#and there’s the mothers talking endlessly about their children’s problems

[francesderwent]

Harriet Vane, my whole heart

[augustinewrites]

just alhaitham realizing he wants a baby with you... cw: pregnancy, children

alhaitham is in the middle of reading, spending his lunch hour tucked away in a quiet corner puspa cafe when he feels a poke at his arm.

he slides his headphones off, looking over to see a child standing next to him, clutching something to her chest. 

“excuse me– mister scribe sir?”  

the scribe sighs, tucking his book away. “just alhaitham is fine.”

the child blushes furiously. “oh, um, mister alhaitham sir, my teacher says that your job is reading. could you read this for me please?” 

that was an incredibly juvenile description of his job, but he doesn't correct her. the girl slides what alhaitham recognizes as the children’s book that tighnari had written (and collei had illustrated) to teach the basics of forest safety. the storytelling was mediocre and the illustrations were average, but he supposed they were sufficient enough for children who had no higher education.

alhaitham glances at the clock. he still has a half hour left of his break, and he was nothing if not an advocate for educating young minds.

—

“the lesson is to always be prepared when traveling through the rainforest,” alhaitham explains, closing the book. “there’s always a high probability that you’ll run into fungi, especially if you're on foot like little cyno was. you’d do well to add a variety of antitoxins to your first aid kit.”

the girl considers this, brows pulled into a furrow as she sips at the sunsettia juice he’d ordered for her. 

“why didn’t little cyno just go around the fungi when he saw them? then he wouldn't have gotten the sports.”

“the spores,” alhaitham corrects. “but your point stands. common sense is perhaps the most effective survival tool.” 

children, with their inquisitive and imaginative minds, were adequate problem solvers. they didn't overthink things, instead utilizing a simple, pragmatic way of thinking. 

he wouldn't mind raising a little scholar of his own with you. 

he’d thought a normal amount about having a child before. typical musings, like when he would have one (after school, after securing a decent job). or what their names would be (esfir for a boy, laila for a girl). who would bear his children (the only person he’d ever considered was you).

but these aren’t idle musings anymore. this time, the idea hits him full force, quickly spiraling into a hope. a dream for the future. 

a boy with his eyes and your smile. a girl with your hair colour and his nose. how you’d raise them together, how they’d grow to be intelligent, inquisitive, creative, and endlessly compassionate.  

“sweetheart, there you are!” a relieved voice exclaims. 

the girl sitting across from him perks up as her mother runs up to the table, her smile widening. “mama! mister alhaitham read me a book!”

“i'm so sorry she interrupted your lunch, sir,” the frantic mother looks sheepish as she apologizes, but alhaitham dismisses it with a wave of his hand. 

“it’s alright. if anything, this experience has been rather enlightening.” 

_____

“that's quite the stack,” you comment mildly when your husband enters the bedroom with an armful of textbooks. “which new topic have you been intrigued with this week?”

alhaitham sets the books down on the nightstand and answers, “conception.”

his answer is spoken simply, casually, like he’s talking about the weather and not one of the most life-altering decisions you could make as a couple. 

“conception,” you repeat slowly. “like…”

“you’re a doctor. you’re aware of the biological process behind it.” 

“of course i am,” you say, suddenly feeling flustered. “i just– we’ve never talked about this before, haitham.”

your husband sighs, walking around to your side of the bed and sitting by your legs. “well…i want to talk about it.” 

seconds pass. seconds that almost feel like a lifetime as you watch each other, looking for any unspoken signs of hesitation.

“it’s up to you,” he finally says, gently placing a hand on your ankle. “it’s your body, you’re the one who would be carrying our baby for nine months. if you’re not ready–”

you don't need to hear the rest, crawling over to cup his face in your hands and press a soft kiss to his lips. “i'm ready. we’re ready.” 

his eyes immediately brighten, and he momentarily leaves your grasp to reach across the bed to grab the topmost book from his stack. “there are certain positions that we can try to increase our chances of conceiving. according to studies conducted in fontaine, this one has an effectiveness of 89.5%. it’s called a mating press…”

you wish you could say it’s the first time he’s propositioned you with educational literature. 

“wait, you didn’t ask me,” you giggle, threading your fingers through his hair and tugging lightly. 

he pauses. “will you try this position with me?”

“no, smartass. ask me to have a baby with you.”

your husband grins, hooking his hands under your ass to pull you into his lap. you gasp as he does so, his head dipping down to the crook of your neck. he says your name, lips brushing the shell of your ear.

“will you let me put a baby in you, dearest?”

[neversetyoufree]

The way Noé Archiviste is written is so good. I'm so obsessed with him.

He's such a protagonist—endlessly hopeful against adversity and filled with kindness and attempted understanding toward everyone he meets. He's a good person! He wants to save everyone! He is genuinely and utterly without any sort of cruelty or unfair bias.

Yet, the more the series goes on, the more he's written as a very obvious parallel to our antagonists.

The most blatant example of this is the Ruthven parallel. Ruthven once happily said that he liked vampires, and in the same way, he liked humans. Noé repeats this exact same line when he has tea with Ruthven.

This parallel doesn't reflect too poorly on Noé, since it's pretty clear that something Happened to Ruthven to change him between his speaking that line and him becoming our antagonist, but it is an interesting way to tie the two of them together. It raises certain questions in readers' minds. In what other ways are Noé and Ruthven still similar, and how might Noé change to become more like him?

Then there's Noé's toxic optimism. The "you should be a little bothered, actually" aspect of him. Noé is the mirror to Vanitas's toxic pessimism. He latches onto the good in the world to a fault, and in this way he detaches from reality and endures an endless series of abuses to his person without even understanding they're abuses.

That is also one of the defining traits of Mikhail. Misha is unsettling in part because he is completely detached from any understanding of severity. Misha happily recounts being abused and watching his mother die not because he's cruel or hateful, but because he doesn't understand what's happened to him or why those things are bad. Misha wants to bring Luna back to life because he's in denial of the reality of their death. He believes he can just resurrect them and everything will be fine, and he'll get to play happy family again.

If Noé went just a little bit more extreme with the over-optimism, he could disconnect from reality just as badly as Misha has.

Finally there's my favorite parallel—the tie between Noé and his Teacher. Noé Archiviste has a tendency to watch others in fascination, trying to figure them out from the sidelines while he fails to understand his own impact on them, and he absolutely loves the Blue Moon. He thinks the Blue Moon is beautiful. Teacher spends his time collecting interestingly damaged children in putting them in awful situations, apparently just for the fun of watching what they'll do next, and he calls The Vampire of the Blue Moon "the most beautiful creature in the world."

Noé's curiosity-driven fascination with Vanitas's trauma and his love of the blue moon—neither of these are necessarily a problem on their own, but when written in direct parallel with The Count of Saint Germain, they become somewhat alarming.

In the same way that Misha is "worse" than Noé because his obliviousness to his trauma leads him to harm others, Noé's teacher is surely a worse person than him because he lets himself harm others in pursuit of his interests. Noé doesn't do that. But what would it take for that to change? He's pushed boundaries before. He learned to hurt Astolfo and Misha in the name of protecting those he cares about. What other strange places could his headstrong nature lead?

What might Noé do when his fascination and his obliviousness intersect? When the parts of him that are Teacher and the parts of him that are Misha overlap? What would he do to see Vanitas again? What might he do without letting himself realize how terrible it was?

Noé is a good person. He's one of the best people. But in his attentiveness and his optimism and his love, there's the seeds of something that could lead him down a very dark road. Each of the above antagonists is a little bit a part of who he is.

Misha wants to bring Luna back to life. Ruthven is working toward some mysterious aim with the dead or dying Faustina. And given how he talks in mémoire 55, I wouldn't be surprised if Teacher also had an interest in bringing back The Vampire of the Blue moon in one form or another.

In all his fascination and love and hope, would/will Noé be able to let Vanitas die when death is preferable to the alternative? This is a story about the inevitability of death, and the denial of that inevitability creates nothing but horror and perversion. Noé is growing and learning to understand both Vanitas and the moral complexities of the world, and we can only hope that he learns enough. We can see through his many reflections in other characters what he might become if he can't accept painful reality.

[eggingtontoast]

Hi there! I have not interacted much in the Hatchetfield fandom, but I've talked endlessly about Hatchetfield in the @blinkysrewatchparty discord server. My name is Egg and I have a problem. I'm obsessed with a side character. A side character named Karen Chasity.

Below is most of the contents of what is a five page document about how I interpret her as a character. A lot of it is headcanon, because we simply don't have enough information about her. Again, I have a problem. Enjoy.

My Karen Chasity Problem: How I approach Karen as a character. (SFW EDITION kinda.)

[Disclaimer: Within this document I discuss Karen’s interaction with characters such as Girl Jeri(from now on referred to as Jeri), Detective Shapiro (NPMD), and Doug(Mariah’s cop from TGWDLM). At the time of writing, I’ve written Karen in ships with these three, so there will be mention of each briefly, though it is not the main focus.]

Karen's main theme is first and foremost restraint.

To lesser extent there is also repression and control.

 She is the most uptight/serious of all the Chasity household. (As evidenced in NPMD, she does not make jokes like Mark, nor does she fly off the handle like Grace) 

This is not to say she is completely stone faced, she does have instances where she emotes quite a bit, but (in my opinion) it feels exaggerated for comedic effect (because it's a comedy musical/scene where her dang daughter is breaking apart)

Her conversation with just Mark about her concerns with Grace not acting her usual self says a lot here

She is obviously someone who cares for her loved ones, though she may not bring up those concerns with the person in question. She is caring, in a quiet way. In NPMD there is a time skip between Dirty Girl to Max's death to Grace waking up after Richie's death. We know that Grace has been acting off for at least that amount of time. This gives Karen a time frame to notice that change in behavior.

NPMD is a blip in the rest of their lives, time wise. I’m interested in the Karen Chasity that isn’t worrying over her daughter, the Karen Chasity that isn’t rife with paranoia during a townwide lockdown.

Karen’s secondary theme is devotion.

She is literally religious.

There is an argument for this if we do take into account the dinner scene with the Chasity household and how she nods along with Mark talking about the Holy Ghost, as well as how quick she checks Grace’s temperature. This is all also said by the above section. 

While I choose not to use a character’s… characterization in musical numbers too much, it’s clear that Karen, without her restraint (In Hatchet Town), still cares deeply about her loved ones. Sure, she may be rife with paranoia in that song but she still emphasizes the safety of the children in her part. She still cares, even if in that song it’s far too much.

She gives to others far more than she gets back.

Maybe this entire thing is rendered moot by the above section. This isn’t a formal document, fuck it.

Karen's slight mid-west(?) accent popping out when she talks to Grace

This is more prominent when she tells Grace she's gonna be late to being early for school (emphasis on "oo" noises, elongation and shortening of syllables. Monophthongal [e:] and [o:] present in both minnesota and michigan among other places) 

It’s probably because Hatchetfield is placed in Michigan, but no one else does this in the Hatchetfield universe. It could be another thing played up for comedy? I choose to see this as Karen playing up her maternal role. I could headcanon this as her drawing from her own mother? 

If we go with this, this could reference back to the headcanon/idea of “Karen’s family was a big influence on herself and despite wanting to move away from that connection, Karen is someone very much from her background.”

The accent itself makes her sound different than from the initial Chasity household scene, maybe it’s just nothing idk. 

“...beautiful old house” particularly has her pronouncing the “o” in old and house as more round and wide instead of that tighter “o” later on when she says “school”

Potentially trans-atlantic accent during first Chasity scene in NPMD (the fuck am I saying)

Mark kinda does this too, could be just vocal direction being older film for that more “classic nuclear family” feel

Consistently speaks kind of sing-songy in the show, though I don’t prescribe to that being her natural speaking tone.

(quick aside: you could probably replace Curt and Kim with muppet versions of themselves as the Chasitys and it wouldn’t change anything about the show, it would be funny)

Okay let’s move on from the fucking voice thing

We know very little about the Chasitys aside from Grace, but that’s because she’s appeared the most out of all of them. 

Therefore, I am playing fast and loose with how I characterize Karen.

I write her as a queer woman, who has been closeted for a very long time.

So Karen is restrained. 

An entire theme with the Chasitys is their repression due to religion. It’s not hard to simply write any of them as extremely closeted because of this. 

Therefore, Karen is uptight. 

The stressors of maintaining the image of a heterosexual, pure, Christian woman on a day to day basis would grate on anyone, especially if they are queer. Any singular slip up in a community like a church the Chasitys go to, could mean social death. 

Karen’s humor is subtle.

She doesn’t outwardly make jokes like Mark, or has unhinged, comedic reactions like Grace. If anything, Karen is the straight man in the comedy of the Chasity household. She is the baseline Mark and Grace work off of, stable and secure.

When writing Karen I tend to make her a little more deadpan than canon. She is such an over the top character in NPMD, it’s hard for me to write that in a believable way. I tend to make characters a little more grounded. If a musical is loud and bright, I’m writing them in a stage play, or a movie.

Because of this, I’m taking that one Smokey the Bear line from Abstinence Camp and saying Karen said that in the most deadpan voice that Grace simply did not realize it was a joke.

Karen has body language tells

We see her wringing her hands together as she walks toward Mark in NPMD, expressing her concern for Grace.

Furthermore, she nods quietly and hums when listening to others(Chasity dinner table conversation, Grace bedroom conversation, etc.)

I like to imagine that while she might be “playing a role” as a mother/church woman/pristine Chasity she still exemplifies some of these bodily tells. Just in a more restrained way. She pulls toward her own body instead of gesturing outward. In NPMD she leans and curls in on herself, to present more demure. 

In my own writing, I contrast this with how she acts outside of the context of her church, or with Grace. Because I see her and Mark as mutual beards, as best friends, she is able to drop that facade of a demure housewife and stand straighter(lol) and taller. Her shoulders are not hunched in on themselves, they are pushed back. What we see in NPMD is a role she plays in her day to day, but is not necessarily her authentic self.

Again this is like heavy headcanon and this is also the SFW version of the document sorry guys you have to be at least 18 to get the full context lmao tough shit

Karen is someone who says a lot with her hands(and to an extent, her eyes), Even as someone who may not gesture overtly. She holds them together, points, accents her speech with them. Karen's hands are the way she interacts with the world when she doesn't verbally talk much.

Karen is controlling.

Maybe this feels a little obvious. She is controlling with herself and how she presents herself. She is caught in a web of her own making, and this can extend to who she associates herself with. If this becomes too much it’s horribly unhealthy. It is the fear of her truths coming out that keep her from going too far. 

This manifests with how she approaches Jeri at first, and how she starts making packed lunches for Doug and Shapiro. It’s a sliding scale of when control is acceptable. 

As well as volunteering for church business and around town. Karen is a busy woman because if she is left idle she doesn’t know what else to do. She does not know how to relax.

Karen is afraid.

Her repression and restraint stem from the fear of ostracization. From her church, her community, and her own family. 

While I’m operating on the idea of her and Mark being mutual beards (their marriage being a lavender one) I imagine she is afraid of the way Grace would react if she found out her mother -someone whom Grace obviously looks toward for guidance and help- is queer.

The same goes for her church. She’s presented herself as a heterosexual woman for so long (due to her and Mark’s safety as two queer people coming from conservative families) that she is stuck in that role. She immerses herself in aforementioned church activities and volunteer work to maintain that label, and that level of safety.

[ladyloveandjustice]

Spring 2023 Anime Overview: Oshi no Ko

Spoiler free premise: A doctor in a small town is a fan of a sixteen-year-old idol Ai Hoshino. But then Ai shows up with a secret pregnancy. Now he’s going to have to figure out how to deal with her secret and safeguard her from obsessive fans as he helps her give birth…

Spoiler for the entire first super long episode twist premise under the cut:

…that is, until the doctor is murdered by Ai’s stalker and reincarnates as Aqua, one of the twin children Ai gives birth to. The other twin, Ruby, is also a reincarnated soul. She was a former patient of the doctor’s, a twelve-year-old who was a huge fan of Ai before dying of terminal illness. Both twins are unaware of the other’s former identity, but they both enjoy their new lease on life and come to love Ai all the more.

All seems well (I mean well for the twins, that is, not for the viewer who has to grapple with all this bizarre and creepy premise) until the same stalker that murdered the doctor murders Ai herself. Aqua realizes his father/Ai’s secret lover must have leaked Ai’s location to the stalker on purpose. The problem is that Ai never told Aqua and Ruby who their father was. So Aqua vows to track down his father and kill the man for what he did to Ai, whatever the cost. After growing into a teenager, he gets more involved in the entertainment industry and begins his search for his mother’s true killer in earnest.

Yeah, that’s a lot isn’t it? And it probably doesn’t help when I tell you that before he becomes Aqua, the doctor basically admits he, an adult man, wouldn’t turn down a date from the sixteen year old Ai, prompting the nurse to call him a lolicon (because anime will always insist on using that phrase where they should say ‘pedophile/ephebophile'). Or that baby Aqua refuses to breastfeed with Ai, but his twelve-year-old-girl-in-a-past-life twin happily does so with a huge, lascivious grin. (There’s also a discussion where Aqua says ‘he’ll let it slide’ when he learns Ruby was a girl in her past life too, she’s like ‘wow so great I was born a girl so I can enjoy mama's/Ai's breasts” and he’s like “no it’s not okay actually” and you just have to sit back and realize this is a conversation you’re watching on TV. This is where your life has bought you. )

Why did you keep watching, you ask me when I say these things? Well, it was well-made and engrossing. The animation was great, the pace was snappy, and Ai was instantly endearing. Plus everyone was talking about it endlessly on a discord I belong to, and they said after the first episodes the weirdness of the reincarnation angle becomes less important, the horny baby antics go away, and it becomes more of a straightforward murder mystery and a intriguing exploration of the entertainment industry.

And that’s pretty much true. The show goes out of the way to handwave Aqua’s past life by saying going through puberty and infantile amnesia means he now doesn’t know where he starts and the other dude begins anymore, and he essentially feels like a teenager.

Where Oshi no Ko is truly compelling is it’s exploration of the predatory entertainment industry and the twisted misogyny and parasociality of idol fandom.

It makes some basic, but very needed, points. It points out that fans who freak out over 'their' idols having a relationship and blame them for it are gross, and the industry that puts them in a box is gross. This is very basic stuff, but still underdiscussed in anime. A lot of anime pretend all is well for an idol since the anime industry itself makes bank off idols. So it was satisfying to see to see a character scream ‘You all fall in love with idols, it's selfish to say idols can't fall in love! You take out all your anger on women because you don't have a girlfriend!" at the endless twitter comments saying it was "expected" that Ai was killed for ‘betraying’ her fans. It's also clear the author did a lot of research on the entertainment industry and has a lot to share. A lot of what he has to share is really interesting, and I appreciate that in his interviews he wanted to make sure Americans understand that Japanese actors and idols don’t have unions and it leaves them open to even more exploitation.

(Even the bizarre premise of the anime is nod to a gross “joke” idol fans make- a lot of 2channers apparently joke about wanting to “be reborn” as their favorite idol’s child whenever there’s a marriage announcement. However, it feels like the premise is rooted a lot in shock value...)

At the same time, Oshi no Ko doesn’t really go as hard as people act like it does. It’s not Perfect Blue, and it pulls its punches. It still goes for easy answers sometimes, and what’s worse, easy answers that lionize its obnoxious protagonist. Never is this more apparent that the cyberbullying arc.

First, let’s be clear- the cyberbullying arc focuses on a reality show actor, a girl named Akane, being driven to attempt suicide after a bunch of internet detractors harass her over something she did on the show (that the producers pressured her into doing in the first place). However, Aqua saves her at the last minute.

Hana Kimura lost her life in a very similar incident just a few months before this arc in the manga was published and the author’s spoken about it on record. Hana was a pro-wrestler who was on the reality show Terrace House, and what happened to her is the same thing in broad strokes, only she didn’t get a convenient rescue. But nobody bothered to contact Hana’s family about any of this, so Hana’s mother was blindsided when she heard about it, and claims some of the hate messages in the anime are identical to the ones Hana received in real life. She pleaded that "Because it raises important issues, I would like to support a work like Oshi no Ko.  However, I don't think it needs to be done in a way that makes people  who have actually been victimized on social media suffer when they see it.”.

Oshi no Ko fans, having just watched an arc about the serious consequences of internet harassment, were of course respectful to the grieving mother of a harassment victim- nah, they harassed Hana’s mom for criticizing the show. Another example of the incredible media literacy of anime fans.

All of that was already not a great look for the manga and show, and I think the kind thing to do would have been to contact the family before telling this story. But even if that wasn’t a thing, I didn’t like how this arc was handled. After Akane is saved by Aqua, he leaks her attempted suicide to the press. Though there’s a mention that this unethical, he’s never really taken to task or confronted with the fact this violation of her privacy could have led to another (potentially successful!) suicide attempt. Then he talks to the director, reminds him that Akane is a teenager and adults should protect children, the director has a change of heart. Aqua's given permission to release footage of the cast being friends, the harassment dies down and Akane immediately gets better offscreen, because that’s how trauma and depression works!

God, ‘depression is NBD! You recover quickly!’ is one of my biggest fiction pet peeves. Considering how despicable the producers were to Hana IRL, the whole storyline wrapping up like this wasn't just sloppy and lazy, it was insulting.

Rather than explore with the actual messy fallout this would realistically have for Akane, it just had Aqua get to be the edgy savior who was In the Right even though his actions were horrible and could have had catastrophic consequences. Also the ‘adults should protect kids’ moral felt weak when Hana and many other entertainers who hurt themselves after being mistreated by fans and the industry were adults. Did they not deserve to be protected?

And I guess it sums up a lot of my problems with the show. It's painstakingly researched and talks about interesting stuff (though sometimes one character has to become an exposition machine just so we don't miss ANY of the author's research, which can feel awkward). It has some interesting and complex main female characters … but 3/4s of them have some romantic connection to Aqua, which grates. It’s more honest about the idol industry than most anime, but also sometimes pulls its punches when it comes to exploring actual mental illness and industry abuse.

'Aqua is the smartest and all the girls are sooo into him’ gets pretty annoying. Two girls are already in love with him, and even without the really unnecessary ‘was a pedophile in a past life’ baggage, he barely has a personality. Aaaand there’s how we have to listen to him muse about whether he was in love with his mom. Aaaand there's the looming threat that the next girl to fall in love with him will be his sister, since she muses she was in love with the doctor in her past life.

Once sis mentioned that, I started wondering if I should even come back to season 2. Leaning towards ‘no’ right now (definitely not if the manga really does…that). I don’t regret watching ONK- it was interesting, well animated and produced, and the theme song is a certified bop- but it’s also not something I could ever recommend to anyone. It’s the most fraught show I’ve watched in a long time, and in the end, I’m not sure all of its weird parts add up to a satisfying, truly subversive story.  It’s a mess, but time will tell if it’s an intriguing enough mess for me to come back to.

[sweet-star-cookie]

heyo! question time!

i've noticed that in older posts, cassie has family members and friends, can you tell me more? do they know about her thing with the zodiacs? what are their relationships like with her? do they try to help her with her zodiac shenanigans or do they mainly stay out of the way?

Yes indeed! I've been chipping away at updates for the other Earth characters in terms of art, but I have enough to give you the gist at least :)

Funnily enough, I had a feeling you might ask about Cassie's family at some point, so I'd started refining their current designs because it has been a while (I'm not done yet though so here's the halfway done art for now lol)

(and old art from 2020 that I never posted lmao) Here's their ages as well if you need them: Cassie - 14 Nora - 46 Andrew - 43 Demitri - 17

Generally speaking, Cassie's family is pretty tight knit and happy, a kind of stability that becomes more and more necessary as things start to get more intense with all the star stuff! It's important to remember that Cassie was born with her star eye, so on some level her family knew that something unusual was going to happen with it eventually, even if they didn't know what at the time. The details of it were still quite the surprise once they did find out, but they each had their own ways of preparing for it or otherwise expecting it beforehand. Like her friends, they do what they can to help her, even if they're not able to directly deal with the supernatural shenanigans themselves. In many cases though, they turn out to be more useful than even they realize! Nora The pragmatic and no-nonsense mom, in stark contrast to her family of quirky dreamer types. Nora's not without her own quirks though, and despite her low tolerance for the fantastical, that doesn't mean she denies its existence either. In fact, she pays close attention to any information that she's given, even if it seems like she's not paying attention at all. She's a lot less serious than you might think, and she'd absolutely commit to a bit she didn't understand if it made her children or husband happy. She's the more detail oriented thinker between her and Andrew, and helps Cassie look at the most important stuff when trying to work out a problem, even if she herself does not understand how it all works. Or at the very least, she's able to give the most practical advice, as her world-weary attitude doesn't come from nowhere. Nora has a business job, usually something involving project management, and has a personality that one would need to survive that kind of job. She works long hours and is almost always seen with a coffee in her hand, a byproduct of her insomnia. Though the control of her anger is carefully calculated at all times, Nora is a bit of a mama bear as well, and will quite literally punch your lights out if you try to hurt her family! Cassie's moments of dry snark or sarcasm come from her, and so does a lot of her confidence in defending herself when being talked down to.

As things escalate, Nora spends more time at home to make sure that somebody is there with Cassie as much as possible, even if she can't fight the spirits for her. She worries about Cassie's safety like any good mother would, but understands that her daughter's situation is inevitable and tries to instill confidence in her instead, trusting that Cassie can handle it.

Andrew A quirky dad with nerdy interests, which lends itself well to his job as a film studies professor at a community college. If Nora is the detail thinker, Andrew is the big picture dreamer, often thinking up fantastical reasons for things or otherwise enjoying the speculative side. He approaches life with great curiosity, for better or worse! He and Nora work well as a couple for this reason, as he is able to help Nora lighten up and have fun when she needs it, whereas Nora can pull him down from Cloud Nine every so often to think more practically.

He is endlessly optimistic and cheerful, and Cassie takes after him in this regard. He encouraged Cassie's years of speculating about what the Starglass was or what it was for, often doing his own speculating as well, and they bonded over the possibilities. He worries more openly about Cassie than Nora does, but is equally as proud when Cassie shows what she can do during a spirit encounter that he witnesses.

This is him holding Cassie for the first time and, notably, her eyes are still closed here. While he was always fascinated by the implications of her star eye, he always loved Cassie for her, not her eye. He calls her "Starshine" as a nickname.

Demitri (or Demi for short) Cassie's older brother, a fact that he uses often to (playfully) joke around at her expense like most older siblings do. Unlike most siblings, however, they get along quite well. He does much to look out for her, even if the ways he does this are more casual or subtle, like giving her rides or getting her a drink at the coffee shop. When Cassie and her friends start spirit hunting at night, he will often insist on tagging along to not only give them a ride there and back, but to also not let a trio of teenage girls go into a forest or cave on their own, regardless if they find a spirit at all.

He's a laid-back artist with an interest in video games, something he and Cassie play often. His art style is influenced by graffiti and street art, something that comes up during an encounter with Chamaeleon and her gang. Though he'd be largely useless in a fight, he will still drop everything to rescue Cassie if asked, feeling some sense of responsibility as her older sibling to protect her. When cornered, he'll usually try to joke his way out of something on instinct.

-------- And now here's some info about Cassie's friends :) (with more old art lol)

These two are Cassie's closest friends, having met each other when they were 8 and forming a trio since. Here's the three of them at that age as a bonus c':

Ellie The most cowardly of the three, but this does not prevent her from tagging along purely out of care for Cassie and Leena, even if it means she'll be screaming for most of it. Bubbly and innocent in demeanour, this causes some to underestimate her, thinking she's merely airheaded. Though she'd never be able to carry a sword like Cassie does, Ellie can still be surprisingly courageous when the chips are down, even if it's sporadically. She and her family work on a farm, and that knowledge comes in handy when placating the behaviour of some of the corrupted animal spirits. When they first met, Ellie and Cassie got along quickly by virtue of having similar personalities and interests, and Ellie didn't find Cassie's eye to be all that distracting.

Leena Normally an outcast and fairly quiet overall, but bitingly sarcastic when she isn't. She cares very little about the opinions of others, though this is largely as a shield against bullying than anything else, as her interest in anything morbid or creepy made it hard for her to make friends initially. A huge fan of all things supernatural, Leena was initially drawn to Cassie purely because of her star eye, but they quickly bonded over being outcasts, albeit for vastly different reasons. Leena is very much an opposite to both Cassie and Ellie when it comes to most things, but are on the same page for the stuff that matters, at least once they were able to navigate Leena's more unusual ways of showing affection.

Leena insists on tagging along for the spirit hunting purely for the sake of something actually interesting happening in their otherwise sleepy small town, though she does deeply care for her friends in secret. Prior to Cassie's training, she was the most physically adept of the three via her skills in martial arts.

Though ultimately harmless, her friends have learned not to question her evil laughter, as Leena always seems to be plotting something. Even if that something is nothing more than planning to scare Ellie, usually with a scary story. A lot of those stories become surprisingly relevant once the spirits start appearing on Earth, at least when it comes to the rumours of their town being haunted.

[letterstomymothershewontread]

Lover,

What is there to say that will truly express my emotions and feelings for you? I believe it was Jane Austen who said 'if I loved you less, I may be able to talk about it more.' and I believe that to be true. There just aren't the words to describe how I feel about you. To say I love you or I am in love you or to even say I love you endlessly wouldn't be accurate. Every part of me truly loves you for all you are, all you were and, all you are yet to be. I honestly don't know at what moment it was where I knew I loved you, I feel like I've always loved you. Like our souls were always destined to be together and that we've shared a love that has went through several life times.

This last two years specifically more than any other time I feel like you've shown me how much you love me. These have been the hardest two years I've ever lived through. Fuck 2020 and Covid-19, that was nothing compared to the pain I was yet to feel. When my sister and I got into the biggest fight we ever had and you were so supportive of me. I had never really felt that kind of support from anyone before and it was world shattering, in the best way possible. Of course you've shown how much you loved me prior to this and I knew you loved me. There's just something about when you're going through something tragic that really shows who's really there.

Shortly after I had the falling out with my sister I ended up cutting my mom out of my life. That was even harder. I felt like I had been going through life with blinders on. Only seeing the good parts that I wanted to see. You were there when the fog cleared and I was able to see my mother for all she is. She's not perfect and she never has been. She's a hurt child who grew up too quickly and had children when she was still a child herself. She has her own trauma she hasn't healed from and though I know she doesn't mean to, she still lets it determine her outlook on life. She's a hurt person and we know hurt people, hurt people. When I made the move to go no contact pretty cold turkey, I wanted to shut down. Frankly I wanted to lay down, give up, and just die.

I am lucky that you didn't let me just give up though. You have been there the whole way. You've held my hands while I learned to walk again and were the support when I felt like I could barely stand. I still struggle everyday with the small things but you're patient with me. You're understanding when we learn about a trigger I didn't know I had and it causes me to spiral. You've been kind to me when things cause me to have PTSD like flashbacks to my childhood. You listen to me when I paint you the picture of my trauma. You are kind to me. You respect me. You support me, but most importantly, you love me. You love me even though I am not this proud and confident person I present to the world. When I'm home and can be the fragile, soft, sad, and broken person, you still love me.

When I was writing in my journal before I started posting my letters on this blog I wrote about how you were my saving grace in lots of ways. I try to not be codependent because I hear it's not healthy so, I hope you know I don't mean to be so clingy and helpless at times. Sometimes it feels like I'm a child again and you're the person I feel safe with.

In my journal I wrote how I felt growing up. How I was labeled the 'problem child' before I was even a problem. My parents gave up on me before I even had the chance to try. They picked me up and threw me overboard and I don't know how to swim. So there I am, lost at sea trying to keep my head above water. Lucky to still be alive. That's when I was least expecting you to come sailing by. You help me and pull me from the ocean where I had be lost for so long. I had been drowning for so long with no one hearing my cries when all of a sudden this beautiful person rescues me.

You and I spoke all of once in high school. You were a 'quiet and straight girl' at the time and I was still trying to find the right label. I held the door for you and complemented what you were wearing before I continued down the hall to see my, at the time, boyfriend. I don't know what prompted me to get the door for you that day, it's not like I was walking out of the library or following you into the library. I mean technically it was out of my way more than anything. The only other interaction we ever had was once in our chorus class. Ironically at the time you were friends with my bully even though you never participated in bullying me. In fact I distinctly remember my best friend and I were sitting with out legs on one another, because it was comfortable, and your friend started to make fun of us. I shrugged it off because what does it matter I guess. That's when I hear you tell her to just leave us alone. I already had a small crush on you but that made my heart flutter. That was the extent of our interactions.

Several years later I'm working at McDonalds and I just so happened to be working the drive-thru one afternoon when, this cutie in an orange car with orange hair to match pulls up. Of course that cutie was you. You didn't exactly pull up close to the window, in fact you pulled very far away. I almost fell into your car as I exclaimed "I love your hair!" Little did I know that it wouldn't be long until I called you my girlfriend.

We met again when I started working at Walmart in 2018. I got a position in the same department you were in and we hit it off. Of course I won you over with my crazy good looks with my buzz cut and, my impeccable sense of humor. I mean who wouldn't fall for a bumbling idiot who just quotes vines all day. For real though, I don't know what I did to deserve you but I'm glad whatever it was I did it.

I'm certain that this isn't the only lifetime we've been together. I think that our souls have found one another through several different lives. You are my person in the past lives we shared, in this life, and in all the rest to come. I can't wait to spend the rest of this life with you. Thank you for being so kind to this sad and broken person. You're my baby. I love you. <3

-Forever faithfully yours <3

[isfjmel-phleg]

I started to put this in the notes but realized how long it was going to get.

First of all, that's a brilliant title, playing with the multiple meanings of the verb. She will get to the point of ???% (her own limit) but also get THROUGH to ???% (her son's other side).

"She locks the big things away like an adult, only letting them out a little bit at a time so she doesn't explode." So she and Mob have matching coping mechanisms! Unfortunately for both of them.

She wants to help him! But she feels helpless against his powers and so she just…withdraws.

"All they can do really is keep loving him, feeding him, and making sure he gets to bed on time." And they do love him! But they are nonetheless emotionally neglecting him--not intentionally, not with any malice, but the Kageyamas just don't have a reference base for healthily handling emotions. So how can they help their children with something they cannot achieve themselves?

And furthermore she is bound by convention--she wants to talk to Shigeo about his feelings, but she lives in a culture that values raising very independent children (not a bad thing! just overdone in this aspect) and she's told she shouldn't lest she ruin him.

So mother and son hide their emotions from each other and no one gets what they really need.

There's a slight tinge of jealousy that Ritsu can get through to Shigeo where she cannot, but she can't acknowledge this to herself either.

(Sometimes when I talk with my mom about something that makes me angry or hurt or whatever, the only advice she'll give me is something like "I just wouldn't let it bother me," like you can just shut off your big ugly shameful feelings that nobody wants like a faucet, and that's exactly what Mrs. Kageyama is doing in her internal monologue.)

(actually I'm recognizing a lot of coping mechanisms here from my own family experiences and that's kind of scary)

"And then she forgot it again whenever she thought of it. Forcefully." owwwww

Ritsu is clearly traumatized by the events surrounding his head injury, but the doctor (and his mother) prefer to focus on the fact that he "was a model patient," and that's pretty emblematic of how Ritsu's problems are treated. As long as he's being a Model Son / Brother / Student / Everything, there's no way he could be struggling with anything! He's the Designated No Problems Child! It's his job to be no trouble to anybody ever to make up for the fact that his brother is a perpetual source of worry.

She can see ???%! She can see him because she has the same exact thing going on internally!

Except what she's repressing is the urge to emotionally connect, to be vulnerable with her son and receive the same from him.

The parenting advice that she has been exposed to assumes that children will work out their own differences among themselves without help, which further assumes that they have somehow already been equipped for conflict resolution. But Shigeo and Ritsu live in a household where you ignore problems instead of addressing them, so they're just doing what they've been indirectly taught. Working with the only coping mechanism they've got. And the cycle repeats endlessly.

"Her shadow self and Shigeo's shadow self are similar, she thinks--they're too much for the dinner table. The dinner table is a place of relaxation. Never, never does any Kageyama disturb the sacred peace of the relaxed atmosphere of the dinner table." But the dinner table is also the one part of the day that the whole family is together, which gives them an opportunity for serious conversation if they could take it--but they won't.

"It's as if Ristu doesn't realize that his parents watch their sons closely, knowing they're going through things that they can't help with because they're just normal parents and you have to let your children work things out on their own." So the parents are screaming out for a chance to help and the children are screaming out for a chance to be helped, but convention is stepping between them and holding a hand over their mouths on each side.

Like Shigeo, she is so entrenched in repressing emotions that she can't even publicly acknowledge the positive ones either. Easier to seem mildly annoyed at having two sons with powers now than to express her relief that the boys have resolved the tension.

Ohhh, and she has no idea what has happened to Shigeo when he comes home after the Mogami incident, and it would crush her if she did find out.

"They're taking care of each other, better than their parents can, some ways." someone help this family

I appreciate the interpretation that the parents really do know more about what's going on (although of course they are missing a lot of important things) than they're letting on because they are choosing to stay out of the chaos. It makes sense.

"They are at peace with the fact that they are background characters in their sons' lives." A family of Mobs.

"It's guilt. It's shame. It's a habit. It's more comfortable to stagnate." As we've established, she and Mob have matching coping mechanisms. And this is a Nine approach as it gets.

(I like the characterization angle you're taking of establishing similarity between her and Shigeo, and maybe implying that Ritsu tends to take more after his father.)

In the show, all we get of Mrs. Kageyama in the scene in which Mob calls Mrs. Takane to ask to speak to Tsubomi is that she overhears him doing it and has a brief reaction. Here, we get some insight into her reaction!

Her heartbreak as she realizes what's going on when the earthquakes hit and her guilt and powerlessness...painful.

Cathartic Shigeo + parents hug and weeping! Much needed.

There are so many characters who are such an important part of Mob's life and his parents have no idea who they are.

"Shigeo comes home that night so exhausted that he falls asleep at the table." I can picture this as well as if they'd animated it.

"Suddenly reaching her limit, Mrs. Kageyama throws out all the parenting advice she's ever head and just...tells the truth." !!!!

"He waits like his mother is about to reveal the secrets of the universe, and in a way, she supposes, she is." Beautiful.

This entire final scene is so poignant it's hard to be coherent about it. "I thought it was just me in the dark." My heart!

Thank you for writing this. I have tremendous respect for how you took a character whose canonical role is so minor, so underdeveloped, and filled in those blanks to create someone so sympathetic. This family's situation is of course nothing that could happen in the real world, and yet the dynamics are very, very real, and that's what makes it work. It's beautiful. I'm glad you wrote it.

Mrs. Kageyama Reaches ???%

People have different sides to them. Mrs. Kageyama is fine with that. She knew getting into motherhood that her kids would bring some things to their parents, and other things, they’d want to deal with on their own. That’s fine. That’s what people do!

She, for instance, worries over her kids out loud, in front of them, but only about the little things. Bumps and scrapes. Bent spoons, dropped dishes. Not the big things. She locks the big things away like an adult, only letting them out a little bit at a time so she doesn’t explode. She whispers to her husband in the dark when the kids won’t overhear them: are there any psychics in your family? Do you think your parents would know anything about how to help Shige?

As far as either Kageyama parent can tell, there aren’t any psychics in their extended families at all. Shigeo Kageyama was the first person out of the ordinary in both entire bloodlines, all the way back to the farmers (on Mrs. Kageyama’s side) and fishermen (on Mr. Kageyama’s side) who started keeping records of their family lines. And oh, it worries Mrs. Kageyama that she doesn’t know how to connect with that side of him.

There’s nothing she can do. Shigeo floats in the air as a baby, and Mr. Kageyama pulls him down like a balloon, but he floats right back up again, and there’s nothing Mrs. Kageyama can do but wait until her baby gets hungry and comes down to her again.

As a toddler, Shigeo talks to things Mrs. Kageyama couldn’t see. He repeats swear words she couldn’t hear the spirits teaching him. Actually, in that case, there is something she could do; one conversation later, Shigeo understands some social niceties he didn’t know about before.

But she can’t help with the root problem of the spirits who teach him words that he shouldn’t know. She wishes she was a psychic, too, not because it seems like fun—it certainly doesn’t, not to her—but because at least she would know what her son was dealing with.

But it isn’t that big of a deal, probably. Shige manages fine. He floats potato chips around to make Ritsu laugh and levitates all the small objects around him when he cries. It’s just another side of him. Shigeo is clearly bothered when other kids think he’s weird, but the Kageyamas let him deal with that by himself. All they can do, really, is keep loving him, feeding him, and making sure he gets to bed on time. The rest will sort itself out. Some things just wouldn’t be helped by parents getting involved.

Shigeo gets quieter as he got older. He still smiles and plays, but he doesn’t laugh out loud as much. He got self-conscious, Mrs. Kageyama thinks, because of those other little kids. Part of Mrs. Kageyama wishes she could talk to him about it, but that’s not how these things are done. Even if she tried to coax Shigeo’s hidden hurt feelings out into the open, all the parenting advice says that that would just stop him from developing the strength to deal with it on his own. And besides, real adults don’t make their children deal with their parents’ emotions.

So she hides that side of herself away. She whispers to her dear husband late at night, what if Shigeo is actually being bullied? What’s the point where we should step in?

He doesn’t know. He says, I think the boy is doing fine for now. Let’s let him socialize by himself for a while. She agrees. They let him socialize by himself. Sometimes he comes home from the park muted and weary, but he usually perks up once he’s eaten dinner, and Ritsu never fails to get a smile out of Shige.

Ritsu can connect with that side of Shigeo that Mrs. Kageyama can’t. His delight in his brother’s powers makes Shigeo smile where Mrs. Kageyama’s loving concern would just be smothering. So that’s all right. Different people can help with different needs.

Shige and Ritsu are good kids. They’re good kids, and they love each other, and they love their parents. But there are things they don’t come to their parents for. And that’s natural.

One New Year’s Day, Mrs. Kageyama got a call from a concerned neighbor and rushed to her sons. She found Shigeo standing stunned, blank-eyed, a few feet away from Ritsu, who was bleeding heavily from a head wound. Head wounds bleed a lot, she was informed by the doctors who stitched Ritsu’s precious little head up. That’s normal.

There was more blood on the ground than what could be explained by Ritsu’s head. Since she didn’t have to do anything about it, Mrs. Kageyama allowed herself to forget that fact. And then she forgot it again whenever she thought of it. Forcefully.

Ritsu didn’t explain what happened. He just went along with his mother and the doctors in a stunned, disbelieving kind of silence. He was a model patient, the doctors said.

Alarmingly, Shigeo didn’t explain what happened, either.

Mrs. Kageyama scrubbed the blood off his face in the hospital bathroom, and he didn’t resist at all. His hair didn’t rise up off his forehead in discomfort, and nothing floated, not even the water from the sink.

She squinted at him. Something was strange about him. Looking into his cast-down eyes, she could almost see something behind Shigeo’s blank expression. Something…

Something…

“Shige…?”

Shigeo made dull eye contact, and for a moment she saw with perfect clarity a boy behind his eyes, a boy with white eyes, screaming.

And then she un-saw it. Forcefully.

After all, there was nothing she could do; everyone has different sides to them, and that’s normal. Not everyone can deal with all the sides of everyone else.

After that, something is different in the Kageyama household. It feels almost like the boys had hit puberty early. Mrs. Kageyama heard from other mothers and parenting books about teenagers, how difficult they were, almost like they became different people overnight. It’s like that with Shigeo and Ritsu, only they’re still baby-faced little boys, not teenagers at all.

The tendency Shigeo always had to turn into a muted shadow of himself after a particularly hard day becomes the norm. He’s quiet. Too quiet. He’s calm. Too calm. He doesn’t laugh at all anymore. It becomes hard to remember that Shigeo was ever genuinely, visibly happy. His smiles at dinner are muted, his eyes always tired, even when he’s thanking Ritsu for unbending his spoons.

He doesn’t use his powers anymore. Not on purpose, anyway.

It hurts the side of Mrs. Kageyama that she has hidden away, the side that wants to stare deep into Shigeo’s eyes and talk to him honestly, to show him her overpowering concern for the part of himself that Shigeo doesn’t come to her for help with.

It’s not like he’s a teenage delinquent or anything, though. He’s perfectly polite. In some ways, he’s exactly the same as before. He still returns from school tired and distant but cheers up at the dinner table, even though his expressions are subtler, nowadays.

But unlike before, Ritsu can’t cheer Shigeo up.

It’s similar with Ritsu: it’s impossible to explain to other mothers how he’s changed. He’s still a model child. He’s still cheerful and helpful and nice. He just…

Sometimes Mrs. Kageyama hears him crying at night. Sometimes she catches sight of him staring at objects with such a fierce expression that she knows instantly what he’s trying to do.

The parenting advice doesn’t cover what you do when one of your children hurt the other one but both of them refuse to acknowledge that anything is wrong. The parenting advice says that if your children are angry at each other, you should give them some advice but mostly let them work it out on their own. But what if they don’t work it out? What if they never even try? There’s nothing to say.

Their family name, Kageyama, begins to seem like a cruel joke. Kage, the shadow side, the other self, the dark half; yama, mountain, something huge and powerful. Mr. Kageyama is the one who points that out, late at night, whispering to his wife. He asks, do you think we’re cursed? Our family?

She lies, No, I think we’re fine. This is pretty normal, I think. People have different sides to them.

He thinks that over. I think you’re right. This is just… like puberty.

Now that the boys are middle schoolers, “puberty” becomes an excellent excuse to explain why the boys don’t share their other sides with their parents or each other. Everyone in the household embraces the excuse with relief.

Ritsu gets good grades. Excellent grades. He’s diligent. Too diligent. He’s a perfect son and brother. Too perfect. Everyone accepts it.

It’s been years since the New Years incident, and Ritsu and Mob—Shigeo goes by Mob at school, Mrs. Kageyama learns from his homeroom teacher—still treat each other with polite respect and no genuineness.

And—Mob? Mob? It’s a name of no identity. Mrs. Kageyama finds that nickname more and more saddening as her son’s other side drifts further and further out of reach. She calls him Shige at the dinner table and he smiles. There’s a shadow self behind his eyes, just as there’s a shadow self behind Mrs. Kageyama’s eyes.

But, after all, people have different sides to them, and that’s only natural. It used to be Ritsu who could make Shigeo happy about his powers, who could touch that side of him that Mrs. Kageyama cannot. Now, there’s someone else in her son’s life who does that: one Reigen Arataka. Her son’s after-school part-time employer and master in the psychic arts.

Shigeo doesn’t show his psychic powers to his parents, not on purpose, anyway, but she’s so, so glad he has somewhere to go to use that part of him. He’s hard to read, but Mrs. Kageyama thinks he gets something really good out of those after-school consultation hours. He often comes home thoughtful, or happier, his shoulders a little lighter, the shadow self behind his eyes not so noticeably unhappy.

She’s happy Reigen Arataka is in her son’s life.

It’s a tremendous relief when Shigeo begins to blossom in middle school. He joins a club. A club! It’s amazing!

Of all things, he chose the Body Improvement Club, which baffles Mrs. Kageyama. Shige has never been… athletic. But she’s not complaining. She’s happy for him. She nearly gasps out loud, one night, when Shigeo tentatively refers to some girl associated with (but not part of?) the Body Improvement Club, Tome Kurata, as his friend.

She nearly gasps out loud, but not quite. She hides her true excitement in that other side of herself. Her shadow self and Shigeo’s shadow self are similar, she thinks—they’re too much for the dinner table. The dinner table is a place of relaxation. Never, never does any Kageyama disturb the sacred peace of the relaxed atmosphere of the dinner table.

Which is why it’s so strange when Ritsu starts acting up and declines to eat dinner with the family.

Something is going on with Ritsu. There’s another side to him, too, but it’s locked away where Mrs. Kageyama can barely even see it. Sometimes, she forgets it’s even there. She’s ashamed of that, but there it is: Shigeo’s troubles are so much more obvious and clear-cut than Ritsu’s that… well… anyway, it becomes obvious that something is going on with Ritsu.

His grins are sharp, his eyes deadly, mannerisms completely changed. It’s as if he doesn’t realize that Mr. and Mrs. Kageyama know him. It’s as if Ritsu doesn’t realize that his parents watch both their sons closely, knowing they’re going through things that they can’t help with because they’re just normal parents and you have to let your children work things out on their own.

Mrs. Kageyama begins to wonder if Ritsu is going to confront Shigeo, finally, with the way Ritsu looks at his brother, eyes venomous. She hopes nothing bad happens. So does her husband.

But then something good happens. Something involving Reigen Arataka and psychic powers, if Mrs. Kageyama had to bet. Shigeo and Ritsu miss dinner. They come home late at night, and in the darkness, straining her ears, tense all over so that she doesn’t make a sound and scare her sons off, she hears Ritsu and Shige stopping in the hall. She hears Ritsu say goodnight, Nii-san, and Shigeo answer, mm. goodnight, Ritsu. And then—amazingly—there’s a cloth-muffled thump that might have been someone clapping someone else on the shoulder, and a quiet, happy huff that can’t have been anyone but Ritsu.

Shige doesn’t touch Ritsu. He never touches Ritsu anymore.

And yet—!

Maybe kids do work things out on their own.

After the boys’ doors close, Mr. Kageyama shifts and hugs Mrs. Kageyama tight in sheer relief. She hugs him back, fiercely, silently, choked up. She’s close to tears.

The next day, Ritsu…. Ritsu has powers. He doesn’t show them off in front of his parents, but Shigeo accidentally bends a spoon at dinner, and while Mrs. Kageyama is scolding him and arguing with Mr. Kageyama in their well-worn, comfortable ritual, Ritsu takes the spoon and just looks at it, and it unbends with a happy little flourish.

Mrs. Kageyama is so happy she could cry, and probably will cry, later, actually, when the boys aren’t around to catch her. At the dinner table, she just lets those feelings slide into her other self and grumbles, “What’s with these kids?” to make them smile.

“Here, Nii-san,” Ritsu says.

“Thanks, Ritsu,” Shigeo says, accepting the spoon. And he smiles.

Shigeo continues to change. He comes out of his shell, little by little. Ritsu gets happier, seeming younger every day. Shigeo’s friends become a bigger part of his life. He starts leaving the house not only for Reigen Arataka but for his friends, not just for the club activities, either, but for karaoke, to go out for ramen, and just to hang out.

More psychic incidents happen. The Kageyama parents can’t help with that, but they can make dinner. They can tease Shige and Ritsu about their powers. They can watch, knowing something is wrong but not pressing Shigeo on it, when he comes home from a job one day with something deep and thoughtful in his eyes. Shigeo starts drinking water instead of milk for a few days. He flinches at the sound of crows and shies away when people move too fast. Mrs. Kageyama is torn in half with the desire to ask him about it, but she doesn’t. Shigeo deals with it on his own.

Shigeo temporarily quits working with Reigen Arataka, and the Kageyamas provide a no-questions-asked, relaxed atmosphere for Shigeo to come home to. It seems to help. They see Shigeo playing video games with Ritsu and they know that Shigeo and Ritsu are going to be fine. They’re taking care of each other, better than their parents can, in some ways. Kids are resilient. Their kids are resilient. They’re so proud of them. They don’t tell them how much they know.

They cheer for Shigeo at the school marathon with all their hearts, even though the sight of him with a skinned knee gives Mrs. Kageyama a jolt of pure terror. Well, he seems to have it under control now. He doesn’t even see them as he keeps running. He’s so big.

When Ritsu opens the door to a red-headed and clearly psychic “friend of his” they’ve never heard of before and looks at them with terror in his eyes, they pretend to believe him when he asks them to leave for a spur-of-the-moment onsen trip.

Maybe it’s selfish. Mrs. Kageyama asks her husband that as they eat dinner that night, pleasantly boiled-feeling from the hot water. “Do you think it’s selfish, leaving them to deal with their psychic problems on their own?”

“Oh, they’ll be okay,” Mr. Kageyama says. “We couldn’t do anything to help them anyway. I mean, look at that!”

He points at the television, where the news is going over the psychic terrorist attack in Seasoning City yet again, with not much more information than last time. There’s live footage of police cars floating in the air.

“After all—”

The TV frizzles and fills with static. Mr. Kageyama laughs a short, helpless little laugh.

“I get it,” Mrs. Kageyama sighs. “I just worry about those boys.”

The honest side of herself writhes in pain at the understatement, but she keeps it down.

“It’s all right as long as they’re together. Shigeo will have it handled,” Mr. Kageyama says. “He’d never let Ritsu get hurt.”

There’s a moment of uncomfortable silence. In each other’s eyes, Mr. and Mrs. Kageyama see Ritsu bleeding and Shigeo with blood spattered on his face.

“That’s true,” Mrs. Kageyama says, hoping it’s true. “They’re very capable kids now.”

When Mr. and Mrs. Kageyama return home, their house has been replaced with an almost identical house. They burst into muffled laughter together in their room, covering their mouths. The pattern of the floorboards in the hall is different. How—how?

They don’t tell Shigeo and Ritsu how much they know.

Everyone has different sides to them. The Kageyama parents are at peace with this. They are at peace with the fact that they are background characters in their sons’ lives. The four Kageyamas show each other a gentle, relaxed side of themselves. It’s a sorely needed safe haven for all of them.

They could keep this up forever. Mrs. and Mr. Kageyama giggle with each other sometimes at night about how Ritsu probably won’t know they knew he was having delusions of grandeur until they’re old and gray, and maybe not even then.

Everything is alright. Still, Mrs. Kageyama sometimes misses Shigeo as a carefree little boy. Still, her shadow self yearns to connect with his.

There’s a specific kind of loneliness she thinks she shares with her older son, something not quite shared by Ritsu or her husband, although they have their own versions. She sees Ritsu use his powers to open drawers and float his school bag over, and she sees Shigeo walk across the room to get his bag, and she thinks: Shige is still stuck in his head. But she doesn’t say anything.

It’s not because of the parenting advice anymore, and it’s not because she’s worried about stunting his personal development. Shigeo is a strong person. He’s been a strong person for a long time. It’s because it’s a habit, and every time Mrs. Kageyama thinks of cornering Shigeo and just… asking him, Shige, can we talk about your powers?, she remembers that she doesn’t have powers, and how can she dare to try to connect with that side of him now, when she hasn’t really tried to do that for Shigeo’s entire life?

It’s guilt. It’s shame. It’s a habit. It’s more comfortable to stagnate.

Kids work things out on their own, right?

Besides, Shigeo isn’t repressing his emotions so much anymore, just his powers. For instance, she heard him calling Mrs. Takane, the mother of one of Mob’s childhood friends. He’s going to talk to his childhood friend again! Mrs. Kageyama is curious what he might talk to Tsubomi-chan about. Is it possible that he might finally be processing the minor bullying that used to bother him so much? But that’s probably just overthinking on her part. Shigeo doesn’t talk about it around his parents, but she’s pretty sure he used to have a crush on Tsubomi-chan, and he might still have a crush on her. Adorable. He’s growing up so fast.

When the earthquakes hit, they hit her right in the guilty conscience.

It’s Shigeo. She knows it’s him. She never really had motherly instincts, but this isn’t a motherly instinct. This is her shadow self recognizing his shadow self, which is so much like hers. The boy with white eyes, screaming. She understands what he’s doing. He’s letting out all of the destructive guilt and shame and fear and rage at himself and everything else that Mrs. Kageyama has been seeing behind his eyes for years and years.

It’s Shigeo’s shadow self, and maybe if Mrs. Kageyama had managed to be brave for once in her life and talk to him about powers, secrets, and emotions, this wouldn’t be happening.

She stares at her phone, where a grainy photo of her oldest son blurs in her vision, and she feels the sob rise in her throat and the tear drip onto the phone, obscuring the bouquet in his hand, as if someone else was doing it.

She doesn’t go out to look for him. She doesn’t have powers. She’d get killed.

It’s Reigen Arataka who brings her son home—Reigen Arataka, who she’s only met once or twice before. He’s uncharacteristically disheveled and red-eyed with crying, and his head is bleeding. Shige did that to him—it’s obvious. Shige has clearly also been crying. He looks up at his mother and father, sniffs bravely, and starts crying again.

Mrs. Kageyama kneels and hugs Shige tight. Mr. Kageyama’s arms close around her and Shigeo, encircling them, and she starts crying again.

The government gets involved, in the form of a bored-looking bald man with a strange cigarette who shows up in a helicopter. He jumps down to ground level, interrupting the crying Kageyama family and the awkwardly standing by Reigen Arataka, and says to Shigeo, “Long time no see.”

Mrs. Kageyama does not like the implication that Shigeo has met this man before.

Shigeo pushes his parents’ arms away, gently but firmly, and steps up to meet the man. He says, “I’m sorry. I’d like to help.”

“Sure, sure,” the government man says dismissively. “Might take a while to rebuild the city, but I can pretty much guarantee no one’s going to mess with you. No one died, so…” he gestures lazily with his cigarette. “This kind of thing happens every once in a while with kid espers. Just thought you might like to know.”

The government man doesn’t spare even a glance for Shigeo’s parents. They don’t ask him anything. It’s like introducing themselves might shatter the illusion of good news and make the man shout, “Gotcha! Your son is going to esper jail right now!”

The government man returns to the helicopter and lifts off. And then it’s just Shigeo, standing awkwardly on the street and not quite making eye contact with his parents, and the voice of Reigen Arataka on the phone summoning other psychics, and a man with an umbrella, “Mob”’s coworker, apparently, arriving and nervously spiriting Shigeo away to meet up with some other psychics, including the one who apparently recreated the Kageyama’s house that one time.

So they don’t address the incident immediately. Shigeo comes home that night so exhausted that he falls asleep at the table. Ritsu looks more awake, but also so dreamily happy that his parents just… don’t ask him any questions. They don’t want to disturb that happiness.

The next day, they don’t address it again. Shigeo is a heavy sleeper. He wakes up slowly, brushes his teeth, and sets off for school, which didn’t get destroyed during his shadow self’s meltdown, probably for the same reason that their house went practically untouched, though shaken, among the earthquakes. Shige doesn’t come home until very late again, and when Mrs. Kageyama gives him a bento box to eat before bed, he just says thank you. To her tentative question—were you helping with the city today, Shige?—he gives an exhausted, affirming “mm.”

He’s tired. She lets him wobble off to bed.

It doesn’t actually take very long for the city to be healed. Shige stops being tired all the time right away after his bedtime gets back to normal. He’s livelier than Mrs. Kageyama has seen him in years—smiling, joking with Ritsu, arguing with him sometimes, sulking when he feels like it. He laughs again.

He’s so different. But he’s still Shigeo. And he still has something behind his eyes. At dinner, when their eyes meet, Mrs. Kageyama’s shadow self reaches out to her son’s shadow self, still.

Which is a strange sensation, because Shigeo isn’t repressing his emotions anymore, or his powers, either. But there’s still something there, something or someone existing in reserve behind his eyes. She second-guesses herself about it at first, particularly when Mob laughs or scowls or displays his powers and emotions like he’s never thought twice about it. He seems so… whole. It’s not a child made of shadows anymore. But in other moments—when he’s watching Ritsu or when he doesn’t have much to say, when he hesitates, when he has a forgetful spell—Mrs. Kageyama is sure she sees it. Another presence within her son.

Call it motherly instincts or call it Mrs. Kageyama’s shadow self resonating with her son’s shadow self—either way, she knows. Shigeo Kageyama is still hiding another side within himself, even though that other side is happier now.

So one day, a few months after the incident, once she’s sure Shigeo is really stable like this… Mrs. Kageyama catches Shigeo before school and asks him to come home and have a talk with her after school.

He looks surprised, then nervous, then pleased.

“Yes, mom,” he says. And that’s that.

Talking to a teenager is easier than they said! That’s Mrs. Kageyama’s first, indignant thought. And then right on the heels of that thought comes what am I getting myself into?!

After school, Shigeo comes right home. Mr. Kageyama will stay at work for a while, and Ritsu has student council today; it’s the perfect time. Mrs. Kageyama sits down with her son and finds herself at a loss, not knowing exactly what to say.

Shigeo waits, watching her seriously.

“Shige,” she says, and feels her shadow self rise up in her, telling her to just break down and cry. Her voice wobbles as she tries again. “Shige, I want to tell you something. I think you’re old enough…”

Mortified alarm flashes across Shigeo’s face. Oh no! She waves her hands, trying to erase what he’s thinking.

“About your psychic powers,” she says hastily.

He looks relieved for a split second, and then his eyes widen. His hair rises up off his forehead, and she hears a slosh as something happens to the water in the sink. He’s scared? Of all things, she had not expected Shigeo to be frightened of talking about his powers. She expected him to be irritated and dismissive, like the parenting advice says that teenagers always are. The parenting advice was wrong. Again.

Suddenly reaching her limit, Mrs. Kageyama throws out all the parenting advice she’s ever heard and just… tells the truth.

“Or, ah, not about psychic powers exactly. About… Shige, I think something runs in our family, and it’s not powers, but I think you and I share it.”

Shige’s eyes grow impossibly wider. He waits like his mother is about to reveal the secrets of the universe, and in a way, she supposes, she is.

“Tell me if I’m wrong,” she says carefully. “But you have more than one “self”, don’t you?”

He opens his mouth, and nothing comes out.

Nothing at all.

Mrs. Kageyama says, “You split yourself in half, back then… I saw it happen. I’m sorry, but I didn’t know how to help, because I… I didn’t know what to do about my shadow self, either.”

“Your shadow self, mom?”

His voice is quiet, so quiet. Mrs. Kageyama nods, feeling her shadow self sob and writhe in her head. It’s an unsightly thing. It’s so possessive, so emotional. She can’t let it do whatever it wants. That would hurt her children, and she loves her children, so, so much. She would never hurt them.

“I kept it quiet because I thought…” she takes a sharp breath. “It’s too much, and I wanted to keep you and Ritsu… comfortable. Parents can’t ask their children to carry their worries.”

“What do you mean?” Shigeo asks. He sounds so young, and so hurt.

“I never asked you what it was like to have powers,” she blurts out, and the wave of guilt that follows is tremendous, but so is the relief. “I’m so sorry. I let you deal with everything on your own. I didn’t realize…”

Shigeo’s lips are trembling. He says, “Mom, you have a shadow self too?”

“You’re just like me,” she says, and how, how did she never know that honesty could feel so good, even when it's also excruciating? Like a cold drink after a long, hot day. “I knew you were just like me, and I didn’t tell you. I thought you could deal with it on your own. I’m so sorry, Shige.”

“Mom,” he says, and starts crying.

To hell with parenting advice. To hell with keeping her shadow self from shattering the relaxed facade of the Kageyama household. Shigeo deserves better.

Mrs. Kageyama stumbles out of her kneeling posture and grabs her son and holds him close.

“Shige,” she says into his hair. “Shige. Shige.”

“I thought it was just me,” Shigeo gasps. “I thought it was just me in the dark.”

And, with a start, she realizes why his shadow self is different now. They switched places, didn’t they? The Shigeo she’s talking to right now is the one her shadow self used to stare at longingly across the dinner table.

“So you’re that one,” she says, with all the shaky, weepy tenderness she's been repressing for years. “Hello. I’m so pleased to finally meet you.”

Shige sobs. Everything in the room is floating. She could cry. She does.

Then Shigeo pushes himself out of the hug and looks at his mother, trembling but clearly happy and calm in a way she’s rarely ever seen him, even when he was young.

“You're wrong,” he says. “I am myself. I accepted both parts.”

“So you’re—” Mrs. Kageyama stops, thinking that over. Does it not matter anymore, to Shigeo? Which “self” is which?

Could it not matter to her, either, someday?

Tentatively, she lets more of herself out.

“I’m so sorry, Shige. I listened to the wrong advice. I should be the one helping you figure this out, not the other way around.”

Shigeo looks her in the eye. He says, “Adults can change too. It’s not too late.”

She looks back, and in his eyes she sees both of him, and she knows that now he sees both of her too. And she is not afraid to show him.

Not anymore.

[eccentric-nucleus]

so back in the day i read HPMOR, right? like many people. and as it went on (& yudkowsky kept talking about his writing process on tumblr) it became more and more clear that this was fiction approached from an angle i had never really considered before. i had been vaguely aware of places like the spacebattles forum or the dark lord potter forum, where apparently people wrote stories that were mostly just a long-form way to debate "would the USS Enterprise win against a star trek star destroyer", or whatever. yudkowsky kept saying wild things like "the point of this scene is to vicariously enjoy somebody solving a problem" or "all characters should always do smart things so the reader doesn't get frustrated with them" or "i wanted to add a short arc where this character doesn't instantly solve all his problems but i was worried it would alienate the reader". (see also.) just like, expressing this conceptualization that the point of fiction was to... write a character stomping through a little fake world going from victory to victory so that the reader could enjoy the vicarious glow of having a hard problem presented to them and then immediately resolved. how smart you are for following the line of thought of the main character, who did this smart thing!!

so that was very weird, but it was mostly a singular kind of weirdness. another weird, out-of-touch artifact from the rationalists, like roko's basilisk but harry potter fanfiction instead.

anyway a while back i stumbled across "Mother of Learning", and i think my initial response to it was 'this is less a story with a plot and more a series of obstacles that are presented to the main character to be sequentially overcome'. there was a furry webcomic years ago that was a calvin & hobbes knockoff -- small child, stuffed animal companion who became alive when they were alone, whimsy, etc -- only where calvin & hobbes left the premise unstated, this comic, roughly 30 strips in, had a whole plot explaining: okay so these are a special kind of magical creature that bonds with children. in this metaphor susie's mr. bun is also a magical creature. eventually they start going on adventures together. my overall thought was like, oh i guess i was assuming this was a narrative framing device structured around the themes of the work, but actually this was all meant to be fully diagetic and fully explained as part of the work's "worldbuilding".

anyway mother of learning is like that but for groundhog day. the time loop isn't an unexplained device used to inspect a character through a lens, it's a dragon ball-style training chamber. there are "plot developments" as more information is revealed, but all of that takes a back seat to extensively and exhaustively describing every ability and technique that the main character learns and how they use them to be more powerful. mother of learning is 800,000 words long. the time loop is because they're actually duplicates of the 'real people', in a pocket universe constructed inside of an eldrich monstrosity that was designed to be used every x years by some kind of fated hero to keep it sealed. the main character has to escape partly to make sure some evil cultists don't unseal some stuff, but mostly so he doesn't lose all his experience gains.

anyway so reading that brought me to royal road. (i've always found the name very funny since my main familiarity with the term is the phrase "there is no royal road to geometry - euclid", aka there is no shortcut to learning something; you always have to put in the hard struggle of comprehension. it's actually named after... something from a light novel or something? it used to be a fan forum for a specific work before branching out into a publishing platform.) anyway it's a place to post stuff, like fanfiction.net or fictionpress or whatever. there is a strong genre constraint: they mostly want to hear about their protagonists getting endlessly more and more powerful, and sometimes collecting a harem of sexy women. it's for that kind of fiction. reading a few stories there was very illuminating, in that finally i could place HPMOR in a genre: that of the 'progression fantasy', a profoundly self-indulgent and formulaic genre that's mostly just an action story with a lot of the bits stripped away so they can describe how much more powerful the protagonist is getting. a subgenre of this is the 'litrpg', which are stories with a diagetic video-game-mechanics layer. people are checking their stats and getting experience from killing monsters and leveling up and all that. a lot of them read like text LPs of videogames that don't exist. where the author is, of course, executing a min-maxed run.

(there's a lot of overlap here between progression fantasies and like, xianxia stories? cultivation stories are generally all progression fantasies, and so there's a lot of overlap thematically.)

anyway so that was kind of a grim awareness of a dark corner of the literary world. this stuff is popular. royal road is pretty aggressively farmed by publishers wanting to license stuff so they can make ebooks or w/e; there are author patreons there that make like, thousands of dollars a month for writing chapter 1394 of "my character with a cool spear levels up more". i've read a bunch of progression fantasies but i wouldn't say i really enjoyed any of them, partly because a lot of them are really bad at like... constructing a narrative with any kind of stakes. it's all gonna be jettisoned away in favor of talking more about level ups. it is actually almost exactly the experience of grinding for levels in an RPG: it's not really fun, but it can be engaging in the moment, and also you get to see a number go up, so that's like a reward.

(i started writing one of my own as a writing exercise b/c i wanted to try some short-paced serial work that wasn't porn, and it shot up to uh #40 top-rated on the entire site. it was in the top 10 for a few days. i have some complicated feelings about that.)

recently, i've been reading a lot of, uh, gay incest teenage mutant ninja turtles fanfiction. a lot of it is incredibly overwrought. 200k words of characters pining guiltily over each other! soap opera antics with miscommunications and secrets! genre cliches piled up in a big heap and remixed! and like, fanfic as a genre can be real formulaic too, right? a lot of people who read&write fanfic don't read much else, and there's absolutely a 'house style' for most fanfic. but when i read fanfic i get the sense that the authors are, you know, aware of some literary conventions, of the various aspects that make up a story, and they're struggling to convey concepts and themes. apparently i'm responsible for inspiring somebody to write what i think is the only sincere donkey/shrek porn fanfic in existence, and personally i think that porn fanfic has a million times the literary and artistic merit as chapter 1400 of randitly fucking ghosthound, because porn, overwrought incest soap opera dramas, is at least saying something about the nature of human desire, whereas most progression fantasy stuff is an utterly self-absorbed thesis on "writing somebody cool and powerful is escapism so i can feel cool & powerful", stretched out to a million words.

like i guess 'i want to feel powerful' is an expression of human desire but it's a particularly flat one. i think a lot about that bit in dead zones of the imagination:

Violence’s capacity to allow arbitrary decisions, and thus to avoid the kind of debate, clarification, and renegotiation typical of more egalitarian social relations, is obviously what allows its victims to see procedures created on the basis of violence as stupid or unreasonable. One might say, those relying on the fear of force are not obliged to engage in a lot of interpretative labor, and thus, generally speaking, do not.

[...]

To be more precise: violence may well be the only form of human action by which it is possible to have relatively predictable effects on the actions of a person about whom you understand nothing. Pretty much any other way one might try to influence another’s actions, one at least has to have some idea who they think they are, who they think you are, what they might want out of the situation, and what their aversions and proclivities are. Hit them over the head hard enough and all of this becomes irrelevant.

a fantasy of having power is, i think, fundamentally a fantasy of never having to know anything you don't want to, of never having to deal with the consequences of your actions. i feel it's a particularly grim thing to enshrine into a millon-word epic.

anyway, hi, i'm back on tumblr, i guess. who can say if this will last. i'm still not happy about the porn ban! for reasons hopefully partially explained by the whole bit about porn above. also the increasing sidelining of custom layouts in favor of a uniform interface. sadly even with that it seems like tumblr is basically the only well-travelled social media site that's not a total algorithmic nightmare, although the first thing i did when i remade this account was to go into the settings and turn off like a dozen algorithmic switches that were all defaulted to 'yes'.

i ended up moving cross-country during the peak of covid b/c my former housemate started having screaming panic attacks literally any time somebody stepped outside the house (literally literally, not emphatically literally). i would not recommend it. now i live somewhere where 'fire' is a season, which is introducing new complications to my life. we'll see how things go from here.

oh yeah, also my icon has more points now. i leveled up V:

[furiousgoldfish]

Tactics of narcissistic abuse

Love Bombing & Mirroring are tactics to gain your favour. These will come from a narcissist you’re just getting to know and they’re trying to convince you they’re your perfect partner, soulmate, best friend, ideal lover. Love bombing is showering you with over-the-top affection and support, they’re likely to see what works best on you, then give you just that. They’ll convince you that you’re special and make you feel special, whether it’s with attention, gifts, promises, love phrases, or making you look and feel very good in front of other people. If they can spin this as fate or destiny, they will. You have one lucky coincidence? It’s destiny that you met. They’ll create the image of ‘it’s us against the world’ and convince you that they’re all you need to never be alone, unappreciated or unhappy again. They will say phrases like 'We were born to be together’ or 'You’re the only one who understands’ and make you feel like you’re in a romance film.  Mirroring is the way to convince you that they are just like you, your perfect match. They do this by pretending they want the same things as you. All of your opinions will be shared, your desires will be their desires too, however you want to live, that’s now their ideal life too. If you want children, so do they, if you want to live in a cottage, so do they.

These will be repeated until you feel like you finally got something perfect from life, you commit to them and trust them completely. You will become lenient with your boundaries and disregard minor red flags, because hey, you finally found love, or someone like yourself who makes your life better. These are crucial to keep you around for a long time; the illusion of happiness and perfect companionship you always wanted will keep you holding onto them in hope that things could once again, be this perfect for you. You will not want to let go of them even after the love bombing and mirroring is long gone. Love bombing and mirroring are not indicative of how they’re planning to treat you once you’re committed to them; as soon as they feel you are ready to fight for a life with them, roles will change and you will have to endure escalating abuse from this person, endlessly.

Scapegoats and people badly damaged by trauma will often not get the full love bombing or mirroring, narcissists will be able to win our devotion by acts of basic decency, small thoughtfulness and acting tolerant of our trauma symptoms, this will feel like everything to us, and once we decide this is a good, special person who makes us feel safe and we’d do anything for them, they’ll turn and exploit us endlessly.

Only way to spot this on time is: there will be a little voice of suspicion in your head going ’Isn’t this actually a little too perfect to be real? A little too convenient and ideal?’ and you will not want to listen to that voice. You should listen to it. It’s your instinct, trying to tell you something is off. I won’t blame you if you don’t. Most people won’t just walk away from their ideal partner because things seem 'too perfect’. But, get suspicious at least. Alert to red flags.

Enablers and Flying Monkeys

Narcissists can’t abuse if they’re on their own; they will work hard to build a reputation and charm people who they can later use for purposes of enabling, triangulating, controlling, scapegoating and smear campaigns. Enablers, or Flying Monkeys, are people who are either admiring the narcissists, want to be in narcissists good favour, are trauma bond and scared of the narcissists, are emotionally manipulated or simply too cowardly to point out that the narcissists is wrong and cruel. Most people will fall under the influence and want to be on narcissists side because it’s easier, tempting, feels safer, and doesn’t require much thinking. Narcissist will sometimes emotionally manipulate people to go do their dirty work; they will cry about how they miss their runaway children so flying monkeys would harass and judge children for running away, they will invent stories of abuse and insanity of their spouse so people would shame and judge the spouse who the narcissist is abusing. They create environment in which they can keep abusing and other people will jump to defend, justify, victim-blame and further confuse the victim. “They had a hard life”, “They’re your mother/father/uncle, you have to forgive them” or “He’s not that bad” are the phrases you’ll hear from enablers and flying monkeys. The term “Flying Monkey” is taken from the Wizard of Oz, because the Wicked Witch owned an army of brainless flying monkeys who would do her bidding – much how narcissists do with their enablers.

What enablers are doing is absolutely wrong. They should not be ready to defend abuse, or excuse and justify it, or believe and act on smear campaigns, not for any reason. They are hurting and isolating the victim, and regardless of how much they suck up to the narcissist, they will eventually become the targets too. Victims are right to cut out enablers just how they’re right to cut out abusers. You do not have to suffer for their cowardice or stupidity.

Triangulation is a form of abuse where narcissist brings another person into the relationship in order to bypass your boundary. For instance, you refuse to speak to the narcissist, so they send your family members, friends, or their friends, to talk to you about how much you’re hurting the narcissist and how cruel and unfair you’re being. Or, you’re trying to set a boundary in your marriage, and suddenly a friend or a relative comes talking to you about how unreasonable it is to set such awful boundary and to think of your spouse’s feelings and how bad they have it. Narcissist may try to use you for triangulation too, for example, they might tell you 'Go tell your sister she should do xyz and she’s making a mistake, she’ll listen to you’. It’s implied you agree with the narcissist, and that both of you are doing it for the sister’s good, when it’s more likely the narcissist is trying to force this person to do something they’re deeply set against and would only serve the narcissist. Narcissists will use their children to triangulate a marriage, they will often 'gang up’ other family members on their spouse, or one of the children. If you’re the victim, you’ll find yourself cornered, isolated, and in doubt whether you’re doing the right thing, trying to establish a boundary. Narcissists will also often show affection, compassion or even love to a third person simply to make you jealous and worried that something is wrong with you since you don’t get the same treatment. It’s what creates an illusion that the entire world is agreeing with the narcissist and no matter what you do, you look unreasonable for fighting them.

Narcissists will sometimes invent completely boogus scenarios and try to terrify people into doing their bidding and believing they’re right. As if the world will fall if narcissists don’t get what they want.

Society at large will often enable abusers; you can call out abuse and be rendered a 'killjoy’ because people prefer to enjoy cruelty together with the narcissist than to oppose them. Narcissists are capable of rousing a whole gang of people to turn against the victim and to aid in their abuse; this is scapegoating.

Gaslighting is a form of abuse where the abuser attacks your sense of reality. They will usually do this to obscure and deny acts of abuse. “I never said that” “That didn’t happen” “That’s not how I remember it” “You imagined it” or “You’re crazy, I would never do that!” are common gaslighting phrases abusers use for events that absolutely happened, and they absolutely remember. It’s even more powerful if they get other people to agree that you’re insane for remembering a past event of abuse. They can sometimes try to convince you that something didn’t occur while it’s still happening. This renders your intention of calling out abuse impossible; you’re now debating whether the event even happened and your sanity is questioned.

The point of this is to drive you into insanity; prolonged gaslighting will make you doubt your own memories and senses, and you will no longer be secure in your own point of view or version of reality. You will not be able to fight abuse, because you will get stuck on wondering if it’s even real, or if you’re making it up. Narcissist wants not only to abuse you, but to control your perception of it, reaction of it, and to disable you from telling anyone and being taken seriously. Smear campaign and gaslighting ensures that everyone thinks you’re lying to make problems, even you.

You can attempt to block gaslighting with phrases like 'That was not my experience’ 'I know the truth and I am not debating it with you’ ’ Don’t tell me what happened, I was there’ or ridiculing them for thinking it would work, but sometimes abuse will escalate if you refuse to play along, so be very careful with them.

Baiting, Projection and Scapegoating

Baiting is the way narcissist finds out which triggers will work on you. Types of baits are: Scaremongering, Accusations, False Claims, Guilt-tripping, Victim-playing, False Hope, or Intrigue. They will use these to elicit either fear&anxiety, or guilt&responsibility. You are likely to get pulled in and respond emotionally to these, and thus the narcissist will discover which one of these is most triggering and they can use it to either control you, or to affirm that they can still get you riled up, scared, guilty – they feed on being able to provoke these, it makes them feel powerful. They can later use the same trigger to push you into guilt and fear if you try to resist their control. If they continue doing this to you for a long time, you are likely to develop self-doubt and anxiety about your own persona. Way to counter this is to grey rock them.

Projection is a primitive defense-mechanism, where a person feels uncomfortable with their behaviour or thinking, so they accuse someone else of it to deflect the bad feelings from themselves. This can feel the same as baiting, but narcissists do it without realizing they’re giving you the information about what they’re actually feeling and doing. For instance, a narcissist will accuse you of being self-absorbed after they start feeling uncomfortable with how self-absorbed they are, they will start to call you selfish when it comes to their mind how selfish they are. They will accuse you of the exact shit they’ve been doing whether it’s lying, manipulating, faking for attention, cheating, exploiting, lacking compassion, stealing. These claims will feel like they’re coming out of nowhere at first, but eventually you will wonder if you’re really like that, and accept their projection on yourself, believing to really be as bad, or worse than they are. Even though they’ve done 100% of these things, while you have done none of it. This can also be countered by being aware what is going on and grey-rocking them. Deflecting the blame back to them will not work because they’ll either deflect it back, or throw a tantrum and insult you.

Scapegoating is the most vicious abuse narcissist can inflict on their victims and is designed to completely break a person’s spirit while creating power out of terror. Scapegoating doesn’t only serve to terrify and control the victim; it shows everyone what the narcissist is capable of, causing them to go very far to avoid becoming the next scapegoat. This creates enablers, flying monkeys and other benefits for narcissist to enjoy, while the scapegoat is isolated, not believed, and often shunned by the community to show loyalty to the narcissist.

Scapegoat will be blamed for every narcissists flaw, accused of provocation and creating trouble, shamed for their likes and interests, humiliated for their appearance or needs, their work will be rendered worthless and any pain and injury will be treated as if the scapegoat deserved it, or wanted it. Nothing is out of bounds to criticize or belittle in the scapegoat; flying monkeys will do it too, to either affirm themselves with the narcissist, or because they too crave power by stepping on someone defenseless. If a narcissistic parent decides to scapegoat a child, the other parent might stop caring for the child, and agree that the child deserves only to be neglected and shunned. The illusion narcissists create, of entire society agreeing that a person is irredeemable, deserving only of pain and ridicule, has turned people to suicide.

Scapegoat absorbs all of the narcissist’s malice, cruelty, sadism, baiting, projection, guilt and tantrums, so other people in the environment can get some relief and can use the scapegoat as their shield. You can be chosen to be a scapegoat for challenging the narcissist and standing up to them, for refusing to scapegoat someone else, for seeing thru them and showing any potential for undermining their authority, if narcissist is jealous of you, if narcissist feels threatened by your intellect, compassion and emotional depth they lack. And often, you’ll just be chosen because they’re in position of power and you’re unprotected. If you’re their child, a lonely classmate, employee with no high reputation or lots of friends, a minority, different in the way of sexuality or behaviour, anything that is easily used to sway a group of people against you. Narcissists will make sure to spread a smear campaign filled with lies against you, so that nobody would align with you, or believe you if you try to counter their word.

This type of treatment is beyond anything a human being could deserve, and devastating for the victim’s self esteem and sense of reality. After surviving a scapegoating situation, people might not want to find themselves in any social setting anymore. They might start believing themselves to be unlovable and defective. There is usually no way to counter it or fight your way out, unless there’s a higher authority who could side with you, or there’s a way to physically remove yourself from this environment.

Grey Rock, Hoovering and No Contact

Grey rock is a way to counter baiting and projection; narcissists learn and thrive on our emotional responses, it gives them a thrill to be able to send us into rage, terror, disbelief, shock or panic. Grey rocking means you give zero emotional response, and thus prove yourself very boring and a bad source of narcissistic supply. So, regardless of what egregious threat, accusation, claim or insult they make, you just reply with 'mhmm’ and look completely disinterested. You reply with one-word sentences, say 'sure’ or 'yup’ if they accuse you of something or try to fearmonger, answer questions with 'maybe’ or 'I don’t know’, agree with whatever bs they’re pulling out of their ass without caring, refuse to get pulled in or baited, give them no significance in the conversation until they leave. It is very hard to do, because they will up their game and even fly into rage to get a response, if they feel entitled to it. In some cases they might resort to violence. Often, they’ll keep changing the tactics until something works, and if nothing does, they’ll feel dejected and go find another source of supply. If they feel like they can’t get to you, this undermines their imagined power over you.

No contact is the only way to truly win against a narcissist; if they can’t reach you, they can’t manipulate or hurt you. This means no responding to messages, no letting them know where you live, blocking them on every service, and in most situations, even the enablers have to be no contact, because the narcissist is likely to send them into triangulation and use them to get to you. If you’re unable to go no-contact with a narcissist, a lot of people opt for 'low contact’, which means you only hear from them once a year, or once every 6 months, insufficient for them to gain control over you, and you grey-rock them all the way, and never share any personal info that might be used against you. Hoovering is something a narcissist will do to you after you’ve left them. They might leave you alone for a long time, then suddenly send a message saying they miss you, or they’re thinking about you and wishing you could do xyz together. They might also influence another person to tell you 'x misses you, they wish to see you again, they’re doing bad without you’. This is done to remind you of the 'good times’ and an attempt to draw you back in, as you’re supposed to have forgotten all the abuse already and be ready to take them back. It might come as outrageous expectation or denial of everything bad that happened – that’s because it is. All you have to do is grey-rock this, not respond, and enjoy in knowledge that even if you can’t ensure revenge, you can take yourself away from them, and they will never have you back.

Sources: Baiting, Scapegoating, LoveBombing, Gaslighting(video), Projection(video), Triangulation, Mirroring(video),  FlyingMonkeys (video), Hoovering, Grey Rock

[travelling-on-the-octopath]

Saw a now-deceased post about young Dimitri, and I have some real beef with one aspect of his writing.

Who are these fucking friends he lost in the Tragedy?

It's what fucks with me! Because from a certain point of view, I can understand why some people don't really jive with the closeness of the Faerghus Four; they're messy, very traumatized, and the distance between their home territories means some shenanigans would have had to happen to make them Close-Close™. Not impossible, great fodder for fic, but as far as canon goes, they're old friends, devoted in obscure ways (Felix failing to feel grounded after Dimitri dies in non-AM routes, Sylvain wanting to be rid of the Empire to appease Dimitri's memory/ghost, etc), but they're only good friends if you get their supports/experience their dynamics with each other on Azure Moon.

Which takes me back to: Dimitri always talks about losing his dearest friends in the Tragedy (I'll edit this post to have more citations when I get on my laptop), and I have the same problem with this that I do with the way Edelgard's siblings are written.

They essentially don't exist.

Who are they? Why were they in the castle? Were they the children of staff? Were they knights he'd befriended? Sylvain, Ingrid, and Felix don't seem to think much/know much about these friends, aside from one comment made by Sylvain before the war broke out. I'm not saying what happened to Dimitri isn't fucking tragic, because it is. But we have a face and a name and a story for Lambert; Rodrigue talks about skipping classes together, Gilbert was agonizingly devoted to him/the family as a knight. We have a name and a kindness and an intrigue to Patricia/Anselma; Dimitri was endlessly fond of her, to the point of learning how to stitch/sew from Mercedes as a sort of tribute to ger--and was her intention more cunning, or was she complacent in the Tragedy as nothing more than a desperate mother? We have a name and people gouged in the heart for Glenn; Felix is a prick because of how much he hurts, Ingrid warped her memories of him so his death would sting less.

I'm just. I want to feel something at the loss of these friends, because he keeps mentioning them, but like. I can't, beyond a small "Damn, that sucks." Because I know nothing about them. The Tragedy was fucking sad enough; why add in these friends if you're not going to expand on their existence and presence in Dimitri's life?

[libraford]

I'm going to give some background here because this is a highly opinionated piece and it will potentially escape containment and be divorced from its context. I'm going to put this under a readmore because there is a lot to discuss and some of it is heavy.

What I have is not solutions. Its insight.

I am not directly involved in the schools. I am not a teacher, I do not have children. I am a school photographer and I see a wide variety of schools in the state where I live for two to three days out of a year. However- my brother was the assistant principal of a middle school, my mother in law was a language teacher. Many of my friends from college are former teachers. I see comments about the local school bullying problems on our town's facebook page. But I think its also important to know that I was bullied relentlessly as a school kid and I still remember what it was like.

This is what typically informs my opinions about schools, behavior, and the current state of education.

Its been difficult to organize my thoughts on this subject because there are so many factors that contribute to bullying, and this is really a whole picture kind of thing.

Children are a reflection of their world. They have limited experiences, so the way that they react to things tells us about the world they're in.

Its rough out there.

Even before Covid, there were discussions about the rise of bad behaviors in schools- it was dangerous to be a teacher in certain cities 2018, which is when most of my friends quit teaching. Covid made this worse. Kids had their lives disrupted, there was so much uncertainty, and they saw adults acting horribly towards each other. It shouldn't be a surprise that someone in that position might not respect an adult.

But what's more, a lot of teachers are hard to respect. There are times when I'm visiting a school and the teacher monitoring the cafeteria where I'm stationed has declared that the entire grade must have a silent lunch because a few kids were acting up. This consists of quietly eating your food, no sharing or trades, no talking, giggling, whispering. The teacher in charge shouts at them endlessly and threatens them with losing recess if they hear any talking. If they lose recess, they will have to be silent and listen to more yelling. When they get back to class, they will be yelled at again because of their behavior. When they get home from school, they might get yelled at again from their parents because of their behavior.

There was a kid in my line today to get his photo taken. He had some glasses glare, so I instructed him to drop his chin a little bit. The teacher misheard me and yells at him that he's supposed to smile. He gets mad at her, says he did. Teacher refuses to listen. Student refuses to comply. He mean mugs me. She yells at him some more. I tell her she's mistaken. She tells me he should be listening.

At a higher level of education, I was previously at a high school where I had no choice but to listen to a teacher lecture a near-adult student for thirty minutes nonstop because he wouldn't fall in line like the rest of his class. When she told him to get his picture taken, he said he didn't want to. I tell him that its required by the state. If he doesn't want to do it today, he will have another chance in October. He tells me he won't be here then. I tell him he doesn't have to smile. He lets me take his photo. The teacher yells at him for not complying perfectly. Its another fifteen minutes of lecture about his future.

The snippets that I see on a day to day basis kind of paint an ugly picture in the specific region I'm working in. Students don't respect the teachers, but the teachers also don't respect the students.

I have worked at jobs where the boss yells at his workers all day, and I know its not the exact same, but I think about schools and workplaces a lot. If you are at a job like that you have a few options: You can endure it and try to do your best and hope that its temporary, you can go to HR and hope your boss gets fired over it, you can leave, or you can lash out. I have been at workplaces where the toxic boss leads to toxic colleagues. I often think of it like wolves in captivity- where wolves create a pecking order out of desperation for control over their environment.

At a school, you don't have the option to just leave. Both the teachers and the students are stuck with each other for the whole year.

If your only experience of adulthood is of adults yelling at you, then it stands to reason that this would create a bullying situation. You've been bullied. It must be alright to focus your attention on something you don't like. Because you're something that the teacher doesn't like.

When you're in that position, bullying someone can often feel like standing up for yourself. Emotions aren't always easy to pin down with words and adults even get the words wrong sometimes. I know a lot of very famous adults who get the words 'mean-spirited' and 'hate crime' confused for 'truth' and 'brutally honest.'

Kids are tiny adults with complex emotions but no idea what to do with them because adults don't remember what its like to be a kid. Its like having the bottom of your foot itch while you're driving- you can't take your shoe off and scratch it so the best you can do is scream down the highway.

But I don't want to make it sound like the teachers are the ones at fault, because they're not. Not always.

Good teachers know what they're worth and they leave for better schools, better jobs, or work their way up into administration where their hopes are crushed like a grape.

But even the ones that are good, or even trying, are victims of a bullshit system. The majority of teachers right now are probably my age and grew up in schools like mine- which was not a good experience for me as previously mentioned. Kids were making fun of me for being fat and I was told that they 'kind of had a point.' Bullying aside, it was a 'sit down, do your work, no time for games' situation, not unlike the 'losing your recess' scenario previously mentioned. Literally, they were preparing us for factories and the military.

Every person my age was shaped by the 'No Child Left Behind' bullshit that was so riddled with loopholes and abelist, racist shit that its any wonder we're not all suffering from PTSD (most of us are.)

And the schools have not changed much since.

In fact, it seems like we've doubled down.

The pressure of testing is high. They have to teach everything expected to be on the test by the date of the test and no they are not allowed to know what's on the test. Testing is a constant factor in teacher pressures.

Kids misbehaving adds more pressure. They're not trained to be child psychologists, even if that's what the kids need. No teacher can be everything to everyone, but they're expected to do just that.

Today I listen to a teacher complain about the needs of her kids and she is very heartful about it. She has two kids who only speak Spanish and one kid who only speaks French, but there is no translator. Surely, there must be some way to teach under this condition without learning two languages.

For a different school, I have to learn how to say 'smile' in Spanish, French, Pashto, Nepali, Urdu, and Ukranian. The city I live in is uniquely diverse and I love it, but the teachers can't keep up and I sympathize. I get by with hand gestures, mostly, because language is not one of my strong suits. They don't have that luxury.

The school counselor is overburdened and underpaid. The social workers are a revolving cast. Administration is a mess, not organized, always fighting.

The common reactions for burnout are leave, coast, and lash out.

So you can see where this becomes a monster that feeds itself.

We're back to wolves in captivity, but one of the wolves has authority and a mission with deadlines to carry out with sometimes over 30 traumatized wolf pups.

But there's even more to this.

It seems hopeless to say it this way, but its a mess out there in the world. Kids take in more than you think they do. They see violence. They see hate. They see suffering. They see poverty. They see war. They take all that with them. They internalize everything. Whatever their unique normal is, that is their normal. These kids are going to be unraveling a lot of trauma as they grow and we are going to be in for a very weird time in about a decade.

So I am going to talk a little about the schools in the country. Lord knows they're not perfect. They have lots and lots of troubles. They are critically underfunded- we just saw three elementary schools close this year. And I know they're not immune to bullying problems. A lot of them are not equipped for special needs students and that makes me worried. The kid who speaks Spanish might fall behind because the nearest advocate lives half an hour away.

But.

I see some differences. Classes are smaller, teachers can give the kids more individual attention. Teachers know all of the kids parents because the community is smaller- like they do yoga together or they see each other in church. Less transfers in, transfers out- the kids have a sense of stability in their school life. The routines are strong and structured, but they also are flexible.

I think that their sense of community is a very important factor in making sure the kids are being attended to when there's a problem. Its like... one school per region. You go to school with your neighbors.

Our city teachers did go on strike for smaller classrooms and they did win that condition. I have seen some improvement there. Half-step improvements. But I think that the sense that the school is a place where community is built plays a part in creating a sense of belonging- which is missing somewhat in urban schools. I don't know how to fix that.

Here are some opinions that might relieve some pressure:

Teachers need to be paid more. Flat out. Pay them more. We need to be paying attention to school board elections because teachers need paid more.

Social workers, councilors, advocates- paid more. And more than one staffed per school because the burnout is real.

Students do need to be empowered to look after each other and I do not mean like a 'zero tolerance' thing- thats so abusable. I mean we need to put a lot more applied funding towards early childhood development because if that's where you first learn to stand up for yourself and others then we need to make sure they're doing that.

Clubs. I know you can't make kids join clubs, but when I'm doing yearbook groups its really clear to me that the kids that are involved in clubs are making connections. And it does give kids a place to go if home is not safe for any reason. Do they still do the Big Brothers and Sisters clubs? They were a big deal where I was growing up. Even if its not school related, just having a network of support makes a world of difference.

'Eliminating poverty' is a tall order, but if the problem is at home then poverty is probably a factor. This may sound indirect, but donating money, time, or items to organizations that fight poverty in your area is likely to help a struggling family with school children.

We have GOT to be paying attention to local school board elections. So many of the candidates go uncontested. I know I already said that but this is important.

If you are a teacher and a kid comes up to you and says that they're being bullied for any reason, do not under any circumstances imply that the bully is right to treat them that way. And you should actually address the problem because it WILL happen again.

I was kind of half joking this afternoon that school age children should form a union, but I'm also starting to think that that's not a bad idea. If your teacher is acting like a bad boss, then you should treat them like a bad boss and be able to make demands via collective bargaining.

I just realized I've been typing for 2 hours and I have to be up at 3 am tomorrow. I'm sure I'm wrong about some things. I'm sure there are plenty of solutions that I didn't think of. But this is what goes through my mind literally every time I see bullying at a school I visit.

God, sometimes I think about anti-bullying campaigns and how functionally useless they are against the root of the problem, and how sometimes they make things worse.

[missmentelle]

What makes a codependent relationship? Is it healthy for someone to rely on you as a constant source for support, talking all the time? Getting seperation anxiety and experiencing extreme stress when they are without you? Is it selfish to not necessarily reciprocate that stress?

Let's start by defining what a codependent relationship is.

In a codependent relationship, one person (the codependent) consistently enables the dysfunction of another person, often assuming a "caretaker" or "protector" role. The dysfunctional person usually struggles with a serious issue that may make it difficult for them to function on their own - often addiction, mental illness, or serious underachievement/irresponsibility - and the codependent partner will make extreme personal sacrifices to take care of this person and shield them from the consequences of their actions.

Codependent relationships aren't always romantic relationships - they can be found between friends, parents/children, coworkers, other family members, or any other type of relationship. Wherever they exist, are very unhealthy for both of the people involved in them. The codependent person focuses so heavily on the dependent person's needs that they entirely neglect their own, while the dysfunctional person is enabled to continue being dysfunctional and is often prevented from making any kind of progress toward recovery.

Common traits of codependent people include:

a fear of being alone. They often seek out relationships with people who will depend on them and encourage that dependency to ensure that the other person will not leave them.

extreme fixation on the feelings and needs of others. They often view their own needs as unimportant or secondary and prioritize the needs of others, even when this has not been asked of them.

a compulsive need to "fix" the problems of others. when they see a person who is struggling, they feel the overwhelming need to step in and start "fixing" the situation, even if doing so is not their responsibility.

low self-esteem. They often have chronic issues with self-esteem, and don't feel that they "deserve" to have their own needs prioritized. Their self-esteem is often tied to their ability to maintain their caretaking role at all costs, even when it is incredibly harmful to them.

controlling and perfectionist tendencies. Codependent people often struggle to cope when they don't have high amounts of control in their relationships, or when things aren't done "just so". They gravitate towards caretaking roles where they have high amounts of control, and struggle to let go.

external locus of control. They often feel powerless in their lives, and feel that they simply have to accept their circumstances and the way that others treat them.

high capacity for denial. They often cannot or will not see problems that are right in front of them, and refuse to acknowledge the seriousness of a situation - the house will be burning down around them and they'll refuse to even admit that it's getting a little warm.

a history of interpersonal trauma or abuse. Codependency is often a learned behaviour - many people who fall into these patterns experienced codependency from their parents, or witnessed their parents' codependent relationship at a young age. Many have also experienced extreme emotional abuse, from their parents or a past partner.

a strong need for approval. Codependents need to be liked. They need approval. Doing things for others and letting others walk on them is the best way they know how to gain that.

boundary issues. They often cannot and do not set personal boundaries - they take a "Giving Tree" approach to helping others, endlessly giving even when it seriously hurts them. At the same time, they may overstep boundaries to try to fix others' issues, even when it is not their responsibility to get involved.

a lack of personal identity. The codependent relationship often becomes the focus of their whole life. They invest so much time and energy into it that without it, they wouldn't know what to do with themselves.

a tendency to be drawn to close relationships with substance addicts, alcoholics, people with personality disorders, or other codependents. Codependent relationships are usually not a one-off thing - they tend to be a recurring pattern in a person's life. In particular, people with untreated BPD often seek out relationships with codependent people, as they tend to prefer relationships with people who don't set personal boundaries and are willing to provide the extreme amounts of reassurance and caretaking that they need. People with BPD also tend to be codependent themselves, further complicating things.

an appearance of being "addicted to chaos". Codependent people often appear to gravitate toward drama, dysfunction and chaos. Having relationships with people who have healthy boundaries, autonomy and stable personal lives often holds little interest for them - they prefer relationships where they feel needed and depended upon.

Codependent people often have a "martyr" or "victim" complex - they often feel that it is their lot in life to suffer for others, that self-sacrifice is a key part of their identity, or that suffering is simply a part of loving someone. The idea that they should set expectations in a relationship, leave a relationship where they aren't treated well or have an identity of their own outside a relationship is something they struggle with. They often hop from codependent relationship to codependent relationship, becoming steadily more beaten down and burnt out in the process - breaking free from codependent tendencies can be a long process, and often requires professional help.

There is a lot of variety in what codependent relationships look like. Some examples of codependency in action would include:

A mother allows her chronically unemployed and irresponsible 38-year-old son to live with her, and does everything for him. She never confronts her son about the fact that he doesn't contribute financially or help out around the house, even though it's placing a great financial and personal strain on her. When other family members ask why her adult son isn't taking steps to get his life together, the mother becomes highly defensive, and may make up lies about the progress he's made, or insist that he's still young and that this is normal for his age.

A woman assumes the role of "caregiver" for her unstable and very mentally ill partner. She bends over backwards to keep her partner happy, and doesn't seem to notice or mind that her partner never does the same thing in return. Her partner constantly burns bridges with their own family or friends with their explosive anger, and she rushes in to make excuses and try to fix the situation. When friends raise concerns about the relationship, she brushes them off, insisting that she's happy and everything is fine.

The parent of an autistic teenager infantilizes their autistic child, and insists that the child needs much more care than they actually do. Being an "autism parent" is a huge part of their identity. The child has never been allowed to attend an overnight camp, go for sleepovers or stay at home with a babysitter, as the parent is highly fearful and believes that other people will not look after their child properly. The parent strongly resists all of their child's attempts to gain more independence, insisting that it's too dangerous or that the child cannot handle it.

The US version of the television show Shameless is almost entirely centered around codependent relationships. The main characters are all in codependent relationships with their alcoholic and dysfunctional father, Frank. Although the main characters are often angry with their father, they constantly allow him back into their lives no matter how horribly he treats them - at times, they give him money, provide him with alcohol, let him move back into their house, visit him in the hospital and cover him with a blanket when he passes out on the floor. The boundaries they set with him never last long, and they always resume having a relationship with him, even after he does things that most people would find unforgivable.

So with that said: is it healthy for someone to rely on you as a constant source of support?

It sort of depends.

Relationships are supposed to be a reliable source of support for both of the people in them. That's sort of what they're for. I worry sometimes that the internet is making us too transactional in our relationships, and too quick to think that someone is taking advantage of us if they constantly turn to us for support. It's normal to find comfort in your relationships, and to turn to your loved ones whenever you need someone to talk to. I talk to my partner, my parents and my closest friends every day - that often means mentioning things that we’re stressed or anxious about, or venting about problems in our lives. Sometimes people are going through something and need extra support for a while - that’s just a normal part of close relationships. 

With that said, there are times when someone leans on you too hard. If helping someone is starting to take a serious toll on your own life, that’s a problem. Every relationship needs boundaries; if your boundaries are consistently pushed or broken in the name of supporting that person, it may be time for a serious talk. Staying up until 4am to talk someone through a crisis is fine if this is a rare occurrence. Staying up until 4am to talk someone through a crisis multiple times per week, every single week, is an issue - that’s you sacrificing your own need for sleep, and something needs to change. Are you willing to set boundaries and balance your own needs with your friends’ needs? Is the other person willing to respect boundaries, or do they lash out with anger, guilt-trips, accusations of not caring for them or threats to harm themselves? 

If you and a friend are both willing to communicate and work on establishing boundaries, I think it’s fine for one person to need a lot of support. If the relationship is damaging for you and one or both of you just isn’t able or willing to discuss boundaries, that’s a sign there could be some codependence going on. 

A person experiencing separation anxiety and extreme stress when you aren’t around could be an issue - but again, it depends on how it’s being handled. Is your friend able to cope with this anxiety on their own, or are they constantly putting this anxiety on you? Are they blowing up your phone and getting anxious if you’re 10 minutes late answering a text? Do they ever try to guilt-trip you or blame you for triggering their separation anxiety? Do they accuse you of not caring about them if you try to take time for yourself? Are they jealous of your other relationships? Is their extreme stress taking a toll on your life and preventing you from having other relationships or having personal boundaries and space? If your friend is willing to work on boundaries and find healthy coping mechanisms for their stress, this might be something you can overcome. If your friend is burning you out and one or both of you is unable to set boundaries, this might be a very unhealthy situation. 

Not feeling the same stress and anxiety, however, is definitely not selfish. It’s not healthy for someone to feel that level of extreme stress and separation anxiety - it’s not your friend’s fault that they experience that, but it’s still very unhealthy. The fact that someone feels an unhealthy attachment to you does not mean that you should feel an unhealthy attachment right back. No one benefits from that. In any healthy relationship, both people have a life and identity outside the relationship. This is, fundamentally, the issue at the core of many different unhealthy relationships - whether they are codependent, enmeshed, or abusive.

 Being so attached to someone that you can’t handle them needing friends, hobbies, space and independence isn’t a compliment or something to aspire to - it’s just unhealthy.

Hope this answers your question! MM

[queenshelby]

My Friend’s Father (Part Nine)

Pairing: Cillian Murphy x Reader

Warning: Age Gap, Smut, Domestic Violence, Angst

Words: 3,064

Please comment and interact...it's what keeps this blog going

***************************

Almost a week had passed since you stayed with Cillian at his unit in Galway and, despite the fact that he was away, things had further developed between you as emotions grew with every day.

He was different to any man you had ever been involved with and, whilst your involvement with each other stemmed from purely sexual lust and hunger, you had evolved from this to something different entirely within a matter of days.

Of course, you knew each other for years and, whilst you had a crush on Cillian for as long as you could remember, you never thought that it would be like this and, for Cillian, this feeling had never been mutual.

Whilst he always considered you to be attractive and very intelligent and kind, he never felt any emotional connection or sexual attraction towards you, at least not until that weekend when you visited Denise, which was also the first time he saw you again after six months had passed.

On that night during which you slept with each other, he let his sexual hunger take over his reasonable thinking mind after he saw you, in his kitchen, making pancakes and you had since, quite openly, talked about it. He saw sleeping with you as a mistake but, ever since that night, he couldn’t get you out of his head.

For you, things weren’t just sexual anymore and you began to feel strongly for Cillian which worried you especially since he was open about the fact that he didn’t know where things were heading with you. The fact that you are his daughter’s friend and much younger than him clearly bothered him and he sometimes admitted to you that he felt strange about building such a strong connection with you. A relationship was not what he wanted but he liked you, a lot.

As such, during the past week, Cillian called you every day after he finished filming and you were talking to him more frequently than you were talking to Denise.

During his breaks, he would also text you and check in on you as you were in the middle of exams. He always remembered when you had a test and asked you how it went and, when you told him that you didn’t feel confident with your results, he reassured you that you probably did well and, even if you didn’t, it wouldn’t matter. According to him, a pass is a pass and you needed to lower your expectations of yourself just a little.

To your surprise, he also remembered appointments you had scheduled and things that bothered you which meant that, unlike other men you had been with, he was actually listening and was interested in what you had to say.

Some nights, you had spent hours on the phone or Skype, joking about things you had encountered that day or talking about books, literature and music, which is something you both enjoyed.

Politics and social issues were other matters you could discuss endlessly and, even when you were of different opinions, you would be able to argue in the most satisfying way. Cillian always treated you as an equal and even opened up to you about his divorce from Denise’s mother recently.

Another thing you learned from Cillian was that Denise was brining along her friend Amalie to Manchester to stay at his apartment and, when you gave him a warning about her and her intentions, he reminded you that he only had eyes for you. In fact, he always showered you with compliments and all of his compliments were genuine and came natural to him, helping you immensely with your self-consciousness.

Unfortunately, whilst you enjoyed how engaging Cillian was with you every day, like a teenager in love, with the constant text messages and calls, your father soon got suspicious and confronted you about.

****

“Dad, I am almost 22, you don’t need to be spying on me” you said somewhat frustrated as he asked you who you were talking to every day.

“You live under my roof and you answer me young lady” he said harshly and you couldn’t help but roll your eyes just as your mother stepped in, trying to calm him down. Your father was much older, approaching sixty and fairly old school in the way he expected you and your sister to behave.

“A friend…I am talking to a friend” you explained and your father asked again, telling you not to lie to him because he would know.

“And this friend of yours, you can’t meet him…you just text and talk? You can’t bring him to our house and introduce him?” your father asked along with a million other questions.

“No, I can’t. he lives in Dublin and I, most certainly, wouldn’t bring him into this…” you said somewhat irritated by the interrogation.

“Dublin, huh? So, you met him when you visited Denise?” he asked and you nodded.

“It’s not her brother, is it? Because I really don’t want you to get involved with him. I don’t like this family and their views” your father said harshly, causing you to chuckle.

“Their views?” you asked somewhat surprised and your father nodded.

“Yes, their views on what’s right and wrong. If I recall correctly, this girl you call your friend was going out with someone of the same gender for a while. God didn’t tell us to do this but her parents obviously didn’t have an issue with it which, apparently is called new age parenting. Everything is pro choice and lets their children decide what is best for them even if they lack experience” your father went on to say and you couldn’t help but shake your head at his absurd commentary but, he continued and you soon learned what had happened between your parents and Denise’s parents many years ago, before which your mother had called Denise’s mother her friend as well.

According to your father, Cillian had voiced his opinion to your father when it was found out that your sister was pregnant following a short affair with a man she had met through university.

Cillian’s ex wife had told your sister that she had options, causing your father to get rather angry with her, which is when Cillian stepped in, supporting what Denise’s mother had said.

She had offered your sister help but your father considered this to be a betrayal and, whilst your mother maintained contact with Denise’s mother for a while, your father refused to get involved with Denise’s family thereafter.

Cillian’s often all so public views angered him and he made this very clear. He didn’t want you to be involved with his children and you couldn’t help but laugh about the irony of it all when you found out about this incident.

“Jesus Dad, that was years ago and not everyone has to have the same views as you” you said before confirming that you weren’t seeing Denise’s brother.

“No, they don’t, but I am just looking out for you and, instead of acting the way you do, throwing yourself at guys with new age ideas, I would much prefer if you met a nice young catholic man” your father explained, causing your mother to fume in anger with him.

“Throwing myself at guys? Listen, I am not sure what slut you think I am but it’s nice to know that you think so little of me” you said before storming upstairs and into your room.

Having to deal with this crap bothered you and you knew that, when this semester came to an end, you could be moving out now that you saved enough money for a bond and rent.

*****

As the evening went on, you spent all of your time in your room, reading a book until, finally, at around 9 o’clock you saw a notification on Skype.

‘Hey Beautiful’ Cillian said as you picked up and popped in your headphones.

Cillian apologised for calling through so late and informed you that he was finally able to speak to Laura, the woman he was seeing before you.

He knew that you wanted to know about it and he had no problem telling you what you needed to hear while telling you that you had absolutely nothing to worry about.

It was Laura’s first day back on set after a week-long break and Cillian told you that she wasn’t exactly impressed when he stood her down.

‘She probably likes you…I can understand that’ you said calmly but Cillian told you that he was pretty clear with her about what this was between them.

‘Well, in retrospect, I shouldn’t have gotten involved with her’ he went on and you were quite happy to change the topic by this point and told him that you were aching for him.

‘Well, I am not sure that I can help you with that’ Cillian chuckled.

‘We could have Skype sex I suppose’ you giggled.

‘Skype Sex?’ Cillian laughed before telling you that he didn’t think that this would be a good idea since you were at home with your parents and you had previously complained about the thin walls of the house.

‘Oh Jesus Cillian, my father already thinks I am a slut, so I personally don’t care if anyone hears me getting myself off. I’ve got my earphones in and am the only one who can hear you and my door is locked’ you chuckled.

‘Your father thinks that you are a slut? Do you want to talk about that?’ Cillian asked concerned but you shook your head.

‘I rather not. You met him and know what he is like’ you explained.

‘I do. He takes God very seriously’ Cillian said before continuing on. ‘But, if you have problems at home you need to tell me please. You can stay at my apartment. I can get my house keeper to meet you there with the key’ he offered.

‘You said you were going to stay out of stuff between me and my parents just as I would stay out of matters between you and Denise’ you then said, reminding him on the conversation about your respective roles which you had three days ago.

‘Yes I did, but I can’t if I have to worry about you’ Cillian said firmly.

‘There is no need to worry Cillian. I promise’ you reassured him. ‘Well, actually, I need you to worry about my sexual needs right now’ you then went on to say with sly grin.

‘Through Skype?’ Cillian asked again somewhat concerned.

‘Yes’ you said with a cheeky smile as you settled more into your bed with your laptop.

‘Alright then, show me what you are wearing” Cillian said as he cut straight to the point.

‘Can you see?’ you asked as you adjusted the cam and showed Cillian your dark blue lingerie.

‘Very nice…but…I think you would look even better if you were naked, don’t you think?’ Cillian said somewhat nervously and you nodded in agreement.

‘Well, I suppose I should strip for you and you should strip for me’ you giggled as you seductively took off your bra slowly, showing Cillian your perky breasts through the camera.

You heard him inhale sharply as he watched you and took his t-shirt off at the same time, leaving him in nothing but his CK briefs.

Without words you then scooted back on the bed and removed your undies, allowing him to watch before you sat down on the bed, spread eagle and naked, giving him a good view of your mound.

‘Jesus Y/N, you are so fucking beautiful and sexy…touch yourself for me, nice and slow’ Cillian breathed out and you let his soothing voice wash over you, knowing what he was trying to do and happily helping him succeed.

‘Like this?’ you moaned as you began to run circles over your clit with your fingers.

‘Yes, just like that babe’ Cillian groaned as he shuffled down his briefs and you were finally getting a good look of his hard cock.

‘Oh god, I want to stroke your cock so badly’ you moaned as you seductively opened your pussy lips with your fingers, opening yourself up before reaching for the black vibrator you kept in your bedside table.

‘Well, someone's particularly horny tonight’ Cillian chuckled as he watched you play with your pussy, and you could hear the smirk in his voice.

You mumbled a small "mhm," and he laughed.

‘Good, that's exactly how I like you, so naughty and needy’ Cillian said as he slowly began to stroke his hard member.

You barely registered his words enough to answer with another "mhm," but your subconscious managed it. Your weak answer elicited another delicious chuckle from the other end of the line.

"Why don't you show me how this little toy of yours works?” Cillian then asked as he watched you eagerly.

“I was just waiting for you to ask” you giggled as you began to run your fingers along your stomach and back up to your chest, leaving a trail of goosebumps their wake before reaching for the vibrator and turning it on.

“Put into your sweet pussy babe, let me see it” Cillian groaned and you moan in response, barely processing his words but still understanding enough to answer and do what he asked.

"I bet your pussy is already dripping” he said as you slid the vibrator into you slowly. He was right, you could feel your wetness pooling.

“I am so fucking wet and I wish it would be your cock inside me” you moaned as you began to stroke the toy in and out of you.

Cillian was groaning on the other side, his eyes full of lust and desire for you and you let out a quiet moan as you watched him with the same desire and hunger while you were pleasuring yourself.

“Good girl, keep going…” Cillian tells you and you moan again hearing it.

“Tell me how much you are aching for my cock” he then said you moaned again.

“I want your cock so badly, fuck…I want your cum inside me, dripping out of my wet little pussy” you moaned, eliciting a groan from Cillian as he began to stroke his cock harder and faster.

“Such a naughty needy girl, aren’t you? I can’t wait to be inside you again and make you cum over and over again” Cillian said with a laboured breath and you are barely listening at this point.

“I want you to cum for me and show me this dripping pussy when you do…I fucking love hearing your moans, so fucking sexy…common babe….let go” Cillian said, knowing that you were close and your orgasm rolled over you as soon as the word 'cum' left his lips, and although your sensitive clit was screaming at your hand to stop, you couldn't.

‘Oh god fuck, yes…’ you moaned as you came hard and fast.

“That’s it babe, don’t stop” he instructed as your moans continuously spilled from your mouth, and you were not even sure what you were saying or if you were forming words at all. The only thing in your head is a deliciously heavy fog and Cillian’s voice guiding you to do what he wanted.

“Don’t stop, keep fucking your sweet little pussy babe” Cillian ordered as he knew you weren’t done and, just as he did, you let out a high-pitched moan, bordering on a scream, as an even stronger orgasm washed over your body.

‘Cum for me babe…I want to see all this cum’ you moaned in return, focusing on the delicious image in front of you as Cillian was stroking his cock and, just when you finally come back down you heard Cillian groan loudly.

“Fuck” he groaned as he stroked his cock hard and fast you watched rope after rope of cum spurt onto his stomach.

‘Oh god, what a waste, I want to lick your cum off your skin so badly” you breathed out as Cillian came down from his high slowly and used a tissue to clean himself up.

‘Stop saying those things or you have to stay on the line for another twenty minutes at least’ Cillian chuckled as he could feel his manhood stir again.

‘Well, I think you shouldn’t cum again until you come to visit me in Galway the weekend after next…I want you to save it all for me’ you said, causing Cillian to cock an eyebrow as he pulled his briefs back up.

‘Fat chance babe’ he chuckled, knowing that going without an orgasm for nine days would be rather difficult for him.

Eventually, after a lot of begging, he agreed to try but he wouldn’t be able to make you any promises to this effect.

***

The following day, you went to work and then university thereafter but, when you eventually returned home, your father was in a worse mood than ever before.

‘Can you explain this to me?’ he asked angrily as soon as you walked through the door and you couldn’t help but gulp when he pointed to a white box which he had placed on the living room table.

‘You went through my personal belongings’ you huffed out as the box contained some lingerie and intimate items, including toys, that you were hiding in the bottom of your dresser.

‘Again Y/N, this is my house, my rules and I don’t want my daughter to own filth like this’ he said, after having heard small pieces of your conversation with Cillian on Skype the evening before.

It was obvious to you that your father was appalled and you were outraged that he had been snooping through your room and, as you would later learn, had even tried to access your computer.

‘I can’t fucking believe you dad. These are my personal belongings and you have no right to go through them’ you huffed out and, just as you did, you could feel a sharp strike across your face.

‘Get this shit out of my house and talk to me with some respect’ he said harshly, leaving you speechless and in tears as he walked away, leaving your cheek burning red.

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@peaky-cillian​

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[linkspooky]

What Eren Wants

After all the mystery surrounding Eren’s true intentions, what Eren really wants in the final arc, this chapter lays it out quite clearly. Eren wants his friends to kill him. Not because he thinks it’s going to achieve some grand objective in a secret plan he’s had all along that requires he sacrifice his own life. I think Eren just wants to die. Suicidal ideation, is a symptom of a much bigger underlying problem, it’s a passive longing to die. More on this, and more on Eren under the cut. 

1. No Future

Eren is committing metaphorical suicide in his final act with the rumbling. It’s a pretty thinly veiled metaphor too, considering Eren just tells his friends that they have to kill him. Consider the two characters who Eren is paralleled against the most with this arc: Zeke and Reiner. 

Zeke’s wish has always been the opposite of Eren’s. Eren believes he was free because he was born in this world. Zeke, who was born as a part of some great plan, not as a child to be loved, but a child to be made into a soldier a tool for his parents wishes he wasn’t born. He thinks all suffering can be avoiding if only he never existed in the first place. 

This wish, to stop existing, because it’s the only way to end suffering is plain and simple suicidal ideation. Xander even tells Zeke as much when recounting the story of his family, that he became a warrior candidate because he wanted to die in the worst way possible. 

Consider Zeke’s view of his own life. HIs family never loved him. He was born without love, therefore there’s no love in his life, and no future. Not only is there no future for him, but there’s no future for all Eldians in general. From that point forward what Zeke seeks is not to heal, but rather to alleviate pain. They’re the thoughts of a suicidal person. 

Reiner who is compared to Eren endlessly, who committed the same sin that Eren did, deciding to knock down the walls and destroy everybody inside is shown with this same hopelessness in regards to his own life. 

Once again there’s the repettition for the wish for it all to end. Reiner who is a child soldier just like Eren. Reiner who once believed he was doing something good, that he was fighting for a cause. Reiner’s wish to die is even more thinly veiled then Eren’s. 

In this scene Reiner is exposed to Eren’s desire to be like him and Mikasa, to be someone he perceives as strong, and also his fear deep down that he’s going to die a worthless death. He’s going to die having achieved nothing. This is important for later, because Eren’s suicide isn’t just killing himself, he’s also staging it so he’s dying for a cause, for an idea like freedom, he’s trying desperately to give his death meaning. 

Reiner tells Eren that the only thing the both of them can do is to keep moving forward. However, what Eren and Reiner do is they continually throw themselves into more conflict again and again, unnecessary conflicts. That’s why this is paralleled with what happened to Marco because, Marco tried to give them a chance to talk things out but Reiner made it a fight. 

Reiner and Eren’s tendency to throw themselves into conflict again and again is, self-harming behavior. They’re intentionally risking their lives because it’s the only way they can try to find meaning in their lives and try to fight against their own feelings of worthlessness. 

They are trying to prove something to themselves by putting their lives on the line, they are trying to find meaning in the conflict that has dominated their entire lives (remember they are child soldiers, they were raised not by parents, but by the war around them and it’s practically all they know by this point). Reiner and Eren’s dream to destroy the devils of Paradis, to Eliminate all the Titans has always, always, been paralleled with their wish to die. 

Immediately after he says this it cuts to Reiner with a gun in his mouth. It’s not really subtle imagery. Eren also says, something incredibly similiar to Reiner’s series of flashbacks here. 

Eren says to Falco there are those like him and Reiner who choose to throw themselves into hell again and again, because they’re hoping to get something out of it. This is willfully self-harming, self-endangering behavior, Eren and Reiner throw themselves into conflict again, and again, and again hoping to try to get some meaning out of that conflict but they won’t because war is hell bla bla bla. 

Falco even repeats the line that Eren said to Reiner, because that’s what Eren believes deep down, and what Eren is desperately trying to avoid, that he is weak, that he is powerless, that there is no hope for someone like him. Better to sacrifice his life for some cause, then die a worthless death. And like I said, these feelings have been inside Eren for a long time he even casually thinks about it before kissing HIstoria’s hand. He even begged Historia to kill him in the Uprising Arc. Eren and Reiner have been fighting against these feelings for a long time, and eventually, they grew tired of the fighting. 

2. Child Soldiers

The diffference between Reiner and Eren, is Reiner is still able to see some kind of future that Eren himself has given up on. 

Falco is what stops Reiner’s suicide. The idea that Falco still needs him. Reiner, Zeke, Eren, the three of them are all child soldiers who need to grow up, but find themselves unable to because they’ve been raised by war not family. Eren’s reckless regard for the lives of children is meant to be compared to Reiner’s protectiveness over Falco and Gabi. 

Eren’s suicidal feelings are always connected towards this reckless violence towards children because, for the same reason as Zeke ends up gravitating towards euthenasia, neither Eren nor Zeke can even imagine any kind of future for themselves. 

Eren’s fear has always been that he hasn’t grown up. That not a single thing has changed since the day his mother died. That deep down he’s still that useless brat that watched her die. That’s how Eren perceives himself, a child, a brat, that’s how he always has. 

We never really saw him get over this self perception either, at best he’s been made aware of this. When Hanji sees Eren acting out, they make constant jokes about Eren just being in his rebellious phase and growing up. 

Floch even says, deep down inside, Eren believes he’s always right, therefore he doens’t really ever change his beliefs or give them up when he’s challenged. He acts like an unreasonable child. IE. Someone who cannot be reasoned with. 

He even calls Mikasa the grown up for being able to let go and change her beliefs. It makes sense that Eren is this way, he’s been coping terribly with the loss of everything, and constant insecurity since childhood. Child soldiers are, stunted and not well adjusted. None of the characters are in the story, a lot of them still cling onto ideas they’ve held since childhood. Armin still sees himself as the weak one even though he currently has the storngest titan, and is in a position of power and responsibility in the army. Mikasa still sees herself as needing Eren to come home, and needing Eren to be there to have a family even though she’s always been stronger than him. Even though she’s capable of moving on. Annie still wants to run away back to her father, because that’s what he told her to do when he was a little girl. 

This is a story where all of the characters are child soldiers struggling to grow up. Even Erwin himself, clings to the dream his father gave him when he was a child. This is the how much the military, and the continual conflict has destroyed the lives of the children it eats up. That’s what Magath realizes in the end, that they were all just normal children, before he got his hands on them. 

Eren is just, the worst of this. IN a story where they are all struggling to grow, Eren has given up. Which is why we see both him and Ymir pictured now as eternal children. 

Eren is stunted, not only that he’s given up on the possibility that he might ever be better. It’s the way he refers to his own life now. This was always going to happen. He was just born this way. Eren remembers the scene where he gave Mikasa the strength to live, but he only remembers the fighting, only remembers the cruelty where he killed two men in order to save a little girl, and insists that it’s always going to be this way the only way he can keep going is to kill and struggle and kill some more. 

3. Live

Eren has all but forgotten the moment where he wrapped the scarf around Mikasa’s face, because the true importance of that scene is now lost on him. What he gave Mikasa was not a reason to fight, but a reason to live. It’s not something Eren gave her by picking up a weapon or telling her to fight, but by being by her side all this time. 

Eren who only sees the fighting and not the future after forgets what he was trying to do in that moment, which was save a little girl’s life and tell her to live. 

Eren thinks what got Mikasa attached to him was the violence he showed in that moment, the fact that he killed her captors, and not the comfort he showed her afterwards, not the home, because Eren ever since his mother died cannot move past that fact and believes there’s no home in this world for him, no family for a boy who cannot even protect his own mother. 

The world is cruel for making them fight to survive, but it’s not just cruel. That’s the idea that Mikasa has always represented. If Falco and Gabi are the children that Reiner protects because they are his last connection to the wrold, then Mikasa is Eren’s most important connection. She represents his desire to do more than just fight, to live in a world th’at scruel, to live together with her. 

And Eren is doing his best to turn his back away from her. 

Mikasa remembers the connection of that moment, and Eren only remembers the violence, Mikasa a little girl brutally killing two of her captors. Of course they both remember it wrong, Mikasa ignored Eren’s violence and only saw his kindness. Which led her to become codependent on that connection for so long like it was the only one that existed for her, like she could not connect to anybody besides Eren because he was kind to her in that moment. Whereas, Eren has always seen Mikasa’s strength as a barrier to their relationship. He has a complex about Mikasa, she’s stronger than him, when she tries to get close to him and protect him he sees that as her looking down on him. 

Eren can’t possibly see why Mikasa would want to be with somebody as weak as him, because he just doesn’t see what’s so lovably about himself. Eren only sees violence, MIkasa only sees love, and because of that they both can’t see each other. 

This chapter, it’s Armin who does most of the pleading, but Mikasa is literally always in the center of the frame. She puts her desire most simply. Eren doesn’t have to do this. He doesn’t have to choose death. They could still have a life together.

What Mikasa wants is to live. That’s what her arc has always been about, a little girl who wants to live on in a world that’s cruel.  She also wants to be what Eren was to her so long ago. She wants to tell him he can live. 

Mikasa is the first one to run to Eren.  She’s the one who flashes back to the child Eren because she’s the one who knows him the longest. 

When Reiner says that Eren is probably wants it all to end by someone else’s hand. It’s Mikasa who the focus suddenly falls on. 

Mikasa will always be Eren’s strongest connection to his own lifeline, his desire to live together and have a future with her, represented by the red scarf wrapped around both of their necks. 

When Eren was about to give up on living, Mikasa reminded him that just him being there next to her side all that time was enough for her. 

The promise to wrap the scarf around her neck, is simply a process to live with her. 

But, Eren doesn’t want that anymore.  He just wants to die. 

[morgs-the-cat-backup]

Under the cut-

#adira - the tag goes for both the story as a whole and the main character. in summary my beloved girl discovers the Bible (dystopia which has wiped out Christianity in that location and no internet so very localised an controlled) and has a crisis of faith while working everything out. that's the first book. it develops, but yeah. most of these characters start out in their early/mid teens. may be referencing later events because this series is likely to end up covering at minimum a decade of their lives to a greater or lesser degree.

Adira - has a temper (classic redhead), passionate and intense about many things, somewhat arrogant, very determined to figure out the truth of the world, somewhat a self insert (has ended up completely accidentally very visually similar to me xD ) . I don't know her theme song. She's the main character. I love her so much. I can talk endlessly about her but also I'm kinda mixed up atm with reading over past drafts and how she was portrayed then and how that'll change.

Tom - ALSO has a temper (ends up with significant anger issues/tendency to violence that require a lot of work to get over and nearly destroys his marriage), physically disabled (details to be worked out), has a bunch of health issues, significant self-hatred and attendant mental problems, tendency towards obsession, side B bi. Dunno if he has a theme song as I've found yet. He's a supporting/secondaryish/main character. Becomes one of Adira's closest friends and has a significant role in the first book. Has a nasty history that honestly has ended up more like grooming than anything else (he the victim). Is driven by determination and an iron will that will carry him almost beyond the point of endurance. I love this dude sm. Also he's possibly half Indian? Not certain yet tho. But yeah, I got a lot to figure out about his character. Incidentally he and Adira end up married (and yeah their relationship tips into toxic territory for a while before he gets pulled up short and forced to rebuild it; not entirely his fault but definitely mostly). Obviously I need to work on that bit too but since that's plenty beyond the first book I'm more working on setting up foreshadowing and his character so that he'll develop into that sort. (I love him but he Sure Has Issues.)

Emily - uhhhh she's not particularly fleshed out yet xD She's Adira's adopted sister, but they're not especially close anymore (they grow closer over the course of the books, and were friends as small children). I had an idea for her and then I kinda a) realised it didn't fit with the rest of it and b) yoinked the best bits of her character for a different story which I'll expand on once I've done with these ones xD Anyway, she is good and kind and sweet and gentle and I love her. Her only real faults are rather Jane-Bennet-ish at present, and also that she's too ready to agree unquestioningly with those she trusts. In later books she goes through a crisis of faith and quite literally nearly dies as a result (there's a fun bit in there where the other characters on the scene realise that they don't know if the danger she ended up in was accidental or deliberate (it was accidental) and others go through Many Emotions as a result; they're all in a hard spot at that point with varying mental challenges). I found a theme song for her once but I can't remember what it was. She's a side/secondary character.

Dorothy - Adira and Emily's mother. She's somewhat similar to her daughter, but without some of the emotion to drive her. Pretty cool and calculating, but with a great warmth underneath. She's repressed her emotion for years and years in a mildly abusive family situation (her husband Theo is horrible and I despise him). She helps Adira to figure things out, with the help of a friend she introduces Adira to (Mr Saunders). I feel like I don't have a great handle on her character specifically, just Vibes.

Mr Saunders - he's ended up being a main character of the short story collection I call on here #suh, because two of the five stories (including the longest, at 23k) deal with him as a main character. (That short story collection is to be self-published in ??? once I finish editing it. his stories are tagged #story:wcb and #story:preacher (tho I'm not sure the latter has anything tagged as yet.) Anyway I've got it professionally edited I just need to go through that and then one more round of edits and then it's formatting and printing timeee.) Anyway, he's old and slow and very very gentle and kind. Like Dorothy, there are depths to him. But he loves deeply and has been hurt and yet those hurts slip off him like water. I love him so much and wish I could meet him in real life. He's the only one at the start of the story who is already currently Christian (in secret tho, and his ending is... I have Thoughts on that), though he's introduced mid-story. He's v important to Adira's development.

Neil - this dude has been severely depressed for YEARS okay he's my darling even tho it's mostly his own fault. Originally heavily inspired by Loukanos from S. J. Knight's A Time To series (fantastic 10000/10 would recommend, especially the first book). He's a doctor. He's Emily's biological uncle, her only remaining biological family. He has terrible hurt in his past, and he dwells on it and grows rancid over it. Incredibly bitter and lashes out. Not sure when he's gonna be introduced in-story, I know by what time I need him in the book but I dunno when he'll be introduced. He also has trauma/resentment around Christianity that he has to work through. I need to flesh him out better.

Giselle - we only learn her name closer to the end, when she and the story part ways. Her tag is #the evil spychologist. Not a typo, and for a good reason. Anyway, I adore writing her scenes and interactions with Adira. Shows how much I love writing stories where the main character is aware that they're being manipulated. Her character as herself isn't particularly apparent (she may show up later in the books or she may not) she's more a front for the evil government.

Those are the only main characters I can think of at this instant, but other side characters include Rosalind (kind of love interest for Tom at one point, it's complicated), Elton (can i punch his face can i PLEASE punch his face), Merry (either Adira or Emily's friend from <extracurricular>), Sandra (Dorothy's friend w a family), Rick (the resident Good Atheist), [name] (I forgot her name rn but she was Adira's friend from IMI, becomes an archivist like Dorothy and later meets Adira again. looked conservative and quiet and happy and whatnot in school and when she meets her again she's sporting a smart blue haircut, incredible heels and long sleeves...), and not to forget the twins Adira and Tom unexpectedly adopt with zero notice in like the fifth book xD their names are Faith and Hope. There's also another Faith (hehe spoilers but I love her sm).

oh crumbs I forgot Tom's entire family. Anyway there are a bunch of them. Alison (mother), can't remember his dad's name, and the kidlings are in no particular order Norah, Elizabeth, Katy, Rufus, Andy (he's importanter), Rufus's twin uhhhh can't remember his name, I think that's all the kiddos. I named each of the girls after a character I love lol.

ANYWAY I think that's all the summary of that particular series. moving on to the other which has a much smaller cast and is very character-driven

#vaniah - this tag goes for both the focal character and the story. Basically a story of healing from trauma, partly using the vehicle of an arranged marriage to handle it. It's very strongly Christian, both main characters are Christians and their faith is the only thing that holds them through everything, especially Vaniah.

Vaniah - my boy is Traumatised. Partly this is his own fault/perceived as his fault bc he was pressured into things and feels later that he should've said no, and he deals with incredible guilt and self-hatred. It's an extremely dark story with a lot of dark themes (graphic on-page self harm at least once as well as description of scarring, lots of discussion of suicidal ideation, potential suicide attempt, mentions of alcoholism and a couple of instances of my boy being Quite Drunk, some level of mentions of adult themes and slightly suggestive content, though that especially I will handle as carefully as I'm able). However! there is light hearted stuff in there too and ultimately it's a story of hope and rising from rock bottom. Vaniah loves butterflies and will infodump for as long as anyone wants about them (and other things). I dont really know how to talk about his character because for most of it he's SO consumed with self hatred to a greater or lesser extent. I don't know, I'm not selling this very well xD Alexandra has done fanart of a scene from this story and I'm still obsessed with it.

Emily - I know she has the same name as in Adira's story. These were originally connected, and now she's different. I'm still using this name but that will change in time (possibly to Amelie? idk). She deals with an eating disorder which Vaniah also helps her with. She's sweet and very gentle but has strong feelings. Vaniah perceives her as very pure and innocent, though this in fact is not quite true. She's been through somewhat herself, and her hope and faith are more out of determination than come easy.

I could ramble on about these two forever but I have somewhat done so before probably (you could check the tags. the tag #emily does cover both Emilies tho)

Side characters include: Ben (Emily's brother), Camilla (his wife), [name] (Vaniah's sister), uhhhhh there are probbably more I'm forgetting rn

Please ask me for any details or clarification or ask about anything to do with anything! :D

hello i want to send some of those drawing prompts in but i know nothing about your ocs. would you mind telling me a little about them? general personality traits, theme song (if they had one), role, and whatever else you'd like :>

owo!!!!!! :D okay SO i have multiple different stories (many many many) but I'll elaborate on the two that are currently most in my mind (apart from the animal-centric one, #taira, which wouldn't work with those drawing prompts)

Um. Putting this under a read more because it's getting long. Gonna copy-paste the under-the-cut stuff into a reblog to my backup sideblog, tho, just in case. Trigger tags are for the second story, and only because they're mentioned as part of it but definitely not in detail.

#adira - the tag goes for both the story as a whole and the main character. in summary my beloved girl discovers the Bible (dystopia which has wiped out Christianity in that location and no internet so very localised an controlled) and has a crisis of faith while working everything out. that's the first book. it develops, but yeah. most of these characters start out in their early/mid teens. may be referencing later events because this series is likely to end up covering at minimum a decade of their lives to a greater or lesser degree.

Adira - has a temper (classic redhead), passionate and intense about many things, somewhat arrogant, very determined to figure out the truth of the world, somewhat a self insert (has ended up completely accidentally very visually similar to me xD ) . I don't know her theme song. She's the main character. I love her so much. I can talk endlessly about her but also I'm kinda mixed up atm with reading over past drafts and how she was portrayed then and how that'll change.

Tom - ALSO has a temper (ends up with significant anger issues/tendency to violence that require a lot of work to get over and nearly destroys his marriage), physically disabled (details to be worked out), has a bunch of health issues, significant self-hatred and attendant mental problems, tendency towards obsession, side B bi. Dunno if he has a theme song as I've found yet. He's a supporting/secondaryish/main character. Becomes one of Adira's closest friends and has a significant role in the first book. Has a nasty history that honestly has ended up more like grooming than anything else (he the victim). Is driven by determination and an iron will that will carry him almost beyond the point of endurance. I love this dude sm. Also he's possibly half Indian? Not certain yet tho. But yeah, I got a lot to figure out about his character. Incidentally he and Adira end up married (and yeah their relationship tips into toxic territory for a while before he gets pulled up short and forced to rebuild it; not entirely his fault but definitely mostly). Obviously I need to work on that bit too but since that's plenty beyond the first book I'm more working on setting up foreshadowing and his character so that he'll develop into that sort. (I love him but he Sure Has Issues.)

Emily - uhhhh she's not particularly fleshed out yet xD She's Adira's adopted sister, but they're not especially close anymore (they grow closer over the course of the books, and were friends as small children). I had an idea for her and then I kinda a) realised it didn't fit with the rest of it and b) yoinked the best bits of her character for a different story which I'll expand on once I've done with these ones xD Anyway, she is good and kind and sweet and gentle and I love her. Her only real faults are rather Jane-Bennet-ish at present, and also that she's too ready to agree unquestioningly with those she trusts. In later books she goes through a crisis of faith and quite literally nearly dies as a result (there's a fun bit in there where the other characters on the scene realise that they don't know if the danger she ended up in was accidental or deliberate (it was accidental) and others go through Many Emotions as a result; they're all in a hard spot at that point with varying mental challenges). I found a theme song for her once but I can't remember what it was. She's a side/secondary character.

Dorothy - Adira and Emily's mother. She's somewhat similar to her daughter, but without some of the emotion to drive her. Pretty cool and calculating, but with a great warmth underneath. She's repressed her emotion for years and years in a mildly abusive family situation (her husband Theo is horrible and I despise him). She helps Adira to figure things out, with the help of a friend she introduces Adira to (Mr Saunders). I feel like I don't have a great handle on her character specifically, just Vibes.

Mr Saunders - he's ended up being a main character of the short story collection I call on here #suh, because two of the five stories (including the longest, at 23k) deal with him as a main character. (That short story collection is to be self-published in ??? once I finish editing it. his stories are tagged #story:wcb and #story:preacher (tho I'm not sure the latter has anything tagged as yet.) Anyway I've got it professionally edited I just need to go through that and then one more round of edits and then it's formatting and printing timeee.) Anyway, he's old and slow and very very gentle and kind. Like Dorothy, there are depths to him. But he loves deeply and has been hurt and yet those hurts slip off him like water. I love him so much and wish I could meet him in real life. He's the only one at the start of the story who is already currently Christian (in secret tho, and his ending is... I have Thoughts on that), though he's introduced mid-story. He's v important to Adira's development.

Neil - this dude has been severely depressed for YEARS okay he's my darling even tho it's mostly his own fault. Originally heavily inspired by Loukanos from S. J. Knight's A Time To series (fantastic 10000/10 would recommend, especially the first book). He's a doctor. He's Emily's biological uncle, her only remaining biological family. He has terrible hurt in his past, and he dwells on it and grows rancid over it. Incredibly bitter and lashes out. Not sure when he's gonna be introduced in-story, I know by what time I need him in the book but I dunno when he'll be introduced. He also has trauma/resentment around Christianity that he has to work through. I need to flesh him out better.

Giselle - we only learn her name closer to the end, when she and the story part ways. Her tag is #the evil spychologist. Not a typo, and for a good reason. Anyway, I adore writing her scenes and interactions with Adira. Shows how much I love writing stories where the main character is aware that they're being manipulated. Her character as herself isn't particularly apparent (she may show up later in the books or she may not) she's more a front for the evil government.

Those are the only main characters I can think of at this instant, but other side characters include Rosalind (kind of love interest for Tom at one point, it's complicated), Elton (can i punch his face can i PLEASE punch his face), Merry (either Adira or Emily's friend from <extracurricular>), Sandra (Dorothy's friend w a family), Rick (the resident Good Atheist), [name] (I forgot her name rn but she was Adira's friend from IMI, becomes an archivist like Dorothy and later meets Adira again. looked conservative and quiet and happy and whatnot in school and when she meets her again she's sporting a smart blue haircut, incredible heels and long sleeves...), and not to forget the twins Adira and Tom unexpectedly adopt with zero notice in like the fifth book xD their names are Faith and Hope. There's also another Faith (hehe spoilers but I love her sm).

oh crumbs I forgot Tom's entire family. Anyway there are a bunch of them. Alison (mother), can't remember his dad's name, and the kidlings are in no particular order Norah, Elizabeth, Katy, Rufus, Andy (he's importanter), Rufus's twin uhhhh can't remember his name, I think that's all the kiddos. I named each of the girls after a character I love lol.

ANYWAY I think that's all the summary of that particular series. moving on to the other which has a much smaller cast and is very character-driven

#vaniah - this tag goes for both the focal character and the story. Basically a story of healing from trauma, partly using the vehicle of an arranged marriage to handle it. It's very strongly Christian, both main characters are Christians and their faith is the only thing that holds them through everything, especially Vaniah.

Vaniah - my boy is Traumatised. Partly this is his own fault/perceived as his fault bc he was pressured into things and feels later that he should've said no, and he deals with incredible guilt and self-hatred. It's an extremely dark story with a lot of dark themes (graphic on-page self harm at least once as well as description of scarring, lots of discussion of suicidal ideation, potential suicide attempt, mentions of alcoholism and a couple of instances of my boy being Quite Drunk, some level of mentions of adult themes and slightly suggestive content, though that especially I will handle as carefully as I'm able). However! there is light hearted stuff in there too and ultimately it's a story of hope and rising from rock bottom. Vaniah loves butterflies and will infodump for as long as anyone wants about them (and other things). I dont really know how to talk about his character because for most of it he's SO consumed with self hatred to a greater or lesser extent. I don't know, I'm not selling this very well xD Alexandra has done fanart of a scene from this story and I'm still obsessed with it.

Emily - I know she has the same name as in Adira's story. These were originally connected, and now she's different. I'm still using this name but that will change in time (possibly to Amelie? idk). She deals with an eating disorder which Vaniah also helps her with. She's sweet and very gentle but has strong feelings. Vaniah perceives her as very pure and innocent, though this in fact is not quite true. She's been through somewhat herself, and her hope and faith are more out of determination than come easy.

I could ramble on about these two forever but I have somewhat done so before probably (you could check the tags. the tag #emily does cover both Emilies tho)

Side characters include: Ben (Emily's brother), Camilla (his wife), [name] (Vaniah's sister), uhhhhh there are probbably more I'm forgetting rn

Please ask me for any details or clarification or ask about anything to do with anything! :D