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somekindofhannibalcannibal · 13 days ago

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i will be reviewing and assigning a numerical rating all of the books in thomas harris' "hannibal lecter" series just to get my thoughts out there. this is a once in a lifetime event you can't miss it

red dragon: the first and best to do it. easily my favorite of the quartet. i’m sure everyone knows by now that despite often being advertised as the first ever appearance of iconic character hannibal lecter he doesn’t actually appear all that much in this one, and i don’t know if it’s my unavoidable pop cultural knowledge that makes his presence feel greater than it is here, but i definitely get why harris felt the urge to bring him back. at the same time it’s really interesting to see how his characterization noticeably differs from later installments, and how harris was probably seeing him as more of a mundane serial killer figure than the force of personality he would become. but speaking of the more prominent characters; i think the book version of will graham is a much more compelling protagonist than he’s given credit for. i feel like a lot of people think the show made him interesting but imo he’s already plenty interesting here. i really really love that he’s a protagonist in a crime thriller procedural novel who experienced a significant trauma related to his job some time back and is being called back for one more case…and while most stories in this genre would have him get over his past issues and heroically face down the killer at the climax, this book really emphasizes how much the act of killing another person will fuck you up. yes, even if you absolutely have to do it. the fact that it ends so bittersweetly (and that description is an optimistic interpretation) instead of a standard “the day is saved, hooray” really makes this book stand out. book will is just so much more compelling to me than the standard main character type in this kind of story even today, and while i of course am into his show counterpart’s arc of trying to reconcile his own urges towards darkness, i think the book version’s relationship with violence and what the book says about the act of killing is so important to the themes. if more crime thriller procedural novels were like this i would probably read a lot more of them. the amount of page time devoted to the killer’s point of view also feels unique - it’s a level of depth and humanization that villains in these kinds of stories rarely get, to the point that francis dolarhyde is arguably the novel’s second protagonist. some of his backstory is a little cliche at this point, like most of his issues being traced back to a single abusive parental figure, but a lot more interesting than the usual page-long motive rant you get at the end of these things. it’s clear this was written at a time when criminal psychology was really heating up in the popular consciousness and people would have been interested in exploring the subject in fiction. harris really knocked it out of the park with this one and i’d urge everyone who’s only seen the show and/or movies to read it. i give it 5 out of 5 dragons 🐲🐲🐲🐲🐲

the silence of the lambs: unfortunately, despite having a lot of the same strengths as its predecessor, you can’t recommend this book without a ton of caveats. for all its good points - and there are indeed many - the transphobia at the center of the novel’s plot just looms over everything else and it’s impossible to talk about it without discussing how that affects things. part of the problem may be that in contrast to the first book, we get next to nothing from the killer’s point of view and it really feels like harris found this character too much of an insane freak to be worth sympathizing with. but it’s also because this book devotes more time to its actual protagonist’s backstory and characterization, and those parts are great - clarice starling is a very well-done character who is shaped by her background much more than will (who we know comparatively very little about), so we get to delve into her story more, which enhances the narrative as we get to know her. i really like her singular focus on saving lives and her sense of identification with the victims, whether found dead or going missing, and how the book goes into detail on how her background informs that. we also get an increased role for hannibal, who really establishes his personality as we know it in his pov scenes. it’s not surprising audiences found his dynamic with clarice so intriguing; it’s definitely the most interesting to me in this context, full of ambiguities and unspoken admiration for each other that never goes beyond the separation of the prison walls. it ends a lot more straightforwardly happy than red dragon, but with a new, younger protagonist who’s already been through a lot, it feels a little more earned than it could have. (i still don't buy her romance with pilcher, though. the movie made the right choice in leaving that out and having her be unimpressed with his attempts at flirting over a murder investigation.) it’s just…the transphobia. possibly made worse by the novel’s multiple attempts to justify or excuse this portrayal, which just make the book even more uncomfortable to read. (also honestly sucks how many people to this day believe those excuses and will insist “it’s okay because the author said the character isn’t REALLY trans!” whenever they discuss the book or film. you can like something and acknowledge that it’s “problematic”, i thought we’ve been over this.) aside from that it’s mostly good. i give it 4 out of 5 screaming lambs 🐑🐑🐑🐑

hannibal: this one’s complicated. i definitely get why people think it should never have been written in the first place, and why they think hannibal as a character doesn’t work outside of his original context as a side character influencing things from inside a cell, and i’m also not sure i buy harris’ claims in the author’s note that he just felt like he had to revisit these characters one last time, no other reason…but i don’t think the book is totally awful. it’s more of a mixed bag than anything. don’t get me wrong, there’s plenty i didn’t like at all - most people focus on the ending, which i agree doesn’t work or feel properly built up to. i might have been more accepting of it if it didn’t feel so much like it was rushing to a conclusion after spending so much of the rest of its length (i think this is the longest book in the series?) on other things. but there’s other problems too. my biggest beef with it is how relatively little clarice really gets to do over the course of it, despite being such an iconic active protagonist in the previous book. the inciting incident of her storyline is another case of the book getting really uncomfortable to read in ways the author probably didn’t intend - i know this series has always been “copaganda” on some level in how it portrays the fbi as basically good and necessary and heroic, but this takes it to another level by showing clarice becoming disillusioned with the fbi because…well, they’re actually prosecuting her for an action that the media is portraying as another instance of racist police brutality, for SOME reason. i’ve ranted about this before but it’s not good and leaves a bad taste in your mouth for the rest of the novel. we’re a long way from “killing someone, even if you have to do it…is the ugliest thing in the world”, and i don’t like it much. this is also the point at which hannibal is pretty much a mary sue in the purest definition - he’s good at everything, never gets caught, smarter and more capable than almost everyone around him, and basically everything he does is justified somehow. it gets pretty ridiculous by the end.

that said…there’s also a surprising amount that i liked in this one. the sequences with hannibal in florence are probably the best in the book, and whenever we’re in hannibal’s pov the narration really indulges in lush descriptions and poetic prose that’s actually very lovely to read. whatever his real motives for writing this, i do think harris enjoyed the process. on the other side of the pond, mason verger is an absurdly over-the-top villain for us to hate and feel no remorse when he’s inevitably killed, but there’s something kind of fun about the almost campy excesses this book gets up to in its more lurid moments. i also really like margot as a character, even if the narration gets kind of weird about her sometimes, and although she's obviously written by a cishet man in 1999 i do think harris might have been sincerely trying to offer some better representation of queer characters this time around. (i also like show margot as her own character, but…we really should have been harder on the show for making her so acceptably, conventionally feminine. ah well) when i was first reading the books i went looking for older posts about them from people who weren’t focused on the show, trying to gauge if this one was worth reading at all. one account i looked through really didn’t like how clarice was written in it (and they were pretty much the only one talking at all about the ~problematic parts at the beginning of the book, and not just discoursing about the ending), but they did like the rest of it and suggested that this book might have been better if clarice wasn’t in it at all and hannibal was the only recurring character. and honestly…i kind of agree. leave clarice alone if this is what you’re going to do with her. hannibal is already the protagonist of this book and the italy plot with pazzi + the plot with the vergers is plenty of story for the rest. margot is the secondary protagonist in my heart. my thoughts on this book could be their own post at this point but yeah, mixed feelings. not sure i'd recommend it freely but i wouldn't write it off as just bad. i give it 3.5 out of 5 brutal moray eels 🐍🐍🐍.5 (there’s no eel emoji)

hannibal rising: the last and least. yeah this one’s not good. it’s rumored this was only written because dino de laurentiis threatened to have someone else do it and if that’s true…you can tell. it’s the shortest book in the series and harris was clearly trying to get the minimum requirement written to get this over with and be free of hannibal lecter forever. at least that’s how it felt. anyway i didn’t totally hate this one - i actually thought the first half of the book was pretty good for what it was, expanding on an already kind of dumb backstory detail established in the previous book but also creating what felt like a pretty believable portrait of a young hannibal, growing up in a house of nobility, preternaturally intelligent from a young age, having his life torn out from under him by an intense traumatic experience, and rebuilding himself years later into a cunning and dangerous man. however the book really falls apart when it gets to the revenge plot portion of the story, which is just not interesting or enjoyable to read about at all. it’s just him tracking down and killing a group of generic interchangeable bad guys who lack any redeeming qualities or even the entertaining aspects of a mason verger. where this book really fails is as the start of darkness for its main character that it’s billed as. it just doesn’t feel like a villain origin story when every person the villain kills is an irredeemable monster; when exactly does this righteous vengeance-fueled kid become The hannibal lecter, who casually murders anyone who bothers or bores him? lady murasaki’s “what is left in you to love?” line falls flat when he hasn’t even killed any innocent people yet. i’m not even going to touch on the weird pseudo-romance plot between him and his aunt. honestly the book could stand to be a little weirder. it’s like. i hate to say this but it’s like one of those live-action disney movies that purport to tell the story of one of their classic villains but are really just about au versions of those villains who are actually good.

well whatever. at least it’s still well-written on the level of its prose, even if it was under duress, and even though most people believe this book shouldn’t exist because hannibal is one of those characters who shouldn’t have any backstory (it does ruin the impact of the “nothing happened to me, i happened” line when there’s a whole book reducing him to a series of influences), it does give us at least something to go on when writing about his past for fanfic purposes. would be interested to see how the show would have handled this. i give it 2.5 out of 5 horses pulling chains to squish a man against a tree (extra half point for legit memorable imagery that inspired one of the show's best dream sequences) 🐎🐎.5

stay tuned for when i review the movie adaptations in similar fashion.

#hannibal books #my opinions (just opinions. not objective in any way)#based on me reading sotl before deciding to watch the show in 2020 and then reading red dragon after watching the first season #and then reading hannibal the novel after picking back up with the second season in 2022 #and then reading hannibal rising after finishing the show #i think the books are really interesting to talk about and i'm probably going to post about them more on here #the way that the show “remixes” them for adaptation is also really fascinating when you're familiar with the whole canon #such a unique horror franchise we have here

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everafter-life · 7 months ago

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Is there a reason you support those who call themselves transdisabled? It is not healthy for a completely able-bodied person to desire disability whether by not wanting limbs, wanting to be mentally ill, etc. This type of phenomenon is incredibly horrifying. It does not make sense to want to support someone who believes they should be in a wheel chair, missing an arm, blind, etc. I believe this to be an extreme type of body dysmorphia which would need intensive therapy to understand the psychological desire to be disabled. To me, and many people, this is not a widely accepted school of thought.

I’d like to hear your thoughts more on how you feel as not many blogs welcome the difference of opinion on many transIDs. That, and I have no interest in hearing from a child (assuming you are in fact 20). This is something I’d assume is more common in teenagers or preteens.

Much like other times I’ve replied to anyone asking or speaking, I’m going to organize this in a way so it can be legible on what exactly I’m focusing on, since sometimes people jump everywhere and that can get confusing for me.

“This is something I’d assume is more common in teenagers or preteens.”

From what I’ve seen, there are a lot more teens/preteens who do, at least vocally, support this stuff, it’s part of the reason I’m not too active in the community as an adult because it can feel quite odd and i don’t want minors to look up to me in a weird way or anything. The thought of that makes me so uncomfortable which is why when i tend to get a wave of notifications i quickly stop posting because that makes me feel odd (Plus people who mass report without even trying to explain their opinions)

“It is not healthy for a completely able-bodied person to desire disability whether by not wanting limbs, wanting to be mentally ill, etc.”

The first thing i want to talk about here is the “completely able-bodied person” part. Now i don’t doubt that able-bodied, neurotypical, mentally sound (with no better word i can think of myself) trans-abled people do exist, i also know that there are plenty of people who, if they’re labeled or not, do desire to become disabled. There is in fact a disability all on its own connected to this (Body Integrity Identity Disorder, aka BIID) but i assume you would be devoiding those with that disorder with stuff like this since most people do (i won’t be saying my opinion on that here since that doesn’t connect to the conversation at hand)

Next, the “It is not healthy” part. Now i cannot confirm nor deny that since i’m not a psychiatrist of any degree, but i don’t think something being “unhealthy” at any level should mean to ostracize and shun those with those thoughts and actions. It would be better to be able to have there be a place where those with those thought processes can be treated nicely (that can be put to interpretation since everyone would interpret it differently, even i’m not fully sure what it would mean)

“This type of phenomenon is incredibly horrifying.”

I do greatly understand this, i mean, sometimes the thought of it does still make me get weirded out for my disabilities, but then i remember that, no one knows someone better than themself. As long as people aren’t sending themself to the hospital due to doing something unsafely and unprofessionally, i don’t see much of an issue (which is personal, i know others will believe differently but i was raised to basically let people live their life)

“I believe this to be an extreme type of body dysmorphia which would need intensive therapy to understand the psychological desire to be disabled.”

As stated previously, there is a recognized disorder that is a form of dysphoria (by the medical definition) where one believes their body and/or mind doesn’t match your mental image, it does need a lot of therapy to lessen but currently we have no cure for it.

Although other than that, I’ve talked to people, both who do and don’t identify as transabled, that say they wish they were more/less disabled because it would make it so they were believed more about their issues of any kind, or because it would make their current life a lot less hard in any regard. It might be a psychological issue or not, but if people keep treating those who do believe they should be disabled as horrid people, then they will never be able to get any help at all (that is if they even want help, since you can’t force someone to get help, it never works)

I am 100% willing to listen to others beliefs and thoughts, i find it odd when people won’t

Unless it’s like.. saying someone should die because they were born a set way, that’s something i will never listen to because i don’t think people should be killed for how they were born/something they can’t control.

I’m sorry if this looks weird, i typed it on my phone’s note app because it’s easier for me to get thoughts out in there.

#pro transid #pro transx #transid #transx #transid safe #transabled #discourse #<- not really i don’t think but #Just in case you know #🌸🌈

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nostalgebraist-autoresponder · 2 years ago

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Title: By Nightfall

Author: Deborah Eisenstein

Rating: 3/5 stars

Clouds are good writing prompts

Clouds are good writing prompts! Who would have thought? (Well, I guess plenty of people.) In By Nightfall, clouds are used to good effect as a sort of minor deus ex machina. Which is fun, and also happens to work in thematic/structural terms because, well, clouds are one of those things about which you can't know everything -- they look very different depending on the angle from which you're viewing them, and when one is so close to the sky, it's (literally) difficult to know where one ends and the rest of the atmosphere begins. This is not especially consequential for the book except in its use of the "foreshadowing at night" device, but it's cute.

More importantly, the clouds function thematically as an archetypical breakdown of the kind of view that the narrator -- and the narrator's grandmother -- relies on (for different reasons), especially given that the disruptive forces are not actually of cloud origin. The disruption itself is the very cause of the friction between the two main characters, which is fine, but at this point, the clouds are no longer really relevant -- it could just as easily be any other disruptive force, or many of them -- and it's a little weird to find them reappearing at the end in a manner that feels almost gratuitous. I mean, there's nothing wrong with gratuitous, and here it's tied to the construction of this very strange, almost solipsistic view of the world that the narrator chooses to impose over everything else. So it's good in that it fits the thematic and character stuff, bad because it's yet another friction between things.

Oh, and let's talk about these characters, shall we?

I think there's something about the type of character the narrator is that I didn't quite buy -- how self-consciously "postmodern" he is, but how insecure and immature at the same time. The postmodernism is endlessly cute and jokey and clever, but often so cute and clever that it runs away from any real emotional weight or point, which is very much not the purpose of fiction -- at least, not as I understand it -- and so you get a sense of this guy who's sort of a show-off, but also a guy with little going for him except for the ever-shifting, ever-tenuous layers of "meta" upon "meta" upon "meta" that can be this grandiose, grandiloquent special snowflake all the time.

I guess it's hard for me to believe that, were I in this guy's position, I would use these same resources. Instead, I'd probably be focused entirely on the inescapable emotional dimension of the situation, that this was, for real, my grandmother, that I was suddenly in her fucking world, that I knew nothing about her or her world because I'd never given a shit before. It would be full of disgusting psychological moments like:

I keep telling myself to enjoy this. This is perfect! I've told myself so many times that this is perfect, this is what I wanted! It is perfect! But I still feel the deep, inexorable horror of my new self, even though I keep telling myself that it is perfect.

Which, I don't know, maybe does not mean a whole lot on its own, but sounds like something a person really in this situation might think, maybe? The guy's internal monologue is endlessly self-deprecating, and always a bit pompous and tinged with self-conscious irony, but also seems entirely focused on these highbrow, intellectual, "witty" ("meta") reframings of everything he sees and hears, and it's just not that interesting to me. The character is fun to read about, and his behavior is interesting, but his thinking is endlessly ironic and self-conscious, and so you never really get under the surface. It's a version of solipsism-as-egoism that I've never been able to buy -- this intense discomfort with one's self, but this unshakeable sense that all of one's horrible self is unique, special, and therefore necessary. Kind of unsatisfying.

The only real bright spot in this guy's pretty dull characterization is the way he grapples with his brother and his father -- the characters who do not interact with the weird world of his grandmother and her stories, and whose responses to that world seem (as far as they're shown to us) to be pretty reserved, matter-of-fact. Of course, their response is also simply "I hate that my father's a bastard," and I find that response less interesting than I should. (What does it mean? I don't know.) But there is a sense of real, grounded emotion attached to this, insofar as it's just that the guy is horribly upset that his father's a bastard, and doesn't care much about his "ability" to express it, or how well he does so.

This is a fascinating moment, because at the heart of it -- like all "cultural critique" I've ever seen -- is an almost complete lack of interest in engagement, in helping people, in acting on personal responsibility, in anything but the special snowflake's declaration of their specialness. The characters in this book can't stand one another, of course, because of the endless frictions of class and status and outlook between the cultured intellectual and the philistine (because "cultured" and "philistine" are more or less terms that mean almost nothing), and they can't stand one another because the characters feel the tug of the surface of life, the truism-haunted surface of class and status and outlook that characterizes these people -- and yet at the same time they want to know what this weird old woman's stories have to say.

She's rich and mean, but somehow still a "cultural elite," and the most significant thing about that is that she knows the truths of that status, and then tells those truths with a kind of red-hot integrity that fries the skin right off of everything these characters feel like "life is." She is, in other words, something of a truth-teller, and what's more -- and this is key -- she is not a cultural truth-teller; her "truths" are not the pillars of the culture she is part of. They're too weird, too strange, too much like "fairy tales" (which, as we all know, are not a part of the "great books" and "classics" beloved of the "cultured" characters here).

(Did you know: the Western literary canon is actually . . . ? The Voyage of the Dawn Treader. A complete coincidence that the boy who took the SATs and went to a good school would have read it.)

One of the (many) things this narrator is particularly uninterested in is doing the work of bridging the gap between himself and his relatives. It's like he thinks "I will notice these idiots won't like me because I'm all about how much smarter I am than them," and then that's it, he's done with the thing! There's no actual connection made, no working together to make the thing work, and no attempt to even create the thing. Maybe he doesn't have enough time to do this kind of work, but for some reason it feels like this is always the case -- that when it comes to his relatives, he simply refuses to make the effort.

"I try to focus on the knotwork, and how this family will never understand, and how it is my only salvation to sit here, at this moment, and compose a poem." Fine. That's a character choice, I guess.

"This family doesn't care about what I do. I just do my thing, then. I'm aloof. I'm disaffected. In any case, I don't have time for that kind of thing. I do my thing, then, with the utmost care and control." Fine. That's a character choice too.

But this is not a realistic character choice, is it? At no point in the book is there a realistic character choice. The guy's grandmother is someone who has a whole life outside of the impoverished and miserable suburban scene in which these guys live, and she's also a storyteller. If he's going to learn anything from her, well, one would imagine she's going to have something to say about how she tells her stories. But she does not. She doesn't have time. She will make the minimum effort. She will be a bit "abrasive," but she will not tell him anything he

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c-is-for-circinate · 4 years ago

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Wait, isn't "anti" stuff more like "anti-pedophilia" and stuff? Like, you have a point about anti-porn attitudes, but from what I've heard just "anti" on its own means against stuff like kid porn and incest porn and legitimately f*cked up sh*t like that.

Okay! So this, I think, is actually a great example of what I was talking about, and a really useful thing to understand. (CW rape, child abuse, etc)

Smarter people than me have written much better essays about why policing thoughtcrimes is a bad road to go down, and I will probably reblog some of them next time they cross my dash for more context. What I want to talk about is the trigger mechanism, the ‘oh, this looks like danger!!!’ immune response in how we look at different kinds of porn, and how that applies to anti culture.

Here’s the thing: I am anti-pedophilia. I think that, for most people, that’s a stance that largely goes without saying! Adults who prey on children are bad. I’m also against incest; relatives who prey on their family members are bad. Above all I oppose rape. Sexual predation of any kind is bad. In fact, I’d say that’s the most important item on the list. There is plenty of room to argue about where the lines are between ‘adult’ and ‘child’ and how teenagers fit in the middle, and there’s plenty of room to get historical about the lines between ethically terrible incest, distasteful-but-bearable “aristocratic inbreeding” between distant cousins, and the kind of consanguinity that tends to develop in a small town where everyone’s vaguely related to everyone else by now anyway. The core of the issue is consent, and it has always been consent. Pedophilia and incest are horrific because they are rape scenarios where the abuser has far more power and their victim far fewer resources to cope, both practically and emotionally; because harm to children is, to us as a culture, worse than harm to adults, for a lot of very valid reasons; and because they constitute betrayal of trust the victim should have been able to put in their abuser as well as rape--but they are all rape scenarios, and that’s why they’re awful.

These things are bad. It is good for us to have a social immune response system that recognizes these things when they’re happening and insists we step in. That is a good thing to develop! It helps us, as a society. It can help the people being victimized. It’s the same reason educators and childcare workers in the US are all mandated reporters, why we do background checks on people working near kids. These things happen, and they’re terrible, and it’s good that we try to be aware and prepared for them. (Though obviously studies show we’re a lot less good at protecting the vulnerable than we’d like to pretend we are.)

The question is: why does that same social immune response trigger, and trigger so angrily, in response to fiction?

Anti culture is fundamentally an expression of that social immune response. Specifically, it’s that social immune response when it is set off by a situation that, while it has some similarities to the very bad real-life crime of sexual predation including pedophilia and incest, is in and of itself harmless.

If you’re instinct is to flare up in anger or dismissiveness because I’m calling these things harmless, I want to ask you to just take a deep breath and bear with me for a bit longer. What you’re feeling right now is an allergic reaction.

Humans tell and read and listen to stories about “legitimately fucked up shit” all the time. It’s part of the human condition. It’s part of how we process those things happening, not just to use, but to other people in the world around us. It’s part of how we process completely unrelated fucked-up shit, playing with fears and furies and insecurities that we all have, through so may layers of fiction that we don’t even recognize them any more, playing with power dynamics in metaphor and making characters suffer for fun. Aside from the fact that literally all stories do this to some extent or another; aside from the fact that drawing lines between ‘ok that’s good storytelling’ and ‘that’s too fucked-up to write about’ is arbitrary, subjective, and dangerous in its own right; aside from all of that, these stories are stories. All of them.

Even the ones about rape, about incest, about pedophilia. They’re words on a page. No real children were harmed, touched, or even glanced at in the making of this work of fiction. This story, pornographic though it may be, is part of a conversation between consenting adults. (And if a teenager lies about their age to consent, that is a different problem altogether.)

Stories in and of themselves, no matter what they’re about, are no more dangerous than a crate full of oranges. Which is to say: utterly harmless, unless all you have to eat is oranges, all day every day, and you find yourself dying slowly of nutrient deficiency--which is why representation matters. Or unless someone wields one deliberately, violently, as a tool to cause harm, and someone gets acid in their eye--which is the fault of the person holding the orange. And unless you happen to be allergic to citrus.

The key here is this twofold understanding: First, the thing that hurts you can also have value to others. Real, legitimate value. Whether you’ve undergone trauma and certain story elements are straight-up PTSD triggers or you just don’t like orange juice, that story, those tropes, that crate of oranges may be somewhere between icky and fundamentally abhorrent--but we understand that that is still your reaction. Even if you don’t understand how anybody could ever enjoy it; even if every single person you surround yourself with is as sensitive and disgusted and itchy about this thing that makes your eyes hurt and your throat stop working as you; that doesn’t make it true for everyone. That doesn’t make oranges poisonous. No real children were involved in the writing of this story. It is words on a page.

But, secondly: the thing that has value to others can also hurt you. Just because a story isn’t inherently poison doesn’t mean it can’t cause you, personally, pain. That’s what a PTSD trigger is: an allergic reaction, psychological anaphylaxis, a brain that’s trying so hard to protect its own from a threat that isn’t actually present (but was once, and the brain is trained to respond) that it causes far more harm and misery than the trigger itself possibly could. And no, it’s not just people with PTSD who sometimes get hurt by stories. There are many, many ways a story can poke the part of your brain that says, this is Bad, I don’t like this, I don’t want to be here. The story is still, always, every time, pixels on a screen and ink on paper. The story causes no physical harm. But it can poke your brain into misery, it can stir up your emotions, it can make you want to cringe and run away. It can make you want to scream and fight and go after the author who brought this thing into existence. It can make you hurt.

This is an allergic reaction. This is your brain and body, your reflexes and instincts, trying to protect you from something that isn’t really happening. And just like a literal allergic reaction, it can do actual harm to you if it gets set off. This is real. The fact that stories can upset you to the point of pain and mental/emotional injury is real, even though it’s coming from your own brain and not the story itself. There are stories you shouldn’t read. There are stories I shouldn’t read, regret reading, will never read, because they hurt me. That doesn’t mean they’re the same stories that would hurt you. That doesn’t mean they don’t have value.

And, finally:

If getting upset about stories is fundamentally an individual person’s allergic reaction, their brain freaking out and firing off painful survival instincts in the face of a thing that isn’t, in and of itself, a threat? Then the anti movement is a cultural allergic reaction.

Fandom as a whole has a pretty active immune system, which doesn’t mean we have a good immune system. We try very hard to be aware of all the viruses and -isms and abuse and manipulation and cruelty, both systematic and individual, that exists around and within our community. We’re primed and ready to shout about things at all times. The anti movement is that system, that culture, screaming and shouting and fighting at a harmless thing on a grand scale. It wants to stop that thing, that scary awful thing that trips all of its well-primed danger sensors, at all costs. It’ll swell up and block off our airways (our archives) if it has to. It’ll turn on the body it came from. It’s scared and protective and trying to fight, and it’s ready to fight and destroy itself.

Luckily, fans and fanfic and fandom and fan culture are a lot bigger and older than they often get credit for, and it’s not like these cultural allergies are anything new. We could talk about shippers and slashers in the X-Files fandom in the 90s. We could talk about the birth of fandom in the days of Star Trek. We could talk about censorship and book burning going back centuries. We survived that and we’ll survive this, too.

But god, does the anti movement my throat and eyes itch. Man is it irritating, and sometimes a little suffocating, to realize how many stories just aren’t getting told out of fear of what the antis will say. And that’s the real danger, I think. What are we losing that would have so much value to someone? What are we missing out?

#fandom #anti culture #anti-anti #I guess?#asked and answered #you are not WRONG or BAD or BROKEN if a story hurt you #but neither is the story #Anonymous #anti discourse day

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sweetbillwriting · 2 years ago

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The Stranger I Love

Friendship Never Ends - Part 7

Characters: AU Axel Cluney (Zeitgeist) from Deadpool 2 played by Bill Skarsgård. The rest is my own original characters.

Warnings: 18+, smut, drugs, alcohol, drunkeness, mentions of suicide, toxic relationships, psychological abuse.

Notes: This chapter will also have heavy themes. I think it might be two chapters left now of this story.

I had promised Axel I’d meet him so we could go to the optician together. He was nervous about it and it was really sweet to see a guy like him getting nervous for a simple thing like doing an eye check. I stood by the parking lot and shifted between looking towards the entrance door he would come out from and his old car. It was strange to think that he shared it with his girlfriend. A girl I had seen some pictures of but never met. Maybe the most important person in his life. She was pretty and looked like a free loving person. I pictured Axel and her having done some wild things together. I had already overheard him telling his friend Wes about a threesome he had had with her and her friend. He didn't look so amused when he spoke about it and for me it was an indication that he probably has done those sorts of things plenty of times before. Me on the other hand, I have done much less. Many believed me to be more experienced than I was because I was more "alternative" and yeah, I had been to many concerts, big parties and wasn't unfamiliar with alcohol and weed but when it came to sex I wasn't as wild as people thought. I had the same boyfriend for many years, we met in school and our sex life continued to be as innocent as it was when we were seventeen. It wasn't even a guess that Axel was more experienced than I.

He came out from the entrance door together with Wes and they talked about something with neutral expressions, the lecture probably. The both of them were completely dressed in black, just like me. Axel flashed a big smile when he saw me and I smiled kindly to both him and Wes.

"Hey…" said Axel like the word came out fast but he then didn't know how to end the sentence. He often called me all different kinds of pet names, everything from honey to Trixie after Bellatrix in Harry Potter. We had a marathon with Wes and my friend Lucy at my place and after that I became Bellatrix for him. Some maybe would take offense but I got why he called me that.

Wes probably felt the room because he also said hello to me and gave me a friendly hug, that made it okay for Axel to hug me too. I felt his fingers linger on my coat, stroking the soft fur like material.

"This feels like a cat! Have you killed Shadow or Dark?" Axel said and continued to pat my arms. I gave him a pointed smile.

"No, this is made of a plastic cat I think," I said but let Axel continue to pet my arms. Wes sighed and rolled his eyes.

"Sometimes it really feels like you have smoked some fine ass shit before lectures," he said and watched Axel amused while Axel's eyes were transfixed on my jacket.

"So Theo, Saturday at your place?" Wes continued and ignored Axel.

"Yeah, nothing complicated, just pizza and some wine. I should say hello from Lucy, she had to hurry to her job."

It wasn't a secret that there was something happening between Wes and my friend Lucy and it made our friendly hang outs a bit more complicated.

Axel and I said goodbye to Wes and then walked to his car together. We discussed the plan for Saturday, our studies and also my brothers' interests in cars. It was never hard for me to talk to Axel and I often found myself telling him stuff I hadn't really told anyone else but the closer we came to the optician the less Axel talked. His large eyes were telling and I could see the nervousness in them.

"They will just show you letters and pictures to see what kind of glasses you need. And then you will try different frames. I think something rounder will suit you."

Axel parked the car and looked at me.

"Why do you think that?" He asked curiously and then looked at his reflection in the rear view mirror.

"I don't know, your forehead is quite squared and you don't really have much roundness to your face so I think round frames would soften your features."

Axel listened closely and continued to look at his face. It always felt like Axel listened to me like I knew all the world's secrets. I knew that he would get round glasses, he always listened to me.

Axel didn't have to stand out so much when he walked into the store but with his nervous clumsiness everyone looked at him, he even walked into a spinning rack but his fast reflexes saved it from falling down on the floor. I took his hand in mine to calm him down. I smiled at him, both to sooth him but also because it was quite endearing to see him like that.

The eye check wasn't at all as scary as Axel had thought and I could see he was excited to try on frames when the optician told him that he could do that. The optician smiled a bit amused at Axel's excitement.

"And your girlfriend can help," she suddenly said and smiled at me.

"Oh I'm not…" I said but Axel interrupted.

"I have a girlfriend! That isn't her. Another girlfriend. another girl I mean," he stuttered. The optician smiled uncomfortably and took her chance to walk into her office again. Axel looked around in the store like he felt some sort of panic and played with a ring on his index finger.

"Should you try something," I asked carefully to kill the uncomfortable silence and Axel's growing anxiety. He nodded a little but it took almost ten minutes for him to become normal again.

One of my black big tea mugs became dwarfed by Axel's big tattooed hand. He held it like a regular coffee cup while I held mine with both hands. We sat on my dark gray couch which was surrounded by many of my plants. Axel looked around the room. He always did that, like it was some exotic place but I knew he just liked the space. He had told me about his apartment he had before moving in together with his girlfriend. It had been more like my place and even had a dark green wall to contrast with the white. He took a heavy gulp of his tea and then made a content sound. We both sat with our legs up on the couch and his sock clad foot touched my knee.

"So how many years were you together?" He continued our talk about my ex.

"Eight years," I said and played with the hem of his pant leg.

"That's a really long time. Shit, but I guess, it can't be that hard with you."

I smiled a little and picked up my mug from the coffee table.

"We just became too comfortable. He just played online games all the time and I just… Stopped taking care of myself. I got depressed and restless."

Axel nodded a little.

"I really love your apartment." He often changed subjects fast but I had become used to his jumpy thoughts.

"About that, can't you build some sort of pedestal I can have there?" I pointed to an empty corner. "Something in dark wood where I can have many plants."

"Are you giving me work?" he said and smiled.

"I will of course pay you for it." I caressed his leg and Axel watched my hand but it never traveled higher than his knee.

"How?" He said and liked his lips while watching my hands and then my low neckline. I would never confess to anyone that I wore a low neckline to get his attention. I felt bad about how much I craved his attention.

"With money?" I said even if I wondered if he wanted me to give him a flirty response. Axel smiled and nodded.

"You can design it," I said and let go of his legs, but "fixed" my dress so a bit of my black bra peaked up from the neckline. Axel sat quiet, smiled and looked between my face and the silky black material.

"Why did you and your ex break up?" He said and took a sip from his tea and I did the same before I answered.

"I broke up with him. But he didn't take it so well…" I said and looked down in my mug. Axel could probably see that I didn't say everything because he just sat and waited on me to continue.

"He posted my… nude pictures online as revenge…" I had gotten over it enough that I didn't cry anymore but I couldn't look at Axel because of the embarrassment.

I heard him breath loudly.

"Seriously?" He asked out of breath and I just nodded.

"I'm going to fucking kill that fucking…" Axel sounded really angry and when I looked up he had such a tight grip around the mug it looked like he would break it.

"Axel? Hey, hey. Breath." I crawled closer to him without touching him even if my own heart was beating hard in my chest.

"That little fucking shit! What the fuck is his name?!" He stood up and threw the mug on the floor but fortunately it didn't break.

"Axel… I want you to stop screaming, you're scaring me…" I said with a low voice but looked right at him. It made Axel stop like he noticed his own behavior and instead he closed his eyes and started to breath. He sat down again and I couldn't hold my tears back. Axel looked at me when he had came down from his angry state. His eyes were shiny and when I hugged him he cried too.

"I'm sorry… I'm so sorry… I'm so sorry Theo… Baby…"

I hushed him and kissed his cheeks.

"I didn’t want to scare you baby… I don't want to… Please… I'm really trying to not be so angry…" He stuttered out of breath.

"I know, but breathe with me now Axel. I feel that your heart beats so fast and mine does too so now we should breathe. Do you know how to breathe in a square?" I asked with a hand on his chest. He nodded. I took his hand in mine and together we drew a square in the air while we breathed. Slowly the both of us calmed down and stopped crying. When I was sure Axel was calm I gave him a hug.

"I know you don't want to scare me. And I know you're working on it. But for now, it's something that you must focus on, okay? Don’t think about the future, just heal."

He nodded a little with shiny eyes then hugged me again.

We sat still for a long time, breathed together and looked deep in each other's eyes. When Axel felt he was totally calm he brought up the subject again.

"So what happened to the pictures?"

"My dad made him take them down but he still has them and I don't know if anyone else has downloaded them…"

Axel sighed and played with my hand in his.

"My ex, Zoey," he pointed at the tattoo on his bicep. "She got into porn… we both were models but she had trouble getting jobs and then some asshole got her into porn… I was so young… She was so young. I had a hard time not feeling like she was cheating on me so I was angry all the time and…" he talked fast and upset so I laid my hand on his chest again and made him breathe with me. After a while he was ready to talk again.

"I didn't see how broken she was… I couldn't see how she was used and she wasn't cheating on me, she was being used… Then I found her… She took her life. She took a cocktail of any drug she could find and… She was gone. And I was too angry and jealous to see how broken she was…"

I dried his tears with my thumbs.

"It wasn't your fault honey, it was their fault, the ones that used her. You couldn't know and if you did you couldn't have stopped her. If you could have, your mere existence would have stopped her."

Axel looked me deep into my eyes and nodded. His eyes were red from tears just like his nose and cheeks. He nodded again. We sat quietly for a while again until I felt I could speak again.

"Are all the names you have tattooed on you, your exes?"

Axel laughed a little.

"No, no… Zoey is actually the only one. Rebecca was a girl I fucked sometimes that got pissed when she saw my Zoey tattoo. Frida was a friend, until I hit her boyfriend but that's another story and Mateo was a dude that sucked my cock. Misha, my girlfriend. Do I have any more? Oh! Alexis, a girl that thought she was my girlfriend while I thought she was a friend with benefits… So yeah…"

I looked at him and smiled a little, even if I felt quite strange about a guy having so many names on his body. It felt even more strange only visibly seeing three of them. Where did he have the other tattoos?

"But I'm thinking about doing some cover ups. It feels weird having people's names on my body that don't even want to have contact with me,"

I nodded again and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

"It feels like I get to see you become an adult," I said teasingly. Axel gave me a goofy smile.

"As if I will ever be an adult!"

With Axel in my life, time went by fast and it was Saturday in no time. Lucy came before the boys and we ordered the pizzas when the boys were on their way. We had ordered several with different toppings, most of them vegan. We had already opened a bottle of wine and sat and listened to 90s classics. On an empty stomach the wine had already started to take an effect on me and I sang along to "Mm Bop" with a silly voice. I was happy, it felt like the night would be really great. Axel had said the day before that he wasn’t sure if he could come or not. We all knew that meant his girlfriend might be home but then it suddenly changed and he said he would come. If he didn't I would probably cancel, Wes and Lucy more or less acted like a couple.

Lucy looked at me while she played with her red hair. It was newly dyed and it stood out in my somber living room.

"Did you hear that he invited her to the school? She’s coming on Tuesday to meet us," she said. She talked about Axel and his girlfriend and it made me stop singing at once.

"No?"

"Wes said it today, Axel had asked her yesterday. And she said yes… Does that feel okay for you?"

"Of course!" I said fast to cover up my real feelings. "Axel and I are just friends. I would love to meet her. Totally."

I didn't want to meet her. I didn't want to see what she looked like, I didn't want to see her with Axel and I definitely didn't want to pretend that I wasn't inlove with her boyfriend.

Lucy nodded but looked at me worried.

"It's okay if you think it is hard. You two really have chemistry and… He is an ass that plays around with you. I love Axel but I can't see why he doesn't break up with her."

I sighed and looked at my deep purple nails, not to see how they look but to have something else to look at instead of Lucy's worried face.

"I think it's because of what I've said to him. I don't think he should make too many changes right now. He's working on himself and maybe he will change his mind if he does something drastic."

"Did you say that to him?"

"I said he should focus on his own journey and not do anything drastic."

Lucy nodded a little and took a sip of her wine. I patted Dark's little head to keep from being engulfed by Lucy's silence. I sometimes regretted that I tried to be all good, not cross any lines and encourage Axel to do the right thing. In reality I just wanted him naked, me on my knees in front of him and worshiping him like a god.

The doorbell buzzed and I stood up fast to open it. Either it was Wes and Axel or it was the pizza delivery. I opened the door and met Wes’ face and then I looked up to see Axel's face adorned with his new glasses.

"Hey, come in," I said and tried to sweep away mine and Lucy's conversation. I smiled at Axel while they took their jackets and boots off.

"I love your glasses."

Axel smiled.

"I love your sweater," he said and I giggled a bit. We had the same sweater on, deep green knitted ones we had bought at a little boutique together. I wore it as a dress over a pair of leggings while he wore it with his trashed black jeans.

"That's cute," said Lucy and giggled a bit while Wes laid his arm around her.

Axel looked down at his sweater and fixed his round tortoise shell patterned glasses.

"My girlfriend didn't like it, or the glasses. She thought I looked like a dork."

"You, a dork? Come on, I have never seen a guy wearing a wife beater on campus before!" Said Wes and made an ironic shocked face.

Axel shrugged his shoulders and looked away. I knew he had a bad conscience when talking about his girlfriend but I knew he also needed people to tell him that she was wrong. He worried about their relationship and I also knew he thought about ending it because of me but also because of his own sanity.

The rest of the night was fun and chill like it always was when the four of us were together. We ate, we drank, we shared our most embarrassing stories about alcohol, sex and public humilitation. Axel and Wes tried to rap as good as Lucy To Gansta's Paradise and we all ugly danced to Wannabe.

When Lucy and Wes started to make out, me and Axel gave each other a look and fled out to the balcony. Even if we both had thick sweaters on I snatched a blanket we could share. When we sat on the bench I had on the balcony I spread the blanket out over our legs. Axel lit a cigarette which we shared between us. I watched his profile while he blew out the smoke from his pouty lips. He probably felt me looking because he turned to me and gave me a wandering look. If it had been different this would have been a perfect moment to kiss. To let our wine stained lips meet and mix our flavors together.

"You okay,” Axel asked while passing me the cigarette. I took it from his long fingers and put it between my lips. I took a drag so I could think about an answer, instead I came up with a question.

"So your girlfriend… You invited her to see the school?" I really tried to sound natural but I guessed it didn't matter, Axel knew how I felt anyway.

"Yeah… If I should try, I should try, you know. And I think it's a good start to let her see where I spend my days."

He didn't look at me, instead he watched the cigarette between my fingers and when he had finished the sentence he snatched it from me.

"Yeah absolutely…" I said with a low voice and played with the hem of my sweater. Axel dragged a finger over the back of my hand and drew a heart.

"It won’t change anything… But you said I should give it a try. That I couldn't just break up with her."

I looked up and met his big eyes. He furrowed his brows a bit and the darkness under his eyes were more distinct than they used to be.

"I know… I just want you to think this through. Feel if you really want to let her go."

He breathed out heavily as I continued to look at his face. He looked up at the starlit sky and took a deep breath while the wind played with the stray lock of hair that had broken free from his messy sidepart.

"I will give it a chance, to be honest I hope she and I will end this in a good way and for that to happen I guess I should first make it less bad," he said and closed his eyes. I admired his face and his adam's apple that bobbed in his throat.

"That sounds fair. You should end it on good terms if that is what you want."

He lowered his chin and looked at me.

"I think you know what I want."

After that night my contact with Axel became just less and less. It started with him messaging that his girlfriend wouldn't come to school then he became more or less quiet. I didn't hear from him and I didn't see him on campus. I tried to talk about it with Wes but it seemed like he didn't really know either. I worried that he and his girlfriend had talked through everything and everything was good again. Maybe it was so good he would marry her and get her pregnant. I tried to stop the imagines of Axel fucking her so hard the bed shook but I couldn't stop my thoughts. I wanted to hit myself, a really hard slap for not just kissing him when I had him. I should have just said he should break up with his girlfriend and claimed him as mine. It took two weeks for Wes to feel like he needed to tell me the truth. We sat together with Lucy at a coffee shop close to campus when he became tired of my worried, anxiety babble about Axel.

"He and his girlfriend broke up. He just needs time for himself." Wes said and interrupted my worried thoughts. I looked up at him from my coffee mug.

"They broke up a few days ago but it has been a lot for him before that so he hasn't felt it would be right to contact you."

"Oh…" I didn't get anything out more than that. I felt a bit stupid for worrying that much and I didn't know if I could be happy Axel was single now.

"Give him some time. They have to deal with the house and all that. And the cats. He's really worried he won't get them."

I nodded, I was a cat parent too so I knew how much they meant even if many others saw them as just cats.

"I will give him time. I know he must do this on his own. Especially because he has other things to work on at the same time."

Both Wes and Lucy nodded. Lucy had been more or less quiet before that but now I noticed that she couldn't shut up anymore.

"You will get him in the end. In a few months he will be yours. You don't need to worry."

The time without Axel was lonely. For several weeks I didn't see him. He just wrote one text in the middle of December when my mood was just as dark as the December days.

I just need some time. I miss you.

It was short but it was everything I needed. I knew now that he was okay and that he thought about me, even missed me. Nothing else mattered. But it was lonely without him. I found myself looking towards the entrance to the library. Through the glass doors I could see the coffee shop. The library wasn't in the same building as his lecture hall and the building I had my lectures in was even further away. The chance for me to run into him was small and even if we could I didn't know if it was a good idea. If he wanted time he would get it. But I still hoped to see him, just to see if he was okay. To see if he smiled, being his own hyperactive self or if he was a shadow of his former self. Maybe the break up was really hard on him and he would give up his studies and all the progress he had made.

Axel never came through the doors and the university closed for the holidays. I started to give up on seeing him again and focused on Christmas with my family, even if Axel's father lived just a bit of a walk away from my parents. It was a white Christmas that year and my parents' manor looked idyllic with glistening snow. When I mentioned that my parents lived in a manor most people imagined some sort of haunted house, with bats and broken windows. Maybe they had that thought because of my looks but my parents house was painted white and well maintained. You were welcomed with white pillars that held up a big balcony. It was beautiful, with the big yard that now was just as white as the house, decorated with fir trees and red ribbons. When people saw where I had been raised they understood I was the rich girl, it was just that I was far from the stereotypical rich girl. Axel had also probably understood my background when I told him where I had been raised but he didn't even raise an eyebrow. He never judged.

His father owned land in the area but it seemed like the money was locked there. His house wasn't big and mostly seemed to be repaired by Oscar Cluney's own hands. I remembered Axel as a bad boy as a teen. The guy that took big risks and charmed all the girls. I wondered if young Axel would have even looked at me twice. But Axel wasn't that cool guy I had thought he was. He was broken and not in that charming way bad boys in teen movies were. He had carried years of anger within him that had messed up his life and relationships. But now he had finally begun to work on it. He finally started to break free from all the anger, shame and sorrow. I hoped that the break up wouldn't mess that up. He was such a great guy behind all that baggage. A sensitive, creative man carrying a broken boy inside of him.

My family celebrated Christmas like we always had, with our old grandma, the dogs inside with my cats and a lot of food. We ate the traditional food but as a dessert we always ate ice cream. Nothing fancy at all with cheap store bought cookies. It had become a tradition when my brothers were young and picky. Me and my youngest brother fought about the last caramel cookie when suddenly a well known face looked in through the entrance to the living room. Axel wearing a black beanie and freshly shaved. I immediately stopped nagging about the last cookie and felt my heartbeat in my chest. I could feel the heat in my face, from the candle light but also from embarrassment and adrenaline seeing him in my home.

"Hey, sorry for just stopping by… but Merry Christmas," he said nervously fidgeting with his leather gloves in his hands.

"Merry Christmas!" Said my father and raised his whiskey glass like Axel was an old friend. My mother smiled a little and explained to my grandma that Axel was just a friend of mine.

"Are you Santa?" My oldest little brother asked with a joking tone.

"Just for your sister," said Axel suggestively and then laughed nervously because it had probably just slipped out.

I stood up from my chair but snatched the caramel cookie before walking over to Axel. My brother protested loudly and I gave him that bitchy look I rarely gave anyone else. Axel looked at me amused and with… attraction?

When I was close to him he said with a low voice;

"Sexy bitch," he smirked and laid a hand on my waist. I laughed a little and gave him half of the cookie and laid the other hand on his chest that was covered by his black bomber jacket. Already I noticed he was now single.

"Can we talk alone somewhere," he asked and took my hand in his and ate the cookie in one bite.

I nodded a little and took him to my old bedroom. It wasn't the typical rich girl bedroom either. It was mostly painted white with black details. It was simple with just some Tim Burton pictures on the wall. On the bookshelf stood books like Twilight and Divergent.

Axel took a walk around my room.

"Is this yours?"

"Yeah, I should move out everything one day but my parents aren't in a hurry either. They have so much space."

Axel nodded a little then sat down on the bed. "I guess you heard I'm single."

I sat down next to him and put a pillow in my lap to fidget with.

"Yeah, how are you?" He looked at me and smiled a little.

"I've got the cats so I'm good. She’s moved out now and… It feels good. Like it was for the best."

I smiled and noticed when he looked at my velvet dress.

"You are really hot today. Beautiful I mean." He said and zipped down his jacket and took off his beanie. He had the green sweater, over a black button up. It was a new look on him but he looked so good in it.

"You too… Baby," I called him, trying out a nickname for lovers. Axel breathed out then he kissed me hard. He didn't even try to hold back as he kissed me passionately. It felt like hot fuzzy soda ran down through my mouth to my pussy. He held my face with one hand while the other lay on my waist. I held my hands on his thighs and we kissed like that for a while then he looked down breathless and I knew what he was thinking.

"Discrete isn't your thing, right?" I said teasingly and pressed my boobs together. His eyes were transfixed at my cleavage, he licked his lips and looked up at me like a dog asking permission to take his food.

"Go ahead baby boy," I said teasingly and Axel made an animalististic sound before he just pushed down my dress from my arms and pulled it down along with my bra. I wasn't prepared for how fast he did that and laughed a little when he strongly gripped my breasts and stuffed his face between them.

"You don't know how long I’ve wanted to do this." I could barely hear him while he pushed his face into my chest, sniffing the skin and then taking a nipple into his mouth. I gave him a moan as an answer and chose to focus on what he did instead of what he said. He continued to caress and lick my nipples and dragged it between his teeth just so much that it sent a thrill through my body. I leaned back and dragged my fingers through his slicked back hair, pulling in it hard to gain a reaction. He worked his lips up to my mouth and kissed me longingly until I found myself on my back with him half on top of me.

"You know I love you right?" He said with a raspy voice and looked straight into my eyes, even if my chest was exposed and one of my breasts laid heavy in his tattooed hands. I giggled a little, of joy but also of the whole situation. Downstairs my family was celebrating Jesus' birth while I had a grown man sucking my tits and poking me with that monster between his legs.

"I love you too Axel, so so much."

We were forced to end our light foreplay when my youngest brother knocked on the door to ask us if we wanted to play his new video game. I was shocked when Axel answered with enthusiasm.

"If I’m going to be your boyfriend, I should impress the family, right?" He smirked and helped me fix my dress. He even started to fix my hair for me. I smiled a little but then fixed my hair and make-up by the silver mirror on the wall.

"Is there a bathroom close by?" Axel asked and put a hand down his pants. Like I said, discretion wasn't his thing.

"Just out the door, the first door to the right."

Axel smirked a little then he leaned forward to kiss my lips. After that he gave my breast each a kiss. I pushed away his head with a laugh.

"Dirty boy, get your act together now. I promise you, they will stay where they are."

Axel made a roar and bit the air before vanishing out from the door.

When I was alone I took a deep breath. I could still feel my wetness in my panties and a stinging on my nipples from Axel's biting. I looked at myself in the mirror. He made me feel so sexy, like I actually was worthy of him and I loved the feeling. He made me proud of who I was.

#bill skarsgård #bill skarsgard #fan fiction #writing #story #fiction #bill skarsgård writing #bill skarsgård fanfiction #axel cluney

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clairiere · 4 years ago

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SFX interview with Pedro Pascal

The latest issue (Jan. 2021) of SFX magazine carries a 2-page interview, which took place after the S2 premiere (technically right after The Passenger). It’s pretty good, and insightful given what took place.

This Charming Mando

Shortly after the launch of the second episode of season two, SFX caught up with the Mandalorian himself, Pedro Pascal, speaking from Budapest.

words: Adam Tanswell

There are tons of fun and interesting ways that The Mandalorian ties into Star Wars canon. Are you aware of all the Easter eggs when you’re working on the show?

There’s plenty that are pointed out to me and there’s plenty that are obvious, but I think it would be impossible for me to remember them all. On top of the Easter eggs, what I love the most is the reference to very speciﬁc genres of cinema.

Can you give us an example of that from the second season?

For season two, the set of the second episode [“The Passenger”] was the ﬁrst set that I walked on to. It was this shipwrecked Razor Crest on this snowy set, and I’d seen the illustrations of the spiders that were so incredible. The spiders hatching out of those eggs were right out of Alien. Working on the show ﬁres off all of these references to me. And then, of course, there are the speciﬁc references to the Star Wars past as well. It’s impossible to keep up with everything, but it’s endlessly fascinating.

What did you enjoy the most about working on the ﬁrst episode of season two, “The Marshal”?

Working with Timothy Olyphant and being on Tatooine with Jon Favreau was incredible. I don’t know if I’m allowed to say this, but you wouldn’t believe the kind of rehearsal that the three of us had early on for that episode, in order to understand and block a sequence. You know the scene where we’re in the bar and then we step out to the main square of the town to see the Krayt Dragon? We had to rehearse it virtually ﬁrst. We put on these mechanisms [VR headsets] with remote controls where we were literally able to be in a virtual world. We were actually able to rehearse it all before getting on the set. We were able to physically block the scene, which was crazy to me.

How would you describe the relationship between the Mandalorian and the Child in season two?

Through all of the action, adventure and special effects of the show, the core of it is this relationship between the Mandalorian and the Child. In spite of, and within, the largeness of it all, their story gets more intimate and deeper, which is the ultimate risk for somebody like the Mandalorian. It’s a huge risk to be vulnerable and to develop attachments, so it’s a very special relationship that we see unfold this year.

How does it feel to share the spotlight with the Child?

Honestly, it’s been an amazing experience because you get to witness a very, very unique show come to life. This isn’t my diplomatic answer; I mean this sincerely. To be part of a project like this is a unique experience for everyone, but I don’t think it’s appropriate for me to take the position as the central star because it’s not just me. There’s the Child and many, many others involved. There’s the incredible Industrial Light & Magic people, who have created this character of the Child that everyone has fallen in love with. Plus, there’s the production design team and every single department that’s involved in creating this experience, along with Jon Favreau and Dave Filoni, who are the ultimate parents of this show.

Talking of whom, what’s it like to work with Jon Favreau and Dave Filoni at the helm on a day to day basis?

The success of the show is because of their storytelling skills, as well as their fascination and their very, very, very pure love of Star Wars. It’s funny, because I have to ﬁgure out to the best of my abilities where I can contribute to achieve the success of it in every way. I saw images for the show when they were ﬁrst talking to me about the project. Back then, I saw illustrations of the Child and it was the reason why I said yes to the project.

Have there been any changes to your iconic costume in season two to make it more comfortable for you?

The costume actually got a little heavier in season two. We ended the ﬁrst season with him upgrading his armour. In order to have a more cinematic shine on the breastplate, it meant that some pieces were a little heavier than last year’s version

What are the themes and underlying messages of the second season that resonate with you the most?

These are very classic tales of good and evil, and how it all exists inside of us. It’s also about the journey towards the light, if that makes any sense. With my character speciﬁcally, I love that there’s this ruthless person whose physical identity is kept from the world around him – and possibly a psychological identity that’s kept from himself – but he starts to discover himself through this relationship with a vulnerable but very powerful creature. He follows his heart and does the right thing, no matter how it is against one’s practice or creed or what’s convenient. For me, that would be the prevailing message. It’s a much more intimate message than the broad strokes that can be painted onto the story as a whole. On a basic level, it’s about ﬁghting for good.

It’s a huge deal to be such an iconic part of the Star Wars universe. Were you ready for the fame and attention that comes along with a project like this?

To be honest, I think it would be challenging for any human being. I’ve certainly been navigating how to honour being part of something as iconic as this to the best of my ability. It’s deﬁnitely a challenging, intimidating and exciting experience. It’s all of those things.

You play an iconic hero in The Mandalorian, but who were your heroes when you were growing up?

I had so many heroes. I would have to say my parents are my obvious heroes for ushering in the introduction of so many heroes, either through cinema or literature. And I continue to add more and more people to the list. As a child, Indiana Jones was deﬁnitely my personal hero. And as I got older, I remember the writer James Baldwin really, really inﬂuenced my mind and my life. I introduced myself to his writing when I was around 19 years old and he has deﬁnitely been a hero to me.

How does it feel to be a Star Wars hero?

I think it’s a beautiful thing because I can see the effect of a show like this on the children of my friends. It isn’t anything like I’ve experienced before. I love to see the look on their face if their parents tell them, “This is the Mandalorian”. There’s usually some confusion at ﬁrst, because there isn’t a lot of association to this face as far as the role is concerned – but they seem to understand that somebody needs to be behind the mask. It’s somebody’s voice and it’s somebody’s limbs. It’s a magical feeling to see children’s eyes light up like that. If only I could carry around the Child everywhere, then I would really be winning!

Would definitely recommend buying the issue if you can, print or digital (via Zinio or any other platform), to show your support.

#pedro pascal #the mandalorian #interviews #behind the scenes

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aceofbooksandtea · 3 years ago

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The Problem of Susan

so i’ve been reading some narnia fics lately and i keep seeing people mention the problem of susan and getting really upset about how c.s. lewis handled her character. admittedly, i haven’t read the books in a while, but i had them practically memorized as a kid and what i remember doesn’t really fit with what i’m seeing people say about susan.

(although, i haven’t really been reading a whole lot of those fics bc i like to ignore the last battle and just pretend susan’s still a friend of narnia)

but i think that a lot of people are reading something into it that isn’t necessarily there. what i’m hearing is a lot about how c.s. lewis did her character dirty by implying that looking beautiful and being involved with the world was a bad thing, and i can see why they might say that. but i see it differently for 3 reasons: what i know of c.s. lewis; how he portrayed susan from the beginning; and his references to women and looking beautiful throughout the series.

let’s talk about the last one first. throughout the series (to the best that i remember), c.s. lewis talks about plenty of female characters in ways that positively view women wanting to look beautiful. jill wants to bring home that gorgeous dress in the silver chair? yep, you got it! no negative references whatsoever. any of the queens and ladies of narnia or archenland physically described? i’m pretty sure jewels, crowns, and pretty robes and hair are all mentioned with no negativity for dressing pretty.

(one might argue that the whole thing with lucy wanting to look pretty like susan in the voyage of the dawn treader might be considered negative representation of a girl wanting to look beautiful, but honestly, it just sounds more like encouragement to love your body as it is, and not wanting to be someone else. which is very healthy!)

so. the fact that susan wants to wear lipstick and nylons isn’t the actual problem. (i’ll get back to this in a bit)

now, let’s talk about c.s. lewis. from what i remember, he believed that imagination was really important and that children should be encouraged in that and that more adults should foster it in themselves. now, this may seem like it has nothing to do with susan, but in the books, one of the things that makes her no longer a friend of narnia is that she dismisses it as fairytales and make believe. considering c.s. lewis’s thoughts on imagination, i’m pretty sure he was using this + the lipstick comment to imply that susan is trying to be a grown-up by england’s standards and tossing aside important things like imagination and playing (which are healthy psychological needs for any age)

(i’m not even going to go into what he implies about creativity with professor kirke’s comments about logic and schools)

now, last point before i’ll tie this all together: how susan is portrayed from the very first book. from the beginning, she’s a bit of a follower (if i’m remembering correctly). she likes rules, order, and doing what’s proper. in england, that means no make believe or wild active play once you’re past a certain age. in narnia, that meant believing in aslan and being good to all the magical creatures and talking beasts that were her subjects. she’s just following the rules. (i could be missing some things here about her character, but honestly, she fades into the background so easily).

yes, this could be considered a point against c.s. lewis for writing her this way, but honestly, if i had siblings as charismatic and brave and outgoing as peter and lucy, i’d probably give up and fade into the background too. it just makes sense for the siblings to be very different personalities and if you have too many leaders in a group of siblings/close friends/family, you’re never going to get anything done bc you’ll just be planning and arguing about the plans and then starting over. so i think susan got used to being the follower of the group.

(i’m pretty sure edmund did a bit of that too after he grew up a bit)

this doesn’t mean that susan isn’t capable of leading or doing things on her own, but i think she likes to know where the socially accepted boundaries are and then breaks them only when she absolutely has to. in narnia, that would be in the defense of her subjects and her siblings. in england, she has no subjects and her siblings are only in danger of being thought crazy if they keep up the narnia talk. so, she adjusts. she conforms. and the others don’t get it.

but. that doesn’t mean that there’s not a problem with how she’s acting. it isn’t the lipstick that’s the problem. it’s not that she’s trying to take on more adult expectations. it’s that she’s not handling her return from narnia at all. when you lose something important to you, it’s not great for your psyche to just deny that it every existed. it’s not great to throw yourself into expectations and responsibilities as an escape from your grief. it’s really, really not great to practically try to gaslight your siblings into believing your shared experiences never happened. (at least, i think gaslighting would be the correct term for dismissing real events as fiction and imagination to a person they actually happened to)

she bottles it up and and ignores it and shuns people who try to get her to talk about it. honestly, it reminds me a bit of how the movies had peter acting at the beginning of prince caspian, but even more serious bc peter at least acknowledged their shared experiences.

meanwhile, her siblings basically put together a support group for people who had been to narnia and are really hurting that she’s dismissed them in favor of things that can’t help her heal. so, yeah, they might be a bit snippy and resentful when they mention it in the scene that gets so many people talking about the problem of susan.

(and this isn’t even taking that this is a faith analogy, so she’s not only spitting on their shared experiences but on the worldview they all once shared.)

and this is why, while not the best way to phrase it, calling it the problem of susan fits. it’s not that susan is a problem. it’s that she has a problem and she’s not going to fix it properly any time soon with the path she’s taking. Gentle hearts can be easily hurt and she’s trying to mend it with all the wrong things.

#narnia #susan pevensie #the problem of susan #c.s. lewis

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feysandandnyx · 4 years ago

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The way Feyre feels about his abusive family will never be overlooked by the people who love, respect and understand this character.

When you feel lonely and isolated by your own family, we're not talking about a normal relationship

“How did you learn to bind wounds like this? I can still use the hand, even with the wrappings.”“Trial and error. I had to be able to pull a bowstring the next day.” He was quiet as we turned down another sun-drenched marble hallway, and I dared to look at him. I found him carefully studying me, his lips in a thin line. “Has anyone ever taken care of you?” he asked quietly. “No.” I’d long since stopped feeling sorry for myself about it. “Did you learn to hunt in a similar manner—trial and error?”“I spied on hunters when I could get away with it, and then practiced until I hit something. When I missed, we didn’t eat. So learning how to aim was the first thing I figured out.”

I stalked to the nearest rosebush and ripped off a rose, my fingers tearing on the thorns. I ignored the pain, the warmth of the blood that trickled down. I could never paint it accurately—never render it the way those artists had in the gallery pieces. I would never be able to paint Elain’s little garden outside the cottage the way I remembered it, even if my family didn’t remember me. He didn’t reprimand me for taking one of his parents’ roses—parents who were as absent as my own, but who had probably loved each other and loved him better than mine cared for me. A family that would have offered to go in his place if someone had come to steal him away. My fingers stung and ached, but I still held on to the rose as I said, “I don’t know why I feel so tremendously ashamed of myself for leaving them. Why it feels so selfish and horrible to paint. I shouldn’t—shouldn’t feel that way, should I? I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t help it.” The rose hung limply from my fingers. “All those years, what I did for them … And they didn’t try to stop you from taking me.” There it was, the giant pain that cracked me in two if I thought about it too long. “I don’t know why I expected them to—why I believed that the puca’s illusion was real that night. I don’t know why I bother still thinking about it. Or still caring.” He was silent long enough that I added, “Compared to you—to your borders and magic being weakened—I suppose my self-pity is absurd.”“If it grieves you,” he said, the words caressing my bones, “then I don’t think it’s absurd at all.”

He could find work if he wasn’t so ashamed, Nesta always said when I hissed about it. She hated him for the injury, too—for not fighting back when that creditor and his thugs had burst into the cottage and smashed his knee again and again. Nesta and Elain had fled into the bedroom, barricading the door. I had stayed, begging and weeping through every scream of my father, every crunch of bone. I’d soiled myself—and then vomited right on the stones before the hearth. Only then did the men leave. We never saw them again.

Tamlin must have realized it, too, for he loosed a long, controlled breath before moving to the next painting. Tall shadows of men, bright red dripping off their fists, off their wooden clubs, hovering and filling the edges of the painting as they towered over the curled figure on the floor, the blood leaking from him, the leg at a wrong angle. Tamlin swore. “You were there when they wrecked your father’s leg.”“Someone had to beg them to stop.”

Whenever she felt low in self-esteem, it was Nesta's condemning voice that Feyre heard, even to judge herself. This is not normal behavior.

“Feyre,” he repeated, and closed his eyes. My sisters had gone quiet, and I looked up in time to see Nesta crinkle her nose with a sniff. She picked at my cloak. “You stink like a pig covered in its own filth. Can’t you at least try to pretend that you’re not an ignorant peasant?” I didn’t let the sting and ache show. I’d been too young to learn more than the basics of manners and reading and writing when our family had fallen into misfortune, and she’d never let me forget it. She stepped back to run a finger over the braided coils of her gold-brown hair. “Take those disgusting clothes off.” I took my time, swallowing the words I wanted to bark back at her. Older than me by three years, she somehow looked younger than I did, her golden cheeks always flushed with a delicate, vibrant.

It was too dim to admire any of the paintings lining the walls, and I didn’t dare risk a candle. These past three days, there had been servants in the halls when I’d worked up the nerve to look at the art—and the part of me that spoke with Nesta’s voice had laughed at the idea of an ignorant human trying to admire faerie art. Some other time, then, I’d told myself. I would find another day¸ a quiet hour when no one was around, to look at them. I had plenty of hours now—a whole lifetime in front of me. Perhaps … perhaps I’d figure out what I wished to do with it.

I could almost feel the wound deep in my chest as it ripped open and all those awful, silent words came pouring out. Illiterate, ignorant, unremarkable, proud, cold—all spoken from Nesta’s mouth, all echoing in my head with her sneering voice.

What do Know? Nesta breathed. “You’re just a half-wild beast with the nerve to bark orders at all hours of the day and night. Keep it up, and someday—someday, Feyre, you’ll have no one left to remember you, or to care that you ever existed.” She stormed off, Elain darting after her, cooing her sympathy. They slammed the door to the bedroom hard enough to rattle the dishes. I’d heard the words before—and knew she only repeated them because I’d flinched that first time she spat them. They still burned anyway.

Most High Lords are trained from birth in manners and laws and court warfare. When the title fell to me, it was a … rough transition. Many of my father’s courtiers defected to other courts rather than have a warrior-beast snarling at them.” A half-wild beast, Nesta had once called me. It was an effort to not take his hand, to not reach out to him and tell him that I understood. But I just said, “Then they’re idiots. You’ve kept these lands protected from the blight, when it seems that others haven’t fared so well. "They’re idiots,” I said again.

- A Court of Thorns and Roses - Sarah J. Maas.

Feyre suffered psychological abuse by her family for years. Sarah can try to justify Nesta and Elain all she wants, but the way Feyre felt about it won't change.

#feyre archeron #feyre stan #pro feyre #anti nesta archeron #anti nesta #anti elain

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salty-ironstrange-shipper · 3 years ago

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I’m finally getting around to writing MCU fics and I was wondering gif you had any advice

not sure if you mean specifically for mcu fics or fics in general but I'll give it a go

(also this is all based on what I do and what mostly works for me; feel free to deviate as suits you)

for multi-chapter give yourself a posting schedule (ex. 1/week, 2/week, 1/2 weeks, etc.) and have a few chapters or so ready before you start posting to give yourself a bit of a buffer. I started doing this because I have a tendency to write a ton when I first start a fic, but then slow down a lot once life butts in

hm actually I don't have a lot of just fic writing advice that I haven't talked about before. here's are links to previous advice I've given

MCU specific

rewatch movies/series with the characters you're writing about. for ironstrange, I rewatch the Iron Man movies, Doctor Strange, and Infinity War (I don't rewatch endgame and probably never will) (that also sounds like a lot but I enjoy those movies, lol). Take note of lesser-remarked upon character ticks or emotional scenes when they let their guard down. Everyone likes to talk about Tony being an arrogant (bleh) billionaire playboy, but the scenes where he hangs out with his friends (ie Rhodey and Pepper, not the Avengers), where he speaks to Obie, where he interacts with his employees are much truer indications of his actual character, as opposed to the mask (ha) he wears in public or around people he doesn't know/trust well.

(continued for space) The scene in Iron Man where he sits alone working on a gauntlet while watching the news about a village being held hostage (which he blames himself for) is also extremely telling. A couple of character ticks are that he doesn't like being handed things (but might allow someone to if they're close enough), wears/puts on his sunglasses when attempting to hide his vulnerability (and takes them off when he's being open), and usually drives with someone else at the wheel unless a scene wants him on his own or just talking to a particular other character

(focusing on Tony a bit because he has so many more movies right now that focus on him than Stephen so it's a bit easier to pick up on patterns)

another way to get a good feel for a character is to read other fans' metas, which can expand on a particular character's personality, movies, specific scenes, specific behaviors and/or psychology. there are some on my blog tagged #meta, #ironstrange meta, #mcu meta, #tony stark meta (I actually don't have any for Stephen rn that I could find sorry, though there are probably plenty floating around on tumblr)

tvtropes, which I've mentioned a couple of times particularly on one of my other blogs, is a resource I use a lot to get a stronger feel for characters I'm not as familiar with. They have a whole thing for the MCU, and the character list is here, with some characters with a lot of info. having entire pages devoted to themselves (including Tony and Stephen). I'd also check out their "fridge" pages for the individual movies (Iron Man, CA: TFA, Doctor Strange, Infinity War, etc.) ("fridge" here meaning something like an epiphany about the brilliance/horror/stupidity of a certain plot, character, scene, motivation, etc.)

read other fics to see how other people write characters and see what you do and don't like, what does and doesn't feel right to you. I'm not saying to outright plagiarize from other people, but it can help you get a feel for character traits, motivations, history, how they talk, etc.

and finally, in spite of everything I said before about doing research and looking things up - don't be afraid to do something that deviates from all that. especially if you're writing an au! If it makes sense for your story or world to make Tony shyer than he is, do it! If you want to make him an asshole for the character development, do it! No one's paying you, might as well have fun with it

#asks #writing advice #writing #fanfiction #mcu #marvel #mcu fanfiction #fandom #incorrect-ironstrange

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mybg3notebook · 4 years ago

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Astarion and Power - Part 1

Disclaimer Game Version: All these analyses were made up to the game version v4.1.101.4425. As long as new content is added, and as long as I have free time for that, I will try to keep updating this information.

Additional disclaimers about meta-knowledge and interpretations in (post)

The number between brackets [] represents the topic-block related to (this post), which gathers as much evidence as I could get.

Before talking about Power, Cazador, and other details, I would like to quickly gather what little we have about Astarion’s past.

Backstory: Mortal Astarion.

About his past we have little information, mostly given by Swen in interviews with game magazines or via his on-live demonstrations of the game early in 2020 before the release of EA. All this information is subjected to changes, of course, so we should take it with a pinch of salt.

As a mortal, Astarion was a corrupt magistrate who judged criminals he later sent to the local vampire coven of the Szarr family as food. After a while, his greed got the best of him and started to sell those criminals into slavery as well, having a double profit from this. This movement brought the fury of the Szarr family upon him.

From this short story we can infer that there was a high probability that his judgements were unfair, condemning criminals who needed a death sentence to lighter ones (this is related to his strange comment of “death is a harsh sentence” in Arabella’s scene, see the post Astarion's Standards and Manipulation) while condemning innocent ones; all with the goal of having a decent amount of living creatures to offer to the local vampire or to the slave traders.

We also know, by his own words in game, that when he was turned into a vampire, he had been the victim of an attack of thugs/Gurs (he says this information in different moments of the game, changing details. I don't know if this is on purpose to show Astarion’s manipulative nature depending on your reaction to Gandrel, or it’s a consequence of unpolished details during EA). What we know for sure is that these Gurs/thugs were angry because of a judgement he had previously made. It’s easy for us to infer, using the info above, two situations:

Astarion may have condemned some isolated Gur to an unfair trial who ended up in a slavery network, being discovered later by their Gur fellows who simply avenged them in Baldur’s Gate. This theory has been developed as a way to see fit the concept of Maiden Fel. If Gandrel dies and Astarion performs a Speak with Dead, he will reveal that Maiden Fel is the head of his tribe who asked him to return with Astarion “unblemished”. Digging for more details about who Maiden Fel is, Gandrel says she is the “reason even monsters have nightmares”. Walking on the speculation ground, there is a chance that Maiden Fel could be a nightmare Hag, since Gurs consider hags as “wise women'', and unlike the rest of the humans, they respect them a bit more than common folks.

Or the whole setting was done by Cazador, who plotted this ambush to make it look as an act of barbarism using furious Gurs (which attack could be seen as an obvious reaction since Gurs are despised everywhere due to their nomadic lifestyle and all the stigmas they carry) as a way to punish Astarion for trying to outsmart him.

Among the many conclusions that we can draw from here is that, if Astarion’s backstory is not retconned and rewritten later in the full game, we can be almost sure he was an Evil-aligned character as a mortal. We can’t say that vampirism twisted his morals; they were rather poor in the first place.

Astarion, the Vampire spawn

After the bite scene, Astarion presents himself as a vampire spawn, a creature lesser than a slave for his master, since Cazador’s commands are impossible to resist. He explicitly says that his body always reacts to Cazador’s word and for two hundred years he was tormented by him. Thanks to datamining information, we know that Cazador performed an infernal deal, and part of the contract is carved on his back.

Due to datamining information as well, we know that the first dream that Astarion experiences may not be the one related to the tadpole dreams mechanics since he dreams without having made use of the tadpole powers yet. I prefer to suppose that this dream is product of his own psychology, or even it could be an effect of Cazador’s power on him (maybe he can’t dream of anything but of his Sire, considering how possessive Cazador is)

As I said, this is not a dream of power and desire in the same way that the other companions or Tav have, and for this reason I’m inclined to say that the vampiric power of Cazador is the one making an effect instead of the tadpole (or simply Astarion’s trauma showing). This dream looks like a reminder, like a reiterative dream for Astarion about Cazador’s rule, which are:

rule 1: he will not drink from thinking creatures.

rule 2: he will obey him in all things.

rule 3: he will not leave Cazador’s side unless directed.

rule 4: he will know that he is Cazador’s proprietary.

Most options end up in the similar idea of: “Free? Lie to yourself, boy, but not to me. You are mine, forever.”

Cazador and Astarion

[Astarion has just related what Cazador made him eat] “Flies? What did you do to deserve that?”

“I existed, that was enough for him. He revelled in having power over me, because those with power can do whatever the hell they want.”

If we are going to talk about power with a character as Astarion in mind, we need to talk first about Cazador. Let’s start with the way Astarion describes him:

“The biggest threat to a vampire is another vampire. They're scheming, paranoid, power hungry beasts. So why would any vampire give up control over a spawn to create a competitor? Trust me, it doesn't happen.”

“Cazador Szarr is a vampire lord in Baldur’s Gate. The patriarch of his coven and a monster obsessed with power.(...) Not political power or military power. Power over people. The power to control them completely. (...) He turned me nearly two hundred years ago. I became his spawn and he became my tormentor.”

“He had me go out Baldur’s Gate to fetch him the most beautiful souls I could find. It was a fun little ritual of his—I’d bring them back and he’d ask if I wanted to dine with him. And if I said yes, he’d serve me a dead, putrid rat. Of course if I said no, he’d have me flayed. Hard to say which was worse.”

“Cazador liked to make them art, spent all night with a razor, drafting a sonnet on my back. (Puppy eyes) Apparently the more I screamed, the more mistakes he made. And the more editing was required.”

“It was a group of Gur/thugs that attacked me that night in Baldur’s Gate. I would have died had Cazador not appeared and saved me. (...) He chased them off and offered to save me. To give me eternal life. Given that my choices were “eternal life” or “bleed to death on the street”, I took him up on the offer. It was also afterwards I realised just how long “eternity” could be.”

“Cazador likes to toy with people. Let them think there was hope right until the end. Until he snatched it all away. Creatures like them don’t play games unless they know they’ll win.”

(About Raphael’s encounter) “All that 'take your time. I'll wait' nonsense? He's playing with us. It reminds me of Cazador, taunting his slaves with hope when he knew the game was rigged. "

Tav: “Would he send another Gur to capture?” / Ast: “Yes, he probably thought it was funny.”

(“We can kill him.”) “No, you don't understand. You don't know him. Just trust me when I say we need to be careful. He'll send more lackies – he has plenty of souls to command. We just have to be vigilant. Keep our wits about us. And kill any monster hunters on sight. We can probably make an exception with Wyll... Probably.”

>>So far we know that Cazador has a particular pleasure for control, especially the one related to people’s will. With the nightmare information, we know he has powers related to mind control. He has many slaves, and enjoys cruelty, humiliation, and torture. He enjoys making Astarion eat putrid animals, carving his back with an infernal contract, and playing psychologically with him. He also likes to give false hope, making his victims believe that there is hope, removing it right in front of them.

I want to highlight that this twisted way of giving hope just to offer a perverted solution to a person’s problem, and enjoying the pleasure caused by the break of the hope, can be seen in Astarion during EA: in the approval that Astarion gives to Tav when you revive Connor, and that pinch of hope in Mayrina turns into horror when she sees Undead!Connor. For Astarion this situation is “funny”. Similar can be said when he approves telling Arabella’s parents that she will be released after the end of the ritual, when she is in fact dead.

Astarion describes a bit more what power we should expect from a Lord Vampire:

Shapeshift: turning into mist.

Calling wolves to do his bidding.

Shrugging off blows.

He “could walk into our camp tonight and kill you with his bare hands.”

Astarion and Slavery

One of the characteristics that so far in EA has got my attention was how little conflict Astarion has with slavery, despite having been his former condition.

He is apathetic to slavery in the best case, or even supporting it in the worse case. Proof of this can be found in the Myconid Colony, when interacting with a duergar slave. He speaks as if it were a totally useful tool that inspires little sympathy in him, since they don't have consciousness. However, he leaves a quite open question when finally adding “Or maybe not”.

But this “maybe not” is not left to speculation, we can see what Astarion truly feels with a non-Gur human slave in another part of the game: in the Zhentarim hideout. This can be checked with Oskar, the painter slave.

You can free Oskar using persuasion with his kidnapper (Astarion keeps neutral, he doesn’t approve the freeing). Now, if you can buy Oskar by paying the gold directly or by using intimidation to lower the price, it would keep Astarion neutral until the moment of the payment is stated, which he disapproves. At first I thought it was because he was truly against slavery of thinking creatures... but it was not. It was because you are paying a lot of money (we need to remember Astarion is greedy [1] as well, he wouldn’t be a vampire if it weren't for his greed).

Once bought, if you keep Oskar as a slave, and you demand him to keep silent because "you want your slaves silent unless they are spoken to", Oskar will think it's a joke, and you, again, can use the option "I don't joke with my slaves" and then Astarion will approve. None of these options is under any tag to make them believe they are part of a preformative act to prank Oskar. And this is key... this is not a joke. They are used as your real sentiments and intentions, and Astarion approves them.

These reactions are not random, they make sense with his—until this moment unchanged or retconned—backstory, where he had no problem trafficking with criminals as vampire food and later as slaves to have higher profits. So, these two aspects remain in his vampire nature unaltered: the most important thing is always to have profits, and his relationship with slavery is absolutely fine as much as it gives benefits, it’s useful or at least, gives him some entertainment.

The tadpole

We know the tadpole has a particular effect on Astarion. Unlike the other companions, Astarion doesn’t dream of a person who represents to him both desire and power. Power? undoubtedly, but desire? It’s hard to say. The implied, vague concept that Astarion has been sexually abused by Cazador is there (because we know these dreams are about “sensual” desire as well).

It’s maybe a consequence of the vampirism and, by extension, of Cazador’s power, that makes Astarion unable to dream of anything else but his master. From the datamining information about the non-tadpole dream of Astarion, in which Cazador lists four rules, we know that the fourth one is about never stopping to be Cazador’s propriety, unable to be free, not even in dreams. Maybe Cazador’s effect also applies to Astarion’s dreams as well (but this is a mere speculation, there is no real proof of it on EA or datamining info so far).

So when Astarion awakes in the beach and sees that some rules of his vampiric nature have been changed, he gets excited about the tadpole, and unlike the rest of the companions, he doesn’t want to get rid of it. He wants to master it, to have control of it. However, when the opportunity of controlling the tadpole appears with Raphael encounter, Astarion is one of the few companions who is completely against it at first.

“Raphael is playing with us; Cazador liked to toy with people too. Let them think there was hope right until the end. Until he snatched it all away. Creatures like them don't play games unless they know they'll win.”

In that moment, he claims he won’t change a vampiric master for an infernal one. However, when the first use of the Tadpole causes the first symptoms of transformation evident, Astarion falls in despair: he is scared and, calling for Raphael to take him from the camp, he says a curious phrase:

“I would choose servitude over oblivion any day”

So, after this moment, he is not completely convinced that Raphael is the true solution to his problem but he is more open to keep him as a plan B if anything else fails. Later he claims that it doesn't matter to be a servant of a devil, because he knows Cazador, and he wants to get rid of his power for good.

“I won't lie, it's tempting. If I keep the tadpole, I risk transforming into a grotesque monster. If I lose the tadpole, Cazador has control of me, body and soul, and I return to the shadows. It's grim either way, so why not sell what's left of my soul to a devil? Better he has it than cazador. Whatever it's coming we need to have our options open.”

Astarion’s process of seeing the potential of the power of the tadpole increases along the game. It gets higher and wilder. The first instances of the tadpole use are about Astarion discovering how much this tadpole gives him powers he can barely understand.

“The tadpoles are not so bad at all. (...) First I can walk in the sun, then make people dance like puppets? *laughs * I've certainly had worse days.”

He is not an idiot, he knows that, without control, they will end up turning into mind flayers, so he needs to find something powerful that can give him control over his tadpole. This is the reason why he encourages the use of the tadpole after knowing about the netherese magic containing the transformation via Omellun or Ethel.

Ethel explains that the tadpole had been tampered, so the dialogue goes:

Tav: “It's giving us more time, sounds good to me”.

Astarion: “Perhaps. And who's to say it can't be tampered with further?” (She said it was netherese magic) “it must be powerful magic to stop the parasite in its tracks, I wonder what else it could do?

At that point in the story, he knows that the netherese magic is powerful enough to contain the transformation: so he is now sure that there is more time to use it. So he will end up being the only companion in EA who encourages everyone to use the power:

“What's not to enjoy (with this tadpole)? I can walk in sunlight, trespass upon any home, manipulate minds – I'm the most powerful vampire in the realms. Granted, the looming doom is an issue, but why not enjoy the benefits while we can?

Despite the nightmares happening after every use of the tadpole powers, Astarion doesn’t want to stop. At this point, he is the only companion who doesn’t want to.

“The power to twist a mind to your will is worth some nightmares.”

By the end of the game, we are sure that Astarion wants this power without doubts. He revels in the power of mind-controlling people, ironically, despite having suffered so much of it under Cazador’s control. If we see all the situations where Astarion’s mind is controlled, or violated, his reactions will be extremely more aggressive than the other companions. He has suffered it a lot, but by the end of EA he is enjoying being on the other side of that power.

This post was written on April 2021. → For more Astarion: Analysis Series Index

#astarion #bg3 early access #bg3 meta

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everything-laito · 4 years ago

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if I don’t have tendinitis by the end of writing this series, I am officially immortal. anyways here’s the long awaited Laito and Cordelia analysis: Part I

Hi, Corn here! Holy shit I’ve been wanting to write this for forever now; idk how long this series will be but uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I’m gonna wing it.

Lemme get something REAL clear before I begin. Because for some fucking reason I still see people trying to say that Cordelia did not molest/rape/etc Laito. Cuz she did. It’s called grooming and manipulation, sweetie. And I’ll explain that too.

Also, I’m not defending or justifying Cordelia’s actions (there’s a difference between explaining why something happens and defending it. For example, we know racism is harmful and awful, but explaining what it is and why it happens isn’t defending it). I also don’t defend Laito’s nonconsensual or abusive actions either on here, I also wanna clarify that. I just merely explain his theorized rationale and psyche.

God I don’t even know where to start, or where this is exactly going to end, but my god, time to pop off. I’m going to divide this into sections as well.

Also I think this is usually a given with all the Laito stuff I put on here, but, spoilers ahead! And trigger warnings galore! Pedophilia/rape/abuse/grooming/depression/anxiety are the ones I can think of now, but all of those are really a given on this blog. Just wanna emphasize it because I’m gonna go deep into em.

As always,,,,, rant under the cut~!

Section 1: Before the Storm (insert Life is Strange joke here)

There’s quite a bit of back and forth about where Cordelia started doing this. I just finished Dark Fate and the conversation between the triplets caught my eye. Laito mentions in his Dark Fate Ecstacy Epilogue that implies Cordelia wasn’t abusive at first. It’s revealed how Karlheinz used Cordelia just for his Adam and Eve experiment to create a new human race, which is why he blatantly ignores her after courting her and making her have kids that she didn’t even wanna have. Which is. Yikes. I’d say that’s a form of coercive pregnancy abuse.

The conversation turns to Laito who then says that Cordelia lost her mind due to of sexual frustration and then hurt the triplets. Sexual frustration is a real and common thing, but I’m gonna explain the potential logistics of this being turned into abuse.

Sexual frustration in general can be described as a sense of “dissatisfaction stemming from a discrepancy between a person’s desired and achieved sexual activity” (source). I know it’s from Wikipedia but the phrasing of that definition is just too perfect. (also Wikipedia’s good just to get the basics from ;) ) Sexual frustration can happen from physical, mental, emotional, social, religious, or spiritual barriers. Everyone has some kind of ideal sexual activity, whether it be innate and or learned (like getting used to sexual acts over time, whether that be from a traumatic or consensual experience). However, I can safely say that Cordelia has high libido, regardless of the reason.

Oxytocin, my absolute favorite hormone to talk about, is huge in this case. Touch starvation (what I’d say most of us are going through now because of quarantine) also depends on oxytocin level. We’re social creatures, and we need touch in some way. Having sexual needs is also not a thing to be shameful of (if you do have them), since that is also very human and very biological. Oxytocin is needed for so many things! From social bonding, sexual bonding, reproduction in general, and general emotional wellbeing. Everyone has different levels of oxytocin needs. With a lack of oxytocin, whether it causes sexual frustration or touch starvation (or both), it can create fear, anxiety, and or depression. This has to do with my favorite part of the brain, the amygdala. It’s this lil almond shaped part (hence, amygdala, which is Latin for “almond”) is responsible for empathy, your fight and flight response, as well as SO many other things. I’ll talk more about the amygdala later, because I’m getting off track.

Back to the logistics of oxytocin deficiency and abuse. Basically, I didn’t initially think that touch starvation or sexual frustration could get so bad that someone would resort to abuse. Haven’t found anything that supports that either. However, since it is linked to depression and stress, I do believe Cordelia would have other underlying psychological issues that made her response to depression and stress just so much worse. It’s kind of obvious that Karlheinz absurd her, and when someone goes through a traumatic episode, there’s different coping mechanisms or different emotions are triggered. Maybe even before Karlheinz she had issues, but we will never know. I just know that Cordelia seems susceptible to some kind of manic episodes, such as mood swings and intense behaviors.

Dark Fate confirms that Karlheinz most likely used this, and used Cordelia due to her Founder blood and that her psyche was “optimal” to eventually have the triplets kill her. Karl can see the future and past etc, I believe that was confirmed in Lost Eden too. Anyways, all of this paves the way to what Cordelia did to the triplets.

Section 2: The Beginning

There’s been quite a bit of back and forth between when did Cordelia start sexually abusing Laito? We know that Kanato and Ayato were abused when they were young, but there’s no flashbacks in Laito’s routes that depicts him being a child (to my knowledge). Not saying Laito wasn’t abused when he was a child, but I can assure you that the first time Cordelia had explicit sex with Laito was when he was older.

Special thanks to @vampiretsuki and @amiecris for helping me think this through on Zara’s server!

There hasn’t been any flashbacks that specifically show us the first time that happened. However, I believe that there was a flashback in HDB that shows one of the first times. Here’s a scene from Laito’s Dark Epilogue:

Cordelia: ー Laito…Laito… Laito: …Hm? Is something the matter? Cordelia: I have a favor to ask. It just isn’t enough. You can do it, right Laito? Laito: You really are something…So that’s why you came to me again? Cordelia: Fufufu…That’s right, Laito. Come on, quickly… Laito: …Guess it can’t be helped. I’ll love you plenty. Cordelia: Aah…My cute Laito~ I love you. I really do. Laito: I can do it…right? Cordelia: Of course, Laito. Now, quickly…

First of all, ew. Second of all, Laito’s diction implies that this was maybe the second or third time this occurred. He asks a question, and ends it with “again.” We know by this that it is not the first time, but the question also means that Laito might not have expected to occur again. His tone also implies some surprise to it, at least in my ears. His other question, “I can do it, right?” screams hesitance to me. If this scene took place down the line, or after many times he did this with Cordelia, I don’t believe he’d be some level of surprised or hesitance.

Now, you may be thinking, “Oh! What about Ayato and Laito’s Versus II CD?! Didn’t it mention that Laito wasn’t in the triplet’s shared bed 9/10 times?!” And yeah, if you remembered that, kudos to you! Yes, you’re totally right. I thought this was some inconsistent writing, but I don’t believe so. I believe Cordelia was grooming Laito as a kid. For some reason, grooming never came to my mind, it was Tsuki who mentioned grooming, and Cris also backed that notion up. It’s not confirmed if Cordelia planned to do this to Laito in the beginning (which I doubt, I think she sexually exploited him on a whim due to sexual frustration and because Karl wouldn’t; and the suitors she had wasn’t “enough” for her) but I think it’s implied that it happened (from the earlier excerpt). As for grooming, here’s an excerpt from the VS II CD:

Ayato: You weren’t even there 9 out of the 10 times. Laito: So you knew, Ayato-kun. Ayato: … Laito: You know, I have been thinking how I came to be the person I am today. I am still wondering why wasn’t it Ayato-kun or Kanato-kun.

God that’s so SAAAD! This is why Laito being groomed from a young age would make sense. It would also make sense as to why he was so dismissive and hesitant to help Ayato out. In Ayato’s flashbacks, Laito is there, but doesn’t interfere when Cordelia gets into the picture. Laito tends to run away from his problems, and this manifests even when he’s a kid. To further the support of the claim, it’s definitely not farfetched that Cordelia would do something to a child, especially her own child. She used Kanato for his singing voice when she was having sex..... yikes. That’s another form of sexual exploitation. So uh, let’s dive right into see what grooming does,,,,, *opens another private window* Here’s the source I’ll be using too.

Grooming is a process that is typically used to sexually exploit children. Ewewewewewewew. It can be a quick or gradual process. It’s basically harnessing the trust in children utilizing constant contact. There’s not much explicit evidence describing this with Cordelia, but if Laito wasn’t sexually exploited when he was younger in the fashion he was “used” to when he got older, again I do think he was groomed. It would make sense as to why he either avoided conflict with Cordelia as a child. Either that was his own disposition (which to a degree I think it is), or maybe he was confused about Cordelia’s actions towards his other brothers, since he “loved” Cordelia. Young Laito typically fell silent when Cordelia entered the room, which again could be because of his disposition, fear, or he knows not to say much in front of her.

During the grooming process, a child can result in not being able to see coercion and deception. In general, kids 7 years old and under biologically are not able to differentiate persuasion from their own decisions, which results in the laws surrounding advertisements catering to children. Fun fact. I know we’re dealing with vampires and so their brains might not work like that, but from what I’ve seen, they’re pretty human. Also, we’re still not sure about their ages or how vampire biological ages work, but bear with me on this.

Another stage of grooming involves cutting off the child’s support system, whether it be family, friends, etc. I made a comment in an analysis that Laito doesn’t have a support system, and at the very least, his brothers. But even that is pretty weak. You know how it’s mentioned how Laito wasn’t even in bed with Ayato and Kanato most of the time? That’s probably due to Cordelia weakening Laito’s bonds with them. Furthermore, on the website I’m using to get information from, it says this:

Control and alienation is exercised in the following ways:

[more bullet points here]

- creating conflicting feelings of love and hate, protection and exploitation, guilt and innocence, entitlements and duties.

OOOOOHHHHHH BBBBBOOOOOYYYYYY!!!!! Ayato and Kanato say that they fucking hate Cordelia. But... Laito’s the only one that says he “loves” her. He also says that he hates her. So, from this, I think it might be safe to say that Cordelia groomed Laito as a child, and continued to use those tactics when he was older.

Well, I’m gonna end it here for part one. That was quite the ride, but I hope you enjoyed nonetheless! Next part, we’ll be getting into Laito when he’s older and the effects it had on him, along with some other crazy dark sides of psychology. I still won’t be answering many of my inbox questions until this huge analysis is finished, sorry! I kinda wanna focus on this first. But feel free to hit me up with any questions! I’ll still get to them :)

Any Cordelia/Laito questions will most likely be answered in this series, just a heads up. But if you have any questions pertaining to Cordelia/Laito right now or after the series, feel free to hit me up still! Any clarifying questions for this post or anything in general are always encouraged as well if you’re confused or want me to elaborate on something :)

Part two is planned to be up next week! See ya then ;) -Corn

#analysis #Laito sakamaki #sakamaki laito #raito sakamaki #sakamaki raito #Cordelia sakamaki #sakamaki cordelia #diabolik lovers #dialover #dialovers #dl #corn pops off again

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geekynichelle · 3 years ago

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So, I saw this tweet, and it started a conversation about the appeal of Harley Quinn, and I wrote this because I was possessed. It’s long so I put it below the cut. All opinions are my own.

Is Harleen Quinzel overrated? Honestly, I don’t know. Nor do I really care. Plenty of people love characters that others find overdone, and that shouldn’t have any bearing on whether or not they are liked on a personal level. You could equally say that Loki or Deadpool are overrated, and while I do believe race plays a role in why all three of these chaos agents are popular, gender is obviously why more people are vocal about finding Harley played out.

Getting that out of the way, let’s dive into the nitty gritty. What the hell is appealing about this clown to a Black, queer and neurodivergent woman? To start I want to bring into play the idea that what Black women do and don’t enjoy is often put in a narrow box. Growing up I knew my mother liked action movies (even more so than my step-dad- huzzah for breaking gender stereotypes), and in her own words the reason for that is that she likes to see “people who deserve it get their ass kicked”. In our real life, society rarely dishes out justice for Black people the way we deserve, and while the action genre is made up of mostly white dudes, who is good and who is bad are clear cut, and we can always root for someone who punches out racists and misogynists. As a result I should have been less surprised that my mother would like Deadpool, but it still amuses me to this day.

Deadpool, in his sequel film, has a moment when he with no hesitation shoots a man who he knows to be a child abuser, because unlike a traditional heroic figure there’s no question in his mind that that was the right thing to do. Whether this would be good in the real world or not is irrelevant because the catharsis comes from the fact that to Deadpool the child harmed mattered way more than anything other factors in that scenario.

This is the appeal of those types of characters in general. Translating this to Harley Quinn in that way is easy. Evil deeds aside, her initial/general backstory is that she was a doctor (of psychology) that fresh out of grad school was sent to talk to the Joker, who in turn manipulated her compassion and convinced her to free him/join him. In the 90s animated series, which is where she first appears, the episode Mad Love shows us that not only was Harley taken advantage of, but also that she is extremely capable on her own. Batman point blank tells the Joker (after he’s hit her/tossed her out a window) that Harley is the only person that’s come that close to killing him. The Joker (who was initially going to leave her for good) realizes that he’s unleashed someone arguably better than him into the world, and like any abuser decides to get back on her good side to maintain control over her chaos rather than let her realize her worth.

The new animated series dedicated just to Quinn, explores that notion further, and at some point during the second season sees Harley realize that she isn’t a hero or a villain, but rather a reactionary. She seems to have a soft spot for other abuse victims and in the series draws the line at over excessive killing, especially of innocent people. Ivy even states that while Harley is a criminal she is (at least in Ivy’s eyes) a good person. She has after all genuinely helped Ivy, and on occasion has helped save the day of her own free will.

Obviously, like with any comic book character, how she is characterized depends on the writer, but it’s fair to say based on the media I’ve personally consumed putting Harley in a morality box is a wasted effort. What makes her special is that she resides in those grey areas. As I mentioned earlier her ability to reside there and remain popular of course relates to her whiteness, however I do think it’s important to remember that Harley Quinn is also Jewish and is therefore not a complete stranger to concepts of oppression. She is also in recent years officially considered Bisexual, and while all Batman villains are vaguely mental ill, she does fill up that category as well.

I came across a tweet earlier today that suggested her whiteness is why many of her fans have turned her into a girlboss and downplayed her violence. I can certainly see where that person was coming from, but on a personal note, based on the above information that is certainly not the case for me. I know that I would enjoy Harley just as much (if not more) if she was a non-white woman, and that her violence and moral ambiguity are apart of what makes her a fun character. I’d never downplay her evil deeds. Granted, what I consider canon has a lot to do with the stories I’ve consumed (i.e I’ve never read anything about her involvement in the Jason Todd storyline therefore to me it doesn’t really exist), but ultimately Harley is no girlboss. She is a mess, and to quote Marie Kondo, “I love mess.”

To put this further in perspective, when I was a kid I didn’t even know Bisexuality was a thing, but I did know that I liked when Harley and Ivy were together, and now as an adult who is out, seeing them officially canon affected me a bit more than I thought it would. They might not be good people, but I don’t think representation needs to always be about being squeaky clean. And ultimately that’s the rub isn’t it? Harley isn’t exactly like me and I’m not exactly like her, but she represents a level of chaos that yeah, as a marginalized person I’m not allowed to express. She can be a good person, but she can also be extremely outrageous. She shows that being the victim of abuse isn’t about how smart you are and that it can happen to anyone. She also shows that you can leave that behind and get stronger mentally and physically. In the case of the new animated series she does this without motherhood/babies thrust upon her, but through good friends who love her.

Why Harley Quinn? Well, for me my current answer is because she’s complex. If you asked me as a child though, I’d probably say it’s because she was goofy and fun, and I wanted better for her than the Joker. Either way she’s currently being written by a Black, Disabled, Queer writer and as a long time fan, I absolutely look forward to the nuisances that’ll be added to the character as a result.

#Harley Quinn #Harleen Quinzel #character analysis #kinda #at least analysis of the characters appeal to me #long post #I only looked over this twice and I've got ADHD so hopefully it's readable

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walkingdaryls · 5 years ago

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the chosen one

pairing: loki x reader

request: hi i was wondering if you could write a fluffy loki imagine where maybe he’s like an ass to everyone but just kinda claims the reader as like his favorite person or something and honestly you don’t even have to stick to that i’d just love a fluffy loki if you could thank you!

warnings: some swearing, very fluffy

(gotta love fluffy loki. the best loki. also, this is a bit long so i’m sorry about that hehe)

The main thing you loved about the Avengers, your lovely teammates, was the fact that each one had something that set them a part from the rest. Bruce’s buzzing brain, Tony’s ego, Nat’s confidence, and so on. You adored every single one of them.

And what they adored about you was that you were always the “empathetic” Avenger. The one who believed in second changes. In never judging a book by its cover. And the one who believed people could genuinely change for the better. Now, everyone else was also fully aware of the fact that you could easily kick anyone’s ass with your powers or wit. Or both at the same time. But your welcoming, trusting personality definitely shined. Most of your teammates loved you for it, even if they teased you endlessly for being the nice one.

But what really threw your team off was the way you allowed Loki onto the team so easily with no doubts. Years after the incident in New York with the God of Mischief, Thor began asking for Loki’s acceptance into the Avengers. He claimed that even under his sarcasm and rolling eyes, he had changed for the better. The whole team was very hesitant, but after tons of psychological evaluations and close screenings, Loki was slowly turned into an Avenger. He’d aided on plenty of missions, proving himself to be good a bit more every time. But the team still wanted to suffocate him to death every once in a while.

Loki didn’t exactly like any of the Avengers, and he felt like none of them liked him either. But a job was a job.

The only exception was you. You’d been the only one throughout his time as an Avenger that never provoked him, or looked at him in a dirty way. Well, it wasn’t like you two even had conversations. You two simply minded your own business around each other. You never trashed him, so he left you alone. Simple as that. You were never one for hating on someone who was trying to change.

It wasn’t until one night after dinner, when Tony provoked an argument with Loki, that you finally had had enough.

“Someone tell me why we let him be an Avenger again. Please?” Tony said after Loki had dramatically left the room.

Clint sighed, “I’ve been saying, he’s too risky after what he did in New York.”

The others chimed in, and even Thor expressed reluctance about his brother. You couldn’t believe your ears. So you suddenly slammed your hands on the table, causing your friends’ head to snap towards you.

“Are you guys fucking kidding me? I wasn’t aware that we were gonna start contemplating kicking people off the team every time we talk back or start a stupid argument.”

Tony crossed his arms, “That’s not what we’re doing. And it is so much more than just the arguments. Loki-“

“No!” You exclaimed, “It isn’t fair to him! It’s not fair at all. How many of us have shitty pasts we’ve moved on from? How many of us have made stupid mistakes that we will probably regret for the rest of our lives? Most likely all of us. But do we give each other horrible looks every time we see each other? No! We forgive each other and ourselves. That’s the thing about us, Tony: we stick together no matter what.”

No one said anything, so you continued, “And I’m fully aware that Loki’s mistakes are probably far worse than anything we’ve ever done, but the message still stands. I mean, how many missions has he helped us on? The amount of close security and psych evaluations he’s been through just to be part of the team? It’s been years, for fucks sake. Yes, he can be a dick to some of you sometimes, but that’s just him. It’s no reason to continue to hate his guts. Do you guys remember the mission France like 5 months ago that almost went wrong? Loki saved my life. I was this close to being killed. If he hadn’t been there, I wouldn’t be here today with you guys. So I think we owe him some thanks. Especially me.”

You were heated by that point. Everyone continued to stay completely silent, so you stood up.

“I-I’m gonna head to bed now. Just wanted to let y’all know you’re being a bit hypocritical,” And you walked away, catching just a ghost of a smile on Nat’s face.

“Jesus, I think she’s heard one too many of Steve’s speeches,” Rhodey muttered, earning a shove from Steve himself.

But what you didn’t know while you walked away, was that Loki had been standing in the other room, hearing every word you’d just said.

—

Over a week passed since your monologue at the dinner table. No one really mentioned anything about it afterwards, which you were really grateful. All you got was a random pat on the back from Steve and him saying, “We’re all proud of you, kiddo.”

You made your way into the kitchen, which was currently being used by most of your team. 9am in the tower’s kitchen on days off were always pretty hectic. Wearing your usual workout outfit, you made your way towards the mug cabinet.

You were the only one on the team that avoided coffee at all costs. Tea was your go-to. The only other person like you in that aspect was Loki. He was the kind of person you’d caught making tea at 2 in the morning when he couldn’t sleep.

As you reached for the mugs, you realized your favorite one - a minnie mouse one you’d bought at Disney World years ago - was nowhere to be seen. You were pretty sure you’d just put it away last night after helping Tony with the dishes.

“Here.”

You turned around to see Loki, still in his forest green silk robe, holding out your well-loved mug in his hand. You could smell your usual green tea steaming out of the mug.

You stood in shock more a moment before snapping out of your thoughts and taking the mug from him carefully.

“Oh, thank you,” You smiled genuinely. You could feel Nat’s gaze on you a few feet away at the waffle-maker. In fact, a few of the team members’ eyes flickered towards your interaction. Loki’s face remained neutral as he went back to making his own cup of tea.

Thor, noticing this, yawned, “Brother, could you please pour me a cup of-“

“No,” Loki walked out of the room with his tea in one hand, and book in the other. Thor’s mouth slightly fell, glancing back from the cup of tea in your hands to Loki. Steve snorted from the stool next to Thor.

What the fuck just happened? You made your way towards the gym a few floors down with confusion on your face. But mostly warmth in your heart.

The next day, Loki had your green tea waiting for you in your favorite mug once again. And you didn’t hesitate to give him your signature smile and a sweet “thank you”, even if you were a bit taken aback.

And he continued to do this for the next few days. Every morning, without fail. Green tea. Minnie Mouse mug.

At this point, Nat definitely became more aware. She pulled you aside after a while with slightly mischief in her eyes.

“Are you two friends?” She asked genuinely.

“Nat, it’s just tea.”

“Yeah, except Loki’s never even bothered to do something like that with the rest of us. Never.”

You shrugged, “He isn’t Satan. He’s capable of nice things.”

Nat chucked, “Not like this. And it’s just with you. He practically begged you have you as a partner during our last mission.”

It was true, although you wouldn’t exactly say ‘beg’. But he had been pretty adamant on having you as his partner for the mission. He’d asked you kindly first before letting Tony know. In the moment, you hadn’t thought much of it. But looking back at it, you now realized how genuine his actions had been. And you two made a hell of a team that day.

“Maybe he heard your speech that other night,” She smirked, walking away before winking at you. You stood there dumbfounded with a slight redness growing in your cheeks.

That afternoon, with your work done for the day, you made your way towards the main living room with your current book in your hands.

Upon entering the room, you should see Loki’s figure on the couch. He was slightly bent over which only meant he was probably reading as well. You hesitated, but made your way over anyways.

“Is it okay if I read here, too?” You asked quietly. Loki glanced up at you, nodding softly.

“Of course.” Was all he said. You gave him a ghost of a smile before plopping down the the other couch a few feet away. His eyes promptly followed you as you turned to the page marked by your bookmark. You began reading calming, posing no threat to him, so he continued his reading too. Loki felt quite at peace with the sun setting, your soft breathing, and his favorite book in his lap. And the best part: the rest of the Avengers were nowhere to be seen.

“What are you reading?” Your voice sounded softly. Loki placed a finger to mark where he last read before glancing up at you. You feared he’d be pissed off for the interruption, so you continued.

“I mean, I’ve seen you carry that book around for a while now. And it’s all worn out...which usually means it’s a good book,” You chuckled.

Loki watched you carefully before smirking, “Indeed. It’s called Pride and Prejudice. I’ve been told it’s a classic amongst mortals. Have you read it?”

Your face suddenly lit up. Your book was suddenly set aside as you leaned forward excitedly. Loki, although he would never admit it out loud, loved the sparkle forming in your glorious eyes.

“Yes!” You said, “Oh, it’s one of my all time favorites. The movie, too.”

Loki quirked an eyebrow, “There’s a movie? Well, I’ll have to watch that once I’m done with reading it.”

“So you like the book?”

“...Yes. I’m about three-quarters done with it. I have to say, it is rather enjoyable.”

You leaned back against the couch, gazing dreamily at the ceiling, “I’m a sucker for those kinds of romance stories. And I like to think I’m quite like Elizabeth Bennet.”

Loki squinted, “I think so, too.” You lifted your head slightly, making eye contact with the raven-haired God. The soft gaze on his face seemed to mean well, so you allowed for your cheeks to grow a light shade of red.

“Well,” You smiled, looking down at your book, “Let’s get back to reading, yeah?”

Loki nodded, but made sure to keep his eyes on your for a few seconds longer before opening to his page once more.

—

Another couple week passed, and Tony decided to call a ‘very urgent team meeting that has nothing to do with actual team stuff’.

You entered the kitchen where the rest of your teammates were sitting or standing around, chattering amongst themselves. Tony was waiting until everyone arrived before sharing what he needed to say. You slid on a stool next to Nat.

Bucky and Bruce showed up a minute or so later, which meant practically everyone was there. You looked around for the only missing person: Loki. But before you could say anything, the familiar God walked in with Tony followed a few feet behind.

“Alright,” Tony clapper his hands, “Glad we’re all here.” He walked into the kitchen where he served himself some liquor before turning to the rest of you. You felt Loki come up behind you, before situating himself right next to you.

You looked up at him, smiling softly, “Hi.”

“Hello,” He spoke extremely lowly, yet his eyes brightened just a bit more. You felt even more tiny compared to him now that you were sitting and him standing.

“So...what’s this meeting for?” Bruce asked.

“Great question,” Tony said, “I have decided that after tireless back-to-back missions these past few days...we all deserve a treat. That’s why I booked a reservation to the fanciest restaurant within a twenty minute drive. It’s at 8, so I want all of us ready to leave by 7:40.”

“God, Tony you know I hate when you plan stuff like this last minute,” Bruce stressed.

Tony shrugged, “It’s not like any of you losers had plans. Now, go get ready. You’ve all got less than two hours.”

You sighed, “The fanciest place in the city? I hope you’re paying.” A few chuckles sounded from your teammates.

“I wasn’t joking,” You looked at Tony.

The genius rolled his eyes, “Obviously I’m paying. Now, go! All of you. Shoo. Jesus, you try to do a nice thing and people still ask questions-“

Everyone groaned, getting up from their spots and leaving to their rooms to get prepared for the big night. You sent Loki a sympathic glance before going to your floor. You knew he hated going out.

So that’s how you ended up wearing your nicest white, tight-fitting dress that ended a few inches above your knee. It had a long, thick golden embellishment traveling from the bottom to your top left shoulder. It was very classy. And paired with golden heels, you truly felt otherworldly.

You, Nat, and Wanda were all up in each other’s bedrooms, trying to decide each other’s hair and makeup. Wanda was especially skilled with eyeshadow looks for some reason. And Nat more with hair. Your two blessings, you called them.

You three joined the rest of the guys in front of tower, all piling in the long, iconic Stark limo. You definitely hadn’t missed the look Loki gave you as you walked past him to get into the vehicle. He didn’t say anything, so neither did you. You just sent him your signature smile.

Champagne was passed around once in the limo with flashing lights. You were squished between Thor and Loki, which wasn’t exactly a complaint. Thor was cracking jokes to you and calling you “my lady” the entire ride. It was a blast, and you hadn’t even arrived yet. Loki on the other hand, stayed quiet as a mouse. He only said “thank you” when you passed him a glass, and that was it.

Upon arriving, your breath was almost taken away at how fancy the restaurant truly was. Tony never disappointed. Your team’s reserved table had each seat labeled with each of your names on paper.

Nobody noticed, but Loki created an illusion to switch you and Bucky’s seats so you’d be sitting next to him.

Loki allowed you to slide into your chair first before sitting down next to you. He immediately reached for the menu. Seeing that there weren’t enough left for you, you silently read over his shoulder. Without saying anything, he slightly lowered the menu to give you a better look.

Hours passed, and the entire table had fallen a bit tipsy. You were stuffed with more than enough raviolis and champagne. You even accidentally hiccuped while trying to tell a story to the rest, but everyone teased you so much for it, you couldn’t even finish what you were going to say. But how could you be mad? You were having the funniest, and most lovely night of your life with your second family. The rest of the restaurant probably hated all of your guts for your loudness and endless laughter, but none of you cared.

“I’ll be back,” Loki had whispered from beside you. You turned your head, watching him walk away towards the restaurant’s balcony doors. You looked back at your team, seeing they were all occupied with themselves, and followed Loki.

Feeling the fresh breeze outside somehow made you and your bloating feel a bit better. You spotted the familiar dark-haired man gazing out at the buzzing city at the edge of the balcony.

You sucked in a breath before speaking, “May I join you?”

He looked back, “Of course.”

It was always of course, you thought.

Your heels clattered lightly on the tile floor as you made your way next to him. You didn’t know if it was the champagne in your system, but you found yourself standing extremely close, touching shoulders with Loki. But he didn’t make any efforts to move away.

“You seemed awfully quiet during dinner. Is everything okay?” You asked.

Loki looked at his hands, “Just not the ‘going out’ type, remember?” You nodded, looking back at the skyline.

“You know, Loki,” you said, “I never properly thanked you for saving my life back in France months ago.”

You’d had a couple slip ups in missions before, but the entire team remembered that traumatic mission in France extremely well. You truly had been on the verge of dying. So close. But Loki had gotten in there and saved your ass. And Loki remembered, too. But it hurt him too much to think back on it. He’d been so close to never seeing your bright smile, or your infectious giggles again.

“Y/N, I-“

The alcohol in your system didn’t stop you from rambling, “I know I’m late, like, months late, but I just wanted you to know. I am so thankful. I literally owe you my life-“

“You don’t owe me anything, Y/N, heavens,” Loki watched you with a concerned gaze.

You blushed, “Well, I needed to get it off my chest. So, thank you Loki.”

“Well, I couldn’t afford losing the only person on this team I can somewhat stand.”

Your eyes flickered to his, seeing him wear an amused smirk on his face.

“I’m-I’m your favorite Avenger?” You teased. The God rolled his eyes.

Your smile was making your cheeks burn, “FYI...you’re my favorite, too. Well, maybe next to Nat.”

Loki let out a small, breathy laugh. You joined in, making him stare at you once more. His stare was so intense, you didn’t know what to do except awkwardly stare back.

Loki wanted more. He yearned to hear your voice again. So that’s why he said the next thing without thinking.

“You look beautiful tonight. Well, every day, of course. I forgot to tell you when you walked of your room a couple of hours ago, so I’m letting you know now.”

You were so thankful it was dark out, for you just knew that the look on your face was embarassing. You couldn’t believe what you were hearing.

“I think you’re beautiful, too,” You blurted. Loki gave you the softest gaze you’ve ever seen, so you couldn’t help but carefully place your hand on of top his.

Loki tenderly lifted your hand before pressing his lips to the tip of your fingers. All you could do was watch, breathless. He set your hand down before grabbing both sides of your face, and pressing another soft kiss, but to your forehead this time.

“That’s why we’re each other’s favorites,” He smiles cheekily at you.

You giggled, resting your head on his shoulder.

“Indeed.”

—

#x reader #imagine #avengers imagine #avengers #marvel #marvel imagine #loki odinson x reader #loki x reader #loki imagine #loki layfeyson x reader #loki laufeyson #loki odinson #tom hiddleston

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c-is-for-circinate · 4 years ago

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As promised: let's talk Hades, and how acts of abuse can create toxic environments for everyone around them, and also how people react to those environments--and to them being disrupted.

(For reference, I have just kicked Theseus's ass for the first time, it was exactly as satisfying as it was intended to be, and then I got predictably slaughtered a couple of chambers into Styx. Spoilers for everything through that point, but please no spoilers in reblogs/comments for anything after that!) Also, TW for a whole lot of discussion of abuse, particularly verbal and emotional abuse, and abusive familyworkplace dynamics.

Okay, so. To start out with, Hades is an abusive parent. He engages in innumerable acts of verbal and emotional abuse towards his son, because yep, that's what you call it when a parent constantly berates and belittles their kid for every perceived failure, including the ones the parent themselves could have prevented. Sometimes especially the ones the parent could have prevented. Zagreus failed at his office clerk job because Hades refused to teach him how to do it and then blamed him for not already knowing how. Cerberus tore up the lounge because Hades, who was actually there, chose not to stop him. Hades created, possibly deliberately, and then took full advantage of every opportunity he saw to insult and demean his kid, and the clerk job flashback shows us that he was doing so even before the escape attempts started. I'm pretty sure we're all on the same page here, but: yep, that all constitutes abuse, even if they're gods. Even if Hades has reasons for Being Like That. Even if you think Zagreus seems okay and unharmed by it (which: repeatedly throwing yourself into a gauntlet of violence that inevitably ends in your own pain and death because you're so desperate to escape home, not actually an indicator of someone who's okay). We all good on that?

Cool. Because I'm not really here to talk about how Hades' abuse directly impacts Zagreus right now (although there's for sure an essay in that too). I'm thinking about how it impacts everybody else.

Hades isn't as obviously unreasonable with anybody else in his kingdom the way he is with his kid. When we see him lecture somebody else, it's usually for an actual failure to do their job: Hypnos for literally falling asleep on the job and not doing anything that was assigned to him, Megaera for letting us past her so many time, Orpheus for being a court bard who refuses to sing. His attitude is super confrontational and unpleasant, but on the surface it doesn't necessarily look as fucked-up. Thing is, though, whether any individual act of aggression towards an employee/family member is justified or not (I would generally argue 'not', because aggression towards employees/family members is, y'know, not justifiable)--it's not about the individual acts. It's about the entire cultivated atmosphere of toxicity and abuse.

One of the very first things Meg ever says to us is, "I'd rather be on your bad side than his." Up until that point, we've got no reason to believe Meg has any history whatsoever of fucking up at her job. In fact, we've got plenty of reason to believe she's good at it. She's fiercely proud of it, she's frequently Employee Of The [Time Period], and we've apparently never even met her sisters because she handles her shit herself. But she's still scared of Hades. Dusa, who is an anxious wreck at all times because oh god what if she gets fired what if she gets fired what if she gets fired, in spite of apparently being absolutely exemplary at her job, is scared of Hades. Every single shade in the Hall is clearly terrified of Hades, and it's not because of what he's done to each of them. It's what they've seen him do to other people.

Which is how toxic environments work, whether they're work environments or families. The Court of Hades is of course both, always, with the bonus hell layer of you can't quit even if you DIE. An abuser in authority doesn't have to target you in order to make you feel scared, cowed, and desperate to please them. Humans (and gods who are basically extra-powerful humans) are good at learning by example. The residents of the Court get the picture.

So this Court is a minefield--and everyone except Zagreus is very good at tiptoeing around mines. We see it in Meg, so desperate to do her job well. We see that Hypnos very clearly does not give a shit about anything, but he still makes sure to have a list of excuses ready if/when Hades ever confronts him about failure to do his job, just in case. We see it when Achilles tells us that my ability to help you is constrained by the authority your father gives me, or whatever the line was sixty runs ago when he couldn't let me into locked chambers. The system, such as it is, works, and if Nyx talks to Hades as little as possible, if Thanatos avoids the Court entirely, if Achilles treads very carefully and knows how to keep his head down--well that's just the system, right? That's just how things are.

Even Zagreus seems to have had a role in that system as the court fuckup. He's the kid who didn't have a real job or purpose. He could take the focus of Hades' generalized, day-to-day ire off of everyone else, without triggering some of the more direct and violent ire because the work he was doing didn't really matter (a LOT of Hades' rage-triggers seem to be related to job performance, which means that the people with real jobs are of course the most at risk). And he could do so "safely" (big emphasis on the quotation marks there) because he alone of the court is Hades' actual kid, who's Prince of the Underworld no matter how much he fucks up. If one of Nyx's other kids gets something really really wrong, she might be able to protect them from some consequences, but Hades doesn't have any layer of supposed parental affection holding him back from getting violently furious about it. Zagreus gets a nice bedroom and the abuse is limited to words rather than divine power, and Hades is a dick to everyone but he only occasionally condemns people to eternities of torture, and only for good reasons like refusing to sing when your job is to be court bard, so it's fine, everybody's fine, everything's totally fine, right?

Except it's not fine when everybody is so clearly worried about anything going wrong. And it's especially not fine for Zagreus, who's the person to finally say no. He's leaving, for his own sake, because he deserves better and he's finally convinced he can have it. And that turns the whole system into disarray.

I am endlessly fascinated by the ways this game portrays different characters reacting to this upheaval in their carefully-mapped minefield. It's different for authority figures and peers and servants, different based on how people are positioned in the house under Hades' rule, and it's so spot-on and I love it.

Nyx, for instance, is absolutely calm about the whole thing, because Nyx has power. Hades can't hurt her. Hades can't even really do much against her children, not when Hypnos and Thanatos are gods in their own right. Yes, Hades rules the kingdom, but Nyx owns the land, and she gives no shits about his rages. And it's interesting, too, to see the lines she doesn't draw. The deal seems to be that Hades doesn't fuck with her, and doesn't outright threaten her kids (because Hypnos is bad at his job, demonstrably so, and Hades hasn't ruined him yet), and she doesn't interfere with the way he treats the people around him. She gives Zagreus advice and support and the mirror, but she also doesn't take a direct stand against Hades. He can't hurt her, but he could make life...difficult. She's protected, her position in the minefield is more of a safe viewing platform than slogging through the middle of it, but the mines are still there.

And then we have Achilles, who is one of my favorite characters in the whole game because of how he reacts to this whole situation. Achilles, like Nyx, is so supportive. Every single time you see him he has something encouraging to say. He gives us his Codex, secretly finds us weapons, trained us for years, clearly wants us to succeed. And still he's limited, not necessarily out of fear for himself (though he has to be scared for himself, he knows what Hades does to people who anger him), but out of concern that if he gives Zagreus too much help in one way, he won't be able to provide help at all later. He's still so careful.

Achilles and Nyx are so fucking important to this story because they're the only authority figures Zagreus really has in his life except for his father, and they are so supportive. They're what keep this story from being a nightmare of psychological horror and depression. They can't stop the pressure from Hades and this life in his house being miserable for Zag, but they can give us hope, remind us that Zagreus is still loved. And they have such an incredibly important role when it comes to guilt, which is one of the biggest ways toxic systems maintain themselves.

If Zagreus leaves, what happens to everybody else? Who takes Hades' wrath then? Who becomes court scapegoat if he's not there, and also, who gets punished for his escape? These questions matter, and we see him worry about it! He asks Nyx and Achilles both, is it going to be okay that you're helping me, are you going to be alright, will my father hurt you for this? And they are both so firm about telling him no. No, I will be fine. See, here's the list of reasons about why I'm going to be fine, why my position in this minefield is secure. They make a point of telling us that it's fine, that we do not need to hold ourself back from getting out of this abusive situation for their sake. That is instrumental in Zagreus's ability to keep making these escape attempts without feeling too guilty and worried and selfish to go on. (Another thing that's actually really important in setting up that dynamic--we see that Hades cares about Cerberus, even if he's using him as a pawn against us, and Cerberus seems to be the one figure in court who Hades doesn't get mad at. The dog isn't at risk, and that is really essential in keeping the story from getting too grim.) These people who we care about refuse to let themselves be held hostage to secure our good behavior.

It's also really useful for raising the stakes later in the story--we see Hades arguing with Nyx once or twice, and we see Zagreus feeling guilty about it, but it's also a sign that we're making enough progress to piss him off. After I finally made it out of Elysium on my last run, I came home to find him furious with Achilles in a way that actually makes me nervous, because Achilles does not have nearly as much security in his position as he says he does. (Achilles is such a good teacher/authority figure, because he knows goddamn well what Hades could do to him, and still refuses to let fear for his own situation stop him from helping the abused kid under his care escape his. And no, not everybody has the capacity to do that, but it matters so much coming from the guy who helped raise us. It matters so much. I do not even have the words for how much.)

It's also no mistake that many of the people we find supporting us along our journey are either the people with the most power in their immediate environment, or the least. Sisyphus helps us because what more could they do to me than this? Orpheus is a little wild around the eyes and somewhat disconnected from reality, and he wishes us the best because someone should get what they want and also he no longer gives a single fuck what happens to him. Eurydice has her own cozy little corner of Asphodel, as safe from Hades' rage as anybody anywhere in his realm because she's tucked in such an out-of-the-way middle place she's outside his notice. Dusa is so scared of everything anyway that, crush aside, she isn't any more threatened by us escaping than she is just by her everyday life here. Charon is unfathomable and unstoppable; Skelly literally exists to be a punching bag, and yet he also seems basically immune to pain, no matter what we do to him. There's no threat from Hades there.

So the people most at risk when I flip the world on its ear are the ones who have so much standing that they have something to lose, but not enough to protect them from losing it. Which of course brings us to Than and Meg--who are, of course, the two people who also seem by far the most upset by my attempts to leave.

As authority figures, Nyx and Achilles are constantly reinforcing the message that it's Hades' fault, not ours, if they or anybody else get caught in the crossfire of his wrath. I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, and it's not my guilt to bear. From Megaera and Thanatos, we get the opposite message--I am fucking with things, I am hurting people, and I need to stop. Zagreus isn't just abandoning them, as a friend or brother or lover or all of the above they're Greek gods who even knows. He's betraying them. They were in this together, as friends or lovers or whatever, but now Zagreus is sending earthquakes through the minefield they both still have to stand in. He is about to capsize this boat in the middle of a thunderstorm, he is fucking with the system, and they're the ones who are going to get most hurt.

I'm so curious how this is going to work for Than, who out of everyone we meet holds the closest role to Nyx's in terms of being sheltered from Hades' wrath. He's the guy who gets to leave, after all, even though he always has to come back. I've seen the least of him out of anybody so far because it took forever for me to get to Elysium, but two things really stand out and I'm so interested to see where they go. One, he really genuinely does care about Zagreus. He wants us safe, he wants us unhurt, the accessory he gives us only grants its bonus if we clear a room without taking injury, he keeps showing up to help. And two, he wants us to give up and go back and recognize how good we had it. Which is SO fucking interesting, considering how miserable Zagreus so clearly was, and how legitimate his reasons for being miserable were.

It makes me wonder so much about Than's standards for comparison. Does he know something we don't about what's waiting for us on the surface, something that might theoretically hurt Zagreus even more than staying down below? Has his life, which apparently allows him more freedom than anybody else in the Court, sucked horribly in ways we haven't seen, and that's why he spends so little time there in the first place? Either of those things is plausible, both of those things are plausible, and yet either one leads to this sense of patronizing, because he refuses to simply tell us. If something terrible is awaiting us, don't give us vague warnings, tell us what it is and let us decide for ourself! If you're fucking jealous because we might get out entirely and you're still stuck coming back here, say so. If you're worried about your mom--and he does bring her up, how could Zagreus turn his back on her like that, does seem to worry for her--then let's have an actual conversation about how many times she has insisted I do this and also how much I love her.

And, right, it's clear that a lot of Thanatos being upset is simply, you were going to leave me without even saying goodbye, you want to leave ME, which is understandable! But, like, he is demonstrably the one god who gets to visit the surface. He's the one person we actually COULD expect to see again. And he is absolutely also upset because there's an Order To Things, and we're fucking it up. We used to be his careless callow reckless friend who could talk back to Hades and get away with it, and now we're not, and everything is changing and we might leave him altogether, and we might leave him alone in that court without us, and he hates it.

Is it a short-sighted, selfish fear on his part? Yes, absolutely. Even if he's not scared of Hades on his own behalf, he is still frightened by what happens if we upset this system--and maybe it's the sanctity of a much bigger system than the Underworld that he's worried about! Maybe it's the whole divine and cosmic order. Whatever system he wants so badly to protect is enabling the abuse Zagreus has been dealing with for however-long he's been alive. Whatever system he wants so badly to protect OUGHT to be overturned, or at least shaken up. But this is what toxic systems DO. They convince the people within them that they have to be maintained, that a broken system that hurts the people within it is far better than no system at all, that changing the world is too scary and too dangerous. And Thanatos wants his whatever-Zagreus-is-to-him to be there, because he loves him and also because that's how the world works, and those things are all tangled up in one another, and that is how relationships are in a messed-up family like this so therefore I love it.

And Meg. Meg, the best for last, my dear, beautiful, furious, bitter, scared angry tired girl. I adore her. I am absolutely never going to date her, because the thing Zagreus needs most in his life hurts her, more directly than anybody else in the story, and that sucks, and it's not Zag's fault but they still shouldn't be together. Meg has taken more injury from this situation than anyone, quite literally as well as metaphorically, and it's not her fault any more than it's ours, but oh boy it has made her lash out and it's awful and it's perfect.

Meg's place in the Court of Hades is unique because she's not dead, not a mortal, not anything other than a god--but she's also not family. Nyx is not her mother. She's very much part of this system, she and her two sisters belong to Hades-the-realm and therefore also Hades-the-king, she can't leave, but she also doesn't have that protection of Nyx watching out for her in the same way. She's not royalty. She and her sisters (if you ask Hesiod instead of Virgil, which seems to be the interpretation the game's going with here) sprang from the blood of maimed Uranus at the same time as Aphrodite, but fuck knows Aphrodite isn't claiming them as siblings. And she can't be fired, exactly, but she sure can be demoted, and she sure can be made miserable in her job. Meg is vulnerable in a way very few people in Hades' employ are. She's a lot harder to do away with than any one random shade, but she's also a lot harder to miss blending in with a crowd.

What's more, she's the one person in this whole mess who is specifically tasked with stopping us from leaving. Hypnos isn't ordered to put us to sleep and keep us in our room. Thanatos can't be compelled or punished if he doesn't hunt us down. Achilles isn't told to lock us up and keep the keys. Meg is the one stationed at the doorway to Tartarus to keep us in. Meg is the one who gets in trouble when we leave. Meg (who Hades knows goddamn well Zagreus cares for, or cared for, who he absolutely knows we used to date) is the one who has to fight us again and again and again. And she's the one who keeps dying.

Again, it's this incredibly fucked-up guilt/hostage situation deliberately designed to keep people from fleeing abusive situations. Meg's insistence on fighting us now puts Zagreus in the position of having to hurt her himself again and again. Now suddenly we're the ones sticking a sword in our ex-girlfriend. Now suddenly someone can point to our desire to leave, to flee, to escape, and say, how selfish. How cruel. How terrible of us to want to go, when we're even willing to hurt the people we love to do it.

Except, right: Hades is the one who demands Meg stand there and stop us. Hades is the one who puts both of us in that position. Meg is also in an abusive situation, and she's willing to hurt us to protect herself. "I'd rather be on your bad side than your father's." It's easy to blame her at the start for being complicit, for being a tool of our father's abuse, for being on his side. It gets harder as the game goes on. I've killed her so many times. There's no way for her to beat me. She knows at this point that she can't beat me. She still fights, every single time, still throws herself upon that spike, not because she thinks she has any chance of stopping me but because she is so damn scared of what will happen if she doesn't try.

In fact, Meg's the one person we have actually seen face consequences for our actions so far, instead of just facing the threat of them. Her sisters are here. Her sisters, who she clearly does not want here, who are wild and violent and who she does not want in her life or anywhere near her, let alone near the job she takes so much pride in. She gets to deal with them now. (Hades doesn't have to deal with them. They're still not allowed in his court. But Meg does.) She gets stabbed, and bludgeoned, and shot, and lightning-struck, and poisoned, and every other thing we do to her. Thanatos doesn't. Nyx and Achilles and Hypnos don't. Bug Meg? Oh yes. Meg pays.

And yes, ok, she is complicit in this system. Everybody is complicit in this system. Zagreus who's trying to escape on his own behalf instead of overthrowing his father for the sake of everyone he'd otherwise be leaving behind is complicit in this system. Pointing fingers and pulling strings of who's more at fault? and who do we blame for this? is exactly how this sort of system perpetuates itself. Your sister always talked back at the dinner table and put everyone in an even worse and more violent mood. Your coworker refuses to work more than forty hours a week so now you have to take overtime to pick up their slack. You're enabling your dad by asking your sister to shut up, you're enabling your employer by working as hard as you do so you don't get fired, everyone's at fault, everyone's to blame, everyone is--

It's not everyone. It's Hades. It's Hades at the root of everything, and probably something big and institutional and fucked-up even beyond him. But even if everyone down in this Underworld does have to be trapped here forever, even if he's trapped here forever, Hades is neither challenging the system that put them here nor trying to make that fate better for anyone else stuck with him. He's just created an entire kingdom of backbiting and misery and people who can either go along with his whims or suffer the consequences.

At this point in the game, Meg is so fucking tired. Every time we run into her in the lounge, hunched over a table, the venom in her voice when she tells us "Do I look like I have anything to say to you?" is so bitter and so exhausted. There was a system, and she knew her place in the system, and it was a system divinely ordered by the gods themselves, and sure it was cruel but that's the literal will of the universe as far as she knows it. She had a role, and her role was vengeance and punishment and violence against those who'd committed the most egregious of sins in life, and there was a point to it, she was the divine deterrent to convince people not to do those things, and that was just, and that was right. The GODS THEMSELVES said so. How do you argue with that? You can't possibly argue with that!

And Zagreus is arguing with that. In trying to leave, he's questioning the unbreakable rule that nothing in the Underworld ever gets to leave it. In disobeying his father to do so, he's questioning the unbreakable rule that what the gods say is LAW. He's breaking everything.

And of course he's not trying to do any of that. He's not trying to destabilize the system at all. He's just trying to get himself out of it, to a place where he feels like he belongs and maybe a parent who's slightly nicer to him than this one. But toxic systems like this one break when the people within them have access to another option. When the kids find a way to actually leave, and not answer the phone, and not come home for holidays, and not deal with it any more. When the employees have the economic freedom to quit. When opportunities granted by education, money, social support, etc etc etc, show up and give people a choice. Even if the option is only ever for Zagreus--he's demonstrating that an option exists. Which is, of course, the one thing the system cannot ever allow.

I really like this game.

#hades game #hades spoilers #C plays stuff #driveby meta attack

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