not sure, but I guess we'll find out when the time comes. Lord knows, I'll be here until the bitter end.

[errorkey]

@doublel27 these are the most beautiful tags oh my god.....

#why does it always have to be you#and the way in both cases joke gives Jack all the hope before it’s taken away#it doesn’t matter that joke means well#it matters that Jack trusted joke and joke is the author of his misery#I mean less so here than the last time but also still yes#and for someone who’s parents well intentioned choices trapped him in a life of debt and fear to boss#Jack’s life is a tragedy of the well-intentioned betrayals at the hands of the people he loves most

so guess who's never getting over what jack says here!

it's a line that's devastating on it's own. it's heartbreaking, because jack feels so terribly betrayed by joke all over again, even though all joke was trying to do is save him.

but it's not just that. it's worse, because that's what the whole show's been about this entire time.

in english, the title we've been given is "Jack & Joker: U Steal My Heart!" which is the most darling, lighthearted little play on words ever.

but the thai title? it's "Jack & Joker: ทำไมต้องเป็นเธอทุกที," which (according to MyDramaList) translates to "Jack & Joker: Why Does it Always Have to Be You?"

and isn't that exactly what jack's asking now? of everything that had to happen, of everyone that is to blame, why does have to be joke that is at fault again?

from the beginning, this entire show was meant to be about how it's almost inevitable that these two will hurt each other in some way or another. their lives have been entwined since that first moment 5 years ago, and not necessarily in a good way. jack and joke are – quite literally – doomed by the narrative that they're in.

[lesbianfemmefatale]

I wish I could feel the world a little less

[lotus-pear]

whatever happens, please don’t break

[sirenspells]

Mari jumpscare

More experimenting with characters' hair. Also gave her a beauty mark for fun :3 (her headspace counterpart not having one is intentional)

[mhaynoot]

the poetics of sp's involvement in 1863rd is just ... there's no words to capture the how retrospectively tragic it is. sp is the oldest being in the story. his tragedy has stopped being told but the story was still continuing off the page, years and years and even more unending years of being trapped without resolution, blocked behind the wall. he wants to die but cannot.

hsy's plan was to make 1863 yjh sleep forever. while it is not true death obviously, it will have been the closest to death any yjh has ever gotten (besides 0th who still turned away from it). not death, not regression, but sleep. it is only the domain of the dreams that will let him escape the cruel reality of his unreality and the silent god who will continue to watch over him forever so long as it was this man, yjh.

an important recurring symbol/motif in orv is dreams and there are several important themes linked to dreams i want to discuss.

first one is pretty obvious: dreams as escapism, as a way to desperately wish for a better life, wanting desperately to be saved from a ruined world. ala 1863rd yjh's wish for death and the oldest dream's wish for the characters to become real, to save him. as such, dreams represent a desperate plea for salvation.

and this might be a reach but i would still like to argue that it is the character's belief of their own hopelessness that lead to dreams but also perpetuates an unending cycle. wanting to be saved but also not being able to believe that you're worthy of being saved, that nothing / no one would / should save you. this duality is what leads me to the second theme: in their endless cycle being trapped and neither dead nor living, dreams are but another form of regression.

kdj becomes the oldest dream, the willing lonely god who could only ever dream of everyone's happiness but his own. he had seperated himself from ever reaching out and watching 1864th worldline where all his loved ones are and where he knows he would have been tempted to return. so symbolically, he interferes with 0th yjh and, as his stardusts falls away, he watches all the regressions and yjh. always yjh. his dream. in the end, the train that traps him is himself.

but a final point i want to touch on is this:

it is only when they get off the train and reach their epilogue, does sp finally achieve liberation, does the oldest dream finally end (become free). the dream has ended and into the waking cruel world, they become characters no longer having found each other at last. this was sp's ■■. and that's what i meant by the poetics of it all. the happiest, gentlest of epilogues: the ending of the oldest dream.

[kirjavas]

— The Book Thief, Markus Zusak

[blue-eli]

Ink October day 3: Sophistry

An argument that seems plausible, but is fallacious or misleading, especially one devised deliberately to be so.

[faaun]

my research partner and i are huddled in a blanket in paddington waiting for a too-late train i already miss you and you and you

[gordonfreemanspussy]

kicks my feet... i don't see it a lot outside of barmey but... have we considered pre-rescas [or just pre-combine] barney calhoun with kinda shaggy long hair. the kind he has to put up into a little bun to hide under his helmet, but it's just not quite long enough to be an elegant bun. the kind of length that always has him saying "haha yheah i need a haircut" but that haircut always comes late and then after that he ends up back at square one... have we thought about this [i am talking to two ants on my bathroom counter]

[tragedy-for-sale]

Left Me with You

Anakin hated when he took away Obi-Wan's happiness, even if it was just pretend.

Sad Obi-Wan is just my favorite thing to write. Apparently. This fic is kinda long and is already up on my Ao3.

─── ❖ ── ✦ ── ❖ ───

It wasn't often that Obi-Wan and Anakin got to go on meditative retreat together. But even then, as Obi-Wan sat in the field, eyes closed and legs crossed, he could feel it within him, Anakin would be happier if he wasn't here. Obi-Wan opened his eyes, brows furrowed and a concerned frown. He wished he could talk to Anakin about it, but talking wasn't something they did. Obi-Wan wondered of all Anakin would say, if he could speak openly of his love, Obi-Wan smiled at the thought of Anakin, the sparkle of love in his eyes. The sparkle of life. But that smile didn't last long, Anakin would never tell him all about his love, and Obi-Wan would never ask. He wouldn't ruin Anakin's happiness, it was such a rare thing, and Obi-Wan never wanted Anakin to go without it, not if he didn't have to.

Obi-Wan stood up, wrapping his robe around him as he started back to the small vacation home Padme had so graciously allowed them to stay in. He walked among the wildflowers, but he didn't stop to pick a few. They were beautiful, but the moment he touched them, the moment he plucked them from their home, they would die, the moment Obi-Wan touched those beautiful flowers, they would die. So he kept walking, he let them live, he would not touch them, and he would live because Obi-Wan didn't go anywhere near them.

Reaching the house, he took off his sandals and walked into the kitchen. He looked on the counter and saw a vase. Obi-Wan felt as if he'd been struck, those flowers, those beautiful flowers that Obi-Wan had been so tempted to kneel down beside, to take in the smell of spring, to pluck them from their home for his own selfish desires. Those beautiful flowers were impossible not to notice, and now they were on full display as they died- "Hey Obi-Wan," it was Anakin's voice, but Obi-Wan could not stop the ringing in his head long enough to focus, "-picked the flowers-" The sound of flickering embers. "-They're really nice, they smell really good-" he would've led such a meaningful life. "Obi-Wan?"

Obi-Wan looked up, he found Anakin, "Oh, Anakin," a familiar smile found its way to Obi-Wan's face as he walked over and smelled the flowers, 'I'm so sorry, Master-' he closed his eyes, the smell of spring, early morning rainfall and late night firefly catching. He opened his eyes, "How was the lake?"

Anakin's own smile flickered on his face, but if Obi-Wan didn't want to talk, they wouldn't. Talking wasn't something they did. "It was nice, Master." Anakin remembered fondly, "The water was cool but in the sun," Anakin chuckled, "Man, I almost fell asleep, that's why I came back," Anakin opened the fridge with the intention of finding a snack but he couldn't help his thoughts wandering and lingering on Obi-Wan. Even though they hadn't even been remotely close, Anakin could sense his Master's sorrow. He'd worried about this. He hadn't wanted Obi-Wan to come to Naboo, Anakin had asked Obi-Wan if he'd want to go somewhere else, anywhere else but here. Anakin could sense it since the moment they arrived, Obi-Wan would be happier if he wasn't here.

"Master," Anakin's voice seemed on edge, it certainly caught Obi-Wan's attention, for Anakin could sense Obi-Wan straightening up and crossing his arms. Prepared to ricochet any shots.

"Yes, Anakin?" But his voice was soft, giving nothing away, not his fear, not his anger, not his sorrow. Obi-Wan was always so good at pretending, but Anakin knew that for all of Obi-Wan's confidence, he didn't really mean it.

"We're still gonna be here in four days," Anakin could dance around the point, that was how it worked. Neither one of them dared to look the other in the eye, for both were far too afraid to address all the damage they'd done to the other.

"Yes, we are," Obi-Wan nodded, walking over to the cabinet and looking at the tea. He was so good at that. "Do you want a cup of tea?" He wasn't going to give in, he couldn't.

Anakin nodded, maybe he should drop it, but how could he ignore Obi-Wan's trembling hands? "Master," Anakin said again, Obi-Wan turned, that knowing smile on his face. "It'll be twelve years..."

Obi-Wan felt as if he'd been punched in the gut, the mug became impossibly heavy he could only put it down. His stomach twisted in knots as he struggled to turn to meet Anakin's gaze, "Yes," He mustered out, but his voice trembled. Every year, from the first year to today, Obi-Wan was never any better, he never missed Qui-Gon any less. Obi-Wan resigned, bowing his head, looking down at the counter, "Why do you bring it up?"

Anakin might as well of gut punched Obi-Wan then and there, that would hurt less. He looked at his master, hunched over, fists clenched Anakin could see the white of his knuckles, stray hairs hiding his face and his shoulders tense. He shouldn't have said anything. They didn't talk about things like this, this was why, Anakin. "-When I lost my mother," Anakin's throat went dry, he found it so hard to speak. "When she died-" he looked away, "I can't remember what she sounds like," Anakin wanted to laugh, if only to show Obi-Wan he was okay. "I don't remember her laugh or that song she'd sing while doing laundry, even though she sang it every time she did the-" Anakin hung his head, oh- Oh. What had he done?

Obi-Wan looked up through his hair, he looked terribly alone. "Anakin..." Obi-Wan walked over to Anakin, reaching out his hand, but Anakin remembered the point of all this pain.

"-I still think about my mother, so I know you still think of Qui-Gon." Anakin's voice was quiet, but Obi-Wan heard, like blaster fire, it was all he could hear, it was deafening.

It might've taken Anakin losing his own mother to realize the root of all those tears Obi-Wan cried. He remembered those first few weeks, Obi-Wan was sad all the time, he'd cry after he'd put Anakin to bed, he'd cry after meetings with the council, he'd cry, hand covering his mouth as he realized he was really pathetic. To still not be alright, to still be crying months after. To always be sad. Anakin knew now, Obi-Wan felt like a scared little kid, so he'd cry, he'd cry and cry hoping Qui-Gon would come to tell him not to be afraid, to sing a lullaby and silly songs while doing laundry. But he never came and one day Obi-Wan stopped crying, he didn't cry after a hard mission, not a tear after remembrance ceremonies, not even watery eyes after being told 'you're so much like your master.' Obi-Wan didn't cry, but he cut his hair, meditated on sleepless nights, held his lightsaber to stop his shaking hands. But he did not cry, he did not cry. He would not cry, not in front of Anakin, not in front of anyone. Not anymore.

The tears stopped but the pain never did. It was only a few short years ago Obi-Wan decided he would never cry in front of Anakin and up until now Obi-Wan stood by his vow. But here, right now, Anakin knew him completely, all his pathetic pain and sorrow. His infinite sadness and self-effacing jokes. He'd never let anyone know how sad he would always be, certainly not. But he couldn't hide his water-colored eyes from Anakin, even though they didn't talk, of course he knew. Obi-Wan's voice trembled and all the strength and poise he'd so carefully crafted fell apart. Obi-Wan felt his eyes water, "Oh, Anakin," his voice cracked, "I'm so sorry-" Obi-Wan shook his head, he couldn't look at Anakin, not after the face he made. Oh, Anakin's face. All of Obi-Wan's pain fell into embarrassment, he couldn't pull himself together, and he was so sorry that he couldn't. "I'm sorry, Anakin, for all of this-" for all of me-

Anakin felt everything within him stop, he couldn't think, he couldn't move, he couldn't breathe, Obi-Wan hadn't cried in so long- and all it took was Anakin to open his damned mouth to change that. "Please don't cry, Master, please Obi-Wan-" Anakin looked down, voice trembling, all he could do was beg, "I hate it when you cry-" He really did, he hated not being listened to, being talked over and feeling powerless, but what he hated most, more than his own pain and frustration, what seeing that frustration in those he loved. He hated when Padme worked really hard on a speech to not be heard at all, when Ahsoka cried because she missed her friends, when Rex lost a brother. Anakin hated that he couldn't take their pain away, and most of all, he hated that Obi-Wan was sad, he hated that nothing would ever make him truly happy, Anakin hated he couldn't do anything to ease his pain, he hated when Obi-Wan cried because he became powerless, Anakin was a little kid all over again, unable to think because, like his mother, there was nothing he could do to make her tears stop, there was nothing he could do to make Obi-Wan's tears stop.

Obi-Wan wiped his eyes, his forced smile was so similar to his real one, if Anakin didn't know Obi-Wan, he wouldn't know the difference. How many people didn't know the difference? "Anakin, I do apologize," Obi-Wan took a deep breath, pulling himself back in, shoving all this pain down. He came over to Anakin and pulled his former padawan into a hug, "I'm alright, we'll be alright." His voice was so assuring, so knowing, so void of all his suffering. There it was, that holy resignation. Obi-Wan forgetting himself for the sake of others around him, there it was, his unrequiting selflessness.

Anakin held him tightly, just for a moment as he was safe in his master's arms, he felt a wave of grief sweep him out to sea, his feet swept out beneath him; Anakin was so afraid to let go of Obi-Wan, for he'd surely drown, "I miss my mom-" he'd never admit this, not now anyway, but he'd let himself remember his mother's smile, that soft glow in her eyes, the lines of age framing her eternal beauty, he could almost hear her now, "I still feel like a little kid without her-"

Obi-Wan would not let go until Anakin was ready, and when he was, Anakin wiped his eyes, stepping back into the man he'd grown into, a man without a mother. He looked down at Obi-Wan and he didn't see his Master, he saw a man without a father. It was just the two of them as they were, true Jedi: without a mother, without a father. Their family was the Jedi, but to consider the Jedi their family would be forming an attachment, would it not? Obi-Wan had long pondered that, late into sleepless nights, staring at the ceiling. If he was supposed to be ever compassionate, ever loving; if he was raised to love through love, it was rather hard to not become lost in feelings of attachment. "... That never really goes away." Obi-Wan whispered, he still felt like a padawan, he always wished Qui-Gon was still here, that Obi-Wan was still a son. But he wasn't, and Obi-Wan wasn't.

Anakin held his master tight, but not out of his own sorrow, what about Obi-Wan? Anakin remembered council meetings, the two watched by all of their ever-caring stares, all debating Anakin's future with the Jedi, but what about Obi-Wan? If they ever asked about his well-being, Anakin would never know if, in those early days, they made Obi-Wan feel worse by questioning his ability to do this on his own. "Master," Anakin pulled out of their hug, Obi-Wan was all put back together again, with tape and glue, "You don't have to pretend you're alright, not with me."

Obi-Wan's smile flickered, that sadness flooding back into his eyes, "Anakin," Obi-Wan looked down, he almost wanted to laugh, "Oh, you've grown up, haven't you?" He saw Anakin's smile, too bad it was born from sorrow, "You've become the Jedi I always dreamed you would be."

"-And you've become the Jedi Qui-Gon always dreamed you would be-" Anakin put his hand on Obi-Wan's shoulder, he didn't need to be told, but perhaps it was a nice reminder, "Qui-Gon would be proud of the man you've grown into, Master, you are an honorable Jedi, and a good master, even if at times I didn't think so." This time Anakin laughed, and Obi-Wan almost did too. There was a moment, Obi-Wan had fallen into his thoughts but Anakin's voice brought him back, "What I'm saying, is that it's okay to tell me that you miss him," It's okay if you tell me that you cut your hair after I told you that you looked like him; It's alright if you tell me you hold onto your lightsaber because it makes you feel safe; It's okay if you tell me you meditate instead of sleeping because you only have nightmares of that day; It's okay if you tell me you cry when there's no one around because you want everyone to think you're okay now. "It's okay for you to miss him, Obi-Wan, I know how much you loved him-"

Anakin watched Obi-Wan's eyes flicker, perhaps with surprise, perhaps embarrassment, as if loving the man who raised you as his own was something to be ashamed of. As if mourning Qui-Gon like Anakin mourned his mother was wrong. Anakin put a reassuring hand on Obi-Wan's shoulder, sensing the cracks in his master's facade, "It's alright.... If you tell me that you loved him-" Anakin whispered.

Obi-Wan looked up, taking a deep breath, he looked up at his padawan, oh, when did he grow up? He was far beyond that little boy on Tatooine, Anakin had grown up into a Jedi Knight, and now they served together not as master and apprentice, but side by side as Jedi Knights. Obi-Wan blinked and Anakin wasn't scared to let go of Obi-Wan's hand, he wasn't heading to the padawan dining hall, he wasn't practicing his form. No, Obi-Wan blinked and Anakin was putting himself in the line of fire to protect others, bringing meals to Obi-Wan's chambers so they can eat together, making form videos for Ahsoka, Obi-Wan had trained him as best as he was able, and somewhere in the last twelve years, Anakin grew up. Obi-Wan had a sorrowful realization from such a miraculous thing, Anakin had grown up. They worked alongside each other as Jedi Knights, and now Obi-Wan had what he dreamed of, he had what he always wanted, what Qui-Gon always wanted.

─── ❖ ── ✦ ── ❖ ───

The problem is that you're not the Jedi you should be, you're not the Jedi your master wanted and trained you to be, you're a Jedi Master, member of the Jedi Council, but really, you're still just a padawan whose master died, and you never got over it.

[smeraldo-heart]

More Jedi Textposts

Except I go straight for angst this time and don’t even pretend to have some levity

Part two on its way….

[wolfywolfy]

Genuinely I love Julian's route in The Arcana so much. The potential of it, this inherent pull towards someone and you don't understand why -- he's admitted guilt to murder yet you can't help but feel this strange insistence that he's innocent. You don't know how, but your body, mind, & soul are screaming at you that this man that you have never met before is good, he's not what others say he is, he's not what he himself says he is; and then you learn that he doesn't even remember what happened, he just assumes he's the guilty party because he wouldn't be able to live with himself if he was. Why else would he forget unless it was an unbearable guilt he couldn't bear the weight of?

And, on top of it all, he has this same strange familiarity with you. How does he feel when he sees you in the shop and his heart stutters? When suddenly his aimless searching for something feels resolved, when he looks at you and everything feels right? He doesn't know you and yet his body remembers.

The mutual amnesia of people who used to be extremely close. He sees you for what he thinks is the first time ever, but his body is telling him no, we know them, we miss their touch. And you, the apprentice, slowly realizing you're feeling the same things? You immediately trust him because, before you forgot, he was your partner. Your mentor. Somebody you were so incredibly, incredibly close to, but you died and he blamed himself and everything crumpled and he made himself forget so it could never happen again and then --

There you are. And neither of you remember, but at the same time, some part of you does. The muscle memory never left. He touches you so casually, pats your arms and grabs your hand and leads you around the alleys as if it's second nature because it is. He dreams of your face and his torment and of losing you, and doesn't realize that it was real, and that his body itches to hold you because that part of him can't bear to lose you again.

I am obsessed with it. How many little tells are there, really, that the two of you share and hint at it being an old habit from times forgotten? How many little touches used to be daily routines? How many flutters of visions aren't just passing thoughts and wishes, but memories?

You think of how hard it would be to kiss Julian with a plague mask on, and his response is "Imagine trying with two of them," because he wanted to kiss you when you were his apprentice, when you were both desperate and tired and aching and tortured by the plague with only each other's company as a comfort. Maybe that's why you had the thought of kissing him in the first place, too -- but neither of you know why the subject was brought up, neither remember, yet some parts of you do.

Ugh. I love it. And when Julian finally does regain his memories? And he realizes you're real and you're here and you've been here, and he has been able to touch you and hold you this whole time, but now he can truly appreciate it, but he's also horrified with the weight of losing you all over again. Oh my God. It's so good. The potential underlying thoughts and emotions are so good.

[swallowtail-ageha]

The death and the maiden gehrmaria leimotifs. That's the post

[magpie-trinkets]

man i hope i get to feel creative joy again. im so demotivated in general