#and then the 'i don't stick up for myself im anxious and nothing can help' 😣😣😣😣 my shayla....

[insomnya777]

jimmy solidarity u r so brutal by olivia rodrigo coded i love u

[sororygilmore]

did you guys know i’m so insecure i think that i’ll die before i drink and im so caught up in the news of who likes me and who hates you and I'm so tired that I might quit my job, start a new life and they'd all be so disappointed cause who am I, if not exploited? and I'm so sick of 17, where's my fucking teenage dream? if someone tells me one more time “enjoy your youth” I'm gonna cry and I don't stick up for myself i'm anxious and nothing can help and I wish I'd done this before and I wish people liked me more all I did was try my best this the kind of thanks I get? unrelentlessly upset, they say these are the golden years but I wish I could disappear, ego crush is so severe, god, it's brutal out here

[kayleafeon]

What to do when:

depressed

no motivation

have test on wednesday, midterm on thursday, quiz on friday that haven't studied for

have philosophy paper due friday already got week extension for haven't started yet

have computer science assignment due friday haven't started yet

can't start computer science assignment until past 4 completed, only done one so far

been sick for a week and and an extra weekend

mental health is trashed

completely torpedoed personal life a month ago over something really stupid

too anxious about everything to make progress on anything

also too anxious to talk to profs about struggling

can't even tell the whole story of why personal life torpedoed because of sensitive topics involved

no therapist and waitlists are 6 months+

have to go home and deal with family from friday evening through to wednesday morning next week, knowing they'll poke about personal life but not being able to explain fully because sensitive topics again

only real community you have is in the university city but not at the university and very far away from hometown with family

so overwhelmed you just shut down

can't stop deflecting and avoiding responsibilities

probably going to fail out of program

can't even care though because everything is meaningless and i don't even want to be in this program anyway

only reason i'm still here is because i like the program's student society and the ring that i get if i graduate

been spending money on lottery tickets instead of anything useful because the scratching noise is the only thing that calms you anymore

know that in posting this your sister and your ex might see it but don't know where else to go

could go to advice reddit but post would probably be removed by mods and/or people wouldn't give helpful advice

everything feels pointless anyway with world as it is atm

feel bad for not feeling worse about that and just being numb to it

also feel bad for not trying hard enough to make it better or to do better myself

kinda just want to stop existing but only to the point of somewhat reckless carelessness not any actual ideas

just need to write everything out somewhere because otherwise going to scream

also have doctor's appt next week that will change nothing because the family doctor is retiring and can't be bothered to switch medications, just increase dosages

which we've already tried twice and isn't helping btw

and this is how i'm feeling while on the antidepressants and adhd medication

only thing i actually want to do is sleep and kinda strangely donate blood but i can't do the latter for another 2 months

sounding increasingly unhinged as post continues

oh i guess i also want to play league but i've managed to stick to my conviction of not allowing kernel level anticheats on my laptops for almost a year and it's kinda the only thing i've got going for me at this point

missed out on the one community i enjoy's events for two events in a row because sick

writing this all during a cs lecture because i can't even pretend that i am focused or understand what's going on

know that this is probably enough info to doxx me but can't bring myself to care

kinda hope one of my classmates or profs find this

feel bad about eating out a lot because of public speaking presentation from yesterday

likewise about not exercising because of my own group's public speaking presentation from last week

need to respond to people who were going to play pandemic legacy campaign with me to say it's cancelled because im too depressed

also need to read stuff for philosophy class in <1 hour but can't be bothered

might just talk to my philosophy prof about everything because she's pretty chill and it's a small class and it's not required for me to graduate so i can always drop the class if needed

also really don't want to fail the term though because it would fuck up scheduling with the few people that i actually know and i would just be even more alone

wish i could just start on things before they were due but can't even manage that after failing two courses last term

why can't i make my stupid brain learn

i want to just live at home and sleep and do nothing all day but living at home is even more stressful because my mom is always making me clean stuff if i'm "not doing anything important" and gets mad if i say that i'm too mentally exhausted from existing

could just leave and go sleep at the park nearby but then i'd be too out in the open

esp seeing as that park is very interlinked with my trauma

but also just don't want to have to deal with any people at all whatsoever

desk leaving angry red marks on my forearms while i type but can't be bothered to change my position

wanna go back to before i had awareness of the world around me and/or quarantine times when staying home doing nothing was normal

hate hate hate adult life i don't want it why can't i just be a child of a billionaire who is set for life in terms of money but doesn't have to talk to anyone including parents

why can't i just motivate myself like everyone else

realize i sound very much like an angsty 14 year old and hate myself even more for it

how does everyone else manage

actually found myself staring at the kitchen knives at a convenience store and thinking about how relieving it would be to run the edge of one over my skin and let myself bleed just a little bit before realizing how fucked up that is and forcing myself to walk away from the aisle

don't understand how my mental health has gotten this bad, it doesn't make any sense

why is it worse now than when i figured out what had actually happened was traumatic i thought i had processed most of it why now why now why now it doesn't make sense

i just want everything to stop, just for a moment, please

If you have any advice please share because idk what to do atp.

[velvetporcelain]

unemployed & beautiful

damn happy Monday my love. started the morning out right. ice and no school. yes, puts me in a mood that I don't know what to do with. a good, anxiously happy one.

there are many things to can choose from today. will it be things of my free will or will it be chains and things, like chores and things that I dint want to do that make me feel like a slave--? I don't know what kind of sadistic shit I want to pull out of my head today so I remain idle, and longing for movement.

the winter has got me feeling like a cooped up chicken just laying eggs. so I start looking into planning my anniversary.

hmm. where do you take a man that moves and thinks differently? I thought about painting again, but I wanted something a bit more connecting- escape room. yes- then a steak dinner at one of the best running steakhouses in St. Louis, according to google. I have already made my appointment for my double nipple piercing and every time I think about it, it really sets the tone for me. Im get excited and pushy, I want to fast forward, but we all know deadlines hit you best when you're not looking. so I remain blinded, voluntarily blinded and distracted, id say that im good at that. it is usually when I ignite my creative side, and let go of the need to consume, consume, consume.

Today I feel like I need to be consuming something, but that's not really my style if I'm honest, I love creating, and I love that I get better and better at it every time its put to use. self satisfaction is the most satisfying feeling. things and choices you have made on your own, at your own will, and on your own time. intimate experience with yourself in the creating process. that's real satisfaction. I like that creativity gives you the chance to change the things that you cannot except. There is no reality in creativity, which makes it a main power source of the human mind. Sometimes I think it can take you too far, but then again, art should disturb the comfortable. and we all know how comfortable we can get.

its like when I get comfortable, I get anxious, it is when my mind is the most creative. I don't like being comfortable. if that makes sense mentally. I like pushing myself past the margins of "what is" and run with the idea of "what if", well, because I can.

I am grateful for the stillness amongst my chaos. nestled right underneath the chaos of the real world.

the other day my daughter told me my son said she was going to hell. I said " we are already here" I suppose that is score belief of mine. I think that the only heaven on earth is in fact inside the human mind. it is not a place of glory, it is peace of mind. Dying with peace is heaven. the truth is no one knows, and I love how self righteous humans can be , especially when it comes to religion itself.

what if hell was your memory? and yeah being stuck in your memories is hell. even if the memories were good, it still creates some type of hell. like a mad scientist trying to recreate his most successful expriement and expecting the same results. it just doesn't work like that. I believe that the only way to use memory advantageously is to learn from it and let it go. do not try to repeat things that were once successful to a higher mindset, It will bring you down. Being present to me, means staying in the middle of past and future, but then again I can't help but think we wake up our future selfs everyday, and nothing is ever present. presence only presents itself as the clock face. humans hate time. maybe even time can be hell. who knows.

so today! yes, today. what shall I do? just be? just flow? create? love? conquer?

I swear to god, if I hear anything nor about Taylor swift and how the women energy makes a males performance that much more enhanced-- like any fucking woman didn't know that already-- im gonna fucking puke.

fuck her and her red lip stick. okay okay, I know we aren't suppose to bash other women, but fuck her. lol she dated and used men up for each album and I think that is so genius that I hate her. HA HA

wow how raw today, I laugh at myself and say that is what happens when im anxiously idle. I think. I say. I do. is this impulse? or feelings? are we more impulsive when we are happy or when we are angry? again, impulse keeps the living alive. obviously it has pulse in its name so----- -----

gotta get more dedicated to taking care of myself, instead of killing myself. that's what I want. dedication to self preservation. I think I can manage, im halfway there with some high habits to break, but that doesn't scare me, I know what im capable of, which can work with me at times and can work against me at time, but only if I let it. my weaknesses are real, but fixable, satisfiable, and im really good at self soothing.

for fuck sake. bring on the healing.

auf wiedersehen.

-x

[cosmictulips]

*sigh* I guess my problem is that I want to do everything and it stresses me out and it's a vicious cycle and I can't really control it lmao

~le sigh~

GUYS. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing lmao. I'm looking at these tarot decks and I'm over here like "hon hon hon I want them"

and then it's like, I'm over here wanting to pick up tarot videos again. and i caught myself.

because I know this pattern LOL. I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING. IM TAKING TOO MUCH ON AGAIN.

I don't really know how to control it. because I want to do it all. I want to do all these things that make me happy. but I ain't got the time lmao.

NO

I CAN MAKE THE TIME.

THE PROBLEM IS THAT I CANT STICK TO A SCHEDULE. because my mind wanders, and then I get anxious and then it's like what about all the other things you have to do and then I FREEZE.

AND DONT DO ANYTHING.

AND NOTHING HELPS. I HAVE THIS BEAUTIFUL PLANNER. RIGHT. FULL OF THINGS I NEED TO DO, WANT TO DO, ETC

BUT I CANT FUCKING FOCUS. I GET SO OVERWHELMED TOO EASILY.

like even just typing it out now just makes me nervous lmao because I know I have other things I should be doing.

but what about the other thing! people are waiting for you to respond to them. and it just goes and goes and goes.

[rant-2-me]

My mental state has just worsened over the days, though I'm not sure why, and I just feel so unmotivated and lacking any energy to practice any self care other than napping, and also feel anxious because I'm not studying enough.. feel like I'm just 1/4th assing my responsibilities.. And when someone asks me how I'm doing, sometimes I blurt out that I'm not fine, and the guilt I feel afterwards for making them worry, so I find myself withdrawing from initiating conversation with them, even though I really want to, and this makes them worry about me more.. I just don't know anything anymore, everything feels too much, yet I can't rant in a clear conscience without feeling guilty for bothering them, and thinking how I don't deserve to complain because they have had so much worse (yes I know pain is relative, but I feel so horrible, like a whiny child, who doesn't know how to be content with her blessings)......

Sorry I know it's a lot.. feel free to delete it if it's triggering or making you uncomfortable in any way... I just needed to get it out..

My lovely nonnie, im so, so glad you sent this ask. and got it all out of your system. yeah this sounds cheesy but like ive been there, with not knowing how to reach out—im proud you had the courage to send this ask. girlboss vibes.

also this ask took a while to answer and im so so sorry about that, but I didnt want to do anything less than the best for you, so let's just jump right in <[:)

Lacking motivation, god I've been there, but doing self care is super super important so here is a how-to, hon.

How to do selfcare when you’re not motivated to:

1. Be a little “gross.”

Gross is in quotes because it’s so subjective, but you undoubtedly have a few behaviors you consider kind of gross regardless. Now’s the time to do them without judgment. For me, that’s meant showering less, eating weird food combos (sometimes in bed), and letting my brows and mustache grow magnificently unruly. For you, it could mean doing something you normally judge yourself for or cutting back on activities you only do for the benefit of others. Now is not the time to allow “socially acceptable” behaviors to rule you.

2. Eat whatever the hell you want.

This should be a rule always, but I’m not going to pretend there aren’t societal, social, and personal pressures that go into why we eat what we eat. Try to shut down the voice that judges or polices what you’re eating right now. We’re in the middle of a goddamn pandemic. If dinner has to be some slices of cheese and deli meat eaten in front of the open fridge, so be it. If you have a lot of cravings and are snacking more than you normally would, cool. If pre-pandemic you decided you were going to stick to a certain meal plan and it’s just not happening anymore? Don’t beat yourself up.

Yes, what we eat is connected to our mental health, and I don’t want to discount that—but if the stress of eating healthfully is making you feel like crap anyway, whether that’s because you can’t fathom cooking or don’t have the means to shop for certain foods during isolation, just eat the sleeve of Oreos and try again another day. It’s okay.

3. And wear whatever you want.

Or, more realistically, wear whatever you can. Even if it means wearing the same ratty sweatpants for a whole week. Or month. Maybe you started all this out aspiring to get dressed every day to work from home productively, or maybe you have a whole collection of comfortable loungewear you feel guilty for not utilizing. Whatever arbitrary rules and expectations you’ve set for yourself, you can throw them out.

On the other hand, maybe you need to quiet the voice that tells you there’s no point in getting dressed or feeling presentable. If it helps, by all means, play with your look, wear awesome or weird outfits, do your hair and makeup or whatever activity might feel a little silly given your current reality. In the middle of a pandemic, nothing is a waste of time if it makes you feel good.

4. Use shortcuts to avoid creating chores.

In my first week or so of working entirely from home, I was baffled by just how messy my apartment got. How on earth were so many messes piling up when I wasn’t even doing anything but working, sleeping, and eating? I hadn’t realized it, but a lot of my small tidying routines had become casualties to the pandemic. And, it turns out, slacking on the little ways I pick up after myself every day (such as doing the dishes right after I use them) added up quickly.

Instead of forcing myself to stick to the same levels of tidiness that I used to maintain, I’ve found shortcuts. For example, I use paper plates and plastic cutlery when I feel too fatigued to wash dishes so they don’t sit in the sink for days on end. Or I stick to the same two “outfits” to avoid clothes piling up when I’m too depressed to put them away every day. If you can find a small way to go easy on yourself, even if it feels a little wasteful or indulgent or gross, it’s okay to tap into those shortcuts right now.

5. Be kind to yourself if your place is messy or dirty.

I won’t lie: I’m someone whose space impacts my mental health a lot. Typically, keeping my apartment clean helps keep my mental health in check and letting my apartment get gross makes me feel worse. That’s still true in a lot of ways, but to adapt I’ve been trying to be mindful and accepting of where I’m at. And it’s…helped?

It turns out that taking the pressure off does a lot to mitigate the guilt and some of the other negative mental health effects I usually experience. In practice, it involves a lot of talking to myself. Instead of seeing my apartment turning into a depression cave and immediately thinking, “Oh, God, I need to clean up, this is so disgusting, I’m a monster for living like this, of course I feel depressed,” I go for kindness. I think (or even say out loud because, well, desperate times), “Of course my apartment is a mess right now. I’ll get to it when I get to it. I can handle the mess for now.”

6. Accept your new sleep schedule.

idk anyone whose sleep hasn’t been screwed in some way by all of this. Anxiety, depression, fatigue, pent-up energy from sheltering in place, tech use, new work responsibilities, screwy schedules…pretty much every aspect of our new reality can impact our sleep. Some people are sleeping a lot more, some are sleeping a lot less, and some are cycling through both extremes. Oh, and the temptation of naps! It’s all there.

Trying to maintain a healthy sleep schedule during all of this is a worthy endeavor—and more power to you if you’ve figured out how—but there’s a good chance that it feels impossible.

By “accepting” your new sleep schedule, I don’t mean pretending it doesn’t suck; I mean doing what you can to be gentle on yourself about it. For me, acceptance has looked like watching some comfort tv and reading my favourite books at 2 a.m. instead of staying in bed and anxiety-spiraling about how I can’t sleep. Is it ideal? No way. But I’m not going to waste energy stressing about something I currently can’t control.

7. Give yourself plenty of room to do absolutely nothing.

I’ve given myself permission to do a whole lot of nothing. That includes getting rid of the pressure to be productive and practice self-care, yes, but in a broader sense, it also means not forcing myself to actively “adjust” every day.

Some days, I just need to do nothing but feel my feelings. Or avoid feeling my feelings. Or stare at the ceiling. Give yourself space to do (or not do) whatever you need to.

also, nonnie? my love?

Never feel guilty about telling someone who cares about you when you don’t feel okay.

People who genuinely care about you—and I’m sure they are many—will care if you aren’t feeling good, there are always going to be people who care about you, who want you to be okay, that’s why they ask, why people make rant, why “how are you?” is such a common question.

But if you do need to talk, but you feel like you’ll “burden” people who you do talk to, here’s a guide to ranting.

Guide to ranting:

1. Pick the right person. Someone who’s in the right headspace to listen to you, you could also pick someone who cares about you—if you’re anxiety tells you nobody cares about you, pick someone who “should” care about you in your relationship, e.g: a friend you’ve had for a long time, a friend who’s told a few of their problems, or friend you might not feel close with, but seems very kindhearted and a good listener.

2. Pick the right time to talk to them, so you can have their undivided attention. If they are busy—as most people will be with something—they’ll have a hard time giving you good advice and listening to you. Ask them when they are free, and then ask them:

3. “hey, can we talk? I’m not mad or you or anything, it’s just that I have been not feeling great, and I just want to rant to someone about it.” and “No pressure to say yes, you might have your own stuff to do deal with.” to make sure they are the right person to talk to.

4. It’s ok to test the waters. Start slowly, you don’t have to share everything at once if you don’t want to.

5. You never know how your friend will react to what you say.While you can’t know how they’ll react, just remember that sometimes people’s initial reactions may come from a place of shock, surprise or not knowing what to say. Their initial reaction isn’t always their longerterm reaction, it may just take them a little time to process.

6. Look for ways to take action. Don’t get me wrong, ranting can be amazing for you, but on its own may not solve your problem.

But maybe venting to people isn’t for you. No matter! There are other ways to get out emotions:

Ways to rant without talking to anyone

1. Cry it out— simple and rewarding. When the baggage is just too heavy to carry cry it out. It can help you ease the pressure and ease your mind to think straight after days of holding that frustration in.

2. Work out — easy and fun. tire yourself out and release all the frustration in working out! This is going to be so satisfying for you as you try and punch, kick, balance, lift, and breathe those frustrations away.

3. Clean & rearrange — practical and can be fun. we get frustrated by so many things and one thing that can truly help clear our minds is to have a clean place where we can stay and live for the moment to breathe. Clean your room, rearrange your things and you’ll be surprised by the satisfaction this brings — a signal of a new beginning.

4. Scribble — simple and fun. Make scribbles, doodles, drawings, take a pen or a pencil, and let go. It does not have to be “good” art or professional at all. Just draw whatever comes to heart, sunflowers or clouds or rainbows—anything.

5. Write it down — fun and simple. Let those words out of your head and just live in the moment.

How to fight the lack of motivation.

1. Don't fight the lack of motivation.

If you feel down or unable to muster tons of energy, let it be ok. Be easy on yourself and acknowledge that it's ok to have a dip, especially at this time of the year.

2. Once you have accepted your slump, get to the bottom of it.

Ask yourself, "What is the root cause of this sluggish feeling?" Go deeper than the obvious reasons. Is it related to work? Your personal life? Relationships? It might also just be the weather. Get clear on what areas of your life you're feeling the most resistance.

3. Dig into that area. What is not ideal about this aspect of your life? What would make it better?

Make a list of how you'd like your current situation to improve--and be specific. If you truly can't find a reason to be less than enthusiastic, then accept your feelings and let them pass with time.

4. Take your list of what is missing and go through it.

What is holding you back from being able to create the things that are missing in your life?

5. Get support for creating the life you want.

Do some research and find an expert to help you. Even though they love you, friends and family aren't objective enough, and they tend to give advice that is a reflection of their own life and insecurities.

6. Think of current habits that are contributing to a less-than-ideal life.

Maybe it's fear, laziness, or not having enough confidence. Pick one to focus on.

7. Address this habit over the next 2 months.

They say it takes 28 days to create a new habit, but this varies from person to person. If you focus on it for two months, you are sure to build the neural pathways needed to call it a new way of being.

8. Buy a book, read articles or do some research on this particular behavior or feeling.

Read about the common causes of this habit as well as the proven ways to bust through and work around it.

9. Create a plan around shifting your current habit.

Make sure that changing this habit ultimately helps you move forward in the area of your life that is not ideal. The energy from clarity, awareness and then action will immediately get you feeling more motivated, no matter what.

10. When all else fails: make a list of activities that excite you, and do one of them right now.

Talk to a fun friend, dance around at home, workout, watch a funny YouTube video, tackle something on your to-do list. Accomplishing something will give you a hit of dopamine in your brain. If you're too overwhelmed by your day, sit for five minutes and meditate. Put on some soothing music and breathe.

okay, that's all nonnie, I hope you feel the lust for life in your lungs, please have all my love, i hope this helped, this ask took a while, but it was worth if it helps

and if you need to dont worry to send another ask, if you like spam the inbox!! queen!!!

take care, much love my sweet honey, bye <3

—*putting daisies in your hair as they leave* mod peppermint <[:)

[deepdarkdelights]

BESTIE. tell me brutal by olivia rodrigo doesnt just scream persephone to you. "quit my job, start a new life, and they'd all be so disappointed cause WHO AM I IF NOT EXPLOITED" !!!! "and I'm so sick of seventeen, wheres my fucking teenage dream? If someone tells me one more time 'enjoy your youth' I'm gonna cry. I don't stick up for myself, IM ANXIOUS AND NOTHING CAN HELP" !!!!!!!!! BRO!!!!!! and the chorus "all i did was try my best, this the kind of thanks i get" ?????!!!!!! "they say these are the golden years but i wish i could disappear" like duuuuuude so many parallels. also that one part where she goes "i only have two real friends and lately i'm a nervous wreck" that whole song just screammmssssss persephone mc to me. anyways enjoy my word vomit i guess

THIS FITS SO WELL!

I enjoyed this so much lol, I actually really like that song.