#and then that person happened to be in my life. im so lucky. im so lucky!! im going to explode!!!
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🐰🕸🌙
#i have so many behaviours and fears and#no emotional regulation and issues and disorders and fearrrrr#and i do not know how to explain it so that ppl who dont relate can possibly understand it#but it is like i am trapped in a nightmare dimension where everything is always bad#my brain isnt even wired to see anything in a positive or hopeful light#which is how humans are wired typically to ensure survival lol#in swedish avpd is also called anxious personality disorder#which can clue in on the fact that if you know what a personality disorder is#(your brain hasnt developed normally but in a disordered way. often bc of trauma etc)#my brain is wired to be anxious abt wverything all the time#so i always naturally see everything in a negative and dark and bad and horrible light#which is fucking terrible. it makes life exhausting and like a constant fight#other ppl dont get that bc their brains arent wired to have this horrible outlook on EVERYTHING#so thid just gives me extreme trust issues and my brain always fights to make sense of things#bc it cannot do so in a rational manner#and basically i just feel so ashamed when i think of how like... overly emotional and fearful i am#as soon as anything happens im like wow this person literally wants to kill me bc humans are evil#which i know intellectually isnt tru bc if it was i'd be dead by now 💀#ig i just feel so lucky that one person still is my friend after almost 2yrs now#despite my whateverthefuck moments when idek what im saying..#'working thru my emotions' in a way that doesnt make sense#esp when hes seen some of what i've written and im like NOOO i was spiraling when i said that i dont mean that i think most likely i dont#anyway.. feeling grateful 🙏 i wish i was normal#or at least had th ability to have connections and relationships most ppl w mental illness are still capable of having#avpd is fucked upppp it is such a weird mental disability.... 0-o#bc of my fear i also struggle with relaxing into it bc im like no imma fuck it up soon or no hes gonna leave me soon bc i suck and dont#deserve having him in my life at all. i really wish my brain wasnt wired to be terrified like i hate my brain and myself like why cant#i just be normal!!!!!! ☹️ i am thankful for every moment still.
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Not really in the mood. Honestly, I hate men. Sadly, in Mexico, it's kinda typical hearing stories of public transportation (combis, taxis) taking women to places to harm them, but you can't do anything. The only way for people without cars or bikes like me is going in those, thinking good people are driving them. But yesterday was not my case. A dickhead took the opportunity. I was the last person on the combi, and he tried to take me to a lonely place. It was the scariest moment of my life, and I was only able to escape because I started screaming so loud that some mechanic place could hear me and he let me go. I had to run in a lonely place, and when I tried to report it, they told me I couldn't because I was not harmed, and some people tried to console me saying he only wanted to scare me. They do this often to girls. Fxxck him, fxxxk them. Why is it normal to scare girls and make them think they are gonna be assaulted or killed?
#im not 8m angry yesterday i was scare he really got his comit i was crytin shaking#my ohone distractme jut and haurs cuase the rest i was just bad#now im angry and mad whit myself for not taking pictures of his face or his placas#cause maybe whit probes i coukd denunce him#im just so mas know it was normal know friend that had happen this some of poeple that we are saldy harm#and i was lucky that inly got scare#but sooo mad#but im gona continue my life cause dickhed like him donse desevr my entire days to be full of scare tought#im gona continue go and do my things like my things#cause he didn't got his comimt im not scare anymore fuck him#mux.tx#mexico#personal rant
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watching a new movie and its bashing my brains in both as an artist and as someone who like JUST lost a very close relative who developed alzheimers
#hi i might talk about that for a second.#this is the very first personal family death ive experienced in my life#like someone i grew up with#im very lucky to have made it to 20 before it happened#i think im jsut very paranoid now#and like. hyper aware of how much Shit focuses on death.#all the time all around us#i cant escape it everything has someone die in it or an allusion to death it is truly the equalizer#so my brains just been cookin#anyway funerals on friday i dont really know how i feel
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aaaaghhh im going insane i love my wife so much!!!!!!!!
#shut up dave#ITS. AGHHHH. you guys dont understand dawn is SO delightful to have around.#like so so much its. its like they took everything thats lovely and beautiful and good and they made it into a person#and then that person happened to be in my life. im so lucky. im so lucky!! im going to explode!!!#this past week and a bit weve been together every time i got to hug her it was like. oughhhhhhh aaaahhhh#all the evil has left my body. i am now at peace and feel more loved than any other time#and rn were just chatting and its insane how good it is. we can be talking abt nothing and id be having the best time#sorry for being a little gay on main im just overwhelmed with feelings. i love her so much
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i know periods of loneliness come and go and i know that it’s Okay!!!! or whatever but also i’m really sick of it lmfao and it feels like it’s lasting Too Long this time and i really want a change but also every time this has changed i’ve just ended up feeling lonely in different ways . does anybody know what to do about this
#like it’s not about being ‘friendless’ tho ofc that’s been a factor at times#it’s that even when this isn’t a factor i still feel like it’s useless and that i’m just as lonely as i was when i was alone#like DAMN maybe i’m the problem fr and i’ve found the few people in my life that will ever love me#and that’s all i get.#okay DEEP BREATH. IM ONLY TWENTY. IM ONLY TWENTYYYYYYY#but u know what. when you’ve felt this way for almost half your life . through periods of friendlessness and periods of being surrounded#by friends. it’s real hard to believe that it will ever go away fully.#like what if it doesn’t matter and it’s just me. and i’m not the kind of person that gets to feel any way but this . but whatever i think#it’s actually chill#*through gritted teeth* i’m only twenty.#and i never mean to sound ungrateful for the people i do have bc i really feel lucky in a lot of ways . but 1) they’re all far away#and 2) it’s really easy for that to feel like that’s not enough when i’m seemingly surrounded by people who are just so natural at#connecting with people . when i had to fight and claw my way towards every meaningful thing that’s ever happened to me#and i’m sure that’s not fair but i mean….. you can only feel on the outside of everything for so long before you start to believe that it’s#your fault and that it’s where you belong . but no i’m chill#i’m CHILL.
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"First gay experience", "first gay date", "first gay sex"
#hatter blathers#gif#LIKE CANT SOMEONE JUST HAVE AN EXPERIENCE THAT HAPPENED TO BE GAY#AND IM SO TIRED OF PEOPLE ACTING LIKE YOURE ONLY GAY/QUEER IF YOU HAVE/HAD ROMANTIC/SEXUAL EXPERIENCEZ#OR TREATING THEM AS SOMETHING SOOOOO INHERENTLY DIFFERENT FROM STRAIGHT DATES#like im sorry im so pissed about it but it feels so alienating from everyone in the community where all they talk about is sex and dates etc#like theres nothing wrong w/ that ofc but i YEARN for any queer event focused on something different#like where we do something and hang out and we just happen to be queer#if someone starts dating then good for them but this isnt the main focus of this group#like this isnt a gay bookstore vs gay bar debate since my stance is that we need both#idk... im just feel disconnected from everyone as an autistic lesbian whos also probably kinda ace (havent figured it out yet)#like i already struggle with human relations and people sometimes i feel like theres nothing that interests people outside of them#and im bothered with making these gay dates or sex sooooo inherently different from “straight” ones#like i get that it can be a big deal to someone personally and thats ok more power to you#but for someone like me who was lucky to figure it out at 13 and never even considered dating a man its just.... a date#you know what i mean?#idk i know i probably sound like a jealous lonely weirdo but it is what it is#im no longer jealous about peoples relationships. not nearly as much as i used to#i have other things to do and if ill find someone then thats cool. if not then i still can do cool things and lead an impactful life#but its hard sometimes when you feel like everyone puts romantic relationships on such a pedestal#and acts like this is the only important thing in life#ehhhhh
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being m*rried would fix me. goodbye
#purrs#like omg. iam so scared it will never happen to me because im 24 years old and don’t have a. drivers license and am terrified of covid and h#have never kissed or whatever in my whole life 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 b it i want to get married so bad and not just like to get married but to find my#Prrson. i don’t even think i want kids anymore (🥴🥴🥴🥴🥴🥴) i literally just want to find my person and be with them already. this post brought#to you by someone i follow on another platform posting abt how their engagement ring makes them choked up when they catch a glimpse of it in#the most mundane moments of their life bc it means their partner is waiting for them and loves them etc etc. like oh my GOD. lying in the#street right now. please god please god please god let that happen for me please please please. i can’t take it anymore ♥️#delete later#i used to never post abt things like this on principle but then last yr put me in a hydraulic press so now i will post about missing my#soulmate whenever i damn well please which is every single day. im going crazyyyyy with despair omfgnrhskdhdj why am i living like this 😭#lkteraly i think abt my future wedding if i am so lucky as to ever get to have one every 3 hours at LEAST no joke.
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@ottermelonart really is such a phenomenal artist, and i'm not just saying that because we're married, i'm saying that because it's true
#the amount of time and effort and also natural eye that's been honed for years#all the extra things and research and time and just all of that has shown in her work over the years#and it's only going to get better and she was already the best when we met when we were 19 and we're 30 now#this is also to say just keep going you're not supposed to be the biggest hit at 20 years old you gotta build your craft and experiences#and try a bit of everything and do what you love and just know that if you're meant to do it it will happen#but seeing all the hard work she puts in is just incredibly and i am so lucky to have an artist in my life like her#not just an artist a person of course but speaking artistically only i personally feel i have the best artist in my life and i love her#not just for the love i have for her as a spouse but the inherent admiration i have for her as a person#no one can do it quite like otter imo#also im sorry but where else can you get a commission at that quality for $55 you tell me for a full commission#a watercolor for $65?? an animation for $65? really??#that's a literal STEAL#im sorry but seriously the prices are also insane bc she is insane and i love that about her
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shaking crying screaming
#get u a girlfriend who wants to get someone to recreate your old childhood stuffie that u lost#and wants to get u ur old favourite childhood book that u lost#bc she knows that ur childhood wasnt great but those parts were and wants to give them back to u#im seriously. dying every second every minute every day i have never experienced a love as kind and thoughtful and good as this#and i am truly obsessed with her she is everything i cd have ever wanted and more#i feel so lucky i cannawt believe this is real life sometimes i stg. SORRY im being extremely sappy but it’s just soooo#i was not looking for this love it just Happened TM and it makes everything else it took me to get here worth it#me when i am so very devoted and i would do anything to make her happy and i know she’d do the same#i Adore her. i cant even conceptualise how much i love her what the hell man#and not just bc of how she loves me but bc of who she is#ive never met someone more unflinchingly honest but kind and loving and fawking hilarious#and capable and self aware and such a beautiful person inside & out#i love her in all her humanness and i love her with everything in me If im honest.#i knew from before we even got together that i was going to marry her and that feeling hasnt changed#me when i spill my guts on tumblr i am treating it like a diary not a social media site. oop#WHATEVER IM HAPPY AND IN LOVE AND DEVOTED AND !!!!!!!!!!!!!#anyway.#valentina talks#my lover#EDIT IM ENDING IT ALL SHE FOUND MY OMD STUFFIE AND BOUGHT UT IM CRYING SHAKIFNGBSUING THROWIFNUOP AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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my partner and i are gonna go look at engagement rings next week to start getting an idea of prices and what we want etc etc 😳
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#personal#i just tipped my grinder all over the carpwrt and thought. fUck. but then i thought#ill pick it up and put as much of it back as i can and ill reset the cone and ill vacuum later#and some time has passed and nothing bad happened cause i spilled everywhere and things are ok#so thats where im at in life ima get to the cone now and how lucky i am to have itn🩷
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was recently reminded of something so fucking stupid that i did while completely black out drunk years ago at this point… but i genuinely i cannot for the life of me figure out why i did it when the me now would not even dream of doing something so absolutely ridiculous it eats me up inside like i dont know who i am
#like i have no words#i have no excuses either#but i hate that that was me#i still did that#i chose to do that#when the me that i know would know how dumb and wrong it is#i just feel so fucking stupid#im just lucky to have people in my life who see my own disgust with my actions and forgive me#but like#what the fuck man#but i was so blackout i stil don’t remember what actually happened#i only know what others told me#and that’s fucking terrifying#personal
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i feel like a goblin being launched into a random ass dungeon in easy mode where i get unreasonable amount of loot
#stfu ai#personal#IM NOT COMPLAINING#IVE BEEN STUUUUUUUPIDLY LUCKY WITH WHAT IM GIVEN#ITS JUST REALLY FUCKIN WEIRD BC THE ENTIRETY OF MY LIFE UP UNTIL I WAS 19 WAS A FUCKIN TRAGEDY#IN EVERY SENSE OF THE WORD#and now i get a whiplash every other month bc something new happens#like. smth good happens#and im unfortunately a cynical fuck so im just waiting for shit to crash#yet im still here thriving like a god damn dandelion that decided to grow through concrete bc ofc i would#LMAO HELP
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Being misgendered repeatedly by an ex friend because I'm on T and apparently I'm therefore not allowed to be "they /Them" anymore & must be he/him while my flatmate repeatedly corrected him while he tried to tell them I was crazy /concern troll them about my mental health because I'd had enough of his abuse & gone no contact has got to be one of the most ridiculous things that's happened to me this year ....
#Almost as ridiculous as the girl who religiously defends every abuser responding to this by going terf on me#Or their other friend who's a predator coming to our house at midnight screaming slurs banging on the door threatening to break our windows#like holy shit I'm lucky I didn't end up hate crimes by them and I'm still anxious it might happen after their creepy friend's “visit”#or the other girl who was trying to pressure me into sex terfing out at my flatmate#or the ex who sabotaged my having a support person for top surgery/almost sabotaged my top surgery who lived with some of them#abusive friendships#Therapy is helpful but holy fuck these people were dangerous to my mh & I shouldn't have put up with it for so long#also being told I was going to die during top surgery by my own mother lol the fuck is my life#trauma#seriously I get panic when I hear someone who sounds like him now and it sucks#im scared because he's bragged about trying to make someone destitute/homeless due to being professionally wronged in the past#&idk what he'd feel motivated to do to hurt or silence me for speaking out about his abuse and connections to a predator#but fuck it what he and the others turned a blind eye to was wrong and no ammount of them threatening witnesses or victims can make it okay
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꒦꒷ 𓈒 𓈒 𓈒 off limits ¡
pairing brother's best friend¡nicholas chavez x fem¡reader
summary thinking you were messaging your friend, you accidentally sent your brother's best friend a thirsty paragraph about him, with Nicholas opening it before you get a chance to delete it. what you were not expecting was the leading conversation, causing realization to wash over you as he hints your desire is not one-sided after all.
contains suggestive, sexual tension, a bit of dirty talking, a brief kiss, flustered reader, cocky nic, hes also very freaky (uhh???)
a/n this is the silliest thing ive ever written i was giggling the whole time while writing it. likes and reblogs are v much appreciated!!!
word count 1.7k
You: the amount of self control i have is insane because why do i not have this mans dick in my mouth rn please i need nic so fucking bad its not even funny anymore he is everything i want in life id let him use me any day morning afternoon n night im available ugh i dont even get the ick when its him he was acting like a dad earlier yelling at us to grill the meat right and it was so adorable ill call you daddy u want me to call u sir i dont kink shame im down for whatever king omg stop he got hurt earlier and he GROANED???? i almost fell to my knees YAHOOO he definitely whimpers #needthat 10/10 i just know its thick ooh tip pink shade #d97e77 thats insane till my knees are bruised and my throats scratched my panties fell tears are rolling down my thighs OMG PLS can you feel my pain hes so bodangshis how does my brother look at him and not wanna fuck him id be all over him if that was my friend gahhhd!!! hes actually so sweet he kept speaking to me earlier so i dont feel left out of the conversation and i find that adorable do u think he slaps it before he cums oh my his girlfriends so lucky im ab to put her in a headlock ahaha this is gross no man should have this much of an impact on u unless their dick is big and the sex is absolutely amazing yooo what he probably knows how to please a lady id be hard if i had a dick rn STOPP he has a happy trail im gonna lose it hahah lets find out where it leads i dont wanna think ab that im going crazy literally pulling my hair out that should be u baby GIVE ME A CHANCE?!!!! thinking ab him makes me so nervous this is getting a little too srs ahaha okay im sorry hows life?!? i miss u :(
Sending that message, you were anything but expecting the response you got in return, not from the man himself, that’s for sure.
nic: oh?
nic: i think you got the wrong person
You audibly gasp, realization washing over you as you read over the message. That was, in fact, not for Nicholas, nor was it for anyone but your friend to see.
You panic, putting your phone down to process what happened, needing a moment before responding. Right, you needed to do that.
But why did he see it so fast? He didn't even give you time to comprehend your message, the text switching to read in an instant.
Hell, it was midnight, and it’s been a long, tiring day for the both of you, having been out the whole afternoon, merely to come back to the hotel and spend more time with your other friends.
Everyone decided to end the night off early; early being a bit before midnight, with you heading to your room afterwards. Your brother and his best friend shared the room taking place next to yours, making it easy to reach out to him.
And for that, you were grateful since Nicholas was with him; meaning you got to see more of him throughout this trip.
You’ve had a crush on Nicholas for god knows how long, with it starting the moment your brother befriended him. You’ve technically gone through all the phases he experienced, hell, you saw him more than your own parents.
He was sweet, a little too sweet, perhaps it bothered you. Nicholas was very known among women, he knew how to attract a lady, showering her with praises until he eventually got what he wanted.
That made you extremely jealous, knowing you couldn't have him. He was forbidden, off-limits, someone you could only admire from afar.
And that stupid crush of yours led to this conversation, one you didn't want to discuss.
You: i didnt mean to send that to you
The text switched from delivered to read right away, causing your breath to catch in your throat.
nic: clearly
nic: i dont have a gf btw
Why did he feel the need to clarify that, and why were you relieved over hearing it?
You buried your face in your pillow, feeling heat reduce from your body. You’ve never been this embarrassed before, not around Nicholas. While you were weird sometimes, it was never this bad.
He wasn't supposed to know about this, nor discover it the way he did.
You: cover your eyes pls
You: this wasn't for u
nic: you sure?
nic: are there any other nics in your life?
Your stomach twisted at the message, hand coming up to cover your mouth as an audible gasp escaped your throat. How could he say that?
You felt all sorts of emotions wash over you, unable to process each one of them as you read the message over and over again.
You: what if there is
The question was risky, it could either end with him telling your brother, or him teasing you over it and brushing it off. Either way, you couldn't have him, so why not just fuck it and go with the flow?
nic: then that would be disappointing.
Your breath caught in your throat, vision going blurry as Nicholas’ bubble kept appearing and disappearing.
nic: id really hate that you feel this way about someone else
Oh my god, were you dreaming?
You could not believe your eyes. You turned off your phone, letting the dimness of the room seep through for a moment before you unlocked your device once again, heart skipping a beat when you realized it was real.
Nicholas, your brother’s best friend, might have been flirting with you, but that’s just in your head, right…?
You: ??? wdym
nic: you first
nic: was this about me, doll?
The pet name made you weak to your core, spiraling you over the edge as you put your phone down for a second. You took a deep breath, feeling your face heat up at how suggestive the boy sounded.
He sounded so desperate, you weren't sure if it was the tiredness, or him being genuine. Either way, you’re fucked, because you’re willing to do anything for him, even if it means breaking your heart.
You: what if it was
You: what will you do ab it
You felt nauseous as you waited for a response, groaning when the boy disappeared for a minute. Did you say something wrong? Why did he suddenly leave?
nic: then id risk it all
Speechless. Your mouth hung open, chest filling with lust as a breath heaved out of you.
You: are you saying this because you’re tired
nic: no
nic: god no
There was no ounce of self control in your body left. You almost screamed, overwhelmed by a new sense of emotions.
Is this how it felt? Because fucking hell.
You: it is
nic: it is what?
You: this is so embarrassing
You: why are you making me admit it you know exactly what im talking about
nic: baby
nic: jus tell me
You: no you suck im going to sleep
nic: WAIT no come here youre so cute
You blushed at the message, unable to suppress the smile forming on your lips. God, he’s such an idiot. And you were totally swooned for him.
You: i literally just sent you a message talking ab how much i wanna suck your dick what about that is cute
nic: oh? so you do admit it
You: …
You felt nervous, realizing how serious this has gotten. From a silly message turned into you contemplating whether this was a good idea. The last thing you were anticipating while typing that message was a confrontation, one from Nicholas; at that.
nic: you couldve told me yk
You: do you hear yourself
nic: ? what
You: nic you know this is wrong
You: youre gonna wake up tmr and forget all ab it
nic: you knkw
nic: yoirw so fucjinf hot
You came to a halt, noticing the amount of mistakes the boy was making. Your mind wandered somewhere else, feeling heat crawl past your neck, all the way to your face.
You: what are you saying
nic: fucking hell
nic: take the hint baby
You froze in your spot, tongue coming out to wet your lips, suddenly feeling heat travel to in between your legs. Don’t give in, don't give in, don’t give in.
You: what
nic: you couldve asked me if you were curious
nic: i wouldve happily showed you
That sent you over the edge. Your mind went fuzzy, unable to process the last few texts you received from Nicholas. He was being serious, dead serious, you were sure of that.
The texts you exchanged always revolved around your brother; usually Nicholas asking whether he was home or not. However, this one was different.
He was hinting something, something very risky that you were unable to resist.
You: dont say that
nic: what, you don't believe me?
You: nic
nic: give me five
You stared at the message on the screen, confused on what he meant. Your eyebrows furrowed with puzzlement, awaiting a message, merely to get nothing in return.
As you were about to shut your phone and go to sleep, it pinged, the notification startling you awake. You clicked on it immediately, mind going hazy as you read the message over and over again.
nic: open the door
nic: im outside your room
You didn’t hesitate as you got up, swiftly walking your way to the door. You unlocked it with haste, vision going blurry as you caught sight of Nicholas, who was standing inches away from you now.
He looked just as desperate as you were, maybe even more. And that was it, it was all you needed to pull him by the collar and cease the distance between you two.
The moment his lips collided with yours, you realized that maybe it’s worth ending up with a broken heart, because Nicholas tastes fucking addicting, and you found every way to make good use out of that obsession.
The possession of knowing he’s off limits, yet here he was, eagerly kissing you numb.
#nicholas chavez#nicholas alexander chavez#nicholas chavez x y/n#nicholas chavez x reader#nicholas chavez x you#charlie mayhew#grotesquerie#father charlie mayhew
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excuse me as i have an existential crisis
#personal#you KNEW this would happen. You Knew and we Knew and we still took the chance.#i know i knew but it doesnt make it anymore EASY than i THOUGHT ITS STILL. VERY DIFICULT#i have to be someone i have to choose a life i have to CHOOSE to be something. i have to WANT to do things i have to BE..#i never decided what to be... and here i am needing to be.... and i still am nothing#what am i. who am i. what do i want who am i wanting to be.#There is no answer handed to you. There is no higher being to make that choice. There is no one who will force you to do things.#And we know that.#... So what am i supposed to do then. I've been living a designated life for so long. There was always an end i wanted to reach.#But there is no Start to this. there is no START HERE designation this time. There is no one to force me. there is no hurry. there is just#me. and me. and me.#Is that so bad? Isnt it okay to just be You. You even if you are nobody. if you are nothing. if you feel empty.#Im scared to choose. what if i choose wrong. what if i regret the choices im going to make. why does it have to be in my hands.#why do i have to be responsible for me. i dont want to make that choice. i dont want to be the one to make any choices.#Time passes regardless. If you make no choices you will regret that no matter what.#Do anything. Relax. Cry. Feel this through. You have so many options but dont feel intimidated.#Everything will be okay. No matter what.#... I hope youre right about that. I hope something will work out.#You know it always does. You're lucky every single time after all.#... sigh.#where do i start?
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